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darling-in-wonderland · 11 months

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Kill Your Darlings (Redux)

(in collaboration with @twistedchatterbox ‘s event, Spooky Chattering 2023)

AN: If you were one of the five people that read the original Kill Your Darlings, then strap in because this is a reimagining that is way more cracked than it’s archived original counterpart. And if you weren't, well, you're not missing much. This version is leagues above the og and way more fun. Reader is my yuusona, Darling (she/her), who is very in love with Idia (but feel free to live vicariously through her like I do). Other characters in this little (*cough* 7k word) fic include Azul, Ortho, and Grim (with a little bonus scene at the end with Crowley) Vil is mentioned quite a lot, but makes no appearance.

CW: more of a dark comedy than anything, but there are still points of tension, anxiety mention (in response to the tension), feelings of being stalked/hunted, minor injuries/blood, and one (1) fbomb, meaning that it could safely be rated pg-13.

AN2: Also i am super new/unaware of fanfic etiquette so if there's anything i've missed/should label differently/etc, please let me know! now, without further adieu…

It was a day like any other, really. Foggy, but hey, I like overcast weather so I’m not complaining.

“I guess I never realized that the fog here is different from the fog back home,” I muse to Grim while we walk to class.

“Myah? Whaddya mean by that?”

“The fog back home didn’t stick around this much, I don’t think.”

“The fog here isn’t really that sticky, Darling.”

“Whatever you say, Grim.” I give him some pets as we walk. “Also, before I forget, I have Board Game Club after classes today. Remember the plan?”

“How could I forget?” he grins. “You offered me five whole cans of tuna to help you with this scheme!”

After the events of that phantom bride- oh how I hate her still!- I can’t afford myself the luxury of pretending that Idia doesn’t know that I like him anymore. With the lengths (and songs) I went to without hesitation, there’s no way he doesn’t know; but it’s polite to tell him point blank in no uncertain terms. I mean, that’s what you do when you like someone, right?

The plan is that Grim is going to distract Azul somehow to make him late to the club meeting. Hopefully this will mean that Idia and I will be alone, allowing me to tell him how I feel in person without anyone else there to watch.

Before I left the dorm, I made sure to spritz a bit of perfume on me, just something that makes me smell a bit like candy. I’m only thinking of this because I left the bottle on the stairs since I was running late to class, but I’m always running late to these early morning classes. Anyways, I need to remember to put it back in the bathroom when I get home.

After classes with Grim, we diverge on our separate paths; Grim to distract Azul with some random fetch quest and I to the Board Game Club to confess my love to Idia, though hopefully not in song while holding a heavy flamer this time.

I show up early to the club meeting, jittery and anxious. When I was out there white knighting and wedding crashing, I was so hopped up on anger, adrenaline, and the anxiety that my Sister of Battle armor would run out of battery too soon that I didn’t even notice that I kept singing the lyrics to “A Grave Mistake” wrong. When you meet the girl whose love you stole… Cringe, but I feel more on edge now than then. Why does this of all things make me anxious?

Time refuses to march on to my best nightmare, so I stay frozen in place as I pace the floor.

And then I hear the door creak open, forcefully shaking me from my thoughts and making my heart pound harder. I see the blue flames of his hair before I see him. I sit down and start nervously shuffling a deck of cards to keep from spontaneously combusting.

He eventually notices me and takes off his headphones. He too avoids eye contact. We haven’t spoken much since that phantom bride left.

“Magic?” I ask him, holding up the cards.

“Uh... sure,” he responds flatly, pulling out a deck of his own.

My brain is on fire, screaming at me to say something. Now is my chance! But I go to speak and find that my lips are welded shut as I draw my hand, only just now realizing that the deck I’m playing is my Ezuri, Stalker of Spheres deck. I feel bad, until I see that he brought his Juri deck and decide that it’s time to destroy him with toxic and proliferate keywords.

He notices my commander and smirks. “Feeling competitive today?”

“I have some things I want to win.”

Our eyes meet briefly and I feel my heart stop. I bury my face in my opening hand, but out of the corner of my eye I see his hair swiftly turning pink.

“Your hair looks purple today,” he stammers out.

“It’s purple everyday.”

“Oh. Right. Sorry.”

The game continues on as normal.

I manage to ask him, “So, what’s your Halloween costume going to be?”

“Haven’t thought much about it yet.”

“Halloween is in four days, Idia,” I remind him. When I say his name, the tips of his hair turn pink. He’s so cute. I still can’t believe he’s single.

“What about you, Darling?”

Hearing him say my name makes my brain short circuit.

“Oh!” I snap out of my daze. “I was thinking Springtrap or Ennard or something like that since the ‘Five Nights at Freddy’s’ movie comes out today.”

“That’s today?” his eyes light up with excitement. Now’s my chance now’s my chance now’s my-

“Yeah,” I smile. “I’ve already made plans to go see it. After this club meeting its gonna be one hour at Pomefiore to cover my arms with nose and scar wax.”

“With Vil?”

“Who else? He’s gonna help with the scars I have to put on the back of my neck.”

“Oh,” he retreats back to his normal energy levels. “That makes sense.”

And there goes my chance.

We finish the game without talking (aside from reading the cards to explain the cards). He won, obviously.

“Get rekt,” he grins. I can feel my cheeks get hot.

“I took a bad opening hand,” I justify my loss to him. I really want him to think I’m good at this game (even though I am painfully mid).

“Yeah, I saw that mana drought.”

“I had Oko, Thief of Crowns, in fairness.”

“Ohhhh,” he remarks sarcastically, “that makes it totally worth it.”

“If it had paid off I would’ve destroyed you,” I threaten him toothlessly.

“Sure you would’ve.” As he fidgets with his life counter, he says, “I, uh... you mentioned that you wish you had more hands to hold things as you cut out patterns the other day.”

“Especially with Halloween coming up,” I lament, realizing too late that he’s probably dropping hints for something.

He sets the counter down. “Wait here then.”

He glides out of the room as quietly as he entered. I crumple up in my chair. What a wasted opportunity.

When I was younger, I used to spend my free time outside catching butterflies. There was a slight degree of skill that went into it. If you ran up too quickly, the butterfly would get scared and fly away, but if you went too slow, you would lose your surprise and it would fly away then too.

It’s five minutes past. Where is he? My heart is beating out of my chest. What if something happened to him? I should go find him. My anxiety is fueling my paranoia, springboarding me to the worst possible conclusions. Maybe he died, or worse, I already scared him away for good.

It’s been too long. I’ll go find him. I set down my cards and start making my way down to Ignihyde. The halls of the main building are eerily empty. There must be a logical explanation for all of this. I’m bad at time and I haven’t checked my phone in a while, not that it would matter now because I don’t know how long our game of Magic lasted. He’s probably fine. He’s probably fine.

Despite all my logic, I still can’t seem to shake this paranoia. I hear screams of terror wafting down the halls. Film Club must be watching a horror movie for the spooky season. I hope so, at least. Against all good judgment, I push on. I wish literally anyone was here, some big guy who could do the fighting for me if things got tough, like Jade or Floyd.

Amidst my thoughts, someone grabs my hand and yanks me around a corner.

I shriek and cover my mouth before I realize that it’s just Ortho.

I almost let my body relax, but then I see the fear in his mechanical eyes.

“Ortho?” Panic rises in my voice like bile. “What's wrong?”

“It’s Idia. He’s sick.”

“Oh, is that all it is?” The tension in my shoulders releases, but only a little. “From the sounds of the screams, I thought that gladiatorial games were back in fashion. Where is he? I can help take care of him.”

“Sick isn’t the right word,” his voice is hard and serious as he flits through words in his databank. What has this kid seen?

“What movie is Film Club watching today?” I ask him as some more screams bounce off the walls of main hall.

Ortho looks me dead in the eyes. “Film Club didn’t meet today.”

I hear Idia cackle off in the distance, this time sending chills up my spine rather than releasing butterflies in my stomach.

“Ortho?” I ask, that old fear bubbling up once more.

“Yes, Darling?”

“Do you know what Idia was going to show me?”

“He never told me,” Ortho remarks. “But I did find a word that I think fits better than sick.”

Everything feels prickly and bad. The blood vacates my face as I hear another one of Idia’s cackles in the distance. Of all my worst case scenarios, none were like anything of what Ortho said next.

“Well, what word is it?” I ask him, panic leaching into my voice.

“Possessed. I don’t know what could’ve caused it, but...” His voice trails off, as if he’s having trouble coming up with a proper hypothesis. At least, that’s what I was hoping.

His eyes grow wide, his mechanical whirring hushing. The hand around my wrist clamps harder. The tips of my fingers are starting to turn a bluish purple.

“Ortho?” I whisper. “My wrist-”

I hear the soft tap tap tap of some boots prowling down the adjacent hallway. I can feel the temperature rise with each tap.

“Darling…” I hear Idia’s voice rasp, a mechanical grinding amidst his organic vocals, “I know you’re hiding here…”

My eyes are watering. I can’t turn around. I can’t even blink. My breath catches in my throat. Has he turned the corner? I can’t tell.

By the shadow on Ortho’s face, he must be looming right above me.

Ortho’s tugging on my ever-numbing wrist, a silent plea for me to run, but my body refuses to move from its position. This is my worst nightmare, and I can’t even wake up.

“Seems I’ve found you,” I feel hot breathing on the back of my neck. “And with Ortho, no less.”

I feel his hand land on my shoulder. I can’t even find the voice to scream as Idia’s grip gets tighter on my shoulder.

Ortho yells something I don’t make out and finally yanks me from my spot, flinging me onto his metal back. I cry out in pain as I’m ripped from Idia’s grasp. I feel something cold and metallic and sharp scratch up against my cheek. I hear him howl in frustration as we make our getaway.

Ortho and I end up hiding out in the empty classroom on the first floor where the Board Game Club meets.

“That’s a lot of blood, Darling,” Ortho remarks.

I reach up and touch my cheek and find that my face is slick with blood. My fingers are covered in the viscous red liquid.

“It’s just a scratch,” I inform him. “It’s not that bad.”

“Are you sure?” Ortho asks me, searching around for something to clean up the blood.

I laugh nervously. “I have more blood than this sitting on my bathroom counter.”

“Isn’t that blood fake, Darling?”

“And peppermint flavored, but that’s besides the point,” I awkwardly wave the question away. “You’re programmed with medical stuffs, right? Do you have a bandaid?”

“My lab body is back in Ignihyde,” he informs me, “so I don’t have any of my medical supplies.”

“Okay. That’s okay.” I see the Magic cards left abandoned on the table. The panic starts creeping back into my brian. We won’t stay hidden forever. Idia was originally coming back here. “I should’ve told Idia how I felt while I still had the chance.” “What was that, Darling?”

“Nothing, Ortho,” I try to smile. “Nothing.”

I close my eyes to try and think of a better place to hide, but I keep thinking of what I could’ve said to Idia before he got possessed by... whatever it was that possessed him.

“That’s quite a bit of trouble you’ve got yourself into,” a familiar voice cuts through my thoughts as its owner gently places a bandaid in my hand. “I can help, for a price.”

I open my eyes and see Azul staring back at me. I beam, my eyes starting to well up as he hands me a tissue. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s time for Board Game Club,” he answers, an edge lacing his voice. “Or are you asking about why I was late. I think you know why.”

From the satchel I didn’t notice before now, he holds up a very angry Grim.

“I kept him stalled for as long as I could, myah!” Grim responds, not thrilled about being held by the scruff of his neck.

“Uh, guys?” Ortho asks, but none of us hear him.

“For the band aid stuck to your face and the tissue now covered in your blood,” Azul continues, “all you have to do is tell me why Grim showed up to the Monstro Lounge and started pulling the table cloths off the tables and swinging from the chandeliers once my employees caught on to what was happening.”

“Grim!” I take the mischievous cat weasel thing from Azul to scold him. “I told you to distract him, not trash the Lounge!”

“Guys?” Ortho pipes up, but Azul pays no mind.

The school’s resident mob boss continues, “So, why did you send Grim to trash the Lounge?”

“My plan was to get Idia alone to tell him that I have a crush on him,” I confess to Azul.

“A crush on him?” Azul teases me. “Greaaaat taste there, Darling.”

And then Grim asks me, “Did the plan work?”

I laugh nervously. “Not exactly...”

“Guys!” Ortho yells at us from the open window. “Idia will be here any second! At least according to my tracking.”

“What?” Azul asks, almost offended at the fact that we didn’t tell him something sooner.

“Idia’s possessed,” I summarize for Ortho.

Grim hops back in Azul’s satchel and asks from there, “Possessed by what? One of the ghosts?”

“We don’t know,” I respond, the panic creeping back into my voice as I remember the problem at hand.

Ortho pipes up, “Yet!”

I nod hastily, “Yet, yet is good.”

“Guys…” Panic creeps into Azul’s voice like mold. “I don’t think we’re alone anymore.”

That’s when my ear zeros in on the sound of boots on linoleum and something metal scraping against the walls. I didn’t get a good look at whatever he was wearing when I last saw him. Maybe with his new personality he got a new wardrobe, too. I don’t know.

Looks like we’re about to find out as he starts throwing his body against the door Ortho barricaded from the sound of it. The first thud makes me jump, with each subsequent hit causing my adrenaline levels to rise.

“Good time to jump out of the window,” Azul remarks between thuds, “unless we all wanna end up sleeping with the fishes.”

I can’t bring myself to move. The barricades loosen and once again I am frozen. I have to see what he’s wearing. I have to see if anything about his design changed. I have to know what possessed him.

“Henchman!” I hear Grim yell above Ortho and Azul’s pleas, “I command you to follow us.”

The door breaks open.

I catch just enough of a glimpse of Idia, only a mere silhouette surrounded by fiery red with a bloody crimson light from the center of his head piercing through my being; a horrible, horrible glimpse, but enough of a glimpse to will my legs to work again and jump out of the window.

“We should run while we still have something resembling a lead,” I anxiously quip as Azul groans.

“Azul,” Ortho rolls his eyes. “Your only other option is dying.”

Grim pokes his head out. “Can I ride with Ortho?”

“Fine.” Azul hands Ortho the satchel. “It’ll make running easier.”

“Don’t worry,” I clasp a hand on his shoulder, “I know a shortcut.”

We share a smile, but the moment is shattered by a mechanized roar from Idia. “Oh you sussy baka!” Robotic tendrils shoot out from the window, just barely missing us. “Where did you vent off to?!”

I don’t acknowledge what he says, rather grabbing Azul’s hand on instinct as a signal to get him and Ortho to start following me.

I’m not the best at running, but at least my theatre kid energy makes me better at it than Idia.

“So where are we running to?” Azul wheezes after a few minutes of nothing but woods.

“By the looks of it, Ramshackle,” Grim responds, chilling oh so smugly in his little satchel.

“Narrishackke,” I correct Grim.

“Is now really the time to try and make Narrishackke happen, henchman?”

“It’s not gonna happen,” Azul manages to get out before collapsing against a tree.

I stop running and ask Ortho, “How far away is Idia?”

He calculates for a second before responding, “Idia will catch up to us in roughly ten minutes.”

“Okay,” I squat down to conserve energy, “so we have some time. We can formulate a proper plan.”

Grim hops out of the satchel and starts pacing. “We have to figure out what’s turned him into such a bloodthirsty monster!”

“Ghosts?” Azul muses.

I shake my head. “Unlikely. He still talks like himself.”

“There were those mechanical tentacles,” Ortho recalls. “And he was wearing some sort of hat.”

Grim rolls his eyes. “So he wanted to be dapper? Big deal!”

I dig deep in my memory for a detail that’s nagging at me. “Ortho, was the hat glowing?”

“There was some sort of red camera lens attached to it,” he replies.

“Like a headlamp?” Azul asks.

“No,” I continue trying to think, “More like-”

I’m cut off by the sound of falling trees and cracking wood.

“I thought you said we had ten minutes!” Azul hisses at Ortho.

Grim climbs back into the satchel and hides.

Ortho looks concerned as he rechecks his math. “I didn’t think he could move that fast.”

“A side effect of this possession?” Azul thinks out loud.

Another roar from Idia shakes the birds from the trees.

“Guys, we’re so dead if we don’t get out of here soon,” I snap them out of their conversation and start running again. Ortho nods and follows close behind me.

Azul takes too long to get up off the forest floor. At the speed of light one of those tentacles we saw earlier wraps its metallic phalanges around Azul’s wrist.

“Guys! It’s got me!” he cries, fear lacing his voice like bleach.

I turn to Ortho and tell him, “Take Grim back to Ramshackle. He knows the shortcut.”

“Be careful, Darling!” Ortho chirps before zipping away.

I rush over to Azul who’s still wrestling with the mechanical hand around his arm.

“You should’ve gotten away while you still had the chance!” he weeps, voice catching in his throat.

“And leave one of my best friends behind?” I remark as I start my attempt to break the tentacle’s grasp. “Fat chance!”

“Do you even have a plan?!”

I continue to stomp on the tentacle, using my foot to create the tension necessary to try and get this thing to snap. “Not at all!”

I survey the scene as it stands. The noises from the forest are getting louder. If I don’t get Azul out of here fast, I can almost guarantee that more tentacles will come for us.

I start trying to pry the fingers of the metal claw off of Azul’s wrist.

“If it breaks, it breaks,” I mutter under my breath.

“I’d rather you didn’t break my wrist,” Azul gripes through the pain. He then takes the cue and helps me pry with his free hand.

A red glow is coming from the foliage.

“We’re running out of time!” he cries out.

“Oh for the love of- Just yank your wrist out!” I scream, my panic getting the better of me.

Azul clenches his teeth and does so. He shrieks in pain as the claws scrape his wrist so hard that royal blue blood starts dotting the ground below. I pull him away from the tentacle and run before it can grab anything else. I lead Azul off the trail, hoping that Idia won’t be able to find us amidst all the trees.

Once the sounds of his jaunt through the woods fade to near inaudibility, I stop running to examine Azul’s injury. His face is pale as tears continue to pour down his cheeks.

“Good news,” I tell him as I wrap the sleeve of my blazer around the wound, “it looks to only be surface level. Keep some pressure on it and then I can get it bandaged up once we get to Narrishackke.”

“Ramshackle,” he corrects me with a touch of laughter in his tone.

I smile. “I said what I said.”

We move carefully through the woods, only by the Seven’s protection or some unrelated miracle that we make it to Narrishackke before Idia. Ortho and Grim look overjoyed to see us.

“Glad to see my henchman is still in one piece, myah!”

I tell Ortho to take Grim upstairs to keep watch and to bandage up Azul’s wrist.

“But Darling,” Ortho gently takes my cold hand in his, “what will you be doing?”

“Keeping watch downstairs,” I respond solemnly. “We still don’t know exactly what’s caused this.”

“Be careful with him, then,” Ortho cautions me.

I nod and start my vigil. “Nothing would hurt me more than making him suffer.”

Ortho takes Grim and Azul upstairs and I double check all of the downstairs locks. The ghosts seem to be keeping their distance today. I guess whatever this is is too much for even them. I could use their comfort now though.

Why is it that the one day I want something to go right everything goes catastrophically wrong? I can’t even cry properly right now, lest I drain what little moral is upstairs with the sounds of my sobs.

What if we can’t fix him? What if all of this is permanent? What if I can’t put him back together? After all the phantom bride stuff, things were starting to look up. I should’ve just left when he did to start getting ready to go to the movie. I have two tickets. I could’ve invited Vil.

Through my sobs, I start to sing quietly in a futile attempt to ground myself or summon the ghosts to my side, or even just to right this upside down world.

“Is it a crime to kill,” the melody of the song passing through my halfhearted sobs in a heart wrenching staccato. “if we’re only sinking deeper and love can’t stop the fever?”

A knock on the door startles me from my thoughts. I frantically look for something sharp and pointy.

“You open that door and I’ll kill you!” I threaten the person on the other end. I don’t care if it’s Crowley himself, I'll stab if he opens the door.

All I find is a pencil. I’m doomed.

“I finally leave my room,” my best nightmare’s voice scrapes against my ears, “and this is how you react? RUDE.”

He slams the door open, confirming my worst fears.

“Darling!” I hear Ortho call from upstairs. “What’s wrong?”

I can’t even open my mouth to scream as I stand in the shadow of the Prefect of the Underworld standing in my doorway, his halo of fiery red hair devilishly backlighting his face, making him look like a fallen angel. I just start crying again as I shakily hold my pencil out in front of me.

I don’t want to hurt him. He’s not himself. But he’ll hurt me if I don’t do something. But I don’t want to hurt him.

He slowly walks towards me, his boots making a heavy thud with each footfall. I slowly back up towards the stairs. My hands tremble, still holding the pencil pathetically between him and I.

“It’s game over for you, Darling,” he bares his fangs in a twisted grin.

In this moment I understand why moths fly towards candles and burn up in their fiery light, for I too am now a moth staring down a candle, every part of my mothy being crying out to be enveloped by the warm, inviting light. Oh how I’d love to grant my cells their wish and let them collapse in the melted candle wax; but, unlike a moth, I have a job to do. I can’t give up now!

The lens attached to his bowler hat glows brighter, as if a light could be filled with rage. If I try to run now, he’ll just grab me and rip my throat out with his teeth.

“I thought you felt differently about me, Darling,” he continues, “but my eyes have been opened. There’s only one thing that could love me as much as you claim to.”

He continues to advance on me, pushing me up the stairs with his presence.

“Are you going to hurt me?” I ask out of the blue, as if I’ve seen this scene before.

I see a pink plastic cylinder on one of the steps through my tears. A candy scented body spray, within arms reach.

“Oh, I’m not going to hurt you, Darling,” the robotic sheen on his voice makes him sound like a vocaloid.

I never moved that bottle of perfume back up to the bathroom, and I’d say my life is at least worth the seventeen thaurmarks the bottle cost.

Idia continues, “I’m just going to bash YOUR FUCKING BRAINS IN!”

He lunges at me, but that Shining reference telegraphed his moves so much even I was able to dodge him and spray what feels like half the bottle of body spray in his face, causing him to recoil and retch. I pump a few more sprays for good measure and bolt upstairs to Ortho, Grim, and Azul.

“I’ve got more info!” I inform them as I lock the door and wedge a chair under the knob.

I was in the middle of redecorating my guest room, which means furniture is rather scarce. Aside from the chair I just wedged under the door knob, the only place to sit is the floor. Thankfully, there’s still places to hide.

“Well, spit it out!” Grim commands.

“It’s gotta be the hat! Think about it,” I postulate, “first, he tells me he’s got something for me. Ortho, when you found me in the hallway, was Idia wearing a bowler hat?”

Ortho thinks for a second before his eyes widen and his apertures dilate. “Yes, he was!”

“And then something scratched my face as we fled,” I continue. “After that, we started seeing the tentacles.”

“The same ones that scratched up my arm!” Azul exclaims.

“But how is this proof that the hat possessed him and not something else?” Grim asks.

I take time to remember Idia’s exact wording, but Idia beats me to the punch, yelling from down the hall, “Fine! I never needed you, Darling! I’ll just keep this gift for myself!”

“Yeah, that works as evidence,” I remark as he cackles.

“So we have to rip that hat off,” Ortho states. “At least to prove or disprove our hypothesis.”

“I have a plan to get that hat off his head,” Azul announces. “Darling, you’re going to hide and get the jump on him. Us three will distract him so that you can knock his hat off.”

“Any idea what I can knock it off with without braining him?”

Just then, there’s a loud thud against the door.

“No time,” Azul responds. “You’re smart. You’ll think of something.”

I nod and move the chair back to where I decide to hide just as Idia kicks the door off its hinges.

He starts to growl, “There you are, Azul! And Ortho, too. How wonderful.”

“H-hi, Idia,” Azul stutters, eyes wide.

“You don’t appear to be at the club meeting today,” Idia rasps menacingly. “That’s not very poggers of you.”

“I had some,” he shoots a glare at Grim, “things to deal with at the Lounge.”

“A shame, really,” he sighs maliciously, “because based on that look you gave Darling earlier, I would’ve assumed that you would’ve wanted to hang out with her.”

“What are you going on about?” Azul asks, genuinely confused.

“Don’t play dumb!” Idia shrieks, moving closer to him, and therefore me. “I saw the way she looked at you through Doris. I know what I saw!”

Grim pokes his head out from behind Azul. “Myah? Who’s Doris?”

He grins and gestures to the bowler hat enveloping his face. “She’s Doris. I found her in some storage room around campus. She promised she would help me and she opened my eyes.”

Just walk a little bit closer. Just walk a little bit closer and I can knock that evil thing off of your head.

And then Ortho asks him, “But what does this have to do with Darling?”

Idia whips his head around and focuses on Ortho with laser-like intensity.

“Darling,” Idia runs over each syllable in his mouth like a flavorless wad of gum, “is a tease. She may act like she likes me, but Doris and I know better. There’s any number of guys she likes more than me. Like Vil,” he turns his attention back towards Azul, “or you.”

Azul sighs, “I’ll have to pay her back for this, but I have photographic evidence that Darling likes you.”

Idia scoffs, “Like I would believe you over Doris! Get pwned!”

I tighten my grip on the chair I’m hiding behind to keep from screaming. You’ll have to pay me back in a lot more than Monstro Lounge drinks if you leak those DM’s, Azul!

At this point, Idia is looming above the still seated Azul. Once Idia’s distracted again, I’ll strike. Now is not the time to miss my chance overthinking everything.

Azul grins mischievously. I’m almost more terrified of whatever he’ll say next than this “Doris.”

“Okay, so what if Darling likes me then?” Azul asks. “Are you just that terrified of me liking her back? Of the possibility of me treating her better than a loser like you ever could? I mean, if Vil couldn’t keep her happy, then what chance do you have?”

He’s a good liar, I’ll give Azul that. I know he’s lying and I’m still a little pissed.

Of course, Idia doesn’t take any of this well, letting out a mechanized screech as he lunges towards Azul.

“Well, Azul!” A new rage alight in the red lens on the hat, “looks like it’s time for you to show the audience your flashback sequence!”

Now! Now’s my chance!

Time feels like a thick jelly as I spring up from behind the chair to knock that hat off of Idia’s head. The sound grabs his attention as he turns to me.

“Found you,” he growls, a devilish smile painted across his face.

Using nothing but momentum and lucky timing, I manage to tackle the unsuspecting gamer and rip the hat off of his head. Before we hit the ground, I fling it into the wall. I can hear it spark and sputter in the background.

I gently brush his now blue hair out of his face. The tension in his face melts away when he’s asleep. Based on what Ortho’s told me before, this is a rare site to see. His face is so damp. It looks like he’s been crying for an hour or so. Poor guy...

Ortho taps my shoulder. “Darling?”

“Yeah?” I respond, continuing to brush Idia’s pretty blue fire hair out of his face, gently cupping his face in my hand, running my thumb over his cheek. He’s so... beautiful.

“I need you to get off of him so that I can perform a medical examination,” Ortho continues. “Just to make sure that the hat was indeed the culprit.”

“Oh, right,” I snap back to reality and get up to sit by Grim and Azul.

I don’t talk much. Azul walks me through the recent changes he made to his Urza deck, but it all goes over my head. I hold Grim in my lap and give him pets. I can’t seem to find where I threw that bowler hat.

Idia eventually comes to, given a clean enough bill of health by Ortho. Azul immediately rushes to Idia’s side to apologize for baiting him by calling him a loser earlier, while also telling Idia that he will not be giving him any emotional compensation for it.

I see the way Idia looks at Azul, and I can only wonder if a quiet guy like him could ever want to be with a high octane girl like me. He smiles, and laughs, and takes Azul’s hand. I must just scare Idia. He’s never that calm with me.

It all comes back to butterflies. My heart feels like a butterfly crushed underneath a hunter’s boot.

“You alright, henchman?” Grim asks me.

“I will be,” I respond, dejected.

I get up to go get Idia a glass of water. Seven knows he needs it.

I grab a glass from the cupboard and fill it up with tap water from one of the good sinks in the dorm. I should get him a snack, too. So, I set the glass of water down on the counter and rummage around for a bag of chips or something.

I feel a low rumble, like a car driving by, only shorter. Not to mention cars don’t drive out this way. My heartbeat picks up the pace. I drop what I’m holding and look at the glass of water on the counter. There are faint ripples on what should be a still surface. There’s no way...

As the rumbles become more pronounced, the ripples do too. I start to pray that I’m wrong and that this sound of thunder is only attached to a storm, but there’s no way. There’s no way!

I race back upstairs to the others and blurt out, “There’s a t-rex coming.”

“What are you talking about, Darling?” Azul pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Do you not feel the rumbling?”

“It’s probably just a storm,” he continues.

Ortho pipes up, “According to the local weather report, it’s clear skies for the rest of the day.”

“Well,” Azul tries to save face, “there’s got to be a logical explanation for this that isn’t t-rex.”

And then a mechanized roar like something out of Transformers rocks the dorm. I look out the window.

And I see it. I see the terrible lizard king himself. I see the beast trampling through my forest. And I see it heading straight for us.

“Dammit, Doris,” I hear Idia mumble. “I just needed you to hold sewing patterns in place, not this!”

“Doris?” Grim asks, “What does that cursed hat have to do with this t-rex?”

“She told me that she had a plan if things went wrong,” he continues. “And I guess getting slammed up against a wall counts. I have no idea how she could’ve gotten a t-rex but it doesn’t surprise me that she did. I should’ve known that hat was sus.”

“You didn’t build it?” I ask him.

“I found her in one of the storage rooms. She was broken, and soaking wet, so I fixed her up.”

The t-rex has gotten closer and at this point I can now see the tiny little bowler hat on its massive reptilian head.

It roars again; an earth shattering, mechanical scream as it starts to bull rush the dorm.

I sprint across the hall, too panicked to tell the others to do the same. Thankfully, they all had the same idea I did.

From across the hall, we watch the t-rex smash a hole in the side of my guest room. Note to self: twist Crowley’s arm to make sure he repairs that.

The boys ready themselves to fight this fierce beast. As always, it’s my job to keep them on track.

Grim looks up at me, crackling with excitement. “What’s the plan, henchman?”

“Try not to kill it,” I say, “but if you must, make it instant!”

They ready their pens and start slinging as many spells necessary to take the beast down.

I was doing my part by singing “Walk the Dinosaur,” since it’s the only dinosaur song I can think of, not to mention a bop.

It was a ferocious battle, with Idia’s defense being the only thing between them and a fate similar to that of the lawyer from Jurassic Park. Azul manages to sharpshoot the bowler hat dead in its lens with a jet of water so pressurized you could powerwash the grime off of Narrishackke with it. The thing eventually roars its last as it is soon felled by my team; falling to the earth with a thunderous crash. We go out to investigate, but the hat is nowhere to be found.

I examine what I thought was a corpse of a t-rex, only to find that it’s somehow only been knocked unconscious.

Azul sees the gleam and my eyes and asks me, “Do you want me to shrink the t-rex down for you so that you can keep it as a pet?”

I nod rapidly. “I’m gonna name him Nathaniel.”

“Of course you are,” Azul sighs. “This won’t be cheap, you know.”

“I figured,” I say as I text him an IOU. “Next time I have my wallet, come talk to me.”

He nods and starts getting to work. Grim and Ortho wander off to continue looking for the hat, but I have something more important to do.

“So... Idia,” I slide up next to him, wringing my hands anxiously, “ I know you said earlier that-”

“When I had the hat on?” he cuts me off, voice pinched. “Darling, whatever I said about you when I was possessed by Doris, just, pretend I never did.”

Now’s my chance now’s my chance now’s my-

“Then, would you like to come see the ‘Five Nights at Freddy’s’ movie with me?” I ask him. “I originally bought two tickets, and you’re the only person I know that cares about this series as much as me.”

His hair turns bright pink tip to root. I can practically see the 404 error screen plastered on the walls of his mind right now.

“I wouldn’t want to intrude!” he finally exclaims. “You probably bought that ticket for someone else!”

“I did,” I confess. “For Grim. Because I was going to drag him along if you said no.”

“But you said you were going to get all dressed up for this.”

“Plans can change, and if we leave now we’ll arrive just in time.” I smile, extending my hand for him to take. “And I’d rather have you there than some nose and scar wax.”

He grins; nervously, excitedly, dreamily. He smells like candy. He gently takes my hand, as if I’m a Warhammer model he’s afraid of breaking or an unsleeved Black Lotus card. His hand is so soft, and warm, and wonderful. I’m holding his hand! I could cry if I wasn’t already so giddy.

I see a moth flying away in the distance towards some unknown light. I smile. The dust from the t-rex is still settling, making everything look hazy and dreamlike. And yet, I’m so lucky. Eat your heart out, Eliza! Eat your heart out, Doris! Eat your paradoxical heart out, Eckles!

The next day, Azul and I meet up to talk to Crowley about what is to be done about Narrishackke.

“Oh! So that’s what happened yesterday afternoon,” Crowley laments. “Has the press caught wind of this?”

“Not yet,” I respond, still worn out after the events of yesterday.

“We’ll leak it if you don’t answer some questions first,” Azul applies some pressure.

“Ortho did record everything,” I state.

“Fine, fine,” Crowley reclines in his office seat. “What is it you would like to ask?”

“First, where the hell were you?” I ask, doing my best to censor my language.

“Oh, well I was in my office. I initiated lockdown mode when it notified me that there was a prehistoric creature roaming the woods.” He smiles. I can feel my blood pressure spiking.

“How nice for you,” I respond, pissed.

“Next question,” Azul takes the floor. “What was that hat Idia found?”

“Unfortunately, I don’t know,” he sighs. “I would check the library or ask one of the ghosts if you really care.”

“Okay, final question,” I ready my statement, “what are you going to do about the damage Nathaniel caused to House Narrishackke?”

“Narrishackke?”

“She means the ramshackle dorm building she and Grim are living in,” Azul pipes up.

“And I named the t-rex Nathaniel,” I state proudly.

“I’ll just give you a blank check,” he says quickly, exasperated. “Aren’t I just so generous?”

I take the blank check from him, “Yeah, generous works.”

After we leave the office, Azul asks me, “So what else are you gonna charge Crowley’s card with?”

“Whatever it takes to deck out a room for Nathanial,” I beam. “And an Emrakul, the Promised End.”

“Why?” he asks me, baffled.

I smirk. “I still have to beat Idia in a game of Magic.”

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