#nothing is ever gonna get better.....
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I'm having a bad day cus I slept all day and no one's on a schedule here so autistically speaking I'm fucked up
Vent below
#I'm feeling a lot of sad feelings#I had a really good dream (I keep having this dream of a much more exciting life so they're good and bad dreams) -#- that I was ordering a really meaty chicken sandwich with gravy and now I've woken up to the fact I only have old Lomein to eat🫠#that's not my biggest problem regarding dreams but it's getting under my skin#now I'm hungry and it's too late for food#my sister keeps being like 'oh get a shower!!!' but she's made it fuckin impossible#she freaks out if the shower isn't pristine like nobody was ever in there#and with my chronic pain it's really really really hard to do all of her shitty lil extra rules#I wish I was dead honestly I'm so tired of this and I'm tired all the time#I need to take my pills but what's the point#nothing is ever gonna get better.....#for 24 years I've been sad all the time with no explanation#I wish I could kill myself now honestly why am I such a pussy#I'm so cooped up in this house too#my dad had a set schedule so I could look forward to getting out at least once a week#now I'm just rotting in the basement 24/7 cus my sleep is off and I never get to go anywhere fun#I hate my life so much :(#I don't see the point in staying alive but I'm so fucking scared of failing
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so the plot holes... were just plot holes? the unexplained things were just... unexplained things?
#I'm. a bit confused#don't get me wrong i like the finale and it was very sad and sweet#but like...#hm....#i thought we were gonna get more answers yk?#like why did Ruby make it snow#or why some things didn't add up#why so much fourth wall breaking#why those master references and such#so like#either next season clears it up with the whole mrs flood thing#or i will never trust RTD ever again#ngl#because that ending felt... sloppy? kinda?#also absolutely did not like all the Susan build up and then nothing#yes it was a trap from Sutekh but still#idk guys. idk how to feel tbh#I'll probably rewatch the whole season sometime later now that it's complete and make up my mind better#but as of now#I'm not. convinced#doctor who#doctor who spoilers#dw spoilers#dw s14#doctor who series 14#fifteenth doctor#ruby sunday#empire of death#doctor who empire of death#doctor who s14
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"I think my selfships are full of love and a lot of effort is put in and that what makes them good and worth talking about," I say into the mic.
No one boos. The crowd is non-existent. I begin to walk off in shame, when a voice speaks and commands attention from the back of an otherwise empty room.
"She's right," they say. I look for the owner of the voice. There in the 5th row stands: myself.
#blah blah your best supporter is always gonna be yourself blah blah#but its true#9 times out of 10 im the only one ever talki g about my selfships and thats okay#u have to put yourself out there#eventually ill find a selfahip that others are gonna get behind and its probably not going to be one i like as much as these now#but thats okay!#bc itll be better than nothing <3
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everytime i look in the lilith tag I see so much hate and antagonism for her, like my god.
we barely know much about her but some people are just desperate to hate on her while woobifying male characters and I can think of one word why.
#misogyny#the ending scene was complex but im on the train shes gonna be good in the end.#bc i refuse to have another stella that shit sucks#lilith is a representation of feminism and empowerment for women like beyond any fictional media#the fandom and shows portrayal of stella vs characters like valentino is a big highlight into the general misogyny that exists in fandoms#i mean fandoms have a general issue with women who are in the way of their fictional man#and again#that stems from misogyny but whateverr#lilith hazbin#hazbin hotel lilith#lilith#hazbin critical#lucifer is not some innocent man who did nothing wrong anyways#like this is obvious to people right the show is not too subtle on that#like yes hes growing and getting better#but some people would hate lilith ever being depicted as good or if she does end up morally grey as getting a redemption#i wonder what word to why that could be???#azael ranting again#sorry im sick and on meds so i dont know when to keep something in the drafts lol#hazbin hotel
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Danse has to get homesick In Sanctuary. Like despite being uncertain of how much his past is real including times with the Brotherhood, those memories were home. The Brotherhood was home especially the Prydwen.
No matter all the comfort and the luxuries SoSu could put to make him feel more relaxed or like it’s his space it’s still not home. It’s so unique to him cause everyone else has a home in a sense. A thing or place they can come and go to as they please while Danse doesn’t. He can never go back to the people he considered family and they can never go to him without serious consequences. It doesn’t help that (due to his own faults and beliefs) a good majority of the new people in his life do not exactly like him.
It’s so isolating for him as the wasteland is also a different culture in general. Theres so much he’s not used to vs what he is. But all in all I think that’s a good thing. I feel as if Danse had a better arc in game it would 100% have him learning or developing a sense of home before a sense of self. I think it gets overlooked that Danse is a person that likes or feels like he needs to belong to something. A cause, a philosophy, a mission. He needs a goal. He must learn to live for himself and his purpose but it’s clear he wants to find that through something which is why he latches onto the Sole Survivor after rather than just wander the wastes. He needs something, anything to base a sense of self on at this point in time and who better than the person that opened their home to him in the first place.
He’s a dude that needs a foundation or home to ground himself on or else he doesn’t know what to do with himself or even start.
#my persona take it that’s why despite Danse being an ass to the other companions at time SoSu gets it cause they remember when they just#woke up from the vault#like the world was so different and the things they thought were outdated wrong or nonexistent by now#Danse has a long way to go but they know how hard and detrimental it can be to do it by yourself and they know Danse would get better if he#actually learned and lived under not the bigots of steel#cause I put him in sanctuary after and he always stays far from everyone like strong and patrols the edge like he’s avoiding everyone or he#is not comfortable there so I imagine he’s like getting used to and actually letting it settle he’s a synth#his life if he wants to call it that is a lie and th wonky place he felt like he had a purpose now wants him dead#and finds him a disgrace and he certainly does to cause of bos propaganda#like he’s racist but the story clearly shows you it’s like this is what been enstilled in him cause he can get better that blind betrayal#and before I get someone being like but he only gets better cause he experiences the oppression and like yeah#he got yanked out of a pseudo religious organization with highly conservative views for the setting and was put at thr opposing end despite#all hes done and rhe brotherhoods supposed loyalty to each other doimg nothing tk belp#him and now hes realizing thag if he was a synth and didnt know ans lived a life fully beliving he was human#than maybe the brotherhood was wrong abouy things or at least synths#like hes not gonna change over night and bethany esda certainly does not know how to right charactwr arcs well in this game#fallout#fallout 4#fo4#paladin danse#danse fallout 4#talking about him like i ever side with the brotherhood
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good days aren't easy to come by
#simblr#ts4 legacy#valentine gen 4#fun fact for context on why i care so much abt him finally choosing to play the piano on his own#but it's gonna get Long so strap in#basically. the guitar he used to have had been with him since he was like...... my god. probably about 15#he bought it at a yard sale for pennies from an older woman#it belonged to her late son originally and it wasn't even . supposed to be a part of the sale in the first place. she just took a liking to#devin and figured that really it's better in the hands of someone who would use it than for it to collect dust in her garage forever#and he couldn't really practice at home. his parents... are not exactly the kindest people you've ever seen#he was too afraid of them destroying or throwing it away so he'd sneak off to god knows where and learn how to play it from old#youtube videos on his busted up phone#it quickly became Everything to him. his most prized possession. and it wasn't a shitty guitar either. the son was a professional musician#that's how ellie and devin met in the first place. he was playing at the market she used to sneak out to in the evenings to#and she instantly knew . this boy is going places and really they might as well go together#enough backstory of the backstory. long story short: he was struggling to make rent eventually and was out of vinyls to pawn off#so he had no choice left. it was either that or he'd get kicked out along with his sister. who was still struggling a lot w/ addiction#so he sold it. and it broke him. he's literally just not been the same since losing it#his sister stole him a guitar from a music shop she'd go to sometimes but it just wasn't the same and he had not played an instrument since#until now anyway#still not a guitar. but maybe someday#or he can find his old one and buy it again.........#lmfao if you made it here congrats. you win nothing bc im broke but i do respect you
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i'ma keep it real w y'all. most of the hazbin and helluva boss designs aren't actually that bad. and i think a lot of the ragging on them is just because y'all don't like the source material. and i also think a lot of the nitpicking on them is because in lieu of other shit to pick at tumblr users tend to double down on saying the aesthetics of something are bad and most of the people saying this shit haven't actually watched the shows 🤷♂️
#and for the record it's fine to not like the source material#for whatever reasons you don't like it#it's fine#AND IT'S FINE TO DECIDE YOU DON'T LIKE IT WITHOUT EVEN WATCHING IT LIKE THAT'S COOL TOO#but i've seen a lot of people saying ALL THESE DESIGNS ARE SHIT!!!#without ever like. giving a reason#and i'm gonna straight up admit to you? most of them are appealing to me lmao#most of them. alastor's giving red onceler though#LIKE YEAH THEY COULD BE BETTER DON'T GET ME WRONG#NOTHING'S PERFECT#BUT I ACTUALLY LIKE THE SHAPES AND COLORS USED#SORRY.#starscream.txt
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g*lmar rly has to be the best skajrim character on the real like even if you don't like him he just is . literally The best one i think......... on dat note i also imagine that he and ulfr*c despite being fairydust BFFs for lyfe genuinely have the worst communication skills ever seen
#text#but i already talked about how g*lmar is weird about ulfr*c anyways#literally jubilant and feeling special cus he's the only person ulfr*c actually trusts and speaks to outside of formal conversations#he's a very manly man too (like N*loth) for wanting to just control everything... well actually having ulfr*c under 'control' is enough 4 -#- him. unlike n*loth who wants to be above everything that moves. literally not about him tho#i hope that other st*rmcloaks develop a habit of going to hide downstairs in the palace whenever they can tell the vibe between -#- g*lmar and ulfr*c is off because they're gonna be yelling at each other and throwing shit around for 40 minutes in a few seconds#i don't believe they'd fight insanely often but being at an active war probably gets them heated more. Often than usual; and their -#- conflicts are never resolved. i feel like they just don't talk to each other for a good 2 days and act like nothing happened#they're way too manly and prideful to actually let the other one 'win' so they just don't say anything ever post-arguing#Tbhs g*lmar actually really likes that ulfr*c is so unstable and harrowed because it makes himself feel very good and reliable -#- but he has his limits 😂LMFAOO i bet sometimes he gets really tired of him being so traumatized. very rarely but he does think about it#i'll have to desribe that a bit better later tho... don't know how to word it atm#but maybe he wants to punch him or something BYE. no...... 💔savage as hell#he likes it in a very general sense of ulfr*c's personality especially between them but doesn't like it when it causes them to clash#this might just be mostly ulfr*c's doing cus i doubt he's actually talkative about his past issues and Troubles (torture mayhem) and -#- can't communicate anything about it or set boundaries when needed. he just gets mad or very avoidant. No fixing that tho#well it's just shameful to him so he'd rather do nothing than even admit anything to anyone Everrrrr#why does his life suck so bad LMFAOOOOOOOOO#their nasty musty mutualism .. leeching off your traumatized Bff so that he can make you feel good by saying he needs you in particular#while U pay him back with some support.......SOME#Oh well#that zero communication between some sk*rim characters looks yammy as fuck to me. A;lways. ALWAYS#nelvas is power dynamic induced...... g*lmar&&ulfr*c trauma-caused... elituli Um😂 t*llius doesn't even know any hobbies she has#bye this is why they're serving so hard
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every 2 or so minutes while coloring this i went “ugh” out loud
#dairydraws#epithet erased#naven nuknuk#ee naven#epithet erased naven#jelloapocalypse#epithet erased prison of plastic#epithet erased fanart#eepop#naven is a pain in the ass to draw when i’m not doing little cartoony style sketches of him#i molly ringwald-ified his outfit. naven nuknuk is pretty in pink#naven laughs and it’s raining all day loves to be one of the girls. he lives in the place in the side of our lives where nothing is ever#i’m getting more comfortable coloring in greens though#which is good. but i need to do more male anatomy too#i drew this in a cafe i go to every day and the barista who is very friendly caught that i was drawing and asked about it#and i told him that this is a guy from a web series and the barista looked at me and said ‘oh so you’re a nerd.’#read to filth in the upscale bougie suburban cafe#well i am a nerd. what about it. gonna hit me with coffee grinder? better make it count. better kill me in one shot
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99% of conversations on anarchism about here are hampered by people having no clue what anarchists are talking about when they refer to "the state", including, it seems, the anarchists themselves.
#juney.txt#yeah i'm some sort of ancom because i have the worst takes imaginable in all respects#but wow you guys need to like#learn the basics of what you are even talking about#read some books or hell even watch some fuckin bread tubers#watch some old thought slime videos or whatever#literally anything would be better than the nothing that currently occupies your heads#and also all the cool commies who atleast as a baseline seem to actually have reading required to call yourself one of them#or at the least are better at hiding if their politics are purely vibes-based#would help if you could approach this conversation on the anarchists term's even just a little#rather than seeing them say ''we need to abolish the entity through which the few enforce their will on the many by means of violence''#and replying ''okay but this means all of society would collapse into an unorganized mess where everyone just jacks off all day''#''how would manufacturing happen without a government''#gee you tell me. how is your society gonna run once the state withers away#god that's really what gets me. we have ostensibly incredibly similar goals#a stateless classless moneyless society#but then when anarchists talk about having a stateless classless society half of y'all are like#''wuh?? but how would that work?!?!''#like are you a communist or not.#do you even believe communism is possible?#i could understand criticisms about anarchist methods to achieving those ends. those are honestly pretty fuckin valid in a lot of places#but questioning the ends in and of themselves?!#do you think we will ever achieve communism literally ever#or are we just gonna have a socialist worker state that never completes its transition. forever.#because that would be kinda sad#give the socialist worker state estrogen. she needs it.
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Personally speaking if I had to pick one rairpair out of the entire hellaverse to become canon it would be Velvette x Verosica but man it is going to be the most lavish, fluffy, intensely intimate, passionate, rancid & disastrous 24/7 trending full blown shitstorm hell has ever seen I don't think anyone is going to be ready. Not even these two. Dear god especially not these two.
Man Verosica is just 2 for 1 on short gremlin kings who are also coincidentally emotionally constipated walking talking sacks of untreated mental illnesses wrapped up in 3 layers of intimacy issues isn't she but hey at least this one's pretty much guaranteed never to steal your credit card for horse riding lessons and most definitely won't be caught one ring down in wrath in the middle of fuck knows where with said credit card so.... yay improvement?
#and unlike the last one - they don't talk about the last one -#She likes how effortlessly confident Velvette is with everything she works with and how little she has to worry about their relationship#when she's around her#ofc the gradual loss of autonomy and general sense of self is a whole other thing and she definitely doesn't need to think about it ever-#-cause her stunningly hot drop-dead gorgeous filthy rich and famous girlfriend just designed her 10 new fashion lines for her new tour-#-without her even asking-#-and they're gonna live stream the best date she's ever going to have in the fanciest restaurant the pride rings has to offer.#she's never felt this adored & safe & content in satin knows how long she is getting herself trashed every other saturday and STILL#manages to look flawless for every magazine by morning#& Velvette tells her they look so hot together every time they take a selfie as she pulls her waist & face & hair & neck into her side#like she's ready to swallow her whole#they spoil each other with gifts & praises and shit talking ppl behind their back#and absolutely nothing between them ever went wrong#hazbin hotel shitposts#helluva boss#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel velvette#I remember having a headcannon that Velvette sends every single girl/boyfriend(toy) she has ever had to Valentino after she dumps them.#sometimes she'll even throw in a personal recommendation#Velvette is dead quiet about the breakup this time around#Valentino - for once in his life- knows better to ask#Verosika never came to pentegram city to do live shows since#angst#I suppose#which is probably all my 2 neurons are good for past 9 pm
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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HGEY I HAVENT SEEN THE FEDERATION STREAM YET BUT APPARENTLY SOMETHING HAPPENED TO A CODE ENTITY THEY KIDNAPPED AND THEY NEED TO CHECK ON IT AND I AM IMMEDIATELY WORRIED ABOUT CODEFLIPPA
#shes my daughter my beautiful baby girl nothing bad better have happened to her#cant wait for that bombshell to drop. cant wait for qcharlie and qmariana to blow up the federation forever and ever#auausysgd i dont CARE if shes a code im so attached to her#charlie and mariana dont deserve to lose their daughter AGAIN#and i KNOW charlies gonna blame himself for it. i KNOW hes gonna regret getting on that train even more now. rrhegrhhrjr#this might not even be ABOUT codeflippa but shes the only code we've seen in a /while/#and cucurucho was STARING her and charlie down at the halloween event they KNOW shes around they KNOW where charlie lives. augh.#qsmp
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well well well, if it isn't the feelings i said weren't that deep
#nano bits#this is about every single feeling i have but specifically right now.....#everyone. how does one have a crush like a normal person. idk how to have one#either i am so nonchalant that people think idc about them or i fumble through every social interaction that has—#—and will ever exist and they and their grandma notice right away#i'm 27 i should hold it together better than this#nothing's gonna come from it btw even if he found out#we respect an aro king#we still caught feelings!! but we respect an aro king i will not burden this man with (vague hand gesture refering to self)#whatever i've got going on#we play dnd together and i my character became the source of one of his character's traumatic events#<-(taunting one of the big bads for them to attack ME and getting someone else hurt by dice decision)#i was trying to keep that from happening... so it was DEF NOT ON PURPOSE but yk#i still feel so bad (and anxious. as one does. when they're normal.) nano wth is wrong with u it's playing for fun...#he's kind he won't hold it against you#nano brain: WHAT IF HE STARTS HATING ME#dude chill out. you're good. it's whatevs#(<-me lying to myself)
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bmcblr sings: (apparently both versions of) more that survive
#y’all want crusty you GET crusty#WHO decided it was a good idea for me to try this i spent so long on it and it’s still shit quality#there’s nothing i can do about that but i spent 7 HOURS ON THIS#THIS IS NOT WORTH 7 HOURS#IM NOT EXPERIENCED ENOUGH FOR THINGS LIKE THESE#tbf most of that time i was just nitpicking#it looks a little better than the one before at least#and i’m lowkey pirating the editing software i’m using#idk if that’s the right word but#it’s supposed to cost money but i got a code like 2 years ago and i’ve been using it ever since#it’s so busted it doesn’t even let me export as mp4#i have to export as something else and convert it#bmcblr sings#i know for a FACT there’s gonna be more so i’m just gonna make the tag now#bmcblr remake#i GUESS
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There is nothing my heart craves more at this mentally draining time than genuine happiness. Please. I will take anything.
#feb 2024#been spending a lot of time in the hospital with my grandmother. it looks like thse are her final days.#shes lost her ability to speak. not sure if its the alzheimer or covid and it hindering her since she is barely breathing.#not to mention the random gunshots and explosions you'd hear whenever you're in there because of the clashes#im barely making sense but my brain isnt braining#imagine gunshots and explosions being so frequent in your area that you could her one coming from the children's ward#and the only thing you could think is. oh the iof are back? where is my brother? where is my father? i hope they are safe#imagine smelling tear-gas in a ward fulp of elderly who are suffering with covid.#will this ever get better???#im not losing hope but i sure am losing faith in humanity. this is nothing compared to gaza#i saw a video where the stray animals are feeding of the corpses. could you imagine this being your loved one? your child or parent?#seeing people recognising the bodies of there friends by a piece of cloth. because thats the only thing left of them.#im not ok.#i dont know if we will ever be ok.#this has been a tough time and it seems like kts only gonna get worse.#vent
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