#please pray for my lesbian book

[kithj]

i've been trying to order this book since like early february and two separate bookshops have cancelled the order on me now.... please.....

[yermes]

PAC: 🪄 

what should you work on understanding about yourself

To do magic is to discover, learn, and deepen you understanding of the space around you and most importantly, to discover yourself. Man is simply just a microcosm to reflect the divine after all.

Disclaimer: please take what I say with a grain of salt and not as the gospel. I just want to share some ideas of practicing and giving advice using the medium as often as I can with school, work, and my own personal studies and practice. Podcast is up! Will keep working on it (: Liking and sharing does a lot 🥰

Socials: TipJar | Follow me!

Pick a meme

1 2 3

The cards

Snake + fish 🎣 🐍 

Law of attraction babes. The reason you are poor is because of how you act. Your ass is up in here putting money in a bowl as an offering praying to god when you can do the best money ritual of all time and save your money and pray and keep looking for abundance. You have issues with wealth and abundance because of too much complexity and misplaced ideals on how to use it.

Book + Cross 📚 🩼 

Be careful of who you take advice and or “wisdom” from. True wisdom comes from actually learning about yourself and not fronting like you do. Make sure you actually take the steps to understand yourself and don’t fall for shallow ideas of self.

Letter + Lady 💌 🧣 

Oh look someone who looks at their phone all day and sees angel numbers but will ignore 78 red flags 🫵📸. You couldn’t spot a sign if it knocked you upside your head and sent you to the ER in America. Look for signs and work on that intuition girl.

Extras:

Story/vent:

My friend who I will not escape lesbian lover allegations with bought me some coffee ❤️💕

[fiberglassandflowers]

Hey idk if there’s some master post about mbts but if there is may I please ask where and if not could I perhaps humbly request a description because it sounds cool as FUCK

omg yayy okay so there's not a masterpost as of now (though there is a google doc in the works that will probably be. very big) BUT i will try to give a brief rundown. underneath a readmore 👍

OK SO. IN SUMMARY

MARY BELL TOWNSHIP: more like mary bell CLOWNSHIT ha ha. heavy surveillance like everywhere (including in peoples homes. how fun). it's also got some like radiation stuff going on. all the residents are a lil radiation poisoned But it's mostly fine. also the town moves and i dont know why.

VANNIE OVERTURE: based on suburbia overture. the mayor who is a vampire. major control freak. sucks shit. like most of the reason mary bell is the way it is. permasmile swag. has killed before. hates when people are weird freaks and is actively passive aggressive if not outright aggressive.

TRIP LETWO: based on 2econd 2ight 2eer. world's silliestguy contrarian and infamous public nuisance. deeply tortured individual but shes dealing with it i guess. physically cant leave mary bell township. he has too much goddamn lore

LYDIE LAPLACE: based on laplace's angel. so lame. just deeply lame. killed a guy and got kicked out of office building heaven (laplace's inc. id give this its own section but it doesnt really matter all that much). i dont ever think about it unfortunately im sorry women.

MINA BYRD: based on i/me/myself. very sweet very nice. ladybugpilled socialanxietycel. doesnt have a whole lot going on but she is nice im glad shes there. im gonna have a significant relationships section of this but im saying that shes roommates with lia here bc its not really significant otherwise

WALTER LEE: based on ...well, better than the alternative. worlds first cis father to be a butch lesbian. probably a girl but she doesnt know that. weird nostalgia issues so bad his wife left him.

DOTTY LEE: ten years old. strange little girl but i dont really think about it a lot. not much else to say about her really.

LIA CRATES: based on outliars and hyppocrates. her name is pronounced like lie-uh cray-tees not lee-ah crayts. i have to clear this up because i realized most people were wrong LMAO. a little mean but not so much when you get to know her.

WARREN LEARY: based on blackboxwarrior. actually the worst therapist you will EVER meet. isnt even licensed. you book a session with her and she only talks about herself the entire time. constantly referencing a dark and contradictory past.

MARSHA TILLIS: based on marsha, thankk you for the dialectics. slightly better therapist! still not that good. has the spirit of an old man despite being in his 40s. will begin to psychoanalyze your behavior upon the first thirty seconds of knowing you.

NORMAN LEE: based on love, me normally. guy trying really really hard to be a regular guy. has a loooot of problems that stem from this. hugest people pleaser the world has ever known. a little bit offputting. has hair symbolism :-)

MORTIMER: based on memento mori. doesn't have a last name. worlds silliest grim reaper death thing. works in the death division for laplace's inc. lived a pretty normal life. then it died :-(. more here

FERN O'DYNAMIC: based on thermodynamic lawyer. hates his bitch wife (who is a praying mantis for. unknown reasons? will elaborate). just has a lot of anger inside him and doesnt know how to deal with it so he takes it out on other people. he kind of sucks but he's a neat character.

MIRANDA WRIGHT: the person being sung about in thermodynamic lawyer. bug wife (i can blame anything on radiation). she wasnt always a bug she just kinda did that idk. there's not much about her but she's an etymologist.

COTARD LETWO: based on cotard's solution. she has so many problems oh my gooood. deeply lonely person. fascinated with the macabre. its like coping mechanism that makes you worse. im insane about her writing a basic description is so difficult fkdjsfhsjd

RAMONA MCLAREN: based on red moon + hand me my shovel (though the latter was included later on bc it fit her). worlds most intelligent and stupid single celled organism. patheticswag. absolutely batshit insane. attempting to solve the end of the world.

KUIPER SUNSHINE: based on dr sunshine is dead. uh. i dont really know much about her to be honest SORRY... its really silly though + haver of prophetic dreams that she is NOT transparent about. fucks with people a lot just for funsies

COLIN THESIER: based on cover this song. girl who used to be in a band but got kicked out bc of friend drama. survivor of a toxic codependent queer friendship. trying to be a better person bc she used to suck pretty bad unfortunately. a bit more here

theres like a couple more characters but none of them are really important enough to give their own sections. debbie letwo is trip and cotards mom, laplace is the head of laplace's inc, maude is walter's ex wife who left him (heres the scoop on that).

OK NOTABLE CHARACTER DYNAMICS TIME:

VANNIE/NORMAN: norman has been pretending to be a normal dude this whole time + vannie totally fell for it. normans stuck in this friendship bc hes too much of a people pleaser to break it off even though vannie actively drains him emotionally. also he feels validated by vannie thinking hes normal. its so awful im so insane about their dynamic

VANNIE/TRIP: THEY HAAAATE EACH OTHER. their entire core beliefs are at odds (guy who thinks everyone should do their best to conform vs. guy who loves being a weird freak and doing fuck all). their dynamic is honestly pretty simple in comparison but theyre so petty and stupid its insane. if you put them alone in the same room one of them isnt coming out

TRIP/NORMAN: theyre gay together. there's a weird lore thing about the way relationships are handled in mary bell but long story short theres paperwork that has to be filled out if you want to be registered for one and trip thinks its really funny for xem and norman to constantly break up so they'll have to fill out the paperwork because it fucks with vannie. theyre also kind of awful and tragic

WALTER/DOTTY: that is a father and his daughter. walters trying his best and hes doing well but nothing would have been better than just moving out of mary bell township to raise his child.

WALTER/MAUDE: already linked a more in-depth explanation of their deal but ill summarize it here. maude thought living in mary bell township was really bad for a child (and it is) but since walter has issues about idealizing his childhood he was like "whaaat well i was raised here and im fine" and they fought about it and once it became clear walter wasnt changing his mind maude figured shed just spare herself from all of it. so she left 💯

WARREN/MARSHA: what if the two worst therapists ever were queerplatonic and violated hipaa together. also what if one of them [marsha] was helping the other [warren] because they're on the run from the law. would that be crazy or what

FERN/MIRANDA: actually awful. they really want to divorce but trip and norman keep clogging up the paperwork so theyre on a waiting list forever. their relationship was really good at one point but its not anymore :-( more info here

NORMAN/FERN: fern haaates norman because of the previously mentioned paperwork debacle but normans ass cant deal with the thought of anyone disliking him so hes just been really trying to get on his good side to no avail. also theyre coworkers so its more relevant

MORTIMER/TRIP: man how do i even summarize this one. due to lore reasons that you can read about in the link provided in trips session they have a super weird dynamic present day. or at least on trips end, mortimer is just super friendly to them and it wigs her out.

TRIP/COTARD: OUGUIGHJ. AOAUYFGDSFHSJ. tragic sibliiings. man i dont even know if i can go into this. go here and here if you want to learn more about them. jesus

COTARD/COLIN: frienndsss :-] classic extrovert forcing themselves into introverts life trope a little bit. they play music together and its great. mina's also in their little group but the two of them are closer

KUIPER/RAMONA: have been described by my friend as being "nonromantic freak4freak" and this is true. theyre working together on the end of the world stuff. they also rope cotard into it but thats lore i havent talked much about yet. go here and here for more info about them.

that might??????? be it?????? if there's more ill update it but thats the general basics i think. thank you for being interested and hopefully reading i greatly appreciate it :-)

[thistlecatfics]

Tedromeda Rec List

I put together a Tedromeda rec list for an anon ask of @spindrifters, and I figured it ought to be its own post! I like messy, imperfect, bordering on toxic Tedromeda, and I especially love lesbian!Tedromeda so if those are not your things you may not vibe with this rec list and that's ok! But if they are -

Turncoat: in defense of andromeda tonks nee black, @ink-splotch (8.3k) 

“When her little cousin Sirius got disowned too, years later, Andromeda sent him a fruit basket.”

This fic was so big and so brilliant and the world building is so excellent. It made me cry. I had to triple check the word count in putting it here because it seems so much longer because it’s just so rich with life and detail. 

War, or Peace, or Whatever This Is, Slyboots (7.6k) 

“Fall in line, that’s the way, and never mind who gives the orders. Carrying on, that’s the British national sport.”In the aftermath of the Fall of the Ministry of Magic, Andromeda Tonks does what little good she can.”

I love a war time fic with complicated world building and no good choices. Really brilliant fic. The sharp, fast moving pace adds to the paranoid anything-can-happen-at-any-moment feeling of a coup.

In Memoriam, Bitterfic on LiveJournal (6k)

“When he was young, brash, he had said that the Muggle-born were as good as any purebloods, yet he had never doubted that Andromeda Black was infinitely superior to him. Even after twenty-five years of marriage, he never thought of her by his name, as Andromeda Tonks. She was to him always Andromeda Black whose voice cut through the darkness that night in the Forbidden Forest.” (cw: sexual assault, suicidal ideation) 

A brilliant haunting little fic from my favorite LJ writer from wayyy back in the day. Ted Tonks POV

Andromeda Liberata (133k+ WIP) (lesbian Tedromeda) 

“In which Andromeda Black cruelly betrays her sisters and sets in motion the total destruction of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black because she fell in love with a lesbian muggleborn.”

While it might be tacky to put your own fic in a rec list,  I’m quite proud of it :)

i don’t forgive you (but please don’t hold me to it) by evawrites (10k, T) (lesbian Tedromeda)

For Andromeda, the choice is not between the Dark and the Light. It’s not between Headmaster Dumbledore and the Dark Lord, not between Teddy’s family and her own. Instead, it’s between Bella and Teddy. Foolishly, Andromeda prays she’ll get to keep both.(She gets to keep neither.)

Dark and haunting and the contrast between Bellatrix and Ted is so well set up.

history books forgot about us by spindrifters (25k, E)

Andromeda Black meets Ted Tonks quite by accident, and it’s something like mischief at first sight. From the lost papers and mixed-up files of the marginalia universe, the complete history of a relationship that was never meant to happen.

This canon-divergent universe is everything, and these two recklessly in love kids are everything to me!

wherefore/evermore by @leftsidedown (150 words, T)

continuing the Great Literary Tradition of mad women writing villanelles

A poem!!

-

And then some Andromeda-centric fic where Tedromeda is important but it's not really a shippy fic:

not like the rest of them by unspeakable3 (11k, T)

Sirius has recently followed in Andromeda's footsteps and emancipated himself from their family. This afternoon, the two cousins will reunite - and see each other for the first time in four years. Andromeda is nervous. Sirius is nervous. There is a lot they need to say to each other.

Imperfect runaways!!

we were sisters once (we have another love now) by Nefaria_Black (3k, T)

Dora is six and few things are more exciting than a day spent in Diagon Alley. Even if the street is packed with people. Even if she’s separated from her parents by the crowd Because Mother is easy enough to find, isn’t she?

Haunting fairytale vibes

The Waves by nanneramma (3k, M)

Andromeda is not sure if she got it right. But she tried.

Gorgeous canon-compliant character study

-

And for those who like some Blackcest with their Tedromeda:

Clip, Ravel, Cleave by @vdoshu (15k, E)

Before Andromeda met Ted, she was a Black, through and through. While years later the story was told that she’d turned her back on her family’s dark ways, in truth, nothing was so simple.In the beginning, it was just Andromeda and Bella. And it was just the two of them until it was too much.

An all-time favorite featuring Andromeda and Ted meeting after Hogwarts and dark magic addiction and all sorts of dark goodness

[merp-blerp]

Some Tincrow Moments From The Wiz Production I Just Saw While It’s Fresh In My Mind

Note: I had never seen the stage version of The Wiz before last night, so I could be missing things and points. Also, my memory might be just a bit fuzzy on exact details, but I know this stuff mention did indeed happen at some point.

Avery Wilson was Scarecrow and Phillip Johnson Richardson was Tinman. They absolutely killed it. Everyone did. I’m going to need a cast album and pro-shot please!

Scarecrow is a dance God once they get him off the poll in time for “You Can’t Win”. Why they kept Michael Jackson on a damn poll in the movie despite the fact that his dance moves would've been really cool for Scarecrow, I’ll never know.

This is the first direct Oz retelling I’ve seen to give Scarecrow a human backstory (Wicked is more of/better off seen as it’s own thing in my opinion). He was once a scientist who got his brain taken by one of the witches and turned into a Scarecrow. I don’t remember if it’s mentioned if he had a family in this show—it might’ve not been—but if he did I guess he would’ve completely forgotten because he “has no brain”. And I might be wrong, but I think it was mentioned he had a name too, but if so I don’t remember it. I find that interesting and fun to play with, especially if one would be able to compare and contrast that with Nick Chopper’s backstory (and/or whatever the Tinman’s name might be in this version of Oz; guy collects names like candy). I would have to see The Wiz again in order to do that myself, but you know, I like the idea.

Tinman’s backstory is slightly different. He was too gay and sassy for his own good, saying one of the witches was a “rusty” singer, causing her to turn him from a lumberjack into a “heartless” Tinman who gradually lost almost all of his memories outside of the mere fact that he once had a family due to this curse. He thinks he doesn’t have a heart because he can’t remember the ones he loved, just that he used to. Nimmie Amee isn’t a part of his story in this show. That’s about as tragic as the backstory Baum gave him, if not worse.

Give me an angst with a happy ending AU where Tinman and Scarecrow knew each other as humans but both forgot due to their curses, only to rediscover each other through their found families. Imagine Scarecrow having Nimmie Amee’s original role in a way—noooo—

Scarecrow mimicking Tinman’s rusty dance moves while they oil him (he mimicked a lot of people throughout the show—Dorothy, the wizard’s announcers calling his name, maybe etc., so I guess it was just his cute little thing).

When Dorothy’s trying to convince the gang to bring Lion along Tinman says “Are you sure? We already have to bring Captain Brainless?” (or something a lot like that, I'm paraphrasing), thinking they had too many already as if his husband wasn't first in line on the journey before him, only for Scarecrow to say, “I’m captain?!?!” *Insert cute happy head waggles* (Hits different when you know Scarecrow becomes the ruler of Oz after the first book till Ozma’s found, but his leadership wasn't mentioned in The Wiz so maybe that's not on purpose) I adore Avery Wilson’s take on Scarecrow. Tinman has always been my favorite of Dorothy’s friends if I had to pick one, but Wilson’s performance really made Scarecrow stand out even more than usual. I don’t know if I can explain it, it might just have to be seen; pray there’s a slime tutorial out there.

Lion’s kinda gay too, but in solo. And I know Ozma’s not here, so there’s not really any evidence for Dorothy’s queerness… but she is—I can feel it in my lesbian soul, okay!?!?

All of Dorothy’s friends not only want their gifts, but don't see the point in their existences without them. It made me sad for them.

I don’t know where to mention it, but Toto’s not in this show at all—poor guy. EDIT: I just learned that in the original production, Toto was played by a white dog as a joke that there was an all-black cast as opposed to him traditionally being a black/brown dog with a white cast. That is hilarious—why didn't they recreate that???

Tincrow’s only straight-feeling moment is with them both being distracted by the poppies (which caught me off guard in this show because traditionally Scarecrow and Tinman are the only ones not affected by the poppies because they’re not flesh and blood like Dorothy, Lion, and Toto; in this Dorothy was the one to break everyone free from them. I’ve been trying to understand the purpose of this change. Maybe to give Dorothy a bit more agency). The poppies were these sensual flower ladies trying to convince the gang to be lazy, which on it’s own is a fun twist on the flowers that put Dorothy and Lion to sleep. But hey, maybe that makes it not straight, just lazy. I'm all for Bi4Bi Tincrow too.

After the Kalidahs attack they comfort and hype each other and Dorothy up (Dorothy’s their sapphic adopted daughter, in this essay, I will—).

I forget when exactly this happens, maybe during the Kalidahs scene, but at one point they casually cling to each other's arms for no(?) reason. They just met and they’re already married.

Scarecrow backup-singing a little before everyone else joins Tinman during “What Would I Do If I Could Feel” (at least at my showing, I don’t know if this is a regular occurrence as a part of the show or just something that happened to happen at mine).

Making fun of the Wicked Witch together, calling her smelly, and having Lion join in. Bros, that’s what got you in trouble to begin with—messing with a dang witch!

Interestingly, the idea of Dorothy’s friends having they’re gifts all along isn’t here. Instead, it’s implied that after they kill the last wicked witch the curse is mostly lifted, with Tincrow’s gifts returning to them, but they stay a scarecrow and tin-man for some reason. I like to think they still had them all along though, that idea’s too cute and sweet for me to let go of.

The last time we see them they leave the stage together, Lion going ahead of them to reunite with his mom. I can’t explain why this feels important to me. I guess because usually characters exit the stage individually as like a goodbye queue to the audience, knowing that that last step off the stage will detemand the last impression of the characters. So the fact that the last impression of both of them is them together feels special. Or maybe it’s just me.

They both had such sassy black queer vibes the whole time. The show itself already has such sass, but both of them, Scarecrow especially, were oozing it in different fonts. They were giving off bear x twink—or maybe otter couple vibes.

Gay or not, The Wiz is so great! I recommend it so much!

[itslenagain]

How did I figure out I was a lesbian at 27?

Hi I'm high on cold medicine & I've had people ask me before how I figured out that I am a lesbian vs bi/pan sooo here is a long post on my journey & how I figured out I'm not actually into men!

I started out by establishing these very basic facts:

While I have had serious relationships with men, there was always an underlying feeling of discomfort surrounding those relationships that I struggled to identify

While (at that time) I had not had a serious relationship with a woman, I found that I did not feel that discomfort during past romantic and sexual encounters with women

I have always felt romantic and sexual attraction towards women (though I am definitely ace-spec, which I will discuss further below), but don't really experience those attractions towards men

I have significant relationship trauma related to previous relationships with men, and also significant childhood trauma. TRAUMA/MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT A CAUSE OF QUEERNESS! But, it was important for me to address this in my specific situation (will discuss in more detail below)

Once I had established the facts, I started to analyze a little further. One thing that was helpful for me to learn about comphet and to understand the role it played in how I viewed romantic relationships. If you've found this post because you are questioning and you're unsure about what comphet is or what it means, this article explains how comphet is taught throughout childhood and the potential consequences it may have on queer teens and adults.

Which leads us to,

Part 1: Understanding my Tragic Backstory™️

I, unfortunately like many other queer people, was raised in a very cisheteronormative home where my parents were openly transphobic and, while slightly quieter about it, homophobic. When my parents talked to me about my future, their idea of my future absolutely included me finding a man and having his children. It was almost unthinkable for them to imagine I could have any other goal in life. That was how they were raised, and in turn, that's how they raised me. I often felt like I was fighting for their approval.

I knew from my early teens that I liked girls.

(It would take me until my mid-20's to figure out that I am non-binary but that's a story for another post)

For my 13th birthday party, my friends and I rode a limo to go to see the Twilight movie in theaters, since we all were obsessed with the books. My friends were arguing over whether Edward or Jacob would be the better kisser (don't act like you weren't cringe at 13) and the whole time I could not imagine myself kissing literally any of the men in that movie. Now, Rosalie? Oh my GOD I wanted her to step on me. Alice? Please, climb on top of me and do my eyeliner. I shipped Bella and Alice, but also Bella and Bree, because of course I did. 🐀✨️

At that time in my life, I also would regularly attend Catholic mass every Sunday with my neighbor. She was like a grandmother to me, she was one of my safe spaces away from my parents. I looked up to her. We would drink coffee at her kitchen table and chat about school and about life. She taught me how to crochet. We both loved to sing and would sit in the front row together so we could be close to the piano at church. I didn't know she had any kids of her own until she told me about her daughter. She would talk about her in a way that you could tell it pained her. She told me how her daughter made a decision that disappointed her, how she prayed every Sunday that she would see the light and come back to the church.

The decision her daughter made? Marrying a woman.

So despite knowing and recognizing that I was attracted to women, knowing that not only my parents, but also this person who at the time I seriously looked up to, would likely not be accepting of me dating women, I felt like I had to hide. It also made me believe that maybe I *was* attracted to men, I just hadn't met the right one yet. Yes, I even told everyone I was Team Edward.

When I was 14, I ended up in a 3 month relationship with someone who at the time identified as a girl (has since figured out he's a trans guy) and felt ready to talk to my parents. I planned to come out to them as bisexual. They were NOT okay with this. Mom said that bisexual doesn't exist (booo) and that I wasn't allowed to be a lesbian because women could never possibly have happy relationships with each other (she does not have any long-term female friendships) and she didn't want me to have a "miserable life" (I feel sad for anyone who is miserable around women tbh).

Cue the part where I decided to try dating a man to see what it was like and ended up in a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship! ✨️🎉🎊

Cue parents telling me that I can't base my sexuality on one bad experience! ✨️🎉🎊

Cue my neighbor telling me God was preparing a man for me and I just had to be patient and trust in the Lord to find him! ✨️🎉🎊

Cue therapists who told me I probably felt uncomfortable around men because I was traumatized and I'd eventually get over it! ✨️🎉🎊

Cue friends, family, and random strangers telling me it's okay and it's "not all men" and one day I'd find the perfect man who would "fix my broken heart!" ✨️🎉🎊

So you can see how I became confused by all of this! Part of me wanted to believe that I *could* still be attracted to men, that I *could* have a healthy relationship with one, and anytime I had doubts, I'd basically end up gaslighting myself and blaming my trauma.

Which brings us to,

Part 2: Maybe I *did* just need to meet the right man?

I did not have any positive male role models growing up. My parents' marriage was, to put it mildly, not great. It's a common thing in media to see men and women in relationships that don't even really seem to like each other! Comedians make a killing off of the "old ball & chain" type jokes. Straight people often speak of their spouses as if they're an annoyance.

So when you consider all of that, how the hell was I supposed to know what I am supposed to feel towards men?

I could talk for hours about all the negative experiences I've had with men, but when analyzing my feelings, I decided to zoom in on what was probably the healthiest relationship I've ever had with a man. I felt like that was the less biased lens to view my feelings towards men through, despite it ending in a not-so-great way.

Junior year of high school, I met a man through a mutual friend who thought we'd make a cute couple. He made me feel... less uncomfortable than most other men did. So romantic, I know. I was not attracted to him, but he was someone who I would say was definitely conventionally attractive. I wanted to give it a shot, so we started spending more time together, at first just talking in the hallway or during lunch, to eventually seeing each other outside of school.

As he and I began to open up to each other more, we discovered that we both had sexual trauma. I felt that he understood me on a level that a lot of people did not understand me at that point in my life. He said he felt that way about me, too. We formed a connection over it, and for a while, he became my safe space. We were together for almost 2 years. I honestly believe that the attention and care that he treated me with when it came to sex, when it came to our relationship, and my history, that all helped me heal parts of my trauma. I don't think I could be comfortable with sex in the way I am today without having had that safe environment he created for me. I think I would not be as comfortable in relationships as I am if it were not for him.

I still wanted to believe I was capable of being attracted to men, so I hoped that maybe with time, with him, it would happen.

It did not.

Even though I was comfortable spending time with him, and comfortable having sex with him, it still all felt a little off to me, and I couldn't understand why. It felt like there was something missing. Things were really good with us for probably the first year and a half, but got ugly towards the end. I was struggling with things inside myself and took it out on him. He cheated on me. It hurt a lot at the time, but I made my peace with it. I forgive him. I hope he forgives me.

But, the point here is, that even with a man who was seemingly "the right man," I still did not experience romantic or sexual attraction, just an emotional connection.

So then I thought,

Part 3: Well, maybe I'm just ace?

I've always had fewer crushes than my friends. They would just call me picky. I don't think being picky is a bad thing! But when I started thinking about this in terms of my romantic and sexual orientation, I started to wonder if maybe it was because I did not fall on the same end of the spectrum as they did.

Asexuality is a wide spectrum that encompasses people who don't experience sexual attraction in the way allosexual people do. There are Ace people who are completely repulsed by the idea of sex, there are Ace people who feel indifferent about it, there are Ace people who feel other types of attractions but maybe not sexual attraction, there's demisexual and graysexual and all the orientations that fall under that umbrella.

I am someone who loves sex. It's fun, it's creative. It can be casual, or it can be a way you connect yourself to another person on another level. On the other hand, I also don't think sex is 100% necessary in order to have a healthy long-term romantic relationship, and my sex drive in general is on the low side.

Through exploration, I've discovered that it's almost impossible for me to feel sexually attracted to a person that I don't have some sort of existing connection with. This probably puts me somewhere on the demisexual spectrum. However, because I have been able to form celebrity crushes (though very rare) I tend to identify myself as graysexual. The things that make me sexually attracted to someone are inconsistent. I don't really have a "type."

It took me a looong time to work out the difference between "I want sex and this person is available" and "this person specifically is who I am interested in having sex with." They sound similar! It was easy for me to confuse the two! The more that I evaluated these feelings and worked through them, I was able to fully recognize the difference; all of my sexual encounters with men fell into that first category, most of my sexual encounters with women fell into the second.

I am a person who enjoys sex, and I *can* have sex with men, but it's not really because I *want* to have sex with men. This was a very awkward discovery to make at 26 when I had been married to a man for several years. However, it helped me understand some of the dynamics of that relationship (as well as past ones) and was the gateway to me wanting to further my understanding of my sexuality.

Which got me thinking,

Part 4: What makes me want to date a person, anyways?

By the time I was thinking about this part of the question, I was about to turn 27, married to a man, we had 2 kids, I had just come out as non-binary. My husband was an okay man. We had plenty of ups and downs, just like anyone. Realizing that I wasn't sexually attracted to him was definitely rough, but I still believed that the more I thought it out and worked on myself, I'd realize that everything was okay afterall and we'd survive my minor identity crisis.

(We did not. The divorce was finalized last month.)

When I met my ex-husband, I was 19 years old and wanting desperately to get away from my family. It was an incredibly turbulent time in my life. He was 26 (I know, I'm grossed out by it now, too) and finishing up college. We worked together. The flirting started almost immediately. I liked the attention. We started dating, and 6 months in, he proposed. We got married on our 1 year dating anniversary. I still had that weird feeling that something was off, but I blamed myself and just assumed it would get better. Just for a little backstory there. I am the literal definition of "don't date a man when you're 19"

I started really thinking about the things that made me interested in dating someone. I'd never really thought much about it before. I sat down and made a chart of all of my past relationships (and even some crushes) and wrote down the things that made me want to date that person. I literally cried reading it. Full-on existential crisis. There was such a stark contrast between the things that made me want to date women vs the things that made me want to date men.

Some of the common themes when it came to my crushes/relationships with women:

Being around her makes me happy

I spend all day and all night thinking about her

She's thoughtful, I love her mind, etc

We have some common interests

She's beautiful, I could stare at her all day, I'm attracted to her, etc

She makes me want to do (insert romantic thing here)

I can imagine a future for us & it makes me want to be alive so we can have it

Sounds pretty cute, right? Like, that's what a crush should feel like! When I think about dating women, it just makes me feel so warm and I want to give her the world.

Some common themes when it came to relationships with men:

I was tired of being lonely

There was something he could provide for me that I needed (ie emotional support, attention, money etc)

Other people thought it was a good idea so I wanted to try it

He asked me out

He seems nice

Umm. Wow. Yeah. You get my point here? Note that when I tried to think of any men I had a crush on, I couldn't think of any other than Gordon Ramsey (listen I like food and I feel like that man could eat pussy like a pro)

The more I analyzed my relationships with men, the more I realized that there were a lot of.... transactional elements? Like. Yes, I can do romance with this man, as long as he pays the bills... yes, I can do sex with this man, as long as I am completely in charge of everything... whereas with women, it's not conditional. It's not "I can make myself do this for her," it's "I want to do this for her."

For a long time, I believed this was normal. But in the past few years, I've seen couples who are actually happy with each other, people in nice, stable relationships, people who love each other unconditionally, and I just thought, oh my God, *that's* what is missing for me. That's why my relationships feel off. I just kept putting myself into relationships I was not happy with or did not want.

Now I'm 29, I'm divorced, I'm out to everyone (including my family - mom has calmed down a bit, dad is still weird about it) and I am very happy with my girlfriend! I still have a long way to go in terms of healing and really fully understanding myself, but I feel like I've made so many big steps forward on that front.

Part 5: But what if you're wrong?

That's the thing - it's possible I'm wrong. Maybe I am indeed bisexual. Maybe I actually do like men, I'm just not as healed from my trauma as I think I am. Yeah, it's possible, I guess.

There's one thing I know for sure that I'm definitely not wrong about - I am gay as fuck for girls. I love women. Being around women makes me want to be alive. Being around women makes my heart feel whole. I honestly cannot for the life of me imagine myself ever dating a man again.

We all have that voice in our head that makes us doubt, that makes us feel like an imposter, that makes us think we aren't worthy. For a long time, that voice has been telling me that I am not good enough to be loved and I don't deserve to be happy. It's still there, it still tells me that sometimes. You know what though? I'm kicking its ass right now. I look at how far I've come in the past few years and I say "I have spent too long hating myself. I have spent too long trying to shove myself into boxes I don't belong in."

I am finally in a place in my life where I feel like happiness is within reach, and I'm going to keep reaching for it.

I am a lesbian. I am proud of that.

Part 6: Conclusions

I am gay as fuck for women

I love my girlfriend

You can evaluate your life at any time. It's never too late to figure out who you are.

Don't try to put yourself into a box you don't belong in to please other people

It took me 14 years to figure out what I actually wanted even though I already kinda knew. Be kind to yourself if it takes a while for you to figure it out. There's no rush

If you're here because you're questioning, I love you, you've got a friend in me, you are worthy of happiness and love, please don't settle for less

This post is brought to you by Mucinex & Sudafed brrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[hoakaikapo]

LABYRINTH - Clarisse La Rue x Fem! Daughter of Poseidon OC

A/N: “Labyrinth” will be available on Wattpad ONLY. i’ll upload a few snippets from it on here, but it’ll be on wattpad. (my username is the same). ALSO, please note that this book is heavily worked on and thus, my schedule for updating may not always be consistent. BUT, i will be releasing chapter 1 this saturday and 2-3 will be released next weekend.

MEET THE GIRLS:

Sienna Kaia Carpenter

- 16 years old

- Daughter of Poseidon (unclaimed) and a marine biologist

- Maōri descent (Kaia means “the sea” in the maōri language. This pays homage to her father).

- Bisexual

- Arrived to camp at 12-years-old

- Skills: Sword fighting, archery, healing (to everyone’s surprise), defense, team spirit, marine science (like mother and father)

- Fatal flaw: extreme loyalty (like Percy)

- Obtains many abilities that children of Poseidon inherit

- Likes Clarisse a lot, definitely flirts with her which kind of drives Clarisse insane sometimes

- Known as an extremely gentle, outspoken, patient, smart, understanding person

Clarisse La Rue

- 16 years old

- Daughter of Ares

- Lesbian

- Arrived at camp when she was 10-years-old

- Skills: Fighting, brute strength, athleticism, history nerd (but no one knows)

- Fatal flaw: excessive pride

- Has had a painful crush on Sienna since they first met

- Known for being ruthless and aggressive, but can be extremely gentle and patient (only around Sienna)

————————————————————————

“You pray to the gods with that mouth?”

“I certainly make out with you with it, don’t I?”

A/N: the first couple of chapters do have some … heated scenes 😉

(by that i mean 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩)

[nedlittle]

as someone who only just finished gideon the ninth last sunday & finally understands the hype & hasn't finished the other books, PLEASE release the 11 pages of notes

your wish is my command, here are my notes verbatim typed from my tiny notebook (typos notwithstanding. i fixed those so i don't look stupid)

ACT I

P. 29 - before the duel, Harrow presents herself “emptied like a quiver” prefiguring the necromancer/cavalier dynamic and the fact that they will grow to need each other. The king & lionheart of it all…

P. 54 - Gideon tells Harrow: “Your heart is a party for ten thousand nails.” and I SCREAMED 

P. 73: [paragraph describing Ianthe and Coronabeth in luxurious detail] “The boy just looked like a bit of a dick.” lesbianism

P. 76 - “He didn’t look healthy; he looked like a collection of lemons in a sack.” Why is this so evocative

SO funny that Harrow is like Griddle. You hog you need to do this correctly. Wear the damn face paint. And then it’s just a weird Ninth House thing. I love space Catholicism these bitches so deranged

Cannot read the “I pray the tomb stays locked forever. I pray the rock is never rolled away” prayer without it being to the tune of ‘No Children’

ACT II

P. 110 - “Coronabeth Tridentarius, Princess of Ida, took her hand and roguishly kissed the backs of Gideon’s knuckles.” I know there’s a whole essay on chivalry and gender on Tor but I guess I just want to say that there’s a really interesting subversion of the medieval lady/champion dynamic going on. Coronabeth kisses Gideon’s knuckles. Dulcinea has Gideon physically show off but Gideon, bound by her promise to Harrow, cannot talk and thus any typical structures for wooing are inverted. By her silence she is rendered as cool and unbreachable as a maiden in a tower

Something something Gideon’s physical body and her personhood always being someone else’s property.

All of Jeannemary’s dialogue with Magnus being parenthesized and in a smaller type is such a fun little touch

P. 125-6 - “[...] but she had fed her entire life into the meat grinder of hope.” Fuck me!

P. 128 - “She had never seen Harrowhark Nonagesimus’s naked face.” Harrow having to perform being Reverend Daughter not only her role but the entire house in the shape of a girl

[Angela Carter voice] a girl who is both death and the maiden

 P. 151 - “You could have died today.” "you could finish me right now, if you liked. You might even win."......hot.

Every single one of Gideon’s silly nicknames for Harrow is perfect.

P. 152 - “She smiled again–slower than before, just as terrible, just as strange.” Okay Galadriel

P. 161 has the first time Gideon calls Harrow by her first name. By the end of the act it will be three times. Harrow has yet to say hers.

“P. 163 - “You can control my body. You can read my thoughts.” I believe this is what the kids call foreshadowing for book 2

Also on that page: “But first, Griddle, I’m afraid I have to pass out.” I love her.

Verbatim annotation from p. 167: ‘SHE’S NEVER HAD A DESERT :(‘ 

I know that they’re not friends but [John Darnielle voice]: people say friends don’t destroy each other what do they know about friends

Ianthe’s “I don’t live alternative histories” god I am so excited for her to be awful

The dynamic kind of reminds me of Sweet Smell of Success (1957) which features a similarly nasty yet reliant dynamic but it ends Far Worse. Very much we need each other to be a cohesive whole but that doesn’t mean we have to be nice

IT WAS THEIR ANNIVERSARY!!! NO

ACT III

I will be surprised if Dulcinea survives and also does not end up being marginally evil.

Not to sound like it’s 2014 and I just discovered all-female casts but I’m really into both the 2nd and 9th being the only ones with both necro + cav being women. I know it’s a basic thing and that there isn’t

a ton about the Second House yet but having the representatives of “The Emperor’s Strength” both be girls…nice

Naberius die challenge!

P. 200 - “He wouldn’t have let anything happen to Abigail [...] She hated heights. She never would have risked falling.” I am howling like a shot wolf.

First of all, Gideon being affected by Magnus’s death because he was nice to her without any ulterior motives: OUCH. Second, “we are all the sons and daughters that the House of the Ninth possess.” The Twelfth Night of it all…the performance of it all. (“I am all the daughters of my father’s house and all the brothers too.” 2.4)

The Harrow who lives in my head has a mullet

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL I EVER DESIRE YOUR JUICE

The First time Harrow calls Gideon by her name is p. 228

The choice of ‘spawned’ to refer to Harrow’s birth feels deliberate and I’m sure I’ll find out why later. Also the Scandalous Nudity being her face rather than her body when they’re both bare…it’s about living around and under the foot of someone your whole life but never being allowed to know them

P. 234 - Gideon can’t even say Harrow’s name aloud to anyone else…I wish to die! Swiftly!

P. 246 - Gideon has a hot bath for the first time (yay!) and wonders “whether water could get inside of you and make you sick.” God the Ninth House really is living in Vampire Times. Aristotle, you there?

The way all the different houses approach necromancy and the necro/cav dynamic is SO interesting! Cam’s line on p. 235 about the Eight “breed[ing] batteries” absolutely chilled me. Also the juxtaposition between the Eighth using cavaliers as an energy source vs Ianthe, absolute freak, taking a chunk out of Babs. The physical body vs the energy which propels it. Then contrasting that with pairs like Magnus & Abigail (rip) and Cam & Pal who mentally and emotionally rely on each other instead. It isn’t parasitic. KING AND LIONHEART! GO CRAZY AAH! GO STUPID AAH!

I am using all of my meager brain cells to formulate a thought about Camilla and Marta’s fight that isn’t just. wrow. women. OK. The description is short and brutal like the fight itself. The line about Cam fighting like a grease fire works so well my blood was in my EARS! When she dislocated Marta’s arm my own arm jerked back in shock. Fully almost yeeted the book

Yay for Pal also getting a hot moment. One man <3

“Harrow “rose to the occasion like an evening star”....DEATH FIRST TO VULTURES AND SCAVENGERS…I love her something awful. 

My highlighter ran out on p. 275 because I highlighted basically the whole page. The girls HUG!! Gideon lifts Harrow off the ground! Unsure if I should tag myself as ‘midnight hagette’ or Harrow’s utter lesbian brain death. At “It feels like forever” I genuinely screamed into my hands. God they’re it. THEY’RE IT.

P. 284 - “Gideon wanted her longsword and she wanted Harrow.” yeah me too

P. 285 - Jeannemary: “I hated [Isaac] when we were little, he wasn’t at all what I wanted.” ough the parallels

I know that naming a character ‘Isaac’ in your space opera about traumatized Catholics is sort of like naming a character ‘sacrifice’ and yet it’s still so gut wrenching! I love and I hate when characters fall victim to the prophecies within their names

Speaking of Biblical etymology, I see you Judith Deuteros. Please decapitate a dude

I knew about the Sex Pal joke and still guffawed

CHAPTERS 26-34

The description of Isaac’s body as a “broken sieve” really upset me and also harkens back to Harrow being empty as a quiver. The necromancer’s body as something which exists to be filled by energy and power, but also something so vulnerable as to demand the physical protection and occasional energy of its cavalier

P. 292 - “When [Dulcinea] breathed it sounded like custard sloshing around an air conditioner.” Absolutely Fucking Wretched!!!

P. 294 - “Mostly cancer and just a little bit of women.” each House really is fucked up in new and exciting ways

Gideon’s nightmare of finding Jeannemary’s severed limbs in her bed really kneecaps you. It’s giving Bluebeard. It’s giving Robber Bridegroom. It’s giving cavaliers as expendable physical forms, and that kind of body horror hasn’t quite been present aside from the avulsion room which wasn’t so bad

P. 331 - “What would you do if you discovered Camilla was a murderer?” "Help her bury the body." G O D

This entire page kills me. For some reason the one year difference and the choice to say “I’ve known her as long as she’s lived” like Harrow’s life is contingent on Gideon’s. One flesh one end B I T C H ! !

Also on that page: “She nearly killed me half a dozen times growing up, but I always knew why.” ok cool!

WAS NOT READY FOR THIS REVELATION???

I have run out of insightful commentary but Harrow wanting “prey, rival, and audience all wrapped up in one.” vs Gideon being “hungry for the Reverend Daughter’s preoccupation”. Don’t you think they’re the same thing? Love and attention? They’re both watching and being watched. Portrait of a Lady on Fire shit

I think Harrow and Cam should hold hands if only because they’d both hate it

Tamsyn loves a prophetic name. I thought she’d subverted it with Protisilaus but nope. Dead all along. First to die

Ianthe’s head pun…what is wrong with her

P. 352 - genuinely don’t have anything of substance to say about the pool scene but “I am exactly two hundred sons and daughters of my House, Griddle–I am the whole generation of the Ninth.” All this PLUS Harrow piloting her parents to keep the Ninth functioning. Christ.

P. 355 - “I am tired of being two hundred corpses.” ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

Incredibly normal that Harrow’s parents were like hello our ten-year-old war crime daughter time for our group suicide! Here, I’ll tie your noose :) normal family!

I haven’t quite the familiarity with Antigone to say there’s an Antigone parallel somewhere but hmm

Cannot talk about the rest of this scene. I can barely look at it. YOU ARE MY ONLY FRIEND! I AM UNDONE WITHOUT YOU!! 

Oh to have your only friend Gideon Nav kiss you on the forehead

I love you 4’11” teenage saint war crime necrophiliac 

Gideon choosing to sleep in the cavalier bed. It’s about devotion as both a contract and an active choice. ‘I Will Follow You Into the Dark’ shit. I’m sick

P. 371 - “Dead as space, though accurately, that’s been true for a very, very long time.” I know this refers to Teacher but also stars themselves transmit light for millennia after they burn out. The cosmos itself as a haunted house

Why does the Emperor have a cohort anyway? What enemies are there that an army is necessary to grind children through? I need to know more about this

Cannot articulate this but Ianthe having to be a true necromancer and eating Babs to become a lyctor IS feminist not just because it’s such an overcome male power trip moment but also because it seems that In Media we can only have female villains if they’re tormented and redeemed by the end, they aren’t allowed to be deranged little freaks like this. She’s the damn joker!

REST IN PISS BABS. Again, genuinely progressive that Ianthe eats him and absorbs his perfect cavalier training; then, when she cannot keep it up she turns into a SKIN SHIELD?? [John Darnielle voice] come unhinged! Get revenge!

You’re really eased into the body horror and then Act IV is like hey kid you’re going to experience body horrors beyond your comprehension.

CHAPTERS 35-END 

Thinking about 8-year-old Palamedes writing to 15-year-old Dulcinea about how he’s determined to cure her. Also interesting to think that something so mundane as cancer still exists in this world where people are regularly getting bodied by skeletons

Oh, re: Pal, I forgot to highlight this but there’s a line a few (?) chapters back where he surveys his work and sees that it’s good which is directly from god creating the universe

P. 400 - “[Gideon’s] brain was full of sweet fuck all.” yeah girl me too

Every single man in this book has died. Feminism but also Palamedes my friend :(

“Tell Camilla–oh never mind, she knows what to do.” Doctor Who vibes (sorry) “If you see Rose, tell her…tell her…oh, she knows.”

P. 406 - “Camilla Hect off the leash was like light moving across water. She punched her knives into the Lyctor’s guard over and over and over. Cytherea met them ably, but such was Camilla’s speed and perfect hate that she could only hope to block the thunderstorm of blows; she could not even begin to push back against them.” The wording here feels so deliberately Homeric! It’s her aristeia!

It doesn’t mention this in the after matter, but I am choosing to believe Cam was named after Camilla in the Aeneid. She HAS to be!!

I understand why people scream at Marvel movies now but the more apt comparison for Gideon & her two-hander is the re-forging of Anduril. I can hear the score

P. 412 - “I need to be inside you.” NOW IS NOT THE TIME HARROW!!

P. 414 - “Did you behold me, Griddle?” she got yeeted by a vertebrae string because she was too busy beholding you, Harrow!

Rosary-whip made of knuckles. What a great time to be ex-Catholic. This is so hot of her

Camilla Hect aroace icon. Send tweet.

A climactic boss fight where all 5 characters are women…wrow

FUCK YEAH DISMEMBERMENT!!

P. 429 - “All you have to do is live.” Harrow begging Gideon to do the one thing she thought was impossible as a child

Oh these bitches in LOVE

I love “undeserved” forgiveness

[holds Harrowhark Nonagesimus] you do not have to be good you do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves

I’m sorry I have zero thoughts I’m just saying ROMANCE ROMANCE ROMANCE ROMANCE ROMANCE ROMANCE over and over and over again in my head

“First flower of my House” is the most romantic shit I’ve ever heard get it OUT of my face. That is not something you come up with on the spot…

The cruelest thing anyone has ever done to Harrow in her life is willingly die for her…

P. 436 - “They were cheek to cheek: Gideon’s arm and Harrow’s arm entwined, holding the sword aloft, letting the steel catch the light.” No THIS is the most romantic shit

Harrow/Pal lavender marriage of the century lmao

Gideon & Harrow 🤝 Gimli & Legolas

Quoting the verses of the Book of Ruth that’s commonly used at weddings

Hey at least I successfully guessed that Dulcinea would be evil & dead by the end. I love being right

IN SUMMARY: DEATH DYING SUFFERING ROMANCE PAIN

[rucow]

ok here's my interpretation of the phantom, specifically female phantom bc im a lesbian and i crave more women characters in fiction who have actual depth and are a bit unhinged :'D

(please keep in mind that i haven't read the book yet and that my way of seeing her is based mostly on my own imagination and also me projecting very hard on her😭)

putting this under a read more bc its Long long

first, here is my art of fem!phantom ! and one more art of her

to begin, i headcanon the phantom to be named erica with a c, like the flower that grows in harsh conditions and that's very enduring and requires little water to thrive. i think it suits her! please look up "erica flower" and see for yourself :)

i think 35 is a good age for her, the same age as how long the broadway poto has been running for before closing :')

let's talk about her early life. she was born to a loving mother somewhere in eastern europe (modern day romania perhaps 👉👈), and her appearance was indeed unique but not disfigured. she was born with a birth mark of sorts that affected half of her face and her hair as well, causing strands of her black hair to lack pigment and appear as white (im thinking maybe vitiligo? idk exactly but the point is she looked Unique). she has grey eyes. besides that, as an infant she had a very quiet and calm personality as well, not really crying loudly like most babies do and often staring deeply at people, appearing "creepy" to them. (hint: she was just autistic)

erica's mother loved her. she thought these traits made her special and beautiful, not strange or unsettling. her mother would sing to little erica every day and night, but thats something erica doesn't remember, because her mother died far too soon (i like to keep the cause of death vague) and so little infant erica ended up in an orphanage.

now, the caretakers in the orphanage saw these unique traits of hers differently than her mother did. where erica's mother saw beauty and something special, these people saw Evil and Wrong. they thought they could pray away erica's "affliction" and "cure" her, both her appearance and her quiet reserved odd personality.

she was only about one year old when one of the orphanage caretakers tried a new way of "curing" erica via pouring acid on her little face. the acid dripped onto her neck as well. erica doesn't know this is what caused her scarring. as far as she knows, she has always looked the way she does. she thinks she was born this way, that she was doomed in some way, and sadly she will never know the truth: that this was Done to her

erica spent her first years of life in bandages and healing. even after she had healed, the orphanage caretakers kept her bandages on because they didn't like to See her. they didn't want to acknowledge what they'd done, so they kept her hidden and covered up and pretended her skin would be fine under the bandages.

(this is based on the 2004 film) the travelling fair. members would occasionally visit orphanages and other institutions while pretending to be interested in adopting, when in reality they were interested only in finding children they could exploit. when they saw little erica, who was still only a few years old, they knew they could make money off of her. the orphanage's caretakers were most relieved to be rid of her.

and then we all know what happened, and how a young madame giry took young erica and brought her to the opera and kept her safe and hidden. but erica was deeply traumatised and acted purely on instinct, she was completely nonverbal and nonresponsive. to this day, erica and madame giry still don't speak; their agreements are speechless and they both prefer it that way. erica is very uncomfortable acknowledging her past, so she secretly appreciates madame giry for not prying despite the fact that she witnessed little erica Murdering a whole grown man (again, she acted purely on instinct, she was protecting herself)

the opera was all she's ever known, and she has watched singers and managers and dancers come and go, while she remained. art and drama are all she's ever known. she's never felt the breeze in her hair or the sun on her face. she has access to the opera's roof, but she only goes there at nighttime when she can't be seen, and only on extremely rare occasions. art is her only escape and her only outlet. she doesn't just create music, she also paints, and she can sculpt if she has the materials for it. she creates any and all art

erica is incredibly smart as well, and has a vast knowledge on many topics despite lacking any form of education. she learned to read by watching the operas, because sometimes there would be signs and written words on the props. she paid close attention to any and all information she could get, and there were a lot of old things stored down there beneath the opera house that helped her learn and discover new things. but even so, her knowledge of the real world is incredibly limited. she has no idea what the sea sounds like, or what mountain air smells like

having so little to do, she focused her attention on the operas and on studying them, seeing what could be improved and thinking of how to make them come to life. she found most of the singers and dancers lacking, she felt no one really understood the passion required to make a performance feel alive. but that is probably because the performances were just a job to most of those people, while for erica it was her entire lifestyle. at the end of the day, the performers and managers and whatnot would go home to their families and see to their lives, while erica can never leave the opera house. she's fixated on every aspect of it, from the music to the choreography to the management... she constantly sees things that could be improved, and that leads me to my next point.

she started disguising as the phantom in order to help bring her vision to life, by communicating what she wants changed in the operas. of course, her social skills are lacking, so she puts on an act when interacting with anyone, and she doesn't let herself be seen. acting is the only way she knows how to approach another human, so adopting the role of a phantom wasn't hard for her. its easier to be the villain than to be herself. she is, in both literal and autistic terms, masking. she also sees how women are treated, and how they're not taken as seriously as men, so she dresses herself as a man and uses her naturally deeper and lower voice to seem as one. she's also very tall, which really helps on the rare occasion that she's spotted, though it's usually only her shadow that gets seen

now, christine. erica pretending to be christine's father/angel. again, she did this because its easier for her to play a role than to be herself. she knows that no one would accept her for her true self. she doesn't even really know herself, she's never had the chance to discover herself.. what she's like when she's laughing with friends, or how she acts when caring for a pet or child.. she doesn't know herself at all, all she knows is her work, her passion, her escape: music, art, acting. dreaming.

at first, erica did use christine as a way of making her dreams come to life. she can't perform herself, both because of her appearance and because her voice doesn't allow her to sing as a soprano. so she sees christine, alone and aimless, and begins refining her talent. erica never realises how intensely she feels for christine until raoul comes into play. she's possessive, not really in a romantic sense, but because christine is all she has. christine is the only person who willingly meets with her and listens to her, even though she doesn't know her true identity

seeing christine face to face and in the flesh is what really awoke feelings in erica though, and what made her want to have christine to herself, though she doesn't know how to go about it other than pretending to be something that christine can find trustworthy and desirable (again, the whole masquerading as an angel thing). but erica tries, she tries to drop the façade and be herself. she tries to ask christine to trust and accept her, but you can imagine how difficult and terrifying it must be to be that vulnerable with someone for the first time in your life.

when the unmasking happens, erica basically goes into full panic mode, and can't regain her composure. she doesn't know that christine's intention wasn't bad, but she's truly deeply traumatised and acted on instinct once again, which caused her to lash out at christine as a form of defense. she was really really scared in that moment, and once she became rational again she felt immensely guilty for lashing out at christine and for frightening her :')

she pretty much hates raoul. because he's what she can't be: a safe presence for christine, someone she can feel protected by, someone who can OFFER her a life of freedom and warmth. someone who can be seen in public with her, someone who wont ruin her reputation. erica has nothing to offer but her creations, her music, her hidden passions. she hates raoul because she can't be him. because she can't compete with him. she feels this way about most men, its just that raoul just so happens to be the man that christine is closest to

the murder of buquet. erica had always despised him, for obvious reasons. he reminded her of the men at the travelling fair, with the way he would describe her just for shock factor, and she didn't know how to process that. he was always watching the dancers too closely. his death was a perfect way of showing that she should be taken seriously and that her demands should be met. his death also meant the death of any memory of her past. also, he saw her. she couldn't let him live anyway

the masquerade! don juan triumphant was basically erica's vent art/music (she needs healthier coping mechanisms /lh). erica declaring herself christine's teacher in front of all to see...a cruel act which served to humiliate christine and force her into being associated with her. with the phantom. a complete parallel to christine and raoul's secret engagement........

erica's SINGING. it's just as unique as the rest of her, each word she sings is filled with emotion and passion and meaning. she sings low, and her voice can be soft and forcefully powerful in the same breath. she sounds unearthly, especially since she has no training herself yet she knows how to express herself through song. if only she knew how lovely she sounds,,,,,

performing the point of no return with christine on stage was the highlight of erica's life. she had abandoned all fear and showed herself in public, in front of all to see, JUST to be with christine and to show christine her heart. yes, she knocked piangi out (she didnt quite kill him, because shes Not a mindless murderer) to steal his role, and she doesn't regret it. singing with christine is erica's favourite activity and she wants the whole world to see how well they complement each other. madame giry nearly had a heart attack when she saw erica on stage

erica didn't see it as herself kidnapping christine. in her mind she Had to do this, because it was the only way to make christine understand her and force her to SEE how she feels for her..... and she never intended on killing raoul. would she take her frustrations out on him and brawl with him and choke him and whatnot? yes. would she kill him? no. she can't do that to christine. but it Did feel good to fight him. fighting for her life is all she's known after all

erica was so desperate to show christine her heart that she was willing to say and do anything, and her making christine choose between raoul and herself was her last desperate attempt. though inside she knew christine can't choose and that it isn't fair to force her to do it. when christine kissed her, and comforted her, and told her shes not alone, it was like the heaviest stone was lifted from erica's heart. she snapped out of her desperation and let christine go, because she truly wants to see her happy and safe, even if with someone else. erica had always known she doesn't stand a chance, she knew she can't win christine over, but she dreamt of it anyway. and if she spent less time trying to manipulate christine, she would've seen that christine was always willing to know her and to be with her

also, for any astrology nerds out there: i hc the phantom to be a pisces (with a scorpio moon and capricorn rising) :') basically i made her be an emotional wreck who gets Very obsessive about her passions. art flows through her

that is all :) im sane about her (not true)

[chirhos]

Hi chirhos, I've been really enjoying your blog. This is somewhat asking for advice and somewhat a prayer request (apologies for thrusting this on a stranger on the internet,but I really don't know any other gay Christians irl...). I have been struggling so much with my feelings of guilt for being a lesbian, and also with a constant worry that I am just being lustful for experiencing sexual attraction, same-sex at that. Things like sex and masturbation have been so guilt addled for me as a former Catholic. Sometimes the grief and guilt is so much I can barely stand it. I really would appreciate any prayers for finding peace...not only for me, but for others. I can't imagine that I'm the only one struggling in this arena.

Anon, you are absolutely not the only one struggling here and there is no need for you to apologize. I (and every other gay Christian I know) struggle with all kinds of guilt around our same sex attraction. Being a lesbian just compounds that, as we're not only gay but also women, and further shamed for our sexuality.

As for the advice: surround yourself with lesbian content. Read books about lesbians, watch movies and TV shows with lesbians in them, listen to music and podcasts made by lesbians. (If you want recommendations for any of this, let me know and I can help you out!) Make lesbian (and LGBT+) friends, both online and in real life. When I was first realizing that I was gay, this helped me so much in reinforcing that same-sex attraction is not shameful, it is natural, normal and good. Being a lesbian is not something bad: it's something to be celebrated! It's not just okay that you're gay, it's wonderful.

On the more religious side of things, see if you can go to an explicitly affirming church (if this is something you are interested in doing - there is also no shame AT ALL in taking a step back from a religion that has harmed you, please take care of yourself!). I've found that ChurchClarity is a good resource for finding affirming churches near you, or sometimes the more explicitly and outwardly affirming churches will fly pride flags or state on their websites that they welcome and affirm LGBT Christians. You could also look for LGBT Christian groups near you. These should be available in a lot of larger cities or university towns - where I go to school, the Catholic church has a meeting for LGBT Christians of all denominations once a week. You can start by googling "lgbt christian groups in [your city/town]".

As for the prayer request, I will be praying for you and every other person in your situation. I will ask everyone who sees this to join me.

Sending you so much love, anon! God made you the way you are and He delights in His creation. You are not alone. I know how absolutely soul-crushing your predicament can be, but there are so many of us just like you and I promise that it won't always feel like this. If you'd like to talk more about this or anything else please feel free to message me or send more asks❤

[queer-triple-a]

A Catholic Transition

Introduction

Hello!

Before I say anything else, I need to tell you that today’s story deals so so much with religion. Specifically, it deals with Catholicism. 

I found this story mostly by accident. I didn’t realize the writer was actually living in a convent when she started this journal until I had already read the first translated entry. I could see that it was a very religious person and was already writing it off as something I didn’t even need to finish. 

Then it got Queer. 

So I’m sharing this story with the major asterisk that this character is Catholic and talks A LOT about Catholicism. This includes many direct bible quotes. 

(See endnotes for information about King James, of the King James Bible)

(And a link to information about lesbian nuns and gay priests)

My publishing of this story is not an endorsement of the Catholic Church. It is meant to show another way a queer person has existed in history. This person's religious journey is entangled with their queer journey. 

If reading something with multiple bible quotes by a person who belongs to the Catholic church is not for you, then please take care of yourself and skip this one. No judgment from me. 

That being said, if you do choose to read this, I hope you find something meaningful in these journals.

(Oh, also, this journal is from sometime in the mid 1400s and was translated from Italian. The bible verses were in Latin. They used the New International Version translation of the bible. And because the numbers on the psalms didn’t match up and I got confused, It turns out psalm numbers shifted by one at one point. So the translated psalms use modern numbers, but the original text does not.)

Content Warnings: 

Catholicism

Direct Bible Quotes

Authors Note link

Link to this story on my site 

Journal

Psalm 139 1 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. 5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Oh gracious and everloving God My every thought is subject to your knowledge You know the struggles which I hold my heart You hear the prayers I say in privacy Desires which pass from my lips are known by you before I take breath

What I know of my heart, you must also know. I pray for respite from this powerful wisdom I long to unknow my soul For it is not that of a brother, but a sister

I have said my prayers Yet, my knowledge remains steadfast and firm Are my prayers to be unanswered? The Son says what we ask shall be received? I ask for this knowledge to be taken from me I pray my soul becomes as my brothers Again and again I lift my voice in words you hear. I hurt, and you know my pain.

As the persistent widow of the Gospel of Luke, I shall persist I pray again for relief from pain or clarity of your path and your divine design Amen

[The first page of this image is included below. The second page is translated in the next section. This was done in order to distinguish different entries in the journal]

Psalm 13913 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

In a new day, I feel your love Your answer to my prayers and my turmoil

Oh Lord, you who made me as I am You knew me before my first breath As I was created in her womb Crafted carefully by your hands My mother knew not if I was son or daughter

But you knew even then Oh all knowing and ever loving God, If my self was not hidden from your sight as my mother carried me Then you, who made my body and knew my soul, Made me as I am.

The poor match of body and soul May therefore be by your design. For I am made in your image I am made by your hands You formed this path before me

You are the God of Hope If my path is that of a Brother I feel no hope

I recall Psalm 16 11 You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

If my path is that of a brother There is no fullness of Joy

I trust your word, Oh Lord Through prayer and meditation I begin to see my path

A Sister in Christ. A life devoted to God the Father. My prayers from the lips of a woman. I shall be myself to others As you have always known me.

Oh gracious, all-knowing God Who formed me and knows me I ask of you the fortitude to see myself fully You are the way and the truth, oh God I pray that you might guide me along this path I have been lost in myself Let this new sight not blind me to your will In Jesus name, I pray Amen

[The translation below only includes the second page of the above image.]

[ The first page of this image is included below. The second page is translated in the next section. This was done in order to distinguish different entries in the journal.]

Psalm 28 6 “Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. 7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy and with my song I praise him.”

My Lord, I pray I understand the way you’ve set before me. It is by your will and in accordance with my prayers that I shall move to the Monastery of Saint Marinos. You have opened a path for a brother of my monastery to join their religious community. Though it is expected that a brother lost will be a brother gained, I know the rumors The records there are not well kept. I now see it may have been your plan that I should hear stories of Brothers who ran unnoticed of Sisters who appeared unannounced. Surely this is the path I must take if I want to serve my Lord as a woman. Surely this is the path I must take if I want to serve my Lord as myself. If it is not the way you’d have me take, please guide Brother Edwy to choose another for this movement. I have pledged you my obedience. No matter the personal cost or reward, I shall obey thy will. As your one and only Son said on the eve of his death, “Let not my will, but Yours be done” In his name I pray, Amen

[The translation below only includes the second page of the above image.]

[The first page of this image is included below. The second page is translated in the next section. This was done in order to distinguish different entries in the journal.]

Psalm 66 1 Shout for joy to God, all the earth! 2 Sing the glory of his name; make his praise glorious.

19 But surely God has listened to and has heard my prayer. 20 Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!

My Lord, I praise you and thank you. My mind is filled with the bountiful answer to my prayers I have found it a spiritual challenge to kneel in prayer for anything but gratitude to you my Lord I sing Thanks Be To God! For I was welcomed into this new convent with grace and kindness. There is no doubt in who I am. I give you thanks that those who believe in your truth believe in mine as well. My truth, as Sister Agnus, is now aligned with your path - your truth for me I exalt your guidance, which brought me here.

It is through trust in you that I complete my days. I was not trained in a convent - but a monastery. There are rituals which overlap, but there are differences as well. In these moments, I turn to you, and you answer me.

You guide me through the dark and into the brilliant sunlight. I thank you Lord, with all that I am, I thank You Amen

[The translation below only includes the second page of the above image.]

[The first page of this image is included below. The second page is translated in the next section. This was done in order to distinguish different entries in the journal.]

I have begun to study the stories of your daughters Oh Lord In my research, I find sisterhood I see beyond my desire to be as they are - A want which I only now know how to name - I see myself and my story in these women

1 Samuel 1 26 and she said to him, “Pardon me, my lord. As surely as you live, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the Lord. 27 I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. 28 So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there.”

As Hannah before me, I prayed We prayed to you through doubt A private mantra - a conversation between ourselves and our God Hannah Prayed for a child In her dedicated piety she promised the bounty of her prayer to you I, too, offer what I received from prayer Myself - as I am - has been dedicated to you

As your ancestor Ruth I left my home With uncertain future I set my sights on a relationship with god Ruth received in you a family, I received the same: a Sisterhood

As the women of the bible, I give you my all In your name I pray Amen

[The translation below only includes the second page of the above image.]

God bless me with strength and peace Brother Edwy shall visit tomorrow I pray for your grace and guidance if he should recognize me. Please grant my brother in Christ your sight and your wisdom. If it happens that he sees me Let him see my faith and joy as Sister Agnus Let him have the wisdom to recognize Sister Agnus as the servant of God he has known before. Let him see me and know me as you do In Jesus name I pray Amen

My memory of the blessing said over me by Brother Edwy

I bless you in the name of The Father The Son The Holy Ghost The Blessed Trinity of Identity God in Three Persons

Lord I did not know the plans you held for Brother Linus when he left the monastery Nor do I know now what the future holds for Sister Aguns I put my faith in you to guide her forward

Our shared vocation is built upon a shared personal relationship with the Lord And supported by a community of God’s children united in one faith, one purpose I shall neither question the strength of my sisters devotion nor the community she has made her home For she is your child and is made righteous in her service unto you

Sister Agnus is a vessel for your good works, Oh God. Bring her your peace as she walks the path you have laid before her In your name, I bless her, May your peace and love be with her always, Amen

Psalm 62 1 Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. 2 Truly he is my rock and my salvation’ he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

My soul is filled with the peace and love of God

Outroduction

As promised, here are some tangents about the queer history of Catholicism.

information about King James

Podcast episode about Lesbian Nuns and Gay Priests

To those who skipped to the end notes, your choices are valid, and so are you. I hope to see you next time. I promise it won’t be more religion. 

To those who didn’t skip, thank you for reading this story. Despite its messy context, I think it’s still valuable that this story is shared. I hope you agree. 

Queer people are everywhere, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Chrys

[ofsugarandsecrets]

A Pontifex's Pondering

Okay, so, if I'm being honest, I made this blog pretty much exclusively so I could post my itty bitty Sweet Religion fic and possibly a couple of my other A Crown of Candy musings someplace that wasn't on main. There's pretty much nothing worth warning for here, other than a lot of repressed gay longing and some canon-compliant character death. I am not expecting notes, I just wanna contribute to this teeny tiny fandom. Please enjoy the sad food lesbians.

I used to dream of Saint Citrina. I would lay myself down to sleep, and I’d dream of taking off her veil and bringing her near. And we would sin together, and it was wonderful. I always awoke feeling filthy. I would go into the bath-house and cleanse myself to be purged of that feeling, that covetousness that ran deeper than words, but only in the scrupulous light of the Bulb did that last. When night came again, it would return to stain my soul. 

I saw her without her veil in the waking world only twice. The first time was at confession. It was a typical thing for her to go to the nearest bishop or archbishop and bare her soul to them. Not mandatory for most, but mandatory in her eyes. There was something of her old pagan devotion in the way she went through that ritual, prostrating herself and waiting to hear that her sins were forgiven. It was difficult, terribly difficult, for me to proclaim that forgiveness. Not because I believed her beyond redemption, but because I believed myself unworthy to forgive. 

The night after her confessional, I dreamt of her again. I awoke with my heart beating against my ribcage. I knew then that no amount of bathing would wash away this corruption, this pollution deep within me. Because I will tell you something. The Bulb-light did not protect me at confession. When I saw her before me, veil-less, kneeling, my terrible desires grew stronger than ever. I set a hand upon her head, ran my fingers through her sugar-spun hair. That was not part of the ritual. She knew it, and I knew it, but neither of us said a word. Did she fear me, or did I fear her? It did not matter. It has never mattered. 

Half-dressed and dazed, I ran into the chapel and fell down before the altar. I did not pray so much as I begged, begged for this blight to be lifted from me. I wept. I had never wept before, not so wholeheartedly as this. She had left her shawl behind. I returned it. I confess, I didn’t want to return it. I didn't love her, not really. Love wants for nothing, so the holy book says, and I wanted her. More than I wanted anything. 

The next time I saw her bared before me, ten bitter, bloody years had passed. She approached me, not as a penitent, but as a princess, one eager to protect her people. She was a vision. It drove me mad. I said some things that I regretted shortly after the fact. I do not regret them now. I said all I could have said. I was young. Too young to understand the burdens on both of our shoulders. We would have come to blows, had she not been too temperate to strike me and I too paralyzed by my own fearful feelings to strike her.

I made a decision that night. I could no longer be tormented by this. This loss of control over my own self would be disastrous. I must end it or die trying. 

I made her an offer. Leave Castle Candy and follow me as I ascended the church’s ranks, or burn with the rest of the heretics. It was a cruel offer. I knew that then, and I know that now, but I made the offer anyway, because in my eyes it was my only choice. She chose death. I brought death. The dreams did not end. My pain did not end. I killed her for nothing. 

[bigbumder96]

account introduction thing!!!??

ngl i feel a bit goofy doing this🙁forgive me if this is weird, im used to getting attacked on tiktok for literally nothing (i rarely use tumblr)

general:

name: darcie

age: im a minor😭

gender: girl (she/her :3 )

sexuality: lesbian

from/live in: england

interests:

tv shows:

- the inbetweeners

- white gold

- station 19 (still have to catch up on the latest episode lmao

- 9-1-1 (also still have to catch up one episode😭)

- fresh meat

- ted lasso

- heartbreak high (not that anyone asked but ant is my fav im praying they explore his character a bit more in season three)

- friday night dinner

- this country

- call the midwife

- ackley bridge

- baby reindeer (i wouldnt exactly call it an interest, but i watched this show last week😭)

- phoenix rise

- moment of eighteen (a k-drama btw!!)

- move to heaven (also a k-drama!!)

- there she goes

- benidorm

- skins (only gen 2 tho im afraid😞)

- the inBESTigators (dont judge lmfao😭😭😭)

- little lunch (i cant theyre js both such good shows)

- dodo (a cartoon)

- taskmaster (only season eight tho for the icon joe thomas‼️)

im currently watching derry girls atm !!

films:

- the shawshank redemption

- the green mile

- goodbye charlie bright (my absolute fav omg)

- the business

- the football factory (theyre making the sequel to this at my school im so happy i love nick love films😍i didnt see nick love himself tho💔)

- good will hunting

- bohemian rhapsody

- dead mans shoes

- ferris buellers day off

- harry brown

- little miss sunshine

- the inbetweeners movie

- the inbetweeners 2

- white chicks

- the basketball diaries

- mid90s

- spiderman: into the spider-verse

- spiderman: across the spider-verse

music:

- alex g (fav song: too many to put here, but if i had to pick then prolly the whole race, trick, and rules album😭)

- tv girl (fav song: better in the dark, louise, and daughter of a cop)

- the fratellis (fav song: i honestly dk, i havent gotten that much into them yet😣i js listened to one of their albums and played fifa)

- the killers (fav song: read my mind and andy youre a star)

- the smiths (fav song: girl afraid, bigmouth strikes again, and this night has opened my eyes. guys i swr i liked them songs before they got popular im acc rly annoyed at the tiktofication of bigmouth strikes again and this night has opened my eyes😣)

- queen (fav song: spread your wings and long away)

- the stone roses (fav song: i wanna be adored and made of stone. basic i know😣😣)

- the jam (fav song: down in the tube station at midnight and man in the corner shop)

- oasis (live forever. icba to type ‘fav song’ anymore😭)

- mac the knife (here to stay)

- mitski (why didnt you stop me, goodbye my danish sweetheart, me and my husband, your best american girl, once more to see you, etcetera…)

extras:

- im into football and i am a big arsenal fan !!!! my fav player is def martin ødegaard, and i may or may not be one of those deluded emile smith-rowe fans who think that hes gonna have a huge comeback and be like he was two seasons ago🤫🤫🤫

- i like webtoons! my fav is jacksons diary, closely followed by crystal city killers😱

- in year seven my drama teacher made us watch a play (on the screen, not irl) called slowtime but we didnt get to finish it💔my teacher spoiled the ending but i didnt care and tracked down the rest of that video bcs slowtime is such a good play i love everything abt it😍

- last year i was obsessed with this book series called football academy (written by tom palmer) and it was genuinely so good but there was nobody myp age cuz it was for kids💔i dont rly read them anymore, but the interest is still there if someone by chance has read them please contact me and have a conversation with me about it🙏🙏🙏

i apologise as this was very long, and i probably wont even post that much😭 sorry for the yapping tho🙏🙏🙏

[superpowerprayer]

Ex-Lesbian Testimony

270,952 views  Jan 14, 2015

Worldwide Revival. Please Pray For. Dedicate and Rededicate your life to the Lord Jesus Christ.

FATHER I BELIEVE THAT YOU SENT YOUR SON JESUS CHRIST TO DIE ON THE CROSS FOR MY SINS. I BELIEVE THAT HE DIED, AND WAS RESURRECTED, AND IS COMING BACK TO JUDGE THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. FATHER, I REPENT.FORGIVE ME OF ALL MY SINS. COME INTO MY HEART AND MAKE ME YOUR CHILD. IN THE NAME OF YOUR SON JESUS CHRIST. Thank you for saving my soul. AMEN\

Neville Johnon / The Academy of Light  / Prophecy https://www.youtube.com/playlist...

Sadhu Sundar Selvaraj / Prophecy / Angel TV     https://www.youtube.com/playlist...

Dr Bruce Allen / School of Translation / Prophecy https://www.youtube.com/playlist...

Steven Francis / Jesus My King Church / End Times Remnant https://www.youtube.com/playlist...

Prophet Michael Van Vlymen / School of Translation https://www.youtube.com/playlist...

Trey Smith / Bible History / Prophecy Movies https://www.youtube.com/playlist...

War Room Prayers / Take Control of Your Life https://youtube.com/playlist...

Speaking in Unknown Tongues  / What does it Do? //  Sadhu Sundar Selvaraj   https://www.youtube.com/playlist...

Worship Worship Worship Praise Music / Shekinah Worship Center https://www.youtube.com/playlist...

Worldwide Revival. Please Pray For

Heavenly Father in the Mighty name of Jesus Christ Destroy  every Demonic plot against  Me, My Family, My Church, My  City, and My Country. In Jesus name In Jesus name In Jesus name Satan, Lucifer, Every Demon, All Witch Craft, Sorcery, Every Principality, All Spiritual wickedness in High places, Prince of the Power of the air, Dominions, every Unclean Spirit, every Infirmity, Chief Prince, all Generals, all Captains, all Centurions, every Watchmen, Principalities and every other Devil. I rebuke you in Jesus name. I cast you out in Jesus name. I cast you Down in Jesus name. I Bind, Cage, Chain, Mute, Muzzle, Gag,  Cut you All Off, Destroy, Strip and Ruin You All. I Nullify All of Your Actions forever and ever In Jesus Christ name. I take back all of the permission that I have given you in the past to operate in me and through me. I take my Authority back right now by the Blood of Jesus Christ and as a Son or Daughter of The Most High God. I render you all Powerless in my life from now on in the Mighty name of Jesus Christ. The Holy Bible States in Phillipians 2:10-11 " That at The Name of Jesus Every knee shall bow of Things in Heaven and Things on Earth and things Under the Earth And Every Tongue Shall Confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. To the Glory of God The Father.” I now command you All to Bow Down on your knees and confess with your mouths that Jesus Christ is Lord. Father God Destroy, Strip, Ruin, Confuse and Cast Down the demonic kingdom in Jesus name. Most High God,  His number is 644, Jesus, Emmanuel, Holy Spirit, Almighty God, Father and His Power Aleeth. Please Forgive Me of Every Sin that I have ever Committed and Thank You for dying on The Cross for Me. I Give You All of the Praise Honor and Glory forever. Lord Thank you for hearing and honoring my prayer and setting me free. Please Lead me and guide me from now on. Amen

My Two Sons Died on the Same Day  Then This Happened //  Timothy J Douglass Sr https://www.youtube.com/playlist...

Be My Friend On Face Book / Super Power Prayer / Timothy J Douglass Sr / End Times Prophecy / Prayer / Worship https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100010641464829

Psalms 91 / Prayers for Protection https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOZKQz7rnHg...

Pornography  / How does It Affect People? https://www.youtube.com/playlist...

The Two Witnesses  / Who are They? When will They Come? https://www.youtube.com/playlist...

The Deep State  / What is It. What Does It Do? https://www.youtube.com/playlist...

The New World Order / When will it Be here? What Is It? https://www.youtube.com/playlist...

The Rapture / When will It Happen? What Is It? https://www.youtube.com/playlist...

https://youtu.be/cuDT4-hsseg

[cassandralexxx]

...

You know the drill when I have nothing and a cut its going to be my should be diary level rambles that I should probably go to therapy to examine instead of publishing to the internet (ie meant to be ignored)

I don’t know why it is so hard for me to confront the fact that I will never be married in the eyes of my God. like I keep trying to find excuses or work arounds or reasons that that wouldn’t be so. but I am a Lesbian. I can no more be attracted to a man than I can do any number of impossible things. Idk. I was thinking about this because many things but today I was thinking about how I probably should go to confession again soon. Because its been several months and the last priest had mentioned that I should go to confession monthly (still something that is sticking to me). But like in a Catholic confession if you don’t confess to all your sins then your confession is invalid because if you aren’t truly sorry and aren’t truly trying to repair your relationship with God than why are you even doing all of this yknow? So I was thinking about what I would need to include and idk if it would be right for me to mention *drum roll please* that one church group that i haven’t gone to this semester. because I lied about how busy I am to get out of attending. and lying is a sin. but ofc when i go to confession i don’t usually detail scenarios but it wouldn’t be a full confession if i didn’t confess to the gravity of that. but also i think i’m quitting the group in total. so like... even though i am sorry am i truly that sorry if i would do it again for fall? but also! i am genuinely going to be busy this fall. so much to do with extracurriculars, classes, and such. anyways this is so off topic but yeah idk i just thinking about that reminded me to the first time I had come out to someone,, summer after my sophomore year of highschool and it was at confession at a well known catholic summer camp. I say this every time the priest was very kind and whatever but he also told me that I should pray the rosary every day until I stopped being confused. and idk how to take that. idk how to internalize that and accept it. i’ve also mentioned that another priest absolved me of the daily rosary thing but like it is still so ... I often wonder how this one friend of mine would react if i ever talked about my struggle with faith and sexuality. like idk if I mentioned that last spring I signed a lil contract stating that i would not engage in relationships counter to the church in order to be in attendance of a book club for other queer catholics it feels so insane to say to think. and like if we ever think about doing so or do do so tell the leadership of the org. like ikd it distresses me I know her reaction would be akin to wtf yknow. like there is no chance it goes over well. because of that i don’t know why i am so fixated on that then. I have mentioned my lack of joy over my sexulity to my other friends before but not very frequently because it feels so embarassing. like i think last january at my friends bday me mentioning i was gay was brought up because one of my friends would always forget and be like “oooh“ when i was around a guy. but anyways in that moment i said something along the lines of yeah no unfortunately i’m not straight. another time fall 2021 ig was talking to my then roommate and I verbatim said “If I could choose I would be straight“, like that is such cringe loser behavior fr like i only remembered about it because girly pop posted about it on her sc story at the time saying that quote her roommate said what i said which like ugh bad. and like its just so bad memories that i said that out loud. and also just me last year telling a girly ik that i’m not really comfortable with my sexuality and would prefer if she didn’t like broadcast it like it is just idk. its so lame that i can’t get over this. because i never know which side i’m falling to when i say get over this. like some times when i want to get over it i want to turn to God and have Him take away this struggle and then others I’m like my God will love me anyways and even so I don’t want to deny myself forever. i’m a mess. I am constanlty flip flopping between wanting to be true to myself and wanting to push it way down. it was 2021 when i realized that being gay meant that i wouldn’t be married in the eyes of my God. I cried to myself as I lay in bed at night when I realized that. I had known I was gay for like 2 years and it was only then that it truly hit what that meant for my future. I was never the kind of girl who pictured my wedding but now i wonder what it would be like if it ever happened. it would’t be in a church and i’m not out to my dad right now so I wonder if he would walk me down the aisle. i think one good thing is that at least my father has already seen me in a “wedding dress“. (for context my senior year of high school i was a debutante for my city and debutantes wear white dresses and mine was an alterred wedding dress,, like it was gorgeous). anyways the concept of not being married is so sucky, like not being able to be i mean like in the eyes of my God i mean. like i comprehend the vast socioeconomic and legal protections and benefits normal marriage has but like i’m speaking religosity here. and it sucks because i think its right. like i would be kinda like idk if thats right if they did start having gay marriage in the church and isn’t that shitty. like damn. I turned to that one church group and church as strong as i did this past spring because i was hurting. i was hurting so much and i thought only in the prescence of God could I be helped. but now i’m sad for different reasons and idk. every one of these just has me thinking i don;t know i don’t know i don’t know. I used to think about the song “i can only imagine“ rather frequently. like the whole “will i stand in your presence or to my knees will i fall will i sing hallelujah will i be able to speak at all.“ and its like rgis much doubt makes me feel so doubly worried of being worthy to exist in His prescence. anyways this is all so dumb and just rambles from someone who doesn’t know what to do with her life. I make plans and form ideas that are contradictory in the hopes that the right one will rise to the top but that is never what really happens. circling back to marriage though i’m thinking about that one quote from the book from Jae like the i think second book after backwards to oregon and how Luke tells their daughter what it means to be married and what it is to be married even without the legality of it bc lilke the whole she’s a lesbian thing. idk that quote hit. i’ll have to look through the book for it later and post it on my blof lmao. anyways signing off this was a bit incoherent and yet id still say rather telling.

[imaslutforremusandsirius]

Mutual longing

It’s 03:43 and I missed writing James, uf i love this one

Warning: 18+

---

Oh, James is a breathtaking sight. With his dark hair and twinkling eyes, his tall toned body and charming smile. His smooth voice and irresistible accent. He is the whole package.

Lost in thought you imagined him fucking you against the wall, his big hand over your mouth to contain your moans as he pounded you aggressively-

„Hey“ Lily chirped, leaning over the table to give you a friendly hug, „Sorry I‘m late, head girl shit.“

You hugged her back, acting as if you didn‘t just imagine getting absolutely railed by the fellow head boy.

„Don‘t worry ‘bout it. Haven‘t been long anyway.“

Lily rolled her eyes and gave you a teasing smile.

„Knowing you, you probably showed up fifteen minutes early to be polite. You can give me shit you know, I deserve it.“

You laughed lightly before you furrowed your brows dramatically and held up a finger much like Professor McGonagall when she lectured the marauders again.

„Lily Evans you little shit. Hopefully you will have a long dreadful nightmare for the shit you put me through!“

Lily smirked at you and nodded, impressed with your choice of words.

„That would be James trying to hug me again, so no thank you.“ She clapped her hands. „Right, lets start.“

You couldn‘t help but think of just how fucking hot it would be to be in James‘ strong arm. Breathless moans and impatient hands tugging down your skirt. His hands all over your body, slowly moving down towards your-

Fuck.

---

Sometime during your meetup Remus appeared and sat down with you. Then came Peter. With him Sirius and of course James.

„I swear Black if you don‘t shut the fuck up“ Lily said forcefully, very close to yelling, „I‘m gonna beat your stupid face with this book!“

Sirius’ wand fell from between his clenched jaw, he was trying to impersonate a growling dog, and he rolled his eyes.

„Calm down, Evans. Besides, Remus would totally not appreciate that, considering my face is number one in his list of“, he cleared his throat theatrically, „Reasons why Sirius Black is the most enchanting being I‘ve ever fucked.“

Remus, already used to Sirius‘ crude remarks, just continued to read his book, his index finger tracing shapes on Sirius‘ palm absentmindedly.

„I agree“ Remus mumbled, missing the way Sirius blushed and melted with his next words, „Sirius is enchanting.“

Sirius, content with the attention he got, leaned his head against his boyfriends shoulder and finally shut his mouth. Lily smiled gratefully at Remus, who send her a wink, the corner of his lips pulling up slightly to show that he had said it on purpose. Not that they needed to know just how accurate Sirius had been with the list.

You threw a glance at James and saw him engrossed with his potions textbook, lips moving silently as he read through the pages. Taking the time to admire him from up close, you watched how his brows would furrow and ease up whenever he worked out a problem, how he would bite his lip in concentration or scratch his nose and push up his glasses when they slipped down his nose.

Truly handsome. Sex on legs.

Fuck why can‘t he just touch you already.

For someone who flirts on the daily he sure was oblivious to girls who were actually interested in him. And not gay, unlike Lily, who literally had a pin on her bag with the lesbian flag on it.

Might get a pin with “Fuck me James“ printed on it. Maybe then he‘ll know, you thought bitterly.

You had already planned a whole color scheme for the pins when a foot nudged your shin under the table and forced you out of your head.

„Need help“ James whispered and slid his worksheet over to you, „Please?“

Oh hell yes. No need to beg, Potter.

„Sure“ You said, congratulating yourself for sounding confident, „Give me a min.“

Reading through the question your took a moment to think about the answer, scribbling it down yourself instead of telling him. You weren‘t sure how long you could gaze into his eyes and act like you didn‘t have wet dreams about him.

Satisfied you looked back up and noticed him already looking at you, or more specifically your mouth.

A devilish idea crossed your mind. Oh, yes.

Acting as if you were still thinking, you bit your lip softly, tracing your bottom lip with your tongue to leave it glistening pink. James swallowed, hand loosening his tie and he lowered his head with blushing cheeks.

„Here“ You smiled, gently sliding the paper back to him and shivered a little when your fingertips touched.

His fingers had to business being so close to the top of the sheet, considering he was sitting across from you and could have just grabbed the bottom part. Hope flared in your chest when you saw him just as taken aback by the touch and you basked in the radiant grin he shot you from under his mop of hair.

Your stomach swarmed with butterflies and you let out a small breath, thighs clenching.

Oh James.

„I should get going“ You said after a while, not in the mood to study anymore.

James‘ head whipped up and he got up as well, packing his bag in time with you. Your eyes widened in surprise, but you refrained from making your excitement too obvious.

„Yeah me too, I‘m tired. Goodnight.“ James rushed and gently pulled you along by the strap of your bag.

The others just grumbled in response, Sirius fast asleep and drooling while Remus waved his hand dismissively. Lily muttered a quick, „I‘ll join in a few minutes“, which actually translates to hours.

Since the others aren‘t here I could have some alone time with James.

Oh shit, there goes your brain. It was really creative when it came to imagening James‘ moans, considering you never heard them before. Or his dick. Fuck.

You silently made your way upstairs and sadly it was an awkward one. Frankly you blamed James for being so hot that you literally had no clue what to say, not knowing that he thought the exact same thing. Sure he is all for, „Everyone can wear what they bloody want“ and he had proven that point by wearing skirts multiple times, but fuck-

You in that skirt has to be criminal by some kind of law right? Has to be a sin in some kind of religion? And don‘t get him started on your lips-

James shook his head to get rid of the mental images and focused on his breathing. Praying that you wouldn’t see his boner.

Somehow you had made it to the empty common room and turned to each other at the same time to say goodnight. Both of you had not considered the distance between your faces, which proved to be extremely short with your noses bumping painfully.

„I‘m so-“

Your words died down when James kissed you hard, his big hands - oh those big, callous hands you‘ve been dreaming about for weeks finally touching your cheeks to pull you impossibly close.

Stunned by his sudden desire to kiss you, you pulled your head away to look into his face and what you saw made you smash your lips on his and his back against the wall.

His quiet, absolutely submissive noises shot straight into your blood and you press your hips against his to hear more of it. His arms were wrapped around your neck, hands buried in your hair as he opened your legs with his knee to press his thigh between your legs.

The rough fabric of his pants made you shudder and your hands slid down his upper body until you got to his cock. James head sank against the wall with a dirty moan as you put your hand in his pants to touch him. Shit, his skin was so soft and hot and he already has precum on the tip.

James lips met yours sloppily as he pushed you backwards onto the couch and sank down between you legs on the ground, moving your feet to rest on the cushion. He clearly didn‘t have any more patience in him and made quick work of pushing your panties aside to rub his fingers against your soaking entrance.

„Come on, James“ You moaned, bucking against him when he finally pushed two fingers inside.

„Mmm look at you“ James groaned out, leaving kisses along your inner thighs and let out wanton sound when your cunt clenched around him.

You didn‘t care about anything but his fingers fucking you at this point, whining when the cool metal of his ring pressed against your clit. You jerked at the hot sensation of his tongue curling around your clit, greedily sucking your pussy lips into his mouth.

„Oh James!“ You whimpered breathlessly, pulling his face so close that his nose was smushed against your lower belly, feeling the vibrations of every moan he let out shoot directly to your cunt.

Pulling him up by his hair you kissed him again, panting into his open mouth when he kept pistoning his fingers into your cunt.

„Please let me fuck you“ James begged needily, brows pinched in longing to feel you around his throbbing cock, „Please I can‘t wait anymore!“

Instead of answering, you pushed his pants down with your heels and trapped him between your legs. James hissed in relief when he felt some kind of friction on his cock and eased himself inside.

„Oh“ James let out a broken whimper, head thrown back in sheer bliss, „Feel so good.“

You couldn’t answer, way to enamored with the way he stretched you open so deliciously, watching his cock push into your body. Oh fuck, the sight was so dirty and crass and yet you couldn‘t take your eyes off him.

„James“ You gasped with difficulty, „James please ‘m‘gonna cum!“

James bend your legs so they were over his shoulders and pounded you harshly, face screwed up in ecstasy with the way you cried out his name. Your moans cut off only to be replaced by sobs when the tip of his cock hit your g-spot over and over again.

„Yes yes yes“ James chanted, pressing his forehead on yours to stare at your dazed expression, „tell me how you feel!“

Your shook your head quickly, signaling him that you couldn‘t possibly form a coherent sentence, but his persisted.

„Tell me how you feel!“ James hissed, thumb suddenly on your clit and you broke.

„Good good so fucking good“ You cried, latching on his body to encourage him to fuck you harder.

„Prove it“ James moaned brokenly, „Cum for me!“

His other hand wrapped around your delicate throat and squeezed firmly, making you tip over the edge and cry out your release. James‘ orgasm made him tremble so violently that he couldn‘t hold himself up anymore, collapsing on your chest with a deep throaty whimper as he filled your cunt with his hot cum.

„Fuck yes“ James ground out, hips still pushing in and out of you, like he couldn’t bear the thought of stopping. He raised his head to watch you, his pupils still dilated, pink lips quivering with aftershocks.

James looked absolutely wrecked and satisfied. He stared at you as if staring at a goddess, nuzzling close to hear your heartbeat.

„You okay?“ James asked quietly and tucked himself back in to help you clean up.

„Yeah, perfect.“ You grinned, letting him help you up and pull you towards his dorm.

He gave you a playful smile, but you saw the slight nervousness in his eyes.

„Stay?“

God, yes. Finally. Fuck those pins, who needs them.

„Yes.“