#people have obviously brought up these points before but i've never seen someone talk about the role

[ihatethiswebsite77]

Cartman, Authority and shitty Parenting.

Obviously he is lacking a authoritative father figure, something that plays a big part in who he becomes since he usually tends to idolize and replicate the behavior of adult male characters who present themselves as a powerful figures with authority, those usually tend to be shitty people. To name a few: Mel Gibson, the fat guy from the Butt Out episode, Michael Jackson (tho here it's less about authority and more about just having an "hey son let's play catch" type of parent, ironically Mr. Jackson presents some of the same issues when it comes to parenting as Cartman's mother does in "Tsst"), members of Nambla (there is a reason why Cartman is seeking out older male friends while also exhibiting a wish to be the "mature" one himself). Except for Chef (probably the only adult male character who had a positive relationship and influence on Cartman, after whose death you can also see a shift in his character), every adult male characters Cartman comes in contact with is a shitty person in one way or another

A prime example of this is in one early Halloween episode where Cartman's mom makes him a h*tler costume (Why? Not sure, but in the earlier seasons Cartman's mom was more outwardly implied to be an intolerant christian from what I remember, she Is also the one that took him to see "Passion of Christ" multiple times). In the same Halloween episode Principal Victoria shows him an educational video about the bad mustache guy but instead of seeing the video for what it is Cartman is instead drawn to the mustache mans "authority". (Cartman has a thing for Authority, for what I hope now are obvious reasons )

In the forementioned episode "Tsst", it is revealed that Cartman is 100% capable of change, and that what is preventing that is his mother's god awful parenting. See Liane's and Cartman's relationship is somewhat bordering on emotional incest, where Liane, the parent, seeks out a bond with Cartman, her son, that she should be seeking with other adults her age. Basically she treats him like a friend instead of a son. In the episode, she gains authority over him (notice a pattern) and once she does his behavior and personality both start shifting. She is able to do this because she finds a bond with the guy helping her be a better parent, she gains an actual adult friend. But once the guy leaves she reverts to her old ways of spoiling and treating cartman as a vessel for her own emotional needs, and with her so does Cartman.

So basically Cartman is put in this position where he is simultaneously seeking out a father figure, while also wishing to BE an adult male authority figure. And when you pair this with the fact that in his home, he is simultaneously supposed to be the kid (someone who wants a father figure) , while also being treated like the emotional crutch in place of an actual adult man by his mother (something that would make him feel like HE is SUPPOSED TO BE that authoritative adult male figure). A not so pretty picture starts to paint itself, giving us an insight as to why Cartman came to idolise and try and replicate the behavior and attitude of adult men he recognizes as "having authority".

[ellestra]

Farming content James Somerton style

Edited: I cleaned up sentences, removed typos and added some links

You've probably seen the latest hbomberguy video that highlights plagiarism problem on youtube. He gives several examples many I never heard about but I've been recommended iilluminaughtii before and watched some of her stuff before getting tired of seemingly endless volume (now I know why). But then he gets to the real subject of the video and I did watch a lot of James Somerton videos. And I liked many of them. I liked them a lot.

I didn't give him any money and, as much as it came as relief, I kept thinking how this must feel so much worse for people who did. I thought about supporting him for a moment when he posted (in April this year!) how his videos are getting less views because youtube algorithm and demonetisation of gay creators (it's a real thing so it was easy to believe) and he will be forced to stop creating if people don't sign up to his patreon. But I was casual viewer and he seemed big enough so I didn't. It must feel like such a betrayal to those who created a real community around him. Just like his film production company it's clear now it was another of his scams. It's infuriating how well it worked.

Somerton deleted his patreon now (along with his twitter and discord server) so there is probably no recourse for those affected. The only good thing is that someone big enough highlighted what he did (and brought receipts) so he had to stop. When smaller creators called him out it either went unnoticed or he managed to make himself a victim (and send his fans after them). He actually did what Anita Sarkeesian was accused of and gaslighted his followers about it. His misogyny just adds an extra bitter taste to this.

At the end hbomberguy talks about how if Somerton was open about what he was doing this could've been his niche. He said it just as I was thinking basically the same thing. I'm sure there is a market for field review type of videos. Not review like movie or book review but in academic sense when you take other people articles on the subject and compare to show the state of research on the subject on at the moment.

This kind of reviews doesn't need any original research. The value is in giving people overview of where the field is at and pointing them to the actual research so they can read more in depth about the results. If you already did the search for all the sources this is a perfect format to use them. Most people don't have time or resources to comb through all the resources themselves but they like to learn about it and this is why videos like that are popular. That's why iilluminaughtii, Somerton and al. were able to cash in on it.

But of course this kind of things have to properly cited. And they cannot be just all quotes. You have to make coherent points not just make stuff up for the transitions (lies that actually made Todd in the Shadows make a video not about music). I suppose that's too much work. Too much effort when you need to crank out content to satisfy all the sponsors.

I was glad to find out I already watch most of the queer creators recommended in the hbomberguy's video (and put on this watch list) as an alternative (I would add Caelan Conrad to it - funnily enough I found them through their video about antivax movement). I trained my youtube recommendations well in which way it skews but it's easier to kick out all the obviously awful when you know what talking points to avoid. It's much harder to spot grift when it pretends to care about the same things you care about. Somerton was saying all the right things. It just wasn't his words.

Did he even believe any of it? I bet he'll insist on yes but the laziness says otherwise. It seems like it was all just for the money and fans this angle gave him. That he enjoyed being cool to the audience he built and the stuff it bought him. Be gay do crime for real. Only he didn't write that one either.

[charcubed]

Look, I personally lose nothing if Lokius doesn’t become explicit canon. And if that were to become the case, I’d also have no regrets for saying for years that that would happen in the show by the end ¯_(ツ)_/¯

I’ve said it before, but by now it would be Disney/Marvel’s loss, NOT mine. Whoever wasted or limited the potential would be the idiot, not me.

I’m simply never gonna feel crazy for noticing what’s happening in a story or silly for daring to hope it’ll be brought to fully satisfying narrative completion. That's just a me thing. Maybe this is because at heart I’m stubborn! But I’d like to think I’m not unreasonable. I can’t control whether writing stays consistent or censorship is overcome... But I just do my best to construct solid arguments, and as long as those arguments remain solid, I stand by them :)

I know not everyone would say the same, or they consider this to be "hope" or "optimism," but I see it as logic based in noticing what the text of a show/story is doing. And personally I also consider blatantly evident subtext to be "canon enough," so if we get my personal minimum, my happiness may still outweigh any potential disappointment for me.

However. Here's what I've come here to say today, in reaction to things I've seen floating around in the fandom:

While I do understand on some level why people worry that Lokius won’t be more explicitly canonically romantic because it could be censored by Disney.... At this point, I don’t understand how people can think Loki/Sylvie will still happen.

As of right now, there’s no way to argue for that in my opinion. (I'd like to see someone try.)

The show has set up a fun but very simple situation from basically the start:

They made romantic love a point of relevance in the show’s story. More specifically, they pointed out Loki's desire for a "real" romantic love, and had him learn the lesson that he doesn't deserve to be alone. They didn't HAVE to do all of those things and tie them together. They CHOSE to make romantic love relevant – and they have actively continued to choose to do that, to the point of including a mirrored dark love triangle in s2 ep3. That narrative thread simply has to be fulfilled.

So if they deliberately established that Loki wants and needs a “real” love, and his relationship with Sylvie was referred to as "fiction" so she cannot be a real love for him.... Who does it have to be?

Obviously it has to be Mobius. And of course, the whole show points to Lokius also, for countless more reasons than just this simple breakdown. But pointing this element out is the simplest argument one can make.

So either...

1. They take Lokius to full narrative completion with explicit canon, as they should and as I expect them to,

or

2. Loki's desire for a real love is left unfulfilled, open-ended, and/or made clear through subtext that it's Mobius.

Those are the options, if you ask me!

This is aside from how Lokius’ love story is now even at the core of the show’s themes and plot, which is an insanely strong vote in favor for their future canonicity.

But for the purposes of this post, I’m talking about whether we'll get explicit romance specifically, like a love confession or a kiss – and I do actually genuinely think we'll get both of those things. I'm not trying to force you to agree with me, but just to be clear, that's where I'm at with it and have been since 2021 lol.

So in regards to worrying about Loki/Sylvie...

They were never really a romance (yes, even in season 1) and they sure as hell aren't now. I can’t imagine they'll become one even IF Lokius is left subtextual.

So what actually remains to be seen is if the writers got to go all the way with Lokius, or if that central queer love story was censored on some level in the end.

My hot take is no one should be ~worrying~ about Sylki at this stage of the game. Free yourselves, people.

If the story starts abruptly going in a Sylki direction, even with only 3 episodes left, I will certainly be the first to say so lol. But I simply sincerely, truly doubt that'll happen.

(Hot take in the footer: this is not the post to get into this at length, but in case this comes up… In this house we do not use the word "queerbaiting." It is a useless, nearly-meaningless, insufferable term that devalues the legitimacy of subtext and queercoding more often than not; it's rooted in the idea that media must hit arbitrary and inconsistent checklists often set with cishet approval in mind; and it perpetuates a focus on the false and harmful myth that many creators are "cowards" instead of leaving room for nuance and the fact that industry censorship still exists.)

[stressedbisexualtm]

WAIT HOLD ON I HAD A BIG BRAIN MOMENT

For anyone that didn't catch Wilbur's stream today: when he checked the mailbox in front of tallulah towers looking for clues on where Llulah is, he noticed he had a letter from the federation. It basically said that Lovejoy is funding the federation, and they're proud of Wilbur. It also had a picture attached of a painted drawing of the Brazilian cargo ship on fire, in the same style Lovejoy's album covers have all been lately. I noticed this during the stream, but didn't have much time to think about it. However, a user on twitter pointed out that there's gotta be some deeper meaning there, which lead me to look back on Lovejoy's recent releases.

First up: Call Me What You Like - A single released by Lovejoy very early in the year (february or march I think, but idk for sure) whose album cover depicts a plane crashing toward the ground, on fire. I, like any good sleuth, immediately connected it to the French plane. The French crashed into the island via plane, and I do belive it was on fire before they hit the ground. The thing that made me jump the most was that this was, as far as I remember, released before the qsmp had even STARTED, much less when the French joined the server. Another small detail I noticed that might not be important is that Quackity appears in the music video as well as cc's not affiliated with the qsmp and people I could not identify any of the times I watched it (probably just background actors, but my brain's working overtime anyway).

Next up: Wake Up & It's Over - Lovejoy's latest EP, which includes the single Call Me What You Like. It's album cover depicts a train on fire, heading sideways off of its tracks. This reminded me of the first trains on the island - the ones that brought the initial English and Spanish speakers to the island. There was never a problem with them crashing or being set on fire as far as I remember, but it could be poetic. Another thought I had was about the create mod. For the past month or so, about since the eggs left I think, people have been experimenting with the create mod more - mostly using trains, actually. This could be a future event occurring with all the trains people have been building, something going wrong or some crazy angsty lore, idk. Again, it could be more of a symbol or an omen, but with cmwyl and the picture the federation gave q!bur I don't think it is. Another very obvious possibility is that it represents new members joining, like the other two do.

Third, and final: Normal People Things - Lovejoy's latest single, released just a week or two ago. The cover image for this song depicts a car crashing into the side of a house, the car very clearly on fire. I don't know if it's worth mentioning, but the other three covers all seem to take place during the day, but Normal People Things looks like it's happening during a sunrise/sunset (likely the latter). This cover is one I'm not really sure what to do with. It obviously follows the pattern of the others, so it's gotta fit in somewhere, I just don't know where. Nothing like that has ever happened to the players so we can be sure it's a future event. I'm not sure if it represents new players joining or just something the residents will have to deal with. (This last bit that I'm about to talk about is a huge stretch, but I've seen crazier connections.) As I was looking at all of the album covers, I thought a little bit more about the lyrics in npt. It reminds me of the happy pills arc, where Forever was taking pills and going a little insane. Here are a few of the lyrics:

Panic attack,/Backing track

Background hum/Of the cerebellum

What a blessing/To meet someone like you

With eyes as dead as mine, it's fine/It's normal people things to lie here in silence

(skip)

Spending days in/Self-medicating

Lost too much weight/Unpleasant aftertaste

We look the same/Play different games

This is probably the biggest leap I have ever made when theorizing, and it's most likely wrong, so don't judge me too harshly for it lol. I've probably got something with the covers, though, so I'm gonna be keeping my eyes out for that, and JESUS this is so COOL

[eastgaysian]

I get the food motifs on the show because, you know, same. But I never understood the animal motifs. I get roman/dog m and kendall/water motifs but I see many others floating around tumblr that I just don't get. Maybe I focused on the food too much to notice the rest? 🤔

[guy who only thinks about succession animal death motif] i feel like there's plenty of recurring ideas around animals/nature/hunting if you keep an eye out for them tbh

i honestly feel like the dog motif is a little overemphasized tbh... dial it back for a second, come back later once you've calmed down, and we'll see what connections are actually supported by the text. like these are things that recur periodically and with consistent meanings throughout the show but not everything has to be about dog all the time. also i think it's fair to say roman gets hit with the dog motif more often or memorably than other characters, but people can get myopic about this. the idea of being (treated like) a dog gets brought up with all of the main cast.

[^ i'm literally the doggy suit guy so feel free to think i'm full of shit]

i don't know what specifically you've seen floating around tumblr wrt animal motifs in succession, so i can only comment on the things i've seen or talked about. generally speaking on succession, animal metaphors are employed when characters want to gesture towards a 'natural order' of things, some kind of hierarchy or strong-rule-the-weak theory of the world. comparing someone to an animal can be dehumanizing-demeaning or dehumanizing-mythologizing, suggesting innate (biological) traits and behaviors because that's just how an animal is, as opposed to humans being complicated and capable of change or self-determination. the stronger animal wins, because it's the stronger animal, because it was born with the sharper claws and the stronger jaws compared to the animal doomed to be prey. ofc this is also dependent on a very simplified narrative of animal behavior lol

off the top of my head, scenes/lines i'd point to underscoring this idea (excluding Dog): - lawrence's 'you just invited me into the chicken coop' line to kendall (domesticated, sheltered, helpless animals before a predator) - stewy calling logan a 'brontosaurus' in s1 finale (doomed to extinction, not adapted for the current environment) - boar on the floor ofc - nan pierce 'you've brought me animals' to frank in tern haven abt the roys lmfao - cut logan 'i'm a lamb, i'm a fucking lamb' in the all the bells say confrontation (rolls around my head a lot, lambs as the symbol of purity and innocence)

obviously animal death motif is kind of my baby i love to rotate it in my mind. this rambly post gets at what makes it stick in my brain so much, the idea of their inability to cope with animal death/refusal to engage with unclean or demeaning labor becoming a point of weakness and potential site of resistance. which is ultimately futile. exchange value completely disconnected from use value humans completely disconnected from the 'natural' world. animal death motif ^_^

maybe this sounds a little too obvious but like, if your interest is how food is talked about and used in the show, then in the context of hunting specifically there's a direct connection between killing an animal and eating it. in the episode hunting, the roys/associates are absolute shit hunters (completely removed from the reality of having to exert physical effort or interact with the environment to sustain their livelihoods) and their dinner of the boars they killed turns into a punishment game with their family and colleagues as the boars fighting for sausage. it's easier for them to turn on, hunt, and eat each other than to hunt actual animals. and they can all stomach it.

also in return when caroline warns shiv and roman about eating the pigeon because there's a lot of shot in it. killed for eating in a way that made it inedible. unnourishing queen give us nothing <3

i hope this wasn't a totally incoherent answer...? obviously i do have a fair amount of interest in succession's animal motifs haha so i appreciate the opportunity to talk about my thoughts.

[atla-confessions]

Most people don't say this, as someone who has been in the anti Kataang fandom forever I have never seen this. Can't say it doesn't exist but until I see receipts then I can't say I agree.

Now, I'm not op, and I haven't seen posts with this claim bc I have anti tags blocked (which, mod, can you tag posts that quote anti stuff as anti anti) but I did want to pipe in to say this is a thing some people say. I've had a conversation with someone who was saying all the traditional bad faith arguments (it was a gc) and those were being shot down and their final arguement was something along the lines of the whole "Katara wouldn't choose Aang over Zuko" I don't remember the exact quote, but I do remember they called Zuko a hunk because I found that hilarious.

Then, my best friend is also anti-kataang and doesn't like Aang, (which is hilarious considering Aang is my favorite and I am passionately pro-aang) and when this first got brought up we talked about it a bit and she also said the whole "Katara wouldn't choose Aang over Zuko" but she was not so much critisizing Katara's choice as the writer's decision saying it was unrealistic or bad writing.

So, whether or not it's a thing people post about, I don't know, but I can confirm it is a thing that is at least said casually and thought by some zutara shippers.

Now, obviously I can't receipt this, esp since one of these convos was verbal, so you will have to take my word on it, but I guess I just want to point out that most exaggerations come from a kernal of truth. Do most zutara's think this? Probably not, hopefully. Is this some constantly repeated anti argument or one of their main ones? By your say, which I'm taking your word for, no. But it has been said before.

People shouldn't exaggerate claims to pretend like another shipping fandom is The Worst and totally crazy, but saying something hasn't been said simply because you haven't seen it isn't really good either.

X

[daintyduck99]

things you said through someone else + Author's choice

Reggie had been this close to telling someone that the library is haunted when he finally realized that the eyes that have been following him belong to a cute girl. 

A cute girl who is probably not a ghost, given that she sometimes comes in with friends who can definitely also see her. 

Unless they're all ghosts—Reggie hasn't entirely ruled it out. 

He gets bored on slow days, okay?

And he can't help but wonder why she's shy. Obviously a ghost girl would be shy, but maybe she just has a lisp or something and she's used to people being assholes.

He'd love to reassure her that he's not an asshole, but he doesn't want to be creepy, either, and he does have a job to do, so. 

Reggie shelves and scans and wonders.

His ghost theory gets dashed on one of his slow days, when the friend with the braids and eye-popping outfits marches up to him with an incredibly random stack of books. 

She pushes them across the counter, cocks her hip, and says, "My friend thinks you're cute. And she loved your band." 

Reggie, who'd started scanning the books on autopilot, stops to beam at her. 

"You've heard of Sunset Curve?" 

She smirks. "Tell your friends, right?" 

He nods, a little dumbstruck. It'd never occurred to him that maybe the cute girl had recognized him—all of their gigs have been pretty low key, so far. 

"Well," the friend continues, "she did, though I'm not surprised you didn't see her. She hid, I bet. But anyway, I'm Flynn." 

"Reggie!" he blurts, a little too loudly. He clears his throat, flushing. "I'm Reggie, hi."

"So Julie said. Listen."

Flynn glances around, then puts her hands on the counter and leans forward. 

"She's trying to let it go because she's determined to drown in her studies, but she's interested in you. So if you're into her? You should make the first move." 

Reggie hums. His gaze flickers over Flynn's shoulder, only to meet another set of deep brown eyes, which widen before being obscured by a curtain of dark curls.

He may not know her, but her eyes are starting to become familiar. They're curious, and warm, and he finds himself smiling after them. 

He gives himself a mental shake, flushing harder, and goes back to scanning.

"Why are you telling me this? I need your ID if you actually want these, by the way."

She slides it across the counter, still hunkered in close, and lowers her voice. 

"Because I'm a good judge of character. And from what I've seen and heard? Something tells me that spending time with you would be good for her. So just. Think about it, okay?" 

"Yeah, um, okay." Reggie clears his throat again. "Here's Titus Andronicus, and your books about growing tomatoes and—" 

"Awesome, thanks."

With her books tucked safely in the crook of her arm, she points at him. 

"Think about it! She's great." 

He nods, and she finally flounces away. 

Of course, once he plucks up the courage to approach Julie a few weeks later, she just glares from behind her glasses.

"Flynn put you up to this, didn't she?" 

Reggie grabs the book she's been reaching for, suppressing a smile as she snatches it and holds it tight to her chest.

"Not really? She basically just encouraged me to do what I already wanted to do. I just didn't want to seem—weird and creepy? I mean, you come here to study, and I'd never want you to feel like you had to avoid the library because of me." 

She sighs, and some of the tension bleeds out of her shoulders. A blush darkens the tops of her cheekbones and her ears. 

"If anyone's the weird one, it's me. I had no idea that your band would be playing at that shop, but I feel like such a stalker…" 

"Hey, no. Small world, you know? You totally could've brought it up and I would've just been, like, over the moon that this cute girl was talking to me about our music." 

Julie ducks her head. "Yeah, well. Music…it's been hard for me, lately. But you guys are seriously talented."

He starts to thank her, but she cuts him off with a little squeak. Her head snaps up.

"You think I'm cute?" 

"Super cute," Reggie says easily, smiling as she bites her lip. "I mean, I also thought you were a ghost for a bit, so maybe we're both just weird."

That gets a genuine little giggle out of her. 

"Hm. Just a couple of cute weirdos." 

He shrugs. "We could be. You know, if you ever wanna—go out? We could—get coffee, or something. How's that sound?" 

And when she smiles, she's not just cute—

She's absolutely gorgeous. 

"Actually…that sounds great." 

[stuffeddeer]

https://www.tumblr.com/stuffeddeer/734553783616536576/its-that-lurking-anon-again-please-forgive-me

Omg you answered that😭 I was genuinely worried you'd hate me for sending something so long 😭 I'm sorry about that but your response is great! I love discussing things with people, I hope you didn't mind it! 💖🥺

I definitely do see where you're coming from with him cheating but the reason I think he's less likely to is because as you said, the thing with Oda, he won't want to see someone hurt again, he won't want his love to be hurt again, he wouldn't want to go through that kind of pain again. It's quite obvious Dazai isn't stupid(I hope this doesn't sound like I'm saying you implied he is, I promise it's not like that!! I just realized how it might've sounded after re-reading it) and he's able to predict people around him's actions, he knows the impact certain things will have on the people around him, whether is be good or bad. He's able to know what they might do in certain situations, certain choices they'd make, emotions they'd feel etc and to me this means he'd know very well that whoever his love is, he'd know hurting them to the point where he betrayed them isn't gonna do anything but make them feel how he has in the past. I've researched into relationships where people have been cheated on in the past and many of them who have been so incredibly in love before the cheating, have felt quite literally like their entire life was ending because of this betrayal by their lover. Their pain is excruciating to the point where some may get PTSD symptoms and yes I know that might sound weird but a betrayal that big can be detrimental to someone's mental health. I don't think Dazai would want his lover to go through that kind of pain, Dazai knows the impact of a betrayal cuts deep and I actually think that if Dazai were to get a lover in the first place, that he'd get someone who obviously isn't average in personality, he's definitely go for an eccentric, probably someone like Oda, non judgemental, not much ego, someone who can surprise him even though he's not easily surprised, someone who can teach him new things. Someone he actually can trust and him giving someone his trust is a big feat for him and he'd probably never see himself letting go of this person nor hurting them. He would also probably keep his lover private.

More reasons I don't think Dazai would cheat is because in the past we've seen him break up with many women as Chuuya says "I'll send your address to all the women whose hearts you've broken." But the way I've seen this is in a few situations where him having a girlfriend or a relationship is brought up, he was very transparent when it came to breaking up with the women he was with. An example would be, the bomb that was used in Atsushi's entrance exam being sent to him by his ex girlfriend after she became obsessed with him when they broke up. Dazai talked about being very transparent with her and scolded her saying that it won't work out between them so she should stop with sending him bombs. I see him in relationships that he has no interest in continuing or pursuing, as being transparent and very honest instead of betraying their trust and moving onto someone else while being with them. It's implied a few times that he's had flings and he's the one who stopped it from getting too serious(I think that's another way he shields his heart).

Anyway so sorry if this is too long, I just wanted to clarify why I said I didn't think he'd cheat and believe me this isn't just me having wishful thinking, I enjoy analyzing characters a lot.

And thank you for the well wishes, I wish you well too, I'm doing better so thank you for that💖💖

i totally see the argument of him choosing to break up instead of stringing someone along and cheating on them! that's such an interesting way of viewing dazai, esp with the added reference of him tracking down the couple women he think would have left him a bomb (it was like his fourth call too does he have a type or smth..)

i agree in the sense that instead of cheating, he'd probably just apathetically break up w his date rather than continue to pretend he's interested... i feel like maybe he'd gauge the person he's with and if cheating would ruin them he'd know that and rather shoot them a quick text goodbye before sliding into someone else's bed. i still think he can be a bit sleazy from time to time, especially before joining the ada, though your viewpoint is interesting and appreciated!

andddd all of this delves into his more careless or ruthless nature, but he's probably had his fair share of kind and normal breakups!! i feel like i just spoke so negatively of him lol i love dazai promise <3

[harrystomlinson]

holding onto heartache

It’s becoming a pattern now where i have a epiphany in a vent post on my main and follow it with a entire lyrical breakdown.

I had the horrible day and instead of a) studying for my finals b) processing my emotions and c) resting , I present to you d) a lyrical breakdown of what to me is the most important, personal and vulnerable song off the album.

I've seen a lot of theories that think this song is about Zayn, and I honestly agree? It makes sense in the second verse but I feel like this song on its own is about the gap between 1D going on hiatus and Louis trying to find his own sound and space with everything that was going on with him. The processing and reeling.

We know he's the kind of person who instinctually takes care of people, puts others before himself and has always been that way, even in the band. I think the song on a fandom standpoint is there, this interpretation will dabble along those lines but in a more general and sort of personal interpretation.

As usual, big hugs if you relate to this. Here’s holding onto heartache.

You said I'm holdin' onto heartache You said I wear it like a crown It's gonna drag me down I'm holdin' onto heartache You should be starin' at the sky The birds just passin' by, love

The moment I heard the lyrics "You said I wear it like a crown, it's gonna drag me down" I kid you not I was shook to my core. Here, he's being addressed by someone, someone he is close to and talks to and someone that understands him. They see how he's been and they're making it a point to ask him, tell him that he's holding on to his hurt, his feelings and thoughts. This person also knows at our speaker is someone who knows how they're feeling. He "wear it like a crown", so one would think he's in touch with them, they're working them out. But in reality, its only dragging them down.

This is about the people that others know is self aware, and to someone who doesn't know them that well they even come across as a very "emotionally intelligent" person. Someone who takes care of others so well probably can take care of themselves, right?

The fourth line, he isn't being addressed, but he seems to be agreeing with what is being said to him. He is holding onto his heartache, but he deflects. Even when he and his hurt is brought up, he talks about how this person should be "starin' at the sky" and watch the birds that passed by, or that they should be taking in the world around them in peace, and not bother with him, or how he is feeling.

The wind, it held us up, but We knew that all would change Creates the strangest feelin' Just slowly waitin' for the end I still have dreams about it The moments as they came The moments never shown to us Because we faded into darkness

Now this verse makes me absolutely feral because its very obviously about the band and its hiatus. Is there another way to view it? Yes absolutely, I'm gonna talk about both of them.

I would like to say to anyone who believes in the "Louis didn't know the hiatus would be happening and it was sudden and unexpected" should maybe reconsider their opinion. We know the supposed behind the scenes, all the bad parts of the drama. He is literally singing that the "wind" of the peak of the band publicly held them up, they were the biggest thing ever, but they knew it was going to end very soon. They would put on these massive shows and watch oceans of crowds sing back to them and watch their names be celebrated but also know it was going to end soon. What had made their lives and careers and all the time together was going to just...end like that, with so many things unresolved and so much hurt caused to so many people. He still thinks about what did happen, what didn't happen and what could've happen. They just faded away, like it had never happened.

To me, this is about all the people we've loved and lost. For the people who feel like the happy moments they have won't last, the joy and laughter won't last, because it never has. No matter how high the win held you, it had always changed. You're always waiting for the end because it's always been like that. You give and you give until it's gone away (yes that was on purpose, goes to show the incredible writing on this album) and no matter how much love you give it goes away. You never get the same back, and yet you still have dreams about it, it still haunts you because it's a part of your heart that you gave away.

I can still hear a silence I can still hear a clock that's tickin'

A strong and effective pre chorus which ties the song together so beautifully.

The statement is oxymoronic, with silence one can hear. But that's the thing with some silences- usually, you're silent when you do not know what to say. When there is doubt. When there is uncertainty. When there is a gap to formulate an answer. But some silences speak for themselves- there are silences because you know it. There's a silence of knowing, of inevitable, painful change that you had to come to terms with. It's a beautiful way to put together how he can still feel those feelings in him, like a ticking clock in a quiet room- its there, but you never notice it until everything else is blocked out and you have no option but to listen to it.

You said I'm holdin' onto heartache You said I wear it like a crown It's gonna drag me down I'm holdin' onto heartache You should be starin' at the sky The birds just passin' by, love Holdin' onto heartache

I can go on and on about how much I love this chorus and the sheer amount of layers in it. The change in perspectives, the dialogues placed as lyrics that tell us so much about him with so little effort.

The last repetition of the title seems almost rueful, and it's pretty cleverly placed if you ask me. I don't know a lot about song structures and how they can be changed in their building etc. But on a lyrical lever this was the perfect place to add that little repeat and the vocal delivery on it makes me want to rip my hair out and cry in a totally not normal way.

The nights, they change in seasons Become the strangest days I called you twice, but then regretted it And changed my number The questions that I'd ask you "Where did it all go wrong?" There's endless versions of the thing That keeps me driftin' back to darkness

I have two things to say: "Does it ever drive you crazy just how fast the night changes? Everything that you've ever dreamed of disappearing when you wake up" and "No matter how much you want it, some things change"

We're back with the whole "haunted by what could've been", placed in a very particular lyric. What I found eye catching was the "called you twice" instead of the usual 'I called you and regretted it'. Doing something twice isn't something you do when you're driven by impulse or out of a rave sentiment. You do it twice when you think you're affirmed in your decision. He didn't regret calling this person because he didn't mean it or because it was a rash decision, it was because he felt like he was doing something wrong. That the other person wouldn't be okay with wanting to communicate to work it through.

When you've always been taking care of people perfectly and you fuck up with one person, who makes it explicit that you made a mistake, you're scared to ever care for them again. It's like walking on eggshells because you're scared you'll do it again. You're scared to ever hurt someone because you know what it is like to be hurt and you would never cause someone that, so instead, you just let it be. Give them "space" rather than call them, talk it through and process it. You end up not giving importance to your own feelings about the situation because you're worried more about how the other person is feeling.

The last two lines might be the most vulnerable, honest and gut-wrenching lines I've ever heard. (After the defenceless bridge, of course, love you walls).

When you love and you love and you love, you hurt the same amount. If you have a ton of love to give, you will also have a ton of blues to feel. How you feel is never disproportionate: If you're allowed to love in endless versions in tremendous amounts, you'll also be feeling grief in endless versions in tremendous amounts. It's a scale that never tips in intensity.

You know the party's over When you're standin' in an empty space alone And time can always heal you If you let it make its way into your bones Nothing's ever easy To be honest, I'm not easy on myself The second that I see you The space between us just comes floodin' back

This bridge makes me want to smash a glass bottle against a wall followed by punching a fist through it, kool-aid man style.

In my original post I talked about how this song song is for the "therapist friends". This bridge is exactly where that came from.

From a fandom standpoint, I feel like this was the point where the band had started the hiatus and after the year Louis had personally where he went through a lot of things. I think it was that moment where he knew that being aware of his grief wasn't enough, he'd maybe have to work through it (shoutout to Angie's amazing post here @persephoneflouwers) and grow.

All the advice and facts you state and use to comfort those around you in need for it, sometimes you ought to listen to it yourself. It's not as easy as it sounds, you even know that. But you know it. You know for a fact that you are capable of healing. You know when it's time to stop, you know when it's time to start. You know that for someone who's constantly caring for people around you, making sure they're not hurting or are not alone in your hurt because you know how that would feel, you're not easy on yourself. Because no matter how hard you try, you always seem like you end up in the same place because you keep holding onto it.

You said I'm holdin' onto heartache You said I wear it like a crown It's gonna drag me down I'm holdin' onto heartache You should be starin' at the sky The birds just passin' by, love

The incredibly tender "love" that makes me want to shake and sob aside, I want to end this how I ended my original thing: This song is for the people who hold onto their heartache, because they don't know what they'd be without it.

For all the people out there who give and care and love endlessly, the ones who feel a lot, the ones who never feel like they can talk too much about how they're feeling without feeling like they're burdening the other person when they'd listen for someone in a heartbeat, for the people who know what's up with them but have a hard time processing it or don't know how to process it, for those who feel like they keep going back to and holding onto their heartache after everything said and done, Louis has done it again, hasn't he?

Find my other FITF analysis' here

[fubuwu]

Hmm.... Just saw someone say that jcs "homophobia" has nothing to do with the society or the time period he was born in and it still means he's bad and I just e-e

---

Society and time period kinda does effect how one might think of other groups tho. They've been raised and brainwashed to think that way, so much so that being homophobic is the norm whilst... Unfortunately... Being gay was deemed "evil", "bizarre""morally incorrect...."

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This isn't me condoning homophobes BTW. Obviously it's bad and you are valid to feel upset by his actions. But at the same time you got to appreciate the social context here... Him being homophobic in such a setting doesn't entirely make him a bad person because that was just how he was taught to be and was the norm.

---

Jc is described as a person who follows social norms. Had he been born today where homophobia is generally frowned upon, I wonder if he will be more approving of homosexuality then? >.> Being accepting of homosexuality (depending on your society of course. It's still dangerous for many gay people around the world to be out and proud) is now the soical norm. Makes me think will he be much more accepting had the social circumstances been different or if this was a modern setting?

---

Furthermore, his "homophobia" wasn't aggressive or anything and could have been read as him being repulsed by PDAs too as I've seen others pointed out *shrug*

---

For someone from ancient china, I'd say he was a lot more tolerant than others in the book seeing as homosexuals back then were often executed, persecuted, kicked out as we seen with mxy etc. Plus, he let wwx go in the end to be with lwj. He never brought up their relationship again or showed physical disgust depsite knowing full well what they're going to be getting up to XD. Therefore, i feel with time and better education/understanding, someone like jc can easily grow to be more tolerant. It's not like he was going around, seeking out gay people and murdering them. Idk.... Just kinda think it's another case of people reading deeply into things as other members have mentioned in this tag before.....?

---

Would also like to point out that there are other characters in the book who have made homophobic comments and more frequently than jc too.... Wwx himself used a homophobic slur in the beginning before realising his own gay awakening because again that was the normal thing to doo.... Kinda interesting that antis never talk about those points but eh.... It's just a book. It doesn't need to be read that deep. We're not writing essays on it.

[grumpybreakfastfriend]

The discord screenshots are really not that damning, like esp the ones that people are posting from mid-late 2023 where he is legitimately -having- a mental health crisis. Weird af to me that people are using these screens of a r*pe survivor spiraling as some sort of gotcha.

How I see that "go defend me" stuff is that he was 15 years old when he went through the most horrific and brutal shit that i 100% think is way way worse than we will ever know, he saw so many faces in that court room on Brian's side and he felt completely and utterly alone, and then after Brian was put away, still barely anyone was on his side, people didn't believe him or even worse, blamed him. He was 15 going through all this -alone-, I don't agree with him doing this because it's not healthy but I understand the need to want to be defended, to want to be believed, people had been calling him a r*pist for 3 years and telling him that he was a p*do and he should off himself.

And during this time he was spiraling about all of this nobody knew that he was also dealing with the fact that all these memories about his trauma were coming back, I can't imagine how triggering shit got for him having to see that everyone everywhere was "against him" so to speak. I -get- that pain, I get that defensiveness, he was 15 and alone and in a lot of ways that hurt will never ever go away, not completely.

But now people know what happened to him and people are supporting him and on his side and it probably feels so validating and I get that too.

People claim to care about victims / survivors but I've seen a LOT of people attacking Alexa, Drake and anyone who shows them any kind of sympathy even if we are also pointing out that they are not perfect people, it feels like there's a checklist that people have to mark before they are "deserving" of sympathy, and if someone reacts to being abused like an abuse victim, such as Drake reacts in some of those messages, then they are deemed "unworthy" of sympathy and support.

It's really sad.

I do have a message for Drake and other survivors like him though, I know that need to be believed, to believe other people are on your side, and I want you to know that we are on your side and though I understand that urge / need to have people supporting you but you also need to take a step back and realize when things are out of line, talking to your discord like this and mobilizing them against attacks is not a healthy coping mechanism and I think it should be brought up in therapy. We do support you, but you also have to get to a point where it's okay if people aren't ever going to change their view on this, some people won't, just like the letter writers, some people will never come out and say it was wrong for them to support Brian Peck, and some of them will obviously be lying if they did, but thats the thing, you have to eventually be able to be "okay" with that.

My two cents? I don't think that Drake should be as involved w/ social media as he is because it can be antithetical to healing properly. My other two cents? I'm a r*pe survivor as well, and I can sympathize with his actions and outbursts in Discord because I have been in that headspace so many times, it's hard, but it's harder to be a survivor and have everyone police how we feel and how we're supposed to react to this.

People always bring up "there's no such thing as the perfect victim" but then they also hold survivors up to intense scrutiny when we ACT like we are traumatized and we lash out and we say stupid shit.

Thanks for sharing anon. This 100%.

The posts from 2023 are just sad to read. He's said in recent interviews how social media destroys his mental health and how he knows he needs to stop using it. But I understand the allure of finally having his story out there and wanting to read the (mostly) positive feedback, even though he'll inevitably come across hateful trolls. At least now he's in therapy and is hopefully working on healthier ways to navigate all of this attention.

I don't know what people even mean anymore when they say he has to take accountability. I think he's handling everything as well as he can and is trying to heal. But at this point a lot of people say "take accountability" when they actually seem to mean "shut up and stop acting traumatized". Also, fuck anybody who says this is some PR campaign. So what if he does want to get his career back? I hope he's able to thrive after this.

[jvstheworld]

My Ted Lasso Re-watch: S2E1 (part 3)

Goodbye Earl

Ted's wiping of the nail polish and his butt still hurts. So I thought about this, and they would have had to get the shot of Dani kicking the ball at Ted a few times. Obviously it would be a prop ball so it didn't hurt as much, but still after a few takes of trying to get it right, it you would start to ache. And who's to say it hit his butt every take. He might missed a few times.

Nate's harshness is really coming through now.

Ted said Beard's name and we all kissed it because we thought it was another reference. And yes it is definitely believable that Beard is only referred to as Beard. It's not just a TV show thing where people are just called by their last names. I've had friends who I have done that to. Two of them had the same first name, so calling them by their last names just made things less confusing.

So, Dani has the yips. Ted and Beard's reactions to it being said out loud are hilarious, as is the fact that the players and Will in the locker room all react to the door being slammed.

I don't know Ted's sports references. I'm as lost as Nate and Higgins.

Well, Ted you are living in a foreign country. One that would describe American Football as rugby but with a shit load of padding.

Ted is apprehensive about therapy because of his own time in therapy (You suck, Dr Jacob) . He agrees to it while shaking his head.

Roy is suffering. I would be too if I had to listen to that story. We like Martin Short in this house. He's definitely going to need more drinks to survive.

Roy sees through John's bullshit. And just how boring he really is.

Does anyone else get the slight impression that John looked down on Roy for saying that he coaches kids football? Even though Roy enjoys it, and is a good coach, and has experience from being a 9 year old who got scouted by Sunderland. The man is happy enough and trying to figure out what he's doing next with his life, don't judge.

Keeley was being sneaky and underhanded by bringing up the pundit stuff. Though, it does help him realise where he belongs, so it does eventually become a good thing that he did it.

I still want to see Roy's retirement speech.

To Earl. He was a good boy. I'm going to keep saying it every time it gets brought up.

Michelle had been seeing Dr Jacob as her personal therapist for a while before couples counselling. So Dr Jacob would already know a bunch of stuff about Ted, from Michelle's perspective, which made him form his own opinion about Ted before their first session. They should have seen a separate therapist for couples counselling. Dr Jacob should have stayed as Michelle's personal therapist and referred them to someone else who could have helped them. If not, then he should have done private sessions with Ted to understand his side of things before bringing them both in. Ted was being set up for failure because before he even spoke in their first session he was seen as the problem. Because instead of helping them both with their issues, they just told Ted that he was doing everything wrong and making Michelle miserable. Which is shitty therapy. And made worse by the fact that later on Dr Jacob and Michelle are dating. He might not be her therapist anymore, but he still had intimate knowledge of her relationship and personal life. The problem is, did these feelings occur during the time when he was treating Michelle or when he stopped being her therapist and they hadn't seen each other for a while? Because if it's during his time as her therapist then it adds another layer of why he's such an ass, because he could have been trying to get rid of Ted. Any way you shape this, Dr Jacob does not come out of it like a Prince.

I don't know why, but every time Beard talks about never dating another dancer, the lyrics to George Michael's Careless Whisper come into my head.

'All people are different people.' That is a good line. I might have to steal that for myself at some point. Just because he had one bad experience with one therapist, doesn't mean the next is going to be the same. And Dr Sharon is so much better than Dr Jacob. She actually helps Ted, which Dr Jacob never did!

I need the full story of Beard's life. All of it.

I fucking love Roy's little rant to Rebecca. Yeah, John is fine, and that's nice. But where's the actual spark of attraction? She's playing safe because she got so hurt by Rupert, I get that. But she deserves so much more than just safe and fine. Don't settle for less because you want to play it safe to avoid being hurt again. Find someone who makes you feel safe because they love you and makes you feel like you've been struck by lightning and wants to be with you.

The greatest thing about Roy Kent, he won't bullshit you.

[golbrocklovely]

Just curious to know why people believe that SC girl has admitted feelings to Colby but he rejected? Like I’m new this whole mlp and her being shady and other stuff and I have noticed them both not being as close as before but why have people assumed this or have they seen something? Little lost on that part. And I also notice them both still liking eachother’s ig posts so idk what to think yk? Lol

while i'm writing this out, i'm remembering things. so that's how many fucking layers there is to this whole thing lol

so as i've said before, her and colby would always get paired up together on trips. then on the europe trip, fans assumed that they were together. they even congratulated them on coming out as a couple when that didn't happen.

cut to them all coming home from europe, ms snapchat all of sudden was out of the picture. colby was telling ppl on xplrclub that he was gonna be third-wheeling in vegas, and previously on tiktok deleted comments shipping him and her together. colby and her hung out once more before he ended up moving. that night, ms snapchat allegedly shared to her paying insta fans that she was going on date. she tried to make it seem as if it was just her and him, when in reality it was her, him, brennen, his gf, and couple other ppl.

after this, that's when it became apparent that something happened between her and the group.

she was all of sudden out of the picture. it seemed that not only did colby ignore her after the last time they hung out, but kat also ignored her when she was brought up during a livestream. then ms snapchat told fans that she felt abandoned around the same time. once she started posting more publicly, she seemed to be talking about being rejected by someone she had feelings for. she posted a bunch of tiktoks about it and also made a poetry insta account where she talked about her and some other person being close like lovers but being too afraid to love one another.

also forgot to mention, colby was seen out on a date (but highkey i don't even think it actually was one) and she literally tweeted out that same night and then deleted about how "the ppl you think actually care shock you the most" and "it was never real and meant nothing to you" and "lies".

so clearly she was going thru something, and it just made logical sense that it would be about him since seemingly there is no other guy in her life like that. is it possible that it was some other guy? sure, but if it was, you would think she would have said something like "oh no it's not about colby. me and him are just besties." especially since so many ppl assumed it was about him.

i think whatever happened between them has been worked thru, at least somewhat, by this point. i think what happened is that she always had a crush on him, and eventually told him how she felt. he didn't feel the same, and she was upset about that (rightfully so).

my thing is, we obviously don't know the whole situation. we don't know what went on behind closed doors. maybe they did have something going on, and then when she wanted more, he said no. and i get how that would feel. her being upset isn't what bothered me personally. you're allowed to feel bad when someone rejects you, regardless of whether or not you guys have history. my problem is that she made it all very public. and it's hard to side with her when colby has said constantly for months (if not literal years) that he is single. i mean, one time he literally brought a girl with him to hang out with the core four and abbey. like… what about him doing that screams he's into you??? and if that isn't enough, he deleted shipping comments on a tiktok they did together. like… what's not clicking?

also, he's allowed to not want to be with you, even if he "strung you along". why would you want to be with someone that doesn't want you back????

nonetheless, i think whatever tension was there is gone for the most part. i think they both keep their distance from one another, but i still think she still has feelings for him. but i also think that fans see things that aren't really there, or assume that something she does is related to him just bc of past stuff. clearly they are friendly with one another again. but idk if they will ever be as close as they once were.

[elderemorune]

PLUR BAYBEEE

So it should come as no surprise that I love ridiculous things. Star Trek, dogs, my cat, people in general, EDM.

Speaking of EDM, for those unfamiliar, PLUR stands for Peace, Unity, Love, and Respect. The defining traits of the Rave scene, or at least it was explained to me this way. Until Friday, I'd never seen an EDM show live, much less been to a rave (and no I'm not counting those dances back in middle school where the DJ would play the censored version of American Idiot for a bunch of small, Ritalin loaded assholes). For my first, whew, I picked a hell of a show.

Let's start at the beginning. A few weeks ago, I found this artist, Hyper Potions. I'd never heard of him before, and I'll admit, my first look into him was... Less than appealing. There was some controversy with one of the two founders, but my initial doubts were quickly disabused, as one of the duo very firmly told the controversial member to fuck off, no ifs, ands or butts.

This in mind, I looked to see if he was on tour, and to my shock, heck to my awe, it just so happened that he was doing a show at The Crocodile in Seattle on the 5th.

Just in time for my birthday! (It's around the time I posted this, I'll leave you guessing the exact date, because that's funnier to me.)

The tickets were reasonable, so I grabbed my wife and @thisbirdhasceasedtobe, we got dressed, and away we went! There was a dinner plan, but the place I wanted to go to was too full so we bounced and hit the venue.

The opening act was this guy I'd never heard of before, Knob Ross. If I'm totally honest, I liked his vibe, but this man was not really good at playing the crowd. I imagine it's hard to be the opening act at a show like this, since you're who's playing while people filter in. The way the stage was set up also had me misreading his name as Knob Boss all evening too, which isn't a knock against him, but more of a statement. Hell, because of that I didn't get the joke with his name.

Normally this is where I'd share one of his songs, but he's proving difficult to track down. If someone has any of his work, I'd be happy to put an example here!

Anticipation started mounting when Hyper took the stage though. Between his crowd work and his cool visuals, the house was jumping within minutes of his appearance. The energy he brought was so bright and so happy I couldn't help but smile myself.

Hey look at that, he actually did music for a Sonic game! That explains why his visuals were all really cool voxel animations of various Sonic characters!

Funny enough though, despite having gone to the show for Hyper Potions, I'd like to introduce you to the headliner.

Have you ever wanted to see a man in a Sasquatch costume play the saxophone over the Jellyfish House Party from Spongebob?

Now you have!

Allow me to introduce Saxsquatch!

I wasn't looking for this man. Hell, I didn't even look at the other people playing this show, I was satisfied going to see Hyper Potions. I kept my expectations low for the others, but gods alive, was I blown away.

First off, three saxophones. One alto (which I personally play), and two tenors. One of them is peculiar though. A clear plastic affair with LEDs inside, it's easily the coolest form I've seen the instrument take, and real talk? This glowing beacon of cool made his cover of Never Gonna Give You Up even better after he joined the crowd.

Please forgive the shakiness, I was absolutely blitzed on Fernet and beer at this point, and I was swaying with the crowd as well.

Shitty cinematography aside, just look at this guy! He's having fun, we're having fun, I've never seen anything quite like it!

Obviously his crowd work is good, but what about his music? Personally I love it, even his cover of September, though my buddy vehemently disagrees with me. They said that his cover lacks soul, but I dunno, I felt a lot of soul in that crowd as we jumped to it!

I couldn't tell you a damn thing about his visuals though. Were they good? No clue! I was busy staring at him! I didn't even notice when the lasers came on because I was too busy watching a man fulfill a childhood dream of mine: being an EDM artist who plays saxophone. Yeah it was all covers, but he was there, and again, LOOK AT HIM!

Lastly, I think we should talk about the venue. It's attached to Madame Lou's, where I went to see Bear Ghost and Damn the Weather. Unlike ML's, The Crocodile is a much larger performance space, with some of the trappings of that. I wish there had been more ADL seating, as my wife is disabled and short, so finding a comfortable place for her to enjoy the show was a bit troublesome. Still, like a champion, she sat in the uncomfortable, tall stool just so that I could jump around like a fool.

The drinks? Well, they did what all venues do. Smaller drinks at about $15 each. We had five drinks between us this evening, though it's six if you count the signature drink, The Bite Back, as two. It's a beer and a shot of Fernet, which I really like. You down the shot, then chug the beer, and wait for it to bite. We also had a G&T, a Fuzzy Navel, and a Whiskey Sour, and their signature lager. I had the sour and the beer, in addition to the Bite Back. Sure, we spent a bit much on alcohol, but it was my birthday party dammit, and I was going to get drunk.

After the show, we stumbled back to the car, and had our friend (who was sober) drive us home. We stopped for some good old fashioned 1:00 AM Jack in the Box, where the poor asshole behind the window was being harassed over the phone by some fucking jerk. Would it really be a Jack in the Box if shit wasn't fucked?

Okay, I've gotten off track. The show was incredible, and I'd 100000000% go see Saxsquatch and Hyper Potions again. Knob Ross, all the love to you my man, no shade, but uh, I don't think I'll be going out of my way to find you again.

Show was a 10/10, I can't even begin to tell you how satisfying that sourdough jack was though.

[raspberryconverse]

Being an adult means being real with yourself about your finances.

A huge pain point in my marriage has been money (which is totally common in relationships). We bought an old house and have had to replace literally everything except the dishwasher, dryer and most of the plumbing. We had to have half the house rewired before we moved in because it only had 1 owner and had cloth wiring. The plumbing is galvanized steel and some of it was connected to copper (big no no: there's a chemical reaction that happens and causes leaks). We recently had to have our entire kitchen drain replaced for this and the plumber wouldn't reinstall the dishwasher until we had it checked for mold, another $600 on top of the $4000+ we already paid for the drain. We had mold behind some wood paneling that obviously couldn't be seen on inspection. New roof, furnace, AC. Our drain tile system was put in backwards and had to be replaced. There was a huge flood last summer and we had 8" of water in our basement.

Needless to say, it's been stressful and we haven't even been here 2 years. And expensive.

I have always been terrible with money. I never saw good spending habits growing up, so I've always had the mindset of "I can buy it now with my credit card. It's fine." I know, that's not fine. But that's what I've always done. Some of it was definitely out of survival during my post graduating during a recession life, but I never really stopped when I started making decent money.

Anyway, during the pandemic, I found this bank called Simple that has the envelope budgeting system built right in. It was fantastic! I paid down my debts, I brought up my credit score. I was able to refinance my car loan to nearly a 10% lower rate. It was fantastic. Then, it shut down.

There was another bank that was similar to it called Envel. Basically the same concept. And it continued to work for me, but like Simple, they shut down.

I finally moved to Ally because they have these new "spending buckets." They sounded exactly like what I had with Simple and Envel. Except they weren't. Simple and Envel would distribute your money every time you got paid and put the right amount in each "envelope." Ally just puts the money in like a day or 2 before the due date you put on the bucket. This is not helpful. Yes, I could go through and distribute my money, but I don't always remember to do it. So... I didn't really do it.

Things got out of control again. I'm not saving anything. I buying shit that I don't need to be buying. We have things that are coming due with the house (the AC is the big one). It's not good. And my spouse is really stressed about it. And I'm just really embarrassed.

So I'm filling out a chart with my credit cards and their balances, interest rates and minimum payments in addition to a personal budget worksheet and meeting with my financial advisor soon. Yes, I have one of those. A friend sung his praises on Facebook, so I thought it might be helpful. And it was. I mean, he did get me to buy a bunch of life insurance, but I can meet with him whenever to look over things. I also love that he's about my age and while he's a straight cis white guy, he works with people and couples of all types (the friend who mentioned on FB him is a lesbian and married). We met with him before we decided to buy the house to see if we could swing it.

I did find a budgeting app made by a former Simple user which is basically the same as the bank, so I think that's going to work, but I really need to just sit down with someone who's not going to judge me and take a look at everything so I can get things back on track. It's really hard to admit defeat. It's really embarrassing to not be able to tell your spouse that your personal finances are in trouble and you don't know what to do. But I'm gonna talk to Brett and he's going to help me figure it out. And it's gonna be ok.

[themarcspector-hasmoved]

title: pizza prompt: no prompt, but it's a late v-day gift. for: @andordameron verse: a mini multi called 'you only die once' who: claudia (you only die once multi au) & anthony munoz notes: i never know if i write anthony right sdjfsjdf

The scent of cologne fills the private detective’s office when he enters the room in a tired huff. Cloud picks up her head slowly – but not obviously – and away from the piles of cases on her desk, just to see if he knows what day it is and if he has a Valentine, already.

Though some people might see her as the type of person who would be above a frivolous holiday like Valentine’s Day, Cloud has always loved the holiday and thinks it’s an incredibly fun holiday to celebrate.

Anthony doesn’t strike her as the type to celebrate Valentine’s Day, or really even believe in love, however. His mind always seems more lost than hers and she often questions if that’s why the two of them make such a great pair. Then there are the ‘people’ he frequently sees that she assumes are romantic partners up until they’re never brought up again after he goes on one or two dates with them.

So, she does not want to ask him upfront if he has a Valentine - but she is curious if he has one.

“What’s going, Munoz?” Cloud asks, a soft smile on her face as looks at Anthony when he tiredly takes a seat at his desk.

He groans into his hands, which makes her shrug and forget the idea of having him as a Valentine. Instead, she considers asking someone else. Possibly someone less cranky.

But then he speaks, and it almost startles her – when, well, nothing ever startles her. “You ever try to do something nice for someone who means a lot to you – almost the universe – and the universe fucks you over instead, ruining said nice thing?” he asks her, which makes her look at him again, this time with eyebrows narrowing in.

“To be honest, that’s why I’m here. I didn’t have agency for a big chunk of life and didn’t have certain memories of bad things that happened to me, or bad things I did, and when I tried to fix what I’d done, I only managed to make those things worse.” Which was probably the most honest she’s been with him since he broke the link between her and her mother’s agency. “I mean, you could technically have me hurt a lot of people and you could hurt me, but you choose not to. But the universe, when I first tried to break free of that before working here, it kept making things worse.”

Anthony blinks hard. “Wow,” is all he says. “I was actually talking about you. Which, surprise surprise... probably makes no sense. But you’ve helped me around here a lot and you’ve grown to be very important to me. I was going to do something fun for you, like rent out a movie theater and then watch a bunch of those nonsense films you like…but….well, none of the movie theaters are open due to an issue with the film the theaters were given.”

Cloud’s eyebrow arches. “Is that your way of saying you wanted me to be your Valentine?”

Anthony clears his throat. “In…theory.”

Which makes Cloud smile a little mischievously. “You’re soft on me. You literally have a weapon and don’t use it, and now you don’t see me as just a weapon anymore. You see me as a person.” She points in an ‘ah-ha’ way.

“I’ve always seen you as a person. Just was weary of you scaring away my clients…So I've kept you at a distance.” he muses.

“A distance? I share a bed with you." She scoffs, even if they don't do anything and she mainly sleeps in his bed so he can make sure she doesn't sneak off to kill a man or whatever for her mother. "And I don’t mind just sitting here, going over cases and eating pizza though. I know I come from a rich family, but I like simplicity. Buy me pizza and I’m happy.” She winks at him. He rolls his eyes, but smiles slightly.

“Great. But please. I beg of you. Don’t tell anyone else. They’re going to make a big deal out of this,” he sighs, but smiles even wider when she gets up and to be closer to him, sitting on his lap.

“Well, I’m making a big deal out of this...us,” Cloud says.

“You make a big deal out of rocks on the street, Dee.”

“They have a story to tell. They’re both art and history.”

“They’re fucking rocks.”

There’s a moment where the both sit and just smile at each other like fools.

“So…pizza?” he asks.

“I don’t know, seems too simple to me…I want something over the topic...” she looks away, but licks her lips.

“For fuck’s sake.” He laughs.

She laughs to. “Yes, pizza.”