#relating to billy even harder after this i can’t lie

[ickypuppi3]

i’m so sad

[platypanthewriter]

Fuck the Afterlife

Don’t worry, nobody’s dead...that we know.  Harringrove April Prompt Day 24: Afterlife!  A misunderstanding leads to everybody appreciating Billy a whole lot.

Billy couldn’t stop snickering under the sheet, even with Steve’s arms around him, and his face sniffling against Billy’s side, so Max stalked over to the bed and kicked Billy’s leg.  “Shut up,” she slurred, at five in the morning, her hand locked with Lucas’.  Their wedding rings gleamed.  “You’re dead, remember,” she told Billy, “—so shut the hell up.”  Will giggled from over by the window, wiping his eyes, but El still looked solemn.

“You shut up,” Billy hissed back.  “Stop drinking, everybody, jesus, how come I’m the only sober person here.” 

“You think I’m gonna turn down free liquor,” Erica Sinclair said, sitting against the windowsill, and playing with the little umbrella in her glass.  Robin laughed, leaning against the window, tears streaking down her face.

“Because…’cause we all thought.  Thought you were dead,” Nancy muttered, staggering into the foot of the bed, and leaning her elbows on the footboard.  “Steve here was drunk before he even called us.”

“I’m just saying, if I have to lie here like a corpse with a sheet over my face—” Billy started, but Max cut him off.

“Dead men don’t get cocktails,” she said, waving something blue, and taking a swig.  “We gather here to celebrate the life of one Billy Hargrove,” she intoned, to general sniffles and giggles.  “So shut up and listen, dead man, you brought this on yourself.  Billy Hargrove,” she sighed, “—a man I definitely did not know and had no relation to, who died due to gross sex crimes.”

Everyone laughed harder, and Billy threw the sheet back, propping himself up on his elbow to glare around at the Sinclairs, and Robin Buckley, and what seemed like half the town.  His face was flaming.  “Hang on now,” he said, waving his splinted finger.  “I’m not gonna sit here—”

“Lie here,” Dustin put in, from where he sat by Steve’s feet, and Billy flipped him off.  

“I’m not gonna lie here and get accused of gross sex crimes when that’s not even what happened—”

“Don’t you look me in the eyes and tell me you’ve never committed any gross sex crimes, you fucking liar,” Max growled, and Billy stared around at the faces gathered around his bed, opened his mouth, cocked his head, and closed his mouth again.  “And I can’t hear you anyway, you’re fucking dead, shut up.”

“I’m so glad you’re not really dead,” Steve sniffled into Billy’s chest, reeking of tequila.  He rolled to flop an arm over Billy’s stomach and elbowed him in the gut, and Billy oof’d, and then put his splinted hand around his boyfriend, and leaned to kiss his hair.  “Love you,” Steve mumbled, into Billy’s chest.  “Don’t be dead.  I miss you,” he gulped.  “I miss you so much.”

“I’m not dead,” Billy said, for like the nine-hundredth time.

“Look at him,” Max pointed to Steve.  “Look what you did.”

Billy laughed harder, grimacing.  “I just jammed my finger!  I didn’t die!  I definitely didn’t die of any gross sex crimes without you, babe,” he whispered into Steve’s hair, and Steve harrumphed.

“Damn straight,” he mumbled.  “No sex crimes without me.  Love you.”

“Gross, this is a sex crime, my eyes are suffering, oh my god,” Max groaned.

“We’re all suffering, Billy,” Nancy said, finally, putting her hands on her hips.  “How dare you drive yourself to the hospital with a broken finger and not call anyone for nine hours and then drive yourself home—”

“It’s not my fault they got the records mixed up!” Billy yelled again, laughing, and squeezing Steve gently.  “I thought Steve was asleep!  Look, I just jammed my finger and it swelled up, I didn’t wanna wake anybody—” Billy grimaced.

“How’d that happen,” El asked, frowning at his splinted hand, and Billy groaned.  

“I...uh,” he grimaced, reluctant to admit he’d nearly died of what Max would definitely consider a gross sex crime—showering the jizz off himself after Steve fell asleep, he’d had a little jerk-off session remembering how good the night had been, gotten lightheaded as the blood rushed to his dick, and fallen in the shower.  He cleared his throat, grimacing, and felt his face redden further.  “I fell in the shower,” he said, sniffing as though Robin’s snickering was unfounded.

“You gross sex criminal,” Max hissed.  “How dare you almost die of sex crimes—”

“You have people who care,” Nancy yelled, wiping her eyes.  They’d all been crying, Billy registered, again.  It didn’t seem any more believable than an hour ago, when he’d gotten home from the hospital, crept in from the garage so as not to wake Steve, and everyone had screamed, running towards him.  Lucas Sinclair and Max had shaken him until his teeth rattled, both crying, and Nancy Wheeler had hugged him until his back cracked, taking ragged breaths into his shoulder.  Steve hadn’t let go of him since.

Erica had tried to get Billy to lie down with his arms crossed on the coffee table, like a vampire, but he’d rolled his eyes and hauled Steve—and the crowd of crying drunks—upstairs.

Billy was pretty sure he was having a really weird dream.  

“You can ask for help next time,” Nancy said, pointing at him, and rubbing her runny nose.  She flailed a hand behind her, and Robin handed her a kleenex.  “Wake your boyfriend up!  Call me!”

“Yeah, shut up and take your punishment,” Erica Sinclair sighed.  “You turned them into this, now lie the fuck down, you stupid corpse.”

Billy did so, sighing, but he left his arm sticking out to stroke Steve’s hair.  “‘M not dead,” he muttered.

“We gather here to celebrate the life of one Billy Hargrove,” Max said again, “—my brother, who is annoying as shit, and I’m really pissed at him,” she said, her voice shaking, “—b-because I thought he died tonight.”

“Guys,” Billy mumbled, his eyes stinging, now, and she kicked his thigh.

“Shut up.  I had to make Lucas drive me over here,” she said, sniffling, and clearing her throat, “—because I kept letting the clutch out and killing the engine, and all I could think was my brother’s goddamn ghost voice saying ‘—clutch, Max.  Don’t murder my car, Max,’ and then I thought I-I’ll never have to take his shit again—” she covered her mouth, shutting her eyes tight on a strangled noise, and Billy peered wide-eyed at her over the edge of the sheet.  “—and I missed you,” she choked out, and Billy tried to scramble up, but she kicked him in the leg again, bruising, by now, he was fairly sure.  

“Stay there,” she hissed.  “I pulled a sweatshirt of yours on on the way and smelled your stank and I thought—I thought I’ll never smell it again, I’ll have to just—just curl up in this, it’s the last time I’ll smell your shitty cologne—”

“It’s nice cologne,” Steve mumbled.

She stomped forward to kick Billy again, choking back a sob, and Lucas grabbed her around the waist, holding her back.  

“Glad you’re okay, man,” he said, and Billy nodded, relieved, but Erica raised her hand.  

“Foul,” she said.  “This is a wake.”

“Okay, okay,” Lucas said, obviously thinking.  “Thanks for...getting better,” he said, grimacing.  “You...you went from just being Max’s scary brother to saving one of my best friends,” he said, then paused, biting his lips together.  “I’m glad you’re my brother too,” he said, shrugging a shoulder, and Billy groaned and made a face at him, knowing Lucas Sinclair was probably the only person as embarrassed by this situation as he was.  Lucas grimaced back over Max’s head, but grinned.

 After a long pause next to the bed, Will said “I’m so glad you’re not dead,” so shakily even Erica didn’t try and make him keep talking, and then El broke the rules of the fake funeral, and just hugged Billy.

Billy tried not to die of embarrassment as Nancy talked, long and sincerely, about how happy he made Steve, and Steve nodded against his side, occasionally raising his arm with a thumb up.  

“S’all true,” he mumbled.

Robin waved Max and Erica off when they tried to get her to talk, smiling.  She wiped her eyes too.  “I’m just glad I don’t have to call everyone and tell them another gay dude died,” she said, a little bitterly.  “Everybody asks about you.”  Her eyes filled with tears, though, and Billy felt a pang of guilt for scaring her.

Dustin hauled off with a whole best man speech at that point, all about how annoying Steve was when they’d first started fucking, and Billy thought he might melt away at the news Steve had liked him so soon.  Dustin, the little shit, knew exactly what he was doing.  “He kept saying ‘I never want him to leave’,” Dustin said, just dropping that bomb with a sly grin.  “Like, ‘Is that weird?  Am I crazy?  I never want him to leave.’”

“Oh my god,” Billy mumbled.

“S’true,” Steve sighed.

“I am conditionally glad you’re alive,” Erica said, and Dustin started cackling, “—because of the way the hospital told Steve you died.  I was really looking forward to telling everybody,” she said, sighing.

“Wait, what the fuck did they tell you,” Billy asked, yanking the sheet off his face again.  

“And then I remembered I’d lose my quiz night teammate,” Erica said, crossing her arms.  

“Said I c’d do it,” Steve slurred.  “Said—”

“Fucking hell fucking no, Steve,” Erica said calmly.  “Billy told me about when you got the ‘who was president during the first gay marriage’ question—”

“ABE LINCOLN!” Steve yelled, again, and Billy groaned, cackling, as Max snorted loudly.  

“...hun,” Billy said, and Steve shook his head, pushing himself up to frown back woozily.

“All...men...created...equal,” he enunciated carefully.  “Abe Lincoln.”

“I mean, to be fair, that shoulda handled it,” Robin pointed out, and Steve gave her two fingerguns.  

“I’ll stay alive and be your bar quiz partner,” Billy told Erica, crossing his heart, and she narrowed her eyes.

“Good, because your man there doesn’t believe in narwhals,” she said, and Steve groaned.

“Stop lying to me about narwhals,” he mumbled.  “I’ve been to the zoo.  Din’t see any...unicorn...whales.”

“They don’t keep them in cages, babe, they’re still whales,” Billy told him, and got a hard prod.  

“He’s a conspiracy theorist,” Steve mumbled sadly.  “Came back from the dead to lie to me about narwhals.”

“I didn’t die, babe,” Billy told him, leaning in for a tequila-flavored kiss.  

“I couldn’t wait to tell the whole dorm a guy I knew shoved a lightbulb up his ass and electrocuted himself over Spring Break,” Erica said, sighing wistfully, and Nancy and Robin started laughing so hard they leaned in to each other.  Billy shot upright in bed, dumping Steve off his shoulder, and nearly clonking skulls with El.

“I’m sorry, they said what,” he said flatly.  “You guys really believed I stuck a lightbulb up my ass and electrocuted myself?  How fucking stupid do you think I am?!”

“You have me,” Steve mumbled, sniffling and reaching for the Tequila, and Dustin snatched it away.

“Oh, no, buddy, you don’t need any more of that,” he said, and Billy nodded.  

“You don’t need to put a lamp up your ass,” Steve mumbled into Billy’s thigh, sniffling, as Billy laughed helplessly.  “You have me, babe—don’t cheat with a lamp.” 

“Yeah, sweetie,” Billy said, yanking him into a tight hug.  “Fuck heaven, right?  Never gonna leave.”

 Here are my other Harringrove April prompts!

[benzbantz]

Best 100 Songs of the decade!

As a new decade will be upon us shortly (the 20’s) I wanted to share some of my favourite tracks from the last 10 years. I’m a pop and rap guy mostly so that’s what you can mostly expect but hopefully a few surprises along the way. I’ll post 100 songs I really loved (in no particular order) then my top 25 absolute favourites at the end. Ok here we go

~Bad Romance - Lady Gaga

To limit myself to just one GaGa track is cruel and not easy, Edge of Glory and Born this Way are both anthems and technically this came out last moment 2009 ..but didn’t pop until 2010. A classic that makes it to most my playlists.

~Airplanes- B.O.B ft Hayley Williams (A classic no need to say more.)

~Love the Way you Lie - Eminem ft Rihanna

A absolutely brutal tune about a toxic relationship full of of lies and abuse, the powerful video really sells the tone of the song.

~Rescue Me - Skepta

Used to love Grime but gone off it for a while now. I wouldn’t call this an outright grime track but Skepta def brings the gritty uk rap scene on this one.

~Forget you ~ Ceeloo Green

Thou I prefer the Gnarls Barkley music style, this is still a awesome tune. Always fun to tell someone to do one in a sing song melody.

~Written in the Stars- Tinie Tempah ft Eric Turner

Used to love me some TT, this was a real catchy banger with great chorus by Eric Turner.

~Raise your glass - Pink (Not much to say, a pop classic)

~I need a Dr - Eminem, ft Dr Dre and Skylar Grey

This is such a underrated song. You have to really know your Dre and Em history to catch everything being said (which I won’t go into here) Brilliant tune and my fave they both worked on together that decade.

~Animal- Neon Trees

Really catchy little number that I enjoyed from first hearing.

~Look at me now - Chris Brown ft Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes

Busta Rhymes rap, that is all!

~Moves like Jagger - Maroon 5, Christina Aguilera

A great sing a long featuring two artists I’m not mad about really so a surprise like from me.

~ In the heat of the moment - Noah Gallagher’s High Flying Birds

What a tune, completely missed this first time around heard on a tv show recently checked it was this decade and then added it right on the list. Banger.

~Summertime Sadness AND ~Love - Lana Del Ray

2 for 1. When Summertime Sadness came out I was mesmerised by Lana’s voice had never heard anything like it before. Safe to say she is my artist of the decade but haven’t raided this count down with all her music. A couple here and a couple of my absolute faves in my ultimate top 25. Love was very heard to keep out of my top 25.

~Stronger (What doesn’t kill you) - Kelly Clarkson

Come on now, if you haven’t belted this one out the top of your lungs at least once I don’t know what you’ve been doing the last ten years.

~Somebody that I used to know - Goyte ft Kimbra

Went thru moments of really liking this song then it really irritating me (played on radio A LOT), thankfully years later the hype has died so I can appreciate it once more.

Midnight City- M83

This is not really my sort of music at all ,so much so I’m not even sure how to describe it. Has a 80’s feel which I love. Just love the infusion of synths and instrumental. Plus the singer has a very calm melodic voice. Great track.

~T.H.E - Will.I.Am ft Mick Jagger and Jennifer Lopez

Absolutely love this song so catchy very Fergie era BEP sounding, with a great guest solo from Mick Jagger.

~212 - Azealia Banks (not much to add on this, banger!)

~Too Close - Alex Close

If you don’t recognise this song from title you will once you hear it, such a forgotten gem.

~Picking up the Pieces - Paloma Faith

Another unique voice that def makes my top ten newly discovered artists this decade is Paloma Faith, her cover of Mama Cass’s Make your own kind of music also deserves a strong mention. Also not related to the music but Paloma is mad as a box of frogs in real life which I love.

~Bangarang- Skrillex

Yeah you’re not leaving alive from this post without a Skrillex nod I’m afraid, not a big dubstep fan but jumped aboard the band wagon when it was big for five minutes, this songs only thing that made it back with me thou.

~Hall of Fame - The Script ft Will.I.Am

First let’s clear this up I’m not a massive Will.I.Am fan or anything, he was just in EVERYTHING for the first few years of the 10’s. It’s a great song regardless.

~Harder then You think - Public Enemy (What a track, can’t say much more, banger.)

~Locked out of Heaven- Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars had some amazing tracks his debut album Doo Wops and Hooligans featured some brilliant tunes which sadly I just didn’t have space for in this countdown, Grenade, lazy song , Just the way you are, but I’m showing some love to Unorthodox Jukebox here and it’s best track giving Bruno Mars a edgier new vibe.

~Chocolate- 1975

Not my sort of music usually but really enjoyed this laid back rock number,

~Get Lucky - Daft Punk ft Pharrell Williams

Disco is back! Or is was in 2013 when this tune came out, one of the biggest selling singles worldwide in the 2010’s so not much more detail needed on its inclusion.

~Let her Go- Passenger

Nice little number, always liked this one, never really got into there other stuff but had to give this a shout out.

~Can’t hold us - Macklemore ft Ryan Lewis

The Heist is one of my fave albums from the last decade features some great tracks, same love and Thrift Shop get a shout out but this track was my fave, uplifting and full of energy.

~La La La - Naughty Boy feat Sam Smith

This was Sam Smith’s big feature hit before they became the successful solo artist they are now. Great track very different to the music Sam does now.

~Work Bitch - Britney Spears

Don’t roll your eyes! This is a banger, now get to work bitch!

~Rap God - Eminem

For Eminem’s big solo feature on this countdown it was between this, The Ringer or Not afraid. You may of guessed I’m a Eminem fan and have tried to keep his entries down but one does not simply do a music countdown and not include Rap God.

~Of the Night - Bastille

Really like this band they have some great hits, Pompeii is another great song of theirs that I didn’t have space to include. I went for this eerie cover version of the Corona 90’s dance classic as my pick.

~Wrecking Ball - Miley Cyrus (Leave me alone it’s a good song ok 😂)

~Riptide- Vance Joy

A little hidden gem I’d forgotten about until I put this list together.

~Who did that to you? - John Legend

Was going to obviously include All of me in this spot but then I remembered this absolute hit from Django unchained which sneaks in and takes the spot. Both great songs thou.

~Nobody to Love - Sigma (Great little dance track not much to add)

~ When the Party’s Over - Billy Eilish

Yes I’m a 35 year old Billy Eilish fan ok leave me alone lol. Seriously thou this girl is super talented and she’s up there in my fave artists of the decade. There will be more of her in my top 25 but this haunting track deserves a mention.

~Turn down for What - DJ Snake ft Lil Jon

It’s Lil Jon yelling really load of course it’s a banger. Also worth mentioning Ice T did a awesome Rap rock version of this song and it’s amazing!

~Problem- Ariana Grane ft Iggy Azalea

Those saxophone’s thou! Groovy little number no explanation needed.

~Chandelier- Sia

Such a power anthem, I came out as trans in 2014 so this song holds a lot of personal meaning with me but regardless is a great song anyway.

~Thinking Out Load - Ed Sheeran

I’m not the biggest Ed Sheeran fan ,take him or most often leave him ,but did like this sweet ballad. Nothing against his voice it’s his songs that don’t often do it for me but this was great.

~Good Kisser- Usher

Never been huge Usher fan ,liked his earlier stuff, confessions and all that. This was a surprise jazzy bluesy type number thou that I really enjoyed.

~Rude- Magic (A catchy sing along tune)

~Zombie - Jamie T

This guy was one of my fave artists of the 00’s, and thou his newest stuff imo doesn’t compare to his older this was still a tune.

~I - Kendrick Lemar

This is actually best when played after the song ‘U’ , the latter being a self hating song ‘loving you Is complicated’ vs I’s ‘I love myself’ different ends of the spectrum I just included ‘I’as you can enjoy that one on its own but to get the best out of that track I highly recommend listening to U first.

~See you again- Wiz Khalifa ft Charlie Puth

A sad song given it’s a tribute to Paul Walker who died in a car accident. Was overplayed a lot at the time but stands strong several years later.

~Dark Times - The Weeked an Ed Sheeran

What a track, their voices mesh perfectly together in this somber number.

~ Trouble - Iggy Azalea ft Jennifer Hudson (Banger)

~Hotline Bling - Drake

So many Drake songs I could of included, (he will appear again in the top 25) gods plan, headlines, in my feelings, nice for what, all absolutely great tracks but I had to go for my personal fave out of the bunch.

~You don’t own me - Grace ft G-Easy

This may be an odd one to some but I’ve always loved the original by Lesley Gore and this is a amazing cover. Grace has a lovely voice (and there is a non rap version if you’re so inclined) Love a good cover version and this is a awesome cover version.

~Side to Side - Ariana Grande ft Nicki Minaj

Hmm guess I’m a Ariana Grande fan, who knew. A cheeky little number and the first appearance in this countdown of a certain fave rapper of mine.

~Panda - Desiigner (another one where there’s not much I need to add, great tune)

~Dancing on my own - Robyn OR Callum Scott

Take your pick the Robyn original or the Callum Scott cover version, both stand alone great tracks, the original more a melancholy dance track the cover a somber ballad. Both brilliant.

~Alarm - Anne-Marie

A nice little pop tune, really like her voice

~Rockabye- Clean Bandit ft Anne-Marie and Sean Paul

Speaking of Anne-Marie, another great pop track. Super catchy sing along. Sean Paul can be hit or miss for me but works well with this track.

~Human - Rag N Bone Man

This is another one there’s not much I can add this guy’s voice is amazing. Brilliant song particularly love the chains you can hear rattling throughout (reminds me of Johnny Cash’s ‘Ain’t no grave’)

~Black Beatles - Rae Stremmurd ft Gucci Mane

Yep that’s some mumble rap to add to the list (told you my music taste was varied) As a whole I don’t love mumble rap but there’s some stand out tracks including this one.

~Thunder- Imagine Dragons

One of my favourite bands from the last decade, like most there stuff. This song has a great song along chorus. Really catchy track.

~New Rules And IDGAF - Dua Lipa

Honestly couldn’t pick from the two really like them both equally. So you get a double. Catchy pop tracks.

~Sorry not Sorry - Demi Lovato

It was between this or Sober (another great Demi track) but ultimately went with the more upbeat pop number.

~Havana - Camila Cabelllo ft Young Thug (A nice chilled Latino style track.)

~Perfect - Ed Sheeran

A beautiful song by Ed Sheeran,other then ‘sing’ and the previous mentions I’m not really into his stuff but this is lovely track.

~Feel it Still - Portugal the Man

Really catchy song can’t help but tap your toes along to it.

~False Alarm- The Weekend

This was something different from the Weekend, really enjoy this song, Weekend is one of my other fave artists to come out the 2010’s.

~Sanctify — Years and years

Wasn’t keen on there earlier dance stuff but when they found there sound I really enjoyed them.

~This is America- Childish Gambino

Great as this song is you really need to watch the music video as well for the song to have its full impact. Love Childish Gambino could of put several of his songs in this list, excited for future music from this guy.

~Solo - Clean Bandit ft Demi Lovato

A cheeky little pop number you can’t help but sing along to.

~Shotgun - George Ezra

One of those artists I can’t decide if I’m into or not, like one song then not keen on the next, it’s strange, but no denying this is a great song.

~Lucid Dreams - Juice WRLD (RIP)

First off Rest in peace Juice, recently died at 21, very sad. The guy was super talented and was looking forward to his future stuff. Could of picked a few tracks but this was the first song I heard of his so that’s got to be my shout out.

~Only You - Cheat Codes ft Little Mix

Although I don’t mind Little Mix this is there only entry on my list. A nice catchy sing along with a dance beat.

~Lost Without You - Freya Ridings

This almost made it into my top 25, just couldn’t find a space for it. Haunting, melodic song with Freya’s stunning vocals. Don’t play this one after a break up or a death.

~Nothing Breaks like a heart- Mark Ronson ft Miley Cyrus

~Someone you loved - Lewis Capaldi

Think this guys going to be another Ed Sheeran for me, meh most the time with the occasional great song. This one no exception.

~Shut Down - Skepta

With lyrics like ‘Ring ring pussy, it’s shut down’ how can it not be a banger 😂 Not the best song in the world I admit but good fun.

~As we enter- Nas and Damian Marley

Words can’t express how much Iove this track, such a hidden gem. A reggae- rap blend of uplifting brilliance. Great gym playlist track.

~Better Now - Post Malone

Another artist I enjoy on occasion. This is my favourite of Malone’s songs so far.

~Bad at Love - Halsey (another great pop track)

~Bitch Don’t kill my vibe- Kendrick Lamar

Could of picked a number of Kendrick tracks King Kunta, DNA, M.a.a.a.d City, If these walls could talk, just to name a few but I’ll go with the first Kendrick track I heard and loved.

~Heartbeat - Childish Gambino

So gutted I couldn’t find a spot for this banger in my 25 but I had to include it on its own. Unless you’re a CG fan it’s unlikely you’ve heard it. Highly recommended a listen. I can’t even really describe it.

~No role Models- J. Cole

A anthem with a similar feel to Keep your head up by 2pac, a sad song somewhat but with a more upbeat tempo. My personal fave J. Cole song.

~Power - Kanye West

Wow our first Kanye track. I like Kanye ,prefer his older stuff. My dark twisted fantasy was the last album of his I really liked. This was a absolute monster of a tune. Also really liked the song Runaway from the same album. Both have great intros.

~Antidote- Travis Scott

~ No Sleep- Wiz Khalifa

Super catchy song, very anthem sounding.

~Young, Wild and Free - Snoop Dogg, Wiz Khalifa and Bruno Mars

Another catchy tune, powerhouse of a team up.

~Rack City - Tyga

~ Romans Revenge- Nicki Minaj ft Eminem

Absolute banger double up from the king and queen of rap. Also a version she did with Lil Wayne which was very good but the Eminem version wins for me. Also will take the opportunity to give the Lil Wayne and Nicki song ‘knockout’ a shoutout.

~Blazin’- Nicki Minaj ft Kanye west

Another great Nicki Minaj track of the brilliant Pink Friday album. I know some of her more recent stuff hasn’t been great but she came out the gates strong in 2010.

~Pound The Alarm - Nicki Minaj

Last Nicki Minaj track I promise, could of picked this or starships as love them both equally.

~Trap Queen- Fetty Wap

Can’t lie this is something I never thought I’d like but the more I heard it the more I liked it.

~Ultimate- Denzel Curry

Yes the Vine meme song. Banger.

~Bad and Boujee - Migos

Yes more mumble rap, I’m not even sorry

~I’m not racist - Joyner Lucas

Wow maybe the most powerful song on this whole list. Nothing I explain can do it justice you have to give it a listen yourself (with the video)

~Cry Little Sister - Marilyn Manson

Boom, rap to rock just like that. I love Marilyn Manson covers, in the 00’s it was Tainted Love but this time around its this classic from The Lost Boys soundtrack. Creepy song but kinda perfect for Manson.

~Faster- Within Temptation

~End of Time - Beyoncé

Have to include some Beyoncé before this ends it’s the law. This was my favourite of hers.

~ Rumour has it - Adele

Not the biggest Adele fan but she has a few songs I enjoy, set fire to the rain and someone like you also good songs.

~Ugly Boy - Die Anwoord

Yep he’s a Die Antwoord fan 😆 I have no excuses, DA are one of my fave bands. Zef to death.

- Surf - Tommy Cash

Absolutely stupid lyrics but hilarious (need to watch the video also) it’s actually a good song with a awesome beat.

~Bang Bang Bang - Big Bang

To close the top 100 greatest songs of the decade out , some J-pop, I’m not a expert on Jpop I like a couple of artists and a few songs but had to close out with this... bang bang banger!

So here we go top 25 of my absolute faves from the 2010’s. (in no particular order)

~Radioactive- Image Dragons

This song featured in a Assassins creed game trailer (I forget which game) and I searched for it straight away, found it, fell in love, the rest is history. Great beat and vocals.

~Game Over - Tinchy Stryder, Tinie Tempah, Professor Green, Giggs, Devlin, Example, Chip

Wow with that line up it was always going to be a banger. This might be my fave beat ever! Such a tune featuring Rap and grime mvp’s from the UK.

~Gods and Monsters- Lana Del Ray

I know I said in no order but this might be my very favourite song from the last ten years. It’s not even regarded as Lana’s best but I just love everything about it, lyrics, melody and vocals. Perfect song.

~Born to Die - Lana Del Ray

Another melodic masterpiece from Lana Del Ray.

~Bad Girls - M.I.A

Yeah I’m a dude it’s weird this song gets me pumped seriously thou such a catchy song.

~In Paris - Kanye West and Jay -Z

Not much needs to be said, absolute classic.

~Over - Drake

Drake at his best imo, great beat, delivery and lyrics. My fave Drake song.

~Black Skin Head - Kanye West

Powerful song with a amazing beat, powerful lyrics, great gym song to get you pumped.

~Sail - AWOL Nation

You might have guessed by now I like a catchy sing along song with a pumping beat and somber tone. Check.

~Only love can hurt like this - Paloma Faith

Her voice in this is something else. I said it before Paloma Faith is so underrated.

~Bang Bang - Jessie J, Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj

Not to be mistaken for Bang bang bang by big bang featured earlier. Great pop hit.

~Take me to church- Hozier

Powerful song and video.

~Humble- Kendrick Lemar

Banger, not much else I can say.

~Uptown Funk — Bruno Mars

Can’t go wrong with this one, great hit.

~Can’t feel my face- The Weekend

Like most of the stuff this guy brings out, this awesome hit just tops that list.

~Redbone- Childish Gambino

Ok sorry Lana Del Ray but I retract your number one spot for this one. Thought it was Macy Grey or the Delfonics singing when I first heard it then discovered who it was. This has a 70’s soul feel. It’s hard to explain ,if you’ve never heard it give it a listen I’m sure you’ll love it.

~Bad Guy - Billy Eilish

Such a catchy tune, the song that introduced me to her music. Great little dance/pop hit. Fun and a bit freaky. Duh!

~Bury a Friend- Billy Eilish

The way Billy Eilish’s mind works amazes me, how she sees the lyrics, the music and video all as one package. She’s extremely talented and look forward to her taking up most the spots on my 2020’s best of list.

~I miss the misery- Halestorm

Great rock hit, has a very 80’s feel. Lead singer has a amazing voice.

~Sweet but Psycho - Ava Max

Maybe my favourite pure manufactured pop hit of the decade, any female pop star could churn this out and it would do well. Hate to love it.

~Homicide - Logic feat Eminem

If you don’t like rap you won’t get it, if you do, you know where I’m at.

~Stronger then Ever - Raleigh Ritchie

Otherwise known as Grey Worm in Game of Thrones, this guy can hold a tune. Great uplifting track.

~Speedom- Tech N9nne, Eminem

Another great Eminem feature hit. Absolute masterpiece of a record.

~I need - Maverick Sabre

Nice somber melodic song, this guys super talented.

~Cookie Thumper - Die Antwoord

The South African rap rave group strikes again, this one is pretty much a Yolande solo, the beat is insane and thou half of it is in said/sung in Africans it’s still my fave DA song.

~Monster- Kanye West, Jay Z, Nicki Minaj, Rick Ross, Bon Ivor

The title of this track doesn’t lie, beast of a track, arguably Nicki Minaj’s best guest verse ever (‘Where them girls at’ deserves a mention for sure) It’s in all my rap playlists, amazing song.

If you took the time to have a gander at my random countdown then I thank you, I fully expect you not to agree with everything, hopefully something you enjoy musically was mentioned I did my best to spread the genres as much as I enjoyed them. More music and other countdowns to come.

[hiyo-silver]

"What's Up You Guys It's Me, Bdenbrough!" - Revelations.

Summary: Instead of filming a video about his self discovery, Bill elects to just improve his life based on what he realizes.

Chapter 1 2 3 4 5 6 + ao3

Taglist: @fuckboykaspbrak @thesquidliesthuman @rachi0964 @beepbeep-losers @bigbilliamdenbro @jalenrose11 @sleepygaybrough @itandstrangerthingsfanfic @boopboopbichie @peachywyatt @aizeninlefox @sockwantstodie @ahoybyeler @yooonbum @coffeekaspbrak @sedanleystanley @hazelash

Being present online has it’s perks and downfalls. He discovers a website called Tumblr. He makes an account because he hears it’s a good place to post his art. Though he gets wrapped up into some communities unknowingly. Posts about the lgbt community come up on his dash, he can’t help but like a few about being “wlw”, a girl who likes girls, but he can’t commit himself to reblog it, the posts make him smile but he doesn’t feel completely right relating to them.

One day something comes up on his dash that would change his outlook. It’s a resource page for trans men. The word binding catches his eye, it’s like what he does with the sports bras, like how they make him more comfortable. He clicks the link and it takes him to a website, apparently one that gives away free binders to boys who can’t afford to buy them.

He clicks out of it quickly, deleting it from his search history. He feels a lot of anxiety despite how this is relieving to some small part of him. He clicks another link, this one is an article that starts with explaining something called gender dysphoria. The word and definition resonate deep within his chest, his stomach drops. This feels wrong to just be openly browsing in the living room, he should be up in his room with the door closed and locked. It almost feels as bad as the time Richie tried to get him to watch some porn without headphones on.

He takes it upstairs, closing his door behind him a little harder than he meant to. He looks at himself in the mirror, pulling off the two sports bras he’s layered atop each other. He looks at himself then, chewing his lower lip in question. Gender Dysphoria.

gen·der dys·pho·ri·a /ˈjendər disˈfôrēə/ noun MEDICINE the condition of feeling one's emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one's biological sex.

It suddenly makes sense to him. His mind has never really been congruent with the body he’s been given. There’s nothing wrong with his body, he’s in shape, maybe even a little under what his weight should be. But this body just doesn’t feel right. Tears bubble in the corners of his eyes and he yanks the sports bras back on. He almost feels elation like he had when he cut his hair. He understands now, and he can do something about it.

He looks at his bio on tumblr, clicking the edit button on his theme without hesitation. He goes to where the pronouns lie there, “she/her”. He backspaces those, replacing them with “he/him”. He feels his heart beat fast, but it’s not bad. It feels right, refreshing.

Nothing is as amazing as the time someone makes a post about his art. Not only is he filled with joy that someone likes his creations enough, but they used the he to describe him. It feels like the opposite of the word he’d recently discovered. He feels euphoric.

He’s not ready to tell his youtube channel nor his friends or any other followers. But people on tumblr may have already noticed the change in pronouns, he may as well explain. He opens to create a post, staring at the flashing black line where his words should be, where they will be.

“Hello!

So you probably know me simply as bdenbrough. That’s my username, it’s how I go online. It’s actually based off my middle name being Billie, after my grandfather who was named William. My name I won’t say because I don’t feel very connected with it. However, if you want to call me something call me Bill, or Billy.

This isn’t meant to be an inconvenience but I want to try out he/him pronouns after some recent discoveries. Don’t worry, my posts will continue as normal, this is a personal change but nothing else really should change. Thank you for keeping up with my nonsense!”

He clicks post, watching extremely closely as it processes, the posted check mark popping up and making him let out a sigh of relief. Bill. William. It’s perfect. It’s already a part of his name, and even better it’s a tribute to his late granddad whom he’d adored.

He opens the free binders page again for the first time in days. All he has to do is give them his information. He types out his address, his full name. William Billie Denbrough. The middle name will need to change, but for now he can chuckle about it. He submits his form, smiling to himself. He know he probably won’t get one, waiting lists being longer than ever these days. But it’s a start, it’s something to look forward to.

In the future he could be comfortable, he could really be himself once he’s an adult. He can have short hair and a flat chest. He found out about something called testosterone. The word itself even makes him crave to already be 18 and on his own, and able to go on it. One day he won’t have to be this little girl that his mom has tried to cultivate. He’ll be William Denbrough, wearing men’s clothes and growing a gingery beard to balance out how he plans to shave half his head at some point. He may decide against it though, he wants to be manly, not emo.

He decides to read a bit more about binding. He has been supposedly for the past few weeks now. It’s not comfortable. It’s hard to breathe, but then his brain can breathe, it would be impossible to explain to anyone who hasn’t felt it. He learns that he’s doing it unhealthily. He’s not allowed to bind while sleeping, and shouldn’t when exercising. He doesn’t really plan to stop, though until he reads the risks.

Rib bruising, lung contraction, chest deformities. And even the chance that they cannot successfully go through top surgery. This one hits him like a brick, he needs to work harder at actually taking care of himself.

[lasands-artgallery]

I just. Can’t finish this. Too many memories attached. Enjoy....

He’s groggy, that much is for sure. Dean is trying to piece what is going on. Everything after the cocoon is a blur. Laying in a cot serving as a makeshift hospital bed. He’s vaguely aware of voices, ones he recognizes but can just barely not make out. The always annoyed and on edge voice of his Pop, arguing with the calm but spunky tones of Billy.

They must be talking about him, considering his breakdown in The Cocoon earlier. They have been happening more often lately, he’s noticed. The pressure of being a Super Scientist is getting to him.  Pop doesn’t seem to notice or really care. Suddenly, they start yelling at each other. They must not know he is not awake. Even Pop has more tact than to talk about him while he is in the same room.

“How do I even know they are even Dean’s?” Pop asks.

“Because you tested them, you jackass!” Billy hisses.

His? Tested? He rubs his eyes furiously, trying to clear the fog in his head. He must have been out for a while. He has no idea what they are talking about. He can hear footsteps. Pop’s trying to leave the conversation, and Billy following because he isn’t done.

Dean tries to get up but falls back on the cot. He hates that he gets so light headed when he gets up sometimes. Dean decides to stay on the cot and gather as much information as he can. Them being a bit closer means he can hear them a little better.

“Doc,” Billy says, reigning himself in, but just barely. “Think about it. Even if they are not his, what’s the harm? He gets a little attached even though they aren’t related to him?”

“It’s not him I’m worried about, Billy,” Pop says, tone softened. “I’m worried about her. How she’ll react to the ....news.”

"Would you like it if somebody hid something like this from you?" Billy asks pointedly.

Pop sighs heavily. Dean can almost see him pinching his brow, trying to come up with a counterpoint. Dean is still lost and hopes they happen to give more information.

"Fine, she can bring them over tomorrow," Pop relents.

"Bring over who?" Dean asks, unable to help himself.

They turn to look at him, guilty expressions on their faces. Pop approaches him first, a painfully fake smile on his face. It's a bit unnerving, honestly. Billy refuses to make eye contact with him, busying himself with a dozen other things instead. Dean props himself up on the backboard. His Pop clasps his hand over his shoulder, probably as a show of support.

"Hey Dean," Pop says. "You can go back to your room now."

"And," Billy adds. "You have some special visitors tomorrow."

"Okay," he answers.

Dean tried to get more information while Billy was doing his last minute check up on him, but he was tight-lipped about it all. HELPeR wheeled in, chirping happily as he guides him back to his room. He lays in his bed, patting his plush giraffe in greeting. It's been a long three days and he is grateful to see his beloved Mr. Reachy again.

He hears the other bed open, revealing his slightly older brother Hank waking from an impromptu nap. After making sure Dean was all right, he started talking about everything he did while Dean was trapped. Dean doesn't mind Hank regaling him with clearly fake stories about his adventures on The Cocoon. Like Brock would fall for that Guyovitch shtick of Hank's or that any henchman of the Monarch could be a bigger nerd then him. It gave him time to ponder who Billy is talking about. He hopes it's their mommy. He never met her and Pop never talks about her. But Billy said they were for him, not him AND Hank. The mystery only deepens.

Next day turned into next week. Uncle Henry appearing and disappearing, Billy attacking Brock, the new archenemy of his Pop, it just kind of got pushed to the back until the day before his Pop's day camp thing. He was promised after their latest adventure, his guests would be staying the night. Their latest adventure being getting the lawn nice and tidy for tomorrow. With Brock's help, the hapless duo got the lawn in ship shape order. Hank was sulking the entire time, not even making a single garden tool joke. He must have been feeling left out because of the attention being lavished onto Dean. Dean said he could meet them too, causing Hank to roll his eyes and sulk even harder.

Finally, after washing up as Pop ordered them, they head to their shared bedroom. Pop said that is where they will be, a “nice neutral area in his opinion.” Dean knows that Hank is just as curious as he is. Dean didn't pay too much mind to the concerned looks from Mr. Billy and White as he went to his bedroom. “They are just being themselves,” as Pop would say dismissively.

Dean gets the honor of opening the door and sees a small pink haired girl with soft cat ears sitting on his bed. She appears to be cradling a wicker basket close. Dean tilts his head, confused. Not at the person in the room. He knows she is Roxanne, adopted daughter of Billy and White and the only real friend either of them has ever had. And it's not that she isn't special or anything. It's just that he doesn't think she counts as a special visitor. Certainly not special visitors, that is for sure.

Of course, now that he thinks about it, he hasn't seen her in nearly a year. He just sort of figured she must have been really busy with real school like Triana. Recently, he's seen her around a bit more. While trying to puzzle out the mystery at hand, a whimpering cry catches his attention. Before he can fully process what is happening, Hank lunges forward, exclaiming in glee. He can see a pair of pointed ears poke out of the basket filled with blankets. She picks up a small pink bundle as Hank grabs the other bundle.

"I didn't know they were kittens," Hank says, holding a wriggly bundle of brown. "I want one. Can I have one Roxx? Please? I'll take good care of him.”

"Well, if they were kittens, I would love to give you one," Roxx says slowly. "But they aren't."

"Then, what are they?" Hank asks, holding the bundle up. "This one has a tail. Like a kitty would."

"They're my babies," Roxx says, looking down, clearly shy all of a sudden. "And, the one you are holding? Her name is Rosalyn. This little girl is Amber."

She reveals a small definitely more human looking child in the bundle she was holding. Hank sits down next to her, laying the brown themed baby on his lap. The small baby kicks up at Hank's hand, much to his delight. Dean approaches and sits on her other side, looking at the small pink and cream tinted child Rox is holding. The child wriggles and buries her face into Rox's chest. Dean blushes as he realizes what the child is trying to do.

Dean can't ignore the elephant in the room. He knows that Roxx is not a Super Scientist or some kind of reptile that can reproduce asexually. Babies always have a mom and a dad. And if Roxanne is the mom, where is the dad?

"Uh Roxanne," Dean says, catching her attention. "Who is the dad?"

Roxanne's cheeks turn crimson. She fiddles with the baby in her arms for a moment, dodging his question for some reason. She settles the child for now before answering him.

"It's you, Dean," Roxanne says. "I know you travel all over the world all the time and probably don't remember or anything."

Looking at the small girl in her arms, he feels his heart beating faster as he moves a lock of hair away from the soft baby in her arms. He sees a familiar triangle of freckles on her cheeks. Heart in his throat, he hears the one with Hank squawk. Looking over, he sees hazel green eyes greet him, a slight pout on her face. Her eyes are just like his. His brain grinds to a halt as he realizes what this means.

"Hey, that means I'm an uncle!" Hank crows.

If Dean wasn't already sitting down, he would have fallen to the ground. The small pouty baby manages to escape Hank's grasp and gets into Roxxy's lap. He picks up the baby, keeping her from falling off the bed. She stays put in his lap, fascinated by his belt buckle. Hank leaves, remembering some random thing he forgot somewhere else. Dean is trying to process the news that has been put in his lap. Literally, in the case of the small kitten staring at his belt buckle. He doesn't know how to feel, at all.

Roxx would never lie to him about something so big. But how? He has never done...that with anyone. And yet, here is proof otherwise. Staring at his belt buckle with large eyes just like his. He pets her downy hair, not sure what else he can do. He hears the one, Amber right, fussing in Roxanne's arms. He looks over, still a bit numb with shock.

"She's hungry," he says, not sure how he knows just that he does.

"Uh, yeah," Rox says, blushing even more. "Could I maybe have some privacy so I can feed her? You can introduce Rosalyn to your pop and Brock?"

It's Dean's turn to blush now. He knows what she is getting at. He manages to get Rosalyn settled into his arms and heads into the kitchen with the squirmy baby. He opens the swinging door and White and Billy turn like prairie dogs. He walks in, trying to be casual about the child in his arms. They make an excuse to leave him alone with Brock and Hank. It seems that Pop is in the lab for "important" things. Something he is grateful for immensely.

He focused on Rosalyn, making sure to stay extra focused to prevent THAT from happening right now. He could see Hank was brimming with questions now and Brock was. Brock was Brock. He shot the occasional glance over but was overall not paying much mind to the baby in his lap. His baby. That he made with Roxanne. That he doesn’t remember or know how. Brow furrowed, he was giving it some serious thought when he realized that Hank was trying to get his attention.

He gets the child situated back on his lap as well as he can. She has her chin laying on the table and she seems content to sit where she is. Long as he keeps scratching her ears anyway. She leans into his touch and makes an intermittent purring like noise. The shock is starting to wear off. That or he's slipping into another break. Hopefully not. He doesn't want to hurt Rosalyn if that happens. He doesn't know what happens when he blacks out, just that he never wakes in the same place. His Pop acts like it never happens, but Dean knows better.

He looked up at his brother and Hank was bouncing in his chair. Blue eyes kept darting towards the small baby now laying in his lap, asleep. His hand was still petting her, only now the back of her head instead. He stopped for a moment, she made a soft noise so he continued. Hank was still giving him that look.

“What is it, Hank?” he asked.

“You never told me you and Roxx,” Hank said. “You know.”

“I don’t,” Dean said, bewildered.

“Didn’t pop tell you about,” Hank lowered his voice. “About the birds and the bees?”

“I guess, but it kind of turned into something about White Lion,” Dean admitted. “I still don’t know how babies are made.”

Brock looked at him, and there was a definite tenseness in his expression. He got up silently, a faint growl heard as he left. Hank and Dean looked at each other, confused at what is happening. Hank sat closer, eying the child curiously. Dean showed Hank the spot behind her ear that she liked scratched. Hank was enraptured when she leaned her head into his touch, still purring while asleep.

A loud door slam catches them off guard. Then they can hear Brock’s voice. Even with the countless layers of walls between the kitchen and the lab. Dean covered the infant’s ears, hearing Brock screaming at their pop. He and Hank share a scared look when the yelling stops. Brock came back in, eyes still full of rage. Behind him was Pop, looking like a whipped dog. Brock crossed his arms and leaned against the door frame, eyes focused on Pop.

“Hey boys,” Pop started. “I’ve been meaning to give you. The Talk. I was going to wait until later but. Certain things came up.”

Pop cast a wary eye at Rosalyn between Hank and him and Dean felt a protectiveness bloom in his chest. He settled the child against his chest and wrapped his thin arms around her. She nuzzled into his sweater vest and he held her just a little tighter.

Pop took a seat across from him and Hank and took his glasses off, rubbing them clean before placing them back on his face. This was clearly not an easy conversation for him. He kept looking over at Brock nervously. Listening to Pop explain sex and babies and proper protection, Dean felt embarrassment coloring his neck and ears and face red. Thinking about how he did that with Roxanne, he felt his heart start to race. He must have, there is proof of that right in his lap, purring away.

The light oddly almost floating feeling was coming back. He looked over at Hank. He could see his lips moving but he didn’t hear anything he was saying. Oh no. It was happening again. He thrust Rosalyn at Hank and stood up. Dizziness turning his vision hazy, the last thing he saw before he hit the floor was a very confused Hank holding Rosalyn, small hazel eyes meeting his before everything went dark.

He woke up on the couch, eyes slowly coming back into focus. It was late, the windows showing the darkened lawn. He carefully sat up and looked around. It was too dark to see much but he couldn’t see anybody around.  Blanket around him, he pushed it out of his way. Wrapping his arms around himself, everything catching up to him and he started to cry. Pop always scolded him when he caught him crying so he got really good at crying super quietly. He started as he heard a noise.

Looking, he saw the mound of a few old sleeping bags assembled on the floor. He saw cat eyes looking at him and realized it was Roxanne. She was looking at him, a most curious look on her face. He rubbed his hand across his face, trying to hide what he was doing. Nearby was a playpen of some kind, two little shapes sleeping inside it.

She sat up from her sleeping spot and got up on the couch with him. He tried to hide his face but she turned his face towards her. She brushed off the tears from his face. Not judging him or any looks of disappointment or anything. She just sat with him and let him compose himself. It took a bit of time but he appreciated it.

“Did you have a nightmare?” she asked.

“Not really,” he answered. “Just. It’s a lot to take in at once, you know?”

“Yeah,” she replied. “It. Was hard when I found out.”

“How did you,” he paused. “Find out?”

Roxanne shrugged as she looked away from him. He must have said something wrong and he was about to try and take it back when she started to talk.

“I was sick, throwing up every day,” she said. “At first, Dad thought it was just a stomach bug. But then. A few days turned into a few weeks and. Dad bought the test. He didn’t tell Father until. It came up positive. Father said it wasn’t accurate because I was half cat. He took me to a hospital, one that didn’t ask questions about him being there. The ultrasound showed that. I was carrying twins. He printed off some pictures. I saved them in a scrapbook. If you want, I can bring it over. Next time.”

“I would like that,” he said.

He knew he must have missed a whole bunch with the babies. He was kind of excited thinking about the scrapbook. He always wanted to be a dad. He kind of hoped he would have been a lot older and married and been with his wife for a bit and talked about it and stuff. But his life was always full of unexpected surprises.

[vrenaewrites]

Songs of Accidental Evils: Fina.

Last year, I did a series on this blog where I talked about the playlist behind my first book, CIVIL BLOOD. I got a lot of good feedback from that and people overwhelmingly wanted me to do it again for the sequel, ACCIDENTAL EVILS. This book has a much darker tone, and its playlist was easily split into three parts: the general vibe of the book, songs related to River (the male MC), and songs related to Fina (the female MC).

no particular order, these are the songs related to Fina’s arc. If you don’t care for an explanation and just wanna hear the songs, here’s a link to the part 3 playlist!

1/23 blog: AE Playlist Part 3. Fina’s songs.

1. Never Again - Kelly Clarkson.

This is THE song to scream in your car after you have a breakup. “Give me that Sunday school answer, repent yourself away.”

2. Harder To Breathe – Maroon 5.

All about how you want to make someone pay for how they did you dirty. And boy does Fina make some people pay. “I have the tendency of getting very physical, so watch your step cause if I do you’ll need a miracle.”

3. Gasoline – Halsey.

A song about losing your shit. “Pointing fingers cause you’ll never take the blame like me?”

4. Roses – Meg and Dia.

I don’t know why this song makes me think of Fina or what it has to do with her story but it invoked some weird feelings in me which really influenced Fina’s actions in this book.

5. Ignorance - Paramore.

Fina’s middle finger to River and Papa both. “You treat me just like another stranger. Well it’s nice to meet you sir, I guess I’ll go. I best be on my way out. This is the best thing that could’ve happened, any longer and I wouldn’t have made it. It’s not a war no, it’s not a rapture. I’m just a person, but you can’t take it.”

6. Silver Springs - Fleetwood Mac.

An entire subplot about Fina learning dream magic was cut for time but this song’s influence is still seen throughout her story. “I’ll follow you down til the sound of my voice will haunt you. You’ll never get away from the sound of the woman who loves you.”

7. Stop Draggin My Heart Around - Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty.

Now THIS is a duet. Full of little jabs and snark and ache. “It’s hard to think about what you wanted. It’s hard to think about what you lost. This doesn’t have to be the big get-even. This doesn’t have to be anything at all.”

8. Octahate - Ryn Weaver.

Underrated as hell. All about the aftermath of a doomed romance and how a person can wreck you. “From the day I saw my heart start breaking, no one saved me.”

9. DLZ - TV On the Radio.

This is Fina’s theme song. Coming completely off the rails, being full of retribution for one person or entity, and the way rage can sneak up on you and completely warp you fundamentally. “This is beginning to feel like the bolt busted loose from the lever.”

10. For a Pessimist, I’m Pretty Optimistic – Paramore.

Fina is the queen of being let down by...well, by anyone and everyone, actually. “I put my faith in you, so much faith and then you just threw it away.”

11. Saint Cecelia – The Foo Fighters.

My saint Cecelia. Spoilers.

12. Maneater - Nelly Furtado.

The outside prom confrontation scene. Spoilers.

13. That’s What You Get - Paramore.

Wow Paramore also helped write this book. The lessons you learn from getting hurt. “Take a seat we’re settling the final score.”

14. Turn Off the Light (Acoustic) - Nelly Furtado.

Isolation central. “There’s an achin inside my head, it’s tellin me you’re better off alone.”

15. Who Did That To You - John Legend.

One word: Justice. “Call the police, call the coroner, call up your priest, have ‘em warn ya. Won’t be no peace when I find that fool.”

16. Let it Burn - ZZ Ward.

Ever wanted to burn that shit down? This is the song for that. Badass woman doing badass things. “Out of control see, I’m gonna blow up your spot. You lit the spark, now you ain’t stopping this flame. You rolled the dice, now I’m bout to murder this game.”

17. Seven Nation Army - Postmodern Jukebox.

This is what Fina thinks her MO is. Righteous vengeance. Spoiler alert: it sort of is? But mostly isn’t. And this cover is SUPERB.

18. I Did Something Bad - Taylor Swift.

This IS Fina’s MO. Less righteous, more vengeful. “I can feel the flames on my skin, crimson red paint on my lips. If a man talks shit then I owe him nothin. I don’t regret it one bit cause he had it comin.”

19. Trouble - Taylor Swift.

“He was long gone when he met me and I realize the joke is on me. Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in, so shame on me.” Same vein as Octahate. Should have known better and now I’m the fool.

20. Pot Kettle Black - Tilly and the Wall.

Ivy and Autumn’s whole “garbage” exchange with Fina came right from this song. “The trash washes up to shore even in this landlocked place.”

21. Are You Bad? - Glitter Mini 9.

“I’ve got an ashtray for a heart, I’ve got a trash can for a mouth.” Act 3 Fina, all the way.

22. Favorite Transgressions - Sleigh Bells.

Also act 3 Fina in a BIG way. “My past is littered with the bones of men who were fools enough to sleep on me.” Do not fuck with Act 3 Fina y’all. Don’t fuck win Fina in general, actually. We know that by now, I think.

23. The Way I Do - Bishop Briggs.

Song full of longing and rejection. “You will never know my love. You will never feel the way I do.”

24. Favorite Color is Blue - Robert DeLong & K. Flay.

Man I love this song. A downward spiral into straight chaos. Feeling like a stranger in your own home. Living a lie. Being strung out and messed up.

25. Prayer in C - Lily Wood and The Prick.

Fina’s after song. “Don’t think I could forgive you.” Enough said.

26. Six Feet Under - Billie Eilish.

This is Fina’s after the after song. “If our grave was watered by the rain, would roses bloom?”

27. Seven Devils - Florence and the Machine.

This is Fina’s “Carrie” moment. Spoilers. “Holy water cannot help you now. See, I’ve come to burn your kingdom down. And no rivers and no lakes can put the fire out. I’m gonna raise the stakes, I’m gonna smoke you out.”

28. Figures - Jessie Reyez.

Act I Fina. “I wish I could hurt you back. Love, what would you do if you couldn’t get me back?”

29. Pardon Me - Incubus.

A song about being sick of the world and the people in it, and wanting to just combust. That’s Fina all the time but especially in this book.

30. Blood in the Cut - K. Flay.

Badass song about being messed up and dangerous and unable to handle your own thoughts. “Take my head and kick it in, break some bread for all my sins. Say a word, do it soon. It’s too quiet in this room.”

31. Beautiful Disaster - 311.

“Today seems like a good day to burn a bridge or two” is basically Fina’s slogan.

[grownups-are-the-real-monsters]

Dive Bar

summary: The summer of 1989 was something Bill had not thought about in years. The people. The places. The Loser’s. But when he runs into an old friend at the bar, it’s like he’s there all over again. 

Ships: Reddie

Song: ‘Piano Man’ by Billy Joel

(IT happened but Bill runs into someone before the 2nd showdown)

Bill Denbrough had been many things when he was the bright age of ten. A friend, a brother, a son but it seemed by the time of his most recent age of twenty-nine, he was none of those things anymore. The worst part of it was that he could barely remember the time when he was those things but his stomach still ached with guilt and had him waking up in a heated sweat at least once a month. He was driving himself crazy and had been attempting to fix it, but sometimes he entertained the thought of just allowing himself to sink. Because was it really worth the effort if he had no one else? 

He swiped his hand over his 5 o'clock shadow, feeling the stubble that he’d just been neglecting for the past few days. He thought about the deserted baby blue razor that was resting on the pure white porcelain counter in his hotel room. He made a note to himself to pick the damn thing up when he got back and get the peppering of hair off his face. He dragged his feet into a kind looking dive bar for a hardy dose of alcohol related amnesia. If he was honest, he was looking forward to it all day. 

The place was crowded with the kind of people Bill assumed were regulars. He felt out of place from the minute he stepped inside. He strolled over to the bar and took the stool next to an old man who’s clothes shadowed his former young self. He was nursing his drink, swirling it and taking few sips as if wanting to make it last. Bill wanted to stare curiously but he held the urge back. The cheap light bulbs that were screwed into cones of emerald green, heated the back of his neck and he took off his jacket. Settling himself in. 

Bill was not an impatient person so he took the time in which he waited to drag his eyes over every inch of the cozy bar. He was narrowing his eyes to focus on an old black and white photo when somebody tapped on the bar. He whipped his head around and saw the face of a man, leaning down only slightly. His hair was a curled pitch black. 

“Something I can get you?” He asked, a smile spreading easily over his face. Bill felt a flicker of recognition that was gone in a flash. 

“An Old Fashioned?” Bill decided before he could really think about it. The man nodded and went to work. Bill watched him, trying to figure out why he was so interesting. 

“Y’know my dad used to drink this.” The man said in passing as he slid the drink over and leaned on the bar in front of him once again. Bill hummed and took a sip. 

“I’m more of a colorful drinker myself.” He chuckled, and God that laugh was something, Bill swore on it. The man sipped at some nauseated pink drink. “But you seem like the boring type.” 

“Beep Beep.” Bill rolled his eyes but froze completely. ‘Where the fuck did that come from?’. It seemed whatever it was that he said, cause the man to freeze too. He didn’t look fearful, as Bill must’ve but rather interested. He was tapping his fingertips in a pattern over his chin with a crooked smile. 

“Does that mean something to you?” Bill asked, knowing it must have meant something to him or else he wouldn’t have let it slip. 

“I would say so, sir.” He responded with a spot on British accent. “Takes me right back-”

“To when?” Bill interrupted as he was starting to retrace his whole life to place this guy. 

“Well, I don’t know but it does.” He shrugged with amusement. 

It was his attitude that helped Bill start to connect the dots…to a kid he swore he didn’t remember until this very moment. ‘But it couldn’t be. all his voices sounded the same-’ “Richie Tozier?”

“The one and only.” He smirked but quickly stopped to look Bill over. “Well, by golly! You must be…Bill Denbrough?” He snapped his fingers in Bills face. Bill chuckled and slapped his hand down. 

“How did you know?” 

“Came to me in the moment.” Richie shrugged and Bill felt a tug in his chest. “God, How are you?” 

Bill could have lied but his mind flashed, ‘C’mon this is Richie. Don’t lie to him’ and though he was only barely recalling him, he agreed. “Can’t say too well, Rich. You?” 

Richie looked around the bar and shrugged, throwing a towel over his shoulder. “Ah, you know me Big Bill. I make every place better just by being there.” He chuckled again. Bill couldn’t help but laugh with him, their laughter mixing was so familiar it hurt. 

He took out a lighter and waved it at Bill who nodded though he hadn’t smoked in ages. He took an offered smoke and Richie lit it for him, the red reflected warmly in his eyes. He pulled back and let Bill have room to blow his smoke. 

Richie slid someone else their drink and seemed to make some sort of joke, waving his hands about and laughing like it was hysterical. Though he slid right back over to Bill and the smile just ran away from his face. 

“You know, I think this is killing me, Bill.” Richie laughed but it wasn’t funny. Bill frowned. 

“What are you saying Rich?” 

“I’m sure that I could be making it big, knocking em’ dead y’know? You remember how my voices used to sound, right?” Richie asked and he nodded even though he didn’t really need an answer. “Trust me, they’ve improved…but I just can’t get out of this fucking place.” He shook his head and bit into his lip. 

Bill’s heart plummeted. Richie was a people person as long as he’d known him, of course he’d get attached to some ol’ dive bar like it meant the world to him. “You spoken for, Bill?” Richie spoke again before Bill could say something. 

He smiled, shaking his head. “No, not yet…you?” He returned the question. Richie shook his head just the same. Bill felt a little surprised, like he expected him to say he was. And Bill wasn’t sure why. He could’ve sworn Richie had something special going on the last he’d seen him…

“I thought…well I’m not sure what I thought actually.” Bill chuckled and Richie looked at him curiously. But Bill felt as if he was suddenly just attacked with memories. Of his six friends, he saw all of their faces for a quick second. He heard each of their laughter. And he saw the fiery red head, Bev…gripping onto Ben’s hand, He saw Mike riding no-hands on his bike proudly, he saw something he could only describe as beautiful, Stanley Uris laughing his ass off. And he saw the smile of his first best friend, Eddie..kasp-? Kaspbrak! 

“Do you remember Eddie?” Bill asked, excited. Richie pulled back for a second. He looked as if he was being hit with everything like a wall of water, Bill assumed he’d looked just the same not a moment ago. 

“Yeah, Yeah I remember him…” Richie was gripping onto what was only a ghost of a memory. “What happened-?” 

“I don’t know, I haven’t thought about him in ages.” Bill shrugged, wondering just why Richie looked so guilty. 

Richie twisted the towel on his shoulder as he was trying to focus on the faint echoes of someones giggling playing on sudden repeat in his head. ‘There’s so many things you should’ve told him…’ he said like a reminder to himself. “Shit, Eddie…he-We were something weren’t we?” 

Bill didn’t know the answer but he nodded anyway because it felt right. Suddenly Richie looked sick to his stomach. His eyes looked wildly back and forth, mouth a little agape. Bill looked back at the man playing piano in the corner of the place and felt a chill run up his spine like he should be remembering something traumatic but just couldn’t pick up on it. 

Richie took a long sip of his nausea in a cup and tried to focus. He remembered the way the small boy’s hand fit into his first. And then his laugh, his eyes and the way they’d roll whenever Richie opened his mouth, the way his nose scrunched up whenever he was disgusted and if Richie was correct, he did that a lot. He stood up straight, putting his hands on his hips. “How do you forget being in love like that?” He shook his head, mocking an amused smile this time. 

Bill couldn’t answer because he didn’t know. 

Richie laughed again and it would’ve haunted Bill if he could remember it after he left. “Maybe getting out of Derry isn’t all it cracked up to be?” 

“Don’t say that Rich, that place was awful and-”

“But it had you guys, and I remembered shit there.”

Bill got a chilling feeling in the pit of his stomach “Maybe it’s better off if we don’t remember whatever happened that summer-”

“I want to fucking know who Eddie is, but for some reason, when you walk out of that door, I know it’s all going to go away. I can barely remember it now. I haven’t thought about him in forever, but just now…when I remembered him, shit I felt something that made me feel worth it, Bill.” 

“It’s like I finally know what ‘Baby, I love Your Way’s about.” Richie added with a genuine laugh. Bill smiled and chuckled. 

“They all look at me like ‘God, what are you still doing here?’ “ Richie looked over his Saturday crowd with a fond look in his glossy eyes and started wiping down the counter. 

“You deserve better, Rich. You’re the funniest guy I know-”

“Yeah, until you walk out the door.” Richie added with a smug look and Bill had to laugh because it was true.  He finished his Old Fashion and knew it was time to go. 

“Maybe I’ll see you again?” Bill asked, hoping for a ‘yes’. 

Richie smiled. “Yeah, I’d like to think so.” He shrugged again. Bill reached over and hugged him. Richie sniffled and Bill gripped harder, not wanting to let go. He treasured the faces of his friends once more. Strong Beverly, Genuine Ben, Proud Mike, Beautiful Stan, and Richie&Eddie’s blushing faces. 

They were right, When Bill walked out that night…everything faded again. It got even worse when Bill flew home. 

But it was after there little run in, that Richie got himself out of that bar, making sure it was in good hands and into the DJ scene with major success. 

[runawaymarbles]

Black Sails Fic Rec

Silver/Flint

shaking at the sight by vowelinthug | 1k | T |

two pirate kings, united vs. an entire island's naval forces.

the island didn't stand a chance.

look for something left in this world by vowelinthug | 2k | M |

it’s a nice day for a white wedding

too bad they aren’t having one

yer mother darns socks in hell by youatemytailor | 4k | M |

Christ, Flint thinks. He fucking hates Freetown.

el cuentacuento by straddling_the_atmosphere | 4k | NR | +Silver/Madi

At the end of the day, John Silver is an unreliable narrator.

Or: a storyteller’s story.

show me the way to go home by vowelinthug | 8k | NC-17 |

set during 2x4, in which Silver and Flint take a much-deserved time out and enjoy a drink or seven

and they both learn a valuable lesson about each other

namely that neither one has ever had any chill whatsoever in their entire goddamn life

let us possess one world by vowelinthug | 8k | NC-17 |

They return to Nassau after their defeat of the British Navy, only to be met by Agitator Billy and his propaganda machine. This is why Captain Flint tries not to let other people decide things.

In which: Flint wears a disguise, Silver tells a terrible story, one bathes the other, and only one man died the whole night which is, like, definitely a record for them.

What's in a Name? by Craftnarook | 9k | NC-17 |

Some conversations in the dark between Flint and Silver, set during episode 3x09. They have a moment alone in the Maroon camp, after Mr Scott's death, and what begins as curiosity and sharing develops into rather a lot more.

you are the queen and i am the wolf by vowelinthug | 10k | NC-17 |

They call him John the Giant.

Flint calls himself James the Early Risk for Heart Failure.

Don’t Fear the Ships (Fear the Black) by farasha | 11k | NC-17 |

“You can’t read sea charts.”

“Can’t is a strong word.”

Flint teaches Silver how to sail. As with everything they do, there’s a lot more going on unspoken.

Or, Silver tries to convince Flint that it would be a bad thing if he died.

ya filthy animals by vowelinthug | 12k | NC-17 |

Flint and Silver could be rulers of an illegal organization, major mob bosses, kingpins, criminal masterminds, etc.

But then they could also be petty shoplifters who like to drink during the day and fool around on their houseboat.

With Nothing On My Tongue by RosieTwiggs | 14k | NC-17 | +Silver/Madi

“Silver thinks: Maybe God likes it when I fight with him.

He wonders now, whether he’s been playing into God’s plan all along. Because no matter how angry he gets, how defensive, how many “fuck you”s he flings to the heaven, isn’t it all just proof that he still believes God is there, despite it all?

Silver doesn’t know how to counter that.

Maybe he doesn’t want to anymore.

Blue all in a rush by twofrontteethstillcrooked | 16k | NC-17 |

There were dozens of questions Flint wanted to ask. He chose, "Did it not occur to you I would find out you were here almost immediately?"

st. augustine is that way by vowelinthug | 18k | NC-17 |

James Flint had yet to meet a conversation he couldn’t avoid.

John Silver had yet to meet a routine he couldn’t disrupt.

(post-show domesticity, with oranges)

we must unlearn the constellations to see the stars by lacecat | 19k | M | + Flint/Thomas, Silver/Madi

Silver wakes up each time to a different day in his past.

He thinks that if this is his purgatory, he can’t say he doesn’t deserve it.

Sail These Roads and Back Again by neverfaraway | 20k | M 

James has fled the New World for the Old, shed his name and found quietude in his solitary existence. That is, until his favourite worst memory appears on the farm track, collapses upon his sopha, and refuses to be shaken loose. While Corsica smoulders and war becomes ever more likely, Flint and Silver enter a war of their own: to reclaim their past and forge an uncertain future.

gonna need a bigger boat by lacecat | 20k | Not Rated

“You really want to say that, when you’re sitting across from a man who lost his leg to a shark?” Flint scoffs. "There is no way a shark took your leg!" "Of course not," Silver says, smirking. After he draws the silence out, for what feels appropriately dramatic enough period of time, he adds, "It was two sharks."

Tell me we're dead and I'll love you even more by Craftnarook | 22k | M |

In the year 1725, or thereabouts, John Silver finds himself driven by a storm into an inconsequential little port town, barely a speck on any civilised map. Returned to the life of a drifter, tired and rough around the edges, he is resigned to waiting for the weather to pass before he can sail on again to the next town, and the next, and the next. That is until he overhears a conversation in the inn about a local fisherman, one Captain Barlow, and his tall tales of tempests and becalmings, devils and sharks, and Silver finds a new future opening up to him, haunted by the spectres of his past.

John Silver Can’t Get There From Here by Apetslife | 33k | Series, G-E | + Silver/Madi, Anne/Jack

Or: Fuck Treasure Island, And Also Actual History, And Probably Season Four Canon, Too

“He is so terribly in love with you,” Madi murmurs to him from out of nowhere, sitting easy in the curve of his arm in the shade of their small porch.

Fifteen Men in September by ballantine | NR | 34k |

Fifteen men on the dead man’s chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

A Black Sails origin story for the song.

turning saints into the sea by lacecat | 86k | NC-17 | + Flint/Thomas, Silver/Madi, Miranda/Flint

They say she arrived in Nassau during a hurricane. They say that she brought with her a priest she had kidnapped to father her children, whom she then turned into storms to guide the direction of her ship. They say she has sworn to kill as many men on this Earth as she could, that she bathes in the blood of young children ripped from their mother’s breasts to attain immortality, doomed to serve the seas forever in return.

In reality, Silver has seen Flint conjure exactly zero storm-like offspring, but she does know how she speaks with the sort of conviction that if she were a man, they would write books about her. There’s a stiffness to her posture that speaks of someone who might better be found in a London parlor rather than a dusty brothel in the Bahamas, and yet she has a fierce temper that rivals any man’s on the island, a dangerous look about her like the air rippling over fire.

Silver/Flint/Hamilton(+)

The Isle of Hope by ElDiablito_SF | 16k | M |

When a heartbroken John Silver arrives in Georgia ten years after the events on Skeleton Island, he doesn't quite have it in him to face Flint. Instead, he concocts a scheme to befriend Thomas, and gets more than he bargained for in exchange

The Tether Series by stele3 | 58k | M |

“So you did find him,” the man says faintly. When Thomas looks up he finds himself caught in perhaps the strangest regard one person has ever given another, a gaze that absolutely does not dissuade Thomas from the notion that a feral, scavenging animal has broken into their home.

Smallpox Verse by vowelinthug | 70k | T-NC17 | + Madi

post-finale, where everyone learns a valuable lesson about communication and smallpox. (no one actually gets smallpox.)

The Canterbury Tales by Wind_Ryder | 133k | NC-17 | +Madi

Pirates. Attacking Georgia. A part of Thomas wants to believe that there’s nothing at all relating the events outside to the events in his personal life.

But when he turns around and sees John Silver slipping in through the backdoor, he very much doubts that’s the case. “Tea?” Thomas asks blandly, throwing the latch and shutting his blinds like a good Puritan man.

Flint/Hamilton(s)

the stars and she who runs with them by alovelylight | 1k | G |

When she declared Peter Ashe a traitor, her heart beating fury into the expanse of her body, she knew this was what James felt like. The constructed castles of civilization falling to the ground, dragons from the dark breathing out and destroying all the lies they hold dear. This was what she wanted; this would be her peace.

Time Covers All Things by lilithi|ien | 12k | T | +Silver/Flint

She imagines it will be liberating to take a new name, to adopt a new life. The next day, as she steps off the gangway onto the island sand, she tries to leave who she was behind like a snake shedding its skin. She can almost get away with it. How Lady Hamilton becomes Mrs Barlow.

The Witch Queen of Nassau by shirogiku | 12k | NC-17 | 

After James is captured by the Navy, it falls to Miranda to organise the rescue. Nothing goes according to the plan.

Revenant by BethWinter | 18k | T |

After Charlestown burns, Abigail Ashe meets a man who says he was a friend of her father’s. He gives her a choice.

The Far Waste of the Waters by more_night | M | 22.5k |  + Silver/Flint, Silver/Madi

James McGraw removes Skeleton Island from his mind.

Somewhere in Boston by redwhale | T | 29k | + Laura Moon/Shadow Moon

Mr. Wednesday tries to recruit the dread pirate Captain Flint for his war against the New Gods, and runs afoul of Thomas Hamilton in the attempt. Meanwhile, Shadow just wants a new goddamn book to read, is that so much to ask?

Soon after, on the trail of Wednesday and Shadow, Laura and Mad Sweeney find themselves in a charming bookstore in Boston...

Unaccommodated Man by kvikindi | T | 27k |

It is at this point that, for the first time, Thomas Hamilton begins to consider that he has gone mad.

The Sundering Sea by x_art | 137k | NR | Flint/Thomas

Stepping into the foamy surf, gasping at the force of it, the surprise of it—it had been breathtaking. Thomas had been that for him, his boundless sea, and he wasn’t ashamed.

Max/Anne (+)

you'll always paint my sky by mapped | 2k | T |

She still loves Max, and it gets harder and harder to deny it to herself.

(Anne through the second half of S4.)

histoire à tiroirs by straddling_the_atmosphere | 3k | T |  +Max/Eleanor, Max/Idelle

histoire (n): a story, a fictional tale, a narrative account, a lie

Or: Max and shifting sands

Bounteous by willowbilly | 4k | M | Anne/Max/Mary/Jack

It’s a queer hurt, almost like the relief of peeling off an old scab, to feel her heart pulling in three separate directions and to feel it expanding to encompass the whole damn rest of the compass rose rather than be so fragile as to rip itself asunder. Anne never would have thought, before, that she’d be this fucking caring. That she’d had such a deep well of love waiting untapped within her, way down.

kintsugi by princejake | 6k | T |

Anne nestles into his shoulder, her hair brushing against his cheek, and suddenly Jack can breathe properly for the first time in weeks. Here they are, together, in balance as they’ve been from the beginning. Complete again.

When he opens his eyes Max is watching them from across the street. Her posture is carefully neutral, but her eyes are… solemn. Stoic. Filled with a kind of barren peace. She always could convey so much with just a look.

Something twinges uncomfortably behind Jack’s breastbone. /Oh./ Perhaps not so in balance after all.

Other/Misc/Gen

no man’s land by rhllors | 2.5k | T |  Jack/Anne/Mary

The man on the deck looks back at them, considering. He’s handsome but he oozes violence; armed, scarred, tall, hair slung round a bandana, the same colour of a recently opened wound. “I’ve heard of you,” he says, with an infliction she’s not familiar with: somewhere from the continent, not French. Perhaps Holland. “The name’s Read.” he continues, eyes tracing the rim of her hat. “Mark Read.”

armed with the past and the will by whimsicalimages | 3k | T | Silver/Madi

The language of winning and losing, this language that men favor – Madi can speak this language, though she disagrees with its precepts. Success takes different forms, and failing once does not mean failing forever. It does not even mean failing the next time.

Gone to Port Royal by Apetslife | 3k | G | All the pairings

Definition of Valhalla 1: the great hall in Norse mythology where heroes slain in battle are received 2 : a place of honor, glory, or happiness : heaven

same bottle, same gun: two shots by AstronautSquid | 5k | T | minor Flint/Thomas, Max/Eleanor

„I will walk,“ Flint interrupted her objections. „You have just maneuvered yourself into a position of considerable power on this island, and now you have gone and cast aside a man the island admires and fears. It won’t do for you to be seen sharing a horse with me like a wounded young girl.“ Eleanor stared up at him; a wounded young girl full of curses, with a rifle resting like a sleeping babe in her arm.

[Nassau, 1708. Eleanor Guthrie remembers a moment in the life of Lieutenant McGraw. Captain Flint doesn’t.]

what’s a king but a heavy name by thatsarockfact55 | 51k | T | Mr. Scott/Maroon Queen, Madi/Silver, background Flint/Silver 

In the quiet night, one stranger tells another what he has always known: “I have been so many names, Long John Silver, and if not for love I would be no one at all.”

-

One story of a spirit, a slave, a father, and a pirate king, told in seven parts.

Winds of Change and Chance  by PanBoleyn | 60k | T | (eventual Silver/Flint, Miranda/Thomas, Flint/Hamiltons, Flint/Silver/Miranda) 

In which a thief and his daemon make their way onto a pirate ship, and vastly underestimate how hard it will be to get off again.

Well, the thief does. His daemon had a feeling this might happen.

[outlyingthoughts]

1:58, exam szn & cuffing szn: Oct 19.

It’s 1:58 on the small digital clock of my computer. Sleep is a scarce during exam period, either fearing to fail professionally or at life in its entirety. College students roam around campus from 8am to 12am. One cigarette break after another, groups, nationalities and pasts meet and strive among one another. Just over a glimpse of sunshine, all our youthful bodies plead the rays to caress our skins.

It’s normally soft and overwhelming, but today it made me shiver. Crawling inside, overthinking, social anxiety and aching mood swings, burst up under my skin and words can’t reach my mouth. Today, I tried to tell the words, vomit all that was weighing on my guts, but instead watery spheres glide innocently out of my eyes. All the uni students were out, early afternoon airy light, all holding the profound belief that it was the last time we’ll see this star while my only profound belief, almost primal, was that I had never been this lonely. I probably had a couple of notifications left to check and more people to greet, but tears blurred the warm rays and my vision; I ran away.

Coming back from my short exile, the words were seating lower, down my throat, stuck, fat with meaning and emotions. Scanning the curious or worried eyes of my friends, shame burnt my fingers, my hands suddenly fidgeting faster and faster. Dismissing my unrestful inner crybaby and its whiny instincts, I dismissed your questions: exam season, exam season is the reason.

For it’s not a lie but rather an incomplete truth; exam season is a closed Tupperware in which we all marinate, trapped, we may mix well as a dish but still the steam on the lid hovers above our heads. Threatening, the pearls born from condensation are reminders of the future ahead, of our responsibilities of today for tomorrow, of our parents back home, expectations and knowing that deception won’t be an option. Afraid to never become the person I’ve promised myself to be throughout my almost two decades of life experience, anxiety grows from my expectations. I grow with my fears, drowning at times, closing my eyes facing them most of the time. It’s a sweet life one can have when all fears are just hidden under a big invisibility cap. But electro-shocks revive those old friends like rusty hearts, and within two blinks of an eye, closing my eyes to them becomes impossible. Crushed by the size they grew to while my eyes were closed, my terrors can’t blink, eyeless, they just smell my weaknesses and dig blindly into them.

Well nested within the stress of exam season, my fear of not-making-it-in-life is now a recurring motif of my anti-climax drama. Being away from home is both a blessing and a curse, finding yourself by leaving also means losing yourself in the novelty; all the responsibilities from before fuse away from my brain: I forget about the pain, I forget about the past, I live moments as if they were pearls from an necklace without a string. I feel guilty I’m afraid of changing, even more afraid of going back. As if all Zoes I might have been were finally meeting, they’re loud and all take too much room, yet they don’t bring me enough and I can’t handle any of it. I’m afraid when the lights turn out that I won’t be able to “reach out” anymore, as if the bluetooth function had been turned off, I can’t say the things I mean, my eyes can’t remember what they normally look at when I listen or talk, they move around like balls of onyx, dark empty of colors, my mouth opens and my body moves but it’s not me anymore. Anxiety took over and I retreat, sometimes I peek through and my eyes look up at you my friend.

I wish you could see me looking at you, I’m worried for both of us. I’m worried because I know you’re not doing good, I’m worried because it feels like I can’t convey that I’m not either. then the guilt takes over: I insult the selfish bitch in the back of my head that cries for help (who are you to think your issues are more pressing, painful and threatening than others?). Suddenly I watch all the words, I weight all the moves, trying to take the least amount space in the room, of words in the discussion, of my presence in the moment: trying hard to give you as many options as possible to forget about me. And sometimes it feels like it works, and with an explosion in my heart, I retreat further, like a lost kid. It’s all worst when you start doubting the people you care the most about; but how can they care about someone like you?

Such a puzzle, further in the retreat, I still want you to find me but won’t move I’m too afraid you’d notice I’m still here and decide it’s time to ditch me. Caught up between feeling like you shouldn’t be here and wanting to be here, share at home where your heart is, I’m paralyzed. That’s why the sun didn’t bake my soul like it normally does. A fear of not being compatible with the people you relate the most too, like the uncle hated in the family, it becomes constant obsession, sickened brain that tries to find proves and clues in meaningless words and thoughtless behaviors, you exclude yourself in your own paranoia, you’re afraid to not be loved by the ones you cherish, yet another recurring motif.

It turns everything into a fog, daily duties aren’t linked and I tumble through life either with intense bliss or destructive deception. Loss of satisfaction, because suddenly nothing has taste anymore. Almost as if, without the belief in the love from your surrounding, all turns fade and cold. So I look for a home in everything, dwell over new routines, new projects, but mainly the past. All but concentrate on the keys available today, I project, continuously trying to understand others while I can’t begin to find the words to put over my inner turmoils. My mind simply gets lost, jumping to conclusions, dropping the arms try to get out of my mental messes. Trying to open up, spill one more time all the pains but still nothing comes out, I’ve already said it all in bits but I can’t bring myself to connected the dots for you as I fear if you saw it too, you’d confirm it all. It’s too hard to look back at what you were, the intensity that was once yours, almost fearless in the arms of someone. It’s hard to know that one year ago, you were in love and in denial, softly coated in illusions. It’s harder when the only person you want to talk about it with was the one comforting you in these illusions; the hardest when that person knew all about your discomforts, your fears, silences and reality. When that person met your heart on another level, the hardest when now, there is nothing left but bitterness, anger, regrets and derision.

It’s so hard when I call you and you don’t answer, harder when you don’t call back, the hardest when we’re in the same city and it feels like we walked past each other a million time and only I looked back as you went on. When we’re in the same city, I see you everywhere, I see heartbreak everywhere. It reminds me that I was once vulnerable, and my core tells me I won’t ever be. There’s a profound sadness radiating  in my chest when such reminders are flagged across my mind. I know that for now I’m fine, I’m in the age of fun and fear of commitment, but sooner than later, I’ll stay behind, as they’ll all walk past.

Hand in hand, and now I’m holding my own, strong grip, small and dry hand, I hate its texture under my own fingers and don’t wonder why no one is holding my hand. I’ll be behind, numbed by emotional unavailability, I’ll be a late bloomer, late to the party, hurried into the cab of marriage and motherhood for I’ll convince myself it’s all I ever wanted. Maybe I’ll put a stop to it, jump out through a quick and clean divorce, I’ll retreat once again, either I won’t want to bother you, as you’ve been the love of my life but I was never yours, or I won’t want to have nothing to do with you, as you were never the one, only trapped me because I know I don’t deserve better. It’s so hard to get back “into” life once you feel like you’re not welcomed in it anymore. I’m not welcomed anymore in love and affection, I feel like I’m not welcomed anymore in breathing freely, I feel myself changing and I’m afraid of her, of my reflection in the mirror. I’m afraid of becoming who I fear to become.

At night, when I’m alone, he surges and I can’t sleep after a day of panic. I open youtube and a TED talk about “overcoming the fear of love” rolls on. Trillion Small tells me that our neuronal system has mechanisms of defense. It recognizes what hurts you and when you encounter one of its components or something similar, apparently police sirens blasts in your brain. My fear of love shakes my soul, whenever someone mentions having to put trust and vulnerability on the line, sirens cry and my instinct runs: it’s already hard enough to not doubt my friends’ love, how could I trust that one could give me his full incompromised devotion?

So I shake further in my fears of the future, failing, love, past and paranoia. Unfortunately, this year, exam season and cuffing season overlap and my fears turn cross-sectional.

It’s 3:22 on the digital clock now. Drake on the speaker says “she could do better” and she asks if “he’s drunk right now”. My tea is cold and so are the salty puddles on my keyboard. I wish my mouth allowed me to ask questions but Billie in the next song tells me not to ask questions I don’t want the answer to. 

[brittanyyoungblog]

74 Break Up Lyrics for Your Saddest and Strongest Moments

Breakups can do something odd to you. Even though they’re a common enough occurrence and most, if not all, of us have experienced multiple breakups in our lifetime, each one feels new and different. If, like Tostoy says, happy families are all alike and every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, then perhaps all happy couples are alike and every unhappy couple is unhappy in their own way.

This is why every breakup feels so different. Because they are. During some you may feel elated and free, others may leave you feeling lost and untethered, while others leave you feeling a sort of grief—a loss for what you had and what was. And when you’re feeling this way it often helps to hear of other’s experiences and to see your pain and feelings (even if it’s just confusing) reflected in their words.

To help you through your breakup and to give you some words you can relate to, we compiled a list of over 70 breakup lyrics from various breakup songs. From the bittersweet and reflective to strong and generous, you’ll find a variety of lyrics from different artists to help you get through your own breakup. And hopefully move on to something stronger.

I don’t know why I cry But I think it’s ’cause I remembered for the first time Since I hated you That I used to love you – Used to Love You, Gwen Stefani

I keep letting you back in How can I explain myself? As painful as this thing has been I just can’t be with no one else. – Ex Factor, Lauren Hill

Didn’t I make you feel Like you were the only man? Didn’t I give you everything A woman possibly can? Honey, you know I did. – Piece of My Heart, Janis Joplin

Oh, you made me want you You made me need you You made me tumble and fall But if I can’t have you The way I want you I don’t want you at all. – That’s It, I Quit, I’m Moving On, Sam Cooke

Every second I’m with you I get increasingly sick and I stop thinking quick And I act like a dick, like a dick, like a dick And all the money I spend is my money again I’ll understand what is said when I’m out with my friends And at the end of the night Baby, I’m’a gon’ drive ’em home – I Don’t Love You Anymore, Bomb the Music Industry!

He called me baby, baby All night long. Lord, I feel so empty Since he’s been gone. Now I lie here and I die here Until the dawn. I miss my baby, baby, baby All night long. – He Called Me Baby, Candi Stanton

Dude I’m so over you You don’t even have a clue All you did was make me blue You didn’t even make me, come on! – Come On, Lucinda Williams

Now baby girl have dumped me She no longer wants me I’m no longer hired She says that I’ve been fired On to the next one More fish in the sea Girls are like buses Miss one, Next 15 one comin’ – Break Up, Mario

I ain’t sayin’ you treated me unkind You could have done better but I don’t mind You just kinda wasted my precious time But don’t think twice, it’s all right – Don’t Think Twice, Bob Dylan

One taught me love One taught me patience And one taught me pain Now, I’m so amazing – thank u, next, Ariana Grande

If only there could be Another way to do this ‘Cause it feels like murder To put your heart through this I know I always said That I could never hurt you Well, this is the very, very last time I’m ever going to – Eventually, Tame Impala

It was hard to love a man like you Goodbye was half the words you knew While you was waiting for me not to call I sent my love, I sent my love. – Hard to Love a Man, Magnolia Electric Co.

There’s been some things that I wanted to say a long time Never have I spent a day without you on my mind And I’ve tried a lotta songs and I need to try one that’s new But I don’t have anymore love songs to try on you. – (I Don’t Have) Anymore Love Songs, Hank Williams, Jr.

Watch the steps Get a drink, have a good time now Welcome to paradise, paradise, paradise Since I left you I found the world so new – Since I Left You, The Avalanches

I’m sorry for honesty, I could not bear To lie to you To lie with you I’m sorry for honesty, I’m well aware I lie to you When I lie with you You Don’t do it for me anymore – You Don’t Do It for Me Anymore, Demi Lovato

Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. – Goodbye My Lover, James Blunt

You want to jump and dance, but you sat on your hands And lost your only chance Go back to your hometown, get your feet on the ground And stop floating around – Gone for Good, The Shins

Since he left my life’s so empty Though I try to forget it just can’t be done Each time the doorbell rings I still run. – One Less Bell to Answer, The 5th Dimension

I follow you down until the sound Of my voice will haunt you (Give me just a chance) You’ll never get away from the sound Of the woman who loves you (Was I just a fool) – Silver Springs, Fleetwood Mac

After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that I hold resentment for you But uh uh, oh no, you’re wrong ‘Cause if it wasn’t for all that you tried to do, I wouldn’t know Just how capable I am to pull through So I want to say thank you – Fighter, Christina Aguilera

This is the last song that I write while still in love with you This is the last song that I write while you’re even on my mind ’cause it’s time to leave those feelings behind. – Blue Skies, Noah and the Whale

The scars of your love remind me of us They keep me thinking that we almost had it all. The scars of your love they leave me breathless, I can’t help feeling, we could have had it all. – Rolling in the Deep, Adele

You don’t wanna give and you don’t wanna know how If you were gonna change things, you would’ve by now When were you around? Where were you at? Trying not think about it, baby Running up and down the stairs ‘Til there’s nothing left between us but what we won’t say Walking away, walking away, walking away – Walking Away, HAIM

(I gotta shake you off) ‘Cause the loving ain’t the same and you keep on playing games Like you know I’m here to stay (I gotta shake, shake you off) – Shake It Off, Mariah Carey

I wanna hear your band; I wanna give it advice; I wanna meet your girlfriend, she sounds nice; I wanna take you home; I wanna feel my age; I wanna freak you out on a different stage; I wanna show my teeth; I wanna keep you fed; I wanna get you drunk and let it go to your head So I guess this means we can’t be friends. – We Can’t Be Friends, Loren Scafaria

Before this river Becomes an ocean Before you throw my heart back on the floor Oh baby I reconsider My foolish notion Well I need someone to hold me But I wait for something more Yes I’ve gotta have faith – Faith, George Michael

And every time I’ve held a rose It seems I only felt the thorns And so it goes, and so it goes And so will you soon I suppose – And So It Goes, Billie Joel

Have a seat, have a drink, tell the jury what you think Was I good to you? Was it hell, was it fun, did you think I was the one Was I glued to you? Now that I found someone who makes me wanna live Does that make my leaving harder to forgive? – How to Forget, Jason Isbell

I would rather, I would rather go blind boy Than to see you, walk away from me child. So you see, I love you so much That I don’t want to watch you leave me baby. Most of all, I just don’t, I just don’t want to be free. – I’d Rather Go Blind, Etta James

Show me something, all or nothing You keep on changing your mind I can’t chase it, I can’t take it Only a matter of time ‘Til you’re crawling on your knees Begging pretty please You think it’s funny keeping me wanting And that’s why (I really fucking hate you) – Hate You, Kate Nash

Please don’t say you love me Leave me, don’t fuck with my mind Try to understand like you’re a good friend of mine Cause I’m doing fine, yes I am I’m doing… – Doin Fine, The Heavy

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading So sick and tired of all the needless beating But baby when they knock you Down and out It’s where you oughta stay – I Don’t Love You, My Chemical Romance

Sunshine, blue skies, please go away A girl has found another and gone away With her went my future, my life is filled with gloom So day after day I stay locked up in my room I know to you, it might sound strange But I wish it would rain. – I Wish It Would Rain, The Temptations

In my life Why do I give valuable time To people who don’t care if I live or die? – Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now, The Smiths

Now I’m feeling how I should, never knew single could feel this good, oh Stop playing miss understood, back in the game, who knew I would, oh So flex how I spread my wings, loving myself makes me wanna sing, oh Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah – Ridin’ Solo, Jason Derulo

As I walk this land with broken dreams I have visions of many things But happiness is just an illusion Filled with sadness and confusion. – What Becomes of the Brokenhearted, Jimmy Ruffin

Now oh so easily you’re over me Gone is love It’s me that ought to be moving on You’re not adorable I want something unignorable – Shut Up and Let Me Go, The Ting Tings

Ever since I met you my life’s been a song A sad song, a love song with hate in between – Sound of Your Memory, Willie and Lukas Nelson

Oh, how am I gonna get over you? I’ll be alright, just not tonight Someday, hey oh, I wish you’d want me to stay I’ll be alright, just not tonight – Gonna Get Over You, Sara Bareilles

Loving you Isn’t the right thing to do How can I ever change things That I feel If I could Maybe I’d give you my world How can I When you won’t take it from me – Go Your Own Way, Fleetwood Mac

But If you loved me Why did you leave me Take my body Take my body All I want is All I need is To find somebody I’ll find somebody – All I Want, Kodaline

No more I love you’s The language is leaving me No more I love you’s The language is leaving me in silence No more I love you’s Changes are shifting Outside the words – No More “I Love You’s”, Annie Lennox

There’s a scar on my soul So let me down easy Break my heat sweetly Like you always do. – Break My Heart Sweetly, John Moreland

Drowning in my coffee To wash the alcohol Out my bloodstream Sitting here I wonder If we hadn’t been at all Who would I be? – Getting Over You, Lauv

I was all right for awhile I could smile for awhile But I saw you last night You held my hand so tight As you stopped to say, Hello – Crying, Roy Orbison

Cut the cord Is that a man I once adored? He’s nothing but an albatross No great loss Doublecrosser – Forget About the Boy, from Thoroughly Modern Millie

And you got away, didn’t you babe, You just turned your back on the crowd You got away, I never once heard you say, I need you, I don’t need you I need you, I don’t need you And all of that jiving around – Chelsea Hotel #2, Leonard Cohen

Sometimes I wake up crying at night And sometimes I scream out your name What right does she have to take you away When for so long you were mine – You Were Mine, Dixie Chicks

Why she had to go I don’t know she wouldn’t say I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday. – Yesterday, The Beatles

Don’t call me up I’m going out tonight Feeling good now you’re outta my life Don’t wanna talk about us Gotta leave it behind One drink and you’re outta my mind – Don’t Call Me Up, Mabel

You want me to act like we’ve never kissed You want me to forget Pretend we’ve never met. And I’ve tried and I’ve tried But I haven’t yet. – I Fall to Pieces, Patsy Cline

The judges will decide The likes of me abide Spectators of the show Always staying low The game is on again A lover or a friend A big thing or a small The winner takes it all. – The Winner Takes It All, ABBA

I won’t die this way, got a broken heart ’bout ready to escape and a mouth full of bitterness I can taste it still I wonder if you hate me now – Glendale, Clans

And don’t call me up at 3 in the morning If she didn’t pick up and I’m your second choice ‘Cause I know you’re drunk, your love is a hoax And I hate the fact that I still recognize your voice – Darling Don’t, Silver

But since you been gone I can breathe for the first time I’m so moving on Yeah, yeah Thanks to you Now I get what I want Since you been gone – Since U Been Gone, Kelly Clarkson

Feel so restless, I am, Beat my head against a pole Try to knock some sense, down in my bones. – You Can’t Put Your Arms Around a Memory, Johnny Thunders

I remember you telling me, that you would love me and treat me tenderly. But all you’ve ever given is just plain misery. – To Hear You Say You’re Mine, Candi Staton

Well, I learned that I don’t need you And I don’t need you around ‘Cause I’ve found somebody new, somebody new I said I learned that I do not need you I don’t want you around Like I said, I’ve found somebody new – I Don’t Need You Around, Jackie Wilson

You’re on a different road, I’m in the milky way You want me down on earth, but I am up in space You’re so damn hard to please, we gotta kill this switch You’re from the 70’s, but I’m a 90’s bitch I love it, I love it – I Love It, Icona Pop

Maybe the darkness of the hour Makes me seem lonelier than I am, But over the darkness I have no power, Hope she’ll be happier with him. – Hope She’ll Be Happier, Bill Withers

Moving without you, moving without you Loving without you, loving without you Happy without you, happy without you, happy without you Better without you, better without you, better without you – Better Without You, Kelly Rowland

Now laughing friends deride Tears I cannot hide So I smile and say When a lovely flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes. – Smoke Gets in Your Eyes, The Platters

I hope you know, I hope you know That this has nothing to do with you It’s personal, myself and I We’ve got some straightenin’ out to do – Big Girls Don’t Cry, Fergie

I got no place left to turn I got nothin’ left to burn Don’t know if I saw you if I would kiss you or kill you It probably wouldn’t matter to you anyhow – Standing In the Doorway, Bob Dylan

It must have been love but it’s over now It must have been good but I lost it somehow – It Must Have Been Love, Roxette

If the phone doesn’t ring You’ll know that it’s me I’ll be out in the eye of the storm If the phone doesn’t ring You’ll know that I’ll be Where someone can make me feel warm It’s too bad we can’t turn And live in the past – If the Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me, Jimmy Buffett

He walks away The sun goes down He takes the day, but I’m grown And in your way In this blue shade My tears dry on their own – Tears Try on Their Own, Amy Winehouse

I got it bad I think you know You’re everything, you’re beautiful But my life is fast, can’t make it slow We’re here right now Kiss me before I go, but you got to let me go – Bet Ain’t Worth the Hand, Leon Bridges

When I’m not drinking bay, you are on my mind. When I’m not sleeping you know you’ll find me crying. – Lover You Should’ve Come Over, Jackson C. Frank

And I’m done hoping That we could work it out I’m done with how it feels, Spinning my wheels Letting you drag my heart around And, oh, I’m done thinking You could ever change I know my heart will never be the same But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger – A Little Bit Stronger, Sara Evans

And the grass it was a ticking And the sun was on the rise I never felt so wicked As when I willed our love to die And I was your silver lining as the story goes I was your silver lining but now I’m gold Hooray hooray I’m your silver lining Hooray hooray but now I’m gold – Silver Lining, Rilo Kiley

You roll out of bed and down on your knees And for a moment you can hardly breathe Wondering was she really here Is she standing in my room? No, she’s not ‘Cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. – Dreaming with a Broken Heart, John Mayer

Who’s gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning? Who’s gonna rock you when the sun won’t let you sleep? Who’s waking up to drive you home when you’re drunk and all alone? Who’s gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning? It ain’t me – It Aint Me, Kygo and Selena Gomez

We use to kiss all night but now there’s just no use I don’t know why I fight it, clearly we are through Tell me the truth boy, am I losing you for good? – Losing You, Solange

‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell I had to learn how to fight for myself And we both know all the truth I could tell I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell” I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’ I hope your soul is changin’, changin’ I hope you find your peace Falling on your knees, prayin’ – Praying, Kesha

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