#or who doesn't want to sacrifice all happiness to appear healthy

[anaalnathrakhs]

mental health facilities looooove to only have inpatient available when it would make things worse

[multitrackdrifting]

I went to my younger cousin's wedding, and I didn't cry or anything but I was happy to see her living such a full and healthy life in the present. I saw all my cousins, plenty of my extended family and while I don't get on perfect with everyone my cousins and I are tight-knit. We don't catch up often but we've always gotten on well.

I think that this life has plenty of servings of bullshit on a plate but honestly, the moments you get to enjoy surrounded by people you care about make everything okay for a day.

I am not an extraverted person, though people think I am because I am exceptional at cosplaying a normal and outgoing guy. I try hard to dress well and groom my appearance and all that shit. Though, one dinner a month or one party is enough for me to feel burned out for quite a while. But as much as I feel tired and all that after the fact, I'm glad I saw all my cousins and even old friends I hadn't spoken to in ages. A lot of them are married or have kids and it's pretty funny to think how far we've come in life.

To people who don't know me that well, I was pretty depressed well into my early adulthood, I didn't think I'd live longer than 18, nor make 21, yet I'm so far removed from that inescapable dread, the spirals and all the other shit that I barely remember what it is like to feel that difficult feeling, like there's a crushing weight on my body, and it's genuinely hard to do anything.

I don't want to live some fairy tale of a life, I just want to live. I'm not struggling, I'm not even close to rock bottom. When I think about the potential life I could've had, I used to feel regret, shit, I felt bitter as hell about it for the longest time. The person I could've been, if not for x y or z - but while I recognize not all pain and experience is meaningful, they still constitute the sum of who I am today. Even if it was just filler and bullshit, the way things went, and the way I choose to walk forward, they make me who I am now. I took a detour, so what?

I have good friends, I look forward to waking up early each day and working on the things I care about. I have hobbies in writing & editing, I got a close circle of friends I hang out with from time to time in real life and I got plenty of good friends online. I don't know for sure what the future holds, and I guess it's scary to think about my life without being online as much (because timezones means that I will never be available to anyone in an American time zone) but I'm also recognizing that the period of my life where I was available all the time to do things was also the same period of time where it had no direction or stability - that I'm just used to it, it's not that I need it, necessarily.

In the future which I'm brushing with, I have to face the reality that I can't be there for people across the ocean and I don't say sentimental things because I am not a sentimental person but that doesn't mean I don't think these things. I'm not built for outward affection for people, it's a lot easier to do with things I like, than people I care about - it's not a lack of emotional intelligence or ability to express that, I'm just not like that because I just don't like doing that.

I was born across the ocean from a lot of people I love and I have no plan to move across it. The hardest thing for me isn't reconciling time lost, the life I could've had or the potential that was left unspent. I'm no longer an idealistic fourteen year old who made a blog because a girl simply asked him to (yes, that's why I've had one since 2010, well, I deleted for like 5 years, but I remade in '22).

I see the future ahead is unwritten, and to write what I want to, I have to sacrifice the comfort I derive from simply being there to do things with people. Part-time work is one thing, it gives you plenty of free time, but a lot of financial anxieties and most people wouldn't choose to just feel terrified about money all the time. I certainly have been there many times.

It scares me, it does. It's so fucking stupid. Of course, I am not the availability I have to other people, and I've always had something I was doing. With college, or work, but I've never had a career - one that was really going somewhere.

Even now, there's still time to breathe before I'm anchored to it. But it's what I want, yet I'm terrified of it. Of seeing my dream materialize, while the world I know actually changes even if it's for the better.

The world I understood, the one I lived, while biding my time until this point, it will fade to the back of my mind even if my feelings about these people don't.

I'll be honest no part of me really loves what I do for work, but it's stable and it's relatively harmless work. I'll never feel the same passion for my job that I do for my crafts and spending time with people I care about. But if one part of me has to suffer for the other to thrive, I'm ready to face that... kinda.

I'm still scared of the future, perhaps I'll be scared even when I'm old. It's my birthday soon, and I still love being alive. I still love the challenge of living and making the most of my new paths.

I've talked to all my close friends about it, but I don't think they understand it really. I commute to the city for work, so I'm out of the house by 7, and I'm home around 7 or 8. I'm just not available that much, and I only have about an hour of free time every day (since I have worked the exact schedule for a year before).

For most people, especially in NA timezones, they understand a couple hours difference being a thing, but for me, I do not have the option to be available or around to do anything and it's so trivial to care about but I do.

But as I agonize over that reality, I too realize that I build up leave - you know? I'll have money to travel. A lot. I'll just build up my leave, go on holidays and do rich people shit (I won't actually be rich, I'm just saying, I'll have more money than I'm making right now).

Maybe I can't cross the ocean and make it home, but I can still cross it. And though I cannot be the guy who rounds out the ranked grind, or the friend who can call with them all the time, I can still be their friend.

I've already worked like this for a year, and I'll be honest it genuinely, well and truly was lonely. In response, I started working more graveyard shift work, and that was not great but for different reasons. But if I really focus on what it can help me do, maybe I can find some middle ground where I know work will never make me feel happy, but I can still find a way to smile each day.

The future scares me, and it also feels kind of exciting.

It's funny. I feel like I've been in a haze for the longest time despite feeling relatively good. Perhaps I was trying not to think about the uncomfortable reality of living a normie life that is a lot more lonely.

I'm not going to agonize on the reality that I have to work to live, working is not that hard to me since the stuff I do I'm pretty good at it. It's the act of work itself being a relatively lonely experience.

Working part-time is okay, but full-time genuinely is gruelling in how lonely it feels. I'm an introverted guy and it makes even me feel lonely.

If I had to have only one wish, it would be to make enough doing anything else that I wouldn't have to worry anymore.

Any job I can just quit on a whim, but a career? No, that's not the kind of thing you just drop randomly. And my ADHD ass is terrified of that concept.

It's such a trivial thing to get worried about, but I'm not afraid to say that it bothers me. Every FT job I've ever had I've hated it. I'm not bad at this career path I chose, but hell, just... maybe this is the endgame of everything.

But maybe it isn't.

Maybe I work this job, I get certified, I quit my firm - I do something else.

Maybe I work harder creatively, and I get lucky.

And I do something else.

The future is still not set in stone,

so I guess I'll have to take it as it comes

before I can do something that actually makes me happy

and in the mean time I should just find peace in knowing that what I do helps me live a stable life

even if it kind of sucks to feel alone

But just think, that I'm here to have any fear to face is something remarkable in and of itself. I wasn't supposed to make it through the dark, and I did anyway.

I take pride in living, even if nobody can see its value, I'm glad I'm alive. I'd rather have boring problems than struggle to face forward, or look people in the eyes the way I did when I didn't think I deserved any joy or happiness at all. I'm glad I am alive.

[aphrostarot]

Future Relationship Pick a Pile

What is the present and future state of things with the person you are thinking about?

*you do not have to be in a relationship with them currently*

Please remember that this is a general reading and some things may not apply to you. Don't force it to fit. I offer paid readings on my page if you would like a personal reading. Prices are listed there. Please message me or email me if you are interested!

Pile One (Rose Quartz):

Where are you presently?

Seven of Wands:

Right now, someone in your life is causing you drama. Recently, you have been arguing and fighting more than usual with this person. This might be a romantic partner or an old friend. This person doesn't respect you or your ideas, and it has been showing more and more lately, which makes you retaliate and step up to defend yourself.

Where is your person presently?

Seven of Cups:

Right now, this person feels pretty lost in their life. After spending so long on one path, they are stuck, unsure of how to proceed, faced with multiple options on how to move forward in life. Right now, they must decide whether to continue on the path they have been on or take a different route.

The Hanged Man:

They will have to make sacrifices on this journey, and it appears that they are currently stuck due to a lack of desire to make those sacrifices. To move forward, they must give up something in their life, but this is a very difficult decision. Currently, they are at a standstill.

What obstacles stand in your way currently?

King of Pentacles:

One or both of you are a very materialistic person, viewing people as what they can bring to you rather than through an emotional lens. Based on the energy I feel that this may be the person you are thinking of rather than you. This person needs to let go of this mindset so they can choose the right path, the one that leads to you.

What do/will you provide for your partner?

Page of Cups:

When it comes to this person, you are very empathic. Your more sensitive side shows when you are with them, and you really want to help them through their troubles. You tend to be quite needy when it comes to them, feeling as though if they do not constantly show their love to you or express their love for you that they are losing these feelings. When it comes to them, you need constant reassurance. Despite that, you still show this person a more loving and gentle type of love, something they might not be accustomed to.

What do/will they provide to you?

Queen of Wands:

When it comes to you, this person is quite bossy. They are quite dictatorial. Most of what they care about is themselves and their pursuit of what they want, rather than your emotional needs and wants. However, they have no ill intentions or feelings for you. Love from this person makes you feel more insecure. This person brings out your abandonment wounds. As of now, your relationship is like this.

What are your future intentions with them?

The Emperor:

Since this person currently has a lot of control over you, it seems to me you want to be in charge in the future. You want to reclaim your throne and be the bossy dictator instead. For a change, you'd like to be the boss.

What are their future intentions with you?

Nine of Cups:

They want to fulfill all of your future wishes as well as their own. They want your relationship to be everything that both of you have ever dreamed of having.

Queen of Swords:

This may not reflect their future intentions, but rather only a possible outcome. There will be a woman who causes trouble in your relationship. Usually, it is a female relative, a mom, or a sister. In the case that you are currently having problems with this woman, this person's intention may be to handle your current problem.

What are some obstacles you will face in the future if the present obstacle isn’t dealt with?

Eight of Cups:

In the future, if you do not resolve the present obstacles, one of you may walk away and start a new life. According to the energy I am receiving from this pile, you might be the one to walk away from this person if they do not change their materialistic mindset.

Where do they stand with you in the future?

Knight of Cups:

It seems as if they will finally start to see you from an emotional point of view in the future. Eventually, they will start to be more romantic towards you and act like a prince charming. They want to be everything that you have always wanted them to be.

Where do you stand with them in the future?

The Devil:

I think that this person finally acknowledging their feelings for you and becoming less bossy and more romantic towards you is too little, too late. Ultimately, it will be you who walks away. Having had enough of the psychological trauma that this person brings up in you and causes in you, you leave them.

Channeled Messages:

“Dominate me”

“I wish you were lying next to me my love…”

“You are home”

“You are the one I want to be with”

“How can you miss someone you’ve never met?”

“I can’t stop thinking about you, you are always in my dreams.”

“I think you are amazing”

Frustration

Have faith

Please stay

Channeled Letters:

Q

N

U

Y

S

X

O

O

L

I

Channeled Songs:

Pile Two (Amazonite):

Where are you presently?

The Magician:

My sense is that you may be single and manifesting this person into your life. If that is not the case, then it is possible that your significant other isn't who you thought they were, so you are trying to manifest a better version of them through them or through someone else.

Where is your person presently?

King of Wands:

Currently, this person feels extremely passionate about the things they are pursuing in life. They work extremely hard to achieve their dreams and they are pretty successful. At this point in their lives, they are feeling pretty confident and feel as if they can accomplish anything they set their minds to.

What obstacles stand in your way currently?

The Hanged Man:

If you want to move closer to each other, you may need to make some sacrifices in one or both of your lives. For some, I’m hearing that the Universe is bringing you your manifestations but it may not look exactly like what you want. If that is the case then you will need to let go of some of your ideas of what you want in a person.

What do/will you provide for your partner?

The Fool:

There may be an age difference between you and this person, that or a different level of maturity between the both of you. The person you are thinking of seems to be the more mature and serious one out of the both of you. This person will see life in a more fun-loving, carefree way when you are around. You show them a more youthful approach to love and life.

What do/will they provide to you?

Death:

The Fool is all beginnings and Death is all about endings, so, this is another symbol of the two of you and your levels of maturity. You benefit from this person's maturity. Their guidance will help you to become a more beautiful version of yourself. They will help you let go of your past and grow into a better version of yourself.

What are your future intentions with them?

Five of Cups:

Despite the hurt you've suffered in the past and the sadness that has filled your life, you're still a positive person. Life still seems hopeful to you and you do not let hurt consume you. That hurt still resides deep inside of you, and sometimes it overcomes you if you are not careful.

I am receiving strong Aries energy from this pile, both Sun and Moon.

The Tower:

During the Tower moment in Tarot, everything you have accumulated over the course of your life comes crashing down around you. The Fool's journey describes them sleeping under the Tower when it comes crumbling down around them. It was a traumatic experience but they emerged from it more optimistic thanks to the fact that they lost most of what held them back and they are ready for a fresh start. I find this interesting because you bring the Fool's energy to this person, which shows me that you do embody the Fool. You know that this person will allow you to let go of your past and move forward. Therefore, your future intention with this person is to help you overcome your sadness and become a better version of yourself.

What are their future intentions with you?

Ace of Pentacles:

This person wants to build a foundation with you in the future. In order to make sure that you're happy and comfortable in life, they are willing to do whatever it takes. They want to make sure you can count on them for support whenever you need it. Their intentions are to build a happy and healthy home life with you. Possibly even building a house for you. They could also want to buy you an engagement ring.

What are some obstacles you will face in the future if the present obstacle isn’t dealt with?

Five of Wands:

In the absence of solutions to the present obstacles, some competition may be on the horizon. There may be people who try to steal this person's attention from you.

Page of Cups:

Your emotional immaturity may be another obstacle in this current situation. You need to start to mature a bit more and recognize that some of your desires are not what is best for you. You are being blinded by your optimism in this current moment and this may come back to haunt you in the future.

Where do they stand with you in the future?

Nine of Cups:

With you, their future is filled with wish fulfillment. You will fulfill all of their wishes in the future. Their dreams of building a foundation with you, of making you comfortable and happy with them are coming true in the future. As long as the obstacles are overcome.

Where do you stand with them in the future?

Judgment:

As for you, the future looks bright as well. You will see results in your current problems. By overcoming your current obstacles, you will then be able to be in a healthy relationship with this person.

Channeled Messages:

“Emotionally distant”

“Too self-conscious"

“Dominate me”

“I’ve heard that you’ve been a bad…”

“Can I know every part of you?”

“Playing hard to get”

“I think you are amazing”

Divine Masculine

Eternal Love

Forever

Channeled Letters:

P

N

R

O

I

K

E

A

Channeled Songs:

Pile Three (Amethyst):

Where are you presently?

Nine of Pentacles:

In recent months, you have been enjoying the fruits of your labor more than you did before. It is possible that you have been treating yourself more rather than saving money. It seems that you have struggled with money in the past, which is why you usually save money, but lately, you have been spending more than you used to.

Where is your person presently?

The Hermit:

For the past few months, the person you are thinking of has been living in hermit mode. Instead of spending time with friends, they have been spending time with themselves. This has left them feeling pretty lonely.

Three of Wands:

Recently, this person started a new job or has changed the way they work. They have had to work in a team more, and being in a hermit mode makes this difficult. They would much rather be alone right now, but their job requires them to work with others.

What obstacles stand in your way currently?

Three of Pentacles:

This is the card of putting your skills to good use. The process of becoming a master. Currently, your person is not doing this. Recently, they have experienced something that has caused them to withdraw into themselves, despite the Universe telling them they need to work with others to improve their abilities. This is preventing both of you from progressing towards each other if they continue to do so.

What do/will you provide for your partner?

Two of Cups:

It is possible that this person has never experienced true love. They do not know what it's like to be truly loved for who you are and everything you do. No one has ever brought them sweet, innocent, fairytale-like love. As a result, they may feel that they are unworthy. You will bring this to them. This person will experience what it is like to be truly loved by you.

What do/will they provide to you?

Eight of Cups:

Your tendency is to hold onto the past, fearing that the negative things that happened to you in the past will happen again. You will be able to let go and move on from the past when you are with this person. A brighter future awaits you with their guidance.

The Sun:

With them, you will experience true happiness. Your life will be better than it has ever been before because of them.

What are your future intentions with them?

Two of Pentacles:

You want to bring balance not only in your own life but also in their life. Your goal is to be the person that makes them feel complete and whole, the one that makes them feel at home.

Queen of Cups:

Also, you want to show this person what true loyalty is. You want this person to trust you and feel at ease with your relationship. Your way of doing this is by being an extremely kind, caring, and loyal partner. The last thing you want is to become the kind of person who has hurt them before.

What are their future intentions with you?

Strength:

They want you to see how strong they are. They want to be the person who you go to for protection, the one who is going to hold down the fort when you need it. They want you to truly be yourself and let your guard down around them and the only way they feel they can do this is by being strong for you.

What are some obstacles you will face in the future if the present obstacle isn’t dealt with?

Page of Wands:

If the present obstacles are not addressed, it appears that this relationship won't last. Maintaining a long-term relationship will be challenging for you both.

Where do they stand with you in the future?

Four of Pentacles:

It seems that this person will be very possessive of you. This can be a negative thing for some but, based on the energy I am getting from you, I think that you may enjoy this at least in the beginning you do.

Where do you stand with them in the future?

Death:

As a result of this relationship, you will undergo a transformation. At the beginning of the relationship, you may enjoy their more possessive and jealous side, but as the relationship progresses, you no longer enjoy this side. In the end, you will want to end this relationship.

King of Wands (reversed):

As the relationship progresses, this person turns out to be quite arrogant and domineering. When you realize they were hiding their true colors from you at first, you begin to lose feelings for them. You no longer enjoy their bossy attitude and actually despise it.

Channeled Messages:

“Just tell me how you feel”

“I tried to replace you but then I realized you’re irreplaceable. Now you’re gone.”

“Can I know every part of you?”

“I can’t stop thinking about you. You are always in my dreams.”

“I want to see you naked”

“Let me show you how much I love you”

“I see you in my dreams”

“I wished for someone like you”

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen”

Forever

Channeled Letters:

O

T

T

N

B

S

I

Blank - whatever you feel fits

Channeled Songs:

Pile Four (Fuchsite):

Where are you presently?

Queen of Pentacles:

Recently, you have been treating yourself to some luxury. As of late, you have become more self-loving, and this includes treating yourself to things you normally wouldn't.

Three of Swords:

After being heartbroken, you may have realized that you cannot rely on others to love you and that you must love yourself. Because of this, you have been treating yourself much better than you have in the past.

Where is your person presently?

Four of Pentacles:

Currently, this person feels very possessive over the things in their life. Perhaps they fear letting go of things or are sentimentally attached to pretty much everything they own. This leads to hoarding behavior, which they have always had but recently has gotten worse. This person gives me strong Cancer energy.

Eight of Swords:

In addition, they seem to be trapped in their own minds. Insecurities that they have lived with all their lives have resurfaced and are causing them a lot of trouble. This may explain why they are hoarding things. I also feel that they may be moving right now and this is what is causing the insecurities and hoarding behavior because they may fear change.

What obstacles stand in your way currently?

The Devil:

You have been unable to come together because of this person's hoarding addiction. The reasons why they hoard stem from their anxieties and insecurities, which are a result of their fear of change and abandonment. In order for the two of you to come together, this person needs to get these behaviors under control.

What do/will you provide for your partner?

Queen of Cups:

You will be an extremely kind, caring, and loyal partner. Providing them with an outlet for expressing their emotions. This person will be more willing to open up with you in their life. As a result, they will be more willing to get out of their own heads.

What do/will they provide to you?

Ten of Pentacles:

This person will bring you abundance. Everything you have ever wanted in life will be provided by them. You will both have a very comfortable life together.

What are your future intentions with them?

The Emperor

You want to be the dominant one in the relationship, wanting to control how the relationship goes. When it comes to them, you want to make the decisions and be the one they can count on to let go of their control issues and let you handle things.

What are their future intentions with you?

Nine of Cups:

It is this person's dream to fulfill every one of your dreams. Their goal is to make your life full of joy and abundance. My impression is that they are willing to give you control so long as they can be the person that you have always dreamed of being, and as long as they can fulfill all your wishes.

What are some obstacles you will face in the future if the present obstacle isn’t dealt with?

Two of Cups:

If the present issues are not addressed, it seems that the two of you will struggle to maintain a balanced relationship filled with love. Together, you will butt heads and have a hard time finding happiness.

Where do they stand with you in the future?

The Lovers:

The future looks bright on their end. They seem to have gotten control over their unhealthy behaviors and want to give you love. If you are currently in a relationship with this person, they will likely realize in the future that if they do not control their negative behaviors, you will not be able to remain together. This is what drives them to change.

Ace of Cups:

If you are not currently with this person then this is a sign that they too will realize that the only way for them to be with you is by them getting their negative behaviors under control. They will soon do this and come towards you with an offer of love.

Where do you stand with them in the future?

King of Wands:

In the future, you will be ready to commit to this person. You will be the provider for them, taking care of them and their needs, giving them a chance to settle down and let their guard down. The future looks bright for both of you and this relationship.

Channeled Messages:

“Don’t let me go”

“Not open right now”

“I want to taste you”

“My twin flame, my love”

“Want to make you scream”

“I’m testing your limits”

“I’m working on myself right now.”

“I am trying to protect you”

Fight for it

Time Apart

Channeled Letters:

E

D

R

R

M

G

Channeled Songs:

Though tips are not required, they are very much appreciated. Thank you!

Venmo: @ aphrostarot

Paypal: paypal/aphrostarot

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

why does jean warn up to mc so quickly? ikevamp makes it clear that jean is a pretty reserved person and doesn't open up or let people in easily but he seems to let mc in quite quickly and it confuses me quite a bit.

Oh boy, where to begin with this one.

Well, I have a lot of Feelings^TM about this, but I'll try to be concise. Essentially, I think Jeanne doesn't recover in the other routes--or the general storyline--largely because he's just a lot to unpack narratively speaking. And without some pretty direct intervention, he has a hard time healing. MC’s direct intervention was meaningful because it was focused, consistent, and adapted to Jeanne’s specific needs. She also doesn’t make light of his experiences which is key; she fully understands that she can’t fathom what he’s been through. There is a very weighty respect and acknowledgement, a seriousness with which she treats his wounds that’s important.

It’s easy to make this a “why is MC nOt LiKe ThE oThEr GiRlS” but honestly that’s just not the sense I get when I look at all the information available to us. 

That being said, I also just feel like every person's recovery from traumatic events doesn't really look the same? I mean Leonardo’s cptsd isn’t going to operate the same way Jeanne’s wartime/Inquisition cptsd is going to operate. Some people require very individualized healing, others will often require a large scale group effort to lift them up.

Typically people don't ever just get over what happened to them and never worry about it again, either. It's usually a process of coping; the hope is that with time you find healthy ways to deal with grief and move forward. Therapists aren't magicians, they just help people process painful experiences/thoughts. It's honestly up to individuals to find meaningful ways to implement these tactics. 

Tl; dr: My contention is that Jeanne doesn’t open up or choose to stay alive because MC magically heals him, rather his recovery is a convergence of many people’s efforts and hopes that he stays alive. Gilles (he insists that Jeanne must live, asks him to promise), MC (affirms and bolsters that promise), Comte (makes a second life and recovery possible)--and in no small measure Mozart and Napoleon--all make an active effort to buoy him. As people often say, it takes a village to raise a child.

While Jeanne seems to respond most powerfully to MC’s attempts, it feels more like a product of chemistry/compatibility than it does a random cop out. There is no insinuation that only romantic love can heal; after all, MC gets close to him without any romantic intentions at first. They’re just good friends? It’s more that their feelings simply moved in a different direction after a point, which doesn’t necessarily happen all the time. Jeanne is also incredibly moved by Mozart’s love for him as a friend, Comte’s love for him as a father, and even Gilles’ love as a comrade to an extent. If anything, without their input Jeanne’s capacity for romantic love would be questionable at best.

Now, because I can never for the life of me stop analyzing, I have a more large scale outline of my thoughts below. Spoilers for Jeanne’s route:

If we look at Jeanne's life history, he has pretty specific trauma. Most of the harm he endured was a direct result of human rights violations after the war itself. He didn't enjoy fighting and killing people, but he's also very much a man that sees the reality of his position: it's either kill or be killed. His entire goal was to defeat the enemy as efficiently as possible in the hopes of ending conflict, and with his enormous resolve turns the tide. He had no innate interest in inflicting harm, or lack of control when engaging. He isn't pathological about it, and doesn’t dehumanize the other side. He was more "this was an act of necessity, but those are still human beings." So as far as I can tell he has a very strong moral compass and sense of duty, he doesn't show much delusion/confusion in that regard. (Also evident in his conversations with the young orphan boy.) Furthermore, he has been shown to have a sense of humor--cracking jokes with Gilles and boosting morale for his fellow soldiers.

His childhood abandonment is significant (he left his home because he was "not an adequate farmhand and they had no ability to feed all their children") but I don't know if I would consider it a huge trauma point for him. It seems as though he deemed it an act of necessity--not spite. It was simply the way of things, and he couldn't help his wiry constitution. You'd be surprised how common that was once upon a time, tbh... While it's certainly not right or fair, it does appear that in his perception it was the choice he made and he moved on after he became a soldier. Just focusing on what he could do, rather than everything he lacked. For people in his position, they often feel it is useless to linger on what should have been. There’s no time to linger or doubt, life hangs in the balance.

That leaves us with his time under the Inquisition, just before he was slated to be burned alive. I think this is the keystone trauma point for him, because there are a lot of moving parts to his powerlessness here. The first part is that his entire life's mission--ending the war so that people would no longer have to die and/or starve as a result of senseless violence--was just sabotaged. All those years of doing things he never wanted to do (wartime violence) and being forced to leave his family to ensure they didn't all starve, all of it treated like some kind of joke. Like he didn't sacrifice years of his life and sanity to protect a people who were happy to call him a monster and watch him burn alive. The second part is the overt gaslighting and rewriting of Jeanne's personal history (and overall French public perception) for the sake of the King's political agenda. To call him a treasonous danger to the country when he was once lauded a hero. The third portion is the actual physical helplessness of being arrested, starved, and continuously maimed for no reason beyond pure malice. While it's never right to do that to any human being, this was done to a man who prided himself on his stalwart moral code. To abuse and torture him for something egregious that he would never do (at the risk of death) is just another slap in the face to everything he is and believes in.

I just feel like the context clarifies why that period of time would be the tipping point. His entire moral code and life’s work is being called into question and swept aside, as well as his agency? He believes very powerfully in a sense of right vs wrong, what's fair and what isn't fair. Somebody else deciding that for him--and deciding in a way that is openly unfair/incorrect--further makes him lose himself and his sense of reality. A person in that situation begins to doubt if they are good or bad. His belief in god all the more pressing; if he was a good person, why would fate bring him so much suffering? Honorable soldier or not, his blade has drawn so much blood...

People often reference his stilted social skills (and I am of the belief that he is on the autistic spectrum) as a reason why he is so "people-adverse" but tbh? I don't agree. His memories before the onset of this trauma reveal that he was actually a very warm person, and that people were more than willing to fight under his banner. He had friends, and he had comrades--his country loved him. He was the picture of well-meaning civic duty. Just because he doesn’t integrate smoothly into larger social groups or adapt well to socially shifting circumstances, doesn’t mean he just hates people lmao. When people give him the space to exist within his comfort zone and don’t take advantage of him, he thrives. Compounded by that, we also have his actions in the present to further prove what is true and what isn't.

While he is stern with the orphan boy (I'm sorry I can't remember his name, damn it) there is no malice or cruelty in what he has to say. He doesn't punish the kid or do anything out of line. It may not be fair in terms of the adult level of discretion he asks of him, but the kid also didn't have a lot of options realistically speaking lmao. Same thing with MC, she and the orphan boy are nearly identical in how Jeanne treats them. He's a little rough, but the route reveals that his intentions are just a reflection of what he's been through. He truly believes that if a person isn't strong, they won't survive--because his entire life was a series of trying to be strong/reliable because nobody else would. There was nobody to protect him, and nobody to care for him went things went south. It was him and his sword against the world, and even his exceptional skill as a fighter did not protect him from the Inquisition's arbitrary torture. He has lived in a world where good acts can become absolutely meaningless, where following rules and helping people still gets you slaughtered. That's going to take a considerable toll on his mental health: where do you find the will to go on when the next second of your life could mean the devastation of everything that matters to you?

Spoilers: you don't. Or if you do, every minute of the day is a fight to stay alive. That is the point at which we meet Jeanne. Caught in the hellish whirlpool of wanting more, wanting better--but being terrified of the cost. The cost of hoping, only for his entire world to go up in flames again. It's not a small thing, in my view.

If you have any doubts as to whether or not that is the case, I direct you to literally every singular instance in which Jeanne's emotional sensibility goes visibly dark/south. When do these instances happen? When it rains, for one. And when Shakespeare deliberately starts pressing on his sensitivities: about the soldiers he was forced to kill, about the nation that spurned him, how he's truly "wicked" at heart and doesn't deserve to be happy--seconds before flames erupt for the festival. Does that really sound coincidental? I mean lmao. The rain is a painful reminder, but MC transforms that memory into something a little lighter with her bet. He has nothing to lose in her game, all she does is ask for time with him or offers him something if she loses. There's a playfulness there, a restoration of agency and ease that's invaluable to his recovery.

As for Shakespeare's deliberate retraumatization...I can't even begin to explain how damaging that event was. Shakespeare is undermining Jeanne's agency in that he--not unlike the corrupt monarch of Jeanne's era--is twisting Jeanne's beliefs to work against him. He knows full well that Jeanne doesn't feel like he deserves somebody so bright and understanding (we need to remember it's not really a luxury he's had much in life, especially after the war ended). He knows Jeanne has a tendency to impose that strict moral code on himself even more than he does on others. To reaffirm his every worst fear and lurking terror only throws Jeanne into a vicious downspiral. Jeanne doesn't reject MC out of disgust or hate. He rejects her because he literally cannot handle the concept of trying to be happy again, or of burdening her with his constant struggle to move on while he’s in the middle of a bad episode. He knows he won’t be able to stop reliving the past, that every second of his life and breath will be colored by his gruesome memories. He's trying as hard as he can to keep the intrusive thoughts quiet, to move on. But I'm not going to lie to any of you, that is incredibly difficult to do alone.

The next obvious question is, well why can't the other men help him? This isn't to say that they can't--we see how much solace Jeanne finds in Napoleon and Mozart. Even Isaac is gentle with the veteran. But there are limits to how much they can do. Napoleon is struggling with his own wartime trauma, and it's not identical to Jeanne's. Plus there’s a distinct difference in their sensibilities? Napoleon is the type to habitually seek comfort in helping others when he can't help himself, he's not as in tune with answering his own personal feelings and regulating them. (I mean just look at his new ES: he knows what he wants, but it takes a nudge from Isaac for him to go through with it.) He’s very communally reliant in ways Jeanne isn’t; Jeanne is a very private person, and typically prefers one on one from what I can tell.

Mozart is the definition of repression, and if you look at their interactions it's usually Jeanne that's smoothing over Mozart's rough edges. Mozart says as much himself: that he feels like a rotten friend because he knew Jeanne was struggling with a lot of intense trauma, but he didn't know how to unravel it without hurting him in the process. Mozart calls it personal cowardice, but honestly I just feel like they both had too much going on to be able to help each other effectively. (And Jeanne expresses this sentiment too? This idea that he's not angry with Mozart? He knows they're both carrying a lot, he's just touched Mozart cares about him in return.)

Okay, briefly unrelated, but like. Am I the only one that wheezes uncontrollably when Mozart is like "?????? Idk what it is about MC...I don't want her to be scared of me..." in his own main story in the baths. And Jeanne. IS TRYING SO HARD. NOT TO SPILL THE BEANS ABOUT HIM O B V I O U S L Y BEING IN LOVE. THE HILARITY I CAN'T DO THIS. Jeanne was like "yeah....yeah that's rough buddy.......[screams internally, give your boy time Jeanne he's fragile]"

Honestly? That's the thing about Jeanne too--he has incredible self-awareness and hyperarousal-related (I mean the PTSD kind, get your head out of the gutter) awareness to the people around him. He's very, very conscious of the fact that he is surrounded by geniuses when he can't even write his own name. Just because he has the fortitude not to lash out with his insecurities, doesn't mean he never feels stupid or inferior. And it doesn't help when there are people in the mansion who call him--a fucking war veteran from 500 YEARS AGO--nAiVe. He's not naive lmao. He just doesn't know how the world works so many years later, and it's a ridiculously steep learning curve? Leonardo and Comte are nearly 500 years old, but they lived throughout every hour of that time in a linear fashion. It is a big deal to be moved from 1430 to 1890 in the span of a second asynchronously, and then be expected to function without a hitch??? Given the circumstances he adapts well.

That atmosphere--this constant impatience with what he doesn’t understand, his inability to be caught up to speed quickly--is going to hinder his recovery lmao. He feels like a burden most of the time, and agency and freedom are crucial.

Another thing that occurs to me about the mansion's arrangement is that there is a power dynamic, just as any space with people in it has some level of hierarchy (unless you live with miraculously chill people). Jeanne is acutely aware that Comte is the most powerful being in that space, and he is not only hatefully angry at him--but likely afraid too. We have to remember that the biggest betrayal he witnessed in his life was at the hands of a monarch; it was the aristocracy that turned on him and erased the truth. Comte is openly a child that resulted from both that era and that type of lineage, I don't really blame Jeanne for being wary. He intimately knows how willing rich people are to throw normal folks under the bus to suit their ambitions/whims. Comte, while not deliberately threatening, also seems to be painfully aware of this impression he gives off. His "chad persona" as I've mentioned allows him to navigate his life in secret by necessity, but it’s actively damaging to his son. He can't reveal the truth because of Vlad's betrayal, and he's openly unsettled by what it could mean to be honest. Will they wonder about Vlad and find themselves ensnared under his mind control as Charles and Shakespeare are? Will Comte himself be subjected to the mortifying ordeal of being known only to lose them?? That's a risk he isn't willing to take--and that leaves him in a double bind.

What is it that they say, the truth will set you free? This is where MC and Comte come into enormous play when it comes to Jeanne's recovery. One thing to keep in mind is that most of the people in the mansion have their own traumas they're trying to carry, and I feel like a lot of them are unsure how to approach Jeanne. Or if they do, he's very guarded. It takes a lot of consistent effort to get through to him. What does MC do when Jeanne unleashes his harsh worldview on her? She's understandably frightened, but Jeanne isn't malicious (so she chases him around). In fact, he openly avoids and runs away from her--well aware that what he's done is wrong. If anything, he did it on purpose, bringing us right back to Shakespeare's verbal undoing; why does Jeanne attack her in the first place?

LMAO. He attacks her because she essentially says "oh thanks for helping me!" "I am not nice. Watch yourself." "But you seem like a nice guy to me?" "REEEEEE" Does the pattern become a little clearer? When people think kindly of him, his instinct is to shatter that illusion with an impulsive reprehensible act. When people think poorly of him or lash out, what does he do? When that orphan boy starts yelling and screaming, Jeanne is nothing but calm. He explains the situation, and offers the kid a choice, perfectly happy to be the bearer of bad news. This operates on many levels I’m sure, but I have a feeling it has something to do with him being hailed a saint and a war hero only to be tortured and branded a monstrosity (and he probably thinks being a vampire is doubly monstrous). He’s more comfortable being hated because he feels it’s what he deserves in a lot of ways.

Jeanne has a lot of internalized self-hatred because of what he's done, and because of how much harm was inflicted on him outside of his control (he's Catholic and he was tortured, come on this writes itself). If I'm honest, I think that's actually the greater part of why he hates Comte lmao. Comte refuses the very concept of being cruel no matter how much Jeanne lashes out. Sure he lectures him and scolds him, but he never actively limits what's important to him or controls or harms him. Comte fully realizes the tragedy of how Jeanne's life was used by a nation in dire straits, and knows he needs time and acceptance to heal. No matter how dismal or unhappy, Comte doesn't stop--he fully believes Jeanne should have time in his life where he can really live for himself for once. But therein lies the issue, Jeanne doesn't know how to live for himself.

Which brings me to how MC and Comte "heal" Jeanne. I feel like they give him the space he needs to recover, and that's what results in his gentled temperament and happiness. Remember that so much of his main story is MC endlessly chasing after Jeanne. No amounts of his hissing or running or threatening stops her. Even if his refusals are empty of real dislike, they're enough to deter most people. Not MC. She's able to see through to the depths of who he is, and doesn't just use him for her own ends? She actively seeks to teach him (to read and write) to help him settle better in this era, she actively tries to ease his distaste for rain with a well-meaning bet, and she never gives up on him. (Actions mean so much more to him than words in general too, tbh...). Love is more easily defined by work and effort than it is by attraction.

When he has his episode at the festival, sure she's rattled; but that's because she truly believed that he didn't want to be around her anymore. When she notices he really doesn’t want to be followed, she stops like any normal person would. It’s only when she reads his notebook and sees the truth for herself (that he’s given up despite having the same feelings for her) that her determination is rekindled. She doesn't approach him fearfully, doesn't treat him like he's made of glass either. She just wants him as he is--accepts and loves him as he is. Scarred, bloody, exhausted, abrasive, terrified. She doesn't define him by how easy he is to love. That is a huge issue with traumatized people lmao. Because of their maturity, people always just assume they don't need help, or they rely on them to an extent that isn't sustainable. The second they reveal need or that they struggle, people walk away or victim blame them because it’s easier than taking them seriously.

While MC's attempts may be a little more obvious (cherishing his lily field, wearing the hair pin he gave her, careful about his gruesome injury, really listens when he talks about the horrors of his life and accepts that he experienced a level of agony/terror she can never understand, tries to express her feelings no matter his evasion) I think it's also important to consider Comte's large scale effort. I don't say this to undermine MC, I say it because Jeanne's life was defined by a complete lack of security. He left his parents to make their lives easier, he lived in a war that meant life or death any second, and his country's leader branded him a traitor which lead to his endless torture and public execution. Jeanne does not know a life in which safety is the norm. Point blank. He does not understanding going outside and not expecting the worst anymore.

Comte not only understands that level of despair, but treats it with dignity and respect. He fully accepts being hated if it means Jeanne can use that hatred to live on and find a way to heal. And most importantly, when Jeanne begins to move forward with MC and Mozart's help, Comte never once holds it against Jeanne when the truth is revealed. He's not angry, this isn't about reprisal or reparations or revenge. It's just love.

Jeanne doesn't really have a concept of this? His entire life was mostly transactional, defined by strength and efficiency. Nobody gives a damn about your feelings. You either hurl yourself at the problem or die. Nobody is going to help you or carry you or save you. While he may have had a little more support while he was in the military from his fellow soldiers, that support system was ripped away from him during the Inquisition.

One very common sentiment regarding elongated imprisonment and torture is that survival occurs in pairs. It is an undeniable fact that people need others to survive. It is the nature of who we are. Individualism has never proven to be successful, or if it is, its dividends are astronomically minimal when compared to people working together.

What does it mean to be the most reliable, steady person in the room? Usually it just means you don't know how to ask for help when you are no longer capable of maintaining that stance. Napoleon is guilty of it. Leonardo, Comte, and Jeanne all are too. It's part of why MC and Comte's capacity to see what he needs and provide as much as they can is such a big deal. That sort of consistent support (without a constant necessity to beg for help) allows Jeanne to be able to re-integrate into his new reality and find joy. Even if his nightmares and memories never go away, they are now being actively overrun by positive experiences. That's the thing about recovery, really--it tends to be more about drowning out the negative as much as possible and coming to terms with it, than it is about forgetting or never feeling it again. It’s about softening the sharp edges of pain like sea glass.

So is MC magical and randomly got Jeanne to open up? Nah, I don't think so. I think it was a series of persistence and real acceptance of who he is that made him warm up. People really seem to underestimate how deeply affecting understanding is, but that's how damage is undone. Jeanne can't really linger on the idea of his own monstrousness, his unworthiness, a lifetime of misery, when the person in front of him actively listens and cares about him. Makes him laugh and smile and lose himself in warmth for the first time.

If I'm honest, I feel like people also just...underestimate the level of traumatic resurgence that's perpetuated and inflicted by society’s standards in general lmao. This rhetorical structure in which good and bad exist in moral extremes, this idea that people should be able to recover and never experience relapses or periods of sensitivity. The refusal to radically listen to people and their problems, and make active attempts--not matter how small--to mend/ease those hurt feelings. Granted there will always be people in the world who do not want to improve, but I feel like most people want to. It's hopelessness, silence, and stigmatization that remain the true enemies of traumatized/mentally ill people everywhere. And among that population are always war veterans...

[darkshrimpemotions]

28 Days of Grimm, Day 6

Most Badass Villain: Jujubiest

I really feel like in some ways, Grimm is Juliette's origin story. Whether that's a villain origin story or not depends on your perspective, but plenty of fans put her in that box long before she actually fit it simply because she committed the cardinal sin of being a love interest who had thoughts, goals, desires, and feelings that weren't 100% about propping up the white male protagonist's ego and validating all of his choices. Even though she rarely acted on them.

Juliette went through more betrayal, suffering, and evolution than any other character on the show, and she did the hardest parts almost entirely alone. From being lied to and gaslit for years by the man who claimed to love her, to having all her friends desert her and turn on her when she needed them most, to being brainwashed and robbed of her emotions, to being given those emotions back when she wasn't sure she wanted them. Juliette's mind, body, and agency were violated again and again, often by people she called friends.

And that's what makes her descent into villainy in season 4 so compelling to me. Juliette as a hexenbiest doesn't just lash out at random. Every destructive act is purposeful, targeted. All of it was a way of exorcising the pain she feels over being lied to, gaslit, used, betrayed, attacked, and abandoned, over and over and over again, for the sake of Nick's journey as a grimm. She rocked Team Grimm to their core, and in some ways she was a much-needed wake-up call for Nick that I wish the show had explored more than just with one speech made by Rosalee.

She goes after the trailer because it's the symbolic source of all her problems: the day that thing appeared in her yard was the day her happy, relatively peaceful life with Nick was over. She targets Monroe and Rosalee because they're the first Wesen friends Nick made, and were key players in keeping her in the dark as long as she was. She targets Adalind...well, do I really need to even explain that one?

I'm not saying the things Juliette did as a hexenbiest were right, or good. But they are understandable to me. For years I watched her quash her anger, set her pain aside, forgive the unforgivable, and ignore her own needs in favor of being there for her friends and her boyfriend and what they all needed. And I was screaming on the inside "WHY AREN'T YOU ANGRY?!"

That level of selflessness is not sustainable, nor is it healthy. Something was bound to break eventually. It's just luck (and maybe karma on Nick's part) that what becoming a hexenbiest broke was her bullshit tolerance and not her spirit.

I felt vindicated watching Juliette on her rampage. I did a fist-pump when she laughed in Nick's face after he tried to use "I love you" to solve all their problems. She was finally letting herself be angry for years of being last priority and last to know and first to make a sacrifice. And though the romantic in me was heartbroken watching all her sweetness and selflessness turn to violence and rage, a much bigger part of me was nodding and saying "good for her."

[bisluthq]

Anons are so incredibly contradictory, first Joe's going to catch his big break and leave Taylor because he will no longer want to be Mr. Swift and then we jump to how he may already want to leave because his life doesn't orbit around hers. Give me a fucking break. 1) Joe isn't Mr. Taylor Swift...he is making a name for himself on his own merits and Taylor is right there supporting him and she has been since practically day fucking one. The only fools who see him as Mr Swift are weird fans and tabloid. The media outlets who take actors and film seriously don't give a fuck who he's dating and I think they are the only ones that matter to Joe. Yes.. he wants to be a famous actor, but I don't think he has any desire to be a famous celebrity. And this bullshit take that he'll get famous and dump her is disgusting and if that happens, then he's an ass. If they break up for reasons beyond his success, ok, but if he dumps her simply because his star rises and he's suddenly ashamed to be with her....then fuck him honesty. And as far as "she follows him everywhere", well guess what, most actor's partners follow them around whenever it's possible. It's what couples do. How many actors/artists have we heard talk about having a set number of days/weeks they allow themselves to be separated? MOST actually. And is the fact that Joe chose to quarantine in the US at the start of the pandemic not proof HE INFACT DOES PUT HER FIRST AT TIMES? You all do realize that to maintain a healthy and happy relationship, you must make sacrifices and you must work together to meet each others needs and goals. I don't 100% know anything because I'm not Taylor or Joe, but it appears from the outside that they work very hard to do exactly this. Besides, any relationship can go to shit, but if you have even an ounce of human compassion, I'd think that you'd wish for happily ever after not a damn heartbreak where families, friends, etc will all be impacted...I mean they've been together for 5 years, not 5 months.

Rant over... sorry not sorry.

👏🏻👏🏻

[voliyu]

An Interview with Fu Hua's CV( Miss Mace )

Mace, a seiyuu of HI3 V4.6"Unequaled Unrivaled" , has a variety of different styles of voice, and is well known by the majority of captains as the seiyuu of the popular character Fu Hua in "Honkai Impact 3". 

"I like dubbing, food, sleeping and posting beautiful girls, and I also do some modeling work and live streaming."

Seiyuu: Fu Hua (HI3rd) Fischl , Albedo (GI)

Hello everyone, this is Moonlight Sauce.  Recently, the animated short film "Duchen"(Shattered Samsara) was launched, and Fu Hua will also celebrate hers birthday next week. We are honored to invite the class monitor’s voice actress to be our guest again. Let us applaud~Teacher Ma!

*Hello everyone, I am Mace or you can call me teacher Ma or Little Ma~*

Q: I heard that Teacher Ma is a veteran member of voice acting. Why did you think about becoming a voice actor?

Mace: It was probably when I was at school, the teacher praised me for reading the text well, hahaha, and then I have been a in small broadcasting at the school radio station hahahahahaha.  Later, at the age of thirteen or fourteen, I loved reading novels, and listened to radio dramas. Finally, I wanted to try online dubbing by myself~ I met some seniors and friends on the Internet. After graduating from high school, I was called to audition by Laiqi, whom I met by chance, just like this, slowly embarked on the road of voice actors~

Q: It's great to be able to fulfill your childhood dreams!

Q: Speaking of which, the captains of Honkai 3 would have known Teacher Ma through Fu Hua, so how did you get this role in the first place?

Mace: Each role is determined through auditions~ It may be that the voice is more suitable (maybe luck), in short, I am very grateful to the project team for choosing me TAT. I seemed to be still in my sophomore year. A very young newcomer, thank you Ah Fu for accompanying me to grow up over the years.

Q: Although Fu Hua version 2.0 was officially installed, the 1.1 version chronicles chapter Xuanyuan sword you has already appeared in the game, and she can be regarded as an official playable character. Has Teacher Ma any particularly impressive lines in the past four years?

Mace: "Major Himeko, let me guide the task this time" is the first Fu Hua's voice recorded during the audition. This is the first time I know her!

Q: As Fu Hua’s voice actress, does Teacher Ma have any views on the character?

Mace: When I first met Fu Hua, everyone and i had similar impressions of her, a little dull, serious and very reliable.  But afterwards, the feelings for Fu Hua became more and more complicated. In the honkai world, she was firm and strong. As long as she was there, we would feel at ease; but all her friends would always leave her, and the memories would be needed give up in order to stay awake.  She is an immortal who exists only for guardianship, she hardly reveals her own thoughts, and rarely has contact with others.  As one of her few friends, the captain naturally feels very distressed TAT

Q: You really speaks out for all the captains.

Q: Regarding the Herrscher of Sentience, everyone seems to treat her as an independent character different from Fu Hua. What does Teacher Ma think of her?

Mace: In the script, when we first saw the herrscher, it was the beginning of Chapter 20. At that time, she hadn't become the herrscher of Sentience yet. The impression of her should be strange: what she did is very different from that of Fu Hua, but she feels herself is Fu Hua.  Now I think she is a child, with a very cute side, she firmly believe that what she do is right, and she also hope that others will admit that she is a good person. I really like her self-confidence and easygoing~

Q: If you think about it carefully, there was a big difference between the tone of the Herrscher of Sentience and Fu Hua. Has Teacher Ma encountered any difficulties during the dubbing process?

Mace: The most recent challenge should be the combat voice of the HoS. In addition to the weapon box, she has a total of four weapons. Each weapon has basic attack combos and branch attacks. The basic attack combos of several weapons are probably separate.  Under 6-8, we will give 3 versions as alternatives or replacements for every breath.  It's very difficult, the combination of prefixes is too difficult to think about! We have used most of the ones that can be used. It is not surprising that it is not easy to think of something new.

Q: Teacher Ma is also a veteran captain. Do you have any stories you like or impress?

Mace: If it is only to Fu Hua, it would be the farewell of Fuxi and Nuwa. At that time, I really felt sorry for her TAT.

Mace: If it's other character relates to Fu Hua, it’s definitely the last lesson. When dubbing, there is a sense of immersive feeling: "Major Himeko, gratitude for your lessons. Perhaps fate will let our paths cross again in the future..."

Q: Mihoyo is really good at breaking our hearts.

Q: Teacher Ma often uses Fu hua characters when playing HI3, right? Which battle suit do you like best?

Mace: Shadow knight~ When I was very very playing the game so hard(and also very good at the same time), she made me feel as if I might not be so good!

( I'm invincible now )

Q: Fu Hua's long life can be divided into several stages. Which period does Teacher Ma like best?

Mace: In the previou era, she had made good friends, she had noodles.  She was happy and free during that time.  There was no honkai, no sacrifice, no mission, and it’s great to be able to joking with friends easily and be an ordinary girl.

Q: Regarding the recently launched animated short film "Duchen"(Shattered Samsara), many captains were emotional after watching it. Does Miss, Ma have similar feelings?

Mace: Kiana has grown up, I'm so happy to see Fu Hua's journeys along the way, Also I was happy and sad and plus with Rubia song, QAQ crying~~~~ I'm so fortunate to participate in such an excellent work.

Q: The last part is still the usual question: If there is a chance to cross Fu Hua's side, what era would Teacher Ma want to go to and what would you want to say to Fu Hua?

Mace: I would say, after the little book die?  But after thinking about it, it doesn't matter. I want to say something to her and stay with her for a while. I don’t know when I would leave her again. It’s too cruel... It’s also good to know her in Hyperion as a captain. I don’t know where our story will go, but I Will always love her.

Q: The story of Fu Hua and the Herrscher of Sentience has come to conclusions here, Teacher Ma, could you give some blessings words for them please~

Mace: I hope Ah Fu is healthy, happy, and spends more time taking care of herself; I hope my little herrscher can resist the honkai and be recognized by everyone, and mommy loves you!  No matter where you go, you have your place on my bridge!

Q: The interview is coming to an end. Is there anything Teacher Ma wants to say to everyone?

Mace: Thank you everyone for loving and supporting Ah Fu, and Little Ma~ I wish you Happy Chinese New Year every one!

(it's not 100% accurate but hope you enjoy~)

[thewritepages]

The Diary of the Older Collegiate (#TheFreshman Series) (2)

Synopsis : Annabelle Green is somewhat in a situation no thirty year woman would want to find herself in : (Un) Happily divorced, childless and with a job worth peanuts and migraine. The downward spiral of her life doesn't seem to end anytime soon until her sister reminds her of her most cherished dream.

College.

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

MAY 10, 2019

3.30 A.M.

----------------------------------------------------

Maybe Kat was right- A few days away has done me good.

I've actually stopped bawling every ten minutes. I have even managed to sleep for five hours straight last night, which is a significant improvement.

My family members quickly realized that I had to no intention to talk about the disastrous interview or about my estranged husband. Instead, they've tried distracting me with all sorts of things-

Mum: "Anna, darling, come here and help us with the gardening."

Me: "Who's the other person in the 'we'?"

Kat: (appearing out of nowhere) "That would be me."

Me: "Okay, fine. Wait...Mum. Didn't you complain of knee pain? You may have arthritis! You need to stop exerting yourself."

Mum: "Oh, Anna, really, it isn't so bad-"

Me: "And you, Kat, what do you think you're doing here? Without GLOVES?? You may develop toxoplasmosis! Do you know how toxic-"

Kat: (rolling her eyes) "Oh, now enough already Miss Know-It-All. I was going to wear them! Would you please-"

Me: "On second thoughts, gloves won't suffice. According to Youronlinegynac.com, You have to make sure you wear long sleeve blouses, long trousers, rain boots and a mask, for good measure."

Mum: "Anna-"

Me: "Plus, you're carrying twins for heaven's sake. Don't you ever read pregnancy articles? You must give your back as much rest as possible-"

Kat: "I JUST GOT OUT OF BED-"

Me: "Back to you, Mum. The morning sun is not very good for your aging skin. I think-"

Kat: "You know what, Anna? Never mind about us. You should probably go back to sleep."

Jeez, so much for being considerate.

So, yeah. That's what I've been the entire week – Eat, Read and Watch Movies. Sometimes, Kat pops in to chat but storms away ten minutes later claiming that my "Ridiculous Internet Articles" exasperates her. I completely fail to understand why she gets so agitated about it. The other day when I told her all about Kim K's regime for fighting flabby abdomen and about her extremely shapely hips despite having four kids, all she did was glare at me for a full minute and then stomps away.

Must be the hormones.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MAY 11, 2019

3.30 A.M.

----------------------------------------------------

IT'S DEFINITELY THE HORMONES.

I MEAN, HOW COULD SHE - I WOULD NEVER – IT'S JUST IMPOSSIBLE –

Calm down, Anna. Deep breaths. In and out. In and out.

Okay... let's just rewind all that.

About two hours ago, I was just roaming around the house, munching on Pop Tarts, having nothing else to do with sleep permanently erased from my mind. Passing through the corridor, I suddenly spotted the narrow staircase leading up to the attic.

Deciding to go check out the old stuff stashed up there, I climbed up the rickety staircase, opening up the dusty wooden door. As I rifled through old furniture and documents, a familiar cardboard box caught my eye. It was labeled "ANNA'S STUFF. DO NOT TOUCH." In my old scrawly handwriting. As my gaze lingers on the label, memories seep into my mind. Why did I skip college? Why did I leave town? Why did I sacrifice everything...for him?

With shaky hands, I open the box.

The box was filled with dozens of college applications, unfinished application essays and my high school books. I touched the frayed sheets, decaying with years, wondering how life would have been, if I had just taken the chance.

"Anna! What happened? " Kat dropped down beside me, breathing heavily.

"Kat! Why did you come up here? The latest article in the Mom-to-be e-magazine says that –"

"Oh, will you just stop with your goddamn articles and tell me what the hell is wrong? Why are you crying?" Her gaze shifted to the box.

"What's in that?"

I quickly closed the lid. "Nothing, nothing. I'm just being my usual pathetic self, I guess." I wiped my cheeks hastily.

"Aw. C'mere, Annie." She opens her arms wide, offering comfort. I accepted it gratefully.

"Okay. Now tell me what's wrong."

Despite my state of weakness, I still found the strength to roll my eyes at her. "Really? You want me to tell you the messy details of my marriage, once again?"

"Oh lord, not that. I'm sick of hearing your big, sad story." I let out a sad chuckle. "The other reason for your misery. There's something else, I know it."

I sniffed. "How do you 'know'? "

"I just...know."

"Jeez, and I thought I was the weird one."

She broke away from the embrace and looked at me right in the eye.

"Now, will you stop deflecting the topic and tell me what the hell is wrong with you?"

I looked here and there for some distraction. A few moments later, I realized that I was trapped.

"It's nothing, really."

"I'll be the judge of that." She smiled kindly at me.

And that was it. I began to bawl like a two year old.

"I wish I never skipped college. I wish I never gave up on my dream. I wish I'd waited like you d-did. "I swallow the huge lump in my throat. "And you know what's the worst part? I gave up everything, for that...that bastard!" I threw my face in my lap, muffling my high decibel cry.

Kat, on the other hand, waits patiently. Ten minutes later, I sit up straight, staring at her with bloodshot eyes.

"So...no words of comfort or consolation?"

"Why is there a need for that when the solution is right in front of you?"

"What do you mean?"

Her face grows impatient. "You sound like you're eighty and lying on your deathbed or something. You have so much of life ahead of you, so many opportunities waiting for you."

I shake my head, still not getting the point.

All of the sudden, she grabs my face tightly and looks at me with happiness glimmering in her eyes.

"You wanted to attend college, right? Get a degree? Discover your talents? This is the moment, Anna! You can finally live your dream!"

I stare at her for a solid minute. And then I stare at her some more.

"Well?" she inquires.

"Me? Attend college? Now?"

She nods vigorously. "This is your chance, Anna. What's there to stop you?"

I blink. She blinks.

Suddenly, I explode into a full-fledged, insane laughter. I laugh and I laugh, till my cheeks hurt.

Kat waits again, calmly as ever. She appraises me grimly. "If you're done with the schizophrenic behavior, would you be kind enough to tell me what you found so funny about what I said?"

"What's funny about it? Seriously? I'll tell you what's funny." I stand in front of her. "Look at me. I'm a thirty year old divorced, childless woman with nothing to look forward to. I've spent my entire life listening to complaints, be it from my boss in office or from my husband back home. Now that my darling husband has got rid of me, I have to work extra shifts to pay the rent, the bills, everything."

"So what, Anna? This is what you've always wanted to do. You are an intelligent, young"- I snorted-"independent woman, as far as I've seen you. You deserve a fun college experience, even if you think you're twelve years late for it."

"Well, sorry to burst your bubble, Kat, but I really am twelve years too late to apply. And anyway, which college will be willing to take me in?"

"Any college would be lucky to have you, Annabelle Green. Just you wait and watch." She strides out of the attic, determined and excited.

Oh, well. Now that I think of it, all of this was probably a part of the mood swings she goes through. I bet she'll forget all of this by breakfast time.

Yeah, nothing to worry about.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N :

Hi there, thank you for taking the time to read my new diary styled new ChickLit series:

"The Diaries of an Older Collegiate"(#TheFreshman).

If this chapter ignited an interest for this series, please let me know by reblogging or sending me a message. It helps a lot and keeps me motivated. Till then stay healthy :)

Love and Kisses,

D <3

[reikiangeltherapymedium]

Card of the Day from the "Psychic Tarot" by John Holland.

Card of the Day: #3 "Fertility"

Through this card, the manifestation of growth is on the horizon. You're the creator, and the seeds that have been planted in the past- whether they were happiness, comfort, abundance, prosperity, family, children, ideas, or even thoughts- are now ready to give birth into your world. Be patient as you watch your seeds take root and grow. Nurture them as they become strong and healthy.

Open yourself to the life force of the Universe. This card also represents femininity and Mother Earth, who is calling to you. The arms of her beauty are reaching out; she wants to embrace you on her seashores, mountains, forests, and gardens- go to her and meet her halfway. Acknowledge that the same energy that makes up the heavens, earth, plants, animals, and mineral kingdom is also part of you. Start nurturing yourself, and infuse your soul with love and compassion. Soon others will see and feel your devotion.

As you interact with others around you now, or even if you're in the midst of solving a problem, use gentle care and kindness as you handle such situations. This isn't a time for you to be inconsiderate, possessive, domineering, forceful, or pushy. Act from the loving space of your heart center. The benevolent energy that resides there will assist you in making sacrifices in order to care for and help others, as well as yourself.

Traditional Tarot Archetype: The Empress

"The Empress" III She is the third Major Arcana card in the traditional Tarot deck. She symbolizes Birth, Abundance, Protection, Motherhood, Creativity, and Femininity.

Congratulations! You're expecting! The Empress is an announcement for new birth in your life. This doesn't necessarily mean a new baby. It could be the birth of a new idea or opportunity. The Empress card is an icon for new creations. She indicates we are in line to receive the fruits of our labor. The Empress also represents motherhood and feminine influence. She reminds us to nurture and protect that which is helpless or in need of nurturing or support. This could be as simple as giving your child a gesture of comfort, or as grand as becoming an activist for global preservation.

When contemplating the meaning of The Empress, ask yourself: -How can I nurture myself and others more? -What are my feelings about motherhood? -What can I do to assist a new birth in my life? -How can I connect with Mother Nature in a profound way?

The Empress says: "There is a season for all things. I'm a reminder that promise and bounty is available to you even when everything appears bleak and barren. Nurture yourself and others by giving thanks for blessings. Expect renewal and love to bloom in your life."

Core meaning for The Empress card upright:

The Empress is perfectly comfortable with her responsibilities as a caregiver, guardian, and ruler. She is a role model, and she beckons us to embrace the role of protecting the sanctity of life in this world.

Additional upright meanings for this card:

Love- This is a blossoming and fruitful time for you and your partner. It may also be a time to contemplate starting a new family, or new creative venture with your mate.

Money- You have worked hard on your financial situation. You've been saving, or planning for better monetary return. Now you're going to see the payoff.

Career- This is a prime time to start new projects and take on new responsibility at work. You're going to experience heightened creativity. Act on your ideas with authority and confidence.

Family- Expect a new addition to your family. It could be a baby, or maybe even a new puppy. It might even signal the 'ok' to build a new addition to your family home.

Core meaning for The Empress card in reverse: It's confounding! You've put in the time and made the effort, but it seems your hard work isn't paying off. There are some blockages you need to clear out before you see the results you want.

Additional reverse meanings for this card:

Love- Look around you! There is so much to love and cherish, but you're not paying attention. You may also be ignoring the affections of an admirer.

Money- Your financial flow feels like it's running upstream. No amount of brute force is going to switch those streams. The best course of action is to give thanks for what you have, and wait out the financial drought.

Career- You might be 'in your head' too much at work, and overcomplicating things. Consider employing a simple, basic, tired-and-true approach.

Family- You may be experiencing 'empty nest' syndrome right now. Perhaps a child has moved out of the home, or the hope of familial achievement was not fulfilled. The sense of emptiness will pass.

[thewahookid]

Vicka speaking on 12/03/14

J.M.J

St. John Damascene

Dear Family of Mary!

Yesterday, Mary TV filmed Vicka speaking to pilgrims at the orphanage, as she usually does! Here is the transcript of her beautiful talk so expertly translated by Miki Musa. Her words give peace!

December 3, 2014 talk by Vicka in Medjugorje

(Vicka spoke for 24 minutes....and then prayed in silence with everyone for more than 25 minutes)

First of all I would like to greet all of you. I'm very happy to be standing among you here.... But I'm even happier that with all my heart and all my love I can share with you Our Lady's main messages that she has been giving to all of us. Our Lady's main messages are: prayer, peace, conversion, confession and fasting. And Our Lady recommends to us to pray every day all three parts of the Rosary and fasting on every Wednesday and Friday on bread and water. But a beautiful thing Our Lady invites us to pray for is to pray for our strong faith.

When Our Lady recommends us to pray she doesn't want us to just say the words, to move our lips. Our Lady would like for us from day to day to open our hearts so that the prayer can really become a joy for us and that we may succeed to pray with the heart.

Our Lady gave us a beautiful example and she says: "All of you in your homes have a flower pot, and if every day you put just a few drops of water into this flower, you will see it grow and become a beautiful rose." Well, the same example is with our heart. If we put a few drops of prayer in our hearts every day we'll see it growing becoming just as beautiful as that rose. And if just for a few days we don't put the water in for this flower, we will see it vanishing as if it never existed before.

Our Lady says it may happen to us very often, when the time of the prayer arrives that we say, "I'm tired, I can't pray, I'll pray tomorrow." Then when tomorrow comes we find another excuse. So then day by day we distance ourselves from prayer and our hearts gets influenced only from a bad side. But Our Lady said the same as a flower cannot live without water, we cannot live without God's grace. And Our Lady says that prayer with the heart you cannot read, write or study. Prayer with the heart you can only live in order to be able to go forward day by day.

Talking about fasting, Our Lady says those people who are sick, they do not have to fast on bread and water, but those two days a week they can give up something they like the most. But when healthy people complain about headaches, stomachaches or find different kinds of excuses not to fast, Our Lady says: "If you do fasting out of love towards God me, there is only one thing really missing, and that would be your own strong will."

Our Lady invites us to our total, complete conversion, and she says: "Dear children, whenever you have a problem or an illness, in those moments all of you think that Jesus and I are far away from you." But Our Lady says, "No: we are always very close to you! But you, open your heart. And then you will be able to see how much we love you!"

Our Lady would like us to do a little sacrifice. But she would be most content if we would give up sinning, and not sin anymore. And Our Lady says, "I'm giving you my peace and my love. And you bring it to your families, to your friends." Our Lady gives the blessing to all of us and she prays for all of us.

But Our Lady says, "I will be happier to see you in your families, in your communities, praying the rosary together. Especially to see parents praying with their children, children praying with their parents. Because united in a prayer like this, Satan cannot do any harm to you."

Our Lady says Satan always tries to disturb us. Satan wants to destroy our prayers and our peace. Therefore Our Lady invites us to pray a little bit more. And the best weapon we have is the Rosary in our hands against Satan. Therefore Our Lady recommends us to have with us always a little blessed religious article... whether it's a little medal, a little cross, a little something to help resist Satan better.

Our Lady recommends us to put the Holy Mass in the first place, because that's the most important, the holy moment, because it is at the Holy Mass that the living Jesus comes among us. Therefore Our Lady would like from us when we go to Church to accept Jesus without any fear, without any excuse.

Our Lady recommends to us once a month holy Confession and she says: "Do not go to confession only because you have a sin. But go to confession in order to ask an advice from your priest who can help you to go one step forward."

And Our Lady is so preoccupied for all the young people in the world. Because young people are going through a very, very difficult time. And we can help them, but only with our love and prayer with the heart.... And Our Lady says: "Dear young people, what today's world is offering to you is passing, is of a passing value." Through this we can see that Satan is trying to use every free moment we have wanting to destroy us. And today obviously working through young people wanting to divide our families.

But Our Lady says these moments are moments of great graces. Our Lady would like us to accept her messages and to live them. Our Lady would like from us to be the carriers of her peace and to pray for the peace in the entire world. But in the first place Our Lady invites us to pray for the peace in our own hearts. And then for peace in our families, in our communities, and then with that peace to pray for the peace in the entire world. And Our Lady says if you pray for peace in the world and you have no peace in your own heart, that prayer doesn't go that well....

Even in this very moment Our Lady invites us to pray a little bit more, to pray for her intentions, for her plans. To take the Holy Bible every day, to read that and to try to live that during the day. Our Lady invites us to pray for the Holy Father, the Pope, for our bishops for our priests. In fact she invites us to pray for our entire church - it is in need of our prayers.

In a special way Our Lady invites us to pray for one of her plans that is supposed to be fulfilled; realized. But especially recently Our Lady is so much preoccupied - what she's is suffering for - when she talks about our young people and our families that are going through a very, very difficult time.

Our Lady says she prays for peace. Therefore Our Lady asks us to pray for the same intentions - to help her with our prayers. Even tonight when Our Lady comes to me [Vicka says] I will recommend all of you, pray for all of you - your intentions, your families, but you, also, at 5:40 pm*, you pray, open your heart, and you present to Our Lady all of this.

I believe that many of you know that Jacov and I received this beautiful gift - this beautiful grace - that during an apparition Our Lady took us by the hand in order to show us paradise, purgatory and hell. In those three spots we stayed twenty minutes.

We were in Jakov's family home. Our Lady appeared and she said, "Now I will take you with me!" At that very moment little Jakov said, "Our Lady, take Vicka! She has many brothers and sisters. I'm the only one in the family!" Jakov thought they were leaving and never, ever coming back again. Personally [Vicka says] I thought in that moment, how many hours, how many days, are we going to go up or down? But Our Lady simply took my right hand, Jakov's left hand. She was in front of us and she took us with her. A ceiling opened above us just enough for us to be able to go through it. Practically within a second we found ourselves in Paradise.

It was enormous space. And I saw a kind of light that doesn't exist here on earth. And I saw a lot of people, and all of them more or less the same...no fat, no thin, and they had all three colors of their dresses, grey, yellow and rose....all of them walking around, singing, praying, and little angels flying over. And Our Lady said, "Look at how joyful, how content are all these who are in paradise - joy that you cannot explain with words...joy that doesn't exist here on earth."

Purgatory is also an enormous space. But in Purgatory you cannot see persons because of the dense fog. But you can feel and hear that there are people who are inside who are suffering. Our Lady said, "Those who are in Purgatory are waiting for our prayers to be able to go to Paradise."

The first thing that I saw in Hell was a big fire. Then I saw normal people entering in the fire. And the deeper they were going into fire they were being transformed into wild beasts and they would curse more and more against God. Our Lady said, "Those who are in Hell, they ended up there according to their own will. So all these people living on earth doing everything against God, they are already experiencing Hell, they just continue when they die." And Our Lady said there are many people who live on earth who believe that once you die everything is over. Our Lady says that's a big mistake because here on earth we are just passing through, but the true life continues.

I know that everyone of us here came with different issues, problems, difficulties....but most of all those people who are sick.... [Vicka said]: I would like you to know that every evening when Our Lady comes my first words addressed to her are always for and about those people who are sick, praying that God through Our Lady can give them strength to be able to endure that gift of the cross they were given - but to carry that with love.

Now [Vicka says] we will remain united in a silent prayer. So please remain silent. That's very important. Our Lady has said silence can do so many beautiful, great things. Do not be afraid of silence! Especially, recently, Our Lady said that we people of today talk too much and we do not pray enough. And Our Lady would like for us to change this attitude, and to start to pray more and to talk less.

If during the silent prayer you hear someone shouting, screaming, yelling, whatever, trying to disturb - do not pay attention to it. Be focused in your prayer. Because with our prayer in silence we can defeat any possible evil that might be circling around...And after this silent prayer we'll finish our meeting with one Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be for all your intentions....

*You can do as Vicka asks also by joining in Silent prayer at <www.marytv.tv> with those praying in Medjugorje as the bells of St. James ring during the time of Our Lady's apparition...

May we learn to pray with the heart, like Vicka, by doing it!

In Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Cathy Nolan

(c)Mary TV 2014

PS. The Video of Vicka's talk is on the home page at www.marytv.tv

[bluewatsons]

Ross Kessel, One of Us (Review), 97 J R Soc Med 603 (2004)

'Those whom we call monsters are not so to God.'— Michel de Montaigne, Essays [c1580]

'Conjoined twins are born to be separated.'— Anonymous contemporary surgeon

Anatomy matters. Indeed, as Alice Domurat Dreger reminds us right at the beginning of One of Us,1 a book filled with warmth, humour and unexpected insights, we probably have all at some time or other wished to change our own anatomy or that of our children. We would like to be more like other people; or how we really are on the inside. Our noses are too big, teeth protrude, ears stick out; our tummies need tucking, breasts enlarging, eyes reshaping. Or perhaps we just want to change the way our hair curls—or doesn't—or our skin looks. And because we expect medicine to cure all our ills, it is to doctors that we turn. After all, if our defects were corrected we would not only be better individuals but better members of society too. And setting aside concerns about the allocation of resources, why wouldn't the profession agree?

Quite so! The troubles begin when we, specifically surgeons, wish to decide for others what changes to their anatomies ought to be made. For make no mistake, when it comes to the more obvious anatomical anomalies it is very largely the profession that decides not only the acceptable limits of the normal but also what should be done to ensure that individuals conform as far as is possible to those norms. Nowhere is this demonstrated more clearly than in the surgical management of intersex (the conditions once grouped under the rubric of hermaphroditism), the subject of Dreger's earlier study Hermaphrodites and the Medical Invention of Sex.2 After all, who else can tell the parents of those 'unfortunates' born with ambiguous genitalia what can be done to make their children conform to one gender or the other—or nearly so? Starting from the conviction that no child with intersexed anatomy could ever grow up to become healthy and happy, it becomes plain that it would be positively cruel to leave the child's anatomy intact. This despite the wealth of evidence that, until about 50 years ago, when normalizing surgery for children with intersex conditions became increasingly common, many of these individuals were known to have done well both socially and psychologically.

In One of Us Dreger returns to these issues as they are raised by the existence of the rarer, but more visible and dramatic, case of conjoined twinning—a condition for which surgery became a treatment option at about the same time as it did for intersex cases and where many of the same assumptions are held. Namely, that no conjoined twin could possibly grow up to be content with his or her lot and therefore surgical separation of such twins should be attempted even if it will inevitably lead to the death of one. By studying their history, by letting twins and their parents tell their own stories, and by perceptive analysis Dreger sets out to examine, and indeed to a great extent to answer, two fundamental questions. First, exactly how abnormal, unhealthy and unhappy are those twins who for anatomical or other reasons have grown up still joined, i.e., what is the database underlying the surgical premise? And second, if separation during infancy is to be considered, what are the data that parents need if they are to give informed consent? Of course there are obvious benefits from normalization, but surely parents need to be clearer as to the potential costs as well as the benefits of their various options.

As to the wellbeing of the conjoined, Dreger's book introduces us to twenty or so pairs; some from history, others still living. Many became old enough to be communicating individuals, whether children or adults, and with one exception they seem not only to accept their situations but even to relish them. All come across as individuals with their own personalities and idiosyncrasies. We meet the Bunkers, the original Siamese Twins, who married two sisters, had respectively ten and twelve children, were successful farmers and were mourned as respected members of their North Carolina community when they died at the age of sixty-two. In a charming family snapshot we see Abigail and Brittany Hensel, six-year-old dicephalic twins with an essentially singleton's body, joyfully romping with their mother and older brother. (Incidentally, Harvard University Press should be ashamed of the printing quality of the book's illustrations.) The Cady girls learned to walk, dance and rollerskate; the McCarthers were popular in high school and in later life; and Lori and Reba Schappell, who are known to many through Ellen Weissbrod's film Face to Face, have day-to-day lives that seem positively ordinary. None would want to be separated, nor indeed would any of those who we meet in this book—with the exception of Laden and Laleh Bijani, those obviously happy and well-adjusted university graduates who travelled the world looking for a surgeon who would separate them, knew clearly the risks they were running and died in the attempt. So much for the notion that conjoined lives are woeful, and that no-one could possibly wish to remain conjoined given the chance to be a singleton.

Of course the common response to all this would be to say 'well they would say that wouldn't they; they've never known what it's like to have a normal life and we can give them one—or at least a more normal one'. But these conjoineds' stories deserve to be better known. Indeed I suggest that we would be well advised to follow Priscilla Alderson's advice and regularly seek out the views and wishes of children,3 even very young children,4 when making important decisions concerning their fate. Sadly, parents faced with the decision of whether or not to subject their conjoined or intersexed children to surgery rarely, if ever, hear these stories. If they did they would be bound to ask not only what is going to happen to them in the weeks and months ahead but what will life be like in the years, even decades to come; with and without surgery. Perhaps the most shocking observation to come from Dreger's study is that, despite there being a substantial number of such operations annually, there is not a single satisfactory long-range follow-up study of children who have been separated. Indeed in some cases only short-term survival appears to be the criterion for assessment. The same seems true for intersex cases. A more cynical observer than Dreger might conclude that follow-up data are unavailable because they are unwanted.

In a chapter headed 'What Sacrifice', Dreger turns to just this question of outcomes; especially poor outcomes. The most tragic cases, of course, are those in which one twin is judged unable to survive surgery. To British readers probably the best known is the recent case of the three-month-old Attard twins whose parents refused to allow one to be killed in order to give the other a chance of survival. Both girls had functioning brains, each was developing a distinct personality and indeed both were judged to be 'reasonable creatures', but nevertheless the doctors and hospital sued to go ahead. If the results were not so tragic, the legal contortions of the four judges—with each providing different, and often conflicting, reasons for killing Rosie in order to give Gracie a chance of survival—would be risible. Many commentators have seen this case as an example of either the 'lifeboat problem' (is it justifiable for one dying sailor to kill another?) or the 'climber's problem' (is it permissible to cut the rope when your companion is pulling you over the edge?), but I believe with Dreger that the thread running through all four judgments is the notion that a conjoined life is an unworthy one. Most bizarre, at least to this reader, is Justice Ward's opinion that Rosie, the twin who was to die, had 'a full claim to the dignity of independence' even though obtaining this independence must kill her!

One of Us, however, succeeds in being much more than merely a telling of individuals' stories. As an historian, Dreger knows that medicine is practised in social settings that vary over time. Indeed her opening chapter places the conjoined within history (though not, and it is not her intention to do so, with the richness of either Leslie Fiedler5 or Armand Marie Leroi6). However, in a coda, 'Freeing the Irish Giant', Dreger dares hint that we may not after all be so different from our Victorian predecessors who invited the Siamese Twins, the Irish Giant, General Tom Thumb and others into their salons so as to peer at and ponder these 'Prodigies of Nature'. For it is a fact that the Royal College of Surgeons of England still gives the Irish Giant's skeleton pride of place despite knowing that his will directed that his entire fortune be spent on burial at sea precisely so as to ensure that his body would not fall into the hands of the anatomists! Dreger, however, seeks to look forward as well as back, and in a closing chapter suggests ways that the social context in which those with anomalous anatomies are viewed might be changed, just as the context has changed for other minorities; a task at least begun by the Hastings Center project Surgically Shaping Children7 to which she has herself contributed.

One of Us is an important and insightful book written with humour and compassion, and a book full of surprises. (I wonder if Mrs Thatcher would know the origin of the title.) This book is not a polemic. Alice Dreger is not seeking an end to separation surgery or surgery for the intersexed, nor even, if I read her right, saying that killing Rosie was necessarily unjustifiable. Rather what she seeks to do is to show us that people whose anatomies are very different from most of ours are nevertheless people. Her plea is that we learn more about their lives and how these can be altered for better or for worse by medicine. In this she echoes thoughts expressed almost thirty years ago by Leslie Fiedler when he wrote:

'... standing before Siamese Twins, the beholder sees them looking not only at each other, but—both at once—at him. And for an instant it may seem that he is a third brother, bound to the pair by an invisible bond; so that the distinction between we and them, normal and Freak, is revealed as an illusion, desperately, perhaps even necessarily, defended, but in the end untenable.'5

References

Dreger AD. One of Us: Conjoined Twins and the Future of Normal. Cambridge (Massachusetts): Harvard University Press, 2004. [198pp; ISBN 0-674-01294-1 (h/b); £14.99]

Dreger AD. Hermaphrodites and the Medical Invention of Sex. Cambridge (Massachusetts): Harvard University Press, 1998

Alderson P. Children's Consent to Surgery. Buckingham: Open University Press, 1993

Alderson P. The participation rights of premature babies. Int J Children's Rights (in press)

Fiedler L. Freaks: Myths and Images of the Secret Self. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1978

Leroi AM. Mutants: On the Form, Varieties and Errors of the Human Body. London: HarperCollins, 2003

Parens E, Asch A, eds. Prenatal Testing and Disability Rights. Georgetown (DC): Georgetown University Press, 2000