#ok nah i get he did some TERRIBLE things but his story depresses me a lot

[icebrooding]

"Second?" Cadeyrn frowned. "Why am I second? I have awakened before the rest."

Just some ramblings on one really unfortunate secondborn.

I remember reading someone calling Cadeyrn 'just a cartoon bad guy', which I think is a really oversimplified way of taking his character arc.

All quotations are from Dream and Nightmare and Requiem: Caithe.

Cadeyrn was, by nature, something very special. He was the very first of an entire new generation of sylvari, and he expressed his self-importance as soon as he was born. He awoke with something of an ego, which was immediately sniped down because despite being the first of his generation, he is instantly regarded as 'second' because of the twelve firstborn.

While this is very likely just a rational 'well, we existed first, so we are first, and he is second, because he came after us', to Cadeyrn this is a pretty hefty blow; it's not like he would have believed he was the first sylvari ever when he notes that 'none of the others in (his) dream have awakened', but is perfectly receptive to the firstborn's presence and explanation of how/why he is there. He is not trying to claim in this moment that he is the 'most important sylvari', rather that he is special in his generation for being the first to awaken out of all of them.

He feels special much in the way the firstborn feel special; but they've basically shot that feeling down immediately.

The next part of his story focuses on his 'aberrant' nature compared to his siblings. When he sees Malomedies' grievous injuries at the hands of the asura, his first instinct is vengeance.

"We must kill them all." Cadeyrn's eyes flashed dark gold, and his hand clenched around the hilt of his sword.

At this point in their lives, the asura at the only other 'major' race they have encountered in person and lived to tell the tale of (as I assume Riannoc never came back to the Grove with Waine). To Cadeyrn, he is seeing the asura much like the asura saw Malomedies. At this time of their lives, the sylvari would not really know of races beyond humans (Ronan) and centaurs (Ventari), but they would know of hostiles in the jungle. It's perfectly valid that Cadeyrn saw asura as just another hostility rather than another 'major race' like them.

Regardless, Cadeyrn voices his viewpoint and is chewed out for it. And while Kahedins is correct on the lines that revenge is generally a bad idea, this marks the first (noted) time that Cadeyrn is immediately shot down and lectured at regarding Ventari's tablet.

"It is not enough! How will Malomedies find peace if he does not take revenge?" Kahedins stared disapprovingly. "Revenge? Revenge is not our way. Have you not studied Ventari's tablet?" As the secondborn lowered his head belligerently, Kahedins lectured, "It is written, 'The only lasting peace is the peace within your soul.' You should meditate on that, Cadeyrn, and consider its meaning."

Cadeyrn's next observation is interesting;

Cadeyrn glanced at Trahearne, whose expression was as black as his own. No soldier would say such things. No one who had ever lifted a blade to stop oppression, or placed themselves in danger to free innocents, would say that revenge was unfitting.

This is an important moment, signalling that perhaps Cadeyrn could have found kinship in Trahearne, who appeared to be harbouring the same kind of negative emotion he had. Some violent nature beneath. The fact that after mentioning his brother, he goes on to talk about soldiers, stopping oppression, or sacrifice, implies that these are things he knows Trahearne has done/is like. Thus, he has confidence that on this occasion, Trahearne will have his back. That the first of the firstborn will agree with him that sitting back and accepting apologies is not the way to go about this.

Abruptly, Trahearne looked up toward the spreading boughs. "Yes, Mother," he answered a whisper only he could hear. Chagrined, the necromancer unclenched his fists. "The Pale Tree says we need to concentrate on our true enemy: the dragons. Every ally will be needed." Gritting his teeth, Trahearne finished, "We make peace with the asura." Cadeyrn was not sure what was more troubling, that Trahearne had given in or that the Pale Tree had spoken only to the firstborn. Following suit, he bent his head. "As the Mother wishes."

Trahearne is deeply unpleased with the course of events, and obviously does not agree with the other firstborn on just letting it go. But the Pale Tree swayed his opinion, talking only to him.

While both of her sons are plagued with the same misgivings and yearning for revenge, she only talks privately with Trahearne to persuade his mind back onto the righteous path all sylvari should follow. Cadeyrn is left ignored and his feelings unanswered, when he is the one who needed it the most.

And so, the scene ends with Cadeyrn losing his potential kinship with Trahearne, and feeling uncared for.

After this is the krait incident.

Where he, Niamh and a few younger sylvari are out hunting krait because krait are vicious and murderous. A few of the sylvari with them lose their lives, and upon finding the krait's babies, Cadeyrn wants to continue with the extermination.

"Cadeyrn!" Niamh said sharply. Cadeyrn paused, looking up at the leader of his Cycle in confusion. "Leave them." "But...they are krait." "They are children." "Children." He frowned, for the word had little meaning. "You mean 'they are small.' They are small, but they are krait. They will grow up to be large krait, and then we will kill them. Why not kill them now, when it is easy and they are undefended? It seems the wisest course of action. Otherwise, we risk losing more sylvari lives when these return fully grown."

And frankly, Cadeyrn has a point. If the example had been almost anything else, he would come across as being murder-happy, but (despite it being problematic) krait have genuinely no other alignment. I understand that due to their youth, it's likely none of the sylvari are truly aware of the krait's nature; but in this one instance, he is justified in seeing this as the right course of action.

He is viewing the situation pragmatically; he knows that doing this now could save more lives in the future. And Niamh is looking at the situation empathically:

"We must take that risk, to give them a chance to change their ways," the firstborn said. "All things have a right to grow. The blossom is brother to the weed." Soberly, she put away her sword and pushed the altar back. Beneath it, Cadeyrn could hear the snakes scrambling, splashing away into the ocean tide.

But she is not necessarily wrong, either. Cadeyrn is correct in outside-universe terms, where we know the krait, but Niamh is correct in-universe terms, where the sylvari still barely understand them.

"Again the firstborn quote the Tablet when I ask for logic." He growled beneath his breath. "I do not agree."

And, of course, Cadeyrn's second (known) experience with having his views put down in favour of the tablet with no room for discussion.

After this, an indeterminable number of months later, comes Cadeyrn's breaking point.

"Mother," Cadeyrn murmured, raising his hands in gentle supplication. "I need you." The wind soothed the leaves at the top of the Pale Tree, and Cadeyrn felt her presence. Softly, the Mother murmured, "Son of my bough, what do you seek?" "Wisdom." Tears touched his eyes, and he rubbed them roughly with the back of his hand. "I see the evil in the world; I am told to fight it, but the lessons of the tablet shackle me. They prevent me from doing what is right. We put down our weapons when we should go to the slaughter. We turn away from vengeance when we are wronged, even though our spirits cry out for it. We do not take what we desire, or kill whatever we wish, or use our strength to force the world to hear us! These things are within us when we awaken. Why do we turn away from those impulses? Why do we do not follow our instincts? Always, we justify our actions with this tablet. Why do we not do whatever we want?"

I think it's an important detail that at this point Cadeyrn is on the verge of tears from frustration.

While some of his dialogues are a bit... uneasy and speak to his desires being more twisted than noble ('kill whatever we wish', 'force the world to hear us', 'why (...) not do whatever we want'), there is also the fact that he has been harbouring these feelings for a long time and that they have been constantly brushed off any time he has tried to speak up.

When he talks about 'these things (being) within us when we awaken' he is right to question them, to wonder why his nature inherently has violent impulses and dark thoughts. But these are not addressed. He is left in the dark about part of his core nature, told instead only to focus on the 'good' parts of himself while denying the full reality of who he is. And he cannot work past those things by simply burying them and pretending they do not exist, as that is how he reaches this point. Resentment. Frustration.

The Pale Tree rustled softly. "The most effective path is not always the best one, sapling. As the firstborn have done, you must strive to be good." The words stung. "Who defines 'good?' You? Ventari? Some dead human?" Cadeyrn retorted. "The firstborn are not perfect."

And again it loops around to the firstborn. Even trying to confront his Mother about his own feelings, he is again put in a situation of being compared. And, being aware of the same impulses and thoughts he has being present in the firstborns (Trahearne, likely he has already communicated with Faolain by now), it is a deep wound. In his eyes he is being compared to those as 'faulty' as him, but can do no wrong in their mother's eyes perhaps because they do not voice nor try to act on it. The darkness is only acceptable when it is pushed down and neglected and allowed to fester, instead.

"Would you do evil in my name?" The Pale Tree sighed. "Would you cause devastation, as the charr do? Or justify wickedness in the name of knowledge, as the asura do? No, Cadeyrn. We come into this world to destroy the dragons. We must not lose ourselves in that challenge." "Have we not already lost ourselves, Mother? We are not centaurs or humans. Let me destroy the tablet, and we will see what it truly means to be sylvari." There was no answer. As dawn rose and bathed the clearing in gold, Cadeyrn realized that the tree would say no more.

I think Cadeyrn is valid to be upset that their culture and nature is something they have not cultivated themselves. And we know from Malyck's existence that being raised by their own nature does not inherently lead a sylvari to wickedness; he was as kind and caring as any, but willing to do what he must.

But I think it is interesting also, the way the Pale Tree talks about the other races in sweeping generalizations. Maybe this truly is how she views/ed things; that any race that exposes more of the harsher aspects of sapient nature is in its own fashion 'evil'. That she believes if Cadeyrn were to act on any of his 'negative' impulses, that would make him 'evil' too.

It feels like there is a very black-and-white morality being enforced, and the pressure of that is essentially suffocating Cadeyrn who, while viewing things through an increasingly black lens, is still gray.

Regardless, what comes next is essentially the most important moment of Cadeyrn's life. One that we actually get two viewpoints for.

"She will not hear you." The quiet voice was feminine, but it was not the tree who spoke. Spinning, Cadeyrn readied himself for battle but froze when he saw Caithe, cold and still, standing in the last shadows of night. "She will not hear you," Caithe repeated. "I am the first of my generation—" he began, raising his voice in argument. Caithe shrugged and interrupted, "Why should she care? She has thousands of children now, Cadeyrn. You are either firstborn...or you are simply sylvari."

This is the moment that breaks him. The reiteration, for what feels like the hundreth time in his short life, that he doesn't matter. His feelings don't matter. Because he isn't a firstborn. It doesn't matter that he was the first of the secondborn, he is now just 'one of many'. And by being so, his thoughts and feelings are brushed aside even moreso than they were when he was newly awakened himself.

And so, we move on to the second viewpoint of this scene.

Cadeyrn stood before the Pale Tree and asked her to abandon Ventari's Tablet. The world had shown us its ugly face, he said, and the tablet prevented us from defending ourselves. He wanted us to display our strength. Show our thorns. I remember thinking he was a fool. An empty-headed secondborn who could never understand the importance of a peaceful life. I hoped the Pale Tree's avatar would appear and tear him down for his ridiculous ideas. Instead, he received only silence. It was one of those moments where fate diverged. Where mere words could've changed the course of everything to come. Cadeyrn was wounded. Of course he was—he had spoken out, and the Pale Tree ignored him. "I am the first of my generation," he insisted. "I deserve to be heard!"

I think that, not just with Caithe, but it was so deeply ingrained into everyone else that Cadeyrn was 'wrong'. That he was foolish, that he didn't deserve to be heard. He was hurting and in despair, and it fell on silent ears every which way he turned to.

I could've been gentle with him. Told him he mattered, that the Pale Tree heard and understood all her children. I could've been harsh and called him a traitor. Warned him his wild streak would endanger us all. They were both what he needed to hear. But I was callous back then. And so, so shallow. "Why should she care?" I said. "She has thousands of children now, Cadeyrn. You're either firstborn...or you're simply sylvari." I wish I could go back and erase the smugness of my voice. Soothe the sting of what I said to Cadeyrn. But I said it, and it changed him. My cruelty hardened his heart and planted the seed of resentment. Hatred. I know I wasn't the only one, but I helped set him down the road he would soon follow. To the creation of the Nightmare Court.

Cadeyrn was in such a vulnerable weak point, having been pushed to tears by his long-neglected thoughts and feelings, and then simply ignored when he desperately longed for answers. Needed someone to acknowledge that he was his own person, that he deserved to be heard. Not just turned away. Not just ignored because his thoughts were 'evil'. And so, with that weighing on his shoulders, he heard the thing he needed to hear the very least. And it shattered what was left of him.

So after aiding Faolain in the Silverwastes, he never returned to the Grove and instead founded the Nightmare Court, a place where he could find freedom that had been long-denied to him. A place where all would listen to him, for once. Where his thoughts and feelings no longer fell on deaf ears.

But he still yearned for his mother to acknowledge him. To listen. And that's exactly what he would make happen, one way or another.

"I will make you hear me, Mother, like it or not. When I am finished and you are free at last, then I will be first in your heart!"

And as the leader of the Nightmare Court, it is easy to see that his fall into nightmare has changed him.

"We, the sylvari, are the future. It is our time. We must leave behind the fears of awakening. Let go the stone that weighs us down. We were born to be more than this. We were born with a darkness in our Dream and in our heart that we could embrace...if only the Mother were not so afraid of the night. It is time to show her that her children are more than even she has dreamed we could be. "If the sylvari are to survive, we must learn from the poison thorn and the stinging nettle, the vine that crushes the very sapling which holds it to the light. We will raise the nightmare. We will see Tyria remade in our image."

Cadeyrn's words simply echo his sentiments from across his life so far. He is willing to accept the darker and more 'evil' part of himself, but with his fall to nightmare it becomes more of a... consuming force. Than something that co-exists with more 'good' ideals. He has a strong focus on proving himself/his Court to the Pale Tree. To the world. Because he was pushed aside and ignored and his feelings left neglected for so long, that now the only way forward he sees is to corrupt the world to the most extreme of his ideals, all in the hopes of getting the Pale Tree to finally notice and care about him.

As for how he became dethroned in his own Court... well, we know what Faolain is like. The way she manipulated Caithe for years with starving her of all affection and then love-bombing her just to do it all over again. It's not difficult to imagine her manipulating Cadeyrn too, preying on his weakness and vulnerabilities, especially when he has made them so clearly known. Replacing him in the very Court he founded and built. It feels grotesquely in-character for her; stealing his place until his name isn't even a whisper amongst Dreamers, but Faolain's name is known to all.

Cadeyrn's story is, ultimately, extremely depressing. While he is the viewpoint character and thus things skew to his interpretation of events, it's easy to see how he became the way he did. And I appreciate Caithe's Requiem for acknowledging that Cadeyrn didn't have to become the person he did and that what happened to him was not just because he was 'inherently a bad person'.

There is just... something so tragic about someone whose entire life was dedicated to being acknowledged and having someone listen to him and not disparage his feelings, ultimately dying alone with his name lost to all but the few sylvari who cared to remember him.

[only-kiwi]

Demons

hey, i decided to take a break from the instagram fics and post this. i started writing it well over a year ago and only just polished and finished it. i don’t think i’m a good writer but i really wanted to try. this wil probably be made into a series if that’s what you just want. anyway, hope you like this.

TW: mentions of self harm, depression, eating disorder, swearing, age gap (19/24)

“Billie?” The nineteen year old heard someone call her name, making her break out of her daydream. “How are you doing today?”

Her eyes flickered around the room, looking at all of the other people in the circle; all their eyes were on her. She knew them all - well, their stories - pretty well because she’d been going to the group therapy thing that her mother forced her to go to once a week for about three weeks now... but no one knew her. Billie never, ever spoke - she refused, and there were even rumours that she was mute - which wasn’t true. All Billie did when she heard that question was shrug and look at her hands. That’s all she ever did.

Once the hour-long session was over, Billie sat outside the building and waited for her mother to pick her up - she was nineteen and still couldn’t be trusted to be on her own. Usually, her mother would be there ten minutes early, waiting for Billie to walk out, but she got caught up at work and would take longer than usual. Billie didn’t mind though, because she liked being on her own - no one ever left her alone anymore. She didn’t have much time to enjoy her lonesome because someone took it upon themselves to sit next to her. Her grip on the apple that her mother all but begged her to eat and had yet to be bitten in to tightened as she felt her anxiety kick in.

“Billie, right?” A deep voice shocked her and she looked at the lanky figure beside her. He was extremely tall, he had eyes that were the most beautiful shade of green and he had the whitest teeth she had ever seen. Her eyes studied him once more, taking in his unique choice of clothing and simply nodded at his question. “I’m Harry.”

“Harry?” She breathed out timidly, she had never seen him here before.

“You didn’t talk much in there, love.”

“Well, I don’t exactly feel like telling a bunch of strangers what’s wrong with me when I can’t even talk to my own damn parents about it. Hell, I can’t even tell myself.” Billie sighed, she wasn’t trying to seem rude but she was terrible with strangers. The strength in her voice surprised Harry, he’d thought she was just abnormally shy. “You didn’t talk either.”

“I’m practically being forced to come here. I’m twenty-four and no one lets me make my own bloody decisions.” Harry complained and Billie smiled, knowing exactly how he felt. “You know, you’ve got a nice smile. You should do it more.”

“Nah, I don’t smile. I’m crazy.”

“You think you’re crazy?”

“I’m fucking insane, Harry.”

***

Billie was at the dinner table with her parents and little brother and she stared at the food on her plate, the sight of it alone made her want to throw up - and she wouldn’t even have to do it herself this time. Her parents didn’t really know what to do because for years, they had tried everything they could. Psychiatric hospitals just weren’t enough anymore, she had been admitted into them more than enough times to know how to work her way around the system and get out as soon as possible. Billie despised those places, the people there made her feel like she was some sort of animal.

“May I be excused?” Billie huffed, growing agitated just by watching everyone eat. She didn’t know how it could be so easy for them.

“You haven’t even touched your food, B.” Her father told her quietly. “If you don’t gain those extra pounds then they’ll send you back.”

I can’t go back there, Billie thought. They can’t send me back. “I ate while I was waiting for mum to pick me up.” 

Her father sighed but nodded with a simple ‘ok’ and let her go. Billie went upstairs and no one questioned her, forcing her to talk would only set her off. When Billie reached her bedroom, she instantly locked the door. She didn’t know why she was acting the way she was acting but she couldn’t help it. She felt like shit because all she wanted was to be able to eat like a normal person and breathe like a normal person... she just wanted to be a normal person. Billie stared at the several bottles of pills on her bedside table, not feeling remotely guilty for not taking them for the past few days - the medication gave her migraines. Before Billie could even properly process her thoughts, she heard the doorbell ring. She didn’t really care who was at the door, but her brother knocked on her door and she groaned, knowing it was probably important.

“Mum and Dad said to come down because their mate from work is here and she brought her son,” Jacob said as he gave his sister a warm smile. “Did you take your pills?”

“Of course I did,” she lied to the fifteen-year-old. “Come on, let’s head down.”

As soon as Billie reached the bottom of the stairs, she sucked in a harsh breath and plastered on her infamous fake smile. Her and Jacob walked into the kitchen and they were introduced to Anne straight away. Anne was lovely and Billie could tell why her parents were friends with her.

***

"So yeah, I just brought my son because he's been staying with me ever since my husband died. Think it really got to him, you know?" Anne said to Billie. She didn't know where Anne's son was, but she felt sorry for him. "Here he is." Anne said and Billie turned around. 

"Harry?" Billie asked in shock, she didn't expect Harry to be here. 

"Billie?" Harry asked in the same tone.

"You know each other?" Jacob asked as he stood between the pair. 

"We met to today -" 

"-at the group therapy thing." 

"Small world." Jacob shrugged. "I'm gonna go back up to my room because I need to get past this one level on GTA. B, are you alright on your own?"

Billie gave her brother an appreciative smile, because he knows what she's like with new people. "I'll be fine, I'll knock on your door if I need you, okay?"

Billie and Harry were sitting in the living room while their parents were in the kitchen. They could hear Jacob cursing at his game and Billie couldn't help but snicker. Neither of them spoke for a while, there wasn’t much to say. Billie wished she could be in her room at that moment - preferably asleep so she didn’t have to think. 

"So, I’m guessing you had nothing better to do on a Friday night?” Billie tried making conversation - she felt rude just sitting there in silence.

“Not really, no.” Harry chuckled with a small shrug. “What about you?”

“I don’t leave this house unless I’ve got that therapy shit.”

“What? No school or work?”

“I don’t know if you can tell but I’m not very good with people.” Billie shook her head, stopping herself from thinking too much. “So, I don’t do much.”

"But you spend time with your friends and that?" Billie didn’t appreciate the interrogation, but she also knew that Harry was just trying to get to know her.

"I don't have friends, Harry... not anymore." 

"Why not?" Harry asked, but before Billie could answer, her mother walked in.

"Billie, I brought you something to eat because you didn’t eat dinner. And Harry, Anne said you ate before you came so I assumed you were okay?” The older woman smiled, walking in with the same plate Billie left at the dinner table and putting it on the coffee table with a knife and fork.

“Mum,” Billie sighed. “I’m not-”

“It wasn’t a question. Eat.”

Harry watched Billie as her mother left the room, he felt awkward. Does he say something? Does he ask what that was about? Does he leave it? “I have an eating disorder.” She spoke, as if she was reading his mind.

“Oh...” was all Harry could really say. “W-what kind? You don’t have to tell me, though.”

“It’s not like anorexia or anything, I don’t want to make myself skinny. I just don’t care for food and sometimes I stop eating when my depression starts getting bad again. I eat sometimes, though, like when I’m starving or craving something. But then I start feeling guilty so I just throw it all up.” Billie couldn’t stop the words leaving her mouth, her mum warned her about telling people what was going on but Billie thought she was just ashamed. Her words were so casual, like she didn’t care and it made Harry’s heart hurt. He noticed she said she had depression, too and he wondered what kind but he didn’t want to push her.

“When was the last time you ate?”

“Had half of that apple you saw me with earlier.”

“And before that?”

“Are you my dad or something?” Billie’s snapped, before realising how awful she sounded. “I’m sorry, I just- I don’t really talk about this that much.”

Harry smiled, silently accepting her apology before turning to look at the plate of food. “Why don’t you eat as much as you can and I’ll finish the rest? We don’t have to tell your mum.”

Most people would think what Harry was doing was wrong, that he was encouraging her. However, forcing someone with an eating disorder to eat would only make them not want to even more. Getting Billie to even take a few bites was an accomplishment. Billie only managed to eat a third of the plate, but it was more than she’d eaten in a while. She wasn’t entirely sure what it was about Harry that made one; open up and two; actually eat something but she appreciated it. 

"You alright?" Harry asked when Billie put the plate down.

“I think so,” she nodded, “also, don’t let me use the bathroom for half an hour or I’ll purge.”

The two spoke for longer as Harry finished the food. Billie didn’t want to talk about herself anymore, so she asked Harry some questions. She asked why he went to therapy and he told her felt stupid because compared to her, his life was fine. Billie told him that wasn’t the case, that people handle things differently most of the time. It was stupid to invalidate someone’s mental health just because it’s not as obvious or as bad as yours.

Billie couldn’t remember the last time she’d got along with someone so well, it was like herself and Harry had been friends for ages. She hadn’t opened up to anyone since her ex-girlfriend, Willow. But she was gone and Billie only had her brother. Her parents were still bitter about her being bisexual and that put a strain on their relationship. Billie didn’t talk to them like how she used to.

“What are you thinking about?” Harry asked, noticing how she was zoning out.

“I don’t really know but thanks for caring. For listening, I guess. I haven’t really spoken about all on this since...”

“Since what?”

“My ex. She was the only person I could talk to besides Jacob because my parents hated me for being bi but when we broke up, I was alone again. So, yeah, thanks.”

Harry pulled his phone out of his back pocket and smiled. “Here, take my number so you can call or text me whenever you feel like shit. You won’t have to be alone anymore.”

“Harry, it’s okay. I don’t want to burden you with my teenage issues.”

“You won’t be a burden and this definitely isn’t just teenage issues. I mean it, I’ll be here for you.” He gave her his phone and she put her number in it with a small smile playing at her lips.

“Are you gonna message me whenever you feel like shit too? You know, I don’t want to just-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re not the only one feeling shitty.” Harry smirked, making Billie giggle - she can’t remember the last time she did that. “Told you that you good when you smile, keep it up.”

“Keep giving me reasons to smile and we won’t have a problem, will we?” She winked, only half joking. Neither of them were sure if this was considered flirting but they laughed and brushed it off.

“No, we won’t.”

***

Harry and Billie spoke for weeks after that. If one of them was ever feeling down, they kept their promise and texted the other. Billie had never had a friend like Harry, he always made sure she was okay. When it came to group therapy, they were always together. Billie still never said much, she didn’t want to... but she felt better within herself. She felt like she didn’t need this, because she had Harry. He was her therapy.

Everything was fine.

Until it wasn’t.

Harry hadn’t heard from Billie in days, which was weird because they spoke as often as they could. At first, he thought she might have been busy or maybe she just didn’t have her phone on her. Then he started to her worried. Billie’s phone was going straight to voicemail. Was it off? Dead? He needed to know. Truthfully, he had no right to feel this way. He’d known the nineteen year old all of three weeks and suddenly he felt like he needed to know everything about her.

He decided to wait until the next week of therapy, he thought that maybe she would show up and explain everything. But she didn’t. And Harry was really, really concerned. Showing up at her house may have been a bit too far but he didn’t know what else to do.

Knocking on the door, he was met with Jacob, who looked extremely confused. “Hey, Harry?”

“Hey, is Billie here?”

“Yeah, why?” Jacob didn’t know if he should tell him what was really going on (his parents always told him not to say anything), so he kept it vague.

“She didn’t show up at therapy today and she hasn’t answered any of my calls and texts, I was just wondering if she was alright?” Harry wasn’t sure if Jacob knew about his and Billie’s friendship, so he understood why he wouldn’t say anything.

“Yeah, she-“

“Jacob?” They both heard. Billie was stood at the top of the stairs with her duvet wrapped around her. Her hair was a mess, her lips were chapped and her under eyes were almost black... she looked like she hadn’t slept in years. “Oh. Hey.”

“Billie? What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

“Not really.” The young girl chuckled pathetically at herself. “You can come up if you want. J, go back to whatever it is you were doing, please.”

When the pair reached Billie’s room, it was a mess. There were clothes everywhere and her dresser was broken and the posters on the wall were ripped off. Harry was confused. He knew what depression was, he had it. However, he’d never known it to be like this. How depressed was she for her to trash her room? What kind of depression was it? Harry had so many questions.

“Sorry for the mess,” the younger girl muttered, kicking a pair of trousers out of the way as she went to sit on her best.

“I was, uh, you haven’t answered your phone at all.”

“Broke it,” she shrugged.

“What’s going on, B?” Harry asked and Billie could hear the concern in his voice.

Neither of them expected it, but Billie quite literally broke down. She tried not to think about it, she tried to distract herself. But having Harry ask her what’s wrong just... set her off. All Harry could do was hold her as she sobbed. They’d never been in this situation before, they’d hadn’t even known each other for a month... but Harry couldn’t let a young girl break down in front of him like that.

“I don’t know where it came from or what happened. I just- I was walking home with Jacob last week and we saw Willow and she- she was with someone.”

“With someone?”

Billie took a few minutes to calm herself down - to breathe. Harry sat there rubbing circles on her back and telling her to take her time. He knew what she meant. Her ex girlfriend had moved on and she’d seen it, that’s hard for anyone to see and even though Harry didn’t know the ins and outs, he knew Billie used to be (or still was) in love with her ex.

“They were holding hands, and Willow seemed really happy. Happier than I ever made her. I guess that’s fine, though. I’m happy for her, the girl was really pretty too.” Billie didn’t sound convincing at all. Not one bit.

“You aren’t happy for her,” Harry laughed, knowing how she felt.

“Like hell, I am. Hope they both choke.” They both laughed at this. Billie found it crazy how she could be sobbing one second then laughing the next with Harry but she didn’t mind. “No, but seriously. It was just difficult to see and I guess it triggered me. That used to be us, H. And I kept wondering why I’m like this. Why I have to be like this. You know, why can’t I just be fucking normal brought to keep someone around? I don’t know, it just really got to me. Now everything in my room is broken and my parents are gonna kill me when they get home from their work trip.”

“I know what you mean, it must have been really hard to see that.” Harry nodded, before his mind took him somewhere else. “You didn’t like... you know, hurt yourself or anything, did you?”

Billie panicked. She wanted to lie but for some reason she just couldn’t... not to Harry. “Please don’t.” Her voice was low again, she didn’t want to say it.

“Did you?”

“Yes,” the younger girl choked out but before Harry could say anything else, Billie got out of her bed and picked up a broke picture frame. “I think I should clean this shit up. You’re welcome to stay and help but if you don’t want to, you should probably go.”

“N-no, I’ll help.”

Harry didn’t push her any further. Instead, he helped her tidy up in silence. Billie’s room wasn’t small by any means, which meant they’d be there for a while. Neither of them really cared, Billie was happy to have someone around and Harry was happy to help.

[mskathywriteswords]

Cupcakes at Midnight - Chapter 6

A/N: As warned, angst, hurt, comfort ahead.

True to her promise, the next day, Ava leaves for work without disturbing me. I wake up surprised, since it often feels like every little noise can startle me awake at night -- she must be very stealthy. It’s just me and Cat. Always Cat. 

I’m not sure when I’ll hear from Ava next, so I set about doing my usual weekend stuff and try to put things to the side. I mean, it’s possible she only wants a weekend thing, so who knows where this will all end up.

Picking up my phone, I text Ivy. 

Movies?

She practically texts me back immediately. Are you psychic? I was itching for something to do outside of this house.

I laugh. 

Must be such torture living in Matt’s McMansion bachelor pad. See you in 20?

I toss my laundry in the dryer and jump in the car to meet Ivy. It doesn’t really matter to either of us what’s playing at the theater; we’ll get popcorn, a gut bomb of sugary goodness to share, and a giant soda and be happy watching almost anything. After, there’s a bar upstairs that I’m sure we’ll make good use of.

We go through our usual routine of me getting the tickets and Ivy getting the snacks and drinks. For two blissful hours, I get to escape from everything on the planet. It’s exactly what I need, and I immerse myself in it entirely, not letting any of the real world bullshit in. 

“Drinks?” I ask as the lights come back up in the theater.

Ivy checks her phone and makes a face. “I might have to go. You okay?”

I nod. “Yeah, totally.”

I’m not quite sure what’s gotten under my skin, but I know that I’ll be fine. Something just feels … restless. Unsettled. It’s itching at my belly, but I can’t place it.

“See you tomorrow,” she says, hugging me tight. 

“Tell Matt I said hello, and he still owes me that whiskey.”

As much of a sporty man’s man bro as Matt can be, he’s still one of my favorite people. When he and Ivy met, there was a weird dance of jealousy from both sides, but we found our friendship rhythm and things have been great since. 

Once I’m home, I text my therapist to book my next appointment; it’s been too long. Cat and I curl up on the couch for some quality Netflix time.

What day is it?

I consider for half a second that she might be serious.

That rough of a day? I hit send and imagine her working all day, flour in her hair and selling lots of cupcakes. 

Yeah

Poor thing. Anything I can do to make it better?

Nah

I’m surprised and honestly a little disappointed when that’s all I get back.

Well, let me know if you change your mind

It seems like the right thing to say, although it’s not what I most want to say. What I want to say is: Come over, I’ll rub down your sore and aching muscles. I’ll run a hot bath and pour a scotch. I’ll make you come, then tuck you in, all before 7PM.

Ava doesn’t text me again, and that pit in my stomach is growing. I roll over what I’ve done and said in the last day and a half to have fucked this up again. Maybe I was too much, too fast? I know I can be a lot for someone, my enthusiasm tends to get the best of me. But it never felt that way when we were around each other.

Ivy can sense my disappointment as she meets me in the parking garage the next morning.

“What’s wrong?”

I shrug. I can’t start with the whole story or I’m going to end up crying in the lobby of our building, and Lord knows the security guard doesn’t need that. 

Again.

“Well, when you’re ready to talk, I’m here. Message me if it’s easier, ok?”

“Thanks for the coffee. You’re a good friend, Ivy.”

I sniffle, the tears stinging my eyes. I’m lucky to have Ivy, Matt, Cat, and the rest of my friends, who I don’t make enough of an effort to see.

By lunch, I’m ready to talk a little. 

“So, she’s just kind of … changed. Like, she barely texted yesterday.”

“But she did text? And respond? Who texted who first?”

“She texted me first, and she responded a few times, then disappeared.”

“Nothing today?” Ivy asks, chewing at her expertly-manicured fingernail.

I shake my head. “No. Should I text her?”

Ivy considers this for a minute, staring a little too hard at the ceiling tiles. “Maybe? Do you want to?”

“Yeah, of course I do.”

“Then I say do it. Text her. Maybe she’s waiting for you to text.”

I shrug; that seems like fair advice. I tap out a text asking Ava how her day is going, then tap send. 

It takes until well into the night for her to reply. 

Insane

After considering a few replies, I finally tap out something supportive and ask again if she needs anything. The rest of the night passes with no reply, and I’m starting to actually get a little upset. I’m a good person, one might even think I’m a halfway reasonable girlfriend. Even though I’m not her girlfriend.

I spend the better part of the following day venting to poor Ivy, who mostly nods and agrees with me.

Toward the end of the day, I decide to text Ava again.

Is there something we need to talk about? I feel like you’ve barely said two words to me. 

My phone flashes with an incoming call, and I panic. It’s Ava, so I know I should answer, but the pit in my stomach is now made of lead, and I don’t want this version of reality.

“Hello,” I say, answering.

“Hey.” 

She sounds as exhausted as her texts made her out to be, and I instantly feel bad for adding more to her plate. 

“I don’t want to have this conversation through text,” she says.

I nod, then realize I have to speak. “Yeah, me either.”

“I really like you, Jane,” she says it like a curse. Like she’s surprised. Like she never thought anything would happen. Like it’s the worst thing that could have happened. “I really like you, and the thing is, I can’t like like anyone right now.”

“Okay.”

I don’t want to ask questions, I don’t want to pry. I want to sink into the floor and pretend none of this happened. I want to erase the memories of her in my bed. I want to forget the amazing coffee she makes, and the cupcakes that were mine alone.

“I still want you in my life. I know that’s selfish, but I just…” She exhales and the sound is harsh against my ear.

“That would be nice,” I say, as the first few tears fall. “We can be friends.”

Inside, I’m groaning at myself and my own desperation. 

“We can? I’m glad for that. I wasn’t expecting to meet someone so soon after.”

She trails off, leaving the thought end without clarity and I’m not exactly sure what she means.

“Sure. Of course.”

I know I need to end the call soon, my nose is going to get stuffy and then it will be obvious that I’m a fucking idiot who can’t control her expectations or tears.

“Is it okay if I still text you?” I ask, trying to wrap the conversation up. 

“Yeah, man. Absolutely.”

“Okay, well, have a good night then.”

“Goodnight,” she says, in that sleepy voice that I’m so angry I know is the one she has right before she falls asleep.

Fuck everything.

I call out to work the next day, needing a mental health day. Really, I’m being overly dramatic for something that was two weeks old, but whatever. I order greasy Chinese food and a grocery delivery that wouldn’t quality as any sort of grown up groceries, much less anything that could be cobbled into a meal, and settle onto the couch for a few hours. My mood rotates from angry to upset to depressed to hopeless and back to angry. There are a few pints of ice cream.

Yes, pints with an s.

Around 3PM, I start to feel better, but still can’t make myself stop watching terrible romance movies that only remind me that a) I’m not straight, and b) I’m alone.

Well, alone with Cat.

Why is it that those stupid channels can’t get with the times and give me one gay or lesbian movie. Would it really kill them? Even Arthur has a gay character, and it’s a damn kid’s show.

Suddenly, I realize what I really need; I call my mom. Her voice makes me smile, and the way she always has my back is amazing. She never once asks what I did to fuck things up, even though I’ve gone over it in my head a million times and have cataloged all the possible ways. I could give her an alphabetical list at this point.

“Well, Janey, you know it’s all going to be okay, right?”

“I know, Mom. I know.”

“I wish we were closer, hon. Do you want me to come down for a visit? I’m sure Dad will be fine. Might even do him some good to have to cook his own meals for a few days.”

“No, no. I’m fine, really.”

“Well, if you change your mind, call me. I can be there in an afternoon, ya know. Dad can watch Peanut Butter and Jelly.”

After she says their names, I realize how much I miss the family dogs. 

“Maybe I’ll come up for a visit soon?”

“We would love that, kiddo. Just let me know. I’ll fix up the guest room.” There’s a quiet pause, but it’s not awkward. “I love you so much, honey.”

“I love you too, Mom.”

I definitely stay in the same place I had been and fall asleep on the couch. I wake up to Cat loudly licking the inside of an empty cardboard pint container. I can’t even be mad at him; it was the good stuff.

All of me wants to call out from work again, but I can’t. I rarely call out sick, and this one event isn’t allowed to crush me. I’m stronger than that. 

After I shower, I text Ivy and ask her to bring me a special coffee today. I’m in the mood for something fancy, with multiple names, not a boring drip coffee. She replies with a skull and crossbones, but I know she’ll order it because she loves me and sometimes friends have to order silly, ridiculously named drinks for each other. 

“You look better,” she says, handing me the giant vessel of whipped cream.

“Thanks. I feel better. If she can’t see how amazing all this, is,” I say, turning around. “Then I don’t know why I would want to waste my time with her anyway.” 

Ivy smiles. “That’s my girl.” 

We get through the day together, messaging back and forth and I try to ignore my phone when it chirps, I really do. But I can’t. It’s Ava.

How’s your day?

Now, hear me out. I know I should wait and respond sometime later, but there’s no more need to, right? We’re simply two friends, chatting. I wouldn’t make Ivy wait and text her hours later, so why should I do it here?

I bite my lip to keep the tears in at the reminder.

My day is great. Yours?

Fake it til you make it, right?

Busy still. I wish I could find someone reliable here. It feels overwhelming at times.

I want to empathize, to tell her that I can imagine how it feels -- the pressures of having employees and being the sole person responsible for keeping the doors open. I had considered opening my own business a while back, a cute little coffee shop cafe, but I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. Instead of responding the way I want, I tap out a simple I bet and hit send.

As I’m laying in bed that night, but not quite asleep yet, my phone buzzes on my nightstand. 

I just want one thing to give and go my way.

I can relate, Ava. 

Do you want to talk about all the things going wrong?

I’m pretty sure she’s going to say no again, but I risk asking just in case. I want to be a good friend, even if I can’t quite detach from it all yet. I’ll get there.

I need to close my eyes, but thank you, Jane. You’re the best.

Yes, Ava, I am. Now if only you could really see that, too.

[snowbatsims]

post 15

[OP]

Rune is still sad.

Quite sad.

Needless to say, it's not a fun time.

Somewhere else, a child is blending into her surroundings.

It's overcast and raining. Very nice weather for the sun-averse, really.

KVIKINDI: I thought you couldn't walk outside in the daytime. EINARR: No, it's just the sun we need to avoid. Right now it's overcast. KVIK: We? EINARR: Yes, you too. KVIK: ....right. EINARR: As someone with first-hand experience with this, Rune would definitely know more about how your whole vampire thing will develop over time than I ever would, but.. I haven't seen him today. KVIK: Huh? EINARR: Why don't you try looking for him?

KVIK: I guess I could!

I guess she gave up.

KVIK: Whoa, I didn't see you there. MORTEN: Hey, that's fine... Did you make that mess? KVIK: Yeah. MORT: Hah, that looks great. You should take a picture! KVIK: Oh! MORT: And also.. maybe clean up the paint before it leaves stains. KVIK: Why. MORT: I can't say those bright colors quite match the rest of the spooky old decor in here, the others might get mad? We'd have to cover it up with a carpet. KVIK: Ah, ok.

I don't know if it's the autonomy-altering mod I recently installed, but Mort's been drinking from plasma juice packets autonomously and I'm so proud of them. It's exactly a thing they'd do.

Oh. It's the guy Bat drank from the other day.

MORT: Uh, hey, Mr. random dude, I just wanna let you know this is really not the safest spot to fish. DUDE: How so? MORT: Oh, you know.. this house is full of vampires and all. Like the nasty little one who drank from you at the bar. He lives here with us. DUDE: ...what? I don't recall. Are you saying an actual vampire bit me? MORT: Yes. Yes he did. What, you don't remember at all? DUDE: No. And frankly, I'm quite disappointed... It would be very cool to feed a real vampire once and actually remember it.

MORT: And actually live to tell the story, yeah, I suppose. Rather impressed you didn't die back there. Bat tends to get a little too eager sometimes. DUDE: Ah. Well, I do see your eyes, and fangs, so I must assume you're one of them vampires too. MORT: Oh. Uh.. yeah. Yes I am, I guess. DUDE: You GUESS? HAH! MORT: D: DUDE: Buddy, here's my wrist. Bon appetit. MORT: uh

MORT: (oh jeez....)

DUDE: OW!!! DUDE: Okay, that's enough. Thanks.

MORT: Thank you too I guess, but... please shave your arm next time. DUDE: ...

MORT: Actually, just try to avoid this place overall. You know, for your own safety. Have a nice evening and all. Enjoy your bragging rights. Sorry to sound rude. 

MORT: Oh man, this one's huge. KVIK: And just as blue as your hair! MORT: ...Shouldn't you be in bed? KVIK: Nah. MORT: Just don't blame me if you end up running late for school. You should really be in bed. KVIK: Nobody will ever know. :) MORT: ...

KVIK: I caught one!! MORT: Ooh, congrats!

MORT: Did you know we can make plasma packs out of these? KVIK: Huh. Cool. Still wanna try the people blood, though. MORT: :/

After several days, Rune is finally awake.

He... kind of missed out on his birthday, but it's okay. His birthday present is right here. He's trying it out now.

BAT: I heard some noise coming from here. RUNE: Oh yeah, that's me. BAT: You're the noise. RUNE: Yes. I am the physical embodiment of noise. BAT: Ah. RUNE: No, it's actually this music station thing. Did you know about it?

BAT: Eh, sort of. The others were talking about bringing you a birthday present. I guess this is it. RUNE: Birthday...? RUNE: Did I really... RUNE: Oh no... Did I miss it? BAT: Yes. Maybe. Is it really that big of a deal? I honestly don't even remember when mine is supposed to be. RUNE: YEAH. YES IT IS A BIG DEAL. BAT: I thought you hibernated for like twenty years once. RUNE: But that was an accident!!! BAT: Okay, fair.

BAT: Dude, that noise of yours sounds pretty depressing. RUNE: Yeah. BAT: ... BAT: Yeah, I'll just leave you alone. RUNE: Thanks.

EINARR: Rune. Care to tell me what's wrong? It appears you've been rather tormented the past few days. RUNE: ... EINARR: It's okay. You can tell me. RUNE: are you sure... EINARR: Yes.

RUNE: W--well, I've been kind of dating this one guy, and... and... on our last date,, EINARR: Something terrible happened?

RUNE: WELL, IT TURNS OUT HE'S BEEN CHEATING ON HIS WIFE THE WHOLE TIME!!! EINARR: Oh no-- RUNE: HE USED ME!!! TO CHEAT!!!! EINARR: Oh. Dear. That's not good. That's not good at all. RUNE: HE EVEN HAD A CHILD!!! RUNE: Like.. man, I just wanted a boyfriend for once... EINARR: I guess he just wasn't the one. RUNE: Yeah.... EINARR: Don't worry too much about it. I'm sure there may be more dating opportunities coming up within your lifetime. RUNE: HEH. MAYBE. RUNE: Maybe in a few centuries....

EINARR: Nay, I'm sure you'll meet someone else within this century! Maybe within this decade, even. Or this year! RUNE: .. heh. Maybe. EINARR: You never know! I understand you may need some time to recover, however.

EINARR: Whatever happens in the future, we'll be here for you. RUNE: Thanks,,,

[loofahlover]

i randomly found this really old rp between me an @lelepandewritium so i figure...might as well post it.

[9/2/2015 5:06:58 PM] leslye gomez: WELL NO TAKE THAT OUT

[9/2/2015 5:07:02 PM] leslye gomez: SINCE ZORO WILL HAVE ANXIETY ANYWAYS WHILE HE'S ADJUSTING

[9/2/2015 5:07:07 PM] leslye gomez: no depressed Luffy

[9/2/2015 5:07:25 PM] leslye gomez: JUST THOSE THREE YES OKAY GOOD

[9/2/2015 5:07:37 PM] leslye gomez: LUFF SAVES LONG HAIRED ZORO

[9/2/2015 5:07:48 PM] leslye gomez: WHO CUTS HIS HAIR LATER.

[9/2/2015 5:07:58 PM] leslye gomez: LUFFY HELPS HIM ADJUST

[9/2/2015 5:08:09 PM] leslye gomez: AND WHEN THEY'RE OUT ONE DAY ZORO REALLY WANTS TO KISS LUFF

[9/2/2015 5:08:21 PM] leslye gomez: OKAY

[9/2/2015 5:08:23 PM] leslye gomez: YUS???

[9/2/2015 5:08:34 PM] loofahlover: YUS

[9/2/2015 5:08:55 PM] leslye gomez: OKAY YOU START HOW ARE WE EVEN GOING TO DO THIS ALRIGHT THEN

[9/2/2015 5:09:02 PM] leslye gomez: just wing it

[9/2/2015 5:10:37 PM] loofahlover: Luffy first met Zoro on a rainy day: wet, crouched behind a dumpster, and eating a dead rat.

[9/2/2015 5:11:57 PM] leslye gomez: (I'm already so thrown off omg i laughed really hard i'm a terrible person)

[9/2/2015 5:12:48 PM] loofahlover: (XD i was inspired by something i watched today)

[9/2/2015 5:13:59 PM] leslye gomez: (WELL AMRIGHT THEN YOU WATCH WEIRD THINGS OKAY here i go)

[9/2/2015 5:15:25 PM] leslye gomez: Zoro wore ragged clothes, splatters of red here and there that Luffy didn't believe to be the dead rats blood.

[9/2/2015 5:19:33 PM] loofahlover: Luffy dropped his groceries, running to help the man; which became difficult when Zoro started swinging at him with a brick.

[9/2/2015 5:22:41 PM] leslye gomez: Luffy dodged best he could, suddenly more appreciative of the fast reflexes he developed over the years.

[9/2/2015 5:24:52 PM] loofahlover: Eventually Zoro passed out from sheer hunger, and Luffy had to discreetely drag Zoro to his apartment.

[9/2/2015 5:27:45 PM] leslye gomez: Without much else to do, Luffy laid Zoro on his bed and contemplated whether or not to call the police; he'd seen this man somewhere before.

[9/2/2015 5:29:04 PM] loofahlover: But he abandoned the idea in favor of raiding the fridge for his midtime snack.

[9/2/2015 5:29:20 PM] loofahlover: (try not to get too detailed or we'll never finish XD)

[9/2/2015 5:31:22 PM] leslye gomez: (That is true okay XD)

[9/2/2015 5:33:18 PM] leslye gomez: While Luffy was off doing that, Zoro woke up and stared in confusion around him,  beginning to panic since he thought he was being held captive again.

[9/2/2015 5:38:26 PM] loofahlover: -but he escaped, found an opening, bit and scratched his way out, they'd never again, weren't supposed to find him-

[9/2/2015 5:41:17 PM] leslye gomez: It was at this point that Luffy came back from getting his snack, an extra sandwich in hand, and rushed over when he saw Zoro panicking, "Heyhey! You're okay, you passed out so i brought you to my house!"

[9/2/2015 5:42:32 PM] loofahlover: "House?...I...Who are you?" Zoro demanded, shifting backward until his back hit the wall.

[9/2/2015 5:44:47 PM] leslye gomez: "Well, it's an apartment, but same thing." Luffy smiled and held out the sandwich to Zoro. "I'm Monkey D. Luffy! You seem hungry so I made you this sandwich if you want it."

[9/2/2015 5:46:12 PM] loofahlover: Zoro's nose caught a whiff of ham and sharp cheese, and suddenly the sandwich was gone and he was brushing the crumbs off his mouth.

[9/2/2015 5:49:20 PM | Edited 5:53:31 PM] leslye gomez: Luffy only smiled and plopped onto the floor, "Sooo, I'll make you another when that sandwich goes down, but uh, what were you doing eating a rat behind a dumpster?"

[9/2/2015 5:55:41 PM] loofahlover: "I was hungry." Zoro looked around, taking in the messy room, free of videocameras or locks or metal doors; was he safe now?

[9/2/2015 6:07:55 PM] leslye gomez: "Yeah but...well, alright. Do you have anyone you want to call? I have a phone you can use. Oh and, what's your name? Are you hurt? That looks like blood on your shirt." Luffy took a step closer, reaching a hand out to check if Zoro was okay.

[9/2/2015 6:10:07 PM] loofahlover: Zoro flinched at the contact but tried not to gouge the kid's eyes out because, well, he was ok, right? He hadn't done anything bad yet, and he'd even given Zoro a sandwich.

[9/2/2015 6:17:44 PM] leslye gomez: Luffy paused when Zoro flinched, being careful not to physically touch the man as he lifted Zoro's shirt up and examined all the cuts and scrapes on the mans chest, eyes widening at the large scar that crossed from his left shoulder and to his right hip.

[9/2/2015 6:20:39 PM] loofahlover: (I'm wondering if it might be easier to rp, so you wont be restricted to one sentence)

[9/2/2015 6:22:09 PM] leslye gomez: (Hmmmm do you wanna rp???)

[9/2/2015 6:23:00 PM] loofahlover: (SURE WHY NOT)

[9/2/2015 6:23:37 PM] leslye gomez: (That would take the restriction away. XD OKAY THEN SO DO WE GO HOW IT KINDA TURNED OUT??? YOU ZORO AND ME LUFFY??? Or do you wanna be Luffy)

[9/2/2015 6:27:28 PM] loofahlover: (eh, i don't really care)

[9/2/2015 6:27:52 PM] loofahlover: (and lol yeah, i removed the restriction, but this story has already exceeded my expectations XDD)

[9/2/2015 6:28:47 PM] leslye gomez: (It turned more rpish anyways XD OKAY THEN WE'LL JUST STAY HOW IT TURNED OUT. YOUR TURN ZORO. No more restrictiooon)

[9/2/2015 6:30:24 PM] loofahlover: Zoro immediately pulled his shirt down, retreating back into himself as the memories started coming back.

[9/2/2015 6:30:29 PM] loofahlover: (....its short OTL)

[9/2/2015 6:31:18 PM] leslye gomez: (LOL)

[9/2/2015 6:31:24 PM] leslye gomez: (What the)

[9/2/2015 6:31:48 PM] leslye gomez: (Okay sure it was supposed to be a normal LOL but ok)

[9/2/2015 6:36:27 PM] loofahlover: (well i didn't wanna talking about flashbacks again because i just did)

[9/2/2015 6:38:37 PM] leslye gomez: Luffy jerked back from Zoro, apologizing and hovering his hands over Zoro's shoulders. "Um, I think you should shower. You have some scratches there that can get infected and plus a shower might help you feel better. I have some clothes that will kinda fit you."

[9/2/2015 6:39:28 PM] leslye gomez: (Nyeh Zoro will probably have a lot of flashbacks. PTSD too perhaps?)

[9/2/2015 6:41:12 PM] leslye gomez: (With the whole flashbacks, anxiety and nightmares that he'll probably have)

[9/2/2015 6:43:20 PM] loofahlover: Zoro nodded. A shower sounded good, sounded...god, when was the last time he'd showered? Been around water that didn't make him gag? He turned to the kid. Stared him up and down. He didn't want to insult some who saved him, especially when, to be honest, he wasn't in any shape to fight back. But it was pretty obvious. The kid's clothes would never fit him.

[9/2/2015 6:49:10 PM] leslye gomez: Luffy blinked down at the man's obvious skepticism, grinning and letting out a laugh. "Not my clothes! I have...bigger shirts. It should fit you, no worries. Besides, I have sweats that stretch and if your ankles show, well, it's not a big deal right?"

[9/2/2015 6:54:34 PM] loofahlover: Zoro shrugged. He wasn't really in a situation to be picky about his clothes. So that's how he found himself shoved into a cramped bathroom, with the showerhead spraying up to his neck. But it was neck-high heaven. He scrubbed the grime away with his fingers, like ridding himself of the person he used to be and watching it flush down the drain. He reached for a bottle of shampoo, since Luffy had allowed it. His lips twitched the bright label that said: Berrylicious scent. Just like a kid.

[9/2/2015 6:54:43 PM] loofahlover: twitched at*

[9/2/2015 7:03:15 PM] leslye gomez: As soon as Luffy had shoved Zoro into the shower, he darted over to his computer and looked up exactly how to treat the minor wounds Zoro had on his chest. He had a first aid kit, but, he had no idea how to use it. As soon as he was done reading through instructions, he went ahead and pulled out a pot of soup that was shoved into his fridge, smiling at the memory of Sanji stopping by to cook it for him last night. With only mild frustration, Luffy got it heating up on the stove. There! He could eat this with Zoro after he treated him.

[9/2/2015 7:07:52 PM] loofahlover: (omg we're writing too many details again)

[9/2/2015 7:07:59 PM] loofahlover: (sorry I'm gonna speed things up a bit)

[9/2/2015 7:08:38 PM] leslye gomez: (shit yeah okay XD OR WE COULD LET THIS GO ON FOR A FULL WEEK AHAHAHA nah okay)

[9/2/2015 7:08:46 PM] loofahlover: (....THAT TOO)

[9/2/2015 7:08:50 PM] loofahlover: (LES DO IT)

[9/2/2015 7:09:01 PM] loofahlover: (oh you were joking. ok)

[9/2/2015 7:11:09 PM] leslye gomez: (na lets do it)

[9/2/2015 7:11:19 PM] leslye gomez: (sounds fun)

[9/2/2015 7:11:27 PM] leslye gomez: (I've gone a lot longer bruh XD)

[9/2/2015 7:13:54 PM] loofahlover: omg

[9/2/2015 7:13:59 PM] loofahlover: ALRIGHT LETS GO THEN

[9/2/2015 7:14:45 PM] leslye gomez: YUS

[9/2/2015 7:16:32 PM] loofahlover: zoro opened the bathroom door, embarrassed. the shirt was fine, as luffy had said, but the pants only went to above his ankles and were kinda riding up. he followed the scent of chicken and spices back into the kitchen, and his stomach gave another gurgle. and he'd thought the sandwich would be enough.

[9/2/2015 7:16:50 PM] leslye gomez: (LITERALLY THOUGH I HAVE GONE LIKE...THE LONGEST I'VER  EVER SPENT RPING A THING IS MAYBE 5 MONTHS)

[9/2/2015 7:18:08 PM] loofahlover: (HOW)

[9/2/2015 7:18:24 PM] loofahlover: (DIDNT YOUGET TIRED OF IT)

[9/2/2015 7:18:35 PM] leslye gomez: (NO IT WAS GREAT)

[9/2/2015 7:24:59 PM] leslye gomez: Luffy turned when he heard Zoro's footsteps, smiling. "Hey! Okay so I had this soup in my fridge and we can eat that once it's hot. Right now I kinda wanna treat all those scrapes you have on your chest. And uh, well, I've never actually done it before but I have a first aid kit and I looked up how to do it." Luffy pointed him over to the couch in the living room where there was a first aid kit already set up. "Will you let me do it? Or I guess you could do it yourself if you want. Unless you'd rather go to a hospital. We could go."

[9/2/2015 7:28:30 PM] loofahlover: "NO." Zoro started coughing, having been silent for so long. "No hospitals." He didn't need people to know where he was. Didn't need to be found. By the wrong people. He held out an arm with a long gash, signaling Luffy to start treating him since he was so enthusiastic about it. He doubted Luffy could botch it too badly. And if he did? Well, Zoro had survived worse.

[9/2/2015 7:38:45 PM] leslye gomez: Luffy blinked, wandering back into the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of water. "Here you go." Luffy let Zoro open the bottle before taking his arm and examining it. "Let's see, I have to..." he started mumbling under his breath, reaching into the first aid kit and pulling out anti-septic wipes. He stuck his tongue out as he concentrated on cleaning Zoro's array of wounds, having to get up and look at his computer more than once as he went. Everything went more or less smoothly. Until, of course, he had to wrap the wounds. They came out messy, pieces up the white bandage poking out and some areas being too loose while others were too tight. Luffy grinned at Zoro and rubbed the back of his neck. "Shishishi! Sorry, I'm not very good at this part!"

[9/2/2015 8:01:36 PM] loofahlover: "it's fine," he said, inspecting the messy bandages. he'd been watching luffy try his hardest at first aid, probably for the first time in his life. it was a little endearing. and that smile of luffy's was so warm. honestly, everything about him was. just the way he picked zoro up, basically saved him. gave unconditionally, without any suspicion or any interrogation on just where he came from. it was a little too much to accept.

[9/2/2015 8:08:00 PM] leslye gomez: Luffy nodded, shoving whatever supplies were left into his first aid kit without bothering to organize it and tossing everything else into the trash. "Okay! Well the soup should be done now so come eat--uhhh, right, I still don't know your name." Luffy looked over at Zoro expectantly. He'd like to have something to call him instead of just saying 'hey you'.

[9/2/2015 8:08:57 PM] leslye gomez: (casually sips on mah coffee)

[9/2/2015 8:09:12 PM] loofahlover: (DAMN YOU LELE)

[9/2/2015 8:09:23 PM] leslye gomez: (AHAHAHA)

[9/2/2015 8:12:02 PM] loofahlover: Zoro opens his mouth automatically- and it frightens him. How unguarded he's become around this kid. Doesn't matter what Luffy's done, there's no way Zoro can give his name up to a stranger, not when it can be traced through the system. He's got to leave the city limits before that happens. "Gomez," he lies, silently apologizing to Luffy.

[9/2/2015 8:12:24 PM] leslye gomez: (WOW)

[9/2/2015 8:12:57 PM] loofahlover: (don't mess with mah coffee addiction)

[9/2/2015 8:13:55 PM] leslye gomez: ( GRABS ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE FROM MY COFFEE MAKER )

[9/2/2015 8:14:59 PM] loofahlover: (HOW DARE YOU)

[9/2/2015 8:21:25 PM] leslye gomez: Luffy beamed, nodding his head. "Okay Gomez! You just sit here--" He patted one of the chairs by his tiny kitchen table "--and I'll get you a bowl of soup!" He darted over towards one of his cupboards and pulled out two large bowls, filling up one with a bigger helping of veggies and chicken and placing that one in front of Zoro along with a chunk of bread he tended to eat with the soups Sanji made him. He also went ahead and pulled out a carton of orange juice from the fridge, remembering that whenever he gave blood they gave him some because it...helped replenish what he lost, or something.

[9/2/2015 8:21:42 PM] leslye gomez: ( TURNS SAID COFFEE INTO ICED COFFEE CUZ IT'S HOT )

[9/2/2015 8:22:40 PM] loofahlover: (TOO HOT)

[9/2/2015 8:22:43 PM] loofahlover: (HOT DAMN)

[9/2/2015 8:23:28 PM | Edited 8:24:28 PM] leslye gomez: (Zoro? Yes he is too hot. and I just remembered the long hair holy shit it's probably hanging over his shoulder right now)

[9/2/2015 8:26:49 PM] loofahlover: zoro nodded his thanks and took a sip of the soup. then another. then started slurping it down like his life depended on it, even though that was no longer the case. between scarfing down the soup, the bread, and the juice, he started coughing from eating too fast, but he wouldn't let that stop him. it had been so long since he'd been full, and he wanted to take advantage of that before. before luffy changed his mind. before zoro was kicked out and he had to fend for himself again.

[9/2/2015 8:35:13 PM] leslye gomez: Luffy was a bit more restrained when he ate. Just barely. He wasn't known for his manners y'know. Luffy slurped up the rest of his soup before looking up at Zoro with a smile. "There's more if you're still hungry. Though I don't think it's very good for you to each so fast or too much if you've been hungry for a long time. Sanji told me that! And you can stay here tonight or for however long you need to. I don't mind at all! S'nice having company."

and they fall in love with each other the end.

[clonerightsagenda]

Posting Gill’s bday fic over here with permission. It’s Rosemary-related and TLC compliant (with a couple of minor spoilers) but should be understandable even with no knowledge of the AU.

This is what you have learned from dating Rose Lalonde. Expect any room to fill up with clutter in her presence. Your attempts to keep things tidy are as effective as holding back the tide. Expect everything to take on the feel of an epic, like you might be summoned onto a world-altering quest at a moment’s notice. It’s like a human fairy tale, but the old kind, not remakes that are all glitter and talking animals. The stories with teeth.

Don’t expect her to say that she loves you.

Don’t take it personally either. That’s what you remind yourself. Rose resists sincerity. When you presented her with the first flowers you’d grown in the new greenhouse (roses; you’d been delighted to learn she’d been named for a flower), she’d laughed uncertainly like you’d unlocked an event she didn’t have a script for. Over the next week, as the blooms withered, they moved around. First you spotted them on the windowsill, then on her bedside table, in this vase or that one, like she couldn’t figure out what place they had in her life.

On the Land of Rays and Frogs, you encountered a puzzle path made of colored lily pads. If you stepped on the wrong one, it would buckle and deposit you in a mini-boss chamber before you returned to the start, weary and wiser. Navigating this relationship feels much the same. Some of your missteps now are the inevitable outcome of two species still learning about each other, but not all of them. After reading Rose’s walkthrough, you’d daydreamed of meeting its author. Now you think you need a walkthrough for her too.

The day after your tumultuous first date, Rose dumped her concoctions down the drain, saying she could embarrass herself perfectly well without the aid of depressants. Not even a week later, she set the equipment up again.

“It might come in handy for medicinal purposes,” she said when you asked her why she’d changed her mind. “Besides, it wasn’t all bad.” She winked. “We got some mileage out of it.”

You blushed, and your rainbow drinker glow briefly flared before you wrestled it under control again. In the first few weeks you hadn’t known how the rules changed when you moved from unofficial to official. Where did you put your eyes, or your hands? What were you allowed to say? “It did make you more forward.”

She laughed, and from the sharpness on her breath you realized she’d already been sampling her experiments. “I can be so fucking uptight sometimes. Maybe we all need to lighten up. Lighten up. Get it?”

“I get it,” you said. But you didn’t.

So you sought clarification from Dave. After you quested through the meteor, lipstick at the ready in case of clown sightings, you found him topside staring back the way you’d come. At the beginning of your journey, you’d taken turns stationing yourselves there, afraid Jack would catch up and resume his rampage when you least expected it. When he didn’t make an appearance, you’d all let your guards down, reducing sentry duty to a quick backward glance now and then. Was he keeping watch for Lord English now?

“Are you watching for Jack?” you asked.

He jumped and tried to cover it with a miniscule adjustment to his cape. “Nah. Watching Skeletor blast everyone to bits.”

“You and Rose have been up here a lot recently.”

“We both came up after the first killing, you know? It was so loud.” He rubbed at his eyes underneath his shades. His skin is a few shades lighter than his sibling’s, and you could see shadows there. “It’s been hard to sleep since then. At least she’s found a way to conk out.”

“About her newfound use of soporifics.” You hesitated, staring up at the flashing lights that were already becoming familiar. It’s amazing how fast you accustom yourselves to the unthinkable. “Is that normal for humans?”

He frowned. (Later, he’d tell you he hadn’t been sure how to respond. “I didn’t want to fuck it up for you two,” he said. “I didn’t think it’d get that bad.”) “Hard to say what’s normal in our situation. Guess a lot of people would pull out a bottle after everything we’ve gone through. Better than sticking a forty-five in your mouth. She’s always been extreme about reacting to things. It’s hard to believe we’re the same damn species sometimes, let alone siblings.”

“I didn’t think an outing with me is so terrible you have to be out of your wits to enjoy it.” You didn’t mean to sound petulant, but his eyebrows rose.

“She doesn’t mean it like that.”

“I thought you didn’t understand her.”

“It would take an institutional thinktank to really figure her out, but I do a little.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. He does that when he’s being serious sometimes. “I think the whole thing freaked her out. Freaks her out, present tense, if you’re officially an item now. Congrats, by the way.”

“Thank you.”

Another spiderweb of cracks blossomed above your heads. You could see them reflected in Dave’s shades as he said, “I don’t think she trusts anyone being nice to her 100%, that’s all. Not even me.”

Rose has been clean for months now in human terms. You both have. The first few weeks of your victory were spent dealing with the effects of abandoning your substances of choice. You stumbled around feeling as if you’d been dipped in concrete, your movements and thoughts slow and ponderous. Rose went days without sleep and flinched away from things the rest of you couldn’t see. Roxy warned you of what to expect, since she’d gone through the process before. She’s also the one who told you to remind Rose to eat. “She’s not gonna want to,” she said. “You feel gross all over and the last thing you want to do is stick more shit in your body, but if you don’t eat you’ll just feel crummier.”

You’d noticed her drinking her meals before, but you’d never brought it up beyond meaningful glances or the pointed placement of foodstuffs in her respiteblock. Rose has always been good at dodging questions. “Do you have any suggestions for a strategic approach? She’ll try to deflect me with witticisms. Her barbs are floppy at the edges right now, but my defenses are equally compromised.”

“That’s a cute way of saying you’re both fucked up.” Roxy shrugged. “I can’t beat her in a war of words, and I wouldn’t try. My advice? Sit on her and force feed her Saltines while telling her it’s for her own good.”

You had been skipping meals yourself. Even after eating normal food, you still felt hungry. Your system wanted something else to satisfy it, so what was the point? Rose latched on to that hypocrisy when you tried to nag her, so you’d end up sitting across the table from each other with plates of leftovers cold from the fridge, matching each other mouthful for mouthful. Whatever worked.

The worst of that is past now. But sometimes she still behaves in ways that make you wonder if after all these sweeps she really trusts you.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -- GA: Jade GA: Shes Doing It Again GG: whos doing what? :o GA: You Know Who GA: Who Else Do I Come To You In Search Of Explanations For Their Inexplicable Habits GA: Show Some Space Player Solidarity Here GA: There Are So Few Of Us Who View Common Sense As Part Of A Complete Breakfast GG: for everyone else its an optional granola to sprinkle on top GA: The Recipe Said Season To Taste And Im Afraid Theres A Serious Lack Of That In The Premises GA: Ok Can We Cut The Extended Cooking Metaphor Out GG: yeah, it was getting a little meanspirited GA: That Too I Guess Mostly I Didnt Want To Get Stuck Exchanging Culinary Puns GG: ok, what terrible thing is rose doing now GA: She Has Locked Herself In Her Room And Has Been Listening To Her Playlist Designated For Angst For Three Hours GG: lol GG: that behavior cannot stand! GG: except it sort of can, since we all have a right to privacy GG: even if we exercise that right by listening to sad music all day GG: these things cannot be revoked for bad taste GA: Actually Most Of It Has Been Pretty Good GA: Filtering Through The Door Gives It Nice Acoustics GG: maybe you need to give her some... space :D :D :D GA: I Just Want To Know What Upset Her GA: She Says It Wasnt Me But I Dont Know If That Means It Wasnt Me Or It Was Me And I Am Expected To Work That Out On My Own GA: A Reassessment Of The Past Few Days Activities Hasnt Turned Up Anything Suspicious GG: i cant think of anything that might have upset her... GG: ohhhhhhhhhh GG: i think its her moms birthday GG: that might be it GA: How Did You Know GA: Is That Supposed To Be Common Knowledge GG: she complained one time about having to go to a fancy dinner GG: something thrown by her moms colleagues i think??? GG: her mom made her dress up in something frilly, she said she felt like an american girl doll GG: to be honest she sent a picture and i thought it was a cute dress!! GG: definitely not her style though GA: Im Impressed You Remember GG: i try to keep track of these things GG: it was nice hearing about everyones lives, i always wished I could do things like that GG: tell me your lususes birthday, i will put it in my calendar GA: I Never Knew It GA: I Wish Shed Told Me GA: Rose I Mean I Dont Think Wriggling Days Are Important For Virgin Mothergrubs GG: dont take it personally GG: she does it to all of us, and youre her girlfriend so she has to be EXTRA secretive about terrible and compromising things like emotions GA: That Logic Sounds Backward GG: the human mind is a complicated maze of mystery kanaya GA: Sounds Mysterious GG: it is GG: she probably doesnt realize its stressing you out, i know shes trying to be better about that kind of thing GG: you know, COMMUNICATION!! D: GA: No Please Anything But That GG: the achilles heel of our entire household GG: i can bug her if you want GA: No Thats Ok GA: Mostly I Wanted To Make Sure I Hadnt Caused This And Needed To Resolve It GA: If She Wants To Grieve By Herself I Understand GG: if shes still in there by dinner well root her out! GG: there is a limit to how many sad songs are good for your soul GA: Ok GA: In The Meantime Do You Have Any Work That Needs Doing In The Greenhouse GA: Id Like To Keep My Hands Busy GG: theres some stuff that needs deadheading on table three GG: do you want company? GA: No Thats Fine GA: Ill Talk To You Later GG: sure thing! -- ¬¬grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GA: Im Sorry About Your Mother TT: Who told you about that? GA: Jade TT: Figures. TT: Lousy goddamn supportive friends. GA: She Has Said She Will Flush You Out If You Dont Come Down To Dinner GA: Do You Feel Up To It GA: Otherwise I Can Convince Her To Leave You Be GA: She Is Easily Distracted From Her Resolutions If You Know How To Play Your Gaming Rectangles Right TT: No, I'll be there. TT: What time is it? GA: Half Past Five So No Rush GA: Im Still Gardening And Havent Washed Up TT: It might take me that long to get presentable. GA: Was Her Wriggling Day Important To You GA: I Admit The Concept Is New To Me GA: What With Our Ancestors Being So Far Removed From Our Lives And Our Guardians Being Literal Fauna Who Did Not Celebrate Notable Dates TT: It’s probably not even her real birthday. TT: We were all created on the same day, and I doubt anyone was on hand to record when her meteor touched down. TT: She must have picked a day she liked. TT: We used to give each other over-the-top gifts every year. TT: I thought she was being passive aggressive, so I reciprocated in turn. TT: The last year, I thought about getting her a bedazzled martini glass, but I didn’t get around to it. TT: Thank god. TT: I can only hope she interpreted my gestures as sincere as readily as I interpreted hers as sarcastic. TT: Otherwise she must have thought I was the worst daughter imaginable. GA: Im Sure She Didnt Think That TT: I wish I’d given her something better. TT: Something genuine. GA: I Was Working On A New Hat For Nepeta During The Game GA: I Got Some Monster Slime On Her Old One With A Sloppy Chainsaw Maneuver And Even Though She Said It Wasnt The First Time I Wanted To Make It Up To Her GA: And Help At Least One Of My Teammates Diversify Their Wardrobe TT: There’s always an ulterior motive, isn’t there? GA: You Tell Me GA: You Are The Expert In Decoding The Nefarious Meaning Hidden Within Every Exchange Of Pleasantries TT: It’s a secret code, Kanaya. TT: The sixth grader who tossed the newspaper into our yard this morning is working with the KGB. That’s what "Good morning" meant. This is well established in spy manuals. GA: My Knowledge Of Human Subterfuge Is Always Expanding GA: The Hat Was Supposed To Be A Surprise GA: Then I Found It In A Treasure Chest Not Long Into Our Journey GA: Theyre Gone And You Know That But Then You Find Something That Reminds You GA: Oh GA: Ill Never Give Her That Will I TT: I don’t know what I would’ve done if we’d lost anyone from our session. TT: Well, I do know. I have memories from a timeline where we lost half. TT: It wasn’t pretty. TT: I know in a lot of ways we got lucky. GA: Its Not A Contest GA: You Dont Have To Have Had It Worst To Feel Bad TT: I know. TT: But it’s hard. GA: See Look At Us Talking About Our Emotions Isnt That Nice GA: A Horrible Kind Of Nice TT: Or a nice kind of horrible. TT: Either or. GA: The Juxtaposition Is Key TT: I didn't mean to shut you out. GA: I Know You Need Privacy Sometimes GA: I Would Just Prefer To Know Whats Going On So I Dont Have To Worry About Whats Wrong GA: And You Know You Can Talk To Me TT: I know. Intellectually. TT: Is it weird I can trust you all with my life but not always with my feelings? GA: Kind Of GA: But I Get It GA: Were All Weird About Some Things TT: I'm trying to do better. And I'll let you know next time I need to indulge in a three-hour sad jams session so you won't worry. TT: Maybe after I've run through my playlist, we can even talk about it. GA: We Can Sit Awkwardly At A Table Waiting For The Other One To Break The Silence First TT: A tradition. GA: Also I Should Let You Know Its Stir Fry Night TT: Really? TT: You should have led with that. TT: Save me a seat.

As time passes, you all improve with hesitant steps that sometimes send you sliding back, sometimes not. Rose throws herself into her walkthrough, which she plans to distribute to anyone else caught up in SGRUB’s gears. Everyone is on consultant duty to flesh out areas of personal expertise. You, however, are her co-editor, a position of special privilege.

Rose views the work as one more way to help whatever players come after you. Your motivation is less selfless. Once, several sweeps and universes ago, an alien’s words found you and gave you something to hang on to. Somewhere, in a distant galaxy, someone else is being forced to play this game. Maybe your words can reach them, like Rose’s reached you. Working on the walkthrough now lets you build something together in a way that she won’t dismiss as sappy and overdone, a love letter for the universe.

That doesn’t mean you don’t run into difficulties, of course.

TT: Have you had a chance to look over the Prospit chapter? GA: Oh Uh GA: Ive Seen It TT: Did you have any feedback? TT: I'm going to ask Jade too, but I thought I'd give you the first shot. GA: Um GA: I Dont Know TT: Was it that off-base? TT: I know I'm a Derse dreamer, but I tried to be thorough. GA: Its More The Tone GA: You Wrote That Prospit May Look Friendlier But Should Still Be Viewed As An Antagonist Because It Has Ulterior Motives GA: And Maybe Thats True Especially About The Clouds GA: But My Time On The Moon Was The Brighter Portion Of My Childhood GA: And The People Of Prospit Were Always Kind To Me GA: So I Guess The Framing Made Those Memories Feel Kind Of GA: Threatened TT: Oh. GA: It Isnt A Logical Reaction TT: What do you think I should change? GA: I Dont Know GA: Maybe Nothing GA: Youre The Expert Here I Know Im Biased Toward My Moon Whatever Systems It Might Be Part Of GA: We All Take That View About Some Parts Of Our Youth Dont We GA: Even If It Was Part Of Something Bad We Remember The Good Moments GA: We Hold On To The Small Kindnesses TT: …Yeah. GA: You Can Disregard That Feedback GA: Youre The One With Writing Expertise And A Clear Goal In Mind GA: I Dont Really Know What Im Doing GA: Youre Better At This TT: I’m really not. TT: I just put on a more convincing show. TT: Don’t dismiss yourself. You have expertise in areas I don’t. GA: I Guess Im Not As Used To Putting Myself Out There TT: You can come up with a clever pen name. TT: There’s a tradition of vampires spelling their names backward. GA: Im Reformed TT: An anagram then, maybe. TT: Jokes aside, this is a collaborative project. We’ve got a Google doc and everything. TT: I don't want to intergalactically publish anything you're not comfortable with. TT: How about a revision session this evening? I'll bring Lofthouse cookies. GA: The Ones That Are Just Discs Of Sugar And Flour TT: With nary a redeeming nutritional quality in sight. TT: Keep that quiet, though. Jane would kill me if she knew I was smuggling them into the house. GA: Sounds Great Ill Be There

Rose’s typical drafting position is on her stomach with her laptop propped up on the pillow. You prefer to stretch your legs out with your back up against the wall. Thermoses of tea balance precariously between the two of you on the mattress.

“There’s been a lot of activity on the kernelsprite document,” Rose says, flicking through the pages. “Apparently Hal listed “100 advantages of being prototyped” and Dirk replaced it with “Most of this list is either illegal or immoral.” I’m turning track changes on to see what they were.”

You tap your fingers idly on the keys while your own husktop buffers. “Anything good?”

“Get away with murder,” she reads. “That’s cliché, you don’t even have to be a sprite for that. I think he just put it in there to be edgy. He’s trying so hard; you have to respect that. It’s like when I started buying black makeup to try to spite my mother.” She scrolls down further. “Oh, here’s a good one. Clip through the floor.”

“I’ve seen John do it. He’s not as original as he thinks he is.” You peer at her screen. “Eat your enemy’s phone. I’ll give him points for one. It’s not feasible for most mortals.”

Rose reaches across your legs for another cookie. “Sure, if you’re a coward.”

“I’ll accept that designation if it means avoiding a mouthful of circuitry.”

She chews thoughtfully and then flicks a sprinkle off onto the carpet. At least you’re in her room. Still, you feel a compulsion to pick it up. “About what you were saying earlier. I don’t want to contribute to any lingering insecurities.”

The change of topics catches you off guard. “They’re milling around in the lobby, but I’m not letting them upstairs.” You shrug, your shoulders sliding up the wall. “As we’ve been reminding each other, we can’t fix everything about ourselves immediately. I’m more confident than I used to be. I didn’t let Jake talk me into that routine with the glitter.”

“Shame.” She frowns at you, an expression diluted somewhat by a rim of frosting on her upper lip. “I’m not commandeering this project too much, am I? It’s nice to have something to be enthusiastic about again, but maybe I’m getting carried away.”

“No, you’re being very accommodating.” You squirm, smoothing out inconsequential creases in your skirt. Sometimes feelings don’t make sense. But once Rose decides she wants to talk about them, she tries to pin them to the page and dissect them. She does it because she wants to understand and help, the same way she wants to reverse engineer SBURB with words to assist players who come after. That doesn’t make the process any more pleasant when you’re the one on the operating table. “The problem is on my end, in the concern lobby. The lurking insecurities have been taking numbers for a while, and the counter is only up to twelve.”

“Like Inside Out crossed with a DMV? Hellish.” Rose picks up a pen and rolls it between her fingers. She likes to draft things longhand first sometimes. “I remember back on the last day of the game, you said you thought everyone burned brighter than you. You must’ve realized by now that my “burning brighter” is mostly because I have a habit of setting myself on fire.”

You’ll admit you’d been starstruck by the walkthrough’s mysterious author. It had been nice to harbor a new secret crush once Vriska was a lost cause. And you’d first met Rose face to face as a newly risen goddess bathed in the luminescence of the Green Sun. She’d seemed ethereal and beyond you.

Then, after the first few hours of sorting out living arrangements and watching Karkat roam around yelling for Gamzee to give the bodies back, she’d announced she was going to “sleep for a fucking week” and faceplanted into the nearest rug. Dave didn’t help beyond alchemizing some safety cones and setting them up around her. That had helped a little. So had seeing what her hair looks like in the mornings. “If you’re worried I have some unattainable vision of you set on a mental altar, rest easy. But you did restructure the multiverse with nothing but nerve, so I might still want your autograph a little.”

Rose brandishes the pen. “Only on the condition I get to sign your bra.” When you wave her away, she drops it on the pillow. “Spearheading the multiverse operation is one of my prouder accomplishments, I’ll admit, but my violet-tinged authorial prowess is entirely due to thinking I was hot shit as a pre-teen on the Internet. Besides, if we’re talking bragging rights, you fixed reality. Not to mention put up with us idiots for three years.”

“That was a struggle.” At times you’d wondered if you were the only one on the meteor keeping ahold of your wits. “Remember when the ceiling panels gave way and Gamzee fell onto the table?”

“Not our best group dinner. But you see, I’m a mess. You’re the one who has her act together.”

You frown. Being praised for your stability is a sore spot of yours. Yes, you’d been the one to bear everyone else’s struggles. That doesn’t mean you liked it. “I had to. Someone did. It got tiring after a while, though.”

Rose winces. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. You shouldn’t have had to. But it is impressive that you did.”

“You were sick,” you say, in response to her apology.

You see her shoulder blades rise and fall in a muted shrug. “I know. But that doesn’t mean you should have had to deal with it.”

“I guess…” Maybe you’re the one who’s prompted her to speak up, but you struggle with your words too. Troll culture teaches you that open exchanges of feelings are for moirails. Palemates are the only people you can trust the depths of your soul to, if you can truly trust anyone at all. Humans don’t compartmentalize in the same way. You can see the benefits of that system, but you still fear saying the wrong thing will push her away. “You undercut yourself to tell me I’m better than I think I am. But if I’m already worried about measuring up to some standard, that just pushes us both lower. Do you see what I mean?”

“The self-deprecation’s not cute. Got it.” She twists around in what is probably some kind of advanced yoga pose to look you in the eye. “But you shouldn’t undersell yourself either, ok?”

When she doesn’t break eye contact, you nod reluctantly. “This is a very affirming argument we’re having.”

She reaches over and prods you with the pen. “I’m channeling Jake. Believe in yourself.”

You smile. “It’s hard to resist, these days.”

When you’re done for the evening, Rose captchalogues her laptop and you troop out. Everyone has their own room, but all of you tend to spend more of your nights in the common area curled up in armchairs or slumped over each other on sofas, within easy sight of each other when you wake from bad dreams. After a few weeks of intentionally lingering there until you fell asleep, you made it official and filled the whole room with soft materials like a huge communal pile. Terezi even taped up democratically-determined regulations. Rose spends some nights curled up next to you with her face shoved so close against your neck you wonder how she can breathe. Sometimes, though, she retreats to a corner with a pillow at her back like a wall. You know not to approach her then.

Tonight, she finds an empty patch of floor and drops down on it. You lower yourself next to her.

“Are you happy with the chapter now?” she asks.

“I’d like to give it another pass tomorrow, but it’s much better.”

“And everything else?”

“That’s better too.”

“Good.” She gives you a peck on the lips and, when Terezi wolfwhistles, flips her the bird and kisses you for real. You kiss her back, until… You pull away.

“Are you wearing my lip balm?”

“Maybe.” She purses the lips in question. “It’s got a good flavor.”

“I was wondering where that went. You know, you could have just asked to borrow it.” Grudgingly, anyway. She has a terrible habit of licking the stuff off and then reapplying it to start the cycle anew.

Rose raises an eyebrow. “You offered to do my laundry so you could steal my favorite shirt.”

You think, with only a modicum of guilt, of the shirt you have stashed behind the laundry basket in your closet. “It’s very soft.”

“I’m never getting that back, am I?”

“Probably not.”

She sticks her tongue out at you and pulls a blanket over her shoulders. “Night.”

“Good night,” you say. That’s the only endearment you exchange.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -- GA: Karkat GA: Karkat Answer Your Phone I Know You Can See This GA: Youre Looking At It Right Now CG: YEAH I SURE AM. CG: I'M STARING AT THIS MARVELOUS HUNK OF PLASTIC AND ELECTRICITY IN MY HANDS AND REFLECTING ON HOW IT GRANTS US THE ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER FROM ANY DISTANCE. CG: SUCH AS, FOR EXAMPLE, EIGHT FUCKING FEET AWAY. GA: This Is Private CG: I DIDN'T KNOW WE HAD A CONCEPT OF PRIVACY ANYMORE. CG: COLOR ME SURPRISED, SO SOME THINGS ABOUT OUR LIVES *AREN’T* SUPPOSED TO BE COMMON KNOWLEDGE? GA: It Might Help If You Spoke With Any Kind Of Discretion Or Volume Control CG: NOT AN OPTION. CG: CARRY ON. GA: Youve Watched A Lot Of Human Romances GA: What Is The Appropriate Interval Before Affirmations Of Matespritship Are Exchanged GA: You Know Like GA: Uh CG: "I LOVE YOU"? GA: Yes That CG: THE FIRST STEP IS BEING ABLE TO TYPE IT INTO A PRIVATE CHAT SESSION WITHOUT BLUSHING. CG: I CAN SEE YOU OVER THERE. GA: Dammit GA: What Is The Waiting Period Here Like Three Sweeps CG: SO I GUESS SHE HASN'T DONE IT YET? GA: Well GA: Not Sober GA: She Was Quite Eager To Confess Admiration While On Soporifics GA: To Everyone And Everything Including Inanimate Objects GA: Im Not Sure Such Exchanges No Matter How Heartfelt Can Be Considered Fully Genuine CG: YOU'RE IN LUCK, A LOT OF HUMAN FILMS COVER THIS IN DEPTH. CG: IF YOU WANT I CAN ARRANGE A VIEWING SESSION WITH SOME MORE INFORMATIVE SELECTIONS. GA: That Might Be Fun GA: But Mostly I Would Appreciate Some Friendly Advice GA: As Educational As Im Sure The Latest Work Starring Anne Hathaway Would Be CG: AN EXECUTIVE SUMMARY IS: CG: IT USUALLY DOESN’T TAKE THIS LONG. CG: BUT THE CHARACTERS INVOLVED ARE OLDER, THE SAME SPECIES, AND HAVEN’T BEEN THROUGH A WAR, SO IT’S NOT A REPRESENTATIVE SAMPLE. CG: ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT IT? GA: Not Exactly GA: I Know The Sentiment Is There GA: If Anything I Just Hope She Feels Comfortable Enough She Knows She Can Be Open With Me GA: Shes Trying But I Can Tell Its Still Difficult For Her CG: DAVE SAYS "its obvious shes crazy about you" SO NO WORRIES THERE. GA: Why Is Dave Part Of This Conversation CG: HE WALKED OVER AND LOOKED AT MY PHONE OVER THE BACK OF THE SOFA. CG: LIKE I SAID. PRIVACY = ZERO GA: Hi Dave CG: HE SAYS HI. GA: I Saw Him Wave GA: Now Tell Him To Go Away CG: AND HE’S GONE. CG: THE CHAT IS CLEAR OF FUTURE BROTHERS-IN-LAW. GA: Future What CG: THAT’S WHAT YOU’LL BE IF YOU AND ROSE GET "HUMAN MARRIED". CG: THE RITUAL MAKES YOU FAMILY WITH THEIR ENTIRE FAMILY. CG: I’M PRETTY SURE IT WAS HISTORICALLY DESIGNED TO ACQUIRE ECONOMIC AND POLITICAL ADVANTAGES. CG: YOU KNOW, KIND OF LIKE HOW INTERCASTE MOIRALLEGIANCES CAN AFFORD LOWER CASTES PROTECTION. CG: BUT IN MODERN TIMES MOSTLY IT MEANS YOU’RE STUCK WITH THOSE CHUCKLEFUCKS FOR LIFE AS A PACKAGE DEAL. GA: Oh No CG: OH YES. GA: Karkat I May Be Rethinking This Whole Venture CG: TOO LATE, I’M GOING TO BE YOUR BEST MAN. IT’S ALREADY DECIDED. GA: What Is A Best Man GA: Is It Whoever I Have Designated If I Were For Some Reason Obligated To Wed Someone Of That Gender CG: NO. CG: THE MOVIES AREN’T ENTIRELY CLEAR ABOUT THEIR ROLE, BUT IN GENERAL THEY GIVE HEARTFELT SPEECHES AND PROVIDE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. GA: Maybe I Want Jake To Be My Best Man GA: He Can Recite Touching Monologues Ripped From The Silver Screen CG: YOU HAVE NO SAY IN THIS WHATSOEVER. CG: (YOU KNOW I’M JOKING, RIGHT?) GA: I Figured GA: Although I Wouldn’t Put It Past You To Try To Plan That Kind Of Thing Out For Me CG: HEY IF YOU EVER WANT IDEAS, I CAN THROW SOME OUT THERE. CG: YOU’RE WAY TOO YOUNG FOR THAT KIND OF THING THOUGH. CG: AND WE STILL HAVE TO GET YOU FROM POINT A TO POINT B, WHICH INVOLVES TRAVERSING THE ROCKY TERRAIN OF EMOTIONAL HONESTY, WITH WHICH I HAVE HAD NO PAST PROBLEMS AT ALL. CG: YOU COULD ALWAYS SAY IT FIRST YOURSELF I GUESS. CG: UNLESS YOU THINK THAT’LL MAKE HER EVEN MORE NERVOUS? GA: It Might GA: Outright Displays Of Emotion Embarrass Her She Relates It Too Much To Her Drunken Excesses And Those Of Her Mother GA: If I Can Be Permitted To Psychoanalyze Here GA: Shes Admitted As Much CG: THEN… LET HER KNOW SHE CAN FEEL COMFORTABLE? CG: THAT DOESN’T SOUND VERY EXCITING, BUT MAYBE IT DOESN’T HAVE TO. CG: THEY MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT IN THE MOVIES BUT I THINK AS LONG AS YOU’RE BOTH ON THE SAME PAGE WHETHER THOSE THREE EXACT WORDS HAVE ESCAPED YOUR QUIVERING CHUTE FLAPS DOESN’T MATTER ALL THAT MUCH. CG: THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO SHOW YOU CARE. I’M PRETTY SURE YOU’VE GOT THAT COVERED. CG: MOVIES AREN’T ALWAYS THAT REALISTIC ABOUT WHICH PARTS OF A RELATIONSHIP ARE A FEDERAL FUCKING ISSUE VERSUS WHICH PARTS ARE NEGOTIABLE. GA: !! CG: YEAH YEAH RUB IT IN. CG: SO I RELIED ON THEM A LOT, IT’S NOT LIKE I HAD MUCH PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. GA: I Shouldnt Criticize This Was Helpful GA: Thanks For Listening GA: And I Would Like To Watch Movies With You Sometime If That Offer Is Still On The Table CG: DEFINITELY. CG: I’LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I’VE GOT A GOOD LINEUP PULLED TOGETHER.

A few days later, Rose wanders into your room unannounced and flops onto the bed. This isn’t uncommon behavior, so you keep sorting through your clean laundry. Her cat behaves similarly, insinuating himself into a room as if he belongs there. It’s a lazy confidence you envy. “We should go out,” she says, directing her words at the ceiling.

“We should?” you ask, holding two socks up to see if they match. They don’t, exactly, but they are a pair. Rose knitted them for you herself. They’re lumpy and awkwardly shaped, and you treasure them.

“We were going to do something fun after the game, remember? That was the plan. But we've both been sick, and outside is...” Rose waves toward the window and the world it serves as a barrier against. “Outside, so we haven't gotten around to it. But we should. You’ve been in your room a lot. It’ll do us both good.”

Drat. Your downturns aren’t as explosive as the others’. Sometimes you simply withdraw, spending more time on your own while a mental screen descends between you and the world, distorting it like a blur filter. There’s nothing wrong with you, exactly; it’s just that you don’t have the energy. That’s not bad, right? There are worse things than numbness. “What were you thinking we could do?”

She sits up halfway and then flops back down again. The pillows bounce. “I was hoping you'd have some ideas.”

You twist the socks together and toss them into the appropriate drawer. “The only thing I remember suggesting was outfits without sleeves.”

“Compelling, but not really something to make a date out of.” Rose frowns. “Have we ever... had a normal date? By regular people's standards?”

“Troll or human?” You shake your head. “I don't think any species would give us a passing grade.”

“Earthworms might be impressed.”

You pout. “You've never taken me to any good plots of soil.”

“We'll do that next time. For now, Jane said someone needs to do the shopping.”

“You know how to sweep me off my feet.”

Rose, still prone, waves a list in your direction. “It'll be fun. We get to pick which flavor of potato chips we want, and everyone else has to live with it.”

If Alternia had anything like supermarkets, they hadn’t spread near your oasis. For all that your caste can stand the sun, the electric lights hurt your eyes. They’re too bright – a harsh white that makes all the bright colors look flat and artificial. You reach for Rose’s hand, and she squeezes it. “I appreciate the support,” you say, “but I wanted to see the list.”

“Oh. Right.” She brings it up for both of you to consult. “Does Jade know how expensive beef is? She’s really running us through it.”

“She’s been talking about growing vegetables for the household. It’s too bad she can’t raise her own cows.”

“Don’t give her ideas. She wouldn’t be able to bring herself to butcher them, not after we’d named them all.” Rose leads you to the back of the store and scoops up slabs of meat packed into tidy foam and plastic containers. The setup is so clinical your residual rainbow drinker instincts don’t even twitch. It’s a far cry from the Alternian pastime of slicing your dinner up while it’s still wriggling. “We need milk,” she begins, and trails off after she pivots to the left. “It was that way in my old store. But they must not follow a common plan.”

Rose looks unmoored now that her navigational confidence has been broken. A lot of the humans are like this, wavering when their world doesn’t behave the way they think it should. It’s almost easier for those of you who expect foreign ways and customs. It’s harder to be a stranger in your own home. “We’ll wander,” you say, and steer her firmly by the shoulder.

By a combination of trial and error and studying signage like relics of a lost civilization, you manage to gather everything on the list. The only problem comes when you pass a series of shelves stacked with bottles, and Rose stiffens. It takes a moment for the pieces to fall into place – you’ve never seen wine packaged in its original containers before.

”Come on,” you say, linking your arm with hers. “Help me test which limes are ripest.”

You have to tug for a moment before she comes with you. You don’t think she’s planning to make a running leap for the vintage. If anything, she looks like she does when there’s an enemy sighted, wary and ready to spring. If she destroys several wine racks with a blast of divine light, that’ll probably go on your bill.

”Sorry,” she says, once you’ve made it to the produce section. “At my old store, it was in a separate room. Not out in the open.”

You lean toward her a little, so your shoulders press together. “It took you by surprise.”

She leans back. “Like pulling down your sheets and seeing a spider in your bed.” You see a dot of blood on her lower lip. She must have bitten it. “It must be harder for you. There’s no getting away from all that blood walking around on two legs.”

”It’s easier not to slip up, though.” You reach over with your free hand and dab at her cut, wiping the smear on the side of your shirt. “They’d make a fuss if I tried to sample it.”

”That’s what recovering alcoholics need.” She swipes at her mouth herself, but the wound is already closing. “Wine bottles that scream when you open them.”

”You’ve uncovered a new industry.”

”I need to patent it immediately.”

You squeeze her arm before letting go. If she’s making jokes, that’s a good sign.

Rose perks up when you’re heading toward the checkout. “Hang on. We have to stop by the natural foods section.”

”We do?” You check the list again. There’s nothing left on it.

”You never know,” she says. Now it’s her turn to drag you along. “The cure to all our life’s problems might be hiding next to the apricot kernels.”

Her tone is mocking. “Is there something wrong with natural products?”

”Not on their own. Jade says a lot of processed food upsets her stomach after growing up without it. But some people will pitch organic to you as the cure for cancer, and if you’re telling me you feed your four-year-old Goji berries instead of getting him vaccinated, I think you’ve opened yourself up to public disdain.” Rose plucks a box of tea off the shelf. “Look at this one. It says it’ll revitalize your body and restore harmony to your thoughts. All for twelve dollars, too.”

”Sounds like a deal.”

”It would have its work cut out for it with us. Hey, if I drink Sleepy Time and Stay Alert blends at the same time, what do you think will happen?”

”You’ll shed your corporeal form and ascend to a being of pure consciousness, and that would be a shame, because I like your face.” You retrieve the boxes and put them back before she decides to do product testing. “Apparently these exotic grains cure depression with their wholesome vitamins and minerals.”

”Buy the whole shelf.”

She’s right; some of these products are ridiculous. The two of you are giggling over asparagus water when a middle-aged woman pushes past you with her shopping cart. A highblood couldn’t look down their nose better. “Are you girls done with that?” she asks.

”Definitely,” Rose says, straight-faced. “I’d recommend it. It made us gay.”

Rose did the talking there, and you were too busy laughing to think of how to react. But when you get to the cashier, your tongue twists in your mouth. You stammer through pleasantries until Rose rescues you and completes the transaction. You drift away while she's collecting the bags, pretending to peruse the week's advertisement flier.

“She was pretty,” Rose says when she joins you, groceries in tow. “Is that why you were stuttering?”

You take half the bags from her. It would have been polite to help her carry them from the conveyor belt, but you needed to escape. “Was she? I didn't notice.”

She nudges you with a conspiratorial grin. “You don't have to play coy. I won't get jealous.”

“I'm not playing coy.” You shift one of the bags over your wrist, and something inside crinkles. Hopefully you didn’t break anything. “Her face was a blur. I panicked.”

Rose’s smile fades. “I’d forgotten you could be shy.”

The automatic doors whoosh open as the two of you approach. You sidestep a mother and her offspring going the other direction. “When you grow up on an oasis where your nearest neighbors are the shambling undead, you're a little cautious of strangers.”

“But willing to send them messages on Pesterchum questioning their intelligence and morals.”

She printed your first conversation logs off and stuck them to her wall, which you find equally endearing and annoying. Every time you see them, you itch to pull out a pen and make edits. “That's different. We weren't face to face. And... this is all new, here. I worry they'll be able to tell.”

“That they'll scream “Space invader!” and cart you off to a top secret facility?

”I’m sure it’s funny to you,” you say with a sniff, starting across the parking lot. “They won’t dissect you.”

She smiles again – you meant her to; the dissection at least was a joke. “I get nervous too. Not as much now after everything we’ve been through, but I’ve always been hyperaware of social situations. But I tend to take the ‘don't get scared; get angry’ approach.”

You recall how she marched up to the conveyor belt and slammed down her purchases. “I did wonder if you were going to challenge the salesperson to a strife.”

“Chalk it up to the childhood narcissism. I always felt like everyone was passing judgment.”

You accidentally make eye contact with a man stepping out of his vehicle and redirect your gaze at Rose’s collarbone. “Like everyone's watching.”

She nods. “And that's not true. They have their own problems and couldn't care less what we do. We're not important to them. In this case, that's reassuring.”

You’re surprised she finds it comforting. You’re happy to fade into the background; Rose likes to be noticed. You’d never realized it frightened her too. “What a pair we make,” you say.

“Between us, we add up to one functional person.”

You pull open the car door for her with a flourish. “I'd be generous and say at least 1.5.”

A few of the humans have been working to get their licenses so Jane’s father doesn’t have to drive them everywhere. Rose only has a permit, but that doesn’t stop her from using the car. Seer powers let her know if there’s likely to be trouble, but otherwise she drives like she’s got a grudge against the pavement. She peels out of the parking spot and then slams on the brakes. You hug a carton of eggs to your chest so they don’t splatter against the windshield. “What is it?”

”We have cold bags for everything, right?”

”Yes.” It was overkill for a short trip, but you prefer to be prepared.

She pulls into the store’s partner gas station while you wave apologetically at the elderly woman she just cut off. “This is a date. We’re going to get coffee.”

The coffee machine is broken, so you both get 99 cent slushies and sit on the curb next to the free air pump. The parking spot is empty save for a mulch of cigarette butts and ripped up Lotto tickets. Rose slurps some of her concoction out of a straw. It’s a murky mess, and you spotted her squirting a few shots of energy drink in for good measure. You spent several minutes painstakingly creating a rainbow pattern and are now trying to drink evenly to keep the layers intact. A bag of chips slumps half-empty between you. They’ll complain about that back home, but it’s their fault for not coming along to supervise.

Rose sucks on her straw with a noise like a drain unclogging. “How’s this for romance and adventure?”

“I could do it again,” you say. And you could. The encounter with the cashier still leaves you shaken, but the haze has peeled off the world. It’s funny how after everything you’ve been through, something as simple like this can be energizing. There are groceries in the car that need to get back and a household worth of responsibilities to keep up with, but right now it could just be the two of you setting off on some new adventure. Rose has always made you feel that way. Light players make the world narrow around them, drawing in attention, compressing possibility. They’re a lantern you bump against, entranced. With Rose, you’ve found one that doesn’t burn.

”Well shit, these were ninety-nine cents.” She smirks in the way that means you’ve missed a joke. “I think our budget can afford it.”

”Thank you for dragging me out here.” Lurking in your room seems silly now. “It helps, borrowing your confidence.”

”It’s a show,” she says. “I don’t know how you manage to seem so centered all the time.”

”Amateur theatrics,” you say. “One functional person, here we are.” She raises her drink in a toast, and you knock them together. ”I mean it, though,” you continue. “It’s nice, the way you turn things into adventures. Even if it’s a shopping trip, I don’t know where we’re going to end up. It’s unpredictable, but I like it. I like spending time with you.”

She smiles and looks away. Whenever you’ve successfully induced emotions, she never wants to look you in the eye. “That slushy must have made an impression.”

”It was good.” You flick the straw, sending drops of condensation scattering across the asphalt. “We didn’t have anything like this at home, at least not where I grew up. That might explain part of the rapturous response. But mostly I think it’s because I love you.”

Rose stills. That might be a bad sign, but you’ve gotten yourself into this situation, so you might as well keep going. “I’m not trying to corner you,” you say, looking down at your knees. “I know you have difficulty expressing some things. But I wanted to express that. Right now.”

When you sneak a look over, her shoulders are shaking. The ice from your drink solidifies in your stomach until you realize she’s laughing.

”Do you know how long I’ve been agonizing over this?” she asks.

”I knew why,” you begin. “Your mother…” That’s not a complete sentence, but it doesn’t have to be. Sometimes you want to ask John to transport you into Rose’s past so you can grab the woman by her shoulders and shake her. “How could you be so careless?” you want to demand. “Didn’t you realize what you were doing?” You are all the results of what has been done to you, combined with your attempts to overcome it. Even with your universes gone, their impressions remain as indelible parts of you. You wouldn’t want Rose to be anything other than who she is, but that doesn’t stop you from wishing she could have gotten something better growing up.

“That was what started it.” Rose takes a gulp of her drink. The humor drains from her voice. Now she’ll look you in the eye. “She’d vanish into her laboratory or a drunken stupor and leave me to fend for myself. The first time I tried cooking spaghetti I set off the fire alarm. I couldn’t get it to stop until I climbed up on a chair and took the batteries out. She slept through the whole thing. So when she turned up with a new present, how could I believe it was sincere? And even if it was, it didn’t make up for anything. If all you can give is the trappings of love, like you’ve bought out a Valentines’ clearance sale but can’t be damned to raise your own child, it doesn’t count.” She sloshes the remains of her drink around with one hand and watches it like she’s reading tea leaves. “So I guess I distrusted all of it. The glitz, the performance, anything. Even the words. Because if you do it right, they should know. But… in the past I’ve been guilty of overcorrecting.”

“Really?” You try to keep your tone teasing. Anything else might alarm her.

She elbows you in the ribs, but not hard. “Sometimes I’ve turned the wheel a bit and drifted over the dividing line between reasonable responses and terrible decisions by a few millimeters.”

“I think a driving instructor might say you sailed over the median, engaged with oncoming traffic, and left the highway entirely for parts unknown. What?” you add. “I’ve read the manual you’re all practicing from.”

“Five dollars says you pass the test before I do. After the timeline John made unhappen, I realized I’d never told you. For all the wrong, stupid reasons. I shouldn’t have let any of that stop me. I would’ve died with that as one of my greatest regrets. So I wanted it to be perfect, since I made you wait so long.” She covers her mouth with one hand and smiles through her fingers. “God, you should see my search history. I watched promposal videos, although I wiped all that data and I’ll deny it if you tell anyone. And here we are –” she pauses and shakes her head - “in a gas station parking lot. But you know what? I think it fits.” She slings an arm around your shoulders and plants a sticky kiss on your cheek. “I love you. Let’s make it count.”

This is what you have learned from dating Rose Lalonde. Expect your lives to accumulate the clutter of experiences together – receipts and stolen shirts and empty packages still streaked with frosting. Expect to make missteps, because the two of you are walking an uncharted path one step after another. Sometimes you fall, fight your demons, and climb back up again. You are all doing this for the first time.

Expect her to say she loves you in unexpected ways. A new package of lip gloss left on your pillow. A flower pressed between the pages of a heavy book to make it delicate and perfect. Occasionally, the words.

Make it count.

[gotgifsandmusings]

Quick asks roundup

I’m going out of town this afternoon for labor dabor, and probably won’t be around much during the weekend. Thought I’d answer a few asks below--just a grab bag, with a vague focus on S7. Should be able to do a video one of these next week, and Julia and I are eyeing a UBS podcast episode pretty soon too.

Anonymous said to gotgifsandmusings: Have you read David Benioff's book City of Thieves? I'm curious how it compares to GoT.

I haven’t, no. I’m not sure if that’s something I want to subject myself to (it has been mostly positively received from what I know, though not across the board) when there’s so much I’ve been putting off reading as it is.

Anonymous said to gotgifsandmusings: Is cerseï pregananant in the boox?

She’s actually gregnant.

Anonymous said to gotgifsandmusings: Just read your criticism about Fair Game and wholeheartedly agree. You touched on the core of why your (and Julia's and Caroline's and Jess' and Turtle's) GoT analysis are so great: they understand the intersection of narrative flaws and social issues. Sure, some people may complain that they don't want "SJW" stuff, except, y'know, you don't stop being a feminist when you write a review. As you say, media is not produced in a cultural vacuum. Sadly, I admit I feel reluctant to...... Actively criticize GoT with people around me because the ones who dislike it also dislike ASOIAF and fantasy/sci-fi ("The show is bad because GRRM is a bad writer who isn't really character-driven, but it's not surprising since genre stuff is awful"). That sucks :(

Yes, exactly! This is in reference to this piece by myself and Julia, btw. That’s really depressing about that perception of genre fic, especially given what Martin does being so unique. I’ve never particularly understood that attitude; I want to read about cool places and stuff happening as much as I want to read about weighty character journeys, and why scoff at any that pull off both? Though Julia has a piece on that too. 

But absolutely, as we said, it’s asinine to ignore the ways culture shapes media and vice versa, and often the reason the writing is so poor is because it’s so sensationalist or reliant on shitty tropes and stereotypes. “Just enjoy it (or critique) without focusing on social issues” is the ultimate sign of privilege, and it drives me crazy because it’s tossed out as an appeal to “objectivity.” IF YOU’RE IGNORING PEOPLE’S EXPERIENCES YOU’RE ALREADY NOT BEING OBJECTIVE.

Anonymous said to gotgifsandmusings: I'm curious why you guys interpret Cersei's internalized misogyny as nothing to do with gender dysphoria. All because Cersei doesn't break down during her period doesn't mean you must read her as cisgendered. She treats femininity like her least-favorite subject in school, not like part of herself. You're welcome to read her story as about women internalizing misogyny, but her thoughts feel familiarly trans, and outright denying that reading closer-to-earths her

This is really interesting, and my assumption would definitely a result of my own distance with that experience. Are there any metas on it? I haven’t really considered this before (I’ve seen the case argued for Brienne), and I’m not very convinced Martin had much intentionality here, but that’s a reading of her character I’d definitely like to learn/think more about.

Anonymous said to gotgifsandmusings: How can Euron "Crow's Eye, Terror of Pentos" Greyjoy come across as such a wimpy villain that I'm missing Ramsay? Hell, effing Joffrey could have torn that cuddly pooh bear a new one.

But...he’s the storm. You weren’t quaking in your boots when his fleet armada magically descended on Yara’s?

Anonymous said to gotgifsandmusings: I haven't seen anyone else comment on this, but did you notice Cheryl says "You expect me to command our troops to fight beside foreign scum?" almost immediately before telling Jaime she's bringing the foreign Golden Company from Essos to fight beside their troops? Do you think the writers ever make it to second drafts or do they just knock out the first on the back of a Hooters napkin over Natty Ices and fist bumps and say, nah, we're good bro?

A showpologist would tell you it’s clearly demonstrating what a horrible hypocrite she is and actually rather cutting commentary.

It’s really, really hard for me to imagine a world where Operation Capture a Wight received a look-over. A whole lot of what they do feels thoroughly unedited.

Anonymous said to gotgifsandmusings: Hey, I really appreciate all your GoT analysis. 1) Is Cheryl's assistant actually Ezri Dax? 2) Did you see Linda's episode review where she called D&D "smug idiots?" 3) Is it possible to enjoy GoT as schlock? I can't and don't, but It is certainly bad enough and dumb enough. Thanks!

Thank you :)

1) According to wikipedia, Ezri Dax’s actor is currently starring in “Corrupt aka Trust No One” and “Where’s my Baby”, but I’m glad you made me look her up, because the resemblance there is quite uncanny. The maid is played by Sara Dylan, and has actually been a consistent, recurring character since Season 2. Apparently her name is “Bernadette” because why not.

2) Was it her newest review? I do listen to those in the background of work when I’m doing spreadsheet kind of stuff, so I may not have caught that exact phrase, but I did hear the part where she basically said “just don’t even bother writing a plot. Only write battles because everything else is terrible.”

3) I mean, the people enjoying GoT are watching schlock, so it must be possible. I happen to think the ardent defenders/honeypotters aren’t the majority, and most people turn it on to watch dragons for 60 minutes, then talk about how cool the dragons looked the next day at work. It’s just that GoT comes with a stamp of “SMART ADULT SHOW” for reasons that will never cease to amaze me. So yeah, totally, but for me, I have a hard time enjoying something when the more you think about it, the worse it gets.

Anonymous said to gotgifsandmusings: I would bet my right hand that someone in the GoT writers' room probably rewatched season 1 which is why there's so many callbacks to it like Arya's "that's not you", Dany's infertility, Bran's "I told you not to trust me", etc etc. Like it just seems so obvious that they realized they ran out of content and decided to just revisit past seasons to make themselves seem smart and like they planned ahead so much.

Oh 100%. Season 1 was this year’s Lord of the Rings, which they had obviously binged before last year. I love it because then all the critics are like, “ohh my god it’s so well-planned and deep.” But no. It’s essentially grinning into the camera going “remember when?”, completely on par with Gendry’s boat joke.

Anonymous said to gotgifsandmusings: The writers gave up 3 seasons ago, but it feels like no one was really trying this year. The cast looked bored. The wigs were trash: Dany's fire-proof wig is also boatsex-proof and freezing wind-proof. The costumes were either too anachronistic for a so-called prestiege Medievalesque Drama or straight up uninspired: Cersei's modern office wear, Dany and LF are shopping at the same department store, Lyanna S dressed up for a college roman-themed party. I guess the special effects were ok.

I’m very, very hesitant to call out costuming because I know Michele Clapton is like, making up these immaculate honeypots and ordering the finest fabrics from Lithuania to pull everything together. But...yeah, as a viewer everything was kind of clearly ridiculous (Euron’s jacket), and EVERYTHING WAS BLACK with the exception of Deadpan’s coat, that was, I’m sorry, objectively hideous. The reason people fawned over it was because it was actually contrasting the blah they had been seeing all season.

As for the cast, I mean...I think these guys are decent actors who get into their roles when they can. But who could get into anything happening at this point? Stuff happens, don’t question it. The directing was probably fine (I don’t know enough about that stuff), but when the script is fundamentally lazy and uninspired, it’s going to bleed into everything.

Anonymous said to gotgifsandmusings: (Regarding episode 7) So the only leak that didn't come true was "Cersei's" bed of blood prediction and I'm wondering if she'll miscarry next season because morally evil incest women like Cheryl don't deserve babies while morally good (with the help of our friendzoned Saint T🙏) incest women like Deadpan get to conquer infertility and birth a Targ with the help of Jonny Cardboard's magic seed. That would be one boring Aegon 2(3?) infant. Thoughts?

Honestly, I can’t make heads or tails of why she was even pregnant. Larry didn’t need that to stay on her side at all, and the only thing I can think was that it added an extra TWIST for us. Haha, viewer! You thought she might have actually wanted to fight the threat because of her unborn kid and how many times we’ve told you her only redeeming quality is her motherhood, but now she’s EVHUL and even idealized motherhood can’t save her!

I guess it’s...kind of trope busting?

I kind of agree though, I don’t see them letting a BAD woman give birth and mother. At the same time, I don’t see how enough time can even pass where this would be a relevant plot-point to anything. So...I just, I don’t get it. I’ve gotta figure out how to structure my sexism & s7 analysis, and going back and revisiting Cheryl is probably going to be one of the most confused parts of it. I see many paths for how this unfolds, and none of them are really too promising.

Alrighty, gotta cut it here for today. Everyone have a safe labor day weekend (I guess there’s no heightened risk for non-Americans, but a safe weekend all the same), and I’ll talk to you guys later!

[todokori-kun]

Ack

 that sounds horrible, getting sick is the worst ;-; get as much rest as you can! I really hope you get better soon<3

(omg the pics are GORGEOUS. Like, Wow. Once I’m done writing this message I’m probably going to go back to stare at them for like an hour and silently scream over how awesome everything looks)

Don’t worry about it, I admit that Stoki is pretty much a crack ship ^^;;

And, well, the redemption fic I mentioned helped me fall deeper into Stoki hell, but I shipped it even before that XD I think part of it is just because I think they could have a really interesting dynamic- they’re just so different, complete opposites. Steve would confuse Loki so much tbh

Also, I just think that Steve (or at least, post-CW Steve) might be one of the avengers most willing to at least try to understand Loki. Partly because Steve’s just a nice guy, and then because of his relationship with Bucky- ‘cause Steve-Bucky and Thor-Loki are really, really similar and I think Steve would realize that.

And then like I said, Steve cares a lot about other people. If Thor ever told him about everything that happened between him and Loki Steve probably wouldn’t have too much difficulty in starting to see Loki as a human(?) being instead of some one-dimensional fairy tale villain.

Lastly, I feel like Steve is just the best person to handle Loki’s issues. He may not be able to personally relate to a lot of it (Tony, Bruce, maybe Natasha would be better for that) but he can take a step back and think rationally about the situation, help convince Loki that just because the rest of the world sees him as a monster, doesn’t mean he has to be one.

Hopefully this made sense? lol)

yeah, that’s pretty much how I felt about it too. It was just so freaking frustrating OTL

(And yes that letter destoyed my feelings too)

btw, can I ask what you think about T'challa? He doesn’t seem to have that many fans yet but I think he’s really cool and possibly one of the more sensible people in the CW movie (once he stops being furious at Bucky). Also the trailer for his new movie is epic and I can’t wait to see his sister…

Hisoillu is bizarre (sadistic murdery Clown with no sense of fashion + sadistic murdery needle guy with dead fish eyes) but also makes a lot of sense at the same time? Like, Hisoka got away with joking about killing Killua in front of Illumi, so…yeah. They’ve got something special LOL

omg imagine.

‘Satisfied but when you fantasize at night it’s Illumi’s eyes’

'Helpless but look into Illumi’s eyes and the sky’s the limit’

'History has its Eyes on you but it’s actually Illumi’

Why do I want these memes to be a thing

With the new revelation about who Touka was visiting at the hospital, I’m beginning to have my doubts about how this will end…maybe they might actually both survive for now???

But I’m a bit miserable rn because if one of them has to die I’d rather keep Juuzou too but it seems much more likely for Touka to survive. She’s like the main female lead, plus she has Kaneki’s baby…

R.I.P Naki, the sweetest cinnamon roll who just wanted to see his big bro again ;-;

(Also: Wow, way to go Kaneki, you finally started acting like an actual leader (in a way)! But can I just say, what absolutely perfect timing)

WTH I had no idea Soul Eater’s art style developed that much???!!! That’s actually pretty amazing! (And yeah, I know that SE has some pretty complex characters and interesting stories in it :D it’s just still a lot lighter and has different themes from the mangas I usually enjoy ^^ I might try it out though!)

Death The Kid seems really cool! (does he really have OCD in canon, though? Like, I’ve seen a lot of Soul Eater fans talking like he does but idk if it’s actually a thing? Maybe I sound weird but it just seems insensitive to say characters like DTK and Levi have 'OCD’ and talking about it jokingly when it’s actually incredibly difficult and stressful for people who actully have OCD, so I’m not sure how to feel about those fans)

Yay! Gotta go and try to find that fight scene now…

Join me in my suffering. I loved L so much ;-;

(But hey, don’t be too sad (what’s this? Is Evans actually COMFORTING Queen Luna for once instead of rubbing salt in the wound?!)! There’s always the book Death Note: Another Note (The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases)- it’s a prequel to the Death Note manga/anime with L chasing a murderer known as Beyond Birthday (…no comment on that alias). It also shows how he met Naomi Misora which is awesome if you like Naomi (I did, and kinda screamed when Light kiled her))

Eh, I think I’m one of the few people who doesn’t mind it being set in America because what’s the point of making an American adaptation if it’s going to be set in Japan anyway? I also don’t really have a problem with 'white-washing’ for this same reason (though I am disappointed because being Japanese-American would have added an interesting layer to Light’s character; despite fighting for justice, in canon, LIght’s never actually been victimized or discriminated against. He’s a handsome, intelligent young man who appears to be cisgender and heterosexual (even if it’s never confirmed) and is Japanese, just like everyone else around him. Japanese-American Light, on the other hand, would have really experienced how the 'rotten’ world could hurt people, so his acts as Kira might have more personal emotion in them)…like, it’s possible to cast a white actor as Light without it being white-washing, and since they changed the entire setting I think it’s fine to change other things too. Just, I’m cool with anything as long as they portrayed Light’s character properly…BUT THEY DIDN’T SO

I’m really just disappointed that they botched the characters and all the themes of the original Death Note story so badly. Sure, change the setting, change the circumstances, change the plot, changehe designs, but why did you have to take Death Note’s philosophy away?

But, because I might have been a bit too mean:

I will say that the movie LOOKS really good. The visuals are great. The soundtrack seems decent too. Also, though Ryuk’s motivations/role also weren’t done very well, Ryuk’s actor did an amazing job…and while I’m not happy with how L was portrayed in this movie, I do think that the actor they cast for him could have been a good L if not for the bad writing.

Well…from what I know, Light Turner ends up in a hospital at the end of the movie with his One True Love Mia(Misa) dead, so nah. The Keikaku failed.

(which just proves that Light Turner really is nothing like Light Yagami, because Light Yagami’s keikakus never fail.

Until the end of the Death note manga/anime, that is.)

Yeah, I know about SU’s terrible fandom, so I’m not going to actively participate in writing fanfic, drawing fan art or making HCs/theories with other people…I’m just gonna watch the show with my sister and look at pretty fanart XD

Tysm tho!

(Question: Which character do you think you are? And what kind of gem do you think you’d be?)

Aww, I’m so happy my awkward rambling actually made you feel better??? Like. Come on. You have no idea how much our convos helped me with anxiety and stress, so I have to thank you for that too <333

(And seriously, Queen Luna is amazing.)

For most people, they start going to elementary at seven (in international age) as far as I know, and then go to middle school at around thirteen. Then high school at…um…sixteen? Maybe? I’ve never really gone to school here so I might not be 100% correct but it’s something like that ^^;;

I really wanna try Mystic Messenger but since my phone is an old flip phone…I like my phone but sometimes this can be inconvenient LOL

(I’m totally fine with messaging here, but are you really ok with it? 'Cause if you’re not, we can try to work something else out!)

hi im luna and i wanna die.

HNNNNNNNNGH have i ever told you how much i hate school?  because i freaking hate school from the bottom of my heart i can’t feel my neck anymore from the amount of studying ive been doing that’s depressing.

anyway. heartfelt advice: do not fuck your stomach up in any way, because you will suffer if you do. take it from me, i’ve managed to develop this amazing thing called Gastritis and now i cant eat anything without getting the feeling that im gonna throw it back out which is absolutely wonderful. thankfully, i don’t throw up, but it’s freaking annoying and ive lost waay too much weight already. best part? the whole reason why i have it is apparently purely psychological,  too much stress. i got it in the middle of july. HOW my mom is also being INCREDIBLY helpful by basically telling me to ‘get over it’ like i can just snap my fingers and tell myself ‘oh yeah this is only in my head’ and it’ll all pass over. cause that’s how it works.  so is my sister by always laughing at me

oook moving on.

yep, school started and i am suffering. ive already gone through 4 tests and a bunch of oral quizzes. yay. thanks teachers for totally not putting horrible pressure on us from the start.  i stg, one of my most common thoughts these days is ‘see, this is exactly why i have a psychosomatic sickness.’ they’re sending my to a psychologist to see if i can let everything out and maybe get some advice on how to handle things better. i will laugh my ass off if i get diagnosed with a mental disorder. that’d be absolutely hilarious (I am in no way trying to make fun of people with a mental disorder, I’m just saying I honestly wouldn’t even be surprised if they said something like Burnout Syndrome or Depression (im not even joking when I say that I’ve been sleeping pretty much all afternoon + night these days, cry way too often, feel no motivation for anything, feel worthless, no apetite and also occasional suicidal thoughts which is oh so fun (ok but in my defence, the thoughts are really rare, probably caused by the fact that I feel nauseous like 90% of the time, and I would never ever do it, mostly because some people would miss me (I hope). there are moments when I go ‘wouldn’t it be easier to disappear?’ tho))

sorry about that rant

MOVING ON TO HAPPIER THEMES (and proper writing):

Yeah, Norway was truly gorgeous ^^ I don’t think I’ve ever felt more at peace than then. I fell asleep in the car at one point while watching the scenery outside, and it was one of the best sleeps in my life, despite being in the car. I’m glad you enjoyed them ^^ If you want, I can upload random pics like that every once in a whole.

Aaah, that’s pretty good reasoning! It makes a lot more sense now, thanks for explaining! 

Yeah, I kinda see why you’d ship it. Steve is a pretty understanding person and, like you said, would probably understand Loki the best ^^ Recommend me some fics and I might even start shipping it myself ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I LOVE T’CHALLA THANK YOU FOR ASKING YES.  I mean, he angery™, but also freaking cool! Not to mention crazily powerful *^* I’m pretty excited for his movie, cause more badassery from him!

Wow those sound like genuine memes. Seriously why can’t i draw XD

Also HIstory has its eyes on you but it’s actually Illumi will give me nightmares.

GODAMNIT I JUST WANT JUUZOU TO BE HAPPY IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?? (apparently yes)

Yep, since I have all the volumes, I like to flip through them sometimes and I’m blown away every time by the development.  I also cosplayed the main character a while ago, so it holds a high sentimental value to me. But it is a lot lighter than your usual reads, true...

Well, uh, it’s kinda hard to explain? I mean, DTK is obsessed with symmetry and will go to crazy lengths to preserve it, get mad if someone disturbs it, will jeopardise missions if he’s not sure if he left something perfectly symmetrically at home etc, but it’s not so much as a mental illness as it is a consequence of who he is (part of the Grim Reaper)? Like i said, it’s really had to explain.

Did you manage to find the fight scene?

My reaction to Death Note in general:  FUCK YOU LIGHT YAGAMI. oooh, I’ll search that manga up!

Well, I’m not so much upset about the whitewashing, more about the fact that I feel like the japanese general ideology plays a big role in why light decided to start killing bad people? Idk how to explain it... 

Oh, Japanese-American Kira would’ve been a really interesting thing to see!

Yay, at least you found some good things? Well, it’s nice that you managed that ^^

Damnit, so it didn’t go according to Keikaku! It’s all because they didn’t include the potato chip scene.

Uuh, i don’t exactly remember much of SU, but I guess I’m most similar to Pearl? I didn’t really sympathise with any characters that much tbh. As for gem. Uuuuuh *quickly googles gem meanings* ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.  I like Zircon because of the colour and alexandrite because it changes colour which is incredibly cool!

Your rambling always makes me feel better tbh. It gives me a looong message from a friend I appreciate incredibly much so, yeah, I always smile when I see a message from you (even though my replies are so slooooooooow)

Aaah, I see! That’s pretty interesting ^^ Quite different from our system.

Ah, shame, you would’ve liked the most recent route, there is so so so much suffering.

Yeah, I am 100% fine!! Don’t worry about it! The reason why I suggested something else is because on sites w an instant messaging system, my replies would probably be a lot quicker,

I AM IN LOVE WITH THE AESTETHICS, ESPECIALLY LIZZY, THAT IS GOALS

and the drawings are adorable ^^ Hide tho ;-;

[jsc23]

1x01- The Pilot

Alright, let’s jump right into episode 1x01. If you missed my intro, I’m re-watching all my favorite shows from the beginning starting with “The 100” because it has taken over my life currently (that finale though!). This will include spoilers from later seasons because thats the point! Going back and looking at shows once I know what’s coming. It’s going to be messy, it’s going to be freeform thoughts and hopefully, it’s going to be funny. Without further ado,

-First thought comes from me searching for it on netflix, why on earth is “The 100” not featured in the “TV shows featuring a strong female lead” section? #imjustsayin -not in tv action/adventure either…cool… -ok, now its just funny because guess where i found it- Tv Action & Adventure FEATURING a strong female lead…because, obvs. -mmkay here we go- am I the only one wondering where she got the chalk to draw in her cell? -“killed everyone on earth” except, ya know, the grounders,mount weather, the others…oh wait… -I also want to know where they are getting earrings in space? (side note- i have those earrings, they are from madewell:-) -WELLS (he was too pure for this world…) -I love how she’s like “well we are about to die but like i’m still very very angry with you!” -oh look, our girl Callie…legit what happened to her? and was she married to Kane? were they just dating??? were they just #platonicpals ?! WHAT WAS HER STORY? We may never know… -Upon re-watch Finn annoys me more than usual. What a dweeb. -SINCLAIR!!!! Uggg gone too soon Sinclair…gone too soon! -who in the hair department was like “yes lets make Bob Morley look ridiculous by slicking back his hair! this is an excellent idea we shall do this! (so glad they stopped that episode 2). -all the delinquents look like literal babies… -Clarke wandering around with a giant map like she's Ferdinand Magellan. -Clarke has no idea how lucky she is they dropped them on the wrong mountain! Shh Clarke, mount weather is for season 2… -uggg Shumway in there trying to look like a normal human and not a terrible person that just forced Bell to shoot the chancellor. -sidenote- JACKSON! -welcome back Magellan…like what is she even doing right now? where did she get a ruler?! -also Wells saying “where did you learn to draw a straight line? its not like you're somebody that draws a lot and should know how to draw an actual straight line…” -I forgot how much Murphy sucked season 1…like great job on the character development Murphy! -Bellamy and Octavia having a speech about trust is just very depressing when you think about their relationship season 3… -Dude, Clarke is not here for the earth right now…she’s #overit. -Jasper being Jasper and forgetting Octavia’s entire life story. -Ok, so like they show this funky two headed deer but then never went back to stuff like that again- hope they show some animals like that season 5. -the dr. has become the patient. #obligatorygreysanatomyreference -ugg shumway…also that mugshot though… -you’re telling me Murphy really didn’t know how to spell die?! like no…murphy is not that dumb…. -Bellamy “someones gotta help me run things” blake is not incorrect- somebody does..her name is Clarke Griffin, you’ll fall in love with her, then be split up, heads and hearts and all that 2,199 days and such…its all very dramatic… -Also the river monster thing- we never heard from it again? like what gives? -Bellamy convincing everybody to take their wristbands off is peak Bellamy…like he could convince a vegan to eat a hamburger… -poor Wells, he and Bell were never going to understand each other’s points of view because their experiences on the Ark were the most drastically different. It would have been interesting to see them develop if Wells had lived… -the original “whatever the hell we want” it brings tears to my eyes -I feel like all of Jackson’s lines are “Abby! “ and then a lot of words i have no idea what they mean. -dang it Kane…look how far Kabby has come… -Can we all just remember that Kane is the reason Clarke was arrested and charged?   -Kane saying “ I choose to make sure the human race stays alive no matter what the cost “ in 1x01 with no feelings and complete conviction and comparing it to him saying “this is how we save our people” at the end of 4x12 through tears is basically giving me chills. Marcus Kane has come such a long way and sometimes its easy to forget his journey but its been a great one… -putting Abby in Clarke’s cell…still savage after all these years…ya’ll aint got other cells to put her in?! #yallwrongforthat -the glowing forrest!! wish we had seen more of that in season 4… -also how funny would it have been if Ilian had just walked by with a sheep? like “hey  sorry, I'm in the wrong season but hello there!” -ugg Finn is terrible. He ruins the name Finn for me, and i LOVED that name… -who just uses the word “ bipedal” on a Tuesday?! -Callie begging Kane to show mercy just like he begs the grounders to show mercy later in the show. #irony -i love how in the pilot we are supposed to think Kane & Bellamy are the bad guys and Jaha and Finn are heroes when in reality its like nah dawg its the opposite. -I wish we got more of a backstory on Abby and Jackson, i imagine him being like her young protege following her around everywhere… -That 11th hour save though…#Jahainthebuilding -“see you on the other side” annnnnd I’m a puddle of tears #RIPJASPER -serious question-why do people need jackets on the ark?! wasn’t it climate controlled?! -when the spear hits Jasper and everybody collectively is like “dang its that kinda show?!!”

In summary, if you just watched the pilot you’d think “gee this is another CW show but this time its set in the apocalypse” I even remember thinking i liked “Starcrossed” (the other show that premiered that year) better…Which was dumb, that show was terrible. But its true what they say, this show gets better each episode. TOTALS: number of times i cried thinking about how a character in the pilot is dead now: 6…at least 6. number of characters that I loved the first time i watched it but now hate:1…Finn. I was young and impressionable the first time I watched this-I thought he was dreamy… all in all i give it a 4 wristbands out of 5 wristbands.

until next time, may we meet again, -JRWT

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

by all means, continue ranting about makoto. thank you. honestly, the bank arc really was honestly terrible and the second worst written, right after the okumura’s arc. you’d think it’d turn out that the mob boss was the one responsible for her father’s death, but nope. she literally has no reason to join the pt or even be there.

Np, if my salt can bring relief I shall keep bringing it. 8U

Her only reason is to....redeem herself I think? It’d be nice if the Kamo arc wasn’t just referred to as “what he did to Shiho” love the girl, but there were other victims too yo. ;w; Also funny how she’s like “I shall redeem myself! I shall force these high school kids who might be the PT, to change a mob bosses heart! Help/apologize to the Kamo victims? Nah! :D” All she really did was join our team and participate in battles (which isn’t mandatory, can get through the game without using her). Plans? Ha, soon as she joins we don’t even attempt to sneak the treasure out ever again. Let us in? Technically we can let ourselves in, the game is just....I dunno....dumb?  

If she just had a stronger connection to Kane, doesn’t even have to be her dad (and while maybe too obvious, works in hindsight....compared to what we got). Hell, she could’ve just taken her own initiative seeing her sister stressed about him too! 

As for Okumura and dungeons(under cut)

....I actually....I don’t hate that arc as much as most people. IT’S POORLY WRITTEN DON’T GET ME WRONG (and I def get why Oku is considered one of the worst, my priorities are a bit different maybe?)! Does Haru dirty like no other. But like he def deserves to be there, and what they have is good potential. It’s just a good ol’ flub fest. But I def rank his better than Mako/Futaba’s. Mako because just.....it’s so insulting and pointless and boring. Futaba because of the lore mess it creates (her shadow self.....her....gd.....shadow self.....orz), and I don’t like how they deal with mental illness by the end of it (or Futaba lying about how we stole her heart. What heart?????? There was no treasure we stole NOTHING!). I take a little flubbing over the game insulting the player and characters any day (seriously the fact Mako’s arc tries as far as to lie about characters, Anne didn’t know about Kamo! Because of mixed messages! She’s not the same as Mako who did know and didn’t care! They aren’t the same! Quit saying Anne not helping Shiho because she didn’t know is the same as that! ;w;) ANd then PQ2 lies both about Mako and Oku arcs asdklfjafj;fjkflj kill me. Oku’s gonna throttle Haru’s arc and not give us a coherent backstory till the last two secs AFTER we steal his treasure, just a big ol’ flub fest? Fine. Is it gonna be a poor message on mental illness (Futaba’s 3ish year depression was cured after a week of ~friends~!) or destroy the lore (both P5′s and Persona in general, Futaba dungeon) or character/arc assassination left and right (Mako dungeon)? Hell no. I’ll take the Big Ol’ Flub Fest for 500 Alex!

Tbh my rankings go....ah balls....I hate most of them....or they’re either really negative or the negatives outweigh the positives.....and my thoughts on Mada go down every time I play, but Shido is just so bland and so is yaldy.....Tbh Oku brings more to the table than them, but the writing isn’t very competent. But like......I wanna say Mada’s arc gets points for being competent, but he’s like competent to like......the dead roadkill that is most of the other dungeons (with him being the barely alive cicada that’s gonna die in 5 min)......geez I’mma have to do two ranks, one for story/plot/chars, the other for just design (how it looks/puzzles)

“Story”: Kane<Futaba<Shido/Yaldy(can’t decide which is worse)<Mada/Oku<Oku/Mada<Sae<Royal<Kamo

Design: Kane/Shido/Mada<<<<<Futaba<<Oku/Kamo/Yaldy<Sae<Royal

(fun fact: I typed Mako instead of Kane to rep the 3rd dungeon and I had to go back and correct......some of it. Was it just a mistake or my brain thinking she’s the real villain of the 3rd arc? 8U Jk it was a mistake, sometimes I call the arks by the villains names and sometimes by the char that joins....sans Kamo, but what if fdjasfklajf;j)

Design/puzzle wise, I just....find Kane/Shido/Mada’s boring as all hell. Slog to get through (Mada just hurts my eyes tbh). Futaba’s bad too, it’s just ranked higher cause I like egyptian stuff but it’s as lively as the dead bodies tombs hold. Oku/Kamo/Yaldy tie because....they have something I like but don’t blow me away but I don’t mind going through the dungeon cause there’s something I like. Kamo I just like the atmosphere only downside is no puzzels, Yaldy I like the atmosphere (well more the Mementos part tbh than the city part, probably cause it reminds me of Izanami kfdsljafaj;f) and the one puzzle (fav puzzle in the game, wish there were more). Oku hurts my eyes tbh and is a bit of a slog, but I like the airlock puzzle A LOT, I know other’s don’t but it’s one of the few good puzzles ok? ;w; Sae it’s pure atmosphere, love the casino vibe and music. Royal is the same, atmosphere and music, but I also like the puzzle (not as much as Yaldy’s or Oku but I still like it a lot). 

Story wise.....yeah.... I already quickly talked about Kane/Futaba. Shido and Yaldy I don’t hold in a very high regard (Shido as a concept is neat but execution is boring as sin....haha sin......), Yaldy is just a knock off Nyarly trying to be a knock off Izanami (you can’t be both Yaldy, you have to choose one! They are too different! Tbh you’re worse than Kagu, at least Kagu was just trying to be Nyarly! You’re ripping off two antagonists instead of one!). Mada/Oku flip flop. Oku is......a freaking mess, but I do find him very interesting, they did him and Haru so dirty (but the potential is there). Mada I feel like he’s a discount Kamo, and they don’t go as far and they focus too much on Yusuke rather than all the other victims (I hate he let his mom die, not cause it’s a horrible thing, but it felt unnecessary like they were marking a box off as if he already wasn’t bad enough). I feel like the game tries to make us forgive this guy more than Oku tho, and they don’t do a good enough job exploring a lot of these complex emotions (esp during the arc) for it to really work (on me at least). But yeah fun fact, Yusuke def didn’t need to join like Mako, game’s devs kinda shot themselves in the foot for both. Didn’t need Mako to get through the door (since we had also become Kane’s “guests”), don’t need Yusuke cause we can get through the door (via a window, via walking AROUND the electric fence) and thus no need for shenanigans. Sae has similar issues as Mada’s in terms of devs lack of noticing the surroundings they made and how we can get around them, also writing issues but not as bad as Mada (not great tho but eh). Royal’s has A LOT of great ideas which I love....there are issues tho (I need to refresh/reevaluate them). I think my thoughts on the dungeon when I played the JPN ver was “this is wasted on P5.” Kamo I just think is solid, and that’s a lot for P5......with it’s shaky ass foundation, Kamo was the damn pillar holding it together (not really akslfdjafj;). 

[jaxxonpollux]

notes for vivien during her leave of absence

i’m writing this mostly to talk myself down from going crazy. i don’t know what my problem is. you’d think i’d be able to handle a girl being gone for a week; and i mean, i definitely COULD, if you had said something like “hey, i’m going on a yoga retreat for a month, toodles,” not just disappeared. it’s the unknown that makes me feel nuts, like the possibilities that just bore into my head. i’ve written a mental list like a million times wondering what could have happened, trying to figure out the most likely possibility. we talked about trump. you went to do laundry. then nothing. and i definitely have a void, and i keep feeling like i should do something. write a letter. hop on a plane. call you at various times of the day (maybe you dropped your phone into the couch and just can’t find it?). 

at the same time, i do recognize how pathetic it is. it’s like, symptoms of a guy just after being dumped. sending constant affectionate support messages and all that, whiny messages. “miss you, sending my prayers! sending good energy! hope all is well” i honestly hate being that way, even if the feeling is genuine. i want to be more stoic, aloof, nonchalant, casual, not fretting and biting my nails and whining and moping and all that. maybe they’re just thoughts i should keep to myself. maybe there are a lot of things i do and say i should just keep inside. i don’t think they’re very flattering. they’re all things i wish people would do and say for me, i think, which is why i do them, kind of like a “treat others the way you’d like to be treated” mentality. it really is sorta gross. i just need to be affectionate in more subtle ways. here i am again, stuck in my own head.

i do hope you’re okay. and i hope you realize i’ll understand no matter what’s going on. even if it’s a situation that like, sucks for me, like you got back together with b or something. which is something i half expect a lot of the time anyway, even though i really don’t quite know how the two of you get along, what the story really is. i’m just always ready for it. in any case, i’m still fine with being a platonic friend, i mean, we do really get along, you have to admit that. even if we’re not meant to be together. “meant to be.” another strange term for a strange thought. i know i was thinking about stuff like that a lot before you were gone, whether or not you liked me the way i liked you. always this fear of my affection being reciprocated. or like it rapidly started to wane after i came back from miami. i don’t know.

the same thing happened with ainsley, my disney channel girlfriend? i went to see her in plano, we were stuck in bed with each other all day every day. we’d go to the museum and she’d just want to go back home and lie in bed together again. we’d go to a movie, i’d feel a little sick, and we’d leave early, go back home and lie in bed (i think the movie was the grudge 2. didn’t miss it). and we’d be in bed all day under her parents watchful eyes, it was a little embarrassing really! but i remember she had her head in my lap in the backseat when her mom was driving me back to the airport, when i was leaving. i had her listen to mad rush, by philip glass on my ipod, she nearly fell asleep. it was appropriately sad, and sweet. it was a real Boyfriend and Girlfriend thing to do. it felt like the type of scene that belonged in a normal long distance relationship, the longing creeping in just as the good part came to end. always in contact with each other, feeling as much of each other as possible while we could, so we could save the feeling until the next time.

she broke up with me about a week or two after i got back to ohio. and it makes you really reflect back on everything with like, extreme paranoia. like if she was thinking about it the entire time you were together, or if she was just putting it off and ignoring it. was she thinking about it when we had sex in the shower? was she thinking about it when she was showing me old acting videos she did as a younger teenager? at the movies? at the museum? maybe staying in bed all that time, spending all the time together that we did, the closeness, maybe it was just her saying goodbye. and that’s the kind of thing that drags around behind you for years, not the breakup. all the wonderings and questions without answers. it’s probably why i still think about her, even ten years later. just in reflection, not in a pining tortured way. but wondering what it meant for me, how it shaped me, what it really meant. another one of those “mysteries of life,” or something.

i felt like coming to miami was the beginning of something. but maybe it was the end. shows how intuitive i actually am, huh? pisces boy, head in the clouds. sweaterboy, always trying to please, never thinking of himself. at the very least, that memory of staying with you in that hotel room is gonna be with me for a long time, no matter if it was the beginning or the end. even if you decided you’re done with me, even if you’re with b again, even if you’re locked up in an insane asylum, even if your head got lopped off, even if you’re an alien and had to go back to your home planet, that weekend meant a lot to me. i don’t know how many weekends you’ve had like that with other people, probably loads, but it was special for me. and i’m gonna be in my deathbed looking at my palms, trying to remember what you told me about my lifeline being so long, or my love line disappearing into nothing.

anyway, what else should i write for you? i had to go to work in about an hour, so i have at least another hour of writing, huh. we’re getting all that focaccia ready for trump tomorrow. we also have a small plate up for about 370 people, and i have to make my “famous” giant lavash crackers for the trump thing too. apparently they split up the culinary folks into two different teams for the trump thing, since we’re all gonna be trapped in the battelle ballroom all day to prepare for it. i’m on the team headed by “chef frank,” who has been described to me as our “corporate chef,” i.e. the boss of my boss. visiting to be in the presence of the president. he’s a very judgmental, pig-headed italian man, but luckily i have an agreeable personality and kiss his ass enough that he doesn’t bother me. my coworker, however, ambyr, goes ballistic whenever she hears he’s in the building. ambyr is like one of those millenial names we were making fun of, isn’t it? jaxxon. madeighsonne. anyway, it’ll be a hell of a day on friday.

--

i finished all of mad men too. i was SO happy pete and trudy got back together, honestly just happy for trudy. i have a crush on trudy, especially late-game trudy. don’t judge me. and pete was honestly still pretty weird and pathetic, i wouldn’t have gone for it if i was her but EH. pete was doing ok with that real estate girl but he kinda botched it by being a workaholic, she had a short attention span it seemed.

what else? glen and betty was creepy and semi-sweet at the same time, as usual, with him all like “YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN MY BITCH >:)” and betty like “:) no no :)” like not really that aggressive and probably totally down for it under different circumstances. anyway, i’m sure glen died at war, and poor sally! just got dumpstered on, that was the real shame. betty just fading off into cancer town. bobby never got to grow up. harry never got to have any character development either, just stayed terrible. ken kind of turned bitter? with his eyepatch, that reminded me of you too.

and then ol’ don. kind of upset that stephanie didn’t stick around and have a whole litter of his babies or whatever, and i was half expecting don to be swept back into that traveling bohemian millionaire genius group again. instead he ended up at a hippie retreat. was the implication that don wrote that hippie coke ad? for crummy mcann? i was kind of expecting him to die tbh. shrug, well good for him, i guess. bert ghost was sorta odd, i didn’t realize don even gave a shit about bert.

and joan had a sad ending too!! oh UGH i was SOOO upset when they introduced her old man “boyfriend” like in the last few episodes, i knew it as soon as i saw him. like oh great, here comes the last minute savior for joan right at the very end of the show, what a stupid cop out. glad he was muscled out at the last second by joan’s massive business dong. she has bigger fish to fry! and then she goes and asks preggy to be a partner with her, and preggy goes and says NAH at the very end. i was like, so what the hell happened to joan then? hopefully she just got to be a millionaire the rest of her life and moved to paris or something.

preggy and what’s his face romance was sort of contrived. and a long time coming. like good for you guys, eye roll, you young idiots. who else? i guess that was everyone important. oh, yeah, roger shacked up with megan’s mom, i don’t blame him, she was pretty hot. i love a bitchy woman. roger’s daughter kinda depressed me, on that stupid hedonism hippie commune. whatever. and yeah, megan became washed up just like you said. she basically like never even acted at all when she moved out the california, that whole thing was a huge mistake.

i guess that’s all for now! mad men wise. i’m at a loss for what to watch next. i think there was some show i told myself i was gonna have YOU watch, but i can’t remember what it was now. it might’ve been something you’ve already seen.

--

i do hope i hear from you again soon, and i’m not still writing stupid posts like this a month from now. but we’ll see. i really miss talking to you. if i don’t hear from you before the weekend, i think i might just keep your birthday present here with me, for fear of it getting lost out in the world. i don’t even know if you’re in miami right now. but there’s a lot of sentimental stuff in this box, and i’m putting a lot of effort into it, because like, the plan was for you to have an ENJOYABLE birthday for a change, right? like, i thought maybe i’d order you some wine and we could watch a move over the phone and just have a regular date night, not even think about birthday stuff. and you’d just have this big box of random little surprises that i’d have spoiled you with. and it would just be nice and not a headache.

i think you’ll be 31? sorry if the number makes you cringe. honestly the attitude you have towards aging really makes no sense to me. it must be a woman thing. like, i understand feeling like you’re not fulfilling your goals on a healthy timeline, but i feel that like, every ducking day, and i don’t think that’s what bothers you. i think you just don’t wanna feel and look old right?

i’ve said it a million times, but you’re so beautiful to me, and you will still be beautiful at 31. or 35, or 45, or 99. you have all these wonderful features right now that are so attractive, your big blue eyes, your tiny blushing nose, your incredible nefertiti neck, your scrappy scarecrow straw hair. your legs and thighs are so soft and luscious and warm, your butt is full and round and really cute, you’ve got bones that point and poke out at the shoulders and elbows and things that remind me how small your upper body is. your voice is still my favorite ever. and when you get older, you’re gonna still have a lot of these things, you know? they might be different, but they’ll still be beautiful and wonderful and You, and you’ll have brand NEW features too that’ll be just as endearing. i always think of like, creepy old men staring at old women licking their lips like “mm-mm she’s a looker,” and wondering, wow, i guess an old man’s tastes really change as he grows older too. or like, they just appreciate things more, or they know what beauty looks like even when it gets kinda wrinkly and gray.

plus, knowing you, you’re gonna keep things up as high as possible for a very long time. you’re not just gonna attract older men, you’ll have like, college guys trying to climb up and mount you when you’re 60 years old. you’re gonna have the air of like, a whorehouse madam, no longer in the game but still incredibly sexy and intelligent, with every single trick still up her sleeve and too much dignity to ever use them except in extreme circumstances. smarter than any man you’ve ever encountered, and always ready to swing the dagger. you’re going to be different flavors of beautiful every decade that passes by, and i never want you to feel like getting older is a detriment. biological clock bothering you? uh i’ll come knock you up right now if that’s an issue, i’m down for it

maybe things get out of hand at 6am, i’ve been up all night. gotta get ready for work in about 20-25 minutes. please be safe, please come back. i promise not to wait forever, but you’ll always be a part of me now.

[hellosarahjay-blog]

the beginning

When I was 26, I knew happiness. 

I could see the world and life so clearly. It was simple to explain. Anyone challenging my inner peace was unsuccessful. I could not be fazed. 

When my friend and mentor died, I didn’t cry. I knew it was a sad event but death is simply a part of life and should be accepted. 

When my best friend moved to another state, I didn’t cry as she hugged me the last time in our FL apartment. I knew we would continue to communicate and travel to see each other. 

I didn’t feel much sadness when I gave away all of my belongings, sold my car, and said goodbye to everything and everyone I knew to volunteer for the Peace Corps for two years. Life was handing me adventures and I was taking them! 

When the chemicals in my brain stabilized, and the Prozac I was taking for 3 months didn’t make me act like a fucking robot, reality slapped me in the face. 

The anxiety came back, the depression came back, the self doubt was there again, making me question every life decision I made and every sentence I chose to speak out loud. Why hasn’t R called me back? Has everyone in the US forgotten about me? Are they better off? I can’t believe K had a baby while I was gone. Do all my co-volunteers hate me? Why did I say that in training today? What a fucking embarrassment. Granted, I wasn’t crying most nights and I was showering regularly. It was nice not wishing my life would just end already. But how could I get back to that place of immovable calm? I read through my journal and rewrote the keys to my happiness over and over. They were just words at that point. 

I got my first prescription for antidepressants and official diagnosis for major depressive disorder the week after I was crying incessantly in my roommates bed because being alive was too much work. No matter how many she people she listed that loved me, all the work and education I have been able to accomplish, how fun and loving I was to others, to myself, I was a pile of garbage that should be set on fire so that I didn’t stink up the rest of the house. Blood in the bathtub is what I always imagined, however. 

Thank god for that night. I am grateful she pleaded with me to call for help. I got the meds, but it took a bad mushroom trip for me to realize I was ruining my life by wallowing. Its scary to change your ways and pick yourself up out of depression, but tripping on shrooms while depressed is even scarier. Started taking the dam things at a music festival. 

I loved the robot feeling I was experiencing. I thought I was healed. My Dr. said it would take about a month for my friends to notice a change. And they will notice before I do. But nah. I was feeling goooodddd. Looking back, it was prob too much too soon but I was not complaining! My roommates dad heard about my new Dr. 

-Hey Sarah, I heard you’re depressed. I’m sorry to hear that. I didn’t know. 

-Its ok, 

-Well, why are you depressed?

-????

I had no idea what the answer was. But I shared some childhood stories, lifelong fears, and just terrible things about my life in general. He had been in Gambler’s Anonymous for 12? years or so years at that point. His advice and perspective stemmed from their program (It works if you work it!) and of course his age provided some amazing wisdom. After our 2 hour impromptu therapy session, I got up off the couch finally understanding forgiveness. I felt so light. I knew happiness for the first time in my entire life. So many years of anger and hatred had been lifted. In my journal, I made a list of what I had just learned that fixed my brain. 

In the three months of awesomeness, I resolved that my purpose in life was to share that incredible feeling. To teach forgiveness and self-love. I couldn’t contain it. It would be wrong.  

Now, I’m back to feeling actual feelings. Even though I am not at complete peace the way I was 2 years ago, I still want to share what I know. Not to be inspirational or life changing (oh god, the pressure) but to, at the very least, be relatable. Writing in my mostly empty notebooks or pages I crumple up and throw away on planes with my little plastic cups aren’t much different. This is at least a record, even if no one but me reads this. BUT, if someone happens to stumble across my blog, and just so happens to be in that little window that your antidepressant allows you to be receptive to someone else’s words, mine will be here. 

No promises. I don’t know what this will look like. But here you go. This is the beginning of a series of things.