#remember that concepts of masculinity and femininity are fluid and change over time

[canisalbus]

you say machete has to be closeted then why's he always wearing them little heels

Maybe he thinks he's a tiny bit nicer looking in them.

[duckprintspress]

Advice for Writing Trans Male Characters

Hi everyone, and welcome to our second guest post! We approached a trans man, and fellow writer, to put together a list of suggestions for cis people who want to write trans male characters! He has chosen to remain anonymous. Always remember, there is no one trans experience, and no one trans person’s knowledge will reflect the range of ways that trans people live. Our post author writes from his perspective, based on his knowledge and research, and much of this is relatively specific to the modern United States. Always use multiple sources when writing a character with an identity or identities that you don’t share!

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So, you want to write a trans male character but you're not a trans man yourself. Good! We need more trans male characters out there in the world. There are a few things to consider, however. This is not a perfect list (I would never claim to be perfect), but here are some thoughts from a trans man about writing people like me.

Trans men are men. They talk like men, think like men, and walk like men, except where socialization as women has forced otherwise. By this I mean that descriptions should not include things like “he walked delicately, like a woman”. However he walks, it's like a man, because he’s a man. Other characters should not note that he “thinks like a woman” or that he “acts like a woman.” If you talk about a trans man transitioning and you mention that he is working on ways to masculinize his speech patterns or walking, that's fine, but make sure it's done from his perspective, e.g. “Michael tried to lower his voice, attempting to sound more like his father.” Do not use “Michael tried to lower his voice, not wanting to sound like a woman.” It's his voice and he sounds like a man. Also, many woman have deeper registers and many men have higher registers, and there's honestly not that much difference between a woman who speaks in a low alto and a man who speaks in a high tenor. Avoid gendering voices, mannerisms, and other things. A good rule of thumb is that if it's a concept, idea, or an inanimate or non-sentient thing, it is physically and/or emotionally incapable of having a gender and you should not assign one to it.

1. A trans man who has decided that all he needs to do is come out to be a man is still a man, with a man's body and male genitals, because he says he's a man. Even if he is not out, he is a man. He can be uncomfortable with his body, or with how others perceive his body, but it should not be described in terms of “womanly” aspects.

EX: David's breasts made him uncomfortable, reminding him that others looked at him differently than how he would have liked.

2. 72% of trans men do not ever want full gender reassignment surgery, and this doesn’t make them “less of a man.” The surgeries are expensive, invasive, and don’t always result in a fully functional genital apparatus. Also, there are a lot of them. A trans man, to have a full semi-working penis (one that will not be useful for sex but will at least be useful for urination), is looking at at least three surgeries: to remove the labia, to 'bulk up' the clitoris, and to move the urethra. There are also surgeries to remove the cervix and/or the uterus, to create a scrotum, and to add a pump inside the scrotum attached to a surgical implant in the penis to assist with arousal. Even if a man has all these surgeries, the penis he gets loses most of its sensitivity and won’t become physically aroused (as in, achieve erection) without medical intervention. He may also need electrolysis to remove pubic hair. Ultimately, many trans men opt not to deal with it. Many still want top surgery, or a hysterectomy, or both, and often testosterone is used to help deepen their voice and change their body shape (but, again, gendering a trans man's voice by suggesting it's “feminine” because he's not on testosterone or because his voice hasn't dropped yet is not a great idea). It depends on the type and amount of dysphoria a person experiences, versus their financial and mental ability to deal with the different choices. Some trans men are happy with no hormones and only top surgery. Others want or need everything. There is no “correct” way to be trans.

3. Unless your story revolves around their transition (which, as a cis person, maybe it's best you don't do, honestly), there’s no reason to go into detail about your trans male character's surgeries. If it’s not plot relevant, it's probably not necessary.

4. If you’re writing porn, make sure to always use male pronouns for him, even if he has chosen not to go through surgery. If he has gone through surgery, what he has will be indistinguishable from a cis male penis except that he may need viagra or a surgical pump.

5. Reactions to testosterone are different for every trans man. Some men never have their voices drop, never grow a beard, and/or never bulk up and get all muscle-y. Some men are on testosterone for two weeks and have a Gandalf beard with a voice low enough to sing bass. It just depends, mostly on genetics. If your character's father is a super hairy mountain man who sings bass in his lumberjack quartet, then your character is more likely to end up similar. If your character's father is basically an elf, then he's likely to be similar to that. Also, for a number of reasons, a trans man may choose not to or may be incapable of taking testosterone. Most doctors won’t prescribe it if the man wants to carry his own children in the future, for example.

6. Keep in mind that the order in which testosterone produces effects on a man’s body isn’t predictable, so don't worry too hard about 'getting it right.' Even trans men can't predict what they'll look like after being on testosterone for a while.

7. Also, a note: If your character is transmasculine and nonbinary, and taking testosterone, it's likely they will be on a lower dose than a trans man. That's not always true, but testosterone can be given at a few different doses, depending on how drastic a change a person wants and how quickly they want that change to occur. There’s still no guarantee: a trans man may never be able to grow a beard on a full dose, while a transmasculine nonbinary person might be on a very low dose and have a beard within the first month. But, generally, lower doses are meant to bring out smaller changes over a longer period of time, while higher doses are meant to bring out larger changes over a shorter period of time.

8. A non-fluid trans man is going to consider himself a man at all times, and always use he/him pronouns for himself, whether or not everyone else does. If you're writing a trans man point-of-view piece where he's not out or where he's not fully accepted, make sure he or the narrator always uses the right pronouns when others don't. That helps remind your audience that he's not the person other people think he is.

EX: Daniel was frustrated. His grandmother insisted on calling him “Sarah” no matter how many times he corrected her.

9. Menstruation is a difficult topic for a lot of trans men. Some men lose their ability to menstruate when they take testosterone, while others continue to menstruate. If they retain their uterus, however, the possibility of a menstrual cycle is always there. If/when menstruation happens for a trans man, it's often a time of major dysphoria. A trans man may have a lot of issues surrounding menstruation. Having a cervix also means yearly Pap smears, which can also be uncomfortable or dysphoria-inducing. Dysphoria can also happen during ovulation, when a person is most fertile. The body during this time is “getting ready for a baby” and the changes can be very triggering.

10. Testosterone may stop menstruation, but it doesn't necessarily stop pregnancy. Also, some trans men will go off their testosterone in order to carry their own child. During their pregnancy, it is important that they are still referred to as men. A trans man will generally prefer to be called “father” even if he carried the child, but some may prefer the term “mother.” If a cis person wishes to write a pregnant trans character, it would be better to err on the side of caution and use “father.” A trans man who has gone through top surgery will not likely be able to nurse his own children, but a man who has chosen to use a binder instead will be able to (probably - some people don’t/can’t lactate for other reasons). Whether or not he chooses to will be up to him.

11. Gender Dysphoria is the medical diagnosis given to trans people who want to do any form of medical transitioning. Being transgender is not in and of itself a diagnosis. A person can be transgender and choose never to transition medically. Dysphoria is generally most clearly understood as a form of discomfort in the body you possess. Sometimes a person experiencing dysphoria is uncomfortable with their body no matter what. He doesn't like his breasts, for example, unless they are bound, no matter what his setting is, who is looking at him, etc. His dysphoria takes the form of nausea at the mere sight of them. Alternatively, some people only experience dysphoria relating to how others see them. For example, a man may not mind his breasts when he's alone, and he doesn't usually bind, but on a specific day while he wasn't binding someone glance at his breasts before calling him 'ma'am' and now he can't uncross his arms in case someone else looks his way. For some people dysphoria comes and goes, and they have good days and bad days. Also, images can be dysphoria-inducing. For example, seeing a pregnant person might remind a man that he has a uterus, and make him extremely uncomfortable all day. Other people may go several days, or weeks or months, without experiencing dysphoria, but when it hits it affects them for a long time or very severely. Or a person might experience dysphoria every day, as kind of a low-level mental fog they can't shake.

12. Gender Euphoria is as valid as Gender Dysphoria. Gender Euphoria is the idea that a person might be content in the body given to them, but will never be truly happy unless they make a change. These people can live their whole lives as the gender assigned to them at birth without severe mental issues or physical problems, but it's like living a life without color. They can do it, but if there's a way to get color back, why wouldn't they?

13. Changing names is complicated and takes time. It also differs in every state/country, and may need to be re-done when a trans man moves. In some states, all they need to change their name legally is a court order. In other areas, a trans man needs to have lived using their new name for a period of time, or have doctor’s notes and authorizations. Once the character has changed their name legally through the courts, they need to change their driver's license, banking information, insurance, work papers, social security information, passport, birth certificate, and any other documentation bearing their name. It can take anywhere from a month to a year or more, and is expensive, sometimes prohibitively so. It's okay to have a trans male character who goes by “Mark” but whose parents or grandparents refer to as “Melissa.” The important thing is to make sure narratively you are confirming that those people are wrong.

EX: “Melissa! It's nice to see you come to visit!” Mark's mom said. Mark cringed, hating the sound of his deadname, but he hadn't yet been able to convince his mother to use the right one.

14. Do not portray a character binding for more than eight hours or with unsafe binders in a positive light. Just don’t. Binding, even with professional/high-end binders, is not safe. It's a stopgap - safer than not binding at all for some people whose dysphoria is really bad. It constricts the lungs and can break ribs if not done properly. It can permanently alter a person's chest cage if done for an extensive period of time. It's a necessary evil for people who are waiting to get their surgery done, in order to keep them alive to have that surgery. It's not a permanent cure-all. Binding also can cause dysphoria. A person who doesn't have dysphoria surrounding his chest can develop it after wearing a binder. So, have your character bind safely, or discuss the issues surrounding unsafe binding. (And yes, this applies even in a fantasy setting or world where the technology may be different. A story is a story, but the impact it could have on a real trans man is potentially dangerous, so write with consideration, and if you do introduce a magical or technological solution to this, maintain awareness of the reality.)

15. Transitioning without an in-person support group is one of the most common factors in transitioning regret. Give your character someone to go to the doctor with them, someone to hold their hand when they get scared, someone to talk them through moments when they're unsure. No one who goes under the knife is always completely 100% sure all the time. They need a community. Surgery and hormones are scary, even if a trans man knows he wants them, and trying to go it alone can spell disaster.

16. Given that a trans man will consider himself a man, it can be challenging to make it clear to a reader that he’s trans. If he's the main/POV character, you can write him dealing with some dysphoria. For example, if you decide your character binds, mention that his breasts are bothering him particularly badly one day. Have him adjust his binder. Describe putting a binder on. That kind of thing. If he's a minor character, it can be more challenging, but you can still have him do things like adjust a binder. You could also mention surgical scars, if a character takes off their shirt. Another thing you can do is just have the main character remember a time “before Mark went by Mark” (for example). Another way is to have the character mention some way in which they are fighting for trans rights, and acknowledge that the issue is personal to them. Try not to use the deadname unless he’s facing an actual microaggression by another character. The narrative or narrator character should never deadname the character.

17. FTM is not an accepted term anymore, as it implies that a person was one thing and changed. Generally speaking, if a trans man is not genderfluid, then he was never female or a woman. Likewise, the phrase “born in the wrong body” is not acceptable for use by cis people. The only real use it has is to explain dysphoria by transgender characters to cisgender characters who aren't inclined to listen or try to understand. The accepted term is AFAB, or Assigned Female At Birth. Keep in mind that terms and labels change with time, so do your research. For example, if you’re writing a historical piece, different terms may be more appropriate, and if you’re writing a modern current-day piece, understand that in ten or twenty years the terminology you use will likely have grown outdated.

18. The proper way to write the term is always “trans man” and never “transman”. Trans is an adjective describing a type of man, just like you might say an Asian man or a muscled man or a gay man. This comes back to the idea that a trans man is always a man, first and foremost.

19. An easy pitfall to avoid if your trans male character's setting is modern or modernesque is: Don't make the story all about their oppression. We are aware of the many ways in which the modern world is trying to oppress and harm the trans community, but trans men can still be happy and interesting people. They can have dysphoria without being depressed. They aren’t necessarily the “down in the dumps” character. Also, trans men have a long history of being activists, and are often erased in history, so don't be afraid to make your trans men an out-and-loud activist. Yes, terrible things have happened and continue to happen to trans men, and any trans man who has done any research into trans history will know about individuals like Brandon Teena. Trans men know the dangers they face. Knowing that bad things can and are happening doesn't mean a trans man can't find his own joy in life, despite things not being perfect.

20. Keep in mind when writing in historical settings that trans men have existed for as long as people have existed. Many trans men were able to go through life completely “undetected” until they died and those around them conducted culturally-common burial practices. It’s not unreasonable to have a trans man in Regency England, Yuan China, or Roman times. If you're writing about non-European-centric history, many cultures acknowledged those who didn’t present the way their AGAB (assigned gender at birth) would suggest, and do your research. Also, keep intersectionality in mind, and tread especially carefully when writing a trans man from a culture and period other than your own. This post is mostly applicable to trans men in the modern era, and especially in the United States. The trans male experience will be different in other places in the world, for people of different ages and of different religions and ethnicities and races, so the more traits your trans man has that are outside your own experience as a cis writer, the more you should consider if it’s wise for you write the story you have in mind, or if it might not be better to allow in-group members to tell those stories. And never forget - trans men can and are all things - all races, all religions, abled and disabled, etc. People have nuanced identities and multiple identifiers and trans is always only one of many.

21. In fantastical or science fiction settings, please always ask yourself if oppression of trans people or bigotry against them is even needed. Maybe a society doesn't assign gender at birth, but waits until a child is old enough to tell the society where they belong. Maybe a society reveres those who are under the transgender umbrella. Maybe children are considered genderless until they reach puberty. You have a million and one options; why limit yourself to what modern predominantly Western white Christian society says? If you do make a society that doesn't look anything like the modern world, for example they assign gender at age five, think about how that would affect society as a whole. What kind of pronouns would be used for children under five? Are young children genderless, or are they seen as genderfluid? What about people who age past five and are still genderless or genderfluid? What are the naming conventions for children?

22. There are mixed feelings regarding how a science fiction or fantasy setting should treat transitioning. Should it be an easy fix, with magic or advance science doing it instantly or nearly so? Or should it be difficult, reflecting the modern situation where the process often years before a person can feel “finished?” That's up to you. Trans people themselves are split on this, so there’s no pleasing everyone. Do your best, and whichever way you choose, make sure to tag it accurately or, for original fiction, be clear up front what approaches you’ve chosen, so people can choose not to read something that may make them uncomfortable at best or trigger them and profoundly harm them at worst.

Ultimately, your trans man is your character and you can do with him as you wish. Write responsibly, and do your research, and if you can, get a sensitivity reader or a beta who is a trans man.

So, go, diversify those stories, write the things, and present good representation! Happy writing!

[incarnateirony]

15.11 and moving forward

Some of you may have seen my Putrefied in Purgatory video surrounding 15.09. Putrefaction is the reduction of a material to its barest state for a new foundation, rotting away to the alchemical Blackened state to rebuild on new stages of whitening (which seemed to crest in 15.10 for Dean), then yellowing and reddening en route, though for completion there's other stages ahead of us (as per what I lended towards in Philosopher's Gold, also 15.09 video.)

But I think what I need to do is discuss the tree.

SO MOVING FORWARD, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN ALCHEMY AND QABBALAH SPN LAND. GLAD YOU ASKED, NOBODY.

I *AM* gonna need you to bear with me right now, because I’m about to data-dump out a bunch of information and then go back over and explain how this is connecting to what Andrew Fucking Dabb and company are doing actively, episode by episode. If you don’t get it on first read, that’s fine, once I start putting it in terms and concepts and show stuff you get, scroll back and re-digest in frame.

Okay so, let’s drop some points. You may have remembered me making early videos of Belphegor as the ruler of Thagirion after 15.01 (x) and later, one called Worthy of Love for Tiphareth (x), but not before he who blocks and hampers the heart guides walked them through flames they were not yet ready to access (x), causing an unlevel involution between the Three Principles with Castiel reaching a reddening while Dean sat in darkness and Sam struggled to maintain his own light.

 This is going to become very important to my babbling, but the concept is that there is a nega/void/blockage version of the tree that has “evil” versions of each node. Tiphareth’s shadow is Thagirion. Tiphareth is the essence of love, true and genuine. It dominates the heart chakra, and its disputer, Belphegor, the blocker, is he who does not believe in love and observes marriages for dissent and further aggitates the blockage in the path. Sound familiar?

This Sephira is in some respects the most important of all. It is the centre of the whole system; it is the only Sephira below the Abyss which communicates directly with Kether. (Think crown/godhead/source -- white node #1) It is fed directly from Chokmah and Binah; also from Chesed and Geburah. (I’ll... get into these another time, they’re a higher segment) It is thus admirably fitted to dominate the lower Sephiroth; it is balanced both vertically and horizontally. In the planetary system it represents the Sun; in the system of Tetragrammaton it represents the Son. In other words, the Son is an interpretation of the Father in terms of the Mind. [Tiphareth is] thus representative of [the four] elements at their practical best.  (Book of Thoth, p.181) 

You don’t say. (vaguely screams into fist about who and what the Mind is and who and what the Father in this Aeon is)

Soft Husband Gaze Dot Gif not found in tumblr search so I’ma nab and tag another by @starsmish​

Dean and Cas’ blowout over Jack, “you’re dead to me”, was over Cas knowing something was wrong with Jack, and not telling them, and Dean’s anger leading to distrust.

That was putrefied in purgatory, everything laid bare. And while they haven’t had their heart to heart yet (that big good omens energy shot is probably from 12, a bobocuda episode like The Future was), here–

Cas already had his gasping, shocked, clutched reunion with the son. Sam came home and gave a squeeze too.

But Dean walked up, put a hand behind his son’s neck, stared deeply into his eyes to see if it was him. And, as if doubting himself, looked to his somber husband, who silently communicated and affirmed it, and Dean knew, and trusted, and believed, and their son was home.

Someone launch me to jupiter please

oh wait neverfuckingmind, Dabb and co are working on that shortly.

Tiphareth, the heart, is the central vein, the power between godhood and the terrestrial earth as manifest in Malkuth.

I had pointed out the choice taste in Dean emerging from black in a white suit to look into yellow light and past red drapes in 15.10 and that Dean seemed to be approaching his whitening, but that’s even truer now.

The phases I speak of bear relevance to these.

Just--humor me and see earth as the blackened base from the human perspective, even if the blackened base of the Shadow of Man lies beneath the Ain Soph (which I’ll show some inverted trees for later). I’ve spoken of lunar light in regards to the whitening before, and it even rose in my Reflection video about crucifying the ego before it was too late (x) (please mind the video was made a year ago now based on hermetic pattern spec)  “The moon gives me her secret, a confidant; as full and bright as I am, this light is not my own and a million light reflections pass over me.” 

(aside re: crucifying the ego, it’s about removing the blackened snake of our unrefined parts of the self, similar to putrefaction, so a step we just crossed)

In alchemy, albedo is one of the four major stages of the magnum opus, along with nigredo, citrinitas/xanthosis and rubedo. It is a Latinicized term meaning "whiteness". Following the chaos or massa confusa of the nigredo stage, the alchemist undertakes a purification or rectification in albedo, which is literally referred to as ablutio or absolution – the washing away of impurities. This phase is concerned with "bringing light and clarity to the prima materia (personal material)". But the transmutational state is ... well.

“The whitening phase is ruled by the moon and as such is reflective, in that it does not have its own light. The maturation of the whitening happens via reflection and is often described as mirroring. The reflective processes, of thinking and feeling, dominate the direct experiences of intuition, sensation and imagination. Knowledge is King, and Mystery is banished by the whitening ego's searchlight. Perfection is idealised, and imperfection seen as weakness. Immediate gratification is expected. Nothing is allowed to mature. Lacking true wisdom, we are children in adult's bodies. Our leaders lack the vision to see the real problems, and the guts to really change things.

“The first main goal of the process... highly prized by many alchemists... is the silver or moon condition, which still has to be raised to the sun condition. The albedo [whitening], is so to speak, the daybreak, but not till the rubedo [reddening] is it sunrise. The transition to the rubedo is formed by the citrinitas [yellowing], though this, as we said, was omitted later.” (x)

Now let’s take a look at how that applies to Yesod in the middle pillar, above Malkuth, both of which gain power from light *elsewhere* -- that is, Tiphareth.

Of Yesod: 

“After the double excursion into misfortune, (Hod and Netzach) the current returns to the middle pillar. This Sephira is the seat of the great crystallization of Energy. But it takes place very far down the Tree, at the apex of the third descending triangle, and a flat triangle at that. There is little help from low, unbalanced spheres like Netzach and Hod. What saves Yesod is the direct ray from Tiphareth; this Sephira is in the direct line of succession. (Book of Thoth) “

Yesod is that subtle basis upon which the physical world is based....It is the Astral Plane, which in one sense being passive and reflecting energies from above is lunar, even as the moon reflects the light of the sun. The Astral Light is an omnipresent and all-permeating fluid or medium of extremely subtle matter; substance in a highly tenuous state, electric and magnetic in constitution, which is the model upon which the physical world is built. It is the endless, changeless, ebb and flow of the world's forces that, in the last resort, guarantee the stability of the world and provides its foundation. [...]  The general conception of Yesod is of change with stability. (Regardie, 1994)

So let’s take a quick aside on that double journey into instability in Hod and netzach, and I’ll leave everyone to think of how this correlates now.

The position of Netzach is doubly unbalanced; off the middle pillar, and very low down on the Tree. It is taking a very great risk to descend so far into illusion, and, above all, to do it by frantic struggle. Netzach pertains to Venus...and the greatest catastrophe that can befall Venus is to lose her Heavenly origin. (Book of Thoth, p.182)

The sphere of Hod represents on a very much lower plane similar qualities to those obtaining in Chokmah. It is the lower plane, first primitive version of union and sharing between the divine masculine and feminine (SPN video recs [x], [x] ) as mirrored to Netzach’s above details.

So we’ve got... lesser unions *scrolls over 15.9* cast down Mark wedding, check, from a blackened putrified base of Malkuth not yet even fully acquiring its own awareness of reflected light in Yesod or Albedo. 15.10 Dean does seem to start gaining some sense of light and dream, if reflected off of imaginings of others while coming out from behind the curtain *checks* but it’s not fully manifest yet. Now the heroes struggle through descending into illusion and frantic struggle, questioning all they know in existence, or their “luck”. *checks* 

Now, Fortuna tells our heroes a good deal of what we knew they needed to hear. In the end it really isn’t about their luck. Heroes aren’t extinct, but it’s not about playing god’s game, it’s about playing their own. The divine feminine told them the secrets of the gods and, in a way, it is the steps towards mastering their human sovereignty.

Notice the lunar card path lending towards the lunar Yesod node, for example, even using arcana -- given this is Grey’s system, there’s a few others.

Uh, ignore the given card/highlighted path for now, that’s there for reasons you may recognize that I’ll bang on about elsewhere.(Aeon, for the record, is basically the same as Judgement and World=Universe, and Lust=Strength different naming system -- you’ll notice the second names on the first chart apply here, though in a matter of descending vs ascending. A few are different; and I’m not gonna pledge up and down which version Dabb is using, so I’m more going to take the raw idea that works across multiple models)

In the interim -- and defaulting back to Tiphareth after following the path of the Sun through Art, towards the philosopher’s stone of unabridged love, marriage, the sun and the son, the moon reflects the light of the sun, the Rising Sun, albeit not yet back to its proper reddening -- the yellow familial light I’ve banged on about in this show, even beyond our romantic pairings. The sun had been lost and the family and the three principles fell into chaos, needing to rebuild. And yet, as Castiel brings home Jack, we see the growth even in these few episodes: 

With pain and distrust betrayed in purgatory, over having failed to communicate issues with Jack, once everything was laid bare and rotten to base to rebuild in Purgatory, Dean looked to Castiel after doubting himself staring into Jack’s eyes to know if their son was truly home, and by a look, he knew, and accepted, and as weighty as it was, that family was complete.

Back to Tiphareth as the four elements in harmony, we have our future playing field here. 

I will tap back to Hod reflecting Chokmah though, at a lesser value, by citing some points of Chokmah: “male creative energy, wisdom and the expression of a single idea in terms of duality. It transmits the idea of the divine unity to its feminine counterpart, the understanding, somewhat as a man transmits the essence of his character to his wife so that he perceives his inmost nature, itself unintelligible to him directly, by observing the flowering of that essence in his son. “

Cough. blossom.

Anyway,

the yellowing is upon them all now, in actual harmony, with the return of the sun by which to reflect their light in Yesod, but furthermore, to step forward.

Hm. What saves Yesod is the direct ray from Tiphareth.

Their su/on. Is home. And the yellow light, if faint at first, as they come to speak, has returned, lingering between them. The yellowing itself comes from moving into a form of being where one’s own soul is less a reflected light of the grand scheme of things and one’s own personal, generated light, and that is landing upon us shortly.

To like, fully break down this path shit I’d have to go full like alchemical sermon here, but I’m more trying to map out just how artistically rendered this show is using these paths. 

So where do we go now? The crown, Kether, is our goal. But we’re not ready to Priestess rocket straight that direction, as much as there’s still a strong overshadow of Kether upon them, even if the Star’s light descending leads towards hope. 

But we’ve left the primitive base triangle now. Geburah and Chesed await. 

Geburah:

The introduction of the number Five shows the idea of motion coming to the aid of that of matter...The result is a complete upset of the statically stabilized system. Now appear storm and stress. (The Book of Thoth, p.180)

Despite the fact that Geburah is a feminine potency, as are all Sephiros [sic] on the left-hand column of the Tree, practically all its attributions are male and vigorous...This is not confusion of thought, but a recognition of the necessity for equilibrium." (Regardie, 1994)

Geburah represents on a much lower plane the Sakti force-element attributed to Binah. (Regardie, 1994)

The quality of Geburah is summed up in the general idea of strength and power and force. Its card based attributions are strife, disappointment, defeat, and worry. That which the heart must overcome with strength.

Chesed:

Lots of crazy mystic math involved but summarily Righteousness, Mercy, and Love, combining seemingly diverse ideas.

 "below the Abyss"; therefore, in practice, it means solidification, materialization. Things have become manifest. The essential point is that it expresses the Rule of Law...The manifestation promised by Binah has now taken place. Chesed...is the highest idea which can be understood in an intellectual way. (The Book of Thoth).

These are given to travel to Chokmah (which I’ve noted already) and Binah “For she is omniform as Love and as Death, the Great Sea whence all Life springs, and whose black womb reabsorbs all. She thus resumes in herself the duplex process of the Formula of Love under Will" (Little Esssays Towards Truth, "Love") - planetary association Saturn, so you may.. *gestures back at other videos* (x)

Like... Rowena’s Reverse Womb Symbolism Dot Jaypeg, “Death is an infinite vessel.” (reminder drop x)

“In short, Binah is the substantive vehicle of every possible phenomenon, physical or mental” (Regardie, 1994)

opposite chokmah, as above mentioned in the masculine presence of the union to meet the godhead.

These lovers must still walk different paths for a time, but will meet across the void of hidden knowledge before standing at the crown, if only after facing their strife and personal strength, taking the understanding of the moon and fortuna, to not play another’s game, to blossom into holding one’s own light along with completion in the family unit, and to find wisdom in the hidden things between them, by which the aged hermit, the hierophant, he who held the unofficiated wedding’s gold, the incomplete, lesser manifestation at Hod, and formerly cast it down -- as his foundation to approach the crown.

At more immediate, Netzach is also led forward by Fortune or Fortuna towards Chesed. The Hermit, a role Sam has heavily embodied on his Hierophant path, crosses from Tiphareth. As the one that impressed Fortuna, Sam is likely the one to hold the torch of her words right now, and figure out how to make Chuck play their game. Whereas Hod travels the road of the Hanged Man, each to find their strength sourced upward from Tiphareth, the heart, the sun, the son, the marriage, the family light, the yellowing, with adjustment through Tiphareth removing some of the pillar of severity and the hanged man road ahead of the struggling, still separated union.

Death descends from Binah to Geburah, enacting her volatile change and meeting the path of the hanged man, empowered by heart and adjustment; the hierophant will meet and become the hermit at Chesed. The path of the united lovers is an inevitability in any system rising from the heart towards the path of the hanged man in affiliation with the divine feminine, death's forces included; and the hierophant enacts the emperor on way to the divine masculine. The Emperor and Empress' marriage will end up being the fundament by which to face that final triangle of upper creation.

For those of you who remember me banging on about Art/Temperance versus Lovers arcana all goddamn hiatus, enjoy seeing them spawn out of Tiphareth there.

Here the red eagle and white lion commune and share in their parts, for the restoration of the golden orphic (x) child and great work under the hands of the Hierophant against the pillars of overseeing divine fem/masc (here represented in Adam and Lilith, other versions Adam and Eve)

Just... honestly just read this (x) if you want to know more about how each of these elementson those cards correspond to the above paths.

So I guess this is a really long magical way of shipper Sam is gonna have to get these two knuckleheads cosmically married and complete before standing as the godman and subverting the allfather with the rebirth of the heart and their su/on. And hopefully not have Eileen recreate the Rowena thing on the way. Or Cas for that matter.

The complete deconstruction of the lovers in purgatory was necessary, having been in the cursed and evil, inverted tree and blocked at Tiphareth. Now we can build forward in light and knowledge and the sovereign journey of man, even if it has its pitfalls and misfortunes. The Empress’ marriage to the Emperor makes foundation for the Fool (which isn’t what it sounds like) and the Magician’s completed work, finalizing the top triangle of unity to complete their magnum opus against god. Man created the gods, and are to soon prove themselves the equal of him.

And that’s my rambling because I suck at teaching this shit.

*nervous chuckling for potential ways for Castiel’s deal to work out right now*

[fekst-fucker]

Mothman anon back again cause i'm a simp. Can i get some EJ, Masky, Toby, Bloody Painter, and Clockwork with a genderfluid s/o?

MOTH I missed u welcome back !! 🤎

Eyeless Jack

- Ever since turning into a demon gender is, like, super fake to him

- Okay not fake. But like, it doesn’t phase him in the least

- I think there are also days that he decides he wants to go by different pronouns, sometimes he’ll ask to go by they/them

- So he’s very relieved to have a gender fluid s/o, you guys really balance each other out and are a huge source of relief for each other

- Since it’s so personal to him he WILL hunt down anybody who doesn’t respect your identity

- Literally offhand if you tell him “oh someone misgendered me today but no biggie” he’ll just stand up like “excuse me” and not come back for. Hours

- And then come back covered in blood! And not explain himself at all :)

Masky

- He’s a little more human and a lil older so this concept, while not new or confusing to him, takes a little more concentration to grasp

- He’s a very laid back person so he won’t necessarily react too much or show that he has a couple questions to ask you

- Ofc he’s going to be respectful and listen intently to what you ask of him but he’s probably the most likely to slip up

- Which is then followed by a lot of “fuck. Oh shit. Sorry. Fuck”

- Super good at adjusting to every little thing you ask of him, without even realizing it. Working for a 15 foot tall faceless being makes you really good at just accepting things without blinking

- He wishes he had known about this when he was a bit younger himself, because the more he talks to you and thinks about it the more he thinks he had friends who didn’t know that they were genderfluid, or maybe he’s genderfluid (I can also see him going by they/them some days)

- It honestly breaks his heart to see that people didn’t know themselves so he’s so proud that you’re comfortable in your own skin

Toby

- Okay so. When you first tell him he makes a face like a really worried face

- You’re scared that he’s gonna say something about it but instead he’s like “fuck I’m never gonna be able to remember the right pronouns”

- That’s a lie he’s totally fine about it, he’s just so so worried about saying the wrong thing because he loves you n he loves making you happy

- His big way of connecting is talking with you about non-binary/other genderfluid celebrities because it’s a good viewpoint for him, like he takes how other people treat them and do his best to apply it to you

- If you like using more feminine/masculine/neutral clothing or accessories he is READY, he wears lil barrettes in case you want one and will offer you his hoodies or jackets

Bloody Painter

- Again, if you like to dress in more feminine/masculine/neutral clothing each day, Helen loves to paint you in each of your outfits

- He has a little collage he made of you up on his wall :,)

- OF COURSE he’s patient and very understanding about your gender identity because, well, he was low key forced to grow up as female and that was a weird experience for him

- He adjusts to pronouns super easily, even if you ask to go by something different every few hours

- Most of the time he just uses your name or cute little nicknames

Clockwork

- Literally the human embodiment of chill

- So if you were nervous to tell her and mumbling through your words or starting over to explain it better she’d just be so patient and let you finish your thoughts

- And then she’d just be like “okay, rad” and not really mention it again

- If you want to talk about it she’s all ears and she’s very open with questions that she has

- Obviously she’s respectful of any pronoun changes or requests! It might take her a second to remember though

- She’s afraid she’ll slip up so most days she just uses the good ol’ neutral “babe”

- Or if you don’t like “babe”, whichever other cute nickname you want :,)

[bellesdomain]

Starlight Express Workshop - Thurs 14th Sept

Let me preface this with my overall impressions - this show was fantastic in many ways, the performances were all amazing, the band was fantastic, the staging was remarkably full and entertaining given the circumstances!  It was an absolutely fascinating experience, I’m so glad I had the chance to go - and that I’m going again to see how it develops further.  

But as reviews like this are bound to, this is all going to come across as very negative - but I want to start off emphasising how much I enjoyed it overall!

The theatre is a small, steeply raked auditorium, with a thrust stage about level with the 3rd row.  The stairways on either side were accessible from the stage and used in the performance.  There’s a gantry upstage, which forms a platform for the 8 piece band and Control - yup, live Control onstage.  He had fabulous glowing headphones and an Ipad that seemed to be a racing game - I think it also included his script!  Generally I am very anti-live Control, when it comes to non-replica productions - since the entire show takes place in his imagination, he exists on a different plane to the action therefore they shouldn’t interact. But given the fluid nature of this workshop, pre-recording the kid would be impossible so it worked ok!

The show opened with Andrew Lloyd Webber and Arlene Phillips giving us the context of the evening.  Lloyd Webber explained how they’d workshopped “School of Rock” in a similar manner - no big automation, complex lighting cues or costume changes, just establishing the story telling.  Great concept!  And the venue “The Other Palace” theatre in Victoria, is being run for precisely this function.

Lloyd Webber also told us how he and Arlene Phillips had visited the German production for the English Gala, and he hardly recognised the show they were performing as his work.  And indeed, I was also at the English Gala and suddenly hearing the material in its original language made the inconsistencies and plot holes glaringly obvious!  So the point of this workshop is to see if they can get the show back into shape for a future production, as well as the German production’s 30th anniversary next May.

The show opened in a familiar manner, Control (playing with his ipad), sent to bed by his Mother. She sings her lullaby, the melody is taken up by the mouth organ.  The Overture modulates, repeats, swells, in the fans’ mind’s eye you see the shadowy figures skating around the set - and then Control interrupts with “Stop that Boring Music!” And begins to introduce the National Engines.

I think it’s fair to say this change is getting a bit of negative feedback.  That overture is the literal HEART of the show, it’s the preview of the Starlight Sequence, it’s the title song melody.  It’s the magic happening, as Control falls asleep and we enter his dreamscape.  The Overture alone will literally draw people to tears.  To have Control dismiss it as “boring music” is crass, insensitive, and a tonal mis-fire, alienating Control from the audience.  In other words, he’s a brat!

Entry of the National Trains is always a clunky way to start the show, these minor characters are so unimportant to the plot.  Placing the scene later, before AC/DC, makes for better story telling, as the audience have already established who’s important and it contextualises Electra’s entrance as we’re calling forward the competitors for the race. Anyway, the workshop has given us some new names for the Nationals - Bobo the French train is now the feminine Coco, which works well.  The German Engine is now named after Wagner’s opera das Rheingold. Rather than fix the dated and embarrassing reference, the Japanese train is still Nintendo.  And the British train is now “Brexit” - which is as topical a joke, and I suspect will last in the public conscious about as well as his APT designation did.  Yeah, that’s the point. Nobody remembers!  A very quickly dated reference.  There were a few of them throughout the night, so hopefully they’ll be reconsidered. Rolling Stock - Oliver Tompsett as Greaseball, greased back hair and stubble, was hilarious and a bit menacing - would probably be more menacing if I weren’t so steeped in his performances from Rock of Ages!  The strangest thing here though, was it. Was. so. Slow. There’s a strange quirk that the 1984 original cast recording has the Rolling Stock track at a stodgy plod - as if an LP record is played on the wrong setting! And this is what they decided to replicate live.  The performances were all brilliant, the ensemble mugging it up as their Nationals, it was hilarious and engaging, but why so slow?  As far as I know, it wasn’t performed that slow in 1984, it’s just a quirk of the recording -  but Andrew Lloyd Webber obviously approved of this!

Second number in was Crazy.  Throughout, Crazy and Call Me Rusty have been mixed up and cut together - along with remnants of Engine of Love in there as well.  It works, sort of, plot-wise it’s exactly like Engine of Love, here’s young Rusty and the coaches.  There’s a lovely bit of contextualisation where Control explains “Rusty is the first train I got when I was six” which grounds us as these are his toys.  Then into Crazy.  George Ure as Rusty may have dried on his opening lyrics, but a bit of ad-libbing and he was back on track.  Christina Bennington as Pearl got straight in there with the high option for Pearl’s “Til someone better comes along”.

Greaseball, Nationals come in to bully Rusty, and the coaches all stick up for him, however Pearl makes the point that she’s not actually Rusty’s partner, flirting with Greaseball.  Then we have a version of “Call Me Rusty”, the short version used in Vegas I believe, layering “Call me Rusty if you dare. Call me Rusty if you like…”  with the coaches still having the mid break from the original but with some new lyrics from Pearl about “we’re just friends”. Rusty is sent to fetch the trucks, and we have the original intro into Locomotion, “Rusty/can’t/be serious, him/go in/for the race?” but then there was some new material, Greaseball flirting with Pearl, saying “woowoowoo you’re brand new!” Dinah comes forward to warn him off Pearl but she gets sent to “go make the tea” by Greaseball and the Nationals.  Here’s where we’re introduced to Tassita (shhh she’s a quiet coach and doesn’t like loud noises), and we go into the new song to “introduce” the coaches, “I Got Me (and that’s all I need)”  This song felt to me like there’s some School of Rock type influence.  It’s very “I can do what I like” independent rock chick.  It’s not a bad song, but it doesn’t serve the purpose of introducing these characters at all, plus the pedantic mind says that these girls are railway coaches - and coaches DO need an engine.  Sorry to break the vibe but coaches aren’t independent - but you can easily argue the case that an engine without coaches is as useless as coaches without an engine.  The song ended quite abruptly to muted applause, but launched straight into a reprise, which was then interrupted by the Freight train.

Freight ran exactly as the 1992 London, with all the banter from the coaches, which was particularly entertaining despite being such very familiar lyrics.  Whether it was due to the small ensemble, or an effort to address the gender imbalance in the show, Hopper 3 was female, and she was having a great time of it.  Sadly no return of the Rockies, the Hip Hoppers are about the only remaining remnant of the contributions made by David Yazbek in 2003.  The only new moment in the number was one of the most jarring changes - Caboose is included, but rather than introduce himself using the “There’s Me” melody (“at the back on every piece of track…”  Being “All alone, you think you’re on your own…”) no, the Red Caboose comes straight in with “Wide Smile, High Style” melody, telling us straight off that he’s in the business of wrecking trains. His characterisation was very much aggressive, nasty and scary!  No pretense at the sweet and helpful Caboose that anyone would trust, this guy is clearly one to avoid.  Caboose made a point about being paid to do his job.

Straight after Freight, we have Control announcing technical problems…  oh boy! A late entry!  These must be his minders! Kilowatt is Electra’s security truck. Wrench is the repair truck, Purse the money truck ordered us to switch your accounts to Electra.  Again money is an active concept in this world.  Joule and Volta followed - male Volta, as with Hopper 3 is this a limitation of the size of ensemble?

Electra appeared in towering red velour heels, fishnet stockings under a conventional masculine ensemble of slacks and jacket.  Liam Tamne has an incredible voice, great range and strength and falsetto! But his characterisation flat for my personal taste for Electra, and also really reminded me of someone else, a character on TV perhaps.  He was very flamboyant and self-indulgent.

AC/DC is interrupted suddenly, as Greaseball appears.  The coaches, who 10 mins earlier were making such a point of not needing no man, especially Dinah getting up in the faces of the Nationals to protect Pearl, undergo a complete 180 on their characters, turning to the regular excited fangirls we’re used to seeing in Pumping Iron.  This felt especially wrong given Dinah’s “Back off girls, he’s mine!” - really?  Is he?  Because you were defending your girls from his flirting just now, and showed no suggestion of a relationship between Dinah and Greaseball other than antagonism.  The earlier scene is massively out of character for Dinah.

Oliver Tompsett rocked Pumping Iron, of course, it’s easy to appreciate why the girls are all fangirling over him.  The two female components stayed to dance, while Electra and his boys left in a huff.  This was one scene where the minimal staging fell flat, as the dance break needs some rock’n’roll partner work, skates or not.  

Coda Freight ran much as expected, the confrontation between Greaseball and Electra was extended by the two of them sharing the lines usually sung by the Nationals, as they mock Rusty’s intent to join the race.  Coda Freight originally did not modulate key - the German production is one where it drops into a lower key which always jars. But this time we get a modulation UP a key, which is different! But not necessary, it’s quite busy enough staying in one key.

Control announces five minutes to race time, and “if you ain’t in twos, you lose”.  This is where we would expect to find Crazy, and indeed we have a reprise of the number where Rusty approaches Pearl, but she rebuffs him with something about “don’t push me around”.  But then their conversation follows the coaches’ melody from “Call me Rusty”, as she explains in no uncertain terms that while she likes him she wants an engine of the future.  Then they are interrupted by Electra’s Bodyguard Kilowatt (shall we just call him K?) who explains Electra’s coach has a “Migraine”. Pearl has her dilemma, and will let Electra know.

Pearl has a new intro to “Make Up My Heart”, written to the “diddlydiddly” pre-race music (also used by Caboose pre-”Wide Smile”), as she discusses how Electra seems fun, then she had an echo of “He Whistled At Me” - which I think was the only occurrence of that/”Engine of Love” melody.  Then that disjointed selection of melodies led into the full “Make Up My Heart” number, as performed on the 1992 London recording.

Control starts the races, with a comment about “I’ll pick your partners for you”.  A new addition for the races which grew very tedious almost immediately, each engine as they’re introduced, sings the “Clear my track, this is my train now, this could be my dream, clear my track” fragment of “No Comeback” that Pearl sings in “Laughing Stock” - each with their own lyrics of course.  But hearing that same fragment four times in a row was repetitive, and annoying given that that melody is meant to specifically refer to Electra.  The concept of melodies referring to specific characters and event - the use of leitmotif - has more or less been lost, apart from a few occasions which shows that while they COULD use the concept, they choose not to!  Race 1 ends up with a Dead Heat between Greaseball and Electra, with only the “No Comeback” melody appearing in the race music.

As the racers clear away, we have a mopey Rusty with the “Call me Rusty” melody on the mouth organ, as he approaches the Freight yard and “Momma” is singing The Blues.  Mica Paris was poorly served by the existing score - while the major solos are within a reasonable alto range, most of Poppa’s recit is well below an alto.  However her character, and the staging for the number was really engaging and fun, and included Caboose mooching in the background.  Caboose has always seemed notable by his absence from this scene of the Freight - I presume the practical reason is that Caboose has just finished racing so to make him immediately be onstage but purely for context would be unkind.  But within the world of the show, why is Caboose not hanging out with the rest of the freight?   Momma’s response after “Let me hear you say Steam!” - the Starlight Express melody - is “When the Night is Darkest” rather than “When Your Goodnights have been Said”, which probably only coincidentally is kinder on her vocal range. But it’s slightly odd in a production that draws so heavily from the previous London productions, to bring in the Broadway variation of the title song.   Control interrupts to inform us of heat 2, Momma decided to race and ends up with Dustin much as is familiar from other productions.  The exact reason was unclear but Brexit meant the British train was missing, allowing Momma to race.  

Race Two again seemed to have Control decide the race partners, and again repeated the “Clear my Track” melody, except Momma introduced herself with the Coaches’ “I got Me” melody which seems to be pretty random for an old Steamer.  It was also incorporated into the race music.  

After Race 2, into Laughing Stock, played much as normal, but with one small 1984 detail restored - Momma points out Rusty “Couldn’t face that losing shame!”  rather than Rusty admitting his own weakness, or the line being omitted altogether.

Starlight Express - the title song closed act 1 with an unexpectedly subtle edit, new lyrics to the “When the Night is Darkest” melody.  I’m not absolutely sure new lyrics were needed for this number, but they’re evocative and very much in keeping with the scene and Rusty’s emotional journey.

(And we have the interval.  Go get a glass of wine.  You’ll need it.)

Act 2 begins with The Rap - entirely a capella, started by Hoppers “Are you Ready?” which updated lyrics. The Coaches come in with something like “Swipe to the left? Swipe to the right?  Who will be my date tonight?” which feels like it’ll date very quickly.  It was a mix between the 1992 Rap in structure, “Gotta be in the frame if you’re gonna win the game, are you ready for the big one, ready!” with quite a lot of the individual lines tweaked.  This meant that we’ve still got all the “Shut it, Dinah!” and some of the classic lines like “losing the race with this floppy disc” and “Boil with the oil or lose with the fuse”.  Performed entirely unaccompanied, with much stomping on the beat, worked really well.

“Pearl Twirl” ran unaltered, giving Dinah a COMPLETE character shift from act 1.  The confident, sassy girl is completely unrecognisable as the heartbroken Dinah singing “Uncoupled”. Fantastic performance from Natalie McQueen, really heart-felt and beautifully sung, but it was distracting how she seemed to be playing a completely different role to earlier.  The staging was even much as normal, with the other two coaches hanging out behind, with varying levels of sympathy and boredom as they sing backing vocals. But without Dinah having established a character of a devoted, in love with Greaseball, the song was very out of place.

Invitation Dinah included some new material, a longer conversation between the girls, with Dinah saying “I can’t manage on my own” - again, this is not the Dinah we saw in act 1.  The line “But if Greaseball changes his mind!” is in there.  Tassita and Belle have very little to do - no Girls Rolling Stock - but whereas in the past the coaches only had “Oh, Dinah!” to express their frustration, this gives them a little dialogue.

Caboose’s scenes in the middle of act 2 almost had me vocalising my frustration!  This scene is one of my biggest problems in the current show AND IT HAS NOT BEEN CHANGED!

First, Caboose tells Greaseball that Rusty is fast, and they plot as in the US Tour with Greaseball’s “Ohh that’s nasty, I like it!”. This conversation also gives us the existing line “Just cos I smile all the time, don’t mean I’m not into crime”.  This is not news, this is not a reveal, and this Caboose has only been smiling in an evil, mean way. There’s been no pretense at Caboose being helpful or sweet, he’s been flat-out nasty from the beginning.

Then we have the Disco-tastic 1984 version of “Wide Smile” which repeated the  “Just cos I smile all the time, don’t mean I’m not into crime” line, and included “Under the smiles, under the fun I’m public enemy number 1” - again, there’s not been any fun or smiles from this Caboose!  Also they use the full 1984 “CB” lyrics including the CB radio references which were cut for the Broadway show in 1987 as too obscure!

Patrick Sullivan’s performance was extraordinary, hitting those falsetto notes, amazing energy and rhythm, a really enjoyable number.  I don’t know if I should read significance into Electra not joining in the backing for the number, but it was only the components.

The problem is though this scene is a MASSIVE plot point.  It should be the moment we learn that Caboose is a cheating back-stabbing bastard, but this has already been established.  Also, there is a logical gap in this number - with Electra well aware of Caboose’s enjoyment of double-crossing, why on earth does Electra then choose Caboose as a race partner for the downhill final?  Especially when surrounded by his components, any of which would be a suitable race partner. The simple solution, which I was hoping this workshop would consider, would be for Electra to be removed from this scene.  Simply continue the song on from Caboose’s conversation with Greaseball, have Greaseball’s gang as the backing dancers rather than Electra’s components. Then, Electra is unaware of Caboose’s scheme, his choice of race partner makes sense.  This would also remove a flabby feeling repeat of the material as different versions have been grafted together.

Race 3 - the Uphill Final - begins with Control announcing Greaseball and Pearl, Electra and Dinah, and Rusty and Caboose.  This race has not had the extra “No Comeback” repetitions, but rather the normal spoken lines from each Engine including Rusty’s “Let’s hear it for Steam!”  

No explanation is given as to how there are only three engines, since Control earlier quoted the 1992 London instructions “There are two heats, two qualifiers from each heat”.  So what happened to the 2nd qualifier from Heat 2?  Why did only Momma come through from that race?

Well, I can tell you why, it’s because Control’s lines are taken from the 1992 London, but the races are taken from the 2003 US Tour with the pre-recorded 3D races.  Because the tour ran with only 4 Nationals including the British train, the races were run on the logic of two heats, and the winner from each would compete in the final, which should have consisted of two engines.  But since Electra and Greaseball tied, they both went through to give us 3 engines in the final.  But this story telling has been overlooked in this workshop.

The race was staged with Caboose literally picking up Rusty to make it clear he wasn’t going anywhere!  The race music also included the inverted race melody, the descending phrase as used in Germany which always jars when used to the London versions.  The Race music did include the “Wide Smile” motif. Rusty was thrown to the floor, injured, as Control shouts “Race Cancelled!  Who did it?  I didn’t do anything!” - again the 1992 London script.  

The 1992 London show was the production which cut Caboose - which is particularly relevant in this part of the show, as without Caboose driving the story, the London show included material to patch over the holes.  This material was then drafted into the UK Tour in 2004, to cover gaps where some of the David Yazbek contributions were removed, I believe.  However the result is that there are two separate scenes which cover the same actions.  

Firstly, the Caboose version is that Caboose has crashed Rusty.  The original London staging in 1984 was one of the weaker points of the show, where a fairly illogical staging required all the racers to make it onto the bridge to be carried to the top level, mid-race.  CB slowed Rusty to the point he missed the connection and the race was then cancelled due, I believe, to the fighting between Greaseball and Electra.  This had Rusty challenge Greaseball with “That CB he never took off the brakes”, which is when Pearl realised that Greaseball and CB were in cahoots.  The original version didn’t have Rusty injured apart from his pride, but gave us CB’s insane “10, 10 never again you’re no engine!”.  CB’s gloating and insane pleasure at the damage he has caused is an essential part of his character arc.  The German staging had Rusty crash and tumble down the bowl to land in a heap centre stage, where Greaseball and Pearl came by, with Pearl saying “I’ll go tell the Marshalls!” then as Greaseball pulls her away, she begins to realise she’s made mistakes.  

Secondly, the No Caboose version, the London 1992 version, has to find another reason for Rusty to be out of the race.  The Uphill final is cancelled by Control when it’s devolved into a fist fight on the bridge, Control didn’t see what happened so Greaseball and Electra jump on the chance to blame Rusty - “Rusty did it, he caused the wreck!”  Greaseball then confesses “Shut it, I did it, he was good, he was fast” - without Caboose in the show, this comes as a surprise.  The Marshalls have been wordlessly clearing everything up, Rusty then comes back to Greaseball with “They (the marshalls) say - “  “what do they say?”  Greaseball then sics his gang on Rusty, to “make sure it won’t happen again”.  The Gang then beat up Rusty (to the melody of “Wide Smile”) in order to bring him to the same, injured and dejected state, as if Caboose had been there.

These two separate scenes have been smashed together since the US Tour in 2003 gave the show major re-writes, and the story being told is flabby and confusing.  If Rusty has been wrecked by Caboose, is already on his knees and his confidence destroyed, why do the gang need to beat him up directly?  Unless the staging includes Marshalls directing the clean-up, who is Rusty talking about with “They say”?  If Caboose is there, then how does the line “You told the Marshalls I drove into you!” make any sense?  

The Workshop gives us the current version of this scene, with the 1992 London version of the show, including Greaseball and gang beating up Rusty.  Then Pearl wanders in, sees Rusty wrecked on the floor, and realises things are going bad “This wasn’t how I wanted it, this wasn’t what I saw” (what had you seen, Pearl?  We no longer have He Whistled At Me to specify her dreams and ambitions)  Flat-top has his sympathetic line “Give it up Rusty, you’ll never beat them”, and Caboose has just left. Then we have a reprise of “Crazy” at a slow, reflective pace, as the badly injured Rusty picks himself up. This reflects back to Rusty’s naive hopeful attitude at the start of the show, contrasting his previous optimism with his sad current state.  Then we hear the “Call Me Rusty” refrain on the mouth organ as standard. This reflects back to Rusty’s naive hopeful attitude at the start of the show, contrasting his previous optimism with his sad current state.  Yes, the concept of Rusty’s confident introductory number being reprised in a slow, sad tone is exactly repeated in this scene.

Where we’d expect Right Place, Right Time, we have the Hoppers wander in and paraphrase the opening lines of the number, without any particular motivation for their presence, but the full number is omitted. This scene feels like it might be a compromise as the work in progress nature of the workshop, where this is a place-holder for a new version of the full number for the Hip Hoppers.  

Rusty, alone and dejected, runs into the Starlight Sequence as normal, reflecting on how he’s “down and out”.   The Starlight Sequence is always magnificent,  but it was slightly soured after Control’s “Stop that Boring music!” comment during the overture, which is of course a preview of this scene. Mica Paris as Momma wasn’t quite comfortable with the vocal range of the song but at some moments opened up sounded glorious.  There were also some slight lyric paraphrases such as “The Starlight Express is no more or less, I’m you, Rusty”, which doesn’t quite make sense, but I suspect was simply the nature of the workshop rather than a deliberate change. George Ure’s performance was stunning and so emotional, he really carried us on Rusty’s journey.

The Rusty and Dustin scene has some new music, using the same melody as Rusty’s monologue prior to the Starlight Sequence, the melody most characterised as the Coaches’ verse in “Call Me Rusty”.  It’s a minor key, the music always suggests concern, worry, lack of confidence, so to use it for this scene felt off.  The standard score uses “Belle’s Song” at this point, as that melody is connected with the Freight and Dustin as well as Belle.

Dinah’s Disco is re-worked to be a reprise of “I Got Me” which works well in this context.  If “I Got Me” were moved from act 1 to replace “Girls’ Rolling Stock”, following “UNCOUPLED”, this reprise would work perfectly.  Electra calls CB to his side with the “AC/DC” melody, the 7/4 time makes the short scene feel a bit awkward, but replacing the “Nobody Can Do It Like a Steam Train” melody makes sense when all references to “He Whistled At Me” have been cut.  Electra and CB bargain for the price of CB’s help.

Control introduces the re-run of the Final Race, on the Downhill course.  Again the score being used is snipped from the 2003 US Tour - the pre-race 4 has two versions, the original staging called for three finalists, the Broadway and later used four finalists.  The beautiful, complex layered music was originally written for the six racers, then altered for eight.  But then the US Tour version cut it back to six, rather than referring to the original score, the two vocal lines are simply left out leaving a gap in the music.  Specifically the 1992 score had Bobo singing “Le jour du gloire est arrivé” (please pardon my french!) with Ashley singing “Gonna be hot, hotter than hot”.  The alternative for that vocal part has Caboose singing “Just for me, I’m in this just for me” (or “Nur fuer Mich” in the German score) - but the workshop uses the Tour version which simply skips this vocal line. Once part that point the complex harmonies were gorgeously performed.  While I love the “Rusty’s gonna race in the Final” moment in this number, it harks back so strongly to the original version of the Rap.  

The Downhill Final was performed with a very witty side-comment from Control about “Sorry about the lights, use your imagination!”  The race music was very much the 1984 original which was gorgeous! Control’s narration tells us the story, including Pearl being disconnected, and Rusty saves her - at which point the Crazy melody was incorporated in the race music, with the ensemble singing “Come on Rusty”.   Immediately on winning, Rusty leaves with “I must find Pearl”, as usual.  

One Rock’n’Roll Too Many was staged almost exactly as usual - in fact all that was missing was the kneepads!  Contextually this was played the same as UK Tour / Germany, not like the 1992 London, which seems a shame.  The only major difference (apart from the presence of Caboose) is that in London, the ensemble stayed onstage and witnessed the massive fall from grace of the major players in the game.  I appreciate that practically, in staging the show, I am sure the ensemble are grateful for a couple of minutes backstage, but the story telling of including them as witnesses is important.  Plus it gives the ensemble characters more time to establish their personalities.  There’s no logical reason all the characters leave before the number, and come back at the end.  Momma was struggling with the vocal range for the “Where’s Rusty gone?” section.

Pearl is introduced with the electric guitar playing the “He Whistled At Me” melody, but since neither version of her song appeared at the start of the show, her reprise that was the introduction to “I Do” has been cut.  Which is super frustrating, because that little reprise was the only good addition with this dreadful song!  

“I Do” is untouched, it’s still abysmal, with clunky, random, meaningless lyrics, poor melodic construction, long and repetitive.  The lyrics scan very poorly to the music (“you think that noboDY would love you”), and the vocal ranges are very hard to sing, it’s fortunate the cast are so strong!  They are genuinely adorable and you’re so happy that they’ve found each other, despite the music.

I have to admit, however, that with the changes to Pearl’s character, that she is given more time to think, the lyrics are not as contradictory as previously.  It feels like Pearl, and to an extent Rusty, have been ret-conned to fit this song!

I am genuinely astonished that this song has been kept, I thought the one thing this workshop would be sure to give us was an improvement on the love song.  It’s such a shame to have lost “Only He” - in any of its many variations - as the love song being a reprise of one half of the Starlight Sequence is an enormously important part of the story telling.  The “Only You” melody speaks of discovery, completion, it’s the answer to the question, where the “Starlight Express” melody is the question.  

Following “I Do”, Rusty and Pearl sing a reprise of “I Got Me”, and the “Well Done Rusty, King of the Track” is now set to the same melody, which is slowed, and jars with the dissonance.  Then the reprise of the “Starlight Express” melody is as you’d expect, into Dinah’s “Greaseball you’re hurt!”  - beautifully performed, and there isn’t the jarring sense of “No, honey, don’t go back to your abusive ex!” - which is possibly more of a negative statement since Dinah’s character is so inconsistent.  Oliver Tompsett does have the most magnificent puppy-eyes pleading expression though, making it hard to resist forgiving his character!

Leading into Light at the end of the Tunnel, Mica Paris was again having difficulty singing the role written for a baritone! I had a moment of cognitive dissonance, given how there had been strong throw-backs to the 1984 version of the show, for the one line that was originally sung by Soul Queen PP Arnold as Belle, “The man who watched the pot and said, hey I got…”  - for one moment being sung by Soul Queen Mica Paris!  The final number bounced along, full of joy and energy as ever, with no changes from the norm.  No megamix, just a play-out from the fantastic band.  

[derangedroyalfae]

Dear family (a “coming out” letter about my transition journey)

Since I could remember, when my child brain could grasp the concept of going to these events for myself, I wanted to wear a tuxedo to my prom and to my wedding. 

It might have started shortly before puberty hit, but I had a huge phase right up until my sophomore or junior year of high school where I detested anything that was girly: ruffles, lace, frills, PINK, reds, skirts, dresses. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate pink, but the other things eventually grew on me when I saw what potential they had. I desperately wanted to wear boy uniforms more than the girl ones when I began private school, but knew I had to settle. 

I remember as a child wanting to play with the boys, I wanted to be their friend and even had a good year and half where I was, but when I lost them to my bully, I thought I could settle for the girls. Something strangely didn’t click when I saw things from a different perspective. We could confide in each other because our parts were physically the same, but I had a hard time seeing eye-to-eye. I suppose the same could be said about boys as well. 

I never knew there were words for it or even a possibility outside of cartoons and anime, but my own stories began to fill up with diverse characters in regards to sexuality and gender long before I had a grasp of my own. “This character can be either gender, sometimes they’re both.” “This character doesn’t have a gender.” Don’t get me started on when I began to create characters representing different aspects of myself and how diverse those people were whilst still baring resemblance to me. 

I never knew. I was too young to slap on a label or knew labels existed and pertained to me. I never knew I had a lot of thoughts that most “little girls” actually didn’t have, especially in private and in my dreams. And whilst I’ll be the first to say: “clothes know no gender,” I can admit that I never knew what they could do to help me feel more like myself in regards to such a topic. I knew I had a hard time feeling content in the role I was playing, but never knew how to say it or if I should. There has ALWAYS been a dual aspect to me, I’ve always loved dual aspects: black and white, angel and demon, half and half, sweet and sour, hyper and mature, sweet and headstrong, masculine and feminine, etc and so-on. 

One day, somewhere around early to midway 2015, during my freshman year of college, I turned to research on the topic of gender. I hadn’t been meaning to look for myself, it was purely for my books and curiosity, but I dare say, lines had began to form around dots. At this point and time, I was well aware and accepting to the idea of transgender people, but hadn’t truly suspected that I could fall under such a category. But then I saw that there was more than the binary of male and female, be you trans or cis. Non-binary. Genderqueer. Genderfluid. Agender (though I knew about this one in high school). There was a whole realm of possibilities, and I felt myself, for once, belonging. I didn’t know anyone else who was one of these, but I clearly wasn’t alone in this identity or it wouldn’t exist. I didn’t instantly slap that patch on, however, and I certainly wasn’t sure about going public with it right away. But I had at least one person I confided in, and they, in turn, confided in me about their own gender dysphoria. If you haven’t figured it out, I am talking about my dear friend, Jewel. I also did tell at least one of my sisters and another member of the family. 

Jewel and I, on the other hand, did go into great detail with each other when we talked about what we could possibly want from physical transitioning. It wasn’t enough to just slap on a label and dress the part. No. That was not just for me, it’d be for everyone else to see the spectacle. The aspects and changes I wanted to do to my body, those were undoubtedly for me. No one else would see or be affected by them, save for my future partner. I immediately said that my uterus had to go. Hysterectomy has been a tab on my phone since my freshman year along side a penile implant. I looked up the different ways it could be done, and if I did indeed want to have bottom surgery, I knew what my options were. I don’t hate being female, I don’t even dislike being female, but it was never about that. It’s not like that. I just never felt like I truly was one and that I could never be happy tying to fit in that role. 

Before the semester was up, I freely and openly identified as gender fluid and was fairly certain where I wanted to go from there. It was time for a test run. I even changed my gender and pronouns on Facebook and other social media (and they’ve remained constant these past five years). I would wear and buy men’s clothes more frequently (as no one would buy them for me and now I was capable of doing it myself) and even would bind my chest and pack a sock where a penis ought to be. I would take snippets of my hair and turn it into facial hair, applying it on with spirit gum and trying to look as accurately as I could. I even came up with a masculine name in the next semester. But it had to be perfect and constructed like ~Maiden~ was. I wanted to still keep my middle name, so I had to be a male Fae. ~Names~ my list consisted of Irish boy names translating over to lord or king. Eventually I realized how perfect ~Li'l King~ was and I owned my place as the “Little King of the Fairies.” How perfect. I was short for a girl and now even shorter of a boy, so little king I was. Since we were living in the North County, most people were generally pretty accepting and chill about it all, especially my peers and classmates. But I never knew how to come out to my family. I reminded myself this was a test run, so perhaps I didn’t really need to say until things got serious. I was worried of being looked down upon and being seen as trying to be trendy or complicated. I wasn’t trying to be special or different, I was just trying to be me. I didn’t know how to explain what I was going through and how I felt, so I felt silence was better. I didn’t know if the older generation would get it, especially when I hear them talk about it on the radio of how they see us. How easy it’s always been to come out about my sexuality, but my gender? Now that was mortifying for seem reason. 

Five years passed, and I never felt wrong or wavering about my identity. I felt more sure of it by the day. I did the research off and on and talked to those who had been doing much better with their lives once they started transition and could finally be themselves both physically and mentally. 

So come August 2018, I decided I was ready to start hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I was tired of applying a beard, I wanted to grow one. I was tired of forcing down my voice and accidentally squeaking to my normal range, I wanted a drop. I was tired of constantly having people look at my face and see me as a female when I clearly wasn’t dressed like one or wanted to be seen as one. When I read that T (testosterone) could negatively affect my cholesterol, I got back on vitamins and tried to maintain it once again. On September 13, 2018 I made an appointment with my primary care, ready to tell her the news. I was told by my fellow trans friends that all they did was go to their primary, tell them they were ready for HRT, got handed a consent form, got their labs done, and voila! I fasted and took a 3hr bus ride from one city to another, paid my $30 copay, brought with me HRT consent forms, and poured out my feelings to this doctor, thinking she was the one person who could help me here. What a joke. “There’s nothing in your files stating you’ve felt this way.” Well, yes, but that’s because I wanted to stop being depressed before I went and did something “drastic.” I’ve waited five years, surely this can’t be seen as an impulse. “Go talk to your psychiatrist.” That’s it? I paid $30, took public transport for 3hrs for a car trip that was less than half an hour, starved myself this morning FOR THAT? I was actually so incredibly crushed. She pretty much told me that she didn’t know what she was doing so I was on my own defenses. She was willing to sign off on referrals, but it would be my responsibility to send them her way. ALRIGHT. Fine. I can do that. 

That same day, I made my psychiatry appointment (though my psychiatrist was on maternity leave so it would be my substitute) and messaged my doctor: 

“I have made an appointment with my psychiatrist for this Monday and been looking into the Endocrinologist with Sutter Health and my insurance in general. I've also been looking at my options for what kind of medical testosterone I'd prefer using, such as AndroGel or Androderm. I just thought I would update you on that and will have my psychiatrist send you any and all possible information as soon as possible regarding this. 

I also wanted to make sure that you were aware that at the moment I am only interested in the hormone part of sex reassignment and not anything to do with any surgical procedures. I am only looking into Hormone Replacement Therapy and have been for at least five years now. 

Thank you for your time toady, I hope to talk to you or an Endocrinologist about this in the near future.”

In case you didn’t know, you ONLY need to talk to a psychiatrist in regards to surgery, not hormones. 

Looking back on the rest of my journey, it feels like a joke that I honestly thought I could trust her to help me. I went to the psychiatrist as I was instructed, and when she took me into her office and noticed the book I was reading “Trans Minds Trans Bodies” she immediately recognized it and told me what a good book it was - there was a glimmer of hope. She asked me the standard questions you’re supposed to when diagnosing someone with gender dysphoria, and of course, o get the label. She felt as though her hands were just a bit tied, as she was not my actual psychiatrist, but she was determined to help me. She looked up the closest hospitals and facilities (all in the North County, go figure) that could help me and wrote down lists of contacts. Immediately she grabbed consent forms for sharing my information and told me that I could contact her for further help. 

I sent this new info to my doctor, hoping she’d follow through with making those referrals as she said she would. I found an endocrinologist at the hospital ma was committed to (you all remember that place, right?) that specialized in HRT who was the closest to us. It was part of Sutter Health so I immediately jumped at the chance to make an appointment with her. How was I to get there aside train, however? Hummingbird and Kitty has my back, both of them putting in a request for the day off. My appointment was made for a Friday on the 30th of November. I told myself this was my fallback, however. I discovered that a North county university offered video and phone appointments, so I wouldn’t even need to go there. I could still get my labs done here and they could send me the prescription. They even took our insurance. All I needed was my primary to refer me. 

But she wasn’t the one contacting me anyone. Every time I tried to message her, it was an office staff who responded, saying that my “request was received, and requires review” from her. I even called my insurance to see if anything was happening in regards to the referrals being sent in. “You need to contact you medical group.” Alright??? So then this baloney of back-and-forth tug-o-war with our insurance and medical group began. “Submit your request to this number” but somehow was the same number I had given them. I was completely out of it for what the hell was going on half the time. It was loops and circles and mazes. Why was it so hard for specifically me?

I even made an appointment with my actual psychiatrist when she came back from maternity leave and asked if she could give me the prescription. She said that she sadly couldn’t, but would do whatever it took to help. She gave me a consent form for sharing information and her business card to give to the endocrinologist. I gave the information for the hospital and the specialist and we went from there. 

I eventually let go the frustration of the North county university, I at least had my November appointment. Well, a week before it was supposed to be, they called me up to push it back another week, so December 7 was the new day. Fortunately, Hummingbird and Kitty could still make it. However, the day or two before, the medical group called and told me “insurance isn’t going to cover this since it’s not the same medical group.” What? But Sutter Health??? “Your Sutter G, this is Sutter E. I’m sorry, you’ll have to pay $150.” FINE. It was a small price to pay to be myself. Whatever it took, is take it. 

It felt a shame that the three of us make our way to the North County for just one little appointment that wouldn’t even be half an hour, so I made plans to meet up with my old friends, Jewel and Usdi, and let them meet my two newer partners.

On Thanksgiving, I came out to any friends and classmates that I want to be officially known as ~Li'l King~ (in fact, I had began introducing myself that way to strangers). I’ve also comes to terms that I want to legally change my name to ~Maiden~-~Li'l King~ Shea Rodenborn, but want to go by ~Li'l King~. Time for a double life. I love ~Maiden~ and the Maiden of the Fairies too much to let go of it, it’s a part of my identity. But I truly have come to a point where I hate being called ~Maiden~ and it actually makes me feel depressed. Even being called aunt is tearing at me. Every time I refer to myself as ~Maiden~, aunt, she, her, miss, I feel my skin crawl. I just have such a huge disconnect and it tugs at my heartstrings in a painful way. I know, it’s hard to get it and can easily be seen as something that was planted in my head, but how can it be when it feels so sincere?

And so, the week after thanksgiving, I went to spend the night at the girls’ place on Thursday so we could leave as soon as possible Friday morning. We made our way out and I was more than beyond ready once again. I knew this doctor wouldn’t try to slight me, but I was nervous since almost everything had been on my own. Whenever chaos hit, I was alone and the only witness. I didn’t want that again. So as a precaution, I asked my girlfriends to sit in with me at the appointment. This endocrinologist gave me the olive branch I was so desperately seeking out. She didn’t have any issues with prescribing me HRT, especially after going through the procedure of diagnosing me with gender dysphoria again. She informed me on everything that could happen with getting on testosterone, the risks, the procedures, the symptoms, but it was all stiff I knew at that point in time. I told her I wanted to try androderm first and my second choice was androgel, since I wasn’t found of the idea of having to put a shot in my butt once a week (the butt part wasn’t what bothered me, it was having to get shots). “I’ll have to see you again in three months.” But I don’t think I can afford to come back if I have to pay $150 again (I hopefully would have my license in March). I began to meekly tell her of the storm I had faced with insurance and my medical group, even if how I called up my insurance the day before to find out one specific insurance and the other weren’t the same thing. “But I’m honestly the closest specialist to you, they HAVE to cover it.” Tell them that. They saw I was looking for an endocrinologist. They don’t have a section for specialist in transgender hormone replacement therapy. She saw the pain and frustration in my eyes, just how beyond done I was, and said that she’d take care of contacting my insurance for me. She sent me on my way and requested for me to do a blood test, which I got done the next day in a nearby city. 

I had checked my medication list and androderm was officially on it. I hadn’t remember the last time I felt so elated. Maybe a well later, I received a letter from the insurance saying that they’re denying Androderm because I should try Androgel first. My endocrinologist was immediately on top of this and let me know that she would send in the request for Androgel. So on December 14th the pharmacy called me to let me know it was ready, and on the 15th picked up my first bottle/pump of liquid testosterone. On December 16th (which can now be known as my Transiversary), I slabbed on my first dosage of andorgel.

Spring 2019 semester, I submitted a form to have my name changed with the school so I appear as ~Li'l King~ to the teachers and faculty. 

I’m still me. I’m less upset about being me, but I’m still me. This isn’t a bad thing, and it was never to hurt anyone. I always hide my “he/him” pronoun badge whenever I see you guys because I didn’t want to confuse you. I know it was secretive and behind people’s back, but it’s because I know how much of a pushover I am. I know how easily I cave in and feel guilty over the most trivial of things. I didn’t know how anyone would react, and I didn’t know if anyone would try to stop me. Tell me it isn’t something I should focus on. And so, it felt less like betrayal if I just didn’t tell you guys as opposed to telling you guys, you guys saying not to do it, and then me doing it anyway. But it really shouldn’t even be in the same playing field with such thoughts. How can something that’s not truly harmful to my physical well being but salvation to my mental well being be seen as betrayal to anyone else. I guess, I was scared of betraying myself too. Though, if we’re being honest, at the end of the day I also didn’t want to be bombarded with questions. I was hoping I could just tell you and you’d accept, no more to be said. 

I know I’m the youngest, I’m often seen as immature and uneducated, and maybe you’re all right in seeing me that way. But I want you all to know: THIS WAS NOT AN IMPULSE. This wasn’t something I did to be “hip” and be down with the times. No one else could have convinced me to do this. I’ve never met a transgendered person who would wish this upon anyone and try to convince someone they’re trans. I WOULDN’T WISH THIS ON ANYONE. I wouldn’t wish being queer of sexuality or gender on anyone because it’s harder than you think. There’s nothing fun or trendy about this. It’s not cute or happy fun times. I am honestly living my life in fear of being hurt for being myself, especially since I live in East County instead of the North County. But I’ve come to terms that I’d rather die being myself than have to live a messy lie where I wouldn’t feel like I was even alive, so I’d rather die. I’d try to change, I’d try to be like everyone else: but it doesn’t work that way. Please understand, that I this isn’t what you hear about on the radio. This is real and true and ME. 

[transbutts]

I'm tearing myself apart. One moment I'm confident I'm nb and want to start T in the future and the next I think Im some cis girl trying to fit into a label where I don't belong just to feel special.I was fine with being a girl as a kid and it's only been within the past 2-3 years that Ive thought about my gender or transitioning and my dysphoria(if you can call it that)is so mild compared to others.I dont know if my feelings are real or if I'm manipulating myself into believing I might be trans

I want you to know that this is normal. It’s normal to question this stuff over and over and to not really feel set. That’s sort of what nb is for some... very fluid, ever-changing. Maybe that’s the nb category you fall into? Don’t worry about how you felt as a kid. That’s not really any indication of your adult self. You were less aware of gender as a concept when you were a child. But now gender is everywhere. The best advice I can give you is to take it slow and get out of your own head. You’re forcing yourself to make an immediate decision, and getting frustrated that you can’t. Cut yourself some slack. This is a hard transition for everyone, no matter what the end result is. It sounds like you just need time and experience to feel more comfortable in whatever identity you choose to stick with (and remember, it doesn’t have to ever be a permanent decision). You can still express your femininity if you go on T, too. I’m really leaning towards T right now mostly because I want to be seen as masculine, even when I wear dresses. You’ll figure it out better eventually. For now, just make note of your feelings and trust yourself to make a good decision about this when the time is right.*Wren

[kapitan5o]

Tbh scientificaly there are only two genders and only two sex. Sex = penis or vagina. and in the rare case that you're intersex, that doesn't mean you're a third sex or gender. It means you're internal reproductive organs differ from your external reproductive organs. By calling yourself gender fluid, non-binary, other kin, gender fuck, agender, greygender you're dimeaning actual trans ecperiences people face in regards to gender dysphoria and bullying. It's disrispectful and invalid. pt 1

(it’s a trilogy, guys, i am going to add the other two messages here:

the fact that 14 year olds on tumblr invented thenew genders rles than a decade ago shows how invalid this argument is. Gender isn’t a social construct. Expectations of gender is. To put it simble stuff like boys like blue girl like pink girls wear dresses and skirts boys wear pants and shits and shit like that. THATS  a fucking social construcing. I feel so sorry for all the tom boys are tom girl that you’re comfusing. They might think they’re not one of the made up genders just beacuse pt 2            they differ from their gender rolls. Also don’t you think it’s a bit of a coinscedince that these genders have NO bases. You guys don’t medialy transition you’re not diagnosed with gender dysphoria, all the made up genders are based on the existing 2 genders if not then they’re either based on not having a gender at all or being both (girl boy/ male female). I cba doing this because it’s so obviouse. just please face reality because its getting so annoy to listen to you about first world problem  pt 3

Okay so *cough* a word from the second world country over here *cough*

As far as I understand you have a problem with the idea that there are more than two options out there to “fit into”? And I get that, I do - growing up in a society that tells you constantly that you can only ever choose between two opposite options can take away from the flexibility of the mind to think for itself. That is why it is a good idea to educate yourself by reading about gender studies by sociologists and sexologists and not self-proclaimed scientists on the internet. So let’s get back to the idea that gender and how we as humans express it is a social construct and why it is in no way invalidating anyone’s self expression but on the contrary giving people the freedom to be whoever they want to be.

The gender role theory, considered by Alsop, Fitzsimons and Lennon (2002) is an early form of social constructionism. Social constructionism, briefly, is the concept that there are many things that people “know” or take to be “reality” that are at least partially, if not completely, socially situated. For example, Harvard psychologist Steven Pinker writes that “some categories really are social constructions: they exist only because people tacitly agree to act as if they exist.”

Gender, according to West and Zimmerman, is not a personal trait; it is "an emergent feature of social situations: both as an outcome of and a rationale for various social arrangements, and as a means of legitimating one of the most fundamental divisions of society.”

Doing gender according to west and Zimmerman “is to advance a new trap house understanding of gender as a routine accomplishment embedded in every day interaction”. Essentially, West and Zimmerman argued that gender is something that humans created. As humans, we have categorized and defined many aspects of life. If someone was not in favor of their gender role or did something that was not deemed “correct” for that gender this person would be committing an act of social deviance.

And I assure you Alsop, Fitzsimons and Lennon were not 14 when they were writing “Theorizing Gender” and neither were West and Zimmerman when they published “Doing Gender” in 1987but still I do not get your ageism towards the young. How are the opinions of 14 year old people any less valid than those of older people?

Anyway, let’s get back to our “gender rolls”.

From someone who took a gender studies course: “It’s less that they’re saying, "society completely invented gender” and more “gender exists only on a social level, therefore it is mutable.” In other words, instinct is biological, but instinct can be ignored/overwritten. To me, I’ve always seen postmodernism as being about how there ARE NO incontrovertible truths, even if we want to believe people fit into these neat little categories, they don’t, because THOSE CATEGORIES are constructs. The traits by which we categorize may be biological, but the categories themselves are not.”

In other words, gender is a performance; it’s what you do at particular times, rather than a universal who you are. Judith Butler argues that we all put on a gender performance, whether traditional or not, and so it is not a question of whether to do a gender performance, but what form that performance will take. By choosing to be different about it, we might work to change gender norms and the binary understanding of masculinity and femininity. This idea of identity as free-floating, as not connected to an ‘essence’, but instead a performance, is one of the key ideas in queer theory. Additionally, these categories are culturally constructed since they are fluid. What it means to be a “man” and “woman” have changed in the last 50 years alone. There is no denying gender roles changed and thus accept that these are things that societies construct. While sex is pre-determined, even though that can change, gender changes.

So yes, things change. Remember, for example, how homosexuality was considered a mental illness until 1973? And how homosexual people had to fight to prove they were just as “normal” as heterosexuals? Also how even before that some sexologists started studying sexuality properly and then we accepted the Kinsey scale and the idea that sexuality was in fact a spectrum? And then we ended up adding a couple of new letters to the LG making it LGBTQA+ plus all the non-binary categories? You know why? Because people are ever-changing creatures, we learn, we discover new things about ourselves and we want to be heard and accepted.

And hey, here we are again 44 years later and you’re telling me I should stop trying to explore my identity and just stick to what’s “normal” and okay. Because it annoys you.So in the end the only person who is demeaning other people’s experiences and identities by making them seem invalid is you.

[decolonizingmyfeels]

Machismo is girly af

We assign gender to things without regard to their genitalia, or lack thereof, every day - cars, animals, hurricanes, gadgets, presidents. It is not at all a new phenomenon that gender be used to represent concepts not seen only in our sexy bits. The yin and yang, astrology, the tarot, the latin languages, etc. all recognize two genders outside just the representative shapes of human bodies. They instead find also an abstract flexibility of personality traits that exist outside the realm of who or what embodies them.

Yet we hold ourselves as human beings to a double standard of fixed gender that the 'nonliving' get to avoid - outside of ourselves, gender might not just be believed, but allowed, to change over time. A river, for example, when calm and still, has long represented strong feminine qualities: subtle, passive, receptive, nurturing. But as soon as rains come and the river becomes white water, then its masculine qualities have been revealed: fast, undulating, destructive, penetrating.

We could argue that human genitalia may serve as fairly literal parallels for or translations of these qualities, penises being penetrative and vaginas receptive. It could perhaps even be true that there are in fact correlations between genitalia and personality that exist even outside of those socially constructed. But even if these correlations do in fact exist, we need only take a closer look at the individual realities of those around us to remember that not all bodies, if any, fit perfectly into these generalizations. We can acknowledge that it may not be so difficult to see the roots of our stereotypes, and perhaps even empathize with ourselves as a culture for having entrenched ourselves in damaging overgeneralizations. To continue our attachments, however, to the literal sources of these paradigms is to perpetuate violence upon those whose violations of our expectations frighten us. It prevents us from seeing the fluidity of gender as we would in the river, much like a mythology whose lessons are no longer understood simply because the imagery conveying them is anachronistic. When gender is not allowed fluidity we suppress our ability to connect with and represent the different traits of each within ourselves as suits our situation, or to recognize that it is still overly simplistic to deem any specific quality as having sourced from only one side of the gender spectrum in the first place. Fluidity itself, for example, would traditionally be considered a feminine trait: watery, soft, flexible, adaptable. But our ability to be fluid, in the context of modern culture especially, requires a faith in our personal right to change as we please and not need to hold ourselves at the mercy of those who expect us to be a certain way. And that kind of unapologetic and inflexible self trust, the kind that carves space for itself and its own needs before anyone else’s, is what would most often be labelled a masculine trait. So many times in my life I’ve become stagnant rotting water trying too hard to remain a feminine calm, not believing I had the right to be angry and tumultuous as a femme. So ironically, I denied my own feminine fluidity trying so hard to be feminine.

Similarly, we might consider the process of upholding what is considered respectable masculinity: stubborn territorialism and inflexibility, a lack of emotional expression, loud strength and the drive to penetrate and conquer. We know that, at least sometimes, to convey masculinity is a conscious choice, an act or show with which to prove one’s worthiness of respect or attraction. Yet this inclination to alter ourselves for acceptance, to be receptive to and nurture the gender expectations demanded of us as children, and the ability to adapt ourselves to fit into societal molds shaped by other people - are traditionally blatantly feminine qualities. So it stands that, to uphold social imagery of masculinity to these extremes, is in fact an extremely feminine thing to do. It lacks the unapologetic and disruptive qualities of pushing back against our environment and questioning its right to tell us what to do.

But this is not to say this kind of flexible 'softness' is in any way an inherently bad thing. It marks our ability to not senselessly attack others when we disagree with them. It allows us friendship, empathy, and subsequently stronger relationships within our community, and these relationships, ironically, earn us the respect and trust necessary to make us leaders and social symbols of strength.

I myself am prone to cravings for labels and categories, especially for my own identity. It is disconcerting to feel like you don’t know who you are, where you fit, or even how to introduce yourself; and labels, however overly simplistic, are an alluring place to find comfort in, even if temporarily. They are shelters under which we can hide to feel safe in our own bodies, in control of who we are and who we’ll be. They help us write our own obituary before we’ve even died, so we can revel in the comfort of feeling we know how we’ll be remembered. But the names stay the same even while we keep changing, whether we want to or not, and eventually the titles don’t seem to fit anymore. What was once masculine is now feminine, the words that were once an insult may now be a source of pride, and the organized structures that once helped us understand our world no longer make sense. But never before now have we had such a strong and global conversation about the frustrations of a restricting and rigid gender binary, which makes us ripe for a time of letting go, letting the ice blocks melt, and splashing in the puddled mess left behind. In order to do this, we have also to let go of our need to 'know' ourselves and where we fit. Language that could be merely a helpful tool with which to express ourselves has become instead a tool to erase the nuances of our experience so as to make us permanent and therefore predictable and safe. We have every right to claim our identity, to be acknowledged for who we are, and be loud about what that means to us. But we might also take care to prevent the concept of identity from being not just the expression of our experience but that which we frame our experience within and therefore oppress even ourselves with, whether conscious or not.

[titoslondon-blog]

New Post has been published on Titos London

#Blog New Post has been published on http://www.titoslondon.in/is-indian-fashion-industry-ready-for-men-in-androgynous-modelling/

Is Indian fashion industry ready for men in androgynous modelling?

Lemuel Huffman, Kean Rui Alvares, Amit Bitto Dey — men in androgynous modelling in India. (Source: TheBlackPearl Photography/Facebook; Kean Rui Alvares/Alok Johri, Amit Bittoo Dey/Rahul Saha) Related News

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Anushka Sharma’s tomboy avatar or floral number — which do you like better?

Alia Bhatt keeps it lacey and simple under denims for Jitesh Pillai’s birthday bash

Growing up, Kean Rui Alvares was always fascinated with make-up. “I used to love watching my mother dress up and remember longing to have my own dress rehearsals, unlike most boys of my age,” says Alvares. Now 26, he is a professional make-up artist and model. Like him, there are many men, who like to dress up, can strike the most beautiful poses, whose high cheekbones can steal more than a glance and who have begun slowly, yet steadily, stirring up a change in the Indian fashion industry.

But is the industry here ready to have more androgynous men walk the ramp? Are those experimenting with gender-fluidity feeling accepted? Women have been wearing pants – on the runway as well as off it – for decades now, but what of men in skirts?

The Indian fashion industry is not alien to male androgynous modelling. Wendell Rodricks, veteran fashion designer is known for the softer silhouettes he dresses up his male models in. Designer Arjun Saluja opened his show at the 2012 Wills Lifestyle India Fashion Week in Delhi with a male model wearing a pleated skirt with men’s shirt. The likes of Rohit Bal, Tarun Tahilani and JJ Valaya are known for floral motifs they embellish on their men’s collection, embroidered shawls, etc.

While men attempting to wear pleated skirts or flowy shirts with floral prints on the runway might seem unusual for many, Rodricks insists the concept has its roots deep in Indian history and culture. “If I wear a lungi, an earring and a necklace of pearls, it is not unusual to Indian aesthetics. We have Maharajahs who have worn more jewels than Maharanis, yogis with more drapes than devdasis. This proves that the topic of androgynous dressing is not alien to the East,” he told indianexpress.com.

Wendell Rodricks, Express Archive; LFW Summer Resort 2016

Come to think about it, even the traditional Garba attire for men — ghagras, angarakhas, achkans, churidars are unisex sartorial choices.

SEXUALITY AND ANDROGYNOUS FASHION

Addressing one of the common misconceptions, Alvares asserts that being an androgynous model doesn’t necessarily have to mean that the person is homosexual. “Society tends to perceive visually. I am a man who celebrates both Yin and Yang — my masculinity and femininity.” So when he chooses to dress up and wear make-up, it is a fashion choice and should not be necessarily construed as a projection of his sexuality. He believes society has made rigid categories and gender is one such. “Because of assigned gender roles, men are expected to be tough and women demure,” he said.

(Source: Kean Rui Alvares/Alok Johri Photography) (Source: Kean Rui Alvares/Alok Johri Photography)

Kolkata-based fashion photographer and model Amit Bittoo Dey is excited about his debut in London Fashion Week in September. Even before the 25-year-old started off as a model two years ago, he was experimenting with androgynous fashion, and was no stranger to cynicism and stereotyping; which continued even on his entry into the industry. “Which is why, almost every brand continues to choose only conventional men or women models as their faces,” he explains.

(Source: Amit Bittoo Dey/Arideepto Ghosh)

But, Dey says, his ‘brand of modelling’ has come to be more accepted now. “If compliments could pay bills, I would have been considered a millionaire! So there is hope,” he adds. Chennai-based Lemuel Huffman, a self-proclaimed drag queen, has a similar story. Though he is yet to find complete acceptance, he believes there has been a change for the better. “Compared to when I started, people are much more open now. Not a lot of people still want it, they’d rather have a girl modelling for them,” Huffman says.

Like Alvares, Huffman agrees that androgyny has got little to do with one’s sexuality. “It’s about art. And art shouldn’t conform to categories, including gender.” And it is definitely different from cross-dressing, which “is one’s personal preference of dressing. It is satisfying a fundamental personal quest. Androgyny is about celebrating both the sexes — it’s different,” he says.

(Source: Amit Bittoo Dey/Aniruddha Sen)

UNDERSTANDING ANDROGYNY

Ganesh Toasty, a fashion and beauty photographer from Chennai, says that “90 per cent of the industry” doesn’t understand androgyny. “They only know them as lesbians, gays and transgender persons,” he explains, stating how there are less male Bharatanatyam dancers now because of the femininity rendered by the mudras and bhavas (expressions) of the dance form. “Even if they are heterosexual, they are ridiculed and called gays. Now parents don’t even send their boys to learn dance,” he says. Toasty equates this with how men who experiment with gender-fluid fashion are often seen as.

In 2016, he created a beautiful segment called ‘Sui Generis’ (Latin for ‘one of a kind’) when he tried breaking the ceiling of conventional beauty. He chose Huffman as his muse for the shoot, and the result was beautiful.

(Source: Ganesh Toasty/ Facebook, TheBlackPearlPhotography/Facebook)

Toasty believes that though the industry is gradually broadening its mind, clients continue to be conservative. “Many still want conventional faces,” he says. Far from being an insipid experiment, the photographer insists that androgynous modelling is rather just “comfortable fashion”. As a fashion photographer, he feels it is important to admire beauty in all its manifestations. And with “Lem” (Lemuel), “it was love at first sight” for Toasty.

(Source: TheBlackPearlPhotography/Facebook)

Huffman broke conventions with his winged-eye make-up and sultry marsala hued-pout in Toasty’s Sui Generis. Now that there is more awareness about LGBTQI, a lot more people of the community have come out and are inspiring others to make similar fearless choices, he says. In one of Toasty’s shots, the 26-year-old is posing with faux fur twirled over his body, bronze hair styled into a side puff, looking dreamily yet fiercely into the camera – almost like an embodiment of the fearlessness he is talking about. Modelling for about four years now, Huffman prefers being a photographer’s model than walking the ramp.

(Source: TheBlackPearlPhotography/Facebook)

IS GLOBAL ACCEPTANCE ACTUALLY MORE THAN IN INDIA?

While Rodricks says the concept of androgyny is new to the West, Toasty and Dey are of the opinion that unlike closer home, there are more androgynous models in the international fashion scene because the industry is more receptive.

However Michael Tintiuc, from the European country of Moldova who began modelling in 2007, says ‘androgynous fashion’ is one of the fake trends “that was created by the fashion industry some five-six years ago”. “After it, came a new trend, in which shaved-headed model guys with a face that is not disfigured by intellect, wore sports-wear and sandals with socks. Now those, who mimicked androgyny, changed into sports-wear and shaved their heads clean,” he told indianexpress.com. Having ventured into modelling at 18, Tintiuc wasn’t initially successful. “The look of a tall, skinny, long-haired skater in tight pants was not in demand and looked quite different in comparison to the big, muscular men who were successful in the Russian fashion modelling scene then,” he says.

(Source: Michael Tintiuc)

Yet, Tintiuc agrees that this is a niche look and most times doesn’t fit the requirements of the labels and brands looking for a “standard look”. Now 28, Tintiuc, whose look was once described as “edgy and rock ‘n’ roll”, has been a part of many runway shows in New York, Paris, Milan, London and Tokyo for various labels like Z Zegna, Ann Demeulemeester, John Varvatos to name a few and featured in magazines such as Vogue Italia, Grazia, GQ, etc.

(Source: Michael Tintiuc)

Internationally, Miles McMillan, RuPaul Andre Charles, Andreja Pejìc, Erika Kinder, etc., have carved themselves a place in androgynous fashion. Closer home, a few like Alvares, Huffman and Dey are still paving the way for others.

(Source: File Photo)

India has a history of men wearing jewellery and floral, flowy silhouettes and even now have them lining their eyes with surma. Yet, is it too sensitive about changes that could challenge its masculinity? Or can an eccentric Ranveer Singh in a kilt, eyes kohled and holding a boombox purse save the day?

For all the latest Lifestyle News, download Indian Express App

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Visual Vernacular: Gisela Colon

Gisela Colon, “Atmospheres” at McClain Gallery. Images courtesy of the gallery

  An otherworldly exploration of color, form, light, and surface all vibrantly resonate in the latest exhibition at McClain Gallery. The dimensionality, the layering, and the quiet beauty combined by artist Gisela Colon all speak to her vast understanding of the balance of the masculine and the feminine through her impressive sculptural work. As one moves around the pieces, each tuned to a different vibration in colors and feel, one can see the subtle changes within the blow-molded acrylic that show forth both a luminous glow and thoughtful mystery.

These pods, which both hang on the wall and stand by themselves within the light-filled gallery, draw you in to look at the work from all angles but at a slow, purposeful movement. At the rate you traverse around Colon’s work, you truly are led by the hand, the heart, and the mind while pondering the effects these pieces have in a physical and conceptual form. Colon graciously answered questions about her background, her work and her creative process.

  Free Press Houston: Do you have any particular memories from your youth that pushed you into the direction of art?

Gisela Colon: I had quite a few moments in the early years of my childhood — from around the age of 4 to 10 — that were seminal to the realization that art was something special and transcendental. My mother was a painter and I spent a lot of time working hands-on as her young assistant. We spend many long hours creating oil paintings of quotidian subjects my mother would lay out for us, such as sugarcane fields, tropical flowers, maracas, guiros, clay pots, ceramics, bohios, rolling green country landscapes, the rainforest, and numerous other natural subjects indigenous to Puerto Rico. We would frequently use as a source of study and inspiration master painters such as Van Gogh, Renoir, Rembrandt, Matisse, Monet, Gaugin, Picasso, Miro, Calder, etcetera. As a young child I was taken by the colors of Gaugin, the movement of Van Gogh, the light of Renoir, the humanity of Rembrandt, the poetry of Miro, the intensity of Picasso, and many more feelings of wonder, as we studied how all these were different and how we could make our own worlds with paint. I learned that knowledge to create comes from within, that what they all had in common was their own language, their own unique way of seeing the world, and I could see the world my way, too. I learned the power of being an autodidact, which to this day has positively permeated my whole life.

I was particularly mesmerized by how the colors in many of Gaugin’s paintings did not match the reality of what the eye might see, but rather what the mind might see, or choose to see from a variety of options. There was a painting of two women sitting in a field with flowers in their hair and vividly colored dresses, on a grassy meadow with a backdrop of purple-blue mountains and trees. The painting is titled “When will you marry,” 1892. I remember thinking, “why are the mountains painted purple and blue,” when I knew mountains were not really purple or blue, but they looked fantastic in these hues of purple-blue to convey to the mind of the viewer a feeling that the mountains were of significance because they were of such an unusual color.

The purple conveyed a feeling of monumentality, of physical presence beyond the earth. The choice of the color purple made a big difference. It made them special, unusual and almost other-worldly. Then I focused on the grassy meadows, and I noticed that they were all painted wild colors of oranges, bright yellows, and even a large section of an indigo blue. They looked so radically different to me than what I knew to be real grass colors, which then led me to ask, “why would he choose those colors?” And then in my young child’s mind I thought to myself, “because they look real to him, the painter.” I realized they looked real to the mind of Gaugin and they were drawn from an extrapolation of reality. In addition, they were converted into the artist’s reality, which is then conveyed to the viewer as an alternate reality, that is just as good and perhaps in some instances even better than the actual reality that exists before you.

That was the turning point for me, the realization at the age of about 5, that magic could be made. That an artist could possess that special ability to change the world, one person at a time, one perceptual experience at a time, one moment of connecting to another human mind through time. And this connection would be a deeper connection that might not be expressed in words, but in feelings. Color, material, space, light, everything that an artist uses can be twisted, turned, altered, changed, morphed, to convey a feeling, an idea of an alternate reality, an alternative reality that people might not possess individually, but can be communicated as an artist outward. I realized that an artist had the power to alter reality and the alteration of reality could become a meaningful thing.

    FPH: How did you come to love working with light and sculpture in a minimalist fashion?

Colon: Minimalism is a misnomer because the term is used broadly to imply that the art is devoid of elements or pared down. However, most minimal art is quite complex and possesses numerous qualities that act together to provide an experience of purity. Minimalism provides an antidote to turmoil, noise, information overload. The key point for me is to invoke an experience of simplicity, silence, calmness, clarity of thought, complex thought, principled thought. Each individual ultimately lives in his own mind. Art is for the individual. That moment when the individual can reckon with his own thoughts, and have a moment of awareness and clarity onto itself. I strive to create objects that invoke some form of rational order, alignment, balance, aesthetic beauty, activating a person’s inner discourse.

I got to where I am today by making objects I want to live with, by making art for my own inner self. Throughout this pathway of discovery, the function of light became more important. Light, actually, is the most essential aspect of any work of art. Light is material, matter, and substance and it makes everything real. Without light we would not be here. It is that elemental. To be able to see something requires light. We take it for granted. We assume light is a given. Light is an essential primeval element that surrounds us all and makes life what it is: Light in its most basic form is the provider of existence. Light through the eyes tickles the brain and provides quasi-tactile functions and sensory pathways that are activated, creating the feeling of being alive. Light is an essential part of my work as it works synergistically with the other sculptural materials to generate a feeling of life-like qualities in the work.

  FPH: Seeing that you have heavy influences from both Puerto Rico and California, how have you merged different design aspects from both worlds?

Colon: Both worlds embrace dynamic energies that can be channeled to effectuate growth and transformation. Puerto Rico provides the original spark, a vital, visceral source of energy. Southern California has an ethos of freedom and creativity; with hard work and perseverance, it is the perfect place to pursue your dreams —anything is possible and everything is achievable. Los Angeles has a long history of being a land of opportunity and freedom of expression from the pre-columbian days of the Cahullia Indians, through the early days of pioneers in the Wild West, to the golden era of Hollywood, this bountiful land has allowed people from all over the world to settle here and become part of the significant and growing creative milieu. I merge both sources of energy, applying a philosophy of transformation to my life and my art, conceptualizing and creating sculptures with chameleon-like qualities, exemplifying the female power of creation and embodying the spirit of renewal and re-invention that is part of the history of Southern California life.

    FPH: Pondering on the title Atmospheres, how does this show encompass some of the pillars of your work and what new techniques did you use for this exhibition?

Colon: The word atmospheres comes from the Greek word vapor, and is generally defined as layers of gases surrounding a spherical celestial body. It denotes something soft pervading into its surrounding space. My work in this show embodies some of those subtle, ephemeral qualities that cause the works to radiate into space. The sculptures contain multiple layers of materials that absorb, reflect, and refract light outwards into the surrounding space, creating an extended atmospheric feel. Also through a unique pigmentation process I developed, they posses the ability to shift color depending on the external lighting conditions, the position of the viewer, the time of day, the orientation of the work, etcetera. They are active mutable objects in symbiotic relationship with their environments, which brings the concept of movement into play.

The concrete aspects of my work are actually not concrete at all. There is no place to rest the eye — the pieces continue in an unabated line of discovery — fluid movement, active change, variability of color, mutability of form, resulting in an experiential object — a present tense object that is always moving into the future. The sculptures are free-form, constantly moving yet still possess an outer vessel that is self-contained. There is a juxtaposition of push and pull, of dematerializing the object and re-materializing the color, light, and form into an autonomous activated object. There is a feeling that nothing is stable, there is no stasis, always in constant movement to the eye. They create a dialogue of permanence vs. impermanence. The work seeks resonance with the human condition, which is one of constant change and movement in different directions; always moving into the future into an ever-evolving self, into a changing identity, into something new; seeking authenticity throughout time.

  FPH: Seeing that there is a heavy fabrication side to your pieces, how involved are you in the process and what is that process like for you as an artist?

Colon: My studio is a repurposed plastics factory where I have an inordinate amount of fun! I am personally very involved in the fabrication process, and really enjoy the technical and engineering aspects of the job. I work hand-in-hand with my studio assistants and other aerospace industry fabricators, approving every minute detail every step of the way. When I’m working there, getting down and dirty, is when I feel most alive, vibrant and dynamic. It is extremely liberating, and I experience creative freedom at its best, when I am in the throes of the industrial aspects of making the works.

    FPH: In our culture, the perception of beauty seems to constantly be in flux. How do you as an artist extract a concept of beautiful, especially in the use of color, and how do you hope this translates to a viewer?

Colon: I approach the concept of beauty from a visceral, almost biological, place. I think aesthetics and the appreciation of beauty is something inherent in our genetic make up. We have a capacity biologically to crave beauty, to appreciate beauty, to want to be surrounded by an environment that possesses beauty. But again what is aesthetic beauty? In my experience, there has to be some form of order, not necessarily a rational order, but a sequence, progression, formula of organizing the world around you, which yields balance, colors, forms, a conglomeration of aspects that come together to produce some form of harmony, something that the human eye can see and the entire body can sense and recognize as as a sublime feeling. We find beauty in nature because of its inherent, sometimes invisible order, but it is always ordered. There is always some underlying predetermined order that formulates how things are created, grown, and made in nature.

There is always a code of life that rules everything organic on the planet. That underlying order possesses an inherent beauty, an aesthetic capability of pleasing the eye. Or maybe it is that we just recognize as humans something that is part and parcel of our own formulation, a genetic code that is inside each of our cells that forms our body that allows us to be able to appreciate and recognize the orderly formulation of life. And by orderly it does not necessarily mean symmetrical. You can have orderly asymmetries that also create meaningful aesthetic language. For example, when you look at all of the leaves on a tree changing color in the fall, the fantastic burst of colors blend together such as poppy orange, tomato red, sunset yellows mixed with lemon yellows, and they’re all asymmetrically clustered in a cloud of texture, forming an amorphous form that flutters in the wind with such breathtaking aesthetic pleasure, that you find yourself being alive in the moment, and that’s where the real game is.

Even non-organic life on the planet possesses some form of organized beauty. For example, when you’re hiking in the stark desert of California, with its monumental jagged-edge mountains and huge clustered boulders, you feel the power of the space you are in, recognizing you are in some gigantic cratered form created by the power of earth. That form has such beauty in its stream of creation, the force that was required to create it and the magnitude of the explosion that required its creation, makes it breathtakingly beautiful. Then you look at all of the scattered boulders, rocks, and pebbles, although they appear randomly placed, the laws of physics created them, and generated their placement.

The laws of physics positioned them in their spot and those laws of physics possess order and an underlying rationale for where every little piece of earth crust, rock, sand, ash and dust was laid. Inorganic nature operating at its best. Therein lies aesthetic pleasure, in the marvel of the energy that this planet possesses at its core. The planet has life inside it, whether organic or inorganic. We live on this floating, moving ball of earth that is traveling through the stars, and has a life force that rules everything on this planet. We are part of that greater life force that wants us to seek aesthetic pleasure, to pursue beauty, balance and order, and if we are lucky we can tap into that life force for a feeling of the sublime.

  FPH: What upcoming projects do you have coming up?

Colon: Lots of things. In terms of exhibitions, there are solo presentations of my work coming up at the San Angelo Museum of Fine Arts, San Angelo, Texas (December 15, 2017 – February 4, 2018); South Dakota Art Museum, Brookings, South Dakota (March – July 2018); Daum Museum of Contemporary Art, Sedalia, Missouri (September – December 2018); Hilliard Art Museum, Lafayette, Louisiana (January – August 2019); Foosaner Art Museum, Melbourne, Florida (September 2019 – January 2020). My work is also featured in a thematic exhibition titled: Plastic Entanglements: Ecology, Aesthetics, Materials, opening at the Palmer Museum of Art, Pennsylvania (February 2018 – June 2018), traveling to Jordan Schnitzer Museum of Art (September 22–December 30, 2018), Smith College Museum of Art (February 8–July 28, 2019), and Chazen Museum of Art (September 13, 2019–January 5, 2020).

  Gisela Colon’s exhibition “Atmospheres” runs through June 17, 2017 at McClain Gallery (2242 Richmond). Hours are Tuesday through Friday from 10 am to 5 pm and Saturday from 12 pm to 5 pm.

Visual Vernacular: Gisela Colon this is a repost