#or also to remember that things can be shitty and tense for a bit but if everyone involved has good intentions itll be okay

[marsixm]

i guess the answer is youre not “supposed” to have bad emotions. if you do thats your fault. even if you dont want them and cant control their existence. even if you dont act on them. even if you actively dont act on them. if you cant either be normal or pretend to be normal convincingly, you get shafted

[yanaleese]

◈ Love Me, Kidnap Me, and Love Me More ◈

Yandere! OC Karma x Calculative! Gender Neutral! MC

VER EN ESPAÑOL. MUY PRONTO

Synopsis: You put blood, sweat, and tears into your work. Little did you know, your secret admirer, Marka does it too.

Content warning: Yandere and literally anything that goes with it, violence, hypnosis (not on reader), drugs (implication), and yes there will be a Part 2

PLEASE SUPPORT PALESTINE WITH MONEY, OR WITH A CLICK

Scores, talents, personas.

THESE are the factors that classify the education system. Although not immaculate, it serves its purpose - to send vulnerable people into the workforce, and devour them whole. Their livelihoods, their time, and the minuscule bits of energy left inside of them.

But there are some who are born with advantages, and some who have to work their ass off for it.

I, unfortunately, have the latter. Things don’t come easy, instant, or perfect. I am actually quite idle, I enjoy the freedom of gaining knowledge and insight. Uniquely, tried and tested knowledge that is critical for survival.

And that, is how I manage my late nights. By listening to “Advice to Survive” with its host, McGregory Callahan.

Back in the 60s, he was a CWO-4 Navy Seal officer, a rank given to an exclusive few. And now that he’s retired, he humbly shares his advice to the community, and showcases guests every now and then to keep the show alive. But majority prefers to listen to his voice, which I strongly agree with.

“And so, ladies and gents…” His voice was smooth and husky. “It’s time to sign off, folks. Stay safe, and always remember…” I chuckled, saying his closing lines with him.

“Live, not die, and try to survive. Thanks everyone.”

As the radio chipped off, the sun poured its rays into my window, as if the heat wasn’t enough. I groaned, my eyes leading me to my collection of “wake-up” capsules. Tempted, and deceived, I slithered my way over to it, dropping another 2 or 3 in my mouth.

I grumbled. Regret seeped into my veins, my body woozy and tense. Once again, I stayed up.

And of course, it happened to be a Monday morning; where I had a morning class. “Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw.” I began stuffing my bag with my utensils, paperwork, snacks. I could never get used to this shit. “I hope nobody pisses me off for the rest of the day.”

◈

“The bell. Ugh, the damn bell. Never have I wanted to smash that thing into pieces.” You could barely make out the crowd, more or less. Not even your best friend’s face.

“Wait. You had a rough night…again?” Heidi glared, her eyes were practically glowing with concern.

“Maaaaaaybe.” You slurred, taking baby steps to your seat. “Good thing my seat mate is a quiet kid.”

Speak of the devil, Marka entered the room, his footfalls silent as he strolled to your direction. His timing was impeccable.

“Good morning, Marka.” You mumbled, your eyes not meeting his. Besides, there were no eyes thanks to his bangs.

“Heh…” In response, Marka gave an exciting grin, happily waving a good morning back to you. How he could be energized on a Monday morning, was a complete mystery to you.

Actually, a lot of him is shrouded in mystery. Or rather, in suspicion.

Other than the weird name, Marka was supposedly from the countryside of Honduras, Tegucigalpa. His parents were also from Honduras, and he worked as a pizza delivery driver, and stayed at a friend’s apartment for shelter, with the purpose of redoing college thrice to get a degree. While some of this is true, some of it didn’t add up.

For example, his idioms. Sometimes he would say “Puchica” , “Chero”, “Chivo” - and when I looked them all up, the common denominator was El Salvador. He said his parents came from Honduras, so how can this be true?

“[Y/N].”

Then him, being the pizza delivery driver. You don’t often order pizza, but you’ve never thought that pizza could smell so shitty. You could remember him rushing to one of your afternoon classes, and instead of smelling like oil and grease, he smelt like weed. What the fuck???

“Hello? [Y/N]?”

Plus, the fact that he is redoing the course a third time. And yet, every single exam he is perfectly scoring an average mark. He also ends before everyone else, as if he has all the time in the world.

That’s not normal.

Though you’ve never confronted Marka about this, you preferred to remain silent. Times are harsh, and you weren’t willing to stretch out a hand when you could barely help yourself.

But there is NO way that you’re befriending someone as suspicious as him.

“[Y/N]!!!” Heidi whisper-shouted, breaking you out of your thoughts.

“[Y/N], please answer-“ Mr. Dimmy paused, clearing his throat. “Actually. On second thought, please see me after class. Thank you.”

You bit my lip, letting it bleed. Fuck. You spaced out again.

“Sir I-“

“No buts, no coconuts.”

While cursing yourself internally, you decided to take out your vent book out of your bag, only to be stopped by Mr. Dimmy once more.

“[Y/N]. Can you please answer the question on the board for me, please?”

Shit, you just opened your bag.

“Give me a moment-“

“[Y/N].”

Clenching your fists, you gave a plastic smile. It was understandable where he was coming from, since he didn’t want his star pupil to daydream for the second time.

“My bad, Sir. Hopefully I’ll get this right.”

As you were busy solving the equation, Marka decided to do you a favor and close up your bag. So by the time you came back, Marka grinned, hoping for a thanks to come out of it. But you decided to ignore the kind gesture, continuing to pay attention to the board. You had enough attention for one day.

◈

If there was one thing you loved, it was clocks. It was nice to know how the time passed, whether it was rapid or abnormally slow. And of course, it was slow.

“[Y/N], this has happened on multiple occasions.” Mr. Dimmy rubbed his temples, exhausted from having the same conversation with you. “We, as staff, made it clear that you can take days off.”

“I’m very sorry Sir, but I can’t do that-“

“[Y/N], enough with the excuses. You are not enough getting enough sleep, and it’s affecting your concentration.”

Scores, talents, personas: nothing on this conversation applied to that. Kindness was a pain in the ass.

“And so, I’m going to ask the dean to personally give you a suspension. A whole week suspension.”

You had to hold your tongue. Why do you have to do triple the work???

“Sir. I’m behind on what I need to cover. I’m begging you, please just let it slide.”

“But [Y/N], you are three weeks ahead. Taking a week off is enough right now. Trust me.”

You glanced at the clock. It was 9:47, the minute hand approximately reaching the next minute.

“If I see you Tuesday afternoon, I will personally escort you outside. That is all.”

Rubbing your eyes, you ran to the top of the stairs, before making yourself out. You couldn’t believe what just happened.

“[Y]-[Y/N]…” It was Heidi.

“Heidi. I’m done for the day, so I’m going home. Text me later if you’re curious.” Your demands were quick and stern.

Poor Heidi snuggled her books, her expression shaping into pity and guilt. If only you could just take a break.

◈

“Giggles, after giggles. These fucking cuches don’t know when to quit it, don’t they?”

“Markaaaa…” She snorted, sounding exactly just like he called her: a pig. “Teach me a little Spanish, no?~ ❤️”

Marka shook his head, his face clearly showing discomfort.

“Come on, we wanna hear it! Maybe we can fuck it up, you know?”

Damn that Rico bastard. He never knew how to read a room.

“I said no.” Marka ran his fingers through his bangs, revealing the swirling darkness within his eyes. “Now learn to be good little shits, I’m in a bad mood.”

Immediately, the entire group stood completely still. Before seconds later, horrifying shrieks escaped people’s lips. Some froze in horror, sweating profusely. Others just ran away from Marka, while some fought with him. Luckily, thanks to his physique he could handle his attackers pretty clearly.

“Ha…shame…” He continued to hit Rico with every punch, starting to see blood oozing out of him. Marka couldn’t help but grin in sadistic glee. “This hypnosis is always pure luck for me.”

Grabbing the leg of one of his classmates. Marka twisted, fractured, and even jumped on her leg, which was perfectly in sync with his words.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.” Marka cursed out loud, growling in frustration. Every time he thought about you, the feeling wouldn’t go away. “I just wanted to do a good deed. Why. Won’t. They. Love. Me.”

Hearing the classmate’s sharp cry, Marka kicked the person away from him, heading to your locker. It was encased in a shitload of locks, all of them personally made by yourself. You knew how to be efficient and useful.

Too bad Marka knew lockpicking a bit too well. “It’s been a while since my last rejection…so let’s see what’s here now-“

With a clink, he guided his fingers to first few letters he made….only to find them….

Crushed.

“….”

He should’ve been used to this by now. The dust, the grime, the dead spiders. After finally getting a fresh new locker, it was understandable that you cleaned up the space.

But you didn’t. You decided to make your old locker your new dumpster bag instead - including his love letters.'

His scarred thumb clutched the pink envelope, or the crushed up ball that it was. He could remember the time he had to go off on business, missing college for an entire week. He had to stay low due to a shot out, which resulted him gaining a major injury in the shoulder and his left hand. He didn’t mind the injuries due to past experiences, but he was…depressed. Marka couldn’t see anyone, neither be online lest he got found out. It was a decision that both he and José made for his safety.

And so, to satiate his loneliness, he wrote to you. Even though his left hand was twitching in pain, he wrote. Even though his brain was telling him to stop because of the pain; he wrote. He wrote because he knew that you gave him the happiness, the hope that he needed for this world. Yes, you were flawed…but with each other, the two of you could heal one another’s scars. Right?

“….Ha….”

His hands shook in silent rage as dark droplets dropped on to the paper. I’m sure you didn’t know any better, it was simply a misunderstanding. Yes, yes - it was miscommunication.

It was understandable, since he didn’t make it clear. He didn’t flirt with you since it wasn’t your thing. I guess the letters weren’t either.

Maybe he’d have to try something…a bit more drastic.

“I need to know…do they love me…? Do they not? Maybe….”

Clutching the paper in his chest, he started chuckling to himself. No, grinning madly as he stared at the locker in front of him, his face contorted into something twisted and grotesque.

“Maybe it’s time I should pay your house a visit, hmm? ❤️~.”

NOTES:

Cuche = Means pig in Salvadorian slang. ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀɴʏ qᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴs ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴋᴀʀᴍᴀ, ᴊᴏsᴇ́ ᴏʀ ʜᴇɪᴅɪ ғᴇᴇʟ ғʀᴇᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴄʜᴇᴄᴋ ᴍʏ ɪɴʙᴏx.

[elsaellaelys]

Wandering Hands

Kinktober

summary: JJ forget Y/N's birthday, a massage is the only last minute gift he can come out with.

WARNINGS: 18+, massage kink.

999 words

pairing: JJ Maybank x fem!reader.

a/n: Late, but always here in the end.

--★--

Shit!

JJ thought as she opened the door, failing in trying to hide the guilty look in his eyes.

Double shit!

He remembered, his hands were empty.

"JJ? What a surprise! I thought I wouldn't see you today." she said, leaning in the door frame, a devilish smirk formed in her face, ready to make him feel desperate.

"You crazy? I had to see my birthday girl." he smiled back, open more the door to come inside. She was pissed with the fact that he forgot about her day, she knew it was just JJ after all, but when he called her "his girl"... It made her chest ache a little.

"I know you forgot. Don't try to fool me."

"How could I..."

"JJ. Don't."

"Okay, Alright." JJ raised his hands in surrender. "I woke up hangover and I went to the beach to forget about how shitty I was feeling and it just slipped from my mind." he confessed. "But I swear. The last thing I sober thought about before sleeping was you, and your birthday. We can still do a lot of stuff."

"No, J. It's too late. Plus..." she began, trying to strech her shoulders a bit.  "...I'm going out with the girls tonight."

"Oh, come on, you spent the day with them."

"No, it's girls night dinner. Just give me my present and I forgive you."

Triple shit?

He hided his hands in his pockets.

"You didn't brought me a present?" She madly asked.

"Of course I did. It's me! I'm your present!" Y/N furrowed her eyebrows when JJ started to search through her cabinets, collecting snacks. "We gonna have a movie night."

"We have one every Friday, you dork!"

"Dork?" he laughed, making she cross her arms.

"Can you leave it, I wanna sleep a little, I'm tired."

"I can help with that."

"Help me sleep?"

"No, kinda. I can give you massages, to relax you. I'm gonna do it for how long you want." he suggested.

"Free massages?" she asked, he nodded, dragging her to the pull out.  "You're kinda rough with massages... I don't know..."

"Come on." he pushed to lay down. "Take off your shirt." he said, her eyes went wide and he laughed. "I won't look. See?" he turned around, taping his eyes with his hands.

Y/N hesitantly took off her shirt. It's okay, it's okay. She repeated to herself over and over. The problem wasn't just that she was half naked in front of her friend, but also, deep inside, maybe not too deep to be hard to find, she was enjoying it. "Okay, go ahead. Just don't punch me." She nervously laughed.

He approached, his hands started to scratch as he thought about touching her back, her pretty tanned soft skin. "Uhm. Do you... have a lotion... or something?"

"In the first cabinet in the bathroom."

JJ tried to hold his thoughts, his feelings, he swore he was trying, but the long breath she let out when he touched her in certain points... Annoyingly made it grow harder and harder, literally.

"Oh, that's good. How'd you got so good at this? Just go a little bit upwards."

JJ laughed, sounding so uneasy to his self JJ that Y/N noticed. "You sounded wrong?"

"What do you mean?" she asked. There was an awkward silence between their voices.

"Like... sexually." he whispered.

Her laugh went loud. "You just have the dirtiest mind."

"Can you blame me?"

Y/N holded a breath, a moan when he pressed her waist, unintentionally, making her cunt squeeze around nothing.

"You still tensed?"

"A bit." she breathed out.

"Can I go lower?"

"Please." Her teeth bit her bottom lip as his hands travelled to the curve of her ass, slowly going to her hips. "Please." She whispered again.

"You sure?"

"I thought you owed me a present."

"Then sit up. This will stay between us, okay?"

She nodded and sitted, boobs free under his gaze.  He cursed under his breath, kneeling in front of her, just enough to reach her mouth with his and her inner thighs with his hands. The kiss was needy, desperate almost, Y/N barely cried when he pulled back, but he was quick to replace his mouth in her nipple sucking hardly. She let the moan from the deep of her throat, the one she had been holding in, grasping her hands in his blonde locks she spread her legs open, wishing she was already naked.

"Let's take this off." JJ said breathless, a "Fuck" whisper escaping from his mouth. Her pussy was glistening wet, locking his gaze with hers, he couldn't hold, but dive in her core. Looking in her eyes all time, he was working her wonders through a euphoric search.

How did he learned this? It was like he didn't needed to breath, laping her folds like a starved cat in a milk bow.

"Jesus, Jay, go slow." she begged, but he didn't heard, the sound of her wetness was all in his ears and he continued. Y/N came hard, for him, all under his mercy, merciless, her legs tight around his head, she gripped the velvet couch, calling his name. He entered two fingers inside her clenching cunt and she gasped in overstimulation.

"Now, come on pretty girl, one more." He encouraged her, curving his fingers in her, pumping them in a come here motion. It quickly pushed her to another ending and this time he slowed through her high, unplugging his fingers to collect her juices with his tongue.

"J..."

He thought her taste was just as sweet as her moans, as his name in her moans. She reached for his arms, pulling him on the sofa with her, his jaw was all wet and it made she laugh, cleaning his checks and the tip of his nose, she kissed him.

"I'm gonna tell the girls I not going out anymore."

"Hmm." he whined chasing her lips, but she pulled back again.

"I'm so glad you almost forgot my birthday."

[hxney-lemcn]

Falling For U— Josuke Higashikata x gn! reader

summery: Seeing things that others didn't was a normal part of your day. Until you find a group of delinquents that end up seeing your own stand. Who knew that you'd end up falling for one in particular.

tw: mentions death (reader can see ghosts)

a/n: Guys please I need more Josuke fics. More ace spec reader Josuke fics too. I'm finding it harder to write right now, but I somehow managed to get this out. (So please excuse the shitty transitions).

wc: 5.1k

Master List

It was another regular day. Focusing on school work while trying to ignore the stares and whispering of the beings around me. I’ve been able to see these figures for as long as I can remember. I learned quickly to keep my mouth shut about them when I got in trouble for scaring not only my classmates when I was 6, but my parents as well. I also learned that these beings were ghosts, and I was somehow able to communicate with them. 

A being that stood out seemed to come at will. They’d help me communicate with the ghosts when I couldn’t do it outright. The weird part being that they didn’t look like any of the other ghosts. It was a translucent misty blue being that was wearing a dark gray suit along with a white skull mask. 

I tapped my pencil to my notebook to the tune that’s been playing in my head on repeat at the moment. My eyes drifted from the teacher to my old pet that laid next to my desk. There were some perks to my ability, and that was getting to see my pets that have passed away. It always felt bittersweet to see them still following me in their afterlife. If only I could still pet them…

My thoughts halted when the bell rang. I put my stuff in my bag as quickly as I could, ready to finally go home. I walked with my friends to the gate and we all shared our goodbyes, going our separate ways. Feeling hungry, I decided to stop at a cafe that was on my way home. Just a quick in and out, it’s not like I was going there to hang out. But entering the cafe, it held a nice atmosphere that made me want to just…rest there for a bit. Would it be weird for me to eat here alone? 

I tensed as I noticed a group of students in the familiar uniform. Yeah never mind. I didn’t really know them, one of them was in my class and I knew they were friends. I mean I’ve heard rumors about them, how they’re delinquents, but everyone knew Koichi was a top notch student so I took all the information with a grain of salt. 

After giving my order and paying, I took a seat next to the pick up counter. I stared out the window closest to me, waiting to hear my name called. Suddenly, that familiar blue mist appeared and I kept my gaze to where the window would be. I didn’t want people to think I was crazy. Something in my being told me that it’s name was GhostBuster, but I found the name too humorous to take seriously. 

‘Someone wants to know if their child is okay,’ The figure signed in my line of sight. My grandma taught me sign language at a young age and I was fascinated with it. But no one else really knew how to speak in sign around me so I’d like to teach my friends small phrases if they were interested enough. GhostBuster, I suppose I will call the figure, also seemed to know sign, as they spoke to me with it first. It was a great way to communicate without seeming crazy since most of the signs could be done against a table. 

‘Give me the information and I will look into them,’ I signed back against the table. Since I was able to see the dead, from a young age I was bombarded with pleas and wishes for me to pass on messages to their loved ones or to commit acts of revenge for them. I didn’t want to do either, as having a total stranger bring up their deceased loved one didn’t seem like a good decision. But if they wanted me to keep them updated about whatever, I didn’t mind going to the library and doing some research. 

My name was called and I couldn’t help but feel eyes follow me. After I grabbed my bag of food, I ducked my head down and walked out. 

After that day I couldn’t help but feel like I was being watched constantly, and this time it was by someone living. And I couldn’t help but notice that I’ve been seeing Koichi and his friends around more often. I ignored it though, I mean Koichi was in my class so I was obviously going to see that friend group a bit. But I noticed their eyes follow me and I didn’t like it one bit. 

I always tried to keep to myself. A total wallflower if you will. I didn’t like standing out. I had my little group of friends I had at school and I stuck to my homework and hobbies after, well as long as I wasn’t working. It was easy to notice them, as no one really looks at me twice, and their stares made my skin prick with anxiety. Did I do something wrong? Do I look weird? Did I do something to upset them? Are they going to beat me up?

I shook the thought out of my head. Yeah I’ve heard rumors of them beating up kids without lifting a finger, but those stories were so far-fetched it was hard to believe. GhostBuster appeared once more during lunch, and those damned stares started to burn. I tried to look at them from the corner of my eye, but I could only catch one of them. Josuke, the most infamous one out of the group, but he wasn’t looking at me…he was looking at GhostBuster. The misty being disappeared as I tensed up. Could they see them? The being that’s been with me since forever? Was that what they were looking for everytime I passed by? Am I in danger now that they have seen it? 

I shifted my focus back on my friends, trying to tune out the ringing in my ears. I’ve always thought I was alone, that I was the only one with strange abilities…did they have them too? Is that where all the crazy rumors have been coming from? It would make a bit more sense. 

The bell ringing signaling the end of the day brought little relief. I just wanted to go home and destress from everything. Maybe play some video games or watch some t.v. I scurried out of class, head down and sticking to the walls. I didn’t even meet my friends, I was too on edge at the moment. 

“Hey!” I glanced up, not sure if that was directed towards me. I froze when I saw Josuke, Koichi, and Okuyasu. I glanced behind me, just in case they were calling for someone else, but I knew that wasn’t the case due to their eyes boring holes into me. 

“Wanna go to St. Gentleman’s with us?” Josuke asked, a nonchalant look on his face. 

I felt confused, looking around once more just to double check before pointing to myself, “Me?”

“Yeah, who else?” Okuyasu asked with a condescending look (it wasn’t exactly mean, more confused than anything). 

I shrugged, shoulders rising in tension, “I don’t know.” I was completely out of my element. 

“You don’t have to if you don’t wanna,” Josuke shrugged, hands in his pockets. 

I stared at the three for a second not sure what to say, but for some reason I found myself agreeing. Okuyasu and Josuke led while Koichi strayed behind, next to me.

“I hope we didn’t scare you,” The short boy spoke up. “We just haven’t had many good experiences with other stand users.”

My face scrunched in confusion and I turned to look at him, “Stand users?”

“Yeah,” Koichi nodded. “You know, that thing that was…talking to you during lunch.”

My gaze drifted towards the glassy eyes of the dead that turned to stare at our strange group in curiosity. I looked back at Koichi, “A lot of people try to talk to me. Well…people that others can’t see.”

It was Koichi’s turn to look at me confused, but before he could ask anything, we arrived at St. Gentlemens. We all put our orders in before sitting at a table for four. Koichi finally asked about these people but first had to catch the other two up in our previous conversation. 

“Ghosts,” I clarified finally as they all stared at me intently. “I can see ghosts, can you see them too?” I glanced over Josuke’s shoulder, a woman in an old 50’s looking waitress uniform stood behind him, a tired smile worked its way on her face when we made eye contact. 

“Nah,” Josuke shrugged, trying to seem chill, but he glanced over his shoulder and met my eyes shakily. “There’s one right behind him isn’t there?” 

I smiled slightly, “She seems nice.” Suddenly, my supposed stand came out and listened as the woman whispered to it. It then approached me and signed what she said.

“What’s it doing?” Okuyasu asked. I forgot they were there. All their eyes fell onto my stand and I couldn’t help but feel flustered at what the old waitress was implying.

“Telling me what she said,” I replied, trying to casually glance out the window.

“What did she say?” Josuke joined, curiosity working into his expression. 

I felt myself slightly fluster, looking towards the boy next to me with shining blue eyes and that unique pompadour. I opened my mouth but I hesitated, it was kinda embarrassing, “...she said…w-we’d make a cute couple.”

I can admit when someone was attractive, and Josuke fit that bill to a T, if the hordes of fangirls I had to pass in the hallways didn’t say anything. But I never talked to him before and I didn’t know him well enough to even think of him romantically. 

Okuyasu let out an obnoxious laugh and Koichi even seemed like he couldn’t hold his chuckles in as Josuke burned bright red. 

“What do your stands do?” I asked, wanting to change the subject. Okuyasu showed his off first, going on and on about its abilities and the many stories of how it saved him to mundane things it helped him with. Then Koichi showed his stand off. Well…all three of them that is. He also explained his own abilities, but kept it sweet and short. 

Finally, Josuke had recovered and told me all about his stand. Showing it off and even demonstrating its powers on a cut I got earlier that morning from my pet. I stared in awe, the cut seemingly vanished in thin air. 

After that, I seemed to have grown closer to the small group of friends. They invited me into group activities more often and both of our friend groups seemed to have joined together, at least for lunch. 

Though I was growing close to one person in particular. Of course that person was going to be Josuke. It didn’t help that those words that the ghost said were ingrained in my head now. Josuke would hang out with me a bit more than the others and the first thought was ‘is he interested in me?’, but I would quickly shake the thought away. I was just looking into everything a bit too hard now. It didn’t help that when Josuke would pull me away to do something, the others would laugh behind us. 

Not to mention that our conversations have been steering towards dating and romantic topics in general. I wish my heart didn’t beat faster when he watched me intently when I explained how I felt about relationships. How I would want to take it slow but I didn’t really have any experience so I wasn’t sure how all that stuff works anyways. My hopeless romantic side was showing greatly as I would make scenarios of what may happen that day, or what it would be like to hold him/be held. 

He also told me how he was looking for the one, and didn’t really want any flings. I agreed with him and our values on romantic relationships seemed to be shared. Which only made me seem to fall further for him, as I didn’t expect someone to share the same beliefs. Yes you heard me correctly, I can’t deny it anymore, I’ve fully fallen for him. I wouldn’t say love, but I haven’t had a crush this strong before. 

“Are you doing anything for Valentine's day?” My friend asked me as we stood outside before school. 

“Nah,” I shook my head, shifting my bag on my shoulder to a comfier position. 

“Really?” They asked skeptically. “Nothing with Josuke?”

I stared at them, feeling myself flustered, “What would I be doing with Josuke?” 

They raised an eyebrow in disbelief, “Confessing to him.” 

I tensed and my face felt like it was on fire, “No way. It’s not like he likes me like that anyways.”

Before my friend could retort, Josuke seemed to have entered the grounds. I couldn’t really see him, but the horde of fans told everything. I looked back to my friend and raised an eyebrow at the scenario.

“I also don’t want him to think of me as just another fan,” I huffed. 

“I don’t think he’d group you with them,” My friend shrugged. “You two are close now, you’re on a level that his fans aren’t.”

I didn’t think about that. Yeah I was his friend, but I suppose that I was afraid that if I did confess, that his view of me would lower and he’d stop wanting to be friends. Which doesn’t sound like Josuke, I know, but the anxiety still lingered. But now I kinda did want to do something now. Not some grand gesture, just a small thing. Maybe make something small and a note. I could buy my friends some candy as well to use as a cover up in case he didn’t like me back…

The day came quicker than I liked. I trudged to school, my bag heavier than normal with the treats it carried. I started to second guess myself, I could always just eat it all myself. Not the candy I got for my friends…but the chocolate covered strawberries I made for Josuke. I could always just give some of the candy in my bag to him instead. Rip the note to shreds and throw it away. 

No, I shook my head. I’ve gone this far, I can always fall onto my cover story just in case. I could pinpoint Josuke easily due to people swarming him like flies. Once again, that little voice of doubt flooded my mind. He’s already being bombarded, I don’t want to add to it. 

“Oi, (y/n)!” A familiar voice shouted. “Over here!” I turned towards Okuyasu, Koichi waving at me from beside him. I joined the two surprised to not see Yukako or Koichi covered in gifts yet. 

“Hey,” I greeted back as I approached them. “I got you guys something.”

Okuyasu’s eyes seemed to shine brightly as I rummaged through my bag and handed them each a little bag of candies. Josuke finally approached us and peered at us curiously, “What’cha guys got there?”

“Thank you so much (y/n)!” Okuyasu yelled, pulling me into a suffocating hug trying to hold back tears. “You’re the best!”

I patted his back and chuckled at his reaction, “I wanted to get you all something for being such great friends.”

Once Okuyasu let go, Josuke peaked his head into my view, “You got us all something?”

I drew in a deep breath, it was now or never I suppose. As the two others were preoccupied digging through their candy bags I quickly took out the small box with the note taped to the top. I thrust it into Josuke’s hands and brought my finger up to my lips in a ‘shh’ motion.

“Don’t tell the others but I got you something a little extra,” I joked lightly, hoping I came off as I normally do. I noticed he started to read the note and I quickly slapped my hand over it, drawing attention to us but I was too anxious to care. “Read that later!” I spluttered, feeling my heart race. I’d rather him read that when I’m far away and can’t see his reaction.

I glanced at my watch, noticing class was going to start soon. I waved goodbye to the group, not taking a second glance. If only I did, because I would’ve been met with Josuke staring at me in adoration, a rosy pink settling on his cheeks. 

The day seemed to drag by and I tried to ignore that I totally confessed to Josuke that morning, even if it was indirectly in a note. It was the first question my friend asked and I begrudgingly told them about what I did. It was a nice distraction when Yukako showed up and poured a load of gifts on Koichi, giving him a short kiss on the cheek as a finale. 

I felt a sort of jealousy setting in the pit of my stomach. That kind of relationship is what I longed for. I suppose not the stalking and kidnapping part…or the obsession… Okay so maybe their relationship wasn’t perfect at first, but they seemed to be working through it together. 

I tried to ignore the glances Josuke would give me during lunch. He totally read the note. God, and he totally knew my intentions too. I shouldn’t have given it to him. I picked at my food as my friends swapped candies they liked. My best friend, knowing exactly what prediction I was in wiggled their eyebrows.

“Oh he totally got the message,” They grinned smugly. I groaned and hit my head on the table. “It’s not that bad. He can’t keep his eyes off of you even with all the people confessing to him.”

“Of course he’s going to be,” I frowned. “I’m his friend so he’s gonna feel different about rejecting me.” 

“More like accepting you,” They nudged me. 

I just rolled my eyes, not feeling hopeful. I just hope I didn’t ruin a great friendship. The second half of class went by faster as I focused on school work. Bell rang and I was the second student to turn their paper in to the teacher and leave. Once again I was going to run out and hopefully not run into the person I was dreading to see. But of course life had a way of squashing my plans.

A pink and baby blue figure stood in front of me, arms crossed and a stoic gaze rested on me. I quickly snapped my head back to a normal angle, I hate being able to see things that others can’t sometimes, I hope no one saw and thought I was weird. I slowly turned my head around as Josuke pushed past other students, charmingly excusing himself. 

“(Y/n),” Josuke panted slightly, waving at me. “Hold up!” 

I stood in place as he finally approached me, “It’s not like I had much of a choice.” 

Josuke grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck, “Well I know you have a tendency to run off and I wanted to make sure I caught up to you this time.”

I wanted to shrink, am I that predictable? Did he really notice that? Does that mean he pays attention to me? I shrugged, not sure why he wanted to catch me so badly after school…okay maybe he does have a reason but I’d rather forget I did anything. 

“Is it cool if I walk you home?” Josuke asked breezily, a charming smile resting on his lips.

Damn him, damn him for stirring up all these fluttery, confusing, warm feelings. I hated it. I hated but loved it. I just wanted to throw the damn feelings away, not wanting to waste time on one-sided pining, but on the other hand I wanted to bask in the warmth these feelings brought. To indulge myself in something I wasn’t sure I was able to have. 

“Sure,” I shrugged again. Just pretend like nothing has changed. That’ll fix everything…totally. Josuke’s grin somehow widened and he nodded. 

I hated that white day was a month after Valentine’s day. Josuke was being much more affectionate towards me lately and his fans didn’t seem too happy. Not that I really cared about them but still, it was uncomfortable. I mean the gestures Josuke did could still be viewed as platonic. It was mostly hugs, resting his arm on my head/shoulder, and on the rareish occasion he’d hold my hand. 

It would make my heart flutter every time. He didn’t bring up the gift I gave him, and I thought that’s what I wanted, but slowly I realized I wanted closure. I’d rather be straight out rejected than this weird little dance we shared of not speaking our feelings. It was giving me hope, something I didn’t like in a situation I felt so uncertain in. 

It was a constant thought in the back of my mind, but it slowly faded as school and work once more took priority. I nearly forgot about the whole ordeal when white day came around. Josuke being more affectionate being a new norm that people just didn’t comment on anymore. And without my friends pointing it out, it became something I grew accustomed to. The flutter in my stomach never left, but I grew used to the feeling. 

“Oh!” I said in shock as Okuyasu handed me a small teddy bear and a small box of chocolates. “Y-you didn’t have to get me this.” 

Okuyasu grinned sheepishly, a small blush on his tanned cheeks, “I never got a gift on Valentines day, even just from a friend. So I wanted to return the favor!”

A giant smile spread across my face, “Well thank you, Oku. It means a lot.”

Koichi handed me a small baggie of candy, similar to the ones I gave him, “I know it’s not as much as the other two got you…”

My eyebrows furrowed as Josuke hadn't given me anything, but decided to brush it off, “It’s alright, I wasn’t expecting anything in return. Besides, I’d rather not get on Yukako’s bad side.” The three of us shivered at the thought. 

The small (okay maybe it grew a lot) glimmer of hope I had that Josuke would reciprocate my confession slowly dissipated throughout the day. It felt like a knife in my heart when I realized I wasn’t the only one waiting for something from Josuke. I truly was just like his fans. I felt cold as I zoned out the teacher’s lecture. Once again, I just wanted to go home and avoid people. I really was predictable. 

I packed my bags slowly as the bell rang. Everyone shuffling around me. This time, I’ll try to wait out Josuke if he was planning on catching me again. I made my way to the band room. My friends would hang out there for a bit after school so I thought I might as well join them. 

“So, how’d it go?” My friend asked, a giant grin on their face. 

I simply looked away with a frown, “How’d what go?”

Their grin fell, “Well Josuke’s an idiot. He can’t just lead you on and do nothing!” I shrugged, my other friends tuning into our conversation. 

“Yeah, don’t get hung up on a guy that isn’t taking your feelings seriously,” My other friend chimed in. 

My heart felt a little lighter at the support of my friends and I smiled bitterly, “Well, Okuyasu got me a cute teddy.” I pulled out the small plushie and the others pointed out how it wasn’t all bad today. I decided to try and focus on the good of today. I got a few things today, I got to hang out with my friends, I got a good score on that one test. Though that small pang was still there. 

The door slid open and Josuke popped into the room, looking a bit frazzled. His eyes scanned the room and when they fell on me they lit up. But my friends weren’t really having it. Their stares held a bit of hostility, but they didn’t do anything more. I, myself, didn’t have the most pleased look. 

“Hey,” He greeted, fully coming into the room, either ignoring the tense atmosphere or not even realizing there was one. “I was wondering where you were. I, uh, was wondering if you’d wanna come to Trattoria Trussardi with me.”

“That one Italian restaurant?” I asked, feeling my heart skip a beat. I hated how he had such an influence on my emotions. My friend elbowed my side and I glared at them. “I suppose I have nothing better to do,” I shrugged, suddenly feeling a bit shy.

“Great!” Josuke shouted, before flushing red and seeming to correct himself. “I-I mean cool, cool.” 

His grin shined through still along with his fading blush. Taking a hand out of his pocket, he held it out towards me and I grabbed it without much thought. I grabbed my bag and glared at my friends as they snickered at us. 

Somehow, with all these feelings bubbling inside of me, Josuke and I managed to slide into a comfortable conversation. He seemed a bit more bashful than usual, stuttering over himself. I showed him the teddy that Okuyasu gifted me when I told him about my day. 

His face contorted into a frown, “So he has enough extra money to buy you something, but when I ask to borrow some he magically doesn’t have any.” 

I couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled up, teasing him I replied, “I guess I’m his favorite now.”

Josuke’s frown turned into a pout, “Is he your favorite?”

When I met those diamond like eyes of his, my heart stuttered. My instinct was to deny it, but maybe I should tease him a bit more for dragging this all out today.

“Maybe,” I replied, looking away to conceal the smile that was nearly splitting at the seams. 

“(Y/nnnn),” Josuke drew out the last syllables of my name. He draped himself over my back, arms sliding over my shoulders and tucking his head in the crook of my neck. I felt myself tense, but forced my shoulders back down into a relaxed position so Josuke didn't pull back. I don’t want him to think I hate his affection, I’m just not used to such actions. “That note you wrote was for me, wasn’t it?” I could feel the smile form on his lips before he pulled away, standing taller than before with newfound confidence. Smug bastard. 

I crossed my arms, not wanting to feed into his ego but not being to deny it either, “I think I might retract it.” 

Before he could protest, we finally came into view. I went to open the door, but Josuke raced me and opened it for me instead. I gave him a weird look but didn’t say anything. Luckily, a table was open and Josuke once again rushed to pull out the seat for me. He seemed a lot more jumpy now, the situation finally sinking in. 

I looked around the restaurant, not sure what to do. There wasn’t any menu, but I’ve only heard good things about this place. People being cured of aches, acne, fatigue, and so much more. It quickly grew into popularity, so I was extra surprised when we got in without a hitch. 

“He’s a stand user,” Josuke spoke up, speaking about the owner of the place. 

“Wow,” My eyes widened. “There’s more stand users here than I thought there would be.”

Josuke nodded, tapping his fingers on the table before changing the subject, “Thank you, for the note and the strawberries.” 

“That feels like ages ago,” I waved him off with a forced laugh. “No need to thank me. You’re my friend, of course I was gonna get you something.”

Josuke seemed to falter, but I pretended like I didn’t notice, “Seemed like a bit more than what just a friend would say.”

I tapped against the table now. I wanted to talk about it, but now I wanted to go back to ignoring it. I glanced at Josuke, his eyes seeming to search for something in my expression. The waiter, I learned named Tonio, put two plates of food in front of the two of us. He smiled at us, wishing us a good meal before leaving. I turned my attention to my food. I wasn’t completely sure what it was, but it smelled good.

No wonder I always found myself single. I’m acting like a child. But ignoring my feelings has always been easier than bearing my heart. I shoved food in my mouth while I internally berated myself. Wow, this was really good food!

“I like holding you,” Josuke said quietly. I tensed as he referenced the stupidly cheesy part of my note where I admitted to enjoying affection. “Your hands seem to fit perfectly in mine, your smile takes my breath away, and everytime you laugh at one of my stupid jokes I feel like I’m on top of the world.” I felt my cheeks warm at his confession and I slowly raised my head up to meet his gaze. It was intense, fiery passion clear in his unwavering crystal gaze. 

“You’re always so kind to us all, you give more than you take,” He continued, his eyes softening. At that moment, it felt like the world came to a halt. I suddenly felt seen, heard, cared about. Josuke took my hand into his own on top of the table, “I found myself falling for you faster than I could process. So when you handed me that small box and note, I was overwhelmed. I still have the note, I don’t think I could ever throw it away because I knew that you were bearing your heart to me, and trusted me with your feelings.”

I squeezed his hand lightly, not sure how to process this information. It was like a dream come true. I wasn’t sure if I could handle much more of his praises though, as I started feeling a bit light headed…or was that the food’s doing?

“A-ah, I’m rambling,” Josuke chuckled awkwardly, rubbing his neck sheepishly. “I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I like you too, (y/n). And it would make my world if you’d agree to be my partner.”

Suddenly, the world grew fuzzy and I squinted my eyes. I could barely make out Josuke’s blurry face before the world snapped back into focus, much clearer than before. I looked around in awe, finally meeting the piercing blue eyes that seemed to hold me in place. 

“I would love to,” I agreed, smiling sheepishly. 

That damn waitress is going to rub it in next time we go to St. Gentlemens.

[morelikeravenbore]

🦋 Writer Interview Game

Thank you for tagging me @theladyofshalott1989! Everyone go read her Like Moths to a Flame series pls (it's on my to-read list and I'm really looking forward to it!)

When did you start writing?

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, I used to hand write entire novels lol. At school, they'd assign us a little writing project and I'd show up with like 28 chapters, ongoing. I remember reading one story aloud once and the whole room was dead quiet after, and one girl goes: "whoa." anyway, eventually they were like, hey I think this kid is gifted (or autistic LOL but why not both.)

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write? 

Not really haha. My brain really goes: HEY WE REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS ONE THING AND WE'RE NOT INTERESTED IN ANYTHING ELSE. I mean, I do enjoy reading non-fiction, and I love the classics, but mostly I like fiction/romance/light fantasy stuff. 

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often? 

Nah. I just write like me. I guess the HP series had a huge influence on me since I was SO obsessed with it, which is probably why I write past tense/third pov limited. Sometimes I'll re-read a lot of Austen and end up using a bunch of old timey words in my next chapter, but mostly I just write and it comes out sounding like me. 

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space? 

I don't have one. I write 99.9% of my work on my phone wherever I happen to be. My brain is chaos but it works for me. (Right now I am writing this on the beach while my dog digs holes beside me.)

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

It's kinda rare that I can't find a muse. Usually I just burn myself out, so reading, resting and rotting helps restore my creative energy.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

HahahhA y'all this is too personal for me *sweats* but yes: grief and shitty parents. No, that does not surprise me. I also seem to have a thing about orphans and red heads.

What is your reason for writing?

I don't know how to stop.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

With fanfic, when people tell me my characterisations of canon characters are spot on, or when people tell me my original characters feel like canon characters, hehe.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I don't want to be thought about by my readers at all, which is why I'll always write as an anonymous gremlin. And as far as my characters and stories go, I honestly don't give much thought to it. People are free to think what they like, it doesn't really bother me.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

Getting inside my characters heads, I think. Understanding their motivations and writing them as real and flawed and human as I can.

How do you feel about your own writing?

Honestly, I love it haha! Sometimes I might cry for three days believing that I'm absolute garbage, but that's just life innit. Mostly, I write because it's one of the greatest sources of joy in my life and it just makes me happy.

Np tags: @galaxiasgreen @lyworth @gingerlegacy07 @sloanesallow @thesuperiorfeeling

[lady-morrigen]

Why do they keep infantilizing Helaena because she is autistic coded and also the magical element of being a dreamer? It's like she's stupid and has no agency because of the mystical and autism stuff. Helaena is a dreamer etc in the book but she knows what's going on and is not this helpless female who is not present mentally. I can't phrase this correctly but like that's how I feel. It's like it's bad and less to be different and people have to be gentle and patient and infantalize her. In the book b and c Helaena offered up her life etc she fought back in her way. Phia did a great job with the shit scenes they gave her but it's a huge insult to Helaena to think she refers to her children as the boy or offering a necklace. Book Helaena knew people were going to die in that room that night and she tried to prevent it with her own life as she is queen and high value, not a fucking necklace as if they would care about that. She did it to make the b and c pause because it would be the equivalent but it came back to a son for a son and she was forced to make terrible decisions that she tried to think strategically. Also Alicent was there and their staff were killed including a guard I think. Suddenly there's no guards in the TV version when tensions of assassination are at an all time high especially around Aegon's heirs. They're all gone or fucking Alicent all of a sudden. Also Aegon suddenly showing interest in his kids... Unless it's because he's king he sees the kids in a new light as his responsibility and heirs. That was badly handled. Helaena is intelligent and has agency etc but Condal totally dumbed her down

i let this sit for a bit, because i wasn't sure that i was the person to give an opinion on it. i am not really a Helaena-focused blogger and i, admittedly, haven't read the book. but i do agree.

as someone who only knows her from what Condal has shown us, i do tend to feel that sense of "must protect the sweet baby" because that's how she's portrayed. like you said, phia has done a phenomenal job with the material she was given.

as a show-only viewer (for now), i have to say that i was still very tense during b&c, and i did cry a lot after the episode was over. (i still blame @vampire-exgirlfriend for this because she made me feel endeared to Jaehaerys more than the show could have.)

in terms of Aegon, i think it's beautiful to see him show interest in his children. his father was a shitty king and an even shittier father who never showed more than a surface-level interest in his children, especially Aegon. i don't blame him for wanting to be better and do better for his children than his parents did for him. please remember, he was forced to marry his own sister and have children with her. he's already set up to fail.

anyway, i feel like i've lost the plot here... one thing i want to point out is that referring to Helaena as "dumb" is a bit of a stretch and lowkey pretty offensive, ngl. i can see both sides of the argument in terms of how she responded to being held at knife point. however, disassociation is a thing and a lot of neurodivergent people revert to similar behavior in moments of high stress.

tldr; the way b&c was handled by Condal et al. has been insanely polarizing and, as someone willfully ignorant of how it's handled in the text, i am not sure i can offer much insight. all in all, i enjoyed the episode and wasn't watching it to find little details to nit pick until i hated it. idk.

[hymnserendipity]

Tomioka unfaithfull night

Angst, mention of sex, no gender mentioned

The relationship with Tomioka has never been easy, that's for sure. Not because you weren't good together but because of him being a hashira, he was often away risking his life and you were at home in terror while working as a nurse. It could happen at any moment that his crow would come back to give you bad news but it had never happened. But lately he had often lingered at the hashira meetings, and sometimes you went to bring him a bento and saw him talking to another nurse for the hashira, you weren't insecure but seeing your man chatting like that with another person made you jealous and feel insecure, yet he had always reassured you. Last weekend, however, he sent his crow to tell you that he would stay for two days to sleep at the headquarters and in your heart you were terrified that that other person was also there. On Monday he returned to your house, he didn't even give you time to greet him with a kiss that said:

"We need to talk." Giyuu's voice emotionless, he doesn't look at you and his gaze is on the ground, the atmosphere in the room became cold and tense.

It wasn't his way of speaking, of expressing himself, of moving. It was... different, as if something irreparable had happened.

"There's no easy way to say this..." Giyuu's voice dropped to almost a whisper. "I cheated on you."

You felt your heart give way under the thousand pieces that had just broken.

"W-what" "I know, it's a terrible thing to do, it's a shitty thing..." Giyuu seems genuinely sorry, his voice filled with guilt. He still didn't look at you, his eyes still on the ground. "The person I slept with was..." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "It was Hinata."

You couldn't believe it. The nurse you didn't have to worry about, the person who had managed to break into his heart softened by you, you felt anger, pain, you didn't even know what. The only way to not start screaming and crying was to derealize yourself and no longer feel any emotions, it was the only way to protect yourself.

"Say something..." Tomioka finally looked up, his gaze boring into yours, his expression twisted with guilt. You could see the tears beginning to shine at the corners of his eyes. But you couldn't care less.

You take a step back, horrified by him.

"No no, no, please don't go." Tomioka finally moved from against the counter he was leaning on and walked up behind you, grabbing you by the elbow and turning you around to face him. "Please listen to me, I can explain."

"How. How did you cheated on me? I want a full description." Tomioka sighed, his grip on your elbow tightening slightly. "It was at the Hashira reunion we had a this weekend.... I ended up too near them, Hinata was also a bit chatty, it just happened before we knew what we were doing.... it was only one time, I swear." "Explain." I-..." Tomioka's face scrunched up as he closed his eyes, the image of the night burned into his mind. "At the reunion, I was drinking like the rest, and wasn't really processing my thoughts when I went to talk to Hinata. As we were talking, I'd said some things I'd been meaning to say, things about the past and..." "...my feelings towards them." Tomioka took a shuddering breath, his hand shaking as he continued to talk. "They...responded and before I knew it...we were kissing, my memory of the next few hours was kinda blurry, but I remember it." "And after the kiss?" You wanted to know in detail so you could remember it every time you thought about forgiving him.

"We... we went to their room together and... I'm sure I don't have to explain the rest to you." Tomioka's body shook as he said that, he felt like something was weighing down his chest, he felt weak and guilty, tears streamed down his face but he resisted the urge to reach up and wipe them away. You were feeling numb, rage was all you could feel. "No, you have. Say it." Tomioka took a ragged breath, his body shook with it but he gave into your request. "We...we slept together... it happened one time and once we finish I left, after that I never spoke about or even mentioned the event..."

"How... Positions, time, i want to know everything" "I-..." Tomioka took another deep breath before he continued. "You really want to know...?" "Yes" He took a moment, it seemed like he was having an internal debate in his head, contemplating whether he should really tell you all the details you desired. "...It was...missionary...we did it once...it lasted a couple of hours..." You sigh.

"I hate you." You mumbled. Now you have all the informations to hate him and make sure you will never ever forgive him. Tomioka froze at those words, he stood in silence and he could hear his blood pumping in his head, it felt like something was constricting his heart. "...I know." His voice was quiet, a soft broken whisper. Tomioka's hands trembled as one of them reached up to rub the tears from his face. "I deserve those words, I know." "You said not to worry..." You were about to spit on his face. Tomioka felt weak from your words, each word was like a dagger that stabbed into his already weak heart. But he knew that you had a right to say those things, he knew better than to try and defend himself so he went silent, he could feel tears threatening to slip out of his eyes again, he swallowed the lump that formed in his throat and took a step forward but froze in hesitation. "I'm taking my stuff. I don't want to see you again" "Wait-" He reached out, grabbing your arm but quickly let go, he felt like he didn't have the right to touch you after what he did. "Please, let me explain more... just.. don't... don't throw our relationship away because of my mistake." That made you laugh. "No, you throwed our relationship away, Giyuu. It was you." He trembled, his face scrunched up as he tried to hold back the tears forming in his eyes. But he failed and they streamed down his face, his body heaved, and his voice was quiet and broken. You never saw him crying, but it was too late. "I know... I know that I threw this all away... please, at least let me explain everything." "After the kiss you could have stopped. But you did It in the most romantic position and for two whole hours, im disgusted by you." Tomioka felt the tears stream down his face again, the memory of the night burned into his mind. He desperately wanted to close his eyes and block the memory out, but he couldn't, he deserved to remember what he did. He took another shaky breath, he didn't even bother to try and wipe the tears away this time. "I know... I should have stopped...I wish I stopped...please let me explain more..."

"No. I'm going away." You say while packing some of your stuff, getting ready to leave that estate. He wanted to say more, he wanted to beg for one more chance, he wanted to beg you to stay with him. But he didn't, deep down he knew that he didn't deserve this plea, not after what he did.

"Okay..." He whispered, his throat felt dry and constricted, a lump in his throat preventing him from speaking in a normal tone. "I'll leave..." He say cause he thought he could at least give you a bit of privacy."Go to your slut and don't come back." He felt a sharp pang of pain in his heart at your words, his body trembled again as a wave of guilt and shame washed over him. He clenched his fists at his sides, wanting to shout back at you and try to defend himself. But he knew better than that...he deserved this.

"Okay...I will..." Tomioka muttered as he turned to leave the estate, tears streaming down his face. Hestepped out of the estate building, shutting the door behind him. His body trembled as he started walking down the street. He tried to hold back the tears that continued to stream down his face, but it was useless... he didn't bother wiping them away.

"Stupid...I'm so stupid..." Tomioka muttered to himself, the guilt weighing down on his shoulders. He felt like he was drowning in it.

[madelinetess]

So what if he got a little aggressive on the pitch today? Richard played the same way he lived, passionately. And as Zava said before the match, passion can mean both love and crime. Also fruit… and the Christian meaning… The word is actually pretty versatile… But it mostly means the first two things…

Today though, the passion meant that the quiet rage he felt ever since the team discovered that the BELIEVE sign was torn finally found its outlet.

He knew who was to blame and he saw red. Both figuratively and literally... He smiled to himself when he remembered the sound the ball made on contact with the Westham player when he slammed it into him. The red card was absolutely worth it.

He didn't really remember much of what happened afterwards. He knew that Isaac carried him off the field, but everything after that was a blur.

Coach Lasso's locker room talk was short and yet Richard still did not retain a word of it. The bus ride back home was spent sitting in silence, focusing extra hard on not exploding and ruining the already shitty mood of the rest of the team.

One thing however did manage to get him out of his spiral. A pair of blue eyes studying him carefully. Scanning every inch of his tensed up body. Jan Maas, sitting right next to him, was staring at him intently which was throwing Richard off. The French player glared back at his friend.

"There are already clips of you throwing that ball at the Westham Player on the internet" the Dutchman said, his accent seeping into the sentence. "On one hand it was incredibly satisfying and..." he paused and cleared his throat "and entertaining to watch, but he did not deserve it."

"What do you mean!?" A few people turned in their seats to look at them.

"He was not the one that ripped the sign. That was Nate. We should have won this match to show him who he messed with"

"Oi, Jan Maas" Jamie butted in "weren't cha also pissed?"

"I'm not saying I wasn't, this time I indeed played badly. The thing is, we hurt ourselves more than we harmed them." At this point almost everyone was listening in on the conversation.

"I'd say the poor fella that Dickie over here knocked down got plenty harmed" This time it was Colin that decided to comment and more than a few people nodded their heads clearly sharing the sentiment.

"Someone even made an edit of the moment! It's trending now!" Dani exclaimed with that radiant smile of his, and soon after a notification went off on everyone's phone as a link to the aforementioned clip found its way into the groupchat. 

And just like that a little bit of life returned to the not so long ago gloomy footballers, the bus got livelier and the conversations seemed to at least slightly brighten everybody's mood.

The Frenchman however could not force himself to join any of them. He just sat there unmoving, looking out the window, not focusing on anything in particular. 

Once back at their home stadium the whole team got out of the bus, and people all went their separate ways. Richard sat down inside his car and exhaled deeply while leaning his forehead on the steering wheel. 

The silence bothered him, so he turned on the radio, but as soon as the Adele CD Jan had gifted him for Christmas started playing, he immediately turned it off. Rolling in the Deep was not the song for now… However much he loved her, today was not the day… They could have had it all, but he messed it up. And they lost. 

Richard took out his phone to check the time, but was instead greeted by a text notification.

I'm coming over. Bring up some wine.

Why would Jan be coming over today, was he not tired? Was he not frustrated? All that Richard wanted to do now was to sleep off the loss, and maybe the wine part didn't sound so bad right now...

He somehow managed to get himself back home just in time to take a quick shower, throw on something comfy and make the trip to his cellar to pick something for them to drink.

While entering his kitchen he was greeted by Jan, rummaging through the cupboards to find the right wine glasses. It wasn't exactly a surprise, as they both owned the keys to each other's places since the last off-season and met up quite often, however Richard has just recently reorganised his kitchen, so the Dutchman was struggling to find the right glassware.

"In the middle one, the ones behind your usual mug."

"These?"

The man holding the bottle only nodded.

"Where to? The living room?"

"No offence to your really nice couch, but this is a bed-comfort level of conversation."

This was also nothing new. They had conversations where a park bench was sufficient, but they also had the privacy of a living room and comfort of a sofa types of talks. This one? This one apparently required the highest level of comfort that only a bed with an excessive amount of throw pillows could provide.

They both made their way upstairs and once in the bedroom, Richard set up the table for their glasses, while Jan threw an additional blanket on the bed. Once done with their respective tasks they both turned to look at each other.

"So..?"

"You are still angry" Jan said simply stating the obvious. Richard stood next to him quietly sipping on the wine. "I envy your passion," the Dutchman paused for a moment there, smiling softly to himself "but I also know that now you have nothing to target it at, and you will just let it get to your head. So I’m here so that you are not alone with your thoughts.”

“I’m not angry”

“Of course, and Jamie Tartt is not a prick”

Richard rolled his eyes at Jan and exhaled annoyedly, but put his glass down at the table he set up, and sat down on the bed motioning for his friend to join him. The Dutchman followed.

“I am not angry, I’m disappointed. In myself." The other footballer clearly wanted to interject, but the Frenchman continued before that could happen. “I should have played better. Just like you said, we should have proved them all wrong, and instead we threw the game. I am so mad that even Adele didn’t help…”

“Adele?”

Richard leaned back to rest his head against the wall behind them.

“Yes, I have the CD you got me for Christmas in my car. A song played and the words made me feel even worse, so I turned it off and you know I never turn off Adele”

Another shaky exhale on his part was followed by Jan’s hand making its way into Richard’s hair and combing through them. The shorter man, though surprised at first, leaned into the touch.

“I know how much that sign meant to me, and how angry I got seeing Nate tearing it, so I can’t imagine how you felt. I know how sentimental you are.”

The Dutchman’s fingers kept on getting tangled in the other’s hair, running soothing circles on his scalp while Richard listened to him.

“When you were telling me the story about the ghosts from the treatment room you mentioned the sand in the bottle, according to your retelling everyone else brought some object, be it a photo or a pair of shoes, but you brought sand…” Richard nodded slightly and leaned into his friend that was now sitting right next to him with his back also against the wall. “And for my first Christmas here I remember you bringing things that were your family tradition to the Higgins’ Christmas Party… Don’t even get me started on your photo album organisation system…”

At that they both exchanged a chuckle. It was true that Richard liked keeping all his photos meticulously organised in countless albums. Every team outing or a trip somewhere had a separate photo album complete with dates… 

Jan looked at him and smiled warmly before continuing.

“You love with passion and without remembrance… You feel so much… even for the tiniest things… Sometimes I wish I was the sand…”

Realising what he’d said, Jan stopped everything he was doing, and Richard, who was mostly asleep at that moment shot up and looked straight at his… friend? 

Time stood still and Jan sat there, hand still in Richard’s hair, terrified, waiting. The way he felt for so long, out in the open. And then the Frenchman spoke.

“Don’t.” Jan was ready to make his escape, but got cornered by the shorter man who threw his leg over his and was now sitting on his lap caging him between his body and the wall. “Don’t wish for that. I’d much rather have you as a person, than as some grains”

“Do you mean it?” Jan’s blue eyes stared firmly into Richard’s green ones.

“I didn’t drink nearly enough to start speaking nonsense. Of course I mean it.” He was looking at his lips. Then he was no longer looking at them, because they were covered with his own, hidden from everyone else in the world.

Jan’s hands stayed in Richard’s hair, but Richard’s roamed all over his neck, their kiss slowly but surely gaining momentum. There was no trace of the anger or disappointment that marked this day ever since the recording was presented to the team after the first half. The passion however, the passion that has always been there, somewhere under the surface, was now out in the late evening sun, and it was there to stay.

~~~

The ao3 link is here

[okthatsgreat]

if the v3 characters who are still at the dr facility in opddmh had gotten out, which thh/dr2 character/s would you have them staying with and why?

OUGHGHHUUU THIS QUESTION IS GOODDDDD let me think let me think…………. let me think about how i’d add them into the story if i were to switch some things around

- i can’t imagine i’d ever send korekiyo out because i truly think he would just get unbelievably worse regardless of who he gets put with HABDJSB. listen all of them seriously need help but korekiyo especially needs a lot of extra treatment and care considering the state he’s in, and opddmh would put him in a situation where nobody can PROVIDE that help. mikan is the closest thing he’s got but even she is very limited in what she can offer, and also that would require he room with six other people, four of which are girls and one of which is a girl he killed lol. if i HAD to i would probably throw him with toko, which means komaru would also be there very often!! i think a lot of tokos pov would focus on that relationship with komaru and also her struggles with mental illness that danganronpa is actively encouraging. korekiyo is there in the background as this pathetic wet looking cat thing that provides a mirror for toko and lets her see how shitty she’s been treated or something . but i really don’t think korekiyo gets better bebfjsfn sorry dude

- i think i’d put tenko with mondo? i’m really thinking hard about this one but i think mondo yea. she locks herself in one of his rooms and barely comes out unless mondo invites over other girls from his season to help. chihiro comes over OFTEN (which is hella awkward for mondo. btw) during those first few days because while tenko can clearly tell that her only chance at escaping danganronpa is by accepting help from mondo he’s still a guy and she reallyyyyy doesn’t trust him. i think mondos pov would deal with his anger issues/perception of strength (i’d probably have him be a bit more bitey with his classmates?? this is a guy who has a LOT to be angry over but is unable to express his anger at the company that is causing him to feel this way so he points it elsewhere, this probably mostly effects his relationship to taka), he and tenko would SERIOUSLY butt heads. mondo probably gets flipped over on his back in his own home lmao. especially after the whole “i killed chihiro” thing comes to light and tenko intervenes in an argument about it or something. eventually tenko reveals that she can’t truly remember the last time she felt safe and overcompensates by being “strong”, mondo relates a little tooooooo hard, they both understand each other a bit more. HOWEVER. i would throw her with akane if there weren’t already four people in that house lmao.

- gonta either goes with tenko here or gundham i think!!! if he went with tenko he would provide a bit of levity there and actually talk to mondo, really trying to make a good impression and SERIOUSLY pushing to be a gentleman because he is now compensating for both him AND tenko and he doesn’t want them getting kicked out. makes friends with chihiro whenever she comes over but gets unusually uncomfortable when the “mondo killed chihiro” conversation happens because he has been grappling with the guilt of killing miu this entire time and is truly horrified he was ever capable of doing something like that. chihiro’s programming prowess definitely reminds him of miu and he just starts getting really fidgety around her all of the sudden lmao. if i were to throw him with gundham id have them draw parallels between gundham sacrificing himself for his class versus gonta nearly sacrificing his class, and that skewed idea of “the greater good”!!!! gonta isn’t scared of all of the animals that gundham has in his house either LMAO

- i think i’d have kaede and himiko together and i’d put them with SAYAKA AND AOI? the two of them were on a tense girls trip when all of the sudden BAM TWO VERY IMPORTANT SEASON 53 ESCAPEES. kaede works herself to the bone with guilt and helps sayaka with all of the work she has to take on as somebody who is very good at being a danganronpa saleswoman. himiko, who is severely depressed and chronically fatigued, is pushed into a room with a bunch of overachievers. she WANTS to help but she truly can’t muster the energy, and because she didn’t die in the simulator she thinks she can’t make excuses and just has a “lazy personality”. sayaka gets to deal with a musician that mirrors her ruthless dedication that is very slowly killing her. aoi has to confront her own survivors guilt (id probably be drawing tenko/sakura comparisons here) and finally admit that Wowwww the way she has had to drop everything for danganronpa and never blame them for anything sucks really bad even if i’m not one of the “important survivors”. kaede and himiko both keep influencing the other to work harder (kaede to make up for himiko, himiko because she feels pressured to keep up) and it’s DIRE!!!!

- i think id put kaito with nekomaru ??? i’ve got a story i think. kaito is really good at matching nekomarus energy and seems like he’s genuinely doing pretty alright for a kid that just DIED. he follows all of nekomarus training and does wayyy more than is necessary, and is super keen on finding the rest of his class. while all of this is happening i reckon nekomaru is both a) dealing with akane and his own feelings of failure and b) still got health stuff going on (OR. he THINKS he does and danganronpa is handing him placebos or smth) and NEEDS to keep danganronpa happy because they are literally providing him medication. nekomaru starts deteriorating with stress but kaito just seems to be taking on a lot of that work for him, which gives nekomaru a good mirror of what he does for others and allows him to finally go up to kaito and be like “hey man. this isn’t healthy actually” to which kaito goes “FUCK😍” and starts crying

- shuichiiiiiii shuichi i just don’t know bro…… i really can’t think of a storyline with him that doesn’t mirror what he already went through in game, especially regarding self esteem!!! yknow what maybe i just say fuck it and make up a whole new scenario for this guy. kyoko pov, shuichi DIDNT escape but is being tasked with helping kyoko find where the missing participants are. it’s a byakuya pov situation where kyoko gets a chapter for every new cycle. it becomes a game of her attempting to outsmart another detective, revealing enough information that it isn’t sketchy to danganronpa but not too much that shuichi figures it out. shuichi gets to talk about his classmates and his relationships with them, and slowly throughout the pov he is getting really distressed by how rapidly season 54 is approaching without having found anybody. this will also provide some context as to how the kids still in the hospital are doing!! at the end of it all it gets revealed shuichi knew what was up WAY long ago but just hadn’t been telling, and there’s a big moment where he COULD reveal and save his own ass but he chooses not to so that his classmates could go free or smth. huge moment to see this because kyoko and a lot of the earlier seasons have been beaten into submission so badly that most of them would have taken that deal and ratted the others out

- unsure about maki tbh…… she would be introduced super late into the story i think. i’ll be real with you i think she breaks into somebody’s home repeatedly and keeps stealing things LMAO, eventually gets caught only for the person to go No no it’s fine!!! Take my food and also this coat because god it is cold out there and you must be freezing. honestly i can see sonia taking her in. a lotttt of parallels to be drawn there regarding their love interests being written for them and how they’ve both been sensationalized as “female love interests who lost their loves in a sacrificial manner”. maki disappears into sonia’s house most days but occasionally she reappears to ask her questions (about danganronpa mainly) and they get to talking that way. i’d write it so that maki would hide in rooms that eventually get closer and closer to sonia’s room until eventually she’s sleeping against sonias door because she’s paranoid for both of them and thinks it would be safer if she was there

- tsumugi is a danganronpa employee so she’s allowed to walk around whenever 😔😔 lmao

[hiraethhh-h]

puppy love

summary: after catching feelings for a certain fury, zagreus offers some advice to get you back on your feet.

pairings: megara “meg” x gn! reader, (platonic) zagreus x gn! reader, mentions of thanzag.

warnings: light spoilers

notes: in lieu of Hades II being announced, here we are! also bc i am a whore for greek mythology (thanks pjo/hoo <3 /lh)

word count: 1.2k

you were always unsure how you landed yourself in such shitty situations.

for one, as a minor god, you somehow got yourself a position in the underworld. did you read the fine print in the contract you signed in olympus? absolutely-fucking-not. the trip to the river styx was less than pleasant, but you did leave a good review for charon. despite him speaking in decipherable groans, he made for good company and talk.

small dents began to appear in the rod of the broom you held, your sweeping motions coming to a halt. the shiny granite floors perfectly reflected your frowning face back at you. not wanting to get scolded for lagging behind in your chores, you took a few steps forward before gently brushing at the floor.

“is… everything alright?”

you jolted violently, whipping around with wide eyes. zagreus stood before you, his hands raised. “sorry- didn’t mean to scare you.” he quickly uttered. “you just looked… tense, is all.” his mismatched eyes slowly drifted to the broom, where cracks had formed from your iron grip. you blinked, slowly setting the broom against the wall with a sheepish look. “just… having a bit of a mid-life crisis? well, a godly one.” you sighed, shaking your head.

the prince raised a brow, “i don’t mean to pry, but i wouldn’t mind listening.” your brows perked up in surprise, a small smile forming on your lips. “thank you zagreus. do you mind also covering for me? i really don’t feel like getting told off today…” zagreus nodded in agreement, “of course. perhaps my room would be best for privacy?” you followed after the male with no further questions, trying to decipher where it would be best to start. 

the two of you sat atop zagreus’ bed, the mattress bouncing ever so slightly to accommodate for the new weight. the silence didn’t feel as unnerving as before, thanks to the prince of hell’s presence. you were glad you had found a confidant and amazing friend in him.

“well… to start, i guess i…” you paused, inhaling then exhaling to organize your thoughts. “i have feelings for meg, romantically.” zagreus blinked in surprise, looking down at you. “i don’t know what to do next, zag. she’s practically unreachable. any time i see her, i want to approach her but i’m just so…” “nervous?” zagreus finished for you. “yes, nervous. that.” you fell back onto the bed with a grunt, staring up at the ceiling in disdain. the bed shifted as zagreus laid beside you, his head propped up by his hand. 

“if you don’t mind me asking, zag, how did you approach than?” a nervous chuckle left the male, the flame-colored wreath atop his head shifting ever so slightly as he moved to look at the headboard. “i don’t mean to sound… generic, but all i really did was be myself.” he began. “aside from the fact that we’re childhood friends, all i really did was figure out what he liked, what he didn’t like. then, i just went from there.” at his words, you went silent. 

if you started from there, perhaps you would have a chance to find out more on meg. you looked to zagerus with a faint smile, “thank you, zag. and don’t worry about sounding too generic, you… you’ve helped more than you know.” you nodded firmly, watching a smile grow on zagreus’ face. “you’re welcome, i’m glad i could be of assistance… but really, that quick?” he questioned, a brow raised as he moved to sit up once you did.

“yeah, i want to find meg, see if… i can muster up the courage to talk to her.” zagreus placed a hand on your shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. “that’s a great start, but remember not to get ahead of yourself. things like this take time and patience.” he warned. “right. time and patience.” you huffed, standing to head out of his room. the prince trailed after you, the two of you heading into the dining hall. unfortunately, nyx was nowhere to be seen, so you couldn’t greet the primordial goddess on the way.

a few shades lingered about the mess hall, some seated at tables and chattering amongst each other on how they died and the works. not too far, deusa was humming to herself as she gently dusted at a ledge. “deusa,” zagreus called from behind you, the gorgon jumping with a chirp-like hiss as she turned around. “p-prince zagreus!” she squeaked, also calling your name shortly after. “done with your chores already? maybe i should learn a thing or two from you…” the snake huffed in defeat, her eyes flitting over to zagreus. “oh- i also washed your sheets with the detergent you like! i-um… hope you enjoy it, prince zagreus.” she rambled. shortly after, the gorgon floated upwards, disappearing to carry on with her duties around the house of hades. “yes, thank you deusa. i’ll… be seeing you then.” the two of you moved on, the prince gently nudging you at the sight of a specific fury nursing a drink.

she stood alone, her whip holstered. on her face she wore a small scowl. “ah, must not be in the best of moods because of earlier…” zagreus winced, looking to you with worry written on his face. you shook your head, “nothing i can’t handle zag, besides, there’s a warrant on your head, not mine.” you jested lightly, earning a soft chuckle from the male. “true that. well, it’s best you go alone then. i’ll watch from afar.”

your heart hammered in your chest as you looked to meg, the fury sensing your stare shortly after. with narrowed eyes, she locked onto zagreus. you watched her face twist into a sneer, “tch.” she scoffed, setting her cup down. eventually, she looked to you. you could only hope she couldn’t hear your racing heart. “zagreus and the new godling. to what do i owe the displeasure?” 

you and zagreus shared a look, the prince giving a small nod. “zageus was… just on his way, and i wanted to check in on you.” you told the fury, stepping forward to stand before her. meg raised a brow, “to… check in on me?” she repeated slowly, a hint of confusion laced in her voice. behind you, zagreus departs with a few pats on your back and he mouths a ‘good luck’ to you.

“yeah- er, yes. you looked like you were in a bad mood so…” you trailed off, sheepishly rubbing the back of your neck. your gaze slowly drifted to the ground. meg eyed you up and down for a moment, a long sigh leaving the woman as she turned to take another sip from her drink. “i’m… fine. zagreus just- eugh, the nerve of that prince irks me.” she seethed, shaking her head. you chuckled softly, waving to the shade behind the counter for a drink of your own.

“that sounds like a light way of putting it.” you murmured, thanking the shade-chef with a nod. the sweet taste of nectar soothed you, meg watching as you drank the gold-colored liquid. “well, i’m all ears for whatever you’d like to talk about.” you told her now, looking at the fury with a kind smile. she blinked a few times before nodding, “thanks…” meg murmured. she stared at her drink for a moment before glancing back over to you.

perhaps you wouldn’t be as bad as she thought you would be.

[perplexingluciddreams]

General ramble update:

ME/CFS crash is the most shittest shitty thing ever to exist. and makes sensory so bad with the sweating and sweating and the temperature dysregulation and the pain and the flushing hot hot face ears neck chest bad angry bad.

and then can't properly regulate sensory OR emotional because swing is make sore and more tired and more flush face ears neck chest.

and in a weird weather point where my usual hoodie makes too warm and sweaty (Worst Bad Sensory Ever), but arms is cold with only t-shirt no hoodie...

AND can't do physio walking because of crash. i thought it got better for a day or two, then did too much (mostly swing), now it is worse than the first part of the crash.

fucking hate ME/CFS it is the cruelest most horrible disease and i so so fucking wish i didn't have it

Also, AFOs still give problems (so can't even wear at this point). we try to contact orthotics people, but honestly i don't know if they can do much different at this point. i don't know if they could edit the ones i have to be wear-able, and if they can't then i really don't want to go through the process of getting another pair made, just for it to not work (and have to struggle with disappointment All Over Again).

i know i said before positive things about these AFOs, but that is my usual mess up of following scripts (copy/borrow words from others) before i even know my own feelings. i mix up anxiety and apprehension and not-sure-yet feelings with excited, because they are all "high" feelings. like buzzy and tense and energy. similar body feeling, maybe? then it is only a while later when i actually process my own body feelings, both for emotions (like anxious and disappointed) and physical sensations (like the pressure-pain from AFOs). it is only then i can say accurate things about the subject. this applies to any subject for me.

and Mum and Dad ordered a recliner chair for me, to put my Recliner Support System (from Special Tomato) on. when the chair comes they will set it all up, then at some point i will try it. but i will learn from my mistakes with speaking too soon on AFOs, and wait a while until i process, then update on that.

i think i am getting very very gradually slower. definitely having more semi-stuck moments where i can still move my body but can't transition task - or can't even know what i am supposed to do next. it is taking me longer and longer each toilet trip, i get stuck sitting on the toilet and between each step. it is affecting all my movements, but i try not to compare the walking part too much since there is other factors in that.

i want to write much more about regression and (highly suspected) catatonia stuff. i have a lot to say.

more mood stuff like getting easily "worked up" and aggression, and more getting close to meltdown easily, more hit self without control when i get only a tiny bit upset. but that is also part of ME/CFS crash for me, so i will not judge that until i have longer time to compare it.

also mentally everything is just hard. (which is also partial explanation for the quick aggression and mood shit). i "clock out" or "shut off" most of the time, because i simply don't have the time, ability, energy, to even think about everything that is happening/has happened to me. whether due to health shit, past trauma, regression/decline... it is all too much. brain loud. and loud = takes more energy. so, i can't.

this post seems overall quite negative, i think. but that is just my mental place recently. it is not always quite this bad internally for me. but when it is bad, i can't pull myself out of it, i don't have that ability, i can't regulate like that. only suppress and ignore and avoid, in hopes of avoiding meltdowns. my only hope is swing swing swing, music, watch things, and shut off clock out brain. don't let myself think or feel or remember the reality. just live in the safe parts of my brain's inside world.

hopefully i will have more positive feeling soon, and maybe happier things to share. although it is important for me to share the shit stuff too, it gets out of my brain a bit this way, relieve some pressure. i just wish i could get more out (of past things and memories, mostly. that is what makes the most noise in my head).

at least i have sensory galaxy light projector, Downton Abbey, sudoku, and safe music playlist (called "fills brain just right"). 💚

[bunny-hoodlum]

☆ Share 3 fun facts about you, then pass this to three of your mutuals! ☆

Wow, I've been tagged four times! @alexis513, @littlemonstert-blog, @mrs-messy and @mysummerchoi, thanks for tagging me. :3

@mysummerchoi, I feel the exact same way. 😭 Plus, I'm not used to supplying info about myself when asked, haha. That stuff always evaporates from my head. ( . _ . )

I might have maybe almost died when I was three or four? Just kidding, but my mom thinks so. It was a day at a Californian beach, I was buried up to my neck in the sand for a picture and I guess they buried me too close to the water, so when a wave washed over me, they completely lost me in the sand, like either I sunk in deeper or sand washed over my head. My uncle just scooped me out like shwoop! lol. Without a picture, I won't know if it was a bad as they thought it was.

I can be clumsy and hurt myself and for whatever reason I never get scared or feel pain with this happens. Sometimes it feels predictable or like it's happening in slo-mo and I just go 'damn' before it happens. Like, at my old job working warehouse, I tripped on my ankle I think? And I just neatly fell forward like a feather, like I just knew not to resist or I'd hurt myself more. Try to imagine a lego man but with bendable knees. Now picture how you would use that lego man in a stop-motion film. It was like that. And it was so weird too that I thought it was funny. Sometimes when I derp and hurt myself it is actually pretty damn funny, but if it happens too often I get severely frustrated and devolve into a 5-year-old. Another time we got rear-ended twice near the offramp to Santa Barbara, and before the second impact, I just relaxed expecting it -- cuz you know, shitty drunk drivers survive because they literally can't tense up or do something worse like move to look behind them (you will hurt your neck doing that) -- But… But..! Try to get my attention when I can't see you, I freak the fuck out. This was probably more than one thing, but I think it's all related to each other lol.

Maybe this is too personal, but I always find psychology and whatnot very interesting, so from that perspective I'll share this bit of dumbassery: My attachment style has improved but is still pretty damn fucky. I just recently remembered how I had a crush on this boy in middle school (our middle school had 3 separate schools attached, so only time you could mingle with students from another jr high was after school clubs and we met in art club and bonded over FLCL), and I didn't know I liked him until the following year, but then I couldn't do anything about it because he was already dating someone else, a witty Korean-American girl (and I also had a complex about not being Asian enough). Time skip three years and he's finally a freshman, so I get to see him again. (We were same age but he had to start school late). I ask if he's still with her (because I still got some feels leftover) and he said she moved to Canada and had a girlfriend. And fuck if I know why cuz... I don't. My initial reaction wasn't 'Oh goody, I get to try again!'. No. I thought 'She's bi?! Why didn't she have a crush on me?!', like in that split second I wanted to be HER girlfriend instead of this other person. How dare this totally cooler than me girl that grabbed my crush find her own super cool girl to be with, like, first I'm not good enough for him, now I'm not good enough for her, I can't even begin to imagine how cool her Canadian GF must be, blah blah blah, she must be unsurpassably cool because she was chosen by someone also unfathomably cool and that's just how that shit works, blah blah blah-- sigh. The silent screams of my pathological need to be important, everyone. And that is why I will no longer do vent posts, because I feel super ashamed whenever I get validated for my bullshit. ; u ;

Haaa, alright, pick three mutuals. Hm. Feels like everyone got tagged tbh... @peppercornpress @char-lotteral aaaand @spaciousignatius 💖

[bwoahtastic]

Pack Alpha Nico, obviously she and Lewis have a complicated relationship. For the pack they are on alright terms but never as good as they used to be but they can stand being in the presence of one another as long as nobody brings things up about their relationship. Yes they sleep together and everything but still it’s never going to be the same as it once was.

2021. Max and Lewis are going to the championship and it’s closer then it has been in years. Max getting hurt in a crash and starts shutting Lewis out once again like in 2016. This obviously hurts Lewis because he has to stay away from the pack but he understands because Max is his baby and him and Max can’t be in the same place without some kind of argument occurring. Even when Lewis got hurt Nico didn’t come to the hospital too busy taking care of Max who was upset about dropping points and potentially hurting Lewis. Lewis is upset but older so plays it off.

The season finale Max wins and Nico and the rest of the pack are obviously congratulating him and Lewis did too but as Nico is doing it Lewis is just stood in the corner watching before going to his own room. A week or so passes and the pack is still together congratulating Max and giving him his reward and Lewis is alone. He thought maybe Nico and the rest of the pack (mainly Nico) would commiserate him for his loss like Nico ALWAYS does to second place but nothing happens. (Also Nico never congratulating Lewis like she did Max for obvious reasons but nonetheless hurts Lewis).

Nico notices that Lewis hasn’t properly congratulated Max and has a go at Lewis for being such a sore loser. As Nico is screaming she can see the shift in Lewis’ face and knows that she should stop but doesn’t. In the end Lewis bites back by saying ‘not once have you checked on me. Commiserated me for losing out like you do with everyone else. Not once have you asked how I’m feeling about losing out on the championship the way I did. Don’t get me wrong I am happy for Max but for fucks sake Nico I’m hurting. I know you don’t like me as much as the others but you’re still my pack alpha and I’m still hurting yet once again I’ve been tossed to the side’

Only then Nico realises how much they’ve been neglecting Lewis because of the stupid pride she has.

Oh plls!

Lewis and Nico will get along for the pack but things are tense and awkward st times. They don't trust each other as much as they used to. They still fuck occassionally cos Lewis is just as much pack as the others are to Nico, but it's a bit painful cos they both remember how things used to be...

The fight being so tense and Nico picks sides which she has never done before. Lewis feels so deserted and alone and yes, he has made mistakes or wrong calls, hut max has too! And Max gets dotted on whilr Lewis gets ignored and it hurts...

Max tries to approach Lewis sometimes but it's awkward and tense and just too soon. They need Nico to help, for her to mediate but she is too deep into it herself. She has complicated feelings about Max and her history with Lewis is complicated too ....

Max winning the championship and Lewis further distances himself to let them party. He waits for Nico to come yo him, to soothe him and give him some of her time and comfort as she always does with the 2nd place finishers but Lewis doesn't get it, Nico is too busy gushing over Max!

Nico herself struggling a lot because she doesn't know how to comfort lesis after all this, feels really shitty about everything but instead of facing it, she pulls away more. She hoped the off season would bring her pack back together but Lewis is barely there and wohg speak much and doesn't congratulate Max.

Nico is frustrated and on edge, probably partially because she feels her pack's feelings so strongly and it's chaos! She yells at Lewis even though she knows it's wrong...

Lewis snarling back and telling Nico maybe she should have tried to talk to him, to comfort him, but all she does is fuss over Max like he is made of pure gold!

Nico feeling like such a failure... pls she doesn't feel right taking care of her pack after and maybr even thinks its finally time for her to give up and find the pack a new pack Alpha...

Pls it's so tense and the pack is threatening to fall apart! Maybe that's when Mark comes back? (We said Nico would be all soft and purry around him cos he was her pack alpha and mentor) and he kindly tells them all they are dickheads and gets them to get their shit together!

[jjoelswatch]

Big ol' health rant under the cut.

I'm beyond frustrated with my care team and how hard I have to advocate for myself to get tests/labs done.

I've been not feeling well symptomatically for over a year, and been dealing with lack of appetite issues for about three years. Started with right side stomach pain last August that led to potential gallbladder issue concerns. I had every test under the sun to rule it out (abdominal ultrasound, upper scope, HIDA scan, stool sample) and everything came back okay aside from some inflammation (no H. Pylori, no celiac, no gallstones, no ulcers-- gallbladder, liver, pancreas, etc function all normal). So it was just like "well okay, I guess nothing's wrong with me except that my right abdomen hurts from time to time" and I tried to move on with my life.

I started having strange neurological symptoms back in March of this year (tingling/numb sensation in my face, strange senses of touch in parts of my face-- like parts of my face felt like a balloon). I've always suffered from ocular migraines with aura and no pain (and flashes of light/visual snow), so I thought it was just fun new migraine symptoms. They went away for a few months then came back in full force with even more fun symptoms (tingling in my hands and feet, lack of sensation in my right leg but not total numbness, a gradual increase in forgetfulness/short term memory issues that are SO not the norm for me, middle back pain??), so I scheduled an appointment with a neurologist and went to my shitty CNP "doctor" (disclaimer, CNPs are not doctors despite how the American healthcare system treats them like doctors) and basically pleaded with her to run bloodwork on me and to try to do anything to get me into for brain scans or something. Because weird neurological symptoms are super scary and it's hard not to assume the worst when you're experiencing them fairly suddenly.

She ran my bloodwork and found that my B12 levels were really low. I learned that B12 can cause literally all my symptoms, so I was relieved and they put me on 4 weeks of weekly B12 injections, with the plan to start monthly injections afterwards. She also told me they were going to test my bloodwork for folate levels and talk to one of the doctors in the practice to get to the bottom of what's causing my deficiency since I wasn't anemic or vegan/vegetarian. I felt...hopeful? and like we were headed down the right path.

Well, the office failed to click "submit" to order my blood to be tested for folate. So my CNP couldn't work with the other doctor to try to puzzle out what's wrong with me.

I was feeling pretty good during those 4 weeks of injections. My memory was sharper and my symptoms were gradually reducing (there is apparently something called "nerve wake up" when dealing with neuro issues from B12D, which can still cause symptoms to show). I knew that recovery would be gradual, as it can take 6 months to a year to really recover from neuro damage/issues from B12D, so I tried to stay positive. But a week and a half out from my last weekly shot, my symptoms returned with a vengeance.

Now my symptoms are a right leg that wants to cramp up from hamstring to calf, a left toe that just...twitches of its own accord, other random muscle twitches/tenseness, and (possibly unrelated?) increased acid reflux issues. My neuro appointment isn't until the first week of October (because the US sucks and it literally takes 5-6 months to see specialists at the bare minimum), so I messaged my doctor in a bit of a panic with some questions about my symptoms and asking if we could more aggressively treat the deficiency, because like...I'm concerned about perma nerve damage at this point?? And she tells me she's going to refer me to a neurologist without answering any of my other questions or trying to see me any eariler.... If she'd looked at my file or remembered our last conversation, she would know that I already have a appointment with one.

I caved and did several things. I tried to switch to the other doctor in the office she said she was going to work with to get to the bottom of my issues, because...why not go straight to the source? That failed, as the practice "doesn't do that, as a rule" which like...okay? Desperate for relief, I started sublingual supplements of B12 (fucked up at first at did the methyl version which just didn't agree with my body and switched to the same form as my shots were). I started seeing some relief in my symptoms, including my muscle tension in my leg (which was previously causing me to have trouble walking) and some of my muscle twitching.

I also called the neurologist's office like, "listen I know you guys haven't seen me yet, but can you order some scans to give me some peace of mind?" and they finally agreed to send me in for a cervical spine MRI and an EMG. I did the MRI only to find out that the reason they had me down for one was "neck pain" which I've literally never said I had and they didn't include a brain MRI like I'd expected given my symptoms. MRI turned out fine, which was a relief as much as it was kind of expected. The EMG is yet to be done (on the 28th).

I finally had my appointment with my CNP on Monday for my first monthly shot and to do labs, including the folate lab they screwed up. I told her that I wanted her to run labs for the missed folate, iron, vitamin D, magnesium, and copper. She sort of...laughed at me?? and told me that we ran those labs already. I told her to look at my chart because we didn't, and she obviously had to walk back her sentence and was like "I don't think we need to run labs for vitamin D but we can if you want?" and of course I said that I did. She refused to run labs for magnesium because that was "a more serious lab" and then said she "didn't know how to even test for copper because that's a heavy metal". I get my labs done, get my first monthly B12 shot. She sends me on my way with "depending on how your labs turn out, we'll see if we need to continue B12 shots"...when it can take a year for my symptoms to correct themselves.

Go figure~ my labs come back - the labs I had to TELL her to order for me - and out of a desired 30+ range for vitamin D, my level is 7 lmao. Thankfully I still am going to be getting monthly B12 shots since my levels are higher (due to self-treating) but still low. I also have to take vitamin D and a multivitamin now. She also referred me to a hematologist because I brought up the MTHR gene that can affect B12 absorption since I'm not anemic or vegan. I just want to know what's causing this deficiency, because she seems to have dropped the ball on the matter altogether.

I'm close to a week out from my last shot now and my muscles are getting tense and twitchy again. It's so, so hard to sit here and tell myself that this healing process is just going to take time-- trying to reassure myself that my muscle twitching is just "nerve wake up" and not a sign of something much worse. I've been going quietly crazy worried about ALS, Parkinson's, or MS because these deficiencies can mimic their symptoms. I just want it to be the 28th so I can get my EMG done and over with, and then see my neuro on the 2nd of October. I so tired of going to the doctor. I'm tired of feeling like they don't take me and my symptoms seriously. I'm tired of feeling like an annoyance. I'm tried of having to go out and do my own research and then bringing that research to my doctors, because between the two of us, I don't have a fucking medical degree. I'm tried of hearing "don't consult Dr. Google" when what else am I supposed to do when you're not doing your job thoroughly?

I'm just tired and I want to feel better.

[pb-dot]

Film Friday: Paranormal Activity

Another late Film Friday, what can I say, time is strange these days. Anyway, last week's One Cut Of The Dead got me thinking about another really inexpensive horror movie that really tore up the horror scene. Paranormal Activity had a shooting budget of 15k dollars, and with a somewhat beefier 215k post-prod, it still comes out well under what you'd expect to need to shell out for a feature length movie. Earning back almost 200 million at the box office and starting a successful franchise, Paranormal Activity is one of those ROI dream scenarios for sure. This is all well and good, but the best part is that the movie also kinda rocks, and I'm going to get into that a bit today.

Paranormal Activity is the story of Katie and Micah, a comfortably middle-class couple who find themselves besieged by supernatural forces. Katie is convinced she is haunted by a supernatural being, and day trader and amateur documentarian Micah decides to set up a camera or two to get to the bottom of things. Needless to say given the genre, Katie's belief is indeed justified, and despite her insistence that they don't provoke the entity, Micah just can't help stirring the ethereal pot.

The whole movie is presented in the Found Footage style as the footage Micah shoots. Using mostly fixed angle tripod shots, the movie is far steadier than the customary chaotic handheld found footage affair. Paranormal Activity uses this steady foundation to build a slow burn horror. It starts simple, Katie sleepwalking, pictures falling off the wall off screen, escalates as Katie's somnambulism takes on an unnerving edge, doors slam, and invisible entities start directly interacting with our intrepid homeowners.

The movie is pretty evenly split in my mind, between daytime scenes that for the most part leans into exploring the backstory of this peculiar haunting as well as Micah and Katie's reactions to the spookiness thus far, and some truly hauntingly tense night time shots, where the majority of the scary business takes place.

My favorite thing, bar none, about this movie is how it clicker trains the audience. Throughout the movie, the night scenes are mostly scanned through in fast forward. That is, of course, until something strange or scary happens, in which case the footage slows down to 1x speed. I vividly remember seeing this film in the theater and near the end of the movie hearing the person next to me whisper to their friend, in as close to a panic as I've heard in a movie theater, "It's at normal speed, oh god, it's at normal speed..." That, right there, is payoff. That is having your audience so thoroughly conditioned to be scared that even when you flat out tell them "Ok, fair warning I'm gonna scare you now," they're still on it. It's marvelous really, and next to REC, it's my favorite example of the power of the found footage genre.

If the movie has a major flaw, it surely is the character of Micah. Granted, it's a thankless job being the boyfriend in a horror movie, as you're most likely either on skeptic duty or en route to be very early in the killcount, but even among the storied ranks of shitty horror movie boyfriends, Micah ranks pretty high up there. He combines most of, if not all of the trait of the gaslighting "I don't believe in ghosts"-boyfriend, and the absolutely obsessive "film everything"-found footage guy. This leaves us with a guy who neither all the way believes the ostensible love of his life about the entity that has been haunting her the vast majority of her life, nor is willing to leave this thing that he may or may not believe in alone for a damn second. He scoffs at the psychic Katie brings in to have a gander at the situation, and yet he's out there spreading salt on the floor to see if whatever is out there tormenting his wife to near insanity leaves any footprints.

When Katie asks him to promise not to buy an Ouija board to communicate with the thing, Micah reluctantly agrees, and then goes out to borrow an Ouija board to communicate with the thing instead. That's the kind of bullshit you'd expect from a bad r/AITA poster, and the kind of behavior that has me considering Micah as a bit of a secondary villain in the piece. It's to the level where I think the three best things about the sequel are 1: More cameras, 2: the inclusion of a VERY good dog, and 3: No Micah.

Paranormal Activity is an interesting horror movie, in that I can't quite decide if it works best in theaters or at home. I think it works very well in the cinema given the isolation and captive nature of the experience really driving home the tension the movie's building up. On the other hand, there's something compelling about watching a horror movie set in a quite regular house like, say, the one you're in RIGHT NOW. Granted, the impact of the latter may be reduced some with the Paranormal Activity house being a pre-'08 real estate bubble collapse type of home, which further serves to alienate us from Micah's perspective. I suppose that there's some joy to be found in the fact that if the demon didn't get to him, the near-collapse of the financial sector would no doubt ruin Micah's day trading ass, but I digress.

Although I like it better as a movie, I'm probably not going to write about Paranormal Activity 2, in part because it's more of what worked from the first one, and in part because I do not want to set out on a path that may one day have me do a retrospective of the sixth film Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension.

[helluvaxhazbin]

He can’t believe he’s doing this. He really fucking can’t believe he’s doing this… Tail lashing irritably behind him, shoulders hunched as he paces back and forth in a discreet and familiar motel room ( he cant make this call at home, his roommate Millie might overhear ) Moxxie impatiently waits for the phone to stop ringing. ❛ Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK— ❜ He thinks, itching to hang up but body and warped emotions begging him to wait a bit longer.

Today sucked. It sucked worse than it had ANY right to… So what’s the harm in it sucking a bit more? At the very least, he’ll get a bit of feeling good in this shitshow before the shame can set in. A kind of good he hasn’t felt since his father’s house when he hooked up with—

❝ Chaz— ❞ Moxxie hastily says as soon as he hears the shark’s voice. Immediately overwhelmed with a bout of frustration— at himself, at his stupid ex, at all those shitty people that drove him to this —face flushes crimson as he irritatingly snaps, ❝ I found your stupid phone number. Next time, don’t leave garbage in my pockets. ❞ Body tenses, Moxxie closing his eyes and sucking in a shaky breath… Fuck. ❝ Listen. Remember one of our old places? Back when we were still hiding from my father? The one that had those tiny muffins we’d steal on the way out? ❞

❝ … How quickly can you get here? ❞ - (( *Y E E T S* ))

@dragcns-den

Truth be told he hadn't been expecting a call from moxxie despite that night of passion or rather intense fucking they had together. It was quite obvious from that, that his ex still couldn't stand him and if anything was trying to merely take his frustrations out on his body. While also getting off at the same time. He figured it was a one and done. A fuck for old times sake but apparently he was dead wrong. Thank lucifer for that.

"Hey baby. Miss me already?" He put on the heavy mask of self confidence. Better to sound cocky than utterly pathetic with his desperation for his once true love. Atleast that's what he thought they were before he screwed everything up.

"Aw you remembered." He cooed into his cell. Thanking his lucky stars. This was his big break when it came to patching things up with his precious little imp. "Lucky for you I was actually headed there anyway." He needed to lay low after crimson almost killed his ass. Hopefully moxxie would think his new scars were sexy. "I'll be there in ten. Same room as before right?"