#putting extra effort into my art is good sometimes but not if it’s constant

[theswedishpajas]

🚘👻🗣💀🌆

[betweentheracks]

can you tell us what your credentials are and what sort of studies/coursework did you have to take up to get to your position? and, if not too personal, what your day to day work life might look life in and out awards seasons or other big ticket events your clients might need styled for?

This is long and rambling, I do apologize. 

Regarding coursework and education routes into becoming a pro stylist, the thing is that there isn’t necessarily a need for a specific type of education. You could literally drop school and strive for success by the grit of your teeth and iron will alone if you really want and still could gain great acclaim. It isn’t exactly common but it does happen if you strike upon fortunate circumstances and garner experience wherever possible to form the base of your portfolio and profile which will later shape your reputation. 

As it is, most studios and clients do tend to give more consideration to those that come from an academic qualifications and learning. While experience if the foreground on which all stylists (and any other set of industry workers) tread, having the support and security of studying styles and fashion and marketing and all manner of related blather gives a sense of merit and provides opportunities for your to be selected for a job despite a lack of reputation or experience. The best stylists fall from both trees and the worst do as well; there is no guaranteed recipe for success in this field as fashion itself is too fluid in expression to be quantified. 

As for what I did; I had hands in both pots and have the educational background that assures I know what I am doing in terms of textual/technical understanding as well as experience from moments of pure luck compounded by my audacious efforts. I have a Bachelor’s compromised of fashion merchandising, fashion retailing, marketing, and visual arts. I took side courses at a fashion technical institute with a more tailored program that catered to the fundamentals of fit, body (and measurements) assessment, design and trends, media styling, and fashion industry principles. Additionally I did half a semester of social skills in a business. From there I went on to snatch up an internship and spent a bit more than a year being a shadow of the stylists for the company I work for before grasping a golden chance to become notable and step beyond that restricted role. I also have the certifications of AICI CIC and AICI CIP with hopes to one day finally snag the coveted AICI CIM (respectively; certified image consultant, certified image professional, certified image master).

I had friends that have worked in and out of this end of the industry and knew from the jump that I wanted to pad my portfolio with the safety net provided by academia and use it to bridge the gaps in my experience early on. I figured if I had the knowledge of how to deal with the business side of things as well as the styling side then I was a bit more valuable and, worst case, could go be a consultant or advisor for retailers or big wig company heads. As it is, the only reason I have any clout to my name at all is due to my internship - it paved over all the potholes in the road I was on and has been very favorable, but not everyone is as fortunate as I have been and this is not an easy path to undertake and forge into a career with any real sense of stability or security. Freelance stylists have a completely different struggle despite the majority coming from similar backgrounds as myself. 

Now, onto the daily scope and specs of wardrobe styling ~

Please take into consideration that I am an admitted workaholic/perfectionist/overachiever within the boundaries of my work. I’m quite lazy in almost every other sense of living and make existing seem like a wreck and I’m the one driving the struggle-bus that caused it, but for the job I have I am a supremely different breed (though still a lunatic). So yeah, I do a lot more than most would in my position and it is actually something that my company head both loves and hates and is rumored to be writing a clause for all employees regarding allowable working methodology due to the sheer amount of paperwork I alone generate. I am the hazard of our company, but I am also an asset. 

Anyway, I start most of my days with a lot of reading through emails that range from client comments and commands to vendors looking to use my company or clientele to bolster their credibility, to brands extending offers of product usage for marketing and campaigning reasons, and a variety of back and forths between me and the PAs or clerks of photographers, other studios, and fashion houses. Next comes hours of phone calls and reviewing schedules to ensure there is no intersections between client-oriented event slots. For one photoshoot I typically spend 3-4 weeks on the semantics of lighting quality and set features and then the rest of the time is dedicated to wardrobe and piecing out however many styles are called for, and then usually adding in at least 2 extras just for good measure. There's so many meetings my butt goes numb and touching base with the other members of my glam teams to reaffirm that we are all working on tandem and on the same page as far as vision goes. I sometimes have a turn in taking care of a new trainee or intern that is wandering our workplace like a fawn on clumsy legs and have questionable instincts.

When it comes to pulling apparel to make up sets, I have been known to be in the rack rooms and show rooms and fashion archives for over 7 hours a day. Our archivists know me as personally as I know my assistants and friends from how often I am in there territory and have to rely on their hardwork and favor. I spend days doing this until I have what I need and then dedicate every bit of my attention designing and creating looks which is another 5+ hours of one day, over the course of many. I have had days where I have been at work for 16 or 17 hours before I realize it, which is why I am such a thorn in my boss’ ass and often told to take a day off or get sent home midway through the morning - my hours alone could have business bureaus raising their eyebrows at the legality of my working hours. (This is cranked to max when shows and events are in the schedule; Awards Season is a nightmare and tours are the bastard offspring of Hell actually. The amount of hours put in are truly horrific). 

Also worth mentioning for the sake of perspective is that my job is as expansive as my clients allow; if they request me for one of their various activities in the public eye or in media, if available, I am obligated to prioritize their needs above the projects that my company has assigned to me as per our contract and am expected to either find a replacement or delegate to my assistant and apprentice when possible. The opposite is also true: if my clients have a light workload or are on break from their careers, I am typically doing the busy work of in-studio tasks or tracking rising trends and other features of the fashion forecast. I also host a multitude of temporary contracts with all manner of clientele from brand ambassadors to photographers to celebrities to commercial shoots & services. These jobs come upon official requests made through the company and then negotiated into the terms of how short the working schedule will be, what work I will be undertaking, and an assessment of skills vs revenue to maintain a balance of my time as a professional being properly valued within the sad decline of styling budgets before it will be officially taken on in my name. For these I tend to make better use of my status and hand off most of the project unless I am specifically needed. I make appearances as necessary but am mostly an advisor rather than the producer, instead focusing on my exclusive clients all while staying keyed in so that the work isn't below standard. This is all a badly kept secret of my company and myself - the clients do typically know and accept this is how I handle things in general and are aware that they are paying for an absent role of by way of my name/credentials unless they specify otherwise. There have been times when a side job like this has more prestige than all the years of my experiences combined could generate which ostensibly is treated with much more care and most of my other work pauses in deference to this. 

Being a stylist, especially a wardrobe AND fashion stylist, is just so much I don't think I could fully capture the scale of it for a proper index of what we do. 

In short, I don't have routine days. I have days that are at the beck and call of a workload that changes at the drop of a pin or the half digit uptick that dictates the emergence of a new trend or the downwind of when a trend skews into becoming mainstream. I can be paced out and looking at a light day at my desk and suddenly be crammed into a pitch meeting or called out to a set. I've also spent many days lounging on the sofa in a client's dressing room playing on my phone and cracking jokes with the glam team as we wait for our client to return between performance takes. And then there are days when I only go into work for our weekly meeting and review before heading back home. It's constant and consuming and sometimes I can't catch my breath before I'm shoved into the show room under a daunting time crunch because an entire ensemble has been misplaced or ruined. Just a matter of days before I was felled by COVID-19 I was having a nap during a photoshoot which I had already fulfilled my purpose and had no further need to participate in.

The reality is that I spend the majority of my time carving out a balance of my work life not superseding my time dedicated to being with my son and making sure he knows no matter what, he is above my hectic career always.

[cadence-talle]

Lavender-Inked Silence

Pairing: Fitz Vacker/Keefe Sencen

Wordcount: 1,883

Summary: Peer grading isn’t fun by any measure, but they can trust each other not to judge. And it’s nice, having a little note to look at before he goes home and has to explain to his father why he only got a 95 on the science test. 

(Keefe keeps all these notes in a box under his bed, ripping them out of tests and rereading them when he can’t sleep. He’s not quite sure why, but they help.)

(There are quite a lot of notes, over the years.)

Notes: Thanks to @loverofallthingssmart for the prompt and @vibing-in-the-void for betaing! (Also for coming up with the title “a for effort, g for gay”, which is the best thing i’ve ever heard. 

Taglist: @everyonehasthoughts, @clearlykeefitz, @loverofallthingssmart, @a-lonely-tatertot, @enbies-and-felonies, @molly-sencen, @lemontarto, @appalyneinstitute1, @ruewen-and-rising, @silver-snow, @linhamon-roll, @hyperlollypop, @never-ever-too-many-fandoms, @keeper-of-the-lost-queers, @impostertamsong, @vibing-in-the-void, @yeetersofthelostcities, @mistythegirlfluxmess, @diamond-dreamerr, @we-have-no-bananas-today, @an-absolute-travesty

(Sometimes, there are words that can’t be understood.)

Spelling tests are, in Keefe’s opinion, the worst thing in the world. 

Some words are easy; “fan”, for example, or “kitten”. They’re written exactly how they sound, so Keefe has no problem with them. It’s only with others that he gets tripped up, the extra vowels and unnecessary consonants, combined with Keefe’s terrible spelling, twisting words into unrecognizable shapes. 

The worst part is, he knows most of these words- he’s seen them in books his father has made him read. He can see the letters in his mind, can see the definition of the word. When he tries to write them down, though, it turns into something completely different. 

“Neither,” the teacher says, walking slowly around the room. “Neither. ‘Not the one nor the other of two people or things; not either’. Neither.”

Niether, Keefe writes, then scribbles it out and changes it to netheir. That doesn’t look right either, but the teacher has already moved on. 

“All right, last one,” she calls as Keefe adds a bill and tiny feet to the duck he’s doodled earlier. “Beer. ‘An alcoholic drink made from yeast-fermented malt flavored with hops.’ Beer.”

To be quite honest, Keefe is pretty sure he knows how to spell beer. Although, with everything he’s learned about spelling, it’s very possible there’s another vowel in there somewhere. Maybe an a? 

But that would be bear, and time’s running out. 

Baer, he scribbles down just as the teacher comes to collect his paper. She gives it a cursory glance, raising an eyebrow in an expression that reminds Keefe of his father. “We’ll be partner-grading these,” she says cooly. “So when you get someone else’s test, I’ll put the answers on the board and you can mark which ones are wrong.”

Keefe sighs a little, tapping the edge of his desk with his pencil. He’s positive he got almost everything wrong, and now one of his classmates will know too. 

Figures. 

He corrects the (few) errors on the test he’s given angrily, not even glancing at the name on the top until he’s done. When he does, his stomach drops a little. 

Fitzroy A. Vacker, the signature at the top reads. Fitz; one of the best students in their class, so well known he can’t walk down the hall without being high-fived. And if Keefe has his test, that means-

“Here you go.” Keefe’s test drops back onto his desk, the other boy appearing next to him. Wordlessly, Keefe hands him his test. Fitz nods and walks back to his seat, and Keefe picks up the paper. 

It’s not as bad as he was expecting. He made a lot of mistakes, true- apparently beer is not, in fact, spelled with an a- but there are no rude comments. Just corrections made in light purple pen. 

And in the corner, next to Keefe’s halfhearted doodle of a duck, is a little note. 

I like your drawing, it says, and then, you’re a really good artist. 

You’re a really good artist. 

No one’s ever said that to Keefe. Art isn’t a thing he’s good at, because it’s not a thing he does for fun- it’s not a thing he’s allowed to do for fun. 

But here, out of the blue, this compliment from someone he barely knows because he drew a stupid duck.

Keefe stares at the paper and smiles. 

(He doesn’t know, not yet. But this, in the form of a lavender-inked note on a spelling test, is the start of something amazing.)

-/-

He doesn’t talk to Fitz, of course. That would be stupid. They’re not friends, so no matter how much he’d like to thank the other boy, he doesn’t. He stays silent, keeps to himself, doesn’t ask his father to arrange a playdate. (Father would be overjoyed if he asked. That’s probably why Keefe doesn't.)  

No, he doesn’t do anything until they have a math quiz.

Keefe is actually pretty good at math. Addition and subtraction have always come easy to him, so he breezes through the questions and is done with time to spare. When Fitz’s quiz lands on his desk again, he’s barely even surprised; they’ll probably just be partnered up for the rest of the year. 

He is surprised, though, when the grade comes out to an 85/100. Not bad, but not good either; certainly not what Keefe would have expected for everyone’s favorite Golden Boy.

But then he remembers the way his father had sneered when he’d come home with his spelling test. The hours he’d had to study on a subject he didn’t understand, words swimming in front of his eyes.

Everyone’s bound to have one bad subject. Maybe this is Fitz’s. 

So Keefe puts a little :) next to the grade, writing great job! before standing up and handing it off to Fitz. The other boy looks at the paper, his face scrunching up as he reads the grade then melting into surprise when he sees the note. 

“Thanks,” he says, looking up at Keefe. “You too.”

(Sometimes, there are words that can’t be understood. Things that can’t be said out loud for fear of breaking them.) 

(But Fitz’s smile, right then, speaks volumes.)

-/-

By third grade, Fitz has switched to using a sky blue pen, and by fifth, he’s writing with green. One thing never changes, though- he and Keefe are always in the same class, and they always grade each other’s work. 

It’s more a decision than a teacher-mandated thing. Peer grading isn’t fun by any measure, but they can trust each other not to judge. And it’s nice, having a little note to look at before he goes home and has to explain to his father why he only got a 95 on the science test. 

(Keefe keeps all these notes in a box under his bed, ripping them out of tests and rereading them when he can’t sleep. He’s not quite sure why, but they help.)

(There are quite a lot of notes, over the years.)

CHEMICAL CHANGES QUIZ: Fitzroy A. Vacker, Class 302

98/100. Pretty sure a flame test isn’t setting something on fire, but good job anyway! I drew you a flower in compinsashun so you would feel better. -Keefe

Basic Fractions Worksheet: Keefe S, Class 401 

100/100! You’re so good at math. -Fitz

Exports & Taxation in the American Revolution: Fitz Vacker, Class 503

100/100. This was really good! I couldn’t stop laughing at the sentence “the colonists rebelled by throwing tea in the ocean”, though. -Keefe

(And there are others, too, not written on schoolwork; tiny messages scrawled in the margin of a sheet of paper and folded into a tight square.)

(Blue ones.)

I passed the principal on my way to class. She’s… not happy. Did you really cover her office in paint? -F

They have no proof. -K

(Green ones.)

Hey, can you come over this afternoon? -K

Yeah, sure. What’s up? -F

I just… I don't want to be alone with my parents. They’re always… nicer. When you’re around. -K

Ok. -F

(And in eighth grade, when Fitz has run out of different colors of pens and is back to purple, there are purple ones.)

Are you going to Stina’s party next weekend? -F

I might. If you’re there. -K

(Sometimes, there are words that can’t be understood. Things that can’t be said out loud for fear of breaking them. Of breaking yourself.) 

(There are a lot of messages. None of them mean much.)

(Keefe keeps them anyway.)

-/-

The house is packed, people laughing and whooping over the loud music. The lights are flashing, there’s something suspiciously bitter in the punch, and almost everyone here is a stranger. 

Keefe’s been at this party for five minutes. He already regrets coming. 

In the crowd, someone lets out a high shout. Fitz flinches slightly at Keefe’s side, taking a step closer to the other boy. 

“You want to get out of here?” Keefe murmurs in his ear. Fitz nods and they turn towards the door. 

The diner they stop at on the way home is bright, but the lights are constant and the slowly rotating cheesecake in the display case is as familiar as it is inedible. Keefe breathes a sigh of relief. “That was terrible,” he says, taking a seat at the counter. Fitz laughs. 

“It really was, wasn’t it? I think most of the people there were highschoolers.”

Keefe nods, thanking the man behind the bar who’s handed him a burger. Fitz is drinking a strawberry milkshake.

“Honestly, I don’t want to go to high school if that’s what people are like.”

Fitz raises an eyebrow. “I don’t think you have much of a choice there, unfortunately.”

“Eh, I don’t know.” Keefe takes a bite of his burger, chewing thoughtfully. “I could always just get held back a year. Wouldn’t be too hard, with my track record.”

Fitz laughs again, bright and happy under the fluorescent lights. Keefe watches him, watches the way his eyes crinkle at the corners, the way his nose scrunches up. He’s beautiful. 

Beautiful. Where did that come from? 

(Sometimes, there are words that can’t be understood. Things that can’t be said out loud for fear of breaking them. Of breaking yourself. Sometimes there are realizations under bright-bright lights that you can never say.)

Beautiful.

Hmm. 

Shit. 

-/-

As it turns out, being in love with your best friend isn’t as hard as it sounds. 

Keefe hasn’t managed to get rid of his feelings, by tenth grade, but he’s managed to ignore them. Ignore the way his gut clenches whenever Fitz grins at him, ignore the flush that appears on his cheeks whenever their hands brush. Ignore, ignore, and hope Fitz ignores too. 

There’s less peer-grading in high school. Tests and projects are more important now, so the teachers grade them in most of his classes. 

Except in Spanish, because apparently the teacher just doesn’t care.

Keefe marks the last incorrect verb conjugation on Fitz’s test, doodling a tiny heart in the paper’s margin and handing the paper to the boy sitting across the aisle from him. Fitz glances at it, eyes narrowing slightly. Keefe knows that look- that’s his determined look. 

He’s not quite sure why Fitz would have something to prove right now, though. He scored a solid 97. Unless-

Shaking his head, Keefe forcefully directs that train of thought.

It comes crashing back in just a second, though, when Fitz hands him his graded test. 

100! It says at the top in purple pen. Do you want to get dinner with me? 

Keefe glances up and towards the other boy, who’s staring at the board as if it contains the secrets of the universe instead of the quiz answers. With shaking fingers, he writes a single word and passes the paper back. 

(Sometimes, there are words that can’t be understood. Things that can’t be said out loud for fear of breaking them. Of breaking yourself. Sometimes there are realizations under bright-bright lights that you can never say.)

(And sometimes, there are notes written in multicolored pens, years and years of silent conversations. A message on top of a Spanish quiz that promises something amazing. Sometimes, there is a word, unspoken but still heard.)

Yes. 

(Sometimes, a lavender-inked note is all you need.)

[nomazee]

scatterbrain

bokuto koutarou x reader

word count: 2200+

content: fluff, friends-to-lovers, pining bokuto, ooc bokuto.

(i’m in such a bokuto mood rn so i wrote this!! i did NOT expect this to get this long but oops!!

bokuto is probably,,,VERY ooc in this but this is really just self-indulgent fluff!! hope you enjoy! <3)

(also!!! quick reminder!! my requests are open!! my request rules can be found linked in my navigation which is my pinned post!! feel free to request <3)

☾.:°∗★.:☆:.★∗°:.☽

contrary to popular belief, bokuto thinks. he thinks a lot. granted, a lot of his thoughts are devoid of any deep meaning, like the possibility of taming a wild owl and keeping it as a pet, or the question of whether he should get two or three meat buns after practice. 

bokuto thinks a lot. he knows this. his mind gets very cluttered sometimes with various random topics. that’s why when his mind started becoming a cohesive conversation of one solid topic, something was wrong. very wrong. 

he started thinking about you. a lot. 

when he first realized it, he figured he should look into it--find out what caused him to have his mind flooded with thoughts of you, your smile, your eyes, your hair, your hands, your voice and nose and lips--

then he realized that he already knew very well why he thought of you so often. 

almost comically, he smiled to himself and thought, “well, i guess that’s that!” and resolved to never approach the subject again. confident as he could be on the court, bokuto was sure that if he ever tried to take action about his feelings, the result was sure to be disastrous. it was best to stay away from any fantasies of his. 

that was hard to do, though, when you seemed to occupy both his thoughts and his day-to-day life. 

you were in the same class--that was just his luck--and while you weren’t an official manager you had a tendency to stop by practice and watch the boys play while chatting with yukie and kaori until it was time to go home. 

(he also often walked you to the train stop. fate really made the stars align when he didn't want them to align.)

though, he had to owe it to fate for allowing your seats to be on separate sides of class. at the very least, he had that relief from the constant pressure he applied on himself absentmindedly whenever he was in your presence. 

during lunch, bokuto sped out of the classroom door and in a direction away from the cafeteria. you seemed to notice this quite quickly and darted to chase after him. 

bokuto felt a warm, firm hand on his shoulder and the distant scent of peppermint. he cursed himself for not walking fast enough and wondered if he could jump up with enough fervor to break through the ceiling. 

“hey,” you were smiling at him as you sidled up next to him. he was thankful he had your real expression right in front of him--the gentle image in his mind was fading by the minute and he appreciated the refresher. “where’re you going? i thought we were still eating lunch together?” 

right. lunch. eating. food. the empty feeling in bokuto’s stomach reminded him of the fact he’d skipped breakfast after thinking so hard about his feelings and what to do with them that too much time slipped away to let him eat something properly. 

“oh, yeah!” he forced a smile--”forced” wasn’t really the right term though, because with you everything flowed so naturally and so easily that he never had to force himself to do something. 

“i was actually planning on practicing a bit instead of going to the cafeteria.” your expression fell the slightest bit and he scolded himself internally for being the cause of even the mildest discomfort of yours. “i’m really sorry for not telling you! really sorry! i should’ve texted you or something. i’m sorry! but i’ll make it up to you if--” 

“bo!” your lightened expression was back and he, cheesily, melted at the sight. “it’s fine! i’m not angry at you. well, at least not for that. i’m just worried that you’re not eating lunch.” 

uh oh. his stomach didn’t feel that great. it felt like there were a bunch of wild, frantic insects in there that pushed and pulled at the tissue in an attempt to get out. he thought he needed to vomit. 

it was nice that you were worrying about him. you did that a lot. the reminder only made him feel lightheaded and briefly convinced that maybe it wasn’t a crush and actually just a really bad, persistent stomach flu that only flared up in the presence of the girl of his dreams. 

he spoke through a smile that he hadn’t even noticed appeared on his face so brightly. “it’s really sweet that you’re worried.” his words were hazy and lovestruck. midway through the interaction he stopped putting so much effort in hiding his adoration for you. he figured maybe you’d appreciate it one way or another, even if it was just to make fun of him in your head. “but i’m fine! no worries! i’ll make sure to eat when i get home, promise.” 

you gave him a nod, “promise,” and a quick wave and then you were off to the cafeteria. to eat lunch. would you be alone? when you both ate lunch together you didn’t really hang out with anyone else--as much as bokuto’s teammates offered to let you sit at their table, you were both perfectly content with just sitting in the presence of each other, alone. 

dreamily, his grin persisted on his face and his eyes grew glittery and unfocused before his lips dropped at another realization. 

you’d be alone. would you feel lonely? would you be mad at him for making you feel that way? 

he made it to the gym already by the time he realized that. maybe this time alone would let him settle his fluttering heart and compose himself so he could be conditioned to tolerate your presence more often without drifting away into a bunch of domestic daydreams. 

a sick feeling in his stomach persisted all through his spiking practice. it was less pleasant than before. his body temperature grew both from unease and the physical exertion caused by extra practice. 

maybe he really was sick. in one way or another. 

---

you showed up to the gym fifteen minutes into bokuto’s practice. the boys were still slowly getting ready, so you took the time to approach bokuto and hand him a small and weighty paper bag. 

“meat buns,” you told him, extending the package in his directions. “it’s not good to skip meals just to practice. you still have to eat!” despite the scolding tone, your face remained playful and taut in a smile. bokuto wondered if your cheeks every became sore from grinning all the time. as much as he didn’t want you in pain, he was willing to give you all the face massages you wanted as long as it kept you smiling at him so often. did face massages exist? were they a thing? he’d study the art of massage for you and develop a technique, whatever was necessary. 

“y… yeah…!” he responded dumbly. his was certain his face was unhealthily red as his body instinctively moved to wrap you in his arms. 

hugs were typical between you two. it wouldn’t be weird, right? oh well. too late to think about it, since you were already embraced in the warmth of his arms. 

“are you alright?” your voice came out muffled and gentle from the depths of his embrace and his heart fluttered at the way your voice rumbled through his chest. “you feel kinda warm.” 

he was warm? he thought you were way warmer than him. though maybe he meant that in a less physical sense. he couldn’t tell the difference anymore--not with you. 

“yeah, just kind of tired.” before he could ridicule himself at the fact that tired had no correlation to having a full-body flush, he continued to reassure you, “but i’m fine! i’ll make sure to take care of myself.” 

he felt your smile appear against the fabric of his shirt and wondered if it was weird that he was willing to die in that position. 

after a moment of relaxing in each other’s grasps (and ignoring the distant gossip of his teammates), bokuto pulled back with a grin, a nod, and the longing to press a kiss against your forehead. 

practice was good. it felt easier than it had been last week, though he probably owed that to the visit you paid him in the afternoon. he came to the conclusion that running from you just to “figure out his feelings” was stupid. he knew what he felt. he didn’t have a single clue what to do about it specifically, but thought that was fine. it felt good to be around you--he’d be stupid to let opportunities to spend time with you pass him by. 

---

apparently you sat with akaashi the day before, when bokuto was away from the cafeteria during lunch. he figured that out when he went to sit at your usual table only to find you accompanied by his setter. 

“bo! hey!” you greeted, pausing the ongoing conversation with akaashi. “i forgot to tell you, but akaashi’s sitting with us today. he sat with me yesterday so i just figured the three of us could start eating lunch together.” 

bokuto didn’t really think much of it. if anything, he was thankful that akaashi had kept you company and alleviated the ace of some of his lingering guilt from the day before. 

he had no qualms with having the duo become a trio for the period, and found himself enjoying the conversation floating between all of you. 

well. sort of. he didn’t really get to talk much with how exuberant you seemed to be with akaashi. it was nice to see you so happy and active with his friend, and the sight of your smile was enough to distract him from the unpleasant simmering of his stomach acid. 

for the most part. he had to excuse himself to the bathroom in the middle of class to splash cold water on his face and try to subdue the uncomfortable heat that was certainly not reminiscent of his previous warming adoration for you. 

despite how many times he urged you to go home early, you assured bokuto that you were fine with staying for his practice the whole time, ending your defense with a, “i really wanted to walk with you today!” and a smile that made him fall into your unintentional trap. 

true to your word, you walked to the train station with bokuto, boarding the same train. conversation was light and typical, but his leg kept bouncing and heart urged for him to say something before everything imploded under the pressure of his emotions. 

“are you dating akaashi?” great going, bokuto thought, the most discreet, subtle thing i could’ve possibly asked.

you blinked, and turned your gaze from your phone screen to him. you huffed out a lighthearted laugh and nudged your elbow into his ribs playfully. “of course not. we only really started talking yesterday. i wouldn’t date someone i barely know.” 

bokuto’s mind went on overdrive, the news coming as a deep relief for him and making him ignore the blaring reminders of potential consequences that flashed bright and red in his head. his mouth spilled words before he could logically think of what to say and figured letting his heart guide, as always, wouldn’t be a terrible choice. 

“so you’d date someone you do know? a lot? like a friend?” 

once again, his words weren’t discreet in the slightest, but he had tunnel vision pointed in your direction, covering you in a sheer golden light like you were the only thing that mattered in that moment--because you were. no need for detailed thought processes or pros and cons lists that he’d briefly considered making (“that’s what professionals do, right?”). 

your smile persisted, and he took that as a good enough sign to continue with his mindless stammering. 

though your voice interrupted his next outward train of thought, and he listened with the focus of a child watching a television screen. 

“what about this saturday? at noon? at that sweet little cafe near my house?” 

bokuto blinked. processed your words with an intensity unmatched, even compared to those times he had to write those stupid DBQs and analyze sources that were way too complicated for him to handle very well. 

you words were much easier for him to understand than college-level essays. much lighter, much sweeter, like agave syrup and orange zest. 

“yeah. this saturday. that’s… great.” 

bokuto wondered if it was possible to develop sudden onset asthma as you slid closer to his form, side pressed up against his in a way that felt much more meaningful than any casual touches from before. he lost his breath--felt like he dropped it--as you gave him a smile and let your hand casually fall against his. 

(he walked you all the way home, which he didn’t usually do, but today wasn’t really usual. you asked if you could kiss him, and in a fit of overwhelming emotions he blurted out “i thought i was supposed to do that?!” only for his words to be muffled by your lips on his. bokuto’s mind went silent for the first time in a long time, only filled with a gentle buzz and glimmering stars that made him feel warm and dizzy.)

[unproduciblesmackdown]

even more prompts catchup

April 5th: What was school like for you, or what is it currently like for you if you are still in school? Elementary, high school, post-secondary?

i Hate/d school lmfao......like i do Like To Learn and Know Shit, and of course Sometimes / on some occasions it was like, hey i'm having a good to pretty great time at school, but those were usually Special occasions or teachers going out of their way to give us you know, fun projects / go beyond the Standardized Testing curriculum, which natch they couldn't always do / did require sort of going Above & Beyond, rather than being the constant, guaranteed experience of like hooray for school......it's like, oh hooray re: the Play Scenes my fourth grade english class did that was like, an Extra thing, where we got to audition and i just had a great time like oh right, clearly Theatre in retrospect, or hooray re: the field trips, or projects we did In Class, since i hated homework.......i was always that accursed (i mean, not accursed for Me, but) combination of "really a terrible student but also gets great grades" lmao i forever do things Last Minute but like, when i was At school, in class, i'd just power through whatever work there was then & there usually, and in middle school would sometimes do hw on the bus, as i was the last on the bus route to be picked up in the morning or dropped off in the afternoon, but as soon as i got home i was in Home Mode and yknow. didn't just sit down and continue School Stuff asap. also hardly ever Studying unless it's the night / morning before a test lmfao but i had a great memory for that stuff, so studying that last minute was like "yep, i Do remember this from going over it 2 seconds ago" so yknow, despite hating school / no good Study Habits(tm) or anything, i did fine. i also read a ton, at home or at school and at any other point. so i was also like, quiet and generally ~well behaved~ or whatever lol (the like "how are kids (or anyone) supposed to stay focused and on task for 7+ hours a day..." thing), segue into next paragraph

i also remember like, 3 day a week preschool being the first time i was, you know, in some sort of School and also around other kids that much, i did have this sense that like, somehow there were Rules that i wasn't following, not re: Classroom Rules or something, but wrt socializing with peers, like that everyone else had something going on in how they interacted which i wasn't gonna get right, & i had this sense of like, not really being Allowed to interact lmao, even being 4 years old i have a few distinct memories re: this of like, a) choosing to play by myself in the classroom or when outside, and b) my "best friend" being the one person who just like, chose to hang out with me lmfao, but i was like oh cool Having A Friend lmao, like i didn't Not want to have friends, i was just already aware of like, i don't feel like i can just up and interact w/these people and i don't feel like they want me to, and c) re: that being aware of whatever Rules Of Interaction existing and that i wouldn't meet them / abide by them and thus there'd be some kind of repercussion for not meeting those rules, and not being allowed, i remember that like. there was this other indoor playspace in the lower level and there were toys i wanted to play with but Refrained from, and it was like, why did 4 yr old me get the idea i Wasn't Really Allowed, and most of what i can theorize is that it was like, well other kids might want to play with that, and the Normal / Better kids should get priority lmao, and/or being nervous that it just might otherwise lead to some sort of Interaction i wouldn't feel ready for.....and d) sitting at a table with like whatever 4 or 5 other kids or something and amongst ourselves someone was like "oh put your foot in the middle if you're [x]" and i tried to join in on a technicality lmfao and also just in, you know, active efforts to be Participating with these other kids on their terms, and it did not pay off, something that repeated uhhhhh, forever i guess lol. insert that post like can allistic people be normal for 5 seconds.....

like in elementary school i wasn't really making friends either, incredibly, i was Amicably Tolerated by many people then & like, again also at any point after at least lmao (and it helps that i was generally in teachers' good graces, not that i narced on anyone ever, but i had like, my Niche as the Academically Successful One, and also i was the kid who draws, another shoutout to some post and tweet about how being The Drawing Kid was like, some measure of respect but also disdain lmfao...) and sometimes people would again like. choose to interact with me repeatedly, and i'd sort of be nonplussed at best b/c it's like, okay thanks but in this situation i didn't Choose this any more than i choose [Trying to be in the group but being rejected/excluded], so it's kinda weird, i was friends with someone for a few years in elementary school but we just were Coincidentally in the same class for those years, when we were in different classes in 3rd or 4th grade and just weren't seeing each other it fizzled out, in middle school i made another couple friends where we were all being Funny lmao, but i didn't go to high school, so once again we weren't seeing each other, and [At School] was where i always had most Interactions with people, didn't see people much outside of school even if we were hanging out / being friends During school, for [a whole tangent] reasons, so. guess the good news is i'm still in touch / friendly acquaintances with some people from school from college, but even then, there was Some more social success or whatever, but not all That much, and i was still unhappy like, not having many friends, often being like "i'm going to the cafe a block away b/c i have no social occasions here and i want to get out of the dorm / be around people," that if i was with more than one other person i could end up the third wheel friend lmao or nobody is paying attention when you talk or oh no i put myself out there hanging with a friend group but maybe people thought you were a joke or something, thanks. smh

and that like, speaking of college, i went early but this was, for my part, truly primarily driven like "well i hate school so if i can Not go to high school, okay" and like, while i got in and everything it was still like "tf is college, i've never known what i Want To Do so i wonder if i'll figure this out, but i'm not expecting to last past the first semester / year b/c this is college and i'm a terrible student actually lol" but then turns out i kept doing well enough like A's & B's like oh woops i guess i'm still here, then, hope i can figure out what tf "credit hours" means (finally did lol).....then sophomore year was a bunch of just Agonizing over "what tf do i major in," something i never figured out, wherein i might bring something up & it got parentally shot down like "never heard you talk about that" like what tf Did you hear me talk about? are you thinking i had my life figured out by age 9, b/c i didn't think that, i'm only 15/16 even Now, even being the Regular college age it's like, nobody's figuring their life out then. also i didn't tell my parents things, so. and then i settle on something that sure, Might've been of interest, but also it was like, a) a program that barely existed and req'd taking classes at a like 30 min away campus and also the head of department had Just retired and the most heinous teacher in the related fields was now in charge, brilliant and b) the sort of thing you'd just wanna start taking prerequisites for like as soon as you set foot on campus, like, great. and c) i was like, hardly feeling all the Academic Ambition anyway b/c i never had, b/c i hate/d school, and b/c i still didn't Know what i wanted to major in, and i was stressed n depressed and also realizing oh right, i'm not cishet, and oh right, i'm never going to get along with my family b/c [long tangent] reasons and that's kind of concerning, here i am impending Being 18 and like, how do i get out of this b/c it's becoming clearer that i'm not just gonna start getting along with the 'rents now that i'm not an elementary schooler and also now that i'm realizing the Reasons being at home sucks. guess i learned stuff in college lol but also it was like, the experience of getting to be Away From Home and existing every day without parents literally / figuratively over my shoulder at some point every day, and getting to do shit on my own and figure things out while Not At Home.....i also had a lot of fun taking a couple classes from this one music prof lol. he was this weird really enthusiastic and really knowledgeable guy lmao like great, these evening classes where we go over to the arts building and he plays things on the piano off the cuff and tells a lot of tangential stories while we're learning about like, beethoven technically, or folk music. didn't need those classes but they were great, i've had these teachers who were totally into whatever they were teaching and had a great time with that

also acknowledgment to the fact i was a No Extracurriculars person all through school, k thru 6 and college alike really, although i took dance class for that k thru 6 period, just that was separate from school actually (and another fun "being away from home" thing and Theatresque performance thing i enjoyed) but besides that it was like, how do i figure out what i want to do without committing to joining this whole thing, i don't know How to sign up for stuff really either, and it'd probably entail "asking for stuff" and needing to coordinate more rides and etc and that's just a hassle, and i wanna go home from school asap anyways, and then like, when it came to college, i was again at first thinking like "well idk what i'm doing and i hate homework so i'll probably mess it up in this first year anyways" and figured that doing anything Extra outside classes was just gonna be too much, and also, it's like, i've never been in these kinds of groups before and why am i gonna start in college, where there'll probably be all these people who Have done this stuff before, and are also 18? e.g. even though it was like "hey you're away from home and don't have to ask/tell anyone else anything to do this club stuff or whatever!" supposed ideal environment for trying stuff out, it was like, maybe i'm theoretically interested in auditioning for the fall theatre production, but the last acting experience i had was like, "2 month drama class in middle school" or "that 4th grade [section of a] play" so like, not really Any education or experience or Training re: any of that stuff, and a bunch of 18 yr olds who might've, or [age peers] who were theatre people who had already done stuff so they weren't getting Lead Roles or anything but they were getting cast / taking classes / joining an a capella group while i'm like right on, i'm over here with some sort of Grade Honor Society (??) saying my gpa qualifies me to join and be able to experience some further academic rigor/requirements lmfao and i'm like absolutely not. get away lol. anyways so bit of a chaotique Post K12 Zone Education Experience there lmfao, all kinds of things i'd Like to Learn and even take classes on, but didn't like, right i love learning languages but never took classes, love math and shit but only got to a certain level of calc and even then seemed to miss some Lore, never did anything re: theatre, etc and so on. so you wonder if some advantages re: high school would be like, more chances for those extracurriculars (or regular curriculars) but, as though i wouldn't have the same qualms about getting in on any of it, and as if i wouldn't've still hated school but also still been at home, F. and i think people can be a lot more normal to each other when it's college and you're Not stuck in one building together 8 hours a day lmao, got some gentle "occasional Bullying style attention" in middle school, but had juuust enough like, [that Niche of good grades / kid who draws] and people who Were friendlier to me that it was you know, unpleasant, but didn't have to be that huge a deal, and then i was outta there soon enough. also, in college many people are 18 or older, as opposed to 11 to 13. anyways the rest of my school story was that in the end the problems were "i don't know what i want to major in and also now's a worse time than ever b/c i've realized my existence At Home is untenable, and naturally i am quite depressed & stressed about things, and i gotta say absolutely virtually every adult presence was either totally unhelpful to Counterproductive here lmao, like, not much anyone could do really but it's helpful when someone is like, i'll treat you like a person vs simply just going 'uh why are you not doing the academic stuff good enough'" lmfao like. the whole time Not having friends i'd wanna talk to through class and happening to get good grades in part b/c i somehow Could as easily as i did and also i was afraid of getting C's or worse b/c "tfw i wasn't even yet in a grade that gave you A thru F grades yet but my older sister caught shit for getting a C

like :/" and etc means adults are like My Student Is Fine, and also, what are you gonna do even if they aren't, i guess. i just had to figure out completely for myself Why and How i really wasn't Fine and that was quite difficult and also took a long time. then there was a mutual prank of "i drop out of college at the tail end of things" and "now i have to be at home with parent/s more resentful of your obvious Waywardness (insert: not being cishet, and the fact it occurs to me that my being autistic was always causing 'problem' behavior i was getting shit for like, the whole time lmfao, even if nobody knew / labeled it like oh this is for ND reasons, or if it was both true i tried to come out (smh, thought i Had to b/c that was part of Not Being Cishet) and it was simply ignored / unaddressed and yet it sure fueled further specific resentment of my not Performing Gender properly, or "worse," so that went well, in that i eventually abruptly left and did not maintain contact, in the interest of "the levels to which i was thriving was like, that if i bailed and like died 50 hrs later it'd still be what i want to do," true to that i did not / don't regret it. and what do you know, i was first able to bail to a relatively nearby friend from college's home, whose family also liked me lmao. shoutout to school still being where i made Any friends, except a friend i made who was a coworker of several years. and Online Friends, which, another school connection, that like, i can more readily Connect w/people via talking about interests, something that happened Sometimes at school in person lmao but not much, but also that i Talk About Interests in a way through Drawing, which, well shoutout to doodling in the margins of papers throughout school lmfao, it didn't hurt! that's my saga.

oh and that footnote, i also really enjoyed the "in middle school you either take language classes or 4 Electives you rotate through each year" and those electives sure featured some more varied and hands on activities i had a great time with. shoutout to like, cooking, and to shop class, my Car Designs were great apparently, idk how. shoutout to my Intuition re: engineering or something lmaoo.....very fun to just end the schoolday in that big garage space where you could actually open that garage door right to where all the buses were, beautiful. Oh, and that's another footnote, when my last class of the day in 8th grade was english, i'd sometimes finish work early and my teacher would let me go to our spacious library, with the v nice librarian who'd recommend books to me she thought should be checked out more often b/c she knew i liked to read that much, and also just generally had teachers / other adult staff kinda wandering in at the end of the day, talk about "i don't really relate to other ppl my age" where i did generally prefer to be around adults, so that was fun. oh and also shoutout to hating school lmao wherein during like, middle school when the schoolday started at like 7:30am or smthing disgusting and i just learned to like, view whatever time it was in a "at least it's almost [x]" like well okay, first period is math and that kinda sucks but at least once it's over this hardest part of the day will be over, then next class is kinda more chill at least, and then it'll be the last period before lunch, etc etc etc where i could sort of keep up that stamina like telling myself at any point it was Almost [a more encouraging time of day] lmao like. kinda fucked up to have to be dragging yourself through the weekdays like that, but

Oh! goddamn and i didn't even get into that if i ever got in ~trouble~ in elementary school it was stuff like Not Paying Attention, but where half the time that might be some other kid beside me messing around lmfao and i'm not gonna be like "uhhh follow the rules!!!" (and that even when i was In Trouble like go sit in the chair where you have to be quiet there for like 10 min i might say something to some other kid in that zone and they'd be like "um it's the quiet chair you have to be quiet!!" or "uh we're getting into the next lesson and you have to put that book back asap" like wow these other kids are dweebs about Rules lmfao) and there'd just be times like, it's 1st grade and i know how to read pretty well already but we're going over the alphabet like stoppp i know the Phonics already........or the ways ND people can kind of Intuit some stuff more successfully, like in third grade learning multiplication i neverrrrr studied but just broke it down like, okay i remember the Fives b/c of telling time, i know the 2x table and stuff, i know the commutative property, if we're all the way at the 8x and i haven't Memorized stuff, i can still like, break it down to say, [5 x 8] + [8 x 2] or something when i see 8 x 7, even if it takes a second lmfao.......and stuff like the tragedy of when i Did make a friend in like, 2nd grade, who i think we didn't even talk to each other ever?? i was playing legos or smthing by myself once during Indoor Recess and she just started playing agreeably along with me, aka someone socializing on My Terms apparently as our Introduction, and we just were friends past that but one time, not even during a Lesson Session, we were messing around quietly making each other laugh as the incredibly important process of "put papers in your folders" was going on, and since we were Not Paying Attention for some reason the teacher made a whole example of it where i had to carry my desk across the classroom for the Shaming Element of it and also so that i had to permanently sit way further from that friend, so that was kind of discouragement re: interacting at all. thank you to that teacher, who'd later once Gesticulate to me from across the gym that i should put my arms down at my sides rather than being crossed (we were rehearsing some class performance) & i had no idea what she was trying to convey, so afterwards she told me i had to have Reduced Recess Time or some shit because of Ignoring her instead of putting my arms down lmfao. and i was irritated at having been misinterpreted / my Intentions dictated to me and punished like that, but i was also used to it from adults lmfao and did not bother explaining myself lol like yeah god forbid i left my arms crossed on purpose and now i have to read some more during recess. tl;dr school has so much nonsense & i def had some Times re: being autistic & also just being someone who hated school forever lmao, think it was Also 2nd grade where one arbitrary sunday night i just cried out of frustration at having to go back for another normal school week. classic. oh and that also, while i wasn't like "oooo booksmart people who hate not having a Definitive Correct Answer to things &/or ohhh autistic ppl So Good at math, in a way everyone hates and disrespects, but they suck at Literature/Arts which requires you to reflect on humanity and shit," like, not only was i the drawing kid but i was also apparently ahead of the curve as it were at like, Literary Analysis lmfao where there was a few times in elementary school i'd be the kid providing the Interpretation like "what's this poem about / what's the theme or Symbolism in this story," but from elementary school to college it's like, for god's sake don't ask me to come up with a story / work with some really open ended prompt, i don't Invent in that way, and when i try to draw on Inspiration i'll get stuck on some specific source and be unable to do anything but just rip it off really lmao. but then again i was prolific in "it's 1st grade and you write and illustrate a little short story or smthing in these booklets

that we then have a simple little binding process for" like ohhh fancy, i got a tootsie roll lollipop at Awards Time for writing a shit ton of those lol. but that's like, when you're too young to have that much of a Creative Process anyways lmao. but then, my older sister, whose Thing was writing, has an incredible 2 Volume like, noir mystery saga from those elementary school times, it's a classic lmao. anyways once again so much to say about School lol closing the door after meandering on that one for this long lol

April 6th: Are you able to drive? If so, was it difficult to learn? What was difficult about it? If not, do you use any alternatives?

i did learn to drive, tbh just universally it's like, at any point you're driving there's A Lot to pay attention to at once, even if you think you're Good At That or whatever, which i sure don't think i always am lol, and it's pretty wild we just, you know, let everyone go around as fast as they want in machines that can kill you or someone else, and this is also Unnecessary b/c like, let's have accessible & reliable public transit so that everyone can travel without Needing to have a car / someone else who will drive them. i didn't think i had too much trouble learning to drive, but it had to help that i just took it very seriously from the start lmao like, well, i'm quite aware i could kill someone with this. the driving classes i took were alright, i remember the instructor being pretty chill and friendly lol. rip to the fact i could be tense when driving with parent/s, when driving a manual i'd always like screech the tires when accelerating out of a Stop, until all at once it was like "and i'm driving that manual car alone on a road trip & wouldn't you know it, only literally once did i have that issue of not getting out of a stop smoothly enough" lmao like the Anxiety......really like yeah i had an alright time learning and think i'm solid enough at driving / like doing it, theoretically, but Driving Is Wild just in general and let's have that public transit

April 7th: How are you with sarcasm and/or metaphors/figures of speech? Do you interpret things very literally?

i think i Usually get what people mean with these Devices but i can't really say lol, but anytime you know, someone is being more Implicit in what they say, plenty of times i can infer one implication and only later realize they probably meant a different one, or yknow, i make whatever initial inference i make and can be stuck like "???" and have to like, mentally run diagrams about the interaction lol......meanwhile i'm not always remembering that like, if i'm shifting context mentally that's necessarily able to be inferred by whoever i'm talking to lol, whether it's about getting into some adjacent topic or like, i don't think it tends to be very clear even in person when i've started being sarcastic lmao, like i know that can be true for anyone but it's like well, guess i gotta make it clearer i'm doing a bit......flipside of that or something lmao that people are more Obvious than they think they are sometimes about like, idk, when someone is sort of making some sarcastic remark to you but the sarcasm is also sort of only to themself, aka just like okay i know you mean this more dismissively / disparagingly than re: what you're saying just at face value lol like. just always fun >:/

[plutoswrath]

Hey how’s your day? Have you eaten good? Did you listen to dark clouds today(if not pls stream it my bubu deserves the world)

SO,,,,,,,,I have my sun in cancer(1stH) and moon(12h),mercury(1 H) Venus(12h)and rising in gemini also pisces mars&mc(9h) , cancer saturn in the 1h also... also two steuillm(idk how to write it lol) in both of my 9H(neptune Uranus and mars) and my 1H (sun mercury and saturn) also i have Jupiter in leo in the 3rd house (also my Venus and moon and acs opposite of my sag pluto in the 6H)

Growing up i have never been attached to people around me(?) like i love my family and they are the ones I always get attached to but when it comes to my friends I don’t actually care if they didn’t talk to me i mean im not gonna claim i am a good friend but I really appreciate privacy for myself and other ( and i fear if i asked them they will say i am too nosy ) and tbh I always didn’t like to talk to my friends cause ‘what if i suck At having a good conversation with them and they will get bored with me” , and I noticed people around me don’t really know my interest they just assume that i am “good at art” 💔 even though i know i do art just to do it as a personality trait...

I never tried to get to know people better because i will always know them from the first conversation like “how they will react to certain things and their insecurities and problems”, don’t ask me how but I always been this way, i know what people actually feel from their eyes, but when it comes to me no one understands me like even my sister told me “your eyes look emotionless” and I agree I don’t have the ✨spark✨.

And I might as well add that you don’t have to answer this, i have been extra lonely these days i just need to write anything about my emotions about my self and how i suck at being a decent person and talker.

Hello! My day just started, so nothing happened yet, but yes I’ve eaten well, hope you did too! xx And of course I streamed Taeyongs new song, honestly I’m always so so excited when he shows his own stuff!!! Can’t wait for what’s to come next! <3 Also, I just want to mention that it’s totally fine that you write and you can feel free to start a conversation whenever you like! If you feel comfortable you can also use the messenger to write me directly but if you feel more comfortable on anon that’s totally fine of course! <3

To be very honest with you I feel like I should not trace all of your feelings back to your placements. I don’t want your problems that could be caused by external forces to look like they purely come out of you - and thus making your the source of your problems. Please keep that in mind, as I’ll continue to look at it from an astrological point of view!  I think one thing that can be said about cancer energy in general is that it’s always kind of ‘on and off’. Cancer is so emotionally in tune with everything that they can purposefully detach from their surroundings and own feelings. I think due to the stereotypes that are so widly spread people actually don’t know that cancer energy is mostly not very active and in your face - in fact the default setting is mostly very ‘laid back’, only retreating from the shell if feels safe to come out, triggered or they see a good reason for it. That being said, I think with your first house stellium in Cancer + your Saturn being in it  as well, it probably creates this heaviness around your perception of others, your feelings and how the world connects to you. Especially since it’s in Sun (your ego) and Mercury (your perception, communication and thinking) as well. Basically you could feel hyperaware of the those invisible bonds and dynamics. You yourself could feel very burdened by that, taking on all those peoples needs and meanwhile feeling very malnourished yourself. This can create pessimism and hoplessness, especially with Saturn in the 1st (here in Cancer), the outlook on yourself and your environment could be especially gloomy, you might not expect for people to reciprocate your efforts and get you. With your Moon in 12th, Pisces Mars and 9th house stellium, so a lot of mutuable energy adding to it, you could feel very out of touch with your surroundings as well. Your intuition and sensitivity is heightened, you might feel like there is no ‘real form’ to you at times and thus it’s even harder to give people a solid idea of yourself. To ground the self and practice mindfullness might help here, but of course this might not fully relate to the actual reality to your problems, I’m not trying to diminish them of course.  Still, I think that the heavy water and mutuable energy might put you in a constant state with being out of touch and very into a moment and feeling at the same time, your Cancer stellium in the 1st with Saturn adding to it could make your empathetic abilities actually feel like a burden. You might need a lot of retreatment time in general, especially with Moon in the 12th as well, but it could also feel like getting lost if your stay in your secluded space for too long.  One personal insight I want to share though is - and again, this is not meant to put the burden on yourself but sometimes we need to be more aware of our own personal freedom of choice I believe - a common theme Cancers or people with profound Cancer energy in their chart will experience is all about ‘opening up’. Cancer is an enigma and I believe a wildly misunderstood and weirdly reconstructed sign because it doesn’t open up most of the time. I’m not trying to push you to anything but getting stuck in repetetive negative cycles can be common for a lot of Cancer people until they have gained enough experience to find a good balance and actual good intuition of when to be open and privat, because Cancers can easily fall into the extremes here (just like their sister Scorpio). I’m truly hoping for the best and I am sorry for the long rant! Take care x 

[schmuwuwu]

Let Me Love You - XiCheng FF

Pairing: Jiang Cheng|Jiang Wanyin x Lan Huan|Lan Xichen

There’s not really any spoilers to the novel/drama/donghua/manhua so please enjoy! For my friend who showed me a pic of Jiang Wanyin with puppies and so I used it as a prompt for this fanfiction.

Jiang Wanyin entered the room where he was directed from the front desk clerk. She had said that due to it being the busy tourist period, there was too little personnel working on the current production that featured him and thus there wasn’t anyone available to guide him there. He didn’t mind as he was tired at having prepared Yunmeng Jiang and the whole of Lotus Pier for the upcoming New Year’s celebrations. He was only here as his council and his right-hand man literally pushed him out of the gates of his sect before sending him off with good wishes on relaxing. At first, he couldn’t grasp how coming to an interview would help him relax. Even now, he couldn’t relax. Just by the busy atmosphere around him, he couldn’t help but worry about the preparations back home. What’s more, he was even more worried about who was going to interview him today. He had been blacklisted one too many times with the reason that he was too serious, too angry, too… frowny.

His scowl deepened as he remembered those dates. It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t change his personality. In fact, if the other party couldn’t accept his personality, there was no reason for them to marry at all. After all, he wouldn’t want a loveless marriage like his parents had and the constant disappointment that maybe he wasn’t what his wife always thought he was. That made him scowl even more. Women were such complicated beings, he concluded. He entered the room in deep thought and looked around. It wasn’t beautifully decorated like the lotus lakes back in Yunmeng, wasn’t pristinely pictured like the Cloud Recesses in Gusu, nor was it as extravagant as Koi Tower in Lanling. Of course, it wasn’t as moody and boring as the Unclean Realm in Qinghe. It was beautiful in its own right and even someone who was not talented in the arts such as Lan Xichen or Nie Huaisang could appreciate its unique beauty. Untalented in anything overall, he added on bitterly.

He glanced around. The furniture was simple, a table and a few seats, a few cabinets and some shelves lining the walls. The walls themselves were painted with faint motifs of the four great cultivational sects. The head of a beast for the Qinghe Nie, the white peony for the Lanling Jin, the cloud for the Gusu Lan and finally the nine-petalled lotus for the Yunmeng Jiang. He noticed that there were other sects’ motifs that were hidden between the spaces of the more dominant sects and realised that all four walls were representing different areas of the cultivation world; where each of the four dominant sects had conquered and the smaller sects that hid under their protection. He had also noticed there was no imagery of the Qishan Wen sect, which he wasn’t complaining off. In fact, his scowl lightened quite a few degrees after discovering this fact. None could blame him, seeing as how Yunmeng Jiang had one of the more devastating losses during Qishan Wen’s dominance over the whole entire country. He could still smell the flames as they rose up from the ground and suddenly they were all around him, burning the once-beautifully standing Lotus Pier. He could only watch in anger and resent, vision blurred through the curtain of tears and red, as the Yunmeng Jiang sect flags were torn from their flag poles, still half burnt, stomped to the ground and even trampled upon in disrespect.

He shook his head. He shouldn’t dwell on the past anymore. What mattered more was the present. And at present, he needed to worry about the interview. He went to seat on one of the provided seats at the table where tea and refreshments had been laid out. It was simple china but it was polished till he could see his own reflection on his face. Tilting his head from side to side, he couldn’t help but praise the maids for their effort in hiding the traces of long nights and lack of food in his face, Though his cheeks and eyes were still more hollow than ever before, the heavy eyebags had gone and there was slight colouring to his cheeks. Even his usually dry lips were moisturised and preserved so that they wouldn’t suddenly turn dry and crack in the middle of the interview. Though he originally felt uncomfortable at the thought of applying make-up on a male such as him, it didn’t feel unnatural to wear it on his face. In fact, he had taken a newfound liking to it and even newfound respect to maids or noblewomen for putting on such thick make-up every single day. He was already weary at having to sit still for more than 30 minutes in front of a mirror just to be told that his makeup was not even half the time of most women’s make-up regime. Even doing his hair took less than 10 minutes!

He poured himself a cup of tea and enjoyed the light refreshments that were served in variations. He had recognised them as the portrayed images of the four great sects. Lotus-flavoured obviously for Yunmeng Jiang-though he preferred desserts made back at Yunmeng; desserts made anywhere else were under-par with those served back home! A slightly herbal taste while refreshing for the Gusu Lan; he was more surprised that it wasn’t plain bitter or just tasteless. Unexpectedly, the tea complemented with this dessert the most. A fairly rich taste of expensive for Lanling Jin and a more impactful and forceful taste for Qinghe Nie. They were rotated with sour, bitter, salty, sweet and sometimes even spicy, acidic or even tasteless! Really, did they have to invent a tasteless flavour too? 

Time passed and by the time the interviewer had come, he was busy playing a game he made up to try and differentiate the different tastes. He even managed to play a game similar to bingo! It just showed how bored he really was.

“Uhm, Sect Leader Jiang?” a voice called out hesitantly.

He looked up from his small game and saw a young boy around the age of twenty. He had a tired face and looked as though he had pulled through as many nights as he did as a sect leader. He immediately felt pity for the boy; he wasn’t in any important positions in the whole world, even in the country, and yet he had to pull on as many hours working as him.

Seeing as Jiang Wanyin didn’t reply, he hesitantly said, “I sincerely apologise for having you wait for such a long time. I can only hope I can repay it with something if it’s within my abilities.”

He shook off the boy’s offer and said gently, “It is fine. It is not like I could make you wait in return.”

The boy was immediately relieved as he broke into a small smile. Sect Leader Jiang wasn’t as fearful as he had thought. Contrarily, however, the boy reminded Jiang Wanyin much of his sister for some odd reason. He couldn’t put his finger on it and he wasn’t in the mood to try. He merely took another dessert and drank another sip from his third cup of tea; he must admit it was quite good.

“Would you like to indulge yourself with more sweets?” the boy peeked at him.

“Oh, no,” Jiang Wanyin fumbled, draining the remaining tea. “They are quite enjoyable, however.”

The boy smiled, free of tension. “Then, if you would, please follow me to the next room where we will begin your interview.”

Jiang Wanyin nodded and stood up to follow the surprisingly brisk boy. The other room was a little ways from his waiting room but it was relatively a replica, albeit smaller. The same walls adorned the different motifs of different sects and it was furnished relatively the same way. Pasted on the walls were different talismans. He peeked at them and could guess they’re vaguely for enclosing the sounds within these four walls and a few other spells scrawled to record their voices for future references. There was also another spell scrawled in the middle of the table on a white cloth with the exact same purpose. He went ahead to sit down on the table where there was already the interviewer seated. He was looking up and down a large stack of notes and occasionally looked up to see if a new communication talisman had arrived. He looked stressed and even to Jiang Wanyin, he looked way overworked, though he wasn’t in any position to judge himself. As he seated himself, the interviewer in front of him suddenly looked at his direction dumbfounded. A look of realisation dawned when he finally remembered why the esteemed Sandu Shengshou would come to their humble offices.

“Sandu Shengshou, sir! I apologise for being unable to meet you in person and for having you wait for a long time!” he squawked.

Jiang Wanyin raised an eyebrow.

The interviewer stumbled, “If—if it is alright with you, we can start whenever you are ready. The preparations have been done…”

Jiang Wanyin, though he understood the poor interviewer’s position, was starting to get annoyed. Was he really that feared? It wasn’t as if he was going to raise a hand on unarmed people. Well, he wouldn’t spare anyone of his sharp tongue though.

“But.”

The interviewer startled, “But something is holding up the last party and so we will need to wait for them…”

Jiang Wanyin stared at him dubiously. “Them?”

“Uh, yes, sir. Them.”

The interviewer answered just as a communication talisman entered the room and stopped in front of him. Jiang Wanyin could care less of what was about to happen. Though he was grateful for the extra time to eat more snacks. He poured tea in his newly given cup and stayed oblivious to the conspicuous sneaking around of the interviewer. Well, it was more of he couldn’t give a shit. When he finally looked at the interviewer after finishing his short but very much relaxing teatime, suspicion was written all over his body. His demeanour changed fully. He was no longer nervous or glancing around the room but was now smiling widely and was even sitting closer to the table right to his face. He even had his hands on the table as though anticipating something from Jiang Wanyin. He was staring at Jiang Wanyin with eyes full of adoration and worship. Jiang Wanyin could feel a chill down his back. Somehow, he felt that they were familiar. Too familiar.

He cleared his throat. “Are we going to start? I’d appreciate if my time is not wasted much more than this already has.”

The interviewer nodded and pulled out his notes, the movement looking very elegant. Too elegant. Jiang Wanyin stared down on him and reaffirmed the tugging feeling in the back of his mind. He cautiously watched as the interviewer asked the questions.

“Alright, sir. If you could, please introduce yourself, your name and titles, if you would?”

Jiang Wanyin gave him a long stare but the interviewer didn’t even quake, it even looked as though his smile grew bigger. That smile was unsettling. Too unsettling. As though Jiang Wanyin should be anticipating something very detestable after this interview was over. Or maybe even during.

“Jiang Cheng, courtesy name Jiang Wanyin. Sect leader of Yunmeng Jiang and holder of title Sandu Shengshou,” he said slowly.

He expected another intimidatingly familiar reaction but all he got out of the other person was a nod and him writing a few lines in his notes.

“Next question, do you like dogs?”

Jiang Wanyin, “Yes, I do.”

The interviewer beamed at him before opening the door to the room. Jiang Wanyin could only look on curiously as a trail of people entered the room, carrying something in their arms. The first person went up to him and deposited a round white object into his lap. He looked at the unknown object with curious eyes. The object moved and a pair of curious eyes met with his. He only then realised that it was a puppy. He was pleasantly surprised as he was quickly surrounded by multiple puppies that were brought in by the staff. His clothes were quickly dishevelled and his hair was mussed out of its usual tight bun. He was quickly caught up in the puppies’ tireless energy and was overwhelmed. He could barely keep a grin off his face and would occasionally be attacked by a barrage of small but sloppy tongues. He happily accepted the sudden bombardment of the small and cute puppies. His shoulders immediately lost their usual tension and his signature frown on his face had completely disappeared. He had a relaxed face and constantly moved his upper body to account for every single puppy who demanded his attention. 

Everyone in the room held their breaths at this moment of weakness. The Sandu Shengshou had his guard down. And it was so easily accomplished by the appearance of dogs. There was a warm and fluffy atmosphere surround Jiang Wanyin, as though encompassing him in this very joyous haven that he could enjoy alone. They could see the small but innocent smile of his face and even the slight tint of pink in his cheeks. His eyes were soft and were looking at the puppies with tenderness. They could not believe at this blessing to see a side of the notoriously infamous Sandu Shengshou. A man who was ruthless and merciless towards his enemies and could make one’s blood run cold at a mere glance. They could only savour this rare, if not once in a blue moon, side of Jiang Wanyin.

Suddenly, it had felt as though the room chilled. A murderous intent lurked into the four walls of the room. The staff members could only look towards the only other involved person in the room; the interviewer. He was glaring intensely at the small puppies that hang off Jiang Wanyin’s arms and occasionally looked at the staff members, harbouring a stiff smile and cold, lifeless eyes. They could only gulp in fear and quickly shuffled out of the room, afraid of their lives. Once outside, they quickly ran away as far as they could, informing every personnel not to enter the room until further notice before collapsing and thanking the Gods that they made it out alive.

Inside, Jiang Wanyin was fully oblivious to the on-goings of possible murder. Even more, his guard was fully down. He had put aside Zidian and Sandu for fear of harming the puppies due to their playfulness and his inability to occupy every single one of them. He was constantly kept busy by switching between multiple puppies who lay around his body as though they were worshipping him. Being in such a blissful situation, he didn’t realise when a certain someone snuck up from behind him, only realising when he was finally encased in someone’s warm embrace.

“Wanyin.”

Jiang Wanyin turned around, expecting it to be the interviewer but was met with the familiar dazzling smile of Lan Xichen.

“Sect leader Lan?” he squawked in surprise. “What are you doing here? Where are the rest of the people?”

He looked around quickly only to realise now that they were the only ones in the room. His sight landed back onto Lan Xichen.

“I am unsure of what happened to those pitiful people. However, I don’t assume that you have something for me?”

Jiang Wanyin stared at him dubiously. “I don’t recall having anything to give you.” He frowned.

Lan Xichen only looked at him expectantly and seeing his serious eyes, he proceeded to bait him.

“See, I heard you liked dogs…”

Jiang Wanyin nodded in agreement.

“But you are also notorious for not liking people…”

Jiang Wanyin impatiently snapped. “So, what is your point, Sect leader Lan?”

Lan Xichen sighed. “Now, now, Wanyin. Have we not agreed just the other day to drop formalities? Call me Lan Huan.”

The pink in Jiang Wanyin’s cheeks grew deeper. “We never agreed to! You went ahead and made it up yourself!”

He tutted. “But you didn’t complain about it, so I had taken it upon myself to call you so.”

Jiang Wanyin couldn’t retort. It was true; he didn’t really hate it when Lan Xichen called him by his name. Although… He shook his head. No, no! He wasn’t just trying to imagine Lan Xichen calling him by his birth name. Not at all!

Seeing as he didn’t answer, Lan Xichen proceeded to pout. “Well, if you dislike it this much, I will immediately cease calling—”

“No, no! You can!” Jiang Wanyin was flustered and refused to meet Lan Xichen’s eyes. “I—I mean, you can call me however you wish to.”

Lan Xichen’s face immediately brightened. “Then, I shall take up your offer, A-Cheng!”

Jiang Wanyin’s heart stilled before beating at Mach 20 speed. A-Cheng! Lan Xichen’s voice was looping in his head and he couldn’t stop the heat that spread from his cheeks all the way to his ears. He didn’t even notice when Lan Xichen’s arms circled around his waist and were snuggled comfortably at the nook of his hips. He sat closer to him, his chest now coming into contact with his back. At the sudden contact of warmth, Jiang Wanyin was immediately snapped out of his daze.

“A-Cheng, do you like me?” Lan Xichen breathed into his ear. Jiang Wanyin couldn’t help but shiver, his nerves tingling at the low rumble.

“O—Of course, I mean, Sect leader Lan is very likeable…”

“Not like that, A-Cheng.” His mouth was dangerously close to Jiang Wanyin’s neck now and he couldn’t stop his trembling and the feeling of longing. He unconsciously leaned back towards that inviting warmth but was quickly dragged to reality when Lan Xichen immediately drew back and stood up. He stared up at him dumbfoundedly.

“There is no need to think so seriously, Wanyin. After all, I have no obligation to rush for an answer right now.”

Jiang Wanyin stared after him as Lan Xichen walked dejectedly towards the door. Jiang Wanyin could have sworn he saw a pair of ears and a long tail droop down in accordance. He couldn’t ignore his demand now and hesitantly opened his mouth.

“Y—Yes…l—like…” he whispered softly.

Lan Xichen immediately perked up. “I’m sorry, would you care to repeat that?”

“Yes! I like you, Lan Xichen!”

Jiang Wanyin’s face was on fire and he immediately avoided Lan Xichen’s gaze when he turned to look at him. In all honesty, Lan Xichen didn’t need him to repeat his answer as his trained ear could pick out any of Jiang Wanyin’s clear voice, brimming with emotion. His uncut anger when he spouts out complains, his curt responses when he brutally gives his opinion, his sorrow-filled whispers as he voices out his regrets, the carefree laughter as he let go of his restraints and smiled freely, the shy and embarrassing responses to his words of love… Lan Xichen loved it all. His open and direct character drew him in. He who could only wear a smile through thick and thin could only watch in wonder at this rare gem that had coincidentally been sent to his doorstep. A gem laden with pain and longing, hurt by what he lacked but scorned the idea of weakness. He was attracted to that strength. An imperfection with an obvious flaw.

And despite Jiang Wanyin’s constant criticisms to his self, Lan Xichen, a man who was born to be perfect, born raised to be perfect, expected to be perfect, could only find this imperfection beautiful. That someone who was so self-deprecating about his flaw was this powerful and successful. 

“Thank you, A-Cheng.”

Jiang Wanyin startled as Lan Xichen held him to his chest.

“F—For what? I didn’t do anything,” he said.

“No, you did.” But I’ll save the explanation for later.

Jiang Wanyin stilled, unused to being embraced, before surrendering and leaned into Lan Xichen. Lan Xichen could feel a smile spread and tightened his hold on Jiang Wanyin, forcing them to press even closer. Jiang Wanyin was flustered and tried to push with his hands on Lan Xichen’s chest. He stopped his futile attempt when he felt Lan Xichen’s lips back on his neck.

“W-w-w-w-what are you doing?!”

Lan Xichen sighed, his hot breath making Jiang Wanyin unable to resist the shiver down his back and his rapid heartbeat. “Well, it seems as though my A-Cheng is being needy so I wanted to pamper him…”

He sighed again. “Alas, it seems that I was merely speculating…”

He trailed off dramatically. Jiang Wanyin could never get used to his antics and thus it caused his anger to spike up. “Who said I needed pampering?!”

“Hmm… I am unsure of that myself but I heard you were going to celebrate the New Year by yourself, since Young Master Jin — oh, should I be saying Sect Leader Jin, now? — has gone off to celebrate with some of my disciples.”

Jiang Wanyin impatiently replied. “Well, yes. That has been happening since recent years so I am used to celebrating alone. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to me.”

Lan Xichen turned his head and looked at Jiang Wanyin, resting it on his shoulder.

“I am merely upset that you didn’t feel that it was necessary to invite me to celebrate with you.”

Jiang Wanyin opened his mouth to retort only to stop when he met Lan Xichen’s eyes. Oh God, the eyes. He could even swear that the dog ears were back, drooping down flat onto the sides of his head. It wouldn’t be presumptuous for him to assume that the tail was also back.

“It—It wasn’t as though I didn’t want to…” he looked away from Lan Xichen.

“But you’re not looking at me… so you really don’t want to celebrate with me…” he could hear the sadness in his voice.

He was quite certain that it was feigned but he really couldn’t bring himself to push away the older sect leader.

“… Fine. You can celebrate it with me.”

Lan Xichen immediately lit up and released his hold on Jiang Wanyin, sliding his hand into his and pulling him towards the exit.

“W—wait, where are we going??” Jiang Wanyin exclaimed in bewilderment.

“First things first, we are going to be a family!” Lan Xichen excitedly replied.

Although he was at the mercy of the Lan superhuman, even for cultivators, strength, he still stubbornly resisted being dragged across the room to the door. “What do you mean family?? Aren’t we technically already?”

Lan Xichen stopped and turned to face him. “You… Don’t want to be family?”

Oh, for fuck sakes! “Alright, alright, yes, I do! Happy now?”

Lan Xichen smiled again and before Jiang Wanyin could retaliate, he was picked up into Lan Xichen’s arms who proceeded to exit the building merrily. Jiang Wanyin knew there was no use in fighting a Lan and could only hide the growing embarrassment he felt with anger.

“Can you at least tell me where we are going and what we are going to be doing?”

Lan Xichen merely looked straight ahead and smiled. “Lotus Pier should be empty due to the New Year, so we shall be going there and become family!”

There was a slight tone of pride as though he was patting himself on the back for thinking of such a smart idea. Jiang Wanyin immediately picked up on it and his face darkened when he realised what Lan Xichen had been hinting at.

“Don’t tell me.”

“That’s right! We shall make love, my dear A-Cheng!”

“Lan Xichen, you—”

“Lan Huan.” 

He sighed, exasperated. “L—Lan Huan, we don’t have to rush into it, do we? You already told your uncle that you would abstain!”

Lan Xichen nodded. “Indeed. Abstain till you agreed to it. Which you did.”

His scowl deepened. “You planned for this, didn’t you?!”

Lan Xichen only chuckled lightly.

With nothing else to entertain him during the journey back home, he decided to provoke the Lan.

“Were you in the room when I got there?” Lan Xichen hummed in agreement.

“Were you the one who organised the interview?” A shake of his head.

“How did I not notice you when I entered the room?” His smile grew wider. He was certainly playing hard to get that’s for sure.

“Was the whole interview just a sham?” A hum.

“Did you switch places with the interviewer?” A hum.

“Did you— Wait… You switched places with the interviewer?”

Lan Xichen nodded and finally looked down at him. “Yes, I did, A-Cheng.”

Jiang Wanyin finally realised as to why the interviewer was questionably familiar. “You… Did you use that new spell that you constructed just recently?”

Lan Xichen beamed at him despite his ploy being out in the open. “Yes, I did! A-Cheng, you’re very smart!”

Jiang Wanyin snorted. “I’m not smart. I didn’t even realise that you were in the room at all until now.”

Lan Xichen frowned and chided, “Of course you’re smart. How else have you maintained Yunmeng Jiang sect as one of the top cultivation sects without any guidance? You even denied any help offered to you.”

“That’s different.”

“And how is it different?”

“No one would do it. So, of course, I’d take it up upon myself to do it. After all, I am the only son of the previous Sect leader Jiang.”

Lan Xichen went quiet. There was truth to his words but…

“If it were anyone else in your position, do you think they’d do it?”

“…Of course,” Jiang Wanyin said hesitantly, his confidence slipping.

Lan Xichen shook his head. “No, A-Cheng. Even I wouldn’t.”

Jiang Wanyin disagreed in disbelief. “The esteemed and obedient Zewu-Jun wouldn’t save his clan and sect from the brink of destruction?”

Lan Xichen smiled at him, with a hint of sadness. “Do you think I would? If the Cloud Recesses sat atop ashes, no signs of life, or any traces of the previous Gusu Lan?” He shook his head. “I wouldn’t. There wouldn’t have been any point. Even if I managed to rebuild the Cloud Recesses, what about the recruitment of disciples? What about the lost techniques that were lost in the destruction? And what about being left alone again?”

Jiang Wanyin could only stare at him. He didn’t have the answers to them. He only knew that he should regain Yunmeng Jiang’s and his former glory. He wasn’t about to let the Wens think they had brought down a strong sect with their petty ways. He wasn’t going to let the other cultivators think of what they wished about how Lotus Pier fell. And he wasn’t going to let the world think that he was that much of a coward to listen to all those whispers.

“It’s all my selfishness. Only that,” he muttered finally.

“Then,” Lan Xichen replied firmly. “let me be selfish just this once and say that I want to spend time with you.”

Jiang Wanyin pursed his lips. “Fine, have it your way.”

Lan Xichen gave him a small smile and they travelled the rest of the way in silence. After dismounting from Shuoyue, Jiang Wanyin immediately marched to the direction of the kitchens. Lan Xichen followed him, shutting his mouth when he saw the stubborn expression on the younger man. Jiang Wanyin approached the stove, sleeves rolled up, and began to prepare the food. Lan Xichen could not hold it in anymore and opened his mouth to ask when Jiang Wanyin spoke first.

“If you want to spend time together, then make yourself useful,” he said, his back towards Lan Xichen.

Lan Xichen stared at him and processed his words before getting the hint. He beamed as he noticed the familiar pink tint that climbed up his neck. “Of course, A-Cheng!”

Lan Xichen immediately busied himself with the preparation of the ingredients, falling into step with Jiang Wanyin easily. They worked in silence, easily coordinating with one another as easily as breathing, having spent too long on the same battlefield.

The day quickly passed and the sun quickly fell from its mighty position. The food, now completed, was laid out in front of them where they were sitting at one of Jiang Wanyin’s favourite spots that looked out over the lotus lakes. They ate in silence as they were both not too keen on conversing while eating, unlike a certain male whose mouth and words were as abundant as the rabbits back in the Cloud Recesses. And unlike that same certain person, they settled comfortably in the silence, especially Jiang Wanyin.

The entire Lotus Pier was empty, including all of his attendants and there was only him staying there for the next few days. He didn’t know how comfortable he felt with another person intruding into his personal space but Lan Xichen was tolerable, if not comfortable, to be around. Lan Xichen held his questions back and perfectly assisted him as though he was his right-hand man currently.

Ending up back in his study, he finally asked Lan Xichen the question that had bothered him since that afternoon—no, since he confessed three months ago.

“… Why me?”

Lan Xichen looked up from the scroll he was reading right into Jiang Wanyin’s questioning eyes.

“… Do I need a reason to love someone?” Jiang Wanyin didn’t answer. “Love needs no rhyme or reason. It just is.”

Jiang Wanyin became exasperated. Sure, he could agree that love was an unreasonable feeling. But it didn’t explain why it was him.

“It’s because it’s you.” Jiang Wanyin looked up at Lan Xichen who was now standing right in front of him, a serious expression on his face rid of the usual polite smile.

“Hah?” Jiang Wanyin could only reply dumbfoundedly.

“I love you because it’s you.” Lan Xichen was now behind the desk and stepping even closer to Jiang Wanyin. Unused to close contact, Jiang Wanyin unconsciously took a step back to which Lan Xichen covered the distance with a step of his own. That was until Jiang Wanyin’s back hit the wall. He was trapped in Lan Xichen’s gaze and he couldn’t help but swallow stiffly. He wasn’t worthy… He didn’t deserve him…

“If you’re thinking of how I can easily find someone like you, then you’re wrong. Where am I going to find someone who decided to do something as grand as reviving a dead sect and rebuilding their burnt home from the ground up and went through with it? Where am I going to find someone who although is finicky when it comes to standards but so entertaining when he tries to make an expression?” Lan Xichen continued. He cupped Jiang Wanyin’s face and made him look up to meet his eyes. This pitiful man could only look at him helplessly, unable to refute. He wanted to say that there were millions of other people in the world, and even if they didn’t meet his standards now, what about in the future? There was bound to be someone. Even his family. Even though his father had him, he was more satisfied with someone else’s son. Even though his mother had him, she was more satisfied pampering his older sister. Even though his siblings loved him, in the end, they chose to stay with their beloved who would keep them safe. Because he couldn’t give them that safety. That warm comfort of love that he never learnt to reciprocate.

“Then, what if it isn’t me? Someone totally different from me. Not a stubborn, annoying and hard to please person. But a kind, caring and patient person?” Jiang Wanyin blinked hard. The image of Jin Guangyao entered his mind to which he furiously pushed out of his mind. He was going to be second again. The alternative. The silence settled around them again, this time stifling. He could hardly breathe now, thinking that Lan Xichen’s silence was affirmation. Lan Xichen looked at him, re-evaluating him, maybe even regretting ever saying he fell in love with him, Jiang Wanyin thought. By the time he noticed, tears had already left a trail on his cheeks, falling silently to the ground, just as silently as his heart broke. He never wanted to realise, never wanted to acknowledge. Because he couldn’t bear another slipping out of his hands. Slipping through his fingers as though they were just sand and them being beside him was just an illusion. That all he could do was chase around after their backs, hoping something would change. But it never did. Because—

“—Because they never had the chance to look at you.”

Jiang Wanyin blinked. It finally clicked that it was Lan Xichen who said that. “They ran out of time, A-Cheng. It wasn’t because they didn’t bother to look at you properly but because they never realised how much time they had to do so.” Jiang Wanyin found himself leaning away from Lan Xichen’s hands, trying to slip away, but failed when Lan Xichen’s hands moved from his cheeks to his back, pulling him close to his chest.

“Then, what about you? Are you going to run out of time too?” Jiang Wanyin muffled from his chest.

“I won’t,” Lan Xichen replied and chuckled when Jiang Wanyin looked up with incredulity. “Not until I hear you saying that you are glad I fell in love with you and believe that I love you.”

Jiang Wanyin immediately buried his head further into his chest, feeling the now familiar feeling of warmth spread through his face. Lan Xichen laughed softly at his act of shyness and could only think of how adorable his Jiang Wanyin was. When it was obvious that Jiang Wanyin had no intentions of moving from his chest, Lan Xichen made a sound something of a sigh and a hum. Jiang Wanyin looked up puzzled before feeling himself being lifted off the ground. Lan Xichen effortless carried him in his arms and sat him on his lap as he took a seat on the chair behind the desk. Jiang Wanyin turned to Lan Xichen, bewildered, while the other merely gave him a large smile.

“What are you doing?” he asked, still shocked at his bewitching manoeuvre. Only Lan Xichen could make such a movement so beautiful, he thought as he sighed to himself. “Showering you with love, of course!” Lan Xichen replied, delighted at his reaction. Jiang Wanyin choked at that unexpected comment. As expected, only Lan Xichen could find his reactions entertaining, he continued thinking. 

“Is there anything else you would like to entertain me with?” Jiang Wanyin snorted. Lan Xichen smiled even brighter. Really, if he was going to smile any wider or brighter, Jiang Wanyin felt he might really go blind, and not only because of love. “There are a million things, of course,” Lan Xichen said, holding Jiang Wanyin closer. “But I know if I don’t follow your pace, we’d go backwards instead of forwards. So, what would you like me to do?”

Jiang Wanyin looked up at him, marvelling at how this Jade of Lan shone under the cover of moonlight. He rested his chin on his chest and pondered for a moment. Every single thought that went through his mind made him blush more. “U—Uh, what are my options?” he coughed. Lan Xichen struggled to keep his laughter from bubbling but that didn’t stop his shoulders from shaking. His eyes filled with adoration at the young man in his arms before him as Jiang Wanyin’s face formed a pout. His eyes twinkled. “Well, we could start off easy. Pick a number from one to ten,” he grinned mischievously. Jiang Wanyin racked his brains. There was definitely a catch here. But maybe there wasn’t. Lan Xichen wouldn’t do anything he wouldn’t like, would he? Maybe the numbers represent the comfort level? Maybe his confidence level? Maybe speed? Jiang Wanyin felt his temples throbbed and thought, Screw it! 

“Then, eight!” he said confidently. The higher the better, right? I won’t regret it, surely!

Lan Xichen grinned widely and proceeded to pick him up.

“W-w-w-w-wait, where are we going?!” Jiang Wanyin flailed as he was adjusted comfortably again in the bridal carry. 

Lan Xichen opened the door to Jiang Wanyin’s room adjacent to the study and proceeded to lay him on the bed. Was he going to tuck him to bed, Jiang Wanyin wondered. But his relief would slowly turn into dread and, although Jiang Wanyin strongly and stubbornly denied the idea, pleasure. For the number eight was the number of hours Lan Xichen proceeded to whisper words of love and affection whilst pampering the uncomfortable man with kisses.

The next day when Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji had come with the preparations of the New Year, uninvited of course, they found Jiang Wanyin with swollen and full lips and a Lan Xichen whose smile seemed to put the sun to shame. The couple dreaded to think what had happened and instead kept their mouth shut when the two sect leaders greeted them at the gate.

Well, Wei Wuxian thought, at least now he isn’t second anymore. He watched as his younger brother busied himself with cleaning the hallways while being spoiled rotten by the older Lan. And that was the start of Jiang Wanyin’s fall from being alone and scarred to being helpless, in love and helplessly in love.

End.

[fyrapartnersearch]

Chapter 1; In Which Death Awaits and a Plot is Hatched

"You're fucking persistent, I'll give you that," Izar growled, planting his foot in the snow and pivoting around to face the wards. He slammed his hands on the wards, causing a deep resonance to sound across the snowy grounds. He was lifted off his feet and sent flying. Izar clenched his lips together before he gave a delighted laugh, not even stopping as he was deposited harshly onto the ground. He spread his arms out around his body, making tracks in the snow beneath him. Odd… he never had made a snow angel before.  Izar leaned his head into the snow, ignoring the eerie quiet that reverberated across the grounds. The army was flabbergasted at what had just happened, Izar knew. Though, hopefully they were impressed, because he was even impressed with himself. Sadly, it didn't take long for the fighting to continue for he heard magic and curses being passed back and forth between the crowds a few yards away from his current position. Chaos would erupt shortly. The two groups were still in quiet surprise over the areas lack of magic. Soon, the students and the professors would either herd together inside the castle, escape, or join the fray. Until that time… Izar kicked his arms and legs out, creating a snow angel beneath him. His green eyes stared at the sky above him, observing the snowflakes as they slowly drifted into focus. Without the soft and yellowed glow from Hogwarts, the only thing left to light the grounds was the half moon and the curses being released from their owners' wands. He smiled thinly, finding himself feeling rather numb despite the situation that transpired earlier. He issued a controlled moan. "What… are you doing?" Izar gave the towering man a look of disdain. "Exactly what it looks like, My Lord." Voldemort's lips thinned as he watched Izar create a deeper snow angel. "They did warn me that the insanity was strong within you. Obviously, I hadn't given it proper consideration." A pause. "Until now." While his Master’s tone was light in his mocking, Izar could see the man deeper than that. There was a knowing glint in the crimson eyes as they watched Izar in the snow. The Dark Lord believed Izar was averting his focus and attention away from reality in order to avoid thinking about his near-death experience. Was he? Possibly… no, most certainly. He had almost been absorbed into the castle’s wards. Izar had been taken off-guard. There was this nagging feeling that Izar could have prevented everything that transpired in the last few minutes.  -- Did the above introduction catch your interest? I sincerely hope so. I also hope that, from there, your eyes continue on, trifling through this post, absorbing the information I offer and nurturing a growing interest that will lead you to my door. Writing is not just a pass-time. It's an adventure, an extravagant and deeply fulfilling world created for our very own enjoyment - this is the reason I am now here in search of partners. Optimistically thinking, I have not scared too many of you away with my mutterings and lavish vocabulary! Let's move on, shall we? Who am I? Online I go by the alias Ariikos Melanthios, but Ari or Arik is just fine. I'm a 19+ British Roleplayer employed by a fabulous company that sometimes requires my absolute attention and - at other times - lets me relax within my home while they look for something for me to do.  I can reply a minimum of once a day, often more, but attempt to always assure my partner when I need to delay a response. I play both male and female characters (as well as those between and far from that spectrum) and am open to all pairings, with experience thereof. How do I write? Usually over email or google docs, but I could always give letters a try! Sorry, that was a poor attempt at humour. My posts tend to cross the line of 1000 words as a constant, but can sometimes dip below when replies require a faster-paced thought process, such as in combat or conversation. They also have a tendency to far surpass that, such as in the case of a recent roleplay in which my starter post was over 5000 words! Fear not, weary traveller! At no point will I expect you to match these lengths, only wishing for a response that carries your half of the story. I'd be happy to share some examples upon contact - just ask. Am I missing anything?  Probably. Almost definitely, so feel free to ask any questions. I'm not particularly shy! So, what do I want from you? - 3rd person, multi-paragraph to novella, eligible responses.  - Active participation in the musing and creation process.  - Uses Google Docs or Email for roleplay reponses, and either Google Hangouts or Discord for musing (sorry the Discord word limit is too much of a hassle). Fandom's or Originals? I enjoy roleplaying in both, so let me know what you're interested in. I will not play a Canon for your OC, or a Canon/Canon relationship 99% of the time. However, you may be the single person to convince me of otherwise if the plot is juicy enough! - Harry Potter; please bring me your ideas. This is my favourite series (if you couldn't tell from the opener) and I can do anything from starting with kids in their first year, to Professors or Aurors. Good guys or bad guys. AUs, Crossovers or Canon!  - Dragon Age; huge nerd of this game, please send any ideas my way, including obscure settings in the general universe but separate from the canon storylines. All of the games are fantastic! - MCU; comics and films, preference towards X-Men but generally open to anything. - The Witcher; books, games or TV series! - Telltale The Walking Dead; a little more obscure, but believe it could make for an interesting take on the original story.  - Star Trek; new or old generation, or our own take! - Resident Evil; preference towards the films, but familiar with the games too.  - Sword Art Online - Doctor Who; any doctor, or our own. Honestly, I'm missing so many here, but just ask and I probably know it! If not, I'm always willing to do the research and put in the effort.  Onto original plots - in general I want to create a world with you! - Fantasy - Sci-Fi - Urban - Dystopia - Mythology - Medieval - Superpowers - Darker Themes - etc I'm usually up for anything though I'm not a huge fan of slice-of-life. Anything with action and I'm in. Well, I think that's about everything. If you've made it this far, congratulations! Please introduction yourself upon first contact, letting me know what you're looking for! If you can provide information about yourself, your likes and dislikes then you'd gain extra points in my book! You will absolutely be judged by your introduction, aha.  Find me @ Ariikos#3683 AriikosMelanthios@gmail.com Looking forward to hearing from you!

[longingkisses]

༺♥ Marie Antoinette, An Ikevamp OC ♥༻

Thinking about the power Ikevamp would have.. if it had.. girls, haha.. But yes hello! I made an ikevamp OC, using this picrew for her design! I’m sure this idea isn’t new so don’t kill me but- I got super inspired watching old harem/shoujo anime, so she’s sort of a byproduct of all that.

Description: Marie Antoinette was the last queen of France before the French Revolution. She was born an archduchess of Austria and was the penultimate child and youngest daughter of Empress Maria Theresa and Emperor Francis I. 

Living a new life as a Lesser Vampire turned by Comte, Marie spends her days living a peaceful life, as she tries to recreate her days of grandeur. After all, there’s nothing else she’d rather be doing.. right?

Personality: Bold, careless, confident. Her debut in the mansion was met with  ruckus, and she had almost reverted instantly to expect being treated like royalty. At times, her overconfidence wins her the ire of almost anyone in the room. But at other times she is somber and regretful, at a complete loss of herself and what to do. What remains constant is her effort to be polite, despite how quickly it can fall apart.

“Ah, my reputation truly precedes me..”

Her one wish is to make all her wrongs a right, preserve what’s left of her dignity. It is through this that she was able to live again.

She frequents town and the mansion gardens, as if on a schedule. She can even be seen talking and writing letters to Comte’s fellow nobles. But not as often as she keeps the company of her newly beloved pet, Berta, Marie’s Persian cat. 

Relationships: 

Napoleon: Very, very strained. There’s respect but Napoleon finds it very hard to talk to her; as they both carry immense pride for who they were as rulers. If anything, Napoleon sort of takes it upon himself to both protect her and educate her. He desperately hopes that Marie finds the will to.. improve upon herself as a person, let’s say. 

Leonardo: She loves talking to this man. Marie finds Leonardo fascinating and capable, and Leo thinks of her as a rascal with a cat attitude at times. If they’re absolutely bored, they can be find having the most strangest conversations. To pompous art and then to rather gruesome human philosophy. 

Arthur, Dazai: Arthur is notably more cautious of the monarch than Dazai, who seems completely open to making troubles with the late Queen. Dazai knows of her scandalous(?) history only somewhat, but he certainly doesn’t bring much attention to it. Arthur on the other hand, sees Marie as a troublesome woman. She’s definitely not the type of woman he would fall in love with, but at least they can find each other fun at times. 

Isaac: A nerd. Marie has heard of this man- and finds him both adorkable, and a bore. She tells him to live a little, and he tells her to have some respect once in a while. She certainly has some fun placing baked apple goods around the scientist. 

Vincent, Theo: One of the first things she does is ask Vincent for a portrait. This gets immediately shot down by Theo. The younger claims that his talented older brother has no business painting wretches like her. Marie gets offended, and the two maintain a difficult relationship to this day. But when the two are in the same room, Vincent always has to be the mediator. The older brother doesn’t mind Marie as much, and sometimes finds her amusing. 

Comte: Sugar... friend? As her sire, she expects him to take care of her in her goal. Her one wish known only between them. Meanwhile, he has to deal with her terrible money spending habits, and in revenge, le Comte forces her to participate in society balls and dances. Despite it all, they’re close friends. The two can be seen drinking tea in the gardens on sunny afternoons. 

Jean: The recluse of a soldier suddenly has to deal with an admirer, and it’s quite a debate if Marie can be considered a ‘fair lady’ for Jean to respect in full. He’s put off by her at times, but the compliments he receives from her are rather interesting. Although, the two can never shake off their first meeting- The look of disappointment on Marie’s face as she saw the other wasn’t who she was expecting..

Sebastian: A butler is a butler, and Marie adores him! She’s easily flattered and impressed by the human butler, and finds it quite funny to drape herself dramatically over the butler. Sebastian deserves a raise. 

Shakespeare: The playwright takes no time learning about the Queen and her reputation once they’re introduced. He is instantly fascinated by her tale of self made tragedy. Due to this fascination, Marie finds the playwright absolutely disgusting. She only entertains him with stories if he happens to pique her interest with one of his new plays. 

Mozart: Oh boy... Words cannot describe the strange affection Marie feels for Mozart. She holds onto their one special moment together, way back when they were younger.   They play piano together on occasion, although Marie doesn’t quite take music as serious as Mozart. The composer is aware of her motive, but for some reason, only resigns himself to whatever happens. 

“Oh, the possibilities.. What if I did take your hand in marriage, Mozart? Perhaps things would have been different.”

“..Marie. Entertain that thought no further. It’s embarrassing.”

Relationships (Extra, Act 2 Players):

Vlad: Her first thought is- This man is not her sire. She’s.. heard stories about a Vlad, but she can never be quite sure. But whatever he may be, she’ll scoff and go about her business. Comte can deal with him, for all she cares. 

Faust: Just one look at him, and she holds her head high and refuses to look. A doctor he may be, but he holds himself with an aura that makes even Marie cautious. 

Charles-Henri Sanson: The father of her executioner. She remembers his face in her execution, and grows quiet without much fanfare. She intentionally avoids him, but the same can’t be said for the other. Charles does take it upon himself to be friends with about as many people as he could, even if the feeling isn’t reciprocated. The moment he approaches her, it’s as if Marie had lost all color and joy in her face. 

[vestigialtext]

Euphorroria

[TW suicide, self-harm] 

Imagine you turn around there’s suddenly a perfectly circular swirling hole open in the floor, emanating a hazy purple glow and a kind of pulsing, reverb-drenched celestial siren song, like the single sickest shoegaze riff you’ve ever heard.

You think, huh, wow, that’s a pretty weird trip-hazard, and erect some cordons to stop anyone falling in. But you become fixated on the hole, staring in unblinking for hours. It’s curious, it’s beautiful, it’s sonically enchanting, it’s perfumed with a kind of partially floral, partially cardomomic, partially metallic scent which just encroaches on the sickly-sweet – but you still want a taste.

The hole, as it happens, is a portal to insanity.

This is how I experience hypomania; standing steady-of-foot behind the barrier, gazing at wonder to the insanity, hearing its call but keeping a safe distance.

Mania would see me leap the barrier, approach too close, and invariably slip in screaming.

Psychosis, meanwhile, would see me fall in, try to either fight it or fuck it, turn it inside out and prolapse it back through into rational reality, the fabric of which world begin to collapse as internal and external landscapes collide and splinter into one and other and I approach self-oblivion.

A full psychotic break has only happened twice in my lifetime, and frankly I’m lucky to be here writing this drivel – my second episode, nearly a decade ago, almost killed me and left me with almost impossible-to-comprehend scars I’ll bear for the rest of my life, scars invisible to the observer but forever altering my perception of the world, scars I’ve made peace with but which continue to niggle every day. Without getting deep into the nightmarish details, I tried – and, thank fuck, failed – to blind myself, resulting in bilateral scarred corneas which mean that, while my vision remains entirely functional and luckily unimpaired to any significant degree, I experience constant, curious aberrations, especially in low-light where the world melts into a sea of halos.

Importantly, I’m still alive. I very nearly leapt into the Thames on the morning of 10/03/2010, and not through depressive, I-can’t-bear-to-live anguish, but due to chasing immensely powerful delusions and hallucinations to the same place that almost cost me my sight. There’s a lot I’ve written and lot I will write about my experiences of psychosis – particularly re the corrupted internal logic that catalysed much of my bizarre, life-ruining behaviour in 2003 and 2010 – but not here, not now.

Mania, the losing control of my inhibitions and tripping headfirst into hyperactive chaos, has occurred three times in my life, but only progressed through to psychosis twice. I had my first (and to date, only quickly-controlled) manic episode age 16, following a few months as an inpatient at an adolescent psychiatric in Newcastle (remember when the NHS used to offer those kind of services lol). Up until that point, I had been being treated for major depression, which was my diagnosis until the mania emerged. I don’t quite remember the specifics – I celebrated the 20th anniversary of my bipolar 1 diagnosis last month – but one day it seems the depressive fog suddenly cleared and my mind, robbed of feel-good shit for so long, lurched as far as it could in the opposite direction as some kind of bizarre compensatory push.

Perhaps the flip was inevitable, perhaps it was triggered by a chemical predisposition to mania plus guzzling down combinations of all the anti-depressant variants that could be feasibly prescribed for the preceding three months. Who can say. Whatever the case, suddenly I was bouncing around the hospital halls like Sonic the Hedgehog, talking borderline-gibberish garbage incessantly, getting back deep into abandoned A-level art projects and attempting to start roughly 1,000 extracurricular projects simultaneously. The doctors quickly took notice, brought me down with lithium and revised my diagnosis.

Hypomania, (literally “below mania”), is something I experience on average a few times a year, hitting in waves, usually with a clear trigger. It’s a glimpse at the maelstrom of insanity without actually dipping a toe. Delusional ideas can creep into my head, but I can analyse and dismiss them rationally with a firm “No.” I now have enough insight and experience of my own sensations and mood pattern recognition to usually ward off a manic episode, typically with self-seclusion and/or self-management, sometimes with medication. Zopiclone, a sedative, has proven to be something of a magic bullet at sniping down incoming mania, so I try to keep a stash handy – I popped one Saturday gone just to try and keep the train on the rails after barely sleeping for two weeks straight.

After accepting I was an alcoholic six years ago, I’ve gone entirely teetotal, and that itself has greatly improved my ability to monitor myself, to try and regulate my own mood – previously, I’d (technically binge)-drink more or less every single day, and drown out any troublesome hypomanic episode with even more booze, remaining entirely functional (if prone to starting each day with a big purging sick and then having a couple of practically clockwork spew breaks at work) until my liver and my nervous system started wildly red-flagging at the sheer relentless demands I was asking of them, the perpetual nature of my misguided self-medication, so I decided to stop dead drinking or risk further ruining my health.

Without in any way wishing to belittle or underestimate the impact of the disease (severe, bulk-of-a-year depression episodes have also nearly killed me) I feel like depression is something even people who don’t suffer from mental health problems can at least begin to comprehend, can take a stab at imagining the experience. Perhaps not the depths – the eroding, claustrophobic mental space, the glimmer of hope on the horizon disappearing into darkness, all sensory input turning to a grey mush, the head-in-a–tomb depersonalisation – but most people can relate to being “sad”, most people have experienced tragedy at some point in their lives. Hypomania, however, is a trickier prospect to explain. But I’ll try.

I can’t speak for others who experience the condition, but in my case, hypomania manifests itself across my whole physical, mental, emotional spectrum. Although other factors come into play, the biggest single trigger for me seems to be sleep deprivation. It’s no news that circadian rhythms and bipolar disorder are intrinsically interlinked, and I have very real first-hand experience. As a shiftworker (occasional nightshift worker) who lives on the opposite side of London to my office and has a four-month old daughter, my current sleep hygiene is pretty... ropey to say the least, so I’m trying to be extra vigilant. A few nights back-to-back of little sleep (I’m talking a hour or two, at the best of times my sleep is shit anyway and five hours is a good stint) I can often feel my mood changing gears.

Simply put, when I’m hypomanic, the world is a more engaging place; more detail fills the cracks, more edges pique my interest. All of my senses sharpen up – my vision becomes cleaner, brighter, more vivid, sound seemingly has additional frequency space, imperceptible before. My senses of smell and taste overwhelm me, aromas become intoxicating and normal food takes on gourmet qualities. My energy level skyrockets without any additional external input; I have much more impetus, enthusiasm about life, work, whatever. I can literally feel my mind starting to function differently – but not necessarily more efficiently – taking shortcuts, randomly accessing memories in remarkable detail without any prompt. I can think faster, but with less focus; I’m more distractible and will happily shoot off on wild tangents with complete disregard for my goal. Depending on circumstances at home or work, hypomania is a mixed bag – any lethargy is dispelled and my agency and job satisfaction is heightened, but I might, say, approach 20 tasks simultaneously when sequentially would be more rational.

Depending on social context, I expend varyingly extreme amounts of effort to varying degrees of success attempting to mask a hypomanic episode. You know how your body never really “heals”, and scurvy horrifyingly opens up old scars and shit? That’s kind of what my ever-simmering mental illness feels like when i’m consistently deprived of sleep for whatever reason, the cracks start appearing and it kinda seeps out a bit lol. I am well aware my hypomanic demeanour and delivery can alarm people, and I do try really, really, really hard to suppress things or if absolutely required, just remove myself from situations where a lasting, detrimental opinion could be formed. I am also fully aware I can become borderline intolerable to my long-suffering and remarkably patient wife, and I try to mitigate the condition’s impact on domesticity, again, only ever partially-successfully (sorry, Kate). On any given day, high, low, or creamy middle, I’d estimate around about 90% of my effort is put towards just trying to appear normal to others, trying to blend in. I imagine many other mentally ill people are broadly intolerant to open-plan hotdesking (not to mention the insatiable clock-in-and-hit-marks demands of capitalism).

I can physically feel my body “running hotter” when I’m hypomanic, like an overclocked CPU frazzling on a motherboard; headaches spark quickly if I don’t drink enough water. I’m not especially clued up on chemical synthesis of naturally-occurring hormones etc. but I kinda get the impression hypomania is little like organic, high-on-your-own-supply MDMA.

Hypomania seems to foster within me a deeper connection to and longing to revisit all of my favourite music, art, writing, films, games, people – chiefly, I go on obsessive listening binges of records I adore. As I mentioned earlier, my hearing changes when I’m hypomanic – songs sound better, richer, more punchy. One of my fondest ever memories of mental illness (sadly ruined by slipping into psychosis shortly afterwards) was walking around out at night listening to My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless on shitty earbuds via a Spotify stream and still hearing subtle elements blossoming from the mix I’d never clocked before; layers of what sounded like processed flutes fluttering under the wall of guitars, gentle tonal ebs and flows, what seemed to be entire hidden tracks I was only just tuning in to, a secret sound world unveiled.

This might well just be wild conjecture, but I like to think maybe some bands – the bands who “get it” – deliberately bury this audio information deep within the mix, only to be decoded by specific mental setups, be they drug-indicted or naturally, hormonally occurring, breadcrumb trails left in the studio production as a little nod by whoever put the music together that they understand the confusion, the dislocation and alienation of mental illness, something extra beyond the lyrics. It might well be bullshit but it brings me great comfort. I’ve put together a playlist of some favourite tunes I suspect were written about hypomanic states, knowingly or otherwise, or instead conjure up that specific vibe.

To be honest, the hardest thing I find about dealing with episodes of hypomania is that they can feel so good it’s very hard to not attempt to stoke the sensation, prolong it, succumb deeper to it. That way oblivion lies; please stand behind the yellow line at all times.

[bacchanta]

My problem with ship haters

The reason I hate Internet liberals sometimes despite our overall proximity on the political spectrum is that their 'righteous cause' often turns into a free-pass to walk on other people for absolutely no justifiable reasons. Specifically, thorki haters. Fuck. you. all.

It's become a daily routine where I search the tag just for discussions or creativities and have to take extra care to step over loads of hate-tweets. Fetishizing, abusive, homophobic(?), incestuous, disgusting, you name it. There seems to be absolutely zero reservation when they fucking use 'a fictional relationship between two fictional characters' as the monolithic standard to decide if actual persons with feelings on the other side of the Internet qualify as a foot mat on which they can casually rub their self-righteous ego and feel good about it.

First thing that bothers me is that many of them are character-shippers. It doesn't take much probing into the corpus of 'slash culture' studies to understand that 'shipping' is by and large something to do with one's fantasy, esp. a reflection of feminine sexuality which lacks legitimate outlet in a patriarchal society. If shipping A/B is such outrageous sexual exploitation deserving constant shaming, shipping C/D is not so different. You read smut, you bend characters at your will, you create arts, then you are fucking FANTASIZING, too, and there is nothing wrong about it as long as you don't actively press any form of your fantasy in the face of those who don't like them. But stop fucking pretending that you like a fictional relationship because it's morally flawless while dirty fetishizing het girls are sexually exploiting the minority. I am not saying that slash is not sexual exploitation of homosexuality. It is. As much as we like it we have to keep that in mind. But see? SLASH being a largely female-oriented genre is in itself sexual exploitation, not because two characters grow up together or whatever.

The second thing that absolutely baffles me is the casuality of the hate. There are countless times when I see people complaining about 'seeing something BUT the OP turns out to be thorki'. Or just occasionally dropping anecdotes about how all thorki shippers' advocacy for equality is hypocritical because, thorki, the trending new favourite target of Internet social justice advocates. If some major argument or drama triggers some hate tweets I won't even care. But it turns out that the hate is so casual. To the point that it becomes nothing more than cyberbullying. Maybe it's a cultural thing, that US users do not put in hyphens or slashes in the subject matter of criticism to avoid searching. Either it's not common practice in the US or they are actually so entitled as to think that their opinions, ALWAYS phrased with cringey passive-aggressiveness and no more useful content than teenage whining, are so important that people who like thorki should stand named and shamed and listen to their preaching and walk away fully enlightend and totally repented.

The third thing is the disturbing observation of the Pavlovian instinct among young, western liberals to ALWAYS find a moral justification for their personal judgements. But aestheticism can be separated from morality. You can dislike or hate, but don't think that there is always an explanation about how you liking or disliking something is because you are morally superior and lonely in the patriarchal world and the best you can do is cyberbully people (whom you know nothing about) and make groundless accusations for liking a fictional relationship.

BE FUCKING FRANK when you dislike something. Don't be so fucking delusional as to believe that your taste in which fictional characters should or shouldn't shag each other makes a reflection on your noble personality.

Thorki haters please please just grow the fuck up by taking the first step of admitting that you are still so childish as to hate on people for liking a ship you don't appreciate. By this point it says much less about fetishizing LGBTQ+ than about your own immaturity and vitriol. Back when me and my friends are in primary school we did hate on ships and shippers. We've got over it since. That's probably asking too much out of you whiney cohorts, but maybe, try? Take the first step and perhaps people will cheer you on to actually get over it?

Grow the fuck up and be considerate and take personal responsibility for what you express. Think twice before you hide personal biases behind moral righteousness, because moral appeals by nature pressures more people to concord and that, nowadays, easily grows into a mob. If you dislike something just say you don't like it. Or at least don't be so quick to shout 'OPPRESSION SPOTTED' because let's be honest, when you say that you intend it to be open season on those you accuse. You intend to hurt people you don't even know with malice because they like to see one fictional character getting with another but you don't, and you don't seem to understand how tolerance works.

We all know how Internet populist-leftism works. When you make accusations of oppression, you want as many people to criticisze those accused as possible. Individuals, personal thoughts and feelings mean nothing to you. Who diminishes individuals to labels and attack them?

Using your all-time favourite buzzword. Bigots. Fucking bigots.

The leftist movement has always been about allowing individuals to thrive regardless of various labels, about showing care to individuals' feelings. It's not up to anyone (NOR YOU) to decide whose feelings can be overlooked and trampled, especially when you are only using a label for people whom you know nothing about.

It's so fucking exhausting when people back where I'm from are struggling to save the very right to create non-het content, and then crybabies on the Internet are all smugly charting up which ships are pc and which shippers are oppressors.

Some of you thorki haters embody the highly hypocritical and selective kind of social activism at its best. The only actions you take are those that are 1) useless or even harmful and hence 2) the best form of self-righteous egoistic whacking off at the least effort. All I ask is that you do it the right way, aka by your own, not in front of other people who are not interested in your thick ego by the slightest.

[gaygwenpool]

give me literally All Headcanon for that post for Mysterio p l e a s e (also, for the one of my choosing, whether or not you hc he commentates movies while watching them or insists on ABSOLUTE SILENCE)

:D!!! my sweet boy, BLESS you nonnie! 

◉ whether or not you hc he commentates movies while watching them or insists on ABSOLUTE SILENCE IS A FANTASTIC QUESTION IVE BEEN LITERALLY LAUGHIN ABOUT IT ALL DAY THANK YOU

   Both actually! if you try to comment on the plot or react to an actor, immediately you get rudely shushed with the most scorching glare because how DARE you, focus on the ~ART~ you heathen!!! but also the Moment a slightly more advanced special effect takes place, he is all hoppin on his seat excitedly explaining how it’s done and how genius that is, how would he improve on it and how another movie dealt with it, the dialogue for the big plot reveal goin on the screen be damned :’D Also as the movie advances, he starts gettin more and more into long passionate rants either complaining about the lack/surfeit of respect the creators got, how arrogant this one actor is and how he doesnt respect his cues and so on….. lots of the stuff he says is actually pretty interesting but yeah, if you counted on just enjoying the movie, tough luck 

   He really likes watchin movies with people but prefers to see the movie first on his own at least once, to really focus on it. Often, he will watch a movie in the livin room while others do their own thing and he will comment on the good scenes, however if you agreed to actually watch somethin with him and got distracted during screening or worse, was on your phone?? you are dead to him. (and you can expect some …unpleasant surprises in the upcoming days)   

im gonna put the rest under the readmore cuz this is gettin long ^^;;

[ask meme]

☾ - sleep headcanon

Beck is the UGLIEST sleeper, he is the worst. He snores loudly, drools, moves, KICKS, mumbles and has the most vivid wildest dreams. (it happens rarely but sometimes he’ll dream about somethin, wake up and for a while be convinced it actually happened, you know like when you dream about arguing with your friend and being mad at them the next day etc) On the other hand, sometimes, all his features relax, he loses the scowl and looks surprisingly peaceful and happy… oh and he hogs the blanket.  

His sleep schedule is a fuckin mess, he is able to go like the whole week on few hours of sleep total when he is workin on a project but other days he gets grumpy if he doesnt get his 10h of beauty sleep every night.. 

★ - sad headcanon

uhhh i dont actually have much sad stuff for this boy yet, he brings me so much joy that i dont have the heart for that :’’’D (also i like him and chameleon team ups and Dmitri brings enough angst to the table for the both of them)

He really actually died that one time and went to hell (though in Patchwork, im not gonna keep everythin about that Daredevil plot, i really like Mysti being dangerous and actually a worthy opponent but most of it was too fucked up for my tastes…) and well… it wasnt great :’D  it mostly targeted his insecurities about his own talent he buried so deep he almost stopped believing them, the lack of respect and recognition and him willingly throwing away any chance he had at those by becoming Mysterio and of course everything that happened with his ex Brick Johnson…

☆ - happy headcanon

blease consider: autistic Quentin !!!!!!

☠ - angry/violent headcanon

he doesnt have a hair trigger temper like Ock or Electro but Damn does this boy holds grudges over literally everything :’D lots of overcomplicated, carefully crafted revenge plots just for eating the last yogurt in the fridge… He gets frustrated easily, getting snappy and rude, especially if people are not listening to him, but it’s often about the pettiest things, the bigger stuff doesnt affect him as much.  

He doesnt enjoy violence for the sake of violence but he is not above it either, everythin is allowed for his big performance…… he can be quite a good n friendly boss if you listen to his orders and work well but can just as much set you up to die in an explosion, all while smiling and patting you on the back… 

✿ - Sex headcanon

my Mysterio is gay as hell but also somewhere on the ace spectrum… not sex-repulsed but definitely not a high drive either (he feels oddly smug about that, like look at those fools trying to get into each others’ pants, how pathetic, *I* in the meantime have time for things that Truly matter, like recreating every Xmen battle ever with only straws and gum.) 

■ -  Bedroom/house/living quarters headcanon

listen, i basically grew up on those “the entire villain team lives in a single place - shenanigans ensue” fics so im not givin up on the Sinister Six HQ, okay. (Chameleon usually finds them a suitable house with enough rooms, as luxurious as their current fonds allow, and he prides himself in putting in lil personal touches that he knows the sin six members would enjoy, for Quentin it’s often very obscure movies, rare memorabilia from his favorite ones, stuff for his illusions, a stolen Oscar…) 

 When these are unavailable (aka superheroes got them busted) or when he aint in the middle of a crime job, he usually stays at one of the Cham’s safehouses (with or without him) and in a few of them, he already has his own dedicated room with some of his fav old tricks on display. Speakin of which, he has a BIG warehouse with most of his setups and stages or at least models. He doesnt really plan on reusing them but he likes having them all together 

♡ - romantic headcanon

((jakjgkfajga im a loser and ended up shippin him with Chameleon and everythin i’ve thought off so far is EMBARRASSING AND CHEESY AS FUCK :’’’’D so im gonna leave those for another time))

Beck being an Extra Bitch he is, lives for the Big Romantic Gestures like in the movies and he often gets so caught up in the prep he.. kinda disregards the person he was makin it for, the making of the effect means more for him than  the actual sentiment behind it… 

(ok maybe One mysteleon hc, while it pains him, Quentin knows Chammy Would Not Enjoy being a target of such grand display… he gotta be more subtle, creating a scene where he could play in disguise and dupe some superheroes mayhaps…) 

♥ - family headcanon

like 99% of the villains and their grandma, his family wasnt great, mum left when he was very young with another guy, his dad considered his passion for movies a great waste of time and let lil Quentin know how disappointed he was at every occasion both vocally and physically.. After the first few broken models and ripped tapes with stop animations that took weeks to complete, Quentin stopped tryin to impress and convince his father about the greatness of special effects.. He joined a boxing club and learnt some other martial arts but as soon as he could, he left to join a proper film school which led to his father dropping both financing and all contact with him. 

☮ - friendship headcanon

Im not even gonna start about Chameleon’s and Mysterio’s friendship because that shit is canon and i cry about it on a daily basis. 

Despite his penchant for Dramatics, the constant Need for Validation and Backstabbing and other Throwing Shit in the Fan just cuz it was narratively better, Quentin actually has quite a few friends? He gets along quite well with everyone from the Sin Six and many other villains and even has some ‘normie’ pals from the film industry or just neighborhood… 

One of his most surprising is actually Doc Ock with whom he gets along even outside of business partners/partners in crime basis. Though maybe not so surprising, Mysterio is quite vocal with his praises when he feels like they are deserved and Doc as well actually admires and recognizes Beck’s talent while it is still enough specific for him not to feel threatened in his superiority (once he tried to improve them and show them to Quentin with his usual arrogance and flair and that was the biggest fight they ever had and they werent on speaking terms for a loooong while after that… Oct cant stand not having the last word so he still modified some of Mysterio’s tricks even after that but he actually cares about their friendship enough to not tell Mysti about it.. Not like he would ever admit that to Quentin’s fishbowl face) 

♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon

like 99% of everythin Mysti does is Somehow related to special effects/film or the Drama in general but my boy is a nerd in general, theater, books, comics, manga, roleplaying games, you name it. He especially likes flashy stuff obviously. 

He really enjoys learning new techniques and figuring out how to make something happen. When he was younger, he was viciously against CGI but later he started to sorta respect it as its own category that needs talent and effort… he still prefers to use the traditional techniques of course :’D (…as traditional as HYPNOTIZING PEOPLE WITH NEURAL GAZ IS) 

☯ - likes/dislikes headcanon

He has a very Complicated relationship with the film industry……. on the one hand, he loves the behind the scenes, the rush, the Action…. but on the other hand, he hates it with a fiery passion, everythin from how you get treated like dirt and the pretentious prizes being awarded just for the Big names and hollywood and everythin turning around the money an-…., he has a very long list and it is alphabetized. (While he has a point for many of those complaints, the fact HE himself never got any pretentious award remains probably the main issue…) 

he absolutely despises people making fun of D-grade shitty movies in the “this shitty horror is so cheesy and dumb it’s funny and i love it” way, either because the people workin on it were good and trying their best but the money or the producers etc ruined it (his experience) and then it’s an unfair critique or because the creators just didnt try hard enough and that’s even worse in his books and this movie should not get Any Attention much less a positive one.. 

he likes complaining and being snarky :’D he enjoys the challenge Spidey sets for them and loves playing tag with him (even when he loses..) He loves the prep before his big shows both alone or with help, the adrenalin when actually pulling it off and when he discusses it with Cham in details. He lives for the applause and recognition and ~Fame~ 

▼ - childhood headcanon

not as much as hc as adopting the Webspinners’ aproach: he spent most of his childhood daydreaming, hiding himself behind the stories and special effects….. not many friends aside from Betsy but he didnt really need them, he wanted audience not pals.. In the film school he started to be more social and communicative, he met Brick there and they started goin out… 

∇ -. old age/aging headcanon

hhhhh im conflicted, there are like 3 comics where Q is retired because he has enough of superheroes beating him up and he Really doesnt want to go back to it.. I cant see him actually givin up on it totally tho… idk idk

♒ - cooking/food headcanon

Like with sleep, it oscillates wildly. He can forget to eat when he is hypefocusin on a particular project (one single chip suffices as nourishment) or he just subsides on ramen for a month but on the other hand he is quite a capable cook. Nothing Extraordinary but he can make enough diverse simple meals. When livin with Chammy, they both enjoy eating out so they do that as much as the budget allows (so not that much, illusions arent cheap…) 

☼ - appearance headcanon

im still thinkin about that one post that described Quentin as a “toenail of a man” and i couldnt agree more :’D very short, pig nose, hairstyle à la Spock, stocky built and weirdly beefy, like this guy’s thigh is bigger than some heads… (for a nerd he is surprisingly strong what the fuck) 

All Mysterios are Good Mysterios but my preferred ones have a bigass ROUND fishbowl, the longest cape and somethin as a belt, preferably sash.. 

ൠ - random headcanon

he actually isnt….. that great of an actor nor director nor creator………………….. (im sorry baby i love you but it’s tru….) he unconsciously copies a lot of stuff he has seen elsewhere, he follows overused tropes, his work is packed with cliches and cheesy over the top pathos… his special effects mastery n creativity with workin out his illusions is absolutely INCREDIBLE dont get me wrong, it’s just… the plot/ideas……..  at first he lived in denial about this still believing 100% his work is Wonderful and Perfect and he is just a misunderstood author… later he decided to embrace it and he is livin the life now :D

[prettywordsyouleft]

Different Kisses with B.I / Hanbin

Thank you for requesting! I haven’t written for iKON before, so it’s great that I finally get to do so! Admittedly I haven’t been into them as much as I used to be (must fix this) so I’m glad to be looking into Hanbin’s kisses today!

N/B: To fit more in with how I view this workaholic/perfectionist, I have added in more awareness to him obviously being an idol. All of my Different Kisses are written with them as idols in mind, but I think Hanbin’s is going to be the most obvious.

Regardless of how much time you are together, Hanbin’s kisses always remind you of the sweet, innocent start to love.

First kiss:

Hanbin liked you for a long time. Every time he’d see you from afar he’d literally smile so giddily, and whenever your name was mentioned in conversation, he’d try his best not to lose complete control. He liked everything there was to you so much, that he just couldn’t bring himself to ask you out. Everyone and their pet dog too knew how much he really was attracted to you, but he was worried of ruining that, scared that you wouldn’t reciprocate his feelings further than friendship. It took a lot of effort from his members to finally get him to attempt to tell you his feelings. He thought about writing them into a song for you, and then he wrote you letters. He practiced speeches, he planned the most perfect way to ask you out, but every time he’d just become a fumbled, blushing mess, and not at all the cool guy he wanted to appear like in your eyes.

It was you who finally initiated it, tired of watching Hanbin struggling with his emotions for you. He was yet again stumbling over words and you could tell he was just sinking into another frustrated hole like last time that you leant over and placed a chaste kiss on his lips, Hanbin completely frozen from your gentle embrace. And then you pulled away, smiling at his shock. “I’ve liked you for just as long, Hanbin,” you told him and he finally shook off his stupor, grinning dazedly at you, his face still coloured crimson but completely and utterly happy.

You thought he might be mad that it was you who confessed first, and further, had initiated the first kiss too, but he was just so darn relieved that he no longer had to worry about how to capture your heart since he had already done so.

Public kisses:

Although you’ve been dating for some time now, PDA with Hanbin out in public is at a minimum. He’s always up for holding your hand, maybe placing his arm around your waist, but that’s it. He’s still a shy bean when it comes to displaying his love for you out in public, but that’s okay because whilst he’s not so forthcoming with his lips or further touches, his eyes are making up for that. The way he gazes at you so adoringly regardless of where you are is breathtaking and you can tell with one look just how in love he is with you. He smiles often at you; lighting up his face completely and you feel like you’ve just been overwhelmed with a venti double shot of his love. You’re addicted to the way he looks at you out in public, knowing that when you’re some place more private, there will be no holding back from following up those silent love confessions with his lips.

Private kisses:

Wow, how he held back when out in public, you still don’t understand. Because at home, he is so clingy, it’s impossible to do anything without him somehow attached to you. And most of the time you don’t mind, because Hanbin is so busy, when he’s around for hours on end it’s a treat for you. So you’ll accept him enveloping you in his arms and resting his head on your shoulder as you do the dishes, pulling you into his lap when you’re folding laundry, and him helping you cook from behind you again, stirring the contents of a pot on the stove with one hand, whilst his other is firmly attached to your waist and rubbing gentle circles upon your side. All of these moments are accompanied with a constant supply of kisses, mostly soft, brief pecks on your cheeks, on your forehead/side of your head, on your shoulder or the crook of your neck if they’re exposed, and showers of butterfly kisses when you’re just cuddled up together on the couch. Hanbin is so darn affectionate towards you when it’s just you two, he cannot control himself. He’s not the type to verbalise his feelings for you all the time, because he gets a little shy doing so, but between the looks he gives you and all those gentle hugs and kisses, you know you mean the world to him.

Making out:

This section is probably going to have the most information bye to our souls. Not because I feel like Hanbin is a constant freak in the sheets for you (I actually believe he’d be a slow, sensual, very vanilla type of lover in bed, but this isn’t about sex today hohoho), but because Hanbin’s schedule make time together limited sometimes, when you do get to be together, he’s going to take advantage of the short time he gets with you. And so some days you can have a lot of lazy cuddles and sweet couple vibes, and others he going to be a little more obvious about how much he wants you. The great thing is, you miss him so much when he’s busy, that you’re often the first to initiate a more heated atmosphere, your lips desperately searching his, relishing in how he kisses you back with demand. Most of the time, after you’ve started up the mood, things will slow down and become more tender when at home. Hanbin likes to imprint your curves, your imperfections, your everything into his mind and his lips, finding himself moving all over your body with his hands and his lips. He’s so soft with you, as if he were to put any pressure through his lips you would break, and you are too precious to him to treat you any other way. But he’s not completely naïve; he knows as he breathes over your skin, your body temperature is heightened, shivering against his gentle placements on kisses and light sucking, your breathing growing shallow, and your mind blanking. He loves how you surrender yourself to him in these moments, smiling against your skin as he continues mapping your body out with his kisses.

Making out with Hanbin can vary when not at home though. He might not show you off in public, or even kiss you in front of his members, but you best believe he wastes no time in showing you how much he craves you when alone. Some of your favourite make out places are at his workplace actually, the pair of you taking advantage of any time together alone there. You’re always prepared for Hanbin to take you into the bathroom when he can’t handle his feelings around others, or when he’s taking a break from working in his studio room, and you’re there, you bet he’ll pass the time with his lips caressing yours. His favourite place is the practice room though, and we’ll get to that in a moment. But all of these sessions are very different than when at home. There’s a time limit over your heads that you’re both aware of, and there’s not exactly enough time for him to treat your body the way he likes to at home, and so its more handsy than kissing all over your body, both grabbing at one another and your mouths are conjoined in heated, open mouthed kisses that fall from one into the next, tongues linking, breathing heavy and you know that if you’re ever caught in these situations, Hanbin is going to turn into an embarrassed mess. But it never stops him from testing his luck, and the next time Jiwon so much as tries to mention that one time he found you both with his hand down your pants, you’re certain he might try to murder his best friend, lol.

For the first time, I’m breaking down making out with two extra headers, instead of putting them on their own, I feel they really need to be under this umbrella heading, so here they are…

Mirror kisses: The practice room is the most perfect place to see all angles of you, and Hanbin knows this room like the back of his hand. It’s not often it’s empty or free for long, but it’s such a kink of his to see you both pressed against each other, wrapping himself around you from behind, hands moving all over your body, whilst he kisses and sucks at your neck that you’ve tilted your head to the side to give him more access to. His eyes flicker to the reflections in front of you both, never finding you more attractive than he did as you become so unhinged in front of him as he grabs at you. These are his favourite kisses, watching you become more of a mess, your own eyes staring back at him as you let out small moans of his name. If he had the confidence and Jiwon hadn’t caught you that one time, he would take you right there and then, his make out sessions with you in the practice room always being a good memory to reminisce on whenever he’s been away from you for too long, or it’s been a long day.

Stressed kisses: Speaking of long days, Hanbin is a known workaholic. He is always busy creating new music for iKON and himself, perfecting his art form whenever the schedule allows him to. But because the life of an idol is rather hectic, and given his self critical ways, Hanbin can get really stressed out, especially if things aren’t going well creatively. You are his cure, the boy coming home to find you, or inviting you to his studio for a late night binge on your body. He’s never been a rough lover, but the way he grips at you during these times really excites you through the added desire. He’s more talkative in these sessions too, in between kisses, telling you how much he needs you, how much he craves your love, how hard it’s been to not have you up against his body. In these moments you know it’s the stress fuelling his passion on, as if he’s looking for some switch to go off and relax him again. Your own hands know exactly where to massage him and your lips on his neck has him groaning. He soon is able to calm down, and you can tell he’s easing up in his mood when his lips return to their usual gentleness.

Morning kisses:

If Hanbin can wake up with you in his arms, he feels as though he’s the luckiest guy alive. There’s something ethereal when the morning light is hitting your face, lighting you up in his eyes. Even your slightly ajar mouth as you breathe in and out has him weak for you, reaching over to place light kisses all over your cheeks, nose, and lips. If there’s a time of the day where he’s going to tell you his honest feelings, it’s when you’ve both woken up, holding onto each other and whispering those beautiful love anecdotes at each other.

Making up:

Fighting with you stresses Hanbin out and he tries not to do it ever. However your biggest complaint in your relationship is the hardest on you both and it’s about priorities. You both know that music and your relationship have equal parts in Hanbin’s world, and when you fell in love with him, it was because of his dedication to his music career. He was so attractive to you, how coolly he went about his day. So it’s not like you went into this with the idyllic thought that he’ll be able to successfully manage both your relationship and music all the time. But you weren’t prepared for the times where he would be unresponsive, out of contact, so involved in his creativity for long periods either. It was when you would fight the most, feeling insignificant in his world. And Hanbin never knew how to fix this either, he tried his best, but he was only human too. Fighting always makes him worried that you’ll leave him, the small negative thought in his mind that you’re too good to wait on him when he’s too busy being fuelled by your harsh words. He’s always the first to apologise, even when he’s tired of this being an issue in your relationship, and he’ll be desperate for you to understand how much he loves you that he’ll just start kissing you in the middle of the argument, unable to express himself in any better way. Of course, if you’re too worked up, this will only seem like a bandaid to you, and you’ll push him off, hurting his feelings further and making him a little lost.

Thankfully, fighting is so rare between you both, that these moments pass when the tension is eased and you both try hard to be more understanding of each other.

Studio kisses:

Because the boy literally lives here when he’s not at home, you often come to visit him, especially when you’re needy for some kind of connection with him. Hanbin secretly loves when you whine and cling to him, the feeling of being needed by you being one of his favourite things to write about in his journal full of songs about you. And most of the time, he’ll take a break in his work if he can to shower you in appreciation for coming to visit him, but not before riling you up a little. As you whine for his attention and he pretends that the piece of music he’s working on right now is not finished (oh it so is), you’re going to get all pouty and frustrated with him. AND HE LOVES THIS. Seeing how much you need him in that moment is inwardly driving this boy into a near heart failure because he’s so darn in love with you right now. And so he’ll stop holding out, turning around in his chair and holding out his arms, chuckling when you dive into them and then peppering you in kisses, and lots of laughter. What a blissful moment.

Blushing kisses:

It doesn’t matter how much time travels between you both, Hanbin is still that shy, blushing man you first kissed. You still have the ability to say or do something that has him blushing, amazed that you are truly his. And in those moments you always follow them up, making his skin darken in colour, by placing your lips on his, wrapping your arms around him and then holding him tightly. Letting him know you adore everything about him, and especially when he blushes over you, because it’s then that you realise just how weak he can get for your love.

Ice cream kisses:

Let’s end this sweetly, shall we? Choco cone anyone? You best bet no icy dessert gets eaten alone in your relationship. There is nothing better than tasting the rich chocolatey goodness from your boyfriend’s lips yourself right? And he relishes in this as well, purposely taking another bite of his ice cream and waiting for you to share your lips with his again. What a tasty treat in more than one way.

I feel that Hanbin is the softest, sweetest boyfriend you could ever have, but if you expect too much of him, he’ll retreat further into his music. The great thing is, you know he loves you even when he’s not around, and this can help ease your worries of being forgotten. Because if you were to ever find that journal of his in the third drawer down in his studio, you’d know than even when not together all he’s doing is thinking of you.

_______________

All rights reserved © prettywordsyouleft

Other iKon members: Hanbin // Bobby // Chanwoo

[Different Kisses Masterlist] | [Main Masterlist] | [Request Guidelines]

[stevensavage]

Steve's Marketing Advice June 2019

(This column is posted at www.StevenSavage.com and Steve's Tumblr.  Find out more at my newsletter.)

It’s the latest update of my Marketing Tips!  As always, I keep updating these every few months.

The Core Principle: The Web Of Connections

To promote yourself your various activities, giveaways, social media, and so on need to connect and reinforce each other.  If a new book comes out, promote it on your website and give away a few copies in your newsletter.  If you’re speaking on art, give out bookmarks with links to your website.  Everything ties together.

This does make finding what works a bit challenging, so I take these steps:

Do what is easy, like cross-posting sales and stuff among my social media.  Hey, it’s easy.  Then I monitor what seems to work.

Do what seems rational and looks like it’ll pay off.  Don’t try everything, try what will probably work.

Do what seems fun.  Why not enjoy this?

Advance marketing with incremental steps.  Usually that takes a month or two to show, so I tend to do my experiments every month or every other month.

Record what I find from above.  What do you think this post is?

Over time you’ll find what works for you, what doesn’t, and how elements interact.  It might help to keep a list like this!

Have A Website

Have a website, period. A website is a place you can send people to that acts as a "hub" for your marketing efforts. It doesn't have to be complex (I've got some tips below), it has to be a place that acts as a hub for finding out more about you. The goal of a website is to have a one-stop-show for people to come to for information, and leave from to go to your various portfolios, books, social media, etc.

Follow these steps:

Get a domain name (networksolutions.com, tierra.net are recommended). Make sure the name is unique, fits you, and can be re-purposed if your plans change (FrankDoesArt.com is a bit specific, but FrankGetsCreative.com is more general).

Set up a website. Most people I know use www.dreamhost.com or www.wix.com. Just start with one page to make it easy - I've seen successful authors whose page is a blurb and a list of books.

A fast way to do it is buy a domain and redirect it to one of your social media accounts or a portfolio setup (like Twitter or LinkedIn).  You can build the site later.

Link to all your books, art, portfolio, and social media from here.

This website should be mentioned in your books, social media, etc. so people get prompted to visit.

Link to all your social media from the website – LinkedIn, Goodreads, whatever.  Well, whatever is appropriate, like maybe no one wants your photo collection of antique pots on that photo sharing site.

Other things to add:

A schedule of speaking engagement.

Reviews of your books.

Testimonials.

Helpful downloads - like character sheets, guides, etc.

Fun things not necessarily related to your writing like a cookbook or a link to pet pictures.

Have Appropriate Social Media

Social media is a troublesome subject. Yes, it can let you market - or be annoying. Yes it can let you meet people - or it can waste time.  It also changes in value over time.  However, done right it's a great way to connect with people.

Your social media should always link back to your website and in many cases, your other social media. This helps create a "web" of connections, so people are able to go to one social media source, find your others, and of course buy your stuff.

My takes on social media in rough order are:

Twitter: Twitter, for it's many flaws, has a lot of use, its simple, and with lists and filtering (and learning when to ignore it) you can meet authors, promote yourself, and be found. I'd determine what approach you want to use (from marketing to just goofing off) and do it.

LinkedIn: You should have a LinkedIn profile anyway, but how much of your "creative" life you want to share or link to depends on your goals and personal image.  If you do list your creative works, don’t forget the options like “publications.”  Also remember there are communities there you can join.

Instagram and other photo-sharing sites: Some people use this to promote their work, others use it as a sort of photoblog. I'm mixed on it myself.

Facebook: Facebook keeps having issues, but it helps to have a presence. I'd keep an author page on it at the very least and see how you engage.

Amazon Author Site: Set up your Amazon Author Site at Author Central.  This also can be a place to point your web domain.

Books2Read Author Site: I learned about this as Draft2Digital.com sets you up there if you use them.  Not sure it’s useful as I’ve just set one up, but its pretty nice.

By the way, a good way to manage social media in one go is www.Hootsuite.com.

Have A Newsletter

A newsletter is the way to engage with readers and keep people informed, as well as give them cool reviews, interesting updates, and more. In some ways it's like a mailed blog, but I separate them as a newsletter is more focused and like an update, whereas blogs can be more freeform. If you don't do a blog, do a newsletter, and if you only have time for one do the newsletter.

The ruler of newsletters is www.mailchimp.com, which has an amazing free service and reasonable paid services.

Make sure that your newsletter subscription form(s) are linked to from as much social media as possible and, of course, your website.

Some newsletter tips:

Don't overdo it or underdo it - I do it every two weeks.

Find a "feel" for your newsletter - a roundup, personal, chatty, serious, etc. Judge what works.

Include any vital updates about your work. Link to your blog, new books, cool things.

Give away "Lead Magnets" - basically free stuff like samples, an occasional free book copy, downloadable cool stuff, etc.

Use it to promote other cool things - help folks out.

Remember that most newsletter software gives you all sorts of statistics and data - you can use this to improve reaching people!

Have A Blog

Blogs are ways to post thoughts, essays, and more, turning your web presence into a kind of personal magazine/announcement/discussion board. Most authors use them, though at various rates of usage, from constant posts to "occasional speaking updates."

A blog is usually part of your author website, and thus is another reason to come there - and to go and check out your work and your other media. Most blog setups can act as your author page as well (which is what I do).

I use blogs to:

Give weekly updates on myself.

Post various essays and thoughts.

Review or promote interesting things.

In a few cases, blog posts then became other books, or I round them up to publish free "compendiums."

You can set up blogs at the following sites, with various advantages and limits. Some allow you to use your own domain name, some don't.

Most webhosts.

Wordpress.com

Blogspot.com

A few techniques:

You can get a domain and just point it at your blog or a similar site (like your Tumblr) and save time.

Some authors and artists do blog tours where they post across each other's blogs.

If you have related social media accounts (LinkedIn, Tumblr, etc.) consider posting your blog entries to all of them when appropriate. Just make sure they redirect to your site.

Set up an RSS feed (or find it's address in a standard setup) and put a link on your blog. I also recommend www.feedburner.com despite it being sort of static by now.

Mailchimp.com and some other mail software programs let people subscribe to a blog feed so they get email updates. You can also load those with helpful extras and information.

An important caveat - if you're a prolific writer, you have to find the blogging/writing balance. It's not an easy call because a few long blog posts can take as much time to set up as a small fiction piece. In some cases small books may be like blog posts so you have to ask “write a book or write a set of blog posts.”  I cover that more later.

Physical Media

Many authors and artists give away cards, bookmarks, etc.  I find these different giveaways vary in effectiveness, so I’m not sure how well they work for me or you.  However, it doesn’t stop me from doing them as they’re easy, and sometimes expected.  I also figure saturating the world with references to my work helps.

The one challenge is that this costs money, and you may not want to spend money on business cards, bookmarks, etc.  So you want to balance your choices.

Here’s what I try and what I find works:

Business Cards – These are a must if you’re serious, and the only physical media I can truly say that about.  Business Cards are cheap to get, easy to give out, and even expected.  Most print shops and office supply stores have quick options.

Bookmarks – This is popular among the book crowd for obvious reasons.  I’m not sure how well they work, but they do make it easy to set out information, give them away in panels, leave at interested shops, etc.  They can be a bit pricey depending on the deal you swing,

Mini-pictures – I’ve seen artists give away small cards with their art and contact information, sort of a sample/bookmark/business card fusion.  This may be worth trying.

For printed bookmarks and the like I recommend www.clubflyers.com.

I always have business cards with me, keep some bookmarks in my car, and take bookmarks to any events I speak at.

Giveaways And Promotionals (Mostly Authors)

A great way to get people's attention is to give out stuff like free books, extras, samples, and more. With these properly done (and linked back to other works), its a great way to get attention, meet people, and of course get sales.

There's two services I recommend for authors.  For artists you may have to look for other methods.

Prolificworks.com - having both free and subscription modes, it lets you give away work and join (or create) promotions. The paid version lets you tie giveaways into your mailing list as well. It does get a bit pricey beyond the Free level ($20 to $50 a month), so I recommend paid tiers for serious authors nly.

www.bookfunnel.com - Is a cheap ($20 a year to start) way to do book giveaways in a variety of formats, and higher tiers include features like Prolificworks.com. I'm fond of the starter tier as its a great way to make book giveaways easier (and if you don't want to host your giveaways).

To make these work you have to obviously be dedicated to it and work out strategies. I use them to:

Give away free stuff and samples to my newsletter subscribers.

Give away a few copies of new books via Prolificworks.com

Have promotional giveaways (often samples) that people can sign up to my newsletter to get.

I join groups on Prolificworks.com to do team giveaways.

I use both - Instafreebie lets me set up easy giveaways, and Prolificworks gives me all sorts of options.

If you use KDP, there's a KDP Exclusive you can use for eBooks. In exchange for making your work exclusive with Amazon, you get some tools to set up sales and giveaways.  It’s easy for starting authors.

Have A Portfolio

If you're a visual artist of any kind, have a portfolio. Put it on your website, use a social media site like Deviantart.com, whatever. People want to see your work and maybe buy it, so make it easy to do. If you take commissions, it's pretty much a way to market yourself.

Non-visual artists like authors may want a portfolio as well. This would contain:

Cover art.

Sample works.

Free giveaways.

Summaries of your work (with links to purchase it). For instance, I have a press website a lot like this.

Do Series

If you're doing fiction, you probably already have a series in mind. If your books are non-fiction, you may want to group them into series, because various bookselling sites will remind people that "X book is part of Y" series.  If you’re an artist, this may help as well.

The advantage of the series are:

A series promotes the books within it.  When people seem a book is in a series, they may check out another.

A series creates cross-promotion as it sells.  When one book gets another book to sell, the various websites that sell them may refer books to other readers.

A series shows commitment.  When you’re doing a series it shows that you care and plan to stick around – or did stick around.

It takes time for a series to “take off.”  Once it starts getting attention and people buy other books, then they get more recommendations, more attention, etc.  On Amazon and other book distribution services, this results in more promotion over time.

A series can even act as a kind of low-profit loss-leader or self-promotional.  If someone buys small books in a series, or you write a series to focus on a popular subject, then it gets attention to your other works.

Do Multiple Formats

One of the challenges of selling media is that people want to consume it in different formats.  Unless you’re very sure that your target audience wants a certain format, try out different ways to sell things.  

If you write books, then consider ebooks, different ebook formats, and print.

If you do art, maybe your art can be in several sizes and formats.

For instance, I’ve found some of my physical books sell well around the holidays as people use them as gifts.  Others are the kind of thing people want in print for easy review or taking notes.  So over time I’ve branched out in my book formats.

Remember every sale helps – though some formats (like print) are hard and costly to set up, so evaluate their worth.

Calculated Distribution (Authors)

This part is pretty much only for authors – and for book distribution.

For print books, your usual choices are Amazon and IngramSpark (or IngramSpark via Lulu).  Amazon doesn’t charge, the other services do, but bookstores don’t always like to stock Amazon books as it’s a competitor.

For ebooks, your choices are:

Go with Amazon’s KDP Select, where you only go through Amazon but get marketing tools like sales.  Amazon is the majority of the market, so if you go Amazon its easier.

Distribute incredibly widely.  This takes time, and you don’t get Amazon’s marketing tools, but you get the chance to make more sales.  Some authors I know find they sell more books outside of Amazon, but I haven’t figured out any rules or principles to this.

If you go broad here’s my take

Draft2Digital is the easiest way to go broad, but only does eBooks.  I also recommend managing your Amazon account separately.  Draft2Digital doesn’t have the broadest range, but it’s free (taking a cut of your sales) and very, very well done.

Smashwords is also free, but takes a larger cut and doesn’t have the extras of Draft2Digital.  It does get into a few unusual areas of distribution.

Lulu.com will do full service, but partners with Ingrahm, and there are charges.

Ingrahm is full service as well, and charges.  It’s probably a better choice than Lulu these days.

Publish Lots Of Stuff

Like it or not your goal as a creator is to be noticed so people get ahold of your work and benefit from it.  This means that you may need to create lots of works to get attention – or use work that you aren’t making public to do the same.

For instance, I realized that a lot of my blog ideas were better off as books – or could be turned into books.  There was far more benefit to turning certain ideas into small books (or expanding existing work into books) than letting things sit.  Some things just work better as a book anyway, and I have more works that people can get their hands on.

(Plus, the polishing that goes into a book made them, honestly, higher quality.)

If you’re an artist it’s probably the same thing, depending on your market.  If you have lots of different things to sell and buy and do you increase your chance to get more sold.  

Remember that this ties into having series as well.  Don’t just publish lots of stuff, tie it together as series.

Advertising (Mostly for Authors)

I’ve used both Google ads and Amazon for books, though it’s been awhile since I’ve done Google (and I may want to try again).  I have done a lot with AMS, or Amazon Marketing Services.

AMS lets you set up promotional ads to appear during searches or on pages of specific projects, and you can set up keywords, targets, and even decide what to pay for a clickthrough.  It’s a pretty advanced tool, and though it obviously only targets Amazon, that’s a pretty big market!  The challenge is that you have to figure out the right words, monitor progress (to avoid overspending or waste), and tweak marketing for each book.

I’ve found it effective, but it takes a lot of work.  What I do is update AMS every month or so with new terms, shut off ones that aren’t working, and try to get an idea of what works.  You can download data from each ad you set up, and then make a new ad with just the data that worked.  You honestly need to start with 100-200 search terms to get it working.

Paragraph

Done right, I find AMS yields roughly $2 in sales or more for each $1 spent – as long as you tweak the advertising, cancel bad projects, and keep learning.

More To Come

That’s my latest!  I hope it helps you out!

Steven Savage

www.StevenSavage.com

www.InformoTron.com

[berrygibbs88-blog]

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[theonyxpath]

Going to make this one a taaaad bit shorter than last week’s. While I’d like to say it is in the interest of giving you loyal readers a break, in fact it’s because I really didn’t sleep well last night and my brain is mush.

For example, without my going back and really concentrating, most of the writing I’m doing right now looks like this:

Mopst oif tHr wrttiomg I”n dopIngh lokks L1je tyhjiis.

As you might imagine, it’s put quite the damper on my writing this blog.

No worries, though, the reason for the crappy sleep isn’t something important, or connected to Onyx Path, or anything like that. As near as I can figure, I was having anxiety dreams because my kids are all going back to their various schools starting yesterday and finishing next weekend.

They were expressing their concerns and had last minute this and thats, and all of that seeped into my head and I dreamed what I thought were three hour epic searches for classrooms only to wake up and note that 15 minutes had passed. Over and over again. I never even knew that my high school was built by the same architect who designed Hogwarts, but all those Mobius Strip escalators to the same floor, and doors that led to nowhere logical, were all there at dear old Central High.

Apparently.

  Promethean: The Created Tormented art by Tilen Javornik

    Although, the particular manifestation was pretty benign and keyed to my personal “can’t find the class and the bell is ringing” freak-out, what I went through is pretty common. We take in so much stuff from others and chew it up, internalize it, and some of us can let those anxieties escape via dreams, which is pretty cool, but other stuff stays in and does affect us.

Plus, if you are doing “creative work”, a large part of that process is to open yourself up and not just absorb input from outside yourself, but to grab that stuff and use it. To use it and create something with it. It’s what we do in a very basic sense. Some do it with creative processes that have discrete stages that build towards the end creative result, others have a more intuitive process that may not even seem like there’s a creative process so much as spontaneous creation. To an outside observer.

It so happens that our business, like so many, relies on constant communication; between our in-house folks, between all our freelance creative teams, between us and our Onyx Path community, and the gaming community as a whole. That’s a lot of input, and as with so much of social media, a lot of it is not helpful – whether by intent or accidentally. It is exhausting to weed out so much extra noise to get to the signal you need for your project.

Which is why I encourage, and sometimes order, our Onyx Path crew to take vacations. Gotta let the brain absorb different input. It’s tough, though, because we do have so many projects all going at different stages for different game lines, so there’s no “good” time for a vacation, usually. Nevertheless, it is so very necessary.

And it so happens that post-Gen Con is a great time to decompress and get revved up for pulling things together as we head towards the new year, so we’ve been blinking away one at a time and popping back so another one of our Onyx team can get away for a bit.

    Monarchies of Mau art by Pat McEvoy

    In fact, the time between Gen Con and Fall also sounded like  a good time to reconfigure our Onyx Path website. After all, every site Impish Ian looked at said it was a five minute change. Liars! A big apology from us to everyone who couldn’t log in, or post, or get emails (that may have just been me) during the process of changing over, realizing it wasn’t working, and changing everything back. If we had known it wasn’t actually as easy as it said on the tin, we would have warned everybody.

Fortunately, Kickstarter is not connected directly to our website, so we were able to launch the Dystopia Rising: Evolution Kickstarter and fund within a day. Which is awesome because that means we can get to move quickly into creating some of the also awesome Stretch Goal projects.

We also have some equally awesome reward tiers that include getting your character into both the text and the visuals, yourself done up as one of the zombies in the art, and artifacts from the early days of the Dystopia Rising LARP. Like all of our KSs, we’ve tried to add fun and flavorful rewards that connect directly with both our new edition and the previous incarnations of the setting. Check out the link in our BLURBS! section below!

In this stretch leading up to the Labor Day Weekend, our sales partners at Indie Press Revolution are wrapping up the wildly successful 40% sale they’ve been running on our Deluxe W20 and M20 printer overrun books. If you’ve missed out on these beauties, this may be your best chance at getting them at these sorts of prices! Only until the end of the month: https://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/Deals-and-Specials/

In their continuing efforts to open up more Community Content sites, White Wolf will be adding Exalted to their Storytellers’ Vault site on DTRPG.com. All three editions will be opened, but if you want to create something for any of the three, please carefully read the info provided on the site detailing what is and isn’t allowed.

It’s a great opportunity to create, publish, and get paid for your unofficial Exalted material, and as Matthew Dawkins likes to point out, the Community Content sites are also a super way to “audition” for writing for official projects with us at Onyx Path.

No guarantees, of course. And better I stress it now, yes, we still hold the license to create official Exalted material, and WW is the company that runs the site and determines what is allowable, not Onyx Path.

    Cavaliers of Mars art by Nate Pride

    In fact, since this is the last week of the month, two things happen here at Onyx Path. One, we put up the latest monthly installments of EX3‘s Hundred Devils Night Parade and Adversaries of the Righteous on Wednesday. We’re getting to the point where we’re looking to assemble at least the Hundred Devil monthly releases into a single book, although we actually still have a lot more to go.

Would you folks prefer us to get the current batch assembled into a book now, and then create a second book later, or hold off and create one big book? I’m probably going to ask the EX3 backers this in the monthly Backer Update too.

What’s a Backer Update, you say? Why that is an update for one of our Kickstarted projects that we send out every month to those who backed that KS. Since we have a lot of KS’d projects, James and I send out a lot of Backer Updates each month.

We send them monthly because after long experience we’ve decided that once a month is a good reliable pace to get the on-going status for the KS you backed, and if something happens that backers need to know about, like a PDF going out or a book shipping, we’ll send more updates.

Now, if you’ve backed a few of our KSs, that means you get a lot of very similar Backer Updates, particularly since we also include a notice about whatever our current Kickstarter is. We realize that hearing about a new KS while waiting for yours to progress, or getting a bunch of repeated notices, can get tedious, but please bear in mind that we also always used to get complaints that previous backers didn’t know about our current KS.

With the dearth of strong centralized communication in this business, we chose to notify our previous backers about the current KS rather than have folks miss out on it. YMMV of course, but those “Why didn’t I hear about this KS?” messages have dropped off dramatically and we sure hope those folks have had a chance to jump into the latest KS.

After all, our KSs run the same range of game worlds as our game lines: WoD, CofD, Exalted 3rd, our Storypath and 5e based settings and more – there are a lot of interests out there and we’re trying to keep the communication flowing about our:

Many Worlds, One Path!

  BLURBS!

KICKSTARTER:

    The Dystopia Rising: Evolution Kickstarter funded in less than a day, and has already passed one Stretch Goal!

The next Stretch Goal is where we start building the Threat Guide companion PDF which is a first-person guide with mechanics to the various threats facing survivors in the DR:E world, so we’re pretty excited to get started with that!

Dystopia Rising is a post-apocalyptic roleplaying game that quickly grew into a live-action sensation. Now, Onyx Path is pleased to update the live-action setting with Dystopia Rising: Evolution, a tabletop roleplaying game that presents a fresh and exciting take on the post-apocalypse genre.

Dystopia Rising: Evolution will be powered by Onyx Path’s Storypath system, and includes all the rules you need to play as a survivor in the post-apocalypse, including rules for creating characters for up to 24 different Strains, variations on humanity that survived the Fall. It also has details on the powers of faith and psionics, along with advice on running action-adventure stories, webs of personal intrigue, or procedural investigations. And, finally, dozens of antagonists, including a variety of zombies and raiders to use in your series.

Throughout this Kickstarter campaign, we will be posting complete previews of the Dystopia Rising: Evolution manuscript as backer-only updates.

  ELECTRONIC GAMING:

As we find ways to enable our community to more easily play our games, the Onyx Dice Rolling App is now live! Our dev team has been doing updates since we launched based on the excellent use-case comments by our community, and this thing is both rolling and rocking!

Here are the links for the Apple and Android versions:

http://theappstore.site/app/1296692067/onyx-dice

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.onyxpathpublishing.onyxdice&hl=en

Three different screenshots, above.

  ON AMAZON AND BARNES & NOBLE:

You can now read our fiction from the comfort and convenience of your Kindle (from Amazon) and Nook (from Barnes & Noble).

If you enjoy these or any other of our books, please help us by writing reviews on the site of the sales venue you bought it from. Reviews really, really help us with getting folks interested in our amazing fiction!

Our selection includes these fiction books:

Vampire: The Masquerade: The Endless Ages Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: Rites of Renown: When Will You Rage II (Kindle, Nook)

Mage: The Ascension: Truth Beyond Paradox (Kindle, Nook)

Chronicles of Darkness: The God-Machine Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Mummy: The Curse: Curse of the Blue Nile (Kindle, Nook)

Beast: The Primordial: The Primordial Feast Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Vampire: The Masquerade: Of Predators and Prey: The Hunters Hunted II Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: The Poison Tree (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: Songs of the Sun and Moon: Tales of the Changing Breeds (Kindle, Nook)

Vampire: The Requiem: The Strix Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Forsaken: The Idigam Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Mage: The Awakening: The Fallen World Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Vampire: The Masquerade: The Beast Within Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: W20 Cookbook (Kindle, Nook)

Exalted: Tales from the Age of Sorrows (Kindle, Nook)

Chronicles of Darkness: Tales of the Dark Eras (Kindle, Nook)

Promethean: The Created: The Firestorm Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Demon: The Descent: Demon: Interface (Kindle, Nook)

Scarred Lands: Death in the Walled Warren (Kindle, Nook)

V20 Dark Ages: Cainite Conspiracies (Kindle, Nook)

Chronicles of Darkness: Strangeness in the Proportion (Kindle, Nook)

Vampire: The Requiem: Silent Knife (Kindle, Nook)

Mummy: The Curse: Dawn of Heresies (Kindle, Nook)

  OUR SALES PARTNERS:

We’re working with Studio2 to get Pugmire out into stores, as well as to individuals through their online store. You can pick up the traditionally printed main book, the Screen, and the official Pugmire dice through our friends there!

https://studio2publishing.com/search?q=pugmire

    Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Try this link! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/Onyx-Path-Publishing/

Here’s the link to the press release we put out about how Onyx Path is now selling through Indie Press Revolution: http://theonyxpath.com/press-release-onyx-path-limited-editions-now-available-through-indie-press-revolution/

And you can now order Pugmire: the book, the screen, and the dice! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/manufacturers.php?manufacturerid=296

SPECIAL W20 and M20 SALE! Huge savings on our Deluxe printing overruns until 8/31!

4 DAYS LEFT!

https://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/Deals-and-Specials/

    DRIVETHRURPG.COM:

    This week we have the next two installments in our monthly Exalted 3rd Edition releases for Hundred Devils Night Parade (Steel Eater and Gem Seeker) and Adversaries of the Righteous (Adeimantus) in PDF on Wednesday!

    CONVENTIONS!

From Fast Eddy Webb, we have these:

Eddy will be speaking at Broadleaf Writers Conference (September 22-23) in Decatur, GA. He’ll be there to talk about writing for interactive fiction, and hanging out with other writers who have far more illustrious careers. http://broadleafwriters.com/3rd-annual-broadleaf-writers-conference/3rd-annual-broadleaf-writers-conference-speakers/

Eddy will also be a featured guest at Save Against Fear (October 12-14) in Harrisburg, PA. He’ll be running some Pugmire games, be available for autographs, and will sometimes accept free drinks. http://www.thebodhanagroup.org/about-the-convention

  Dixie Cochran will be at High Level Games Con in Atlantic City October 12-14, running a Women in Game Design panel, Eddy’s RPG Developer Bootcamp, and possibly making a surprise appearance at another event!

    And now, the new project status updates!

DEVELOPMENT STATUS FROM FAST EDDY WEBB (projects in bold have changed status since last week):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep)

C20 Novel (Jackie Cassada) (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 The Technocracy Reloaded (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 Victorian Mage (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Aberrant core (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Tales of Excellent Cats (Monarchies of Mau)

Scion Companion: Mysteries of the World (Scion 2nd Edition)

City of the Towered Tombs (Cavaliers of Mars)

Night Horrors: Nameless and Accursed (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

Heirs to the Shogunate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Witch-Queen of the Shadowed Citadel (Cavaliers of Mars)

Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition core rulebook (Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition)

  Redlines

Deviant: The Renegades (Deviant: The Renegades)

  Second Draft

WoD Ghost Hunters (World of Darkness)

Tales of Good Dogs – Pugmire Fiction Anthology (Pugmire)

Aeon Aexpansion (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

C20 Players’ Guide (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

In Media Res (Trinity Continuum: Core)

Wr20 Book of Oblivion (Wraith: The Oblivion 20th Anniversary Edition)

Lunars: Fangs at the Gate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Changeling: The Lost 2nd Companion (Changeling: The Lost 2nd)

Spilled Blood (Vampire: The Requiem 2nd Edition)

CofD Dark Eras 2 (Chronicles of Darkness)

V5 Chicago By Night (Vampire: The Masquerade)

M20 Book of the Fallen (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

  Development

Signs of Sorcery (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

Hunter: the Vigil 2e core (Hunter: the Vigil 2nd Edition)

Fetch Quest (Pugmire)

CofD Contagion Chronicle (Chronicles of Darkness)

Dystopia Rising: Evolution (Dystopia Rising: Evolution)

Night Horrors: Shunned by the Moon (Werewolf: The Forsaken 2nd Edition)

Changeling: The Lost 2nd Jumpstart (Changeling: The Lost 2nd)

Adventures for Curious Cats (Monarchies of Mau)

  Manuscript Approval:

  Editing:

They Came From Beneath the Sea! Rulebook (TCFBtS!)

Dog and Cat Ready Made Characters (Monarchies of Mau) (With Eddy)

  Post-Editing Development:

Scion: Hero (Scion 2nd Edition)

Trinity Continuum Core Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)

Trinity Continuum: Aeon Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)

Ex Novel 2 (Aaron Rosenberg) (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Exalted 3rd Novel by Matt Forbeck (Exalted 3rd Edition)

GtS Geist 2e core (Geist: the Sin-Eaters Second Edition)

M20 Gods and Monsters (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

Night Horrors: The Tormented (Promethean: The Created 2nd Edition)

Guide to the Night (Vampire: The Requiem 2nd Edition)

  Indexing:

Changeling: The Lost 2e 

    ART DIRECTION FROM MIRTHFUL MIKE:

  In Art Direction

Dystopia Rising: Evolution – KS is going.

VtR: Guide to the Night – sketches and some finals rolling in.

M20: Gods and Monsters – AD’d and Contracted, Leblanc already has sketches in.

Geist 2e

The Realm

Trinity Continuum (Aeon and Core)

Ex3 Monthly Stuff

Ex3 Dragon Blooded

Chicago By Night – Most of the KS art is divided up. Sending out notes and contracts Monday morning.

  Marketing Stuff

  In Layout

Lost 2e Screen 

Fetch Quest

  Proofing

Scion Hero – Putting in Neal’s changes

PTC: Night Horrors: The Tormented

Scion Origin – Neall inputting errata changes… then it’ll come back to me to firm up.

  At Press

Monarchies of Mau – Printing. Dice and buttons printing.

Cavaliers of Mars – Shipping to Studio2.

Wraith 20th – Prepping the Deluxe files, still poking printer for cover specs.

Monarchies of Mau Screen – Shipping to Studio2.

Cavaliers of Mars Screen – Shipping to Studio2.

Wraith 20 Screen – Printing.

Scion Dice – At fulfillment shipper.

Cav Talent cards – PoDs proofing.

SL Trilogy Pt 1,2,3 – PoDs proofing.

  TODAY’S REASON TO CELEBRATE: Folks enjoying vacations as the summer heads to a close and lots of folks go back to school!