#one of the guys was dealing with a new aspect of grief for their deaths and having Ray in the room with them helped

[missjoolee]

Ray has always been a bit scatterbrained. It was honestly one of the traits that endeared his sweet Rose to him when they were dating, and teasing him as he searched for an item he just had was one of her favorite past times during their marriage. But after she died, it got worse. All thanks to the insomnia. As if suddenly being a single parent wasn’t difficult enough, suddenly he was misplacing his keys, resulting in being consistently late to things. He would forget to go grocery shopping and they ordered pizza way too often. He constantly had Victoria and other well meaning people asking if everything was okay? Did he need help?

He just needed some sleep. But each night he would lay down, toss and turn, doze for an hour or two and then be wide awake for hours. The only upside was he was awake when Carlos or Julie needed him, overwhelmed by their grief in the dark of night during those first months.

As time passed, as they healed together, things got easier. He learned to buy tomato sauce and spaghetti in bulk for the times he forgot to go grocery shopping, and he’d finally given in to Victoria’s offers of help with meals as well. He still misplaced things more often than before, but his kids, his beautiful kids, helped him out wearing the same teasing smirks his Rose used to give him. And slowly, he was sleeping longer, deeper, than he had in months.

It’s when Julie gets kicked out of the music program that he starts having sleepless nights again. It’s been difficult watching her struggle with music all this time, but he didn’t realize how much he was struggling watching it, not knowing how to help her, until the school made their decision.

It’s different from before. For starters, it’s not every night, it wasn’t even that first night after Julie had started cleaning out the garage. And even when he heard her play the next morning, and he felt more peace and relief than he had in forever, he still would find himself unable to fall asleep some nights. Victoria notices the bags under his eyes and he can tell she’s worried that he’s backsliding in his progress, so he is quick to assure her it’s not the same this time. It feels like when he was there for his kids, even though he’s alone. He will toss and turn until finally giving up and walking down into the kitchen or into the den to his home computer. He talks to Rose sometimes, other times just musing his thoughts aloud. And the strange thing is eventually, almost like a physical feeling, he knows he can go back to his bed and will sleep through the rest of the night.

It’s one such night as he has given in to make a middle of the night grilled cheese, narrating what he has learned the past year to do and not do to get the perfect sandwich, that he hears the gentle thumps of Julie’s footsteps coming down the stairs. He can tell because Carlos practically does a control fall down the stairs he moves so fast, while Julie usually isn’t in any rush.

“Everything okay, Julie?” he asks before she’s even rounded the banister. He slides the spatula under the grilled cheese and lifts it over to the plate he has waiting.

“Yeah. Just getting a glass of wa-” she cuts off as she rounds the corner, staring at the counter opposite the stove. Her gaze lingers for a long moment, before moving to the sandwich he was now cutting in half into triangles. “-ter. Everything okay here?”

“Yeah. Just felt like a late night snack. Want half?” he offers.

She smiles but shakes her head, gaze drifting back to the counter across from him, before she makes her way over to the sink to fill a glass with water. “No thanks. Just water for me tonight.”

Ray shrugs, taking a bite. He leans against the counter and watches his daughter, his heart swelling at the huge steps she’s taken these past weeks. As she turns back, he reaches out to intercept her, pulling her to his side with one arm. He places a kiss on the top of her head. “I am so proud of you, Mija.”

Her arm squeezes him back, not letting go as she drinks her water and he eats his sandwich, both looking forward across the stove and counter both lost in their own thoughts. Suddenly a giant smiles grows on her face and she looks up at him. “You’re a good dad. I’m lucky you’re mine.”

“I’m the lucky one to have such great kids. Where did that come from?” She steps out from his side and grabs the second half of his sandwich.

“It’s late, Papi. You should go to sleep.”

He opens his mouth to argue, but then that feeling overtakes him. The one that says he’ll be able to fall asleep. “I think you mean we should go to sleep. It’s a school night.”

She laughs at him as she bites into the sandwich and heads for the stairs.

[ckiine]

Character studies....(Kind of)

A/N - Hello everyone. Hope everyone is doing well. New Years is around the corners but something else entirely might come knocking at our door so please mask up everybody!

So a few random things came to mind about DC characters.

Goshyo Aoyama has stated in interviews that he likes "strong women" and frankly speaking he has delivered that in various forms. Ran, Kazuha, Sera, Haibara, Eri, Satou and even Yumi not to be taken lightly. While this can be elaborated upon but this post focuses is on the DC men (a few).

Hats off Wataru Takagi is the best man in the entire series.

He is responsible, committed, understanding, loyal and extremely well balanced and patient. He knows how to deal with his personal life, but uphold his duties at the same time. In this aspect, I feel Shinichi, Akai and Amuro lose.

Takagi's journey of winning over Satou is actually very difficult. The loss of her father and Matsuda-kun in the line of duty is terribly painful. She actually saw her father dying and Matsuda was literally blown to pieces right in front of her eyes. Talk about trauma. She knows the hazards of the job which would make anyone reluctant in getting into a relationship with a person who is on field with you. We also see her fear of losing Takagi throughout the series which is also heavily explored in the 25th Movie.

Takagi is understanding of this aspect and doesn't rush her (unlike Shiratori. Shiratori is ready to wait for her but he wanted a permanent mark over her, like an engagement or something. (explored in a Manga case)).

When Takagi comes to know about Matsuda-kun, he completely understands his own position and most of all does not make empty promises. He understands her grief and is patient with her.

The best part is, when they formally enter a relationship, Takagi is fully ready to take all responsibility. He dates her with all the intensions of marriage and living a long healthy life with her. Not to mention he is such a gentleman. He completely lets Yumi and even the detective boys tease him without any signs of aggression.

I genuinely feel that Takagi as a man definitely raises the bar quite high.

Shinichi and Akai on the other hand are the 'sacrificial' type of men. They are so used to logically thinking of things that, even when they are correct it is not always the best outcome.

Shinichi feels like he alone should face the danger and keep everyone safe. He feels its his duty and responsibility. He keeps too many secrets and not just from Ran, he even does that with Hattori. Shinichi talking about the BO with him is quite rare.

Same with Akai, him faking his death like that was genuinely a huge blow to the FBI, not to mention even his mother and sister too believe him to be dead. It must take a huge amount of mental fortitude to willingly subject your loved ones through such grief.

It makes me think these two men need incredibly patient, loving and understanding women as life partners. This trait is certainly fulfilled by Ran and Akemi on a huge extent.

At the start of the series Ran and Shinichi are not dating, heck they don't even know that they have mutual feelings for one another. But even then Ran is uncomplaining over his vague promise of "wait for me." {This can be elaborated upon}.

Akemi on the other hand knew of Akai's intensions, but even then chooses to love him wholeheartedly. She would be the first one to die if Akai ever gets found out (which eventually happens). Despite his deception Akemi accepts him completely and even plays along with it (until its ends up getting revealed by Camel). Needless to say Akai does truly ends up falling for her as well.

For now that's all. There is more obviously but we can have few more posts for that later. Please comment and let me know what do you guys think. I wanted to add more characters but as I said, we can have more posts later!

I don't know if anyone is looking forward to this or not but the next fanfic is going to be Akai and Akemi. I hope you look forwards to it.

Though in all honesty I don't know when

[denimbex1986]

'3.5 stars out of 4

Andrew Haigh’s latest film “All of Us Strangers” is a gentle and intimate personal ghost story about loss, grief, loneliness, and love. Starting with a supernatural story premise, the movie gradually delves into the troubled state of mind of its lonely hero via its delicate mood and loving details, and it is quite touching to see how its hero comes to deal with his longtime emotional issues along the story.

At the beginning, the movie succinctly establishes the lonely and isolated daily life of Adam (Andrew Scott), a TV writer who has been going nowhere in writing a new screenplay. While he is struggling during another day without much progress at his small flat in London, a little incident suddenly happens, and that is how he encountered a guy named Harry (Paul Mescal), a lad who incidentally resides on the sixth floor of their apartment building. While it is clear that there is some instant attraction between them, Adam hesitates even though Harry is virtually flirting with him, mainly because he is more occupied with finishing whatever he is going to write.

It seems that Adam’s new screenplay is inspired by the childhood memories of his deceased parents, who unfortunately died when he was only 12. Probably for getting some more inspiration, he decides to go to their old suburban neighborhood, and we see him visiting several familiar places including the house where he and his parents once lived together.

And then something strange occurs to him. At a neighborhood park, Adam notices someone quite familiar to him, and he soon follows after this figure, who willingly invites Adam to where he lives with his wife. It turns out that this figure and his wife are none other than Adam’s father and mother, and it goes without saying that they are not living people at all, because they still look as young as they were at the time of their unfortunate death in addition to living in that house as before.

Despite the spooky aspects of this inexplicable happening of his, Adam chooses to spend some time with his dead parents because he has really missed them a lot for many years, and his ghost parents are glad to see how much their son has grown up since their death. To them, Adam is still a little son they raised together, and Adam is happy to experience their loving affection again regardless of whether his ghost parents are real or imagined.

Not so surprisingly, Adam’s homosexuality becomes an issue to talk about between him and his ghost parents, who have some struggle in accepting that their son is actually a gay even though they are aware of how things have changed during last several decades. At one point, Adam’s mother inadvertently hurts her son’s feelings a bit during their private conversation, and that reminds me of when my mother, who is still in the denial of my homosexuality, often tells me that I will be quite lonely without marrying a girl someday.

In case of Adam’s father, who evidently loves and cares about Adam as much as his wife, he comes to have a honest conversation with Adam about not only Adam’s homosexuality but also some emotional distance between him and Adam. Admitting that he was not always there for his young son who often needed his support during that time, Adam’s father sincerely opens more of himself to Adam, and I must say that I envied Adam a lot as because I have never had a really honest conversation with my father, who will probably never accept my homosexuality for the rest of his remaining life.

Feeling much happier than before, Adam becomes more active about his own private life. When he comes across Harry again, he lets Harry into his flat, and they soon move onto the next logical step once they clearly discern their growing mutual attraction. As he did in his little breakout film “Weekend” (2011), Haigh depicts the sexuality of his main characters with considerable realism and intimacy, and I was amused a bit by a little sticky detail during one particularly after-sex scene, while wondering whether Haigh used the same material he previously utilized in “Weekend”.

Haigh’s screenplay is based on Japanese writer Taichi Yamada’s 1987 novel “Strangers”, which was already adapted into Nobuhiko Obayashi’s “The Discarnates” (1988). If you have ever read Yamada’s novel or watched the 1988 film (I only watched the latter, by the way), you will surely know a substantial moment of surprise waiting around the end of the story, and Haigh and his crew members including cinematographer Jamie D. Ramsay pull that off with lots of emotional resonance coupled with some phantasmagorical qualities. While we come to look back on what we have observed from Adam and a few main characters around him, we also come to know and feel more of his sadness and loneliness, and the quiet but sensitive emotional moments during the last act will move you more than expected.

The four main cast members are pitch-perfect in their nuanced acting. While Andrew Scott, who received the Best Actor award from the National Society of Film Critics for this film in last month, ably holds the ground as the heart and soul of the film, Jamie Bell and Claire Foy are simply fabulous as Adam’s ghost parents, and Paul Mescal, who has become one of the new interesting actors to watch since his recent breakthrough Oscar-nominated turn in Charlotte Wells’ exceptional film “Aftersun” (2022), brings genuine tenderness to his seemingly thankless part in addition to clicking well with Scott throughout the film.

Overall, “All of Us Strangers” is another powerful work from Haigh, who has steadily advanced during last 13 years after drawing our attention with “Weekend”. Like “45 Years” (2015) and “Lean on Pete” (2017), the movie shows Haigh’s considerable talent in intimate character drama, and it is certainly one of the main highlights of last year.'

[dancing-crystals]

"All the Living and the Dead" by Hayley Campbell--this is a fascinating book. Campbell interviewed people who work with dead bodies and shows readers what happens to a body, how it's treated and prepared, what it's like to have a job centered around death, what kind of person takes that job.

One of the things I really liked was how so many of the people she interviewed wanted to help people. Some of them wanted to help from behind the scenes, others worked with grieving family people just as much or more than they worked with the dead. There's a couple people who seem pretty indifferent, even callous (the guy doing crime scene cleanup admits he can't even fake sympathy anymore), but the majority see helping people as an important part of their job. And in spite of their jobs, they are all just normal people.

The chapter I found most fascinating was when Campbell interviewed a man who works for a company that responds to mass causality events. I'd never considered the amount of work that goes into that, or that there are business centered around it. Not just victim identification, but arranging travel and grief counseling for the bereaved, collecting personal belongings to be returned to family, helping companies such as airlines deal with public relations---there's a lot that doesn't show up on the news or various forensic TV shows.

The book isn't very gory--there's talk about the messier aspect of dead bodies, but it's not dwelt on. The purpose of the book is to show the people and the process, not decomposition. Campbell sees a number of bodies, even helps prepare at least one, but those are all in places where bodies are taken after death (morgue, funeral home, autopsy room)--she doesn't visit a crime scene or anything. A couple chapters are hard, especially because about halfway through, Campbell really struggles after seeing the body of an infant, and she describes her own difficulties dealing with that. That leads her to interviewing a midwife who works with women whose babies aren't going to make it (miscarriage, stillbirth, genetic anomalies that mean the baby will die shortly after birth), and yeah, that chapter is a lot.

It's an easy read, and while she references earlier chapters from time to time, each chapter stands on its own. You can easily skip over any chapter that is too upsetting or just not interesting to you.

[stratiotis-nth]

Ever since Cas came back and turned human, it would seem he’s stopped giving a shit about literally everything. When Dean noticed this new aspect of Cas’ colorful personality, he had made himself paranoid that Cas would suddenly start flirting with him on the regular now that his big confession was out in the open.

So while Dean was scared shitless, he was confusingly disappointed when Cas didn’t do that at all.

No. The first thing the ex-angel did after surviving another encounter with death was start a Shotgun war with Sam.

And no, not the bang bang kinda shotgun.

“Shotgun!” Cas practically bellowed down the corridor as the three of them were getting ready to get dinner.

“That’s not fair, Cas! I’m in the bathroom!” Sam complained through the closed door. Cas ignored him completely as he strode past and ducked into the passenger seat of the Impala. Dean, who had been desperately trying to stay out of this war, just gave Cas a sideways smile.

“Y’know, the rules are you can’t call shotgun until you actually see the car, Cas.” He told him, his lips tugging up in amusement and…just happiness that Cas was close.

“Until Sam demands to implement this rule, I will abuse his ignorance.” Cas replied, smiling softly. Once again, every time Cas won the passenger seat, Dean wanted to ask what was with his sudden obsession with it. It wasn’t like Cas hadn’t been stubborn enough to claim it before he became human. He wondered what changed, why Cas suddenly cared about seating arrangements. But, as he had been doing ever since they got Cas back (again), Dean bit his tongue. He didn’t want to overwhelm the newly human with the tsunami of questions he had.

Sam griped the entire way to the diner, grumbling about being squished even though Dean knew there was more than enough space. Cas sat next to Dean, watching the trees amble by with a serene, totally unaffected smile on his face. Pleased as a pickle. Dean was fighting his own internal battle between his burning questions and undying amusement at Sam’s plight.

At the diner, Cas sat next to Dean. That much was hardly anything new. The two just naturally gravitated towards each other, and after Dean caught himself drifting mindlessly towards Cas more times than he could count, he stopped giving him grief about personal space.

Cas’ thigh brushed up against his almost the entire meal. Dean pretended not to notice, but internally, he was melting into a puddle of bi panic.

In the parking lot, Sam was quick to call shotgun when Cas got distracted by their waitress catching up to him and giving him her phone number. Dean was too busy bristling and snapping at Cas to hurry up to even notice Sam was sitting next to him.

Cas sulked the entire ride home, the waitress’ number stuffed into one of his pockets. Dean tried not to think that maybe Cas was saving her number for another time.

On Saturday, it was Dean’s turn to go on a food run. Sam was busy working a ghoul case with Eileen, so when Cas wanted to come along there was no yelling match over the front. He ducked into the passenger seat and just about blinded Dean’s poor weak heart with a smile that crinkled his nose.

They fought over eggs for about twenty minutes in the diary aisle. Dean win by threatening to give Sam exclusive access to shotgun. Cas relented with a glower that could have smote demons if he still had his grace.

Eventually, Sam did implement the rule about only calling shotgun with the car in sight, and as the weeks went by and Dean’s silent journey is self realization unfolded, the war at escalated. Now, neither of them could call shotgun without all three of them being in sights of the car. It had gotten bad enough that Sam and Cas waited impatiently for Dean in the garage, staring expectantly for him to round the corner so they could have their yelling match.

Cas nearly blew Dean’s eardrums out, bellowing “SHOTGUN!” loud enough to drown out Sam. He angrily opened his mouth to argue when his phone started ringing.

“It’s Eileen.” He said, his back snapping straight and immediately answering the video call. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Can you give me a ride?” Dean could hear Eileen’s voice over the tinny speakers. “My car broke down and the nearest shop is two hours away.”

“Where are you?”

“An hour away from you? It was supposed to be a surprise.”

Dean saw Sam’s face soften, the tension of worry falling away. He butted in, sticking his face in view of the camera so Eileen could read his lips.

“Just tow it here. I can patch your ride.” He said. “Sam can take the tow truck.”

“Are you sure?” Eileen asked.

“Course. ‘Sides, those guys won’t give you a fair price anyway.” Dean flapped his hand dismissively.

“Thanks, Dean.” Eileen beamed, and oh, Dean knew that smile. Mischievous and damnit, she had planned this from the start, hadn’t she? Just to get a free repair out of him. Dean squinted suspiciously at her, and Eileen just wiggled her eyebrows.

“Cas and I can pick up the curse box and meet you two back here in a few hours.” Dean said. He saw Cas immediately brighten, having secured the passenger seat.

Cas was looking particularly triumphant as they drove, his knees rocking back and forth in a content, mindless sort of way. Finally, Dean couldn’t hold back the question anymore.

He had done his work accepting the fact that he wasn’t as straight as he thought, that it wasn’t very heterosexual to stare at Cas’ lips or pop an awkward boner seeing him all cleaned up after Purgatory, or completely shutting down every time he died or getting all prickly when waitresses give him her phone number. He was gay for Cas, and he had just gotten around to accepting this. Cas said he loved him, right? so Dean shouldn’t be afraid or rejection or anything. Yeah, no he was terrified.

“Hey, Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?” He turned to him with that soft smile that Dean wanted all to himself.

“I gotta ask, man,” Dean chuckled a little awkwardly and kept his eyes firmly on the road. “Why are you so determined about sitting shotgun? You’ve never been before.”

“Ah.” Cas hummed, turning back to the road too. “I suppose now I have the freedom to pursue the things I want. Chuck is gone and my deal with the Empty is null in void. I have time to…focus my attentions on other things.”

“The things you want? What, you got a better view up here or something?”

“Well yes, the windshield does allow more viewing space.” Cas agreed. “But it’s not my main goal in doing all this.”

“Then…what is?”

“Dean.” Cas said in that ever patient, you’re-being-dumb-about-this voice. “I enjoy being up here because it allows me to be closer to you. You are the view I most admire, Dean. I’m always so helplessly drawn to you.”

Dean’s mouth had gone a little dry and his grip on the wheel was suddenly sweaty. The silence that fell was deafening. Cas didn’t even look concerned. He just sat there waiting the road as if he hadn’t just said something so…so…soft to Dean.

Helplessly drawn. Like Cas couldn’t bear being away from him. Like Dean was this perfect, magnetic thing that Cas was enchanted by, something worth having around.

With a jerk of the wheel, Dean was pulling over on the side of the empty highway in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. He threw Baby into park before twisting around and staring at Cas.

He didn’t even look vaguely concerned, the fucker. He just gave Dean a patient look.

Dean opened his mouth, and closed it. Did it again, ready to tell Cas everything. Snapped his jaw shut.

Cas watched in cool amusement. Dean felt his cheeks get hot.

“Screw this.” He grumbled to himself, before lunging across the bench, grabbing Cas’ face with both hands, and kissing him square on the lips.

He felt Cas freeze for a moment, probably in total shock, before he started moving.

Dean nearly choked on a gasp as the chapped, warm lips started pushing and devouring, Cas was suddenly the one taking charge, shoving Dean back against his window as he clambered across the seats to get on top of him.

Twelve years of pent up emotions came crashing out in a sudden burst of unstoppable passion. And as soon as it started, it seemed to have stopped. They both were panting, Dean’s jeans were tight and his entire body screamed to have Cas against him again. But Cas had made to move away, putting space between him as he looked at Dean with wide eyes.

He didn’t get very far. Dean grabbed ahold of his jacket lapels and held on tight with an iron grip, keeping Cas hovering inches above him, basically sharing air.

“Wanna hear a secret?” He whispered between heavy breathes. Cas just blinked at him. “I’ve always rooted for you getting shotgun.”

Cas’ kiss swollen lips split into a dazzling smile, and he rewarded Dean with another intense make out session. When they pulled away, Dean found the words spilling out of his mouth.

“I love you too, Cas. You can have me. God, you have had me, for years you have. Can’t believe it took me so long, I’m sorry I made you think you couldn’t have me, I’m sorry it took me so long—“

Cas shut him up with another kiss, and Dean’s ramble faded into a helpless whimper that too was swallowed up by Cas.

“Does this mean I get exclusive shotgun privileges?” Cas asked a few hours later than they finally took the curse box off the poor shopkeeper’s hands. They had arrived nearly an hour late, not that Dean (or his dick for that matter) particularly cared.

“Honestly? Play it up to Sam and he might let you get away with it for a while.” Dean chuckled. Without even thinking too hard about it, his free hand slithered over the bench, grabbing Cas’ and entwining their fingers. Something so small and simple, yet made Dean light up like a sun.

If Cas didn’t manage to convince Sam, Dean sure as hell would.

[regina-del-cielo]

I was thinking about Copley’s Murder Conspirancy Board (mostly to deal with the absolute rage that the scene with Andy Copley and Booker gives me because ‘UGH THESE MEN ARE SO S T U P I D’), and... I may have a Theory about it - which mostly delves into how much Booker and Copley were in actual contact with each other before the events of the movie.

TL;DR: the Murder Conspirancy Board was built with a contribution of Booker’s information, and Copley was Very Confused on the workings of the Guard’s immortality

(the Essay(TM) is under the cut)

This excellent post expounds on how these two Grieving Dumbasses Definitely Did Not Think Their Plan Through, but still what little they did plan was not done in two days. And I would like to think that Booker would have required more than One (1) Persuasive Speech to get him to potentially get his family outed and put in danger for the (tiny) chance of getting a cure for their immortality.

So they’d been in contact for a while, possibly for almost the whole ‘break year’. Copley has lost his wife two years before the movie, so when he and Booker met again he’s one year into mourning. If Andy needed a break from their jobs, I can’t imagine in what mental state Booker must have been.

Copley probably started looking into the Guard because man, that Surabaya mission was a masterpiece, and how come these guys aren’t mercenary superstars? But they’re like ghosts, and the IDs don’t really match their supposed ages... and dealing with his wife’s death made him go into a Nerd Spiral. And then he finds Booker.

So this is how I think it went: they meet again. They talk. Copley is a grieving widower, Booker goes ‘man don’t I relate’. Booker is probably drunk a lot of the time (maybe so is Copley, misery loves company and all that). They enter a positive feedback loop of sharing grief over lost loved ones. Copley probably spills that he knows something, that they’ve done great things and they have a gift obviously. Booker probably answers along the lines of ‘fuck the gift, it sucks. Didn’t save my children when they needed it’. Copley goes ‘well, medicine is much better today. What if you could do it now?’ And the rest is history.

A) Booker ‘helped’ with the Murder Conspirancy Board

We know for a fact that the Conspirancy Board contains information about the Guard ‘from the last 150 years’ which is, approximately, the time photography’s been around. And it makes sense - photos are pretty easily accessible, and Copley knows their faces. He probably scanned them from one of those fake IDs and then used a facial recognition software to find them in historical photographic archives. But we know (and by the end of the movie so does he) that the last 150 years is a nothing in their lifespan. And while going backwards Copley may have found Booker’s original birth and/or marriage records, nothing of the sort would exist for Joe, Nicky and Andy.

Despite how much we joke about the Guard’s faces being Everywhere in museums and art galleries around the world, we can assume that they wouldn’t leave so many traces of them behind. The two known art pieces representing Andy in an obviously recognizable manner, her portrait with Achilles and the Rodin, are in the cave in Val d’Argent. I don’t believe Nicky and Joe wouldn’t have similar storage places, especially for Joe’s own art. Without photographic evidence and before newspapers, trying to pinpoint the three of them across history would be harder than finding a specific needle in a haystack of needles... unless someone tells you where to look. 

When Andy enters Copley’s living room, he calls her ‘Andromache the Scythian, the eternal warrior’. But how could Copley have known that Andy’s “real” name was Andromache? It’s not on her IDs, and it’s not the top choice for a full name that has Andy as a nickname. It’s a literary name, of course it would appear through history in poems or plays or novels. And how could he have associated Nicky and Joe precisely to the Crusades with what he knows of them from the last 150 years alone? For all he knew, they could have been as old as the Punic Wars, or as young as the Battle of Lepanto. Assuming he’d actually caught on on them being together together.

Well, I think Booker told him. Maybe just a thing here or there, while Commiserating on How It Sucks being an Immortal, like ‘Andy’s been around for so long she doesn’t even remember her true age, that’s exhausting’ or ‘Joe and Nicky are ridiculous for two people whose first meeting consisted of killing each other during the fucking Crusades’. And Copley fell into another Nerd Spiral that brought him to understand that holy shit these people are much older than I thought what the fuck.

B) Copley is Very Confused on How Immortality Actually Works

Copley talks to Andy by calling her ‘eternal warrior’ and talking of her immortality as if it was some kind of gift that can somehow be transferred from one body to another (debatable, but... ok). But he’s also flabbergasted by her not healing from Booker’s shot, and later with Nile he says ‘but then why would the immortality leave?’, which is... well, it makes it sound like he thinks the immortals are some sort of Chosen Ones.

Which means that Copley knows nothing about Lykon. He had no idea that at some point the Guard will stop healing.

But why would he not know, since I just conjectured that Booker told him enough about immortality for him to pinpoint the origins of the eldest members of the Guard? Why would Booker not have told him such a central detail of their “power”? (Booker obviously knows about Lykon. We see Andy telling Nile, and you can bet that ‘is this thing permanent?’ is probably the third question Booker ever asked when he met the others. He can’t not know)

I think it’s because despite having bonded over their grief, they are approaching this ‘discovering what the fuck is up with immortality’ from two extremely different sides. 

Copley wants to know if there is some biological aspect to their immortality that may be ‘transferred’ or ‘activated’ in any random human being. He’s gotten into his head that their regenerative powers can end all diseases. Which. I could probably write another entire separate post on how this is far-fetched at best. Point being, Copley never thought his endeavour as taking the immortality from the Guard to give it to someone else. He thinks Andy and the others are going to live forever and ever.

Booker knows their immortality is not forever and ever, theoretically. He knows that at some point, in the future, he’s going to stop healing and die. But he Wants to Talk to the Manager about it, damn it. He wants his death to be a certainty he can quantify, not something that may happen in another five thousand years based on the data he’s got at his disposal. He wants to have the choice to end it tomorrow or in fifty years - if discovering what causes his immortality saves other people, well that’s an undeniable bonus, but it’s not the focus of his motivation.

Just like Booker and Copley didn’t cover all the potential ways in which Their Plan Could Go Wrong (and honestly, has Booker not learned yet just how fast they revive on average? He tells Nile that ‘big wounds take longer’, and still he revived from the grenade in three/four minutes!), I think they also didn’t Delve into their motivations for seeking that knowledge. Booker probably thought that Copley knowing of their immortality being relative was irrelevant, because of course the doctors will find something (the thing that makes them stop healing), and then he’ll die anyway, so who cares? 

And Copley... Copley was probably Convinced that the Guard was a group of superheroes that just needed to be suggested a new investment plan for using their powers, because saving individuals during wars and natural disasters is very noble and good, but come on, it’s inefficient as hell, they can do much better!

(It absolutely sends me that Copley saw the kind of accomplishments reached by the people that the Guard saved, or by their direct descendants, and STILL it didn’t occur to him that there was a pretty decent chance that sometime in the future they would save someone that would find the cure for ALS and/or other shitty diseases! HE’S LITERALLY HINDERING THEM!!!) 

[sunbaekery]

Coming Soon: Kiss and Tell

I’m super excited to introduce my newest Special — Kiss and Tell. It’s a project I’ve been thinking about for a while now and while I’ve only been writing drabbles or short oneshots, I really wanted to try my hand at writing longer stories. I don’t know how long each story will be and I don’t know how long this project will take, but I hope that you’ll support me on my writing journey.

These stories will be written in a 3rd person limited (members thoughts) with fem ocs.

Teaser(total): 0.8k

For centuries, kisses have been a way to express emotions, and whether it's a passionate liplock between lovers or a loving kiss from parent to child, each kiss has a story behind it. Kiss and Tell follows the lives of 7 young men, all at different stages of life, and the story behind their kiss.

Jisung's Story

Jisung is your standard awkward high school student: he plays video games till 2 a.m., cleans his room only when his mother nags him for the hundredth time, and struggles to form coherent sentences in front of the girl he's been crushing on: Kim Yeri. With the annual summer fair coming up, The Carnival, and college looming on the horizon, he finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and to his surprise, she agreed. This should be it: he's finally getting his chance at the sappy high school romance he's been waiting for, so then why can't he stop thinking about the little mole on the lower right corner of his best friend's lips

Item: Bites, Desert

Allergen Warnings: Profanity, Crude Humor, etc.

Expected Release: In August

Haechan's Story

Haechan has always been the funny guy, always putting a smile on other people's faces and making them feel as if they've known each other for years, even if they've just met for a few minutes. So when he finally meets the girl with impeccable timing for jokes that almost rivals his… almost, you can bet he married her as soon as he could. But life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, and Haechan's idyllic life is shattered in an instant.

Item: Bites, Namericano

Allergen Warnings: Major Character Death, Pregnancy, Grief, etc.

Mark's Story

Mark is twenty-two years old, a recent college graduate, young, capable, and ready to face the world. Sure, he earned a degree in Musical Composition, which, in hindsight, may not be the safest career choice. Still, it was a crucial part of him, and with a support system like his, his loving parents, sympathetic brother, and an angel of a girlfriend, who wouldn't pursue it. But Mark wasn't prepared for the world to come to him; he is offered a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, the only problem being that it is halfway across the globe — truly putting the distance in long distance. Mark must decide whether his love or his dream is more important to him.

Item: Bites, Namericano

Allergen Warnings: Not Applicable for now

Renjun's Story

Renjun is eleven years old... okay, ten and a half, and he's about to start his last year of elementary school. He's a big kid now, but he doesn't feel like it; in fact, he misses his parents, who are constantly shooing him away with excuses about working hard to achieve a pormoshin... promortion... or something like that. He is tired and irritable, and all he wants to do is curl up into a small ball and hide from the world, which he does most of the time because students and teachers prefer to ignore him rather than deal with his tantrums. With the start of a new school year comes a new teacher, one who doesn't seem to take no for an answer. Will Renjun finally open up, or will she, like everyone else, lose interest in him?

Item: Bites, Mocha

Allergen Warnings: Anxiety, Bullying, Negligence

Jaemin's Story

If someone had told seventeen-year-old Jaemin that at age twenty-seven, he would be living in a much too small apartment, having an affair with his much older, married neighbor, who always promised to leave her husband for him, but never did, and still hadn't pursued his photography dream because he was too much of coward and still cared about what people thought of him, he would have punched that person in the face, and obnoxiously yell very choice words. And yet here he was, exactly that; there was no need to beat around the bush, Na Jaemin was a complete loser.

Item: Bites, Mocha

Allergen Warnings: Age-Gap, Suggestive Scenes, Cheating, Insecurity, etc

Chenle's Story

Chenle is a "late bloomer." Not professionally, of course, graduating from the country's top business school at the age of 18, starting and successfully building a fortune 500 company by the age of 25, and now owning a thriving business empire at the age of 40, Chenle was undoubtedly fortunate in that aspect of his life, his romantic life, however, not so much. So at the age of 40, Chenle decided to try his hand at online dating, and after some questionable, read disastrous dates, he's finally met a serious-relationship worthy woman and Chenle swears he can smell love in the air. Little did Chenle know that trouble was on its way, in the form of the woman's 15-year-old teenage daughter, who was determined to put an end to Chenle's relationship.

Item: Bites, Namericano

Allergen Warnings: Break down, Divorce, Absent Parent, etc.

Jeno's Story

Jeno has two loves: singing and partying, a combination that is destined for disaster. After experimenting at a party, Jeno's behavior reaches a new low jeopardizing not only his singing career but also his relationship with his junior singer that he may or may not be falling in love with.

Item: Namericano, Bites

Allergen Warnings: Age-Gap, Drugs, Partying, Reckless Behavior, Hallucinations, Violence (etc.)

Guide to Sun Baekary Diction

Bites = Slice of Life

Namericano = Angst

Mocha = Feel-Good/Motivational

Desert = Fluff

Allergen Warning = Trigger Warning

[caffernnn]

Ok but imagine haru with the rage of achilles if something really did happened to makoto. Haru ripping through the waters desperate to finish his heat, winning race after race without thinking about actually winning but catching after a hand that's supposed to be reaching out to him at the end, only to realize that there will be no one waiting for him at the starting block; hurrying up to finish his events and racing to arrive home yelling "tadaima" only to realize no one to call him back with "okaeri"; the meaning of swimming lost to him as he only wishes to crush anybody before him, because he is achilles who lost his patroclus, his better half, the one who reminds him who he really is, and he races like there is no tomorrow because he doesn't have anything to lose because his everything has already been lost.

Haru who exhausts himself to death because the only voice of reason he really listens to is no longer to be heard; refusing to sleep because the memories of a face he gazed at since forever haunting him whenever he closes his eyes, too close yet too far only to remind him he can no longer see that face once he opens his eyes; haru who longs for yet despises the smell of chlorine, the smell of someone so etched in his memory that he cannot intake ever again. He refuses to sleep in a bed too wide for his slender build, too cold without the embrace of a warm furnace that envelops his entire figure, him feeling like a puzzle with a missing piece slotting into plqce with his.

Haru as achilles without his patroclus who keeps him human. Haru without makoto who he will return to, to share a bath and late night swims with, who reminds him that swimming is not about the competition but the fun of being together in the water. Haru as achilles, whose only goal is to defeat anyone and everyone, and longing to be with someone who no longer exists. Haru as achilles who wishes to be with his patroclus, and nothing else matters as long as they're not together. Haru with the rage of achilles, an entity with no reminder of the human he once was.

Fuck this greek mythology brainrot I've been rereading the illiad over and over again with my favorite gay couple and with the new trailer I really can't help but correlate patrochilles with makoharu and think of an impending tragedy for our swimming soulmates since birth.

Oh this one hurts! It’d be like what we saw with Rin when he lost himself before/during season one — feeling steeped in grief and isolated from that ineffable thing that makes swimming more than just a means to an end for him. There are so many aspects of this that make me ache because trying to do any sort of healing would involve some of the hardest conversations.

Haru beating himself up in confusion because he always said he swam for his friends, and he did, for all of them, he swears. His swimming heart has been split and stored for safekeeping with his friends and teammates as he’s rediscovered and reinvented his motivation/dream over the past few years. He tried so hard to protect himself in subtle ways from his worst fear, giving himself a whole family to rely on no matter what… so why does not having Makoto by his side make him feel like he’s drowning?

Arguing with Azuma because he thought Haru was going to prove him wrong and not fall into hopelessness like he did. Haru argues in his rage that he’s being strong and “not quitting like you did,” and it doesn’t take long for Ryuuji and everyone else remotely close to Haru to see that this is almost worse than if he’d just quit or taken a break.

His friends are scared because they aren’t used to Haru falling into rage. Friends like Rin were always the ones to ignite in their despair, and friends like Sousuke kept trudging on in denial and/or spite of the problems. Haru was one who drew into himself anytime the world got too scary, isolating from people and water. Something in him must’ve broke this time around, because he isn’t looking at the world like it’s this overwhelming thing to hide away from — Haru wants to fight.

The situation sucks because Haru would have to be the one to ultimately pull himself together enough to stop punishing himself with racing/training/etc, but I wonder which friends would be crucial in keeping him afloat. Makoto’s position in all of this hurts because this isn’t just something that could happen with him dying; I can imagine Haru falling into this grief if something happened that made Makoto have to leave Tokyo and/or put his college career on hold indefinitely while he heals. It would break Makoto to hear about it all secondhand while stuck in Iwatobi, trying not to feel like it’s his fault when Haru’s shutting out the world again and insisting he’s fine on the few phone calls he answers. The Tokyo guys (Asahi, Ikuya, etc.) would be important because they’re the ones witnessing it all firsthand, who are close enough to see Haru and try to reach out face-to-face. I honestly think it’d have to be Rin and Sousuke who try to help him through it all, though — the rage mirrors too many of the emotions they both went through in the early stages of knowing about and struggling with Sousuke’s shoulder injury. I just know sitting Haru down long enough for them to talk about their old emotions and work through Haru’s fresh and confusing ones would suuuuck.

It hurts because even though the reaction is violent and confusing at first, it goes back to that self-sacrificing and punishing way makoharu deals with the impending tragedies they find themselves stuck in in so many universes. It’s this beautiful relationship because there are so many ways in that it feels seamless and soothing, but that stems from a lifetime of working to stay close and learning how to love each other. Their bond is built on an intensity that beckons despair because they’ve built each other so high up that you just know losing each other in any way would make them fall hard.

I hate the idea of anything actually happening to Makoto in the movies, I really do, but I’m still morbidly curious to see what Haru would do in the wake of it all: implode, or explode.

[chilling-seavey]

Qui Totum Vult Totum Perdit (d.s.) - 12

A/N Narrowing in

Warnings: This story is centered around a murder so there will be graphic descriptions of blood, death/manslaughter, dealing with corpses, possible domestic abuse (physical/verbal), crime/covering up a crime, shock/grief, and other possibly heavy or triggering topics. Please read at your own discretion.

My mind had been telling me lots of things over the prior twenty-four hours, dear reader, trying to force me to piece together a memory I didn’t remember. But there was something all too familiar about the realization that came over me while sitting on the side of the resort bathtub with Avalon’s hand in my own. I could hear her soft gasp as the glass hit the kitchen floor as clear as day, I even heard it in my mind that morning but the pieces weren’t fitting until now. 

She never threw her glass at me. I never followed her screaming into the studio. Hell, I didn’t even know where the knife set was among the neatly stacked array of wedding gifts until I woke up that morning with one laying next to me.

I vowed to love her until the end of time and, although I couldn’t trust myself at first, it came back to me so obviously that I never would have hurt her - never would have laid a finger on her yet alone took her life - no matter how much we disagreed. 

Jonah returned to the hotel room with buckets of ice to find me sitting in a complete mess of tears on the side of the tub, clutching Avalon’s hand until my knuckles were nearly turning white. He left the bucket of ice on the counter and hurried over to me, setting his hand on my shoulder.

“Hey, hey, what’s going on?” Jonah asked in that gentle voice he could always put on when someone needed consoling.

“I didn’t do it!” I cried, turning to lean into him as he stood beside me. “I-I don’t know who did, but I didn’t kill her! We fought and she went to sleep in the studio and…and I-I should have…I should have fucking followed her…protected her…I’m such a fucking asshole for ever thinking I was ever better than her!”

Jonah simply stayed quiet, rubbing his hand over my shoulder in consolable stripes as I cried out my grief. The fact that he wasn’t correcting my slight self-deprecation was proof enough that he saw my faults throughout the past four years too. Everyone seemed to see them but me, and I only saw them once it was too late.

“I gotta tell you something, bro.” Jonah said softly.

I looked up at him through my tears.

“When I was getting the ice in the lobby…” he licked his lips nervously as if to buy himself time, “The news reported that they found your bloody handprint on the piano in your studio. The missing persons case has been switched over to a homicide investigation.”

The irony of the blood draining from my face was nearly comical and looking back now it truly was. If finding Avalon’s body that morning caused my heart to stop in my chest, the news that the police now thought I did it when I had just pieces together that I was innocent truly felt like I was experiencing death just as strongly. I felt sick. I wasn’t safe anywhere. It was often cases like this locked up the innocent and if my memory served me correctly, the numbers still weren’t on my side.

“I-I didn’t do it though!” I stumbled out.  

“I know.” Jonah said calmly, “Come on. We gotta get her in some ice and then we can decide on our next steps.”

“I…I can’t.” I breathed.

“Daniel, you can’t shut down on me. I know you’re scared and…and sad but…” Jonah raked his hand through his hair as we stared down at Avalon laying in the empty tub. “Shit.”

His own obvious slight panic weighed heavy on my heart.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you.” I said shakily, “Should have never gotten you into this.”

“No. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.” Jonah said strongly. He pried my hand out of Avalon’s, “But we gotta keep moving if we’re going to figure out what we need to do next.”

I nodded. I really had nothing else to say. What was there to say? I could cry and scream and try to point fingers all I wanted but nothing was going to bring her back. She was dead. And I was a widow.

“Daniel.”

I looked up at Jonah again. The concern on his face was unmissable.

“Why don’t you go lay down? Try and get some sleep and I’ll finish up out here.”

“Where are we going to put the rug?” I asked. I hadn’t even realized I was thinking about that. All the evidence in my car? Nothing was on my side here.

“We can bury it in the desert or something on our way to the lodge tomorrow.” Jonah suggested.

“And the knives too.” I added. I looked back to Avalon but spoke to Jonah again, “What are we going to do with her?”

“I…don’t know. Depends on if you find the person who did this.”

“Fuck!” I swore loudly, balling my hands into fists and held them in front of my face to hide my onset of fresh tears, “I’m so fucked!”

“Okay, Daniel, just go lay down. I’ll take care of it.” Jonah helped me to my feet from the side of the tub and I couldn’t help but fall right into him, throwing my arms around his shoulders and embraced him tightly. He patted my back gently and let me cry into his shoulder, clutching onto the back of his shirt as I let out all the sorrows of the previous hours, the evil mix of grief and relief and fear swirling in my mind.

I didn’t remember getting into bed. Apparently I had a tendency to forget aspects of my days but I woke up in the hotel bed to Jonah turning off the bedroom light and getting into his own bed beside mine. I stayed still to make it seem like I was still sleeping. I wasn’t ready to face in the influx of “are you okay?” questions that I honestly wasn’t sure how to answer.

I stared at the ceiling, wide awake, mind whirling, as I heard Jonah’s breathing eventually fall into a steady rhythm and his soft snores started to fill the quiet hotel room. Sleep felt nice. I envied him a little. I was exhausted but I was not tired in the slightest. The bed felt terribly empty.

I hadn’t slept alone in a long time. Well, not counting the few times Avalon made me sleep on the couch.

I didn’t want to waste one more moment when I could be figuring out how to prove my innocence in this situation that seemed to turn against me so quickly. How could I have been so stupid as to forget to wipe down the piano? The prints were all over the damn place. I was only hoping that whoever was behind this was at least a fraction of as stupid as I was and left some sort of trace behind for the detective team.

With Jonah fast asleep, I slunk quietly out of bed and over to the desk across the room. I turned on the small lamp to light up the corner and sat down with the hotel paper and pen to try and collect my thoughts. The silence of the night was eery and I couldn’t get my mind away from the thought of my wife’s dead body just beyond the thin wall across the room from me. With the paper left blank, I got up from the desk and grabbed my laptop bag from beside the wall, pulling out my phone as well as Avalon’s to search through.

The bathroom was dark and if I listened hard enough I could hear the faint cracking of the melting ice that filled the tub. My heart was beating hard in my chest with nervousness as my hand hovered over the light switch. I felt just as nervous as I had the day I asked her to marry me but now, I was nervous for a whole other reason. I hated nothing more than seeing her like this.

I turned on the light and stalked over to the side of the tub. Her eyes were still closed, and she still looked peaceful and yet a terrifyingly pale.

“Hey, honey.” I spoke softly as if she could hear me. As if it would make this any easier.

I brushed my hand hesitantly over her tangled hair and angled her phone towards her face. The screen unlocked. I hurried to change the setting to keep her phone from locking again before leaning down towards her habitually. I froze a few centimeters from her head but still managed to work up enough nerve to press a gentle kiss to her temple.

Back at the desk in the hotel room, under the light of the single table lamp, I laid out Avalon’s phone, my phone, and the blank pad of paper in front of me. I copied Jonah’s idea with writing each name at the top of the sheet. I started with Jack.

Motives:

-She was the reason he can’t see his daughter

-She was the reason he was evicted

-She was the reason his business flopped

-Revenge

-Knows the human body, has a collection of scissors and blades

-Has been to our house

I moved onto Zach.

Motives:

-We took away something important to him, so he could want to do the same back

-Wanted to hurt me

-Knows his way around knifework

-Knows our address

-Seems to have no remorse or empathy for human life

I hovered my pen over the paper for a moment, re-reading my notes so far. I set the pen down and picked up Avalon’s phone to go into her messages. I found Christian’s contact and opened the message thread, seeing only a bunch of unanswered texts from him from just before the wedding to even during our honeymoon. Things such as:

Stay away from Daniel.

Going through with this wedding will be the last thing you will ever do; I swear to God.

I refuse to let you fuck up his life anymore.

You and I need to have a serious talk when you guys get home. I’m not going to tolerate your whiny bullshit about his career just because he’s successful and you’re not.

I set her phone face down on the desk with a shaky inhale, stunned to silence with the few messages I had read. I knew my brother had a dislike for Avalon but calling her out and sending her aggressive texts was a level I didn’t think he would stoop to. And the fact that she didn’t think she could trust me or confide in me enough to tell me what he was saying to her hurt even more.

The pen glided itself across the paper, spelling out Christian’s name under Zach’s list of motives. I continued the list for my own brother:

Motives:

-Strange hatred for her

-Aggressive and threatening texts

-Clingy in regard to my whereabouts consistently

-Gifted the knives to us and knew where they were

I clicked the pen closed as I scanned the list of three names again. Honestly, I was more than relieved I didn’t have to write my own name but this was far from over. I wasn’t safe until someone came clean…or I forced the truth out of them.

The warm light of the desk lamp glinted off the gold band around my left-hand ring finger. I slid the ring off gently and it came off with ease since it hadn’t been on very long at all. The light reflected along the metal and I turned it over in my hand to see the engraving on the inside, dated with 25/07/20 and her name in soft curling letters beside it. Avalon. My one true love ripped from my hands before I even had a moment to truly appreciate what I had. It’s true, dear reader; you really do not know what you have until it is gone.

I fell asleep at the desk while rereading my list for the nth time, the exhaustion from the day having finally caught up to me. The wedding ring stayed clutched in my hand.

Detective Team: @jonahlovescoffee​ @randomlimelightxxx​ @stuffofseaveyy​ @hopinglimelight​ @tempus-ut-luceant​ @br4nd1s​ @xkelsev​ @hiya-its-amber​ @sexyseavey15​ @the-girl-who-cried-wolf​

[jellybeanbeing]

Favorite Books of 2020

I read 50 books this year, here are my top favorites:

9. Chain of Gold by Cassandra Clare // One of my most anticipated books of 2020 and it did not disappoint. This wasn’t the first Shadowhunter book I’ve read and so I was aware going into this one that, with this being the first book to a new series, there was gonna be some info dump and A LOT of build up. I wasn’t mad at it though. Besides that, I can already tell that this series is going to be my favorite in TSC. The story is already so complex with such vibrant and interesting characters and character relationships. I cried my eyes out at the end of this book because I could just feel the pain in certain characters and I am so ready to be hurt with the two upcoming books.

TRIGGER/CONTENT WARNINGS: substance abuse, emotional manipulation

8. Get a Life, Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert // This was the first ever adult romance book that I read, and boy, did it make me fall in love. I had no idea what I was going into when picking this up because I had never read an adult romance novel, and I was soooooooo pleasantly surprised that it sent me into an adult romance book binge. This is still at the top because hot damn, the relationship was just fantastic. It was sooooo cute, and what I loved so so much was that the characters had lives outside of their relationships. They grew individually while still engaging in their relationship. It never felt boring or stilted. It was so refreshing to read that. The amount of communication and comprehension that was present was amazing. The smut scenes were just fucking perfection. I loved everything about this book! 

TRIGGER WARNING (provided in the author's note of Get a Life, Chloe Brown): "This story touches on the process of healing after an abusive relationship."

7. You Deserve Each Other by Sarah Hogle // Let me just say here that this is suuuuuuch a romantic book. There were so many lines that had my heart aching and crying. This was the first book I read where the lovers to enemies to lovers trope existed, and after this one, I want more. I looooved the regrowth of their relationship, seeing the two become friends again, and really really communicate with each other and listen to each other. It was so goddamn cute and wholesome and endearing. This book was also so humorous and I found myself actually laughing at certain parts. One thing that I really really appreciated was that though the book’s perspective was only from one side of the relationship, it never pinned all the blame on the other person. This was a story that could’ve easily turned into that, where the other person is the bad guy, but it was acknowledged that both sides were at fault for the falling out of the relationship. I had such a great time reading this one!

6. The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang // I fell absolutely in love with this one, especially after a brief reread. It is sooooo freaking cute and easy going and wholesome and romantic and perfect. I love the two main characters and how well they fit together. They understand each other and respect each other and care for each other so so deeply. The communication was so perfect, the smut scenes were top tier amazing, the growth of their affection towards each other was so cute, and everything was just great. I loved the family aspect of this one! It felt natural and genuine. This book was just everything good.

5. Kids of Appetite by David Arnold // One of the last books I read in the year, and here it is! This reread was well overdue. Anyway, I loved it! I loved it way more than my first read. The found family trope in this one was literally so perfect and felt like a warm hug. I LIVE for the friendships in this one. I absolutely loved how everything tied together at the end and how everything was connected. It made me so emotional, and yes, I did cry. A lot. The romance between Vic and Mad was also really cute and wholesome! The grief that was explored in this one was also so so good. It felt so personal and it made my heart ache. Yes, this book will still remain as one of my all time favorites. I loved it.

TRIGGER/CONTENT WARNINGS: PTSD, physical abuse, death of a loved one, murder, violence

4. The Right Swipe & 3. Girl Gone Viral by Alisha Rai // Okay, but these are top fucking tier romance books! I’m grouping them together because they are part of the same series (Modern Love). I’m usually not a fan of social media or modern day lingo in books because I do find it cringy but I don’t know, it fucking works in these two for me. The Right Swipe is a second chance romance, and I loved it! Rhi and Samson have such great chemistry and their banter was so good. Girl Gone Viral had me smiling like an idiot throughout the whole thing. It was so fucking cute! Also, it was my first bodyguard trope like book, and I like it? Anyway, what I love about both books is how great the communication and comprehension is between the couples. They understand the other person’s boundaries and have conversations like mature people. I also LOVE how the main characters are so well developed and intriguing individually. There’s enough about both characters and who they are and how they run their lives where I felt a connection with them. I found myself caring about each character outside of their relationship and rooting for them. They grow individually but they also grow within their relationship. Also, what perfect endings these two have. It’s not at all cheesy (though I’m not opposed to them) and/or dramatic. They were so realistic, intimate, and heartwarming. And lastly, the smut scenes were chef’s kiss. Great. Fantastic. These two books are the best romance books I’ve ever read, and I will die on this hill saying that.

The Right Swipe TRIGGER/CONTENT WARNINGS: sexual harrasment (the book discusses sexual harassment in the workplace), emotional and mental abuse, healing after the death of a loved one, anxiety, mentions of panic attacks

Girl Gone Viral TRIGGER/CONTENT WARNINGS: PTSD, mentions of unhealthy eating habits (restrictive), emotional and mental abuse, depictions of panic attacks, anxiety

2. Deposing Nathan by Zack Smedley // This was my first book of the year, and yes, it is up this high because it was so great and memorable. I read this at the most perfect time in my life. I was initially really exciting for it, and I was so happy that it matched my expectations. While the book’s main focus is on the events of what happened that led to the start of the book, it deals with such as topics about sexuality and religion. It was such an emotional and intense book for me, and I felt like this book poured out the thoughts that were swimming in my brain. I loved the characters and how certain things played out. None of it to me, felt unrealistic. It was genuine and heartbreaking while still a bit heartwarming. This book is truly a gem, and I will love it forever.

TRIGGER/CONTENT WARNINGS: child abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, mental manipulation, violence, homophobic slurs, homophobia

1. An Ember in the Ashes series by Sabaa Tahir // With how much I posted about this series, it’s no surprise that it’s numero uno on this list. I love this series with my entire soul, being, existence, it is literal perfection. Yes, I’ve had my fair share of complaints about this book series but fuck that, it is sooooo good. The characters are so amazing and complex, and their development over the course of the four books is so emotional and heart wrenching. I found a part of myself with each character and I was (and still am) so attached to them. The romantic relationship, the familial relationships, the friendships, all the relationships were so well done. I could feel the true connection in every dynamic. I love it so much that it hurts. The plot itself is so fucking good. The slow world building it has is one of my favorite things. It allows you to take in the world slowly and at a good pace. It continues to grow and evolve and reveal itself the further you go with each book. The dialogue is fucking fantastic. It’s flows so well and is well done. Yes, it gets fancy but it’s soooooo smooooooooth. The writing is just sooooo beautiful. Gorgeous. A beauty. I have different posts dedicated to my favorite lines in each book, and boy do they hit the emotional spot. This book series has had such a huge impact in my life and the fact that it’s over doesn’t even feel real. I have cried for five days straight because I won’t get to read this series or about these characters anymore, like I HAVE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE. Not to mention that the tears are also because of book four and the bittersweetness it left me with. I could go on for days about how absolutely amazing and fantastic this book series is. I would highly recommend it. Get wrecked by it. Love it. It will hurt your soul.

TRIGGER/CONTENT WARNINGS: mentions of rape, mentions of sexual assault, violence (some scenes are graphic), murder, death of loved ones, depictions of grief, PTSD

[herecomesnaya]

Does canon Jason suffer from depression? i know there are as many versions of him as there are writers who wrote him, but if you think of the most common or agreed upon version of him in canon, is he?

hmmm... I’d say yeah, he probably has some depression he’s dealing with. PTSD for sure, and depression often comes with that. he may hide it pretty well sometimes (as people with depression often do), but a lot of his internal dialogue, stretching across versions of canon, seems to indicate this (at least to me)

the thing that immediately comes to mind is the issue of RHATO Rebirth where he hallucinates his younger self getting beaten to death by the Joker. he’s SO self-deprecating, though it’s hidden under this guise of being “liberated” from his past, or realizing what he did “wrong.”

of note:

so he clearly dwells on his death INCREDIBLY frequently, and idk about you, but if that were me, I wouldn’t be thinking back on it with a sound mind and stable emotions.

and there he is blaming himself for his misery, which is incredibly common with depressed people. it’s also telling that he thinks of himself as a loner even when he was Robin -- probably because he was still dealing with his parents’ deaths, and isolated himself from Bruce and Alfred. this is consistent with his original death in the 80′s, where he drew away from the two of them, which led to him finding his birth certificate and going to Qurac Ethiopia in the first place.

and I know everyone hates his reaction to Roy’s death, but hear me out: one of the main symptoms of depression is a dulled emotional response, one that makes you lose interest in the things you used to like, or react in out of character ways to the things that happen around/to you. it’s entirely possible that Jason’s existing depression contributed heavily to his response -- sort of an “I’ve already cried myself out so often about so much, everything is numb, I’ll just pretend to be okay with it on the outside to hide that I can’t even bring myself to cry and I hate myself for it” thing.

I mean, consider the mental state he was already in. it was right after he lost Artemis and Bizarro, and Bruce beat the fuck out of him. now that same person is telling him one of his best friends is dead. what’s he supposed to do? break down in front of the guy who incapacitated him over a not even real murder attempt, show that vulnerability to him? let himself crumble when there’s so much he has to do? he makes a good point:

he knows, perhaps better than anyone, that this is a dangerous business. that anyone could die at any time. that breaking down and letting it ruin you won’t do any good, that Roy wouldn’t want him to, anyway. now, is this the most productive or honest way to deal with his grief? maybe not. but it checks out when you consider he’s already dealing with major depression.

and speaking of that whole thing with Bruce, let’s take a look at more of the aftermath of that:

that’s a depressed reaction if I ever saw one! no anger, no outrage, no crying, just... blankness.

another common symptom of depression? thinking everyone hates you. now, Jason has a pretty fair reason to think this after #25, but I’d bet those feelings started long before that.

from annual #2: more self-deprecation in the aftermath of Bruce’s beating (there’s even more, but I haven’t capped it, because I think you get the picture).

and this is really Rebirth-focused, I know, but this aspect of Jason’s character is relatively consistent. he thinks of himself as a “bad guy,” one who can’t be saved, one who would really love to be accepted back into the fold, but believes he never will be. every new conflict he has with the batfam only serves to solidify it in his mind. from Lost Days and Under the Red Hood, all the way to current canon, he’s distanced himself from them to try and protect his emotions, because he doesn’t believe he’s good enough for them.

he’s also struggled with suicidal ideation, in the vein of “I wish I’d just stayed dead/being dead was so much easier.” it’s not too well-known, but thoughts like “I don’t necessarily want to die or kill myself, I just don’t want to be alive right now” count as suicidal thoughts -- and those are DEFINITELY a sign of major depression.

so yeah, he may have his moments of levity and genuine happiness, and it may be hard or impossible for others around him to tell, but that’s also incredibly common with depression. just look at cases like Robin Williams -- super nice, super happy, super funny, but still fatally suicidal. hell, I mean, I’m depressed, I have been for years, but I still act like... well, you all know how I project myself online, LMAO

tl;dr: this boy is absolutely depressed, someone get him some therapy and cymbalta

[aquariusshadow]

Liveblogging! Legacies s3x10

Oh boy oh boy oh boy, it's that time of the week. We back at it again with the Legacies live!blog! Last week's episode gave me my favorite legacies ship......I have high expectations for this episode.

Plz don't let me down.

--

METHAN

FIRST SCENE

..........guys

STOP

omfg methan are stopping crimes together

we love a crime-fighting romantic duo

there's a fanfic trope about this i swear

IS THAT DEATON

TEENWOLF DEATON?!

or am i stupid

Hope is so gorgeous i cant

Hope/cleo scene yaaaaaay

guys let hope be happy

she's allowed to be happy

josie's hairstyle is beautiful im in love

is lizzie really giving josie romance advice?

....when was the last time we saw Finch? i genuinely can't remember...

........noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo i dont want a mizzie scene i really dont want a mizzie scene

LET ME HAVE METHAN

thank god

why are they so cute

"blursome" jfc hahaha

I hope ethan doesnt get too caught up in the supernatural-ness of it all

"you wanna skip P.E. with me *wink wink*"

there she is, there's finch

awww josie she's so cute

okay there better be a good finch/josie lunch scene for that good ole development

omfg invisi!lizzie....InvisiLizzie is my new nickname for her TM me lmao

HFKLSHDFLGJGLHJDFGLHSDFJGH

HOPE AND CLEO

PICNIC

GUYS

listen ik i said i ship handon again

but yall expect me to ignore this i swear

i like happy hope, happy hope is very cute and she has a pretty smile

is that a banshee? what was that screetch?

okay this is genuinely creepy im impressed

maybe we can learn about cleo's past more this episode?

OMFG I WAS RIGHT

I NEVER GUESS THE MONSTERS RIGHT

IM THE NEW LANDON HAHAHAH

"Rules of the Rom-Com" oh my god lizzie...im really not sure she's the best one to be giving romantic advice ehehe but i love that she's really trying to help josie :D

was that reverse psychology? yup, good job lizzie!

cleo and jed...this'll be interesting

why is everyone obsessed with wendigo's?

look at this development

i like that we're getting more stuff with jed

METHAN BACK METHAN BACK

"we can just hang out"

ethan...honey...there's more than just the supernatural

I do understand being very excited though

ETHAN GO WITH HIM

awwwwwww "it's just nice to have something to care about"

you know...just replace 'something' with 'someone'

ok i'll stop the shippy

alaric death happens nearly every episode the stakes are low

this jed development though im happy

omg the acting range!!!!!

im so intrigued holy shit

god he's such a good actor

dont say landon

do not say landon will die

OH COME ON

GUYS

STOP WITH THE LANDON DYING PLOT PLEASE

stop putting hope through the same thing over and over and over

one step forward two steps back

look i understand landon's more or less human status obvi puts him in the most risk

but

we've seen this same thing over and over

the banshee did say there were many possible roads so maybe this is just a misdirect

JOSIE awwwwwwww shes so brave confessing to finch infront of all her friends

this is cute

shes gonna say no isnt she

yup

hmmmmmm

idk guys im really not vibin well with this pairing

hope.....that broke my heart poor cleo

lizzie no

no "stealing back"

just

advise josie to move on

or find out who finch is seeing i guess

maybe that'll bring josie closure?

wouldn't it be cool if this 'banshee drawn to inconsolable grief' thing was a foreshadow for hope confronting her grief

man banshee!jed was so cool i hope we see more acting from him

awww mg was trying to protect ethan from the full moon i think

finch is a werewolf

oh

"tomorrow's no good" duh okay that makes more sense now

so finch does like josie but theres the supernatural thing

boy does josie have news for you finch

oh boy mizzie scene...woo...

wouldn't it be funny if there was another methan twilight parallel

we got the werewolf aspect now

it could happen

ETHAN SAVED MG

YES GOD IM SO HAPPY

BOTH OF THEM SAVED EACH OTHER

this is what i mean when i say i love balanced relationships ajflhsdjfsdf

ah is the monster thing from the end of the last episode...

werewolf hope :D

awwwwwwwwwwww god i really do like hope and cleo

"no one's dying today" damn straight

"the truth is you're kind and brilliant and badass"-hope to cleo <3

are they...do methan have their own hideout...

ETHAN MADE A HERO BASE FOR THEM

GOD

DID

did mg

call ethan

"eeth"

they

they have nicknames

oh my god

elena's old room

the nostalgia

LIZZIE

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

WHY WHY WOULD YOU LIE ABOUT FINCH

like i understand josie not wanting to be apart of the supernaturalness anymore

but like

hgnnnnnnnnn

ik lizzie has good intentions but good lord

awww this is a cute handon scene

ANOTHER PICNIC thats so sweet

idk why im getting an odd vibe with this cleo and jed scene

oh

it's supposed to be strange

"i've never had a genius monster idea until standing next to you" hmmm

cleo's a muse

that doesn't mean she's evil which is hopeful

oh god why does the monster want handon hair

what type of voodoo shit are we gonna deal with next episode

--

I really liked that episode too! I guess what’s really making the past few episodes stand out is the character developments? So, I’m not really feeling josiexfinch BUT I like how it’s helping Josie’s character grow to try and be more confident with herself? I’m not cool with Lizzie lying to Josie about Finch. I understand it, I guess, but I don’t like it.

Methan. Nuff said. I’m not apologizing for my constant gushing over them lmao.

I wanna know more about Cleo.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Seeking Advice, Support, Validation

TW: sexual assault, mentions of non-consensual sex and the word associated with it, detailed description of trauma event, mentions of death and dying, ptsd symptoms mention

Hi. I’ve sent an ask in before, and you were so kind and validating then, so I thought I’d post again.

It’s September, now. In a few days the one year anniversary of being gang raped will be here and I am not doing well. I keep having really intense flashbacks and dissociation. I space out while working, driving, interacting with others. I have extra appointments set up with my therapist and she’s assured me she’s on standby should I need her. I have trouble leaving my house. My hyper vigilance is on high alert and I know it’s gonna take time and I know it’s going to take work and I know my avoidance is not making it better.

I’d like to go into detail about the experience in this next space, so tw again…

I had met a guy on a dating app and we talked for almost two months before agreeing to meet. He seemed normal, kind, we had similar world views and interests. I was going on a short trip close to his location and offered a neutral public space to meet. He agreed and we had a good time. It was during the second wave of Covid closures and since we couldn’t eat at a restaurant I offered my hotel suite which had a kitchenette and table. While we were deciding on what to eat we ran into a friend of his and his girlfriend who I immediately got along well with and invited them all up to my room. We ate and played video games. The girlfriend had to go into work and the friend left. The guy asked if it would be ok to make out and I agreed. What I didn’t realize was that as he was leaving the friend turned the security lock outwards so that my door wouldn’t fully close and he could get back in. He returned and together they raped me. While this was absolutely awful and traumatic it was made worse by the knowledge that the friend had contacted several other men who then proceeded to enter my hotel room rape me and leave (some even returning later) over a period of about 8 hours. None of them used a condom and several finished inside me. I was hit, choked and bound several times. No one used lube. Almost everyone was masked due to Covid or at least I assume it was due to Covid but it also served as a deterrent to identifying anyone. I checked out of the hotel. Bought plan b and tried to gather myself on my own, convinced no one would believe me. When I had therapy the next day my therapist was keyed into my discomfort and eventually I told her. My therapist then took me to my ObGyn to make sure I got treated properly. Though I was pretty badly beaten up I still refused to report. My therapist was kind and understanding but I felt bad for dragging her into such a mess. Almost a month later I developed a fever of 106 and couldn’t move. I initially assumed Covid and went to the er. As it turns out I had pelvic inflammatory disease resulting from chlamydia, a uti that had spread to my kidneys and an ectopic pregnancy in which the embryo had formed over the opening of my cervix. I didn’t report while in the hospital because the er doctor was a man who told me I needed to “choose my sexual partners more wisely” and “that guys don’t like girls who sleep around”After minor surgery and three days in the hospital as well as several medications I was referred to another ObGyn who agreed with me or rather supported my decision not to report. I healed up and tried to go back to normal. I couldn’t. My PTSD returned or maybe it was altogether new, with a vengeance. Night terrors, flashbacks, panic attacks, sex repulsion, hyper vigilance, depression, anxiety, the works. I’m scared of every man I even see because I can’t be sure they weren’t there. But I can’t talk about it. Talking about it means I have to admit it happened and it’s not only so shame inducing but I feel absolutely stupid for any choices I made that led to it in the first place. End of graphic description of trauma… safe to read on with original tw in place

AND now my grandfather is in the hospital with an infection in his heart. He is old and was previously doing chemotherapy and his body is just not able to fight it. The doctors have given him days at most.

So my problem is, it seems really selfish and wrong of me to dwell on my trauma when he is going to die. Like at least I am alive and in decent health right? My family is relying on me to take some responsibility for some things while my father is by his dads bedside. And my parents take care of my moms mom so I have picked up any slack there too. I have always been a person who busies themself through grief. But coupled with my spaceiness and dissociation I’m letting them all down. I forgot to give my grandmother one of her medications. I left the dog door open overnight. I didn’t clean up after my grandmothers dinner properly and the dogs got into the trash. I know it seems like little things but I feel like a failure of a human. My family doesn’t know what happened last year. I don’t think they’d take it well and they were never really supportive in the past, claiming my trauma made them uncomfortable and I should reserve it for my therapist. And anyway it seems almost wrong (?) to say “yes I know your dad is dying but I’m dealing with intense ptsd so sorry I can’t help you.” So I just don’t know what to do. I just feel terrible all around. This is the first time I’ve been able to really go through the experience and put it down in words so thank you at the very least for that. I’m sorry it’s so long I’m just really lost and your blog is so validating so thank you. -FK

Hi anon, 

I am glad that you felt like you could write into us again. I am so sorry for all you’re dealing with. Traumaversaries can be so difficult. I am really glad that you have a therapist that is in your corner and my first piece of advice is to take her up on the offer of being on standby if you need her. I also want to say that I am really proud of you for talking to her about this enough that you have extra appointments and that set up. I know it can be so hard but your comfort is important. What you’re going through is a lot and you deserve support.

It’s reasonable you don’t want to tell your family, especially given how they’ve reacted in the past. It seems hard to balance and I’m so sorry for that. But I do want to tell you that you are not being selfish. You are going through a lot of trauma, and the triggering aspect of the anniversary is a really valid really to be having a hard time. It would be valid even without that trigger looming over you. 

I am so glad you had your therapist with you when this all happened and I am beyond angry on your behalf at that doctor who said those things to you. I really don’t think people like him should have doctor’s licenses, and you did not deserve to be treated that way. 

It’s really valid that you aren’t ready to talk about it. Please don’t force yourself because it can be re-traumatizing to talk about it before you’re ready. Having a therapist for this is really good, but for some, it helps to have support of others that are validating. For this, I recommend trying to reach out to a trauma support group whether that’s online or in person. A good one won’t force you to talk about things before you’re ready but having the validation that this support group may give can be so helpful. A lot of times, people that have been through similar will have suggestions and tips that can be helpful too. But for me, it’s the feeling that I’m not alone. 

And I do want to say that to you. You are not alone. I know I’m just some random stranger on the internet, but I am here and I believe you and my thoughts are with you. 

You are not a failure of a human. I promise you that. You are human and you have a lot that you are trying to cope with right now and it’s beyond understandable that you are struggling. 

I also want to say that I am proud of you for putting it into words because that is an amazing step in the direction of talking about it. One of my questions/suggestions for you, is does your therapist know the whole story? If not, is writing it out for her like you did for us here a possibility? Even to copy and paste this ask and show it to her? Her having as much information as possible might allow her to help you more. If you aren’t ready for that, that’s okay. It’s really just a suggestion. 

I believe in you, anon. And you and your feelings are valid. I can promise you that. 

April

[revisitcd]

greetings, loved ones. i’m hannah, and i’m bringing you my girl jules AKA emotionally damaged. she’s my only one (for now). there’s info under the cut but basically i love her and also i love plotting so like this or hmu if you wanna plot! tw death and alcohol/drug use. info is below the cut! if you want to plot (my absolute favorite thing in the world), just shoot me a message or give this a like and i can come to you!!

(   danielle  campbell  &  crystal  reed   )   bopping  along  to  fireflies  by  owl  city  is  juliet  davenport  ,  the  twenty-three  year  old  cisfemale  thrown  back  to  their  hospitality  days  with  some  of  her  memories  .  voted  most  likely  to  win  the  lottery  and  lose  the  ticket  ,  jules  was  known  for  being  charming  &  naive  ,  go  figures  you'd  always  find  them  comforting  drunk  girls  at  the  bar  ,  but  grew  up  to  be  dedicated  &  overwrought  .  

I. HISTORY.

juliet winona davenport grew up with great parents, roger and lucy, who loved art and expression and reading (ie why she is name juliet). they moved around a lot because her father lectured at different colleges and her mom was a painter who was always searching out her muse. for a few years, they even lived out of a winnebago and traveled all over the country. it was a weird life, but a good one. unfortunately, roger passed away when she was only 13. it was unexpected and it threw her mom off the rails- lucy had always been very eccentric and roger’s influence had kind of been the thing that tempered her before. without him, she started really giving in to the worst parts of herself. she drank too much, stopped paying bills, went off on impromptu trips without thinking about how it would affect jules. after a few years, lucy got remarried to a guy who encapsulated the worst aspects of herself. they call themselves artists but mostly they just drank and got high. they didn’t last long, but the dynamic between lucy and jules never really recovered.

for all intents and purposes, juliet had been left to raise herself. honestly though, she doesn’t hold a grudge against her mom. she knew that lucy didn’t mean to be screw her over. she was doing her best to cope with a horrible situation. the fact of the matter was that lucy wasn’t cut out to be a single parent. she hadn’t ever learned to process her grief, so she just checked out. instead, jules did what she thought was better for both of them- she stepped up. she made sure that there was food on the table, that the bills got paid whenever they came through, and that things ran smoothly around the house.

II. COLLEGE.

once she got to college, winnie immediately set to creating for herself a new and better identity than the shy girl that spent all day listening to music alone. perhaps in a last-ditch attempt to please her parents, winnie went into a marketing major. it turned out to be a very good fit for her, as her practice in rebranding herself taught her a lot about how to succeed in marketing and vice-versa. she was the kind of student that rarely spoke in class, but when she did it was because she had something worth saying.

she pushed herself to try new things, make new friends, leave behind her past and make the most of every day. and for the first time, winnie was genuinely happy with her situation. she filled her life, and the lives of the people that she cared about, with constant adventures- maybe because she hated staying stagnant.  like if she were to stay in one place for too long, her hurt might finally catch up with her and people would realize that there wasn’t actually anything special about her.

she was the kind of person who always knew exactly what was happening and where. if concerts were happening, she probably already had tickets. if there was a party going on, you could usually find her at the beer-pong table. though she wasn’t ‘popular’ in the sense of cliques and power, she was one of those people who went out of their way to know and befriend everybody- at least on a surface level.

III. PERSONALITY THEN.

okay so here’s the deal jules is so full of love and sweet but also pretty sad; just doing her best tbh

she never goes by her full name unless she is so so so close with the person she’s talking to. it’s what her dad picked out and she still has a lot of sadness there

jules is actually a pretty sweet, happy girl. she just wants to look out for people and make them happy, which is why she has gone into hospitality.

she would do anything for anyone and is all about helping. definitely does charity work when she has the time and has done tutoring in the past, although that was as much for the money. your girl is BROKE

she is way too trusting. she has always believed the best in people, regardless of whether they deserve that. it’s probably led to her being used by people before

she probably has a pretty solid little library going in her dorm left to her by her dad. it’s pretty much the only thing she would have taken from her old life

IV. AFTER COLLEGE.

once she graduated, jules spent a few years working at a hotel. she’d always been a hard worker and the type to serve with a smile, so she really had found a good role for herself. she had dreams of eventually opening up a little bed and breakfast.

she ended up getting into a really serious relationship ( WANTED CONNECTION ) , the kind that really changes a person. she was head over heels in love with this person, honestly. things were going really well until one day they weren’t and before she could even process it, the relationship just ended. after the breakup, juliet really threw herself into her work. much like her mother, she wasn’t the type to sit with her pain. she wanted to be on her feet, moving all the time, never having to really process it.

because of her single-minded dedication to the job, juliet soon found herself rising in the ranks until she had a high level role in the management of the entire hotel chain. recently though, she’s been starting to wonder if she’s actually happy with the role. it isn’t something that she really ever wanted to do, and it’s kind of taken her away from the parts of the job that she loved the most.

V. PERSONALITY NOW.

juliet still has a lot of love in her heart and still keeps close friendships with people that matter to her. but she’s a lot more guarded now. there’s a hesitancy toward letting people in now that she knows how hard it is to see them leave

she’s a bit of a workaholic now, the type who is always checking their phone to see if new emails have come through.

she’s begun looking back at her time before her current job nostalgically. she’s not sure that she wants to make a change, or even that she’s brave enough to take a risk, but thoughts of her original dreams keep popping up in her head

VI. MEMORIES.

she has very some of her memories, bits and flashes. important moments, relationships, life changes- they’re there on the edge of her mind but she just can’t seem to reach them.

one of the strongest things she has is the general feeling of not being satisfied. she suddenly feels a huge push to do things differently and take more risks than she did before

[miamirelationship989]

Dating For Widows Over 50

Dating For Widows Over 50 For Men

Widows And Widowers Dating Site

Dating For Widows Over 50 Women

Widows and Widowers over Age 50chevron-down-small. Widows and Widowers over Age 50. Find out what's happening in Widows and Widowers over Age 50 Meetup groups around the world and start meeting up with the ones near you. Join Widows and Widowers over Age 50. Related Widows: Dating Sites Money. Email email this! Brittney Mayer Updated: Relationship's Deal. Browse Profiles Free. Sign up for FREE.After having been married, possibly for many years, and going through the trauma and grief that comes with the death of a spouse, widows and widowers may find dating daunting.

Some of the links below are affiliate links, so we may receive a commission, at no cost to you, if you make a purchase through a link. Check our disclaimer for more info. (* = affiliate link)

Losing a spouse is one of the hardest things to go through. You essentially lose your best friend and the person you did everything with. But, once you’ve come to terms with the loss, you may find yourself longing for another partner to spend the rest of your life with, and wonder if there’s someone out there willing to give you a chance.

Some dating tips for widows over 50 include dating another widower, don’t start dating until you feel ready, and don’t talk about your late spouse on the first date unless you’re asked, among other things.

It can be scary to go into the dating world when you’re a widow over 50, though. However, you’re human and all humans want to have deep, social connections. Read on for more great tips to get the next phase of your life started.

Be Honest About Your Age

It might be tempting to lie about your age, especially if you look younger than you really are. But while it can make you feel more youthful and perhaps even get you more dates, it’s best not to lie.

If you end up in a long-term relationship with the person you’re dating, they’ll appreciate your honesty. Lying about something like your age can break the relationship apart or cause your date to think you lie about everything.

Don’t be ashamed of your age; it’s just a number! It’s the way you act and your attitude that determines how attractive you are.

Date Another Widower

Another widower will understand the journey you’ve been through. This may make it easier to have conversations about how you’re feeling, which always makes a relationship stronger. It may also make certain things you do seem less awkward to the one you’re dating.

For example, if you keep photos of your late partner around, a fellow widower would understand without needing an explanation. Or, if you randomly cry because a place reminds you of your spouse, they won’t ask a bunch of questions or judge you.

You’ll both be on the same wavelength and understand the ups and downs of life after a significant loss.

Don’t Talk About Your Late Spouse on the First Date Unless They Ask

It might seem natural to talk about your late spouse, but consider not doing so on the first date. It might make things awkward, especially if you become emotional.

Your date might not know what to say to you, and this might make them uncomfortable or scare them away. If they ask, you can try to keep it brief, so you don’t go into an emotional spiral. Once things get a bit more serious, then you can talk about it in more detail.

That being said, it’s also very important to stay natural and genuine on a first date. So don’t pretend you’re a different person just for the sake of not talking about your late spouse.

Don’t Date Until You Feel Ready

Your family or friends might be pressuring you into dating again. But, things won’t work out if you’re not ready.

Whatever you do, don’t force yourself to get out there. Your heart and mind won’t be focused on finding someone to connect with. Take time to grieve—everyone does so at their own pace. Once you’ve grieved, you’ll feel a lot lighter, and dating will come more naturally. You’ll be happier and able to communicate about your late spouse in a more positive and constructive way.

Don’t Try to Replace Your Late Spouse

Of course, you’ll miss your late spouse, and you’ll probably want to find someone similar to them.

But there’s no one out there who can replace your previous spouse. And if you go searching for someone to do so, you’ll only end up disappointed and trying to change someone. You could also end up hurting the other person because they may feel they may never live up to your expectations.

Remember, each person has their own special qualities and are lovable in their own way. It’s okay to miss and appreciate your late spouse, but don’t ignore a great person if they’re in front of you now.

Be Yourself

As always, it’s important to be yourself when beginning to date again.

You may feel different because an important part of your life is gone, or you may want to change other aspects of yourself because you want to reinvent yourself, but don’t! Otherwise, you’ll come across as inauthentic and insecure.

Just be yourself, flaws and all. Your journey has made you a stronger person with a story to tell. You’ll find someone who connects with you and loves you for you.

Don’t Be Afraid to Date Someone Younger

Don’t feel restricted to your age group when dating after the loss of a spouse. You can date younger if you’d like to or if a younger guy or girl flirts with you.

As we stated previously, age is just a number. It may be refreshing to get some new perspectives and be introduced to cool technology or whatever else the younger generation is into these days. It can make you feel excited about life again.

Define Your Desires

Take some time to reflect on what it is you’re looking for when dating. You’re a different person than you were the last time you dated, so your desires will be different.

Dating For Widows Over 50 For Men

For example, when you were younger, you were likely looking for someone to build a family with. Now, you may have older kids or be established in your career, so your focus has shifted. Perhaps you’re looking for someone to travel or someone who simply makes you laugh, regardless of their financial status.

Widows And Widowers Dating Site

Get Busy With Activities

It’s important to stay busy by participating in some hobbies or going out with your friends. When dating, your partner wants to know that you’re not just sitting around waiting for them to call. Otherwise, they may really believe they’re just dating an old man or woman who needs someone to take care of them.

So, join a class, visit your local community center or partake in some kind of creative activity at home. It spices things up when you’re well rounded and have interests of your own. It’ll give you something to talk about when you go on dates, or you can even go on a date to do the activity together.

Dating For Widows Over 50 Women

Join a Support Group

These days, there are support groups for just about everything. You can probably find a support group for widows in your city or a nearby city if you look hard enough.

When you’re there, you’ll likely meet other widows or find someone through a member of the support group. Besides meeting a potential dating partner, joining a support group can help you through the grieving process so that you feel ready to date again.

Join a Dating Site for Widows

Just as there are dating sites for Christians, farmers, college students, and other groups of people, there are dating sites for widows.

Some of these sites include Elite Singles and Silver Singles. It may be nice to narrow down the dating pool to fellow widowers, and these sites make it simple. Online dating is also great because you can build your confidence through messaging before meeting potential partners face to face.

Conclusion

It could be hard to date when you’re a widow over 50, but it doesn’t have to be.

This article outlined some expert tips to help you get back into that phase of your life where you’re out meeting new people. Some notable tips include going to support groups to meet other widows, not dating until you feel ready, and not talking about your late spouse on the first date.

Hopefully, you can make use of them and enjoy some romance in your life.

Sources

Telegraph: 10 Dating Tips for Widows and Widowers

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Madokannon: Religious Symbolism in Madoka Magica

If there’s one word I’d use to describe the show, Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica, it would be deceptive. If you’re wondering how a cute Sailor Moon rip-off with even brighter colors and a moe art-style is deceptive, congrats, you fell for the deception. As the series continues, it becomes clear that the show is not a cut-and-dry monster of the week where good always triumphs. Rather it is a pastel-colored Faustian bargain where even the best intentions can lead to dire consequences. In the end it is only through the titular characters unshakeable hope and faith and no small amount of divine intervention that the series reaches it’s bitter sweet conclusion. This is obvious upon a first viewing. What is less obvious is the nature that this divine intervention takes. While the show occasionally makes direct connections to Christianity, It seems to me that the theology implemented is Buddhist through and through complete with Four noble truths, samsara, vile rebirth, and an allegory of the bodhisattva Kannon. 

Let’s start with the basis of the show, the wishes. This is one of Madoka’s most prominent aspects and the largest concern from the beginning of the series before the villain’s true underpinnings are revealed. For those of you not familiar, 1). Why are you reading this? And 2). The set-up of the Madoka,  like most magical girl anime, involves a cute animal mascot offering the girls magical powers in order to fight monsters. What makes this set up unique however is that the oh so cute cat-bunny-thing known as Kyubey also offers the girls one wish as an incentive so that they would accept it’s “contract”. Now the use of the word “contract” is an obvious red flag meant to alert us to the Faustian nature of the deal. And yes, the agreement comes with several hidden clauses that Kyubey conveniently leaves out such as the fact that becoming a magical girl involves having your soul removed from your body and placed into a gem because it’s “easier to protect”. But Kyubey’s not exactly stealing it like a Christian devil would. More importantly than the hidden clauses though, is the wishes themselves.

Now stories of the devil tempting people with promises of wealth or power are quite common in Western literature, as are tales of djinn or monkey paws providing wishes that always go wrong in Near Eastern lit. But what’s extraordinary about Madoka is that for the most part the wishes the girls grant are simple in nature and rather generous. Our main focus point, and the only wish we see pursued from beginning to end in chronological order is that of Sayaka Miki. Sayaka is established to be crushing on a boy who was a former violin prodigy before a car accident left him paralyzed with no hope of playing ever again. Sayaka wishes for him to be healed, and just like that, it’s done. 

The boy does not relapse, nor does he lead into another accident. He simply starts a miraculous yet slow path to recovery, until the series finale where he is shown without crutches and playing beautifully for a wide audience. The problem? Well as pointed out before Sayaka even makes the wish, she’s wasn’t actually doing it for him: she was on an unconscious level hoping that he’d be forever grateful to her. Does she hold this over him? No. Does he reject her? No. She simply doesn’t ask. Sayaka is too busy with her new responsibilities and ashamed of what she has become to ask. 

And frankly the importance of Kyosuke in Sayaka’s fall is largely overstated by the fanbase. Yes, he’s a large factor but even more so than wanting to heal him or his gratitude, Sayaka wants to be a hero. This is heightened when their magical mentor dies within the first three episodes. Sayaka now feels like it’s her responsibility to protect her city as no one else will. Unfortunately, she’s simply not as strong as her former mentor or the new morally unsound magical girls that seeks to dispose of her (both Kyoko and Homura). This is really what leads to Sayaka’s downward spiral as she comments, “The world doesn’t need a magical girl who can’t even kill a witch”. Sayaka wants to be a hero, and she wants to get the guy and she gets neither. Her desires, both fulfilled and unfulfilled, all lead to her suffering. This is the First Noble Truth of Buddhism. 

I realize this isn’t the most convincing argument on its own but let’s zoom out a bit here. What is desire if not earthly attachments? Attachment and inability to let go of attachment is a concept found in nearly all the wishes in the show. It doesn’t matter if it’s Sayaka’s wishing for her friend’s health, Mami literally trying to cling to life, or Kyoko (in the most directly religious moment in the show) wishing that people would come to her father’s sermons so that her family could have enough to eat. All of these desires are moral in some way and yet they are still desires. More importantly, they all involve a longing for what once was, and are attempts to return things to how they were rather than moving on. This inability to let go is characterized not just in the wishes but in the reason they’re implemented in the first place. 

When Kyubey finally explains why they knowingly cause suffering to countless adolescent girls throughout time, they explain it’s to harvest enough renewable energy from the emotions of magical girls to stave off the entropy of the universe. The whole process is rather convoluted and -let’s face it- an excuse to deconstruct magical girl tropes, but that doesn’t change the fact that preventing the heat death of the universe is still Kyubey’s number one goal. That combined with their inability to truly understand the suffering they’re causing has caused some of the community to question their villain status or at least say they’re a villain with a just cause. And while postponing the heat death of the universe may be noble in the long run, it is a literal fight against the impermanence of the universe. A fight that we know from Buddhism is doomed to only lead to personal trauma in the face of inevitability of a changing world. But it is this fight against impermanence that kyubey embodies so well, and one that is baked into the wish-based magical girl system they run. 

Ok, enough beating around the bush. It’s time to talk about Homura. After spending most of the show as a mysterious red-herring villain that knows far too much, Homura finally gets an episode dedicated to her near the end of the show where it’s revealed she’s a time traveller who restarted the timeline over and over again in order to make her wish come true; to be able to save Madoka. Specifically  Homura has to replay the same month over and over again until she can succeed in saving Madoka’s life and cannot escape until this goal is reached.  This obsession leads to a very literal samsara, by repeating the timeline again and again Homura is actively choosing to trap herself in endless cycles of suffering, death, and rebirth all because of her attachment to the mortal world. Through this process we can see Homura fall apart becoming more and more monstrous in her single-minded focus to save Madoka at the expense of everything else. By the time she arrives at our main timeline that the rest of the show takes place in, Homura is comparable to a hungry ghost. She’s directly accused of walking through the world as if dead, unable to feel anything except for the desire that damned her in the first place, her obsession with Madoka. When even this too seems lost, she nearly becomes a witch. 

In Mahayana Buddhism, rebirth on earth is not the worst thing that can happen after one’s death. If one leads a sufficiently desperate life they can be reborn as an animal, hungry ghost, or in hell. This is where Madoka’s witches come from. Perhaps the most tragic twist in Madoka Magica is that if a magical girl falls into despair (usually due to her wish’s inability to make her happy), her soul gem will transform into a grief seed which then becomes one of the monsters they fight. These nightmare collage monsters have new names separate from their old identities and live in pocket dimensions where they lure people in. These pocket dimensions often in someway manifests the desires of their old lives being filled with sweets, TVs, or (in Sayaka’s case) violinists. Interestingly, when Sayaka first dies and is reborn as the witch Octavia in a train station, her labyrinth is also full of railroad tracks. She relocates to a concert hall and the labyrinth follows suit, but train wheels remain despite having no apparent bearing on her previous life. This could be a reference to Buddhist beliefs about your final thoughts and which direction you look when you die having bearing on which realm you’ll be reborn into. 

Homura’s obsession in contrasted by Madoka’s ability to let go. Madoka’s final wish and subsequent ascension has often been compared to Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross, and rightfully so. Madoka’s wish to become a cosmic force that can take on all the despair of magical girls before they become witches at the cost of her own mortal life has many strong parallels to Jesus suffering on the cross to redeem humanity. However that idea only works if Jesus is suffering. Madoka is stated to be taking the grief of every magical girl who ever became a witch onto herself and we even see a far future version of her becoming a witch large enough to destroy the world. But before it does it is shot down by another version of a truly ascended Madoka in a white dress. This version states paradoxically that since her wish applies to all magical girls that would become witches, that includes herself. The fluidity of time and direct denial of the necessity of suffering or sacrifice are at odds with Orthodox Chriastianity, or at least its perception of Jesus. Rather I argue that the way Madoka saves all the magical girls, her subsequent erasure from existence, and even such mundane symbols such as the white dress all link her closer to the Bodhisattva, Kannon. 

Let’s take a closer look at the scene where we see Madoka actually ascends and manifests to relieve the potential witches of their grief. We see Madoka split herself into thousands shafts of light, all of which appear above different suffering magical girls in different places and time periods. And above all of them Madoka appears, she touches their corrupted soul gems which are then purified before shattering, allowing the magical girls to die in peace. A rather sad ending, but one that’s better than rebirth as a witch, which we already identified as equivalent to the hell realm. So while it is unclear where the magical girls are going to go after they die (or even if they go anywhere at all as we just saw the gems holding their souls shatter, possibly destroying them), we can know that Madoka is saving them from a worse rebirth. This directly parallels miracle tales that surround the Bodhisattva Kannon, especially in her Chinese incarnation as the white-robed Guanyin. 

Kannon is the primary example of Bodhisattva or one who has put off Budhahood to aid those still on earth. Kannon in particular swears to never ascend until all living things have been freed of samsara. She’s often depicted as having 11 heads and a thousand arms to better reach all those suffering in the world at once, like how Madoka splits herself into a myriad of forms. Many of these tales have devotees of Guanyin spared from tragic fates such as beheadings or shipwrecks. However a few, adapt these stories to instead refer to a more metaphorical salvation, especially in the pure land tradition popular in Japan which then says that anyone who calls out to Kannon on the verge of their death will be still die and be reborn to the pure land rather than wherever else they were supposed to reincarnate. Madoka’s god form even highly resembles the Chinese incarnation, Guanyin. Wikipedia states, “Guanyin is generally portrayed as a young woman wearing a flowing white robe, and usually also necklaces symbolic of Indian or Chinese royalty. In her left hand is a jar containing pure water, and the right holds a willow branch.” While we never see Madoka with any water; the flowing white dress, red gems along her collar bone, and branch-like bow (though on that seems to be more of a sakura branch) all bring to mind Guanyin.

Finally Madoka’s ascension ends with her body dissolving into glimmers of light as she explains how no one will remember her, but she’ll still be there. This dissolution of the her spiritual body is a visual symbol of ego-death. Madoka recreates a word where she does not exist, and had never existed, yet still manifests as a concept and virtuous force that leads others to salvation rather than as a sentient entity. This is the Nirvana. Madoka hadn’t just ascended to godhood, she had surpassed it and achieved nothingness, as her buddha nature radiates throughout the world, ultimately changing it into something better. This is the paradox of Buddhism and the goal of any buddhist practitioner, to achieve an inner peace so strong you become a part of the universe like madoka had. And the new world she created was better for it. 

That is at least until the show decided to  make a movie sequel and trick madoka into descending. At that point she stops acting as a Buddha and instead as Pistis Sophia in line with the obscure belief system of 2nd century Gnostics. But that will be a conversation for another time.