#same with athletism or track and field or whatever those things are called

[franchufeuillassier]

seven... SEVEN LEAGUES?????? do you sleep

anon stop making it sound like a lot its not that much 😭😭😭😭

[jjaeong]

And If I Still Have Feelings, Will You Accept It This Time? (Triple Threat Confessions).

Series:  KPOP Girl Group: 이달의 소녀 (LOONA).

Pairing: Kim Hyunjin & High School Student/Idol Female Reader.

Summary: Y/L/N Y/N was never the center of attention when she was a student, she was never really recognized by her peers because she blended in so well in the academy—until news broke out after their graduation that she was debuting as a soloist under a big company. With that, Y/N’s name grew into the entertainment scene, her songs topping the charts—even having enough credit to be called in to guest MC for a KCON event, which the idol did not even think twice about accepting. As rumors of Y/N being assigned to the Global Girl Group LOONA’s event, both artists’ fans were thrilled with the interaction. Well, you could say other than Y/N and LOONA’s second member Kim Hyunjin—who blatantly had confessed to having feelings for the soloist before they she had debuted.

“You’re looking again, Y/N-ah? Really? You do know about the dating rumors between her and Jeon Heejin.. Right?”

Your eyes stayed glued on the view outside the window, chin resting on the palm of your hand as you continued to watch the Track team jog down the field—particularly on the laughing brunette who won’t stop smiling to herself while she pushed a few of her teammates, teasing her for some reason you could only wonder about. The girl made a turn around the track so your view of her flushed features were blocked, giving you the opportunity to scan the field for the figure that usually lingers somewhere around the area. And there she was, impossible to miss—stunning visuals even from your view through the window of the fourth floor, Jeon Heejin, on her phone as she talked to her friends and a few followers flocking around her.

She didn’t seem to be paying attention to her best friend at all, almost as if she just decided to drop by and talk to the Track Athlete—who also doubled as the second member of the idol’s recently debuted girl group—before leaving and continuing about her day, coming back after classes to walk home with the girl.

“Seriously, if I was Kim Hyunjin I would be worried that you’re my Sasaeng or something..”

“Will you cut it out? She’s just watching—God, you act like Y/N is obsessed with her. Everyone’s acting like they’re obsessed with Kim Hyunjin and Jeon Heejin!”

They were right about one thing though, about everyone being obsessed over those two, you couldn’t entirely understand it but you had guessed that everyone suddenly wanted to be friends with the two because they were idols. But through your eyes, they were just like you—just two girls finishing their last year in High School, and excluding the fact that none of your schoolmates knew that you had already signed a contract that locked you into the idol life after you’ve graduated. But some of your closest friends knew, and the said close “friends” being ITZY’s Shin Ryujin—who was actually the one that told you about being friends with the two, and endlessly raved about them as you mentioned that you were schoolmates.

All of this happening while these girls around you, these "friends" of yours who knew nothing about how you’d cover it up to them that your late night expeditions were just cram school but in reality—it was actually practice. 

Though watching this was insane to you, the sudden spike in recognition—people they’ve never talked to acting like they’ve been friends forever, being pulled to the side for a picture, all the attention they’ve never had suddenly there because.. They became a figure. You could say that you were watching the two not because you were in awe, but rather—taking notes, what to do and what not to do, and you were learning a lot. And with the information you gathered, you’ve concluded that Kim Hyunjin and Jeon Heejin really are good people, but for now at least—you didn’t want to be associated with them. 

Just for the entire potential pre-debut drama that might come with it after you’ve debuted.

“They’re really pretty.” you commented, just to entice whatever reason it was for your classmates trying to converse with you for. They were never really your friends, and definitely are not after the continuous spiteful remarks they’d pitch in whenever they’d hear about the two idols.

It wasn’t that you hated these girls, but you just can’t be friends with people that are overpowered by envy.

“Of course they are, they’re idols, Y/N. Ugh, whatever—I’m going back to my seat.” you didn’t even bother to check if they actually had left, but you just kept your eyes locked on Kim Hyunjin who was now sitting on the field. You continued to observe until your teacher entered the room, which made you tear your eyes away from the scene to stand up to greet her along with your classmates.

Completely missing Kim Hyunjin’s piercing gaze directed on your figure through the window from the field.

“Come on! Aren’t you the least bit excited? You’re debuting in three days!” 

You had stayed in school for a bit longer after being called into the faculty, your adviser reminding you about the award that would be given to you in the ceremony for your debut date—asking you if you were still going to go for it, and congratulating you along the way. And just as you were slipping your shoes on, Ryujin called to suddenly bombard you with congratulatory messages—all while you can hear the speakers behind her blasting ITZY’s songs which had meant that the girl was currently practicing, but decided to call you through her break.

As if you weren’t going to get Tteokbokki later once she’s finished, something about it being an advanced celebration for both of you graduating and your own debut day—because you would both be too busy on the said date.

“I’m too hungry to think about that right now, you know how I’ve been on diet since last week's photoshoot—this is the only time my manager said it’s okay to eat whatever I want..”

“He’s scared of me, as he should be. I’ll beat him up if you pass out in the practice room again..”

“Seriously, Ryujin you are—”

“Kim Hyunjin!” you stopped just before the entrance of the building, tentative steps pulling you closer to the side of the building. The back of an unfamiliar schoolmate of yours was the first image that had greeted you as you peeked—making you clamp a hand on your mouth, stepping away from their view once you saw the dark look casted on the face of the track-suit wearing idol who looked down at the girl with the yellow letter in hand.

“Please accept my feelings, Kim Hyunjin!”

Your heart hammered heavily in your chest, quickly tapping the red button on the screen of your phone—something that you can only apologize to Ryujin for later, but that isn’t important right now. As of the moment, you knew you weren’t supposed to be lingering—you should be willing yourself further to leave the area because this was something private, it was a situation that can only be resolved by the two people involved, but all you could think of was that..

You wouldn’t know how to deal with this either, this was a girl and—it wasn’t entirely wrong for idols to have same sex relationships because even the opposite would be considered a scandal. If Kim Hyunjin were to accept this.. If she were to even consider this.. Right now just when she had just debuted..

“Why?” Hyunjin’s cold voice pierced through the silence, the tone even making your own heart drop but your mind quickly raced to find an explanation you would use if you were in the idol’s place.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to sound so harsh—I just can’t be in a relationship right now, I’ve just started my career..”

“I—well, you’re cool! And you’re pretty! You like the things I like—”

“I’m really sorry, maybe we could at least be friends?”

“No! There’s more! There’s..” the girl pulled her phone out to show Hyunjin something, making the idol lean a bit closer to stare at whatever it was and from the way her lips pulled into a frown—it was something that had made her even more upset, somehow, “I went to your first fan signing event, and look—even the 1/3 one too! Look, if you would just give me a chance—”

“And that’s enough for you to say you love me?” your fingers clenched around your phone at the dry laugh Hyunjin let out, your patience wearing thin as the idol continued to push the poor girl. The girl stammered for a moment, making you slightly peek to find a look of disbelief on Hyunjin’s face—not at all seeming to be mocking the girl but actual concern, as if she wanted to actually get into the root of why she had confessed in the first place.

For a moment, once you heard her dry laugh—you thought that the girl had really lost it, with her idol mask dropped. But how she had carefully stared at the girl, how her fingers seemed to dig themselves into the hem of her jacket.. She was worried.

“You only love me.. Because I’m an idol?”

“Stop—I didn’t say that! You’re putting words into my mouth—why are you being such a bitch!?” Hyunjin visibly flinched at the sharp tone of the girl who fumed at her statement, making you also tense up in your spot.

This.. This isn’t supposed to be how it’s supposed to go. The unknown girl was just supposed to walk away crying, something along those lines but not hate on the girl—she says she loves her but.. This isn’t..

“Your name is Yoon Jiyeon, right?” the idol asked, inhaling deeply as the toxic girl stayed silent—giving Hyunjin enough time to straighten herself and give her a polite smile, “Jiyeon-ah, thank you for being my fan. But I think you should consider how you treat people first, be kinder to them—because if you end up actually liking someone, and this is exactly how you treat them.. Jiyeon-ah, you’ll end up alone.” you could feel the blood draining from your face at Hyunjin’s unfiltered words, knowing that it was enough to put the final nail in her career’s coffin if it ever got out. 

And with the sharp sound of the girl’s hand connecting with Hyunjin’s cheek, your phone dropped in your hand and the sound made Hyunjin’s vacant eyes snap to yours, which quickly widened as she realized that it was you.

“I got that all on voice record—I knew this would happen, say goodbye to your career Kim Hyunjin!” the girl sneered at Hyunjin before turning to leave, which made her face you—the annoyed look on her face flashing into shock for a moment, until it snapped back to annoyance once more.

“What are you looking at, loser? Get lost!” she hissed as she walked closer to you, aiming to walk past you as your eyes stayed locked on the phone she shakily held in her hand.

What were you thinking?

“Yah! Give it back!”

You should’ve just minded your own business.

“No—How dare you humiliate me! You bitch!”

You just wanted to watch, like the usual.

“Run!” you felt a hand grab yours, dragging you away from the girl and the crushed phone by the side of the wall as your feet did it’s best to keep up with the speed of the girl that pulled you past the school gate—with the girl that you both had just left screaming as she practically pulled her hair out. The burning in your thighs didn’t cease, your head turning to face the image of the girl you had always watched from the fourth floor window—smooth dark brown strands of hair lightening just as the sun setting in front of you two caressed them, the cold evening slowly creeping in but that didn’t matter at the moment.

You just ran, wherever the girl was leading you through the side-walk with her laughter in the background—you just followed.

“..I can’t believe that just happened!”

She’s even more prettier up close.

“I really thought I was done for—you’re crazy, Y/N!”

Her voice.. How is it so soothing?

“I need to get a new phone..”

“Ah—give me a second,” you looked back at Kim Hyunjin who was now sitting next to you on the bench outside of the ice cream store, both of you holding onto a popsicle that was her treat as she fished something out of her pocket, reaching over to grab your free hand and place your phone which now had a cracked screen on it. You frowned at the sight which made Hyunjin laugh, leaning back on her seat as she looked across the street and to the view of the sun setting over the river—her eyes moving back to your figure as you sighed in relief when the device seemed to still be working, opening a series of spammed messages which you quickly replied to.

Hyunjin wondered who the contact name Ryujin was.

“I’ll get you a new phone on my next paycheck.” your alarmed eyes quickly snapped to Hyunjin’s unbothered ones, making you shake your head as the sides of her lips almost pulled into an amused smile—but she had stopped herself.

“That’s not necessary—I was actually on my way out when I decided to snoop around, It’d make me feel bad if you’d think this is your fault..”

“So? Feel bad then.” you gaped at the bluntness that came from the idol, not expecting that she wasn’t all cookie cutter—even with how she handled the girl from earlier, she didn’t have to act like this with everyone.. Or can she?

“Y/N-ah, you’re from class 1B right?” Hyunjin asked nonchalantly, as if you didn’t really have to reply because she knew everything already. Though it almost felt that way, you can never be too sure so you just nodded—looking at the scene in front of the both of you. 

She didn’t really need more people staring at her at this point.

“This might sound stupid, since Heejin and I’s name’s are practically always mentioned during every assembly but—I’m Kim Hyunjin. Nice to finally meet you.”

Finally?

“How did you know my name? Hyunjin?” Hyunjin didn’t reply for a moment, so you turned to check up on her—apparently, she was just caught up staring at you before she blinked, forming an ‘o’ shape with her mouth. Furrowing her brows and looking as if she was trying to remember where exactly she had heard your name from, and when she had finally recalled it—she smiled at you.

“I was checking out clubs when we first transferred, you were the only one in the music room and a member approached me before I could talk to you. There weren’t any meetings that day apparently, they told me your name.” you knitted your brows in confusion, not being able to recall a memory of her—other than when you started watching them from your window of course—but this was oddly surprising, that she had known you way before you knew her apparently.

“Did they tell you, or did you ask?” you bit a piece off of your popsicle, not really seeing the question as a serious one—just a simple way of getting to talk with her more, but since Hyunjin didn’t respond you decided to apologize and tell her it was a stupid question to ask. But before you could even speak, Hyunjin laughed—more to herself than at your question, making you look at the grin plastered on the girl’s face.

“This can’t be real..”

“What can’t be real?” Hyunjin looked at you, something meaning to be said deep behind her eyes which made her laugh again and rise from the seat, glancing down at her melting yellow popsicle as she stood in front you—the sunlight casting an orange glow at the gentle eyes that had directed themselves at your curious ones.

“What?” you pressed further, making Hyunjin lean over to get in eye level with you as you did your best not to slightly move back because the position somehow made you a bit uneasy.

“I asked,” Hyunjin answered, making you release a barely audible hum in reply—counting down the seconds until she could finally give you some space to think, but as Hyunjin’s grin got bigger when you avoided her gaze she decided to give you what you want. Leaning back to her height and staring at the road behind her, “because I thought you were pretty.” she shrugged, making you almost drop your popsicle in your hand.

“But then I started to look for you everywhere, you know—not just in school, but mostly in school. You’re really hard to look for, do you know that, Y/N?” you gripped the wooden stick in your hands as you tried to think of what to reply but Hyunjin got back down to your level, hands resting on her knees as she eyed your popsicle stick and her own before trying to get you to look at her.

“You’re always in your classroom, in lunch you barely stay in the cafeteria with your friends—I see you in the library, in the courtyard, but after a few minutes you’re moving to another place. Y/N, the year is already over and you’re still all over the place, around this time you should already be home—”

“I was in the faculty, my adviser said she needed to talk to me.” you mumbled, which made her raise her brow and sigh as she looked at you—who continued to refuse to meet her eyes. How was it that the girl you've been watching from afar since her debut—was actually watching you at the same time? Even before you had been watching?

“..right, but you do know what this means right?” you turned to look at the expectant gaze of the idol, an inquisitive look on her features as you stared back with an contemplative expression.

“You’re confessing to me?”

“Yup, I know it sounds weird but—I just feel it, and I don’t even know you that well so.. There has to be a reason, right? I was planning to confess in graduation too!” you sighed, looking away from the girl as she stood back up on the soles of her feet to finish up the remains of her half-melted popsicle as she waited for your reply.

“Is it.. Because I’m cool? I’m pretty? Because I like the things you like..?”

“Hey! That’s not fair—” Hyunjin’s heart fluttered at the sight of your lips pulled up into a grin, followed by a laugh at the recollection of what had just happened and how that was practically the most odd thing that had ever happened to you—other than being scouted to be a soloist for one of the biggest idol companies in the entertainment industry.

Which reminded you..

“I’m sorry,” the idol tensed in her spot, the light feeling in her chest slowly disappearing as your smile turned into a somber one, “You don’t deserve to have your career hurt for liking a person of the same sex as you are.” you stood up from your seat, eyeing the darkened sky before meeting the look of disbelief on Hyunjin’s face.

“Is it because you’re.. Straight?”

“What? No—it’s because you’re an idol—”

“So? You’re not, is it because I’m—"

“Hyunjin, please listen,” you had placed a hand on her shoulder which made the girl’s wry smile quickly wiped from her face at the sight of the look of frustration on your features, inhaling deeply before shaking her slightly, “it’s not that I don’t feel anything for you—but this is not the right time to be thinking about yourself. There are literal lives on the line if you let yourself have this—it’s not just you, not just your members.. But your team, your employees, your fans that only wish the best for you until you reach the top.”

“I have feelings for you, Y/N. Can’t you see that—”

“I can see that you do, Hyunjin. But,” you stared at your hand on her shoulder, trying to find the right words to say as she continued to stare at you in anticipation—no matter how much it had pained her, she had seemed to need to hear it from you unless she wanted to carry it with her until her last breath. Taking your hand off her shoulder and staring at her with a determined look on your face, meeting the clear dejection in her eyes, “not right now, this can’t be about us—because we’re almost there. We’re so close to reaching our dreams and.. We’d just both get in the way of that, you need to let this go.”

Hyunjin just stood there, staring at you as you reached for your bag on the ground—taking in a deep breath before meeting her eyes for the last time, thinking if you should say any more to the girl that stared at you with a blank expression on her face.

“You’ll achieve great things, Kim Hyunjin. I’ll see you around.” 

You stared down at the cue cards in your hand, biting the inside of your cheek before looking away from it to look through the windows and find your fans and LOONA’s fans excitedly waving at you—it was heartwarming to see, both of you and the group’s fans in such good terms under such bad weather conditions yet they still looked thrilled to be watching this unfold. The main MC stood next to you on the stage for an opening speech about the group as you plastered a small smile on your lips as she did so, completely clueless about the whirlwind of thoughts you were currently having at the memory that had played nonstop in your mind since your team had mentioned which group you were assigned to.

Ryujin’s cackles echoed through the memory as well, remembering how you had met her in the Tteokbokki place with distraught features—looking absolutely stunned as you sat there in front of her and told her what had just happened. And once it was publicly announced that you had gotten LOONA.. Maybe you shouldn’t have picked up that phone call from your best friend that had her laughing through most of your conversation, and she even called you earlier to wish you the best of luck—but to also laugh into the receiver as well.

Though you and Hyunjin had never spoken to each other since her confession, it didn’t stop you from giving her group your support. It wasn’t hard at all, they were great and you actually were into their concept accompanied by the lore—you even went out of your way on one of your lives to converse with your fans about their theories, and of course this had reached the members.

And with the members hearing about you, singing a few of your songs—Heejin mentioned that you did indeed come from the same school, that you were in the class directly in front of theirs. There were numerous questions directed at Hyunjin in that live as well but you were quick to leave the clip, not wanting to see if she had actually ended up hating you or whatnot. But as you went about your days, your fans hadn’t mentioned anything so you had guessed that the girl didn’t really speak much of you—which was great, that means that what happened that evening was just between the two of you and had involved no one else.

Though it did have you wondering if this was her purposely brushing the encounter off, if she had done this because she knew this would hurt both of your reputations—or she had really saw you in a different light, the opposite of how she had seen you back then. It didn’t matter now, really—idols have disputes, it happens, but in truth it would sting if it’s between you and Hyunjin. You were only looking out for the girl, you were more concerned about how she had seen her career than you had wanted to keep yours clean—you saw the surprised look on her face once you were crowded by paparazzi in the ceremony, she should’ve known your intentions were clear by then.

But if she ended up hating you for it, there wasn’t really anything you can do.

“Im Yeojin!” the MC announced as the nine other members stood on the sides, the Maknae waving in a formal manner to everyone and even going out of her way to walk over to you and shake your hand—which had you laughing in no time, shaking your head as the girl threw a heart sign at the camera before it was your turn to announce the next member.

Of course, it had to be you.

“Kim Hyunjin.” you couldn’t meet her eyes so you settled on looking down at the cue cards, hoping that both of your fans hadn’t caught up on your aversion by going through the words written in them just before the woman next to you announced Heejin’s name. You looked up from the cards in your hand, expecting to find Heejin already in place—only to directly look into Hyunjin’s eyes, making the both of you quickly look away from one another, with Hyunjin almost tripping on her own feet as she scrambled to stand next to a concerned Yeojin.

“Unnie, are you okay? You look pale.”

“Be quiet.” Hyunjin shushed the member, the mic catching the nervousness in her tone that echoed through the feedback of everyone’s earpieces—making her members glance at the girl just as they did their usual greeting before looking at the main MC who continued introducing the girls as you smiled at the camera.

“So how are you feeling right now Y/N? With this being the first time you’re guest hosting?”

“I’m a bit nervous, actually—it’s the cue cards that I’m afraid to mess up, I’ve always been a fan of LOONA so..” Chuu squealed from her spot while Yves grabbed onto Olivia Hye’s arm to start dramatically singing your most recent song, the intimidating girl making you flustered when she returned the girl’s energy. The members ended up trying to one-up one another for your attention—except for a silent Kim Hyunjin who had a small smile on her lips as she just nodded—so the main MC quickly asked them to take their seats before it got too much about you than the group. The event had passed faster than you’d expect it to, even though you and Hyunjin barely had any interaction—her members were too soft to ignore, they made your first hosting experience go smoother than you could have ever imagined it.

But if you thought you could easily slip out of the girls’ hold that fast, you should think again—because just before they were supposed to make their way to the dressing room to get ready for their performance, they were quick to engage a conversation with you which almost felt as if it would never end until their staff called for them. So you took this as your cue to leave, bowing before turning to head to the stage when you felt fingers wrap around your wrist—making you turn in your heels as you were dragged into a less crowded area in the set.

“What—”

“I still have feelings for you.” you choked when you met Hyunjin’s glare, your eyes locked on the idol who looked almost as if she sprinted from the dressing room the second she was done getting changed—because she had donned her stage outfit, contrasting her members that just lingered to talk with you.

“This isn’t the right time to be talking about this—”

“You told me to forget about it, right? But how can I do that if I see you everywhere, hear you everywhere—do you hate me this much? Y/L/N Y/N!?” Hyunjin’s grip tightened around your wrist but you didn’t wince, the image of the girl’s eyes slowly brimming with tears made you glance at the staff who passed by yet didn’t seem to see you two at all—so you made a move to shift the distraught girl even further out of view so you stood in a way that blocked her from being seen by anyone. Placing your hand on her own that were on your wrist to give her a calculated look.

“Don’t cry here.”

“It's still about them? After all these years you still don't think about yourself? Y/N—"

"I was watching you, before—the same way you did with me," you carefully told her, watching her angered expression slowly turn into a look of confusion as you felt her fingers loosen around your wrist. A small smile on your lips as you scanned her features, "after that evening, I found myself doing the same thing you did—with looking for you everywhere."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Hyunjin grumbled, sniffling as you melted at the sight, even though it was a painful scene to watch. Reaching over to tilt her head up so her tears don't smear her makeup, she looked even more confused but still let you place your fingers on her chin.

"I guess you can say that your confession made me realize that I wasn't only watching you because I wanted to prepare myself for when I become an idol," you swallowed sharply, trying your best not to lose your train of thought at the sight of Hyunjin continuing to stare at you, "I think it's just funny how the first thing that came to my mind after I debuted was that I needed to talk with you. You know, after I told you to forget about it."

"Is this.. You confessing that you like me?" Hyunjin took your hand off her chin, holding it firmly as she squinted her eyes at you as if trying to see if you were kidding or not.

"Why? Does it sound like a setup? I'm trying to tell you I like you back, it took some time to think—"

"But you still won't date me?" you opened your mouth to reply as Hyunjin raised her brow, swiftly grabbing ahold of your neck to pull you closer to her and making you yelp, almost actually falling into her hold—but Hyunjin was strong enough to hold you both in place, the closeness of your faces making your mind flash back to that evening but also fully recognize how mature her face has gotten.

"But you still can't kiss me?"

"H-hey, I told you—I've just come into terms with liking you, you're pushing your luck, Kim Hyunjin—"

"You're the one pushing your luck, I've liked you for years and you think I'd just let you get away with acting like this?"

"Yah! Kim Hyunjin! Where did that girl run off to.." you had reflexively pushed Hyunjin off of you, making her stumble back as you turned to face a clueless Haseul who had her brows knitted—but as soon as she saw you her eyes lit up and a warm smile eased your flustered state.

"Y/N! Have you seen Hyunjin anywhere? She left the dressing room earlier looking a bit under the weather, but Vivi and Gowon are almost done.. If you see her can you—"

"I'm here, I'll catch up later." you felt your heart stop once Haseul's eyes moved from you to her member, to then move back to you—making her smile turn into a smirk before she nodded.

"Right.. Later." Haseul snorted before waving at you and meeting Heejin down the hallway who was complaining about Yeojin bothering her—the sight looking almost like a sibling fight.

"So.. Where were we?"

"Goodbye, Kim Hyunjin."

"What? No! You can't do this to me—I want my payback! Y/N!"

Long time no see, long time no see~

A week passed by too quickly, I thought I posted a few days ago—turns out it’s been a week and three days? But I’ve been very busy this week so it was honestly weird how I went in and out of the writing mood when I had so much on my plate, I wanted to write to relieve some stress but I guess it just frustrated me even more—it’s funny lmao.

New template! Do you guys like the inverted borders or.. Through my screen it looks better than the first one—maybe more cleaner? And I like it better because of that? Oddly enough when I changed it to the new one it reminded me of this version of Lightning Mcqueen.

 (Did I ruin the OS for you guys? Yes? Ok, sorry then—Lighting’s staying though lmao.)

Also, new template because I got into photoshop, and now there is no way you’ll ever see the gifs in non-high definition form no longer—I’ve also learnt how to color change objects in videos for my gifs, (and when I tell you guys that I’ve thought of another Jinsoul OS that I thought would be a cool concept.. I keep Jinsoul-baiting I’m so sorry, she just has the greatest ideas from me, she’s not even my bias but her power.) and I’ve also learned how to change the header colors in the actual color hex of the members. All that while I’m balancing my irl life in a span of a week! Still can’t believe that even on my free time—I’m still pushing myself to be productive.

Also! By the way—we’ve reached 100 you guys! And with that—a blog that I’ve binge read obsessively before I made this blog is part of you guys. I’m too shy to tag so if you’re reading this.. 

IreallyloveyourworkandIhopeyouwritemoreaboutloonabecauseIlovethemsomuchandIwentanononyourblogtorequestonceanditwasablackpinkonesoI’msureitgotthroughbecauseitwaswaybackwhenyouhadroséinblackpinkhouseasyourpfpthankyouforyourserviceIcan’tbelieveyouactuallyfollowedthisblog.

How about you guys, what have you been up to? Did the week pass by smoothly with you guys too? I really feel like something shifted in this week for some reason, but maybe that’s just me you know? But damn, you guys really grow fast don’t you? I remember feeling so shy when we just had around 10 but—you guys..! :(

I want to keep writing more for this blog, I have so many ideas yet it’s as if only time will tell when I’ll write it exactly the way I want it to.. Because fics like this was done in one seating and—I want to put more thought into it so it would be clearer! More expressions! But for now.. We can settle for this, yeah? At least we know she’s still writing, that’s a place to always start.

Laters (hopefully for not more than a week again),

JJ.

>ovc: loonatheworld (170329)

https://youtu.be/o25-mCo2RkM

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[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (9/?)

Summary:  “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 

Link to cross-postings: AO3

The oval stretched out in front of him, much wider than his range of vision but Levi felt no need to look around him and take in the whole view. It was the largest oval in his city and having been one of the more active high jumpers the past five years, he had been there enough to memorize it inside and out.

That particular day, instead of being out there in the field doing warm up jumps like he had been for the past decade of his life, he was on the bleachers, a few seats away from the front. He was merely a part of the audience, an oddly surreal experience. For years, Levi had never given the audience a passing thought after all. His world during those few hours on the track had consisted of the bar he had to jump over, the jumper before him, his coach and teammates on the bench and maybe some the interviewers who would flock to him after the medal ceremony.

Although he had gone to that track so many times before, somehow it felt like he was experiencing it for the first time.

He was unprepared as well. Levi found himself pushing his hands farther into his hoodie huddling for whatever warmth it could afford him. Possibly it was the long days he had spent indoors that had made him unready for how cold mid autumn could actually be.

The past two weeks leading up to that particular night, Levi had not left the comforts of Hange's apartment much aside from for the occasional check up or regular therapy session. When he wasn't writing or making sense of new dreams, he spent most of his days catching up with schoolwork or trying to help around her apartment even with his injury.

With the long hours he had spent indoors, he was almost sedentary in comparison to the twice a day training and it was a drastic change. As he watched the other athletes warm up on the track, he was unable to fathom how he had survived long ago in light athletic wear. He started to wonder how much he had changed. If his knee wasn’t casted or buckling at the slightest weight, if he had a perfectly good knee just like a few weeks ago, would he have still been able to jump.

Was that sudden sensitivity to the cold he was feeling a product of his psyche or did his body just suddenly get weaker due to his long stint indoors?

To think I used to actually win these events. With the disbelief that came with that passing thought, Levi suddenly remembered why he had hesitated to join them in the first place. Everything from the atmosphere, to the warm up jumps found a way to hurt him. The few whispers he could hear from his place on the bleachers about the Ackerman kid, who had achieved a college record less than a year ago suddenly sidelined for life, were reminding him why exactly he had cooped himself up in the first place.

At first, he had attributed a huge chunk of that to the healing process, the writing process and the general lack of necessity to go out. At that moment, he was watching athletes do the jumps he knew how to perfectly execute yet was sure he would never be capable of doing again. At the same time, he was listening to whispers that could have been very much about him with the smatters of conversations on knee injuries and wasted talent.

He had looked towards Hange for comfort, an almost instinctive movement. Ironically, that movement had him rubbing more salt on his already reopened wounds. He had ended up watching Hange fall so easily to a state of a daydream and Levi did not need to look back at the oval to know why. She was watching the athletes go through the motions of the jumps.

He recognized that same look to be the one she had given Elijah and those athletes on her instagram feed. He would have given a lot to be able to go back to the Levi of a few weeks ago, the Levi who had been the subject of her hyper fixations. The inevitability of time had him hating himself a little more.

Levi cleared his throat in an attempt to swallow the lump that had settled there and willed himself to look back at the field. The temptation to space out was strong.

He had decided on watching the high jump event for a reason though and he was determined to make it worth it.

                               A Tale of Two Slaves

"Mike and Nanaba?” Levi repeated. The names flowed out of his mouth so smoothly so easily as if he had said those names many times before. Of course, he knew them. They were the subject of Hange’s case study years ago, the one he had read in preparation for meeting Hange.

“Mike Zacharius and Nanaba Briete,” Hange repeated. “Two friends from high school. They’re both participating in the high jump event so I thought of watching."

Mike and Nanaba. As Levi soon found out though the names weren’t cold to his tongue. They didn’t feel as stiff or professional despite their clear origins from an academic paper. It was almost second nature for Levi to attach faces to both of their names.

And that had been a breakthrough at that moment. For the past few days, he had been struggling to dream something different. Ever since Hange had given him a dream catcher, the dreams with Erwin and Hange had surprisingly been clearer and those scenes he had pictured had so easily flown from mind to paper, particularly his dreams to see the outside wall, his drive for atonement, his heroic sacrifice. It had also made him familiar with more subtle things like the long hours he had spent in the office, the amount of time he had spent joined to Erwin’s hip as his right hand man, and the trust he had put on him all the way until the end of his life.

He had squeezed what he had taken out of every memory and every dream and suddenly one day, he woke up to find himself completely intimate with that dream Erwin. Yet the story wasn’t complete, he just had to find inspiration elsewhere.

In an attempt to support him, Hange had been doing her part too to invite him out when she could.

She had suggested movies, shopping or dinner out. Levi could see behind it though and knew Hange would have preferred hiking, park hopping or working out. Not wanting to settle for bland ideas, they probably would have both slogged through, Levi declined all of them despite Hange’s insistence.

Ironically, her mention of plans to watch his college track and field event of all things had been an exception. "I'll come with you," Levi said without thinking.

Hange frowned in concern. “You sure?”

“Why? You don’t want me to come?”

Hange shook her head. “It’s not that…. I’m just surprised that you seemed a little too eager. I talk watching something like that might be torture for you.”

“I haven’t gone out in so long. I’m fine with anything at this rate.”

“We could start with a trip to the mall? Or we could go out for dinner?” Hange lightly suggested.

“I wanna get to know your friends too,” Levi said.

Hange raised one eyebrow at him as she eyed him a little too suspiciously. “You never seemed like the type to actually enjoy meeting new people.”

Levi avoided her gaze. If it were any other friends, he probably wouldn’t have cared enough to leave the comforts of Hange’s apartment. In fact, meeting his classmates and having face-to-face classes were a burden he was happy to avoid. Those names which Hange had mentioned, the faces that suddenly clicked in his brain, which were further confirmed by a quick google search had him all the more invested. “Nanaba and Mike seem like interesting people,” Levi finally admitted.

Her reaction was unexpected to say the least. Levi found himself practically jumping out of his seat in shock at the explosion of laughter that came out of your mouth. “Why the hell are you laughing?”

Eventually, her laughter did die down but Levi wasn’t counting the seconds until it did. He had been too busy enjoying the way her eyes crinkled and her nose wrinkled as she smiled. “Wait ‘til Nanaba and Mike hear this. The quiet antisocial guy who beat them out of first place every single fucking time is actually interested in getting to know them

“Wait. I went against them?”

“Aaaaand you don’t even remember.” Hange flailed her hands up exaggeratedly. “I should have known.” She shook her head. Her voice still had the remnants of the loud laughter of a while ago and she didn’t look like she would be getting rid of that playful demeanor anytime soon.

“And now you’re just making fun of me.

Hange wiped a tear from the side of her eye. “I’m sorry. I probably look so weird right now. I know I shouldn’t be acting like this.” As she put her hand down, she looked back up at him, her smile visibly wider than it was a second ago. “It just never dawned on me till now how weird it just feels. If I told my past self I’d be sharing an apartment with jumper extraordinaire Levi Ackerman, past Hange would have tried to slap some sense into me.”

Jumper extraordinaire Levi Ackerman. Somehow, Levi was recalling the way she had held his hands and stared at him, the first time he had laid eyes on her. I heard you’re the best one in the team… I’d love to see you in action. The glimmer in eyes and the excited tone in her voice that fluctuated between highs and lows with every syllable, it was the same as it had been then when she first called out to him.

Hange took a deep breath. “The tournaments were the only times Nanabe and Mike would visit this part of town so they’d invite me to watch every year…”

“And you watched it every year…” Levi didn’t need to confirm anything. It was all in her eyes.

As if she knew she had given it all away through her eyes, Hange quickly looked away. She had done nothing though to hide the pink in her cheeks. She probably couldn’t have done anything to hide it anyway. “When the super rookie Levi Ackerman scored an almost record breaking upset win…” Hange recounted so mechanically as if she were reading a headline. “I was in the crowd. And I never stopped following him since.”

And I never stopped following him since. The moment Hange said it, she dropped her shoulders to the side, so quickly and so eagerly, Levi wondered what kind of baggage she had been holding for her to look so free as she said those last words. His mind shifted elsewhere before he could ponder it any longer.

It was a long shot but Levi still found himself looking back, scrambling to recall his first every competition through lasting sensations from the cold breeze, the blinding lights and the cacophony of cheers mixed with announcers’ commentaries.

As if by some miracle, he remembered it. He remembered it as he mentally prepared for the most crucial jump. The bar was a good two meters up in the air. His legs were aching, his heartbeat was getting wilder. Before he jumped, he had glanced at the bleachers as the murmurs and cheers got stronger and consequently more difficult to ignore. On the bleachers, more specifically on the fifth row from the front, sat Hange. Her hair still as brown and untamed as always, her eyes held the same wonder it always had. And maybe a little surprise? That had been his first tournament after all.

He had only given her a passing glance then. Within a split second, she had blended with the scenery as he ran towards the bar. The jump that came quickly after was strong and exhilarating.

And as Levi landed on the cushion on the other side of the bar, welcoming explosions of gasps and wild cheers as he did, he couldn’t help but reflect on it.

Rookie Ackerman bags gold in the Regional Cup with record breaking height.

That first tournament jump had been life changing, inspiring. Possibly it was the jump that had paved the way to the years of victory that followed.

No sane athlete would have memorized the faces in the crowd. For him though, it felt criminal that he had only noticed it then as she admitted it to him herself.

She had been a part of that experience too.

                            A Tale of Two Slaves

Eventually, Levi did get tired of torturing himself. He knew the way to the barely used locker rooms in the building next to the oval and he seeked solace there. Somehow, he found it worth it to make a slight scene as he struggled to keep his balance and he maneuvered his crutches down the bleachers.

When he got to the empty locker room, with only the dark ceiling above him and silence, that made even the dripping of water deafening, he was able to forget the embarrassing and frustrating journey there. And within a few more minutes, he did forget the onslaught of emotion that had culminated into a wave of incomprehensible emotions, manifesting as demons in his head.

With a lack of stimuli to remind him of his reality, he was once again numb. And numbness tended to lead to dreaming. The old locker room was no place to fall asleep though and Levi found himself trying to focus on whatever faint stimuli could reach him as to stay rooted in his reality.

Faint cheers made their way into the dark room. Levi had watched more than enough jumps to know the cheers flowed with the movements, always at their loudest when the athlete is at their highest. Oddly enough, he had managed to drown out the cheers more easily when he was in the middle of them.

Although they were faint, they were still much louder and more rattling than Levi had ever experienced them to be. And the cheers did rattle him to the bone. His body shook every time the cheers reached their crescendo and he wondered if Hange was watching too. Was she screaming? He could imagine her cheers so easily and he found himself trying to pick it out among what could have been hundreds of other voices.

Her voice was unique, nostalgic, memorable. It should have been easy. But the cheers were too faint. Even in the silence, he found it difficult to split them into individual voices, let alone isolate one out of hundreds. He leaned back on the cold wall, slipped onto the floor and closed his eyes.

“Levi?”

Levi had assumed it to have been a dream at first. The voice he had been raring to pick out among the crowd was right next to him. He willed himself not to open his eyes for fear that the voice might just disappear.

That small voice had opened up to sounds of steps then the brush of cloth on tiles. He felt a warm hand behind him, pulling him gently away from the wall and the warmth of something around him. Levi let out a cough, only then, when the cold was replace by warmth, did he realize how chilly the room actually was.

“You can really sleep anywhere huh?" Her voice had been too near, right next to his ear. Her breath tickled his ear and brushed past his neck. Even before he realized it, he had opened his eyes, Levi was already returning the subtle smile Hange had given him.

“What were you dreaming about?” It had become routine for Hange to ask that question. Levi couldn’t blame her. When he was at his worst, sometimes that was the only thing he was willing to talk about.

“Nothing. I wasn’t sleeping. I was just thinking,” Levi answered. “How are the results?”

Hange shrugged. “You saw it yourself. Elijah grabbed gold in the vertical jump. Mike silver…” She paused for a second.

“So none of the other jumpers after them got higher scores?”

“They still didn’t beat your record from last season.”

“I don’t need that reassurance,” Levi said. “This would have been my last season anyway. I’m gonna graduate, find a job, forget this sport then find out some other kid beat my record in a few years.”

“Why did you leave after Elijah cleared the 2.3 meter bar then?” Hange didn’t at all sound like she had wanted to provoke him. Levi was certain all she had wanted were answers.

“Why were you staring at Elijah like that when he jumped?” As he thought back to the final straw that had made him stand up and brave the stairs and the whispers from the crowd just so he could leave the field mid tournament, he realized exactly why. Hange hadn’t even noticed the way her eyes lit up at him. Somehow, that was enough to have Levi shaking as he saw the confusion in her eyes.

“Staring like what?”

“Your mouth was wide open and your eyes were stuck on him.”

“I just got a little excited I guess. When I see jumps that high, sometimes I feel like I’m flying myself,” Hange said. “Or I dunno, I’ve never flown before but it’s just so easy to get lost in it sometimes.”

“Did you feel that same way? When I jumped?” Used to jump. Regret weighed on him. As the seconds ticked as he waited for her answer, that regret gradually took over and pushed at his chest, making it more difficult to breath. It had been that one movement after all, that impulsive and reckless decision that had him there in that dark unused locker room instead of outside in the tournament.

It was his last season anyway. He had consoled himself so many times before. But it wasn’t the season and the career-ending injury that had him heavy hearted at that moment. Impending retirement in sports loomed for most college athletes, especially in their senior year. Levi had prepared himself for it already.

At first, it had been the loss of that one unique sensation, the blue sky above him, and the his body detached from the earth for that split second, the loss of that memorable and unique experience of having both air and gravity as his enemy as he flew through the air with the wind blowing through his face as if executing their own plans to stop him. When the dreams returned and when he had started to write them out, eventually the weight in his chest lightened, replaced by another one.

As he spent more time observing Hange and talking to her in between her thesis writing and his own writing, he noticed it fester slowly. Only when his chest lightened, set free from that other weight, did it start to make itself known.

Hange never stopped watching jumps, turns, tumbles, runs and spins. Sometimes, she would turn on the tv in the living room to some athletic meet. Sometimes, she’d just be scrolling through her timeline, liking whatever inhumane stunts an athlete was showing her at that moment. She had those same raised eyebrows, that same gaping mouth, those same dilated pupils and that same glimmer in the eyes that he wished was just the glare of the screen.

And I never stopped following him since. Had she looked at him with that same expression? That same exact expression she had given Elijah? Would there ever be away to look back at those moments, zoom into her and look for everything from the raised eyebrows, gaping mouth, dilated pupils and that glimmer in her eyes?

Did you look at me that same way? That was all he had wanted to ask. Hange wouldn’t have known though.

“Of course I did.” Hange answered. Levi could only wish it were true. Without seeing that same expression, he would never know.

“But I’ll never jump like that again. So I don’t think you’ll get that from me anymore.”

I can get it elsewhere. Levi had prepared his heart for that reply. He was at least ready enough not to lash out.

“Because you offer other things,” Hange said. “These stories about Captain Levi and Hange Zoe… Commander Erwin Smith? When we’re up late at night and you start talking about those contraptions that get us flying through the air like birds? I don’t know if it’s the way you describe it or if it’s the passion in your eyes but… it’s like I could have been flying too.”

“You were flying.” And Levi held on to the image so tightly, that the words flowed too naturally out of his mouth. If he hadn’t been staring at the blank ceiling above him, recalling easily how she had tumbled and turned so freely in the air, he probably would have been conscious about how much of a madman he had sounded like.

Hange didn’t seem to mind though. “Even if just in my own dreams, it would be nice.”

The dim room only made the transition from consciousness to unconsciousness a little easier. The coat over his shoulders and the warmth that it kept close to him didn’t help keep him awake either. His dim surroundings blurred into nothingness, the last two sensations he made out was the arm around his shoulder and the faint discomfort as he dropped his head onto what could have been a bony shoulder.

You were flying.

It was as if his dreams had heard the conversation of a while ago. Squad Leader Zoe, Commander Hange Zoe. Dreams of her came in snapshots, in crumbs that indulged all his five senses. The whizzing of cables, the explosion of gas, familiar yet distant screams of excitement, week old sweat.

Her greasy hair on his hands. Then Levi found himself on horseback, his and Hange’s faces were a little too close for comfort. It didn’t take much to remember why though.

She had said something about wanting to meet an abnormal titan and he was in the mood for jokes.

                                A Tale of Two Slaves

“Of all the years and tournaments you could have ditched, it had to be the tournament with my first ever golden medal performance.”

“Nanaba, I’ll make it up to you promise…”

“To think you’re the one who roped me into this sport in the first place…”

They had the whole taxi ride to start an argument. Levi was grateful at least the conversation only reached that topic when they were already in the elevator on the way to Hange’s apartment. Hange had prepared some hard drinks, some soft drinks, some chasers and a lot of water. He was sure that the argument with devolve into something a little less coherent and might actually fizzle out within an hour or so with the right cocktail mix.

He had gone through that same bout of adventure with his own teammates after all. Nanaba continued to talk her ear off while Mike and Hange cleared out the dining table. Levi sat on one of the chairs, making himself useful by opening up the bottles handed to him by Moblit.

“I’m gonna need something hard first. Imagining being awarded that gold medal then looking in the crowd for the person who inspired me to try high jumping in the first place.” Nanaba sat to Levi’s left pouring what could be a nauseating amount of gin into the cup and emptied it within seconds. “And lo and behold, it looks like you were hiding out with wonderboy here in one of the old locker rooms.” She turned to Levi. “So… What were you guys doing there?”

Oddly enough, Levi didn’t understand the question at first glance. It could have been interpreted as an innocent question. When he wasn’t taking into account the cat-like grin, the raised eyebrows and the wide-eyed gaze.

It was Moblit who confirmed her intention. He turned to Hange. “There isn’t anything between you and Levi though right?”

“No one needs to be in a relationship to do anything.” Mike added, begrudgingly wise words from the most quiet one in the room.

“Nothing really…” Hange sat next to Nanaba and poured her own glass of gin, mixing it with some soft drinks. “I just kept him company. And he fell asleep next to me.”

Nanaba turned to Levi, her cheeks much redder than they were a second ago. “You sure?” She cupped her hands over her mouth and whispered in a still very audible volume. “Blink twice if you need help.”

“I don’t remember much, I fell asleep.”

Everyone in the room jumped as Nanaba abruptly slammed her hand on the table. “And you just let your biggest fangirl get away with doing whatever she wanted with you huh?”

“Biggest… fangirl?” Levi asked.

Nanaba turned to Hange. “Don’t you have a folder of pictures of him on your phone?” She dove under the table. From where Levi sat he could only hear the frazzled protests of Hange.

“The pictures aren’t on my phone anymore!” Hange screamed.

“What pictures?” Levi asked, trying his best to ignore the slams and the sounds of struggle from below.

“We did go to all of your competitions.” Mike admitted. “They went for personal reasons… I went for my own research.”

Levi noted that Mike and Elijah tended to alternate second and third place between the both of them. According to Hange that is. He never looked beyond his own experiences and his own injury had made him all the more hesitant to research high jumping stats.

“That sounds reasonable.” Levi managed to say. Small talk had never been his forte. Especially when his conversation partner wasn’t leaving much opening to continue.

For a while they were both silent. “It’s a shame. You made the competition interesting. If this didn’t happen, you could have pushed the sport to new levels.”

“Accidents happen. Someone else will show up and do it,” Levi kept his voice toneless as if he were just rattling off a list of inevitable events. That probably was going to happen anyway. His current inebriated state just convinced him that it wasn’t worth pondering at that moment.

“Moblit! Keep my phone and Nanaba, just go the fuck to sleep already.” Hange’s tone and her face then that managed to be both cold and furious at the same time was terrifying. Maybe, because it was the first time he had ever seen her so angry.

“You’re one of my closest friends Hange…. Be happy…” Nanaba slurred.

Happy. Hange always seemed happy, barring that one sleepless night he did see her cry. At that moment though, Levi instinctively looked towards her, his brain somehow expecting to see a smile on her face.

Of course, with what happened just a while ago she wasn’t smiling. She pressed her phone onto Moblit’s hand and whispered something to him. She returned back and sat next to Levi, taking Nanaba’s seat of a while ago. “Well, I had pictures to be honest but just for a few months I guess? I mean I really liked your jumps and I wanted to keep them...”

“No. It’s nice to know I had a secret admirer.” No actually, Levi probably would have found it odd if it were anyone else. He was doing the equivalent of writing fanfiction about her and somehow, keeping a secret folder of photos of him seemed mild. Although she had mentioned deleting it, Levi found himself clinging to the hope that she might still have kept a few.

“Hange, Let me make it up to you,” A voice and a pair of arms came up from behind Hange and wrapped around both of their shoulders. Levi could smell the strong alcohol in them.

“Nanaba, I think you should go to sleep now…” Moblit said. He stood up and started to prepare one of the mattresses Hange had laid out on the side of the room.

“Make it up to me by going to sleep…” Hange mumbled visibly uncomfortable.

Nanaba ignored her. “Levi, could I ask you one favor?”

“What is it?” Levi asked, keeping his eyes fixed on the still half fall glass of tequila in front of him. He had only been taking only small and cautious sips after all.

“Could you kiss Hange?” Nanaba asked “At least, just a peck on the cheek?”

“Kiss?”

“Nanaba! Go. to sleep.”

Levi could hear the rattle of her chair and from his peripherals he could see Hange moving to stand up but before he could have even processed anything else, he felt a hand on his head, a slight push.

And within a split second, he felt wet lips, he tasted alcohol, he saw scenes and he heard voices.

Within another split second they were all gone.

Hange had gone red, he could see it in her cheekbones. She had her hand cupped to her mouth, her eyes wide with what could have been shock or embarrassment. As Levi felt the blood run through his cheeks and his incapacity to do anything but stare, he started to wonder what he had looked like.

“Weren’t you wondering how his lips tasted? During that one tournament?”

“That was a joke…” Hange said. She swallowed a lump on her throat and as she narrowed her eyes, Levi could see the beginnings of what could have been tears. Was it really a joke?

“Nanaba. Let’s get you to bed.” Mike appeared from behind Nanaba and guided her back to the mattress Moblit had prepared. He started whispering to Nanaba so slowly and gently, Levi almost admired him for his patience.

That exchange between Nanaba and Mike had only lasted a second. By the time Levi did look beside him, Hange was already gone and he could hear the door slam behind him.

Levi took a quick glance at both Moblit and Mike who were still trying to subdue an overly excited Nanaba before he stood up. Not bothering to even grab his crutches from the other side of the wall, he hobbled the few meter distance toward the door of her room.

“Hange?” Levi opened the door just wide enough to see it. She hadn’t locked the door at least.

“I still have the pictures on my phone.” She sounded apologetic. She sat at the foot of her bed, her face towards the ground. Levi could tell by the crack on her voice that she was in no mood to look up.

“The pictures of me?”

“I can delete them if you want. I know it’s creepy. I shouldn’t have taken so many during tournaments.”

“And you wanted to kiss me?”

Hange fell limply on the bed and looked up at the blank ceiling. She had looked like she was avoiding his gaze. “It was a weird passing thought. I mean, I know a lot of girls have those types of things but I guess it really is creepy when the person isn’t as big of a celebrity as boy groups or actors. But I’ve wanted to be an athlete since before I could remember. I wanted to jump, to see how it feels like flying through the air. And when I saw you jump, I swear you could have had wings on your back with how well you were able to control yourself up there. You made me feel like I could fly too and I guess I got a little obsessed and ended up thinking a lot of creepy shit. I know it’s weird and I sound like a stalker…”

“No it’s not. I still have the stories about you. I’m just as weird,” Levi looked towards the wall, a gesture of respect for Hange who looked like she was in no mood to look at him.

“But, you only started writing them after we met.”

“But the stories are so detailed, it’s embarrassing,” Levi said. “if I made you feel so strongly about this, you felt obsessed enough to sneak pictures. Just remember, you made me feel things too. And these things I felt, ended up making me write. And I’ve never written in my life.”

“How did I make you feel?”

“Like I could fly too.” His dreams could attest to the fact that he wasn’t lying. Levi chose that moment to look at her and their eyes locked even before he consciously tried to follow her gaze. She had lain on the bed, looking more relaxed than a second ago.

Hange scooched over. Levi noticed then with the slight movement that his right knee was starting to ache, having taken the load of all his body weight as he hobbled.

Her scooching over could have been a subtle movement more than anything but with his aching legs, Levi decided the risk was probably worth it. He approached the bed on the side Hange had opened up. “I thought of stuff I wanted to write... Nanaba and Mike were in those dreams too. For a time we would go out for drinks after a long day of training. Meat was hard to come by but sometimes, we would have the budget to blow on a plate of meat and we’d share it. Erwin would be there too. And sometimes, they would joke that we bickered like a married couple.”

“You really built your whole world huh? What inspired you to think that up this time? The alcohol? Meeting Mike and Nanaba? Having our heads bashed together?

The kiss? The visions of the split second chose to remind Levi of their existence at that particular moment. “The kiss?” The words rolled off his tongue so easily and so fluidly.

“You don’t have to call it a kiss if you don’t want to.” We didn’t decide to do it. So technically it isn’t right?”

Levi had wanted to argue. Hange’s denial of that kiss only made his memories clearer and the emotions tied to them much stronger.

That peck had been satisfying, euphoric. It was a cathartic release of pent up emotions. Yet at the same time it had only lasted a split second. In that silent room, on the bed next to Hange, he had enough of a breather to reflect and maybe articulate that particular gesture. His feelings were strong enough to at least convince him to keep it as is. “It’s a kiss,” he said.

The silence stretched for what could have been eternity. “It’s a kiss then,” Hange said. “Did it make you feel anything?”

“I liked it.” Levi kept it to those three words. If he gave his mouth and his emotions free reign, he might just say something he would regret.

“Did you see anything? Did it inspire you to write something else about Captain Levi and Commander Zoe?” It was just like Hange to pull those words out of his mouth anyway.

“If they weren’t constantly fighting for their lives, they might have ended up kissing.”

“And you’re not going to write a kissing scene?”

“They didn’t kiss.” Of course, they wouldn’t kiss during the war. They were fellow soldiers, subordinate and superior, it wouldn’t have been professional in the battlefield.

“Maybe after their relationship develops then.”

“It won’t develop.” The words came out automatically.

“Why not? What about after the war?” Hange suggested. Words like why always bring up more questions than answers and Levi found himself racking his brain for it.

The dreams and the memories or as Hange liked to call it, bouts of inspiration, came in images and scenes and sometimes pieces of information. From what he could tell, Hange and Levi had a strong bond and it would have only been natural that they had stayed close long after the war ended.

And a kiss probably wouldn’t have been too far off. But why didn’t they kiss? Why didn’t their relationship develop? Levi asked himself, as his mind caught up to the words he said.

Maybe because the war hadn't ended yet. But after that there should be potential to develop.

With time, Levi had started to realize a pattern to the dreams though. The answers to the questions came gradually. They came in meetings, conversations and dreams. If he waited patiently, if he just opened up, those questions would be answered right?

Before Levi even noticed it, he had settled on the bed next to her and had fallen asleep to those questions. His brain chose those moments in between the sleeping and waking world to go through the voices and visions that went through him in that split second kiss.

One day in the barracks, he had overheard three of his squad members talking.

“You know I’ve been working with the commander closely right?”

“Yeah?”

“After the meetings, Levi always stays in the room with her and every time I see them together. I can’t help but think, there might be something between them.”

“Maybe you’re just overanalyzing it. You do analyze a lot

“Hey, he was right about the titan shifters and their locations back in Shiganshina."

“We’re talking about romance here, not military intelligence. Besides, can you even imagine the captain and commander kissing?”

“Just because you can’t get a girl with your horse face.”

[chickensarentcheap]

Never Gonna Be Alone- Chapter 47

Title:  Truth

Warnings: profanity, slight angst, mentions of suicide attempt, depression,  mental health issues

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @miss-smutty, @tragiclyhip​

“Esme told me. About your so-called girls trip. That it was nothing but bullshit.”

Sighing heavily, Riley leans back against one of the panes of glass; legs stretched out in front of her, arms folded across her chest. She’d only arrived an hour ago, and the initial joy and excitement of being rushed by a horde of children had been quickly replaced by frazzled nerves and nibbles of anxiety. The moment he’d approached when she’d been alone in the kitchen, she’d known it wasn’t with good intentions; the deep rumble of his voice, the tense shoulders and jaw, the increasing darkness taking over his eyes. And she’d barely gotten words of acknowledgment and acceptance out of her mouth when his fingers had curled around her upper arm and she found herself being manipulated her towards the sunroom. The door closing behind them and her brother in planting his large, strong frame directly in front of it.

She’s been witness to his ire; possessing a hair-trigger temper that’s been unleashed many times in her presence. Unsuspecting motorists in town that have come too close to his kids while in the crosswalk; profanities hurled in their direction, objects thrown at the car, a foot put through a headlight or front grill more than once. Overzealous parents at the soccer park or lacrosse field that believe their eight year old is the next athletic superstar; pacing the sidelines while screaming insults at teenaged referees and freaking out over poor play of their own kid or others on the field. Only to have a tattooed, six foot three, ‘built like a brick shit house’ coach storm across the grass to confront them on their bullshit; quietly yet intently calling them out and often physically escorting them away from the game. Or men that have the audacity to not just check his wife out, but make lewd remarks about her to their buddies or even attempt to follow her while making suggestive and highly sexualized comments. Never imagining that her husband is either just feet in front or behind her, or even across the street waiting to meet up with her. 

They always regret their decision when they see him happen upon the scene; casually and calmly greeting her with a warm -albeit brief- embrace and a chaste kiss to the lips before turning his attention to the culprits. While some will put up a good fight and try to defend their egos and their masculinity by arguing with him, most attempt to apologize their way out of the mess they created. Stammering and stumbling over their words; frazzled and intimidated and even visibly shaking from the fear of getting their asses handed to them.

She’s even unintentionally wandered into the house while Tyler and Esme have been engrossed in a blow out themselves. Shortly after his release from the hospital; the horrific and constant pain and the frustration of slower than expected healing getting the better of him and causing to snap. Nothing too serious; raised voices and cupboards being slammed and plates and utensils being angrily tossed into the sink. By BOTH parties.

While seeing the actual explosion of his temper is bad enough, it’s the lead up that tends to be the scarier. The darkening of the eyes and the cold, fixed glare. The way his shoulders tense and his jaw clenches. The visible throbbing of the vein his neck; surgically repaired twelve and a half years after a teenager’s bullet that sliced through it and nearly taken his life. And while his height and his powerful build and the myriad of tattoos and scars are intimidating to most that come in contact with him, Tyler is not a threatening person. At least not intentionally. He’s normally quiet and reserved; taking the time to sit back and watch and listen to the people and the activity around him. Thoroughly analyzing and calculating every move they make and the words that come out of their mouths; assessing whether they both pose a threat and if they can be trusted and allowed into his extremely small, tight circle. Once you get to know him, you realize that while he’s a big man, he has an even bigger heart; compassionate and patient and possessing so much love and adoration for his wife and his children. Enormously protective; wanting nothing more for them to be happy and safe. And willing to do anything and everything to keep them that way.

She has never been on THIS side of the fence; the one being targeted by that intense and unwavering gaze. Not once getting on her brother in law’s bad side; enjoying the teasing and light hearted bickering and the backhanded compliments that their relationship has been built upon. Knowing what subjects to never broach and what lines to never -under any circumstances- cross; acknowledging and respecting his triggers and always doing her best to steer clear from them. A mutual respect exists between them; Tyler grateful for the never ending support that Riley provides her sister with, and Riley ever thankful for the world that he’s created for her sister. A man that loves her so profoundly and unconditionally; making her the centre of his universe and putting everything he has and everything he is into giving her a good life. Making her a mother; something she’d wanted for years and had given up hope on when things between her and Mark had gone so wrong. A hands-on father and a partner in every possible way; devoting every spare minute he has to her and his kids and doing whatever he can to make amazing memories for all of them to carry into adulthood. She’s never seen Esme THAT happy; peaceful and content despite all of the issues that have plagued them and the rocky terrain they’ve covered together and the scarier than hell situations they’ve gone through. Somehow making her even stronger than before; resilient and phenomenally patient, yet ferociously protective when need be.

“I told her she needed to tell you,” Riley says, and nervously drums the fingernails on her right hand against the wine glass clutched tightly in her right. “That it had gone on long enough; her keeping that a secret. That you had the right to know and…”

“I had a right to know WHEN it happened,” Tyler interjects. “What I can’t figure out is why no one realized that then. Why you didn’t tell me. Why you kept it a secret.”

“She asked me not to. Said that it was better if you didn’t know. She was worried what it would do to you; putting that kind of extra worry and stress on you when you were already going through your own shit.”

“And you agreed with her?”

“No. I didn’t. I argued against it, actually. Right away I told her that it was a bad idea; keeping that kind of thing from you.”

“But....”

“But when Esme gets something into her head, it’s hard to sway her from it. You know that better than anyone. You don’t easily change her mind when it’s dead set on something. She was convinced it would be bad for you. That hearing something like that could trigger you and bring on an episode and…”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“She was worried, Tyler. About the issues it might cause. And I told her that you were a lot stronger than she was giving you credit for; you were more than capable of taking care of your shit AND hers. But she was adamant to do things her way and I didn’t want to upset her any more than she already was. I didn’t want to make her worse.”

“You should have called me. Right after you got off the phone with her. As soon as she told you how she was feeling, you should have hung and got a hold of me and told me what was going on.”

“It wasn’t my place to tell you. She asked me to help her, and I did. I went over to the house and I stayed with her and the kids. I did everything I could to calm her down and talk her off the edge…”

“That should have been MY job. I should have been the one to do all of that.”

“Well you weren’t exactly around, were you. You were thousands of miles away. On a job. A lot of good you could have done being all the way in Brazil. Instead of home with your family.”

A smirk tugs at the corner of his mouth. “Don’t do that. Don’t turn this around on me. What I do for a living and how I provide for my family is none of your business. I’m not the same guy I was when I met your sister. I’m not that deep in it anymore.”

“You run a mercenary business. You may not be the one going out there and putting your ass on the line and killing people, but you’re still sending other guys to do it. Your hands aren’t clean, Tyler. Don’t pretend they are. I don’t care what you do or what you used to do. I don’t care how many lives you’ve taken or HOW you took them. But don’t act like you’re innocent. Not with your track record.”

“This isn’t about me or what I do for a living or what I send other people to do. None of that matters. That’s business. It has no bearing on my personal life. I’m not the same guy when I’m working as I am when I’m at home. When I’m a husband and a father. That’s the only thing you should give a shit about. How I treat your sister. And I love her and I will do anything to protect her.”

“You wouldn’t have to do that if you didn’t do what you do,” Riley counters. “ Do you ever stop and think about that? How you wouldn’t have this fear of something happening to her or someone hurting her if you weren’t who you are?”

“I wouldn’t have met Esme if I wasn’t who I am. You seem to forget that part. That she was in it just as much as I was. That she was working WITH me. She’d been in the game for a while; before she ever met me. So she’s not entirely innocent herself, is she. If she had been, she never would have shown up on my doorstep that day. I never would have laid eyes on her. There’d be no us and there’d be no kids. And your sister and those kids? Best damn things that ever happened to me.”

“I don’t deny that. Same way I don’t deny how much you love her. Or that you’d do anything for her. But she asked me to keep it a secret. She wanted to protect you.”

“And you just went along with it.”

“Against my better judgement, yeah, I did. I didn’t call you because I didn’t need your help. I had it under control. I got her calm and off the ledge and…”

“I should have been the one doing all of that. And if you’d just called me…”

“And what? What would you have done? What could you have possibly said that would have been any better than what came out of my mouth? Look, I understand; I get why you’re pissed. She shouldn’t have lied to you. And I told her that.”

“ You should have never kept that from me. You should have told me what happened. The things that she said. That she was that bad off. That she was going to hurt herself.”

“I don’t think she was going to do it. I think she was anxious and panicking and scared and,...”

“It doesn’t matter if she was going to do it or not!” he argues. “The fact she even said it is bad enough. And you should have told her you weren’t going to lie for her. You should have told her to fuck off when she even brought up this bullshit of wanting to protect me. And you should have called me and told me and I would have come home. Right away.”

“It wasn’t my place to tell you. She asked me to help her and keep it a secret and I did. Because she’s my sister.”

“She’s my wife!” he snarls. “The mother of my children. And I’m sorry if it pisses you off that both those things trump her being your sister. Don’t even compare the two. I’m her husband. I had every goddamn right to know what happened!”

“You did,” Riley admits. “But I’ll hold firm that it wasn’t my place to tell you.”

“My wife tells you that she wants to kill herself and you don’t think it’s your place to tell me that? What if you weren’t around, Riley? What if you didn’t live right next door? Or even in Australia.? What if she hadn’t been able to call you for help?”

“It doesn’t matter. Because I DO live there.”

“It fucking matters to me. What if she’d tried to call you and couldn’t get a hold of you? What then? What if she had decided to go through with it? You know what have happened? One of my kids would have found her. They would have wondered why mummy wasn’t up in the morning to make them breakfast and get them off to school. And they would have gone in there and found her. Dead. Kids, Riley. MY kids.”

“I never thought of that. I never…”

“Do you know what that would have done to them? Finding their mother like that? Do you know how bad that would have fucked them up for the rest of their life? If they’d seen that?”

Struggling to hold back a flood of tears, she takes a swallow of wine in an attempt to wash away the lump of emotion threatening to choke her. “I just never considered all of that.”

“I know what it’s like to lose your mother. At a really young age. It screwed me up. And it continues to screw me up; everything that came after it and all the bullshit I went through because of my father. And the way I lost her? That was bad enough. But it would have been nowhere like how my kids would have lost their mother.”

“I’m sorry, Tyler. I never…”

“I had a right to know. As soon as she told you how she felt and what was going through her head? You should have called me. I would have been on the next plane home. There is nothing in this world that is more important than her. Nothing.”

“I know that. I know how you feel about her. I see it every time you look at her. The way you smile at her and always find little ways to touch her. The way you watch her when she talks. I’ve always seen that. And you’re right; I should have called you. But my main concern was taking care of her. Making sure SHE was okay. I did what she asked.”

“What stopped you from telling me after you got her settled? Once you realized she was going to be okay. What stopped you from calling me? Some stupid fucking promise you made to her?”

“It wasn’t a stupid fucking promise. She was trying to protect you. She didn’t want to put it on you. Didn’t want to take the risk of it causing you issues. And I have to say, I agreed with her. To an extent.”

“I’m not some fragile fucking piece of china you have to coddle and keep away from everyone. I’m a grown ass man. And I may be messed up and have mountains of shit I deal with every day, but I am more than capable of taking care of your sister. Of my wife.”

“I know. I know you are. And I’m sorry that it came out this way. That she waited this long to tell you. I’m sorry that…”

“Don’t.” Tyler holds up a hand to silence her.. “Don’t do that. Don’t put all the blame on her. I get where she’s coming from; she’s neurotic and she worries about me and she’s got it in her head that she needs to protect me the same way I do her. Doesn’t matter how many times I tell her I don’t need it or that I don’t want her doing it; she’s going to go ahead with it anyway. But you? Going along with that? When you know what she means to me? How can you stand here and defend this? Act like it’s no big deal that you kept this from me? What the fuck, Riley?”

“I said I was sorry. That you had to find out this way. That it took this long. What more do you want from me?”

“How about admitting you fucked up? That you never should have gone along with it. That you should have called me. How about admitting all THAT?”

“Let’s get something straight, Tyler. You’re not my boss. I’m not one of your ‘guys’. You don’t dictate how I do things. You don’t question my decisions. You don’t chastise me for ‘bad behaviour’. I love you. I think you’re a great guy. In the same way I think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to Me-Me. I think you’re an amazing husband and an even better father. But you’re my brother in law. That’s it. I have no ties to you other than through my sister and my nieces and nephews. My loyalty lies with Esme. First and foremost. And I’m sorry that you think this is some horrible betrayal. I did what my sister asked. That’s it.”

“What you did was wrong. And you fucking know it. We aren’t just talking about some girl, Riley. We’re talking about my wife. The mother of my children. My SEVEN children. The woman that I love more than anything in this world. Who I love more than I ever thought I could love another human being. Who saved my life. And if you can’t understand why you should have told me…”

A knock comes to the door, followed by the rattling of the handle .“Dad?” TJ’s voice from the other side. “Can I come in?”

“Not right now, mate. Auntie Riley and I are talking about some stuff. That little ears don’t need to hear.”

“Mum wanted me to check on you. To make sure you were alright. You’ve been a little...off...for a few days.”

“Tell your mum I’m okay. That there’s nothing for her to worry about.”

“Yeah...right…” TJ scoffs. “This is mum we’re talking about. She worries no matter what. You think you’d be used to it by now. You’ve only been married to her for like a hundred years.”

“Twelve,” he informs his son. “In October. Feels like it’s been a hundred years some days.”

“I won’t tell her you said that. I know how much you hate sleeping on the couch. Are you sure everything’s okay?”

“Everything’s fine, Teej. I’ll be out in a few minutes. Go and get washed up for dinner, okay? Make sure your brothers and sisters do too. Food will be here soon.”

“You’re sure you’re okay?”

“You’re gettin’ as bad as your mum. I’m fine. Everything’s good. Go and do as I said. Tell mum I won’t be much longer.”

“Alright,” TJ reluctantly agrees, and Tyler waits until he hears him walk away; heavy, stomping footsteps across the kitchen floor as he shouts the information from one end of the house to the other.

“We’re going to have to agree to disagree when it comes to this,” Riley says, and downs the remains of her wine. “I’m sorry that I didn’t call you. That my main priority was my sister and not calling you.”

“For the last time, your sister is my wife. And my main priority is her. Twelve and half years. That’s how long I’ve been with her. That’s how long I’ve been going through hell and back with her. FOR her. You don’t even know the half of what we’ve been through together. The crap that we’ve dealt with. I’m the one that’s been there; by her side through every fucking shitty thing that’s been thrown us. I’m the one that’s gotten her through a lot of hard times. The one that’s talked her down and kept her calm. Who’s been stepping up and being there for her no matter what I’m going through. So don’t you stand here and tell me that I couldn’t have done a better job than you when it comes to taking care of MY wife .”

“I could have been there for her too, you know. And I would have been had you NOT moved her all the way to the other side of the goddamn world.”

“You know who you sound like right now? When you say that? I’ll give you three guesses but you’re only going to need one.”

Riley scowls. “Don’t you even go there. I am nothing like her. I’m the one that accepted you into the family. I’m the one that saw how good you were with her. FOR her. I’ve always been on your side, Tyler. Even when everyone else was against you and I ended up getting alienated for it. Kicked out of my own family because I always defended you. Because Esme was happy and in love with you and I could tell you felt the same way about her.”

“So you were on my side. So what? You want some kind of award for it? A fucking cookie? You were a kid, Riley. You weren’t even a senior in high school when we moved to Colorado. You had no clue what happened. Why we had to leave Australia, how we were broke as fuck and ended up living in your folks’ basement. It broke your sister’s heart to leave. We didn’t have much, but we were happy there. Happier than either of us had been in a long time. She had someone that loved her and a beautiful baby girl and she didn’t want much more than that.”

“You’re right. I don’t know the details. I don’t know the reason you guys came back. I WAS a kid. And totally absorbed in my own world. But it didn’t mean that I didn’t care about my sister. Or miss her. That I wasn’t glad she was back.”

“She never wanted to go back to Colorado. That was all me. All my idea. And she went along with it and she tried to make the best of it and it nearly fucking destroyed us. You have no clue how bad things got. The issues that being there caused. How close we came to ending everything. All she ever wanted was to be back in Australia. She would cry about it at night; tell me that she wasn’t happy and that she was worried being back in the States was going to destroy us. And it came close. So fucking close.”

“I didn’t know that. I know that you had some problems. That you started drinking again and got back into the job and the pills and…”

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know. That we’ve kept back. From everyone connected to her family. I didn’t just move your sister to the other side of the world. I gave her what she wanted. I busted my ass to make it happen; to get her back there. To get her home. Because that’s where she wanted to be. So don’t fucking pretend you know what we went through and don’t ever accuse me of taking her away from you. Because that’s not what happened. That’s just what you’ve been told.”

“It is,” she admits. “That’s exactly what I was told. I mean, I knew most of it wasn’t true. I knew you weren’t controlling or abusive and that you didn’t force her to go back. I knew you weren’t that kind of guy. But I WAS a kid. And still stupid enough to believe most of the bullshit that was being fed to me.”

“When I say there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for your sister, I mean it. They aren’t just empty words. I’m not just saying it to hear myself talk or to make her feel better. I say it because it’s one hundred percent true. And had you called me, I would have been on the first flight home. I would have said ‘fuck the job’ and got on the next plane out of there. So I could help my wife.”

“I’m sorry, Tyler. I SHOULD have called you. But I was so worried about her and I thought what I was doing was right for her.”

“You played a really dangerous game with my wife’s life. Do you realize that? How badly it all could have backfired on you? How one little thing could have set her off? If you’d just called me, I could have talked her down. I could have gotten her off that ledge. A lot easier and a lot quicker than you did.”

“You don’t know that. You don’t…”

“I DO know that. Because I’m the one that she needed. I’ve always been the one she’s needed. And that’s not just going to stop. Not until I’m dead and buried and I can’t do it anymore. What she wanted at that time and what was best for her, were two totally different things. And the fact you didn’t realize that? That you played this fucking game with her life?”

“That’s not what I was trying to do. At all. I thought I was doing what was best for Esme. That’s what we both want, right? To do what’s best for her?”

“That wasn’t what was best for her. That was possibly the WORST thing for her. I know she’s your sister, but I’ve shared a life with her for more than a decade now. I think I know her a hell of a lot better than you do.”

“Of course you do. What the two of you have? That love? That bond? That’s way more than she’s ever had before. With anyone.”

“Don’t ever play a game like that again, Not when it comes to Esme. You have no idea what it would do to me to lose her. What it would do to my kids. HER kids. So don’t you ever again underestimate my ability to take care of my wife. Don’t you EVER get in between me and her again.”

Riley approaches him; slowly and cautiously, palms raised in both surrender and a plea for calm. “That is NOT what I meant to do. I would NEVER do that. I wasn’t trying to cause issues between the two of you. I was trying to help her. That’s it.”

“Well you almost made an even bigger mess, so…” his words trails off and he takes a step back when she attempts to embrace him. “...don’t do that. Don’t touch me. We’re not back at that point. We won’t be for a while. I’m not the kind of guy that just hugs it out, you know?”

“I’m trying here, Tyler. I’m sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. For the lie to get as far as it did. I told her to tell you. I told her…”

“Oh my god…” he chuckles and shakes his head incredulously. “...you just don’t get it. You either didn’t listen to a goddamn word I said or you don’t give a fuck. You never should have went along with it. It’s as simple as that. You should have called me. So I could take care of my wife. But you didn’t. You fucked up. You caused all of this. Don’t put all the blame on her. I won’t let you do that.”

“Can we at least agree that we both want what’s best for her? That even if we DO make mistakes, all that we really want is what’s best for Esme?”

“I think that’s one thing we CAN agree on.”

“And can we go out there and at least pretend to be friends? I don’t want to make things worse on her. You know she’s struggling. That she’s having a really hard time right now. Can we at least do our best to not make things harder for her?”

“Yeah…” he nods. “...I can do that.”

“I really am sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t think things through better. But I really did think I was handling it fine. That I was doing what was best for her. For my sister.”

“I know what’s best for her. For my wife. Even more than she does. So I appreciate your help, but I think you need to step back and realize that you don’t know shit. Not when it comes to this kind of thing. Next time...and I hope to hell there isn’t a next time...you call me. Regardless of what she says.”

“I will,” she promises. “I definitely will.”

“This ends here. What we talked about, the things that were said. She doesn’t need to know. It’s better if she doesn’t. If she asks, we had a heated discussion and disagreed on a lot but we got through it. What really happened doesn’t go further from this room. Understand me?”

Riley nods.

“Don’t you ever question my loyalty or my ability to take care of my wife,” he warns, then turns on his heel and heads for the door.

*****

It’s shortly after midnight when she hears his footfalls on the stairs. The sound familiar and comforting; the slight drag of the right leg, the soft creaks as wood shifts and flexes under his weight. Three hours ago he’d gone upstairs to tend to the kids’ bedtime routines; keeping the older yet easily distracted ones on track, giving the littlest their baths and combing out the girls’ hair and helping them into their pyjamas. Since her confession earlier in the day, he’s been even more hands on and attentive than usual. Practically glued to her side and quick with the affection; spontaneous hugs or arms wrapped tightly around her from behind, gentle fingers combing through her hair and tucking it behind her ears, kisses pressed to her forehead or temple or corners of her mouth. Insisting on either helping her with things around the house or refusing to do anything at all; ordering to sit back and relax and let him and the kids take care of her for a change.

While it had been both welcome and appreciated, she’d also been well aware that he’d been overcompensating. Her admittance to thoughts of self harm and suicide not doubt a kick to the gut; opening his eyes to just to the depths and the extent of her own issues, and feeding into his number one fears. It’s always been his worst nightmare; losing her unexpectedly and to something he could have controlled, or at least prevented. Illness and an accident on the road are horrific in their own way; a disease that eats away at her and eventually kills her, or something that suddenly and unexpectedly occurs and snatches her out of his life. But to lose her to something he could have stepped in and stopped is completely unacceptable in his eyes. An assailant he could have fought off or at least prevented from getting closer to her. An action by her own hand would be something he’d never considered. In twelve and a half years she’s never spoken of harming herself; the one who’d had to stop him from taking his own life.

It had definitely blindsided him; how close he’d come to losing her and never even realizing there’d ever been the potential of it. And not being told sooner had devastated him. She’d seen the pain in his eyes; the hurt and the anger and the feeling of betrayal. He’s always stepped up and taken care of her regardless of his own issues and suffering; pushing everything aside to focus solely on her and what she needs.

Her not relying on him in the moment had done more damage than actually carrying on the lie. HE should have been the one she called. Confident he would have been able to calm her down and talk her off the ledge; giving him the time to get home and concentrate on her problems and her needs. And he would have done it; abandoned the job in favour of returning to Australia and focusing solely on her. But she hadn’t been in her right frame of mind; immediately believed that she had to protect HIM.

She definitely regrets THAT decision. And for keeping it a secret as long as she did.

“Hey,” she greets, looking up from the tablet resting on her thighs as he reaches the bottom landing. Clad in a pair of shorts made from cut up sweats and an old and tattered muscle shirt; the fabric littered with messes composed of dried paint, tiny hand prints infused with glitter, and stains made by various baby ‘accidents’ over the years. Hair messy and sticking up in several different directions; a pout curving his lips and the heels of his palms pressing into his weary eyes.

Twelve and half years later and he still brings about so many emotions and reactions. From lust to adoration to love and even melting because of moments of sheer adorableness; this big -and often intimidating- heavily tattooed man that possesses the strength and know how to kill with his bare hands often so cute and pure that her heart -and her hormones- can barely handle it.

“Hey,” Tyler says in return, pausing to lock the front door and set the alarm before switching off the foyer light and padding into the living room. “You’re awake.”

“I was going to say the same thing to you. You’ve been up there for a hell of a long time. I wasn’t sure if you’d crashed hard or been abducted by aliens. Or if you were just avoiding me. Like the plague.”

“Well I’m happy to report that no aliens showed up and anally probed me.”

“Your worst nightmare,” she grins. “Anyone getting anywhere near your ass.”

“I let you near my ass.”

“Let me rephrase it. Anyone exploring your ass with more than a finger.”

“First off, you’re disturbing. Second, I had three little ones fall asleep on me. Before that, one story turned into two, two turned into three, three turned into a dozen. Can you maybe burn all the copies of Goodnight Moon? Can they mysteriously disappear? Because I have been reading that damn thing almost every night for almost twelve years. What’s left of my sanity can’t take it anymore.”

“You know, instead of resorting to burning books, you could always say no to your children.”

"Yeah, not gonna happen.” He drops down heavily beside her. “I did crash, by the way. In Addie’s bed. I just woke up about ten minutes ago. She kicked me right in the nuts. Good thing you don’t want anymore kids.”

“There’s something so cute about that.”

He frowns. “About her kicking me in the balls?”

“No. About you falling asleep there. This big, burly guy with all his tattoos and scars totally crashed in a frilly canopy bed fit for a princess. I would have LOVED a picture of that.”

“Sorry to disappoint. None exist. You don’t get a chance to publicly humiliate me on social media. Not on this night, anyway.” Sighing, he pinches the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger, then stretches out his legs and places his bare feet on the coffee table. “And why would I have been avoiding you? What would be the reason for that?”

“Well I did fuck up. HUGE. And I did hurt your feelings. And offend you. All at once.”

“We talked about it. We said shit we needed to say. It’s done. Over with. Let’s keep it that way, yeah?”

“Yeah,” she agrees, and slides closer to him on the couch; tucking her feet under her body as she snuggles into his side. “Let’s.”

Wrapping an arm around her petite frame, he drops a kiss on the top of her head. “What are you doing?”

“Looking up ideas for the backyard.” She holds the tablet up for him to see; an image of a tiny cottage made of distressed white wood and boasting a shingled roof and a sunlight and pink shutters on the windows. “We finally have the opportunity to totally concentrate on it. All the renos out of the way, all the garages and the granny flat are built, the pool house has been redone. Now we can work on other things. What do you think? It’s a she shed. I would LOVE a she shed.”

“That’s what they’re actually called? I’ve been calling them bitch barns.”

“You would,” she frowns, and he chuckles when she digs an elbow into his ribs. “Think you could build it?”

“Shouldn’t be hard. I’ve built a lot more complicated. And if you really DO want one, I’ll get on it. Soon as we get home.”

“I really do. Want one.”

“Then a bitch barn you shall have.”

She scowls.

“She shed,” he quickly corrects. “A SHE SHED you shall have.”

“And I was thinking a fire bowl. For the corner of the first floor deck. Closest to the pool. One of those propane ones. With the coloured glass stones. We could build a seating area around it, maybe get another swing to hang near it.”

“Whatever you want to do, we’ll do it. Just buy what you need or give me a list and I’ll take care of it. You know I really don’t care about this kind of stuff. I mean, it’s not that I don’t. It’s just that I trust you and you always pick out nice shit and it always looks great when it’s done.”

“You really ARE the best husband on earth,” Esme declares, and presses a kiss to the side of his neck; lips covering the scar long ago left behind by Farhad’s bullet and the surgery to repair the vein.

Smiling, he gives her hip a gentle squeeze and then runs her palm over her ribs and up onto her arm. Tightly clasping her shoulder as he presses a kiss to her forehead. “I try. All I wanna do is make my girl happy. And if what makes her happy is making the house look nice and wanting it to be beautiful and comfortable for all of us, then I’ll do whatever she needs me to do to make that all happen.”

“You DO trust me,” she chides, and leans forward to set the tablet on the coffee table before once more snuggling into him; arms circling his waist and her head resting on his chest. “How do you know I’m not going to buy stuff you’ll hate? That I’m not going to go crazy with the pastels? Or pink? Addie would LOVE that. We do share a favourite color, after all.”

“First of all, I know how much you love colour. The brighter the better. Second, you’d never do that; just buy stuff that you’ll like. You’ve NEVER done it. Not once in the past twelve and a half years. If you know I’ll hate, you won’t do it. That’s just not how you work.”

“Damn it,” she grumbles, and playfully pinches the sensitive area below his right ribcage. “That’s what I get for being so predictable.”

“It’s not that you’re predictable. It’s just that I know you. Very well. Better than you know yourself sometimes. Isn’t that kind of our ‘thing?’. Knowing one another better than we know ourselves?”

“Been our thing since almost day one. It’s kind of weird, don’t you think? As screwed up and as damaged as we were, we just...I don’t know...took to each other.”

“Is that before or after I tried to choke you out?” he chides.

“It was almost like we’d known each other for years. We knew what the other was thinking, we could express things to one another without even using words. We trusted each other. And it’s not like trust came easily to either of us. But for some reason, we knew we could. We had faith in one another.”

“My instincts told me you were good people. That I COULD trust you. And what do you always say? About how good my instincts are?”

“You have incredible instincts. They’ve never lied to you. At least not as long as I’ve known you. I have to say…” she grins up at him “...I’m quite happy that they thought I was good people.”

“It’s pretty safe to say I’m happy about that too.” Giving her shoulder another squeeze, Tyler slides his arm further up and wraps it around her neck, pulling her flush against him as he kisses her. Nothing urgent nor intense; fingertips and the pad of his thumb repeatedly grazing along her jaw as his lips move slowly and sinuously against hers. Her eyes still closed when he pulls away; the bridge of her nose wrinkling when he presses a kiss to the tip of it. “I feel like ice cream,” he announces. “Want some ice cream?”

“Hmmm…” She tilts her head to the side, crinkles on the bridge of nose deepening as she considers it. “...cheese toast.”

“And ice cream?”

“Why not? You only live once. Do you think we could have sex afterwards? My cramps went away and my period isn’t due for two weeks, so…”

“We can have sex first and then cheese toast and ice cream?”

She frowns. “Naww. Cheese toast first.”

“Are you telling me you’re picking cheese toast over having sex with your husband? Do you realize how hurtful that is? How offended I am?”

“I’m sorry! You know there’s anything in this world that’s better than sex with you. Nothing. But I’m hungry. And...well...this is cheese toast we’re talking about. You know how much I love cheese toast.”

“You claim to love ME, but I dunno…”

Her fingers fidget with loose strands of thread on the neckline of his tank. “Don’t be like that. You damn well know that I love you. Don’t want me at full strength? You don’t want me running on an empty tank do you? Because then I’ll get tired easily and I won’t be at my best and…”

“Won’t bother me. Your best is only at a B plus.”

“B plus! You asshole!” She aggressively ruffles his hair, then laughs when he curls an arm around her waist and dumps her onto her back. “You’re mean,” she dramatically pouts, as he places a foot on the floor and a knee on the couch beside her; palms above her head and pressed flat against the cushion as he looms over her.

“The meanest. But you know what?” He places a small peck on each corner of her mouth, then her lips. “I will still make you your goddamn cheese toast.”

“I knew you loved me,” she says, and then curls two fingers around the chain that dangles around his neck and pulls him into a kiss. Long and deep and intense; legs wrapping around his waist and her ankles locking together at the small of his back.

He grins down at her. “So is this a yes to having sex BEFORE cheese toast and ice cream?”

“It’s a promise to have sex with you AFTER cheese toast and ice cream.”

“Don't do me any favours,” he grumbles playfully, kissing her a final time before reaching around to pry her ankles apart. “You know….” he grimaces at the stiffness in the small of his back as he stands. “...you’re damn lucky you’re so cute. That I love you as much as I do.”

“Yes. Yes I am,” she agrees, and slides off the couch and follows him through the living and dining rooms and into the kitchen. Lending a hand by gathering bowls and spoons from the drainboard next to the sink; carrying them to the island and then perching on the edge of one of the barstools. “They’re all asleep? All the beasts?”

“Every last one. Even Millie and Alannah crashed earlier than usual. That’s a nice change; none of their bloody laughing and raiding the fridge and waking me up at three am.”

“We’re going to have to think about where she is going to go when we get back home. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to keep those two in the same room. I would like to have some semblance of sleep. All the square footage we added and all the rooms we made, and suddenly there is no room at the inn.”

“Could always clean out the garage and make another bedroom in there. It’s only going to be temporary, yeah? She’s not staying with us forever. I hope. I love the kid, but…”

“What about the granny flat? We added one above the new gym but it hasn’t been used yet. Could put her in there.”

“She’s eleven. We are NOT giving an eleven year old her own apartment.”

“What about the den? Downstairs. It WAS a guest room at one point in time. That’s where you stayed. After Dhaka Part Two.”

“I kind of already told Tanner he could use that for his science experiments.” He gives her a sheepish smile. “Sorry.”

“We could always put Brookie in with Addie. I’d say the other way around, but Addie will not give up her princess room. For ANYONE. I don’t even want to attempt trying to convince her to. Brookie won’t give a shit. She’s not attached to things like Addie is. She’d sleep out on the hammock every night if we let her.”

“She’d also do anything for Addie. She told me that Peanut’s her best friend. That that’s why she even agreed to tag along to the American Girl thing. Because Addie is her bestie and she asked Brookie to go with her.”

“One upside to having them close together. Friends for life. Unless one of them turns into a total dick head and completely ruins things.”

“I highly doubt either of our girls are going to turn into ‘he who shall not be named’. Things were always toxic when you were growing up. Our kids aren’t in that same kind of environment. We’re making damn sure of it. We aren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but…”

“But we aren’t totally fucking up our children. We’re actually giving them a good home. A healthy one. Which is kind of surprising considering most behaviour is learned and neither of us grew up with the healthiest of parent child relationships.”

“We just went the opposite way. Instead of turning out like what we knew, we made sure we didn’t.”

“A lot of people aren’t that lucky, you know. A lot fall into the same patterns. Repeat the same mistakes.”

“Well we aren’t a lot of people, are we. I think we’ve shown that a time or two.”

“Do you remember what Gaspar said? About how two broken people can’t come together and make a whole?”

Tyler frowns. “I try NOT to remember anything he said.”

“He said that they’d only make things worse. Make EACH OTHER worse. I like to think he was wrong.”

“He was wrong about a lot of things. Not just that. Take it from the source, babe. Don’t take anything he said to heart.”

“He seemed a little too invested in what was going on between us. What was it to him? What did it matter whether we were hooking up or not?”

“He was just worried I’d get distracted. That I’d let my feelings take over and forget everything else.”

“More like he was worried your dick would run the show. Not your head. And that would be dangerous.”

“Something like that.”

Popping two pieces of bread into the toaster, he pushes down the level and then turns his back towards it; facing his wife as he leans back against the counter. He’ll never tell her the whole truth; Gaspar attempting to convince him that she was simply using him as a way out of Dhaka. That ‘putting out’, showering a profoundly damaged and lonely man with affection and want, and promising an attempt at a future would guarantee her his full attention ; that he’d stop at nothing to make sure she survived the ordeal. Even before Gaspar had shown all his cards and brought up the ten million dollar deal, Tyler hadn’t believed a word of what he was saying. He hadn’t been in that cramped and squalid hotel room. He didn’t hear the deep and intense conversations that lasted well into the wee hours of the morning; the confessions made and the fears talked about and the tears shed. It hadn’t been just sex. A connection had been made and a foundation laid down. Wrong place, wrong time. Perhaps a little too quick by society’s standards. But it had been nothing like Tyler had ever experienced. And he’d felt no need to either explain that to Gaspar, or defend it.

“Did he say anything to you? About me?”

“Other than he thought I was thinking with the wrong head? No. Not a damn thing.”

“Just the offer.”

Tyler nods.

“He didn’t say anything about me? Even leading up to that? Seems weird. That he’d just bring the offer up out of nowhere.”

“What does it matter? It’s almost thirteen years ago. Why are we even talking about it? About HIM? None of that should matter anymore.

“Just some things made me think about it. Shit that he said to me. When he cornered me in the upstairs. I don’t know what brought it up. Sometimes it happens; it hits me out of nowhere. But you’re right…” She sighs heavily and manages a smile. “...it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I know it makes you a little testy. Even now. What he did.”

“He’s dead. That’s what he deserved. Makes no sense to go back and dig him up.”

“It doesn’t,” she agrees, and then thankfully changes the subject. “You know, I really need to get my shit together. We go back home in five days and I have done nothing to prepare for it. I’m usually so far ahead of the game by now. Do you realize how much has to be packed away? Things I need to box up and have shipped because we won’t be able to take everything on the plane?”

“Do you realize you’re not the only adult in the house and there’s someone fully prepared to help out? WE have a lot to do. Not just you. We’ll start today.”

“You have your little shopping trip with Desi today,” she reminds him. “No way are you skipping out on that. He’s been going on and on about it for DAYS. He will legit ugly cry if you bail on him.”

“Then we start when I get back. Doubt I’ll be gone that long. You’ve gone shopping with me. In and out in half an hour.”

“You are in for a rude awakening. Going shopping with Desi is a whole other experience in itself. That man LOVES his fashion and his bling and he doesn’t go home until he’s exhausted every square inch of his favourite stores. Takes him half an hour just to decide what side of the store to start on first.”

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.”

“He wants to play dress up with you. Use you as his little doll. He sees the potential. He’s going to get you into some three thousand dollar suits and some skinny jeans and…”

“It’ll be a cold day in hell when I wear skinny jeans. What is wrong with the way I dress?”

“Nothing. I don’t care what you wear. You look good in whatever you put on. That being said, I prefer when you’re taking your clothes OFF…”

“I don’t want to be his little plaything. His science experiment. Why can’t I just be who I am? Why do I have to change? As long as you’re not complaining…”

“Like I said, I don’t care what you wear. You always look good. But Desi wants to do this with you. He wants to dress you up and make you look good. Fashionable. He wants to see you in some Huge Boss and some Gucci and some Tom Ford.”

“I’m more comfortable in shit from Target.”

“Just humour him. He’s got amazing fashion sense. It won’t hurt to have a few of Desi’s staples and favourites in your closet. And personally? I’d kill to see you in a pair of skinny jeans. They’d make your ass look incredible. Or even more incredible than it already is. Not to mention you’ve got those crazy, long ass legs.”

“Why don’t you just cut to the chase and say you want me to buy a pair? Because if you want me to…”

“Nope. Has to be your decision. I’m not telling you what to do. But I will say the thought of you in skinny jeans? Totally makes me hot for you. Hotter than you usually make me, And that’s pretty damn hot.”

He stares at her pointedly, then returns to spreading thick layers of Cheese Whiz on two pieces of toast.

“Just saying. They would. Did I not go out and buy TWO sexy outfits for you? To wear on New Year's Eve? Not just one, babe. TWO. And believe me, they are way out of my comfort zone. But it’s what you wanted so I went and found ones I thought you’d find incredibly hot. And just might make you self combust in record time.”

“I’m not supposed to do that until AFTER I get you out of the outfits.”

“You said sexy, so I got sexy. And think about it. Think about how hot you make me on a regular basis. Extremely hot, right? So if I say you in skinny jeans would make me even MORE hot…”

“So if I put them on whenever I want sex, I’ll immediately get it?”

Esme nods. “More than likely.”

“And if I want to add to my mile high club points, I just need to wear them on the plane?”

“If your children aren’t there, yup.”

“Fine.” He sets the plate of toast down in front of her. “I’ll get the damn skinny jeans. But I don’t ever want to hear you say I never do anything nice for you.”

“I never say that to begin with, so…” she tilts her face up towards him, hand on his hip as he leans down to peck her lips.

She never tires of it. The random embraces; wrapping his arms around her from behind while she stands at the stove or the washing machine or while standing in front of the bathroom sink brushing her teeth. Curling an arm around her waist and pulling her tightly into his side during their walks on the beach or always taking her hand while strolling through town. The little unexpected kisses; placed up on her temples or cheeks or the corners of her mouth or dropped onto the top of her head. Even at the dinner table or while sitting on the couch he always finds a way to maintain physical contact; sides of thighs touching or a foot resting against hers, shoulders or elbows lightly pressed together. It had taken years for him to open up to both accepting and giving affection; a childhood wracked with horrendous abuse and no love shown, a first marriage whose novelty had worn off quick and gone cold and stale, years building up walls around his heart to avoid connecting with anyone and therefore preventing the brutal sting of loss.

Out of nowhere it had all come together, and the change in him was like night and day. He didn’t initially stiffen up when embraced and became quick with the touches and the hugs and the kisses. Suddenly comfortable with both verbal and physical expressions of adoration and love. Now she cherishes every single moment of it. Knowing how far he’s come and how hard he’s had to work; so willing to sacrifice personal comfort to be the kind of man he felt she wanted, needed, AND deserved.

“You’re kinda cute, you know that,” she comments, biting into a slice of toast as she watches him; the way the muscles in his arms bulge and twist with even the simple task of scooping ice cream. It never gets old. Seeing the way his body moves and how it feels under her fingertips; hard muscle and smooth skin that boosts a handful of scars of various shapes and sizes.

He casts a grin over his shoulder. “Just kinda?”

“Very cute,” she declares. “And hot. And sexy. And oh so fuckable.”

“All those things rolled into one, huh?”

“You’re quite the catch,” she says, leaning back against him when he stands behind her stool; tilting her head back and smiling up at him as he reaches past her body to set the bowls on the counter. “I lucked out. I knew you had potential. The day I met you in your little shack. I knew a good thing when I saw it.”

“I was half in the bag and feeling pretty damn good from Oxy. Hardly a good thing.”

“Please, you looked so freaking hot. With that shirt tight around your arms and your kick ass haircut and your blue eyes and your nice butt. You know what was REALLY sexy? When your hair would fall across your forehead. That did funny things to my insides.”

“Just back then or…?”

“Still does it to me even now.” She reaches up to push the wayward tresses off her forehead, smiling when he presses a line of kisses down the bridge of her nose. “And I don’t care what you say. You ARE cute. We’re going to forever agree to disagree on this one, But I did, you know. See the potential in you.”

“Let me guess. It was all in my eyes?”

“And your smile. The way you smiled at me was...I don’t know...different. Than the way anyone else ever smiled at me.”

He sidles up beside her, snagging one of the spoons and digging into his ice cream. “Something tells me you’ve had a lot of guys smile at you.”

“Not a lot. A few. But none of them have ever smiled at me the way you do.”

“That’s because they don’t love you. I do.”

“You didn’t love me when you first smiled at me. It was still a different kind of smile.”

“That was a ‘damn she’s cute, I wouldn’t mind banging her’ smile.”

She gives a derisive snort.

“What? You WERE cute. In those little shorts and that tank top and your piercings and your ink. I was impressed. And for the record, I DID want to bang you. Right away. You were fresh meat.”

“Oh my god,” she rolls her eyes and tears a piece of toast off with her teeth.

“You were. I’d never seen you before. You just showed up on my doorstep. Like this little present being delivered just for me. And I hadn’t sex in four months, so….”

“Poor baby. My heart bleeds for you.”

“You were a new face, had a wicked little body on you, a tongue ring. Is it any wonder why I wanted to rail you?”

“That’s all I was to you. Fresh meat. A new piece of ass.”

“At first. But then I got to know you and everything changed. Very quickly, I might add.”

“It was rather quick,” Esme admits. “Do you ever regret it? How quickly it DID happen?”

“What guy in their right mind is going to regret banging you?”

“I don’t mean the sex. I mean everything else. The whole quiet stuff afterwards. The cuddling and…”

“Okay, let’s get one thing straight. You cuddled up to me.”

“Tyler, give it a rest. It’s been twelve and a half years. I’ve known for a long time that you actually enjoy cuddling. And you’re a master at it. You enjoyed it that first night. You hung back a bit, but you gave in pretty quick.”

“I don’t know…” he shrugs, and a slight blush creeps into his cheeks and the tips of ears. “...I was comfortable with you. It felt...nice.”

“Are you blushing? You are! Baby…” she stands on the bottom rung of the stool and presses a kiss to his temple. “...you’re so freaking adorable.”

He frowns, gently using his elbow to push her away. “Stop it.”

“Blushing. With your wife. Who you’ve known for more than a decade. Who is the last person you should get embarrassed in front of.”

“Esme…”

“Why would you be embarrassed? Tae…” she nuzzles his cheek with the tip of her nose, then sits back down on the stool. “...God I love you.”

“I don’t like talking about this stuff. The...I don’t know...emotional stuff. I can talk about sex all day, every day. But THAT? The other stuff that went down between us?”

“That other stuff was amazing and beautiful. And totally not what I expected from you. That’s what made it so great. This big, muscly, tattooed and scarred up mercenary being so cuddly and spilling his guts and crying to me and…”

“Oh fuck…” he groans. “....can we not do this? Talk about this stuff? Please?”

“I’m just saying that the after stuff? That was pretty amazing too. And you don’t need to be embarrassed about it. I mean, you ended up marrying the person you did all that stuff with. You’ve had kids with her. Seven of them. You don’t have to be embarrassed about that stuff. About anything, actually.”

“It’s just not who I am. Even now. I don’t talk about that stuff. I’m not comfortable with it.”

“Even with me?”

“It’s nothing to do with you. I just get..I don’t know...weirded out. I liked it, alright. Being like that with you. It had been a long time since I’d done anything even remotely like that. And it felt good. It felt right. YOU felt right.”

“Strange, huh? Totally wrong place, totally wrong time. But it felt so good.”

“It did,” he agrees, and presses a kiss to the corner of her mouth.. “And I don’t regret a damn thing about it. About you. About us.”

Smiling, she curls an arm around his waist and leans into him; hand repeatedly stroking his lower back as she takes turns delving into her ice cream and enjoying the cheese toast. The silence between them has never been awkward; neither ever feeling the need to fill the minutes with mindless chit chat. It’s companionable and it’s relaxing; the close proximity of their bodies and their familiar smells is its own form of intimacy. It’s the comfortableness that exists between two people that have seen each other at every stage of their lives. The lowest of the lowest and the highest of the highs . Grieving AND celebrating. Bloodied, battered and broken and in near perfect health. Who’ve experienced the miracle of birth and the devastation of loss. Who had seen each other at their very worst right at the start, yet still chose one another. And STILL keep choosing each other. Every day. Regardless of the pain and obstacles thrown in their direction.

*****

“It’s weird that Riley and Sheana left so soon after dinner,” Esme breaks the silence, pushing her empty plate away; using the spoon to swirl now melting ice cream around in the bowl. “I thought they’d stay longer. They usually do.”

“Probably just tired. It’s a long flight. Sometimes we handle it well, other times we feel like complete and utter shit for a couple days.”

“Is it wrong that I’m glad they decided to stay at a hotel this time? I love my sister. And Shaena. Dearly. But I can not handle any more extra people in this house. Not when we’ve got so much to do and Ovi’s wedding is right around the corner. House guests are the last thing I need to be dealing with.”

“I was thinking I’m more glad they chose the hotel because I didn’t want to hear them getting busy. Weird, considering the kind of porn I used to watch. When I was single and having to tend to my own business all the time.”

“Oh please. You probably had all kinds of Sheilas on speed dial. And USED to watch? You STILL watch that stuff.”

“I’ll have you know, that I haven’t watched any that doesn’t involve me and you….or just you...in years. Why do I need to? I’m married to a goddess. Why watch fake shit when I watch the real stuff? It’s got the most beautiful girl in the world in it. The woman I love. What’s hotter than that?”

‘“You have issues, you know that?”

“If my issue is that I love and lust you, then yeah. I guess I do. I DO have issues. And trust me, babe. Those videos? Fucking amazing. Gets the job done. In record time.”

“Oh God,” Esme groans. “I do NOT need to hear this.”

He leans into her, playfully nudging her with his elbow. “Do you want to watch them with me? Tonight? Get you in the mood?”

“You think that’s what it takes for me to get in the mood?”

“No. I know it doesn’t take much for me to get you there. It would just be really hot. Watching them with you. Do something nice for me.”

“I do plenty of nice things for you. Who went from once a year butt stuff to near daily?”

“But you like that though. That’s why you give it up more. Just watch it with me. Just one of them. And then we’ll make another one. On New Year's Eve.”

Sighing heavily, she shakes her head. “Remind me again why I married you?”

“Because I dick you down like no one else ever has. And because of my eyes. And my butt. Probably my voice too.”

“The whole trifecta. Eyes, butt, voice.”

“And because you love me,” he adds, and lightly and teasingly ruffles her hair. “That’s the main reason.”

“Yes,” she agrees. “I DO love you. Despite what’s in my best interests. And you’re right; Shaena and Riley DO get a little...wild.”

“And loud. Very loud.”

“You realize we do too, right? That we can be insanely loud.”

“No. YOU can be insanely loud. You’re the loud one.”

“Yeah, you’re the groaner and the growler and the swearer, I forgot.” She spoons the remains of the ice cream into her mouth. “I still think they left way too early. Totally uncharacteristic of them. Did everything go okay? When you talked to her?”

“Best as can be expected, I guess.”

“You totally lost your shit on her, didn’t you.”

“Did you hear me yelling?” He gathers up the empty bowls and carries them to the sink. “Throwing shit around?”

“You long ago mastered the art of losing your shit WITHOUT doing any of that.” She swivels her seat around; watching as he rinses the dishes and cutlery and then loads them into the dishwasher. “Tyler James…”

Smirking, he dries his palms on the thighs of his shorts. “Esme Michelle…”

“You did, didn’t you? Lost it.”

“I may have been a little harsh. No more than she was.”

“Riley harsh? Never.”

Leaning back against the dishwasher, he crosses his arms over his chest. “I said what I needed to say.”

“Which was?”

“I told her that you ‘fessed up. About the whole fake girls weekend thing. And I said I was pissed. That she didn’t call me. Let me know what was going on. That I had a right to know that my wife was in a crisis.”

“I wasn’t in a crisis. I was…”

“I had a right to know,” he forcibly repeats. “My wife calls her sister and says she wants to kill herself? That is definitely something I should have been told.”

“She only kept it quiet because I asked her to. I made her promise not to tell you. I was worried; I didn’t want you going off the deep end hearing something like that. I didn’t want you spiralling because I was.”

“You think I’m THAT weak? That I couldn’t handle hearing that?”

“I don’t think you’re weak at all. I’ve never thought that. You’re the strongest person I know. In every possible way. But I didn’t want to put something else on you. You were away on job. You needed to stay focused on it. It was your priority.”

“YOU’RE my priority,” he retorts. “ There’s not a job in this world that could EVER be more important. In fact, other than my kids? NOTHING is more important than you. You never should have asked Riley to lie for you. You shouldn’t have put that on her. That wasn’t fair to her.”

“I know,” Esme admits. “But I wasn’t exactly in my right mind, was I. And at that time, keeping it from you seemed like the best thing. For everyone. I didn’t want to add more to your plate. The business was just starting to really take off and things were crazy busy and you had a lot going on. I didn’t want to give you more to deal with. I didn’t want to burden you.”

“You’re my wife. You could never be a burden. If you’d called me, I would have gotten on the next plane home. I would have talked you down and got you off that ledge and I would have come back to Australia. You know I would have.”

“I do know you would have. Which is why I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want all that extra on you. You were busy and…”

“I am never too busy when it comes to my family,” he interjects. “You are the most important thing in my life. Nothing else comes close. And I know you think you need to protect me, but I am more than capable of handling things like this. When I have I not stepped up? When I have not shoved my own shit aside to take care of you? When have I not been there when you needed me?”

“You’ve always stepped up. You’ve always put everything aside for me. I’m not arguing that. I’m not saying you wouldn’t have come home or that you wouldn’t have dropped everything to get back to me. I KNOW you would have. But I wasn’t in my right mind. It was telling me I needed to keep it from you. For all the reasons I’ve told you over and over again. It wasn’t to hurt you, Tyler. I would never, EVER, hurt you.”

“Well it did hurt,” he confesses. “A lot. The fact you turned to her instead of me.”

“She was right next door. You were thousands of miles away,” Esme attempts to reason. “I needed help right there and then.”

“And I would have helped you. If you’d called. But you didn’t. You didn’t even give me the chance.”

“It wasn’t intentional. I was scared and I was panicking and I just acted in the moment. That’s it. I wasn’t thinking rationally. I wasn’t thinking ‘hey, let’s find a way to hurt Tyler’s feelings’. Because I would never do that and you know it.”

“She should have called me. You might not have been in your right mind, but she was. And she should have gotten a hold of me. That’s what I told her.”

“And what did she say?”

“That she did what her sister asked. That that’s where her loyalty lies. With you. And I told her that you being my wife and the mother of my kids totally trumps the relationship she has with you. What if you’d never gotten a hold of her? What if that pushed you right over the edge and you had done something?”

“I wasn’t thinking about any of that. I was freaking out and my brain was all messed up. I wasn’t thinking rationally.”

“One of our kids would have found you. And I can’t stop thinking about that. The fact you wouldn’t have been around in the morning and one of them would have went looking for you and they would have found you. Do you know what that would have done to them? Seeing that? That’s your kids. MY kids.”

“What do you want me to say, Tyler? I’ve already said I was sorry. Do you want to say it a million times more? Because I will. Yeah, I should have called. And when I WAS in the right frame of mind again, I realized how badly I fucked up. Because in the end, it was you that I wanted. It was you I wanted taking care of me. Not Riley. Not some stupid psychiatric hospital. YOU.”

“I can’t pretend that it didn’t bother me. That it didn’t hurt. The fact you didn’t trust me with it. With you.”

“You have that right. To be hurt. And I’m sorry. Because that is NOT what I meant to do. I would never pick anyone over you. EVER. And I’m sorry I did. If I could go back, I’d do everything differently. But I can’t. And I know you’re hurt and you’re pissed and you probably hate me right now…”

“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. I love you. Which is I wanted to be the one to take care of you. Because I DO love you. We’re supposed to be a team, Esme. We’re supposed to be in this together. And sometimes….I don’t know...sometimes I don’t think you’re as invested in that part of things as I am.”

“That’s not fair. I have given everything to you. Right from the beginning. I was willing to give up my life for you. On that bridge. I gave up my family. Any friends I had. I moved to a country on the other side of the world. I started a whole new existence. For you.”

“I didn’t hold a gun to your head,” he reminds her. “ You made the decisions you did on your own.”

“Because I was in love with you. Because I wanted to be with you. But I still gave everything up. And I feel like I keep giving and giving and giving. And I’m scared one day there’s going to be nothing left to give. Then what? I won’t be of any use to you. Or our kids. “

“So somehow it’s my fault? That you keep giving and giving? Like you’re the only one that’s being doing that? I gave up things too. Most of them I needed to. The booze, the Oxy, the living in some crappy little shack in the outback. Those needed to go. But I also gave up everything I knew for you. I walked away from the job. TWICE. And I know I got sucked back in…”

“It wasn’t your fault. You had no control over that.”

“...but I started that business for you. Because you didn’t want me going out there anymore. You didn’t want me getting my hands dirty. Putting myself in the fire.”

“Do you blame me? Tyler, you have a wife. You have SEVEN kids! Why would you risk yourself when you have so much to lose? Especially when you’re not a hundred percent. You know damn well you’re not where you were thirteen years ago. You’ve admitted that yourself. Why would you go out there under those circumstances? Leave your family? People who love you? Why would you…?”

“Because I’m a selfish bastard, Esme. Just like everyone says I am. Have you ever thought maybe they’re right? That I really AM that person?”

“You’re not. You’re selfless, if anything. You’re not who they say you are. You never have been. Where is this coming from? I thought we were talking about Riley? How did it turn into being about us? Into a fight? How…?”

“I’m not trying to fight with you. I’m not.”

She valiantly holds back a flood of tears. “It sure as hell feels like you are.”

He finally approaches her. Crossing the room in two long strides and gathering her in his embrace; one hand resting on the small of her back and the other buried in her hair. “I’m sorry.” Gentle pressure draws her head into his chest; fingertips softly massaging her scalp. “I didn’t mean to take shit out on you. That’s the last thing I wanted to do. But I was angry. I still am. More at her than you. You weren’t thinking right. She was. She knew better.”

Wrapping her arms around his waist, she turns her teary face up towards him. “She was just doing what I asked. And at the time it seemed like the right thing. I’d give anything to go back and do things differently.”

“Don’t cry, baby. Please don’t cry.”

“I know I hurt you. I never meant to. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“So am I. For making you cry. I fucking HATE when you cry.”

“I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. Crying. I think it’s my hormones. Oh God..." she chews anxiously on her bottom lip. "...maybe I’m starting menopause.”

“Or maybe you’re just married to a humongous asshole.”

“No, that’s not it. You’re not THAT big of an asshole.”

He stares down at her pointedly.

“You are a bit of one. You know you are. So don’t look at me like that.”

“Yet here you are,” he uses the front of his muscle to clear the tears off her cheeks and wipe her runny nose. “Twelve and a half years later. Putting up with it.”

“The sex is good. Really good. Really, really, REALLY good.”

“I knew it. Just using me for my body. And my dick.”

“That’s it,” she sniffles. “That’s all it’s ever been about. Your body and your penis.”

“You know, I’m just enough in love with you to accept that. And put up with it.”

“I love you. More than you could ever know. I love you more and more every day. Please tell me you never doubt that.”

“I don’t,” he assures her, then gently cradles her face in his palms and presses a tender kiss to her lips. “And I never will.”

[moldisgoodforyou]

the pregnancy scare

warning: cursing (always!), mentions of sex, mentions of period/pregnancy

wordcount: 2.5k

it was reckless, and stupid, but after a night out, jj and charlie were both drunk and forgot the condom until he was in her, close to reaching their high. then she paused, tugging his hair to get his attention. “j, baby, we forgot a step.”

“what step?” he asked, confused.

“um...I don’t remember. something’s missing.” charlie shook her head, too focused on her boyfriend and her slightly blurred vision to think. “dunno.” 

after a few more minutes of lazy thrusting and both of them reaching their peak, they realized at the same time. jj pulled out of her, and got up to amble to the restroom like usual. “the condom.” jj mumbled, eyes wide. 

“fuck.” charlie echoed, biting her lip. “no, I’m on the pill, it’ll be fine.”

“you’re sure? we can get you plan b in the morning.” he offered, pulling on his boxers and crawling back into bed with her.

she wrinkled her nose. “no, no, it’s fine. let’s just go to sleep.”

_

unfortunately, her track record with taking the pill on time was on par with jj’s track record of remembering anything after a drunken night out - basically nonexistent. they had completely forgotten about it the next day and woke up around 1pm, limbs tangled around each other. 

jj woke first, nudging her shoulder. “charlie. we gotta get up.” she groaned, burying her face into his chest. “don’t wanna. if I get up, I’ll be hungover.” he laughed, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “and you’re not right now?” she lifted her head and caught his lips in a chaste kiss. “no, because I’m not up.” 

“well I have a half hour to get to my intramural game, and you’re supposed to coach us again. you drew that new route, remember?” he tried persuading her. she groaned and sat up finally, annoyed. “there are twenty guys on the whole team and you’re all useless on the field. it makes no sense.” 

he grinned. “so you won’t get up for me but you’ll get up for my football game?” she nodded, rubbing her eyes with a yawn. “like I said. I’m not dating a shitty athlete.” she squealed as he grabbed her around the waist, pulling her against his chest. “take that back, walker!” he exclaimed, nipping her neck. (they were ten minutes late to the game that day.)

_

the next couple weeks, charlie continued taking her pill in her usual manner - at 8pm one day, 3am the next, two in one day if she forgot the day before. then she passed the placebo week - and realized nothing came. 

her period had been late before, so she ignored it, chalking it up to weird hormones. but...two weeks later, she started to get worried. she confessed to her best friend, grace, what was going on, and grace immediately made her go and buy a pregnancy test. at first they joked about it in the CVS, then charlie’s anxiety set in on the car ride home. 

“grace, what if I’m...” 

grace shook her head, confident. “you’re not. there’s no way.” 

“I can’t handle a child right now. I can barely take care of myself.” charlie confessed. “grace, I had cheerios with grape juice for breakfast because we ran out of milk.” 

grace gave her a look. “look, charlie, first of all, you’re not pregnant. second of all, that’s disgusting. you couldn’t eat cheerios dry?” 

charlie shrugged. “I don’t know! see, I can’t be a parent!” 

grace pulled into their driveway and the two of them went upstairs, straight to their shared bathroom. grace ushered charlie inside, taking a seat outside the door. “let me know when you’re done.” 

a few minutes later, charlie opened the door, the pregnancy test sitting on a carefully folded square of toilet paper on the counter. “it’s gotta be a no, right? like, there’s no way. I’m just going crazy.” 

grace nodded, hopping up to sit on the counter. “you’re fine. you’re totally fine! how much longer?” 

charlie nodded to a timer set on her phone. “three minutes.” 

it was the longest three minutes of her life.

as the timer went off, charlie took a step back. “I can’t look. you do it.” grace paused, reaching for the stick. “you sure?” 

she nodded. “please. tell me the good news.” 

grace hopped off the counter, then hesitated. “um.” 

charlie’s eyes grew wide. “you’re kidding.” grace held it out toward her, shaking her head. “I don’t know. that’s faint, right? like hardly two lines?” charlie took the test, examining it, then felt like her heart was going to jump out of her chest. “those are bold, grace. that’s positive.” 

grace winced. “those can be wrong all the time. and you have bad eyesight, I wouldn’t be so sure -” 

“no, that’s definitely fucking positive.” charlie interrupted, staring at the stick. “...what are you gonna do? tell jj?” grace asked, taking it from her to refocus her attention. charlie shook her head, right away. “hell no. I...I’m going to not think about it this week, because I have two tests and a big kinesiology lab and I can’t afford to fuck those up.” 

grace frowned. “okay, we’re scheduling a doctor’s appointment on friday then. after all that.” charlie shook her head. “jj will know something’s up, it’ll have to be saturday. I’ll say I have some kappa thing.” 

“are you sure you shouldn’t tell him? I mean...it’s his dick that got you into this mess.” grace reasoned. charlie rolled her eyes. “one week will be fine. I’m just going to ignore it! it’s fine. I’m fine!” she tried convincing herself, her voice getting higher pitched with stress. grace set her hands on charlie’s shoulders, trying to center her. “hey! it’s fine. secret’s safe with me.” 

_

charlie did exactly that, ignoring the situation all week. she also ignored jj, afraid she would spill at a moment’s notice. jj chalked it up to stress from school, knowing she had a lot to deal with that week. to make matters worse, he was the ideal boyfriend - dropping off food in the library for her, keeping her company as she stayed up to study, walking her home from a late night group project meeting. 

he could sense something was off, the way she didn’t lean into his touch like normal, or how she flinched away when he tried to press a kiss to her temple as she studied. he was a little annoyed, and wanted her attention, but stayed sweet anyway. 

friday night, he walked her home, hand in hand. when she gave him a goodnight kiss at the door, not inviting him in, he was a little hurt. “I thought you wanted to watch that new movie tonight, after all your work was done this week?” he questioned, catching her hand to try and pull her in again. charlie shook her head, pulling away and reaching for the door. “not tonight, I want to get ahead on a paper. night, jj.” he frowned. “love you. goodnight, walker.” she nodded, going inside without another word. 

he got about five minutes home on his walk before he realized she had his keys stuffed in her backpack from earlier, after he had complained about not having pockets. he turned on his heel and walked back, not realizing that charlie was having an existential crisis in the living room over a bowl of ice cream with grace. 

he punched in the code to the keypad, then walked in - at just the wrong moment. 

“and you’re 100% sure two lines is positive?” grace questioned, holding the stick in her hand. 

“what’s positive? do you have a fever or something?” jj asked as he strolled into the living room, mistaking the pregnancy test for a thermometer. 

the two girls froze, glancing at jj then sharing a glance of simultaneous panic. 

“uh...I’m gonna go.” grace quickly excused herself, wrapping the test back up then setting it on the coffee table. she practically ran upstairs, leaving jj utterly confused. 

he knelt down to press his hand to charlie’s forehead, concerned. “are you sick? is that why you’ve been weird all week?” he reached for the pregnancy test and charlie lunged for it, holding it out of his reach. “no! no, I’m not sick. just, uh, busy with studying.” she lied horribly, a telltale blush rising to her cheeks. 

jj frowned. “what is that?” 

charlie swallowed what felt like a lump in her throat. “um. well. you see, it’s a funny story.” 

jj furrowed his brow and took the test from her, charlie not resisting. he looked it over, confused. “this is a weird thermometer.” 

charlie bit her lip. “well, you see, it’s not a thermometer. um. it’s a pregnancy test. and it’s positive.” she rambled. “so. uh. surprise!” 

jj shook his head. “no, that’s not right.” 

charlie raised her eyebrows. “no, it’s right.” 

he shook his head again. “no, you’ve been acting strange, and kind of rude, frankly - no offense - but you’re always like this on your period. so you have it this week. right?” 

charlie frowned, yanking the test away from him. “my period is late, jj. I’m pregnant. two lines means I’m pregnant.” 

that was the first time she had said those words out loud, and they sunk in for both of them in silence for a few seconds. jj sputtered, tugging at his hair. “you’re pregnant? oh my god.” he started pacing around the living room, not looking at her. “oh my god. that’s fine, that’s totally fine. um. good job, char...great...uterus.” 

charlie reached out, smacking him upside the head. “I’m not having your baby, idiot, I’m 21! god damnit, focus!” 

jj yelped, rubbing his head. “careful with the name calling, jesus!” her words finally made it to his brain. “wait, you’re not having the baby?” 

she shook her head. “god, no, that’s not in my ten year plan. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow anyway, then I’ll get a blood test and see for real.” 

jj visibly relaxed, then frowned. “you were going to go without me? when were you going to tell me?” charlie faltered. “I...I don’t know. I was stressed out, and I didn’t want to think about it this week with all my tests and whatever.” she reached out, locking her fingers with his. “but I want you to come. tomorrow.” 

he nodded, pulling her into a tight hug. “okay. it’ll be okay. we got this.” 

_

the next morning, he drove her to the doctor’s office, squeezing the life out of her hand the entire time. they didn’t talk, charlie just stared out the window and jj kept his eyes on the road like his life depended on it. (she didn’t see that he took the less-trafficked route that was a little safer - just in case.) he was uber-protective as they went into the doctor’s office, foot tapping anxiously once they sat in the waiting room. 

her name was called and he stood, ready to follow her in, but she shook her head. “I think I have to go alone, j.” charlie told him apologetically, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll be quick.” jj frowned but nodded, giving her a quick kiss back. “you got this. negative blood.” he joked. she offered a weak smile back, clearly nervous as she followed the nurse back into the offices. 

she came out a bit later, holding a couple pamphlets about pregnancy and looking a little pale. jj wasn’t much better, having thought about kids the entire time she was in with the doctor. “how’d it go?” he greeted, looping an arm around her shoulders as they walked out. she shrugged. “they’ll call me in two to three days. probably three, because the lab isn’t open on sunday.” 

“shit.” jj mumbled, gripping her shoulders tighter. she shook her head. “it’ll be fine! we’ll just...go about life like normal, without a baby, because I’m not pregnant. if I say it out loud enough times it’ll happen.” jj sighed. “I don’t think that manifesting shit actually works, charlie -” 

he was met with a glare. “do you want a baby, jj? at 21? while we’re still in college?” 

he shook his head quickly. “no!” 

she nodded, resolute. “right. say it with me. not pregnant.” she repeated herself a couple more times until he joined in. “not pregnant.” they said in tandem. 

that became their manifesto over the next few days, at every opportunity. when she poured herself a glass of wine the second they got home, then they both reconsidered (just in case). he took the glass from her, taking a long gulp. “not pregnant.” 

“not pregnant.” charlie echoed, pouring herself a glass of grape juice instead. 

_ 

charlie got the call three days later, in class. her hands were shaking as she declined the call, unable to do anything during the lecture. the doctor’s office left a voicemail and the second she got out of class, she sprinted the two miles to the beta house, backpack bouncing with every step. she was out of breath as she jogged up the stairs to jj’s room, pushing past a few pledges without as much as a hello. 

she practically kicked in jj’s door and he glanced up from the bed, confused. “what is wrong with you?” she opened her mouth to speak then shook her head, hands on her knees for a second as she caught her breath. “doctor. doctor called.” 

“not pregnant.” jj immediately responded. charlie dropped her backpack to the floor and fished out her phone, then tossed it to him. “you play it. I can’t.” he shook his head. “no, you do it. it’s your phone. it’s your uterus.” 

“jj, if you talk about my uterus one more time, I will rip your fucking head off.” 

“if this is you not pregnant, you’re going to be hell while you’re pregnant.” 

“jj!” 

he raised his hands in surrender. “okay, okay, fine!” he typed in her passcode and she sat on the bed next to him, then grabbed the phone away to turn on the volume. 

“hi charlotte, this is dr. brown from the clinic. I was just calling to tell you about your results from your blood test. we sent them through the lab on Monday -” 

“good god, woman, just tell us.” jj got out through gritted teeth, tense.

“and I wanted to let you know the results are negative. you’re not pregnant. call if you have -”

jj and charlie sat in complete silence for a moment as they processed, then yelled at the exact same time, not hearing the rest of the message. “not pregnant!” charlie exclaimed, grinning for what felt like the first time since the doctor’s. “not pregnant!” jj yelled back, picking her up by the waist and spinning her in a circle. 

charlie giggled as he set her down. she grabbed jj’s face with both her hands, pulling him in for a deep kiss. he grinned into the kiss, then pulled back to rest his forehead on hers. “I thought you didn’t want a baby, charlie.” she stepped back, glaring. “jj maybank, I will hurt you.” he laughed at the empty threat. 

“can we get margs?” she asked, grabbing his car keys. “it’s 1pm. on a tuesday.” jj countered, raising his eyebrows. charlie held up the keys, jingling them. “a celebration. not pregnant.” he laughed, wrapping his arm around her waist and ushering her out the door. “not pregnant.” 

[nissakii]

How to find Motivation in Sports Anime

The human body is a very complex structure, every organ in your body, every ligament and every nerve works to keep us healthy. And like a machine that needs to be oiled and tended to have it last for a long while, our bodies need nutrition in many ways to live a healthy and fulfilling life.

Today, we are going to talk about exercise and how we can gather the motivation to get up and work on our physical health from nothing other than sports anime.

You heard me right!

While watching anime is ironically an activity you will most likely perform while sitting or laying down, let us look together why physical activity is important, how that relates to anime and what to do after striking the match of motivation!

We hear it from everyone around us, especially people who are active themselves and even doctors.

Exercise is good for you! It’s good for your body and mind!

But why is that so?

Well firstly, like the example with the machine suggests, our body responds extremely well to exercise if it is done correctly. In this instance it is always better to start slow and look at what is best for yourself which might differ considering your age, gender or other attributes.

Rigorous and controlled movement of your body makes you sweat, which might be unpleasant at the beginning if you don’t like much exercise, but we can’t really see what’s happening on the inside. As you move more and more, your blood circulates a lot quicker through your body to deploy oxygen into your organs. If you're actually interested in an anime more on that note, here's the link to Makii's Hataraku Saibou post!

With your oxygen levels raised, you’re straying further from the possibilities of heart diseases and even heart attacks. It also helps to lower your blood sugar and insulin levels which is very beneficial for prevention of diabetes or for people who used to smoke, as it prevents withdrawal symptoms more efficiently.

It’s not just the physical aspects of your body that are being mended, but exercise is also an extremely good measure to enhance your mood and mental health. Not to say that sports will solve all of your problems in an instant, but look at it this way; while exercising your body releases chemicals such as dopamine and endorphins in your brain that not only elevate your mood but are also essential for your general well-being. You even exterminate substances that make you feel worse, which is why oten after a workout you tend to feel exhausted but a good kind of exhausted.

Another great factor to include is sleep schedule!

Often enough we are torn between wake and sleep, as we can’t really get our mind to shut off after a long day. After some tough exercise your body will automatically deplete its own energy resources, as it's naturally easier to fall asleep when you’re tired. The longer you have built up your routine of including exercise in your life, the better your sleep schedule will adjust!

If actual units of exercise aren't your style, don't worry! There's a variety of things you can try, even stretching can help a lot in regulating your physical health and is a great way to wind down as you focus on each of your muscles.

Now after all of these facts about exercise which will probably sound a bit dull, how do we incorporate anime into this?

Do you know that feeling when you watch a new anime and you just want to dive into that world to see it for yourself?

Anime often incorporates a great deal of hype element, keeping us on our toes while watching so we stick with the extremes that are being displayed no matter the genre.

It’s the same with sports anime, right?

Just as much as the shounen protagonist in a fantasy world wants to defeat the villain and save humankind, the drive behind that one athlete to defeat everyone and win his favorite tournament is just as strong! In this case, we can even relate more to the anime character in a sports anime as his world is definitely closer to our real world as well.

Especially since we’re often shown the narrative of the underdog who fights tooth and nail to become the strongest, we can look at ourselves and think “If they can do it, I can too!”.

Of course the reason for the underdog becoming so strong is the intense workload they put on themselves to see quick and amazing results.

Another great thing sports bring are the teams.

In anime those teams can become more than just friends but more than a family, and to see so many different people work together is also a huge motivator.

Our brain immediately sees what can happen after a portion of hard work and that is precisely why we are suddenly so motivated after watching an episode of our current favorite sports anime. We envision ourselves what it could be like to be part of a team, dream or goal that we would do anything for.

Constant challenges and emotional outburst are not only part of the show that is animation, but also exist in real life! People dedicate everything they have into their sport just as much as an anime character might! Or they won't! Sometimes it's all just for the sheer fun of it all, and if the stiff rulings of a team feel more confining to you, be sure that there's those happy go lucky teams everywhere in real-life as well as in anime!

The sheer rivalry between characters that have only their sport in mind is immensely empowering, and therefore a good reason to start your own journey into a new sport whichever kind you might prefer.

Now if you can’t or don’t want to grab onto your next volley- or baseball or catch the next bus to your track field or gym, there’s other ways to blend a bit of healthy exercise into your life!

Hobby teams of most sports are able to be found almost everywhere, but if you have a busy schedule and simply joining a club is too much right now, try to trick yourself into sneaking some exercise into your daily life! You might for example take the stairs instead of taking the elevator all the time, or try to do short span runs or even jumps while doing some other activity! How about leaving essential stuff like food or your water bottle scattered around your place so you'll be forced to walk around to get it?

Try to see it as your personal ‘I have to become the best hero/player/fighter montage’ if the exercises seem dull! Imagine how some of your favorite heroes in anime have done the same so far!

An easy way to motivate yourself is to get friends and family involved! I myself have a hard time getting myself to exercise regularly on my own, but as soon as another person steps in the obligation kicks in and so could your motivation!

Another way that’s a bit less social but just as effective could be to exercise while watching a show you would watch anyway. Or rewatch something old you’ve had in your mind anyways, you could even try an audio book or something else in the background to get you through your reps!

And one more thing to conclude: it is never too late.

Don’t let yourself be discouraged by people telling you that you can’t do something. Whatever the reason might be, anyone can do anything if they just set their mind to it properly and stick to their goal with discipline.

I’m the last person who would call herself the epitome of discipline, quite the contrary, but there have been people in my life who have always taught me not to give up and stay positive, so I shall give you the same wisdom!

Now let’s go out there and take matters into our own hands! Until the next teatime!

This tea is so good! Wanna share?

-Nissa

[korra-the-red-lion]

Unnatural Affairs. Chapter 3: Rookie Hazing?

(Lyn)

My breathing fell into my familiar breathing pattern as I jogged through the town. The early morning sun was peeking through the clouds, trying to be seen. My music was blasting through my earbuds as I turned to go through the walking trail this morning.

Today was the first day of actual classes and practices. Me and a few of the others already have been to the pool a bunch this week, but this is when shit got real. After the disappointing loss to Turner University at last year’s AUS, Coach Jacob and team really wanted to get the title this year. It was one thing to lose, it was another thing all together to lose by 1 fucking point. Ugh, even just thinking about it pissed me off. Turner is a good school, don’t get me wrong. But man, we worked our assess off last year.

I passed by an older couple going out for their usual morning walk. I waved to them as I always do, earning a smile in return. I liked the coziness of this small town. Being able to see the same people every morning doing their routine as I did was relaxing and brought a sense of calm to my otherwise chaotic life.

I sprinted the final couple of kilometers home, slowing down as I approached the track around the football field. Loryn, Maddie, and Andrew where already there, chatting as they stretched for their early morning workout.

Loryn smiled when she saw me coming and tossed me my water bottle. I pulled out my music and took a huge swig from it. “Thanks, I really needed that,” I said. I lifted the end of my shirt and wiped the sweat and water off my face.

“No problem-o,” she responded. “How was your run?”

“Same as usual,” I said as I take another drink.

Andrew walked over and gave me a huge hug. “Ready for the season, Lyn?”

I nodded into his shoulder, holding onto his shirt. Andrew was the captain of the Men’s team, and he was like an older brother to me. This was his last year on the team, and I really wanted to win the championship for him and the other 4th years. They put so much into this program, and just one win would be an awesome reward for them.

“Please don’t cry, or I might start too,” he mumbled.

“Not crying,” I pulled away, grinning at him. “I’m just thinking of how lame the team’s gonna be once you finally retire from it. Are they gonna make Will the captain next year, because like, yeesh.”

This earned a laugh from Andrew. “Well, I frigging hope not. Y’all better vote for Oliver, or Thom. If Will gets the captain position next year, you’re all doomed.”

“Fuck me with a rusty screw if Will gets it,” said Maddie bitterly. “The only thing bigger than his ego is his Hummer. I swear, I will never get over his parents airlifting that thing across the fucking country.”

It’s not like we hated Will or anything, he just was a huge pain in the ass. Both his parents are doctors, and he makes a point of letting you know how much money he has. During his first year here, apparently, his parents had his Hummer helicoptered across the country so he could have it here. Not sure why he didn’t drive the damned thing instead, but the rich do very extreme and extravagant things to prove their wealth. Maddie is a 3rd year like Will, so she’s been putting up with his Will-ness longer than Loryn or I.

We did our usual morning workout routine, just to get used to the rhythm again. Medicine ball tosses to each other with an added squat. After that, 2 sets of 20 jackknifes, 2 sets of 25 crunches, and 2 sets of 1 minute plank. We did our wheelbarrow run across the football field, giggling like fools as we did. Andrew and Maddie beat me and Loryn by a fingertip. Loryn jokingly apologized for being too short, a running joke on the team.

After that, we headed to food hall. Loryn liked to make fun of me for calling it that, since it was technically called meal hall, but that’s where I get all my food, not just meals. Hence, food hall. Still, she immediately started teasing me as we got near it.

The hall was abuzz with all the new frosh and returning students talking about their classes. It was nice to see this place so lively after being essentially dead for the week. I could already hear people talking about going to First Class Bash, the big first party of the year. I never really went to those often, parties that is, since the team had a drinking ban in place as soon as the season started. Maybe if some of the guys on the team wanted to go I would, but I was just as happy to stay in with the goofballs and have our own get together.

Oh shit, speaking of. The rookie party was this weekend, actually. It almost slipped my mind. Today was their official first day. It may sound weird, but Coach Jacob liked having them come for their own practice to get used to each other and the facilities first. That way, if they don’t feel like sticking around, there’s none of that awkward shame of seeing your ex-teammates on campus. Not that anyone actually gave a shit.

I sat down next to Matt and Kerry, two members of the team. They were nearly identical twins, but with different body builds since they swam different strokes. Matt was bulkier in his shoulders and trunk cuz he swam butterfly like I did, while Kerry was leaner but a bit bowlegged from swimming breaststroke for so many years. Kerry was letting her hair grow out after shaving it last year, and it was tied up in this stupidly adorable tiny ponytail, while Matt had shaved his hair into practical buzzcut. Kerry leaned over once I was settled and pointed.

“Did you see?”

“Did I see what?” I asked as I shoved the whole fried egg into my mouth.

“Derek is sitting with Poppy.”

I rolled my eyes. Derek Freeman was one of my exes from last year. Lyn from first year got a little crazy when it came to dating, and I ended up going through 6 different people before finally calling it quits. Derek was one of them, but he was by far the worse. He got super possessive and couldn’t understand why I dumped his creepy ass. He always knew my schedule and followed me everywhere. He would wait for me outside the pool and walk back to my res with me, which would have been super sweet if he didn’t ask to come inside every single time. Even after we broke up, he still followed me places. Eventually he got the message once I started dating Willa Hoffman, but man was he annoying.

Then there was Poppy. There was nothing wrong with her, per se. We just were partners on a project last year and she nearly cost me getting an A+ in Intro to Sociology, much to my annoyance. I cared a lot, maybe a little bit too much, about my grades. So, yeah, there’s nothing that really pisses me off more when you get stuck with a shit partner for a project.

“Honestly, Ker, I don’t care,” I said. “Hell, they deserve each other IMO.”

Kerry shrugged as she got back into her seat properly, finally letting Matt get back to eating. We ate in comfortable silence before Matt spoke up.

“Gunner is on probation.”

I dropped my fork in confusion. Even Kerry looked confused. “What do you mean, Matt?” I asked, leaning against the table as I did, locking eyes with him.

He sighed and ran a hand over his head. “Okay, don’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know, but Gunner was caught doing drugs this summer. Like, coke. Anyway, Jacob heard about it and helped him through rehab and stuff, but the dean put him on probation until his grades and attitude prove that he actually got clean.”

“Shiiiiiiit,” I pushed my tray away. Leo Gunner was the best sprinter on the team, leading the Men’s team to having great scores in the relay last year. If he wasn’t allowed to swim this season, we might be in serious trouble. There was no one as fast as him. The next best would be Parker, and even then, he wasn’t near Gunner’s level.

“Oh, that’s awful,” said Kerry, putting her hand over her mouth.

Matt nodded. “Yeah, it’s shit for sure. I talked to him this morning and apparently, he’s allowed to practice, but he might not be allowed to sign up for the meets. I think Jacob might bring it up to Andrew and Emma today, but he might not let the rest of the team know just yet.”

The information sat heavy in my stomach. I walked all the way to my class with my mind racing, wondering if there was any way we could fight this decision. All conclusions came to a resounding no. The university was pretty strict about athletes using illegal substances. They only thing that probably saved his ass was that it happened this summer.

I took my usual spot near the front, waiting for the rest of the students to fill in. This was a second-year history course, and I really wanted to be psyched for it, considering history was my favourite subject, but it was hard when I was worrying about things out of my control.

“Mind if I sit?”

I looked over and nearly groaned when I saw it was Will. I nodded, but he was already taking the seat anyway. I hated sitting next to Will, he just sat on Instagram the whole time, or TikTok. Fuck my life right now.

He reached over and tugged on my ear. “Why the long face, Lyn?”

I batted his hand away. He knew I was self-conscious of how big my ears were, and he liked to pick at that at any opportunity. “No long face here, Will.” I forced a grin onto my face before turning my attention back to my desk.

“Whatever you say.”

Ugh, def getting a new seat on Thursday. I can’t deal sitting next to him and dealing with his antics at practice too. There was only so much abuse one gal could take for the day.

XXX

Thank God it was Friday!

I managed my schedule perfectly, so I had no classes on Friday. It made the other days more miserable for sure, but having a three-day weekend every week? Exactly what I needed to stay on top of things this year. Just practice in the afternoon, and I was free to enjoy myself. The rookie party was tomorrow, and they were a good batch. Loryn’s younger sister Robin joined the team this year, which was super exciting for her.

I got to enjoy breakfast without having to rush it, plus no homework was assigned this week. Today was a nice one, and I was looking forward to just being able to chill and enjoy it. As I left, I happened to notice that Ally was leaving the food hall. Grinning, I raced over to where she was.

“Hey, Ally!” I fell into step beside her.

“Lyn!” Ally looked up at me, a smile breaking out. She had her hair in this half up pinned style, it looked really good on her. Also, she was wearing different glasses today. She usually wore some rectangle ones, but these ones were like a half moon shape.

“How’s your first week, frosh?” I asked.

“Well, after the disaster that was the bookstore incident…” she looked down, thinking about something before shaking her head. “It’s been lovely. I think once I get into a nice routine, I won’t feel as anxious.”

I was curious about the whole bookstore thing, but I respected that she clearly wasn’t ready to talk about it openly with me. Fair enough, we only just met last week, and I barely have seen her since.

“Hey, well, I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself so far! Is it cool if I walk with you until your next class? I’m free.”

“Oh,” she smiled shyly at me, “that would be really nice, actually.”

I smiled back. We chatted about her classes all the way to Bennet, where her class was. I leaned against the wall as she finished explaining something about her drama class. That was a class I took in first year, but it sounds like she has Professor Kinkly, whereas I had Professor Statton. Kinkly was more by the book, Statton was know as the campus kook. I had a feeling Ally was gonna like Kinkly more.

“I guess I should head in, huh?”

“I guess you should. But hey,” I said, “we should totally hang this weekend, you know? Whatcha doing tomorrow?”

Ally looked contemplative before shaking her head. “Nothing, I think.”

“Perfect! Let’s grab a bite to eat, and you can finish telling me all about your week.”

“O-okay, sounds great!”

Ally wished me a goodbye and dashed inside, as to not be late for class. I watched her go before snorting under my breath. I liked her, she was smart and funny. It would be nice to have someone as a friend outside the team. Guess it was just my lucky day when she approached that table I forced Loryn to help me set up.  

Feeling great, I practically skipped all the way back to my res.

XXX

The smell of chlorine was something that was never going to get old. It calmed me when nothing else could. I know that sounds a little dramatic, but the pool is my second home. Didn’t matter how I felt at home or school or whatever, I could come to a pool and swim those thoughts and troubles away.

We finished with our pre-practice routines, and I jumped into the pool, shivering a little as the cold water enveloped my body. Right away everything felt amazing. Reach, pull, reach, pull. The easy lazy rhythm of the warmup let my thoughts drift away. It was nearing the end of the warmup when I caught Andrew’s eye underwater during my turn, and we ended up racing our last 25 meters. He beat me and we high fived as I hung onto the lane rope.

Coach Jacob laughed as the others finished their warmups. He was a retired swimmer himself and did things to keep himself in shape. He had one of those kind faces that really made you feel welcomed. Sure, he could be a hard ass, but he just really wanted win, like we all did.

He read practice off the board for us, and we did as was instructed. In in a blink of an eye, practice was over, and we were all hauling our asses out of the pool. Practice wasn’t too hard today, but since it’s been a while since any of us had structure like that, we all felt the ache of the week catching up with us finally.

“Okay, gather ‘round!” Coach Jacob called out. We all headed towards the bench and took seats. Loryn sat next to me and we cuddled, trying to not freeze as we listened to what he had to say.

“So, this is the last year for some of us,” he indicated the 4th years with a nod, “and a new beginning for others,” a nod to the 1st years. “However, the goal is the same. We wanna be number one at AUS’s this year. We wanna send people to CIS’s this year. We wanna kick Turner’s stupid butt all over the pool deck. We start morning practice next week, 5:30 sharp, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Gym time is 6:00 on Tuesday and Thursday. We have our usual afternoon practice at 4:30 every day. If you can’t make practice, the reason better be fucking good. Rookies, never be afraid to ask questions. These guys are your family while you’re here, and like family, sometimes we don’t always get along. But try your best to stay pleasant with the others. Lastly, welcome to the Mount Seamus Wolves!” he finished with a huge grin. We clapped and headed into the locker rooms, where a hot shower was calling my name.

“Man, I am looking forward to the weekend!” Loryn said with a huge stretch as we grabbed our shampoo and conditioner.

“Me too,” I said with a grin. “I already made plans.”

“Oh my God, shut up! Who with?”

“That cute frosh from last week.”

Loryn scrunched up her face in thought. “Gabriel or the brunette you showed around?”

I laughed, hitting her playfully with my towel. “Dude, you’re the only one who thinks Gabe is cute, you know?”

“Not true! I know Jackie does too!”

“Damn right I do!” Jackie said, walking by us with a laugh.

We all laughed as we turned the water on. It felt great to take a hot shower after practice. We were gossiping about people on campus when I noticed something strange.

“Emma, are you okay?”

Emma, the captain for the Women’s team, looked over. “Huh, why you ask?”

I blinked. “Because you’re covered in…blood?”

She looked up and shrieked. Sure enough, something red and gooey was coming from the shower head. Actually, it was coming from all the showers! We all screamed and ran out, not even bothering to turn them off.

“What the actual fuck?” Emma was shaking with either anger or fear, wasn’t sure which it was. “Did someone think it would be funny to prank the rookies or something?” She whipped around to glare at all of us.

When no one fessed up, she growled in annoyance. “Okay, maybe one of the guys thought it would funny? Whoever did this, it’s seriously fucked up. Getting sprayed with fake blood is not how I wanted to end my Friday night!”

“Uh, not to be that person, Emma,” I said hesitantly, “but if it was fake blood…wouldn’t it have stopped by now?” I pointed over to the running showers, where a steady stream of red was still coming out.

Emma’s face paled. She looked at her hands, where the blood was and sniffed it. “Oh my God…it smells like copper.”

That’s when Jackie threw up all over the floor and Kerry burst into tears.

XXX

I was in my room, curled up under all the blankets I could possibly be curled under. We texted the boys after, to see if something similar happened to them. When Andrew and Matt both responded no, we got even more freaked out. We ended up calling campus security for them to see if there was something they could do about it. They said they would look into and escorted us back to our residences. I took such a scalding hot shower that I was still pink from it, but I still didn’t feel clean.

The group chat was blowing up with questions. The poor rookies were understandably upset. They thought someone was trying to haze them, but that wasn’t the case at all. Hazing wasn’t something we did anymore. They didn’t do it in my first year, and Emma said that her class was the last one that got hazed.

I didn’t have the energy to be dealing with this, so I muted the chat for the time being. Nura was sitting on her bed, her eyes on her computer screen but I could see her looking at me from time to time. I mean, I would be too. If Nura came back and told me that she just ended up taking a blood shower, I would be fucking concerned too.

I rolled over and tugged at my ear. It was habit of mine when I was anxious about something, and I was definitely anxious about this. If it turned out to be a stupid prank from one of the other teams, that would be one thing. But if it wasn’t…then what did it mean?

I had this crazy thought, pulling my phone up to my face. I wanted to see if it happened any time else. I did a quick Google search, and found out that this wasn’t the first time that something like this happened at this school. It was in 1968, and in 1995, and again in 2007. Okay, that was interesting.

Okay, so unless someone was dumping bodies into a water reservoir that only affected the women’s locker room, something freaky was going on. I’m not that big into that spiritual mumbo jumbo, but I’m not going to deny that this was more than a coincidence. However, it was history, something I specialized in. If I could trace back and see if there were any more connections, maybe I can establish a pattern.

That was a problem for Lyn of tomorrow, however. I was thoroughly exhausted after tonight’s events. I bookmarked the page on my phone, just so I wouldn’t forget. I was going to need my laptop for this.

I just hoped I could find something that can explain what the hell happened.

[murdershegoat]

Eliza and Jeremiah not letting Kara try out for any school sports teams bc her powers give her an unfair advantage so she instead volunteers to become the school mascot and somehow manages to charm her way into cheerleader Lena’s heart

(also on ao3)

maybe it’s her cynical nature, but lena’s not sure how one person can contain as much school spirit as kara danvers seems to. kara who bounces around the halls between classes and has a laugh so loud that it can cut right through even the noisiest of cafeterias. kara who is the only student who can get away with calling Principal Grant ‘The Big G’ and ‘G-Money’ to her face. Kara, who is the only person willing to don a Midvale High Bears costume at every major (and minor) sporting event in which the school is involved.

it’s unnatural, lena decides. a normal person cannot hold that amount of pep. a normal person cannot be that excited by the prospect of spending two hours every other week in a heavy, sweaty bear costume. and lena’s not sure why kara just doesn’t join one of the several teams she mascots for. she’s a bit lanky, a bit uncoordinated, sure, but lena has always noticed the muscles across her body, the biceps and the sharp calves and the abs. god, the abs. and despite kara’s seeming inability to walk ten steps without tripping over something, lena’s seen her land impossible trickshots on the basketball court, seen her run one of the fastest miles as a warm up in gym, seen her throw a football the length of the damn field when she thinks nobody’s look at her.

but the joke’s on kara.

because lena’s always looking at her.

not in like, a weird way. it’s just that they always happen to be around each other. they’re in the same AP classes and have the same lunch and gym periods and they live across the road from each other which means lena regularly sees kara in her front yard doing cartwheels or climbing trees as her sister looks on, uninterested. and now that lena’s on the cheer squad, she sees more of kara than ever before and it’s starting to get on lena’s nerves.

stupid friendly gorgeous mascot.

it’s one of the first football games of the season and lena’s stretching on the sidelines as the crowd starts to arrive. she’s not used to her uniform just yet - it shows a lot more of her skin than she usually does. if she’s being completely honest, she doesn’t even like cheerleading the much. but she’s good at it and it’s good to diversify her college applications just a bit and it pisses her mother off just enough for it to be truly satisfying.

‘looking good, luthor!’ kara calls out as she jogs onto the field with her head piece tucked under her arm. lena rolls her eyes, ignoring the heat she feels rise in her cheeks. she’s not sure why kara always calls out to her specifically when there are about a dozen other girls on the team. she’s heard the rumours about kara kissing girls in bathrooms at house parties. does kara have a crush on lena? the thought alone - of kara pinning her against a bathroom sink at some jock’s house as muffled music drifts through the floors, with beer on their breath and their bodies loose and warm - the thought makes lena’s stomach feel odd and heavy.

lena finishes stretching and moves onto the field grass with the team as they do a warm-up pyramid. the stands are just more than half full and the game doesn’t start for another half hour which means the cheerleaders are going to have their work cut out for them.

‘alright ladies,’ andrea says. ‘get in the three tier formation.’

in next to no time, lena gets hoisted to the very top of the pyramid. but instead of bethany h. catching her left foot, she knocks it hard with the back of her hand and bethany s. loses her own gripping and lena goes tumbling back. she doesn’t even have time to panic as a frightened yell rings out from the crowd, she just accepts her fate of falling to the ground and getting a cheerleading career ending injury. but instead she finds herself safe and secure in kara danvers arms.

‘where the hell did you come from?’ she murmurs as andrea yells at the bethanys.

‘would you believe i fell from the sky?’ kara grins. ‘your own personal guardian angel.’

lena’s stomach flutters as she stares up into kara’s impossibly blue eyes. the moment feels intimate despite the fact a growing crowd stares at them both.

‘could you… put me down maybe?’ lena asks, even though she doesn’t mean it.

kara frowns. ‘oh. right.’ she tips lena onto her feet, her hand staying on the small of lena’s back as she gets her balance right.

‘are you sure you’re okay?’ kara asks, the jest disappearing from her tone.

‘just a bit shaken i think,’ lena says, smoothing the pleats of her skirt.

‘luthor!’ andrea calls. ‘you’re off for the game.’

lena’s mouth falls open in shock. ‘that wasn’t even my fault!’ 

‘i don’t care,’ andrea says. ‘it was sloppy and you’re currently shaking like a leaf. you’re sidelined for tonight.’

lena scowls as she stalks to the sidelines, pushing past andrea and collecting her bag. she’s not even halfway to her car when she hears someone calling her name.

‘luthor! lena! wait up!’

kara’s jogging towards her, barely weighed down by the ridiculous costume she’s wearing.

‘shouldn’t you be warming up the crowd right about now?’ lena asks as she gets closer.

‘i thought… you did seem pretty shaken up back there. and i know you’re tough as nails but i thought maybe i should drive you home.’

‘you’d miss the game. you haven’t missed a game in three years.’

kara shrugs. ‘some things are more important.’

lena stares at her for a moment, trying to figure out what kara could possibly get out of this situation. but kara stares back at her, that annoyingly earnest smile all over her gorgeous face. lena begrudgingly hands kara her keys and walks to the passengers’ side. she sneaks a glance at kara peeling off the mascot costume, revealing a pair of basketball shorts and a sports bra. she puts the bear on the backseat before climbing into the drivers’ seat and lena fixes her stare firmly at the glove compartment in front of her, willing herself not to look at kara’s abs or arms or–

‘you be DJ,’ kara says as she starts the car. barely looking, lena puts it on her favourite radio channel and curses every god she can think of when kara starts singing along with the voice of a goddamn angel.

‘so you have everything, huh?’ lena asks. ‘you’re a genius. you’re popular. you’re genuine. you can sing. what can’t you do?’

kara laughs. ‘well i do suck at parallel parking. and you’re one to talk. on track to being valedictorian. had a paper published about the theoretical use of nanobots in healthcare. wrote an award winning essay for ms. brown’s english class. and you’re a damn cheerleader, too, top of the pyramid.’

‘it’s not as impressive as it all sounds,’ lena mumbles, before noticing that they’ve stopped and kara has (perfectly parallel) parked and is turning off the engine.

‘this isn’t my house,’ lena says.

‘and you’re skills of deduction are impeccable,’ kara adds with a laugh. ‘we’re at noonan’s diner and i’m buying you a milkshake; you almost died tonight.’

‘i did not.’

‘true, but only because i saved your life. which means you should be buying me a milkshake.’

lena smiles but only for a moment. she reaches into the backseat and rummages around in her sports bag. she pulls out a midvale high gym tshirt and hands it to kara before conceding.

‘fine. milkshakes on me.’

//

kara gets the most complicated milkshake lena’s ever seen, impossibly tall with a donut resting on the whipped cream at the top, and it looks even more ostentatious sitting beside lena’s order of a small vanilla milkshake, hold the whipped cream.

‘how do you do it?’ lena asks. kara raises her eyebrows in lieu of a verbal ‘what’, her mouth filled with milkshake. ‘how do you eat all the junk i see you eat and still look like… that.’ lena gestures to kara’s body.

‘wicked fast metabolism. and i work out a lot. and my foster mom makes sure i eat healthy food for breakfast and dinner. i just sneak the junk in at school and on weekends.’

‘i’ll add ‘eat anything’ to the list of ‘can do everything’.’

‘i can’t do everything,’ kara says, this time with a sad smile. ‘i can’t play the sports i want to play because my foster mother’s read too many studies on dire injuries in high school athletes. and i can’t seem to be fully myself, no matter how hard i try. i’m always just… someone else’s version of kara.’

‘i guess we’re the perfect pair,’ lena chuckles. ‘no matter what i do, it’s never enough for my family, and it’s never as big as anything my brother has achieved. and i’m so sick of being at the top of the damn pyramid and having my life in the hands of the world’s dumbest bethanys.’

‘we should stop,’ kara says, leaning forward conspiratorially. ‘you stop cheering and i’ll stop being the dumb mascot and we can just… be. we can just be. we can just be happy. or whatever.’

lena stares at kara over their milkshakes and she thinks of the rumours of kara with girls in bathrooms and she thinks of how maybe she wants to be one of those girls and how maybe even more than that she just wants kara to hold her again and how angry lillian would be if she found out about kara.

for a moment, she wonders if she could just stop trying to be everything her mother wants and instead just be lena and have fun with just kara and feel like a normal teenager with normal teenaged problems. she wonders if kara is thinking the same thing as her.

but lena knows. she knows that being a luthor means she can never be just lena. and as she looks at the expression on kara’s face - one of bittersweet longing - lena thinks maybe kara carries similar pressures on her own shoulders.

she watches with a smile as kara - with her hands firmly on the table - tries to bite into the donut that bobs atop her drink. she gets whipped cream all over her face. maybe she can’t do everything, after all.

//

‘here you go,’ kara says, turning the car off outside the luthor house and twisting around to face her. ‘i hope you’re feeling better.’

‘never felt better,’ lena says earnestly. ‘thank you. for driving me home and keeping me company. and making me buy us milkshakes.’ she feels transparent under kara’s stare, like she can read her every thought and feel the way her heart beats wildly in her chest. there’s something in the air that lena’s not sure she’s felt before, an energy in the silence, in the way kara looks at her.

‘i-i’ve heard the rumours about you, you know,’ lena says quietly, unsure if she’s trying to ward kara off or if she’s trying to yell god, me too, i’m the same. ‘what you do with girls at parties. what people say about you.’

kara’s eyes gleam, and her smile turns cocky. ‘weird. because i see the way you look at me, lena, the way you look at other girls. i see you watch me.’

lena remains silent. is this what it is, to be known? to have others look at you and not see what you want them to see?

‘tell me i’m wrong,’ kara whispers. ‘tell me you don’t want the same thing i want.’

‘what.’ lena swallows. ‘what do you want?’

and then kara leans over the centre console. and it’s not a bathroom and kara tastes impossibly sweet instead of like beer, but she’s kissing lena nonetheless. slow and self assured and confident. and lena’s kissing her back, every hair on her arms standing to attention, every nerve ending alight, every neuron in her brain screaming incessantly. kara danvers is kissing her. kara danvers is kissing her and it feels fucking amazing.

‘can i drive with you to school tomorrow?’ kara asks, as they pull apart. and for the first time since lena’s known her, she sounds nervous.

‘of course.’

‘goodnight, lena,’ she says, and lena can’t control herself; she kisses her once more, chaste and quick.

‘goodnight, kara.’

lena floats inside and up to her room, the weight of kara’s lips still dancing on hers. as she reaches her bed, her phone buzzes with a message from kara with nothing other than a long string of indecipherable emojis.

but lena thinks she understands what she’s trying to say; there are several red heart emojis that makes lena’s own heart flutter.

and for the first time in a very long time, lena falls asleep with a smile on her face, looking forward to what tomorrow will bring.

[imaginingsoftly]

It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time Pt. 7 - Morgan Reilly

Type: roommates to lovers, Y/N insert shorts

Requested: No

Warnings: concussions

(Y/N = Your name, Y/L/N = Your Last Name, Y/N’s POV to Morgans, POV change marked with a line)

A/N: Apparently I suck at writing deadlines, and I’m really sorry about that. Hopefully once my semester is over I’ll be able to write at a more consistent pace, but trying to do University online is different and challenging. Enjoy!

Y/N’s family was nothing like her, her brothers’ noise a sharp contrast to her quiet, and she was trying not to panic over the madness that was about to ensue. It was four days after Morgan’s concussion diagnosis, and it was only yesterday that he stopped cringing at the brightness of the sunlight coming into the apartment. The house and its inhabitants were going to be loud when her and Morgan showed up, no matter how much she had told them to tone it down for the sake of Morgan’s brain. She also knew that her brothers were more than likely suspicious of the kind of relationship she and Morgan really had, and that they would be observing her and Morgan’s interactions pretty closely. 

“Remind me again how many brothers you have?” Morgan’s question brought Y/N back to the present. 

“Four. All older. They played baseball and don’t watch much hockey, so they shouldn’t bombard you too much.” Morgan chuckled in the passenger seat as they sped down the highway towards Charlotte.

“I’m living with their baby sister, Y/N. I have a feeling they’re not going to leave me alone no matter how indifferent they are to my sport.” He was right, though it wasn’t that they didn’t want her to date (not that her and Mo were dating) so much as they didn’t trust athletes. They had loved her first college boyfriend, a guy from her dorm Freshman year that surfed and worked as a barista at one of the local beach cafes. Her second boyfriend was a baseball player, however, and the boys had freaked out. She guessed it was because they had been college baseball players themselves, and they didn’t want their sister going out with the type of guys that their teammates were in college. He had cheated on her after one weekend series on the road, so they ended up being right.

“They’ll get over it. They base everything off of their experiences in college baseball locker rooms, and those aren’t great places to be.” Morgan laughed, and Y/N turned off the highway and towards her house. The winding roads to get to her neighborhood were peaceful, and she could see Morgan relax into his seat as he stared at the leaves turning orange all around them. 

“Tell me about your brothers. Were they good athletes?” 

“They were good baseball players, though Bo was probably the best all around athlete. He could play any sport well. He’s the oldest, and he was the only one to go pro, got drafted out of Carolina in the second round by Seattle. Cal probably would have gone second round too, but he blew out his knee his junior year of college. He tried to play after that, but he was meant to be a catcher. His knees couldn’t take the position anymore and he wasn’t as good elsewhere in the field.” Y/N caught Morgan bending his left knee in discomfort, probably empathizing with Cal. It had been a gruesome recovery, and watching him try to re-learn how to walk had been one of the worst things Y/N had ever watched, though it was nothing compared to watching him realize he couldn’t play his position anymore. 

“Davie was always a better lacrosse player, but they don’t really have lacrosse down here. He moved to baseball so he could hang out with the other kids in the neighborhood and maybe get a college scholarship. Josh was a pitcher until he needed Tommy Johns. He threw hard, like mid- 90’s by his Freshman year at State.” Come on, Y/N. Like Morgan was gonna know the significance of a fastball speed by a college kid. “That’s really rare,” she added quickly. “For a Freshman to have that kind of speed, with the location control he had? He was on a fast track to being drafted in the first round. He actually got drafted pretty low out of high school, but mom convinced him to go to college for a few years to at least start a degree.” 

“Two of your brothers had career-ending injuries? That really sucks.” Morgan was looking at her incredulously, almost like he didn’t believe her. 

“The knee thing runs in the family. My dad and his two brothers all had knee replacements before they turned thirty.” Morgan shuddered, and Y/N was inclined to do the same. Knee surgery was no joke. “I actually need one as well, but I’m trying to hold off for as long as I can. They don’t last forever, and I don’t want to go through the surgery twice.” Morgan shuddered again at her words, glancing at Y/N’s knees in alarm.

She turned the Jeep into her parent’s driveway as she spoke. It was long and twisting, and more than a little excessive. The original owners of the house must have really had a flair for the dramatic. The house came into view as they rounded the last corner, a shingled beauty that looked like it belonged on Nantucket rather than in the South. 

Y/N grinned at the shock that entered Morgan’s face, and the grin grew even larger when three tall bodies came flying out of the house and into the driveway. Her brothers were about as different as baseball players could look, and each looked like their position. Cal was a bit slimmer than he had been as a catcher, his legs not the tree trunks they’d been for most of her life. Josh was a beanpole, there was no other word for it. He was tall and all limbs, especially in contrast to Davie, who was compact and reminiscent of his hero Pedroia. Bo was absent, probably busy doing whatever professional athletes did in the offseason when they thought they were too good for their family. 

Morgan hung back as Y/N ran forward, and she almost felt bad for leaving him behind until her brothers swept her up into a group hug. It was comforting to be surrounded by them again, even if she was disappointed at the missing eldest. They were all yelling in her ears as she pulled back, gesturing for Morgan to come forward. “This is Morgan. He’s concussed, so please be gentle.” Morgan rolled his eyes at her words and she could tell he wanted to protest her instructions. 

Josh was the first to step forward, and he was the only one who even remotely matched Morgan in height. It was comical to her, seeing the boys that usually dwarfed her looking small themselves, especially as they tried to puff up and look vaguely threatening. 

“I’m Josh. It’s nice to meet you, man.” Morgan shook his hand with a smile as Josh was jostled out of the way by Cal, who opted for a fist-bump instead. 

“Cal. What exactly are your intentions with my sister?” Y/N groaned and punched Cal’s shoulder from her place to Morgan’s left as the other boys laughed. Morgan turned red, gaping at Cal. 

“Told you they would do this, bud. Good luck.” Y/N clapped his shoulder and took off in the direction of the house, hoping that Morgan would follow her. He did, thankfully, but so did the rest of the boys. The moved as a clump of noise into the house and through to the kitchen in the back, where Y/N’s mother was grumbling to herself over the stove. She looked up when Y/N entered, and dropped the spoon she was holding to hug her youngest child. 

________________________________________________________________

More than anyone else, Y/N looked like her mother. Those same curls tumbled down her mom’s back, though they were strands which had escaped from the messy bun sitting at her neck. They were nearly the same height, and the laugh lines at the corner of Y/N’s mom’s eyes and mouth were the same that would probably grace Y/N’s face as she got older. Y/N squeezed her mom one more time before letting go, though she kept an arm around her mother’s waist as she turned towards Morgan. “Ma, this is Morgan. Morgan, my mom.” 

“Call me Jo, honey,” she said, startling Morgan as she swept him into a hug as well. It surprised him, how much he needed the hug, though he supposed that mom hugs just meant more than any other kind. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” Morgan looked up to find Y/N blushing slightly, and she stuck her tongue out at him when he raised an eyebrow at her over Jo’s shoulder. 

Y/N’s house was loud with the presence of her brothers, no matter how much Y/N and Jo tried to shush them. They eventually took their noise outside, where they constructed a makeshift batting cage and took turns hitting against Josh’s pitching. Jo tried to get Morgan to relax on the couch until dinner, going athlete-mom-mode with the whole “resting a head injury” spiel, though she finally relented when he said he’d sit on a stool and not try to help anymore. Y/N laughed as Morgan bickered with her mom, and he was almost tempted to keep it going just to hear her laugh some more. It was nice to see her relaxed in the place she grew up, floating around the kitchen with the person who’d taught her how to cook. 

It was like watching a ballet as they cooked. They would come so close to colliding that Morgan almost shouted out warnings several times, but yet somehow they’d always managed to dance out of the way in time to avoid each other. The longer he sat there on the stool, the more Jo threw over random questions about his life, and hockey, and his own family. It felt home-y in a way that Thanksgiving, American or Canadian, hadn’t felt since he was a kid. 

Y/N’s dad came home right as Jo finished telling a story about Y/N breaking her finger trying to catch a foul ball. Morgan was doubled over in his stool, nearly crying with laughter as Jo choked out the story in between her own laughs. Y/N happily interrupted the story to run to her father, shouting out a “hey” as she launched herself at him. Her dad was intimidating, tall and well-built with gray hair that somehow managed to look youthful and not old. He was obviously a former athlete, and Y/N’s stories about him playing college ball came to mind. 

“You must be Morgan.” Y/N’s father stepped away from Y/N to hold his hand out at Morgan, who stood hastily.

“Yes, sir. It’s nice to meet you.” Y/N and Jo laughed behind their hands at the exchange.

“Sir? It’s Bill. I’m not old enough to be called sir.” Y/N laughed, patting him on the shoulder. Morgan nodded at Bill, and tried not to look as intimidated as he felt. He was never nervous around his actual girlfriends’ parents, and now his roommate’s had him all flustered. Maybe his concussion was actually as bad as the doctor said.

Bill’s casual stare-down with Morgan ended as a small towel smacked the side of Bill’s head. “You’re a hell of a lot older than you think you are, Billy. Now help me with the dishes.” Morgan met Y/N’s eyes to find her smiling at him already. He smiled back, and the two missed the knowing look exchanged between Jo and Bill. 

Dinner was fantastic, and Morgan almost didn’t want to leave at the end of the night. The Y/L/N family table was chaotic, for sure, and sometimes a little too loud for his concussion to appreciate, but it felt like family. He was grateful to have been accepted into the fold so easily, like he’d been there for years. 

“Thank you, Jo and Bill, this was fantastic.” Jo swept Morgan into another tight hug with a whispered “good luck on the rest of the season” and a brief kiss on the cheek. Bill was a little more formal, shaking his hand firmly. 

Y/N’s brothers finally showed their true stripes. They all bro-hugged him, and all three had a whispered threat and a “take care of her” to mumble into his ear. Clearly they hadn’t bought that they were just friends. He nodded anyway. Y/N was his roommate, after all, so he would take care of her. 

They were secure in Y/N’s Jeep and on the highway before either spoke. “Thanks, Red Sox. I really needed that.” Morgan stared out at the road in front of them. “It’s easy to forget just how much you miss your family, and then the holidays come around and it’s like a punch to the face.” 

Y/N reached out with her right hand and found Morgan’s, squeezing gently. “I’ve got your back, bud, remember? My family is yours.” Morgan tried to ignore the jolt sent through his body when she took his hand, especially as his heart thudded over her willingness to share her family with him. 

They didn’t speak again after that, and Morgan fell asleep in the passenger’s seat, as was apparently becoming tradition for them. He woke when Y/N shook his shoulder gently, and he trudged sleepily behind her back up to the apartment. 

It was something Morgan never would have done fully awake, but he was sleepy and there are no rules after midnight, so he pulled Y/N into a hug once she had locked the door behind them. She pulled him closer instantly, squeezing just a little. Y/N really gave the best hugs. She squeezed people just enough, and she was never the first to let go. Her hugs were therapeutic, and for a second he forgot about the concussion and missing his team and his family as his mind narrowed onto the feeling of her arms wrapped around his waist and her head tucked just under his shoulder. “Goodnight, Y/N,” he whispered.

“Goodnight, Morgan.”

[13-reasons-ideas]

Finding Peace In Another Part 24

A/N: This chapter contains SMUT. DO NOT read if you are under 18 or are uncomfortable with smut. I hope you enjoy this chapter and I apologize for the delay. I started my old job back and it has been really busy. Hoping to use Thursday and Friday to get ahead some. As always, feedback is appreciated and much love.         

Saturday night, Bailey and I ventured out to school to go to the game. “Can I drive?”

“No. My car, I drive.”

“Ugh fine. Can I drive on the way home?”

“I’ll think about it.” Not freaking likely Bailey. He whistled as we pulled up to the school.

“I didn’t realize there actually were different buildings at American high schools. How do you know where you’re going?”

“Same way I did back home. Trial and error. And friends giving me directions or walking me to class. What did you think I meant the other day when I said they helped me out when I got here?”

“I don’t know.” We began walking to the football stadium. “Is it just me or is everyone staring at me?”

“Not you. Her.” Cyrus said, popping out of the crowd. “Name’s Cyrus.” He nodded to Bailey.

“Bailey.” He nodded in return, “why are they staring at her?”

“She’s dating Montgomery de la Cruz. People are going to stare.”

“I didn’t think he was ‘stare at his girlfriend’ bad. Becca, what did you leave out?”

“Nothing important. He just… tends to have issues dealing with his emotions is all.” I explained. Bailey stopped in his tracks and grabbed my hand, his expression hard and his eyes cold.

“Issues?”

“Not with me. I was serious the other day. He wouldn’t lay a hand on me.”

“Fucking better not.”

“If it makes you feel better, I don’t like the guy but I really don’t think he’s the type. To hurt women, I mean. He pretty well keeps his outbursts restricted to guys.” Cyrus added, quickly.

“Good.” Bailey said, putting an arm around me, out of habit. People did double takes but when I flicked him in the face gently, they lost interest.

We made it to the bleachers and found decent enough seats. The girls next to us, noticed the stranger in their midst and stared at him a moment, blushing, before turning back to each other and giggling about how cute he is. I know he’s cute. Before one girl could make a move, I cut her off. “He’s with me. He’s my best friend. He isn’t from here and he isn’t staying, trust me. It’s not worth the trouble.” The girls looked shocked and Cyrus burst out laughing. Bailey looked astonished that I would prevent him from whatever “moves” he could have made.

“Did you see that?” He asked Cyrus.

“Dude don’t worry about it. You dodged a bullet with those two.”

“Oh?”

“Blonde doesn’t understand the concept of a one-night stand and the brunette doesn’t understand ‘not my type’.”

Bailey shivered, “thanks Becky.”

“Bailey! What did I say about you calling me Becky?”

“I know, I know. But you love me so you can’t do anything about it.”

“I could call Jessica and tell her how much you miss her.” I challenged. He gulped and squeaked.

“I take it Jessica is not missed?” Cyrus asked. I bent over laughing.

“No. Psycho tried to pin a pregnancy on him a year after they broke up.”

“I didn’t do so good in science, but I do remember that you have to have sex with someone to get them pregnant and also pregnancy doesn’t last a year and a half.” Bailey said. I looked out at the crowd still gathering and waved at some of my other friends.

“Think you can use some of that dating an athlete privilege to make them move?” Cyrus asked me, leaning over Bailey.

“My what now?”

“Dating an athlete privilege. You’re dating Liberty High top end of the food chain. You get special privileges because of it.”

“And how do you know this exactly Cy?”

“I hear talk.”

“Right. Uh, I can try I guess?” I shrugged. Cyrus leaned back to watch the show and tapped Bailey to do the same. “Excuse me ladies, would you mind moving somewhere else?” I asked politely. They each raised a sculpted brow at me. Bailey coughed, but I could swear I heard a “firmer” in there. “Do you realize who I’m dating?” I raised a brow back at them. They sat for a second trying to place me, when they did, their eyes widened, and they immediately stood and stepped up to the next row. Cyrus laughed and slapped my knee; Bailey joined in shortly after.

“That was the greatest thing I’ve seen all week. Did you see their faces?”

“If I knew you could have had that kind of power at home, I would have pushed for you to date an athlete a long time ago.”

“We didn’t go to school events. You don’t go to school events.”

“I know but if you could have made people move, I might have.”

“Hey Becca, Cryus. Uh… Stranger.” We heard Alex say near us. We all turned to him.

“Hey. Did you want to sit?” I offered, scotching over some.

“Sure.” He said, sitting down. He turned his attention to Bailey. “Do I call you hat?”

“Depends, do I get to call you cardigan?” Seriously thought he was going to say cane.

“Alex.”

“Bailey. I’m in town visiting Becca.”

“Oh cool.”

“It was a surprise visit. I got home from school the other day and he was sitting on my doorstep.”

“Sneaky. Zach mentioned something about picking your friend’s brain.”

“He did. I told him all sorts of things about her. I’m told he’s my replacement, so I had to give him many details.”

His comments drew my attention. “What exactly did you tell him Bailey?”

“Stuff.” He smirked.

“What stuff?”

“I’ll let him fill you in after I leave.”

“Bastard.” I huffed.

“But I’m your bastard.” He said, pulling me into a close side hug.

“I suppose I’m stuck with you.” I sighed, overdramatically.

“That you are.” He laughed, kissing the side of my head. I felt Alex and Cyrus’ eyes glued to our exchange.

“Before you jump to conclusions, he’s just my friend. He’s almost a brother to me.”

“This is purely platonic. We’ve been best friends for years.”

Cyrus shrugged. “Okay, whatever works for you guys.”

“Does Monty know how close you are?”

“Yeah. We talked about it Thursday and again this morning. After they covered me in waffle batter and flour.”

“And you smothered him in Nutella.” Alex made a gagging motion to Cyrus.

“Not like that you perv. I swiped Nutella across his face.”

“Oh. Okay.” He nodded, obviously not really believing me. I shrugged.

Our discussion bounced from topic to topic after the game started. Truthfully, I wasn’t very interested in what was happening on the field. I was only there to be supportive to my friends and my boyfriend. It was a close game. So close in fact, that we only lost by a two-point conversion. I pulled out my phone for the first time all night right as the game ended and texted Monty, I’m sorry sweetheart. If you can wait until Tuesday night, the consolation sex will make up for it, I’m sure. I added an I love you but quickly deleted it before hitting send. It’s not the right time to say it nor is it something to say via text the first time.

Monty responded around twenty minutes later, I guess I can wait. Are you coming to Bryce’s tonight? Bailey is welcome to come. I realized then, that I hadn’t thought of my… incident… all day. “Hey Bailey, you feel like going to a party tonight?” I hope he says no….

“Will there be alcohol?”

“I assume so?”

“Then sure.” Fuck. I sighed discreetly before texting back, he’s down.  I don’t know if we will stay long though.

That’s okay. See you in a bit, babygirl.

“Shall we?” I asked, as I stood up and grabbed hold of my bag.

“Yeah, sure. It was nice meeting you guys.”

“You too.” My friends replied.

We walked arm and arm back to my car. As I was grabbing my keys, Bailey spoke up, “can I drive now?”

“Is this still my car?”

“Yes?”

“Then no.” Bailey pouted at my response but got in the car anyway.

I zipped home and parked in the garage, figuring there was no point in parking at Bryce’s and then driving home from there. It would take more gas to turn on the car than to get home. I made a quick stop in the house for a lighter sweater and to drop off my purse. People were already milling around the front yard when we arrived. I stopped briefly at the front door, trying to rid my brain of thoughts of what happened the last time I walked through this door.

“Becca.” I heard Scott call from the living room. I shook my head slightly and waved at him. Monty was walking towards him, but when he saw me at the door, he redirected to walk in my direction.

“Hey beautiful.” He said, pulling me against his side. He shared a nod with Bailey.

“Hey handsome. What are you drinking?”

“I’m not entirely sure. Something mixed with some kind of vodka, I think. Zach made it.”

I furrowed my brow and reached for his cup, sniffing it. It didn’t smell too offensive. “Can I have a sip?”

“Sure.” He replied, handing me the cup. It wasn’t that bad. A little heavy on the vodka but not horrible. I smacked my lips together a few times, trying to place the flavours.

“I think it’s apple juice and peach schnapps.” I looked at Bailey and watched as he looked around the room.

“You realize this is like a six-million-dollar house back home, right?”

“Yeah. I think mine would be around four?”

Monty coughed. “Four million dollars?”

“Yeah. Our housing bubble never burst, so houses are super expensive. What would cost one or two hundred thousand here, would cost four to five there. It’s stupid.”

“Fuck. How do you afford to live there?”

“Renting. Even though that’s stupidly expensive too. Everything is more expensive in Canada.”

He shook his head and took my hand, leading us to the kitchen. “Pick your poison. You want a beer Bailey?”

“American beer? No thanks. I’ll just let Becca mix me something.”

“I was going to go with a vodka cranberry, do you want that? I know you don’t drink apple juice, so I won’t try to hunt down Zach.”

“Sure.”

After I mixed our drinks, the three of us went off in search of the rest of our friend group. I spotted Justin and Zach talking and called over to them. They waved for us to come and chat.

“Vodka, apple juice, and peach schnapps?” I asked Zach.

“How did you know?”

“She’s still got it.” Bailey laughed, high fiving me. The boys looked at us, confused.

“My friends used to mix me drinks and stuff and make me guess what was in them. I was right most of the time. Oh, and Justin, this is my best friend Bailey. Bailey, this is Justin.” They waved to each other.

“So, you used to be fun?” Scott asked.

“I’m still fun. Right Monty?”

“Yes. You are very fun.”

“Your boyfriend saying you are fun doesn’t count Rebecca.” Zach chided.

“Fine. I’m fun, right Justin?”

“Hey now. Don’t drag me into this.”

“She’s fun.” Bryce said, as he walked over to us. I shivered and blinked slowly. Just ignore him. The fact that it’s his house doesn’t matter. Pretend he isn’t here.

“Thank you, Bryce.” I said, shoving my arm towards him to prove my point.

“Any time Becca. Enjoying yourself Bailey?”

“Yeah. Nice house.” Oh man. Bailey doesn’t like him. Hopefully he can keep his mouth shut until we leave.

“Thanks?” His attention was grabbed by someone else, near the back door, so thankfully he walked away and left us alone. I turned to Monty and after making sure he was in good hands, we left Bailey with our friends.

“So, about this consolation sex…?” Monty started as we found a quieter spot in the house.

“What about it?”

“What would it entail exactly?”

“Depends on what you want it to entail. And that’s just something you’ll have to wait to find out about.” I smirked, slyly.

“Babe. It’s Saturday. Tuesday is like an eternity away.”

“Montgomery. It’s less than three days away. If it’s that big of an issue to wait, you’re a big boy, I’m sure you can use your imagination.” He blinked at me a few times. “What?”

“You just… you look so innocent. And then stuff like that comes out of your mouth and….”

“And what?”

“I don’t know what to do with it.”

“What will you do with me?” I asked, batting my lashes.

“I don’t know yet, but you keep that up, Bailey will be spending the night here Princess.” He grumbled, boxing me in against the wall.

“He might be a little pissed off about that.” I whispered. Monty shrugged his brow as though he didn’t care, and then placed a heavy kiss to my lips.

I stuck close to Monty for the rest of the night, too nervous to be left alone in the house, even if it was full of people. Bailey and I left around midnight after I cut him off. Justin was Zach’s designated driver, so he kindly helped me get Bailey home safely and tucked in bed.

The next few days went by quickly. Bailey and I spent much of our day Sunday trying to soak up as much time together as we could before he left on Tuesday morning. We shared a teary eyed see you later when he left. I promised to visit home soon, and he promised to call me as often as he could.

My friends tried to cheer me up as best they could at school but the only thing that I was looking forward to, was a quiet night alone with my boyfriend, having possibly wild consolation sex. I beat Monty to my place since I had taken to bringing my homework to Peer in order to avoid seeing Bryce every afternoon. There wasn’t much I could do in the mornings or if I was having lunch with Monty, but even a small reprieve from being around him was enough for me to get through the day.

When he arrived, I had already changed into one of his shirts, that was really more of a very short dress on me and taken my pants off. My underwear poked out slightly when I walked or reached for anything. As such, he was significantly more reluctant to help me reach anything I needed. I could feel his eyes on me as I pondered what to have for dinner, or even if I was hungry enough for an entire dinner. My appetite had reduced since my… the thing… happened.

“Do you want to just skip dinner?” I asked.

“What else did you have in mind, Becks?” I sauntered over to where he was sitting at the island and pulled myself up onto it. Perched on the edge of the countertop, I leaned in closer to him.

“I can think of a few things.” I whispered, seductively in his ear.

“Is that so?” He whispered back, rubbing my upper thigh. I nodded vigorously. He stood up and leaned closer still to me. Taking advantage of the closeness of his body to mine, I placed my fingers through his belt loops and pulled him to me, in a searing kiss. He growled low in his throat and in one swift motion, pulled me up and held me to his body. His shirt rode up as he held onto my butt with one arm and had the other around my waist. He pulled away from the kiss before setting me down on my feet. I looked up at him, doe eyed as he took advantage of our size difference and towered over me. I felt about ten times smaller than I was. I went to protest, but he picked me up bridal style and took off towards the stairs. Monty carried me all the wait to my room and unceremoniously dropped me in the middle of my bed.

I sat there with my knees parted slightly and watched him. I watched as he closed the door and pulled off his shirt over his head. I didn’t even bother trying to hide the fact that I was once again, mentally drooling at the sight of him shirtless. He caught me staring and smirked. My eyes widened more as he went for his belt. We were both shocked as a growl tore its way from my throat. Woah. “Did you want to do that babygirl?”

“Yes please.” I nodded, my voice sounding small. I sat up some more and went to remove my top.

“Leave it.” He said, sternly. I could feel my underwear begin to soak through at his tone. I nodded and lowered my arms. “Good girl.” I beamed, flashing him a wide smile. He chuckled and shook his head. I waited very patiently while he puttered around my room. This is some kind of test. Or at least, I thought I was waiting patiently. The quiet whimpering was an indication of the opposite. “Patience little one.”

I opened my mouth to speak but when he looked at me, I closed it. Finally, finally he sauntered over to my bed and climbed towards me. I slowly moved back until my back hit the headboard of my bed. I tried really hard, but I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped. He looks like a giant cat crawling towards me. Does that make me his prey? Monty stopped when he reached me, and once again, I couldn’t stop myself. I leaned forward and kissed his nose softly. He smiled and kissed mine back. I kissed him again. It was less intense than the one in the kitchen, but still had just as much passion behind it. I followed as he leaned back on his heels.

He had me right where he wanted me. He placed his hands at the bottom of the shirt and pulled up on it. We broke our kiss only to remove it. I took my chance while he was pulling off my shirt and reached for his belt. Surprisingly, he let me unbuckle and pull it off and undo his jeans before he stopped me. With my wrists in his hand, he was able to regain the ounce of control he had lost and push me back down onto the bed. I groaned and pretended to struggle as he readjusted my legs to a more comfortable position and straddled me. “Did I say you could do that, Princess?” he asked, his voice commanding yet condescending.

“No.” I squeaked, shaking my head for emphasis. I guess I must have looked slightly afraid to him because for a moment he relaxed and was back to my loveable Monty again.

“Are you okay with this?”

“Absolutely.” I stated, earnestly. That was all he needed to hear before he was back to his domineering role. I had to bite my lip to hold back my grin at how hot I found the situation.

“Stay. No moving.” He instructed. I fought the urge to acknowledge the instruction and watched him get off the bed and remove both his pants and boxers in one go. I whimpered wantonly and felt a muscle in my arm twitch. I think he assumed it was a muscle spasm because he let it slide.

Once again, he climbed on the bed and crawled towards me. This time he acknowledged my bare chest, having ignored it when He removed my top. Though it was a struggle, I managed to stay still as he rolled and pinched my nipples. I feel more naked than he is right now in just my underwear. I gasped when he pinched one particularly hard. He chuckled, darkly and did it again. I couldn’t help but cry out that time. Seeming to be satisfied, he moved his hands down my body, to my light pink panties. He wasted no time, removing them and immediately rubbing my clit with his thumb. I groaned loudly and squirmed. All stimulation stopped. “Still.” He waited a moment for me to relax again before he resumed his ministrations. I managed to stay still that time.

After he determined I had had enough stimulation, he had me sit up and gave me the go ahead to touch him. I jumped at the chance. My hands instantly found his cock and began stroking at varying speeds. I’ve never been much of a patient person. His grunts and moans only spurred me on more. It wasn’t long before he pushed me away. I looked at him wide eyed. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No. No no. You did everything right.” He assured me, his thumb rubbing my cheek. I smiled and hummed, leaning into his hand. After he made sure I was calm, he began maneuvering my body, so I was on my hands and knees. I arched my back as low as I could and leaned my weight on my elbows. He growled at my eagerness and willingness to be in this position before I felt his cock rub against my folds. I gasped and moved forward slightly. He pulled my hips back into position somewhat roughly and I purred. I could feel him trying not to laugh.

When he entered me, I had to hold back a scream. It felt so good, my brain had already began turning to mush. He groaned behind me, loudly. As he began thrusting harder and faster, he leaned forward to cup my throat and carefully guide me back into a kneeling position. Ignoring my instructions to stay still I leaned into him and brought my arms up and back to wrap around his neck. I felt myself getting closer to my orgasm and knew he could feel it. He reached down to precisely rub my clit and we both began to chase our orgasms. My vision went black for a few seconds and I was there. When I opened my eyes, Monty was lying me forward and back down on my elbows. He went to my bathroom and grabbed a washcloth, cleaning my lower half as I curled up. He made me sit up long enough to put my shirt back on and make room for him to get into his spot. I was out by the time he pulled me against his broad chest.

[ddproductionsw77]

Watching You Watch Her

Fandom: IT (Muschietti Films)

Pairing(s): Pining but not established Reddie (Richie Tozier x Eddie Kaspbrak), Richie Tozier x Sandy Montgomery (OC), Stenbrough (Stanley Uris x Bill Denbrough) and Benverly (Ben Hanscom x Beverly Marsh), Mike Hanlon x Mila Roberts (OC)

Characters: Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier, Mike Hanlon, Stanley Uris, Bill Denbrough, Ben Hanscom, Beverly Marsh, Sandy Montgomery (OC), Mila Roberts (OC)

Rating: T

Description: Eddie struggles with the fact that Richie has a girlfriend, one that is actually pretty much perfect.

Author’s Note: I realized that I have literally no fics in the Losers Of ’89 collection with pining Richie or Eddie being the main focus. It’s unacceptable so I decided to change that. Hope you guys like it.

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Why did she have to be so fucking great?

Eddie contemplated this question as he watched Sandy Montgomery from across the room,  cuddled up against the side of his best friend. Richie’s arm was sling over her shoulders and with her free hand, she had reached up to intertwine her fingers with his. He was absentmindedly tracing from her knuckles to the blood red fingernails that matched her shade of lipstick and the ribbon in her hair oh-so-fucking perfectly while he talked enthusiastically with Mike beside him.

Mike was a traitor, Eddie thought as he narrowed his eyes on them and took a sip from his red solo cup, grimacing slightly at the concoction Beverly had made him. Mike had promised him that if he came to the stupid fucking party with the rest of them that he and his current girlfriend, Mila, would stay by his side. Mike was across the room and Mila was doing shots with Beverly in the kitchen. And Eddie was standing against the wall all alone, per usual.

They were probably talking about their fucking stupid band. Richie played guitar decently and Mike could drum. They’d just started playing together at the start of the school year a couple months back and now it was all they fucking discussed.

Sighing, Eddie rolled his eyes and felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned his head to find Stanley sliding into place beside him. He quirked an eyebrow and had to practically yell to the other to be heard over the music, “I thought you weren’t coming?”

“It’s Jack Colins’ party. I’m not leaving Bill alone with all these drunk baseball players.” Stan sighed, looking out at the room.

Eddie shrugged. Jack Colins was the captain of Derry High’s baseball team, which Bill had played main pitcher for since Sophomore year. He, Mike, Ben and Bev were the only reason the Losers had even been invited as the athletes of the group. Mike was the varsity star quarterback and Ben and Bev both ran track and field.

His eye line fell back upon Richie and Sandy and he felt annoyance flare to life in his chest. Before he could stop himself, he said, “Sandy wasn’t even invited.”

Stanley eyed him from the corner of his eye before sighing, “She’s Richie’s girlfriend. Loser by association, right? Those are the rules so she gets the same invites the rest of us do. Mila, too.”

Eddie set his jaw before taking another long gulp from his drink, “I know that. But we came up with those rules in middle school, when we were desperate for friends. It’s different now.”

“Different because?” Stanley asked, turning to give Eddie a hard look.

Eddie glanced away and shrugged, taking another drink, “Just because, okay? You’re dating another Loser, it’s not like it affects you anyway.”

“Are you jealous?” Stanley asked, bluntly.

Eddie nearly choked on his drink, sputtering and stammering, “What?! Why—Why would I be— I’m not jealous!”

Stan shrugged, looking between his friend and the other Losers across the room, “It would make sense, Eddie.”

Would it? Eddie thought, following Stan’s gaze to Richie, who was still wrapped around beautiful, funny, perfect Sandy. Would it make sense?

“You’re the only Loser who isn’t dating right now.” Stan continued, having not noticed the way that Eddie had tensed up.

Eddie felt himself deflate slightly and slipped his eyes closed, leaning back against the wall and nodding slowly. Clearing his throat, he glanced at Stan before nodding and looking at his feet, “Right… yeah, because I’m not dating anyone…”

“Speak of the devils,” Stan muttered and Eddie looked up to see Mike, Richie and Sandy heading toward them. He bit back a groan and kept his expression neutral as they approached.

“Hey, Stan The Man, came to keep an eye on your boy toy?” Richie asked with that twinkle in his eye he always got when mildly intoxicated. Eddie wondered if Sandy noticed it too before shaking the runaway thought from his mind. He couldn’t think like that, it was wrong and, more importantly, it was pointless.

Stanley said nothing, just gave Richie a look before pushing off the wall and muttering, “I’m going to go find Bill.”

Mike slipped into the spot Stan had been in a nudged Eddie, “Where’s Mila? I thought she was going to hang with you?”

“She went with Bev to do some shots in the kitchen,” Eddie shrugged, looking down into his cup.

“Damn! That sounds fun!” Sandy’s melodic voice exclaimed, drawing Eddie’s attention back up without his consent. He watched as she looked up at Richie and gently tapped his cheek, “You’re lucky I like you and am willing to stay sober enough to drive your drunk ass home.”

“I know and I cherish you, San,” Richie muttered, burying his face in the think, curly hair a top her head.

Eddie glanced away and met Mike’s eyes, “I can take you to find Mila.”

“Nah,” Richie cut in, looking over at them with his chin resting on Sandy’s hair, “I got it. I need a refill anyway. Eds? Need anything to drink?”

Mike moved to stand with Richie, who was finally detaching himself from his girlfriend, as Eddie shrugged and shook his head, instinctually snapping, “Don’t call me Eds. And no, I’m fine.”

“Cool,” Richie nodded and quickly leaned down to kiss Sandy, “Play nice, I’ll be back.”

“Later, Loser,” Sandy laughed, shoving him away. He laughed, shortly squeezing her hand before letting her go and following after Mike.

Why did they have to be so good together?

Eddie sighed, inspecting his cup closely to avoid looking at Sandy and thus being pulled into a conversation with her. She wasn’t bad to talk to or anything… she was actually really nice and funny, which just made it all the more fucking worse.

He shouldn’t feel this way… he had no reason on Earth to feel this way…

His luck ran out within a minute as Sandy looked around the room, her eyes falling on him as her redrum lips curled into a smile, “Eddie? Can I ask you something?”

No, he wanted to say. Fuck off, he wanted to add. But he didn’t.

Instead, he just shrugged and muttered too quiet for her to hear over the music, “Free fucking country.”

Sandy ran her gaze over his face before crossing her arms over her chest and saying loudly, “So, you really don’t like me, huh?”

His stomach dropped and he stood there for a long moment, opening and closing him mouth as he stared at her like a fucking deer in headlights.

He… he should say she was wrong, right? Wasn’t that what a good friend would do? What a best friend should do? Because he was still Richie’s best friend, right? Besides, he really had no rhyme or reason for not liking her. At least not one that made sense and didn’t make him out to be a total dick.

Finally, he managed to shake his head, “No! I— I don’t not like you, Sandy. I— I don’t even really know you.”

“And you don’t really try to,” She cocked her head to the side, “Actually, most of the time it feels like you’re avoiding me, trying to duck out of talking to me and I just wanted to know, you know, why?”

“Why?” Eddie echoed, still floored. Sandy was watching him with observant but unbothered eyes. If she really felt like he didn’t like her, it was clear that she didn’t care all that much about his opinion. He blinked and looked away before glancing back at her, “I don’t—“

“Is it because you don’t think I’m right for Richie?” She asked, tucking some of her flowing hair behind her ear, which was pierced in three places. Jesus, if he brought home a girl like her to his mother… It could possibly be worse than the way he was sure she’d react to finding out he was gay.

“No!” Eddie shook his head instantly, “That’s not it!”

“So you admit it, then? You admit you don’t like me?” Sandy quipped, a flash of something like triumph in her lush green eyes, those lips forming a confident smirk.

Eddie’s mouth slammed shut again and he shuffled uncomfortably, shaking his head and looking anywhere but at her. It felt like she was picking him apart, taking his walls away brick by brick and worming her way behind his exterior to the things he didn’t want anyone, especially her, to see. Again, he didn’t know what to say and he figured anything he managed to come up with, Sandy wouldn’t listen to anyway.

She’d already made up her mind that she knew everything. That she was totally right…

She was right, though, wasn’t she?

“Come on, that’s gotta be it, Eds. You think I’m wrong for Rich—“

“Do not fucking call me that,” Anger flared, hot and fierce in his chest, roaring up his throat and burning it. He spun his head back to look at her, glaring and continuing on hotly, “That’s not fucking it, Sandy, okay? You’re fucking perfect for Richie, you’re goddamn everything he’s ever wanted! It’s great, really, is it! I just don’t like you because I don’t fucking like you, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Sandy watched him as he practically yelled at her before falling silent. She sighed, shrugging, “I mean, I don’t think that’s something anyone wants to hear but okay. There’s hundreds of personalities out there, some are bound to clash.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Eddie rolled his eyes, spotting Richie head back their way with Mike and Mila trailing behind him, “I’m leaving now, Sandy.”

He ended up having to walk home, as Mike had been his ride.

_____________________________________________________________________

Two weeks after the party, Eddie had finally started to wind down from the whole thing. He’d spent almost all his time since waiting for Richie to confront him about being a dick to his girlfriend but he never did. Sandy must have not told him… shocking, really, with how wrapped around each other those two were.

Maybe it should have endeared him somewhat to her, having some secret that she’d kept, but it didn’t. He still felt like screaming every time she sat with them at lunch, on Richie’s other side, and wanted to throw up when he caught sight of his best friend leaning over to whisper some sweet nothing into her ear. It was getting to the point where he was avoiding ever hanging out with the Losers anymore because she was just always fucking there. There on Bill’s couch, snuggled into Richie’s side while they watched movies, there in the library, passing notes to Beverly about Bev’s clothing sketches, there all the time.

He couldn’t get away from Sandy and Richie and their nauseating obsession with each other.

However, he had agreed to pattering along with Mike to a rehearsal for his and Richie’s band in their bassist’s, Danny’s, garage.

Danny was fine… maybe even cute when Eddie gave him a little more attention but he wasn’t all that interesting or entertaining. Good enough at bass, though, Eddie guessed as he sat on the couch in the corner of the garage, reading his assigned book while the guys practiced.

“We could try You Shook Me All Night Long?” Danny suggested, playing with some cords on his bass nonsensically.

Richie shot him a look, “Can you fucking sing Brian Johnson, Danny? Cuz, I sure as hell can’t. I can barely manage some of Jagger’s range so no, we’re not going to try You Shook Me All Night Long. Ideas, Micycle?”

“I don’t care, Rich,” Mike sighed, glancing over at Eddie, who was still hunched over his book, “Something from Queen? We’re decent with Under Pressure or Another Bites The Dust.”

“See, Danny?” Richie snarked, pointing to Mike, “That’s what a good idea sounds like, you should try it on for size sometime.”

Mike laughed as Danny flipped Rich the bird before starting the iconic bass line for Under Pressure. Hearing this, Eddie glanced up, his eyes immediately finding Richie. He watched as the spastic asshole looked back at Mike, nodding in unison before they both joined Danny and started singing at the same time.

Eddie loved Queen… And he loved watching Richie play. Watching Mike and Richie play, that is.

Eyes trailing to follow Richie’s spidery digits as they found the cords on muscle memory alone, he suddenly felt like all the air had gone from his lungs, like Henry Bowers had just clocked him cold in the gut. Biting his lip, he forced his head back down and stared at the words on the page before him but not reading a single word.

All he could think about was that look of earnest concentration on Richie’s face that he only got when he was still getting comfortable playing a song…

He let out a breath of air and felt his face burn. Fucking humiliating.

Humiliating and pointless.

They played through the song and followed it by striking up the rhythm of Everybody Wants To Rule The World and then playing into Bastards of Young. After that song, Richie called for a break, eyeing the clock. He sighed, “Alright, San just got off work so she’ll be here in a bit, that cool, Danny?”

Danny shrugged, “I don’t care. Just don’t, like, fuck in my house.”

Eddie squeezed his eyes shut and forced the image of Sandy and Richie intimately wrapped up together from his mind as he heard Richie chuckle, “I swear to save all the fucking for her place later, Danny Fanny.”

Jumping up from his seat on the couch so that his book went tumbling to the floor, Eddie hastily snatched it up and ran a hand down his face, “I—Uh—I just remembered I gotta go so I’m just going to—“

“Seriously?” Richie asked, eyebrows drawing together. “You have to leave?”

“I— Yeah, my mom’s got, like, a thing so I’ll just walk back home before she freaks the fuck out,” Eddie shrugged, being uncharacteristically rough as he shoved his book into his backpack and kept his eyes on the ground.

Richie sighed, watching him, “Why are you so fucking busy all the time, now? You skip movie nights, you flake out of study sessions at Bev’s and Bill’s… It sucks, we barely hang out anymore, Eds.”

Eddie let out a humorless laugh and shot Richie a look, “Yeah, because that’s my fault.”

“Guys…” Mike broke in, raising his eyebrows.

At the same time, Richie rubbed the back of his neck and shot back, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means,” Eddie huffed, turning back to face Richie fully, “You’re the one who’s been too busy shoving your tongue down some random girl’s throat to make plans, not me.”

“Some random girl?” Richie snapped, sounding genuinely angry for the first time in the conversation, “Sandy’s not some random girl. She’s my girlfriend.”

“Yeah, I know,” Eddie shook his head, “So, I’ll just wait the month or however long this one’s gonna last and then just hang out with you after.”

“Eddie!” Mike scolded, shaking his head.

Danny was watching the two like they were a tennis match.

Richie turned his head away, laughing to himself in a humorless fashion before nodding and looking back at Eddie, “You know what? Fuck you, Eds. At least I’ve been in more relationships than just one four-day long fling from a year ago. What are you, twelve?”

Eddie glared, jaw set as he slung his bag over his shoulders, “Fuck you, too, asshole. As there’s even anyone in Derry worth wasting my time on.”

With that, he shoved his way out of the garage and out of the house, heart still hammering in his chest and his blood boiling. Why was everyone always so fucking obsessed with how many people you’d dated anyways? And it wasn’t like he had a ton of options, being gay in Derry, anyway and Richie fucking knew that!

Crossing his arms over his chest, he made it to the end of the driveway before Mike caught him.

“Eddie!” He heard his friend calling to him, “Eddie, come on, wait!”

Throwing his head back dramatically, he spun on his heel to face him, “What do you want, Mike?”

Mike stopped before him, opening and closing his mouth and glancing away before sighing and rubbing his hands together, “You… you can’t really be mad.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?! He said—“

Mike cut him off before his voice could rise up too high, “He said what he did because you started it! And you… really don’t have a right to start stuff about him and Sandy.”

“A right?” Eddie demanded, “What does that even—“

“You could have done something about it, Eddie,” Mike broke in again forcefully before sighing again and continuing softer and more somber, “You— you had every chance to make a move and you didn’t.”

Eddie stood there in Danny Costello’s driveway and felt like sinking right through the crust of the Earth so that he could burn up in the fucking core. That would be better than this, then having this conversation, because this couldn’t be happening. No one— No one could know that he—

He swallowed and stared at Mike, barely whispering, “I— I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Mike let out a long breath and nodded, keeping Eddie’s gaze, “Well, I think you do… And you can’t be mad at him for not waiting around for you to do something about it.”

“I’m not mad,” Eddie answered without thinking, “And I’m not— I didn’t expect— I don’t— Mike, I — I gotta go. My mom— I gotta go.”

He nearly tripped over himself in his haste to get away.

_______________________________________________________________________

It was movie night again and Eddie had forced himself to go.

He was being ridiculous, he had realized that on his walk home from the band rehearsal two days before. He was the one with the problem. He was being unreasonable, he was being crazy. And in the long run, it wouldn’t matter one way or another what Sandy thought of him but it would matter if Richie was mad.

His own idiocy wasn’t worth fighting, really fighting, with Richie. They didn’t fight, well, at least not the kind of fighting where they ended up honestly mad at each other. They snapped, they bickered, they argued but they didn’t ever mean any of it. It was just the way they were and Eddie wasn’t willing to risk that just because he was being a fucking psycho.

He’d gone to Richie’s locker first thing the next day and apologized. He even taken it a step further, promising he would make time to get to movie night that week… Which was how he’d wound up in his current situation.

It wasn’t actually bad yet, he thought, laughing as he watched Beverly, Mike, and Bill playing flip cup, without alcohol as Bill’s mother was upstairs, around the coffee table before him.

Richie, and by extension Sandy, hadn’t gotten there yet, his eyes unwittingly flickering to the other end of the couch, where the two usually snuggled. His chest constricted and he almost reached for the inhaler he didn’t carry anymore before grasping the pillow he had been hugging tighter.

Stupid.

“D—Dammit, Bev, how are you suh—so good?” Bill asked, leaning back on his hands as Beverly won yet another round against him and Mike.

The red head winked at him, adding, “I’m even better at beer pong.”

“We know,” Mike rolled his eyes, reaching up to flick one of the empty solo cups at her. Beverly easily caught it in air and set it on the edge of the table, flipping it in one try before giving Mike a cocky smile.

“Where’s Mila?” She asked as she gathered up the other cups and handed them up to Ben, who took them out to the kitchen for her.

Mike rolled his eyes, “She had to work and she refused to switch shifts with her friend because I guess she’s mad at me for something, I don’t know. She said she wants a night where she doesn’t have to see my face.”

Beverly laughed, leaning into Ben’s side as he took his spot beside her once again. From the chair over to the side, Stanley glanced over at them from his homework, “Well, you must have done something. Mila is the first sane girl you’ve dated.”

“I think she’s bugged that I cancelled plans to meet her parents this weekend,” Mike shrugged, “I didn’t want to but my grandpa said he needs me all weekend to help with this seasons harvest.”

“Still,” Bill said, shaking his head, “C—Can’t cancel on the SO’s p—parents, Mike.”

Mike was about to respond when the front door flew open, causing half of them to jump. Eddie, so thoroughly desensitized to Richie’s dramatic entrances, merely glanced over his shoulder and felt his heart jump into his throat. Richie was grinning, actually grinning, not the smirk-smile thing he did most of the time, and he was alone.

He felt his palms grow sweaty as he turned around fully to greet the trashmouth, “You’re late, asshole.”

Richie raised his eyebrows at him, still smiling wide and real, “Am I? Whoops.”

Behind Eddie, on the floor Beverly shot him a playful glare, “Yeah, Trashmouth, and it’s your turn to pick the movie, too, so we couldn’t even start anything without you.”

“Right,” Richie laughed a little and shook his head to himself.

Eddie’s eyebrows drew together and he glanced over his shoulder at Stanley, who also looked perplexed. Something was off. Usually about now, Richie would make some joke about how his pick for the week was some porn knock-off of a famous movie or something like that. He’d have already climbed over the back of the couch and pinched Eddie’s cheeks, saying hi and commenting about how cute he looked.

Instead, he was still just standing there, smiling to the point Eddie was starting to wonder if he was high on something.

Stanley spoke before he could, asking, “What are you giggling about, Trashmouth?”

Richie reached up, rubbing the back of his neck, and laughed again before declaring dramatically, “My dearest friends, I have come to the conclusion that I am completely obsessed, utterly in love, totally devoted!”

Before he could stop it, Eddie felt his expression go slack, his lips parting slightly as his breath caught in his throat.

Richie didn’t seem to noticed that or anything else, throwing his arms skyward as he rambled on, “I am in love with Sandra Penelope Montgomery and I must declare my love to the Heavens!”

“Please,” Eddie heard Beverly’s voice from somewhere distant, even though he was sure she was within reaching distance behind him, “Don’t do that, Tozier. But congratulations, I like Sandy. She’s good for you.”

“Yeah, that’s awesome, Rich,” Ben, again sounding miles away, added.

Eddie blinked, feeling the air in his throat and lungs like a fire that was licking him up from within. He couldn’t look at Richie, at his big, wide smile anymore, his eyes darting to his hands instead as he heard all the others cracking jokes or talking about how fucking great Sandy was and how happy they were for Richie. He wanted to join them, wanted to be happy for Richie too, but instead all he felt was that burning and a sense that he was on the verge of an asthma attack.

Breaking into a coughing fit, grasping his throat, he muttered something about needing water and bolted for the kitchen. He barely stumbled through the door but managed, going to the sink and turning the cold water on to full blast.

Each breath of air felt like pins and needles in his lungs and he felt his eyes prickle with tears as he reached out to grasp the counter so hard his knuckles turned white. His vision was becoming tunneled and it hit him a like a Mac truck that he was having a panic attack. A full blown, real deal panic attack.

He was having a panic attack and he wasn’t sure wether he was going to pass out, vomit down his front or just fall over dead right there. All he was sure of was that something awful was happening, something so awful he couldn’t even think it without wanting to cry.

Leaning down, he forced his eyes closed, taking in one breath at a time. He started off shaky and lightheaded by slowly, slowly managed to achieve some semblance of steady oxygen flow before he felt a hand fall onto his back. He jumped, standing up straight and whirling around to find Mike leaning against the counter beside him.

Eddie met the other boy’s eyes and quickly darted his gaze away, shame and embarrassment welling in his. He looked up at the ceiling, letting out a long, shaken breath before barely whispering, for only Mike to hear, “He’s in love with her.”

“I know...” Mike mumbled, shifting beside his friend, unsure of how exactly to help. He settled on reaching out to rub Eddie shoulder, “I’m— Eddie, I really am sorry.”

Eddie shook his head, being his hands up to run them down his face, whipping away any tears that he slipped through his defenses, “It doesn’t matter.”

He wasn’t completely sure who he was trying to convince, himself or Mike. Either way it was true. It didn’t matter, how he felt about Richie, how Richie felt about Sandy, none of it. It never had. Because so what if Mike had been right? So what if he did have feelings for Richie? Not a single part of it changed what was happening now. Richie was in love with Sandy and Eddie...

He squeezed his eyes closed and shook his head at himself before turning his head to Mike, “I’m fine Mike, I just need some water. You’re going to miss the start of the movie. Just, go.”

Mike watched him carefully for another minute before nodding slowly and slipping out of the kitchen. Eddie stood there alone for another minute, feeling that overwhelming sense of dread wash over him again but this time keeping himself together despite it. He bit his lip hard and bounced on the spot, taking more deep breathes before turning around and getting himself a glass of water.

He wasn’t dead, he reminded himself.

He could live with Richie being in love with Sandy. He could move past that, right? Surely.

Eddie’s brain flickered back to that sight of Richie, smiling bigger than he thought he’d ever seen, coming into the house just moments ago. Richie, looking happier than Eddie could remember him being in a long time. That couldn’t be a bad thing, could it?

Richie being happy?

He could survive this, live with the burning in his chest. As long as Richie was happy, he could do that easily.

Gulping his water, Eddie schooled his expression into a casual smile and went back to the living room to watch whatever dumb ass movie Richie had picked with his friends.

As long as Richie was happy, Eddie would find a way to be fine with it.

[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (1/17)

Summary:  "Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn't exist. Everything is a choice." At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him."

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn't.

Note: This has been sitting on my computer untouched for a while, along with the timeline I prepared for a multichapter fic. Will probs go back to it soon. Feedback is very much appreciated.

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

Link to cross-postings: AO3

In dreams people only see faces they already know.

It was an interesting fact Levi had probably come across, lazily scrolling through his social media timelines or opening countless tabs after getting into some Wikipedia blackhole in between the long days of schools and the short nights asleep.

He spent a fair amount of time on the internet, reading up about whatever bullshit politics came up with, controversies and bathroom reader fun facts. During his first year of college, it had stuck to him for a time. Maybe because it just seemed too unrealistic, too unbelievable.

After all, ever since he had started college, he felt like he had been dreaming of more and more unfamiliar faces. It could have been attributed at least to the fact that he was exposed to more people in a crowded city than he had been in the small town he grew up in. As time went by, these faces he barely recognized though, had become the main actors in his dream.

The long haired boy with the elvish features. The man with the clean cut appearance and a glint of mischief in his eyes. The oriental girl with subtle European features. The cheeky girl with a beat up pair of glasses and unkempt hair.

They and many others had been regulars in his dreams and Levi had come up with names for them already, names he remembered muttering, names he screamed multiple times in his head. By the time he woke up to the four walls of his bedroom a few hours before his first class, they were vague memories, only as intelligible as his view of the world right after waking up.

Some mornings, he had found himself more exhausted than when he had slept. Some mornings, he found his throat sore from screaming. Some days, his eyes were swollen from crying.

He lived alone in a dormitory and he had wanted to infer that it had been homesickness that had made those nightmares possible. He had never really abhorred being alone though, in fact he liked the privacy that came with having his own room.

He quickly shot down that theory and did not think too much about it soon after. His daily life did not give him too much time to ponder such fleeting and abstract of a concept as dreams in between lessons and training.  

The dreams never left him, some days they were more vivid than others. After a few years of navigating academics, trainings, and obligations, Levi had gotten used to brushing off that one tear he’d get as he woke up, taking a lozenge to soothe the sore throat or just leaving the lights off in his room to alleviate the pounding headache he would get some mornings.

Daily life and obligations never did allow him the time and space to ponder too much on those dreams. Levi chalked it up to stress and unexplained trauma, easily soothed by ten minutes scrolling through social media or hours reorganizing his room for the third time that week.

Financial and time constraints made it impossible as well to even consider consulting about it and Levi found himself compartmentalizing those dreams into those few hours of sleep he got at night and the one hour he allowed himself each day to adjust to the waking world.

The line blurred one night though when one of those names was nonchalantly mentioned among others.

"Hange Zoe..."

It was just one name in a list recited by their coach before they were all dismissed for the evening. Sandwiched between a few other names before and after it, it wasn't supposed to stand out like that. Oddly, it did.

As Levi rode his bike to his dormitory room after a tiring day of training, he found himself repeating that name again and again. He tried to make sense of the odd familiarity which came with a name he could have sworn he had never heard before.

A family friend? A childhood friend?

Levi entertained those possibilities. Having grown up in a small town, his family friends and childhood friends consisted of everyone in that tight knit community and he could have listed out all their names then and there. She wasn’t part of it.

To at least, satisfy his own curiosity, Levi had sent a message to his parents before going to sleep. Just in case he had met her before.

Levi woke up the next morning, his throat a little scratchier, his body a little more tired. The first thing he did was check his phone.

Hange Zoe wasn’t a family friend.

Levi put the covers over himself and closed his eyes. His head was pounding and his chest was heavy. He had only noticed a moment later that his eyes were wet, his breaths were coming out in heaves.

What did I dream about this time?

Levi needed the whole morning to recover.

                                  A Tale of Two Slaves

Levi managed at least to drag himself out of bed for afternoon training. By then, others have already started warming up. Levi wondered if he would be able to carry his body through a warm up jog, given his state only a few hours ago.

In the end, getting the jog done became a matter of discipline more than anything else and he had finished well above everyone else.

He had always been faster, given his smaller build and he had the natural muscle and athletic skill to be versatile as well. That was what made him stand out as the best athlete in the track and field team. He never cared too much either way about the admiration many of his teammates held towards him.

The recurring nightmares and the aftermaths of these though had left Levi averse to human interaction. Ironically, as he moved away from his small town and into the bigger city, his world had gotten smaller. Levi found himself keeping his world only wide enough to win track and field events and pass classes.

No man could really ever be an island though, no matter how much they try. Levi soon found that out when he saw that aforementioned Hange Zoe on the side of the track, talking to one of their coaches.

“This is Hange Zoe.”

“You can call me Hange.”

Levi did not need that quick introduction his coach had just given him. Somehow, the name and the face just clicked inside him. He looked expectantly at his coach and back at Hange.

Hange held out her hand to him and smiled. “I heard you’re the best one in the team. Coach Greg spoke highly of you.”

Levi narrowed his eyes at her. “What's she doing here?”

“Didn’t I tell you last time? Some of the premed students wanted to do case studies on athletes here for their final thesis. If you could help them out?” The coach turned to Hange. “Levi here is one of our best jumpers. He holds a pretty good record for sprinting, hurdles and throwing events as well.”

“Your jogging form looks amazing! I’d love to see you in action.”

Levi was not prepared for the invasion of privacy that came a second after. Hange held both of his hands towards her and leaned closer towards him. Before Levi could even stop himself, he had pushed her away and ran, the screaming of his coach to come back had become mere muffled screams in the background.

The only reason Levi did drag himself to training was for the fact that it was still one of the few hobbies he found complete calm yet complete liberation in. Those few moments after launching himself up in the air, those magical few moments high up in the air with only the empty sky above him, Levi felt free.

As Levi powered through, he found within him a burst of energy, built up from an idle morning cooped up in his room.

He had done those same drills so many times before. The excitement he got from flying through the air and running easily took over whatever exhaustion and rattledness plagued him only a second ago. He let his body memory guide him through each drill, concentrating his consciousness on other things like the cool wind on his skin as he shot through the track and the purple sky that stretched above as he performed horizontal jumps.

If Levi had been any more aware of his surroundings, he would have noticed his teammates leaving the track one by one. Maybe, he would have noticed as he started moving to the hurdles that the purple sky was slowly turning into a dark blue and the scenery around him was becoming just a little more than shadows.

It was nothing new. Levi had stayed behind to work on other skills multiple times and his coach and teammates had just learned to leave the club room open. Levi would leave an extra thirty minutes to an hour later than his companions,

At that training though, with little incentive to break away from that small bubble he had built for himself, not  a lot of things could have broken his concentration. Fifteen minutes into his hurdles exercises, the distraction came. Levi was raising one leg, positioning himself to jump a hurdle when he caught a shadow from his peripherals.

Someone had been watching him in the dark.

He was alone. Or he was supposed to be alone at least.

The combination of those realizations and the exhaustion that threatened to take over Levi only caused Levi to stumble on the hurdle in front of him and fall forward onto cold ground.

“Hey! You okay?”

It was that same voice from that same conversation Levi had walked away from just an hour ago. The voice was as loud and as annoying as it was an hour ago that even when his shadow was still a good few meters away, Levi remembered how it felt with her forehead once again pressed on his and her grip on his two hands.

Levi was frozen on the ground, his body still in shock at the sudden loss of control and the whiplash of what he had just imagined.  

“That looked painful.” Her voice was softer than it was a second ago. Hange put her hand on his.

Levi pulled away instinctively, and winced as his palms protested the quick action. Levi looked at his palms. In the dim light, he could see three long gashes lined up in the middle. Blood was starting to come out as well.

Levi was exhausted. The impact and the aftermath of falling on the ground, front first and the friction burns that followed, only further drained what was left of his energy.

By the time Hange helped him up by the shoulders  Levi was almost motionless, the small movements he made were carefully calculated for fear of aggravating the dull pain.

“Let’s get you cleaned up.”

                              A Tale of Two Slaves

“Sorry about a while ago… People say I’m just a little too intimidating  but I just get really excited about these types of things. You had such a good running form. You jump so high. You get a really good height above the hurdles… “ Hange gave him a consoling look. “Except that last one.”

Hange was closer to him than what Levi would have preferred at first. Oddly, he had gotten used to it quickly enough, particularly because he had no other choice.

The gashes on his palms were bloody and painful. With little to no means to bandage them himself, he was left to rely on the only person there and as Levi soon found out, she had problems with maintaining a comfortable social distance from people.

And she never stopped talking.

“Are the bandages too tight?” Hange asked, in between other ramblings Levi had tuned out.

“‘No.” The only words Levi had said since they had arrived in the club room fifteen minutes ago.

“Okay, let’s move on to your knees.”

Levi had not surveyed the damage himself but he guessed it was probably worse than his palms from Hange’s concerned frown.

“You’re gonna need stitches for this. The clinic probably isn’t open so you might have to go to the hospital… We could call a taxi and---”

“You’re a pre-med student, can’t you do it yourself?”

Hange blushed. “You trust me to do it?”

"A trip to the hospital will just be a waste of time." Levi admitted.

Hange rummaged deeper into the first aid kit. "This is gonna be painful though."

Better than taking a trip to the hospital now. Levi braced himself for it and decided to distract himself from the discomfort of the whole ordeal.  

“How does it feel? Flying in the sky like that?” Hange asked. At that point, Hange had started to talk more purposefully, as if she wanted to get a point across to him.

Levi guessed that it was all an attempt to distract him from the mini operation she was giving him. From his angle, Levi could not see the extent of the injuries, nor did he want to. The pain was bearable, although it was still much worse than what he would have considered a discomfort.

“I’ve always wanted to take a sport like that, maybe gymnastics, maybe figure skating or track and field? That’s the closest people can get to flying right?” Hange was asking too many questions but it was obvious she was not expecting answers.

Her words flowed as smoothly as the movement of the needle and thread he could see from his angle.

Something about the way she talked to him was comforting and eventually Levi had almost completely relaxed, the pain of needle to torn skin a distant memory. He lay back on the bench and closed his eyes, focusing not on her words but instead on the familiar warm tone as she spoke.

The sensation of needle to skin, the burning pain, the dizziness that followed. They were all too familiar. All accompanied by that familiar warm voice.

Maybe we should just live here together. Right Levi?

If we keep running and hiding, what will that get us.

Hange's voice tore into his daydream. “What do you mean? Are you running from something?"

[not-close-to-straight]

Summer Nights (Two)

Welcome back to the story! Peter Quill as Tom is my favorite, Tony and Steve re-unite, misunderstandings abound and our boys get their hearts broken just a little bit more. 

MASTERLIST HERE

**************

The pep rally was lack luster at best-- forcefully over enthusiastic cheering for a football team that hadn’t won a game in several years, a semi exhausted speech by Coach Lee who had been head of Andover High athletics since the dawn of time, and a cheerleading squad that was made up of mostly newbies stumbling through their routines and one overly peppy Scott Lang. 

Steve had never once considered being a cheerleader, but Scott had talked him right into try outs and then into wearing a sparkly shirt to coordinate with the girls’ outfit and now here he was trying to get through a complicated lift without dropping anyone, or getting kicked in the face.  

It had been an exhausting week trying to settle in to Andover. Senior year meant friend groups and cliques were already well established, and Steve had jostled from one group to another as he tried to figure out where to sit. 

He was smart enough to sit with the nerds, but he’d gotten in trouble in history class for drawing all over his binder, which had apparently labeled him an art kid. But the art kids smoked cigarettes and other things, and Steve didn’t do that sort of thing. He was big enough to be a jock, but after witnessing him barely getting through the cheerleader tryouts, the coaches had stopped asking him to join the teams and even though Steve had heard rumours about the leather wearing, class skipping, car racing gang he had yet to even see them.

Not that he wanted to be a part of that particular scene of course. No sir, he was much better suited to khakis and button ups then leather and hair grease. 

And besides, Steve’s current group of semi-friends wasn’t all that terrible. Thor was nice, almost overly nice, helpful and inclusive and always willing to drop whatever he was doing to spend time with Steve. Carol was hilarious if not a little jarring with her bluntness, Pepper wanted so badly to be grown that she hated everything about high school which was funny in it’s own way and Natasha...

Well, Steve was maybe a little sheltered but he wasn’t stupid. He knew Natasha could hardly stand him, thought he was too goody two shoes to hang with their crowd. 

Her attitude sure made lunch and shared classes awkward but it had only been a week and Steve knew hoped things would get better. He had to move past sitting in his room and re-reading the few love notes Tony had written him this summer. He had to move past--

—Steve startled from his thoughts when a pen bounced off his cheek and rattled into the bleachers, and when he heard a loudly hissed “Pssst!”, Steve craned his neck in either direction, looking both ways down the row of football players until someone else leaned back and waved at him. 

“Psst! Hi!” Peter Quill, jersey number seventy two, curly hair, an ear to ear grin, and the sort of build that made people swoon flashed Steve a smile. “How you doing?”

“Hi?” Steve waved back only because he was too polite not to. “I’m fine, how are you?”

“You’re gorgeous.” Peter whispered. “I was watching you on the field, you did great out there!”

“I dropped someone.” Steve whispered back and Peter shrugged it off with a cheerful, “At last weeks game I dropped my helmet and then tripped over it and almost broke my nose! You were way more graceful! Plus you’re cuter than me!” 

“Thank you.” Steve blushed a little under the unexpected flirting. “Um-- yeah. Thank you.” 

Peter made a writing motion on his hand and said, “I tossed you a pen so you would give me your number! You should let me take you out some time. I have great taste in music and a sweet ride plus I don’t hog all the ice cream!” 

“Oh.” Just that fast the flirting lost its appeal and Steve’s smile dropped. “Oh I’m not— I don’t think—“ I am not ready for this. “I mean, um--”

“No rush.” Peter reached back and tapped the number on his jersey. “You know my number, you can just call me, alright?” 

Steve hesitated because a football jersey number was definitely not a phone number and honestly, he didn’t know if Peter knew that. “...sure?” 

The pep rally exploded into cheers just then, cowbells and foghorns as Coach Lee said something exciting, and Steve put Peter out of his mind as he ran back out with the other cheerleaders and tried his best not to let one of the girls fall. 

He was not ready to date. No thank you. 

Afterwards, Thor met Steve at the sidelines and swept him into a hug, booming, “You were great out there, Steve! A true natural!” while Carol cracked jokes about wanting to join the team just to look under the girls skirts and Pepper filed at her nails and commented something about how Steve’s pants made his thighs look amazing. 

Natasha watched the whole scene with pursed lips and an unreadable glint in her eyes and as soon as Thor had let go of Steve, she jumped forward to grab his wrist. “Come on, Stevie boy.” she jerked her head towards the other side of the field. “Have I got a surprise for you.” 

“A surprise?” It wasn’t that Steve didn’t trust Natasha, but wow he really didn’t trust the moody redhead so he was glad for Thor and the others who followed as well. “Where are we going?” 

“You’ll see.” Natasha said over her shoulder, and Pepper tugged at Steve to straighten his hair and brush some of the grass stains off his shirt. 

“What are you doing?” Steve waved Pepper’s hands away but she shook her head and clicked her tongue, insisting, “You need to look your best!” as she dotted a little colored gloss to his lips. “I just want you to look nice, Steve! Stop acting like it will kill you to wear a little gloss!” 

“Leave him alone, he looks fine.” Thor was too big too ignore, so when he pushed between Pepper and Steve, the redhead only huffed and put her make up away. “Come on, Steve.” 

Ahead of them now, Natasha pushed through Sam and Valkyrie and ignored Clint’s wave to meet Bucky’s eyes and smirk when the big brunette straightened up in interest. “Heya, Buck.” 

“Tasha.” Bucky cocked his head, letting his hair fall into his eyes as he looked Natasha over. “You’re looking good tonight.” 

Natasha’s smirk grew into a real smile, but it only lasted a second before she turned her attention to Tony, folding her arms and tipping her chin up and sounding almost cheerful as she said, “Heya Tones. Boy oh boy, do I got something for you.” 

“Oh yeah?” Tony tried and failed to sound even partly enthused, looking away as he took a drag at his cigarette. “Pretty sure there’s only one thing you got, and I’m not interested. Thought we decided you and I weren’t a good match.” 

“I think I decided you were a little too Quick Draw McGraw for my taste.” Natasha shot back, but she almost regretted the poison in her words when she saw Tony cringe as if the words had actually hurt. 

Tony Stark has a heart? Nah, no way.

“Either way,” she continued, a tad cooler now. “I found something pretty you left behind on the beach.” 

“The beach?” Tony suddenly sounded exhausted, as if talking about the beach might actually take every last bit of his energy. “What do you mean something pretty from the beach? What the hell are you talking about?” 

“I’m talking about this.” Natasha whirled around just as the rest of the group came up, snagging Steve’s wrist and yanking him forward, nearly shoving Steve right into the middle of the group. “Surprise. Say hello, lover boy.” 

The cigarette fell from Tony’s lips when his jaw dropped open and Steve stopped in his tracks and just stared---

“---Steve?” Tony whispered and Steve cried, “Tony!” and they ran for each other at the same time. Tony practically leaped for Steve, wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck and dragged him down those few inches to crush their mouths together. Steve’s knees buckled at that first touch, but he kissed Tony back as hard as he could, fingers combing through Tony’s slicked back hair and dragging down Tony’s back until Steve could clutch at the leather jacket and use it to hold Tony right up against him--

--"What in the hell is going on?” From Sam, and from Valkyrie, “Who is this guy and why is Tony acting like that?” 

“Tony?” Bucky cleared his throat loudly. “What th’hell, man? Who is this?” 

Just that fast, Tony yanked away from Steve like his mouth was burning, stumbling back a few steps and wiping at his lips. He stopped and straightened the jacket Steve had crumpling in his hands, smoothed his hair back in a gesture that Steve had always found adorable but now only seemed... well now it almost seemed off putting, defensive even and Steve didn’t know what to think about that. 

“...Tony?” 

“So uh--” Tony cleared his throat and folded his arms, unfolded his arms and ran his hands through his hair again, kicked at the dirt and managed to look everywhere except Steve for a long minute before speaking again.

This time his voice was almost harsh, something unreadable in his expression, “Imagine that. My piece from the beach showed up at my school. What are you doing here, Steve?” 

“Piece from the beach?” Steve shook his head. “My parents decided to stay here, my Dad got a great job and we found a house right away and--” he reached out for Tony again, ignoring the growing snickers from the group surrounding them. “--what are you doing? Why are you acting like this? Aren’t you happy to see me?” 

“Well I mean sure, it’s always nice to revisit an old memory.” Tony’s eyes looked too dark in the light from the football field, dark and almost angry and Steve didn’t understand that at all. “But what’s summer is summer, and what’s school is school, so I don’t know why you’re being crazy about it.” 

“That’s ridiculous, don’t say that.” Steve put his hand to his stomach as it started to twist uncomfortably. “I thought I’d never see you again. I gave you my number and then we never went back to New York and I was so worried you would call and no one would answer--” he stopped. “You did call, didn’t you? Tony? You called like you said you would?” 

“Oh my god.” Pepper whispered behind Steve and his stomach started to hurt even more. “Oh my god, Steve has no idea what kind of guy Tony is. He never calls anyone.”

“Oh honey--” Carol sounded devastated for Steve, and even the so far smirking Valkyrie started to look a little uncertain. “We should get him out of here.” 

“...Tony?” 

“Of course I called.” Tony said shortly and the tiny flare of hope Steve felt was squashed when Tony finished cruelly, “I called exactly one time, but no one picked up so I figured I wouldn’t waste my time trying again. Even if I wanted to try again, I couldn’t keep your number and all the other numbers I got straight. You had a ten o clock curfew, babe, there’s a whole other world I was into after you went home to bed.” 

“Wait wait, you actually called him?” Bucky asked in disbelief and Tony’s lips thinned into a frown as he retorted, “Well yeah. You see how hot he is, that body’s worth a call.” 

“That’s enough.” Thor got an arm around Steve’s shoulders just before he crumpled, turning him away from Tony. “Stark you’re an asshole, why would you say that sorta thing?” 

“Dunno why you’re surprised.” Tony’s fingers were shaking so badly he could barely light a new cigarette, but he did it anyway, taking a deep enough drag to make his eyes water. “You know who I am.” 

“No no wait, so you--” Steve pushed Thor’s arm away, tears in his bright blue eyes. “--you lied to me? About our feelings and everything? About loving--” 

“Summer nights make a fella do crazy things.” Tony interrupted and blew a plume of smoke towards Steve. “And I wasn’t lying, I was just you know… playing it up? Pretty boys like you don’t go for greasers like me, so I felt like it wouldn't hurt to be a little less me until you let me--” Tony could barely say it. “--until you let me get in your pants.”   

“Oh my god.” Both of Steve’s hands flew to his mouth and Thor started to turn him away again. “Tony are you-- are you serious?” 

“You don’t gotta give me some pretend speech about moving and changing numbers.” Tony waved Steve off. “I called, you didn’t answer, you obviously didn’t want me to call or you wouldn’t have given me an old number. I’ve done the same thing to people, so it’s fine. Sure is fuckin’ weird coincidence you ended up coming to this school, but I don’t care. No harm no foul, no hard feelings.” 

“Tony--!”

“Real good to see you again!” Tony said over loud, forcing out a laugh that didn’t sound anything near natural. “I gotta say I prefer swimming shorts to khakis, though! No reason to hide those legs! Let’s see them gams, Steve!” 

His group of friends burst into raucous laughter and Steve wrenched away from Thor and ran, the hoots and jeers following him across the field, along with Carol and Pepper calling after him to make sure he was alright. 

“Well done, Tony.” Natasha clapped her hands a few times. “Look at you, living up to everything we know you can be.” 

“Fuck off, Tasha.” Tony burned through one cigarette and lit another, muttering a curse when he dropped his lighter. “Don’t you have a corner to go stand on in that outfit? Try showing a little more skin, see what happens.”

“Hey!” Bucky shoved at Tony’s shoulder and scowled, “Ain’t no reason to call it like that, Tony. Tasha’s a lady!” 

“I don’t know about being a lady.” Natasha said blandly, but her smile for Bucky was secretly pleased, and when he closed one pale blue eye in a wink, she might have even blushed a little bit. “But thanks all the same. Tony, I really hope you enjoy the rest of your night.” 

“Fuck. Off.” 

“Tony.” Bucky waited until Natasha, Thor and the other girls went off in search of Steve, and then asked, “Tony, you okay?” 

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” Tony brushed right past Bucky and headed towards the car, cursing again when his pants caught on a strip of rust and snagged. “Hey, we should get this piece of crap into the shop and see about makin’ it pretty huh? Come up with a cool name? I’m thinking fins, running boards, a paint job in hot rod red and maybe even--” 

“Tony.” Bucky jogged after him, speaking quickly before the rest of their gang caught up. “Seriously, are you alright? That was-- that was intense. The one person you actually call and he gave you a wrong number?”

“Summer fling, don't mean a thing.” Tony was clearly not okay as he picked at the nearly worn upholstery. “I don’t care about Steve. I called him once, he didn’t pick up, decided I wasn’t going to try again. Why waste time on someone you’re never gonna see again? There’s no point.”

“But he’s here now.” Bucky pointed out. “And you were sorta crazy there, Tony. He obviously missed you, maybe the number thing was just a--” 

“Why don't you shut the hell up and just drive?” Tony snapped. “It doesn’t mean anything! He gave me an old number, I’ve done that to about a hundred people alright? S’just embarrassing that he’s trying to act like we-- like we--” 

Tony coughed and shook his head. “Just drive.” 

Bucky ground the car into drive, whistled for the other three to, “Hurry th’hell up or get left th’hell behind!” and Tony stared out the window and told himself not to cry as they peeled out of the parking lot. 

He was not going to cry. He wasn’t in love, that was stupid. It was a summer fling, he’d been an idiot who wanted to continue it over the winter and Steve had given him a fake number. The woman on the other line had said she didn’t know a Steve, that he didn’t live there, not that Steve had moved or anything like that.  Nobody just up and decided to move all at once, no one did that, no way that was real.

Steve had given him a wrong number or a fake number or maybe he’d lied about going back to New York altogether. Maybe he had already moved here but didn’t want Tony to know cos he didn’t want to keep dating and then it was just fuckin’ unfortunate they ended up in the same school. 

Just fuckin’ unfortunate was all it was, but it didn’t matter. 

Tony was not going to cry. 

**************

“I don’t know if I’m up for this.” Steve balked at the door to Carol’s house. “I’m not in the mood to hang out, and even if I was, this is a girl’s house and I think my parents would be upset about it. I should just go home.” 

“I’m here too, it’s not like it’s you in a room full of lingerie wearing man eaters.” Thor was sort of shockingly strong and even though Steve dug his heels into the carpet, Thor just pushed him in anyway. “And even if it was just you alone, you don’t like the girls like that anyway. We aren’t staying the night, just having a little wine and a little gossip and--” 

“I don’t really want to see Natasha.” Steve blurted, and Thor hesitated. “She hates me, Thor. See what she did with Tony? I don’t want to see her ever again.” 

“Natasha is...” Thor waved at Carol’s parents as they passed through the kitchen. “Natasha isn’t as bad as you think, Steve. She was a bitch tonight but more than likely she thinks showing you how awful Tony is now will save you some heartbreak in the future.” 

“I think she was just being a bitch.” Steve muttered, and Thor repeated, “She isn’t as bad as you think. Give her another chance.” 

“...I guess.” 

Steve stayed quiet after that, picked a corner of Carol’s room and stayed quiet as Pepper and Natasha flipped through fashion magazines, stayed quiet as Carol jumped up and re enacted a fairly hilarious commercial about toothpaste, stayed quiet when Thor retrieved a bottle of wine from his bag and the girls all cheered. 

“Oh! I have the perfect snack for this!” Carol ripped into a box of Twinkies and held them high. “They were buy one get one free so I ate a box and saved us a box!” 

“Twinkies and wine, Carol?” Pepper looked absolutely scandalized. “Real mature.”

Thor defended Carol’s choice with a loud, “I picked out a dessert wine, Pepper! Twinkies are perfect for it!” and Carol stuck out her tongue towards the prissy redhead. 

“Well if it’s perfect, don’t hog it.” Pepper still looked irritated, but she snatched the bottle anyway, taking a quick sip and then holding it out for Steve. “You need a drink after a night like tonight, honey. Come on and have some.” 

“Oh.” Steve hugged his knees to his chest and shook his head. “No thank you. I don’t drink. I mean, not other than a little champagne on holidays with my parents.”  

“Of course he doesn’t drink.” Natasha tpssed her magazine aside and rolled her eyes. “Probably don’t smoke either?” Another shake of Steve’s head. “Of course not. What did you do in New York for fun, then? Seems to me like you were just a wet--” 

“I have news!” Thor interrupted, effectively cutting off whatever no doubt rude thing Natasha was going to say. “I’ve decided to enroll in beauty school!” 

The announcement was met with pin drop silence, and then Carol snorted wine out her nose and started screaming with laughter, Natasha nearly fell off the bed cackling, and even though Pepper made an effort to control her giggles, eventually she gave up and collapsed into absolute shrieks. 

“Rude.” Thor huffed, fluffing his shoulder length hair. “I’ll have you know my interview went very well. They thought I’d be an excellent fit and I’m going to start taking classes after school.” 

“OH MY GOD!” Carol was outright guffawing and Thor winged a pillow at her in annoyance. 

“You’ll all be sorry when you want your hair done and I charge you a bunch of money for it!” 

“I’m sure you’ll be fine.” Steve spoke up and Thor beamed at him. “You should definitely do what you want to do with your life. Um, Carol, could I use your bathroom for a minute?” 

It was obvious Steve was right on the verge of a breakdown so Carol pulled herself together enough to gesture down the hallway so Steve would know which way to go. The second the blond was gone though, Carol immediately started teasing Thor--

“So are you going to start piercing ears? I feel like that should be illegal, way too dangerous. Also would you please dye your hair? Any color is fine but I’m partial to blue. And oh oh god will you please perm your hair? Maybe just crimp it?” 

“Keep laughing.” Thor said calmly. “You’ll see.” 

“Oh I’ll see alright--!” 

Carol launched into another round of teasing, but Pepper sidled close to Natasha and elbowed her. “You know, it was sorta cruel what you did to Steve earlier. We all know Tony is the worst, but you could have been nicer about having Steve find out.” 

“Oh please.” Natasha was rifling through Pepper’s lipstick bag and finally settled on a over bright lip gloss. “Wouldn’t it have been worse if we let poor precious Steve wax on like an idiot about some version of Tony that doesn’t actually exist and then weeks from now when he finally figures it out, he’d be made at us for not telling him.” 

“There’s better ways to do it than setting them both up in a bad situation.” Pepper protested. “Tony doesn’t show any emotion around those dummies! There’s no way he would have been even remotely decent to Steve tonight and you know it. I’ve watched Tony get kicked out of class just because he was too stubborn to apologize in front of his friends, you knew he wasn’t going to act right with Steve with Bucky and Val and the Tweedles watching!” 

“... the Tweedles?” 

“Oh.” Pepper waved a hand towards Carol. “We decided Clint and Sam are Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumbass.”

“That actually makes perfect sense.” 

“Anyway.” Pepper pursed her lips. “Tasha I’m just saying--” 

“Not a single one of you asked if I was okay after Tony dumped me this summer.” Natasha interrupted and Pepper blinked at her in surprise. “Not a single one of you. Tony and me went together for two months and then he disappeared and you and I spent almost every day together this summer and you didn’t ask once if I was alright with it all. But you expect me to care about Steve?” 

“...I didn’t realize you cared about Tony.” Pepper said slowly. “I um-- I mean you always said it was nothing serious--” 

“It wasn’t.” Natasha’s green eyes glittered coldly. “But you could have asked anyway. And now, boo hoo, pretty blond boy got his heart broken? Steve fooled around with Tony all summer and then is surprised when that leather jacket wearing degenerate isn’t as nice as he pretended to be. He’s so damn naive he deserves a good heartbreak.” 

“That’s not really fair, Tasha.” Pepper murmured and Natasha only shrugged. “Nobody deserves a heartbreak.” 

“Excellent advice coming from the girl with a list of romantic pen pals longer than my arm.” Natasha said dryly. “You stay here and hang out with blonde and prissy. I’m going to find some fun.” 

“Wait, is Tasha finding some fun?” Carol interrupted. “I want to find some fun, what are we--” Carol’s eyes bugged out when the unmistakable sound of a car in dire need of some tuning rolled into her driveway. “Who is that! Is that the boys? Who called them, my parents are gonna flip!” 

“I called Bucky when we got here.” Natasha tugged her shirt down a little more in the front and grabbed her purse. “I knew I’d be bored, and I knew he’d be up for a good time.” 

“Okay but honestly.” Thor gestured around the room. “Carol’s parents will definitely have something to say about you going out with Bucky. What are you going to do, crack a window and shimmy down the drain pipe to get to-- oh look,she’s opening the window, she’s actually going to shimmy down the drainpipe-- Natasha! Get back in here!” 

The moment the window opened, Bucky jumped out of the car, striking a perfectly casual pose where his t-shirt pulled tight across his arms and chest and his pants pulled tight everywhere else, his eager grin sliding into something heated when Natasha’s green eyes tracked his form and lingered beneath his belt line. 

“What’s good, Buck?” Natasha stopped a few feet away, not bothering to be coy, not bothering to hide her intentions. “You wanna show me a good time?” 

“You know I do.” Bucky hissed a breath through his teeth when Natasha shifted and her shirt rode up on her waist, and fumbled for the door handle behind him, swinging the creaky door open and motioning inside. “Your chariot, my Lady. Hop right in.”

“First things first, this ain’t that sorta party.” Natasha cut her gaze to Sam and Clint and Valkyrie who were sharing from a flask and making chicken sounds for some unfathomable reason. “Get rid of the baggage.” 

“Yep.” Bucky reached back and clamped a hand on Sam’s collar and then the other on Clint’s and bodily dragged them out of the car, raising his voice over their squawking to order, “Valkyrie, you too. Hit the road.” 

“Real shit day when a guy chooses a ho over a bro!” Sam called and Valkyrie echoed, “Real shit day, Buck!” 

“Don’t give a damn.” Bucky slapped a few dollars in Clint’s palm and jerked his thumb back towards town. “Go get something at the ice cream shop, but leave us the hell alone, you hear?” 

“Well what about Tony--?” Clint started to protest, but when they turned around to check on Tony, they found him already walking down the street alone, head down as he kicked at a few pebbles, hands shoved in his pockets as he wandered away. “Oh. Where’s he going?” 

“Who cares?” Bucky did care of course, but he was way more concerned with the way Natasha’s fingers were plucking at his belt to wonder where his buddy was going. “Shall we?” 

“Shall we?” Natasha mocked, but her smile was genuinely happy as Bucky pulled her into the middle seat so she was budged up against him. “Take me somewhere fun, Bucky. I’m bored and you should change that. 

“Yes ma’am.” Bucky leaned in and kissed her, then backed out of the driveway. “Here we go.” 

Upstairs, Steve watched through the window as Bucky sped away with Natasha whooping at his side, then craned his neck further down to see the lone figure of Tony still walking in the other direction. 

“Is he really as bad as everyone says?” he asked sadly. “Is Tony-- I mean-- is he really who he was tonight?” 

From his new spot sprawled on the bed Thor confirmed, “I hate to say it, Steve. But the Tony you met tonight is the same Tony we’ve known for years. He’s pretty much always like that.” 

“More or less.” Carol agreed. “Sorry, Steve. Those guys, they put on those leather jackets and turn into grade A assholes.” 

“Don’t sweat it honey.” Pepper popped up next to Steve on the window seat and opened up a box of perfume scent paper. “If you don’t want to pine over Tony, you can always have one of mine mkay?” 

“One of your--” Steve’s eyes bugged open when Pepper unfolded an accordion style packet of photos, men and women, some military, some dressed up, some nearly naked. “Oh my gosh, there’s so many of them! How do you keep track?” 

“ I am a very dedicated pen pal,hopelessly devoted to each and every one.” Pepper grinned at Steve and pointed to the first picture. “This one here is Happy. He drives limos for the rich folks in the summer time and when he gets done, we get drunk and fool around in the back seat. This one is the James Rhodes, he’s in the air force, isn’t he gorgeous? He sends me fancy things from Korea. Oh and this is T’Challa, he’s the Prince of some country somewhere and Nakia is his fiancee. I met them at a gala the Mayor threw and fell promptly in love with both.” 

Steve raised his eyebrows and Pepper shrugged, “My parents are rich, I meet rich people. Oooh and this? This is Maria.” 

“Ah Maria.” Carol sighed dramatically and Thor clasped his hands over his heart. “That woman could slap me and I’d actually say thank you and ask for another one.”

“Steve darling, you can have any of my pen pals except Maria.” Pepper said authoritatively, handing Steve a stack of stationary and a pen of his own. “You write the letter, I’ll send it, you’ll have a new heart throb in no time, someone who appreciates your honesty and sincerity and um--” she gave Steve a quick once over. “--pleated khakis.” 

“Um…” Steve held the materials gingerly. “Thank you?” 

“Worst case, you could always write a Dear Tony, Fuck You letter.” Thor suggested and Carol mumbled her agreement over a mouthful of Twinkie. “He deserves it.” 

“I suppose.” Something sharpened inside Steve’s freshly re-broken heart and there was a determined glint in his eye when he asked, “Actually, do any of you have Peter Quill’s number?” 

“...I do.” Thor said slowly. “Are you going to call him?” 

“I think I will.” Steve lifted his chin and tried not to let his voice wobble. “Tony Stark sure got over me quick, I think it’s high time I get over him too.” 

**********

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@ships-galore @ceealaina @izziebladez @cwar1864 @hausoffro @lookuplaughing @tonystarkisanangel @multishippinglife @girlnic @iam93percentstardust @water-colouredmemories @paranormalmoonlight5 @igotloki @moosette05 @wayward-student-philosopher @kaz-brekkers-gloves @atomicfandombomb @desitonystark @1fuckingshitup69 @agentlokii @here-for-your-bullshit @livewire28 @flowers-and-honey @wayward-student-philosopher @bluedreamdino @blackreaders-assemble @pidgist @im-not-an-armrest-im-short @lronfrost  @aisu-hawk 

[gtseven7]

My Seven Idols

Summary:

Got7 as highschoolers as they deal with graduation and college at the same time starting up their own Youtube channel as idols.

A/N: Second chapter skskskskssks updates are slow but it’ll be slower coz i have a job now lol and i just realized that my format (for all my fics) looks horrible on pc but it looks ok on mobile (thats where i used to do everything) imma be editing those bc they’re so awful i apologize. 

//prev

--

2

The big doors of the gymnasium opened, allowing a certain man in. Walking with confidence and steady feet, the murmurs of the people slowly dies down. At the very front, the reason of the crowd gathering together, stood oblivious to the person who just came in. They were still dancing to the beat of the music, trying to charm the ladies watching. Until the music abruptly stopped. Jinyoung holds the plug on his hand. The five guys, known as Five Roses, who were dancing earlier paused and looked for the source of disruption.

The audience parted as if it was the red sea as Jinyoung, the student council president walks towards them.

See, Jinyoung has a perfect face, perfect grades, perfect hair, perfect uniform, probably perfect everything. Many girls and some boys has a crush on him, obviously. But the fact that he's strict, cold and savage dwindles the affection the student body has for him making him the not so desirable anymore.

"What the...this guy again...dammit." Ji Woo, one of the Five Roses said upon seeing the sour look on the President's face. "Why is he here again?!"

"I should be asking that. Why are you here? Don't you have class?"

Knowing better for themselves, the rest of the people dispersed and went back to their respective rooms. No one wants to anger Jinyoung. No one wants to be in his bad side because he's scary. Nobody could say what would happen if they did disobey him. There was no brave soul who dared.

Maybe Jung Hwan will dare, as he speaks. "C'mon man, leave us alone. We're practicing for the idol competition. Our school's name is at stake here." He was only rewarded with a scoff and an eye roll. Jinyoung finds idol competitions between schools funny. It was a well-known fact that he doesn't support it. At all. Especially if you disregard your studies in favor of it. His nonchalance about the matter slowly aggravates the five boys. "Our school's academic performance is at stake. Adding you bunch of idiots skipping classes will not help it." The leader of the group, Yeon So, feeling a little less happy with how things are going, strode towards Jinyoung. "Pres, we could care less. But since you took the effort to go here and nag us, we'll follow you. The next time you do it again though, I wouldn't care if you're the president."

Face to face. It was like a two wolves staring each other down ready to bite off the other. There was an air of crackling electricity between them, trying to win and make the other back down. "You think that would scare me Yeon So?"

"No. But that was a warning. Stay in your lane, teachers' pet."

The five boys walked away with a grudge, leaving an exhausted Jinyoung. Don't get him wrong, he understands the passion they have what they do. He thinks it's a wonderful thing: to be passionate about something. To do something that you love. He might be a little jealous of them for having something that he doesn't despite the fact that everyone thinks he's perfect. It also irks him that they sacrifice learning to do it. More so that their school's academic standing compared to other schools is pathetic. Add the humiliating downfall of their sports team.

Everything's not going right for their reputation. The only good win they have is the idol competition, which is not really saying much. It's Jinyoung's second term as president and his last year. The pressure he has on himself to exceed his performance from last year before he graduates lays heavy on his shoulders. Resulting to him being more uptight than he usually is.

"Thinking too hard there, aren't you?"

Turning to see who spoke, even though Jinyoung knows that voice very well. It was Jaebum. He's scratching his head while yawning, worsening his bed head. The president's eyes turned into slits. "Do I have to reprimand you as well?" His long time friend only shrugged, already used to the president's stern warnings. "It's our break, I took a nap." Jinyoung sighed. He already knows making the other follow him is a lost cause. It doesn't mean he'll stop though. "You weren't in class before the break."

Both walked out of the gymnasium to head back to the main building. "Mrs. Kim called me in her office. Apparently I'm the only senior who hasn't submitted college plans." Mentioning college made Jinyoung stop in his tracks. The big elephant in his life. Something that he avoids to think about these last few months. "I heard you submitted late as well. Who would've thought Mr. Perfect Jinyoung had doubts as well." Jaebum teased his friend. He had seen him struggle to finish the forms. Conflict clearly written on his face every night as he stared at the piece of paper that probably has his future. Hair disheveled when he pulls it out of frustration.

The man in question can't help but to huff out. Even after submitting his half-hearted plans, he couldn't help but still ask himself what he wants to do with his life. "Have you thought about it? College, I mean..." Jinyoung asked his companion. A light breeze flew by them as he waited the other to answer. "I know what I want to do. I've always known."

Music. Im Jaebum's first love. Of course. Why did Jinyoung ask anyway? He knows it well.

“What about you?”

 They both walked the side field, mulling about the future and what awaits them.

 “I don’t know. My parents want me to take Medicine, but Mrs. Kim said I’ll fit in well with a business course.”

 “Do whatever you want man, whatever would make you happy.”

 “Hmm…”

What would make him happy anyway? He doesn’t have an answer to that. He’s been asking himself for a long time but Jinyoung comes out with a blank space in his heart waiting to be filled by something he himself can’t answer what. Now with their graduation looming, entrance exams coming closer, Jinyoung felt like he’s out of time.

  “If you knew what you wanted, why submit late anyway?” He asked his friend condescendingly, his JB hunter mode on. “I lost the form.”

 And Jinyoung’s signature eye roll with a dash of an exasperated sigh came out as usual whenever Jaebeom does anything stupid. “I don’t even know what to say about that.” They both stopped walking, the president ready to rant again, his back facing the field where their prestigious basketball team were playing (prestigious my ass, they lost four consecutive games already). “You could have…” But Jaebeom wasn’t entirely listening, seeing the orange ball flying towards them. Specifically, at his friend.

 “Jinyoung!”

 Jaebeom held the other’s shoulder and pushed him aside. He shielded Jinyoung with his body, the ball hitting him directly on the back. He was almost hugging him, bracketing his smaller shoulders with his wider ones. "Ugh. What?" confusion was what Jinyoung felt. 'Why is he hugging me all of a sudden? If this is because I was being a bit sentimental… I'll hit you Jaebeom.'

 "Omo! Sorry! Sorry!'

 Jinyoung peered over his friend's shoulder and saw Jackson, one of the members of the basketball team. "Didn't mean to hit 'ya! Sorry." He was cringing and had his hands in pleading. Their president was almost hit with a ball. They might get suspended! "Next time, watch where you're throwing the ball." Jaebeom's reputation isn't that great to be honest. With his biting stares, long hair and seasonal peircings, he's known to be the school's bad boy. A man you shouldn't cross. Someone to avoid at all costs. It's also well known that even the great disciplinarian Park Jinyoung can't handle him. Now, Jackson who's receiving ill intent from the other, he didn't seem to mind and his apologetic smile just bounced off Jaebeom's scary aura. Jinyoung was quite amused.

 "It wasn't me though! Sung Hwan threw the ball. I was only asked to fetch it. I'm sorry in behalf of the team though. Jinyoung, we're sorry for almost hitting you." He then bowed politely to express his sincerity. Jaebeom was dumbfounded at the boy who did not seem to mind his usual scary air.

 When Jinyoung realized that Jaebeom was still holdong him protectively, 'Tsk, what a worrywart.', he released himself indignantly and smoothened his uniform. Seeing the other still bowing to him, he felt uncomfortable. "Hey, it's okay. It was an accident."

 Jackson immediately straightened up and beamed. "Thank you! Anyway, are any of you hurt? The ball's a bit hard."

 "No not really." Jaebeom answered nonchalantly. Trying to look like a cool senior. Again, the president rolled his eyes at him.

 "We're fine Jackson. How about you, how's the team going? Are you still benched?" The athlete rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. He laughed lightly, but his smile decreased. Way to go Jinyoung. You officially made him feel bad. "Yeah… But that's okay! I can now do my other hobbies other than sports so…" Jackson covered his embarrassment with a hearty laugh, waving off the dampening of the mood. "No but really, I'm totally okay with it Jinyoung. No need to worry." He gave his most convincing smile to Jinyoung as the other frowned. Jackson's a foreign student who transferred to their school because of his parents' business in the area. Before he went to East High, he's already a great athlete with a bright future ahead of him. From what Jinyoung heard, he had already collected a ton of medals and trophies.

 "Are you sure? I can talk to the coach. Seriously that Coach Jang has favoritism. Only letting Sung Hwan to shine."

 "No no no! Don't worry about it. It's okay. I prefer it this way."

 Jinyoung was not convinced but bit his tongue from saying anything further. He just nodded and it seemed to satisfy Jackson as well. But Jaebeom on the other hand looked like he didn't like the friendly way of speaking of the other. "Hey. You're a junior aren't ya? Pay some respect on your seniors."

 Jackson looked at Jaebeom curiously, a teasing smile already on his face. "I'm older than Jinyoing though." The long haired senior's eyes widened. He turned to his friend to confirm and Jinyoung was not reacting to it. "He is?"

 "Yes. You guys are the same age. And you both make it sound like I'm so much younger. It's just a few months "

 The laugh that resounded the area was cheerful. Jackson's mood lifted up again. He bid goodbye to the two after grabbing the ball and jogged back to the court. But Jaebeom was stuck in his position, floored by the surprise of the fact and most likely because the foreigner wasn't really all that faltered in his presence unlike other people "Why is he a junior though?"

 As the subjects from his old school were quite different from what they have, some were not credited. Thus making him repeat his junior year. Having no choice but to accept, since it was an urgent migrate. Jackson got into the team with his natural sporty abilities, even better than the current players they have. But unfortunately, Mr Jang doesn't care and only fluffs up his favorite, the captain ball Sung Hwan. Which was such a waste and irks Jinyoung to the core. They lost consecutive competitions already even if they have someone like Jackson, they never bothered to bring hin out anyway.

 "You seem to know him well."

"I toured him around campus on his first day."

 "Oh aren't ya such a good student president?" Ah, Jaebeom was joking around once again. A feat that most people don't see. "Apparently not, you won't cut your hair and remove that metal on your nose."

 As if he was wounded by his friend's ribbing, he put his hand on his chest feigning hurt. "Yah! You said long hair suits me."

 "My opinion outside school doesn't mean a thing inside. Cut that hair."

next//

[clericbyers]

okay but re: the coming out fic. they come back to hawkings for christmas and joyce somehow picks up mike checking out will and tries to play a matchmaker because of how oblivious both of them are about their crush on each other

[ sequel to this ]

Joyce watched Will try to contain his excitement during the long ride to Hawkins, but even if he tried to look bored and disinterested the entire time, she could easily see the anticipation and joy sparkling in his eyes that would never be hidden with a mopey expression. It was their first time back in Hawkins since the move and Will and El had spent the past week in the meantime on and off the phone with Mike in particular to discuss the activities they all would be participating in while the two returned.

Joyce turned to face her son again and reached out a hand to pat his thigh. Will jumped at the contact but then relaxed into it with a small smile sent her way. “Sorry,” he said off-handedly, “it’s just…it’s been a while.”

Joyce nodded in understanding. She missed Hawkins, too, in an abstract sort of way. It was always her home town too, and even though leaving was necessary after everything that happened, she was equally excited to return. Joyce looked up into the rear-view mirror and spotted El sleeping in the back curled up against Jonathan’s shoulder as he also slept as his head lolled side to side with the moving car. A warm smile draped onto Joyce’s lips at the sight, ever so happy that in Hopper’s absence El easily slipped in with the Byers family and found solace in both Jonathan and Will.

When Joyce pulled up into the Wheeler’s driveway, Will practically sprinted out the car toward a figure at the front steps of the house. Joyce sat back and watched as Will embraced the taller boy, both of them swaying as they held onto each other so tightly. She covered her smile with a hand even though no one could see it in the dark. Will still hadn’t bothered to tell Joyce much about his crush on Mike, but she could hear it in the way he talked about the other boy, in how he tensed up when El mentioned something about Mike even if they weren’t together anymore, in how his entire mood grew a little brighter after a call with Mike. It was cute—so adorable, how didn’t she notice before?—and Joyce was overjoyed that she knew who exactly made her son this happy.

Joyce reached back to squeeze Jonathan’s knee and wake him up. He was a little slow to wake but patted El’s hair and helped her out the car alongside him. It took El a moment to realize where they were but once she did, she was also running toward the front and quickly joined the hug that Mike and Will were still ensnared in. Jonathan stayed back with Joyce, leaning against the car after he closed his door shut and watched the kids.

When Nancy made her way outside to the ruckus happening on the porch, Jonathan was quick to leave Joyce’s side and make his over to his girlfriend. Watching everyone reunite made Joyce’s eyes water and she felt a twinge of regret with having moved Will and El away from their friends and loved ones. She made her way to the Wheelers and her kids and took Mike in a hug as well. He was much taller than he was before, at least 6 feet in height yet still as scrawny as before. Well, not as scrawny, he had picked up some muscle around his thighs and biceps which was curious. Joyce wondered if he was doing sports in high school after all.

“Hey, Ms. Byers,” he said happily during the hug. “It’s been a while.”

Joyce pulled away and reached up to pat his face. “You’ve grown up so much already. Your mom must be so proud.”

“All I did was get taller,” Mike laughed and glanced over at Will. The way his eyes lingered over Will’s figure caught Joyce’s attention. Mike looked back up into Will’s eyes and Will’s grin grew wider as he nudged Mike’s shoulder with his own. Mike tolled his eyes. “Also, I got on the track team. Don’t ask how, I still don’t know.”

Will tugged on Mike’s t-shirt sleeve. “You gotta show me your uniform.”

“It looks exactly the same as it did the entire time you lived here!”

“Yeah but it’s you wearing it and that makes it different.”

Mike smirked. “You just wanna see how tight my ass looks in those shorts, huh.”

“Mike!” Will screeched, shoving at his friend as Mike fell into giggles and tried to bat away Will’s hands.

Joyce stifled her own laughter as Will and Mike dissolved into friendly bickering with each other. She turned to El who was watching the two with something tinged with sorrow in her eyes. It left just as quickly when Nancy took her in a hug and soothed the younger girl.

The reunited team made their way inside the house, not wanting to disturb the neighborhood any further given the late hour. Mike was blabbing on about this film study elective he managed to snag for his sophomore year and Joyce’s eyes couldn’t leave Will. She really didn’t mean to, but now that she could watch Will and Mike interact knowing that Will was in love with Mike, she couldn’t look away. Will was always trying to stand a little closer to Mike, eyes darting to his lips every so often as Mike continued on. The tall track runner plopped onto the couch and Will sat down beside him close enough for their thighs to press together. The big kicker was the way Will’s eyes crinkled at the edges when Mike laughed, how a soft smile unknowingly crept onto his lips when Mike spread his gangly legs over Will’s lap and splayed himself over the couch like an octopus as he kept chattering about his politics class.

Joyce knew that the differences in Mike and Will’s interactions compared to a year ago was mostly found in missing each other so deeply. Being touchy was their way of reassuring themselves that the other was real, that it wasn’t a dream and they really were reunited. They were always a handsy duo anyway. She knew this and she understood this, but she couldn’t deny that Will had something more imbedded in every touch, every word, ever glance. Joyce tried to think back to before the move, to check if she was reading more into things just because she knew how her son felt about the other boy.

When Mike got up to get water glasses for everyone, Will caught eye contact with Joyce and she wiggled her eyebrows. Will blushed and tried to hide his reaction by turning to chat with Nancy during Mike’s absence. El joined in the conversation and Joyce didn’t have much to say so she leaned back and watched the three chat like they hadn’t been separated for months. Hearing a noise from behind her, Joyce turned and spotted Mike standing a little ways behind the couch with two glasses in his hand. His eyes were trained on Will, seemingly hazy as he watched Will laugh at a joke El told Nancy. A smile Joyce has always subconsciously dubbed Mike’s Will smile crept onto his lips and it was so sickeningly lovesick Joyce couldn’t believe she hadn’t realized it before.

Maybe she was blinded by the thought that Mike was, well, straight and had no interest in Will. Maybe she was like everyone else who hadn’t seen the unique bond built between Mike and Will after all these years. No one else had noticed how different they were with each other, not with well meaning intentions at least. Joyce knew about the bullies, her ex-husband was the biggest offender after all. She knew that what Mike and Will had scared other people, frightened kids into slinging petty insults, but she never looked deeper until now.

Mike snapped himself out of his stupor and noisily made his way back to the couch where he passed Will his water and ruffled his hair.

“Hey!” Will gruffed as he restraightened his hair. “You might be an athlete now and do bro-stuff like hair ruffling and noogies with your boys but I am not a fan of messed up hair.”

“I cannot believe you uttered that sentence in relation to me.” Mike takes offense and put a hand to his chest. “I am not an athlete and I do not do ‘bro-stuff’.”

“Alright star runner for the Hawkins High Track and Field Team.”

Mike made a face and Nancy spoke up. “Mike, you are the star of the team this year. There’s no shame in that. It’s amazing that you managed to catch up to the top athletes on the team given your inability to run more than 15 seconds at a time back in middle school.”

He shrugged. “It’s whatever.”

Nancy sighed. “It’s not whatever. I don’t know why you refuse to admit you’re good at something! You haven’t even brought up the screenwriting final in creative writing that you got an A+ on last semester.”

“Nancy, can we not have this conversation tonight? It’s, like, almost 2 am and I’m sure Will, El, and Ms. Byers want to rest.” Mike slid his cup across the table and stood up. He was more closed off, eyes dull with exhaustion and mental irritation. Joyce watched Will stand up as well and grab Mike’s arm with a questioning glance. Mike looked down at Will’s hand and then up into his eyes. “You wanna sleep over like old times?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s,” Will turned to Joyce with raised eyebrows. “Can I stay, Mom? I know you already got the motel room for tonight but…”

Joyce watched how Will’s hand started to gently rub Mike’s arm, how Mike started to relax from whatever tension has boiled up inside him from Nancy’s words. She couldn’t bare with separating them again. “You can stay. El can too, if she wants.”

El nodded happily. “I can sleep in the basement like before!”

Mike laughed and sent Will a smile that screamed thank you. Will returned the smile with a shy one of his own. Joyce knew she made the right decision then and there with letting Will stay over. She stood and gave Will a hug. “Tell him,” she whispered in the commotion of Mike and Nancy telling Jonathan goodnight.

Will sputtered. “Mom, no. No, I’m not gonna ruin things like that.”

“You won’t.”

Will shook his head with a pitiful smile and squeezed his mom a little tighter. “You don’t know that.”

Joyce didn’t bother saying more as Mike came over to give her a hug goodbye and promise that he’d take good care of Will and El in the meantime. Joyce trusted Mike, she always did, so she knew he meant well. She hoped that he’d speak up about how he felt for Will, if he even knew what he felt in the first place. Mike was usually head on strong when determined but if he had been liking Will for so long already and said nothing, he probably wouldn’t say anything tonight.

The drive to the motel was silent. Jonathan was staring out the window and Joyce wondered why he hadn’t stayed the night as well. At least to spend time with his girlfriend. She voiced her thoughts and Jonathan simply shook his head.

“I don’t want to interrupt the kids or leave you alone here.” The teenager sent Joyce a soft smile. “I don’t mind, really. Don’t worry about it.”

Joyce loved her kids so much, she wondered how she was so lucky to have two amazing sons and El in her life despite all the struggles the family has been through thanks to Lonnie, the Upside Down, and the labs.

The next day started with Joyce driving over to the Wheeler’s residence to have a small breakfast with Karen. She assumed Will and El would be hanging out with the Party most of the day given it was Christmas Eve. It would give Joyce ample time to talk with some of the parents and get the lowdown on activity since she left. When she arrived, Mike and Will were in the garage leaning on their bikes and whispering between themselves. Joyce’s eyes turned up toward the mistletoe sprig that hovered above between them. She wondered if Will or Mike even knew they were standing under it, but they both seemed oblivious to anything but each other.

Mike suddenly laughed loudly and leaned his head back, which caused him to spot the mistletoe above. Will was chuckling himself and didn’t notice the panic that flashed in Mike’s eyes as he realized what their positioning meant. Joyce couldn’t hear what they were saying but Mike motioned upwards while talking and Will looked up with widened eyes and a pink flush to his cheeks. Mike leaned down and pressed his lips to Will’s cheek in a chaste kiss so fast Joyce couldn’t tell if she imagined it or not. Will didn’t look like he was breathing and Mike was fiddling with his fingers before stepping away and grabbing his bike.

Joyce got out the car then and made her way to the boys. Will refused to make eye contact when he said hello and Mike was glancing between the two of them with raised eyebrows. “I’ll, uh, I’m gonna go get a hat for my head. Because it’s cold and snow is a thing.”

Mike was back inside in a blink, leaving a flustered Will along with Joyce. The kid huffed and rubbed against the back of his head. “Uh, what did you see?”

“Only the cheek kiss.” Joyce replied warmly. “Is there more?”

“No! No.” Will blushed more. “Nothing more. I just…I didn’t think he would actually…,” Will ghosted his fingers over where Mike had pressed his lips and blushed even more. “Oh my god, this is embarrassing.”

Joyce wanted to pull him into a hug. “It’s adorable, Will. He really cares about you.”

“It’s tradition! Mike would have kissed anyone who stood here. He wouldn’t have done it with me if he knew what you do.” Will deflated pretty quickly after those words. “He was telling me last night about this girl on the cheerleading team who used to tease us when we were younger and now wants to date him since he’s on track.”

“But is he dating her?”

“No.” Will shrugged. “But that doesn’t mean much of anything. He’s still interested.”

“Did he say that?”

Will paused. “Actually, no.” He waved a passing hand. “Doesn’t matter though, it’s not like I have a chance. I’ve accepted that.”

Joyce opened her mouth to tell Will to reconsider his options but Mike came bounding into the garage with a beanie on and a homemade scarf around his neck. His nose was pink from the cold but the smile in his eyes when he spotted Will was warm enough to melt snow.

“You don’t have a chance with who? You didn’t tell me you had your eyes on someone.”

Will gave his mom a look and she raised her hands in surrender. “I’ll leave you two boys to your fun. Is your mom up, Mike?”

“Sure is.” Mike nodded toward the door. “She’s in the kitchen right now if you wanna say hello.”

Joyce nodded her goodbye and lingered at the door where she heard Mike start pestering Will about who he liked and why Will hadn’t told him yet. She snorted to herself at the fact that Mike, who was so obviously head over heels for her son, also hadn’t told Will who he liked so really he had no business questioning Will. Will wouldn’t tell him even if it was so obvious that Mike liked him back.

Joyce sighed and shook her head at her son and his crush’s antics. She wasn’t really one for interfering but these two boys were so oblivious and would probably never actual fess up to their love for each other because of the mutual deeply rooted fear that they would lose their best friend if the confession was spoken aloud. Her heart ached for them both, how they each had to keep their affections secret from the world as the world was scared of two boys loving each other as deeply as Mike and Will did. She wished she could pull Mike aside and let him know but it wasn’t her secret to tell.

“Karen,” Joyce called as she waltzed toward the kitchen where the other woman stood scrambling eggs at the stove.

Karen turned and sent Joyce a happy smile. “Joyce! It’s so great to see you. Did the boys leave already?”

“They were on their way out when I arrived,” she replied warmly. “How have you been recently? We haven’t talked in a while, you and I.”

“Oh,” Karen made vague hand motions, “I’ve been okay.” Her eyes darted toward the stairs before turning back to the stove. “Things have been…a little tense though.”

“What happened?”

“Mike is in therapy,” she started lowly, almost as if it was a sin. “Ted wasn’t very happy about spending the money on the sessions or the…the pills,” Karen shuddered here, “but Mike really needed it.” She turned to Joyce with tears in her eyes, “I don’t know what happened to him. I feel like I don’t know him anymore. He’s so traumatized and I don’t know what I did. He won’t tell me a thing but I can hear him crying sometimes in the bathroom late at night.” Karen wiped at her eyes. “I just want him to be okay again but I don’t think that’s possible.”

“You did nothing wrong, Karen.” Joyce took the other woman’s hands in her own. “Mike is getting the help he needs and you are an amazing mom for supporting him this way. He’ll open up to you soon. He loves you. He’s just keeping you safe.”

Joyce wished she could tell Karen everything that she had learned in the past three years about the secrets of Hawkins. She wanted to let Karen know what exactly Mike was going through so she could support her son more, but again, it wasn’t her secret to tell.

“Oh,” Karen laughed to herself timidly, “also, Mike doesn’t know this, but Ted and I are thinking about a divorce.”

Joyce’s eyes widened almost comically. “A divorce?”

“Yes. It’s about time really.” She glances at her eggs with a soft smile. “I feel so trapped recently. Nancy helped me realize some things and Holly,” Karen looked back upstairs. “Holly deserves her dad but I can’t keep up this act any longer. Pretending that I’m okay with…with this.”

Karen motioned to the kitchen and then rubbed at her temple. “It’s still a discussion. I don’t know if I’ll go through with it. I don’t think Mike can handle a divorce right now.”

Joyce places a comforting hand on Karen’s shoulder. “Do what is best for you and your kids. I know you love them with all you have. You’ll make the best decision, I know you will.”

Karen sent Joyce a watery smile. “Thank you, Joyce.” She sniffled and then scooped the eggs out onto a plate that she offered to Joyce. “How are things at your new place? Do the kids like it there?”

Joyce took the plate and relayed her experiences out of Hawkins. Karen listened excitedly and asked questions here and there that entertained Joyce throughout the conversation. She missed this easy comradery with Karen, missed chatting with her while Mike and Will took their sweet time packing their bags for a sleepover at the Byers’ house.

“Oh,” Karen interrupted suddenly as she sipped from a coffee cup. “I’ve wanted to ask you something for a while but I could never get the words out.” Joyce nodded for her to continue. “How do you…how do you talk to your son in a way that lets him know it’s okay to be, well, to be different?”

“Different how?”

Karen stared into her cup. “Mike is…Mike is on the track team and I hadn’t really noticed at first but when he talks about, well, boys, it’s not…it’s not normal.”

“Normal?”

“I mean, no, it’s normal. It’s fine. I’m just…,” Karen sighed heavily. “I think Mike likes boys and I want to ask and let him know it’s okay without being overbearing.”

Joyce blinked and set her plate down carefully. She sat up a little more in her chair and turned to face Karen fully. “I know Mike hasn’t been very open with you, but let him know that you’re always going to love him and support whatever he does in life. Tell him that it’s okay to go against the grain. It’s okay to be himself.”

“Do you think he’ll ever trust me enough to tell me?”

Karen’s voice cracked on the word trust and Joyce wanted to pull her into a hug so bad. “He already does. He’s just scared he might hurt someone he loves if he opens up.”

The young mom smiled to herself. “I just want him to feels safe and happy.”

Joyce nodded in agreement. It’s why she had to move. No one was safe staying in Hawkins anymore.

The two chatted about nothing of much importance for another little while, up until the Party came crashing inside being loud and noisy but happily united. Joyce watched the troop of kids stomp their way through the house toward the living room. Mike was at the door with Will still, dusting off snowflakes from his hair with a grumble. Will was chatting with Lucas still as he stood and let Mike pick at him. Joyce turned to Karen, who was watching the two carefully before turning to lock eyes with Joyce. Joyce nodded once and Karen’s eyes lit up with joy and she turned back to watch her son. Joyce could see in her eyes how much she cared for Mike, she only wished Mike would tell her everything that happened in ‘83, ‘84, and ‘85, everything that was happening still as the Upside Down still existed.

Mike came into the kitchen to make some hot chocolate for everyone and gave his mom a passing kiss on the cheek when she greeted him. He put the kettle on and looked between the two women with a slightly narrowed gaze.

“You two haven’t been conspiring, have you?”

Karen laughed. “No, honey, just catching up on how you boys are doing. Are you feeling well? You’ve taken everything you need?”

Mike quickly glanced at Joyce and then turned back to the kettle. “Yeah, I’m good. Better than good. Really happy actually.” He laughed to himself. “Does Ms. Byers know about me?”

“The therapy,” started Joyce quietly. Mike tensed but nodded. “It’s okay, Mike. Will needed it, too, after his disappearance.”

The tall boy clenched his jaw. “I know. I just…I shouldn’t need it.” His posture slumped dramatically yet he still has his back turned to Joyce and Karen. “I didn’t go through as much.”

“You went through a lot, Mike. Don’t discount your experiences.” Joyce stood up to approach the boy and catch his eye contact. “We all want you to be happy and heal. We love you and support whatever you need.”

Mike’s eyes looked toward his mom. Karen smiled and stood up to join Joyce. “I love you, Mike, please never forget that.”

The teen huffed but gave the two women a watery smile. The kettle started whistling and he started pouring cups of chocolate and some milk and sugar into each one. He paused after the final cup and turned to his mom with tears brimming in his eyes. “Mom, I’m so sorry.”

Karen rushed to take him in her arms and cradled his head as he wrapped his arms around her tightly. Joyce smiles to herself and turned to spot Will in the entrance with worry in his eyes. He looked so pained seeing Mike as he was, lips parted as if to speak but unable to find the right words to say.

“Mike,” he whispered as he made his way into the kitchen. The boy turned at the sound of his name and gave Will a half-muttered hello. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.” He grabbed a cup and passed it over to Will. Their fingers brushed and Will purposefully let his hand linger a little longer atop Mike’s own. Mike flushed and avoided eye contact as best as possible. “I, uh, that’s for you.”

“Thank you.”

Mike looked up and Joyce turned to Karen with a hidden smile as the two boys shyly smiled at each other. They broke the gaze when Dustin called for them to get their asses back to the couch. Karen waited until the two were gossiping back with the rest of the party before she turned on Joyce.

“Mike and Will?” She sounded so joyous about it.

“Yeah, but I don’t think they know that they like each other.” Joyce sighed. “I hope they manage to realize it before we leave town.”

Karen nodded silently. “Hmm. We could help! Christmas is the perfect romantic holiday anyway.”

“You want to play matchmaker with our sons?”

“Why not? They both deserve to be with someone who makes them as happy as they do.”

It was worth a shot at least.

Joyce spent the rest of the day trying to get Will and Mike to either sit together or end up in a room alone. Karen has sprigs of mistletoe about the house and kept trying to “accidentally” catch the boys under them. The most she got was Dustin and El under the mistletoe in the hallway upstairs, which was adorable in it’s own right in a way. By the time the rest of the party departed, Karen and Joyce has practically given up on trying to get the two boys to notice what was happening between them.

“Maybe we should switch tactics,” started Karen as she sat on the couch while the boys were upstairs. “They are already so romantic with each other, I never noticed it until now.”

Joyce agreed. “I tried to get Will to tell Mike how he feels but he refuses to believe that Mike likes him back.”

A loud clatter drew the two women from their conversion and they both swiveled to face a gaping Mike Wheeler in the kitchen getting snacks for his sleepover with Will. The twinkling lights of the Christmas tree in the living room danced off his shocked face and colored his skin in rainbow shades of blush.

“Will likes me?”

Joyce panicked. “He, uh, he cares for you a lot! You’re his best friend, Mike.”

Mike shook his head and hands. “No, no, wait. You said—you said—,” the boy puts a hand to his head and raises his other hand for pause. “Oh my god, this has to be a cosmic joke. There’s no way possible Will likes me. I…I never imagined…”

“So, you do like Will?” Karen quietly questioned in the resounding silence. Another clatter from upstairs pulls in everyone’s attention and they spotted Will at the top of the stairs having dropped his notebooks that scattered down the staircase.

Mike was red in the face at this point and Will seemed frozen in place, unable to keep his eyes off Mike.

“Is she—is Karen right? Do you—,” Will’s voice was cracking at the edges, full of emotion that he had bottled up for years.

“I—yeah. Yeah, she’s right.” He took a few steps closer to the staircase. “I didn’t…I didn’t want to scare you off by telling you though. It’s pathetic kinda. How long it’s been.”

“10 years, right?”

Mike laughed. “Yeah. 10 years.”

Will ran down the stairs and practically launched himself into Mike’s arms. Mike wrapped his arms around his best friend’s waist and tucked his head into his shoulder as they held each other tightly. Joyce couldn’t hear them much—she didn’t want to eavesdrop and their mouths were muffled—but she could hear Will’s strained I love you so much murmured into Mike’s shirt. She felt tears prickling in the back of her eyes seeing her son so happy in the arms of the boy he loves so deeply, finally confessing and obtaining the happiness he deserved.

Karen was crying more openly, one hand to her mouth as her other hand wiped smudged eyeliner from her eyes. Joyce thought about how Karen was in a loveless marriage, how she stuck with it for her kids, and now, she got to see her son who loved someone he wasn’t supposed to love, who kept this secret to his chest for years always frightened if anyone knew, finally able to hold the person he loved most in his arms and know it was reciprocated.

Joyce took Karen’s hand in her own and squeezed it tightly as they shared comforting looks with each other. Turning back to the boys, Joyce rolled her eyes as she spotted them desperately kissing, mistletoe strung up between them at the base of the staircase.

“It worked,” Karen laughed with a sniffle as Mike and Will pulled from each other. The two boys couldn’t stop smiling, couldn’t stop holding each other, couldn’t stop basking in the love they shared.

Joyce’s heart was so full of love for these two boys, it nearly hurt. She smiled and agreed with Karen full heartedly. “It worked wonderfully.”

[ —> ]

[awkwardnessandbaseball]

IT’S HERE!!!!

So many thanks to: @cspupstravaganza, @sherlockianwhovian, @lassluna, and @kieravanrenvie.

AO3 if that’s your jam.

Today you get the prologue and the first chapter, so read away, my pretties!

I'd Pick You (and Your Little Dog, Too)

A Captain Swan Pupstravaganza Story

Summary: According to everyone in the known universe, Emma Swan's dog is supposed to lead her to her soulmate. But she's not even sure if she wants that. Soulmates are pretty idealistic, don't you think?

Prologue:

The pounding of Emma’s heart matched her footsteps as she ran through the woods on the edge of Storybrooke. She did her best to ignore the pain in her back that her bookbag was causing her, slamming against her tailbone. She forced all thoughts out of her head, pointedly ignoring the bruise clearly forming above her jeans..

She just ran.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket. She felt it faintly, but she ignored it. A nagging feeling in her belly threatened to stop her in her tracks: she hated to make her brother worry.

But he’d be better off without her.

David was the golden child, a straight-A student and a natural athlete. He’d been their parents’ pride and joy, while Emma had been a troublemaker and a disappointment. She’d done well as a child, her competitive nature causing her to pit herself against her twin brother in every conceivable way. They were equals in many ways, though Emma’s true strength was in literature while David had understood long division a full two years before she’d begun to grasp the concept. But somewhere along the way, she’d started losing their imaginary competitions. She suddenly had to try to ace all of her tests, while everything still seemed to come easily to David.

She’d been a sore loser.

So instead of trying and disappointing her parents - and herself - she’d given up. Stopped going to class and started hanging out with the stoners by the football field. She’d lost track of the days and weeks.

And then her parents had died.

It was a car accident, it could have happened to anyone. But while David flourished in his grief, planning the funeral and contacting family members and even arranging hotel stays, Emma had only fallen further down the hole she’d dug herself.

And then the funeral came. One week after the accident, Nolans and Swans, humans and canines, from near and far had descended upon their home and Emma had hidden in her room, while David remained the center of attention.

She ventured halfway down the stairs during the small gathering after the service when she heard someone talking to David. She sat, eavesdropping.

“Oh I just know your parents were so proud of you, David. Your mother told me just last week about how you were running for class president, right? I can’t imagine you’ll still run. Oh you are? Yes, it is what they would have wanted. Where’s your sister? Still skipping class every day? Your mother was very worried about her, you know.” Great Aunt Ingrid lowered her voice. “Is it true they were out looking for her when they got into the accident?”

It wasn’t. Emma heard David’s firm No from her spot on the stairs, but the damage had already been done.

She packed a bag, only the essentials, and ran out the back door.

She reached the docks and stood, staring out on the water, unsure of what to do next. Her stupid phone kept buzzing in her pocket and she finally ripped it out, staring at the screen.

32 New Text Messages 15 Missed Calls

8 Voice Messages

All from David.

Shit.

D: Emma, where did you go?

D: I heard you on the stairs when I was talking to Aunt Ingrid. D: Where’s your necklace from Mom? I saw it on the nightstand this morning.

D: Did you run away?

D: Emma, please answer me. D: Emma, I can’t do this alone.

The last one finally got her.

She sighed, upset with herself for getting so carried away, for being so selfish. She was so embarrassed now, with the adrenaline leaving her system, and so tired.

E: Let me know when everyone’s gone.

It took three hours before she finally got the text.

D: Come home, Emma. Please.

She’d expected David to yell at her, to tell her how much he’d worried and to blame her for causing him more stress.

He just hugged her, cradling the back of her head in his right hand.

It was the first time his armor had come down. The first time Emma had realized that maybe, just maybe, her brother wasn’t handling this as well as she’d suspected. She thought about all the planning he’d done for the funeral and realized, apparently too late, that he’d probably been trying to avoid thinking about what had happened; trying to avoid thinking about the fact that their parents were gone, and they weren’t coming back.

“You can’t leave me like that, Emma. It’s just you and me now.”

She nodded against his shoulder.

“Just you and me.”

-------------

Four Years Later

“You’re… you’re moving out?” Emma asked, hoping her brother wouldn’t notice the slight crack in her voice at the end of the question.

“Just down the street,” David assured her. “It’s just… Emma, it’s time. We’ve been together for a while, it’s the next logical step.”

Emma loved her brother, and she was so happy that he was in love, but she just really didn’t want things to change. They were barely eighteen, had just gotten their own place together (Granny’s Inn had been nice, if a bit cramped, and this was an actual adult apartment) a year ago, and now… it was already ending?

She sniffed once and nodded.

“Okay,” she said.

“Emma, we can talk about this. I know it’s a lot…” David tried to catch her eye but she looked away.

“Nothing to talk about. I’m sure you and Kathryn are meant to be.”

--

A week later, Emma was helping David move into his fancy new one-bedroom apartment with its in-unit laundry and brand new appliances. She didn’t want to help, didn’t want to move things along any more quickly than they were already moving. But David was still her brother, and she did want to spend as much time with him as possible.

So she was helping.

They were driving in David’s truck on their last trip of the day when a small brown and white pitbull suddenly ran into the middle of the road. David swerved and missed her, barely coming to a stop before hitting a tree.

“What the hell was that?” Emma checked herself for any injuries but she didn’t feel anything out of place. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” David answered, but he sounded far away, like he was only half listening. Emma turned towards him and found him staring directly at the pitbull, who was still standing directly in the middle of the street as though she hadn’t just been nearly run over by a pickup truck. The dog was staring right back at David.

And then she ran.

David scrambled out of the car to chase after her and Emma followed as soon as her brain caught up to what was going on: this was David’s dog.

Emma had long since given up on finding her own dog, and her brother claimed he had as well. They’d made it this far without them, and David had a perfectly fine love life, soulmate or otherwise, so what did it matter? But Emma knew, despite the fact that he’d stopped talking to her about it ages ago, that David still hoped for a dog one day. Was her brother a hopeless romantic or total sap? It depended on Emma’s mood.

Dogs appeared in your life as if they’d been there all along, and they essentially became a fifth limb, always attached to you, an extension of your arm. There were rumors that long ago, long before Emma was born, dogs were just pets like cats or lizards or birds, and that their lifespan was much shorter. There were some stories, even, about people who couldn’t own dogs because they’d developed an allergy, which had never even make sense to Emma, who happened to be allergic to cats.

At any rate, it was hard for Emma to believe that there had ever been a time when dogs weren’t commonplace, when you needed permission to bring them to restaurants or stores or coffee shops. Perhaps those were just stories that had been passed down for so long that they’d lost any element of the truth.

The fact of the matter was that humans depended on dogs so much, even back then, that evolution (or magic or fate or whatever explanation you chose to believe) took over. Emma had only known a life that included seeing dogs at every turn. Their lifespans matched their human’s, and they served a much more important purpose than other animals in the world.

Dogs appeared in someone’s life when it was time. There was no other explanation, and it wasn’t something easily researchable. So people just walked along, dog-less, until they finally came across a dog on a walk, or they appeared at the person’s door, or they just came together in some other way. Everyone’s story was different, but the end result was the same: the dog chose the human. There were no loose dogs running around, so if you came across one, it was meant to be yours.

Emma followed David as he chased the dog into the woods just beside the road. It wasn’t a long run, but it was confusing (all the trees looked the same) and sweaty (Maine in the middle of August will do that). But finally, David’s dog led them to… another dog.

The other dog was also a pitbull, but he was bigger than the female who’d led them here. He was all black, save for a small white stripe down the center of his chest.

He was beautiful.

He was also trapped.

He didn’t make any noise, clearly not wanting to draw any attention to the trouble he was in. His front left leg was stuck under a pile of rocks. It looked like maybe he’d been digging a hole and the rocks had fallen on him, but Emma couldn’t be sure.

“Emma,” David whispered, bringing her back to the situation at hand. “These dogs are… they have to be…”

“David, not now. He’s stuck. Help me get him loose.”

The two of them moved rock after rock until finally the dog’s limb was freed. But Emma could see it was too late. He tried to move it, but he couldn’t put any weight on the leg. He looked at Emma, and he finally let out one long, low whine.

“We’ve gotta get him to the vet,” Emma said, scooping him up in her arms. He was heavier than she’d anticipated, and the walk back out of the woods wasn’t easy, but they made it to the truck - all four of them - in one piece.

While there were certainly vets in town with more experience than Ruby Lucas, there was no one the Nolans trusted more than the Lucas women. Ruby’s grandmother had taken them in after their parents’ accident, allowing the twins to stay together in their hometown. Ruby was already grown up and out of the house by the time the Nolans had moved in at fourteen, but she’d still become a pseudo-sibling. She’d gotten David his first job, cleaning kennels at the clinic, and there was no doubt that she was the person they’d be taking their dogs to for the rest of their lives.

“It’s probably best to amputate. There’s not much we can do for it, and he’ll be much more comfortable without dragging it around.”

Emma was surprised at the pang she felt in her chest.

“He’ll um… he’ll be okay, though? After?” Emma asked, and David reached over and put a calming hand on her shoulder. The other dog sat at his feet, poised and beautiful. Ready for anything.

“Yes, Emma.” Ruby smiled gently. “Is he… he’s yours then?”

“I guess so,” Emma breathed. “I didn’t… I don’t… We just found them.” She motioned between both dogs.

“That’s how it goes,” Ruby said with a smile. Her own dog, Toto, lingered in the back of the room, calmly watching her owner care for Emma’s new charge. Emma watched Toto for a moment, wondering at the connection that must be present between canine and human, before her attention returned quickly to the dog in front of her, staring up at her meaningfully.

“Okay, then let’s do it.”

Emma brought Rascal home a week later. The missing limb didn’t seem to bother him, and he was absolutely incredible. He seemed to know her habits already, waking up with her (or jumping on her when she overslept, which was more often than not), waiting patiently for head scratches and treats instead of begging, and he even slept right on top of her freezing cold feet at night.

It helped having him around when she missed David, and Emma couldn’t help but wonder if the fates (or whoever controlled this whole dog thing) had put Rascal in her path right when she needed him most: right when she was about to be alone for the first time.

Of course, David’s dog was not a fan of Kathryn. He’d named the dog Princess, because of her graceful, even regal, way of entering a room, but the truth was that she was just as playful and messy as Rascal. And Kathryn kept a clean house, one that didn’t include dirty pawprints on the couch from playing outside.

It took a while for reality to set in. Kathryn had found a dog, too, and named him Dodger. And while Dodger was athletic and handsome like David believed himself to be, he was also either too dumb or too stubborn, refusing to listen to anyone but Kathryn. And even that was iffy. David and Kathryn tried to keep the romance alive, but soon they began fighting over small things, like David leaving dirty dishes in the sink or the proper way to hang the toilet paper roll. Princess didn’t seem to like Kathryn, which didn’t help matters, and Dodger was completely indifferent towards David.

Over time, the small fights evolved into larger ones, and they realized they simply weren’t happy together. It became obvious that soulmates were soulmates for a reason, and they just weren’t it.

In David’s absence, Emma had even ventured down the dark path of romance and come out the other side just a little more broken than she already was.

When it was all over and David was moved back in, he pulled Emma into a hug, and they promised each other again the same thing they had at fourteen.

“It’s just you and me, David.”

“Just you and me.”

A low whine and a short growl sounded by their feet.

Emma sighed.

“Okay, just all four of us, then. Sheesh.”