#right like the initial comedy of it is that it’s such an absurd thought. but.

[sonic-adventure-3]

“either sonic is a god or could kill god, and i do not CARE if there is a difference” hits a lot different after getting into sonic fr

[itsclydebitches]

I need more time to put my thoughts in order about tonight's episode, but my initial reaction is that I'm surprised by others' disappointment? I mean, I'm actually not that surprised because coming out stories are intensely personal with viewers all looking for/needing vastly different things from their media, but it just feels like a lot of what (I thought) Ted Lasso was trying to do has gotten lost under specific expectations.

Ted goes off on a long, ridiculous, borderline disgusting story at the worst possible moment? Yes, that's the point. For all my fun TedTrent theories, Ted is (currently) serving the role of the well-meaning, but often ignorant straight man. His function is to both provide the insight and warmth that he's known for - "Actually it does matter to us" - while simultaneously showing how this intensely heteronormative culture would react to a player coming out. AKA messily. If we got a perfect scenario where everyone was accepting and said exactly the right thing, that would undermine the problems the show is trying to acknowledge in the first place. The focus on Isaac's complicated anger and Ted's foot-in-mouth syndrome is just as important to this whole scenario as the club's overall acceptance and the fact that Ted immediately realizes that he fucked up: "I regret that." Ted Lasso is a feel-good comedy, so it's all couched in over-the-top humor, but I thought that was an important acknowledgement: your allies - straight or not, out or not - are likely going to react in cringe-worthy, imperfect ways and the important takeaway there is not that they're irredeemable people who don't love you, but that they're trying and you should gently correct them (as Colin does) and allow them to grow (as Ted does). Despite being an absurd fiction, Ted Lasso is working to write about this in a semi-realistic sense. Instead of a Perfect Coming Out Moment that makes all the queer fans (myself included!) squeal at how ~wonderful~ our beloved cast is for being oh so perfect, we get that realistic awkwardness, misplaced anger, and regret.

We cut away from Colin coming out? Yes, because he's already come out to us. I understand why fans would be disappointed in that, but I don't think it's fair to characterize the show as not allowing Colin to come out at all. That was the entirety of "Sunflowers." Rather than trying to fit Colin's big moment into a locker room halftime, the writers crafted a whole episode where he could grapple with that fear of being outed, be reassured, have a heart-to-heart with Trent, sit together on the monument, go out later in celebration... Ted Lasso made space for all that and, understandably to my mind, didn't want to rehash many of those same beats three episodes later, especially not when we need time to work through the intersection of Colin's story with everyone else. (Because despite this being a queer story-line about a queer man, the show is about the team. Colin's conflict was always going to expand into the rest of the cast.) No, we don't get to see Colin come out specifically to the others, but we did see him come out - both narratively by kissing a man and to Trent - and we see the team's reaction immediately after the fact. Making space for Issac didn't feel like it was cheating Colin to me, or focusing too much on the straight characters, because Colin's story has been a season in the making (plus some details earlier on). To say nothing of the fact that his hesitance about coming out is specifically because he fears the team's reaction... so why wouldn't we grapple with Isaac's negative reaction? We already know Colin's worries, we know what he wants, we see him seeking advice from Trent, we see him reaching out to Issac, we see that failing, and after all that his queer story-line is functionally at a stand-still until something else gives. Issac's explosion is what finally tips the scales.

Idk I don't think I'm explaining this very well because it's late and I only just watched, but I'm of the opinion that Ted Lasso did a lot of work in previous episodes so that they'd have space in this episode to do different work, which is smart. From a narrative perspective, Ted doesn't need to be the perfect ally because Colin already has a supportive queer mentor. "La Locker Room Aux Folles" doesn't need to try to balance Colin's emotional coming out with Isaac's internalized homophobia because "Sunflowers" already gave the audience so, so much, allowing the writers to both keep things on screen for our benefit and then later cut away for the sake of time. As said, stories like these are always going to be a hit-or-miss depending on what each individual fan wants and needs, but I think it's worth keeping in mind that Colin's story is not this single episode; it's all of them combined. Has Ted Lasso really not treated his journey respectfully... or did it just not try to check every queer story-line box in a single episode?

[valle-de-sombra-de-muerte]

Homestuck Reread: Act 1

I'm gonna strap in and do a Homestuck reread. I first read the comic when I was 17, and now I'm gonna be 31 in a month. During that time, my opinions on it have varied heavily, so let's see if I can properly collate my thoughts about this comic that has dominated a good chunk of my life.

I actually did give it a reread back in 2021, but I never wrote down any notes about it. Time to correct that mistake.

Right away we're introduced to John Egbert, a character that I've also held differing opinions about during my time in the fandom. I've gone from thinking he's boring, to one of the strongest characters in the story, and back to boring again several times. I hope I can get a more coherent grasp on our ostensible protagonist.

Well, I think it's noteworthy that his introduction page doesn't mention pranks or comedy as one of his interests. Being a goofy prankster is one of his defining character traits, yet the closest thing to that is this mention that he aspires to be a magician.

John's "magic chest" is full of novelty items, so it's easy to see why this dream of being a magician was supplanted with a love of pranks so early on. Hussie conflates close-up magic with practical jokes, and while superficially similar, they're definitely not the same thing.

I think John's "passion for really terrible movies" is the one consistent trait he carries throughout the comic. (And yeah, Mac and Me, Con Air, and Deep Impact all suck shit. John really does have atrocious taste). I don't believe we see any further references to programming, paranormal stuff, magic, or games after this act. Both this and the love of pranks are what solidify John's enduring characteristic of being a light-hearted cornball.

The beauty of user-suggested commands leads to this funny juxtaposition. This also establishes early on that John is easily suggestible; even an absurd command like this is able to tempt him just a tiny bit. This trait (for better or for worse) is one I'd argue is also a key part of John's character, as we'll see later on.

A joke like this was only really possible during these initial months of Obama's presidency. It's funny how it retroactively dates this comic.

John (and I suppose the rest of the kids as well) only has three friends added on his chat client. That's depressing. I wasn't a very sociable kid myself at his age, but I definitely had more than three friends on MSN back in the day. All of whom I met online.

Dave is introduced in the very first pesterlog and already we can see that John is a very annoying person to talk to. Even though he opens the conversation by bringing up Little Monsters, he feels the need to name drop the movie a second time just in case Dave didn't get the reference the first time (which he obviously did, given his response). He's very eager to talk about his special interests, I guess.

This is the first time Rose (TT) is mentioned. Very interesting that the first thing we learn about her is that she apparently has been "mackin on" Dave and asking him to play Sburb with her. Even though Dave is likely embellishing for comedic effect, it tells us that they have a very close relationship, given that he's the first person she asks to play the game with. Also DaveRose Nation has been eating since Page 35 lol.

In the same pesterlog, we get this line where Dave mentions how impractical the strife specibus is, since people obviously aren't regularly engaging in combat. These video game mechanics that seemingly everyone abides by have no practical function in their everyday lives. Clearly world building was not Hussie's first priority when writing this comic.

Correct, John. It really doesn't matter what the characters select as their strife specibus, since combat becomes increasingly irrelevant going forward. Ironically prescient comment.

The GameBro article is hilarious. I love you Dennis, you huge useless tool. Did you know that Dennis from GameBro has his own tag on AO3? I encourage everyone to go read the handful of stories on there because they're all super good.

John has the audacity to call his dad a cornball for liking harlequins, all while he's standing there wearing Groucho Marx glasses and a wizard hat. It's telling of his lack of self-awareness and disdain for other forms of humor that don't align with his own (i.e. lowbrow) tastes.

Here Hussie take a Shakespeare quote and misattributes it to Mark Twain. It's kind of a whatever joke, not really that funny. But then he does it again.

And then again!

Is this gag really that funny that it warrants being done three times in the same act? I think it's fucking lame.

Rose's first pesterlog. From the context here, it seems she and Dave had an off-screen conversation where he told her about John's gift. Her incessant flirting with Dave is also so well known in their friend group that John feels the need to bring it up right away. Jeez DaveRosers can't stop winning.

Note that Rose says "John" here while in the earlier log, Dave refers to Rose as "TT". John also calls her "TT" in a later log. As we later find out, all the kids already know each other's names. The only reason they refer to each other by their screen names is because their intro pages had yet to be released and the audience doesn't know their names yet. I get it, but it does read a little silly in-universe.

Awesome advert. God bless you, GameBro Magazine. BROBLERONE

This page is funny if only because I doubt the majority of Homestuck readers realize that the last paragraph is basically describing a lazy black man. How many of them will read "tawny gent" and "listless octoroon" and think they're just nonsense words?

"Caret Cake" hah okay that's a good one.

Wouldn't it have been crazy if John's missing chunk of hair remained that way until he got a command to fix it or something? But I guess that would've been too much effort for Hussie.

After a bunch of sylladex shenanigans (which I haven't mentioned because I don't find them very amusing. They make up a huge chunk of this act too, which is annoying.) John has finally installed the Sburb Beta. We're not told anything about this game except what is told in the spotty GameBro review, which describes it as some kind of game similar to The Sims where you "play house." And yes, it does resemble The Sims build mode, but this video game affects real life! Rose sets about manipulating objects in John's room and even alters the dimensions of his own house.

John's reaction is... well...

He's not at all fazed that Rose is manipulating reality before his eyes? Are all video games in Homestuck's world like this? I mean, if every character has an inventory system with built-in combat mechanics, it might make sense? This is never properly conveyed though, and it comes across as rather off-putting.

I think this is where the flaws in John's character become really apparent. He's very... underwhelming. He's almost always in this weird neutral state and rarely expresses any strong emotions. When he's frustrated, it's more of a mild annoyance or a temporary freakout before springing back to this basic... I don't even want to call it a "positive outlook" it really does feel like he's in this perpetually neutral state of mind until an external stimulus forces him to act. No thoughts are going on in this boy's head.

Hell, even when he's excited about something, it's only sort of temporary before he moves on to the next thing. He comes across as very emotionally stunted and it's hard to connect with him.

Is there a reason Rose is fucking around with the bathtub? It's not in response to a command, she just does it. She doesn't explain what she was trying to do with it, and only apologizes for dropping it in the middle of the hall since she was intending to move it to the driveway before her connection was interrupted. (The driveway bit was actually a command, but initially clicking on the tub wasn't.)

This insanely out of pocket quote has to be a top 10 Rose moment for sure. John's uncomfortable reaction seals this exchange.

Here's where John calls Rose "TT" as I mentioned earlier. Also, no Dave, you did not tell him to steer clear of the game. In fact, you were the one who suggested he play it with Rose. So why are you acting all weird and telling him to avoid her altogether? My guy, are you jealous or something?

Planet Fucking Jupiter is a top 10 Dave moment for sure.

We get to properly meet Rose. The fact that she hides stuff from the reader and doesn't fully obey some commands tells us that she's definitely not as suggestible as John. It's also funny how she refuses to use her arms at all in response to "Retrieve arms," instead using her legs to hide the box.

Man what's up with this Sims-ass architecture? An outdoor walkway with no railing? And with the weather outside, it's a wonder she didn't slip and fall to her death.

The first "End of Act Flash" is okay. John is faced with the final seconds of the countdown while a suspenseful track by Mark Hadley plays in the background. It's okay, I don't have anything else to say about it.

Overall Act 1 is kinda dull. I know there are people who swear by it, who claim that this is "peak Homestuck," but it's not for me. There are funny moments to be sure, but I can only put up with sylladex shenanigans for so long before things go stale. The biggest issue is that John is not at all an engaging protagonist. He has no agency and feels more like a prop for both Rose and the reader to boss around.

I think this Act suffers from Hussie trying to re-implement the same kind of adventure game format and jokes he used in Problem Sleuth, but it doesn't really work in Homestuck. The characters in Homestuck have actual dialogue and are supposed to be more fleshed out, unlike the comparatively flat characters that comprise the roster of PS.

Don't get me wrong, I adore PS and I don't think the lack of character depth is a detriment. Rather, it helps to put more emphasis on the overarching plot and wacky puzzle solving. It's established that Problem Sleuth is "hard-boiled detective", Ace Dick is "dumb muscle", and Pickle Inspector is "meek and fragile" and the reader doesn't expect them to act outside of their tropes. They truly feel like video game characters that the reader is supposed to control, using their different strengths to progress through the story.

John's problem is that he is ostensibly supposed to read like a 13 year old boy with hobbies and aspirations, but his suggestible nature makes him read more like a robot that blindly follows orders. Homestuck Act 1 wants to have both the wacky adventure game story and more fleshed out characters, but the end result isn't nearly as impressive. Either commit to making another PS-style story where the characters are vessels for the reader's control, or a plot where the characters have actual agency. Taking half-measures like this only creates bad results.

Hoo man this reread is getting off on the wrong foot. Hopefully the next Act is able to salvage things!

Read the next post here.

[7grandmel]

Todays rip: 05/08/2023

Pikmin Park

Season 1 Featured on: GilvaSunner's Highest Quality Video Game Rips: Volume 3 & Knigra

Ripped by TitaniumRopeWars

I think its important to remember sometimes that the main point of SiIvaGunner is to make people smile. To be clear, that's not me saying that the channel is restricted from doing anything other than enjoyable, humorous content, or that the channel hasn't been immensely successful in making the audience feel sad or afraid. What I'm moreso saying is that rips are under no obligation to sound good so long as they're funny.

There's a lot of early-SiIva stank to Pikmin Park, that makes it pretty unsubtle and raw-sounding when listening to it as an actual mashup. These are two songs that weren't made to go together at all, and there's not much done to smooth that over here. However, what it subjectively lacks in listenability, it makes up for in sheer surprise comedy. Pikmin Park is one of my go-to rips to show people new to SiIvaGunner because the joke is so evident and such a gutpunch - take a song as beautifully quiet and calm as Ai No Uta, and add Linkin Park to it! It works just about every time and has brought smiles to so many people I've shown it to.

Funny enough, the more you listen to the rip, the more it starts to coalesce in your mind: The initial juxtaposition of the two tracks is funny enough, but the lyrics of Crawling start to feel more and more appropriate to what you actually do in Pikmin...that kind of reserved anger and frustration to the backing of pleasant nature sounds is kind of what games like Pikmin 2 feel to play, right? Its fascinating, how such an absurd blend of two themes can somehow invoke so many different thoughts, althewhile being consistently funny.

[corky-the-gluttony-demon]

DMC: An Absurd Comedy - Haunted by Dreams Arc (Chapter 0)

Just wanted to post this random snippet from my Fanfiction (I've decided not to post the entire thing because its very self-indulgent) because I thought it was funny.

Mission Prep to Snowfield and Discarded Devil Breakers

Characters: Nero, Nico, Felix (OC), Corky (OC), Marcus (OC)

Timeframe: Seven months after the events of DMC5

Location: Devil May Cry shop, Red Grave City

Context: In my fanfiction Morrison passes the deed to the shop to Nero, and while he initially turned it down at first, circumstances pushes him to take over the devil-hunting business.

5:12pm

Tools were clinking followed by a muttered curse. Nico was beneath the van, swapping out the tires for ones with chains, her face set in concentration as she tightened the last bolt. Nearby, Nero was busy with the engine, wiping his hands on a rag after finishing with the oil change and antifreeze.

Before setting out on their first big mission together to Snowfield (well big since Felix and Corky joined them), the first thing they wanted to make sure was that Nico’s baby was up for the winter conditions. “I sent Corky and Marcus to get some emergency supplies; blankets, food, water, perhaps a portable generator, extra fuel-“

“What do we need all that for?” Nero asked. “We’re only going to be in Snowfield for a day. Morrison even told us to make sure we don’t stick around til night time.”

Nico slid out from under the van, raising her hands in mock surrender. “Hey, I’m just saying, ‘just in case.’ You never know what kinda bullshit this place might throw at us. Not that I’m planning on anything going wrong, but… The battery in good condition?”

“Checked it twice. It’ll hold,” Nero replied, glancing over at Felix, who was leaning against the side of the van, holding a set of headlights with an expression that said he’d rather be anywhere else.

“You know, I ain’t no mechanic,” Felix grumbled, rolling the lights in his hands like he might crush them out of sheer irritation. “I’m more into breaking things than fixing them.”

Nero didn’t bother to hide his smirk. “Then maybe you should’ve stuck to what you’re good at instead of whining. Those lights aren’t gonna install themselves.”

Felix shot Nero a dark look, his eyes narrowing. “You wanna say that again, pretty boy? Or are you just looking to catch these hands?”

Nero straightened, the tension between them crackling like static. “I’m saying maybe you should stop bitching and do your part. Or are you too hungover to handle it?”

Felix took a step forward, but before things could escalate, the door to the garage swung open, and Corky strolled in, Marcus trailing behind her with a few bags slung over his shoulder. She was practically beaming, excitement radiating off her like heat from a fire.

“Look what I got!” Corky announced, holding up two ice scrapers with a grin that said she was way too proud of herself. “Got ‘em for a steal! And before you ask, yes, I haggled.”

Nico’s annoyance at the boys faded into amusement as she eyed the scrapers. “Damn, Corky, you’re really on top of things. Speaking of which, I was supposed to go shopping for some cold-weather gear, but…”

Corky waved a hand, cutting her off. “Already handled. I hooked everybody up.” She hesitated, then added with a sheepish grin, “Well, okay, I had to call Blessing for some help because, let’s face it, fashion isn’t exactly my forte. But don’t worry, I made sure to get what we need for the climate. And I’m pretty sure I got everyone’s sizes right.”

Nico’s eyes lit up with genuine excitement. “No way. Lemme see!” She practically darted toward the bags, rummaging through them until she found a bundle of clothes. She held up a thick, fur-lined jacket, a gleam of approval in her eyes. “Damn, this is nice. You really did good, Corky.”

Corky shrugged, trying to play it off, but there was a hint of pride in her voice. “What can I say? I aim to please.”

As Nico ran off to try on the clothes, Corky led Marcus into the van as Nero and Felix continued to bicker outside. “So what’s their beef?” Marcus asked. He was still getting used to everyone here since his arrival. Though he will be holding down the shop while they are gone, Corky has quickly begun to get used to him.

“I dunno, honestly. They seemed fine when we first started working together, but I think its just your typical ‘mine’s bigger than yours’. No wonder Dante only ever worked with women.”

“Speaking of, you think we’ll eventually work with them?”

“Maybe. I’ve worked with Lady for a while. But without Dante they seem more interested in doing their own thing. Which is a bummer, we could use more kick-ass girls.”

They can hear the back end of Nero’s comment about Felix’s cheap thrills and hangovers, “I should probably go out there before they kill each other before we even go on this mission,” Corky groaned.

“Say that again, Felix. I dare you,” Nero snarled as he and Felix were face to face.

“Now kiss!” Corky said with a clap. That was enough for both men to back off with looks of annoyance.

Nico stepped out, dressed head to toe in the gear Corky had picked out. A thick, fur-lined jacket hugged her frame, paired with insulated pants and boots that looked like they could stomp out a snowstorm. She spread her arms out, grinning. “What do y’all think?”

Marcus’s eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store. “Damn, Nico, you’re looking hotter than hell in that getup. You sure you’re not gonna melt all that snow just by walking through it?”

Nico rolled her eyes, though she couldn’t hide the smirk tugging at her lips. “In that case we don’t even need to heat generators, since I can keep the van warm with how smokin’ sexy I am!”

Nero scoffed, “Hey, Nico, which breaker you think would be a best fit for a job like this?”

Nico sauntered over, her eyes bright with the thrill of getting to show off her latest work. “Funny you should ask, because I’ve got something new for you to try out. Took me a while to get around to it, what with all the chaos after Limbo City and, you know, getting shot.”

“You were shot?!” Marcus gasped, having not been present for it.

“Yeah! And it sucked!”

“Because of the pain?”

“Nah! Well, that sucked too. But because I couldn’t do shit while in a sling. I had all these ideas building up with some of the material I was able to bring back from Limbo City. Quality stuff. This was the first work of art, my comeback, if you will. Feast your eyes on the Gloom Claw.”

Nero’s brow furrowed as he took in the sight of the new Devil Breaker. The Gloom Claw was unlike anything he’d seen before. It had a sleek, dark appearance, as if the metal itself was alive, shifting and writhing. The surface was semi-translucent, an oily black that seemed to ripple. The fingers of the claw were spiky, and could extend or retract at will, the tips razor-sharp.

Nico held it out to him, her grin wide. “This bad boy is made from those creepy-ass Stygians you guys kept running into. It’s got a more organic feel compared to your other Breakers, and it’s sharp as hell. Perfect for tearing through whatever nastiness we come across.”

As Nero tested the Gloom Claw, the dark material shifting seamlessly with his movements, Corky’s was putting away some of the supplies she bought when saw the box by Nico’s workbench, cluttered with various Devil Breakers. Her curiosity piqued, she began rifling through the box filled with older models and what looked like prototypes.

“Hey, what’s the deal with these?” she called out, holding up one that looked particularly odd—like something out of a sci-fi movie, with its bright blue, almost toy-like appearance out the window of the van where the others were gathered outside still.

Nico glanced over, her expression turning a bit sheepish. “Oh, those? Some of ‘em never made the cut. Either Nero couldn’t find a use for ‘em, or they just didn’t pack the punch I was aiming for. A few are duds, no doubt.”

Marcus suddenly froze as his eyes locked onto the same blue device Corky was holding. His face lit up like a kid on Christmas morning. “No way! This reminds me of this game I used to play all the time when I was a kid. He’d fight evil by changing his arm into all kinds of weapons. Man, I loved that little fella!”

Nico grinned. “You talking about Mega Man? Hell yeah, that’s the Mega Buster right there. Still my favorite game today, hands down. This bad boy launches charged blasts of light—solar goddamned bullets from a distance. It’ll punch a hole in steel, crush boulders, and send demons running for their mommies.”

Marcus practically swooned, turning the Mega Buster over in his hands like it was a sacred relic. “Man, this thing’s a work of art. I’m in love.”

Felix, leaning against the van and watching the scene unfold with a raised eyebrow, couldn’t help but snort. “You’re telling me Nero’s been sitting on that and never used it? Could’ve been a game-changer on half the gigs we’ve had.”

Nero scoffed, glancing up from the Gloom Claw. “Yeah, and look like a cartoon character? I ain’t trying to look silly.”

Felix wasn’t having it. “Too late.”

Nero’s expression hardened. “I don’t need flashy. I need reliable. That thing’s all show—more gimmick than substance. Sure, it packs a punch, but it’s not the kind of precision I need in a fight. I don’t need a toy when I’m dealing with real threats.”

“Okay, don’t be calling it a toy, alright?” Nico said in defense, “I worked really hard on each of these breakers.”

Corky’s gaze drifted back to the box of discarded Devil Breakers. Something caught her eye—there was a faint, almost imperceptible pulsing coming from within. Her curiosity piqued, she dug around until she pulled out a sleek, white arm with a gentle, almost soothing glow emanating from it.

Is that a…?

Corky couldn’t help herself; a giggle bubbled up as she held the device up for the others to see. “What the hell is this?”

Nico glanced over, and the mischievous grin that spread across her face was a dead giveaway. Nero, meanwhile, was already rolling his eyes, his face flushing a shade of red that made him look like he wanted to disappear into the floor. Seeing him blush made Corky’s smile grow bigger.

“That,” Nico began with a teasing lilt in her voice, “is Sweet Surrender. I originally designed it with Kyrie in mind so Nero here could help relieve some of her tension. You know, since he’s all brute force and might accidentally hurt her.”

Corky’s eyes widened in surprise, but the laughter from Marcus and Felix was immediate, like little schoolboys. “Oh~ Felix cackled, practically doubled over. Marcus was nearly wheezing. “You need a little help there, bro?”

Nero quickly stepped forward and snatched the Devil Breaker out of Corky’s hand, his face a mix of embarrassment and annoyance. “Knock it off, alright? I haven’t used it.”

Corky, ever blunt, tilted her head. “Seems like a waste, though. Could’ve done some good with it.”

 Felix snickered, “Should’ve taken it with you to Fortuna, Nero. Who knows, maybe Kyrie would’ve been more inclined to take you back.”

Nero shot Felix a glare that could have melted steel, but it only fueled Felix’s amusement. Before Nero could retaliate, Corky, still genuinely curious, asked, “So, what does it do, for real?”

Nico, still grinning like the cat that got the cream, explained, “Well, it’s got some pretty advanced healing properties. Helps soothe muscles, relieves tension…”

“Relieves tension?” Corky repeated.

“Is that what we’re calling it now?” Felix muttered under his breath, eliciting another round of snickers from Marcus.

Corky, ever the pragmatist, continued, “Seriously, Nero, you never thought to use it to help Kyrie? With her…tension? In her muscles…?”

Nero sighed, clearly exasperated. “I wasn’t sure if she’d be comfortable with it. I mean, I tried it on myself to see how it worked.”

There was a beat of silence, and then the entire room erupted into laughter. Even Nico had cover her face against the side of the van. Marcus was nearly in tears, and Felix just shook his head in disbelief, the smirk never leaving his face.

“Oh my god, can you guys get your heads out of the gutter for five minutes?” Nero snapped, his patience wearing thin. “It’s for massaging!”

 “Massaging what?!” Corky blurted out which sent the group into another fit of uncontrollable laughter.

Nero could feel the heat rising in his face again, but there was no winning this one. He just sighed heavily, resigned to the fact that this was never going to be lived down. They had a mission to prepare for, but right now, it felt like the biggest battle was just getting his team to focus on something other than his embarrassing past decisions.

“Alright, enough screwing around,” Nero finally barked, trying to regain some semblance of control. “We’ve got work to do.”

But even as the laughter subsided and the group returned to their tasks, the smirks and side glances told Nero this moment wasn’t going to be forgotten anytime soon.

[pigeonpedigree]

Day 1: Drag Me to Hell

Directed by Sam Raimi of spiderman fame

Genre: listed as supernatural/ horror, i’d place it somewhere in the horror comedy family

Warnings: extensive use of g*psy slur and offensive stereotypes throughout whole movie, animal death, child death, gross bug imagery, a lot of vomiting, other racial stereotypes

Ok so not a strong start to this month of movies. Im pretty sure this movie is well liked and well reviewed and while i think i can see why, this is super not for me. Just for a quick, spoiler-free run down, Drag Me to Hell is about Christine Brown, a super nice and charming and smart and good with money and loves animals and use to be fat and now is super pretty woman, who denies a very creepy old woman a 3rd extension on her loan when she kinda could’ve given it to her if she wanted to. In response the very creepy old woman decides an appropriate punishment is to curse her, presumably in some way in which her soul is dragged to hell given the name of the movie.

From here on out there may be spoilers, although i’ll try to stay fairly non-specific.

This movie is fairly clearly not meant to be taken super seriously. It is well aware of the tropes and plays into them heavily and a lot of the jumpscares and action are over the top in a comedic sort of way. However the comedy is all sort of situational, absurd things happen and the characters take it all at face value, a good example being the initial premise. We have Christine, who is established as nice and not entirely unjustified in her actions, who when confronted with someone who is as creepy as she is pitiful decides to not go out of her way to help and is disproportionately punished.  And that disproportionate punishment is not only unquestioned, but thought of as justified by the characters in the movie, most notably by Christine herself. If you can understand that the absurdity of the situation is intentional and intended to be bordering on comical, then the tone of the movie is a great mix between the comedy aspects and the horror. If you are at all a pedantic person, this may not be for you. No, things don’t make sense, you just have to accept it as a part of the story and move on.

The pacing, tropes, and story all are exactly what you’d expect from these sorts of movies, which tracks with the tone. Person is cursed, spookiness happens, learn about cause of spookiness, attempt to stop spookiness, etc, etc..

So now lets get into the… questionable aspects. First scene in the movie, two parents rush their child to a psychic and they say their child has been cursed after stealing a necklace from a… g*psy woman. First scene and all i could think was “oh. no.” and it doesn’t get better from there. I am not an expert on any of this, so if someone has done a more in depth analysis, let me know so i can link it, but these issues are extensive throughout and pretty intrinsically tied to the plot. The creepy old woman in the bank, yep, you guessed it. And look, I get why they did it, its an old trope/ stereotype in horror right? But even still I really don’t think the use of these kinda offensive ideas is really justified, even if it isn’t intended to be taken seriously. Its just a big yikes at best. And again, its very pervasive throughout the whole movie. And it doesn’t really stop there. Every psychic we see is another POC, and while i don’t know exactly what stereotypes they are playing off of, the way this movie portrays them and everything else, i am extremely suspicious. If this is going to be at all upsetting, just skip this one, theres really no getting around these aspects.

In terms of other warnings, the spook mostly come from jumpscares and the like, some of which are actually kind of cleverly done (again referring to the absurdity aspect). The child death is supernatural in natural, not realistic and easily skipable (02:55-03:55). The animal death is a little harder to avoid as it is discussed several times, but the actual death is a cat who is not killed onscreen, although its body is seen twice (death - 50:00-51:05, body 1 - 51:05-51:09, body 2 - 1:16:48-1:16:58). There is multiple instances of a fly being present, landing on Christine’s face and closed eyelid, and even crawling into her nose and mouth (37:35- 37:55) and multiple instances of maggots. Multiple instances of vomiting, including into other people’s mouths.

Generally, I was not a huge fan of the tone of the movie, although that is purely a personal preference, and it was difficult to get passed the racial/ cultural insensitivity. Not scary enough for me, not funny enough for me, and you really need both in a horror comedy. I like campy, i like silly, i like stupid, but not like this.

5.5/10

[darlingshane]

7 Days of Kastle

Day 7: The Consultant

Pairing: Frank Castle/Karen Page

Other Characters: Sarah Lieberman

Content: Romantic Comedy AU*

Warnings: Language. Absurdity.

Word Count: 1,190

Summary: Karen is off to a great start in her new job at Castle Motors.

Prompt: Free Day

*A/N: Though this is neither romantic or comedic, that was my initial thought when I started working on this one. I didn't have time to finish it, so I'm only sharing the beginning, hoping to post this fully as a separate fic one day.

– Everything in here is most likely wrong cause I don't know anything about companies and how they work. Just enjoy the read I guess.

– My last contribution for @daredevilexchange​‘s Fan Week, thank you for hosting this!

It's a classic misunderstanding of biblical proportions, kind of. The one you see on those films, wrongfully labeled as chick flicks for the absurdity of the situations presented. Yes, arguably most of them are but that is what makes them so comforting and fun to watch just to disconnect for a couple of hours.

Karen is running late on her third day to her new job as a marketing consultant at a fairly new, slow growing automobile company– Castle Motors. She anticipated the traffic, the weather and the almost hour commute, but no matter how early she's up, every day has been a new challenge on the road. Today specifically, a truck was blocking her car in the parking space. It took her 15 minutes to find the owner and when she did, she was confronted with nothing but rudeness.

When she arrives at Castle Motors, she quickly grabs a coffee to-go from the café next to it and dashes inside, scans her credentials, and sprints in record time at the sight of the elevator doors that are about to shut.

“Wait!” She utters as the longer strap of her bag gets loose.

A man inside holds a hand up to the sensor motion to stop the doors from closing until she’s inside. Unfortunately, she trips awkwardly at the very last second with that loose strap. She doesn’t fall but half her coffee ends up spilled on the floor, and the other half all over the man’s bottom half, jeans and boots ruined.

"Oh God, shit, I'm so sorry," she grimaces, as the elevator ascends, quickly dropping to her knees to clean his pants and shoes without realizing that it's Frank Castle himself, CEO of Castle Motors, and never minding her own skirt and pantyhose that quickly absorb the spillage off the floor.

"It's okay. It's just coffee, ma'am."

"No, I got it, I got it," Karen hastily starts pulling pairs of tissues from a kleenex pack, dabbing his jeans and wiping his boots until they run out.

It's then that she looks up and recognizes the face and mind behind the company, and lets out a long defeated sigh, "I'm really sorry, Mr. Castle."

"You can call me Frank," he scoffs, seemingly amused, "don't worry I have other clothes in my office. It wouldn't be the first coffee spill here… or the last."

"I'm usually not much of a klutz but I was getting late… and you're supposed to be in the meeting today…"

"Oh, you're the new consultant… Page, right?"

She nods, lips curving up softly at the corners, "Karen. Again, I'm so sorry."

"Well, I guess we'll both be late, Karen."

He extends his hand to her to help her up but before she can take it, the elevator doors suddenly slide open to a new floor and a few people are standing by, staring at them, dumbfounded at the puzzling scene of Karen on her knees, surrounded by discarded tissues in front of her boss, plainly facing his crotch.

Absurdity level achieved.

Mortified, her face turns ten different shades of red as she quickly gets herself up, slinging her bag to her shoulder.

Frank clears his throat before explaining, "it's okay, people, nothing to see here, it's just coffee."

Anyone with half a brain who works at Castle Motors, and knows Frank, wouldn't dare to even question that what they saw is anything other than that, a giant misunderstanding, no matter how bad that looked like. Castle is a decent man, and a great boss according to everyone Karen has talked to since the interview.

"You don't have to do that, we'll get someone to clean it," he tells her when Karen squats again to pick up the mess she left on the floor, "go clean yourself, I'll see you in the meeting, okay?"

"Okay," she struts out to the hallway, and quickly finds the bathroom.

Great start, Page. She uses some water to clean up the coffee off her skirt and dries it as much as she can. Luckily, the dark color of the fabric helps mask most of it.

She takes a few deep breaths before going back out and into the conference room. She's either actually on time, or the rest of the people are running late. There’s only one person in the room, Sarah, Frank’s right hand and the person who hired her, going over some papers.

"Good morning," Karen clears her throat, "are the seats assigned?"

"Morning, Karen. Oh, no, just sit anywhere. We're not that formal."

She nods and places her coat on one of the chairs near the window before pulling out her tablet and notebook as a backup with a couple of pens on the table.

"I really liked your ideas by the way. I’m looking forward to your full assessment," says Sarah.

"Thank you."

"I know this is unusual but I thought you might wanna sit through this so you can see for yourself what we’re working on right now, and how Castle works because he can be a little…"

"Unorthodox?" Karen suggests.

"I was going to say old-fashioned but that works too. He has Amy, the receptionist, managing all the social accounts cause he refuses to put the time and money on building our own in-house department."

Karen clears her throat, collecting her thoughts for a beat, as people start arriving, casually greeting good morning to both.

“Yeah, if you keep growing, it’s gonna be inevitable to have your own team managing the brand. Not just socials. I honestly have been driving one of the first models for 5 years and it was a recommendation from the dealer… I didn't think I'd ever heard or seen anything about you until last year.”

"See? Thank you. I knew you're going to be a good fit, none of the other consultants ever said something like that. They kept pushing for Facebook advertising and insta branding or whatever, but they didn't understand that isn't what this company needs."

"Who even uses Facebook anymore?"

"Exactly!" Sarah interjects.

"If you wanna know my opinion… Castle vehicles are classic, efficient, and sustainable and they deserve more than a little facebook ad that nobody is going to click on. You need a proper branding plan if you're hoping to get more investors."

"The Castle Classic, I like that," Frank appears behind the door wearing clean jeans and carrying two mugs of coffee, customized with the logo of the company, "I should write it down."

"Thanks for joining us Mr. Castle. I hope it wasn't too much of an inconvenience for you this morning," Sarah utters ironically as Frank offers Karen one of the mugs.

"Thanks, you didn't have to," Karen nods, taking the mug out of his hand.  

"Yeah, thank you for bringing coffee for all of us," Sarah keeps messing with him.

"I owed Miss Page here… see, I knocked her cup right out her hand a few minutes ago in the elevator. And you know how I feel about coffee, Lieberman."

"A coffee a day keeps the grumpy away. We know. Should we start now? We're late already."

"Yeah, go ahead."

[ellenwatchesfilms]

Druk (Another Round) Commentary

Druk (Another Round) - A Deep Reflection on European Drinking Culture

Director: Thomas Vinterberg

Cinematography: Sturla Brandth Grovlen

Genre: Drama/Comedy-Drama

This commentary is entirely spoiler-free.

Another Round (Druk) is a Danish film that follows four middle-aged school teachers who, over dinner one night, become interested in the philosophy of Finn Skarderud that humans are born with a blood alcohol content (BAC) that is .05% too low. Initially hesitant, Martin (Mads Mikkelsen) who seems to has lost his lust for life, something particularly apparent in his dull teaching, ends up being the first of the four friends to 'test' this theory by drinking to maintain a constant BAC of .05%.

I was hesitant to include the word 'comedy' in the above description of genre. When I first watched the trailer, I knew I had to watch this film. I even sat in the theatre beside my boyfriend and said "I bet this will start off as a comedy, but will turn out to be quite depressing". I was right in some ways, but the ending of the film left me with mixed emotions, not at all in a bad way. I was unsure of how I felt. On the one hand, I struggled to stop smiling whilst I watched the final scenes of Druk, but as the film ended and the credits began to roll, I sat staring at the screen feeling a little sad.

I like to think that this was partly what Vinterberg was getting at. After all, in an interview, Vinterberg was keen to emphasise that the film was not a celebration of drinking, but a celebration of life, and sometimes it is those first few drinks that help to strip back the walls we put up that can make it harder for our enjoyment of life to come through, but it is far too easy for a few drinks to become a few too many.

Vinterberg neither condemns European alcohol consumption, nor does he celebrate it. In many scenes, excessive alcohol consumption is shown to be absurd and ridiculous, though not necessarily in a negative light. At the same time, in other scenes, this same excessive consumption is indeed portrayed negatively. I do think that this largely reflects the reality of European drinking culture. Sometimes excessive drinking can be fun and ridiculous, but other times dangerous. But Vinterberg takes care in avoiding lecturing his viewers or the audience, or pushing across a certain view that alcohol is or isn't bad.

At the heart of the film is the idea of life. This is perhaps most tangibly conveyed through soundtrack, What A Life by Scarlet Pleasure who's lyrics perhaps speak best for themselves in conveying Vinterberg's message.

What a life, what a night

What a beautiful, beautiful ride

Don't know where I'm in five but I'm young and alive

Fuck what they are saying, what a life

...

But it makes me terrified

To be on the other side

How long before I go insane.

For Martin, alcohol livens him up almost unrecognisably. In some ways it is heart-warming seeing he and his friends so carefree and joyous when they drink. But when the alcohol wears off and 'dull' Martin returns all that life vanishes. I struggle to decide whether it is sad that Martin, the beautifully alive version of him, only emerges with alcohol, or whether it is simply true for all of us. I may be getting too personal here, but the one thing I kept thinking throughout my viewing of the film was "I understand you, Martin".

Human life is beautiful and ridiculous and absurd and silly. Perhaps philosopher Skarderud was not suggesting we all maintain a BAC of .05%, but that we live our lives as if we were doing this, to be the .05% BAC version of ourselves, and not necessarily by consuming alcohol. Druk is a beautifully thought-provoking reflection on the sometimes absurd nature of European drinking culture, but it is also a celebration of the beauty of human life, even in those who seem to have lost their lust for life.

This film immediately became one of my all-time favourites. Between the witty, comedic yet profound dialogue, beautiful cinematography and its celebration of life, I gave it an 8 out of 10.

Ellen's Rating: 8/10 (03/01/2022)

[panharmonium]

Merlin and Naruto

I did Merlin here, so here’s Naruto! :D

[disclaimer for everyone: I have only watched up through Season 10 of Shippuden (the arc with the Five Kage Summit), and I am trying to avoid spoilers for everything after that point, so please don’t interact with this (including tags, because tumblr shows them to me automatically) unless you are avoiding ALL spoilers.  For me, this includes discussion about whether you like/dislike future seasons, comparisons of various seasons in terms of quality, etc.  Thanks, everyone! <3]

My favorite parent-child relationship: I know they’re not blood-related, but Iruka and Naruto have me crying every time I see them together.  Naruto straight-up says that when he’s with Iruka he feels like he knows what it’s like to have a father, and honestly, Iruka loves Naruto so much at this point that he would insta-adopt him if Naruto asked.  I love how Naruto always cites Iruka as the first person who cared for him even later in the show when Iruka hasn’t had as much screentime, and when I saw Iruka cry because he’s so proud of Naruto at the end of the Pain arc, it was just...too much for my little heart to handle.

My favorite sibling relationship: You know, thinking about it, almost all of the people in Naruto are only children, as far as we know!  But in terms of just that sibling vibe - Sakura and Naruto definitely give me that feel.  I know he has a crush on her, but their relationship has always felt more sibling-like to me, and I especially love how deep their bond has become by the time we get to Shippuden.  They are just so comfortable with each other now - the depth of the love and friendship they feel for each other is palpable.  

My favorite family relationship (other): I adore Naruto’s relationship with Jiraiya.  That scene where Naruto falls asleep against his back almost killed me, and Jiraiya’s later line, “Your smile is my salvation” - that was too much.  It absolutely destroyed me.  The way Jiraiya kind of gave up on everything after his old life went to hell - neverending wars, Orochimaru gone, his original students dead, his student’s students dead, Minato dead - he just ran away after that, and it was meeting Naruto that kind of rekindled that spark of hope in him and helped him reconnect with his community and rediscover a sense of purpose in his life.  Naruto enabled him to finally come home, and I think that’s beautiful.

My favorite friendship between two people: There are so many friendships in Naruto that I love (one of the greatest things about this show for me has been how little focus is given to romantic relationships, at least so far; it’s very much a friendship-oriented show), but right now I’m in a bit of a Kakashi-Yamato hole.  I was super primed to not like Yamato when he first showed up, because him being there meant that my favorite character WASN’T there, and also he ended up replacing Kakashi on the one mission where the team finally found Sasuke, but the guy won me over in the end.  He is one of my favorite characters now - my heart just swells every time I see him - and I think his relationship with Kakashi is super interesting.  I’ve written before about how Kakashi’s only truly intimate friendships are with people who are dead, and I do think that applies when it comes to Yamato, too, even though the two of them are obviously very companionable and close.  There is still a level to that relationship where Kakashi is a bit of a mentor figure, the “superior officer,” which results in a degree of (still friendly and affectionate) distance.  And as with all of his other relationships, Kakashi doesn’t really confide in Yamato about his life or open up to him in the same way that he does when he talks to his dead friends - but at the same time, there is an element to their relationship that doesn’t exist in Kakashi’s other friendships, and it’s the fact that Kakashi trusts Yamato with his kids, implicitly and without reservation.  Kakashi’s entire life right now is very much enmeshed in what happens to his students, and even if he doesn’t necessarily talk about that with Yamato, Yamato is still deeply involved in that work.  Yamato VOLUNTEERED for that work.  And he continues to dedicate himself to it even when his first mission as Kakashi’s stand-in ends up going completely off the rails and turning into WAY more than he signed up for.  He keeps doing his utmost for Kakashi’s kids without it even being his original responsibility, and that is such an unusual thing, for Kakashi, who in every other circumstance is always the one stepping in to help other people, the one who always shoulders his burdens alone.  Nobody ever asks Kakashi if he needs help with these incredibly high-needs children, and neither does Yamato - but the difference is that Yamato jumps in to help regardless, and he stays no matter how complicated things get.  That’s huge, and it’s only going to become more important.  It’s just - it is difficult for Kakashi to have intimate friendships with people who don’t share his history, and this rules out almost everybody else in the world, because all the people who truly share his own history are dead.  But the degree to which Yamato has altruistically and irreversibly entwined himself into the most important parts of Kakashi’s new history - the chapters being written right now, the ones that are going to define the rest of Kakashi’s life - means that Yamato is well on his way to breaking through that wall and becoming the first exception to a universal rule. [There is a lot to be said on Kakashi’s side of this, too, like - every time Kakashi refuses to call Yamato by his code name I lose my mind just a little bit, and I have MANY thoughts about Kakashi basically dragging folks who’ve been victimized or exploited or experimented on out of ANBU and then absorbing them into his own team, where they become a part of a family-type unit that respects them and cares about them and treats them like human beings.  I mean, there’s a huge difference between the Yamato we meet in S2 vs. the Yamato we know in S10 (and the same thing goes for Sai!) - and that’s something I think about a lot.]

My favorite friendship between a group:  I love all of the team dynamics, but Team Gai is a fave XD  The absurd contrast between oh-so-serious Neji vs. Gai/Lee’s incredible goofiness (with Tenten’s exasperation in between) is comedy gold.  I screamed with laughter in S1 when Gai was trying to get Neji to put his hand in the circle and do their “shout a slogan like a sports team” thing - I’ve never seen anything funnier on this show than jonin!Neji trying to put up with Gai’s antics.  

My favorite mentorship: My favorite mentorship is always Kakashi and whichever kid happens be onscreen with him at that moment, but I’ll be honest and say that Kakashi+Sasuke was the first dynamic that got me actually invested in this show (as opposed to me just watching it because it was on and not really caring what happened to any of the characters).  They are still the mentorship dynamic about which I have the most complex feelings, and that is especially true after the last season we watched.  I will probably end up making a separate post about this, because I still have not written down all of my thoughts about the end of Season 10 and I am still trapped in my feelings about this very lost child and the only adult who ever tried to help him the way he deserved to be helped, and I know I have way more to say about them than I can reasonably fit in this bullet point.  But - the short version is that I am super compelled by the way that every tragedy that’s befallen Kakashi is precisely what shapes him into the only adult who can help this particular kid, the way seemingly senseless events ended up putting Kakashi in a position where he’s the only adult who can intervene on this kid’s behalf many, many years later.  The way Sasuke’s plight (and the potential that Kakashi has to help him) suddenly grants meaning to the worst parts of Kakashi’s life - that knocks me on my butt.  

My favorite rivalry: So I probably would not have said this until the episode where Kakashi comes three seconds away from being made Hokage, but I’m gonna say Gai & Kakashi, solely to express my love and appreciation for Gai in that episode.  This is the ep where Gai challenges Kakashi to a race through the entire village (as a sort of “last hurrah before we can’t do this kind of silly shit anymore” thing) and Kakashi is initially kind of reluctant to do it, because he’s stressed out about a lot of things, but he does end up agreeing to it, and then he has SO much fun, and I LOVED this so much; I can’t even tell you.  This moment takes place immediately after Kakashi returns from that horrible, awful confrontation with Sasuke, and everything preceding this scene was very hard for me to see, because everybody is just asking Kakashi to do more and more and more for them without giving him even a hot minute to be like “i almost just killed my own kid.  i almost just had to kill my own kid, who was trying to kill my other kid, who was trying to kill kid #1 first, so i wouldn’t have assume the burden of killing him myself.”  Nobody checks on him, nobody asks, and Kakashi has to just hold onto that horror and also fret over the uncertain yet chilling secrets that Madara Uchiha disclosed and also prepare to shoulder the crushing weight of an office he never asked for - AND THEN.  GAI SHOWS UP.  And even though Gai doesn’t really know what happened, he still checks Kakashi over from top to bottom to make sure he’s in one piece, and then he drags him into this stupid competition, and it makes Kakashi LAUGH.  They go running all out across the craterized scene of devastation that used to be their home, and they have FUN doing it, and Kakashi straight-up tells Gai, “This was just what I needed,” which - god.  It would be great if Kakashi had somebody he could actually talk to, sure, but there’s also a space in our lives for people who just cheer us up, no questions asked.  It’s like when you tell someone you have a problem and they ask, “Do you want to talk about it or do you want to be distracted?”  Sometimes you don’t need to talk about it.  Sometimes you just need people who will take you for a goofy footrace and make you feel like you’re running too fast for any of your troubles to ever touch you again, for a few minutes. 

My favorite hatred/antipathy: The answer to this question used to be Kakashi and Itachi, and while I’m even MORE fascinated by their dynamic now than ever, it’s taken on a whole new dimension, given that I think Itachi is (secretly) thrilled to see someone like Kakashi so committed to taking him down and keeping Sasuke safe.  So, in place of that, I’ll just say that I love how much all of the Akatsuki cannot stand each other XD  Almost none of them get along, and it makes me laugh every time - I can’t believe they ever get anything done, though I guess that’s to be expected when you get that many super-criminals together in a room.  I especially love how they all think Orochimaru is so stupid...cannot get over them laughing at him and his body-snatching immortality schemes.

My favorite potential relationship between characters who never talk in canon: Okay, these are both silly answers, but - I would have KILLED to see Jiraiya interacting with Minato’s team.  Like, I’m certain they spent time together, but honestly, what I wouldn’t give to have witnessed some of it.  All I could think about during that mini-arc where Jiraiya teaches Naruto how to sync up with Gamariki was how little!Kakashi would have taken one look at the dancing frogs and decided he would be using dog!summons for the rest of his life; meanwhile Obito would have already been in the frog’s mouth begging to be launched into the air like a cannonball.  Also - my sister said the other night how it is a CRIME that we never got to see Sasuke forced to interact with Jiraiya and honestly, that is too true.

[themilky-way]

as the hours pass {loki odinson}

gif credit: littlemisssyreid

pairing: loki odinson x fem!reader (might be considered gender neutral, though)

summary: he afraid of what he feels, so he does the only the thing he knows how to do: lie. based on this ask.

warnings: super shitty angst lol cuz it was 9 pm and my brain cells were FRIED. i think that’s it?? fluff at the end tho so we good 

author’s note: this took me a whole mf week to write which isn’t that bad but i have no time now and it’s kinda scary. yolo tho lol 

----------

when tony had initially proposed a weekly movie night for the entire team, not a single person would’ve imagined anything like this. a large projector had taken the place of the regular flatscreen television, consequently lining up in all the four corners of the penthouse windows. couches and reclining chairs compiled in a large circle instead of being adequately spread out amongst the common room, and they’d all been filled by at least one avenger. to those wishing to participate, jobs and duties had been assigned the week prior, the list ranging from making popcorn to dimming the lights. it was organized-sophisticated, in a way-how it had all been brought about, and to say the majority of the residents living in tony’s multi billionaire penthouse were surprised was quite the understatement. 

over the course of a few weeks, everything began falling into place. reminders didn’t need to be set anymore, and the designated tasks weren’t viewed as chores. natasha made sure to pop three full bags of delicious kernels- ensuring thor’s bowl had just enough butter to lick his fingers clean when he finished-while steve arranged a variety of pillows and blankets around the seating space. soon enough, fading shades of purple would ignite the obscurity of the living room-all due to the led lights binded to the borders of its ceiling-and either a horror or comedy film would commence. 

in such a manner, your spot could always be found on the same peculiar couch, next to the same peculiar individual. god, at that. to literally go to hell and back, to get placed in a home that wasn’t his home with people who wanted his head wasn’t particularly an easy life to lead. he wasn’t a man of sentiment, either, nor one who engaged in communal activities, so you took your part as a good samaritan and kept him company. the seat next to loki had been unreserved, with not even thor to take its place, and you shuffled away from a very frightened wanda to settle beside him. he'd been neutral, annoyed perhaps. if a stranger came to sit next to you out of the blue, wouldn’t you be, too? 

“mind if i sit here?” a mild pause signaled a response, and the shrug of his shoulders gave it away. “i’m not really enjoying the movie, and the space looked kinda cozy,” you added. 

after you had thoroughly felt the soft cushion of the seat and all its comfort, it was rather difficult to stray away from it. every friday evening, the striped bedding of the couch awaited your presence, and a pillow of an identical design lay by the armrest. loki always got there first, a bowl of ice containing two ice cream bars in his grasp, and if the belief that he had ever been remotely inconsiderate damaged your reasoning, the chocolate chip cookie he gifted you at the start of every night proved you wrong. 

if loki truly had to be honest with himself-his father, if he was peering down from above-the companionship you bestowed upon him didn’t upset him as he presumed it would. he half-expected his cold and antisocial nature to speak for itself, to grab hold of the kindness of your heart, crush it, and scatter its pieces so your blind hands would have to search aimlessly for them. for him, the opportunity would’ve been so effortless, so relieving in its own wicked sense, but you had already known that from the minute the tips of your sock-clad toes had walked right up to his. your words had been honey to him, simple yet profoundly eloquent that had dripped away every vowel on his tongue. the warmth that encircled you caromed over to him, and then his icy fingers became regular fingers, and his wintry complexion no longer overpowered the person he strived to be.

the thought alone of developing a kinship alarmed the presumably mischievous man, and when time, the most rewarding elements of his beloved universe, presented him with such a miraculous creature, he went into a comatose. the object of his interest was no longer an object, it was a person, an individual that appeared to envelop his nonexistent grace as if they depended on it. so his beautiful, virulent mind, as plentiful of wisdom as it was, conceived what it regarded to be the only correct answer. 

the seconds of long anticipated hours grew legs, and urged fragments of minutes to run off. solitude embraced the area loki used to adore being in, and his absence planted a seed of confusion within the person always seated beside him. the following nights were mindless for you, even when wanda had selected your favorite films to view, your headspace drifting off to the god who wasn’t watching it with you. interactions between your team lessened. refusing a handful of thor’s popcorn became a habit, and although he questioned you about it, he never brought it up again. then, a month flew by before you could cognitively process it. loki’s eyes hardly ever witnessed daylight now, or you for that matter. more often than not, his ear perked up at the soft squeaks of sneakers before their shadow halted in front of his door. the air in his lungs would almost escape from him entirely, lips pursed so tightly he felt them turn white, before mere seconds later distorted voices trailed your feet away from the barrier that separated him from you. foolish, he’d been foolish to deceive you so childishly. what could he possibly tell you now, that wouldn’t lead you to scurry away from him?

tonight, the best remedy to get some rest was to fix some tea. a good read seemed suitable enough, too, so a copy of The Scarlet Letter decorated your pillow. you trusted your weary legs to navigate you to the kitchen while your brain busied in forming unrealistic scenarios, as silly as it sounds, and you were doing fine and dandy until a conversation reeled you back in. an all too familiar voice-one you hadn’t heard in so long-was speaking, ranting, about things that bothered him? yeah, that was it. 

it was wrong to what you did at that moment, your dear mother had taught you better than this, but the never ending words spewing from loki’s mouth had glued the soles of your feet to the chilling tiles. 

a heartbeat shriveled to nothing, a weighty ache engulfing it in all its mighty glory, and everything you ever came to know became deception. “...ridiculous! i’ll tell you one thing, brother, and that is that they’re absurd for thinking i’m better.”

a booming retort-thor’s-defended you. “you’re ridiculous. they’re good to you and you’re going to throw it away because you’re afraid?” he neatly placed his mug on the counter before his firm hand landed on his brother’s shoulder and squeezed in reassurance. “if you keep pushing people away, you’ll outlive centuries-worth of joy.” loki flicked it away. “do they truly matter to you? enough for you to stop hurting them?”

the wall pressing into your shoulder obscured the visual of loki nodding his head. the tea you craved for now sounded disgusting, and no matter how hard you blinked your eyes, a puddle threatened to hover over them. you began toying with the sleeves of your sweater, hating the emerald shade you chose for it, and your head drooped down to focus on its marbled designs. odd shapes helped center your emotions, too much that you missed a figure passing by the entry. 

did you jump? yes. did loki jump? also yes. 

“what-why are you-why are you standing there?” his voice was shaky, concerned. he looked at your figure over once, his nervous glare lingering a little too closely at the pigment of your shirt, before he focused on you. it was hard for him to miss your anguish. the question his brother had previously asked him looped in his head, and by odin yes-yes, you mattered to him. 

“did you hear what i said?” he gulped. “all of it?”

your pupils were fully dilated, mouth inconceivably dry, so you muttered a tiny “yeah.”

“it’s alright, though. i’m not-i’m not mad, or sad, or whatever. i get it.” with enough strength, you pushed your body away from where you’d been cornered and started your leave. a tightening on your wrist stopped you. 

“please don’t go.” loki never begged, and he always trusted his ego to prevent him from doing it, but he’d inflicted grief on his most treasured midgardian, and he’d have to remedy that. “please.” 

“loki, hey it’s alright. i’ll leave you alone if that’s what you need.” he held you tighter before pulling your palm up to meet his chest. “what are you-look, i’m sorry-”

“you’re sorry?” he cut you off. “i’m sorry, don’t you see what you do to me?” the pad of one of his own hands moved to cover the back of yours to push it further onto his covered heart. it was beating faster than godly possible. if he were anyone else, maybe he was nearing a heart attack. “i do believe you’re the first one to do that.”

you ceased touching him before beginning to speak, but he knew your apologies, your questions, before they even escaped your lips. he fumbled on his words for some time, thorough confessions of his feelings never came as easily as he hoped, but he managed to get the point across. his obsidian, curly locks drizzling over his tiresome face distracted you, and his enticing features, his slurred attempts to achieve your forgiveness forced a tiny grin onto your mouth.

“it’s okay, honey,” you extended a hand outward in greeting. “let’s just start over, yeah?”

he choked on a breath at the name, and then two clammy hands melded into one, and everything was alright for once. “i’m loki, and the pleasure’s all mine, darling.”

[mini-moongi]

For Rent || Jin

Genre: Fluff, angst, comedy(?), Jin x asexual!reader

Warnings: mentions sexy times and multiple funky fresh sex themes but no actual frisky actions cause I ain’t about that,,

Summary: Bts is a line of men who can be rented for various sexual activities. One night, Kim Seokjin hits the jackpot of being rented for a whole month. When he shows up with all of his “gear”, the last thing he expects is to become a live-in fiancé with a girl who isn’t into sex.

This is a Fem!reader 

A/N: This was supposed to be a quick oneshot drabble, but it’s 3.6k words..... anyways, Happy Birthday @ahgassok​ !! this is for you :)

────── ☽. ✧₊∘ ──────

Seokjin get’s called into the office after his latest gig. He walks in, still dressed up in a suit and tie because his client requested it, and takes a seat across from his boss.

 “Seokjin, you’re really moving up the ladder these days, aren’t you?” His boss smiles warmly at all of the attention Jin has been getting. Seokjin does have to admit though, he wasn’t a popular choice on the roster when he first joined, but that doesn’t quite mean his ranks have been smooth sailing either. “I have very exciting news for you, kid.”

“What is it, Boss?” Seokjin questions. This could go in two very different directions. He was either getting promoted, or he was being sold to a bigger company. 

“A client wants to rent you out for a whole month.” The big boss man is beaming to high heavens when he announces it to Seokjin. Jin’s eyes widen at the thought of someone wanting him for a whole month, let alone the sheer thought of how much that costed them was enough to send shivers down his spine. 

“...what?” Jin responds as an afterthought. Most people would rent by the hour with him. This was the most common and usual source of income; Clients want a one night with no guilty conscience of the other party, and that was fine. Being rented for a few days or even a week, however, was a big deal within the group. Seokjin hadn’t ever had a client for a whole week, but his much more popular and younger coworkers had. He remembers the story Jungkook told him about being rented out to a sorority group for a week, and then being called back by them for another fun weekend in Miami.

But being rented for a whole month? And it wasn’t an already existing client, it was someone entirely new to him. The Head Honcho gives him a rundown of company manners, and Jin can only nod dumbly as he tries to soak up all of the new information. He receives the client’s list of likes and dislikes, and in a blink of an eye, he finds himself walking back out the way he came.

Taehyung is the first to approach him; it’s the next day when Jin is packing all of his clothes from the company dorms. “I heard the big news, Hyung!” Taehyung exclaims. Out of all of the members, Taehyung was the only one who’d get rented out by the months. People requested odd jobs from him. Once, he got called in to model for a magazine company and then have sex immediately afterwords with the manager. “I’m so proud,” Taehyung feigns a sob-like expression,” My Kim Seokjin is finally getting the kind of work he deserves.”

“How do you do it, Taehyung?” Seokjin continues to fold his clothes neatly into a suitcase. “I don’t even know who I’m going to be spending all of this time with. What if.. what if they turn out to be some secret trafficking network? What if I get thrown into an underground mafia cult?”

“You’ll be fine,” He pats Jin on the shoulder. “Our company holds strict regulations and runs background checks on every client. I do admit, though,” Taehyung lulls his head to one side,” clients like these are always unpredictable.”

A good night’s rest and suddenly he finds himself standing in front of the client’s door. He didn’t really know what kinds of sex toys to pack since their form was answered in the most unconventional way possible. Instead of a list of kinks and turn ons, there were written-in answers, so he only knew that she:

1. really enjoyed baking, but isn’t very good at it. He wasn’t sure if this person had a sweets kink or something, but he wasn’t going to complain about whipped cream foreplay. 

2. liked a more domestic approach to love. Want’s to be called Love, Honey, sweetie, baby, etc.

and that was it. Other than her name, age, and birthday, that was it. It did say that she wasn’t a virgin, but maybe she wanted to have the “first time” experience with someone again? Jin decided to pack more normal toys, vibrators, dildos, condoms, and whatnot. Taking a deep breath, he knocks on the door.

When it opens, he sees the girl from the profile picture he was given. The reality was closing in on him that he was really going to spend a month with her. “..uh, hello, my name is Kim Seokjin, and I--” He’s caught off guard when she wordlessly takes his hand and gently pulls him inside.

Her home is relatively small, but it’s so minimalistic and clean that it looks like it came straight out of ikea. “Your profile said that you majored in acting, right?” his client asks him, and he’s suddenly scrambling to make a good impression.

“Yeah, I... I was an acting major.” He smiles at her.

She doesn’t say anything else, so he comes up to the kitchen island. Jin watches as she busies herself in the kitchen, making a milk tea of sorts. Your initial impression on him was calm and collected: you seemed neat and organized like your living space. What he notices however, is the way her hands are trembling ever so slightly as she pours the drink into two glasses. He realizes that even as sweet and pretty as she was, there wasn’t a smile. You were biting the inside of your cheek, and trying to take subtle deep breaths.

“Your name is y/n, right?” He waits for you to nod before he continues. “I don’t want to overstep any boundaries here, but,” Jin looks into y/n’s eyes,”....is there something bothering you?”

Immediately, the illusion that y/n worked really hard on started to crumble. All of the composure she had completely left her body in one shaky sigh. “I’m.. I’m so sorry I have to drag you into this.” She slides him one of the drinks as she perches herself on a nearby stool. “I know you’re supposed to be like my sexy fun time man, but I’m ace, so that’s kind of out of the question.” Y/n stares into her cup as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“....Then why am I here?” Jin wonders aloud. He doesn’t mind the fact that you’re not into intercourse like he is, but then again, doing the do is kind of his job.

“My dad,” y/n swallows the lump forming in her throat. “he’s started bothering me with questions about my love life. I felt bad, being in my late twenties and all, so I told him that I was engaged. Last week, he told me he wanted to meet my fiancé and that he was going to stay here for a few weeks starting next week.”

Jin stares at her in disbelief, what has he gotten himself into? “And you’re telling me that I’m.... I’m the fiancé?” 

A dry laugh escapes her lips, and if it weren’t for the absurdity of the situation, Jin would tell her how pretty she was. “Yeah,” She looks at him, finally letting herself take in his features. An oversized hoodie was draped over his large body with black ripped skinny jeans hugging his legs for dear life. There isn’t a hint of anger written on his face, only a comforting (albeit a little shocked) smile. “My dad owns a pretty big company, and he recently had a near death experience. Ever since then, everyone’s been breathing down my neck making sure I was stable in every way possible. And I mean every single fucking way. ”

“Why?” Jin quips. He takes a sip out of her concoction, praying that she didn’t slip him a drug of any sort. Holy shit, it was the best thing he ever came across since discovering Jungkook’s fursona. It takes everything in him to not make some weird howl of pleasure at the utter euphoria his tastebuds were experiencing.

“So, when he inevitably passes,” she grimaces,” I’ll be able to take over. I love my old man, and I was hoping that he could retire before I see him drop dead in the middle of his office one day. He always tells me it’s harder to fall in love after people learn about what position you’re in. Hence this weird must-already-have-a-fiancé rule.” A smile barely ghosts her lips before she takes a sip of her drink,” Sorry; I’ll understand if you don’t want to have anything to do with my soap opera-esque situation.”

He quietly sips his drink, lost in this pool of new information. Surprisingly, he’s been calm this whole entire time. If he’d been thrusted into this situation years ago, he’d have flipped out in a not so good way. Thank god he found his big boy pants before this; he genuinely wanted to help y/n. She seemed to be really considerate, and he wanted to stay. At the very least, she’d probably be able to make a killer margarita with drink skills like these. “Out of the whole line-up, why’d you choose me?”

She’s stunned for a moment before replying,”Why wouldn’t I?”

“It’s just,” Jin swirls the drink with his straw,” I’m sure I wasn’t the first name to pop up on our page.”

“Oh,” Y/n tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. A light blush sweeps across her cheeks, and she clears her throat. “..Is it weird you somehow fit my ideal type? I guess if I had to pick something, it’d be the way you smile.”

The reply was so simple, and yet it struck a chord with him. Usually when he asks, they say they like his plump lips or his feet, and if he was unlucky enough, they’d tell him he was convenient. Jin chuckles,” Y/n, are you trying to flirt with me? I’m already yours, but knock yourself out, baby.”

The first few days were awkward, to say the least. Jin on the job, but not doing his job, was hard to get used to. He’d often wake up and wonder where he was, only to remember the agreement he made days ago that started it all. This morning was much like the other ones: brief seconds of confusion followed by acceptance. Y/n’s house was nice, but after his conversation, she grew a little distant; the house felt emptier when she didn’t talk to him.

Jin rolls out of his bed, and trudged into the kitchen. This morning, he woke up earlier than her. Deciding that if he was hired to be a fiancé, he was going to be the best damned fiancé that she’d ever have. 

That morning was different from your usual mornings. You woke up to a sweet smell lingering in the air. In the early morning haze, you half dress yourself and wander into the kitchen area. The low sizzle of the pan greeted your ears, and Jin’s broad shoulders stood hunched over the stove. He notices your presence, and turns around with a smile, the pan still in his hands. 

“Good morning, sweetheart.” He says.

“...good morning?” Your brain is still trying to wake up and process what’s happening. “Am I dreaming right now?”

The response is just lighthearted chuckle. “I’ve made pancakes, do you want some?”

You nod without hesitation. The smell had your mouth watering, and the thought of its taste was like music to your ears. He slides a plate in front of you and pulls the syrup from the fridge. You both dig in, savoring the fluffy taste of pancakes. 

“You know, I’ve got to ask,” Seokjin starts,” what about the rings? We’re supposed to wear some, right?”

If you weren’t awake earlier, that question really woke your stupor. “oh.” was all that came out of you for a painfully long time. “...So you’re really okay with this?”

“It might be the weirdest job I’ve taken on, but yeah. I’m ready to fuck around if you are--- but not literally, I promise. I know how to keep my dick in my pants.” He laughs.

You’re relieved that he’s actually okay with this. The past few days, you were waiting for your proposition to sink in and see him leave whilst waving around a middle finger in the air. A breath you’ve been holding in finally came out. “Okay, I’ll go get the rings. I’ll be back in a sec.”

When you return, he’s still sitting there at the counter, patiently waiting for you. A part of you wished your past lovers were like this in real life: someone who’s this patient and kind can only be bought, you suppose. You open up the velvet box, revealing the two rings that were a part of your elaborate plan. 

“May I?” Seokjin breathes out. You nod and watch him carefully pick up the ring meant for you. He stifles a laugh and clears his throat. “Miss Y/n L/n, will you marry me for like, a month?”

“Yeah,” you smile. He slips the ring onto your finger, feeling the cool metal against your skin. It’s shiny and beautiful; it’s the perfect wedding ring. Of course, you did pick it out yourself and vividly recalling sweating bullets when asked any questions regarding your marriage. 

You pick up his ring and giggle a little to yourself; by Monday, you’d have to play the biggest game of pretend in your life. “Mr. Kim Seokjin, will you marry me for a month?” He gasps and fakes a shedded tear.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

------

You go on multiple dates and try to fabricate your story before Monday arrives. He’s much funnier than you anticipated him being, and he’s really good company to be around. “I almost choked Jimin out for not cleaning my fucking dildos. Like, who does that to a guy who lets you borrow them in the first place?” 

Your stomach hurts so bad from how much you’re laughing. Shrek 2 is playing, but it’s long forgotten as it turns into background noise. Jin relays his very bad experiences on the job, and his stories are so outlandish that you sometimes question the validity of it. “Are you kidding me? Remind me to never let him borrow my socks. I don’t trust him after everything you’ve told me.” 

Jin his desperately holding back his laughter, but the dam breaks soon enough. Monday morning arrives, and exactly at 10 in the morning, the doorbell rings. You make eye contact with Jin,”It’s show time.” You whisper.

You open the door and greet your father. “Y/n! I’ve missed you so much,” he hugs you closer than before, and you can’t help but smile at your dad’s affection. 

“Dad, this is my fiancé that I’ve told you about, his name is Kim Seokjin.” You watch as your old man’s face lights up, and he eagerly rushes over to him. Your father takes JIn’s hand in his and shakes it with enthusiasm. “You’ll have plenty of time to say hello.” You giggle.

After you and Jin get your father’s things settled into the guest bedroom, everything starts to sink in a little too well. Earlier you agreed that it’d “be weird if you didn’t sleep in the same bed together” and so, all of Jin’s items moved into your room, sex tools included. “What should we do about dinner? I feel like it might get weird at the table together.” He whisper-yells to you. Fear gripped onto his body,”What if I accidentally talk about Yoongi’s butt plug accident?”

It takes everything in you to not bust out in giggles right there in the guest room. “You’ll be fine, Jin,” You set the last of his things by the bedside table. “Just please, watch your mouth.”

Just as you both suspected, dinner was very awkward. “So, how did you meet my daughter?” Your dad asks as he picks away at his food.

“Oh, uh,” Jin glances over at you. There was no way to really know what you were thinking, but a subtle thumbs up soothed his worries a little. “We met at a mutual friend’s party. Yeah,” he smiles,” It was at Namjoon’s book club celebration when we first met.”

“You should’ve seen it dad. I’d have never thought that book clubs were so wild before,” you absolutely sell it to the big guy. Your elaborate stories and too accurate to be fake details worked. 

The rest of dinner went smoothly, in fact, the rest of your dad’s stay was absolutely fucking perfect. Jin was able to use his PG 13 humor (re: dad puns) and fortunately, your dad likes stale jokes. Everything was going great, and you’d even convinced your dad that retirement was a good idea.... that is, until today.

“....but didn’t you say that you met at a book club?”

You looked over at Jin like a deer caught in the headlights. Crap, you just told that you two met online. Jin notices your panicked expression. If this mission fails, Jin will have been royally fucked sideways like a sock puppet. “We first talked online, but we met in person during the book club meeting!!” He stammers out.

The tension built up inside of you faded away, and you make a note to remind yourself to tell Jin how big-brained he is. You don’t really know what’s happened to you and Jin, but all morning there have been slip-up after slip-up after slip-up. (after yet another slip-up.) 

Your father isn’t fully convinced though, and you fear that he’s caught on. “...I don’t know if I believe you right now.” uh oh. He squints at the two of you as you both sweat profusely with nervous smiles upon your faces. “Seokjin, why do you want to marry my daughter?”

Jin looks at you, but your dad keeps pressing on. “How can I be sure that you love her, and this isn’t some big ruse to run away with all of our money? I can see that y/n loves you to death, but for some unknown reason,” He stops to cross his arms. “I just feel like there’s something you’re not telling me. I don’t want to have to do a background check on you, so your best bet is to come clean.”

Jin takes a deep breath. “Sir, with all due respect, I think that if we told you how we’d actually met, you wouldn’t take our relationship seriously. I love y/n, I love her absolutely to the moon and back.” Jin grabs your hand firmly in his and gives it a gently squeeze. He looks at you and the soothing words part from his lips. “Even after you fly back home, I plan to spend my life with her, regardless of what you say.”

At this point you’re not sure where he’s going with this. The longer he talks, the more it sounds like the words are directed at you. “The truth is, we aren’t really married.” Jin looks back at your dad, who furrows his brow at the complex lie he was told the past month. “--But if this is what it’s like to be married to y/n, I think it might actually happen.”

“What? Jin I--” You’re unbelievably shocked. He just revealed to your dad that no, sorry pops, your only child isn’t married to a super cool guy. The possibility of actually being married to Jin perplexed you, though. Is this still the actor in him talking, or is he saying the truth? 

“Look,” your father sighs,” I don’t know what situation you’ve put yourself in to pretend you’re married, but damn it all to hell if you don’t actually marry this boy.” Your dad breaks out into a grin, signifying that Jin has passed the test. “If you don’t make him my son-in-law, I’ll find a way to do it myself.”

You’re still paralyzed as you watch your dad engulf Seokjin in a hug. Your dad looks happy to have met Seokjin, and vise versa. They get along better than peas in a pod, you realized. When this mission is over though, will you ever see Jin again? Already you’ve begun to miss his laughter. The way he sings in the shower, the way he pushes up his glasses while he’s reading, the way he says I love you; you’re going to miss it. All of it.

Like a final curtain call, the deal is over. You hand Seokjin an envelope containing the cash you owe him for his service. He takes it, and he places it onto his packed suitcase. Your eyes never leave his figure, and you watch as he gets up to be more leveled with you. “Y/n,” He says. “I meant what I said the other day; we may not be married now, but that doesn’t mean I won’t propose in the future.”

“This is your job talking right?” You laugh, but it lacks the usual give of happiness. “Don’t think it’s going to give you a bonus, hot stuff.”

“I’m serious.” He looks at you tenderly,” I actually really like you, you know. Hoseok regularly fucks a big corporate guy, so I have discounts at every Starbucks location if you wanna go out somewhere.” His thumb glides over the ring on your finger, lost in thought for a moment. “Call me a pool noodle and ride me backwards, but I think I’m going to miss you too much to actually leave.” 

“...Besides, I think the ring on my finger is stuck so--” he drawls out.

You snort in surprise, giggles bubbling from inside of you. Genuine ones this time. “I was going to miss you too, but I won’t have to if you’re not leaving.”

“I never really planned on it, sweetheart.”

────── ☽. ✧₊∘ ──────

A/N: my brain..... ‘tis empty...

[kustovshik]

Talking.

This post is informative in connection with a dispute that one of the parties decided to make absurd. If you don't want to get involved, just skip it. I don't force anyone to look into it or read it.

Kust is in touch. As many people have noticed, there was a small(not small now) conflict between me and a couple of other people, which could have already been eliminated, but was brought to total clowning. Names/nicknames named in this post will not be in order to avoid any negative towards those people. Also, no correspondence will be shown here, although they will be mentioned. If someone asks , I'm ready to go and personally collect all the screenshots of the two conversations, without losing any moments.

As a person in some way responsible for the current situation, I have a desire to illuminate everything from the side of my vision of things.

The conflict conditionally began three days ago. Let's call the person who initially had a small argument with me a certain person "A".

Well. in March. March 24th. We can assume that almost 5 months ago I published a post: https://kustovshik.tumblr.com/post/613504425335586816/i-want-to-be-in-fiars-stomach-he-looks-like-a

Many people remember it, I hope. I'll attach an old screenshot here just in case.

The whole conflict initially started because of the double meaning of the context behind the work itself. The problem, I was told, was the tags. Namely, in the tag highlighted in the screenshot above: ‘safe vore(or is it?)’.

This tag was originally put up there not because I didn't know what type of vore to call it, but specifically so that people themselves would sit and think: what do they want to see in my drawing. Simply put, a drawing with an open context. And it seems like no one has had any problems with it for few months.

That's what person A didn't like. I was told in a very unpleasant way for me personally that the person was very offended by this use of tags. And other problems with how they don't like 'fatal vore'. It was also suggested to me that I don't know about how fatal can be quite a painful experience for some.

I admit. My answer was quite abrupt. I can't deny it, and I won't, because that's the kind of person I am. My language is harsh on words and expressions. Instead of a thousand words and a selection of expressions, I usually tell people everything openly, or I am ready to openly indicate that something is wrong. Also, I fully admit that I have problems controlling my emotions, which makes it difficult for me to establish contact with strangers. I grew up in a different mindset, which is why I have a different view of many things. It's like putting two people who know the same language, but from different parts of the world, next to each other and forcing them to express their position on some moral principles or other things, and then wonder why their answers are different. A very exaggerated and crude comparison, but that how it looks like.

Why did I respond harshly? I am a rather rude person, and I do not like when people come to me in private messages, starting to talk about how bad they are feeling, because of things that can be safely ignored or blocked by them, so that there are no problems.

My first fatal mistake was when I decided to answer to "A". Afterwards, I talked to a couple of my friends and got cold feet. And then I apologized, trying to come to some compromise, adding the tag 'open ending' so that no one would be confused. But it seems that this was not enough, because “A” continued to say how it’s bad from what she found, even if not quite fatal stuff. Refusing to compromise in any way, as I suggested.

After that, we parted with apologies to each other, and neither of us wrote to each other again. I honestly thought it was over.

Now, before I go on to the man who has been driving me mad for the past two days, I will make a pure assumption and try to explain my indignation in a different way...

Out of human interest, I went through the 'safe vore' tag. Noted an interesting feature. Both tags had quite a lot of posts there. Namely, tags are 'safe vore' AND 'fatal vore'. Why did my post cause the problem? Have no idea.

Then another point became incomprehensible to me. How did a person get to this post at all? It would be difficult to find it through search, but you can: there is a lot of content by tag. I flipped the feed down from the second account for a long time and didn't come across my own post.

Then, in my little investigation, I looked into Tumblr's alerts. Likes, reblogs, well, you understand in short. And noticed it.

This is the first appearance of "A" in my notifications.

Hence, I dare to assume that "A" came across one of the reblogs of this post: https://kustovshik.tumblr.com/post/616227708116025344/a-new-player-has-joined-the-game And then "A" went to my blog, along the way ignoring the description specially written for such people at the very top of the blog, and came across my two-meaning post.

But after that, I had a rhetorical question: Why go to the blog of a person who has this written in the description, and hope that there will not be a fatal vore?

Of course, this theory is based only on my assumptions. But I think this scenario is quite real.

Thus, we can say that I have every right to be angry at the indignation expressed in my direction, because it is not my fault that the person ignored my preferences, scrolled down my blog page and started complaining.

Back to reality.

As you can understand, " A " shared our conversation with their friend, who the next day suddenly came to me with a long message about his position, offering help that was not needed.

Even then, I began to suspect that this person(let's call him "B") was somehow connected with "A". Moreover, the reason for the visit was the same for both of them.

I have already mentioned that I am an irritable and rather rude person. I was already stressed enough by the appearance of "A" and the consequences of my reflections that occurred after what I thought was an end to the conflict. And the repeated mention of the situation has already infuriated me.

I fully admit that I reacted very sharply to the "B" message. I had reasons for this that the other side chose not to consider.

Well. After receiving the message I gave sharp response expressing extreme dissatisfaction, but without insults to "B". Was there passive-aggressive speech? Yes. Were words said that I am not obliged to monitor the health of people who do not concern me? Yes. Do I have the right to think so? Yes. Does this fall under the moral code? It depends on the person's personal worldview.

Yes, I was rude due to the fact that on the second day I was exhausted and angry about this situation. I wanted to end this conflict and repeatedly asked both of them to block me and remain neutral. In addition, I tried to somehow explain that we are people of different mentalities and grew up with different life standards, so in this situation we see this conflict differently. Yes, in a rough way, but I tried to explain it.

I received a ton of direct insults, was accused of narcissism and high self-esteem, as well as refusing to take care of other people's problems. In addition, I received lines like, quote: "...but let me see you talk like you did to me or anyone else simply trying to converse with you over a serious topic and I will not hesitate to have your content and eventually your account removed from this site.".

Isn't this a direct threat?

I understand that passive-aggressive speech itself can offend someone. But you can't call it an insult. Passive-aggression is a hidden way of expressing negative feelings and emotions to a person. This is not an insult. But, Yes, I admit that this is a very harsh and rude way of communicating.

That's just after such an exchange of pleasantries, I snapped. 3 days of unquenchable conflict, when one side refused to listen to the other, at the same time. There were attempts on my part to end the conflict. There was one repeated request to block and disperse, so as not to inflame everything to the point of absurdity.

"Want to stay safe with your own preferences? "Please, God, don't touch me, that's all. Block me already and we will live in peace. "- This was the message of my answers. It's sad, but instead of just ending the conflict, I got the brand of a person with a capitalist mindset, the brand of a bitch-whiner, and other other charms.

And I swear that I was ready to just leave all this and stop responding to such outbursts in my direction, banal blocking "B", if they can’t themselves do it.

As here I get a notification with a post where this person changed my art / tags and basically uploaded the changed image to his blog, hiding behind good intentions. "B" did not receive permission for such actions. Even with an indication of authorship. I am most outraged by such actions at the moment.

Better look on the two images compared to each other. 

And after that, everyone wants me to try to understand how bad I was and how poor they are, that from a simple argument that could have ended without even starting, it turned into an absurd clowning with offended people, insults and changing someone else's drawings and whole character reaction. Just a note. Fiar is not so nice, he’s a wild monster leech and he just grumbles about everything as much as he don’t understands why some people willing to let him eat them. He’ll never say something as “I’ll keep you safe”.  

There it is. The comedy of a three days.

This post is for informational purposes only. Namely, how I see this situation.

All I want now is for "B" to delete the post, and for both sides to banal block each other, so that we never meet again.

I refuse to apologize to "B" for their latest act of outraging my drawing by completely distorting the meaning from a neutral drawing to something that only "B" and their friend like. In conclusion I can say, that I do not call myself a good one in that confrontation. I did some terrible mistakes while talking to both of those people. But it’s not only I’m here being on the bad side. People are not black and white. 

After this I’ll not respond to any of the continuation of that conflict anymore. I’m tired of this.

[radramblog]

Rating the letters of the alphabet

I feel like part of my style of comedy is just rambling about shit and making loose connections between things as part of an overall bit. I think. I’m no expert on myself, unfortunately.

The inspiration for the following absolute load of shite is trying to search Tiermaker for nothing. Like, no characters in the search bar. Didn’t come up with anything. Did a search for just a space. No dice. What about just a? Surely that’ll bring up everything with an A in the title. But it didn’t, and I was somewhat disappointed.

Then my head started writing bits about letters and that’s how we got here. This is probably really stupid, but maybe it’ll at least be fun. Wordplay is cool, though maybe not my strong suit? Anyway.

A: A is one of the two letters that’s also just a word, as you’ve just seen, giving it a necessary promotion in rank. Not a lot of things get to double up like that, though with the “an” ligature maybe it’s actually a double or nothing. But because of the confusing common connection crossing contexts for the character, it gets somewhat awkward to talk about the letter in conversation. An A, in my opinion, A does not get. 4/5.

B: B is also just a word letter but unlike A when you write it out you have to stick a few extra letters on to make it work, making it not as good. But B’s association with bees isn’t enough, because in the year of our lord, like, 2019 or something, it would become inextrixably linked with shite memes as the B emoji became king. And I just don’t respect that. It’s otherwise a fine letter, dragged down by its company. 2/5.

C: Oh come on now, the word doesn’t even have a C in it anymore! You can sea the see without any of our tertiary letter’s involvement whatsoever. Not to mention how its two main sounds are just copies from other letters wholesale. C must be confusing to non-english speakers, I’d imagine. C as a grade gets what C as a grade typically entails for many a schoolchild. 3/5.

D: It would be remiss of me not to give a sterling grade to the D. Why, none of us would be here without it. While many a youth may find the D to be quite a humourous subject, I assure you I’m taking it with the gravest of sincerity when I say the D has got to be one of the best letters of all.

And by D I mean deity, of course. Wait, what did you think I meant? 5/5.

E: The absolute absurdity that is the E meme elevates E efficiently enough to excel beyond many another vowel. However, it is also the single most common letter in the English language, going so far as to open the damn name. It’s to the point where someone made a point of writing an entire book without using it, and I think Gadsby is cool but mayhaps avoiding fifth uncial was a bit showy. I can’t help but mark it down for the sake of hipster cred. 3/5.

F: F is for Fuck. I like the word Fuck. F is for paying respects. I think the military-industrial complex has poisoned our cultural landscape to the point that a reference to one of its most prized productions’ awkward moments has become one of the most colloquially used meme letters in existence, And That’s Terrible. 3/5, I’m conflicted.

G: Man literally who the fuck cares about G. What is it even good for. Just an absolute waste of a letter, total shithouse. It’s NATO equivalent is Golf, the Worst Sport, too. Who asked for any of this? Just use a J instead, it’s cooler. 1/5.

H: I’ve seen “Hhh” used enough times in written forms of pornography to not consider it a Horny Letter. That and it, being short for Hentai, is often used to denote adult material in Japan. Basically what im saying is, I think this gets worse the less sex-positive you are. 6/9.

I: I think I’ve said enough about letter words already, but I is another high-tier one because like A I is just it’s own thing. It can also, however, be a bit confusing, looking just like an l a lot of the time, and having to constantly capitalise it is a pain in the ass. I also don’t have a particularly high opinion of myself, so a high opinion of I seems disingenuous. 3/5.

J: Clearly the best letter, hands down. I’m definitely not biased. There are so few letters as underappreciated by J- a fact many a person who’s had to do that “assign yourself an alliterative adjective” icebreaker game has had to reckon with. Because it appears to be a lot more popular with names than with words, and that just kind of sucks. 6/5.

K: K has in some circles managed to bump off its partner to become yet another letter word, though in a very informal abbreviated sense. However, when you’re looking into scientific fields, eventually said partner returns, having lost some weight on the trip down to absolute zero. This all makes complete sense in my head, and I’m sure is a lot less funny to anyone who doesn’t live there. 4/5.

L: I’d argue that L doesn’t cop its namesake. It’s a really useful letter, loads of words use it, especially in pairs, and my ADHD-brain thought it was fun to just say LLLLLLLLLLL for a bit while I was thinking about this so I guess that’s staying in now. Put me down as an L Lobbyist. 4/5.

M: Mmmmmm. M&Ms. But also it’s kind of a pain to write. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. 3/5.

N: I’d like to fight whoever decided we should have two letters that sound so similar right bloody next to each other in the alphabet. Actually, who the fuck even decided the alphabet’s order to begin with? Maybe it should go M to N, that’ll bloody show you. 2/5.

O: Our fourth vowel, and perhaps one of the underappreciated ones. O is similarly a letter word, but a much more common one considering its use as an interjection. It’s also one half of a very powerful letter combo, as we’ll see. 4/5.

P: There’s the other half. Many a joke involves OP as a phrase, whether it mean overpowered or original poster, and the letters’ adjacency is a lovely bit of serendipity. Whenever I say P out loud, on its own, I have to resist the urge to do some incredibly shitty beatboxing, which may or may not be a good sign. 4/5.

Q: I was going to write some very harsh words about Q, and its dependency on U, but then I realised that that is probably hate speech against the disabled. It still sucks, though. 0/5.

R: R is the one I am most struggling to think of things to say about. R is another letter that’s just kinda there. I’m sure the Roberts and Rachels of the world would disagree with me, though. It’s also the name of a program that I know has traumatised a lot of young biologist wannabes, slapping us with a whole pile of maths and statistics when we just wanted to look at cool plants and shit. Or in my case, cool cells and shit. 2/5.

S: The most overrated consonant, but also the thing that makes plurals not a pain in the ass. However I’m going to lean towards giving S a positive rating, if only because it’s associated with snakesssss (and serpentine characters who can talk) and I like those. 3/5.

T: I don’t think T gets enough credit as one of the pillars of the English language. A lot of very common words feature it, and yet it feels like it never gets the same level of credit as big shots like S or half of the vowels. T is like the character actor of the alphabet, is basically what I’m saying. 4/5.

U: Ah, the letter Americans hate for some reason. I think this is actually commentary on the history of American politics. Because throughout history, America has been extremely selfish and self-centered, while attempting to present a positive image that people are finally seeing past. They only entered WWI and WWII when it was convenient for them, they started wars and initiated coups in even their allies for petty ideological reasons, and they’ve gone to war with several countries and funded wars with several others seeming just for shits and giggles. Because apparently if you’re not an American, then you’re not one of them, and that means they hate U. 4/5.

V: I actually think V is underrated. It’s a fun sound. That’s it, no joke here. It’s neat, I like it. 4/5.

W: This may come as a shock to you, but double-u over here is actually two Vs! unless you’re writing in cursive, but fuck cursive. The French actually have it right on this one, naming it double-v (pronounced doobleh-vay). Add in the fact that it’s literally just M upside down, and you’ve got a pretty shite letter. 1/5.

X: There’s a reason literally every “A is for Apple” thing you see made for kids uses Xylophone for X, and that’s because there are no commonly used words that start with it. Seriously, it’s all just scientific terms- I’d argue X-Ray is more common than Xylophone in common parlance, but also, who wants to explain imaging to a kid. It doesn’t even get a second page of words on Dictionary.com. X also has implications as a letter word, that I’d rather avoid at the moment. 2/5.

Y: Ah, Ygreck, everyone’s favourite “what the fuck, France?” moment. Between that and being sorta kinda not really a vowel, Y prompts its own question more often than I’d care to admit. 2/5.

Z: As a (technical) member of the generation associated with this letter- on the one hand, I’m sorry, on the other, y’all have it coming. The final letter of the alphabet, one of the other ones worth 10 in scrabble (and yet X isn’t???), and one we probably got pretty sick of in the early 00s when it was everywhere- ironically, when most of the generation was getting born. 2/5.

And that’s the lot of them. I hope this didn’t alienate any non-English speakers too hard. It’s probably fine.

Join me for more bullshit next time I have another stupid idea. I mean, tomorrow.

[yurimother]

LGBTQ Light Novel Review: Sexiled Vol. 2

I recently became distraught over the state of light novels when an English license of Buck Naked in Another World was announced (obviously, that is was the problem with isekai harems, too much PANTS). However, my sadness quickly turned to jubilation as I realized that I had the second volume of Sexiled loaded up and was able to throw myself into the phenomenal tale of women dismantling the patriarchy, obliterating misogynists with overpowered magic, and kissing. Ameko Kaeruda has penned another triumphant and empowering feminist power fantasy for all readers to enjoy.

The story begins shortly after the conclusion of the first volume. The all-girls adventuring party Lilium is now famous after their spectacular win at the sparring tournament and enjoys their elevated status, one of the perks of which is a VIP table at their favorite restaurant. They are also responsible for supervising lower-ranked parties on quests. Usually, this involves men underestimating Lilium, attempting to show off and protect them, and then needing to be saved by the girls.

Just like the first volume, Sexiled 2 takes the opportunity to tell a few short stories highlighting gender inequalities from the real world. One such story involves the team representing at negotiations and a duel on behalf of a young woman who, after going out with some friends, was drugged and then forced into an engagement. When the slimeball man laced her drink and proposed, she did not say no, which he took as agreement. This narrative is an allegory for sexual assault, with the man drugging her drink and then taking her lack of ability to say no as consent. Kaeruda changes this structure slightly to being a woman forced into engagement instead of unwanted contact, which is understandable; these are delicate topics.

The main villain and story arc take more of a central state role here than in the first volume, which saw the antagonist act in the background as a driving force for Tanya to seek her revenge. It starts when Lillium gets invited to the palace for a party, which includes a side plot about the disparity in men’s and women’s fashion and footwear culminating in Laplace, still acting under the pseudonym Stone Cold Stunner, kneeling to present Tanya with a ring (gay).

While at the palace, the girls learn of the court grand mage Maxwell. He has served for the past 300 years as a dominant force in the country, manipulating it to become a sexist society where women are mistreated and forced to conform to unfair standards, all to sate his inferiority complex. More importantly, Laplace confesses that he is her father, who abused and experimented on her for his gain. When some of Maxwell's misdeeds finally caught up to him, he framed and imprisoned her. However, encouraged by Tanya’s ability to stand up for herself (and the love shared between the two), Laplace is finally able to face him.

The second half of the book features the epic showdown between Lilium and Maxwell. It is satisfying and grand; however, I, unfortunately, had a few issues with it. For one, while the battle has an excellent flow and builds during it, there is not much time for Maxwell to be established as a complete and motivating adversary, making some of the payoffs feel unearned. It is also hard to track Maxwell’s motivations and various schemes, he is making an immortal bride army cloned after Laplace, but he also wants to use her blood to create immortality, and he is going to drain all the mana in the city FullMetal Alchemist style. There is just a bit too much coming at the reader too fast for it to stick.

Fortunately, there are plenty of aspects in this light novel deserving of love and praise. The humor is spot-on; it is outrageous, profane, and injected with just the right amount of meme culture. Laplace proclaiming, “We’re not in trouble yet! This isn’t even my final form… I still have 530,000 more phases to go!” is outrageous but also profoundly in character for the confident sorcerous. The most excellent bits of comedy always involves the absurd amount of power the women of Lilium have. Whether they are taking over a jail cell and redecorating it with posh furniture, sneaking a midnight snack from the emperor’s refrigerator, or punching the living mana out of some sexist pig, there is always such a sense of fun and adventure, not to mention female empowerment!

Another huge positive for this volume is that it expands outwards with a few more interesting side characters, such as the princess Arianora, who is a vital part of the grand battle with Maxwell. It even features a few male characters that are not complete evil bastards, one of my few complaints about the first volume. Tanya reflects on her surprise when she meets a man who is as inspired by Lilium as the many young women in the novel, saying, “Male or female, it doesn’t matter. The circumstances of your birth should never deter you from following your heart.” That sentiment is quality feminism, and I adore its inclusion.

Additionally, the returning minor characters get some more love in this volume. Nadine uses some of her secret assassin skills to dismantle opponents and sexist traditions with frightening speed. She has a few scenes devoted to her acting without Tanya or Laplace, making her a dynamic character for the occasional B storyline. Katherine Foxxi, a minor antagonist from the first volume who, after being shown kindness by Nadine and realizing her greatest desire is to help people, joins Lilium and frequently accompanies Nadine on her quests. This B team has some of the best moments in the novel, such as when Katherine chooses to fight Maxwell, giving Nadine the chance to slip away in a dramatic and thrilling sequence. However, there are too few moments when all four women work together at one task, which somewhat destroys the idea that they are one team of equals, especially considering how much more powerful Tanya and Laplace are from the others.

Volume 2 takes steps away from the possible love triangle I predicted in my review of Volume 1. While there were initially romantic inclinations between Nadine, Tanya, and Laplace, Kaeruda pulls back Nadine’s involvement with the two, leaving the magi-knight and sorceress most of the romantic moments. These scenes are never exessive or grotesque and usually consists of the two embracing or holding hands. While the characters make a few more sexual jibes and speak of kissing, deeper physical contact between characters is minimalized. This censorship is both an upside, as it allows for a greater focus on the plot, and a detriment, as characters are clearly romantically involved, but the reader is told this more than they are shown it. There are, however some choice nuggets of Yuri goodness such as the ring scene previously mentioned and Tanya inspiring Laplace to stand up against her abusive father. Of course, having too many sexual moments may undermine the point of Sexiled, so I ultimately applaud Kaeruda on the restraint.

While I have minor grievances with many pieces of the light novel, the positives vastly outweighed the negatives. Unfortunately, there is one aspect of Sexiled that I cannot reconcile, the illustrations. The opening full-color pieces of artwork are adequate. Still, within the book, readers are too often greeted with atrocious sketches with inconsistent character appearances that often appear warped and stretched. Setting the poor quality artwork alongside Kaeruda’s fantastic script and Molly Lee’s excellent translation damns them that much harder, and so the illustrations detract significantly from the work.

Sexiled: My Party leader kicked Me Out, So I Teamed Up With a Mythical Sorceress! Volume 2 is another excellent and empowering female power fantasy. While it makes minor missteps in its pacing and artwork, the hilarious and thoughtful narrative will leave readers feeling emboldened and affirmed. This volume cements Sexiled as one of the greatest light novel series I have ever read and an absolute must-read for all fans of the medium, and frankly many of its detractors too.

Ratings: Story – 9 Characters – 9 Art  – 3 LGBTQ – 5 Sexual Content – 3 Final – 8

Review copy provided by J-Novel Club

Check out Sexiled Volume 2 digitally today: https://amzn.to/35ZObR2 (Affiliate Link)

[illusionlockarchive]

romeos huge rant on comedy, horror, and how they interlap

ok, so. full disclosure, what got me to make this post was this joke post right here.

so the initial premise is funny, haha okay. yeah. oh youre a kid and your punishment at school is that you have to stay at a room full of wasps. its funny because its absurd. it couldnt happen irl. youd think it wouldnt happen irl. youd hope so.

the thing about comedy and horror though? is that they actually operate on very similar concepts.

and that is, the absurd. the uncanny valley. what youre expecting the least. what youre not seeing and not registering. jumpscares are effective if at least to get you to jump, even if they are cheap. meanwhile, jokes where they completely twist your expectations to get you to laugh do the same thing.

it may be hard for you to believe me, but in the end, the bad ending of tattletail is the other side of the same coin as a joke that goes “i swallowed a tablet with some water. everyone on the apple store was terrified of me.”

i have not read the wasp story, but i can guaranteee you, i CAN imagine it being scary, if the right tones are used and suspense is built up nicely. with the right twists and turns, knowing when to keep things quiet and when to blow things out of proportion.

OR it can end up being unintentionally hilarious, if the characters in it are way too cliche to be real and feel more like caricatures of teachers and students, if things are rushed and details lose their meaning and value, if we are just to focus on being an audience watching a kid get chased around by a swarm of wasps, instead of putting ourselves in their place.

im neglecting to mention something though. horror is not the TRUE other side of the coin to comedy. no, thats tragedy. and im sure many more people have heard of that. the two masks used in theater, one happy, the other sad.

and now we come to two very interesting modifiers. im sure youve heard of the term ‘horror comedy’ to refer to a subgenre of horror that does have jokes and silly things still happening, and may not take itself all that seriously. but why is it a specified subgenre? because MOST horror is tragedy.

this is why, despite liking many horror games or even stories, in the end i still dont consider myself someone who actually likes horror as a general genre. most horror focuses on the seriousness of the faults of humans, on our fragility, on all we can lose or are even bound to lose, on the fear that what we feel so confident about having close to us can be snatched away in a second, that our sense of reality can crumble. most horror? doesnt end well.

comedies in general tend to focus on the absurdity of life, on how many silly, strange, or even uncanny situations can happen that can challenge us, but not in a harsh way, but in a way that, despite so many bad things happening, we still get to point and laugh it off and be okay at the end of the day.

literally, all it takes for a tragedy to become a comedy, and vice versa, is a tonal shift. when i told of my idea to create this post to my boyfriend, he backed me up, and told me “the difference between horror and comedy is in the soundtrack and silly sound effects”. hes right.

of course, there are things that you should have the decency to not laugh at, still. to keep your mouth shut and know when to reject. but good comedy knows how to stray away from that, and good tragedy knows how to handle it respectfully without making it torture porn.

so, as horror hinges on tragedy, on the fear that we all know we must face in our lives, because a scream is as natural as laughter, so horror comedies are born as an interesting paradox.

a year or so ago, i got the opportunity to watch the banana splits syfy movie. i was a huge fan of the banana splits as a kid, and would often watch their reruns. those silly furries meant a lot to me. but im not stupid, i know thats a horror movie, i went in kinda knowing what to expect.

it was a gore fest, and for about two or three nights i had trouble getting to sleep. i wasnt actually scared of my childhood friends in animal costumes, as i knew how absurd and irrational my fear was, but just the images of the massacre being fresh in my mind were enough to send me into a panic if i lingered for too long, which can happen, you know, when youre about to sleep.

(TW FOR DESCRIPTION OF A MANS DEATH AND GORE, IF YOURE SQUEAMISH JUMP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH)

i think a scene that perfectly blurs the lines between comedy and tragedy, as well as just plain horror in it, is the scene where a man gets killed by being put in a magicians box and sliced in half as a ‘magic trick’ by fleegle, the dog. as he pleads for his life, and his soon to be wife watches in horror and pleads for the robot dog to stop (yeah theyre robots in this, weird), fleegle continues to slice him in half and blood spurts out, until he is dead, and fleegle just happily and proudly showcases what he has done, as if he just did a real magic trick.

(END TW FOR DEATH AND GORE DESCRIPTION)

watching that was horrifying, of course it was. but at the same time, it was what i wanted and expected when i thought about “banana splits horror movie”. fleegle just did something completely absurd and entirely uncalled for. and what doubles the uncaniness of it is that it was supposed to be something harmless, a magic trick. think about this if it was in an adult swim cartoon. the same thing could still happen, but be treated as just a weird, gross joke. fleegle could even swear, say ‘heres your fucking magic trick damnit! oh you dont like it, well i quit!’ n then throw his hat on the ground and step on it.

they are essentially the same scene, but the cartoon version of it is presented in a way that shows full on just how absurd and unexpected it is, without any seriousness to it, probably without any moody music to accompany it. meanwhile the movie one focuses on the fear, grief, and horror of putting us in the shoes of a woman who just watched the man she loved be killed, with the shots being extra impactful.

in the end, the banana splits syfy movie is a horror comedy though, because most of the movie is spent finding the most creative, absurd, borderline funny ways for people to be killed off. as you watch it along, you dont know whether to laugh at the weirdness and absurdity of the events or to genuinely feel grief and fear over the bodies piling up.

i could also just go over a million other examples available to me right now. in fact, as of the time im writing this, i have the latest vinesauce corruption stream pulled on youtube. during corruptions, the most bizarre and absurd things happen, and often times, things get scary. we see the video game characters we love be deformed and twisted in ways that you can only imagine hurt, but they still act as if thats normal! so you cant help but laugh.

earlier today, i watched a gameplay video of bonbon. its a short horror game, with a very... different antagonist. i wont spoil much, because, i dont want to deter people from buying it. but i will say, there is a reveal at the end, which slaps you in the face with the realization that you have been played for a fool all along, and the developers would probably laughing at you if they saw you after youve beat the game. its a joke, and the fear that they cultivated so lovingly, is the punchline. your fear becomes a punchline. to me thats one of the highest forms of blurring horror and comedy, and one i prefer to some more gory and harsh attempts.

and i mean, i have to mention fnaf here, dont i? its a great example too, particularly because, if you look at the games by themselves, they generally take themselves pretty seriously as horror stories, minus a few odd cases or references. but they just have enough wiggle room that, if you look at them from afar, as an audience, you can take these characters youre supposed to be afraid of, and have fun with them, because it is pretty damn absurd, and even funny at the end of the day, that youre expected to be afraid of essentially big, robotic childrens toys. and thats when many fun, fan renditions that focus on lighthearted situations pop up. vanny herself is pretty funny even! the idea of a person who dresses up in a full fursuit to do crimes is pretty hilarious.

all in all, i think i just really appreciate how horror and comedy can converse with each other and how that says something about how we, as humans, are easily made impressed, made to be surprised and shocked, to jump or to laugh. and we are always looking for that thrill, it just depends on if youre looking for laughs or screams.

so yeah, maybe ‘wasp room’ can be a pretty good story. is it a horror story or a comedy? we wont know until we read it. (also if you made it to the end reading this holy shit i love you , i fully recognize i talked way too much)