#ptsdconfessions

[agirldying]

Day 19: What helps you get through the hardest days?

I have my coping skills, but obviously there are days where they just don't work. In those cases:

My boyfriend. He immediately comes to my rescue any time I'm not feeling well physically or mentally. He cuddles me, tells me really reassuring things, and if all else fails he shows me cute animals such as this seal:

Also the support network here, as well as The Den Discord server by the lovely @traumatizeddfox. Also my mutuals, like @toothdrop and @rottingtrouble-child, not to mention @weirddkiddo, the late @faemold-angelmilk, and @shy-ghost-girl to name a few. <3

[eadiletsum]

Day 4: Does anyone else know about the trauma you experienced?

The people involved with it and a few therapists. I don’t talk about it often with friends, and when I do I usually keep things and vague and don’t go into detail or specifics.

[system-of-a-feather]

Day 1 of 30 of PTSD

“What kinds of symptoms do you experience?”

Personally, I do not hold direct memories of a lot of our trauma in our early teens and younger, but I do hold a decent chunk of the trauma that occured after we were about 13 years old give or take. As a result I have experienced a decent few symptoms. Obviously, as a system, we experience A LOT of dissociation to the point of DID, but for the most part I will leave that out as it is a bit of a given.

For myself, I’ve experienced flashbacks (both implicit and explicit), unwanted memories, avoidance of anything that might be triggering and remind me of the trauma, excessively seeking out triggers that might remind me of the trauma, memory issues, detatchment from just about everything, feeling outcasted / different than a lot of people which creates issues and difficulty making friends, depression, hypervigilance, so on and so forth.

I used to experience a sense of foreshortened future and a lot of self directed hate / self blame. 

Aderis I do know personally struggles heavily to adapt to a world that ISN’T trying to hurt her and while she cognitively now realizes that the world is safe, she doesn’t often understand how to live with that knowledge since she spent a lot of time being on guard and always ready for the worst. She also I think experiences a lot of what I have as well if not more on top of that.

-Riku (Host)

[altruisticenigma]

Day 28: What goals do you have?

So many! If you mean in regards to my recovery:

-Process each traumatizing memory through EMDR (I’ve had my first session, and it was interesting to say the least!)

-Accept myself fully as I am, as a person with disabilities (primarily PTSD). Stop pushing myself past my limits, or like I still have an able body.

-Tell my #1 abuser that he either listens to my confessions of who I am and my reasons for hiding who I was, and accept who I was all along, or accept that I have to no longer speak to him anymore because this charade is just too painful.

-Live an authentic life like I do on here, or with my loved ones. I have so much to offer to the world as I am and I’m tired of hiding.

-Share my story as a series of videos on YouTube. I’m highly articulate (hence my trauma tag lol) and my story is unique; I want to share my story to those who could relate and feel validated in someone who shares a similar story.

[constantly-content]

Day 2: What are some good things that have happened in your life?

1. I got engaged! It’s the most magical thing.

2. I got a stable job.

3. I started going to therapy and being able to talk about my trauma.

4. I moved into a new apartment in a new city.

5. I have been accepting my weight gain, and have stopped blaming myself for it.

6. I have less bad dream nights than even a month ago.

[overwhelmed-ravenclaw]

Admitting Having PTSD

Admitting something like this is extremely hard for someone. For me, it was especially hard because of the fact of how my family is. They have toxic tendencies and the other side is majority toxic in general. So I am not precisely safe from them playing blame game if they even admit it to themselves that I do have PTSD.  I hope this helps someone else who has to admit their family or to other people about PTSD. Also, I would like to point out that I didn’t tell my whole family (I won’t tell my whole family) and I will also like to say that others may have even more different reactions. It is something scary and no one knows what to precisely expect. I was trying to be trigger wary while writing this. TL;DR at the end I’ll have a line separating them. Everything I pre-typed for this is undercut.  @ptsdconfessions​

My family like most is complicated. It feels to me like mine is more so than a lot of others but I know that probably isn’t the truth. My mom left when I was young, which is important to this but not what this is about. I had accepted my mom left because she wasn’t happy in her marriage to my dad. She explained to me she didn’t know where she was going so she couldn’t take us with. She didn’t want to put us in any kind of danger by accident. For a 7-year-old, I understood she was trying to protect us and get out of a loveless relationship. 

I have 4 older sisters, but one doesn’t play a role in this till years later, so I am going to skip her for the time being. (She was adopted after my mom left and around the time the PTSD started to form)  My counselor and Therapist both had repeatedly suggested I explain more than “I have depression” to my family. They knew that I knew I had PTSD. The reason behind it varied to a bunch of things that most of which happened before I was 13 and there was nothing I could do about it. Some of the stuff that happened later in life adds onto that but I am going to stay vague to avoid triggers as much as I can. None of my PTSD had to do with my mother leaving, or at least very little did, because if she was there then a lot of it wouldn’t have happened.

So I first sat down with my sister and uncle who lived with me. I am going to call this uncle (huge family) U-D, the sister at hand is L. L’s reaction was “So you are mentally insane, that means you can get disability and quit your dream of whatever it is, I don’t know it doesn’t make sense.” My dream is to help children that dealt with same past like me and make sure they don’t end up as bad as I did, so I became a paraprofessional (Fancy word for special needs aide) The other part of my dream is to become a published author. Not through self-publishing but a big name company. I don’t care if my books don’t sell, I want to know that I have at least tried to be an author.

U-D stated that he doesn’t understand how I have PTSD because I was never in the army or warzone. Later on, he learned what happened to me when I was little, or at least small bits, from my sister B. Let just say after learning some information he had dropped that I couldn’t have PTSD and just went with it. L kept pushing me to do things that she knew would trigger me till finally not one but four councilors had all sat down and explained to her what she was doing, she kept it up. She saw that if she can keep triggering me then I will do what she wants to make her leave me alone. Then eventually I told my aunt AD and my Dad. Dad stated he could tell that I had PTSD because of the fact that he was a lousy dad. Which is partly true. If he would have done what should have when I was little then I wouldn’t have it this server. He isn’t fully at blame but he admitted he did things wrong and knows it. AD then learned a few of the things through dad and me. She was supportive and wanted me to seek deeper help. Which I did with her encouragement and her nudging me on the path of healing. Next person I told was my grandmother on my mother side. Up to this point, I have only talked to the family who is on my dad’s side and I can be face to face. My grandparents on my dad’s side passed away years ago and my grandfather on my mom’s side passed away while I was still a baby. So this grandmother was the only one I could talk to. Her reply to finding out made my stomach feel like I had eaten lava and nauseous. You know the feeling that you just did something bad and disgusting and you get after that? Well, that was my version of that feeling. I am getting it now, but I want to get this story out here.

My grandmother’s reaction which a lot of my PTSD does ties back to her in my childhood… was the simple saying “It is your mother’s fault. She left you at such an impressionable age. It caused you to have depression. If you would stop living in the past your doctor wouldn’t mistake it as PTSD. So start smiling more and live in the future!” Which I ended our conversation with a quick “My phone is dying, talk you later” then it took me 2 months to be able to call her again.

My Aunt who works at the hospital AB was next and AB snorted. “I have known that since you were twelve. You on medicine now for anxiety? What kind so I can check it against my copies of your old medical records.” Which was a huge Wait, what? So I told her my meds, she then told me to ask the doctor about lower doses because I don’t take medicine. I never liked to. Which the doctor agreed and gave me lower doses and the kind my aunt requested because, after a second look, the doctor stated that it would be better for me. I have nightmares that make me have insomnia. (Solution to that is lots of caffeine. Mainly coffee.)

My sisters B and M (adopted one I said I would skip for time being) both knew about me having PTSD but because my dad wouldn’t seek help for me when I was little there was nothing they could do until I was an adult. By then they thought I already sought help, but only did about 2 years ago. I haven’t told my eldest sister, because a huge chunk of it is because of her and her husband. I also haven’t explained properly to my mother because I don’t want to make her worry, she has PTSD too. I know I will have to eventually. That just left one uncle that I was extremely close to. AD’s husband. When I finally told him about it he dismissed it stating “Everyone has PTSD.” Which made me confused and I stated that. “Listen, you are perfectly normal. You are fine. Nothing is wrong with you. What they claim is PTSD is normal for everyone. Everyone has it. It is like breathing air, it comes naturally to us. You just have to ignore it and move on in life. Not take the medicine they give you and become a pill popper, man.” ((He’s an old school hippy)) He then started to use that tone that parents do when you have done something wrong when I tried to explain that it wasn’t sadness or depression that I have actual flashbacks and nightmares. That I have physical issues once triggered that too much happens at once to explain in dept. Which one he started to give me that look and down talking me saying basically what he said before. He stormed off and act liked I was an idiot. I was heartbroken because out of everyone, I figured he’d understand. He was drafted into a war when he was 17 so he should have understood, right? Talking to AD later, I explained what happened and I could see the emotions in her eyes seemed to scream in annoyance. Not at me, but at her husband. She then explained to me when she first met him in her teenage years, he was already married but they were filing for divorce, they became good friends since they worked together. She was a waitress, he was the cook. He then told her about how he has been forced to see a doctor who he thinks was coo-coo (her words) he had been diagnosed with PTSD from the war, though he was just a sailor who picked up injured soldiers and brought them home, and he was diagnosed Bipolar. He didn’t like how the medicine made him feel and react so he stopped taking them declaring that they were trying to make him into a pill popper, which she stated it took him months to stop having the withdrawals from the medicine. In the 80s before his daughter was born he tried again, and again he didn’t like how they made him feel and once stopped taking them the withdrawals were the worst thing he has ever encountered or at least that is what he told AD. So much like how older people in our small town area is still using racist words but not in a racist way, only because their mind is set to that programming that can’t be overridden, he is same way about medicine for “fake mental illnesses” and that was why he was so hard on me. He still is hard on me whenever someone brings up about when I need to take my medicine and he is around. It got to the point I have actually started to try to avoid him as much as I can. I hate that because I love spending time with him at his house, we do crafts together and bounce craft ideas off of each other. He used to come over to mow the lawn for me so I didn’t have to use the old push (not engine mower it is an actual push contraption with opened blades and you have to put your weight on it to make it cut the lawn) He does it with his actual mower that is run on gas. Now avoiding him, he started to avoid me too and I hate the feeling of loneliness I got. In my family, it is rare to hear someone to say sincerely “I love you” he did. No one else in my family besides, my mom, B, and M do that. Everyone else does it as if they rehearsed it and don’t mean it. Like it is something that they are supposed to say. Which when I hear it so sincerely from him or my mom or my two sisters that do that, it puts me in tears of happiness because my normally numbed emotionally body is filled with this comfortable warmth. Any bad thoughts or images that popped in my head or even the worst day imaginable, once I hear those words with someone being sincere, it is all out of my mind and I am too happy to care about anything else.

TL; DR // Summary

So each had a different type of reaction to me coming out.

L - Money, thinks she is going to get to control me because I can leave my job (I am not getting money because of PTSD) 

UD - At first not understanding then he is. He makes sure I eat and when triggered he normally gives me chocolates and make sure I take my meds.

AD - Love, lots and lots of love. She buys me random stuff (including lunch while I am working at the school) and my favorite yet is when she baked me a freaking cake because I was annoyed at my sister trying to trigger me before I got to school that day.

Dad - Guilt and understanding.

Grandmother - Blaming everything and everyone else not even caring what was the true cause, when that didn’t work then stated I don’t have it just living in the past.

AB, B & M - They knew already and thus why they were always loving and supportive of me (besides B always states “You are my baby girl, of course, I love you” Then I normally get roped into really tight hugs that make all my bones pop.)

Hippy - Denile. Claims that PTSD isn’t real. Set in old time ways of thinking when really damaging to me but he doesn’t mean to be. He is trying to be helpful.

I’m leaving my mom out, I rather her think for now until I have to tell her, that I just have depression. It is easier on her mental health and I don’t want her to stress and worry about me.

[traumatizedfoxisabelle]

Day 28: What goals do you have?

I have many goals. They’re kinda general:

Going better : I Don't like having PTSD for some Reason…

Becoming autonom : While I enjoy being in a group home I don't see myself staying in forever

Having a better self esteem : that would help me

Better able to better defend my interests : I’m too passive and that damage my health

[astralmouseart]

Day 2: What are some good things that have happened in your life?

Continuing the PTSD confessions thingie:

Having good/cool mother that is into metal.

Having cool/good uncle that is into metal.

Getting into metal.

Working from home for almost last 10 years.

Good taste in music.

Getting into modding games.

Learning to read cognitive configurations of people.

Good taste in games.

Discovering spirituality.

Training Krav Maga for several months.

My book/game/music collection.

Discovering Dr. Kwaśniewski’s optimal diet.

Learning drawing.

Spending lots of time on the Internet.

Being creative.

Going to a big community centre when I was a kid and teen that included a lot of activities, including sculpting, drawing, wood modelling, biology, etc.

Never having a day job for extended period of time. It’s mainly because of my health problems, but if I didn’t have them, I would never need a day job in the first place.

My room.

Internet access.

My hobbies.

[transmxnfenris]

30 Day PTSD Challenge

Day 18: Do you have any unhealthy coping mechanisms? My unhealthiest coping mechanisms where drinking and getting high - but I’ve cut down dramatically on the former and have given up completely on the latter. I cut sometimes, pull my hair and scratch myself - I’d say those were very unhealthy coping mechanisms. I maladaptively daydream, disassociate, and idealise - the former two are healthy-ish? My therapists have all said their fine, so long as they don’t take over my life. The last one is not and I’m really trying to stop. But it’s difficult. 

[east-of-dema]

Ptsd 30 day challenge

Day 4: Does anyone else know about the trauma you experienced? My mom, dad and close friends know of it, but only my therapist and girlfriend know in detail.

[agirldying]

Day 26: How have your symptoms changed over time?

Thankfully my PTSD symptoms have dramatically reduced. I used to have 10 anxiety attacks a month and now it's nowhere near that. I also used to have telogen effluvium (stress-induced alopecia) which has since gone away, along with severe dermatillomania (aka skin-picking. I still have this, but not nearly as bad). I have significantly less flashbacks, hypervigilance episodes, and PTSD nightmares.

Some things that have surprisingly gotten worse include my OCD (I now struggle with multiple BFRBs as well as Existential-OCD, which also means more panic attacks), dissociation has strangely also gotten worse, which is also tied into the fact that my sense of self is... I genuinely don't know how to describe it except perhaps just... different? I'm now a questioning system.

I think overall my life has gotten better, and I think it's easy to say for multiple reasons, but especially because I am safe now.

[eadiletsum]

Day 3: Is there anything your trauma stops you from doing?

Plenty; it’s vague to say so but it ultimately stops me from just relaxing and enjoying things, or at the very least not worrying about them. The worst case scenario, the real worst case scenario that isn’t remotely likely? That thought is always at the forefront of my mind. I’ve joked in the past that I’m not even in my comfort zone when I’m lying in bed, but it’s kind of the truth. If I don’t have my loved ones practically in my line of sight, it can feel like I won’t ever see them again. Obviously, this kind of thinking affects everything I do. Even basic functioning becomes difficult on days I can’t stop my thoughts from spiraling; my energy just drains. 

Keeping anything longer than a seasonal job is difficult, as much as I hate to say it. Fast-paced service jobs that require better social skills than I have already start out challenging. Eventually, it gradually gets overwhelming, I call in sick more and more often, and then I quit or am fired. I’ve had moderate success with entrepreneurship and I’m trying to make that more of a consistent thing. 

Finally, it’s hard to express how much I love my friends, family, and partner because it genuinely feels like my emotions are a burden or even a curse. That as soon as I’m honest with someone, it might end up being too much, or not enough, or just the wrong kind of affection. That, or if I’m selfish enough to tell someone I care about them... the universe? God? Will take them away from me, either as some kind of trial by fire or just because I don’t deserve them. It’s hard to judge others’ intentions, too, and their honesty, only because my inherent faith in the goodness of other people has been broken down. Even posting this is flat out terrifying; I don’t want to scare anyone off, or anger them, or expose how much of a coward I can actually be, haha. I can see how that’s projection, too. I’m afraid of being honest. I almost skipped today, so that’s one more thing my trauma has the power to stop. My honesty.

[system-of-a-feather]

Day 4 of 30 of PTSD

Does anyone else know about the trauma you experienced?

Hahaha no lol. I mean like my oldest sisters maybe because like? They lived there too but like, one is a massive bitch so that doesn’t matter and the other has a lot of memory gaps so... Most of the system doesn’t even know the details. “Our family was fucked up and abusive for the first 12 years and there was a lot - musta sucked” is all they know. I mean others miggght know in the system but that sucks for them to know. The system can hear about it when the time is right but until then, I’m big daddy trauma holding protector - or well caretaker now I guess. But those are still protectors so..

-Aderis (Caretaker)

[altruisticenigma]

Day 22: Is there anything you’d like to tell anyone about your trauma?

-GASLIGHTING CAN BE SO PENETRATING AND MANIPULATIVE THAT YOU CAN GASLIGHT YOURSELF FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I am currently struggling the everloving fuck out of just feeling valid, and feeling like it’s okay to make simple decisions. Making decisions just for myself. Making decisions, and justifying my decisions. Making decisions and NOT HAVING TO justify my decisions. Every day. I am NOW coming to terms with how incredibly all-encompassing it was (I’m 23!!!), and how severe of a case it was- I’ve been gaslit the moment I was born. Be aware of what kind of person you were raised to be, but also what kind of person you may have been programmed to be. Emotional abuse is extremely damaging.

- My CPTSD is unique in which I feel like there are multiple “Chrystas” living in me. Not enough identity split to diagnose DID... but enough of a identity disruption that defines a clear case of CPTSD. My psychiatrist is intrigued by this. I, too am intrigued by it. There is a complex identity system in which a morally-aligned, high empathy me exists, at the same time with a extremely bloodthirsty, vengeful me who’s jaded- born of trauma. There’s a little child me, and all the younger “mes” that existed before they were “murdered” by the traumatic experiences. I feel as if I am a ton of concepts or ideas... passions wound up in a body. Not a solid person.

- Trauma recovery is a life-long process. Because of this, I feel like if people want to be close to me, to a degree they must want to understand what I’ve been through. I will constantly be working on who I was meant to be. I have no room for people who can’t comprehend that.

- Because of the nature of my abuse, fuck forgiveness, and I will never forgive my abuser. I need you to understand that because of his actions, I will never know who I was supposed to be. I will never know mental peace. I will never be able to just be calm without worrying about the next thing to do. He did something unforgivable. Allow a traumatized person to feel that vindication; anger is reclamation of themselves. Anger is acknowledgement of wrong, holding the offenders accountable, and acknowledging you deserved better.

[constantly-content]

Day 1: What kinds of symptoms do you experience?

Hi all! I am going to start the 30 day PTSD challenge. I am getting a lot of peace from writing out my feelings, and think it would be good to document these things to see how they change over time. 

1. I experience horribly vivid dreams. Even if the dreams don’t specifically recount my trauma, they mimic certain feelings that I felt (fear, pain, anxiety) I wake up several times a night, often soaked with sweat, feeling more tired than before I slept. 

2. I often experience discomfort when being alone with men, or walking around busy spaces by myself. If I see someone with similar physical features to my attacker, I become uncontrollably anxious and uncomfortable.

3. I have struggled with many forms of intimacy. I prefer to just not be touched by anyone. Occasionally I enjoy intimate moments with my fiance, but not as much as normal. This is something I really want to work towards correcting.

4. The thought of returning to the location where the incident occurred feels physically impossible. It has made that entire location a trigger.

5. General anxiety and depression. There are days when I don’t get joy from much of anything. I often just feel nothing at all.

Xo

[bpdstevenuniverse]

Hey do you know of any other blogs that offer advice like this one, or of any other blogs that are safe spaces for people with depression.

I admit I don't follow many blogs (and most of them are inactive ^^;) but some of my recs are:

@defiantsuggestions

@ptsdsafe

@survivorsuggest (they've been on a semi-hiatus though)

@ptsdconfessions (TW for very personal traumatic experiences, they do tag triggers but still)

at least these are more specific to trauma and (C)PTSD, but since depression is a very common symptom for trauma victims/survivors, they post resources and advice for it as well!

if anyone knows more blogs feel free to add!