#note to self do not consume caffeine again

[that-foul-legacy-lover]

Play fighting with Moth baby, but he let's us win every time <3

he just wants you to have fun, and if you're happy, he's happy!!

as revenge for Childe's impromptu sparring sessions, you've started suddenly tackling Foul Legacy, carefully of course. he doesn't fall- he usually doesn't even stumble- but he always chirps in surprise, catching and allowing you to clamber up his shoulders, wings fluttering all the while with amusement and delight. you gnaw on his shoulder, teeth lightly clacking against the armor, and Legacy gasps and pretends to swoon, lowering you both to the ground. you promptly lunge, rolling around on the soft grass and laughing so hard your stomach starts to hurt. Legacy pokes and prods you gingerly, not wanting to actually hurt you, playfully scratching your back with the tips of his claws

Legacy flops over with a dramatic chitter, pressing a hand to his forehead. you win, you win! he feigns fainting, cracking his crystalline eye back open as he listens to your stifled chuckling and lifting his arm, urging you to curl up beside him. his talons fiddle with the tips of your hair, purring and crooning softly in a language you don't understand. there's nothing and no one more precious than you, he's decided, running his claws gently up and down your arm to help you catch your breath. you're both a bit dusty from playfighting, your clothes mussed and his armor with a few smudges. but you just laugh again, bumping your head against his and earning a joyful chirp as he promptly nuzzles you back in his absolute favorite way, with his absolute favorite person ever

[intrepidacious]

❤️ a good time!

tat!bucky’s favorite (or least favorite) thing about twelve

… why not both?

cause and effect

chapter summary: How Bucky fell in love with Twelve: Slowly, and then all at once.

pairing: bucky barnes x time witch!reader

word count: 1.8k

warnings: light angst and negative self talk (this is bucky y'all); some light pining 🤭please note that my blog is rated 18+. minors dni. ageless/empty blogs will be blocked without warning.

a/n: i've literally had this one in my drafts for about two years and i hadn't actually planned on posting it for a while yet but i did promise distractions. and i missed him. i always do.

this is part of the time after time universe but can be read as a teaser and/or a standalone 💚

Bucky’s relationship with time has been fractured ever since a cold day in January that stole away the life he was headed towards and turned him into the monster underneath a child’s bed.

It’s hard to feel good about the concept of time travel once a lot of your own time has been taken away from you. Even now, there’s only so many things in his life he has control over; like the fact that he’s actively choosing to go back to therapy now, or that he’s able to keep a pet for the first time since he was thirteen years old. Stupid little things, like what kind of food he wants for lunch or whether he should take the stairs or the elevator.

Every single one of these things he’s fought for tooth and nail, clawing his way out of the past and carving out his own space in reality again, struggling, trying, hanging on like he wasn’t able to all those decades ago.

He’s probably still failing.

Some days, clinging to the present is tense and brings him nothing but grief. Sometimes, it feels like he’s going to have to mourn the past forever, whatever might have been; and maybe that’s his sentence.

He wouldn’t have wished it on anyone. He deserves worse.

And then there’s you.

Flickering in and out of time, constantly moving, changing in the time it takes him to blink.

It’s infuriating to him, the way you get to use your powers. The way you don’t need to think about consequences, because they don’t have to be permanent, don’t have to be something you need to live with for the rest of your life. To you, time has always been something that can be changed with a single snap of your fingers. Whatever you do can just as easily be undone.

Once you decide you’ve seen enough, you can just take the scene from the top.

And you’re so stubborn.

You’ve already seen how this goes on if you let it, and so you’re always right, end of story. There’s an ease to your steps because of it, a nonchalance in every movement, and it makes Bucky’s blood boil to see it so plainly.

With all the good that you could do, you choose to do nothing instead; to stay out of the picture entirely and burn through your powers just because you can, wasting them all on things that don’t mean anything.

How many lives could you potentially save?

Instead, you consume disturbing amounts of caffeine and then continue to provide running commentary to the world around you based on things that, to him, never happen at all. "Do this", "don’t do that", "take the other one", or, his absolute favorite, "don’t make me fix that".

Why not? he wants to ask, say, demand. Why not fix all of it?

It takes a while for him to realize that all of your fire means you’re burning from both ends. In fact, it takes Becca.

"You should bring her by sometime," she tells him on a rainy afternoon. "While I’m still alive and kicking."

His little sister just turned ninety-eight. Her kitchen sideboard is filled with black-and-white pictures reminding him of all the things in her life that he missed, arranged in perfect little wooden frames.

"And why would I do that?" Bucky asks, scowling at his cards.

"Because you keep mentioning her," Rebecca says dryly and whisks the cards onto her pile with quick fingers.

"You gotta be kidding me," he groans, noting down her points. "And I don’t."

"Do, too. I don’t remember you being this terrible at this game."

"Because I haven’t caught you when you’re cheating."

"Exactly. It’s embarrassing." She wins the next trick, too. "How’s Tuesday?"

"Am I clairvoyant now?"

"I was thinking lunch."

"No." Finally, he gets a couple of points down. When he glances up at his sister again, she’s looking at him expectantly and he sighs. "What?"

"You can’t fault me for being curious," she says. She has just as many opinions as she did when she was sixteen. Her eyes are still the same, too, the same shade of blue as his and the same glimmer of archness as their mother.

"Don’t you think it’s weird?" Bucky says, finally giving in. "The whole … time thing?"

"I think it’s very weird, but so’s you returning from the dead and kvetching about it." Her eyes narrow when he starts to protest. His mouth closes again. "Besides," she continues, shuffling her hand around, "it doesn’t sound all that fun."

"To have the power to never make mistakes?"

"To have to live through every mistake twice without anyone knowing."

Something about her words strikes him like a match, and so he tilts his head and squints at her and thinks that maybe, just maybe, he’s got it wrong.

That you carry not only your past, but all the futures you’ve seen that never came to be; all the what ifs having turned into answers.

And he thinks, how nice. And then he thinks, how horrifying.

It’s a thought that follows him over the next couple of weeks, and it starts reframing your interactions for him, in a way.

"Will you stop staring at me," you say without looking up from your book.

Honestly, he can’t. He’s still trying to pick up on it, the split second between before and after, that little change of your posture, your hair, your face, that tells him more time has passed for you than it has for him.

It’s more of a feeling than anything else, something right at the back of his mind telling him that something is different if he concentrates on it enough, but he’s never sure what it is. And he doesn’t like that; not one bit.

So Bucky crosses his arms and leans back. "Why?"

A flash of irritation makes your nose twitch, even though you still refuse to meet his eye.

"It’s rude, for one."

"Noted." He waits for the two that never comes. "Anything else?"

And there it is. A blink-and-you-miss-it kind of moment, like the air shifting around you ever so slightly, a certain knowing glint in your eyes when you roll them and get up.

"Annoying!"

He can’t help it. He wonders what your original answer was.

***

Bucky’s relationship with time changes slowly, the deepest cuts carefully mending themselves until looking back doesn’t feel like getting his bones ripped apart anymore, until he looks at you on a cold day in January and realizes he’s fucked.

At first, he hopes that it might be a fluke. A trick of the light, maybe, or seasonal allergies. That’s the reason why his eyes are drawn to your face as soon as he enters a room; the closest source of discomfort always the thing he seeks out first. That’s the reason why his chest constricts like that.

But the truth is, he knows this feeling has been building slowly; he’s just been unwilling to admit it.

Something soft and delicate has started to nestle in that gaping hole inside his chest, unbothered by the walls he’s so carefully built up.

He’d never planned on you.

Fuck, if he’d known in the beginning, he might’ve …

No, he thinks. He wouldn’t have changed anything.

Because you’re too good for him, anyway, and he knows it. Smart and strong and funny and gorgeous and capable of things he’s not sure he’ll ever fully comprehend; and it’s worse than that, because he knows you now.

You’re grouchy in the mornings and you make terrible jokes when you’re nervous and you have a strange feud with his cat and your smile makes him want to put his fist through the wall because what is he supposed to do with any of this?

He’s not made for this dance anymore. That part was taken from him so long ago, and he’s delusional to think that anything or anyone could return it to him after all the bridges he’d been made to cross and burn. Why would someone like him deserve to be given tenderness anymore in this life? Why would anyone want to try?

But that foolish thing blooming inside him feels a lot like hope, despite of what he keeps telling himself.

There’s just something about you that keeps pulling him in, and honestly, he’s tired of fighting it. Then again, the thought of you feeling the same is nothing short of ridiculous.

He’s not the same guy as he used to be. Hell, sometimes he’ll look at old photographs and barely recognize himself.

He remembers life before, and maybe that’s what makes this so hard. He remembers talking to pretty girls, their bright smiles, their soft skin underneath his hands. Good times were easy to come by, even though life was hard in a different way, then. But he was good at it; acting on his feelings alone used to be simple, fun, second-nature almost.

It’s different now.

It used to be different only once before, and look where that’s gotten him.

No, he can’t say anything. Not ever; or not yet, at any rate.

Sometimes, though, Bucky lies awake at night and listens to the rain knocking against his window, and he remembers how much easier falling asleep used to be when he had someone next to him and his mattress didn’t swallow him alive.

He’ll remember the dark circles under your eyes and wish it could be as easy as asking, too. He wonders if there’s a universe you remember where he tries, but he doubts it.

These days, he knows his mind again. And it’s not a burden he wants to share.

You have enough to carry on your own.

Maybe, he thinks as he stares up at the ceiling at three in the morning, maybe there’s still a certain comfort in your powers, in knowing all the possibilities, but it also means constantly losing something that’s real; always mourning the life that isn’t.

He can relate to that.

And maybe that means you can relate to him, too, at least a little bit.

It’s odd, how comforting that last little thought is to him.

When he does eventually fall asleep, you make your way into his dreams, too, sometimes. Those times are the worst.

You’re you, and he’s him, and there’s a sort of "us" in the both of you that doesn’t exist in real life. So when you let him lace his fingers with yours and press your lips to his forehead and it feels easy, that’s usually the point when he wakes up, heart tumbling over itself, right hand tracing the ghost of your touch, always too much, never enough.

He knows it’s not real.

He knows it’s just an indulgence; selfish, really.

The problem is that whatever small hope has decided to settle in his very core is impossible to kill, no matter how much he pushes it down; and he’s not sure he wants to lose it again.

Secretly, silently, serendipitously, you make him have faith in the future again.

But it’s not time for it yet.

if you want to read more about these two (plus a lot of time related shenanigans), read the main series here. or check out the rest of my bucky fics, that's also an option 💚 i don't do tag lists but you can follow @intrepidacious-fics for update notifications

[lingerina]

⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀𝓛𝐄𝐆 𝐂𝐔𝓡𝐋𝐒 ／ park jihyo

➛ g!p jihyo x fem!reader ➛ 2.8k words ➛ smut ➛ public setting, spanking, squirting, creampie, praise ➛ part of SWEAT&TEARS. ➛ you thought going early meant you would be the only one there. you thought wrong.

4:30 A.M.

It might be insane to willingly be at the gym at this hour, half-asleep and dreaming of being in bed again.

But here you are, dumbbells in hand while staring at your reflection in the massive mirrors, wondering how you were able to do this before.

Once upon a time, you were an avid gym goer who was on top of her nutrition (and honoring her cravings) and an inspiration to her friends for maintaining a well-balanced lifestyle.

After getting laid off, you had all the time in the world to work harder. To cook for yourself, for your friends who were heavily reliant on takeout, and to dedicate more time to the gym. You didn’t think you’d get back into the workforce so quickly but you did, and this job was going to consume much of your time and energy.

Just cooking right after work was exhausting for you. The few days that you intended to take a break from the gym became a week.

Then, it became two weeks.

Three weeks.

Three months.

If it weren’t for incompetent management, you would’ve been able to manage your work-life balance already. You wouldn’t turn to freezer meals and fast food for sustenance. You wouldn’t have to rely on caffeine to get you through the day. It took some mild threats and a long, colorful discussion with the directors to hire more people but now that the new hires have been trained and settled, you could focus on getting your life back on track.

The avid gym goer is still in you somewhere. She just needs to be lured out again, and what better way to make a comeback at the gym than to resume your journey at an all-women’s gym that just opened down the block last month?

Having a safe space accessible to you is enough encouragement for you to pick up your gear again and return to the active life you once knew. You had to reason with yourself to get up this early and you were fortunate enough to still have some level of self-discipline to do so.

While you don’t mind working out with other women, you would much prefer to be alone. Not only is the crack of dawn the only time you have to fit in your workouts, but it’s also when it’s not crowded. You hoped you would have the gym all to yourself until you walked in and discovered one other soul on the premises.

You weren’t in the mood to interact or be perceived so early in the morning but upon making eye contact with you, she beamed and greeted you with a quick wave. Of course you had to wave back, even with how obviously dead you looked. It would be rude to ignore a pretty woman, and you weren’t that rude.

At least until you realized how often you were sparing a her a glance (specifically at her behind) while you were warming up on the treadmill. That was disrespectful.

You shake your head and assume an exaggerated wide stance, your feet planted a fair distance apart. You adjust them while observing yourself in the mirror to ensure that you won’t strain your hips. When your legs are wide enough to feel the burn but not a straining pain, you hold both dumbbells in front of you at waist level. Your eyes close, your head lowers, and you drop down into a front squat. 

You steadily drive back up while squeezing your core and proceed with the next several reps of sumo squats, unaware of the only pair of eyes in the building skimming over you.

Jihyo is no longer performing her routine. Her headphones are now sitting around her neck, and she’s more focused on the glorious view in front of her than on finishing her workout.

It’s not like she’s never seen a woman squatting before. She has.

Dozens of times.

And it gets her rock-hard every time.

She notes that today must be leg and glutes day for you due to the various squats you’ve done, and how you barely targeted any other part of your body. It’s a blessing (and a curse) for her since it’s been a week since she last got some action. That may not be long but as someone who has a decent roster of friends (and patrons) with benefits, a week without pussy is far too long.

And she’s not going to let this opportunity slip up.

She approaches you when you pause for a water break, forgetting that just because other people are up at the same time as her doesn’t mean they have the same energy as she does. “Hi!”

You crane your neck to look at her as you hydrate and greet her with a small nod. “Hello.”

“I don’t think I’ve seen you before. Are you new?”

You nod. “I am.”

She clasps her hands with a grin. “How lovely! Welcome aboard. I’m Jihyo. Do you need any assistance or guidance?”

With pursed lips and a second to think, you slowly shake your head. “No thank you. I appreciate it though.”

She nods. “Let me know if you do. I’ll be happy to help!”

You’re lying face down on the leg curl machine, your mind slowly polluted by the images you didn’t think you’d see.

With how courteous Jihyo is with extending a helping hand, you had asked her to spot you at the squat rack. As you were performing your barbell squats, you didn’t miss her intent gaze on your behind as you were going down. You didn’t miss the way she licked and bit her lip. How shameless and disrespectful she was with staring, in comparison to the polite gesture of her hands only hovering over your hips. 

Not touching you at all.

What had really seared into the back of your mind was the view that you came eye level with when you bent down to pick up your water bottle: the massive tent in her joggers.

Jihyo’s boner has occupied your mind since then. You have been laying still for the past five minutes wondering just how big she is, how friendly she has been, and how innocent her intentions may (or may not) be. You’re not one to stare and ponder the strangers around you, but she caught your eye the very second you set foot into this gym and she now dominates your thoughts and fantasies.

It’s sorely obvious that you made her horny, and now you’re aching because the effect is reciprocated.

“What’s the matter?”

Your heart nearly leaps out of your chest when Jihyo’s voice snaps you out of your trance. You turn your head and, once again, come face-to-face with her pelvis. She’s standing too close to you. So close that you can make out the outline of her erection through her black joggers.

Face heated. Core clenching. 

You let your head drop back down, your grip on the side handles tightening at the thought of this woman taking care of you in.. other ways. “Nothing. Just resting.”

“Oh?” She chuckles. “But you were doing very well.”

“I just need a little rest,” you whine.

A light smack on your rear surprises you, but her laughter insists that this is all in good nature. “Don’t slack off now.”

Another smack, and now you’re the one laughing. “I’m not. I promise!”

The empty gym reverberates with laughter and squealing. 

You don’t recall when, but it quickly echoes with solid thwacks as her playful smacks have progressed to full-on spanking. You’re no longer giggling. You’re gasping, moaning, and tensing up with each slap that targets your sore ass. Jihyo’s playful jabs have morphed into something darker and more threatening.

It’s exactly what your pussy is aching for.

Being in a lust-filled haze, you don’t budge when your leggings are yanked down. Its compression and tight fit takes your panties down with it, and both garments sit at your ankles, exposing all the intimate parts of you to her–and whoever will stumble through the doors.

As much as you want to be ruined by an insanely attractive woman at this very moment, you’re still in a public place. It would be shameful to be banned on the very first day.

“W-Wait,” you pant as you grab her wrist. “What if someone comes in?”

“They won’t.”

“Doesn’t the manager come in early?”

You’re confused by her hearty laugh.

“Oh darling,” she coos, her fingertips tenderly tracing your slick folds and spreading your arousal. “I’m the manager, and I’ll make sure no one else gets to see you like this.”

Your mouth falls open in a silent moan as two of her fingers dip inside you. 

They shove deeper in the second time. Deep enough for her knuckles to graze your hole. You were always keen on being spanked and manhandled, and she is proving just how drenched it can get you. 

The squelches of her fingers being suctioned by your aching walls fill the silence. It should be embarrassing to be turned on by so little, but you barely feel any shame. You barely feel the shame of dripping all over the padded surface, dirtying the machine with your juices as Jihyo fucks you with her fingers. You barely feel the shame of allowing the manager to ruin you like this.

And she doesn’t feel an ounce of it either.

“Such a pretty thing,” she mutters, her slow but calculated thrusts doing a splendid job at making you feel full somehow. “It would be a shame to not get a taste.”

Much to your dismay, she withdraws her fingers and leaves you clenching around nothing. “On your back.”

The machine offers little real estate for you to move significantly but with your raging hormones and a rush of adrenaline, you manage to do as told. Jihyo wastes no second getting down, spreading you open, and flattening her tongue on your slit.

The immediate touch of heat on skin is all that you need after months without action. She knows how to use her mouth, just like how you know where to grab to stay balanced as she eats you out. You didn’t think you’d ever find yourself in this exact position again at another gym, but you’re glad you do—and with someone attentive.

Your eyes roll back as her fingers fill you up again. You clutch tighter on the edge of your seat as your engorged clit gets catered to by her mouth, the sharp tugs between her teeth creating even more tension in your limbs. You don’t feel the burn of your core clenching from holding onto the machine, but you’re guaranteed to feel it later when it’s all over and you’re left yearning for more.

The lethal combination of her fingers buried in your cunt and her mouth spelling out filth on your clit is enough to rush you to your brink. You arch your back, colorful words threaded through breathy moans and pitched cries as her deep and steady thrusts work their way up in momentum. 

The lewd squelching of her knuckles brushing over your slit is deafening. It reminds you of the strength that you lack. The strength of keeping your head straight and not falling into the palms of a pretty woman. You don’t think your wet pussy can be any louder until she’s working quicker through you. For a stranger, she knows how to navigate your body a little too well.

“Fuck,” you pant, your grip on the sides of the seat squeezing tighter.

Jihyo replaces her mouth with her thumb on your clit, and you fall apart. She watches your drenched cunt cream her digits and make a massive mess on the seat. Your release streams down the surface and puddles to the floor, and the filthy view only makes her cock swell more.

She has waited long enough.

You fall limp when she removes her fingers. With your head spinning, you intend to recuperate from the ecstasy. Not a minute later, however, is your peace compromised when a massive intrusion slides inside you, prying your slick walls open and earning a loud cry from you.

You scramble to look down and find Jihyo’s cock stuffed inside you. You peer up at her with wide eyes, gulping at the smirk on her face. She slowly pulls out.

Agonizingly slowly.

You discover just how big she is before she drives it back into you. You fall back with a moan, once again reduced to a mess as your body is at her mercy. 

Your tits, confined in a low-impact sports bra, are squeezed together by her hands before she yanks the garment down to free them. Though she’s still and snug inside you, pleasure continues to surge through your limbs as she sucks on your nipple. Lips clasped and teeth nipping at the sensitive peak, she suckles and pulls and gets you flowing even more.

“Please,” you exhale. “Please move. Please!”

She chuckles and releases your nipple with an obscene pop. “Since you asked so nicely.”

Very nicely.

Nice enough for her to prop your legs over her shoulders, bend you in half (unearthing the flexibility you didn’t know you had), and fuck you.

Her pace varies between quick and mildly painful, to slow and deep and intoxicating. Your pain threshold can carry you through the phase of her drilling your aching cunt. When she suddenly slows down and her thrusts are drawn out, the brunt of the pleasure hits you.

“You’re doing so well for me, baby,” she coos.

Another thrust, and she grunts. “Just a little more. Feels good, doesn’t it?”

She fucks the words out of you. What you intend to say is disrupted by the lewd noises that leave your lips. You muster a stiff nod to acknowledge her and she responds by leaning forward, forcing your thighs up to your chest, and picking up her pace.

She’s so deep inside you with this new angle. You were going to bruise and stagger for days to come, but you can only focus on how this woman’s strict fitness regime is showing in the unforgiving momentum of her hips and her effortless grip to keep you balanced, Since you barely had a breather from your previous orgasm, you’re quickly driven to that brink.

As your eyes roll back and your body arches, Jihyo smirks. She digs her fingertips into the softness of your thighs, panting as she drills you. “Go ahead, baby. Come for me.”

The machine is slick with your overflowing arousal. With how hard she’s fucking you and how much you’re dripping, the obscene squelches of her cock pounding your poor cunt echoes through the empty facility. If you weren’t so lost in lust, you would feel embarrassed about dirtying the equipment.

“Oh, fuck!,” you cry out, thighs trembling violently as you gush all over her.

The force of your release pushes her out, allowing all the room you need to spatter and spill all over the seat. She vigorously strokes your engorged clit while pumping her pulsing cock as she is just as close. She drains you of all you have before sliding back inside you with ease, courtesy of your ample wetness.

“God, yes,” she hisses as your slick walls immediately tense around her.

Your thighs lock around her neck from the sensitivity as you’re subjected to her endurance. Her persistence. Your stamina is nowhere near hers, and you wonder just how quick it’ll take for her to break you.

To destroy you.

Loud moans erupt from both of you as she bottoms out, stretching you with her girth and filling you with her load. She weaves a tight embrace on your thighs, draws out, then pistons back into you, pushing her cum deeper inside you. Your hips lift just slightly from her hold on your legs, and the feeling of her dick buried inside you is now burned into your memory.

You were going to crave it more than ever.

When she pulls out of you, you lay lifelessly on the machine.

Sweaty, ruined, and filthy.

Jihyo, on the other hand, has already straightened herself up. You assume she’s about to tell you to hurry up and clean the equipment before people start coming in. Instead, she lowers to your eye level and strokes your hair.

“You did so well, pretty girl,” she praises with a grin. “Go hop in the shower. I’ll clean up for you.”

“Really?”

She nods. “Let me know if you ever need assistance with your… workout.”

You giggle, and proceed to slide off the dirtied seat. You feel the impact of Jihyo’s strength now that you’re on your feet, and it’s even worse as you amble to the shower. 

If you’re feeling this now, you’re certainly not ready for the full soreness tomorrow.

[the-s1lly-corner]

Slenderman and Laughing Jack x reader who sleeps a lot

Call this the sleepy corner the way I keep snoozing (I truly genuinely do not like how much I sleep)

Notes: reader is GN, based off of admins experiences yet again, reader is not explicitly stated to have any sleep disorders however it can be seen as such

CWs: none

SLENDERMAN

mentioned it in the self care post but hes not 100% sure whats normal and whats not but he does notice when youre sleeping for more than half the day for... a few days in a row

keeps a close eye on you to see if theres any other running themes and anything that may be making it worse

love the headcanon that he can kind of "sense" when theres something going on with you, so at least if there IS something afoot going on inside of you, subtly urges you to seek out assistance

will "ban" you from consuming in anything that may make the problem worse (caffeine or just stimulants in general), and by ban hes probably going to stash them somewhere out of sight for the time being

WILL keep you inside and at home if youre too tired to function or to go do... anything really- drive, work, and so on. hes not going to let there be any chance for you to get hurt or worse

takes care of the household chores until you both find a way to boost your energy

keeps you on a tight sleep schedule, as well

he doesnt need to sleep so if hes already caught up on what needs to be done, hes simply..

going to watch you to see if theres anything going on in your sleep that may be causing this

LAUGHING JACK

at first he was really into it because you would let him cuddle and snuggle with you! and thats always nice! and its not like he doesnt WANT to do that with you anymore

but youre hardly ever awake and jacks starting to feel lonely- and he feels even worse when he finds out you dont WANT to be so tired all the time

does his best to help you try to find a solution- fixing your sleep schedule, finding what makes sleeping more... better quality for you... as well as generally trying to make small changes in your life

he cant do much given that he is confined to your home for the most part, he cant exactly come with you outside unless you carry him around in his box...

very good at keeping you awake until its time to go to sleep! hes also like a breathing weighted blanket sooooo.... cuddling is back on the table!

keeps you home/from driving if he feels youre too tired to get in the car, will 1000% call into your place of work pretending to be you and say you're sick or something..

a little heart broken that youre turning down the treats he offers you- limiting caffeine intake and such

your loudest supporter if/when you go try to get yourself evaluated for something

[prettyboykatsuki]

ari reviews monster flavors because they self-medicate with caffeine more often then they really should  (part 3!)

consumer notes: i've been doing this so long i've actually been medicated for adhd in this time. i still need my once daily Drank though.

part one | part two

viking berry - wowww christening the new blog with a new flavor... how exciting. actually, this should be the new blue flavor they released in the ultra line but i didnt get to review it last time so i'll have to try it again. anyway excited for this one!! this is part of their juice collection, so the can has no embossing but a lot of fun art rather. and i do like the art! it's viking themed so it reminds me a lot of vinland saga, and the incorporation of the pinkish-purple is a nice touch. it reminds me a little of their pacific punch packaging, albeit lass tacky. it also has a pink tab!!!! i love seeing the colored tabs over the plain black ones, it's such a nice detail but it really bring the whole thing together. taste-wise, this one is REALLY distinct. it has a very overt berry flavor. it has notes of blackberry to me and maybe some currant as well? it's hard to describe, but it's very good. not too sweet- so will appeal to you if you find the more muted flavors or find the other juice flavors too sugary. i quite like this one!! its really complex. reminds me of picking mullberries off of the trees that grew them in my neighborhood under the summer sun while my hands would get all sticky but in the best way. 9.4/10!

[cookies-are-nice]

Catalyst

Content : OC self insert, day out with hinata and emma

Author's note: the romance is in the upcoming chapters so if you wanna skip the story and go straight to the mikey x Sachiko part, go to chapter 6

Chapter 2 : Danger

-ˋˏ ❀* ‧₊˚* ੈ‧₊*❈꧁🥀꧂❈ * ੈ‧₊ *₊°❀ ˎˊ-

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEE-* *slap*

"Aghh."

Sachiko yawns as she lazily gets out of bed. She slips into her bunny slippers and wobbles to her bathroom. She brushes her teeth with half-lidded eyes and takes a shower. Not feeling any different in energy from yesterday, the girl does what a normal 14-year-old would do, she chugs down a whole cup of coffee.

*Sigh* "Much better,"

Finally waking up from her drowsy state, Sachiko gets ready to go out. She yelled to notify Takemichi about her leave, but heard no reply. She figured he was still asleep and went out. Aside from her horrible sleep schedule, she was quite excited and happy today. Why? Well because she was going to have an outing with her best friends: Emma and Hinata!

When the sleep-deprived girl reached the mall, she looked around and realised they were late...again. She let out a sigh of disappointment and went to a cafe where she is a regular and ordered a cup of coffee. Despite the insane amount of caffeine she had consumed today, Rose fell asleep in the cafe.

Her dream was strange, one would even say it felt nostalgic. She dreamt of a slender male figure with white hair styled in a stepped haircut just above the shoulders, embracing a woman with beautiful long hair dressed in a trailing lilac dress ; the pair was under a sakura tree, the pink and gentle petals flowing down, littering the ground on which the duo was standing. After a few moments, the woman pulled away to look the man in his eyes, hinting to have something more than just a hug. The man seemed to understand her wants and leaned in for a kiss.

From the corner of her eye, Sachiko noticed a revolver being cocked.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?" She called out the man on his actions in an attempt to stop him, but she exclamation went unnoticed by the person.

Instead, that caused the attacker to raise up the weapon, aiming it directly at the girl's head. Sachiko yelled desperately for the assailant to stop, only to be ignored as if she was only visiting a memory. She averted her attention back onto the couple, hoping they could dodge the bullet(pun not intended). Just as their lips grazed, the gun was fired.

The woman's body went limp and the blood from the gunshot in her head started to trickle down her face. Just then, Sachiko caught a glimpse of the name badge she was wearing.

<Is t-that->

Rose suddenly shot up from her chair, startled by the nightmare. Then, the disoriented teenager was surprised by a touch on her shoulder. She jerked her head around and saw familiar faces.

"EMMA, HINATA!"

"SACHIKO WE WERE LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU AND YOU WERE HERE SLEEPING ALL ALONG?!" Emma exclaimed.

"JEEZ NOT LIKE I WAS THE ONE WHO CAME LATE"

"KEEP IT DOWN! WE'RE STILL IN A CAFE WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU TWO" Hinata whisper shouted.

"OK fine sorry"

"Do you have any idea what time it is right now?!"

"what"

"2:00 pm"

Sachiko was shocked to hear this seeing that she arrived at 1:15 pm.

"Damn I slept for 45 minutes." The girl stated as she scoffed at her terrifying ability to fall into rem sleep that easily.

"Hinata calculator mode, what time did Rose get here?"

"You can't do 60-45?"

"shut up."

They laughed and exited the cafe.

"Let the fun begin~"

The girls went from shop to shop, collecting bags left and right ; from cosmetic stores to grocery stores, they didn't care where they were, they just wanted to splurge on whatever they laid their eyes upon. By the end of the day, the 3 of them were almost buried in shopping bags.

"Welp im spent."

"help."

Emma and Sachiko turned around to see Hinata dying with at least 4 bags on each of her limbs. They rushed to help their friend despite the bags they were already carrying. Sachiko hurriedly ran to a glossy black car with tinted windows. She knocked on the window and the door unlocked almost instantly. She threw the bags she had inside the car and called out to Hinata and Emma to do the same. The girls sighed with relief as they put down the last bag of random stuff they bought. When Hinata came back to her senses, she asked:

"Rose, whose car is this?"

"I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE OMG WHOSE CAR IS THIS"

"Mine idiot"

They looked at her in shock. Was their friend a billionaire all along?

"Well, it's my dads' but-"

"PHEW!"

"PHEW!" Hina and Emma exclaimed in sync, confusing Sachiko.

"WHAT?!"

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE INVOLVED IN SOME MAFIA FAMILY OR SOMETHING!"

"I THOUGHT SHE HAD A SUGER DADDY!"

"EXCUSE ME???"

She got up and hit both her friends for jumping to conclusions like that.

"ok ok, enough joking around. How are y'all gonna go home?"

"I'm walking."

"Me too."

"Are y'all sure? It's almost night, you shouldn't be walking out in the streets."

The girls nodded in sync to assure their friend.

"Alright, please stay safe!"

They bid their goodbyes and went their separate ways. By some miracle, Sachiko managed to find a seat in the pile of bags.

"Your dad's car?" The driver of the car asked with sarcasm.

"You try coming up with a better excuse" She bit back. "Don't go home yet, follow them."

The driver obeyed her words without hesitation despite her only being 15 years old, almost as if she was the daughter of some kind of mafia boss. Well, maybe she was. (😶💅💅)

‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊* ੈ✩‧₊˚*✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩*

"That was so fun!!!"

"Yea, we bought sooooo much stuff!!!"

The two girls laughed out loud. Little did they know, there were thugs right around the corner, waiting for some girls to take advantage of. As the girls turned the corner, 2 drunk-looking men with dirty clothes appeared in front of them.

"Where are you girls going this late?"

"U-uh we're going home for dinner." Emma hesitantly said.

"Surely you wouldn't mind hanging out with us a little longer wouldn't you?" Despite already declining their invitation, the men insisted on it.

Wanting to get out of this situation quickly, Hinata explained firmly, "No thank sirs, we really have to go."

As they turned to leave, one of them grabbed Hinata's wrist.

"Ah too bad you're going to have to miss dinner~"

The man pulled Hinata close to him.

"LET GO OF HER!" Emma cried out, trying to stop the man from hurting her friend.

Emma grabbed onto the man's forearm, attempting to stop his assault on her friend. But alas, it was no use, the man pushed Emma off him and she fell to the ground. Hinata turned her face away and closed her eyes, praying for someone to come save her.

"She said no you assholes."

They all turned their heads toward the voice. They saw a figure with a feminine build wearing a black mask; the piercing look in her electric purple eyes was spine-chilling.

"What are you gonna do little girl? "

The person walked toward them nonchalantly, which confused the men. She stopped right before the man who was holding Hinata's wrist and delivered a punch to his jaw, breaking it. The sound of his bones cracking was enough to scare off his friend who tried to run away. But the figure quickly chased after him and tripped him.

"PLEASE! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" the man begged for mercy, fearing for his life.

"Why should I listen to you, you certainly didn't listen to those girls you were about to harass."

Her cold tone in her voice sent chills down Hinata's and Emma's spines.

"I-I'LL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! I SWEAR!"

The figure seemed to pause for a moment, before grabbing his collar.

"run."

As she let go of his collar, the man desperately ran away. Hinata and Emma could only freeze in place as the figure walked towards them.

"You girls alright?"

"I-uhm yea! Yea, we are! " Emma responded quickly.

"You girls better hurry home, it's dangerous this late out" the unknown person advised.

"We will!"

The figure gave them a nod and took off. Emma and Hinata stood there in disbelief at what just happened.

"Hinata?"

"Y-yea?"

"w-was that THE『Rose of Tokyo』???!!!"

"IT WAS!!!"

"OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE MET HER!!!"

"SHE'S SO COOL??!???!?"

"HER EYES ARE PURPLE OMG!?!"

"NO CAUSE HER VOICE WAS SO OMG!!!"

"SHE'S SO STRONG TOO!!!"

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!"

The two girls having forgotten they were almost harassed, were fangirling over their 'saviour'.

This is so cringe, I advise yall to skip to chapter 6, not much happens in the early chapters that is important to the plot.

[luckybugsdiary]

CURRENT STATE OF UNION April 2025

In

Studying smart (summaries and flashcards)

Writing super specific essays

Tea because I am consuming way too much caffeine right now and need to balance it out

Running! I love running so much it's the best stress relief and it is a FUN workout. I mean an hour or two of moving forward while listening to my favourite music? I love it.

Also being about to do push ups is so in. It's so cool to FEEL strong.

Daily Check Ins! Tracking thoughts, moods, goals, manifestations.

Joan Didion Energy: she is the moment and whom I want to embody as I prepare for my next quarter of life. Observe. Reflect. Carry a notebook EVERYWHERE.

Skin and Hair TLC. There is something so satisfying and magical about making a ritual of taking care of yourself.

Related to studying is just the overall romanticizing of academia. I'm less than a month out before the semester is over. Just over romanticize it to make it through!

Vision planning: I'm entering my 25th birthday soon! And In response I think it's important to reflect on the last 25 years and then see what I'd like to accomplish in the next 25. But that's also hella hefty so maybe just the next 5 years!

Alice in Wonderland: a spring essential

Once Upon a Time - an excellent tv show that's been so fun to rewatch. Nostalgic and comforting and magical.

Fresh produce - spring is coming so bring in all the produce

Pomegranate scented things!! So sweet and fresh! I love it so much.

The Belle lotion from bath and body works.

The Hunger Games: it's resurgence is healing something in me truly!

Y2K aesthetic; it's so nostalgic and I love it.

Long rambling walks in the sunshine.

Sticker books (why did these ever go out of style?)

Personal inventories of things that make you happy and feel alive.

Books that feel like summer.

Rereading favourite series

Physical media of all sorts (CDs, DVDs, video games, books)

Out

Snow. It's spring let's get rid of this fluffy white powder everywhere I need green grass.

Dry, unmoisturized skin! In fact the hair, the soul and the body all need different types of moisturization.

Taking on too much. It's ok to say no.

Letting insecurities dictate self-perception – solutions exist, but confidence is the foundation

Knee injuries. These are so out. Proper Strength Training and warm ups and cool downs. I refuse to let myself get injured again. I crave running too much for another injury.

On that note—ignoring Knee Injuries is also out. Take it easy and work the way up to a healthy knee. It's not cool to hurt yourself and keep hurting yourself.

Overthinking past mistakes – analyze, learn, and move on.

Burning out by studying too much

AI for creative pursuits (this will always be out)

Staying up too late when you know you need to get up early

Napping in the middle of the day to avoid responsibilities (whoops...)

[solarwonux]

Business Proposal || knj (1/?)

pairing: namjoon x f!reader || ex friends to lovers!au friends to lovers!au

Genre: fluff, angst, smut, slow burn, fwb!au, non idol!au, unrequited love

Warnings: slow burn, angst, namjoon is pretty much not the nicest dude lol (will add more as it progresses), kinda sugar daddy au but not really. It will make sense I promise.

Rating: mature, 18+

w.c: 7.9k

Synopsis: Namjoon is living on borrowed time, and it’s time to cash in. His father is months from taking his last breathe and his life long dream is to watch his oldest son say “I do”

m. list || next

Taehyung’s house had a certain vibe to it.

A certain–je ne sais quoi–if you will.

The young artist had easels stacked against every wall. Some finished with his own creations and some waiting patiently for the young artists’ random bursts of inspiration. Everywhere you looked there was something in relation to his God given talent. Old paint brushes above the kitchen sink drying. Paint palettes disguising themselves as coasters. If you opened any drawer in his house you’d find all sorts of paints organized by brand or color scheme.

It was a mess. An organized mess, in which you could easily navigate yourself through. A huge juxtaposition to Namjoon’s almost soulless apartment. Yet, if you knew the artist long enough you’d know that his apartment screamed Kim Taehyung, renowned, self-made artist. A charming man like no other. Who loved throwing parties just as much as he loved getting lost in his art.

A party for every occasion. And tonight’s party was an innocent friendship anniversary between you Jimin and Taehyung. Fifteen years strong, thirty percent of fifty and just as important according to Taehyung himself.

The only reason Namjoon had known about it was through the Facebook invite he had received from the party crazed menace himself. The only other reason he even knew Taehyung in the first place was through his younger step brother–Jungkook. And the only reason Jungkook came to know Taehyung was through the girl he copied his history notes from all sophomore year of college–you.

Everything always came back to you, and your ability to always be there. It’s why Namjoon decided to put a tiny pause in his research on the Metaphysics and Epistemology in some of his favorite Korean Artists’ work. Not like he could focus on it anyway. His parents were starting to get impatient, breathing down his neck, wondering when he would finally leave his life as a very eligible bachelor and settle down.

It’s not like he didn’t try to find someone. The problem was that he did. He tried everything. Blind dates, dating apps, even went out to the club a few times foolishly thinking he’d find his next wife. Everything ended in a failure which was why he was here, looking for you, and a promise made long ago. One he had agreed to.

Truthfully he had forgotten all about it until recently when he was laying down on his bed, surrounded by his navy sheets, wide awake because he had drank too much coffee. Five cups, the same amount the two of you had consumed that afternoon in the old coffee shop located just in between his apartment and your parents house.

As if on autopilot his body jolted awake again, eyes shooting wide as the memory came flooding in.

“If we aren’t married in ten years time, let’s just marry each other.” You suggested; like it was the greatest idea ever. Your hands were shaking from all the caffeine you had consumed and your eyes were red rimmed and wide from all the crying you had done. It matched his own as well.

A part of him hates that he had agreed to it, but could you blame him? He was distraught over the fact that his girlfriend of four years had blindsided him with the whole “It’s not you, it’s me,” speech; and a nice chocolate cake to soften the blow. That did anything but that, and instead he had cried until he had to meet up with you for your weekly tutoring session.

It’s where he noticed your red rimmed eyes and the watery snot coming down your nose. He didn’t ask about it, just offered you a piece of his break up cake and a listening ear when you were ready. It wasn’t until the third college algebra problem he had you doing that you broke down, and told him everything. From the moment you laid eyes on your ex. To the moment you realized you loved him and to the final heartbreaking seconds when you found him cheating on you with his calculus professor.

It was a wild revelation, one that had you spewing things out of disparity. Including the cliche marriage pact.

In truth, Namjoon wouldn’t have given it a second thought when he finally remembered that afternoon. He would’ve pushed it to the back of his head like he had for years and tried a different dating app. But just like that afternoon, he was desperate. This time for a different reason.

He was running out of time, especially after the last conversation he had with his father. His future and livelihood were on the line. Including the large sum of money and the prestigious job at his Alma Mater as the head Philosophy professor.

Now, sitting on Taehyung’s paint splattered leather couch. He hopes you remember. It’s been years since he’s last seen you. You still look the same, pretty enough to be passable but plain. There’s nothing exciting about you. Even now that he’s watching you from across the room in a short lavender dress, with white leather knee high boots. Your hair is shorter, up to your shoulders and a different color from your natural one. Your arms and chest glitter due to the body glitter you had lathered on.

Even though you sparkle underneath Taehyung’s dim lights. To Namjoon you’re still dull, lacking excitement compared to all the women he’s met in his life. Sure, he sounds like an asshole but he couldn’t deny the truth. It’s one of the reasons why he never found you attractive and also because you were Jungkook’s best friend; and Namjoon knows that there’s a rule out there which states that a brother’s best friend is strictly off limits.

He should’ve felt at least a little bit bad about your confession to him all those years ago. For a while he couldn’t get the heartbroken look on your face out of his head when he told you he didn’t feel the same. Only to be quickly replaced by anger for all the accusations you so wrongly threw at him.

Namjoon didn’t lead you on. You had read too much into things. He was nice to you because he saw you as a little sister. Not a potential partner.

Pretty ironic because now he’s hoping the joking pact made between the two of you was serious. Otherwise, accepting Taehyung’s invitation would’ve been useless.

He didn’t necessarily need a wife. Only a placeholder for a wife until further notice. To buy him enough time and get his parents off his back. He’s so desperate that he’s considering pulling out all the stops. Money, a house, and the job of your dreams.

Anything to get you to agree.

Now, all he needs to do is hope for the best, while simultaneously expecting the worst. From the small snippets of stories he hears Jungkook tell his mom. You’re still a little similar to what he remembers. Just a tiny bit more confident and outgoing. That much he could’ve figured out on his own, especially now that he’s been studying you from across the room. It should be easy enough to convince you; but of course that’s only if Namjoon lived in a perfect world.

Unfortunately he doesn’t and time is ticking and your friend–Jimin–hasn’t left your side all night. You’re on your third drink, your eyes are slightly dropping with intoxication. And with the way you keep laughing at whatever the other man keeps whispering in your ear, he assumes you’re well on your way to pure drunkeness. It makes the hold he has on his glass tighten. With A fiery hot spark coursing through his body the more you cling onto Jimin.

Namjoon isn’t aware of your relationship status. Selfishly he hopes you’re single so things run more smoothly. And seeing you make doe eyes at someone else in front of him makes him a little bit angry.

Only because he wants to avoid the drama at all costs. He values the peaceful quiet, and to be honest he doesn’t have the patience to deal with someone else’s jealousy. Fighting over women was so high school and he has better things to do than that. But he’s also stubborn and once his mind is set on something he will knock down anyone in the way.

He’s confident that by the end of the night–that’s if he gets you alone–he will leave Taehyung’s cliche artists looking humble abode with you as his fiance.

Well…Fake fiance.

The moment Namjoon stood up to use the bathroom he knew he had made a mistake. Not only was his spot on the couch taken by one of Taehyung’s artist friend; but he had broken the seal and you and that Jimin guy were nowhere to be found.

This was the third time he had to use the bathroom in the past thirty minutes. He hopes his bladder is empty enough to last him an hour or so. But Namjoon has been in this game for far too long and he knows that once the seal was broken there was no going back.

“Took you long enough.”

Namjoon’s eyes meet yours just as he’s a foot out of Taehyung’s guest bathroom. The hand he had hovering above the light switch falls down to his side. A knowing smirk makes its way onto your lips, while you push yourself off the far wall.

He’s at a loss for words because sure he’s been waiting to get you alone all night. Yet, now that he has, you’ve caught him completely off guard. What’s worse is that you’ve caught him off guard in the most vulnerable place known to mankind.

The bathroom.

“Are you going to just stand there or are you going to move?” The indifference lingering in your voice brings him back down to the moment at hand. He blinks a few times to regain his focus and soon enough he’s looking down at you.

You’re standing inches away from him. Close enough to smell your perfume. A scent he remembers so clearly, yet it’s slightly different because it has mingled with another one. A more masculine one. He assumes he knows who the culprit of such intrusion is, a certain individual with a crescent laugh and pillowy lips; but he chooses not to focus on that. Right now he has a chance. A gateway to a forbidden conversation and his only opportunity to just get it over with.

Namjoon mumbles a short apology while stepping to the side giving you enough room to walk in, barely grazing each other. He doesn’t get a chance to actually think his actions through before his body is responding on autopilot. Next thing he knows he’s stepping in behind you, closing the door behind him and locking it.

Your turn around, eyes full of surprise. Namjoon needs fight the smirk threatening to break across his face. You’re the one caught off guard now, in the bathroom and it gives him some sort of twisted sense of satisfaction.

Ha.

“If you weren’t done using the bathroom you could’ve just s–.”

“We need to talk.” He brushes you off, waving a hand around almost as if he were pushing your words out of the way to make room for his.

You sigh, rolling your eyes in annoyance. If it wasn’t for the few drinks you’ve already had and the taxing conversation you just finished having with Jimin about the state of your relationship–If you could even call it that. You would've fought against Namjoon. Then again he was the least of your worries, you assume he wants to talk about your past, ask how you’ve been. All that jazz. So, why not play into it?

Right?

“Fine, I mean there are other places in which we can talk. Tae’s house is pretty big.” You shrug, taking a seat on the closed toilet seat, crossing your arms in front of you. Waiting for him to start reminiscing about your past.

When he doesn’t, you take matters into your own hands. “So, how have you b–”

“I don’t have time for that.” Namjoon interrupts and you have to force all of the anger currently bubbling up inside of you, down. “I have a proposal for you.” He finishes, walking closer and leaning his right hip against the bathroom counter.

You squint your eyes suspiciously while looking up at him. They always say curiosity killed the cat and maybe that’s what it will do to you in the end but you urge him to continue. Slightly interested in what he has to say.

“We need to get married.” He says softly like it literally pains him to be saying those exact words out loud. Suddenly while the words are vanishing into the air between the two of you, the bathroom starts to feel hollow. He continues, “We made a pact that if we weren’t married by thirty, we’d just marry each other. You’re almost thirty and I have been thirty for a while, so, let’s just do it…wait, I mean we don’t actually have to go through with it just pretend for a while, just long enough to convince my parents an–”

Namjoon stops his not so smooth ramble. Confused is an understatement. He’s downright baffled watching you double over in laughter. A sound that used to bring a bright smile to his face. Now, as it bounces off the four walls of Taehyung’s tiny guest bathroom he can’t help but cringe.

“You c-can’t be s-serious,” You say, hand against your chest trying to calm yourself down. When you do, a snarky smirk threatens to appear on your face.

With a tilt of your head you say “How much have you had to drink?”

Namjoon scoffs. Sure he’s had a bit to drink but not enough to be drunk. Tipsy maybe, but not drunk. “Three whiskeys,” he replies, rolling his eyes.

You tongue your cheek nodding your head. “Explains why you’re out here saying utter bullshit.”

To keep himself from bursting out in anger he grips the counter with most of his strength. “I’m not drunk. I never get drunk off whiskey.”

You chuckle, giving him a side glance. “Sure you don’t. All those times you snuck into my room at three in the morning because you had too much whiskey were because you weren’t drunk.” The sarcasm laced in your voice annoys him the most.

Okay there were times in which he would have too much to drink and always ended up crashing at your place. Sneaking out before your parents woke up, but those were special circumstances. His taxi app only had your address saved for when he had to call one for you whenever you and Jungkook drank at his place. It was too much of a hassle to save his own, especially because the only time he remembered to save it was when he was drunk.

Defeated, he replies, “Whatever that’s not important, I’m serious when I say that we need to get married.” He hopes he sounds as convincing as he perceives. Though, the look on your face says otherwise. You’re confused and probably a little more upset than he can tell.

A dry laugh escapes you and you stand up shaking your head. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re planning but you’re a lot smarter than this. Considering the way we parted ways and haven’t talked in years because of it, what makes you think I would agree to this?” You stand in front of him, almost sizing him up, burning your gaze into his.

“Just hear me out okay.” He puts his hands out, making space between the two of you. You raise your eyebrows in amusement and wait for him to continue. “My parents are breathing down my neck asking me when I’ll finally settle, in which I have no desire to do so anytime soon. But my dad’s health is getting worse and he says that if I don’t get married he will make sure I’m left jobless and out of the will.” He finishes, breathing out an exasperated sigh. He feels so out of breath, almost like he just finished running a marathon; but maybe that’s just because he’s awkwardly close to you.

There’s a slight pause before you’re bursting out laughing again, holding onto your stomach as you double over. Namjoon can feel the annoyance he had done so well at keeping down, threatening to leave him disguised in fiery hot words he’s kept hidden for a long time. He always hated having serious conversations with you. You never took shit seriously, it's one of the reasons why he would never see you as someone he’d be interested in romantically. More so because you’re so dramatic in every sense of the word and he has no idea how he put up with it for so long.

“Are you done?” He takes his hands out of his pockets running them multiple times through his hair before crossing his arms in front of him.

You wipe a fake tear away from the corner of your eye and straighten up. “Yeah, I’m done and the answer is no.” You roll your eyes turning to face the door. This was the icing of the cake. Not only was he adding to the long list of problems you already had, but he’s making your night worse than it already was.

Jimin and you had been secretly–not so secretly–seeing each other for a while now, in ways two childhood friends should never be seeing each other. Spending nights tangled up in each other under pale ivory sheets, and days acting like nothing was wrong. When in reality everything was wrong. It was inevitable that someone was going to start seeing the other as more than a friend. The only problem was that you had always assumed it’d be you and not him. That he’d finally be the one to break through the cold ice caging your heart in when Namjoon inexplicably broke it.

In which the latter was now playing some cruel joke on you. All you wanted to do was to go home. Escape underneath your warm sheets, and avoid the world as much as you were allowed too. Even if Jungkook had let you know ahead of time that his darling step brother was going to make an appearance. It had not prepared you for this.

Namjoon’s eyes go wide and he won’t lie, he's panicking now. “But we promised.”

“Yes Namjoon, we did. But we were young, stupid and heartbroken.” You cross your arms staring directly into his eyes. “Maybe if we were still friends my answer would be different, but we aren’t. So, my answer is no.”

“And whose fault is that?”

“Yours Namjoon. You broke every promise you made me and you expect me to just waltz back into your arms and share a life with you?” You say ludicrously.

Namjoon pinches the bridge of his nose, letting out a frustrated sigh, “Look, let's set aside our differences–”

You let out a humorless laugh, cutting him off. “You’re a smart man Namjoon, but this is literally the dumbest thing I have ever heard you say.”

Namjoon has to fight every fiber in his being to not stomp his foot on the ground like a child. He’s now realizing you aren’t the same person that he used to call best friend. You’re even more stubborn than before and kind of a bitch.

“What if I can convince you?”  

“How? Are you going to take me out on a date?” You exclaim, standing up and walking towards him. “The answer is no, I’m the wine and dine type, and I’ve heard that you’re not.” You reach your hand past his body and take hold of the doorknob. You’re only able to unlock it because as soon as you try to open it, Namjoon is leaning his entire body against the door. Arms splayed out like a cactus blocking every possible way out.

“A job, I can offer you a job.” He rushes out through labored breaths, like this entire situation is causing him to lose the ability to breathe. Maybe it is. Maybe he’s forgotten how impossible you could be. Or maybe he hates the way you’re looking at him like he’s now worth your time.

The boredom on your face is replaced with intrigue. Like he’s said the magic words and now has you under his spell. It disgusts him because ever since he could remember people have only flocked to him out of personal gain. You used to be someone who made sure he was more than just his brains, looks and money. Yet, you’re standing in front of him ready to listen because now you can take from him too.

“My department is looking for a new rhetoric professor, the job is yours if you agree to this.” He finishes, watching your face light up with joy to then shut down immediately as soon as you realize the undisclosed requirement for the job.

You scoff, shaking your head. It’s tempting, it’s your dream job. As much as you want to agree. You know that working in the same vicinity as him will do more harm than good. Plus nepotism isn’t always a good look.

“No,” You say firmly pushing your side body into his to scoot him out of the way. It’s unsuccessful, he’s as still as a stone pillar and you hate that you can tell how firm he’s gotten over the years. Jungkook often told you about his gym sessions with Namjoon every other day. Now, you see that it’s not just Jungkook who’s been benefiting from them.

“I’ll pay off half of your student loans along with the job, and you can have one of the house's dad owns” He tries, sounding more hopeful than you have ever heard him sound.

Again, it’s tempting but again that would make you tied to him longer than you would like. So, this time you push against him with all the strength you can muster making him stumble as your answer. You open the door slightly and squeeze yourself out, leaving him hanging.

Namjoon is in the air and he panics, he rushes out behind you matching your sped up steps. He grabs your hand pulling you into Taehyung’s bedroom, closing the door behind him and blocking it with his body.

“God, you are so fucking annoying Namjoon. I said no, why can’t you understand that?” You whisper yell, running a hand through your hair.

“Because I need you.” He says matching your tone, sighing and relaxing against the door. “I’m supposed to have brunch with my parents on Sunday, please just think about it.” He begs, clasping his hands in front of him.

It’s the first time you see him like this, and it’s selfish of you to admit that it feels good. His entire future relies on you and only you. Maybe you will give in, but seeing him suffer a little longer feels to good, especially when you know you’re his last option.

“If you don’t show up, I’ll drop it but the job is still yours, your essay and resume were impressive.” He finishes and exits the bedroom, leaving you behind with one more thing to add to your ongoing list.

One thing is for sure.

You’re in a big mess.

Sleep didn’t come to you all night. The minute you left Namjoon behind in Taehyung’s bedroom you had left without saying goodbye to anyone. Jungkook had followed you out and walked you home without uttering a single word the entire time. Instead, he tried his best to match your heated steps. He even stayed over, taking his rightful spot on your living room couch.

He made you coffee in the morning and a small breakfast before walking to the flower shop together for your morning shifts. The silence between the two of you lasted almost an hour until he finally broke and the questions came flooding out.

You had to give him credit he was persistent. He kept going on about it, annoying both you and Yoongi. If it wasn’t for the latter threatening both of your jobs you would’ve taken the events that took place the night before to the grave.

“I think you should do it.” The flower shop owner says, shrugging his shoulders.

“No, that’s stupid, why would she want to deal with that bullshit?” Jungkook exclaims. Yoongi brushes him off, rolling his eyes. Both of them have been arguing in front of you like you didn’t exist, while you finished the last order of flower bouquets for the night. An order placed for Yoongi but instead he was sitting on the counter, reading a GQ magazine while Jungkook paced back and forth with his apron hanging from his arm.

“Well she’s single and getting a good deal out of it so why not?” He shrugs, flipping to a new page, rubbing his chin.

“She has Jimin, things are strange now but they’ll figure it out.” Jungkook is almost hopeful. Though, he was protective of you and had a few choice words to share after he caught you and Jimin together. He still preferred him over his arrogant step brother. Especially when it came to you. Jungkook had witnessed first hand what he had done to you.

“From what I’ve heard, she doesn’t have Jimin.”

You sigh, cutting the end of a rose before placing it with the rest of the flowers. “I am still here you know, does my opinion not matter?” You press your palms into the marble counter. They had been going back and forth for nearly an hour like the issue was theirs. Shutting you down whenever you wanted to get your word in and you were fed up. You had nearly ten hours to decide whether to go to Sunday brunch or not.

Even if you didn’t end up going, Namjoon had texted you that he needed to know your decision on the job by tomorrow morning. So, you were currently battling two problems at once, in which you haven’t heard any helpful advice from your best friend or coworker.

“I mean of course it does, but as much as I love him he’s an asshole who only cares about money Bunny.” Jungkook pouts, flinging his apron onto the counter and leaning against it. Yoongi sighs and closes the magazine, setting it to the side.

“Yes Kook but this is my dream job. If I have to deal with him to get to where I want to be then I will.” You sigh, running a hand through your hair, giving up on the bouquet and shoving the materials in Yoongi’s direction. Indirectly telling him it was his turn now.

Yoongi hops off the counter and walks behind you. “She’s right, our little genius deserves to do bigger and better things with that brain of hers. And I agree with her but also if he’s willing to be your sugar daddy why not?” He shrugs, grabbing the clippers and a daisy, expertly cutting the end of the stem off.

You roll your eyes, “first of all he will not be my sugar daddy and second of all I haven’t agreed to that part of the deal, just maybe the job.” You shrug, untying your apron and placing it on the coat rack behind you.

“But you want to agree to it.” Yoongi chuckles before Jungkook can get a word in. Sometimes you hate how well Yoongi can understand you in all aspects of your life. He’s only been in it for a few years and he’s able to tell you exactly what you’re thinking and articulates it way better than you. In all honesty it scares you a bit.

“Am I crazy for considering it?”

“Yes,”

“No,”

They say at the same time making you groan in frustration. The shop had closed and here the three of you were having an extensive conversation about your unfortunate personal life. When all you wanted to do was go home and eat a nice bowl of cereal on your bed.

Jungkook sends a glare in Yoongi’s direction, grabbing hold of your shoulders gently. “You know I love you and I will support you in anything you do, but this is a little crazy. And before you ask me if I trust you the answer is yes I do. But I don’t trust him. I don’t trust him to keep his distance like I know you will. He will lead you on again and then we'll be back to square one.” He squeezes your shoulders before bringing his hands down to his sides.

“Jungkook she’s not dumb, I’m sure whatever she decides to do it’s because she knows what she’s getting into.” Yoongi adds on, tying up the bouquet before handing it off to you. “For your fake mother in law.” He winks.

“What?” You say taking it from his hands.

“Namjoon requested it this morning, I just put it off because I don’t like him.” He shrugs, bringing a slight smile to your face. The flower shop might as well be named the ‘Anti Namjoon Club’ instead of ‘Euphoria’ for the amount of times Jungkook ranted about his step brother to the two of you at all hours of the day.

It's unfortunate that part of you made a decision the minute you left Namjoon alone in Taehyung’s bedroom. And it’s unfortunate that you only truly considered their opinions to justify your already made decision.

Jungkook gives you a slight smile before walking past you, shoulders dropping in defeat because he knows you’ve decided. “You better be ready by the time I come pick you up. Mom takes Sunday brunch a little too seriously so if we are a minute late she will have my head on a stake.”

Is the last thing Jungkook says before disappearing behind the curtain towards the back. You turn to Yoongi, tilting your head to the side pouting lightly.

“Don’t look at me like that, you big baby. You’re a big girl you know what you’re getting into but because Jungkook can’t completely hate his brother. If he does anything to hurt you I’ll hate him for the two of you.” He sends you a wink, clicking his tongue before turning to the cash register.

You whine, stomping your foot on the ground before mumbling “My life sucks,” which only makes Yoongi laugh.

“At some point everyones does.”

You’re nervous.

You haven’t been this nervous since you decided to intern at a preschool right after graduation.

Kids are intimidating  and although Jungkook’s parents aren’t, the situation at hand feels like it. Especially when they think you’re attending Sunday brunch because Jungkook finally managed to convince you.

Not because you’re about to conspire against them for purely selfish reasons.

Despite their wealth and social status, Mr. Kim and Mrs. Jeon are the kindest people you’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. They always went out of their way to make you feel like you’re part of the family. It got to the point that you would split holidays with them and your family, as they always made it a point to get you something for Christmas, your birthday or Lunar New Year.

So, it feels wrong to be helping out Mrs. Jeon and the family maid—Lia in the kitchen. It feels wrong to be laughing at the petty arguments Jungkook is having with his father in the living room. It feels wrong to have been welcomed with such bright smiles and tight hugs, because if it weren’t for Namjoon (who hasn’t arrived and is desperately blowing up your phone) you wouldn’t have been here at all.

“How many times have I told you guys to fix the doorbell?” Namjoon’s voice booms in through the living room. “I’ve been knocking for a solid five minutes.” He finishes accompanying his statement with a soft laugh. You stop chopping the carrot Lia had assigned to you, it will have to wait. You have approximately two seconds to either hide or melt into a puddle of nerves.

Mrs. Jeon squeals like a tiny school girl, gently placing the whisk she had been using to stir the pancake batter to the side. She wipes her hands against her dirty custom maid YSL apron and walks to the entrance of the kitchen.

In truth you’re frozen, knife still in your hand, shaking a little bit. It’s definitely the nerves. You should’ve planned it out a bit more. You shouldn’t have ignored the man of the hour because you were feeling a little–very–petty. He didn’t know you were here and you certainly weren’t ready for his reaction.

“Namu, we thought you weren’t coming.” You hear Mrs. Jeon say followed up by a grunt. You supposed he has been reeled into one of her bone crushing hugs. They were deadly but warm and one of your favorite things about the woman.

“I’m sorry, I meant to reply to the e-vite on Facebook but I got busy.” He replies. “I didn’t know dad knew how to do those by the way.”

“He watched a Youtube video.” Jungkook replies with a chuckle. “I was there.” He adds.

“I didn’t know you were coming either, Kook.” Namjoon says, and you can almost hear the eyebrow raise of pure confusion. If he’s as smart as he claims to be he should know why he is here. Use his highly acclaimed critical thinking skills, but he doesn’t.

Not until a couple minutes later when he walks in through the kitchen with his mother in arm, wearing possibly the most attractive outfit you have seen him in. A black skin tight turtleneck with black slacks. Coincidentally it matches your own outfit–a light white turtleneck under a black dress. It adds to the growing annoyance you feel bubbling inside of you. Even if you’ve been frozen in anticipation. You still feel it.

The second his icy stare meets yours you feel like you’re about to turn into an actual icicle. He’s surprised, that much you can tell with the way he’s stopped walking. He’s faltering. Though, just in typical Namjoon fashion he regains his composure smoothly and approaches you. Stopping right in front of you and leaning his forearms against the marble counter.

“Now I see why you haven’t been able to answer me.” He grabs one of the carrot sticks that you’ve managed to cut into perfectly, and bites into it, sending you a cheeky wink. You feel your breath catch itself in the back of your throat because why was that kind of hot. He doesn’t let you respond before he’s pushing himself away and rounding the corner. He walks behind you, his body purposely brushing against yours making you grip the knife handle.

You know he’s doing this on purpose and you want to scream at him, but that would somehow be inappropriate. Plus, he hates being confronted with the truth. You know that very well. Hence why the two of you haven’t spoken in years, because you told him the truth about his actions towards you and he hated every second of it, calling you dramatic and unworthy of romance.

Well, he didn’t necessarily say those words exactly, but they were implied.

“Sweetie, we need the carrots.” Lia’s voice brings you back down to Earth. She had just finished scolding the older menace for trying to take one of the fried tofu cubes.

You shake your head, trying your hardest to remove the whole interaction with what you suppose is now your fake fiance–from your head. You grab another full carrot. “Sorry Ms. Lia, I am almost done.”

“Aish, how many times do I have to tell you that Lia is just fine.” The maid shakes her head, turning down the heat.

Mrs. Jeon and Namjoon laugh. You smile chopping into the peeled carrot carefully.

“Don’t worry my Lia, I have been trying to get her to call me mom for years.” The older woman says, with a shroud of sympathy laced in the back of her voice.

Namjoon takes this as his cue to leave as he makes his way towards the kitchen entrance. Before he fully exits he turns around, locking eyes with you. “Don’t worry mom, I'm sure she will do so soon.” He sends you another wink and leaves.

You want to scream.

The breakfast menu for The Kims and Jeons signature Sunday Brunch is always quite special and incoherent.

Today’s menu consists of Americanos, Mimosas, Fried Tofu–a staple–Breakfast Burritos, Cinnamon Carrot Pancakes, and a plate of fruit. So far, everything has been going smoothly, except for the fact that you and Namjoon are in charge of setting the table.

“I thought you weren’t going to come.” Namjoon breaks the ice first, placing the final chopsticks on top of a pastel pink napkin. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist me.” He cockily adds standing up straight and crossing his arms in front of his chest. Somehow making his very toned pecs pop out more than they already did in the stupid skin tight shirt.

You roll your eyes, placing down the plate of pancakes in the middle. “Don’t flatter yourself, I’m only agreeing because of the job and money.” You dust your hands when you finish and put your hands on your hips.

He squints his eyes in suspicion before nodding his head. “Sure, you are. Let’s see how long you can go without throwing yourself at me.” He voices. You truly should be considered God’s strongest warrior because how have you not killed the man in front of you yet.

Sure, that’s something that would’ve been a given back then. Now, you’re not so sure. You can barely stand being in the same room as him before wanting to jam a knife in between his perfect chest. You’re not going to lie, he is still as good looking as he was back then, maybe even more, but his shitty attitude ruins it. You also have never been the type of girl to throw herself at a man or seek their validation. Even if once upon a time that’s something you wanted from Namjoon. It’s not something you want now.

“You’re so fucking annoying. I do pray for the woman you do end up marrying.” You say lowly, looking around the perfectly set table. Though, Mrs. Jeon and Lia only told the two of you to do the silverware and plates. Your stubborn attitudes insisted otherwise and ended up doing the whole thing while they took a small break in the living room.

Namjoon snaps his fingers and closes the distance between the two of you. “Speaking of marriage, we have to tell them today.” He says low enough for only you to hear and not raise any suspicions to the incoming crowd making their way outside.

Your eyes blow up as you look up at him, “what? Namjoon no, I’m not ready. I mean we haven’t actually discussed everything sober and we barely talked about it when we were drunk.” You say alarmed, anxiety crashes through you in a strong wave. You start to panic as everyone starts to take their seats.

“I got it,” he nods, pulling out the chair and gesturing for you to sit. Jungkook takes the seat in front of you, raising his eyebrows. You know he’s silently asking if you’re okay. In which you aren’t but you can’t voice it now that everyone has found their perspective positions. You shake your head as discreetly as possible and sit down, Namjoon next to you plastering his best fake smile.

He would’ve been a damn good actor with the facade he’s quickly able to put on.

Maybe that’s what he should’ve done instead of becoming a professor.

It’s silent for a while, the only thing being heard is the clanking of utensils against the ceramic plates. That is until Mr. Kim clears his throat and Namjoon basically turns into a stone pillar next to you. Freezing in the middle of cutting into his cinnamon carrot pancakes–which were surprisingly delicious.

“I didn’t want to bring it up, especially since we have a guest joining us today.” He smiles over at you, and you offer him a grin. “I got news from the doctor yesterday and he wants me to start chemo next week.” He falters a bit before setting down his utensils and whipping his mouth with the table cloth on his lap. “I told him it was useless to just let me live my last few months or however long I have left in peace, but your mom and I argued about it and we came to a compromise.” He nods, placing a delicate hand on top of his wife’s, looking over at her with matching teary eyes.

You feel like you’re intruding and you likely are, but this revelation only makes the guilt grow. “I will do it and if the cancer shrinks then so be it, but if it doesn’t then there’s nothing I can do but live in peace.” He grins, bringing her palm up to his lips and kissing it gently, before turning to face his son.

“I don’t mean to pressure you son, I know it's difficult finding the one, but can you at least try.” He all but whispers the last part. Namjoon shrinks. You’ve never seen him so quiet in your life. Even when the two of you got along, he always had something to say. He hated pockets of silence because it always made him think. Namjoon hates thinking, unless it's about philosophy. He always said it was because his most inner thoughts always managed to break the surface whenever there was silence.

He’s looking down at his lap and you notice the way he clenches his fists before lifting his head up. “I understand.” He starts looking over at you for a second and turns his attention to his step brother and parents. “I’ve been trying to find the perfect moment to tell you both this.” He takes hold of your hand underneath the table, slipping something onto the palm of your hand and pulling away.

You take a second to look down, almost choking on your spit when you see the emerald ring staring back at you. It’s starting to feel real and Namjoon hasn’t even said anything yet. But his mothers wedding ring is staring up at you, and suddenly you’re hit with the realization of what is about to conspire.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

The panic builds up and you feel like you’re about to throw up. Everything is closing in on you and it only gets worse when he says the next few words. “I’m engaged, I’m getting married.”

The gasps are heard all around the outside patio. Except for Jungkook who has been quiet the entire time. Sometimes living in Namjoon’s shadow had its perks. He could get tattoos, grow out his hair, ride a motorcycle, and study whatever the fuck he wanted, because nobody expected anything from him.

He’s thankful and a little bit angry that he didn’t try hard enough to convince you to not fake a marriage with his step brother, but he knows better and stays quiet even though he’s dying to expose the scam to his parents. To show them that their perfect son was far from that and had way more demons hidden away than he let on.

“You’re what?” Mrs. Jeon says, the tears she tried so hard to keep hidden start to spill out. You suppose it’s a mixture of happiness and sadness. “Why isn’t she here, Namu, why didn’t you bring her over?” She’s about to stand up, when you lift your hand, this time adorning the ring on your finger.

You swallow, “It’s me.” You take a deep breath looking into his parents' very shocked faces. “I’m sorry I didn’t want him to tell you so soon, but you know how little patience he has.” You finish, grinning softly letting your hand fall down to your lap.

Mrs. Jeon lets out a sob before she stands up quickly, gesturing for the two of you to stand too. “Congratulations my loves, I’m so happy for the two of you.” She stops in front of you bringing you in into a bone crushing hug, making you laugh as you hug her back. “I knew the two of you were going to one day end up together, Kookie and your dad always told me I was crazy, but look who was right all along.” She says pulling back, placing a kiss on both of your cheeks and turns to face the two men still sitting down. “A mothers intuition is never wrong.” She practically scolds before moving back to her seat.

Namjoon and you stand there awkwardly for a second before sitting back down. Mr. Kim clears his throat again, patting his chest a little. Almost as if he was warming up his voice to speak. “I’m sorry, I’m just shocked.” He says before breaking out into a dimpled smile–the thing that made you fall for his son all those years ago. They were both a carbon copy of each other. With the expectation that his father was a lot warmer.

“Congratulations, wow, I’m so happy you guys are truly perfect for one another.”

“Really, I don’t see it.” Jungkook finally chimes in ruining the moment, earning a pinch to the arm from his mother. He yelps out in pain dramatically cradling his arm and pouting. “It’s the truth, they’re weird together.”

“And you’re weird for coming over every wednesday so I can do your laundry.” His mother retorts, deepening his frown. “Now, apologize.”

Jungkook squints his eyes in annoyance at his mother. He’s biting his tongue that much you can tell with the way he clenches his jaw. Though, whatever he was going to say never comes because he turns to face the two of you and puts on his best fake and convincing smile.

“Congratulations guys, even though I knew it still feels like such a surprise.”  He tilts his head to the side, sending a knowing look towards his brother. “I can’t wait for the ceremony, I hope it’s soon. I really want to be the flower girl.” He finishes.

You giggle, flinching slightly when you feel Namjoon’s hand rest over yours. “That’s up to Bunny here.” He nods over to you. “But thank you guys, we’re very happy since we’ve reconnected. And you’re right mom, she is the girl for me.” He adds, and it only makes it harder. His lie makes it harder to keep your distance, but you can also play the game he is setting up, and this time you won’t lose.

“He’s the perfect guy for me.” You say in your most in love voice before leaning over and placing a delicate kiss on his cheek, making his mother squeal at the gesture. You smirk as his cheeks get a little hotter before placing your head on top of his shoulder. “We’re so happy, thank you so much guys.” You add. His father’s smile widens and nods, picking up his fork and knife and digs into his pancake.

“I’m proud of you son. You found yourself a keeper.”

“Yeah, I did.” He agrees through clenched teeth. You laugh sitting up in your seat, sending him a playful wink, making him freeze.

Maybe you too should’ve been an actress in another life. You’re putting up quite an impressive show if you do say so yourself.

a/n: thank you so much for reading, please let me know your thoughts. If you’re interested in being added to the tallest lmk. 

Again, I’m not sure how often I will upload BUT I will try my hardest to upload more often. 

Thank you again!

[youwerenevermeanttofeelalone]

The Commander and the Knight | Poe Dameron

✦ pairing — Poe Dameron x female!Knight of Ren!Plus Size Reader

✦ word count — 27.5k

✦ request — basically I want poe to be force sensitive and he is somehow linked to her through the force and she is a knight of ren but also has kind of a weird dynamic with kylo where they definitely fuck but there are no emotions there and she gets captured and when she's being interrogated, poe is really conflicted and sees her memories so he gets kinda jealous of kylo. I want there to be notable differences in how each kylo and poe treat her. Also please have her joining the resistance and fight with them. I'd prefer if the story takes place in the movies, please? Oh and some spice at the end when they win? I don't care if there's full on smut or not but I want there to be something

✦ warnings — angst, loneliness, brief depictions of murder, torture (not explicit), choking, reader doesn't like humidity, mentions of murder, loss, mention of injuries and wounds throughout the story, jealousy, petty fights, faking a pregnancy, not-so-pretty fights, nightmares, anxiety, self-doubt, close calls, mentions and depictions of violence, blood, death, grief, forgiveness, fluff, teasing, mentions of and allusions to sex.

✦ author's note — thankfully, I managed to make this less than 30k words long!

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Poe wished he could have been woken up by the alarm. Years ago, he had lost that privilege. Complaining would be a waste of time, he had a lot on his hands at the moment. Asking for a check-up would guarantee him a sick leave which he wasn’t willing to take.

Finding solace in the warm water, he took his shower slightly earlier than usual. It would be a nice change for anyone who wanted to get better at managing their time — Snap would find the tip useful.

The headaches were getting unbearable. Doctor Kalonia advised him to switch from caf to tea, saying he was probably consuming too much caffeine. His friends would be thrilled to hear it, so he kept it to himself.

Caf had become his best friend. The beverage soon turned into a necessity for him — Jess said it was an addiction and Snap agreed, but Poe ignored them. If only they knew.

He had to get through his unforgiving days and long missions one way or another, caf happened to do the trick.

Gripping the table, Poe blinked rapidly. General Organa was speaking, he could see her mouth moving and her gestures, but he couldn’t hear a thing. He was getting lightheaded.

Fear overwhelmed him. His hands, now shaky, flew to the sides of his head. Crouching down, Poe gasped.

Loud stomps made their way into the small apartment, not bothering to knock. The hallway was dark, and the owner of the steps didn’t have a problem seeing through it — they seemed to prefer it.

They moved like they knew the place, as if once they had lived there, opening the biggest door to the right. Two people were there, sleeping peacefully one on each side of the bed.

The moon reflected on the wall in front of the window where a decal covered all the surface. Standing at the foot of the bed, the dark figure uncovered the sleeping couple, waking them up from their slumber.

“Don’t— please don’t do it!” A terrified voice shrilled. “Think about mama and papa!”

The same voice yelped. A blaster went off once. Someone else’s bloodcurdling scream pierced the momentary silence. Another shot, then the third one came followed by a fourth that preceded the fifth.

“Six,” Poe counted sadly, “seven, eight…”

His name was being repeated distantly. It was a voice he didn't remember having heard before. Poe tried to focus on it, perhaps they would have answers — a solution even.

“Commander Dameron?”

He jumped, pushing away the hand on his shoulder. Everyone was worriedly looking down at him, curled up on the floor, gripping his head. Poe bolted up, standing tall although looking down at his shoes.

Doctor Kalonia tried to touch him again, but Poe stepped to the side as if afraid she would burn him.

“Poe,” General Organa called for him in a motherly tone, “let her check up on you.”

The worry in her voice was clear. He would have liked to please her and calm her nerves, yet he couldn’t bring himself to do it. However, when she put her hands on his shoulders, he didn’t push her away.

It wasn’t a secret that Poe yearned for another kind of touch, one he hadn’t found anywhere no matter how hard he had searched. The fact that he had given up was common knowledge too.

The General demanded a moment alone with him, letting everyone else know the meeting would resume shortly. Poe feared she would demote him.

“What was that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you trying to lie to me, Poe?”

He shook his head. “I really don’t know, General.”

“I’m not talking to you as your General,” she observed, putting a little more pressure on his shoulders as she guided him to a seat.

She saw him as a son, he knew, he had no problem with that. She had observed how out of it Poe had been lately, and it worried her — the attitude and demeanor too familiar.

He always went on with his day like nothing was wrong, like his nightmares didn’t leave him feeling so lonely.

The loneliness was getting unbearable, he had given up on finding someone to share his life with when every person he tried to have a relationship with only made the hole inside him bigger.

He was getting to the point in which he hallucinated people. Just the night before, he had believed someone was laying on his bed when in reality the mattress was just cold. Cold! In D’Qar!

Perhaps relying on caf was getting the best of him.

"Poe," Leia gently spoke, "what's wrong?"

"I'm— I need air."

Her eyes lingered on him. The moment she nodded and dismissed him, Poe bolted out of there.

He did his best to avoid running into anyone as he made his way toward the nearest doors. BB-8 rolled around, beeping at him.

"I'm good, buddy. Gonna go out for a walk."

The droid beeped again.

"No, you can't come. Take a nap or something."

The jungle was a familiar environment, home-like for better or for worse.

Moss had never bothered you. Far from a fan of it, you appreciated the fact that it wasn’t sand nor lava. but it wasn’t saying much.

Complaining, however, would be a waste of your time. You needed to get some sleep, the sooner you fell asleep, the sooner your mission would begin.

Your master had always told you he found your enthusiasm inspiring. Your former master, better said — Master Kylo showed you the true meaning of the Force, its violent and raw nature, and how powerful it made you.

The others were too blind to see it, seeking inane things. Inane things you had once sought too.

That didn’t matter anymore. You now served a new master, with different convictions. He sought more, he took more, and he taught you what your former master always deemed useless.

Kylo Ren didn’t have time to get a no for an answer. His knights were meant to make sure the job got done. Politics were out of it, the force didn’t care about the Supreme Leader or the military complex. Trying to make it so was an insult.

Every time you closed your eyes, you could feel it, burning your veins in its violent flow. It was the closest you had been to feeling at home.

For some of your fellow knights, you were too close to your new master; they saw it as a weakness. If you were younger, you would have agreed, but it was what had gotten you to be stronger in the first place.

Your sacrifice had never been spoken of, and you wished for it to stay that way. You would let them sneer as much as they wanted.

Your time would come. So would theirs.

Moss... you were too close to the river for there to be moss.

You looked down at your feet. There surely was moss underneath your boots. Another pair of boots appeared in your field of vision, its owner's Force signature familiar yet unrecognizable.

“What the...” The voice was as familiar as their presence.

You walked away from them, reaching the river in hopes they would follow you. In a way, they did — their steps were so silent you couldn't pick them up, not even by closing your eyes.

Waiting for them to speak, you looked around.

“What are you doing here?”

“What?” You didn't understand the question and you couldn't see anybody around you.

"Where are we?"

You turned around upon feeling the voice behind you.

A Resistance Commander stood there, glaring at you as he demanded an explanation.

"Dameron."

"... Ren." He shifted on his feet. "Where are we?"

"How did you—" you interrupted yourself as the forest behind him turned thicker. It encompassed you both, and again, moss appeared under your boots.

Closing your eyes, you felt the Force flowing through you. Suddenly, your stomach dropped — the force surrounded him too, in a way you hadn't seen it do with a non-Force sensitive person.

What does she think she's doing? She looks creepy.

You opened your eyes and stood straight. Tell it to my face.

"What?"

"I look creepy."

"You... heard that?"

Can you hear this?

"How— get out of my head!"

"You opened the channel," you explained, almost apologetic.

His eyes turned sharp. He had a lot to learn.

"So is the force the reason you're a decent pilot?"

"No. And I'm a great pilot."

You opened your mouth to mock him, but both he and the thick forest around you disappeared.

The stream of water filled your ears again, unnerving you instead of relaxing you.

Dameron?

No answer.

You're a terrible pilot.

No answer either, his walls were up now. Good.

You sensed Vicrul approaching which prompted you to walk towards him and meet him in the middle of the forest.

“Change of plans,” he announced. “Master Ren needs our assistance.”

Nodding sharply, you followed him to the Night Buzzard. As soon as you were inside, you put your helmet on.

You couldn't shake off what had happened earlier. Why would the Force connect you to Poe Dameron from all people?

You sat with your head tilted, closing your eyes in an attempt to meditate. Any attempts were futile, your mind refused to be cleared, and around your fellow knights, you couldn't bring any of your walls down.

The hologram of your master appeared on the holopad. He announced, “It’s time. Meet me in the Finalizer.”

You would finally be one step ahead of Luke Skywalker. And you had a bad feeling about it.

════════════════════════

Ripping your helmet off, you rested it on the nearest surface, which happened to be a bench.

Something was wrong. Terribly wrong. You were filled with dread, so lightheaded you couldn't continue walking.

Nausea overcame you, yet you couldn't open your mouth to try and vomit. The blood pounding in your ears didn't allow you to hear anything around you. Your legs were shaky and you fell to your knees in the middle of the training room as scorching pain plunged through your head.

Tears blurred your sight, the pain too searing and raw to be born.

You had been trained to endure many things, but that kind of pain... You gasped in search of air while your clouded mind took control. Was it yours?

Lost, you looked for something as you ventured through a jungle. The humidity didn't bother you, no — what bothered you was the nagging tug of a presence through the Force. You ran towards it, feeling it closer and closer.

Said presence was lukewarm, unlike any living being you had contact with. There was underlying loneliness in its meek purr as if it had given up some time ago.

The sight of a plump figure made you stop right in your tracks.

"What the—"

That voice...

You saw yourself walk away and followed your figure until reaching the West River of Salis D'aar.

The you across from... you... looked around.

"What are you doing here?"

"What?"

"Where are we?"

Your figure turned around as... as Poe Dameron's voice reached your ear. You looked quite pretty, worried too.

You tried to get out of his head, but whatever was keeping you there was stronger. It burned in your head, making you break into a sweat.

You curled up on the floor, exhausted and unable to reach him to ask why he was showing you a memory you shared.

You couldn't even feel him even though his Force signature was loud. He had a temper, it seemed.

Numbness filled you, giving you a break to catch your breath. You crawled your way towards the bench, using it as leverage to push yourself up.

Your weak knees almost gave out so you quickly sat down. You rested your head against the cold wall, unable to even out your ragged breath.

Reaching for your helmet, you played with it in your dominant hand. You needed to find out what had happened, and the only way to do it was by meditating. Something you never managed to do in the Finalizer.

With the strength your resolve gave you, sure your Master would summon you when he needed you —as he always did—, you stood up and walked towards the sliding doors.

The knights were free to do anything you wanted as long as you were dismissed, and you technically had been dismissed already. If you hadn't felt something was wrong, you would have been with your fellow knights wreaking havoc.

You bumped into your master as you attempted to walk past the doorway. Kylo stopped you, pushing you back into the training room. Rage irradiated off him — it scared you.

You bowed. "Master."

He grabbed you by the neck, backing you into the nearest wall and making you drop your helmet. "Let me in."

You did so, breathing deeply.

You saw the same memory from earlier, but this time nothing hurt. You barely felt him probe your mind.

"A Force-bond..."

"I'm sure it's nothing," you quickly said. "It could have been a mistake."

"The Force doesn't make mistakes!"

It had to be one. You didn't even know enough about Force bonds! Did anybody? Who could you ask? Not your master.

"You wouldn't betray me," he gritted, bringing his hand up to your face, squishing your cheeks in a vice grip. "I. Own. You."

"Yes, Master." Your voice came out as childish with his fingers pushing your cheeks in and your tongue curled in a u-shape.

"You have so much potential." He let go of your face, clearing his throat. "It would be a shame to waste it for a pathetic Resistance pilot."

"I agree, Master."

The hum that came out of his helmet almost made you wince. "Do you?"

"Yes," you insisted, focused on not feeling or thinking anything.

"Prove it."

"How, Master?"

"Kill him."

Dameron’s signature was elusive at the moment, but its warmth was there now. It was frantic, intermittent. As though he was on the run.

Should you be happy or mortified? The Force instantly gave you the answer as relief flowed through you.

"Of course, Master. Where is he?"

Hopefully out already.

"Follow me." His cape swooshed as he turned around.

You picked up your helmet and hurried up to catch up. The hallway, often so long and dull, felt too short, too narrow, and too overwhelming.

Standing behind as your Master spoke to Hux, you focused on keeping your mind clear. He stalked towards you, grabbing your arm and bringing you into an empty hallway.

“Did you help them?"

"No."

He trapped you between the wall and his bulk. "Do not lie to me."

"I swear."

"I can sense the conflict in you." Your master wrapped his gloved hand around your throat. "The Supreme Leader does too."

"It's nothing," you choked out.

He put more pressure, restraining your ability to breathe. "Don't mock my abilities or my intelligence."

You hated when he touched you like that. Force-choking in the middle of sex was one thing, but the mark his fingers left on your skin made you feel dirty.

He suddenly let go of you and pushed himself off you, prompting you to drop onto your knees while coughing.

"Go join the others," he ordered. "Use this connection to track the pilot."

"Yes, Master," you rasped, pushing yourself to your feet.

"Do not fail me."

What were you going to do?

════════════════════════

You were on edge, even your fellow knights could tell. Or at least you thought so; they were avoiding you.

Reaching Dameron had been impossible and your master was getting impatient. You wouldn't be trusted again until you killed him.

Perhaps it was better this way, Dameron wouldn't know what to expect and you would be back to your normal life.

An incoming holo call made you all perk up. Your master drily greeted you all and asked about your whereabouts.

Once aware, he spoke directly to you, "Rhath, go to Takodana, I'll meet you there."

"Only me?"

"Yes. Your special mission will start there."

"As you wish, Master."

Kuruk grunted, "Course set. Be ready."

You stood up from your seat, searching for your caltrops and your blaster. Your lightsaber had been destroyed in a mission a moon ago and you hadn’t been able to get your hands on another kyber crystal to fix it.

Hopefully, you would make it out of this one and retrieve a kyber crystal in Ilum.

Your initial idea for a weapon had been a detachable lightsaber incorporated into a swagger stick. The knights already caused fear across the galaxy, so why not carry a symbol of authority with you?

If only your sabers lasted long enough for you to craft a swagger stick for them...

You watched as the Night Buzzard flew away from you.

Entering the forest, which seemed to be a theme lately, you watched your surroundings as you waited for your master's or Dameron's signature.

You felt the former's first and just like that, the battle began. You were relatively safe for now. You spotted an assault lander and considered joining the stormtroopers in battle, but your mission was different.

He would come. The Resistance had spies everywhere, it was only a matter of time before Commander 'I lack self-preservation skills' Dameron showed up.

You wished you had been wrong. Getting involved in this was too messy; you didn't care for war.

Your master joined you, seemingly by mistake as he stalked the forest. "You wait here," he roared a warning. "Remember your mission."

"Yes, Master."

You felt like a scolded child when you merely wanted to help him. He was frantic, swaying his lightsaber left and right, destroying anything that got in his way. Nothing new.

Dameron's signature crashed onto you like a wave. You ran closer to the castle, trying to reach out to him. There was nothing on his end, only a bouncy signature.

How were you supposed to kill a pilot from the ground? You were doomed to fail.

You were tackled by a brown mass. Startled, you tried to push it off you. Furry hands restrained yours, pinning your arms to the ground.

The Wookiee above you yelled. You couldn't understand Shyriiwook, much less speak.

An old man followed the Wookiee's voice. Standing beside you, he spoke in Basic, "Let's take him with us. He could be useful."

"Her."

"Huh?"

"I'm a she," you explained.

If you had any luck, they were close to the Resistance and you could get a chance to complete your mission.

The Wookiee lifted you with ease in a tight grip. You let him carry you around, uncomfortable as he ran with you in his arms.

You didn't expect to be pushed around by the Wookiee as you arrived at your destination or to be forced to give your weapons to the old man.

A young man was accompanying them, but he separated from you upon landing.

Guided into an interrogation cell, you were cuffed to a table. Stars, you hated this — you should have told the Wookiee to take your helmet off. Why was it so hot in here?

Sweat dripped down your face, stinging your eyes. One of the disadvantages of your armor was that it wasn't suited for warm climates — you should have thought about that possibility when you let yourself get captured.

You sensed two signatures coming your way, Dameron's and somebody else's. The other person's signature was strong, stronger than his in every way.

The doors slid open after a beeping sound, presumably the clearance after punching a code. He let the other person enter first and you would have recognized that face anywhere.

You had never been in General Organa's presence before, but you had heard endless stories about her from your parents and peers alike.

She pulled the chair on the other side of the table out and sat down. Dameron stood behind her, hands behind his back.

"What's your name?"

"Rhath Ren."

She smiled, lightly huffing. "Your real name."

"Rhath Ren," you repeated.

"You don't believe that," she stated. The general was so sure of her assessment that she lifted her eyebrows, daring you to contradict her again.

You couldn't, so you merely huffed. Forced to squeeze your eyes shut as more drops of sweat fell in, you tilted your head downward. "Do me a favor and I'll tell you."

"Depends."

"Take this thing off. My eyes sting."

"The helmet. Of course," she said. "No, Poe, I'll do it."

She was gentle as she did it, the hiss was barely audible as she softly pulled the helmet off your head.

Setting your helmet on the table, the General wiped your closed eyes with a handkerchief, then your face.

"Can you open them now?"

You slowly opened your eyes, rapidly blinking as you found the light too harsh. "I'm fine," you announced. After a pause, you gave her your real name.

Going back to her seat, she referred to you by your first name, “What is Snoke’s plan?”

You frowned. “I have no idea.”

“Don’t make me force it out of you.”

“Do as you please, General. You captured a Knight of Ren, not a Praetorian Guard.”

“I captured you? I was told you let yourself be captured.”

“Well, I didn’t know I would be brought here,” you defended yourself, rolling your neck as the turtleneck from your undershirt scratched against your tender skin. "I was on a mission."

"A mission?" Dameron couldn't help himself. "In Takodana? Alone?"

"The knights are busy people. We split from time to time."

"You would have been near Kylo if you had been there for the mission," he said, so proud of himself as though he had caught you in a lie.

If only he knew.

"If only I knew what?"

Kriff, you were slipping.

"She didn't say anything," the General told him, craning her neck to stare at him.

"I could see it in her eyes," he lamely excused his outburst.

"My mission was different from my master's," you stated, gaining her attention once again. "It didn't have anything to do with the droid."

"What was it?" she pressed.

"The ruins of the Jedi Temple are of our interest."

"You are lying."

"It's all I can tell you."

Poe sighed. What was it?

I can't tell you. I'm sure you understand.

"We don't have time for this," he complained. "Why does he need Finn's friend?"

"Who?"

"The person he took. FN-2187's friend."

"FN-2187? The one who helped you escape?" You shook your head. "Wait, he took a person?"

He walked towards you, examining you. He withdrew something from his pocket and lifted his hand. You flinched.

"Easy." He patted a piece of cloth across your sweaty face. "Those clothes look too warm."

General Organa agreed, "I'll look around and get her something appropriate. Stay here, Commander."

"Of course, General."

Poe moved your helmet and sat on the table, eyes on you. In contrast, you avoided looking at him.

“Nobody had ever struggled this much with our climate," he made small talk.

"I'm not fond of humidity."

"Would you prefer a desert planet?"

"A cold one," you admitted. "I would say an urban planet, but we are at war."

"You dark side people sure love extreme weather," he lightly snorted. “Were you born on a snowy planet?”

You shook your head. He would be able to read your mind either way. "Alsakan."

"That kind of family, huh."

"My grandfather served the Empire," you confirmed his suspicions. " My mother hated it so she helped the Rebel Alliance behind his back until the planet surrendered to General Ackbar. She met my father there."

That piqued his interest. Tilting his head, he asked, "What happened to her?"

"She died during the Civil War."

"And you left?"

"Yeah. I wanted no part in this."

Twisting his mouth, he mumbled, "Hard to believe."

"I know."

"What did you want to do?"

"Nothing." Stars, that sounded pathetic. "I suppose it doesn't matter, the Force willed for me to be a Knight of Ren."

"Oh, yeah," he sardonically exclaimed, "knighthood is so appealing."

"Doing whatever we want is appealing," you defended your fellow warriors. "The dark side of the Force compels us to do so everywhere we go."

"There's good in you." You looked up. His eyes were already on you, and if that wasn't enough, he held your gaze as he added, "You can't deny it."

No, you couldn't — you had struggled with it since the beginning. "That doesn't mean much, there's good in everybody.”

Content with your answer, he went on with his interrogation, "How did you join them?"

"We happened to be in the same place at the same time," you vaguely answered. He didn’t look impressed or amused. You explained, "I was hiding in the Outer Rim and they went looking for me. Ren said the force guided them toward me."

He hummed, encouraging you to go on.

"It didn't take much convincing... I had already killed before and I didn't even have to follow Ren, just his lightsaber or whatever. So I made a sacrifice and joined."

"Sacrifice?"

"It's a requirement to join," you plainly said.

"That... the.... what I—"

"Dameron?”

He jumped off the table. "What was your sacrifice?"

"It isn't spoken of."

The doors slid open again. General Organa carried a stack of clothes in her arms, bringing them onto the table. "We found these in your size."

You nodded, eyes still on Dameron.

She ordered him to turn around and approached you. Uncuffing one of your hands, she helped you to undo your armor. You pulled your arm off your undershirt, freeing your head too.

The general held the shirt she had brought for you and you slipped your free arm in the short sleeve. She pulled the neckline of the shirt over your head, immediately cuffing your hand again to uncuff the other one.

Once you had the shirt on, she instructed you to take your boots off. Doing it with only one hand was more difficult than you anticipated, but not impossible.

Being helped to put pants on by General Organa was embarrassing, she shouldn't have been doing such a thing — you knew it was out of cautiousness and kindness alike, but it felt wrong.

Cleared to turn around, Poe stared at the black clothes on the table. His eyes then moved towards you. His semblance changed and he briskly approached you.

You looked down at your shirt. Was it backward? It looked fine to you; apart from the cream color, that was.

He gently took your chin between his index finger and his thumb, lifting your head. "What happened to your neck?"

"I got in a fight."

"The bruises look deep..." He softly pushed your head to the side so he could look more closely. His fingers grazed your skin and you flinched.

Tears gathered at the corners of your eyes as you tried to conceal the memory. To no avail.

Both Dameron and you saw it clear as day — Hux telling Kylo what happened, Kylo mentioning you were conflicted, him choking you...

Anger radiated off Dameron, shrinking the room as you held your breath. His signature was stronger now, untamed as rage flowed through him.

He then spoke, eyes sharp and voice trembling, "I'll continue the interrogation, General."

"No. Get your starfighter ready."

"I felt that too," you mumbled.

"What is it?"

"A disturbance in the Force," you answered.

You didn't feel it? It was before you saw that so it wasn't you...

He left the room without answering you.

General Organa gave you a pensive look, then sighed. "I'll be back soon."

"Of course."

"Anything you can tell us?"

"I don't know anything about it," you honestly answered. "Look into my mind if you must."

She didn't have time to do so, both of you knew.

════════════════════════

You had never been part of an evacuation before. Even in its inherent chaos, it was organized. These people had done it before, they had put their lives on the line for what they believed in many times, it seemed.

It was like a drill exercise for them. Most of them were calm, willing to die if it meant keeping the Resistance alive.

One of them was the idiot in your head.

Dameron!

Not right now.

What do you think you're doing?

Something!

You're not supposed to. He was supposed to fall back, you had been behind General Organa as she gave the order.

Not only did he ignore you, but his stupid plan failed. Lives were lost, and now you were being tracked.

You sensed your master's presence as the Supremacy attacked. He didn't attempt to reach you, no other knight was with him. Feeling him hesitate, for a moment you thought his TIE fighter would be destroyed.

Instead, the bridge was attacked. You felt the lives lost as the high command was exposed to the vacuum of space. Your hands trembled as you tried to reach General Organa — her signature was there, weak, bruised. But it was there; she survived.

Dameron kept you out of his head for a while after Vice-Admiral Holdo’s speech. Not a good sign.

The Admiral had done her research on you —or perhaps had been informed by General Organa— so you were given a station with the technicians.

As the medical freighter was evacuated, you were sent to help out Doctor Kalonia. You knew they were keeping you away from the bridge and from listening to the plan and, to an extent, you understood why.

You didn’t like the silence in your head, or not knowing what Dameron was doing... something reckless, you knew that much, you could feel it.

But with him, you never knew if it was life-endangering reckless or leading-to-victory reckless. At this point, you didn’t want to know. The surprise would impact your reaction, and with that, your place in all of this.

As you were evacuated to a lifeboat, Dameron reached you through the force. I have a bad feeling about this plan. Get out of there if you can.

It felt like any other plan in war times, but you didn't know the Resistance like he did. I'll try. Should I even ask what you did this time?

In the end, you had to stay with an unconscious Poe Dameron instead. You also learned that he led a mutiny.

Only he would do that.

You looked away from him as he startled awake and General Organa beckoned him closer.

Awkwardly staring at your boots, you heard a calm General explain everything to him. Nothing from her explanation prepared you for what came next, not only were most lifeboats destroyed, but the Vice-Admiral sacrificed herself to buy the survivors time.

And so a battle ensued the moment you took the mine in Crait. Blaster in hand, you still felt like a coward for hoping they would kill you all instantly, for wishing you would be the first so you wouldn't have to face your Master's wrath.

Can I help with anything?

Stay with the General.

I can help.

It would be suicide, we're retreating.

Once again, Kylo didn't use his connection to you for anything. It was like you weren't there, like you had never been his apprentice. You weren't a knight anymore.

Therefore, you followed Dameron through the mine. You almost collided against him upon encountering the exit was closed.

Without thinking, you moved him out of the way and lifted your hands. Rocks slowly moved to the side. As the opening formed, you came face to face with another woman who was doing the same.

That must have been Rey.

Dameron turned to look at you as Finn and Rey embraced.

Not now. We gotta move.

Deep down, you knew what the gesture had meant. Your choice was made.

The Falcon could carry all the survivors and every single one of them was in a worse state than the other. You couldn't hide your relief as you caught sight of Dameron; having confirmation that he hadn't been severely hurt allowed you to carry yourself without a buzzing head.

The lives lost, though... lost for nothing... you had never felt this much loss. The Hosnian Cataclysm had been easier to ignore than this even though countless more lives were lost.

The lounge was silent as you entered. Your eyes met Dameron's for a split second as he leaned back on his seat at the dejarik table.

His wince as he leaned back caught your attention. He had refused to see Doctor Kalonia who was busy with the extremely injured.

You kneeled at his feet. "Let me see," you softly said.

He stared at you, frowning. A few beats later, he allowed you to lift his shirt.

The gash on his side was deep, burning red with the threat of getting infected. You pulled the satchel you were carrying open and set it beside you.

Withdrawing a gauze and a small tub, you looked up at him. "It's just bacta gel," you explained, as you used the clean gauze to scoop gel.

The now pink scrape didn't close completely. It was that deep.

Picking a band, you unrolled it and softly pressed the end on the scrape.

"Hold this," you instructed him as his eyes rested on the side of your face. "Don't press too hard, you might re-open it."

He did so and you wrapped the band around his torso, careful to not do it too tightly. Tying it at the end, you pulled his shirt down again. "Change it tomorrow and try to stay off that side. If you can't do it yourself, find Doctor Kalonia.... or... or me.”

He blinked rapidly before nodding. "Thanks,” he softly said as you stood up.

Dameron cocked his head to the side, inviting you to sit beside him.

You accepted so he made Finn and Rey move a little. Her eyes were on you, rudely lingering as you sat beside Dameron.

"You were in Kylo's memories," she blurted.

Dameron shifted. You nodded. "I bet I was."

She twisted her mouth, understanding it was a touchy subject. "I'm glad you're on our side."

Were you?

You are.

You know it's not that simple.

It is now.

A BB unit bumped against your leg. Looking down as it beeped, you snorted. "You're cuter than BB-9E, I'll give you that."

The droid rolled and beeped, bumping against you again.

"Mortal enemy? Oh, come on! He's just grumpy."

"You can understand him?" Finn asked, frustrated. "Is it a Force thing?"

You craned your neck to acknowledge him. "As far as I know, the Force can't help anybody with that. I worked with droids before joining the knights. He's also incredibly eloquent, whoever programmed him did a perfect job."

BB-8 bumped your leg once more, this time softly. He happily chirped, then rolled back to give you space.

Yeah, welcome.

"Thank you, BB-8."

No thank you for me?

You suppressed a smile. No.

The general joined you for a few minutes, not leaving without telling Dameron to meet her after she had taken some rest.

He looked worried as he accepted. And he sounded even more concerned when he sent everybody to rest too.

You were the last one to stand up from the table, wondering if there was something to do on the ship. You weren't tired.

"You don't have to leave if you don't want to."

"You look like you want to be alone."

"Your presence calms me," he confessed.

Your stomach dropped. "That's insane."

"Why? We are connected."

You knew, you felt the connection grow every second that passed. You were sure you wouldn't have been able to leave even if you had tried, not if it meant leaving him behind.

"You were my mission," you finally let it out, "I was supposed to kill you."

He was calm as he asked, "Why haven't you?"

"I'm unarmed,” you partially lied.

"You have the Force."

"You want to die Force-choked?"

"I don't want to die." He gave you a tight smile that disappeared immediately. "Unlike you."

You frowned, sitting down in front of him. He wasn't supposed to know that — nobody was.

"Yeah, I can feel it."

You bit the inside of your cheek. "Aren't you tired?"

"Of?"

"There's so much suffering, Poe..."

"Why did you join them if you knew that?" He sounded pained.

"I don't know. I liked the idea of doing whatever I wanted... I also wanted to explore the galaxy, then found out I’m prissy about climate.”

A buzz penetrated your head. It stopped as suddenly as it appeared.

He groaned.

Amused, you asked, "Are you trying to read my mind?"

"I can't. I don't think I'm strong enough."

"I have been actively trying to stop you," you assured him. "But, uh, I could teach you... we weren't properly trained so I've never tried it with others, but it can't be that hard."

"You seem to be very in control of your powers for someone who wasn't trained."

"I meant as a group. I was trained."

"By him." He uttered the pronoun with great disgust.

"I was his apprentice, then there was a change of plans, Snoke needs him and we— " No, not 'we'. "The Knights of Ren are not part of the First Order."

He nodded. "Okay, so what should I do?"

You inhaled deeply. "Meditation is a Jedi thing, apparently. You focus on something very intently. Like when you have a nightmare and you think about the color white until that's the only thing you see and fall asleep."

"I didn't know about that. Could have used it when—" he abruptly interrupted himself.

"When..."

"I think I've seen your sacrifice."

"Oh."

"Who were those people?"

You shook your head. "You don't want to know."

"I do," he insisted. "I've driven myself crazy trying to understand why I always had the same dream, then the dream turned into a vision and—"

You didn't want to hear how he felt about it, not now, so you interrupted him, "My sister and her partner."

"Why them?"

"You're supposed to kill somebody you care about or to defeat an enemy."

"You could have chosen the enemy."

"I didn't have any and my father had already died when I went back to Alsakan. She was everything I had left."

She was everything you had left and you killed her.

"Do you regret it?"

"What do you think?"

"You hesitated," he observed, "therefore you do."

"I just wish..." You wished for many things. "Nevermind. Close your eyes."

He did so, breathing deeply.

Can you hear me?

"You know I can."

Answer only in your head.

Yes.

What do you see?

Nothing.

Focus.

You closed your eyes too.

The snow's sheen reminded you of the trips your father took you on as a child. He loved the snow, even more than you did, and he'd take any opportunity to visit a snowy planet.

Your face was still damp with sweat, breath barely even as once again you had been overwhelmed by something you were desperate to forget.

"Nightmare?"

You jumped at the sound of Master Kylo's deep voice. Standing up, you bowed in greeting. He looked down at you, waiting for an answer.

"A memory, Master," you hurriedly explained. "My mind slipped while meditating."

"It happens," he dismissed your worries. "And call me Kylo."

He sat down on the step you had been curled up on and patted the space beside him.

You hesitated but ultimately sat beside him. "I don't think that's appropriate, Master."

"We're in private."

And neither of you was wearing your helmets... "Okay, Kylo."

Not even a second later, he accused, "I know you miss him."

"I was just getting used to him. I'm new too."

"Ap'lek told me."

You hummed. What now? How would you get out of this one?

He chuckled, shifting to fully look at you. Reaching over, he caressed your cheek with his knuckles. "You'll get used to me just fine, don't worry."

You leaned into his touch, prompting him to cup your cheek. You hadn't been touched by anybody in so long... "I'm sure I will."

Kylo leaned in, brushing your nose with his. You tilted your head, eyes on him. With your gaze falling to his lips, he closed the gap between your mouths and kissed you.

You rested your hands on his shoulders as you kissed him back, making him wrap his free arm around you and drop his hand to your neck.

His touch was heavy, eventually becoming forceful, and you wholeheartedly gave into it.

"You weren't supposed to see that."

Poe avoided your eyes, looking down at the checker pattern on the table. "Who did you miss?"

"Ren. Our leader before Kylo."

"Do you miss him?"

"I didn't know much about him."

"I meant Kylo."

"Oh." You bit your lip. "I'm not sure anymore.”

"I'm guessing he doesn't treat the other knights that way."

"The force isn't as strong with the others. They're more limited, that's why they were only trained in martial combat."

"You weren't?"

"I was, but not as thoroughly as them. Kylo didn’t train them from scratch.”

"Mmhmm. Well, we gotta change that just in case."

"I know how to handle most weapons."

Lifting his head, he questioned, "Will weapons work when you face them?"

They probably wouldn't on their own.

════════════════════════

There was never a dull moment in the Resistance.

Your blood pressure had never spiked this much, you didn't even know your body could handle this much adrenaline.

"This is a bad idea," you complained.

Poe craned his neck to look at you. "The First Order hasn't occupied Ryloth."

"No, but do you not know anything about that government?" You leaned onto the back of his seat. "They want to remain neutral."

He looked at you through his lashes and pulled his bottom lip out. "You just hate that it's humid."

Pushing your body backward, you fell onto your seat again. "You know what, Dameron? I hope they kill us all just so I don't have to listen to you anymore."

Good thing I live in your head too.

Don't say it like that.

Close the channel if it bothers you that much.

Shut up already.

He chuckled loudly.

You felt uneasy from the moment you landed, the news that the government didn't know the Resistance was there only exacerbated your anxiety.

Rey looked around, walking slowly as she warily took her surroundings in.

Nobody would complain about the cave, at this point you were lucky somebody was willing to help. The fact that the aid didn’t come from the government unnerved you, but all of you would face it when the time would come.

Things worked like that in the Resistance. Resilience was woven into every member’s system, it was what made you wonder if you would ever truly be part of it.

Squadrons already had missions to complete. There was no time to lose, resources were scarce, and aid was so fleeting you had to take advantage of anything you were given.

You weren’t part of any squadron. The general trusted you, she had given your weapons back — you weren’t sure if it was out of necessity or not, you just knew you would do anything to prove that her trust wouldn’t be thrown to waste.

Even if your mind was fuzzy sometimes and the pain from realizing you weren’t considered a Knight of Ren anymore was still raw, you knew you had made the right choice deep down.

Are you sure you don't want to come? We could use an extra fighter.

I want to, I just... I don't think I'd be useful.

You would.

Next time.

"Promise?"

You jumped as he spoke behind you. Turning around, you took his appearance in. He was ready to leave.

"Yeah, promise.”

He walked closer to you. “The climate is nicer in Corellia."

You cocked your head and let out a laugh. "Too bad it's ugly."

"Can't argue with that."

Poe’s hair was tousled to the side, something he tended to do after having messed it up. He had probably just given a talk to his squadron.

Well, why make him waste any more time by standing there in awkward silence? "I should go look for Rey..."

He extended his hand to reach your forearm before you could get further away from him. "Hey."

"Mmmh?"

He wetted his lips. "Be safe."

Surprised, you met his eyes. You had been expecting a teasing comment, at least any comment that didn’t carry emotion in his voice — although that sounded so unlike him that you should have known better. Poe cared, that was his whole thing.

"You were right to think it's a bad idea,” he admitted.

His eyes were pretty from up close; tired, somewhat sad, but pretty nonetheless. Nodding, you told him, "Be safe too."

He hummed. “Reach out if something happens."

"I will."

Keeping him out of your head was getting harder as it was. The Force connected you in the most ridiculous moments sometimes. Just that morning, you had been woken up by him singing in your head.

It had been your first night without nightmares in a while, but you couldn’t possibly tell him that. The way everybody around you found ways to continue being optimistic about the war astounded you; they didn’t need your morning grumpiness to ruin that.

Rey turned around, sensing your presence. After taking a look at you, she frowned. "You're worried."

"Are you not?" Were you being too paranoid?

She nodded. "But I could feel your anxiety from any distance away."

"We are not safe here."

"I know." She slowed her steps to give you the chance to reach her side. "But our options are limited. Nobody wants to help and drifting around space would have been suicidal."

"I just hope Dameron succeeds at gathering allies..."

"Well, he isn't the only one trying."

"He's the commander, it's his mission."

She huffed, poorly hiding her smile. "We should stick close to the general."

"Yeah, we should."

General Organa had assumed Rey and you would join the mission in Corellia, but when both of you explained you had the feeling you should stay there, she agreed.

Her agreement unnerved you, it meant she wasn’t sure staying there would be plausible. Or a good idea.

Rose would often give updates which didn’t help you feel more at ease. Even worse, there was no news from the squadrons in Corellia and Bracca.

You slept on your side every night, ready to reach for the blaster on your bedside table. Every time you went to sleep, you mourned your lightsaber for a few minutes. You would have felt safer with it.

Sick of tossing and turning, you left the bed earlier than usual. As you were lacing your boots. The Force made you turn to the side, but nothing was there.

It happened again, and this time you recognized the tug.

Poe?

Is everything okay? You are jittery.

You couldn’t see him at all, but his presence was so strong you could have sworn he was beside you.

Strapping your blaster, you left the quarters you were sharing with Rey. She was probably awake too, but she hadn’t moved or spoken so you let her be.

I have a bad feeling, that’s all.

Just hang in there, sweetheart, we’ll be there soon.

‘Soon’ wasn’t soon enough.

You fought alongside Chewbacca while Rey did so beside General Organa. The knights weren’t around for the invasion, nor was Kylo. Their absence played in your favor and so, when Chewbacca called the all-clear, you followed everybody into the Falcon.

Leaving without me?

Just as Poe made contact, Rey announced, “The X-Wings will lead the escape.”

She ran towards the cockpit to pilot. You sat in the lounge with Rose whom you knew was still wary of you. Her apprehension to be around you was understandable so you avoided speaking to her.

Corellia was, in fact, ugly. And Poe had been right that the climate was pleasant enough for you. The Collective’s safe house actually felt, well, safe, at least for now.

“I told you we would be there soon.”

“Could’ve been sooner,” you said. You didn’t mean it and he knew it was just a reflective quip.

He smirked. “Chewbacca seems to have taken a liking to you. According to Rey.”

“Hadn’t he already when he captured me?”

Poe sat on the floor in front of you, staring as though he could see through you. “There’s something bothering you.”

You pursed your lips, nodding as you tightened your face muscles. “I just— what’s my place here?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’re a pilot, Rey is a Jedi— almost a Jedi, I suppose…” You shrugged. “Everybody has a thing they do, something they’re good at.”

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “What did you do today?”

“Fight.”

“So you’re a warrior.”

“That’s not a thing.”

“What do you want to be?”

“I don’t know. I just want to help.”

“You helped today.”

“Is that enough?”

“Yes.”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not.” He stood up and dusted off his pants.

You looked up at him. He offered his hand. Taking it, you felt yourself fall instead of being helped up.

Poe fell on top of you. Before you could push him off, you felt the air turn cold. Your attempts to look around were useless, everything was dark — pitch black. The Force didn’t help you, no matter how hard you tried to use it.

An unknown voice filled the small room, speaking in a strange language, "Hâsk qorit nun."

You heard yourself speak but couldn’t understand what you were saying either.

"Na-hah ur su ka-haat. Su ka haru aat,” the voice rumbled.

Poe and you gasped for air at the same time. He moved off you to sit beside you, shaking as he tried to help you sit up.

“What was that?” you breathlessly asked.

“I don’t know… have you heard that before?”

“No.”

He took your face in both of his hands, making you look at him. He could feel the fear flowing through you, and even if he couldn’t, you weren’t hiding it.

“Poe!” Finn yelled, making you both jump. Standing at the doorway, he asked, “Am I interrupting something?”

“No,” you answered.

Poe’s eyes were on you as you stood on your feet. He did the same, not taking his eyes off you as he spoke to Finn. “What is it?”

“We have a problem.”

You followed Finn along the hall to where General Organa was already sitting with Rey awkwardly standing beside her.

“General?” Poe prompted her to speak.

Finn spoke for her desperate to present the issue, “We need rhydonium.”

“Finn, we’re at a vessel-exporting planet, there has to be rhydonium here.”

“The First Order has a base here, it’s occupied territory,” you reminded Poe.

“What are we going to do?”

“I’m guessing Fort Anaxes could be dangerous…” You made a face. Perhaps this was your opportunity to help in a meaningful way. “I know somebody who could get us some, but it’s going to be expensive.”

“Are they trustworthy?”

You gnawed on your bottom lip. “For the most part.”

“That isn’t helpful!” Finn groaned. “What if Rey uses her mind tricks on them?”

“We shouldn’t take Rey with us,” you mumbled, hoping they wouldn’t hear you.

Everybody did.

“What?” Finn was incredulous.

“I can go,” Rey insisted.

“Alsakan is also occupied by the First Order and many people are on their side.”

“Why would we go to Alsakan?”

Your eyes met Poe’s as you answered his question, “My stepmother.”

“We’ll take BB-8.”

“He’d be recognized.”

“I’m not going without him.”

“Then I’m going without you.”

“No, you’re not.”

As though knowing you were fighting over him, BB-8 rolled into the room.

Poe crouched to pet the droid. “You wanna come with us, buddy?”

The droid answered positively to Poe’s inquiry.

“I know you’re the best droid we have,” you assured BB-8. “But they know that too.”

BB-8 ignored the complimenting portion of your comment and beeped loudly as he frantically circled you. He was as stubborn as Poe.

General Organa raised her voice, “Enough!”

BB-8 immediately stopped.

“Poe, (Name), do what you must to get a hold of that fuel.”

“Yes, General,” Poe and you spoke at the same time.

“Rey, Finn, you’ll be on the standby to assist them if needed.”

“Yes, General,” Finn accepted.

“Understood,” Rey assured her.

“Take BB-8 with you,” she ordered you and Poe, “leave him in the ship once you have landed.”

“General…”

“I know.” She placed a hand on your arm. “But you’ll need his help.”

“Take civilian clothes with you,” you told Poe.

BB-8 chirped, elated that he got his way.

════════════════════════

“Finn didn’t mean it when he said your idea wasn’t useful.”

"I'm sure he didn't." Finn was stressed out, just like everybody else. You weren't going to hold a dumb comment against him.

Poe added, “He also didn’t mean to offend you when he implied only Rey can use mind tricks.”

“Well, he didn’t offend me with that because it was the truth. I don’t use mind tricks in the same way she does.” You rotated your chair when BB-8 whistled. "Yeah, I agree, we shouldn't land on any platform."

Poe hummed in agreement. "Any ideas?"

"No. The mountains, maybe..."

Being back on your home planet was overwhelming. Some of your worst memories had been made there, and yet, you had missed the stupid place.

Poe looked behind him as you walked beside each other. “Are you sure we can trust her?”

“We can trust her,” you assured him, making a turn to your left. “But she won’t be the one who gets us the fuel.”

He abruptly stopped walking. “What?”

With a sigh, you reached his side and explained, “Her son is a smuggler.”

“I think we’ll end up dead.”

“Just do what I tell you.”

“I’m Commander, I outrank you.”

“You’re here as a civilian.”

Seeing as he didn't say anything else, you continued walking. He did too, slower than you.

His apprehension was understandable, even more so when you didn't speak too highly about that place — and most importantly, when you hadn't mentioned you had a stepmother and a stepbrother until now.

Your relationship with them wasn't bad or complicated, but sometimes you wished it had been. They were good people, you never hated your dad for remarrying, you couldn't when Laieli was as normal as people could get. Perhaps too kind for her own good.

A protocol droid greeted you. "Oh my! Mistress—"

You covered TC-862's mouth. "Shhh. Is Laieli home?"

"How is he going to answer if you're covering his mouth?" Poe whispered.

Glaring at Poe, you uncovered the protocol droid's mouth.

"I'll get Mistress Laieli," the droid said before turning around and getting inside.

Poe and you looked around. The hallway was empty, you could sense the inhabitants of the next apartment moving around. No danger.

The door slid open. TC-862 moved his arm in a 'follow me' motion. "Come in, come in."

The apartment hadn't changed since you last visited. You hadn't been there since you joined the knights, yet you supposed there wasn't much to change. Alsakanies weren't fond of change.

Laieli's hazel eyes dampened upon seeing you. Slender arms wrapped around you as you were pulled into a hug by the tall woman.

"I thought you were dead," she sniffed, "Marsolo did too."

"I'm okay, Laieli," you softly spoke against the fabric of her dress.

Slowly parting from you, she gave you a small smile that didn't reach her damp eyes. "You look okay," she said, nodding as though she was assuring herself.

You opened your palm in Poe's direction. "This is—"

He introduced himself, offering his hand for Laieli to shake, "Poe Dameron."

You almost yelled at him. Why would he give her his real name?

She shook his hand, giving him the same kind of smile she had just given you. She didn't hide her surprise as she pointed out, "You joined the Resistance."

"Yeah..."

Laieli sat down, motioning for Poe and you to do the same. "Your father thought you would rather die than join."

"I thought so too."

"You shouldn't have come, (Name)," she lamented. "The First Order is here."

"I know." You had to go straight to the point, "I need to see Marsolo. It's for a job."

"He won't join." Her voice shook. "He lost the spark after your father died."

"And I wouldn't ask him to do it." You glanced at Poe, then stared back at her. "We just need fuel."

"Marsolo doesn't live here anymore."

"Do you know how to find him?"

"He won't like that you're bringing company. He doesn't work alone."

Bad company, you assumed — quite normal for a smuggler.

"The Commander is my superior, I have no choice."

Now I'm your commander?

Shut it.

"You might find him near the mountains," she offered. "I don't know which one."

"The Force will guide me." You stood up.

"Promise me you'll be safe."

"I will." You walked towards her. "Don't stand up," you softly told her and leaned down. You kissed her forehead, resting your hand on the back of her head.

Laieli fell onto her side on the couch. You lifted her legs and rearranged her unconscious body so she'd be laying on her back when she gained consciousness.

"Wh—"

"Shh, we don't have time. I gotta find the droid."

Wiping TC-862's memory brought memories of your own. The droid needed a lot of work when your father brought him home — it had been a gift from a friend who grew tired of the droid's male programming. You spent days and nights working on the programming and repairing him.

Opening a kitchen drawer, you found the backup you had taught Laieli to keep. It had date of the prior week if you were to go by your calculations.

Leave, don't let the droid see you.

You heard the front door slide open which prompted you to stand behind the droid and move him with the Force so he'd give you his back at every moment.

Once away from TC-862's sight, you swiped the door closed with the Force.

"Let's go. Keep quiet until we're out of the complex," you whispered to Poe.

Your surroundings were bustling with people and vessels. It would be hard to be recognized or followed which was why you took the leap and decided to come here instead of testing your luck with abandoned places or split planets.

Alsakani history was interesting, but the contemporary version was ultimately boring and predictable. Things were supposed to be small, tightly knit, and closed to outsiders.

"You know, that droid was extremely quiet... why can't Threepio be like him?"

You chuckled. "Because Threepio was programmed differently. Besides, he has his charm."

"Sometimes I feel like we speak a different language. Threepio charming... what about BB-8?"

"What about him? He isn't a protocol droid."

"No, but he's charming."

"Sure." BB-8 was everything a droid could be and more, this conversation was stupid. "Wait. Are you getting jealous on behalf of BB-8?"

"No," he immediately answered and hurried his step.

You followed him even though he didn't know where to go. "If you say so..."

Eventually, you regained your position as the guide, once Poe had decided to forget the meaningless banter. As rain started to fall, you examined your surroundings, including the ground. "He always liked the Mosaics..."

Poe kept himself from asking what you meant even though his eyes were unable to hide his curiosity.

"We'll take the long way," you decided. "Rucapar might be a boring city, but the Mosaics are in the city square and I'm not taking that risk."

"Is the Force telling you where he is?"

"No, not yet. It will, don't worry."

Marsolo's signature had always been special. It was the second signature you memorized without even knowing what you were doing. It wasn't that strong, he wasn't Force-sensitive, but you would have recognized its buzz anywhere.

He had always been an enthusiastic person, sometimes too enthusiastic for your liking. But you were close since your father and his mother married, so you got used to it pretty quickly.

"The mountain next to the one we landed. To the right."

Reaching sloped ground, Poe and you took a break as you collected your thoughts. You didn't know how many people you would have to face or if they were hostile...

There was no sense of danger around you, the Force calmly flowed through everything as though there was no war, as though peace had already been achieved.

Steps made you both perk up.

You slowly approached the owner of the steps. It was a woman, she wasn't much younger than you.

You spoke in a neutral tone, "I'm looking for Marsolo."

Don't draw your blaster. She won't hurt us.

"Who should I tell him is looking for him?" she apprehensively asked.

"His sister."

She gave you a nod. "Stay here."

You didn't have to wait long before you caught sight of a patch of blond hair.

Marsolo's hair was short now, he used to keep it at a shoulder-length when you were younger. His green eyes were still vibrant, albeit tired.

His face lit up when he saw you. He exclaimed your name, hugging you tightly. For a moment you were a teen again, getting her heart broken for the first time and seeking her stepbrother's comfort.

"I thought you were dead."

"Laieli told me."

"You saw mom?" He parted from you, eyes on your face. He was worried.

"I did my best to make her forget she saw me," you assured him, "I wiped TC-862's memory too and put the backup in."

Marsolo immediately relaxed. "Good." He nodded upward. "Who's this?"

"He's my commander."

"Commander who?"

"Commander Dameron."

Do you want to get us killed?

"Resistance's best pilot, huh." Marsolo's eyes were solely on you.

You didn't appreciate his teasing tone. "Well, we're here for a mission."

Your brother hummed. "What do you need?"

"Rhydonium."

"Come." He cocked his head to the side, motioning towards the mountain.

Marsolo guided you into a cave. You were sick of caves already, the one in Ryloth wouldn't be forgotten any time soon.

Poe stood close to you, warily looking around. Other people were there, chatting and sharing a meal.

The woman from earlier offered you a drink.

“Oh, no, thank you." You smiled at her. "I can’t, I’m pregnant.”

What?

Just go along with it. Don't accept anything they offer you, we have to be careful.

"Sister..."

"I know, Marsolo, I know."

Marsolo set his eyes on Poe. “You? A drink?”

“I gotta make sure she’s alright.” Poe wrapped his arm around your middle, placing his hand on your belly. “We’re already putting our child in danger by taking part in the war.”

Our child?

“Oh! Yes, I can see it in your eyes...” Marsolo rested a hand on your head and told you, “I’m glad you’ve found someone who loves you.”

If only that were true... “He’s the sweetest.”

Your brother took a sip of his drink and slowly nodded. “He looks at you like Kenzac looked at Tianad."

You closed the channel between you and Poe upon hearing mention of your sibling-in-law and your sister. His hold around tightened in a silent attempt to get your attention.

Knowing nothing was wrong, you ignored Poe. “Will you help us, brother?”

“Of course, of course. It’ll be costly...”

“Don’t worry about that," Poe said. You could feel his annoyance.

"I have some," Marsolo admitted, then pointed at you. "But I won't let you take it with you."

"Marsolo..."

"No. You are pregnant, what kind of uncle would I be?"

I'm going to kill myself. What do I do now?

Should I contact Rey and Finn?

No.

"Brother, please."

He buried his fingers in his blonde hair, sighing. "Only if you stay here."

"Marsolo, I don't have time for this," you desperately spoke. You didn't want to use the Force on him, mind tricks weren't your forte, you often went overboard and probed minds. "If you're not willing to help me, I'll go to Fort Anaxes and find someone who will."

"Fort Anaxes is dangerous right now," Marsolo chastised you, "just like Mustafar, before you get any ideas." He turned around and told the man next to him, "Bring me the last cargo we brought. Be careful."

How are we getting it to the ship?

Poe raised a good point...

Bring the ship here.

Are you sure?

Yes, night will fall by the time you get to it.

Do you have your blaster?

Yes.

"I'll get our ship, honey," Poe announced, begrudgingly pulling away from you.

Marsolo watched him leave whereas you decided you wouldn't give anybody your back. You trusted Marsolo blindly, but Laieli had been right that there was something dangerous about the people around him.

"I would feel better if you didn't carry it with you," he insisted.

"We have to take it with us. But I'll be careful, you know I've handled it before."

He pulled a small package from his pocket and took your hand with his free one. “Here, take this.” He placed the package in your hand and made you close your fist around it.

“What is it?”

“A gift for the baby.”

Whatever it was, the Force was strong with it.

And by your side, it seemed. Marsolo accepted the credits and allowed Poe to bring the rhydonium to the ship without any issue.

Nobody tried to follow you, nobody attacked you.

BB-8 was happy to see you both, he even complained about how bored he had been.

It was odd and you weren't the only one who thought so.

"That was easy."

"Too easy," you agreed with Poe.

Unravelling part of the package Marsolo gave you with trembling hands, you found a kyber crystal.

"They know we were there."

Poe glanced at your hand. You closed your eyes, caressing the crystal — everything was so clouded you couldn't see who had touched it before Marsolo, but you could make out a big silhouette giving it to a smaller one.

"Contact Rey and Finn, tell them to pick us up. We'll discard this ship near the rendezvous point."

"BB-8, take control."

The droid beeped as he did what Poe told him to.

You left the co-pilot seat and opened the cargo chamber while Poe made contact with your friends. You couldn't make out everything he said, too focused on the fuel in front of you, but you knew they would be waiting for you.

"You think he told them?" he asked from behind you.

"Marsolo? No. He's not with them."

"Why give you the crystal, then?"

"I don't know, it's... elusive. He said it was a gift for the baby and he wasn't lying." You twisted your mouth, thankful you weren't facing him. "The only people who know I need a kyber crystal are the knights."

BB-8 whistled loudly. You were almost there.

"Here's the plan." You turned around to face Poe. "You and BB-8 will get in one pod and I'll get in another one with the fuel."

"What?"

"This thing is highly unstable," you reminded him. "If something happens, Rey will release the pod and everything will be okay."

"I'm not letting you do that! Why can't we just leave the fuel in a pod by itself?"

"Because by the moment we realize something is wrong, it'll be too late."

"Oh yeah?" he raised his voice, walking even more closely to you. "And how am I going to explain I lost you and the fuel?"

You rested your hand on his hip. “They need you more than they need me, Poe, you’re the best pilot we have. They'll understand."

BB-8 announced it was time to abandon ship. You moved the rhydonium to the closest pod while Poe communicated with Rey. Once inside, you took a deep breath.

"Release it, BB-8."

"No!" Poe insisted.

The droid, however, listened to you first. You didn't know if that meant he wanted you dead, probably not.

Leia will never let you live this one down.

The fuel might not let me either.

Shut up.

The other pod was released just in time for Rey and Finn to pick both up.

You focused on keeping Poe out of your head, looking down at your boots and keeping your mind as clear as the sense of his anxiety allowed you.

A sinister voice, the same one from the safe house, reached you. "Na-hah ur su ka-haat. Su ka haru aat.”

Your leather gloves squeaked as you closed your fists. The voice scared you, it made your blood drop to your feet. You had heard it before, perhaps in a dream, but you couldn't pinpoint it.

As the pod was lowered gently, you continued with your eyes closed. You were scared you would see something awful upon opening them.

The pod opened first. "We got it," you heard Wexley say.

Forced to open your eyes now that you had company, you stared at him. He kindly smiled at you as a technician slowly handled the fuel.

You did your best to smile back at him and once clear, you abandoned the pod.

"The general wants to see you," he said.

Before you could answer, Poe spoke at your side. You were so shaken you hadn't felt him. "Thank you, Snap!"

You walked in silence towards General Organa's improvised office. The debriefing was short, there wasn't much to report — you did let her know there was a chance the First Order knew you had been in Alsakan, but she had already known that risk.

Once dismissed, you retreated to your quarters. You were sharing with Rey again; she wasn't there yet which was a relief. She was much stronger than you in every sense, she would know something was wrong.

A knock on the door startled you. Dropping your gloves onto your bed, you used the Force to open the door. "Yes?"

Poe furiously closed the door behind him. "What were you thinking?"

"I'm not going to take lectures from you."

He took a couple of steps forward. You didn't move. "It's not a lecture."

You avoided looking at him as you said, "It sounds like one."

Poe rested his palms on your cheeks, gently making you lift your head. “Don’t do that to me ever again.”

“I—“ You weren't expecting that. "It was the only way."

"Not for me."

"It's a difference in perspective, then."

"You're infuriating."

"Thank you."

He leaned in, eyes on yours as he tilted his head. If he was waiting for you to push him off, he would stay there for eternity.

Poe got the clue and gently planted his lips against yours. Your hand traveled up his arm to rest on his shoulder as a sigh escaped you.

It was the softest kiss anyone had ever given you, a kiss you never imagined would come from Poe Dameron. He pressed his forehead against yours as your mouths parted, eyes still closed.

The warmth of his breath coincided with the warmth of his Force signature, a signature you lately felt you couldn't live without.

You had never been as glad as you were right now that you weren't a Jedi. The attachment towards him, the way the Force connected you... it would be frowned upon; perhaps it would be by the Sith too, by the Knights of Ren, by the First Order.

And it didn't matter anymore. You were away from them in his hold that felt like home.

Slowly, he opened his eyes. Pretty as always, shinier than ever. Poe dropped a hand from your face and slipped it into his pocket to withdraw something.

He stood straight again, palm still on your face, and showed you what he had in his other hand. The kyber crystal Marsolo gave you. "I believe this is yours."

"I gave it to you."

"You need it."

With a frown, you confessed, "I don't know if I want a lightsaber anymore."

"Why not?"

"I could make the crystal bleed."

"So?"

"So it would mean I have too much darkness in me. I don't want to know if that's the case."

He caressed your cheek and smiled at you. “You won’t make it bleed."

“You sound so sure.”

“It won’t bleed because you don’t want it to.”

"That's not how it works," you lamented. "I wasn't trained to control my emotions."

"It won't bleed," he insisted. You hated the way he said it, as though he had faith in you.

You nodded. "Okay, it won't bleed."

He gave you a soft smile as you took the crystal from his grasp. The brush of your fingers against his made you aware of how soft the back of his hands were.

════════════════════════

Ajan Kloss made you miss Corellia. Humidity wasn't the main issue anymore, you were getting used to it. The insects, however, were getting under your nerves.

Rose sat beside you on the bench, greeting you warmly. Things had changed between you in the past few months, she wasn't wary of you anymore. Having a friend around was nice, strange, but nice.

Your cot in the cave was just next to hers and you had been taking part in combat training with Rose, Connix, and Beaumont.

It wasn't that Finn, Rey, and Poe weren't your friends because they were. But they read you well, especially Poe.

Speaking about Poe...

"Have you seen Dameron?"

Rose cocked her head, analyzing you. "No. You're the one who always knows where he is."

"The Force helps."

"I'm sure it does," she teasingly said.

She was convinced something was going on between you and Poe which wasn't wrong per se, but not even you knew what it was.

Both of you avoided the topic. There was a silent understanding between you that the Resistance was more important right now.

Besides, you were getting better at controlling your powers. The connection was easy to close now and it helped a lot, not hearing every thought he had every mission was a blessing. Him not seeing your dreams was good, too.

Standing up, you told Rose you would talk later. She smiled while nodding.

Poe wasn't near the camp, not even BB-8 knew where he was. The droid offered to look for him, but you assured him you would do it yourself.

The further away you got from the camp, the closest his warm signature felt.

Green engulfed every inch of your surroundings. It was so easy to breathe there, you wouldn't have minded Ajan Kloss at all if the moist environment didn't make your job harder.

Wearing long sleeves peeved you too, but the fabric was so light you had gotten used to it the first week. Anything to avoid an insect infection.

Poe's voice filled your ears. "Enjoying our lovely climate?"

"Looking for you."

"Something wrong?"

His absence. You wouldn't tell him, though. "No. I was curious as to why you weren't around. I thought you had gotten an infection, but you didn't ask for medical attention, so..."

"I feel... uneasy."

"You are sad. I can sense it."

Defeated, he nodded. "That too."

You gazed at him, hesitant to ask what was wrong. You weren't entitled to an explanation, nobody was.

“It would have been my mom’s birthday today.”

You reached forward, then decided it would be best to give him space and withdrew your hand.

“They can’t see me like this.”

You opened your mouth before you could even find the right words to say, then closed it. Resting your hand on his shoulder, you waited for him to push you off. He didn't.

"Missing your mom doesn't make you weak, Poe," you told him, squeezing his shoulder.

“I know, but the squadron needs me sharp and focused.”

"They don't question your compromise or your leadership. Most of them admire you so much..."

"You think so?"

The fact that he doubted it was astounding. And heartbreaking. "Everybody here adores you."

He craned his neck. His dark eyes seared your face as he asked, “Does that include you?”

“Yes," you replied, voice unwavering, "it does.”

You could tell he wasn't expecting that. It was your fault, you had been avoiding him as much as you could. You had good reasons, he would know in time.

He looked up. "It's getting dark."

"Yeah, we should go back."

You thought it would stay at that, you hoped your words would make him realize nothing was wrong between you. Whatever it was you felt for him —and whatever it was he felt for you— would remain intact.

His squadron was sent out often, you were used to seeing him fly away until his X-wing disappeared from your sight. His absence conflicted you, it ate you inside and at the same time freed you — you didn't need to keep your walls up all the time when he wasn't around, you could let out sighs and curses as you once again walked the long way in direction to your cot.

Nights were dreadful. Every single one of them since you left Corellia. The climate, the insects, the snoring... you could take those, but not your dreams.

In every dream, the same sinister voice from that time Poe and you spoke about your place in the Resistance whispered your name. Each time, you stupidly followed the sound.

Waking up became harder as the nightmare became recurring until you decided you simply wouldn't sleep. The Resistance couldn't stop because you were having vivid nightmares.

Technicians and scouts were so busy that they often asked for your help. Rey was occupied training most of the time and your abilities with the Force were helpful when it came to finding new species. As for technicians, there weren't enough of them to keep everything working, much less in that climate.

Once again, you followed the path towards the cave. Before you could sneak your head to see who was there already, a hand was placed on your shoulder.

"I tried to reach you, but..." Poe was back.

"I've been busy."

"Doing what?"

"Things. Don't you have a mission?"

"No."

"A pity, really."

He withdrew his hand and moved to the other side so he would be standing closer to your face. "What are you hiding?"

"A plot to assassinate everybody."

"I'm being serious."

"Who says I'm not?"

Poe grabbed your waist and pressed you against the door, trapping you between the rough exterior of the cave and his body.

You finally looked at him, doing your best to keep yourself from putting your hands on his shoulders.

"I'm trying to help you."

"I don't need help." Oh, you wished. "I can't have some privacy now?"

He stepped back, giving you space. You quickly missed the warmth of his hands. "It's getting harder to sense you."

"Is it?"

"Yes. Doctor Kalonia said you haven't seen her..."

"I'm not ill," you assured him. "Just busy which tires me out."

That wasn't a lie. You felt so tired some nights that you closed your eyes in the naive hope that tiredness would give you a dreamless sleep.

But the dreams eventually arrived, every single night, no matter how tired or drained you felt. The nightmares, better said. They got darker as days passed, heavier.

"You should get some rest," you told him, turning around. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night."

"Good night, Poe."

You couldn't even say you were safe in your cot and it killed you. It killed you because you hadn't had a comfortable place to sleep since you left Alsakan, the closest thing had been that cave, surrounded by some of your friends, the cave that now felt cursed.

Now free of your boots and wearing your sleeping clothes, you sat on your cot and looked up at the ceiling. Your eyes threatened to close — you really were tired.

Shifting to avoid falling asleep, you wondered if there was a way to use the Force to leave yourself unconscious. Every use of the Force was merely willing it to do something, it had to work.

Adapting your preferred sleeping position, you closed your eyes. The Force wasn't as violent while flowing through you anymore — you missed its rawness, but it was the price to pay for straying from the dark side.

Lighting struck directly onto you, making you fall to the floor. The Knights of Ren surrounded you as you knelt in front of a hooded figure who sat on a throne.

A cackle broke through the dry air. "Good. You've done good, Knights." It was the same sinister voice from every dream.

"We found her in Wayland, as you said we would, my Lord," Ren spoke.

Wrinkly hands grabbed your face, making you look up into yellow eyes. "You will join me," he purred, "every Sith out there will."

The knights around you shifted as the figure lifted his hand and kneeled before it too.

"In the meantime, Ren will take care of you. My special pupil will join soon and guide you until the time is right."

Gasping for air, you jumped off the cot. You brought a shaky hand to your face, still feeling the grip of those wrinkly hands.

You were sick of that voice already and now you knew it was Emperor Palpatine's.

A soft hand took yours as you scrambled around in search of your blaster.

"Are you all right?" Rose sleepily asked.

"Yeah," you shakily lied. "I'm not tired so I'm gonna take a walk."

Disoriented, you frantically walked away from the cave.

You bumped against somebody in the same state. Their hands flew to your middle and you immediately recognized Poe's touch.

"I need to see General Organa," you blurted.

He breathlessly said, "It's late."

"Please, Poe."

His hands moved to your forearms as his wild eyes mapped your face under the moonlight. "Are you okay?"

"I need to talk to her," you desperately insisted, "now."

He wrapped a hand around your wrist and guided you to the other side of the camp.

It felt like an eternity had passed when you both stood in front of her private camp. Poe didn't let go of you as he explained to R2-D2 that you needed to see the general.

The droid beeped at her bedside. You looked away, feeling as though you were intruding too much.

R2-D2 successfully woke her up. General Organa tried her best to look completely awake as she tiredly gazed at both of you.

Poe spoke, taking your blaster from your grasp and keeping it away from you, "Sorry to bother you, General. (Name) needs to talk to you."

"At this hour? What's wrong?"

"I don't know, she's shaking."

She switched the lights on. You traced the wires with your eyes. You hadn't liked the idea of improvising that much with energy, but it was the only thing you could do to have functioning lights and machinery.

"What is it?"

You rubbed your knuckles. "I... I've been having dreams. They get more vivid each night..."

"Good dreams?" she asked even though you were sure she already knew the answer.

"They're not dreams, I, I think... they feel like visions, I could feel the climate and smell the air..."

Breathe.

"Don't do that," you warned him.

"Don't do what?" the general asked, "What is going on?"

You're scaring her.

"Stop! I can't keep you out. I can't keep anything out."

Poe and General Organa shared a look.

"I don't know how to explain it. The Emperor, he, uh, he— he was with the knights... and his voice... I've heard it before, it talks to me in a strange language."

General Organa sat on the bench near her cot. "Come."

You sat beside her, letting your hands fall to your lap.

"Show me."

You shook your head. "I can't control myself, I could hurt you."

Poe kneeled in front of you and took both of your hands, gaining your attention. "Show me, then. I'll explain it to her."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't."

"Your faith in me is misplaced."

"I don't think so," he firmly said. "Come on, show me."

You gripped his hands and closed your eyes.

It's okay, I've got you.

The Force let him in before you could even try. Controlling yourself would be hard right now, being partially self-taught would only take you so long.

Yet you were willing to make him see everything, trusting the Force would show him every detail. You felt yourself flinch as the climate turned dry again and his hold tightened. Nothing would hurt you for now.

The connection with Poe was supposed to be soothing, it had been from the start; you didn't like showing this to him. He wasn't mean to see it, even if he had heard Palpatine that one time.

His reaction was the same as yours, the gasp he let out as the connection whithered was your cue to open your eyes.

Poe's eyes were wide, bouncy, and his Force signature felt shaky, as though he wanted to forget what he saw already.

"Go see Doctor Kalonia," he told you as softly as he could speak through a rasp. "I'll join you in a few minutes."

“I don’t want to wake her up over a nightmare.”

"Why don't you bring her some tea?" General Organa suggested, "We'll wake the doctor up if she doesn't calm down."

Poe nodded yet he didn't let go of your hands immediately. He squeezed them. Will you be okay?

I trust the general.

Slowly, Poe dropped your hands back onto your lap and stood up. "Do you need anything for yourself, Leia?"

General Organa shook her head and slowly wrapped her arm around your shoulders, bringing you into a side hug. She waited for Poe to leave in order to speak. "Do you think it's a vision?"

"It feels real enough, I think. Will you make him show you?"

She hummed. "Once you've calmed down."

Would you ever? Palpatine said you would join him... he sounded sure of it. The Knights of Ren had truly found you in Wayland, you didn't lie to Poe when you told him about it. Now you knew the Force hadn't shown Ren the way, Palpatine himself had.

"Have you been trying to distance yourself from the Force?"

You nodded. "A little bit. I just want to feel normal again... I'm tired."

"That explains it."

"General?"

"It's Leia," she reminded you. Her arm tightened around you as she pulled you onto her shoulder. "Poe's been distracted."

"I assure you I haven't been distracting him."

"You can't assure me anything," she kindly said, "it's not something you control."

"And that's a problem," you mumbled.

"Is it so bad that he cares?"

"He didn't need to see that. I've made him see enough."

"I don't think it's your decision to make."

You opened your mouth to answer, but Poe was quicker to do so from the doorway, "No, it isn't."

"I also think..." She focused on Poe as she spoke. "This should be a private conversation."

He walked towards you and handed you a cup. "I didn't add anything sweet."

"It's fine, I like it that way." You wrapped your shaky fingers around the cup. "Show her, Poe."

"Yeah," he sighed. You moved to stand up, but he stopped you. "Drink your tea."

You looked down at the murky hot liquid in the cup. Bringing it up to your lips, you took a sip. The tea had cooled down enough to not burn your esophagus, so you entertained yourself by focusing on the sensation of every sip while Poe showed that woeful thing to Leia.

Poe's eyes were already on you when you finished your tea. Leia had her face in her hands, surely meditating on what she had just seen.

"There's nothing we can do right now to confirm whether it's real or not," she announced. "We should get some rest. All of us."

Leia stood up, taking the cup from your hand. Standing up too, you thanked her and moved along to leave her camp.

Poe did the same. The sheet tenting the camp was dropped the moment Poe and you exited the area, prompting you both to share a look. She was worried, then, which meant the dreams had never been only dreams.

"It's insulting that you think you know what's best for me," he said, voice low.

You had hoped he would forget about it. Leia was right that it should be a private conversation, but it wasn’t one you thought you would truly have.

"You shouldn't be getting distracted in the middle of a war." You walked to the other side of the main camp, in the direction of the cave.

He followed you in strides, not content with your logic.

"Besides," you added as you turned to the side once he had reached you, "you've survived without me in your head just fine."

Immediately, you regretted turning to look at him. You could have handled seeing hurt in his semblance, but he didn't even have time to physically react as he desperately said, "It felt like losing someone in slow motion."

You opened your arms. "I'm here."

"It didn't feel as if you were.”

"I was trying to avoid... you know it's not about you or because of you."

"No, I know that. But does it really matter when your signature was so weak I thought you were dying?"

"And miss the fun of actually winning the war? Come on, be serious."

He cracked a small smile. “I’ll walk you to your cot."

“I don’t want to be there.”

“What if I stay until you fall asleep?”

You nodded.

Poe and you tiptoed around the cave, careful not to wake up anybody. He watched as you got rid of your shoes and sat on the cot.

"Lay down," he gently told you as he put down your blaster in its place, "you need to sleep."

Once you had laid down on your back, he kneeled on the floor next to your bed, placing his forearms on the mattress.

You rested your hand on his head. "You need a haircut."

“No, I don’t."

“Yes, you do. That poor helmet of yours will barely fit by next week.”

"The helmet has zero qualms with my hair."

"I'll convince BB-8 to annoy you until you cut it."

He swallowed a grumble in a show of respect to the sleeping people around, aware that the droid would probably be on your side.

Craning his neck to crack it, Poe casually whispered, "I heard you refused to be trained with Rey."

"I did."

"You don't want to be a Jedi?"

"No. Do you?"

"No."

"Then why is it hard to believe I don't?"

"You were trained by Ren."

"Yes, and the training wasn't conventional for many reasons." He gave you a look that told you there was no need to remind him. "First and foremost, I was trained to serve him. He was my Master, I was supposed to follow his every step."

He inhaled deeply, as though looking for the right words to say what he needed to.

"I like the Force," you told him, "I enjoy using it and feeling it... but I don't like the dogmatic ways of the Jedi or the sinister Sith point of view." After a pause, you confessed, "I'm tired of fighting."

"But you keep doing it."

"We're at war."

"Exactly." You gave him the best argument possible. "You'll need your preferred kind of weapon." He gazed at you, gauging your reaction. "And eventually, you'll have to face them," he reminded you. "So please, at least make that lightsaber. You won't have to use it after the war, I promise."

"I'm scared of using the Force."

He pushed himself up. You followed him with your eyes as he sat on the edge of your cot. Poe brought his hand to your face, running his thumb over your cheek.

"I won't let anything happen to you."

You believed him. There had never been a moment since you met him that you had doubted him.

"I'm not scared to die." You looked away from Poe's comforting gaze. "I'm terrified he'll get his way. You heard him, he's sure I'll join him."

He traced the side of your nose with his thumb. "You don't want to join him."

"Of course I don't."

"So you won't," he said, so sure, as though he knew something you didn't. His faith in you unwavering.

"Poe..."

"You need to trust yourself."

You knew. But how could you when the last years of your life had mostly been a lie? You had gotten to consider the knights your brothers — you spent so much time with them that you knew all their quirks, and training without them didn't make sense.

Which parts of you were yours and which ones were there because Palpatine had planted them there? Where did you start? Most importantly, where did you end?

You lifted your hand and placed it on top of his. "Stay here."

"You sure?"

You laid on your side, leaving him space on the cot. "Please."

Holding the light covers up, you watched as Poe kicked his shoes off and swung his legs onto the mattress. Letting him get comfortable, you looked at the wall behind him.

He laid on his side too, facing you. Neither of you moved for a moment, both barely breathed as the reality of your position settled in.

Poe's hand brushed your body as he got comfortable. "Sorry."

"It's okay," you whispered.

Tentatively, he rested his hand on your upper back. "Is this okay too?"

"Yeah."

It was nice to be held without any underlying intentions. He didn't even speak once you had given your consent to be touched. The most important thing was conceiving sleep, and although you were scared, nothing would hurt you if he was there.

Well, maybe Rose's teasing in the morning would.

════════════════════════

Your adrenaline was high. Your racing heart rang in your ears and you had to halt your steps for a moment.

There could only be one explanation: Poe was doing something stupid.

Good thing Leia was busy training Rey because she would have been able to tell something was going on.

You looked down at the saber in your grasp. Shiny, pretty, newly built. Deciding to test it on your own, you made your way to the depths of the forest.

You hadn't even crossed the camp when somebody yelled your name. You turned around.

“Poe’s back," Jessika told you. "He’s in a bad mood.”

Jess and you ran to the other side where the Falcon was. Poe and Rey were fighting, making you and Jess share a look.

It wasn't an uncommon sight anymore. Poe was frustrated with her for choosing to train instead of being out there in missions.

As understandable as his frustrations were, you didn't share his opinion.

You crouched next to a damaged BB-8. “Hi, buddy.”

BB-8 chirped.

“A tree?”

“Yes, she dropped a tree on him!” Poe exasperatedly exclaimed.

Rey defended herself, "He blew both sub-alternators! The Falcon was on fire!"

You shook your head. They sounded like children. “Come," you told BB-8, "I’ll fix you.”

BB-8 told you about Rey's training session as you fixed him. It sounded intense. It wasn't that your training hadn't been intense, and training under a person as unstable as Kylo hadn't been easy, but yours had been extremely different.

Your training had entailed not holding back, bending the Force at your will. Kylo was clear with you from the beginning, you would never reach his level.

A hand was placed on your hip from behind. Giving you goosebumps, Poe said near your ear, "I need you out here, you gotta hear this."

"Give me two minutes, BB-8 is almost done."

"Sure."

BB-8 rolled beside you. Standing near Poe, you analyzed your surroundings. Everybody was there.

Palpatine returned, it was official. He was behind the First Order, behind Snoke, behind every little evil corner.

And you had less than a day to save the galaxy.

The nightmares hadn't stopped, he still called for you every night. But what use could he have for you? Or Poe if getting to him through you was his intention. Neither of you was powerful enough with the Force to be his apprentice.

As the crowd around you dispersed, Poe snaked an arm around your thick waist so you'd stay.

"Which color?"

"Huh?"

"Your lightsaber."

"Oh." You drew your saber, gripping it tightly. Moving the hilt away from him, you ignited it.

He looked gorgeous under the orange hue of your lightsaber. Even in his worried and exasperated state.

Poe grinned. "I told you it wouldn't bleed."

"Yeah, yeah, you were right. Don't let it get to your head."

"Will you finally stop carrying those caltrops?"

You deactivated the lightsaber and secured it in your belt. "Oh, I lost them."

"You lost them?"

"In a card game."

"Sweetheart, I told you to stop betting against Snap." You almost melted at the pet name. He reminded you, "He cheats every time, he's worse than Chewie."

"I was bored."

"Fuck, you're adorable." He grabbed your face with one hand, softly squeezing your cheeks.

You glared at him.

"Viciously adorable," he clarified.

You tried to pout. Poe leaned in and kissed your puckered-up lips. Loosening his grip on your face, he cupped your cheek and kissed you again. His lips were chapped, but you didn't mind.

Wrapping an arm around his waist, you brought him closer to you. He held you tightly at the height of your hip, angling your face with the hand on your cheek.

A throat cleared behind you, making you pull away. Craning your neck, you came face to face with General Organa.

"Sorry to interrupt."

Poe and you parted from each other. You moved to stand beside him to face Leia and he secured his arm around you.

"You're not interrupting, General."

"How have you taken the news?"

Her gaze let you know the question was directed at you. You shrugged. "I mean... this is just a confirmation. I'm more intrigued as to who is the spy."

She nodded. "The time limit..."

"General..." You stepped out of Poe's arm. "Should I pretend I want to join him so we can find him?"

"No."

"I wasn't asking you, Commander."

"No," Leia agreed with Poe. "He isn't after you, he just wants to make sure..." She made a face. "You two should have told me you shared a Force-bond when it started. I had my suspicions, but..."

"It felt too personal to be shared," you said.

"Palpatine is after the connection."

"But why? The connection didn't start when I became a knight."

"It probably didn't manifest when it started," she mused. "He must have assumed the connection was with Ben so he sent Ren to find you."

"I've never met the guy!"

"I know you haven't." She reassured you by giving you a smile. "He's planting things in your head. You've done well keeping Poe out of it."

"I don't think so."

"I do," you insisted. "You're reckless."

"Why is this turning only about me?"

"Because you have more to lose than I do."

"Again with that..." He turned to look at Leia, asking for some backup.

She smiled. "You weren't trained, Poe. It would be easier for him to confuse you."

"Or to get information from you." Before he could fight you on it, you added, "I know you wouldn't give it willingly, but I'm sure Palpatine isn't as gentle as Kylo when probing minds."

"You call it gentle because—"

"Poe." You put both hands on his shoulders, making him look at you. "Kylo is gentle in comparison because he isn't a Sith. I'll never know the extent of the pain he caused you, I just know it would be worse if Palpatine were to be the one to... it— it would kill you."

Leia nodded, both in agreement with you and in an assuring gesture for Poe.

However, the three of you knew you couldn't dwell on it when you had a time limit and when everything seemed to be against you.

"Rey is leaving for Pasaana, Luke left some clues worth checking out."

You looked at Poe, then at her. "We'll go with her."

"I knew you'd say that."

Leia dismissed you, sending you to get ready for the mission.

Poe walked you to the cave, looking around to make sure you were alone. He had been shifty for the past few weeks, you didn't understand why.

You wouldn't ask either, the war had different effects on everybody.

“There’s something I wanna give you," he whispered as you entered the cave.

You saw Finn approaching so you gave Poe a nod.

“Later," you told him. "I need to change my shirt."

He groaned, but before he could complain, Finn called for him.

════════════════════════

You were shocked to hear Poe had never been to Pasaana before. Of course he couldn't possibly have visited every system in the galaxy, but in your head, he had. The best pilot in the Resistance had never visited the Middian system? Hard to believe.

"My father hated it."

Poe tilted his head back, looking at you. "Can I ask why?"

"He hated deserts."

"You come from a picky family."

"And you from a reckless one."

Finn groaned and turned to face you. "Don't get him started."

Yeah, Finn was right.

What wasn't right was landing just the day a festival was taking place. Even worse, Poe suggested splitting up and Finn, Rey, and you did it without questioning him.

The time limit was already taking a toll on everybody. Well, everybody but the locals.

After a close call, meeting General Calrissian, and a chase, you fell into sinking fields. Finn cryptically said he never told Rey something and that was the last thing you heard before Poe's panic overpowered yours.

Falling into a tunnel, you backed away from the spot you had fallen on and tried to look around. Luckily, everybody was okay — that place, however, made you more nervous than the sinking fields had.

Rey ignited her lightsber. And Poe, being Poe, turned his flashlight on as if it would ever shine enough light in comparison.

Not a word.

You rolled your eyes and activated your lightsaber too so there would be enough light for everybody.

Rey led the way with Finn trailing behind her. You walked behind Poe, lighting the way for him and Threepio.

“What were you going to tell me?” Rey asked Finn.

Finn attempted to lower his voice, but it echoed around the tunnel. “I’ll tell you later.”

“You mean when Poe’s not here?”

“Yeah. Mmhmm.”

“We’re gonna die in sand burrows and we’re all keeping secrets?” Poe reproached

“I’ll tell you when you tell us about all that shifty stuff you do.”

Poe?

He ignored Finn’s comment. And you.

Just when you thought you had found Ochi, and therefore the Wayfinder, you found Ochi’s bones.

“Bones." Poe grimaced and looked away. "I don’t like bones.”

What?

Long story.

Rey sensed horrible things had happened with the dagger which you didn't find shocking. Jedi hunters had been known to be ruthless.

“There’s writing on it.” Poe pointed out.

That caught Threepio's attention. “Perhaps I can translate. Oh! The location of the Wayfinder has been inscribed upon this dagger. It’s the clue that Master Luke was looking for.”

“Aaaand?” Poe encouraged Threepio to go on.

“Where’s the Wayfinder?” Finn desperately asked.

“I am afraid I cannot tell you.”

“20.3 fazillion languages, you can’t read that?”

The writing had been done in the runic language of the Sith, probably the same language Palpatine tried to lure you in with.

“My programming forbids me from translating it," Threepio lamented.

TC-862 wouldn’t give us this trouble, would he?

Never.

“So, you’re telling us the one time we need you to talk, you can’t?”

“Irony, sir.”

He’s got you there.

“I am mechanically incapable of speaking translation from Sith. I believe the rule was passed by the Senate of the Old Republic—“

A sandworm appeared behind Threepio. Rey and you lifted your lightsabers, Finn and Poe their blasters.

The creature snarled as Threepio yelled. A growl followed.

It’s hurt.

Rey made Poe lower his blaster and handed Finn her lightsaber. You looked away as she approached the sandworm.

Are you all right?

You don’t like bones, I don’t like serpents.

The creature growled and hissed.

“I’m gonna blast it.”

“Don’t blast it.”

Finn's right. What’s gotten into you today?

The serpent moaned, and you squeezed your eyes shut.

Don’t open your eyes. It’s almost gone.

As Poe sighed in relief, you opened your eyes.

BB-8 chirped.

“I just transferred a bit of life," Rey explained. "Force energy from me to him.”

Oh, no...

What?

Nothing.

More secrets...

He was one to talk.

Ochi's ship was filthy, you were almost certain it was useless. If Poe and Chewie weren’t there with you, you would have given up on it the moment you set your eyes on it.

You stumbled to the side, gasping. “Poe,” you blurted. “The knights...”

Poe inhaled. “We don’t have time for that. Just stay here and keep an eye on Rey. Finn, help me out here.”

Stay calm.

You didn't want to fight them, they were once everything you had. Now that you knew they had lied to you and used you, the idea of having considered them your brothers made you sick. But the revolting nature of their manipulation and consequent jealousy didn’t change the fact that you once cared about them.

The sooner you got over it, the sooner you could truly leave them in the past, would be the day you would know peace.

Chewie had left the ship in search of Rey too many minutes ago. Poe was antsy, Finn anxious.

“What’s she doing? Where the hell is Chewie?”

“They’re—”

“It’s Ren,” Finn spoke quicker than you.

Poe reached over and took you by the arm. “Don’t.”

“You told me I should be ready to face them.”

“I’m not letting you go out there.”

Rey tried to stop a transport from leaving the planet. She became stronger with the Force every day; it reminded you of Kylo.

If you hadn't seen it with your own eyes, you wouldn't have believed that Rey, your friend Rey, had just destroyed the transport she had been trying to stop. With Force lightning.

So that was why she was able to heal...

Poe let go of you. You heard him yell unintelligible words. The sight of lighting leaving Rey's fingers wouldn't stop replaying in your head.

You had witnessed horrible people doing amazing deeds, this didn’t have to mean anything serious. You firmly believed everybody had light and dark inside them, that included your incredibly powerful friend who had a force bond with your former master.

Rey hadn’t said it per se, but you didn’t need her to. The signs were there — and it was a problem.

The Sith rule of two had always been a poor attempt to artificially recreate a dyad. There weren’t any past examples of a dyad, it was only a prophecy, and you had a feeling the prophecy had been fulfilled.

Leia must have known too, she said Palpatine was after your connection with Poe. It made sense; it was terrifying, but it made sense.

“We only got eight hours left," Poe reminded you. As if he needed to. "So, what are we gonna do?”

“What can we do?" Finn asked, to then realistically add, "We gotta go back to base.”

“We don’t have time to go back. We are not giving up. If we do that, Chewie died for nothing.”

“Poe, Chewie had the dagger!”

“Well, then we gotta find another way.”

“Well, there isn’t. That was the only clue to the Wayfinder thing, and it’s gone.”

Threepio sighed. "So true, the inscription lives only in my memory now.”

“Hold on. The inscription that was on the dagger is in your memory?”

“Yes, Master Poe. But the translation from a forbidden language can not be retrieved. That is short of a complete redacted memory bypass.”

“A complete what?” Finn asked for clarification.

“It’s a terribly dangerous and sinful act performed on unwilling droids by dregs and criminals.”

“Let’s do that.”

“I know a black market droidsmith,” Poe announces. “But he’s on Kijimi...”

“What’s wrong with Kijimi?”

“I had a little bad luck on Kijimi. But if this mission fails, it’s all been for nothing. All we’ve done, all this time.”

“We’re all in this. Until the end.”

Rey took Finn's hand. “For Chewie.”

“Hands?” Poe asked, looking at Finn's hand.

“Hands," Finn confirmed.

Poe took Finn's hand and extended his free one. Threepio took Poe's hand, prompting you to take Threepio's in one of your own and Rey's in the other.

“For Chewie.”

Poe glared at you for letting Threepio take his hand instead of taking it yourself, but you left it for another time.

Kijimi’s climate was lovely. And that was about it, everything else put you more and more on edge as you followed Poe. Sneaking around Kijimi proved to be almost impossible. How did people manage to ever avoid stormtroopers in here?

It had been a miracle you hadn't gone through that when you visited Alaskan all those months ago. Its reputation still preceded it, for better or for worse.

Poe looked at both sides of the street. “All right. Let’s head down this way.”

A blaster was suddenly pressed at his head. “Heard you were spotted at Monk’s Gate. Thought ‘he’s not stupid enough to come back here'.”

“Oh, you’d be surprised.”

“Who’s this?” Rey asked.

“What’s going on?” Finn added.

“Guys, this is Zorii. Zorii, this is Rey, (Name), and Finn.”

Say the word and I’ll freeze her.

“I could pull this trigger right now," Zorii threatened.

“I’ve seen you do worse.”

“For a lot less.”

Easy.

That wouldn't make you calm down, he must have known that already.

“Can we just, uh... talk about this?”

“I wanna see your brains in the snow.”

I’m going to do it.

No.

“So you’re still mad?" Poe asked the obvious. "Zorii, we could use your help. We gotta crack this droid’s head open and fast.”

“Pardon me!”

“Shut up!” you snapped at Threepio.

“We’re trying to find Babu Frik.”

“Babu? Babu only works with the crew. That’s not you anymore.”

Rey couldn't help herself. “What crew?”

“Oh, funny he never mentioned it. Your friend’s old job was running spice.”

“You were a spice runner?” Finn's voice carried surprise.

That was your secret?

“You were a stormtrooper?”

You were a knight of Ren.

I’m not judging you. I thought it was something worse.

I could kiss you right now.

“Were you a spice runner?”

“Were you a scavenger? We could do this all night.”

“You don’t have all night.”

Poe, I’m going to fucking kill her if you don’t fix this right now.

“You know, I’m still digging out of the hole you put me in when you left to join the Resistance.” Zorii took a good look at the four of you. “You. You’re the one they’re looking for. Bounty for her might just cover us.”

Great, they were still looking for Rey.

I adore you, but I have to do this. I won’t let her harm any of you.

Poe quickly grabbed your hand, gripping it tightly. He exchanged a look with Finn and you felt an arm wrap around your shoulders.

“Djak’kankah!”

“Don’t djak’kankah!” Poe protested, squeezing your hand.

Rey acted quickly, using her staff and her lightsaber at the same time to disarm Zorii and attack her helpers.

“We could really use your help," Rey kindly said. "Please.”

Why is she being nice?

Sweetheart, we’ll be lucky to make it out of this alive. The galaxy is counting on us.

“Not that you care... but I think you’re okay.”

“I care.”

Rey withdrew her lightsaber and offered her hand to Zorii. She took Rey’s hand and turned to look at you once on her feet. She let out a low chuckle.

You ignored her, turning to look at Finn so he would let go of you. "Sorry," he whispered.

"I know, my friend, I know."

Poe didn't drop your hand as Zorii lead the way.

Why did you do that?

You would have killed her.

She was going to kill you.

Are we really about to have our first fight right now?

No.

Are you jealous?

No, I'm not a child.

Exchanging places, he let you walk in front of him and took your other hand. He drew circles on the back of your hand with his thumb. That's good. She's part of my past.

Are you trying to convince me or yourself?

I'm trying to let you know there's nothing to worry about.

I know, Poe, I can sense it.

Right.

Stopping out of a sudden, you parted your lips and looked around. Zorii stopped once she realized you weren't following her anymore. Trapped between Zorii and Poe, you looked behind to see if Rey or Finn had felt anything. They hadn't.

Zorii turned around to hurry you up. Poe put his other hand on your shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

“Did you sense that?” you breathlessly asked.

“No.”

“I think I sense Vicrul. The knights might be here.”

“We gotta move,” he said, softly pushing you forward.

Zorii continued leading the way. She said something you couldn’t quite catch, trying to keep your mind completely blank.

Poe slowly dropped your hand. You stood away from everybody, hoping they couldn’t hear your heavy breathing.

“I haven’t the faintest idea why I agreed to this," Threepio moaned, "I must be malfunctioning.”

You focused on hiding your signature. The knights weren’t strong enough to sense you if you weren’t too close, but they would recognize your signature immediately if they got to pick it up.

“It will cost a complete—“

“A complete memory wipe.”

You hoped they wouldn't find you before Babu Frik was done. Or before the translation was finished. Ap'lek had always been exceptionally good at tracking, there was a high chance they were outside already.

“Oh, please," Threepio startled you by exclaiming. "R2 storage units are famously unreliable.”

“You know the odds better than any of us," Rey said in her usually kind tone. "Do we have a choice?”

“If this mission fails, it was all for nothing. All we’ve done, all this time.”

Great, now he’s taking inspiration from you.

Hush. Poe’s voice carried sadness as he asked, “What are you doing there, Threepio?”

“Taking one last look, sir, at my friends.”

You hadn’t cried in years, but this talkative protocol droid had you close to tears.

"Night raids are going to start soon," Zorii announced. "I'll keep lookout."

"I'm coming with you," Poe immediately said.

Will you be okay?

Aren’t I always?

It's okay not to be.

What's that supposed to mean? Wait, wait, wait... do you want me to be jealous?

Maybe I do.

You just told me there isn't anything to worry about.

And there isn't! I just... well, it'd be kind of nice if you knew what it feels like.

You did understand what he meant, every time somebody mentioned Kylo, he would peer at you to see your reaction. Ever since you showed him that memory by mistake, he avoided mentioning the current Supreme Leader — and when he had to mention him, he referred to him as just that.

It must have been difficult to know the person he was... seeing... had been involved with the person who tortured him and violated his privacy.

His jealousy was understandable, you just wished he had brought it up earlier.

We're kinda busy at the moment.

Shit. We are.

The door hissed. Zorii and Poe hurried inside, running into the room.

Zorii yelled, “There’s an incoming destroyer."

“We gotta go now." Poe stood beside you. "Did we get it? Babu?”

“Yep. Droid is ready!”

The Wayfinder was in the Endor system and the blade would mark the way. Or something like that. You were too nervous to pay enough attention.

“We don’t have time,” you blurted. “The knights are close.”

Rey ran outside to inspect. “Ren’s destroyer.”

“He’s here?” Poe asked in panic.

“Chewie," Rey spoke softly.

Finn approached her. “What about him?”

“He’s on Ren’s ship. He’s alive.”

“What? How?”

“He’s alive! He must’ve been on a different transport.”

It was time to face your former friends. For Chewie, for the Resistance. As if reading your mind, Poe blocked the entrance for you. The exit, better said.

“Move," you told him.

"We'll go together."

“No. They’re here... I’ll distract them.”

“But—"

“It’s time to face them. I’ll be okay.”

His eyes glued you to your spot. He parted his lips, but the words seemed to get stuck in his throat as he made a guttural sound.

You gave him a tiny smile, one that you wished could be reassuring — you knew better than that, this was a war, and you had a ridiculous time limit.

Slowly, he moved to the side.

A sigh escaped you. This was it.

Rey led the way for Finn and Threepio. Poe hesitated.

He pulled you into a tight hug, arms wrapped around your neck as he inhaled your scent. "I'll see you in a few," he told you.

"Yeah," you said, unsure. Pushing him off you, towards Finn, Threepio, and Rey, you told him, "Go."

Poe craned his neck and looked back so you turned around and strut towards Zorii.

You hoped it wouldn't be the last time you saw Poe. Or your friends.

Zorii sighed deeply upon seeing you. "You Resistance people..."

You chuckled. “You need to get as many people as you can to safety. The knights don’t show mercy, and they aren’t dumb.”

She nodded. After a tiny pause, she asked, "How are you going to get out of this one?”

You took a breath. Begrudgingly, unbeknownst to her, you answered, “Fighting.”

She cocked her head. “You’re okay too.”

“So are you.” You nodded upward.

“When I’m not threatening Poe’s life.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Disgustingly. Go, I’ll cover you until you reach that door.” She pointed at a door a few meters to the north.

You gave her a sharp nod.

Vicrul found you first. You weren't surprised by it, he was the most Force-sensitive of them. You drew your saber, inviting him to put an end to the bond you had shared once and for all.

Vicrul had been your closest friend, you almost saw him as Marsolo's replacement. What a fool you had been.

He menacingly swung his scythe. Or at least attempted to. You weren't scared.

“Was betraying us even worth it?” He tilted his head. You wished he would face you without the stupid mask and the insulting modulator. You had shared meals, and accommodations, you had saved each other's lives once upon a time. Back when Palpatine's presence could only be a possibility in a child's nightmare. “You will lose.”

“Will giving up your freedom of doing whatever you wanted be worth it?" You mocked him by cocking your head too. "Because we're not losing."

He yelled, charging against you. Moving to the side, you felt the hand around the hilt of your saber shake. “Are you that eager to harvest my soul?”

You blocked his attack with your own weapon, staring right into where his eyes were supposed to be. How had you ever worn a cowl?

“Do it," you egged him on in a sneer, "I promise it will haunt you until your dying day."

Pushing further, you planted your feet between his, fitting your leg in the middle of his. His armor would protect him if you were to strike him with your saber.

"I. Wil. Haunt. You.” Lifting your other hand, you used the force to push him off.

As he recovered his stance, you struck, aiming at his scythe. Vicrul reacted without thinking, blocking your attempt at destroying his weapon.

"You are a fool! You never let go of that little girl too scared of what her powers could do."

Taking a shaky breath, you insisted, “You think I won’t do it?”

You kicked his right shin, making him lose his footing. "You will never know what having something to fight for feels like," you spat. Kicking him again, this time on the stomach, you lifted your saber.

Finally able to slash through Vicrul's scythe, you felt everything come to a halt. With a thud, your lightsaber fell to the ground.

Poe laid at your feet, staring up at you with lifeless eyes. There was dry blood at the top of his head. Finn stood next to you, shaking as he gazed down at his friend.

"I knew you would kill him. I told him he was wrong about you!"

The cold muzzle of a blaster rested on the side of your head. "I should kill you, I should send you to hell for doing this."

You looked away from Poe's motionless figure, staring at the ground beside him. The stench of blood filled your senses, the crimson pool near Poe's head drying already.

Unable to help it, your eyes dragged their way back to him. His short hair covered in blood and his now pale clean-shaven face were a reminder of your failure.

Short hair...

"This is not real." You shook your head. Closing your eyes, you considered reaching Poe —your Poe— but it could wait. He had to be okay. Going forward, you dissipated the nebulousness around you. "You're wasting your time, Vicrul. I don't fear you like the innocent people you prey upon do."

You brought your lightsaber back into your grasp with the Force. The orange blade against Vicrul's neck made him lift his arm in a surrendering gesture.

He was trying to trick you.

Tilting your head, eyes on him as you focused, you slowly lifted your hand. He fought against your mind probe at first, growling and mumbling he wouldn't give in.

He did. He might have been more powerful than the others, but he didn't know how to use the Force.

You saw memories in which you appeared, training sessions, and snippets of missions. Then you got what you were there for.

A frail-looking Palpatine spoke to the knights, forcing them to look at him and him only. Vicrul's fear flowed through both of you as you continued probing his mind.

Funny. You had always considered him the bravest of the knights.

“Does it scare you?" you genuinely inquired, "Knowing you will die for nothing?”

“You’re in no position to speak that way," Ap'lek spoke from behind you.

Ah, the tracker had arrived. You moved to the side, not giving any of them your back. Ap'lek scoffed.

You scoffed back. “You really think the Resistance will be intimidated by you, huh. Same mistakes as your master.”

“He is your master too," Vicrul said.

“I don’t have a master," you reminded them. You weren't one of them anymore, thankfully. "And I wasn’t speaking about Kylo.”

Vicrul tackled you to the ground. Your lightsaber fell from your grip for what you assumed wouldn't be the last time that night.

You blocked a punch, wiggling under his heavy bulk. You were probably heavier than him without the armor. “You should have killed me when you had the chance. When the jealousy started.”

Pressing the back of your hands against your chest, you used the Force to push him away from you.

Vicrul's body clashed against a wall and fell face down on the snow.

Ap'lek circled you as you stood up.

He wasn't as scary now that you saw him. He used to terrify you with his Mandalorian ax and his martial skills. Oh, Kriff, you hoped you wouldn't have to fight him hand-to-hand.

“You think I didn’t sense it?” you continued talking. “Little boys jealous of a woman who knew what had to be done... but the Emperor needed me, didn’t he? And how could any of you become anything more than lap dogs?”

Your lightsaber ignited itself as you recovered it. Ap'lek tried to reach his smoke canister, but you stopped him with the Force.

“You can't even own up to it. How pathetic.”

Ap'lek pointed his Mandalorian ax at you. “You will regret this.”

“I don’t think so.” Deactivating your saber, you looked at him. “You won’t win. Tell your precious Emperor I said that.”

Beckoning Ap'lek closer with a movement of your hand, you encouraged him, "Do it, kill me. You still won't win."

You didn't have to tell him twice, and perhaps you shouldn't have taunted him. Up until now, you had forgotten his ax had vibro-tech.

Searing pain brought you to your knees and hands as he sliced your thigh.

A tug prompted you to look around. Oh, Stars, not now. You lifted your hand which made you fall face flat onto the snow. Rolling onto your healthy side, you tried again.

This time, you were able to freeze Ap'lek.

Are you there?

Kinda busy, Poe. What is it?

If I die, I want you to know...

You won't die.

He couldn't. Not now. And not before you.

Finn and I were caught. They're going to execute us.

You unconsciously let go of your hold on Ap'lek.

There has to be a way.

I love— The connection faded.

You pushed yourself up. Ap'lek charged towards you, throwing punches. He was quicker than you, stronger, and most importantly: he wasn't injured.

The pain in your thigh was nothing compared with the desperate need to be up there.

You sloppily threw punches at Ap'lek, stumbling onto your uninjured side. Your only hope was to summon your lightsaber and see if the Force was somewhat on your side.

Igniting your saber once back in your grasp, you pressed it against his armor and slashed across his stomach. "So much for stealth, huh."

You wanted to kill him, to simply impale him and watch your blood mix with his on the snow until his body had drained and the snow, in its crimson rage, could match the anger flowing through you.

It had been dearly missed. But it wasn't home, not anymore. Home was Poe, and you were losing home.

You struck him again, panting as you failed to do the damage you should have made, the damage he deserved to suffer.

Exhaustion was getting the best of you. Tiredness had never been heavier, perhaps because you had never felt this much pain before. You were so heartbroken you weren't sure you even wanted to make it out of Kijimi anymore.

The Resistance needed you. Rey was up there, alone... she didn't need you, she could make it out of there by herself. But you wanted to help her — even if it was the last thing you did.

A shot hit you on the side you were holding your lightsaber, right in the arm, making you bring your other hand to the wound to try and stop the bleeding as your body hit the snowy ground.

Cardo lifted Ap'lek. "We gotta go."

Trudgen ran behind Cardo. He glanced at you. "Do I finish her?"

"Not now," Cardo spoke with disgust, much like Trudgen just had. "Take Vicrul."

Sweetheart?

You sobbed against the snow, laying there for a moment as the cold eased the pain on your thigh.

Poe.

We have the Falcon.

Rolling onto your other side so the snow would have the same effect on your arm, you did your best to continue communicating with Poe. Go. I’ll get to base later.

I’m not leaving without you.

Trust me.

Wait. I see you.

You looked up, grunting as a pang of pain hit your arm. The Falcon loomed above you.

I see you too.

Are you hurt?

Just taking a break.

The ramp opened, and Finn walked out, offering his hand to you. You secured your lightsaber in your belt and used the Force to jump up.

Pursing your lips, you whined as you hit your knee. Finn helped you up, holding you tightly with an arm around your middle.

"She's injured," Finn yelled.

You shushed him. He gave you an apologetic smile, guiding you to the seat behind Poe's.

Poe turned around. His eyes traveled up and down your body. The tear in your pants caught his attention. “You’re hurt.”

"It's just a little cut. How about you?"

“Just a little cut too." He twisted his mouth. "Well, blaster wound..."

"Of course it is."

"Well, I'm not bleeding."

You swatted your hand, pointing forward. "Pay attention."

"We're waiting for Rey's signal."

You wondered why the knights were in a rush. They didn't mention Kylo so you could only assume Palpatine had summoned them.

Finn ran outside again, this time to help Rey in. She stopped right in her tracks as she found her place already taken by Poe.

Rey hesitated, unsure as to where to go. You patted your healthy leg. "Here."

Doing so, she planted her hand on your other thigh.

You bit your lip, trying to suppress a growl. Rey caught it, she probably sensed your pain too and jumped off your lap.

"No, no." You brought Rey back onto your healthy thigh. "This leg is fine."

"I could heal you."

"Save your energy."

"Like you didn't save yours?"

"Yes, Dameron, she should learn from my mistakes."

That shut him up.

The landing, while rough, wasn't the worst part of finally arriving at Kef Bir. Rey had done her best to fix the ship, but the landing was still rough.

She led you up a steep using the coordinates you had gotten from Threepio. Your legs burned by the time you stood on the edge of the cliff.

The sea below you beautifully stretched into fog, You would have stayed there for a long time if you could, watching the water swell and clash as it mixed with froth.

The fog cleared. Finn gasped as the remains of a ship appeared whilst your view of the ocean expanded.

There was no way to get to the Wayfinder, not now. Thankfully, you had made new friends — at least Jannah sounded friendly as she explained Babu Frik had sent a transmission.

"Maybe we could... use the Force?" you suggested upon finding out Rey wouldn't be able to reach the wreckage unless the tide was low. "Lift you up and guide you there?"

Rey wasn't having it. "You are injured!"

"Well, yes, but this is more important."

"No." She shook her head. "I won't let you do that."

Poe crossed his arms. "Me neither."

"I agree."

"Finn!"

"Sorry, but they're right."

Fixing the ship was the only thing you had left to do.

Jannah stared at your leg. "Do you need medical attention?"

"I can do it myself," you assured her.

She nodded. "A ride?"

You opened your mouth to reassure her you didn't want to bother her. However, Poe spoke before you, "Yes, she needs to rest."

Jannah lifted her eyebrows, staring at you. With a sigh, you nodded. "Please."

You had never ridden a beast, and you would never admit it, but it was better than riding a speeder. It couldn't beat flying in general, but it was even close to that.

You sat in the medical bay, staring down at your thigh. Had Ap'lek spared you? His vibro ax could penetrate anything. Your leg shouldn't be there anymore.

It was a miracle you only had a deep wound.

Poe kneeled at your feet. "You might need to, uh, take them off."

Your pants, he meant.

"Yeah, I know."

"Well?"

"Go fix the ship," you told him. "I can do this by myself."

"I don't think—"

"My father was a doctor! I know what I'm doing."

Poe looked up, taken aback. "I didn't know that."

"Now you do," you mumbled. "I'll join you when I'm done."

You felt bad for snapping at him, but you didn't want him to worry about you when more important matters were at hand.

The wound on your arm healed rather quickly, it didn't even need that much bacta gel. Your thigh, however, would need weeks.

With a bandaged thigh, you joined Poe and Threepio. Just as you were about to ask if you could help with anything, BB-8 rolled in.

BB-8 chirped. He hadn't seen Rey.

"Stay here." Poe pointed at you with a stern look.

You nodded.

Poe was in a bad mood when he came back. He continued fixing the ship in silence and you couldn't even sense what he was feeling.

"What's up?" you worriedly asked.

"Nothing."

"Poe, you can't lie to me."

"Rey went to the wreckage by herself and time's almost up. We don't know how to get to Exegol or what we'll find."

"We know one part."

"Palpatine and his weird followers."

You hummed. "But that's not everything, is it?"

"I'll tell you later."

You had to bite your tongue to not remind him there might not be a later.

Loss stabbed at you, filling your soul with emptiness. You stood up, walking away from Poe, Threepio, and Chewie.

Back in the medical bay, you let out a sob. Leia was gone. And you would probably fail her.

You would fail the only person who had consistently fought for the galaxy, the person who had given everything so others could have hope and a better future.

You hadn't cried in so long...

Why the Force decided that you had to become this emotional on the most crucial day of the war escaped you. It couldn't possibly be that against you, not when you had always loved it with so much reverence.

Back when you were a child and your mother told you stories about fighting alongside Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa, you decided you would give yourself to the Force and be like him.

It didn't work out that way. You were too angry, your father said, you would only bring suffering to people through the Force.

So you up and left, broke his heart, and proved him right.

If only you had listened to your mother more carefully when she told you about Leia.

You were proud to have served her for a little over a year, and you knew that somewhere, through the Force, your parents were proud you had gotten to do so too.

What a cruel and marvelous thing destiny was.

"Baby?"

You gazed at the doorway where Poe was standing.

Squeezing your eyes so your last tears would fall, you asked, "Did you feel it, Poe?"

"Feel what?"

You shook your head. He would find out soon.

"Come here," you softly told him, "there's some bacta gel left."

"I don't need it." He still stepped inside and approached you.

"I can see the blood in those bandages, Dameron."

You pursed your lips as he sat down. Standing up, you unwrapped the bandages on his arm. Applying bacta gel, you focused only on his wound.

How would he take it? You didn't want to know, to see. So you kept him out of your head.

════════════════════════

It was happening again. Just like you hadn't been able to mourn either of your parents or your sister, you wouldn't have time to mourn your general.

While not completely unexpected because you had seen her get weaker, you didn't think it would happen so soon.

You didn't even think it would happen. You thought this would end and she would get better.

You had been naive. And now there was a high chance everybody else would die too.

At least you would die surrounded by the people you had grown to love.

"Air team's going to find the tower," Finn explained the most crucial part of the plan, "ground team's going to blast it."

Poe added, "Once the tower's down, the fleet will be stuck in atmo.... for just minutes, with no shields, and no way out."

"We think hitting the cannons might ignite the main reactors," Rose mused.

Well, you knew in which team you would be.

As much as you would have loved to be with the others, following Finn and Jannah on an orbak, you knew you would be more useful on foot, with Rose, Connix, and Beaumont.

Your blaster was secured at your non-dominant side while you held your lightsaber in your dominant hand.

As a Sith troop landed ahead, you all spread formation and began providing cover. Connix, Rose, and Beaumont fired back while you re-directed the shots back to the troopers with your lightsaber.

Finn tossed a bomb at a squad and knocked most of them out. You glanced at Beaumont who gave you a nod.

You ran towards Finn and Jannah who were grabbing their bags to jump from their orbaks. Sprinting along the hull with them, you continuously looked down to make sure BB-8 was keeping up.

You should have never doubted him.

A lander touched down on the surface. Red Stormtroopers poured out, some of them with jetpacks.

Finn huffed, sick of them already. He fired back at them while you continued with your strategy of only re-directing their shots back to them. You had to save your energy.

"This is it," Finn yelled as you reached the nav deck.

"BB-8, do your thing," Jannah said as she whipped her bow.

You drew your blaster and deactivated your lightsaber. Jannah and you fired shots, covering Finn and BB-8 — she was quicker than you even though you had it easier with the blaster.

Almost there... Just one more bit of putty...

"Finn?"

He frowned. Shaking his head, he gave you and Jannah the signal. The three of you ducked with your hands over your heads.

Still, your eyes rang as he triggered the explosion. The lights went dark.

Inhaling deeply, you tried to reach out to him. Finn? Can you hear me? You were projecting your thoughts...

His eyes went wide. Second time that happens today...

Be careful. This place is filled with the dark side of the Force.

Finn gave you a nod.

Following him and Jannah, BB-8 and you raced after the orbak company to the lander. Finn came to a halt as blaster fire erupted all around you.

He made a face. "They're resetting their systems."

"So?"

"I gotta do something," he told Jannah.

"I'm staying with you," she assured him.

"Me too."

Finn gazed at you, anguish clear in his usually comforting eyes. "If something happens to you, Poe will—"

You cut him off, "He'll have the same reaction if something happens to you."

"Your leg..."

"It's fine," you insisted. "The bacta gel I applied is helping."

He gave you both a nod and again, you followed them, this time toward the cannon.

You took care of ground troopers as Jannah did the same with jet troopers, covering Finn as he reached the gigantic gun barrel.

"Go without us," Finn spoke into his comm. "We're taking this entire ship down." After a pause, he explained, "We're gonna hit the command deck. Rose, please. Go."

You looked away as you heard him mention Rose's name. You wished you had said goodbye to her, just in case.

You missed a shot as something shifted inside you. A memory of Vicrul, from the day you joined the Knights, came to you. It went away as quickly as it came, and you knew that meant he was gone too.

Before you could even give Jannah and Finn the news, a sense of despair took over you.

Just as quickly, your heart leaped in your chest, something that you hadn't experienced before. Looking up, as the lighting shifted, you watched in disbelief, as a fleet of... fleets popped into sight.

You wished Leia could be there to see it. She deserved to have been there to do so, to know she had been right a year ago when she assumed people would come.

Finn went back to work which was your cue to resume firing. Jannah had already beat you to it, just like you knew she would.

Something shot up from the planet, destroying and attracting everything in its path.

Stumbling forward, you rested a hand on Jannah's back to steady yourself. Poe's grief was so strong that tears streamed down your face without any other sign of crying.

Jannah didn't look at you, she let you regain your composure and continued keeping jet troopers off Finn's back.

You inhaled deeply, sniffing as you did so, and started shooting too.

Everything was ready, Finn and Jannah were sure this would work and you had no reason to doubt them. That was until the cannon fired a blast and they didn't move.

The hull beneath you came apart, forcing you to cling to the upper part, dipping your heads to get out of the way of debris.

You would die there, fighting for the Resistance, without telling your loved ones how you felt about them.

You slid first, then Finn who held Jannah. You thought about Rey, hoping she would make it out of there unlike you.

Rose came to mind then, the way she had quickly learned to trust you once you started trying to get close to the people in the base.

And Poe. Poe never left your mind, his Force signature was etched in your entire being. But you weren't ready to say goodbye.

You kept him out of your head. He would soon know you hadn't made it out of the Steadfast in time. He did try to reach you, of course he did, and you almost gave in, you almost selfishly let him in so you would die with his voice in your head.

The Falcon's hull rose below you. Jannah, Finn, and you held hands and at Finn's signal, you ran as the hull got closer.

You leaped, knowing whatever happened now, would be the will of the Force.

Chewie welcomed you at the hatch and as the three of you dropped in, you felt another shift in the Force.

Finn staggered, having felt it too.

"Rey..."

No, no, no, it couldn't be...

As you tried to help him up, doing your best not to match his tears, your stomach flipped. Falling to your knees, letting Finn go in the process, you felt tears burn in your eyes as grief filled you.

You pushed yourself up and made a beeline for the med bay.

Crying there was becoming a habit, mourning Leia's family in the ship that had belonged to her husband sounded fitting.

Kylo was gone. You hadn't realized you constantly felt your former master until he was gone.

Would you have to tell Chewbacca that Han and Leia's son was dead too? You had seen his reaction earlier, you didn't want to know how he would take the news.

Wiping your tears, you cleaned your nose and decided you would do it if needed, they deserved that much.

════════════════════════

The trop lander touched down just after the Falcon. BB-8 rolled down the ramp, followed by Rose.

She smiled upon seeing you, face so bright and warm you didn't think twice before running toward her.

You wrapped your arms around Rose's neck, bringing her into your shoulder. She rubbed your back in a comforting gesture and you let out a sob. How did she know that was exactly what you needed?

"We're safe," she reminded you. "We made it."

"Yeah," you sniffed.

She squeezed you, but as steps approached, she let go of you.

Poe grabbed you by the waist, pulling you into his chest. You snaked your arms around him, pressing your face dampened by tears against his shirt.

"I told you not to do that to me ever again," he gruffly reminded you.

"I never promised anything," you rasped.

Poe scoffed. "How's your leg?"

"It's fine." You nuzzled against his dirty shirt. “Your arm?”

“It barely hurts.” He pulled away. “How many more people do you think we can fit in the cave right now?”

You tilted your head, trying to visualize the cave. “20, maybe. But… there are more caves around here.”

He motioned for Finn to join you both. Finn wrapped an arm around each of you as Poe explained the base would be fuller now. Hope coated his voice in the same way it filled Finn’s eyes.

The Resistance would be more than okay in their hands.

Just as Finn suggested finding another cave to ensure everybody who decided to stay would fit, Luke Skywalker’s X-Wing landed.

Rey’s relief washed over you as she approached the three of you, as if she hadn’t been able to breathe properly until she caught sight of her friends.

The four of you were tired, your clothes were dirty and torn, but you made it, just like Rose said. And you would always have each other, you didn’t need anything else.

Well, yes, getting cleaned up.

You weren't the only one in need of a shower or a fresh change of clothes, but you definitely were the only one in need of medical attention.

The gash on your leg refused to heal. The bacta should have done the same job it did on your arm, but you needed more. Doctor Kalonia's question about the injury made you once again wonder if you were spared. It wasn't like Ap'lek to show mercy.

Now with the proper treatment, you went back outside. Poe smiled at you, enticing you to come closer.

Before you could reach him, Rey took your hand. Inhaling, she gazed at you. “Can we talk?”

You nodded. She led the way to her workshop where she sat on the bench and made you do the same.

Her hand squeezed yours. “Ben’s dead.”

“I felt it.”

She gave you a sad smile. “You were a good apprentice to him.”

“Why are you trying to comfort me? I should be the one—” Fear filled you as you interrupted yourself. “What does it feel like?”

“Like a part of me is dead.”

You gazed into her eyes. They were sad, they probably would always be, but they hadn’t lost their spark. “Do you think it would be different for me?”

Her forehead twitched. She understood quickly what you meant. “I don’t know how different a Force-bond and a dyad are.”

Your eyes moved off her towards the crowd of people. Poe was talking to Lando, nodding along as Lando told him what looked like to be a story.

“I also don’t think you need the bond to feel that way,” Rey said, regaining your attention.

“You’ll be a good master.”

She coyly smiled. “I have a lot to learn.”

“You’ve already learned the most important part, Rey. Give yourself some credit.”

Blinking rapidly, she squeezed your hand again. “Will you come with me?”

“Come?” you asked, confused. “Where? You are not leaving us, are you?”

“Not leaving, no, but the galaxy will need us.”

“And we will be there,” you assured her.

“But you don’t want to be a Jedi.” She worried at her lip as you shook your head. “You won’t have to give him up.”

“It isn’t just about Poe,” you confided in her. “I wish it was. I wish my feelings for him were the only thing keeping me from becoming what I dreamt of as a child.” It was hard to admit when you had repressed it for so long, but if somebody deserved to know everything behind your reasoning, it was Rey. “I am not a child anymore… I can’t be a Jedi, much less a master with somebody to guide.”

“There are Force-sensitive people out there who will need training.”

You agreed, you felt it everywhere you went. “Finn would be more suited for it than me, he’s more patient.”

“You’re scared you’ll fail.”

“Yes.” It felt good to admit it. “I’ve failed many times in my life already, I’ve disappointed many people.”

She tried to protest, but she decided she would listen to what you had to add first.

“I can’t fail you, or Poe, or Finn, or Rose… I can’t fail my stepmother and my stepbrother. I won’t fail Leia, and I won’t fail the Resistance.”

Rey smiled, big and bright. And you understood that your resolve was enough for her, that you truly had found your place. Standing up, she announced she would give you time alone and slowly walked away from you.

“Will you fail me?”

You jumped off your seat. “Master!” You bowed, perhaps a bad habit. Ben, as you had never been allowed to call him, sat where Rey had just been holding your hand. Blue light surrounded him as the Force enveloped him. “I’m afraid I already did.”

He shook his head. “If anything, I failed you.”

“I’m choosing to make a distinction between the person you were supposed to be and the one you became. I might be wrong, and my forgiveness might be judged, you made mistakes and took many lives.” You gave him a sad smile. “But so did I.”

“You were a good apprentice. A bit too emotional, but a good apprentice.”

“I’m sorry about the knights.”

He sadly nodded. “They’re dead.”

“I felt Vicrul’s death.”

He looked into the distance, surely at Rey. “I’m sorry for what I put you through.”

“Don’t.” You shifted in your seat as you told him, “The worst part wasn’t even bestowed upon me.”

“What was?”

“When you tortured Poe.”

His attention was back on you. He analyzed you, then huffed a laugh. “You know, I’m starting to think the Force makes mistakes.”

"He's great," you defended your infatuation. "You would hate him."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Poe's... Poe. He would drive you crazy. Stars, he drives me crazy."

"You admire him," he concluded.

"Pathetically."

"It can't be that bad."

"Oh, it's bad." You weren't ashamed to admit you were madly in love with Poe. "He committed mutiny and I thought it was the greatest thing ever."

"You always had an odd taste," he said as though it was common knowledge. "Remember when Vicrul was convinced you had a crush on Hux?"

"Hux was a little bit cute when we arrived."

"Yeah..."

"Oh? Something you wanna share?"

"Shut up."

It was like you were finally knowing the real him.

And it was too late.

"Will I ever see you again?"

"A part of me will always be with you. Our bond was real, (Name), Masters and apprentices will always be tied through the Force." He nodded in an assuring gesture. It was a rare sight, you would never forget it. "Now go, you deserve to celebrate and rest."

"Thank you,” you hurried to talk before he disappeared. “For saving Rey."

"Thank you for being loyal to my mother and her cause."

"It's been a pleasure."

He smiled and it was like you were seeing Leia for the last time. "May the Force be with you, (Name)"

"And with you, Master Ben."

You didn’t get to relish on the closure the conversation had brought you. Somebody yelled your name.

Blonde hair and an arm in a cast were the first things you saw. It was Marsolo.

“Brother!” You ran, meeting him in the middle. He wasn’t alone, Rose was next to him. “I didn’t know you were here.”

“Rose was showing me around.”

Rose blushed under your gaze. “I’ll give you some privacy.”

BB-8 joined you, stopping just next to you. It was as though he was trying to protect you, pressing his bulk against your calf.

"How's the baby?" Marsolo asked.

"Baby?" It suddenly hit you. "Oh! Uh, well—"

BB-8 let out a few beeps in rapid succession.

You looked down at the droid. "No, buddy, there's no baby."

"There's no baby?!" Marsolo screeched.

"No, I lied!" you explained, exasperated as BB-8 circled you. "It was a lie—"

BB-8 interrupted you.

"I would have told you if I was pregnant!" You sighed as the droid continued beeping. He wasn't having it. "Well, yes, we've slept in the same cot, but— BB-8, please, stop this."

Did astromechanic droids even know how babies were made? Then again, BB-8 was special...

"I didn't trust the people you were with and..." You sighed, hanging your head forward. "I'm sorry."

"I was worried you had fallen so hard for the Commander you had forgotten your self-preservation skills."

"General," you proudly corrected Marsolo, even though you wished the promotion had happened in other circumstances. "And I'm not sure I've remembered all those skills, but I survived the worst part."

BB-8 poked you. Looking down, you lifted your eyebrows, silently asking him what was wrong.

The droid beeped loudly.

"Come on, buddy, it was a lie!"

He rolled away from you, letting out beeps that sounded like wails.

"Don't move," you told Marsolo. You hadn’t even gotten to hug him again.

You must have looked insane, chasing a droid into the jungle as people around you drank and laughed.

"Hey, BB-8... bub... come on, talk to me."

The new noun made him stop.

"Poe isn't going to replace you." You were sure Poe would die for the droid. "W—what? Poe and I haven't talked about... kids... or about anything regarding our relationship, really."

The beeps were less frantic now.

"Nobody is taking Poe away from you," you assured the droid. "You just gotta share him a little bit with me."

You nudged him to the side, so you would get closer to camp. BB-8 obeyed, prompting you to speak as you walked. “Look, even if I... even if I didn't have feelings for Poe, I would care about you.”

It was mutual. BB-8 was so like Poe in many things, you were convinced they were meant to be together because of how similar they were.

You sat on the ground to rest, feeling a pang of pain in your thigh. BB-8 stopped in front of you.

"I understand your fear.”

The droid settled beside you, encouraging you to explain yourself.

"I'm scared of losing him too."

BB-8 whistled, craning his head to the side, brushing your shoulder. You rested your head on top of his. He beeped.

"Yeah, the humidity sucks."

You had a perfect view of Poe from there, his relaxed shoulders as he talked to Finn and Connix, the movement of his hands as he made emphasis, and how at ease Finn and Connix looked with him.

He briefly looked at you and a smile immediately adorned his face. Connix elbowed him on the side and Poe begrudgingly took his eyes off you.

“I think Beaumont had a little too many. Look at him," Connix said with amusement.

Poe's heart skipped a beat as he heard your laugh. “There’s a beautiful woman laughing with my droid and you want me to look at Beaumont?”

"Go talk to the beautiful woman, then."

"Careful, Finn."

Finn smiled, shaking his head. "You are impossible."

Poe knew he was. Sometimes.

He had assumed he would spend the rest of his life feeling lonely because of that. He was impossible, many people said, too stubborn.

What would have happened if the Force didn't will him to be connected to you, he didn't know, he also didn't want to find out.

Not when after so long, he felt complete again. When he found somebody who understood. Or perhaps you found him.

He felt giddy as you lifted your head, gazing at him as though he was the only thing around you.

“Having fun without me?” Poe teasingly asked. BB-8 chirped. Poe lifted an eyebrow. “Oh, so you were playing a game, huh?”

That was one way to call chasing a jealous droid around.

"Yeah, just having fun."

"Without me? Sweetheart, I'm hurt."

He sat at your other side, draping his arm over your shoulders as he got comfortable. "Marsolo had a lot to say."

"About the non-existent baby?"

Poe hummed. "Wait, is this your way to tell me you want a baby?"

You didn't want to have that conversation right now. There were many things unclear still, about your relationship to him, about the Resistance, about the entire galaxy.

BB-8 chirped.

"Yeah, I was just trying to make sure we were talking about the same thing." Good job, bub.

"He says he always wanted to be an uncle."

"BB-8 can give him the experience."

The droid made an agreeing sound, making you laugh. Poe laughed too — his laugh was rich, full of mischief.

"Hey, buddy," Poe told BB-8, "why don't you go make sure Rey isn't causing too much havoc?"

BB-8 beeped a goodbye as he rolled away from you, making people move to the side so he could reach Rey quickly. You laughed again. He was like a kid in many ways.

"I didn't get to tell you what I wanted to say earlier." His attempt at being nonchalant by looking up at the sky failed.

But you didn't tell him that. “You don’t have to say it if you’re not ready. It can wait.”

“But it can’t!" He drew a breath in, casting his eyes down for a second. "It’s been eating at me since we got to Kijimi. And then... you were gonna kill Zorii for me.”

“I would burn down the entire galaxy for you.”

Poe rested his chin on your shoulder, pressing his forehead against your cheek. “How about something harder than that?”

“What do you mean?”

“I won’t let the New Republic make the same mistake. The Resistance won’t end with the war.”

Twisting your body, prompting him to move his head, you reached over and took his hand. “The war hasn’t ended. Some planets will make contact, whether official or not... Civil Wars will break out, people will want to take their territory back.”

He sighed. "And there will always be something lurking in the shadows."

"Exactly."

“Will you face it with me? Whatever it is?"

“Of course I will, General.”

“I’m not asking as your general.”

You squeezed his hand. “Poe, there’s nowhere else I’d want to be.”

Poe removed his hand from yours. His eyes shifted from your face to his lap a few times.

"What is it?"

"There's something I've been meaning to give you." He withdrew his arm from around your shoulders, bringing both hands to the back of his neck.

He unclasped his chain and slid something off it before dropping it into your hand. "It was my mom's."

You had seen the ring around his neck before and assumed it was a family heirloom, but you never thought he would like to give it to you.

"I can't accept this. Your mom would want you to keep it."

"I want you to have it." He enveloped your hand with his, making you close your fist around the ring. "It's yours, it's meant to be yours."

Did he even know what giving you his mother's wedding ring meant?

"I know what it means, I'm not stupid."

Don't be nosy.

You projected your thoughts.

"Well, I'm nervous!"

"Do I make you nervous?" He didn't even try to hide his delight.

"Sometimes." You looked down at the ring on your palm. "I don't think it will fit and I would hate to ruin it."

"Here." He took the ring and put it back in the chain. "Turn around."

You gave him your back. Goosebumps erupted down your spine as he breathed in your ear while leaning in to secure the chain around your neck.

Poe kissed your cheek once he was done. “I love you.”

You took the chain between your fingers, grazing the ring as you did so. His eyes were on you, heavy and expectant.

Grabbing him by the face, you pulled him into a kiss. Poe curled his arms around you, preventing you from pulling away soon by biting your bottom lip.

Against his lips, you said, “I love you too. So much.”

“I know, baby," he happily sighed, planting his hands on your lower back, "I know.”

"Yeah?"

"Mmhmm, I sense it."

"Good." You slid a hand into his curls and kissed him again, opening your mouth to give his tongue entrance.

You could taste something sweet on his tongue and the spice from the beverage he had been sharing with friends.

You wondered if he could taste the toothpaste in your mouth and if it bothered him that the freshness would ruin the pleasant warmth that had lingered.

I don't mind.

You pulled away, practically laughing on his mouth. Poe laughed too before immediately capturing your bottom lip between his lips.

What's so funny, huh?

As though taunting you, he drove his hips forward, pressing his crotch to yours.

You already had known he would be a tease, but you wished you didn't have to find out with that many people around.

Once again breaking the kiss, you commented, "I left Marsolo hanging earlier..."

Arms still tight around you, Poe tried to stop you from moving. "He can wait."

"He's my brother."

Poe grumbled.

You pressed your fingertips against his scalp, massaging it. "Don't be mad."

He leaned his head forward, resting his forehead on your shoulder. "I'm not mad."

"You look mad."

He left a kiss on your clothed arm. "Let's go with frustrated."

"Poe," you whined. You understood what he meant, but you were sure he could wait an hour or two. "He came to help."

"And I'm so grateful, honey, you can't even begin to imagine." Shifting, he pecked your neck. "We should let him get some rest."

It was so tempting to finally get away from everybody and spend time with Poe... getting laid would be nice too, that much you knew both of you were looking for.

You never thought you'd take part in a war, much less that said war would get in the way of your sex life.

Poe gripped your waist with both hands, bringing you with him as he walked. You understood he was taking you away from the camp, but you didn't try to protest. He was right, Marsolo deserved some rest.

You could barely see anything anymore once you stopped. Night had fallen hours ago and the trees were so thick moonlight didn't reach the area.

Poe pressed you against the bark of a tree, kissing you again. You clumsily dragged your hands over his shoulder blades, then down his chest.

"Better get used to this, baby," he breathlessly told you. "At least until we find a better base with proper quarters."

You hummed, too busy trying to unbutton his shirt.

"Unless you're an exhibitionist?"

You hit his shoulder, then went back to the task at hand.

His stubble tickled your skin as he nuzzled his face against you. His mouth led him to victory as he attached his lips to your neck.

You lowly moaned as he found your pulse point. He smirked, giving tiny kisses to the area. "Can you straddle me? Or does your leg hurt?"

"I can."

"Okay." He briefly pulled away, grabbing your arms to switch places with you.

Poe sat down, back against the tree and fingers searching for yours. Intertwining your fingers with his, you opened your legs.

You didn't think the Force would ever be that useful in this context, but straddling him was relatively easy thanks to it. And to his signature, but you wouldn't have sensed him without the Force.

Poe's hands immediately rested on your lower back, yours on his shoulders.

You wished you could have more self-control, that your first reaction hadn't been grinding against him.

He didn't mind, too busy sucking your neck. The scratch of his stubble and the warmth of his mouth only added fuel to the fire in your lower half.

Your breath hitched as he started guiding your hips and he opened his mouth in a silent gesture of pleasure.

Not gonna last if you keep that up.

You're the one guiding me.

You're the one making it really hard not to fucking come, sweetheart.

But that wasn't your intention and soon enough he was deep inside you. Your clothes were a mess as you rode him half-naked, sticking to your damp skin.

You hid your face in his shoulder, biting on his skin to keep yourself from moaning too loud. You could never be too safe.

And by the way he covered his mouth with his hand, he agreed.

Neither of you wanted to move, so you stayed there for a while, on his lap, with his cock still inside you. In his arms, playing with his hair.

Poe kissed you softly. He wasn't alone anymore.

[ladyhearthkeeper]

A few thoughts on anger from the perspective of a gentle soul

You are allowed to feel anger.

I know that many women (myself included) don’t want to let themselves feel angry. We want to be gentle, soft... We don’t want to be angry women.

But we have the right to feel anger (for whatever reason there is) or frustration.

What is important is what to do with that anger.

I know I barely have to remind you of this : do not splatter other people with that anger. Especially not those who are under your care.  If you’re angry and feel like it’s spilling over. Ask someone else to take care of your kids and step away until you feel better. If you cannot. Find a technique to keep the anger at bay (I will deal with this emotion later for ex.) until you are alone. Don’t be verbally or physically abusive with others, especially your family Some people don’t even realize it (especially in the case of verbal abuse) so be very careful. If you’re angry with someone : wait until you’re calm and rational (no one is very rational while angry) to resolve the issue with them.

I remember reading in a long forgotten self help book to not ‘scramble your emotions’. I absolutely love this phrase. Because this is sometimes what happens : we feel a whole range of emotions that are interconnected. We can learn to identify them and separate them and thus even releasing some of them. For that, you need some quiet alone time here and there. Time you do not share with social media or other means of avoiding being alone.

What to do with these emotions? Especially anger? Well.. You need to take it out. Whether you write, sing, paint... Do sports. You need an activity to release theses feelings and emotions. Don’t deny this emotion, don’t push it away (unless it’s just keeping it away until you have the time to deal with it) : face it, feel it, and then release it. Spending time in nature heps to find our balance again. Soft music, soft fiction... A bating cage. A mountain to climb... A long long run or walk. Whatever helps you to release it.

Understanding why you are angry and what triggers this state can help. Sometimes it’s a combination of mental but also environmental factors such as the company you keep, the media you consume, the food you consume etc. I know that I’m more prone to irritation and even anger when I overeat sugar or have more caffeine than I can handle.

If you are suspicious that it’s hormone related : make a note in your calender every time you feel very angry for no real direct reason. You might be surprise to see a patter that fits your hormonal cycle and could be related to PMS or PMDD. Realizing that can be a release in itself. Once you know, you can even find a proper strategy to deal with this.  A friend who had terrible bouts of rage before she got her period was advised to cut back on caffeine after mid-cycle, do more exercise and avoid certain triggers. You can find what works for you if this is what makes you angry.

Sometimes anger is also a result of not maintaining your boundaries and not speaking up. Know that you can build boundaries and say what you feel without being verbally abusive. Just because you are doing so doesn’t mean you’re an angry person or bad. You are allowed to protect yourself. So observe your anger and see where it comes from. If this is the reason, learn to speak up and put up boundaries before you become angry and feel like you are not being respected or heard.

Examining your anger like a wild creature can enable you to understand why you’re angry. If it’s because the situation you’re in : feel your emotion and then focus on getting out of this situation.

Anger prevention is also so essential to a happy community. The world is a very angry place and we have to protect ourselves from getting swept up by this communal rage. Social media is an especially good loudspeaker for this anger, but also movies, series, books, music etc. We can also make the choice not to feed this communal anger by refraining from using the internet for angry rants. Instead, we can write in a piece of paper and burn it, in a journal, or even confide in a trusted friend (who is not the source of our anger - wait until you are calm to resolve your issues) etc. Find what works for you. But let’s keep this world a gentle place for everyone.

Having said that, I know that some issue need anger.  Sometimes, especially when someone else is getting hurt : anger is the trigger that makes us react.  But she should be careful about we behave, even if our anger is justified. Anger can make us realize that something is wrong but it shouldn’t be what drives our action or else we’ll be lost.

Any thoughts or advice to share with us? What do you do when you’re angry? How do you notice it? How do you get rid of this emotion?

[evelyne-am]

24th March

Day 11

I am the worst, last night before Ramadan I did my fair share of partying. Barely did any work (actually I didn’t do any), stayed up sort of late again, and woke up feeling like absolute shit. Dragged myself to rehearsal today. It's the first day of Ramadan. I really wanted to fast but I told myself that I will see how it goes during rehearsals, if I really need water I will drink it but today I was 100% sure there was no way I could fast. I was fairly Sleep deprived for fourth day in a row and dehydrated. Maybe not in so many details, but I got called out on it. (When I arrived I had gone early so I could work on the little bit of the song that I had left to compose, but I see that on Fridays the admin people do not come early to let us in; so in front of Sir I was struggling for notes I made something on the spot and of course he understood). It was a backhanded compliment actually, everyone has kind of been drooping especially now that we have a more choreography based play, the fourth version that I think is now pretty much the final. but Sir says, Armeen was the one working hardest, and even she has lost it. I feel a bit shit. What is wrong with you Armeen why are you losing your focus after seven days only ?. This is exactly what you wanted in your life: a fully consumed fully immersed purpose that goes beyond fame and recognition and all other things. The Grammy involvement m, the post pandemic gigs, it was all amazing, but it requires someone very centred and focused to deal with that level of being out there. And I was not at all centred and focused. That is my goal for the year to be more ready for when big and little things happen and this is exactly what I wanted. But my old self who is a bit used to indulging is giving in. Rehearsal went okay, we’re in the Friday room, the small room. But today it doesn’t feel that bad. Sir actually went to a meeting for the second half mostly, so I guess there’s a bit of breathing space for us to correct things without fear. We improvised a whole new scene before he came and he seemed okay with it. Lots of choreography to remember, I can’t tell you how much I’m loving the choreography. doing physical things with my body is really something I enjoy, I don’t get to do it that much through music because I’m so focused on the voice in my head and remembering lyrics and music tunes, but there is something about physically remembering your cues in your physical role in a visual thing which is so new for me and I love it so much. We haven’t done our physical exercises in awhile, and today sir Did tell us that our posture and awareness are drooping so we did a little bit again. The team complains to me about my drinking diet Cokes in the break. And I say I don’t even like it I actually despise the taste of Diet Coke but is the only bit of caffeine that I can actually ingest in my body because I don’t do coffee and I don’t have time to make cup of tea. The breaks are so short and these days getting shorter as I have tasks to do before I go for my bit of fresh air. I’m just about to get up and walk about the field (Fridays we rehearse in the ground floor room in another building so break time is right next to the field of ShilpokolA) when Sharm hands me a cup of tea she made for me. That gesture melts my heart

We are very slowly progressing through the play but everything is having unique music and the director looks at me at the end when I apologise for not having prepared this song he told me to. He says that’s okay he took a day, you will work tonight yes, I say yes of course.

I’ve already planned a small personal life social thing, and I really want to do it so I quickly get myself up so that I am able to pull through the night. I did a really long walk at the park and even took a 10 minute swim and hairdo. Took a nap and towards the end of the night I’ve got a few of the technical work things done. I still have not done anything majorly creative of my own accord. And I plan that I want to have more space to do that, my weekend i.e. my Sunday night and Monday day I thought I would do social thing, but I’ve already done them this week so I decide to keep it open, I have Coca-Cola on Saturday so Sunday and Monday I will work a bit more on the music. i’m still sleeping really late and waking up barely in time for rehearsal, not that healthy but for some reason my body is getting used to it and I’m not struggling as much as I did before. But I’m really glad it’s Ramadan, it puts me in a mood, and I attempt to actually do a water fast tomorrow which means I only drink water and nothing else. Thanks for reading daily, I know it’s a lot of mundane things. I think I will try to summarise once a week too.

[all1e23]

Between the Stars [Pt.6]

Pairings: Past!Steve x Reader, Bucky x  Reader

Series warnings: CHARACTER DEATH. Grief. Overall sadness. Depression. It’s pretty angsty if I’m being honest. Things mellow out as the series goes on. TW: Military/Spouse death

A/N:  Good news! We are finally getting out of the terrible sadness! As a reminder, we are back to reader POV for this chapter. This chapter has a slight flashback from the last night and picks up right where the chapter ends.   Thanks to my beautiful beta @moonbeambucky​​ for looking this chapter over for me. If you like it write me a book report, sing me a song or come scream at me. 

***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam, though! Thanks!****

When Natasha showed up this morning with iced coffee and a box of doughnuts, you were relieved and a little excited -- not just because she got the chocolate fudge one you like. Natasha had yet to stop by since arriving home, and it was nice to see with your own eyes that she truly was alive and back home for good. There was always this unease until you could see a returning soldier in person; really see that they were home safe and sound, so seeing your old friend did settle a tiny part of the restlessness in your heart. And outside of the random visits from Wanda before Bucky came home, you haven’t seen much of your friends and family. It all felt forced when you did manage a visit with them and after a few weeks of exhausting lunches and house calls, you simply stopped answering your door and left your phone on silent. It took too much energy to pretend, and you didn't have that much to spare nowadays. 

After caffeine and baked goods, Bucky mentioned he had a few things he needed to take care of, stopping by his mom’s and an errand or two with Sam. Despite having Natasha there, you didn't want Bucky to go. He's rarely left your side since he came home, and there was a sense of peace knowing he was only a shout away. It was nice not to be completely alone, but Bucky couldn’t be there forever, and you knew that. He would eventually get a place of his own, figure out what he was doing with his life and move on. 

Just like everyone else was doing, everyone but you.

Sooner or later, Bucky would no longer live in the bedroom down the hall, he would get a new job, and new life, and you would still be stuck, unable to move past the life you lost. So, you let him leave without a hint of hesitation on your part. Natasha seemed to sense something was off because the moment Bucky left, she asked how you were handling everything and, more importantly, how were you handling everything with Bucky. You didn't love her spying on a regular day, but you especially didn’t like it today. What was that supposed to mean anyway? Why would she even bring Bucky into the equation? You didn't ask because you honestly didn't want to hear her answer. 

You had enough to deal with. 

Natasha caught onto your annoyance fairly quickly and changed the subject, leaving both questions unanswered. She could figure out the answer for herself if she looked hard enough. While the dark circles under your eyes had faded thanks to your nights with Bucky, you saw how empty your eyes looked -- she could solve that mystery without help. You felt bad at first. Natasha was only trying to help, but everyone was “only trying to help,” and no one actually helped. No one but Bucky. He was the only one that made you feel… well, he made you more than the nothing that’s consumed you for months on end. You were less numb when he was around, things felt less empty, and your chest no longer felt as hollow. You felt more like yourself, or whatever new version of yourself you were now. Without Steve, you could never be yourself again, but Bucky made you feel like this version you were forced into wouldn't be so bad. 

The ice between you and Natasha thawed the more she talked, and you relaxed some. Your laughs were still forced, and the exhaustion a performance like that brought on began to weigh you down after a few hours. You were grateful when she said she had to go and pick up dinner for Clint -- Pizza and cinnamon twists from the place in town. At the time, you wondered if you could talk Bucky into picking you up some instead of cooking. But now that he was home standing in front of you with what was supposedly your piano perched behind him, all you wanted to do was shove those cinnamon sticks down his throat till he chokes. 

“Hey there, Trouble. Sorry, I’m late. I had to make a stop.” 

You should have known he wasn’t going to simply drop it, it didn’t matter that it had been months since you sold the damn thing. It’s not in Bucky to let things go. He had to fix things. Bucky stood there, waiting for you were sure was your reaction and when your eyes darkened, he appeared to expect it. 

“How fucking dare you,” you seethed.

Bucky took a deep breath and braced himself as you crossed the room, barreling towards him with a look he’s only seen once before in his life -- the night he told you he was joining the Army alongside Steve.  

“Who the hell do you think you are? I didn’t ask you to get the damn thing back! I don't want it!”

“Y/n, I know you think you have to feel that way--”

"I’m going to stop you right there, James. You don't get to tell me what I feel now or what I should feel six months from now.”

Bucky took a deep breath, and after a second, he corrected himself. 

“I didn’t mean it like that, and I know you know that. I only meant--  All you’ve wanted to do since I met you was play, your dad bought her for you. I’ve spent more nights than I could ever keep track of, listening to you play on the damn thing. This isn’t about Steve. She’s got more than memories of Steve attached to her. You don’t have to keep punishing yourself to be a good wife to Steve.”

You wanted to scoff at the suggestion, but maybe you were punishing yourself. Even if you were it didn’t matter. You didn’t want it in your house. You didn’t need a reminder of all the ways you failed Steve, your marriage, and yourself. You didn’t need to be reminded how off-track your life has become and how sixteen-year-old you would be devastated to see the person you’ve turned into in Steve's absence. 

“I don’t want to play anymore, and I don’t want any of the Goddamn memories.”

“Bullshit.”

You narrowed your eyes, but Bucky stood his ground and stared back at you, no hint that he was going to back down. Bucky’s always been different from Steve. Steve would have apologized, told you he could get it out of the house if that was what you really wanted. He may have even followed through with that if only to hide it somewhere until you came around, but Bucky wasn't going to do that. Yes, he was gentle, softer with you than with anyone else, but in moments like this, things were different. He wasn’t afraid to push back a little, to challenge you if he had to. 

“You’re a stubborn ass, you know that?” you snapped back. 

“I’m a stubborn ass?” Bucky challenged, brows raised, and a hint of a smirk tugging at his lips. “Have you looked in a mirror, sweetheart?”

You weren’t in the mood for some cute verbal sparring match. You were exhausted, and you ached all over. All you had wanted from the moment you woke up this morning was a quiet night with Bucky, maybe watch some trashy movie that allowed you to forget for a few hours and possibly allow you to get some sleep, but none of that was likely now. 

“Get the damn thing out of my house, and you can go stay with Sam. I don’t care. Just get out and leave me alone.”

You turned to head back upstairs, but your anger quickly resurfaced with each step towards the stairs, you swiftly swung back around catching your second wind and stomped towards him and Bucky was still standing there as if he expected you to do exactly what you were doing. You wanted to hate him for knowing you that well. 

“You know, you have no right, Bucky. I am grieving in my own way, and I don’t… I gave it away, okay?! I don’t want it, and you’re an a-asshole for bringing it b-back and forcing me to relive it a-all.”

Bucky stepped forward when your voice trembled but kept an arm’s distance between you. He could reach out and touch you if he thought that was what you wanted, but he wouldn’t until he was sure it was okay to do so.

“You about done? Get it all out?” He asked, much softer this time around. 

That soft heart of his always found its way back at just the right time.  

“Yes,” you spat back, it didn’t come out angry as you hoped. You sounded tired. 

You were just so tired of everything.   

Bucky slowly reached out and took your hand, pulling you towards the dreaded instrument in question. You let him drag you towards the bench and didn’t fight him when he gave you a playful nudge towards the keys. You rolled your eyes but let your free hand land on the keys, one following the other as the notes consumed the stale air of your living room, you never admit to his face, but you already felt a little better. Bucky let go of your hand, and you stepped closer to make sure it was, in fact, yours -- not that you thought Bucky would ever lie to you or try to trick you like that. 

He cared about you far too much to hurt you like that. 

Bucky broke the tautness between you with an easy smile and filled you in on some of his trip. “You'll be happy to know the little girl I bought it back from said my hair looked dumb.”

You snorted. 

“It does look dumb.”

Bucky grinned at your playfulness. That’s been showing up more and more as of late, and he was more than willing to encourage it. 

”Now, you’re just being mean, Trouble. It takes a long time to grow it out. What am I supposed to do, huh?”

You looked up from the white and black keys, grinning as your fingers played on their own accord. No real thought to the rhythm, but it was clear it was one they have memorized.  

“Fine,” you conceded with feigned exasperation.”"You look handsome. Happy?” 

“Handsome, huh?” Bucky mused, that self-satisfied grin on his face as he toyed with your words in his head, and you couldn’t help but get annoyed. As if he didn't know. 

“Oh, shut up. You know you're good looking.” 

Bucky laughed suddenly, surprised by your words, and it made you smile. You’ve always liked that laugh, the one he gives when he’s caught off guard; his eyes light up with that spark, his nose scrunches up, and his smile is so big you’re sure his cheeks hurt. 

“I ain’t denying it. Just didn’t think you thought so.”

Your fingers faltered, and A sharp was hit by mistake, piercing your ears and Buckys from the grimace he made. It’s been a long time since you thought of Bucky in that way, not that he hasn’t always been attractive, and he’s only become more beautiful as he aged, but standing in front of him now made you feel shy and uncertain for some reason. How had he not known you’ve always found him beautiful? This wasn’t something you should be thinking, let alone saying out loud. You shouldn’t see Bucky that way or anyone for that matter. 

It was unfair to your marriage and to Steve.

Bucky shook his head as if he was annoyed with himself because he was thinking the same things you were, and he lifted his dusty black boot towards the bottom of the piano to change the subject or maybe to clear the uncomfortable tightness that returned to the room and forget their moment of disloyalty. 

“Come on.”

You followed Bucky without protest; both of you slipped under the piano lying shoulder to shoulder, staring up at the unpainted wood on the bottom where your initials rested next to J.B.B. You ran your fingers over the slightly faded marker and smiled. 

“That was a long time ago.” 

Bucky hummed in agreement. “Another lifetime.” 

“When you wrote that…” You dropped your arm onto your stomach and turned your head to meet Bucky's eyes. “Did you know this is where we would end up?”

“No,” Bucky opened his mouth again but quickly snapped it shut. He obviously wanted to say something, but some part of him, his head or his heart you weren’t sure, were telling him not to. 

“No, Trouble. I didn’t know we would end up here. I thought-- I knew you would always be in my life, but I didn't think we would ever be here.” 

You leaned your head on his shoulder and held your hand out, which he took right away. Your fingers laced together, and he brought your hands up to rest on his chest. Quiet settled over you, and you laid there, staring at the aging Sharpie markings. Things were so different then. If you could go back and ask the girl who scribbled her initials next to Bucky’s if she knew where she was going to end up in the next few decades, she would have told you with absolute certainty, laying right here next to Bucky. 

She was ignorant and so naive, and maybe a part of you still was because for just a few moments it felt like everything would be okay, it would all be okay as long as you stayed here under your piano, holding Bucky's hand. 

“Play for me?” Bucky asked, breaking the silence with a gentle whisper.

That wasn’t a strange request, and it’s one you’ve heard fall from his lips a hundred times before. When you were young and foolish, Bucky used to ask you to play for him all the time, and usually, you were happy to oblige. This wasn’t about that, though. There was a question in his voice that said he wanted to know this was okay, that what he did was okay and that you were okay because if you weren’t and you really hated having it back, he would get rid of it. 

“What do you want to hear?”

You didn’t mind having the piano back, and it was only right that Bucky was the one that brought it home to you. 

“How about the song you liked to play from that movie. Shit, what was it? Swallow. Eh, no. Shallow?”

“I hate love songs.” 

Bucky smiled. 

“No, you don't.”

You smiled despite yourself and whispered, “I want to.”

Bucky placed a kiss to your forehead and whispered against your skin, “No, you don’t.”

It was unfair how well Bucky knew you. He knew nearly everything about you. He knew you hated to be told when you were wrong when you knew you were absolutely right. Bucky knew when you were lying and when you were throwing up your walls to hide the more delicate side of your heart, only a few have seen. You pretend to be tough by saying things like that, so no one could see how gentle you really were under it all. It was infuriating and comforting to have someone who knew you inside and out, but it often made it hard to keep the broken parts hidden. 

“I’ll play for you, but I just wanna lay here a little bit longer, okay?”

He knew most of your secrets; you only wished he would trust you with some of his. 

“Okay, Y/n, We can stay here as long as you want,” Bucky promised.

“And then order a pizza?”

Bucky chuckled and gave the hand he was still holding a soft squeeze. 

“If that's what you want, Trouble.”

You grinned but didn’t say a word, simply closed your eyes and let your head fall into the crook of his arm. Things were less scary when Bucky was around, so it was okay to let your guard fall for a short while. He would brave the dark with you if he had to, help you figure out what your new normal was and what parts of your past were okay to keep.

It made you feel as if maybe one day in the near future, everything would be okay again. At the very least, there would be pizza and Bucky, and that was enough. 

Previous // Next 

[mommymooze]

Coffee is Delicious

Hubert x reader

Mentions of fighting/battles/death  Coffee beans are mutilated 

Your heart is pounding strong and steady as you continue to develop and perfect your lance skills while mounted on the back of your Pegasus. All members of the Black Eagles Strike Force hone their skills constantly, never knowing when they will be called to battle against their enemies. Rising with the sun, you consume a hearty protein filled breakfast followed immediately by sweat laden muscle building exercise. Allowing a brief cooldown while you drink plenty of water to compensate your body for the fluid loss, you then spar and develop your lance techniques.

Lunch is spent socializing with your friends as best you can. Mostly you observe them, too shy to comment or draw attention to yourself. Watching everyone laugh at Caspar’s antics, nodding while all are complimenting Dorothea on her latest opera performance, and hiding your snickers as they give Linhardt a difficult time for just being his obnoxious self.

The next several hours are invested in your magical development. Practicing lower level spells, learning new spells, building your casting abilities and increasing your focus and concentration. Next you are sprinting to the stables for Pegasus or horseback riding. Finally, you clean up, have a light dinner and spend time with friends, or continue research.

If you check the dictionary for the word Shyness, there is a picture of you hiding behind a book and Bernie hiding behind you. Carrying on a conversation with a single person is manageable for you. A war council meeting with 10 or more people? You can manage to be present at the meeting. Participation is out of the question. Entering the room, you take a seat, placing your hands and notebook in your lap. Visibly above the table only your eyes and head move to the direction of the person speaking. Copious amounts of notes fill the pages of the notebook. Thoughts, perceptions, even recommendations on how to carry out tasks that are brought up at the meeting. After a meeting one day when the only two remaining in the room consist of you and Hubert, he asks to see your notes. He is quite aware of your hesitancy to address a group.

“These are excellent observations. Why did you not bring them up during the meeting?” The dark mage inquires, already knowing the answer.

“I, uh, did not want to interrupt. I just…” your voice fades to silence and you can only focus on your notebook on the table.

“May I suggest that you sit next to me during tomorrow’s meeting.” Hubert begins, “If you will allow me to discretely view your annotations, I will offer your thoughts in such a way that no attention or scrutiny will be directed towards yourself.”

“Sure.” You shrug. Not that you would ever disagree with him. You have heard Emperor Edelgard state too many times that Hubert is an extension of herself and any order or direction from him is the same as if she had proclaimed it herself.

Hubert rises and dismisses you. Skittering to your room you drop your book, fall lengthwise on the bed, smash your pillow into your face and scream. Hubert, your crush, noticed you. He appreciates some of your observations and you are invited to sit next to him. It takes you a few minutes to get your breathing under control and the flush to fade from your face.

Quickly throwing on your sparring garb, you run out to meet with Ferdinand for lance practice. Both of you obtain a healthy, challenging workout as he also educates you on the finer points of his presentation that he had made during the council meeting. You actively banter with him, bringing up some notable flaws and considerations which he appreciates and will review your logical points.  

The Strike Force is embroiled in a particularly rough battle close to the Oghma Mountains. The air is cooler there to begin with, however with it being Guardian Moon with temperatures below freezing, the winds tear through your clothes like frozen daggers of ice as you fly on your Pegasus. The close knit group is responding to the reports of a large quantity of enemy forces entering into Varley territory.

Your coal black steed swoops low, hooves barely clearing the ground as you direct your lance into the chest of an enemy cavalier. Just as the winged steed is directed to head back into the skies, an enemy mage strikes with a flash of purple light blinding your vision. An experienced flier such as yourself should have no problem hanging on, however the frigid temperatures combined with flying at dizzying heights and speeds have allowed the unforgiving chill of the weather into your limbs, your hands too numb to firmly grip your saddle, you are thrown from the back of your steed. The screams of dying soldiers the last thing you hear before you lose consciousness.

 There is no camp as they planned to arrive, fight, and return. The Empire’s Elite forces decide to detour further into Varley territory, where roads are better constructed and Inns are not too difficult to find.

You are carried from the field after the battle concludes. The healers asses your condition. A concussion and aftereffects of being struck by black magic. Your resistance has greatly improved since the academy days and you will recover without any permanent damage.  

Traversing the fields and undeveloped countryside on horseback is slow because several riders have to double up. Ferdinand offers to carry your unconscious form, however he has injuries of his own to care for. Hubert mounts his mages warhorse and is assisted with securing your unconscious form in front of him. He wraps his large cape around the both of you to assist in conserving warmth between you. Your Pegasus is given to another rider more accustomed to traversing at great heights, they scan the countryside and lead the way to safety.

The exhaustion from battle washes over everyone as they ride with little conversation heading east, eagerly anticipating a warm meal and soft bed for the evening.

Hubert checks your positioning, your back leaned up against his chest, your cheek pushed tight against his sternum.  

A soft voice mumbles from within his cape. “Yumm. Smells so good. Coffee.”  

The hand around your waist shifts slightly. “Shhh. Rest. You have a concussion.”

You snuggle closer to him in your haze. “Hubert’s voice is so deep and sexy. Mmmm.”

The dark mage’s eyes cast about him, nobody appears to be close enough to hear you but him.

The horse jostles you both as it steps into a dip of the ground and he tightens his grip around your waist.

“I want to have coffee with him. Stare into his gorgeous chartreuse eyes. Delicious.” You murmur.

The troops finally meet up with the road, the travel now much quicker with even ground for the horses to traverse. Hubert rooms with the Emperor while you are in a room with Linhardt and a few other injured soldiers.

 You arise quite early in the morning, having slept through much of the ride here. Running down to the stables you check your Pegasus, relieved that he is quite healthy. Heading back inside you grab breakfast and a large coffee, finding a quiet corner to sit and try to recall what happened that led you to finding yourself here.

A few others of your group are scattered about the room. You half-listen in on their conversations. You take your dishes back to the counter and obtain a refill. As you return to your seat, you are followed by Hubert.

“Might I join you?” he requests as he stands across the table.

“Absolutely.” You quietly answer as he takes the seat across from you. The coffee is too hot to drink, you wrap both hands around the cup, warming your fingers nicely.

“Are you feeling better today?” Hubert asks, bringing his drink to his lips for a sip.

Your eyes are riveted on his. You realize that you are gazing at him far too intensely, suddenly you’re looking away and breaking out in an embarrassing blush. “Yes. A bit of a headache. I feel much warmer. I recall the cold was getting the best of me. I should have stayed on the ground when my fingers started becoming numb. I hope I did not cause any major problems.” Bringing your cup to your lips, the coffee is still boiling hot. How can he drink it like that?

“Not at all.” He smiles, taking another sip.

The room begins to fill with the rest of their group. Linhardt sits next to Hubert, placing his plate filled with sweet rolls and cup of tea onto the table. “I can’t wait to get back and get some proper sleep.” The healer frowns. “Someone talks in their sleep and wouldn’t stop rambling about coffee all night long.” The cleric’s green eyes drill holes into you. You weakly smile as you raise your cup to cover your face and hide behind it. You sort of know you talk in your sleep, but this is the first time someone understood what you said. Mostly you were told you mumble. Just another reason to hide away and keep to yourself.

 The journey back to Enbarr is uneventful and quiet. Your Pegasus is not exactly thrilled to be grounded most of the way back, however the weather is cold and you do not wish to be chilled so soon again. Arriving home, you slip back into your regular routine, working on your muscles and skills. The weather is cold, wet and dreary, you must forgo riding for several afternoons.

Heading to the kitchen you decide a cup of coffee would be the perfect warmup on this chilly day. As you enter the always busy room, the cooks are bustling about, preparing the meat and vegetables for the next meal. As you finish preparing your drink, pouring it through a clean cloth filter, Hubert arrives to obtain yet another cup of his favorite caffeinated beverage. With too many people around you don’t speak, but you do wave to greet him.

“Afternoon.” The dark haired mage grumbles. “The weather is cold and miserable. Best for staying indoors by a warm fire.”

You nod slowly, gripping your cup firmly.

“There is a decent fire in the library should you need further assistance in combating the weather’s chill.” He says before the noise of grinding his coffee beans makes talking impractical.

You nod as you leave, heading to your room.

 You mull over Hubert’s suggestion to sit by a warm fire instead of freezing under your blanket in your cold and damp room. Summoning your courage, you decide it is to your benefit to seek a warmer location while you are studying, no matter who or how many others may be occupying the room. Turning the corner to where the fireplace is located in the library, you are surprised that only Hubert is here, occupying one of the more comfortable chairs in the room. The smell of the burning hardwood fills the room, adding to the warmth of the blazing flames. The other occupant does not raise his head from his reading as you sink into an overplush chair that comfortably hugs you. The upholstery is warm, immediately making you feel secure and relaxed. Placing your still warm coffee cup on the arm of the chair you open your reading material to where the bookmark holds your place. Concentrating on your book, you only raise your eyes to reflect on a particular passage or to imagine the depths and runes of the spell you are studying.

Reading a particular dark magic spell you look to the other spellcaster in the room. Your mind conjures up the last time you observed him cast this spell, perfect concentration reflected in his face. His posture is immaculate, leaning slightly forward, his right arm fully extended creating the runes consummately while his voice deeply and powerfully orders the incantation. The purple luster of magic gathering in front of him, quickly growing in magnitude and power as the spell bursts forth, striking and eliminating the enemy. Unconsciously you let out a sigh of awe.

“Pardon?” suddenly his eyes are focused on you, his brows raised.

“Your spellcasting is fabulously perfect.” The words are out of your mouth before you realize you had said them out loud. Your cheeks burn with the heat of a blush as you desperately resist the urge to bury your face in the pages before you.

“Thank you.” He muses.

Both parties return to their reading, the only sound in the room is the occasional page turning and the popping and crackling of the fire.

A throat clearing ahead of you draws your attention from your book.

“Should you wish to further your development of your reason magic skills, I humbly offer my assistance.” Hubert proposes for your consideration, not looking up from his reading.

“To increase my abilities aiding the cause toward our Emperors victory, I accept your proposition.” You smile widely.

There is the slightest smile that flashes across Hubert’s lips that you are thrilled to bear witness to.

 Hubert joins you in the spellcasting section of the training grounds when he finds the time. Your stomach flips every time he touches you to correct your arm position, your stance, standing behind you to watch your rune manipulation. By the time he leaves to head to his next appointment you are tomato red and breathless.

 Today is one of your longer learning sessions and quite productive. After dinner, you decide to retire to the Library to procure a book Hubert recommends that covers additional spells and manipulation of runes. The two comfy chairs are taken by others, thus you make do with alternate seating on the couch that faces the fireplace directly. Placing your coffee cup on the end table you open the tome and become immediately immersed in its contents. The other occupants of the Library leave without your notice.

Hubert greets you as he enters the room. Taking a seat on the other end of the couch, he places his coffee on the end table, opens his book and begins reading.

After reading quietly for nearly an hour you are deep into the section dissecting rune manipulation and you find there are a few passages that are not quite make sense to you. You stop to take a sip of your now very cold coffee, nearly choking on the nasty liquid.

Hubert looks over to you. “Are you all right?”

“Cold coffee.” You stammer and catch your breath. “Actually, I have a question about this section here…” You say, holding the book between you, scooting a bit closer to him as you point out the section. The dark haired mage slides next to you so that you both can review the passage. He carefully explains the runes, their order and how the instruction of the manipulation contributes to the verbal incantation thus giving the magical energy and power to the spell.

Everything suddenly clicks. Smiling brightly in your frenzied joy, you turn to Hubert and give him a peck on his cheek.

Your gasp as your eyes go wide as realization hits you regarding your most recent action.        

Hubbert’s gloved fingers gently grasp the side of your jaw, turning your face toward him again. “I think you meant…” he hums as his lips gently meet yours in a soft kiss. You grab his lapels, keeping your lips pressed together until you find the need to breathe again.

He slides his arm around your shoulder as you lean into his chest.

Hubert presses his lips to the crown of your head. “I find you delicious as well.”  

[creative-frequency]

Inquisitor!Cal Kestis x Reader: Overtime

Word count: 2917 Pairing: Inquisitor!Cal Kestis x Reader Notes: Looks like this is turning into a series and I’m okay with that.

Previous Part

My Writing Masterlist

“There is a package for you.”

The post droid offers the small box forward and your brows scrunch together in thought. “What package?”

“Spare parts designated as ‘2-5-7-K’.”

That kriffing–

It’s the new AC control panel and the connectors that needed changing because the old ones were so worn that the door could break any moment. Your face flushes hot just thinking back to the last time you were near that door. Inquisitor Cal hasn’t been bothering you since – not while awake at least. It’s amazing how gentle scenarios your mind can dream up about someone who freaks you out.

Because you’re a coward, you send a droid to find the Inquisitor and ask him when would be alright to invade his privacy in order to fix the door and the air conditioning. From the bottom of your trembling heart you wish he will be off-planet on a mission during the repairs.

The droid comes back with a breathlessly recorded message. It probably found the Inquisitor in his usual prancing grounds at the dojo.

“Tomorrow morning [sounds of a lightsaber hitting something metallic] should be okay.”

You don’t know if it’s good or extremely bad that you won’t have more time to mentally prepare yourself to enter his quarters. And he didn’t say anything about his own whereabouts, so you’ll just need to assume the worst. Great.

Cal is surprised to hear from you even if it isn’t directly but through a droid. It messes up his rhythm and he breaks the training droid in an attempt at doing two different things at the same time.

Even if you haven’t seen him in the past few days, he has been watching you. It’s painfully evident that you’re not the most aware of your surroundings when working. The uneasy feeling that sometimes overcomes you in the middle of doing something utterly trivial, it’s all his influence: The intense stare tingling in the back of your neck. The sudden cool air current, almost like a breath on your cheek. All of it originates from how his pulse quickens when he sees you.

Cal cannot explain it but it’s not all bothersome. It’s intriguing. He feels something completely new as his eyes trace the shape of your face, the edges of your body under the uniform and the movements of your fingers and steps. You always seem to mind your own business but still are well-respected and over encumbered with work around the Fortress.

His mind tangles from thinking about how to start a conversation. He doesn’t have a reason; he just wants to try to have some kind of social contact with you. He has felt the need for companionship, just someone to talk to, ever since he was appointed an Inquisitor and it became obvious that his brothers and sisters would have nothing to say to him – a former Jedi, the rising star of the Rebellion. The past means nothing to him anymore but some people don’t let go so easily.

Cal doubles his training efforts to have the next day arrive faster.

For you, the morning arrives too soon.

You can barely sleep a wink. The dark liquid in your morning cup drains right into your soul, but the substitute for natural caffeine works like a faulty speeder engine. The jumpstart energy spike never comes and looks like it’s one of those days when you’re going to need to push the proverbial speeder.

Dragging your legs while a happily beeping droid carries the tools and spare parts beside you, you make your way towards the infamous 257K. Each step brings you closer to doom and demise.

Swallowing helps nothing as your heart beats in your throat and your whole body trembles. You hit your knuckles sharply against the metal door, silently praying to every pagan deity you can think of. Seconds feel like hours as you wait for a reply or the door to open, but nothing happens.

You knock again, possibly a bit more lightly, unable to believe your insane luck.

“Looks like no one’s home,” you say to the droid. Stupid relief spreads all the way to the tip of your toes. While humming to yourself, you use the maintenance key card to open the door to the residential quarters.

The rooms the Inquisitors and the Fortress key personnel get are so much larger and fancier than yours. While you have only one room plus bathroom, this one has at least three different rooms, fully furnished and including all sorts of appliances. But then again, you should consider yourself lucky to have your own room instead of sharing quarters like most of the maintenance level staff.

Looking around with interest and criticizing the familiar Imperial-style decorations in your mind, you fail to realize that you’re, in fact, not alone in the room.

The droid next to you beeps. The shape of a ginger bed hair waddles into your field of view – shirtless and yawning.

You’ve never been more certain about a moment becoming your last of existence.

“Relax. You don’t need to be afraid of me,” the Inquisitor says with mirth in his tone and his eyes skim your immobilized frame up and down. His voice his still hoarse from sleep.

“I didn’t mean to wake you, sir,” you peep in a tiny voice, barely forcing any sound outside your throat. There is absolutely no place on the man you can let your gaze befall, not the eyes, not the chest, definitely not on the lower body, so you scour the walls.

“I’m not gonna hurt you,” Cal assures. He feels something immensely satisfying at looking at you quiver in a mix of fear and respect, but it irks him when you refuse to meet his gaze.

You don’t believe any of his words but can’t help relaxing your shoulders.

“Thanks… I guess.”

Cal grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and settles to stare at you while emptying the drink. Seeing him shirtless doesn’t help to erase the filthy dreams from your memory. In truth, you’re genuinely sure they’ll start having some interesting plot twists from now on.

“So… I’ll switch the AC panel now,” you say aloud, pretending that the room is empty.

“Knock yourself out.”

You turn to eyeball the Inquisitor in bewilderment because of his choice of words.

“That’s what they say, right? It’s a figure of speech.” He sounds uncertain, but you nod slowly.

“Right, sir,” you say and decide to focus back on the job. The sooner it’s done, the sooner you’ll get out of this flytrap.

“You can drop the ‘sir’,” the Inquisitor says and hesitates for a bit. “It sounds weird.”

You try to wrestle your curiosity down but lose the battle. The Inquisitor earns your full attention with arms folded over your chest. Though his bare pecs instantly draw some of it, as well as the thin line of hair leading down into what you assume to be government-issued Inquisitorial pajama pants. They’re Imperial black and not at all complementing to his form. You bite your lip and feel the heat rise up your neck. So much for not staring.

“What should I call you then?” A bold question perhaps, but with each passing moment you feel less like he is going to run you through with a lightsaber.

He chuckles. “I’m Cal.”

You tap the name plate on your chest. “Well, this is me. I guess you would’ve already known that if you’d been interested in my ID last time.”

The mood in the room freezes. Cal looks at you with shock that quickly turns into a hint of a smirk. You wonder how fast he will catch you if you try to run. Learning to keep your big mouth shut in the presence of an Inquisitor would be a beneficial skill. It’s a wonder your career in the Empire is as long as it is.

You suck in a breath and stutter: “I-I didn’t mean–”

“You’re right.” He sits down on a stool by the kitchen nook’s counter and carefully places the almost empty water bottle on the surface.

“I’ll just start working now,” you say quietly and huff out the air in your lungs. Another dodged blaster bolt.

You try not to sneak glances at Cal while you work and he is hovering around in the kitchen and apparently making some breakfast for himself. The smell of real coffee soon fills the room and it’s so delicious that it almost brings tears to your eyes. It must be some really high quality stuff.

Cal miraculously lets you work in peace and the only sounds in the room are your short commands at the maintenance droid. You’re itching to turn and look at what the Inquisitor is doing, but resist the urge. Switching a thermostat unit and a control panel is not really a difficult or time-consuming task and you’re done in record time, eager to get out.

“Done already?” Cal asks as soon as you screw in the last piece.

“Yeah. I’ll take a look at the door next.” You wipe your brow even though the room is cool because of the broken AC. The unit starts immediately blowing warm air.

“Come here first. There’s enough for you too.” Cal taps the stool next to him and you feel the bottom of your stomach drop. You miss the slight shaking of his hand against the dark leather.

“Uh. I, um, can’t. I’m working. Sorry,” you mumble half of the words but the Inquisitor still stares at you with a persistent smile, looking almost like a normal person – a shirtless, strikingly attractive person with the ability to kill you with just his willpower.

He taps the stool again. “C’mon, I know you think it smells delicious. No one needs to know you’re taking an extra break. I’ve got your back, I swear.”

For some wicked, self-destructive reason, you find yourself trusting his words. Or possibly it’s the amazing scent of coffee that lures you slowly to plant your butt on the stool way too close to the half-naked Inquisitor and you don’t know what in the absurd situation makes you the most nervous.

“How do you know that? That I thought it smelled delicious?” you ask quietly as Cal reaches out to grab a cup, fills it and places it in front of you. The coffee is of the perfect mellow dark brown color and just inhaling the scent makes you quiver. “Thanks…”

Cal smiles as you dare a glance at him. “I just felt it.”

He really wants to add the loud flustered feeling you emitted the moment you realized he was in the room, but decides against it. Teasing you too much would be just cruel.

“I see,” you mumble.

“Try it.” Cal nods towards the cup.

You do as he orders and feel the flush of prickling warmth spread from your tongue to every inch of your body.

“It’s amazing.” You gawk at the cup. You’ve never tasted anything so good. The caffeine substitutes can’t even project a light to the real thing. You quite certainly would kill to be able to drink it every day.

“They call you the head of the droid army, right?” Cal asks casually just to make conversation.

You jolt at the comment. In any other situation it would’ve made you laugh.

He continues: “How long’ve you been here to earn a nickname like that?”

You take another sip of the coffee. Delicious. “A bit over two years. I was working on a Star Destroyer before but got transferred here.”

Cal hums in approval. “A promotion, then?”

“Yeah.” Working in a base is likely safer than being on a ship, so in that sense Cal is right. At the time it just didn’t feel like an upgrade to be dragged to a backwater planet like Nur.

You drink the coffee in an uncanny silence for a while and notice that Cal is doing nothing but leaning his elbows against the counter and looking at you. It’s disturbing and makes your already precocious pulse grow even faster. His cup is already empty.

“I’ve seen you train. It’s very impressive,” you say, unsure whether it’s an okay topic.

“Impressive, huh? Nice to know you think that way about me,” Cal teases and gets you flustered, again.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” you reply dejected. Your heart is running a mile a minute and he probably notices it with his stupid senses.

Cal leans towards you with an intense look in his eyes. You lean as far back as you dare without falling off the stool. Your eyes are torn between his freckles, lips and pecs. It’s all making you giddy and nervous.

“W-what?” you manage to splutter out.

“You’re just so… I…” He can’t finish the sentence. Why is he so fixated on you? It makes no sense but he lacks the motive to fight it. Cal’s gaze falls from your eyes to your lips and you’ve seen that look before.

“Are you gonna kiss me?” you ask rather wryly, hoping the tone will mask your inner turmoil.

“Do you want me to?” Cal looks at you intently, hiding his astonishment.

You feel his shallow breaths on your skin as he gets closer and chills run up your spine. The whirlpool of emotions spins faster, making you feel dizzy and surreal. You’re scared and intrigued by the fiery look in his eyes.

“…If you want to.”

This is not actually happening.

“Yes or no?”

Cal takes your chin and you suck in a short breath.

“I’ve got somewhere to be soon, so you need to hurry up.” The words come out sassier than intended and you relish at seeing the smile that spreads to Cal’s face. His eyes flit downwards to your lips and he stops himself from hesitating any longer.

You let out the most obscene sound when his mouth pushes against your slightly open lips and you know it’s bad but you just don’t care. His fingers move up your jaw and touching your hair makes another wave of shivers course through you. You take his free hand and press it onto your waist, which leads to him pulling you up and the stool falls behind you. You hum at feeling the heat of his exposed skin against yours. The kiss deepens and your tongue peeks into his mouth. Cal pushes you against the counter and you’re finally trapped in his clutches.

You’re making out with the one of the most dangerous things in the Fortress, possibly in the whole Empire, and for some reason it’s the best thing that has happened to you on Nur.

“Why mmh–” you try to start when Cal breaks the kiss to draw in a heavy breath, but he doesn’t allow you to finish another word. His cheeks are equally flushed as yours, heart beating loudly in his ears but you both ignore the signs of nervousness and let the craving for being touched overflow.

Cal’s hands wander further down and cup your ass, pulling your hips flush to his. Even if the Imperial pajama pants don’t give much of a show, they certainly allow you to feel it. The want and flustering unease makes your cheeks burn. Cal realizes you can feel his arousal and your pace breaks when he shifts awkwardly.

You pull away from each other, panting and eyes wide. Cal wipes his mouth to the back of his hand and you’ve never seen anyone look so hot.

For a fleeting moment, the fiery, challenging look in his eyes persists and you’re burning to respond to it. Few short breaths dissipate the heavy mood enough to restore some sense into you.

“Wow, I–, that was… um,” your mouth opens and closes, some resemblance of words coming out in jarring patches.

Cal is definitely as equally flustered. The maintenance droid, whose existence you both had already happily forgotten, beeps to signal that it’s almost time for your next task. You’ll be late of schedule because of this.

“Uhh, I should… go.” You motion towards the general direction of the door but can’t take your eyes off the man before you. The man, who you just kissed. Who you don’t know at all. Who is an Imperial Inquisitor.

“Ah kriff, I forgot I’ve got somewhere to be too,” Cal huffs, glances at the chronometer on the wall and runs a hand through his hair. His chest heaves with each breath, trying to pace its rhythm.

You don’t know what to say. Just like that, Cal disappears into the other room and you stand baffled next to counter. Maybe trysts like this aren’t such a big deal to him. There is still some coffee in your cup and it would be a shame to waste it, so you down the liquid in hasty sips.

Before you’re done piling your things onto the droid, Cal emerges from what you assume to be his bedroom in full Inquisitor garb and the sight makes you feel a tingle that’s not altogether shaped by fear anymore.

“I hope you can fix the door before I get back.”

He winks.

The sound of his lightsaber blade erupting straight into the door control panel elicits a short scream out of you.

Before you can recover from the shock and start screaming at Cal, he is already gone with a grin and you’re facing some serious overtime at work.

//

Part 3

[ajokeformur-ray]

Help, I’m trying.

Inspired by @loveletterstoledger​ to write this during my study break - the first in six hours oof.💙 I love you darling, and if you read this, then I hope you enjoy it! (There’s no obligation to just because I tagged you asdfghj it’s more of a credit/shout out than anything!)💜🌸

Shameless self-shipping. There’s a small announcement about our dynamic in here.🥺

Also tw; for the brief mentioning of alcohol.

WC: 1, 082.

I yawn for the fifth time in as many minutes and as it finishes, I run a hand over my face and grab my coffee mug. From the moment I first make a cup in the morning to the second I go to bed, it’s neither cold nor empty. Eighteen cups a day is my usual intake and it doesn’t affect me in any kind of way, and though Ash worries about how much caffeine I consume each day, he knows he can’t say anything with how many beers he goes through a week.

I don’t notice that Ash is watching me from where he’s lying on the bed. Some brainless reality show is playing but he’s not paying attention to it. He’s seen it all before. He could just change the channel but there’s some sweet entertainment across the trailer and he wants to play.

“Hey, uh - you gonna come to bed any time soon, sweetheart?”

I smile at the sound of Ash’s voice, deeper with the tugging of sleep. It won’t be long until he’s asleep, thankfully. Between his nightmares and PTSD, he barely gets rest. It worries me daily and for this reason do I make sure we take daily naps together. He sleeps better when he’s with me. “Maybe - I need to finish this up, honey.” I promise myself every day that if I can study for six hours with only minimal breaks, then I can spend the evening wholly uninterrupted with my handsome Deadite slayer. Ash isn’t aware of this small promise, but small notes like “Do it for Ash ♥” which are taped to my laptop clue him in as to why I’m working so hard. It baffles him but he dares not question it. 

“Ah, c’mon!” Ash’s slightly raised voice makes me flinch and he swears under his breath, forgetting in his frustration that I don’t do so well with sudden loud noises, raised voices or anything even slightly confrontational. His next words are softer; it’s an apology, or at least, the closest he’ll get. Actual “I’m sorry’s” are saved for the big mess-ups so that sincerity is conveyed. “You’ve been working all day. Take a break with ol’ Ashy.” He doesn’t say please but I can hear it. 

I look up, then, considering my options. My hazel eyes meet Ash’s darker ones. His eyes remind me of a doe. The comparison to my nickname, Fawn, makes me smile, and the upturn of Ash’s lips tells me that I’ve played right into his hands. Nicely done, is the thought of approval, though I don’t say it out loud. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Ash. “Mm... I still need to get this typed up, and there’s also - “ My breath catches. God, I’m so tired and I just wanna crawl into bed with Ash and go to sleep. But this work won’t do itself and I signed up for this - I want this. There’s no reason to complain - just gotta keep on working.

Ash inhales deeply and barely avoids rolling his eyes. We have this conversation every night; me, working harder than I should and Ash, for once, the voice of reason. “Yeah, and? It’ll be there tomorrow. At this rate, you might not be. Come here.” Again, the please lingers in the air between us. Pointedly, Ash lays back down and turns his soft gaze to the television. Here, I have a choice: carry on working or... put reality away for a little bit and spend my evening with Ash. Ash supports me in everything but he’s not afraid to tell me when I’m going too far with my work. Sometimes I forget that I exist, that I’m an actual person with bodily wants and needs, and Ash is always there to subtly nudge me into remembering I’m not a robot.

I sigh, then, and I save my work and stretch. The cracking of knuckles - and it hurts so good - makes Ash chuckle in triumph. His enthusiasm is contagious and I’m by his side so quickly that it would make my head spin if I stopped to think about it. “Ash ~ !” His name is my joy and my strength, and he hums. He loves this specific way in which I speak his name and he knows this small battle of getting me away from my work is won this night. We’re married by common law, but sometimes he wonders if I’m not also married to my work.

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out!” His terrible one liners never fail to make me smile, even the super bad ones. I stand there awkwardly, not knowing how to lay down on Ash. It’s easy, just.... lay down, but I’m too shy to actually do it. Ash sees me, though, and he cracks another joke to help me to relax. “Y’know - you’re a terrible window, honey.”

I laugh and get down on top of Ash without even thinking about it, such is the power he has with me, and Ash’s entire body seems to melt into the mattress as he wraps his arms around me and burrows his face in my neck. Ash rolls, then, and traps me under him. His eyes hold mine as tightly as his arms are around my body, his embrace the safest cage I’ve ever known, and I turn my face into that blue I know and love so well. I look, I breathe, I sigh... I relax.

I think about telling Ash that I love him... but I know I don’t need to. Ash can hear me as clearly as I can hear him and the kisses which are rained down upon the crown of my head tell me that he can hear me even now, even in our silence. His kisses bring me home and when his gentle assault ceases, I return the favour so that I can bring Ash home, too. We’ve known each other for so long, since I was eleven, but only in the last few months did anything romantic begin to develop - the planted seed quickly bloomed, in a matter of weeks did we find this deep and everlasting bond. We could go on without each other if we needed to and we both know it, but we also both know that we don’t want to, and in that daily choice lies the strength of our love.

It’s not always easy, but it’s right.

[emelywrites]

Could you make a Diego Hargreeves x reader where she is number 3 and her power is like a banshee? Where she is part of the Sparrow Academy. When she meets Diego she falls for him and him for her, but he is still thinks about Lila so he’s kinda weary of starting something with the reader

I didn’t know how to write this at first but then I started and it got out of hand. It turned out angstier than I wanted it to but I hope you like it!

Warnings: Language, Angst

Her voice

When you were little every sound out of your mouth was harmful. Your screams as an infant put your siblings into unconsciousness, it made all the nannies quit and Pogo and Dad were always wearing earplugs. At some point everyone in the house was wearing earmuffs all day long. You soon came to understand that your voice hurt them and you started to keep quiet. When Dad noticed that you had understood your powers to that extent he finally started training you as well. Quickly, you were able to talk without hurting people, generally using your voice normally or to severely injure those within earshot.

As you got older, Dad taught you about frequencies and singing the right notes to do more than just harm. Manipulating people, make them love you, make them do whatever you wanted them to. Destroying objects, moving objects, even growing plants. You had your voice under full control and found quite a lot of joy in singing. 

When the Umbrella Academy arrived and you all gathered in the living room your sister nudged you to sing a tone to put them to sleep. Dad seemed to know who they were though so you kept your mouth shut. That, of course, didn’t mean he told you anything. Dad was a secretive man.

The Umbrella Academy stayed on the same floor as you. They had gone on many explorations through the house and sometimes you heard them in front of your door as you were practicing to sing without destroying everything in your room. One day someone knocked on your door.

„Come in“, you called.

„Hi, I’m Alison, I’ve been listening to you, sorry , that’s not supposed to sound creepy or something“, she laughed, „But you sing beautifully.“

„Oh, thank you so much“, you smiled, offered her a seat and sat down, „I certainly hope I didn’t manipulate you into saying that“, you laughed but then saw the confusion on her face, „I’m a banshee, or that’s what Dad says I am, the mythology is a bit different from what I do.“

„So you sing and people do what you want?“

„That’s one thing“, you grabbed the empty water glass, sang a high c and the glass shattered, „This is another. There’s more to it, I don’t think I’ve reached my full potential yet. I’m (Y/N), number three.“

„That’s cool, I’m number three where we came from, I can manipulate people, too“, she looked down, „I don’t really like using it though.“

„Except of course if you want to mess with your siblings“, you both laughed, „Don’t worry I do that, too, sometimes.“

„The other day I made Diego punch himself in the face“, she told you.

You laughed. You realized that she could be a friend to you and if she could be that, why couldn’t the others be that, too? So, you started spending more time with her. Her siblings, Vanya and Klaus, also started to come around and you showed them more and more of your powers. Yours and Vanya’s powers worked well together and you also started helping her with controlling her powers a little more than she did before. As you grew closer and closer you started hanging out around the house, with more people around.

Diego noticed you truly for the first time when you were sitting in the living area, singing along to Vanya playing the violin. He was entranced by your voice and when he looked around the corner he saw you for the first time and to him, you were the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He watched you and listened to you until you were done and went back to your conversations. That night as he laid in bed he thought about you but the longer he did the more it felt like some charm fell off and he felt bad about his feelings. He had just let Lila escape with a briefcase because he loved her. He couldn’t suddenly be in love with you, could he?

After that day, Diego seemed to always be looking for you, listening to your voice was like a drug to him and he couldn’t stop. Whenever he didn’t hear you he felt empty. One day, as you were practicing on your own in your room he was standing in front of your door when said door suddenly opened and you were standing in front of him.

„Diego, right? You know, you could just join us sometimes instead of eavesdropping“, you pointed out.

„I- I’m just- Sorry, your voice is…“, he couldn’t find the word.

„Beautiful, Cool, Amazing?“, you searched his eyes for confirmation, „Your siblings’ words.“

„Of course. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I just- I heard you the other day and- and you’re great, it felt good to listen to you.“

You blushed a bit at his words. „I can have that effect on people.“

After that Diego stopped listening from afar and joined you and his siblings. You grew closer to him. In a different way than to his siblings. You started feeling something for him that you’d never felt before. Diego didn’t know what your powers could do and you worried that if he did he’d think you used them on him. Because you did use him to lure him in. Everything after that was real. If he still loved you now it would be all his own feelings.

One day, after your first mission with the Umbrella Academy, Diego immediately went to his own room. He started avoiding you and didn’t talk to you for nearly two weeks until you got sick of it and went to his room. You knocked on his door but didn’t get an answer. You knocked again.

„Diego, please, it’s (Y/N). You haven’t talked to me since we got back from that mission and I think I deserve to know why at least.“

You leaned forward against the door and nearly stumbled into Diego when he finally opened the door. You looked up and noticed his eyes were swollen as if he had been crying but it didn’t look like sadness, more like rage.

„You lied to me. Don’t try to deny it. I saw you on the mission“, his tears started rolling, „I felt so bad about it but it wasn’t even my fucking fault. You used your stupid voice to lure me in, didn’t you?“

You felt your own tears sting your eyes. „No, Diego, please, I- I don’t use my powers on you“, you looked down, „not anymore.“

„You really did manipulate me. Fuck“, he was about to slam the door hut but you caught it.

„Diego, wait, I- please, don’t misunderstand. I saw you and I was- I was starstruck. I fell in love with you and- and I couldn’t control my powers anymore when I knew you were around. I think- No, I know I should have tried harder. But I’ve managed since we started hanging out. If- if you still like me that’s not me. I don’t do that“, your voice got quieter, „If it makes you feel better, I’m willing to always stay quiet when you’re around. I just don’t want to lose when I’ve only had you for so little.“

„I don’t want to be around you anymore. How will I ever know that all this was real? I felt so fucking bad about my feelings for you. Because I loved Lila, I mean I love Lila, I do. And then I- I fell in love with you. But it’s not real.“

„No, it is. Diego, I fell in love with you, too. I just made you notice me. That’s all, please don’t shut me out.“

You let go of the door and he threw it shut. You went to your own room and locked the door. Your cries that night made your room shake since your emotions were overpowering your self control. You stayed in your room for days and when you finally left it again for breakfast you were exhausted and just hoped no one would try talking to you. You got yourself a cup of coffee and a bowl of cereal and sat down at the kitchen table where some of the Umbrella Academy and some of your siblings sat. When your siblings noticed your swollen face they made a run for it, trying to avoid confrontation at all cost.

„You okay?“, Alison asked.

You just nodded. You didn’t intend to use your voice again. Not around people you liked and cared about. You couldn’t risk them thinking about you the same way Diego did. She looked at you with worry but didn’t bother you about it anymore. You didn’t even notice how time was passing but you were soon alone in the kitchen, constantly refilling your coffee cup, eating cereal directly from the box. When the grandfather clock in the corner sounded you turned around and saw it was midnight. You sighed and noticed that with all the caffeine and sugar you had consumed you wouldn’t be able to sleep anytime soon.

Instead you went into the courtyard with a blanket around your shoulders and stepped into the courtyard. Diego was sitting under the big tree in the centre, flipping a knife in the air and catching it again. When you saw him you sighed again and looked down. That was your spot. You always sat there when you were upset. And right now, you were upset. On the one hand, you didn’t just want to surrender the spot to him. On the other, you didn’t want to bother him. You were in love with him and he hated you, at least that’s what you thought. Demanding your spot back now would probably just drive him further away.

Then he spotted you. He put his knife away and stared at you.

„I haven’t heard you at all these past few days“, you didn’t respond and didn’t look at him either, „But my feelings for you were still there.“

You looked up at him with tears in your eyes. He had feelings for you. Did he believe you now that you weren’t manipulating him?

„I missed hearing you sing. I missed seeing you everyday. I missed putting my arm around your shoulder when we were sitting beside each other“, he got up and walked up to you, „I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. But if you can forgive me I would like to hear your voice again.“

He put his hands on your cheeks. And you looked up at him through teary eyes. 

„I would love to sing for you again“, you whispered.

He smiled. Then he leaned in and kissed you. Because he wanted to.