#paranoia fucking sucks

[commissionsdarian]

Right right focus on Lils everything's chill fine cool

[tears-exe]

Uggghhh

It's really annoying how easily my brain gets traumatized. I mean its just the way it is, but I can be annoyed.

I had a really fucked up/violent incident the other day. And of course it's gonna affect me.

But I know I'm safe now and everything but I'm unable to let myself sleep cause brain is still on guard.

Stupid fucking old ass survival instincts.

[cluescorner]

Arlecchino's whole deal is unbelievable

Arlecchino: Huh I wonder what's causing my weird powers? I can't really worry about that right now tho, I've gotta become King and then kill my "Mother".

*Kills Clervie and "Mother"*

Arlecchino: Huh I wonder why I was able to defeat a Fatui Harbinger when I'm like 17 or so? I can't really worry about that right now tho, I've gotta be in jail and become a Harbinger.

*Is in jail for a while and becomes a Harbinger*

Arlecchino: Huh I wonder why I am-

Pierro: Hey what's up hello, anyways you're descended from the Crimson Moon Dynasty of Khaenri'ah. I'm sure that this is a lot for you to take in so-

Arlecchino: Ok.

Pierro: ...You're just cool with that?

Arlecchino: IDK maybe? I can't really worry about that at the moment, I'm a father now. This orphanage full of children I love (who also are child soldiers and are not allowed to leave or else I'll execute them except maybe now I'm just gonna wipe their memories IDK I'm morally complex) isn't gonna run itself.

*Runs the orphanage/spy recruitment initiative*

Me, the fucking player: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE KHAENRI'AN? WHY WASN'T THIS BROUGHT UP IN YOUR FUCKING QUEST?? OR ANYTHING ELSE????

Arlecchino, talking to me through my phone: I honestly don't know why you care, I'm too busy to give a shit. Anyways, I'm gonna go fight fate itself I guess. I'm sure that I don't share any thematic parallels with any other Khaenri'an characters (particularly as it relates to acting and family angst) and that I haven't made the idea of 'curses' on Khaenri'ans and what they entail even more complicated than they already were. See ya.

[lumashoes]

oughhh i want to watch horror series but i am like a small child. like i am such an irrational shit "what if the mimic from hit analog horror series vita carnis shows up in my bed tonight??" FUCK LUMA ARE YOU FIVE

[mymarifae]

also this update has more personalized actually voiced lines from stelle periodically and it's making me really happy. because i adore her voice and we are BEATING those stupid "player insert" allegations. i picked "it's time for [march] to become the best swordmaster on the express" and then stelle just kinda tacks this snarky little comment on of her own volition

[lostt4nk]

being ( possibly ) schizophrenic and a horror fan sucks so fucking bad dude

analog horrors are one of my major interests and i recently watched the boiled one phenomenon and for the first time in awhile i was actually Disturbed by something and everything was fine until it got to be really late at night... i usually go to bed between 10-11 and i was up until 12-1 two nights in a row because i so scared to turn off my lights or go into my bathroom to shower because i was convinced that ugly red bitch was gonna GET ME!!!!!!!!!!! i haven't been so paralyzed by fear in such a long time and i wonder why it even happened in the first place... but it definitely confirmed that i need counseling or medication or something.

[freyfall]

i've been thinking about honesty and awareness a lot over the past... year, year and a half? what you can expect people to tell you, what you can ask, what you have to trust. what you have to look for, what people have to tell you, when it's time to listen and when it's time to stop. how does intention change things? does it at all?

it feels like the world is built on half truths and lies and implications and things felt but not said and the more and more I think about it the more and more it hurts me to think about how people communicate like that. where is your sense of good faith. where is your trust. and the more I get blindsided by people who behave that way around me the more distrustful I become over whether or not people mean what they say and it just becomes paranoia.

anyways I opened this post to talk about how I'm coming to terms with being autistic after my therapist Broke The News To Me and how it affects my communication and my sheer mountains of rsd/paranoia. and I just think I'm upset because I don't speak the same brain language as 95% of people I know and it's isolating and scary to be so afraid of people

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

do you guys mind if I'm a a Huge 8itch for a second

[brainfilehasstoppedworking]

You ever get so many bad thoughts they make your head race, your heart begins to feel funky, like it's beating fast when it's not and you feel exhausted now because your heart is feeling so damn funky you're gonna fucking pass out? Yeah.

[noraqrosa]

kinda fucked up that i'm mentally better than i've been in like a decade while being literally homeless rn

this whole situation really forced me to get my shit together better than i ever have, and i'm now finally taking antipsychotics, which is helping to stabilize the fuck outta me

and i know i really need 'em too, whenever i end up taking it later than i should've, i feel myself actively slipping away, spiraling into the aether and trying desperately to hold onto myself and hold it together; it's disconcerting, quite frankly

i'm still working thru a lot of fucked up shit in my head, especially my maladaptive coping mechanisms (i need a fucking therapist tbh), but i'm trying harder than ever, for the sake of myself and the ones around me

i really don't have a choice in the matter...but sometimes having no choice is the swift kick in the rear ya need

[quiltedguilt]

just finished a therapy session where i was told that my paranoia is stress induced but equally it’s causing all of my stress. we also talked about expectations and boundaries and how to communicate them without giving someone a guide on how to take advantage of me. and i just wanna say i really fucking hate people because the fact that i could communicate my boundaries and expectations to someone and they could use it to take advantage of me is fucking horrible.

[bbeeohazardd]

every day the rage gets more ever present and all consuming but fuck it we ball i guess

[angelstrawbabie420]

WHY do i have dreams that feel more real than life and are also 5 million times cooler. just woke up from one that felt like it lasted 12 hours and in that time i had held a house party, got extremely crossfaded, went to an amusement park, wandered the streets and nearly got hit by a car, went to a restaurant that looked identical to that from dua lipa’s training season mv which morphed back into my house where i was making a salad bar for everyone at the party, then almost went to a devil themed nightclub with everyone but i couldn’t because i needed some sort of christian identification to get in???? then my mom came home and made me take a bunch of drug tests. also there were several black cats and random huge dogs wandering around the whole time. i literally felt every sensation like it was as if i had been transported to another real life timeline that was incredibly wacky yet SUPER familiar (the house/town looked exactly like irl but with random added places.)

i also NEVER realize that i’m dreaming per se, i’m just like, “oh so this is my life now cool” and when i say i feel everything i mean it. it was humid and i could feel the mist on my face. i could taste the food. i felt paper bills underneath my fingertips whenever i wld pay for something. funniest part was i was JUST as poor in this dream as i am irl i found $6 in my wallet and lost my ever-loving shit bc i could get a gas station monster. oh and i stole from the gas station too??

this is a 3-4 times a week occurrence and when i wake up i do not feel rested, i feel like i would had i just done everything in whatever dream i woke up from (BAD.) i sometimes will confuse things i’ve done in dreams with what i’ve done in waking life, it just feels THAT real. i’ll wake up and it will take me a few decent minutes to distinguish between whether that experience was a dream, or if it was real and i just went to bed at the end of it and am waking up from that.

absolutely fucking bizarre shit but tbh it’s pretty rad and i’ve actually been able to get over fears i had irl bc i had the experience in the dream, and it felt so real that it was almost like i gained that xp in waking/real life. like something i never thought i’d be able to do/was nervous abt but now i can do it fine bc i’ve “gone through it.”

obvs a lot less fun when these are nightmares, not dreams; the exhaustion sucks as sleep is not rejuvenating but that’s nearly offset by the fun i have in many dreams and the way that has opened me up to so much irl. some say when we dream we’re visiting a parallel timeline, and while i don’t completely agree i can 100% see why honestly

[kylos-starlight]

Please. Tag. Your. Vague. Posts. 🙃

[egg-on-a-legg]

literally me about ted in the game. his route does him so dirty oh my god.

[spiltcandycoatedpunkblood]

i forgot how much abandonment and loneliness has affected me and then i watch doctor who videos where the doctor talks about losing people and getting tired and losing his mind and then i'm reminded of the fresh trauma of the last few years and then i want to fucking sob my eyes out