#one of the hardest TLs I did but it's worth it

[xwinterxgalaxy7]

Handcuffed Together?! / Source

[scandalouslamb]

artemisia- 5, 14 & diana- 10, 23 for the OC ask game!

ask game

again, spoilers for my oc fics and also tw: mentions of physical abuse

Artemisia Click

How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

Hmmm, it depends? I think if her wants are the only thing that matters, then she'll go as far as necessary. If her wants conflict with someone's she cares about, then she'll compromise. For example, in Close Your Eyes, she breaks up with Felix, because she isn't convinced that he likes her romantically (she thinks he feels pressured to be with her which isn't 100% wrong). She knows that she wants to get married to escape her home life, but she is compromising with Felix's want (to not get married so young to someone he at this point isn't 100% sure at how he's feeling romantically without a reason). She'd probably prefer getting married to him (or Festus, not that she really clocks that at that point in the story) than anyone else, but she's not going to push him.

If Artemisia did, however, marry someone else and then later found out that Felix (and Festus) were romantically interested in her, well... Uh, cue the most scandalous affair that likely ends with the messiest divorce and then her hasty remarriage to Felix or Festus (probably Felix, it's the most strategic move). It's so scandalous, it's so sensational, the entire Capitol is agape. Everyone who knows them is like shocked at what happened but also somehow not surprised. If Artemisia's hypothetical husband isn't like Hilarius or someone that they grew up with and also isn't willing to divorce, that man's dead. Sorry hypothetical man in this barely fleshed out AU, you died.

tl;dr, she'll go all out if no one else (close friends or lovers) is holding her back to get what she wants

How does your OC want to be seen by other characters?

I think she'd want to be seen as loveable. She wants to be important to some people, to matter. I think having suffered abuse from her father and then having most of Capitol society just ignore that. It did do a number on her self-worth. She hates people for not doing something, but in the back of her mind, she has the mentality where some abuse victims blame themselves for the actions of their abuser? she has that in her subconscious.

She doesn't care if people see her as weak or strong. She doesn't care if they think she's an idiot or smart. She just wants people to care.

Diana Ravinstill

What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

An AU where her parents aren't dead or irreversibly changed to be unable to fully parent properly would be great! How do I get there?

I just want to see Felix get to be an overprotective dad, and Festus to get to be a little less relaxed but also backup to Felix's shovel talk. I want whatever messy emotional conversations that can only happen between mothers and daughters to happen between Diana and Artemisia!

Also specifically, in an AU where the throuple somehow makes it to the 2nd Rebellion, and they get to meet Coin without being super not themselves anymore (Felix!). I think they'd have a(n awful) field day reacting to Diana's newest situationship.

Give Diana more time with her parents AUs would be great...

What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

Probably grief and sadness. Just the absolute mess of a childhood that she has in every universe ensures this.

I think grief gets so mixed with anger and resentment. She'd turn her sadness and grief into rage and lash out. That's what she does in most of the fics. Close Your Eyes! Diana hasn't put herself in a position to be able to lash out against the new government/the Mockingjay for Coin's death, so she sits and stews on her rage like Festus in the same fic. But! She does take her frustrations out on the Creeds ironically. She steals all their wealth. She's probably messing with them like I mess with Felix's extended family.

Diana bonds with Coin through rage filled grief. It's no surprise that Diana who in a better political position (like in It's Still You) tries to take her grief out on the rest of the country.

All That You Can Do! Diana's obviously a bit different from the others. Grief and sadness probably gets matched with a restless energy. She's not angry but she has to do something with her sadness. For her parents, she has to honor them (actually, at it's most extreme manifestation, this coincidentally manifests similarly to Felix's whole insecurity about not living up to the Ravinstill name)

...

Thanks for the asks! Again, a little distracted while answering so hopefully this makes sense!

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

hey so I’m not trying to be gross but this genuinely something that I wonder about like how does mc survive on her period in a mansion full of vampires? Especially with a pure blood like Comte or Leonardo like can’t they sense it? sorry if this is weird I’m just genuinely interested In like pure blood and vampire lore and like what they pick up on especially comte as he’s a fave. I’d love to hear your thoughts as always I love your posts and I hope you’re doing well and staying safe and healthy 💛☺️

Haha, please don’t worry! 😂😂😂 I’ve often wondered about the very same thing, and while I don’t have any canon answers, I can offer the most likely scenario from my understanding of the game. Hope you’re doing well too, lovely, thank you! Stay safe out there~💛💛💛

Given what I know, and the fact that blood is only a small component of the discharge that comes with one’s period, I’d wager it poses a low risk generally speaking. I think the plan would be to make sure everyone’s on guard and has been keeping up with their usual doses of Blanc/Rouge (no waiting until you starve, Jeanne, yes that is a threat) but otherwise everyone proceeds as they normally would. I think it would be hardest on the vamps who are most sensitive to the presence of blood/have a harder time controlling their thirst, like Isaac and Arthur. 

Purebloods have been canonically established as having a much lower tendency to bloodlust by comparison to lesser/turned vampires, so I very much doubt Comte or Leonardo would react much. A blip on the screen for them, nothing more. (I often categorize Jeanne as the closest to pureblood level reactivity because his ability to control the thirst is exceptional; the only time he has ever come close to attacking MC was when he was at a point of intense starvation.) I think the only time her period could potentially become risky is if one of them was starving (and therefore reacting on the level of base instinct) or grievously injured. If they have feelings for her or she’s in a relationship with one of them, it may make them want to bite her more, but I don’t think they’d necessarily act on it. I’d assume most of them would be reluctant because MC is already losing blood as it is? Better to be safe than sorry, and all that.

As for whether or not they can anticipate it, I’m really not sure? It’s possible they might sense hormonal changes, but given I haven’t seen them react to anything so slight I can’t be sure. Purebloods I’d say it’s a coin toss; it’s very possible they can sense it before it comes--but I just have no way of knowing for sure. Lesser vampires, I very much doubt it. 

That being said, you bring up a very timely contention (for me) as of late. Which is to say: what are purebloods capable of sensing? I’ll be elaborating on a recent JPN collection story event that included Comte, as it had a very interesting tidbit that I’d like to share with y’all. It isn’t a huge spoiler as I’ll be focusing on the pureblood lore that was included, but for those who don’t want to see it I’ll be placing it under a cut. (Also some slight spoilers for Comte and Leo’s main story rt).

Mandatory spoiler warning:

So this last event featured MC and her suitor taking care of a child for a few days, in which they act like a pair of surrogate parents. Naturally, being a feral Comte stan, I got his story. In it, both he and MC are taking care of a young girl named Emma--the daughter of a fellow aristocrat (a friend of his). At some point during the story, MC accidentally loses sight of Emma while hanging up the laundry. MC searches the entire mansion but can’t find her anywhere, and she begins to panic when Comte encounters her. Alarmed, he gently asks her what’s wrong and she explains what happened. There’s a brief pause [”...”] and then he says “It’s okay, MC. Emma is–”. Comte then leads her to the gazebo where the little tyke is fast asleep, taking a midday nap in the shade. Naturally MC is relieved to see her safe, but also a little baffled as Comte led her directly to Emma. 

MC: “I’m so glad she’s okay. But…how did you know she’d be here?”

Comte: “Purebloods are good at sensing/detecting nearby human beings.”

And I ????? Granted it’s possible it got translated incorrectly but...I really don’t understand how else he would have known exactly where she was? If MC asked around and searched the entire place and still couldn’t find any trace of her, how would Comte have just known in an instant? Additionally, if he spotted her before he found MC panicking, then I doubt he would have just left her there without an adult/guardian nearby--he would have either stayed there or taken her with him. 

So this makes it plenty plausible that he really did just sense her presence in the vicinity. But........like..........howmst in the fuck. Is that even possible. I have no idea, but I find it a little shocking that I’ve only discovered this now? I mean maybe I missed it somewhere else where this tidbit of lore came up, but as far as I know they don’t discuss it much? The most I remember is Comte giving very clear indications that purebloods were able to sense each other, but I assumed that was restricted to purebloods only...

That being said I’ve been thinking about it and, well, there are at least three pretty strong instances in the game that could affirm his claim in this story. Namely: the beginning of the story itself (Comte’s POV of the prologue), the kidnapping incident in Comte’s main story, and the beginning of Leonardo’s main story.

I remember @a-maidens-dream asking about something very interesting in Comte’s POV story, and at the time I was a little unsure what to do with the information--it wasn’t aligning in a way that made sense. But I think this might help that tidbit fall into place? I think that Comte really hadn’t realized she followed him into the door until she was already in the mansion, and as such this ability to sense humans would explain why he knew she was there before Napoleon even told him anything. If purebloods can sense human people, then he would know a human being entered the house because of the species signature; the only human person living there otherwise was Sebastian. I’m not sure if the sixth sense is acute enough for him to be able to differentiate between human people. (My guess is that it’s not that specific, or if it is, the pureblood has to know the person very well to be sure.)

Building on that, this is a subtle distinction, but it still stood out for me. In his main story route, both MC and a fellow aristocrat (a woman she was friends with) are taken to these small cabin things in the middle of the woods. All Comte, Napoleon, and Jeanne have to go on is the general location of these hideouts. They decide to split up; Comte goes one way, Napoleon and Jeanne go another. I find this instance particularly interesting because Comte’s POV indicates a kind of loss of rational thought--he is 100% in a panic state, just moving to satisfy one objective: save MC before time runs out. This suggests that Comte very much could have been relying on that sense to pinpoint her and her assailants. We have no evidence to believe he was ever a soldier or somebody with extensive experience in tracking--or that knew the landscape well. But he only trusts she’s alive and unharmed for sure when he has her in his arms again, suggesting either that this sixth sense has its limits (in regards to specificity of the person being detected) or that his judgement in that moment was too compromised for it to be clear.

The last one, and perhaps the funniest possibility of the three, lies in the beginning of Leonardo’s main story route. Iirc, Leonardo spends much of that time hauling MC around the mansion to interact and properly situate herself in the mansion’s social dynamic. While this may just be a coincidence, MC notes that she actively tried to hide from him and make herself scarce, but whenever she tried no amount of stealth worked. One can certainly argue he just paid attention or asked other residents about where she was, but I do think it’s worth considering? I need to re-look at the chapters, but I seem to recall her trying to hide in a garden shed and he still found her immediately and just picked her up and walked right back out. 

Tl;dr: So does this mean Comte/Leo can sense when MC is on her period? I have no idea, but at this point I really can’t be sure what abilities they do and don’t have!

[theres-an-impulstor-among-us]

A Suffocating Whirlpool

Summary: Grian’s relationships with some of his friends are at a low and he’s feeling overwhelmed. Dying and losing all his stuff was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Thankfully, there’s another hermit on the server who has experience with this kind of thing and knows how to help.

(note: I had to adjust the canon timeline slightly for this to work)

…

  It’s gone. It’s all gone. There’s no way anything survived those tnt blasts. The first one took Grian out and the rest destroyed his stuff. That’s the only thing that makes sense to Grian. He knew deep down he wouldn’t find his things when he returned to the scene of the explosion but it still hurts.

  Leaving the mangled floor of his newest tower alone, he stumbles over to the bench outside the building that Etho now owns and slumps onto it, his stomach squirming with nausea. 

  Taking out his communicator, he shakily taps out a private message to his former best friend. 

<Grian> mumbo are you busy

<Grian> i just really need to talk to someone right now

  A pause.

<Grian> please?

<Mumbo Jumbo> Not now, sorry.

  Grian deflates. 

  The logical part of his brain is screaming that Mumbo is just busy with Pacific. It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk to Grian. He’s just busy with Pacific. He has to be. 

  He scrolls through his other contacts on his device, searching for someone he can message. Anyone at all. 

  Bdubs and Scar? Haven’t spoken to him since the Sewer Cats broke up. 

  Impulse? Currently feuding with him over the whole BOVE situation.

  Keralis? Still ticked off about the secret base shenanigans.

  Iskall? Siding with his Pacific business partner. 

  Etho and Zedaph? Haven’t been seen around the server lately. 

  Grian buries his face in his hands. He feels utterly hopeless. There’s nobody he can turn to at all. Nobody he feels close enough to to confide in about his feelings. 

  “Grian?”

  He recognises the voice but doesn’t look up. “I’m fine.”

  Tango raises an eyebrow. “If “I’m fine” is the first thing you say in a conversation, I don’t think you’re very fine.”

  He sits down on the bench next to Grian, who lets out a quiet sigh. “Yeah… things aren’t fine.”

  “Do you wanna talk about it? I’m willing to listen.” 

  Grian hesitates, but his emotions are running wild and he feels the urge to talk about them. So he does. He spills his guts out to Tango, rambling about all the thoughts and feelings he’s bottled up over the last few weeks. 

  “-and there’s nobody else I can talk to about this because Keralis and Cleo are still annoyed about the secret base thing, Mumbo isn’t talking to me because our businesses are in competition, Impulse isn’t talking to me either because of our stupid feud over building heights, and now I just died and lost everything and I want to just jump into the void because I feel like it’d hurt less than this.”

  His voice cracks and he buries his face in his hands, fresh tears dripping down his cheeks. 

  Tango silently wraps his arms around Grian and lets him cry into his shoulder, soothingly rubbing his friend’s arm. 

  “Just let it out, G,” he murmurs kindly. “Let it all out.”

  Grian cries until he has nothing left, then he finally lets himself relax into Tango’s embrace, mentally drained. 

  “I just wish I wasn’t the only one going through this,” he whispers.

  Tango continues rubbing Grian’s arm. “Believe it or not, I know exactly how you feel, G.”

  Grian glances dubiously at him. “Really?”

  “Yeah. I totally get it. I got the same thing all the time when I was working on Decked Out.”

  Grian sits up straight, frowning. “Wait… really?”

  Tango nods. “Mhm. The whole turf war was starting to escalate when I started so I had that in the background while I was working on Decked Out. I saw so many cold and awkward interactions between the two sides, some even to the point of open hostility. Having so many people not getting along with each other at once really flared up my anxiety levels, and working on such a massive project at the same time didn’t really help. I’d spend hours at a time working on a single redstone component of the game but it still wouldn’t look right and I’d be so much more frustrated than I normally would be because of this extra pressure on me. 

  “Eventually, I’d go out to the shopping district or something and something small would happen, like maybe my elytra would break. Now logically, I know that I can just go and repair it super easily, no big deal. We have a ton of XP farms. But after the day I’ve been having, my brain doesn’t think about that. This tiny thing has brought all my bottled up emotions to the surface and I just want to lie on the floor and cry until I pass out. Honestly…” He hesitates. “Don’t tell anyone, but that actually did happen to me a few times during the war. And the only person I could talk to about it was Zed, because everyone else I’m close to was involved in the war. But Zed… gets overwhelmed by conflict very easily, so I stopped going to him after a while. I didn’t want to drag him into my suffocating whirlpool of anxiety and crappiness.”

  He pauses as he registers Grian staring at him. “What?”

  Grian’s mouth is open slightly. “I just… I’ve never heard a better explanation for this whole situation than a “suffocating whirlpool of anxiety and crappiness”.”

  Tango chuckles. “Told you I know how you feel, G.”

  “I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have doubted you. That sounds absolutely awful and I never knew you were going through it that whole time. What do you do to make it feel better?”

  “The best solution is actually the hardest,” admits Tango. “Eliminate the conflicts one by one. Distracting yourself works short-term but inevitably, you’ll sink back down to that horrible place where you can’t sleep and everything feels horrible and you can’t bring yourself to do even simple tasks. Being able to cross off at least one source of conflict takes the pressure off massively.”

  Grian thinks about this for a moment. “What did you do?”

  “Me? I reconciled with Impulse and Etho. Wanted to make it clear that even though we were on opposite sides of the war, it didn’t mean we had to be enemies. I worried myself sick whenever I even thought about them but when I actually talked to them, everything went completely fine, and I slept so much easier that night. Suddenly, it seemed like everything I’d spent weeks obsessively worrying over was reduced to almost nothing. Heck, I finished Decked Out two days later after weeks of slow progress.”

  “Whoa… It really helped that much?”

  Tango nods. “It helped way more than I can ever really express. Just knowing that despite everything going on that I still had Impulse and Etho to go to if I needed it was absolutely my lifeline. So my TL;DR advice to you is this: find someone who makes you feel better, and if you’re currently feuding with them, make up with them. It’ll be difficult but the payoff will be worth it in the long run.”

  Grian is silent for a minute or so, turning over everything in his head.

  Finally, he rises to his feet and smiles. “Thanks so much, Tango. It’s good to know that there’s someone else on the server who knows what I’m going through.”

  Tango stands up too and gives his friend a pat on the shoulder. “Anytime, G. I’m always here.” 

…

  Grian takes a deep breath, hovering outside the office. Tango’s advice echoes in his head, particularly one line: “It’ll be difficult but the payoff will be worth it in the long run.” Sure enough, his heart is pounding out of his chest and his hands have gone clammy, but he knows that now he’s here, he has to go through with this. He has to get his best friend back.

  He knocks on the door. “Mumbo, it’s Grian. D-Do you have a few minutes to talk?”

  Silence. 

  Silence.

  Silence.

  Finally: “Come in, Gri.”

  Something in Mumbo’s tone, plus Mumbo’s use of his special nickname for Grian, tells him everything’s going to be fine. Their friendship is stronger than this conflict; Grian is confident they’ll work things out.

  His confidence slowly returning, Grian pushes open the door.

[oatmealcrisp-freak]

I've struggled with depression on and off for years and turns out over quarentine, they did a blood test and I was severely vitamin d deficient. So now I'm taking vitamin d!

It's wild to hear about vitamin D and dopamine having proven correlation, because during the day when I'd sit by my window I would be so much happier than when I was sitting by my computer, even if doing the same thing.

I'm moving my computer to be closer to my window now lol

Sorry if this was kind of rambly, but TL;DR speaking from experience you are right!!! Get your vitamin D!!!!

I've heard people joke that humans are basically weird, fleshy plants. Don't get enough sun and water and oopsy poopsy, the plant gets sick.

It..really sucks that self care is the hardest to do when we need it most but that's where turning and walking away from the white rabbit helps so much. Identifying that's what's happening and pushing yourself to do what you need anyway.

There's a fine balance of course, between respecting a body's needs and pushing it where it needs to be pushed. But it's worth it to put effort into discovering where that balance is for ones self. It also allows us to better communicate our needs to other people, our boundaries, in addition to self-identifying what in the BEANS is happening and getting off the path down the rabbit hole.

So if it works, it works, and for a lot of people vitamin D and sun does. That's definitely a good conversation to have with a doctor or pharmacist, and I think that's why a lot of doctors recommend getting outside and exercising. It seems to stimulate healthy dopamine production, possibly because of the vit D aspect, which regular exercise also seems to increase, according to a 2011 Harvard study.

Our brains are weird little. Hyper interconnected things.

Being a person is such a hassle.

If I don't come back in my next life as a tree, I'm rioting. I don't know how a tree would riot but I'm gonna do it LOL

As far as science goes, I don't mean this to invalidate anything you've said, because I agree with you, but I just want to make a note of caution. I try to stay away from words like proven, because science as we know it is basically the best guesses of our smartest brain people. Numerous studies I've found seem to show a correlation between vitamin d deficiency and MANY illnesses, not just the brain ones. But ofc, as far as the internet goes especially, it's healthy to maintain some degree of skepticism as well as faith.

Like. I couldn't begin to confirm for myself to confirm that there's causation between vitamin D and dopamine. I just like Googling things. The studies seem legit but a week ago or so I found a study that said booze is good for rheumatoid arthritis. The internet is WILD.

I can't remember which book I read that espoused how science these days is often treated like an infallible religion that in turn stems our growth, but those sure are some words that stuck with me and turned my world on its head.

I think Neil deGrasse Tyson got in trouble for that on Twitter when he was mic-dropping with some flat earthers.

Note, I would not define flat earthers as maintaining a healthy degree of skepticism, but questioning the 'facts' and trying to find them out for yourself is NEVER wrong.

Anyway sorry for my own rambling. But I did take my vitamin D just now! So thank you for the reminder, anon, and for sending this in! I am so happy to hear that you're doing better. And you're gonna keep on getting better. For every valley there is a rise.

Unless you're quantum tunneling in which case congratulations. Fucking high five, mate, we got this!!! WHOO! VITAMIN D. It's the best vitamin cus it's a dick pun.

[triforce-princess]

well, i finally 100% completed hyrule warriors age of calamity in its entirety, including post game content, so i’m finally going to write a full review. beware this review will contain every spoiler imaginable so please do not click the read more if you haven’t finished the game yet and don’t want to be spoiled!

tl,dr; this game is a lot of fun despite some of its shortcomings and it’s really nice to see characters get the development they needed in breath of the wild. also a huge improvement gameplay-wise from the first game. if you’re a fan of breath of the wild it’s worth a try, just don’t expect breath of the wild style of gameplay! and if you’re a fan of the original hyrule warriors, you are going to love this a lot. ok now to get into the details. this is extremely long;

about the gameplay; it took me a while to fully adjust to the new controls and mechanics, but once i finally understood it it was so much fun. i originally wasn’t crazy about the sheikah slate runes since it was difficult at first to remember that a. i had that ability, and b. when the proper time to use it was. but when it finally clicked for me it brought a whole new interesting layer to the gameplay that challenged my memory in a fun way. it took me even longer to learn what the use of the rods were but those were great in a pinch once i figured it out. i also loved the flurry rush mechanic since dodging is a pretty important aspect of the gameplay. all these new layers added to this gameplay makes me wonder how i ever put up with the original hyrule warriors gameplay lol. something i wasn’t entirely crazy about was the wall jumping and paraglider stuff? i never really found it useful and it always just became a problem when i was trying to dodge and i’d be confused about why my character was slowly flying around at critical moments.

the camera in this game was pretty frustrating. with the more organic map & lots of tight spaces (which i’ll get more into later), the camera would get stuck a lot and you’d be unable to really see what’s going on and it got pretty frustrating at times. i wish there were some way they could fix that but i’m not sure what they could do without having the camera go out of bounds & show the edges of the map. maybe they could’ve made some of the objects that are in the middle not be things the camera get stuck on though.

i also felt like there were too many special effects going on with some enemies and attacks, sometimes it would cover up large parts of the screen & you wouldn’t be able to see what you were fighting and that was pretty stressful (i found myself frequently yelling “i can’t see!!” when i’d defeat a guardian or something in a room with lots of other enemies. this only became an issue in the later parts of the game though.

now about the maps, i do love how much more organic and natural they are. it’s a big upgrade from the original which had a lot of wide corridors leading into square rooms which were allied/enemy basses. but unfortunately, this causes issues with navigation and the camera getting stuck (like i mentioned before). i had a lot of problems where the map was too natural and i was confused about why i was getting stuck on level geometry when it looked like i could walk through there. i think the breath of the wild style makes this confusing too because you can’t really undo a thousand hours of being able to walk through nearly everything. but also it was just really unclear what was a wall and what wasn’t sometimes. i was surprised i actually had to zoom in on the mini map and look at that to move around at times. definitely an ambitious aspect of the game & i appreciate the effort and detail, but i don’t know if it works that great for this style of gameplay. i also don’t know why they bothered putting so many small details on the ground if they’re just going to pop in so close to the camera. it was kind of awkward when you cleared out all the enemies & were traveling to another location and it was the only noticable thing on screen.

speaking of ambitious, we can’t ignore this game’s framerate issues. it’s the first thing on everyone’s minds when talking about this game. most of the time, it was pretty acceptable. but they definitely pushed this game farther than the switch can go and it shows. i really appreciate the love they put into making this game as detailed as they did, but i don’t know if it was worth it in the long run. there’s only a couple times i can think of where the framerates got absolutely unacceptable, and it always seemed to be when there was a lot of electricity and enemies on screen at the same time. it happened once during the final vah naboris mission and another time where there were a ton of electric lizalfos all shooting electricity at once at the same time you have to fight an electric lynel. but, i’m not the kind of gamer that loses my shit over dropped framerates, i grew up with the n64 & have had to put up with poor early emulation many times in my life so framerates don’t really phase me until it just gets unplayable.

wasn’t crazy about how many late game missions were just boss rushes, but that’s pretty standard hyrule warriors fare. at least it was more fair in this game where most of the time you only had to fight one boss at a time and the next boss wouldn’t spawn in until you beat the first one, so there was no risk of accidentally aggro-ing a boss in another part of the map & have an unfair fight on your hands like in the first game. it was pretty anti-climactic how the seemingly final mission which had the highest recommended level was just another boss rush, and not even the hardest one (it was just a bunch of regular malice bosses in a row).

bit of a side note but i didn’t like having to grind for materials and find koroks for 100%. the koroks weren’t nearly as bad as breath of the wild though, thank god.

i’m pretty disappointed that some content that’s clearly in the game isn’t unlocked in the base game, it’s looking pretty likely that they’ll add it as dlc later & pretend it’s new content to make the game relevant again...i’ve always firmly believed dlc should be extra content that’s added in later. hopefully they’ll add some really cool stuff as dlc alongside the stuff that’s in the game & it won’t be so disappointing. there’s two characters i was sure would be unlocked as playable characters (sooga and astor) but i found it weird that you don’t get them in the post game and instead you get to play as the egg guardian (terrako) and calamity ganon???? talk about subverting expectations. also really frustrated to learn that zelda’s royal dress isn’t available in the base game but its in the files & is just missing one body part?? really hope that’s just a free update and not like, paid dlc. kind of dumb that they didn’t give the devs one extra day to model feet on the character.

about the story; the story starts out really strong i feel, i loved seeing characters get the development they didn’t get in breath of the wild and this game’s story makes breath of the wild’s story feel even more incomplete than it did before this game came out. and actually seeing the story play out in chronological order in real time without link having amnesia gave the story so much more feeling and connection. this is probably my favorite aspect of this game because i was always so disappointed with how disconnected you feel in breath of the wild because of the way the story is told. and it does so much of a better job illustrating link and zelda’s feelings. i’m probably the single most difficult person to convince when it comes to link and zelda being in a relationship or having feelings for eachother and i thought this was quite possibly the best master sword scene in any zelda game;

in previous games link has always had to prove his courage in a variety of trials spread across the land and to me its really boring, especially after how many times its been done. the thing that gets me about this scene is the master sword deems him worthy because of his desire to protect zelda even when he’s been beaten down & disarmed. that was a really beautiful moment to me & i’m glad they wrote the scene this way.

speaking of being worthy of power because you want to protect someone, i wasn’t really that crazy of zelda unlocking her power just because she loves link but honestly this game illustrated it in a much better way & i’m more down with it now. i loved this shot how it really captured what she was feeling;

it’s also in general awesome to see the champions in action, both in gameplay and in cutscenes. i remember being in awe the first time i got to play as urbosa. it feels like we finally really got to know them and how powerful they really were, instead of breath of the wild just telling us they were cool & we just had to believe it.

now for the part i know people say this game is shit because of; the time travel aspect. yeah, it’s a little silly and nonsensical, but honestly, it was kind of fun. and i don’t get how a time travel plot is somehow weird for the zelda series. the most critically acclaimed game of this series, ocarina of time, is entirely revolved around a time travel plot & the heroes would not have won if it weren’t for time travel in that game. yeah, it’s goofy, but this series is known for its nonsensical aspects & plotholes. there’s always some kind of unexplainable magic in this series that solves problems. i don’t think that makes this game shit. plus i was kind of starstruck when i first got to play as sidon lol. i was thinking to myself, man, who would’ve known 3 years later we’d get to play as sidon! crazy! none of the champion descendants were really my favorite to play as but it was still cool to see them & play as them.

something i didn’t understand was why kohga and the yiga clan joined zelda’s cause? i feel like a vital scene got cut. i don’t get why he’d join even when astor betrayed him, considering his group’s ambitions and how many times they tried to kill zelda. and where’d sooga go? the scene of astor betraying them kind of implied he was going to die but we never got confirmation of that, and he even shows up in a post game mission as an ally (no cutscene, just one line of dialogue during gameplay)

as for the ending, i guess it was alright? astor was a really lazily written villain and i just did not care for him at all. kinda don’t even care that we don’t get to play as him (yet, probably). calamity ganon’s design in this game was terrible. and i guess it would’ve been hard to make it work, but no beast ganon? just felt a little to easy to wrap up. despite this i guess it was nice to see hyrule get a happier ending even if it was a bit nonsensical at times. also this is just a bit of a personal thing for me but i liked seeing  hyrule before it was destroyed. it always bums me out when you find a locaiton in game that’s been destroyed & you can only think about what it mightve looked like before. this is something that’s bummed me out since wind waker (was always disappointed you don’t get to see what greatfish isle is like!!) and breath of the wild gave me so much disappointment in that aspect lol.

one final thought but it was odd to me how many lines revali got & how often he interacted with link lol. was weird to see him slowly warm up to link a little towards the end (but of course he’s still a little mean...). no other character acknowledges link as much as revali. this scene confused me the most??

there were so many other people revali could’ve spoken to. he barely even acknowledges teba who was the one who specifically came to his aid!! and the way link looks at him with big puppy eyes?? link barely makes a facial expression at anyone else! and how revali expresses gratitude for the first time in his life after looking at link’s stupid cute anime face and smiles (but he turns around because he would be too ashamed to smile at link i guess)

anyway that’s it, i finally got out all my thoughts about this game. this went on way longer than i intended and i’m sorry if you read the whole thing & it took forever lol. this game is fun, get it.

[touchmycoat]

I LOVE YOUR PORN AU!!!!! LIKE SO MUCH - and i'm just. if you don't mind me asking, how - the way you flesh out the characters, their motivations, and feelings in every scene in such an eloquent way, and just little things here and there, a habit or an activity that adds dimension to who they are, and - your prose is wonderful. you achieve this addictive, engrossing narrative space that readers just absolutely melt into, and i have to ask - how did you develop your writing style? 1/2

what books did you read that formatively shaped the way you write? or you know, what did you do to improve your writing? i'm so in awe of how you world-built and established the porn au - like lqg & hc being national taolu champions?? how do you come up with that stuff? i cannot comprehend the amount of research and effort that must've gone into porn au, and i'm just so deeply thankful that you decided to share that with us. i apologize if i'm coming on too strong, but wow. thank you 2/2

--

oh my god please don't apologize, when i saw your ask i rolled on the floor giggling hysterically for a solid 15 min, bless your heart

part of the answer to your question—i've taken like, 8 years' worth of creative writing classes/workshops! there was also a transnational literary component to my degree so whenever possible, i took literature classes fksjdfksd so whatever you see and like is definitely the result of a lot of work. My writing from not even 10 years ago but like, 5? horrid, ridiculous, wild, cringe. The Porn AU itself is the second draft of a MUCH more lackluster piece.

about my writing style. gosh, you really know how to make a writer blush. "I like your writing style" is literally an instant kill LMFAO okay okay, the useful answer: my primary criteria for choosing what to write is, don't be obvious, be interesting. Fiction tells us to show, not tell, right? Poetry is about concretizing the abstract. Screenwriting says cut all useless lines. A lot of writing rules and advice—never start with the weather, avoid detailed descriptions of the characters, don't use adverbs, etc.—are all really about this exact sentiment.

I once took a seminar on writing for horror movies. The golden rule of the horror genre is Never Show the Monster, because whatever the audience is imagining is always going to be scarier than what you actually show them. There are obviously exceptions to this (to all writing rules), but in my mind, it's all the same principle.

LONG answer under the cut

So you start with building a scene. I approach it like essay-writing—I state my thesis for the motivations/main propulsion of the plot. "In this scene, LQG and SY are motivated to save Cang Qiong's porn production, so they have sex on camera." Then you build the sub-motivations: "LQG is also doing this because he's pining after SY."

I learned this "thesis-writing" from theater, specifically from writing 10-min plays. Theater is all about characters being driven by their wants and needs, and the reason I say 10-min plays in particular is because longer forms of writing will give you more leeway, but in 10-min, you pretty much need your character motivations established from their very first line. That's why you need that very clear thesis for yourself—if you don't even know what the character wants from the get-go, then you can't establish who they are, what they want, and where they're going to go in a dynamic and interesting way.

So this thesis drives EVERYTHING that happens in your scene, just like an actual thesis for an essay, just like topic sentences for your paragraphs. Once I do this, I have the emotional direction & narrative scope of how much this scene will cover, I have a sense of where it begins and ends. "Begin with the dynamics of their sex. LQG starts showing signs of his feelings. Reveal LQG backstory for exactly what those feelings are and why he isn't telling SY. The rest of the scene implies that LQG's feelings may not be so unrequited, but also sets up the fundamental problem at the heart of the whole fic—SY's inability to comprehend his own feelings." This is kind of my new thesis now. They're having sex; LQG pines; SY doesn't know he himself is pining.

Now it's time to manifest. This is the "storytelling" part, and the hardest lmfao.

Personally, my approach is largely shaped by my very cool screenwriting teacher, who hammered into us: don't fucking waste lines. The Golden Rule of screenwriting is that every line should reveal something new. I found my old writing kind of repetitive, especially on the emotional front, so this is kind of my editing mantra now—is this line either propelling the story or revealing character? If it's revealing character, is it a revelation that has to happen right now, or is it slowing the momentum of the scene?

But these aren't rhetorical questions! "Momentum" doesn't just mean tumble forward as fast as you can, it also means taking the time to draw the bowstring back further, so your next move has even more propulsion. That's why you get the little "LQG has been in love with SY..." cut scene in the middle of the fucking (at least, that's my reasoning for putting it there). Every line has to bring a fresh revelation that "proves" your thesis further.

That brings me to the details. You said you like the details I inject into the world-building, and honestly that's so gratifying to hear, because that means I'm successfully manifesting my intentions, y'know? "Every line has to bring new info" kind of sounds like a tall order, but the most effective way I've seen it done in books and onstage/onscreen is with these hyper-specific details. If you're writing a scene in which someone feels dirty, never have them just say that—have them say they want to take a shower. Show them running out of bleach again as they scrub down the stall after they wash. Begin the scene like "Steve always washes his throat first now." Then pack the scene with even more revelatory details: "Soap in hand, he heard the pipes above his head groan for a half note on adagio, and readied himself for the blast of icy water that always followed." Shitty shower, probably not rich, is likely a classical musician.

By the same token, I want to build LQG's character. The "Liu Qingge has been in love with Shen Yuan" section is the first insight we get into his background and perspective, right, so: I need to establish LQG's emotional context for filming this scene -> I can characterize him as a nut for martial arts in the same stroke -> so this takes place at a gym, beating up sandbags is a classic way of showing manly emotional distress -> so give me more details on this gym -> Puqi Gym, XL the martial god is obviously the owner -> how do I have XL & LQG a relationship beyond gym owner & client? They spar together -> I want XL & HC's position in this AU to mirror their god/ghost king statuses in TGCF canon -> how can I concretize their fighting prowesses in real-world details? -> they're martial arts champions -> what's an actual competitive martial art form that involves weaponry? -> wushu -> wikipedia Wushu, find taolu weapons sparring

(I just realized that in my songxiao daycare AU, Hualian are Olympic gold medalists by the same narrative logic laksjdnflaksjdnflsd)

So, that's the flow of logic behind my world-building lmao. It's all in the details. Leverage is one of my all-time favorite TV shows and the way they build their stories is super inspiring. If their thesis is "the rich and powerful take what they want, we steal it back for you," they manifest it in the most specific and concrete narratives: mine workers who like the work but are fighting for workplace safety vs. the money-grubbing mine owner who will blow up their livelihoods if it means a bigger payday; the little girl from Iraq with refugee status forced to be an accomplice to antique smuggling vs. international smuggler with a fetish for British royalty.

Last pieces of writing advice I've gotten: pay attention to the real world. A writing exercise we did was just sit in a public spot and make concrete observations on our surroundings. There are stories in everything!!! I learned to observe things like weird holes in the concrete (earthquake? drilling accident? bullet mark?), odd patches of moss or bird shit (look overheard: it's an AC unit dripping water for the former and nesting swallows for the latter), ladies in flipflops walking alongside ladies in high heels (excited mother walking her antsy daughter to the bus for the daughter's first job interview—the daughter's shirt collar is unfashionable and she's taking the bus, so there's a good chance the shoes were passed down, maybe from an office lady aunt. Maybe she's even overdressed for the interview, so will her outfit be an unintended source of tension once she gets to the interview? Is it a group interview, to make the comparison more stark?).

Also, write what you know. You know why SY is a video editor in porn AU? Because I'm a video editor. One of my more popular MDZS fics is set in a plant shop 'cause I worked in a plant shop. SL was First AD in Bachelor!AU 'cause I was First AD on a set once. Concrete details like the editing software having a split-screen, always answering questions about how often to water plants, and being up until 3AM editing call-sheets are the ones that will fully immerse your readers.

And if you can't do the actual things, just watch someone who is, listen to them talk, pick up lingo, and fake it. I watched like a 15-min vox video on fencing for the fencing!AU and a 45-min music theory video on the hospital pianist!AU (also I started learning piano sklfjnlsdjlfkjsd). Of course, I just finished reading a wangxian fic that had me going, "holy fucking shit, the author is literally getting their masters in a music program" so my 45-min youtube video ain't shit, but if you just need a little bit of character establishment, then it's enough to do the trick.

Anyways, tl;dr. Find the details, find the tension. Never tell outright what the tension is supposed to be, manifest it instead. Make the manifestation as interesting as possible, and if it's meant to be funny, make it funnier.

Sorry this turned into a fucking lecture lskjnflskdjnflskd but last thing, someone asked me before if I had formative authors, and this was the list I wrote at the time:

Angels in America (play) by Tony Kushner

The God of Small Things (novel) by Arundhati Roy

The Penelopiad (novel) by Margaret Atwood

“Litany in Which Certain Things are Crossed Out” (poem) by Richard Siken

Night Sky with Exit Wounds (poetry) by Ocean Vuong

Giovanni’s Room (novel) by James Baldwin (and then Go Tell it on the Mountain and then his essays)

Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger

And, ooh, now that I have this list I think I can even roughly sort it as such: Kushner, Atwood, Siken, and Salinger I really latched onto for their dialogue and very present narrator voice—same is true for Go Tell it on the Mountain. Roy, Vuong, and Giovanni’s Room, I think, are texts more representative of the kind of saturated figurative language I like, and emulate. Of course they all do imagery and voice and overall structure amazingly, but that’s the rough dividing line I’d draw.

But yeah James Baldwin is my fucking hero.

[prorevenge]

Mess with minors and my job? Lose your job and your boyfriend.

Tl;dr at the end because this is a doozy.

Alright circa 2014 I worked for a large movie theatre chain in a small Midwestern city. Job was pretty awesome outside of the shit pay and essentially no way to move up. I like to think I am good at my job and I try my hardest no matter where I work. In this particular situation I was one the most tenured employees at the theatre save for two other folks who had worked there part time on the side, and had full time jobs elsewhere.

So for the sake of this story I need to tell you about Jane (not actual name). Jane started working for the theatre 2 months before me. They worked elsewhere as a supervisor and was looking to move up at the theatre. Right after I started one of the managers left to work at a different theatre and the supervisor moved up. We had two managers, one general manager (basically the highest level at the theatre), and a supervisor which is a manager in training. (This is important.) Jane somehow got the supervisor position even though there was another person who essentially was promised the position due to their continued service at the theatre for almost 8 years. There were rumors about Jane sleeping with the GM when she started and this situation got them going again. I didn’t care too much because why would I, I am but a lowly peon in the corporate machine. Anyways Jane moved up and the tenured crew member left the company because they got screwed over.

Once Jane moved up we had a whole meeting about her moving up and how the theatre focuses on professionalism and ensuring no favoritism was happening. Specifically referencing how normal crew members shouldn’t fraternize outside of work with management.

Jane didn’t really listen to that though. She continued to hang out with the crew members who were mostly underage and would do various things like go drinking with minors, taking them to bars and buying them drinks or simply buying alcohol at a store and letting them drink at her house, I honestly have no issue with the drinking at home deal, just adding context, as well smoke weed with them and post pictures on Instagram. Oh yeah I forgot to mention Jane had a secret Instagram where they would post pictures of themselves with their friends from the theatre. They chose Instagram because none of their family or their boyfriend used Instagram and no one would know right?

Even more damning was her relationship with a 19 year old that worked at the theatre. She had a boyfriend who had been with her for years and honestly supported her for all intensive purposes. Not only did she have a 19 year old side piece, but also was messing around with a 17 year old. I even caught them messing around in the break room one time. She essentially threatened me with my job if I told anyone. Honestly she could’ve just told me to please be quiet and I would have just judged her silently.

Fast forward about a year or so and another one of the managers left for a new job. Jane obviously moved up and someone else took the supervisor position. Now I won’t go into too much detail, but despite my tenure and performance I was looked over for the promotion. A newer crew member who was really good friends with Jane got the position over me. This was confirmed by the other manager who let me know that Jane was definitely in good with the GM, who ultimately made the final decision. That being said I was beginning to sour and making minimum wage for years at a job that couldn’t give a shit about my efforts and continued performance. That being said I was preparing for an exit.

Before I get into my exit, it is important to note that Jane had and most likely still has a problem with me. I have talked about some issues I had with her, but I never escalated or even confronted her about anything she did to me up to this point. I honestly left it be. But I didn’t like her and the fact I didn’t like her or play along with her bullshit infuriated her. So much to the point where she made my life hell at the theatre. When she was a supervisor she didn’t have much power but when she became manager she began giving me shit shifts, convincing people that I was weird and to avoid me (I mean I am weird but not like avoid me weird), threatening me physically, threatening my job, her and her gang of misfit assholes also slashed my tires (I have no solid proof, but my car was parked in the employee lot and ya know only employees can get in), beyond that she also made fun of my girlfriend (my now wife) for having an invisible illness (MS), she would make her life hell because she had a disability and had some minor limitations. Add together all of this, plus my GF went off to college, plus getting looked over for the promotion, suffice it to say I found a new job.

I had a few close friends at the theatre including my now wife who I met while working there (silver lining right.) I had let a few of them know about the new job, but told them to keep it on the DL since it was still two weeks away. I had put my two weeks in with the GM and asked that he also keep it on the DL since Jane and her posse would fuck with me. I told him that I wanted to tell everyone myself so it kept him quiet.

Now the important thing about my new job is that it essentially paid me double my wages from the theatre. All of my friends were stoked for me, I was taking a job that would also have me making more than the managers at the theatre but also a job that put me on a better track in life. That being said with Jane and I butting heads on multiple occasions and her track record of messing with me, she decided to get one last attack on me. She started a rumor that I was just going to call out on all of my shifts the two weeks before my new job started.

With her last act of revenge in motion, the GM approached me and let me know that he wouldn’t be scheduling me the last two weeks. I tried to explain to him that the rumors were bullshit that I needed to work because it would be my only source of income. I told him that Jane started the rumor and I started to tell him all of the other stuff as well. He of course didn’t believe me and told me that Jane wouldn’t do what I was saying she would do. So it was her word vs mine. I contacted my new job who let me know that my start date was firm and that their budget wouldn’t allow me to start until two weeks later as originally planned. Now here I am essentially jobless for two weeks. Now I was upset, but I was also lucky. I was still living with family and didn’t have to pay rent, so I sucked it up and essentially told myself that I would just take a forced two week vacation. But Jane didn’t stop there. She escalated again by having one of her cronies call my new job and tell them that I got fired. I was luckily able to talk down my new boss by letting him know that this wasn’t the case that I put my two weeks in and everything else, but that was the last straw.

I left my last day at the theatre and while it was sad and I was upset that I wouldn’t be able to work out the last two weeks of my job that I had for years, I was focused and determined on revenge. Rule #1 of living a secret life and having a secret Instagram is not add every body and their mother to the page. I had a friend of a friend who also didn’t care for Jane let’s call them Joe. Joe and I had gone to high school together and briefly worked at the theatre together. He and Jane were part of the same group at the theatre until they had a small falling out. Nothing crazy but he wasn’t exactly happy with her. I talked to Joe and we discussed my issues with Jane over some lunch that I bought for him. (Food is the key to all revenge plots.) Once we ate and discussed my problems with Jane I asked for his help. I needed access to her Instagram. Ya know the secret one, showing her hanging out with underage employees, drinking alcohol and smoking weed with them, and also some mushy posts about her 19 year old boyfriend, as well as some moderately racy photos with her 17 year old fling. With very little discussion he gave me full access.

I took screenshots of essentially everything. We are talking 2-3 years worth of illicit and moderately illegal activity. More than enough to get her fired and to raise some questions in her relationship. I took the screenshots and I printed them on the most high quality paper/material that CVS had to offer. I also copied them too a few flash drives for good measure. I purchased two yellow padded envelopes (can never be too safe), and I filled them both with copies of all of the posts as well as a flash drive with additional copies. As well I included a note in each one for the appropriate parties.

One of the envelopes was taped to the back door of the theatre. There was somewhat of a blind spot so pulled into the parking lot from the rear and snuck around the corner mission impossible style to tape the envelope to the back door. On it was the GM’s name, as well in the letter I merely stated that one of their managers had a secret Instagram with a lot of damning evidence of not only favoritism, but also fraternizing with underage employees amongst other wrong doings. In the letter I also requested her immediate termination or the information would be provided to the district manager as well as our corporate office. I made sure to put it somewhere the GM would see on his morning sweep when he opened the theatre. The second folder and letter was delivered to her home by Joe. Joe agreed to this as I knew Jane’s schedule and had a good idea of when she would be gone and he knew where she lived from previous hang outs.

With both folders delivered it was only a matter of time. Before I knew it I was receiving death threats from Jane’s gang. All of them saying that they knew it was me and that Jane was going to come after me, that she never did anything to deserve this. It didn’t matter to me of course, I no longer worked there and would hopefully never have to deal with them again. From what I heard she was taken into the main office of the theatre and the GM let her have it. He ultimately had to fire her because there was very clear proof that she was in direct violation of many of the rules and conditions of her employment. As well her boyfriend with proof in hand kicked her out of his home.

Last I heard she moved farther north and hasn’t held down a solid job since. Her family didn’t want much to do with her once everything came out with her cheating on her boyfriend. Also the part about fooling around with a 17 year old tends not to sit well. In the end I started my new job without fail and moved on from that place. Haven’t see much of anyone from there since.

Tl;dr: Manager makes my life hell, continues to hang out and fool around with underage crew members, lives to regret it. Enjoy losing your job and your boyfriend.

(source) story by (/u/Ike09161995)

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

We know that tianshan will be together in the future. but in your opinion, at what moment will either MGS or HT will realize they are in love. and now in middle school, do they like each other romantically even a little? Thank you in advance!

Good afternoon, dear anon-san!

Your question was probably the hardest one I’ve gotten so far. This is my third time starting my answer to this. Outlining this turned out to be quite a nut to crack because I don’t think there is a simple answer to your question. Tianshan is a continuum, so pinpointing or giving amounts of feelings is rather difficult. After scratching everything I had written the second time, I decided to take the long route and outline how I see the arch of Tianshan. Hopefully, that will show how hard I found your question.

In another ask, I divided Zhanyi’s story into segments, and I will be doing something similar to Tianshan. I went through the comic and in my eyes, there were some turning points that mark how their relationship has developed. I’ll be using these to give some structure to my answer.

TL;DR: I think HT has already come to the conclusion that he’s romantically interested in MGS. But he hasn’t found a comfortable way of expressing that quite yet despite expressing quite a lot of affection and dedication. MGS, on the other hand, is much trickier. I don’t think he’s in love with HT yet or even likes him in a romantic sense but he’s started to care about him. And even more importantly, he’s started to let HT have an effect on him and letting go of his need for control. Is he in love with HT in the future chapters? I think we’d need to know more to say for sure…

“You’ll answer to me from now on”

From the beginning, they were two forces colliding. MGS was distrustful and full of resentful sneering (ch. 138, 150, 155):

HT no doubt reminded MGS of SL, and he had learned not to trust rich guys like him the hard way. They were fake, cunning, and dangerous, merely looking for ways to take advantage of people less fortunate than them. They thought they could own MGS and look down on him.

For the most part, HT let MGS spit accusations in his face. The fact that MGS despised people like HT and thought they were scum, only showed his set of values. He was someone HT could respect for thinking like that. He saw himself in “fake”, “sinister” and “dangerous”, but they were also things he was looking to change about himself.

But when MGS went too far, HT was quick to dominate MGS and show which one of them was the boss (ch. 130, 138, 144, 150):

HT’s tone with MGS was rather different from what it is these days. MGS was allowed to diss HT’s kind of people but he wasn’t allowed to talk back. HT gave direct orders that were not to be ignored, threatened MGS, and often made MGS submit by physical force. This kind of behavior is often seen as abusive among the readers. HT made clear there was a power imbalance between them and his word was the law.

However, I think the way HT took control also created a sense of safety and security. In a similar way than parents set rules and limits to their kids, so there is safety and structure in their life. Another anon once proposed that HT was a father figure to MGS in that sense, and I would agree with the anon up to a point. By showing strength, HT showed MGS that he was someone who could be trusted and relied on. He could take the reins and MGS can follow him instead of trying to fight by himself. By taking control - albeit forcefully - HT said “it’s okay, let me worry about things”. Because MGS’s behavior ultimately stems from his distrust of people. Over the years, his defense had grown high and strong, and HT needed to be forceful to get through to him. MGS’s life was heading in a dangerous direction that could ruin his future, but MGS himself had kind of accepted his faith. HT needed to turn it around for him and decided he wouldn’t be using kid gloves.

And the thing is, MGS wasn’t exactly difficult to make submit. He might have cursed and spat when HT ordered him around, but it didn’t take that much from HT to make him listen. MGS’s delinquent act was very convincing and did scare off a lot of people - as it was meant to do. But when HT got that dark look in his eyes and grabbed MGS’s shirt, it didn’t take long for MGS to surrender. I think the same applies to MGS’s relationship with SL and Buzzcut. MGS is scared of SL but is respected and somewhat feared by Buzzcut (when MGS gets angry).

I wouldn’t say this first “phase” of Tianshan had any romantic feelings involved. I don’t think Tianshan was love at first sight. HT got interested in MGS for his own selfish reasons, and MGS’s resistance to him was much deeper and darker than what it is these days. It wasn’t about a tsundere just being a tsundere but rather about distrust and MGS not even wanting to know if he was in the right doing so.

After that, though, it gets more complicated and difficult to tell one feeling apart from another.

“Don’t try to shoulder everything by yourself”

This is when HT’s project “Outstanding Person” kicks off in earnest, and he continues using the carrot and the stick with MGS (ch. 160, 180):

One of the goals is to “hone down” MGS’s personality. And HT is pretty damn perfect for the job. In a way, he’s the “safest” person for it. On one hand, he has the strength to put MGS in his place when he’s acting out and the resources to keep him out of trouble by directing his focus on things that will benefit him. On the other hand, he’s also someone who won’t turn his back on MGS or get scared of him. He doesn’t believe MGS is a villain and won’t allow MGS to push him away by cursing and punching.

HT also doesn’t shy away from being harsh with MGS (ch. 150, 174):

As much as HT agrees that MGS has been wronged and unfairly made the villain by others, he doesn’t stand for giving up or “woe is me” attitude. MGS has had a difficult life in many ways, but it’s up to him to move forward. Clinging to the hurt and resentment is the easy way but it also affects his future when he accepts that kind of role. The unfair truth is, the world won’t apologize to MGS, so he might as well make something out of himself instead of spinning his wheels. And HT is there to help him with that attitude adjustment.

MGS started to realize he wasn’t alone when the gang helped him sort out the assault case. HT showed that all the strength he had - and there was a lot of it - was on MGS’s side and he should rely on HT (ch. 183, 185, 188):

For the first time, MGS saw HT as someone who wouldn’t use his power to take advantage of him. Perhaps HT was someone who was ready to fight for him, and - even more importantly - thought MGS was someone worth fighting for. The sense of relief and security when realizing you’re not alone anymore is one powerful feeling. And I think MGS came to see the first glimpses of that in his relationship with HT.

The ferocity with which HT stood up to SL has always made me think that maybe it was already about something deeper for him. Maybe it was about something else too rather than just making MGS into an outstanding person and HT trying to use his strength for good. Was his interest in MGS getting deeper than a pet project? Either way, I think it was the beginning of HT’s very personal war against SL and how much MGS’s connection to SL bothered HT.

In this “phase”, we also started to notice a change in how HT acted around MGS (ch. 155, 160, 173):

He went from threats and orders to mischevious grins and finding MGS’s feisty personality rather amusing. He started to tease MGS and grew devil horns and a tail to fit this new hobby of his. At the same time, MGS’s countless “fuck offs” and “scrams” started to lose their edge and became more comical when they were soundly ignored by smiling HT.

If I had to pinpoint when HT started having the first inklings of romantic interest in MGS, I would say it’s somewhere around this phase. There were two moments that make me think so. Firstly, perhaps the one that has confused the readers the most (ch. 160):

It was later revealed that he was lying, even though I have somewhat mixed feelings about the note MGS discovered. Personally, I read it as HT being conflicted about his own budding feelings towards MGS. Especially if he was lying about them as it said in the note. What he said went kind of against how he was often behaving around MGS. Perhaps this was the first time he was having feelings for another guy and needed a moment to figure things out for himself. Either way, I think it showed things were changing.

Another moment that might suggest other interests were starting to get involved was when HT was rather intimate while trying to intimidate MGS and got “sidetracked” (ch. 170):

To me, HT touching MGS’s lips like is an interesting, titillating dance between scary and sexy which I think is a pretty fitting tune for Tianshan even in the future. There’s always a sense of danger in HT, and I imagine he can get pretty intense in a sexual way. I think that caressing of lips can at least be read as a sign about which direction the tension between HT and MGS was going to head. Also, I know the groping was meant to be comedic relief and this kind of behavior isn’t new to HT, but still…I’d say it’s a weird thing to be distracted by if you have zero such interest in someone.

In addition to that, the comic also started to point out how innocent and inexperienced MGS was when it came to love and romance (ch. 160, 170, 174, 186):

He was grossed out and often lashed out in a fit of embarrassment. And of course, HT found this endlessly amusing and interesting and teased him about it even more.

However, it was their infamous first kiss that truly showed him he couldn’t be too careless with MGS (ch. 174, 175):

Even though I said earlier that I think this phase was when HT was starting to get romantically interested in MGS, I don’t think that kiss was about love or like or romance. He was simply teasing MGS, and it went quite epically wrong. He misjudged how seriously MGS would take it and massively overstepped the line. He seemed genuinely surprised by MGS’s violent reaction and how upset he was. As unfortunate as that was, it at least served as a learning experience. HT needed to have a serious mind and heart if he was looking to approach such matters with MGS.

I also think the kiss was a catalyst for something in MGS’s mind (ch. 177):

After calming down, he seemed dazed and confused, a bit out of it. I’m sure he was still upset but also something else. It doesn’t necessarily have to have anything to do with HT precisely, but despite everything, I believe it was MGS’s first kiss. That ought to make your head spin a little. After that, he started to become increasingly conscious of HT which moves us on to the next “phase”.

“I’m so bothered by you…”

This is when I think HT was starting to court MGS more seriously as if he had made up his mind. Although, his affections are still layered with other feelings: being guarded and not wanting to show his darkness, not quite having the courage to be openly serious about his feelings and masking them as teasing, fear of abandonment and the possessiveness that comes with it.

But I would definitely say his feelings for MGS are deepening. The different ways he looks at MGS alone are a good example fo that (ch. 210, 216, 263, 282, 296, 297, 205):

Admiration and respect. Possessive and anxious. Vulnerable and affectionate. Sometimes it’s as if MGS takes HT by surprise and he can’t help but halt to look at him. Other times HT can’t contain whatever he’s feelings - hide it behind his mask - and lets it show on his face, perhaps without even realizing it. I think all these different looks and expressions tell how many feelings MGS has evoked in HT who set out as a solitary savior with a strong mask to hide behind. HT has gotten more and more comfortable around MGS and trusted him to see more sides of himself.

Another thing that caught my eye was the increase in casual physical contact between HT and MGS (ch. 203, 205, 220, 221, 223, 237, 261, 280, 310):

HT seemed to be touching MGS whenever he could: hand over his shoulders, tussling his hair, grabbing his hand or just messing with him in general. And often he wanted to keep MGS bodily close - which in MGS’s case, also required physical contact since he isn’t too fond of HT touching him. Besides teasing and affection, the touching could also be comforting and protective.

Soon, both HT’s teasing and touching also started to become more and more suggestive (ch. 190, 202, 236, 261, 269, 280, 284, 288, 289, 290, 306, 311):

HT seems to enjoy teasing MGS and amused by the embarrassed reactions he manages to draw out of him. He likes to watch MGS blush and squirm. But what’s interesting about this is that HT is paying more mind to the invisible limits. MGS is still reluctant to the affection, but HT is taking his time, sneaking a glimpse of MGS’s ass here and a peck on the cheek there. He also seems to enjoy putting MGS in compromising positions and feigning innocence.

In return, MGS has become increasingly conscious of HT and bothered by him (ch. 214, 216, 222, 264, 268, 270, 273, 277, 284, 285, 298, 305):

HT’s close presence makes MGS nervous and conscious in a different way than in the beginning. He sweats, blushes, and overcompensates for his nervous energy and embarrassment by lashing out. And god forbid, someone implies that maybe - just maybe - someone or something is bothering MGS. He will rain Hellfire upon anyone suggesting such things, especially if they hint that HT might be the cause.

Of course, MGS’s “don’t tell me what to do” attitude hasn’t disappeared (ch. 200, 277):

And it never will go away. And HT never wants it to go away. MGS being someone who stands up to HT is something HT very much admires about him. Not to mention, what their relationship absolutely requires in order to work. This type of resisting is what’s in MGS’s nature, it’s out of pride. In the beginning, MGS resisted because he was suspicious of HT and despised him because he thought HT telling him what to do was him trying to take advantage.

But of course, it’s not like HT is letting MGS run his mouth as he likes or disobey him when it matters (ch. 210, 222, 287):

The power dynamic has leveled out but there are still times when HT lets MGS know, in no uncertain terms, when he’s crossed some line or needs to listen to HT. The unwritten rule remains that when HT is helping MGS, he’s not allowed to ignore HT. Also, HT seems quite sensitive to MGS talking about HT in the context of his family. He doesn’t want to be compared to them or MGS to think he’s one of them.

In addition to all the feistiness, MGS is also showing his duality as a tsundere (ch. 234, 236, 243, 246, 254, 255, 259, 309):

He curses and struggles against HT - and I don’t doubt he is annoyed by him - but also shows concern when HT is not around or is hurt. And that’s the thing about MGS. He will keep telling HT to fuck off and scram and “are we supposed to be familiar” but at the same time, if something happens he gets worried. He shows concern while averting his eyes, acting nonchalant, and griping his pants so he won’t reach out. He won’t try on the earrings - the ones he specifically asked HT to get him - in front of him but would rather escape to the privacy of the bathroom. 

I would say this phase that we’re reading at the moment comes down to MGS being “bothered” by HT. In other words, HT is affecting him and it threatens MGS’s sense of control over himself. HT is persistently getting closer and closer, and MGS finds himself more and more affected by him. I don’t think MGS has fallen in love with HT yet or even romantically likes him, but he is doing something that is similar to those feelings: giving up control. And I think MGS asking for the earrings was a major sign of that. To him, it was a big deal and something fundamental.

About their future

When will MGS realize his feelings for HT? Is he crushing on HT in the Christmas and hot springs specials that take place in the future? My Tianshan heart wants to say “YES!”, but my more objective mind wants to remain cautious. I don’t think we know enough about the future to say anything for sure just based on the special chapters.

What we do know, however, we know for sure (ch. 224, 230):

The black studs are very much present in both future-related specials. Even if they don’t necessarily see each other that often due to HT’s traveling or just not being around, MGS is still wearing them. Let me say it again: MGS got them when he was in middle school and he is still wearing them when he’s at college (?) age. If that’s anything to go by, I’d give in a little to my Tianshan heart and say MGS has gotten further with his feelings for HT. (And I suppose it’s worth mentioning they seem physically more intimate in the specials, but then again, that might be just HT pushing it.)

The thing about Tianshan is that I’m not sure if MGS would ever confess his feelings out loud or even admit them to himself. He might just…let them be there. To me, Tianshan is the kind of relationship that they just let things develop without making explicit confessions or declarations. Even in the future, their relationship won’t probably have a specific category or term for it. They just are without necessarily needing to make it official. They just care about each other and let the other care about them. It’s about HT showing up and MGS sharing the bed with him. In MGS’s case especially, his love is in the gestures and actions rather than words. But at the same time, they’re both well aware of how much whatever they have means to them.

…Or I’m just too wrapped up in my own personal Tianshan aesthetics again.

For sure, I could’ve given a shorter answer but whenever I tried that I always felt like I needed to give more context. So…sorry, it’s a bit long. Again. And I don’t know if I even managed to give a proper answer, dear anon-san. Hopefully something satisfying enough. Thank you for your question!

[diarrheaworldstarhiphop]

The first significant wave of Chinese immigrants arrived in the industrial zone around Prato, a city fifteen miles northwest of Florence, in the nineteen-nineties. Nearly all of them came from Wenzhou, a port city south of Shanghai. For the Chinese, the culture shock was more modest than one might have expected. “The Italians were friendly,” one early arrival remembered. “Like the Chinese, they called one another Uncle. They liked family.” In Tuscany, business life revolved around small, interconnected firms, just as it did in Wenzhou, a city so resolutely entrepreneurial that it had resisted Mao’s collectivization campaign. The Prato area was a hub for mills and workshops, some of which made clothes and leather goods for the great fashion houses. If you were willing to be paid off the books, and by the piece, Prato offered plenty of opportunities. Many Wenzhouans found jobs there. “The Italians, being canny, would subcontract out their work to the Chinese,” Don Giovanni Momigli, a priest whose parish, near Prato, included an early influx of Chinese, told me.

“Then they were surprised when the Chinese began to do the work on their own.”By the mid-nineties, Wenzhouans were setting up textile businesses in small garages, where they often also lived. Soon, they began renting empty workshops, paying with cash. The authorities didn’t ask too many questions. Prato’s business model was falling apart under the pressures of globalization. As it became harder for Italians to make a living in manufacturing, some of them welcomed the money that the Chinese workers brought into the local economy. If you could no longer be an artisan, you could still be a landlord.

Throughout the aughts, Chinese continued to show up in Tuscany. A non-stop flight was established between Wenzhou and Rome. Some migrants came with tourist visas and stayed on. Others paid smugglers huge fees, which they then had to work off, a form of indentured servitude that was enforced by the threat of violence. The long hours that the Chinese worked astonished many Italians, who were used to several weeks of paid vacation a year and five months of maternity leave. In 1989, the newspaper Corriere della Sera, using racist language still common among some Italians, published an article about a Chinese worker under the headline “YELLOW STAKHANOVITE ON THE ARNO.”

While Florence was celebrated for its premium leatherwork, Prato was best known for the production of textiles. The Wenzhou workers tacked in a third direction. They imported cheap cloth from China and turned it into what is now called pronto moda, or “fast fashion”: polyester shirts, plasticky pants, insignia jackets. These items sold briskly to low-end retailers and in open-air markets throughout the world.

The Chinese firms gradually expanded their niche, making clothes for middle-tier brands, like Guess and American Eagle Outfitters. And in the past decade they have become manufacturers for Gucci, Prada, and other luxury-fashion houses, which use often inexpensive Chinese-immigrant labor to create accessories and expensive handbags that bear the coveted “Made in Italy” label. Many of them are then sold to prosperous consumers in Shanghai and Beijing. It’s not just Italian brands that have profited from this cross-cultural arrangement: a Chinese leather-goods entrepreneur I recently met with just outside Prato was wearing a forty-thousand-dollar Bulgari watch. More than ten per cent of Prato’s two hundred thousand legal residents are Chinese. According to Francesco Nannucci, the head of the police’s investigative unit in Prato, the city is also home to some ten thousand Chinese people who are there illegally. Prato is believed to have the second-largest Chinese population of any European city, after Paris, and it has the highest proportion of immigrants in Italy, including a large North African population.

Many locals who worked in the textile and leather industries resented the Chinese immigrants, complaining that they cared only about costs and speed, not about aesthetics, and would have had no idea how to make fine clothes and accessories if not for the local craftsmen who taught them. Simona Innocenti, a leather artisan, told me that her husband was forced out of bag-making by cheaper Chinese competitors. She said of the newcomers, “They copy, they imitate. They don’t do anything original. They’re like monkeys.”

Although it could be argued that the Chinese have revived Prato’s manufacturing industry, there has been a backlash against them. Native residents have accused Chinese immigrants of bringing crime, gang warfare, and garbage to the city. Chinese mill owners, they complain, ignore health laws and evade taxes; they use the schools and the hospitals without contributing money for them. In the early nineties, a group of Italians who worked in areas with a high concentration of immigrants sent an open letter to the Chinese government, sarcastically demanding citizenship: “We are six hundred honest workers who feel as if we were already citizens of your great country.”

The strangest accusation was that the Chinese in Tuscany weren’t dying—or, at least, that they weren’t leaving any bodies behind. In 1991, the regional government began an investigation into why, during the previous twelve months, not a single Chinese death had been officially recorded in Prato or in two nearby towns. In 2005, the government was still mystified—that year, more than a thousand Chinese arrivals were registered, and only three deaths. Locals suspected that Chinese mobsters were disposing of corpses in exchange for passports, which they then sold to new arrivals, a scheme that took advantage of the native population’s apparent inability to tell any one Chinese person from another.

There was a note of jealousy to the Pratans’ complaints, as well as a reluctant respect for people who had beaten them at their own game. Elizabeth Krause, a cultural anthropologist at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, has written about the changes in Prato. She told me, “While I was there, people would say to me, ‘Eravamo noi i cinesi’ ”—“We were the Chinese.”

Even as many Italians maintained a suspicion of Chinese immigrants, they still criticized them for not contributing fully to the wider economy. Innocenti, the leather artisan, claimed that “the Chinese don’t even go to the store here. They have a van that goes from factory to factory, selling Band-Aids, tampons, and chicken. And in the back of the van they have a steamer with rice.” The under-the-table cash economy of Prato’s Chinese factories has facilitated tax evasion. Last year, as the result of an investigation by the Italian finance ministry into five billion dollars’ worth of questionable money transfers, the Bank of China, whose Milan branch had reportedly been used for half of them, paid a settlement of more than twenty million dollars. Many of the transfers, the authorities said, represented undeclared income from Chinese-run businesses, or money generated by the counterfeiting of Italian fashion goods.

In Italy, these sorts of investigations are often more show than substance, and many Chinese residents see themselves as convenient targets. “We didn’t invent this way of doing business,” one mill owner pointed out to me. “If you go south from Rome, you’ll find people who are a lot worse than the Chinese.” He speculated that some Italians disliked the Chinese for working harder than they did, and for succeeding. In the Prato area, some six thousand businesses are registered to Chinese citizens. Francesco Xia, a real-estate agent who heads a social organization for young Chinese-Italians, said, “The Chinese feel like the Jews of the thirties. Prato is a city that had a big economic crisis, and now there’s a nouveau-riche class of Chinese driving fancy cars, spending money in restaurants, and dressing in the latest fashions. It’s a very dangerous situation.”

At a time when Europe is filled with anti-immigrant rhetoric, political extremists have pointed to the demographic shifts in Prato as proof that Italy is under siege. In February, Patrizio La Pietra, a right-wing senator, told a Prato newspaper that the city needed to confront “Chinese economic illegality,” and that the underground economy had “brought the district to its knees, eliminated thousands of jobs, and exposed countless families to hunger.” Such assertions have been effective: in Italy’s recent national elections, Tuscany, which since the end of the Second World War had consistently supported leftist parties, gave twice as many votes to right-wing and populist parties as it did to those on the left. Giovanni Donzelli, a member of the quasi-Fascist Fratelli d’Italia party, who last month was elected a national representative, told me, “The Chinese have their own restaurants and their own banks—even their own police force. You damage the economy twice. Once, because you compete unfairly with the other businesses in the area, and the second time because the money doesn’t go back into the Tuscan economic fabric.” He added that he had once tried to talk with some Chinese parents at his children’s school. “They had been here six or seven years, and they still didn’t speak Italian,” he scoffed. “Because they didn’t need to!”

TL;DR: coronavirus is the ultimate globalism virus, where it’s direct access to and rapid spread throughout Europe is owed to a massive illicit Chinese textile industry in Northern Italy, where Chinese run manufacturing plants that have displaced indigenous ones filled with Chinese workers paid under the table for the “made in italy” label, is currently the hardest hit area of Coronavirus outside of China.

[basicshitposts]

This is going to be a bit long and I have skipped a lot of stuff because I just wanted to get this out of my system but here goes nothing...

The reason I like One Direction and will remain a fan till the end of time no matter how much my friends tease me for it:

I was 13 when I first heard about them. I was a bit late to the fanbase. I wasn't really in a good place. Well 13 year olds don't really have a 'place' to be in but having random growth spurts, being taller than everyone in my grade, constantly being fat shamed by my mother because I didn't fit into old clothes, loosing all my friends to pretentious standards of life that they were just beginning to see through the eyes of their parents and not having anyone to talk to does kinda put a happy go lucky, quiet kid in a bad spot. This had been the case since I was 10, it was only beginning to affect me when I saw that I couldn't immerse myself in books forever because I already finished all that my mom would allow me to read. Sitting at the back during music class, our teacher made us sing Same Mistakes at the suggestion of the popular girls. That was my first One Direction song. The second one was Irresistible. Not the 2 songs people usually hear first. I devoured their music, their interviews, just all available Content on YouTube within a week. The feeling of being seen, being visible and loved is not one that comes easily. It came to me with the help of 5 boys who I knew had no idea I existed but had no doubt, loved me regardless of what I looked like. My insecurities still stayed in place, deepened further by family and almost everybody in school but in the moments that I had my headphones on, everything else faded. All that remained was me and the lyrics of the songs.

I was 14 when I first started to skip meals. I used to say that it was because I was hungry but I can admit now that that wasn't it. I started playing a bit of sports and lost weight very suddenly. It was around the same time I got diagnosed with PCOS. It was also immediately after this that I started making friends agan. I knew that inner beauty lies on the inside and what you look like doesn't really matter if your friends actually care but this did strike me as consequence and not coincidence. Starving myself didn't feel so bad anymore, now that I had friends who were willing to sit with me. Not till it resulted in me starving myself almost to hospitalization thrice through the ages of 14 to 16. The third time it happened, I decided it was enough and just not worth it. I had sacrificed my love for food for people and I just couldn't keep doing that anymore. And here started my journey to slowly increase my appetite and start eating again. It was definitely the hardest things I have ever done, especially since I was alone in it. I guess whoever reads this will be the first to know about it. I started watching a lot of concert videos at that point, reminiscing about 7th grade where I had practically romanticized the normalcy of feeling fat and hating yourself, sorta supplemented by some of the lyrics in Little Things. There was one particular video edit that I watched during this time that changed the way I saw this band forever. It was an edit of Harry Styles singing Little Things on the 20xx tour. He refused to sing the word 'weigh' and substituted the 'but' in his solo for an 'and' in the original line 'but you still love to squeeze into your jeans'. I cried so much that day. Eating just became a lot easier after that. Zayn left the band in the middle and opened up about his own eating disorder years later but that was much later.

People don't realize the affect that boybands can have on teenage girls. I now believe myself to a strong willed, independent girl (woman?) but the sight of any of the 5 boys still makes my heart do a flip out of affection.

I just turned 20. I listen to other music, a lot of it suggested by a Gaga fan with an all rounded music taste. He teases me about still listening to One Direction. Boybands have been called stupid since the beginning of time and even if they are, I can't seem to bring myself to care anymore. People will say what they say and while I walk the narrow 100 feet high wall, of low self esteem and insecurities on one side and being out of fucks to give on the other, I have learnt to identify my safe spaces, the most easily accessible of them being the music that was made by 5 boys, both old and new, the music that I will hold closest to my heart, hopefully till the day I die. That music saved my life, still does on really bad days.

TL;DR - One Direction (Harry Styles specifically) saved me from my eating disorder by just existing and being himself.

[thrill-cfthechase]

tl;dr: elliot is sad about her mom, elliot’s birth and how she got her name

august 17th, 2018

sunset mobile home park, santa rosa, ca

elliot has never had a clean room in her life. there might have been a week when she was six where there had seemed to be order, but besides that it was in a state of unending chaos. there were clothes and sports equipment and trophies and candy wrappers. there were papers that seemed to exist for no reason but that elliot still couldn’t manage to get rid of. and there was a box of her mother’s things that had gone untouched for nineteen years. she had some of her mother’s belongings, like the moth-eaten sweaters she found in the closet and a journal that had been under the couch for god knows how long. but this box seemed to have hidden itself behind raincoats and a bruce lee poster, and now sat in front of her covered in a thick layer of dust. she had been content to leave it that way forever, but tomorrow she would leave her father’s home in a jeep cherokee older than she was and drive into the unknown. or, more specifically, to virginia and to gallagher. she just couldn’t leave a piece of her mother behind.

she opened the box, fanning away the cloud of dust that formed. on the top there were homemade vhs tapes with masking tape labels on the side: tucker’s first birthday, forrest’s first words, tucker’s first soccer game, halloween 1997. elliot set them to the side, she would have them converted into dvds later. but it was the kind of home movie she’d already seen. all the kids in the neighborhood running through a hose and laughing, her mother’s smiling face as she carried a candle-lit cake for her brother’s birthday, her brothers doing silly things while her parents watched through a lens and made commentary about how much they loved them. the last home movie they had was labeled november 1st, 1998. her mother was sitting on the couch with tucker and forrest on either side of her. each boy had a balloon tucked underneath their shirts so they could look just like mom and the three of them held their large bellies and laughed. elliot must have watched that one a hundred times as some sort of punishment for the fact that three days later she would be alive and her mother wouldn’t be.

underneath the tapes was a baby book. at least, it looked like it was supposed to be one. her name was on the cover, but it was empty except for the sonogram on the first page and a few labels that showed only blank pages. there were photo albums chronicling her brother’s childhoods, dozens if not hundreds of pictures of toothless smiles and skinned knees. there had never been many pictures of elliot when she was little. some days her father couldn’t bear to look at her, let alone take a picture. but every once in a while her brothers would get a hold of a disposable camera and capture gems like elliot with a face covered in chocolate cake on her first birthday or a beaming five-year-old elliot accepting a yellow belt in karate. it wasn’t uncommon for the youngest sibling’s childhood to be less documented than their older siblings. sometimes it hurt, and sometimes elliot was glad she could forget. beneath those she found more sweaters and she instantly stuffed them into her suitcases, not caring if they fit or if they were clean or if she even liked them.

at the very bottom of the box lay an envelope, tucked underneath a fold of cardboard. elliot pulled it out, her fingers coated in decades old dirt. there was no writing on the envelope - no name, no date, no address. maybe it wasn’t hers to open, but it wasn’t anyone else’s, either. she peeled it open as carefully as she could and reached inside, pulling out a letter. she instantly recognized the handwriting as her mother’s, and before she had time to think it through, she unfolded the piece of paper and began to read.

Dearest Baby,

I didn’t always know that I was going to need you, but as soon as I knew you were coming I understood that this family wouldn’t be complete without you. I have been waiting for you for a long time now and I think you will be here soon. We weren’t expecting you so quickly but you seem to want to come into this world and I am just so happy that I’ll get to meet you. Getting to know you in the past seven months isn’t quite the same, but it has been wonderful nonetheless. We have a bond, you and me, and it is more than just an umbilical cord. Sometimes I think I should learn morse code because I'm sure your kicks are trying to tell me something. I really did look into it, which you might think is silly, but the library didn’t have any books about it so it was a moot point. Maybe your kicks are symbolic. You want me to know you are strong and that even though this pregnancy has been hard, you’re going to keep fighting. If you are reading this, you are grown and you will know that there are things I have not been able to give you. I’m sorry for that. But I hope by now you can see that I love you and your brothers with all my heart and there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I wish there was more I could say to you, but I'm very tired and sometimes I feel like words fail me. I just hope that I’ve shown you how much I love you every single day, and this will just be a funny little reminder. 

All My Love,

Mama

p.s. I’m sorry I addressed this to ‘baby’ and not to you. I know what your name will be, but I’m afraid to jinx it. You know how superstitious I can get.

elliot has always taken pride in the fact that she rarely cries. crying was for babies, her brothers taught her that at a very early age. no one needed to know what she was feeling. sometimes even elliot didn’t know. but now she was crying, hard, tears gushing down her face, nose running, breath caught in her throat. she let the letter out of her grasp and it floated gently to the floor. the paper seemed too light and airy to contain words that affected her so strongly. her tears were silent - she didn’t want to wake her father on the other side of the wall, sitting on the couch in front of the tv with a mostly-empty twelve pack littered around his feet. there was a weight on her chest and a knot in her stomach, guilt and grief and loneliness. she had been loved once, truly loved, by a parent. she had never been sure if her father was incapable of loving her or he simply didn’t want to. her brothers loved her more than she thought she deserved, but it was never quite the same. she had heard people say there was nothing like a mother’s love, and elliot had ruined her chance to have that with her very first breath. she picked the letter back up and blew away some of the dirt. she tucked it into a pocket of a suitcase where it would be safe. elliot wasn’t sure what she would do with it, if she would ever even open it again, but she knew she needed to have it.

 november 4th, 1998

santa rosa memorial hospital

it didn’t feel like the first two. she’s been on bedrest, and this one has come earlier than the others - almost too early and she’s worried - but there is something else. something feels different. the doctor reassures her and she trusts them, but the worry doesn’t fully go away. it hurts, it always hurts, and maybe this time is no different. she takes the anaesthetic. this is her third baby, she has nothing to prove. her husband holds her hand and she cries and she keeps reminding herself that it will all be worth it. and suddenly a baby is there, gross and beautiful in an incomprehensible way. the baby cries but she laughs because she did it. it’s the hardest thing she’ll ever do.

they hand him the baby and he looks at it like it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. “it’s a girl,” he hears, voices muffled by the adrenaline pumping through his veins. he looks up at his wife beaming. “it’s a girl,” he repeats, and he thinks he sees a flicker of a smile on her face before the color is drained from her cheeks and doctors rush to her sides. suddenly there are shouts and beeping and everything is happening so fast that he can’t comprehend what’s going on in front of him. he just stays in the corner, eyes glassy as the world seems to move in slow motion and the baby in his arms begins to cry. a nurse takes the baby and three more take his wife to the operating room. forty minutes later she is dead and he is empty and there is a baby somewhere that will need him. but he needs talia, and as he walks like a zombie from the maternity ward to the postnatal ward he feels like he can’t do this without her. he knows it. when he arrives, the baby is wearing a pink hat and a breathing tube. but she will be just fine, they say. it’s procedure for most preemies.

he has to fill out a birth record. in two weeks it will be processed and he’ll go to city hall to pick up a birth certificate and a social security card because this baby is here- an impossibly tiny person, asleep two feet away in the hospital nursery. a nurse hands him a pen and it quivers in his hand. he looks at the forms through bloodshot eyes, cheeks stinging as a painful reminder of  his tears. they have  already written down her height and weight: 16 inches, 5 pounds 10 ounces. a little small, but she’ll be just fine, they say. he has to fill in the rest: baby’s name, date of birth, parent’s names, and address. most of it is simple: november 4th, 1998, henry chase, talia lilly chase, 2963 santa rosa avenue, santa rosa, ca. it’s the first, and most important question that has him stumped. what could he possibly name his baby girl? all the names they had considered were for a son. he thinks of his home, where tucker and forrest are waiting with their neighbor mrs. mahoney - what was he going to tell tucker and forrest? - and of the book talia had left on the kitchen table. it was going to be a baby book, already equipped with a page for her son’s first smile, first crawl, first words. and he thinks of the cover, where stickers spelled out the name talia had chosen. elliot. it’s not a bad name, he thinks. and suddenly the answer seems so clear and he writes it down quickly: elliot talia chase. he looks at his baby girl and he’s crying again, but this time the tears fall not only out of sadness, but also out of joy.  

[fuck-customers]

nObOdY’s CoMiNg!!!

This happened a while ago, but is still really fucking funny to me.

Necessary background: I work in a family-owned grocery store near a recycling center.

A lady came through my line (and was a giant pain in the ass but whatever) a few weeks ago. When the transaction was over, she stepped outside and immediately started losing her shit. “OH MY GOD!” she yelled, “OH MY GOD ARE YOU SEEINNG THIS??? Come! LOOK!!!”

So naturally, I thought this was a life-or-death situation and rushed out the door. She stood next to me and pointed across the street on the opposite side of the nearest intersection. “Can you believe this???”

On the other side of the intersection, it looked as though a bin from the recycling center somehow made its way into one of the gutters and spilled bottles and cans. The mess looked pretty inconvenient for the motorists, but it honestly could have been picked up by a couple people in five minutes. The mess was pretty much localized to just the gutter with a few easily-crushable stray bottles and cans in the road.

Again... inconvenient, yes. Dangerous? Mildly at best. There was honestly jack shit I could personally do. I just told her that I’d tell the managers at my store to call the nearby business and the recycling center to let them know and help pick it up.

This wasn’t good enough for her. “How CAN you just STAND THERE??? There’s bottles and cans everywhere and NOBODY’S COMING!!! Do something! Call the police!!!”

At this point, I tried my hardest not to laugh. This lady was seriously yelling, screaming, and acting like someone was actively bleeding out on the doorstep over this relatively minor recycling spill across the street. Also, the police presence in this neighborhood is a fucking joke.

The community where the store is located is in what’s referred to as an “unincorporated community.” About 50-60 years ago, it was a small farming town and hasn’t yet been fully integrated into the city even though it’s in the same county. The city police don’t have any jurisdiction here. If you call them for any non-emergency issue, they tell you to call the highway patrol, who tell you to call the sheriff, who tells you to call the highway patrol. It takes hours to get non-emergency issues resolved, so calling the police is often more trouble than it’s worth around here. So her shouting at me to call the police had that extra layer of humor added. What was I going to say??? “Why yes, hello officer. There are bottles and cans in the street and nobody’s coming.” Please. I definitely would have been laughed off the line at worst or taken seriously and waited 3 hours for the police to help clear the debris at best... and in that time, the nearby businesses, recycling center employees, and homeless people would have seen the mess and cleared it away anyways.... So I assured her that I would do everything in my power to alert relevant parties.

She totally wasn’t buying it, but also decided at this point that she wanted to do some more shopping??? In the meantime, I showed one of my coworkers the bottles and cans that “nobody’s coming,” for and we had a good little chuckle.

He ended up going through my line at the same time as this lady, who continued ranting and raving. “They’re still there! Can you believe this??? Nobody’s coming!! There’s still bottles and cans in the street and NOBODY’S COMING!!!”

My coworker couldn’t help but have a little fun with her and very sarcastically, but very seriously participated in her outrage. “Oh my god,” he gasped. “I can’t believe this! I’m so shocked! You mean to tell me that there are bottles and cans just lying there??? In the street????? And NOBODY’S COMING??????”

“YES! Can you believe this?!? I can’t believe this! Someone needs to call the police!!!”

“Well I’m shook. I’m shaken and I’m spooked! Nobody’s coming???”

“NOBODY!”

“Did you look?”

“YES!!!”

At this point, people were starting to pick up the mess and it still didn’t really look like a big deal. I finished up the second transaction with this lady and sent her on her way. She left the store and said “Well, I guess I need to do something!!! I need to act! Nobody’s coming!!!” Like she’s a goddamn superhero or something. I did indeed see her on her phone and, I shit you not, five minutes later, there was a police car. Using her superpower of “unhinged white lady,” she summoned the police in less than 10 minutes! I’m impressed? Anyway, “NOBODY’S COMING,” is now a store-wide in-joke. “Oh my god one of the loaves of bread fell? And nObOdY’s CoMiNg??????? Holy shit, call the police!”

TL;DR: some white lady went on a shouting rampage because a few bottles and cans spilled into a nearby gutter and “nobody was coming,” or calling the police about it.

[ckret2]

what are ichi, ni, and san attracted to individually?

Oh man I found my draft of this buried way deep in my docs, I meant to finish answering this ask weeks ago. How long have I been not working on this? Dang.

Anyway.

I've made some posts about who each of them are individually attracted to, but I haven't done one yet on what each of them individually finds attractive, so sure! A lot of the below will also discuss the love interests each of them has expressed attraction to, to the extent that each of their individual love interests reflect their individual tastes.

This post is 2700 words, buckle up.

Let's start off with what they've got in common—because what they've got in common vastly overwhelms their differences. All of their personal tastes have been heavily shaped by the trauma they went through, so both their collective tastes and individual tastes reflect that. Most prominently: they're all attracted to skilled/strong warriors, because 1) under the Xilien military they had it beaten into their heads that the only thing of worth about them is their ability to destroy, 2) at this point nearly all their hobbies and interests besides fighting have atrophied to nothing so fighting is the only couple bonding activity left to them, and 3) they live under constant terror that if they care about something, it will be destroyed/killed, because they ARE an instrument of destruction/death and that's the framework through which they see the universe—so a partner who can defend themself against anything that might try to destroy them is very appealing.

So you get a powerful warrior, that's gonna put a check mark on all three of their "ideal partner" wish lists.

They're also going to be collectively more attracted to people with dorat-esque physical traits. Scales, coloration in the yellow range, long flexible bodies, articulated wings, a one-head-and-four-limbs symmetrical body layout, snoutlike face with one mouth and two eyes... (When you've been around enough aliens, things like "symmetrical bodies with four limbs" and "one mouth and two eyes" are no longer a given.) Not that EVERYTHING is necessary for them to be attracted, of course, but little things add up. For example, if they were forced to choose and if he wasn't their Hated Nemesis, they'd find Godzilla more attractive than Kong on the basis of the fact that he's reptilian, he's got a tail, and he's got a row of spines down his back, and therefore he's more doratlike than Kong. However, Godzilla loses out to Manda, who's snakey, has horns, and is close to a color that dorats actually come in.

This isn't a conscious thing on their part—they don't, like, mentally tally up dorat-like traits. But if you went up to them and asked "hey, what traits do you consider hot?" and for some reason they decided to answer instead of incinerate you, the list of features they'd provide would end up pretty well describing a very handsome dorat. They don't REALIZE they're looking for dorat traits, but if you pointed it out to them they'd be like "Oh, huh. Well, yeah, basically. But a good looking dorat."

Plus some variations based on their original Dorat Sexualities; like, Ichi and Ni are both more attracted to smaller wings and longer/spiny tails, while San is the opposite. (Not that this is necessary. San looked at Gigan's itty mainly-for-decoration wings and went "yeah these are fine" and Ichi looked at Rodan's little nubby tail and went "sure, still cute.")

Other traits they've got a shared interest in: positivity, optimism, upbeat attitudes, all that, because they've got none themselves; self-confidence, courage, bravery; people who understand the war machine life—they don't feel wholly relaxed around people who don't have a kill count that can be measured in planets, they feel like they've got to keep up an artificially harmless façade not to be cast out by people who Don't Get It; someone they can see more as a "beast" than as a "person" because they feel like "people" are out of their league but "beasts" are their equals (which is an artificial divide that they absorbed from Xiliens, based on arbitrary measures of personhood like "does their culture wear clothes" or "did they invent their own technology or inherit someone else's").

Okay, so, on to their individual preferences. In order!!

Starting with Ichi! A.K.A. The Only One That Actually Has A Crush On Rodan. Most of the reasons he likes Rodan are because he hits a lot of the traits that all of them find attractive: great warrior;  he's pretty upbeat; he's brave; he gives them "oh this is definitely A Fellow Animal and not a Person" vibes; they think that he's totally down with destroying the world (because they don't realize that he didn't understand that that was what they were up to); and he makes them go "oh, he's like, 60% dorat? 65%?"—because of his appearance, because he (like them) survived the oxygen destroyer unscathed, and because he could break out of their siren song mind control. So those are all reasons for Ghidorah to like Rodan.

But it doesn't explain why Ichi likes him so much more than the other two.

And deep down... deep, deep down... I think Ichi just wants to get dicked down and Rodan looks like he can do the job.

But seriously though—Ghidorah, as a whole, has been suppressing a broad swath of their emotions for an extremely long time, ESPECIALLY their capacity to form emotional connections with anyone else. Ni and San have both cracked on that front—Ni's got an ongoing crush that he deals with by burying it alive, and San's got a star-crossed love half a galaxy away that he left behind kicking and screaming—but Ichi's never cracked. He's never let himself fall for anyone. Ni and San see "keep Ghidorah isolated, independent, self-contained" as an obligation; Ichi sees it as a duty—his duty to his other two parts.

None of the three is officially the leader/in charge, but Ichi ended up the de facto leader because back when they were even worse of a psychological wreck than they are now he was the one who just barely held it together enough to corral them and keep them going. He's the team Mom Friend, assuming that the mom in question is also a hardened drill sergeant without an ounce of natural maternal instinct, and the friends the drill sergeant mom friend is mothering are two traumatized soldiers trying to escape a postapocalyptic hellscape so they can forage for food. He's done a better job of not getting attached than the other two because he's felt most strongly that that's absolutely not an option.

But then they're on Earth, one of the worlds they've struggled the hardest to try to conquer, one of the most frustrating experiences of their post-Xilien-escape life; and they've just woken up from several millennia in ice, pissed the fuck off but also disoriented as hell and keenly aware of the fact that they lost a HELL of a fight in order to have been frozen; and mentally, they're somewhat rattled apart, they're still rebooting their usual emotional shields and defenses, they're still trying to get the mental pieces put back together, and Godzilla attacks them like a minute after they wake up and their brains are definitely not put back together—

There are holes in Ichi's mental defenses that have never been there before. He's vulnerable in a way he hasn't been before. It's not that something about Rodan is more attractive to him than it is to the other two—it's that the other two keep a good solid inch of iron around their capacity for affection, but Ichi keeps a nice fat five-foot-thick steel wall around his; and right now that wall is missing. He is completely exposed to the possibility of someone swooping in and seizing his heart—and Rodan went right for his chest with talons extended. And because just that one time, that one day, he's already shaken up, he's already vulnerable, Rodan gets through when the next day he might not.

And so even though the other two can also look at Rodan and agree, yes, the things Ichi is attracted to him for are indeed attractive, Ichi falls hard and fast when the other two don't.

Or, the tl;dr version:

Ichi has been suppressing his sexuality for several times longer than the human race has existed. For a moment—just a moment—all that suppression is gone; and so he's at risk of latching on to anyone that struck him as attractive. On this day, at this moment, he wants to get dicked down, and by god, Rodan looks like he can do the job.

And with all that written... because everything we've seen that Ichi is attracted to so far fits in with what Ghidorah-as-a-whole is into, I'm not sure that I've got anything specific to list that sets his tastes apart from the collective's. I might come up with some later, but since thus far they haven't been relevant in what I've been writing, I haven't come up with any in particular. Maybe it's just the case that all the things he's attracted to also happen to be things that The Whole is attracted to. Y'all wanna suggest specifics, I'll see if I like any that I can work in?

Ni's romantic tastes are best covered here, with the explanation of why he's into San:

https://ckret2.tumblr.com/post/187039340467/anonymous-said-why-did-redacted-fall-for

And honestly... that's it. That's his taste. San is his taste. His taste is San. He had a babycrush on San since back when they were three individual dorats that barely knew each other, long before they were picked up for Highly Unethical Animal Experimentation, mutated, combined, and turned into Ghidorah; and realizing that one of the two people he was stitched together to and sharing brainspace with was the dude he had a crush on was one of the primary things that galvanized him to, like, survive. And since then having a secret limerent obsession with one of the two dudes he's fused to has determined almost everything about his romantic preferences, sexuality, and entire mental/emotional landscape.

What he liked San for originally can basically be boiled down to:

1) He was less "hivemindy" than other dorats, particularly dorats of his sex—San's sex is the one that's got less control over their empathic abilities, and so it's easy for a bunch of them to get together and catch the same emotion from each other like a fast-moving contagion. San had a tendency to go less "tunnel vision" on whatever The Group was thinking about and notice things going on outside their current activity—often with such great interest and attention that it broke The Group out of the zone as well, to their consternation—but Ni, who was uncomfortable in hiveminds, appreciated that about him.

2) Ni's of the dorat sex that's got stronger empathic abilities, but also a better ability to dim the degree to which they're active—and Ni liked to not just dim his ambient empathic field but also turn it off completely, because he didn't like others reading his feelings at all times. This is uncommon enough in dorats that it actually drove their owner to take him to the vet to make sure his head was okay. (And it was okay; he was just Extremely, Extremely Introverted by dorat standards.) Most dorats thought that this made Ni super weird/uncomfortable/off-putting. San thought it made him interesting, a unique novelty worth investigating. Ni appreciated that San didn't radiate Wild Discomfort in his presence.

3) San was, like, pretty hot. For a dorat. To other dorats. Adolescent dorats. Basically he was the cutest preteen snake in the room because he looked like a 14-year-old snake instead of a 12-year-old snake.

But that... was an extremely long time ago. And basically none of it applies anymore. What's being hivemindy or not matter when there's only three of you and you're always in and out of each other's heads? What's it matter that once upon a time long long ago San thought Ni was okay for shutting off access to his emotions when now there are only two people who CAN feel Ni's emotions/thoughts and both of them are equally chill & used to him keeping his mind closed/filtered to them? What's it matter that San was a cute baby snake when they're now three terrifyingly ancient monster snakes that were mutated to look almost identical?

So, by this point? What he's attracted to is, legitimately, "whatever San is like." His preferences shift so that they're always San-centric. San is the emotional rock Ni is clinging to.

... It's honestly kind of terribly unhealthy.

So if you asked him what he's attracted to, he'd say, like, "Oh, you know... someone who's observant, attentive... someone who's curious about his environment, likes learning... someone who appreciates the little things... uhh...... someone who's closer to the left shoulder than the right shoulder........." and then he'd peter out of traits to list because at this point Ichi, Ni, and San's identities are like 75% overlapped and there's not much room left in them for their individual differences.

But he wouldn't be interested in any of those listed traits if they were in somebody other than San.

(Ni is capable of being "interested" in other people—but it's 50% "I'm interested in you as a friend" and 50% "We, Ghidorah, currently in a mood to feel like an individual instead of like three people, are together interested in you romantically." Ghidorah slides back and forth between being "three-in-one" and being "one-from-three."

San's tastes are covered pretty thoroughly in the post about why he (and the rest of Ghidorah) is into Gigan:

https://ckret2.tumblr.com/post/186622638902/more-on-the-relationship-between-gigan-and

Beyond all the reasons San likes Gigan that Ichi & Ni share—his skill in & passion for violence, his familiarity with what it's like to be an unwilling war weapon—he also likes his sense of humor, his ability to appreciate and revel in little details the way San does... and, probably more importantly than anything else, Gigan represented a way out.

All this time, Ghidorah has kept together and remained... if not "stable" in the sense of "emotionally healthy," then "stable" in the sense of "maintaining a mental balance well enough not to fall over"—but they're stable like a tightrope walker who's gotten really good at maintaining that balance on their tightrope, not like somebody who's standing on solid ground. And they maintain that balance through isolating themselves, never letting themselves get attached to any place or any thing or any one, never letting themselves linger in one spot for long, always moving on, on, on, on, back into space. They're that meme "If I keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair."

Which is all well and good, except "avoiding connecting with anything" does not adequately keep San's mind occupied, and the only reason he hasn't fallen into a bottomless pit of despair is because he's got two other people in his head just barely tugging him back from toppling in. But he's desperate for... a sense of continuity, a sense that he can invest something in life that won't vanish in three days, a sense that anything matters. He wants desperately to connect to something else—or someone else.

Gigan offers that connection—Gigan is someone safe they can connect to, because he has the same lifestyle as them. He's someone that San can let in... without them having to change their life at all.

So, that's what he's attracted to that sets him apart from the other two: he's attracted to escape routes. He falls for someone who can anchor them so they don't keep tumbling off into space, from world to world and apocalypse to apocalypse. He wants someone who can be an excuse for them to stop and hold still. Someone who's compatible with them, someone who's just like them, someone who burns worlds the same way they do, but is capable of wrapping their arms (wings? tails? whatever) around Ghidorah and holding them in one place—whether that's "one place" physically or emotionally.

He's just tired of floating through outer space in asteroids.

[baenxietydad]

all this bad blood here, won’t you let it dry? || the baes

@justkeepdancing-nemo​

Date: August 22nd, 2020

tl;dr: Nemo invited both his father and the Songs to his recital. It goes as you would expect.

MARLIN:

 Mu-yeol was not crying, nope. He was one-hundred percent not! Crying!

Right, okay, maybe a little. His son was talented, what can he say? He saw So-yeon’s joy in him when he danced, but most of all she saw his son’s hard work, and it was like he forgot how tired and stressed out he made himself to pay for dance. Seeing Nemo dance made every bit of it worth it.

“Nam-min!” He called to him after the recital, waving him over. 

He was at least thirty percent sure Nemo would turn around and walk away from him...but maybe he’d accept a hug just this once.

 NEMO:

Another recital swept Nemo up into its arms and he danced through it. Nemo had made a new record number for himself too when it came to the number of routines that he’d been cast in, from ballet, street,to contemporary. He found himself running off stage at the end of each number to go back to the dressing rooms, where he stripped off his costume so he could slip into his next one. The speed of it all kept Nemo from thinking too deeply about how this recital was different-- how it wasn’t just Appa in the audience, or Robbie, or Tae, Finn, Louie-- but the Songs. My grandparents, Nemo thought to himself as he wiped sweat from his forehead and then darted back to the stage. Eomma’s parents. Eomma’s sister.

He had to make them proud.

He danced with everything he had. The music resonated through him, turning him into an extension of its notes and its rhythms. When the recital was over and he was back on stage bowing, the applause thundered in his brain and he almost couldn’t believe it. It had gone so so fast. He lifted his face up and smiled out at the crowd, the lights bright in his eyes.

He didn’t even bother to change out of his last outfit. Instead, he headed straight out to the lobby and began to search…

He saw Appa first, and that felt right.

Nemo beamed and darted over to him. With his whole body still buzzing with adrenaline and endorphins, and Appa grinning back at him, the past few weeks were almost insignificant. He had never not hugged Appa after a dance recital. How could he not hug him now?

Nemo didn’t even really think about it, just pushed into Appa’s space and wrapped his arms around him. “Appa!” he exclaimed loudly over the crowd of people. 

 MARLIN:

 Nemo hugged him. Nemo hugged him, and it was only his desire to not embarrass his son that kept him from bursting into tears. He managed to hug Nemo back and not cling to him with too much desperation and pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

“Nam-min!” He reached up to mess with his hair. “You were wonderful, as always. Dance is really your calling, maybe you should look into studying it after you age out of this.”

Yes. He was suggesting university. Why not? His son was too talented to stop at eighteen. 

“I’d hate to see you stop dancing anytime soon.”

NEMO:

Dance is really your calling-- 

Maybe it was. 

The thought had started to sneak in more often since reading Eomma’s journals. As soon as it did though, Nemo shook it off--stamped it out-- blew it away like a leaf caught in a squall. Because ha, it couldn’t be. Nemo hadn’t trained enough. He wasn’t as tall as the best ballerinos nor as strong. He was lacking in many areas, which Appa would never see because he didn’t train and also had his Appa-glasses on at all times…

Plus he was a fairy and he’d never, never, get cast in a company. Why spend money at a uni when it’d never go anywhere…?

But the words still warmed Nemo’s chest and he scrunched his nose for a shy moment. “I won’t stop-- can always teach maybe anyway, though who knows, maybe I’ll be a performance-talent after all.”

 It wouldn’t be the same, of course--Nemo would never be the best at that. But...he was starting to enjoy those lessons as he found ways to work with his small wing to pull off the aerial stunts. 

 MARLIN:

 “And you would be the best in the Hollow.” Mu-yeol said, smiling down at his sweet boy’s face. “You are beautiful, Nam-min. I’m so happy to make dance class happen for you when I see you.”

He regretted not bringing flowers now; he just wasn’t sure if he...if he wanted them. Would accept them. 

Mu-yeol was about to shower his son in more praise, when coming up from behind Nemo was his worst nightmare. The nightmare who, last he saw her, threatened to take his fledgling and raise him without him, and who blamed him for So-yeon’s death as much as he did himself. 

Kang Kyung-ok, if the flesh, and in a dress fit for the London Ballet. 

“No. No…” he whispered as she approached. 

NEMO:

Appa’s smile dropped off his face. 

And okay-- Nemo really had meant to tell Appa before this. He kept trying to gather this courage. But every time he tried, anxiety surged through him and it was like every fight he ever had with Appa was on replay at the same time, a cacophony of arguments about how Nemo didn’t know better and he was just a fledgling and Appa was just trying to protect him-- punctuated at the end by the exact same expression that Appa wore now. 

If Nemo told Appa, he wouldn’t have come to the recital. But wasn’t the recital a good place for, if not a fresh start, just not a bad start? It was neutral ground, no place or time for fighting, not among the celebrations.

Guilt still flashed through him as he drew away from Appa’s arms. “Appa,” he started slowly. “It’s okay. I ah...reached out to them and they’ve been visiting for the past week. I know I should have told you but I knew you’d be upset--” Nemo’s eyes darted from the Songs to his abeoji again. “But there’s no reason to be, right?” He put on a smile. “We’re all here for the same reason! The past is in the past!” 

Soon-ja appeared by Halmoni’s side and she did a half bow toward Appa, then greeted him in Korean. “It’s good to see you, Mu-yeol-ssi,” she said, smiling politely. Then she looked back at Nemo and grinned. “Nam-minnie! You were even better than the videos!” 

Ah, thank the seasons for his aunt. Maybe between Nemo and Soon-ja they could keep this from turning into anything dramatic. 

 KYUNG-OK: 

 Kyung-ok had been worried that her youngest daughter, who has always liked her sister’s partner, would be too kind to him. But it seemed she wasn’t leaping at him shouting ‘oppa!’ which had to mean Soon-ja saw him for what he really was. 

A coward. A pitiful excuse for a fairy. A parasite that didn’t deserve their late daughter’s memory let alone deserved her in life. 

“Why ever would you be upset that Nam-min got to know his magic line?” Kyung-ok cooed, syrupy sweet, in Daegu-dialect Korean. 

“Yes, Bae-ssi,” Young-chul added, casually insulting Mu-yeol. Would Nam-min know that little quirks of Korean culture? “We only wanted to see our grandson dance.”

“Nam-minnie, flower—” Kyung-ok began, reaching for Nemo’s hand specifically to make Mu-yeol look crazy when he instinctively gripped his son’s shoulder. She had to bite back her devilish grin and force herself to frown. “See? I told you there was no way we can be a happy family.”

 MARLIN:

 Aiya, she was really doing this, wasn’t she?

“And whose fault was that really?” Mu-yeol said evenly, slipping into his satoori in kind. “Before my son was even born you took every opportunity to-”

No, not here. Not in front of Nemo and certainly not in front of all of his dance teachers. 

“There was a good reason she wanted to raise him in Seoul.” Away from you, he didn’t need to add. It was implied. 

And that was true. So-yeon did not want her parents to be just a quick bus ride across the city away. She wanted some distance between her and them, a buffer of kilometers between them and Nam-min and his small wing. No...not a total exclusion from his life, but enough space so that she had control over how much they saw him. 

If they can’t drop all this talk about his wing, then...then I don’t need them! She once shouted, trying her hardest to sound and look determined, and not terrified of the prospect of actually cutting out her parents entirely. 

But that’s exactly why So-yeon absolutely would have done it to protect her son if it came down to it. She always jumped headfirst into things that scared her. 

They’d already pushed her far enough away by insulting her choice in a partner. Her parents were always on thin ice with her.

“I’ll...walk to Sindri’s with you Nam-min. Let’s go.”

   NEMO

Appa gripped his shoulder. Halmoni reached for his hand. 

Nemo was literally caught in the middle between the Songs and the Baes and it hadn’t even been a proper flutter-length! 

He sucked in a breath as the Korean started to shoot rapid-fire, Appa speaking the way he spoke to his siblings on the phone--which was always hard for Nemo to grasp everything. If he said something truly rude then, Nemo didn’t know. Halmoni was acting like it was though. She frowned, and Nemo frowned-- and he wanted to grind his teeth and then stomp on all of their feet! 

Aiya, why say anything if they couldn’t say something nice? Just talk about him! He was right here! Compliment his dance or something!

His feet remained solidly stuck to the ground, even as Appa squeezed his shoulder tighter and urged him to leave. 

“No,” he said. He glanced from Appa to his grandparents and back. “We were going to go to dinner after my recital. This is the first one they’ve ever seen,” he spoke as firmly as his feet were planted. It was only fair his grandparents got to celebrate with him. They’d missed every recital before--every birthday, every Chuseok, everything. 

“You can come, Appa, but you all have to be nice to each other.” 

 KYUNG-OK:

She smiled at Mu-yeol, venom behind it as she held Nam-min’s hand. His eyes darted to Soon-ja like he was begging her to help him but Soon-ja was only looking at Nemo. 

How poetic that Mu-yeol’s only ally here was turning his back on him. 

Wise choice, child. She thought. He was a Song, not a Bae after all. 

“She’s incapable of that.” Mu-yeol muttered, letting go of Nam-min’s shoulder. “I respect my son too much to get into an argument here.”

He stepped back even as his eyes read pure terror. 

 NEMO

Appa stepped away.

Nemo tried not to be disappointed, but his heart dropped anyway. His hand in Halmoni’s loosened as he gazed after his abeoji, biting down on his lip. Actually, it was more than just disappointment--

Nemo’s chest got tight. That tiny guilty voice whispered, see? He does think you betrayed him.

“Appa,” he said softly again. He took a step away from Halmoni. He knew it was probably pointless-- it was always pointless with Appa, no matter how much Nemo tried to reason, no matter if he was kind and quiet or loud and aggressive. Whenever Appa made up his mind, he was rock-stubborn. Kinda like Nemo too--

 Still, it was a habit to try to reason with him and that habit kicked in now. “C’mon. I want you there too. I want all of you there, you’re all my family. Please, just...just try. For me.” 

 MARLIN:

“Nam-min…” Mu-yeol said, speaking English intentionally so only his son and Soon-ja could understand. He took another step back. “I’m respecting your boundaries, limits, and agency by letting you alone to stay with Sindri, and not playing tug of war with you right now. Respect mine. I will not— I can’t. You don’t understand what -”

He cleared his throat and glared at Kyung-ok. His son would learn soon enough what a monster she was. 

“I should have skipped this one, I knew I had a bad feeling for a reason.” He muttered under his breath, before nodding to Nemo. “Goodbye.”

He was even going to ask Nemo if he wanted to come to dinner tomorrow night...now? Who’s to say he wouldn’t bring the Songs?

He’d never felt so small before. 

 NEMO

I should have skipped this one, I knew I had a bad feeling for a reason.

More than anything, these words hurt-- a gut-punch that had Nemo’s breath caught in his throat. You mean...you weren’t going to come? Nemo thought, but couldn’t say out loud. He knew if he did, he’d instantly start crying.

Because it was his fault.

Of course Appa was thinking about not coming. Despite Nemo inviting him, he still hadn’t returned home. So much was still broken. Nemo thought the gap between him and Appa was healing, even if it healed slowly, but apparently the distance was too far. 

 He thinks you’ve abandoned him. Why would he come watch you dance?

You’re so selfish, Nemo. 

You’ve hurt him too much.

Nemo swallowed twice and he crossed his arms over his chest, glancing away from Appa. Well--he couldn’t force Appa to give his relatives a chance, nor could he blame him, considering...everything. Halmoni warned him. Nemo had asked for this. He should have just called Appa and told him about his grandparents earlier, when Soon-ja first called him! Then Appa would know why Nemo did this and…

Nevermind. 

“Okay,” Nemo said. He stepped back toward Halmoni. “Um...I guess…”

 I’ll call. I’ll text. I’ll see you.You’ll come with more gimbap, right? 

“Fly safe, Appa,” he said.