#nothing trully makes me laugh anymore

[volinare]

maybe YOUR crazy. my favorite color is green though so im like, about as normal as they get

Fact Checkers Or Whatever the Format Of This Is: this poster has DID, the multiple parts that share their brain have many favorite colors. The alter who posted this favorite color is Orange. 'Orange' is also the official answer for the system. I like green tho.

[shareyourloveandhope]

Hi, I came here to show you another poem od mine. I also came here to give you an encouraging word in case you're fighting with a trauma related to losing someone special.

I know that it feels like you'll never get over it and will never be happy again, but it is not true. Yes, you'll feel lost for some time and lose motivation to do everything, you'll feel like you don't have strength anymore but it will pass. Just like the winter passes, spring comes again.

One day, you'll be able to see spring again. There will be a revolution in your life. You will get over what seemed to be impossible to get over. You will be able to laugh again. You'll be able to look at the photos of this person and be happy because it will no longer cause you to have a flashback and make you cry for hours. You'll accept the loss and finally move on.

Do you know what can keep you from moving on? You. Sometimes, you might think that you want to get over it but something seems to be holding back. You keep on thinking that you want to keep this person in your memory for a lifetime and don't realize that you hurt yourself this way. Yes, keeping someone in your memory is fine but that's not healthy if you keep on having painful flashbacks and panic attacks because of it. Slowly, try to remind yourself that you'll have them in your heart anyway, you'll have them in your mind and there's no need to be sad over their loss anymore. There will always be important to you and that's what matters. I hope that you'll realize that you can be happy when thinking of them and will be able to actually experience it too~~

Where the ocean calls me

First days after you left still remain

As the ones on which I felt the most pain

Every day without you feels so empty and sad

These days are only full of the constant rain

It makes me live with grief, I'm in vain

I don't even have any strength to be mad

I could be mad at you for leaving me here all alone

I could be mad at you for making me wonder where is my home

You were my safe place where I could go

But now I have nowhere to go, it's just me and the song

That is playing in the background, it reminds me of you

It represents every moment we spent together: both of us; me and you

Now when I want us to be together, it doesn't happen

I wish it would work out everytime I start snapping

I guess spending more time with you won't become a real thing

I guess that the useless hope I have will do the same as a ship — sink

The waves will remind me of your calm personality

Ugh, how I wish our another meeting could turn into reality

The storm that is yet to come will remind me of all the negativity

All the moments when I had problems with countinuing to live happily

The enemy's ship will remind me of someone who tried to break us in two

They tried to break our relation but we didn't let them to

We kept on fighting like the brave pirates

We were ready to keep our lives on the thin lines

In order to save the connection of both of us

Nothing trully mattered, because we didn't want the memory of us to pass

We were fighting because we didn't want to say ”bye" to each other

We wanted to use some magic like Harry Potter

But what could we do? We were not magicians

There were no other things that could help us

It wasn't easy to see both of us fall apart

It wasn't easy to see us, pirates who knew each other right from the start

Say goodbye, I was more than sure

That we both will make it, how I wish it could be true

The unexpected storm came upon us

Its power destroyed everything that we had

Everything that we went through

Every wall that we broke, our every breakthrough

Every tear caused by the sadness

And every memory filled with laughter

I still see it in front of my eyes, the last moments that we spent together

The storm let me know that nothing lasts for too long, there is no forever

Sooner or later everything will change

For the worse or for the better

But to me it doesn't really matter

Because in my heart and memory there is this one ship

This one ship that I always think about, the one that I always go to

It helps me with all the painful situations that I have to go through

I know that as long as I have this ship inside of my heart, I'll be fine

I just hope I will be able to see you in the afterlife

Just promise me that you'll wait for me this time

One day I'll come to you, the most important part of my life, my captain

But for now, I'll look at the ocean that reminds me of you and me

This ocean is special. Everytime I look at it, I feel like you're calling me by my name

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My song recommendation for today is ”Be alright” by Ariana Grande. Have a good listen. I hope you're having a great day that's filled with a lot of happiness — that's what you deserve.

[mentalpolaroids]

GH | 36. Cats Outta The Bag

GH 35  GH 1

hichasestokes

Liked by madelyncline, kellyinwinterland and 2,653,118 others hichasestokes cats outta the bag ❤

user so glad you guy found one another! user1 can someone tell me if they are dating in real life???? kellyinwinterland YES PARENTS ❤ I love you guys so much -hichasetokes @kellyinwinterland ❤ -madelyncline @kellyinwinterland I love you bby user2 OH. MY. GOD. user3 Congrats 😍

_____________________

"Ok miss, I though we agreed to tell each other when this happened!", I exclaimed, speaking to Maddie through facetime. "Sorry! I was going to but Chase just wanted to drop the bomb just like that." "I'm kidding! No need to be sorry, you know I'm super happy for you guys!" I called Maddie as soon as I saw Chase's post. I didn't even care that she didn't tell me, I was trully happy for them and I couldn't wait to hug them and congratulate them. I was certain those two were each other's soulmates' and I was just so freaking excited for them. Rudy was in the shower while I still laid in bed in nothing but underwear and a shirt I stole from him. I noticed him coming out of the bathroom wearing just a towel around his waist. I tried hard not to stare at his body and focus on Maddie instead, who also seemed to be focused on something else but she was still talking to me. My eyes were glued to the phone to avoid checking out the boy that was making his way towards the end of bed. "Tell Chase he better treat you right or I will personally smash his toes.", I said, fighting back a smile when Rudy started to crawl over my legs, lifting my shirt a little to drop a kisses on my lower abdomen, slowly going higher. That guy was going to be the death of me. "Thank you Kelly, love you too.", Chase yelled in the background. "I gotta go Kelly baby, I miss you, please come visit soon!", Maddie said and I mentally thanked her for ending the call because Rudy's lips on my skin and his hands caressing my hips were making me lose my senses. "I will, I promise!", it took everything in me to speak as normal as possible, which was hard due the to guy who kept on lifting up my shirt and kissing my skin, getting closer to my chest. My biggest fear now was accidentaly touch somwhere on the screen, flip the camera over and give Maddie a show I was certain she didn't want to watch. We said our goodbyes and as soon as I ended the call, I threw my phone somewhere on the bed and gave all my attention to Rudy. His mouth was warming up the spot between my breats, his eyes glued to mine, making me go crazy. "Are you enjoying yourself?" I asked, my voice coming out surprisingly audible. "Very.", he smirked, detaching his mouth from my chest to get himself over my entire body and kiss my lips. It was probably the most passionate kiss we ever shared. It was needy but slow at the same time, unmasking the lust and sexual tension agglomerated over the last weeks. My hands switched between his cheeks, neck and hair while his took care of taking the rest of my shirt off. I was totally going against my mindset lately, about not wanting to dive in until I knew for sure where this relationship was going, but when his eyes met mine after throwing my shirt to the floor, I didn't care. I was all in for it. Officially or not, I wanted him, I needed him, and he needed me as much, if his body language was any indication. In between more lustful kisses, needy touches and pleasant breaths, I lost my underwear and Rudy lost his towel, finally showing our love for each other in ways words couldn't.

"Chase and Maddie annouced their relationship on Instagram. It was cute. I'm so happy for them!" I was laying on Rudy's sweaty chest, still straddling him, with his towel over our lower bodies. His fingers were running around my back, his fingertips relaxing my tired but pleased body. I was still trying to process was had just happened but not for a millisecond did I regret it. "Fucking finally!", he mumbled, excited. "Yeah." We stayed silent for not even a minute until he broke it. "We should do the same." I lifted my head instantly. Was he being serious? "What?" "Yeah, I mean, do I still have to ask you to be my girlfriend or was the mind-blowing-best-sex ever enough to make it official." I blushed at the mention of our activities earlier and hid my face in his chest, making him laugh. I kissed his chest after a few seconds and looked back at him. "You really want to make this official?" "Of course. Do you?" "I've been waiting for it for quite some time actually." "Are you telling me we could've done this sooner? And we waisted all this time?" "No.", I answered, playfully. "Fair enough. Was worth the wait though.", he smiled, pulling my face closer to kiss me.

_________________

rudeth

Liked by kellyinwinterland, madelyncline and 1,967,209 others rudeth Oh would you look at that, our cats outta the bag too 😀 @kellyinwinterland ❤

user OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD user1 I FUCKING KNEW IT ❤❤❤ kellyinwinterland Kudy user2 my heart user3 OH. MY. GOOOOOD its happening I love it user4 I've been waiTING FOR THIS ONE madelyncline FINALLY! My Kudy heart couldn't take it anymore hichasestokes Yay officialy mom & dad(dy) ❤ madisonbaileybabe MY BABIES GREW UP SO FAST user5 Like if you stan Kudy austinnorth55 Awwwww PARENTS jonathandavissofficial FINALLY! ❤

____________________

kellyinwinterland

Liked by rudeth, hichasestokes and 15,786 others kellyinwinterland My golden hour ☀❤ @rudeth I love you stoopid

user IM SO SOFT RIGHT NOW user1 "my golden hour" THATS SO CUTE BYE hichasestokes I can proudly say I was the one who took this picture so I guess that officialy makes me the best man at the wedding -kellyinwinterland @hichasestokes Right. Anyways, pc to Tammy madisonbaileybabe I'm living so much for this relationship already madelyncline Double dates. Double dates. Double dates user2 KUDY IS REAL YES user3 I love them so much user4 YOU GUYS 😍😍 drewstarkey Hey @austinnorth55 it's just you and me now man austinnorth55 @drewstarkey let's crash their dates jonathandavissofficial Aww this made me smile user5 Parents

____________

The End

____________

Thank you so much for reading Golden Hour, this is my first finished book so I really hope you guys enjoyd the story as much as I enjoyed writing it and creating it 🥰

Feedback is much appreciated 💕

I love you people See ya ✨

[sweet-villain]

Smile & A Giggle~ Ben Barnes

Notes : He was your chasing light, your best friend and your favorite person. Things changed and everything you saw was in black and white. 

Tag : @laziestgirlintheworld​

Note : If you want to be tagged in my Ben Barnes stuff, please let me know. I only know the tags for my Sebastian stuff. 

The special smile he shared with you meant more than just a simple smile. Now he shares it with every othe girl that is in his life. You? He had no words. Nothing for you anymore. 

“ I haven’t had pizza in over year. I’m being serious. Don’t look at me like that.”You shared with Ben that you have not eaten a slice in forever and he was sitting across from you staring wide eyed with his mouth a gape, in shock. 

“ I don’t believe that! That’s crazy! There are so many places that you can have pizza at, not even once? I don’t know how you live with yourself.” He shook his head while taking a slice.

“ I guess pizza isn’t for everyone” Ben narrowed his eyes, and threw a piece of cheese at you. “ Hey!” 

“ Stop it” a giggle escapes your mouth making him smile, that smile that only he shown you. Something about it. It was special. 

The table next to yours had two girls sitting at them, glancing both at you and Ben. You noticed they have been glancing, and you glanced over to wave at them.

“ You two are so cute!” one of them beams as she eyes Ben, then looks over to you sending you a small smile. You look back at Ben, then at her. A giggle escapes your mouth.

“ Oh, he and I are just friends but, thank you” Ben raises his eyebrow but shrugs and mumbles a, “ thanks.” 

“ Can I get a bite of your pizza?” You suddenly ask him, his eyesbrows knitted together. Why in the world would you want to eat his when you have the same slice of pizza?

He swallows the peice he has in his mouth before talking. 

“ Why?” You shrugged. 

“ Your must be better than mine” He was still confused on why you wanted to take a bite of his pizza but offers you his slice, and feeds it to you. You take a bite and sigh in happiness. 

The only reason you wanted him to do that, was to be close to him. 

“ You know it wouldn’t be so bad if we dated....I mean I could take you here again for a date.” He took another slice of pizza, feeling embarrased that he blurted that out, and he looked away. It was cute. His cheeks were bright red.

Ben Barnes was too adorable. 

A giggle escapes your mouth. “ Well what if we kissed?” 

He let out a nervous chuckle and licked his lips before he looked over at you, “ Does that mean I can see what kissing you might be like?” You replied with another giggle and a nod. 

“ Okay...” He nodded reaching over to the napkin and wiping his face and hands clean. You were watching him. He scooted his seat closer over to you and reached with his hand, his fingers dancing under your chin. He paused as he watched your reaction. His eyes fluttered close as he leaned in, so did yours.

He kissed you, his lips dancing with your like you two were on a dance floor. It felt like everyone else were far away while it was just you and Ben. Nothing mattered at the moment. Just this moment. Right here with Ben.

The kiss was soft and slow, and sweet. It was comforting and felt right.This kiss means something, you knew deep down what it was. But you are afraid. Afraid to love him.

It was the moment he knew how he felt about you too. 

Throwing some stones into the pond, watching them bounce and hearing a laughter, but it wasn’t his. You missed that laugh.

It’s been raining most of the day, and you loved the rain. You were just walking down the street from your house to a nearby park. Where usually dogs would run around, playing ball or playing fetch with their owners. It been replaced by the heavy rain pouring on your head and onto the street. Your boots squeaked as you walked, you liked it. A car zooms past you and stopping at a red light. It was a Mercedez Benz, white color but the rain made it hard to figure out if it was really white or silver.

Walking to a near by park was something you did most of the days you had free time. It was when you had time to think and figure things out. Ben knew where you would be if you did not answer your phone or he would come meet you at the park. It was yours and his spot.

Being out there didn’t feel as scary because Ben would come to you or he would be already there with you. 

Tonight. Something was different. Ben was so quite and it wasn’t like him at all.

You sat on the green wet grass, not really caring if you were going to stain your jeans or get wet. You were already wet from walking to the park. Ben sat down next to you, but on a rock with his feet planted on the ground. He wasn’t looking anywhere but the ground. 

“ It’s pouring, badly out tonight”

Ben mumbles, but you heard him, “ yeah, it is.” 

You turn to look at him, “ What’s going on?” He looks up meeting your eyes. “ Nothing.”

He slides down next to you on the wet grass outsretching his legs as he played with the grass. You reached over to take his hand in yours, he interlaced his fingers with yours. 

The night was quite but Ben’s gaze was on your hand that was in his. He took a deep breath and looked up at you, you were already looking at him. 

“ I.. think.. I’m falling for you..”

“ Oh...I think I am too...” Ben smiled at you. That smile. There it is again. 

He pulled your hand, and you moved in between his legs leaning back into his chest. He wrapped his arms around your waist and smelled your hair. Rain with a mix of your shampoo.

“ You really are falling for me?” he runs his fingers through your wet hair, combing it. 

“ I do, I do. I know I do” 

“ Good, I am really falling for you too”

That very moment, you believed him. 

Here you were sitting in the rain, but he’s not there. He isn’t holding you. Not anymore. 

“ Welcome home” You walked through the door, just coming home from work when you were greeted by Ben’s voice. “ Awe, thank you. That was cute” you walked further into the house to see him lounging on the couch, with a script in his hand. 

“ I did my best” He shrugged, a giggle escapes your mouth.

“ How was work?” He asks, sitting up and putting the script on the coffee table that was in front of him. He ran his hand through his hair, and yawned. 

“ I don’t really want to talk about it, I don’t wanna be upset again.” You sat your purse down on the couch before you stretched. It was a long day at work

“ Oh no, I don’t like it when your sad. Come here, I’ll make it better” He opned his arms. You gladly made your way over to him and sat on his lap, his arms made their way around your waist and he kissed your cheek. His beard tickling your cheek casuing you to giggle.

A sound he loved. 

He laughed hearing your giggle.

“ You’re so pretty,” he mumbles gazing up at you cuping your cheek with his hand.

You giggled again, “ you’re cheesy.” You ran your fingers through his hair loving how it feels when you do.

“ You’re hair so soft and you are too” you boped his nose. He scrunched it and playfully rolled his eyes.

You gasped, “ Ben Barnes! Did you just roll your pretty eyes at me?” 

He laughed, and shrugged. 

“ So what if I did? Whatcha gunna do?” 

You playfully pushed him down on the couch. He gasped, dramtically before tugging you down with him on the couch by your wrist. 

You laid on top of him. It was quite for a moment. He couldn’t stop looking at you. You are the most beautiful girl he had laid eyes on. He sees the real you. 

“ I love you” he says it for the very first time. 

“ I love you, too” you leaned in a bit, planting a kiss on his nose. 

Now he doesn’t know how he feels about you. There is nothing to feel for you. 

He was your best friend, and your lover. But things have changed, and you wished you never met him.

You trully loved him and wished you didn’t open your hear to him.

Here you were on that same couch, hurting and wishing he’d be here. But he isn’t. 

It’s been so long, and there is that empty feeling. That missing piece. 

That light is gone. There is nothing more. 

Not even hope. 

[gamerwoo]

Hansol: Fear the Cursed Lover

Characters: Hansol x reader (gender neutral) ((but I might’ve slipped up a few times because this wasn’t looked over so i’m sorry))

Genre/warnings: fantasy au, kinda horror, angst, slight fluff, death

Word count: 1,318

Summary: Got to get away. I can’t hesitate anymore. Everything turns grey. I cut out my fantasy and escape. Before the poison spreads, got to get away.

a/n: i’m gonna be honest guys, i’m not super proud of this one but i spent way longer trying to figure it out than i wanted to, and i have to finish writing the rest of them. so i’m really sorry that it’s not necessarily as good or as ‘creepy’ as the others but i didn’t get to put my 100% into it and that’s my fault for not planning my time better

Tag list: @exo-chan-kai @purpleseleva @mntax @squishy-yamdumplings @linophobia @fullsun-donghyuck @greenmetalroof

Fear Masterlist

She thought he was unfaithful. She thought he was a cheater. She thought he deserved the curse, but he did nothing but treat her as best as he could. But she wouldn’t accept explanations and left him with the most horrible parting gift she could.

“From now on, any lover of yours will suffer from an awful, horrible death, and you will have to live forever with your guilt,” she had sworn before disappearing forever, for Hansol to never see again.

At first, he thought maybe she was just crazy. He hadn’t known she was a witch or ever suspected her to be one, so he thought she was just that angry that she would make up something to scare him. So he moved on and found a new love. One that had a loud laugh that could be heard throughout the town, and always misplaced her things, and was a bit clumsier than normal.

A little too clumsy.

While out for a walk by the river, she was holding onto Hansol’s hand while walking along the rocks. But her foot slipped, and as Hansol was taken by surprise, he couldn’t pull her upright. She fell sideways into the river, smashing her head off a rock and dying instantly. He frantically called her name as her body floated down the river, gasping when he felt a cold hand on his shoulder.

“Any lover of yours,” he heard a familiar voice whisper in his ear, “will suffer from an awful, horrible death, and you will have to live forever with your guilt.”

But when he whipped around, nobody was there.

After that day, Hansol ran away. The town never saw him again, and he was accused of murdering his lover that had died in the river after her body was found days later. He kept away from civilization and learned to live in the forest among the animals. He couldn’t get them killed horrifically, at least. And they liked Hansol. Trully, he was kind and caring. But because of his curse, he was doomed to be alone forever despite that.

Until you wandered into his life.

He knew he shouldn’t have let you get so close, but he was weak for the friendship you offered. Speaking to woodland creatures all the time could only get rid of so much of his loneliness, and they couldn’t respond to him. So when you kept coming back to find him after he had helped you when you twisted your ankle in the woods, he couldn’t manage to push you away. He told himself that as long as he didn’t fall in love with you, you’d be okay.

It did start out harmless. You were intrigued by the strange woodland boy who had helped you when you were picking berries and twisted your ankle on a tree root. You wanted to know more about him, and you wanted to offer companionship since he didn’t seem to have anybody else out in the forest. And he seemed to appreciate that you kept coming back days, weeks, months after that afternoon in the woods. He always smiled brightly and laughed warmly when you were around. But what you didn’t know is that for the first time since that day by the river, he started to feel whole again. And slowly, he felt more and more whole.

But that was his downfall.

The more whole you made him feel, the more he fell for you. He didn’t even realize he was in love with you. He just knew you made him feel happy again. You gave him the care he craved. You listened when he was feeling down, you hugged him when he wanted to feel comfort, and you made him laugh just because you liked to. He hadn’t even realized how much he missed all of that until you came along.

He thought he’d found the loophole. He thought he could be happy again. He thought you would be safe.

“Have you always been good at spearing fish?” you asked as you watched him one day as he stood on two rocks in the middle of the stream, pulling out his spear to show off a fish on the end of it.

“No,” he laughed, “definitely not. It takes practice. Could you pass me the bucket, please?”

You hummed in response as you got up to grab the bucket Hansol put the fish in to carry back to his den.

Hansol looked up, staring off into the woods while he waited. But something unusual caught his eye off to his right on the opposite side of the stream you were on. Peeking out from behind a tree was a face that was much too familiar. She hadn’t aged at all, but that wasn’t what sent chills down his spine. It was the fact she was there at all. And he knew what it meant.

Hansol whipped his head toward you to see that you were already stepping on one of the rocks to lean over and hand him the bucket he asked for.

“Wait, _____, no--!”

It was like deja vu. Watching you fall happened in slow motion. He tried to reach out to catch you, but you were just barely out of his reach. Your head hit against a rock with a noise that made him whimper. But this time, the one he loved didn’t die on impact.

Hansol dropped the spear and jumped into the water, wading through to get to you. The water level was low so it was easy to get to you, but it didn’t make him any less panicked. He said your name over and over, even when he’d gathered your wet body in his arms and gotten you back to shore, laying you down in the grass and maneuvering you so your head was in his lap. He could see that your eyes were starting to go out of focus, going back in briefly before the same thing happened again. 

Hansol looked back up toward where he’d seen the witch. She had an amused smirk on her face with a glint in her eyes. She tapped on her wrist like there was a watch there. Time? Time! Did he have time to save you? 

He had to get away from you. Run as far away from you as he could before the curse could take effect on you and claim your life, too. He didn’t even think twice as he stood up and bolted in whatever direction, leaving you there alone on the bank of the stream. Even though he could hear you softly whimpering his name, begging for his help, as you tried to keep consciousness, he didn’t turn around. No matter how much hearing you pulled on his heartstrings, he kept running. Far, far away. Deeper into the woods where nobody would ever find him again. He’d keep himself away from other humans at all cost, even if they were injured or lost. He couldn’t risk this again. He couldn’t feed into this fantasy that he could be happy again and let somebody lose their lives because of him. 

The witch chuckled as she appeared on the other side of the stream. She approached you as your eyes started to glaze over. Hansol’s name was the last thing to pass your lips before she watched all the life drain from your eyes. Because nothing could truly save you once he fell in love, she just wanted to make the guilt worse for him and let you die all alone -- and he would know that when he inevitably went snuck back to town to see if you had made it. The curse had started to take effect as soon as he felt it in his heart, and even as Hansol tried to escape, she knew he still loved you. That was why he ran, after all.

[randomfandomimagine]

Amazing ‘The Amazing Devil’ Things (Horror and the Wild)

I need to fangirl for a little because I absolutely love The Amazing Devil and I was so excited for the new album, and it did not dissapoint!! They put so much love and passion into this and it is art! I have been saving a bit of money and since their music makes me so happy I might buy the album. I wanted to talk about my favorte things about it under the cut (warning: it’s long). If anyone wants to listen to this piece of art, they posted it on Bandcamp here :D

The Rockrose and the Thistle

The sound of wind in the background, such a cool little detail!

Joey’s soft voice and how it breaks on ‘thistle’, omg

The sewing metaphor, I absolutely love it!

Madeleine subtly joining in 😍

The atmosphere! How unsettling and moving the song is

‘The kindest thing is to never leave you alone’

The Horror and the Wild

I thought I couldn’t love this song more and then came the studio version

I am a nerd and have so much fun singing this one!!

Even if it’s almost impossible to sing both their parts hahah

The beginning reminds me of Led Zeppelin’s Kashmir and I love it!

Some lyrics I trully adore, like:

‘You’re the words I promise I don’t mean’

‘and I am Time itself, I slow to let you play, I steal the hours and turn the night into day’

The change after ‘remember me I ask, remember me I sing’

How they move on to the chorus using a similar sounding word

‘Give me back my heart you wingless thing / think of all the horrors’

I absolutely adore how they sing ‘wild’ in this version

How Joey’s voice raises with ‘the’ and ‘your’ in the chorus

‘Fret. Not. Dear. Heart. Let. Not. Them. Hear’ and the drums!!

Joey singing that growly ‘remember me’

Then what is probably my favorite part of the song:

Just how cool it sounds, how fun it is to sing along, the awesome lyrics…

Fret not dear heart, let not them hear

The mutterings of all your fears, the fluttering of all your wings

Welcome to the storm, I am thunder,

Welcome to my table bring your hunger

The repetition of ‘old man’ and how the song slightly fades at the end

Wild Blue Yonder

How upbeat it is!! Catchy and fun rhythm!

When they sing ‘wonder’ and ‘yonder’ together

‘Hold’ (pause) ‘this time we’re done for’ 👏

‘So hold me like you used to, so tight I’d bruise you’

Everytime they use the word ‘love’ I melt

Or ‘dear heart’, ‘darling’ or anything like that, for that matter 😍

It is my absolute kryptonite, seriously!

‘All those books we both drowned’

‘I’m lost, I’m found, in you’

‘Can you hear that scratching’

‘robot vampire’…. just 😂

Madeleine’s voice when she sings the high ‘hide under the covers’

Welly Boots

One of my personal favorites!! (if you can’t tell)

The guitar!! Love that riff!!

The changes in tone, I love them so much

As many have said before, it reminds me of the Witcher episode 6

Just these lyrics!!

The change in rhythm after this last part!! So good!!

And I love you, don’t you know

That I’ll be with you all along, as long as you are kind

To those who are not strong and cannot find their scarlet welly boots

Cos when it’s cold

I’ll wrap my scarf around you

And when it’s hard

I’ll place your head into my hands

And when you scream that it’s not fair,

It’s like I’ve gone off to the coast

Left you behind just standing there

Pretending not to see your ghost

If only you could hear my voice

But you are screaming far to loud to hear me swear

Just because I left doesn’t mean that I’m not still there

The drums set the rhythm so well and I love them in this song especially!

‘But I’ll stick up for you, even though you haven’t got a clue, you haven’t got a fucking clue, And I’m so proud of you‘

Bonus points for Joey swearing 😂

‘I know you’re strong enough to do this on your own’

As always, Madeleine’s beautiful voice joining in 😍

‘Just when you’re about to give up every hope you have you turn around Perched by the stairs, someone’s gone and left behind, A brand new pair of scarlet welly boots’

That part hits me right in the feels and I can’t even tell why

The outro guitar riff, even if it makes me sad that it’s over

Farewell Wanderlust

THE PIANO FOLLOWED BY MADELEINE’S VOICE? I’M DEAD

THE SONG LITERALLY JUST STARTED, WTF? I’M IN LOVE

Joey’s voice lowly accompanying Madeleine’s 

‘I’m the hardest goodbye that you’ll ever have to say’

Just… Madeleine’s voice, it’s too gorgeous, I can’t handle it!!

How the piano stops at ‘I’m the Jesus of wishing to Christ he’ll come back‘

The way she sings ‘She’s down. She’s dead’ and the piano? Aaaaah

Joey whispering the lyrics and then his voice gathering strength

‘I promise you I’m not broken, I promise you there’s more’ gets me every time 😭

The way Joey sings ‘adieu’ is amazing and I don’t know why?

When they sing the chorus together it’s too much!! Omg, this is art!

The fucking ending is so brilliant, perfect end to a perfect song!

The tune also reminds me of an Avenged Sevenfold song, ’Acid Rain’

Maybe it’s the piano? Idk, but it just moved me all the more

Because Avenged Sevenfold is one of my favorite bands 😚

So when favorite bands collide I just can’t even hahah 😊

Fair

Probably my favorite along with Welly Boots (this is gonna be long)

This one reminds me so much of my series Soul of a Warrior (Jasnissa!)

‘It’s what my heart just yearns to say, In ways that can’t be said’

The first lyrics and I am already in love with the words in this song

Let’s just assume I fell in love with every single word of this one

Joey’s voice is so beautiful to listen to, I am s w o o n i n g

‘And he holds her close just to keep the world at bay’

‘It’s not fair how much I love you’ 😱😍😭

I really love the guitar in this one too

Again, those lyrics!!! Absolutely captivating:

The way his voice kind of breaks a little sometimes when he lowers it

And if you asked me to, if you asked me I would lose it all

Like petals in a storm, cos darling I was born

To press my head between your shoulder blades at night when light is fading

Just to let you know I’m old, waylaid and feels like I am wading into

carpet burns and carousels oh Christ you’ll be the death of me

And calm throughout his melodrama she will turn and say ‘dear heart It’s me, its me

You don’t need to pretend to be someone you’re not

The Office reference and the ‘that’s what she said’? Joey, you nerd 🥰

Also, how he kind of laughs as he is saying it? 

‘cos you make me ache you bastard’ aaaaaaaaah

That Unwanted Animal

This one gives me very specific vibes that I can’t identify

It’s like kind of medieval and dark but there’s something else

Still, I absolutely love them, this one is so unique!

When Madeleine whispers ‘you light the candle’, literal chills

Why is her voice so beautiful?! Stop it, ma’am, you are too powerful!

‘You try so loud to love me, But I cannot seem to hear’ 

The hushed ‘Throw the plate at the wall’ and the change? Amazing!

The vocals in the background are incredible!

More fanfastic lyrics, they never stop!

‘Be good to me, I whisper. And you say what. And I said nothing dear’ 

‘And these plates they smash like waves’ Battle Cries!!!

And you rip my ribcage open

And devour what’s truly yours

And our screaming joins in unison

I cry out to the lord

The lyrics never fail to amaze me, they are so damn good!

‘No, not I’ Joey? Sir, please, have mercy 😂

That ending with Madeleine’s voice and the drum and the guitar and the violin? *chef’s kiss*

Marbles

Again, knew this by heart because of the live version

And the studio version just improves it if that’s possible?

The instruments at the beginning already give me chills

And then Joey and Madeleine taking turns to sing? Ugh! 

When the drum comes in I absolutely love it

I think this version is a bit slower than the live one? I like it!

It’s also softer, they’re almost whispering at the start 💗

‘And you’re the thigh high hemline I just can’t stop staring at’ is, for some reason, such a fun line to sing :)

‘The flat we rented was a palace for my queen’

‘She sang do you think I’m sexy? And oh god I really did’

‘You’re not flawed darling, you’re just a little under-rehearsed’

My favorite part, even if I can’t exactly say why:

This song just tells such a compelling story!

And I’d sink to the floor, what’s the point anymore,

And you, you’d reply with a glint in your eye

(And you, you’d reply with a drink in your hand)

Saying ‘I don’t know, but I’m here, I’m all yours, dear heart don’t cry’

THE CHORUS IS PURE LOVE, OKAY?

‘Your eyes aren’t rivers there to weep but a place for crows to rest their feet’ is such a lovely thing? 

More amazing lyrics:

How Joey holds the note in ‘day’ and shifts back into the chorus

I’ve loved you, for a hundred years

Certainly fucking feels like it

The minute I met you the colours of my life begun to pour

I’m scared of the dark

And now, even though you’re mad and these memories won’t stay, it’s okay.

Cos now I get to meet you for the first time every single day

This song also reminds me a bit of the Witcher and Jaskier

‘The crows feet are new‘

‘Are you perhaps short of a marble?!′

Again, they nail the ending with Madeleine’s beautiful vocals

Battle Cries

As always, the guitar sounds great!

Something they often do that I love is how they sing different lyrics at the same time, Joey and Madeleine singing together is my weakness

THE LYRICS!

‘After summers of fasting I feel hunger at last’

But that breathing you hear don’t mistake it for sighs

Don’t you realise - They’re just battle cries dear

And these lines aren’t wrinkles dear heart

Hardly knew the words

They’re just dollops of paint on a new work of art

I’m dolled up love don’t I deserve to just

And as I walk away I know I’ve been through the wars,

But that creaking you hear in my bones is not pain, it’s applause

‘Our devils broke rank, and out of the depths came an army’

With you I could summon the gods and the stars

Watch them dance out the plays that we wrote from the heart

And we’d laugh at the ghosts of our fears. We were kids.

‘This isn’t a break up, dear heart, it’s a season finale’

This one just gets me with the tune and the lyrics together!

All it took to unearth in the dust and the dirt

Some release or respite from the heat and the hurt

Was taking the time now and then to ask how I am

And now at the end, at the end of all things,

I’m not going to scream, beat my chest at the wind,

I’m doing fine.

Also, Madeleine’s beautiful melody before the chorus, omg!

To summarize, this album made such an impression on me. I literally don’t remember last time I connected so much with someone’s music. They are all such incredible people and talented musicians, and Joey’s lyrics just stayed in my heart, he’s so incredible! 

[coryfirelion]

OC Quiz (with a Twist ;P)

Tagged by @rpgwarrior4824 Thanks for tagging me n.n

Tagging:  @wickedwitchofthewilds, @cassandra-pentughasst and @cartadwarfwithaheartofgold. No obligations. ( tagging @natsora​ just to have some fun reading about this “not so badass” oc out of her work XD)

The original Quiz can be found in @rpgwarrior4824 blog :D I wanted to have some fun with this, so instead a Quiz about my OC, here is an interview to my OC ;)

OC: Carrie Staton (and May Adams at her back, just to make sure Carrie won’t say anything she doesn’t need to say -w- ) (Fanfic: One Last Trip - Original Work)

Asked someone to marry you? *smirking, turns to May* “Would you-” *stops before the glare in May’s eyes* “Not.....yet” ;) ;) *May rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling :D*

Kissed one of your friends? *scratches her head* “Yess...?” *turns to see May* (”It was back at the training and it meant nothing! Really!”) *May’s chill, trully* -w-

Danced on a table in a bar or tavern? “In my defense, they shouldn’t play those songs when they serve that kind of alcohol!”

Ever told a lie? “Welp, yeah. Who doesn’t?” *turns to May* “But not to you, May. I’d never lie to you.” *May archs an eyebrow* “And what about that time when-” (*BEEEEEEP*)

Had feelings for someone whom you can’t have? “Well...” *squeezes May’s hand* “That doesn’t matter anymore :’)”

Ever kissed someone of the opposite sex? "Yes. I have a dark past >:v”

Ever kissed someone of the same sex? ".... Are you really asking that?”

Kissed a picture? "No? Why should I when I have the real deal right here.” *tries to kiss May* *May glares* *Carrie uses Puppy Eyes* *It´s super effective!* *May kisses Carrie cheek* “Victory!”

Slept in until 5pm? "After a trip through Ground Zero I would like to see you waking up before 5 pm.”

Fallen asleep at work or school? "I need to sleep at work! Correction, I - Ouch Ouch Ouch” *May pulls Carrie ear* “No spoilers, Carrie.” 

Held a snake? "A snake? An albino mutant larva counts?”

Been suspended from school? "Once, and he totally deserved that punch in the face! Nobody tells me what to do in that tone!” “Carrie, he was your Captain.” “And I’ll do it again!”

Stolen something? "Technically, yeah? The things I pick as trinkets aren’t mine, so :v”

Done something you regret? "Hella lot of things, but this interview has to end some day.”

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? "What the heck is a snowflake?”

Laughed until liquid came out of your nose? “HA! Yeah! Just this morning! Let me explain. So May was- ouch ouch ouch” *May pulls Carrie ear...again*

Kissed in the rain? "Here doesn’t rain :( ”

Sat on a roof top? "In almost every mission”

Kissed someone you shouldn’t? "Next?...Please?”

Sang in the shower? "But of course! and I’m an excellent singer” *May burst to laugh* “The dog starts to howl when he listens to you” “He’s singing the chorus!”

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? "Clothes and suit! That bastard! But then I punched his face!” *May looks amused at Carrie* “How did you finished your training?” “I was the best on the field, what else? >:D”

Shaved your head? "Yeap, is a custom when you finish your training they shave your head. That and they have to put the-” “No spoilers -.-’ ”

Slept naked? "Nope, feel weird x_x”

Made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? *turns to see May* "That won’t happen again, ok?”

Donated blood? "No, too contaminated.”

Eaten alligator meat? "What’s that?”

Eaten cheesecake? "I love it <3 Dark cherry, please”

Still loved someone you shouldn’t? "Nope -w-”

Have/had a tattoo? *turns and lifts her shirt, small tattoos of her trinkets cover all her back* “I have one for every time I’d come back, so there must be a bit more than 100”

Liked someone, but will never tell who? "No?”

Been too honest? “Sometimes, sometimes”

Ruined a surprise? "Completly guilty, and proud of it. That’s not the kind of surprise you want to find out. x_x ”

Eaten so much that you can’t walk after? "When you put the suit, you need to weight at least 45 lbs more than your normal weight, the suit will eat you otherwise. So, yeap.”

Dressed in a man’s clothes? “THEY. HAVE. POCKETS!!”

Dressed in a woman’s clothes? *Carrie blushes* “Yes, she did it. Yes, she looked pretty. And no, she would never do it again. Next one.” 

Joined a pageant? *Both arch an eyebrow* "A what??”

Still have communication with your ex? “He’s dead. Do you have a ouija chart?”

Been told that you’re beautiful by someone who meant it? *Carrie Tomato Mod ON* *May giggles* “Next question?”

Cheated on someone? "Never! >:( ”

Gotten totally drunk and missed an exam? “Drunk yes, but I passed the exam. I’m a legend. B) ”

A total stranger treated you by paying your fare? "Nope.”

Got so angry that you cried? "Yesssss...”

Tried to stay away from someone for their own good? "I’m a threat to myself only :v”

Thought about suicide? *May squeezes Carrie’s hand* "....Next?”

Thought about murder? "I didn’t think so...no?”

Actually murdered someone? “Mutants...and *SPOILERS* >:v”

Thought about mass murder? "SPOILERS”

Actually committed a mass murder? "SPOILERS”

Rode in a stranger’s vehicle? "Yeap, he was so kind to leave the keys in the car :D”

Stalked someone? "No need it -w-”

Had a girlfriend? "I.HAVE.THE.BEST.GIRLFRIEND.IN.THIS.DAMMED.WORLD.”

Had a boyfriend? "As I said, I have a dark past.”

Gotten totally drunk during a holiday? "And who doesn’t?” *May raises a hand* “I don’t” *Carrie takes her hand and kisses it* “Who that isn’t perfect doesn’t?”

[not-so-mundane-after-all]

Home

All the hype over this year's crossover, and the fact that they're gonna be in Smallville finally pushed me to write this. I always wanted to see more background of Kara and Clark's relationship on the show. We got 2 flashback episodes focusing on Kara's relationship with Alex, one in s1 and one in s3. I wish we could get one for Clark too. And I always wanted to see Kara in Smallville, but until I saw that picture from the set of Elseworlds, I didn't think they would ever do it on the show. So this is an in-dept look on their relationship how I imagine it. I wrote it after rewatching few episodes and analizing Kara's behaviour around Clark. So i hope you'll like it. Please, leave a comment, it would mean a world to me to know what you guys think. Enjoy!

Summary: She looked at him and saw pride in his eyes. She hoped he could see how proud of him she was. They've had a lot of ups and downs, together and seperately, but they came back stronger from all of it... On a peacefull night in Smallville, Kara and Clark look back at their relationship, what it meant for them back then, and what it means for them right now.

You can find it on AO3

When they arrived to Smallville, Kara felt a sense of nostalgia.

She had so many fond memories from the Kent farm – when she was still in high school, she would come here every summer, sometimes bringing Alex along. Even if it was only for a week or so – Clark still had his job at Daily Planet and couldn't take as many days off as he would like to – those few days always felt like the best time. Mostly, because she was able to spent some time with her cousin and be 100% herself. They were few good miles from the nearest neighborhood, surrounded by meadows and woods and hills, so they could fly around and use full extent of their powers without caring about hiding they identitites – they could just be Kara and Kal, the last children of Krypton.

Her visits became less and less frequent after she went to college. She doesn't really know why, maybe there wasn't enough time, maybe she was too ocupied with the changes in her life – moving to National City and finding job after college, being normal... Last time she was here she wasn't even working at CatCo yet...

“Man, I haven't been here in years...” Kara said as she got out of the car, Barry and Oliver following her. Right now they had their weird situation on their heads – with the mind-switching or whatever-that-is – and Clark decided it would be better to lay low for a while and try to come up with a resolution – that's why the four of them came to the Kent Farm in the first place.

“I actually haven't been here in a while either.” said Clark as he joined her. “Come on” he said, looking at the other two guys. “Lois is waiting with dinner.”

***

Indeed she was waiting for them, dinner already on the plates. She gave Kara a hug with the strength worthy of a Kryptonian, and they had a small talk after dinner as they were doing dishes. Martha Kent came to say hi and got the guys to help her fix few small problems around the house. “No supermaning today.” as she said – they had no choice but listen. *** When the sun came down and the stars showed up, Kara flew up to the roof and got herself comfortable. She always loved stargazing, especially in places like Midvale or Smallville – the lack of city lights and tall buildings made the stars more visible, as if there was more of them than usuall. She brought her knees to her chest, put her arms around them and looked up. The sky looked like it was sprinkled with glitter. It was quiet and peaceful around her, but the complete opposite was happening in her mind right now. She thought about the current challenges she had to face - Agent Liberty, the anti-alien hate group... She couldn't understand how those are the same people she saves everyday – mothers, fathers, her neighbors, co-workers. She thought about Mon-El and Winn, saving the world sometime in the future. She missed her best friend so much. And she would give everything to see Mon-El again. She thought about her mother. What she's doing right now? How is she? They still had no way to communicate Argo, it was frustrating.

Kara was so deep in her thoughts she didn't notice someone joining her. “ I thought I might find you here.” Clark said as he sat down beside her. “How did you know I was here?” “Because that used to be my favorite place to sit and overthink stuff.”

Kara smiled at him. He knew her so well, sometimes better than she knew herself. He slipped his strong arm around her shoulders and brought her closer. Kara leaned her head on his shoulder. His fingers drew soothing circles on her arm and a thought went through her mind How someone who looks so strong can be so gentle?

“What's on your mind, Kara?” he whispered. “How can you defeat a threat when it comes from the very people you have to save?” “That's... a very good question.” Clark said after a moment. “I wish I could help with it but this anti-alien movement is too big even for me at the moment.” “How was Argo?” Kara asked, changing the topic. Her cousin visited the city a few weeks ago and they didn't really have time to talk about it until now.

“It was... unbelivable.” he admitted. “Kinda like a dream. All I ever known and seen about Krypton was from the archives in the fortress... but to actually be there... it's surreal.” “Yeah... this is the city where we were born. Where we were supposed to grew up. I spent my childhood there. And it looks like nothing happened.” “Your mother showed me around. Made me feel welcomed.” Clark smiled. “And she makes delicious food.” “I know, right?”

They laughed at her excitement.

“Being there was amazing, and I want to go there again, but – to my suprise – it hadn't really feel like...” “Home.” Kara finished his thought. “Yeah, I know. At first I was so overwhelmed with everything that I imidiately, without thinking, made a decision to stay there permanently.” “Thanks for informing me, by the way...” Clark said sarcasticaly. “Sorry about that. It was hard enough telling Alex I was leaving. But the point is, when I got there, when I stayed... I couldn't find my place. There are few of my childhood friends out there, but they are much older than me right know, with their own families, and different expiriences, and we just couldn't find the same language. I couldn't understand their way of life, they couldn't understand mine, because I was too... human. I realized I didn't belong there. It was like those first years on Earth all over again, when I found myself in a strange world I didn't understand and all I wanted was to be with my family.” Kara said as she looked at him. “About that... I had a very long conversation with your mother.” Clark said looking at their joined hands. He became visibly nervous.

“About?” “Let's say she wasn't pleased with the way I handled things back then... When you came on Earth.”

Kara knew what he was talking about. When she told her mother her story, she was very confused as to why Kal-El would leave her with some strangers. “Clark, we've been over this. I understand your reasoning. I wasn't always happy about it, but I understand. Now better than ever. You did this to protect me.” “Yeah, but I should've been there for you. I should have been more involved. Show up more. I should have been your home. But I put being Superman over family. And I hurt you because of that. That's my biggest regret.”

Kara didn't say anything at that, just snuggled closer to him.

It's true, things weren't always this good between them, especially in the beginning. She was just 13 years old when she came to Earth, she was just a kid. A kid, who needed protection, guidance and family. When she found out her baby cousin was a grown man now, she felt relieved at first – there was someone who could take care of her, who could understand her and who could help her understand this new world around her. But then he just dropped her off at some strangers' house, because appearently it was too dangerous for her to stay with him and just took off. Back then it was like an ultimate betrayal for Kara. That made her feel even more like an orphan. She didn't feel loved, wanted. Of course, over the years Clark made sure to be present in her life, one way or another – showing up on her birthdays, helping her with school, taking her to Metropolis or Smallville for summer or Christmas... But it always ended up the same, with something happening somewhere in the world and Superman's presense was requried. So he would make an excuse to leave or drop her off in Midvale and she would say she's fine with it, because she didn't want to be selfish. She knew these people needed saving and she understood she couldn't go with him, doesn't matter how bad she wanted to. But as she got older, she realized that every “Yeah, sure, go. I'll be fine” was a lie. She wasn't fine. She wanted to go with him. She wanted him here, in her life. She wanted him to want her in his.

She remembers one particular situation, one night when she couldn't take it anymore. She was 17. She finally made some friends at school, and with her newfound love for music and singing, she joined the drama club. The winter musical was her first big performace and she got the lead role. She was so nervous, but more excited. She invited everyone she could to the premiere – she basically begged Clark and Lois to come. And they agreed. Lois even helped her prepare for the role. Everytime they practiced, Clark watched, made a comment or two and convinced her that she's going to nail it. Especially that big solo number at the end of the show that was technically difficult to sing and she was scared she's gonna blow it. “You're amazing, honey, keep going. I'll be there. If you get nervous, just look at me okay?”

So when the premiere came and Kara saw everyone in the audience – Eliza, Alex, Clark and Lois sitting next to each other in the forth row – she trully felt invincible. Everything was going well, but towards the end of the show Kara noticed in the corner of her eye that Clark is leaving. She didn't have time to think about it because she had to go through the scene. Maybe just a bathroom break, she thought. But the ending was closer and closer and he still wasn't back. By the time the final number came Kara already knew he wasn't coming back. As she entered the stage, she swallowed back tears, looked at the empty seat and then locked eyes with Lois for a second. The woman just whispered quick “I'm sorry” and averted her gaze. Kara sang as best as she could, but her voice cracked a few times because of fighting back tears. Her teacher then said that it's not a big deal, it added more emotion to her performace, but Kara still felt like a failure. Lois wanted to talk to her after the show, but Kara went straight to the car and demanded to be taken home.  

He came back the next day. She heard a knock on the bedroom door and when she hadn't answered, he let himself in. She knew it was him – she heard him talking to Eliza downstairs. She didn't even look at him, she turned her face to the window to hide her tears that were already falling down her cheeks. She felt the bed shift – he sat down next to her.

“Kara, I am so sorry I had to leave. There was this chemical bomb in Russia, and-” “And Superman needed to save the world. Again.” she said, no trace of emotion in her voice. He tried to take her hand but she yanked it out of his grasp and got up from the bed. “Kara...” “Don't 'Kara' me, Clark.” she said as she turned to face him. She let the tears fall – there was no point in hiding them anyway. “You promised you'll be there. You knew how important it was for me. And yet you left. Again. Because of Superman. Again.” “These people needed me, I-” “I needed you. I needed you and you didn't care.” “Of course I care, Kara...” “No. If you cared you would have stayed. If you cared, you wouldn't have left me here. You would have let me stay with you.”

Clark hang his head low and averted his gaze from her. He was ashamed. She could see that. But she was angry and she couldn't care less. “I did it to protect you.” “When I got here and I found out that my only living family member is an adult who is capable of taking care of me, I felt relieved. The burden was off of my shoulders. But then said adult abandoned me, on a strange planet, with a family of strangers. Because of Superman. Again.” He didn't say anything. He didn't even look at her. “I'm your last living relative. I am supposed be your priority, like you were supposed to be mine when we were sent here. Whenever you do this, whenever you leave me because someone, somewhere needs Superman, I say I'm fine. But I'm not fine. I'm far from fine. I need you in my life. I want to be in your life. You're the only one who can actually help me here and you're doing nothing about it. You're wearing our family's crest on your chest but that doesn't make you part of it. Family is about showing up. And you don't. I need you. And I don't mean Superman. Hell, I don't even mean Clark Kent. I need Kal-El, my cousin. My family.”

He was silent for while. Then he lifted his head and looked at her. He had tears in his eyes. His hands were shaking. He stood up and said. “You're right. I screwed up. I left you here, because I wanted to protect you, but also, because I didn't know what to do. I didn't think I was capable of raising a child. And it turns out I'm still not.” He aproached her, put his hands gently on her shoulders and looked her in the eyes. “But I want you to know, that I care. And I'm gonna be better. I'm gonna put you first, I promise. I didn't realise it hurt you so much. I'm sorry.” She lowered her head, but he put two fingers under her chin and lifted it up. “I love you, Kara. More than anything. I swear. And I'm gonna be better. I will try. I will show up more. I'll be right here whenever you need me. I promise. Will you give me a second chance?” Kara didn't say anything. Instead she took a step forward and put her arms around his waist, snuggling close to his chest. “Last chance.” she said. Clark put his arms around her and held her tighter. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. “I love you so much, Kara.” “I love you, too, Kal.”

“Remember my biggest screw up?” he asked. “Winter musical, your junior year?”

Kara looked up at him. Sometimes she wondered if he could read minds for real. She didn't really know where he was going with this, so she nodded. “I promised you I'll be better. I'll try harder.” he looked her in the eyes. “Tell me... was I better? Or...” “The best.” Kara tried to convince him. “Maybe I still couldn't really spend as much time with you as I would like to, but you started trying. I saw that. You know...” she hesitated. After that time almost a decade ago they never talked about it. Not really. Not like that. But, to be honest, it would be good for both of them to finally come clean about some things. “I never told you this, but back then, all I really wanted was to live with you. Not just hang out from time to time. The fact that I couldn't was the main reason for my resentement to the world around me... and my recless behaviour. You could say I was trying to get your attention. My parents had already left me, I was scared you're gonna do the same. This... fear of abandonement has been destroying me ever since.”

Clark gave her a surprised look. “Still? Even now?” “I know it's stupid...” she let out a sigh, a shadow of shame on her face. “But this little girl, who thinks everyone she loves is going to leave her at one point or another, is still in me. And she shows up behind big smiles and excitement.” She fell silent for a moment. “Remember when we officially teamed up for the first time?” When Clark nodded, she continued. “The same thing that happened with Argo, also happened back then. I was so happy, so excited, honestly it felt like the best day of my life... And in all of that, without thinking, I told Alex I'm moving to Metropolis.” She gave him a quick glance to see his reaction. He was surprised, but he was silently waiting for more. “We had a fight that day. Because, at first instinct I was ready to just drop everything I have in National City and go. It took Alex reclessly risking her life for me to understand the bigger picture.

I don't need to be afraid of that. Not anymore. I have you, and Alex, Eliza, James, Winn, J'onn, and even Barry and Oliver and the rest from Earth-1. We don't need to live under the same roof to be a family. You asked me if you were better. Yes, you were. But I also had to be better. I treated Kal-El, Clark and Superman as three different people. I didn't realize back then that they are the same person and they all love me and they all want what's best for me. I needed to learn to accept each part of you, not just the kryptonian one. I'm sorry, I wasn't able to do that then.”

Kara instantly felt lighter. She wanted to tell him all of that for so long. To finally get it off of her chest was... amazing.

“I remember how scared I was when I found you, when I realized who you are. Yeah, I was Superman. But I was also a 22 year old guy, straight out of college, struggling. I gave you to the Danvers, because I thought I wasn't good enough for you. I thought I couldn't give you what you needed. I said it's to dangerous for you to stay with me because of my enemies. It was true, bit it was still an excuse. I should have tried. You needed a guardian, a parent. And I wasn't ready to be one.” Kara took his hand again. “And that's completely okay. I hated this back then, but I would never change it.”

She looked at him and saw pride in his eyes. She hoped he could see how proud of him she was. They've had a lot of ups and downs, together and seperately, but they came back stronger from all of it. She was greatful for that. “Come here” Clark whispered and brought her closer to him, trapping her in his strong embrace. Kara buried her face in his chest and closed her eyes. This was home. But home was also in National City, where Alex ordered Kara's favorite chinese takeout. Home was in Midvale, where she sat with Eliza on the porch, drinking hot chocolate. Home was Argo, where she could relive old memories and make new one with her mom. Home was Earth-1 Central City, where she was always welcomed to crash on Barry's couch.

Kara felt Clark's hand rest on her hair and his lips leaving a soft kiss on her forhead. And she couldn't help but think – of all the homes she has, Clark was her favorite one.

[imyourtrigger]

Tonight I might kill myself

It all started when I was a little girl and no matter what my mother says, I feel that my childhood has been taken away from me at a very young age.

My father was a drug addict and a theif. At age 6 six or maybe even before, my parents had a huge fight, there was broken glass everywhere, screams and curses. One by one my parents broke plate by plate, glass by glass, until there was nothing left. I was so young, that all I can do is to try to call my grandmother on our big and yellow 90s phone. When my father saw that, he came, took it away from me and threw it to the wall. Yellow plastic was everywhere and I felt that I am going to be the next one to meet the wall.

My father was a great father first years of my life. He was always thoughtful, loving and caring. I felt that I get more love from him, than from the woman who gave birth to me. I don’t think she is bad and never thought, her life was a mess, her parents was strict, her father was violent, she had me by accident and her husband was an abusive drug addict.

But this day I will remember for my whole life, the day that my father became violent towards me. And that day, that day when he left the house, the last thing I wanted is to stand in front of him begging not to leave, as I used to do every other fight they had. So for the first time he left the house because I didn’t stopped him.

Time went by, and minute by minute, second by second my life became hell. Of course, there is people that in way worse condition than me, people that live through hell every day and it is so selfish to say that my life is bad, but I believe that everyone have their own kind of hell.

One day, I think I was about 7-8 years old, I sat at my grandparents house, doing my homework with my cousin. I heard that my mom came home, and when I saw her my mind went all crazy. She told me that we are moving to my grandparents. No explanation, no saying goodbye to my friends, to my room, to my house... At first I was so happy, who’s not happy to live with their loving grandparents every single day? Sadly no one told me that there is a huge difference between living with them to visiting them on Sundays.

I am 23 now, and trully, all I wish is a second to get to that place where I grew in. To walk on the street where my parents used to walk with me. To look at the playground where my father with few others builded a swings for us (it was pretty poor neighborhood so at our playground we used to have only rocks and sand). All I want is to go there and breath in what have left of my childhood.

So, me, my mother and my little brother mooved to my grandparents house. At first they where all welcoming and loving, but then it all faded away. My grandfather was and alcoholic, so that was new to me. I did not had a room and slept with my grandma, but I was little and didnt really care about that. And then my mother had to find a job.

So while my father was a part time in jail and when not, came to see us once in never and did not paid his alimony... My mother was working her ass off at some job where she had to be out of the house for a month, every second month.

So when she was away, I had to be a responsible big sister and to take care of my little brother. I did all I had to and all I did not wanted to. If I had to go out and look after my brother playing in the sand instead of ... I don’t know, doing my homework, watching a tv, playing with my friends or whatever I did that. Dishes? Done that everyday. Clean the house? Been there, done that every day. Now it might look like something minor, but I was only like 8 years old.

Oh did I forgot to tell that my cousin was prefered by everyone including my mother? Well that how it was since I was born. You cant unsee things sometimes, especially when your grand grand mother taking her in another room, giving her the whole damn toys r us, and you sitting there and coloring the damn colorbook your mother drew for you cuz you didnt had any money. Oh and that cutted postcard puzzles was fun tho

Oh and my mom used to beat the shit out of me every other day when my brother and my big cousin was the fckn angeles just because they breathe.

At age 11 we moved to another country. The one thing I asked is to go to our old place and say goodbye to.. um it, and the memories I had. And guess what? It did not happened. Not because we had no time or anything, we had plenty, we even made a video of us going through the town to our favorite places, you know to remember our country... But not mine, even if it was on the way.

So gladly (at least that what I thought), my mom, me and my brother moved to a whole new country, where my hell just expanded.

When we moved here, we had to leave with my grandma’s sister and her husband for a month. They werent happy, so they made us unhappy too. They had two sons, my uncles, one of them lived in the same town. Lets call him Sam.

Uncle Sam reminded me of my father. Same looks, same mind, but I felt that he wasnt gonna leave me. Just as a little girl I wanted to have a man figure in my life, that could protect me if needed.

So uncle Sam had a son, my cousin, who was a big, hugeeeee shit. He used to be the only child, so probably he felt that me and my brother taking it away, his mother was a shit too, lets call her Midge.

So Midge told uncle Sam to stay away from us. But he didnt needed to, we felt unwanted enough. We moved to a one room apartment and stayed away from them.

Life didnt became easier, because little children are super cruel. I started 5th grade and my little brother was at 1st. We both were bullied. The names they called us, the things they did to us, girls that I thought was my friends made my their maid. Literally. They were coming to my house, made me feed them the food my mom was counting, because we had no money, made me do everything they wanted, and then used to lock me in the shower and didnt let me out untill I screamed because the water was hot that it left it marks on my body. When they was leaving I had to clean the house, sometimes I had no time before my mother was back home, so she was hurting me in all the way she could.

I still have scars, not all of them are physical. When she saw that half of the food were gone, the screams became fists and my tears became blood. Sometimes I felt numb and sometimes I felt that I am loosing my will to live.

For how long I remember myself, I was always trying to please the people around me. They could be friends, family or people at work, it always felt like a second job, where my mind had to work extra hours.

Maybe that was because I was afraid to be beaten, maybe that was because I was afraid that they will leave me, just like my father did.

At my birthday I called my father. His stepmother answered and told me that he is not interested and that I should leave them alone. This number didnt worked afterwards. And a few years later we talked over a social media where he told some not so nice stuff and ended it with “I’ll have better children than you”.

So back to junior school where everyone was a peasant. My brother was trying to stay close to me, and everyone was laughing at us, so I decided that instead of trying to get my shit together I have to help him. Every brake I was taking him to the playground, him and a bunch of other lonely kids, those who was bullied, those who had no friends... I am pretty sure that half of the games were invented by me. So for two years I kept this children busy, so they all became friends and werent ao lonely anymore.

I still tried to do my best at the school, where I had to learn new language and to deal with bullies and at home, to please my mother, who was coming everyday back from work, and beating me no matter what. I get that it was big on her. New country, new language, new people... It was scary and she felt also lonely, but I was not supposed to be anyones punching bag. I did not deserved it.

So that how my school years went... All same pattern, sometimes better, sometimes worse. So many heartbreaks, always toxic friendships. I started to work at a very young age, tried to give almost all of the money to my mother, but it still wasnt enough.

I was cutting myself for so long... The cuts became deeper and the will to live started to fade away. But still I had no guts to kill myself. Every fight I knew, that the next will be worse and maybe the next will become the last. Maybe today was the last.

A few years ago my mother stopped beating me, maybe thats because Im taller, because I grew up and she is afraid I can slap her back?

My brother became the most annoying thing on earth. Through junior high, I was still with him on my brakes, trying to make his life easier, every time anyone had a bad word to say I was there to protect him. Karate? Paid for it. Swimming lessons? Paid for it. New toys? New computer games? Gadget? A new phone? Done it all.

Even while I was at the army, getting the shittier salary you could imagine, working my ass off at two jobs, giving my mother some money, paying for his shit and his super expensive swimming lessons, trying to give him everything we couldn’t afford for me,

Somehow, I am still a bad daughter and a bad sister.

I just getting really tired of that “You blame everyone, when you should look in the mirror” shit.

I took them abroad two times. Paid for everything. And I mean everything. Every shit they wanted, and oh no, they had no shame in wanting the most expensive things on earth, like Im a fucking millionaire. And now when I broke and still manage to pay the bills at home and still take them abroad, but ask my brother to pay with me cuz he has a job and a decent salary I AM THE FUCKING BAD PERSON

LIKE HOW COULD I THINK THAT A PERSON I GAVE ALL MY LOVE TO, A PERSON I AM EVERY DAY LOOKING OUT FOR WHILE HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW THAT BECAUSE I DONT LOOK FOR A CREDIT A PERSON THAT STARTED TO WORK AT AGE OF 18 FOR FUN WHILE I AM WORKING FROM 12 TO PAY FOR HIM HOW COULD I THE WORSE PERSON ON THE WHOLE PLANET TO ASK HIM TO PAY FOR HIMSELF

Wow

Oh, uncle Sam died and that was devastating

The saddest thing is he died because he was lonely and his heart was broken

His parents, they moved to another country to his brother, his brother didnt wanted him, his wife left him and he was all alone

I wish, I wish he could inly knew how deeply I cared for him, how I wanted us to be closer, how good he was... It truly broke my heart in a million pieces.

His mother (my grandmas sister) came back here and passed away also. And her husband couldnt leave back because of the loan he had here

He went to live at Midges house then she kicked him and guess what? Hes sleeping in my mother’s bed

AND SOMEHOW I AM THE BAD PERSON AGAIN

HOW CAN I BE MAD AT A PERSON WHO MADE MY FAMILYS LIFE A LIVING HELL BUT AS WE SWITCH ROLES I HAVE TO BE I BIGGER PERSON AND ACCEPT HIS HOMELESS ASS HERE

I am very loving and caring person. But nobody has done that for me. He would never help me, and I know that for sure. He was screaming at me, he was trying to beat my little brother and now I have to accept that he is, an alcoholic, abusive person sleeping in my mothers bed, and she has to sleep with me? (Thats not the problem ofcourse, I love my mom no matter what)

And when he finally leaves, even tho I tried to be nice, and prepared him food and showed him how to use the tv and shit, my mom tells me that I am a bad person? Sorry that my life teached me that people will use your good heart against you.

I finally felt like I am mentally stable, that I am me, the good me. Not the depressed cutting wanting to die me. Finally had my shit together and felt so happy about it. I had my skin care routine after work, had my half hour to write in the diary and my 1 episode per night before bed routine that made me so fucking happy and glowing, and then the person that made me only bad comes and ruins it all and I have to accept that?

I finally made it, made it to the top of me where all I wanted is to live, where all I was is happy, and instead of understanding that, or at least carring about your daughter’s mental health and I dont know, even speaking with me about that, you just throw this shit at my face.

“You need to be tested”

“You are crazy”

“I wish I didnt had you”

Instead of

“Are you okay, do you want to talk about that?”

“Do you want to see a professional? I will support you”

“I dont know what I would do without you”

It just hurts that when you try to talk about maybe having a problem or when you try to speak your mind, or when you talk about your feelings to the person you care about the most... You got to be called a drama, you didnt get to even finish the sentencse... Somehow the problem is always in me and my feelings.

It hurts when your brother doesn’t care as you did and do about him.

It hurts that things that are important for you doesnt counted as important at all.

It hurts that your feelings not important.

You are not important.

That your sacrifices aren’t sacrifices.

And if you try to talk about yourself, you are selfish.

People say that no matter what’s happening, your family, your home, is the place that you can be you in it. A place where you are not judged.

Well, my family doesn’t count.

So maybe its better not to be counted at all.

[wintercherry]

Transgender day of Invincibility

Open my eyes to the sound of the alarmclock, "awaken my child..." says the devilish voice. Morning memes to help fight off the lazyness that comes with a short night's rest. Up we go. Shower while coffee is being made downstairs. Really looking forward to that. I've gone back to taking it with milk and nothing else. Check my phone and it's still early, but the lack of messages means I might have time to bring anime to the Franks in the form of catapults. This might go long. Long it goes alright, suddenly it's past 10am and I still have no messages. Other than a morning chat with my girl the world could've thought I had gone missing. I am missing food in my stomach. Coffee can only take me so far, but my sister, whom I'm supposed to be having breakfast with, has decided to bail on me. "This is the fourth time in a row." Exale I am always alone. My friends are always busy, my girlfriend lives out of state, and my family keeps bailing on me. "I can only count on you." Kiss A shame, it was transgender day of visibility, and even thought I hate being lumped into a group involutarily, I had decided to make the best of it and be as radiant as I could be, of course, in my personal definition of the word. I tire of games and youtube but my other plans are not until later in the day, so I come to terms with the idea of my morning being more of the same. "I guess I could bring more anime to the peoples," I think while still on my pajamas. Fire up AoEII. Get the early game going- you go pick berries while I pick up the phone- "Hello?" -"Do you still want to go out" -"Ah, yes!" tremble "yeah." -"Okay, I'll pick you up in ten minutes. Think about where you want to eat." Hang. Save. Rush to the get ready. So much for radiancy. I gadly sacrifice my looks this once, I was hungry for company as much as I was for brunch. Pleasantries are exchanged. Honest ones, at least from my part. "I haven't seen you in so long," there is so much catch up to do. She is married now. I wasn't invited to the wedding. I suppose one can be too visible. To a local restaurant we go (support small businesses). We sit and order coffee. My reccord is seven cups, we're not there yet. It is always a pleasure to talk with someone who thinks just like me - but in her own way. Numbers can perhaps illustrate it better: We both agree that the answer is 4, 2+2 is her way, 2+(0.25x2^3) is my way. Overthink. We haven't looked at the menus yet and we've been sitting for a while, I bet the waitress was getting annoyed. "Okay, enough. Let me think about what I want," my sister laughs. Gyros Omelette for me (sounds strange but it is better than you'd think). Ah, the dance of flipping the menu back and forth for vegetarian options. The rate of picky eaters I am surrounded by is by far larger than the population's average. It doesn't bother me anymore. Chatter in between bites. Work, relationships, friends, "what happened to your hair!?" Religion debates go well with hashbrowns, I usually take ketchup but the substitute is surpricingly engaging. The family cannot talk about religion without bringing my mother in the conversation. Observation I would later make with my girlfriend on the phone. "She wonders how you are," my sister informs me. Unecessarily, I would say. "I heard from our aunt that she posted a pic of me on Facebook, you know, the old me." I say. "With the caption 'I miss you'" NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO FUCK NO FUCK NO OH FUUUUCCKK NO YOU DON'T GET TO MISS ME She misses the old me, the kid we killed together. I'll allow it. Look at how much power she has on me. All my anger... "I have a very carefree attitute about the world, I just don't give a fuck anymore. It's like my mind doesn't allow me to hate anything else because all my hate is concentrated in one place!" Grip my hands together. Tight. Tighter. It hurts. I cannot forget. We spoke about a wedding. "Are you gonna eat those pancakes?" sparked a conversation that lasted longer than whatever words were spoken about mother. Yet, that is all I took home with me. -"What? Already?" -"Yeah, I'm full" -"You barely ate" -"Ha. I guess I got full from words" -"Hmph. True" I kept her untill she absolutely couldn't afford another minute not on her way. It made no difference. No amount of conversation can saturate the gash that talking about my mother does to me. The feeling of having business unresolved was drowning me. Clear my mind. Just enough. The grand opening is today. I've been awating this night for a month. Now we shine. It is the fucking day of visibility. Today I got the best excuse I could think of. Eyeliner. Hair spray. New outfit. More eyeliner. Make sure the jewelry matches. Grab the new purse. Can I freaking get the eyeliner right? I am out of practice. I am also out of practice at Marvel Super Heroes VS Street Fighter. The grand opening to the new arcade has brought some unexpected surprices. Enough to make me focus on something else. We do battle with buttons for the moment. The place is booming with people, suddenly, I don't feel like being visible anymore. MSHvsSF is an old game, I hadn't touch it in years. Back to the basics, which I learned by watching my older brother play. Basics keep me afloat, and thankfully we leave before Asians wearing latex gloves and facemasks demolish me and rob me of my good mood. Now home, I speak with my roomate. "I saw you with your sister earlier," she says. -"Yeah, we went out for lunch and catch up" -"How is everything?" -"All good, you know, just remenicing... Although..." I let it out. I need to talk about it. My roomate suggests I write a letter. Funny how that keeps coming around. I first heard it from my girlfriend, then from my friends, then from stranges online. I get it. I'll write the fucking thing. Upstairs. The light in the room is not adecuate for writing. Neither is my pencil. I don't know how to start. "Hi mom." The words flow The page turns The pencil needs to be sharpened Again Again I am happy. My eyes are watery but no tears flow. I've done enough crying, perhaps my body decided that the allowance of sobs for this tragedy have been exahusted. I am not satisfied with the job. The words are lousy [as they always are], I hold back on my emotions, I do not make the best case for myself. Included are the words, spoken- written from me. "I live as a woman now." There. Made myself visible, exactly in the way it trully mattered. Where last year the date largely passed over my head, this time around it had a cathartic effect on me. I include my phone number and a picture of me. "I'm here if you want to talk." Place the whole thing into an envelope. Barely fits in. It is a very heavy letter. Change my clothes. I have decided to deliver the letter personally and I don't want to shock her any more than I have to. Cover my face with a scarf. Cover my hair with a hat. Oversized hoodie and saggy jeans. Invisible. On my way to where she lives. The closer I get, the harder my heart beats. Phone rings, and for the second time in the day it is exactly what I needed. -"Hi baby" -"Hi my love" shiver -"Are you okay?" -"I'm okay" -"You don't sound okay" -"I'm okay, I'm just outside walking" -"Why are you outside?" -"Because I got business to take care of" Relieved my girlfriend is on the phone. Clearly not ready to take this on on my own. I reach her place. So close and yet so far. Stand infrot of her door. Knock. Silence. Knock. Silence. "That's that." The letter slides easily under the door. The contents of the letter won't be here. Not because they are personal, but because my mind has decided to black out on most of what I wrote. Despite talking over the phone with my girlfriend when its content was fresh in my memory, a rough night of sleep has ruined my memory of it. Perhaps one of the mechanisms of my psyche protecting me, because precedent dictates that this ordeal will not end well for me. My attitute remains. I am glad I did it. For too long anger and scorn have been lord of my emotions. Today I finally defeat them. I am invinsible. "I miss you too."

[midnightkpoptrash-blog]

Before I fall pt.5

Shorter chapter. Just a filling before some good chaos. You know I can only write angst..soo. :D

„I smell sex, Y/N. Don’t you even try to hide it.“ You started sweating. Yoongi’s eyes were scanning you and he seemed furious. He and Hoseok ran into you in the second you left the basement studio. You still looked like a bomb hit you. Well, it did.

„Do you have somebody? That’s amazing!! I am so glad our little fam finally found somebody? Who is it? How does he look like? Do we know him? More importantly, do I know him?“ Just when you wanted to answer, Yoongi stopped you. „Don’t be that stupid, Hoseok. She fucked HIM.“ Hi spat the last word like it was something with an awful taste. Something disgusting. But the only disgusting thing to him right now... was you. Hobi’s face suddenly changed through all the colors of the rainbow. When he became way too pale, you tried to explain: „I did not want it okay? I was showing him the new steps, helping him to master them and he kissed me and one thing led to another and his hands and..“

„Jesus f’ing! Can you please NOT? I think I am going to be sick for fucks sake! How could you fuck him? Of all the people him?! He is our bandmate and your colleague as well! You are gonna meet him everyday and you know very well that this boy isn’t some lil cutie pie you are used to. He fucks and leaves and that is his policy.“ Tears started to form in your eyes when one of your best friends in this whole dark world scolded you. He was right and you knew that but his words where sharp as knives. And Namjoon already stabbed you with one so you didn’t need any more of them in your chest.

„Yoongs stop it. She does not deserve this kind of words from you.“ Hobi came to you and smiled at you. Hugging you as tight as he could, he continued: „Tell us everything that is fine with kids hearing it, okay? And stop crying or I’ll start too!“ You bitterly laughed and told them everything about you, Namjoon and the mess you’ve both created.

„This will sure be the end of you, do you even know that?“ Both of the boys spoke at once. Saying this once sentence in synchronization, you pushed your tears back, smiling. Yes. Bittersweet ending is all that you want right now.

And having an all together night was a nice way to get it. You almost forgot that Friday was here and that meant a movie night. But since Jin is picking today, it was a sure drama night. That kid just loved bathing in his own tears. And in tears of you all.

„Where is the popcorn? I am starving!“ Jungkook shouted angrily, Jin immediately answering: „Will be by your sweet feet any minute, you puberty pig. Learn some manners please!“ Laughter. The main theme of this annual but still special event. 8 people lying on the floor and couch, chatting, commenting on the melodramatic plot. Just spending time together. Namjoon was sitting right next to you, his head resting on your shouler as you played with his hair and wished for early death or just for some good explosion...

Walking to room with two large bowls of popcorn in his hands, Jin smiled at you showing his perfect teeth. He placed the bowls infront of Jungkook and gave him a playful pout. Without any hesitation he took the place by your left and interwined his finger with your free hand; it wasn’t anything abnormal, you two were the clingy girlfriends of the group. But Namjoon was now full of the thought that he can act possive of you. And oh boyyy he did. Dragging you closer and closer, he didn’t stop  until you were laying on his lap and Jin turned a jealous little girl.

  ________

*Namjoon’s POV*

„Jin I... Why am I not the same?“ Joon rushed his hand through his hair finishing his whiskey in one move; strong liquid burning his throat like your kisses did few days ago. Your face never leaving his head. Your lips were the only thing that kept him alive these last days.

Older boy just looked at Namjoon confused: „What are you saying? You are the same? Maybe a little cockier but... You are still our Joon. Clumsy af, smiley, supportive.“ Jin took a sip from his drink while he ordered another scotch on rocks for his friend. „Cockier? Only thing I do is fuck around. Literally and metaphorically too. I was... lost and this ‚I don’t care‘ lifestyle should get me through it. But I am getting more and more confused. Hyung, please, stop it. Stop the pain because I can’t keep going like this anymore. I can’t be alone but sleeping with every possible skirt is doing nothing to me either. Except of making it worse.“

Namjoon almost didn’t held the tears that were forming in his eyes. But he had to. He was supposed to be strong one. The one who should lead everybody else to lighter days. Jin just patted his back and smiled at him. „Than let yourself fall in love. With yourself or with a girl. Just be in love for some time, please. It will guide you through this mess.“ Little did the older boy know how deeply in love Namjoon was. Not with himself though. But with an evil witch that was too good for him and which stole his heart in the first week she tried to talk to him.

‚I love you, Y/N!‘ He screamed inside. ‚But I can not destroy you the way I already did that to myself. And I can’t give you up either. I am, trully and fully, a monster.‘

 Hope you liked it. Aaand requests are still open :)

[tornrose24]

Only a voice, part 2 (A Moana AU fan fic inspired by the Little Mermaid)

Note that this fan fic can also be found on fan fiction.net under my other name (HolyMaiden24). See notes for more details.

Note that in this AU, everyone is out voyaging. The heart of Te Fiti was never stolen, but there are still dangers in the ocean. However there are still reasons as to why Chief Tui doesn’t want Moana out on the ocean, as you will learn pretty soon. Now I, like so many others, am not super familiar with the Polynesian cultures, but I will do my best (and thankfully I own a copy of ‘The Art of Moana’ to help me somewhat). If I ever write something that goes against the culture or is not accurate, please let me know. Something important to keep note of: fale- a type of house. They vary in apperance and some can be used fro ceremonial or religious purposes (from what I understand). tapa- this was a type of ‘cloth’ made from a certain tree. Those tapestries in the beginning of the film were made with these (again, from what I do understand). Hoani- a Maori name. If it is not accurate I will use a different name.

Quite a few years had passed since Moana had been kidnapped by the kakamora, but that itself was a minor occurence compared to what else was occuring around the southern seas of the world. On an island somewhere close to Motonui (and yet not quite) a certain catastrophe was about to occur as the sun was setting as a large bird crashed through the roof of the Chief’s fale. A number of the villagers and the chief himself immediately responded to the occurance and when they made it into the fale, there was one huge hole in the roof of the fale, but it was nothing compared to who was inside the building. “I didn’t think something as precious as this could get in the hands of humans, but I guess you guys find your ways.” A muscular man who almost seemed to be as large as a mountain with a series of tattoos on what seemed to be every inch of his body commented as he held up a necklace in one hand while the other held a large fish hook over his shoulder. If it wasn’t the tattoos that showed his accomplishments, then it was the fish hook that gave away his true identity. “What is it supposed to be for, a wedding present or is this a ceremonial trinket?” He asked as he held the necklace up. It was a beautiful necklace with carefully woven fibers holding together pecies of shells, bones, and a very lovely red stone that would clearly shine under the right lighting. “That is a gift for the family of the Chief of Motonui!” The chief snarled as he took a few steps closer to the man. “I did not promise that to you as payment for protecting us from those monsters!” “Yeah, true.” The man nonchalantly began. “Except I don’t recall you giving me the supplies I asked for as payment. That was all I asked for, and yet you decided that even something as simple as that wasn’t worth giving away. So unless this is a big deal to you guys–which it isn’t–then I’ll take it from you guys as a reminder not to cheat someone out of a deal ever again.” He looked up at the roof. “Plus you now have some much needed lighting in this place, so it wasn’t that bad of a trade off, right?” The chief yelled out in fury as he took a spear from one of his men and charged at the large man. He sighed as he lowered his hand, swung his hook out, and the markings upon it glowed with a blue light. Within moments his form shifted to that of a large brown hawk that not only knocked the chief to the ground as he turned around, but he charged through to the ceiling, dodged quite a few spears that were sent up at him, and made a second large hole in the ceiling when he made his get away. It was quite a nice addition to the archetiecture, he thought to himself. “GET BACK HERE, MAUI!” The Chief yelled at the hawk as his men tried to help him up. “I WILL TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU HAVE, DONE, YOU HEAR ME?! YOU CAN’T TAKE WHAT WASN’T PROMISED TO YOU!”
The hawk let out a laugh as he flapped his wings and got away from the island as fast as he could. “It’s always the ones who talk big that I don’t have to worry about!” He spoke to himself. The bird flew to a boat that was hidding behind a large rock and it was there that the bird changed into a man who dropped onto the boat and quickly undid its binds to one of the smaller rocks. There was still a smirk on the man’s face as the wind blew into his wild mane of dark hair, yet his brown eyes had already lost their mischeviousness that he was sometimes more known for over his heroic feats. “Heh,” He paused long enough to look at the necklace, which held no true value for him other then serving as a reminder that those people didn’t really appreciate all that he had done for them. How often did that even happen anymore? He had helped humanity for so long that they were taking his services for granted. “Even their ‘thank yous’ are getting hallower than an empty coconut.” He mused as he was able to let the sails of his boat go and the wind quickly took him away from the island. When was the last time he could remember a ‘thank you’ being so sincere and full of appreciation? Unknown to him, someone had been watching everything that had happened from start to finish. From Maui’s success with driving the monsters away to the instant he had escaped, as well as the moment he was denied a reward. Honestly, the stupid look of offense and shock he had on his face when that happened would make a good memory to laugh at for many decades to come. With a deep chuckle, he sank down into the depths of the ocean as he began to see that there might be something that could work to his advantage. And finally get the revenge he so rightfully desired.

“Alright, that was wonderful!” A sixteen year old Moana clapped her hands together after finishing the dancing lesson with her young students. “You all are going to be amazing!” “But none of us dance as wonderfully as you do, Moana!” A little girl exclaimed. “When the Chief and his people from the other island come to visit, you will be the best dancer of us all!”
“And you will look so pretty in your ceremonial attire!” Another girl beamed. “You’ll be the most beautiful of all the ladies!” Moana let out a laugh as Pua came to brush against her legs. “I wouldn’t make claims like that, but I appreciate it!” She picked Pua up and waved to the children. “Bye!” She then gently grabbed one of Pua’s front feet and playfully waved it at the children. “‘Bye-bye!’” She pretended to say on Pua’s behalf. “Bye!” “Bye, Moana!” Moana smiled as she walked away. “You’d think that for once we would get to go to the islands and perform for them instead.” She told Pua as she turned to the ocean and let out a sigh of longingness. “If only father would stop being afraid and let me go.” She had only one time out on the ocean and she never forgot it. Yet she wanted to trully experience the ocean and feel the wood of a canoe under her feet and the wind blowing through her hair. Getting kidnapped, fighting for her life, and getting blinded was not the same as that. “You remember when we got to be out on the ocean, don’t you Pua?” Pua let out an uncomfortable grunt. “Yeah, those things did want to make you their dinner.” Moana agreed. “Ever since I was found that night, father became very adamant that I wouldn’t go near the shore without someone by my side, let alone anywhere near a canoe.” Moana reflected as she continued to walk towards her grandma’s fale. “I told the story and he didn’t believe anything other than that I was out at sea.” She frowned. “I know it has been many years since his friend drowned in the ocean, and I know he forbade me and mother to leave with him since he fears that history will repeat itself. But I wish he could trust me enough to at least let me learn under someone! How can I be the future Chief if I am not allowed to go to the other islands, Pua?!” When she briefly turned away, she could see that Heihei the rooster was trying to peck at a bush for reasons that could only make sense to him. “Any day now, he’ll walk right to a cook and serve himself as our next meal.” She chuckled. She had done everything to save Heihei, but with each attempt to speak on his behalf, it seemed the dumb bird gave the cook a new reason to prep him for dinner. She almost wanted to know what went on through Heihei’s head but she doubted it would be anything enlightening for her own benefit. She glanced back to the ocean as she continued her walk. She thanked the gods that her blindness only lasted for a short time and that she could enjoy the sight of the ocean in all of its beauty. She couldn’t explain it, but... “I feel like each time I look at the ocean, it keeps calling to me. It wants to appologize for what almost happened to me.” She mused. She had tried to double her efforts to respect the ocean since then and sometimes she talked to the water when no one was looking. She prayed that it would guide her father on safe voyages and that one day it would do the same for her when her time would come. “Perhaps I am going to be the next village crazy lady.” Moana laughed. “Maybe I should learn a thing or two about that from Grandma Tala. She would glady welcome a successor.” Grandma Tala was in her fale when Moana found her and the eldery woman was once again recounting tales of monsters and gods to a group of young children. Moana set Pua outside and walked right in as Grandma Tala finished up another story. “And that is why our days are long and productive.” Grandma Tala was obviously recounting a tale about Maui slowing down the sun. “With the aid of his magical fish hook, Maui helped us grow our crops and give us time to enjoy the rest of the day.” “And without his help, we would surely be lost in darkness and grow hungry.” Moana chimmed in, causing the children to turn around to face her and the old woman to smile at her granddaughter. “Maui has faced many monsters and many dangers that most wouldn’t dare try to face.” Moana smiled at the tapa that depicted the demi-god and the animals that he shape shifted into. Some of his stories were among her favorite tales that Tala herself told to her. “All he has done has been on our behalf because he is very fond of mortals. It would be good fortune if one were to ever meet him, and yet because he takes on different forms we could go through our whole lives not knowing that we have seen him. No matter how many versions of his tales are told, he will always be remembered as a hero to all. I know that I myself would love to have his daring and cunningness in the most difficult of times.” Moana admitted with a chuckle. “But Maui isn’t always nice.” A boy told Moana and all the children looked at him. “My dad said that he likes to trick people to get what he wants and sometimes he’ll try to do impossible things to boast about just because he can.”
“Yeah, didn’t he rip off a monster’s leg one time for no reason?” Another boy asked as he pointed to a certain tapa. Moana turned around to see that the particular tapa depicted a giant monster crab. The crab’s face looked a little comical, and yet there was a sinisterness about him that made it clear that he was not to be taken so lightly. “Tamatoa?” Moana approached the tapa and placed a hand on the crab. “Well, he is one of the most dangerous creatures in all of Lalotai. Some actually think he was once a great warrior or a lost member of a royal family who was either cursed or came back as a crab. He loves treaure more than anything in the world and he will decorate himself with them like they’re jewellry–” A few children laughed at this. A crab who loves to wear treasures? What a silly thought! “–but he also uses it to attract his prey.” Moana recounted as she turned to the children with a big grin. “The shinier something is, the more he’ll want it, so you better make sure you don’t have anything like that on you!” She pretended to snatch at them with her hand as if it were a claw, causing a few children to recoil away from her. “He might think ‘Oh, what a nice looking bracelet’! Perhaps I shall take it off that cute child’s tiny wrist!’” She spoke in a deep voice when she pretended to be Tamatoa and she did the motion again to the nearest little girl who let out a giggle and playfully patted Moana’s hand away. “‘Tamatoa must have every shiny, sparkly thing that he sees!’” Moana growled in delight. “He was also once a good friend of Maui’s.” Grandma Tala added. “Both were equally prideful and loved to boast about their accomplishments until one day they had an arguement and Maui tore one of Tamatoa’s legs off. No one knows what the arguement was, but even to this day, Tamatoa has not regained that leg. It is said that he is waiting for the chance to have his revenge on Maui for his loss.” One of the boys scoffed. “So? He’s just a dumb crab!” “A big crab!” Another boy reminded him. “But be warned children.” Grandma Tala added as her voice took on a sinister tone. “For they say that Tamatoa had become so obsessed with making himself beautiful with his treasures to compensate for his ugliness, that he is not as sane as he once was. He even started to develop a taste for humans just to keep gaining more trinkets. There is no telling just how much further he would go to accomplish his goals. Remember my children– outer appearances and great accomplishments are fine and all, but they mean nothing without what is important on the inside.” She looked directly at Moana when she said those last words, as if she was trying to tell her something. “And appearances can be very deceving.” “So we won’t go near any shiny things.” A girl decided. “We’ll be safe.” “Except there is one final trap to be mindful of.” Moana couldn’t help but add. “He loves to use his voice to attract his prey if the treasures doesn’t cut it. They say his singing is as beautiful and hypnotic as he is ugly and selfish, so should he ever sing to you, it might already be too late!” She pretended to be Tamatoa again as she creeped towards the childen, her hands curled to resemble claws, and just when she was about to strike–
“For Te Fiti’s sake, I would think that you would make a better story teller than a chief!” “Ah!” A startled Moana broke her act and she turned around to face Chief Tui. “Father!” “Son!” Grandma Tala chuckled before turning to the children. “That is all for today, but I hope you remember that story for the sake of the future. Farewell for now.” The children got up off the floor and waved to the Chief and his family before they hurried off to go out to play. “If not a storyteller, then perhaps a crab.” Tui mused before turning to Moana with a smile. “I hear that you’re dancing is coming along well; keep up the good work, but remember that there is still so much that needs preparation before Chief Hoani comes.” He told her before walking away from the fale as Pua scrambled to get inside. Moana frowned as she walked up to Grandma Tala and the tapa of Maui. “I could do so much more for Motonui besides dancing for the other Chiefs and talking with them. If only he would let go of that fear of losing me.” Moana spoke as she placed a hand over Maui’s fish hook. If only she could have it, so that she could turn into one of his creatures and get away from here for at least one day. She envied the demi-god more than she ever had in her life. “He’ll learn eventually that you must go out into the world to learn as much as you can.” Grandma Tala told Moana. “I want to be there for my people, but sometimes wish I could be as free as Maui.” Moana said as she looked at the demi-god, who seemed so fierce in this depiction on the tapa and yet so much like the trickster they said he was. “I sometimes wish I never went back to Motonui when I had been taken away.” She closed her eyes. “I know what they all expect of me, but I would give anything to be on the sea and live out more stories. I want to have both land and sea be part of my life without losing sight of who I am.” Tala understood her granddaughter’s frusterations perfectly. She had prayed to the gods that fortune could favor her family and she wished that Moana could find her happiness like Tui did with his people and with his family. She decided to change tactics and asked Moana “So you still haven’t learned who your rescuer was then?”
“All I know is that the man seemed so smug about what he had done, and yet there was a strange lonliness about him.” Moana admitted. “I still remember that voice and how full of life it seemed. Everything is is vague but that if I ever heard that voice again, I would know it was him, no question about it.” “Sounds like a man with his head at least partly attatched to his shoulders.” Grandma Tala chuckled. “But don’t worry, Moana,” She placed a reasuring arm around the girl. “If the sea knows how much you love it, I am sure it will one day take you back. Maybe one day I’ll see if there can be a way to get you off this island again if all doesn’t turn out the way you wanted it to be. I want to see you live out a happy life, even if it is not the same as the life you dreamt of.” Moana smiled back. “Thanks Grandma.” The two walked out of the fale, but they didn’t notice that Pua was staring at them in frusteration. The pig then turned to the tapa of Maui and let out an annoyed grunt. It took him awhile to figure out who Moana’s rescuer was until he had sat through some of the tales of Maui and took a long look at the fish hook and the bird on the tapa. He knew that both the demi-god and the man who had saved him and Moana from those–ugh–pests, were one and the same. He wished deep down that there was a way for Moana to know that it was Maui who had saved her and who she had hugged that night. She didn’t notice any of his previous attempts to let her know, and she laughed them off if he wasn’t chased away by someone. Pua knew she would have liked it if she knew the truth.

Somewhere on a lone island in the dead of night, Maui stared at the useless necklace as he reflected on his accomplishments and tried to remember how long it took for the people to appreciate all he had done. It was a rare sight to see the normally upbeat demi-god seem withdrawn or a little depressed and he wanted to have his privacy for that exact reason. Yes, he had done many a great thing for the mortals. He pulled up islands, slowed down the sun, fought many monsters, and all of these feats were shown to the world in the form of his many tattoos. He was infused with this ocean and its myths as much as the gods were and he was a part of the world of humans in all but their lifespan. It was a never ending cyle. They would love him for all that he did for a few years, and then it would be like he never did anything at all to begin with. Then something would come up and then he would have to help them again, then they’d praise him, yada, yada, yada. It was really tiring to go through this. Every, single, generation, of humans. What else could he do to earn their love and adoration? He hated being stuck in-between two worlds sometimes. He knew for a fact that he didn’t want to be a god, due to the responsibilities (he knew for a fact that he would probably be the last person considered for such a position and it would not have been so fun if he couldn’t get to do whatever he liked anymore). Sometimes he wanted to retire and go back to being a human, even if a short lifespan scared the heck out of him. He felt something whacking against the left side of his chest and he looked down to see a smaller tattooed version of himself trying to get his attention. “What?” he demanded bitterly. The tattoo of himself–or Mini Maui as he refered that tattoo– pointed to something and he watched as a scene of a previous rescue played out on the left side of his chest. It showed the little girl and the pig he saved from the kakamora some time ago and it showed her reaching out to him, despite being unable to see at the time. He almost felt sorry for her back then, but her joy at her adventure was enough to quit the pitying. Mini Maui smiled at the girl and hugged her in a big embrace for a second before she was absorbed into him and the rest of the scene vanished. “Yeah, I remember the kid.” Maui said. “But she didn’t know it was me who saved her. I wouldn’t be suprised if she already died by now.” Another reason why it was not so fun being immortal. Almost everyone died before him, including too many children that he had met in his life. He sighed as he set the necklace aside and gazed upon the moon. “Don’t know if she would have wanted me around if she knew what she was getting herself into.” There was that one final problem- he was a danger to mortals as there was no telling what danger he would bring to them. Maui then realized that someone or something was right behind him while he had been distracted. He mentally cursed himself as he made to grab for his hook when that person spoke. “What’s a matter, little Maui? Not having fun saving those mortals you so adore?” Oh. Heck. No. He knew who it was. If it wasn’t the accent, then it was the tone of the voice–condescending, scheming, sinister when the owner so desired, and dangerous if used to lure a certain kind of prey–that gave him away. “I saw what happened on that island. Pretty ungreatful of them if you ask me. I would have done more then scare them and steal them blind if it were me, but why bother, right?” He laughed. “What do you want?” Maui demanded in a careful tone as his hand inched towards the hook. “Oh, I just want to know what is going on through your head right now, Maui man. Are you ready to give it all up and stop helping them? You can’t fight in every battle and save every one of those simple, fragile humans. Why should you if they turned your back on you once before?” Maui grabbed the hook and he heard the voice take a sharp intake of air. He probably remembered what happened the last time he saw that hook. Slowly the demi-god turned around and came face to face with a creature who almost shone in the moonlight thanks to the amount of treasures that somehow stuck to his shell. His eyes would have been considered a lovely shade of blue to anyone else, but one pupil was dialated and both eyes squinted at Maui with a careful gaurdedness that almost matched the smug smile on his face. Maui could also see out of the corner of his eye that the giant crab was still missing one of the legs on the left side of his body. “So what do you want to get off your chest, mon ami?” The crab grinned wide enough to reveal crooked teeth covered in barncales (much like his ‘chin’ if that was what it could be called). It never ceased to amaze Maui as to why such a voice as that could belong to something so... unappealing in apperance (and that was putting it kindly). “I mean that figuratively, of course, I don’t know if I want to see your tattoos come off your body. That would be a weird sight to see, but I digress. Ol’ Tamatoa is all... well I suppose I don’t have actual ears,” Tamatoa let out an unpleasant chuckle. “But I’ll still give it a listen.”

And now his Crabuloussness... err... the reason that some of you probably wanted to read this... ehh... Ok, yeah I’m fond of Tamatoa and he finally showed up. I’m a sucker for characters like him (you might already know that if you read my Zelda AUs) but... man is his song AWESOME! I wish he was in the film longer! Disney, please let him show up in a Moana short! You did shorts for Frozen and Tangled and they both featured antagonists from those films! Or at least give us a Moana musical instead of a Frozen musical, I’d give you my money for that! Poor Moana has no idea what she’s going to get trapped in the feud between Maui and Tamatoa *laughs*. My favorite part of the whole chapter to write out was the story-telling. I read from one particular article that the name Tamatoa is a name that came from a warrior and was also used within a certain Royal Family.... and that one reviwer in the article was very offended that Disney used that name for one of the antagonists in the film. As much as I like that name now, I can understand why that would seem offensive. That’s why I was inspired to add that one odd bit in the myth behind the character in this AU. Anyway, for those of you who are already making parallels, Pua IS meant to be like Max from the Little Mermaid, since he was the only one close to Eric who knew who Ariel was. Ok, I’ll shut up now. Let’s see where this goes and I don’t know if I can make a Tamatoa version of the song ‘Poor Unfortunate Souls’ but I can try to write out something that feels similar to that if its not a song.

[nielelendar]

Don’t mind me I need this 

- finding the last pictures you like yourself in it are more than 1 year old

- you actually kinda loved yourself at that moment, maybe that’s why

- trying to figure out what went wrong

Well first I was doing something I liked and was actually good at, which is litterature studies. The pictures stop when I stop the college in may.

Then I was operated in may. Like it’s supposed to be my new life, no more binders and shit.

I didn’t feel very happy at the hospital. Everything seemed forced. My family was there but the appreciation I have for their support hides the fact I actually kinda wanted them not to be here? My girlfriend also came, and friends. Did I wanted to be alone? Maybe that’s a “me” thing. I couldn’t get it. Live it. Because there were too many people around and I had to concentrate on how to react relatively to them so I couldn’t be in touch with what I was feeling and what was happening to me.

When I saw my friends who tend a coffee shop, who are not close friends, the guy who is a great sensitive guy almost cried from the fact that I was finally having surgery. I saw his eyes getting glossy and I had to stop myself from crying.  I mean, he was just happy for me? And that’s the first time I felt happy about my surgery. That I could connect with actual emotion. Like seing another person allowed me to be happy, to feel things.

But I also felt very, very lonely.

My mom who initially was against me having a chest surgery helped me pay a part of the bill and came with me to the hospital. She was there for me, right? I wasn’t rejected neither by my father neither my mother.

And still... it felt like everyone just waited for me to set the tone, to be happy, and they’d be happy for me then. And I wasn’t. I wasn’t unhappy either. I knew it had to be done, I wanted to do it, I was glad it was done.

I felt like I had waited too long. I was ready for this a year before. Maybe that’d had been too early. Everyone around me felt that way, that I was rushing things because I was only six monthes, a year into my transition? And I didn’t have the money. But that’s the moment I *wanted* it. I was making my body my own. But no. I waited. It hurt, you know? I know it hurt every moment and I just got used to it. Numbing myself. Forgetting myself again. And then I felt I did it but it was too late. It was just “fixing”.

Looking at my chest pictures pre-op is just so alien it makes me laugh. It’s obvious a male chest is what I needed. It’s so obvious to me I can’t find words to say it, I’m transgender baby, it’s just fact. A fact no one gets around me. Can people accept your transition and still not get it?

I don’t know. At first I liked the hurt when nerves were reconnecting. So I felt it was real. But then it felt numb. My tits felt nothing. Scars felt nothing. I did shit and got one of my scars larger. I barely took pictures and couldn’t get myself to post it on the forum I wanted to share them. Looked like laziness, I was busy. Same for massages. Skin was hard, it hurt under my pitarms where the drains were.

At some points I thought the areola were too big poped into my mind and I couldn’t see it differently. Then I noticed it wasn’t properly symetric and I kinda lost it inside? I mean, I could have done a periareolar but I went for the scars because I thought I’d be sure of the position of the areola. I felt they were a bit too low with peri and that they would be perfect ; scars were supposed to remind me who I was, and I also took the most pricey surgeon because I wanted it to be perfect and he has this reputation.

Yeah, I wanted it to be perfect. Maybe I’m a bit of a control freak.

And here I am with one tit round and the other oval, one bigger and one smaller, one higher and one lower.

My skin never was good for healing so I don’t know what I expected. The points around the areolas made them look like stars, and because of the cream I used on scars I had ugly long dark hair growing only on the scars, the lower part of my pecs.

But I’m not supposed to feel that way. I’m not supposed to be disappointed, and it’s my own fucking choice. And it probably looks better than a lot other chests, hell I know many would love to have it. Ah, and there was the issue with my left tit. Necrosis that was never called this way by the surgeon (it’s a scab my ass) and left it discolored, pinky in the middle and a bit distorted. Maybe I wasn’t ready to deal with all this shit. It could have been so much worse and objectively my chest looks fine. It’s a nice transgender chest.

But maybe this was hard and a traumatism for my body and instead of dealing with it head on, I was to busy using my energy building a façade where I have no disphoria because it’s not socially acceptable to have it. And I say that but I complained and it makes me feel like I’m whining. Never moving on. My gf is dealing with her own dismorphia and I get a lot of “this is the body you gotta live in” or maybe it’s my brain who’s distorting everything. She’s trying to accept she can be beautiful in her own way when I’m trying to change my body. I’m full of guilt for not being ever happy, for still complaining rn...

No one else than me should have been taking care. It was my responsability to face this hardship. Of knowing what’s good for me. Of asking for help when needed. Of prioritizing. But instead it was just a cross in my to do list, and feeling bad just a waste of time.

I’m supposed to be ok now. Two years into transition was the limit I felt I had. People love me when I’m happy and confident. I had my year to study, begin a new path, meet new people, everything was awesome. And that’s it, I tried to shut down the trans path and push back the fact I was not fine.

May-June-July 2018. It’s the moment when I really got into the my hero academia fan mindset. I wrote my first fanfics in years. I drew again a bit. In a burst of confidence, I accepted a work from the same friend that had cried over my operation. I was so happy I could imagine characters and draw pictures out of my mind, even if a lot were crappy, but at the same time couldn’t deal with rejection. When I posted my shit here and got no like, it fucked me up. And I couldn’t do the work. Part of it was just too hard technically. I drown in guilt and self shame of having been payed and doing nothing but procrastination. I had to go and say to them I couldn’t do it. They just left me a part of the job that was in my reach.

It took me a year to do this job. I don’t know, it took me maybe, a dozen hours in total? I just finished it yesterday night. And all this time it was a big weight on my mind. I couldn’t be myself around those people I liked and admired. I was the one who can’t do things properly and finish up and... stuff have an expiration date. When it’s passed there is no joy in it and no pride at all. Everything’s worthless no matter the time I put in it to compensate.

Everything was suspended this year. I feel the urge to move on but trully I want to move back, to stop and to be alone. I want to shake me up, to hit me and bully me into being a fucking adult. I also want to lie down and cry and being able to admit I’m not happy. I’d want to take care of myself but I’m so ashamed not having money. I don’t have clothes I like anymore but I can’t buy new ones. And I should find a summer job but time passes and I’m just doing everything and nothing.

I haven’t felt like myself in a long time. I’m obsessed with the fact it’s a privilege to even have that luxury when people work and exaust themselves surviving.

So yeah, I’ve finished those paintings one year late. Like I had my surgery one year late. And I’m still processing or obliteratings feelings from that time. It’s really frustrating to have been... well, I was anxious and cried very often but I was myself at some point. I’d prefer crying and facing things.

I have almost 0 pictures of this year. My pride disappeared somewhere. I went to Japan and I felt it was too late too. It was my dream, 10 years ago I promised I’d be back but again. I felt a lot of things. Tried to do that big project. Felt it wasn’t mine. That’s wrong, wrong, wrong. Yet this is how I felt. It took me such a big effort every step of the way.

I’m not now. I don’t feel like I’m on the right path. Even if I do things I’d say I’ll do a long time ago. Everyone is staring at me waiting for me to become something. I want to shut down and disappear, not litteraly but... I’m going to Japan like an escape. Part of me want to keep promises. The other who’d like to be a stranger knowing no-one to allow me a new beginning. I know my tendency to forget doesn’t help me to build myself. How many new beginning do I need? But knowing it’s an escape doesn’t change a thing. I feel like a lier. I said one year ago I was a writer. And I haven’t made a single movement since then. I was really happy when I attended storywriting sessions, then I stopped. I was really happy I could study litterature and analyze texts, then I stopped. I kept the Japanese for a dream, but it was in litterature I was really shining. It feels my brain had expanded and I loved its speed.

I felt I betrayed my teachers and drowned in guilt again. But I betrayed myself actually. Japanese studies are not a third as interesting as those were. I don’t use my brain or my talent. I’m terrified by creation and being an artist. Academia isn’t welcoming and I have left out the occasion to be in the field I was the most attracted to.

I’m searching a job but feel it’s already too late. Well, it is. Fuck I’m two monthes before leaving. I’m not ready at all. I’m acting like I have no time limit and can get my shit sorted out taking my time... I hate time.

[blackphantomfan995-blog-blog]

Hey! You there? I am. Wondering about life? Yeah i know you are. Dont ask me how i know. Shit what to write? Every second, every minute a thousand of images and words goes thrue my head, my mind is a messed up place. It never shuts down! I always think about something, im always caunting something and it doesnt sound so bad. Right? That’s what you thought. It’s killing me thruth to be told. I written a lot of messed up stuff but never one of my stories. Why do people write books about themself? Maybe if they had a happy life it would make everything okay, or a sad life just to get attention? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe they just wanted to be heard in the world and they wanted there story to be told. They just wanted someone to listen to them. Or maybe im just full of shit. Hah.. maybe? Think about that, unseartinty of the world. Think hard! Nothing 100% true today. That’s all we have a bunch of maybe’s and a bunch of lies that everyone is feeding us. If you are easily triggered that know dont read this because head up : Shit’s gonna get dark! What to say, what to say? My legs are shaking. I dont know why. Maybe I am nervous, huh.. maybe again. I’m not a pearson that ussualy opens up or actually tells you his feelings. Truth is i would rather suffer to see someone else happy. I know, i know.. It’s wrong and yes i do know todays big loud sentence in the world is i wanna die. Well thanks for ruining that. Take a moment to realize your joke and than say it again and again. Funny? No? Do it again! Say it ten more times! Funny? Maybe? Again, again and again! What’s wrong my silent friend? I cant hear a laugh anymore. You still want to make that joke? Go ahead say it, scream it, shout it from the bottom of your laungs until you run out of breathe and than fucking answer me: Still fucking funny? If you mean what you say than I’m with you. I understand! I wanted, I dreamed about it and I prayed for it and yet here I am still thinking not doing. It’s a scary thought aint it? Did you think about that my friend? What happends after you do it? Do you go to heawen to live out you favorite moment of life over and over again not being able to realize that you’re dead? Do you go to hell where demons rape you and satan tortures you over and over and over again? Do you simply stay on the other side as ghost forever? Do you get reborn in the new body not being able to remember your past life, or does it simply go black? Questions.. so many of them. I think about a lot of stuff and not being able to do anything because i overthink is my biggest weakness. We’ll get to everything dont worrie. I will let you in on my complicated mind but first lets exploy this. Heawen? Hmm.. it sounds kind off nice too bad I’m not. If it is real than i wouldnt go but i guess you know me better or you will so its for you decide. My happiest memorie? Shit.. i cant. I took a minute away from keyboard to change a song and took a moment to realize what my favorite moment is. and truth to be told i cant remember. Do i not have one? No i have one! Why cant i remember? Thousand of things are going thrue my mind and there it is the most beautiful and peacefull moment i lived is when i was next to an amazing girl. We didnt have sex, we werent drunk, we didnt have a good time with jokes or by watching anything. She was simply sleeping. Her head was on my cheast as i stroked her hair. Her heart beat i could feel as it almost matched mine. Her soft and gentl breath could be heard in the dead silence of the room. The window in the corner of the room had stripes on it so moonlight entered my room in lines when rest was just dark. Her soft body was next to mine. So warm and soft. That is the moment i knew that it doesnt get better than that. It complete nirvana. I knew nothing mathered and for the first time in my life my brain didnt work. I was at peace. I didnt worrie about now, or tomorrow in that moment. Nothing and everything mattered and it was beautiful.  Huh.. sorry for a moment there i got emotional. Just kidding it’s gonna get way, way deeper than that. It’s just hard to think about that. I want to feel that again. I want my fucking brain to stop working for atleast one minute so I can relax. No real names will be spoken in this book for there sake and i got way than enough people that hate me alread. So where did we left off? Oh that’s right death.  Hell? That one has many stories but lets talk about the most common one what would happen. You wake up in hell and you’re alone. You would think there’s fire but no. There’s nothing. Everything black and than it begins the torture the pain. Think of all your pain and combine it with milion. You would bleed and every part of you would be ripped apart. The pain would be endless and you would die over and over and over again and just kept coming back with no scars with nothing and it would go all over again. Huh.. that one sounds like a bitch, right? I wouldnt want that would you my friend? Stupid question afcorse you wouldnt there is no scenario in the world where anyone would want or think about that. Haha jokes on me i did. I’m sitting in the dark with my hoodie on combined with music not even normal music some wierd shit and writing about it. There’s a guy next to me playing a game. What would he think of me if he reads this? Would he see me as broken or damaged or simply would he share pitty? What do you think my friend? Please dont hate me! I just want to be honest with you much as i can and let you know me. Dont be scared. He left! The guy that was sitting next to me so now i can tottaly commit to you and we will have complete privacy. Staying on other side is a hard thing. Maybe worse than hell itself. Imagine the pearson you love the most in the world. Did you? Good. Now imagine being next to her without being able to touch her, without being able to touch anything. You can scream all you want but nobody would hear you. Would you like it that way? Let’s get deeper in to this. Imagine you’re tied to the one you love as a ghost. Does it sound bad? Yes! Imagine if you love a boy or a girl. She/He is your everything. You will see them in pain after your loss if you’re lucky enough for them to be in pain for you. It will destroy you watching that pearson suffer. What would happen after that? That pearson will get over you sooner or later while you are still tied to him/her and you will be forced to watch that pearson fall in love with someone else. Someone else will take your place, someone else will love them and fuck them when you will be forgoten. What would you do then my friend? Kill yourself? You cant, you’re already dead. You’ll cry, you’ll be in pain, you’ll be trully alone and in the end you would lose your mind over and over and over again.  It just fucked my head. What would you do in that place? The best scenario i can think of is that the girl i love would be alone but i wouldnt be happy even than. I couldn watch her be alone and sad like me. If she does have and you do wait for her on the other side you can probobly realise that she would wait for her last love and i would be forgoten. It doesnt work good in any scenerio. I would get old and i will be alone. Much as i love being alone, all by myself. It would be bad. Fuck.. i need to stop thinking. I lighted a ciggarete just to calm my nervs even if it doesnt so many people say it does because they bealive it’s that easy but im not weak minded. My mind doesnt stop. Do you smoke? Join me for a smoke.  There is alternative that you wouldnt remember anything or that you wouldnt remember anything. You would be reborn in a new life and be someone else. They are cases when people say they remember there past life. Moles and birth marks you have are a scar that’s been past down to your new bodie as a mark of how you died in past life. Do you bealive that? I think it’s interesting but people remembering there past life i think that is just pack of shit. I could say its 100% true or false cause’ we cant possibly know.  Well what do you think now? The death doesnt sound fun. It’s a thing to be scared of! I want it and im guessing a lot of other people but that is what life is. Life.. Fuck life! It is perfectly designed mistake made just for amusment for higher power to laugh at us. Did you ever heard a saying if you wanna make god laugh just tell him your plans. Hah.. it kind of makes sence. I read a joke the other day it was funny for me.So here it is : A guy is sitting in the office in a interview for a job. There’s two more of them. A woman and a man. They all wearing suit’s so it look’s serious. So a woman asks: Do you have any special talents? He reaplyes: I cant die! A man and a woman excanged lookes and asked: How cant you die? He said: Because dreams dont come true!  Hahaha cracks me up every time. How about you friend? Did you laugh? I hope you did. The jokes. They are all i have! I have nothing. It’s lonely from where i sit. You wouldnt bealive me how lonely it is. I thought of getting a dog. It’s not something special but its something. Made me miss Rocky. I know its a shitty name i didnt choose it. The only animal i loved. I should explain. When i was 4 or 5 i cant really remember the year but i had a dog. He wasnt a special breed or somehow special in any way but he was to me. Groving up i didnt have friends. Not because they didnt want to hang with me it’s because i didnt want to hang out with them. It’s okay you’re safe with me. If you are reading this than you are probably wierd as me and it’s okay. It’s okay to be wierd! My sister didnt want ever to play with me neither my parents. They were to busy fighting. My grandma well just sat there and ignored the hole situation. Many times i would hide and of all fighting i would just abserve her how could she remain so calm. I kind of felt it all even back than. I didnt realise what was going on but fuck there was scenes i cant forget. What is your first memory my friend? Your dad teaching you how to ride a bike? You mom teaching you how to cock, some family member loving you in any way? Mine was my dad holding my moms neck as she scratched him took a knife and chased him thrue the house. She ran right past me and didnt care. I ran out of the house and went to the backyard and climbed my favorite tree. I cryed normaly since i was just a kid. I remember saying to myself “mom and dad dont love me” I cryed so much i began to shake and i fell from tree. It wasnt high but for a kid it was. It was atleast four feet high and i fell. I lost concesnes for two hours i think. I think that was what trigerred my sleep paralysis. Because i just lied there and kept thinking to myself my parents will show up, they will show up. I began talking to myself just to calm myself down. I know it’s insane to talk to yourself and yet i do it. It’s the only thing that keeps me sain witch isnt working that much for a long time my friend. Since that day i suffered from sleep paralysis until july this year when it just stoped but more on that later. I waited until i could move i stud up dusted myself off and went in to my house. I climbed the stairs and saw my mom, dad, grandma and sister drinking coffee like everything is okay. Like nothing happend. I froze. I stud there and i looked at them as the did at me. My mom said where have i been and why is my knee bleeding. I lovered my head and saw my knee and simply walked away. I was hoping for attention so i walked slow as i heard my sister say what a retard and my parents laughing at that. So yeah my friend i wasnt a friendly pearson neither i wanted friends. Same goes until this day. My only friend was my dog. I played with him and he never brought the ball i threw him neither did he obey me. He didnt hafty. I was a kid. I would simply sit on the ground and pet him. It was beautifull. I even builded him a wooden house. He had one but it was old so i decided to fix it up. I didnt know how to use nails, hammer or any tool for that matter but i gave it a try. I spent few hours on that rotten, little house. The only break i took was to go in the house and eat. It was almost night and i nedeed to go inside the house. So i finished it finnaly placed in the corner in the back-yard and admired what i’ve done. Rocky went inside and liyed on the floor. My heart was filled with joy and i run inside to show my parents. They didnt care, they said if anything i made it worse. Looking back it wasnt good i admit it. I didnt fix it. But that wasnt a thing to say to a kid. My joy went away in a second as i got ready for the bed. The next day i would wake up early in the morning when everyone was sleeping to help my grandma with launch and shoping. I loved to help around the house. She sent me to the store so i went. Rocky never left the yard. I went and saw him from distance. It was a huge dog you cannot miss him. As i ran twords him he ran twords me and then it happend. A car ran over him. I could have screamd or cryed but i didnt. It was shock without me knowing even what shock is. I continued walking to the store looking back at him and i began to be scared. I didnt even go near him as i returned home. I walked in my house, placed  groceries on the table and told my grandma: “The car ran over ..” and than i broke i started crying. My grandma buried him and i was sad for days. I would sit alone in back-yard thrue entire day not doing anything or saying anything. It was quiet mostly but i did talk to myself a bit. That is the first time my parents were trully worried about me and tryed to talk to me. They even forced my sister to play with me but nothing changed until few days later a neiborhood dog chased thrue the street on my way to the store and bit me by hand as i fell. Somehow i forgot for a time there. I forgot about Rocky and my life went going. When i watched frankeweene for the first time I cryed so much. I think that is the first time i remembered him. I didnt leave my room or play with someone else until i was seven. Life’s weird. I know! Fuck.. I cant, i want to but i’m trying to share much as i can. It’s hard. Do you know? Are you deranged like me my friend? Shit.. lets keep going. In those two years nothing special happened. My parents got divorced i cryed, my sister kissed my moms ass and they spent all of there time together and my grandma got sick. I kind of felt it all and started growing up in another direction. I didnt like to talk to people, i didnt like to be touched by anyone, i liked my stuff organized and i would go crazy if any of my top three rules broke. My mom forced me when i was seven out of the house to make friends. I went outside and i was afraid. I didnt know anyone. On the way thrue the street i looked myself in the car and saw my reflection. Looking back i was a nobody between those kids and i regret going out to this day. I was just some lame kid with his favorite spider t-shirt and half long black hair that i kept pushed back. You dont fit in anywhere neither do I. People are feed with the bullshit and they keep saying look at me im awkward, look at me i wanna die. But are you? Are you trully crazy like me? What’s wrong with society people ask. You did it! Not you friend maybe, maybe you did I wouldnt know but what i do know is that the world is sick. There is so much filth in this world. People steal. Everybody steals. You cant say you dont cause sort of you do. In every position someone is getting more or less. Someone is stealing and someone is loosing. It’s a selfish circle. Look at what happend to the world! What do you see my friend when you walk, what do you see outside? Do you see beauty or reality? I see the world for what it is and most of people dont know me i and judge me crazy just for that. I know the world has gone to shit. Today’s corparate media (facebook, youtube, twitter, instagram, snapchat, viber, what’s up, my space, messenger, google, yahoo, apple and many more) They are sickness in the world. They’re not the only one! Do you know who Steve Jobs is? I do! Steve Jobs is a man that got ritch from child support. Underage kids worked there ass off for him to get ritch. What do you think he runned? Apple! Iphones today you’re using its all him, Think next time you take your iphone that some kid was forced to work and make it. You dont care? Ohh i know you do but not enough to speak out and throw it away. Am i right? You wouldn’t cause’ fuck kids right? I am discasted by this world. Look at hollywood. Everybody knows and loves hollywood and yet it infested with child pornagrafy and sexuall abuse. Many actors came out and said that they were abused. Many writers and directors were the one who abused kids and yet they went to prison for a little bit. Not even all of them just some of them and than they returned to hollywood. Knowing that a guy raped a tweelwe year old girl went to jail, came out and is now directing a movie who main theme is that a girl is raped when she’s tweelwe. It just fuck’s my head. I know i shouldn’t care. But i do. I care! I can go on for days on what is wrong with society but truth is you already know that. Long as you have money you dont give a shit. Nobody does. Todays biggest problams are attention, dating, social media, money.. There’s no love or respect. There’s no hope anymore. The human species might as well soon be priced out of exsistence since the world is fucked. People dont care about anything but themselfes. Sometimes i try it. I really tryed but i cant that’s not who i am. Soon nothing will matter cause we’ll all be too dead to care. So you ask me what is wrong with society? Fuck society! I thought of getting a shrink many times. But comeone let’s be realistic. He doesn’t know what goes around in my head. Nobody does! I can write to you my friend all day long and yet you couldnt help. Truth is by the end of this you’ll see me as a broken man and you’ll keep your distance like everybody else. That’s the main reason i push so many people away. I can put a fake smiley that nobody never knew it was fake. When i was dying and screaming inside nobody knew i never let them. That scares me to be honest. I’m sorry but i am. We are friends right? Hah… i sound like an emo to you dont I? People living in the ignorence of the world having everything and saying they know what pain is are retards. I’m not discureging disabled people but I’m stating the fact that that thought for you to have it you need to be a retard. My skin is bothering me right now. I hate it. I hate everything. What do you say to this my friend? What do you say to someone like me? Have you ever been lonely? I have. The feeling doesnt go away. I mean it does but that pain, that feeling sticks with you. It is something you cant forget like smoking a first joint, poping a first pill or getting drunk the first time.  Shit. im over doing it aint i? Can you see me? Can you hear me? The lonelyness goes oway but it always comes back. For a moment you get a fix of your drug, an escape from reality and it comes right back. It hits you like a bullet. You dont know what happened but you feel it. Every time its more painfull. It gets deeper every time and it digs and digs it’s way to you brain until you get so stressed out you cant speak or breathe. You type words like i do without taking a breathe. It’s hopeless. You cant stop it. Your entire body starts cramping up and you start to shake. There’s a whole world around you and yet you’re in the corner. It’s dark. Nobody’s around even though they are it’s like they’re gone. Nobody’s around you’re all alone. You slowely take a deep breathe, realize you’re a goner and it the ice cold wind hits you as you start to shake and feel it in your bones. The pain is real. You blame everybody around, everyone you know, you blame your mother for giving birth to you, you curse god for creating pain or let along creating you, you go thrue every possible option but in the end you only have yourself to blame. You blame yourself. You ask yourself as tears fall while your entire body is shaking: What have i done wrong? Why did i deserve this? You want the feeling to go away and your mind is clowded so you first resort is cut it out. You take a razor put it on your hand. It’s on your arm. Pressed sharp on it waiting to cut you open but your mind is somewhere else. You want it and you dont. You figure why the hell not? Is there anybody who cares? There’s a thousand of things going thrue your head. Reasons why you shouldnt do it and reasons why you should. Everything and nothing is there or isnt as it opens your vein slowely. It hurts so you make a small sound as a razor cuts you open. You look at it and the blood slowely starts to apear and drip from your arm. You do it again, and again, and again and you just watch it. Watch blood drip oway. Watch life fade oway. Something wrong my friend? I know it’s bad. Everybody knows! But there is something so peacfull about it. The pain gets put out. The feeling of lonelyness goes oway. It’s like taking a strong drug and recovering from it. It’s like your system is adjusting to normal again as you watch it bleed. Tears have stoped and you hear a voice. You look around and realize this is in you head. Shit. This was all in my head. What the hell is happening to me? It takes few of these until you trully do it. It’s just a matter of time before anybody snap’s and my was when i was eleven years old. I hope havent lost you my friend. I kind of feel better talking about this to you. Actually no i dont. Anxiety is killing me right now. There is to many people around me it makes me wanna stand up scream shut the fuck up. Lucky me to have you to talk to so i can take my mind off things. Looking at it it’s wrong i know it is. Worse of all it’s like being addicted and i dont mean that you want to cut yourself but for pain to go away next time you need to cut more of yourself, you need to cut deeper, and deeper, and deeper until you’re a goner. So where did i stop? What story should i say to you? Please dont let me be gone.. please, please, please, please... I’m crying as i write this. Truth is i have so much pain and i just wanna die. There is the biggest truth about me. Fuck life, fuck family, fuck everything and everyone. Every one of you can suck it. Do you want the truth? You got it.. But that is not how life works. I live for pain. I want happines maybe, i wanna feel normal but im not. I know what is like to be different. I’m very different. I’ve been telling myself for a long time now, for at least 10 years now dont worrie about life. It can maybe fuck you hard and leave you deppresed but you’re not going to live long to care. Year after year getting thrue life drunk and high thinking im gonna do it. I swear im gonna do it. But here i am. Left alone to bleed out my tears and pain and it still has a hold on me. Oh god how i wish it was different. Did you ever fantisize about what would it be to have a normal life? What would it mean? I did! Somehow i know no matter what i do, or what would happen i would end up the same deppresed, broken high and lonely boy i am. Fuck.. shit’s getting blurry around me. Somehow i think this book shouldnt be read while you’re high. Shit’s insane and it can fuck you up. Take a pill. Join me. Slowely turn up Lil Peep and sink in your bed, light a ciggarete and join me in my hell. That reminds me of a winter when i was sixteen. I was alone. I was living alone as well. I had no money. I didnt eat for two days and outside was ice cold. I returned home from a dessprate attempt to steal some food but i didnt do it. I walked in to my old house where i lived. It had no eletricity or water. It was chilling cold. I was so alone. I had nobody. I liyed on my bed covered myself with what i had and froze for hours. To make a situation even worse i took some pills thinking fuck it would be good. I wont feel shit i’ll just fall asleep. But i didnt! I was awake for hours..thinking, and thinking, and thinking. What do i have to live for? I’ve hit rock bottom so many times that it doesnt suprise me anymore. I just wait for it knowing it’s coming. I mean that moment was something i cant put in the words. That is the first time i cryed for hours. I cutted my entire arm and didnt even feel it. It was the first time it didnt help no matter how deep i got. You know it’s bad when it’s to cold to even take your pant’s off so you cut your legs thrue them while crying/screaming.  When you read this dont think im telling you to do drugs. I dont! But for a fucked up life you need drugs. People who didnt try dont understand what it’s like. My life without drugs would be a complete wreck at least with drugs i had some good moment’s. It was fun at least sometimes. I remember my first joint. My ex friend and i smoked it in my yard. I tripped out i was a vampire haha.. can you bealive it? I was fourteen and i was way in too Vampire Diaries. I builded at least a hundred stakes and started making weapons like they did in Supernatural my favorite show by the way. So many good memories with people i want to die now but still those memories are something that is still a part of who i am. I didnt have anyone to tell me that’s good or bad. I didnt have anyone to teach me some things like shave or even to have a awkward converastion about sex. I wanted that. I know it’s stupid but im a sucker for all those things and i know it’s too late now anyways. What do you think? Dont call me a crybaby. Shit happend’s and people break. Soul is supouse to be the strongest part of oneself. I’m not you know selfish and shit. There are people who dont have shoes to put on there legs let along eat, there are starving children and im complaining on and on. It doesnt mean you’re depressed just because you dont have something, for that matter you can have a lot of things and be depressed. When I was thirteen my mom was at good financial state and i had basic shit and i was depressed. I’m not saying money doesnt mean anything. It does! Money is everything! I guess you can sink it in simply buy saying to everything “look at the bright side. You’re going to die and nothing’s going to matter anyways. Sorry friend. I went over board. This is about my memories i guess. It’s a shit storm same as it’s writter. What can i even say? Everyone was mean to me so imma going to die young. Yes! That’s gonna happen sooner than you think. When you think of family what is the first thing you think of? Love? Happines? Well in my case it’s different. When i try to remember i remember a scared boy. Scared of everything trying to hide from anyone. Home is a safe space for most. For me it was hell! Endless beating and torture. Did you ever feel so alone and realised that you completly alone? I have. I hate when i cant hold in my loneliness. I remember a night after a long time i wasnt depressed. I was maybe eleven and i was sitting on the window in my sister’s room. My sister was a messy pearson and nobody went in to her room because it’s filled with trash. I mostly went there so i can spend my time sitting on window listening to music, smoking and thinking about a girl. Her name was Sara. That is my favorite girl name. Hah.. it was in those moments friends. I stare at her house imagening that she will come out and that we will start some life together or atleast be together. You thought i was crazy? I did this for months. Each day i would repeat the story and add a new detail. Did you figure it out yet? It never got boring for me not even for a second. It was my way for a time coping with depression and to honest it made me happy. Story went perfect and it went like this. She was a blonde. I in my goth fase would be sitting on my window smoking while Garbage or The Cure would be playing in background. My black hoodie would be on me and she would notice me. It would be difficult not to. You could actually feel the spark between us the first time are eyes met. She had green ones. It gives me the chills just remembering it. She was moving in the house next to mine. The boxes and stuff were going in from all the trucks while the two of us would just look in each other eyes. It didnt have a meaning it was just that not some special love or meaning. But when i looked at her nothing mattered. It was complete peace and she took the big bootle of glue and glued together my heart and soul. Ahh it gives me the chills just to remember it. What did you think? No! It wasn’t sex it was just that. My undying love for Sara as she made me feel hole. That being said i can return to the part of me just sitting there on the window remaking the story in my head as my mother came in and pushed me off the second floor. To this day i have back problems because of it.  My mom was a spoiled kid and she always expect perfection and that everyone brings everything to her feet and treat her like a queen. I wasnt the best son. I wasnt even half way later but it was too late than for mothers attention when ruined me. Not alone afcorse there is a lot of people who fucked with me and made my life living hell.

[ourheartscomefirst]

The one who kissed.

Most of you should think I am a hore for letting him kiss me that way, they he runned his finger through my butt and the way he was holding me; maybe he had that intentions, but I didn’t, here goes the story.

It has been 1 year since I broke up with my exboyfriend, he has already settled down with another girl, I don’t know if she is better than me, but he seems happy and that is all that matters, even if I make jokes about him and say that I didn’t love him anymore, I did, at some point I was madly in love with him, as he was with me.

I was alone, I have some friends that I trully love, some others that I don’t, or others that I hate and I love, however, as I sat down and let the wind softly flip my hair, people passed in front of me, some of them running for thei next class, hoping they could get an A, and some other just enjoying the view, knowing that what is lost, is lost, we better enjoy the ride, suddenly, I glanced at a tall, blond boy, he had short curly hai and some hipster glasses that matched perfectly with his eyes; a memory got back at me, he was some random guy that was fixing his glasses on his faces while we were walking by, his beautiful brown eyes.

I stared at him, but he never turned his face at me, I was invisible, but, the way he walked, the way he smiled was all I needed and more, he was perfect.

Days passed, sometimes I had the opportunity of seeing him with his friends heading to the library or to the exit, that period I tried to talk with every guy I liked, just to know if I had a shot with some of them, spoiler, everyone failed.

Everytime he walked by I tried catching his attention by doing something weird, sometimes he glanced, some not, but he was to perfect for me that I never cared not talking to him.

I saw him on his laboratory class, one time, he stared at me, and I did the same, but it was nothing important.

One of the sunny and stressful days of the semester, when i was studying for my last class of the day, he was walking by and stared at me as he was talking to his friends and heading to their favorite spot, I suddenly blushed and looked away, he was just simply perfect. (As I write this, I feel buttterflies on my stomach, oh poor me!). My friend told me that he was helping a girl selling some candies, he has never sold candies ever!, he was heading to us when I searched for a notebook to be kind of interesting. “Hi, would you like to buy some candies?” he said staring at me, “no thanks, I have already eaten some” I nodded my head, “oh well, would you like some other things?, I mean, alcohol, drugs” he started laughing, “no thanks, bye!” I said while I looked back my notebook, it was the best thing that happened to me that day.

The party of my carreer was at 6 pm and I was ready to take advantage of some of my dance moves to use them with two or three guys that I have seen before, time passed, songs passed, everything was hot and blurry, until I saw him, he was already drunk and dancing with another girl. “SHOUT THE ONES WHO ARE SINGLE!” said the dj through the microfone, obviously I shouted until I realised that the perfect guy shouted too, I was really happy of knowing that, three seconds later, he was dancing really close with another girl, and at one time to another he was kissing her, but she just turned around and kissed another man (I mean, at a party, one is okay, but two at the same time?!) It never made me feel anxious or bad, that is what it is, things happen like that, an also, we are in college, everyone does what they want at the parties, that is the basis of it’s appeal! At that party I tried dancing to him making some booty moves at his leg (Because he is really tall) but with no success. The party was already ending when I took my way home, that is how my night ended.

I saw him several times walking by the school, but I made up my mind thinking that he would never know about me, I was irrelvant for him.

The semester ended and some random frind invited me to a party, I did not think on going but I was bored and needed a distraction so I told my friend to come with me to the party, we were the first arriving, a friend invited me a beer and we all five started talking about school, teachers, getting to know each other before the party started. I was laughing with my friend when suddenly I saw the perfect way there, smiling like always, I didn’t put so much attention (At first I started shouting that he was my super crush) on him and I kept talking and socialising with others, the time to leave was and I was saying goodbye to everybody when a friend told me to go where he was, he presented me some guys I have seen before and we started talking, when the perfect guy asked for more drink, “You can drink mine, I’m leaving” I shouted through the crowd, “I would also take some of your kisses” he said with a beautifull smile, really close to me, smiling, knowing that what he was doing was completely sexy, I just nodded and smiled “Hmm, okay” inmediately his lips took their to mine, his toungue making space in mine, his glasses were on my face, but it was not awkward, we were kissing in front of everyone when he took my hand and opened my way to his arms, his strong and soft arms that were holding me so tight. He was really intense on that kiss, his hands were tking their way to my butt, holding it really hard and pressing me against him, his open mouth and his soft lips on mine, his toungue, always making his way to touch mine, his glasses knocking softly my face, I put my arms around his neck letting him press me more against his body, I took my hand and my fingers run through his hard abs, his strong waist moving, I felt like I was in the moon, it was all I wanted, everything of him was perfect, I moved his hands of my butt several times “Calm down boy” I said beetween the kisses, “Get away?” he asked a little surprised, I laughed and kept kissing him, tasting everything of his delicious mouth, I checked the clock 8:14. “Hey, I have to go” I said, “Please don’t go, are you getting back to your house?” “No, i’m going to another party” “Would it be better than being here?” “Maybe” I said as I smiled and he kept kissing me, his kisses moved through my neck and my cheek, “your hair is really getting on my way” he said as he moved my hair and kept kissing my neck,”By the way, I‘m Miguel” he tried to bite me twice but I moved so he could not do that, “I won’t tell you my name” I whispered at his ear, “Neither my carreer”, “You know I can find you”, he said in a really sexy way “Maybe you will, but In wouldn’t know” “I have to go, my friend is waiting for me” I repeated as I left him, I took my drink and put him on his hands as I walked out of the house. I was out of the house when another friend told me that Raul wasn’t repliyng his messages an I told him that neither do mine, suddenly, Miguel got out of the house too, waiting for me to finish talking to my friend, I walked and he took me in his arms and told me not to leave, “I’m going to another party, leave me” I gave him a quick kiss when he huged me and carry me, it felt like heaven, we kissed once more, but he was taking my clothes, so he knew it was time for leaving me, everyone was loonking at us through the window, I said goodbye to my friends, new and old and made my way to my car.

[lil-teenidle-blog]

How can I put it down into words?

I’ve used to suffer a little bullying when I was a little child. But for me it was no bullying at all. I know it doesn’t make any sense. 

Well, I felt I was beautiful trully, but I was a fat little girl and a bit weird too -I’ve always been- Everyone used to laugh at my back, but I thought I was awesome, until I realised they were telling the truth. I wasn’t pretty you know, not for them, not for my parents who told me I should lose weight and that’s what I’ve done. 

It was never enough, you know? I spend my entire year dedicating myself into practicing exercises to become ‘’pretty’’. Yes, I came back to my normal weight. But It wasn’t enough, I felt prettier, but they didn’t think so. They kept talking about me at my back, and laughing at my facebook pictures all the time in the classroom. I had some friends, and I was happy despite all the bad things they said. I just ignored all of them. 

I must say I wasn’t an angel too. I did bad things with little age, things I regret of, and I lost my friends because of it, and I suffered a lot at home, at school. The only thing I could do was to scream a lot.

I’ve found new friends, I was finally part of a group I belonged to. I was happy, but I was mean. I always made them fight, and then I walked alway crying in the school’s bathroom. Hypocrate, right? I used to feel so bad with myself, but I just couldn’t stop hurting me and the people around me. 

But I have grown and when I enter in High School I thought it would change. Some of my friends were gone (from school, I mean. They’re still my friends), and I was brand new. So I wanted to believe.

I payed for my mistakes, I can guarantee it for you! All of them. My first date marked me deeply, made me suffer a lot, but because of it, because of all this marks I am what I am today. And everything is forgiven.

What I can’t forget is my last year at school. It was the worst year of my life. My best friend left me alone to find herself, I used to be her shadow for everything, she was famous, I was nothing. I had my talents, but no one cared, because they had hers. And then they took her too. 

I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t study, I coudn’t do anything but to cry. I was a mess and all I did was to push her away from me. I fel like no one cared for me at all, my mother seemed so distant, I couldn’t talk to her or to anyone. I thought about killing myself a lot that year. I thought since it was the last year at school, everyone could be friends, but I was wrong. I’ve seen myself all alone. So yeah, I am happy that I’m not in school anymore. 

The worst year of my life is over, my best friend came back to me, she said she was sorry for everything. I have my friends who I know they love me, I have my parents who loves me too. I have people who care and I know it. But I kept a fear from high school with me. The fear of being alone once again, the fear of being apart from everyone. The fear of people laughing at my back all the time. And it’s hard to live with this, worrying about what they are saying or thinking about me. 

I know, you should not think about them, you should think about yourself. Yeah, I tell that to myself all the fucking time. 

I’m 17, and I think i’m pretty, sometimes. But when they say I’m not, I think I’m not despite everything I am. It hurts me deeply. And I know it’s dumb to think like that, you don’t need to say it. 

I’m going to a new University in August, and I am scared. God, I am so scared they won’t like me. I am so scared of screwing everything. 

Three days ago I did something I’m not proud of, and I never thought I would be able to do it until I did it. I’ve been cutting myself, looking for blood, I want to feel alive, it’s a necessity. I can’t control it. I’m ashamed of it, of hurting my own body for something so stupid, but when I look at sharp objects I just want to feel it in my skin. I don’t wanna die, yet.