#objectively speaking simplified is a lot more clear cut

[niteshade925]

Why the argument of "which system of written Chinese is the 'right' one" is kinda pointless:

All 12 characters below are different forms of the character 剑/劍/jiàn (means double-edged single-hand straight sword) that have been used throughout history. Which one is the "right" way? :P

[hopefull-mindset]

A Much Needed Overview

I’ve been brought to a point of feeling the need to discuss the abuse depicted in Bungou Stray Dogs. This isn’t the brightest topic to speak about and I understand why people are reluctant to speak in detail about something as serious as this. It’s not easy, so I’ll be the brave face today because I feel disappointed about the lack of deep discussion beyond the popular topic of “The Abuse Cycle”.

I’m happy that it’s at least brought up amongst everyone as something that exists, I’m happy that people feel as though it’s something to talk about, but I don’t think most understand how to act about it. It’s never as cut and dry as how it’s depicted in most other pieces of media or how people speak about it in general. That is why I am thankful for its depiction here. Not saying that nobody speaks about it with clarity, but it’s not the majority, unfortunately.

I especially felt this was a good time to address this because of the reaction towards Asagiri’s thoughts on Dazai and Akutagawa’s relationship in the recent magazine interview. The outrage is not from nowhere, I was also taken aback at first, but to claim Asagiri “doesn’t even know his own story” is incredibly self-entitled considering the story isn’t done, nor are you the one writing this. If you read the story, no way is Asagiri justifying anything that happened. Please look at the question that is being asked, does it say “Do you think what Dazai did is morally right?” Of course, it isn’t.

Not to be rude but before you start questioning the writer himself if he’s read his own story, have you read it? Please keep in mind the fact this is only a magazine interview and doesn't reflect every nuance. Asagiri doesn't need to go “Oh yeah, this thing that’s bad is bad” every two seconds to explain himself. Asagiri’s writing decisions can be questionable and cannot be uncritiqued, but I’m going to have to defend him on this account.

I’m not sure if any warnings are needed concerning the subject matter considering most BSD fans know what I’m about to go over, but to be clear, please only read this when you’re in a well enough headspace for heavy matters such as this. I am not going to be talking lightly in any of this or dance around what’s happened between any of the characters, abuse is harder to talk about compared to other acts of violence that are objectively worse because it’s a more personal act that too many can find themselves in.

Finally, I do not want to speak about my own experiences online because I’ve only come to terms recently with it and they do not reflect everyone’s response to depictions of abuse in all media. Some things are very uncomfortable to admit about me that I haven’t told anyone, that no one would be able to take well even if they were my closest friend. This isn’t about me at all and there is no point in saying more about my reality, but I think my perspective might help people enlighten themselves on how truly complicated situations like this are.

What is Abuse?

Surprise, we need to go over this before any discussion about BSD happens because a lot misunderstand what abuse is. It's disheartening that the term has been so simplified that nobody knows what it means anymore. Don't substitute words for abuse or use abuse as a substitute for other terms. Abuse as a concept is quite hard to pin down with words and there are many ways to describe it, but by definition in the context that it’s directed to another person, abuse is:

To target and mistreat someone, causing them harm or distress in a repetitive manner

This by itself does not describe the grand scope of everything and probably might make you more confused, but it’s a great place to start and does describe what is directed to the victim. Many sources will use varied wording, but it’s the general knowledge that someone is being hurt to a fundamental level that makes it abuse.

Does the abuser need to intentionally hurt someone for it to be abused? Yes, but not in the way you think. Most abusers are not hurting their victims for the sake of just hurting them, that’s illogical, they’re doing it for something. Some examples include either for themselves in some way or what they think is for their victim’s “own benefit”. Even worse is when they genuinely believe it because they’ve also grown up in an environment that has that same mentality and reflects on themselves.

So yes, it’s intentional in that they’re doing it for a purpose. No matter their intention though, “selfless” or not, it’s still a selfish act in itself that they think that imposing their own will through harmful methods is what the victim needs. The abuse doesn’t need to be physically harming another for it to be abuse. As long as it’s harming you emotionally or otherwise and making you raise flags in your head, it’s abuse.

It sounds strange, but I'm saying it’s intentional because you’re still an intended target of their abuse whether they realize it themself or not. Abuse needs to repeat a form of distress in you to be abuse. For example, does one instance of physical violence against you count as abuse when it never happens again? Well, you need to think about the context. Usually, this would just be assault and that’s it, but is it left hanging in the air to happen again when you interact with them? Do you feel afraid for your well-being, even though it doesn’t happen again?

That’s still abuse, the psychological kind. Typically when abusers resort to physical means, it’s gonna happen again eventually. In this hypothetical instance, however, the point is that repeated distress does not mean repeated actions. It does not need to happen the same way for you to feel unsafe, it just needs to have power over you. Manipulation does not always equal abuse either. It’s a tactic used by abusers, but unless paired up with other actions, it doesn’t fit the criteria of abuse. Context matters when you examine what abuse is.

Here comes the tricky parts that are acknowledged less: When the abuser is someone you’ve relied on in your childhood, in a detrimental part of your life, or someone you care about that you put importance in, and it makes it hard to fully hate that person. What the abuser has done to the victim does not entirely reflect them as people, even if it’s still an important part of them that needs to be addressed.

Abusive people are not only defined by their awful actions, they’re not pure monsters like most love to pretend they are. It’s just easier to think that because accepting that they’re just a multifaceted human being hurts too much when you’re on the receiving end of their worse behavior. But what happens when you’re on the receiving end of both? You try to justify it the way the abuser is because you can’t accept that what’s happening is bad and not something everyone goes through. After all, they treat you decent enough sometimes.

Something so many people need to get into their heads already is that abusers can be victims and vice versa, but just because your abuser went through something themselves or is important to you, doesn’t mean you have to forgive them. Abuse is not forgivable just like that, you can rebuild a relationship beyond that if you’re able to, It’s not a “forgive-and-forget” thing.

Not everyone experiences and responds to abuse the same way, some hate their abusers fully, some can’t bring themselves to, and some don’t even know what to think, but there are so many who don’t feel one way that regarding all abusers as heartless monsters completely invalidates so many stories and their difficult experiences. I have a huge grudge against people like this who restrict abusive situations to just looking like one thing, this is why so many don’t even know that their situations are abusive.

Portrait of a Father

Chapter 39 reflects my points the most, and at the same time, it also turns out to be one of the most controversial chapters. It surprised me that it is, but maybe I shouldn’t be considering how most people on the internet act about abuse. It’s a lovely chapter to me personally and one of my favorites.

If you need a refresher, this is the chapter the Orphanage Director died in and leaves Atsushi in an emotional frenzy about what to think and believe. I know that the underlying message of this chapter is confusing to some, but it hit me in the face point blank on how this is about facing your abuser’s death without any personal conclusion with them.

Being sent on an investigation, Atsushi, after finding out the body was the Director, is stunned and scared because he knows nothing of the director other than his cruelty. He immediately assumes the worst and that he was coming after him again. Atsushi’s thoughts against him are entirely… on purpose in the director’s intentions because we find out that he has gone through so much violence and loss himself that he’s projecting his own will onto Atsushi and making sure he’d “survive in the real world”. So he became his first figure of hate and violence earlier in his life so he’d be “prepared for what comes next”.

I know so many take the backstory for the director as a way to justify what he did to Atsushi in the narrative, but it was just to put into context why he was so cruel. Abusers are never cruel for no reason, that never makes it right, but it’s reality. Atsushi was not the only one in the orphanage who was treated badly, he was singled out by the director most likely for an ability he couldn't control because the headmaster knew he’d get the most trouble for it, and unfortunately… he was right.

Akutagawa being his informant in this chapter makes perfect sense. He can see that what the director was for Atsushi is what Dazai is for him. No matter how terrible their actions were, it’s what kept them alive for so long. It’s not pleasant to confront, is it? Atsushi agrees because when he gets the information that the Director was going to congratulate him with the flowers he was going to buy by selling the gun he had on him, he freaks out. No way the guy he was raised so long to hate, the guy who put him through so much suffering, was going to congratulate him.

I know to some, Dazai’s talk with Atsushi sounded like he was justifying what happened because “it made him a good person in the end”, but that’s not what’s being said. This conclusion I’ve seen some people come to about this conversation confuses me. Dazai is just saying the obvious, you guys get all shocked and it weirds me out how easily it’s been glossed over that the reason Atsushi is so self-sacrificial and trying to do the good thing is because of the director. The reason he puts himself so much on the front lines is because he needs that worth in being good to live and prove the director wrong, he was raised to see that type of person is the most ideal person to live in this world.

After everything that’s been dumped onto him in such a short time, so much inner conflict of what to think of a dead man he no longer can have any personal closure with, he asks Dazai what face he should make, what he should think at this moment. Dazai tells him that they’re his emotions and he can think however he’d like, but commonly someone cries when their father dies. So he cries, because ultimately no matter his treatment, no matter the intent and its effects, it’s still the man who raised him. It’s flawed, but that’s what a father is stripped bare at its core definition and that won’t change no matter your feelings.

Now that I’m done summarizing this chapter and making sure you guys understood the point and how it spells out their relationship, I can finally talk freely about what was happening between them. When it comes to familial abuse, generational trauma is so prevalent it’s hard not to talk about. The director is quite reflective of so many parents who were raised to grow up too early in harsh environments, that they think they need to prepare their children for it too, even though it’s no longer needed.

You don’t need to like someone for them to be important to you, especially if it’s a parent in your life or someone close to that. That’s why Atsushi cries. He cries for the director, he cries for himself, he cries that it’s finally over, he cries for the kindness he could’ve gotten even if it wouldn’t have fixed anything, he cries for the father that never was, he cries because his father is dead. It’s perfectly normal to keep someone close in your heart that wasn’t perfect and to grieve their death.

Was the director successful in what he was aiming for? I want to say no, but he did. He succeeded in making Atsushi think of others in a good light and do good for them, making Atsushi resent him, and giving him the ability to keep going. Hell raised him right, but it was still hell. The problem is that his teachings were based on degrading Atsushi into being nothing but a life he should put aside in favor of others. Even if he continued hating the director like he wanted, he would still degrade himself for being a coward who didn’t hold himself to those standards. The result is not perfect because the director is not perfect, but in his position, this is a success.

The director for a while was his shadow of negative encouragement when he joined the agency, what kept him going in those moments, because he was what defined good, bad, and justice for him in his entire childhood. Even if he was dead, he’d still linger in his mind. I can’t parse out what to think about these hallucinations forming Akutagawa and Dazai to guide him later on, all it tells me is that he still can’t rely on or trust himself and he needs more development in his self-image issues.

I see why fans are confused, hell raising us right is a bizarre thing to say to a victim, so let me show you a perspective you're not seeing. Let's imagine you have an abusive mother who only wants you to be prepared for the things you're undoubtedly going to experience because of what you can't control. What she did does help you, but all that goes through your head is “Why couldn't she have done it differently without my own suffering?” The only thoughts that come rushing back when you think of those memories are the unnecessary pains. It takes a lot for a victim to acknowledge this on their own, they want to push back at the past so they don't have to see this plain reality.

Like anyone else that I’m going to bring up in this post, just because the abuse made them who they are or affected who they became, even when it keeps us going through life and benefits us in some way, does not make the abuse justified. Abuse is still abuse, I addressed this already and I hope not to address this again. I needed to detail an explanation because it’s quite easy to hate a man you know nothing about and has been painted in nothing but a bad light. The anger against the director is undebatable because abuse is not debatable, but to pretend the cruelty was nothing but for cruelty’s sake is mischaracterizing both him and Atsushi.

You can’t pick and choose what’s been told to you in the text just because you don’t like a character and lack the maturity for it. It gets quite hard to do that sort of thing when it’s a character you‘ve grown to care about, it’s no wonder Dazai is divided between so many. Speaking of Dazai, his involvement in this makes as much sense as Akutagawa’s. He’s currently in a mentor position for Atsushi, no matter what Akutagawa says, and shows interest in his development. So of course he’s going to purposely stick his head into something that would affect Atsushi greatly. Both Akutagawa and Dazai are viewing this through their lenses as people who grew up in the darkness of society, and it’s not that Dazai thinks what happened to him wasn’t terrible, you should have eyes to read the panels provided, but he’s generally unfazed and able to sound neutral because he’s used to that cruelty.

The Port Mafia’s Environment

(Aka: is it really “all Mori’s fault” or is it just the product of being literally in The Mafia™?)

I’ll go over the “Cycle of Abuse” in a second, but please keep in mind that you can’t just blame everything on Mori. Just like the Director, it’s so easy to pin the guy who’s just been the worst for every problem there, but it decimates the other characters involved as well and makes what they’ve gone through go flat because you’re restricting it to a misinformed presumption.

To make a bold statement, I need you to completely throw away your idea of what the abuse cycle is. The Mori to Kyouka pipeline being the singular “Abuse Cycle”? Garbage, needs to go away too. I've seen many fans use the term “Cycle of Abuse” too carelessly, and while from afar the way they're using it is not technically wrong, they have the wrong thought process behind it.

The Cycle of Abuse is simply the patterns of what keeps us in an abusive dynamic and negative mental state, either with an individual or environment, and makes it incredibly hard for anyone to leave. It’s not the actions you take that make it the Cycle of Abuse, and it's not just one straight line of people going through similar motions. You don’t have to be someone’s abuser to be the one who keeps them there, if you feed into it you’re still a problem. Even if you don't actively add to it yourself, just staying there as a bystander and not trying to do anything to change it or speak up for the victim when you clearly could also still make you responsible. Just with your presence, it validates what they've gone through as normal.

If you need more of an explanation, two opposite examples include Higuchi & Akutagawa and Beast Kyouka & Atsushi. Higuchi is a traditional example in that she stays in the mafia because of her relationship with Akutagawa, and stays by his side for reasons unknown. What we do know is that she’s incredibly indebted to him enough to care for him to an extreme extent, but their relationship is abusive all the same. Beast Atsushi and Kyouka sounds strange for me to bring up, but this is an example of a non-abusive person contributing to the Cycle of Abuse. Instead of taking her out of an abusive situation, he brings her back in.

Many characters are a part of this main narrative of abuse in BSD, so it's not inaccurate to say Mori, Dazai, Akutagawa, and Kyouka are a part of it as well using this definition as all of them are the reason or contributed to why someone was stuck in a negative, abusive situation or the victim themselves. I’m guessing none of you are genuinely referring to this though and are referring to intergenerational abuse, a repeating cycle of younger generations taking after their abusers when they're older, which is a completely different phenomenon. Both are referred to as cycles and have many commonalities, but it’s not the same. Not to sound like a total dick, but this barely even applies to them.

Not because the concept is based on familial relationships, it can happen with older figures in your life too, but because our oh-so-famous Abuse Cycle gang does not have that commonality to make that claim. They have narrative parallels, but that’s pretty much it. I will save what I have to say in their sections, but Mori and Akutagawa did not abuse Dazai and Kyouka respectively for this type of claim to have any legitimacy. Kyouka certainly broke a cycle, but not that kind since that would need her to continue it in the first place and then prevent her own experiences from even affecting the next child.

What do all Mori, Dazai, Akutagawa, and Kyouka actually have in common? They are/were in the mafia, using their natural talents of cruelty for the underworld.

The Port Mafia resembles something of an abusive household or community that sees so much of what’s done to others there as normal, and constantly compares it to how it was with their old boss and thinks, “At least it wasn’t as bad as that.” It’s quite like the Orphanage Director’s thinking but on a larger scale. Does that make everyone in the Port Mafia abused? Nope, unlike most abusive communities, the Port Mafia is quite literally the mafia. Everyone is there for different reasons, at different ages, and different experiences. Everyone is taken advantage of in these situations, no matter the circumstances, but it doesn’t make them abused automatically.

So it’s hard to have a stance on anything about them being abusive other than the mentor situations in the Port Mafia don’t see abuse as abuse and just another way to teach their subordinates to survive in their world if they deem it necessary. Was Chuuya abused, either by Mori or Kouyou then? I’m going to have to say I can’t tell you that. We don’t have enough information on either of his dynamics with them to say that they’ve directly had any repetitive behaviors of direct harm against him specifically, and there's no reason for them to do so either. I’m not going to use the argument that “Chuuya doesn’t hate or fear them, so that must mean he wasn’t” because again, that type of response does not reflect so many situations.

Chuuya was still harmed by being in the Port Mafia as a teenager because nobody should have been surrounded by this much cruelty at that age. It doesn’t matter if he shows visible distress or not about the Port Mafia, he was just desensitized to it since his sheep days. So was he an abuse victim under the idea that being a child in the Port Mafia is abuse? That depends on who we’re speaking of, but in Chuuya’s situation, I'm going to have to say no as he's already internalized their mindset from his own experiences separate from the mafia. Keep in mind that it also still holds true that you can find family in situations like this, it’s not mutually exclusive. Some just find more comfort in what they’re used to than what would be better for them. Kyouka is a better example of someone being a victim of an abusive community.

A false claim I've seen made many times are the ones where they have it as if Mori is the mafia itself or that he made the mafia what it was. It shouldn’t be too surprising, but it’s the opposite. Mori already held flawed, heartless, calculative methods when in situations he thought required them. We’ve seen him as a soldier and an underground doctor, but we know nothing else about him outside of his cruelty, just like the headmaster. What he does is never for what he thinks is for his benefit, but for the sake of something larger. Whether it’s for the city, the country, or eventually, the Port Mafia.

The mafia is the first time he’s been put into a position of absolute leadership and is not yet accustomed to that at the beginning of Dazai, Chuuya, Age Fifteen. He’s able to quickly fit the mold of a mafia boss, but there’s that bit of honesty that peaks through in this light novel in the first and last sections that’s ignored too quickly. First Mori complains about nothing going immediately right, questions himself about Dazai, and becomes genuinely stressed if it was the right decision to involve him, then confesses that he sees himself in Dazai to him (and him and Fukuzawa in Soukoku in private), and finally gives his honest take of leadership to Chuuya.

I already go over Mori as a character in one of my other posts and will speak more of him later on, so I don’t want to reiterate the same points, but here we have proof he has (albeit poor) humanity. He did not become the Port Mafia boss for his own selfish gain of power if you’ve forgotten, but because Natsume introduced him to becoming part of the Tripartite Framework to protect the city he loves, it’s where he’d excel best in this plan. The Port Mafia was already a shithole, Mori just made it livable again by becoming what an organized crime group needs.

It’s what makes the dynamic between Kouyou and him so intriguing because you have an abuse victim who has embraced the environment she was forced back into, but won’t let go of someone who’s proven to be more of a decent leader than her tormentor and can be relied on. For victims who couldn’t get help or realize they needed help, the easier path is to accept this is your life through some justification. While I said the Port Mafia resembles an abusive community, communities as such aren’t purely terrible and that’s what keeps them justifying it in their head. The family you have for yourself, whether it's a made one or the one you're born with, is what sticks for you.

Like it or not, Mori isn’t stupid. He takes risky gambles that backfire on him sometimes, but he’s good at his job. He’s brutal enough to prove his own against the people who didn’t think he should’ve been boss and outsiders who want to go against the Port Mafia, but he’s considerate enough towards his people and shows enough competency to be perfect for the job. He’s not a great human being, but what did you expect? He no longer had any room to express that humanity, he never had; there was no benefit from being a good person in his line of work.

The Heartless Cur

That looked like a great segue to talk about Dazai and Mori’s dynamic, but it’d benefit to go over Akutagawa first. For those who do acknowledge it as an abusive situation, Thank you for at least taking that step. Numerous don’t and it worries me at the state of what’s considered abuse vs. training. It may be both at times but don't excuse one for the other. Training needs formal consent and communication at some point during a session. Akutagawa is learning, but it’s the same as getting yelled at as a child for not doing your homework right, when again, you’re still just learning.

It might’ve been easier to see for those who do acknowledge it because of the visible physical abuse that happens, but let's not undermine the psychological abuse happening as well. Dazai has messed with his psyche on an abhorrent level through his degrading and threats, making him reliant to hear a single word of acknowledgment from his mouth. What happened to Akutagawa is beyond the mafia’s environment.

Akutagawa does not hate or want Dazai dead for what he’s done to him, but he does hold anger at the seeming abandonment he’s been put through… and at himself as well. Anger that he couldn't get to what Dazai wanted him to be before he suddenly left. So he proves himself by climbing the ranks and becoming someone feared. Spectacles of violence not because he enjoys the feeling of other’s suffering or the power over them, but to show Dazai that see? He's still worth looking at!

He stays in the mafia because he’s found a place there. Even if he could, there was no point in leaving the mafia after he disappeared because what would be left for him if he did? He will always be an unchangeable, horrific hound of the dark and there's no changing that in his mind. From an inference of his actions in the dungeon when they finally reunite one-on-one, he wanted to believe that he was above Dazai after all those years, but Dazai doesn't act impressed or scared or anything. After all that effort, he gets nothing but ridicule and mockery like he's back to being that little kid with an oversized coat too big for his body.

Worse is that he gets told that some new kid Dazai picked up, who didn't train to the extent he did to refine his abilities, is better than him somehow. He gets riled up and at first, takes out on Dazai, but all those threats about killing him and how he went against the mafia were empty. Even now he can't bring himself to hate Dazai, he needs his mentor to acknowledge him no matter what side he's on. He never let go of Dazai, his coat is proof enough of that. So he takes it out on the party that isn't responsible and is convinced he needs to overcome Atsushi to prove something to Dazai.

He doesn't hate Atsushi, not genuinely. He does the same when he’s told he’ll never compare to Odasaku, someone who objectively should’ve been the weakest member due to his status. He gets angry at Dazai’s words, gets angry at himself, then takes it out on the person mentioned, rinse and repeat. I’m not sure if I’m the only one to notice, but he genuinely believed that the meaningful life Dazai gave him laid in the mafia and being useful to its cause. He has no reason to be as loyal to the mafia if he didn't think this.

Dazai’s acknowledgment means more than just appreciation for his skills and strength, it means his life meant something by striving for being the strongest. It’s not about the acknowledgment at all. Whenever he critiques and shames Atsushi for how he lives his life, it just feels like he’s unknowingly shaming himself through him without having to acknowledge his wrongs. It makes me curious about how much the acknowledgment itself even matters to him and the validation it gives him to strive for this is an excuse to keep living so what he’s doing in the mafia even matters in the end. What counts as acknowledgment to him?

He's convinced his faults are what made Dazai turn away, he just doesn’t know how to do anything to fix it and can't fix it this late into the game. What does Dazai want from him other than being stronger? When Dazai directly asks him to do something important involving Atsushi, he’s confused. He has no reason to trust him to do these missions. He’ll take the chance to prove himself once and for all, but to be included means he's being acknowledged, so what gives? The number of times he visibly self-reflects can be counted on one hand because as soon as it shows, he goes back to justify his violence and ignores his faults.

As someone whose favorite character is Akutagawa, I’m disgusted that all people can take away from him is “Akutagawa is an obsessive fanboy that deserves no sympathy because of what he did to Kyouka” or “Akutagawa is a poor, miserable man that didn’t deserve what Dazai made him into and should be absolved of responsibility because it’s all Dazai’s fault”. Both are very shallow and very harmful to perpetrate as they continue the idea that a person can only be the abused or abuser. He's both and it's okay to admit that.

Quickly let’s clear up this: He is not the way he is because of Dazai.

What Dazai IS responsible for:

Akutagawa’s need for his constant approval and recognition

Akutagawa learning to hone his ability

Akutagawa’s toxic views of being useful

The reason Akutagawa’s still alive

The reason Akutagawa is the Mafia’s dog

What Dazai is NOT responsible for:

Everything else

Akutagawa’s lean toward violence, his one-track stubborn mindset, and his lone-wolf attitude are not a product of Dazai’s treatment, he’s always been that way because of his time in the slums. He got beaten down by adults frightened of his empty gaze, had to learn to protect himself and find something to eat to survive, helped take care of his sister Gin and his friends by himself, and everyone constantly dying around him. That’s the real reason his personality is like that. He is a victim of his circumstances in a society that deemed him worthless, so he also thinks of his life as worthless. That’s why Dazai means so much to him.

Dazai did not trick him into joining the mafia, Dazai expressed what he was going to go through was worse than what happened in the slums and gave Akutagawa an out that he could live a normal life with enough money, but he knew Akutagawa would not refuse because he still needed meaning in living, just like him. Gaining enough money to get by so he and his sister could get out of the slums would do nothing for him, he already felt that his life was worthless. He has no problem throwing it away at any time, he was gonna die young regardless because of his lung disease. It has manipulative undertones, but that's how Dazai usually is with even the people he cares about.

Akutagawa knows too well that a person needs a sign, someone to tell them it’s okay to keep going, and so does Dazai. Part of Dazai’s goal is to save Akutagawa from dying and give him a reason to live like he promised that day because he sees the potential that could come from his development. I don't want to sound like a dick again, but you’d have to be dense to think Akutagawa would still be dead by the end of this arc. He isn’t sending him off to his death, Dazai doesn’t know everything.

Even if he knew Akutagawa might die there, it's better than both Atsushi and Akutagawa dying at that moment. If Akutagawa didn’t want to die for him, he wouldn’t have, he chose to save Atsushi’s life. This is why I have to defend Asagiri. Let’s reread the interview together, to make it get across already.

(Twt link)

Q: Just like how Akutagawa and Atsushi's relationship has changed, I could feel the relationship between Dazai and Akutagawa moving forward too. Is it like what Akutagawa has said in Episode 3 of Season 5, that every order he has received from Dazai so far has been "a trial", "a part of a meaningfull life"?

First, the question being asked. They’re asking Asagiri about their relationship in the present, and how it’s developed. Akutagawa is no longer thinking he was abandoned by Dazai for a new, better student like he was made him believe, that was just to rile him up and interact with Atsushi more. Instead, he realizes that he’s not supposed to work against Atsushi, he’s supposed to work with him. How he decides to go about that battle with Fukuchi and whether or not he works with Atsushi like a partner is his trial. If this was Akutagawa before he met Atsushi, he would’ve no doubt escaped or might’ve thought defeating Fukuchi would prove himself to Dazai. He's not an obstacle to his meaningful life, his quest for a meaningful life lies with Atsushi.

Asagiri responds with:

Asagiri: Needless to say, Dazai is the most qualified person in this world to help Akutagawa grow. Dazai has a vision for Akutagawa's development, and he completely understands what it takes to achieve it. We, as obsevers, can only see bits and pieces of that vision. But I can at least say that Dazai's training plan has never been wrong.

Many find this answer questionable, I was stunned reading it myself. Asagiri is not wrong at all here though, Dazai is objectively the only person in this series who can find a way to help him. Atsushi is the endpoint, but Dazai has been guiding him to this point. Dazai himself said that he was planning to team them up the moment he met Atsushi, he was still thinking of him even after all these years. There are much scarier implications than thinking that Asagiri was wrong. It's that Dazai was doing everything intentionally to get Akutagawa’s mindset where it was. He didn't mess up with Akutagawa, he just couldn't personally teach him the skills he needed and chose a different route until he found something that could.

Asagiri is not saying the abuse was morally justified, but the intention behind it was not wrong in an objective stance. Dazai would know what to do the most because of his understanding of wanting to find meaning in living. Teenage Dazai couldn’t have achieved much by himself, even if he could understand since he also could not find meaning in life. That’s why he made him hang on to his every breath of validation so he would keep his faith in Dazai long enough for him to find a solution to this dilemma. The moment in life when he found Akutagawa was not ideal and he still did what he thought he had to do for him to survive in the mafia. Without his ability, he's incredibly weak and needs to be able to defend himself. A violent person could not have made another violent person unlearn their violence.

You could say he just wanted a weapon, but that’s not it, not even close. Many of you are stuck on the part that it was a suicidal teenager that picked Akutagawa up from the slums and that no way someone like that could teach another suicidal teenager anything, so it’s “comical that Asagiri thinks as though he’s the most qualified”. You’re not wrong in some sense, but this is still incredibly intelligent, “Black Wrath of the Port Mafia”, Osamu Dazai, and not just some suicidal teenager.

He’s also no longer a teenager. Right now we’re talking of Dazai in the present who’s grown and no longer needs to be how he was in the mafia, he has Atsushi now, someone who can help Akutagawa see what’s wrong in his outlook. The only thing he could’ve done back then was to shelter Akutagawa so he wouldn’t kill himself. It's horrible, but Dazai validating where he is now would do no good for either of them and fix nothing.

Q: What kind of person is Dazai to Akutagawa?

Asagiri: Actually, at the time of "The Dark Era", Dazai already spoke very highly of Akutagawa, as someone who would "become the Mafia's strongest skill user in the not-so-distant future". He just doesn't say that in front of Akutagawa himself. The reason he doesn't say it is that Dazai has to be "the presence that continues to give meaning to life" to Akutagawa. So far, that trial has been completely successful.

None of what Asagiri brings up is new information. He doesn’t say it in front of Akutagawa not to spite him, but if he gives these praises out too freely, he loses his distant, almost god-like presence in Akutagawa and will go back to being just a lone wolf with no exceptions that will carelessly get himself killed. Without any goal, he’s lost. Just like Atsushi and the headmaster and how Atsushi hinges on proving he can do a good thing to motivate his life, Akutagawa similarly hinges on the fact that if he fails, he won’t get Dazai’s approval.

However, his death was not fully about Dazai’s approval in the way he's been preaching. In chapter 87, he mentions Dazai’s approval like always, and when they fail the first time even after trusting and working with each other as Shin Soukoku should, It hits him. What came into his head I cannot parse out at the moment, but his actions speak so much louder than any explanation we could've gotten. Of course, he's helping Atsushi escape, but what does he do for that? He used his ability on his shirt, and not just on the coat like he typically does.

It doesn't seem like a big deal at first, he could've always done that, but when was the last time he used it on something that wasn't the coat Dazai gave him? The coat means many things. His new beginning, his path in being Dazai’s student and successor (as that was also Mori’s coat), but it also conveys Dazai’s will that keeps him alive and that he's only strong with his coat. Without it, he's defenseless, so he clings to this coat the exact way he clings to those orders. It's his encouragement to keep going when Dazai isn't there. This overwhelming, suffocating responsibility, an oversized coat, is a lot to give to a kid but it's comfortable and he’ll grow into it eventually.

It was already a huge step in his development that he gave Atsushi his coat, but to use his ability not on his coat means he's making an effort to overcome his fixation and do an action unrelated to Dazai for the sake of Atsushi’s life. His whole life after the slums, everything he's ever done was with Dazai in mind. Him saving Atsushi’s life was not because he was doing what Dazai wanted him to do, that he'd finally get approval for doing It, and in turn give his life meaning before he died. When he saved Atsushi, it would give his life meaning in just that. He shouldn't let himself be defined by the past the way he criticizes Atsushi for, so he’s going to choose his meaning. I wouldn't say he's moved past Dazai yet, but he's getting there.

Dazai and Akutagawa’s relationship is not healthy in the slightest, and Dazai’s crueler actions and words against him are not right, but they’re still growing and not stagnant characters. Atsushi and Akutagawa learn from each other and that's what's pushing them to change. Nobody will pretend those past means weren’t just abuse, they were, but there's so much more to it. Like I asked with the director, was he successful? Well from what I’ve said, yes it so far has gone the way Dazai hoped for in the best-case scenario.

In the main universe at least, this is one of the better ways it could’ve gone. Beast is a different story. Teenage Dazai of the main universe was unsure of Akutagawa’s future and did only what he could’ve done at that time, but Beast Dazai does have that knowledge and he decided that it would be best for Akutagawa to not be in the mafia, instead bringing in Atsushi. It wouldn’t have been good to let him pursue his violent tendencies more than necessary in the mafia in this universe when he knew there was a better option, especially with someone like Oda, who would take the time to care for him properly.

Even if he didn’t bring him in, he still gave him the motivation to keep living for something. The prologue of Beast is a mirror to The Heartless Cur, with instead it’s a distant relationship of hate Akutagawa has for him for taking his sister. For those who argue that since Beast exists, that means Asagiri was somehow “wrong about Dazai”, but it’s still Dazai from the beginning that’s the source of this motivation. Dazai, who's still guiding him. If we’re gonna be honest, Dazai was putting their development/capabilities in speed run mode with the logic and future information he had access to prepare them for a timeline he won’t be alive for. There are many factors for what he did in Besst, but that’s not the conversation.

What does he get from helping him? Who knows, Asagiri wasn’t being cheeky when he said we only see bits and pieces of his vision. We barely have any clue what’s going through that man’s head, so don’t act like you do. He wasn’t always planning for the next Soukoku. Maybe it was a thought that came up sometimes, but he’s only met Atsushi recently. What about Akutagawa was so different from any other powerful ability-wielding orphan? Well, we’re not gonna know any time soon.

The point is that Dazai is thinking about their future, even if the abuse or manipulation makes that hard to see. Please do remember that abuse is still selfish no matter the intention, but non-selfish intentions make it all the more complicated to process. Their relationship is not misunderstood by Asagiri himself, it’s just clear to me most don’t want to face the unpleasant truth that there is more to their dynamic. When I first realized what was going on, I couldn’t help but get unnerved and awkward when someone would ask me about these two. These are both characters in the spotlight that you’re supposed to care about, but what happened between them is rotten.

You’re not supposed to pretend it didn’t happen because Dazai still contributed to who he is and it shows whenever it’s on screen. Abuse doesn’t make us stronger, don’t make it as if that’s a message that Asagiri is spreading. What happened to him motivated his development, but with Atsushi, that’s the opposite. Their circumstances are different and victims process what's happened to them in various ways. Depicting it in a form less common than usual doesn't mean the author thinks in the same way the victim does, it's just nuance at work.

I did not add Akutagawa’s attitude towards his subordinates and newer members as Dazai’s responsibility because Dazai is not the one controlling his hands when he hits Higuchi. Dazai’s mentoring contributed to his toxic views of being useful, but it’s only Akutagawa’s responsibility once he raises his hand. Instead of thinking of this in the context of the most typical abusive situation you can think of, how about this:

Your parent was raised in an abusive household, but they think they came out of it just fine and that there was nothing wrong with how they were treated. They treat you almost the same way, and all you can take away from that when you find out is, “At least it’s not as bad as it could’ve been”. You still hold anger at the standards they’re forcing you to reach, but if that’s what it takes to get that approval, then you’ll keep going anyway. Even if you get yelled at and you know you shouldn’t be treated like this, it’ll feel nice when you finally get on their good graces, right?

Then you get a new sibling, and all of that comes crumbling down. They don’t treat your sibling anywhere near the same when you were that age. Years go by and you get angrier and angrier. Why is it only you that was put to that standard? Even worse is that they treat you differently now too. You finally got to those standards, but now what is it worth? They’re so much nicer now and you want to curse them out for only changing now. Why couldn’t have had that parent from the beginning? It’s so unfair, but you can’t take it out on them because you still need them, they mean so much to you. As angry as you were, they were doing it because they cared about you in their way, you think. It was what your grandparents did to them at least. So you start treating your sibling similarly to how you were treated because you can’t take it that they didn’t experience that hardship without destroying yourself first.

Question: Are you right in what you did? Was the parent responsible for what you did to your sibling?

Nobody in their right mind would say yes to that first question. It makes sense why it happened, but continuing abuse will never be the correct answer. You’re doing the same thing your parent did. The second question needs more exposition to answer, however. How responsible is responsible?

In the end, even if it was the parent who influenced it, you’re only responsible for what you’ve done on your own accord. The parent did not tell you to take it out on your sibling, you decided that yourself. The parent is still responsible for what they’ve done to you, never get that wrong, but if you say that your guilt is absolved because it’s all their fault, you sound no different from any other abuser in denial. Are you saying now that the parent is also absolved from guilt because it’s all their parent’s fault too? Listen to yourself, You hurt someone but it’s not your fault, but the person who hurt you is also somehow not at fault? If someone came up to you and said that, you’d be fed up.

For those who do the same thing with Mori, rethink what you’re saying. Is it that painful to admit your favorite characters are at fault and that they’re changing? This comparison isn’t perfect and ignores some key factors: Dazai isn’t Akutagawa’s or Atsushi’s father and is not much older than them, the Port Mafia is a violent workplace environment and requires you to be able to navigate it a certain way, and all three of them at adults in present time. I used this comparison to be more real to earth and something a larger audience could process themselves to truly get that the emotions here are not straightforward even in a realistic situation.

Re: Portrait of a Father

Just like the prologue, in chapter 3 of the Beast light novel, Portrait of a Father is mirrored and retold in brutal upset that does not hold the hopeful bittersweetness at the end of it unlike its original. Before the present day, against all orders Dazai gave him, Atsushi attacked the orphanage on the day of his birthday. On his birthday, he would be reborn from the ashes of his past being burnt away, and kill the director inside to release himself from the fear of those memories.

It’s what he says at least.

Playing out, the director was expecting him. There might have only been one person in his mind who would’ve attacked a rundown orphanage on this scale. It frightens Atsushi after all that planning and fear of losing to the director, he could still see through him, but confusion takes hold when he’s told that he was late for his graduation.

Graduation? Atsushi is in fight or flight mode, why is he approaching him with this box? He can’t imagine it being anything other than a weapon, nothing else would make sense for this cruel monster. The director won’t give him any straight answer, just repeating words he’s heard over and over growing up here. He uses his tiger hearing to glean what could be inside.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

There’s the proof, it had to be a bomb. He needs to protect himself before anything happens or he’ll die. He’s scared, he can’t move, but he has to fight. The director opens his arms for the embrace of his child… and death, plummeted into a bloody mess on the floor. Only out of the corner of his eye, only when Atsushi stopped, he saw what was in the box. It was a watch, brand new and high-end. Happy Birthday was what was written on a sheet of paper next to it.

His last words, whispered into his ear, were words of encouragement: “Yes… just like that.”

I was not kidding when I said this was brutal. Just like in the main universe, Atsushi learns why he did what he did and can’t place any of his feelings, but overwhelmingly guilt crushes him to keep protecting people with his life rather than just fear because he killed him. He finds out much earlier about what happened with Shibusawa, and how the director protected his identity as the tiger.

The director’s intentions are draining when you let your mind wander. As we’ve established, the headmaster as a figure of hate for Atsushi is intentional on his part. He doesn’t explain anything on purpose here to probe him into killing him. He bought that watch for Atsushi as a congratulations for growing up and becoming a new independent individual.

In the split minute before Atsushi took the first swing, he said his usual, “Those who fail to protect others do not deserve to live.” I have to question now if he was so willing to die there, even encouraging him to kill him, then has it been this whole time he still can’t live with himself for what happened to his friends… or is it because he couldn’t protect Atsushi anymore? Maybe I’m overthinking it and it was just that the headmaster thought Atsushi needed to kill him to remove an obstacle in his growth as an individual, to be a necessary sacrifice for his benefit.

It's too flawed though. The director will never leave him, not after all that he's engraved into Atsushi. The watch has become not a symbol of a person who's found himself, but a child that's latched himself onto his father's cold corpse that won't ever respond, but that child would do anything to have him wake up and say "Good job, Atsushi". The director also has a clock, but can he call himself a strong individual when he hasn't let go of the past either?

Time stopped for Beast Atsushi when he picked up that watch. If he had just followed orders, none of this would’ve happened. If he isn’t his father’s child, if he doesn’t uphold his last wish, then who is he? When he’s no longer in the mafia and has time for himself to think, he wanders.

He failed in becoming someone he could be proud of, he deserved to die for that but doesn't want to be dead… because It wasn't truly about the Director, just like how it wasn't truly about Dazai’s acknowledgment or saving his sister for Akutagawa. At first, that was the motivation, it's the reasoning they keep going with, but in the end, it was to save their own life and give it purpose to validate why they're still around. If they can die like this, then it's all the same. If they have their own life in someone else’s hands, then they no longer have to be responsible for their own heavy-hearted weight.

Beast Atsushi is given neither and is taken of his reasoning, but he keeps going. Aimlessly.

Luckily, it’s not where his story ends.

He wakes up in his old orphanage, and it’s no longer the dreary place it was when he was younger. Kids laughing outside, no chains on the walls or bars blocking off the windows, and the new Orphanage Director greets him. He tells him that he will go back to being a student of the orphanage until he can become independent again, under one of Dazai’s last requests before he died.

Still, there’s one thing he needs to do. The new director takes out the watch and tells him to break it. Atsushi is distraught by this notion, but he won’t let Atsushi leave if he doesn’t. The new director has good reason, there is no point in becoming someone the past director was proud of and this is what’s holding him back. Atsushi, eventually, tells him he will not break the watch. He can’t move on just yet and this watch is still proof he’s himself, yet…

He’ll keep going and move forward, just like Akutagawa told him after he spared his life. The new director finds those words to be enough, saying he can’t leave until he finds something else to define himself with, but he can keep living here as his son. He went there to burn away his past and came out of it not able to let go of the past, but now he can redo and process it healthily with someone willing to hold him like a father should.

The Man Who Raised Dazai

Everyone who’s read Beast has questioned it: Why did Dazai in his right mind have Mori take care of an orphanage? Why did he save his life? Better yet, why is he so nice?! I have come up with some speculation on why Dazai would.

“Beast Dazai recognized this potential of change either from the multitude of universes he was able to witness or recognized it in his own considering canonverse Dazai never does anything against Mori (even if he visibly dislikes him).”

“Possibility is one thing, the why is another. It was either that he saw potential and good that could come out of this in the long run, Mori’s intelligence and expertise still proves usefulness, less dangerous for Oda in the long run if he let Mori stay there instead of the Mafia, or all three.”

(Didn’t feel like rephrase them)

We can’t know anything for sure about his decision, but I do know Mori is the type of character to sacrifice his feelings for what he thinks would logically benefit the sum, and there’s no better way to release yourself from that too-calculative responsibility than to remove yourself from it and to be in a place where you’re allowed to care for others and express yourself when there is no greater purpose than to just grow.

What happened with Yosano is undoubtedly wrong, but Mori had put away any sympathy in those situations because he needed her to do what he brought her in for. I was confused by his declaration that violence should never be used to educate children when I read it, especially out of his mouth, but now I understand. He would know with certainty that it’s not the right way to educate children, particularly because this is a Mori that hasn’t been in the dark for these past years and has grown to care for these children at the orphanage without any greater intention for them.

He’s not like the Old Director because he has no reason to think these kids would end up the way he did. They’re just kids that need someone to raise them with kindness, kindness will be what gets them through life as functional adults. Abuse has too many drawbacks to be called an optimal solution here. Is it surprising that all it took to change Mori was the kindness and salvation Dazai offered to him when he took over? Can you believe it was that simple to treat someone like a human being instead of a figure of hate?

What sticks out to me like a sore thumb is that when he’s introduced in Beast, he’s referred to as the man who raised Dazai. He is, regardless of what you think, the closest thing Dazai has to a father figure. In regards to how the fanbase speaks of their relationship, it’s hard to think that he cared about Dazai, but he did and the extent of how bad it got between them is grossly exaggerated.

As many comparisons Dazai gets with Yosano, their relationship with Mori is very different. Unlike Yosano, he did not need to be forced to do anything with psychological abuse and he did not need to be torn down to do what Mori asked him to. We don’t know what happened to him to become like this, but it wasn’t because of Mori. Yosano had light in her and a motivation to do the right thing, but Dazai didn’t. Dazai is no stranger to any violence or using violence himself even before Mori if he's this desensitized.

It’s useful that Dazai is like that when he meets him, up until it isn’t. He’s moody and actively looking to die. Mori can’t predict him that easily and Dazai can see right through him. There’s another huge difference between them though: Mori sees himself in Dazai. We don’t have enough insight in his head to make conclusive statements, but I think this is why he cared for Dazai. It’s not because he saw a child struggling that he cared, but grew some fondness because he saw a little mini-him. When he drove Dazai out of the Port Mafia, he expected him to come back and take back his vacant seat.

Eventually, Dazai will come back and realize that petty anger about someone dying is illogical in somewhere like the mafia. But because of him not being able to see through Dazai and seeing himself in him, he also expected him to eventually usurp his seat if he stayed any longer. That is why he had invited Mimic at the time he did and manipulated the situation so Oda, someone he knew Dazai cared for, would go and take care of the situation flawlessly. He’d be sacrificed and Mori could get something out of it, a Skilled Business Permit. A perfect plan… in theory, but Mori was wrong and miscalculated on many levels because of how many assumptions he made about Dazai.

First, he wouldn’t have known that it was Oda who held the words that would convince him to leave the mafia and go into the world of light. Dazai will never come back to his own volition. Second, as those panels quite literally tell you, Dazai was never planning on killing him. He saw his place in the mafia and saw that he was needed there. When Mori finally realizes his mistake with Dazai 4 years later during the Guild Arc, he can’t go back. His plan was still perfectly sound and he still got what he wanted out of it. He shouldn’t regret it, but…

Now that’s been paved out, where does wanting to save Dazai fit into this? If I had to assume, it’s the same reason he didn’t shoot Dazai for leaving his office during Dark Era. He cared about that boy, for 4 whole years he left him and his seat alone when the logical thing he should be doing was replacing him, but as much as he might’ve cared, he needed to put the mafia first. He didn’t let him die because of his use, but also because of their so-called “common destiny” in his eyes, a diamond in a rough he might’ve disposed of otherwise if he didn’t see his potential. There’s not much he could’ve done for Dazai here except keep him healthy and alive. Mori gets tons of flack for not trying to help him, but there's nothing he could've done, not in their position.

He can't cultivate his potential if there is abuse involved because there is no logical reason for him to do anything to Dazai. You guys have to stop assuming the worst when it comes to Mori, you’re missing huge character details that are right in front of you. The difference between Mori, the Boss of the Port Mafia, and Mori, the Orphanage Director is that he had time to rekindle his humanity so he’s able to care about him like a normal human being, feel guilt, and admit regret after Beast Dazai has died. Mori at most was responsible for ingraining tactical strategies and theories and molding him into the perfect Mafioso and right-hand man.

Not to say any of those aren’t a bad thing. He’s still a child and having him use his desensitized, intelligent mind to build the potential in what he could do for the mafia, it’s just that he’s responsible for very little in Dazai’s personality. The only answer I could give about Dazai being abused by Mori or being abused under the credentials that he’s a child in a violent, unsafe place is the same answer given earlier for Chuuya: in his case, not really.

Regarding this, I retract my statement about anything I’ve said about Beast Atsushi not being a victim in his time in the mafia, but I still hold my stance that he’s not the victim of the port mafia. I want to say the same thing about Beast Dazai and Atsushi that I do here, but considering he picked him up and trained him like how he trained Akutagawa, there’s a great chance Dazai emotionally abused him when you read their interactions. Not physically as that would make him too much like the headmaster, but just enough emotional distress in bringing up traumatic moments to manipulate him into doing what he needs of him.

It’s not a good relationship, but Mori wasn’t targeting Dazai in any real way like the Director and Atsushi or Dazai and Akutagawa. Unlike every other section, I have to conclude that he didn’t do anything to Dazai in that regard other than treating him like another adult when he shouldn't have. I don’t have much to say negatively about their dynamic otherwise. Just a weird, terrible son with his weird, terrible father. It’s more like someone who's taking after their mentor’s teaching and methods rather than an abuse victim echoing their abuser. This is why I don't accept the “Cycle of Abuse” as how the fandom understands it. It tells me a lot that people resort to the blame game.

I wonder what Dazai and Mori’s relationship would've looked like without any of this in the middle. Maybe something in cadence with Ranpo and Fukuzawa, but I can't help thinking that accepting Atsushi as his son in Beast instead of a student wasn't just for Atsushi’s sake. He was about to call him his student too, but immediately changed his mind. He already admitted he was helping him because of what happened to Dazai, so it can’t be a huge jump to think that in the same way this is Atsushi’s redo in building a relationship with a father figure, this is Mori’s redo to give him some atonement for the boy he failed.

A Mother’s Love

Kyouka, when we first meet her, appears as a force to be reckoned with. With skills a young girl shouldn’t have, and a demon shadowing behind, she’s a terrifying opponent. Quickly though, that appearance falls short in tragedy when the bomb Atsushi’s after is found on her own body and when he asks if she truly wants to kill... She has no answer, but her actions speak clearly. She gives him the defuser because she doesn’t want any more people to die, but the man behind the phone will not let it defuse.

So Kyouka does the next best thing to save more from dying: falling off the train with the bomb that’s about to go off. As long as she dies with it, nobody can use her and her abilities to massacre the people on the train when the bomb eventually fails to do what is necessary. Because that’s when Atsushi realizes that she cannot control her ability herself. No matter what she genuinely wants, she will never have the ability to obtain it because of this one fact. She can only be what people tell her she is.

We all know this story well, she gets saved by Atsushi and the man behind the phone is Akutagawa. Atsushi offers her the same kindness Dazai extended to him regardless of his reputation and destruction because it’d only be the right thing to do. He knows her incoming fate of eventual death for her crimes, he can’t do much, but she should at least experience normalcy this one time.

When she’s about to turn herself in, Akutagawa stops her and tells her she did her job well as a decoy for him to capture Atsushi. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there’s a peculiar oddness about Akutagawa here in his attitude towards Kyouka. In all logic, even though she is a strong tool to the mafia, she’s a low-level member, a disobedient one at that, and should’ve been killed on sight for her betrayal considering how quick he is to violence, but he talks as if nothing even happened. He brushes off any thought of her dying as she’s spouting nonsense and that she’s going to go back to the mafia as normal.

But then he spouts off about how she’s better off dead on the ship if she stops killing. What’s up with that? It’s not completely obvious at first, but he’s projecting his own experiences in the slums and beliefs formed from Dazai’s mentoring onto her. From his time when he wasn’t in the mafia, he tells her there’s nothing left out there for people like them, there’s only rock bottom. He can confidently say that there is nowhere that would accept her for her ability, demon snow, because it’s the same for him.

The only way her life can have value is to kill to be useful, just like any good mafia member. It’s exactly why that flashback with Dazai happens here. He’s the one who fed him these thoughts he’s lived with for these past 6 years, and what she’s been believing for 6 months. He doesn’t loathe her, he sees it as doing a favor for her. What else can a little girl who can kill be use of except to kill in her circumstances?

Contrary to popular belief, he is not her abuser and is not the same thing Dazai was to him. He neither trained her nor did we have information on their relationship to come to that conclusion. The only thing we know is that he was the one sent to pick her up by the Port Mafia. We can prove she is not the way she is because Akutagawa since Beast, well, exists. She is one of the few characters I can confidently say was a victim of the Port Mafia itself and not just a person of the Port Mafia specifically.

Akutagawa was trying to be what Dazai was to him, but he is selling a bastardized version of it to her. The person who was her Dazai was Atsushi, the same person who was given Dazai’s act of kindness. Someone who has experienced the same things Akutagawa has and is living proof that she can hope for something better.

He could see that the same revenge and lack of regard for her life in her eye was the same kind he met Dazai with. Despite that, these lessons he’s internalized have helped no one, not even himself. She can’t find meaning in something that is the root cause of her suicidal ideation. This life is unfulfilling for people like them who need meaning in life. Akutagawa doesn't realize this because he still has Dazai to be his motivational goal. That’s why he failed to help Kyouka, Dazai’s efforts would’ve been considered an utmost failure too if he wasn’t actively trying to fix that misunderstanding. Kindness is what actively saves us and helps us grow, the harm in abusive environments will only stunt us. But what happens when kindness is offered to us, but nothing comes out of it except proving us right that we’re unsavable? Then you have Kouyou.

Kouyou is the second person I could say was a victim of the Port Mafia. She has the same belief Akutagawa had about people like them being unable to be saved, so the only thing they can do is embrace it. I can’t claim she was Kyouka’s abuser either as we again don’t know enough, but that doesn’t change that her behavior is emotionally abusive, and is a much better contender than he is.

She’s doing the same thing Akutagawa was doing himself. Seeing themselves in this child and doing what she “needs” instead of what she wants. Just like him, she views this as saving her from the hands of light that will never make room for them and will ignore everything else she says. When Akutagawa is faced with her “disillusionment”, he… accepts it when she refuses his will and chooses another path, but almost kills her to spare her from that decision that would “doom” her.

Kouyou is much less accepting, opting to kill the root source of this hope itself, Atsushi, because her fondness for Kyouka prevents her from leaving her for dead. In contrast to Akutagawa’s attempt at being what gives her life meaning, Kouyou wants to stop Atsushi from being like the same man who also gave her hope that they could escape to the world of light. She can’t bear to see Kyouka go through the same realization she did far too late.

I can see what you're thinking, why am I reluctant to call either of them Kyouka’s abuser? Even if Akutagawa doesn't count, shouldn't Kouyou count because she seems to have an actual relationship with her and her effects are prevalent in Beast, the same points I mentioned to debunk accusations against him? Sure actually, but think about it like this. What the Port Mafia does have in common with real situations is that this is a community that is full of victims who refuse to process their traumatic experiences for any reason, and bring down others to their level when they don’t fit in their narrative to justify what’s happened to them.

There isn’t just one abuser weighing over you, there's this collective pressure from so many who aren't your abuser but they still contribute to your abuse with their presence itself. If Dazai wasn’t there in the mafia, would Akutagawa's situation have changed? Yes. Now if Akutagawa or Kouyou weren’t in the mafia, would Kyouka's situation have changed? Not at all. She’d have fewer examples to refer to, but she’d still be abused. If it’s easier to imagine, think of it similarly to cult mentality and how they keep you in cults. That is the reason I emphasized being a victim of the Port Mafia instead of an individual. Kouyou, Q, and Kyouka, while you can pin their main perpetrators on certain people, their overall situation doesn't change.

Now why doesn’t she just use the phone herself instead of letting people call Demon Snow for her? Wouldn’t she have more agency that way? Atsushi proposes this, but she rejects it instantly. It’s a very simple answer, it’s the same reason she can’t bear to look at it outside of when she’s forced to use it in combat. It’s her ability that killed her parents and why she was forced into this position.

It’s not hard for a little girl to believe she’s nothing more than a killing machine when she sees that night her ability would mercilessly kill her parents. She eventually caves when Kouyou points out how quick she is to vindicate violence to protect that hope she desperately wants a part of, and how she will never change. Her first mission with the Armed Detective Agency is proof in itself. Was Atsushi going to keep extending his kindness after hearing what she could only blame herself for?

Kouyou is a character I’ve seen that gets a lot of double standards compared to all of the other characters I’ve mentioned with abusive tendencies and is almost purely liked. She’s not seen as an absolute monster (The director, Mori) or controversial with one side containing pure dislike and another pure love (Akutagawa, Dazai), it’s only that she’s a well-written, sympathetic badass girl boss. It’s either because she’s a woman, that she doesn’t use an overt intimidation style, that her motives are more obvious in their emotional influences, or all of the above that she’s not treated the same.

Kouyou’s motivations are not special, as I’ve said. The only thing that differentiates them from the others is that they’re not covered by a mask of indifference. As fond as she is for her, she’s not much different from anyone else who holds the mafia up in high regard. She weaponizes her words in where they’d hurt the most so Kyouka would come with her. The entire last section of their battle sums up with her saying, “Kyouka come with me, they’ll only use you for your Ability when they get a hold of it. Even if the mafia did the same thing, at least they’ll accept you for who you truly are: a natural-born killer. You don’t have to fight anymore, I’ll protect you.”

When Atsushi finds Kyouka once again subsequently in her disappearance, she chooses to embrace her violence to help the Armed Detective Agency in this fight with the Guild. After her walk in where she used to reside, she comes the the conclusion she no longer belongs there. Against Kouyou’s wishes, she will brandish her blade for a home. That blows up in her face the moment she starts. Atsushi gets taken, and it’s just as Kouyou said would happen. If even her violence doesn’t get her wish, then what can she do besides leave herself to her fate?

As someone who’s seen another with a talent for killing walk the path of good and is on that same path himself, Dazai talks to her. He tells her about how she hasn’t gone through her entrance exam yet, how she isn’t an official member because she hasn’t proven her will or life on the line to help people she doesn’t necessarily know. Kyouka doesn’t believe she could’ve passed if that’s what it takes, but Dazai doesn’t agree with the points she’s brought up. So what if she’s killed or considered dangerous? That doesn’t make her less qualified to be a part of the Detective Agency, everyone there is from different backgrounds.

She can’t know everything, not even about herself. Nobody does, but it takes others to see more of yourself. Excelling in one area doesn’t prevent you from nurturing your potential in another. What would that make someone like Atsushi, a person who’s been her guiding figure throughout—but was never seen as anything more than a threat or a beast because of his ability before he joined them? The truth is, our lives aren’t defined by one purpose the moment we’re born, it’s only something you can make for yourself. We’re not the places we’ve been raised in, not the ideas people apply to us, and we’re especially not defined by the traumatic experiences we had no control over.

All of it accumulates the person we are today, and we can’t change that no matter how much we resent parts of our image that don’t hold up to what society deems as right, but it shouldn’t take control over what we want for ourselves. It isn’t fair for the victims who were forced into a life where they had to fend for themselves, the children who had to navigate an adult’s messed up world that didn’t have room for them to grow as kids should. Forced into a box where they stay unaware that they’ve ever left their mother’s womb, break out in fury with eyes that grew up too early—only to become lost and thrown away, or rot in that box without a single person knowing they were a breathing, living human being.

I deem abuse selfish for this very reason. Kouyou is wrong for this very reason. If she finds comfort in her reasoning, then I can’t critique her for her own choices and will have to respect her for choosing to stay in the mafia even when the old boss is dead, every abuse victim is different, but not a single person is born evil or good, in the dark or light. Not a soul has to stay in one place because they started there. It’s going to be a hard journey to truly achieve what you long for, results aren’t immediate and not everyone gets there no matter their effort, but still try. Try because it’s still worth trying, because you’re still worth more than you think.

In parallel, you can only get there as long as you’re seeking it. Too many see the Armed Detective Agency as something that will automatically save characters just by working there, but the only way it can help them is if they seek out their help themselves. The ADA is not the right place for every character, but Kyouka does want a place there. After her conversation with Dazai, she knows what she wants to do now. She will smash the drone she’s in into Moby Dick so nobody will have to die, but sacrifice her own life in the process. She’s chained to this place, but her choices aren’t.

She doesn’t have to die with regret, with this she can pass the entrance exam and become an agency member like she wanted. She made a difference for herself just by this act. It’d be a pretty melancholy arc if it ended like that, thank god we know it doesn’t end like this. When you become a full agency member, you gain more control over your ability, meaning—

She’s fine.

The exposition is over, let’s talk about Kyouka. Her arc is beautiful and the neglect to talk about her when it comes to her abuse story besides saying, “She’s the one who stopped the abuse cycle” and then nothing else is heartbreakingly superficial. She didn’t stop it, it’s impossible to, but she did break out of it. Kyouka’s section has more exposition than the others but I expected that. I wanted to save her for last because she’s the only one whose arc has come to a peaceful conclusion and not unfinished, and the lighter message felt nice to leave off on.

I shouldn’t berate Kouyou too much, the only reason she stayed in that room after being captured by the ADA is because she did want Kyouka to experience what she never had, and speaking with Dazai helped reassure her that Kyouka would be able to achieve her dreams. It’s no longer the age of the old boss. As well as her shedding the truth about her parent’s death so she wouldn’t have to resent her ability as not an avatar of massacre, but a product of her parents’ love that will always stay with her. She didn’t let go of the phone she’s had this entire time because her mother told her not to let it go.

Me going over Kouyou in this fashion is not me saying you shouldn’t love her character, I like her too. It’s just that it’s passed over so fast what she did, but somehow Akutagawa is more at fault here is mind-boggling. I’d get it a little more if this is because she redeemed herself by wanting the best for Kyouka over what was best for the mafia, but I doubt that’s the case when that moment is talked about so little as well.

I genuinely need you all to understand that not every character is going to have a satisfying, clean conclusion like this. Akutagawa’s story is most likely not going to have a conclusion that satisfies everyone and you should respect it when it comes. There’s no perfect way of writing abuse, but there’s no correct way of doing it either. I don’t think Dazai is going to have the repercussions you want him to have any time soon. If you got the message from Beast, getting revenge on an abuser doesn’t make us feel better or let us process what happened to us. Total resentment keeps us stuck.

The only thing that will heal us is the kindness so many offer in this series. You in no way need to extend that kindness to an abuser, you don’t need to forgive them or let them into your life again, but be kind to yourself and don’t let resentment prevent you from focusing on yourself. Forgiveness and reconnection are not the same thing. Don’t be angry when a victim does want those things. Unless it’s character inconsistent, that’s not something we shouldn’t have any opinion on as the right or wrong way to go about their lives. What if later they do change their mind and want something different from what they originally planned? That’s fine too. Everyone is different. Don’t give unsolicited advice to people who do not want it, let them decide for themselves. It is the best thing you can do.

The worst abusers are the ones who refuse to change and see wrong in what they’re doing, but what about the ones who do want that? Then also let them heal. They did something awful, why isn’t it a good thing they want to stop it now? You don’t have to let them in just because they changed though. Apologies don’t fix the damage already done, but to some victims, it feels nice to feel that what’s been done to them is acknowledged. You don’t want them to hurt others the way they’ve done to you, and neither do they. It hurts to let them forgive themselves when you haven’t and never will, you want to see them suffer, but that’s the only way things can change.

Dazai has changed, is he a good person even after what he’s done? I despise this question for any character of this series. He’s grown so much, and if you don’t think so, reread his conversation with Kyouka I beg of you. It is a far cry from his mindset in the mafia. A better person for sure, but a good person is hard to define for anyone in this series. The mafia is still the mafia, do any of them qualify as good people? The government, even if it’s the position of the right in society, is still an unjust system.

What a good person is cannot be an objective answer, people think there is but it’s not. A good person is how much we know about them and where our position in life affects our viewpoint. Prejudice values don’t make you correct in what you think a good person is, being convicted of a crime, one you might not even have committed, doesn’t automatically make you a bad person, being associated with a group doesn’t mean anything about who you are, etc. It’s all subjective in the end.

Meaning someone like Odasaku is essential in a story like this. He still has a presence in this narrative, even if he died in a light novel, because his existence pushes the boundaries of a “good person” in the fact his contradictory existence establishes itself. He failed in walking the path he wanted, but he doesn’t regret it even in his dying moments trying to.

Afterthoughts

The themes of morality and humanity go hand in hand with the abuse present in Bungou Stray Dogs, so it was hard avoiding talking about this when it was necessary. I don’t think it’s right of us to judge a character’s path that isn’t finished, in a story that’s nowhere near done. Ultimately, I’m only talking in a place of experience but never will it make me exempt from any personal bias. I tried to be as objective and nuanced as I could about this, and I hope it shows.

Abuse isn’t one of those things that I can analyze from any logical stand point or take resources to back my statements up about abuse. Of course everything I say can be backed up, but abuse is a personal, human matter and we’re just human being trying to figure out more than we can handle. I just couldn’t be comfortable with how people are now choosing to talk about Asagiri and needed to shed some light in what you’re missing.

Now I could’ve gone over Higuchi or Lucy because their stories also involve abuse, but I don’t think I could say anything new about them without repeating points I’ve already said. We know very little about Higuchi and what made her so devoted to Akutagawa, and Lucy is pretty quick to summarize considering her story is just like Atsushi’s. Q is also a character to be brought up but I don’t have enough information on them to say much about any abuse itself that happened.

Yosano was also an option but I don’t think anyone had any trouble understanding her backstory. Well I was only really aiming to speak about what’s not been spoken enough. Thank you for reading haha, god this thing is monstrous. Already got to 14k words by the time I was officially done…. I didn’t know if I wanted to lean into character analysis or just exposition, I hope it’s a good enough mix of both. This took way longer than the 4 days I was planning to write this in.

I was later reminded that I could do a post on how their abilities functioned and reflect on their abuse/traumatic events, but I didn’t think I’d have enough room for that here. It could be a bonus post eventually? I don’t think I did Kyouka enough justice in that aspect, but i’d just be beating myself up again about not making this perfect.

I hope I don’t come off scary or a very serious person? I’m very open to requests or discussions people want to engage in. Oh jeez, I’ll just embarrass myself if I keep talking. Writing this was a bit much, never really liked writing stuff myself. Sorry if glossed over anything, I wanted to stay on topic and not detail into something unnecessary.

The message BSD has is a pretty normal one, but there’s something very special about how it’s written here and I’m happy it exists. Maybe I shouldn’t have made this so long? But there’s so much to express sigh……

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

A Black Stork

A bonus imagine that pairs with this one (featuring Yuu taking care of the baby Octatrio).

In this piece, enjoy Crowley being a deadbeat dad. I am so, so happy that I found a legitimate excuse to actually write this into existence.

Happy Father’s Day.

Imagine this...

The last thing Yuu was expecting at their door was Crowley--and not just him, but the three bundles of joy in his arms. His pale skin was covered in bite marks and black smudges, and his crow mask was set askew. He smelled like salt and the sea.

The three infants in his arms were bawling and flailing their chubby little limbs. One of the babies’ fists connected with Crowley’s chin, another chomped down hard on a finger (Crowley yelped), and the third was spitting up dark tears.

The man let out an exaggerated sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose with his taloned hand.

“Um...good morning?” Yuu said awkwardly, unsure of what else would be appropriate at such a time. “Can I help you, headmaster...?”

“Yuu-san! They’re your responsibility now!” Crowley announced, thrusting the infants at the poor, unsuspecting prefect.

The babies jerked at the sudden movement and began screeching even louder. Instinctively, Yuu rocked the little ones gently to calm them down--but inside, they were absolutely seething.

“You show up on my doorstep at 5 am to throw a bunch of your babies at me?!”

“That is precisely it! Oh, how very, very perceptive you are, Yuu-san!” Crowley gushed, not allowing any protests to ring in his ears. “You are so talented, and so wise, and did I mention kind?”

“...You don’t seriously think that will work on me, do you?”

“In fact, I do!” Crowley replied brazenly. “After all, the oh-so-very kind Yuu-san would not miss out on an opportunity to help their beloved friends from Octavinelle, yes?”

“What? Octavinelle...?” Yuu glanced down at the three babies in their arms--and indeed, upon closer inspection, they did resemble the merman trio.

Two of them bore a teal hue to their skin and fins instead of ears, as well as sharp teeth and slimy tails instead of legs. Both Floyd and Jade snapped at the air, looking for something to latch on to. The last child, Azul, bore more baby fat and sported lilac skin, his tentacles poking out from the blanket he was swathed in. Tears trickled down his cheeks, dyed jet black with ink.

“...What did you do this time?” Yuu asked, the disappointment in their voice evident.

“I did nothing of the sort!” Crowley insisted. He coughed into a hand, then added quietly, “...This time, at least. Ashengrotto-kun and the Leech twins simply got caught up in a bit of an Alchemy accident!”

“Okay, so why isn’t Professor Crewel looking after them?”

“He is brewing an antidote as we speak! However, it is a tedious and time-consuming process. The potion will not be ready for another day or two. As headmaster of Night Raven College, I graciously took it upon myself to take care of these three until that antidote is ready.”

“Then why are you giving them to me?!”

“Is it not obvious, Yuu-san?! I am busy with my other tasks as headmaster! I cannot possibly hope to add childcare to my already lengthy list of duties. That is why it now falls to you!”

“I did not sign up for this!!”

“You will if you wish to demonstrate to Ashengrotto-kun and the Leeches how much you value their safety and wellbeings!” Crowley quipped, shaking his head. “Why, you’ve seen the extent of my childcare abilities! Imagine what kind of terrible fate could befall them if you allow them to remain in my nest!”

Yuu’s stomach sank as realization set in.

As much as they hated to admit it, he was right. The babies had been crying when Crowley brought them to Ramshackle. He was so incompetent, so lackadaisical--if Azul, Floyd, and Jade stayed with him, they would be absolutely miserable.

Perhaps Crowley would forget to feed or clean them. He would leave them unattended to shovel small objects into their mouths. And if the twins ganged up on Azul...

Yuu frantically shook their head, shooing away such morbid thoughts.

“...You’re right. Fine. I’ll watch them.”

Crowley broke out into a massive, toothy grin. “I expected nothing less from such a responsible prefect~”

Yuu maintained his gaze and glared.

The headmaster chuckled nervously and turned around with a wave. “Well then, since you seem to be all set here, I’m off to sample new dishes in the cafeteria! Farewe--!!” Crowley’s sentence was cut off by Yuu tugging on his cape as he was beginning to descend the stairs.

“HOLD IT!” Yuu cried, holding on with a tight grip. “Where’s the child support?”

“Excuse me? Child support?” Crowley’s brows knitted together in confusion. The phrase tasted foreign on his tongue. “What is that?”

“Um, money,” Yuu explained. They did their best to simplify the definition, since it appeared the concept was brand new to Crowley. “You know, like...extra funds to help pay for things babies might need.”

The headmaster cocked an eyebrow. “What sorts of additional things would be needed?”

“Food, diapers, baby powder, rash cream, toys, gentle bath products, blankets. They need lots of things.”

“I...I see.”

An awkward silence permeated the crisp morning air.

By this point, the crying and the thrashing of the Octavinelle trio had died down. Worn out from sobbing, they now drifted off to sleep in Yuu’s warm embrace. Soft breathing was the only sound that greeted the dawn of a new day.

Crowley cleared his throat.

“...Everything appears to be in order. I now take my leave.”

“What about the child support?” Yuu demanded--but their voice was a harsh whisper, for they did not dare to disturb the resting twins and Azul.

“I really must be going now, Yuu-san!” Crowley declared loudly. “Those fairy cakes won’t eat themselves, you know!”

His volume caused the prefect to release their grip on his cape, step back, and flinch. In Yuu’s arms, the three babies shifted slightly, their faces contorting in mild discomfort before settling back into a spell of slumber.

What a bastard! He’s doing that on purpose!

“The child support,” Yuu tried one final time.

“Good luck! I will swing by with the antidote when it is ready!” came the headmaster’s casual reply. Already, he was quarter of the way down the steps of Ramshackle--and he didn’t even bother passing a glance back over his shoulder.

“CROWLEY!!”

[gaemkyuu]

‘Cause You Have To

Warnings: the story deals with Cancer and notions of loss, but there is no death. A/N: This was originally supposed to be a piece on Charlie that an anon had suggested, but I decided to try making it into a JATP fic seeing as I have an entire series for Charlie. Alive!AU without Bobby Disclaimer: The events of the story are inspired by Taylor Swifts “Soon You’ll Get Better” and my own experiences with a very close family member and their journey battling cancer. I do not own Julie and the Phantoms or any characters in this adaptation.

Masterlist

‘Cause You Have To

Julie’s could’ve swore her hearing was fine, but for some reason, as she sat under the fluorescent lights, he father beside her holding her hand, everything just seemed muffled. There was a dull buzzing in the background as Julie tried to focus on what the lady in front of her was saying.

“Julie?”

Her father’s voice rang loud and clear through the haze and she snapped her head towards him. She saw the concern riddling his face, but his eyes held a sadness that she had only seen once before. It was the same sadness he had when her mom was sick and when she passed on. She knew that look all too well as her father and her became the closest during those times.

“Mr. Molina, it is in the early phases and quite curable. If we begin treatment right away, I’m sure that eradicate the cancerous cells before they spread” the doctor’s voice was leveled, but her eyes spoke compassion and hope. Not certainty, confidence or assurance. Julie was sure they had said the same thing to her mother when they sat in this very office three years ago. The doctor said some more things that Julie couldn’t quite grasp onto, but she wasn’t talking to her, more than she was talking to her father. “I’ll give you some time. Please feel free to call me with any questions or concerns you may have. In the meantime, take this. I know I said a lot today, but these resources are simplified and can reiterate what I was saying.” This time she was speaking to Julie as she handed her the portfolio filled with documents. Julie took them with a small smile and placed them on her lap, not moving to get up.

With a click of the door, neither person left in the room dared to move. Julie thought that maybe the haze had affected her father too or maybe he was just trying to find the right words to say. Then again, what does one say in a situation like this? After losing his wife to cancer three years ago, he now has to hear his only daughter has it too? Julie’s mom looked perfectly fine until a doctor’s appointment when her and Carlos saw their parents parked in front of the house talking, hiding the fact that both were emotional and crying. Julie remembers that night vividly in her mind when they sat down to dinner and Carlos broke the awkward tension. Within 6 months, their mother had took a turn for the worse and lost her 6 months later. The whole experience left the family reeling, what more this?

“We’re gonna figure this out mija” Ray stared straight in front of him as he said this and she knew it was because he didn’t want to cry. “I promised your mom I would take care of you and I will”

“You’re right Papi. Everything is going to work out exactly as it should” Julie squeezed her father’s hand in assurance, causing him to look at her and smile. He kissed her on the forehead and stood up, Julie doing the same. She had no idea how her voice had been so confident to her father because deep down inside, she was scared. 

Their drive home from the hospital was silent as the music softly played in the background. Pulling up to the front of the house, Julie wondered if they were going to reenact what her father and mother did that day three years ago. “When do you want to tell Carlos?” her father’s question was heavy, knowing that this could completely change the younger boy’s life. 

“Over supper. We’ll tell him together. As a family” she smiled and hugged her dad over the center console of the car, both of them soaking in the moment. Ray got out of the vehicle and rushed over to the passenger side to open the door for her. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, stealing a quick side hug, the two made their way to the front door, only to be surprised that they had guests.

And not only did they have guests, their guests were busy fluttering about their house. 

“What is going on here?” Ray exclaimed rushing over to the kitchen, taking a casserole dish away from Carlos who was struggling. Although it smelt delicious, poor Ray was concerned about the mess that used to be the kitchen.

“I swear we will clean it all up Ray!” chimed Reggie, taking breadsticks out of the oven. Julie was surprised to see her friends and brothers busying themselves around the kitchen. It was no surprise to her to see Alex at the stove and Flynn cutting vegetables for what appeared to be a salad. It did comfort her to see Luke’s job was primarily setting up the table and pouring glasses of water, setting up their usual table of three for a table of 7. “Why don’t you guys have a seat?” Reggie ushered the both of them to have a seat at the table as he checked off a couple things on the piece of paper.  Ray looked at Julie with confusion all over his face to which she shrugged not knowing the cause of all of this.

“We wanted to make Julie a nice dinner and have some relaxing quality time together since she hasn’t been feeling well and all” Luke gave Julie a quick peck on the cheek and moved to grab a couple cans of pop from the fridge. Julie and her father shared a look of concern, knowing the reasons behind her health as of late.

“Super relaxing” Alex chimed in sarcastically as he seasoned whatever sauce he was working with, giving the boiling water in the other pot a stir. Poor guy looked like he was working super hard.

“I did all the planning” Flynn smirked proudly as she set the bowl of salad and dressing onto the dining room table, dodging Luke in the process. “Reggie’s being the supervisor, but I’m the mastermind” Julie chuckled at her friend’s remark.

“I made the cake!” exclaimed Carlos walking in with a chocolate cake on a dessert platter, placing it on the table. “Well... Reggie helped me follow the instructions on the back correctly” which merited a ‘welcome little man!’ from near the stove where Reggie was tasting Alex’s sauce and nodding. Within a matter of minutes, Luke took his place beside Julie, Carlos beside Ray and the other three brought over the other dishes. Her four friends had made a delicious italian themed dinner with two kinds of pasta complete with breadsticks and salad.

“Alex, it’s your turn for grace” Carlos smiled as he placed his hands on the table, others copying him.

“What? I said grace last time!” Alex objected. “It’s Julie’s turn” everyone smiled, closing their eyes and bowing their heads, waiting for the lead singer to lead them in grace.

“Thank you God for bringing us together to cherish the time that we have together. Amen!” With a chorus of ‘Amen’s echoing after and smiles going around, Julie couldn’t help but share a look with her father, knowing that her words held a seriousness about them. She watched with a content but slightly sad look in her eyes as her friends passed the food around, everyone taking a portion and tasting their fruits of their labour.

“So how was the doctors?” Reggie asked innocently, taking a breadstick from the middle. Julie stuttered for a moment thinking of what she truly wanted to say. Alex caught on to this quickly and shared a look with Flynn, who also caught the hesitation of their friend. Luke looked at Julie expectantly while taking a mouthful of food, his smile faltering, knowing something was about to happen. Soon the table started to notice Julie wasn’t answering the question, her head staring down at her plate and her father looking at her with concern. “I take it didn’t go well?” Reggie flinched as Alex kicked him under the table.

Ray looked at his daughter carefully and calculatedly, not sure as to whether or not she needed his support in delivering the news to her friends. She had only expected to tell her brother this evening, but the unexpected company of her friends and boyfriend, had made this conversation way more difficult than she anticipated. However, she knew this conversation with each individual had to happen eventually and she was thankful that this conversation only needed to happen once.

“It’s Cancer” her eyes looking at everyone at the table after the announcement left her mouse.

It was though everyone around the table froze. A plethora of different emotions crossed everyone’s faces for a moment or two, until Luke broke the silence.

“I’m sorry... I’m not sure if I heard you probably even though I’m right beside you, but did you just say Cancer?”

Carlos moved to be in between his father and sister, pulling them in for a tight hug. Flynn stood up right after and moved to hug Julie on her side of the table, while Luke sat there in shock. The other two boys followed her actions, starting a group hug, even if Luke was a statue. They held each other for a moment or two, Carlos and Flynn crying with her. Reggie teared up, but held it back while Alex provided quiet comfort to them. After some time they finally let go of each other, each of them hugging Julie, except Luke who was now looking down at his plate, quickly losing his appetite.

“Whatever you need Julie, we are here for you 100%” she smiled at Alex’s words, placing her hand in Luke’s empty one, still not moving. 

“Well the good news is that we caught it early, and that if I start treatment right away, I should be fine” Julie tried to comfort her friends, but knowing the havoc this sickness previously caused in their household, she knew there was very little she could do to ease her mind.

“‘If you start treatment’? ‘Caught it early’? ‘Should be fine’?!” Luke’s voice became more and more irritated as he quoted his girlfriend. “So all the times you ‘just needed a nap’ or ‘you’re just sore’ or ‘you weren’t sure where the bruises came from’, these have all been signs pointing to Cancer?” Alex moved to calm him down, but as Luke stood up abruptly from his seat, pain and hurt all over his face, it was obvious there was no calming him down. 

“Luke, come on-” Alex’s attempt to calm his friend was futile as Luke walked out the front door and slammed it. Everyone looked at Julie watching for her reaction as the sudden emotional outburst of her boyfriend. Julie took a deep breath and took a moment to find her composure.

“He just needs time. I’m okay. We’ll talk about it later.” Everyone nodded and took their seats at the dinner table, feeling slightly awkward at the nice meal in front of them. “I’m sorry you guys, I didn’t mean to damper the mood on this nice dinner. The pasta is really good Alex!” Julie tried to shift the mood and it worked partially as a chuckle or two was shared, while others smiled. Julie continued to eat her dinner encouraging everyone else to as well, even if the subject of Julie’s illness and Luke’s outburst on their minds.

Julie really wanted to run after Luke, but she ultimately decided not to for two reasons: A) She was tired and knew she wouldn’t be able to keep up with him and B) She knew that Luke was a passionate person and sometimes he just needed a little more time to process how he actually was feeling. Instead of pacing and worrying until he came back, she thought it would be better to do what her friends had initially wanted them to do. 

Besides, Luke always came back. 

Always.

***

It had been two weeks since Julie last saw Luke, as despite her calls or texts, she got no response from him. He avoided them when he was at school and when Alex and Reggie tried to visit him, his parents said he didn’t want to see anyone. Luke had completely cut himself off from his friends, still trying to process this news.

In all honesty, Luke was scared.

He didn’t want to admit it, but there were truths that he would have to face with Julie being diagnosed with cancer. Sure, Julie tried to comfort them by saying it was in the early stages, but he remembered that’s what they had said about her mother. Luke and Julie weren’t a couple at the time, but they stood by her as her mother’s health slowly declined and Julie fell into a sadness that caused her to turn away from music for a whole year. 

That was another thing he had to think about, their band. Luke knew that their band was kissing greatness and were starting to book bigger gigs, catching the eye of major music executives, but they would put that on halt for Julie’s health. It had been all of their dreams to make it big, but this would definitely change the course of their band’s future.

Luke loved Julie more than the band, and that was saying a lot. Her health was the number one priority, but Luke knew he had to prepare himself for all possible outcomes, including death. The thought made him sick to his stomach, and quite frankly, he had spent a lot of time crying at night thinking about it. Seeing Julie was hard because it reminded him of the uncertainty and the potential hurt they were going to have to face. Every time he saw her or their friends, he was reminded of the loss they might have to face and he couldn’t handle it. However, he didn’t realize how much he was isolating himself until he didn’t see Julie in the halls anymore. He kept to himself, but by Friday he had to know. His anxiety was getting out of control so he quickly found Flynn in the hallways  to ask her about Julie. Flynn had been grabbing things from her locker while Alex, Willie and Reggie waited for her.

“H-hey you guys” the four of them were shocked that Luke had acknowledged their presence despite avoiding them for the past two weeks. “Listen, I-I know I haven’t been around, it’s been hard, but where’s Julie?” the next thing he knew, he was being slammed up against the locker by someone he least expected; Reggie.

“So now you care?! Julie’s been gone this entire week, and now you care?!” Reggie was never this confrontational unless it was something that weighed heavily on his chest. Alex quickly coaxed Reggie to drop Luke and take a step back. Luke was still speechless at Reggie’s actions and was grabbing his bearings, as Flynn began to speak. 

“She started treatment over the weekend and hasn’t been feeling well since. She’s at home resting, but like you said it’s hard” Luke recoiled at the slight snarkiness to the DJ’s tone. His eyes were wide like saucers at a disbelief of the accusations they made against him.

“Hey, I care! It’s been hard to process this whole thing!” Flynn scoffed and shook her head while rolling her eyes. 

“You don’t think Julie is going through the same thing? We swore to be there for her Luke and she needs you. Yet you’ve cut everyone out so you could process this.” Luke swallowed hard, feeling guiltier than he had ever felt in his life. “Y’know what the worst part of this is? The fact that Julie still forgives you and tries to give you the benefit of the doubt!” Flynn stomped away, Reggie following in toe, leaving Alex and Willie behind with Luke.

“We were going to drop off her homework today, but I think it might be better if you do” Alex gave him the book and notes that Julie had missed from class, offering a small smile. Out of everyone, Alex knew what Luke was going through as his anxiety caused him to shut down and recluse. Luke silently thanked him with a hug and ran off to the Molinas.

***

“Thank you” Julie’s voice was horse as she took the glass of water from Luke. He quickly closed the toilet and flushed it, rubbing her back in the process of it all. Julie had gone through eight cycles of chemotherapy and her test results were coming back with positive news, but they weren’t in the clear. Ever since Luke rushed to her house after her first cycle, he had been at the Molinas every day, sometimes even staying overnight. At first, his parents didn’t approve of how much he would be gone, but after visiting the Molinas for dinner one evening, it became clear to them that they had no say in the matter. Luke was committed to being there for Julie every step of the way.

Ray was grateful for Luke. He understood what the boy went through at the beginning of it all, knowing that he went through something similar with Julie’s mother. Although a part of him was annoyed with not being there for his daughter at the beginning, he was grateful that he came around and became very involved in the whole process. Ray knew Luke brought Julie happiness, and while Julie rarely had the energy to sing or play, he would often find Luke singing or playing guitar to her. He also knew that Luke wasn’t the most academically bright student, but he brought Julie’s homework home on the days that she was too ill to return to school and tried his best to catch her up on what she missed.

Between the visits of friends and family in their home, Ray had found himself juggling a mountain of a to-do list, but the four friends stepped up to the plate to help him wherever they could. Often Flynn would help with tidying or organizing things in the house, while Reggie and Alex looked after Carlos, bringing him to and from games whenever Ray couldn’t be there. Luke would accompany Julie to every chemo session and would pick up her medication on his way over. 

Ray was grateful for the support system of the teens as it enabled him to catch up on work or other things on the to-do list. There were times for him to feel the heaviness of the situations and times for him to bond with Julie or Carlos thanks to the help of the teens. So as he stood there in the hallway mid stride in the middle of the night, he said a silent thank you and calmly made his way to the open bathroom door. As he stepped into the doorway, Julie retched into the toilet again, a frown settling on his face. Luke saw him as he comforted Julie and gave him a nod, signalling that Ray could go back to bed as he could take care of Julie. Ray raised his eyebrows in a confirmation gesture to which Luke nodded again to, and headed back to bed.

After repeating the water bottle mouth rinse, flush the toilet and sip water routine, Julie leaned her head on Luke’s shoulder, signifying that she no longer felt the urge to vomit. He picked her up bridal style and carried her back to her room, snuggling into his chest as he moved. It made Luke sad that Julie was lighter now and the bags under her eyes were a bit deeper, but you would never hear a complaint from Julie. In the midst of it all she still smiled and joked, trying her best to keep up with life as if Cancer was not a part of her life. He admired her strength and attitude amidst everything that she was physically feeling. He gently placed her on the bed and tucked her in, and she moved to make room for him on the bed.

At the beginning, Luke stayed in the guest bedroom across the hall from Julie’s room, but slowly moved into her bedroom the worse her side effects became. Ray wasn’t completely comfortable with the idea, but knowing that Luke would never do anything and the fact that someone could quickly attend to Julie, helped ease his dad instincts.

“Cuddle me?” Julie’s eyes were barely open, but she waited for her boyfriend to give her some physical comfort. Luke moved in closer to snuggle with her, moving her hair out of her face for her. “Is my hair getting thinner?”

“A little, but I only notice it because I’m not choking on it when you toss and turn in your sleep” Luke kissed the top of her head as she snuggled in closer to him. This elicited a small giggle from Julie and that was enough for Luke.

“Only two more cycles” she sighed into his chest. Her appointment earlier that day had yielded positive results. The doctor had said that they would do two more cycles before giving her a major break, seeing as her blood tests came back better every time. Julie wouldn’t fully admit how physically taxing the whole ordeal was. “Thank you Luke”

“For what?” the boy wrapped his arms around her thinning frame, holding onto the hope in her voice and pushing away any negative thoughts.

“For being here for me and for coming back” her voice was quiet, meaning she was starting to drift off to sleep. Luke began to softly hum to her, something he did to comfort both her and himself. He rubbed soft circles on her back and kissed her forehead one more time. Luke knew things were getting better, but the truth was that the possibility of it becoming worse was still there. But if there was anything he had learned in Julie’s fight, he knew he had to hold on to hope. No matter how scared it made him or how he would have the occasional nightmare of losing Julie, he constantly reminded her through words and actions that he had to take it a day at a time. 

“Anything Julie, you know that”

[alixofagnia]

OpheThorn II: A Slightly Less Rambling Analysis

The Missing of Clairdelune is a superb second installment in The Mirror Visitor quartet. We get more of what we loved about the first book, more pieces to the larger existential puzzle, yet it smartly stops short of resolving too much so that we stay invested for the third episode. Christelle Dabos allows herself slightly more exposition. But the novel really succeeds by continuing to follow the less-is-more mantra and the showing vs. telling style.

As you may or may not recall, after I finished A Winter’s Promise, I spent an embarrassing amount of time copy/pasting excerpts from this book into Google Translate with the result that I really did spoil a lot of the OpheThorn parts for myself—which I don’t exactly regret. But, essentially, it left me with a bit less to say. I had a good response to my first OpheThorn analysis (it’s here and thank you for all the kind words), so I did think that I’d like to put something out about Clairdelune as well, I just wasn’t sure what. After some consideration (and a re-read), I do have some more thoughts about OpheThorn.

So, here we go.

[Spoilers included this time]

[All fanart images credited to @patricialyfoung]

Intro

Since Clairdelune begins right where Promise concluded, Ophelia is still pissed at Thorn, while Thorn is still pining for Ophelia albeit in his uniquely aloof way. The only real thing that’s made me scratch my head with them is the severity of Ophelia’s anger/resentment over Thorn having withheld his true ambitions from her and her finding out about them from someone else. I just think it’s a little bit of a weak conflict for them given how pragmatic they are. I get that it’s the culmination of a frustrating situation. But I still think it’s weak.

So, once again the two begin on shaky ground, a space they occupy for the bulk of the novel. They are, at least, together a bit more than before and there’s all sorts of lovely tension, mostly caused by Thorn’s inelegant method of wooing compounded by Ophelia’s stubborn refusal to give him an inch. Thorn’s growing feelings for Ophelia were subtly hinted at in Promise and they become more apparent here, particularly when juxtaposed against Ophelia’s stubborn denial of hers for him.

And I just adore the cover art! Don’t you?

Thorn and Autism Spectrum Disorder

This is what I want to discuss. I may be alone in this, but it seems like Thorn could be coded as having autism spectrum disorder (ASD). It occurred to me while I was reading Promise and this time around, I feel comfortable in taking that perspective on Thorn. I like the notion of applying an ASD reading to his character because it explains a few descriptive quirks and makes him more than a “weirdo” or “freak”, which is reductive labeling. When considering his interactions with other characters and their reactions to him, this reading lends an added layer to his actions and overall development.

But let me make something clear.

This book isn’t about ASD, so I’m not suggesting that Dabos intended to write Thorn as having ASD or is trying to make a statement in any way on the disorder, and I’m cautious about how I use this idea to understand the character. This is purely my own speculation/take on the character.

I also want to be clear that I don’t have any personal experience with the disorder. I’ve met people with autism and ASD and they were all very different from each other and had very different needs. So, I’m largely making connections with textbook examples of ASD and they’re maybe a little bit broad because as I said it isn’t explicitly made clear that Thorn has ASD. I may very likely err in my understanding of this disorder. If that’s the case, I apologize in advance and please do correct me or give me your own opinion on this idea.

Here’s an overview from the webpage of the national institute of mental health:

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior. Although autism can be diagnosed at any age, it is said to be a “developmental disorder” because symptoms generally appear in the first two years of life. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), a guide created by the American Psychiatric Association used to diagnose mental disorders, people with ASD have:

Difficulty with communication and interaction with other people

Restricted interests and repetitive behaviors

Symptoms that hurt the person’s ability to function properly in school, work, and other areas of life

Autism is known as a “spectrum” disorder because there is wide variation in the type and severity of symptoms people experience. Although ASD can be a lifelong disorder, treatments and services can improve a person’s symptoms and ability to function.

It’s been shown repeatedly that it’s very difficult for Thorn to be an inviting and easy-going person, even with people he cares about. Thorn struggles with  communication, is emotionally suppressed, is both uncaring and at times completely unaware of how he presents himself socially, and obsessively consults his pocket watch, particularly when he’s at a loss for words or bored, or otherwise ready to get the hell out of any situation that causes him anxiety. He’s highly intelligent, fixated on order and organization, and has a history (as we know from Promise and learn more about in Clairdelune) of meeting intense emotion with impulsive violence.

Here’s a list (also from the NIMH website) of common symptoms:

Making little or inconsistent eye contact

Tending not to look at or listen to people

Rarely sharing enjoyment of objects or activities by pointing or showing things to others

Failing to, or being slow to, respond to someone calling their name or to other verbal attempts to gain attention

Having difficulties with the back and forth of conversation

Often talking at length about a favorite subject without noticing that others are not interested or without giving others a chance to respond

Having facial expressions, movements, and gestures that do not match what is being said

Having an unusual tone of voice that may sound sing-song or flat and robot-like

Having trouble understanding another person’s point of view or being unable to predict or understand other people’s actions

Repeating certain behaviors or having unusual behaviors. For example, repeating words or phrases, a behavior called echolalia

Having a lasting intense interest in certain topics, such as numbers, details, or facts

Having overly focused interests, such as with moving objects or parts of objects

Getting upset by slight changes in a routine

Being more or less sensitive than other people to sensory input, such as light, noise, clothing, or temperature

People with ASD may also experience sleep problems and irritability. Although people with ASD experience many challenges, they may also have many strengths including:

Being able to learn things in detail and remember information for long periods of time

Being strong visual and auditory learners

Excelling in math, science, music, or art

One can’t help but notice that we can check several of these points off for Thorn. Not all, certainly, but I’m sure you can call to mind some of your own examples of him exhibiting many of these behaviors repeatedly.

Where Does Ophelia Fit In?

Thorn has always treated his relationship with Ophelia in a very business-like manner, almost like a negotiation, which makes sense within the context of an arranged marriage. At the novel’s start, Thorn wishes to make amends, but Ophelia makes it very clear that she will not forgive him for his lies and neglect. His response to her is rather clinical.

“We simply can’t allow ourselves to be enemies,” cut in Thorn. “You’re making my life difficult with your resentment; it’s imperative that we become reconciled. […] Meet me at the Treasury, insult me, slap me, smash a plate over my head if you feel like it, and then let’s never speak of it again. Name your day. This Thursday would suit me.” [65]

I suppose this is a rather annoying response, especially if one is really just looking for a simple and genuine apology. But if we read Thorn as having ASD, then this feels a little different. He’s simplifying a conflict that he maybe doesn’t quite understand; he’s been given a different perspective on his actions and it’s perhaps beyond his capability to comprehend. To compensate, he turns this into a matter of business, which is something he can understand quite well, even going so far as to try and pencil Ophelia into his calendar. But he’s woefully unaware of the frustrating effect his language and tone have on her. Of course, what’s key here is what he isn’t saying: that she’s making his life difficult because he loves her; he wants to be on good terms, but doesn’t know how to fix this. Note that he again suggests violence as a means to deal with her emotion.

When they do meet up, Thorn says, 

“I have many enemies. I no longer want to count you among them, so tell me what I must do. That is why you came here, isn’t it? You have a deal to offer me, I’m listening to you.” [152]

He’s desperate. It’s also worth noting that he’s fairly vulnerable in this chapter; he exhibits jealousy and some hurt—Ophelia missed their original appointment because she was with Archibald and forgot about him. 

Modest as always, Ophelia asks only for a job, money to pay Fox, her new assistant, and to see the real outdoors again. She lastly requests that he always be honest with her, especially in matters that directly concern her. In exchange, she will teach him how to Read objects after the ceremony of the Gift and he will teach her how to use the claws that he’ll pass to her. She also reiterates, for good measure, that this will be their only conjugal duty. He grants the first three readily enough, but the fourth one trips him up. He does agree to it, but it’s obvious that it will cost him in more ways than one.

While I imagine that he’s receptive on some level to sexual intimacy with Ophelia, I think he’s more afraid of intimacy in general. Sharing things and being honest with a partner means opening oneself up to vulnerability, to weakness. The undertaking he’s set for himself—a mission he’s already devoted 15 years of his life to—doesn’t allow for that kind of intimacy; rather, it requires utmost resiliency, secrecy, and focus. Furthermore, if he were to be seen forming loving attachments (with Berenilde, Ophelia, or anyone else), then that could be turned against him over the course of fulfilling his risky endeavor. It’s that very fear, in fact, which has made him exclude his aunt (and attempt to exclude Ophelia) entirely from his investigation. His pursuit of a noble title and legitimacy is a front, an easy excuse he thought up to satisfy Berenilde’s and the court’s curiosity about why he suddenly wanted to get married and Read Farouk’s Book.

Like Thorn, it scares Ophelia to feel herself falling in love. Perhaps the womanly pride she carries with her makes it difficult for her to open up. After all, love and marriage were never apparently high on her list of things to accomplish either. Ophelia and Thorn are separately dealing with the same conundrum, which is that to love means to fear, and that’s messy. It could get in the way of a life that is humble (Ophelia) and a life that is ambitious (Thorn). Simply put, neither one had accounted for even the possibility of love in their marriage.

Perhaps because Ophelia is a Reader, I think that deep down she likes the enigma and challenge that is Thorn. Yes, he’s frustrating, but she never truly loses interest in him. Indeed, if anything, she becomes increasingly intrigued and is entirely won over when she at last learns all about what he’s doing. Ophelia is very likely the first person to make Thorn both confront and attempt to correct his inadequacy in areas of intimacy. As I touched on in my previous analysis, Ophelia calling Thorn out on his behavior and habits is surely a novelty for him.

“I believe neither in luck nor in destiny,” he declared. “I trust only the science of probabilities. I have studied mathematical statistics, combinatorial analysis, mass function, and random variables, and they have never held any surprises for me. You don’t seem fully to grasp the destabilizing effect that someone like you can have on someone like me.” [377]

Ohhhhkay. 

It turns out, she’s a bit of an enigma and definitely a challenge to him in kind. This is Thorn’s way of trying to tell Ophelia that he loves her. 

Thorn and Ophelia seek control and wield it differently. Thorn can be arrogant and overconfident with it, and he wants to be its sole retainer. Ophelia also wants to retain it but as it pertains to her decisions for herself, and she rebels against it when she feels like that’s being taken away from her. It’s important to them that they are in control of their own actions and destinies. But what neither one of them understands is that those we end up loving is often (or maybe always) outside of our control. Love has no explanation, and doesn’t require one. You can’t predict it. You can’t dictate it. You can’t calculate it or quantify it.

Ophelia seriously turns Thorn’s life, and everything he thought he could predict or control about it, upside down. Initially unwittingly, then actively, she encourages him to develop.

ASD Made Sexy

As inelegant as he is, Thorn does have his own way of being shocking:

“You wanted me to be honest with you. You will thus learn that you are not just a pair of hands for me. And I don’t give a damn whether people find me suspect, as long as I am not so in your eyes. You will return this to me when I have kept all my promises,” he grumbled, holding his watch out to Ophelia without noticing her stunned expression. “And if you still doubt me in the future, just read it.” [156].

You guys, this is kind of romantic, right? He’s so direct and it really flusters Ophelia, who is steadfastly resisting the decidedly non-business-like turn their relationship has taken. Skip to novel’s end, however, and she has totally changed her tune about Thorn. Right before they believe they will be parted forever, Thorn finally gives a straightforward confirmation of his feelings.

“Don’t go falling down any more stairs, avoid sharp objects, and above all, above all, keep away from disreputable people, alright? […] Oh, and by the way, I love you.” [486]

Swoon. 

The fact of the matter is this: despite his unconventional looks and mannerisms, Thorn hits a certain level of sexy. Which begs the question: Can ASD be sexy? Sure, one could say that his sex appeal comes naturally with his role as the male lead, which is directly connected to his chemistry with the female lead. But I think there’s actually an important distinction to be made; it’s not whether ASD itself is sexy, it’s whether a character with ASD is sexy and I think that’s important because you don’t want ASD to be treated as a gimmick in fiction. It matters how that kind of character is presented. 

Thorn’s ASD traits make him eccentric at best and a “freak” at worst, by Ophelia’s own description. Some of Thorn’s less offensive eccentricities are portrayed in an endearing light: his brusqueness with silly persons (i.e. Archibald, Baron Melchior) and their silly behavior; wearing his heavy uniform in a tropical illusion when there’s no evident dress policy for officials; preoccupied with tending to the order of his office over the tending of his wounds; launching a dangerous existential investigation all because of an illegal and unjust disruption in odds and probabilities, an utter crime in Thorn’s eyes.

But it’s also important to look at how other characters view him. Those at the Pole may look down on him, but there is no doubt that he commands a considerable level of their respect. He’s at the center of Citaceleste’s political and economical arenas, and has some judicial power as well. In short, he’s the one that everyone seemingly runs to in a crisis. Ophelia begrudgingly admires his self-control, coolness under pressure, and appreciates that he is not corrupt, like the other officials and aristocrats. Naturally, Berenilde regards him the highest. She, more than any other, gives us a glimpse of the true Thorn, putting forward the image of a protector, provider, and all-around genius.

So, the answer is yes. Thorn is sexy.

Ophelia and Asexuality

OK, I realize I’m going off on a tangent here, but since asexuality is a common reading of Ophelia that I see in reviews, I wanted to address that as well. 

There are many instances of Ophelia fulfilling, for lack of a better way to put it, the butterfly trope:

Perhaps it was due to the nervousness Thorn brought out in her, or the lace veil obscuring her vision, or the scarf coiled around her foot, or her pathological clumsiness, but the fact is, Ophelia tripped on the final step of the stairs. [28]

Hearing Thorn reawakened such nervousness in Ophelia that she seriously considered hanging up on him. [63]

She did, however, have to admit that Berenilde had got it right: it was indeed out of cowardice, more even than anger, that she’d spent recent weeks avoiding him. [100]

Somewhat embarrassed, Ophelia wondered whether he felt as nervous in her company as she felt in his. [160]

Ophelia felt her blood throbbing against her eardrums, but couldn’t have said whether it was due to sudden relief or, on the contrary, heightened tension. [323]

Ophelia gets butterflies whenever her love interest is near. It’s important to note that she’s not afraid for her safety when she’s with him, although there is one incident, where she thinks he’s going to strike her, which is quickly dispelled by his sincere assurance that he’d never harm her. He gives her butterflies often by doing totally mundane things such as standing in front of her or looking at her, and that bothers her. But why? 

Like Thorn, she’s convinced herself that intimacy and love aren’t for her. Some reviewers have praised Ophelia for being a representation of asexuality and, while I think there’s a strong case for her being somewhere on the asexual spectrum, I stop short at positing that she’s totally uninterested in sex or doesn’t experience sexual attraction. She’s noted, on several occasions, both in Clairdelune and Promise, Archibald’s handsomeness. In this novel, she also notes Fox’s.

With his gold braiding and red mane, he was as dazzling as Thorn was dark. Ophelia sensed herself coloring just looking at him. [165]

So, she does experience sexual attraction and, furthermore, she physically reacts to Fox’s appearance (though never to Archibald’s), which suggests that she’s not wholly disinterested in sex. In Promise, she commented that “no man had ever quickened her pulse” and lamented about whether she’d ever feel that way about someone, and I think this is probably the point at which most readers took away that she might be asexual.

But, like...

Thorn is the only man who produces intense and consistent physical reactions in her.

Also, if you look at the [323] quote above, he did in fact get her pulse up. Just saying.

Rather than label her as purely asexual or even being on the spectrum, we could instead speculate that, as a Reader, she’s experienced to some degree love in all its forms through countless objects and perhaps she can’t help having this reaction to love and intimacy. I’m not trying to be cynical or pessimistic, but love can be treacherous and people are driven to do all kinds of terrible things for it or because of it. As wonderful as love is despite that, it seems likely that Ophelia has simply decided it’s not something she wants to navigate. Or she just hadn’t met someone yet who was worth all that trouble.

I’ll Close With This:

“You’re free,” whispered Ophelia. “Free to go, free to stay. I won’t make you leave one cage for another one, although, as you’ve seen, I really don’t live in great security. I decided your fate without taking time to think, or to speak to you. I was selfish…and I still am. […] I still am because, deep down, I would like you to choose to remain by my side. I know that apologizing can no longer change anything, but anyway: forgive me.” [135]

Ophelia says this to Fox after rescuing him from the dungeons of Clairdelune and taking him on as an assistant. Now, when I read this, I couldn’t help but think that it’s precisely the apology Ophelia wants to hear from Thorn. Yet, here she is, guilty of doing to someone the very thing she holds against him. Isn’t it funny how hypocrisy and love are such good friends? As we know, articulation and eloquence are not Thorn’s strengths and some of Ophelia’s aversion to him is based around her inability to accept this part of him. 

Eventually, Thorn does make, more or less, the same apology.

“I should never have involved you in my affairs. I knew it would be dangerous. I convinced myself that I had the situation under control, and that mistake almost cost you your life. […] There is one thing that I have tried to tell you several times. I’m no good at these formalities, so let’s get on with it and speak no more of it. […] Please forgive me.” [444-45]

Strangely, she barely acknowledges this; she’s too busy having an epiphany.

At that second, she finally knew with absolute certainty where her place was. It wasn’t in the Pole, it wasn’t on Anima. It was precisely where she was now. At Thorn’s side. [445]

Well, perhaps this isn’t so strange since the novel starts off posing the question to this answer.

Deep down, Ophelia wondered where exactly her first home might be. Since she’d arrived at the Pole, she’d already visited Berenilde’s manor, the Clairdelune embassy, and her fiancés Treasury, and she hadn’t felt at home in any of them. [24]

The theme of home and belonging permeates this novel in a more central way than its predecessor. Ophelia is repeatedly confronted by it, but it’s also echoed in Farouk’s obsession with the Reading of his Book and finding out where he comes from and what happened in his past. When her family arrives from Anima, she sees the Pole and Thorn through their eyes. She ends up defending both from their disapproving remarks and in doing so, she realizes that she has ceased thinking of Anima as her home.

Life in the Pole was like that: wherever one went, whatever one did, danger was part of daily life. And yet, Ophelia reflected, she didn’t hate it that much, that life. [280]

Thorn’s apology seals the deal: she understands now that she was mistaken. Home is not a place. People, those who love you and who you love in return, give a home meaning. Belonging, likewise, is only made possible by the people who accept you and give you a place among them. It’s been hard-won, but she’s found both in the Pole, in Thorn and Berenilde. Her lack of a direct response to Thorn’s words suggests that she’s already forgiven him, that it matters less to her that he struggles with communication, that she’s finally accepted him for who he is and, better still, found him lovable despite that.

If we read Thorn as having ASD, then this intense dynamic between them is a positive treatment of mental/social disorders in fiction, which is really the only point I had to make with this entire thing.

Where Does Ophelia End?

I asked this question in my last analysis. Based off of the fact that, when we left her in Promise, she was experiencing some serious discomfort in body and soul directly connected to Thorn, I predicted/semi-already-knew that she would evolve toward him.

At one point, Ophelia loses the ability to pass through mirrors. We understand that it’s because she’s been lying to herself; after all, her great-uncle made it very clear that mirror-traveling is impossible under such a circumstance. It’s ironic because, by her own admission, she’s a “bad actress” [161] and, according to her mother, “was never any good at lying” [157].

She’s just so stubborn, isn’t she? It’s gratifying then to read when Ophelia overcomes it. Thorn makes a public announcement, cancelling his marriage, refusing to Read Farouk’s Book, and handing in his resignation as Treasurer. He does this to protect Ophelia and her family from imminent danger but at risk to his own welfare and position. He’s basically committing suicide, which very nearly turns literal at novel’s end. Ophelia can only think to go to him by the quickest means possible.

She looked straight at her determined face, beyond its scratches and bruises, finally ready to face that truth that she hadn’t wanted to see. It wasn’t Thorn who needed her. It was she who needed Thorn. Ophelia plunged, body and soul, into the mirror. [416]

I don’t think I need to spell that out.

Thorn and His Watch

To go on a little bit of a tangent, I also wanted to touch on the watch.

I believe it was mentioned in Promise that the watch had been a gift from Berenilde, which is so precious. Berenilde is the only true parental figure Thorn has known. She used her status and wealth to protect and care for him, and seems to understand him as only a mother--one with a child the rest of the world refuses to accept--can. I thought her reaction to Thorn’s suicidal announcement was especially devastating.

She had begun to shake so hard that Agatha rushed to take the baby from her arms. Bent double in her chair, as though punched in the stomach, Berenilde looked imploringly at Ophelia. “I beg you. Don’t abandon my boy.” [412]

Keep in mind that Berenilde has outlived her three biological children, none of whom survived past childhood. Thorn is such a lonely figure that it’s easy to forget he comes from somewhere. But Berenilde’s reminder to us is clear: he’s not the child of his Dragon father nor of his Chronicler mother. Thorn is her child, and she’s terrified of losing him like the others.

While there can be no doubt of her sentiment toward Thorn, it’s entirely likely that Berenilde foisted much of her maternal grief, trauma, and longing onto him without his express permission; he never seems to regard her with any particular filial warmth. Then again, he once attacked Archibald in defense of Berenilde’s honor, after he seduced her away from Farouk, and Ophelia later notes that he “suspended an investigation and jumped into an airship” to be near to Berenilde when she went into labor with her daughter [373]. Thorn is clearly defined rather more by his actions than his words. But the point is Berenilde is the one who gave Thorn his sense of belonging, and I just adore that.

Metaphorically speaking, the watch represents Thorn’s heart, which was given to him by his mother figure and which he gives to Ophelia as a token of his love and trustworthiness. Indeed, it’s even called a “mechanical heart” [156]. Ophelia has Read one of Thorn’s possessions before (dice) and was overwhelmed by the fury and breadth of his emotions. If she were to Read his watch, she’d probably die. Every time he digs it out of his pocket to look at it, to hold it, to fiddle with it, he’s engraving some emotional signature or trace onto it. Ophelia ultimately decides not to Read it.

“Before you go, I would like to return this to you. You need it more than me, and, in any case, I won’t read it. I’ve chosen to trust you—you, not your watch.” [285]

Her words have a profound effect on Thorn, rendering him totally speechless and maybe more confused than ever. At any rate, he misreads the situation and catches Ophelia off guard with an awkward kiss. It’s kind of a heartbreaking scene, because Ophelia simply reacts (by slapping him) and is genuinely baffled that he took her words for encouragement. I don’t necessarily take this to be evidence of her asexuality. I don’t discredit it by any means, but it just feels more like she was taken by surprise.

The thing is, for perhaps the first time ever in his life, he actively desired for someone to know his true heart and to trust in his sincerity, which is why he gave the watch to her in the first place. In his defense, this was quite a pretty and irresistible thing for Ophelia to tell him and I don’t think she’s as put off as she wants to be.

With ears burning and glasses crimson, Ophelia stared at the faded letters on the old wooden panel—“STAFF ONLY”—as if Thorn might, at any moment, retrace his steps, take back his kiss, and leave his fob watch with her, as she’d suggested in the first place. [286]

It’s funny. She wants to erase the uncomfortable physical side of the incident, but she also wants to retain his metaphorical heart. I mean, yes, it’s broken because of some careless action on her part and she asked for it back so her great-uncle could try to fix it. But still. It’s hard to ignore the metaphor there as well: if the heart watch has changed from beating to broken and she wants to hold onto the broken heart watch to try to mend it…

Well, good Lord, it’s just so obvious, isn’t it?

End

Well, that’s about it. As I said, I really only had the one main thought and then a bunch of smaller ones. 

I just learned—and am seriously devastated—that The Memory of Babel won’t be released in the U.S. until May 2020. I’m hoping this is a tentative date and that it will be available sooner.

In the meantime, if someone could upload a PDF that I could then spend days plugging in to Google Translate (again), that’d be super greeeeaaaat…

For part III, head here.

[citizenaycock]

Persona (1966) | Directed and Written by Ingmar Bergman

(preferable trailer over original from Austin Film Society)

Film Intro and Purpose for Page

Heady Times = Heady Films!...and we’re all wearing masks right now, literal and metaphorical. To start off my new page I’m going to begin at the tippy top with Ingmar Bergman’s Persona, the “Mount Everest of Film Analysis”, which has been described as creating even more contradictions when trying to analyze it.    It was made in 1965 in Sweden and is commonly in conversation as one of the greatest films of all time.  Bergman died at his home where he filmed Persona on July 30, 2007. This was also my first day ever to visit Los Angeles, right before moving here the following month. I remember seeing it on the LA local news while staying at a beach hotel with my Mom.  I don’t know how I remember it so clearly but I can see that room now, in my head, and the news anchor looking into the camera.  It’s also worth mentioning that Michelangelo Antonioni, the Italian filmmaker, died on the same day.  Two giants of cinema.   I rewatched Persona late last night and took a copious amount of notes. I first saw this film 7 or 8 years ago and then twice recently. This entry will be more lengthy than future ones because I naturally felt the need to be more specific with this particular film...I wanted to have a fighting chance at semi-understanding it.  I will only look something up if absolutely necessary for factual purposes. Although (full disclosure) the “Mount Everest of Film Analysis” title was taken from the first paragraph on the film’s Wikipedia. This was before I decided exhaustive searches about film historians’ perspectives would just be too much for these posts.  Instead, I will focus on my unique thoughts and perspective about the film and what I feel is valid.     

After filling my head with Persona I went to bed. I then dreamt that I was in a writers’ room with filmmaker Paul Thomas Anderson (who is one of my favorite filmmakers and will turn up on this page soon).  We began talking about his film The Master. I remember feeling frustrated in the dream that I couldn’t think of anything clever to say about it in front of him. He told me that films sometimes just fold in together in unexpected ways, almost by luck.  This prompted me to finish his sentence by saying that films sometimes generate these unplanned illuminating interpretations that are endless. He agreed with me, which felt good, even though in reality I was speaking for Paul because he was just a character in my dream...or possibly something outside the grasp of my conscious mind spoke for him/me.

So why start with Persona? Why start this page?? Because I am fascinated by the mystery of great films and believe there is transformation and understanding when one attempts to decipher "works of art” like this.  Plus, it’s fun for me and a rewarding challenge to complete. Mulholland Drive was my big bang moment (influenced by Persona) and I have been hooked on digging into these type of films ever since.  I’m also a filmmaker that has been working on a Short for the past year (which has been grueling) and feel I can improve my own filmmaking abilities by  breaking down these masterpieces in my own words. My goal is to attempt not to stray too far from what is objectively being shown while also using my own knowledge of what I think the filmmakers are trying to say...or, even better, DIDN’T know they were trying to say.  And I’m sure writing about the metacognitive nature of this particular film will reveal a lot about myself, which is what great cinema inspires.   

Enigmatic Opening

The film fades in and we are inside a film projector. Images begin to flash quickly and chaotically.  I will mention some below:   -A penis.  -An animated female character upside down that eventually holds her breasts.  -A silent era movie chase scene of a skeleton coming out of a chest, and then dracula chasing a man in his pajamas.  He fearfully jumps in bed and throws the covers over himself.  Is it just a dream?   -A closeup of a sheep being slaughtered, bleeding out. -Screen flashes white to a shot of Jesus’ hand being nailed to the cross, which to me resembles the tarantula that flashed earlier.   -Cuts to a quiet forrest, then sharp tops of a metal fence and next a dirty snowpile in front of a building... Why are we being shown this? I believe this opening operates like a dream.  Are these images preparing our unconscious for what we see later? It’s impossible to know exactly unless some detailed external commentary is given.  I remember reading Roger Ebert saying the sequence was Bergman stating he is creating a new type of cinema, expressing this by starting in the projector and ending in the projector.  This never crossed my mind while watching.

-An old woman dead on a table possibly in a morgue, then a man. -A phone rings.  The dead women suddenly opens her eyes. -A boy opens his eyes, waking up.  He puts on his glasses as the phone continues to ring and opens a book and begins reading.  He then looks into the camera at us (a motif for certain moments in the film, especially for Elisabet).  -Next, a reverse shot which reveals he is looking at a screen that covers the wall.  It’s a striking image as the music crescendoes.  The screen reveals what looks to be an unrecognizable woman that keeps blurring and morphing.  The boy touches the screen in a way that I interpret as yearning. Then it becomes clear the women’s faces on the screen are the main characters that we will soon meet and spend the film with, Alma and Elisabet. Their faces are blending into one another, but it is still not extremely clear.  I had to go back and rewatch this part to verify if it was actually them. “Not extremely clear” is a theme throughout the film.  Who is who? What is a dream and what is not? This motif of faces and masks.  Insecurities about what to show and what to hide, which I think was my main, simplified takeaway from the movie after the first watch.   Predeterminism is also something that keeps popping in my head after watching.  Alma cannot hide from Elisabet.  Elisabet always seems to know at key moments. The Conscious cannot hide from the Unconscious.  The Swiss psychologist Carl Jung was a large inspiration for this film and the term persona is his term in the context aligning with the film.

Then the title page quickly flashes, along with the boy in glasses again, then the two main female characters, all in individual closeups.   This film is shot in 4:3 aspect ratio, which is conducive to faces and the two female characters have amazing faces with the help of the naturalistic cinematography of Sven Nykvist. Below is a couple of quotes I found beautiful by Bergman regarding the human face:

The music is amazing here too at the opening...percussion and xylophone with chaotic crescendos, which seem way ahead of its time.  

And is this boy shown, Bergman himself?...putting on his glasses, with childlike curiosity, yearning, awakening to this experience of making this novel film and what it will tell him? 

Alma and Elisabet Meet

We are at a hospital.  The Doctor informs the Nurse, Alma, that the patient, Elisabet, has stopped speaking.  She is an actress that became mute in the middle of a performance on stage playing Electra and has continued not speaking for 3 months.  (”Electra Complex” is a Jungian term that is the female version of the Oedipal Complex.) Alma anxiously enters Elisabet’s room and introduces herself saying she’s 25 years old and grew up on a farm in the country.  Elisabet looks away.   Alma later tells the doctor in the hallway that she can not help her and “may not be up to the task mentally”.  In my opinion, Alma’s insecurity with her mental faculties is a huge part of the film, possibly because she’s unaware and/or unwilling to see her full Self.    Alma goes back in the room and blurts out that she doesn’t understand films and theatre but has great admiration for artists and is impressed by Elisabet, who then embraces her.  Elisabet possibly needed this validation. Alma soon leaves the room after turning on the radio with symphony music. A closeup of Elisabet reveals how deeply she feels this music. Liv Ullmann (actress playing Elisabet) has such deep eyes that are able to convey so much as tears subtly well up. She eventually exhales and turns away from the camera and radio.  These moments occur with Elisabet throughout the film where she shows this sensitivity and understanding of something outside of the sphere of what is going on between Alma and herself.  For example, soon we see her in the bare hospital room (beautifully and minimally lit) reacting to news coverage of the Vietnam War.  The TV shows a monk that has set himself on fire in protest.  This backs Elisabet all the way up into the corner of the room, gasping with her hand over her mouth and in closeup it’s evident she feels so much of what’s she’s watching...and I felt it deeply too.  

In the scene prior, Alma is shown sitting on her bed in her nightgown (possibly talking to the camera first, then herself) about how she will get married, raise her kids and how everything is “decided” for her, predetermined. Several phrases that she uses during this self-assuring scene: “It is inside of me”, “Already written”, “I don’t even have to think about it.”   Which to me, is a stark contrast to who Elisabet is...a mother who has left her family, who does not accept her reality and who wants more. Yet, Alma now is sleepless also, sorting this out aloud, as if coming back into herself because Elisabet has perplexed and disrupted her.  Elisabet fascinates her. She admires Elisabet. Elisabet has introduced this mystery into Alma’s life now and is living in her thoughts.

The Doctor Speaks to Elisabet

I’m not sure what others have said about this scene, but in the moment while watching, I found it to be the most revealing, door-opening of the film.  I think it is because the Doctor speaks with such clarity and assurance. It is a more literal explanation of what is happening with Elisabet and a lot of the other scenes do not reveal themselves so easily.  You have to chew on them a bit.   The Doctor is older, integrated, in contrast to the two younger fragmented leads. The Doctor recommends Elisabet and Alma move in to her summer home next to the sea instead of staying at the hospital. She says it will be better for Elisabet there.  She then says she understands the chasm inside of Elisabet and also the deep chasm between Elisabet and others.  The Doctor continues by saying that this feeling of falseness and lies and the constant hunger to be “unmasked” is causing this paralysis of speech.  Elisabet is still, carefully listening. Apparently the Doctor is onto something. The close-up two shot during this scene is also a motif that recurs throughout the film. Sometimes the two shots are not exactly like this but very similar. The Doctor is fully lit.  Elisabet is half-lit, in shadow on the side closest to the camera.   I wonder if this half-shadow lighting is connected to Jung’s term, shadow. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a literal, overt expression in the cinematography.  The shadow is defined as an unconscious aspect of the personality which the conscious ego does not identify in itself. Jung goes on to say that the shadow is often negative, because it is the least desirable aspects within oneself that has been conveniently ignored or rejected...because it’s uncomfortable to face (no pun intended). This is an accurate description regarding the characters. Alma also displays this rejection of the shadow multiple times that I will point out later. The Doctor then mentions Elisabet should play out this scenario until it is no longer interesting and then she can drop it, like a role.  Perhaps the Doctor says this to use a vernacular Elisabet will understand, but also connecting her condition to the mute persona Elisabet has now acquired.

The Summer House

It's amazing how much Bergman packs in to the first 22 minutes!

Alma and Elisabet are now at the summer house alone together, enjoying themselves in this isolated spot near the sea.  Alma grew up a farm girl, so is accustomed to this “rural seclusion”.  Elisabet’s coldness and indifference has seemed to disappear, moving out of the sterile hospital room to this new setting. The two sit together outside and go through mushrooms they’ve picked, both with similar style hats (light and dark) as they subtly hum a tune in unison.  Elisabet then compares her palms with Alma’s.  Alma grins and says it’s bad luck to compare hands.   The two are now on the rocky beach in their swimsuits. The beach is quite bleak, looks uncomfortable to lounge on and a bit other-worldly.  Alma reads a passage aloud from a book she’s reading, meditating on the “anxiety of the earthly condition”, perhaps something she thinks Elisabet will find profound. Elisabet takes this in, is moved and agrees with the existential description.  Alma however doesn’t agree, nor seems to fully comprehend what she’s read.   In the house now.  Alma has several moments where she begins to open up to Elisabet but then second-guesses herself, self-conscious of what the mute “artist” might think. And Elisabet IS hard to read.  She seems to me bored and distant at times, then lovingly engaged and listening.  Alma now smokes because Elisabet does and both dress similarly in black.

Alma continues to open up even more. A silent companion only leaves room for one talker.  Who is the patient now?  The camera angle features Alma’s speaking face in the foreground blocking Elisabet’s; one head blending together.  It’s as if Alma is discovering things about herself for the first time...about her chosen profession as a nurse and a past relationship.  The conversation moves to the bedroom.  Both are in their night gowns.  Alma tells a long, detailed story about an orgy on a beach involving her friend and two boys that approached them while they sunbathed nude. Elisabet is sitting up in the bed and Alma sits in a chair. Elisabet shows a few signs of pulling away due to Alma’s gregariousness and wears a cool “been there done that” expression, but as the story continues she becomes focused, still, and calculating.  If I had to guess, this sexual experience of Alma’s is the most intense event of her life. She had cheated on the man she is now engaged to and is so vulnerable here in her confession. The acting by Bibi Andersson is superb.  Alma ended up pregnant and had an abortion.  She weeps with guilt.     Is Alma’s mask fully off, revealing too much, bare to the bone?  What does Elisabet really think about all this? Is she “gaining” from this somehow?

They move to the dining table again in the other room. It’s raining outside.  Alma is loose and drunk, in a manner one is after a huge confession.  She again announces her inferiority, saying how boring she must be to Elisabet and what use she could possibly be to her. She also says that she should be more like Elisabet and not talk. Alma then points out how they look alike and she could turn into her if she made the effort. Then she says, “You could turn yourself into me just like that.  Although your soul would be much too big.  It would stick out everywhere!” My favorite lines of the film.  Alma then puts her head down on the table as if to sleep.  Elisabet then speaks for the only time in the film, telling Alma to go to bed before she falls asleep at the table.  Alma looks up blankly, puts her head back down, then pops up again and repeats what Elisabet just said.  Was it just a thought or did Elisabet actually speak?  Does Alma flirt here with Elisabet when saying good night? It looks like it.  

Alma’s Awakening

The bedroom is foggy.  Alma gets a glass of water then lies down in bed. Elisabet walks up the hallway into the bedroom, looking at Alma then into the white room around the corner. She then turns back.  A horn from a boat blows ominously outside in the night sea.  A slight breeze moves a white transparent curtain in the doorway.  Alma raises as if summoned, goes to Elisabet and leans her head on her wearily.  Then the iconic shot of the the two looking into the camera at us.  Elisabet places her hand on Alma’s forehead moves it back over her hair as if this is allowing Alma to “see” now, an awakening...Elisabet being the guide. Is this an opening of the third eye? It may be a stretch, but it crossed my mind.  The two actresses are so beautiful here, softly lit from above, and fold into each other afterwards like an integrated yin and yang as picture fades to black.  The music reminds me of Hitchcock’s and I’m not sure I like it, but the moment is indeed powerful. Did Alma dream this?  Does it matter?

Chaos

Picture fades back in and Elisabet greets us on the rocky beach.  She enters frame from below, taking a picture of us with a stills camera.  Alma is in the distant background next to the shore.  Elisabet walks to her and takes a photo of Alma as she clumsily poses.  Alma coldly asks Elisabet if she was in her room last night.  Elisabet shakes her head no and shows no sign of lying.  

Later in the house, Alma takes the mail to sent be sent off and has to take a drive to do this.  In the car, she opens up Elisabet’s letter to the Doctor in curiosity.  The first part of the letter is complimentary to the living situation and Alma, but then Elisabet writes, “it’s fun studying her (Alma) and how she cries over past sins.”  The letter also mentions Alma’s orgy and the abortion and says how she “complains that her notions of life fail to accord with her actions”.  Alma is stunned and gets out of the car.  She stands stolidly dressed all in black next to a murky pond looking at her reflection in wide shot. 

Alma is back at the house now in a black swimsuit with a grave look on her face.  This expression was nowhere to be found until this point in the film.  Outside she breaks a glass on accident and begins sweeping it up.  She notices she missed a large piece, but leaves it after seeing Elisabet coming outside.  The camera moves from the piece of glass as Elisabet’s bare feet pass by it, then back up to a watchful Alma.  Again, camera fixed on the piece of glass as Elisabet narrowly misses it and tilts back up to a silent Alma. Eventually, Elisabet steps on it, making a painful sound in response.    Alma watches from inside the house with a hard scowl behind a transparent curtain.  Elisabet stares back with a concerned, furrowed brow as if she knows what Alma did. A violent sound effect comes in along with a literal splitting of the picture, a deep transition within the film and the character of Alma.  She has crossed a line.

My first impression of the sound effect is it’s a film spool that is hung up in the machine...like the film has broken (similar to the glass) after Alma committed this act (or non-act).  The shot then literally burns up, starting on Alma’s face to a quiet white screen.  This effect would have seemed cheesy in almost in other film, but I think it works here.  It is simple and clear and connects to the meta, self-reflexive nature of the film.

Everything has changed now. Alma's insecurities have caused her to become darkened.  Her sought-after approval from Elisabet has been betrayed by the letter to the Doctor. She has lost herself and taken on a new protective persona. Or has she found power (even though misdirected) after her awakening? Pain leading to growth in her cycle?   What is for sure now is she is very far from the sweet, unsure nurse we saw at the beginning of the film. 

A voice in reverse is heard now (an effect David Lynch must have gleamed for Twin Peaks). We are again shown images similar to the opening of the film... the vampire, the skeleton, a spike going into Jesus’ hand accompanied by a disturbing scream and an extreme closeup on a shifty eyeball that the camera pushes in on... What do the eyes say and can the camera uncover it? Can we see the soul if the camera looks into the eye close enough? Camera fades in to Elisabet walking around the house, picture blurred and in slow motion, which eventually becomes focused and at normal speed.  She exits the house and goes outside looking for Alma. Eventually she finds her and touches Alma’s cheek with sweet, subtle affection and sits down to read. Alma is dressed in all black with dark black sunglasses. She acts cool and distant and lurks around behind a sitting Elisabet, poking at her with words and becoming visibly more upset and restless by the moment.  She soon loses the facade saying she feels used and discarded (like the Doctor explained Elisabet’s “acting role”). Alma continues saying she has been hurt very badly and laughed at behind her back.  She then confesses she read the letter to the Doctor and accuses Elisabet of getting her to talk and mention things she’s never mentioned to anyone! Alma pleads for Elisabet to speak.  The argument becomes violent.  Elisabet slaps Alma and bloodies her nose.  The two stop.  Elisabet begins to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation.  I thought Alma might join in with the laughter here but she does the opposite and runs into the bathroom crying.  She is so sensitive about being laughed at at this point that the internal turmoil just increases. After a while, Alma reenters the room calm and raw. She asks Elisabet if being truly genuine, telling the truth, not evading things, truly being oneself...sloppy and silly...can this be possible?  She says Elisabet might get better if she just allows herself to be what she is.  Elisabet smokes her cigarette, cooly facing the opposite direction and doesn’t react or show much at all.  Alma is unsatisfied with the lack of reciprocity and says angrily she knows how rotten Elisabet really is.  This strikes a nerve with Elisabet and she storms out.  Alma immediately feels regret and asks God what she is doing, then runs after her.

A long, beautiful tracking shot along the rocky beach as Alma chases after Elisabet apologizing profusely.  She says how honored she was for an actress of her caliber to be interested in what she had to say, but then how hurt she felt because she was betrayed in the letter.  Alma “blabbers on”.  Elisabet eventually turns as if she might embrace Alma, but coldly walks away.  To me, it was as if the mask was projecting one thing, creating a pause in Alma, thinking that an embrace might occur, then Elisabet’s action doing another thing, walking away coldly.  An example of the mask not connecting with the action. Alma falls to the rocky beach, distraught.

The next shot, in stark contrast, Alma is sitting serenely near the shore.  Elisabet is in the house, pacing with a cigarette, looking out the window (that reminds me so much of a shot in Woody Allen’s “Interiors”).  There is a deep anticipating heaviness that Bergman is masterfully able to create here with the help of the music.  Elisabet shows more emotion here than usual.  Is it because she is alone and no one is there to observe her? She shows visible sadness again soon after, alone in her bedroom. She then comes across a photo in a book. It is of Jewish children being lined up by the Nazis in World War II. Her sadness becomes deeper and focused, maximized by the horror-enducing music accompanying.  Elisabet’s empathetic contemplation here is similar to when she was at the hospital watching the burning monk in the Vietnam War news footage.   Closeup on the picture, which is of a young boy with his hands up as a gun is pointed at him.  The camera then cuts to various other closeups, bouncing around the photo examining every face...every mask.

What is Bergman trying to tell us here?  This may be a stretch, but my first thoughts were that Bergman is briefly pointing at something universal which includes all human psychological underpinnings.  It is connected to our two protagonists in the film and what 's happening with them psychologically, but for moment looking beyond them, silently illuminating the potential evil (the shadow) within all human beings.  That the fear of truly living without a mask can create such a sickness in man that one is potentially able to create this type of destruction towards others.  That instead of facing oneself honestly, being whatever it is that you are, that a mental illness can form and the persona can fully take over.  That one can become so identified with the persona of being a “Nazi” that they would point a gun at a “Jewish” child.

Again, back to the psychologist Carl Jung who looked to Eastern philosophy often as a reference for his work.  In Eastern philosophy there is a common belief that under the mask is the godhead within each individual.  To repeat from earlier, Jung believed the mask (or persona) was not the true self and could keep us from a much deeper, truer self which included a unified “collective unconscious” that all humans share.  Opposed to a healthy mask essential for social life, if it completely overtakes the godhead (or the true self) chaos ensues within that individual because one is also identifying everyone else solely based on their masks.  Divinity can no longer be seen in ones’ fellow man or woman.  All humanity towards others can potentially be thrown out the window because of this difference in “mask” and atrocities can occur because of the dual nature of this thinking, rather than a unifying recognition of a collective unconscious in the “other”. And if there are enough individuals, disconnected from the godhead/true self,  you get Nazis killing Jews. ALL mask. ALL persona.   And no recognition of the holy selfhood in others, which ultimately stems from fear, blinding the individual... And taking us back to the film of our two fearful protagonists where the persona is being focused upon.   

Does Elisabet understand all of this yet is unable to change herself? Or is her silence a rejection of the mask, a rebellion to conform and/or an attempt to get better? I don’t know.

We cut to Alma now in her bedroom and she is having a bad dream, shaking her head violently side to side.  She wakes up and turns on a portable radio.  Through the static it says “we don’t talk...listen...or understand”, then the voice says something about “Elisabet” and “by what means should...to enable.” Is the radio representative of her conscious mind tuning in to another frequency?  I see no other reason for the radio that randomly appears out of the blue. We then see Alma going into Elisabet’s room, who is asleep.  Alma begins watching her, smelling her, taking her in and even touches her face. She comments aloud how Elisabet’s face is slack and her mouth is swollen and ugly, then points out a wrinkle. She also mentions she can see a scar that Elisabet normally covers with makeup.  Alma seems to relish in the fact she sees her this way, with her guard down and is able to feel superior in this moment.  Alma hears a voice from another room that says “Elisabet” and leaves.  Is it the radio from a few moments before?  Elisabet then opens her eyes and looks into the camera again at us.  She was not asleep. She was acting like she was sleeping.  Even when Alma thought she was superior, Elisabet was still conscious.  Perhaps because the unconscious never sleeps and Elisabet is representative of the unconscious.     

"Elisabet” and Mr. Vogler

This next part becomes the most surreal and hardest to understand in my opinion.  It is dawn now.  Alma walks through the house, then is startled by Mr. Vogler, Elisabet’s husband.  He calls Alma “Elisabet” and begins explaining how this has been hard on their little boy and continues further about their relationship.  Alma once again says she is not his wife, as Elisabet creeps up from behind fixated on Mr. Vogler, lurking behind Alma’s shoulder in a two-shot closeup.  Elisabet then guides Alma’s hand up to caress Mr.Vogler’s face, like Alma is her puppet.  He is a strange, stern looking man with dark sunglasses. Alma now is under the spell that this is her husband, and says she loves him very much. We’re now watching in a reverse shot with Elisabet in the foreground, looking upset, as the other two are professing their love for one another.  Alma moves her gaze to Elisabet in a conniving way and continues with Mr. Vogler in spite of Elisabet and they kiss. This is one of the most puzzling parts of the film to me and I found myself, mentally, wanting to check out.  I had to consciously will myself to pay close attention and try to decode this. I think because it smashed the narrative I currently had going in my head of what I thought the film was.  It’s as if Alma is now a vessel controlled by Elisabet, but why? Alma seems to be unaware of Elisabet, then aware. Is it because Alma, who adores Elisabet, can now see what it's like to be in her shoes?  Is Elisabet upset because Alma is now privy to this? I think there is also a deeper subtext throughout the film where Alma is representative of the “conscious” and Elisabet the “unconscious”, which is running parallel to what is literally being shown, yet sometimes they blend like a dream.  I’ve mentioned this once and is worth mentioning again.   Alma/Elisabet and Mr. Vogler are laying down now and it seems they have just made love.  Alma/Elisabet soon goes from tender to a violent struggle asking to be anesthetized! She cries saying she is cold and rotten and indifferent, “all lies and imitation”.  The camera moves to an extreme closeup on Elisabet and fades to white.   Does Alma clearly see Elisabet now?  Was Alma able to break through Elisabet’s persona and truly feel what it was like for her with her husband and why they are estranged? Or it could very well be Elisabet detaching herself from the past experience and processing it this way as we see things from her point of view.  And rather than Bergman showing a flashback with Elisabet and Mr. Vogler, he presents it this way with Alma standing in? I keep asking these questions because I feel the questions are more important than the answers.  A film that just gives answers is not a film I am interested in seeing.  If answers are the most important thing then one should just read the dictionary and not watch Persona.    

Alma Strengthened?

It is daylight now.  Mr. Vogler is nowhere to be found.  The scene starts as almost a complete nosequitar to what just occured. Alma sees Elisabet hiding something under her hand and makes her show what it is, like a student being disciplined by a teacher.  It is a picture of Elisabet’s child. Alma asks her to talk about it. Elisabet shakes her head no, so Alma speaks for her.   Alma’s attitude is similar to the Doctor’s now and is dressed exactly like Elisabet.  Both have been in black most of the time, but now it is exactly matching, up to the detail of the black headband.    So why is it important they dress in black?  There must a reason, or several. I’ve seen some far out interpretations of what this film is, so I’m going to take a swing regarding a possible reason why this deep black is worn by the characters a majority of the time.    Both are in a state of “dying”.  Not in the physical sense, but psychologically...a chaos, a putrefaction (alchemy term).  It doesn’t necessarily mean something so simple as “black is negative”/“white is positive”, but chaos/putrefaction/psychological death is an essential stage in life as fragmented reality occurs.  It is impossible to stay in the light all the time.  We are human.  We are foulable beings tossed out of the Garden of Eden.  We become confused, tragedy occurs, we become fearful. This is what life is and it’s inevitable.   In this film’s case, unity does not reign but a duality of “Alma” and “Elisabet”, who must pass through this stage in the cycle in order to become unified and “in the light” again (atleast that’s the goal).  The film is at a point in their lives in which chaos reigns, for reasons I’ve previously highlighted regarding the shadow, persona and self.  And Carl Jung was very well-versed in Alchemy and it’s metaphors, as I assume Bergman was as well.  Also, perhaps this connects to the morgue and skeleton during the beginning sequence

This is the most still and confident we have seen Alma in the film. Alma now begins to speak Elisabet’s story to Elisabet. This begins with a comment someone made to Elisabet at a party telling her that she had everything as a woman and an artist but lacked motherliness. Elisabet, in turn, then became pregnant. Elisabet next felt frightened, in over her head regarding all that pregnancy and motherhood required of her, but she “played the role”, put on the persona as a Mother. As Alma speaks, this is the most emotion Elisabet has shown in front of Alma the entire film, looking away, furrowing her brow, half-lit, terrified and found out!  Alma continues, saying Elisabet had wished the baby would’ve been stillborn and a deep shame washes over Elisabet as she ducks her head.  Alma is vicious, continuing on about how much Elisabet despised the baby, how it cried day and night and how she was scared with a bad conscience. The boy eventually went to live with relatives and Elisabet went back to the theatre.  The boy loves his mother greatly, but Elisabet is always cold and indifferent...disgusted by him. The scene then starts over again, but with an over-the-shoulder shot onto Alma this time.  The exact same dialogue is repeated and we have to again hear this painful dressing down of Elisabet and her resentful relationship with her son.    The over-the-shoulder shot turns into two 1-shots, the same as with Elisabet the first time.  Alma is also half-lit and I don’t think she ever blinks (which made me think of Paul Thomas Anderson’s film The Master scene at the table but between two men.)

After Alma finishes (on a straight-ahead closeup) Elisabet’s face begin to take up the darkly lit half of Alma’s and she says, “No! I’m not like you”, “I’m Sister Alma, I’m just here to help you.”   The two faces are now one.  Duality to Unity. Both face-halfs are now in the light.   Elisabet’s half appears and disappears a few times and then appears fully with punctuating music at the end of the scene, freeze-framing before fading to gray.  It is striking how well their faces actually match up.

Obviously I’m going to expand on what I think happened here. Alma has entered Elisabet’s head so deeply, she was able to intuit this dark story about Elisabet and all of the unflattering details.  Alma had to suffer to get to this point in order to enter Elisabet’s mind.  And her entry is so intense she begins to lose herself.  Her self-assuredness then quickly turns back to the vulnerable, scared Alma from before.   Is this for the best Elisabet hears this?  I kept thinking while watching that a regular moviegoer would interpret this as overly harsh by Alma.   But it is also Elisabet becoming fully aware of why she decided to become pregnant in the first place and the subsequent emotional damage caused to her son.  It then covers up to the point where she becomes mute during the Electra play.  Elisabet needed Alma in order to get to this point of realization, as painful as it might’ve been.

A Standoff and Enigmatic Ending

We open on a 1-shot of Elisabet and a quick close-up catching a glimmer of defiance as Alma enters the room with her nurse’s outfit on now. Alma attempts to match her defiance and a stareoff ensues.   Alma says she’s learned quite a bit and physically punches forward directly in front of an unflinching Elisabet.  Alma then leans in and says she will never be like Elisabet (denying the shadow) and says she changes all the time and Elisabet will never get to her. 

Another stareoff. Soon Alma breaks and begins nervously hitting the table.  

I have thought about this scene moreso than any other scene after watching the film.  To me, there is so much to unpack.  Alma is never able to get a leg up on Elisabet for very long.  Again, I think this reinforces the metaphor that the conscious is unable to escape the unconscious. The same as a human being unable to escape the eye of God.  This is why pre-determination was mentioned at the beginning of this post.  If we are following this logic, Alma is predetermined not to gain a mental edge on Elisabet.  She’s not formed to have the depth that someone like Elisabet has, no matter how much she’s “learned” or the mask she has tried to maintain.  Elisabet knows her thoughts and has the mental ability to consume her and Alma knows this and it manifests in this anxious pounding on the table.   Alma somewhat regains composure in her face but her words are gibberish nonsequitars...almost poetic but too garbled.  Elisabet turns around and is in the foreground of a closeup 2-shot and mouths her words as if she is controlling what’s coming out of Alma’s mouth.  Her mouth does not sync with the words but it does convey that Elisabet is in control. Alma continues to struggle, trying with all her might to articulate what she wants to say. But the gibberish continues, as if two minds are battling one another and Elisabet is winning, silent and calm, while Alma strains to squeeze out meaning verbally with little luck. Then, something revealing occurs... Elisabet runs her nails down the inside of Alma’s forearm until drawing blood, then goes down and begins sucking the blood like a vampire.  Eventually Alma fights her off and begins slapping her repeatedly until it cuts to black.  I did accidentally stumble across an article by BFI (British Film Institute) that states Bergman intentionally took Elisabet’s surname (Vogler) from a film called “The Magician” involving a character who was an artist that sapped the energies of others for his artistic gain.  This makes sense because, as mentioned, Elisabet has used her mental energy to consume Alma by essentially playing the role as the mute patient. I don’t think this was an elaborate plan on Elisabet’s part, but kind of fell in her lap and she went with it.    Also, due to the meta-nature of the film (inside the film projector, characters looking into the lens, etc) is Bergman also implicating himself?  This film is very aware of itself and makes this clear several times.  If I had to guess, Bergman is also saying he is not innocent, that he is using these characters/actors to play out his dream in order to gain a better of understanding of his own psyche. Also, are we, the audience, implicated as well?  Elisabet looks at us, takes our picture, is aware of us...aren’t we placing ourselves inside these characters? We see their vulnerabilities, analyze their weaknesses, pass judgement...we use them in order to come to some type of new understanding within ourselves or for our own entertainment.  Is the nature of art itself vampiric?  In a sense, are Elisabet, Bergman, us and all artists vampiric in a way?  Absolutely.  

Then, right when you think you have all it figured out, there is another couple of scenes that make you think otherwise.  You have to take one scene at a time with Persona.  It is less of a narrative and more of a dreamlike poem.  Alma nows enters the hospital room and Elisabet is in bed in a sedated state.  Alma lifts her up slightly and says, “Nothing,  That’s how it should be”, in a comforting manner and then lays Elisabet’s head back down.  It then fades into a repeat of the Alma/Elisabet dream shot of them looking into the camera from earlier in the film, perhaps comforting us the audience, slowly waking us up after this traumatic, confusing ride we’ve been on as the film winds down... telling us it’s nothing, it’s okay, it’s how it should be.   In turn, Alma wakes up in her bedroom in the Summer house. We are not in the hospital anymore.  She peaks out and sees Elisabet packing her suitcase. Alma then begins putting all the summer outdoor chairs inside the house to pack up before she leaves.  We do not see Elisabet again.  What happened to her?  Did she just leave without saying goodbye? Alma looks into the mirror and brushes her hair back as was done in the scene with Elisabet from earlier. A translucent image of Elisabet then appears behind her as seen below.  She then smiles to herself and puts on her hat.

As she exits outside with her suitcase, there is a large concrete sculpture of a face that the camera moves to. It then flashes to a shot of Elisabet on stage as Electra. Alma walks to the bus.  It then cuts to a camera sweeping down from above on a film set to capture Elisabet in frame.  It cuts back to Alma getting on the bus to leave and the camera pans to dark rocks on the side of the road, then fades into the boy in front of the screen from the beginning of the film, reaching out to touch the screen.  The screen includes a blurry image of what looks to be Alma that soon fades completely to white...a screen within a screen.  As we, the viewers, reach out with our minds to comprehend exactly what the ending means, the shirtless boy with the glasses also reaches out to feel an image that disappears.  The film roll runs out (literally on screen), falling off the spool and the projector burns out. The End.

To conclude, I just realized that attempting to analyze this film is almost like chasing a conspiracy theory, looking for connections that may or may not exist.  I know that I missed some things.  I know that I got some things wrong, but the joy of thinking about these films is that's okay. :)

Also, in closing, I wanted to add an image that I had an immediate reaction to while looking for behind-the-scenes photos.  As you can see, it is of Bergman, Liv Ullman and Bibbi Andersson.  And as you know by now, this a very heavy, dark film on identity and internal chaos. But there is such love and sensitivity and thoughtfulness in this photo of three artists in the middle of making something extraordinary and revolutionary in cinema. It brings up some deep emotions in me because this is something I yearn for, almost like the boy touching the screen.  I do truly feel I've had small glimpses of this type of satisfaction while working on my own projects, sparking a recognition, knowing it is rare and beautiful and transcendent, providing more to aspire to.  

[reneeswing]

The Joy, The Ridicule and The Hope

Let's rewind: what are the top three advices that have been given to us about COVID-19 prevention: wash your hand, observe social distance and take care of each other. Does that ring the bell that we have learnt all three things since we are in elementary school, if we are ever lucky enough to go to one.

So, I am going to make a bold statement here: most of the life-long lessons that we need for going through life, we’ve learnt them way before advanced educations, regardless of differences in culture, race and geographic locations. Yet, the sad truth is we only seem to spend the remainder of our time forgetting all we have learnt and all we need to remember to overcome this conundrum. If I dig a bit deeper, my basic education have equiped me with way more useful knowledge than what business school and law school have ever tought me. To name a few, geography helps me to navigate through the continents without being laughed at, history and literature offer me perspectives to see and comprehend everything ever happened in this time and this world. Law school and business school, on the other hand, slowly coop up people into a disillusion of elite class, distancing them from what’s actually going on in this insanely biased reality. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe every opportunity of education matters, it emancipates and liberates generations; and if anything, I have been blessed with all sort of way of thinking, coming from each stage of my school years. It is the monotonous perception on education that sometimes misinterprets or overly simplifies its true essence.

Do anyone begin to appreciate the down time of this quanrantine yet? I am not saying this to trivialize the dismal impact of the pandemic; because both our economic and social lives have taken a major toll from this crisis. For those who are alone in this quarantine, they are craving for human contact, the touch, the hug, all the more basic need of being a human; whereas for those who have a full house with multiple children at home, the working day never ends as it is combined with home schooling. This makes people finally realize that their job is their ultimate refuge. One of my friends started to refer to her kids as fantastic beasts, since the third week of the lockdown. This is, in my opinion, one of the best metaphors of the year. Now, this is what I hope: when all this is over, we will eventually appreciate more of our teachers and other educational workers. for us, it is only with our own kids, whereas at school, kids are ganged up on them. They are entitled to fairer reward and respect from all walks of the society.

Like others, my emotion has gone through various stages: at first, I was fairly content with what I’ve got here, a cozy home, abundant toilet rolls and sufficient supply of alcoholic grape juice. Then some kind of obsession started to develop, the bad kind is to slowly transform healthy self-reflection into self-condemnation for something I have done wrong 2,3,5 years ago. And the more time I spent on my devices, the higher level of anxiety incubated. Then, later on, I decided to have a rather lengthy conversation with myself, the righteous thing that I have ever done: committing to my own feelings, compelling myself away from judgement. I learnt to acknowledge them, more importantly, I searched for language and specific words to label them in all the more precise way. Through that exercise, I realized although they appear similarly, the emotion of anxiety is very different from that of sadness; and the exhileration that I was feeling is also different from excitement. When I found out I was able to distinguish those various emotions in me, I felt stress level has already half way gone, I could call the truce with myself. So, something good does come out from this period. When we are not able to go out, we should allow ourselves to go within.  

There are a lot more silver linings. To my recollection over the past 8 years, I don’t rememer any of the Dutch springs is as beautiful as this one. We’ve had sunny and warm weather throughout the month of April. Everyday, I went onto my balcony, let the light beam through my forehead and inhale the most precious fresh air. It is painful to face it that our continents are receding to isolated islands as all the traffics are shut down, but it is also delightful to find that nature thrives when human society hits the PAUSE button. The blue sky is returned to the birds and their flapping wings; waterways turn purer as no more crazy human running around and emitting pollution into them.  Even panda’s resume consummation. For the last 2,3 years, anthropogenic activities have caused large scale bushfires across north and south hemispheres; it happened even in Syberia above the North Pole. Human society is inflicting pains onto the lung of our Mother Earth. Isn’t it an irony that our respiratory system is succumbed to this coronavirus? I couldn’t help but wonder if this pandemic is the nature’s vengeance onto the arrogance of human race? So, here comes my second wish. One day as we come out of this pandemic, our peaceful moments with the nature will stick around a bit longer. Even though I know that humanity is terrible at reckoning with it own sin, I still wish this time, after all we have endured, we will finally learn to return the favour for our Mother Nature’s altruistic love. That we will be more reflective on our own behaviours, the impact that each of us have made onto anything outside of ourselves. You may say I am a dreamer, but I am definitely not and should not be the only one.

......

The world is suffering from its own bipolar disorder. To steer my way clear from the menaces, I rid myself of watching news during the weekends. But one still doesn't make the cut. As for a while, it is the only thing that people couldn't stop talking about: Donald Trump contemplates injecting/ingesting coronavirus patients with disinfectants, until the moment he made the next obnoxious statement. What's even more troubling is there was actually a slight increasing number of ER cases caused by internal administration of chemical solvent. Both New York Times and RB, the producer of Lysol and Dettol, had to make official announcement to talk people out of their desperate craze. One day I woke up and spit out this question: how is it even possibly happening? If B school has ever taught me anything, it is that leadership matters; and I dedicated most of my career contemplating how to be a good (future) leader. But nowadays, we are riding a perfect storm, while sinking down into a chasm called: the scum rises to the top. We are living in a reality that outruns the most ridiculous screenwriting of political drama. Not only have we got Trump assumed the most powerful position in this world, we don't seem capable of appropriating any countermeasures to dampen the damages. Although his strategy is nothing much different from that of a shameless politician: barking up the wrong trees to divert the public's attention further away from criticism against him, the impact however is way too profound to be left alone. He is dividing not only a country, also driving a wedge between friendly countries, when the only hope the world is left with is the hope of solidarity. 

The world is in urgent need of an assertive voice with a kind heart and a pair of potent hands. It cannot be done by one person, rather, has to be a collective conscience of all the human societies. The younger generation does not believe in institutions, they embrace anarchistic believes and have little problem of taking things to its extremity; but in the meantime, they are reasonable, way more objective and fairer than they are being judged or even portrayed. They believe in gender equality, inform themselves of cultural intricacy and they gather to rally for animal rights and climate change. For both reasons, their world needs leaders with integrity and convincing voices. In all appropriate times, we need to learn to be a leader for ourselves and for others. It is up to us how we are going to make our next decision, in giving an opinion, in executing right to vote, in influencing people around us and in doing smallest good deeds to hold onto each other. Here's an example. It is no strange thing to know that our doctors and nurses are working under tremendous physical and mental pressures. We've heard multiple cases in Italy and the US that medical staff committed suicide after virus contraction or nervous breakdown. In almost every country, people are finding ways to demonstrate their gratitude to their guardian angels; however news from India reads that doctors and nurses become target of discrimination, demonising them as virus itself. Similar discriminatory stories surface from time to time around the world against people from other countries or communities because of the pandemic. This shows how far off people could be dangerously biased and misled; the absence of a just and empathetic figure in the leadership attributes to and to a great extent severs the alienation. But we all could and should choose to lead. We can never let our guard down, ignoring any appalling ignorance, even with the slightest carelessness. We need to speak up, protect people who are protecting us and the world's most vulnerable's. We need to do it constantly, consistently and often enough. Bear in mind, our decision and undertaking of today will define our tomorrow in common. 

......

Alright, enough about the grim prospect and grievance. As far as being a hopeless optimist, I will complement my third wish with a faith in humanity after it all. Yesterday, I watched the season finale of Westworld. As Dolores sank down into her memory, she restated: "Some people choose to see the ugliness in this world. The disarray. I choose to see the beauty". I agree with every bit of those words. I believe the key to the sublime lies in ourselves and our conscience. In the end, true bravery is to love the world and humanity, despite the ugliness that we have seen or experienced. 

Before I let you go, I am inviting you to join me in paying tributes to all the essential workers who are risking their lives every day to keep ours running without panics. Next to our lovely doctors and nurses, here's to the infrastructure workers, the train conductors and bus drivers,  the supermarkets' staff, the logistics companies, the mailman, (especially my mailman, who brings me my 1,000 packages to fill the huge void in my soul), the journalists and newsmen, who are running all across the countries, strive to bring us brutal facts, inconvenient truths, disarray and hopes. Collectively you've prevented the world from crumpling, after the mess we made. I thank you for that! 

Please take care and stay healthy!

Love, R

[tyrantisterror]

TT Liveblogs Evangelion Masterpost & Final Thoughts

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Final Thoughts after the cut!

By reputation, I had a strong feeling that Evangelion was not going to be my kind of story, and now that I’ve seen it I can say that both kind of is and kind of isn’t the case.  The character writing is incredibly strong (even if I feel End of Evangelion has a few major wobbles), its approach to its cosmic horror conflict and uncanny monsters is incredibly interesting, the animation is gorgeous, and the plot is compelling.  It’s way more tragic than I usually prefer my stories of this length to be, but I feel it earns that tragedy and has a point to it.  At the very least, it ranks among works like Heart of Darkness and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which I respect for their artistry even if I struggle to stomach their content.  I would say it’s objectively great, even if subjectively it doesn’t always suit my personal tastes as far as stories go.

Given the two endings Evangelion (both the original show’s last episodes and the alternate ending offered by End of Evangelion) has both explore the idea of there being different realities than the one we’ve watched, I almost wonder if my discontent is a feature rather than a flaw.  I feel like Evangelion invites you to consider the possibility of this story going very different ways - if we’re supposed to leave it longing for a better version of these events, like a player hoping there’s a new game plus after watching the depressing ending of a JRPG.

 As a person who’s struggled with self loathing his entire life, this series spoke to me in its analysis of that particular psychological problem.  As the final episodes of the show take great pains to make clear, this is a show about how we understand and define ourselves in the context of others, and the myriad reasons why our self definitions can become toxic and hateful.  Hating oneself should, after all, be rather counter-intuitive, so why are we prone to it?

Evangelion posits that it comes down to the Hedgehog’s Dilemma - this (probably not biologically accurate) idea that hedgehogs want to huddle together for warmth when it’s cold, but can’t because their spikes will stab each other if they do.  They need their spikes for defense, of course, but those same spikes can also hurt people trying to help them, and thus the hedgehogs suffer alone in the cold.  Every character in this show - human and, I would argue, angel alike - is this allegorical hedgehog: they crave warmth and affection, but are kept lonely and cold by the defenses they deem necessary.  The problem isn’t just that they’re denied warmth by others, but that they also fear hurting others in the process of seeking that closeness - that they are both helpless and incapable of helping those they wish to protect.

Every character in this show has different spikes, and every character is desperately hoping that someone will reach out and understand them despite their defenses, or that maybe, just maybe, if they reach out to someone they won’t end up stabbing them in the process.  That’s the real crux of this two-fold problem: people hate themselves both because they have been denied both love and the act of giving love to others in turn, all while knowing deep down that they are the reason they have these damn spikes in the first place.

And yes, I extend this to the monsters as well.  While most of the angels in this series are destructive and openly antagonistic , three actually try to communicate with humanity in their “attacks.”  The first two are unsuccessful because the humans are incapable of understanding them, but the third actually manages to speak humanity’s language.  He expresses regret at the fact that angels and humans can’t coexist, and even urges Shinji to destroy him because it’s the only way Shinji can live - and the angel, despite knowing it means his death, prefers the idea of Shinji surviving their conflict.  While we ultimately don’t learn enough about the angels to say anything concrete about their motives, the glimpse that Kaworu gives into their psyche paints them in a similarly depressing light as humanity.  They lash out with their figurative (and sometimes literal) spikes not because they hate humanity, but because they believe they have no option.  They can’t have warmth.  There is only the path of spikes, the act of violence.  Whether they want to or not, only one can survive.  They have succumbed to the bleakness of the hedgehog’s dilemma.

I love the ending of the show because it focuses on its psychological problem which, ultimately, is the true conflict of the story, and examines it in depth with all the main characters, and especially Shinji (which makes sense, as his psycholgical state is the most detailed and well developed of the entire cast).  In the final episode, Shinji finds the solution to the hedgehog’s dilemma that no one else was brave enough to come to.  He realizes that, yes, it is impossible to interact with others without both getting hurt and hurting others in turn - that he can’t get rid of his spikes, nor can anyone else get rid of theirs.  But as much as he hates the pain he’ll both experience and inflict, he realizes that he has the courage to try to reach out anyway - that though he may hate himself now, he might be able to love himself as he loves others, and that being imperfect doesn’t mean he’s worthless.  Despite all the pain and the guilt, despite the prick of the spikes, Shinji decides to keep trying to find the warmth that he and those around him need, because if they all keep trying together they can find it.

Evangelion ends with Shinji, surrounded by his peers, determined to recover.  He refuses to be destroyed by his depression.  He refuses to die in the cold, and everyone is there with him when he does.  It’s not an incongruous moment - for all the angst that people tend to define this show by, there are always moments, small but notable, impactful moments, where they come together.  Few people on this show are beyond saving, and in at least one ending - esoteric and weird as it is - they have that chance.

I’m less keen on End of Evangelion as an alternate ending.  Where the original show gave Shinji that moment of recovery, End of Evangelion seems deadset on destroying him and every other character in the show as utterly as possible.  Shinji gives in to his absolute worst impulses in this movie, and every other character is similarly destroyed by their faults - Misato tries her hardest but fails to ultimately protect Shinji from doom, Rei is used as a tool for someone else’s designs without ever truly understanding what they are or claiming her own independence, Asuka dies trying and failing to prove her worth as a warrior, and on and on it goes.  The most iconic scene of the film is scored with a song whose lyrics are a suicide note, which is fitting for a movie about depressed characters succumbing to their worst impulses and being destroyed for it.  Though Shinji once again gets to survive the end of the world and create something new from the ashes, it’s not uplifting as it was in the show - instead, with only Asuka by his side (who he then tries to strangle), he slumps down into a puddle of self misery.  The last word he hears isn’t “congratulations” this time around - it’s “disgusting.”

I’m not saying this is a wrong ending, or an objectively bad one.  You could argue this is just as much where the story might have been heading as the show’s ending - or even that it’s more congruous, that this was always going to be a story about failure and self destruction, and that any hope these characters could have for a better life could only be achieved by fucking with the nature of their reality on a fundamental level.  Objectively, End of Evangelion is valid.  But for my personal tastes... I liked those kernels of hope.  I’ll take Congratulations over Digusting.  I want these kids to heal.

One final bit: a common thing I’ve heard about this series is that the allusions to Abrahamic religion and folklore are purely aesthetic and have no actual deeper meaning, and having watched the series I think this is at best an over-simplification and at worst completely wrong.  Like most allusions in literature, I don’t think they work as a direct 1:1 comparisons - Adam in Evangelion is not literally the same as Adam in the Bible, Angels in Evangelion are not literally the same as in the Bible, etc.  But there’s still a lot of meaning behind how these Biblical references are used that can’t be mere coincidence.  For example, towards the end of the series it’s revealed that human being are actually half angel (or rather the spawn of a different angelic being than the angels in canon, it’s a bit more complicated than this but let’s simplify it for the sake of making this intelligible), which is why the “pure” angels are trying to wipe us out.  In the book of Enoch, a fairly obscure non-canonical Biblical text, some rebel angels come to earth and crossbreed with humanity, creating the nephilim, a race of half human/half angels.  Enoch posits that this is the specific crime that makes God destroy the earth in a flood.  Now, how does End of Evangelion end?  With humanity being destroyed and the earth flooded with their liquid remains, save for one surviving pair that is composed of one boy and one girl.  It’s not a 1:1 allusion, but it would be one HELL of a coincidence that this story is so similar to an obscure non-canonical Biblical work.

And if we do accept the allusions as having some meaning, they actually work with the show’s themes fairly well.  The Book of Enoch’s whole purpose is to explain why God hated humanity enough to destroy it, and the feeling that a higher, cosmic power hates us for some inexplicable reason is at the core of Evangelion.  Evangelion’s whole purpose is to find an answer for why we hate and destroy ourselves, and how we, like Noah, might find a way to save ourselves from this seemingly inevitable flood of doom.  Making an allusion to another stories that try to explain that - not just the Book of Enoch, but to similar Biblical stories about the origin and nature of humanity’s sin and God’s scorn, like the Genesis tale of Adam and Eve (or, as Evangelion substitutes, Adam and his semi-canonical first wife, Lilith) - is inherently meaningful.  It’s on topic, and in the context of these allusions we get a clearer view of what Evangelion is trying to say about human nature.  It’s not necessarily a Christian story, but its allusions to Abrahamic religion aren’t devoid of meaning.

[killjoy-loveit]

Hack This Part 10

A/N: You may or may not know the drill by now, but here it is anyways: this is in 1st POV (like my other stuff), I hope it will be 10 parts (if it isn’t I will make it very clear), and I would also like to clarify that everything written in this story is complete fiction. I didn’t proofread this or have someone else go over it like I typically do, so as mistakes are found I will edit it. Sorry for the long wait, I lost inspiration for this story for some reason but I managed to gain some back to finish it.

Summary: Reina devises a plan to get them both out from the boss’ influence.

Word Count: 3, 952

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9

Bonus Scene

***Warning violence and gore?

    Finally, it was done. I had accumulated the necessary funds to free Z from this life, to erase the debt that bound him to the mafia. All that was left to do was actually get it to the boss, with the message of what the money was for. That was going to be the hardest part. There was no way Z would be let go willingly, even if his family’s debt was cleared. They would try to find anything else to get him to stay, threaten him, or kill him if they couldn’t convince him to stay. He needs to disappear once I do this. He won’t ever get to stay in one place again, he’ll be on the run for the rest of his life. This is something that I can do only with his permission.

    Hesitantly I step out of my room into the living area, immediately spotting Z slouched over on the couch. I know he wants to be free of this life, but I’m not sure how he’ll react knowing that he finally has an out. Treading softly I make my way over to him, plopping down beside him on the couch. He smiles widely at me, wrapping an arm around me to pull me in close.

    “What’s with the face?” Z questions, muting the show on the tv.

    I bite my lip, looking away from him for a second before the words come tumbling from my lips. “I did it. There’s enough money to clear your family’s debt.”

    “What?” He asked, freezing.

    “I put my hacking to use and gathered enough money to clear your debts. The only problem being is I need your permission to go through with it and send it in to the boss because when I do it, you’re going to have to run. I don’t believe that he’ll-.” I get cut off by his lips on mine.

    It was a brief, almost chaste kiss, one that showed his excitement and gratitude. But it also showed that he’d stopped listening about halfway through. With a gentle push, I moved him away from me, earning a confused look.

    “It might help if you actually listened and let me finish speaking before you celebrate, Z. This isn’t going to be what you might expect, you know, finally being out of their grasp.”

    “What do you mean?”

    “I mean there’s no way they’re going to let you go without a fight! Before I even send in the money, you need to be gone, completely disappeared. A new identity, new appearance, new everything. There’s no telling what they’d try to do to have you stay. So, before I do anything, I need your decision.” My words seemed to stunt the excitement that had been building in his eyes, causing it to fade away.

    “What about you?” He asked quietly.

    I furrowed my brows at his question. “What about me?”

    “In all of this planning about how I need to disappear, you never mentioned anything about you other than sending the money in. Where are you planning to be when all of this goes down?”

    I sigh quietly, wishing he hadn’t asked that question. Although knowing him, it was almost inevitable and I really should’ve seen it coming. “I… Have to stay behind. Both of us can’t just disappear, someone needs to be here to maintain a cover. I have to make sure you can get out safely.”

    Z jumps to his feet, looking at me like I just said the stupidest thing he’d ever heard. “No! There’s no way in hell I’m letting you do that, Reina. I won’t leave you behind, we leave together or we stay. There is no splitting up. If you think something could happen to me for trying to leave, what do you think they’d do to you for helping me?”

    “I don’t care.”

    “Reina, what the fuck? How could you say that? I care about what happens to you, how could you even think I wouldn’t?”

    “It’s not that I didn’t think you’d care, I was more hoping you wouldn’t ask.” I mutter, looking away from his searing gaze.

    Z scoffs at my response. “You didn’t really think I was that dense did you?”

    “No, Z, I don’t think you’re dense. I just… I didn’t want you to realize I wasn’t part of the plan. I knew you wouldn’t agree to it, but there’s no other way.”

    “There’s got to be another way. Nothing’s happening until we find a way for both of us to get out.”

    Z meant what he said. Nothing happened for weeks, at least, not in regards to getting out from under the thumb of the mafia. Life carried on as it had been, what with Z going back to do work for the boss. It felt like no progress had been made and we were just back to existing. Except this time I knew there was a way out, and it was killing me not to do anything. There was nothing I hated more than feeling like I was at a stand-still, or trapped. Essentially that’s what the situation had become. We were trapped, unable to think of a plan that could free both of us.

    Each plan we came up with was flawed, in such a way that only one of us could safely make it out alive. Of course Z preferred to stay right where we were if it meant I’d be safe, this did not suit me at all though. He thought I didn’t see it- the pain in his eyes, the hatred he felt for himself burning like an all-consuming fire. This pain, this hate, was brought on by the work he was forced to do. Everytime he came back, sometimes with little bits of blood on his clothes, I could tell how much he abhorred it. There was only so much I could do, short of turning in the entire operation to the authorities, which Z wouldn’t let me do.

    His rationale is that we have friends within that are doing good things. To a point I can agree with him, as I’ve gone through the files so I know that the majority of people taken out have done some despicable things. But this also raises the question of what makes this group any different from those they kill? Are they better because they only kill those deserving of it? If so then that brings up that, by their own logic, eventually they too will be taken out due to their misdeeds and criminal actions.

    But I’ve had enough of our run-around conversations, I don’t want more excuses for why we can’t do something. I need action to be taken before I lose my mind doing such menial tasks and remaining stagnant. I came up with a plan over the past few days that could manage to get us both out safely, albeit a few potential risk factors linger. Simplified, the idea is to get him out before I send the money in, afterwards I wait a day or so then cause a distraction that would allow me to escape and meet up with Z.

    Storming out of my room, I make my way to Z’s, where I know he’s probably conked out but I can’t stay quiet anymore. “Z!” I yell out in front of his door, slamming my hand on the wood a few times for effect.

    It takes a minute for him to reach and open the door, during which I hear him clambering and bumping into things. “Yes?” He blinks slowly, reaching a hand up to rub at his eyes.

    “I can’t do this anymore. Either you agree to this new idea or I will turn in the entire organization to the authorities- friends and all.”

    Even tired as he was from being abruptly pulled from sleep, he understood my threat instantly, causing his eyes to widen. “What?”

    “You heard me.”

    “Well then tell me the plan I have to agree to.”

    I explained it to him in detail. It’s a lot like my original plan, where I stay behind only this time I create a diversion of some kind to drag their focus off me so that I have adequate time to escape. Throughout the explanation I could tell he wanted to protest, but he apparently decided to hold all of his objections in until the end. Leading to him to all but explode at me once I finished my final sentence.

    “That plan has too many holes, Reina and you are completely aware of that! Firstly, there’s no guarantee they’ll even let you close enough to a computer so that you could set up a distraction. Then you’re also assuming they’ll leave you completely guardless once your diversion takes effect, which they won’t. If you thought there’s no way they’ll let me go without a fight, I know there’s not a chance in hell they’ll let you live if they can’t have you.”

    “I can’t live like this! Something needs to be done. You remember my threat, so it’s either this or the whole operation. Choose, Z.” I state, raising my voice to denote my anger at this situation.

    “Fine, I’ll go along with your stupid plan but the second something goes wrong it’s canned.”

    “No. Either you go with this to the end and trust me, or I turn everyone in.”

    Z ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “Fuck! Fine, Reina, have it your way.”

    “Good. Tomorrow we start setting everything up.” I respond, effectively ending the conversation.

    It didn’t take more than a few days to set everything up. Fake IDs and passports were acquired easily, as well as plane tickets to get us both out of dodge. Z’s hair was cut and dyed, he also had to get rid of his piercings and gather a new wardrobe. Other than leaving me behind, that was the other part of the plan he disliked, claiming that the clothes I chose were “boring and lame”. My rebuttal was that boring and lame blends in to the crowd, and that’s exactly what we needed. With everything ready, there was nothing holding us back from setting the plan into motion.

    But Z was still putting up a bit of a fight. “I just don’t want to leave you here, you could get hurt.”

    I sighed and shook my head at him. “I’ll be fine, but you will get hurt, by me, if you don’t leave now. I already set a time for the money to be delivered electronically a few hours from now, and if you aren’t out of here soon you won’t have enough time to disappear and could ruin the entire plan.”

    “Alright, alright. But I hope you know if you aren’t at the airport, I will wage war to get to you.” He said, voice wavering with emotion.

    “I’m aware, now go.” I murmur, lightly pushing him forward.

    With a chaste kiss as his parting, he finally left. Now all I had to do was wait. This would be the boring part, seeing as I’d already set up a program in advance to detect when his face was caught on security cameras and erase the footage immediately. The program was completely untraceable and practically invisible, which would allow him to move freely without fear of being caught digitally. Hours passed by slowly, my heart rate not lowering a bit due to the anxiousness I was experiencing. Thirty minutes past the time the money was sent, a knock sounded at the door. It was time for me to start lying.

    I opened the door quickly, seeing no point in trying to drag out the inevitable. The boss barged in with numerous men behind him, and two people I recognized: Jongup and Noah. I wasn’t expecting to see them, so I was slightly thrown off when the first question came at me.

    “Where is he?”

    “What?” I asked, turning my head to find the person who’d asked the question.

    “Where is Z?” The nameless guy rephrased and stepped forward in what I suppose was meant to be an intimidating manner.

    “I don’t know.”

    The guy cracked his knuckles stepping forward once more, towering over me. “That’s a lie.”

    I glanced at Noah briefly, her face was blank, completely devoid of emotion. “I truly don’t know where he is.”

    No one believed this response, thus when the boss spoke it came as no shock to me. “Take her and search the apartment.”

    With that command two guys with muscles obnoxiously large grabbed me by each arm and practically dragged me out of the apartment. I was shoved into a large dark vehicle and both men took a seat on either side of me to prevent an escape. The time in which I waited allowed me to think through why Jongup and Noah had been brought along. Obviously they were closest to him, aside from myself, so the boss must have figured they’d be useful in this situation. All I know is that if they reveal anything, I will destroy them- friends or not.

    It wasn’t long before the boss and another man got into the vehicle with us and it was set in motion. I knew where we were going, it was clear based on the way each man had his shoulders set stiffly. They were mentally preparing themselves for something, which leads me to believe that either they’re going to torture me to reveal information on Z’s whereabouts or torture me until I agree to track him. This option revelation wasn’t too shocking to me, I’d prepared myself for this. After a certain point in the torture process, I was going to agree to track him- I could plant a false lead that would make everyone run off to catch him, allowing me the perfect chance to run.

    Once we reached the warehouse I’d been to once before, I was ever so gracefully removed from the car. Being dragged through hallways I had already deemed cold and oddly clean from my previous visit was a new experience, one I wasn’t too fond of. I kept my eyes trained ahead of me, occasionally making eye contact with people we passed on our way. Unsurprisingly, they took me up the stairs to the room Z had been tortured in. The scene was about to be recreated, only with a substitution as the person being beaten.

    As the boss made his way over to an ornate chair that screamed of its importance, he asked me the question I’d been asked a mere hour prior. “Where is he?”

    My answer remained the same. “I don’t know.”

    The boss was expecting this of course and with a simple wave of his hand, one of the brutes beside me slammed his fist into my ribs. “Do you have anything to say?”

    I shook my head, glaring at his confident expression. A slightly different hand motion gained me a flurry of hits, each with a significant impact which would have cause me to fall if one of the men hadn’t stepped forward and held me up. This cycle continued, blow after blow landing in attempts to make me talk. I didn’t budge, even after they started using spiked brass knuckles. Each new blow resulted in ripped skin and fabric, leaving my shirt in tatters. A small pool of my blood was beginning to form on the floor below me, to the point I could see my reflection in it. Tears began to flow from my face against my will, joining the puddle of blood.

    “Now do you have anything you want to share?” The boss asked, a leering grin present on his face.

    I glared at him, my hate of him shining through my eyes. “I don’t know where he is.”

    His hand raised immediately to get the men to continue their abuse, but my voice had him freeze. “But I can help you track him, just stop, please.”

    “This is… Unexpected. Fine, they’ll stop. Though I can’t expect you could track him in your current state. You’ll get some basic care by the doctors downstairs, and an hour or so of rest. Then you will find him for me.”

    The boss stayed true to his word, and maybe three hours later after being fixed up and having two hours of restless sleep, I was sat in front of a computer. Time for me to start the diversion. Normally, I’d have no trouble creating a false trail, even while being watched, but my brain wasn’t letting me focus. Everything was distracting me, and time was ticking by faster and faster. The code in front of me blurred together as my head throbbed. I ran my hands through my hair in annoyance, I need to get this done. I can’t let them find him, and he will come after me if I don’t manage to get out of here- which could lead to his death. That can’t happen.

    With a new sense of urgency and determination, my hands fly over the keyboard, typing furiously. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything so fast in my life, but I went over it multiple times, checking for errors that could be deadly. A small smile came to my face as I found it was free of mistakes, this was it. It’s go time.

    “I found him.” The lie passed my lips with ease.

    Two hours later the warehouse was devoid of most people. So many people were taken as they had taken the bait that Z had decided to hole up with a rival of theirs, and they needed to prepare for a fight to get to him. Of course this wasn’t true and I’d just led them to start a full-on war. To my surprise the boss only left one man to guard me, though he was the beefiest looking brute from what I could tell. Now I had to disarm him and get out.

    I stood up quietly, my voice soft as I spoke. “Could- could I lay down somewhere? I feel faint.”

    The man nodded as I made my way over to him. When he turned around to lead me from the small room we were in, I stumbled into him apologizing profusely as my hand freed his gun from the holster on his hip. Without hesitation I pressed the barrel of the gun against the back of his head.

    “I know there’s got to be a spare vehicle around here, tell me where.”

    He froze, caught completely by surprise at the gun pressed against his head. “There’s a garage near where we brought you in, a lot of vehicles around there along with keys.” He choked out.

    The boss may have chosen the strongest guy to keep watch over me, but he also chose the stupidest. I averted my gaze from him because of what I was about to do. I pulled the trigger, and felt his blood spray back on my face as the shot rang out. His body hit the floor with a dull thud and ran. I sprinted through the halls, quickly making my way back to where I’d been brought in. Minutes later I found the garage, eerily I hadn’t even run into anybody.

    Hooks lined the wall by the door, keys dangling from each one. My hand shook as I reached out and grabbed the first one I saw. I pressed the unlock button on the key fob and watched as a small nondescript car lit up. Before rushing over to the car I hit the button on the wall beside the keys to open the garage. My heart pounded as I put the car in reverse and sped out of there. I was surprised that no one had come to investigate the shot, I knew there were still people in the building. It almost felt too easy, but I can’t worry about that now. I need to get somewhere to clean myself off so that I can get to the airport to meet Z.

    A small gas station twenty minutes from the warehouse is where I stopped. The gun I had taken from the guard tucked into the back of my jeans, the safety on of course. I tried to keep my hair covering my face, but it was difficult seeing as I have relatively short hair. Inside the gas station I was greeted by a cool blast of air which managed to make me shiver as I made my way to the bathrooms. As expected of a gas station bathroom it was a little shoddy, but I made do. It took five minutes of scrubbing to get all the blood off my face and out of my hair. Through the speckled mirror I could tell I looked haggard, my eyes were red and my skin dull.

    Relief surged through me as the thought that we were almost free entered my mind. I just had to make it to the airport where Z was waiting for me. A fresh burst of adrenaline surged through my veins making the exhaustion I was feeling almost nonexistent. All I had to do was get to him. That’s the only thing, and then we’d disappear.

    People were rushing about the airport when I arrived, everyone bumping into each other without a care as they raced to their destination. I scanned the crowd, looking for Z, who despite being quite tall was appearing difficult to find. I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt a hand land on my shoulder, and my heart raced in my chest as I turned to face whoever it was. As I laid eyes on the person, my pulse calmed and I let out the breath I’d been holding.

    “You were almost late.” Z complained. “Let’s go.”

    After I changed, we made our way through security, joining the large crowd of people trying to rush through. I kept feeling like it was too easy as we moved through the airport to our flight departure gate. I’m certain that my heart won’t stop racing until we’re on that plane and it’s taken off. While I recognized that Z and I blended in seamlessly, I still was afraid that we stood out, what with our height difference. Maybe we should have taken separate flights. That would have been safer, and would turn less eyes if anyone managed to recognize one of us. Though now it’s too late and I also don’t think that Z would have gone along with that, seeing as how he barely let me stay behind in the first place.

    “You need to give her your ticket.” Z murmured, lightly pushing me forward.

    I smiled at the attendant and handed her my ticket and passport. With a quick check she verified the ticket and my passport and waved me through, though I did stand and wait for Z to get passed too. Walking the ramp onto the plane eased my anxiety, we’re almost out. At our seats, as I tried to put my bag in the overhead compartment, my shirt rode up revealing bandaged skin. Z’s hand shot out, tracing the edges of the bandages.

    “You didn’t tell me.” He whispered.

    I sighed, giving up on my attempt to put my bag up, handing it to him before sitting down. “It wasn’t urgent.”

    Z scoffed at my words as he quickly shoved both of our bags into the overhead compartment. “That doesn’t matter, you still should have told me. How bad is it?”

    “Well, let’s just say I’m going to need a lot of help once the adrenaline leaves my system.”

[tonyglowheart]

Since you asked for clarification, I was asking under what circumstances, if any, you think it is morally unacceptable to ship fictional characters. But thank you for your previous response, I laughed.

oooh okay. well this gets thorny and tricky, as is the wont of anything to do with like morality and ethics and nonesuch.

I think it’s hard for me to say definitively there are circumstances where something is NEVER okay, ever, for every single person? I mean probably if we get down to it, I can start nuancing some limits…

hmmm okay I… may be straying outside my lane here, but I feel like an analogy can be made with kink-related stuff? Are you shipping for yourself or shipping to participate in a community? And is your community spilling over and disrupting others who maybe do not consent to be participating in some of the conventions of your community? which kind of gets to the “are you being an anti and harassing other people” kind of dealio. I mean, I’m not necessarily morally decrying, say, ship wars. I’m just saying that’s where I start thinking it gets shitty.

In terms of like… “what is your comfort level shipping one character and another”? …without any concrete examples, I’m inclined to say if they’re fictional, then they’re your playground. If you personally aren’t comfy with a ship, then don’t feel forced to participate in it, I think? But be aware if you ship something that other ppl may take offense to it, and their objections may be valid for themselves. If THEY start harassing YOU for something you ship, then they’re in the wrong. Like people want to make the argument that “fiction affects” reality, which I think is valid, but also I think arguments that that’s a fallacy are valid too on the basis that shipping communities form a relatively smaller facet of society and hardly affect overarching societal structures the way, say, compulsory heterosexuality and homophobia do.

RPS is also not my personal cup of tea generally, but I can see the appeal, and this starts getting a bit more sticky but like, again my view on this is like the kink thing, if you’re keeping it contained either to yourself or your community and aren’t harassing ppl about it, it’s… less bad? I mean RPS does get stickier because we’re dealing with real actual people who could be uncomfortable about what the RPS is in relation to them, without their consent.. But I’m hardly going to decry it completely as unilaterally immoral. (edit: OKAY I WAS SPEED-READING and only just saw the specification of “fictional characters” yeeaaahh whoops)

I’m glad you liked my other response tho lol, I was like… yeah asked cold, I had no clue how to respond. I mean, even now, I’m not really sure what brought this on and why me of all people (if you are genuinely asking because you trust my judgment then oh my god I am so sorry anon lmao).

I mean also, for context, I sit on like… a handful of Problematique™ ships lmao so I’m hardly going to start throwing stones (glass houses, etc etc ya know). And like. I can see why people would be uncomfortable with some of the ships I like(d)! And that’s fine, they’re allowed to do that! But also like. I like what I like lmao and I sure don’t have any, like, Catholic guilt about it. It’s more like.. being discrete because the prevailing atmosphere is just Rough and I want to avoid getting on like.. the purity wank crowd’s radar, just in case :’)

(okay I’m editing to add some more thoughts or ramblings or stream of consciousness I guess)

okay so. here’s the thing. I think there’s some things that SEEM like they’re a no-brainer. “no incest. no pedophilia. no abuse ships.” that spiel. But like. the thing is those things aren’t neeeecessarily as clear-cut as they may seem on the surface. Fiction is created; two characters that ended up siblings might have started off as childhood friends and then the author decided they worked better as siblings. Characters that were siblings up until the final draft might have ended up as neighbors. And god I don’t know if I’ve ranted or not about “abuse ships” but where do we even start with THAT. How do we even define what that is. Are we also, then, discounting some canon ships that perhaps have abusive overtones in some of the interactions? Like... a lot of the way straight dudes write straight relationships... to me can be read as kind of abusive.

My other gripe with “pedophilia” is the overuse of it as a moral signalling buzzword. Like, I get why! It’s visceral! it’s the kind of strawman that’s like “oh what, are you defending pedophilia?” but I also have seen it unironically used to describe a hypothetical relationship between a fictional 16 year old (the character wasn’t even 16 in the series) and someone else over 20. My dudes I’m p sure the 16-year-old is post-pubescent. Or at least I sure hope so.

Like ultimately, I think the thing with fictional character is like... they’re fiction. no individual persons were harmed in the imaginings of what’s happening with this fictional character. And with shipping and fanfic, I think it’s a character-driven genre (I think someone wrote a post about this some time?). I can see where characters can be simplified down to sets of tropes or character dynamics that can be compelling to people and make them want to imagine those dynamics in other settings. And it’s possible for some of the other things to become set-dressing.

Speaking to when I think it’s WRONG to ship something.... I guess most of my answers are “when it translates harmfully somehow into meatspace”? Like if someone is using shipping as performative activism, or shipping as relationship advice (which isn’t to say ALL shipping is bad as relationship advice). But like. The purpose of shipping is not relationship advice, so any relationship advice that comes out of shipping is incidental and like.. a pleasant byproduct. But I don’t think it should be an explicit goal or aspiration, to only ship what seems to be idealized. Also that just flat-out sounds boring to me lol. How can you have that sweet sweet H/C if you don’t have any H, ya know?

[sean-gaffney]

Tatarigoroshi:  Changes between the Original and the PS2/3 Version

Again, this is something of a work in progress as 07th-mod is still working on the differences.  I will say, though, it is somewhat mind-boggling to see some of these cuts.

Part 1:

Once again, Kei-kei is changed to Keiichi.

Part 2:

A removal of yakuza here.  Get used to this, as I’ve said.

I hate minor kanji differences.  Something about K1’s bento having a fatal flaw is different, God knows what.

Keiichi describing the manga he’s imaginarily buying as “slightly perverted” is cut.

The boys calling the girls ugly was cut.  No objections here.

Satoko says the meal has “ready-made” side dishes in the original, but “poorly made” in the update.  Perhaps to avoid denigrating ready-made side dishes?

Part 3:

All references to Kameda being from Oshima are changed to remove the actual place.

All K1’s lines about being a pervert are toned down.

A lot of K1 and Kameda’s dessert description is toned down, including a few references to lolitas.

Part 4:

In the original, Mion is called “unhealthy”, and K1 encourages Rena to get a “sproingey” body.  In the update, Mion is “underdeveloped” (?!?!), and he says breakfast will give Rena a “sexy” body instead.

Irie saying he would “re-educate” Satoko into a “maidservant” is made a bit less creepy.  Only a bit, though.

Shion interrupting their conversation is hella censored.  In the original, pretending to be Irie, she says she’ll put Satoko on a wooden horse and make her a sex slave.  She and K1 then have an extended conversation about being careful when doing BDSM, and remember the rules.  Needless to say, the update has this be “pretty maid”, and she and K1 get into a discussion of the fact that she used an English loan word.

Tomita and Okamura use Sakoto’s first name in the original, her last name in the update.  Politeness censorship!

Irie’s “disciplining” maids is changed to “domestication”.

Part 5:

Keiichi asks Tomita and Okamura is they want him to explain how to remove the black censor bar from porn in the original.  In the update, he wonders if they need help to see what Chie will put on the test.

The “Great Ariake Exhibition” loses its specific place name.

“Drug addict” changed to “deviant”.

“Staying with a lover” becomes “staying with an intimate lady friend”.

Part 6 (1):

“Parasite” becomes “Slob”.

“Bullying” Satoko becomes “be more serious” or something similar.

Again, the update removes the suggestion that Teppei and Rina are lovers.

“Is it really bad?” becomes “How’s the situation?”, and I am finding myself in disbelief that the PS version of this is removing the mentions of abuse from Satoko’s own arc.

“Abuse” becomes “a problem”.

In an odd instance of the PS version becoming MORE explicit, the references to the “regional” child welfare center are changed to Okinomiya, presumably as that’s a fictional town and therefore it’s OK for them to be as uncaring as they are here.

The person visiting the Houjous from the child center is made a “staff member” in the update, they’re a “commissioner” in the original.

Waiting for Teppei to “hit Satoko and leave a mark” is made just “wait”.  All the abuse is not removed per se, but it’s made super, super vague.

“Orphanage” is made “institution” or removed entirely from several lines.

More removal of “drug addict”.

Satoko’s bruise on her hand is changed to a fever, making this more “neglect” than “physical abuse”.  This affects a number of lines.  And my blood pressure.  What the actual fuck?

Again, Irie’s use of the word “abuse” is changed.

Satoko being described as an “empty husk” is removed.

K1 says if Satoko is in danger he will “take action” without asking anyone.  In the PS version, it’s “report it”, because he is a good boy, like everyone else in Higurashi!

Part 6 (2):

Nothing!

Part 7 (1):

As with Watanagashi, the PS arc pretends Keiichi has met Tomitake before, the original has a “who are you” conversation.  I assume this is due to actual branching choices in the game version.

Tomitake’s Maebara is changed to Keiichi in the PS version, presumably as he is an adult speaking to a child.

Again, abuse mention cut.

Again, Child Welfare officer changed to just a staff member.

Part 7 (2):

“You’ve ever got housekeepers” is changed to “maids”.  I assume this is nuance that would be understandable in Japanese.

Part 8 (1):

Once more, Mion’s drunken shenanigans are changed to “I’m just tired”.

Let’s change “officer” to “staff member” again.

More deletion of abuse.

Satoko inflicting wounds on herself before she calls the center about her stepfather is made “making up a false story”.

And the original says Satoko sent an “SOS’, this is simplified to call.

Part 8 (2)

Nothing!

Part 8 (3)

Aiko specifically recommends “And Then There Were None” and “Murder on the Orient Express” to Keiichi in the original, in the PS version she avoids a specific title.

Part 8 (4):

Drunk changed to tired AGAIN in “Mion’s” phone call.

Let’s make that drug addict a lowlife.  Again.

Part 9 (1):

Kraepelin test changed to a generic one.

Part 9 (2):

Nothing!

Part 9(3):

Nothing!

Part 10:

More removal of underage drinking.  No one drinks, they just stay up too late!

Shion is downgraded from a blockhead to a troublemaker.

Irie still injects girls with chemicals to make them maids in both versions, but he also says “slaves” in the original.

Continuing on with creepy Irie, his line about :”secondadry sex characteristics” is changed to “puberty”.

Specific sedative names removed from the PS version.

More removal of Gifu.

Ooishi’s “only whores do both at once” became “people from the red light district” in the new MG version, and “stage actors” in the PS version.

Part 11 (1):

Nothing. Which means it’s OK to have Satoko boil herself alive in the bath, as long as it’s made clear no parental figure is hitting her.

Part 11 (2):

In the original, Irie has “incontinence” as a symptom of his death.  In the PS this is changed to “dilated pupils”.

The line about if Irie used sleeping pills regularly is cut.

As we infamously know, Satoko’s nudity in the original was changed to “like this”, i.e. in a towel.  And thank God.

“Walking to the festival in my sleep” is changed to “half-asleep”.  Buh?  Is sleepwalking taboo?

More adding a towel to Satoko here as well.

Part 12, Epilogue 1, and Epilogue 2:

Nothing here at all.

Tea Party:

In the original, Takano describes the gruesome scenes of the gas coming in and the villagers foaming at the mouth and dying, in the PS version this is “the tragedy unfolding”.

In the original, Rena introduces the new “character sprites” that appeared, in the PS version it’s “new guests”.

In the original, Satoko says Irie had too many appearances and too much dialogue to be a minor character.  The PS version adds “too strong a role”.

Again, the PS version removes the fourth wall, as “the next scenario” is changed to “from now on”.

Rena introduces Chie as not having a character sprite till this arc, which isn’t true in PS, so that’s changed.

In the original, it’s lampshaded that Chie is a ripoff of Ciel, and Rena laughs nervously about the suggestion.  In the PS this is changed to a curry joke.

Ooishi mentions Angel Mort by name in the original, this is changed to a generic resturant in the PS.  Did a restaurant use that name?  This can’t be copyright, can it?

In the original Rena used watashi (I assume), the PS changes it to her using Rena in the 3rd person.

Irie calls Higrashi a “sound novel” in the original, in the PS he calls it an “adventure suspense” game.

Some rewriting of K1 giving Mion the doll, making it more obvious it’s a choice.  (In PS, I think it is.)

Still can’t call Rina Teppei’s lover.  “Cohabitant”!

In the original, Satoko states “if Keiichi gave Mion the doll”.  In the PS, it’s “if he understood her feelings properly” (I think), which is pretty much more accurate.

In the original, Mion says next time she’ll pound nails into Shion, and even says “bang bang”.  This is made into more general threats in the PS version.

“Sacrifice” is changed to “Offering”.

Tomitake “dying” is changed to “Dropping out of the story”.  No one dies in Higurashi!

Irie standing in for Teppei is lampshaded more in the PS version, where Teppei has a sprite.  They say it’d be a pain to go get him.  Also, Irie’s heavy breathing in his maid line is cut.

Again, Rena is made to speak third person when she punches everyone to death.

Keiichi and Shion revealing the new arc is changed a bit in the PS, but it doesn’t seem to be censorship, just rewriting.

In the original, K1 and Shion announce she’s the next main character as if it’s a big deal.  In the PS, Shion says “it’s no big deal”.

Shion says the late-appearing younger sister has been more popular since the days of TH (aka To Heart) in the original, changed to “galge” in the PS.  Copyright avoidance.

There’s some confusion on my part as to whether K1 says he’s not the main character – this may be due to the way the order the arcs play out on the PS.

In the original, Shion mocks Keiichi and insists he’ll still have no sprite; in the PS she’s far nicer to him.

Rena talks about this being the end of the first half, and the next arc being the “Investigation Arc (Temporary Name)”  It became Answer Arc eventually.  In any case, the PS version mentions Someutsushi and is vaguer about how far into it we are.

Mion predicting Shion getting tortured and meeting a violent death is toned down in the PS version.

TIP 1:

Mion saying Satoko was a Soviet military advisor is changed to a generic country.

“Vietnam” becomes “a guerrilla battlefield”.

TIP 2:

Tomita and Okamura’s voice actors weren’t available, I assume, so their revenge on Satoko is silent, as K1 lampshades.  It even says their mouths are full of lime, which is why they aren’t speaking.  In the original, of course, they speak.

TIP 6:

It’s our two most popular contestants, “drugs” and “lover”!  Both changed.

[vulva-o-queef]

@hestiaq​ (making a new post because I don’t want to keep reblogging a long threat)

I’m really sorry for what you were put through. I sincerely hope you’re in a better situation now and doing okay. That’s horrific.

I remember the Ted Bundy bit you’re talking about- and she’s…. honestly quite right? If enough men have NPD/ASPD a few of them are going to seem intelligible, I think. I don’t really understand what you’re saying about Ted Bundy- if it’s tongue in cheek or not.

Okay, like I said, I haven’t seen this post she made. necromancerdoll just said that larps said sociopaths/psychopaths “can’t perform well in society/function with others.” I know aspd and being a sociopath are often considered the same thing, and I know a lot of them are pretty transparent assholes. Psychopathy isn’t a formal diagnosis at all, but criminal psychologists do use the term, and there’s a pretty solid consensus on what it means. Some people say psychopaths are a subset of sociopaths, and other people say it’s a similar but distinct thing, but in either case, one of the main characteristics of a psychopath (which a sociopath doesn’t, or doesn’t always have) is that they’re smooth and charming, and they use those traits to manipulate others.

My comment about Ted Bundy was sarcastic (and probably not in very good faith, but also wasn’t really related to the main point of all this), because saying psychopaths “can’t perform well in society/function with others” is the opposite of the truth. Ted Bundy was charming, socially adept, approachable, and likable, which was exactly how he managed to lure in many of his victims. He would put on a fake cast and ask women to help him get things into his car, which is what that scene from silence of the lambs is based on. Larps might be totally aware of all that and just phrased something too broadly. The only way it would be relevant to the rest of what I’m saying is, if she really meant to say that psychopaths are socially inept, it would be another example of how she tries to speak as an authority on mental disorders she doesn’t understand. Mostly I was just poking fun.

Women are over-diagnosed. But I don’t understand how Larps pointing out shitty behavior is the same as “diagnosing everyone”. Also, she’s talked about how borderline personality is over-diagnosed and often ascribed to women who are dealing with trauma. She’s also not talking about it from a “I don’t personally like them” only- “these people” are people who are cruel and vicious and play victim when called out on their cruel vicious behavior.

Clearly, you and I interpret the things she says about bpd and ‘cluster b’ in general very differently. For one, diagnosing anyone over the internet is absurd. In my first response to her, I did agree that she has made some good points, mostly about the link between autogynephilia and narcissism. But that’s about noticing an overarching theme within a specific population, and there’s already a decent amount of academic writing about that link. Case studies done by real psychologists. Actual studies done with controls and statistics and so on. And even with stuff like fucking “trans lesbian” dating profiles that larps points out herself, there is some solid evidence there due to the sheer repetition of entitled attitudes, fetishism, etc, the list goes on. My issue is with the way she thinks she understands BPD when she clearly doesn’t, how she applies “cluster b” or bpd to an awful lot of people, largely young ‘transmen’ or radfems she doesn’t like, and how whenever anyone she’s put down for having BPD tells her to cut it out, or tells her that she’s wrong about them, she dismisses anything they have to say by citing “people with bpd are insane,” or telling them they’re being irrational due to their disorder. Basically she’s using it as a shield to avoid being held accountable for the things she says. “Anyone who’s telling me borderline people aren’t irrational is only saying that because they’re borderline, and therefore they’re irrational!” I’m not saying she’s diagnosing “everyone.” And regarding transmen specifically, there are a lot of psychological factors involved in that situation, and for someone who’s so vocal about the cultlike, exploitative, backwards nature of the trans movement, you’d think she would understand how absurd and frankly just plain egotistical it is to think she can simplify all of those psychological factors and dynamics down to “cluster b.” Again - remember that she’s talking about people she’s never met in her life, usually judging from one blog description, a handful of posts, or sometimes nothing more than a fucking selfie.

Even as a younger girl with supposed “BPD” (who even identified with the label)- I wouldn’t have found this stuff offensive, and if it did (which I might have, and sometimes still do)- it’s really that easy to log off or go outside.

That’s good for you, and I respect your perspective. And you’re right, I could just log off and ignore what larps is saying. You can say that about anything anyone says on the internet, and technically it’s true. But I didn’t. The things she’s saying are ignorant, I find them personally hurtful, and I think she’s spreading misinformation, harmful stereotypes, and regressive thinking. I see that she’s saying dehumanizing and belittling things to women on this site who deserve respect, and probably worst of all, I see that there are a lot of people who look up to her, ask her for advice, sometimes idolize her a bit, and many of them will believe pretty much anything she says. She’s feeding them bullshit and some really vile ideas about mental health stigma, and how people with certain disorders (mainly BPD) deserve to be treated. I don’t think she’s the devil incarnate, and I don’t think she’s out here ruining lives and destroying families. I think she’s an asshole with an inflated sense of her own insight and knowledge, and I decided to say something. I could have logged off, but in this case, I didn’t. That’s all.

...I don’t understand how Larps memeing on a Tumblr blog and often posting insightful ideas about personality disorders is “insulting, ignorant, and dehumanizing”.

Yeah I don’t know what you consider “insightful,” but posting the definition of “insane” and copy-pasting a list of bpd symptoms and saying “see? these people are insane,” and tagging her response to my post with #have u ever noticed how all of these people have personality disorders (callback to “anyone who’s telling me borderline people aren’t irrational is only saying that because they’re borderline, and therefore they’re irrational!”) ...doesn’t quite cut it in my book.

She doesn’t bring up cluster b whenever she “feels” someone is acting unreasonable and dramatic- they… are unreasonable and dramatic- at least in whatever context, and people don’t have to dig deep to see who someone really is to be able to just say “no that’s insane, bye”.

Mmmm... I realize you see the situation differently from me, but am I acting insane? I mean, at worst, I’m making the undeniably blunt way she talks to people into something bigger than it needs to be. And yeah, I know... classic cluster b, amiright? But even if that’s the case, even if I’m misinterpreting her views, surely you can see where I’m coming from. And there are quite a few people who have the same objections that I do (mostly radfems, radfem adjacent women, terves, etc.). When she wrote that tag #have u ever noticed how all of these people have personality disorders, isn’t it clear that she was referring to me, as well as the rest of the radfemmish women who have been speaking against this behavior from her lately? Isn’t she making an assumption that I have a personality disorder (which I do not)? 

Do you really think my objection to the way larps talks about bpd is an indication that I have a personality disorder, and that I’m insane? Unreasonable at worst. But yes, she is absolutely using the excuse that those who object to her saying borderline people are irrational are saying so because they’re borderline/irrational. And like I said, I’m hardly the only example of her saying things like this. Someone just reblogged the original post of all of this and said #I just blocked larps bcuz shes been reblogging random old posts from me calling me a cluster b as bait #as far as I know I’m the only quote on quote crazy bihet that doesn’t have a pd? Someone else wrote #I really looked up to larps hence I’m so torn about this #if I didn’t believe she was a smart and decent well meaning person I wouldn’t care. That’s just on that particular post, within the last few hours.

People with personality disorders are diagnosed because they’re anti social and cause harm to those they “love”/interact with and the cluster b community (that I hung around) spend most of their time groveling in misery- despite often constructing their own fantastical narrative of people horrifically abusing them and demanding to be coddled for every emotion.

Some of them, yeah. Not all of them, and not enough to justify making assumptions about people you’ve never met.

What I mean is- the pain that they’re feeling is an offense to ego a LOT of the time. And other’s shouldn’t have to walk around eggshells to make sure that they don’t injure others egos.

Agreed.

Like it’s not real, rudfems don’t enable or contribute to violence against women. None of these women, no matter how mean they are, contributed to the pain I experienced in childhood for being called BPD- actually it was always men and handmaidens.

I didn’t accuse larps, or any other ‘rudefem’ of contributing to violence against women. I know that men were the reason ‘hysteria’ could be diagnosed in the past, and I know that men are the reason bpd is being overdiagnosed in women today. And I’m honestly not even trying to say larps is being misogynistic to the women she says this stuff to (though re-reading, I realize it could easily sound that way). Misogyny or not, dismissing someone’s perfectly measured, reasonable objection as irrational just because they have a bpd diagnosis - which in several cases, dr. larps diagnosed all by herself - is unacceptable, is the same pattern and circular justification used on ‘hysterical’ women in the past, and is particularly bad because, as we agree, bpd is too often being diagnosed as the new version of hysteria. She’s re-enforcing age-old stereotypes about mental illness, and she’s buying into it so completely that she really believes that borderline people are so unreliable that she knows what’s going on in their heads better than they do. Hence saying that borderline people objecting to her backwards stereotyping are doing so out of a kneejerk reaction to a damaged ego, rather than because they know what she’s saying is false.

Also - she isn’t talking about everyone with “diagnosed” BPD.

If that’s what she means, then she’s the one who needs to say it, not you. Again, I respect that you have a different view of this, and I understand your perspective, I can’t believe what others say about her intentions and supposed read-between-the-lines distinctions, when she doesn’t say it herself, and the things she says and the way she acts do not communicate what you’re saying about her.

Meaning, there’s a distinction between people who have been diagnosed and are suffering, and people who have been diagnosed (or not) and are cruel and have a total lack of insight and disregard for other people.

Mental health is complicated. You can’t divide people with bpd into two clean categories like that. That’s not how it works. And you CERTAINLY can’t lump people into the “bad” category simply because they don’t like how you talk about their disorder. You can’t see someone objecting to what you’re saying and assume that YOU know that they’re coming from a “total lack of insight.” People are not psychic. Larps is using the fact that some people with pds have a lack of self-awareness to dodge accountability when it’s convenient for her. It’s complete circular logic - something you would think she would be above, no? “they’re irrational, and when they complain about me calling them irrational, I can shut them down by saying that any complaint they make is irrational.” I know I keep saying this, but it’s true. In my first comment, I pointed out that this is her pattern, and what was her response? hashtag have u ever noticed how all these people have personality disorders. fucking exactly what I said her response would be, because that’s the only excuse she has. 

And yes, insight is a qualifying factor that “””exonerates”””” (quite a loaded word in this context????) someone from being “really” BPD. The thing about BPD is that they will not (or cannot) change- like it’s not a fixed part of your personality, and if it is- you deserve to be called out, and if it isn’t and you still behave like that… you deserve to be called out, still.

Again, no. If this is the case, then we need to make a second definition to separate “REALLY bpd” from “sorta bpd,” since currently they both meet the same diagnostic criteria. It’s not up to you, or larps, to create definitive new categories of mental illness.

I went from being told I had “borderline tendencies” to being diagnosed with full BPD, to basically nothing at all, because I became aware of those patterns, learned how to be objective about my thoughts and emotions, and practiced resisting them to the point where they only show up if I’m already in a really bad state. I don’t consider myself to have - or to have had - a personality disorder, because I’ve almost completely gotten rid of those mental reactions. But I know people who do have BPD, who are self aware, who are trying the same things I did, but the difference is that even though they now have the tools to keep them in check, those mental and emotional reactions are still present for them, and likely always will be. To say they don’t REALLY have bpd because they’re able to control it is frankly insulting. “If you’ve been able to improve it through treatment, you never really had it in the first place.” I know that’s not how you meant it, but that’s what it boils down to.

BPD is not defined by a lack of self-awareness. It’s a pattern of ingrained emotional and mental reactions (and, subsequently, behaviors). These often develop as a method of self defense against external abuse. Or sometimes there’s no abuse and it’s there anyways. The cause isn’t always clear. But the criteria calling these symptoms “pervasive” doesn’t mean the individual is unaware of them. People who know they have bpd, and who are working on treating their bpd still have bpd.

“...deserve to be called out”... it’s not larps’ business to “call someone out” for having bpd. She can call someone out for acting like a shithead, but simply having bpd is not a flaw that needs to be criticized. Your phrasing makes it seem like that’s what you’re saying, and although I’m pretty sure that’s not what you meant, that’s what larps seems to think.

Not only are neither you nor larps qualified to determine the “category” of bpd that people on the internet who you’ve never met fall into, but even IF that’s how she sees it, then, again, she needs to say that herself, and she needs to reflect that view in the way she treats people.

But to conclude, she really does make that explicitly clear that she doesn’t think everyone with BPD is a “screeching, manipulative, hysteric”.

Where

You made a bunch of excuses for her and I still have no reason to believe any of it is true

However, I’m mostly speaking for myself here because I’ve been hanging around tungle for too long and I mostly want to say that this all doesn’t really matter. Like, so many feminists on here ramble on about “but what about bpd women who get misdiagnosed?” yeah I didn’t face brutality at the hands of snarky women on the internet. These are not the people that even enabled the violence that me or many other women with trauma face.

Again, I didn’t say that. I don’t think she’s destroying lives either, I was just frustrated, saw that many other women are frustrated about her too, and I felt like saying something, so I did. That is the extent of my motivations here. I do think that she is spreading harmful stereotypes and misinformation, but I’m under no delusion that she is causing damage on a massive scale. She is, however, just one more raindrop in the proverbial ocean of mental health stigma. Insignificant as a single drop may be, surely it’s no less significant than any of those people with bpd whose bad behavior you say should be called out. If it’s larps’ business to call them out, then it’s just as much my business to call her out.

It’s not up to her and other women like her to clarify every single thing they say- people DO generalize and we should be able to communicate without having to specify for everyone.

I’m not asking her to clarify “every single thing” she says, I’m asking her to stop acting like a shithead, labeling people she’s never met, acting like she’s an authority on personality disorders, and using her actually wildly skewed perception of these disorders which is steeped in regressive, harmful, and demeaning stigma and stereotypes about mental illness in order to manipulate her way out of being held accountable for any of it. I’m not telling her to stop generalizing for the purpose of communication, I’m asking her to stop making inaccurate generalizations based on stereotypes, and to stop using “cluster b” as a catch-all for bad behavior. Just because someone is a shithead, or unreasonable, or overdramatic, doesn’t make them borderline, and it’s insulting to the people with bpd who are truly good people, who also have to deal with their disorder being an internet trend for self-dx’ers to milk sympathy and excuse their abusive behavior (sounds just like what larps would diagnose as cluster b, I know, but it turns out that many people who don’t have bpd exhibit these traits as well), deal with shitty treatment from healthcare providers who read the diagnosis and think they know everything about you before you even walk in the door (back when I had the ‘full bpd’ diagnosis, a therapist said to my face that people with bpd were considered ‘used goods,’ and my current psychiatrist treats me with an absurd and totally unjustified level of suspicion), deal with the massively pervasive stereotypes everyone else holds about bpd (ranging from ‘serial killer’ to ‘used goods’ to ‘fake trend on the internet to get attention’), as well as dealing with - oh yeah - the actual fucking disorder, as well as often comorbid cases of PTSD, depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc.

I’m just saying, it would be a lot more effective and hurt a lot less people you supposedly didn’t mean to target if you just called out the actual behavior instead of “calling out” a disorder. Additionally, I’m pretty sure that people with bpd who do lack self awareness are far more likely to respond to direct criticisms of their behavioral patterns than they are to respond to the label of bpd being “called out.” They’d just see the latter as more fuel for self-pity. It’s a little harder to justify being the victim of someone saying “hey stop being abusive.”

And if that’s not enough reasons for you, consider: people who have shitty behaviors who don’t have a cluster b disorder (yes, larps, they exist) are just gonna hear criticisms of a disorder they don’t have and brush it right off. Call out the actual behavior, and there’s a chance they might recognize it in themselves. It’s like a quadruple win.

A hallmark of bpd/npd/aspd/hpd is having no insight into that, that people say shit, and you take what you can and leave it-her, or me, or anyone else mincing that up….. doesn’t help bpd women live in a world where nobody is going to mince anything up ever. It did not help me when people coddled me, and I intuitively knew that and was deeply frustrated with it.

You’re right that it doesn’t help to have people make excuses for you or ‘coddle’ you. But not being unfair and pushing harmful stigma is not the same thing as “coddling.” Nor is “not mincing” words the same thing as saying things that are untrue, unfair, dismissive, and insulting. Much like Trump saying blatantly racist things is NOT “just telling it like it is.” (and no I’m not comparing you or larps to trump or calling anyone racist. except trump)

Many of the women who have ‘spoken up’ about larps on tungle, I’ve seen on other mediums (fb, wordpress) and they’re often just blatantly manipulative

Really? Am I being blatantly manipulative? Or insane? And, to reiterate, is what I’ve said on her post enough for her to assume that I - and anyone else raising these issues with her - ALL have personality disorders? Is it justification for her to say that I’m “glorifying” ASPD/BPD?

and will never have any insight to the fact that all of this is really a non-issue

I gave you several examples above, and here's your treasure trove:

https://larpsandtherealgirl.tumblr.com/search/cluster%20b

Notice how she loves agreeing with everyone saying they’ve been abused by someone with a cluster b disorder, or otherwise says something negative about a person/people with a cluster b disorder, makes sweeping generalizations and basically uses “cluster b” with the same tone that you would call someone an asshole - that is to say, using the same logical standards of “you said some shit I thought was rude, so I think you’re an asshole & I’m going to call you one” when talking about psychological medical diagnoses?

Yeah, occasionally she claims she’s only talking about The Bad Ones, but that’s a pretty thin excuse when 99% of the time you make no attempt to differentiate, and post things like screenshotted symptoms (which - if the “good ones” with that disorder actually have that disorder - would apply to the “good ones” too) with captions like “these people are insane.”

Again, I realize you see the things she says very differently from me, but surely you can see where I’m coming from. And I would hope that you can see that my having this perspective does not justify saying I have a personality disorder, that I am insane, or that I am “glorifying” ASPD and NPD. I would hope that the similar shit she’s said about several other women who said things similar to what I said would also strike you as unjustified. You can make excuses that she wasn’t literally diagnosing me with a personality disorder, but you can’t make that excuse every single time she says something like this.

but instead “leave radical feminism because it’s so full of mean lesbian separatists” and make huge texts about it everywhere else and how rfeminism is a cult.

Okay... this is an entirely separate and irrelevant subject and I’m not sure why you’re bringing it up. I mean it sounds like you’re saying “people who don’t like being told they’re insane are just butthurt kek” which I really hope is not what you’re saying. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of radical women who would object to being called insane and having their opinions dismissed because of a mental health diagnosis, who would raise their objections and still believe in their politics, probably due to the fact that - in this context - those things have virtually nothing to do with one another.

My point is- she’s not just saying ppl who criticize her have bpd- they often do because people with personality disorders come out of the woodwork to be hideously angry at anyone who calls them abusive or “wrong” and “bad” (whatever that means at any given moment).

In summary: I appreciate and respect that you interpret the things larps says in a very different way, and I’m not trying to tell you that you should be hurt or anything like that. But I can’t accept what I see as excuses that you’re making for her, since she doesn’t offer any of those explanations herself, and I don’t see any evidence of the intentions you’re attributing to her, in her own words or behavior.

At the end of the day, larps is the only person who can speak for larps’ intentions (much like the people whose criticisms larps deflects by claiming they’re motivated by irrational emotion and a threatened victim complex SHOULD be the only ones who can speak for their intentions).

And at the end of the day, larps didn’t show anything but disrespect and a total unwillingness to even consider that the way she speaks to, and treats, people with bpd and people who criticize her portrayal and internet-diagnosing of bpd, might not be 100% faultless.

At the end of the day, larps read what I had to say about her dismissive attitude and manipulative, circular justification for avoiding accountability. Her response was to double down on calling people with borderline “insane,” and double down on her own belief that googling a list of symptoms makes her an expert on psychology, as well as an expert on the thoughts in other peoples’ heads. She used the exact circular, dismissive excuse I was calling out, yet again said that the people criticizing her were all doing so because of their - well “our,” I should say, since she diagnosed me - personality disorders, rather than their actual thoughts, opinions, and perfectly reasonable objections. And then she answered a bunch of messages laughing about how crazy and terrible “cluster b”s are. No, she didn’t literally say “EVERY SINGLE PERSON with bpd is like this,” but come on. She’s not the only person who can recognize patterns of behavior.

[ruffsficstuffplace]

The Keeper of the Grove (Part 33)

At Weiss' insistence, Ruby carried her all the way back to her hammock for a nap.

“But you're still all muddy and sweaty!” Ruby said.

“Don't care, too tired,” Weiss muttered back.

She slept till the middle of the afternoon, woke up famished and sore. Thankfully, Penny was already back by that time, and her “Mender Protocols” included physical therapy.

“How long is this going to take?” Weiss asked as Penny helped turn her over face down in her hammock.

“No more than a few seconds at the worst!” Penny chirped.

Weiss frowned. “What exactly are you going to do?”

“Almost exactly like you humans do in your hospitals: irradiate you with specially charged magic, in this case for stimulating your sore muscle groups,” Penny explained as she held up her hands, already glowing with a lighter shade of the green energy that held them together.

“This isn't going to hurt, is it...?” Weiss asked.

“Possibly, but nothing worse than a tingle!” Penny said, said as she placed her hands on Weiss' back.

Weiss closed her eyes and preemptively cringed.

The energy in Penny's hands discharged, traveling up and down Weiss body like ripples on a pond. Her muscles did tingle, but not any different than what a vibrating massage module would do, and leaving a pleasant warmth afterward, too.

Weiss opened her eyes, blinking in surprise.

“On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your pain?” Penny asked as she took her hands back.

“Zero!” Weiss asked as she climbed out of her hammock, completely free of soreness. “I feel completely fine!” she said as she stretched and moved about. “Better than fine, even!”

Penny smiled. “Response logged.”

Weiss stomach growled—loudly and angrily, from having missed both breakfast and lunch—and the two of them left for the kitchen. To Weiss' dismay, it'd have to be cookies and milk yet again as all the boar meat was reserved as a buffer for all the predators in the house.

“Where is everyone, anyway?” Weiss asked as they walked in the quiet halls.

“Busy with their duties, or otherwise enjoying themselves at the Bastion,” Penny replied as they entered the kitchen. “Fae generally prefer to spend their free time outside of their own homes and interacting with the community at large; even the most sedentary folks who prefer to spend their time indoors come out at least once a week, and attend most if not all major celebrations and events.

“It's just one of the many aspects of Fae culture you'll be learning about during your education!” she continued as she fetched a plate and went off to the cookie jar.

“My education?” Weiss asked as she headed to the fridge.

“Elder Goodwitch has recently authorized myself to be your tutor in all twelve years of basic education, and my protocols have been updated accordingly,” Penny said as she climbed the ladder. “I will be administering a test later, to properly design a curriculum for you.”

“Got it,” Weiss said as she opened the fridge to fetch the milk.

She noticed that Blake's tuna sashimi was right beside the jug, carefully encased in cling wrap, with a little sticky note on it. It had a crudely drawn picture of Weiss' face on it with a giant X over it. She scowled, and reached for it.

Her grandfather's voice echoed in her head, a line from one of his many video interviews: “Pissing someone off out of spite is about the worst investment you can make; very short-term gain for long-term pain.”

Her hand strayed back to the jug, Weiss pulled it out and shut the door. “She caught it, she can decide who gets it,” she thought to herself as she sat down at the table.

Weiss' life quickly settled into a routine:

Mornings, she'd do farm work, tending to her crops, hacking back a little bit more of the overgrowth to clear space for more plants in the future. She was careful not to exert herself too much as there would be more exercise in the afternoon—weight lifting, running, and even weapons training with all the many varieties of armaments the Fae produced.

Weiss dubiously held up a blade whose hilt could shoot out, connected by a razor wire and an automatic reel system. “How does someone even use this?” she asked, touching the wire and flinching as she cut herself almost immediately afterward.

“Very carefully!” Ruby replied. “If you're fast, have great reflexes, and get up high places easy like Blake, a Breakneck's a great weapon to use!”

“I'm going to regret this, but why's it called a Breakneck?”

“Because we use it a lot for catching fast prey like chickens,” Ruby replied. “You just piss them off with a repeater or a crossbow, run through some trees, tie the wire taught between them, and make them run straight into the wire. Run around so the weighted end loops around their neck, and pull the switch.”

She mimed tugging an invisible rope, and violently jerked her head to the side. “Violin! Roast chicken for everyone. Sometimes you can cut the head clean off and save a whole lot of prep-time!”

Weiss turned green and slowly put the Breakneck down. “I think I'll just leave this to Blake...”

After cooling down with the Fae's version of yoga and meditation, she'd spent the rest of the day studying with Penny. It was mostly focused on learning Actaeon and how Fae society worked, as math, economics, science, and so on were essentially the same as humans.

About the only thing she had a problem with was her learning materials:

“Are these children's books?” Weiss asked as she held up worn, much-loved physical copies of simple, colourful books—some of them with Ruby's name scrawled inside, most of them with her many ancestors'.

“They are,” Penny replied. “The Chroniclers recommended that we use these, as they are both designed to help total beginners learn the language, and contain simplified versions of a lot of the cultural concepts and history that you will be learning later.”

Weiss sighed. “Can't argue with that… what do we start with?”

“This one!” Penny said, holding up a book with the cartoon of a generic-looking Fae on it. “The title translates to 'I Am Fae,' though I recommend you read it all out loud in Actaeon to help you with you with your pronunciation.”

She opened it and laid it down before Weiss. “Now, repeat after me...”

<I am Fae.

<I am of Havalon, our Home.

<I am formed from Her Earth.

<I take breath from Her Air.

<I draw life from Her Water.

<I gain strength from Her Fire.

<I care for myself as Havalon cares for me.

<I care for the Other as I care for myself, for they are also of Havalon.

<I care for Havalon, for She is our Home.

<As Her Bounties feed us, so we feed Her.

<As Her Forests, Her Mountains, Her Seas become our cities, so our cities become Her Forests, Her Mountains, Her Seas.

<As we rise, so She rises with us.

<For I am Fae, of Havalon, our Home.>

They repeated it several times; Weiss struggled to speak it properly, as Actaeon sounded like animal growls and noises, not sounds that humans made normally, to say the least.

“So this is basically Fae religion?” Weiss asked as they took a break.

“It's actually much closer to a constitution or a guiding philosophy,” Penny replied. “Religion is a belief in a higher power or powers, and the effects of Avalon are very real and easily proven, no faith necessary.”

“How so?” Weiss asked.

Penny smiled. “That'd be for a much later lesson. For now, let's start with the basics...”

The days in-between training were followed by even more education, though this time in practical skills.

“Though most Fae tend to have one specialized role as their main career, it's not unusual for them to have a second job to complement the first or serve as a back-up, such as Watchers also working as Makers to maintain their own equipment and serve as insurance should they be crippled or otherwise rendered unfit for duty,” Penny explained. “Some even switch careers several times over the course of their lives, following personal interest or necessity.”

Ruby helped teach her how to maintain her tools, and construct a fence for her garden, using the wood and materials from the overgrowth she'd already cleared. With the help of the Codex and supplies permitting, Penny guided her in making common home remedies and useful products, like “multi-paste,” an incredibly powerful and sticky adhesive that had a nearly limitless amount of uses, from patching up walls, repairing clothes, and even serving as a durable temporary fix to a broken weapon until you could find a more permanent solution. And though Blake was unwilling to teach her how to sew and work leather, Qrow was teaching her how to cook and butcher meat, though Weiss had her reservations as he insisted on doing both only while he was sufficiently drunk.

“I'll have you know I do my best cooking while I'm wasted!” Qrow said as he reheated some stew over the stove, one hand on a wooden spoon, the other holding his flask of “jungle juice.” “Granted, I've also done my worst while I was wasted, but I hit more than I miss!”

Weiss groaned as she cut some carrots to throw in. “Qrow, we're both going to be handling sharp objects, fire, and things that might be both sharp and flammable, I'll learn a LOT better and faster if I know you'll be completely sober if something goes wrong! Or at least MOSTLY sober...”

Qrow groaned as he lifted the spoon out. “Princess, I have done way harder things in much more dangerous conditions while I was even more drunk than I usually am—I've got the footage from my Chronicle to prove it, too!”

“Good for you, but my point still stands!” Weiss said as she slid the carrots into the pot.

Qrow sighed. “Fine. But I decide what we cook, alright?”

“Deal.”

As it turned out, it would be sweet potato fries, as “Nothing tastes better when you're completely fucked up at 3 AM than some nice, greasy sweet potato fries!”

Weiss couldn't match Qrow in precision or knife work, but frying them was easy, and only some of them got burnt. No one really minded the extra crunch, though, especially Zwei who had been kept on hand in case everything went horribly, horribly wrong.

“Man, I really should have fried up some fish or grilled hamburgers for this, these are pretty good!” Qrow said as he ate them. “A lot cheaper than what the fast food joints around here charge, too.”

“Yeah, Weiss, looks like the farming life might really be for you after all!” Ruby said through the fistful of fries she had shoved into her mouth.

Weiss smiled. “Thanks,” she said as she picked up the last plate of fries.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Blake looking in from the doorway, her nose twitching, her expression conflicted.

Weiss frowned, a memory of the now long-gone sashimi and the sticky note flashing through her mind.

Then, her grandfather's voice echoed through her head again, the second part of that quote: “Extending the olive branch to someone you hate, though? Much better choice.”

She walked up to her. Blake looked ready to bolt, before Weiss held up her plate and smiled

Blake looked worriedly at her, caught between the delicious aroma of the sweet potato fries, and who was offering them. In the end, the allure of greasy, hot snacks won out and she carefully picked up one of the smaller wedges.

Blake nibbled on it daintily, her expression brightened. “Is good!” she said in Nivian, struggling with the words.

“Get 'em while they last!” Weiss said, inviting her in.

<Thanks,> Blake replied as she did, a smile on her face now too.

A week later, and thanks to Elder Goodwitch's surprisingly enthusiastic support for Weiss' gardening, she'd expanded her crops to include more vegetables like tomatoes, green peas, and even some herbs for medical and cooking purposes.

Unfortunately, the local wildlife had taken notice, and though insects were foiled easily enough by planting a protective row of pest control plants, the birds were still a problem. Ruby had built a very basic scarecrow out of wood and weeds, even drew an angry face on it, but the animals weren't the least bit fooled or intimidated.

“We need to make him look scarier!” Weiss said. “Do you have any clothes we could use?”

Ruby shook her head. “Sorry, Weiss, clothes are expensive here because we make them to last; we don't throw them away soon as they stop being fashionable, we just take them to a maker and have them changed up.”

Weiss sighed. “Do you have anything we can use, then?”

“I think we can use some of Zwei's old blankets, but I don't think the birds will be scared by this guy wearing a sheet,” Ruby said, gesturing at her skeletal creation.

“We're going to need to hire a maker for this, then...” Weiss said as she headed back inside, shooting a glare at the birds eying her crops from the trees.

Penny was sent to stand out and shoo the birds while Weiss and Ruby scavenged some materials, and began to search for a tailor they could hire on their limited budget.

As she headed back from the bathroom, Blake noticed the naked scarecrow outside, the pile of old blankets and popped buttons on the living room floor, and Ruby and Weiss busy with a comm-crystal, clearly looking through the magical version of the Job Board.

She quietly stole some of the them, and took them back to her room.

Later, Weiss closed her comm-crystal in frustration. “Ugh! This is impossible! Isn't there ANY maker willing to do a job on the cheap?”

“It's highly doubtful,” Penny said as she walked up. “A Makers' products are their living, their pride, and their reputation; if word gets around they did a lackluster job just to make a handful of easy Shinies, there will be serious monetary, societal, and personal costs.”

Weiss sighed. “Never have I thought I would ever regret someone putting quality over profit...” she stopped. “Wait, Penny, what are you doing here? Weren't you watching my crops?!” she asked as she scrambled up.

“I was, but Blake took care of that problem!” Penny smiled. “Look out the window.”

Weiss and Ruby did.

Standing guard over her crops was a scarecrow styled after Jacques Schnee, wearing a white jacket complete with buttons and a red handkerchief in the breast pocket, his arms stiffly held by his sides, his bushy eyebrows and mustache making him look very, very angry indeed.

It wasn't the finest craftsmanship, but it scared the birds, which was what mattered.

Weiss and Ruby turned away from the window as they heard the elevator coming back up.

Blake waved and smiled as she walked on past, her pouch full of sewing tools under her arm.

[jewelwriter]

Beyond Level 1 Presents: Pokémon Part 7 (Sun & Moon)

In this new age of Pokémon, it’s time to say Alola to the world of… a messed up family line.  And a painfully long mess we get to play though in a way.

 Yea… this review isn’t as clean cut as the others and I have had time to play it since Christmas (to evade being on a hype railroad and to try to understand the game where I see it) and I’m glad that I did just that, waited.  My review might not be what everyone wants but then again I’m asking a lot of people to listen to me on this for the count of a few things.  First, sure this is a game of beauty but visuals are objective and I’ll cover this more in flow but when some basics are lost at the expense of others, I worry.  Second, I’m doing another play though to see if having someone different helps but I will say that I’ll never go for the “FIGHTING” type that we got.  AND I WILL DEFEND THIS TO THE END THAT LITTEN’S FINAL EVOLUTION IS A FIGHTING TYPE!  Pardon there. I kind of still don’t see how come people are willing to ignore what the context is on that Pokémon.  And third I will be warning of spoilers where it is due, likely in story and bosses.  Thanks in advance and I’ll let rip my review that goes beyond level 1 of the game Pokémon Sun!

 Control – (Silver)

This is kind of new and yet comfy at the same time. The controls for the over world are ALL linked to the stick to give you a free spot with the D-pad to link up with HM heroes.  That’s what I’m calling them.  Throughout this generation I might as well call them that.  You got running speed fright from the start and can even have a bit of fun. In battle either works which is a bleeping joy and touch helps speed up who needs a change or patch up.  OF course a bigger problem that doesn’t come to mind is how easy it is to miss the bottom screen.  Say high to the thing that ate up all the swift tap buttons to try and save time going to menus and hello to the X button which will house more than 6 but 12 options.  The first is the usual stuff like your Pokedex, your Pokémon, your luggage, your Save, your options, and lastly the Passport which is your trainer ID.  Then the new stuff comes up featuring Pokémon Refresh (the simplified and gutted Pokémon Amie), Pokémon Pelago (your Pokémon Daycare for those who are boxed up with nothing to do.), Festival Plaza (your interaction hub), QR scan (allowing you to SEE all Pokémon in the digital dictionary), Quick Link for local play, and Battle video…which I haven’t gotten anything yet but would go for it if I get some video recordings.  I clearly enjoy how there’s a lot to take in but yet feel it stepped backwards.  So sorry the Silver rating is needed for this section.

Story – (Silver/Gold)

Spoiler Warning take effect here!

A normal game of Pokémon has a story that is stolen by a crazy FAMILY!  Let’s see… the first you met stolen a legendary to be and yet it was also a caring gal that would likely not to be a trainer that we’d see.  And get such a taste of the new challenges of the story where we see a gang wanting to jack things up and an organization that wants to care for those that were hurt...which flipped into a rescue mission and finding out that in the saviors is a really TWISTED b!tc# and she’s the reason her son and daughter ran from the place.  By the GODS what a way to push story into the spotlight!  Also with how she insults the player char in a way kind of hurts for those that are dedicated to a team.  It felt like she was aiming to the competitive players which I would get a laugh about so I feel it’s silly.  And the final battle with the evil President is a bit annoying since her team is “BUFFED” thanks to her ultra-beast infusion though I did use a bit of a smart rear tactic of having a defense jumper up front to make it harder to fight and slow them down with Bulldozer which helps to make a strong combo when it is clear they are unable to get their first move in.  And also a moment about the Gang Leader Gozma (I’ll take him down, take him down and never let up all bout town!) with the stupid wrapping of him and his crew could have did more but gods at least they were more entertaining until I found out that HE was in on the stupid plan of “perfection” and on that I am feeling like the island challenge was a roadblock to try to get to the end of the story and also reach the goal of the Pokémon league.  Though the big surprise to the end is that who is the big battle is a great mix up for the final battle of the story as it can change it up... by going against more than just one obvious char.  The professor, the electric trial captain, Gozma’s Poisonous gal, even a Kahuna and a KID FROM ROUTE 1 WANT YOUR CHAMPION BELT!  That earned this gold barely but I’m also giving silver due to the story to get to that point.

Spoiler Warning ends at this point!

Content – (Bronze)(Metal)

As we know, things might not make it back in a new gen and this is one of them, a favorite of mine: Rotation Battles. Though this in and of itself doesn’t mean it’s at all bad.  It has given us a Pokémon Pelago to allow us grind levels and raise mon how you want (I so far am happy using the egg hatching and be able to Raise happiness for Mon which really require it.  I have only level 2 for the training and spa so I’m trying to earn…. 200+ Beans x2 for the last bits I got all the island updates as of Febuary.) in which is handy for those that play calmly and want to have help while playing the game.  THAT being said, the mini games are entirely… nonexistent here that it makes me sad because there’s mostly NOTHING to really enjoy and Your only means of coinage gain is either by having your Pokémon explore their cave in the Pokémon Pelago or take down trainers and the daily Pukumuku flinging.  It makes for a bad feeling for those that want to play something more to connect to the Pokémon world.  SURE it is stream lined but it will leave someone empty.  This category has BARELY escaped being classified as metal instead of Bronze but it could have EASILY been that for a veteran Pokémon gamer  I’ve rethought this and went with giving this Metal instead for even a veteran trainer would get bored of all the none events in game once you did them all.

Flow – (Silver)

For once I have to talk about the graphics since they kind of bog the game down in a way.  With trainers now kept on screen during battle you are likely slowing the game down and makes one groan at how some battles can take a long time and could even make you feel trouble arriving in the worst of ways: by costing someone more time to play by tournament standings.  For the casual player or someone who is going into doubles/Multi/Battle Royale, it will be a nightmare.  Especially when waiting likely two minutes for the turn to end. Have fun with some of that and how often the story might interrupt your exploration if you need to do an island challenge.  Speaking of, I find them silly in a sense but they do mostly involve battling.  Trial 1: Battle 3 locals and their totem, Trial 2: Take down a fish 3 times with the last one being a Totem fight, Trial 3: Answer and battle 3 answers with the last one being the totem, Trial 4: Find the items and defend yourself be ready for the totem Pokémon, Trial 5:  Audio quizzing and fight 4 Pokémon to turn the lights on when you see the totem Pokémon, Trial 6: Photography with ghost Pokémon and you end up finding how unhealthy the Totem Pokémon is obsessed with Pikachu.  And Trial 7 is actually a remix of the trial you did in the DEMO of the game. The only familiar feel of former gameplay I obtained came from the four Grand Trials, they felt like real gym leaders to me and I got to enjoy those battles.  Especially when it is not an SOS Pokémon come in.  With certain gamers then it’ll be a pain but for others it is a required wait to get though the game in certain manners.

Bosses – (Bronze/Silver)

Spoiler Warning take effect here!

Is it odd that I feel like the totem Pokémon, the very thing Game Freak and the Pokémon Company highlighted in the game’s advertisement were not the real boss characters?  Yea, they aren’t.  IF I added them they would be a brought the game down to a bronze here.  The saving grace were the Grand trials, Team Skull and the large twist before you get to the last island (Poni island and no friendship isn’t magic there) and after you gotten though all the trials of Poni Island. The favorite for this gamer was the final battle of the first Elite Four.  To me it felt like the REAL rival was hidden in the back and trying to be sure you reach the top to see where you stand with you and your Pokémon.  And for once it will not happen often as you’ll have to defend your belt from as mentioned before your true rival who you only would fight here, various chars that you took on like Lille’s Brother, Hau, and even the former Team Skull babysitter and as said before, a current Kahuna.  If one were to add those together and not the totems, you’d earn the rank of Silver solidly at the least.  Well that and spanking the President’s behind while she had her team jacked up.

Spoiler Warning ends at this point!

Overall – (Bronze/Silver)

On the personal side I’d go give this a Bronze since it means that Pokémon has started to slip and in no way can I sugar it to myself.  For a competitive scene I’d keep with Gen six for a while longer though happy times trying to fight in the new gen without having a big issue and I’ll be the stick in the mud to say Pokémon isn’t going onto the Switch as a mainline game but if a new handheld is revealed one can hope but it is for sure isn’t the Switch as I am using the logic that I got from watching for ages to get a good guess.

[-|-|-]

I almost can’t wait for this generation to be corrected.

[williamlwolf89]

The English Grammar Guide: Everything Writers Need to Know

Let’s get real here.

You’re a creative thinker, not a nitpicky English grammar geek.

When you sit down to write you like to write, not dither around with mechanics. You have freelance writing gig to complete, a marketing email to compose, or a term paper to turn in.

So when your powerful words start flowing, you don’t want to get in their way by thinking about all those little details.

Not to mention the time factor. As in you can barely find the bandwidth to write as it is, let alone edit for grammar.

But you also care about being perceived as intelligent and credible. And you’re smart enough to know that for your writing to be taken seriously, it needs to come across as polished and correct.

The problem is, it’s been a long time since Mrs. Pendergast’s sixth-grade English class. And you were pretty hazy on the grammar rules even back then.

Searching the Internet can quickly turn into a dive down a black hole of examples that don’t really fit (“thanks, but I’m not an ESL student trying to learn English”) and barely remembered terminology (“what the heck are dangling participles and question tags?”).

A handy writing tool like Grammarly or another grammar checker can certainly help, but you need more. What’s a writer with good intentions but limited time and resources to do?

Well, here’s the good news. Language evolves, and as it does, so do our notions about what is “correct.” You might be surprised to learn that some of what Mrs. Pendergast taught you is now considered outmoded.

Of course there are still rules to follow, but read on, and you’ll find they’re no longer quite so intimidating.

And with a little repetition, applying many of them will soon become second nature.

Ready to rock and roll?

Parts of Speech: The Basic Building Blocks of Language

Let’s start with a quick and painless (promise!) grammar lesson by reviewing the parts of speech. Not because you’ll ever need to spot a transitive verb in the present subjunctive at fifty paces, but simply because we need some common terminology for talking about the basic building blocks of language.

Yes, there are subcategories, exceptions, and sometimes even controversies about the parts of speech (you ain’t seen nothin’ until you’ve seen grammarians duking it out over the finer points of language), but for our purposes we’re going to keep this simple.

Nouns

If you grew up in the United States, you probably remember the old Schoolhouse Rock song:  “A noun is a person, place or thing.” Just remember that things can be abstract concepts as well as physical objects, and you’ve got it.

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Then find a friend to whom life handed a large bottle of vodka, and take your pitcher of lemonade over to her house.

And speaking of lemon-filled objects, there are both direct and indirect objects. “Kevin hates lemons” would be an example of a direct object. “Kevin gave Michelle his lemons” would be an example of an indirect object.

Finally, you’ve singular and plural nouns, and common and proper nouns.

A singular noun names one object (“I threw a lemon“), whereas a plural noun names several (“I threw many lemons“). A common noun is a generic name for an object (“I threw a lemon at him“), while a proper noun refers to the object by name (“I threw the lemons at Jeff“).

Verbs

Verbs come in a variety of flavors (phrasal verbs, verb tenses, irregular verbs, auxiliary verbs, modal verbs, intransitive verbs, past tense, simple present, simple past, active and passive voice…), but we’ll keep things super simple:

Verbs are the action words which describe forms of doing and being.

If I just stepped on a corn flake, does that mean I am now a cereal killer?

Adjectives

Adjectives “modify” (further describe) nouns.

I’m an effective worker. In fact, I’m the most productive person I know when it comes to unimportant tasks!

Adverbs

Adjectives “modify” (further describe) nouns, and they can be comparative or superlative.

Time is extremely precious, so waste it wisely.

Pronouns

Pronouns replace nouns. They come in several varieties (relative pronouns, personal pronouns, demonstrative pronouns), but in basic terms they shorten and simplify sentences that would otherwise be far too long and cumbersome.

When I want your opinion I will give it to you.

(rather than: When Michelle Russell wants the opinion of the person now reading this article Michelle Russell will give that opinion to the person now reading this article.)

Prepositions

A preposition shows the relationship between a noun or pronoun and another element in the sentence.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Conjunctions

A conjunction shows the connection between the elements of a sentence structure.

She bought a new boomerang but couldn’t manage to throw the old one away.

A correlative conjunction connect two grammatical items that are equal. Examples would be either/or and both/and.

He both loved and loathed it in equal measure.

Interjections

Interjections are stand-alone exclamations that act as conversational fillers, often expressing emotion.

Yes! With sufficient thrust behind them, pigs can fly!

Determiners

Determiners are sometimes considered parts of speech and sometimes not. In either case, they are small words that introduce nouns.

My mother always told me a bargain is an item you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Quantifiers

Similar to determiners, quantifiers are words that before nouns. However, instead of introducing them, quantifiers give us an amount.

He ate lots of bacon. Lots and lots of bacon.

Punctuation: The Mortar Between the Bricks

When you’re building a house, you don’t just drop one brick on another—you need to cement them together with some mortar. When you’re writing, if the parts of speech are your basic building blocks, then punctuation is that mortar.

Can you imagine reading text without any punctuation at all well in the earliest days of writing that is what it was like you can see how difficult it must have been can’t you

See how that’s like just stacking bricks with nothing to connect them? Add some punctuation and the wall is now firmly constructed:

Can you imagine reading text without any punctuation at all? Well, in the earliest days of writing, that is what it was like. You can see how difficult it must have been, can’t you?

Punctuation gradually evolved in different forms across cultures as a way of helping people figure out where to pause, and for how long, when reading out loud. The problem was, everyone did it differently, This was understandable when all writing was done by hand, but once movable type was invented the need for standardized punctuation became clear.

Even so, we’re still arguing about it. Grammar school might have led you to believe that we’ve successfully standardized things . . . but in a language as fluid as English, there is still a lot of room for interpretation. Let’s go over the main points of confusion, and you’ll see where the hard-and-fast rules are and where you get to decide how you want to punctuate things.

Commas

No form of punctuation sparks more controversy than the poor comma.

It’s a horribly overworked symbol to begin with, struggling with a full schedule as a conjunction splitter, quotation clarifier and phrase definer while also moonlighting as a separator of list items. It tries so hard to please everyone, but sadly, we all disagree on its exact job description.

So let’s give the comma a little love here and appreciate it for all that it does.

When a sentence contains an introductory phrase, the comma tells us so by separating it.

Any time a brief pause is indicated, in fact, the comma should be used.

A comma will mysteriously appear whenever one main action happens at the beginning of a sentence, and then even more happens after a conjunction like or, and or but.

Commas also cheerfully separate lists of more than two items, such as a bunch of blogs, a parade of posts, a set of sentences and a party of paragraphs.

Of course if you’re using what is known as the serial comma or the Oxford comma, that would read “. . . a set of sentences, and a party of paragraphs.”

So should you use the serial comma or not? Either is fine. Just be sure you’re consistent about it one way or the other.

In fact, the best general rule of thumb for commas overall is that there is no general rule of thumb. Even the old grammar guide that says to “use a comma wherever you would pause in speaking” is misleading, because we all speak so differently. (Imagine where the commas would fall, for example, in Morgan Freeman’s speech as opposed to Christopher Walken’s!)

One final note. Don’t overuse commas, but keep in mind that sometimes you really do need them to make your meaning clear.

Learn how to cut, marinate, and cook friends!

…reads very differently than…

Learn how to cut, marinate, and cook, friends!

Just sayin.’ 🙂

Colons and Semicolons

The colon is used to signal that some very specific information is coming—most often a list. Sometimes it’s a bulleted or numbered list . . .

There are three types of people in the world:

those who can count

those who can’t

. . . and sometimes it’s a list right there in a sentence.

If you want to make sure you get something done today, try adding these to your to-do list:  wake up, make to-do list, cross off first two items on to-do list.

The semicolon indicates a pause that’s a little longer than a comma but not quite as long as an end-of-sentence period. It’s an elegant way of joining two phrases or sentences that might otherwise stand alone. This can be desirable when you’re at the editing stage of a post and you want to vary the pacing between shorter, crisper sentences and longer, flowing ones for the sake of variety and interest.

Zach was surprised; Tina turned out to be trustworthy after all.

Just don’t overuse semicolons; it will make you look slightly pretentious.

Apostrophes

Apostrophes are very often used to indicate the omission of letters.

Don’t tell me it’s already 10 o’clock!

(replacing the missing letters from do not, it is, and of the clock)

But the primary use of the apostrophe is to show possession. You already know the basic rule for this—use ’s when the possessor is singular and s’ when the possessor is plural.

the cat’s toys (the toys that belong to only one cat)

the cats’ toys (the toys that belong to more than one cat)

However, if the plural form of a noun doesn’t already end in the letter s, you should add ’s rather than s’.

Why did you interrupt the children’s game? (not childrens’)

Here’s a common sticking point—what about when the singular form of a noun ends with an s? Editors wielding opposing manuals of style argue about this one all the time.

The truth is, both of the following forms are acceptable, although the first is generally more preferred:

James’s best friend

James’ best friend

To show possession by more than one singular person or thing, an ’s on the last one is all you need.

Hey, check out Cheryl and LuAnn’s new website!

Finally, be careful not to imply possession where there is none.

One of the best examples of this is what Lynne Truss, author of Eats, Shoots & Leaves, famously bemoans as the “greengrocer’s apostrophe” because of its frequent appearance on produce signs—that tiny bit of punctuation which turns simple, unwary nouns into raving mutants of unnecessary possessiveness.

Orange’s and lemon’s – 2 for $1.00

Freshest crabs’ this side of the Atlantic

Kids’ eat free all day!

These are all, quite simply, clueless mistake’s.

Hyphens and Dashes

The three types of horizontal punctuation marks are:

the hyphen (the shortest one): –

the en dash (the middle one): –

the em dash (the longest one): —

(The en and em dashes are so named because in the days of fixed-type printing presses, they were the width of the capital letter N and the capital letter M, respectively.)

Most people use the hyphen only, and most of the time that’s fine when blogging. However, if you want to be scrupulously correct, you should use the en dash between date ranges and page numbers.

Pages 43–45 explain how World War I (1914–1918) wasn’t actually called that until after World War II (1939–1945) happened.

And you should use the em dash when you want to indicate a sudden shift in thought or tone, give more information, or lend some extra emphasis.

Dash it all anyway, she thought to herself—he looked positively dashing!

Many writers get confused about when to hyphenate compound words (groups of words that act as a single part of speech) and when not to . . . and why the rules seem to change from one sentence to the next. Let’s take a quick look at that.

When the compound word is a noun, hyphenate it when it’s clearly naming one single thing:

Fred gave his daughter-in-law a Jack-in-the-box.

Compound adjectives can be trickier. Here’s the rule—when it comes before the noun it modifies, hyphenate it. When it comes after the noun, don’t.

Look how quickly you became a well-known writer!

but . . .

She was well known for her business acumen.

(Note the exception that when the first word of a compound adjective ends in “-ly,” no hyphen should be used. So in the sentence “It was a beautifully written poem, ” “beautifully written” would not be hyphenated even though it comes before the noun. Hey, what would English be without annoying exceptions?)

Finally, use a hyphen for clarity when there might otherwise be confusion.

Don’t be surprised to see a bunch of fat-cat contributors appear around election time. (Without that hyphen, how would we know this sentence wasn’t talking about a group of overweight people who donate felines?)

Quotation Marks

Quotation marks serve a few important functions.

They are used, of course, to show when someone’s words are being directly quoted or spoken . . .

“I do not believe so, sir,” replied Jeeves.

. . . but they can also indicate technical jargon, slang, or otherwise unfamiliar or non-standard terms.

The doctor briefly explained the difference between “in vitro” and “in vivo” pregnancies.

Calvin proudly displayed his new “transmogrifier” to Hobbes.

Quotation marks are used around the titles of short works such as poems, songs, book chapters, articles, short stories, and program or presentation titles (but not long works such as entire books or series, which are italicized).

He could never remember whether “In Which Tigger Is Unbounced” came before or after “In Which Piglet Does a Very Grand Thing” in The House at Pooh Corner.

Incidentally, when it comes to dialogue, you should start a new paragraph every time there is a change of speaker—even if the new speaker says only one word. This helps the reader keep track of who is saying what.

“Get over here now!” yelled Harriet.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I’m tired.”

The biggest confusion about quotation marks is usually over where the punctuation at the end goes—inside or outside?

In the United States, at least, here’s how it works:

Periods and commas go inside the quotes.

“I never said such a thing,” she stated firmly. “And you can quote me on that.”

Colons and semicolons go outside the quotes.

That’s the thing about “Bohemian Rhapsody”; even if you never want to hear it again, you know that you know all the words by heart.

Question marks and exclamation points depend on the context. If the question or exclamation is part of the quote itself, it goes inside, but if it relates to the larger sentence, it goes outside.

“Don’t come near me!” Becky cried.

Did the customer really ask for a “girl cheese sandwich”?

British English is different. Those who “speak American” use double quotation marks, but those who ‘speak British’ use single quotes. British writers also place the comma or period outside the ending quotes rather than inside them.

A bit barmy, eh, mate?

Ellipsis Points

These are the three spaced dots or periods used to show that something has been omitted from a quotation. (They are sometimes also used in a creative sense—but that’s a different story.)

The formal rules can get pretty technical, but unless you’re blogging in the legal or literary field, just remember this. If the part just before the omitted section is the end of a sentence, you should use a period as usual, then the ellipses.

“Yes, it was definitely the ketchup, Your Honor. . . . No, he left the mustard behind.”

And if the missing section occurs mid-sentence, just use the ellipses.

“Over the river . . . through the woods . . . hey, isn’t that Grandma’s house?”

Note the spaces between the ellipsis points—this is technically the right way to do it (and if you were being excruciatingly proper you’d use something even thinner called a “hair space”), but it’s also fine to run them together instead (like…this) as long as you’re consistent about doing it all the time.

Parentheses and Brackets

Parentheses tell us that something helpful but not absolutely necessary is being added.

See this helpful (but not absolutely necessary) parenthetical phrase?

But where does the punctuation go?

If the parenthetical phrase is in the middle of a sentence (like this), punctuation like that comma goes outside the parentheses because it relates to the sentence as a whole.

If the parenthetical phrase ends the sentence, the punctuation still goes outside the parentheses if it relates to the sentence as a whole (like this).

But If the parenthetical phrase is a sentence all by itself, the ending punctuation goes inside the parentheses. (Like this.)

Sometimes you can have both, which is correct even though it looks pretty weird (like this!).

Parentheses are often used as formatting devices to make information visually clearer.

The ideal person: (a) doesn’t smoke, (b) doesn’t drink, (c) doesn’t do drugs, (d) doesn’t swear, (e) doesn’t get mad, (f) doesn’t exist.

Square brackets are used to show when clarifying information within a quote is not part of the quote itself . . . or around the Latin term sic to show where a mistake really is part of the quote.

“This example [of a blog post] contains no speiling [sic] errors.”

Square brackets have a handful of other specific uses, such as in dictionary definitions, but they can also be utilized as visual or stylistic devices in the same way as parentheses.

What about brackets inside of brackets?

If you need multiple levels of closure [when one enclosed phrase (such as this) is inside another], you should use square brackets on the outside and parentheses on the inside.

Creative Punctuation

If you’re a blogger, you are freer than writers in the more traditional forms of media to have a little fun with punctuation.

So don’t be afraid to use it in creative ways that lend flavor and tone.

You can use ellipsis points to show . . . um, hesitation.

Use long (em) dashes to signal abrupt transitions — like this! No — this!

“Those dashes are also great for showing when a speaker gets cut off in mid-conver—” she said.

Many bloggers (perhaps too many of us) use emoticons made out of punctuation. 😉

You can even invent your own ways to build . . .

.

.

.

you know . . .

.

.

.

suspense.

Just use creative punctuation like this sparingly. Be sure that it enhances and clarifies your message rather than needlessly muddling it.

Abbreviations: Handy Linguistic Shortcuts

Abbreviations are useful (and sometimes colorful) devices for shortening common words and phrases, but using them correctly can be a bit confusing.

Do you abbreviate the United States of America as USA or U.S.A.? (I strongly favor the latter, but different strokes for different folks.)

Should you start a sentence with an abbreviation like FYI? (In formal writing this is traditionally frowned upon, but in a blog post it’s usually fine unless it looks clunky.)

What does FUBAR stand for, anyway, and should you spell the whole thing out? (I’m certainly not telling you here, and it entirely depends on your audience.)

If you start blogging for an organization that has a style guide, go with whatever it says. If not, look up the abbreviation in the dictionary for guidance on how to spell and use it properly.

If you’re still in doubt after that, it probably doesn’t matter too much anyway (depending, of course, on your audience). Just pick one way and use it consistently. For example:

If you decide to use periods when abbreviating U.K. (where, incidentally, they refer to periods as “full stops”), be sure you do so when abbreviating E.U. and U.S.A. as well.

If you abbreviate the days of the week, standardize them to three letters each—e.g., Thu. (not Thurs.), Fri. and Sat.

i.e. vs. e.g.

While we’re on the topic of abbreviations, let’s talk about these two Latin terms. They are very often used interchangeably, but they actually mean two different things.

I.e. stands for id est, or “that is.” It’s used to further explain or restate something in different words.

The Hephthalites are known to have practiced polyandry; i.e., the marriage of a woman to two or more men.

E.g. stands for exempli gratia, or “for example.” It’s used to do just that—give one or more examples.

He liked all kinds of leafy green vegetables—e.g., lettuce, spinach and kale.

Here’s a memory aid for recalling when to use each of these two phrases. Instead of worrying about the Latin translations, just remember:

i.e. = in other words (both start with i) or In essence

e.g. = example given

Also note that a comma is used after the final period in each of these abbreviations.

To introduce the abbreviation, in most cases you can use either a comma, a semicolon, a colon, an em dash, or a set of parentheses. Again, just be sure you’re consistent in whatever choice you make.

He liked all kinds of leafy green vegetables, e.g., lettuce, spinach and kale.

He liked all kinds of leafy green vegetables; e.g., lettuce, spinach and kale.

He liked all kinds of leafy green vegetables: e.g., lettuce, spinach and kale.

He liked all kinds of leafy green vegetables—e.g., lettuce, spinach and kale.

He liked all kinds of leafy green vegetables (e.g., lettuce, spinach and kale).

The only caveat here is that if the text that follows the i.e. or e.g. could stand as an independent sentence:

They did what they always did at wedding receptions; i.e., she got tipsy and he flirted shamelessly with the new bride.

. . . you should not introduce the phrase with a comma—use any of the other punctuation methods. My own personal preference is the semicolon, as above, but any of them except for the comma would fine.

Foreign Terms: Exotic Expressions

Foreign words are another bone of contention among editors and other professional wordsmiths. The general consensus, though, is that if a term is likely to be unfamiliar to your readers, italicize it.

She executed a perfect nikkyo and her attacker instantly dropped to the floor.

Carmen’s schädenfreude as she watched Alonzo writhe in agony was chilling to watch.

But if the word has become a commonly accepted part of English, there’s no need to italicize.

Sorry—can you please read that back to me verbatim?

The company gave its employees carte blanche to wear whatever they wanted to work.

These same guidelines apply to common Latin abbreviations such as etc. and our buddies i.e., and e.g. from just above—they are now so common that they don’t require italics.

But expect to run into people who will argue that ad nauseam.

Numbers: A Source of “Total” Confusion

Ah, numbers. So many questions about them, and so many ways to be inconsistent. Let’s take a look.

Spelled Out vs. Numerals

Opinions on this differ widely. In general, spelling out numbers comes across as more formal, but possibly a little bit snooty. Of course, depending on the context (She lived at Eighty-Eight Kensington Road, where she routinely inspected the brass railings for dust using her spotless white gloves), that may be exactly what you want.

One common convention is to spell out any numbers from zero through ten and numerals for 11 and higher. But visual consistency should override this, so make exceptions where numbers are close together.

Once her blog posts became easier to read, she went from gaining about 3 subscribers a month to a startling 150.

Don’t begin a sentences with a numeral, even if it’s a small number.

Four hours ago I was simply minding my own business when . . .

Numbers in titles are another point of contention. Should your new list post be titled “10 Ways to Be a Kickass Knitter” or “Ten Ways to Be a Kickass Knitter”? Many writers use numbers in headlines because they’re more quickly readable, but it’s up to you.

Dates

Format dates however you like, but be consistent about it. If you start off writing 8/16/99, don’t switch to 06/23/72 later on. If you spell out January 1 when blogging about your New Year’s resolution, don’t update your readers later in the year by sticking letters at the end of the date on May 31st.

Years should be written in numerals, and when they’re abbreviated, the point of the single apostrophe should face left.

Their first single hit the airwaves in 1983, followed by two more in ’86 and ’88.

When referring descriptively to a decade, don’t include an apostrophe between the numbers and the letter s.

CORRECT:

He’s a child of the ’80s.

She’s a child of the 80s.

He’s a child of the 1980s.

INCORRECT:

He’s a child of the ’80’s.

She’s a child of the 80’s.

He’s a child of the 1980’s.

Century names can either use numerals or be spelled out, but should not be capitalized.

Sometimes I wish I’d lived in the 19th century. (or) Sometimes I wish I’d lived in the nineteenth century.

Times

The rule here is pretty much “no rules.” It doesn’t matter if you write 6:30 am, 6:30am, 6:30 AM, 6:30AM, 6:30 a.m., 6:30a.m., 6:30 A.M. or 6:30A.M., as long as you do it the same way everywhere.

(In some countries a period is used in clock times rather than a colon—e.g., 6.30 A.M.)

It’s better to write “noon” and “midnight” rather than “12:00 p.m.” and “12:00 a.m.” (which make people have to think too hard.)

Percentages

Use the percent sign (27%) or spell it out (27 percent)—either is fine. Pick one way and use it.

Currency

The main mistake writers make here is doubling up the currency symbol and the word. If you write $1 dollar it’s like saying “One dollar dollar.” A simple $1 (or 1 dollar or one dollar) is the correct way to go.

Same thing with larger ranges. If someone is already a millionaire, don’t inflate their wealth even further by giving them $10 million dollars. Either $10 million or 10 million dollars is just fine, thank you very much.

Number Ranges

In general, any number range, whether dates (1785–1802), pages (pp. 23–38), or some other type, gets that medium-length dash, the en dash, between its numbers.

When giving number ranges within text, don’t mix up words and symbols. People often make this mistake by writing things like They were married from 1975–2010 instead of They were married from 1975 to 2010.

Common Pitfalls

Now let’s move into some of the typical areas where writers get confused. You know the ones I’m talking about—those tricky cases where you just know there’s a rule, but you can never remember what it is.

Subject/Verb Agreement

The “subject” of a sentence is whatever person or thing is doing the main action—what you might call the primary noun (or nouns). The subject should “agree” with the verb about whether they should both be singular or plural.

To mix them just sounds wrong. If I were to write “You and I is smart,” you’d know that one of us wasn’t.

But subject/verb agreement gets trickier with vague-sounding pronouns and more complex sentences.

The word and makes a subject plural (i.e., there is more than one main actor), so the verb should be plural too.

You and I are smart.

With the word or, it depends on the actors. If they’re both singular, the verb should be singular.

Goran or Lisa was at the pub every single time I walked in.

But if one is singular and the other is plural, the verb should agree with the one closest to it.

Either a candle or flowers were sitting on the Chens’ mantelpiece at all times.

In the case of “indefinite pronouns” (so called because they refer to somewhat vague numbers of things), you should determine whether the noun the pronoun refers to is singular or plural.

None of the food is very healthy.

(“food” is a collective noun that stands for one thing, so use the singular verb “is”)

None of them are going to the movie.

(“them” indicates multiple people, so use the plural verb “are”)

Anybody here want seconds?

(“anybody” refers to any one body/person, so it’s singular—use the singular verb “want”)

Most of my guest posts were quickly published.

(“most” refers to a number of individual posts, so use the plural verb “were”)

But amazingly, neither the post about the mating habits of the Brazilian termite nor the one on different types of postage stamp adhesive was accepted anywhere.

(both “neither” and “nor” refer to one single post, so use the singular verb “was”)

Don’t get confused by interrupting phrases and relative clauses. Like newly infatuated lovers, the subject and verb will always agree with each other no matter what comes between them.

That painter with the big orange pickup truck filled to the brim with buckets, brushes and ladders drives down my street every day.

That vs. Which

This is an old problem with a surprisingly easy solution. Look at the phrase or clause you’re considering and ask yourself, “If I take it out, will the sentence still have the same basic meaning?”

If the answer is yes, use which.

If the answer is no, use that.

Another way of looking at it is to consider whether the clause is, or could go, inside a pair of commas. If so, use which. If not, use that.

The map, which they used to drive cross-country, is in the glove compartment.

The map that they used to drive cross-country is in the glove compartment.

Both sentences tell us that the map in question is in the glove compartment, but mean different things.

In the first sentence, what the people used the map for is incidental. It’s as though the writer is saying, “The map is in the glove compartment. Oh, yeah—by the way, they used it to drive cross-country.”

The second sentence, on the other hand, refers to the specific map they used. (There could be other maps, too.) “Where is the map they used to drive cross-country? It’s in the glove compartment.”

First case, extra information. Second case, central to the plot.

See the difference?

Who vs. Whom

Running a close second behind “that vs. which” in the confusion competition is the “who vs. whom” conundrum. This is another tricky dilemma with a simple solution.

If you could substitute “he or “she,” use who.

If you could substitute “him” or “her,” use whom.

For example:

I haven’t seen the guy who lives down that hallway for weeks.

(because he, not him, lives down that hallway)

The kids, one of whom was fortunately wearing glow-in-the-dark sneakers, were found later that night.

(because one of him, not one of he, was found)

If this is unclear, switch the pieces of the sentence around first and then see which word works better.

For example, is “Who do you think will win?” correct, or should it be “whom”?

First switch the sentence so that it reads “Do you think WHO will win?”

Now do the substitution both ways. Which sounds right, “Do you think HE will win?” or “Do you think HIM will win?”

Obviously it’s the first one, so “Who do you think will win?” is correct.

What about this one? “I wonder who I’ll be paired up with for the scavenger hunt.”

First switch the sentence around: “I wonder I’ll be paired up with WHO for the scavenger hunt.” (I know that sentence is awkward and incorrect, but it’s just for the sake of figuring this out.)

Now which is right—“I wonder I’ll be paired up with SHE for the scavenger hunt” or “I wonder I’ll be paired up with HER for the scavenger hunt”?

HER sounds correct, so the original sentence should read, “I wonder whom I’ll be paired up with for the scavenger hunt.”

In casual conversation, though, sometimes whom sounds a bit stilted. “Whom should I cheer for?” (or, for complete sticklers, “For whom should I cheer?”) is technically correct, but the people next to you at the big game may look at you strangely, and not just because you don’t know which side you’re on.

So when it comes to your blog, know which way is correct, but don’t be afraid to bend the rules a bit here for the sake of sounding more conversational.

Who vs. That

I’ve saved this one for last because, frankly, I don’t agree with the rule.

I strongly feel that writers should always refer to people as “who” rather than “that.” However, my research indicates that my strong opinion on the matter has become outdated.

I flinch whenever I read (or hear) sentences like “Kobe Bryant is the athlete that inspired me to play basketball.” Not that Kobe needs my help, but to my ear, referring to him as “that” instead of “who” dehumanizes him.

Apparently, I’m old-fashioned in believing that people are people, not things. But for the record, it is now apparently permissible to refer to people as either “the folks who” or “the folks that.” (Ew.)

I’m pleased to say, though, that a thing is still always a “that.”

You can’t say “the company who patented the Giant Gizmo” because a company (the opinions of corporate lawyers notwithstanding) is not a person. It’s a non-living entity (the opinions of some science fiction writers notwithstanding). So you need to say “the company that patented the Giant Gizmo.”

More Tricks (& Traps) of the Writing Trade

We writers are living in tough linguistic times. The lines between formal written language and the more casual spoken word have blurred tremendously with the explosion of personal computers, e-mail, and the Internet.

So how do you successfully walk those lines? How do you ensure that your posts are conversational yet correct, compelling yet credible?

To return to our “building blocks” metaphor from earlier in the post, you need to take a step back from the level of the individual bricks (what we’ve been discussing up until this point) and consider the overall construction of your building.

Your goal as a writer isn’t to simply heap up ramshackle stacks of words. You want to move people. Inspire them. Educate them. Persuade them to think differently. To take action.

To do that, you need to look at the larger issues. Are your walls straight and attractively laid out? Does your building look inviting? Can you construct its rooms so that visitors are naturally led from one to the other in the sequence you’ve designed?

Much of this ability comes with the study and practice of effective writing techniques, and is outside the scope of a single post on grammar, no matter how long. What I can show you today, though, are some of the common ways writers leave stumbling blocks scattered around the floors of their word-rooms.

Clean those up, and you’ve gone a long way toward leaving a clear path through your writing.

Parallel Construction

Humans love patterns. We key into them to help us make sense of the world . . . and you can use them to help your readers make sense of your writing.

I’m not saying you should make your writing so robotically regular that it becomes predictable and monotonous.

But if you want your readers to roll smoothly along from one idea of yours to the next, using parallel structure is like laying parallel train tracks.

Both of the following sentences essentially say the same thing. Which is easier to read? Which packs a stronger punch?

Persuading others comes from a mixture of thinking through your ideas, thorough organization, and then presenting them clearly,

To persuade others, think through your ideas, organize them thoroughly, and then present them clearly.

It’s the second sentence, of course. Why? The first one uses a mixture of noun forms–gerunds (“persuading,” “thinking” and “presenting”)—in which “-ing” is added to the verb to create a noun—and “organization,” a more regular, though abstract, noun. You can follow the sentence, but you have to work a little too hard at it. The parallel verb forms in the second sentence (“persuade,” “think,” “organize” and “present”) make it much easier to comprehend quickly.

Note that you could also re-cast the sentence this way: “Persuading others comes from a mixture of thinking through your ideas, organizing them thoroughly, and then presenting them clearly” (using gerunds throughout). In general, though, simpler verb forms result in clearer writing.

Bonus credit if you realized you could make the structure even more parallel by adding an adverb (such as “carefully”) after the word “ideas”! It would then have the form “. . . (VERB) through your ideas (ADVERB), (VERB) them (ADVERB), and then (VERB)  them (ADVERB).

Sentence Fragments

Here’s a so-called grammar rule that seems pretty basic on the surface—every sentence should be complete. Meaning, traditionally, that it should have a subject (the main actor/actors), verb (the main action) and, if applicable, an object (what the action happens to).

Anything less is called a sentence fragment.

Except . . .

Remember earlier, when I told you that some of what Mrs. Pendergast taught you back in English class is now considered outdated?

This is one example. Unless the context in which you’re writing is very formal (sorry, corporate and legal bloggers), sentence fragments are perfectly fine in blogs—and a lot of other writing—these days.

With one caveat.

Your meaning must be clear.

See what I did above with except . . . and with one caveat? You understood what I meant because the text flowed. So what if they were technically fragments?

In fact, as a blogger you should probably make it a point to introduce sentence fragments every now and then, depending on your personal style (sorry, Mrs. Pendergast). They let you spice up your writing by playing with pace, tension and emotion.

One more caveat. Fragments? Use them sparingly. Like a condiment. Even though they’re legit. Because why? Using lots of them feels choppy. Not wrong, precisely. Just hard to read.

See?

Run-On Sentences

The opposite of a fragment is a run-on sentence, in which you will find more than one complete thought, each of which really deserves its own sentence, but there’s just too much going on at once and it gets really hard to keep track of all the players, which happens a lot when a writer gets really excited about her subject matter and goes on at length without adding a period for quite a long time and the sentence ends up sounding quite flustered and out of breath.

Unless you’re deliberately using a run-on sentence for dramatic or illustrative purposes, like I just did, don’t use them.

One way of avoiding them is to read your posts out loud as part of your editing process. If you find yourself literally running out of breath before running out of sentence, look for ways to break the run-on sentence into more than one.

It’s all about developing a listening ear with regard to your own writing. And about keeping things clear and simple for your readers.

Dangling Modifiers

Misplaced modifiers—often called “dangling modifiers” because of the way they just sort of hang there, not being clear about what they’re modifying—are some of the most amusing mistakes in all of Grammaria.

Check these out:

Driving past the graveyard late last night, the twisted old tree frightened me.

(I’d love to know where that tree got its driver’s license.)

She wore a bright red baseball cap on her head, which was obviously much too small.

(Yeah—her head was so tiny the cap came all the way down to her shoulders.)

The distraught young man was comforted by the psychologist who had just taken an overdose of sleeping pills.

(I bet that was a real consolation to the young man.)

Here are some much clearer re-writes (though not the only possible fixes for them):

As I drove past the graveyard late last night, I saw a twisted old tree that frightened me.

That bright red baseball cap on her head was obviously much too small.

After he took an overdose of sleeping pills, the distraught young man was comforted by the psychologist.

Split Infinitives

Here’s another area in which you can gleefully waggle your finger at old Mrs. Pendergast and say, “You were wrong!”

An infinitive is the form of any verb which starts with the word “to”—to go, to dance, to have written, etc.

It is supposedly a grammar faux pas to split an infinitive by sticking extra words between the “to” and the rest of the verb. However, this is now considered outmoded thinking . . . and it certainly never stopped Captain Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise from heading out into space, to boldly go where no man had gone before.

In fact, the split infinitive is often clearer than the alternative. Which of these sounds better to you?

Carl’s nasty old landlord threatened to double the rent, plus even more of an increase on top of that, if Carl went to the rent board about the broken washing machine.

Carl’s nasty old landlord threatened to more than double the rent if Carl went to the rent board about the broken washing machine.

You’ll be glad to know it’s finally considered okay for you to boldly go and split some infinitives, too.

The Golden Grammar Rule for Busy Writers: Create a Style Sheet

We’ve covered a lot of ground here—thank you for sticking with me! Clearly, you are a tenacious soul. 🙂

I’d like to leave you with one closing thought.

One word, really.

Consistency.

We are a pattern-seeking species—something that is hard-wired into us for basic survival reasons. Our nervous systems are keenly attuned to inconsistencies in our environment.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s the subtle striping of a tiger through the bushes or a set of square brackets instead of the usual curved parentheses—our primitive brains don’t register relative importance, only difference. They simply flash the signal, “Something is wrong here.”

Whether this response is conscious or unconscious, that is not the feeling you want your readers to have.

That’s why I’ve stressed consistency throughout this post, and why you should aim for it in your writing. Here’s one great way to ensure it.

Ever wonder how professional copy editors can catch a misspelled name on page 549 of a manuscript when it hasn’t appeared since page 23? They use a nifty little device called a style sheet.

I suggest you do the same.

A style sheet is a quick-and-dirty list of your key editorial decisions, all in one place so that you can check it easily. Whenever you reach a new decision about how to handle something, it gets added to the list. This personal set of editorial standards helps you write more consistently over time.

Does that author you refer to all the time spell her name Catherine or Katherine?

Do you vacillate between writing email and e-mail?

Have you decided to call your webinar series “Best-Kept Secrets of Highly Amazing People” or “The Best-Kept Secrets of Highly Amazing People”?

Do you have a hard time remembering that decades should be referred to as the ’60s and ’80s rather than the 60’s and 80’s?

Jot it down or type it into a running document. When you need to check because you’ve pulled another all-nighter and you can’t see straight, let alone remember such mind-numbing little details, they will be there for you.

No Need to Take an American English Course. You’re Ready to Banish Your Grammar Gremlins for Good!

Your time is your most valuable resource. It’s the only thing you have that can’t be renewed.

Obviously this means you want to spend as much of it as you can on high-level activities, creating and sharing the things that only you, of all the people in this world, can contribute.

But you also want to be sure that you’re doing that clearly and convincingly through each and every blog post you publish. And that means a certain amount of time spent on grammar. It’s simply a part of crafting your message.

But now you can minimize the time you spend on this in two ways:

Bookmark this post. The more you refer back to it, the more quickly you’ll find what you need. And the more often you use it, the better you’ll internalize the information, so that over time you’ll automatically remember more and more of the rules and guidelines on your own.

Start your own style sheet. (See the section just above.) Take the extra moment to record each editorial decision you make. A few minutes here and there, in the beginning, will pay off hugely as a time- and stress-saver down the road once you have a nicely comprehensive list of “how you do things” when you edit your own posts.

Both of these resources will help you become a faster and more efficient self-editor, freeing up more time for the creative work that is at the heart of what you blog about . . . and why you blog in the first place.

Go get ‘em, you creative thinker, you.

The post The English Grammar Guide: Everything Writers Need to Know appeared first on Smart Blogger.

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The Secret To Creating A Persuasive Three-Minute Pitch.

Three minutes. That’s not much time – barely enough to make a cup of coffee or brush your teeth in the morning. But according to experts that’s all the time you need to deliver a successful pitch. In just three minutes, you can sell even the toughest of audiences on any good idea, product, service, or business. 

Your pitch has three minutes to succeed.

Imagine you’re about to have a meeting with some potential investors, customers, partners or collaborators. You’ve got an amazing idea, product, service or company to pitch to them. You know it’s a winner. The only problem is they don’t even know what it is or how it works, let alone why it’s so great. Heck, for all they know, you’re just another person with a bridge to sell. 

In other words, you’ve got a lot of explaining and persuading to do – so you better pull out all the stops, right? Design an hour-long PowerPoint presentation that explains everything in meticulous detail. Fill it with a bunch of clever animations, jokes, one-liners and catchphrases. Practice all those tips and tricks you’ve learned about public speaking, sales, and persuasion.  

That’s the traditional approach – but it gets everything backward. The truth is you’d do a whole lot better if you did the opposite. Simplify the PowerPoint – or even ditch it altogether. Cut out the fluff. Forget the gimmicks. Stop worrying so much about your delivery. Focus just on conveying your key information as clearly and concisely as possible – three minutes maximum. 

The alternative is to shoot yourself in the foot. That’s because in today’s fast-paced, digitally-connected world, people are constantly bombarded with information, advertising, and various other demands on their time, money, and mental bandwidth. As a result, their attention spans are short, and their patience is even shorter. They’ve got zero tolerance for hot air, long-windedness, gimmickry and anything else that wastes their time or insults their intelligence. They’re savvy, skeptical, and quick to pass judgment on whether your message is credible, relevant, and interesting to them. 

So, sure, you might have an entire hour booked for your presentation. But by the end of three minutes, your audience will already be leaning yes or no on your proposal. From that point on, you can continue yammering for another 57 minutes, but the die is already cast. Your audience is going to filter the rest of your presentation through the prism of their initial judgment. If it’s positive, they’ll be eager to learn more, and they’ll be receptive to what you have to say. If it’s negative, they’ll be doubtful, critical, resistant, bored or just plain tuned-out. Either way, you’re unlikely to win them back. 

In other words, three minutes isn’t just a suggestion; it’s a rule. Whether you realize it or not, you only have three minutes to win over your audience. The question is simply this: Will you design your pitch around the three-minute rule to maximize your chances of success? Or will you ignore it at your peril? The choice is yours. 

The three-minute rule also applies to your audience and the people they have to pitch to. 

The prospect of losing your audience is bad enough, but the problems of breaking the three-minute rule don’t stop there. To see why, let’s look at what happens even in the best-case scenario when your pitch goes long. 

Imagine you’re pitching an idea for a business venture to a group of representatives from another company. Your pitch drags on for an hour, but you somehow manage to maintain their interest the entire time. 

So far, so good, but here comes the problem. Even if they’re fully on board with your idea by the end of your presentation, they’re probably not the only decision-makers who need to sign off on it. Usually, they’ll have their own people they need to persuade. For example, they might have to get approval from their legal and finance teams. As a result, the success of your pitch ultimately depends on how well your audience pitches your idea to other people. If the legal team shoots it down, you’re out of luck. 

Now, remember, your pitch is going to form the basis of their pitch. After all, that’s where they’re going to draw their information from. And here, once again, you’re being your own worst enemy if you go long. Why? Because even if your one-hour presentation is brilliant, your audience won’t be able to replicate it. They’re going to forget most of the details and half-remember the rest. 

Plus, they won’t have enough time to repeat it all in the first place – not by a long shot. If Jerry from legal stops one of them in the hallway and asks her for a recap of your presentation, she’s not going to chew his ear off for an hour. They’re probably going to have a three-minute conversation in passing. And during that conversation, she’s just going to take her jumbled collection of fragmentary, muddled memories and reel them off the top of her head. 

The resulting “pitch” won’t be very impressive, to say the least. Jerry is probably going to walk away confused and unconvinced. Now, imagine what would have happened if you’d given your audience a simple, snappy three-minute pitch to remember. Jerry would probably be a lot more on board with you right now, and your idea would be one step closer to becoming a reality. 

Once again, the lesson is clear: at the end of the day, your pitch has only three minutes to succeed. 

You don’t need to say everything you think you need to say in a pitch.  

Okay, sure – a three-minute pitch would be ideal. But is it actually feasible? How on Earth do you squeeze all of your information into a mere three-minute presentation?

The short answer is: you don’t. You’re going to need to be much more selective with your content. The key is to realize that there’s a major distinction between what you think you need to say and what you actually need to say when you’re giving a pitch. And the problem is that many of us tend to think we need to say everything. 

For example, let’s say you have a start-up, and you’re pitching it to potential investors. In that case, your temptation would be to explain every single aspect of your company: what it does, how it does it, why it does it that way and so forth. 

Now, you know all the details of your company inside and out, and you know how they all interrelate. In your mind, they form an intricate tapestry of information. The more you trace the threads, the more complicated it all seems, and the more you feel like you need to convey that complexity to your audience. One detail leads to another and then another. Pretty soon, you end up with a convoluted one-hour lecture that’s going to put everyone to sleep.

But in reality, most of those details are irrelevant to your audience – at least for now, when you’re still at the stage of pitching to them. Remember, the point of a pitch is to win your audience over to the thing you’re pitching – your company, in this case. To do that, you simply have to convey the general concept of it to them in a way that gets them interested in learning more about it. 

At that point, they’ll want to know about the details, and you can dig into them during a follow-up presentation or a question-and-answer session. But until your audience is interested in the general concept of the thing you’re pitching, most of the details are just going to seem like a bunch of boring facts and figures to them. If you start by focusing on them, you’re putting the cart before the horse.  

Your pitch needs to answer four questions: What is it? How does it work? Are you sure? And can you do it? 

In theory, the objective of a three-minute pitch is pretty simple. You just need to capture the basic concept of the thing you’re pitching and communicate it compellingly. Of course, that’s much easier said than done. How do you actually do it? 

The exact details are going to depend on your topic and your audience, but there is a general template to follow. The essential idea is that by the end of your pitch, you need to answer four fundamental questions about the thing you’re pitching. 

The first two questions are: What is it and how does it work? These are the most fundamental questions to answer about your topic. By answering them, you’re going to enable your audience to conceptualize the thing you’re pitching. That’s a prerequisite to getting them on board with it. After all, they’re not going to sign up for something if they don’t understand what they’re being asked to sign up for. For instance, if you’re asking them to invest in your new invention, they might need to understand what it does, what the point of it is, what the market for it looks like, how it operates, how you’re going to manufacture it and so forth. 

Now, in answering the questions of what it is and how it works, you’re going to be making some bold claims about the thing you’re pitching. Naturally, your audience will want you to back them up. That’s where the third question comes in: Are you sure? To answer this question, you’re simply going to provide some facts and figures that will reinforce the claims you’ve previously made. For example, if you claimed the market for your invention was a certain size, you might provide some data to support that assertion. 

At this point, your audience should understand how and why the thing you’re pitching represents a good opportunity for them. There’s just one question left to answer: Can you do it? For example, based on your answers to the previous questions, your invention might sound like a great idea, but do you have the ability to bring it to market? By answering this question, you’re going to reassure your audience that you can deliver on the thing you’re proposing. 

So those are the four questions in a nutshell. Lets take a closer look at how to answer them effectively. 

The four questions you answer in your pitch can be reinterpreted into a wide range of other useful questions. 

Imagine you’re being profiled by a magazine, and the interviewer asks, “Who are you?” If you interpret the question narrowly, you might just say your name – a pretty boring response. But if you interpret it broadly, you might describe your personality, talk about your values or offer a concise version of your life story – potentially a lot more interesting. 

The same lesson applies to the questions you’re answering in your pitch. To get the most bang for your buck with them, you need to be creative with the way you interpret them. And that means reinterpreting them into other, closely related questions that fit the thing you’re pitching and the audience you’re addressing. 

For example, consider the first question: What is it? You should now consider related questions your audience might have about the nature of what you’re pitching. If it’s a service, they might want you to explain what problems it solves, who it can help or what makes it unique. If it’s a business venture, they might ask about the potential payoff, or why this is a good time to pursue it.

In the same vein, the question “How does it work?” should lead you to anticipate other questions about how you’ll deliver on what you’re promising. For example, if you’re pitching a project, how long will it take? How will you accomplish it? What resources do you have at your disposal? 

Likewise, the question “Are you sure?” encompasses any concerns your audience might have about whether you can back up your claims. For example, if you said your service was the best in the industry, what do your reviews say about it? What kind of stats do you have? 

Finally, the question “Can you do it?” relates more broadly to your ability to deliver on your promises. For instance, if you claim you’re the right person to lead a project, your audience might want to know about your training and background. They may also ask how you’ve dealt with similar challenges in the past. 

So that’s how to think outside the box when you’re interpreting the four main questions you’re answering in your pitch.

Make sure your pitch is filled with your most important and interesting information. 

Picture yourself in the mid-2000s. You work in Hollywood, and you’ve got an idea for a TV show to pitch to network executives. It’s called Pirate Master. 

What is it? Here’s the literal answer: it’s a reality competition show that’s sort of like Survivor, only it’s set on a pirate boat. Here’s the better answer: it’s the latest idea from Mark Burnett, and he thinks it could be the next smash hit.   

Now, that might name not ring a bell, but to the network executives, it would be music to their ears. At the time, Burnett was the hottest producer in television. He was riding high on the success of Survivor and The Apprentice. For executives hearing about Pirate Master for the first time, the information about Burnett being at the helm would have been way more notable than the premise of the show itself.

As you’re answering the questions of your pitch, take a page from this scenario and think about which information will be the most interesting for your audience. 

You’ll also want to think about this while you narrow down your answers into your final pitch. For each of the many questions you generate from the four original questions, you should come up with a short, one-sentence answer. Look through these sentences, and cut the ones that aren’t interesting or important enough to include in your pitch. Remember, you only have three minutes, and you want to pack this time with your most essential and compelling material. 

You should also leave out sentences that require too much explaining. You simply don’t have time for anything that gets too into the weeds of your topic, like technical details. Leave these for your follow-up presentation or a question-and-answer session, when your audience will be more interested in them. 

In the end, you should cut your material down to 25 sentences. As a rule of thumb, you should aim to answer the question “What is it?” in nine sentences, “How does it work?” in seven, “Are you sure?” in six, and “Can you do it?” in one. The first two questions are the most essential ones to answer in your pitch, so they should receive the most attention.  

Your pitch needs an opening. 

At this point, you should have 25 sentences, packed full of valuable information about the thing you’re pitching. If you were to put them in a logical order and read them out, you’d already have a serviceable three-minute pitch. But to bring your pitch to life and maximize its impact, there are a few more elements you need to have in place. 

The first one is your opening. To start your pitch, you should begin by telling your audience about your reason for being. This is the story of how and why you became interested, invested or involved in the idea, product, service or company you’re pitching to them. Now, you can’t tell the entire story; you’re just looking for a sentence or two here. With that in mind, try to remember your “aha” moment – the moment everything clicked and you realized you were onto something with whatever it is you’re pitching. 

For an example of how to turn an “aha” moment into an opening, let’s look at the pitch that Brant made for the TV show Bar Rescue. In case you’re not familiar with it, Bar Rescue is a hit reality TV show in which the host, Jon Taffer, helps to turn around bars and nightclubs that are failing. 

Brant’s “aha” moment occurred when he realized something about Taffer: he’s a man with a huge, over-the-top personality – but he also has a lot of expertise in his field. He wasn’t just a character; he was also a longtime business owner and consultant in the food and beverage industry. It was this winning combination of personality and depth that modern audiences craved. And it was this same combination that led to the success of celebrities like Simon Cowell and Gordon Ramsay. 

So Brant talked about this in his opening. He simply walked into the room and said, “Hello, everyone, I‘m here because I found you a talent with a big personality, but also a lot of depth.” He then proceeded with his pitch, describing Taffer in more detail and laying out the premise of the show that would be built around him. 

So that was Brant’s opening. If you need more help with figuring out your own “aha” moment, here are some questions to get you started: What makes you excited about the thing you’re pitching? When did you discover it? And what surprised you when you started looking into it? 

Your opening needs a callback. 

When did you start to believe you had a winning idea, product, service, or company on your hands? And when did you become convinced that your belief was correct? 

The answer to the first question provides the opening to your pitch, where you tell your audience about your reason for being. The answer to the second question provides your pitch with the next element that’s going to push it over the top: the callback. This is a moment in your pitch where you return to your opening and tell an anecdote that helps to illustrate and confirm your reason for being. 

To see how this works, let’s go back to the example of Brant’s pitch for Bar Rescue. Remember, he opened with the idea that Jon Taffer, the would-be host of the show, was a man with a winning combination: a huge personality and a deep well of professional expertise. After describing Taffer and the premise for the show, Brant called back to his opening and drove it home with a simple but memorable anecdote. 

Here’s the story: one day, Taffer was showing Brant a blueprint for a bar he was designing, and he pointed out something called a “butt funnel.” Of course, with a name like that, Brant had to know more, so he asked what it was. It turns out a butt funnel is an area of a bar where a corridor becomes so narrow that patrons have to rub their butts against each other to scoot by. 

When they’re designing a bar, experts like Taffer think about how the patrons’ foot traffic will flow through the floor space, and they purposefully build a butt funnel into it. Why? Because it will boost the patrons’ endorphins and foster a friendly, intimate and sexually charged atmosphere. And all of that lends itself to people buying more drinks. 

By the time Taffer finished explaining all of this, Brant was convinced: here was a man who knew his industry. 

So what was the moment you became convinced you were onto something? When did your belief turn into a conviction? It might not involve as catchy a name as a “butt funnel,” but if you dig through your memories, you should be able to find a quick and compelling anecdote to tell your audience. 

Preempt your audience’s skepticism by acknowledging the elephant in the room.  

You know that moment in a movie when the protagonists seem to be on the edge of defeat? It’s called an “all is lost” moment.

To create your own “all is lost” moment, you simply tell your audience about a problem that jeopardized – or continues to jeopardize – the viability of the thing you’re pitching. Then, you tell your audience the way you overcame or plan on overcoming the problem. For example, if you were pitching an app, you might talk about a major technical issue you encountered during your development phase, and then you’d talk about how you resolved it.  

The rationale here is that your audience wasn’t born yesterday. They know that every major human endeavor faces challenges and setbacks, and they know that the road to success is a bumpy one. If you tell them that everything has been and will be hunky-dory with the thing you’re pitching, they’ll be skeptical. They’ll start looking for problems. That means they’re going to be approaching your pitch from a critical standpoint, rather than a receptive one. It also means they’re no longer going to be fully listening to you; they’ll be drifting off into their own thoughts, wondering what you’re not telling them.

At the same time, you’re also going to lose credibility with your audience, since it’ll seem like you’re trying to hide something from them. By the time you’re done with your presentation, they might even feel resentful toward you. Meanwhile, they’ll have thought of some problems on their own, and now you’ll be in real trouble. They’re going to ask you questions in a combative spirit, and they’ll be suspicious and critical of your answers. 

So why not preempt all of this by admitting a problem upfront? The advantages are numerous. You set your audience’s skeptical tendencies at ease. You nip their criticality in the bud. You make yourself seem credible. You secure their attention. You focus them on a problem you already have a solution for. And you thus transform the problem from a potential liability into an advantage. After all, the alternative is to wait until they ask about it – and by then, you’ll have already turned them against you. 

To maximize the impact of this element of your pitch, ask yourself the following questions: What problem are you most hoping your audience won’t see? What question are you most fearing they will ask? 

Make that your “all is lost” moment. Get ahead of it; don’t let it come back to bite you.

Finish your pitch by making sure it has a correctly placed hook and an edge. 

Now that you have your opening, your callback and your “all is lost” moment, there are just two last elements of your pitch to make sure you have in place. The first is your hook and the second is your edge. 

Your hook is simply the element of your pitch that will make your audience think, “Wow, that’s cool!” Your edge then provides your audience with a vivid illustration of your hook. For example, consider a pitch by Jeff, the owner of a plumbing company. His hook was the fact that his company’s innovative method of re-piping homes turned a previously major renovation into a minor one. His edge was an anecdote that illustrated how minor the renovation had become: once, his company was able to replace the pipes of an entire hotel while it remained open to guests. That’s how inconspicuously they could do their work! 

To find your hook, just look at those 25 sentences you wrote and identify the one that makes you feel the most excited. Then think of a snappy anecdote to illustrate it. That’s your edge. 

Finding your hook and your edge is usually pretty easy. The tricky part is using them effectively. The key is to avoid the temptation to start with your hook. Yes, it’s your strongest piece of material, but you need to wind up to it.  

To see why, imagine if Jeff went up to his audience and said, “Hi, I’m Jeff. My plumbing company can take a previously major renovation and turn it into a minor one! Let me explain how.” By doing this, Jeff is starting with a bold but unsupported claim, and now he needs to back it up. That puts his audience in a skeptical and adversarial mindset. They’re thinking: “Oh yeah? Prove it.” 

In contrast, imagine if Jeff explained how his company just drilled small holes into a house’s walls, inserted flexible pipes into the pre-existing pipes, and left those old pipes behind, all in a single day. At this point, his hook would almost be a foregone conclusion – and that’s precisely how you want your hook to seem. 

By the time you’re done walking your audience through the core concept of what you’re pitching them, they should already be on the verge of thinking, “Wow, that’s cool.” With your hook and your edge, you’re just going to hammer down the nail you’ve already set. 

To persuade a skeptical, savvy and impatient modern audience, your pitch needs to be under three minutes. To create a persuasive pitch that fits into that time frame, it needs to consist of about 25 sentences that answer the following questions: What is it? How does it work? Are you sure? And can you do it? To maximize the impact of your pitch, you then need to make sure it has an opening, a callback, an “all is lost” moment, a hook and an edge. 

Action Plan: Put it all together. If you follow the instructions in this post, you’ll have all the elements you need for your three-minute pitch. But how do you put them all together into a final pitch? Obviously, you start with your opening. Then you convey the basic concept of it by answering the questions “What is it?”, “How does it work?” and “Are you sure?” Then comes your “all is lost” moment. Follow that up by delivering your hook and your edge. Then do a callback. Finally, close your pitch with your answer to the question “Can you do it?” Keep in mind that some of these elements may go hand-in-hand with each other.