#okay I'm entering the discourse I'm sorry

[mhsdatgo]

The Helaemonds/Helaegons need to calm down.

Don't get me wrong, it's always refreshing to see some people fill in the gaps of a basically untold relationship such as the one between the green kids in general, but this goes beyond basic obsessive shippy discourse. Leave this poor girl alone. Why's there an obsession with having her be romantically paired with her brothers, one worse than the other?

I understand the show has basically shown so little of her to the point where we didn’t even have a coronation for her on screen, so therefore you can self insert through her and have fun with headcanons regarding Aegon and Aemond. Really, I'm not faulting their girlies, you can be head over heels for whatever actor in character you want (unless you put them on pedestals and start acting like they did nothing wrong and pounce on whoever contests them, THEN we have a problem) but I assure you, Helaena would barely want anything to do with either of them.

Aegon is a sex pest turned sex offender, a drunkard and a neglectful father and husband at best. Her infamous toast in ep.8 has us believing that he cannot for the life of him interact with her unless he's horny drunk or that he forces himself on her at worst.* He was ready to leave them all in ep.9 before he was caught. Even the book is subtle about their relationship: all we know of them is that they sleep in shared chambers, that she was someone important and reliable in Aegon's council before B&C, and that he named her and Alicent the true Queens of his reign.

*(⚠️TW: PERSONAL OPINION⚠️ I'm not saying this last one isn't a possibility but it's sill outrageous for the way people speak about Helaena in defence of this "claim". No, she wouldn't joke about her own r*pe in front of the whole table full of people she doesn't know and right beside her abuser, and despite the hour-long metas I've read about how she's basically "too sheltered" to know what r*pe even means, I assure you she's a high-functioning autistic, not 5 years old. She can understand it perfectly.)

Helaemond is a pure show invention, I honestly wasn't expecting this many people to go up this kind of train. They barely interact, and most of the time it's Aemond saying he'd "perform his duty" should Helaena ever be wed to him, or that stare in ep.9 when he enters her chambers toiling after Alicent. It's, as always, the Aemond girlies who think poor Helaena would live her best life with Aemond, or that they are already romantically involved behind the scenes. The amount of "if one possesses a thing, the other will take it away" edits from people that are FULLY CONVINCED "the thing" is Helaena and that "the one" and "the other" are Aemond and Aegon respectively is honestly concerning.

Fics that are all about Aegon doing the worst and unspeakable things to her so "Aemond can come and save her" are y'all okay? Out of all people, HE has to save her?

Babes, I'm sorry to break your bubble, but this isn't Aegon IV/Naerys/Aemon on steroids. Aemond didn't give two shits about Helaena. No, he wasn't jealous when Jace came to ask her to dance, he just wanted to stir some shit. If we talk about the books, he didn't fucking hesitate to leave King's Landing, his sister, his mother and whatever he was doing for the Riverlands the second he heard that Daemon was there. And he brought the only means of defence they had with him. If he knew how important Vhagar was for the city's defence, he's evil, if he didn't realize it, he's dumb as fuck. Which one is it, Aemond girlies?

People beat each other to the curb about Jaehaerys, Jaehaera and Maelor's paternity like it's the Wars of The Roses. They put Helaena and Alys against the other like they have personal beef with one of them.

Stop mentioning this sweetheart only when it's about praising or hating one of her brothers. No, it's not the only option you have because she's underdeveloped as a character. There's actually another one.

LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE.

[r6shippingdelivery]

There’s been a lot of talk about AO3 and censorship lately, due to one of the candidates to the OTW board. And I realised I have very strong Opinions:tm: about censorship and the freedom AO3 stands for.

Censorship is not a solution. It doesn’t work and it’s not even easily agreed upon where the line should be drawn. What some people might deem as immoral or reprehensible is not the same others will consider so. For example, you and me can agree that sexual stories about minors turn our stomach, yet other people would also include LGBT+ content there, even the sfw ones, and others might decide that any sexual content at all is immoral. So, how do we agree about what to ban, when nothing of it is even illegal?

because let’s be honest, it’s all fiction. As in, not real. Things like incest, rape and pedophilia are illegal irl, but not in fiction. Cause they’re not harming anyone. Really. You can find it disgusting, I certainly do, but I also recognize no person, no actual human, is harmed in the making of those stories. Because they’re made up and about made up characters. I won’t seek it out, and if I see someone making that kind of content I will most probably avoid them/block them (without harassing them), but they have the right to create any kind of fiction they want.

It always baffles me how readily understood that is when it comes to murder and violence in fiction. Nobody thinks that someone who writers murder mysteries or procedural shows really wants to go out and kill people. However, as soon as it’s about sex, people are up in arms ready to believe that those make believe scenarios are an indicative of someone’s real desires. Why is that? And since we’re on the topic of double standards: why are people clutching their pearls about fanfic, but literature gets a free pass, more or less? You go into a library and you’ll find lots of books with shocking and distasteful topics, including those that contain pedophilic content (like Lolita, to put a famous example), incest (Game of Thrones, among many others), rape, murder, etc. But they want me to believe that fanfic, the medium with severely impaired social acceptance and magnitudes smaller reach, is the actual problem that will “normalize” those ideas? Nah fam, I smell a moral panic, and people finding fanfic writers easier to bully into submission. Because this is all about controlling what forms of creative expression are deemed acceptable. Fanfic IS a form of art, popular art if you will, but still art. And by virtue of how AO3 is designed, it’s ridiculously easy to never see the kind of stories that you find objectionable.

Tags are a wonderful thing. I can specify what I want and what I don’t want in my story results when searching! Tags are the author being responsible and giving due warning. Especially the “dead dove: do not eat” tag, it lets you know that the content of the story will have questionable content, proceed at your own risk or keep scrolling. Same as the “chose to not use archive warnings” that one is a warning in itself that the story might contain triggering/upsetting content, and it’s the prerogative of each reader to decide whether they’re comfortable continuing reading or not. Ultimately, it’s all about taking responsibility for one’s decisions. People who are in favor of censorship in AO3 either don’t know how to control and curate what materials they access, or feel entitled to everyone else taking their morals into account instead of taking responsibility for their own experience in the archive.

None of the stories on AO3 is illegal. Fictional stories are not illegal, not even those dealing with unsavory topics. The archive makes people agree to continue reading whenever you click on a story with a certain rating (or without any rating at all, just in case!), so the reader is giving their consent to continue reading, they’re making an informed choice. Same as with the tags. They’re there, they’re a warning. If someone reads the tags, finds them displeasing and still continues reading, that’s on them. If I find a story with tags about rape/non-con, for example, I keep scrolling. Cause I know I will find the story displeasing and upsetting. The people clutching their pearls and going “but think of the children!” are, mostly, people who refuse that responsibility and ask the world to accommodate them and their morality. And then throw around words like pedohilia and accusations of “kiddie porn” careleslly, watering down the seriousness of such accusations. No, an explicit fanfic of twin, underage siblings going at it is not CSA. Cause there’s no real children involved in it. It might be disgusting for a lot of people (me included), understandably, but you can 100% avoid reading it and interacting with the people who write those. 

Finally, let’s not forget the recent history of fandom spaces, shall we? LiveJournal and Fanfiction.net both had purges of content, after some campaigns for censorship gained traction and popularity. So now everything relating to certain topics is eliminated! Well, except that also includes communities of support for survivors of sexual abuse (it happened in LJ). Well, except that the people pressuring for censorship weren’t happy with the gay smut either, so a lot of LGBT related stuff is now also gone! (happened both in LJ and ff.net). Except, in some countries anything sexual at all, is frowned upon, so why not ban that too? Censorship supporters will always move the goalposts, forever shifting their aim whenever they accomplish something. Because it’s easier and more comfortable to make others conform to their standards than accepting some artistic expressions will be uncomfortable to some people. And trust me, none of them will care if the dark fic in question was written by a survivor of similar experiences trying to cope with their trauma or raise awareness, or if it was done simply for titillation or to safely explore different scenarios in fiction. And the topics that were banned in those websites didn’t disappear at all, they just weren’t properly warned for/detailed in the summaries, so anyone could stumblre upon them by accident. The complete opposite of what happens in AO3.

AO3 was created by people who lived through those censorship events in different fandom spaces, as a response to it. To seeing whole communities and swathes of fan content being unceremoniously deleted overnight. AO3 is an archive and an online library, not a social media platform. It’s a safe haven for anyone to host their fan creations, but that doesn’t mean it’s a safe space as people understand the term in other platforms. In AO3 you make your safe space by using the tags. Because that is the only real way we can have a safe haven for EVERYONE. 

The thing about freedom of speech is that sometimes, you have to defend things you dislike (that, I repeat, are legal in this case), because experience has shown time and time again that as soon as you give an inch to the censors, they take more and more. And today they’re up in arms about “pedophilic fanfics”, but once that is done? It might be all nsfw content, it might be trans related content, it might be something else. But it will happen. 

[sjmgirlie]

I’m sorry. I try not to be rude about people’s ships because well you have fun with what you like and I’m totally okay with that. But the discourse about the Blood Rite and Hybern camp is hilarious.

Of course Cassian was freaking out knowing his mate was in the BR. A completely normal reaction when you have strong feelings/a bond with someone. Did Azriel? No. Was he still furious at the mention that the women he is training are in harms way? Of course??? Contrary to popular believe, Azriel actually exhibits way more protectiveness over the females in his life than any other character in ACOTAR:

Mor - Eris calls her a slut and he literally almost chokes him to death. Always protective of her in Court of Nightmares and around Eris.

Feyre - be careful how you speak about my High Lady. Helps her with flying and other moments.

Nesta - He brought her back from the mask and comforted her in CC3. Was never mean to her in any of the books even when the rest of IC was.

Elain - Hybern, when everyone (including her sisters and mate) thought she was crazy. There’s more.

His mother - Nesta makes a comment about how Az probably has a bad mom and he gets mad.

These are off the top of my head.

I feel like people forget that Az… does not like Illyrians. He literally said in ACOFAS:

“A pointless week of bloodshed” pg 25

“The Illyrians are pieces of shit” pg 67

If it truly came down to it, I’m sure that Azriel would at least argue to break their rules. Just like Cassian did. But Cassian still cares about the Illyrians. Azriel really doesn’t.

The involvement of Nesta and Gwyn is the Blood Rite is not as significant as Emerie’s!!!!!! Emerie is an Illyrian woman. She is the ONLY Illyrian woman to ever win the Rite. THAT is the biggest plot point of the event. Yes, Gwyn and Nesta participating builds on their healing journeys and the Valkyrie, but Emerie winning the Rite initiates what SJM laid out in ACOFAS. Where Cassian and Emerie first met. The layout for a change in Illyrians and the Illyrian women actually training as warriors.

If anyone is going to “fix” the Illyrians, it will be Emerie. Not Gwyn or Nesta. Emerie, the ILLYRIAN women. And Cassian would be who helps potentially. Because he actually cares about the Illyrians regardless of his history. He is the General. Of course he cares.

Now in terms of the rescue of Elain in Hybern, as many have already said, this was a massive risk. Cassian said "We'll get her back", but moved to comfort Nesta. Not only did Az actually notice Elain wasn’t there, but he also specifically said “I'M getting her back” twice (with rage if I might add) even after Nesta specifically said “then you will die”. Az, Feyre and Elain could have died in this rescue attempt too.

What was the point of this kidnapping if not to show he saves her? Tamlin redemption for giving Feyre the wind to fly? Jurian helping Feyre enter the camp? For Feyre to fly? Like maybe but the biggest point was Azriel going to save Elain. Tbh we kind of needed Feyre there to narrate lol. “You came for me” which Feyre says is what she saw in her dream of what the cauldron even lured Elain in by. That Grayson had come for her. He didn’t, it was Azriel.

Do I think if there weren’t the rules for the Rite that Cassian and Azriel would have went to save them? Of course they would have. But they weren’t meant to rescue them.

This was the big moment in all of the healing journeys for the Valkryie. For Emerie, becoming the first Illyrian women to win it. For Gwyn, leaving the library and becoming a true warrior. For Nesta, holding the line and protecting the people she loves like she hasn’t been able to before. THAT is the purpose of the Blood Rite. Not determining if there’s some couples involved. We already know the couple involved. It’s Nessian.

We seriously need to stop diminishing massive moments in the female characters journeys to ships.

[hopefultacobread]

Here's Another Asulili Withdrawal-Induced Brainfart

Asuka is strong; even the Princess sometimes calls her a brute when she goes overboard during training. Her athletic features are thanks to the Kazama genes.

But that doesn't mean she'll carry bags upon bags of general merchandise if she has other options, especially if she can ask for help (aka Lili). This store sale is just too good to pass up.

"Hey Princess, can you help me shop tomorrow? Some items are 50% off, " Asuka asked as she entered their shared room, wiping her wet hair straight from the shower.

Lili paused the video she was watching, looked up at her rival, and teasingly asked, "Are you asking for a date?"

"Is that your idea of a date?"

"Do you have better ideas then?"

"Y'know, like a picnic on the riverbank or beating up some thugs, or—wait, that's not the point!"

Lili chuckled lightly, secretly taking notes in the back of her mind. "Of course, if my rival is so desperate for my assistance, how could I possibly refuse?"

She winked at the bewildered brown-headed girl before resuming her original task. Asuka's veins started twitching visibly under her temple. In an attempt to shoo these annoyances away, she redirected the topic to the weird bird dance video that Lili had been watching.

"What's that thing that you're watching anyway?" Asuka leaned closer to watch the spectacle on the monitor.

"Courtship display. We have an assignment for this topic." Lili answered while writing notes.

The floaty movement of the bird-mating dance looks familiar. Something about its fast-paced, tippy-toe movement seems to have struck a memory in her mind, but she can't reach it. (ahem, Tekken 7 Ending).

"I swear I've seen this before, but I just can't remember where." Asuka reached for her chin and started tapping her cheeks.

Wanting to change the topic of discourse, Lili answered, "Some birds click their beaks once as a friendly greeting."

"I guess I should snap at you as a friendly greeting from now on, so you won't start a fight randomly," Asuka said mindlessly. Of course, it doesn't have another meaning, but Lili's mind raced to that moment when she lost to Asuka in the last Iron Fist Tournament.

(Do you think of me as a bird?)

But that was immediately replaced with a sigh of relief when Asuka went to the bed, hugged down a pillow, and asked, "What do people in Monaco do as a friendly greeting?"

"Kisses on the cheeks is a friendly gesture in an informal setting. "

"Imagine being at a party," Asuka answered.

"You simply can't punch someone as a greeting, dear Asuka." The brown-haired girl let it slide, in part because her eyes were getting heavy. With a yawn, Asuka said a small goodnight and fell asleep.

*********

Everything that could go wrong went wrong for Asuka the next day. Their archery practice was moved from tomorrow to today. She needed to help her classmates with a project. And so on. She was late, and the Princess didn't look friendly when they finally met after school.

"Well, this is hardly punctual. I'm not accustomed to being kept waiting for such an extended period." Lili greeted sharply.

(Oh no, she's speaking alien again. She's maaaad.) Asuka's thought.

"Yeah, sorry. I had a lot of things to do before I could go out," Kazama shakily answered. She still needs Lili's help; it's not the time for the usual sarcastic answers.

(Okay, I need to be friendly... Yeah... How do you appear friendly again the Monaco way?)

"I know we started on the wrong foot. But as your rival, I expected as much that you respect my ti-"

She was interrupted when Asuka suddenly kissed her on the cheeks. With her eyes narrowed, her cheeks heating, and her brain breaking, she looked at her rival, who, for some reason, seemed more dumbfounded by her actions than she was.

"Ah, uhm, sorry. I just remembered what you said last night, like, if I want to be friendly." Asuka stuttered. She doesn't want to argue with someone lending help her way.

Ah, that's it. Lili has grown to know Asuka well within six months of being roommates. That's why she's sure about it; this airhead acted first and did the thinking afterward.

Lili tried to compose herself but failed to hide the lingering smile in her mouth. "Well, if you want to be friendly again, I don't mind. Just don't be late next time. Now let's go, the shop's about to close." The Princess took the lead with a noticeably new spring in her steps.

"Like I'd do that again, ya idiot!" Asuka followed, cursing herself for being an "action-first, think second" kind of dumbass. Needless to say, Lili's mood was great throughout the entire day, and Asuka was not complaining.

***********

I got inspired by the art below from princessxpauper (her account was deactivated, sadge). The facial expression is not accurate to the story, but it was close enough. Just imagine Asuka being flustered instead of mischievous.

[bookscandlesnbts]

Hi! I have just see Jk tracklist and I wanted to share my op -

First: I don't understand why, only because I like Jk as an artist and person, I have to accept blindly every single thing he does. I have my ideas and morals and I apply them consistently. I like seven, I don't like 3D. I am not a prude, simply I find that 3D it's explicit in a dirty way. For example.

So:

• I don't have problems with not writing your lyrics but I'm a little disappointed that in his first album there isn't even 1 or 2 Jk credits. Yes he surely approved and choose carefully but it's not the same thing to really write them, we can't read the lyrics and be like "that's what he think" because we can't be sure that he specifically approved that phrase that we are "analyzing". Meybe that was the only phrase that he doesn't like lol.

• I know he is working hard and I respect him for that, I'm just sorry he is working at something that is not what in my op a lot of fan were expecting

• I think that all those songs will be more the 'no deep meaning' songs, again, nothing wrong with it. But when you are the frontman of a band famous for the deep meaning of their songs people have expectations. So for me the problem is that I and other fans wish to have from bts members the meanings, the ideas, the relatable lyrics, the personal style not songs given by random people. So I personally understand who is disappointed and find it valid.

Still I respect his work.

• note: tae doesn't wrote his lyrics too, but in his case Idk if he received the songs or if the songs were made for him, that is a little big difference.

Let me know if you know and what you think! Ty ♡

Hi anon. Ah, it seems as if you have entered today’s realm of stan culture where you are an anti unless you like every single thing an artist puts out and every single thing they do. That applies to all artists with huge fanbases not only limited to kpop. I’m talking Taylor Swift all other artists fans are moving the same way these days. There is no room for healthy discourse. You are either in or out. I also didn’t like 3D and I still don’t. Do I think that Jungkook knew the sexual innuendos in English that all the y/ns projected onto him? Hell no 🤣 tbh I didn’t know what “champagne confetti” was either and I wish I still didn’t know.

I’m a little disappointed too, but also not really and not surprised. We know Jungkook was having some sort of writers block/burn out around the time FACE was happening and some time after when Jimin was still busy. If it took 10 months to produce Jimin’s album and JK hadn’t even started working in March, then there was no way that he had anything to bring to the table for his album. I really wonder if they were all contractually obligated to release an album (except Jin) before MS. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did, and that would also explain the involvement of western producers and 🛴 grubby hands in everything.

I agree that we can’t project a bunch of deep meanings into these songs considering they were given to JK. Yes, he probably picked through his options, but it’s comparing apples and oranges when his other option would have been songs he personally wrote. And no, not every song written by someone is about their personal life, but songs not written by the artist definitely are not either.

I’m not fully convinced that JK wants to be working this hard tbh. He loves being on stage, but with some of his latest performances, his energy is different. I don’t know how to explain it, but those that can see it, see it.

I understand the disappointment, I do. But to be fair, the rap line have always been the brains behind BTS songs. Not Jungkook. Jungkook has written some great meaningful songs like Magic Shop but the majority have been by RM, Suga, and Hobi. So I am okay with departing that identity from BTS and JK as a solo artist.

True that Tae didn’t write his songs either but that didn’t seem to ruffle as many feathers. I think the fandom has always put a huge weight on Jungkook’s shoulders to be that “golden” maknae that the title has been bestowed on him. He supposed to be able to do it all and do it perfectly in the fandom’s eyes, in kpoppies eyes, in his country’s eyes. I’m glad he is letting some of that pressure go even if this is not the direction that I wanted him to take. I take comfort in knowing that he has people like Jimin to ground him and always remind him of home.

Thanks for the ask.

[creathechiboi]

"Blehhh!"

They both then giggled until Dr. Maheswaran entered the living room and said, "I thought I told you not to do that, Connie; it's very childish."

Connie looked down and fidgeted with the bottom of her shirt. "Sorry, sorry."

She sighed, then turned her attention towards Steven. "You don't have a costume for the party, Steven?"

"Wha, I—I was just going to drop Connie off, I wasn't planning to, well—party," he admitted. Although he was always welcomed the chance to meet and befriend new people, it was his best guess that he'd stick out and sour the mood for some people, and not necessarily because he went with no costume.

"Uh huh. Well, I'm hoping you'll remind her of the curfew and pick her up at an appropriate time. Don't think I've forgotten, young lady."

"I know, Mom," Connie said, peeved. "We should get going now."

"Right! Right, let's—"

"Actually, could you wait outside for a moment, Steven? I have to go over a few things with Connie before you both leave. Privately."

"Mom."

"Connie."

The two stared at each other while Steven shifted and squirmed in place. No matter how better matters have gotten between Connie and Dr. Maheswaran, it didn't make the occasional and strangely calm moments of discourse any easier to witness. "...Steven, please, this'll only be a minute. It's a serious matter."

"O...Okay. I'll, uh, I'll be waiting in the car, Connie," he said, then shut the door and left the two in a tense silence.

[just-an-enby-lemon]

Based on @sillymanwithocs idea of Vicki Vale helping Talia clean her name from slander and bad representation and Joker clear his name from having a cause and good representation.

Penguin: Miss Vale, I have a proposal...

Vicki: Absolutly not. You are a capitalistic mob boss who once feed a guy to a penguin I'm not joining your P.A departament.

Penguin: You don't understand-

Vicki: The media is prejudiced against you somehow and you aren't actually that bad?

Penguin: No, no. I mean I would preffer if they stoped making mean coments about my apareance and focused more on my crimes but that wasn't the point.

Vicki: Oh I can do that.

Penguin: Help me look like a good guy because I paid you a lot?

Vicki: Hell no! I'm not Jack Ryder!!! But I could try to make so they stopped focusing on your looks?

Penguin: And how much would I have to pay?

Vicki: To stop assholes being capacists and fatphobics? Nothing. I'll do it hapilly!

Penguin: Thank you, Miss Vale. I do have another question...

Vicki: I have no idea where Jack lives or how much you would have to pay for him to help you with your schemes.

Penguin: Well thanks anyway. I'll look around.

[...]

Scarecrow: But-

Vicki: NO! I'm sorry but I can't even begin to think of a way to explain that even if I somehow was insane enough to want to help you there's absolutly nothing I could do to make your "research" peer reviewed!

Scarecrow: You could at least publish it.

Vicki: Why though? It's unetical, isn't reviewed and it literally starts with a creepy laugh and you screaming "fear me, mortals"!

Scarecrow: But you published the first one.

Vicki: I didn't published it. I mentioned it on the program BECAUSE it was an interesting, ethical and peer reviewed research. Is not my fault you went insane and became a maniacal chemical terrorist.

Scarecrow: I preffer improved my reshearch tecniques.

Vicki: Well when the rest of the scientific comunity agrees with you, we talk.

[...]

Jervis: Please!! Please! I could be mind controlling you but I'm actually asking isn't it enough to show I have good intentions?

Vicki: Look while I understand it must suck to be wrongfully called a pedophile if I just publish an article saying you aren't one no one will believe me. I can try to help you. But you will need to actually act less predatory.

Jervis: I'm not predatory!

Vicki: Well not intencionally...

Jervis: What you mean?

Vicki: You mind control people, mostly woman, to play tea party with you, has zero notion of personal space and calls everyone pet names.

Jervis: Okay. Gotcha. So all I need to do is be rude and kidnapp more guys, enbys and elders.

Vicki: That not ... you know what sure.

[...]

Waylon: *enters*

Vicki: Sure. I will totaly help you.

Waylon: Eh? I was going to ask if you know where Harley is... I hear you two are friends now and since it is apparently unsanitary to keep it on the sewers she has my coffe machine.

Vicki: Oh. She is on the apartenent upstairs with Pam, they're hidding from Batman.

[...]

Vicki: Pam, I love you but I can't.

Poison Ivvy: Why not?

Vicki: Because while I understand where you are coming from I can't just write a piece about how we should genocide the human race barr some people.

Poison Ivvy: But it would solve the enviromental crisis! That's not fair.

[...]

Riddler: Hello, Miss Vale.

Vicki: Look I'm really tired I have actual jornalism to do, I can't stop just so I can try to make people stop calling you "poor man Joker's".

Riddler: They are still doing that? You make a jokey riddle ONCE!! Stupid fucking people and their inability to distinguish really different concepts!

Vicki: I also can't stop them from calling you "fairy" and "weird" and "not a treat" or "not a real villain"

Riddler: That's so rude! Who the fuck is even saying that???

Vicki: Jack Ryder and his viewers.

Riddler: That moron can't even solve the riddle of the Spinx! How dare him??

Vicki: Uh okay is that about the recent mayor discourse after you went to Arkham using you as an example and calling you a manchild and insulting you outfit? Oh wait is it about that famous gotham tiktoker theorizing you are an incel?

Riddler: Now you're just being mean.

Vicki: Sorry, I'm just trying to figure out what you want me to clear in your image so we can finish this conversation quicker.

Riddler: I didn't want to improve my image!! This was supposed to be a hostage situation but you ruined it!! Apparently everyone just made a laughting stock out me...

Vicki: *ackwardly* Not everyone... Just a bunch of people on the internet... and on TV... and the mayor.

Riddler: *crying* It's been a really though month, okay? I just wanted one thing to work out. But noo is just another lost for stupid Edward. Guess I'll just go home. *to his hiding henchmen* Sorry guys no heist today.

Vicki: *even more ackwardly* You can still kidnnap me if you want to?

Riddler: *angryly* I don't need your pitty. *leaves*

Randon Henchmean: That was really mean of you! I hope you're happy.

Vicki: I didn't... what just... what is my life?

[fuzzydreamin]

7 13 24

Starting strong I see. Thank you for the asks❤️

7. What character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because of how the fandom acts about them?

Deacon. Sometimes I find a person with really good takes, most of the time people have reduced him to being the butt of the joke who just gets sad sometimes.

I do wanna add something I've said in a previous post though: Tumblr is the place for characters to be turned into a joke with little seriousness added onto those posts intentionally. It's not that deep, and I'm not that upset about it. I don't hate Deacon at all, I like all of the companions in 4. It's just tiring when you see the same thing about the same character all the time.

I also feel like Deacon's comedic relief box within fandom has done him a huge disservice in general, as a lot of serious works tend to not include him unless he is a pivotal role within their story. I can only guess it might be because the writer believes they can't do him right, or that it would ruin the mood to have him be funny in the scenario. But... he doesn't have to be funny all the time. He isn't. You can write him being serious, or angry, or just regular levels of chill. He doesn't need to just be either an over the top jokester or sad.

13. Worst blorboficiation

I don't go there, but Mr Crispy from NV. I like villains, and if someone likes him as a villain that's fine, but the narritive itself doesn't treat him as one so you get a bunch of weird fans who don't either and think he's cool or doing the right thing.

I mean, I guess I have a problem in general when there's a rather religious character and their religion is used as a plot point to say "look how good this person is, look at the good things they are doing because they have a belief system" and those beliefs are never held up in any other light or called into question in any way.

Hell, I don't even like James in 3 because he's so religious, and he was one of the most popular characters for years (really just because of his VA). Other reasons too, but he lost points immediately for his whole life's work being based upon a bible verse.

I'm fine with religion being in things, but not when it's just "being religious makes this character a good person" and no further discussion.

24. Topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

Honestly I think most discourse online gets pretty rancid, and most of the time it's really not justified.

People are often incapable of holding civil discussion and debates online, sometimes simply due to a lack of understanding another person's tone in a text setting, but from what I've seen it's hugely from one or all parties involved already having a preconceived idea of the tone and where their 'opposition' is coming from already. And they aren't willing to lead on the idea of simple ignorance and a lack of understanding, or even that they themselves may be wrong and that that is okay too.

A discussion should be entered with the idea that one or more people can come away from it having learnt something new, or at least reached a civil and mutual understanding to plainly disagree. But everything is perceived as an attack to people online, and that only ever leads to dark and dissapointing places.

So, sorry, but this one gets a shrug from me. I can't really point to one specific thing. Just... fandom behaviour in general.

[soundsofastar]

👀 character thoughts?? i am listening..

OK. OH MY GOD. OK.OK highly unexpected from me but i really wanna get into KATSUKI BAKUGOU FROM BNHA OF PEOPLE. but PLEASE just fucking hear me out i've held these thoughts with me since i was like 12 or something. Long ramble about Angry characters and their fandomification under the cut. Part 2 on netzach lobcorp if people want it enough

Big sigh. Ho boy. I have. A lot to say about thus little idiot highschooler /lovingly

Bakugou is a very interestingly written character especially of the angry/extreme ones i see, and a pretty realistic one at that. I say this as someone who can see myself in him a LOT.

Keep in mind I'm an anime only and only rewatched it about half a year ago and quit near the school festival arc!!! So this might be a bit off if you also wanna add in recent facts.

Now that the disclaimer's over, let's get started, shall we?

Bakugou is ab a highschooler's age. A bully towards the protagonist of the series (izuku), who I also have a lot of feelings about but this isn't about him sorry. Highschooler who bullies Izuku, indirectly motivating izuku to be better as he aspires to be like bakugou — who .. in the start of the series, is only really shown to be the worst to izuku but I'm inclined to say that that's kind of just standard high-schooler behavior from my experience. Sure he's a bit rough with his friends, but, he's 16. He's also what one might call an academic weapon, probably also not naturally. Not to mention, he's got a sick ass and powerful quirk. TL,DR; he won out on the genetics lottery — good for him, right?

He's what I say is one of if not the perfect cocktail which makes up a gifted kid. I feel like people forget about this a lot. Gifted kids are okay with school and all until they're suddenly surrounded by people with their same levels, if not higher — they begin to feel threatened, and no longer like the exception. This happens to bakuogu due to him entering U.A high, quite literally the most prestigious one in Japan (no big../s). He quite literally yells out at izuku about how insignificant he's begun feeling ever since izuku seemed to "beat him", or more so, get on his shared level.

Now, I'm not here to excuse him or anything he did for izuku, but I feel that this specific theme caused... way more discourse than it should've. For fucks sake first of all, being 16 is HARD, because you don't know how to feel and everything is changing — and not to mention you already feel so insignificant. Seeing someone who used to be so far below you suddenly be on the same level as you, it not higher, is an IMMENSE punch to the ol' self worth. Even though one might be staying on top of everything — todoroki still surpasses Bakugou, and he stays number 2, but for bakugou that's just not enough, because his whole life He's been number 1 to everyone and anyone. Losing a status as large as that at an age so fragile can be incredibly crushing and it does VILE things to people. You feel all your self worth slip from you. Everything becomes more hard to do. And you just can't help but want to give up.

TL;DR — people forget bakugou is still a TEENAGER. They are Emotional and that's NORMAL and bakugou was especially ESPEEECIALLY realistically written by making him angry. And I think people really need to take a step back and remember that yeah sure his behavior towards izuku isn't justified but his anger should very much be understood

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here friend and it's Friday, i'm getting over my 12th cold since the year started, and AO3 is down so if you don't mind I'll be ranting about my recent Buddie thought. So with all the discourse over if Buddie is actually happening I've been thinking about scenes and got stuck on 4x14. As you've noted that episode would be pretty shitty without Tim's scenes, and I'm fascinated by the choices made in the scene where Buck talks to Chris. Obviously we start with Buck barely holding it

together when he enters. They talk, and then Buck gets that text that Eddie is going to be okay. And he just breaks. Now if this was JUST about Buck having to tell his BFF's kid bad news, when Buck gets that text shouldn't he have been relieved and happy?? Isn't that what his reaction you'd expect if the same had happened to Chim or Hen? But it doesn't happen here and it's easy to say after everything, he's just so relieved but that's a pretty specific reaction. I'm thinking something like Sense and Sensibility, when Eleanor cries finding out Edward isn't married and forever beyond her reach. Its the reaction you'd expect from someone who's had to think about never having this person in your life and finding out it's not going to happen and hate to tell KR, that is NOT a platonic reaction. I don't know why that got stuck in my head recently, but I blame the absolute boredom of last season for not giving me something better to think about.

Oh no! I’m so sorry you’re struggling to stay well. 🥺 Also, Ao3 like...cannot be down, WTF are we all supposed to DO with ourselves? Introspection? Chores? Stop procrastinating on what we’re supposed to be doing? Sleep? I think TF not! Looks like “bitching about things” it is! Bring it on!

Okay, so you know my thoughts about the shooting specifically being good, but 4x14 in general being way overrated just because of a couple scenes which ignores how KR sidelined the firefam from Eddie’s injury/recovery and also sidelined EDDIE himself from what should have been his own story. (Unlike Buck who still got to have a whole spin-off thing from his ladder truck injury. At the time it happened it was about Bobby, but Buck still got to be centered in his injury and recovery, just saying). 

ANYWAY, that all aside, you bring up a VERY interesting point which is one of the things that people latch on to about this episode, and that, as you pointed out, nearly didn’t exist because KR didn’t think the audience needed to see Buck telling Chris about what happened to Eddie and Tim put his foot down. Now ostensibly, that was because Tim knew the dynamic is a favorite and a scene like that is right at the heart of the show and something at the time it was known for doing and doing well. However what we got was NOT an adult telling a kid some tough news, stepping out to take a call about an injured co-worker, letting out a shaky breath and sigh of relief, then returning to the kid to cheerfully give them the good news. Instead we saw someone the kid trusts enough to run away to when he’s upset, struggle to form the words, and then have a full-on sobbing breakdown when he found out his...”friend” made it through surgery while being comforted by the kid like they are a family. Not like Buck is just a co-worker and “dad’s friend” coming tell Chris what happened before leaving him to his grandparents or something like you would see if they were just “normal” friends. Tia Pepa and Abuela are still around, we see them at Eddie’s party, but it’s never even suggested that Chris stay with them, or one of them come stay at Eddie’s. Like????? They both used to watch Chris before and Chris is much older at this point and Carla is around to help. There’s ZERO reason why the two of them couldn’t come stay and watch out for Chris, or Eddie’s mom couldn’t come in from El Paso right away. I just...WHAT IS THE REASON?!

We have seen several members of the firefam get hurt and the only time Buck came anywhere even close to how he’s reacted to Eddie being in danger is finding Maddie in the woods and even that he’s able to be focused and present on her and is just relieved they found her. With Eddie, he’s completely lost and has to have Bobby pull him together during the well incident, and during the shooting Buck freezes first, then saves Eddie but looks one second from falling apart the whole time, and the second he isn’t actively keeping Eddie alive, he’s nearly catatonic. Speaking of other members of the firefam, we saw Bobby’s reaction to Athena being attacked, and Maddie breaking down sobbing (very much like Buck did with Chris) when she hears that Chim is alive, and how Chim broke talking to and about Maddie in regards to her leaving, hell we literally JUST saw in Tomorrow Hen having the exact same reaction to Karen nearly dying and the way she broke down when they got Karen’s pulse back and handed her off at the hospital. The parallels there are....very loud. Which begs the question WHY was Tim so adamant that this scene take place and give us all of that, only to ultimately do nothing with it? BRB gotta go scream into the woods about this for a bit.

“I don't know why that got stuck in my head recently, but I blame the absolute boredom of last season for not giving me something better to think about.” Okay but for REAL it is *crickets* out here right now. Probably because we went through 9 hours of show that was about 6 hours of filler that didn’t tell us anything at all. Not a great thing when your show is going to be off the air for 3 months.🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks for giving me something to do while waiting for Ao3 to come back up, I am always here for the salt and the general “WTF is all this then?”-ness. And as always, it’s a delight hearing from you. Let’s all manifest some direction for 6b, a return to emergencies that mean something and actually pertain to the main characters and their arcs, FINALLY some good Ravi content, and most of all, Buck and Eddie being allowed to be friends on screen again. Considering that was something very loudly mentioned all season across the board, hopefully someone took some notes. Until then, I’m always here for your rants- excited, frustrated, or otherwise! 

[imatechbummerliketomholland]

You are my world. you three are my world now - h.h

hello there! I'm back ! Sorry if it tooks so long, i have a lot of work during these holiday. I hope you like this little request. I didn't have time to be proofread (but a big thank you to@petersasteria who is always there to support me!). Remember that my native language is French, so don't be so mean if i made mistakes!

Feel free to like, share, comment and tell me what you think. Send me a message if you want to be added to the taglist for my next work!

Word count: 2300 Warning: angst, mention of pregnancy, small mention of blood, mention of placental abruption Pairing : harry holland Request: yes!

ღღღ

You didn't expect to be pregnant with twins at your age. The announcement of your pregnancy had also surprised more than one. Despite her support, Nikki Holland had still given the discourse on the importance of safe sex to her son. But Harry had given a more than mature speech in defense of both of you. He was able to prove to his family and to yours that you were ready and that the decision to continue the pregnancy was not rash.

You were now at the half of your eighth month and nothing could stand in the way of your happiness.

Nothing except maybe this.

Nikki had offered to have lunch with her this afternoon. Despite his work as a photographer, no longer having the company of his four children - since three of them left the family cocoon to live their own life as grown-up adults- weighed heavily on her. You accepted with pleasure. Harry, who was editing his third short film, had left you this morning to go to the edit suite, not without checking that you were okay. So, you joined Nikki at the restaurant. You shine in your long floral maternity dress. In the middle of the meal, you felt a violent contraction.

At almost eight months pregnant, it was no surprise that you could feel twins’ movements. You winced a little at the pain and your mother-in-law put a reassuring hand on your arm.

"Are you alright, darling?" she asking, a little bit worried.

"Yeah, yeah. They've just been in great shape for a few days now."

You apologized and went to the bathroom, struggling to cope with the pain of your contractions. When you noticed that your underwear was soaked with blood, your heart rate increased. You suddenly realized that a series of symptoms corresponded to what you had dreaded early in your pregnancy: the nausea that had occurred last night, the violent contractions since this morning and now the blood. Rather alerting signals that suggested a placental abruption. The obstetrician told you that this was a possible risk since you were having a twin pregnancy. You started to cry and panic for several minutes that Nikki ended up knocking on the bathroom door.

"Darling, is everything good in there?" she asked you with her sweet and worried voice.

"Could you come in please" you sobbed.

"Sure, darling. Are you sure you're feeling okay?"

She stepped carefully into the disabled cabin that you had used for space reasons. Nikki immediately noticed your state of stress. And you just told her everything in strangled sobs. She put a hand behind your back and gave you a very serious look.

"We have to go to the ER. We're going right away."

"I want Harry"

"Don't worry, I'll call him on the way"

And you haven't wasted a minute. Nikki simply left her phone number and table number at the counter before you got into your car. Dom will retrieve Nikki one's later. Holland family been known from the restaurant, the staff were comprehensive about your leaving without paid the bill. When you arrived at the hospital, the nurses greeted you directly and wasted no time either. You were taken to the operating room without being able to get your boyfriend's support.

☙♥❧

Harry arrived within fifteen minutes of receiving the call from his mother. No doubt he would receive a speeding penalty ticket later. He looked like a madman, mortified by worry. He was a bundle of nerves and sarcasm. Her mother was standing by the reception desk, waiting for her. She looked anxious. Tom was there too, trying to contact their father on his phone. When Dom finally picked up, the oldest Holland brother announced the urgency. Harry was shaking with worry.

"What happened mom?"

"I don't really know, baby. We were at the restaurant and the babies kicked. She went to the bathroom and when she didn't come back, I went after her. That's where she asked me to come into the bathroom and you know the rest. I called you straight after that. " Nikki explained, trying to get the stress out of her.

"Oh my god… where is she now?"

"The medical staff took her for surgery. I had to wait here. I couldn't go with her, baby. I’m so sorry."

"Ok ... Ok, I guess I have to wait here. Hope she's okay. God, please make her be alright."

They all made their way to the operating theater hallway for the public to wait for more information. Tom was still on the phone with his father, explaining that it would be better if he stayed at home with Paddy so as not to overcrowd the waiting room. He promised his father that they would all give news as soon as possible. A nurse in a surgical gown entered ten minutes later.

“Who's the father of miss y/l/n's babies?”

“I am. Harry Holland, I’m the father!” he almost screamed and cried at the same time.

“Come with me”

Nikki stood up cautiously and walked over to the nurse. Harry was ready to follow the nurse without giving any further information to his family.

"Excuse me. Can you give us more information on her condition?" Nikki asked

"Sure. We had an emergency caesarean. The babies are fine but there seem to be some complications with the mother. The surgeon is taking care of her."

"Is she going to be okay?" Harry asked hastily.

"She's losing a lot of blood but we're doing our best. Now please follow me." She said to curly one.

☙♥❧

Harry followed her to the nursery. His heart was pounding in mixed emotions. He was so impatient to meet his babies but at the same time he was worried about you. What if you don't survive from the complications? What was to become of him? Would he be able to live without you? Would he be a good father?

His last question vanished when he saw his two little babies in the incubator. Your twins had arrived about fifteen, almost a month earlier than expected, it was normal that they were in an incubator. Harry was going to have to make sure they put on weight. After filling out a few papers, one of the nurses offered to do some skin-to-skin contact with the twins so that they could get to know the three of them. Harry could not but be impatient with this and once prepared he settled into a seat. He was overcome with emotion, understanding how his parents had felt when Sam and him were born. He completely forgets the time, spending several minutes with his sons, one after the other. Harry knew he would place all his love in the two little beings he had taken turns holding in his arms. He was ready to lift mountains, cross the tides. Part of his mind was on you and he truly hoped he could go through life's trials with you. May your family experience all the times they deserve.

The nurse who had brought him to the nursery go up to him with a half-smile. She was sorry to disturb him during this privileged father-son moment.

"Your ... hm ... miss (y/l/n) is in the recovery room. You can go see her now"

Harry's heart burst with relief. He let out a sigh he didn't know he was holding back. The very new father nodded before placing his son in the nurse's arms so that she could put him back in the incubator. He decided to go find his family who had been waiting too long now. When he entered the waiting room, his mother and brother were still seated. Tom had his elbows on his knees, the phone in his hand. He seemed to be talking to someone. When the actor noticed his brother's presence, he spoke to him.

"Hey mate, Sam's here. Wanna talk to him? What's up? Does y/n's alright? And the twins?"

"Too much question. Give me Sam first!"

But the result was exactly the same. Sam asked the same questions as Tom and Harry winced as he tried to answer consensually.

"Hello to you too, brother. The twins are fine. I swear to God Sam, they look like a mini version of us. Two sons by the way ... y/n is fine, she's in the recovery room, I'm going see her right after that. I wanted to talk to mom and Tom first. "

"Glad to know I'm the last to know." Sam informed sarcastically.

"Hey, I was going to call you but I had to, you know ... go meet my sons. Father's job, it seems."

Sam chuckled behind his phone screen as Harry smirked in a mischievous and petty manner. He ended the call with his twin and turned to his mother and Tom. Nikki made her understand that she had heard, she seemed relieved that you were okay.

"Hey, before I go see y/n ... you want to see your grandsons ... and you, your nephew and godson, asshole."

"Harry, language" said Nikki.

"Of course I want to see my godson, stupid"

"Tom!"

The two brothers smile at each other. Just because one became a father and the other was a movie star, didn't mean they were going to change their ways. It was also their way, both of them, to decompress events. Nikki sighed in annoyance but kept quiet, too happy to meet, even only through a window, her first grandchildren. After a brief walk in front of the nursery, Harry announced that he was going to find you, leaving his family to admire your twins. They seemed so impatient to meet them in person but knew they were going to have to wait while you woke up.

☙♥❧

Harry entered the recovery room and walked over to your bed. You seemed to have already woken up from your artificial sleep. He grabbed your hand to give you the support you needed. A feeling of emptiness was felt in you, your gaze landed on your stomach, flatter than you had seen in recent months. Your eyes widened in panic but the reassuring pressure of Harry's hand drew your attention to him.

"They are fine, my love. They are fine. They are in an incubator in the nursery."

You burst into tears. The emotions being so strong.

"I'm so sorry Harry. I'm sorry ..."

“Hey… hey… you don't have to. You're okay… the twins are okay. And I still love you, I love you more than ever."

"Have you seen them?"

"Yes ... ugly like their father" he joked

You chuckled with a few more tears in your voice. You knew he didn't mean it, but humor was Harry's best way to decompress, and it worked on you too.

"My family is here. You scared the hell out of them. I think Sam was about to order a flight to kick your ass."

You chuckled again. It was so impressive to see the love that reigned in this family. You could never have asked for a better way to build your own family. Harry leaned over to kiss you.

"I love you, y/n. You are my world. you three are my world now"

"I love you more, Harry."

You stayed a few more days before you could get out of the hospital. You had decided to introduce the twins after their own discharge from the hospital. That's why, after almost a month of going back and forth to the nursery, you could finally bring your twins home. So you organized a little visit to Harry's parents.

☙♥❧

The sun was shining on London and you squeezed the doorknob of one of the maxi-cozy, Harry carrying your second son as you opened the door to the Holland family home. You were amazed at the ease with which Harry assumed his role as father. He was doing so well that you fell in love with him again.

"Is there anyone here?" He asked

"We're all in the garden, buddy!" Tom said

"You are obviously in the kitchen, dummy"

"For god's sake, Harry. Come into this fucking garden and let us see the twins!"

You let out a frank laugh as you mentally noted that you were going to have to have a conversation with Harry and his brothers about the vocabulary they were using.

You are therefore entering the garden. You noticed right away that Sam had come all the way from Scotland. Harry must have organized this with him too. You smiled, Nikki rushed over to help you with the change bags and you thanked him.

"So where is my godson?" Tom asked in the same way he did at the FFH premiere when he was looking for Jake Gyllenhal.

"Where's mine?" Sam asked too.

You approached Sam, putting the maxycosy on the table to unbuckle the seat belt and take your son in your arms. Harry was doing the same with your second baby.

"I'm happy to introduce you y/s/n"

"And there's y/s/n(2)." Harry added, so proud.

Everyone raved about the twins as you wipe away a tear, happy and proud. You were so moved by the love that reigned. Harry came to kiss you on the forehead, you closed your eyes, appeased by his gesture. The world could only turn better in his company.

"It's family portrait time!" Nikki said, her camera in her hands. "Tom, please get closer to your brother. Sam, stand next to y / n"

You all followed Nikki's instructions, who couldn't be more than happy to capture this important moment, bringing her work and family life together. You all smiled as you and Harry were in the center of the photo, carrying your twins in your arms. And at that moment, you were sure that your life could not be more beautiful than at this moment.

[lepusrufus]

Double edged scalpel ch.4

Ch.1 Ch.2 Ch.3

Summary: Daniela wingman Dimitrescu

---

Who knew that a door could look so intimidating. The dark wood decorated with golden floral patterns and the Dimitrescu crest in the middle wasn’t unlike most other doors in the castle. This door however had one big difference from the rest: it was the door to Cassandra’s bedroom.

Nicole had crossed paths with Daniela earlier, who wasted no time in placing the duty of fetching the middle sister for dinner upon her. Oh well. She was supposed to meet the brunette anyways. Tomorrow at sundown, Cassandra had said. And that was just after dinner. But the lingering feeling of their lips together, deep in a hidden nook in the garden, left Nicole unsure on what to expect from her.

With a final deep breath, she knocked on the door.

It was silent for a few long seconds. She was about to knock again, sure that Cassandra was still sleeping, but was stopped by a groggy reply that she took as her cue to enter.

“Lady Daniela sent me to let you know dinner will be ready soon.”

Nicole had a split second when she regretted each and every decision that led up to that very moment when she noticed the brunette stirring awake, naked body thankfully covered by soft blankets. Cassandra didn’t seem to mind though, as she yawned and stretched her arms like a lazy cat would.

“That’s a weird way to say Daniela is lazy and sent you to do her job.” She grabbed her watch from the nightstand. “Ugh, it’s early.” It’s 7 p.m.

From where she stood, looking anywhere but at the brunette, Nicole wasn’t sure how to respond. It’s not as if she could’ve said no to Daniela’s request. Or, to be more accurate, order. Apparently Cassandra didn’t wait for a reply, as she got out of bed and shuffled to her dresser, hopefully to put some clothes on. With one of her typical black dresses now on, she tiptoed to the other occupant in the room.

“Modest, are we,” she said, placing her hands on Nicole’s waist, not unlike she did many times before.

“Just trying not to get my eyes gouged out.” Hopefully Cassandra still appreciated her humor.

The brunette slowly spinned the other girl around so she could look in her eyes, as if she were a child inspecting a newly received christmas gift. “Mm...you can keep them. Now come on, spend some time with me since Dani insisted on you waking me up so early.”

Thanks Daniela.

Nicole felt herself get pulled further into the room, barely having time to take in all the trinkets and decor inside before she was tugged down to sit in Cassandra’s lap.

Well… best possible scenario.

This time there was no hesitation when their lips connected, one hand finding its place at the brunette's nape, pulling her close. Cassandra let out a small moan when she felt nails scratch lightly against her scalp, which Nicole took as an opportunity to slip her tongue past black painted lips. They kissed until Cassandra pulled back, opting instead to leave a trail of kisses and black lipstick on her jawline, down her throat, and finally her collarbone. The kisses were getting increasingly more aggressive, with nips at the skin and finally teeth dragging at the crook of Nicole's neck.

Cassandra inhaled deeply but pulled her mouth away from the skin, resting her forehead against that spot instead. When she spoke, her tone was dripping with barely held back desire.

"If you want me to stop, you should go."

Oh no, Nicole didn't just shove her tongue in her god damn mouth for them to stop. Whatever crumble of self preservation was left within her, it got booted out the metaphorical front door of her brain the moment she got pulled into the brunette's lap. The only thing that made her hesitate for a second was whether or not Cassandra could bite someone without actually killing them.

"Do not go near the jugular.”

And Cassandra listened. She dragged her teeth from the neck, down to the shoulder and, after an uncharacteristically gentle kiss to the spot, she sunk her now sharp fangs in the flesh.

Nicole couldn't stop a whimper from escaping past her lips at the sudden jolt of pain. But the sensation of soft lips on her skin and Cassandra's low moan at the taste of her blood made for the perfect mixture of pleasure and pain.

"Cassa- ah," she moaned her name, fingers tangled in black hair which only seemed to spur her on.

The pain steadily faded, leaving behind only a tingling sensation. It stopped her brain from putting together any coherent thought, almost as if being drunk without the actual alcohol. But blood loss instead. Nicole tugged lightly on Cassandra's hair when dizziness started to make itself present. When that did nothing, she pulled with slightly more force.

"Cassandra-" she let out a pained groan, mild panic slipping into her voice.

That made the brunette snap out of it, forcefully pulling herself back and eyeing the bloody mess on Nicole's shoulder. She caught the redhead by the arms for support when she slumped forward slightly, pinching the bridge of her nose with a soft ugh. How much blood can a human lose again? Fourteen percent? And Nicole was also quite small.

Cassandra stretched to grab a tissue from the nightstand and pressed it against the puncture wounds, frowning when Nicole flinched at the pain it caused.

"Uh...are you okay?"

Nicole took a deep breath before replying. "-m good. You should...uh go though. I'll go lay down and-...and meet you after dinner." Then she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment to try to alleviate the dizziness and tried to stand up.

Cassandra grimaced at how wobbly Nicole's movement's were and guided her back down, on the soft mattress. The redhead didn't protest, not that she really could anyways.

"No. Stay here, you're no good if you just fall and crack your skull open against a stairwell."

"But-"

Cassandra ignored her, only pushing her down to rest against one of the many pillows littering the bed. "No buts, this is an order from your lady. Now take a nap or something and I'll fetch you after dinner."

Nicole saw her turn around and exit the room, door shutting with a heavy thump. She felt too dizzy to try and fight back. And after all, why would she? The bed was incredibly soft, almost as if it was cradling her small body, inviting her to fall asleep. She slowly pulled one of the blankets up to her waist and positioned herself in such a way that the tissue wouldn't fall from her shoulder. A short nap was all she needed, then she'd be up by the time dinner was done. It only took shutting her eyes for a few seconds to fall asleep, the haze in her mind receding into comforting nothingness.

---

Hot. She felt so incredibly hot. How could Cassandra sleep amongst all these pillows and blankets in the middle of August?

She groaned and stirred, tissue forgotten and covered in dry blood by now. She turned around, trying to find a colder spot and sighed contently upon finding a cool pillow to bury her face into.

Since when did pillows hum?

Nicole snapped her eyes open and jerked backwards, realizing that the "pillow" was Cassandra's side, who apparently had returned from dinner and was now laying in bed with a book.

"I- I'm sorry! I think I overslept and-"

She was interrupted by a slender finger on her lips.

"Get back here, you're so warm."

Too warm, Nicole almost replied but Cassandra's hand mowed from her lips to trace her jawline and neck. Then,when it got to her nape, she pulled the redhead back on her chest, cheek resting on the cool skin.

Nicole froze for a moment but soon melted into the touch. Presumably one of the perks of being an undead being was never getting too hot. At least temperature-wise. She tentatively snaked an arm around the brunette's waist and, when there was no protest, she shifted her body closer against hers.

Checking the time didn't even occur to Nicole until her eyes fell on one of the windows, noticing it was pitch black beyond the glass.

"Shouldn't we have…" she just vaguely gestured, not even sure what they were supposed to do that day in the dungeons.

"Here's one of the perks of working with me darling: if I don't feel like doing anything then congratulations, you've got yourself a day off. Now why don't you enjoy it hmm."

She emphasized her words by bringing her free hand to Nicole's head, nails lightly scratching the scalp. But Nicole was wide awake, despite the pleasant sensation that elicited a content hum from her.

There were so many things to take in that she hadn't noticed earlier. Just like her study, Cassandra's bedroom was like a collection of glimpses into her. The desk was littered with papers and oddly modern drawing supplies, the kind you would get by entering the art supply store down the road from her college dorm. A mannequin in the corner of the room was wearing a most likely tailor made dress, complete with what looked like a matching sword. The wall she could see was half covered in bookshelves, half in deer antlers or horns of different animals. Some had labels with dates underneath them that were too far to read, but Nicole managed to decipher one that said 08.06.1982.

She didn't want to risk losing her precious head scratches in order to explore the other half of the room, so her eyes settled on the one thing she could see without moving. The book in Cassandra's other hand.

"What're you reading?"

Cassandra sighed, realizing that she was still awake but answered anyway.

"Watership down."

She giggled, still a bit lightheaded. "Bunnies…"

Cassandra rolled her eyes, not quite in the mood to go on a lengthy discourse about the themes of said "bunnies". She opted to change the topic instead, voice oddly soft.

"How's your head?"

"Mmm...dizzy."

"Sleep then."

"My room is too far away."

"Sleep here you dumbass."

Nicole was silent for a few moments, putting together the few coherent thoughts still lingering in her brain. Then, trying not to slur her words due to dizziness and sleepiness alike:

"Isn't that against protocol? Do you even have a protocol?"

"The protocol is that our staff serves my family. Right now you're keeping me warm. There, congratulations on performing your duties. Now go to sleep."

The redhead gave in, too tired to keep on annoying Cassandra. She nuzzled her face closer to the brunette's neck leaving a small peck on her collarbone and closed her eyes. The nails still scratching at her scalp, occasionally moving to run through long auburn locks proved more than efficient at lulling her to sleep. She could swear she felt a soft, almost imperceptible kiss on the top of her head before consciousness fully slipped away from her

[holden-caulfield]

Stairway To Heaven

↪︎ 𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

Summary: draco and reader are best friends. Or so she thinks.

Warnings: one swear word i think.

Word Count: 1555

This is not inspired by the song in any way, but the title was fitting sooo

//

You and Draco had been friends for a very long time, since you could remember, and yet it wasn't unusual for you to be found arguing with the blond at least once a day. Sometimes you would argue about his rude attitude or the latest student he had bullied, but most of the times you simply wanted to tease him. Apparently, seeing what new witty remark he could come up with was the highlight of you day. You loved the banter that characterized your friendship and you couldn't really imagine your life without it.

"I'm telling you, you two are made for each other!" squealed Pansy from the big couch in your common room.

"We are just friends, Pansy! Friends!" you replied incredulously as you plopped down beside her.

"Yeah, just friends... Y/n, it's so obvious!"

"Are you sure you're okay?" you asked feigning concern as you put your hand on her forehead to check her temperature.

"Oh, shove off!" she scolded, swatting your hand away. "Don't tell me you've never thought about it!"

"Of course not!" you lied.

You had thought about you and Draco being something more quite a few times now, but the prospect of ruining everything was enough for you to put that thought aside. You found yourself daydreaming about his soft blond hair and his sharp jawline more than you cared to admit. Not to talk about his eyes, always looking at you and making you feel as if you were the most precious thing in the world.

But you couldn't ruin your friendship. He probably didn't feel the same way and even if he did you couldn't risk losing what you had. The ease, the trust, the teasing.

In that moment, someone descended the stairs of the boys' dormitory, Draco. You and Pansy looked up at him, eyes wide. He stopped behind the couch, confused by the weird stares that you and Pansy were giving him.

"What?"

"Have you heard us?" you asked, slightly panicked. You didn't know why you were feeling this anxious, maybe some part of you wanted him to feel something for you other than friendly affection.

"Why? Were you talking about me?" his face instantly lit up with a smug smile and he leaned on the couch with his elbows.

"Why yes, in fact. I was just telling Pansy how immensely insufferable you are." you retorted, feeling incredibly relieved knowing that he hadn't heard you.

He got up from his previous place and resumed his path towards the door of the common room, scoffing. Before exiting, he added another comment, smirking playfully, "Oh and Pansy, me and y/l/n? Really? I hoped you thought more highly of me."

You knew it was nothing more than a joke, but why did it hurt? He had obviously heard you, he heard you saying that you couldn't even picture him as your boyfriend and he had said the same thing, yet it hurt more than you imagined. Maybe Pansy was right.

The next few days, you tried to forget about your new-found feelings for your best friend and your last conversation, but it was easier said than done. You felt as if you owed him some kind of explanation even though he expressively said he saw you just as a friend. Nothing more.

"Draco, wait a moment!" you began, preventing him from entering your first class of the day. He simply raised his brows and you continued.

"I wanted to apologize. For the other day. I shouldn't have said that."

"Said what?" you rolled your eyes, he was one of the smartest people you knew and yet he could be really daft sometimes.

"About you. That i could never see you as something else."

"But you are right. We are friends, nothing else." with that he left you alone and entered the classroom. You didn't know whether his answer cheered you up or devastated you. Definitely the second.

You tried behaving as always, but he seemed to be ignoring you. You had almost all of your classes together and yet he managed to avoid you every single time. Even when you could actually talk to him, he was different, he was suddenly very cold. He was with everyone but he had never been with you and this really bothered you. So you decided to confront him, you decided that you would have told him what you felt: your friendship was already in jeopardy, might as well completely ruin it. The idea terrified you, Draco had always been by your side and imagining a life without him seemed impossible. Maybe you did like him. Maybe you did love him.

"Draco! Draco, we have to talk!" but Draco sped up, not even glancing up. He had no right to ignore you like that so you quickened your pace to match his.

"Draco, we need to talk!" but the boy continued on walking, ignoring you completely.

"Fine! If you don't want to talk, you are going to listen." you asserted and Draco simply covered his ears. Mouth agape, you stared at him, still walking, almost running. The audacity of this man.

You swatted his hands away and he glared at you. He had never glared at you, not in that way. Pure hatred seemed to dance in his icy eyes, even colder than usual. You took a deep breath and started your speech which eventually turned in an incoherent mumbling.

"Listen Draco, i don't know what i did to deserve this, but i highly doubt i did something so spiteful to earn this kind of treatment." he still wasn't looking at you and continued his way towards the common room, but in his eyes something changed, he looked almost ashamed.

"You are incredibly important to me, you've never shown me anything but support and that's why i could never forgive myself if i involuntarily hurt you in some way. You are my best friend, for Merlin's sake!" Draco's eyes seemed to harden again and a scowl started to paint on his face.

"And i won't deny you that you're even more than a friend to me." Draco finally side glanced at you as the two of you were now walking up the stairs, surrounded by hundred of paintings looking at you curiously.

"I care about you so much and you don't even look at me. Every day i look forward to see your stupid face and hear your stupid voice, to have one of our usual stupid conversations and hear your stupid laugh so that every night i can go to sleep and think about your beautiful face and your beautiful voice, about our conversations and your laugh that i wouldn't trade for the whole bloody world." Draco was proceeding increasingly slower and you were walking side by side, trying to get him to look you in the eyes as you kept on going upwards.

"At least look at me, you stupid, unbearable, prissy, arrogant, pretty, handsome git!" your face was red with anger but he didn't stop. "Because what i'm trying to tell you is that i l-"

Draco abruptly grasped your waist and pulled you closer to him. You had been so engrossed in your discourse that you hadn't even noticed that the stairs were changing and that you were about to fall, one foot already dangling in the air. But Draco caught you and you were now pressed against his chest while he gazed at the void you were about to fall in. His chest rose up and down wildly and you could hear his heart thumping at a ridiculously quick pace under your cheek.

The stairs stopped again in front of a corridor but neither of you seemed to able to move. Then, Draco grasped your shoulders pulling you away from him but still exceedingly close.

"Are you ok?" his eyes searched yours for any signs of hurt and you just stared back.

"Are you talking to me now?" you asked sternly, making his expression go from one of concern to one of sorrow in a matter of seconds.

"I'm sorry, y/n." he admitted, eyes glinting as he held you firmly in front of him.

"For what? For being an asshole?"

"For not telling you before that i never wished for us to be just friends." his unexpected confession caused you to stare at him for a few seconds before a huge grin spread on your face and you took his pale face in your hands, which turned bright pink at the sudden contact. You kissed him, you finally kissed him.

"I advise keeping such displays of affection for closed doors." boomed a voice in front of you and you and Draco leapt backwards, clinging to the railing behind you with both hands. Snape eyed each of you with scorn before passing between you two and descending the stairs. "10 points from Slytherin."

As he got out of your sight, you couldn't help but burst out laughing and Draco followed swiftly. You then looked down at your feet, a big grin still plastered on your face. He inched closer, lifting your chin up to face him.

"So... you think i'm handsome." he said smugly.

"I also said that you are unbearable."

"Yes, but you think i'm handsome."

"But i-" he cut you off by reconnecting your lips together.

"I have to admit that i kinda like this new way of shutting me up."

//

Taglist <3

@turn-to-page-394-please @gwlvr @dracosaccount @astoria-malfcy @dracomalfoys-wh0re @ch0kemedracomalfoy @cherie-draco @oeuryale @wh0re4blaise

[if your name is crossed out, check your privacy settings!]

[butch-bitch-dyke]

Some Stuff(tm) about the MOGAI Wiki but not what you're expecting

(I was not involved in... whatever the fuck Kris did and left before that happened, I am bewildered.)

Hi! I’m not sharing my name, though you might be able to guess. Refer to me as "butch" or "dyke" and use it/its pronouns.

I used to be a MOGAI coiner, centering on pagan, lesbian, and Latin identity. I also used to be an extremely prolific editor for what is now the Mogai Wiki (the Ezgender Wiki, when I was an editor), writing 40+ full pages and editing possibly 200+. And I left because of transmisogyny. Fun.

At the time, the wiki & Discord didn’t have a single active transfem mod. The only mod who is maybe transfem was extremely inactive to the point I’d never seen them post anything in the server. This remains the case, apparently. (Can't say I'm shocked the owner left due to being overly defensive given the incident this post is about.)

The server was also very, very absent of transfems. I think there were maybe three of us total that I saw.

So, the incident that caused me to leave:

One of the (at the time) admins messaged in a chat asking if it was okay to identify as [transmisogynistic slur]. Said admin was transmasculine. A member (who is prominent in the MOGAI community) linked a Wiki page I wrote on the term, that explained extremely clearly with sources why [slur] should not be used by non-transfems. And was seemingly used to say “yes, it’s cool.”

I entered the conversation and politely asked if they actually read the article. They had.

I then said that, since they knew better—and since their first time fully deciding to use the term was after knowing better—using it would be extremely transmisogynistic.

They did not like that.

I was accused of erasing gay male history. They tried to convince me that I was wrong about the term’s origins. They refused to even at least censor the word on request if they were going to continue saying it. When I said I was the only transfem present and was being ignored which, bad look, [prominent community member] said I wasn’t. I… definitely was. I knew all the people involved were transmasc or transneutral, because I knew them personally. I was told I was doing “discourse” and ordered to stop speaking on the issue by (again, transmasc) mods.

So I muted the server for a few days, because that experience was fucking degrading.

When I finally looked back on it, i found [different transmasc admin] had pulled me in a ticket, and warned me for “biased articles” and “hateful language.”

The biased articles? [Slur]. Obviously. And one article on the black triangle that was at worst biased towards not erasing Roma experiences regarding the Holocaust, which had been up for months (and read by mods) with no prior issue. That article was from November. This issue was in January.

The hateful language? A message from the week before reading “cis people are cancelled, men are cancelled, transmascs are cancelled, this is so transmisogynistic” when explicitly speaking about transmisogny regarding [slur] a week prior. Which, I’m so sorry that I hurt your feelings by generalizing when calling out bigotry that you immediately turned around and perpetuated. Point proven for me, though. (If you “not all men me” on this I swear I will bite your legs off.)

I then found that [transmasc owner] had rewritten the entire page to almost entirely be about gay and trans men. They removed my transfem primary sources. They removed the definition’s source and didn’t bother sourcing a new one. They watered down every place I mentioned it was a transmisogynistic slur to downplay or fully erase the term’s history as one. The majority of historical context I provided was deleted without replacement. To be clear: [slur] is an equivalent slur to tr-p. Like. 100%. Which is part of what my sources discussed.

The only transfem sources they included? Naturally, transfems saying it was totally okay because “we all experience transphobia” and “the gay and transfem community are really close,” which is just… extremely ignorant of history and also definitely a minority opinion in the transfeminine community. The slur is transmisogynistic. Not transphobic, not homophobic, not femmephobic. It is a slur against specifically AMAB transfems & trans women.

So, naturally, I was fucking pissed.

I may have written a very long, very angry reply, as one does when implicitly accused of ‘tranmisandry’ for calling out transmisogyny by a transmasc. Essentially, it was pointing out the issues I said above. Then I left.

For a few days I did not unfriend the moderators. I never blocked them, and they can easily find my Discord and Tumblr. It’s been four months with no message or apology, and last I checked the page is still what the former owner "corrected" it to, so I don’t see how I could be expected to believe the wiki or people involved changed.

Currently, only two mods for the wiki were there when I was a member. Only one of said mods was involved in the issue. So I’ll give the new mods benefit of the doubt.

But yeah, you guys wonder why you don’t see a lot of transfems active in the MOGAI community? Why every wiki seems so devoid of us? This shit is why.

You all are only against your idea of transmisogyny, not committed to protecting transfems. You hate TERFs more than you love trans women.

You can’t stop talking about how TERF ideology is just as bad for transmascs when they literally want all transfems murdered—yeah, they hurt transmascs a lot, but they’re killing us. You can't stop trying to make transmisogyny about you. You refuse to analyze transmasc-specific bigotry through any lense other than comparison to transmisogyny.

If you get told to stop using one slur, get a little uncomfortable, feel like we’re being too mean? That “allyship” goes straight out of the window.

You’re more averse to speciesism than transmisogyny. You’re more upset by “kinnie” than by [slur].

Maybe treat us like you give a shit, and fucking listen. Then you might realize that, hey, this community isn’t just transmascs and enbies, and it never has been.

(on the slur censored in this post:)

[Slur], which some might have guessed, is femboy. While transmascs and gay men use it… a lot, now, it originated in the 90s as a sibling term for trap, but even more sexualized. As in, it literally came from the same discussion boards.

The main difference, and why the f-mboy is even more sexualized, is that since they’re not “deceiving” men, they can have very visible bulges. This is also why the term is extremely pornographic, reclaimed or not, and minors really need to stop throwing around.

Frankly, the whole queer men "reclaiming" it has made it way fucking worse. Conflating a slur calling trans women men with queer men is extremely fucking gross. "Reclaiming" other communities' trauma and erasing them from the discussion is gross. (And, no, "I wan't a term with history" isn't an excuse when that history is the sexualization, trafficking, and murder of trans women. Want historical terms? Scroll down.)

The movements formed around it are cool. Yay feminine men. But the use of the slur is still violently transphobic even if the culture is nice.

It feels a bit too late to stop completely at this point, but the least you (and the MOGAI Wiki) could do is not actively spread transmisogynistic misinformation on the word.

If you're looking for alternatives that don't fuck over transfems, consider:

Lavender boy - Much more history within the gay community, and more of a connection to queer men than f-mboy will ever had. Referring to a feminine queer man/masc. 1920s

Rosboy - A modern equivalent to the exact definition of f-mboy used by queer men/mascs, but this time the definition used is accurate to the term itself.

Tomgirl - Opposite of tomboy

Femme - Literally just femme. We've had femme the whole time. Just use it

Femme man, masc, guy, etc. - See femme

Make something up, or do your own research! Both are definitely options for anyone

Also, yes I have sources on all of this, I'm just not posting them publicly because I would be immediately outed if I did. If anyone involved/in the Discord wants to back me up without saying who I am or showing my user/nickname, feel free.

[kingkatsuki]

Response to Callout Post.

This is a response to this post by Savnofilter.

The last month you’ve been posting whatever you like about me and my friends on your Tumblr account, not bothering to fact check any of the inforrmation before posting it on a public platform. In this post I’m going to focus on the parts of the most recent post where Sav attempts to make me look like a predator.  

She cut every single one of the screenshots. Here's them in context. I'm not going to do this for all of them, because I think this makes it fairly obvious she's cut them to fit her narrative. I can provide the rest of the screenshots if you want to see the full conversations. I decided to stop being friends with Sav after I noticed a pattern of behaviour where she seemed to fixate on attention and take it out on me.

Since posting the original post I made over a month ago, I’ve had other writers come forward to tell me that they had no idea that you were a minor and that they had also engaged in NSFW conversations with you. No one needs to approach anyone on my behalf, no one needs to send any hate or fuel the discourse. I just want to show the full story.

Screenshots are under the cut. Green dot indicates the screenshot that Sav posted.

I believe she did this because she was angry that I cut her out of my life for being toxic. I then learned she was a minor, and blocked her. So, you have access to all of our conversations now, and can see she took them out of context to make them seem nefarious. She is manipulative, and I'm unsure what makes her think this is okay. I hope she gets the help she needs. This is the last I'll speak on this.

I’ve already mentioned on my previous post that I was unaware that Sav was under 18 until 2020. The screenshots that she shared on her blog are all from 2019. Starting from when she first came into my DMs and asked to see one of my tattoos to the conversations that we had during a Kirishima collaboration we were writing together, and general conversations we had between friends. I joined Sav’s server back in 2019, when I didn’t really know anyone in the fandom, I was still new to writing and I thought it would be a great opportunity to meet other smut writers. While in her server, me and Sav also shared a mutual server called ‘Horny Girls Guild’ which was a strictly 18+ server.

The full conversation:

This was the first conversation we had. Talking about tattoos, and then talking to a smut writer about her fanfiction. Sav said that she appreciated my fanfiction too so I said I would send her in a request if that was okay.

This is the full conversation for the next screenshot that she used. The introduction of the kinks was Sav, we spoke about choking which was something she had written about in a recent fanfiction with Bakugou. The thirsting was never about Sav, it was about Bakugou as seen in screenshot 3.

Again the full conversation. This stemmed from talking about NSFW fics.

The context that was left out was that we were talking about Bakugou or Dabi.

These conversations were cropped in a way intended to manipulate people into believing you were "anxious" about what I was saying, but as you can see from the full screenshots, it’s the opposite. 

Your posts were based on the fact that I should have known that you were a minor. Unfortunately I only found out that you were a minor in 2020 because a friend told me that you were. This friend asked me to keep quiet out of fear that you would know that it was her that had told me because at the time you’d only told two people your age in a voice chat. 

I’m sorry for not asking the age of the person who I was talking to and for assuming that as a NSFW blog, sharing NSFW spaces that they were also 18, but I think that it is important that both minors and adults are also transparent with their age, especially when they are entering adult spaces. 

I'm also incredibly sorry for the pain this personal discourse has caused others, especially with the careless use of words like grooming and gaslighting.

[mythologyfolklore]

Confrontations

(A/N: This is the sequel to "Cruel Truth". Religious themes are obviously here, but I promise this isn't meant to be offensive in any way. Still I don't want religious discourse on my work. Just like my previous stories in this series, it's just a stupid little fanfic and the headcanons are mine. Just a heads-up for Archangels being douchey, demons bitching, Lucifer being creepy, way too much talking and explicit mentions of an Archangel and a demon doing "the deed". Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.❤)

.

“It's nice to see you all”, Raphael received them, as he opened the door to let them inside. “But why are you here without notice? I've given Uriel my mobile phone number, as well as my new address here in London.”

“To be honest, it was a spontaneous decision”, Archangel Michael admitted sheepishly.

Raphael frowned. He didn't believe a word, because there was no way five Archangels at once would spontaneously have decided to visit him in his earthly home.

But instead of voicing that, he said: “Still, you should have called in advance.”

“Sorry for that”, Raziel, a dark blonde Archangel with hazel eyes, apologised. “But we were in the area and thought we could check on you. What with you being temporarily banished to Earth and such. We wanted to see how you're taking it.”

Raphael knew what the younger Archangel was actually saying; they (or at least she) had come here in hope to see him broken and devastated from not being allowed in The Lord's Presence anymore.

Well, the joke was on her (partly), because he was doing fine, all things considered.

“Oh, I'm well”, he smiled. “Thank you for your concern. But seriously, next time you visit, give me notice. The flat owner doesn't appreciate unannounced visitors.”

Gabriel tilted his head. “The owner?”

The Healer laughed: “Well, duh! As if I'd own a maisonette freehold flat! Also, please wipe and take off your shoes, before you enter. If there's dirt on the carpet, Asmodeus will flip-”

“ASMODEUS???”

“Calm down! The building where I lived before burned down in a house fire, so ze lets me live here, as long as I keep zir flat in pristine shape and replenish the supplies – you know, standard expectations and common courtesy.”

“Okay”, Raziel said, as she went further in and looked around. “Yeah, this flat really doesn't seem your taste. Too big and luxurious.”

“Exactly”, Raphael agreed. “But at least ze doesn't charge me any rent.”

“Well, that's … awfully nice”, Gabriel remarked. “The things ze does for you, huh?”

“Hm. The things ze does for me, indeed. Then again ze told me it's the least ze could do after hiding zir old identity from me for six thousand years. Which reminds me …”

His smile and tone now grew sweet.

Too sweet.

The kind of saccharine, that had 'FURIOUS' written all over it.

“… why did none of you tell me, that Asmodeus, Prince of Hell, Archdemon of Lust, King of Demons, Lucifer's advisor, etc., used to be the love of my life?”

Uncomfortable silence fell over them, as the other Archangels looked at each other guiltily and Archangel Raphael grew increasingly livid, to the point where his brown eyes reverted to their natural lime green.

“Well? Come on! Spit it out! Do I look like I have the patience for you to beat around the bush right now?!”

Gabriel began: “Raphael, listen …”

“You listen! I spent millennia searching for my fiancée, trying to learn of what became of her! And in all this time none of you could've told me the truth?!”

Uriel coughed: “Ahem, to be fair, I did tell you to ask Asmodeus zirself-”

“SIX THOUSAND YEARS LATER, URIEL!!!”

“Just let me explain!”

“… Fine.”

Uriel rubbed their temple, as if they had a headache, and sighed: “The Lord erased my own memories from Before. I didn't know they were the same person. I suspected it from zir demeanour towards y- oh, don't give me that look, Raphael! The very idea, that an arsehole like Asmodeus could be the same as the Angel you loved, was preposterous! And it wasn't like I could prove it! You wouldn't have believed me! I could hardly believe me!”

Then Raziel cleared her throat, but Raphael cut her off: “If you're about to give me the 'Angel of Secrets' bullcrap, I'll slap you silly!”

“Alright, then I won't! Geez!”

“Whatever. Next!”

Azrael explained: “I didn't know, that Asmodeus is … was Yehudiel, until ze visited you in Heaven. It was only when ze recognised me, that I realised: this was the Seraph I had once looked up to as a big sister, who had taught me how to fly. That was a shock.”

“And you didn't tell me, because?”

“Oh, I was going to, but then you duped me. Twice. Within one month. So forgive me, if I didn't exactly have the inclination to tell you after that.”

“… That's fair. And you, Gabriel?”

“Don't look at me like that! I just assumed, that you knew”, Gabriel defended himself. “It was just obvious and since of all Angels you know zir best, I thought that you'd caught on at some point. I mean, for Heaven's sake, ze gives you pet names, listens to you, does stuff for you ze wouldn't do for anyone else … and the eyes! There was only one Angel with eyes of that specific shade of turquoise and that was Yehudiel! The clues were everywhere! Ze wasn't even subtle about it! How did you not figure it out in six thousand years?!”

“That's exactly what Asmodeus said! But just a reminder, youremembered everything from Before! I had but a handful of hazy memories, until ze revealed the truth to me! I couldn't read the clues without having anything to connect them to!”

“… Oh snaps.”

“Yeah! And you, Michael? What's your fucking excu- don't lecture me about language!”, Raphael snapped, when the Warrior Archangel opened his mouth. “I'm in no mood to put up with any scolding from an Angel, who stabbed me in the back and lied to me for six thousand years!!”

“I did not!”

“Yes, you did! Did I not have the right to know, that I'd been engaged and in love, only to lose my fiancée to her brother's cause?! That she had fallen and become one of the most evil demons in all of Creation?! Michael, how could you! You knew better than anyone, that I was struggling with this gap in my memory, that I couldn't stop wondering, who and where this person I loved was or why I had this!”

He pulled something from beneath his turtleneck – a silver locket containing a miniature portrait of Yehudiel and a mallow lock of hair.

“You should be ashamed of yourself, Michael!”, he all but shouted, his voice cracking. “Nothing – and I mean nothing! – gave you the right to keep my own past a secret from me!”

Now Michael was seized by anger. “Oh yeah?”, he spat back, “Well, how about the orders of The Lord?! Perhaps you should ask yourself, why He warped your memories! Or, never mind, I will tell you! After the Great Fall The Almighty summoned me and informed me of His intend to erase or alter everyone's memories from Before! He did this to ease everyone's suffering! Your heartbreak was too great to bear, that's why you remembered nothing!”

That was too much.

“INTERESTING!”, Raphael yelled, “AND WHY DID YOU GET TO REMEMBER??? AND AZRAEL, RAZIEL AND GABRIEL??? WHY DO YOU FOUR REMEMBER EVERYTHING, BUT NO ONE ELSE???”

Michael roared: “HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE DECISIONS OF THE LORD!!!”

“SHUT UP! YOU GOT TO QUESTION HIM AND LEARN OF HIS INTENT AND GET A SAY IN IT, WHILE I GOT SOMETHING RIPPED FROM MY MIND WITHOUT MY CONSENT!!! WHY??? EXPLAIN, YOU BACKSTABBER!!!”

“YOU TAKE THAT BACK, YOU-”

Before Michael could end his sentence, Azrael let out an unearthly, piercing shriek. It was so loud, that all glasses in the apartment building shattered and gave all humans within a 20km radius a nasty tinnitus.

The two quarrellers quit instantly and blinked at the black-haired Archangel of Death.

“I'm sorry”, Azrael apologised, “But could you two please stop yelling at each other and discuss this like reasonable adults?”

“Well”, Raphael snarled, “maybe I don't want to be a reasonable-”

“Actually, please do”, a new voice spoke. “If the Vessel of Death screams one more time, my ears will bleed.”

The six Archangels whirled around and stared at the newcomers.

One was an albino-looking person of undefinable gender with short white curls (with mallow highlights, Raphael noted painfully) and turquoise eyes, sitting in a wheelchair, right leg in a cast. Their wheelchair was pushed a woman with tan skin and black eyes and hair.

“Well, well, well”, Asmodeus remarked, “What a surprise to find so many Greater Archangels in my home.”

.

“So, new corporation, huh?”, Raphael noted awkwardly, as all were seated at the dinner table with a different drink for each.

“And new pronouns. I'm a 'Xe/Xyr' now. Xyr with a 'y'.”

“Alright, noted. What happened to your good leg?”, Raphael questioned.

For the split of a second Asmodeus' eyes blazed, then xe composed xyrself, put on a deceptively genuine looking smile and shrugged: “Doesn't matter.”

It was a lie.

The Archangels picked up on the wrathful vibes and reflexively went into fight mode.

In response Asmodeus' companion (xyr older sister Ashtoreth, if Raphael wasn't mistaken) growled warningly and took a fighting stance of her own, ready to defend her sibling.

The Prince of Lust noticed and frowned: “Now, now! No need to get hostile here! Calm down, everyone, there is no reason to be so tense.”

Hesitantly they relented.

“Better”, xe nodded. “Oh, and Raphael, could I have a private moment with you in the kitchen?”

He understood. “Alright. Ashtoreth, is that fine with you?”

The Archduchess consented, albeit reluctantly.

.

“So, what happened?”, Raphael inquired, while carefully removing the cast from Asmodeus' broken leg. “I don't believe for a nanosecond, that it doesn't matter.”

Xe didn't respond for a few seconds, but xyr eyes were flaring with such a ferocity, that it was a miracle xe hadn't levelled London yet. Yet they also were … puffy??? Had Asmodeus been-?

“Please tell me”, he pleaded.

The Prince of Hell took a deep breath, ere xe finally told him the truth: “Beelzebub suddenly decided (after six thousand years!) that ze doesn't want to be with a 'whore' like me. I objected, things escalated, ze broke my good leg and scorched my corporation (hence this new one) and I retaliated by ripping zirs to shreds.”

A storm of emotions went through Raphael, as he registered what he had just heard.

“Seriously?!”, he cried incredulously, once it had sunk in. “What the hell, that's hypocritical!”

“It's bullshit, that's what it is!”, Asmodeus hissed. “Not to mention that I've never once given zir reason to doubt me and ze had the audacity to dump me! Me!! Ze'll never find anyone like me, let alone someone better!”

For a few seconds the Archangel of Healing stayed silent, not knowing how to deal with this. Eventually he decided to do the angelic thing and offer comfort to the distressed soul.

“You know, I can smite zir, if you want.”

Okay, close enough.

.

Asmodeus smiled tiredly, but didn't reply.

Raphael put his hand onto xyr head and sent a wave of angelic comfort through xyr corporation to ease the hurt. When xe didn't say thank you, he muttered something about xyr being impossible.

“Now let's have a look at your leg- oh Glorious Lord of Hosts!”

“I assure you, it's worse than it looks”, Asmodeus deadpanned. “You'll need a blessing to fix that mess, so do be a good boy and- oh no! Nonononono! Don't you fucking dare!!!”

Raphael had summoned his Heavenly Chains (innocuous-looking green ribbons, that could turn into indestructible fetters). Asmodeus knew them all too well and just the sight could make xyr panic – like right now.

The Archangel put a hand on xyr shoulder. “Easy! I just need them as fixations!”

“JuSt As FiXaTiOnS???” In xyr terror xe had dropped the human voice.

“My Heavenly Chains are the only way to keep you still, while I heal you! Asmodeus, I only want to help you! Or would you rather be wheelchair-bound for the rest of your life?”

The Prince of Hell snarled and glared daggers at him, but forced xyrself to hold still.

“That's what I thought”, the Archangel commented and with a wave of his hand the magical band wrapped itself around the broken leg and fixated it to the stirrup of xyr wheelchair.

“Look, I'm not doing this to torment you”, he sighed. “Now brace yourself, this will hurt like Hell.”

The Prince of Lust scoffed: “Oh please, you don't know shit about hurting like-”

The rest was cut off by an unholy shriek of pain, as the Archangel's blessing pulsated through the broken leg. Not only did xyr demonic nature fight against the holy energy, xe also could feel each and every bone splinter shift and crawl through the flesh to come together and reform.

For what felt like an eternity Asmodeus was in a world of agony.

Then at last it came to an end and xe found xyrself in the Archangel's arms, shivering and gasping, until another wave of angelic comfort soothed the violent tremors.

“There”, Raphael cooed and his Heavenly Chains disappeared. “All done. No more chains either.”

“I hate you!”, Asmodeus groaned.

“Likewise”, the Archangel muttered, but kept stroking xyr hair. “But look at it this way, now you know how it felt for me, when you exorcised the Hellfire out of my body and drew out the process, like the sadistic arsehole you are.”

“… Go to Hell, little Archangel. Or, if you won't do me that favour, at least help me up.”

Raphael laughed, but helped xyr to stand up.

Now that they were standing in front of each other, Asmodeus became aware of how much shorter xyr new corporation was than the previous one. Xe was still taller than Raphael, but only by a few inches.

When Raphael looked xyr up and down, xe blinked questioningly.

“Well, at least now you're not as tall anymore, so I won't have to crane my neck to look you in the eyes”, he commented, making xyr snicker.

Right that moment the others stumbled into the kitchen, with Michael and Gabriel holding back a furious Astaroth, who was thrashing, hissing and growling madly.

“Sorry”, Michael apologised to Asmodeus. “But we heard you scream, she flipped and we had to hold her back.”

Asmodeus broke into laughter, which made the Archduchess pause. Seeing that all was well, she instantly switched from angry demon into big sister mode, wound herself out of her captors' hold and started to fret over xyr.

“Are you okay, North Star?”, xe heard her faint telepathic voice ask. “Your screaming was so awful! Was he torturing you?”

I'm fine, Evening Star, xe thought back. He used a blessing to fix my leg and the holy energy was painful. But I'm okay. Just a little wobbly on the legs.

She threw a sceptical look at the Healing Archangel, before relaxing and giving the Prince of Lust a kiss on the forehead (which the now white-haired Prince silently condoned).

Uriel turned to Raphael: “Are you sure it worked? Xe still kinda looks like shit-”

“Language!”, Michael snapped.

Asmodeus laughed: “Come on, Michael! You referred to my brother as 'Luci-fuck' twice, when we met in Hell!”

The other Archangels (even Azrael) and Astaroth joined in on the laughter, causing Michael to retreat into the corner of shame.

Azrael came over and offered xyr a cup of chamomile tea. Asmodeus resisted the urge to grimace, accepted the cup and downed the disgusting brew; chamomile was good for the nerves.

Wait a second, how had the Angel of Death known, where the tea-? Ah, whatever.

“Anyway, I am better now”, xe directed towards Raphael. “Thank you, my dearly detested.”

“My pleasure, my significant bother”, he replied.

.

“How much did you hear from our conversation earlier?”, Raziel asked, when they all sat back at the table.

“Everything of importance, I presume”, Asmodeus replied. “I arrived in time to hear our silly, little Archangel here scream at Uriel and everything from there. What I did not hear was an explanation for your visit in the first place. So, what gives me and Raphael the dubious honour?”

The dark blonde Archangel scowled: “It's not a dubious-”

“I'm a Prince of Hell and sibling of the Devil himself and you expect me to be happy, that five Archangels waltzed into my home and act like they own the place?”

Raziel huffed: “We just wanted to check on Raphael and see how he's doing!”

“You're lying. You hoped to see him in misery and despair, after Daddy Dearest kicked him out of Heaven. Perhaps even threaten him for doing something you didn't like.”

“I … how dare-!”

“So I'm right then.”

“We really just wanted to see him!”, Michael protested and Gabriel, Uriel and Azrael nodded in agreement. “Uriel told us that he was okay, but hearing that is one thing, seeing it with your own eyes is another.”

“Hm … that's a good point”, Asmodeus admitted. “Alright, I accept it – from you three, anyway.” Xe pointed at Michael, Uriel and Azrael. “Still, I heard what you said earlier and I have a few questions myself.”

The Archangels exchanged suspicious looks.

Finally Gabriel consented: “Ask away.”

“Well, first off, I don't believe at all, what you told my beloved nemesis earlier, about why you never told him, who I used to be.”

Raziel jumped up and snapped: “Excuse me, we told the truth, you-!”

Gabriel covered her mouth with his hand to prevent any insults.

“Did you?”, Asmodeus questioned coldly. “I don't think so. You know what I think? You knew that Raphael would lose it, if he learned, that his true love had fallen from Grace. You didn't want to deal with that, so you kept from him what he had the right to know. Now I ask you, what does that make you at the end of the day?”

“Well, why did you never tell him the truth?”, Gabriel spat defensively. “You used to be Raphael's fiancée! As you just said, he had the right to know! So why didn't you tell him?”

Raphael saw the answer coming from a mile away and sure enough-

“I hate him. Plain and simple.”

“It's not 'plain and simple'”, Michael contradicted. “You hid it from him for 6000 years-”

“I didn't hide it per se. I just didn't say it outright. After all, it was obvious. I've stopped counting all the times humans have asked me, if Raphael is my boyfriend or ex-lover. If an Archangel was too dense to get it, that's not my problem. Besides, he knows now, doesn't he?”

Michael, Gabriel, Uriel and Raziel collectively glowered at xyr. Azrael remained as placid as ever and Raphael almost laughed at the stupidity of this situation.

Asmodeus rolled xyr eyes and sighed theatrically: “I suppose you want me to be more specific. Well, then. I could spend days talking about it, but I'll just go over the essentials.”

Xe took a sip of xyr wine and then began to list: “Well, let's start with the fact that he first damned and then forgot me in the first place …”

“But that wasn't his fault”, Michael argued. “It was the Will of the Lord-”

“Wow, that makes it so much better!”, Asmodeus sneered. “Thank you, Michael! That totally makes up for going through indescribable agony, losing every last shred of sanity, dignity and innocence I once had and then meeting my old flame again, only to find that he had forgotten me, while I got to remember everything! What a comforting- oh. Oh no.”

In xyr suppressed anger, xe had accidentally melted the grip of xyr glass with Hellfire, making the wine spill all over the table cloth.

“That was a Romanée-Conti 1945!”, the Archdemon lamented.

Raphael arched an eyebrow: “Do I want to know how you got your hands on one of the rarest, most expensive wines in the world?”

Asmodeus grinned lopsidedly: “I'm the Prince of Lust, that's how!”

“Touché”, he gave in and restored table cloth, glass and wine with a miracle.

Asmodeus gave him a coy smile (it looked weird on that way too angelic face) and turned back to the others: “Now, where was I?”

“You gave us a summary of your tragic backstory”, Uriel supplied drily.

“Ah, yes, thank you. Then there are the nasty punishments he dished out to me in The Name Of God. Like, say, chaining me to the bottom of the Red Sea for a thousand years! Or that one time, he let king Solomon borrow his Heavenly Chains to catch me. Of course the list goes on and on. Not to mention that beside being the Prince of Lust, I'm also a demon of wrath, revenge and destruction. I do not forgive and forget! Certainly not!”

Xe gave Michael an underwhelmed look. “That's it, Leader of the Heavenly Host. I just explained to you in an unnecessarily detailed manner, what takes only three words to say: I hate Raphael. It really is that simple.”

Raziel frowned: “And what exactly does that have to do with not telling him who you were? You were still engaged, which makes you the person he should have learned it from!”

The Archdemon scoffed: “And give my nemesis the mercy of clarity, when I can just sit back instead and revel in his struggle with a void space in his memory, unanswered questions and feelings he doesn't understand? What do you take me for, a good guy?”

Raphael couldn't hold it in anymore and doubled over with laughter: Asmodeus, a good guy?! Hilarious!

“Also”, the Prince of Lust continued with a wintry smile, “you're in no position to judge me. None of you. In six thousand years, younever grew the spine to tell him everything either. Like I said before, all of the reasons you named earlier amount to only one thing: you're cowards. You chose the easy way out and kept him ignorant. That's pathetic, though not unexpected from the minions of a god, who rejects and abandons those, who step out of line.”

Raphael stopped laughing and frowned: “Asmodeus, that's enough-”

“THAT'S NOT TRUE!”, Uriel shouted and jumped up. “TAKE THAT BACK, YOU VILE-”

Asmodeus promptly pressed a finger to their mouth, the bold move shocking them into silence.

“Oh, but it is, my dear Angel of Knowledge! Tell me, did it never occur to any of you, that you could have handled the matter with more tact than I did? You don't think I broke it to him gently, do you?”

Raphael could tell, that the Prince of Lust was revelling in how the Archangels blanched in terror at the realisation.

Asmodeus snickered maliciously: “Of course I didn't! The only reason I gave in and told him in the first place, was that I wanted to see him suffer! And I was not disappointed! Ah, you should have seen his face, as he saw my Fallen Angel form and all of his memories came back to him! The shock, despair and heartbreak!” A happy sigh. “It was golden! The perfect revenge! One of the happiest moments in my life, I dare say!”

Raphael interfered: “That is enough. Do not taunt my fellow Archangels any further.”

“Aw, you're no fun!”, the Prince of Lust pouted, but ceased the mockery.

Before the Healing Archangel could respond, the Prince's telephone rang in the living room.

“Wait here, this could be important”, Asmodeus excused xyrself, stood up and hurried to take the call.

For a second there was more uncomfortable silence, until Gabriel turned to Astaroth: “So, how come you accompanied your sibling here? I thought you don't get along?”

She began signing.

Uriel translated: “'You thought wrong. As for why I accompanied Asmodeus here …'”

Astaroth finished signing.

“'… xe needed someone to be with xyr, who would take xyr side and I'm not fond of Beelzebub.'”

Raphael blinked: “You actually have 'xe/xyr' signs?”

The Princess of Calumny laughed voicelessly, but shook her head.

Uriel clarified: “Not yet, those were her 'they/them' signs, but she'll make up 'xe/xyr' signs, as soon as she can think of something she's not already using for something else.”

The brunet Archangel shrugged. “Okay. By the by, Astaroth …” his face darkened, “… I'd like to have a word with you, about that blackout you caused in New York the other week. There was an extraordinary amount of crimes and of accidents, especially in traffic …”

The Archduchess just whistled innocently.

“Don't you play the innocent one with me!”, Raphael warned. “What did you do that for?”

Uriel frowned: “I told you and Asmodeus that she wanted to stargaze with me. Remember?”

“Oh yeah …”, the Healing Angel muttered sheepishly. “Sorry-”

Suddenly, Asmodeus shrieked in the other room, making everyone jump.

“HOW DARE YOU CALL ME IN MY EARTHLY HOME??? HOW DARE YOU CALL ME AT ALL??? AFTER WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, YOU LITTLE- DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, YOU LITERAL SHIT-EATER!!! … I DON'T CARE, IF YOU'RE A MEMBER OF THE EVIL TRINITY, YOU'RE NOT SUPERIOR TO ME!!! … I DON'T OWE YOU JACK, BA'AL ZEVUV!!! YOU WERE THE ONE, WHO ENDED IT, SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!”

A pause.

Then Asmodeus could be heard snarling: “An emergency, you say?”

Astaroth waved at the Archangels and the group of seven snuck up to the door to eavesdrop, all of them curious about what that emergency might be.

Asmodeus was hunched over the table, clutching the speaker of the phone so tightly xe was almost crushing it.

“You just don't want to be the messenger of any bad news to me, because you don't have the spine to deal with any more of my anger! Eh, whatever. I have no time for this, Ishtar and I are dealing with six Archangels at once right now! … No, we do not need military assistance! … That's none of your business! Listen up, my Pretty -” (Never had xe spoken that pet name with so much scorn) “- you yourself said, that there was an emergency and I'm in no mood to put up with your crap! Is any of the other Princes or Demon Kings there?”

.

Beelzebub's humming voice replied: “Yes, they're here.”

Asmodeus huffed: “Give me one of them! I don't care which one, as long as it isn't you!”

Beelzebub buzzed warningly at the other end of the line, but handed the phone over to someone.

Then a hoarse, more feminine voice spoke: “Asmodeus the Fair-Eyed.”

Ah. Paimon of the Infernal Clamour¹. The Prince of Lust closed xyr eyes and composed xyrself. There was no reason to take xyr anger out on xyr fellow Demon King.

“Paimon, darling!”, Asmodeus purred into the phone. “To what do I owe the dishonour?”

“First swear that you won't scream my ear off.”

“Alright, I swear! Now spill it!”

“Yes. Remember how we started searching for His Majesty and your wife a week ago? Well … we still haven't found them.”

“WHAT DO YOU M- What do you mean, you still haven't found them?!”

“Exactly what I said! We haven't found them!”

“You're supposed to know the mysteries of the Earth! I told you a week ago to search up here!”

“We couldn't search all corners of the Earth yet! We're short on demon power, Asmodeus!”

“Are you for real?! Alright, where are you and Beelzebub right now?!”

“We're near the London Tower. The other kings and Mammon, Leviathan and Belphegor are here too.”

“Seriously? Wh-why are you all flocking together like a bunch of human teenagers???”

“There is … trouble with His Unholiness² down there.”

“Oho! Mister Tall, Dark and Cranky finally came out of his room? I'm impressed! Have you told him about the situation?”

“Yes and he wasn't happy that His Majesty and your queen have gone missing!”

“What a surprise!”

“Yeah, long story short, we'll have to crash with you for a while.”

“Wait, what?! No! Absolutely not! Didn't you hear what I told Beelzebub?! Hello? HELLO???”

There was a beep, Asmodeus slammed the speaker down and turned to the others (whose eavesdropping xe of course had noticed).

“Can you believe this?! That fucker had the audacity to hang up on me!”, xe fumed.

“And decide over your head, that all of them will crash at your place”, Raphael added. “I heard everything.”

“So Lucifer and Lilith have gone missing?”, Michael asked worriedly.

“YES!”, Asmodeus raged. “The two disappeared two months ago without a trace, we've been searching for one and those morons still haven't found them! Ishtar and I have given clear instructions, but apparently they're too stupid to even follow those! Ishtar, we're surrounded by incompetents!”

Astaroth sighed, but nodded in agreement.

“This isn't good”, the red-haired Archangel muttered, “How are we supposed to keep an eye on them, if we don't know, where they are?”

“I don't give a shit about the problems this causes for Heaven!”, Asmodeus snarled. “I'm worrying about Lilith! My queen could be in a world of trouble right now and I wouldn't even know!”

Xe tore at xyr white-and-mallow curls in distress.

.

Raphael didn't know, why his heart ached at seeing his nemesis so distraught.

Somehow he felt the urge to hug xyr (and would have, if it had been safe and the other Archangels hadn't been here).

To make it worse, Gabriel chose now of all times to ask: “Is it true, that Beelzebub br-”

Luckily (for him) Azrael covered his mouth, before he could finish.

“Timing, Gabriel!”

The gold blond Archangel made a muffled sound, but Azrael only let go, after he had fallen silent.

Michael cleared his throat: “Perhaps we should leave. We've done what we came here for and everything has been said, so there is no need to stay.”

“Indeed, that would be best.”

“Shall I leave too?”, Raphael offered (he didn't want to leave).

To his relief, the Prince of Lust shook xyr head: “Don't be silly, my loathed love, you live here!”

He smiled at xyr and was honestly surprised to receive a genuine smile in return (it looked way too much like hers).

Ashtoreth noticed and smirked knowingly.

Raphael's eyes narrowed. “What is it with you, Ashtoreth?”

Her smirk only broadened. Obviously she wouldn't tell him.

He became even more annoyed, when he saw Michael (who was putting on his jacket) smiling in a similar manner. The red-haired Archangel obviously noticed, but ignored him like a bitch and turned to Asmodeus: “Thank you for having us, Ashmedai. You had all right to kick us out and instead chose hospitality. That was very …”

“Don't say 'kind' or 'noble'”, the Prince of Lust warned. “I will not bear such usage.”

Michael chuckled: “Alright, sorry. Farewell …”

Right that second, the doorbell rang.

Asmodeus grimaced: “Wait, I've changed my mind! You five can stay, if you like. I want to see their horrified faces, when they see you of all people here.” Xe smirked. “Come on, humour me! It'll be hilarious! Uriel, you still have a bone to pick with Beelzebub, because of that thing with Ornias, don't you³?”

Uriel agreed, grinning. And one after one, the other Archangels followed.

Asmodeus has always been persuasive.

.

“My dear fellow Demon Kings!”, the Prince of Lust greeted xyr colleagues cheerfully and took time to kiss each on both cheeks; false affection was custom among Archdemons.

“Hello and welcome to my humble abode! Unfortunately, I already have a few guests, so it's a bit crowded here. I do hope you won't mind. Oh, and I will not have my pricey carpet floor ruined, so do remove your shoes. That goes for you too, Ba'al Zevuv”, xe pointedly directed at the Lord of the Flies.

Beelzebub sneered, but took zir wellies off.

“What's up with your new corporation?”, Beleth (a small Japanese-looking demoness) asked. “You don't look like a Prince of Hell at all! You look …”, her face scrunched up in disgust, “… angelic!”

Asmodeus stepped to the side to let them in and laughed: “Eh, I was in dire need of a make-over and I was feeling a little … rebellious.”

The irony of that statement made the other demons snicker.

Except for Beelzebub. Ze scowled at the hoary Archdemon: “Wait until Lucifer sees, that you made a human version of your angelic form!”

The Prince of Lust scowled back: “Hah! Still better than your tacky outfit! That Cybergoth get-up is so twelve years ago!”

“Fuck you, Asmodeus! At least I don't fraternise with-”

“Hi, Lord of the Crap Pile!”, Archangel Uriel chirped out of the blue.

“GHAAAA!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE???”

.

After everyone had recovered from their shock (or amusement), Asmodeus had seated xyr fellow demons at the dinner table together with the Archangels.

For a few moments there was only hostile silence.

Eventually it was broken by Leviathan: “Ssssooo, what are you all doing here?”

“We were visiting Raphael and didn't know that this is Asmodeus' home”, Michael explained.

“Hmmm … issss that sssso?”

The red-haired Archangel did not like the look in those bilious green eyes, as she scrutinised him.

Thankfully Asmodeus came to his aid: “It is so. I was just as surprised to find them here as you are now.”

Michael couldn't help but feel relief, when the cosmic beast finally accepted the answer.

But then Beelzebub snarled: “And what is he doing here?” Pointing at Raphael.

Oh no …

“He lives here”, Asmodeus replied candidly. “We have an arrangement. A contract, if you will.”

“An arrangement, right!”, Beelzebub spat and kept glaring at the hoary Prince of Lust.

Xe glared back. “Correct. An arrangement. An open, consensual agreement. He is my lodger and I do not mind his presence here. Which I can't say for you. You have quite some nerve showing your face here, Ba'al Zevuv.”

“Oh, I wouldn't have come here under normal circumstances, trust me!”, the Lord of the Flies hissed.

“I'm done with trusting you”, Asmodeus clipped. “Now, what do you all want? You better have a good reason to invite yourselves into my home, especially after I made clear that I do not want to see you here.”

The other Archdemons exchanged uncomfortable glances, until their eyes rested on a yellow-eyed blond (Mammon, if Michael wasn't mistaken).

Belphegor elbowed them in the side. “Come on! Tell Asmodeus what's up!”

“Why me?!”

“Because I'll rip you a new one, if you don't!”

“Alright, fine!” Mammon cleared their throat and turned to Asmodeus. “Uhh, apart from us really needing to get away from Satan-”

“I'm not letting you hide away here, until he calms down!”

“Let me finish! Uh, there is a problem, which concerns you … it's about Amaymon⁴ …”

Asmodeus' turquoise eyes narrowed to slits. “What is with Amaymon?”

“He … uh … has … escaped?”

Michael and the other Archangels shuddered at the sudden and extreme temperature drop (he had thought it only worked in Hell!) and the sickening vibes of fury emanating from the Prince of Lust.

“Escaped.” Asmodeus' eyes began to glow red. “Amaymon … has … escaped.”

The hoary demon was on the verge of snapping and Michael summoned his flaming spear, ready to fight, before xe would-

However, it didn't get that far, because Raphael's soothing aura extended and calmed everyone down, the furious Prince of Lust included.

Asmodeus gasped, as the healing energy entered xyr corporation and quelled xyr violent rage.

Though xe was still mad enough to look daggers at Raphael.

“How dare you invade my core and mess with my emotions!”

“Sorry, sorry”, he apologised. “I just can't let you level all of London in your unbridled fury! Once you get this pissed off, you abandon all self control!”

“Ugh …” Xe ran a hand through xyr white and mallow hair.

Ashtoreth came over, gave her sibling a sympathetic smile and made a few signs, which Michael (while not versed in her unique sign language) recognised as her offering the other a leave.

“What do you want in return?”, Asmodeus asked tiredly.

Ashtoreth produced a paper and responded with a few signs Michael could not interpret, so he gave Uriel a questioning look.

“She's offering Asmodeus a one year vacation, under the condition that, for the rest of this decade, 75% instead of the current 50% of the profits of xyr gambling houses go directly into the treasury of Hell”, Uriel translated telepathically.

The Prince of Lust read the paper and inhaled sharply, before signing with a sour expression.

Mammon laughed: “Giving up 25% more of your profit? You must be really desperate for a vacation-”

Their laughter ended abruptly, when two pale hands grabbed them by the throat and pinned them to the next best wall.

“Listen here, Mammon”, Asmodeus growled in xyr demonic voice. “In addition to my job as Prince of Lust, Demon King of the Second Circle and my other jobs, I've seduced people not even you could get your gilded hands on! While you keep slacking, I work my arse off till I collapse and some! Not to mention what I had to endure throughout the past seven months! I'll gladly forfeit a quarter of my profits for the next nine years, if it means I get some well-earned rest! I deserve this vacation, so get the fuck off my back!”

“Okay, whatever, just let go!”, Mammon choked.

Asmodeus rolled xyr eyes, but complied.

.

“So, is there anything else you want to pester me with, beside the news that Amaymon is free?”, Asmodeus wanted to know, after everyone had sat back down.

Paimon cleared his throat: “Ahem, some of us would like an explanation from you, for … well, several things, actually.”

“What is it?”

“Well, first off, why do you let an Archangel freeload with you inside your earthly home?”

“I am not freeloading!”, Raphael protested. “I keep the flat clean, replenish the food supplies and provide medical attention, when xe requires it! Freeloading would be, if I did none of those things and we all know that my nemesis here would never tolerate that!”

To that, Beelzebub sneered: “Oh, but those are not the only things you provide, are they?”

Raphael's eyes narrowed: “Ba'al Zevuv, if you're implying what I think you're implying, then get screwed. Oh wait – you won't! Unless you can persuade Asmodeus to take you back, which isn't going to happen anytime soon! I know about the curse Lucifer and Astaroth put on you, when they gave their approval to your relationship! Break Asmodeus' heart and you're impotent⁵ until xe forgives you, wasn't it? And now you've done it! You'll be sexually frustrated forever!”

Several of the other Archdemons jeered and cackled maniacally, while the Archangels were trying and failing not to laugh.

Asmodeus' eyes shone with glee. This was one of the things xe loved about xyr adversary: this humble, little Archangel could dish out the sickest burns, if he so chose.

For a few seconds the Prince of Gluttony was dumbstruck.

Then ze recovered.

Only to get entrapped in one of Astaroth's infamous time-out bubbles.

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???”, Beelzebub screeched. “YOU EXPECT ME TO PUT UP WITH THIS???”

Astaroth rolled her eyes and signed: “I will not let you out of there, before you have calmed down. You are Beelzebub, the Devil's Right Hand, not a human teen dick-fighting with their ex. Not to mention the six Greater Archangels, who are ready to have a swing at us, if we lash out. I will not help you, if you piss off Michael. Also, your former lover asked for no violence inside xyr home. This is Asmodeus' flat, the least you can do is to be dignified. We are gods, you and I, and I will not have you embarrass me out of jealousy towards someone you wrongfully accused of fraternising with the enemy.”

Beelzebub gawked: “'Wrongfully accused'?! Are you serious??? Asmodeus slept with the enemy! Xe fucked an Archangel!”

Asmodeus jutted xyr chin forward in proud defiance. “And? What about it?”

The other demons in the room gasped in shock.

“Whoa, hold up!”, one of them exclaimed. “You shagged an Archangeland didn't tell us?!”

The hoary Demon King scowled: “My love and sex life are nobody's business but mine.”

“Why does that tick you off anyway?”, Raphael suddenly asked Beelzebub. “Xe tempted an Angel to sin. Not that I'm an expert on demon culture, but isn't that for demons a reason to celebr-”

“IT'S FRATERNISATION WITH THE ENEMY!”, the fly demon roared inside the bubble.

Astaroth definitely wouldn't let zir out anytime soon.

Raphael scoffed: “Oh come on! Xe didn't proclaim xyr undying love, reveal any plans or tell me about the politics of Hell or crap like that! Xyr allegiance lies with Hell and nothing will ever change that! For all of Asmodeus' complaining about what a difficult leader he is, Lucifer can always be sure of xyr unwavering loyalty. Xe may sleep around, even with the likes of me, but xe would never fraternise. Ever. So take your misplaced jealousy and shove it up your behind.”

To that Beelzebub didn't seem to have an answer.

Asmodeus would never admit to being grateful for the Healing Archangel's defence. Deep down xe was, though. Quite grateful, in fact.

“Wait!”, Belphegor exclaimed, “This doesn't make any sense! If Asmodeus seduced Raphael and God knows about it, then why is Raphael still an Archangel? Shouldn't he have fallen for indulging carnal desires? Or otherwise get punished?”

That was a good question. Especially since Raphael had been fully aware of what he was consenting to at the time.

.

Raphael felt incredibly uncomfortable under the collective questioning glares of the demons, who clearly expected him to give the answer he didn't have.

To make it worse, Leviathan snickered: “Hm, what a bummer. It would've been quite ssssomething to sssee Archangel Raphael fall. Essspecially sssince Asssmodeusss worked ssso hard to make it happen!”

The Archangel knew the truth in the Beast's words: Asmodeus had been so distraught at seeing that xe had failed him to fall, that xe had broken down crying. He had spent the rest of the night and the following day trying in vain to comfort the inconsolable Archdemon.

Suddenly he was brought back to the moment by Michael's voice: “Raphael can't fall from Grace. That's impossible.”

Asmodeus arched an eyebrow. “You sure have a lot of faith in him, Michael.”

The red-haired Archangel shook his head. “No, you don't understand. It legally cannot happen. The Most High outlawed it after the Great War. The only exception were the Watchers, on account of the destruction they and their offspring wrought on Earth and mankind. But other than that, He declared, that none of His Angels should ever go through this again.”

At these news several demon princes groused in discontent, because of course they were sour about being unable to make their enemies suffer like they had.

Asmodeus xyrself remained silent for a few minutes.

Then xe addressed Raphael: “Did you know, little Archangel?”

“No.”

“I see …”

Xyr tone and expression were even, but the shoulders were just tense enough to betray the bitterness and disappointment underneath.

For the split of a second, there even was a hint of demoralisation in xyr eyes.

But it vanished just as quickly as it had appeared, as Asmodeus shrugged and smiled. “Oh well. Revenge can be accomplished in many ways. Drinks, anyone?”

The Archangels had “WTF” written all over their faces.

Several Demon Kings lifted their hands and made requests.

Beelzebub did not, but it was plain ze wanted something.

Asmodeus was obviously more observing than Raphael, because xe asked him politely to fix the requested drinks and telepathically added a disgustingly saccharine calorie bomb of a drink for Beelzebub.

Gross!, Raphael thought back. Is that zir favourite non-alcoholic drink or something? Also, why you would pamper zir like that, after ze hurt you so?

“That statement is quite rich coming from you, my loathed love.”

Touché.

The Healing Archangel went to fix everyone's drinks.

As he did so, he actually flirted with the idea of slipping an emetic into Beelzebub's drink. But he discarded the thought. It would have been too malicious. Besides, the fly demon would have noticed.

Still his inner healer died a little on the inside, as he added whipped cream to the nasty wannabe Starbucks concoction Asmodeus had requested for xyr ex-lover.

While at it, he made a similar brew (that he didn't consider poisoning) for Azrael – a peace offering to the Angel of Death.

Oh King of Kings, I know I have displeased You, but please give me the strength to deal with this!, he prayed in his mind.

(Meanwhile in Heaven The Lord, Who was watching the drama, was like: “Nope. Suffer. That's your punishment.”)

.

“He sure is compliant”, Paimon remarked, as soon as the brunet Archangel had disappeared into the kitchen.

Asmodeus shrugged: “Hm, considering that I let him live inside my home and he has two healthy legs, the least he can do is wait on me from time to time. Anyway, I'm tired of you not answering my own questions, so I'll ask for the last time: are there any good reasons for you all to pester me? Other than His Unholiness being in a bad mood and Amaymon being free? There must be, considering that Beelzebub dared to come here, so soon after our falling out.”

The Princes and Demon Kings looked between each other.

“Can we not discuss this in front of the Archangels?”, King Balaam petitioned. “They shouldn't hear what we have to tell you.”

Asmodeus saw the point. “Right. In my bedroom then. It's sound-proofed.”

“Well, gee, I wonder why”, Mammon muttered under their breath, earning themselves a fierce glare from the Prince of Lust.

Xe lead the way, the other Demon Kings and Princes of Hell followed, Astaroth with the bubbled-up Beelzebub in tow.

Once inside, Asmodeus sat on the bed and allowed Astaroth to sit next to xyr. The others could cool their heels for all xe cared. They had healthy legs.

“Let's get down to business already”, xe began and put xyr serious face on. “You told me that Amaymon is free and that Satan is throwing a hissy fit or something, but I don't believe for one second that this is the only issue. So spit it out. Amaymon's escape is certainly not the reason why you all came here together, instead of sending a messenger. And this isn't the first time Satan is grumpy.”

“But now he is grumpy extraordinaire!”, Beleth whined. “With an extra amount of rage!”

“Not my problem. I'm on vacation. You guys are on your own.”

“He levelled several Malebolge in the Eighth Circle⁶”, said Belial.

“Still not m- wait, he what?!”

“Yep. We had to evacuate the four lower circles.”

Oh no.

This was bad.

Usually Satan was kept in check by Lucifer. The Prince of Darkness had such a frigid aura that it kept the entire Ninth Circle of Hell frozen over and as a bonus cooled the Adversary's violent temper. But now that he wasn't there and Satan was in his funk …

The Prince of Lust sighed: “Look, I hate to tell you this, but with that I cannot help you. Satan listens to four people and I'm not one of them. Michael is here, maybe you can-”

“NO FUCKING WAY!!!”, the others (save Astaroth) shouted in unison.

Asmodeus craved the sweet release of death.

.

While the Archdemons were discussing infernal matters upstairs, the Archangels were still sitting in the living room.

“I find it strange how calm you are about this”, Raphael remarked upon returning with everyone's orders.

Azrael gasped in delight, when the smaller Archangel put a pumpkin spice frappuccino with extra whipped cream and cinnamon in front of her. Raphael couldn't comprehend, how she could drink that stuff, but whatever made her happier. And she did look kind of adorable, the way she was sipping at her drink, so it seemed to be working.

Michael's response pulled him back to their conversation: “… we were mad, when we found out. But when we approached The Lord about it, He told us to leave it be.”

“What.”

“We were confused too”, Uriel said. “But I guess The Most High tolerated it, because it doesn't affect His Creation. Still, though …” They sighed. “Dammit, Raphael … why?!? Why did you give into carnal desires and why did it have to be that arsehole-”

“Language!”, Michael snapped.

“No one cares, Michael! Raphael, why did it have to be Asmodeus?”

“Hey, at least with Asmodeus I know what I'm at! Xe is a villain with standards. Would you rather I had slept with a stranger instead?”, Raphael deadpanned.

“Wh-no! For Heaven's sake, Raphael, why are you like this?!”

Raphael's eyes began to glow green with anger.

“Is this why you're actually here?”, he snarled. “To accuse and tell me off over something I don't even plan on doing again?!”

“I don't know”, Michael replied coolly, “Will you never do it again? Do you at least regret what you've done?”

“The answer to that is none of your business!”

“I am the Leader of the Heavenly Host, so it is my business!”

“Not that shtick again! Just a kind reminder, I am also-”

Before he could finish his retort, Asmodeus burst back into the room.

“Alright, listen up-”, xe began, only to get tackled by several fellow Archdemons and buried under a pile of chaotic evil. While xe was trying to get rid of them, neutrally evil Leviathan strolled into the room, followed by lawfully evil Astaroth, who still had the bubbled-up Beelzebub in tow.

It looked so dumb, that Raphael couldn't help but giggle.

The other Archangels just looked on in confusion.

Gabriel addressed Astaroth: “Is this how you do things in Hell?”

She made a butter-wouldn't-melt expression and shrugged (that was her thing, apparently).

“Actually”, Asmodeus gasped, while struggling to get free, “this is exactly why Beelzebub and I – get off me, idiots! – are the only ones who get shit done!”

“It's true”, Beelzebub nodded.

Ze seemed to have calmed down enough that Astaroth deemed it safe and let zir out.

The Lord of the Flies cleared zir throat, before barking at the pile to cease their nonsense at once.

Asmodeus sighed in relief, when the other Archdemons got off xyr.

Raphael helped his nemesis up and allowed xyr to support xyrself on his arm. Surely xyr bad leg had to be hurting again from the strain.

The hoary Prince dusted off xyr clothes and glared at xyr fellow demons. “I hate you all and I hope you get dumped into Holy Water.”

“Oh that's just cold!”, mock-gasped Belial and clutched his heart. “You're wounding us!”

“I'm a cold-hearted bastard, darling.”

Truer words had never been spoken.

Asmodeus went on: “Also, since you little bitches apparently had no other business than bringing me unpleasant news and being pests inside my home, I must ask you to leave. You were never welcome here in the first place.”

“But before you all leave”, Raphael threw in, “finish your drinks, will you? I didn't prepare those brews just to flush them down the toilet later.”

And pushed the plate with the drinks across the table.

Beelzebub tilted zir head in visible surprise, when the Archangel put the dreaded concoction in front of zir, that he had prepared earlier.

Ze immediately put two and two together and threw a questioning glance at Asmodeus.

The Prince of Lust didn't respond, just folded xyr arms and made a stony face.

“It really was just a fling?”, the Lord of the Flies questioned.

“Yes”, Asmodeus and Raphael replied in unison.

.

Asmodeus nearly fell off xyr chair in surprise, when xe saw a flash run through Beelzebub's dark brown eyes.

Remorse.

When had been the last time the Lord of the Flies, Lucifer's right hand, had actually felt sorry about something? 2500 years? Or more! Not that the Prince of Lust was any better, but still!

To top it off, Beelzebub asked telepathically: “What do I have to do for you to take me back?”

Asmodeus felt a sting of wrath in xyr heart, but contained xyrself.

“Ask me that question in two, three hundred years”, xe responded. “And then I might consider it, my pretty.”

Though xe knew better than to think that xyr grudge against Beelzebub would last that long.

Fuck those disgusting feelings …

Purson spoke up: “I still can't believe you fucked an Archangel of all-”

“We get it, you can't get over how I fucked Raphael, shut up and mind your own business!”, the Prince of Lust snapped. Xe was just so done with everyone's bullshit right now!

“Whoa, easy! I just wanted to say congrats! Like, damn! I always knew you're in a league of your own, but holy shit! You're a special kind of crazy!”

Asmodeus smirked. “You know it, darling!”, xe purred and revelled in the hateful glares coming from the Archangels.

“Was he any good?”, Beleth asked curiously.

Asmodeus cooed sweetly: “That, kitten, is for me to know and for you to never find out.”

The other Archdemons groaned in disappointment.

Raphael, who had hidden his face behind his head wings, unfolded them and sighed in relief.

Asmodeus was almost amused by how flustered he was about it, after he had given xyr such a good time. And that meant something coming from the Prince of Lust.

Still, if xe went on about how amazing it had been, the other Archdemons might get ideas and Asmodeus couldn't have that.

The others finished their beverages and just as Asmodeus was about to finally shove them out for real, xyr phone rang.

“Just a moment”, xe sighed, before limping into the living room.

The name displayed on the screen made xyr scowl, as xe picked up.

“Oh, so now His Majesty finally deigns to let us hear from him, huh?! Where the Heavens have you been?!”, xe immediately spat into the phone. “You were gone for two months, you didn't leave a note, there is some serious shit going on down there and-”

“Love you too, my Polar Star”, a male voice chuckled into the phone. “Though I would hardly say, that two months are a long time-”

“Lucifer!!!”

“Alright, alright!”, the Morning Star laughed at the other end. “Calm down! Distress doesn't suit you at all! Why won't we get rid of that? Pour your heart out.”

Absolutely not! Xe would tell him the general problems, but no matters of xyr heart!

“First off: Satan is throwing a tantrum and destroyed half of the Eighth Circle.”

“Already dealt with that and the Malebolge are restored too.”

“Secondly: Amaymon has escaped.”

“Lilith and I already caught him.”

“Thirdly: several of the Angels of The Presence are with me, including Michael.”

“… I'll be there in a moment.”

“Wait-”

“Ciao.”Then he hung up.

Why, that old-!

And of course everyone had been eavesdropping again, while xe had been on the phone.

“What's with you all being so fucking nosy!”, Asmodeus spat. “Also, congratulations! The Morning Star is coming! Thanks a lot for invading my privacy, prompting Lucifer himself to come here and pestering me for hours on end, when I was already in a bad mood! Such considerate people you are, all of you! And I can't even kick you out now, because he'll want to find you here, when he arrives! And I didn't even get to ask him, if Lilith is okay!”

Right now xe just wanted to curl up in xyr bed and cry for months (and that was one of xyr healthier coping mechanisms).

No such luck, as usual.

A sudden baleful presence announced the arrival of the Prince of Darkness. Some of the Demon Kings and Princes of Hell squirmed from the painfully heavy pressure and the Archangels readied themselves for a fight.

The doorbell rang.

Well, at least he has the courtesy to not just bust in like-

“HI, BITCHES! THE DEVIL IS HERE!!!”, Lucifer shouted, as the door flew open.

.

Astaroth frowned at her twin brother, as he strode in and made the atmosphere infinitely worse than it already was.

“Brother, what the fuck”, she signed. “What's with that entrance?”

Lucifer laughed and signed back: “I will explain it, my dear Evening Star. If you explain to me, what is going on.”

The Princess of Calumny huffed, but complied: “It started with Asmodeus having a falling-out with Beelzebub, they discorporated each other, hence the new shapes, and Beelzebub broke Asmodeus' good leg and heart and xe decided, that xe wanted to be away from Hell, so I accompanied xyr here. And we found the Archangel Raphael having strife with his colleagues over there.”

She pointed at the Archangel group.

Lucifer's amber eyes narrowed, as they fell on Michael, who glowered back.

Astaroth could taste how close the two were to duking it out.

Until Asmodeus blurted out: “Lucifer, where is Lilith? Where is my wife?”

There was a nigh unnoticeable hint of desperation in the Prince's voice – enough to get the Morning Star's full attention. Lucifer's gaze softened just a tad.

“Be not distressed, my North Star”, he assured xyr, in that specific gentle tone that was reserved for Asmodeus alone (for reasons), “Lilith is okay. She was with me the entire time. She'll be here in a moment, she just made a b-line to the bakery across the street to get you your favourite sweets.”

At hearing that Lilith was fine, Asmodeus made a choked sound that sounded suspiciously like a sob. Astaroth frowned a little, but otherwise didn't show just how painful it was for her to see xyr like this.

The Archangel Raphael now decided to be a gentleman (in front of the Devil no less – that little healer sure had balls) and offered the Prince of Lust a chair, which xe took gratefully.

Meanwhile Lucifer raised an eyebrow at the rest of the Archdemons and beckoned them closer with a finger.

Astaroth could see the lecture coming from a universe away and sure enough …

“I was away for two months and you good-for-nothings managed to drive Asmodeus to the brink of a mental breakdown. What did you do?”

“Wedidn't do anything!”, Belphegor protested. “It was theirfault!” And pointed at the Archangels.

(“Bitch!?!”, Uriel spat and Astaroth almost laughed)

Lucifer's eyes narrowed. Obviously he didn't buy it, so he looked at Astaroth for answers.

The Archduchess answered telepathically: “What happened was this: you and Lilith went missing, the denizens of Hell got antsy and there was more work than usual for us to do. I, Beelzebub and Asmodeus managed to re-establish order, but then Satan had a fit, because you were gone – man, that bitch is so clingy towards you – and destroyed half of the Eighth Circle and the other Demon Kings had to evacuate the lower four circles-”

A high-pitched scream startled them all.

Asmodeus was running across the room, right into the arms of Lilith. She just had time to set her bags down, before getting tackled by her spouse. Lilith looked rather overwhelmed, as her husband cried into her shoulder, but hugged back and mumbled soothing words.

“Lily, I was so worried!”, Asmodeus sobbed. “You were gone without notice, I didn't know where you were, the worst scenarios were going through my head-”

“There, there”, Lilith cooed and pet her spouse's hair. “I'm fine, as you can see.”

Astaroth frowned at the scene, then threw a hateful glance at Lucifer and the Archangel Raphael.

This was their fault.

If Lucifer hadn't run off and dragged Lilith along, Asmodeus wouldn't have spent the last two months being a nervous wreck.

If Raphael hadn't slept with Asmodeus, Beelzebub wouldn't have flipped zir shit and broken Asmodeus' heart by ending their relationship.

And if Raphael hadn't broken Asmodeus' heart by forgetting xyr six thousand years ago, the Prince of Lust wouldn't have become the monster xe was.

And if God hadn't decided to delete everyone's memories, except for a few (including Asmodeus and Astaroth herself), Raphael wouldn't have forgotten Yehudiel in the first place.

Ah.

In the end it was God's fault.

Fuck You, Dad. Fuck You, till You puke out Your spine, if You even have one.

.

Raphael didn't need to read Ashtoreth's mind to know that she was blaming him for the whole mess, or at least for a part of it. Her angry aura said it all.

Meanwhile Lucifer was watching the scene with folded arms, but other than that showed no disapproval.

Raphael also noticed, how the fallen Morning Star pointedly ignored his enemy Michael. Guess he had nothing to say to the red-haired Archangel in a “peaceful” situation.

Eventually Asmodeus stopped crying and Lucifer handed xyr a box of tissues to dry xyr face.

“Try to contain yourself in front of the enemy next time”, the Devil chided. “It's unbecoming of a Prince of Hell and Demon King to be so emotional.”

Asmodeus nodded and apologised.

That wasn't right; xe shouldn't have to apologise! It was Lucifer's fault that Asmodeus was so emotional! Ashtoreth clearly thought the same: she tapped her twin on the shoulder and made a few furious signs (some of which Raphael was pretty sure were profanities).

Lucifer didn't seem to be offended, though. Instead he chuckled: “Do not be so incensed, lovely Archduchess. I simply reminded my Prince of Lust, that ze is more dignified than this.”

“Xe”, Asmodeus corrected, while dabbing at xyr eyes. “My pronouns are 'xe/xyr' now.”

“That xe is more dignified than this”, Lucifer amended his statement.

Good to know, he respects people's pronouns, but does he always address his twin-sister like that, it's creepy – oh no, he's looking at me!

“I can hear your inner monologuing, Archangel Raphael. You should learn to think quietly.”

“I'm surprised you even bothered to remember my name, Mr. Superiority Complex”, the Healer retorted.

Lucifer laughed: “'Mr. Superiority Complex', that's a good one! You're funny, Raphael! Now I can see why Asmodeus is so fond of you! I never understood why xe keeps calling you things like 'loathed love' or 'beloved nemesis', but now I do! Oh, this is fantastic!”

Asmodeus facepalmed in the background.

The Healing Archangel would never admit – especially not in front of the Devil – that his heart skipped a beat at hearing this. Damned feelings …

“But enough of the fun”, Lucifer continued. “There are still a few things you need to tell me. Starting with what the Archangel Michael and his posse are doing here-”

Uriel growled and drew their sword. “We are not Michael's posse, you motherfucking-”

“Now, now”, Lucifer cooed, like the condescending arsehole he was, “There is no need for such language! But either way, you still owe me an explanation.”

“We owe you nothing, you-”

“This is my sibling's earthly home”, Lucifer cut them off. “You do not belong here. What business could you possibly have with Asmodeus, that requires a personal visit from you? You're not intending to harm my dear Prince of Lust, are you?” His aura grew threatening. “You must understand that as xyr loving older brother, I cannot and will not allow that.”

Michael pointed his Heavenly Spear at the Prince of Darkness. “And I will not allow you to harm my fellow Archangels.”

The Morning Star hummed and summoned a bunch of shadowy blades: “Hm, we'll see about that-”

“STOP!”, Asmodeus shouted and stepped between them. “All of you, put your weapons away. Lucifer, they didn't know that this is my flat, nor did they have business with me. Their intend was to visit Raphael and discuss a few things with him.”

“It's true”, Azrael confirmed.

Lucifer seemed to believe it from the Angel of Death; but while he sheathed his blades, his aura remained tense. “Hm. But that implies that Raphael was here separately. Why is that?”

“I live here”, Raphael explained. “Asmodeus is my landlord.”

“That much is clear, but why? You're xyr nemesis, so surely you will understand my suspicion.”

“Believe me, I do”, the brunet Archangel assured him, “But I will not presume to know Asmodeus' motives, unless xe tells them to me. Xe can answer that question better.”

“Hm, I suppose you have a point. Asmodeus?”

The hoary Prince chose to be vague: “We have an arrangement. A contract, if you will.”

The Devil hummed pensively. “And what could you possibly gain from having a contract with your archenemy? I know your generosity, but that is a bit odd even for you! Won't you satisfy my curiosity, my Prince?”

With an unsettling smile, Asmodeus replied: “There isn't much to it, my liege. It's favours for favours. What kind of favours depends on my mood. And so far he's been nothing but well-behaved in my home. This silly, little Archangel has surprisingly much to offer …”

“Like his qualities in bed?”, Lucifer teased.

“Wait, you knew?”, Beelzebub cried from the background, before Asmodeus could protest.

“Obviously!”, the Morning Star laughed. “My dear Prince of Lust has no secrets from me! Sadly xe stormed off, before I could commend xyr achievement.”

Asmodeus blinked. “What?”

“But of course! Raphael may not have fallen from Grace, but you tempted him to sin! Who else would have the skill and the gall? Well done, my dear sibling!” Lucifer dabbed away a fake tear, made a flourishing bow and kissed xyr hand. “Seducing an Archangel! I'm so proud!”

The Prince of Lust grinned lopsidedly.

Raphael let xyr have this. Xyr day had been so bad, xe deserved some positive feedback (and he was feeling petty). That was the least Lucifer could do, considering it was 40% his fault, that Asmodeus was so upset.

“I heard that, Raphael”, Lucifer said sharply and turned to Asmodeus. “Now tell me, Asmodeus, who is responsible for the other 60% of your upset?”

.

Asmodeus didn't want to reply, but Astaroth, telltale that she was, was all too happy to tell her twin-brother all about it.

She signed: “25% Beelzebub, 10% the other demons, 10% the Archangels and 15% Amaymon having escaped his prison.”

That was … a pretty accurate assessment.

The Morning Star smiled mildly. “Well, worry no more. I will take our rascals here back to Hell with me. And once we're there, Beelzebub, you can explain to me, why you broke my dear North Star's heart, even though I had warned you not to. As for you, Asmodeus, I expect you back to work next Monday.”

Oh hell no!

“I hate to disappoint you, but I'm on vacation”, Asmodeus informed xyr older brother. “Astarte has given me a year leave.”

The Morning Star raised an eyebrow at Astaroth: “You did, Evening Star? Without consulting me first?”

Astaroth smiled sweetly and via sign language explained the deal she and Asmodeus had made.

Lucifer smirked like a fucking arsehole. “Oh, in that case, splendid, Ishtar! This is why you're my treasurer! Aw, now don't make such a sour face, Asmodeus! Given how much profit your gambling houses make, you're still loaded with only 25% going into your pocket! Besides, it's only for ten years and for one of them you won't even have to work! I'm sure Mammon will gladly take charge of the casinos, while you're gone!”

Asmodeus groaned. Xe already dreaded thinking about the state xe would find xyr finances in, when xe returned. Mammon wasn't the Prince of Greed for nothing and they weren't above stealing from their fellow Princes, if they felt they could get away with it.

Xe fixed the golden-haired demon with a fierce glare. “If I come back and anything is missing, you're dead.”

“Pfff, you can't kill me, I'm the personification of material wealth-”

“MAMMON!!!”

“Okay, okay! Yeesh!”

Lucifer smiled: “Right! Now that this is settled, let's go back! Oh, and by the way; Amaymon won't be an issue anymore. He has been sealed away in Abaddon's pit, where he belongs.”

Asmodeus almost fainted from sheer relief.

The Morning Star went on: “Lilith and I struck a deal with Abaddon to make sure that piece of dirt won't escape again. Speaking of which …”, he turned to the other Archdemons with a wintry smile, “… we were quite displeased to find him out and about! So you lot better come up with a good explanation why, by the time we're back in Hell.”

Now Lucifer turned to Michael and the other Archangels. “And if you have no other business here-”

“They were already leaving, before you came”, Asmodeus informed him and added pointedly: “Weren't you, guys?”

.

Raphael prayed to The Name, that his colleagues would say yes. Just like Asmodeus, he was desperate for some peace and quiet and for everyone to just get the heck out of here.

“We were”, Michael spoke for all of them.

Oh thank You, Glorious Lord of the Hosts, thank You, thank You, thank You-

“But can we leave Raphael-”

Are you fucking kidding me?!

“Stop right there, Michael!”, Raphael spat, “Normally it would be fine, if you're uncomfortable leaving one of your fellow Archangels alone with a dozen insanely powerful demons and the Devil himself. But as it is, you're not entitled to suddenly act, like you didn't insult the home owner earlier, or lied to me for six thousand years-”

“Did not!”, Gabriel snapped back.

“Did too! And I'm sure Mr. 'Tall, Dark and Rebellious' would love to hear all about it!”

“Certainly!”, Lucifer laughed. “But alas, there are things to do, so I'm taking my comrades back to Hell with me. We're leaving. Provided, little Healer, you assure me that my dear Prince of Lust and Lilith will be safe and sound.”

“Gee, thanks, Lucifer”, Asmodeus drawled. “It warms my icy heart, knowing that I do a good enough job for you to not want to replace me just yet.”

Raphael frowned: the Prince of Lust was often ironic, but rarely cynical. If xe got cynical, it meant xe was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

The Morning Star clearly knew that too (and he better, he was xyr older brother after all): “Wow, you really need this vacation, don't you? Yes, you do. Your make-up is all ruined and I can see the frowning wrinkles and dark rims around your eyes underneath your perfect corporation and your glamour. Plus, your eyes are a bit too puffy. Did you cry before everyone came?”

“Huh?!” Asmodeus grabbed a mirror and checked xyr face. Only to cry out in shock and avert xyr eyes, as if xyr own reflection was the ugliest thing xe had ever seen.

“Oh Satan! I look hideous! Why didn't anyone point this out to me before?!”

“I did!”, Uriel piped up and was pinched by Michael.

“It's not that bad”, Raphael tried to comfort xyr.

“Not that bad?!”, Asmodeus hissed, “I look like a depressed clown! This is awful! I can never be seen in public again!”

Lucifer smirked lopsidedly: “Now, don't catastrophise everything. A good ol' leave will fix it in no time. But one year won't do it. I'll extend it to ten years.”

“But-”

“You need time to relax and recharge”, Lucifer reasoned. “Don't worry about your duties. The other Demon Kings and Princes will shoulder them in the meantime. For the next ten years, your only responsibility will be you. Of course your leave will be paid in full.”

“But-!”

“I insist that you rest for once. Forget all obligations. Just take care of yourself and have fun. Spoil yourself to your wicked heart's content! Won't you do that for me, love?”

Love?! Who the hell called their sibling “love”?!

Asmodeus mustered a lopsided grin and purred: “Ah, how could I refuse, when you talk so sweetly? Well then. Your wish be my command, my radiant sovereign.”

“Splendid!”, Lucifer smiled and gave xyr an embrace and a kiss on both cheeks. “There's my Asmodeus.”

How weirdly intimate and affectionate. Was that normal in Hell, or was that just those two being their creepy, corrupt selves?

Lucifer clapped his hands and opened a portal to Hell.

“Now, off and back home with you all!”, he said to the other Princes and Demon Kings. “Shoo!”

Most of them hurried through the portal.

But before Mammon could leave, Raphael called: “Hey, Mammon! I've got something for you!”

The Prince of Greed stopped. “Hm? What is it?”

Only to cry out in shock and pain, when the brunet Archangel sucker-punched them in the jaw.

“Payback for the situation in the United States, bitch!”, Raphael growled, as Mammon spat out black blood. “Now fuck off.”

Mammon growled ferociously: “Oh, you will pay for this! Just you wait!” Before hopping through the portal and returning to Hell.

Lucifer arched an eyebrow. “I see, Asmodeus wasn't joking, when xe said you're a feisty one.”

Raphael mirrored his expression: “I sure hope so, otherwise I'd be dead.”

“Oh certainly. Perhaps even worse.” A nasty grimace of a smile crept onto Lucifer's face. “My beautiful Prince of Lust has quite the stories to tell about such things.”

As if that reminder was necessary …

Now Lucifer finally turned to Michael: “Well, it was a displeasure to see you here. See you around, Archbitch.”

“Likewise, Luci-fuck”, Michael retorted.

(“Oh, but I'm not allowed to say the f-word, huh?”, Uriel muttered to themselves, and Raphael suppressed a giggle; that pun would never not be funny.)

The Morning Star gave Michael an unimpressed look, before turning back to Asmodeus: “Lilith and my sister will stay with you to ensure you'll be alright. But you can always call me, if you need something.”

“Lucifer, I'll be fine.”

“Sure you will, but Ishtar will stay with you and that's my last word. Love your new corporation, by the way – it really brings back fond memories.”

“I-”

“Keep your chin up, sweetheart. I will come to visit you from time to time.”

“Call me at least two days beforehand”, Asmodeus gave up.

“Of course”, he chuckled, kissed xyr (on the mouth! What the frick?) and ruffled xyr head. “My little control freak.”

Then he followed the other Archdemons back to Hell and closed the portal behind himself.

.

“Fucking arsehole”, the Prince of Lust muttered, as soon as Lucifer was gone.

Astaroth put a hand on xyr shoulder and felt the muscles of xyr corporation tense up; she could tell, xe was forcing xyrself not to show weakness and lean in.

The younger demon sighed: “I'm fine, In- Ishtar. Worry not.”

Inanna. Xe had almost called her Inanna.

That was all the hint she needed to throw a killer glare and a snarl at the Archangel troop.

Get out.

Michael the Archbitch cleared his throat: “We'll be gone for real now. We've overstayed our welcome anyway.”

About fucking time …

“That you have”, Asmodeus agreed and went to hold the door open for them. “Not that you even were welcome. Coming here, unannounced, just to pester an exiled Archangel and a fallen one. Not to mention the fight I and Astaroth walked in on. Raphael is clearly still angry at you. So I speak not only for me, but also for him, when I say: get out. And don't show yourselves around here ever again.”

Astaroth and Lilith nodded in agreement.

“Gladly! Also, screw you!”, Raziel snapped back and strode across the foyer towards the stairwell. Very mature.

Gabriel had the courtesy to apologise on her behalf, before hurrying after her.

Azrael bid Raphael and the three demons goodbye (she even graced Raphael with a cute little smile – seemed like her grudges had flown now) and followed the other two.

Uriel was oddly silent and crestfallen – Astaroth couldn't help but worry – as they waved at everyone. They moved to embrace Raphael, but stopped themselves – even though the brunet Archangel clearly wouldn't have minded the hug.

“Bye-bye”, they said softly and left as well.

Astaroth made note to check on them later. Once Asmodeus was okay, of course.

Eventually Michael was lingering in the doorway by himself, much to Asmodeus' increasing frustration.

“Leader of the Heavenly Host, if you have something to say, make it quick, because I'm not a page boy and my leg is starting to hurt.”

“Right. But Raphael-”

Asmodeus cut him off: “If you want to see him, call at least two days in advance and ask. That's common courtesy and if lowly humans can practise it, then so can you. At least my fellow Princes called me, before they showed up here. Hell, even I don't walk into Raphael's room without knocking and waiting until he invites me in!”

“It's true”, the little healer confirmed coolly. “And no, I do not want to talk to you in the near future, Michael.”

The Warrior Archangel frowned: “Now, don't be unreasonable-”

“UNREASONABLE??? YOU LIED TO ME FOR SIX THOUSAND YEARS AND UNLESS YOU GIVE ME AN APOLOGY, DON'T COME TO ME!!! EVEN ASMODEUS APOLOGISED TO ME LATER ON AND XE IS MY FUCKING ARCH-ENEMY!!! I UNDERSTAND THAT AZRAEL WAS TOO MAD AT ME TO TELL ME THE TRUTH, BUT WHAT DID I DO TO YOU TO DESERVE BEING STABBED IN THE BACK LIKE THIS??? LEAVE! LEAVE!!!”

Michael opened his mouth to say something, but Asmodeus shoved him out into the foyer and slammed the door into his face.

.

Finally.

Everyone was gone.

Now it was just Asmodeus, Lilith, Astaroth and Raphael.

For a few minutes, there was silence inside the flat.

Well, aside from Raphael's heavy breathing and the occasional suppressed sob.

Asmodeus could sympathise with that.

Xe felt like crying too.

Xe too felt completely overwhelmed and probably would be mentally and physically exhausted for years to come.

When the little Archangel finally calmed down enough, he cleared his throat.

“Sorry for the yelling. I don't know what came over me.”

Lilith was the one to reply: “Well, we weren't the ones you screamed at, so it's fine. I guess. I haven't the faintest idea, what's going on.”

Asmodeus groaned: “You're not missing anything, my queen. Trust me.”

Lilith nodded, took xyr in her arms and the Prince of Lust immediately melted into her embrace.

This felt so good.

Xe had missed this so much.

If only they could stay like this until the end of days …

“I love you”, xe whispered into her ear. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Lilith hooted softly in response and stroked xyr back.

After a while, an 'Ahem' startled them.

Raphael was standing there with folded arms, but a gentler look in his eyes than Asmodeus was comfortable with. Xe didn't want to know, what the brunet was feeling or thinking right now. Knowing him, something sickeningly corny.

“I'll be up in my room”, he announced. “If any of you needs something, feel free to call me.”

“I think we'll be good”, Asmodeus declined. “You should get some rest, my dearly detested. I will too. This was a trying day for all of us.”

Not for Astaroth probably, but whatever.

Raphael nodded gratefully and turned to go upstairs. “Right. You three have fun-”

“Wait!”, cried Lilith.

The brunet Archangel turned back to them. “Hm?”

Asmodeus could hear Lilith's smirk, as she asked Raphael: “Actually, why don't you watch some horror films with us?”

The Prince of Lust could tell, what xyr wife was playing at, and grinned in kind.

The Archangel, seemingly oblivious, agreed: “Sure, why not?”

.

Later, as the four were sitting in front of the TV, Raphael could feel the eyes of the three demons on himself. Which made him increasingly uncomfortable.

Finally he inquired, what the matter was.

Lilith's smirk broadened.

“So, you fucked my spouse, hm? Tell me, how was it?”

Raphael groaned in despair and hid his face beneath his head wings, as Asmodeus snickered with glee and Astaroth bent forward, clearly just as eager to hear everything from his point of view.

This would be a long night.

.

---

.

1) According to the Ars Goetia, Paimon is one of the Kings of Hell. He is described as having a loud voice and roars, when summoned, unless the summoner compels him to speak more quietly, or in an otherwise different manner. He is often accompanied by a whole host of demons playing cymbals, trumpets and all kinds of musical instruments. That's how I came up with the "Of the Infernal Clamour"-epithet (I had several other ideas, but this one was my favourite). (Asmodeus' epithet "Fair-Eyed" refers to xyr remarkable, bright turquoise eyes) According to the Goetia and several other grimoires, he teaches arts, philosophies, sciences and the mysteries of the Earth, wind and water, what and where the mind is, brings good familiars and binds people to the conjurer's will. He is described as wearing a precious crown, riding a dromedar and having a feminine-looking face, while still using masculine pronouns, which gave me the idea to make him a trans male demon. :)

2) "His Unholiness" refers to Satan, who in my version is a figure separate from Lucifer. ("His Majesty" is obviously Lucifer himself)

3) In the Testament of Solomon, Ornias claims to be the child of Uriel. Obviously that doesn't make much sense, as Uriel is an Archangel and therefore shouldn't have had any children. Unless you take into consideration, that in the same source Beelzebub mentions that ze is the one who manifests demons out of the most unusual things (seriously, read the Testament of Solomon: some of the demons claim the wackiest origins). My headcanon (so that things make more sense) is that Beelzebub stole a feather from one of Uriel's wings and turned it into a demon as a practical joke (at Uriel's expense, obviously). So Uriel has a personal vendetta against Beelzebub for the very much unwanted "surprise child".

4) Amaymon is a Prince of Hell and, according to several grimoirs the Demon King of the South. According to the Lesser Key of Solomon, he is the only one with power over Asmodeus and will appear in the other's stead, if Asmodeus isn't summoned correctly, and will deceive the summoner and ruin all of their work. Summoners of Amaymon must wear a blessed silver ring on their middle finger as protection against his toxic breath. In my canon he has been incarcerated by Lucifer for reasons I won't reveal in this story. Asmodeus has a personal grievance against him and hates him with abandon.

5) A very ironic curse, since Beelzebub and Astaroth are both canonically based on Semitic fertility deities. So here a former fertility goddess cursed a former fertility god with conditional sterility.

6) In Dante's Inferno, the Eighth Circle of Hell (the Circle of Fraud) is divided into ten ditches named the Malebolge ("Ditches of Evil"). In each Malebolgia a different kind of fraud is punished in different horrible ways. People punished in that circle include: panderers, seducers, flatterers, simoniacs, sorcerers/fortune tellers, barrators, hypocrites, thieves, fraudulent counsellors, sowers of discord and falsifiers (perjurers, alchemists, imposters & counterfeiters).

Bonus: Yes, Rapahel and Asmodeus fucked. Deal with it.