#out of time. Sometimes the good options all leave and you’re stuck with bad and worse. he did what no one else was willing to do to make the

[ziracona]

Finally! Vindication for my boy Anders.

[upon-a-starry-night]

Number Neighbors Pt.26

Natasha Romanoff x Fem! Reader

Natasha Masterlist Series Masterlist

Word Count: 1.3k

Summary:  When you catch sight of the newest trend going around you know you’re all but bound to at least try it, it was harmless anyway. What could possibly stem from something so little?

----

You’ve fully convinced yourself you’re in the ‘acceptance’ stage of whatever you’re going through. You’ve reduced the amount of times you text Nat from a few times a day to a few times a week, you let your friend drag you out some nights when the silence becomes a little too much.

 It reminds you of the nights you used to spend alone on your couch before you met Nat and you refuse to let yourself fall back into bad habits just because some girl won’t text you back. (Nat wasn’t just some girl but you couldn’t dwell on it for too long without an ache forming in your chest) Some moments though, you still find yourself sitting and staring at your phone as you contemplate all the reasons why Nat would have ghosted you. 

Your mother suggests visiting home for a while and you’re still considering that as an option- it would be nice to be in the comfort of your childhood home and have home-cooked meals every night but you didn’t know if you had enough vacation time saved up and you’re grateful for the distraction that your work provides you.

You’re doing various activities to distract yourself, and one of your new favorite hobbies is going to the market on the weekends, it’s full of people and energy and you always end up leaving with something delicious or homemade. And you definitely weren’t analyzing every single person there to see if they fit Nat’s description.

Sometimes you still find yourself leaving useless voicemails that are probably going unheard and piling up in Nat’s voicemail box but it eases the ache if you pretend you're on a call with her. 

Some mornings while making breakfast you just ramble about your week, you tell her about the new hire that you have to train, the kitten named Pancake at the cat cafe you’ve been visiting when you get lonely, the kind old lady at the marketplace who gives you extra honey sticks.

At night when the silence gets too loud you leave her softer voicemails, you tell her how you miss her dry humor, how you buy your favorite flower every week because it reminds you of when she bought you that bouquet. 

You’re crying a lot less now but even you can taste the longing dripping from your tongue, the questions that linger in every pause. Every so often after a glass of wine you’ll voice them and you don’t know if it’s anger or heartbreak in your voice-though you know it’s probably both. 

You tell yourself you’re being irrational and that you’re acting a little too obsessed but then you remember all the times Nat was there when you were at your lowest, and celebrating with you during your best and you conclude that it’s justified. The matter is only made worse when your best friend gets a boyfriend who is the definition of perfect.

You’re happy for her but watching them be so in love only digs the knife deeper into your gut, which is why you deny her offers to join them when you hang out, and when she offers to set you up on blind dates. You’re too in your head to start something with anyone new and you would hate to string them along when you’re still stuck up on Nat.

You change the subject when your friend questions just how close you were with Nat to be having such an intense reaction. You’d rather not think about the implications behind your heartache- it was dangerous territory.

~~

The marketplace is as busy as ever when you find yourself there on Saturday. You smile at the numerous families and cute dogs, some of whom you recognize as regulars, and stop to pet. If there was anything good that came out of your situation it was finding such a vibrant lively place to spend your weekends. You’d tried to drag your friend with you but she was going to meet her boyfriend's parents this weekend out of town and couldn’t make it. 

The weather is the perfect temperature for the first time in a while and you take note of the amount of people wearing sunhats and the couples hiding in the shade of the trees. You’re mostly browsing through the stalls, a few of the same ones are still here from past weeks but some new ones immediately draw your attention. 

You let yourself wander until you find yourself at a familiar stall, a smile gracing your face when you recognize the stall owner. 

“Y/n! How are you, sweetheart?” The little old lady is quickly becoming one of your favorite people to grace the earth with their presence- and it’s not just because she gives you extra honey sticks and bakes the best croissants you’ve ever had. Gladys is the kind of person who remembers every face she meets and genuinely cares about your well-being. She’s been one of the only other people taking care of you through your struggle and she’s never once judged you for how you feel.

“I’m doing better today Gladys, thank you. Much better now that I’m within reach of your croissants” The two of you laugh and she begins packing up your usual order, she throws in a pastry with berries and you give her an exasperated look “Gladys” You warn, but she just grins at you.

“What? They are made fresh using the fruit from that stall right there” She points behind you and you turn to see an old man waving in your direction. You smile and wave back before turning to Gladys again. She speaks before you’re able to refuse the pastry “You remind me of my grandbabies, let me spoil you, please. All of them have moved away and there’s no one to try my new recipes”

Unable to refuse after her explanation, you accept the free pastry and try to ignore it when she slips the extra honey sticks in your bag. After a few minutes of catching up you’re preparing to leave when Gladys pulls you in to whisper in your ear, a look of concern in her eyes.

“You ought to be careful honey, I think you’ve got a bit of a shadow” Your heart leaps as you look behind you and part of you is hopeful that you’ll see Nat behind you (not that you know what she looks like but you get the feeling you’ll just know when you see her). Instead, you find a man in a baseball cap and a mask over at the fruit stand. He’s wearing a green jacket and jeans and to most probably wouldn’t stand out in the busy market but you recognize the jacket from previous weekends when you were searching for Nat.

You turn to Gladys, fear edging its way into your voice “Has he been following me?” She gives you a solemn nod, telling you that he only arrived on the days you did and always keeps a close distance. You’re trying to convince yourself that maybe he just has the same schedule as you or likes the same stalls but Gladys is clearly concerned about him and anyone Gladys didn’t trust you wouldn’t trust either.

At that exact moment, the man turns around to look at you and icy blue eyes meet yours. For a second you’re worried it’s the man from the mugging coming back to exact revenge but you remember Nat telling you something about him being dealt with by authorities. 

You don’t know what you could have done to garner anyone’s attention but whether he was a shy admirer or a full-blown stalker you weren’t willing to ask and find out. You say a quick goodbye to Gladys and quickly make your way through the market, occasionally glancing back to see the man still at the fruit stall browsing items.

Sighing with relief, you consider the fact that maybe Gladys was wrong and you were just paranoid after what you’d experienced.

After all, no one had any reason to be following you so adamantly, right?

Pt.27

 A/n: I think Y/n is more in the ‘denial’ stage honestly (I know it's hard to wait but I don't want to rush the ending and have the story feel lackluster bc of it) ~ Starry

---Taglist--

@marvelwomen-simp @cd-4848 @wandanatlov3r @rebeltombraider @ctrlamira @fxckmiup @aliherreraaa @natsxwife @la-douler-ne-finite-jamais @romanoffsgal @moistblobfish @natashaswife4125 @elenimoris @how-to-disappearrr @screechcat @toouncreativeforausername @ordelixx @autorasexy @blacklightsposts @vmpnano @jono723 @sylencr @saraaahsstuff @autorasexy @gay4hotmilfs @tofu9162 @dyslexic-dreamer @graniairish @colettehope @kosmichs1 @nmhlver @natblidaclexa @skittlebum @dorabledewdroop @nothanksbye07 @mrsrushman @midastouch013 @thalia-is-not-ok @tessalah @annab3113

[beyondthesefourwalls]

Welcome To My Masterlist!

My name is Alli and I write sometimes.

Masterlist under the cut

✨Top Gun: Maverick✨

Series:

✨Bradley Bradshaw:

Remember You Even When I Don't: A training accident, the doctor had told him. A nasty one that led him here, laying in a hospital bed with a splitting headache and an inability to remember the woman sitting beside him. What he did know, though, was that you were the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and you felt important to him. That, as it turns out, would become an understatement. (completed)

The Forgotten Moments: A One Shot Collection: Before he had to remember you, Bradley got to experience the whirlwind that was meeting and falling in love with you (the first time).

All stories in the collection can be read independently, but will precede or coincide with Remember You Even When I Don't.

This Love Came Back to Me: You and Bradley hadn’t ended on bad terms; truly, you stopped before the two of you could even really begin. Still, in the last seven months, you had never completely left his mind. So when you suddenly appeared in front of him at the bar, asking for a favor and pulling him into a kiss, he thought maybe it was the perfect opportunity to see if this time, things could be different. But what neither of you realized was that there’s more going on than just rekindling a lost romance, and it might not be as easy as simply just wanting it. (completed)

One Shots:

✨ Bradley Bradshaw:

A Change to Everything: Marriage wasn’t an option for you. Bradley knew this and had promised you that what you had is and would always be enough for him. A few overpriced rings wouldn’t change that, so long as you promised to love him forever without one. But he buys you one anyway, and despite every promise you made to yourself, you wonder what it would be like if maybe, just maybe, you ever decided to put it on. 

What Goes Around (Comes Around): Bradley didn’t do relationships, and neither did you. The arrangement you had worked perfectly for ten years, getting together whenever your paths crossed. But after the two of you were stationed permanently on the same squad, suddenly what you have isn’t quite enough for him anymore. It’s not until a close call in the air that he finally gathers the courage to admit it. 

To Make a House a Home: House hunting in California was proving to be a challenge. Leave it to Bradley to manage to pull off the biggest surprise you’ve ever gotten. 

The Art of Subtlety: You were quiet, almost shy, but Bradley suspected there was more to you than meets the eye. When Jake claims that it’s impossible for a woman to successfully fake an orgasm, you prove him wrong (while proving Bradley absolutely right) right there in the middle of the Hard Deck. With his world tilted on its axis at your little display, he’s left wondering: why are you so good at faking it, and how would you really sound if he’s the one bringing you pleasure?

Dancing in the Dark: Bradley was never one for clubs. Flashing lights, dance remixes of the same four songs, and overpriced watered down drinks just weren’t his thing. But you had begged him so prettily to go with you that he couldn’t help but agree. It was exactly as bad as he thought it was going to be, but when he saw how irresistible you looked on the dance floor, he decided to get his revenge in a way that left both of you satisfied but wanting more. 

Clandestine Meetings: Bradley was coming home today. Six weeks on a no-contact deployment, stuck on a carrier in the middle of some non disclosed body of water, and he’s finally coming home. Normally, you’d be bursting at the seams with happy excitement. But the two of you had left things in an...interesting place. When he’s finally standing in front of you, you can tell by his cold and dark eyes that he remembers, too. But he’s had six weeks to think of exactly how you can earn his forgiveness, and you’re all too willing to do anything it takes. 

Keep It Undercover: You and Bradley had shared a few beautiful weeks together, years after first meeting. You had been content with leaving it as a beautiful, delicious memory; something that could have been, if the stars would have aligned. Only now he was stationed in Fightertown permanently, and while he didn’t know what exactly that meant for the two of you long term, he knew what he wanted. He didn’t care about your age or that you outranked him. After all, he had always liked his girls a little bit older. 

The Over/Under: Your friends insisted that the best way to get over someone was by getting under someone else. But you had been over your ex for a long time before you ever signed the papers, and you had no intention on hooking up with anyone. Then an attractive man with a mustache that really shouldn't look as good as it does catches your eye, and you suddenly forgot why you were hesitant in the first place.

✨Javy Machado:

I Don't Love You Like I Used To: After so many years with you, Javy Machado doesn't love you like he used to. He loves you so much more. For roosterforme's #love is in the air tgm Writing Challenge!

The Double Negative Effect: Javy knows deep down after he goes into G-LOC that he’s not going to be selected for the mission. He goes to a bar on his own to drink away some of his sorrows, and while he’s there, he meets someone who is having just as rough of a time as he is. Misery loves company, and together, they cancel out the bad day the other is having, replacing it with a night they’ll remember for all the right reasons. 

And I Want To Make Her Mine: Javy thought it was too good to be true when he saw you, the girl he had crushed on for almost a year, standing in the Hard Deck. But there you were, looking just as beautiful as you always had. He thought maybe he’d finally get his chance with you after all this time. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only one whose attention you caught.

Merry Christmas Mishaps: Christmas looked a little different this year, and Javy knew you were having a hard time adjusting to it. You were used to the lights and the hustle and - God help him, the snow - that came with where you had called home for so long. You had given all that up to move to California to be with him, and he decided that if he couldn’t get you back on the east coast for the holiday, maybe he could improvise and start making new traditions here together, with a few surprises along the way. 

The Great Escape: All you wanted on your wedding day was some time alone with your new husband. Luckily for you, Javy was more than game to make an escape and has just the hiding place in mind.

An Aviation Special: You had always wanted to experience Mardi Gras in New Orleans, but when it starts to go sideways thanks to your travel companions, you fear the whole trip, maybe even the whole city, has been ruined for you. But then a handsome stranger swoops in when some drunk idiot gets too handsy, and your night takes an unexpected turn for the better.

The Plus One: You couldn’t believe he was here. He had told you he would be, over and over again, but part of you had convinced yourself it was too good to be true. There was no way a man as perfect as Javy Machado would be so into you after you spent one night together, months ago, that he’d fly out to be your date to a wedding for people he’d never met before. Yet here he was, looking as good as a dream. By the end of the night you knew one thing for certain: a weekend with him would never be enough.

✨Javy Machado x Natasha Trace (Navy):

Repeated Offenses: Javy wasn’t sure what the mission was that called them back to Top Gun, but he knew if he was there, Phoenix would be too. He seeks her out that first night, knowing that it would be the same game between them as it always was. One of them was bound to get burned one of these days, but luckily for him, he’s never been afraid of playing with fire. 

✨Jake Seresin:

Flight Suit Aphrodisiac: There was something about seeing Jake in his flight suit that got to you every single time. It had always been attractive, sure, but nowadays it was like something of an aphrodisiac. It didn’t matter what you were doing or where you were; when you saw him in it, you had to have him.

Twin Fire Signs: When the majority of your squad intentionally leaves you drunk and alone at a bar, you resign yourself to finding your own way home and dealing with your wounded pride in peace. But then your phone rings, the name of the last person you expected to be calling you on a Friday night flashing on your screen. You know you shouldn’t answer, but too much tequila has never led to great decisions. 

Cowboy Resolutions: New Year’s Eve at the Hard Deck with all of your friends was a tradition, one that you loved and held close to your heart. When you and your husband decide to slip away from the crowd for a late night stroll on the beach right before midnight, you realize that neither of you had the purest of intentions when it came to wanting to get away. 

A Verbal Agreement: You hated Jake Seresin. Truly, you did. Or at least you strongly disliked him. But as it was, he did something for you that no other man could, and it kept you coming back for more. 

✨Jake Seresin x Natasha Trace (Hannix):

Hell Bent, Heaven Sent: Truthfully, Jake didn’t like anything that she made him feel. Annoyed. Inferior. Submissive. But she also made his heart speed up and his palms sweat and despite everything he felt better when she was with him. Natasha Trace made him question everything about himself.

Alli's TGM Mix & Match Blurb Party Masterlist

*I do not give permission to copy/steal, translate, or publish elsewhere*

[enassbraid]

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ 𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐧, 𝐘𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐌𝐞 𝐀𝐭 𝐀𝐥𝐥!

Their confession is so sudden, it sounds a little unserious…

-> Ft. Nagi & Chigiri (seperate)

Cw) Oblivious Nagi, kinda oblivious reader in Chigiri’s part… not proofread, this was just a rough idea and author wanted to write something for these two with little effort before her finals

➳❥ Nagi

Nagi had finally gotten a break from the Blue Lock program, and wasn’t doing much with it. You can still vividly recall the way he showed up on your doorstep, looking as tired as ever and bulkier than the last time you saw him.

He draped himself over you the moment you opened the door, not giving you much time to process what was going on.

“Nagi?” You said, shock laced in your voice. “What are you doing here? I thought you were stuck in Blue Lock for another while…”

“Break time… only two weeks. I wanted to come see you.” He mumbled into the crook of your neck.

That scene would have made anyone passing by think you were a couple with the way Nagi’s arms hung around your shoulders and his face buried into the crook of your neck. Of course, you weren’t making it look any better with the way you hugged him back.

It’s been a week since he returned, and he’s practically been living with you since then. All of his Blue Lock friends (except Reo) were shocked when they heard this. Nagi? With a significant other? It just didn’t sound right.

Even though they couldn’t believe Nagi had a partner, they were in even more shocked when Nagi said;

“We’re not dating. They’re my best friend.”

Reo rolled his eyes at the words that came out of his partner’s mouth. “Nagi, you and me both know there’s something going on between you two.” He stated matter of factly.

“But we’re just best friends.”

“Just tell them you’re in love with them!” Bachira exclaimed. He knew it didn’t work like that, but it was much simpler that way, especially for someone like Nagi.

Nagi’s head perked up at that. It was coming from Bachira, it probably wasn’t a good idea. Love was such a strong word… and these guys had never met you. How would they know he’s in love with you just by the way he talked about you?

He found himself a tad bit annoyed when he actually considered Bachira’s suggestion.

So here you were, with Nagi, in your room. It’s been like this for the past week. Nagi would come over after hanging out with friends, sometimes bringing Reo back with him, and stay throughout the evening. The only time he’d leave was to go home to his own bed, saddening you a little.

You’ve known Nagi for years now, way before his annoying growth spurt. Was he uncomfortable with sleeping in the same room as you? Or maybe it was because he preferred his own bed? The second option seemed the most likely, but it didn’t stop you from overthinking.

“What are you thinking about…?” Nagi’s voice came from your bedroom floor, making you lean over from your bed to get a glimpse at him.

His snow colored hair was sprawled out messily, but still framing his face. For some reason, you could never imagine Nagi with neat hair. It’s always been on the messy side for as long as you’ve known him, and it fit him too well to wish for any change.

If there was anything you wish he’d change about himself, it’d probably be his hygiene.

“Just the fact you used to smell pretty bad in junior high. No girls would ever come near you because of that, you know.” The memory of girls going out of their way to avoid him replayed in your head, making you stifle your laughter.

“Oh, that.” He groaned at the memory. “Everything was a bigger pain back then. Well, right now everything is still a hassle, but not as much as a hassle like before… like showering.”

“Yeah well, that doesn’t changed the fact you reeked.” You chuckled.

He found his eyes wandering to your face, far above his. Your laugh was like music to his ears, he wishes he could listen to it longer.

“Well me reeking didn’t stop you from loving me.” He said abruptly.

The word “love” rang in your ears for a few seconds before laughing again. “Oh Nagi, of course it didn’t.”

Nagi’s eyes widened at your “confession,” platonic love didn’t cross his mind when you said that.

“And you laughing like a witch didn’t stop me from loving you either.” Bold. He didn’t think you laughed like a witch, it was merely a way to get back at you for telling him he reeked.

His confession went over your head, contradictory to yours going right to his head. You stopped laughing a few moments later, and went back to the game in your hands. Nagi, however, was still waiting for you to say something.

The silence was comfortable for you, but deafening to him. He just told you he loved you, and you told him you loved him. Even if it was indirectly, surely you’ll say something about it, right?

“(Name).” He called out. You hummed in response.

“I said I love you, aren’t you going ti say it back again?” He asked, raising a genuinely curious brow.

You choked on your spit.

“You said what?”

“I said I love you. Now can you say it back like before?” He sighed. You were taken aback by his sudden confession, and confused. When did he say he loved you? And when did you say you loved him?

“Well- uh… when did you say that? And when did I say it?” You asked, not sure where he was going with this.

“I said me smelling didn’t stop you from loving me, and you said of course it didn’t. And then I said your witch laugh didn’t stop me from loving you, and you never responded.” He was sitting up now, pointing at him and then you to emphasize his words.

“Wait, you were serious?” You said, eyes widened with shock. In the moment, you didn’t think much of it. Friends tease each other using the word “love” all the time, you didn’t think yours and Nagi’s friendship was any different.

He nodded slowly, and you weren’t sure if it was from laziness or uncertainty. You were taken aback, bewildered, and in disbelief. He actually likes you back?

“Oh… well I love you… too?” Your voice pitch went up and down, much to your embarrassment. But of course, as usual, Nagi didn’t seem to care about that.

“Okay. I’m staying the night, can I sleep up there?”

He asked that question as if it were nothing, testing just how flustered you could get. He wasn’t doing it intentionally, he was just that oblivious.

“Um… yeah. Sure you can, Nagi.” He nodded in response, crawling up from his spot on the floor and onto your bed abruptly.

“You mean right now!?”

“Yeah? When else…?”

He rested his head on your lap, making you put your phone down and place your hands in his hair. You wondered how he was already so clingy just seconds after becoming official, but it was okay. If he wasn’t so cute, it probably wouldn’t have been though.

Meanwhile, in Nagi’s head, he mentally noted to tell Reo he was right… and to tell Bachira his suggestion lead to some misunderstandings.

➳❥ Chigiri

Chigiri was a light hearted guy right to the core, even in his seriousness he can stop himself from coming off as too serious.

Which is why he couldn’t understand how you misunderstood his confession.

Everything was perfect, the setting, the timing, the place, all of it. His confession was supposed to be perfect. He acknowledged the simplicity of a dinner date, but he didn’t want this to be over the top. If it was over the top it’d be too much, if it was too little you’d think he put no effort into it.

He had everything thought out and planned, yet somehow everything averted away from the plan.

“(Name), there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while now.” He started, voice getting softer with each word. Before he could continue…

“Here’s your dishes, enjoy!” The waiter placed two appetizing plates in front of you and Chigiri, carefully setting them down before serving the next table. Chigiri eyed the meal in front of him with annoyance, not liking the way he was interrupted.

“Go on, Chigiri. What were you saying just now?” You asked curiously.

“Ah, well…”

“I’m so sorry, I forgot your drinks!” The waiter interrupted… again, placing your drinks on the table. Chigiri tried to hold back an eye roll and the interruption, but his face still held irritation.

“Keep going, I’m listening.” You reassured.

“Right…” He picked up a fork and knife, cutting his meal while trying to find the right words.

“Oh hey, this is pretty good.” You commented, eyes full of delight. Just then, Chigiri took a bite of his meal.

He nodded, agreeing. “Yeah, it is. I love you.”

He just needed to get it over with. And the best way to do that was to just… say it. It may have come off suddenly, but it felt better getting it out.

However, it didn’t occur to him he didn’t look up at you when he said that.

“Seriously? The food is that good you had to tell it you love it?” Oh.

His eyes widened, looking into yours with a baffled expression. He almost wanted to blame the waiter for interrupting you two so much…

“No! I mean the food is good— really good! But I meant that I love you.”

Your mouth made an “o” shape, taken aback by the confession. You weren’t sure whether to feel embarrassed or not that you thought he was talking to the food…

“Ah… you’re actually into me?” You asked for confirmation.

“Yes! I am into you. I really really like you (Name), I have for a long time now.” His voice was strong, making sure you were hearing every word he had to say about the way he felt about you.

It was quiet for a few moments, and Chigiri wasn’t sure if he’d be walking out of this diner with a significant other anymore.

“Well… I like you too- love you too, even. I didn’t expect it to go like this… but this means we’re official now, right?” You asked. The pink haired male across from you couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief at your returned feelings.

“Yeah, we’re official now.” He declared.

While his confession certainly confused you, you were just glad to be walking out of that diner with Chigiri as your boyfriend.

“Next time you tell me you love me, make sure you’re looking at me, and not food.” You laughed as Chigiri rolled his eyes. Despite the eye roll, he couldn’t be happier right now.

[gnrlove1987]

Summary: When your relationship goes wrong, you leave Axl. Sometime later, Axl tracks you down at the beachside ice cream shop you're working at.

You scooped some mint chip ice cream into a pastel pink cup and handed it to the little girl on the other side of the counter, happy that your shift was finally over and your last customer was served.

You felt a tap on your shoulder. You turned around to see your coworker Jane.

“You’re free to go!” Jane said enthusiastically with a chipper smile that showed how young, innocent, and unjaded she was. Yet, at least.

Untying your apron, you gratefully said, “Thanks, Jane. My shift couldn’t end fast enough”.

You liked working at Peach’s Seaside Ice Cream shop. The laid back vibe here was a nice change from the life you lived before you moved to Long Beach. Though, some days seemed to drag on and today was one. It wasn’t like you had much going on after work anyway. Since your breakup a year ago, you had your one bedroom apartment, your cat, and your job. That was good enough for you.

Taking your keys and your purse, you walked out of the shop but after barely four steps, you were stuck in your tracks. You couldn’t move and just stared. He was standing before you and looked just as good as he did a year ago when you left him. Maybe even a little better.

You tried to speak but you couldn’t.

“Hey, y/n.” He said quietly.

Stunned, you eeked out, “What are you doing here, Axl?”

You thought when you left him a year ago you would never see him again and now somehow he found you. You moved to Long Beach to get away from him. That way you wouldn't see him around town or hear what he was up to from friends of friends.

Seeing him standing before you, all the memories good and bad flooded back. You remembered how things were before you left.

You had been with Axl way before he was the biggest rockstar on the planet. You knew him when he struggled to pay for biscuits and gravy at Dennys. You were paying his way back then but you didn’t care because what he couldn’t give you in jewelry or flowers he would give you in love and devotion. Then when his album came out, everything changed. At first it was nice. You were thrilled his dreams were coming true and money wasn’t really a worry anymore.

But different problems replaced the old ones. Girls were constantly throwing themselves at him. Everyone around him turned into a yes man. Everyone but you. It started to seem like you and him weren’t a team anymore either, that he just wanted you to be Axl Rose’s girlfriend, nothing more than arm candy. And even with that he began to make you feel like you weren't good enough either.

As his fame grew, you felt like you didn’t fit in with his new life. You thought he had the same idea when he started going to awards shows, parties, and premieres alone. Two days later, there would be his picture splattered on the front page of the tabloids with a leggy, model type hanging off his arm. You didn’t know who he was anymore. Worse, you didn’t recognize yourself. Your self esteem was wrecked and the past 4 years of your life had stupidly revolved around Axl. You knew the only option was to get far away from him. Let him be this new version of himself while you found yourself again. A better version you could be proud of again.

A year later and he somehow found you. Was he looking for you this whole time or was it just some meaningless fucked up coincidence?

When he didn’t respond to your question, you muttered under your breath, “ I don’t need this shit. “ as you went to walk past him. But he stopped you.

“I can’t believe it’s actually you." he marveled. “ I’ve been looking for you for a long time. You’ve been hard to find, y/n.” He said with a small smile.

He went to stroke your cheek but you backed away.

He looked down and then away, not wanting you to see the hurt in his eyes.

“You know, I actually hired a private investigator to find you” he started, “ I spent a lot of money to find out where you ran off to.”

You laughed dryly and stood with your tongue in your cheek “ Long Beach isn’t that far from L.A. You must’ve sure been working hard to find me in between fucking every model in L.A." You said sarcastically. You continued, "You’re so full of shit. Don’t act like you've missed me. Don't act like you were upset when I left. You’re upset that you got left by someone. Period. It hurt your ego. But you never gave a shit that I was actually gone. It was a relief for you to not have me around anymore.”

“You ended the relationship, y/n! Not me! Fuck you for saying that!" he snapped. "Don’t pretend like you know how I felt especially when you ended it the way you did. It wasn’t fair! With everything we’d been through, you just fuckin left! You didn’t even give me an explanation! Fuck, you didn’t even bother to let me know you were ok. That night you left, I had no clue why you never came home; if you got hit by a fuckin bus or were killed or something! Do you have any idea how scared I was that something happened to you?“

“If you cared so damn much back then, you sure had a funny way of showing it.” You glared.

"That’s bullshit and you know it.” he spat back.

You started to retort but stopped yourself when you realized your coworkers had a front row seat to the fight between Axl Rose and his NOT girlfriend.

“Axl, I don’t want to do this here.”

Axl scoffed. “I’ve been looking for you for a fuckin year and we’re not going to talk about this cos you ‘don’t want to do this here’. ”He took in a deep breath before saying, “We’re doing this now.”

You remembered how bossy he could be and it wasn’t one of the traits you missed about him in the time apart.

“I’m parked over there” you pointed to your car that was nestled in between two palm trees, “we can talk in my car. Ok?”

He nodded and followed you. He sat in the passenger seat while you sat in the front. It was silent for a beat as you both looked around nervously.

”It broke my heart when you left me, y/n."

“Yeah, well it broke my heart when you wouldn’t come home at night for no reason other than you just didn’t want to. It broke my heart when you would make me feel like I wasn’t good enough for you. You broke my heart long before the relationship was officially over, Axl.”

"It was a hard time for me. My whole world was changing. I didn’t know how else to handle it. I’m sorry. But you should’ve told me that. Not just leave.”

“I’m sorry I left but it was the only way. If I would’ve talked to you about all this you just would’ve thrown a tantrum and-”

“You’re fucking throwing this back on me!?”

“Take responsibility for your shit, Axl! You know what I’m saying is true. That’s why you’re getting angry again!”

“I don’t know why I came here!” Axl began to get in your face

“Then leave!” You shouted

“I will! “ he shouted back

You two glared at each other, chests heaving with your faces so close your noses nearly touched. Your lips then collided with his as he pulled you on top of him. With his tongue massaging yours, he felt up your tits as you rubbed your palm again his crotch, feeling him firm up beneath your hand. He pulled his lips away from you and planted warm kisses along your throat, then lingering kisses on your breasts. You ran your fingers through his hair as you ground your hips against him.

“ Oh, fuck, y/n, I need you.” He groaned.

“The backseat.” you said breathily in his ear, feeling his stubble scrape along your cheek.

You maneuvered into the back with him following close behind. Sitting across from him, you unbuckled the belt of his jeans as he pulled your shirt off. With his jacket and shirt off, his chest was smooth and hard on top of you as he laid you down and inserted himself in you. You clenched around him as he rhythmically thrust. The familiar pattern was there just as it was before and you melted into him. Feeling the knot in your stomach get tighter and tighter, you wound your fingers in his hair and bit his lip gently. Breathing harder, the car windows were fogged from the heat coming from the backseat. You felt closer to unraveling as you dug your nails into his back, which he took as a sign to go harder. You arched your back as he delivered one last shaky thrust before you collapsed into each other. You both laid there a minute with him still inside you, taking in each other, smelling his signature scent of tobacco and cologne as he breathed heavily against you.

You then pushed yourself from him and he rearranged himself to sit up. Fishing through his jacket pocket on the floor of the backseat, he got out two cigarettes and a match. He lit yours using the butt of his cigarette and passed it to you as you pulled your legs up. He laid his hand on your bare thigh and kissed your knee before he reclined against the seat. You sat back, watching him as you inhaled the smoke, the first smoke you had had in a year. He sat with a satisfied smile looking out the window. You wondered if you just made the biggest mistake of your life. But, you thought, could something that felt so good be such a huge mistake?

He turned to you, confidently smiling, “ You ready to come home, y/n?”

You looked in his deep green eyes, trying to think how to respond. Nothing had gotten solved and who was to say things would be better this time around if you did go back with him. You missed the man like crazy but fucking in your car was one thing, being thrown back into the chaos that had become his life was another.

Looking down, you exhaled a puff of smoke and softly replied,

"I don't know."

[jawritter]

If It’s Meant to Be

Pt. 9

Summary: Bad things happen to good people, that’s just the rule of thumb. But sometimes, things happen for a reason, and that reason is so you can find the person you’re meant to be with…

Pairing: Alpha!Beau Arlen x Omega!Reader

Warnings: 18 + ONLY!!! ANGST!!! 

Word Count: 2595

A/N: This fic is completely unbeta’d, so all mistakes are mine! Please do not copy my work! Enjoy!

My Masterlist          Series Masterlist

Sleep? What is that? Y/N wasn’t even sure anymore. Mostly because every time she closed her eyes, all she could see was Beau’s way to the adorable, kicked puppy face he’d been making ever since she showed up at the hospital to collect him. When she opened them, well, son of a bitch if he wasn’t just beyond the threshold of the door of her bedroom, lying on the couch. It did no good to close the door either, because she knew that he was still there, just beyond the door. Long, seven-hour sleep battle story later, well, let’s just say she didn’t sleep and stop being dramatic about it. 

Beau, if he was awake, he didn’t move around much or sit up at all during the night while she had the door open, so she assumed that he’d slept just fine, which pissed her off even more if she was being honest. Because she was grumpy when she didn’t get any sleep, and the fact that she was already pretty pissed at the handsome Alpha did not help her mood at all, even after she’d gotten out of bed for the hundredth time that night at two in the morning, and slammed to door shut so that she wouldn't’ have to see him lying there anymore. 

The shower she’d taken had done little to relieve the tense feeling in her chest either that morning before she dressed herself to get ready for work. Not that Tonya and Donno required a uniform or anything, still, she liked to at least show up for work looking presentable. Which usually meant a morning shower to help wake herself up, and then a light coating of makeup and at least fixing her hair somewhat for the day. But today, her mind was too stuck on the Alpha laying on her couch with the blanket wrapped up to his throat, which sent her anxiety through the ceiling, which made her not really care so much about what she looked like today, and in a continual, spiraling effect, caused her to forgo the makeup, and just throw her hair into a messy bun. 

She knew that really, she probably shouldn’t even go to work today, but going to work was a better option than being stuck in the house with an Alpha that offered her a Plan B pill at the thought of having his pups, so there’s that. 

Y/N took one last, disgusted look, at her reflection, shaking her head at the state of herself, but not in the mood to do anything about it, and ripped the bathroom door open to go and find whatever she did with her comfortable shoes for work. 

Normally, Y/N would just eat breakfast at the diner, because Donno usually cooked enough to feed an army in the morning, and Tonya and herself ate for free, but as she placed her empty coffee mug in the sink, the Omega in her whined loudly at the injured Alpha that was still laying on the couch, wrapped up in his throw blanket that was to small for him, and made his soak clad feet stick out.

He really was a pathetic sight if she did say so herself, and honestly, as angry and as hurt as she was by him, she couldn’t continuously leave the house without at least checking on the man to make sure he didn’t need anything before she left, even though the more human side of her was content to let him lay there miserable as she was and starve. She could be petty apparently, and that’s something she hadn’t realized about herself. 

With a deep, annoyed sigh, Y/N made her way over to where Beau was laying, carefully sniffing the air as she approached to make sure that he wasn’t in rut, because she could see the sweat causing his soft hair to stick to his forehead slightly, but she didn’t scent any rut in his warm, coffee, pine, and sandalwood scent. The very scent she hated to admit still made her shiver slightly, but she’d deal with that later. 

Concern creased her forehead as she knelt down in front of him, placing the back of her hand against his clammy skin to discover he did indeed have a fever. 

Beau grunted, but never opened his eyes as he shifted slightly on the sofa, turning his head away from her to face the back of the couch. Of course he would be off put by her touch, how stupid of her to think that he’d actually WANT her to take care of him. It wasn't like after their confrontation yesterday when they got there they’d had a giant, love filled, conversation with forgiveness, and heartfelt shit. Honestly, neither had said two damn words to one another again. She stayed locked in her room with a book, doing her best to ignore him, and he laid himself down on the couch with the phone, ignoring her. 

She quite honestly didn’t know what to do. He had a fever, but he didn’t smell like rut, so he wasn’t IN rut. He really didn’t want her to be his mate, he was just stuck there. He’d said he was going to try to contact his ex-wife, and as much as that fucking hurt, it was probably for the best, but here he was, and she hadn’t come to collect him. The fever could mean that he was about to go into a very bad rut, and then what? 

She was just about to say, ‘fuck it’, and leave him there to go to work when Beau jumped slightly, his eyes shooting open, and looking around widely until he registered where he was. She hurried back in surprise, and watched in silence as he grimaced and shivered before laying back down on the couch where he’d been. 

“You scared me,” he admitted, but said nothing as he sank deeper into his small throw blanket, shivering like he had a chill. He didn’t even bother reopening his eyes again. 

She stood there, eyes glued to him, jaw set tight, and in such inner turmoil that there were no real words to even describe what she was feeling. On one hand, the petty, mean side of her wanted to jerk the blank off of him, and throw it across the room before she left to go to work, just to make him have to get up and collect it, but the Omega inside of her was worried about him, and wouldn’t let her move one way or another. So she just stood there in a weird state of, help him, or leave him there. 

“I’ve got to go to work,” she announced after a while, and Beau cracked an eye at, laying there looking much like a wounded, disheveled lion that was NOT in the mood for anyone’s shit. “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t need any food or anything before I left.”

“‘M not hungry,” he murmured, “don’t feel all that great, just wanna sleep.”

He shivered harder, and Y/N instinctively knelt beside him again, causing his eyes to shoot open, but this time he didn’t flinch away when she reached to touch his forehead again, he felt even hotter than he had a moment ago, and that’s when the petty side of her shut up, and the worried Omega took over; whether she like it or not. 

“You’re burning up,” she mumbled out loud. “Do you feel like you’re going into rut?” 

Beau furrowed his brows in concentration for a moment, clearly trying to make his fever soaked brain register with the rest of his body. 

“No, no I don’t think I am, it doesn’t feel like it anyway,” he answered after a moment before grabbing the back of the couch with his good arm, and forcing himself to sit up, and Y/N backed up immediately to give the Alpha his space. If he wasn’t going into rut, that means something isn’t right. It sent her anxiety through the roof in a way she didn’t expect. She couldn’t understand why the hell she cared so fucking much?! It wasn’t like this changed the fact that he didn’t want her. 

“Fuck my head is killing me,” he admitted, reaching up to press the heal of his palm against his temple. 

“Well you’ve got to be running a fever for a reason, are you sure you’re not going into ru–”

“I’M FUCKING SURE I’M NOT IN RUT GODDAMMIT!” He suddenly yelled at her, and she jumped almost the length of the living room at his unexpected irruption. She had never heard the full use of his Alpha voice before, and it was terrifying. Tears immediately started to sting at her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. She refused to give him the satisfaction. 

“I’m sorry,” he corrected quickly, clearly surprised in his own outburst. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. I really didn’t. It just came out. My head and shoulder are killing me, and I know that’s not an excuse at all, but it just… I’m sorry, it really did come from nowhere. I promise I’m not in rut, and I don’t feel like I’m going into it either. I just feel like utter shit.”

Y/N stood there for a moment, debating. The Omega inside of her still wanted to help the Alpha, even if he was rude and snappy. She wanted to just leave him there if he was going to act like that. This was her house and her rules after all. Still, she knew that if she left and for some reason, something happened to him, and she left knowing he was feeling bad when she’d left him, she knew that the guilt would eat her alive. Fuck her life honestly. 

“Well, it’s not your rut, then let me look at your shoulder, then see about getting something in your system to get the fever down,” she offered, taking a test step closer to him. 

“I thought you had to go to work,” he said, and she stilled in her steps. “You don’t have to take care of me Y/N, I know you really don’t want to take care of me anyway. I can get my own meds.”

“Would you stop being stubborn and just let me look under those bandages,” she stated flatly, refusing to back down. She wasn’t going to let him guilt her, or scar her. Not this time. 

Beau sighed and shook his head as he looked down at his lap. “Whatever you think you need to do, darlin.”

Y/N’s nostrils flared, and anger boiled in her system. She was just trying to help the stubborn Alpha, and she felt like he could care less! It was insulting and annoying all at the same time. Still, she didn’t want the sheriff to die on her couch, and then the Alpha he worked with breathing down her neck along with his daughter. So she moved over to him, and started to take the sling from his shoulder, which caused him to yelp in pain and grab her waist with his good arm. 

She froze at his touch, memories that shouldn’t be flooding her mind swarmed in front of her and she had to bat them away quickly.

“Have you taken any of your pain meds during the night?” she questioned as she slowed her movements to not jostle him more than she needed too as she worked to slowly remove the bandages. 

“Yeah, every six hours, but it stopped working so well at about four this morning,” he admitted through gritted teeth as she slowly pulled the last of the bandages away, revealing the angry, red wound where the bullet had entered his shoulder. 

“Maybe we should take you to get this looked at again,” she admitted. “I think it looks infected.”

“Fuck me,” he growled throwing his head back against the couch as his phone chimed loudly next to the pair of them, and he reached for it without thinking, causing Y/N to back away from him. It was almost as if he didn’t care how close she was, or that she was trying to help him, he did what he felt like doing, even though it was rude and mean and it just made her that much more irritated with him. 

“It’s my daughter,” he revealed. “She’s worried about me. Carla told me last night that I couldn’t stay with her, that she would not have an Alpha that was close to his rut around her daughter. Nevermind the fact that it’s my own goddamn kid and I’d never hurt a hair on her head.” 

Y/N tried to swallow down the emotions that arose in her at his little revelation, but she wasn’t able to hide it off of her face apparently, because Beau cleared his throat and sat up a little straighter, his emerald orbs staring at her, almost searching. 

“I’m sorry that you’re stuck with me, I really did try to leave with her, but she wouldn’t have me. This was never my intention. If I would have just listened to Jenny and not walked up to that fucking truck I would have not gotten shot, and you could have moved on with your life, and not been stuck with me here.”

“What were your intentions then Beau?” Y/N questioned as she stood up after helping him back into his sling. He was shivering so hard his teeth were practically rattling in his skull, but Y/N didn’t much care at the moment, because honestly, the fact that he actually called his ex-wife to try and get her to come and save him from her, that fucking hurt bad. “Were your intentions to just use me, and then send me on my way? Didn’t like what you saw once I really got in there with you? Hmmm? Maybe you just wanted a rut bunny, and one just happened to be stupid enough to show up at your door? That it?” 

The questions tumbled out of her in haste of heated anger, and all Beau could do was sit there, his arm in a sling, sweat dampened hair, hollow looking gaze, and mouth slightly open as he tried to process what she’d just said to him. 

“I… No, I never meant to—”

“You know what Beau, it doesn’t matter, it's done, and you’re here, whether you want to be or whether I want you to be or not. So get some fucking clothes on, and we will go see why that fucking wound is infected.”

Y/N stood harshly, marching towards the kitchen. Not that she was hungry at all, she just wanted to get some distance between them. Being that close to his scent, it was hard to stay angry with him when she was that close to him, and dammit, she wanted to be mad for a while. 

“I need help with a shirt—”

“Figure it out,” she shot back at him over her shoulder as she grabbed her keys off the key ring. “I’ll be waiting in the car.”

If she lived through this, really lived through it, this would be the last time she ever helped an Alpha with anything. Trust was something in her that he’d absolutely broken and stepped on. So was the notion that love existed at all, because if she ever loved anyone, she stupidly though it would have been Beau.

Forever:

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[ontheshroom]

maybe you could do something with jack based off of Cuff It by Beyoncé???

Cuff It

Jack Harlow x fem!reader

Smut! ⚠️

A/n: Loved writing this!!!

Synopsis: Jack and Tr meet in a club.

******************************

It wasn’t often you got the option to go out with your friend, so you were taking your full advantage tonight.

“Alright it’s mandatory we must take three shots before we get to the club!” Lex calls out.

You let out a loud exaggerated sigh at her words with a playful smile following. You walk to your kitchen island with six shot glasses in front of you. Lex pours them and divides them into three each. You both rapidly down the shots before sticking your tongues out and groaning at the burn.

“Whew. That’s some good shit.” Lex laughs.

“I’m sick of you.” You laugh with her.

In sync your phone alerts you letting you know your Lyft is out front. You and Lex both do a once-over in the mirror of your front foyer before leaving. You hold the door open for Lex to get in before following after her.

“We’re gonna have so much fun!” She calls out.

“I feel like fallin in love.” You smile, bashfully.

“Oh, girl. You need to stay away from liquor.” She laughs.

Within twenty minutes the two of you are walking into Club ‘River’.

You and Lex walk past a section with someone so familiar to you, but you just can’t pinpoint it. Watching the mystery person as you walk, you both lock eyes.

“Our section is right there!” Lex calls out to you, snapping your attention off of him.

“Order me two shots of Casamigos.” You smile at her.

After ordering your drinks you both hear your favorite song at the moment playing.

“Ridin’ with my twinnem and we all look good at fuck! She say she my opp but I don’t know her, had to look her up! I know that I'm rich, but I can't help it, bitch, I'm hood as fuck! I've been on these bitches neck so long, sometimes my foot get stuck! I can't put you in my business, you might wish me dead tomorrow. Bitches be on dick today, sing every word of "Up" tomorrow! Bitch, I still got cases opened, keep your mouth shut tomorrow! Play with me today then get some sleep, you know it's up tomorrow! Fake bitch, that's why my friend fucked on your nigga (ah-ha). Both you bitches pussy, I think y'all should scissor (ah, ha, ha).” You both sing and twerk to the song.

Meanwhile, in the other section, you both were noticed.

“I feel like I’ve seen her before,” Jack confesses to Urban, pointing at you.

Your friend was currently taking pictures of you, that’d he probably pay to have on his phone.

“She’s bad, man. I don’t know where we’d know her from, though.” Urban shrugs.

“Her friend is fine too,” Urban adds, pointing to your friend.

“Nah, I know I’ve seen her before.” Jack shakes his head.

“Go up and talk to her,” Urban tells him.

As if God could hear his friend, you started making your way towards them, well at least it looks so. Realistically, you’re heading to the bar to figure out what happened to those drinks Lex ordered.

As you’re walking up you notice that familiar face looking at you again. This time he’s walking towards you, though. You shrug it off and realize out of the hundreds of people in this club, that man is not focused on you.

“Hi! My friend and I ordered four shots of Casamigos in our section and never got them, can I get them from here?” You ask the bartender.

“Of course! I didn’t get any orders, I apologize. Let me get those for y’all!” He calls out over the loud music.

“And you can put those on my tab.” You hear a voice say from behind you, causing you to turn.

You come face to face with the man from earlier, and man is he fine.

“I feel like I know you from somewhere.” He says, leaning down to talk in your ear.

“I felt the same!” You tell him, laughing.

“Did you grow up in Louisville?” He asks you.

“Mm Mm.” You shake your head.

“Do you know my name?” He asks.

“I’m afr-“

“Here are these shots for y’all!” The bartender calls out, putting the drinks on a tray.

“Thank you!” You say to him before turning back to the man.

“I’m Jack.”

“I’m y/n, nice to meet you.” You smile.

“You look so familiar.” He sighs.

“I have a following on Instagram, maybe you know me from there?” You ask him, shrugging a bit.

He pulls out his phone and opens Instagram before handing his phone to you. You quickly type in your Instagram to see he’s already following it.

“You follow me already!” You laugh.

He looks down at the page and then back at you and nods.

“Guess that mystery got solved.” He smiles.

You pull up your phone and open Instagram, following his actions, but when he opens his page you’re not following him.

You look down at your phone and realize why he’s so familiar.

“Jack, as in Jack Harlow.” You laugh.

“I feel like an idiot.” You shake your head.

“Damn, you ain’t even following me?” He asks playfully, smacking his lips.

“I swear I thought I was.” You laugh.

You hold the phone up so he could see it and you show him as you follow him.

“That’s right.” He laughs.

“Well, I better get going before my friend gets worried.” You tell Jack, picking up the drinks.

“Let me know before you leave?” He asks you.

You scrunch your eyebrows up at his statement.

“Mmm, maybe.”

“Bitch! He was familiar 'cause he’s Jack fucking Harlow!” You tell your friend giving her the shots.

“Yeah, his friend just came up to me.” Lex laughs.

The two of you decided to party for a bit before leaving with them. What could y’all say? Y’all’s mission was to fuck up the night, or any available hot men.

The night winds down and you both had a good buzz going. Drunk but not too drunk that you’re not aware of your decisions. The two of you decide to walk over to Jack’s section. The two of you are stopped at the section opening by two security guards.

“Aye, they’re good!” Jack calls out.

The men separate and you two walk into the section.

“We just wanted to let y’all know, we’re getting ready to go.” You tell Jack, leaning close to him to tell him in his ear.

“Alright, you wanna ride home? My friend can take your friend home.” He says.

You nod at his words and the four of you walk out together before separating into different cars.

“Call me tomorrow!” You yell out to Lex, who responds with a thumbs up.

“I live in Northbrook.” You tell Jack and he nods.

The second you both walk into your apartment it was as if the whole script flipped. Jack is all over you, his hands digging into your hips as if he couldn’t have you any closer to him.

“Fuck.” He groans as you palm him through his pants.

“I wanna go where nobody's been,” You tell him, shedding yourself of your dress and kicking off your heels.

Jack watches in astonishment as you walk to your bedroom.

When he walks back into your room he’s just as naked as you. You can’t help but smile at his size. You did good tonight, y/n.

“Lay down.” You smile at him.

He lays down on the bed and you crawl on top of him. You both let out low moans as you sink onto him. You rock your hips until you find your rhythm. Jack places his hands on your hips, pulling you down to his chest, your boobs hovering over his face.

“I like to be in control.” He groans, stopping your movements and fucking up into you.

“Fuck, Jack!” You moan.

The sounds of his skin slapping against yours and Y’all’s mixed moans fill the room. As the two of you approach your orgasms you’re sure you see stars.

“I’m gonna cum, Jack!” You moan.

“Fuckkkk.” He groans.

He lets you ride out your orgasm before he pulls out and cums.

You roll off of him onto the bed and breathe heavily. You get up to use the restroom before crawling back into bed. Expecting Jack to get up since he’s already had sex with you, you kind of look at him funny.

“Go to sleep, baby. When you wake up tomorrow we can go get breakfast.” He tells you, cuddling you to his chest.

[sadieshavingsex]

oh my god I honestly just realized really clearly in my mind that having sex when you have that particular brand of evangelical purity culture trauma is a CYCLE. a tried and true trauma and shame CYCLE. and if nobody has written about this yet I’ll be damned. we should crowdsource the first anthropological study of it right here. I’ll go first.

**mind you this is my interpretation of the cycle when you are willfully trying sex but are still stuck in the “sex is bad” mindset. so I guess it’s pretty specific. it’s the cycle that happens when you have the evangelical belief that sex is bad/scary/etc but end up consensually having it anyway

this is what I think the trauma + shame cycle looks like:

1. you avoid sex at all costs because that’s what you were trained to do. you believe that it is usually bad, scary, or some other terrible thing you’ve been taught

2. you’re drawn to or pushed toward sexual contact with another person for some reason. it can be anything: curiosity, peer pressure, interest in your own pleasure, wanting someone to like you, leaving the fold, etc. Whatever it is you’re willfully (although sometimes under some pressure) making your way toward sex but still wary of it

3. you get too close to sex and then you’re having it!!!! oh dear god!!!!! whoops!!!! oh god it feels so good?!!?!!!?? but this is really bad???? I’m so confused but my body feels so good oh god what is happening what do I do my brain is turning to mush!!! usually this stage goes on for me until I:

4. orgasm

5. post nut clarity to the maximum level. immediate stop you in your tracks guilt, shame, terror. the feeling that comes over you when you realize what you’ve done, what inhibitions you’ve gone against, the most epic level of failure you could have possibly achieved. that’s what you feel you just did

optional 5.2. well I did it whoops so doing something similar can’t be that much worse hehe I’ll just keep having sex for a little while it’s nice I enjoyed it. this step seems to have an adjustable length ranging in time from a few minutes to weeks or months

6. you eventually come to terms with the “horrible thing that happened,” fully believe that it ruined your life, feel like a failure, swear off sex again, etc

REPEAT!

the thing about the cycle is that practically every fucking time you’re having sex with a new person, experiencing sex in a new way, or even just experiencing it at all period—EVERY TIME feels like that same first time. the crying. the shame. the horror at yourself and your failure. the feeling of being the worst person in the world. the continued cyclic trauma of always believing you’ve done something terribly wrong and ruined your life or your body or your promises to yourself. like it’s so obviously a cycle that builds and builds upon the trauma and shame felt the first time.

I don’t know yet how to crack out of it, but I feel like maybe one good way to do so would be to try to purposefully restructure your own beliefs about sex. For me, even after leaving evangelicalism, I always believed that nothing good ever came from sex, that it cluttered my head and caused me to make bad decisions, that it felt bad and made my self-esteem plummet, etc etc and it’s not that all of those things were lies, it’s just that they were all totally informed by evangelicalism. If I can take a step back and see that SEX DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY—it does not have to be all bad, an ending, a failure, a painful event, a taking away, a loss, a struggle, a ruination, etc—then maybe I can start to pave a way toward replacing those old painful beliefs and traumatic experiences with newer and happier ones. If I let those old things control my life forever, I’ll continue repeating this painful cycle surrounding sex

[ksbbb]

All Hallows Eve (thiam)

There hasn’t been a lot going on with the supernatural lately and to be honest, he needs something to do. Going out tonight to explore seemed like the best option, and Mason even agreed to drive.  Theo wasn’t happy. Apparently he can’t ever leave his truck alone for a night or whatever, but Liam was able to convince him to come. He was going to make sure everyone had a good time. 

That’s why when Corey mentioned an old abandoned house they could go explore, he couldn’t say no. If that’s what everyone wanted to do, then Liam was up for it. Even if he had to deal with the chimera’s glares all night about not driving and doing stupid things.  Theo is a little bit aggravated right now, but Liam doesn’t mind. They both push each other’s buttons and seeing Theo complain is payback for the many times he teased him. Not that it was all bad, because sometimes Theo teases in a way that makes Liam think he might be flirting with him, and if he's honest, he is okay with that.

When they pull up onto the street he sees a dark and dreary house, scattered leaves everywhere, and boarded up windows. He didn’t think Corey and Mason enjoyed walking into the unknown, but it is All Hallows’ Eve. Maybe they should try to do something different. Something that doesn't involve the supernatural for once.

Can we not go into the abandoned house?” Theo asks, aggravation creeping into his voice, and Liam ignores the way Theo looks to him for help. He can’t help but smile at the way the chimera has complained the whole way but still being willing to follow along. He’s far from the evil chimera they met so long ago. 

“We’re werewolves Theo. “ Liam points out, his eyes widening in excitement as he studies the old house in front of them. It’s not like they have to worry they can’t handle something that jumps out at them. Although Mason doesn’t look as enthused as he was before. 

“Werewolves that always seem to get into some type of trouble and it’s somehow always your idea.”  Theo sighs as Liam’s eyes harden, and his face turns into a frown.

Liam rolls his eyes, flipping Theo off as he heads over towards the house. He’s not going to let Theo annoy him with his ramblings or blame him for the adventures they encounter due to both of them, and their love for keeping things exciting.  Beacon Hills is never boring. That’s for sure.

Theo follows Liam up to the house, scowl still on his face as he peers around the corner to verify if it’s safe. With an impatient nod from Liam, Theo throws his hands up and they walk into the dark house.

“I can’t see.” Mason mutters, just as Corey yelps and walks directly into Theo. “I don’t have wolf eyes.” Mason complains, causing Liam to roll his eyes, and Corey to pat his boyfriend’s shoulder sympathetically.

“Careful not to fall through the floor. I’m sure Liam forgot about safety hazards.” Theo sneers, and Liam is about ready to punch him in the nose again, but before he can, Theo suddenly does in fact almost fall though the floor.  He manages to avoid it by grabbing onto Liam and veering towards the walls of the house just as the boards give way.

“Oops, careful.” Liam smiles, but his face falters when he realizes Corey and Mason aren’t behind them anymore. “Theo? Where are Corey and Mason? Did you lose them?” Liam questions, as Theo turns around to see no one behind him. 

“Me? I didn’t lose anyone. They were right there.” Theo walks back towards the front door, careful to keep off the middle of the floor, as he retraces their steps. It’s not that far, and it’s pretty obvious they aren’t anywhere near them, but Liam still checks around them.

“Good job.” Theo deadpans.

“I don’t….wait, why…”Liam tries to pry open the front door, but it’s stuck. He jiggles the door knob and attempts to use his werewolf abilities to knock it down, but it doesn’t budge. He’s almost embarrassed by how ridiculous he must look struggling with a door and having his claws out.

“Liam….you’re a werewolf. Open the door.” Theo shoves him to the side, trying to pull the door open, but it still remains closed. Liam moves Theo away from the door because he will be not let Theo be the one to open it and tease him about not being able to use his abilities, but it’s no use. The door won't budge. He sighs, and finally steps back as he checks for service on his phone.

“I don’t like being locked in.” Theo growls, starting to pull at the wooden bars on the windows, and if Liam didn’t know any better he would think the chimera is….

“Are you okay?” Liam stops what he’s doing on his phone, while he watches Theo become more and more wolfed out. It isn’t like him to be so out of control. He teases Liam about how much he lets things bother him, and seeing Theo starting to become the same way almost hurts him. To see Theo lose it makes him start to grow even more nervous.

Theo looks over at him, his eyes shifting to yellow, as Liam takes a step forward, probably about to be punched, or have another torn t-shirt.  He carefully takes Theo’s hands and turns them over, eyeing the claw marks and dried blood. He’s surprised he hasn’t been shoved backwards yet.

“Any reason abandoned houses freak you out?” Liam asks, gazing at Theo as he starts to smell the embarrassment coming off him. 

“They don’t. It’s not the house.” Theo keeps his eyes averted, looking towards the floor, and Liam almost wants to hug him, or maybe yell at him. He’s not sure which. Theo is always closed off, never letting anyone discuss what’s going on with him, and just once, Liam wants to know what’s happening in his head.

“I’m actually not a huge fan of the dark. My dad always used to leave the lights off and complain about how I was wasting electricity. My biological dad. I was 4.” Liam contemplates how he only ever told Mason that, and nearly regrets saying it, but Theo’s shoulders start to relax. His gaze now drifts up to lock on Liam.

“I don’t like being locked in anywhere. I was locked in at night when I was with the dread doctors as a kid.” Theo says it so quietly that Liam barely hears it, and his heartbeat skips at the look of vulnerability the chimera has on his face. That he is allowing Liam to see.

“You’re not with the dread doctors. You’re with me.” He swallows, his throat feeling too dry, and feeling too exposed right now. Exposed to his own feelings and what Theo’s intense gaze is doing to him.  

“Liam!!?” Mason’s voice shouts from behind the door.

“Mason? Are you okay?” Liam worriedly asks, still keeping his eyes on Theo, but leaning closer to the door to hear what’s going on.

“Yes. There’s some kind of new mountain ash, or whatever out here. I guess chimera’s can’t cross it either. Corey heard someone upstairs. We thought you were right behind us when he ran out of the house. I can’t open it either. It’s almost like something is preventing it. It must have happened when the door shut. Sit tight, I’ll see if we can call Deaton.” Mason calls to him, and Liam relaxes slightly at knowing his friends are okay.

“Told you it would be a trap.” Theo smirks at him, and Liam huffs out a laugh, and realizes he’s still holding the chimera’s hands. He quickly lets go, but he catches the little hitch in Theo’s breathing as his fingers graze his, and that’s….something they should talk about, but they can wait until they're out of here. Liam would rather Theo be calm, and happy. 

He likes when Theo smells happy.

for @waterloou

[veliseraptor]

i feel like i just did this but tumblr tells me it was in fact almost a month ago. guess it's just that I've written very little in the interim.

story is: long flight coming up on sunday so it's 150 words meme time as usual! send me up to three numbers from the list of fics below and I'll write 150 words in the fic of your choice

15 options and a wider range of fandoms than usual! 2 dragon age, 1 svsss, 1 doctrine of labyrinths, 1 trigun, 1 silm, 5 kinnporsche and 4 cql/mdzs. no lymond this time only cause i need the internet for that. go forth

1. “I mean, you could’ve left, probably would’ve been easier,” Anders said. He let out a stuttering, uncertain laugh. “I remember being pretty out of it.” 

He honestly, Fenris realized, hadn’t considered it. After killing the Templars, going to retrieve Anders had seemed like the only thing to do. Perfectly reasonable and natural. It wasn’t that he’d made a decision to take Anders with him so much as he hadn’t chosen not to. 

“I wasn’t thinking,” Fenris said.

“So you’re saying you would’ve left me if you had been?” Anders said, but he sounded more amused than upset. “Nice to know it’s not your default, anyway.”

“Force of habit,” Fenris said, returning with new vigor to his task. (the best all lack conviction)

2. He hadn’t seen any blades yet. If he moved fast now – Wolfwood wasn’t sure what it’d take, exactly, to kill an independent Plant. He couldn’t’ve done it before, when Millions Knives was at the height of his power. But Knives was vulnerable now, like this. Weaker. There wouldn’t be a better chance. He could find out what it took. Punisher had a lot of bullets. And also a laser.

“Nai, huh,” Wolfwood said, his brain whirring. Knives shifted, again poised to run. Shifted his bare feet, which Wolfwood found himself staring at. Vash was dead because of this guy. He’d made Wolfwood into a monster, made Livio into…something else. He would’ve killed every human being on the planet. Probably in the universe, if he got the chance. Sure, he was just a teenager now, but teenagers grew up, and he’d only get more dangerous.

He was also a fucking teenager. (The Second Coming)

3. Kinn didn’t learn that Vegas had been shot, was in surgery, and might die for almost three hours after the coup ended. His first thought was a funny, unfamiliar pang of concern; the second was a bitter good riddance, and that was the one he stuck with. He didn’t ask any further questions and nobody tried to tell him anything. He hadn’t seen Pete since that night, but he knew he was still around, not far. He tried not to think too hard about where he was.

He knew Porsche went to see him – Pete, that was. And Vegas.

Porsche didn’t tell him he was visiting Vegas. He didn’t mention Vegas at all. But Kinn knew, and it left a sour taste in his mouth that had him visualizing shooting Vegas dead next to his father. Vegas wasn’t a threat to him anymore, Kinn reminded himself. He was defanged, declawed. Also, he wasn’t even conscious. (Tilted Axis)

4. “You know people say that’s dangerous to just casually play around with,” Wei Wuxian said, and Xue Yang was ready to say that it was pretty rich of Wei Wuxian to say that, but looking at his face Xue Yang thought he was probably joking. 

“Sure, for people who are bad at it,” Xue Yang said. “Hasn’t killed me yet.” 

“I get the impression you’re hard to kill,” Wei Wuxian said. Xue Yang smiled at him. 

“Despite a few peoples’ best efforts.  I guess I can claim that one on you, huh?” (demonic cultivator team up)

5. It made him feel crazy, sometimes, the way the main family acted like they were family even though everybody knew it was fake. Right up until they didn’t, anyway, when the mask came off and Kinn had a gun in his face. If Kinn shot Vegas he’d be in trouble. If Vegas shot Kinn he’d be dead. 

Kin when it was convenient. 

Fuck, he felt like he was drowning.

Vegas waited until Macau left to say to Pete, “if he kills me don’t retaliate. Get out, get Macau, and leave the country. There’s passports in a safety deposit box under the name–” 

“Khun Korn isn’t going to kill you,” Pete said. Vegas’s lip curled. 

“Because he’s so fair?” he said. 

“It’s not a good move,” Pete said. Then added, “right now.” 

Vegas knew he was probably right. He wasn’t a threat, after all. Killing him would provoke another panic when Korn was trying to settle things down, to project strength and unity. There was a part of Vegas that wanted his uncle to prove Pete wrong, though, because at least then he would know he mattered. (post canon vegaspete long(er) fic)

6. “The Champion,” the Seeker said, when Cullen didn’t reply. He couldn’t help a wince.

“What about her,” he said, carefully neutral. 

“Where is she?” 

Cullen sighed. “You’re not the first person to ask me. I don’t know. Hawke left the Gallows after…after the fighting was ended, along with her companions. She might’ve gone anywhere, from there.” 

“You were there,” the Seeker said. Her eyes truly were unusually penetrating. “You witnessed…”

“The Knight-Commander going mad and bringing statues to life before turning into a statue herself?” Cullen said. His voice came out more snappish than he meant it to. “Yes, I did. I doubt I can tell you any more than you already know. I thought it was just a mage rebellion, like in…as in Ferelden’s Circle during the Blight.” And that was all he was going to say about that. “I fought along with Hawke and her friends to…deal with what Meredith had become.”

“And you let them leave.” 

It was all Cullen could do not to drop his face into the palms of his hands. “Yes,” he said. “I let them leave. What was I supposed to do? (Salvage)

7. “Are you okay, man? How’re your–” Porsche gestured at Pete’s chest and Pete flinched like he’d touched him even though obviously he hadn’t. Stupid, he thought angrily, but held his smile. 

“I’m okay. It’s okay,” he said. “Pretty much healed, I’m back on duty now with Khun Noo. It’s good.” 

Porsche squinted at him in a way Pete might’ve found funny if he didn’t feel the seeping guilt that said you’re lying to him, why are you lying to him, why don’t you just tell him the truth, isn’t he your friend–

That didn’t mean Pete had to tell him everything or even that there was anything to tell. It wasn’t Porsche’s business. There was no it to be his business, even. 

He still felt bad. 

“I’m really okay,” he repeated determinedly. “Sorry I didn’t bring you back any food from home.” (jiggety-jig)

8. He stepped back and held the door open for Porsche to come in. He resisted the urge to close the door on Porsche’s bodyguard shadow, giving him a sharp smile instead. The way he twitched was a little bit reassuring. 

Pete was sleeping; he hadn’t been lying about that. He probably would’ve wanted to wake up for Porsche, if he knew Porsche was here. As far as Vegas was concerned he didn’t have to. “Make yourself at home,” Vegas said coolly, gesturing at the living room. He twitched his head in the direction of the guard and added, “new meat?” 

“Don’t be a dick,” Porsche said, scraping against Vegas’s already frayed nerves. He almost said if you think this is me being a dick you’ve really forgotten what I’m capable of but it would just sound like – would just be – stupid posturing. Knowing that didn’t improve things any.  (Undercut)

9. “What,” Song Lan said, tensing. “What is it?” 

“What? Oh,” Xue Yang said. “Nothing, just thought of something else. It’s not important right now. You could always just try taking the fight to the thing itself - try to track it to its lair before it comes to us.” 

Song Lan frowned. “What did you think of?”

“You know what your problem is, Song-daozhang, you’re so nosy,” Xue Yang said, though he didn’t actually sound upset. “I’ll tell you later, okay? Stay focused.” 

There was something deeply and awfully funny to Song Lan about Xue Yang telling him to focus, but it wasn’t the kind of humor that made him want to laugh. He studied Xue Yang, weighing the odds that he was telling the truth versus the possibility that Xue Yang was keeping back something potentially dangerous. 

“Oh, come on,” Xue Yang said. “I promise it’s nothing that’ll hurt you or any of those so-called innocents you’re so worried about. Swear on it. Can we go back to the people-eating luck-god now?” (Walking Far from Home)

10. *Xingchen?* Song Lan said gingerly, after a while. The stain on his bandage kept spreading, but he just shook his head.

*You must think me so…* He trailed off. *I’m so tired, Zichen.* 

*Then rest,* Song Lan said. *Whatever you need.* 

Xingchen didn’t bring up Xue Yang again, or ask any further questions about him, but his silence felt somehow conspicuous. A palpable absence, like Song Lan’s own silence. He didn’t know what lay within it and wavered between wanting to and wishing he wasn’t aware of the negative space at all. 

Because Xue Yang was still present, a ghost in their shadows who couldn’t be dispersed. There was no spirit to banish, but he lingered all the same. (Life After Death)

11. A-Qing’s lower lip wobbled. Xiao Xingchen could see her fighting not to cry. “What’re you going to do about it,” she said. “Beat up my parents?” 

Xue Yang cocked his head slightly. It wasn’t an unfamiliar motion but for some reason watching him do it now made Xiao Xingchen want to shiver, thinking of some kind of hawk studying a blissfully unaware rodent. 

“Are you asking because you wish somebody would?” he asked, apparently completely serious. Xiao Xingchen looked back and forth between them, wide-eyed, his heart beating too quickly. What is going on, he wanted to ask, but his mouth was glued shut. 

“Sometimes,” a-Qing said, very quietly. Xue Yang cocked his head in the other direction, then shrugged. 

“Well,” he said, tone shifting abruptly to something much lighter, “if you ever want any hot tips about how you can really fuck up your gene donor’s day without getting in trouble, I’ve got a bunch.” (Redux)

12. His foot hit something and it rolled. Vegas crouched down and reached out, feeling carefully until he found something hard. He picked it up and brought it right up to his nose, struggling to make it out. When he had it, his blood turned icy.

It was a syringe. An empty syringe.

Fuck, Vegas thought. Fuck, fuck. He had no way of knowing what’d been in it, or how much, or how long it’d been, and there were too many possibilities. Or it could be fucking nothing, just mind games or not even anything to do with Vegas.

He wasn’t stupid enough to believe that for a second. He couldn’t exactly check for puncture wounds in the dark but even if he found one that wouldn’t tell him anything either. He was sweaty and warm but that could just as easily be the temperature itself and nothing to do with whatever drug they might’ve given him. (All's Fair)

13. Still, since that first night and whatever he’d done to me then there’d been no talk of hocus stuff. It was all about making it so I looked right and talked right and knew all the right flashie manners and all that, but no spells or anything. I hardly even saw Malkar do anything and I was watching for it. 

Eventually I worked up some nerve, because I thought maybe he was waiting for me to say something. We were eating dinner and I was being real careful to be doing everything right and trying to think the best way to say it. 

“Excuse me, Malkar,” I said, minding my vowels. “May I ask a question?”

Malkar set down his fork and looked at me. My guts got all tight and I almost dropped my eyes down to my plate but Malkar said I looked like a coquette when I did that, and not like it was a good thing.  (Pygmalion)

14. It was not as though Tuor expected Maeglin to be grateful that he had saved his life. He knew he wouldn’t be. You had no right to take my choice from me. What he underestimated was his determination to destroy himself anyway.

The first indication that they were going to have a problem came with the fact that, not even a day after Maeglin woke – two days since they’d left Gondolin – he tried to leave. Tuor appealed to his guilt, appealed to his familial bonds, without success. He even brought up the White Lady, and for a moment when Maeglin paused thought he had made progress, only to receive the coldest look he’d ever gotten from him.

Finally, he tried for a stopgap measure. A week, he said. That would allow some time for this desperation to pass, the urge to weaken, to pull Maeglin out of his half-death and back among the living. 

In the end Tuor had to knock him off his horse and bind his hands to stop him from fleeing. (time for all the works and days of hands)

15. “So suspicious, Mingyan-niangzi,” Sha Hualing said. “So hostile.”

“Tell me I shouldn’t be,” Liu Mingyan said, still standing so straight and proud and…ugh. She drove Sha Hualing insane sometimes, her perfect posture and perfect eyes and perfect…her face wasn’t that perfect. Sha Hualing was pretty sure she only wore that veil so people would think she was special, but Sha Hualing had seen her face and it wasn’t like – okay, she was pretty but not that pretty. She’d seen prettier, for sure, only she couldn’t think who right now, and why was she thinking so much about Liu Mingyan’s prettiness anyway.

“You shouldn’t be,” Sha Hualing said, annoyed. “But if you’re going to be like that I can always just go.” There was no point in trying to finish her business here with Liu Mingyan sticking to her like a burr. She’d just have to come back and try again some other day. 

“Where’re you going?” Liu Mingyan asked. Sha Hualing made a face where Her Highness Miss Perfect Cultivator couldn’t see it. (under pressure)

[marshmallowprotection]

Hypothetically, how would Unknown react to me chomping on his collarbone? Like, a really light and respectful chomp, not even enough for it to sting or leave any marks. Bonus points if I tell him that he's really boney and should eat more sustainably.

Okay look, his collarbone is like completely exposed and some part of me is completely fearless I guess 😶

Unknown isn't one to appreciate people in his personal space like that for any reason. The only reason you even get to be within the same breathing distance as him is that you're stuck in that room with him as his assistant. Nobody else is within spitting distance of him. You’re here because you didn’t know how to listen and damn, did he ever think he could rip that streak out of you if he tried hard to bite back.

You should count yourself lucky in that because nobody gets to be that close to someone like him. He is going to be the one who delivers salvation to paradise at the speed of light and you get to witness that firsthand. So, why... you're the kind of person that wants to get in the way of his work? You're supposed to be working for him, not working against him. It's tedious on the good days and it's exhausting on the bad days.

It's obvious that if you get in his corner, he is going to make you pay for it greatly when he has the time to focus on you completely. So, with that in mind, are you going to go against him knowing that you'll have to pay for it with some form of repercussions in the future? There’s always some kind of stipulation, setback, or punishment. Of course, that hasn't stopped you before and it's not going to stop you now, is it?

So, set the stage, he’s decided you’re useful as a blanket. The room is chilly and the weight of your body pressed against his isn’t so bad. You know he does this to you because he needs to feel something... it’s not about terrifying you with the world of digits and numbers. You couldn’t be scared of something that you hadn’t a clue about. He could preach up and down all day about fear and control, but it was never going to scare you the way he wanted.

When he does this, he hardly talks to you unless he has a point to make. It can be exhausting and isolating to listen to him that way. The only sound in that room for as long as you can take it, is the sound of humming and breathing.

There's nothing else going on in that room. It’s always like that. He says nothing and you say nothing. That’s it. If it weren't for the fact that you had something to focus on, I.E. the feeling of his weak body warmth,  it would feel as though you were alone. Sometimes you can't help but wonder if that's the way he feels. it doesn't matter where he is, and it doesn't matter who's with him, it still feels like he's always going to be alone. 

That’s... sad, wouldn’t you say?

Well, the best cure to that is to take your mind off of it. Being so close to him like this mean you get to eye him from a place nobody does. You see his long lashes flutter when his brows further, or the way his lips tuck underneath his top row of teeth when he’s mad, or the small swell in his throat when he swallows now and again. His chest rises as he breathes, and you can’t help it. You stare at his soft skin... his throat... his shoulders and exposed chest. For someone as scrawny and lost as him, his features do stand out when you’ve got nowhere else to look.

What else would you do at that moment but dip your head lower to nip at his collarbone? Was there really any other option at that moment? It was like an impulsive urge that you couldn't control. You wanted his attention and you knew that this was one way to make sure that it happened. It should be no surprise to you that he reacts quicker than lightning. His body is extra sensitive for whatever reason and he knows when there's something amiss.

Be it from demons you know nothing about or the past that he refuses to tell you, he knows when somebody makes a subtle movement. Unknown is quick to grab the back of your head and pull you away from him so he can look you in the eye. At this point, you're not scared of him. You know that there are things he can do but none of them terrify you now. There are punishments and blame games but really, those are nothing in the grand scheme of things. If all you get is a tongue lashing, you could care less.

He sneers, his narrowed eyes unsure of your intent.

“You know, you’re all skin and bones, boss. You should do something about that. If you’d let me make you a half-decent meal instead of using me like a weighted blanket, maybe I wouldn’t need to take drastic measures to get your attention,” you said.

“I can do something about your mouth,” he retorted. His hands didn’t leave your hair, though. He gripped it tighter and watched you wince. “You know, you're the only person that has the gall to bite me. I got to give you credit for one thing, you really don't have any will to live, assistant.”

“My will is yours,” you replied, though the bite and cheek to your tone was clearly apparent.

Unknown leaned in closer, his hot breath rolled down your cheek as his mind seemed to wander, and that made your stomach flop. “Oh, really? If that's the case, I bet you won't mind if I bite back, then.”

Unfortunately for him, that was exactly what you wanted. It was fun and games with him until he decided to turn the table like that. Better then nothing. That had been your best attempt yet.  You weren't going to complain. Distracting him from his work meant that he wasn't going to exhaust himself. If all it took was a little teeth, you weren't going to be holding back anymore. 

[mdhwrites]

I’m 27 Today! Let’s Talk About How I Write and How It’s Not What You’re Expecting

So to get it out of the way: It’s my birthday today! I don’t have any special plans today but I do have plans for Chinese and the D&D movie tomorrow with my family that I’m excited for. If you want to give me any sort of present, buying my books and leaving reviews on them is sincerely the best thing you can do for me. It is my job after all. But I thought I’d take today to let you all know what the process of writing looks like for me. After all, I talk a lot about stories, planning, structure, etc. like that. Writing isn’t an easy art form, even if technically anyone can writer. We’re all taught the basics as kids after all. Consuming books can genuinely make you a better writer because you’re exposed to every element of writing with them. I mostly learned writing from the books I read voraciously when I was younger and then cleaned up my style and learned the proper rules of writing through editors. I haven’t taken a single college course or the like on creative writing after all. A lot of what I know is from experimentation, extrapolation, etc. like that. But enough of that. Let’s get into my process. So first, naturally, start with concept. What is it I want to write about. Let’s take one of my works I don’t talk about as much: Under the Boughs of Love. Its concept was simple: Follow a girl growing up with the help of a living tree and her best friend/first love. Add a troubled family life because this was inspired by Lumischa and you have the base concept. Second, though mostly optional, is style. On a grander level, this could be said to be the point where I decide if a concept is fanfiction or original fiction. How drastic of an AU is often the deciding factor for that though. With this, I’m actually talking about things like the story being done in a journal style or if it’s going to be first person or third person. For Under the Boughs, I decided to explicitly make the structure be that every year was one chapter. That way it could fulfill the desire of the passing of time while making how much time had passed clear, consistent and also gives it a good, brisk pace that it might not have otherwise. I then figure out what character archtypes are going to work for the story, bare minimum the main character, and then I start writing. This usually can happen within five minutes of forming the concept. Sometimes less if I don’t need to use the bathroom or the like. That... Isn’t a joke. So understand that I’ve tried making this sort of blog a LOT of times to try and explain how I function as a writer and I always get stuck in that everything I’m explaining feels very obvious to me. I never get into the weird fact that my brain runs a BILLION MILES AN HOUR. And when I board the train of a concept, it’s going whether I have everything in place or not. And I don’t think that’s wholly bad. One of my biggest strengths as a writer I think is improvisation. That the discoveries I make of characters as I write them don’t present obstacles to me but instead opportunities. Let’s take Blair from Rich Witch as an example. She has a bit too blunt of an introduction in my opinion and the crueler parts of her personality come out before much of anything else. This actually fits thematically with Azu but the question becomes to me: Why? Why does my brain demand she be so aggressive from go? And so there’s a chapter spent having the characters ask her that and so we get to explore a side character and what the training that had them isolated for three months did to their brain and how they’re kind of having to adjust. Rather than make the incongruity be a problem, I ask how I can use it to my advantage. How can I world build with it, what are the storytelling opportunities I can come up with it and what am I learning about my own perception of a character with it? Not to say I don’t plan at all. I might start a story with minimally a plan but that can work more than fine for a chapter or two and especially for a one off where you don’t need much more of a plan than the concept. It’s just that I can start with very little and the planning I do do? It’s all kept in my brain as I ruminate over the larger moments I’ll be going for. Consider what I just wrote and what I can do with it. Consider what the larger story I want to tell. But a lot of it is built off of what I discover in the early stages of writing a story as much as any other part.

It’s where I get my statement that I have ‘good instincts’. This ESPECIALLY is true in regards of themes. I’ve bullshitted my way through claiming themes for my stories for a long time but that’s not a part of my planning or my core writing style. It wouldn’t even make sense with my goals. Because my goal as a writer, above ANYTHING else, is to just give a coherent, enjoyable story. If it’s deep and can be considered some grand piece of art: Cool. But I don’t give a shit. My goal is to make the stories I want to make and hope that someone else enjoys it too. Themes and the like are entirely secondary to me than that. There’s only one of my works, especially that I’m proud of, that’s different and that’s Crises Girlfriends. And, frankly, it wasn’t so much a theme as a demand from my personal experiences. The story could not have love be what cured the two’s mental health problems. I did not want to perpetuate that dangerous story telling crutch if I was going to make something inspired by my personal journey. Love can support, it can help, but it is not the cure. Does that mean I changed my planning style so as to make sure the therapy lessons were geared for them? Or that I went hard into how to make it so that the two girls had mental health issues that played into that concept? Nope. Their mental health issues are rooted in their characters. In fact, besides the archtype fitting for a story, I don’t explicitly make sure their whole being revolves around how useful it is to the plot. This is where a lot of that discovery aspect comes into play. The plot informed their archtype, their attitude informs the flavor of their help in the plot, that flavor informs shifts in others, interactions, etc. like that, even to the point where a chapter may entirely change because my brain just goes “Nah man. That just isn’t going to fly with these characters.” It literally stopped there from being a sex scene in one of my erotica books. That’s not a joke either. One of my erotica works has fan service and the like but the sex scene gets called out as not being sincere, as being manipulative, and the dude goes “I am all for a booty call but I want to know the girl is going to be into it as well. I can tell you’re not so I’m going back to bed.” That was explicitly not the plan but the ramifications of that one moment where I couldn’t justify the sex rippled into the second and third books in The Daughters of Dusk series. Now I could stop here and be like “And this is what makes me such an oddball author and analyst,” but if you’ve read my analytical blogs, you know I’m not willing to be unfair. Both sides need to be accounted for. And let’s face it, I’m not perfect. I’ve made bland characters. I’ve had to sidestep a plot issue I’ve put in front of myself. While I think my style works 90% of the time, there’s one moment in Rich Witch which haunts me because it feels like a betrayal of Azu’s powers that shouldn’t be there and it’s in the FIRST CHAPTER. Not that it’s technically impossible or the like but that it’s not something I would have done had I cared more about the rules of her magic at the time.

Hell, I have an entire BOOK scrapped because I didn’t like how awkward and janky it ended up being, I do try to do some amount of personal quality control after all. I also work alone though mostly so, you know... It’s hard to always catch the mistakes but I haven’t found anyone in a long time I can rely on giving me feedback on my works, especially in any sort of timely manner. And I don’t have the money to hire an editor or proofreader.

And... Well, if it sounds like a mind that can work so fast is nothing but a good thing, I have bad news for you. See... What do I do about my negative thoughts? My brain races so much that I constantly am distracting myself so I don’t have to think. So my depression and anxiety don’t eat me alive. It’s why I’m disabled. Worse yet is that only a couple days ago, talking to my therapist, did I finally realize that my biggest trigger as a person is engaging honestly with my emotions. I don’t react well ANYTIME I think about how I’m feeling. Happy or sad. That’s a problem when my style of writing ONLY works by engaging my hyper analytical brain with my emotional brain. I can’t write without those two functioning properly or else I don’t connect with the characters as I’m supposed to. It all becomes very functional and it takes so much more work on my part to put anything down, especially if I’m not trying to forget mannerisms or reactions. It’s a struggle I’m still grappling with. That I’ve fought with myself for eight years now and I don’t really know when it’s going to change. Until the day it does though, thank you all for continuing to support and listen to me. It means the world to me and I wish I gave you all back more than I do because of it. That I showed you all the stories I have in my mind rather than hiding away as I usually do. But I am also only twenty seven. I have a long time to find the healthy way for me to return to whoever it was who was able to write eight thousand words, minimum, a day for over two months a couple years ago. Until then, know I never forget a story and I’ll keep sharing what wisdom I’ve learned so long as you’re all interested in it. ========= I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead, If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

[5sosfanfictioncatalogue]

Friends To Lovers Masterlist

part two

All The Mistakes I've Made (ao3) - mukeofficial michael/luke E, 33k

Summary: After spending over a week separated from Michael when he lost his passport in the States, Luke was relieved to finally be reunited with him. But after spending some more time with his best friend, Luke realizes his feelings for Michael are a lot stronger than he ever intended.

Crash Into Me (ao3) - CaptnSlash luke/calum T, 16k

Summary: The band is touring in America when the unthinkable happens: the tour bus is involved in an accident and Calum is seriously injured. Luke is faced with the possibility of losing the love of his life and Michael and Ashton lend their support.

if i knew from the start, would it change a thing? (ao3) - acetominophen luke/ashton N/R, 35k

Summary: "All I painted was you, Ash. It was always you." But Ashton wasn't listening to him at all. His silver-lined eyes were trained on the hand-written words at the bottom of the canvas, unblinking.

Luke's gaze followed his and his lips parted because shit, he'd forgotten. He'd forgotten that he'd titled this one.

'Poisoned myself again. LH'.

Artist!Luke Cowboy!Ashton

It's Always Been You (ao3) - LyricalPary (hoseoky) michael/calum E, 14k

Summary: Michael climbs into Calum's bed sometimes, and although it has definitely become a habit, it's not necessarily a bad one.

kiss in the kitchen like it's a dance floor (ao3) - bellawritess michael/calum T, 4k

Summary: Calum hums. "I could stay with you."

Again Michael's heart gives a lurch. "Really?"

"Yeah, why not?"

Not Without You (ao3) - pilotmikey michael/luke G, 3k

Summary: Michael doesn’t want to go to prom without a date, but Luke doesn't want to go to prom without Michael.

Off-stage (ao3) - nothingliketherain (39_killer_queen) ot4 T, 6k

Summary: Or 3 times the boys kiss Luke on stage + 1 time Luke kisses them all off stage

Return the favor (ao3) - low_key luke/calum M, 19k

Summary: How do I get away when you're begging me to stay?

Where Calum has a crush and Luke wants to explore his sexuality

Stage Lights (ao3) - @ashtcnirwin (elivigar) luke/ashton E, 14k

Summary: No, beyond the initial surprise the sting of arousal brought him, Ashton doesn’t worry about his apparent interest in penises and what said interest might mean. Maybe it means nothing at all, maybe it means he’s not as straight as he’s been led to believe up until this point in time. Whether it’s option one, option two or something in between, Ashton doesn’t really care.

But why did the penis that made him question everything have to be Luke’s?

The Best Thing (the way it's supposed to be) (ao3) - gravityinglass michael/calum m, 87k

Summary: Or, the story of how 5 Seconds of Summer became a band (starting from the beginning) and how Michael Clifford realized he’d always been in love with Calum Hood (not starting from the beginning, not even close), and how taking on the world turned out to be less daunting than it seemed.

Warm On A Cold Night (ao3) - LyricalPary (hoseoky) luke/ashton T, 6k

Summary: In retrospect, Luke probably shouldn’t have offered to give Ashton a ride. He knows that now, thanks to the awkward silence and the nerves in the pit of his belly. But at the same time, what was he supposed to do? Leave Ashton standing out there in the harsh cold of winter? Of course not. Good people don’t do such things, and Luke likes to think of himself as a fairly good guy.

(Or, Luke and Ashton get stuck during a snow storm. But, maybe it's not as terrible as it seems.)

we put the world away (ao3) - prophecygrl michael/calum T, 8k

Summary: Michael and Calum grew up playing pretend. As they got older, they never really stopped.

whatever it is you need, i pray i am (ao3) - emiliathegreat (puckdummy) michael/ashton E, 3k

Summary: Michael really likes Ashton and has finally decided to stop running from his feelings.

when did the diamonds leave your bones (ao3) - orphan_account luke/ashton E, 41k

Summary: It should be embarrassing, the way Ashton’s looking at him right now, but it’s much better than the last one he gave him; one of pure hurt, like he could never be forgiven for what he’d done. If Ashton still hates him—if he ever did, and Luke suspects he might have—he’s at the very least not letting it show.

“Do you want—something?” Luke asks, gesturing behind himself towards the kitchen, but he’s not entirely sure if that’s what he’s asking.

“Can I stay here for a few days?”

(or, eighteen months into an indefinite hiatus, Ashton shows up on Luke's doorstep and moves into his spare room.)

You were mine for a night. (ao3) - Perfectdream michael/luke N/R, 6k

Summary: Michael and Luke know it : they can't be together.

Unless that, tonight, everything is possible and the world is theirs.

[bellevvalencia]

Love

started November 2023, finished January 27, 2024

“When you finally know what love is,” a friend said when we were fourteen, “write about it and tell me.”

In high school, I talked a lot about love like I lived for it. It didn’t matter that I’ve never had it or felt it or looked for it before. I believed in it and in whatever religious and romantic gift I was promised. I believed that I could speak and think about it very well. I believed that I could express it in words and in actions when, in the right time, I had all the reasons to.

That was probably the case for most of us.

We were kids; it was our job to try to get to know it better and better everyday and find out every year that it changes as we do. It was in our big big hearts and small small brains that we are entitled to it, and we had a right to it, no matter how much the older people disapproved of it.

You’re just kids.

And because we were kids, we’d try, anyway.

In college, I thought it was irrational whenever exes got back together. It should be easy, I’d think, to let go and choose themselves, the potential they could make with other people. Because the feeling could be anywhere. It should be easy to look forward to being single and owning your life with endless options. Because it could only get better, especially when you’re nineteen, and you had all the time and all the light of the world.

It was a complicated idea that I couldn’t quite understand. How do you love so easily when people are hard to love? How do you love so fully when people are picky? How do you love so closely when people always push away?

And when you’re twenty, you’re supposed to be thinking about what you’re supposed to make of yourself. When you think of the scary path and the pressure that beats the pot, giving yourself to someone who had even a 10% chance of eventually throwing it all away seemed like a waste of time.

But suddenly, I was twenty-two, I was willing to die for a boy who would never do the same for me, and I understood why, despite the long rationale, people come running back to each other.

Partially, it’s because it’s never my priority. Mostly, it’s because I got tired of justifying that love should be whatever I was promised it was.

A decade ago, somebody told me that I was lucky to have loved and be loved in return, even if it was only something that I led myself to believe. I am stuck with that line until today. On some days, I consider it beautiful, but on others, when my face is planted deep on the ground, I take it as absolutely insulting.

I would be lying down on the floor after a full day and laughing, thinking, oh my God, is it really that hard?

If I could do all of the things I do right now and do it well, why is this one thing that I lived to tell a tale about so hard?

When I felt what it was like to love and be loved, even if it was only something that I led myself to believe, I decided to call bullshit on love being so perfectly beautiful.

The truth about love is that it is everything that we think it is, but not always. Love is not always kind. It is not always forgiving and it is not always patient. Sometimes it envies and sometimes it boasts. Love is a lot of stupid things. It is an oxymoron. It is good and bad at the same time. It is an irony. It is a crippling reward. It is a miserable compromise. It is a bearable pain. It is big and it is small. It’s in the grand little things. It’s in the little grand things. It cannot be calm without the chaos. Sometimes it lacks. Sometimes it brushes you off. Sometimes it ditches you for a date. Sometimes it leaves you without warning. It is a feeling. It is a very good feeling. It motivates you and inspires you. God, it is a whole lot of different things. It’s in those whole lot of different things. And even then, when it is not always what you expect it to be, it continues to complete you.

I completely believe it. Even a love that is so incomplete completes you.

In your lifetime, you get a lot of chances to find out what love is about, and more often than not, you don’t really get to recognize it as it happens. You love places, things, seasons, and blends. You love a certain weather and you love a certain song that goes with it. You love that one little journal you kept when you felt like you were nothing. You love a certain color and you love a certain person that wears it well. You love that one nostalgic smell that never seems to match any of what you own now. You love a certain place and you love a certain emotion that springs when you pass by. You love that one cartoon show that you only started as a joke. You love your pets with your whole life. You love nature and the sky and the way it makes you feel. You love filling out every second of your everyday. You love your fake life. You love your real life. You love your family and you love your friends and their family. You love people. Damn, you love people. You love your parents. You love your siblings. You love a person. You love a soul. You love yourself. You love God. You love time. You love your life.

When all is said and done about love, it continues to be all the reasons why.

Why do you continue to fight? Why do you continue to hate? Why do you keep leaving? Why do you keep coming back? Why do you dwell in the hurt? Why do you avoid the hurt? Why are you so angry? Why are you so happy?

Why, despite all the knowing, do you still choose to do what you do? To laugh when you find out how hard it is, and to try again when you finally know what the worst of it feels like. Or to leave, let live, and let go, because you’ve had enough.

Love is the answer—even if it’s only something that you lead yourself to believe.

The knowing is one thing.

At the end, no matter what age and season and blend it is, living in it is another.

[awsarhub]

Big Pay Day At Campus Placements of IIM Ahmedabad

Here’s an example: Maureen Nelson. Maureen worked for Employer A, which was located across the street from Company B. Employer A was a contract position and Maureen needed benefits, so she went to B. Company B had buyer’s remorse after two months (Maureen never knew why) and she was asked to resign.

Maureen called Employer A back, and they said, “Great! Can you be here tomorrow morning at 9:00?” Because they were so close geographically, the commute was identical, and her routine hardly changed

The story gets better, though. Maureen explains,

Doing All the Right Things

Another person had done everything you should do when it came to both her job search and to evaluating a position at one of the top employers in the United States. She interviewed several times, researched the company, evaluated the job offer, and talked to her future co-workers and supervisor.

Presuming that she had made a good decision, she packed her bags and relocated to a new city to take what she thought was an exciting new job. Only it wasn’t. The position was nothing like anyone had described it.

The only explanation she got when she asked about the difference between the job she thought she was hired for and what she was doing, was that she could work her way up to more responsibility.

Starting Your Job Search Over

Unfortunately, luck doesn’t always work in your favor. Sometimes, the employer has filled the position or doesn’t want you back, and you’re either stuck with your new job or you’ll have to find something else.

For example, someone leaves his job for a new position. But he decides he hates his new job on the day he starts. He calls his old company to see if they’ll hire him back. However, he hadn’t performed as well at his old job as he should have so the company had looked at the resignation as an opportunity to start fresh with a new employee.

If going back to your old job isn’t an option, take some time to see if you were judging the job or the company in haste. Sometimes, our first impressions aren’t correct, and the job might be a better fit than you expected. Give it a chance and take some time to see if it’s as bad as you first thought.

If it really is that awful, start networking with your contacts and get your resume back into circulation. Be honest when you’re asked why you’re leaving a job you just started (and you will be).

Tell your contacts and the interviewer that the job wasn’t a good fit and you decided to pursue other options. You will probably need to provide details on why the position didn’t work out, so think about appropriate answers prior to interviewing. These sample interview answers on leaving your job may give you some ideas.

[alyjojo]

Family Ties 🪢 - November 2022 - Aquarius

Overall Energy: 4 Cups

You don’t feel like you have a lot of options with your family circle, which may be small or scattered. I’m getting a typical Aquarius family vibe of everyone’s just kinda off doing their own thing. The Devil clarifies, showing you feel stuck to the situation (family is like that sometimes), but also there’s some toxic element here with one or several people that you’ve waited to change, hoped would change, but probably won’t change. It leaves you feeling dissatisfied and unhappy. Or you’ve all but given up on hoping it will. You probably hope for an ideal family, but got one that has a lot of distance, possibly dysfunction, one that needs a lot of work…that you can’t do for others 🙏

Mother: 6 Pentacles & 3 Pentacles

You have a good relationship with Mom, there’s reciprocity and teamwork with both of you. She’s very communicative and tells you the truth always, even if she can be a bit cold and detached, coming up as Queen of Swords. Your father comes up as the King, with the Death card on his side these two are probably detached from each other - ex’s. Out of everyone here, the best relationship is with Mom, you may be generous with each other or even living together, paying bills together.

Father: The Empress rev & Death

Dad could be Scorpio, or air if this Sword King literally applies. Either they’re separated or he was never really around to begin with, it’s possible he doesn’t even know about you. If that’s the case, he or you could see the situation positively as in having “dodged a bullet”. He isn’t held accountable whatsoever, and has nothing to do with the mother. If he’s not so great of a person, it could be you that feels it’s for the best he’s not a regular part of things. He could be part of The Devil energy that came up in the beginning, possibly an addict or a person with really bad habits.

Siblings: 10 Pentacles & The Hermit

Clarified by 10 Cups & The Emperor. So dad has a whole other family you’re not a part of. You probably have siblings of some kind, but you don’t see them and you don’t really know them, they’re with Dad. If not for those reasons, they may be significantly different in age, and maybe have their own families & careers that they’re involved with, or are small and you’re grown. Something like that. They do seem to exist, and they seem to be happy, but they’re not with you.

Grandparents: 5 Swords & The Star

One of your grandparents may be another Aquarius, but it’s not like they understand you, because they don’t, and probably aren’t involved. 5 Swords is petty conflicts, nasty words, intellectually “superior” ways of behaving, that’s broken your heart with 3 Swords. They could be the sort that’s selfish and wholly concerned with themselves and their own well-being. It may have been a nasty conflict between your parents that caused them to check out entirely. You may have been kept from them and they eventually passed away. Either way the relationships with grandparents is a sad one, it makes you sad 😔

Spiritual Ancestors: 4 Wands, 7 Pentacles & Strength

If you’re living with family currently, you’re patiently biding your time. You know your family isn’t what you’d like it to be, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Queen of Wands may represent an Aries as an ancestor of yours, or someone in your life that’s going to bring you a lot of stability & happiness. Maybe they already do. If not a person, then you have the desire and motivation to create stability in your own life, because of the complicated dynamics you’ve experienced. Aries is a trailblazing sign of “I’ll do it myself” and that may be a dream of yours. You may not be able to act on these dreams just yet, 7 Pentacles is rest after hard work, Strength is either holding back or gathering the strength you need to accomplish these things. This message seems more like validation, you are being heard by Spirit and they see what you’re trying to manifest into your life. It may not be right away, but 9 Cups is a wish come true 💖