#not rlly a vent more of a reflection

[eclaire-went-bam]

in middle school, this girl confessed feelings to me in front of a looootta people. i asked my friend about it, bcs i didn't feel the same way, but she did it in front of like. Everyone. he told me that i just needed to "decide" if i liked her now. i thought it was weird — why would you decide to like somebody? was romantic attraction a switch i just hadn't tried hard enough to flip?

i "decided" that i did, because i didn't want to be a bad person for rejecting her in front of everyone

It took me a long time to realise that you shouldn't have to "decide" if you like somebody, & that i was just aromantic, not an edgy preteen who just hated crushes and romance because i was too immature to grow up like my peers did, or whatever

[bblrap]

i wanna worry less about people not liking my vibe and worry more about liking my own vibe. but also if i dont get validation from someone that was born after 1980 ill explode i feel so alien and sheltered from real people. also if that guy doesnt call me back on monday and give me MONEY for the WORK ive done im gonna... well

[wagpastie]

sometimes i see peoples posts that make sweeping statements about specific demographics with absolute certainty and its just like. man you truly just not have had many good people in your life huh

[nightcolorz]

tagged by @molloytheboy Ilysm king thank u for the tag <3 this is so fun

How many works do you have on AO3? 10

What’s your total AO3 word count? 74,616

What fandoms do you write for? right now just the vampire chronicles + amc iwtv. I used to write Batman fan-fiction about the rogues gallery but I stupidly deleted them from a03. I wrote one fic that’s still up about hazbin hotel, and I used to write a lot for our flag means death but for some reason never published any of that

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? You can lean on my arm as you break my heart, Millennia Gate, A Slave For God, церковь в огне, and Must Have Been the Wind

Do you respond to comments? I try to always respond to comments! I love comments so so much and if someone is taking the time to tell me how they feel about my fic then they deserve to hear back from me ❤️🙏‼️ often times all I can think to say is a heart felt thank u, but I want the ppl who get something from my writing to know how much it means to me

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? this is a tough one bcus a lot of my fics are straight up heart attacks. I usually end up defaulting to a small bit of hope to end things off when I go rlly dark, and the only time I didn’t do that was with “You can lean on my arm as you break my heart”, which is probably my darkest fic anyway. A handful of my fics end ambiguously bleak like that but I think the intensity of that one makes the sort of ambiguous sort of bleak ending extra upsetting. But most of my fics end badly

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Definitely “A vile hunger for your hammering heart” haha. That is one of my favorite fics I’ve written but it’s so niche and stupid it rarely gets any attention 😭🙏

Do you get hate on fics? I only ever got a hate comment once on my tiny Drabble collection, for tagging it as bpd cuz lestat was displaying some heavy bpd traits and they didn’t like that ig. I deleted the comment and vagued them on my tumblr and they showed up in my ask box so I hope this doesn’t summon them 💀. It was funny tho! Rlly rlly confusing stuff😭. But nah otherwise not rlly, which is surprising to me cuz I write some stuff definitely hate worthy 🙏but I don’t think hate is super common on a03, at least in this fandom

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Yeah sometimes. I only can rlly write smut that’s traumatic and unhealthy 😭. I wrote happy smut once in my life, in “it must’ve been the wind”. Otherwise I write evil smut

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? I honestly am not a fan of crossovers 💔

Have you ever had a fic stolen?I hope not! 😭. But no I don’t think so.

Have you ever had a fic translated? I wish!

Have you ever co-written a fic before? I consider my claim to fame “millennia gate” to be co written, but it technically isn’t written by two ppl lol. I write it and my boyfriend helps me brainstorm and edit

What’s your all time favorite ship? Daniel x Armand, for sure. Weirdly enough I’ve only ever written and published Drabbles about them. I’ve been planning to write more of them tho 🙏‼️

What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I hate this evil ass question 😭 I don’t want to say millennia gate bcus I love her and so many ppl love her but I’ve rlly been struggling to find motivation to write her lately. Millennia gate is a reflection of such a specific time in my life and I used it to vent a bunch of issues I was having, and it’s hard for me to tap into that now that I’ve grown sm as a person. I think and hope that inspiration will come back to me tho cuz I hate the idea of abandoning her 🙏 my love child truly.

What are your writing strengths? I’ve been told I’m good at writing dialogue, themes, and pacing. Ive also been told im good at understanding and portraying characters in a way that’s true to the source material+ compelling, which is good cuz I write fanfic lol. A lot of ppl read my fics cuz they like my metas, so I think that’s a strong suit. I’m also a freak for metaphors 😭 oh my god I use elaborate figurative language in casual conversation, it’s bad. The best praise I ever got was from a teacher, she said I write like Anne rice but way better 😭. I don’t rlly think that’s true, but I love it.

What are your writing weaknesses? I find it hard to be subtle and let my writing speak for itself, I tend to hammer things home a bit too strongly so that the effectiveness wears off. I always fight the urge to write big blocks of unnecessary text just so the audience knows what I’m getting at, over explaining and stuff. I struggle with writing sentences that aren’t super long and clunky. I’m rlly bad with grammar. I can’t spell 😭. I also am blind to the quality of my own writing and tend to over edit unnecessarily cuz I find it hard to open up to beta readers

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I do it all the time. I don’t use google translate, I try to use more deluxe sources when I write in languages I don’t speak because I’d be so embarrassed if I got something wrong 😭. But I rarely write in a language I don’t speak for more then a sentence or two. Once someone who speaks French commented that they loved that they could read the French in my Lestat fic and I was so happy and relieved it was coherent to someone who speaks the language 😭

First fandom you wrote for? The first fandom I wrote for was technically the how to train your dragon books in my childhood notebook, but the first fanfic I ever published was for Harry Potter. I remember it was an angsty backstory fic about Remus lupin, lmao.

Favorite fic you’ve written? it changes, but right now it’s церковь в огне, because I re read and think about it as if it’s a fic I haven’t written 😭. But I have my favorite memories attached to “must have been the wind”, “A vile hungering for your hammering heart” and Millennia gate. Those last three have started inside jokes with me and my friends, and r often quoted to me 😭 so definitely I consider them favorites thank u again for the tag Finn!! Tagging @oopsallvampires @discomfort-character @lestatslestits

[5hrignold]

lsp episodes ranked by how much they make me want to punch myself in the face out of how upset i am that i cant hug and hold her for 4 hours straight

bad timing is the big one. the entire premise of that episode is basically “what if lsp finally found someone who really likes her and she connects with but it was her fault she lost him” and i love it. it consumes my mind that she could’ve had it all right there. and i really think the cherry on top is the way at the end she begs for bonnie to erase her memory of the whole thing. literally who wouldn’t do the same thing. i would

be sweet is rlly good because it has sweet pea and Also because it addresses that yeah lsp is now on good terms with her parents and doing things for herself and doing well but she still isn’t happy. she still feels alone and disconnected from other people and she regrets choices she’s made that make her feel like she isn’t worth good things other people have. it matters a lot to me because that specific thing of hers pretty much is never brought up any other time ever except in this episode so it’s special. also the part near the end where she sings the little lullaby to sweet pea Aaaaaaa. ya! her soft voice is my fav thing eever 😊😊😊

slime central is another one where it kinda revolves around her self esteem being put into a blender on highest speed lol. her idea of perfect is skating with her friends and having a boyfriend Basically. and that just gets taken away with her, she’s rejected and called terrible and humiliated. and yet after that she’s still herself because like. she has to be. the 2 biggest moments in that ep is when she falls over and everyone in booing and she’s just laying on her back in the dark looking absolutely mortified and after they get kicked out where she’s crying about never fitting in

I KNOW loyalty to the king is not an lsp episode but what there IS of her is really good. just that one scene of her wanting to be whatever the nice king finds most convenient for him and straight up PUNCHING HERSELF to force her body to be smooth.. Its a lot. its a good chunk of her character summarised like yea that 30 second scene is literally her

the monster is super important because it’s the 2nd super lsp centric episode and it does a good job summarising what she goes through throughout the series. trouble in lumpy space is like a basic introduction of her life in the most neutral “nothing has happened yet” state and this episode shows what happens afterwards and how it makes her feel. she craves the feeling of being in control of her life but it’s either not getting that or upsetting her parents so that’s already like. she’s in a bit of an emotional corner. so she runs away and is met with nothing but what feels like just more punishment for just wanting to prove to herself that she can do things on her own. also this episode im PRESUMING is where she discovers her love and deep connection to animals!! which is absolutely one of my favourite aspects of her so fuckin awefomeee

the prince who wanted everything is really really good bc it’s an entire episode basically of her venting her feelings through her fionna and cake fanfic of her oc. it’s mostly reflective of her feelings towards finn, how he was the one who made her really realise her worth, but also stuff about how she prefers to do things that make her feel good and free in the moment, and how she views her parents, even if just internally. also people take the line about lumpy space prince only being able to date “someone who is so much like me she doesn’t even exist” as another like ohh classic self absorbed lsp Moment haha! but i really really like it bc it resonates with me lowkey . lol

princess day is another one that revolves around her guilt for acting the way she does and it being all she knows how to be. from the very start of the episode her mere presence is seen as an offense and an insult to everyone around eachother and so, having not much else to do in that position, she lashes out on breakfast princess. which AGAINNN again is very much a summary of her entire character. people hate her no matter what so she resorts to doing all she knows - being loud and assertive to make people respect her at the very least. this episode is also super special bc it shows us the exact moment her and marcy meet !!! in my mind she’s kinda the first to person to really listen to what lsp has to say, and her troubles and stuff, and she genuinely enjoys her company and lsp is absolutely flattered by how fondly marcy treats her and frankly never stopped being super cautious of it for a while until she Knew she really likes her

summer showers is kind of a blur to me but it is super good. i really like viola and her dynamic with lsp in this episode is cute. we get a whole scene where lsp just ends up venting to viola pretty much completely on accident while trying to tell her how to get the raindrops just perfectly right, because everything in the play has to be top tier since it’s very important to her. this episode gives another peek into how much of a little nerd lsp is which NO ONE talks about. she loves writing, she loves acting things out and being super dramatic and getting really into playing characters, she gets invested in silly things, she’s like best friends with turtle princess for crying out loud. she is cringe!!!!! and it’s adorable and wonderful of her!!!

i talked about trouble in lumpy space before so continuing. i do like that basically her first act in the show is screwing something up completely on accident without her being able to control it (her ability to float suddenly disappearing and that resulting in her biting finn). it’s really really good lol. i love this episode so dearly for 2 huge reasons ; it’s the most we see of early seasons lsp, and it establishes what her life was like before she started being more independent. the people she knew, where she went and how her people view her, her relationship with her parents and her friends and stuff. i feel like without all the stuff we learn about lumpy space in this episode there’d be WAY less to lsp. im just extremely grateful for it because the damn place pretty much never appears again in the entire series apart from the happy place thing in elements and lsp’s scene in the come along with me ending sequence

the creeps, again, not at all An Lsp Episode, BUT it does have a scene that reveals some stuff about her that’s important, which is her inability to really commit to relationships without being afraid. she objects to talking about why she broke up with brad at first but while finn is talking to bonnie she just completely falls apart to the pressure (which is absolutely nothing) and breaks out rambling about how much she regrets it and how she thought all you needed to do to be a good girlfriend was to look pretty. which lfhfhfbfdbdbfbfbfbbfbf. my Girl…………….my poor girl

i dont really have anything to say about from bad to worse lol. she’s cute in it! the way she snatches the instructions immediately and pouts at everyone while doing so and the way she shoves everyone aside talking about how she should go first… So good. also she looks so fucking good with wings can we talk ab that maybe some time

gotcha is like Maybe perhaps my favourite out of all of these. and it’s probably because while a lot of these make me sad with the stuff they all imply about lsp and her insecurities, this one makes me SO happy. how she is at the beginning, how confident she is waltzing toward the treehouse talking about how finn won’t be able to resist her because of how beautiful she is, the way she makes the treehouse cozy for herself without anyone’s permission, her friendship with turtle princess sprinkled throughout the episode, the part with finn tucking her in, THE WHOLE PART WITH HIM SAVING HER SND THEN TELLING HER SHE DOESNT NEED TO BE PRETTY PHYSICALLY FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE HER. AHHHHHH . Good Episode. GOOD. Episode.

sorry for the tone change but as for those last three episodes i really dont have much to say like at all. absolutely all she is in them is a device used for a joke. WHICH IM FINE WITH. ADVENTURE TIME IS A KIDS SHOW AND AN OFTEN LIGHTHEARTED ONE AT THAT I DONT CARE. sorry this description really makes it seem like i dislike how she is in these eps. idk if you could tell but i fucking love lsp always. she could do the most heinous things and id defend her and adore her for it always. she has never done a single thing i dislike NOT an exagggerarion. at all. /srs there ill even say that if it makes you believe just how much i love her. space girl help me

[burning-sol]

oh yeah i forgor the terrible shit i came up w/ for char yesterday. wit fren. we did little generator prompts and then i completely brainrotted and suggested a bunch of story. cw for a cult, death, mention of substance abuse, yeah.

there's not a lot of specifics but basically the setting is a sort of rural town which has a an established cult that nobody really likes but presumably cant rlly do anything abt. my character has lived in the town all their life and basically THE main part of their story is that when they were younger, they were playing with their friend in the woods, and they came across this old well, but when they were playing they accidentally knocked their friend into the well and they DIED and my char was too scared to tell anyone abt it. people tried looking for the child but the specific place was so far out of the way that no one found the body, and the cult was already an established disliked group so they quickly blamed them for it, but couldnt do anything abt without any proof, and so my char was basically let off the hook but now they carry a terrible fucking guilt.

flashforward when they're older. they're having significant problems because they're frankly very sickly mentally ill, and struggling in their day to day. a recruiter from the cult comes around to do their shtick, and long story short my character gets pulled in. they get some free acommodations but they dont ENTIRELY trust the place, so they're still somewhat independent, but slowly their guard gets lowered and they start growing more dependent. they're basically being flooded w/ so much affection that they end up pretty deep in, and they've been emotionally constipated all their life, so they spill their guts to one of the members, and for once in their life they feel like there's a lot less weight bearing down on them.

PROBLEM. shortly after they hear stories from inside the cult that someone had tried to leave b4 but had been pretty blatantly blackmailed and forced to stay. and my char quickly realises. oh SHIT what am i gonna do? nothing bad has happened yet, so they dont act on anything yet, but they're WORRIED now. of course things eventually start going downhill, and they REALLY wanna leave, but oops you can see what's coming, they're being threatened w/ being exposed if they try which would obviously turn out BADLY. so when my character starts getting so SO desperate, they do the only thing they can think of and go back to the well. it is frankly very horrifying and traumatising when they descend into it and fish out the remains of their childhood friend, probably having panic attacks and being sick, but they know if they cant make this evidence disappear forever then they're going to be stuck in the cult.

BUT IT GETS WORSE, because after undergoing their horrifying ordeal, they return to find out someone TAPED them. so not only was that devastating effort all for nothing, now they're trapped for fucking ever. luckily that doesnt end up being the case but yeah you know. they spend the next however long being in complete utter misery as they're at the whims of this group who can expose them for their crime at any time. but tldr, the same person who recruited them vents to THEM abt shit they've been through. namely that they're an addict and while the cult had been providing them substances that's kept them placated until now, they'd abruptly decided to stop doing that. so now they're actually sober and reflecting on how shitty the whole situation is and how much soul destroying guilt they have knowing that they've basically destroyed so many other people's lives.

they're definitely not a good person, and yeah they pulled my character into the cult, but my character has hit rock bottom. my character is like "no, we DONT have to stay here. we can get out. but i need you to help me. please get the incriminating tape of me and we can leave together. i am desperate, i dont care what you've done, please jsut help me". and then they probably go through whatever it takes to get out and just leave. no, they probably dont help anyone else get out (tho maybe they do spark some hope in other ppl), but they're finally out of that shitty town. and they can live their own lives.

we came up with this all within probably an hour or less. so the fact it's basically a complete story is a bit surprising. usually i struggle w/ characters stories. i guess it helps that this is a pretty simple premise.

[nekomortiz]

Unfamiliar Reflection

[vapolis]

Jfc I just realized why I love your game so much. It's the "all ros are sketchy" that does it for me. Jk it's just one of the countless reasons.

But anyway I can't express how relieved I am that we can romance orla and jax while still... pretty much pissing them off all the time. I mean, I know it's a work in progress but let me just vent for a sec pls. Often I find in games that it's needed to have high relationship and while that obviously makes sense, I'm a fucking doormat. I want to always give the "best" answers because of my anxiety but that means I won't choose what I really want/feel like, if that makes sense. I'm practically a people pleaser... but in game. I'm scared of choosing an option that would lower my relationship with someone even by 1%. That's why I'm in love with rivalry/friendship system because there isn't just one way to romance someone (or have a platonic relstionship with) and it's just a fcking relief dcjopoyrembg

Anyway sorry for that, just wanted to add my 5 cents. Have a greay day/night!

hello! thank you so much for the long ask!! I agree with u and the entire having to please a character to hit a certain % and trigger romances. imo that gets pretty tiring, especially since it rarely reflects how u rlly want your mc to act. also the entire getting locked out of romances might make it more realistic since not every character vibes with the mc u want to play but on the other hand.. it's just a game, who wants realism anyway 😭🤚🏼

anyways, glad that you like the options I'm giving you, regardless of who you want to romance!! have a great day <3

[ii-headcanons]

Actually, for a long chunk of time. OJ was jealous and Bitter about how fast Paintbrush learned. OJ started skating since he was 7! He taught himself how to skate and he skated everyday he could. So OJ seeing PB cruise through what took OJ so much struggle to learn made him so angry. Why did i struggle then? Why is it so easy for them? His bitter attitude reflected in lessons as well. He was, just all around, a dick. He wouldnt help PB if they fell. He would skip right past PB’s achievements like they were nothing and be harsh when PB failed. He even purposely filled up his schedule so he’d have an excuse to skip a lesson. You can probably assume what this did to PB. They got super frustrated with themselves bc they didnt feel like they were doing good enough. When it was rlly OJ being a dickwad. This all came to a head where, a couple hours before one of OJ’s match, PB and Him had a short lesson. Paper- who likes to arrive really fucking early to events because he doesnt want to be late- came just in time to be the first outsider to see one of PB’s lessons! PB decided to take a break from their lesson and show off all the new shit they learned. Spinning and shit!! It was fine at first, but then Paper cheered. Paper cheered just as loud as he cheers for OJ and this was OJ’s breaking point. He was so angry and jealous he was holding back tears. OJ stormed off. He probably wouldve screamed if he was in there any longer. Paper, of course, notice OJ leave and followed him outside. To calm him.

They had a long conversation. Paper let OJ vent and OJ told paper all of his insecurities involving PB being. better. About his Trust issues and shit. After OJ had calmed down enough, Paper started explaining to OJ why he’s being a total dickwad and that he should stop. Saying That OJ should be happy PB wont have to go through the torment of having to teach themself. That PB wont make the same mistakes OJ made. He should be happy that PB hopefully wouldnt have the same insecurities involving skating. Also Paper reminded him that learning when youre 7 is a lot harder than learning when youre 27. And, Just to give OJ a little ego boost, That OJ should be proud PB is learning as fast as they are cause it means OJ is a good teacher. OJ agreed, he was being a total dickwad. And PB deserved an apology. An Apology OJ did give. Despite learning what PB did, they still remained excited as usual to continue their lessons. OJ was a lot nicer moving forward, he wasn’t perfect - he is still quite jealous, but he can hopefully move past that for PB. OJ even whittled a little messed up reward for how Far PB came. (yes, OJ whittles outside of the medieval au. shush) And due to OJ becoming less of a dick, PB got a lot more confident in their skill and showed off to the others. Which brought a happy tear to OJ’s eyes.

Opinions? -🦶anon

ACK I LOVE THIS-

I can totally imagine this happening! 🦶, you never fail to impress me :)

[woeismyhoe]

Honestly I feel like the best thing for Azula ( apart from Therapy) would have been to get a fresh start. I have seen alot where Zuko or Mai or Ty Lee or someone else from Team Avatar ends up reaching out to Azula being her friend supporting her etc. And I think that's probably more fun to read in fic because it's characters you already know. But if say I was writing canon ATLA comics and I wanted a happy ending for Azula I'd have her get away from this cast first. Azula had really toxic relationships with her 2 friends and brother.

And unlike say Zukos relationship to team Avatar it was a very intimate one. Those kind of feelings are hard to get over and even if they choose to forgive her feels she deserves love and acceptance the toxic memories of their relationship with her doesn't dissappear for them or for Azula. It can maybe affect them less in time but I think Azula deserves someone who can start new with her. That way she doesn't always have the context of who she was or a previously bad relationship hanging over her head.

The rest of team Avatar minus Zuko might be a bit better because they also had a less intimate relationship with her kinda like Zuko before he switched sides. But they were still Zukos friends first. Imagine if you had a brother you had a bad relationship with. And you know he's probably vented to his friend group about his issues with you. Sure you could still end up befriending a member of his friend group but its way more awkward.

I just feel like for Azula if her recovery comes with the help from her old friends, her brother, or her brothers friends its more of a uphill battle for her.

However if she were to say go away for a few years make a new set of friends that she has a good relationship with because she's in a better place (aka a less stressful life without her dad a new start) then I think she can come back and maybe connect or reconnect with some people from maybe team avatar or old friends or family.

If they aren't the only close relationships she has, and they come back into her life after she's had more time to get her bearings and reflect on life maybe accept herself more, then I think thats better for everyone including (and especially) Azula herself.

Aight anon, I’m just rlly surprised you got to write this long for this lmao new feature of tumblr??

But aight I see where you’re coming from. Technically it is considered unhealthy if those she hurt are the ones to help her heal... considering they need to heal themselves as well from the damage she caused. Going with your idea, she’d have to have her own literal arc and meet characters that can handle who she was (and is)... which means those characters must be really special to do that. I doubt Bryke will actually allow their main cast (especially Zuko) to be put at the sides though lmao but neat idea.

[ghostofcitrus]

another kinda vent-y post so feel free to ignore haha

so recently ive been thinking about my desire for community, and how every time i notice something that could be a trait of autism or smth of the like i immediately feel the need to ask other people if my experience or thought pattern or actions make sense. i dont feel like i can validate my own experiences as an autistic person, since i was late dx and dont have any type of friend group or community i feel a part of. whenever i notice a struggle, or find a way to describe something, i feel a mix of excitement and a need for someone else to say yes! this makes sense ! and since i’ve been working w my therapist since before my dx, she doesnt specialize in autism (she specializes in trauma and ptsd), i feel hesitant to bring those things up to her. i want other autistic people to validate my experiences, because i feel like i dont know enough to validate them myself. this also plays into my (long standing haha) desire for some sort of community. for example, any time a major holiday comes around for various religions or cultures, i feel this sense of admiration and jealousy, because i desire that sense of community.

i dont have a friend group, and even if i did i likely wouldnt really be able to bring things about autism up because the ppl im friendly with have little to no knowledge of that, and my desire isnt to educate, but to relate. and that’s something that’s important to me, but i unfortunately lack. like, not only do i want my experiences to be validated, i just want to talk to people about them without taking on a more “educational” standpoint. i love my partner, and my therapist is great, but whenever i have realizations(because ive been doing a lot of self reflection recently) they cant relate to it, and honestly them trying feels a bit dismissive, because they aren't autistic so i know they cant really relate to those experiences. my partner specifically gets this, so he doesnt try to relate, but understand. and that’s amazing, and perfect for our relationship, but i still want to be able to relate and share experiences are receive advice from other autistic people. i want friends who can really understand and stuff. because i dont really want to turn to making a long post on tumblr hoping for people to reply saying they understand and validate my experience. i do love when that happens, but it’s not exactly ideal or realistic to hope for strangers to happen across a long post, the read it, then relate and comment on it. 

ugh, i dont really know what i want or how i would get it. but having no one to really talk to about autism and stuff is not my favorite because i dont have a full understanding of myself, and its something im working towards but i dont really have anyone there to help me out with that. also i just think its normal to want to find people you relate to and talk about things like that. i want to share my experiences and have people relate, i dont want to feel weird or alone in my struggles or even good points, but right now i kinda do

well if you did read all of this, thank you. it does rlly mean a lot to me when ppl take the time to read all of these long posts, i know im not very good at making things concise haha

[fmdjaewonarchive]

► agree.

date(s): july 2020 - february 2021 mentions of: champion members, unity members (samsoo, yul & sunghee mentioned by name but like... blink and you’ll miss it)  word count: +/- 2.3k words (870w lyrics/660 words composition/740 words production) warnings: mentions of anxiety, panic attacks and car accidents details: full lyrics and full composition verification for agree, 3/3 verifications for jaewon’s upcoming album escapism. jaewon doesn’t only know how to write sad boi music, he also writes angry boi music, the only two emotions he’s ever experienced rlly. (a/n: i lost my braincells within the first 100 words and still haven’t retrieved them, read at your own discretion)

the song is born out of frustration, anger blocking up his throat to the point it feels hard to breathe.

it’s the kick-off point of champion’s world tour, a concept that has jaewon disgruntled enough as it is, snatching him away from unity and dropping him in the states like he is supposed to care about this group, like he doesn’t have better things to worry about.

but alas that’s beside his point, as much as he detests the idea behind champion, it’s not his main source of frustration.

traveling out to the states, that part is hell. now jaewon has never been a huge fan of traveling, suffering from a crippling fear of flying ever since predebut that somehow has not gotten any less severe with the sheer amount of flying all over the place unity has been doing. jaewon also absolutely hates airports, they’re too crowded, too hectic and far too stressful to not immediately put him in a godawful mood.

the cameras shoved right into his face both prior to departure and directly after arrival definitely didn't help.

comparatively, champion’s trip to the states this time hadn’t been that bad. jaewon just happens to be in an extra foul mood today but rationally, he has to admit that he’s seen far worse throughout the years.

but maybe that’s exactly the problem, how common these things have become, that getting pushed and pulled at while trying to get on flight was considered to be mild.

jaewon’s frustration isn’t solely aimed at an isolated instance, it’s at the ridiculous standard that’s been set for idols, the things they have to accept like they are normal.

normally he would call soo to complain about whatever was bothering him but with the time difference, jaewon knew his boyfriend was ought to be asleep at this hour and he definitely wasn’t waking him up for something this minor.

he even humors the thought of perhaps finding sunghee or yul to complain to but with most of champion out for the night doing whatever (admittedly, jaewon didn’t listen when they were making plans, he wasn’t gonna tag along anyway) that isn’t really in the cards either. perhaps that’s for the best, jaewon isn’t the biggest fan of actually talking to the younger unity members about what was on his mind.

either way, jaewon is stuck in a hotelroom by himself, no one around to really vent his frustration too so instead, he might just as well write it all down.

and that’s exactly what he does, settling down at the desk in his hotelroom, scribbling on a notepad randomly found laying around.

on the plane the person in the seat next to me that’s not my fan apparently buying info off the airplane company

it’s not entirely relevant to what happened at the airport earlier but jaewon feels angry all over just thinking about it. unity has had it’s fair share of experiences with saesangs, seemingly only increasing the more popular they keep getting. sure, that makes sense but it doesn’t mean it’s okay, contrary to what dimensions seem to believe with how easily the company brushes it off under the pretense of it just being another part of the job.

at the airplane lounge there’s a war between the 200 mm guns privacy, panic disorder, they barter with one another...

in the first place, jaewon’s main concern is unity, it always is. he’s willing to put up with a lot if it means the younger members are left off the hook. but he has to admit, since the panic attacks have started to become more prevalent, it’s a lot harder to take that stance. it’s hard to take care of others when he fails to take care of himself.

jaewon tries not to think about what that means for his position as a leader.

from early morning put on a mask and fight on in short, call it being a puppet...

jaewon knows he’s not an ideal idol, he’s never been and he never will be. maybe in retrospect, he would have done things differently but there is no use in considering those what-ifs now. there is, however, no denying that all of it is just a bigger struggle with him, it will never go as easily as with people who were made to stand in front of the camera’s. why shouldn’t he get to be open and honest about that? he’s not the perfect idol they want him to be, he will never fit that mold.

i know, that’s right that’s right that’s right that’s right that’s right that’s right i know that’s right that’s right that’s right

written out, the chorus feels a bit silly, but jaewon feels justified in his creative choices. not that the song is ever going to be used for anything, it’s just an attest to his frustration. jaewon knows he’s ought to sit down and silently accept whatever is expected of him.

it’s been years since he’s been his own person. these days, he’s dimensions’ property first and that of the general public second, there is no use in fighting that, no space for his voice.

so sure, whatever, he agrees, what else can he do?

---------------

jaewon forgets about the lyrics he’s written down after that.

in the moment there had been no intention to turn them into a full-fledged song, a haphazard combination of lyrics that in their raw form, probably held very little meaning, too much filler between the few parts that he did properly think through.

so jaewon forgets all about it before he even sets foot back in korea again. unity is busy enough, the release of neo zone lurking around the corner and with multiple schedules of his own, jaewon can’t even think about the song if he wants to.

it only comes drifting back into his consciousness at least a month of two having passed since champion’s american tour dates.

the day in itself isn’t anything special, if there is anything remarkable about it it’s the fact jaewon isn’t working for once. he’s just hanging around his and samsoo’s apartment, scrolling through whatever app on his phone keeps his attention for long enough.

until an article pops up.

it’s a news post about a rookie group he’s never heard of from a company he doesn’t know the name of, it has nothing to do with him, but he finds himself reading through it anyway. apparently, they got into an accident on their way home from schedules as they were being followed by saesangs. no one got injured and truly, it’s not the first time jaewon has read news like this but it does fill him with the same sense of anger as what he had experienced that first day in the states with champion.

because this type of news shouldn’t be common, for how long are people gonna pretend it is?

maybe he should finish that damn song.

wait does he even still have the lyrics?

jaewon vaguely remembers at the very least putting the sheet of paper in his backpack after the concert as he had been packing up to move to the next city of their tour but after that, he can’t say he recalls having seen it lay around.

he’s really ought to get more orderly with his drafts.

luckily for him, jaewon does find the sheet of paper, not in his bag but shoved in between the pages of a notebook and with the draft of his lyrics obtained he makes a beeline for his home studio. normally he’d do this stuff at the company headquarters but truly, that sounds like far too much work in the moment.

obviously, the song is meant to have an angry undertone to it, supposed to convey the same anger and frustration that swallowed jaewon whole as he had written the lyrics.

the deep, resonating boom of low brass sounds for the opening of the song are a no brainer, the sound gives a bombastic, ominous vibe, immediately setting the song off on the right note. it’s supposed to sound grande and honestly a little bit intimidating, a dark feeling creeping around the corners.

of course, the sound is far too theatrical to be underlaying to the entire song so jaewon alternates it with a deep, booming bassline, the brass only reappearing right before the chorus other than in the opening section as if to give off a warning. to fill up the verses and the parts in between, jaewon adds rumbling, deep drums in the background, making them feel less empty.

what really makes the song however is the rapidly-cycling electronic stuttering a rhythmic pattern across almost all parts of the song. it feels a little distracting at first before jaewon decides that really, that’s exactly what he’s going for. the melody feels just a little too fast, uncomfortably so and in a song reflecting so much stress and strain, that only feels fair, reflectives of the way his chest tightens up when he can’t breathe, when his hands tremble and his heart beats so fast it might as well make him sick.

jaewon thinks it conveys his frustrations pretty damn well.

---------------

it doesn’t seem in the books for the song to ever be released until the process of selecting songs for escapism comes along. while jaewon regains some of his creative freedom, most of it had been under dimensions terms, leaving it up to them to shape the album in a way they prefer over his creative vision.

until somewhere near the end of completing the track list, the head producer asks jaewon if he has any songs laying around that could fit in with the rest of the album.

‘agree’ is the first thing to come to mind.

the head producer seems to like the songs, enough to approve it at least and jaewon can’t help but feel a flare of pride. the producer seems intent on leaving the creative process in his hands, letting him handle the production.

it makes ‘agree’ the first song ever that’s entirely his own that he gets to release, it feels like a milestone to jaewon.

he does get a little list of suggestions, mainly pertaining to the lyrics. the producer leaves a few remarks here and there about where lines could be stronger, what he would do differently but all of it are very loose recommendations, jaewon isn’t actually under an obligation to do anything with them.

in the end, he does anyway, shuffles some lyrics around, dares to be a bit more assertive in his wording, right onto the border of what he would consider too gloat-y for himself. but the producer is right, it gets to pack a punch, it gets to be a little bit self-important. somehow having the external confirmation makes it easier to write those lyrics without feeling like a fraud. it’s still his, his writing, his song.

with the last tweaks done they’re quick to get to recording. they’re still on a time crunch as jaewon’s manager reminds him (jaewon likes the man well enough but dear lord would he never let him forget). it's one of the last songs on the album to be recorded after all and at this point, they are cutting it close.

with everything else he needs done, all jaewon has left to do is fine tune the song, the last tweaks and sounds to be added like missing puzzle pieces now he has the bigger picture pretty much laid out in front of him, polishing and detailing it to elevate the song worth of something to be released on an album.

the instrumental is already pretty hectic, fully intentional of course, but with a proper, clear recording it’s easier to spot the empty gaps, spaces to add the last finishing touches. he adds more brass, less grande and dramatic than the ones in the pre-chorus, curling around the edges of the chorus to round them up neatly and as if to scale down again for the verses, still fast paced but somewhat a breath of fresh air between one chorus and the other.

he delays the part at the opening before the brass and bass kick in, a silence before the storm feels even if the hyperactive stuttering beat is already there, he considers taking that out at first too but the point kind of is that it is more or less omnipresent, it’s always there even when there is nothing else much, like the anxiety that feels permanently stuck to his head.

there is also the addition of an extra melodic line, lingering behind that main, slightly headache inducing electronic synth. it doesn’t really stand out, especially not compared to it’s main competitor but it does remain prevalent in the few parts the main instrumental motif is nowhere to be found, giving it small moments to shine. it serves a clear function, or to jaewon listening ear at least (maybe he’s overanalyzing at this point). the little bounces of the electronic beat all over the place keep up the pace of the song, making sure its explosive nature prevails over the dark dreary undertones of the bassline and brass sections, giving it an overall dynamic feel.

it takes some fiddling, jaewon pulls something close to an all-nighter to finish up the song with the sheer amount of detail he ends up focussing on but by the time he sends it in, he has a good feeling about it at least.

when he presents the final product to the head producer, there are no more suggestions. it’s good, and it’s all his own work.

[yamikawas]

What's your favorite thing about Yoomtah? Pls vent to me, ily🥰

ITS 1:06 AM AND IF I WERENT SO MINDMELTINGLY SLEEPY I COULD JUST LIST OFF EVERY SINGLE DETAIL ABOUT HER..........GOD<3<3 and its not rlly venting at this point more like gushing hEHAHA hhhhhwwhhhwwhwhwwhw..i just............Her face like her cute bright eyes and her :3 mouth and the lil circles on her cheeks..............HHHHDHDHDD IM GONNA START LISTING STUFF NO MATTER HOW TIRED I AM I GUESS LOL <3<3her lil eyebrows with the lightning zigzag at the ends.........her nose so boopable..................god and her hair is rlly cute like it looks so soft anf flumfy and i wanna nuzzle my face into her hair...............HHHSHDHSJDDeberything abt her is so cute like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!did u see in that one scene of her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!the way she bounces around her laughs her hums her happy noises how she lights up how she lets off sparks the way she types the reflection of her face in the phone screen at the end EVERYTHIJG............EVERYHING IS SJUST SO CUTE MY GOD<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3SHES TOO SWEET IF I WERENT SO SLEEPY GOD ID BE GOIJG OFF ABT EVERY TINY DETAIL I CAN SPOT BC EVERYTHING ABT HER JUST BUILDS UP TO THE SHEER EMBODIMENT OF CUTENESS THAT IS YOOMTAH HERSELF.................HHHHHHHGOD I LOVE HER SO MUCH

[translightyagami]

Light!

My otp for them: 

oh u know i’m on the lawlight hook for life. it’s really hard to imagine Light having the same intensity of emotion for any other character, even Mikami or Takada, who are both the next in line as canon ppl he’d be good with (Takada is a lesbian/they r in a beard4beard relationship). L and Light just match each other in a way that makes them equal in cruelty, kindness, and cunning. the imbalance of those things is noticeable in other Light ships, and makes them less enjoyable to me.

My brotp for them: 

Light and his sister are always a fun pair, esp. when they’re written like real siblings who both needle at each other and love each other. it’s always always fun to see Light hv to deal with his large roommate Ryuk, who is a sounding board for all of Light’s worst decisions. 

Any other ships: 

like i said b4, Mikami or Takada are interesting and work a little better with Light since they’re both very smart and able to keep up with his thought process better than, say, Misa or Matsuda. not to say i don’t appreciate a good light/matsuda manipulation fic (one might say i’ve written one...). but i like light and mikami bc it explores how Light might act if his need to be obeyed and hv good convo r filled, but his need to be challenged isn’t. altho, lbr...i don’t think Light rlly knows he works best w a challenge...

Their best friend: 

does Light hv a best friend? does he want one? i guess the closest thing is ryuk, maybe, or even Sayu perhaps. i don’t think L was his best friend...L was something else entirely to Light, so i never rlly support or enjoy when ppl write off their relationship as a simple friendship. if ur going to no homo them, at least do something interesting.

My favorite nickname for them: 

oh i just call him Light. not rlly a ton of nicknames for him that aren’t grating lol.

My favorite AU of them: 

i love an AU where Light has to get a non-cop job and deal with the public. untethering him from law enforcement rlly allows for some self reflection on his shitty (at times) attitude since he doesn’t hv the inherent power of the state behind him. i also like AUs where he has a weird creative outlet, like model making, so there’s a place to vent the nerd freak he’s got hidden in his personality. 

My favorite outfit they wear: 

i think this shirt is so stupid and i love it.

Defining color: 

redddddd baybee

Would I date them: 

you know, at first i was like “Ha no fuckin’ way,” but then i thought abt it and i am a sucker for smart Pisces and like...Light’s rlly charming and such. i’m sure i’d date him before eventually getting my heart broken, unfortunately ;___;

First impression: 

loved him so much that 13 yr old me drew Light Yagami p much every day in my notebooks and talked abt how he was the best and all that.

Current impression: 

he’s trans and gay and flawed, but you just don’t have many protagonists written as complexly and well as he is written. i appreciate him much more now from a craft standpoint, and less from a personal and emotional standpoint. still my favorite tho, and i’ll unfollow ppl who complain or shit on him. sorry man. i just like...hv control over my online experience.

Hogwarts House: 

gryffindor. like, literally one of the few other fictional characters who has this big of a black and white moral compass is the big ass gryffindor himself, Harry Potter. 

Which Pokemon starter they’d be:

fuck. uhhhhhh. kirby.

[anderffels]

my thoughts about tlou2 under a read more bc they are mostly negative lol

ok i really need to vent somewhere and here is the place lmao 

ironicaly, i’m going to start with abby bc i think it is, somehow, the easiest part to talk about. i’m going to keep this story and narrative-wise but i have to say that playing as her became fun. the way she contrasts with ellie’s gameplay is awesome and kudos to the character designers bc she is damn intimidating in a way female antagonists NEVER get to be. now, to the narrative. i actually grew to like her story bc, surprise, hers is the only narrative in the damn game that gets to have character development. she is the only one ‘seeking the light’. i felt kind of bad that i liked her parts more than ellie’s until i realized this, because how can i not latch onto the only bit of hope this game has to offer? abby and lev’s rship is that. (though i do think it is a bit of a mess how they could not be sure who they were trying to paralel abby off of? like we get it she is like joel bc hate and disillusionment consumed her until she found small child to take care of but wait she is also like ellie bc she has two close friends one of whom she loves who are having a child!! oops!!! pregnant ladies squared!!! also i only get pedantic about medical stuff if i’m really bitter but hey, i am so, wtf was up with dina’s pregnancy lmao that is not how pregnancy works ANYWAY)

meanwhile, ellie’s arc is absolutely bleak. every moment of happiness and warmth we get from the flashbacks is tainted with the cruelty we know is coming. i have been thinking that my problems with the game were bc i loved joel and couldn’t really get over his death but i love ellie too. even if i cared nothing for joel, ellie gets no real development? she is traumatized in a brutal way and there is no... real closure there? if i’m being benevolent i would say the most she gets is finally accepting what joel did for her, and learning to embrace the life he has given her but SHE WAS ALREADY PREPARED TO TAKE THAT ROAD. which is why that last scene with joel is awful, and not only in an utterly heartbreaking way, but in how meaningless everything that happened was. 

like how is this the best way to tell this story!! unles ofc all we want is character death as shock value and another trite story about the circle of violence bc we clearly need another videogame to tell us that instead of a follow up to the story that told us that “you keep finding reasons to survive” and “all we’ve been through, it can’t be for nothing”. why would you take that story from the first game and warp it into this??? it could have been so much more. why did we need so much misery to tell us what we knew all along? that ellie has a gentle heart and the violence of this world they live in will do its best to break her but she won’t? (this is something that rlly bothers me a lot bc i saw someone say that tlou1 had no real message about violence and ??? what was that scene with david lmao. but sure. sure.)

but no. joel was butchered and the only reason was that the writers couldn’t find an interesting way to keep the story going and as much as they keep saying “the story was about ellie all along” they mistreated her so badly and caused her to suffer for this new narrative of hopelessness and loss that she ALREADY KNEW. she already suffered a lot of losses in her life. all those gifsets with joel’s quote from the first game about how she did not know what loss was, like she only knows now???!!! she already knew what loss was. she had overcome it. she was in the process of overcoming survivor’s guilt and the game took all the progress she had made, not only during tlou but during the years between games, and put it back to square one and completely ignored the doubts that plagued here now about what joel had done, how her life should have mattered. i’ve read some people say that a lot of criticism of this game is bc we just wanted a repeat of the first one but at least what i wanted was the events of the ending of the game to MATTER. to REFLECT on ellie’s character in a way that she could grow from.   

(and don’t get me started on tommy OH MY GOD. he was all for returning to jackson and then you’re telling me he would change his mind so radically as to pressure ellie into RISKING HER LIFE, letting revenge consume him to the point where he breaks it off with maria???? TOMMY. TOMMY WHO NEVER EVEN WANTED REVENGE FOR JOEL IN THE FIRST PLACE BC IT WOULD RISK TOO MUCH, WHO NEVER THOUGHT VIOLENCE WAS THE ANSWER OH MY GOD

i was ready for this game to make me cry, to touch something deep within that the first one had. i got that feeling during the prologue where joel sings the song and plays the guitar. the rest were only the tears lol. i expect it will win a lot of awards but this is not good storytelling. making a climax that will stay with the players is NOT hard if all you do is pile tragedy upon tragedy and pain upon pain, and that is all that that final confrontation is, with abby’s story akwardly placed in the middle like hey! are we ready for some conflicting point of views?!! you’d better!!!. but there’s no resolution. no closure. ellie gets to keep the ptsd and the nightmares and whatever but ofc that’s not something that we want to dwell on right.

[mjalti]

i’m the anon who sent the no hope for humanity ask n i woke up to see the small mess i made oof. anyway i’m gonna apologize for venting and sending u that ask bc it wasn’t rlly appropriate for ur inbox and more appropriate for like, my diary asdfghjkl. i’m sorry 😔

i appreciate you reflecting! thanks :) but i will also say..it isnt a mess. it’s people who hate-follow me and look for reasons to pick me apart & when they get the opportunity they just take it. you just cant fix losers. have a great day!