#php for beginers

[physifeel]

A Comprehensive Guide to Variables, Data Types, and Operators in PHP

Introduction PHP is a versatile and popular scripting language used for web development. As you embark on your journey to learn PHP, understanding the fundamental concepts of variables, data types, and operators is essential. In this article, we will delve into these core concepts and explore how they form the building blocks of PHP programming. Variables: Variables are containers that hold…

[assembly-official]

In the tech space there are many recursive acronyms (PIP Installs Packages, GNU's Not Unix, PHP Hypertext Processor, etc) and here at assembly we don't want to lack behind, so from now on ASSEMBLY officially stands for: ASSEMBLY Seems Speedy, but Eventually Memory Begins Leaking, Yikes!

[codeyspace]

Halloween Discount!!!

To inquire, please leave a comment or send an ask to my account! I will contact you as soon as possible!

For more information, please click "keep reading" below!

Art Examples:

Headshots

Half-body

Commission rules:

I am allowed to refuse a service.

Please provide the character reference beforehand the beginning of the commission.

Payment will be paid in Full once the commission is confirmed.

Clients are allowed three minor changes, any following will be an extra 1 USD / 50 php.

I will be sending progress shots the entire duration of the commission.

No refunds once the commission is finished.

My art will not be used for AI/NFT/Harassment.

Please do not remove my Watermark.

Waiting time is 3-7 days, if surpassed, you may contact me for progress.

I will ask permission if I am able to post your commission to my socials.

[numbuh-72]

"I Leave Treasures..." - Blue Moon AU Scenario

You were called to Gianna's house by Rosella and Salvador to be told that a Will was founded in Gianna's room.

Without a second thought, you came over to the house...a few of Gianna's close friends were there too...Waiting for the Will to be read out.

Once all of Gianna's closest friends were there....Rosella begins to read the Will;

"To my friends and family....

I am so sorry to have leave you all behind in this world...I never thought my naiveness would cost my life in desperately trying to free Alice from her chains...only to see in my final moments that she was long gone as well...

In all honesty...I kind of foresaw this to be the case....so before this fate was met, I took the time to prepare some gifts to you all....for you guys were my lights of life...my reasons to keep going. None of you deserve to see or know about my death.

One thing I will ask though is please don't be too sad....The last thing I want from you guys is sadness forever...May the rain that pour down be my tears, seeing you guys in pain from my disappearance.

May the sun be me smiling down, seeing you all push forward for my sake.

May the moon be me giving you sweet dreams and well rest forthe next day.

Do know that I'm not forever gone though....at least not spiritually. Anytime you come visit me...eventually, you will feel a warm presence hug around you...that will be me, comforting you at best...reassuring you that I'm always next to you no matter how far away you are.

Now, for those gifts...please go to my grave...you will see some of my possessions on it. Find the item with your nametag on it...Once you receive that item, my dad will give you a letter corresponding to the item you received from me.

May these items be a symbol to remind you that I will be by your side til the very end...and to never give up. Your smiles, will be my smile.

On the day of the next full moon, a phenomenon will happen that will help you in dire times. Use that advantage, and please for my sake to rest easily, complete my mission; Defeat Alice and Destroy The Entity. Show them no mercy...."

After reading the will, they guide you to the backyard....to Gianna's grave.

On Gianna's grave, the presents given from her friends, were replaced with Gianna's gifts. The parents explained that their presents were moved to Gianna's room as a temporary spot til the gifts on Gianna's grave were claimed.

The following gifts are what Gianna is giving out;

Fan Blades (Sector PHP)

Earrings (Sector PHP)

Plushies (Gianna and Joseph, their hands are stitched together so you must take both) (Aiden)

Two gift boxes....(Those will be reserved to Carol and Skye)

R.I.T.A - She decided to go with someone she can trust to remain by their side forever. (Renya has taken R.I.T.A)

Laptop (Plantazia)

One by one, Gianna's friends walk to the grave and look for the gifts that belong to them.

Once it was your turn, you step up to the grave and find the gift that belongs to you...

Which item do you take?

(If possible DM the item so that way I can edit the post that the item was claimed already-)

[mangocheesecakes]

i've been trying to hold out for weeks now hoping i'd be able to find a source of income one of these days, however small, but sadly i've had no luck at all with the job search and i also have had no time to make things to sell because i've been so busy at home...

things have been hard since the beginning of the year. our pets got sick and i took out another loan on top of my existing ones so i could take them to the vet and buy their medicine. now i don't know how i'm gonna pay my loans, all my pet supplies are running low and i'm rationing their feed to last until at least the weekend, and my mother keeps having stomach problems that she's unable to have properly checked because we simply have no money for it.

please don't hate me, but i'm gonna have to try and ask for help on here 💔

i've put the goal at $100 USD (about Php 5,800) because that amount would cover most of my loan payments for this month, but tbh even if i could gather just half of that amount, or even just $30 or even $20 i'd already be extremely grateful. at least i'd be able to buy pet supplies and groceries for a week, and i'll do everything i can to make it last as long as i could.

please help me get back on my feet 🥹 any amount at all you can afford to send my way would be seriously appreciated ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[artsygirl0315]

This Never Came To Mind Until Earlier Today But—

How Would Sector PHP React To Meeting Sector JP-T?

[The Recommissioned Interesting Twins]

(In full honesty, They actually would be so honored to meet the recommisioned twins! Being in the presence of awesome sectors from either far back or even just cool sectors in general is just an amazing encounter for them!)

There will be two different reactions for the whole sector;

First, we have these two dummies who have a rather dumbfounded reaction yet are actually internally freaking out because wtf? Aren't they supposed to be missing? Aren't they like.. Inactive for a long time now?

So actually getting to meet the twins is a very new experience for them. Jeremiah is a little bit questioning but he'll totally have a breakdown in his room later, Tyler is already having a breakdown (it's a good kind of breakdown).

Now, these three...

How do I even begin with these three?

Let's say that they show their excitement and admiration in a external level rather internally like the other two, Mella should be put as a border because she is both neutral and very surprised to actually have met the twins but she's more on the less breakdown side and has openly accepted on where she stands.

Phoebe and Evan have activated their shared braincell to fangirl/fanboy about the twins, They've read a lot of really cool sectors like them and Sector Z so this reaction is just out of pure adoration for them. Also they're a little fruity but they'll keep that to themselves.

If this is in a different setting like meeting Sector JP-T at Moonbase or out of nowhere in a mission, They'd take it in a more professional level. But if they met out of the blue, in a sudden introduction in a location they wouldn't expect, Yeah. They'd freak tf out. But let's be honest, They are total fans of honorable sectors like them.

[mylittlemystery]

Why I Left

Hey there. It's been quite some time, hasn't it? I want to start this post by saying that I missed all of you, and that the continuous asks left in my inbox along with the wonderful friends I've made via this website is what encouraged me to finally come back - I never intended to leave for this long, but that's besides the point.

TL;DR: I left for two years due to my declining mental health reaching a point where I could no longer sit by and do nothing about it. The asks in my inbox will be being answered, and requests will be published whenever I finish them. I will undoubtedly be slow to respond due to other things I wish to accomplish simultaneously, but for all intents and purposes I have returned - I will be giving this blog a fresh coat of paint before I begin posting anything new.

If you'd like to hear about the nitty gritty details, please see below.

CW: talk of eating disorders, death, declining mental health, suicidal ideation, and self-harm.

Originally, I only intended to be gone for the month of June back in 2022 - I went to a partial hospitalization program (or PHP) for people with eating disorders, and I was told that it should only last from the first to the twenty-ninth. I happen to suffer from both binge eating disorder (BED) and anorexia, so the time I spent there proved to be very impactful and positive for me.

I met some great people. I learned some good coping strategies. I made some long lasting memories.

The day after I had been discharged, someone who I had recently come to look up to and derived a great deal of comfort from passed away - I expect some of you will have been affected by this as well.

Mere months later, I was informed of something extremely difficult involving my extended family with whom I was very close to during my childhood.

The majority of the past two years were spent retreating into myself - my mental health has not been very stable ever since I was rather young, but this was a sort of low point that I had not experienced in a long time. The notion of suicide came very easily to me, and I even resorted to self-harm at the beginning of this year in a poor attempt to cope.

I didn’t want that to be the way things ended.

I went to another PHP program (this one specifically focused on coping with depression), and I have felt better than I have in many moons ever since.

I am coming back to this blog in the hopes that I can continue to make people happy with what I write - after all, this niche little special interest got me through many a dark day myself.

Please keep fighting - I promise that it’s worth it.

You are worthy of love. <3

[codingquill]

SQL Fundamentals #1: SQL Data Definition

Last year in college , I had the opportunity to dive deep into SQL. The course was made even more exciting by an amazing instructor . Fast forward to today, and I regularly use SQL in my backend development work with PHP. Today, I felt the need to refresh my SQL knowledge a bit, and that's why I've put together three posts aimed at helping beginners grasp the fundamentals of SQL.

Understanding Relational Databases

Let's Begin with the Basics: What Is a Database?

Simply put, a database is like a digital warehouse where you store large amounts of data. When you work on projects that involve data, you need a place to keep that data organized and accessible, and that's where databases come into play.

Exploring Different Types of Databases

When it comes to databases, there are two primary types to consider: relational and non-relational.

Relational Databases: Structured Like Tables

Think of a relational database as a collection of neatly organized tables, somewhat like rows and columns in an Excel spreadsheet. Each table represents a specific type of information, and these tables are interconnected through shared attributes. It's similar to a well-organized library catalog where you can find books by author, title, or genre.

Key Points:

Tables with rows and columns.

Data is neatly structured, much like a library catalog.

You use a structured query language (SQL) to interact with it.

Ideal for handling structured data with complex relationships.

Non-Relational Databases: Flexibility in Containers

Now, imagine a non-relational database as a collection of flexible containers, more like bins or boxes. Each container holds data, but they don't have to adhere to a fixed format. It's like managing a diverse collection of items in various boxes without strict rules. This flexibility is incredibly useful when dealing with unstructured or rapidly changing data, like social media posts or sensor readings.

Key Points:

Data can be stored in diverse formats.

There's no rigid structure; adaptability is the name of the game.

Non-relational databases (often called NoSQL databases) are commonly used.

Ideal for handling unstructured or dynamic data.

Now, Let's Dive into SQL:

SQL is a :

Data Definition language ( what todays post is all about )

Data Manipulation language

Data Query language

Task: Building and Interacting with a Bookstore Database

Setting Up the Database

Our first step in creating a bookstore database is to establish it. You can achieve this with a straightforward SQL command:

CREATE DATABASE bookstoreDB;

SQL Data Definition

As the name suggests, this step is all about defining your tables. By the end of this phase, your database and the tables within it are created and ready for action.

1 - Introducing the 'Books' Table

A bookstore is all about its collection of books, so our 'bookstoreDB' needs a place to store them. We'll call this place the 'books' table. Here's how you create it:

CREATE TABLE books ( -- Don't worry, we'll fill this in soon! );

Now, each book has its own set of unique details, including titles, authors, genres, publication years, and prices. These details will become the columns in our 'books' table, ensuring that every book can be fully described.

Now that we have the plan, let's create our 'books' table with all these attributes:

CREATE TABLE books ( title VARCHAR(40), author VARCHAR(40), genre VARCHAR(40), publishedYear DATE, price INT(10) );

With this structure in place, our bookstore database is ready to house a world of books.

2 - Making Changes to the Table

Sometimes, you might need to modify a table you've created in your database. Whether it's correcting an error during table creation, renaming the table, or adding/removing columns, these changes are made using the 'ALTER TABLE' command.

For instance, if you want to rename your 'books' table:

ALTER TABLE books RENAME TO books_table;

If you want to add a new column:

ALTER TABLE books ADD COLUMN description VARCHAR(100);

Or, if you need to delete a column:

ALTER TABLE books DROP COLUMN title;

3 - Dropping the Table

Finally, if you ever want to remove a table you've created in your database, you can do so using the 'DROP TABLE' command:

DROP TABLE books;

To keep this post concise, our next post will delve into the second step, which involves data manipulation. Once our bookstore database is up and running with its tables, we'll explore how to modify and enrich it with new information and data. Stay tuned ...

Part2

[widowskins]

widowbase v3 and v4

Whooboi, there is a lot of discourse going on right now about JCINK coders. Perfect time for me to update some base skins!

For those who just want to streamline their coding process, I have updated my widowbase v3 to include a day/night theme toggle and made a few responsive tweaks to the vertical nav and sidebar. For those looking to learn how to use CSS grid and flexbox to create responsive forum designs, I added a new base, widowbase v4. This version includes some HTML templates that have a very ugly, extremely basic, but functional fluid grid layout. These templates also incorporate hidden divs (read as, display: none) that include the PHP variables frequently used inside those respective HTML templates, so you can easily delete everything I've done and start from scratch with your own. Then just delete the hidden div when you've used everything you need. Easy peasy!

For those of you just beginning your coding journey, I wish you the best of luck! It is such a fun and rewarding hobby. You are also free to rip apart any of the codes on my preview site and cobble them back together. These experiments can be a great learning tool! You are more than welcome to use any of my free resources as a base, as long as the finished product remains free. As for my actual skin bases (or template sets specifically labeled as bases), these can be used for free or paid skins. Make money or give it away, whatever works for you, just leave the credits given to resources intact so others can find out how to accomplish the same thing!

[argg4n]

UPDATED COMM INFO WAHOOOOO

as per usual :0)

will draw:

OCs/dnd characters

gore/horror

multiple characters

established characters/real people

simple backgrounds

can’t/won’t draw:

complex backgrounds (simple backgrounds are negotiable and might have additional fees while shapes/colour blocks are free)

anything too detailed/complicated (up to debate, might cause a price change)

dm me here, on twitter (both @argg4n), on discord (arggan) or email me @ mx.ie0310@gmail.com for inquiries 💖💖

*prices are in usd

☕ ko-fi 🐦twt

terms of service and more samples under the cut 🤙🤙🤙

TOS

comms are for personal/non-commercial use only

additional characters must be on the same canvas, otherwise they’ll be calculated as two (or more) separate comms

payment thru paypal invoice, ko-fi, or gcash if local [dm for php prices ;0)]

payment is either 50% before starting and 50% upon completion OR 100% up front

comms may take an upwards of two months to complete depending on complexity, existing queue, n other factors

rushed comms will have additional fees

comm process:

send me a dm or email

include what you want, references, details, etc (as specific as possible if you can)

after receiving payment, i’ll begin the sketch (ko-fi sketch comms get the sketch straight up, no revisions)

once approved, i’ll begin rendering, wips will be sent throughout :0)

finished comm will be sent thru email and dms :0D

more samples ⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇

also still doing character outfit/ref sheets i just forgot 2 include it up there 👍

[physifeel]

Getting Started with PHP: A Beginner's Guide

Introduction PHP (Hypertext Preprocessor) is a popular server-side scripting language used for web development. With its simplicity, versatility, and extensive community support, PHP has become one of the leading choices for building dynamic and interactive websites. If you’re new to PHP and eager to learn, this article will guide you through the essential steps of getting started with…

[the-nox-syndicate]

SysNotes devlog 3 - Ability to create a new profile

Welcome back to my SysNotes update! SysNotes is a system management app for people with DID, OSDD, and those who are otherwise plural.

(I will keep the intro text the same in all devlogs for context)

This devlog will be shorter than usual because I didn't want to lump it in with the next feature, which I expect will be quite long. In this devlog, I will add a way to create a new profile.

First Devlog (1) | Previous Devlog (2)

Quick Refactor before we jump in

"So I did some refactoring off-camera..." - originally, everything on the page was happening inside one component. I decided to split it up into the main page and the profile section, which is a new separate component. This will keep my code shorter and easier to maintain.

I also added a way to refer to each profile individually by their ID in the URL:

(Colin's profile is ID 4, which is shown in the URL)

I was also storing profile data as separate variables, which would be inconvenient to individually pass into the new main profile component. So I moved them all into one variable:

(old | new)

Design of the New Profile form

To be honest, I've been dreading this part since the beginning. I mean, how do I even lay this out? 💀

It is common for developers to avoid UI design because they are "coders not designers". I, for one, quite enjoy web design. Still, this task feels quite overwhelming to me. So, let's take this little mockup I made and turn it into something usable 💪

Too much stuff?

I think the biggest challenge here is the sheer number of inputs. And as the app grows, the number of inputs in this form will only increase.

The only mandatory input for a new profile is just their name. Therefore, the first step should be separating the Name field from the rest of the inputs.

The new and improved New Profile form is looking much better now:

...Yes, really! That's the whole form!

You are unlikely to know everything about an alter that has just split, so all those fields are completely unnecessary for an alter to be added to the list. Every other detail can be added later through the edit mode, where each field can be edited separately without needing one giant form.

Another big reason why I decided to forego the big form altogether is that the code for saving a new profile and the code for editing a profile would be almost exactly the same (including validation), and it wouldn't make sense to duplicate this code if I can just use it in one instance.

Saving a new profile

Let's add some validation to the input field to make sure that the user enters the name in a correct format.

As the Name is stored in the database as a string, it has the maximum length of 255 characters. Trying to save a longer name than this will cause errors, so we need to validate the input to make sure it's safe to insert into the database:

Here's what happens when I input a whole paragraph of Lorem Ipsum text and try to save it:

On the other hand, a shorter name saves just fine:

By the way, these flash messages are added in 2 ways: the success is a session message, and the error is an error stored separately by the validator. The flash messages originally have no styling, so I defined those myself using Tailwind's "@apply" for efficiency.

Once submitted, the name list automatically updates with our new profile:

(And if I click cancel it just empties the input)

Okay, let's click on Jenny's profile to see what it looks like! ...Oh

This is because the code tries to access Jenny's status, but she doesn't have one yet, she only has a name!

(When I pull the data from the database, I'm trying to access a non-existent value)

(And when I display the values I got from the database, the display may break if the value is NULL)

(This error applies to all profile fields, not just status, however the app crashes after just the first error it comes across so the remaining errors are not shown)

This can easily fixed by using PHP's "isset()" and/or "empty()" function, which checks if a variable has a value:

(I'm using a ternary operator as a more compact alternative to if-else. it basically goes: "if this condition is true ? then do it : if not, do something else")

(And here I just check if these values are not blank before rendering them)

Success, Jenny's profile shows!

Now, we just have to populate this profile with data about Jenny, and to do that we'll need to be able to edit each field. I will work on this in the next devlog, as I expect this to take quite some time.

Thanks so reading! As always, any suggestions are welcome!

[cyber-sec]

Critical PHP Vulnerability Under Mass Exploitation

Source: https://www.securityweek.com/mass-exploitation-of-critical-php-vulnerability-begins/

More info: https://www.greynoise.io/blog/mass-exploitation-critical-php-cgi-vulnerability-cve-2024-457

[alain-keler]

Dimanche 11 décembre 1977.

  Une manifestation a lieu devant la légation d’Égypte, elle est organisée par un Rabbin d'extrême droite, voire plus, le Rabbin Meir Kahane qui sera assassiné le 5 novembre 1990 à Manhattan.

  Le 19 novembre 1977 le président égyptien Anouar el-Sadate se rend en Israël, une visite historique sur le chemin de la paix qui sera signée avec Menahem Begin, premier ministre israélien, le 26 mars 1979, suite aux accords de Camp David le 17 septembre 1978.

 Le 7 octobre 2023, des membres du mouvement terroriste Hamas attaquent les kibboutz frontaliers de Gaza, kibboutz dont beaucoup de membres étaient favorables à la cause palestinienne. *

  Des otages sont retenus dans des conditions horribles par le Hamas, mais sont condamnés par un premier ministre israélien, qui pour échapper à la justice de son pays préfère massacrer des milliers de civils palestiniens, femmes et enfants.

 Du Rabbin Kahane à Benyamin Netanyahou en passant par le Hamas, l'extrême droite et le fascisme a encore beaucoup d'adeptes dans la région.

* https://www.telerama.fr/debats-reportages/dans-les-kibboutz-le-hamas-est-venu-massacrer-des-israeliens-favorables-a-la-cause-palestinienne-7017580.php

[numbuh-72]

"Fan Blades and Earrings" - "I Left Treasures..." Scenario Response 2

(This response is for @artsygirl0315 with her team, Sector PHP)

After seeing Aiden and Carol leave the grave with their presents...Rosella walks up to Sector PHP and speaks softly.

"Gianna would like you guys to pick two items to take home..."

Tyler nods once at Rosella and looks down at Gianna's grave...along with the rest of the members...Phoebe, without a second though, goes up to the grave and chooses Gianna's fan blades as one item, keeping them close and backing up. Jeremiah soon takes a step forward as well and carefully grabs the earrings that Gianna wore all the time.

Both Jeremiah and Phoebe look at Tyler for nod of approval....to which he nodded once.

Mella and Evan were giving a moment of silence to Gianna, closing their eyes and paying their respects to the sweet girl.

Salvador soon came up to the group and hands them a letter.

"Please read this letter when you return to your base..."

Mella turns to Salvador, taking the letter, thanking him. Everyone then looked at one another before looking back at the parents.

"Will you be ok if we went back??" asks Mella with a concerning look.

Rosella gently rests a hand on Mella's shoulder and nods once. "Rest assured Mella dear, we will be ok for the rest of the day. You kids have done so much lately...Please go home and try to rest."

Mella nods once, hugging Rosella before turning to her team and they all head home.

After returning to base, Phoebe and Jeremiah carefully set down the items onto the table and the all begin to stare at the items.

Phoebe could only well up tears on her face and looks away...really upset.

"...I can't believe she's gone...."

Mella could only hug Phoebe in silence...trying to comfort her.

"Gianna did not deserve this at all...she was a great friend...." Jeremiah added on, before looking away himself.

"..Why would this demon girl do this to her?"

Tyler could only ponder the thoughts...feeling a bit frustrated in himself....How come Gianna never told them about Alice? Why would she try to fight her alone? They could've helped Gianna and prevent this from happening!

Tyler's thoughts were snapped out of when Mella opens the letter and begins to read what Gianna left behind.

"Sector PHP, my fun and amazing group of friends,

I'm so sorry that the word came out about my death...I thought I was able to get out of my situation alive...but...fate had other plans. I wish we could've made more memories together since you guys have been nothing but amazing to me. I mean...you were were my welcome wagons after all. Been there for me when I was at my lowest...So, I wanna thank you for that. I instructed my mom to tell you guys to grab two of my possessions as my way of thanking you all.

May my Fan Blades be your weapons of protection against those creatures Alice might make in the future...take very good care of them. Anytime you use my weapon, that will be me in the battlefield, helping you guys, protecting you all.

May my Earrings be my spirit protecting you all from Alice's curse. Whoever wears them, shall be protected spiritually...and will be given my energy to fight back. Please be sure to share the earrings if planning to wear them. I will warn you, however....There isn't much energy left in them..To where it was passed down, you will see when it happens.

One last thing...please try to not feel sad forever my friends....The last thing I want to see in any of my friends is sadness forever. Once all of this is over...please, push forward with smiles. I will always be by your sides wherever you go. If you feel warmth in your area...that'll be me, hugging you for reassurance. I love you all and may you guys emerge victorious." - Gianna

Everyone could only fall silent once Mella finished reading the letter Gianna left behind. Jeremiah thought about what Gianna said about the earrings and looks outside at the Blue Moon. He smiles softly while tears fall from his face.

"Guys....I think I already found out about the earrings mystery."

Everyone else turned to him and followed outside, seeing the Blue Moon. It would make sense to why it suddenly appeared and hasn't gone away since Gianna's passing.

"...So...What are we gonna do now?" Evan questions everyone.

Tyler clutches his fists and goes inside.

"...We must continue with the task at hand...and avenge Gianna."

Phoebe nods in agreement.

"Agreed....that Alice girl must pay for what she did to Gianna, to all of us!"

Jeremiah turns to them with an smirk.

"Luckily...I do happen to have some weapons to test out on those creatures..."

Jeremiah soon goes to his room, taking a moment til he comes back out with some new weapons he was testing. Everyone took a weapon and look at each other, before looking at the moon one last time.

"Hang tight and rest for now, Gianna...We won't let Alice win this war..."

"We will do our best to push forward even after the fight..."

Tyler speaks one last time, before the team left their base, going out to the neighborhoods to fight off the creatures and rescue kids.

[never-not-ever]

The Last Hour

I'm scrolling on Tik Tok and I land on a clip from Girl Interrupted. It's not triggering or anything so I search "girl interrupted" and just scroll through there. Even a clip of Daisy's suicide didn't bother me.

What got to me was a clip of Lisa in the beginning being dragged out of a room about to be restrained and IM'd. That just brought me right back to the unit. How traumatizing it was, hearing restraints, seeing my close friends in the chair. Lisa in the clip begging "no" echoing what I heard on the unit.

So I went in my kitchen and sat down on the table. There's no chairs and it's not even used as a table it's just against the wall. This table has become a new place for me when things get too much. As I'm typing these words I'm realizing that this table is the corner at the end of the unit, in between a shower room and the QR. I'd sit in that corner because not a lot of people walked down that hall. That corner was my place to go on the unit when things got too much and now this table in my kitchen has become my place. Sad.

Back to the last hour. So I sit on the table and I start recording a video just to get the thoughts out of my head. I don't know why I didn't just type out a note, I guess it's easier to just talk. It was a short video just explaining what had happened (second paragraph up top). And then I was hit with this realization. You see I am my worst critic, I invalidate myself, I worry how things will look if x, y, and z happens. I tell myself you're just playing out these "would be" conversations because you want them to happen. You keep thinking you're going to end up back in the hospital because you want to go back...

I owe a lot more of an update than just the past hour but for the past 3 weeks yes it's been a worry. I've said "I'm surprised I'm not back yet" and "it's probably going to happen soon". But the past few days it's becoming more of a legit fear and I really want to have the conversation with my therapist tomorrow about it. She's a new therapist and I've said those two things above but like it's not actually talked about like reasons to go back, how I would feel, etc.. and for the first time I'm actually going into therapy knowing how I want the session to go.

And my point of this whole post is that I'm finally validating myself that no I do not want to go back to the hospital. My inner critic tells me all the time that I just miss the safety there and being cared for, that I want to go back and I don't need to go back. But after tonight why on earth would I want to go back to a place that has given me so many traumatic memories? Sure there was "safety" although in my case there was only so much they could do to keep me safe and I still found ways around it. Sure it was a "comfort" at times. The staff would listen and I could tell they cared.

But none of that outweighed how much the acuity of the unit affected me. For months all I wanted was to leave, was actually playing a role in my discharge and actively trying to make it happen. All I wanted was to leave, even the day I left when I was filled with so much anxiety and fear, I still wanted to leave. So why on earth would I want to return to that?

go out for a drive whenever I want

cooking

cuddling with my cats

spending time in the bathroom with privacy

walking around my apartment in shorts and a tank top

being able to take my time doing my nails

being able to use my laptop and phone while they're charging

sleeping in total darkness

It's a sad, short list that mostly involves being at home.. *spoiler alert* I'm not in PHP anymore and don't have a job nor do I have a social life. But we'll save all that for an actual update at some point? It's funny all I have is downtime, you'd think I'd be on here live blogging my pathetic excuse of a life.

But for real.. I've grown used to my comforts here and I know for a fact I'm not going back inpatient unless it's needed for my safety.

I guess this post was basically just me proving a point to myself.