#people in a position of authority/actively hurting someone with the intent to protect/help the person is fine

[chittychittyyangyang]

Listen, you should never film strangers in public without their consent, but I swear there need to be fines or something for people who do that shit in some spaces. For example: I had to go to the ER last night, and some jerk filmed a woman who just came in and was clearly having an asthma attack. She immediately got to go back, and he was unhappy about that. Believe me, I get that it sucks having to wait when you're in pain, but you don't get to pick who deserves care when. The medical system in the US is a nightmare, and the ER could be the worst moment of someone's life. No one deserves to be recorded because some jack ass believes someone doesn't look like they need care.

This is fine to reblog. People who film strangers should be shamed if nothing else.

[pillow-anime-talk]

favorite types of kisses.

synopsis: Where do they love to be kissed? And where do you love to be kissed by them?

# tags: headcanons; current relationships; romance; fluff; kisses & PDA in general; sfw & suggestive

includes: gender neutral reader ft. ciel phantomhive, sebastian michaelis, grell sutcliff, undertaker, snake & lau {kuroshitsuji}

author’s note: huh, so i watched ‘kuroshitsuji’ and i’m a full-fledged simp now.

— CIEL

↘ Kisses on the CHEEKS; are Ciel’s favorites. They are kisses for literally any occasion – for good morning, for goodbye, for good luck at work. It’s a kiss that can be made while saying wishes, for a good night’s sleep or for a safe journey. When you peck Ciel on that part of his face, he feels appreciated and at peace. Your lips are extremely delicate and warm, perfectly harmonizing with the cool and porcelain skin of his whole body. Additionally, when you show him affection, he has the courage to smile slightly, not even worrying about Sebastian’s later jokes about his own, crimson blushes. Your kisses are soothing and the Young Lord can never get enough of them, so give them to him as often as possible.

↘ Kisses on the NOSE; it’s the kind of kiss Ciel gives you on many possible chances. They are cute and you’re cute to him too, so he usually kisses you on the nose when you’re happy or when something incredibly fantastic happened, for example, you won a game of chess with someone or you received something from your parents (or from your future husband) like tickets for spectacle you really wanted to go to. Pecks on the nose are short and precious, but incredibly memorable and heart-warming. Plus, they’re sometimes very playful, so you can experience that side of Ciel that no one else can see now or ever.

— SEBASTIAN

↘ Kisses on the HANDS; it’s the most intimate kiss for a demon, for a butler, who has no right to touch others, even with gloves on. That’s why when you hold them and kiss his wrists, knuckles, fingers, nails, he feels so sinless. He feels human and just plain good. However, the tall man still wonders, how can you voluntarily kiss his hands? After all, these are hands that have taken so many (often pure) lives. Which had seduced so many people before. Which are cold, rough and unhealthily pale. And yet you still do it, always with the same innocent smile on your charming face that makes Sebastian feel that he has some positive emotions inside him, in his black soul. You will definitely be his death one day.

↘ FOREHEAD kisses; it’s the most tender kiss you can get from another person, from a lover, from a partner, from a person who’s the whole life for one side of couple. Sebastian doesn’t kiss you often. He only does this on important occasions, such as when it’s your birthday or when it’s Christmas. However, when you get hurt or you are sick, I’m sure that you will feel his lips on your forehead more than once, not only so that the black-haired man can feel your body temperature, but most of all, to make you feel that he’s close to you and you can always rely on him, even if it’s some small, even stupid thing or request. After all, he’s not simply one hell of a butler, but also a simply one hell of a good and kind lover, if you want to.

— GRELL

↘ JAWLINE kisses; Grell is a hot lover. They love every kind of kiss, however, there is one particular that they would literally die for. Jawline kisses are one of the sexiest kisses lovers can give each other. When you kiss them on the jawbone, Grell feels like you’re standing on the verge of kissing their lips and biting them on the pretty neck. It’s exciting not knowing which way you’re going to go on. This pinch of uncertainty and surprise is something they adore. Kissing on the jawline is also quite sloppy, and that happens quite often in your relationship, because after all, you both get busy with your own activities, so you have to show your affection quickly to enjoy each other more afterwards. However, it’s definitely worth waiting for the next such kisses.

↘ Kisses on the BARE SHOULDER; with Grell you feel cherished and desirable. They appreciate you like nobody else, compliment you like nobody else, caress you like nobody else. Your figure is the best canvas you can imagine for Grell, and your arm is like the first touch of a paintbrush. You love being kissed on the shoulder for two reasons – they’re intimate and affectionate, and at the same time, they can lead to more. You have a strange soft point for the Grell’s smile, and their teeth are your greatest weakness. Do you know how beautiful your shoulder look when Grell kisses or bites you there? They’ll definitely take some photos and toss them between the pages of their notebook as little bookmarks.

— UNDERTAKER

↘ Kisses on the CHIN; he’s damn tall and likes to tease you so badly. He lives for fun, so watching you try to kiss him on the lips or on the face in general is his daily pleasure. You practically never reach where you want, so you end up kissing him on the chin, and at one point that kiss became a favorite for Undertaker. Why? Probably because it’s the kiss you ask for the most, the one you care about the most, the one you want to feel the most. You’re so adorable when you jump or stand on tiptoes to reach for a peck. And... don’t think that Undertaker will ever make things easier for you. You gotta try harder, shortie.

↘ Kisses on the LIPS; however, there are days when your boyfriend demands a kiss, when he wants intimacy that only you can give him. Therefore, he immediately kisses you on the mouth, without any prior warning. For example, when he’s sitting at his desk in his shop, he suddenly pulls you onto his thicc lap and gives you a few quick but warm kisses right on your lip-balm-tasting mouth. You love these moments because a kiss on the lips is the kiss closest to those in love, it’s a kiss reserved only for two people in a relationship. So, could there be anything better than showing affection in this way to a person who means so much to us? Definitely not.

— SNAKE

↘ Kisses on the NECK; he will never admit it, but he likes the closeness you give him. He appreciates the sense of safety you show him every day. When you kiss him on the neck, on the scales that once seemed to him to be a defect or on his Adam’s apple he additionally feels that you want him like a normal and simple person, that you feel love and desire for him. It’s lascivious to kiss someone’s neck, you know that? That’s why when you do that, Snake melts. Your kisses on the neck, light bites, skin sucking are something that he associates with what he likes the most (apart from you, naturally), and these are his beloved snakes. When you kiss him on the larynx, he knows he’s helpless and vulnerable to you, so keep doing it and show him a lot of affection, okay? The boy definitely deserves it.

↘ Kisses on the TEMPLE; Snake is a sweet guy. He’s a bit shy and usually communicates with you through his pets who always help him tell you about his own feelings. When Oscar, Emily or Wilde tell him to give you a kiss on the temple, who would he be if he hadn’t obeyed their silent commands? He kisses you on the temples because he reaches to them perfectly. He kisses you on the temple because he thinks it’s a kiss that suits you both perfectly. He kisses you there because it’s a kiss that means a wish to protect you. You are important to him, and he wants to be as close to you as possible. He want you to know that he’s right next to your figure and these kisses always informs you about his presence and intentions through. You loves it, really.

— LAU

↘ Kisses on the EYELIDS; his eyes are closed most of the time, which is why he likes to be cared with your kisses. I think his facial skin is really soft and smooth, so kissing his eyelids is pure pleasure for the two of you. Lau has a soft spot for your scent, so when you bend over to give him a peck on the eye, he smirks silly, inhaling your sweet perfume scent or your morning scent after a nice night in the soft sheets. Every time you kiss his eyelid, he may even be tempted to open his eyes to see you better. And he definitely don’t regret the moment when he does it, because your smile is the brightest thing within a radius of several kilometers.

↘ EAR kisses; sometimes he’s just an idiot. He knows this is one of your most sensitive places, very prone to tickling, to his nice breath, to his wet but hot tongue. He likes to tease you, but that doesn’t mean you don’t like being teased. Kisses on the ear are intimate and private, they are often surrounded with a few whispers or compliments, and you love to feel appreciated and praised by him. Lau is the perfect lover, sometimes funny, sometimes serious, but no matter what the situation, you can count on him to give you a long kiss on the earlobe in the next few minutes. Your reactions are his favorite, so don’t count that he would ever stop doing it.

[class1akids]

hi, just wanted to say I appreciate your addition to that post about "problematic" fancontent. you shouldn't have had to share personal, traumatic experiences to prove a (very valid) point but the ideas you posted there rlly are things that present fandom culture should learn about.

Thank you for fully reading and understanding what I was trying to say. 

Thanks also to all the people who came to reassure me that a celebrity crush is not problematic. While I appreciate the support, this wasn’t really my point - I know that there is absolutely nothing problematic with it. 

What bothered me were that people insinuating / questioning whether I shipped Hawks x Shouto (1) felt entitled to ask me with an accusatory tone (2) suggested that if I were shipping it, I became suddenly a disgusting, problematic fan. 

And even though I don’t ship it, it really annoyed me for two reasons: (1) since I never actively promoted the ship, I feel like nobody should be questioned like that about what they may or may not like in their private thoughts; (2) it really bothers me that people are trying to assimilate young adult / late teen relationships (which may or may not be sexual) with sexual abuse of young children or call people who think about it pedophiles. 

I’m not denying that teen-adult relationships can be very problematic, nor am I denying that adults always have a responsibility towards minors. But I can’t help feeling that some distinctions should be made.

Teens in many countries can work, drink, drive cars, create social media accounts, have unsupervised access to the internet, have their own phones, go out with their friends with no parents present - and all these activities carry risks they need to learn to mitigate (because there will always be predators). It is true that the US classifies all sexual behavior with someone under-18 as CSA, but internationally the age of consent is lower. In many countries (including most European countries), 16 being the line rather and having close-age gap exemptions. So “underage” is not an absolute concept, it has a cultural framing (I grew up with 16 being the age of consent with an adult and 14 with another minor, so for me that’s normal). 

And yes, whether fans write about it or not, often teens do engage in sexual behavior, with peers or sometimes somewhat older people. “Problematic” fan-fiction didn’t create this - biology did. I had close friends who had affairs with college-age boys when they were in their teens, and were actively pursuing those relationships feeling like same-age boys were too immature. Their experience in a relationship like that is vastly different from my experience of being assaulted as a 9-year old.  Young children (under 14, but especially under 12) do not have this kind of autonomy and freedom, nor the tools to protect themselves.

Fandom police tries to create a false equivalence between these experiences, and on top of it, tries to pin the trauma of the 9-year old child on people who write about sex between let’s say a 17-year and 20-year old on a fan site tagged for Explicit content and Underage so people who don’t want to read it can really easily avoid it. They are not the same. 

And sure, internet strangers can be dangerous (though I’d expect the real predators to be more low-profile than artists promoting their works), and we need to teach safety to kids to spot them and avoid them, but abusers are more likely to be people we know. More than 8 out of 10 children who are sexually abused know their abuser. They are family members or friends often very young themselves, neighbours or babysitters, coaches or teachers or priests - many hold responsible positions in society, which is why it is so difficult for the kids to stand up for themselves in such a situation.

Also, just in general, you can’t protect CSA-victims by harassing fanfic writers and artists creating “problematic content”. How do you even decide what is “problematic”?

What if the author was one of the people who had sex as 16-year old with someone who was 19? If they wrote a memoir of their own experience, would it count as “child pornography”?  Obviously not. What if they didn’t feel like using their own name and decided to project that experience on two fictional characters, so they could stay anonymous? Does the content become problematic suddenly? What if it’s a fix-it for their real life experience? Or a friend’s experience? Who is getting harmed here? 

I mean I don’t even pretend to know the answer to these questions, but I feel like we should be able to talk about them without jumping to conclusions.  

Harassing those writers and artists, trying to shut down people’s imagination doesn’t solve the problem of child sexual abuse. It just contributes to another very widespread problem instead: cyberbullying. 

And I’m sure many people who send call-out asks to suspected “problem fans” or participate in calling them out or cancelling them believe that they are doing something good to protect children from sexual abuse. 

But as a CSA-survivor, I can tell you, harassing fandom creators, sending them anon death threats, telling them to kill themselves over their shipping preferences will not help child or teenage victims. But it may hurt a real person in a very real way. 

I have a couple of suggestions that are more helpful than fandom policing and discourse to the people who really feel passionate about solving these problems:

- Spread science and facts about the interaction of fiction and reality, rather than falsehoods. Here is an excellent essay citing good research. Here is another fascinating post. The point is, rather than try to police fiction, it’s more effective to actually learn to distinguish fiction from reality, to be able to access fiction critically and to teach kids media literacy

-  Reblog good content about teaching young children not only of “stranger danger” but of consent and body autonomy and asserting boundaries towards people they know and when interacting with kids, model these behaviours (things I wish my parents taught me)

- lobby for schools to have proper child protection policy and age-appropriate, real-science based sex education and good information about safe sex to people who don’t get this information from their families or schools  

- spread information about age-appropriate internet safety both for kids and teenagers, including how to spot grooming intent from adults, how to engage in online discussions safely

- spread and reblog information about basic self-defence and minimizing risks when out and about. 

- spread information about government services, hotlines and charities that help victims of CSA or if you feel ambitious volunteer and raise funds. 

I think these are more helpful and respectful to CSA-victims than the raging discourse happening in their name. I don’t think you can ever solve any problem by violent scapegoating and shutting down the conversation.

[dreamteamfanblog]

Obligatory I haven't kept up with Season Three at all and everything I talk about is pre Tommy dying, pre Niki joining the syndicate, pre Red Banquet, pre Los Navadas, pre Wilbur Revival, and pre Tommy/Ranboo marriage. To the point where I don't actually know functionally anything about any of the events I just mentioned except that they are the names of things that have gone down that y'all may know about so you can figure out when I stopped watching and what the most recent events at the time were. Pretty much everything I bring up in any of my posts will be primarily based in season one or season two discourse/events and I cannot promise anything is accounted for past the season two finale.

SO ONTO THE ACTUAL POST.

Hey why is it that the Techno Apologists never latch onto any examples of L'manburg actually being fucked up?

Like, it's always whining about how Techno was Betrayed when Pogtopia did literally exactly what they had been openly planning to do since the beginning, or about how The Butcher Army was supposedly so Mean and Bad for trying to execute Techno, or about how....idk man, L'manburg being awful solely because they were involved in so much conflict?

Which I mean not only are all of these arguments very weirdly untrue.

They're also super hypocritical.

Like it's so consistently argued that Techno didn't betray Pogtopia since he made his intentions clear from the start, but that also debunks their point that Techno was betrayed on account of the fact that Pogtopia made their intentions clear from the start too. People cheered and loudly passionately agreed and supported Techno's "And those that treat me with injustice — that use me, that hunt me down, that hurt my friends — I shall repay that injustice a thousand times over!" thing and yet this adamant support of such brutal retribution during a conflict in which Techno himself had landed the first blow....actively contradicts the narrative that the Butcher Army are bad and evil and had no right to do what they did? I mean Techno literally canonically both hunted Quackity down and hurt his friends and the case that Techno was used at all is only about as strong as the case that he used the others so either both of em' were or neither were, and in either case, there's no leg to stand on when Techno apologists happily support Techno destroying an entire nation including the lives and homes of people who had nothing to do with The Butcher Army yet also scoff at the very idea that executing a war criminal for murder and terrorism against them could possibly be anything other than horrifically evil and corrupt! Not to mention that again, "L'manburg are filled with such Violent Troublemakers who cause so much Chaos and Conflict", is a really weird and hypocritical thing to claim when you're defending mister Blood For The Blood God over here who literally jumped in the second he heard the word Revolution because he was just that fucking ready to fight then canonically took the lives of multiple members of L'manburg and blew up their whole city while explicitly talking about his desire for Chaos in a "Dog Eat Dog World"????

Like not only is it pretty easy to argue all these points on a "that's like factually incorrect?" basis alone but even completely refusing to touch that angle, literally nothing L'manburg did that's brought up by Techno Apologists as a gotcha can stand as an actual argument in his favour because every single fucking bit of it is stuff that Techno himself holds as part of his Oh So Righteous Ideology and it really doesn't work to say "Retribution is bad, but Retribution For Retribution! THAT I can get behind!" or "Conflict is bad, except when the bloodshed is For The Blood God of course" or "Pogtopia still Used and Betrayed him even though they were upfront from the start and the alliance was a mutual agreement initiated by Techno actually but Techno didn't use or betray anyone, he was upfront from the start and the alliance was a mutual agreement, how could he have betrayed them?"

Which is actually Painful lately because THERE ARE ACTUAL POINTS YA'LL COULD BE MAKING THAT AREN'T COMPLETELY FALSE OR HYPOCRITICAL ACTUALLY!

I don't support c!Techno by any means, in large part because I don't think he believes what he says and even if he did he hurts the people in his attempts to 'help'. But i'd like to point out very easy arguments to make in favour of the ideology and stance many Techno apologists seem keen on arguing he has.

For example, what about the L'manburg election? Two of the parties committed voter fraud which actively put the liberty/freedom of the people at risk. There was literally One decent party who's entire reason for joining was literally "Hey that's really fucked up that you just tried to ensure your own governmental power through unfair means at the expense of the people's agency?" with a side point of "Also while we're at it maybe you shouldn't ban a whole group of people from your country entirely all because like Two people who happen to be part of that group hurt you, that's kinda messed up too" and then there was a fourth party who literally Opened their campaign by swinging at other people and manically declaring their power. In the end the guys who literally tried to rig the election and honestly should have been banned outright from running because of the blatant act of corruption still won popular vote and in a desperate attempt to mediate how Bad of a decision the people had made there the one halfway decent candidate pooled votes with the only dude who didn't commit voter fraud but then the people still suffered because the coalition was quickly completely overpowered by the more corrupt/violent party and literally no amount of attempts to make things better through begging him to listen or going behind his back to free people who'd been unfairly imprisoned or anything else along those lines could change the fact that "I'm the president here, not you~". This situation was really fucked up. Behind door number one we've got the Hamilton Cosplay Tyrants who keep talking about the Glory Days or the War Effort or whatever and won't let anyone who doesn't have a similar enough accent to them into the country. Door number two are the Baked Goods Tyrants who are using this election to promote their cookies and stick it to the candidates dad that he's cooler than him or whatever, they literally hack the voter count and are Known for dragging other people into petty conflict (and not like "fighting your oppressors is so unnecessary" anti-l'manburg bad take levels of supposed "petty conflict", i mean like, actual petty conflict, case in point the damn pet wars). Then with door number three there's the Alcoholism-Is-Cool Tyrant man who at least didn't fudge any votes but also has never not been drunk and literally hunted the other candidates for sport when he first showed up so I mean in what world is this guy a stable candidate for anything at all, much less for a position of authority over people as influential as president. Now, behind door number four, there's actually a...pretty decent option? The entire reason he joined to begin with is because he was absolutely enraged by the corrupt bs the others were pulling with their little "run a single party election" stunt. The other party's spread blatantly false quotes supposedly from him to make him look bad. The other parties go out of their way to burn down his builds. He's honestly relatively cordial in comparison but still hits hard during debates, mainly because he's got some points. "There's good in everyone", i've been told he'd insisted, trying his best to talk to one of the other candidates and get to know him only to be shut down entirely. There were three AWFUL candidates and one honestly good one. And yet the way the system was set up meant there was pretty much no chance of winning. Meant the people were screwed no matter what. The people trying to commit ballot fraud and slandering the competition were the ones who set the terms of the election, two complete randos who didn't bother signing up initially showed up drunk or trying to prove something to their dad and also just all around being Awful and they were still allowed to enter. Which all kinda fucked Quackity over, actually. And then he was forced to either let Wilbur have full control knowing how corrupt and manipulative he was or pool votes with the violent drunk and maybe swerve their shared administration into something good. The entire setup from the word go completely fucked over Quackity and that

completely fucked over the innocent people of L'manburg. And even going into their shared administration, Quackity was so powerless! Schlatt did horrible corrupt things to everyone and Quackity was there at every juncture trying his absolute best to mediate that. But there was so little he could do from his position that he had to resort to very non legal methods like breaking Niki out of jail behind Schlatt's back, standing in the blast radius while he tried to convince Schlatt not to go through with Tubbo's execution because they can't just take the shot with him standing in the line of fire trying to talk them out of it surely, and even eventually firing an arrow into Schlatt and being the only person to canonically have the guts to not only walk out of Manburg of their own free will openly spiting Schlatt, but the only person who had the guts to purposefully take a life from him as well. And. Well. THIS IS ALL A HUGE FUCKING ISSUE. There was no good reason someone corrupt had to win that election, there was even a decent candidate running! And genuinely for no other reason than because the alternatives were Really Fucked Up as well! Then the fact that Quackity, even as vice president, had so little say in anything that he wasn't even legally allowed to protect good people from wrongful imprisonment or stop Schlatt from tearing down priceless monuments that meant a LOT to people? That's so much worse. Corrupt people designing the system specifically to facilitate their corruption and lend an unreasonable amount of power to a select few people to the extent where the goddamn vice president, another member of the government, can't do anything legally to stop the president from doing horrific things. That's bad. That is actually really bad. And even beyond the bullshit of the election and how little Quackity could do about any of this despite literally doing everything he was supposed to and was legally capable of doing, there's the added layer of how little agency the people of L'manburg had in all of this! Schlatt's main political rivals were immediately exiled- and not even for the corruption scandal, literally just because they were Schlatt's political rivals- and he literally threw his dissenters in jail not to mention executing a kid and tearing down important history. I mean, he had an approval rate of Literally Nobody and was actively hurting/oppressing his people. And there seemed to be literally no impeachment process at all in place and when the people he was meant to lead unanimously took up arms against him THEY were criticized and labeled as villainous usurpers as the vague ideal of ~Legality~ was placed as more important than actual real life people. trying to live without a dictator hanging constantly over them! Schlatt's technical legal position is regularly cited as a mark against the Pogtopia revolution, because apparently Schlatt's right to sit upon a blood coated throne drinking his life away ruling a ghost town where nobody felt they could safely live was somehow more important than the rights of every single person who lived in and loved that nation to stay alive and feel secure in their own homes! In this case the government did fail. In this case corrupt people set up a corrupt system that boosted other corrupt people with no reasonable way for any single good politician to negate nor any way for the people themselves to change this. Not without going outside of the law and being deemed immoral for impeding on the rule of their rightful leader. This IS a situation in which the government systematically hurt and failed the people in ways that were near impossible to change or escape. THIS IS L'MANBURG HAVING A CORRUPT GOVERNMENT.

Look no further than mister Dreamwastaken for more examples of governmental corruption! I mean, sure, Dream never technically held an office, but his lack of title does nothing to change his position as the ruler of the Smp. Dream is the one who names and dethrones kings, Dream is the one who chooses which nations to legitimize and which to destroy, Dream is the decider of the laws of this land and he can add or remove them as he pleases down to exerting his permission to break even the most sacred laws of the server such as killing within the holy lands. It doesn't matter if Dream had a specific title, he was, by definition, Government. Government is "the governing body of a nation, state, or community", a governing body is the person/people with authority to conduct the policy, actions, and affairs of a state, organization, or people. Dream. Was. Government. Corrupt government! From the very beginning of the server exerting his supreme god given control over people who didn't want it! Lying, cheating, stealing, killing, forcing his will onto others, hurting the people constantly. Dream was an honest to god tyrant, even moreso than any other villain on the server had ever been! And if you look back at every other awful thing that happened in the series it links back almost without fail to him. To his control. I mean need I remind everyone that one of the primary reasons Schlatt wasn't forcefully overthrown sooner was because Dream was standing in support of his rule? Need I remind everyone that the entire reason L'manburg ever had to exist anyway was because unionizing and protesting and standing as a united front was the only way the people of the server could hope to escape Dream's unwanted and oppressive government? Dream stood behind the actions of damn near every terrible government official we ever saw as well with the one exception being maybe Badboyhalo. Dream was government and he was extremely corrupt. Like. BLATANTLY so.

And god, i'm still shocked by how little I saw Techno apologists talk about the fucking exile. I mean dear god. That was the accumulation of like Every shitty government problem in the whole server. I mean first off enter Dream being unreasonable and Awful again, obviously, I mean Tommy burned a few blocks, who cares, it was fixed in like five seconds and George didn't even care that much. But Dream used his position as, y'know, the governing body of the Smp, to blow it out of proportion and demand Tommy be unfairly and disproportionately punished. Not only did Dream's governing position enable him to do this, he took advantage of George's and Tommy's own positions as a means to twist the narrative in his favour. Dream blatantly exploited his government position, George's government position, Tommy's government position, and then worst of all Tubbo's. Quackity and Fundy desperately urged Tubbo not to go through with the exile, Ranboo swiftly snapped to Tommy's defense and called out that this whole thing was completely unfair, Tommy himself was completely dismayed and insisted this wasn't right. And it wasn't! Anyone could see that, this whole situation was a blatant abuse of government power in like ten different ways from Dream and the only thing to do was to shut him down! It would be a betrayal to everything they stood for, to their personal relationships, to the duty they had to protect innocent people, to general morality and basic principles, to go through with the exile, and the majority of people felt this very strongly. Wanted to protect Tommy and themselves from Dream's governmental abuse. But Tubbo did it anyway. This was the decision of two people and two people alone. Dreamwastaken and Tubbounderscore. But their opinions were the only ones that mattered, because they're the leaders. They're the heads of government. And if they spoke the command, to see that Tommyinnit were out of their territories where he would be tortured and abused for months? Then so be it. Then their word is law. Fundy and Quackity were struck with complete horror, they screamed, they pushed, they were in complete and utter disarray, and there was nothing they could do as long as Tubbo held to his decision because as we established back during Schlatt's reign, not even a good politician desperate for things to be better holds a candle to the decision of the president, and there's nothing that can be done, because he's president and they're not. Within much of the fandom Quackity and Fundy were criticized for "disrespecting" Tubbo's choice. Because what right did they have to speak out against the choice of the president? Tubbo was in charge, and it was their job to shut up and facilitate his decisions. That was an implication I saw often at the time. That because Tubbo was president, because of his title, his governmental position, his opinion was inherently more important and was absolutely not subject to scrutiny from those 'below' him. That the anger and hurt and fear of Quackity and Fundy, of real people, for their livelihoods and their safety and their friend, were less important than Tubbo's decision. This placement of Tubbo as 'above' the others and the implication that they are obligated to bite their tongues for the sake of 'respect' towards their president and his authority? It was complete and total bullshit. And I fully expected the Techno apologists to come out of the woodwork to affirm this! I fully expected to be able to agree with the Techno apologists for once, maybe not on every level, but at the very least on the level that this situation oozed governmental abuse from every pore and the idea that real people who felt hurt and scared and betrayed and angry because of Tubbo and Dream's little political nightmare were somehow out of line in their intense feelings because Tubbo's word is law and they need to show some respect to their government? I thought immediately that there was NO way in HELL this wouldn't be picked up immediately by the anti government Techno apologists!

But the thing is. It wasn't.

None of these were.

Techno apologists rarely acknowledge any of these actual examples of the government being really fucked up in favour of exhaustingly see through and hypocritical non examples to justify Techno's anti-government stance.

And, well, I highly suspect the reason for this is exactly the reason I can't support the perspective of c!Techno to begin with despite how I just went on my own rant about government corruption.

And that reason is because Techno, and by association the people who argue for his world view, don't actually care.

I mean, let me ask you a question. Just really, truly, honestly. In all of these examples of real honest to god government corruption issues from Wilbur to Schlatt to Dream.....who were the victims?

The people.

The people of L'manburg.

Tubbo, Niki, Fundy, Tommyinnit, Quackity. I mean they Kinda played parts in Some of these issues but usually under direst distress/manipulation from Wilbur or Schlatt or Dream.

The people who suffered, the people who's lives were effected, the people who were disproportionally hurt by all of the real governmental issues on the server are the people of L'manburg. The people who suffered under Schlatt's leadership, the child executed unfairly, the woman thrown in prison, the one politician who fought to make things right but was overpowered at every step, the people who lost their homes, the people who lost their friends, the other child exiled and abused for months for no good reason, the two who begged and pleaded and did everything to stop it only to be left powerless to protect him, even the young president himself cornered into this decision by fear and trauma and threats from somebody intent on exploiting the governmental dynamics to hurt people. Those are the fucking victims!

And nobody defending a Techno perspective can afford to acknowledge a situation in which the people of L'manburg are the victims!

It's a question nobody seems to know how to answer, really. The argument is made and even taken for granted as true that Techno things governments are corrupt and oppressive, he did what he did to protect the people this oppression would hurt. But who exactly are these people Techno protected? Where are these livelihoods defended? These lives saved? These homes maintained? These happy people Techno saved from the oppressive government?

The truth is that they're not real.

And the only people Techno ever managed to hurt were the victims he claims to be defending from the corruption of governments.

Now, the sources of corruption were Wilbur, Schlatt, Dream, and their policies. The way the elections were set up, the unfair power dynamic established by the corrupt first two presidents of the nation, and the control/abuse Dream exerted from his own governmental position. So naturally anybody who wants to actually tackle government corruption in the Smp needs to take care of them first and foremost. Get Wilbur and Schlatt out of power at least, get rid of Dream period, and then start reforming and limiting governmental controls. If not completely dismantling the government at least establishing things within L'manburg like actually effective checks and balances within the governmental body, setting up an impeachment process, putting harder vigilance onto what a president can or can't do, upheaving and adding more restrictions/rules/protections within the election system, etc. Outside of L'manburg would be trickier, however it likely wouldn't be too difficult to at least significantly alter/water-down the roles of Eret or George or whoever the king is at this point, again, if not entirely abolishing the role. The Badlands are a weird situation and honestly especially with the whole egg thing they'd for sure still be an Issue and a lot harder to reform but I mean to be fair their whole schtick is literally just being a corrupt government and trying to take as much land as possible and rule the world so what you wanna do there is use the same force you used with Wilbur, Schlatt, and Dream to disband The Badlands.

"Woah Woah Woah, you talk about that like it's so easy, that wouldn't be possib-"

yes it would be.

Schlatt died of alcohol poisoning before we could even touch him, Wilbur threw himself onto a sword with gusto, and Dream for all his bravado literally did not put up any fight once people got off their asses for two seconds to take care of him, okay? And again, The Badlands are a more worrying situation with The Egg and the amount of land they own and Sam's jurisdiction over the prison and all, but I mean from what i've heard via word of mouth pretty much everyone's canonically sick of their shit and are fairing pretty well thus far all things considered.

"Okay, fine, Beating People Up is easy enough, but what about the real work of government reforms?!? All these people are so Greedy and Powerhungry they'd neve-"

That's the whole thing, though, isn't it? They're NOT. Quackity spent literally the first two seasons at least as an active part of the government and he did fuck all for himself, he spent the whole time trying to stop Wilbur's corruption after finding out about his voter fraud or trying to stop Schlatt's corruption from hurting people or trying to stop Dream's corruption or trying to make sure his friends aren't abused/killed/jailed for no good reason or trying to keep their homes from being blown up again and the only reason he even got involved in politics at all was literally specifically because Wilbur was trying to run a one party election and SOMEONE had to put their foot down there, Quackity's always been very about Power To The People and preserving the rights/history of the people generally and has a history of stepping back into a less commanding role when he's secure in the knowledge that he doesn't Need to be taking charge or everyone might suffer/die/lose-their-homes-again. Tommy outright refused to be president when he was given the chance and has really consistently moreso cheered for the people he loves when they land in some sort of office rather than persuing leadership himself, and while he's been very willing to take up a leadership role when it's needed and people are in danger/in need of someone to step up and rally them, Tommy would really rather just listen to his music discs and spend time with his friends and pull a few relatively harmless pranks here and there and make big ugly (/lh/pos) cobble towers that he's so proud of anyway and doesn't seem to get why everyone else exasperatedly roll their eyes at them because he just thinks they're so neat! Tubbo is much the same, he took on a leadership position when it didn't seem there was any other choice but to do so but he's been content to play support for the most part other than that and really truly just wants to live a peaceful life with his bees and his best friend. Fundy and Niki actively chased the presidency at one point, of course, and I used their campaign as an example of corrupt bs as well, but honestly they were just dumb rebellious teens who didn't seem to get the weight of the election and just kinda like handed out pastries then lost miserably, so I mean, more than forgivable on their part, really, and for the large majority of L'manburg's history they followed in everyone else's pattern of stepping in when people need to be protected but otherwise just trying to live happy peaceful normal lives. This little group spent the large majority of their time in L'manburg just trying to defend themselves and their homes and each other from corruption and oppression so that maybe just maybe they could finally get to rest knowing that nobody's in any danger. If the danger went away, so would their need to step in. Quackity would go do some dumb (/lh/pos) bit where he puts on a ridiculous skin and sings even more ridiculous songs, Niki would be baking cookies and sharing them with her best buddy Fundy and anyone else who wanted to drop by, Tubbo and Tommy would be in a field somewhere watching the bees and listening to Mellohi while they giggle to themselves waiting for someone to find the big goofy posters they put up everywhere as a prank. That's who they were for the large majority of their arcs throughout L'manburg's existence. On the other side of things neither George nor Eret really care too deeply about the crown either. George only ever wanted a crown after he lost it, not because of the power, but because he was hurt by Dream's lack of regard for him. Eret on the other hand has a precedent of putting aside his crown for the wellbeing of other people and has long since resolved himself to be better than the person he used to be. None of them would be opposed to heavy reformation or even absolution of government powers. The entire reason L'manburg even exists is because of the fear and trauma and pain that came from the oppressive government force that is Dream and the people's desire to cling together for a chance at personal

freedom, with the threats gone they don't need to hold on quite so hard. These were never powerhungry monsters, these were victims of oppression and abuse and violence that spent their entire lives trying to defend themselves and their homes so they could just be happy and free.

These are the measures Techno SHOULD have taken! These are the people he SHOULD have been protecting! If he stands by his ideology that governments are oppressive and hurt people and if he truly did want to protect people from that oppression then why DIDN'T he?!?

Why didn't his morals and principals and desire to take down oppressors kick in during the festival when he was ordered by a tyrant to kill a child and did it instead of standing up and protecting the victims of tyranny?!? Why didn't he take Wilbur down when he realized how full of greed envy Wilbur was and that he planned to hurt people?!? Why did he, multiple times, work with Dream, the epitome of government oppression on the server?!? Why is it that the only people Techno consistently targets are the VICTIMS of the actual governmental oppression that Techno largely ignores?!?

And THAT is exactly why you don't see Techno apologists going on and on about how unfair the election was because of Wilbur or how the presidency in L'manburg was set up to where despite people trying desperately to push back Schlatt could not be opposed legally or how Dream is literally the most horrifically oppressive tyrant who is a prime example of how governments can be extremely corrupt. You never see Techno apologists going on about any of these ACTUAL issues because when you talk about Wilbur and Schlatt and Dream a bit too in detail a little bit of focus ends up on who exactly their victims were and there doesn't seem to be a good explanation regarding Techno's extreme actions only extending to victims of governmental abuse often in only minor roles of power if even that out of necessity to protect against the real oppressors. Why Techno's extreme actions frequently involved working alongside these actual oppressive forces against a group of people who literally want to be left alone and are only part of/live under a government like the one they do because they're in constant danger and this is the only way to maybe protect yourself and others against someone like Dream.

Tommy, Tubbo, Quackity, Fundy, and Niki shouldn't have been Techno's enemies. They shouldn't have been his targets! THEY hate oppressive government just as much as he does! They don't want anything to do with this bullshit anymore than he does! The side you see Techno Apologists claim he's on is literally THEIR SIDE. If he truly believes what he says and wants to fight tyranny then these are his allies! These are the victims he's so invested in looking out for! And yet these are the people he's slaughtering and bombing and aiding in the oppression of!

Techno apologism, by its very nature, requires you to see these citizens of L'manburg as oppressive. Requires you to see at least Tommy and Quackity as powergrabbing foolish tyrants who care more about the government then people. I heavily suspect this is the primary reason most Techno apologists aren't keen on looking at actual examples of this government corruption Techno talks so much about.

I mean, if you bring up the election in too much detail as an example, stressful little details like Wilbur's voter fraud and the fact that Quackity's entire motive for ever running for an office was to prevent government corruption. Which is a sticky scenario because Techno helps Wilbur in the end and seriously hurt Quackity in specific a Lot throughout this arc. Techno apologism relies a biiitttt too much at speeding by Wilbur real quick and hoping nobody points out that Wilbur wasn't motivated by a desire to get rid of governments but rather by a sense of envy and entitlement that if he can't have it noone can as well as relying on the ability to swiftly and decisively assert Quackity's motives as powergrabbing from the election onwards. Examining the corruption in the election itself throws that off. A Lot. When you have to look head on at Wilbur's corruption the fact that his "If I can't have it noone can" thing was a corrupt government official hurting the people out of envy and pride, and Wilbur's main source of contention being Quackity very quickly comes into focus as everyone suddenly remembers that hey, wasn't Quackity the only one who didn't commit fraud, and didn't he run in the first place to fight government corruption? And then Techno's role in all of this looks significantly odder and less in line with the claims that he's heroically opposing corruption. Furthermore examining the power dynamics of the tyranny within Schlatt's reign, you see a president with too much power enabled by Wilbur's shotty election system and Dream's vocal support, something outwardly opposed by the people beneath them; Tommy, Tubbo, Niki, Fundy, Quackity, who are all hurt by this abuse of government power more than anybody else is. Similarly the exile decision. Examining Dream as a tyrant is in of itself a sore spot on account of Techno's fairly frequent alliances with him. But even worse is what happens when you acknowledge the extent of Tubbo's power as president and the idea that his decision is inherently more important than the feeling of his people who he hurt, which is a good point towards the corruption of the government, but intensely highlights Fundy and Quackity's responses as valid or even correct, something that Techno apologists really can't do for obvious reasons.

Techno's perspective and actually defending it relies heavily on the villainization of victims and the understatement of real sources of corruption. It's a trade off, it seems. There are many points that can be made to form a very strong case against the government dynamics on the smp, something that would do wonders in strengthening the Techno Apologist claim that Government Bad, Anarchy Right, however this comes at the tradeoff of making it clear that the oppressive government forces come from people like Dream or Wilbur and not people like Quackity or Tommy who are the victims of said oppressive government, something that you REALLY cannot afford to imply if you're trying to argue that Techno was right and was working from a desire to prevent oppression when he worked with Dream and Wilbur to hurt Quackity and Tommy. I doubt this is intentional obviously because who the fuck takes a stance in discourse that they Know For A Fact Is False, lol, but if you believe Techno's right then you also have to believe the people of L'manburg are power hungry or tyrannical which means doing these mental gymnastics often without realizing it.

So we see these debates stick to examples like The Butcher Army, things that are significantly flimsier but also aren't liable to literally cripple their claim if examined too closely.

But the truth continues to be that Techno has irreparably hurt and traumatized the victims of the very kind of governmental abuse that it's so often claimed he's protecting people from. When he should have been fighting people like Dream, Wilbur, and Schlatt, and helping the people of L'manburg recover and reform their community, he instead attacked and destroyed and killed these people, often fighting alongside real tyrants in doing so.

I mean, hell, if Techno really was super against oppressive governments and wanted to fight/destroy them and help the victims? He and Quackity would be best friends. Quackity stood up against Wilbur's corruption at every turn and was the first person to do so, and if Techno actually fought corruption half as much as he claims to, he would have been right there with Quack rather than colluding with Wilbur to destroy innocent people's land. During the festival execution Quackity was trying his absolute best to put a stop to it and even stood in the blast radius while doing so, if Techno had cared half as much as he claims he does about tyranny then he wouldn't have taken the fucking shot, not with Quackity in the line of fire, not at Tubbo to begin with. Quackity realized that they needed to shake Dream off once and for all or they'd never truly be free from abuse of power from those above them, and if Techno really truly had a vested interest in freeing victims from governments that hurt them then he would have been right there at Quackity's side throughout season two. And yet not once, through the two seasons I watched of screentime with them, not once was there a moment in which they were working towards the same thing. At the festival, Techno had the chance to run or refuse or realign his shot to take out Schlatt instead and very likely would have made it out alright, meanwhile Quackity was actively putting his life at risk by standing where he was and making the attempts he was to make Schlatt see reason even though Quackity was pretty much unarmed, had a rocket pointed near him, and his entire life was in L'manburg, it was Quackity who had more to lose and Techno who had the chance to run, and yet it was Quackity alone who stood against the orders of a tyrant and voiced that this shouldn't be happening, and it was Techno who took not only Quackity's life but the life of a child as well when he took the shot anyway. As soon as he'd joined Pogtopia, Quackity was opposing Wilbur, standing besides Tommy in the button room and putting his own life on the line as well while they tried desperately to convince Wilbur not to ruin innocent people's lives, and yet Techno not only never put himself at risk to stop Wilbur, he actively collaborated with Wilbur, with a corrupt politician, as he planned to selfishly steal the happiness of the people just because he lost his own power. That's not even to speak of Doomsday, in which Techno, with actual corrupt politicians all around him, aimed weapons of mass destruction towards their victims, towards Quackity and everyone he loved. And of course, Techno wasn't there to help fight Dream, the L'manburg cabinet even suspected he may help, he's meant to be against tyranny after all, but of course, Techno wasn't there, and in fact allied himself with Dream yet again throughout the season. If Techno ACTUALLY followed through with his supposed principals, the people of L'manburg would have loved him, especially Quackity, who is very much similar to what Techno claims to be (someone who's fierce in his defense against corruption and who will fight almost without fail for victims of oppression and against harmful systems even if he's not always particularly palatable and nice and malleable in his regard towards tyrants), and the fact that they specifically have been played against each other at literally every single turn to the point where Techno, after having associated himself with helping fuckers like Schlatt, Wilbur, or Dream for so long, joined them on Quackity's list of people who've treated him with injustice, hunted him down, hurt his friends, and needs to be repaid- oh huh sounds familiar. Like Quackity is in a lot of ways what Techno would be if his ideology actually lined up with the heroic freedom fighter against tyranny ideology that's subscribed to him way too often despite the fact that he's either so weirdly out of touch he completely misread ALL the dynamics on this server or he genuinely honest to god doesn't actually believe in or care about his whole I Fight The

Immorality Of Government Corruption thing.

Hell, beyond literally Quackity actually, just look to Puffy for the actually honest and good aligned alternatives for people who say they want to fiercely fight against corruption and actually do it.

Idk man, it's just weird to me. I didn't even plan the ending of this post like at all, the premise was just supposed to be pointing out the actual government corruption and asking why Techno Apologists weren't on that but then the whole 'okay but if you pay attention to all that then techno's literally been targeting the victims of the corruption he claims to hate instead of helping them fight it' realization hit and I was like, Yep, His Whole Anti Government Ideology Still Doesn't Check Out.

[urkpoppsychic]

ENHYPEN reading personality & more messages!

Reminder: This is just a reading dont take it serious and move on if its not your type of reading. Enjoy !

JUNGWON: He is someone who is mentally mature and looks at situations with an objectively mindset. He can make great decisions, and is honest and truthful due in what he needs and what he doesn't need. He might sound very serious but he also loves to see humor in every situation. He might be young but He is independent, realistic, experienced and very wise.

Messages from angels/spirit (general reading):

He is taking his time alone, wanting to reflect and learn and back in his inner-world. He is hoping because he might have a straight poker face and sitting in his leader role but inside of him, he still feels lacking some confidence, his insecurities not seeing the worth in himself. a bit lost how things will go. He is focusing on what would go wrong. He is alone to reflect himself and improve his negative thinking. He stays rational and logical.

HEESEUNG: He is someone who just goes with the flow, in this life he has to learn and grow in his emotional development, there is something that he needs to learn how to balance his emotions. Because he seems to have some mood swings when he is overwhelmed. He might not be aware of his lesson yet but because of the imbalance in his emotions it can make him puzzle with his mind, and unhealthy beliefs. Because he needs to be sure and see the security to feel balanced from others. His mind is much stronger. He is intelligent, consistent and a fast learner . Someone who will be a great student. His ideas will be helpful for his career.

Messages from angels/spirit (general reading):

Also for him he is logical and straight to the point but he went through some moments of fears and worries in the past couple of weeks. Now he is trying to release that and recover from it. he is still feeling overwhelmed by his emotions. He might not understand how to handle his emotions. He rather be logical than emotional. Because emotions make him feel like he feels blind and trapped.

JAY: This person is unstoppable, he is focused and creative, he is a perfectionist and is idealistic. He is ambitious and very charismatic. His fire passion can create things but also to destroy. His attentive and fastforward nature is a good trait but if he overdue that it can lead to conflicts for his career and love life. He needs to learn how to think first before he act, or else he will end up feeling regret for his actions by accidentally hurting others for being too fast and attentive. But he will learn in the long-term run. cus that is his lesson to learn. He is overall a nice person, but he might act too quickly before he thinks.

Messages from angels/spirit (general reading):

He is thinking deep, and doubting while planning towards the future. The plant has seeds and it only needs time to grow. He might feel trapped by uncertainty and feeling lack of direction. But he is surrounded by the people who are helping him out and supporting him by his close friends.

JAKE: This person is organized and logical, He has good disciplines and his lifestyle is structured. He also has an authority side of him that can also be a great leader role. He is a stable person when it comes to physics, fit and sportive. What he needs to learn is getting to know his other members more and learn the difference between cultures. He accepts others for who they are and is open to learning from others. He might also sound like a father role in the group. He helps others to be disciplined and change your lifestyle in a healthy one. He might be a good person who has good influences and good intentions. He might sound strict or serious but his only intention is to help you out. Cus he cares about you.

Messages from angels/spirit (general reading):

He might be feeling emotionally overwhelmed and blocked as if he has to recover or heal from a past lover. Love life vs career basically. But he chose to stay in his position (his career). It caused him hurt and turmoil. He is cutting the person out of his life and trying to heal his wounds. By staying focused on his career goals.

SUNG HOON: He has good social skills and he might have a lot of idol friends too, he might be a nice friend, He focuses on the positives and having fun. He rather dropped all the expectations and responsible that he used to wear in the best. He lets others take the lead, while he wants to lay back and follow his true dreams without having too many responsibilities. This person has the talent to have many skills. He is multitalent and will never stop improving. He is someone who puts a lot of effort in his skills.

Messages from angels/spirit (general reading):

Right now he has to deal with people who are giving him a hard time, trying to block him from his dreams and goals. Saying that he shouldn't do this or that. Trying to manipulate and persuade him. He might not tell this problem to someone else. He is trying to be bold and rush off when his friends are asking about what is going on. It is something sensitive for him and he feels vulnerable and uncomfortable to share it. dealing with two options and two choices but he chose not to take an option. He is going for his own goals. but this situation makes him feel stuck and trapped. The person who talked him down might be someone from his family.

SUNOO: This person might have to deal with a lot of hurt and pain in the past. He is now working on healing and recovering those scars from his past. He might have a great bond with a motherly figure who he feels thankful and grateful. He might sometimes feel confused when it comes to new people but he is cautious and careful. He is loving and caring when you create a bond with him. The love of his mother figure makes him who he is. I always feel that he missed a father figure or someone very important in his life. That made him feel like something is lacking. I find him very sad but he learns to focus more on the people who are around. He is very smart and talented. soft on the inside, and harsh on the outside. the softness from the mother figure and the coldness of the fatherly figure. He takes good care of his members

Messages from angels/spirit (general reading):

He is really a soft loving person, he might also have that rebellious harsh cold attitude side of him that also kinda feels cool and badass and a bit asshole. But that is only his protection magnetism. He will not be open to strangers that easily. Some people might misunderstand that and make a big deal out of it. But He doesn't want to show his vulnerable side too fast. (as if he is the ICE KING). He might not always feel like he fits with the society as well. But he is very good with protecting others and building a secure home/base for his future career. He might not show his feelings and emotions through words. He hides it but will show his gratitude to actions and deeds.

NIKI: He is very feminime and powerful, he has big dreams and he will make that true. He is warm and sweet to others and also to himself. He takes good care of himself. He always shows the people his best version of himself. People praise him for that. He also has a lot of love for nature and animals. He is authestic and youthful person who has a lot of opportunity to blossom. The birth of new ideas and creation. sensitive and emotionally balanced. People don't know what to expect but he is capable of a lot of hidden skills.

Messages from angels/spirit (general reading):

He might feel a bit disappointed cus he is working on improvements and an authority figure like a teacher. The figure must have some critics and feedback in an honest truthful way to help him. But Niki takes it personally and feels not good enough and is working harder to approve the figure. He is skipping some events or group activities to work on his skills. He might be a bit stubborn but he sure works hard. Nothing to worry about.

[badchoicesposts]

In a Land of Myth...

Chapter 13

Summary: When Selene, a young sorceress, arrived in Stormholt she had every intention of remaining anonymous. King Constantine Rys had strict rules on sorcery. The act itself was punishable by death, and she had no desire to be burnt at the stake for her “crimes”. However, it becomes increasingly difficult for her to remain unseen when she becomes Prince Liam’s personal maidservant, and it seems that it’s her job to protect him from everyone that wants to kill him.

Disclaimer: This AU is a cross between TRR, The Crown and The Flame, and BBC’s Merlin. Merlin follows the tale of King Arthur and the sorcerer Merlin. Merlin comes to Camelot where magic is outlawed and is made Prince Arthur’s servant. You do not have to watch the show to understand this fic, but it is based on the BBC show Merlin so the story line will be similar. I don’t own the plot to Merlin or any of the TRR characters.

Word Count: 4,228

Author’s Note: This series is finally back and with a new mood board! Thanks so much for being so patient with the fact that it took so long!

Taglist: @flowerpowell, @bobasheebaby, @alexintheskyy, @slytherincursebreaker, @kingliam2019, @furiousherringoperatortoad, @goldenbirdcrystalcage, @burnsoslow​, @zilch3, @desiree-0816, @sanchita012

Let me know if you would like to be added to or removed from the taglist!

Catch Up: Masterlist

Selene slid herself into Liam’s wardrobe, shutting the door enough to keep herself hidden but also making sure she could still hear what was going on in the room. Liam and Kiara had already been on their ride for over an hour, and it was getting dark outside, so they should be returning at any moment. Selene let out an annoyed breath as she pushed one of Liam’s cloaks out of her face. When she had woken up that morning she hadn’t expected to have to hide in her employer’s wardrobe to spy on him and the woman that was trying to kill him, but here she was anyway.

“Stupid Liam and his stupid hadsome face, never knowing when someone is trying to kill him. And of course I have to do all the work and save his royal ass, but do I ever get any thanks? No, it's all ‘Don’t tell anyone you have magic, Selene. You’ll get murdered for saving the prince’s life, Selene’,” she grumbled under her breath, giving her best Bastien impression.

“Are you talking to yourself in there?” Drake whisper yelled from his hiding place under Liam’s bed.

When he had heard how dangerous the sidhe could be, he insisted on helping her. She had tried to explain that she was the one with the magic, and if something went wrong she would end up having to save him and not the other way around, but Drake was nothing if not stubborn. 

“Shhhh, stop being so loud,” she called back to him, cringing when she realized that she had complained loud enough for him to hear. 

“You’re the one who started it!” he responded in the same tone, causing her to roll her eyes. 

“Yes, well now I’m telling you to stop continuing it!” she said, hearing him grumble in response. 

She shushed him once again when she heard the door to Liam’s chambers opening and peeked through the small opening between the wardrobe doors to see Liam and Kiara stumble in. From her spot she could see the dazed look on Liam’s face as Kiara pushed him to sit on the bed. She stood over him looking intently into his eyes. Kiara grasped his hands tightly in hers and muttered an incantation. 

“Our love is strong. Tell me you feel the same way too,” she muttered in a low, sultry voice. 

“I feel the same way. I love you,” Liam responded in a hypnotized voice. 

“I could never stand to be parted from you,” Kiara continued, rising one of her hands to stroke the side of his face. 

“I would never let anyone part us,” Liam said. 

“We should be together. Till death do us part,” Kiara said. 

“Till death do us part.”

Kiara muttered the spell once again before pressing her lips to Liam’s. She pulled away from him and he fell onto the bed unconscious. Kiara looked over him for a moment, before waltzing out of the room. Selene sprinted out of the wardrobe and checked for his pulse. The man was still alive, but in a deep sleep. 

“Drake! Get out of there!” she said, running to the door. 

She was about to open it when she heard Kiara and Hakim’s voices on the other side.

“He’s ready. He’ll do what we need him to,” Kiara said. 

“Good. I must go to the elders,” Hakim said. “You have done well.”

“Good luck, father,” Kiara responded, closing the door to her own chambers as Hakim began to walk in the other direction.

Selene poked her head out the door and made sure that the corridor was empty before sprinting after Hakim’s retreating form. She heard loud footsteps behind her, and a moment later Drake’s strong hand grabbed onto her wrist and stopped her from moving. 

“What are you doing?” he asked quietly. 

“What does it look like? I’m following him,” she whispered back, pulling her arm out of his grasp and moving forward. 

Drake grabbed onto her again and pulled her behind a nearby pillar. 

“That’s not a good idea,” he said. 

“Do you have a better one? We need to know what we’re dealing with and who these elders are,” she said, moving to follow Hakim once again. 

“Selene,” Drake called after her. 

“I’m going, Drake. You can’t stop me,” she said.

Selene heard Drake mumble something under his breath, but he didn’t try to stop her again. Instead, he walked up next to her allowing her to lead the way. 

“You’ve never followed anyone have you?” she asked.

“No, why would I have?” he asked.

“Get behind me,” she instructed.

“Why?” 

“Because if we’re walking side by side it’s more noticeable,” she said, grabbing his arm and pulling him behind her.

They began walking through the woods, making sure to keep a respectable distance from Hakim, before stopping in front of a large lake. Selene pulled Drake behind a tree next to her, and they both peered out from behind it. Hakim began to speak loudly in a language Selene didn’t recognize, and a moment later, a bright ethereal light coming from the surface of the water blinded them. Several blue orbs of light began floating around the surface of the water wildly and slowed to a stop in front of Hakim. 

At first glance the creatures seemed beautiful and nonthreatening. However, upon closer inspection Selene could see that the harsh faces and sharp teeth on the creatures. They were small but terrifying to look at. 

“I come to you to plead for a chance of an immortal life and entrance back into the realm of the sidhe,” Hakim called loudly over the rustling wind. 

“Your punishment for killing another sidhe is a mortal life and a mortal body. You shall never be allowed back into our realm,” the elder responded, his voice deep and intimidating even for a creature so small. 

“The crime was mine, not my daughter’s. I offer you the soul of Prince Liam Rys of Stormholt in exchange for my daughter’s passage back to our home,” Hakim called desperately.

The elder was silent for a moment as he looked over Hakim curiously. 

“Liam Rys,” he mused. “Liam Rys. Bring us his soul and your daughter shall be welcomed back with open arms.”

With that the sidhe elders began zooming across the surface of the lake once again and disappeared a moment later. Hakim chuckled in satisfaction to himself and began to turn around to make his way back to the palace. Drake grabbed onto Selene’s shoulders and pushed her back against the tree they were hiding behind, pressing himself up against her as Hakim walked past their hiding spot. Selene was almost positive that he could feel how fast her heart was beating in her chest as she stood caged between his body and the tree. 

She could feel his breath on her skin as he gently pressed his forehead against hers, the action causing her to close her eyes and lean closer into him. Their lips were centimeters apart, and Leo’s words telling her to explore her options floated through her mind. It would have been so easy to sink into his arms and pretend that everything was okay. But, then she thought back to Liam. Liam who was lying in his bed at the castle, bewitched and about to lose his soul.

“He’s gone. It’s safe for us to go,” she whispered, pushing him away from her and beginning to walk back to the trail to the castle. 

After a few moments of walking alone, she felt Drake come up behind her, and the two made the rest of the journey in silence. He followed her back up to her and Bastien’s chambers, the two bringing a tense energy in with them. Bastien had been preparing himself for bed, and Selene dropped down onto the mattress next to him and stared at the ceiling absentmindedly.

“They want to sacrifice his soul to the sidhe elders so that Kiara will be regranted immortality,” she said tiredly. 

“Regranted?” Bastien asked.

“Apparently Hakim killed another sidhe so their punishment was a mortal life and body.”

“And Kiara has Liam under some kind of spell. He just agrees with whatever she says,” Drake said, leaning against the wall next to the bed.

“You know what they want now. That’s good, it’s progress. You two should get some sleep tonight. There’s not much more you can do tonight,” Bastien said.

Drake bade them goodnight and departed, however, Selene made no move to get up from the bed beside Bastien. 

“What is it?” he asked her.

“I know that my magic is strong, but this feels different. It feels dangerous. I know people have tried to hurt Liam before, but no one’s ever controlled his mind like this. How am I supposed to stop them?”

Bastien sighed and turned onto his side to face her. 

“I think you know what you have to do,” he stated, looking at her sympathetically. Selene’s eyes began to fill with tears.

“I’ve never killed anyone before, Bas. Not directly. I caused the chandelier to fall during Joelle’s performance, but I’ve never actively tried to take someone’s life. I don’t know if I can do it,” she said, curling herself into his side and crying into his shoulder.

Bastien wrapped his arms around her and held her close. 

“I still remember the first life I ever took. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget it,” he said softly. “I was coming back to Stormholt with a patrol group, and we were attacked by a group of bandits. They were brutal, and they struck to kill. We were surrounded, and I ended up locked in battle with one of the most ruthless of the bunch. It became obvious that it was going to be him or me, but it was still one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make.”

“How did you deal with it?” she asked, her tears soaking into the thin material of his shirt. 

“I went to Jackson Walker,” he said. “My father was already dead, and even if he was alive, it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. He was never the type to think twice when it came to defeating his enemies. Jackson spent quite a bit of time with the knights of Stormholt, and he was always kind to me.”

“What did he say?”

“He told me that there was a difference between survival and murder. There’s a difference between good intentions and bad ones. He said that ending someone’s life should be a last resort, but the fact that I was having such a hard time dealing with it set me apart from that bandit. He said that the guilt and remorse I felt proved that I was still human. Killing should never be an easy decision, and when it becomes one is when you know you’ve lost yourself, you’ve lost your humanity. Why do Hakim and Kiara want to kill Liam?” 

“Because Kiara wants to be immortal.”

“And do you think that’s a selfish or noble reason?” Bas asked.

“It’s selfish, but don’t you think there’s good and bad in everyone?” she said.

“I do believe that,” he said simply, as Selene shifted slightly in his arms to make herself more comfortable. 

“I don’t think they’re all bad, but they’re willing to sacrifice someone else’s life for their own personal gain, and that isn’t fair,” she mused. “But, then it could also be argued that killing them to keep Liam from dying is also selfish. I’m so confused.”

She pushed her face back into his shoulder and groaned in frustration. 

“Selene, what I’m trying to say is that you’re not a bad person. I know you’re having a hard time with this, and it’s not fair that you have to make a decision like this. But, the difference between you and them is that you’re here crying about the thought of harming them, but they didn’t think twice about hurting Liam.”

~~~

Selene woke up with the sun the next morning and rolled over to see Bastien lying asleep next to her. She slid out of bed and slipped out the door, her head aching and eyes still swollen from all of her crying the night before. Bastien had done his best to console her, but no matter how hard she tried the thought of killing Kiara and Hakim set her off. However, right now she couldn’t even think about all of that. The only thing on her mind was making sure that Liam was still okay. As she approached his chambers she could hear raised voices coming from inside them and began walking faster.

“Li, this is crazy!” Drake exclaimed as she pushed the door open. 

“Kiara and I are in love,” Liam said, his voice dazed. “My father would never agree to our marriage, so we’re going to elope.”

Liam was hastily throwing clothes and items from his dresser into a bag.

“Liam?” Selene called softly, causing them both to turn to look at her. 

“Selene, I’m getting married today,” Liam said. 

The smile he gave her was unnatural, and Selene could see no real joy behind it. 

“Liam, you can’t do that,” she said in a soothing tone, trying not to agitate him. 

She moved forward and grabbed the bag out of his hands. Liam seemed to startle at her touch, and he looked at her intently for a moment. The moment was over as soon as it began though, and he grabbed the bag from her again. 

“Liam, you can’t do this. Kiara has you under a spell,” she said, more insistently. 

“That’s ridiculous!” Liam exclaimed, looking around the room confused.

“No, it isn’t. You’re not yourself, Liam,” Drake said, approaching the two of them as well. 

“People will always try to keep us apart, Liam. That’s why we must leave now,” Kiara’s voice came from behind them.

Selene and Drake both tensed anxiously as the woman and her father entered the room.

“Liam, they’re controlling you,” Selene said, her voice determined as she moved towards him. 

She reached her hand out to touch him, hoping that it would do something to distract him from the spell the way it had briefly done earlier, but Hakim’s hard voice stopped her. 

“That’s enough,” he said threateningly, causing her to turn back to him nervously.

Hakim’s eyes were growing bright red as he glared at her, and she heard Drake curse softly to himself once he noticed it as well.

“Liam, look at them. They’re not human!” she called desperately again.

Selene gasped in horror when Liam looked up at her, his own eyes glowing bright red.

“We’ve wasted enough time,” Hakim said, looking over to his daughter.

The two of them shared a knowing look, and before Selene could move to stop them, they raised their staffs in unison, a bright blue beam coming out of the crystals and hitting both Drake and Selene in the chest. The force of the blue beams threw them back against the wall behind them, their bodies colliding roughly with the stone. Selene barely registered the pain in her back as she began to lose consciousness, the world fading to black around her. 

“Selene. Selene!” a loud voice said insistently in her ear.

Selene jolted awake. Her entire body was sore, and there was a loud ringing in her ears. She looked around the room confused. Her vision was slightly blurred, and it took a minute for her to notice Madeleine’s annoyed face in front of her.

“What the hell happened here? I thought you were going to keep Liam safe? I saw him leaving the castle with Hakim and Kiara,” she said, her voice betraying her irritation. 

“I am. I’ll fix this,” she said, trying to stand up only to realize that her balance was off.

Her legs were still unstable, and as she stood up her head started spinning. Madeleine gave her a disbelieving look. 

“You don’t look like you can do anything. I’ll go after them myself if I have to,” she said stubbornly.

“No!” Selene yelled, cringing at how loud her own voice was. “No, Drake and I will take care of it. If anything were to happen to you and Liam both, Constantine would kill me.”

“Drake is still unconscious,” the other woman pointed out, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“Please just trust me,” Selene said, wobbling over to Drake and dropping to her knees beside him. “Go find Bastien and stay with him until I get back.”

Madeleine looked at her hesitantly before nodding and exiting the room. Selene turned back to Drake and began shaking his shoulder forcefully. However, this did nothing to rouse him from his sleep. She looked around the room frantically and reached over to the pitcher of water on Liam’s dining table. She dumped the contents on top of his head, and he stirred slightly. 

“What happened?” he asked. “Why am I wet?”

“Come on!” she called, ignoring his questions and pulling him to his feet unsteadily. “We have to go after Liam.”

The two began running through the path in the woods toward the lake they had followed Hakim to the previous night, Drake easily taking the lead since his legs were much longer than hers. She did her best to keep up. She had no idea how long the two of them had been unconscious and prayed to whoever was listening that Liam was still alive and well. Hakim’s strong, deep voice was chanting loudly as they got closer and closer to the lake, and they arrived just in time to see Kiara pull Liam into a quick kiss. The action itself seemed to take his life away, and he fell back into the water, completely unconscious. Kiara moved deeper into the water and began chanting along with her father as Liam disappeared from sight. 

“What do we do?” Drake asked her frantically. 

Selene looked around, trying to figure out the best way to approach the situation when she saw Kiara’s staff abandoned at her father’s feet. The young witch held her hand out and muttered an incantation causing the item to come flying into her had. Hakim turned to face them abruptly once he noticed her actions, but before he could move to harm them, Selene pointed the staff in his direction and loudly recited a spell she knew would work. The same blue light that had hit her in the chest earlier that day exploded out of the top of the crystal and went hurtling towards Hakim. The man was destroyed as soon as the beam of light hit him. Selene faintly recognized Kiara’s pained voice calling out to her father, before she turned the staff on the woman as well, repeating the spell once again. 

Selene’s heart was beating rapidly in her chest as she dropped the magical relic and ran towards the lake where Liam was lying somewhere under the water. She wasn’t the best swimmer, but she dived in nevertheless, desperate to find his body. After searching for a moment, she resurfaced and took a gasping breath of air before ducking back under. She reemerged a few moments later, gripping tightly onto Liam’s arm as she attempted to drag his body back onto the river bank. Drake was looking at her in shock as she dropped down beside Liam, pressing her fingers to his neck to check his pulse.

“He’s still alive,” she let out a relieved breath and dropped her head down to his chest as she tried to regain some of her energy.

As she lay there with her head on Liam’s chest, she felt a slight stinging behind her eyes as the reality of what she had just done finally caught up with her. She could hear Kiara’s pained voice calling out to her father clear in her mind and forced back her tears as she stood up and turned to Drake. 

“Can you help me get him back up to the castle?” she asked, refusing to make eye contact with him. 

He nodded slowly and grabbed onto one of Liam’s arms and they both began carrying up back up to the castle. Once they were back in his chambers, Selene stripped him of his wet clothes and changed him into dry ones before covering him with his blankets. 

“We can’t tell him what really happened?” she said, standing in front of the fireplace of his chambers to dry her own clothes as well.

“Why?” Drake asked in confusion. 

“Because if he knows they were magical creatures it’ll raise too many questions of how we got rid of Hakim and Kiara,” she responded, debating on whether or not she should tell him the truth about Madeleine’s dream as well but decided against it. 

He nodded in response looking closely at her face while she did her best to avoid eye contact, her chest hurting when she thought of the lives she had just taken. 

“I’ll stay with him if you want to get changed,” he said sympathetically. 

Selene smiled at him in thanks before leaving the room to get back to her chambers. Upon entering, she was unfortunately reminded of the fact that she had told Madeleine to go stay with Bastien, and was greeted by the two of them looking at her expectantly. She had originally only told her to go to him because she figured it was an easy way of getting rid of her, and she knew that Bastien was good at keeping people calm. However, she had forgotten that now she needed to come up with some kind of explanation about what happened.

“Is Liam okay? Did Kiara hurt him?” Madeleine immediately asked, rounding on her. 

“Liam’s fine,” she said, feeling Bastien’s warning gaze on her. “Kiara never wanted to kill him.” 

“Then what happened?” Madeleine demanded. 

“Apparently Liam was smitten, and she convinced him to elope with her. I guess she thought it was an easy way to gain a title. But, Drake and I stopped them in time,” she said. 

Madeleine narrowed her eyes at her suspiciously, and Selene tried to smile at her convincingly. 

“So, she didn’t try to drown him?”

“No.”

“Then why are you so wet?” Madeleine asked, her eyes raking over the other woman’s figure. 

“Um, well, they decided to get married in front of a lake, but a fight broke out when Drake tried to talk Liam out of it, and in the process I fell back into the water,” she offered pathetically. “Liam and Drake really got into it, and Liam ended up getting hit in the head pretty hard too so he’s in his chambers lying down.”

Madeleine was still looking at her curiously, but she seemed to accept the story anyway. She straightened her spine and made for the door. 

“Well, I’m glad everyone’s okay,” she said. 

She was about to walk out the door when she turned back to Selene. She looked as if she were giving her next words great thought before finally speaking again. 

“Even though I wasn’t right, I appreciate you taking my concerns seriously,” she said uncomfortably. “Thank you.” 

With that, the king’s ward left the room, and Selene let out a relieved breath. 

“You’re going to need to become a better liar if you plan on using magic,” Bastien said with an amused smile. 

“Give me a break. It’s been a long day,” she said tiredly, dropping down onto a chair at the table.  

She rested her head down on the wood and stared absentmindedly at the wall, shivering as the cold air hit her still damp skin. 

“Are you okay?” Bastien asked, coming up behind her and wrapping a blanket around her shoulders. 

Selene looked up at him as he sat down in a chair next to her and wiped away a stray tear. Chance rested his head on her feet, whining softly until she reached down to scratch behind his ears.

“No, but I think I will be,” she said, softly.

“You did a good thing today, Selene. You saved Liam’s life, again,” he said in attempts to make her feel better. 

Selene plastered a forced smile onto her face and leaned back in her chair, throwing her feet up into his lap. 

“It’s tiring always having to be the hero,” she said jokingly, causing him to laugh heartily. 

“Okay, hero, go change into dry clothes, and we can have lunch,” Bastien said, pushing her feet off his lap and motioning towards her bedroom. 

Selene shoved his shoulder playfully as she walked by, a real smile on her face. She remembered all of the things Bastien had said to her the night before as she expressed her fears about hurting others and smiled. Bastien truly was good at helping calm people down. She wasn’t sure where she would be without him. 

~~~

Lucretia was more disappointed than she was angry. The Prince had survived, and she was once again faced with the struggle of figuring out how to get rid of him, of figuring out how to get rid of Constantine’s entire bloodline. But, there was one thing she knew for sure now. If she wanted to get rid of Liam, she would need to get rid of Selene first.

[wanna-b-poet31]

Gabriel’s Gaslighting

One of the most concerning things (to me at least) about Gabriel is how sickeningly effective his abuse is. The most prevalent, and insidious tool in his abusive toolbox is gaslighting. 

So that everyone’s on the same page, the National Domestic Violence Hotline says gaslighting:

“may seem like just a harmless misunderstanding at first. Over time, however, these abusive behaviors continue, and a victim can become confused, anxious, isolated and depressed while losing all sense of what is actually happening. Then, the victim may start relying on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape”

In VERRRRRY broad terms, it means that the abuser is trying to reshape the perception of their victim’s reality. This can be done a variety of ways: 

Trivializing: Making a victim’s feelings feel insignificant 

Withholding: Pretending not to understand why a victim is worried/concerned and refusing to listen for a better understanding. 

Countering: Purposefully questioning the victim’s memory when they know the victim is telling the truth/correctly recalling events

Blocking/Diverting: Changing topics to make the victim question their experiences/feelings/thoughts

Forgetting/Denial: or pretending to have forgotten what actually occurred or denying things, like promises or appointment they made to the victim 

And, the main way Gabriel wields his verbal weapon is through trivializing Aziraphale’s worries/needs/feelings so that they seem unimportant. Through gaslighting, Gabriel can control his perception of reality and consequently control his actions. And let me tell you there is a fuckton of overt and covert gaslighting happening throughout the show. 

Gaslighting Aziraphale’s Love of Food

Aziraphale is, at heart, a lover of food. He finds genuine joy and pleasure from eating, and in many ways, it’s an intimate part of who Aziraphale IS. Crowley takes note of this, and on more than one occasion has gone out of his way to get food, even if we (the audience) have no evidence that he ate food himself.  Although, Book!Crowley explicitly eats with Aziraphale, purposefully ordering desserts to share.  It’s tender, sweet, and clearly shows the mutual respect the two shares. 

We can see in Aziraphale’s second scene just how much Aziraphale loves food.

Look at the calm smile, look at the relaxed features. This is an entity who unabashedly happy about his sushi. 

But, we see a sudden emotional shift when a Wild Gabriel appears! Notice how the smile is long gone, and his glance at the food is hesitant.  

Gabriel then asks: “Why do you consume that? You’re an angel” with palatable judgment. Harmless right?

Although the question could be seen as simple “interest”, Aziraphale instantly starts making excuses, hiding an integral part of who he is from someone who is supposed to support him and love him unconditionally. More, Gabriel later insists that eating is “sullying the temple of [one’s] body” and is purposefully condemning Aziraphale’s actions.  

By bringing attention to the “you’re an angel” Gabriel is drawing a line in the sand, defining what it means to be an Angel, and creating a world where Angels, at least good angels, don’t eat, lest they “desecrate” their holiness.  You can see Aziraphale’s face IMMEDIATELY fall. 

We, the audience, can see this is untrue. There’s no reason to believe food is harmful to supernatural entities, and more importantly, it brings so much unbridled JOY to Aziraphale. So why point it out? Why deliberately trivialize our favorite Angel’s feelings like that?

Control. 

All traces of joy from the first GIF are gone. Instead, he responds in genuine confusion, and he looks like Gabriel thinks him crazy.  He is pleading with his eyes as if to ask Gabriel not to hurt him for indulging in his loves. 

By pointing out Aziraphale’s choice to eat, >not to mention enjoying eating< Gabriel’s putting the power in his own hands. He is twisting Aziraphal’s perception of reality so that he is the ultimate authority on what the principality should/not do. 

This does not mean Aziraphale stops eating (we see him dining at the Ritz with Crowley hardly a day later), but it means that he’s made to feel guilty for his passions, making excuses to avoid further belittlement.  He notably hides his love of food from all other celestial beings (besides Crowley). 

Speaking of, contrast Crowley’s treatment of Aziraphale’s love of food with Gabriel’s. He actively invites Aziraphale to get lunch, even if he is not particularly passionate about it, because of Aziraphale’s love of food, not despite it.  

Gaslighting Aziraphale’s Books

In my meta on Crowley and the Bookshop, I talk about how Crowley is the only character in the whole damn series to care about any of Aziraphale’s interests. However, the scene alluded to in the gif above shows us that, in 6000 years, Gabriel has either never seen a book before in his life -- which is unlikely given the reports they have to send and the fact that (in a deleted scene) he’s visited the bookshop previously -- or he doesn’t care enough to learn about what Aziraphale is doing.  

>Like he actually manhandles Aziraphale’s books. That’s got to be as violating as being intimidating and pinned to the wall of his bookshop<

Like, I know the scene is meant to be comedic, Sandalphon helpfully providing “pornography” as the kind of scandalous reading material that would allow them privacy, and Gabriel just kind of rolls with it as Aziraphale looks (rightly) confused and put out. It is exactly because of Aziraphale’s discomfort that this scene troubles me. 

Look at the gif below, sure, he’s “smiling” but look at how it doesn’t reach his eyes in the same way sushi does. He has some uneven breathing and a tense posture that SCREAMSSS anxiety. More, if you go back to watch the scene, the concerning way the smile immediately falls the second Gabriel’s attention is off of him.

Although Aziraphale’s reaction is certainly due in part to the surprise appearance of Gabriel, Aziraphale’s face betrays clear discomfort that extends beyond his fears about his feelings for Crowley being exposed.

Gabriel's implicit dismissal and mistreatment of his books reinforce the idea that in this world, Angels don’t think books matter. But by extension, then neither does Aziraphale.

This distortion of reality is one solely of Gabriel (and perhaps Heaven)’s own creation.  Dismissing the book’s value is particularly harmful because the bookshop is such a large part of Aziraphale’s life. It is perhaps one of his most beloved possessions which he independently spent a prolonged amount of time (at least 200 years) protecting and curating his book collection. 

Crowley picks up on the sheer intensity with which Aziraphale loves his books and has an emotional and physical breakdown, presuming the only way for Aziraphale’s books to be on fire, the Angel must be dead. 

 Gabriel doesn’t care. 

The consequence is not a diminished love of the bookshop, but rather, a fear of expressing interest around the people he’s “supposed” to care about and are supposed to care about him. He starts lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists. This interaction shows that Gabriel’s presence makes Aziraphale a less confident, less relaxed entity. 

Gaslighting the War

Okay, so Aziraphale lies ALOT, but we know for a fact that he’s told Gabriel his intentions to try stopping the war. 

The archangel knows the general gist of Aziraphale’s plan to “prevent” the war. Aziraphale has made his intentions excruciatingly clear. However, besides blatantly lying to him about Heaven’s position on saving the world, he trivializes the very real concerns Aziraphale poses. It’s not just that he thinks Aziraphale can’t stop the war, it’s that Gabriel deliberately misleads him, allowing him to believe that if Aziraphale successfully climbed his mountain, he would be accepted by Heaven. (He’s not)

Then, in the above GIF, he dismisses Aziraphale’s transparent, clear plea for help.

CONTEXT: This is how Episode 4 opens. Aziraphale has found the Anti-Christ, met and rejected Crowley’s offer to fly off to Alpha Centauri at the Bandstand, told the love of his life his best friend that he doesn’t even like him and is in full out freak mode. Then, apropos of nothing “runs” into Gabriel and is in dire need of support to stop the end of the world. He NEEDS a lifeline, now that he thinks Crowley is fleeing Earth, never to see him again.

He firmly asserts that humanity is worth saving and that they COULD do it, (they’re Heavenly after all), but Gabriel does not give a single flying fuck about Aziraphale's feelings. 

Instead of answering Aziraphale’s prayers, Gabriel reinforces his own interests (see: the never-ending war) and changes the conversation to focus Aziraphale’s “gut”. The glance in the below GIF is unnervingly condescending.

Look at how “disappointed” Gabriel appears glancing up to meet Aziraphale’s eyes before pointedly looking to Aziraphale’s belly. It is if, with his eyes, Gabriel is insinuating Aziraphale’s appearance is a personal failing and a somehow more important problem than stopping the end of the world. 

The pivot from Aziraphale plea “we need to stop the end of the world” to “you’ need to lose the gut” is classic “Diverting” from the situation. It deflects from his own manipulative behavior and leaves Aziraphale to constantly second-guess himself. It puts the power squarely in Gabriel’s hands because the topic is no longer rooted in Aziraphale’s valid concerns or feelings. 

Gabriel leaves the scene, with a more distraught (which, really how was that even possible) Aziraphale than the one he ran into. And, we hear Azirgaphale say he’s soft, in a hopeless, joyless voice that’s full of self-doubt.  It’s a heartbreaking moment because of how powerless Gabriel (and Heaven for that matter) has made him feel, and how lost without Crowley as his lifeline he is. 

However, Gabriel’s gaslighting comes to a head once Aziraphale is pushed passed his breaking point. 

Aziraphale Want(s) To Break Free 

After the altercation in the park, Aziraphale: 

is “dumped” (again),  

is attacked by angels, (presumably sent by Gabriel?)

is discorporated,

is verbally yelled, berated, and belittled for being a “bad angel”

realizes anything demons can do, he can do better

possesses 1-3 people

reunites with Crowley

“helps” save the world

Needless to say, he’s been through some shit. 

However, he doesn’t encounter Gabriel until after the armageddon has been thoroughly avoided (read: his concerns have been validated, he’s taken steps to address his issues, and he’s reformed relationships with people his abuser pushed him to second-guess). 

When Gabriel reappears, he has every reason to believe that his gaslighting will work to “control” Aziraphale. Because, while he may now be aware of Aziraphale’s friendship with Crowley, abusers will do anything to get the desired power dynamic (with them controlling all of it, and the victim none), and why abandon his most effective tool? 

Just one thing though. 

Crowley.

Crowley absolutely does not gaslight Aziraphale. Instead, he seeks to understand and validate his Angel’s concerns. Sure, occasionally they’ll fight, or push each other’s buttons, but Crowley never tries to manipulate of control Aziraphale. He remembers and encourages Aziraphale’s passions, actively seeks to participate in joint interests, and the sole act of saving Aziraphale’s books because he knows just how damn important those books are to his angel. 

He’ll even go as far as to prioritize Aziraphale’s needs/comfort above his own.  Is Aziraphale chained in a prison during the Reign of Terror? Sure, let’s just appear to rescue him. Aziraphale is getting double-crossed by Nazi bastards? Let’s just put ourselves in danger and walk on the consecrated ground and be to rescue him and his books. 

It would be a bit of an understatement to say that Crowley cares about Aziraphale and wants to promote his wellbeing. 

 At the Airfield, Gabriel has never interacted with Aziraphale with Crowley around (deleted scenes notwithstanding) and able to support him. The simple act of having a support system there definitely boosts Aziraphale’s confidence and gives him the strength to make an actual choice. 

Intervene. 

He chooses to walk up to Beelzebub and Gabriel and ask, if they are sure of their reality, because, now Aziraphale sure as hell does. He knows where he stands and who he stands with.  He is no longer under Gabriel’s control. 

Never before has Aziraphale had a single honest choice. Sure, he made the choice to enter the “arrangement” with Crowley, to raise the (wrong) anti-christ, to lie to God. But these choices are rooted in self-preservation and self-defense.  Also, he’s not transparent about these choices to Gabriel. 

Once Armageddon is averted, and Aziraphale’s chosen to side with Crowley, to jump out of Heaven if need be for humanity, there is very little holding Aziraphale back. And, Aziraphale is finally being lifted up. 

Gabriel tries to intimidate Aziraphale into submission, to tell him the questions he’s asking are insignificant, and that his opinion doesn’t matter. But, Aziraphale no longer is blind to the gaslighting, and pushes on. Crowley, in turn, backs him up and they support each other (and Adam) as they defy their respective abusers.

Once Gabriel’s control over him is broken, and his support system (Crowley) is reinstated, he can finally, openly and unabashedly love his passions.

I mean, just look at this happy face! He never smiles so honestly around Gabriel (or Heaven).

TLDR: Fuck Off Gabriel

Thanks for coming to my Tedtalk

SOURCES: 

Many of Gabriel’s actions seem to leave Aziraphale feeling worthless, and powerless in their dynamic.  If a person in your life makes you:

constantly second-guess yourself.

ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.

often feel confused and even crazy.

always apologizing to your partner.

can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.

frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.

find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.

know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.

start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.

have trouble making simple decisions.

have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.

feel hopeless and joyless.

feel as though you can’t do anything right.

wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline has some valuable resources for you to get any help you need.

[echodrops]

Kicking the Hornet’s Nest...

I’m procrastinating hard on other tasks, but in chit-chatting (both on tumblr and on Discord) about my stance on criticism of fanfiction, I realized that there’s a very low-hanging analogy I can make to explain my thoughts on this, so…

Uh first, please remember this is my personal blog and just my personal opinion. If you think that giving unsolicited concrit is the worst, I promise I’m not here to grab you individually, shake you by the shoulders, and try to change your minds. We can agree to disagree; I’m fully aware my opinion is unpopular on tumblr but also fully aware of the irony of people giving unsolicited criticism on a post about why unsolicited criticism is a good thing.

And second, please note that the analogy used below is only an analogy and not meant to be a one-to-one comparison–obviously the issue of vaccination is a far more critical, serious, and solemn issue and the topic of criticism on fanfiction (of all things) is not equal to a global health crisis that has cost real people’s lives. I’m drawing radical comparisons to thought processes because it’s shocking, not genuinely comparing fanfiction comments to moral and ethical world health decisions because I think those two things are equitable in importance.

Uh and third, please don’t respond unless you’re going to read it all. I'm happy to take your constructive criticism after you're finished with the whole thing. I get so tired of people rushing to my inbox after only getting half way through my arguments–90% of the time, I already addressed the thing you wanted to come yell at me about and you just didn’t make it there, promise.

So, at the risk of pissing off just about everyone who thought they respected me before this:

The current anti-concrit mindset stems from a similar logic to the one used by anti-vaxxers.

(This analogy lasts a grand total of five paragraphs or something, don’t get your jimmies too rustled.)

Most people on tumblr are happy–downright gleeful–to mock anti-vaxxers. The average anti-vaxxer is considered close-minded, self-centered, and under-educated. Although the issue of anti-vaxxing is probably more complicated than we paint it here on this website (to be fair, I wouldn’t know if it’s more complicated, since I agree that anti-vaxxers are generally stupid and don’t look into their arguments very often), almost no one on tumblr has any issue with anti-vaxxers being dragged up and down the block for their bad choices.

Usually, the logic of anti-vaxxers is understood to work something like this:

Anti-vaxxer: I don’t want to expose my child to something potentially harmful, so I am not going to vaccinate them.

Literally everyone else: You’re exposing your child to far greater risk in the long-term by not vaccinating.

Or:

Anti-vaxxer: My child doesn’t need to be vaccinated; they’re fine as they are. Those diseases aren’t a big deal anymore.

Literally everyone else: This mindset will make those diseases a big deal again.

On paper, sometimes anti-vaxxer logic works out–it is true that some children suffer very painful and awful reactions to vaccinations. It IS true that poorly made or contaminated vaccinations have killed children and will continue to do in the future. It IS true that vaccinations are painful and stressful for children in general and can even–depending on how the children respond to pain and how their doctors/nurses treat them–result in long-term phobias and health care aversion. There can be serious lasting consequences from vaccinating.

But most of us laugh in the face of anti-vaxxers. Why? Because we know that in comparison to the number of benefits, the risks are minimal. In the long-term, the number of people helped by vaccines far, far exceeds the number of people hurt.

I hope you can see where I’m going. At its core, the issue of giving unsolicited constructive criticism follows a similar pattern of short-term risk aversion. Authors who don’t want constructive criticism and choose to actively refuse it are following a similar thought process to anti-vaxxer parents:

Author: I don’t want any constructive criticism. Criticism can be painful, and my writing doesn’t need to be exposed to that.

Or:

Author: I don’t need any constructive criticism because my writing is fine as it is and I’m just doing it for fun anyway.

The general attitude seems to be that exposing fanfiction authors to unsolicited constructive criticism carries more risk than it does reward. And please be aware that I’m talking about genuinely constructive criticism here, well-intentioned and polite comments (the vaccine in this analogy), not troll comments deliberately designed to hurt people’s feelings (which would be equivalent to say, an injected contaminated drug in this analogy–no one should be okay with those).

But like anti-vaxxers who insist that the short-term risks of vaccines are more dangerous than the long-term risks of major diseases… is there really any evidence that genuinely constructive criticism, even when unsolicited, really does discourage and upset a large number of fanfiction authors? Or, more to the point of the analogy–is the number of people who would be entirely discouraged from writing ever again by some constructive criticism really greater than the number of people who would benefit from getting some (again, polite) tips for improving their writing? Which is the greater risk–being hurt in the short-term or losing out on the opportunity for growth in the long-term?

Clearly there are different opinions on this and I suspect that my opinion is heavily colored by the fact that I am older than the average tumblr user and therefore have many more years to look back on to weigh on the scales of this debate.

But I will always, always argue that the long-term benefits of helping other writers where you can far, far, far outweigh the short-term risks, for a couple reasons.

1) The world is a shitty, disappointing, stressful, and painful place. We encounter harsh criticisms every single day. Your teachers will give you poor grades. Your bosses will tell you your work isn’t up-to-par. Your friends will tell you the new top you bought and absolutely love… actually makes you look like you’re wearing a potato sack. If you’re into relationships, you’ll probably experience at least one break-up in which you hear that it’s YOU, not them, who is the problem. Your feelings will be hurt by callous comments from others an uncountable number of times. Your confidence will be shaken, if not actively crushed. I’m sorry to say it, but for almost all of us, having some miserable, anxiety-inducing and extremely discouraging moments in life is part of the unavoidable human experience. (And this is doubly, maybe triply true when we are starting out new hobbies or first entering a new field. Anyone who has ever tried to learn how to skateboard and gotten laughed at by experienced skateboarders knows exactly what I’m talking about.)

The world is full of truly awful things. And I’m not the kind of person who thinks we should just be exposed to all of them right from the get-go and fuck you and your snowflake feelings or things like that. I highly urge people to tag for triggering content and am on the record again and again telling people to block characters or ships that make them uncomfortable.

But many fanfiction authors are young authors, some of whom are posting work for public consumption for the very first time. Still more have no positive experiences with constructive criticism in the first place, and the extent of their literary criticism knowledge comes from really awful and boring high school English classes. When budding writers encounter a sudden explosion of access to readers–from having maybe one or two friends read their work to suddenly having their words in front of the eyes of thousands of strangers on the internet:

It’s disingenuous to give starting writers nothing but positive feedback. Only hearing positives about your work actively discourages change and self-reflection. It gives writers an unrealistic picture of their work that can result in far more serious disappointment and embarrassment later. When someone is awful at singing and they’re only told how nice their voice is, eventually when they sing for a more serious group of strangers, they’re going to be in for a very, very miserable time.

It’s a terrible missed opportunity for young writers to get a glimpse of what “professional” writing is like. Everyone benefits from genuinely constructive criticism–both the person getting it and the person giving it. We create young writers who are passionate about improving their writing by inducting them into the culture of planning, drafting, bouncing ideas off each other, finding beta readers, and taking others’ advice to grow their abilities, and oftentimes, one of the first experiences a person has with that process is someone spontaneously going “Hey, what if you tried this instead?” People often become inspired to become doctors and nurses after witnessing a family member experience a medical crisis–people often become inspired to become writers after receiving thorough feedback on things they have written. It’s impossible to really know whether or not you want a piece of constructive criticism until after you have heard what the criticism is, and adopting a “no unsolicited constructive criticism” policy as a whole creates an entire generation of fan writers who would miss out on opportunities for growth and inspiration.

This is waxing REALLY philosophical, but bear with me here, because this is also a well-documented concern of mine: we are entering an age in which people are no longer responsible for the media choices they make, where the internet is no longer viewed as a the equivalent of yelling into a crowd of (potentially dangerous) strangers, and the onus for protection is shifting away from self-preservation “I need to not put myself near upsetting things” to “other people have the responsibility not to expose me to upsetting things.” I’ve seen a lot of people say “If authors want constructive criticism on their fics, they can just say that in a note!” My ladies. My guys. My non-binary buddies. This is the utter opposite of how the internet functions. When you put anything on the internet, you are literally putting it before a crowd of an absolutely uncountable number of strangers and there are no rules (barring the laws of their home countries) dictating how they can respond to the things you put out there. Posting your writing on the internet is explicit consent to receive constructive criticism from anyone at any time unless you take actions to prevent that in advance. Sites like AO3 actively grant you the power to dictate who can SEE your work, comment on your work, give you the power to remove messages, screen comments before they appear, block comments entirely, or simply write in any of your notes sections that you do not want constructive criticism. (If it’s that easy to write “I want constructive criticism!” why is not seen as equally easy to write “I do not want constructive criticism!”?)

Public spaces on the internet are opt out, not opt in.

Why do many (though lord knows, not all) tumblr users easily agree to the idea of “If you don’t like a ship, you should just block it” or “If you see properly tagged content you don’t like on AO3 and you click it, that’s your own fault for not reading the tags,” but have the complete opposite mindset when it comes to constructive criticism? “I’m submitting my work in a public place where anyone can express their opinion on it… But even though there are multiple tools at my disposal for discouraging and blocking opinions I don’t agree with, it’s actually other people’s responsibility not to say anything that might upset me.”

As I said, waxing philosophical here, but this is kind of a scary mindset. The ability to enter a public space–and the internet is the MOST public space in the world–and then declare that you simply don’t want to listen to dissenting opinions is scary. I mean, this is how we get a common anti-vaxxer mindset–I don’t want to listen to your opinion because I have my source telling me I’m right and that’s all I need. “I put my work out in a public place and left it accessible to everyone, but I don’t want to listen to what everyone says about it.” I don’t mean to jump off the slippery slope, but this issue is a slippery slope in and of itself. Down this way lies a dark future. “It’s other people’s responsibility to curate my social experience for me.”

But really, after all this… I just flat out think it’s important to give genuinely constructive criticism to each other without people needing to ask for it because it just kind of sucks to see a fellow writer struggling with something and not say something about it. It’s not about feeling superior or thinking you know better than someone else; we all have our own strengths and weaknesses, and spotting something that could use a bit of work in someone else’s writing doesn’t make you a better writer, it just means that’s not your particular weakness. When someone is struggling to learn to swim, you don’t just leave them to their own devices and assume they’ll figure it out–even if they swear they’ve got it. When someone is learning to sew and you, who has sewed that exact thing before, don’t offer any advice, that’s not encouragement, it’s apathy. There will be many, many, many times in your life where you did not know you needed advice. Where you did not know HOW to ask for advice. Where you might have known you needed advice but not really wanted to admit that. Where you might have known you needed advice and been too shy to ask for help. Where a piece of advice completely from the blue changes the course of your life. Fandom as a whole–fan creators as a whole–cannot become a culture that closes the door to that vital form of communication, rejects willingness to not only uplift but also help each other grow even when we least expect it.

Anyway, I’m literally just writing this to avoid real responsibilities, but the point I’m trying to make is:

Most writers, even very young writers, will not be discouraged by polite, well-intentioned criticism. They may not like it. They may not take any of the criticism to heart, but most people, even young people, are far more resilient than tumblr (which on the best of days is a negative feedback loop that can romanticize a victim mindset because having the saddest backstory makes you immune to cancellation) wants to give them credit for, and a vast majority of writers will not be traumatized or scared away from writing by people trying to offer them genuine advice. Remember, no one here is advocating for asshole trolls who post comments like “Your writing sucks and you should delete your account.” A majority of writers, even very young writers, will be able to weather the storms and tosses of even really rudely-worded advice and recover. Sometimes it might take a while, but human beings have survived as a species because we’re really, really persevering.

(But some people aren’t! you might say. Some people really will give up writing if they’re criticized! And you’d be correct. There are people who will give up, even if all they are faced with is a single gentle, well-intentioned piece of criticism. But the truth is… People give up on hobbies for all kinds of reasons! Not every hobby is for every person! Every hobby carries with it its own challenges, its own share of risks, and its own pains. Learning a new hobby consistently requires putting yourself out of your comfort zone. Wanna learn how to ride a snowboard? You will get bruised. Wanna learn how to play chess? You will lose. Wanna learn to draw? Someone will make fun of your early drawings. You will make fun of your own early drawings. Wanna post your writing on a public platform? Someday, someone is going to say they’re not a fan.

And that leads me to address the point that just keeps coming up and coming up in this issue: People aren’t always posting their fics to improve as writers! A lot of times people are posting for just fun or for personal reasons.

Yeahhhhh bullshit. No, no, hang on–I don’t mean that people don’t have fun writing and posting fics, or that fics can’t help you through traumatic experiences because everything I’ve ever posted is basically me dealing with my own personal shit–what I mean is that there’s always an additional dimension to posting your fics on large-scale public websites. People write stories and share them with their friend groups for fun. People write characters overcoming trauma and share them with their therapists (or the friends who help to fill that role) for healing. People post their stories publicly, where anyone can respond, for validation on top of their fun and healing. There are ways to hide your fics entirely on many sites. You can leave things in drafts. If a fic is appearing as unmoderated and open to the public on a major fic site such as AO3, Wattpad, ff.net, etc., it’s because that fic’s author wants responses from others! They want views. They want subscribes. They want kudos. They want comments. There’s literally no reason to post publicly except for your work to be viewed by the public.

The fun one has writing a fic is often tied directly to the thrill of seeing a comment or kudos notification pop-up in your inbox. We love seeing people enjoy our fics–it absolutely makes my day when someone sends me a message telling me they re-read my fic for the third time.

It’s NOT fun to write something and get no response.

Writing something and getting no response is actively discouraging, actually.

So whenever someone says “They’re not writing fics to improve as writers; they’re just doing it for fun!” I have to laugh a bit–because when the concept of “fun with fanfiction” is tied so closely to the experience of having your work viewed and enjoyed by others, the fastest and surest way to increase the fun you have with your fanfics… is to improve as a writer. The more you write, the more you improve. The more you improve, the more loyal readers you gain. The more loyal readers you gain, the more excited people you have to gush about your fics with. Want a Discord server full of people willing to help you brainstorm ideas for your favorite AU? Write well, attract followers. Want fanart of your writing, probably the most fun and exciting thing I can think of as an author? Write well. Just plain old want more friends in the fandom to talk about your favorite characters and fic ideas with? Make writer friends.

People have fun writing about their favorite characters and post publicly to receive responses and validation for their creations… Responses increase the fun writers have because they make the hard work of writing worth it and give you people to keep writing for and with… Improving your writing increases the number of people attracted to your works and the number of people willing to spend time responding to them… The bigger the response you get, the more invested you become in your fics, the more fandom friends you make, and the more you want to write–it’s a process that is self-fulfilling, but also one that exposes you to criticism by its very nature. The very act of seeking responses from readers means that you’re open to responses that you don’t necessarily want to hear.

And I actually don’t mean this in the way of “If you can’t handle the heat, don’t jump into the fire.” What I mean is that it is impossible to create a world in which everyone who starts writing sticks with the hobby and keeps churning out works for us to enjoy forever. It is impossible to create a world in which no young writer will ever feel discouraged and give up. The writer you decided not to give constructive criticism to might just as easily become discouraged and quit writing because they didn’t receive enough response.

The first time you give your child a new vaccine, you cannot predict the results. Your child might suffer an allergic reaction. They might die. Every year, numerous severe reactions to vaccines do occur. But the majority of people don’t question the effectiveness of vaccines because we understand that the number of people who have severe reactions is very low in comparison to the number of people who benefit from the vaccine. The number of people who will be discouraged from writing by genuine, polite, constructive criticism is minuscule in comparison to the number of people who will either 1) benefit from it directly and be thankful you gave it, 2) not benefit but not be upset by it, 3) be mildly upset by it but then benefit, or 4) just be mildly upset by itself and then move on with life unharmed because sometimes people say things we don’t like but that doesn’t ruin our lives every single time it happens.

I’m not saying that providing polite constructive criticism doesn’t have risks, just that its risks are smaller than its benefits.

And I’ve successfully whittled enough time away with this now that I can go to sleep without guilt over the things I didn’t finish, but I started this by saying the long-term benefits outweighed the short-term risks and I feel obligated to defend that…

The long-term benefits of well-placed constructive criticism are enormous. Sometimes people need ego checks. Sometimes we need wake-up calls. Sometimes we need a gentle helping hand and didn’t even realize other people could be the help we needed. Sometimes we need a reason to get fired up–even if that reason is spite, trying to prove a critic wrong! Sometimes the answer is glaring us in the face and we don’t notice until someone else points it out. Sometimes we just plain out make mistakes. Sometimes we need a teacher because the ones in school let us down. Sometimes (oftentimes) other people bring incredibly unique perspectives to our stories that we would never have been open to on our own. Sometimes we write something unintentionally hurtful and need some gentle correction. Sometimes we could be having a lot more fun if we knew the tips and tricks others had to offer. Sometimes improving ourselves is hard but worth it. Sometimes bitter medicine is the only thing that will cure an ailment.

Shots hurt. People avoid them because they aren’t fun–what parent wants to expose their child to the painful, stressful situation of getting stabbed with needles? (What parent looks forward to the yearly flu shot themselves?)

We naturally flinch back from criticism. There are many times when we swear we don’t want it, don’t need it, can’t bear it! In the moment, it is incredibly difficult to be confronted with someone basically implying that you should change something integral to yourself–your art. No one likes to feel like they’re being picked apart for weaknesses, definitely not.

But sometimes a single comment can make a massive difference in your life–even when you didn’t want it at first.

All my life, I have been helped along by teachers, family, and friends who refused to settle for patting me on the back. The people who mean the most to me, who I most credit with getting me where I am today, are not the people who just told me I was good at things. They’re the people who told me I was good at things BUT. They people who challenged me to not just sail through life or even coast in my hobbies, content with the level I entered on–they’re the people who had faith in me and trust that I could refine my skills, could have even more fun IF I took that next step, challenged myself to go a bit harder… They’re the people who took the time not just to skim over my writing and slap a thumbs up on it, but the people who thought hard enough about it go: “This story was good, but have you thought about…”

Today, I’m a professor of English because I started writing fanfiction when I was 11 years old. Because I started posting fanfiction when I was 13. Because at 14 years old, someone–without being asked–taught me the correct way to format dialogue and how to strengthen my dialogue tags. Because at 15, someone flat out laughed to tears at a cliche metaphor I’d extended too far and I was ashamed, but they taught me something else to try instead. Because by 18, I’d received–and taken–enough unsolicited writing advice to land myself the highest paying on-campus tutoring job my university offered. Because by 19, someone challenged me to write something I told them was impossible for me. Because by 20, that impossible writing became the sample that got me accepted to grad school. Because by 21, I was furious enough at the criticism I received from my creative writing masters classmates to write a thesis so feverishly overwhelming that it inspired one of the foremost postmodern poets in the country. Because by 27, it was brutally honest criticism that gave me the gall to finally leave an abusive job and apply for a teaching position. Because by 30, I got to sit at a public literary journal volume launch and watch an entire class of my creative writing students become published authors.

And even though I joked about why I was writing this, and even though I’m really not, at the heart of it, trying to persuade any one person over to my side, I hope it’s clear how much of a labor of love this post is. How passionate I am about this topic.

This whole thing is a drawn-out plea: Please, do not let fandom creation sites become a place where no one offers advice unless it is begged for. Do not miss your chance to help someone else improve. Do not close the door to criticism that could change your life. Do not let fear of short-term discouragement prevent you from seeking long-term growth. Do not let the immediate side effects cloud your view of the global benefits.

Inoculate yourselves with good advice as a shield against the very hard future.

A dearth of criticism will not make fandom a better place. It will just make it a quieter one.

[snappedwands]

𝐃𝐈𝐆  𝐀  𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄  𝐃𝐄𝐄𝐏𝐄𝐑  !

𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡  𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐭  𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐝  𝐚𝐫𝐞  𝐲𝐨𝐮  ?

the  hierophant.  the  plan  is  perfect  in  every  way.  everyone  where  they  need  to  be,  at  exactly  the  right  moment,  with  exactly  the  right  smile.  you  have  moved  and  manipulated  the  situation,  but  did  you  remember  to  put  yourself  in  the  correct  position ?  you,  after  all,  are  still  a  player  in  the  game  —  whoever  thinks  they  control  the  pieces  still  has  to  make  the  next  move  eventually.  whoever  is  playing  the  game  is  playing  against  an  opponent.  ensure  that  they  have  not  played  better  than  you.

the  thing  that  sticks  out  to  me  as  the  hierophant,  beyond  the  way  that  this  is  written  and  the  implications  of  the  chess  master  (  as  laz  thinks  himself  to  be  ),  is  that  it  is  a  card  of  tradition.  rather  than  continue  on  with  the  status  quo,  lazarus  seeks  to  put  himself  in  establishing  a  new  tradition  that  he  thinks  is  better  for  the  wizarding  community  through  a  near  sense  of  divine  providence.  his  understanding  of  the  world,  his  desires  to  see  it  changed  and  renewed  in  his  image,  is  palpable  and  though  he  is  charismatic,  he  is  also  keenly  aware  of  the  way  he  sounds.  

toeing  the  line  between  extremist  and  pragmatist,  there  is  a  chaos  that  is  nestled  in  his  bones  that  takes  a  significant  amount  of  energy  to  hold  back.  he  wants  to  be  impulsive,  craves  this  need  to  show  the  world  how  he  wants  to  shake  things  up,  but  he  knows  and  values  the  privilege  of  having  supporters  to  his  cause  and  that  is  the  thing  that  prevents  him  from  trying  to  start  a  revolution  on  his  own.  the  board  has  been  set,  now  he  waits  for  his  opponents  and  allies  alike  to  make  their  moves. 

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬  𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫  𝐦𝐛𝐭𝐢  ?  

the  mbti  type  estj  is  represented  by  the  executive,  a  person  of  great  fortitude  who  emphatically  follows  their  own  sensible  judgment.  they  serve  as  a  stabilizing  force  among  others,  able  to  offer  solid  direction  amid  adversity.  this  personality  type  are  representatives  of  tradition  and  order,  utilizing  their  understanding  of  what  is  right,  wrong,  and  socially  acceptable  to  bring  families  and  communities  together.  embracing  the  values  of  honesty,  dedication,  and  dignity,  people  with  the  executive  personality  type  are  valued  for  their  clear  advice  and  guidance,  and  they  happily  lead  the  way  on  difficult  paths.  taking  pride  in  bringing  people  together,  executives  often  take  on  roles  as  community  organizers,  working  hard  to  bring  everyone  together.  

at  first  glance  the  mention  of  honesty  might  seem  out  of  place  for  lazarus  but  there  is  a  beauty  in  being  a  manipulator:  it  doesn’t  inherently  mean  you’re  always  lying.  he  is  very  much  the  type  to  stick  to  the  letter  of  the  law,  whether  or  not  it  flies  in  the  face  of  the  spirit  of  the  law.  the  spirit  of  the  law  provides  a  kind  of  gray  area  to  be  argued  for  or  against  an  action,  to  follow  the  law  to  its  letter  is  to  provide  no  wiggle  room  for  a  case  to  be  made  against  you.  

overall,  this  is  a  spot  on  evaluation  of  how  lazarus  is  perceived  by  others  and  how  he  hopes  to  present  himself.  the  mention  of  traditionalism  and  order  is  a  solid  affirmation  of  both  his  dedication  and  also  the  pull  of  the  hierophant  card  for  him.  the  world  is  on  the  precipice  of  change  and  he  intends  to  ignite  the  dynamite  to  shake  it  up,  as  well  as  lead  his  faction  through  with  the  fewest  incidents  possible.  this  goal  of  their’s  is  not  one  that  is  as  easy  as  point  a  to  point  b  but  there  is  something  to  be  said  for  the  efficiency  with  which  he  approaches  the  task  at  hand  and  the  plan  he  has  crafted.

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬  𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫  𝐞𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐚𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐦  ?

type 8, wing 9 — the diplomat. eights  are  charismatic  and  have  the  physical  and  psychological  capacities  to  persuade  others  to  follow  them  into  all  kinds  of  endeavors  —  from  starting  a  company,  to  rebuilding  a  city,  to  waging  war.  eights  have  enormous  willpower  and  vitality  and  they  feel  most  alive  when  exercising  these  capacities  in  the  world.  they  use  their  abundant  energy  to  effect  changes  in  their  environment,  to  leave  their  mark  on  the  world,  and  to  keep  that  environment  and  other  people  from  hurting  them  and  those  they  care  about.  at  an  early  age,  eights  understand  that  this  strength,  will,  persistence,  and  endurance  are  qualities  to  develop  in  themselves  and  to  look  for  in  other  people.  as  well,  eights  with  a  wing  type  nine  fear  being  hurt  by  others  and  avoid  situations  in  which  they  have  less  control,  generally  preferring  to  be  in  positions  of  leadership.  to  guard  themselves  against  threads  and  to  control  their  own  destiny  leads  to  developing  a  sense  of  independence  at  a  young  age.  diplomats  defend  themselves  by  building  emotional  walls  and  denying  vulnerabilities.  these  people  tend  to  be  naturally  energetic  and  confident,  see  a  variety  of  different  perspectives,  fear  being  controlled  by  others,  and  tend  to  be  seen  as  stubborn  or  rigid.  

lazarus  avery  could  not  be  summed  up  more  perfectly  than  the  description  provided  by  the  enneagram  test.  though  it  lacks  mention  of  tradition,  it  highlights  his  need  to  lead,  his  desire  to  keep  his  fears  hidden  and  prevent  them  from  being  realized,  indicates  his  potential  as  someone  worth  following  into  battle,  and  his  appreciation  for  those  of  high  wisdom  and  high  intelligence.  being  classified  as  a  diplomat  is  a  boon  to  his  ego  and  serves  as  a  reminder  for  himself  that  he  is  in  the  right  place,  at  the  right  time  and  he  is  doing  what  is  right  for  the  people  he  cares  for  most  and  for  a  majority  of  the  wizarding  community  at  large.  they  should,  as  far  as  he’s  concerned,  follow  the  sentiments  that  the  americans  hold  and  to  institute  more  stringent  codes  around  the  international  statute  of  secrecy  in  britain.  removing  the  muggle  influence  from  the  wizarding  world  is  desperately  important  to  the  survival  of  their  kind.  let  it  be  noted  that  their  kind  here  means  purebloods  and  not  the  wizard  as  they  are.

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬  𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫  𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭  ?

a  lawful  evil  villain  methodically  takes  what  he  wants  within  the  limits  of  his  code  of  conduct  without  regard  for  whom  it  hurts.  he  cares  about  tradition,  loyalty,  and  order  but  not  about  freedom,  dignity,  or  life.  he  plays  by  the  rules  but  without  mercy  or  compassion.  he  is  comfortable  in  a  hierarchy  and  would  like  to  rule,  but  is  willing  to  serve.  he  condemns  others  not  according  to  their  actions  but  according  to  race,  religion,  homeland,  or  social  rank.  he  is  loath  to  break  laws  or  promises.  this  reluctance  comes  partly  from  his  nature  and  partly  because  he  depends  on  order  to  protect  himself  from  those  who  oppose  him  on  moral  grounds.  some  lawful  evil  villains  have  particular  taboos,  such  as  not  killing  in  cold  blood  (  but  having  underlings  do  it  )  or  not  letting  children  come  to  harm  (  if  it  can  be  helped  ).  they  imagine  that  these  compunctions  put  them  above  unprincipled  villains.  some  lawful  evil  people  and  creatures  commit  themselves  to  evil  with  a  zeal  like  that  of  a  crusader  committed  to  good.  beyond  being  willing  to  hurt  others  for  their  own  ends,  they  take  pleasure  in  spreading  evil  as  an  end  unto  itself.  they  may  also  see  doing  evil  as  part  of  a  duty  to  an  evil  deity  or  master.  lawful  evil  is  sometimes  called  diabolical,  because  devils  are  the  epitome  of  lawful  evil.  lawful  evil  is  the  best  alignment  you  can  be  because  it  combines  honor  and  dedicated  self-interest.  however,  lawful  evil  can  be  a  dangerous  alignment  because  it  represents  methodical,  intentional,  and  frequently  successful  evil.  

it’s  important  to  know  in  the  detailed  results  breakdown  that  lazarus  got  a  30  in  lawful  evil  responses  and  a  28  in  lawful  good.  though  he  is  actively  on  the  wrong  side  of  the  argument,  he  still  perceives  himself  as  lawful  good  for  the  good  he  does  for  the  people  around  him,  who  are  close  to  him  in  some  way.  though  the  above  is  a  good  starting  point,  it  should  be  noted  that  there  are  a  pair  of  corrections  that  laz  would  make:  

he  plays  by  the  rules  but  without  mercy  or  compassion  (  his  compassion  is  selective,  only  taking  special  care  of  those  who  care  for  him  ).  

he  is  comfortable  in  a  hierarchy  and  would  like  to  rule,  but  is  willing  to  serve  (  temporarily,  so  long  as  it  gets  him  into  a  position  of  leadership  ).

ultimately,  laz  being  pegged  as  lawful  evil  is  wildly  accurate  and  though  his  perception  allows  him  to  view  himself  as  lawful  good,  there’s  no  doubt  that  he’s  evil  and  lawful  evil  at  that.  as  i  said  in  the  answer  regarding  his  mbti  result,  it  benefits  him  to  work  according  to  the  letter  of  the  law  instead  of  in  the  moral  gray  area. 

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬  𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫  𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐚𝐥  𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐭  𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞  ?  

born  at  3:33,  the  height  of  the  witching  hour,  he  is  a  hurricane  of  personalities  meshing  together  to  form  a  formidable  beast.  a  scorpio  -  sagittarius  cusp  with  a  capricorn  moon  and  libra  ascendant,  lazarus  is  concerned  deeply  with  justice,  honor,  and  revolution.  his  is  a  sign  determined  to  do  what  is  right,  what  is  ultimately  good,  and  had  he  been  born  to  another  family  perhaps  he  wouldn’t  be  a  nuclear  weapon  in  the  arsenal  of  the  pureblood  cause.

as  a  sun  in  scorpio  and  sagittarius,  he  displays  the  intensity  indicative  of  both  a  scorpio  and  any  fire  sign.  the  combination  of  these  signs,  who  are  both  attuned  to  psychic  gifts,  are  blessed  with  a  sixth  sense  that  allows  them  to  get  to  the  heart  of  the  matter  which  manifests  in  lazarus’  talent  for  divination  (  though  his  early  readings  in  third  year  were  not  nearly  as  refined  as  they  are  now  ).  it’s  important  to  acknowledge  that  scorpios  have  intense  amounts  of  willpower,  incredibly  conscious  of  what  they  want  and  knowing  when  to  go  for  it  at  the  right  time.  they  are  powerful  strategists  and  can  have  incredibly  patience,  combined  with  their  staying  power  and  refusal  to  give  up.  scorpios  are  not  intimidated  by  anybody  or  anything  and  confrontations  are  not  a  problem.  

his  capricorn  moon  combines  very  well  with  his  scorpio  /  sagittarius  sun  as  lunar  capricorns  tend  to  keep  their  emotions  in  check  and  do  not  favor  taking  unnecessary  risks.  capricorn  moons  also  tend  to  have  a  deep  respect  for  tradition  and  authority.  these  natives  are  more  likely  to  keep  their  lives  structured  and  well  controlled,  practically  dealt  with  instead  of  passionately  felt  which  leads  to  a  selectivity  in  romantic  attachments.  though  capricorn  moons  are  reserved  and  cautious,  they  tend  to  be  deeply  attracted  to  politics,  positions  of  leadership,  and  not  getting  carried  away  by  love.  

the  libra  ascendant  indicates  an  active  love  for  creating  harmony  or  upsetting  balance,  contentious  beings  who  bring  a  particular  change  to  the  pursuit  of  either  war  or  peace.  these  people  tend  to  be  socially  active  and  find  it  natural  engaging  in  one  on  one  and  group  settings  alike,  similarly  they  find  it  easy  to  make  and  retain  acquaintances  but  close  friends  are  few  and  far  between.  their  particular  sensitivity  for  chaos  causes  them  to  be  selective  with  their  inner  circle.  libra  ascendants  tend  to  quickly  hone  in  on  the  many  sides  of  an  issue,  allowing  them  to  weigh  their  scales  in  the  manner  that  best  suits  what  they  need.  combined  with  the  resoluteness  of  a  scorpio  sun  and  capricorn  moon,  it  makes  lazarus  incredibly  decisive  about  the  choices  he  makes.

[makeste]

more discussion about BnHA 237, and the “bystander effect”

Makeste, it’s been hinted for a long time now that Tomura had personally experienced the bystander effect when he was younger. When he had his little therapy talk with Midoriya at the mall he was pissed at how the people around him were just going about their lives and ignoring other people’s problems, thinking only about themselves. And when Midoriya pointed out that a hero would arrest him, he brought up that although anybody’s quirks could let them fight back and perhaps stop him, no-one would do so if he went on a rampage- their complacency and trust in hero society meant that they couldn’t conceive of such a thing happening to them, and so they would default back to letting heroes or the authorities arrive and save them, rather than saving themselves. Like sheep to a slaughter, they just couldn’t bring themselves to act, because they would rather support a peaceful society that protects them than willingly fully endanger themselves.

I actually liked that Horikoshi made it clear that some people were willing to help Tenko, so it wasn’t that Tenko coincidentally wandered into a street full of uncaring assholes, but his ghoulish appearance was a major factor in driving off the help he so desperately wanted. Just, looking at him, you can see the kid’s gone through something horrible, and if they got involved, they might have risked whatever caused it to happen to them next. They were scared of him, and didn’t want to risk getting involved in something they weren’t equipped to handle. Better to leave it to police, or authorities who have trained for similar situations and can protect themselves. Whereas the ‘defenceless’ citizen could tell at a glance that Tenko was something beyond their ordinary lifestyles, an unspoken threat to their peace and safety. Maybe some did call the police and authorities and Tenko had wandered off. But you can see why, for a society that, because of the whole ‘restrict your quirk and don’t perform heroic actions without a licence’ stuff, has been taught that they’re supposed to act normal and not get involved in dangerous situations or criminal activity, helping Tenko was too personally involving for those citizens.

You also got a hint of that when Tomura was restrained at the bar- the flashback’s words even spell out that “before long a hero will…everyone said things like that, but they all ignored you, didn’t they?” Maybe AFO had a hand in helping Tenko get isolated here. He could have had a subtle quirk that manipulated their emotions and fears to drive them to ignore Tenko, or he could have simply just used his connections to stifle any calls or reports of Tenko’s appearance to the proper authorities, and left him in the ‘care’ of the nearby public. Personally, my money’s on the latter. Either way, his appearance here definitely rings too good to be true- he was probably shadowing Tenko whilst he walked through the streets- but I get the impression that he honestly didn’t do much to make the general public act the way they did towards Tenko. He just let the boy experience the isolation and apathy of a society focused on ignoring danger unless there’s someone authorised to handle it.

It’s actually something that’s pretty common in some Japanese media. There’s a great example of this in the Anime ‘Psycho Pass’, set in a futuristic society that’s kinda a mashup of Minority Report and Mega-City One, wherein a city-wide monitoring system called the ‘Sybil System’ constantly monitors people’s emotional and mental states. Should they exceed an accepted threshold that denotes how likely the person is to committing a crime even in advance of them committing any crimes, that person is pursued by law enforcement and either arrested or executed, so they don’t spread undue stress and emotional instability to people around them and cause more people to become ‘crime co-efficient’.

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(interrupting here to add a *spoiler warning* for season one of Psycho-Pass, just in case anyone is planning on watching it at any point, which I would recommend actually; it’s a pretty good show.)

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 The main Villain of Season 1 is a psychopath that, due to his unique mental mind-set and view of people, doesn’t register as9)crime co-efficient when thinking about or committing crimes, rendering him effectively invisible to the system and incapable of being judged or sentenced under it, which is a problem since it’s illegal to hurt others unless authorised by the system. Despite this advantage, much like Shigaraki, the villain can tell how screwed up the world he lives in is, and seeks to awaken others from their blind dependence on the Sybil system, to think and act for themselves. In ep 14, he starts distributing helmets that shield the wearer from the Sybil System’s monitoring, allowing others to commit crimes to their heart’s content. This leads to a harrowing scene where a helmet-wearing stalker, in the middle of a busy, crowded street in public, walks up to his target and beats her to death with a hammer, in full view of everyone. No-one does a thing to stop him, their dependence and complacency making them think it’s some kind of performance art piece, incapable of thinking that it’s anything sinister or a problem for them to take action against. Even as the woman screams for help, they don’t lift a finger, and the Sybil monitoring robots actually start cornering the victim as she bleeds out, confronting her on how her emotional stability has exceeded the acceptable threshold, and she’s now crime co-efficient, even as she dies.

This isn’t the last time the Villain performs social experiments to demonstrate the inherent flaws of humanity in a society that lets a system control and define their actions. He lures the protagonist to an isolated room with a chasm in the middle, no way for them to cross to him, but no obstacles on his side to hide behind. Thanks to his invisibility, even as he speaks of killing more people, admits to his guilt, and tells the protagonist that he will keep hurting more people to prove his point, the Government-issued gun keyed to the Sybil system won’t fire on him. The villain has located and loaded an ordinary gun and left it on the protagonist’s side, challenging them to use it to shoot him dead. The system is incapable of judging him, so the only way for the protagonist to save lives is to take action without it, to act on their own initiative and do the right thing, even if it’s illegal in the eyes of society. The villain is fully willing to risk his own life if It means he can wake one person up for their society-wide bystander syndrome and make them act and think for themselves.

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(END PSYCHO-PASS SPOILERS)

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 Honestly, I’d love it if, going forward, Shigaraki took similar steps to underline the inherent flaws in a hero-worshiping society, running social experiments that force heroes to avoid participating and ordinary civilians to make the heroic actions and save the day, just like the twin ferry scene from ‘The Dark Knight’, perhaps closely monitoring everything so he can publicize how they made the correct decisions if the government tries to condemn them for taking illegal actions to save themselves. It would be a great way of causing an indirect attack on ordered society. And freeing up people to use their quirks more freely would also tie into the MLA’s vision of society, so that could be a case for what’s left of the army to work with Tomura for now, rather than get steamrolled by Giganto again and their cause forgotten.

If that’s what ends up happening, then that could be the main cause for Deku and Shigaraki to clash time and again against each other, as Midoriya keeps interfering in these experiments and performing heroic deeds to save those in need. Because the one thing that’s always been consentient about Deku- powerless or not, legal or not, he will step in to save someone regardless of the reasons not to get involved. It’s a shame, really, that Tenko and Midoriya didn’t meet when they were kids- you know Deku would have helped him because he needed it, regardless of the potential danger.

---

first off, I just want to clarify that I do understand this scene, and I understand that the series has been clearly hinting at a scenario like this almost from the start. I can also understand and accept the logic behind it. it’s just that I dislike it. I understand the point it’s trying to make; I just disagree with it. I think it’s cynical and dystopian. I think the world is better than that, and I think people are better than that. I’m not gonna go into a whole rant, but there’s this psychological phenomenon called negativity bias that basically means that negative things tend to leave more of a psychological impact in general than positive things. put that together with the constant bombardment of negative shit in the media and online and basically everywhere, and over time that tends to lead toward people perceiving the world as being worse than it actually is. this is something that really bothers me about modern online culture, actually, because the overall effect it has on a lot of people (myself included) is to leave them feeling overwhelmed and depressed, and depression in turn drains your energy and makes it more difficult for people to actually do anything about the bad shit. which, I suspect, is intentional on the part of the institutions responsible for most of said media. let’s energize the far right, and dishearten and discourage the left.

but anyways, that’s getting off track and veering towards territory I don’t have the spoons to discuss further lol. okay, so back on topic. a lot of people pointed out that we don’t actually know whether anyone called the police or not, and it’s very possible that they did. this is a fair point. as for AFO subtly having a hand in influencing the passerby’s emotions as well, I’m all for that too. that was always my original theory. because it’s always been clear that, at least from Tomura’s perspective, this is exactly what went down -- something bad happened, and no one tried to help him. we’ve always known that was the case. I just hoped that it wouldn’t prove to actually be the case, and that we would learn that Tomura had misunderstood, or that AFO had intervened. I didn’t hope for this because I thought it had canon support and was logical; I hoped it because I, personally, disagree with the supposition that the average person, when faced with a situation in which a child is in trouble and needs help, would not help, regardless of the potential danger to them. my own personal belief, supported by my admittedly limited personal experience, is that they would.

lastly, I have seen Psycho-Pass (the first season, anyway; I need to check out season 2 one of these days) and enjoyed it a lot, actually. but it’s one of those things I enjoy simply as a what-if, kind of like The Hunger Games. it’s great entertainment if you’re in the mood for some dark and gritty stuff. but it’s a very 1984 type of worst-case scenario government-controls-your-thoughts type of story, and not something I personally would go “oh yeah, I could see this happening in real life” while watching it. it’s more of a fun cautionary tale warning people about the potential consequences of taking extremes too far, even in the name of the greater good. plus it has these really awesome guns that transform and look really cool and splatter the shit out of people. and Amano did the character designs, so if you liked the character designs in KHR it’s definitely worth a watch for that alone, just putting that out there. 

anyway. I’ve completely run out of time, so I’ll just post this and I apologize for not wrapping up my argument neatly. or, you know, at all sob.

[trender-sollux]

anti anti discourse megapost

I’m probably not the Best Most Informed person to ask about this stuff but!! here’s the disc horse as I understand it. this is pretty much a tumblr formatted argumentative essay, so buckle up or scroll to the tl;dr as fast as you can.

(I’ll put it under a cut bc 1.) things are gonna get pretty controversial, and 2.) things got Very long Very fast.)

the bg (the intro paragraph)

in fandom, as most people know, people tend to ship characters together. it’s fun to think about what two characters may act like in a relationship, and this gives way for loads of innovative and unique content to be made around ships! communities can be built, friends can be made, and lots of original fan content can be made centered around shipping characters together!

now, everyone has different tastes in ships, whether it be gay straight or somewhere in between, as well as different tastes in dynamics! (take the fave ship dynamics art meme that’s been going around for reference on what that means lmao)

some people may not even like to ship anyone with anyone, choosing instead to focus on lore or more platonic but no less important relationships, which is also just fine!

la problema

there however is copious amounts of people who deem other people’s ships “problematic”.

this in and of itself is not the problem: whether the ship makes them uncomfortable because of:

a large age gap (typically of 10+ years)

one person being a minor and the other an adult

it being an incestuous relationship of any sort (whether by blood or not)

they don’t enjoy the dynamic of the characters (perhaps it’s an unhealthy or simply turbulent relationship)

that is not the problem.

people are allowed to be uncomfortable with pairings! it’s not something they can help! content reminding people of real world issues or trauma are especially touchy, and that’s understandable and completely okay.

people may even be uncomfortable with those that consume that content, whether they have a sound reason or just simply because they don’t like it (they don’t really owe an explanation), and if they should want that content tagged so that they can avoid it, or ask simply that people who like it and post about it not interact with them so that they can further avoid it, that is perfectly okay.

ships can squick people out or even badly trigger them (in the serious mental terminology way not the internet watered down ‘this makes me mad’ way)!

the real problem comes when you have people harassing others for ships they don’t like.

you have loads and loads of call out culture where hundreds of people ridicule targeted shippers for their problematic pairings, calling them pedophiles or incest supporters or whatever buzz word of the day is to make them out to be awful scummy people.

they make call out posts to “expose them”, get people on their side, tell them they shouldn’t enjoy this thing that makes them happy, and in a rather awful amount of cases, send death threats and attempts to dox them/leak their information, things that can ruin actual lives.

all over the enjoyment of fictional pairings.

you can replace “ships” with just “fictional characters” or “stories” and you have anti-fiction discourse, where people harass the fans (or authors/creators!) of specific “problematic” characters or stories the same way they do shippers.

(also, about to get real controversial here, but you could also replace shippers w/ fujoshi/fudanshi and get the same effect. I know that saying fujoshi are gross is the hot new trend, but anti-fujoshi are just as bad as anti-shippers. I’m significantly less qualified to talk on that and I can link some really great posts if you want more info on that mess, but for now I’ll just say I’m pro-fujoshi and go.)

(if you go through the vld ship tags, I guarantee you will run into a lot of this for reference, though tw for death threats and A Lot of them. kl@nce has an infamous anti following, and anti-sh@l@din has a very fervent following as well.)

these people commonly refer to themselves as the broad and catch-all term “anti”. anti-insert ship here, anti-insert character here, anti-insert story here. they are against them, those who create content for them, and those who just sit back and enjoy them.

why that’s bad

at first glance, this seems like a good thing.

after all, people who consume that content must condone it, right? why else would they enjoy it? and if they condone such awful things, they’re awful people and they must deserve whatever happens to them! they’re dangerous! they deserve threats and misery and the loss of their jobs! they don’t deserve to be happy! they don’t deserve to be alive!

this mentality is really why a lot of antis end up being young people with an interest in activism. social activism is a good thing, after all. raising awareness about real problems through a social platform is a good thing.

it also tends to attract young trauma survivors who went through similar experiences as those portrayed in fiction.

not all antis are young/naive. that’s too much of a scapegoat (that they already use themselves too much). there are a lot of adult antis.

however, a lot of anti rhetoric is specifically targeted at minors. some antis will go out of their way to harass adults that make explicit content for other adults, saying that they are predatory for making it because it makes the anti uncomfortable.

I’m not saying I was immune either; for a while I thought that was just.

antis have a tricky way of worming themselves out of responsibility like that, after all. they make the victim out to be deserving of punishment, whatever it may be, whether it be some public humiliation or threats or leasing information that could put them in real actual danger (which is illegal, by the way.)

I never participated in death threats or anything (they made me,, really uncomfortable), but for a while, at very least, the public shaming made sense.

however, this doesn’t actually help trauma survivors. it doesn’t help people that actually go through horrible situations like the ones depicted in fiction. it doesn’t help those who are groomed by pedophiles, or abused by family members, or in abusive relationships.

what it does do is bully and ridicule people for something that inspires them and brings them happiness. people who did nothing wrong.

this is commonly referred to as performative activism.

you take the name of something vile and awful, and use it to say you are doing something for the greater good, a righteous and necessary evil, but really you are doing nothing at all. nothing progressive to help those in need, nothing daring or brave, nothing to make the world a better, kinder place. nothing.

it can be done out of the desire to help, or the desire to make a difference as someone who isn’t sure how, but your intent isn’t the issue on the table. the fact is that anti rhetoric hurts innocent people.

walking through common anti talk points (q&a)

now, I know that there are people who interact w/ my tiny blog who are antis, and actually one of my super tiny follower count is an anti (which I’m a lil sad about bc they have super cool art and a generally positive blog; not to be indirect but I also don’t wanna be like Hey I Don’t Agree With You In Particular. like nah they’re really cool actually and I hope they’re having a chill day), and for you antis reading this, you may be thinking, “sol, I see what you’re saying, but I’m not convinced antis are all that bad!”

well, it’s time for a lil bit of q&a!!

What makes problematic content innocent?

the content itself isn’t hurting anyone.

content, online especially in this day and age , is oftentimes tagged to make sure no one is triggered by the content they want to enjoy. if not tagged, usually descriptions or summaries include warnings. if not in the summary, ratings (like in movies) are also a good indicator of what you should look out for.

let’s say, for example’s sake, someone ends up ignoring the warning and consuming the content anyway, and ends up hurt because of it.

the content is not at fault, the willful ignorance of the person is.

What if they didn’t know to read the warning?

they were still warned. this should be taken as a learning experience, and they should be more careful in the future. it may sound harsh, but not knowing how something works isn’t exactly any excuse. people aren’t exempt from consequences because they didn’t know how something works.

What makes the creators of problematic content innocent?

a lot of people have the misconception that if someone makes content for something, they think it’s okay or would do something like it in real life.

this is not inherently true.

I’m not saying there may be predatory content creators out there, but that definitely does not mean that all content creators that produce things with dark themes always always think that it’s okay in real life.

there is such a thing as exploratory fiction. this is where although you know something is bad and dangerous, you’d like to know more about it and envision scenarios around it from a safe environment. writing or making art won’t leave you with permanent life ruining trauma, but you still get to explore that concept and sate that curiosity.

exploratory fiction can even be used as a coping mechanism for trauma survivors! that’s right!! some of the exact same trauma survivors that antis claim to want to protect and give voices to are some of the people hurt by their rhetoric.

my own traumas and potential anecdotes aside, I don’t really know much about this topic and as such I’ll let other survivors get more in depth/talk more personally if they’d like (as no survivors deals with their trauma the same way), but I know for a fact that exploring something that hurt you badly in the past can be an excellent way for someone to better understand themselves, what they went through, and better cope with what happened.

it may seem like making light of a bad situation, but it’s their trauma to deal with, not anyone else’s. no one can tell them that they’re reacting wrong. if it makes them happy and isn’t inherently hurting anyone, it shouldn’t be taken away from them.

(I’ve seen anti rhetoric directly harm trauma/abuse survivors and for their privacy I won’t name them but don’t come @ me w/ your “But I’m A Trauma Survivor And I’m An Anti” junk. I’m not saying you can’t be a trauma survivor and an anti. I’m simply saying that antis can’t exactly be counted as completely innocent and uwu-unproblematic either.)

What makes the fans/consumers of problematic content innocent?

by reading something or looking at something, did you just hurt somebody?

did you read this book or look at this art and in doing so just ruin someone’s entire life by violating them or some other heinous act?

no. that’s not how anything works ever.

by writing about murder, did someone just take a knife and kill someone? did someone die because they wrote a book? is every murder mystery author actually a murderer?

no. (but that would make an excellent murder mystery novel. an unreliable narrator who is revealed to be the murderer all along lol writing prompt)

by that same token, reading about someone dying doesn’t make you a murderer or as good as one.

people may come to realize things about themselves through fiction, as access to terminology and information may help them develop, but someone can enjoy fiction simply because it makes them happy and they enjoy it.

But consuming problematic content can inspire someone to do something problematic! Fiction affects reality!

taking inspiration from something and putting something into action are two entirely different things.

assuming a person has the presence of mind not to be so susceptible to suggestion that they do everything they see on tv, fictional content on the damn internet shouldn’t be any different.

But what about Jaws? Shark hunting saw a huge spike after its release because people were all afraid of sharks because of it!*

people were already afraid of sharks. people probably already wanted to hunt sharks, dude. what do you think inspired the original movie?

I mean, a huge carnivorous fish with rows and rows of teeth? and it occasionally came up and just took chunks out of people?? it was horror/thriller material just begging to be used.

shark attacks definitely got more publicity because of the success of the movie, but if you think there wasn’t a fear of sharks before Jaws, you’re either super dense or super short sighted.

also, if you think hunters won’t hunt something just because it’s super big and scary, you have never met a hunter. Jaws’ story is not exactly the perfect comparison to the average person minding their business who would never ever consider doing something heinous.

if someone already wants to do something, they will do it whether or not they have fiction to blame for it. they may never consume that fiction and still do it.

they are the screwed up ones, and it is not because they consume screwed up fiction. that is correlation, not causation.

fiction in and of itself does not affect reality. it is the people who use fiction as a scapegoat to weasel themselves out of the consequences for their actions who say it do.

Does that mean that all fiction is exempt from criticism?

hell no. in fact, fuck no.

fiction can still be bad. fiction can be piss poorly written. the characters can be well presented but executed poorly. the designs might be good but they might not make sense. the anatomy might be fuckin wack and the story might not go anywhere. it might just be pure self indulgent nonsense that no one on earth but the creator enjoys.

this does not mean anyone gets the right to completely forget all sense of human decency and make people feel like shit for the things they created.

as a creator, creating stuff is hard. it takes time energy and practice.

some professional artists’ work aren’t really my thing and their work may make me a little uncomfortable to look at, but I’m not all in their comment sections making their days worse. I recognize that they put time and effort into it, and they may not even be too confident about it!!

sometimes the nicest things you can say is absolutely fucking nothing. however, if you have to say something mean, if you have to give those damn two cents, at least recognize that there is a real human being with thoughts and feelings on the other side of your screen, and they’d probably appreciate some manners and maybe some well wishes for the trouble. no sense belittling people when you can uplift them and inspire them to do better instead.

Does this mean you hate antis?

in any other post I would just say yes. I hate their rhetoric and the awful shit they put creators and fans alike through. however, because this post is informative, my precise answer is not technically.

I do not wish harm on antis. I don’t wish death on them. they deserve their privacy as much as anyone, and I won’t harass them though they may harass others.

I think the things that they do is often times abhorrent and I think that their toxicity is largely a contributing factor in how draining fandom culture has become and I hate that. I hate feeling unsafe in spaces meant to be fun and community driven. I hate looking through blogs to make sure I don’t accidentally come into contact with someone who may potentially try to dox me because I read a comic they think is garbage.

however, I don’t think all antis deserve real hatred. some are simply misguided and don’t do this super invasive awful shit. even if they do this awful shit, I still hope they can change for the better and address their issues, apologize even if they can’t/won’t be forgiven, and become happier chiller people who can focus their energy towards better things.

like... I don’t think I hate them as much as I hate who they are right now. despite what another bit of anti rhetoric says, people aren’t static. even if it doesn’t excuse what they’re doing and consequences will find them accordingly, they deserve room to grow. all people deserve room to grow. they aren’t entitled to my forgiveness, nor my time, nor company, but I wish the best for them at the end of the day. I hope this passes for them and they learn better.

and w/ that I think we’re done!

I think that about explains everything I know, and while at the time I’m writing this it is very late and I’ve been staring at this for a few hours now, I don’t think I’ve missed much of anything!

if I’ve missed a talking point you’d like to see explained, have any questions this post doesn’t answer, or have a post that disproves anything I said, my ask box is always open!!

I humbly request that any debate that may happen on this post if any stay polite and sexy. negativity earns yourself a hearty block from me bc it’s my blog and I do what I want. take it to dms if you must but please don’t be all up and rude. this may not be the most polite and neutral post around but I don’t think any argumentative piece is. I am in fact opinionated and I won’t present both sides of the argument as equal when they quite clearly are not, thank you.

tl;dr

antis are harmful to the very people they claim to protect and stand for and can do better things w/ their time like ride a bike or roll in some grass. they can go step on an entire bucket of legos. just plunge their feet in the sharpest of lego bricks. I hope all their library books are dog-eared to death and their internet is slow. I wrote an entire essay on this practically for over 2 hours no breaks. I’m tired. I’m more tired of their shit but I’m tired.

* this was a real and original argument I saw to justify fiction affects reality that I saw while I was scrolling someone’s blog. it sucked bc the rest of their blog was pretty positive and cool and I even wanted to follow them but like,, ya know, yikes. they seemed condescending and close minded and I was outta there.

edit: this is actually being posted bc it’s been brought to my attention that the antis have already taken to “calling me out” (lmao okay jan) so like. this is wildin - I’m by no means an influencer (I have?? 8 followers. I’m not actually famous.) nor have I been super vocal about it thus far but like,, my dudes I am laughing this is exactly what I knew would happen and I still manage to be surprised.

[scarbladed-archive]

rurouni. ken.shin edition interview / ( minus the whole truth )

TAGGED BY: @fujxn ( thank you so much!! ) TAGGING: @godkilller @vantagx @dokuhai @endsviolent @unwaken @seraphblessed @cxrsedsilence @firstsavior @lunafaeris @futainokiwami @fukenzena @halved @cosmicworn @yunhuntress @sabitaxken @bladesandpottery @woerended @wrathlock @wcnderingwitch @exfujin + everyone please consider yourself tagged i lost brain of everyone so kindly think it’s everyone because it is for everyone !

1. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

“ Himura Kenshin, that it is. ”

2. WHAT IS YOUR REAL NAME?  

“ Oro! Was that not satisfactory? So cold..you are.” Himura SHINTA.

3. DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU’RE CALLED THAT?

“ .... you’d have to ask a rather narcissistic person he knows.” Of course, ‘heart of sword’ easily denoted his legendary skills as a warrior and swordsman - and had taken the place of something more ‘soft’ or so his shishou said. He ponders it without revealing anything but an easy smile.

4. ARE YOU SINGLE OR TAKEN?

“ ......Oro? “ Widower more likely, slow-burn love at present, definitely.

5. WHAT ARE YOUR POWERS AND ABILITIES?

“ -- ah, this one is merely a humble rurouni, that he is. His existing or non-existing skills are irrelevant in mere conversation .

 If we were in a time of crisis, this one would mention them, if he felt it relevant, he would. Quite frankly he means no harm, nor feels it fitting for power to flaunt power - if it must be shown, it will be shown, yes?’ 

6. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?

“ Hm....? A...shade of purple, he supposes! He doesn’t tend to think about it!”A light laugh.

7. HAVE YOU EVER DYED YOUR HAIR?

“...Is it that odd? No, this one has not. Though it warrants many stares at times - red is not common in this one’s country of birth.”

8. DO YOU HAVE ANY FAMILY MEMBERS?

“ This one has many reliable friends in his life. He feels he has been more than fortunate to have even one of them, much less a place so familiar now.” Best not go into wherever his brother-in-law was, much less that he was a widower by his own hands.

9. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?

“ …No he does not, but he is fond of animals.” ( they made good companions in ten years of solitude and gravitating from place to place to observe the country’s condition. )

10. TELL ME ABOUT SOMETHING YOU DON’T LIKE.

“ The act of murder and the taking of life along with the oppression of the weak and those not able to completely defend themselves - especially those who do it for the sake of no reason at all - it cannot be allowed. ” 

11. DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES OR ACTIVITIES YOU DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?

“ Hm, Kaoru-dono has many chores for this one - between making the meals he can’t say he has many!  Does perhaps meditation count? He does very much like to clean - laundry, ah, yes, who doesn’t like clean clothes when one is finished?  ” ( does giving the misguided and wicked an overpowered beat down to protect the innocent and suffering count is that valid enough reporter-dono.. )

12. HAVE YOU EVER HURT ANYONE BEFORE?

“ ...Does it look like I could hurt someone with a blade like this? ” ( the less you know the better! )

13. HAVE YOU EVER… KILLED ANYONE?

“Could I kill with a blade that again, is facing this one on its edge, not your body? ” ( ....More like the hundred count as a shadow assassin in his first four months - after that, he counted, he remembered, and it was high enough as a front-line swordsman of the Bakumatsu. 

The Battle of Toba Fushimi’s end he’d long before felt he had been walking in skulls wide-awake. But of course, he’s trained himself enough to be unassuming that not even his hand twitches, but his heart stabs itself inwardly with that constant pain and his eyes feel too frayed to continue masking it seamlessly. )

14. WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL ARE YOU?

“ …He should like to be something like a bird, perhaps? A rabbit? Those are cute, are they not?  ” ( he took after his sword-style, the might and terror of a DRAGON, the protectiveness of its heart, the raw power with which none withstood it. he was more suited to be something which was feared or reviled. )

15. NAME YOUR WORST HABITS.

“ Oro... perhaps not being able to fully withstand Kaoru-dono’s food. ” Self-hatred, negligence of his life, his temper losing its control, his penchant for distancing himself subconsciously - thinking the real answers while giving light-hearted half-truths was exhausting, he thought.

16. DO YOU LOOK UP TO ANYONE?

“ Of course. Those who seek for peace and have strong wills to protect and help others in any field of work are given my highest respects, that they are. Merely living in this world and enduring tomorrow would garner enough respect if one had a positive viewpoint.

 Even then survival is brave, to live even in great straits is to have courage in some form is it not?  Having goals is admirable as well in life. He thinks there is much to admire and care for in the human heart, that he certainly does. ”

17. GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

“ ........ Oro?! “ ( The heart attracts him, not the body. But he heavily leans towards woman, very likely to be demisexual with a strong female lean / preference, but Kenshin has never mulled on it.  He’s never really thought about it, but the loves of his life have both been women. )

18. DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL?

“ No he does not but he lives at one! The instructor is a fiery spirit she is!” ( he went to school as a child then became an unstoppable killing machine/legend/nightmare in the war that shook the foundation of his country into a new era while the people who were his commanding authorities in that war didn’t seem to mind much that he was just a boy as long as he could do thrice what a grown man could do in seconds. )

19. DO YOU EVER WANT TO MARRY AND HAVE KIDS SOMEDAY?

“ …He wonders!” ( .... to think he’d be worthy of such a thing again. when he was already so unworthy the first time. it’s painful to smile without showing anything. he adored children - and love, well....how long could he keep that up? )

20. DO YOU HAVE ANY FANS?

“ …He doubts it, and if so he’d politely ask them to not. That sounds rather strange. ”

21. WHAT ARE YOU MOST AFRAID OF?

“ Haven’t you heard if you voice your biggest fears all the more do they become larger in your head and more likely to you in your mind to happen? ” ( failing to protect what he loves most again. failing to protect a life. succumbing to his hitokiri nature again. traveling atonement’s path and never finding the full ‘answer’ for his sins. a woman coming to their door telling him to his face once again, like the brave, very few that he has orphaned her of a son, a husband, a relative by a hitokiri’s hands - his past hurting the ones he loved and putting them in in danger far worse than it already had. )

22. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY WEAR?

“ What this one is wearing...?” (sometimes he wears a blue gi. but it’s always this, and he’s fine with it. he isn’t very materialistic even in practicality.)

23. DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE?

“ … That’s a broad question!” (a fiery-eyed kenjustu inheritor and master of the life-giving style of  kamiya-kasshin, horrible cook, vibrantly emotional, as warm as the softest morning -- and not his to have. )

24. WHAT CLASS ARE YOU?

“ Pardon? ” ( he’s confused. )

25. HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE?

“ Many! He’s very fortunate that he can’t even count them on both hands! ” ( and they all knew of his past. it astounded him. )

26. WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON PIE?

“ Isn’t that a western sweet treat? ” ( …who can even afford that??? )

27. FAVORITE DRINK?

“ Tea.”

29. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE?

“ Wherever this one’s friends are. ”

30. ARE YOU INTERESTED IN SOMEONE?

“ Are you interested in someone?” He smiles brightly, a polite but concrete dismissal.

31. WOULD YOU RATHER SWIM IN THE LAKE OR THE OCEAN?

“ …Either is fine. The ocean seems more likely. ”

32. WHAT’S YOUR ‘TYPE’?

“ Hasn’t this one told you he isn’t interested?” ( female swordswomen with hearts of gold and light and goodness and tempers that could send grown men quaking or into walls (like him), who make him stand up on the brink of death just to go to where she is and see her again. types like that.)

33. ANY FETISHES?

“ You’re a little young for this, that you are.... orororo....”

34. TOP OR BOTTOM? DOMINANT OR SUBMISSIVE?

ORO!?

35. CAMPING, OR INDOORS?

“ Both is fine, he’s more familiar with ‘camping’ as you say.  ”

36. ARE YOU WAITING FOR THIS INTERVIEW TO BE OVER?

“ Well, frankly he isn’t sure why he was interviewed to begin with - but perhaps! Apologies his answers were so simple.” A smile, but of course, that was the intent all along. 

[oumiyuki]

The Daily Life of Loving a Really Cute but Dense Vampire Ch20

Chapter 20 – Tag, you’re it!

Author Notes

Yay for updates! –banzai- XD

May you all enjoy~ :D

Ayase Eli is a very busy person. Class president duties, student council meetings, personal project of wanting to keep the school district safe which includes patrolling, and taking care of her younger sister – these were just the few things that Eli has to do.

Today, the hardworking class president would have partaken in one of the above-mentioned activities after school, if not for being called upon for something leisure.

“Eli-chan~!” The unmistakable energetic call from her classmate sounded behind her so she stopped and turned.

“Hoshizora-san, is something the matter?” The quarter-Russian asked with a gentle smile.

“Rin. Call me Rin!” The orange haired girl requested with a broad smile. “And Kayo-chin is…”

“H-Hanayo…” The soft-spoken brunette requested to be addressed by her given name too, though in a very shy and soft voice.

Eli smiles a bit more than earlier, it’s quite an endearing sight to see Hanayo doing her hardest to step out of her comfort zone. “Rin, Hanayo. How can I help you?”

Rin shook her head. “Not help, nya. Let’s walk home together! Rin wants to hang out with Eli-chan more!”

“I-” Eli was going to kindly decline but was stopped when she noticed the shyer of the two nervously but excitedly voicing up.

“I-I too…Would like to…spend more time with Eli-chan… I-If you don’t mind!” Hanayo stuttered but her genuine smile shone through.

Eli sighs a little. “I guess it can’t be helped. Let’s go home together.”

“Yay, nya!” Rin pumped both hands into the air while Hanayo’s smile widened and nodded.

Shortly after leaving the school, Rin breaks the silence with an uncharacteristic sigh.

“What’s wrong, Rin-chan?” Hanayo faced her best friend with a look full of concern; it is extraordinarily rare to hear her brimming with positivity childhood friend sigh after all. Eli too, turned to listen.

Rin pouts a little. “I’m sorry…It’s not that Rin wants to worry you, but…”

“You can tell me anything, Rin-chan.” Hanayo placed a hand on the shorter girl’s shoulder encouragingly.

“It’s just that…Rin wishes to see Bat-chan again. But since Rin isn’t allowed to make a Welcome-Bat banner, Rin doesn’t know when Bat-chan will come again.” Sad yellow eyes stared into surprised and worried purple.

“Well…” Hanayo wasn’t sure where to start; should she comfort her friend and say that the bat will visit her again, or should she try to dissuade Rin from wanting to meet the bat again.

Eli clears her throat, gaining the attention of both Rin and Hanayo. “I think we should heed Yaza- um, Nico’s advice, and not mingle too much with…dangerous creatures.”

“But Bat-chan isn’t dangerous…” Rin pouts at Eli. “And you’ll know if you meet it! Alright, Rin got it!” Rin bounced and in an instant, the gloomy clouds above her disappeared as she smiles widely. “Eli-chan and Kayo-chin should come over and play at my house, so that when Bat-chan visits, we can all play together! And you will be able to see how nice and funny Bat-chan is!”

“What!?” Eli accidentally exclaims loudly as she imagined herself being near a bat, though this outburst was overlooked as Hanayo herself seemed to be shaking in fear while Rin skipped in front.

“Rin can’t wait for us to meet and play with Bat-chan, nya!” Rin laughs, ignoring any other protests Eli and Hanayo tries to come up with; plus her blonde and brunette friends can’t protest for long when they look at Rin’s childish excitement and innocent smile.

 Once the classroom for 1-3 was emptied out, Nico re-entered to see Umi still at her seat, though her bag was already packed.

“Well, let’s-”

“Someone is still around.” Umi speaks in a voice only audible to vampires which stops the now known to be a vampire black haired girl from saying anything careless when there’s another presence.

Yazawa-san is very careless or simply not sharp at all to have not noticed that someone else is still in this classroom.

The part of Nico that was slightly worried for what to come disappeared as she rolled her eyes at the “other presence”. “It’s fine. That’s just Nozomi.”

Toujou-san? Why would it be fine if Toujou-san heard us? Because she seems to have an interest in supernatural things and won’t think that we really are vampires? Or…

Umi raises a wary but curious eyebrow. “Toujou-san?”

“Ah~h~ Nicocchi~ Ya didn’t have to blow my cover so soon~” Nozomi crawls out from under her table to cross her arms and grin cheekily.

Why under the table?

Umi stopped herself from commenting, only because she could see a certain gingerhead childhood friend of hers doing the same; and it was a rather unexplainably cute action, though for the vice class president’s case – a very unexpected action.

Nico rolls her eyes again. “You wanted to know if Sonoda is a vampire and I found out, so you don’t get to hide yours.”

“I found out Yazawa-san’s identity.” Umi stated as she felt like she couldn’t let someone else think that it was due to her miss that her identity is known.

Yazawa-san, you shouldn’t be so prideful. That pride reminds me of Maki, but somehow different.

The purple haired vampire giggles. “Oh, I already know that Nicocchi was found out, and not the other way round~”

Nico huffed angrily where she stood, clearly unhappy that she let her identity spill, but it was for Maki so it wasn’t that bad.

Why does Toujou-san already know? Yazawa-san told her? Or was she watching… Toujou-san seems very perceptive after all.

Umi nods. “So…Toujou-san is one too.” The always careful archer made sure to not use the word ‘vampire’ in a public place where students or teachers may overhear.

Nozomi nods. “That I am. And you can address me as Nozomi. No need to be so formal, Umi-chan~ We’re friends after all.”

F-Friends… I mean, ahem, Toujou-san is- N-Nozomi is a vampire too…

The blue haired vampire pressed her lips together, not comfortable with breaking formalities so simply, but considering how the purplenette kept a gentle grin and is also known as quite the reliable vice class president… “N-Nozomi…”

“Yada-yada. And now we’re all friends. Yay. If business is done here, I’ll get going-” Nico cut in as she lost her patience from watching the stoic and stern archer act meek and embarrassed, especially since it’s because of the annoying spiritual vampire she has for a friend yet again.

Yazawa-san’s dismissal of my efforts to address Nozomi by her given name is making the situation extra embarrassing.

“Don’t be so cold, Nicocchi~ There’s a lot we can chat about now that we know each other’s secrets~” Nozomi grins even widely as she approaches the Class Idol to pat her.

“Hey! No touching the hair!” Nico smacked the mischievous vampire’s hand away with a frown.

But Nozomi seems to always quickly make a joke out of things and lighten the mood.

Umi caught the two’s attention with a short laugh, blushing, Umi quickly composes herself. “You two are really close.”

Nozomi nods happily, while Nico was taken aback by the comment. “Who is even close with this annoying woman?!”

This dishonesty is indeed familiar. Maki should learn not to be so dishonest. It’s a funny sight though.

The purplenette feigns a hurt look. “You’re always hurting me, Nicocchi~ But it’s okay, I know you’re just too shy to tell me you love me~”

“As if!” Nico turned away to hide her face; she obviously love Nozomi since Nozomi is one of her truest friends, but admit it, no way.

Yazawa-san and Nozomi are really close friends, that’s what I can see. I guess I can trust this two to not cause us any problems.

Nozomi sneaked a quick glance to see that their new friend was looking over and decided to keep up with the teasing. “Perhaps you don’t want to have Honoka misunderstanding your feelings~ I understand~”

“Wha- Nozo- I don’t!” Nico looked between the bluenette and purplenette with horror; Nico herself wasn’t even sure why she had to be so afraid or worried about what Umi thought of her. It’s not like she needed the green light from Umi to be dating Maki. ..Right?

Honoka? Why is Honoka brought up now? Plus… Yazawa-san has feelings for Honoka? And I thought it was for Maki. Wait, if it’s both… That cannot be forgiven!

“Yazawa-san…” Umi spoke up in a low, dangerous voice.

The class idol gulped, glared at her unashamed friend before putting up a strong front. “W-What is it?”

“I won’t allow you to hurt Honoka or Maki in any way-”

“I have zero intentions to hurt Honoka or Maki! Or anyone! Do I look like someone who hurt people?” Nico gestured wildly, trying to protect her name.

Yazawa-san doesn’t seem like someone who will hurt people…

“No…” Umi looked Nico up and down before replying.

Nozomi claps twice. “It’s true. Nicocchi won’t hurt anyone~ And Umi-chan~ You should address the class idol by ‘Nico’~”

Nico wasn’t sure if she should feel relieved or offended because Umi seemed to be implying that Nico’s size can’t hurt anyone, but relief she felt. “It’s fine. Sonoda doesn’t have to-”

“Honoka-chan would prefer if you address each other by your given names~” Nozomi said matter-of-factly while smiling broadly, amazed and proud of herself that Honoka can be her trump card.

… Bringing up Honoka now is unfair… But… Honoka will prefer that, just like Mi- Kotori’s case…

Umi clears her throat twice. “N-Nico…”

Nico grimaced a little before complying. “Umi.”

Nozomi usually wouldn’t but she felt extra delighted to have made another vampire friend today, plus Nico and Umi was too far apart for her liking, and thus she used her super speed to have the class idol and stoic archer in an embrace in the next second. “We’re all friends now~”

“Wha-!” Umi stuttered as she froze in Nozomi’s left arm, while the smaller of them three struggled to no avail at Nozomi’s right.

“Let go of me!” Nico’s protest was ignored as the purplenette chuckled; she can’t help but always be this happy when she makes a new friend and Umi was her kind of officially fifth friend she’s made.

Nico still struggles but gives a smile at Nozomi; Nico understands after all.

They really are close friends. I hope for a great relationship between all of us. But I guess that might have to wait until Honoka shows up…

 In a familiar and not so familiar street, a prone to getting lost gingerhead walks. After following a stray cat to and fro alleys, Honoka found herself where she was - wherever she was.

“Mm… Left or right?” Honoka tilts her head and body far off to the side as she wondered aloud what her next step should be.

Uwaa...How did I get so lost again? The orange tabby cat was really cute though~

Honoka chuckles at the memory of getting to pat the stray cat without getting scratched just before it left.

Oh. I hear familiar voices!

The carefree vampire skipped towards the voices she heard and appeared near a playground.

Ooh~ Oh.

Honoka marvelled at the playground which had swings, see-saws, slides and more before she noticed the current occupants.

“Ahh! The kids I met at the supermarket!” Honoka exclaims as approaches the children who all halt in their playing. “I didn't get your names… I'm Kousaka Honoka.”

To think I’d meet them again so soon!

The girl with the short brown hair recovered first and returned the wave. “Onee-chan! Do you have sweets for us to eat? Not that we're allowed to take from strangers…”

Sweets?

Cocoa pouts at the memory of her eldest sister reprimanding her about accepting sweets from people not acknowledged by said eldest sister.

“Sweets…” The youngest and the only boy around raised his hand which was holding onto a toy train.

I don’t have any strawberry jam bread with me now though.

The third girl, also the oldest of the three siblings present was still a little surprised to respond.

Honoka chuckles. “I don't have any sweets on me actually. Could I join in the fun?”

But I’d love to play! It’s been awhile since I played at a playground with other kids.

“Let's play tag then! Onee-chan is taller so you can surely run faster! Hopefully.” Cocoa jumped about in excitement; she have yet to know that Honoka is a vampire, so she was hoping that she can use a bit of her super speed against someone older.

Tag~

Honoka was a little starry eyed at the idea of running around for the pure reason of having fun.

“Cocoa. You should introduce yourself first. And I'm sure…” Cocoro trails off as she was unsure how she should address the gingerhead - first name? Family name? Onee-chan?

Cocoa waited for a minute but since her older sister did not pick up and finish her sentence, Cocoa spoke up again. “I'm Cocoa! Let's play tag Honoka!”

Cocoro panicked on behalf of her younger sister. “Aren’t you being too rude, Cocoa? At least add an honorific.”

Cocoa continued at her own pace to grab Honoka’s hand, but obliged. “Let's play, Honoka-nee!”

Honoka chuckles on the inside.

Cocoa-chan is really energetic~

Cotarou joined in by waving his toy in the air. “Honoka..nee…”

“Sounds fun! Cocoa-chan! Cotarou-kun!” Honoka smiled broadly, ever ready to play.

And Cotaro-kun is cute. I wonder if I was like that when I was much younger.

Cocoro watches with bemusement at how her younger siblings and the gingerhead seemed to be ready to play together as though they knew each other for some time now, instead of the supposedly strangers or acquaintances they should be. “I'm Cocoro… Honoka-onee-chan.”

And Cocoro-chan is so well-mannered and reserve. Kind of like Umi-chan.

Honoka directs her warm smile at Cocoro. “Let's play together, Cocoro-chan!”

“M-Mmph.” Cocoro could not help but smile widely as this was her first time playing with a vampire friend.

“Alright!” Cocoa cheers and did a happy jump and spin in the air. “Honoka-nee shall be the demon first!”

I guess that’s only fair since I’m the last to join!

Ever-ready to play Honoka, grins and accepts. “Okay~ I'll start counting, so you better start running! I won't go easy on you!”

Cocoa ushered Cotarou to start running before turning back to the grinning gingerhead. “Wouldn't want you to!”

Alright~ I’m gonna catch Cocoa-chan first!

Cocoro shakes her head as she knew full well that her younger sister is hoping for an exhilarating run and perhaps to use her super speed.

Honoka laughs and counts from ten to zero, all while keeping her eyes on her first target – Cocoa. “Ready or not! Here I come!”

The gingerhead chuckles as the three siblings each sounded their excitement and anticipation from where they were positioned; worried to be the one of target.

Now where should I turn first-

“You’re too slow, Honoka-nee!” Cocoa goaded from the other side of the playground with a large slide.

“I haven’t started running yet, Cocoa-chan!” Honoka picked up the pace and manoeuvred her way from under the playground to reach the little girl with the short brown hair but a ginormous smile.

“Wah! I won’t let you catch me so easily!” Cocoa declares as she ran the other way and around the see-saws.

Ha! I don’t have to run around the see-saws!

“You’re- Ehh?” Honoka jumped over the see-saw to tag Cocoa but somehow missed by a centimetre.

I missed? This is interesting!

Honoka kept the pace and ran a larger arc around the swings while Cocoa zig zagged across them, pulling at the ropes while she was at it so that the gingerhead could not follow.

“Is that all you got?” Honoka challenged as she reached out to tag Cocoa again after giving a good boost on her right feet for a leap towards the younger girl.

“No!” Cocoa shouts as the high schooler misses the elementary schooler by yet another centimetre. Cocoa turns and sticks her tongue out at Honoka before running faster away.

Cocoa-chan definitely had a “magical” speed boost earlier. Just like the first time…

Honoka’s smile threatened to reach her ears as she got excited at the instinct to use her natural abilities.

This time!

The gingerhead watched as the small brunette ran up the playground and was going to slide back to the bottom.

There’s no escape!

Honoka does a quick dash towards the playground, jumps forwards while changing into a bat midway so as to fly over the large slide and transform back into human form at the other side – with a magnificent backflip spin before landing on the ground right in front of Cocoa and tagging her on the shoulder.

“Tag! You’re it~” Honoka winks at Cocoa’s awe-struck expression.

That was fun! I haven’t moved at such a speed in a while, and to just fly as a bat and flip like that~ Ah, that was exciting!

“Wow…” The youngest around lifted both hands up into the air like a cheer after dropping his toy on the ground, his mouth opened in an ‘o’ showing how surprised he was too.

“Honoka-onee-chan-” Cocoro might have wanted to comment about not exposing the gingerhead’s identity in such a flashy and obvious manner, but Cocoa was louder.

“No way! No way! No way! Honoka-nee! You’re- You’re-!”

Honoka chuckles at the younger girl jumping and grabbing onto her hand. “That I am. Did I not tell you?” Honoka tilts her head to the side wondering.

“You didn’t! This is so cool! Cocoro-nee! Cotarou! Honoka-nee is-”

“I know. We know, Cocoa. Don’t say it out loud or Onee-sama will get angry.” Cocoro cut her younger sister off before the ‘v’ word could be spoken.

“But! This means we have a-”

“Amazing!” Cocoro shouted to drown out the ‘v’ word that Cocoa exclaimed.

“Friend!” Cocoa cheered.

I’m happy to have more vampire friends too, Cocoa-chan! We should play the ultimate tag!

“Let’s continue playing tag, Honoka-nee!” Cocoa suggested with so much enthusiasm that even someone who was not vampire would be able to guess that the tag Cocoa suggests isn’t the usual game.

“Let’s!” Honoka’s eyes was sparkling with excitement and Cocoro sighs at the back, quickly holding onto the two’s hand so that they don’t take off running.

“Onee-sama won’t approve of it.” Cocoro states while Honoka’s high tension lessens.

“Aww~ I guess not now then. We’ll play another time!” Cocoa wanted to protest, but seeing Honoka’s huge smile and genuine blue eyes, she nods her agreement.

“Promise!”

“Of course~” Honoka lifts her free hand to pink promise with Cocoa.

I should invite Umi-chan and Maki-chan to play too~

“See you again, Cocoa-chan, Cocoro-chan, Cotarou-kun! I had a whole lot of fun!” Honoka waves goodbye to her new friends and runs off, at a reasonable speed.

 Nico left after some time as she has to fetch her younger siblings from a playground close to the childcare which Nico permitted Cocoro to bring her two younger siblings to play.

“Bye-bye, Nicocchi~” Nozomi waves goodbye while Umi gives a small nod to acknowledge that Nico was leaving first.

I should tell Nicocchi to let her siblings play with all of us some time in the future~

“Well-”

“Do you have any questions, Umi-chan?” The vice class president decided to not beat around the bush this time.

The spirits seems to be telling me that Umi-chan suspects or knows something~

The bluenette raises both eyebrows at the straightforward question, contemplating for a few seconds before voicing her thoughts. “What do you know of Honoka?”

As expected. Umi-chan does thinks that I know that Honoka-chan is like us~

“Even though I’m being forward with you already~ Umi-chan is so cold~” Nozomi teases and Umi could not help but lower her head to hide a growing blush.

“I-It’s because… We should not speak certain words...” The usually composed vampire found it hard to not speak those forbidden words from time to time.

Umi-chan is the kind to be easily provoked too, huh~ This is going to be fun~

“I understand~”

“So?” Umi cleared her throat behind a hand as she tried to get them back on track.

“I know that she’s a sweet and energetic girl~”

“Nozomi.” Umi is a patient girl, at least she believes to be one of those people with very high patience, thanks to the annoyingly lazy and playful childhood friend she has; but it was after school now, and she had a rather long day, thus the lack of patience when it came to the mysterious vice class president’s teasing.

“Alright. I do know. But Nicocchi doesn’t.” Nozomi answers honestly. “Are you going to tell-”

Umi shakes her head. “I’m not going to be the one to blow Honoka’s cover… Though I am curious. Nico mentioned that you’re the one who wanted to know about me…what made you suspect?”

Nozomi giggles with a hand covering her mouth. “I won’t say that Honoka-chan didn’t play a part~”

Honoka-chan played a big part in this after all~

Umi sighs, obviously resigning to fate that the gingerhead had blame in her identity being suspected. “I must have been careless at some point too…”

“Hm~ But it was out of care for Honoka-chan~ So it wouldn’t really be counted as being careless I suppose~” Nozomi gives the sulking bluenette a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

“… Since you know, why is Nico in the dark and causing problems for Honoka?” Umi frowned at the memory of Nico’s stalker-ish and amateurish snooping.

Nozomi chuckles. “It’s more fun this way~”

Umi sighs yet again with a shake of her head. “Until when? And here I thought you wanted to make more friends.”

The purplenette grins. “Honoka-chan and I are already friends~ Of course, I do want to become even closer from this too~”

But considering how much more interesting it is to see Nicocchi try her hardest…I can’t help but wait and see~

“Hm.” Umi hummed her understanding to Nozomi’s situations. “As mentioned earlier, Maki is in the know, so I’ll let her know about you too.”

Maki-chan is amazing to have grew up with two vampire friends~

Nozomi nods. “I’ll greet and introduce myself once more tomorrow too~”

Umi wears a lopsided smile as she imagines Maki’s surprised and irritated expression from Nozomi’s sure to be playful introductions. “I’ll give her a heads up.”

Nozomi chuckles. “You say it like I’m going to do something bad~”

It’s just a little bit of teasing~

“Are you not?” Umi jests as the two left the classroom.

Author Notes

You know? I actually can’t wait for Nico to find out that Honoka is a vampire. So Honoka can play with Nico, Nozomi, Umi and Maki and Hanayo all together~ XD And it’ll be so fun~ *O*

Anyways~ I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter~ XD I especially enjoyed the parts with Honoka. –chuckles- XD

Leave me comments to tell me how you feel about the chapter! *w* And see you in the next one!

[balliversedu]

Chapter 16: Self Help Tools

From: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

This chapter is composed of six toolboxes, each with a set of tools to address different recovery issues. Nonetheless, I still value these lists as indispensable adjuncts to my own journey of recovering. I often hand out these lists to clients at appropriate times in their journey. I also give them to students who attend my classes. I have received a great deal of positive feedback about how helpful they have been to enhancing recovery.

My friends and clients whose recovery progresses at the greatest rate are those who supplement their therapy with self-help activities. Those who print out these lists, and carry them around or post them in a conspicuous place until they are deeply ingrained seem to take a quantum leap in their recovery.

I hope that you become immersed in these lists, and that they give you the healing support that I have seen so many others receive from them.

TOOLBOX 1 - SUGGESTED INTENTIONS FOR RECOVERY

Here are normal and safe wants and needs to wish and hope for . . . to cultivate with mental, spiritual, emotional and physical energy. As usual, focus on the ones that most appeal to you. Skip the ones that do not feel right for you or that you do not feel ready for.

I want to develop a more constantly loving and accepting relationship with myself. I want an increasing capacity for self acceptance.

I want to learn to become the best possible friend to myself.

I want to attract, into my life, relationships that are based on love, respect, fairness and mutual support.

I want to uncover a full, uninhibited self expression.

I want to attain the best possible physical health.

I want to cultivate a balance of vitality and peace.

I want to attract, to myself, loving friends and loving community.

I want increasing freedom from toxic shame.

I want increasing freedom from unnecessary fear.

I want rewarding and fulfilling work.

I want a fair amount of peace of mind, spirit, soul and body.

I want to increase my capacity to play and have fun.

I want to make plenty of room for beauty and nature in my life.

I want sufficient physical and monetary resources.

I want a fair amount of help (self, human, or divine) to get what I need.

I want God’s love, grace and blessing.

I want a balance of work, rest and play.

I want a balance of stability and change.

I want a balance of loving interaction and healthy self sufficiency.

I want full emotional expression with a balance of laughter and tears.

I want a sense of meaningfulness and fulfillment.

I want to find effective and non-abusive ways to deal with anger.

I want all this for each and every other being.

TOOLBOX 2 - HUMAN BILL OF RIGHTS

[GUIDELINES FOR FAIRNESS AND INTIMACY]

I have the right to be treated with respect.

I have the right to say no.

I have the right to make mistakes.

I have the right to reject unsolicited advice or feedback.

I have the right to negotiate for change.

I have the right to change my mind or my plans.

I have a right to change my circumstances or course of action.

I have the right to have my own feelings, beliefs, opinions, preferences, etc.

I have the right to protest sarcasm, destructive criticism, or unfair treatment.

I have a right to feel angry and to express it non-abusively.

I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone else’s problems.

I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone’s bad behavior.

I have a right to feel ambivalent and to occasionally be inconsistent.

I have a right to play, waste time and not always be productive.

I have a right to occasionally be childlike and immature.

I have a right to complain about life’s unfairness and injustices.

I have a right to occasionally be irrational in safe ways.

I have a right to seek healthy and mutually supportive relationships.

I have a right to ask friends for a modicum of help and emotional support.

I have a right to complain and verbally ventilate in moderation.

I have a right to grow, evolve and prosper.

TOOLBOX 3 - SUGGESTED INTERNAL RESPONSES TO COMMON CRITIC ATTACKS

The attacks of the critic often operate below the radar of self-awareness. Unless we can identify them, we are at their mercy and helpless to deconstruct them. Once we learn to recognize inner critic attacks, the simple techniques of Thought-Stopping and Thought-Substitution are powerful tools in short-circuiting the critic.

There are two categories of attacks. Perfectionism attacks, fueled by toxic shame, create chronic self-hate and self-flagellation.Endangerment attacks, fueled by fear, create chronic hypervigilance and anxiety.

PERFECTIONISM ATTACKS

1. Perfectionism. My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved.

2. All-or-None & Black-and-White Thinking. I reject extreme or over generalized descriptions, judgments or criticisms. Statements that describe me as “always” or “never” this or that, are typically grossly inaccurate.

3. Self-Hate, Self-Disgust & Toxic Shame. I commit to myself. I am on my side. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I turn shame back into blame and disgust and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings and foibles. As long as I am not hurting anyone, I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear and depression. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit.

4. Micromanagement/Worrying/Obsessing/Looping/ Over-Futurizing. I will not repetitively examine details over and over. I will not endlessly second-guess myself. I cannot change the past. I forgive all my past mistakes. I cannot make the future perfectly safe. I will stop hunting for what could go wrong. I will not try to control the uncontrollable. I will not micromanage myself or others. I work in a way that is “good enough”, and I accept the existential fact that my efforts sometimes bring desired results and sometimes they do not. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

5. Unfair/Devaluing Comparisons to others or to your most perfect moments. I refuse to compare myself unfavorably to others. I will not compare “my insides to their outsides”. I will not judge myself for not being at peak performance all of the time. In a society that pressures us into acting happy all the time, I will not get down on myself for feeling bad.

6. Guilt. Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices out of guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear: “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”.

7. “Shoulding”. I will substitute the words “want to” for “should” and only follow this imperative if it feels like I want to, unless I am under legal, ethical or moral obligation.

8. Over-Productivity/Workaholism/Busyholism. I am a human being not a human doing. I will not choose to be perpetually productive. I am more productive in the long run, when I balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform at 100% all the time. I subscribe to the normalcy of vacillating along a continuum of efficiency.

9. Harsh Judgments of Self & Others/ Name-Calling. I will not let the bullies and critics of my early life win by joining and agreeing with them. I refuse to attack myself or abuse others. I will not displace the criticism and blame that rightfully belongs to my original critics onto myself or current people in my life. “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself”. - Jane Eyre

ENDANGERMENT ATTACKS

10. Drasticizing/Catastrophizing/Hypochondriasizing. I feel afraid but I am not in danger. I am not “in trouble” with my parents. I refuse to scare myself with thoughts and pictures of my life deteriorating. No more home-made horror movies and disaster flicks. No more turning tiny ailments into tales of dying.

11. Negative focus. I will stop anxiously looking for, over-noticing and dwelling on what might go wrong or what might be wrong with me or life around me. Right now, I will notice, visualize and enumerate my accomplishments, talents and qualities, as well as the many gifts life offers me, like music, film, food, beauty, color, books, nature, friends, etc.

12. Time Urgency. I am not in danger. I do not need to rush. I will not hurry unless it is a true emergency. I am learning to enjoy doing my daily activities at a relaxed pace.

13. Disabling Performance Anxiety. I am reducing procrastination by reminding myself not to accept unfair criticism or perfectionist expectations from anyone. Even when afraid, I will defend myself from unfair criticism. I won’t let fear make my decisions.

14. Perseverating About Being Attacked. Unless there are clear signs of danger, I will thought-stop my projection of past bullies/critics onto others. The majority of my fellow human beings are peaceful people. I have legal authorities to aid in my protection if threatened by the few who aren’t. I invoke thoughts and images of my friends’ love and support.

TOOLBOX 4 - TOOLS FOR LOVINGLY RESOLVING CONFLICT

This is a list of techniques and perspectives I’ve gathered over the years to help couples resolve conflict as lovingly as possible. When I give it to couples that I work with, I ask them to take time at home to read it aloud together and to discuss each one as much as necessary to see if they can agree to adopt it as a guideline for handling conflict.

When I first got together with my wife eleven years ago, we spent considerable time on a weekend trip discussing these guidelines one at a time. We aired our concerns, enthusiasms, caveats and reservations about using them. Over subsequent years, we refined our usage of them, and have evolved a communication style around our conflicts that has helped to keep our intimacy healthy and ever growing.

Normalize the inevitability of conflict & establish a safe forum for it. Discuss and agree to as many of these guidelines as seem useful.

The goal is to inform and negotiate for change, not punish. Punishment destroys trust. Love can open the “ears” of the other’s heart.

Imagine how it would be easiest to hear about your grievance from the other. Say it as it would be easiest for you to hear.

Preface complaints with acknowledgement of the good of the other and your mutual relationship.

No name-calling, sarcasm or character assassination.

No analyzing the other or mind reading.

No interrupting or filibustering

Be dialogical. Give short, concise statements that allow the other to reflect back and paraphrase key points to let you hear that you are accurately being heard.

No denial of the other’s rights as outlined in the Bill of Rights above.

Differences are often not a matter of right or wrong; both people can be right, and merely different. Be willing to sometimes agree to differ.

Avoid “you” statements. Use “I” statements that identify your feelings and your experience of what you perceive as unfair.

One specific issue, with accompanying identifiable behavior, at a time. Ask yourself what hurts the most to try to find your key complaint.

Stick to the issue until both persons feel fully heard. Take turns presenting issues.

No interrupting or filibustering.

Present a complaint as lovingly and calmly as possible.

Timeouts: If discussion becomes heated either person can call a timeout [one minute to 24 hours], as long as s/he nominates a time to resume. {See 1 below}

Discharge as much of any accumulated charge before hand as possible.

Own responsibility for any accumulated charge in the anger that might come from not talking about it soon enough.

Own responsibility for accumulated charge displaced from other hurts. {See 2 below}

Commit to grow in your understanding of how much of your charge comes from childhood abuse/neglect.

Commit to recovering from the losses of childhood by effectively identifying, grieving, and reclaiming them.

Apologize from an unashamed place. Make whatever amends are possible.

Include your intention to correct your behavior in the future. Explain your extenuating circumstances as evidence – not as an excuse - that you were not trying to be hurtful.

1. More on Timeouts, #16

Two of the most common reasons that relationships break up is irreconcilable differences and irreparable damages. The latter could have been prevented in many cases if couples knew how to use timeouts judiciously.

This is especially true for fight-type trauma survivors, who when flashing back, can easily lose control to the outer critic and say intimacy-destroying things. Survivors benefit greatly from learning to recognize the signs of being over-activated so that they can then take timeouts to stop the bleeding caused by a critic on the rampage.

Things said in the heat of a flashback can wound deeply and engrave themselves in the psyche of the other in ways that cripple trust. So much of this needless intimacy-destruction will be prevented if both members of the couple agree that either of them can call a timeout whenever they feel too triggered to be lovingly confrontive, or are experiencing the other as flashing back into being overly aggressive.

Timeouts can range from one minute to 24 hours depending on how long it takes either or both partners to achieve good enough flashback management.

Timeouts work best when the person calling them nominates a time to resume conflict resolution, so that timeouts do not become techniques for dodging issues.

Timeouts can be used individually as a time to release any accumulated charge. This can be done by using the safe “angering out” techniques I describe in chapter 5 of my book, The Tao of Fully Feeling.

2. More on Transference, #19 & #20

In using this list with couples, I notice that those who are most skilled in conflict resolution, have achieved significant skill with steps 19 through 21. These steps are about learning to handle transference.

For trauma survivors, transference is often a type of flashback whereby we unconsciously react to our significant others as though they were our childhood caretakers. When this occurs, we displace onto them a great deal of our unresolved childhood emotional pain.

One common example of this occurs when a partner’s fair and minor complaint triggers a torrent of rage, fear and/or shame that is left over from decades of a parent’s overwhelming and rejecting criticism.

Another instance of this occurs when her failure to say what he was hoping to hear stirs up the pain of decades of his aloof, detached mother or father’s neglect. All gender combinations can of course fall into this trap.

The composition of most conflicts that I witness in my office eventually seems to be approximately 90% re-experienced pain from the past and 10% actual current pain. Harville Hendrix’s

Getting The Love You Want, is a wonderful guide for working through this dynamic in a way that heals childhood wounds and enhances intimacy at the same time.

In my experience, the vast majority of conflicts between consenting adults involve a dynamic where both people play a part and have some responsibility for a disruption in their loving connection.

Truly healing resolutions to conflict typically occur when each partner owns their part and expresses an apology about their contribution to the conflict. For deep level resolution this usually includes an apologetic reference to your transference. A good apology sounds something like this of this: “I’m sorry for the amount of charge I had in expressing my disappointment. While I believe I have a fair complaint, the intensity with which I expressed it was too much. I’m sorry I responded to you as if you were my constantly withholding mother.”

TOOLBOX 5 - SELF-GRATITUDES 12X12

This chart is a self-esteem building exercise and is best approached as a work in progress. Try to think of twelve entries for each category. Resist the critic’s all-or-none dynamic, and list something if it is generally true of you a good deal of the time. Work on it when you are not in a flashback. Ask someone who you trust enough to help you with this exercise.

1. Accomplishments

2. Traits

3. Good deeds

4. Peak Experiences

5. Life Enjoyments

6. Intentions

7. Good Habits

8. Jobs

9. Subjects studied

10. Obstacles overcome

11. Grace Received

12. Nurturing memories

GRATITUDES ABOUT OTHERS 12X12

This chart is an exercise for deconstructing the outer critic’ program of generalizing that everyone is as dangerous as our traumatizing caregivers. Use the same guidelines as those of the last chart.

1. Friends [past and current]

2. Inspiring people

3. Inspiring authors

4. School friends [whether or not you are still in contact]

5. Circles of friends [past and current]

6. Childhood friends [you do not need to still be in touch with them]

7. Teachers

8. Kindness of strangers

9. Pets & Animals

10. Work friends [past and current]

11. Groups [past and current]

12. Nurturing memories

TOOLBOX 6

I am ending this book with a reiteration of the most essential principles of Cptsd recovering. Please reread these steps to help anchor them in your psyche. Notice also if they reverberate with you more significantly than when you first read them back in chapter 8.

13 STEPS FOR MANAGING FLASHBACKS

Say to yourself: “I am having a flashback”. Flashbacks take you into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as you were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.

Remind yourself: “I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present.” Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.

Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.

Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her/him unconditionally– that s/he can come to you for comfort and protection when s/he feels lost and scared.

Deconstruct eternity thinking. In childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless – a safer future was unimaginable. Remember this flashback will pass as it always has before.

Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. [Feeling small and fragile is a sign of a flashback.]

Ease back into your body. Fear launches you into “heady” worrying, or numbing and spacing out.

Resist the Inner Critic’s Drasticizing and Catastrophizing.

Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment. Validate and soothe your child’s past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn your tears into self-compassion and your anger into self-protection.

Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don’t let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn’t mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.

Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.

Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal your wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to your still unmet developmental needs and can provide you with motivation to get them met.

Be patient with a slow recovery process. It takes time in the present to become de-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process [often two steps forward, one step back], not an attained salvation fantasy. Don’t beat yourself up for having a flashback.

[a]Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. [Tightened muscles send false danger signals to your brain.]

[b]Breathe deeply and slowly. [Holding your breath also signals danger.]

[c]Slow down: rushing presses your brain’s flight response button.

[d]Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a pillow or a stuffed animal, lie down on your bed or in a closet or in a bath; take a nap.

[e]Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body. It cannot hurt you if you do not run from it.

[a]Use thought-stopping to halt the critic’s endless exaggerations of danger, and its constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self- attack into saying “NO” to your critic’s unfair self-criticism.

[b]Use Thought-substitution & Thought-correction to replace negative thinking with your memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments.