#not even getting into the autism side bc my head hurts

[nightly-ruse]

The fact that ppl can remember things is just wow. Like give me some of your brain power I just need it for a bit

[claritys-silly-things]

It’s that time again yall

Headcanons! It’s a long one this time

Emetophobia tw

- (I think I can classify this as modern) Rip sodapop curtis you would’ve loved saying “I’m just a girl 🎀”

- Soda never liked haircuts. When he was a small feral child his long hair would get tangled a lot, but he’s tender headed as FUCK so he would scream and cry when his momma brought the brush out. Darry put sodas hair into braids sometimes just for fun and soda didn’t mind bc it kept his hair from getting tangled, and then it didn’t hurt to brush. He’s always had really soft hair and it grows super fast.

- Jealous little soda asksjks (this was about soda being jealous over pony getting attention as a baby but I don’t wanna edit the original ramble I wrote down)

- When ponyboy was born he just kind of STARED. No crying or anything just 👁️👁️. Even Darry cried when he was born. Soda cried a lot.

- Adding on, Darry and pony were pretty quiet babies. They still cried for food and stuff sometimes but not a lot. Soda was a LOUDDD crier, and a frequent one too. It was the type of crying that sounds like it hurts the baby’s throat cause they’re shrieking their head off. Also soda would cry for, like, the first year of his life if he was ever handed to his dad.

- If Johnny survived the fire and got a wheelchair, he’d be running over people’s feet. Constantly. Just because. Or bc they asked for it. Either way, the moment he gets a hang of that wheelchair it is OVER for yall. And probably before that too.

- Ponyboy gets the same. Goddamn. Thing. At EVERY restaurant. Partly because it scares him to order anything else, partly because he’s picky asf. He makes sure it’s there on the menu and has his order memorized by now. “Chicken tenders, fries, and a Pepsi please.” He’s tried to ask for other things in the past like eggs, cuz he likes those, but the moment they asked him “how would you like them done” he just stared at Darry because he didn’t know what all the different types of eggs were, and now he’s scared bc he’s taking longer, and the server is still there, so he just got sunny side up eggs and they were slimy and he wanted to go home and cry (based on a true story sadly)

- Basically pony has anxiety and probably autism (so me)

- Ponyboy likes avocado. That’s it that’s the headcanon. It’s like one of the only healthy-ish things he’ll eat.

- Soda gets suuuper nauseous really easily, and pony gets carsick on occasion. So the first time pony went to a theme park, his family was scared that he would throw up like soda. They go on a ride and he’s like “yall im fine dawg.” Soda is jealous bc pony can go on rides unaffected (soda will still go on rides anyways, he just throws up afterwards)

- Pony is the most PALE ASS BITCH you’ve ever seen. He burns soo easily. His face gets red really quickly, no matter what’s going on. The only time he gets the slightest bit darker is when he burns and tans. Two-bit has been like “you ain’t white you translucent” multiple times because in the right lighting you can see pony’s veins. It’s even worse because soda and Darry tan so wonderfully, and pony looks like he had an allergic reaction if he doesn’t reapply his sunscreen when he’s supposed to. I feel like Mrs Curtis is the reason for this, she didn’t tan. Mr Curtis did tho.

- Pony has mild (severe) ocd

- Marcia’s last name is smith she is white-Hispanic on one side and Native American on the other thank you for coming to my TED talk

- Marcia is Cuban and Native American

- Marcia’s full name is Marcia smith that’s it that’s the end

It’s funny cuz I listed these things like three times and just forgot about the other two

- Twobit is Brazilian end headcanon

- Mr Curtis had autism and Mrs Curtis had inattentive adhd

- Mr Curtis was half Mexican on his mom’s side and half Irish on his dad’s side. Mrs Curtis was full Italian-American.

- Darrys the typa guy to make pony and soda turn off a show or movie if it talks about possession or like demonic stuff/soul stealing stuff

- (Modern au) Darry will get a text from ponyboy about something, like “can I go in your room rq” and he sees it but doesn’t actually open the text message until later and like, two hours later he’ll just respond “no” and thinks it’s the funniest shit ever

[mrghostrat]

i was hoping to stream this afternoon but i woke with my shoulders hurting so bad that i have absolutely zero capacity for anything. to the point where i experienced my first autistic rumbles in the supermarket 🥸 but i have adhd meds now so maybe we can try tomorrow.

zita's suspected i'm on the spectrum for a little while now, but i've always been on the fence about it. there's a lot i don't relate to. but most of that is bc i have so much learned behaviour, and i mask really well. when i try to break down how i think for autism diagnostic quizzes, my gut reactions DO fit the bill, but they are so so so buried under 30 years of life experience that feels like it comes naturally.

but i am an introvert. an extreme introvert. even while living alone with my best friend, who i get on perfectly with and feel zero need to mask around, i still need to excuse myself and be left alone in my room from 10pm at LEAST.

so i only really unmask when i'm dead alone. even though i dont feel like i'm putting up any kind of front around of zita, i still do, automatically. the only time i see myself completely bare is when i'm alone and it's silent and there is absolutely nothing challenging my comfort.

sooooo hoooooo boy waking up in pain, with zero capacity to even finish a thought, still empty of ADHD medication because of the fuckin manufacturing shortage (thankfully today's trip into town was to finally pick some up! but that wasn't until noon), i got to see a side of myself i don't know if i've ever actually seen before? maybe as a kid but i can't remember specifically that far back?

i've been short tempered and overwhelmed and exposed to sensory nightmares whilst home alone before, but it's usually so quick bc i'm at HOME and i can adjust the situation and i never think much of it. i felt like a bluescreen at that supermarket today, popping in for less than 10 things across 3 aisles.

it was so busy. there were so many people. i felt dread just to walk through it, so aware of my own body and the space i had to inhabit. but par for the course so far. what was less par for the course was having to stop and look at my list every 3 steps, unable to put together a course of action in my head: chicken is on the far left, so we grab that first and get broccoli on our way to the soup aisle. but the broccoli is right there. do i grab that first, go get the chicken, but then double back from where i just came? i might get myself some bananas too, how do i fit that into my path—

i had to keep stopping and looking at my list because every item i thought of made me forget the previous one i just looked at. eventually got fed up with myself and went to the closest thing and started there, regardless of whether i'd have to double back or not. that's what trips me when i take these quizzes n shit. i can get over the hump and do the task in the end, so that must mean i'm totally allistic! no autism here.

i remember thinking "jesus christ this is bad" when i was on my way to get zita's soup (if you've read this far, thank you and kisses to you, pls send some loving vibes to zita by reading her fic i just reblogged, bc she's got a cold and is miserable today) so i was kinda aware i was having a bad sensory day. as expected: there were a lot of people there, and i was in pain. but i just short circuited looking at soup. zita gave me the brand name and soup type of 3 cans she wanted. and i went to the aisle i've been to a thousand times, found the brand, and just stared. it was all stew. all chunky brothy things with bits in. not a single creamy soup in sight, so, the soup must be somewhere else.

i came to that conclusion immediately but i couldn't. process it? or like, what to do with that information. the soup is somewhere else. OR IS IT? keep looking at this shelf to make sure, your eyes are tired, you might've missed it. there's like 20 different cans of campbells here, just keep reading them left to right until soup appears. still no soup? read them again, you might've missed it. maybe campbell's is out of soup? read every other brand here until you Don't see soup, then you can walk away and try somewhere else. but if you don't see any soup, read it again because you might've missed it.

thankfully it took all of 30 fuckin seconds for a store employee who was shelving next to me to see my glazed fuckin stare and ask if i needed a hand with anything. and i stammered through some "haha my silly eyes today!! haha thanks! sorry, thank you!" as she happily pointed like 3 metres down the aisle for me, while my internal monologue immediately raged like "wtf why would they put the soup that far away but also barely far away at all, what's the point, bad design 😡"

got soup. check list: packet of gravy. zita told me the gravy was in the same section as the soup. it was not. i walked up and down that aisle five times and there was no gravy. i just. i had completely forgotten how to problem solve. it was the strangest, most frustrating experience. like i was looking at an empty word document in my brain, with a little flashing cursor and everything, so i knew it hadn't frozen over. it was just empty.

i even had the thought "just walk up and down the aisles until you find gravy; you have to do this all the time" and even had ideas of which aisles to start with. but my brain said no. we're not going to walk around aimlessly, even if we have a neat little structure and path to follow. we were told (by myself, too) this would be a quick in out trip, pluck the known items off the shelf and beeline straight for the checkout. so meandering down aisles was for some reason non negotiable. i wasn't in a rush. i had nothing to do today. i barely even felt a rush to get out of there, as busy as it was. it just wasn't an option.

so rather than start solving that problem i just jumped to the next thing on the list. strepsils. text to ask what kind she wants, have a whine about my broken brain, ask if she knows where the gravy is. remember when i pass the hair brushes that i broke my hairbrush this morning and need a new one!! oh and i've been wanting new hairclips too. look at me picking a new hairbrush and poking through the hairclips for one that i know will feel comfortable against my scalp, i'm not autistic because i can change my plans and make decisions on the fly.

oops didn't mean for this post to be an entire play by play of my thoughts through this extremely bland grocery shop. i cannot believe how long i stood there choosing soup. the line at the self checkout was so long and i felt the dread kick up again. barely/silently whispered "oh god" to myself when i realised the line, but repeated it about 20 times to feel the tap of my tongue against the roof of my mouth before i realised i was doing it. stop that, don't mutter to yourself. but i'm standing still in a line and there's nothing left to (ineffectually) problem solve, so the second i stop i notice a weird little slice in the plastic around the trolley handle that i can't stop flicking my thumbnail against.

OK. we need to stim. heard, chef. just click your piercing ffs. your mouth might look weird when you do it but at least everyone can see you're just clicking your teeth against your piercing, rather than talking to yourself or damaging public property.

something made a noise, can't even remember if it was a child or a trolley or what, some loud sharp single high pitched screech a few metres away, and i jolted so hard i thought i felt like i was going to throw up. finally think, fucking hell i'm autistic today. my back hurts. which is making my head hurt. i want to go home and take my vyvanse.

[transmascaraa]

HAAIII ME AGAIN had a new idea all of a sudden

OK SO HEAR ME OUT RIGHT. hcs with gaming, scara and uhhhmm. Blade hsr with autistic gn reader!?!2?1!2??! basically like reader tells them theyre autistic, how would the charas react? would they treat the reader any different? would their view of their s/o change???

IT LOOKS RLLY CUTE IN MY HEAD OK TRUDT

+ if it isnt too much im asking here, how theyd interact w reader when they go nonverbal bc theyre upset :3

THANK U MOOTIE ALSO HOPE UR SOING WELL!!!!

multiple characters headcannons!

you tell him that you're autistic.

characters: gaming, wanderer, blade x autistic!gn!reader

author's note: alright this one and might do one more tonight it's fucking 20 minutes till 1am lmao might do a few tmrw i hope i do lol ANYWAYSSS I'M DOING GOOD THANKS I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL TOO<33 LOVE THE REQQ

✧ Gaming

-so accepting fr. sweetheart. perfect bf. everything good.

-when you tell him he'd be so sweet and understanding frfr

-will literally sacrifice his whole being for you

-"you're autistic? that doesn't change anything, my dear!" he will love you eternally no joke.

-and when you get upset, you go nonverbal.

-so he spends hours trying to learn exactly what you mean by the gestures you use so thag he can help. he'll take it slow.

-he'll be patient with you.

-i promise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

✷ Wanderer

-nobody knows if it's sass or sarcasm at this point.

-HE WOULD LOOK AT YOU AS IF YOU TOLD HIM THAT YOU LIKE SLEEPING WITH YOUR PILLOW ON THE WARM SIDE.

-but he'd definitely be understanding. don't trust his physical expressions.

-you'd tell him and he would say some shit like:

-"you're acoustic?" before you playfully hit him and scold him.

-throughout the whole thing, his smirk never leaves his face. fuck that idiot, sometimes, honestly.

-when you're upset tho, he's really fucking nice. it's a rare case that he ever acts nice but at times like these he knows the limit.

-nahida will teach him more about autism after you told him

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

๑ Blade

-eughhh he's a complicated guy

-not like he would show any type of much reaction if you told him he'd be like "okay and?"

-sitting down beside him and telling him.

-he'll listen, sure. he'll be understanding, i guess. but his face remains neutral

-"and how am i supposed to help?" maybe he hurts your feelings js like that sometimes he will apologize with night cuddles

-but overall, he would help you. even tho he'll say he wasn't being all that nice at all but you know that deep down you keep that little bit of happiness in him

-if you're upset and go nonverbal, he will try his best to understand you and help you calm down, taking it seriously. he's really good at it

-he just wants to make sure that you're okay, nothing else matters to him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i like this one

it's really good imo

i laughed my ass off while writing wanderer's one lmfaoo i hope you like it @chezsxapcake <3

[swiftfootedachilles]

Mickey would find a way back to Ian in the psych ward, it would be similar to how he got into prison (ratted on the cartel and chose where he goes) but he'd do some asking around on what gets you into the psych ward and he'd work out what "symptoms" he has and he'd stick with playing them all the time

But the writers would do something shitty like playing up his autism traits then calling him "crazy" for acting like that and that's how he got in

yeahhh the shamey writers have a real knack for making mickey as stereotypically autistic as possible for comedy. i on the other hand am sophisticated in my autismification

but ok ok listen. so seeing as he rolled on the cartel and obviously got a lot in return for his testimony, i definitely think he couldve finagled his way into a secure psych hospital. i mean they obviously shortened or possibly even commuted his sentence in canon, since he was sentenced to 15 (incredibly short for what i assume is attempted murder??), expected to serve 8, but got out in less than 4 after escaping which shouldve added to his sentence. so if he knew ian was getting sentenced to a hospital he couldve done a few things and im gonna lay them out bc each one comes with its own intricacies that writers can expound upon

kept his sentence the same as canon, but he convinces the cops to put him in a psych hospital with ian as part of his deal. otherwise he refuses to talk

commute his sentence on the grounds of insanity, meaning hed talk to a forensic psychologist and talk about his childhood and shit, proving that he was so psychologically damaged as a kid that he somehow ended up having some episode and hurting sammi while legally insane. this could be a great way to really understand mickeys situation growing up. plus i really just want mickey to have his time in the limelight and put on his hurt puppydog face and act/lie his way out of responsibility. perhaps he realizes at some point that hes no longer acting and is truly expressing the raw emotions hes has bottled up since he was a kid 🤔🥺 also of course the new sentence he receives happens to be the same length as ians 🤭

gets his trial thrown out (BECAUSE HE SHOULDNT HAVE GOTTEN CONVICTED IN THE FIRST PLACE THAT WAS BULLSHIT) and gets a retrial, staying in the psych hospital in the meantime for similar reasons as mentioned above. fuck it lets bring back sammi and her kid and get all the gallaghers interviewed by police/giving testimonies in court including fiona!!! and because theyre not fucking dumb this time theyll actually get mickeys ass found NOT GUILTY this time and he can live his mfing life without an adult record. no larry/paula shit, no plothole on how mickey and ian could live together despite both being felons on parole, the dynamic between ian and mickey being flipped on its head now that mickeys got a clean record and ians the convict, omg what if they had their moment of one of them visiting the other in jail and putting their hand on the glass but this time its mickey visiting ian 🥺🥺🥺🥺 im literally bout to throw up

im very much a choose your own adventure kinda headcanoner... no matter how he gets there, mickey fucking GETS THERE. and i just have so many thoughts on how theyd interact with each other as roommates in a psych hospital. ian showing mickey the ropes for the psych side of things and mickey guiding ian thru the criminal/prison-y side 🥺 also i absolutely think mickey would get diagnosed with c-ptsd and autism while in the hospital and ofc at first he denies it, then he goes thru this phase of thinking hes "broken," then ian and his therapists (and an unexpected ragtag group of criminally insane individuals) become a solid story system to learn to accept himself. ian especially. obviously. he makes a list of things to buy mickey once they get out and save the money. because dammit if his lover doesnt have the best sensory corner in all of chicago! and overall they just get to actually... grow as people and as a couple by supporting each other in ways that canon never gave us

[shiningstarr15]

‼️warning: the post I’m about to make has heavy topics pertaining to mental illness and disability. Please view at your own discretion‼️

I want to come on here to talk about something that I don’t feel gets talked about enough. And that is mainly thanks to social media that has advocated to the understanding of mental illness and disability to the point that it is immensely glorified. And while I would rather choose the lesser of the two evils than deal with the ableism and discrimination, I think it needs to be addressed on why glorifying it is also very problematic.

As you know by now, I am on the autism spectrum, and with this came a slew of other mental health conditions that I have suffered from for a long time such as anxiety and depression. One thing I would never want to do is beg for pity. I am still a functioning human being and do not wish to be treated as a charity case. However, I think it is important to showcase the darker side of being diagnosed with such a condition as Autism.

What you see, you may see awkward social interaction, you may see unusual movements of my arms and legs and even my whole body(stimming), you may see high emotional sensitivity, you may see aversion to loud sounds, and so forth. And these are things that, in of itself, are not inherently bad. Yes I am prone to accidental inappropriate social interaction, but there is ways of accommodating and advocating for it while still holding me accountable. Gentle approaches and positive reinforcement go such a long way. And the more people learn and accept that, the better quality of life you make for me and my community.

What you don’t see, is the struggles that come with it.

Being autistic comes with many many processing issues. Auditory, sensory, information, visual, cognitive, etc. And like the disorder itself, they all live on a spectrum and affect us all differently. One of these things that we struggle with due to this processing issue, and the one we usually get the most abuse from, is personal hygiene.

I took a shower tonight, which is something I struggle with due to the task of having to wash myself, having sensory issues such as too strong of smelling soap and the water temperature not being right, but also the transition from being wet to cold is something I hate. I hate drying myself and the water from my hair dripping down my back. I don’t like water on my face. The entire thing is an absolute hellscape.

But it needs to be done, so I got in. And I noticed that my hair felt heavier than usual. After shampoo and conditioner, I ran my fingers through my insanely thick and long locks. And.. it got stuck.

With conditioner, it was stuck.

That is how bad the tangles were. As a result of having not brushed it for weeks. Yes, weeks.

Over the course of the shower, I pulled out probably a dozen knots, all around this size..

I’m tender headed, brushing my hair hurts my neck and my arms. So I wear hats to cover it, it also helps as an impromptu noise buffer so it’s a win win in the moment. However, it just adds on to the ever growing tangles and become more and more prominent until I actually do something about it.

This is something in it of itself, I’ve grown used to.

But as I ran through the tangles, yanking out knot after knot, the hair piled in the drain.

When I looked down and saw the result, I couldn’t believe how much hair was caught in the absolute rats nest that had accumulated for weeks.

And I cried.

I still have plentiful hair, but I didn’t want to lose that much. I hadn’t even realized it had gotten so bad. As I got out I immediately noticed the lightness on my head and panicked, thinking I may have a bald spot (I don’t) bc so much was gone now..

I may be used to it, but I hate it still. Every time. But it happens over and over again, bc I hate brushing my hair.

This.. this is the true dark reality of living with Autism.

I love my hair, and me not liking to brush it does not mean I don’t care. It is a physically daunting task, it fucking HURTS, and it sucks bc I KNOW it’s not supposed to!

Everyday I wake up, the lights are too bright and I can hear every sound like a siren. It takes excess energy just to get out of bed, even more to change clothes, and if I am lucky, even more to brush my hair. I have 30 min to decide before I get to work what my support needs are today bc they change DAILY. Some days I have enormous amounts of anxiety, some days I have sensory overstimulation, some days I feel literally touch starved, some days I can’t find the right words to say, or barely want to say anything. I have to figure out what I need, what will get me through the day, what will allow me to survive. And even now, I am struggling to find my place in the workforce due to the lack of resources and currently on the verge of autistic burnout that I’m desperately trying to avoid.

Every time I brush my hair, there are knots. And when I brush my teeth, there is blood in the sink.

This is my reality.

I am imploring you to PLEASE consider these things when you say things about how hating autism is “internalized ableism” or glorify it to the point that it becomes a trend that everyone wants to have bc it’s “cool.” I do NOT like being autistic. It has caused me immense heartache, trauma, struggle, and being in constant survival mode. It FUCKING SUCKS.

I have accepted that I am autistic. But I do not enjoy it. It is still, in its own right, a DISABILITY. It is not something to be glorified and praised. It is not something that is “trendy” and something you WANT to have.

Wanting answers is one thing, I understand that. That’s how I got my diagnosis. But I am begging and pleading, DO NOT ASK FOR IT. If you have it, learn to accept what is and learn what you need to do in order to live your best quality of life. It is not something to be taken as a joke, it is not a “gift” and it is not a trend.

It is a disability. It is a disorder. A brain disorder. A processing disorder. And it fucking sucks.

[lastoneout]

Re that last post about the similarities between autism and social anxiety, something about this that makes me wonder, as a neurodivergent person who isn’t sure where she falls exactly, does anyone on either side of this ever experience like, being able to relax in social situations where there is a strict social framework everyone is expected to adhere to?

Because I’ve often described my social anxiety as feeling like I have to perform or follow a set of rules, and I can’t relax because I don’t really know what’s expected of me(how to appear/be Normal), and it tends to get worse the more spontaneous and unstructured the interaction is. As an example I have actually butted heads a few times with an autistic friend of mine because I find it incredibly anxiety inducing to the point of it actually making me upset when people I don’t know strike up a conversation with me randomly in public, while he sees that as something polite and it makes him upset to think of it like he’s bothering other people. Not saying he’s wrong at all, but the reason it bothers me because in those situations there is NO structure AT ALL and I have no idea how I’m meant to act or what I’m meant to say, and the thought that I’m Doing It Wrong, or being rude by trying to end the interaction as fast as possible, makes me so anxious it can honestly throw off my mood for hours after.

And again I experience that to varying degrees with basically all social interactions, even some with people I’m incredibly familiar with like long time friends or family, and there’s hardly ever a break. I think the only people I feel like I don’t have to perform in front of are like, my mom and my fiance.

But one time there IS a break is when I’m at work. I don’t really have any social anxiety there, or at least very little, and it’s because I know what my job is and EXACTLY what my relationship to the people around me is and how I’m meant to behave around them, which people I can be more familiar with and which ones I need to be more formal around, and if things ever do get weird or uncomfortable I can just remind myself that I don’t really HAVE to be friends with or like any of the people I work with because we’re all just there to make money.

It also doesn’t bother me to interact with customers, even when it goes wrong or I mess up, because again there is a script I’m supposed to follow and I know what’s expected of me, and if the customer starts to become a problem I know the mangers will step in and I don’t really have to care what the customer thinks or says about me. Like I’m the sort of person who breaks down crying when people yell at me, but with customers I couldn’t care less bcs it doesn’t really matter and they can’t actually hurt me. They’re the ones breaking the rules, after all, not me, so whatever, right?

(I even enjoy public speaking at my job, despite having debilitating stage fright in every other situation lmao)

I even get irritated sometimes when co-workers butt heads and refuse to work together or complain about not liking each other cuz like?? You’re here to work??? Who fucking cares I’m not making you be friends I’m making you make popcorn, unless there’s an actual harassment problem just get over it??? But they think I’m weird or like, inconsiderate for taking that stance.

So yeah I just wonder if anyone with social anxiety or any autistic people ever get relief from being in situations where there is a strict social framework that can be memorized, or if everyone tends to be anxious even then. Cuz idk it seems like one of those things that I always assumed was just my social anxiety, but the more I think about it the more I’m not entirely sure.

[polarseven]

Continued from my previous post since I kept typing but it wasn't super relevant to the original post

Especially if I don't get enough attention, I can get inside my own head and can spiral, and it's gotten to a point where after maybe two or three dates I tell them this, and let them know, and it's almost always "Oh don't worry I do too!" And it's never. Fucking. True.

Break bc length I guess.

I'm spouting this all on a kink post because I was to explore kink so badly, and I get how it works. Effort on both sides. Boundaries. Discussion. Honesty. Ask what they need. Ask your dom for their safeword during scenes too. It's not focusing on the sub, they're not the only human in that room. And I want someone who will help me navigate these things! I have many things I want to try out and just...can't. I don't know how much I enjoy things until I do them irl and I have so many people tell me what a good partner I am both before dating them, while, and AFTER dating them. And they never stay. And sure it's a mutual breakup a lot! And for healthy reasons. But usually thats for my health. Like, theyre bad at communicating, they say theyll get beyter, and dont. My last ex wpuld tell me we would hang out snd then ghost me thr next day and hang with other friends because they forgot. And given several chances they didnt fix it enough for it to not hurt me, so I had to end it. I feel like in just...unlucky. like they're not bad people, I'm still friends with them and a few of my other exes, but it just doesn't work in relationships. I worry I'm the common denominator but when almost every partner is telling me that's not the case, I communicated well, then whats the problem???

I get it, I'm young, someone will come eventually yeah yeah. It's still hard though. I'm 23. My longest relationship has been 8 months, and about 3 of those were long distance. All my of friends either have had at least one long term relationship or are married, nobody seems to bounce around and date a lot of people like I do. And there's not anything wrong with it, but...it feels weird that I'm the only one I know that does it. Maybe other people do and they're ashamed about it ans don't talk about it? Whatever the case, it's just...a weird feeling. I see people talk about having experiences, whether in long term relationships or kinks or whatever, and it just feels like I'm missing out.

I just want someone who will help me explore, together, with me. Someone who will want to be around me, enjoys talking with me, someone where it doesn't feel forced. It seems so easy for others? Everyone seems sucessful, either online or in person. And I know I'm probably the majority here. I've seen people struggle for years and years and then suddenly they find someone, and at least for a length of time it clicks. But it's just so weird for me. It feels different. Is it the autism? I can never tell how hard I'm masking, if I even am, and I don't know how to interact with other people online. I'm better in person. But in person, there's just not as many trans people. Or it's so much harder to connect. You have to pretend to be nice and friendly until you get close, and then you both slooowwwwly come out of your shell, and it feels like such a fucking waste of time that people aren't more sincere. But I can't even seem to find the people that are like me, that feel the way I do. I dunno. I deserve to sadpost and vent.

[parkerino]

please i need someone to come into my house and perform surveillance on my mom and me

[edengarden]

heyooo, could i request a normal BNHA matchup?

I’m a 5’2 gay male, black hair, freckles, green eyes, sort of on the chubby side? I sometimes wear glasses and either dress like a hobo, middle school boy, or femboy lol.

Anyways besides looks- I’m kind of,,, weird. I’m pagan, and I really like nature even though I’m kind of a germaphobe when it comes to being outside.I’m autistic so there's that, It’s usually hard for me to make new friends bc I come on rather,,, strong and hate the awkward first meeting phase. But when I do manage to make friends I’m always there for them in whatever they need and always do my best to help them through their problems (if they want) or just listen. I’m also selectively mute, but when I do talk I usually have a stutter, so I prefer to listen to other people talk. But when I do talk it’s usually about my special interests or something I'm into like Star Wars (a really big one atm), snakes, and the colour yellow. Speaking of snakes, I have a snake named Shigaraki and a tarantula named Princess :)

Some negative traits about me… I can be quite a jealous person. And I have these sort of sad episodes? I’ll kind of stay in my head and overthink waaayyy too much so that’s not fun. Oh another thing, I usually have a hard time telling when I should back off? Like I constantly worry about if I’m being ‘too much’ or if I should give my partner or friends some space. Oh and I’m reeallyy bad at bringing myself down and talking negatively about myself casually. And I’m hella self conscious lol-

Some things I enjoy,,, I don't do much besides work, but when I have free time I enjoy writing for my friend, story-based video games, and I really like cooking. When I have time to relax, I like to read manga and Harry potter, I don’t really read many new books anymore. Kinda random but I also enjoy knitting too lol. My hogwarts house is Slytherin, and I’m a capricorn :)

My music taste is… a bit complicated. On one hand, half of my playlist is Steven Universe songs, then I have stuff at every end of the spectrum like Dean Martin, Mother Mother, Savage Ga$p, Freddie Dredd, Corpse Husband, and a variety of J-Pop artists (don’t come for me, J-Pop is better than K-Pop), and a few random sorta indie songs scattered around my playlist. Atm my favorite songs are Verbatim, Escapism (from SU), Line Without A Hook, and Inertia.

What I look for in others, hmmm, I guess someone who can carry a conversation and is good at like, picking up on things ya know? Someone who can be really patient with me and stuff, someone who loves kids, oh and someone who’s willing to watch Star Wars with me, thats a big one lmao.

Something I’d avoid would be a disrespect of others boundaries, a really judgy person, like someone who hates on others or something they do for literally no reason, and someone who’s unnecessarily hateful to babies/toddlers/kids. Idk that one just bothers me a lot lol. And someone who gets frustrated easily, I grew up in a toxic and abusive household so thats a no go for me.

This ones kind of complicated but here’s my quirk!! I came up with it on my own so I really don’t know if someone has something similar,,,

Okay, so my hero name is Hallucino! Similar to Aizawa, my quirk activates when I look at/lock eyes with someone and the effect drops when I blink. So once they’re under the effects of my quirk, I can make them hallucinate and see any sort of setting I want. My signature setting/move is called Vertigo, it’s sort of a trippy LSD setting? So it makes the person nauseous and, well, like they have vertigo. I can create people in the hallucination, but it really wears me out and gives me a migraine. When they’re in that state they can't see the real world, and can faintly hear, but they can feel everything in the outside world. Anyways I think my quirk’s pretty damn cool.

(Wow thats so much I’m so so sorry-- also I hope it’s okay if I copy and paste this and request a Tokyo ghoul matchup? Your work is really amazing please take your time-- also sorry if it’s spaced weird I’m new to tumblr)

You can go ahead and copy paste for TG, yeah!!

Your quirk is AWESOME!! It sounds so cool 👁👄👁 I love it.

I’m matching you up with Mirio!

You got like, THE best person on your side?? An absolute ray of sunshine. He’s SO approachable, like even if he notices you’re a bit shy at first, then he’ll actively make sure that you feel comfortable around him. While buddy boy does that to everyone, he always looks forward to talking to you specifically. He LOVES when you start talking about the things that you love. He could just sit there, and listen and soak in all the information. And then when he reminds you that he WAS indeed listening by referencing to something, and your eyes light up? Mirio could cry.

I feel like this guy has little to no sense of personal bubble? I mean his quirk doesn’t exactly allow it, either... what I mean by this is that it takes a lot for Mirio to be scared off, so your autism? Not a problem, he’ll learn and he’ll be good to go. Your lack of ability to tell when to back off? He might never need to actually talk to you abt it, but if he does he knows exactly how to talk abt it in a way that won’t hurt you.

MIRIO INTERACTING WITH KIDS WILL GIVE YOU BABY FEVER I AM WARNING YOU. This guy is so sweet to kids and wowow- he’s so patient and kind and you see him at his best (and worst) and you’d fall for him so far, and sometimes you may find yourself wondering how or if he feels the same way towards you but what you don’t know is just like you’re watching him when his attention is somewhere else, he does the same for you. And if you could just see the lovesick expression on his face I swear- buddy is so deep in.

Songs!!! (Y’ALL ARE IN SOFT TERRITORIES BITCH)

- Love Like You, Steven Universe

- Sofia, Clairo

- Sad Song, Michael Barrow & The Tourists

- Soul Love, David Bowie

[redandfranticfeelings]

okay ive been wanting to make a post like this for a while but i wanted to make it an essay and i dont know if i can really organize my thoughts in that way yet, so here’s a chronological bullet-pointed dump to explain my very important thesis:

be more chill is about internalized ableism, and jeremy, michael, and christine are all highly autistic coded. this is going to be very long and detailed but only because there’s a lot of details that work very well under this lens.

there’s probably even stuff i missed but this is already extremely long so it basically just functions as a way for me to collect a bunch of details that i can piece together later in a more coherent manner.

“more than survive” in the context of jeremy being autistic works so much. the theme of wanting to be just socially acceptable enough to not burn out or be harassed is so relatable, and it visually establishes very early how jeremy is isolated from his peers due to his own awkward behavior and hypersensitivity. it’s coupled with his very obvious anxiety disorder, but the social aspect just screams autistic coding to me. i take this song to basically be “not having a meltdown is basically my goal but i would love to be neurotypical enough so i can heighten my standards and actually enjoy my social life.” some choice segments:

“if i’m not feeling weird or super strange, my life would be in utter disarray, cuz freaking out is my okay”

jeremy’s house being a mess is partly due to his dad’s serious depression, yeah, but i believe the other aspect is that jeremy’s executive dysfunction makes it just as hard to clean up in his place

he gets super anxious at the prospect of his expected routine being shaken up and having to make the decision on his own of how to get to school

“so i follow my own rules and i use them as my tools to stay alive” honestly sounds like a euphemism for autism to me

jeremy not really realizing that he’s staring at chloe

“avoiding any eye contact at all” explains itself

michael’s introduction, oh my god, every time i watch this part i just adore it. i could talk a lot more about michael’s autism later but this whole segment sells it especially.

first off, michael keeping his hood up and headphones on in a deliberate attempt to avoid social interaction and stay in his own space is such an autistic mood. even before this scene he’s constantly moving in the background to his music a la stimming. in the later performances he spends a lot more time playing with his hoodie strings and even chews on them!!

the fact he doesn’t talk to or even really look at jeremy until his song is done playing also feels very autistic to me! and the way he dances so confidently and basically pretends even his best friend isn’t there for the time being because he’s engrossed in his own passions.

michael is a great friend but it’s clear that he doesn’t really understand that his coping mechanism doesn’t really work for jeremy, and that even though michael feels confident reclaiming his identity as a ‘loser,’ jeremy doesn’t really feel any better about it. i think a lot of autistic folks, or at least i do, have this tendency to assume what works for us works for everyone around us at first due to our struggles with empathy. michael tries his best but struggles to see outside his point of view. it’s mind-blindness in action and jeremy can’t communicate why it upsets him any better than michael can pick up on it not working for him.

near the end of the song, they have a brief moment where all the ensemble crowds in around jeremy and the lights start flashing, which i interpret as a visual representation of sensory overload.

we’ll talk more about her soon, but outside of jeremy’s fantasies about her, christine also avoids social interaction during this number, constantly hiding her face in a book and avoiding eye contact just as much as jeremy. people forget that she’s not comfortable with unexpected social interaction, and that really informs my headcanon for her which brings us to....

“i love play rehearsal” is an autistic anthem. it also works, possibly even better due to in-text evidence, as an adhd anthem, but combined with the above it makes so much sense for her to be comorbid autism/adhd. i did a breakdown of the song in this context before, but i’ll sum it up here

the song showcases what having a special interest/hyperfixation is like. christine is singing to jeremy, yes, but she really seems so caught up in her own passion without much regard for how jeremy is following it, and even cuts him off from responding to her once or twice because she’s just so hyped up on her own feelings. she also basically implies her happiness is reliant on her special interest which is very relatable.

lines like “you follow a script so you know what comes next” also really sell the interpretation that christine isn’t good in unpredictable situations, and has so many identity issues and likes having something to look to where things are laid out for her. i think that stability is what a lot of autistic people look for, especially teenagers.

also with that in mind, look at how upset she gets watching a play she loves about get rewritten into something weird and new that she doesn’t know.

also gotta love how she still self-isolates before this song by focusing on her book, until she has a reason to infodump to jeremy. and then feels guilty afterwards and goes right back into her book while apologizing for getting “carried away”....biiiig mood there

the whole intro scene showcases both of their awkwardness so much. jeremy gets completely thrown off by her sarcastic comment about the swim team and almost believes it, which implies that he can’t read tone very well. and then christine’s “you’re a virgin” comment comes across like she really didn’t think about how that would sound to jeremy before saying it since she only made the clarification after he was ready to panic about it. she has a habit of speaking before she thinks, i think, the self-harm comment is also very awkward considering she barely knows jeremy.

after that scene we get “more than survive reprise” where jeremy admits to routinely having such bad breakdowns that he needs to step out and go to the nurse which works for both the anxiety disorder and the autism interpretation.

i’m not quite sure whether i see rich as autistic (i see him with a lot of mental issues for sure though) so i can’t say much on “the squip song” but there’s definitely something to describing a confused autistic kid as “almost helpless.” rich definitely has a habit of giving too much information though, i’ll say that.

“two player game” is just jeremy and michael being autistic solidarity: the song. i guess this is a good place to say that jeremy and michael work well as a contrast b/w two sides of autistic community, the side that struggles to function and desperately wants a change bc they’re afraid of being alone forever, and the side that tries to love all their symptoms and embrace their autistic pride. and as coincidental icing on the cake, jeremy wears blue (associated with the derogatory views from autism speaks) and michael wears red (associated with combating said views through autistic pride).

btw you could probably attribute michael’s ability to casually down a long-expired crystal pepsi as a sort of weird sensory quirk. and his fixation w/ that sort of memorabilia honestly feels like a special interest in its own right!

both “nice sideburns....wolverine, right” and “like in x-men????” using fiction as a reference point for real life always gives me autistic vibes (esp the first point where he awkwardly uses it to start conversation). can we assume x-men is a special interest? :3

jake referring to jeremy as a ‘freak’ when the squip turns on is really sad in this context but it also does make so much sense

now we get to the squip.....and what do you know, it uses tactics from abusive therapy used on autistic children. dare i say that “be more chill” as a song isn’t just an abuser’s song, but an ableist’s abuser’s song.

first off, the “spinal stimulation.” here’s a not so fun fact: electroshock therapy has been used to discourage autistic behavior in very recent years. (content warning in link for graphic description of ableist torture)

then the lyrics, in which the squip mostly focuses on jeremy’s posture and physically punishes him for disobeying. jeremy is shown to really struggle to stand up straight and pose himself in a normal, confident way, and i think that tendency to be unaware of what our body is doing is a pretty autistic thing?

the fact the squip singles out stammering and refers to jeremy’s “tics and fidgets” brings attention to two more autistic traits of jeremy’s

the squip basically punishes jeremy for responding “incorrectly” to social situations like rejecting brooke, even if they aren’t objectively wrong. it eventually just starts speaking for jeremy because jeremy seems incapable of acting natural. the squip is an abusive autism parent.

“sync up” demonstrates jeremy’s weird relationship with empathy. he wants to be nice to everyone- will has even called him “deeply empathetic”- but he’s initially really bad at seeing other people’s point of view, which is why he positions himself as sort of against the world, seeing everyone as better than him or trying to set up these barriers of Coolness where everyone else must be perfect compared to him. he’s so surprised to learn that the popular kids also hurt because of his strict idea of the social structure. it’s a combination of low self esteem and a black-and-white viewpoint.

let’s go back to christine. the squip, already established as ableist abuser, finds her “highly unusual” for acting in a way that disregards everyone who views her. she has very strange and specific visions in her head, and it seems very natural for her even if jeremy struggles to follow along.

in later performances, she chews on her sleeve and spins around during AGTIKBI. that’s stimming, babes. also gotta acknowledge “i don’t always relate to other people my age, except when i’m on the stage”

i’m gonna use this section to talk about jake and christine. christineis a bit unsure when interacting with jake, until he validates her interest- her acting is what really touches him. but jake, while good-hearted, has trouble being self-centered and thus not fully aware of christine’s own needs and space. so christine is always a little uncomfortable around him, especially in public, and not always willing to socialize. he is right about her being kind of stuck in her comfort zone, though, not doing anything off of her stage. and he is genuinely nice to her, it’s just a matter of their social strategies clashing.

the fact that the squip blocks out michael...i’ve had a lot of times in my life where i was told that socializing with other “weird” people would be counterproductive for my social development and it was part of why i was stuck with so few friends. so i really feel the idea that blocking out the person who helps you feel confident in your atypicality is framed as a good thing so you can act more socially adept, and that doing otherwise would just drag you both down.

hot DAMN does “loser geek whatever” make so much sense for an autistic kid with internalized ableism.

“it’s not only school that’s rough, being lonely’s stupid tough” makes it pretty clear this isn’t about the school social scene as muc as it is the entire social scene of the world. we may not see it, but it’s just (not) interacting with people in general that jeremy can’t stand.

“michael says that weird is rad but feeling weird just makes me sad” as stated above, makes a Lot More Sense with the idea that michael is both a more confident autistic and really bad at addressing jeremy’s own internalized ableism and desire to make connections outside his small friend group.

everything about jeremy boiling down all his problems to his “instincts” sucking and needing to basically be told what to do really highlights how autistic kids can feel broken because of their inability to fit into the social norm, to the point where we repress every behavior that actually makes us feel comfortable and unique. 

not to mention the line about him being seen as a “normal handsome guy” since autistic people tend to be infantilized and never seen as desirable (will roland also implied this line has trans coding which is another discussion altogether but i feel i should acknowledge that here)

all of those terms that jeremy calls himself near the end- namely weirdo, misfit, oddball, freak, failure- all of this sounds like the shit people throw at autistic kids. like this goes beyond anxiety alone, this is jeremy being outcasted and oppressed by the general public due to his behavior. especially the “please don’t speak” part, considering how often autistic kids are mocked for misunderstanding when to speak, how to speak, and what to talk about. jeremy needs some freaking love. :(

“michael in the bathroom” is a panic attack, related to severe anxiety, but i do see a lot of aspects that play into autism as well. the little nervous stimmy movements of foot-bouncing and picking at grout, the explosive sensory overload during the “knock knock” section of the bridge, the whole concept of losing the only person you ever managed to connect to without sacrificing who you are, dealing with this massive change to your sense of philosophy and reality where you pinned everything on one person to ground yourself, and thus you’re now completely lost trying to isolate yourself from this big overwhelming social gathering...neurodivergent anthem all around.

jeremy and christine’s couch interactions during halloween give me such autistic positivity. christine basically echolales jeremy’s weird noise and they both have so much fun vocal stimming that they forget there’s another person in the room. it’s such a sweet moment until jeremy ruins it by realizing that asking her out right after a breakup is Not Really Good For Her.

christine’s reaction to the fire demonstrates a clear case of hyperempathy to me. it isn’t discussed as much as a complete lack of empathy, but autistic folks are prone to feeling way too much especially when it comes to others’ pain. christine talking about how she hates that everyone’s hurting and desperately wants to help but doesn’t know how, and how we’ve already seen how much she struggles to connect with others like jake....it’s a very relatable, very specific autistic mood.

going back to the theme of jeremy and empathy, christine’s above hyperempathy kind of breaks this mold, and while jeremy always does feel for the other kids, by this point he feels so strongly- particularly for christine, who he also saw as a perfect confident being until now- that the squip can manipulate him into “fixing” everyone the same way the squip was supposed to “fix” him. and he never considers that christine doesn’t need to be fixed because he just projects his own insecurity that strongly onto everyone else who seems “weird” in the same kind of way- hence why he assumes michael is jealous of him back in MITB. it’s likely a result of the squip’s manipulation but i feel like mind-blindness is a factor, even if jeremy switches between struggling to process others’ emotions and being extremely empathetic.

michael’s special interest saves the day!!! :D

the whole fight b/w jeremy and michael, assuming it comes from a genuine place of repressed bitterness, has a lot of added subtext with them both being autistic. jeremy accusing michael of “giving up” on social interaction, michael envies jeremy for trying bc michael is clearly Not comfortable in most large social settings, jeremy envies michael for his pride, it just hits home for me i guess

rich calling michael “antisocial headphones kid” honestly how is michael not canon autistic

in the off-bway version michael briefly speaks too loud forgetting that jeremy’s head still hurts which is a relatable Forgot About Boundaries thing. plus him smacking rich playfully forgetting that rich is Still In Pain

“voices in my head” works nice as a fuck-societal-norms-and-just-be-happy song. “embrace the traits that make you so odd” in particular :’)

jeremy remembering christine’s infodump about her obscure bowling alley performance art idea and bringing it up to her again!!!

the squip doesn’t go away because ableism and the anxiety it brings and all the upsetting symptoms of autism don’t go away, but with the right support and confidence you can live with them!!! good message for mental disorders in general and works very well in this context!!!

so in conclusion.....be more chill is autistic pride!!!

[universal-kitty]

.: NatsuShio: The OC/Canon Ship That Ruined My Life :.

(In the Best Way)

@supernatural-cat98, get buckled in.

   Let’s start with how I started. An Okami OC.

   Her name is Shiori, but her full name is Shiorigami, a brush kami OC for the game Okami. Once an adoptable from DeviantArt, I made her into a fully-fleshed out character fit for the game. Sure, she’s an usual hybrid (nekotori; cat body, but with tail feathers like a small peacock), but she’s the kami of Poems and Literature. She’s got social anxiety and a thinly veiled reference to autism, as she is stunted to everyone, including her extensive family...but writing is where she blooms.

   Fiction, biographies, history, poems of all kinds... If it’s writing, she’s happy. It protects her and makes her happy, even when she fears she isn’t a good enough brush kami. Even if her powers are an inky echo of her mother’s.

   She once had short hair. She once loved a Lunarian named Kazuki... A scholar of the Moon Tribe, during a period of tension and war between his people and the Celestials... Shiori’s people. Despite it all, they truly did love each other, despite never admitting it out loud. He was gifted a scroll of poems he inspired her to write. He gave her a golden necklace- almost collar-like- with the symbol of the Moon Tribe engraved on the back.

   ...He would end up dying in a slaughter done by the evil the Moon Tribe had summoned. Those who fled to the mortal world to escape the war becoming the only survivors. Kazuki was gone...and left Shiori not only with a deep depression, but also with a fear to care for anyone who was mortal.

   Who could die and be ripped from her grasp, just like Kazuki had.

   Her hair grew out over the years (faceclaim: Suiren Shibazeki from Hibi Chouchou), protected by her mother to ease her pain of the death of the one she loved most...and in the years after the events of Okami, would stay either in her room on the Celestial Plain or occasionally live on the mortal world, in a small house to herself among a forest not too far from Ryoshima Coast.

   And so. It would be this starting point for a fateful meeting...

   Natsu Dragneel. Specifically, burningheartdragneel, my roleplay partner. (To my Shio, @goddessof-poems.) He met Amaterasu first, having somehow...gotten himself a little universe-lost. Befriending her was easy; both liking to fight, both loving to eat... It was easy for them.

   Yet he poses an interesting challenge for sweet, quiet Shiori. Little bookworm, easily forgets to eat at all, and isn’t much one for the adventuring scene, like her mother or Natsu.

   ...However, it’s because of her Natsu learns the joys of reading; specifically, an adventurous story of fiction Shiori had written some time before. He makes a small, but decent meal for the forgetful Shiori, ensuring she eats...and even motivates her to get out of her home, taking him to show off Ryoshima Coast and her own Water Tablet that Amaterasu gifted her.

   It’s our current roleplay and a still on-going one, but we came up with so much more as we talked over Discord. They will slow burn their way, but us? We know how the path goes....and we ended up falling in love with a pairing of our own creation.

ExoticGeneral: Ah gods I love this! Especially since Shiori isn't the kind to stop her work to eat or anything Natsu would at some point bring snacks with him and probably feed her (and he hardly likes sharing either) because somebodies is gonna have to be watching over her. But if he woke up with her all beside him, he'd be pretty flustered about it. Plus as an added bonus he always oddly warm, which makes for good cuddling in the winter/chilly days. :3c Yeah, he'd probably be more careful with her because even if she is a brush good she's just so fragile. He'd probably bond with her relatively easy though since he's always been a cat kinda guy? But yeah, demon hunting would be a big no-no while she was around. No need to try and scare her away. But I thought about that heat headcanon thing would be funny cause I can't see either making the first move ever! xD

Aki: Oh gosh, yeah. Shiori's the type for "skinny love" situations, where it's almost painfully obvious she loves the person, but if nobody acts on it, then it's this firm stalemate. Tbh, she'd likely only "confess" if he got really hurt and she was scared for him....but even then, it's confusing for the oblivious bc-?? Was that a confession? What if it wasn't????

ExoticGeneral: But god a confession like that would be hilarious cause it might just go over his head! He'd probably just grin like an idiot, being all like 'Thanks that means a lot' and playing it off as completely platonic possibly. He may be bold in everything else, but love is something he's actually insecure about considering his first girlfriend died, his mom, like three of his dads and his brother wants to murder him.

Aki: Ommmmggggg. She'd probably laugh a little and keep trying to tell herself it's better this way, bc like...... (And this is what kills me) She'd rather have a friend in him than nothing at all bc of rejection so she'd start spiraling down and try to keep upbeat even though she keeps thinking about it and getting guilty bc what if he only wants them to be friends???? What if he didn't like romance at all?? She doesn't want to push him away from her..... She'd rather suffer years of not having him love her back then lose him. (And re-reading this..... Ouch on the death of the first girlfriend. Shiori knows that pain.... Except slightly more painful that she also never confessed to the guy and lost him to the slaughter of the Moon Tribe.)

ExoticGeneral: AKI DONT They'd both end up suffering because they're shy potatoes who can't convey their feelings properly for the life of them! It wouldn't even get better cause she'd only start going down hill after a while and he'd more than likely notice but not realize he's the problem in a way and FUUUUUUCCCKKKK

Aki: HAHAHAHAHAA, YOU'RE TOO LATE; MY POWERS HAVE BEEN REALIZED She'd actually manage pretty well for awhile, being oblivious, but then the feelings would start and that very emotion would be her downfall. Because then what are you supposed to do when you want to hug your "friend" for no apparent reason and just...stay there? That you wouldn't mind if he stayed over all the time and got to sleep with him, because that's when the nightmares kept away from her? (And even if they did show up, he was there to comfort her...) She's an absolutely wreck after awhile and keeps spacing out and begins to screw up and she's like a black hole collapsing in on itself and it hurts so bad to watch

ExoticGeneral: STAHP YOURE HURTING MY SHIPPER HEART BEFORE THE SHIP ACTUALLY EXISTS That blackhole though, like how do you even fix that??? Because the closer you get to her the more it's probably hurting her and you could confess but getting closer is what caused it to progress. HOW DO YOU PROTECT YOUR SHIT WHEN YOU'RE THE PROBLEM!?!? Your making me emotional and it's only like 8 in the morning, I don't want to start my day sad already!

Aki: Shiori finally breaking down in front of Natsu though. Like, it was a little trip over a tree root or something and she says, "O-oh, n-no, I'm fine...." But Natsu's just-??? No you're not, you're crying. Why are you crying? What hurts?? And from there she starts bawling and Natsu is awkward but tries his best. He also has little to no idea what she's saying pass those sobs of hers, but oUCH PAIN EVERYWHERE. Then- awhoop- right out of that sobbing mess comes a pretty clear confession, whoo boy--

ExoticGeneral: But HOLY SHIT when a confession happens he'd get flustered. To the point of constant figgeting and just a permanent blush would cover his face. He'd probably end up staying silent, then just start crying and fuck me up. The first confession of his life??? hE WAS NOT READY FOR THIS BUT IS TOTALLY ACCEPTING OF THIS! She'd get to see an entirely new spectrum of him though when he gets all soft-hearted and actually reveals his romantic side???

Aki: Shiori's equally as flustered and waiting to please just collapse in on herself and cease existance....and then once she realized she didn't fuck things up, she's crying with him and so much affection????? Oh no, the cutes. Cutes everywhere. Also Shiori is a huge sap and she's going to love that. But now he has to deal with his cute new goddess gf blushing whenever he smooches even just her cheek. Or holds her hand. Or snuggles up to her..... When he breathes LMAO, Jk...~

ExoticGeneral: THem crying together. THat thought just gives me life cause they're just two mushy emotional destroyed people atm. Just I don't even know who would actually recover first at that point, maybe Natsu, and just give her the longest most affectionate hug he's got in him. This relationship ain't gonna last long, give it like a week and he'll probably die from a cute overload. He'd try to pamper her a bit (though he wouldn't know how really) and just take her out to star gaze and do some silly things. But holding hands??? Like that's really lewd ya know.

Aki: Yeeeaaaahhh, he probably would. Shiori's trying to calm down, but those silly tears won't stop~ But she'll still snuggle close when he hugs her and hug him back. AH. AAAAAAHHHHHH. Natsu coming back to her place after that little event and suddenly, her new greeting is, "Welcome home," with a bright smile. Natsu kneels tf over bc cHRIST DID HE JUST HAVE A HEARTATTACK?!?!?!??

   Oh yes. We had a LENGTHY talk about their confession... But is that all? Of course not!! We’ve also had conversations about...

   Sleeping habits:

Aki: Oh man, and if she woke up to that racing heart of his.... All sleepy and concerned and it's right out of a romance novel and someone help Natsu bc death is rapidly approaching

ExoticGeneral: And the thing is that's one of his quirks. Like his way of saying 'I think I like you' IS sleeping at there house a lot more often. TO the point where it's just an everyday exerpeince and it's only weird if he DOESN'T show up one night.

Aki: !!!! Natsu being late one night and he's surprised bc it's late as fuck but there's Shiori, obviously tired and ready for bed, but unable to sleep because she'd gotten used to sleeping with Natsu and his warmth. (He has to pull confidence and fake cheer before he's allowed to start dying in the darkness of her room; that was so fuckin' cute and she was holding onto that little cat plush and she looked so lonely jfc whAT THE FUCK that level of cute is illegal in all the states and all of the worlds and timelines, bYE)

ExoticGeneral: But I can totally see that! He just kinda pushes open her door and it's like 2 in the fucking morning. The conflicted feelings he must have though knowing that when he walks in there he's gonna suffer for a few hours or more but is like 'fuck ing worth it.'  (She needs to tone it down because if the guy who lives to fight wants to SNUGGLE then there's a problem. No one man, goddess or not, should be allowed to have so much power!)

Aki: She's just more than happy to see him bc dang it, she couldn't sleep without him...and the second she's comfy and curled up against him? Boop. Out like a light. (Plot twist: her real power is being cute as hell. Her cuteness so strong, who needs weaponry?? Flutter those lashes, tilt her head... If she has the ears and feather tails out? B y e. You're dead now. Sorry, don't make the rules.)

ExoticGeneral: JEEz THOUGH! Not being able to sleep without him! Now all of a sudden he becomes like a necessity for a proper nights sleep, or any at all really. (But that's one way to competely get to him. Sexy? Pfffft, he can ignore that most of the time. Cute, fucking slay him okay? Just 'Here lies Natsu, rest in pieces' and fuck she's a cutie!)

Aki: I mean.... He could be a mean little one and let her pass out once it becomes too much, but there's also the huge implication that Natsu actually sorta gets her on a sleep schedule?? Something she usually doesn't have at all???? When Natsu's getting snuggled up in the futon, it basically becomes a sign of, "Oh, time to stop for today and sleep." Reverse alarm clock, Natsu is. Getting a certain poetry goddess to bed rather than waking her up (or keeping her up, as is). (Shiori perfected the cute ability. Cute traits that'd be passed down for generations. Flirting-but-not-flirting, the ultimate technique. How will poor Natsu ever survive?!?)

   Dinners with Mom Amaterasu:

Aki: Meet the parents? More like, "Forget that formal stuff! Let's go out and eat dessert before dinner!!!!" Because Ammy doesn't really do formal anymore and why not just....use the time for the better?? Like eating???? Not to mention, then she can embarrass the two like, "Now you gotta feed each other. Do it, do it, do it~!!" Ammy is a gr8 mom, as you can tell

ExoticGeneral: Well I don't think it could happen. I think Ammy and natsu met because he tried pelting her with water ballons. There is no need to be formal after that! But I can see Ammy rigging everything somehow. Just like ordering milkshakes for all three but 'accidentally' forgets one so she gets a whole one while Natsu and shiori share. with coincidentally two staws.

Aki: "Hmmmm, would you look at that.... Strange." Casually drinks at her own like NBD--  And that's true!!! No formality exists here; there's only the two dorks and the shy poet, who's more than happy to be the little side-line cheerleader for their antics. (Unless they're questionable. Then she's worried and trying to get them off of the idea. Probably crit. hits Natsu by being cute.)

  The time I almost wrote in our RP that Shiori was gonna kiss his cheek....and they’re not even CLOSE to dating, oh boy:

Aki: .....It suddenly occurs to me that I want an aesthetic made of NatsuShio.............

ExoticGeneral: I'm laughing. This isn't a pairing (Yet) and you're like grabby hands

Aki: Hey. Hey. Compare this to the time I almost wrote in Shio kissing Natsu's cheek waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too early, and a little aesthetic ain't that bad~

ExoticGeneral: You know if you had wrote that slip up I would have went along with it too. It would have been a hilarious mess.

Aki: LMAO. Even Shiori would be confused like, "......I have never before in my LIFE ever done that.... Why did I do that now?!?" This is the Sims and I am the tru god and their lives are my pLAYTHINGS

ExoticGeneral: He would have stopped everything for a solid 5 minutes then continue like it didn't happen. If you don't react it's like it never happened, right? I mean that's how we do it anyways. We make them suffer cause it's fun

Aki: Plot twist, though...... Isn't even freezing considered a reaction?! So by freezing he thinks he didn't react, but the act of freezing up is a reaction in itself......!! YOU'VE BEEN PLAYED, NATSU!!! They aren't suffering yet, buuuuut..... All in due time

   Memes, of course:

ExoticGeneral: Ammy: So do you and Shio call each other pet names? Natsu: Pfffft! No! Of course not! Ammy: What do bees make then? Natsu:....Honey? Shio, from the other room: Yeah, sweetie? Ammy: Don't you ever lie to my face again.

Aki: tHIS WOULD HAPPEN, F U CK-- I AM LOSING IT

   And the moment we acknowledged how we know this ship was The One; our OTP forever and always: (featuring the best rant I’ve ever written for this ship)

ExoticGeneral: It's literally freaking insane how you just start having ten billions of ideas running through you're head! Like okay time to put then through some angst hell, then recovery fluff, little slice of life, smooches and some bonding/ development??? Like Im getting way too far ahead of myself here??? But the ideas/drabbles keep on rolling anyway. This is how you know this is the one.

Aki: Yes!!! And like.... Honestly, I pride myself on doing "realistic" stuff? Having my characters contradict themselves sometimes, do something that would hurt....cause humans are like that. Hell, it's why I also brazenly went for Shiori's emotional breakdown when she heard the news that all Lunarians had died..... Including her dear Kazuki.  Being able to imagine and know how that breakdown went in my head, where nothing she tried worked, until she went crawling back to her mother to grant her wish to not exist...take the pain away......  Boi. B o i. When it comes to big time storywriting, I get hELLA AMPED. I'm ready to show them every corner of the world, good or bad. Perfection or deep flaws. Give me that angst where they will realize that it hurts, but having someone to hurt with makes the pain ease a little. It doesn't fix everything, but having those assuring words and someone who cares deeply makes it harder to be upset. Let them have those slice of life days where Shiori wakes up in bed for once, stomach not aching or feeling like a void, and ready to start a new day. Have him drag her out to explore and shake up her old, rigid life. Let them, in the future, kiss and hug and wonder why....but know that if waiting so long meant finding love and getting it this right, then it was worth the wait. Let them develop so much, that we look back to where we started and cackle with joy, cause they friggen made it. Wow, a sappy rant from me, yEEHAW

ExoticGeneral: Damn right sister! Preach it! Like sometimes I just sit there with some bsckground music on and its so fitting that you just throw out 20 paragraphs like no problem. I just need those days with them where they argue over something little and it gets so blown out of proprtion and convoluted that they just forget what is was about? Just random nights of stargazing then falling asleep? Or literally doing nothing and either of them thinks of their s/o and gets super flustered for no reason? The day they actually become a couple but still trains his tush off and shio doesnt ask how he got strong, but why he did cause heckie is that gonna be one wild ride of a story. But the simple, final answer is to  protect her. Not because she's the daughter of Ammy, but because he failed to do so with his dad and elder brother and doesn't want to lose her too. Like I want weakness that comes with trust? Fear that comes with love? But also the fulfilling satisfaction of contentness. That you wouldn't trade this for anything else, its a unique feeling that only they can deliver. Ya feel?

Aki: Right??? Good heavens, mention music and now I need to go look up Shio's number one mood music........ Can't think Shio romance (especially where it's "skinny love") without remembering the song, sO-- Right?? Well, more likely her trying to fight back but she angry cries and just gets frustrated and shuts down. Won't talk. Won't feed the flames anymore with replies, but doesn't seek peace, either. It's a night where it alternates between dead silence in the home once more or quiet, strained sobs of someone who's already used to being hurt; she's just finding it harder to keep that pain quiet.    But it's..... It's home. More than it's ever been. From a family she couldn't quite connect with some days, to her own home all to herself... A place her own and where her life fit.    Last thing she would've ever expected is to find- in many ways- her opposite....and yet someone she'd find herself falling for all the same. Where it's funny to imagine her home used to be quiet and peaceful. Now there's some training dummies outside and even if he strays from home, she can hear him making noises out not too far away. There's footsteps of another person in her home now. This home....it's his home, too.    Something they're both happy to have. Company, understanding, and just.... An imbalance that makes it a balance by not being perfect.    She slows him down. He speeds her up.    They learn something from each other.    It hurts sometimes. His life will likely be long....but to what length? Will it end? Does she want to know? Should she ask?    And understanding what her mother saw in mortals from that.... Just because they cannot match in eternal age, doesn't make it all any less. The memories shared? Still memories made. Love was still had and wasn't it sweet? To love someone so completely, to have fought and made up, loved and lost...    It's scarier when it's you who can be hurt; this isn't watching someone's life play out like a movie. This is her life now and his and theirs together and it breaks her heart to know she could potentially lose him, but..... He's going to teach her so much. And she would understand what her mother does.    He'll be loved all the more for it.

ExoticGeneral: I literally have absolutely no words for this. I cant believe you would make me cry like this at midnight. This was the most hurtful, true, heartfelt yet heartbreaking thing I've read. I freaking forgot you did poetry is you spare time like holy.

   ...They just. Work together. It’s the perfect “opposites attract” relationship while still maintaining a balance between who they are alone and what their relationship is. The bolster of inspiration and motivation that they get from each other... He motivates her to leave the house more (often with him on a little adventure) and gives her that experience. As said, she slows him down and gets him to read more. Even try writing for himself, writing Shiori a small poem that he [slams down onto her desk and runs off in a hurry] gives her.

   Broadening their horizons with each other. The support and pure affection and how they do their best in their own ways to support each other... It’s perfect. Made a home in our hearts. And we sure wouldn’t want it any other way.

   As a final note... Have one more silly little meme we came up with:

Aki: So I'm re-reading our chat [again] and I just thought of this...... Natsu: I live to fight, so Imma take you down!!! Shiori, in her sleepy-whiny voice: Natsuuuu...... I wanna cuddle.... Natsu, already leaving: .......Someone else lives to fight and will take you down!!!

ExoticGeneral: You know that old saying goes, he who runs away lives to fight another day I'm glad I'm the only who just goes back and re-reads this entire message board of gross romance and heartbreak

   So yes, ship NatsuShio. Your heart will thank you...after it dies for 2 hours because of the angst that tails this ship in bittersweet flavors.

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[feargender]

it is super duper fine if you would rather not, but is there any chance that for your autistic alec series you could maybe write a fic where alec is doing happy stims (maybe hand flapping?) and is a little apprehensive about doing it in front of magnus bc he was taught stimming was “silly” and magnus is supportive bc he likes seeing his boyfriend happy? sorry if that’s a lot; like i said, no worries if you’re not up for it!! i hope you have a good day and i love your writing!!

anon, there is literally nothing i would like to write more. 

read here on ao3

Holding the tablet in hand, Alec feels giddy with excitement. His heart, thudding hard in his chest carries blood to his cheeks, a happy blush filling him from head to toe. He can stay seated, he has to move around. He keeps the tablet held to his chest, peeking down at the words to grin stupidly as he paces around the living room, throwing open the balcony doors, the loft feeling too crowded with his buzzing energy.

He’s standing in the middle of the room when Magnus exits his study, rubbing his eyes. He smiles curiously when he sees Alec, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, jiggling his entire body as he types something with one hand on the tablet tucked in his arm.

“Something good happen?” he asks, snapping Alec out of his thoughts. He saves his email as a draft and looks at Magnus with a smile, holding the tablet with the message out to him.

As Magnus reads, he explains, “The San Francisco Institute wants to implement a Downworld Council in their own community, based on ours here in New York. The head of the Institute wants me to come out and help her spearhead the project. She also mentioned something about a queer visibility program in the Shadowhunter community that she might want to discuss with me while I’m there.”

The Head of the San Francisco Institute has become a vocal member of the Clave these past few months, since her youngest daughter came out as transgender and she realized that silence wasn’t neutrality, but siding with people who would hurt her own family. She’s reached out to Alec before, but this request is a happy surprise.

Magnus finishes reading the message and beams at Alec. “That’s amazing, Alexander. She wants all of us to accompany you?”

Alec, still bouncing up and down on his toes, nods. When he realizes Magnus is tracking the movement with his eyes, eyebrows slightly up, he stops, however. He clears his throat and sits on the couch. “Yes, I’ll bring it up at the next meeting this weekend. Sorry,” he says.

Magnus sits beside him, setting the tablet aside and laughing. “Sorry for what? This is wonderful.”

“No, no, not that. I sometimes,” Alec gestures to where he had been standing, “When I get excited. It’s weird.”

Alec does his very best to avoid mentioning being autistic, or attributing things to his autism. It feels like an excuse, or admitting to some secret weakness. Magnus uses the actual word autism more than Alec, even when he’s the one to bring things up about it. Which he can tell he just did, rather inadvertently, when Magnus fixes him with a look, head tilted forward, eyebrows quirked upward.

“Alexander, when you’re happy, I’m happy. If that is a part of how you express happiness, there’s no way it could warrant apologizing,” Magnus says simply, and Alec shrugs, rubbing the back of his head.

“It just feels like my emotions are too big for my body, sometimes. I have to let them out or I’ll burst,” Alec explains.

“Then let them out. I’ll never mind. Anyone who does is an ass,” Magnus replies, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek.

“It is really great, isn’t it? San Francisco,” Alec says, a new smile creeping onto his face.

“It’s very exciting. You’re making a difference, Alexander,” Magnus says, grinning when Alec begins bouncing gently on the couch, squeezing Magnus’ hand.

“We are. All of us. I’m just doing what the Clave should’ve been doing all the time. It was up to you all to trust me. Thank you, Magnus,” Alec is thanking him for several things at once, but doesn’t think he needs to clarify, because Magnus just smiles and rubs his thumb over the back of Alec’s hand.

“So, San Francisco. Any chance our trip will coincide with Pride?” Magnus asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

Alec laughs. “I’m sure I could arrange that.”

[arodrwho]

curtis holt autism things:

was the most hyperverbal dweeb child to ever exist ever even 1 time

got him called motormouth, chatterbox, hey-you-shut-up, energizer bunny, loudmouth,, hey-you-shut-up-for-real,,

absolutely had both a dinosaur And a space phase

wanted to be an astronaut til he learned about the whole training regimen thing and then. yikes'd right out squarely into the Theory Zone, bc

was super easily motionsick as a kid. like ridiculously. embarrassingly. frustratingly (he could never read in the car like he wANTED to)

definitely did raptor hands when he was little. thought of them as dino hands, bc of the aforementioned dinosaur phase

had too much enthusiasm for too many things at once to ever choose just 1 ideal future job (why be Just a paleontologist or Just an astronaut when u could be both And a chef And an artist And win the Whole Olympics all at once besides??)

for this reason, can't quite track his life in special interests, bc they overlapped too much. could if he tried track by the primary few at any given time tho

most definitely stimmed w/his own hair as a kid. twist, twist, curl, tug

(sometimes still does but tries not to)

mouth runs ahead of brain in part for impulsivity reasons but also cos.......doesn't click that the words are ungreat til they're said & reacted to

big big big compassion but empathy is a little.....ehhhhhh

like as a kid would cry for bugs & plants bc They're Sad And/Or Hurt, but like. if someone's pet or loved one died he'd just kinda be like. well that happened and is objectively sad i guess but i don't feel anythin abt it

what the hell is hunger or feeling full?? + i must always be eating = chub kid

always the first to notice when milk's gone off

reports were 3 times longer than they needed to be bc It's All So Interesting I Must Share Everything Aaaaaaa (and also how do synthesize information)

in trouble for mouthing off but he's just excited & wanting to share Cool New Knowledge

talked at people until they friended him

vivid fuckin imagination. whole exploding worlds inside his head. tried to draw them sometimes. could never quite capture them

never got a prof dx

as a kid everything was explained away as either him bein Disruptive & Contrary & Bratty, or him bein eccentric & Gifted & bored (depending who was doing the explaining) (his family leaned toward the former, most of his teachers the latter--save 1 or 2 on either side)

he leaned into the whole eccentric/Gifted/bored thing real hard himself as an explanation for why he didn’t quite fit in w/the other kids, not in an arrogant way, just a like. “there must be a reason i feel like i’m not like them & feel so weird & outta place & this must be it bc it’s the most logical reasonable reason & therefore yes,” kinda way

then later was like “oh i’m gay, lol that’s prolly parta why too”

nd then figured out he was autistic as an Adult and briefly had a v small crisis like “wait. this ? isn’t all just Gifted Kid stuff?? i’ve. been lied to my entire life my entire concept of myself is wrong??? w h--” but then he chilled out & got over it & now he’s like “oh ye i’m an autism, sweet”

in general has never liked things touching his face that aren't glasses or his own hair bc Feels Weird (as kid, this extended p broadly to things like droopy hoods, other ppl's hands, face paint, halloween masks, blankets, bits of string. as an adult he can more or less tolerate all thos things but many are still uncomfy af--and thus he complains abt his mask feelin weird)

v emotional abt science & discovery as like. concepts

loud autistic. loud loud loud, til his battery runs down & then he gets real quiet & shuts down

never met a chair he didn’t swivel in

probably owns at least one squash ball thing

has been known on occasion to stim w/a deactivated t-sphere

has invented lil weird gadgety stim toys

cooking adventures swing wildly between “expertly made & beautifully plated multi-course meal” and “spoonful of peanut butter + 3 whole pretzels,” & which one he’ll embark on depends (almost) entirely on how deep he is into his latest project

(almost bc if there’s another human being he’s cooking for he’ll generally pull himself out of whatever project to make them the proper human food--unless it’s like, actual literal life or death, in which case: thank u universe for inventing takeout)

can’t read a goddang room. is painfully aware of this fact, but has resigned himself to it & the fact he’ll always realize he’s misread the room about 25 seconds after he’s opened his mouth & stuck his foot in

rly likes “x is [group] culture” jokes

is in general a big ol gay autistic nerd & these are jus The Facts

[xavierscos]

Not depicted: Any side characters for stories (example: Alejandro’s family, Traci’s family, Garrett’s old bff, Oscar’s pals) bc they don’t get any development, any fandom ocs (so, warrior cats and gem ocs), and co-owned ocs (Mattie+Mako’s kids, Sikey+Grey’s kids, and Ziker+Grey’s kids)

Here’s a small blurb about each one but if u want 2 kno more abt any of em, hmu! I love talking abt my ocs :”) ((not all at once tho u gotta specify who u wanna hear more abt))

Sikey – My oldest and FAVORITE oc! She’s the most developed tbh. She’s married to Grey (Moe’s OC); her age depends on the artwork (because sometimes I’ll draw stuff abt her from her past or even like future au’s so yeah. Typically in the late 20s – early 30s age).

Ziker – He was actually originally Sikey’s “”genderbender”” (yikes lmao). But his personality was like 10x more different and I decided “hey u kno what. He’s his own guy”. He’s a trans boy whose two years older than Sikey, and he’s married to Grey’s brother Gery (Moe’s OC).

Carrie – Sikey + Ziker’s mom! She got out of an abusive relationship after Sikey was born (like, a year or so after. The boyfriend abandoned her + her kids) but she’s been a HELLA RAD mom. She moved from Italy when Sikey/Ziker were around 2-3 and 4-5 (trying 2 give her kids enough time to learn English as well as Italian). Never really hooked up with anyone else but in a certain verse/au monster version of carrie ends up dating alejandro’s mom, Rosita ! idk if it’s the same for human verse (which, probably is I mean. They all have human versions idk why I drew alejandro/garrett/traci and banner/Oscar/Vicky/Adelaide as their monster/anthro uehguh versions when htye have canon human designs and actually kinda take place verse??? Idk I guess its bc I introduced alejandro/garrett/traci as those designs). She’s in her 40’s-50s depending on sikey’s age

Mac – another old oc! He’s mute and really friendly and loves jokes. Mainly sex jokes. Fucking shameful boy. Age typically in late teens, like 18+

Rachel – yet another old oc! She was actually just sikey’s friend and mac’s friend but ive changed it now so that Rachel is mac’s older sister! She’s around the same age as sikey

Opal – she has vitiligo and DID. She’s nicky’s bff and she’s not exactly that developed : (….she does have cameos w/ Nicky in a few of my works such as FNJB. Like I said not much of her is developed! Idk how many alters she has but 2 of them include a nervous jittery boy in his teens, paranoid of work and shit; another is an aspiring actress and loves being dramatic for literally no reason. Stubs her toe? Flings herself onto the table and wails a monologue.

Nicky – asHFDUF I had a lot of stuff abt them but I forgot bc I never wrote it down so they’re still in rough development. They’re a few years younger than opal, and agender. They also may either have autism or OCD (or both). I do know they like to collect items such as shells and caps and shit, and they associate specific moods + feelings with said items so if they’re feeling a certain way towards someone they give them the items

Mattie – another old oc asufdshf. He’s one of the most developed and he’s a BASIC BITCH I hate him. Ugh. Fucker. He’s boyfriends w/ Moe’s oc Mako and they have like 80 kids pls chill n slow tf down

Atticus – mattie’s bff. He’s bi and chill and a BIG BARA BOY. Trying 2 hook up n date moe’s oc alec. Cuties…. He used 2 have a giant crush on mattie but its passing now bc hey matties in love w mako (they’re.. pretty close 2 getting engaged I mean,,)

Sandra – another friend of matties squad! She’s like, the mom figure and codie’s girlfriend. She also has a younger brother ronny whose a PIECE OF SHIT its unbelievable they’re related. I love sandra

Codie – super chill trans gal. she loves to lounge around and helps Sandra babysit sometimes; she has an odd love for board games. What the heckie. Also dyes her hair pink bc. Pretty. Also she has a younger brother named tye whose the youngest of the squad

Reese – a new oc! He’s p chill. Screen gets stabbed by todd and bb keeps almost getting him killed. Let this kid rest he’s so tired.

Todd – FUCKING. MEAN!!!!!!!!!!!! He has a chest mouth and HES MEAN.

BB – a little SHIT BAG. Literally a walking and talking tablet who makes sexual innuendos and jokes abt porn. Fucking . aisdfudfsd

Adrien – adventurous trans boy made of slime! Said slime is flavored chocolate strawberries. He likes to go on adventures and has ,, cat ears + tail made of a more gummy material idk. anyways he likes to adventure and calls his grappling hook his baby

Tally – a sweet goirl. Probably trans I haven’t developed her a whole lot either. Used 2 date Sparta but they broke if off bc “eh we’re better as friends”. Makes a few cameos in other works such as FNJB. Bffs w Sparta and emmelie (chey’s oc)

Sparta – originally a tiger kid but, eh. Not anymore. genderfluid and LOVES TO FUCKING PRANK ANYTHING THAT MOVES, PLEASE CHILL TF OUT. Bffs w/ tally and also dating emmelie (chey’s oc). Fun fact I call these three the “Greek Squad” bc sparta’s named after an ancient Greece city, tally’s middle name is Athens, and emmelie is greek!!

Marlene – a luna moth trans girl!! Not very developed bc shes relatively new (as are poodle, Julia, bb, reese, and todd). She’s the Mom Friend of her squad and an elegant beauty

Poodle – a poodle moth trans girl. She loves wearing wooly and cotton-y stuff and her wardrobe is just. fluff. She’s really cute and a social sweetheart and is gay 4 the punk goirl Julia.

Julia – a rosy maple moth (originally based on skull’s head moth but, changed). She’s a kickass punk (also she’s a DFAB agender person who uses they/them or she/her!). dating poodle and ghost written by henna

Oscar – a trans demiboy deer guy. He goes on adventures with banner and loves nature and cute aesthetics and shit. Probably runs an aesthetic blog. Travels through space w/ banner + Vicky/Adelaide. Oscar’s best friend (also may be dating them idk ?)

Banner – agender badass alien. Literally made of stars and shit. Travels space w their best buddy Oscar and eventually picks up Vicky and Adelaide. It’s a fun time yo.

Vicky – is a trans girl and has DID. Big, buff, and loves 2 snack and eat. Adelaide’s best friend and also super menacing (despite actually being. Really sweet and gentle. A placid pal). I haven’t developed much on her alters yet. One of them is mean and insults everybody’s fashion sense.

Adelaide – WILL SHOOT ANYTHING THAT MOVES IF SHE’S GOT HER ARROWS. MADE OF ANGER AND SPITE. LOVES TO GET INTO FIST FIGHTS. U were scared of Vicky? Think again fuckers adelaide’s the real menace. Another trans goirl

Garrett – oh man please let him rest why is he always getting stabbed

Alejandro – oh man please stop this kid why r they always getting garrett hurt

Traci – oh man give her a BREAK PLEASE SHE’S TIRED.