#people when the teenage boy finds his little sister in a house with strange men and is lied to about it and

[midnights-dragon]

people getting angry when abuse victims relate to billy hargove and sympathize with him because abused children who are never out from under their abusers thumb will lash out and be angry as a fear response since that’s all they’ve ever known is WILD

[watchmegetobsessed]

Hey Daddy - Bucky Barnes

a/n: so this one is a little more... lighthearted? idk but it was based on THIS request!

pairing: Bucky X Reader

word count: 1.9k

summary: You join Peter and his friends for a game of Truth Or Dare but you wish you stayed in your room when MJ challenges you to do a task that will definitely out your secret relationship with Bucky.

masterlist

You totally forgot Peter would have his friends over for the night, so you’re slightly surprised when you find him with Ned and MJ in the kitchen, but it’s a pleasant one. You’ve been spending a lot of time with him, being the youngest of the adults in the tower, you developed a great friendship with the youngster and his friends.

“Oh, hello guys! Good to see you again!” you beam at the three of them, Ned greeting you with a little wave and a stunned smile on his face. Peter has recently revealed that Ned might have a tiny crush on you, which you find cute. Though you’re more than a decade older than him, you find it endearing he is crushing on you out of all the amazing women on the team.

MJ nods in your way as she munches on her sandwich, if you didn’t know her better you’d think she is annoyed by you judging by the look on her face, but you’ve learned by now that this is her default expression, almost a happy one.

“Hi Y/N!” Peter greets you smiling. “How was your day?” he asks lightly. He is such a good kid, knows his manners and cares so much for others. The men in the tower like to tease him about his soft behavior, but you think it’s such a great trait.

“A little tiring. Training kicked my ass today, but it was fine. What are you guys up to?” you ask, grabbing yourself a canned soda from the fridge.

“MJ wants to play truth or dare, but only because she wants to make us do embarrassing stuff,” Peter huffs looking at the girl who just smiles with a shrug.

“Oh, I love that game! Used to play it a lot at parties too!” you smirk, remembering the times you played with your friends in the basement of your mom’s house.

“You want to play with us?” MJ offers.

“If you don’t mind…”

“Not at all!” Peter smiles, happy to have another person join their little group. Glancing at Ned you see that he is now blushing, the tip of his ears turning red as he keeps his eyes fixed on the screen of his phone. Poor kid will have to learn how to function around women sooner or later.

The game starts out quite innocent, it’s not even the wild version where you’re drinking, though it popped into your head to pour yourself some wine. But then you decided to keep it PG rated for the kids’ sake.

But as more and more rounds go down, the tasks and questions are getting a little… spicy. When MJ turns to you and asks you the question of the game and you answer before you could even think about it, you know you are in trouble.

“Dare,” you answer and want to take it back right away, but you don’t want to look like such a pussy. But then MJ smirks at you devilishly and you consider just walking out before she ruins your whole life.

“Alright, text all the other Avengers ‘Hey Daddy’ and read the responses out loud.”

The boys gasp as you press your lips into a thin line, knowing well it won’t end good on your side. Especially because there is one person whose response you would rather not read out loud.

You’ve been close to Bucky since day one and though you both were a little ignorant towards your feelings, a few months ago you finally moved your relationship a little further than just being friends. However you both agreed it’s better kept as a secret, at least until you figure out where you really want to head together as a couple.

Now, if you text that message to Bucky there’s no way he won’t write back something that would bust your asses right away, but you can’t back out now, you can only hope he is busy doing something else and won’t pay attention to his phone.

Pulling your phone out of your pocket you lean onto the kitchen island as the kids start cheering for you being a badass and accepting the task.

“Just hey daddy, that’s all?” you ask as you open your contacts.

“Maybe add a winking face,” Ned suggests and you shoot him a glare that immediately turns his face red as he shuts his mouth.

“The winking face is a good idea,” MJ nods.

“Thanks, Ned,” you mumble under your breath as you start opening the text threads, sending them all the same message. Tony, Nat, Steve, Banner, Clint, Sam, Strange, even Rhodey and at the end of the list… Bucky.

“And what, now we wait?” Peter asks.

“Place the phone here so we see when you get a reply and you’ll read them, we can move on until then,” MJ tells you, bossing you around like you’re not even a highly trained special agent who could take her out in a blink of an eye.

The first reply comes from Nat who just asks if you’re drunk. Then comes Banner, who sounds offended that you think he could be your father, totally missing the point of the text. Tony teases you about always knowing you had a thing for him, Steve kindly tells you he only sees you as a sister, Clint just reads the text and doesn’t reply. Sam just sends a simple “control yourself” message back while Strange threatens you to block you if you send another text like this again. Rhodey doesn’t even reads it.

You start to feel relieved when about twenty minutes pass by and no reply comes from Bucky. The game moves on and you almost start to forget about the whole task when your phone lights up again and your breathing hitches when you see Bucky’s name appear on the screen.

“Oh, another reply!” MJ beams as she urges you to unlock the phone and read the reply. When you do so and see his text, you almost just hop off the stool and run out of the kitchen. You consider saying something else, pretending like he didn’t write what he did, but MJ doesn’t take the bullshit and her patience runs short so she simply snatches your phone out of your hand and reads the text herself.

“I specifically remember you saying you’re not into that stuff. What else are you keeping from me about our sex life?”

You let out a long and tired sigh as the room falls silent and they all just stare at you in confusion before MJ slowly slides the phone back to you.

“Our sex life? There’s… there’s a you and Bucky?” Peter asks quietly, not sure what to do with the new information. An anxious chuckle slips from between your lips as you try to find a way to get yourself out of this massive trouble, but nothing comes to your mind. You’ve fought aliens, assassins, you were captured, tortured, went on a hundred mission in your life, yet now three kids defeated you with a game of Truth or Dare.

“Well, um… It’s a funny story, you know—I don’t… fuck,” you mumble, scratching the back of your neck.

“Are you like… together or is it just a friends with benefits thing?” MJ question, shooting you a curious look.

You don’t get to answer, because just as you are about to open your mouth, the man in talk walks in, a puzzled look on his face, phone in his hand, probably still dwelling on your latest message. His eyes spot you first, but then he realizes that you’re not alone and he freezes. It’s not that Bucky doesn’t like Peter or his friends, he just feels so far away from people these days, let alone teenagers who are about a century younger than him.

“Oh,” he breathes out, slowly walking closer to you. “Hello guys,” he murmurs shyly, trying to put the picture together as his eyes fall back to you and he sees how uncomfortable you are. Before he could get another word out, MJ speaks up and just as always, her raw style doesn’t disappoint any of you.

“Don’t worry, your girlfriend is not really into the Daddy stuff.”

You almost choke on your own breath as you turn to shoot her a glare, your hand moving to grab Bucky’s arm gently, sensing him growing more and more anxious with each second.

“MJ, I don’t think Sergeant Barnes is the right person to joke around with,” Ned mumbles, avoiding to even look at Bucky as you let out an airy chuckle.

“G-Girlfriend? We are not—“ Bucky starts, but you cut him off.

“No use to deny, Buck. They know it.”

Bucky huffs, closing his eyes for a moment before he moves closer to you, his hand coming to rest on your lower back. Despite the absurdity of the situation, this small little gesture makes your heart pitter-patter in your chest.

“Is there any chance this could stay between us, kids?” you ask with a charming smile, turning to the three troublemakers.

“I don’t know, what do we get out of keeping it a secret?” Peter purses his lips, pretending to have the higher ground, but you already know what’s about to come.

Bucky’s vibranium arm snaps to the counter top as he shoots a death glare over to the poor kid and though he definitely looks like he is ready to kill any moment, you know that it’s all just an act.

“How about I don’t rip your guts out, kid? That enough?” Bucky growls and while all three of them take a step back with wide eyes and dry throats, you just shake your head chuckling, placing a hand to his hard chest.

“Buck, no need to go all winter soldier on them. They’ll keep our secret, right?” you ask with an innocent smile and all three of them start nodding wildly, as if they just saw a ghost.

Seeing their reaction you realize it’s better if the game ends here and you let them be on their own. You thank for the fun time before grabbing Bucky’s arm and pull him out of the kitchen, heading up to your rooms.

“You shouldn’t have scared them that badly, Buck,” you scold him, but you still actually find it kind of funny, seeing their pale faces and fearful eyes at your boyfriend’s tough guy act.

“Well, they scare me too sometimes,” he mumbles shrugging. “Especially that MJ girl… she is just… weird.”

You can’t help but laugh at his words, a six feet tall super soldier with a metal arm being scared of a teenage girl with a big mouth, that’s quite an interesting concept.

“Hey,” you stop him before the two of you would part in the hallway. He turns back and his blue eyes soften on you. “Do you want to… sneak into my room?” you ask, biting into your bottom lip as you smirk up at him, sliding a hand up his chest, cupping his cheek in your palm. “We could have some fun… Daddy.”

“Wait, are you really into the daddy stuff?” he asks with wide eyes, making you cackle with your head falling back.

“Just shut up and come to my room,” you chuckle, pressing your lips against his as you pull him into your bedroom, shutting the door closed behind you.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!

[soft-october-night]

The Love Interests in the Works of Jane Austen: An Assessment

This is an "extremely scientific" and "thoroughly researched" ranking based on personality, money, family and connections, and is a bit of a blend between the book characterizations and the film characterizations (and is in no way only based on my own opinions). Here we go, grouped by book but not much else.

Edmund Bertram: absolute trash. His family has treated you unbelievably shitty since day one and not only has he BARELY noticed, he ALSO has treated you shitty. Will fall in love with someone beautiful and fun and when she dumps him will come crawling to you for a rebound. His passion for you is so lackluster that even the esteemed author who wrote about it barely spared a paragraph on your relationship. Has a job but only because his dad owns the land the church is built on. You’ll gain no connections or family by marrying him, since he’s literally your cousin.  0/10

Henry Crawford: There IS such thing as too much fun, and that is never clearer than in this man, who will try to seduce you as a game, freak out when his middling overtures don’t work and then try and seduce you “for really real” this time. You will definitely move up in the world if you marry him, and if you play your cards right it seems like his sister is also just REALLY into you, so see how that goes. Life will be pretty okay until you find him in bed with one (or more, who knows) of your relations. 3/10, 8/10 if you’re into that

John Willoughby: Will be like something out of a romance novel, you’re thinking he’s going to propose and then he just fucking ghosts you and embarrasses the fuck out of you at a party by acting like he doesn’t know you. Somehow marry him (congrats on the inheritance you must have, btw) and get ready to take a backseat to the whims of his aunt for as long as she lives. 1/10, at least you get to live in a nice house.

Edward Ferrars: Oh Edward. He’s a bit of a mess, isn’t he? Super kind, your family loves him, he made a bunch of stupid decisions in his youth that are coming back to bite him in the ass. He is loyal to an absolute fault, but you luck out when his fiance turns out to be a bit of a gold digger and dumps him when his mom disowns him. He doesn’t have a job and neither do you, but his family doesn’t wanna speak to him (lucky you!) and you’ll be happy and poor together if you two can work on your communication skills. 7/10.

Colonel Brandon: He’s got a nice house, the respect of his friends and the community, and he has a LOT of passion. He’ll give your sister’s penniless husband a job, dramatically rescue you from a rainstorm, make sure his dead girlfriend’s daughter is happy and taken care of even after your ex fucks HER over too, and is all around a pretty decent guy. Just. Uh. Maybe, kinda, sorta, needs to go after women his own age and is probably with you because you remind him of his dead girlfriend. 5/10 with the wildly inappropriate age gap, 9/10 without it.

Mr. Wickham: Please don’t. He’s a thirsty bitch who lives for drama and you think he’s fun until you find out he tried to sleep with one teenage girl and is making eyes at your fifteen year old sister behind your back. Marry him (through the grace of mysterious benefactors, cause he ain’t marrying anyone unless he’s paid the right price) and get ready for a life of being surrounded by military men in the north of England while your husband tries to fuck everything that moves. Work that out somehow with him and you might actually be happy. 0/10.

Mr. Bingley: He is a softboi who will do literally anything his friends tell him to do. He is SUPER rich, and marrying him will throw your sister’s into the path of other rich men and he is REALLY into you, but get ready to be sucking up to his sisters for literally the rest of your life. Unless he can ship Miss Bingley off to live with Mrs. Hurst, have fun trying to wage a war of barely concealed insults over the breakfast table every morning, and if you’re marrying Bingley I’m sorry but that is a war you just cannot win. He doesn’t have a job but he does have five thousand a year, and neither of you can manage money. You’ll love simply and deeply and be happy as any two can be. 8/10.

Mr. Collins: Last resort to rescue yourself from a life of being a burden to your parents until they die and then having to become a governess or something. Has a job but never shuts up about his boss. You will have to rearrange everything in your house according to his boss’ will. 2/10

Mr. Darcy: Is a anxious disaster who doesn’t know how to talk to girls at parties and needs to learn how say no to going out when he’s just not feeling it. He doesn’t have a job because he’s a landlord; he owns half of Derbyshire and has ten thousand a year, but turns out that all of that money and land can’t buy tact or charisma. Doesn’t know how to flirt and thinks he’s doing a great job (he’s not). He’ll propose to you out of the fucking blue one day by insulting literally everything about you, but don’t worry! Reading his letter unlocks Darcy 2.0. This patched version gives him humility, a personality, and he WILL gain the ability to rescue your family from utter ruin. Marry him and enjoy a life of luxury and witty ripostes, but beware! You ARE going to have to deal with Lady Catherine until the day she dies, not to mention Caroline Bingley’s barely concealed contempt every time you meet in polite company. Darcy 1.0 3/10, Darcy 2.0 8/10.

Captain Wentworth: Absolutely top tier. Has a job, has earned everything he has, including a fortune and the respect of his peers, superiors, and subordinates. His sister and her husband are practically the only happily older married couple you know, his friends are super fun and nice (even the dour one with all the poetry knows how to have a polite conversation). If you dumped him ten years ago on the advice of your almost comically shitty family yeah, he’s going to hold a grudge, but he WILL NEVER STOP LOVING YOU and the MOMENT he gets over his pride will do everything and anything in his power (including leaping the bounds of propriety!) to win you back. Based on his love, money, and connections you should RUN, not walk, into his arms TODAY and allow him to rescue you from your family and whisk you off to see the world on his ship, at least until Napoleon busts out of Elba. 12/10

Mr. Eliot: Will lose all your old schoolfriend’s husband’s money in a bad deal, has debts out the ass, might be trying to get with either you or the woman your dad has been flirting with for the last few years, you’re not sure. Is totally ruining the rekindling relationship you’re trying to get going with your far superior ex. He wants the land and title your dad has and will stop at nothing to get it. Marry him and you can move back into your old house (maybe? it’s a little unclear what with all the debts) but have every single cent your mother left you immediately put into some dumbass scheme. 1/10

Henry Tilney: another softboi who just wants to act in the school play while his dad and brother plan to ship him off to military school and berate him for not joining the football team. Bring him shopping with you to pick out dresses, spend long nights over tea chatting about books. Has a job, but again, only because his dad owns the land the church is on. Loves you even though you have some very strange ideas about his house, and will forgive you when he realizes you thought his dad either murdered or imprisoned his mom. If he can find the courage to tell his dad to fuck off and let him live his own life, expect a long, happy marriage of snuggling together in a window seat somewhere, sipping tea and reading. 9/10

John Thorpe: Trash bastard man. Peaked in whatever equivalent of high school he had. Shitty and rude to everyone, would post racist memes on facebook and start fights if he could, all while being shitty and manipulative and CREEPILY possessive of you. -2/10

Robert Martin: A sweet himbo farmer who just wants to love and worship you. He has a job, is pretty rich, and while his connections may not be above his class, he’s an earnest boy who wants to take care of you and be taken care of in turn. Marry him the first time, absolutely do NOT let your friend influence you against him, because who KNOWS if you will get a second proposal! (You will, he likes you THAT much.) Marry him and enjoy a sweet, simple life of exactly zero drama (unless your friend is around). 7/10

Mr. Elton: Trifling gold digging trash who doesn’t know what the word no means. Do not marry, unless you want to be censured by decent, hardworking people -1/10

Frank Churchill: Knows how to have fun, but you know there’s something more going on. He won’t let you see his letters, he sends out secret notes, then he smiles and tells you that everything is totally a okay. Another boy with ANOTHER overbearing aunt, only this one doesn’t know how to say no. Marry him if you’ve got the money, but he will always be longing after the poor girl next door that auntie wouldn’t let him married, and would have cheated on you already if she was into it. 3/10

Mr. Knightly: He’s your brother in law and you’ve known him almost your whole life, so that’s a little sus, but he is also the ONLY person in your entire life who knows how to tell you no (and you really, REALLY need to be told no sometimes.) He is extremely wealthy, but more importantly he’s kind and caring about people who are considered “beneath” him. He will break his weird no dancing rule to dance with your shy friend, he will ream you out for being shitty to unwed spinsters who value your opinion, and somehow has the correct read on everyone all the time. You will gain no connections by marrying him, since the two of you already have the exact same connections anyway, but the two of you should be content in a test of wills that will last a lifetime. You’ll be very happy as long as he doesn’t get super pedantic and start correcting you about everything. 7/10

[wannabemobwife]

Guns, Glamour and Goodfellas- Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Dressed to the Nines

Dad!Mob!Tom Holland x Mom!Mob!Reader Fanfic

-Pairings: mob! Tom Holland x reader

-Warnings: Language

-Words: 3.9K

Background Info- Tom Holland is boss of his mafia and Y/N Holland, his wife, is former mafia boss turned stay at home mom but still joined Tom on his business trips and meetings. They started dating at 19 and were married at the young age of 21, realizing they only needed each other. They have two kids together, both ages 16, Parker and Rosie Holland.

*Realistically to have two teenagers, Tom and Y/N are both in their mid/late thirties but they look like they are in their mid twenties/late twenties alright. What can I say, they have really good genes. I can guarantee that Tom will still definitely look as gorgeous as he does know in his 30’s.

Author note: I enjoy writing drama, so it’s hard to have constant fluff, mostly angst (I hope, at least what I consider angst). The more times where a character almost dies but doesn’t the better to me. This is my first fanfic, I wrote this story based on being married with kids because that is the part of my life I’m most looking forward to. Heads up but there is tons of dialogue, I find that the most fun to write.

Also I enjoy PDA and a personal goal of mine is to be married for 20 years and still want to jump my husband’s bones so there are a bunch of little hints like that through the fanfic. Sorry if your name is any of the characters, feel free to change them in your mind. I know it’s stupid of me to say that but whatever.

Chapter 1: Dressed to the Nines

Words: 3.9K

You and Tom were a power couple. The Hollands, the ones with the most power and the most dangerous. A king and queen to their empire. Lately you had been tackling married life together and had been raising two kids. A boy named Parker and a girl named Rosie both the same age. But nothing could prepare you for what every parent dreads, their teenage years. All the hormones, mood swings and relationship drama that comes with it.

When both the twins turned 16 it was big turning point in your family. Rights of passage as Tom would say. You and Tom threw a massive gala to celebrate their 16 years of being alive. Tom as the leader of his own mob, money was no object and you coming from the family you did and being a former mafia boss, you both had truly opulent wealth. It was the night of their kids’ sixteenth birthday and everyone was invited from family, friends, business associates and even enemies. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer they would say. Tom and tried to keep as much as possible from your kids, trying to give them a normal childhood. Failing over and over again at that. Some nights Tom would come home bloody from beating up someone who crossed him. Or there would always been strange, bulky, built men surrounding your mansion for protection. It was hard to explain everything to the kids, but it was something they just had to do for family.

The party was about to begin, 7:00 on the dot, and the house was decorated to fit a very elegant yet youthful look. Caterers dressed in white carrying bountiful trays of appetizers. Tom and you adored the luxury of their life, even though they knew if they didn’t have all the materials they did they would be even happier. Their family is what mattered most to them. You were dressed to the nines, in a lace gold gown, with sparkly stilettos on. Her Y/H/C hair gracefully laying one her back, without a strand out of the place. And her Y/E/C eyes were beaming, if looks could kill they would. Tom couldn’t help but admire you.

“You know, it’s rude to gawk,” you said and Tom chuckled.

“I’m sorry but you’re just too beautiful not to,” he responded and placing his hands on your hips.

Rolling your eyes and smirking you said “tonight’s the night.”

“I know, should we do it now?” he questioned as his half smile turned into a frown.

“No, let him have this one more night. Without any obligation,” you had been dreading this night for years.

“Alright, darling,” he said as he kissed softly, he just couldn’t contain himself he

found his other half. The person that makes him want to be a better man. His soulmate.

Like any family there are skeletons in their closets but, the Hollands were a whole another story. Tonight was the night, one they had been dreading for 16 years, to be exact. You and Tom’s son, Parker would be tasked with the most difficult decision of his life. One that will rewrite his story. Tom wishes he would just turn it down and do what he didn’t have the balls to do when he was his age.

The day Tom’s dad brought him into the office, he knew his life would never be the same. Dom, his father and former boss of the Holland empire, made it very clear that if he turned him down, he could forget about being in this family. Tom just knows he won’t give the same ultimatum. Parker being the oldest and only son of Tom and Y/N Holland is the future of their family empire. Parker was quite popular, a playboy actually and very dashing. Wearing a black suit with a black tie and a white shirt he look just like his dad with his brown hair slicked back. Being one of the guests of honor tonight he had to look the part. Slowly made his way to the bar before his mother could find him. Desperately needing some liquid courage, he quickly poured himself a shot of vodka and downed it even faster. However nothing gets past, you, Y/N Holland.

“Parker Jackson Holland!” you fumed, catching her 16 year old son drinking.

“Hey, what’s with the middle naming me, it’s my birthday,” he responded a little startled.

“You should not be drinking, ever. You got two years, mister,” you explained.

“Alright, mum,” Parker sounded annoyed.

“Where’s your sister by the way, party is supposed to start in 10 mins,” you said as she noticed all the guest starting to arrive. A line of people already waiting at the door but everyone knew the Hollands preferred people to arrive fashionably late.

“I don’t know. Having a fit probably. Last I heard was screaming coming from her closet.”

“I’ll go check on her. Your father and I need you sober later. Understood?” You exclaimed.

“Yes, mum.” Parker was a good boy on paper but, enjoyed breaking the rules.

Right as you turned away, Parker then started to pour another shot.

“Don’t even think about it,” you said still walking forward. Parker chuckled and set the shot down.

You went to go check on her daughter. You knocked on the door when she heard something shatter. Rosie may seem timid but she definitely inherited Tom’s anger issues.

“Honey? Is everything alright?” You questioned, startled by the outburst.

“Yeah, mum. I’m sorry,” Rosie muttered seeming frustrated.

“It’s ok, oh honey!” You exclaimed, noticing the tears on her daughter face

“I know, this is stupid,” Rosie whispered trying to hide her tear stained face.

“No, no it isn’t. What’s wrong?” you said, genuinely concerned for her daughter’s well-being.

“I don’t know everything, this dress, my hair, my makeup,” she exclaimed frantically.

“Baby, you look beautiful.”

“Pretty enough that someone would want to dance with me?” Rosie whispered. You were caught off guard that your daughter could ever have thoughts like that.

“Yes of course, you are always gorgeous.” You hated seeing your baby girl beat herself up based on her looks.

“Thanks mom, I have a question?” You just nodded in response.

How did you get dad to fall in love with you?” Rosie asked inquisitively.

“Um, I guess was just myself. I didn’t put on a facade and I was very honest and transparent with him,” you answered a little taken back from the question.

“You were yourself? I find that hard to believe. From stories I’ve heard you seemed to be bold, brave and beguiling” said Rosie with a hint of sarcasm.

“Am I not those things now?” You asked, cheekily.

“No you are, just in a different way.”

“Honey, whoever you are trying impress, will love for who you are, ok?” You couldn’t stand seeing her daughter like this.

“Alright. Can you help me with my makeup?” Rosie asked because her previous makeup had been ruined by her miniature breakdown

“Yes, of course.”

Back at the party Tom was making his way around saying hello to almost everyone. He desperately needed to find his son. Tom’s and Parker’s relationship was interesting to say the least. As babies and toddlers Tom was there. He loved his kids so much but as they grew older they only noticed the times he wasn’t there. Only the missed recitals and football games, never all times that had dinner as a family and he tucked them in to bed at night. Parker is closer to his mother and his twin sister. Never really having that man to man talk with his dad yet. The time when fathers stop seeing their sons as boys and look at them as men. Tom approached Parker sitting there with his a drink in his hand, he hoped was a watered down Pepsi.

“Hey Parker, did your mom talk to you already?” Tom asked, not trying to raise too many questions.

“No, she might have mentioned something,” Parker responded.

“Ok, well after cake meet me in my office.” Parker nodded in response and noticed how he tensed a little at the conversation.

Their chat quickly ended when Harrison and his 16 year old son Henry came to wish happy birthday. Harrison is Tom’s right hand man, his consigliere and his best friend. He was more than that, Harrison was family. Harrison’s son, Henry was best friends with Parker and Rosie, ever since birth.

“Hey mate,” Tom said to his best friend Harrison.

“Hey, just came to wish this guy “happy birthday”” he said patting Parker’s shoulder.

“Happy birthday, dude” Henry said to Parker and he returned with subtle “thank you’s.” Parker slightly nodded to his dad to see if he could leave the conversation and Tom let him know it was ok.

“Come on, let’s go,” Parker exclaimed making his way to den where his other friends were.

Harrison was the first to speak up, “Have you told him yet?”

“No, Y/N and I are going to do it tonight” Tom uttered with a low toned voice.

“Geez, do you need me there?” Harrison asked, afraid Tom might say yes. Harrison was there when Tom went through the same process with his dad. Tom’s anger issues didn’t help the outcome.

“I think I’m alright, just family. Not that I don’t consider you family but I don’t even know if Rosie should be there.” Tom justified.

“It’s alright mate, I get it.”

They were both enjoying their night, making their rounds, Tom and Harrison went to get drinks, not beer this time but a scotch on the rocks as this was a classy night. Everything was dandy up until one of Tom’s men, William, came up to him informing Tom of a problem.

“Sir we have a problem,” William whispered to Tom, Tom nodded for them to follow them to his office.

“William, what now? Can’t you see I’m enjoying the party?” Tom exclaimed, closing the doors to his office.

“Sir, Daniel, was found dead at his post outside, shot by a tranquilizer gun, with a note taped to his chest, it’s for you.” William announced and handed the paper to the most important and dangerous man of the mob, his boss.

“What the fuck?” A long silence stayed in the air while Tom processed the news. Awkwardness had filled the entire room as they all awaited Tom’s response.

“For fucks sake, you need at least 3 guards posted outside. NOW!” He screamed as his anger continued to rise as read the note.

“Yes, Sir.” William said promptly.

“God forbid anything else happen tonight, but my wife and kids are the first ones to be escorted to safe house. Understood?” Tom explained as he only was only thinking about his family in that moment.

“Yes, Sir.” William said and quickly ran out before he could get the brunt of Tom’s upcoming outburst. Right on cue, Tom threw a glass ashtray at the wall, it shattering into shards.

“Calm down mate, what did the note even say.” Harrison asked with a worrisome look on his face. Tom showed Harrison the joy and his smile faded immediately. Tom for the first time, in a while, felt fear because he knew he had everything to lose.

Not wanting to deal with the life long headache that is his life. He looked for solace in, you, his wife as he spotted her over by the fireplace and made his way over to you.

“Have told you look stunning tonight?” He said instantly falling in love with you over again.

“Several times actually,” you said.

“Well I can’t help what you do to me, gorgeous.” He said placing a kiss to your temple.

“Hey, have you had the talk with him yet?” You said pointing a finger at your son getting very intimate with some girl.

The girl was Charlotte Owens. Parker and her had been together for almost a year, but you and Tom hadn’t met her formally yet. Your son was very tight-lipped the it came to his private life. She was tall, fair and had platinum blonde hair along with piercing blue eyes. Rosie didn’t seem to like her very much, constantly annoyed by her popularity status and reputation, used to be known for being with a new guy every couple weeks and don’t put it past Rosie to not give her the benefit of the doubt.

“No, remember we’re going to do it tonight. Is something wrong?” He said with concern, worried why you would forget something so important.

“No, not that talk, silly, “The talk”,” you responded. His lips formed an “o” shaped as he realized he would have to teach his son about how to be safe during sex.

“Oh, no. I’ve been avoiding it for as long as possible.”

“Why baby, you’re so good at it. You could give him a few a pointers.” You said, winking at him.

“Wow, love, you surprise me everyday. Speaking of beautiful girls, where’s Rosie. I’ve haven’t seen her all night,” Tom quickly trying to change the subject as they were at a party.

“I saw her a few minutes ago,” you said as a puzzled look grew on her face.

“Come on, let’s go find her and maybe you and I can sneak off for awhile.” He said cheekily.

“Tommy,” you whispered but eventually agreed. Slowly making your way out of the main ballroom to the secret garden next to his office.

Walking very slyly, you both made your way to secret spot near Tom’s office. Where ivy had grown throughout the brick and purple and yellow tulips lined the fence along with giant trees. There was a little wishing fountain that Tom had installed when you moved in, this was their secret spot. One where they could forget about all the violence and responsibility that tainted their lives.

Their intimate moment was ruined when Rosie walked by with some random guy named Connor, not the person she’d hope to bring there. All throughout the night Rosie seemed to be jealous of the attention her crush was getting at the party as he didn’t pay attention to her. Thus, she went find a distraction of her own.

“Oh hey, shh, look two people getting it on over there,” he whispered to her as she dragged him outside.

“Please don’t be my brother.” She murmured but felt like she wanted to throw up when she saw who it was.

“Mom, dad?” Rosie screamed.

“Oh shit, we’ve been busted,” Tom muttered against your neck.

“Hey honey,” You said while Rosie was completely mortified. Rosie’s potential hookup stood there mouth wide open.

“That’s your mum, god, she’s a babe.” Connor said.

“Connor, not helping.” Rosie exclaimed sternly as she pinched his side.

Tom spoke up, “Why don’t you guys go back and enjoy the rest of the party.”

Rosie just nodded and left as fast as humanly possible. She never wants to be that embarrassed again.

“Oh my god, we were gonna get it later.” You said.

“I know, we really screwed up this time. But have you had “the talk” with her yet,” Tom asked.

“Nope, we should both really get on that. What would I’ve happened if they hadn’t caught us?” You asked jokingly.

“I don’t want to think about that Y/N! She’s our daughter.” Tom exclaimed.

“Neither do I.”

“Enough of this, where were we?” Tom interjected immediately changing the subject.

“Well you lips were on my neck and you hand was on my waist, but I think the moment has passed and we should get back to the party,” you said rather seductively.

“Fine, I know you’re right. But fuck, I just want to make out with my wife,” Tom muttered frustratingly.

“Well you can later... in bed.” Winking as you chuckled.

“Man, that kid was right, you are a babe.”he said as he slapped your ass as you walked in front of him chuckling.

“Is it time for cake?” Harrison asks as he came up to Tom and you.

“I think it is.” Tom said and you nodded. Walking towards Rosie, who was desperately trying to erase her self from existence because of the embarrassment she’d experienced a minute ago.

“Hi, honey. Can you please go find your brother? We are going to cut the cake.” You said trying not to accidentally bring up the elephant in the room.

“Alright, fine,” Rosie muttered still a little peeved finding you and Tom like that. Rosie searched high and low for Parker.

Needing some assistance she asked Henry. “Hey, have you seen my brother?”

“Last I saw he was taking Charlotte to the green house” Henry responded.

“Alright, come on, let’s go find them” Rosie said rolling her eyes. Her hand slipped into Henry’s as she led the way. Making their way through the vast yet gorgeous yard. Rosie and Henry found Parker and Charlottes lips entangled together and bodies in a compromising position in the green house

“For fucks sake, how many people am I going to find sucking face at this party.” Rosie yelled, startling Charlotte and Parker.

“What the fuck do you want, Rosie? Can’t you see I’m busy.” Parker quipped annoyingly.

“Mom and dad want to cut the cake” Rosie responded.

“Ugh fine. Give us 10 mins” knowing he will be finished in that time.

“No, you can fuck your bimbo of a girlfriend later.” Rosie said, receiving a grimace from Charlotte.

“Don’t you fucking talk about her like that! Fuck off!” Parker yelled as Henry and Rosie left. Both of the kids had inherited Tom’s angry side.

“Well, you can explain to mom and dad you were late because you were balls deep in in your whore,” Rosie said walking away.

The moments leading up to the end of Parker’s innocence were fleeting. In more ways than one. He wasn’t a virgin even before that evening but, Parker could imagine the task he was supposed to accomplish. The 3 tier chocolate raspberry ganache cake had been cut and distributed to the guests. Happy birthday had been sung to Rosie and Parker. Parker tried to go off with Charlotte again, but Harrison stopped him and brought him to the Tom’s office.

“They’re in there,” Harrison whispered.

“Who?” Parker asked Harrison who was like his uncle.

“Just go,” Parker opened the door to see his mother and his dad sat behind the desk. The door shut behind him.

“Mom? Dad? What’s going on here?” Parker hesitated.

“Son, sit down,” Tom said, knowing this wasn’t going to be easy.

“We have to talk to you.” You interjected.

“Parker, as part of this family, there are certain responsibilities you have to take. It is a tradition in our family that at the age of 16, the sons are brought to light about the dealings of our family and what is expected of you,” Tom said as Parker grew wary. Not really understanding what his parents were trying to convey.

Throughout his entire life, he had his suspicions about his family. Wondering why men followed them everywhere, even on trips to the store for eggs. Why his parents went to work but have never seen their office, only heard it referred to as “the warehouse.” Why everything was always so damm secretive. Scared if he accidentally let some enormous family secret slip with his big mouth there would be repercussions. Never not scared of the harm that could come to his family.

“Your father, is the leader of a very powerful mob. I am part of it too, not just as wife but as his partner. There will be day when he will longer be in position of boss and you will take over,” you asserted playing off of Tom’s words.

“Our family is not only the owners of one of the world’s richest exporting company, we also do business with casinos and own multiple hotel chains. Sometimes our work brings us above the law, but the connections we have are what keep us alive.” Tom explained trying to preserve his son’s innocence.

“Why are you telling me all this?” Parker stuttered.

“Because it is time. Time for you to step up and take your place in this family. You’ve had 16 years of juvenile fun and now this is what has to be done.” Tom concluded.

“What if I don’t want this life. You don’t think I don’t know what happens behind closed doors here. All the times dad has come home with a black eye or blood on his knuckles. Why fuck isn’t Rosie here? She is the same age as me, WE ARE TWINS! Why am I the only one who has to do this. I don’t want to kill for sport like you and mom!” Parker screamed. He couldn’t handle this anymore. There was too much information he had to process.

“Do not raise your voice at your mother! Tom screamed.

“Dad, I had dreams and hopes. I wanted to go to college and travel. Find a nice girl and marry her. Experience the kind of love you and mom have. What you are asking me to do, flushes all that away. You are asking me to give up on my life.

So that’s it, I don’t have a choice,” Parker begged.

“Baby, you have a choice. Nothing is set in stone,” you said rubbing his arm.

“Y/N, you damm well know what will happen if he turns this down,” Tom yelled.

“Maybe this life works for you two, but I don’t want this kind of life. My answer is no. Find someone else.”

“Parker, you know I can’t do that. Take a couple days and think about it” Tom answered trying to stay calm.

“NO DAD! My answer is final, I’m not going to be your apprentice to carry on this heinous family legacy!” Parker exploded. It was too much.

“If you aren’t willing to do what is asked of you, then you can forget about being in this family!” Tom screamed. He did exactly what he said he wouldn’t, he gave his son an ultimatum. Parker couldn’t handle it anymore and left. Needing to forget about the fact he no longer had a say. He was stuck.

It was just Tom and you sitting in the study. They couldn’t understand where the conversation had gone. All their hopes for tonight went out the window along with potted plant Tom threw when Parker stormed out.

“Tom, you can’t force him. You can’t do what your father did to you to him.” You tried to say in a loving tone but it came out as stern.

“IM NOT, Y/N!!!” Tom screamed. He had fucked up. The words spoken tonight have rewritten his relationship with his son.

“Alright.” You whispered trying to calm your fuming husband down.

“I’m sorry I raised my voice, baby.” Tom’s tone immediately changed once he heard the softness of your voice. You just nodded in response

“Tommy?” You asked hoping Tom was now ok.

“Yes, love” Tom said.

“He’ll come around. I can promise you that.”

“I know, darling. That’s not what I’m worried about.”

“Then what?” a look of confusion grew on your face.

He handed you a paper, the same one that was found on Daniel’s body, saying “Eclipsing of the Hollands. Let the show begin. Better watch your back.”

It was threat. A play to eventually be made on his life or the life of his family and you all had no idea who was behind it.

Guns, Glamour, and Goodfellas Series Masterlist

[stina-is-a-punk-rocker]

jacqueline wilson’s ‘love lessons’

tw: abuse, pedophilia, characters making Bad Decisions, long unnecessary spiel about my childhood like I’m running a recipe blog

It’s funny how loads of the authors who helped shaped me into the vaguely humanoid being I am today have names beginning with the letter ‘J’; Judy Blume, Jeff Kinney, John Green, J.K. Rowling (yikes, I know) … and Jacqueline Wilson.

I’ve never owned a Jacqueline Wilson book of my own; they were always borrowed from a friend, or from a friend of a friend, or from a friend of a cousin- you get the gist. Her books, for me, come with an entire aesthetic: something reminiscent of yard sales, and reading under the covers with a flashlight, and being lulled into a false sense of security by the deceptively innocent Nick Sharratt illustration on the cover until someone’s best friend gets mowed over.

So I knew what I was getting into when I picked up Love Lessons. I knew this was going to be Fucked Up; and boy, was I right.

(Here’s the part where I warn you about spoilers.)

From an abusive dad to creepy child predator teachers to slut-shaming and victim blaming, this book has it all.

The main character is Prudence ‘Prue’ King, who is homeschooled at the beginning of the book, along with her sister, Grace. Their parents remain rooted in the early twentieth century, and are very strict about- well, everything. No TV, no computers, not a single mobile phone in the house; their clothing worse than the orphans’ from Annie; and their father remains distinctly distrustful of modern institutions like the school and the hospital; and so on, and so forth.

Daddy King suffers a stroke, and has to be taken to the hospital. Meanwhile, Mrs. King (a floppy, spineless woman who lives in fear and awe of her, frankly horrid, husband) sends the girls to school, behind the then invalid Mr. King’s back. Cue Prue and Grace being the freakshows of the school, with their strange clothing and overbearing mother.

Grace manages to make friends, but Prue remains alone. The kids are dicks, the teachers are dicks… well, all of them but one. And that’s the art teacher, Mr. Raxberry (I just couldn’t get over that name; it seems like something you’d name a mythical plant from Pixie Hollow or some shit. I’m assuming it isn’t an actual name, since the spelling & grammar check on my computer doesn’t seem to recognize it), or Rax, as he’s called.

Oh, yeah; Prudence’s favorite subject in school is art, and she’s a whiz at it. This is relevant, because reasons.

And here’s where stuff gets murky. Prue develops a crush on Rax- which is perfectly normal. I’m definitely no stranger to it; I’ve had crushes on my teachers, my mum admitted she used to think one of her professors was cute. And yeah, as I grew older, I grew out of those crushes and now have a markedly more refined taste in men (unless he’s 5’ 7’’, born in ’97 and named Bang Chan, I don’t want him); and my mum married my dad, so I’m assuming she did, too. Admittedly, now that my dad teaches at a university, it’s icky to think that there might be students who have crushes on him- but I digress.

My point is, loads of us have liked our teachers. But I doubt the majority of us have acted on it.

And Prue actively showing her interest in Rax isn’t the worst part. That’s a spot reserved for Rax reciprocating her feelings.

Guess Ezra Fitz and Ms. Grundy (yes, I watched Riverdale; please don’t cancel me) have a new addition to the Creep Club.

The age of consent in the UK is 16, if I’m not mistaken. Prue is 14. She’s just barely become a teenager, and she’s being preyed upon.

Because that is what Rax is. He’s a predator; he preys upon this vulnerable girl who’s never been in a relationship before- hell, she’s never even had friends- her father’s abusive, so she obviously doesn’t have the best experience when it comes to men- she’s unpopular at school, with the students and staff alike- and he lures her in. I don’t care how bloody nice he is to Sarah, or what a good dad he is (well, he’s really not, seeing as he cheated on the mother of his children WITH A BLOODY FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD CHILD)- the guy’s a fucking pedophile.

I was staunchly stuck at a yellow light with him; like, sure, maybe Prue thinks he’s flirting with her- maybe she’s looking at this all wrong, she doesn’t know how relationships work- see, he drew a picture of Sarah, too, in his secret notebook- Prue’s just reading into this too much- up until he says he loves her.

Dude. Humbert fucking Humbert. She’s fourteen, for Christ’s sake, and you’re married. You have two children. She’s a child. She’s probably closer to your son’s age than she is to yours.

(This is the part where I bury my head in my pillow. And scream. Extensively, and with passion.)

The book does make some genuinely good commentary on slut-shaming and victim blaming and abusive parenting. And on one hand, I can see why so many people find issue with the romanticization of the when I kissed the teacher trope- but I can defend it, too.

The book is in Prue’s perspective. She thinks she’s in love with Rax, so obviously, she’s not going to throw in some valuable moral at the end- because she’s too young and inexperienced to think otherwise. And sadly, there are loads of instances of child abuse that go unreported because the victims just don’t know better.

What I have issue with is how the school dealt with it, ultimately. Prudence, a child, has to deal with the consequences of the actions of a literal child predator. Sure, Rax ‘clears his name’ by cooking up some bullshit story about how it was only a crush and he didn’t encourage it, but you’d think other adults would know better and, oh, I dunno- dig deeper into it, instead of blaming it on a child?

“She says you told Mr. Raxberry you loved him and he held you in his arms and fondled you.”

Which Prudence denies, because, again, she doesn’t know better. She then goes on to say that they did nothing wrong. To which the adult speaking to her, in this case, the principal, Miss Wilmott, goes on to say:

“I’m not sure that’s entirely true… I feel that there are some aspects of your friendship that could be considered inappropriate.”

FYI, lady, he kissed her- multiple times (not that kissing her once makes him any more redeemable), and told her he loved her, and admitted to fantasizing about running away with her and leaving his family behind. Fun fact: do you know Prudence is underage?

You’d think that Miss Wilmott would maybe give this whole fiasco a favorable ending, but it turns out she listens to school gossip;

“I haven’t been at all happy with your attitude. You don’t seem to understand how to behave in school. I’ve heard tales of unsuitable underwear and then a silly romance with one of the boys in your class. I feel that in the space of a few short weeks you’ve made rather a bad name for yourself… I don’t know whether you intend to be deliberately insolent but you certainly come across as an unpleasantly opinionated and arrogant girl… I can’t help feeling that you’ll be much better off elsewhere. I shall try hard to engineer a suitable transfer to another school.”

And then she comes out with this gem:

“If you won’t leave, then I shall have to ensure that Mr. Raxberry finds another position.”

“No, you can’t do that! He’s a brilliant teacher.”

“You should have thought of that before you started acting in this ridiculous and precocious manner. If I were another kind of headteacher, I would have Mr. Raxberry instantly suspended. There could even be a court case. He would not only lose his job, he could find himself in very serious trouble. Did you ever stop to think about that?”

Girlboss, gaslight and gatekeep. The fucking trifecta.

Also, by ‘another kind of headteacher’, does she mean the kind of headteacher WHO DOESN’T LET CHILD PREDATORS ROAM FREELY WITHIN THEIR HALLS?

This bitch is out here blaming a child, a literal child, for the crimes of an adult man.

The only time Prue seems aware of the fact that Mr. Raxberry is actually a very shit person is her immediate thoughts that follow after she tells Miss Wilmott she’ll take the fall;

I so wanted to save darling Rax- and yet why hadn’t he wanted to save me? Had he told Miss Wilmott it was all my fault, that I’d got a ridiculous crush on him, that I’d made ludicrous advances to him? … I wanted to tell this horrible, patronizing woman how hungrily he’d kissed me, but I couldn’t do it. I loved him. I had to help him.

NO, SWEETHEART; YOU MOST DEFINITELY DO NOT.

And maybe I’m going overboard with all these excerpts, but here’s what Rax has to tell Prue, after school, following her expulsion:

“I let her think the worst of you, the best of me, just to save my skin. I said it was ridiculous talking about a love affair between us. I said you simply had a crush on me, and that I was just trying to be kind… You were brave enough to stand up to me and force me to acknowledge the truth… I love you… That’s why I had to take a risk and see you this one last time. I didn’t want you to think I didn’t care… Every night when I close my eyes, I’ll think of us together in this car and how badly I wanted to drive off with you. I’ll imagine us walking hand in hand at the water’s edge… I wish I wasn’t such a coward.”

(I burrow into the pillow further. I’m trying to suffocate myself.)

And that’s where I think Wilson went wrong. Sure, Prudence getting expelled for something that was completely out of her hands is unfair, and horrible, but it’s real. That shit can happen.

What’s bad is showing Rax in a positive light after all that. If only Wilson had written Rax to not be the Romeo he thinks he is. Make him ignore Prudence, throw her under the bus in front of her face, instead of this star-crossed lovers bullshit it’s made out to be. Show your younger audience that Rax is not a good man. I’ve got a little over two weeks left for my twentieth; I can see why this is unacceptable. But I was a little younger than Prue when I watched Pretty Little Liars, and my only gripe with Aria dating Ezra was that Noel Kahn was so much cuter.

It shows when you scroll down the Goodreads reviews; you’ve got adults giving it one or two stars, and teenagers giving it four or five, with their biggest complaints being, “but Toby was cuter!!!”

Other non-pedophilia related complaints regarding the book include: Prudence being unlikable- which I didn’t really notice, considering she reacted to some people way better than I would’ve, even at 19 (which probably says a lot more about me than it does about Prue, but oh well). Still, Prudence obviously isn’t the most prudent of people- and again, she’s fourteen. Look me in eye and tell me you weren’t an arsehole at that age (unless you’re fourteen now, in which case, I assure you that you’ll look back on yourself someday and go ‘wtf was I thinking’). Bringing up Toby’s dyslexia in an argument was low, though.

There were people who thought the Kings’ almost-Amish lifestyle was exaggerated and unrealistic, but I assure you, it may very well be real. There are 8 billion people on the world- it’s fair to assume that several of them are complete weirdos.

Grace was a sweet character, and I adored her with every fiber of my being. As were her friends Iggy and Figgy. Honestly, I would’ve loved a book about Iggy, Figgy and Piggy’s (mis)adventures too.

[thatsbucknasty]

she used to be mine (x) waitress au

summary: Inspired by the broadway musical. Y/N Beck is a pie baking force to be reckoned with. She’s pregnant with her lazy ass husband, Quentin Beck’s baby. As everything around her turns upside down, Doctor James Buchanan Barnes charms his way into her life.

pairing: Y/N x Bucky

tags are closed

chapter 10: I didn’t plan it

Two months pass and I realize it’s only a matter of weeks before I meet my baby girl. I’ve been working hard to save more money but I’m still not even close to the amount I’m gonna need for the birth AND the divorce. It’s been really hard to put my pride aside and accept the help my friends offer, I guess I’m used to being left to my own devices since I was very young. But I love my little family. Bucky and Sam drive me home every night after closing and Wanda has been bringing me gifts for the baby. Nat’s contact will be handling my divorce and she said they would give us a payment plan so that it won’t be so difficult to pay all at once. I still don’t understand how that’s gonna work but I trust her. She’s being very strange though, but Natasha’s one of those people who deal with issues on their own and compartmentalizes everything. Still, I’m worried about her. I guess I can’t judge her, we’re the same in that department.

Old Nick hasn’t been around much lately, says he’s taking care of his health. Guess my pies aren’t the healthiest meal for an eighty-something year old man. Maybe I should start adding more vegetables to my own diet, I’m creating life inside of me after all.

-

“Hey boys, what can I getcha?” Wanda flirts with Steve at the counter and Bucky laughs, he seems to be getting used to their corny, slightly inappropriate conversations.

“Oh I don’t know, sweetheart. What’s the special pie today?” Steve flirts back at her.

“Well, Y/N made her famous ‘Slutty brownie pie’ today and if you want, I could make it even sluttier-”

“Guys! Not in front of my salad, please!” Sam scolds them and Bucky’s just laughing at Steve’s red cheeks. Wanda rolls her eyes at him and motions Steve to follow her away from the group.

I come out of the kitchen ready to leave and see Steve and Wanda making out in the far corner of the counter, while Bucky and Sam talk about an AC/DC concert they both attended back when they didn’t know each other. Sam’s also taking care of his diet it seems, but Bucky’s stuffing his mouth with my brownie pie. I don’t actually understand how he can eat so much and still look absolutely stunning.

“Guys! Keep it in your pants. It’s movie night, we’re leaving!” I scold them and Steve’s blush has reached his ears and neck at this point.

“Thank you! I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who thinks those two are such horny teenagers”. Sam throws his hands in the air and hangs his apron, ready to go.

“I think they’re adorable, but I’m tired and hungry, and I don’t want any more pie today so let’s go, where’s Nat?” I look around trying to find the redhead.

“She said she needed to be alone tonight but she’ll be at the party tomorrow”. Wanda says and we share the same worried look on our eyes.

“Oh, okay. Shall we?”

We get to Bucky’s apartment and today’s pick is on Steve cause tomorrow’s his birthday. He chooses 1986’s Labyrinth. We order pizza and sushi and enjoy the magical spectacle on the screen.

I can’t stop thinking about my divorce and all the bills that are waiting for me in the future. Raising a child isn’t cheap. Bucky holds my hand at one point, under the blanket that we’re sharing. I guess he senses my worry and tries to make it go away. I’m glad he does. Lately I’ve just been letting myself fall for him because fighting against it it’s a lost cause. He’s the sweetest guy, brings me home safely anytime he’s able to, he cares about my friends and most importantly, he’s patient and doesn’t rush me to do anything I’m not ready to do. His parents raised him right, what’s a girl supposed to do?

-

Next day is organized chaos, thanks to Wanda and her frantic need for everything to be perfect. She really loves Steve and he’s a good guy. They deserve each other, truly.

Nat’s helping Sam hang decorations around Wanda’s backyard. It’s a mixture of 4th of July colors and Happy Birthday signs. We’re not doing the whole fireworks thing, since Wanda’s birthday present for Steve wouldn’t like the noise. But there’s a flatscreen set up to watch them on tv.

I’m in the kitchen, chopping some tomatoes for a pico de gallo I’m making. Bucky’s setting up the barbecue outside and I can see him from the window. He keeps messing it up and starting again, making the funniest, exasperated faces. I told him Steve could do it in no time but he insisted he’s the birthday boy and should just enjoy this day.

Speaking of Steve, he’s on his way. It ain’t a surprise party but we still wanted to set everything up before he got here.

-

We’re all enjoying the cool summer breeze, watching football on a projector Wanda set up in the backyard, we have hotdogs and guacamole and chips, the guys have beer which of course I can’t have, but Bucky was kind enough to make me an entire jug of pink lemonade just for me. I’m not really interested in the game, to be honest and my bladder is full so I separate myself from Buck and look around to realize Natasha isn’t here. Since this is not my house and I need to find the restroom I ask Wanda for some help instead and we enter the house together. 

She points me to the toilet and I open the door to find Nat and Sam wrapped around each other, half naked.

“OH MY GOD! What’s happening here?!” I immediately cover my eyes and close the door.

“Y/N, you’re okay? What is it? Don’t tell me you found a rat cause I hate them so much, Gosh I told Steve we should’ve done this at my place, is way cleaner”.

“I- I- no- um. It’s not a rat it’s a- um. I’m sorry-”

“Y/N! Let me explain-” Natasha comes out the restroom with her blouse half buttoned up, makeup almost completely ruined.

“I don’t- I don’t need you to expla- can somebody please lead me to another bathroom or something? I’m about to piss myself!”

“Sure, honey, let’s go”. Wanda grabs me, she apparently understands what’s going on, looking at Nat’s disheveled state and brings me upstairs to another room.

-

“What’s going on? I heard the girls yell”. Bucky enters the house and sees Sam and Nat cornered in the kitchen, looking like they’ve seen a ghost.

“Nothing, man. I think it’s time for me to leave. Say happy birthday to Steve for me”. Sam kisses Nat on the cheek and leaves the house.

“Wha- Natasha, are you okay?” Bucky stands there awkwardly, trying to break the tension.

“I’m fine, but the girls and I need to talk privately. Would you distract Steve for us? He doesn’t need to hear about this. Tell him we’re talking about pregnancy stuff with Y/N or something”.

“Oh-kay? Are you sure you’re alright though, you seem-”

“I’m fine, Bucky. Now go talk to Steve, he’s out there alone on his birthday”.

“Well, he looks fine! He’s watching the Patriots destroy the- Okay got it, see you later”. Bucky awkwardly scurries down to the kitchen and grabs a couple more beers and brings them outside.

-

“Knock-knock”. Natasha enters Steve’s bedroom and sees Wanda sitting on the bed.

“Hey”.

“Hey. Y/N still peeing?”

“I don’t think so. But I think she’s crying”.

“God she’s always so dramatic”.

“Hey! You should’ve told us! Do you know how worried about you we’ve been? We thought you were sick or something! Not wanting to hang out with us. We were supposed to plan a baby shower for her by now but you’ve been M.I.A.”.

“ I know, and I’m sorry”. Nat sighs and knocks on the bathroom door.

“Y/N, come out. We know you’re done so let’s go. We need to talk”.

-

I wipe my tears. I don’t know why I feel betrayed. Sam and Nat are my best friends, I should be happy for them. Damn hormones making me cry like a little baby every time something’s out of place.

“Hey”. I sniff and open the door to see Natasha rolling her eyes at me.

“Why the hell are you crying?”

“Oh I’m sorry for being a hormonal mess but seeing two of my best friends, one of them who’s married by the way, making out like horny teenagers would definitely cause me some distress!”

“Uh huh, and how is this any different to you and Bucky holding hands and making eyes at each other every single minute? May I remind you, you’re still married too!”

“Oh my God, Natasha, you did not! I’m getting a divorce, you know that!”

“Yeah, I know. And I understand and not make a fuss about it, until you decide to judge me for the exact same thing you’ve been doing!”

“Why- ah. Sorry, I know I’m looking like a complete hypocrite right now. It’s just- you guys are my friends and you’ve been acting so strange lately, it had me so worried and I feel like I could’ve been there for you, just as much as you’ve been there for me. You guys are my sisters”.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But Sam and I wanted to figure out what we wanted first and you know how I am. I fall down the rabbit hole and I keep it to myself cause I’m too proud to admit I’m weak”.

“Natasha, please. You’re anything BUT weak. You’re the one who’s always showing us how strong we really are!” Wanda chimes in and holds both mine and Nat’s hands in hers.

“Okay girls, listen up, from now on we need to make a pact that whenever one of us starts to close off from each other, we will make an intervention for that person and keep ourselves accountable for our shitty ways to cope with men, and life, and money problems, and cleaning obsessions, is that clear?” Nat kisses the top of my head and Wanda laughs at her declaration.

Somehow I feel like everything’s about to change, hopefully for the better.

-

chapter 11: she used to be mine

[pleaseleavemetowrite]

All my troubles on the burning pile | Tomas Shelby

warning! I don’t know all that much about the show, I’ve seen a total of 1 season so if anything is wrong please just ignore it for the sake of the fic

this also takes place before the events of the show, like significantly before. Also Tommy is probably ooc but idk i like it 

Also if (Y/n) is annoying at some points just please keep in mind that during some parts she’s literally a six year old 

———————————————————————

Small Heath remembered the day the men got sent away for war vividly. Boys were swept away from their families arms far too young, Fathers were dragged away from their children, and lovers were ripped away from each other some old and some young. It's hard to forget a day like that. But that is only increased when a roaring fire illuminated for what seemed to be miles from the old field where it originated.  Some would tell you it seemed like hellfire, nothing but retaliation from a stupid teenager who felt too much and didn't have enough discipline. Others would tell you it was a heartbreaking scene, a pitiful display of how everyone felt to some capacity. But only (Y/n) would be able to tell you how it really was, an explosion of too much yet not enough. Like being in a limbo where nothing feels real but the consequences do. 

She remembered her friends telling her to go as it looked dreadful but she told them to simply get lost if they didn't like it, then telling her youngest brother to just go home and tell mum that she'll be back soon. Then as pitch black settled in the sky, she remembers Ada Shelby approaching her, the fire building in intensity and height, and simply pulling her close. Hugging her. And (Y/n) broke. All the rage bubbling up became still and transformed to immense despair, tying her insides into knots and clouding everything. She felt cold despite the building heat of the flames that danced in the air. 

Ada rubbed circles in the older girls skin, soothing her slightly. Ada already missed her brothers dearly and couldn't imagine how (Y/n) was feeling. With the idea of marriage going from a realistic event to something that couldn't even be guaranteed, (Y/n) was going to have a few rough years ahead of her if she carried on the way she was. 

"Always the firebug, eh?" The nickname easily slipped out the younger girl's mouth. (Y/n)'s mouth slightly uplifted at the familiar nickname. (Y/n) had known the Shelby family ever since she was young with her being the same age as Tommy and seemingly clinging to the boy like glue it was inevitable she would grow attached to the rest of the family like they did to her in return. However, that doesn't mean that they were exempt from the surprise that was her impromptu fire starting but after knowing (Y/n) for a while to became easy for them to guess when a fire was upon them. And because of this, the nickname of firebug seemed to be obvious. 

The Shelby family remembers the day that (Y/n) started her first fire in the abandoned field. She was no older 6. Having grabbed a hold of a lighter from god knows where and gathering as many sticks as she could and setting them aflame. However, it also turns out that children don't know a lot about how lighters or how fast a fire can spread. So, (Y/n) accidently sprung the lighter to life again and burned her hand, dropping the lighter and setting the dead grass alight a long with it. And while (Y/n) couldn't stop the screams that escaped her she also couldn't stop the excitement she felt from seeing the flames lick at the ground. And coincidently, Tommy had gone looking for the girl as she had been gone for around an hour which wouldn't have been strange for other people their age, but (Y/n) wasn't normal. She practically wouldn't leave him be until the sunset and they were called to their respective houses, so her sudden absence was a little worrying for the young boy. And he ran as fast he could once he heard the familiar shriek he had grown to know in the short time he had known her. 

There she was, the lighter on the burning floor as she backed away from the flames that seemed to follow her until she bumped into someone. She was startled and feared being in trouble so she quickly turned around and seemed relived to find Tommy, her new best friend. She quickly hugged the shorter boy, "My hero! It's too bad I'm taller then you." Tommy rolled his eyes, "What is that!?" He nodded at the fire.

Despite her previous comment, (Y/n) suddenly felt quite small. The fear of losing her new friend gripped at her, making her small limbs lock up. "It doesn't matter ok! It's alwayyys rainy so it will be gone soon anyway, so stop being stupid." (Y/n) suddenly became defensive, gripping her burned hand but stopping once she remembered how much it hurt. And suddenly, (Y/n) began to cry as she realized it may not rain and she will in fact get in trouble and damn did her hand hurt. Tommy became alarmed at her sudden tears, and noticed her hand. "You don't need to cry! Can't your mum just help your hand." "But Tommy! What if it doesn't rain." Tommy was now confused he didn't see what the rain had to do with the burn on her hand. 

But that didn't matter either, as with seeming perfect timing, it began to rain. Heavily. This relieved the girl, seeming to not care about her injury anymore. Tommy however, did still care and insisted on walking her to her house despite his house being on the other end of the street. This then lead to (Y/n) having a bandage on her hand and Tommy having a cold for a week. It was then that the Shelby's and (L/n)'s knew it wouldn't be the last time something like that happened. 

One incident that not everyone knew about was yet another fire that was caused by (Y/n) at around 15. She had once again decided she wanted fire but this time Tommy was by her side, holding a box of broken items. Some of them belonging to the pair some it being something neither of them seemed to fully recognize. "You can't keep at this you know, someone will catch you one day and doubt they will forgive you so easily." Tommy said, his voice even, he wasn't mad at her. He just knew of what may happen if she is caught by someone other then him or his brothers. (Y/n) nodded as the fire sprung to life, and gestured for Tommy to throw the box in. Wordlessly, Tommy threw it in.

However, due to the density of some of the times, not everything in the box was catching fire. So carefully, Tommy began to kick the box trying to make it catch. But he didn't seem to see that it worked and that the flames were growing. (Y/n) panicking, pulled Tommy back and watched as the fire grew right where he was previously. Tommy looked down at her in gratitude as she looked away, as although she would never say it aloud she had been harboring feelings for Tommy for some time now. And before she could say anything, Tommy said, "My hero! too bad I'm taller then you." A grin tugging at his lips as he saw (Y/n) begin to laugh in disbelief at the vaguely familiar statement. "Thomas Shelby! you tosser." She gently pushed him, laughing lightly.  

"Well there goes all my troubles on the burning pile." (Y/n) said smiling, as Tommy wrapped his arm around her shoulder, tugging her body towards his. "And if you catch fire?" Tommy asked, despite the statement being extremely hypocritical from him because of what had just had happened. "Then I'll change my aim and throw my woes at the world instead." (Y/n) said gazing into the flames in front of her. "I wouldn't expect anything less." Silence followed Tommy's statement. It was comforting, as the cool summers evening began to start its slow conclusion, the warmth of the fire fought any possible cold breeze and the two teenagers stayed close and unaware the other was trying to ignore their feelings. 

However, it seems that their feelings were too much to simply move aside as that very night the pair confessed, much to their friends and families' relief. 

(Y/n) was pulled out of her reminiscent daze when Ada asked, "What are you burning?" "My troubles." Ada seemed to understand the vague statement. "I assume soon you'll be burning letters that "aren't quite right" soon?" Ada asked a light teasing tone in her voice in a hope to lighten the mood. It seemed to work as (Y/n) replied, "And you expected anything less?" Ada lightly shook her head as she smiled at the woman she'd grown to see as a sister. "He'll be back one day (Y/n)" "Well I sure hope so the tosser still has to make me his wife." 

The two young women laughed, still worried for the future but feeling better then they did before. 

[wipodu-ao3]

Finding peace - a HTTYD fanfiction

Read the first chapter on Ao3. Join the Discord!

A Hiccup runs away AU, follows the second movie closely at the end.

Summary:

Any fight he had in him drained. He looked into her eyes again, finding only understanding there, she put an arm around him, giving him a side hug.

“I understand,” she said, her voice soft, “but Hiccup, you can’t keep avoiding that place, for your own sake, we have done this many times, spying on Berk is nothing new."

Chapters: 59      Words:109,489

[Complete]

“When are you getting him out of my home? You know we can never be at peace with them”

“We can! All you need to do is understand!”

“Stop with those foolish thoughts, the sooner the monsters go back to where they belong the sooner everything will go back to how it belongs!”

“How is it better than the future we could have together with them?”

“It just is!”

“Well it wasn’t better for me!”

“This isn’t about you, end of discussion, son”

“It never is, it never was and it will never be about me, dad, not to you or anyone”

“I’m sorry son”

“I’m not”

Hiccup’s eyes shot open, yet he remained laying still, he was used to the nightmares at this point. Five years had passed from that day, and he wasn’t alone anymore, yet the nightmares still hadn’t let him rest, and he knew they wouldn’t until he went back to talk to his father. He could do it right now, go talk to him and be free to rest, but he wasn’t ready, and he would never be ready by this rate, the hurt still too present for him to forgive, let alone forget.

He blinked the sleep out of his eyes. It was still dark outside his small hut, but he knew he won’t get any more sleep that night. Toothless was still sleeping on his slab, so trying not to make too much noise Hiccup slipped outside of his hut and went to the cliff side his home was on, and sat down. Being alone with his thoughts wasn’t his favorite pastime, but with Toothless and everyone else still asleep he didn’t have much of a choice.

He looked down to his small village. His village of six people, including himself. Six for now at least. By the weeks end there will only be two of them left. Hilda and Toke decided to move to join the Defenders of the Wing village as they were expecting a child, and with Hiccup’s insistence that his island wasn’t fit for a baby, joining Mala and her people was the best for them. The young couple were also taking a little boy, Ulf, and his sister, Frida, with them. The two kids that Hiccup himself found abandoned after their tribe was wiped out because of a land dispute. After they leave only Hiccup and Storm will be left on the island that they call their hideout. They and the dragons of course.

Storm, the one who managed to make Hiccup believe in himself. She was fierce, dedicated, kind-hearted and she was the sister Hiccup wished he had back on Berk. She was the only person he interacted with regularly and Hiccup himself sometimes couldn’t believe they were so alike, both appearance and personality wise. Apart from the unconditional love for dragons, they had a peg leg each, their hair color was almost identical, Mala was even convinced that they were siblings the first few times they’ve seen her. Their sense of humor was the same, and with Toothless’ contribution, they’ve annoyed more than a few dragon hunters with their dry sarcasm. The more he thought about it, the more he was convinced that Storm’s just a human Toothless and, as strange as it sounds, that thought comforted him. Storm had once said that the four of them were family in everything but blood, he, Toothless and she were three siblings and Shadow, Storm’s Skrill, was like the grumpy uncle everyone loved.

“What’s up Chief?”

Hiccup startled, not having heard her approach while he was lost deep in thought. He looks her over, looking for any wounds that might be obvious, having found nothing he relaxed. Storm made her way the short distance that separated them and handed him a cup filled with mead while sitting down next to him.

“So, what’s up Chief? Why are you out on your own in the middle of the night?”

“Oh, you know, nightmares.”

“Oh I do know, want to talk about it?”

“No really, I’d rather hear what news you have, considering you were gone for five days and didn’t immediately go to your hut to bathe, you have something to tell me.” Storm sighed deeply, and Hiccup turned his head towards her, looking into her eyes, knowing that whatever she was going to tell him he won’t like. He sees her eyes filled with sadness and he dreaded what she had to say.

“Okay, so first some good news!” she started, genuine excitement filling her voice. “The Wingmaidens are all good, no dragon hunters have come near their island, so they’re safe. Mala is getting ready to welcome Hilda and the others to her home, she said that they’ll be having a small feast and she’ll introduce them to her people during it, so they feel welcome, she even invited Dagur, and Heather already confirmed that she’ll be there, Mala also expects us to stay at least for a while after we accompany the young family there.” She stopped, taking a sip out of her cup, the excitement gone from her voice completely as she continued, this time about a topic he knew would be a sore spot for him.

“Berk, well umm, Berk was trying to capture a Nadder when I stopped there, I mean they managed to capture it, but that’s why I was a day late, I waited until it got dark and set the dragon free. B-but, Hiccup, the men that were capturing the Nadder were-were careful with him, they were saying things like ‘don’t hurt it’, ‘make sure that the wings are not straining’ and, fuck, I-I just don’t understand, I mean, you know that this isn’t the first time this happened” she trailed off, voice growing quiet, unsure, like she didn’t understand what they were trying to do, and truth be told she didn’t.

Hiccup didn’t understand either, what Storm said confused him, truly this wasn’t the first time that the Hooligans have tried to capture and not harm dragons, the ones who come to the island at least. They never went searching for dragons, and that made the occasional job of keeping dragons away from Berk, and its people, easier.

Hiccup didn’t trust those people near a dragon, wild or not. Especially after the reaction he got after storming out after the last argument he had with his father, he could never forget the fear and disgust that he saw in the people’s eyes. The way he saw every one of those hands grip one weapon or another, he still remembered the teenagers, he finally thought to be his friends, standing there with heads hung low, not daring to look at the runt that saved their lives. He remembered Astrid and how her father had to keep a hand around her because she was trying to go to him, the desperation in her eyes clear as day.

He remembered just walking into the woods with Toothless by his side, not saying a word, not looking back even once. Finding a bag with Toothless’ prosthetic fin, a saddle, all his notes that he had left in the forge and letters from Astrid and Gobber was also memorable. He had nightmares about that sometimes, about all of the Hooligans just attacking him and Toothless as they exited the house.  

“Chief, we need to do something about that,” Storm said, staring into her now empty cup. Hiccup looks down into his still full cup and sighs, he knew that they had to do something, he just didn’t know what and that worried him. He always had at least an idea for a plan, but as soon as it came to Berk he felt lost, not knowing what to do, he’s been like that as soon as he left Berk.

“What do you propose Storm? Because I’ve got nothing.”

“Well, you might want to start drinking that mead Cheif, because you’re not going to like what I’m thinking,” she said, determination burning in her eyes, and waited until he drank before continuing. “So… at the end of the week we will be the only humans left here at the hideout, and I think that the best plan would be to head to Berk and stay there for a while, to-to gather information, to spy on the village and-“

“What?” he interrupted her, only then catching up on her train of thought. “Storm-what, no we can’t do that, i-if they find us we’re dead, no we can’t even think about doing th-“

“Hiccup! Calm down and listen to me, we will not get caught, we never get caught, no matter how close anyone comes to discovering us! We both have dragons that blend into the night and Berks forests are vast if, and I mean if not when, someone comes near us we will already be gone before they know we were there.”

“Storm I don’t know,” he trailed off, any fight he had in him drained. He looked into her eyes again, finding only understanding there, she put an arm around him, giving him a side hug.

“I understand,” she said her voice soft, “but Hiccup, you can’t keep avoiding that place, for your own sake, we have done this many times, spying on Berk is nothing new. We go there, get information and then decide what to do next. And while there you’ll maybe get some closure, you’ll see Gobber, Astrid, Stoick, and maybe you’ll stop wondering about them for a while.”

“Okay,” he said after a few tense minutes, “you’re right, and if anything does happen, at least I’ll have you with me.”

“I’ll always be with you Hiccup, that’s what family is for.”

“You’re the best sister out there, thank you. Now, go take a bath, you stink.” He laughed getting out of the hug, she scoffed in mock offence, getting up. She ruffled his hair while passing him her empty cup, after a few steps she turned to him.

“And Hiccup, I know it’s hard, I’ve been there, but know this, if the time comes the three of us will sooner die than let anything happen to you.” She turned and walked away with a small smile on her lips. He smiled too, knowing that he would do the same for them, after all, that was his family after all.

[secret-engima]

Title: the storms are coming( life is slipping)

Hmmm this title is so good I’ve been poking it for a while now, because it could be used for SO MANY THINGS. hgfhgfgf.

Something angsty probably.

.... *swats with newspaper* NOT THAT PLUNNY. Get out of here I’m not ready to have another FFXIV plunny I don’t even have enough lore data to know what to do with my first one.

..... Yea okay that one works instead.

Gonna blame @sparklecryptid for inspiring this with the many delightful “Yeet WoL into Eos” fics.

*rubs hands* buckle up wild ride and OOC behavior inbound.

FFXV/FFXIV AU where WoL dies. WoL dies and he is alright with that, is at peace with that, because his death will save those he cares about. And who knows, if he’s lucky, his death may even ease the burning Light under his skin.

Except - it doesn’t do that second one. Not really.

Because secretly, this WoL is not FROM Eorzea. He was from another world first, and those who guard it finally came back to claim him, now after all these years of fighting and hardship and too much Light under his skin.

Somewhere on Eos, the boy-who-was-once-Warrior-Of-Light gasps back to reality, choking and sputtering on the shallow water he is lying in. He fumbles blindly, confused and off balance because his limbs are smaller than he remembers, frailer, his scars stand out on his pale skin like they are fresh when they should be old and his hands and feet and legs are smaller than they were. These are child limbs again, not those of an adult who has lived-breathed-fought-died. He crawls out of the old pool tucked amid the ruins of what looks to be some kind of beast tribe shrine (it looks too fancy for the tribes, but who else would build such a thing to the Fulgarian?), turns around and looks at his distorted reflection in the ripples and dark water.

He is a boy again. That makes no sense. Even with a life as strange as his, it makes no SENSE. He looks the same age as he did years ago when he-.

Got lost.

And fell between the veils of worlds.

He breathes and shivers in the cool morning air, his adult tunic more like a lopsided dress on him now, and wonders if- if he went back. If he’s back there now. The world he was born in that no one else had heard of.

If maybe he can find his blood family again. And- and finding them won’t make up for what he’s just lost, what he already aches for, but ... it might be nice. To meet the people of his fading childhood memories.

He reaches experimentally for magic and isn’t sure if he should laugh or cry when he feels it come to him easily (he can still feel the Light under his skin, exhausted and drained from what he’s just done and woken up from, but not gone). He pushes experimentally at the spells Y’shtola tried for years to teach him, because his body aches all over and a healing spell would be nice, but as always, healing spells elude him entirely. Any other magic or class he could learn with enough persistence and practice, some he had picked up with ease even, but healing is beyond him and it is Very Inconvenient. Especially now.

Instead, he sighs and summons Freyja, his favorite Carbuncle, because he is very lost and in no condition to wield any of his swords even if he had them. Freyja chirps at him in question, gold fur bright in the light leaking through the jungle canopy, and when she sees him she starts fussing. He lets her for a while, and then they go to find civilization.

They find it, and then immediately run away, because everyone took one look at him and got that Expression™ on their face that he knew too well from being the WoL. That mix of disbelief and reverence and desperation and NOPE not doing that when he’s tiny and half naked thank you.

He manages to hide in the wilderness for a week before his magic use gets him noticed and some human foresters track him down. They know his name, which unnerves him, and it takes a while for them to talk him into following them. He keeps Freyja summoned the whole time, which draws even more staring and whispers of a “Messenger” (what is that, it sounds familiar but he cannot place it).

They take him “home”.

It’s a noble’s manor.

There is a woman in the doorway, heavily, heavily pregnant. So heavily pregnant she should probably be sitting down relaxing somewhere, not standing in the entryway waiting for them with tears in her eyes, but he knows her, knows her face and voice and the touch of her hands on his cheeks and even though he is an adult and a warrior and a killer of Primals he cries when his long lost mother pulls him as close as she can despite her swollen belly.

To them, he’s been missing for six months, and he has to hide his face in Freyja’s fur to muffle his tears at night over that (it’s been years for him, so many years he’s forgotten his last name until now, only clung to his first through all his adventures, he’s lived and LOVED and LOST and now it’s all gone and he is a child only six months gone in their eyes.) They whisper over his many scars and his mother cries over it, and he cannot tell her that they are not as raw and fresh as they look, etched into a de-aged body like this, but rather gained over many years of combat and trial. Instead he holds her hand, or presses a careful palm over her belly to feel the kicking inside because he is alive, he has a mother, he has a SIBLING about to be born and as grieving and world-lost as he is he clings to that. To the promise that he will protect this little sibling with all he is and all he has, even if he has to play the child and relearn this culture that reveres six of the Primals (or- not Primals? He isn’t sure. Is this world truly like Eorzea or is it far more different than it seems). Even if the storms come and his life slips away again beneath burning, burning Light, he will protect this little sibling.

This little sister.

He is the first one to hold his baby sister after his mother and the doctor. He cradles her close while Freyja purrs excitedly on his shoulders and when he kisses her tiny forehead, he can feel the Light under his skin reaching out to cradle her tiny candle of newborn magic, protective and strong and ready to tear down worlds to keep her safe.

“Hello Little Lunafreya,” he whispers to the sleeping baby, “It’s a joy to meet you. My name is Ravus, I’m your big brother.” He inhales the smell of hospital cleaners and fresheners, exhales slowly to restrain his tears of joy, unaware of his mother’s shocked gaze as his dual-colored eyes glow with starfire, “I’m going to keep you safe, alright? No matter what.”

(Later, Ravus will be a teenager, and the king of Lucis will come with his injured son. Later, Ravus will meet the little Prince and feel the budding Light in his bones, the promise of a burden Ravus knows far, far too well, and his promise of protection in the face of all things will extend to this little child, this little Chosen who does not deserve the fate that comes from being included in Prophecy. Later he will research the Prophecy more thoroughly in between playing with his sister and the prince who Freyja has practically adopted.)

(Later, Niflheim will rain machine men and monsters from the sky, and Regis will gape in shock as the one called General Glauca is crushed into the earth with magic unknown and untold, as the invasion of Tenebrae is bloodily ground to a halt long enough for both the Lucian and Tenebraen royal families to escape with their lives because of one boy.)

(As Ravus Nox Fleuret, eldest child of house Fleuret and Warrior of Light, holds his hands up toward the sky with glowing, starfire eyes and smiles cold and eerie and too old for his sixteen year old skin. Calls to the invaders with a voice like dragon’s thunder, “Don’t touch my family.”)

(Later, a technically refugee in Lucis because he was more concerned with protecting Luna and his mother then rampaging through an army, Ravus will pry from Regis’s desperate, guilty lips what the Prophecy really means for Noctis and Luna. And instead of raging or despairing, Ravus will smile that eerie cold smile again that looks like fangs.)

(It would seem he has another Draconian to kill.)

(And the other Astrals will stay out of his way if they know what is good for them)

[kneamet]

Dependence (April 21, 1997)

Trigger Warning: smoking.

Summary: there were many charms in life. However, Tom Hiddleston, having tried the most forbidden ones, could no longer imagine his life without them. The rest for him was nonsense, not worth his attention. After all, in order to survive, he needs to find a dose, thanks to which he feels better, not paying attention to the other rabble that reigns around. He doesn't care about his mother, who brings men into the house; he doesn't care about his sisters, whom he envies; he doesn't care about the whole world. But soon his search for a new dose will turn into a search for a girl who has won a victory over his drug-addicted mind, absorbing him completely and occupying all his thoughts.

And he won't stop until he gets what he wants.

April 21, 1997

Mark is worried. Feelings pierce him. He is uneasy about what is happening. He doesn't understand why he feels so strange when he sees Tom. Why does his stomach start to prick when he sees him talking to girls from parallel classes? Why does he feel the best when he and Thomas discuss different topics, smoking cheap cigarettes behind the school, where no one goes.

Mark likes spending time with him. He feels calm and alone when they sit on the roof of an abandoned building, thinking only about where to get cheaper cigarettes. It is there that he suppresses all his negative emotions, feeling only peace and pleasure.

Sometimes he understands the fact that he is long staring at his best friend — looking at how his untidy white curls are developing in the wind; how long fingers squeeze a cigarette and bring it to such soft, tender, swollen lips. He want to tear out this stuff, throw it away and give in to the feeling of temptation. Pull this old leather jacket closer to him and, hugging him tightly, kiss him as if this is the only thing that matters in this mortal world.

Mark blinks a couple of times. He does not understand where such emotions come from in relation to Tom; where such thoughts associated with a kiss come from; where this strange feeling in his chest comes from.

Had he really fallen in love?

Had fallen in love with your best friend?

This can't be true. This is all just fiction. He's just not himself. Yes, exactly! He's just not in his right mind, being still not recovered from another yesterday's binge! He just got so drunk that he is not aware of his actions. Surely in a couple of minutes he will forget about it.

That should explain something, right? Isn't it?

"Do you want to fuck her, Pac?” Mickey's mocking voice is heard looking at his friend with a smirking expression. Is he really so eager to tease him? Oh, that Mickey. Mark sighs when he hears his nickname, and realizes that he has been looking at Joel for a long time. She just smiles at him unobtrusively, winking. The guy swallows, turning his attention to a friend who followed the main girl of the class with a long and hinting look.

Mark rolls his eyes. It's his style. Tackles to girls, and even in this way. Are they really only interested in just having sex and that's it? But what about the sweet romance that shows all that tender love that cannot be expressed through sex without obligations? Why isn't anyone talking about her? Why does everyone not care about romantic acts committed by people in the name of love?

"Shut up, Vider," the guy teases him, stretching his stiff neck, feeling something crunch. Mark takes a sharp breath, turning his head in the direction of his friend, who was leaning against the table.

Mickey grins, biting his lip. He would really enjoy having sex with her, taking into account the fact that he had quite a lot of sexual experience. Mark looks at him with some contempt, his mouth slightly open. He rests his head on his hands folded on the desk, closing his eyes from the bright light. He doesn't want to study so much.

The only thing Pinkman wants at the moment is to wait for the day when Tom finally gets out of this fucking long sick leave. He felt a little guilty, but he was doing a good job. He didn't even write them a single message. And how not to be offended after that.

And yet he doesn't understand himself. He can not understand his feelings that overtake and cover the whole brain, which prevent him from thinking sensibly. Mark wants to smooth Tom's fluffy and curly hair when he lies on his lap, smoking, in their small company of four people; he wants to pull him into a deep, long and tender kiss that will show love; he wants to show him the whole world! that is so insignificant in his beauty.

Mark is sure that as soon as Thomas enters the classroom, he will immediately rush at him with hugs.

He is sure that he will not be able to restrain himself from this suffocating despair associated with sudden feelings. It becomes uncomfortable.

"Vider, it's been a long time since we've seen each other!” there is a loud exclamation of a clear and bright voice that makes Mark's heart flutter. His eyes open, widening wide. Wasn't Tom supposed to be out of the hospital next week?

He sits up, seeing Mickey and Tom shake hands in a strong handshake. They smile at each other while the guy holds the red-and-bard backpack hanging from his shoulder with his free hand. Mark swallows a nonexistent saliva. This shirt suits him.

His friend's gaze shifts to him and Thomas' smile gets even wider as soon as he sees a person for whom he would definitely do a lot. Friendship is a serious matter and requires special attention from everyone.

”Hi, Tom," Pinkman has already cursed himself several times and considered himself an incorrigible idiot, knowing that he does not particularly like his name. He liked the nickname given to him by his friends much more than his own. He sees Tom roll his eyes, but there's nothing he can do about it.

Mark likes his name.

And he is genuinely perplexed when Thomas feels contempt for him.

"Tom?" Mickey delves into it again, getting up from a school wooden desk designed for two people. He adjusts his blue jeans, folding his arms over his chest, which makes his black T-shirt pull back. “What the fuck are you talking about, Pac? His name is Hiddles, and we've all forgotten this fucking name for a long time,” he pats the named guy on the shoulder, getting an understanding, with some admixture of cunning, smile.

Hiddleston nods to Mark, sitting down next to him in his seat. They have been sitting next to each other primary school and this can be called a habit. Each of them is confident in something different and they can trust each other.

Pinkman purses his bitten lower lip, starting to bite it with his front teeth. This is a slight pain, thanks to which he can calm down and accept his nerves. It can even be called pleasant.

Although, of course, cigarettes help to cope with this better.

Without waiting for it himself, while Tom takes out of the backpack lying on his lap and pulled to his chest, Mark moves closer to him, not daring to take the first step. Sighing softly, he swallows and puts his left arm around the guy's shoulders.

His movements are very clumsy and inexperienced. He doesn't know if Thomas will like this gesture of attention. Will he be pleased when he is hugged? Or will he just get mad at him by dropping out?

His head is filled with dark thoughts that he does not want to think about at all. He drives them away, as if putting an internal block.

Although doubts that have long been ingrained in the soul, still torment him.

Perhaps this was his most significant disadvantage.

He cannot realize himself and what he feels. He can not accept, as well as feel. It is difficult for him, but he does not tell anyone about it. Parents don't give a shit, and friends, for sure, too.

Mark can't tell anyone what's bothering him.

Mark just keeps everything to himself.

His eyes widen when he sees that Tom is smiling encouragingly and this gives him hope. Did he feel something for him, too? Did he also feel those inexplicable emotions when he saw him?

***

Mark loves to learn. He gets along well with most of all subjects, perfectly understanding where they will be needed in his future life-if there is one, of course — he knows many poems by heart and is a good a student.

He likes to learn new things.

And he genuinely doesn't understand Mickey.

He has known him for a long time and his dislike is not that not to learn, but not to learn something new at all. In his life, as far as the guy could judge, he was interested in only a few things — drugs, alcohol, smoking and, of course, girls.

The rest was unimportant to him.

Mark rolls his eyes when he sees that the laces of his shoes are untied. And why did Mickey even come up with such an idea related to running away from school? Why couldn't they just finish studies? There were only two lessons left until the end of the school day, but if the majority wanted it, then it definitely means that you need to do what you have decided.

But it's definitely his style. As if it wasn't possible to just wait. Mark's breathing is erratic and he realizes that he can no longer run. Fortunately, there was not much left to go to the place where Mickey wants to go.

Mark is not boring and not a nerd. He is not a nerd and not the kind of person who constantly whines about something that would contradict the will of others. He is just an ordinary teenager whose life is quite adequate, if you do not take into account his parents.

He opens his mouth when it becomes harder to breathe.

Mark stops. He sees that they have run to an abandoned building where they often gather. Almost no one goes here, so to organize a "secret lair" here, if we speak in a childish way, was quite a deliberate and good decision.

For several years, the most genuine legends have been composed about this house, connected with the death of a little boy and his sister, who were left unattended by their parents. They say that because of this, they stopped building this place with houses. In principle, it is logical why they chose this location-a small lake, fresh clean air, far away from the hustle and bustle of the city, a gentrified part with a small square.

Why, it's just a paradise told in legends!

However, he was one until there was this unpleasant embarrassment with young children, which the authorities tried to hush up as soon as possible. Mark remembers that even apartments have become cheaper in this house since they were evicted from there. Needless to say, it did not bring any benefit. Probably even made the situation worse.

He sighs loudly when they stop, taking several large breaths abruptly, realizing that his breathing is fucking fucked at the moment. Now Mark just wants to leave everything, going home. He knows that his father is not at home, only his mother, who probably won't even pay attention to him.

”Why are you such sissies?" he can hear the mockery in Mickey's voice, who smiles, straightening up while the others try to recover. At such moments, Mark insanely wants to hit him.

”Shut up," moans Jim from the side, whose legs are giving way. Well, what the fuck was it necessary to run if the teacher doesn't care? Pinkman knows that she will just close her eyes, babbling to herself about "what kind of children have now!". And the whole class will be obliged to listen to this muttering, which has not given up to anyone, including the head himself.

The advantage of such moments was that they miss the lesson this way. But do not tell the teacher about this.

“I would never have thought that you, Sick, are such a weakling," he forces him. Mark is sure of it. And what is the use of this? They won't fight anyway, but they'll just talk in words, teasing each other.

Mark loves his friends. He is really happy to spend time with them, walking around promiscuously; he is happy to smoke with them those cheap cigarettes that they buy in a small shop near Tom's house, and where they will sell them to you at any age; he is happy... just enjoy their company.

However, recently, they have become increasingly infuriating to him.

Especially Mickey, whose head is likely to burst like a balloon from the ideas that he proposes to implement. Mark, in principle, is not against it, however, fucking, it's still kind of fucking to do this.

It's not scary, but he just don't want to.

Pinkman sniffs, looking at Tom, who is standing with his back against the wall painted with dirty drawings, holding a cigarette between his middle and index finger. His backpack is lying on the disgusting grass that has grown up to his shin, completely covering Mark's white sneakers. It seemed as if he was enjoying the circus and the jokes that were happening.

Although this was not new for them: Mickey always likes to cling to Jim, that he himself is not averse to answering somehow sarcastically, teasing the guy; Tom will start smoking another cigarette, and Mark, perplexed, will simply stand next to him, asking him for a cigarette and starting to discuss with him anything that first comes to mind. They will have time to discuss a lot — why the football team they supported didn't win this year; why GG Allin was such a fucking awesome, doing this on stage and why Iggy Pop is so cool; where will they go after school. It is quite possible that they will even talk about the arrangement of the house and what better materials to use, but this is for the extreme, if Mickey does not finish making fun of James.

“Can I?” Mark nods at the pack of Rothmans clutched in his left hand, to which the guy just shakes his head. He holds a cigarette between his teeth, opening it and presenting it to Pinkman.

Mark swallows, pulling out the offered one and, lighting it, takes a puff, which he did not wait for. So he smoked two cigarettes this morning, wanting to calm his nerves after another quarrel with his father on the topic of why he stopped going to church.

He grin, also leans against the brick wall. As if his father didn't give a damn about him and why he didn't go to that shitty church to confess to something he didn't fucking do. Fuck confessing at all, if you're still lying to that priest who's sitting in the booth next to you. And even more so, every passerby does fucking things every day, which don't even want to talk about after.

Mark exhales smoke, looking at Tom, whose gaze was directed at friends who were trying to find out who the humor and jokes are better. Does it matter? Unlikely.

Pinkman is focused. He swallows, not taking his thoughtful gaze from Thomas, who dusts off a cigarette and the ash falls on his black jeans.

Mark thinks that these jeans match perfectly with his white tucked-in shirt.

Mark thinks that he likes Tom's blue eyes, which look good-naturedly at the world, but are also capable of expressing cruelty.

Mark realizes that he is completely unaware of how he feels about his friend.

Mark feels like he's been looking at Tom for too long.

Pinkman blinks a couple of times, turning his gaze to the dirt track that leads to the garages, from where they logically fucking came. He can't sort himself out and understand. It's difficult and he just can't stand it all.

Mark has been thinking about the existence of his love for Tom for a long time. He suspects of its existence, although he wants to push everything off on the fact that he was drunk and the morning hangover played a fucking joke with him, in which there is not even a fraction of irony.

He takes another drag, feeling some of the flavors that he loves. Flavored cigarettes have recently appeared on sale in that small shop and, of course, every avid smoker expressed a desire to try something new. Many were happy with such an innovation, such as Mark, and someone, like Mickey, was opposed to it, as if completely denying their existence.

But Mark was willing to spend a lot just to get a taste of them again, as they sold out quite quickly. And far away, at least, if you take the places that he knew, it was too lazy to go.

“You looked like a faggot just now," the guy's fingers begin to press harder on the cigarette. It often fucks him up. Even too often. Especially when the guys notice him after some long glances directed at Tom, who is now nonchalantly watching what is happening.

His eyes were blurred, and his pupils were narrowed to madness. Has he already managed to get shoot up? When? He was always there for him when they were talking, launching into a shitty stupid debate about the new Judas Priest album.

Mark turns his attention to Mickey, who is leaning his shoulder against a tree. He looks defiantly, but as if he doesn't care at all what the guy might say in response to his remark.

Sometimes Mark regrets his friendship with Mickey.

However, after drinking, which Mickey's father — Walter, — so ardently and kindly offers them in his bar, he immediately forgets all the insults. He must admit that the beer there, called Foamies, is really good. They say this is true due to the fact that it interferes with Carling and Budweiser, although, fuck, who the fuck knows. It doesn't bother him, the main thing is that it's fucking delicious and fucking cheap.

"Shut the fuck up, Vider!”

There is laughter from his side, to which Mark just grins. He is angry at him, but he will still forgive him.

in parallel with the main love line, I enter a new one. write whether you liked it or not, since this chapter is one of my favorites. Oh and yes, as Mark - Ewan McGregor

[sophieebdaily]

Sophie shared part of her biography, Spinning Plates, on Daily Mail. Read Sophie’s words:

As a teenager, I thought I’d be famous. Cringey to write, but true. I’d even practised my autograph on my friends’ school exercise books.

I was confident I’d never have to write my own life story, and that Madonna had the right idea: have books written about you, but don’t write them yourself. Well, I’m not Madonna, and I’m not that famous. So here it is. My story, told by me.

I was born on April 10, 1979, to a 25-year-old dad, Robin Bextor, a journalist and TV producer, and 23-year-old Janet Ellis, an actress and TV presenter. I don’t really have any memories of my parents happy together, as their marriage fell apart when I was four.

Mum was a Blue Peter presenter by then, and Dad had started directing That’s Life, a big Saturday night TV show starring Esther Rantzen. By the time I was five, their divorce was official.

They lived a few minutes’ walk from each other in West London. Mum and I were in a little flat on the same road as my school, and Dad was in our old home. I found it hard to go from house to house.

Originally they split their time with me 50-50, but after a while it changed to me being with Mum most of the time and Dad every other weekend.

Every memory I have of anything related to custody invokes feelings of guilt and stress. School holidays were split between them equally, but when there was an odd number of nights, arguments ensued about who would have me for that extra night.

I know it is the mark of loving parents that they wanted me with them, but I felt incredible pressure not to upset them by showing any preference. I didn’t want either parent unhappy, so I would hide how I felt and say what I thought they wanted to hear.

I used to wish I had a sibling so that another human could experience what I was going through. But out of one unhappy marriage I got two happy ones, so I’m glad they found my step-parents, John and Polly.

I honestly feel I’ve been raised by four people, not two, and strange as it may sound, I can see bits of all four of them reflected in me sometimes. Nature and nurture all at once.

By the age of 19 I was no longer an only child, but the oldest of six: three sisters and two brothers. That’s quite the leap from those early years on my own. My youngest siblings were only six and seven when I had my first baby at 23, so they are close in age.

I love the fact my family ended up so big and sprawling. I like having so much going on. Good job the tattoo on my arm just says ‘Family’ and not the names of those within it – the list would be down to my wrist by now.

For me, family is everything. I now have five sons of my own – five small humans to nurture and nourish to adulthood.

If I were to list the way my priorities have shifted over the years into a chart rundown it would go something like this:

In at No 1 – thinking about the kids!

Down 30 places – being cool.

Up five – being kind.

Down 10 – any kind of toxic relationship.

Down 50 – time for myself. That’s parenthood!

I wasn't sure whether I was going to include this bit, but this is my platform to write about whatever I want and the things that have shaped me.

This is one of those dark and murky events in my life which I haven’t told many people about, but I owe it myself to put it out there, so here goes.

I definitely bear the scars from my first experiences with men and sex. When I was a teenager I knew I fancied boys, but I seemed far behind my friends.

At 15, I felt inexperienced and prudish, while they all seemed to be getting off with boys every weekend and quite a few had lost their virginity.

By the time I was 16 I had snogged only a couple of boys and had never had a boyfriend.

But it was around then I started going to a local indie club in the hope of getting my musical career off the ground. I was already deciding that life as a singer was for me.

Through the club nights there, I met girls outside school, including two sisters who seemed worldly, experienced and well connected. Here was my chance to shake off my Enid Blyton persona.

They didn’t see me as a prude, but they did see me as a bit of a project.

‘Have a one-night stand,’ they said. ‘It’s easy. You just bring a man home with you and then sleep with him.’

This seemed so grown-up to me. I’d read in magazines about one-night stands. Clearly, being a grown woman meant being able to do this.

Not too long after, when I was 17, I was out at a gig with a group of friends, including the sisters.

By now I was in my first band, theaudience, and although we hadn’t yet done a gig – we had just recorded demos and rehearsed – I was so happy to be hanging out with fellow musicians.

At the after-show party, I found myself talking to an older man who was in a band. He was their guitarist and he seemed to like me. I felt flattered.

I mentioned I was doing A-level history and he said: ‘I did history. Would you like to come back to my flat and see my history books?’ Probably the lamest chat-up line in the world, but I went in a taxi with him back to his flat.

Let’s call him Jim, shall we? Once back at the flat, Jim actually did show me his history books. I found myself putting one about Napoleon III in my bag. I kept it for a while afterwards, but seeing it always made me feel sad and used.

You see, Jim and I started kissing and before I knew it we were on his bed and he took off my knickers. I heard myself saying ‘No’ and ‘I don’t want to’, but it didn’t make any difference.

He didn’t listen to me and he had sex with me and I felt so ashamed. It was how I lost my virginity and I felt stupid.

I remember staring at Jim’s bookcases and thinking: I just have to let this happen now.

After it was over, I lay on the bed feeling odd, trying to process what had just happened. He fell asleep and I slept, too, not really knowing how to get myself home in the middle of the night.

I woke up after a short while and I can remember angrily picking up my clothes from the floor while saying to myself, ‘I said “No” ’. I went and sat in his kitchen, watching TV, feeling dazed.

After a while, Jim came into the room. ‘Oh, I didn’t think you’d still be here,’ he said. Again, I felt stupid. I didn’t know I was supposed to have left. I didn’t know I was supposed to just go afterwards.

On the way home I wondered if everyone else on the Tube could tell what had happened to me. I felt grubby, but also unsure about my own feelings as I had no other experience to compare it with.

At the time, the way rape was talked about wasn’t to do with consent – it was something you associated with aggression. But no one had pinned me down or shouted at me to make me comply, so why should I feel so violated?

I have thought so much about why I wanted to write about this. My life is happy now and I would not say that I felt overly traumatised at the time, and yet I feel as if the culture that surrounded me – the things I saw and read and the way sex was discussed – made me believe I didn’t have a case.

My experience was not violent. All that happened was I wasn’t listened to. Of the two people there, one said yes, the other said no, and the yes person did it anyway.

The older I’ve become, the more stark that 29-year-old man ignoring 17-year-old me has seemed.

I think it’s telling that when I came to write this book, this story was the one I wrote first. By going back to that room and to that time when I felt I didn’t have a voice, I can now give myself that voice.

I am not interested in naming and shaming the guy involved – I’ve Googled him and he seems to be happily going about his business and is in what looks like a happy long-term relationship. But I do want to encourage anyone to realise where the line between right and wrong lies.

I’m a mother of five young men now, and I introduce the concept of consent pretty early.

I want to raise considerate, kind people who can take other people’s feelings into account. I want them to actively want the other person to be happy, too, rather than just stopping because they have to.

I never saw Jim again, but a friend bumped into him and, when my name came up, he said we’d dated. We never dated. He didn’t even want to see me. He definitely didn’t want to listen to me.

I’ve asked myself why it’s important to write about these experiences. Why go over something that wasn’t very pleasant? Why make it public?

But I think if you experience something you know is wrong, then being brave and honest about it helps, and if anyone else has been through something similar, it might help us all talk about it.

But that’s not all. It’s also because I was silent about it for so long. It started to feel like I’m being complicit. I wasn’t heard when I was 17, but I think I’ll be heard now.

Looking back, I believe I had my first panic attack while filming a TV show. The anxious feeling had been brewing for a while, waiting for the right moment to tip me over the edge. It was December 2001 and my song Murder On The Dancefloor was about to be released.

I remember arriving at the TV studio and a colleague excitedly showing me my diary, which was completely packed for weeks. I couldn’t share her enthusiasm, but nodded my head and then walked on to the set in a bit of a daze.

I was starting to feel anxious and claustrophobic. As the sound man put on my radio mic, I started to feel more and more shaky, but I couldn’t leave the set. I couldn’t find any legitimate way of escaping.

I can’t remember all the guests but one was Jay Kay from Jamiroquai and DJ Jo Whiley was the host. Everything seemed hyper-real and I couldn’t work out if people were talking too fast or I was talking too slow.

I said: ‘Sorry, I’ve just got to go to the loo.’ I ended up on the street outside where I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself.

To his credit, my manager told me I could just leave if I wanted to. But I was able to get back in and finish the filming. And afterwards I felt elated.

As anyone who has had a panic attack knows, the only upside of the nightmarish ‘am I actually going mad?’ midst of the attack itself is that once it subsides it can give way to an almost euphoric high.

After that, panic attacks became regular visitors in my life. After a month or two of these episodes, it was my mother who diagnosed me. She said she’d read an article about panic attacks and thought that was probably what was going on with me.

But what to do about it? The triggers seemed to be any situation I felt I couldn’t walk away from without being conspicuous.

Tube carriages when the train suddenly stopped in a tunnel caused immediate panic. This paranoia increased the panic and I’d be sent spiralling into a shortness of breath, the craziness in my head and an inability to get a proper grasp on the passing of time.

Other panic-inducing situations included things such as meetings with my record label, where we’d sit in a boardroom with the door shut.

But the biggest and baddest of these situations was live TV.

Eventually I thought to myself: Enough, I need to sort this out.

The most popular route to help with panic attacks seemed to be hypnotherapy. This was the first therapy I’d ever tried – for anything – and I was a bit wary.

The initial session – with a very well-meaning practitioner – did nothing for me. She put on calming music and told me to lie still and relax, which sent me straight into the beginnings of an attack.

After that, a friend told me about someone who had been treated by the hypnotist Paul McKenna.

He’d become a regular fixture on TV and claimed he could change your life. I wasn’t sure whether he could really help me but I got in touch and trotted along to his place in Kensington, West London.

We spoke about the triggers of my anxiety and about other situations when I’d felt that way.

He said to imagine that I was standing in a room, and in the corner there was a television with a black-and-white image on it. The image should be an image of me from when I first remembered feeling out of control.

I thought back to when I was little and my mum and dad had split up, and all the fights over where I would spend the time, especially when there was an uneven number of nights to be shared.

The image I saw was me standing there at around the age of six while my stepmum explained how Dad was feeling about not seeing me as much as he’d like to.

While she spoke, I felt incredibly guilty and out of control.

The pressure was too much and I didn’t want to hurt anyone or upset anyone. I simply didn’t know what to do.

Paul listened and told me to get closer to the screen and then let the image turn from black-and-white to colour.

‘Now step inside the image. Climb into the scene and speak to that little version of yourself. Tell her you’re now an adult, that it’s OK she didn’t know what to do, and that you’ve grown into a happy grown-up so she doesn’t need to worry. It’s all going to be OK, and you can tell her that.’

I did what he said and shortly afterwards I walked out of Paul’s house in a daze.

I had been completely awake and aware throughout the session, but boy, was it powerful. For the next two or three days I could remember so many details from the time I was around the age of six or seven – things I had long forgotten, sights and smells. It was bizarre, but it really worked.

Since that time I’ve had the inklings of a panic attack – the occasional little tug – but never again has it bloomed into a full-blown thing. Whatever Paul said to me that day, in just one session, was incredibly effective in giving the power back to me. I’m so grateful to him. Especially amazing was the fact that he never charged me. He told me to make a contribution to charity, instead, which I did of course.

Pretty cool, that.

Lockdown woes and the joy of our Kitchen Disco

When lockdown first started, my husband Richard and I felt like most people. A bit freaked out, stressed by the heaviness of the news, discombobulated by the tilt our world was now on.

We’d started 2020 with a very full diary of gigs and overnight they were gone. Not only that, but our kids were suddenly off school and they were unnerved, too.

Meanwhile, online there were so many talented musicians performing songs, accompanying themselves on piano or guitar and sounding lovely. I had such a strong urge to do something fun and creative that we too could put out there.

Richard suggested we do a live gig on Instagram – the easiest platform without needing complicated streaming rights in order to transmit music live.

The first gig we streamed was pretty ridiculous. I put on a sparkly catsuit and I kept having to warn Richard, who was filming it, when he was about to walk backwards on to our crawling baby, who was only 14-months-old at the time.

I did my thing and shimmied about and embraced the absurdity, as did Richard, who joined me wearing an animal mask and playing on his Millennium Falcon bass (he’s the bass player in rock band The Feeling).

Afterwards, we wondered what the hell we’d just done. We’d always been pretty private about our home and we’d never put the kids’ faces out into the world, but in the midst of the pandemic and the whole world gone wonky, none of that felt important or relevant any more.

The desire to connect with folk, have some fun, alleviate some tension and distract ourselves won out.

Still, I was genuinely expecting a lot of ridicule. I was a 40-year-old woman in full sparkle singing pop songs surrounded by her offspring. I assumed people would make fun of me. But they didn’t.

I think the intensity of the news meant daftness was in short supply. Plus, who doesn’t love to dance around to let some of the stress go?

Also, the cartoony strangeness of the sequins and the sprogs was like a caricature of what so many people had been experiencing.

Music has always been our family’s way of flipping the script – to celebrate or dance about and be silly, to shake off tension or to make each other laugh. It doesn’t always work – I’m pretty sure all my kids will leave home relieved they won’t hear me singing around the house any more – but when it’s good, it’s great.

One friend said that when she saw our Kitchen Discos that I looked the happiest she’d ever seen me. Lockdown was downright awful sometimes and I shouted/raged/resented more than normal, but the discos have been pure joy and I hope the kids will look back on them fondly.

Strange times. But I have felt such enormous affection for all who’ve been over to our house, virtually. What a lovely community of dancing people.

I’m proud to be part of the party and it has reminded me yet again of the importance of joy for joy’s sake, and silliness and music as a tonic for the soul.

© Sophie Ellis-Bextor, 2021

Spinning Plates, the book, is out on October 7th. Click here to pre-order a copy.

[universe-n-3276]

Carrying the Moon

Chapter 19

Robbe was pissed. Rationally, he knew, Sander couldn't take him aside to explain what he and Charlotte had talked about. It would have been rude, although it was also rude to break into someone else's house, without giving all the tenants an explanation. Robbe had disappeared earlier with Hero, leaving no room or time for Charlotte to explain herself, but that situation was making him feel uncomfortable, and he needed to get out. When he put Hero to bed, he went back to the living room, and the twins seemed to have cleared things up. They were both in a good mood, laughing and joking as if nothing had happened.

Sander would always forgive Charlotte right away, and Robbe couldn't stand it. He thought that the girl would always give for granted their relationship, because, sooner or later, despite everything, he would come back to her. Robbe had seen Sander struggle for two years. He had seen his thoughts keep him awake at night and make him sick to his stomach. He stayed awake with him and cuddled him, made him some herbal teas, kept him warm in his arms, but nothing had been as effective as those twenty minutes spent with Charlotte. Sander wasn't rational when it came to her, and Robbe knew it too well.

Robbe stared at the slice of pizza on his plate, he had barely eaten. His hunger had vanished as soon as he crossed the threshold and saw Charlotte, but he tried to eat something, while the twins chatted about this and that, without paying any attention to him.

“Lucas and Jens got engaged today!” “Really?” “Yes, we were helping them to move out and suddenly Jens got on his knee.” “Move out?”

Despite everything, Charlotte was much less dramatic than she was two years ago. Her reactions were more composed. It had been odd not to see her slam her hands on the table, as soon as she discovered that her best friend was engaged. She hadn't screamed or raised her voice. The girl simply smiled and resumed drinking her diet coke.

“They live in this building now.” “I'm gonna congratulate them.” “You should go with her, Sander.”

It was one of the few things Robbe had said during that evening, and it sounded more like an order than an invitation. Sander paid attention to the tone in his fiancee’s voice, and he frowned, trying to understand what was happening, but Robbe's flat expression prevented him from reading him as easily as usual. He could imagine it was about Charlotte, so he didn't investigate any further. Sander looked at his sister, while a thousand questions began to crowd his head.

“Yeah, alright. Let's go.”

-

Charlotte had called Alice to warn her that she was in town, and she had insisted that her daughter join her in her new home to spend the night there. The girl had gladly accepted, first of all, because despite breaking into their house, she didn't want to disturb Sander and Robbe, and then she wanted to give them some privacy. She knew they needed to talk and that they were both probably waiting to be left alone to do so. So, when the girl took her things and said goodbye to her brother, Sander closed the door and went immediately to his room. Ever since Robbe had told him to go with his sister to Jens and Lucas' house, he had felt anxious. He hated arguing with Robbe, but most of all, he hated not being able to fix things right away. He needed to know what was going through his fiancee’s mind. What was hurting him. Sander found the other already in bed, and when he sat down, Robbe didn’t even look up from the laptop he had on his legs. Sander sighed, placing his head on Robbe’s shoulder.

“Talk to me, please.”

The boy closed his laptop a little too hard, but he settled down to let Sander snuggle up, and he did it immediately, of course. He took the other's hand in his own, starting to draw small circles on the back of it with his thumb.

“You can't think straight because you missed her too much.” “Meaning?” “I'm not comfortable when she's around our baby. We don't know what she wants, and you just let her in once again, as nothing happened.”

Sander wrapped his arms around Robbe's waist and gave him a feather-light kiss on his neck in an attempt to relax him. All the feelings his fiancee was having were valid and justified. It was true, that he had let Charlotte come back into their lives too easily, but she was his sister and he couldn't help but trust her. Still, he was happy to have Robbe watching his back. He felt protected.

“I understand you’re still scared, but my sister promised, she won’t do anything to hurt us.” “We can't trust her. Charlotte had always been impulsive, and she had been away for two years. You don't know her anymore.” “What do you want me to do?”

Robbe closed his eyes, sighing in frustration, and brought his hands to his temples, starting to massage them. Within a week away from their marriage, they should both have been stupidly happy. They should be focusing on their relationship. Instead, they always found themselves thinking about the same thing.

“I just wanna sign that stupid adoption papers.” “I know, but we still need to wait for you to turn 25.” “Then you should do it first. You’ll be 25 in a month.” “Robbe...” “I can't risk it. I won’t lose my son because of this.” “It won’t happen, okay? But I'll do whatever makes you happy.”

Sander sat up and hugged Robbe, pulling him close. He knew the other was feeling vulnerable at that moment, and he needed to be comforted. He put his fingers in his hair and kissed his forehead, while Robbe slipped his hands under Sander’s sweatshirt to touch his bare skin. When Robbe was feeling fragile, he always sought physical contact and Sander was glad to please him.

“I’ve never thought about us as his uncles until I saw her tonight. The truth hit me so hard I wanted to cry.”

Hearing Robbe's pain come to life in the form of those words, hurt him, because he realized that there was something deeper, than the fear that Hero would be taken away from them. Robbe's pain was linked something real, that unfortunately, couldn’t be changed, even if they wanted to, and probably one day, they would have faced it with their child, but, he was sure, they would find a way to make it as painless as possible for everyone, loving Hero as if it had been genetically their son.

“We’re his papa and his dad. Jens and Lucas are his uncles. He’s our son, we’ll legally adopt him soon. He’ll grow up so happy with us, and at some point, he’s gonna get a brother or a sister, with your doe eyes, your dimples, and your curls.”

Finally, a small smile appeared on Robbe's lips, after hearing those words. He lifted his face and looked at Sander dreamily, imagining their future together. There was still time, and it would be years before all those dreams would come true, but they both couldn't wait to live them.

“Hero is always gonna be my favorite, and I’m gonna die if he’ll look like you at 16. I won’t ever be able to say him no.”

Sander shook his head, laughing, and pressed his lips to his fiancee’s. In his heart, he hoped that Hero would take Robbe's calm and responsible personality because otherwise, they would have had a hard time dealing with the most spoiled teenager in the world.

“We're naming the next one Bowie.” “Sander, no.”

-

Robbe loved Sander more than anything, and overall, he couldn’t resist his puppy eyes. So when his fiancee asked him to let Charlotte and Hero get to know each other, he had no choice but agree. In general, things hadn't gone badly. Robbe hadn't taken his eyes off the two for a second, expecting to see who knows what atavistic bond, but nothing strange had happened. Hero had behaved as usual. He was shy at first but then he offered the girl his toys. He wasn't as obsessed with her as he was with Jens and Lucas. Whenever the two had joined him and Charlotte, Hero had devoted most of his attention to them. Thus, Robbe should have been calmer. Instead, he was sitting there, pretending to read a book, while keeping an eye on the girl and the baby. He felt stupid to feel all that jealousy, but he just couldn't help it. When he saw the girl, take Hero in her arms and make him sit on her lap, he could no longer contain himself.

“Can you stop treating him like a doll? He doesn't know you. And you don't know if he's uncomfortable being held by you like that.” “I guess he would be crying if he was uncomfortable.” “You can't just assume things.”

Charlotte let go of Hero and looked Robbe straight in the eye. She had a surprised expression on her face, that became regretful after a while. The girl sighed, biting her lip, remaining silent for a few seconds, probably looking for the right words to use in that delicate moment.

“Robbe, look, I'm not trying to do anything here. I know he's your son. I'm just trying to get to know him. He's my twin brother's son too.” “Your twin brother is about to become my husband in three days.” “What does it mean now?”

The girl raised her eyebrows, completely blown away by Robbe's response, who by now, due to the anger and frustration accumulated in the previous days, had lost all restraints. At that moment, for him, it was about Hero as well as Sander.

“You always did that, Charlotte. You claim people as your proprieties. Sander and Lucas are not 17 anymore. They are men, and they can’t run to the rescue every time you want.”

Robbe immediately regretted his words. He had probably been too harsh, even though that was exactly what he had wanted to say for years. It was the truth. Things had always been that way. Whenever Charlotte behaved irresponsibly, there was always someone ready to get her out of trouble. The last time was when she left Hero and disappeared for two years.

“I don't need to be rescued.” She said it in a barely audible voice, lowering her gaze. She stayed still for a few moments, but when she suddenly regained control of herself, that flame of pride, that was typical of Charlotte, shone in her eyes again. "Why are you attacking me like this? Tell me what’s wrong, so we can talk like adults.”

Robbe had never been so happy that Hero didn't fully understand what they were talking about, but even though neither of them raised their voices, the child sensed that something was wrong, because he kept shifting his gaze from his dad to Charlotte.

“You came back with no explanation after two years! How am I supposed to trust you, if I don’t know your plan?” “I don't have a plan. I don't even know how am I adjusting to this situation. It's weird to me as much as it is to you.” “It is very weird to me. It's making me question my role in his life.”

That sentence had come out of his mouth almost like a confession, and realizing it, the boy sighed, burying his face in his hands. He didn't like feeling that way, insecure, nervous, and fragile. He had stopped feeling like that for some time now. Robbe had left that part of himself to his adolescence, to a dark period that he would have liked to forget, but instead, it always resurfaced somehow. Charlotte rose to her feet and went to sit on the sofa next to Robbe, placing her hand on his knee and squeezing it as encouragement.

“You are his dad. That’s not in question, Robbe. It will never change. I made a choice two years ago, and I'm not regretting it. I'm happy you and Sander are his fathers. I know he has a loving family, and he's going to be safe for the rest of his life.”

Charlotte smiled softly. She had watery eyes, like Robbe, who nodded, taking the girl's hand in his own. Maybe he shouldn't have been so childish with her because, after all, he would have been eternally grateful to Charlotte and her impulsiveness. Thanks to her he had the best gift that life had given him. Hero suddenly walked over to them and pointed to Robbe with his index finger, looking the girl in the eye.

“Dad.” “Yes, baby! He's your dad! Next time you're in doubt, Robbe, remember to ask this little bean here first. After all, his opinion is the only one that matters.”

-

Robbe had been waiting for that day for years, yet at that moment, alone, in his bed, he couldn’t help but be nervous. It was the night before the wedding, and he and Sander had decided by mutual agreement to spend apart the few hours that separated them from the big day. When they had said goodbye, and Sander had left the house to go to sleep upstairs, at Lucas and Jens’, Robbe had instantly regretted that decision. The house was strangely quiet. Hero was already sleeping in his room, and Robbe didn't know what to do. Everything was ready for the small ceremony: his black suit was ironed and hung in the closet, together with his tie and shirt. He had already showered, but he felt too restless to watch a movie or read anything. He decided to make himself a relaxing herbal tea and crawl into bed, hoping to get some sleep, but the truth was that sleeping without Sander's body pressed against his was not easy at all. He changed his position for the hundredth time and snorted, pondering whether he should move to the sofa to watch some boring television program, when the bedroom door opened, revealing Sander’s figure, smiling mischievously.

“What are you doing here? You were supposed to sleep upstairs!” “I'm not superstitious, and besides, I miss you.” “We saw each other two hours ago.”

Sander closed the door behind him, turned on the little lamp on the bedside table, and slipped under the covers, pulling Robbe closer, to hold him against his body. He kissed him softly and then, just before answering, he pouted adorably.

“I know, but I'm too happy about tomorrow and I needed to share my excitement with you.” “You're cute.”

Robbe cupped Sander’s face with both of his hands, to look him in the eye. In just a few hours, he would become a husband for that man in front of him, and he couldn’t believe his luck. That smart, caring, talented, sweet, loud, soft, handsome man. His best friend. The love of his life. The father of his son. His soulmate. They had grown up together, hand in hand, and in a few hours, they would have sworn eternal love in front of everyone.

“You okay, angel?”

Sander smiled slightly, pushing away the hair from the other’s forehead, holding his gaze, until Robbe nodded, pressing theirs together. He reached out to turn off the light on the nightstand and straddled Sander, pulling off his shirt. He left a trail of wet kisses on his chest, going up towards the neck, while the other sighed heavily, bending his head to leave Robbe room. Sander slipped both hands under the elastic of his fiancee's boxers and squeezed his butt, pushing his hips upwards at the same time, in search of some friction. Robbe let out a moan and pressed the last kiss on the soft spot behind Sander's ear.

“I want you.”

-

Robbe woke up shivering, feeling the cold air hit his bare skin. Still, with her eyes closed, he reached out for Sander's warm body, whimpering when he felt the other side bed empty. He slowly opened his eyes to find Sander sitting on the edge of the bed, putting on the sweatpants that had been hurriedly thrown on the floor the night before, along with the rest of their clothes.

“Where are you going?”

Sander turned his face and looked over his shoulder, giving Robbe a bright smile.

“Sorry I didn’t mention earlier, but I have to get married in a few hours.” “Too bad. I hope he's handsome.” “Yeah, he is. He has the prettiest doe eyes and the cutest dimples.”

Robbe smiled, slipping almost completely under the covers, too cold to try to be the least bit sexy. He let out from his warm shelter only his head, and his fiancee reached out to caress her hair.

“Tell me again why we decided to go there separately.” “I promise it's gonna be worth it, Robbe.” “Yeah, you told the same thing about sleeping apart the night before the wedding.”

Sander laughed and leaned towards his fiancee to kiss his lips one last time. He was thrilled at the thought that the next time he saw Robbe, he would become his husband. But leaving that bed was being a torture. He kissed Robbe’s lips again, then the tip of his nose, cheek, and forehead. He stood up and felt butterflies in his belly, looking at the beautiful man in front of him.

“Can't wait to see you there. I love you.” “I love you too.”

-

Jens watched his best friend get up from the couch for the tenth time in less than five minutes, fixing the knot of his tie, which was already perfect. He stood up too and walked over to Robbe, placing a hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him down a bit. The dressing room was quiet and the tension could be cut with a knife.

“How are you?”

He asked looking at Robbe through the mirror. They had never been so stylish, both wearing tight black suits. Their hair was strangely in order, especially Robbe’s, who had been resisting for hours the urge to stick his fingers inside it, as he did whenever he was nervous. As soon as Sander was gone, he felt his anxiety building up. Luckily he'd had to take care of Hero, otherwise, he would surely have a panic attack. When Alice had come to take the child, Jens had immediately joined him.

“I’m on the verge of crying since I showered this morning. I’ve never been this emotional in my entire life.”

Jens smiled, trying to imagine how he would feel on his wedding day. Since he had proposed to Lucas a week ago, they had started talking about it all the time and he was tempted to drag his fiancee somewhere to get married in secret, but that morning, that thought had become terribly irresistible.

“I'm happy to be here by your side right now. I'm thinking about the first time we met, and now you're about to get married.” “Jens, you're not helping. At all.”

Robbe looked away from the mirror, looking for something to distract himself, but nothing seemed tempting enough. He wished he had a drink to calm himself down, but at the same time, he wanted to be completely sober and remember every second of that day. When there was a knock on the door, Robbe immediately turned himself to see his mother's face peeking out. He smiled warmly and walked over to hold her in a tight hug. He was happy to have her there. She had told him, she would never miss his wedding but they both knew her health conditions could change within hours.

“You look handsome, honey.” “Thanks, mama.” “I met Sander while I was coming here, he was over the moon.” “I can't wait to see him.”

The two released the embrace and then the woman greeted Jens in the same way. She seemed really calm and serene, and Robbe couldn’t help but feel a warm wave of joy in his chest. During the darkest times of his adolescence, he would never have imagined finding his soul mate, let alone getting married and being surrounded by people who would accept him and shower him with love, including his mother.

“I'm gonna see if Sander is ready to go.”

Jens left his best friend and his mother alone to talk in Robbe's quiet and peaceful room, to enter Sander's, where the situation was completely different. Sander, who was sitting dramatically in a chair, held his head in his hands as utter chaos surrounded around him. Charlotte and Lucas played with Hero, making him scream in amusement, while Alice and Theo, Sander's father, were discussing something, sipping champagne. Jens approached Lucas to kiss his cheek, and Sander, who had only noticed Jens' presence at that moment, raised his head.

“Lucas, can you stop checking your fiancee's butt?” “Sorry, can't help.” “Butt.”

Hearing Hero say that word, the room fell into dead silence and everyone began to look into each other's eyes, only to burst out laughing immediately afterward. Sander rolled his eyes, exasperated.

“Awesome. A nice new word! Perfect to scream today during the ceremony, right?” “Sander, calm down. Why are you freaking out all of a sudden?”

Charlotte frowned, alarmed by her brother's strange behavior. Everyone expected to see the boy full of energy and happiness, but at that moment he had a black cloud over his head.

“I just wanna see him. I need him to stay grounded, but I can't right now because I'm supposed to go out first and wait for him.” “Just stop with this. You guys should walk there together with your baby. That’s how you and Robbe always did everything. Together.”

Sander looked his sister in the eye and nodded. Suddenly it all made more sense. Being apart had always been a mistake for the two of them, and it had never led to anything good. It wasn’t the right time to start changing things. The boy took Hero in his arms and walked out the door, quickly crossing the hallway, entering Robbe's room without knocking. When he saw him, Sander gasped feeling his knees give in and his head spin, because everything clicked. In a few minutes, he was going to marry the love of his life. He put Hero on the floor, who immediately ran to hug his dad, and closed the door behind him, leaning against it, trying to save in his memory, the image of Robbe at that moment. He was just perfect.

“Sander? What are you doing here?” “Robbe, you look-” “Don't you dare. I'm holding my tears since this morning.”

Robbe pointed his index finger at the other for a few seconds, looking him in the eyes, until Sander made the gesture of closing his lips with an invisible zipper, then Robbe smiled at him, shaking his head. He took Hero up and went to his fiancee, cupping his cheek with his hand, smiling softly at him. Both of them were emotional and had watery eyes. They lost a few minutes, savoring each other with their gaze. It was one of the best moments of their life and they both wanted to enjoy it and acknowledge their own emotions. Sander tilted his head towards Robbe's hand and closed his eyes, feeling more relaxed. He was still amazed by how his body reacted to the other’s presence. As soon as Robbe entered his orbit, it was as if something inside him knew that everything would be fine.

“I was freaking out without you, and Charlotte suggested we should walk out together with Hero because that’s the only way we work.” “I'm happy your sister is smarter than us.” “Me too.” “You're stunning, by the way. Although, I can't wait to take your black suit off tonight.”

They smiled and Sander wrapped his arms around Robbe's waist, resting his head on his shoulder and looking Hero in the eye. The baby had calmed down too, as soon as his dad had picked him up. Perhaps there was really something in the Driesen's DNA that made them react that way in Robbe’s presence. Sander wished he had a button to fast-forward the whole ceremony and party. He wanted to be alone with the love of his life. A little drunk on wine, happiness, and tiredness, with loose ties, half-unbuttoned shirts, tight in each other's hug, dancing to an imaginary song, in their bedroom. What he wanted most from that day wasn't the celebration, but the way he knew he and Robbe would feel closer, like they belonged to each other a little more, for the rest of their lives.

That idyll in Sander's mind was interrupted by a knock on the door behind him, and Lucas's voice brought him back to reality.

“It's time!”

Robbe offered him the most breathtaking smile ever. He took his shaky hand and squeezed it in his own. Sander didn't know how he could get through the whole ceremony, given the way he was already feeling. He wanted to tell Robbe everything he had in his mind and heart. He wanted to tell him that he loved him, that he was happy, that he was the luckiest man on earth. That growing up with him had been the best thing that happened to him. He wanted to thank him for teaching him love. For becoming his family. For every gesture, and every word that had saved him from his darkest moments. For always keeping his heart safe, for forgiving him, and for always making him feel at home. For making him feel truly himself. He wanted to tell him all of that and a billion other things more, but he knew his voice would fail him as soon as he tried to say more than two words, so he said the one thing, that could sum up every day of their past, present and future life.

“Together?” “Together.”

[previous] / [epilogue]

[tachimybananase]

Hiki & Howl

Original work by yours truly I’m working on this fic for 4 or 5 years now. This is the 3rd reboot, which some might find annoying or stupid, but since I’ve developed a lot as a “writer”, I want to make my existing works better (well, hopefully ^^) If you’ve read this before, please consider reading it again, because it’s very different from the last version! I hope you’ll enjoy this story and like the characters, they mean the world to me. :) You can also find me on Wattpad and AO3.  Summary: Hiki grew up in a strict Yakuza family with a harsh father and an abusive mother. After a traumatizing event, he lost all hope to ever find true happiness. Until, one day, a stranger came into his life and turned everything upside down.

Chapter 1 - Fate

"Hello, I'm here to meet Ueda-san. I have an appointment." A blond man in a black Audi Q7 sat waiting in front of a big iron gate. It took a moment after he had answered the intercom before the gate began to slowly open. "Follow the road until you reach the main building," a deep voice told him. The man did as he was told, following a graveled path for about five minutes until he arrived at a plaza stationed in front of a grand mansion. The mansion's architecture displayed a distinguished amalgamation of traditional Japanese charm and modern flair. He parked his car, got out, and adjusted his suit and tie before pushing up his glasses and walking to the entrance door. Giving no thought to hesitation, he rang the doorbell to which a buff, bald, gorilla of a man in a black designer suit answered. "Follow me," the man ordered, so he entered the house. They walked through the entrance hall and followed a long hallway, passing several doors before they finally reached their destination. The gorilla opened the door and gestured for him to walk inside. "Wait here," he growled. Doing as he was told he sat down on a black leather sofa, where he soon found himself alone. The room was bright and big, but the interior was quite spartan. Next to the sofa was a chair and a coffee table. On the wall to the right was a cupboard with an expensive-looking vase and a framed picture on it. Through the large glass door right across from him, he had a good view of the big, well-kept garden, which looked more like a park sizewise. Driven by curiosity, Howl got up to take a closer look at the picture on the cupboard. “Oh, a family portrait,” he mumbled to himself. The parents were sitting on two wooden chairs in the middle surrounded by five kids. The mother looked completely indifferent, and the father had a threatening aura. He knew that man’s face from the newspapers. It was the person he had an appointment with, and he wondered if the rumors were true. Are they really yakuza? Well, they sure look like it , Howl thought as he looked at the family in their expensive-looking, traditional yukata. Out of their five children, only two were smiling. One of them a teenage boy. He stood behind two smaller boys that looked close in age, his hands placed on their shoulders. He guessed the smaller boys, who were holding hands, were around ten. The bigger of the two was smiling as well, while the other looked shy, almost intimidated, but very cute. There was also a teenage girl that looked like she was pouting, and another boy that looked slightly older than her, with the same earnest expression as his father. Such a big family, but aside from those three boys in the corner, there was no feeling of happiness or wholesomeness whatsoever. Suddenly the door opened. Someone entered the room and Howl turned around. "Oh, there's someone in here, I'm sorry for disturbing!" A young man with long, rose blonde hair tied up in a ponytail, bowed. "I-I wanted to take a shortcut to the garden." He pointed at the glass door. "I assume you're waiting for my father…" "Yes, I am. My name is Harada Howl, nice to meet you," Howl answered. "N-Nice to meet you, I'm Ueda Hikaru," the boy replied politely but shy. Woah, he's cute , Howl thought instantly and suddenly realized… "You look like one of the boys in this portrait. Is this you?" He pointed at the smallest boy who looked intimidated. "Oh, yeah. That's me. Um, your name… It's quite unusual..." He changed the subject, but then he suddenly bowed. “I’m sorry, that was rude of me. I didn’t mean to be so intrusive.” "It’s fine, don’t worry. My mother was a big fan of the book 'Howl's Moving Castle' by Diana Wynne Jones, and she was a little extravagant, so she named me and my sister after the main characters." Howl replied as he was used to this kind of conversation. People often asked him about his name, which usually made him feel annoyed at his mother for not giving him a more common one. But weirdly, he wasn’t annoyed by that boy. "That's awesome, I immediately thought of that book! That’s why I asked. I love it too, it's one of my favorite stories,” Hikaru exclaimed. "You like reading?" Howl asked and pointed at the book the boy was holding. Hikaru nodded eagerly. "Yes, I love books. It's like living another life… Good books take you away from reality and let you forget where you are, who you are, and even that you're reading at all..." he replied with glowing cheeks and a spark in his eyes. "Your excitement is very refreshing, Ueda-kun," Howl said and smirked. "Oh, umm…" Hikaru blushed and looked down, obviously flustered. "C-Can I offer you some tea while you’re waiting? My father's men aren't very hospitable." "But weren't you on your way to the garden? I don't want to trouble you," Howl replied. "Oh no, I just wanted to go for a walk… I can do that later." "Well, in that case, I would love to have a cup of tea, thank you. But only if you join me." "Sure! Do you like green tea?" Hikaru asked eagerly. "I love green tea," Howl smiled warmly, which made the boy freeze with a surprised expression. Then he blushed and rushed out. Howl slumped back down on the sofa. "What the heck… My heart is beating like crazy…" he mumbled to himself. Is it because of my appointment? No... I’m not the type who gets nervous before meeting a potential client. Then… Is it because of him? I mean… He is really cute, Howl thought. This is a first. Thinking of a guy as cute? Strange... Dammit, I should focus on my appointment, but... After a few minutes, Hikaru came back, carrying a black tray with a teapot, a cup, and a plate of cookies on it. He placed it on the coffee table and sat down next to Howl. "Here you go, Harada-san," he said as he poured him a cup of the healthy brew. "I made the cookies myself, I hope they’re to your liking," Hikaru added nervously. Howl took one of the cookies from the plate and tried it. "Ueda-kun, they're delicious! Hands-down the best chocolate chip cookies I've ever had," he praised him. "Ha-Harada-san, are you making fun of me?" The boy asked skeptically. "Not at all! My father's family runs a chain of sweets shops, so you can trust my verdict," Howl winked. "Maybe you've heard of Harada Sweets before?" "Y-Yeah... Um, well, I'll take the compliment then, thank you. I'm very happy that you like them." He looked down shyly and blushed. Howl's heart was throbbing wildly as he was completely bedazzled by this boy's brisk cuteness. He noticed that Hikaru seemed very insecure, but Howl didn't know at the time that it wasn't like him to talk to others so uncoerced. That he usually didn’t speak much at all, but that there was something about Howl that made Hikaru feel comfortable enough to almost forget about his shyness. "Ueda-kun, may I ask how old you were in that picture?" Again, Howl pointed at the photograph on the cupboard. "You're the youngest one of the bunch, right?" "Oh… I was ten when it was taken. I'm the smallest one, but my brother Hajime, who's standing right next to me, is one year younger than me," he explained. He looked sad and Howl wondered why that was the case. “Sorry if my questions make you feel uncomfortable. I’m too nosy.” “No, you’re not, it’s fine, really! I just don’t like looking at that picture. It was taken a year before my brother Satoshi passed away. The one who’s standing behind me.” Howl looked at the broadly smiling boy in the picture. “I’m sorry, my deepest condolences. That was very insensitive of me...” “You couldn’t have known, it’s fine,” the boy replied. “I shouldn’t have mentioned it…” He brushed a strand of hair behind his ear insecurely. "So you're 17 now?" Howl changed the topic to hopefully ease up the boy’s tension again. "I turned 18 on the twenty-second of April." "Oh, that was only three weeks ago… Happy belated birthday!" "Th-Thank you." Hikaru blushed. "Are you attending University yet?" "I'm going to attend T-Uni starting September. Since my birthday is after the start of the spring semester, I decided to begin in September." "T-Uni? That's funny, because…" Howl started, but suddenly the door opened and the gorilla entered the room. "Ueda-dono wants to see you now. Follow me," he said. “Hikaru-sama, you shouldn’t be here,” he added growling after he noticed the boy. “I’m sorry, Kitamura-san. I’ll clean up and leave.” The gorilla nodded and left. Hikaru got up and bowed to Howl. “It was nice talking to you. Um… Sorry, if I bothered you, though.” Howl started panicking internally, he wanted to talk to that boy more! He got up and frantically rummaged around in his pocket, pulled out a flat silver box, opened it, and took out one of the business cards that were inside. "Ueda-kun, I would like to meet you again to continue our conversation. I really enjoyed talking to you. Please call me or send me an email, okay?" The stern expression on Howl’s face as he formally offered him the card with both hands startled Hikaru. He hesitated for a moment and looked at the card without saying anything. It read: 'Harada Howl - Founder and CEO of Castle Tech - IT and Smart Home Security'.   The people that usually came to their house weren't exactly of the upright kind, and it could have been a dummy company, but Hikaru didn't want to be rude to the man, since he had been kind to him. So he took the card and Howl’s earnest expression turned into a relieved smile. “Hey, what’re you waiting for, follow me,” Kitamura barked at him as he reentered the room. They quickly said their goodbyes and Howl left. Hikaru sighed and put the card into his jeans pocket. What a strange guy , he thought as he cleaned up. But he liked my cookies… He smiled, took the tray, and brought it back to the kitchen before he finally went on his walk.Hikaru liked the big garden behind the house, especially the part that was the furthest away from the main building. No one ever walked that far, so he had it all to himself and no one who would disturb him. Hikaru preferred sitting underneath his favorite tree over being inside the house. The atmosphere there was always kind of dark and cold and his father often had 'business partners' over, most of whom were unpleasant people. He didn't feel at home there… Or welcomed even. As he had reached his little hideout, Hikaru made himself comfortable on the ground between the roots of a big cherry tree and took a deep breath of the warm spring air. Then, he suddenly realized something. "Crap, I forgot my book in the room because of that guy…" He sighed, annoyed at himself. "That guy…" Hikaru leaned back against the tree and looked into the cloudy sky while thinking about that stranger. He looked like a foreigner with his blond hair and blue eyes. He was also abnormally tall, at least for Japanese standards. Hiki estimated his size to be around 1,90m. The man’s appearance was quite impressive, not only because of his size. He wore a dark blue suit with a white shirt and a dark blue vest that flattered his blue eyes and the cut underlined his broad shoulders. His expression was stern, which was emphasized by his black, square-shaped glasses. Yet, he was surprisingly friendly. His smile and his deep voice felt comforting. “He liked my cookies,” Hikaru grinned, but then shook his head. "What am I thinking about…?" He clicked his tongue. It had been the first time that one of his father's associates was nice to him in a non-creepy way. The clientele normally consisted of other Yakuza Clan leaders or members. Growing up as the son of the head of one of the biggest clans wasn't easy, especially because Hikaru despised violence and weapons. His siblings were better at accepting their lifestyle, but he just wanted to get out of that house as soon as possible. “Oh right, he gave me his card…” The boy reached into his jeans pocket and pulled it out. "Harada Howl, huh…" He stared at the card for a moment and wanted to put it back, but then he hesitated. "He was very kind and polite, I should at least thank him for that, right? Yup, definitely. Manners are important," he told himself, took out his phone, and started typing a message. [Thank you very much for praising my cookies earlier. Best regards, Ueda Hikaru.] He tapped the send button, but then jolted. "Wait! No, that sounds stupid, how do I delete this?!” He panicked, and as he tried to find out how to delete a message on the app he was using, his phone suddenly started buzzing. "Wah!" Startled by that, Hikaru dropped it on the ground and looked at the upwards directed display. “It’s his number! Why is he calling?!" Hikaru's heart was pounding so hard, it felt like it was about to burst through his chest. He reached for the device, but the moment he picked it up, it went silent. "I missed it…" He wasn't sure why, but he felt sad. He sighed in frustration when his phone started buzzing again. "Y-YES?!" He answered so eagerly that he cringed over his own behavior. What the hell is wrong with me , he asked himself. "Ueda-kun...? Are you there?" "Yes, it's me! I’m here!" "Can you talk or are you busy?" "It's fine…" "What are you doing right now?" "I'm still in the garden…" Hikaru leaned back against the tree, happy to hear the man's voice. "Isn’t it lonely out there?" "I don’t like people, they’re troublesome. Being alone outside in nature is much better." Did I just say that I don’t like people?! He’ll think I’m a freak , Hikaru thought, panicking. “Yeah, I don’t like people either, but I have to be social due to my job…” Hikaru’s heart throbbed with happiness. “Really...?” “To be honest, I’d rather spend my days writing code alone in my office than socialize. Talking to people is straining, but not talking to clients would be kind of bad for my business.” “Yeah, probably…” Hikaru smiled broadly as he felt understood in that regard for the first time. “Where are you right now?” “I'm in my car on my way home to Tokyo, that’s why I thought I'd call since I can't type and I didn’t want to wait for an hour before answering. Luckily the meeting with your father was over quickly. He knows exactly what he wants, which makes it easy to work with him.” "So it went well?" "Let’s say, your father is quite a character, but yes, it went well and we’re gonna work for him in the future... Honestly, I've never met someone like him before, and to be blunt, I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing." "It sure isn't. So… That means you're not one of them?" "T hem ? Oh, you mean Yakuza?” Howl asked bluntly. “Yeah…” So it is true , he thought. “No, I’m not and that's not my usual clientele, but having him as a client will actually be great for our growth, he has a lot of influence... As long as they don't want me to do anything shady, I don’t care what my clients do in private." Hikaru felt relieved. "What does your company do?" "It's just boring IT stuff, mostly. Among other things, we develop Smart Home Security Systems and such. We're going to set up new IT systems at your father's offices and install a new Home Security system..." Howl kept rambling about his line of work for a while and, though Hikaru didn't understand most of the technical terms, he wasn't bored for a single second. He enjoyed hearing Howl talk so passionately about his profession, and couldn't help but smile the whole time. "Jeez, I’m babbling, sorry,” Howl interrupted himself at one point. “To continue where we left off earlier, you said you’re going to attend T-Uni in September, right? What faculty?" "Education, I want to become a teacher," Hikaru replied. "Is that so?" "Yeah, my Brother-in-law is a professor and he always talked so passionately about his job, it inspired me." "I see. Well, good luck and work hard, Ueda-kun." "Th-Thank you, I'll do my best. My grades are quite good and I'm really looking forward to my University life." "Are you going to move to Tokyo? It would probably be more convenient than to travel by train every day, right?" "I want to, but I wasn't able to find a job there yet, and there are no free dorms currently.” "Can't your father pay for your rent?" Howl asked bluntly. "Well, he could and he even offered it, but I don't want to rely on his money. It’d make me indebted to him, that’s why I worked hard for my scholarship. I should explain why being independent of him is important… You know, in our world, you’re supposed to take the path your family chooses for you. Basically, you have to work in the family business… My father decides what exactly you’re going to do and his will is our law. But I didn’t want to waste my life doing something I hate, so I made a deal with him that allowed me to take my own path.” “A deal?” “I had to fulfill certain criteria like getting straight A’s in school, present him a life plan and such, which was fine and somewhat reasonable. But if I depended on his money and did anything he’d be displeased with, he could just go and cut me off financially. I'd be forced to come back here and work for him after all. With a job, I would be able to stay in Tokyo and live my own life no matter what.” “So you’re creating your own safety net, huh…” “Yup, that’s the plan. Even if it’s a shitty job and I’ll have a tiny, run-down apartment, anything is better than this house. I really have to find a job, I wanna move out as soon as possible. And the commute would be horrible. By train, it’s one and a half hours each way every day..." “I’m impressed, Ueda-kun. Your determination to stand on your own two feet at such a young age amazes me.” “R-Really?” Hikaru blushed and was glad Howl wasn’t able to see it. “Absolutely! You could live a comfortable life, but you’re choosing the hard way. That’s honorable in my opinion.” “Th...Thanks…” Hikaru replied flustered. “Wait, wasn’t there something you wanted to say when Kitamura-san interrupted us? I just remembered… You said it’s funny that I’m attending T-Uni, because… And then Kitamura-san came in.” “Right, I wanted to say that my sister is a T-Uni alumnus.” “Oh really? Right, you mentioned a sister when we talked about your name. You said you’re both named after the main characters in the book, so her name must be Sophie…?” "Correct. She's my twin and moved to Hokkaido after graduating. She works as a dojo instructor. She’s incredibly talented when it comes to martial arts." " That sounds impressive! But isn’t it tough to live so far apart when you’re twins?" “I do miss her, but she’s working for a prestigious dojo and a famous sensei who’s won many awards, she couldn’t say no to that. We talk on the phone often, though. We’re still very close.” “Do you have any more siblings?” “No, we’re the only family that’s left. Our parents passed away and we only have an aunt who partially raised us. But she lives in the UK… We don’t have a big family like you, unfortunately.” “Well, I might have a big family, but I’m not close with all of them. I’m closest with my brother Hacchan.” “I’m trying to recall the family portrait… He was…” “The one next to me who was holding my hand. He’s very protective over me, even though I’m the older one,” Hikaru smiled lovingly. “We also have a childhood friend, Kaito, who’s my age, and like a brother to me also.” “It’s important to have someone you’re close to.” “Yeah… Especially if you don’t like people,” Hikaru chuckled, and Howl did as well. “That’s true…” They continued to have a very long conversation and both didn't realize how much time had passed. Howl had gotten home, had had dinner, but they were still on the phone together. "Ah-choo!" Hiki suddenly sneezed, interrupting a heated conversation where they were discussing the latest episode of a drama both of them were watching. "Oh, bless you! Wait... Ueda-kun, are you still outside?!" "Yeah, I haven’t moved an inch…" "Jeez, go inside, it's dark already and the nights are still cold! I hope you won’t get sick..." Hikaru smiled, happy that Howl cared about his well being. "I will, sorry." He got up and walked back to the house. When he had reached his room, someone suddenly grabbed his shoulder from behind. Hikaru jolted and almost dropped his phone again. "Wah, what the…? Oh, it’s you… Jeez, you scared me!" His younger brother Hajime was standing behind him. He was the complete opposite of Hikaru. Hajime was tall, strong, and had a toned body due to the martial arts he did. Hiki on the other hand was very slender and looked rather frail. Not unhealthily skinny, but also not muscular at all. So naturally, everyone mistook Hajime for the older one. "Niichan, there you are! Kai came over to play video games, wanna join us?" "Umm no, not today, sorry." Hikaru tried to hide his phone. "What're you up to," Hajime asked curiously as he noticed his brother’s weird behavior. "Noth-... AH-CHOO!" "Eh, are you getting sick again? You should take a hot bath. Want me to-" "No, no, it's fine, really! I'll just go to bed, I'm sleepy, goodnight! And say hi to Kai for me." He turned around and hurried to his room, leaving a startled Hajime behind. Hikaru sighed loudly after he shut the door. "Are you still there Harada-san?" "I am, are you okay? What happened?" "Nothing, just my brother. Where were we?" Hikaru slumped down on his bed and they continued talking for a while longer until the boy started nodding off.On the next morning, Hikaru woke up with a throbbing head and moaned as he got up. He felt horrible. In addition to his throbbing head, his nose was stuffed, his body hurt and his throat felt sore. “Guess I caught a cold after all,” he said to himself with a husky voice. "Jeez, and I fell asleep with my clothes on… Wait! Did we even hang up last night? Oh no..." Hikaru realized that he must have fallen asleep while Howl was still on the phone. His feverish cheeks became even redder. "How embarrassing!" He coughed and took his phone. “A message!” He opened it and read: [Ueda-kun, I hope you're okay. I'm sorry, but I hung up the phone after you fell asleep. Well, I listened to your breathing for a while, which sounds creepy, but it felt so relaxing… Can I call you again tonight? I haven't had that much fun in a long time...] Hikaru's heart skipped a beat. It's fun for him to talk with me , he thought excitedly and typed in an answer. [I feel the same! Sorry for falling asleep (⌒_⌒;) Call me whenever you have time.] Unexpectedly, he received a reply right away. [Can't wait. I’ll call you in the evening after work, around 8.] Hikaru was so happy, he almost forgot how sick he felt. “Niichan?” His younger brother suddenly knocked on the door and opened it. “Are you ready for breakfa- Woah, you look awful!” “Thanks, Hacchan. Good morning to you, too,” Hikaru replied sarcastically. “I knew it! I knew you caught a cold! You were hanging out in the garden for way too long again. How often do I have to tell you to at least take a blanket with you? You know how easily you get sick,” Hajime scolded him. “Anyway, stay here, I’ll go and ask the chef to make some rice porridge and tea, no objections! Do you still have cooling pads? If not, I’ll ask Kai to bring some from the konbini, he’s coming over after work as usual...” “I have a whole box left in my drawer...” Hikaru mumbled. “Alright. Rest now, I’ll be back in a bit.” The boy slumped back down into his pillows as his brother rushed out. “Not gonna put up a fight, too tired…” he huffed to himself. But he appreciated Hajime’s mothering a lot since their actual mother wasn’t exactly the loving type. Hikaru made sure to thank him when he brought the steaming hot meal and freshly brewed tea. Despite his bad health, he was excitedly looking forward to his new friend’s call, but his condition only got worse over time and he slept most of the day. In the end, Hikaru missed the call.He was devastated when he woke up the next morning and saw the missed call on his phone. “I bet he’s mad now…” Hikaru muttered, struggling while trying to sit up, weakened by his cold. He couldn't help but tear up as he gave in and just laid there. “I hate this… I hate myself…” he whispered frustrated and disappointed in himself. He hadn't even noticed that his brother and his childhood friend Kaito had entered his room to look after him. "Niichan, are you crying? What happened, are you feeling worse? Want me to tell Sasara to drive you to the hospital?" Hikaru shook his head. "I’m sad… I really like him, you know… I wanted to talk to him more and maybe even see him again, but now he's probably super mad at me because I didn't pick up the phone last night… Or he thinks I hate him , which I don’t," he sobbed. Hikaru didn’t want to tell them about Howl, but the words just slipped out while Hajime and Kaito looked at each other in confusion. “Finally someone I got along with who isn't my brother or my best friend and I screw it up just because I have to get sick again. Great timing, Hikaru! Well done, you weakling! Dammit…” Hikaru cursed, talking more to himself than to Hajime and Kaito. "What’re you babbling about?" "Maybe he’s hallucinating because of the fever. I mean, he’s done that before... Or he’s just going crazy," Kaito said in his typical nonchalant manner. "I’m so sad," Hikaru sniffled. "The day before yesterday, I met someone and he liked my cookies and accepted me, didn’t judge me… But he probably hates me now and I deserve it!" "Niichan, who the heck is he?" Hajime asked concernedly. Hikaru sat up, moaning. "Ugh, I’m dizzy…” He took a deep breath. “His name is Harada-san. He totally gets me, and he’s just so cool, and it’s sooo much fun talking to him," Hikaru swooned with a runny nose. "Ew, gross…" Kaito remarked at that sight and threw a tissue at his friend. Hiki blew his nose weakly and continued: "He had an appointment with father because something, something, computer stuff.” Hiki nodded knowingly. ”He likes computers more than people. Just how I like… Anything more than people. Okay, I like some people. Like him ... He was waiting for father and I offered him tea and cookies... He really liked my cookies, did I mention that…?" Hiki grinned dreamily. “Wait, he’s one of father’s business partners? Niichan, those people are dangerous, what the hell’s gotten into you?!” “He’s not like that, Hacchan. No, no. He’s a good guy. Very good. A good cookie...” Hiki giggled. "What’s with the damn cookies all the time? You're such a weirdo..." “See, even you think that I’m a weirdo. But he doesn’t!” Hajime stepped closer and placed his hand on his brother's forehead. "Jeez, you're burning up, Niichan! Come on, lay back down." Hiki diligently did so and Hajime tucked him in. "I'll go and get you breakfast, you need to eat something, you’re completely delusional. Kai, can you stay with him?" Kaito nodded and sat down at Hiki's desk which was covered in books and notepads. "Hacchan, please don't tell mother that I got sick again, she’d kill me..." Hiki mumbled drowsily. "As if I would do that," Hajime replied, clicked his tongue and left the room. “Hey Hiki, I didn’t want to say anything in front of your brother, but you sound like you have a crush on that guy,” Kaito said, but all he got in reply was snoring. “...Rude. Well, maybe it’s all just nonsense because of the fever… Last time you were down with a cold, you talked about a purple elephant with green wings and antennas that was taking you for a ride over Mount Fuji...” Kairo dismissed his assumption. But then his eyes fell on one of his childhood friend’s notebooks on the floor next to his bed, which had the name ‘Howl’ written all over it, with notes added such as: ‘likes chocolate chip cookies and chips’, ‘has a twin sister named Sophie’, ‘born on February 7th’, ‘likes the color blue’... “Jeez, Hiki... Let’s hope this is going to end well…” Kaito mumbled, frowning. "Crap, he didn't even eat or drink anything," Hajime cursed when he reentered the room a few minutes later and saw that his brother was sound asleep. "Just put it on his nightstand, he’ll eat it later.” “You know that he won’t, I’ll have to remind him. He’s so negligent when it comes to taking care of himself.” “True… Hey, that was some weird stuff he said, huh? Will you keep an eye on that?" "Definitely. If what he said wasn't a fever dream, then there's someone who obviously has some sort of interest in him. And a guy at that... Older than him too," Hajime clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "But it didn't sound like it was another Yakuza, so he should be safe, right?" "I don't know. It's weird that Niichan is so into someone he just met. It's not like him at all, you know how shy and reserved he normally is towards anyone, even other family members. This is concerning..." "Or maybe you're just overprotective? Maybe you're overthinking and they just get along well…? He doesn't have any friends besides us, so maybe he finally decided to open up a little more…" "Kai, you’ve known him since you were four… Do you really believe that he all of a sudden decided to become sociable? Niichan, who barely even opens up to us?!" "Okay, not really. But what are we going to do? He's not a kid, we can't tell him not to talk to strangers…" "Yeah, but…" Hiki's buzzing phone next to his pillow interrupted their discussion. Hajime leaned over and looked at the screen to see who was calling. "It says Cookie-san… So it wasn’t a fever dream..." "Are you gonna pick it up?" The second Kaito had finished his question, Hajime had grabbed the phone and answered the call. "Listen, whoever you are! I don't know what kind of game you're playing with my brother, but you better not have any shady intentions, or I'll find you and tear you a new one!" "Ah, you must be his little brother... Hacchan, right? My name is Harada Howl, nice to talk to you." "My name is Hajime! What do you want from him? I swear, if you’re from a rival group and hurt him in any way… You know what my family is capable of, right? You’re gonna regret the day you were born!" "Growing up in certain social circles probably makes you raise suspicion against others easily, but I'm a decent guy,” Howl replied calmly. “I’m not in that line of work. I run my own successful IT company. I'm not a crook, and I have no bad intentions regarding your brother. I respect that you want to protect him, that's what family does, and your brother speaks very highly of you. The two of you seem very close, but he’s eighteen, he can make his own decisions..." Hajime was surprised and even impressed by that man's straightforwardness and calm manner even after being threatened. "What exactly are your intentions?" "I don't have any. I just enjoy talking to him. It’s fun, interesting, and invigorating… He has a great personality and I would like to get to know him better." "Tch. You sound like you have a crush on him," Hajime said provocatively. "My brother isn't gay, so don't get your hopes up. You should just leave him alone." "Can't do that, sorry. Like I said, your brother is old enough to make his own decisions. If he tells me to leave him alone, then I will respect that. But brother or not, you don't have the right to tell me that in his place. Though you can rest assured that even if I had a crush on him, I would never force myself onto him. Anyhow, is this interrogation over? Because I would like to talk to him now." "He… He's sleeping off a cold,” Hajime replied honestly, startled by the stranger’s words. "I see, so that's why he didn't pick up my call last night. I will let him recover then. It was nice talking to you, Hacchan-kun. Maybe I'll have the pleasure again. Goodbye." "Hacchan-k…? I told you, my name is-... He hung up…!" Hajime looked at Kaito dumbfounded. "What happened? What did he say?" Hajime needed a moment to process their conversation. "...I hate to admit it, but I guess he's cool. Very blunt, but he seemed honest. I don't think he's a threat to Niichan... I'll still keep an eye on this whole situation though. Come on now, let's leave so he can get some rest." “He is resting… He didn’t even flinch. Once this guy’s asleep, it’s like he’s in a coma…” “I know, but do you wanna stay and watch my brother sleep, or do you wanna go to my room and make out?” “Hmm… Not sure what's more fun...” Kaito replied teasingly. "I'll show you what's more fun," Hajime growled, grabbed Kai's hand, and dragged him out of the room. For the next few days, Hiki was down with his cold. Due to his weak immune system, he was used to getting sick easily, but this time it hit him really hard. He had a very high fever and was out cold most of the time. Thankfully, Hajime and Kaito took good care of him. They wanted to call a doctor, but Hiki declined because he didn’t want their mother to get wind of it. They had a very strained relationship, and she hated when he became a bother to her. Hiki desperately wanted to avoid one of her tantrums, so he assured them that he’d be fine. After three days of mostly sleeping, he had finally recovered. Though, even his illness couldn’t keep him from constantly checking his phone to see if Howl had at least sent a message. But there was nothing. Hiki figured that this new friendship was over before it had even really started, and it made him incredibly sad. He thought about sending Howl a message to apologize but didn't dare to. "Jeez Niichan, stop sulking over some stranger…" Hajime rolled his eyes after he had entered his brother's room to check up on him. But all he saw was a blanket ball on the bed. “How are you feeling today?” "I'm not sulking. My fever is gone, I feel much better. Thank you for taking care of me, Hacchan, you're the best,” the blanket ball replied with a muffled voice. "I know, I know." Hajime smiled, happy about his big brother's praise. Hiki sat up and uncovered himself. "Where's Kaito? Don't you have karate practice today? He usually watches you…" "We had a fight…" Hajime sighed and slumped down on Hiki's bed. "Oh really? What happened?" "I wanted to make out earlier, but he didn't... And then I… kinda told him to stop bitching - OW!" Hiki had reached out and smacked his brother on the back of his head. "You're an idiot! Apologize, now!" He glared at Hajime. "I know, it was extremely shitty of me, and I feel really bad about it, but he won't pick up his phone…" "So what? Go to his house, it's just down the road! Hacchan, you need to understand that now that you guys are more than just friends, you have to be a little more careful with your words and actions. You’re so perfect for each other, please don't ruin it. I wish I had what you guys have…" "...Really?" "Of course! I mean, just because I never had a love interest doesn't mean I want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want someone who I can love and who loves me back…" "I really love him, that's why I can't help wanting to touch him all the time- OW! Niichaaaan, stop that!" "Hacchan, seriously, I know you’re only 16, but get your teenage hormones in check! If you love him that much, and I know you do, treat him with the respect he deserves. I can't believe that I really have to tell you that!" "Hey, I’m turning 17 next month! But you're right. I'll go over and apologize in person. Maybe I should pick some flowers on my way there..." "Now that's more like you, Hacchan!" Hiki patted his brother's head. "Niichan, my hair~" Hajime got up and walked over to the door. "What are you going to do today? Are you gonna stay in bed again?" "Hm… No, I think I'll sneak out and head over to Ramen Jiji." “I’ll go with you!” “No. You go and apologize. You don't have much time anyway, your practice will start soon, so hurry up.” “But you shouldn’t go to town all by yourself. Ask Sasara-san to drive you…” “I don’t want a guard, it’s awkward.” Hajime sighed. “So stubborn... But you barely ate anything in the past few days, so a big bowl of Jiji’s stamina ramen would do you good… Just be careful, okay?" "Yup." Hiki scooted over to the edge of his bed. "But first, I'll take a shower…" "And… You should call him," Hajime mumbled. "Huh?" Hiki's heart skipped a beat. "Call whom? What are you talking about?" Hajime rolled his eyes. "That guy you were swooning over when you were running a fever. If you like him, call him. Anyway, talk to you later.” He turned around and quickly left the room. Hiki blushed. He had absolutely no recollection of talking about Howl. ‘If you like him, call him’ , he thought. “As if that’s so easy…” Hiki sighed, got up, and went to the bathroom to get ready. Afterwards, he snuck out of the big, fenced property through his usual secret exit to go on the thirty-minute bike ride away to his favorite restaurant. Hikaru cursed the remoteness of their home every time he went there. Riding the bike for that long was exhausting to him, especially after lying in bed for days. Though the scenery of the countryside and the great air kind of made up for it. It was one of the rare moments when he felt free. At least a little bit. After Hiki arrived at his destination, huffing and sweaty, he sat down at the counter and placed his favorite book, that he had brought along, on it. The shop was quite busy, so he decided to start reading until the waitress had time to take his order. He loved going to that small and cozy shop. It was a little run down, but that just added to its charm, and the staff was always very kind to him. Plus, to Hiki, Jiji made the best Ramen in the world. "I'll be right there, Hiki-kun," the waitress shouted over when she noticed him. "No hurry, Kida-san," Hiki replied. "Ueda-kun?!" A deep voice behind him startled Hiki and he jolted around. His heart stopped when he saw the person standing there. "H-Harada-san? What are you doing here?" "I had an appointment at one of your father's offices nearby and got hungry… Since you're here, I assume you're feeling better?" "Huh?" "You were sick, weren't you? Are you okay yet? You look pale…" he frowned concernedly. "I-I'm okay… But how do you know?" "May I?" Howl asked before sitting down on a chair next to him after Hiki had nodded. "I called the other day, and your brother picked up your phone." "Hacchan? He didn't mention anything…" "He told me that you were sick, so I wanted to give you time to recover before contacting you again. But… I couldn't stand to wait anymore and wanted to call you yesterday. Unfortunately, something came up at work, and in the end, it had gotten very late. I was planning to call you this evening, but now that I met you here, would you like to have lunch with me?" Howl smiled and Hiki’s heart skipped a beat. "I-I would love to," he sparkled, happy and relieved. Howl's chest tightened. He's way too cute for his own good , he thought. Howl didn't plan on making any advances towards Hiki, but seeing him again in person, he was now 100% sure that he had fallen for that boy. "Alright, Hiki-kun. What can I bring you today," the waitress asked smiling as she approached him. "Um, I'd like a bowl of stamina ramen, please," he replied. "And for your friend?" "Can you recommend anything, Ueda-kun?" Howl asked. "Hmm… Everything tastes great here, to be honest. But maybe… Jiji’s special Tonkotsu Ramen? I mean, if Tonkotsu is something you like, you should try it, Jiji’s is the best!" "Sounds great, I'll have that," Howl told the waitress, who nodded and walked over to the kitchen. In the meantime, Hiki and Howl switched to one of the tables in the back for more privacy. "I'm really happy to have met you here, Ueda-kun. I wanted to talk to you more and I would like to have more of your delicious cookies… Jeez, I sound like a creep again…" "N-No, not at all! If I would've known that I'd meet you here, I would've brought you some. Next time, I promise," Hiki smiled broadly. "Next time? Love to hear that," Howl said and returned the smile, which made Hiki's heart throb, and he swallowed hard. What the heck was that, he thought, startled by his own reaction. "Oh, by the way… I stopped at one of my family's branches and got you this." Howl rummaged around in his dark brown leather briefcase and handed Hiki a black box with a golden peony emblem, and the writing 'Harada Sweets" on it. "Good thing I forgot to take it out after I bought it." "W-What is this?" Hiki asked dumbfounded. "Open it… I didn't know if you like them, but I decided to give it a shot." Hiki opened the shiny box and inside was a mix of colorful Japanese sweets that were shaped like flowers. "Uwah~ Namagashi! I love Namagashi, and these are especially pretty, thank you Harada-san!" Hiki sparkled. Howl cleared his throat, touched by the boy’s blitheness over such a simple gift. "I'm glad you like them. And thank you for having lunch with me, food always tastes better with company." "I agree! And… Well... I enjoy talking to you too,” he stuttered blushing. "Here you go..." The waitress suddenly showed up and placed their ramen on the table. They thanked her and Howl took a bite. “Oh wow, it’s really good! I haven’t had Tonkotsu this good in Tokyo!" “I know, right?” Hiki grinned and slurped in some noodles. “Oh, hold on… There's something on your cheek…" Howl reached out, wiped a little soup smudge off of Hiki's cheek, and licked it off his thumb. "W-What are you doing?" Hiki asked with a shocked expression. "It was a reflex," Howl replied, realizing that he might have gone too far, while Hiki's heart was beating like crazy and his face was glowing red. "Sorry for crossing a line,” he added and quickly changed the subject. "What was that book you were reading earlier, by the way?" "Book...? Oh, it's called Midair, Deep Sea by Usami Akihiko. He's my favorite author! It's one of his older works, they're a bit sad and gloomy. His more recent publications give off a lighter feeling, but I really like this one. He's a great author, he was the youngest person ever to win the Aomori Award," Hiki babbled. "I see," Howl smiled. "Ah, I'm sorry. I got carried away again..." "It's good to have something you're passionate about. Nothing to apologize for," Howl encouraged him. "Passionate… Like you and your computer things?" "Yeah… I've talked about that a lot, huh… I know it's boring, I get carried away too, I guess," Howl smiled apologetically. "It wasn't boring at all… It's good to have something you're passionate about. Nothing to apologize for," Hiki quoted him grinning. “Okay, you got me there,” Howl chuckled, glad that his action from before hadn’t ruined the mood. They continued talking about everything and anything and enjoyed their time together. There wasn't a single moment of awkward silence or anything alike, and they didn't even notice how time passed, just like during their call the other day. But then, all of a sudden, Hiki's phone started ringing. "Oh… Please excuse me, that's probably Hacchan checking up on me…" Hiki said, but then his soft expression hardened as he looked at the display. Howl was a bit startled by that since the boy almost looked like a different person. "Yes, Harumi? Oh... Okay. As you wish, I'll be there in half an hour… I’m sorry, I can’t be there sooner, I… Yes. Okay... Understood." He hung up and looked down on the table. Howl thought he seemed daunted, which made his heart throb heavily. "I'm sorry Harada-san, but I have to leave now.” Hiki got up. “Right now? Why so sudden? I hope nothing bad happened…” “That was my sister, she needs me to take care of her daughter. Something came up, and it's their Nanny's day off." Hiki sighed, he was devastated. He would've loved to spend more time with Howl but it couldn’t be helped. He knew that if he'd refused to follow his sister's orders, she would make his life a living hell. She was just like their mother. "I see... What a shame, I would've loved to spend more time with you. But I guess it can’t be helped," Howl said, and again, the boy’s heart skipped a beat. It was as if he read Hiki’s mind. "I’m so sorry, I have to hurry. They don't know that I'm here, I'm actually not allowed to leave the property without a guard. The bike ride back will take half an hour, so..." Hiki wanted to take out his wallet to pay for his meal, but Howl stopped him. "Please… That's on me." "B-But…" "Let me handle it as compensation for the tea and your delicious cookies the other day," Howl smiled. "Um… Okay. Thank you very much." Hiki blushed again and bowed. "I really, really enjoyed talking to you, Howl-san." "How about I drive you back home? Your bike would fit in the trunk…" "Huh? No, I don't want to trouble you," Hiki replied politely, but secretly hoped Howl would insist on it, just so they could spend 15 more minutes together. “No objections. I probably kept you here for longer than you would’ve originally stayed, so let me make up for it. Now let’s hurry so you won’t get into trouble." “Thank you,” Hiki smiled, happy that he would actually get those 15 extra minutes with Howl. They carefully placed Hiki’s bike in the Audi’s trunk and got into the car. Weirdly, they didn’t talk much on their way to the Ueda estate. Howl mentioned the beautiful scenery, but Hiki frantically thought about what he could use as a reason to meet with Howl again as soon as possible. “Ah, please stop here,” Hiki suddenly said. “If you drive me up to the main entrance…” “Yeah, they’d know you snuck out. But isn’t this too far from the house?” “There’s a hole in the fence over there. I’ll have to run, but this is the only way in.” “What about your bike?” Howl asked as they got out of the car, and he took it out of the trunk. “I always hide it over there in the bushes. Thank you so much, Harada-san. For everything…” Hiki said and turned around to leave, wanting to ask him when they could meet again, but his shyness was too overpowering. “Ah, Ueda-kun!" Howl stopped him and he jolted around. "Y-Yes!?" “I would like to meet you again soon… There's a festival in Machida this weekend, I saw a poster somewhere this morning. Would you like to go?” “I would love to,” Hiki gleamed. “Great! How about 7 pm? I could pick you up here...” “Let's meet at Machida station instead. There are guards patrolling the area around the property at night, they'd see the car... The train station is safer.” “Alright. Saturday, 7 pm at Machida station. Can't wait,” Howl smiled. Hiki smiled back broadly and nodded enthusiastically in agreement before he turned around and left in a hurry. While he was watching his niece, Hiki thought about Howl and their conversation. That man’s face always had this earnest expression, but when he smiled, he looked so kind and even cute. Though to him, he also looked cute while wearing that earnest expression. Is it even appropriate to think of someone as cute who’s seven years my senior , Hiki wondered. He also thought about how he smelled really nice, how big his hands were, and that his deep voice had such an interesting sound, which was even more intense and mesmerizing when he wasn't talking through a phone… Hiki suddenly shook his head to clear his thoughts as he built a lego tower with his niece. Why did he feel so drawn to this stranger? He had never experienced feelings like that before… “Hikaru-oji, stop daydreaming or I’ll tell mom that you did a bad job,” his seven-year-old niece complained, and for the rest of the time, he focused on the spoiled little girl. After he was done complying with his uncle-duties, Hiki went to his room and dropped on his bed. Normally, he was exhausted after watching that kid, but this time, he felt ecstatic. "Ugh, why am I so happy…?" he whispered as he touched his cheek where Howl had wiped off the soup. "Please let Saturday come quickly."

[dreamcatcherfication]

Like a Dream That You Can’t Quite Place

So this was a fic requested by @burntuakrisp at one point, and even though it took some time to get around to, here it is! This is a mash up of Satisfied from Hamilton, but Anna singing about Kat. Now I didn’t want to do a direct song-to-story format, so I tried something a little different. This is more of a “inspired by” type, so you’ll catch references to Satisfied, but it’s not actually sung at any point. There’s a part of this that might be a little controversial so let’s hope I don’t get cancelled for it. Sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors, turns out it’s because I’m a ten year old boy who finds sex jokes funny.

Writing Masterpost

And note: Just because this takes place in the past does not mean I am writing about the actual wives of Henry VIII. These are still the musical characters but set in the past.

If you want to send a request or a prompt, my inbox is always open! I publish a story at 8:00 AM PST everyday, so I’m always in need of new ideas. Now featuring random asks:

Prompts | More Prompts | The Trifecta of Prompts | Random Asks

Trigger Warnings: Vague mentions of sexual abuse, mentions of beheading, Henry VIII

In truth, Anna had not wanted to come to the wedding, nor had she found it appropriate that she had been invited. Who would think it would be anything less than awkward for the former wife of the king to come witness his marriage to the new queen. However, it wasn’t jealousy that made the situation awkward, but rather the groom who now stood between two extremely close women. Or in Katherine’s case, girl. 

Anna had not attended the actual ceremony, but she was amongst the dancers in the banquet hall who surrounded the king and his new queen as they feasted. It was strange seeing her dear friend Katherine now wearing a crown of jewels and sitting next to a man three times her size, but Anna could say nothing. She approached the queen and kneeled down. “Your Majesty,” she greeted courtly.

Glancing around uncomfortably, Katherine gently put a hand on Anna’s shoulder. “You do not have to kneel Anna, you were a queen just as I am.”

“Of course, Your Majesty,” Anna continued to remain formal. If they were in private, Anna would find it absurd to use the royal terms with her former lady in waiting, but she wouldn’t dare cross that line with Henry sitting right next to Katherine. “I’ve come to congratulate you on your marriage.”

Henry clutched his large stomach and forced a smile towards Anna. “How sweet of you, dear sister. Have you brought gifts?”

Nodding, Anna unclasped the locket that she had hanging around her neck. “An antique locket from the House of Cleves. I’m sure her majesty will enjoy it greatly.”

Gasping as she was handed the locket, Katherine admired its beauty. “It’s stunning Anna, thank you so much. Will you help me put it on?”

Realizing he was being forced out of the conversation, Henry cut in. “I can do that, my darling.” He leaned over and grabbed the locket, holding it up to Katherine’s neck. The girl frowned when he fumbled with the clasp, his fat fingers unable to hook it properly. Katherine uncomfortably shifted in the long amount of time it took before Henry finally got the locket in place. “Perfect. It looks radiant on someone as beautiful as you,” he flirted with Katherine, who seemed far too nervous for someone who was married to the man.

Anna started to back away, knowing that Henry had already dismissed her by turning his attention back to Katherine. The girl shot one last longing glance in Anna’s direction before she was forced to return her attention to her husband.

Meanwhile, Anna found herself exiting the hall to go for a walk about the grounds. She could not stand staying in that stifled hall, surrounded by the people who had once ridiculed her. She missed the comfort of Katherine as her lady in waiting, the soft moments they would spend together away from all the horrors of the real world. It was hard for her to see everything they had built together fall apart because of the king. As she traversed the palace grounds, Anna couldn’t help but feel herself start to rewind time, falling into a memory she so clearly remembered.

The sky was bright and the breeze blew through Anna’s hair, the sound of birds chirping almost picture perfect. Of course Anna wasn’t alone (her ladies in waiting were a few feet behind her) but Anna could almost feel free when roaming outside. “Milady,” one of the girls called.

“Yes?”

The lady in waiting made sure there was a wide berth between her and her queen. “The king has requested your presence, he has a new lady in waiting he wishes for you to meet. I believe he has taken rather a,” the girl spoke disdainfully, “liking to this one.”

Sighing, Anna turned away from her freedom and followed her ladies back into the palace where her husband awaited. As much as she disliked her husband, she knew there were far worse men to be wed to. Henry spoke so lowly of her, yet he let her do as she pleased throughout the palace. If he was requesting her presence, then clearly he meant business.

Henry was standing outside of Anna’s bedchambers, his hand on the shoulder of a young girl. The girl was a teenager, and her gaze was thoroughly frightened (although she was doing her best to appear calm). “My wife,” Henry said, his tone a mix between disgust and politeness. “It seems we have received a new lady for you, a one Miss Katherine Howard.”

Katherine was one of the most beautiful girls Anna had ever seen. Sure, she considered herself to be quite beautiful no matter what Henry said, but this girl was a rose, plucked directly from the Garden of Eden. For once, Anna felt something deep in her heart start to stir. “Miss Howard, how kind of you to join us. You must be special if the king has brought you here himself.”

“Oh no,” Katherine spoke and curtseyed. “I am of no importance, but his Grace is most kindly.” Anna had to hide a scoff at that comment. Henry was far from kindly, but he loved hearing praise, something Katherine seemed to understand very well.

Growing bored of the women’s interactions, Henry’s voice drowned out any other conversation. “Well I must return to my duties, and you ladies to your needlework, I assume. It was lovely to meet you Katherine,” Henry gave her a full toothed smile that made all the ladies nervous. He spared a glance to his wife and muttered, “And you do as you will.”

There was a clear tension among the ladies as they realized what was going on. Henry was very clearly showing his wife that he had interests in Katherine, knowing that neither of the girls could do a thing about it. “Hello, my queen,” Katherine cut into the silence, doing her best to retain any semblance of proper court. When the girl looked up and gave Anna that smile, oh the queen could almost forget her name. 

Anna dismissed the other ladies and went inside her chambers with Katherine. “Tell me, where is your family from?”

“Unimportant,” Katherine replied, her face flinching. “I am your humble servant, my background does not matter.”

Watching the way she fidgeted, Anna elected not to push further. She knew Katherine probably came from a bad family she did not want Anna to know about (and by acting the way she did, Katherine had unintentionally given that away). Everything about Katherine was so immediately endearing, and Anna knew from the start they were meant to have some sort of connection. Not the kind Henry was trying to form, but the kind that would last. 

And that was why Anna tried so hard to stomp it out.

B l i n k i n g back into the present, Anna realized she had come across a small grove of trees and plants in the palace grounds. She vividly remembered the times she would bring Kat out into the grove to practice dancing with her. The two of them rejoiced in the private time they spent in each other’s company. Of all Anna’s servants, she had grown comfortable with Kat, enough that they would forgo appearances when free of any probing eyes.

Now, alone in the grove with only the dark of the night, Anna felt as if the memories were ghosts of a past life. She was no longer the queen, and Katherine was no longer her servant. They were different people than the two who had hidden within the grove.

Humming a low tune, Anna walked in circles around the trees, twirling as she passed rocks and cobblestone. She had her arms up as she so often had in the past, leading Kat through courtly dances. “I feel we would still be together if not for the three truths I’ve realized,” Anna spoke to the empty grove. It was easier for her to tell Kat her feelings when the girl was nowhere near enough to hear her.

“The three fundamental truths,” Anna whispered, mostly to herself. There was a stumble in her dancing before Anna resumed with more vigor than when she started. “One. Henry is the king. No matter how much you or I disagree with him, he can have what he wants. And if he wants you, there’s nothing I can do but try and make it easier for you.” Anna had no choice but to obey the king, but that did not quell her desire to defy him and keep Katherine safe with her.

Continuing to hum her tune, Anna came up next to a gnarled tree. Resting her back against the tree, she mimed pulling her partner closer to her. “Two. Your family is of low status. You’ve never disclosed your upbringing to me, but I can tell by the way you act. If Henry had any idea how close we had grown, he would not allow it. Servants and royalty do not mix, unless it is the king and his mistress. The only way he will allow us to be around each other publically is if you are his wife and I am his sister.” 

The image of Katherine standing next to the King wormed its way into Anna’s mind. She wanted to tear the image in half, never to be seen again. But the picture was reality. Anna had no power to rewrite reality. “Three. You’ve always been vague about it, but you confided in me about what had happened in your childhood. What those men had done to you.” A choking sound made its way through Anna’s throat as she realized what she was trying to say. “To tell you that I feel that same connection with you that they did… I cannot do that to you in good conscience. So I will suffer in silence, knowing that I can never be satisfied of this hunger deep within me.” 

Her dancing halted as Anna stared at her empty hands. “I hope you will be happy with your groom.”

Inevitably, Anna knew there would be a catch. She tried not to grow close to Katherine, knowing that Henry was pursuing her. Anna and Katherine were being pitted against each other for the title of queen, and Anna would not allow herself to come between Katherine and the most powerful man in England. She didn’t want Henry to marry Katherine, but she also didn’t want to be exiled by the king for fighting back, ultimately resulting in Katherine and Henry’s marriage anyway.

When it came down to it, Anna was helpless to stop Henry.

But if Anna had known Kat’s fate, she would have allowed herself to be exiled a thousand times over, she would’ve put her own head on a chopping block if it gave her the chance to prevent Kat’s death. Henry had known how close the two girls were, so he ordered that none of her servants tell her of the girl’s imprisonment. It was no act of mercy on his part, but rather for efficiency. If Anna knew what he planned to do to Kat, she would have fought tooth and nail to save the girl.

When she received news about Katherine after six months of silence, it was the news of her death. The pain it brought upon Anna was like no sickness she had ever known. Without being conscious of it, Anna made the vow never to be remarried. She would not betray Kat’s memory by moving on and pushing the love she felt for her best friend to the side. She could never feel the love she felt for Kat with another man. For weeks she refused to interact with her servants beyond what was absolutely necessary. She could not forgive them for keeping Katherine’s imprisonment from her.

But the most painful part were her fantasies. The nights where she could still see Katherine’s eyes, the innocent, most beautiful gaze preserved. In the candlelight, Anna could still remember the way Kat had looked at her when they first met. Anna felt her stomach tighten, knowing those eyes would never rest on her again. She had thought that by allowing Kat’s marriage to Henry, she would still be able to see those angel eyes. But Henry had taken that away from her as well.

Standing in the empty ballroom at Richmond only reminded Anna of the time she had with Kat. When the girl was married to Henry, it had been hard to keep their friendship alive, but they had managed as best they could. Feeling a hand on her shoulder, Anna turned around

and came face to face with Katherine in her regal dress. The girl still had the same youthful glint in her eyes, despite now having the status of a queen. The ballroom was alive with dancers and music, the air bright and festive. “It’s been so long Anna.”

Swallowing thickly, Anna nodded. “It has Kat.” Letting her eyes drop, Anna noticed the locket around Katherine’s neck. “You still have it?”

Looking down to confirm what Anna was staring at, Kat smiled. “Yes, I never take it off. You would have to chop my head off like Boleyn to get me to part with it.”

The sick feeling in Anna’s stomach grew exponentially, but she hid it behind a polite smile. “Well then, would you like to dance with me, Your Majesty?” Holding out a hand, Anna watched her darling gracefully take it.

“I would love to.” As it had always been, Anna led the dance. There was nothing special about it, just the swaying to the melodies produced by the lute. The way their hands fit together felt so right, but Anna knew it wouldn’t last. She knew Kat would have to leave. That’s why she danced with her for far longer than was traditionally acceptable in the court.

It was the best moment of her life, the soft, silent comfort of Kat in her arms. It was the most relaxed that Anna had ever seen the queen. Kat needed the comfort of a friend, and that was what Anna would give her. Nothing else. There were far too many reasons why Anna was trapped in her position. But from where she currently stood, her position was not so bad.

The dance was stopped when Anna yawned and stumbled on her feet. “You should get some sleep, it’s very late,” Kat spoke softly, pulling herself away from Anna.

“Wait, don’t leave,” Anna pleaded, reaching out.

The queen frowned but then giggled at the desperate face Anna was making. “Why?”

“I’m afraid I might never see you again,” Anna confessed, remembering the news of Katherine’s death. She was frightened that if Kat left the room, she would never return.

Putting a hand on Anna’s arm, Katherine smiled. “You’re insatiable, just like the king. But I’ll always be here with you. As long as you remember me, I’ll never leave you.” Kat balanced on her tip toes and gave Anna a kiss on the cheek before scurrying out of the room.

“Wait!” Anna called, reaching a hand out, but Katherine was already gone.

The ballroom was once again silent and dark, not a single soul but Anna within. Dropping to her knees, Anna stared up at the ceiling and prayed that Kat had been granted mercy. “She was right,” the woman choked out. “Henry will never be satisfied.”

“I will never be satisfied.”

[fakeboitherottengirl]

my 100 ideas

Most of these totally suck but i wrote 100 of them so let me know if any of them sound like something you would read or have any ideas for how to spice them up with blood and gore and how to get the most shock possible out of the idea.  

-Two girls become drifter killers to fund the abortion of father-daughter incest

- Zombies like EDM and converge on a rave, replacing the drugged up crowd with nobody noticing

-human farming and a cannibal restaurant

-girls discover fairies and torture them

-two pageant stars become pro-ana superstars

-people earn points in an online game called “Calligula” by committing crimes and filming them

-A boy befriends a vampire trucker and reminds him of his last mortal love

-mall goths murder a “poser” in the woods

- De sade as a transcript of a hurtcore chatroom

-neighborhood kids who congregate at “dirt Hill” bully a child to death who comes back and haunts them in their teens

-A suicide club starts at a highschool

-Oliver twist remake where they are prostitutes instead of thieves

-A glitch in time leaves a rapist turned into a child and lands him at the mercy of his victim

-killer caterpillars

-Aliens that can only get you if you think of them

-A bulimic girl vomits up a baby

-Monsters live in the sand of a beach

-Experiments done on kids to turn them into weapons

-A pedophile on the run with his victim writes a fake memoir supposedly penned by the victim about murdering his family to escape

-Women storm the white house to torture/kill a rapist president

-An exchange studentl living in germany is called upon by the ghosts of a murdered jewish family to kill the family next door who are descendants of the nazis that killed them

-addicts at the end of the world trying to stay high

-anti-aging cream is made of dead 3rd world babies

-Bigfoot, our protagonist, tries to befriend a group of campers but accidentally kills them all off

-Prtending to be underaged, a girl traps a sadist pedophile in his own BDSM dungeon

-An american pedophile in asia becomes possessed by the ghost of a little girl killed in a brothyl

-a girl mutilates herself in her room in an attempt to look “beautiful” by cutting off all the features she finds ugly

-Satanists overtake a christian summer camp for SRA rituals

-A girl who is being molested’s dolls com to life in order to kill her stepfather, told from the POV of her favorite teddy bear

- A girl falls in love with a ghost who she can only see when she asphyxiates so she becomes hooked on duster

-A mute autistic girl befriends a demon who gets vengeance on her bullies

-Two DID alters fall in love and write love letters to each other in a diary even though they can never exist at the same time, plan revenge on church gardner who abused the host and caused the split in an attempt to be whole

-A child who killed another child is released from prison upon turning 18.  When another child goes missing he must solve the mystery to clear his name with the help of his murder victim’s sister (who turns out to be the real killer)

-An adopted girl, upon turning 18, searches for her birth family only to discover a human puppy mill

-Two little boys abduct and murder another at a carnival and watch the panic unravel as the adults search for him

-A cult leader drives his followers to mass suicide

-A mother and daughter break a murderer out of jail and fight for his affections

-a school adopts lobotomies for problem students

-A human trafficker crosses paths with a telekinetic child

-An adopted girl finds out she is the blood heir to an enormous hurtcore ring

-A woman becomes aware that she is a character in a story and begins fighting the writer, who plans to write her into a tragedy

-a rich girl who has spent her life in a self sufficient high rise accidentally hits a lower-floor elevator button to discover that the zombie apocalypse has been happening for over a decade

-The son of a truck stop stripper living motel to motel comes across a magic pack of cigarettes that each grant a wish when smoked.  In the end he gives his last one to his mom and she wishes he was never born and he disappears.

-An abusive troubled teen camp in the wilderness combats a masked slasher

-Activists free elephants at a circus but are captured by sadistic clowns

-Patient zero of a zombie virus goes around infecting hundreds of people through her work in a fast food chain because she cant take paid time off

-A vigilante caring for her murdered best friend’s infant has to take out a chain of criminals while still keeping up with the overwhelming task of motherhood

-A new club drug goes around the rave scene, highly addictive, eventually turns you into a zombie but so addictive people cant stop using it

-A girl wakes up and lives the same day out 100 times, with each day becoming more gruesome and out of control as she tries to stop the death of her best friend from happening

-A woman with no memories is arrested for involvement in a hurtcore ring

-Teens in a mental hospital after a rash of suicide attempts begin to die in strange accidents around the hospital

-A girl singer rising to fame realizes shes being prepared to be sacrificed by a death cult

-A boy who accidentally murdered his sister as a child becomes obsessed with a local girl who looks like she would have grown up to and stalks her, killing everybody close to her to “get his sister back” for his dying mother

-after trying acid for the first time a college girl is dragged back in time and witnesses the slaughter of the natives by settlers and is taken in by a native family fighting back

-A conscious zombie takes out a white supremecist stronghold

-Teens at a christian youth retreat battle a tentacle monster that feeds on virginity

-A haunted house bonds with the family that it is killing after falling in love with the lonely teenage daughter

-After abuse in the industry, a porn star seeks revenge against the producer who abused her, rendering her infertile

-A little girl who lives in a funeral home forms a bond with a senile old man who believes her to be his dead wife reincarnated

-A cursed school play production where the creepy theater teacher has a deal with the devil to sacrifice the lead girl, who grows a thirst for blood

-Upon puberty a girl starts to gruesomely turn into a mermaid despite her family’s assurances that these changes are beautiful and special

-a homeless prostitute forces her son to be her daughter in order to scam and kill pedophile men

-somebody nearby dies whenever a child sucks her thumb and she tries to break the habit

-after discovering her beloved guide dog is a demonic hell hound who needs human flesh to survive, a blind girl goes about finding deserving victims for him to eat

-A band of punk rockers find themselves set upon by nazis after one is killed at their show, the nazis have super-meth

-Everyday life in a small town is disrupted when the residents awake to find themselves living with grotesque cartoon physics

-A date-rapist catches an STD that turns his penis sentient and against him

-A boy who has never seen the sunlight is identified as a kidnapped infant and returned to his family, who have no idea how to handle his PTSD

-A tween popstar’s lyrics contain satanic messages that make his fans killers they kill their families and go on robbing sprees to afford his concerts

-A prim and proper young woman crosses a zombie-infested city to reunite with her (female) childhood best friend who she is in love with

-A chubby loner girl suddenly becomes an asset to her girl scout camp when it is set upon by monsters that only she knows how to fight from reading about them in horror books

-A kidnapped boy realizes he is outgrowing his captor’s attraction and sets out to eliminate the competition of new boys brought into the house

-A redneck boy and his incestuously abusive brother are the lone survivors of a monster attack on their family farm and the boy has to decide if he wants to help his abuser survive or take his chances on his own

-A school for poor children where children are farmed for their organs for the rich

-a young junkie discovers one day that he has the power to regenerate lost body parts

-An interracial group of rich friends finds themselves lost in a bad neighborhood overnightdurring a full moon where the occupants of the neighborhood come alive as werewolves

-A small Amish-type religious community is completely cut off from the world during a monster attack and carry on business with no idea that the outside world has collapsed other than that they’ve stopped receiving letters and newspapers.  A team is sent out to scout the damage

-A girl who has her driver's license for the first weekend is held hostage as a getaway driver for two sadistic maniacs on their crime spree

-At a sleepover, two elementary school girls decide to kill another

-An ex-amish girl assimilates herself into society right when a monster attack begins to crumble it and must get back to her family to warn them that the world is ending

-Desade’s 120 days rewritten in the modern day hamptons

-a new diet pill causes moths to take up residence in somebody’s digestive system

-a group of white people go to film the “horrors” of a supposedly cannibal tribe, but when their racist notions are false, they force the people to conform to what they expected to find so they have something for their film

-a “murder circus” where participants pay to torture victims runs into a clash with protestors

-fights to the death like dogfighting but with human children

-a young man gives himself up to a sadist to pay off his sister’s drug debt

-A young woman working in the crime scene clean up business tries to shelter her own daughter from the horrors of the world by locking her in their apartment and becoming more and mor agoraphobic

-A home invasion turns the tables when the serial would-be-rapists/robbers break into the home of female vampires

-In the aftermath of the end of the world, a small tribe of hardened cannibalistic survivors now have to face forced assimilation back into society

-Trapped in a building with an active shooter, a group of elementary school kids fight back with school supplies

-An international tour group of study abroad students become stranded in the alps with a snow monster

-a team of serial killers/lovers is put to the test when one of them gets a woman pregnant and decides he wants to quit killing and become a normal person

-A teenage punk with a specialty for giving piercings turns into a back-ally abortionist in a wealthy suburb

-Twins who share a body and each have a head get into a feud over a lover and attempt to separate

-A group of racists find themselves cursed by a flesh-eating virus that starts with a change in skin pigment

-Racists hunting illegal immigrants come up on the wrong side of a desert spirit after destroying water left out by humanitarian groups

-A police force in a poor city is hit with a curse that transform them into flesh hungry pig-monsters and the local youth must take them out to protect their neighborhood

-A massive flood turns into a struggle for survival for a dorm building full of art students

-A woman is convinced that her son, conceived through a rape, is a demon

-A mental hospital during a zombie outbreak

[zippiestdraws]

Choking Curiosity  chapter 1

I’m writing a self indulgent Michael Myers x (ftm) reader and thats all I have to say 

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You made it.

Haddonfield, Illinois was probably the last place you expected to end up, but your savings stretched just enough here to buy the cheapest house you could find. It had been sitting vacant for multiple years with a grisly murder scaring away buyers, but its fixer-upper exterior didn’t help it either. You weren’t afraid of ghosts anyway.

The Strode Realty sign out front was plastered with a red and white SOLD sticker. The lady you signed the papers with, Laurie you think her name was, promised she would stop by to remove it. She wrote her number on a card and told you to call if anything strange happens, something was off about her demeanor but you were preoccupied with the check you were handing over. She also pressed the fact multiple times that the locks haven’t been changed since the listing, but you didn’t tell her you were in no position to change them considering your funds ran dry buying bread and peanut butter yesterday.

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The dinky car sputtered its final breath at the curb when you removed the key, it got you this far on fumes. Items tumble free when you pop the trunk open, bursting with all your material possessions stuffed inside. You manage to jostle the door open with your key in the lock, stepping across the threshold and breathing in the stale air of your new shelter. The glass in the door was broken, but that would be a problem for later, you can tape it up for tonight. It was dark inside, you hadn’t paid for utilities to be turned on yet. Opening the windows satisfied you for now. You’ll make a list of everything needing repair later, right now was the time for carting your moving boxes inside and unpacking.

With an entire house to fill, you become faced with the fact that the boxes from your room weren’t much. All you can do is cross your fingers and hope that what you have can last you until you start working at the grocery store for the time being. You’re surprised you hadn’t been kicked out earlier when you didn’t have as much to your name. After the last box you sit on the porch, your porch you muse, the last sunlight of the day is melting slowly out of the sky and sweat slides in areas you try not to think about. The money you had saved so carefully was supposed to lift the weight from your chest but you guess you can settle for that in a metaphorical sense instead.

The crunching of grass draws your attention to someone approaching from the yard adjacent to yours. An old man in sunhat and stained gardening clothes stares at you and then points to the sold sign. You push off your knees to stand when he doesn’t move closer and go to introduce yourself as his new neighbor you assume.

“Do you know what happened in this house?” his voice was pitched in a gravelly accent that you weren’t familiar with and the question caught you off guard. He hadn’t offered a name when you greeted him, only a mischievous smile that put a glint in his eye that defied his age.

You know there was a murder, that’s what made the house so cheap, but you figured you could find the rest of the story in a trip to the library so you shake your head hoping he’ll recount it.

“I can’t remember how many years ago, I’m too old. There was a little boy who lived in this house, my granddaughter was the same age, but he would never talk to us. Anyway, it was on Halloween, Sherrie and I were going to sleep and his mother starts screaming, she tells me “go outside, Abtin” and there’s all these police people in the front yard. The little boy, Michael, had killed his older sister!”

Your surprise must have shown on your face because he starts cackling and slaps you on your shoulder, the tension drops but he suddenly sobers up before you can ask if it was a joke.

“He got out two years ago, so you better be careful.”

Your eyebrow scrunch. “He was released?” You guess people can change.

“He escaped. Hurt some people, but he was never found”

Or not.

A beat draws out.

“So how old is your granddaughter?”

This changes the mood and the topic to your relief. He waves you over to his front door and starts shambling back as he talks.

“She just turned twenty-one this year. Come, come, Sherrie made extra dinner tonight.”

*** A home cooked meal like you haven’t had in years warmed you from the inside as they sent you home with a small plate of leftovers. Tonight you were happy, and that was more than you dared to hoped for.

The empty house around you was unfamiliar, but the silence made you feel safe. There were plenty of thoughts that tried to sneak into your head as you made yourself comfortable in your sleeping bag on a bare mattress -what if the murder happened in the bedroom you chose- but you ushered them away as you focused on the sounds of your new place. The crickets were pleasant, every so often the wind would make the shutters creak. You were exhausted in every sense and drifted off to the soft breathing of the house.

*** Shadowed eyes watched from behind the backyard fence, unwavering in his stake out since a noisy realtor invaded with another man at his heels. He was nearly caught unawares, silently exiting out the back door to wait for them to leave. His irritation rose as it became evident that Laurie hadn’t returned. She hasn’t stepped foot in the house, and every attempt to stalk her has become difficult.

Michael isn’t stupid. He weighs his options, knowing that killing the two of them now would bring more attention to the house than he needed -they wouldn’t be as easily disposed of as the occasional trespassing teenager. No matter, they wouldn’t find anything other than normal remnants of a squatter.

Nobody wanted this house, he was sure. The back door of the porch screeched and he could hear prices being thrown out as the two people stepped into the sunlight. Michael silently memorizes the realtor’s face.

“Look kid, I feel for you- I really do- but I can’t go lower than fifteen thousand”

The person who isn’t the realtor stiffens and crosses his arms. His voice was steady and mature as it came out, but Michael could read his fear.

“This house has been sitting vacant for almost twenty years and is in pretty bad condition. It’s going to need a lot of repairs and the housing market is crashing. I’m the only interested party and I can afford thirteen.”

The squabbling lost his interest until the man in the suit frowned and pinched the bridge of his nose and Michael could hardly hear the way he muttered under his breath.

“This shitty house was a gamble anyway. Fine, you have yourself a deal.” his face was sour as they shook on it.

Following their retreating footsteps, Michael’s indifference was tinged with something he hadn’t felt since his last kill. Anticipation. Not much, but perhaps with someone in the house he won’t have to resort to other unsavory methods for a meal. People have been locking up more after what happened and breaking in to raid a pantry would be more risk than it was worth.

Another afternoon passed until he saw the familiar car arrive, watching the small man struggle with loads of boxes in the summer heat was mildly entertaining. The approach of the nosy old man next door was predictable. Michael’s eyes narrowed at the dramatic retelling of his life, passively considering the worth of killing him.

Premeditated murder was new to him. He didn’t like to give up control, especially not over his house. Not being able to kill who he wanted, when he wanted? oh he hated that.

He entered his home the same as he always did. The lock on the back door would never fully click shut, it’s easy to miss if you don’t jiggle the nob the right way. If he truly got locked out he could easily reach through the broken glass of the front door, but he’d have to wait until dark.

To his surprise, it looked like most of the boxes were already unpacked. It was still barren as all hell and a lot of things were stacked in piles, not truly put away yet. If there was one thing you had a lot of, it was books. Michael was never interested in reading, but he perused the titles anyway.

Nothing interested him yet, things only become valuable with the way they are used. Like people.

He watched you return home that night, methodically shutting all the windows before retiring upstairs to the room you unpacked your suitcase in. From behind the slats of the closet door he studied the way you tiredly shucked your sweat stained jeans with your back to his hiding place.

He’s watched men before. The first time he was spooked when his body reacted the same way it did with women. He maintained his self-control this time, until your shirt rose over your head to reveal something he’s never seen before and his hands clench around the grounding familiarity of a knife handle.

Your binder was sweaty and you peeled it off with relief, massaging your chest and stretching before pulling on a pajama shirt. You calmly slip into sleep with the illusion of safety, while Michael’s thoughts race.

His eyes trace the beard lining your face, the stubble lining the sharp edges that hasn’t seen a razor in a few days. He tilts his head as he tries to make sense of what’s in front of him. The itch to wrap his hands around your throat fades as he embraces this new curiosity.

Michael wants to know more.