#say what you will about traditional art at least they won’t disappear one day due to storage issues

[seastarryclouds]

Procreate just deleted all my art

All my references, projects, and art from 2017 is gone

[stay-dazed]

stray kids react to: a horror movie

notes: female reader. i suppose there's slight angst due to scary movie scenes and fear reactions?

chan: you adore horror movies. you can think back on your childhood, the movies you watched with your parents every saturday, like a fun family tradition. and with chan in your life, you’re eager to share it with him. you had actually mentioned it in passing before, when you guys were still just friends, but it never came up again. so you decide to bring it up tonight (a saturday, of course), at chan’s dorm room.

after kicking off your shoes and getting settled on his uncomfortably firm bed, you ask him,” hey channie? i was just wondering, would you like to start watching scary movies with me every saturday? like how my family used to.”

chan stops midway through tossing aside his own shoes, his hands stiff under the influence of his wrist braces. he looks over his shoulder at you, his mind obviously working overtime to process what you asked him. “really?”

“of course, i’d love for you to! is that alright?”

“no, yeah, that’s fine!” he finishes tossing his shoes aside and runs his fingers through his curls,” just keep in mind baby, i’m not exactly good with scary stuff..”

oh.. you suppose that’s true. you’ve certainly seen the stray kids’ escape room videos enough times. but no matter!

“it’s okay, channie! we won’t watch anything intense, i promise.”

so you both get under the covers and chan pulls up his laptop. you both settle on the original friday the 13th movie. this was actually one of your dad’s favorites growing up, so you’re happy to see it again. chan.. well, he puts on a brave face. no screaming, no flinching, nothing. but inside, the practical effects are shaving off a couple years of his life. even though it is kinda fun.

“this is your version of not intense? well yeah, it is good.. just- let me hold your arm.”

minho: minho has never been one to scare easily. sure he might flinch if someone were to scream at him out of nowhere, but as a general rule nothing really scares or startles him. so of course he’s your partner in crime when it comes to getting your horror fix. strolling through cliche “haunted” corn mazes, attending all-day horror conventions, daring one another to buy weird and almost certainly cursed little tidbits from an antique store, you name it.

today though, it’s just a horror movie.

you find it on a streaming service, and while you’ve never heard of it before, judging by the description it seems like a pretty good psychological horror. of course minho immediately points out the cover art as stupid (and he may be right) but hey, at least it has a 4.3 star rating.

minho takes a moment to run to the kitchen and make some popcorn. once it’s all popped and poured into a large, stained bowl that’s been used for many a movie date, he makes sure to add his special ingredient: golden syrup. just something to give it some sweetness. others may find it to be a gross food combination, but after he introduced it to you, you wouldn’t have it any other way.

when he comes back to the living room, popcorn bowl in hand, he sees the cozy nest of blankets and pillows that you put together on the couch. his lips twitch into a tiny smile and he carefully places himself next to you in the nest, close enough that his thigh presses comfortingly against yours. snuggled against minho’s side, you press play on the movie, and the popcorn disappears within the first five minutes or so.

the movie’s pretty good, especially at the psychological aspect. but the few attempts at jumpscares are a little pathetic to say the least. minho gets a good scoff out of them. by the time the credits roll, you’re both discussing what you think the film was trying to portray to the audience. neither of you have the intention of leaving the nest anytime soon.

“no y/n, it’s obvious it’s about how the ignorance of tourism leads to the decline of culturally important areas. they just needed a weird little scarecrow to get the point across.”

changbin: changbin doesn’t mind watching scary things with you occasionally, but he’ll be screaming the entire time. he’s naturally a loud and excitable person anyway, but add elements of plagues or zombies and there’s a chance you’ll be getting another noise complaint from the lady in the apartment below you.

but it’s fun either way. so here you are tonight, watching the wailing with changbin, with plagues and zombies and all that good stuff.

you both had a good day today. you slept in for a good portion of the morning while changbin was at the studio before heading to the gym together later in the evening (all you really did were some stretches while you watched changbin do the harder workouts), went out to a good restaurant afterward, and came back to the dorm to watch a movie or two together. unfortunately for changbin, the first movie you pick just so happens to be one he finds terrifying. but you’ve never seen it before and you’re pretty curious.

you curl up against your boyfriend on the couch, nice and cozy with a warm drink in hand, but to your eardrums’ demise. at each minor jumpscare or suspenseful moment changbin screams as loud as his lungs allow him to, and eventually you end up having to move across the couch from him in order to protect your ears. the movie ends in a flurry of confusion as you understandably had a harder time than usual paying attention.

“what do you mean your ears are ringing? i wasn’t that bad! you’re the one who's being dramatic, jagiya.”

hyunjin: hyunjin is a fairly dramatic person, as you’ve always known, and a lot of his emotion comes out in artistic expression. therefore, you enjoy combining both of your passions by watching what are considered artistic horror movies. granted, those kinds of movies tend to be the most twisted ones of all, but at least it’s something you two can pause and talk about for a while together. you’ve searched around online recently to find an artistic horror movie you haven’t yet seen together, and eventually you found one.

so here you and hyunjin sit, comfy on your bed. hyunjin just got done with schedules and wanted to spend the rest of the night relaxing with you, watching some horribly messed up movie while snacking on candy he picked up from the convenience store on his way over. both of you have your gaze locked on the tv screen ahead as you lean against hyunjin’s chest, munching on the candies he puts to your lips now and again. his left hand remains less busy, resting on your waist and rubbing little comforting circles against the fabric of your pajama shirt with his thumb. by now he does this out of habit, not even realizing his thumb is moving.

luckily the movie doesn’t seem to have any jumpscares (your ears are spared from your boyfriend’s shrieks this time) but the increasingly unsettling, haunting vibes emanating from it are enough to have him watching through his fingers eventually, his arm no longer wrapped around you. the body horror doesn’t seem to help much.

you look up at hyunjin at one point, seeing his wide, shiny eyes watching the tv intently despite the obvious fear he has. you can’t help but giggle. not because you find his fear funny, but because he’s just so cute. you opt to wrap your arms around him instead, keeping your big baby safe in your embrace. he gratefully accepts and slides down in the bed a bit so he fits better against your chest.

unlike usual, you guys didn’t pause the movie during the entire two and a half hour runtime. but to be fair your arms were a bit full. once the credits begin to run, hyunjin quickly sits up in your arms and smooths his hair down, trying to appear put together.

"it wasn't even that bad. why are you laughing??"

jisung: one of the first things you and jisung bonded over was the fact both of you struggle with anxiety to some extent. the vulnerability you were able to share with each other was such a relief, and ultimately led to the relationship you two now share together. but despite the fact you and jisung get easily startled - jisung more so than you - you both are champs when it comes to all things horror.

jisung may jump into the stratosphere when he hears a balloon pop, but he talks excitedly every time you two watch a horror movie. the more gorey and psychologically damaging, the better. today, on jisung’s rare day off, it just makes sense to start a horror movie marathon at 10 in the morning. so here you two sit on your couch, deciding on which of the lined up movies to watch first.

ultimately, you two settle on the mist. it’s not a particularly intense horror movie, but it is one of your favorites as ‘creature feature’ is your favorite subgenre of horror. you can fondly think back on your childhood, watching the movie first with your mother. eventually it became your comfort movie, playing it in the background while doing things around the house. jisung hasn’t seen it before, at least not that he can remember, so he looks forward to seeing what about the movie you enjoy so much.

in fact, he’s so excited he talks throughout the movie, pointing out the little things he notices or things he finds the most fun. you don’t mind it, of course. you add to the conversation, smiling at jisung in entertainment. when you think about it, it really is entertaining that the man who will throw himself to the floor at the sound of a balloon popping can watch a man get chomped on by a pterobuzzard so easily. you chuckle, and can’t help but lean over and plant a kiss on jisung’s cheek.

"wh- what was that for? i'm cute? but i didn't even do anything?"

felix: you’ve always indulged in your horror fixes on your own time, just because it was more fun and convenient that way. and, on top of that, anything horror related isn’t exactly your boyfriend’s strong suit. but maybe tonight will be different!

you’re scrolling on your streaming service, looking for anything you haven’t seen at least 5 times already, when you come across the perfect one in the new releases. it’s one you haven’t seen since you were in your teens, when you and your siblings enjoyed watching it together and poking fun at the characters. it’s nothing too scary, honestly. so you call felix from his room to the living room.

he waddles up to you, his large pajama shirt bunched up slightly at his waist and his house slippers squeaking on the floor and his hair sticking up at odd ends. you smile at him, your heart warm looking at your adorable boyfriend.

“hi baby. were you napping?”

“mm-mm.”

“okay. would you like to watch a movie with me then?”

“ooh, okay!” he hurries to your side, snuggling up next to you and pulling the couch blanket over both of your laps. “what movie are we watching?”

“it’s called the strangers.”

one look at the movie’s cover art, at the three masked figures, and felix feels his body tense a bit. you quickly hop in,” it’s okay lixie! it’s really more of a thriller or suspense movie than a horror one.”

he nods slowly,“ okay..”

45 minutes in and felix is peeking from behind a couch pillow, jumping at the smallest sounds or view of the strangers. occasionally, he also lets out little surprised squeaks. he presses even closer against your side, threatening to crawl right on top of you.

you pout at the sight. your poor baby. you wrap your arms securely around his small frame, letting him ditch the pillow and hide his face in your neck. it tickles but it’s okay.

“hey sunshine, would you like to watch something else?” you feel him nod against your neck.

"can we watch pponyo..?" pponyo it is.

after a little while, felix settles back down, his shoulders slowly loosening after being so tense. although he still refuses to let go of you.

"it's okay, baby, i know you didn't mean to scare me. you might have to go to the bathroom with me tonight though."

seungmin: you love when horror movies affect you, particularly in a psychological sense. when horror movies make your heart speed up in your chest, and you need to hyperfocus on every potential detail or threat. but most of all, you love when horror movies are just absolutely out-of-this-world stupid; bonus points if they were produced in the 50’s-80’s.

so that’s what you and seungmin watch together most of all; old b-grade horror movies that the two of you can laugh at and make fun of together. last week it was the blob, and this week it’s killer klowns from outer space.

you lean your back against the arm of the couch and lay your legs across seungmin’s lap, where he absentmindedly pats or rubs them with his red-stained fingertips, sometimes giving your feet a tickle to bother you. seungmin’s shiny eyes are focused on the tv screen, an empty hot cheetos bag set beside him.

seungmin is the first to poke fun at the clown that captures people by distracting them with shadow puppets. “imagine being over the age of 6 and being lured in by shadow puppetry.”

you respond,” to be fair, if i saw someone make a hyper-realistic dinosaur shadow with their hands, i’d also be pretty impressed.”

“and that’s why you’d die first in the alien clown apocalypse.”

you give him an unamused glance, to which he just smiles back, in all his puppy-like charm. you roll your eyes and turn back to the tv screen, but can’t quite help the little smile from creeping up on your face as well.

“you’re an idiot, kim seungmin.”

the jokes and taunting continue throughout the duration of the movie. mostly towards the painfully 80’s characters, but occasionally towards one another. you really hadn’t planned on getting into such a debate about who would survive in the unlikely scenario that clowns from another planet would come to earth and start cotton candy-ifying the human race.

“obviously i’d just eat through the cotton candy like a sane person. look if you meet your demise to fluffy sugar, that’s between you and god.”

jeongin: if there’s one thing about your boyfriend, it’s that he doesn’t get scared or grossed-out easily. unlike you, who loves horror movies with a bit of gore in them just as much as the next person, but you can’t help cringing at it every single time. sometimes, depending on which part of the body is being injured, you have to just hide your face completely.

like right now, as you hide your face in jeongin’s shoulder, listening to the sounds of the train stewardess get her throat chomped on by a zombie.

jeongin just wanted to relax after a strenuous schedule today, surrounded by the comfort that you bring. you were happy to oblige, and you were excited to see which horror movie he’d pick out this time (you picked last time). and for the second time within the past month or so, he chose train to busan.

you love the movie, of course, but the first couple rampage scenes can be a bit much for you. so you snuggle even closer to jeongin, almost as if you were attempting to crawl into his skin for safety.

he can’t help but chuckle at you, which you can feel rumble through his arm. it’s just because you’re acting all cute. and it’s a little bit funny.

“it’s over. you can look now, babe.” he says, nudging you with the arm that you’re holding onto to get your attention.

you peek back out and continue watching the chaos unfold on the screen, as if nothing happened. with your head still on jeongin’s shoulder, you find yourself surrounded by his comforting aura as well, the smell of the body wash you bought for him a nice familiarity. the movie continues without much eventfulness. jisung walks into the kitchen very loudly at one point, and jeongin has to use the bathroom midway through.

but now, it’s reached the end of the movie. and if there’s one thing about your boyfriend… it’s that he’s not a man afraid to cry.

so here you both sit, wrapped up in each other’s arms under a blanket on the couch, crying as the end scenes play.

“god this movie sucks.” you sniffle.

“i know. it’s great, isn’t it?”

[mirkwoodshewolf]

I just wanted to make you smile again; 10th Doctor x child reader

*Author’s note*

Okay to the anon who requested this fic THANK YOU FOR BEING SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PATIENT WITH ME!!!! To those anons and users who have sent me requests literally since last year I thank you all for your patience, I AM GETTING THEM DONE SLOWLY BUT SURELY. I’m already in process of doing another DW fic w/13th doctor (one of the first requests I got when I opened them last year) so I hope you all enjoy this fic.

This takes place after the episode Journey’s end so to those that haven’t seen the episode yet SPOILERS AHEAD!!! Angst and fluff is what this fic is. Enjoy my lovelies and until next time ;)

Taglist:

@plethora-of-things​

@waddles03​

@psychosupernatural​

@ixchel-9275​

@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels​

@platawnic​

_________________________________________________________

Things have been—tough. The Daleks, one of my daddy’s biggest enemies nearly had us and almost succeeded in destroying all of life and matter as we know it.  But thanks to some fast thinking and with the help of a clone of my dad, we managed to stop Davros as well as the rest of the Daleks.

But honestly that was the easy part.  The hardest was saying goodbye to all of our friends.  Rose and her mum went back to the parallel world with the meta-human clone of my daddy, Captain Jack took Martha and Mickey off on another adventure, Sarah Jane (an old friend of my dad’s long before I was born) went back home, and Donna—oh poor, poor Donna.

Daddy said that in order to help stop the Daleks, Donna, who had touched the severed hand of my dad when he first became this new version of himself, gained so much knowledge of the Timelords and of our home that it could overwhelm her brain and eventually kill her.  So my dad had to absorb all memory of Timelord knowledge, including all the times she spent with us.

After taking her back home, daddy told her father that it was too dangerous for her to remember anything.  If there was a glimpse of her recovering her memories, she would die.  So my dad and I left her and her family and he never went back.

Since that day, almost seven months later, he still carries that guilt.  And what’s worse is that he hasn’t been the same. He doesn’t smile as much as he used to before.  I think out of everything that I love about my daddy, it’s his smile that always made me feel happy and safe.

I stepped out of my room to see him where he usually was, standing at the controls with that dazed but intense look on his face.  I looked down at paper butterfly and cautiously walked towards my dad. It’s always a touch and go of how he’ll react whenever he’s in that deep haze.  One time he actually shouted at me and I was scared to even go near him for an entire week till he apologized to me with some Turkish delights.

“Daddy.” I said softly. “Umm…uhh daddy?” he snapped out of his daze and looked down at me.

“Oh (Y/n). Sorry I was just—I was just trying to find….nothing. What is it that you wanted to tell me?”

“Well I—finished my paper butterfly and I-wanted to give it to you.” I held it out to him and he looked down at me.  He knelt down and took the butterfly from my hands and I saw his eyes grow soft.

“It’s beautiful love. Thank you.” he gently ruffled my hair and placed my butterfly right along the controls.  It didn’t work.

I had hoped that my paper butterfly would get him to smile.  He always smiled whenever I made him little trinkets of my own design, or beautiful art projects that I’ve seen on Earth.  I thought that by doing an art project, he’d smile again but it didn’t work.

I was currently in my room reading some books written back in the 20th century.  I’ve always found that time period to be rather splendid.  It was a simpler time (if you don’t count the 2 World wars, the Great depression, and every war after that. You know why must humans always start wars?)

Anyways, the start of the 20th century is always my favorite place.  It’s quiet, tranquil, and peaceful.  A nice place, especially out in the countryside. People can have picnics, host carnivals, and yeah the grown men partake in Foxhunt but I think it’s a barbaric sport and yet they call it tradition.

Maybe if—maybe if we stayed there for a while, daddy could get better and smile once again.  I think the more time we stay in the TARDIS and just keep going through space and time, the more unhappy daddy’s gonna get, like I said he always gets lost in his head and the more bad things that happen around him, the more he keeps it bottled up inside and the more sadder he gets.

The only question now was this—how was I gonna get there? I don’t know how to drive the TARDIS cause daddy always told me to keep my grabby little paws off of it. Oh wait that’s it! I raced over to my drawer and pulled out the middle one and dug through it till I found what I was looking for.

A special teleportation watch gifted to me by Uncle Jack when my dad was in his previous form (just shortly after we first met him).  I placed the watch on my wrist and I set the time and date that I wanted to go to.  Once the coordinates were typed in, I pressed the center of the watch and I disappeared from my room and went to go set up my surprise for daddy.

*10th Doctor’s POV*

I was fiddling around with the controls when I turned and looked up at my daughter’s butterfly.  For months now she’s been making these little trinkets and art projects for me, and I really haven’t been fair to her.  A lot has happened to us, especially with what happened to Donna, and I hate to admit this to myself but I’ve been neglecting my little butterfly.

Maybe she would like it if I took her to see her favorite constellation, or maybe Barcelona (she always did like Barcelona).  Oh! No wait! The Music of the Spheres! Yes brilliant! She and I could use some music in our life, the sound of the universe singing to us.

“Hey (Y/n)! Can you come out here for a second?” I called out to her.  No response.  Okay I know it usually takes her a bit of time to come down from her room but usually she’d be right here by now. “(Y/n)? (Y/n) I said can you come here please?” bah she must be listening to that loud music again, that lass I tell you what.

I left the console room and headed on over to her room and saw that her door was shut which was surprising cause she usually keeps her door open.  I knocked on it and said.

“Poppet, are you okay? You’re not—upset or anything are you?” I still didn’t hear anything from her.  “Look I—I know we’ve been through a lot the past several months, and I have no excuse for not speaking to you. I’m sorry. So—can you please open the door so we can talk?” still nothing.

Alright I know she has a right to be upset but she can’t give me the silent treatment forever.  I opened up the door and snapped.

“Alright little madam you listen here I—” it was then I saw that she wasn’t in her room. “(Y/n)?” I looked around her room to see if she was hiding in her closet again (she always takes every advantage to jump out and scare me) but when I saw that she wasn’t there, that’s when I began to get worried.

As I left her room and began to look all around the TARDIS from the backroom pool, to the library I still couldn’t find her.

“C’mon poppet don’t do this to me.” I searched high and low, near and far and every crack in between but she still wasn’t around. “No, no, no, no, no love don’t do this to me! (Y/n)!”

I raced back towards the console and went over to the computer monitor and I quickly typed in her lifeform energy.  Since she was the only Timelord in existence (well next to me), I knew that she could be pinpoint at any time in any era she might be in.  I only hope that I can get to her before—no! NO DON’T THINK LIKE THAT!! You WON’T lose her like you lost Donna!

“C’mon you blasted thing LOAD!!!” I screamed at the computer before finally I got a hit.  London, England 1908.  Of course, she always said the start of the 20th century was her favorite time period.  I punched in the coordinates and flipped the switch and soon the TARDIS started back up and I was sailing back in time over 100 years into the past.

Once I arrived, I peeked out of the TARDIS and found myself adjacent to a large park. It was pretty peaceful, families were out and about doing their normal human interactions.  I shut the doors to the TARDIS and I quickly raced over to the park and searched for (Y/n).

This was where her last known readings were at.  At this exact spot so where could that little troublemaker be at?  I walked up to a couple and said.

“Hi sorry to bother you but I was wondering if you have found a little girl around 5 years old with (h/l) (h/c) hair and (e/c) eyes? She’s my daughter and she’s wondered off again.”

“No sorry. We haven’t seen any little girls fitting that description.” Said the man as he and his wife continued on their walk.  I then found another couple who seemed a more upper-class couple due to the diamond necklace around the woman’s neck.

“Excuse me could you both please help me I’m looking for my daughter have either of you……”

“We don’t have time to look for lost children, that’s what the servants are for.” Said the man.

“And who loses their child anyway? Such irresponsibility.” The woman snide.  I looked at them offendedly and said.

“At least I don’t dump my child on anyone else! I’m surprised that people like you could even have children.” They looked at me appalled before huffing and walking away from me.  

I grunted and adjusted my jacket trying to compose myself when a small Cockney accent said.

“You said you were looking for (Y/n)?” I turned around and there was a young ginger haired boy with freckles speckled all over his face.  His bright blue eyes staring up at me and he wore a paper boy’s uniform.

“Yeah that’s my daughter’s name. Do you know where she is?”

“Course I do Gov. Just got done talking with her before I started my work sir. She’s right by the lake.”

“The Lake! Oh thank you lad. Thank you so much.”

“No problem, good luck governor.” I raced off towards the lake and when I got there, I soon saw my daughter sitting right by the lake surrounded by flowers and in her lap it looked like she was in the process of making a flower crown.

The important thing was that she was safe, but that little missy is sooo going to get it now.

I trudged my way towards her and exclaimed.

“(Y/n)!” she stopped her work and turned around.  Her big (e/c) eyes staring up at me and a smile spread across her face. She stood up and ran towards me and hugged around my legs.

“Daddy you came!”

“Yes I did.” I knelt down and began to check to see if she was hurt or worst case scenario been replaced by a Graske. “Are you hurt?”

“No I’m perfectly fine.”

“Answer me this then. Who was the first companion that we had together?”

“Rose Tyler.” Okay this was my baby girl.  I immediately hugged her and whispered to her as I rest my head on top of hers.

“I thought I had lost you.” I then separated from her before scolding her vert sternly, “Do you have any idea how worried I was!? You leave your room with no note! How on earth did you leave the TARDIS without my knowledge?!”

“Uncle Jack’s time jump watch.” She said nervously as she held out her wrist.  I looked down and right there was the time teleport watch that Jack had given her shortly after we met him for the first time in my previous state.

“That figures. Remind me to never let him give you anymore teleportation gifts without my permission.” I muttered to myself. “Bottom line is that you left the TARDIS without my permission and had me scared to death! What if something happened to you hmm? Did it ever cross your mind about how that would make me feel!?”

Yes I know my voice was steadily getting angrier and angrier but she should’ve realized that my one rule for her is to never, ever, ever leave the TARDIS without my permission or knowledge and she broke that rule.

“I—I’m sorry daddy. I just……thought that if I brought you here, you would be happy.” My anger quickly vanished and confusion now took its place.

“What?” I asked her.

“Ever since—” she deeply sighed. “After what happened with Donna you never smile anymore. No matter what I’ve done, I could never get you to smile. Your real smile, the smile that always made me feel loved and protected. I thought that maybe we could—stay here for a while till you were happy again.” She looked down with regret.

I rubbed my hand over my face and through my hair before looking back down at her. I cupped my hands over her face and I said to her.

“What would I ever do without you my little butterfly?” she smiled softly.

“So we can stay?” she asked.

“For now.” I answered her.  She squealed happily and immediately hugged me around my neck repeatedly telling me thank you.  I smiled and embraced my baby girl back and kissed the top of her head as I rocked her back and forth.

This little madam truly does have me wrapped around her little finger, and she seems to know it as well.  But she was right.  Staying in one area made you stop and admire what’s around you, and not stay trapped inside your head letting your demons torment you.

We stayed in 1908 for about five months just enjoying each other’s company.  Going to the park every day, having picnics and tea parties out in the garden of our rented little cottage, and stargazing every night teaching her more about the galaxy and the stars.  

For the first time ever, I felt—peaceful, no regrets, no painful reminders of what I had to do to Donna, it was just me and my daughter.

[mollyollypuddingpolly]

Home For Christmas

Anne and Gilbert

A/N : I began writing this way before Christmas, I don't know why a was in a Christmas-y mood this summer but anyways I thought it turned out good enough to post.

---

He'd told her he'd only be home two days before Christmas. He told her it was the only ticket he could get because he had been so busy studying for finals that he forgot. She was disappointed, but didn't let that show in her letters. The last few times she has seen him where in two day intervals when she ventured up to Toronto on a free weekend, so she had hoped for much longer. Of course the break continued after Christmas, but his classes resumed early, so they couldn't even ring in the new year together.

Anne decided she'd make the most of her time before he arrived, spending it with Marilla and Mathew so when he did come she could spend more with him without feeling guilty of neglecting her family through the holidays. Of course, they'd share Christmas dinner together. A tradition since Bash joined Gilbert at the Blythe farm.

Anne and the other girls stepped on to the snow dusted platform and pulled their coats tighter across themselves as the warmth from the train gave way to the chilly December air.

Anne smiled, remembering her first time standing on the platform. She glance at the small bench where she once sat, eagerly awaiting what would become her home. As the train cleared the station, She spotted the cherry tree now not white with bloom but with snow. Still beautiful and breathtaking. Pure white amongst many evergreens. Still a bride, she thought and a warmth filled her cheeks when her brain reminded her, you'll be a bride someday after all Anne. And what an adventure that will be. She shook her head to clear away the thought, still plenty of time before that of course.

"Anne!" Diana's voice pulled her from her thoughts, she turned toward the sound and noticed Diana had already approached her parents who had offered to bring Anne home too. She quickly made up the distance, allowed Diana's father to take her bag and climbed into the carriage.

"What ever had you so preoccupied?" Diana asked with an raised brow. Anne smiled sheepishly.

"I was just remembering the first time I got off at this platform. When Mathew picked me up and didn't have the heart to tell me they'd sent for a boy," Diana smiled and took Anne's gloved hand.

"And I am forever grateful to him for doing so," She said. Anne hummed with a smile, "Just think, if you'd been sent back not only would you and I never have met, but I'd be in Paris being 'finished'," she said saying the last word with such distaste she she received a sour look from her mother next to her. Anne only smiled, she could only imagine where she'd be if the Cuthberts hadn't kept her, and her imagination could come up with some horrifying possible alternatives.

To keep her mind off that she looked at the passing scenery. Snow had fallen the night before, just enough to give the fields a soft cover but not cause difficulty along the roads. She inhaled the cold air and exhaled watching her foggy breath disappear into the winds. She gazed at the lake of shinning waters, it's beauty enhanced by it's now glistening frozen surface. And she held her breath when the crossed the bridge, as she always did because her imagination didn't often like to let her think crossing one wouldn't end in tradgedy.

The carriage slowed as it approached the gate of Green Gables. Anne's heart jumped at the sight of her home. She hadn't been to visit recently due to spending her free time preparing for finals, but now she was home. And there was nothing that could make her happier.

Or almost nothing.

Anne walked towards the front door, which flew open before she reached it. Mathew stood, arms outstretched, which she willingly jumped into. Dropping her bag onto the wooden deck. He squeezed her tight and she breathed in the warm smell of a wood fire on him. Then he picked up her bag and led her inside.

"Marilla!" Anne said, walking into the kitchen. Marilla stood inspecting a tea cup. Which she quickly set down at the sound of her name. She turned to her Anne and beamed before pulling her in as well.

"Oh how we've missed you!" She said, then more sternly, " I trust that you did well in your exams."

Marilla leaned back, her hands still resting on Anne's shoulders.

"I believe I did, we get our results when we return," She said. Marilla nodded asking about Diana and the other girls before Mathew spoke up once more.

"Well we best get you set up in your room, I can carry up your bag," he offered, halfway to the steps.

"Nonsense," Marilla said quickly with a sharp look at Mathew, "Anne can carry her bag up herself," Mathew nodded suddenly.

"Right, here you are then," He said passing her the bag. Anne looked at the two quizzically.

"Okay… just let me take my jacket and scarf off first," she said, setting the bag down again. The two nodded, smiles plastered on there face. Anne looked at them with narrow eyes before turning back out into the hall.

She took the steps slowly, taking in the comfort of being back home. She remebered again her first day at Green Gables, she was too upset then to enjoy her walk down the simple hallway, but now this was a place filled with memories. Like the time she and Diana had raced up the steps giggling about bosoms before getting in terrible trouble that almost forced them to stop being friends. When Ruby Gilis had to stay with the Cuthberts after her house burnt down. And Anne finally made a second friend. When she realized she did love Gilbert and raced down the steps and to his house, but then thought she was too late. Caught up in her thoughts, she almost didn't notice that her bedroom door was slightly open.

Almost.

She shrugged, Marilla probably left it open after dusting. She pushed open the door, excited to see her simple, cozy room after the long train ride. But when the door pushed back her heart leapt with joy, and it wasn't over her small, comfortable bed.

"GILBERT BLYTHE, YOU DEVIL!" She hollared, tossing her bag and running into his arms with a grin. He grinned back and laughed as he squeezed her tightly.

Anne wouldn't know it, but down stairs Mathew and Marilla were giving each other a knowing smile.

She leaned back before diving back in, this time their lips met, his arms twist up her back, her finding solace in his hair. A chill went up her back every time they kissed and her face turned warm. She couldn't help but smile into the kiss as did he, she pulled back unable to contain her laughter, instead resting her forehead on his.

"What are you doing here? You said you couldn't get in untill the 23rd!" She said, her arms at rest on his shoulders. He adjusted his around her waist with a cheeky smile.

"I actually got back yesterday, but I wanted to suprise you. So when you told me that you wouldn't be home untill today…" he left it off letting her fill in the rest. She pulled back, lips pierced, intending to give him a sour look, which gave way to a smile.

"You sneak! And Marilla and Mathew where in on it?" She leaned back, still in disbelief, how did you convince Marilla to let you up here she thought but didn't ask. He smiled.

"They were, and so was Diana. I had to make sure you wouldn't get some funny idea of coming up to Toronto to suprise me," he said, she sucked in a breath at the thought, she wouldn't put it past fate to cause that kind of chaos.

Anne lead Gilbert downstairs, where tea and family was waiting for them.

"Bash!" Anne shouted, dropping Gilbert's hand to give the man a hug, he accepted squeezing her back tightly.

"Anne! Ah it's so good to see you! Gilbert's been here only one day and he's already talked my ear off over how much he missed you," he said as he let her go, she turned to Gilbert, smug, who suddenly seemed interested in a spot on the ground.

Anne greeted Delphine she's so big! Then everyone sat down for tea and scones.

Anne laughed when Delphine bit into a scone, smearing jam all over her face. She leaned forward and helped the small girl by whiping the corners of her mouth. Marilla was having what started out as a friendly conversation about Gilbert's studies turned into a long, explaination of all he'd learned so far, Anne commented when she could, and made a mental note to check out some medical books from Queen's when she returned so she could keep up.

It warmed her heart to see him so passionate about becoming a doctor. She remembered briefly a time when he almost gave that up, thinking the task too much for him bare. She didn't know if it was her words that day or his own self reflection that brought back his desire to purse medicine, perhaps some combination of both.

After tea, the two went for a walk through the forest. The path that she took to school untouched since the snowfall, their foot steps were the first.

"Diana isn't sure yet if she'll be aloud to continue to Redmond, but I really am excited about the idea," Anne explained, she knew he'd heard it all in her letters but something about him being here made it feel more real. " Of course, I can only go if I get the Avery Award, but everyone says I have a shot at it. Oh! And Cole has applied to an art school in Nova Scotia too! So at least I'll have one friend,"

Gilbert smiled, rubbing his thumb in circles on her hand as he held it.

"There's not a doubt in my mind that you won't win it, Anne," He said turning to look at her, she peered into his eyes. Eyes she could get lost in and had many times before, even before realizing what that meant.

"I hope so," She said, still unsure. But she wouldn't know until end of spring, so no point in worrying.

Gilbert seemed to think the same thing, taking hand he turned her around, spinning her slightly so they stood face to face, she laughed as he did it.

" I was just thinking about when we first danced together, and how we haven't had the chance to do that again,"

"Well," she said with a smile, "There isn't any music, but I do believe my imagination is more than strong enough to make up for that," she said holding out her hand and he took it, guiding her in a waltz as he hummed along to a tune he'd heard once before.

They stepped back and forth, through the clearing in the woods, as snow began to gently fall down on them. Anne looked up at Gilbert with such happiness and piece in her mind that nothing could have ruined this moment.

Nothing.

Stepping into the middle Gilbert spun Anne once more, but it was hard to tell with all the snow how safe the ground was, and catching a bit of ice, Anne slipped, falling down and taking Gilbert with her.

"I'm so sorry, are you alright?" He turned to her urgently worried she'd hurt herself. But she was staring up at the sky with a smile, and when she turned to him she began to laugh, which he returned as well. They laid there, laughing for far longer than anyone in there right mind would lay in the snow. Then Gilbert laced his hand in hers and began to help her up.

"Merry Christmas, Anne," he said once they both were on two feet again.

"Merry Christmas," she replied, giving him a kiss.

"

[ranmanjuu]

Can i request an ikesen hc, how would warlords react to a mc which is a physics major like sasuke and since they are both nerdy they spend a lot of time together and talk a lot about theories and all that science stuff. I think they'll get a bit jealous that mc is spending time with sasuke and confused as to ehat they're talking about lol

as stated before i have absolutely no idea of how physics is, much less of being a physics major. so like,,,,,,, all theories are ambiguous. they don’t exist other than that word. what are they talking about? the one who asked knows not more than the asker.

—shingen:

the first time of him seeing you talk with both such seriousness yet a twinkle lights in your eye, he can’t help but a chuckle let through.

“so, has sasuke finally found someone for himself?”

at first he plays up a bit of, “us mortals cannot understand what you’re speaking, my beloved deity, for you speak the language of the gods!” (”but sasuke can understand them though—”)

would absolutely, and constantly tease you for anything and everything. you could be talking about the inner workings of geophysics with sasuke and you’d hear the faint sound of wiggling eyebrows and metaphorical saxophone playing.

but of course, this won’t stop shingen from trying to win you over.

he does it his own style, the classical flirting with his sexy stature. yet, you always quip back in the jargon language he knows nothing about—and his several seconds of confoundment proves to be a good strategy as you flee the scene.

prior to you telling him that you were from the future, he did find it suspicious how you have so, so many “things that came from your hometown” that was painfully specific. and he’s shingen takeda, he’s known for being well-informed, so why hadn’t he heard of this before? some villages have their own tradition, yes, but it’s usually not enough to write at least twenty dictionaries about.

and even if he wants to find it, where would he go? the only two people who’ve learnt it are you and sasuke.

although he begins to pick up basic things whenever you talk to either him or the ninja. just small references that a high schooler can pick up.

for the sake of it, shingen’d probably try to do a physics pick-up line on you. but due to the lack of knowledge he has, it ends up with you on the floor laughing until you’re clenching your sides.

you can’t help it! it’s so wrong on so many levels it’s insanely hilarious while also painful.

after the laughter dies down, shingen takes it upon himself and pins you to the wall, his sultry eyes burning into yours, “well, it seems my goddess can do a bit of fixing on those, hm? please, my muse, do demonstrate how you do it properly.”

—kenshin:

(honorable mention hc: if you ever use terminology before the affectionate part of him comes in he’ll practically frown at you in deep confusion, “what are you talking about, you fool?”)

if his ninja had met you before he did, he probably wouldn’t have much of a problem. sasuke talks to someone, all he does is frown and just doesn’t care. but hoo boy you managed to slither into his heart without him even noticing it.

he’s just looking around the market for you, until he sees the sight of you chattering so brightly and passionately,,, with sasuke.

phase one: pouty mode. it lasts only for a few second, but his lips form a very strong scowl as it processes in his mind.

(phase one and a half: it’s where he glances at you and notice how you twinkle so brightly in his eyes—like a star beaming at him. except it isn’t at him. and so this honorary phase ends)

phase two: in a split second of his braincells barely managing together, he unsheathes his sword and begins to fish sasuke away from you. (”let’s duel, sasuke.”  /  “i’m afraid i was having a conversation with—”  /  “fight or i kill you this second.”)

phase three: usually it’s where you pull him away and lightly scold him, thus ending his bloodlust.

phase four: usually happens after the other party has left. pouty mode two: electric boogaloo; as he sulks like a child in envy and jealousy and you’re forced to cuddle with him and give him lots of kisses so he Functions properl after that.

of course, you can’t just let it repeat. you had a talk after some time, entailing that, kenshin, please stop chasing your vassals because they say one (1) word to me. with a lot of grumbling and reluctance, he agrees to it.

it won’t stop his lips forming into a scowl at the sight of it though.

he curses the oldened knowledge of the sengoku—he wanted you to talk to him about those big brained things. but alas, there wasn’t much he could do.

(”no, kenshin, you can’t go to the future just cause you wanna learn everything i learnt! the wormhole is gone and it takes at least 4 years—”)

—yukimura:

yukimura meets you the second time while talking to sasuke down in the market. and the decision to rebrand you from a wild boar to a witch casting spells were made in the flick of a second, just like that.

“hey, are you trying to hex my fried, enchantress?!”  /  “yukimura, they’re a friend from my hometown, it’s alright.”  /  “oh.”

as he says, a friend of sasuke is a friend of his! though he still doesn’t understand at all each time you make a physics reference, and still isn’t partly convinced you at least know an ancient language.

he doesn’t exactly buy into the whole ‘hometown-specific’ thing either, but hey. it’s sasuke and you, if you’re lying, he thinks, he’ll let you tell him in your own time.

but in the meantime, the fact you know terminology to references he doesn’t understand makes your daily bickering a lot funnier. what’s an atom and is his brain really smaller than that as you said? fun thing is he’ll probably never know if you and sasuke withhold such information.

if he ever sees you experimenting with something to examine the components, as long as it isn’t dangerous, he’d look at you in mild amusement and confusion, “what are you doing, silly?”

but if it dangerous (like guns, fireworks, etc.) he scolds you with a scowl, one born from pure worry.

once you two got together, you started going to dorky science puns. once again, yukimura doesn’t understand it, but the stupid grin you have on your face is just enough for him.

(he does ask sasuke about it later, resulting in a bright faced yuki, muttering a small “idiot,,” under his breath.)

—sasuke:

the moment you saw him at honno-ji, present day, you felt there was something familiar to him. like it’s a face you’ve passed through in the bustling streets. and the moment you saw his lab coat, you just assumed he somewhat came from the same college as you.

and just after he corrected you referring to him as “that college student” being an astrophysicist, your eyes brightened a thousand times, but tried to stifle it considering you were more or less being chased. 

you listened into his explanation of the wormhole closely, processing each word in fascination and curiosity. you had enough experience to know what he’s talking about—and it gave you so much euphoria from just simply listening in.

you hope to meet him again as he disappears in the shadows.

you do, to your delight. the very first day you went out to town, you encountered him at a stall. conversation immediately took off once you re-mentioned his degree, along with yours. from there, the wormhole was the center topic again, mostly talking about how he found where it would be and when it would be. you’d never heard of such a research back then.

and slowly, you grow an admiration to sasuke’s high intelligence. all the research he’s done, he’ll definitely show a fellow enthusiast, and you’re practically beaming at the chance.

so much so that you don’t notice the weirdened stares of the ones around you.

there nights when you’d sneak into his room just to ask him about something, or propose to him a theory since he’s the only person who’d get it.

and on some sleepless nights, you find yourself lying about with sasuke beneath the stars, peering into his telescope once in a while and geeking out about the small dots in the sky.

a part of you wished you met him sooner—but you feel like you couldn’t ever ask for more.

—yoshimoto:

truth be told, he didn’t care much at first.

his somewhat apathy towards people and more towards art becomes just ever so slightly apparent; as he lets you rant your heart out to sasuke while he admires some cloth in the background. you have your preferred friends, it isn’t his place to be opposed to it.

well, that’s what he thought of it—until you slowly got closer to him.

through talks of art and the different medias from your “hometown”, he learnt more and more about you. and his heart grew fonder and fonder.

until—for whatever reason—he found himself,,, feeling some kind of upset by the sight of you talking to sasuke so brightly like that? it’s like a part of him doesn’t sit well with it.

while he isn’t quite sure what he’s feeling, he’ll try to fish you away regardless. his good looks aren’t for nothing, even still having its charming effects on you.

putting up somewhat of an airheaded act, he mindlessly pulls you out of the conversation to look at some beautiful fabric, catching you off-guard for a moment. if you try to mention your talk with sasuke, it’s as if he doesn’t hear it as he whisks you off to another store. and another, another—until you’ve gotten some distance from the ninja.

even with all that effort, he doesn’t think much into the feeling inside his heart. what then felt like a storm, was now a welcoming, warm spring breeze in him.

he’ll figure it out, one day.

[mysaldate]

(UM seduction methods anon here) Im in awe over how much you write for so many character, every day! Do you have any hc on how they live? (where they live? living conditions?) BUT please dont push yourself or anything either!

Thank you so much for worrying about me! I’m simply trying to do my very best for all of you! And thank you also for such wonderful and original requests!

The living conditions of the Upper Moons headcanons

Daki&Gyuutaro

This one will be short since we know quite a lot about them. They’ve lived in the red lights district for their whole lives. In the streets and usually with little more than just their clothes on but they had each other.

They stayed in even after they became a demons. No surprise, there’s plenty of food and nobody will really care if a couple girls disappears.

They don’t have separate rooms of course. These two are literally inseparable so of course they wouldn’t bother with something like that. There’s nobody to tease them about it either since people are not aware of there even being two of them and as for their fellow demons, those just don’t care. Except maybe for Douma but he wouldn’t tease them about it.

We got to see their room so there’s not much to be said about the decorations either. Daki is a stylish girl and she likes to show it off even in the way she sets up their room – even if nobody much gets to see it.

Kaigaku

He never really had much of a home per say. He became an orphan at a young age (if he wasn’t abandoned as a baby already) and then was chased out of Gyomei’s temple as well. Jigoro took him in but unfortunately enough, that relationship didn’t really work out either. Strangely enough, he felt most at home when he was outside, travelling from one mission to another.

After he became a demon, he stayed with Kokushibou for a short period of time but that was just before Muzan approved of his existence. After that, he had to find his own territory – which wasn’t really too hard anyway. He picked a run-down old house as his shelter from the sun for the day but he didn’t really care much how it looked, at least not at first.

It’s not that he wouldn’t like company but there’s not really anyone to share his place with. Humans wouldn’t hang out with him, other demons literally can’t. Other Upper Moons won’t.

He first didn’t care at all how the place looked but after some time, he decided that since he didn’t have anything to do during the day anyway, he could at least try to decorate the place a bit. So while the sun is up, he does little things inside, like sweeping the floors or painting the walls. He even learnt to sew to make curtains. And at night, when he’s not out hunting, he does other reparations. Even he is surprised by how much fun he can have, giving the place a personal touch.

Gyokko

Being an artist, it’s not unlikely that he lived in an open, arid room before he became a demon. Lots of sunlight too. And occassionally, a companion or two but those never really stuck around for long. His place was filled with various unfinished art pieces.

Now that he’s a demon, he can’t have the luxury of a sunny appartment. His pots, however, work as a little pocket dimension so that’s an upgrade? Of sorts? It doesn’t really have a set shape either, it’s a little bit like Nakime’s Infinity Fortress but shapeless, like the walls are made of water or another liquid and constantly change form.

He lives with plenty of goldfish. The entire place is nearly filled with aquariums of various shapes and forms. You know how people make mazes for hamsters, guinea pigs or even cats? Well, those are nothing when compared to the lengths Gyokko goes to for his fishies. It’s not just glass, coloured or plain, either. Sometimes he would use the nichirin blades or pretty hairpieces of his victims’ to decorate the elaborate fishtanks as well. If a human ever strays in, it’s the last thing they say.

Gyokko LOVES decoration. Aside from his fishtanks, he has numerous statues, paintings and just about everything else you can think of. Both handmade and stolen. For his handmade art, he usually uses bodies or bodyparts of his victims, possibly their blood too. It serves both as an artpiece and a food reserve just in case he ever gets to a position where he’s forced to starve. Surprisingly enough, his pots are great at preserving things. Oh, and let’s not forget about the amount of detail he puts to the exterior of his pots! 

Hantengu

Back when he was a human, he didn’t really have a home, naturally. He couldn’t afford it. And most people wouldn’t let him stay more than one night, chasing him out often with sticks and stones. He had to travel all the time and preferably somewhere far away where the rumors about him didn’t reach yet. Due to this, he becomes restless when he has to spend a long time in one place.

Now, as a demon, he also doesn’t stay in one place all the time. He usually sneaks in a house, kills the family and stays there for a few days before moving on to the next one. Some of his other personalities, namely Sekido and Karaku, find this a little useless and bothersome but they wouldn’t really fight him on it.

Speaking of whom, his other personalities split when they have time to be alone as well, taking care of him and the house. It’s a great way to keep him safe as well since at least one of them is always on guard for possible intruders. They get along... somewhat well. There are the usual conflicts between Sekido and the others. Karaku is careless about their cover, Yoroko likes to make pranks on them and Aizetsu tends to lock himself in his room for hours on end. Poor Sekido is left with the task of housework, making sure they don’t get discovered too soon, acting as the voice of reason... and he still has to go out hunting and stay on guard when it’s his turn.

Yoroko likes decorating stuff and Karaku loves to watch him but their taste is strange to everyone but them. Surprisingly enough, Hantengu as well as Aizetsu both can actually create rather beautiful tapestries and Zohakuten sometimes paints when Sekido is just too done with the three useless dorks.

Nakime

She used to be your typical hikikomori. Nakime spent all her time in her room, with nothing but a pile of books and her biwa. It wasn’t a big room either. While her room did have windows, she prefered them covered and read in the light of an oil lamp. As expected, it wasn’t too good for her eyes...

She lives in the Dimensional Infinity Fortress now. A place she can fully control and knows everything about, one that bends to her will and where she can transport anyone anywhere at any time, just as she wants. The only exception seems to be Muzan who comes and goes as he sees fit (at least until the current arc but y’all already know how I feel about that). It’s not that she minds it, she still knows where and when he enters and leaves and even if she didn’t, it’s not like he would ambush and kill her for no reason (right?).

Despite providing rooms specifically suited for the Upper Moons, she much enjoys her solitude. Even when they’re in and she has to keep an eye on them (I’m sorry, I’ll stop with the puns now), she keeps her distance. Try to annoy her, or even just seek her company, and you will mercilessly get thrown out. An exception, again, is Muzan. He doesn’t live there with  her though and only seeks her out when he has work for her to do.

Decoration of the rooms varies greatly, mostly based on what are they used for. Most of the Fortress is not decorated since Nakime sees no reason to waste time and effort on that. However, there are special parts that deserve special attention. Just as an example, there’s Muzan’s upside-down lab, Douma’s lotus pond, that traditional japanese area Kokushibou first appeared in... And of course, the execution platform that’s now decorated with the red of the Lower Moons’ blood.

Akaza

Again, we have a very good canon idea about his life as a human. First living with his father and then spending some time in the streets, he eventually ended up staying at Keizo’s house, taking care of Koyuki. He had his own room there too but it didn’t really matter because he spent most of his time by Koyuki’s side anyway. Rumor has it he dragged his futon to her once when she was having a nightmare and never moved out until she got all better.

He’s pretty much a street rat as of now, looking for challenges and new foes to fight for the most part. During the days, he usually stays still outside, in dense forests or deep caves. He’s not particularly picky. Sometimes he stays there during the night too, setting up a campfire and waiting for someone to wander close. For some reason, he doesn’t really like cities, especially during the festival season.

So yeah, he lives alone. At least usually he does. It’s not all that rare for Douma to find and bother visit him. He doesn’t want company. Getting attached would make him weak. The more people you care about, the easier it is to take advantage of you.

The only thing he cultivates in his surroundings is his own body. No, I’m not talking about the tattoos, though those certainly are a decoration as well. Rather, it’s his muscles and strength. However, he still prefers to have some manners over raw power, hence why he keeps refusing Douma’s more than generous offers to hunt down some girls together even if that could make him stronger.

Douma

Grew up in the temple in the forest. High up on a mountain overlooking a small town, it’s not a place with the most access to society. But cults are usually like that. When he was about three years old, his father planted two magnolia trees in the courtyard so that the place is a little more lively and the trees can grow tall to provide lots of shade in summer since the sun could be quite annoying. If only he knew...

Loyal as he is, Douma stays at the temple even now. He had it expanded a little and even had a lotus pond build right behind his room so he can calm his thoughts at least a bit after every session. He used to need it more than he does now, especially since he now also has the one made by Nakime that is way better and more spacious.

Canonically, there is at least one temple servant staying with Douma at the temple. But honestly, it wouldn’t be quite like him to satisfy himself with a single person. There’s probably a number of people taking care of the place, both temple servants and maidens. They also serve as a source of entertainment and possibly even as a last-resort snack just in case. There also used to be Kotoha and Inosuke for a short period of time but well...

While he is quite childish and it might sound just like him to go overboard with decorating stuff, that’s not entirely true. Really, the most he has is the skull closet with engraved golden door. That and the pot in which he planted Kotoha’s head but that one is a gift from Gyokko so it doesn’t really count.

Kokushibou

As with most of them, we were blessed with enough info on Kokushibou’s, or rather Michikatsu’s, homes. Growing up a samurai, he never had time to spare, little to no friends and a bride who was most likely found for him without him having any say in it, it’s really not that much of a surprise he would elect to leave it all behind and become a demon slayer since it gave him significantly more freedom.

Even as a demon, not much have changed. During the day, he stays at a mansion like the samurai lord he is, and at night, he goes out to hunt down the pests in the area, more often than not treating himself with a bountiful feast while he’s at it. He also has a room in the Infinity Fortress but like the majority of the Upper Moon demons (actually everyone but Douma), he enjoys his solitude way more.

He has a few servants at the mansion. Ones that get replaced every once in a while when they mysteriously disappear. But the salary is high enough to let any major rumors die out in a blink (I know, I promised, I’m sorry) so the most he has to deal with are whispers about him overworking his servants to the point where they rather abandon the money and run away under the cloak of the night.

You would probably find the house eerily plain but he’s used to it. The backyard is where he spends most of his time aside from his room and those two are the only actually decorated places in the house. And they’re still kept neat and practical for the most part. He rarely has anything that wouldn’t serve a purpose, both when it comes to items and people.

[allthehorrormovies]

A+1 - A blend of American Pie and Scream, but surprisingly better than that sounds. Outlining the plot would give away the twist, which tips its hand early on, yet ends in a gratifying manner. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Make love, not war.

Alien - A friend remarked how this film likely wouldn’t be made today. It’s shot too dark. It’s quiet, purposefully. There’s no action for much of the first half; more a study in isolated labor and worker exploitation. And there’s not a “star,” outside of teenage dreamboat Harry Dean Stanton. Actors like Sir Ian Holm Cuthbert were selected for their ability, not their stature within Hollywood, as production took place in London. As Robert Ebert said, “These are not adventurers, but workers.” We’re lucky it was made, supposedly, in part because the success of Star Wars pushed the studio to quickly release their own space movie. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sigourney Weaver is the ultimate Final Girl.

Aliens - The deliberate, slow pace of Alien is replaced by James Cameron’s grandiose action, backed by four times the original budget. Like Terminator 2: Judgment Day, it’s amazing that both films avoid “the disease of more.” Cameron’s characters are too often weighed down by punch-line dialogue, but all the elements together somehow work. Ripley’s character begins to move past being a simple pilot and into a warrior woman, for better and worse. The studio originally tried to write her out of the sequel due to a contract dispute, but Cameron thankfully refused to make the film without her. There are people out there who prefer Aliens to Alien, and that’s fine. They are wrong, but that’s fine. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien³ - David Fincher has famously disowned his directorial debut, citing studio deadlines for its poor quality. Compared to the first two films, it certainly is a failure. Though gorier, the scenes with the digital alien look terrible upon re-viewing. The various writers and scripts, some potentially interesting—especially William Gibson’s version, and changing cinematographers and the insertion of Fincher late into production doomed the project from the start. All that said, the movie itself isn’t terrible—parts are even good, but what feels like a midway point in Ripley’s saga is ultimately her end, and that feels cheap. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien: Covenant - The maddening mistakes of Prometheus absent, this sequel is a tense, action-packed killer of a flick. Scott claims a third prequel is in the works that will tie everything back to Alien, which is . . . fine? It’s just that the first film was so great and everything else since then seems so unnecessary. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien Resurrection - The aliens look better than ever before, but Joss Whedon’s dialogue is simply annoying and the casting is horrible. Ripley has super powers and kills her large adult alien son. Winona Ryder decides crashing a space ship into Paris, killing untold millions, is the best way to get rid of the aliens for some reason. It’s fucking dumb and cost $70 million to make. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. In the special edition intro, director Jean-Pierre Jeunet says he didn’t change much in the re-release because he was proud of the theatrical version. Baffling. 

Amer - This Belgian-French film is a tribute to the Italian tradition of giallo, a stylized, thriller told in three sections that directors like Suspiria’s Dario Argento pioneered. Mostly wordless, there’s not much plot, more a series of moments in a women’s life revolving around terrifying, sexual moments that ends in murder and madness. There are some terrific scenes, but it’s more of an art piece than movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

An American Werewolf in London - Funny and scary all at once, setting the bar almost impossibly high for all that followed. Rick Baker's special effects catapult this movie into greatness. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Ebert was right, though; it doesn’t really have an ending. 

Annihilation - Perhaps more of a sci-fi thriller than a horror movie. But due to some terrifying monsters scenes, I’m going to include it. Apparently writer/director Alex Garland wrote the screenplay after reading the first book in Jeff VanderMeer’s Southern Reach trilogy, giving the movie a different overall plot. Garland’s sleek style that made Ex Machina so wonderful is replaced by “The Shimmer,” which gives the film a strange glow. The ending relies too much on digital special effects that looked more gruesome in earlier segments, detracting from its intended impact. Still, a few key scenes, especially the mutated bear, are downright terror-inducing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first found the constant flashbacks unnecessary, but viewed as a refraction on Portman’s mind as well as her body make them more forgiving.

The Babadook - Creepy and nearly a perfect haunted horror movie, except for some final tense moments that too quickly try to switch to sentimental, which leaves their earnestness falling flat. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Dook. Dook. Dook.

The Babysitter (2017) - One of Netflix’s original movies, this one pays off in gore and borrows heavily from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World-style jokes. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Meh. It’s cheesy and cliché, but whaddaya gonna do?

Backcountry - Don’t be fooled thinking this is like Jaws “but with a bear,” as I did. Unsympathetic characters and zero tension make this movie a drag to watch. At the start, you think, “Who cares if these assholes get eaten by a bear? They wandered into bear country without a map.” By the end, you’re actively cheering for the bear to eat the boyfriend and only a little sympathetic for the lead character. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. To her credit, Missy Peregrym does a fine job of being a mostly lone protagonist.

Basket Case - Cult director Frank Henenlotter‘s debut starts as a creepy, bloody horror movie, but staggers after showing the monster too soon and then tries to fill time with unnecessary backstory and extended scenes of screams and blood that would have otherwise been eerily good if executed more subtly. Despite not being very good, it’s at least somewhat interesting and kind of impressive considering its low budget. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Battle Royal - I’m not convinced this is a horror movie, it’s more just a gory action flick. But hey, oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun, but not as great as many people seem to believe.

The Beyond - Considered one of Lucio Fulci’s greatest films, it might be a bit disappointing to newcomers of his work. Certainly the style and impressive gore are at their highest, but the muddled plot and poor dubbing distract from the overall effect. Fabio Frizzi‘s score is, for the most part, a great addition, however, certain key moments have an almost circus-like tone, which dampens what should be fear-inducing scenes. It’s easy to see why some fans absolutely love this movie while some critics absolutely hate it. In the end, it’ll please hardcore horror fans, but likely bore others. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Beyond the Gates - Two estranged brothers are sucked into an all-too-real game of survival after finding a mysterious VHS board game following the disappearance of their father. The plot is fun and original, but the lead actors aren’t all that engaging and the special effects look rather outdated for a 2016 release. Still, it’s an enjoyable watch. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Christmas - A slasher that starts out with potential, but never gets all that scary or gory, though it’s well made. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Margot Kidder gets a kid drunk.

Black Sheep (2006) - A hilarious, gory take on zombie sheep. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Sunday - The Mask of Satan (aka Black Sunday) is totally my new superhero/metal band name. If you're a fan of older horror, this one is not-to-miss. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Vengeance, vampires, Satan worship, castles, curses, and a buxom heroine, this movie is pretty damn dark for a 1960's black & white film.

The Blackcoat’s Daughter - Scores points for a couple of horrific scenes and a fairly good switcheroo, but mostly too slowly paced to capture the viewer’s attention. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Emma Roberts continues her path to being the modern Scream Queen.

The Birds - Hithcock’s film was, by no means, the first horror movie. German, Japanese, and UK directors had explored witches, demons, and the classic monsters decades earlier. But, The Birds is a landmark film, like Psycho, for pioneering a new wave of modern horror. It was, perhaps, the first time female sexuality and ecological revenge had been combined to create an unsettling tale with an ambiguous ending. And the rather graphic scenes of found corpses, combined with a minimalist score, are nearly as shocking today as when the film was first released. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Braindead - It's Bill Pulman and Bill Paxton in a 1980s B-horror; what more do you need? Most people won't enjoy this campy fart of nonsense, but try pulling your TV outside and getting good and drunk. Anything's good then. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. “The universe is just a wet dream."

The Brood - No where near as polished as Scanners or Videodrome, but still a creepy, well-made film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Bucket of Blood - This black & white 1959 film from Roger Corman is more dark comedy than horror, but it’s a absurdly fun critique of beatnik culture written by Corman’s partner on Little Shop of Horrors. Dick Miller gives a great performance, and with a run time of about an horror, the pacing feels relatively quick for an older film. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Byzantium - The tale of two British vampires who live like wandering gypsies, setting up a low-rent brothel in a seaside town despite being immortal badasses because the all-powerful, all-male secret vampire club is trying to kill them, because . . . no girls allowed? It’s unclear. The vampires are of the more modern type—they go out during the day and receive their curse from a geological location than from one another. Still, overall the movie is better than it has to be. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever - Eli Roth’s directorial debut isn’t awful, but it certain could have been better considering Roth credits Carpenter’s The Thing as its inspiration. The homophobic jokes date the movie more than the alt-rock soundtrack and the repetitive scenes reminding viewers of how the mysterious disease spreads (at apparently differing rates depending on the character) during the conclusion end up creating a weird kind of plot hole. To his credit, some of the nods to The Thing are OK. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever - That Ti West made this pseudo-campy and outright bad movie during the same period that he made The House of the Devil is perplexing. The style, pace, and subtly that make The House of the Devil an enjoyable film are nonexistent in this cash-grab sequel. West apparently hated the final cut and requested his name be removed from the project. That said, I kind of like this movie better than the original. I’ve always found Roth’s praise of his directorial debut to be odd, as it’s not very good. For what it’s worth, this movie isn’t trying to be anything other than what it is: a tasteless, bad horror movie. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Retcons the plot hole in the first movie, at least.

The Cabin in the Woods - As good of a spoof of the horror genre as one could hope. Stereotypical with an O'Henry twist at every turn, this movie is good for an afternoon viewing, much like Tucker & Dale vs Evil. Without giving much away, if you think about it, The Cabin In the Woods is like a weird PSA about how marijuana will destroy all of mankind. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun and gory with something for everyone.

Candyman - Decades later, it’s not as easy to see why Candyman was such a landmark movie. It’s a bit slow, stumbles in places, and some of the acting is only serviceable. However, the story itself (based on Clive Baker’s original) is—on paper at least—good. Critics at the time were rightfully hesitant to praise a movie simply for having a black villain, especially when his origin is based on racial violence, but Tony Todd’s portrayal is so terrifying it launches the character into one of the all time great horror monsters. Add in Philip Glass’s soundtrack and Candyman reigns among other classics without being a top contender. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Carrie - I saw this movie on TV a long time ago, but I had forgotten much of the film, especially the opening scene of slow motion nudity (aren't these girls supposed to be in high school?!). The remake of this movie is likely going to be bad, but the original is so good I'll probably go see it. What can be said? Pig's blood. Fire. Religious indoctrination. Sexual overtones. There's a reason Brain de Palma's version of Steven King's story became so culturally important. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. This movie holds up, even today. 

Carrie (2013) - Though nothing is glaringly bad, and the added back-story decently pulled off by Julian Moore as the mother, almost every scene is a shadow of the original. Which is unfortunate considering that the remake of Let The Right One In managed to find a somewhat more unique tone. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Largely unnecessary.

The Changeling - George C. Scott does a fine job as a mourning husband haunted by an unfamiliar spirit. Not the most exciting movie, but pretty decent. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It might’ve ranked higher, but there are no half stars here.


Cheerleader Massacre - This movie looks like someone shot it in their backyard with an earl 90s handheld camcorder . . . in high school. This is just embarrassing, for me too. The actors seem to be exotic dancers or adult film stars, who haven’t been asked back for a shift in a while. Alright, I skipped through this because the quality was so low. At around minute 41 there's a bathtub scene with three naked women, which culminates in one licking chocolate sauce off each other’s breasts. Some people die. Two of the naked women survive, I think. The house they all go to in the beginning of the movie - a ski lodge, I guess - burns down, or doesn't. Whatever. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. Just watch actual porn.

Child’s Play - While only OK, I understand how this became a franchise. Melted Chucky is terrifying. The villain can hop from vessel to vessel, unfortunately through some kind of voodoo racist bullshit. The characters are shallow, but serviceable. For such a big budget movie, it’s weird that it ends so abruptly. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Children of the Corn - Damn, this movie is boring. Linda Hamilton does the World's Least Sexy Birthday Striptease. The characters are joking quite a bit having just run over a child, whose dead body is rattling around in the trunk. What was the casting call like for this movie? "Wanted: Ugly children. Must look illiterate." All in all, things turn out pretty good for our protagonists. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. For something that spurred at least five other movies, this was remarkably uninspiring. 

City of the Living Dead - The dialogue is awkward and the plot a bit convoluted, but the special effects hold up and the overall story is good. The first of Lucio Fulci’s Gates of Hell trilogy. Apparently when the movie was screened in L.A., Fulci was booed. 3 of 5 pumpkins. Poor Bob the Simple Pervert.

Climax - Gaspar Noé is known for making viewers feel as uncomfortable possible with his experimental style film making. Which is fine. But that discomfort rarely lands to move me outside the initial shock. Climax is, surprisingly, more like a Suspiria remake than the actual 2018 remake. That, however, doesn’t make it good. The really shocking moments aren’t all that shocking and the cultural commentary isn’t very deep. It’s not a bad movie, it’s just, well, unnecessary. The dance scenes are extraordinary, so at least it’s got that going for it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Color Out of Space - An enjoyable, albiet uneven, film that does a lot with little. A head-trip type of home invasion movie that pulls you in. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Conjuring - It’s easy to see why so many people love this movie. It’s well-acted, it has jump-out-of-your-seat scares, and incorporates several classic fear elements. Considering the mediocre, at best, tiredly worn horror movies that slump to torture porn for shock value coming out recently, The Conjuring stands above its peers. Still, there’s nothing original about the movie. 3 out 5 pumpkins. 

The Conjuring 2 - Billed as more shocking than the original, this sequel likely lands better in theaters with it’s jump-cut scares and action flick sequences. On the home screen, however, the overly dramatic elements are too far flung to seem like a haunting based on true events. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. 

Creep (2014) - Nails the P.O.V. angle without going too far down the overly-used “found footage.” Mark Duplass is terrifying and without his ability to carry the film, the entire concept could have easily fallen flat. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Creep 2 - Mark Duplass pleasantly surprises with a sequel that, while not as *ahem* creepy as the first, builds out the world of his serial killer in a manner that is engaging and ends with the potential for more. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Crimes of Passion - Technically it’s an “erotic thriller,” but given Ken Russell in the director’s chair and Anthony Perkins as the villain, I’m adding it to this list. Unfortunately, it’s not a great film. Kathleen Turner surpasses over acting in some scenes, and the rest of the cast is pretty forgettable. If the plot revolved around Perkins’s character, it might have been more of a horror flick. Instead revolves around loveless marriage and the fucked up issues of sexuality in America, attempting to say . . . something, but never really making a point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Russell has got an obsession with death dildos. I don’t know what to do with that information. Just an observation.

Crimson Peak - Guillermo del Toro is a complicated director. He’s created some truly remarkable films, but has also created some borderline camp. Crimson Peak splits the difference, much in the same way Pacific Rim does. If you’re a deep fan of a particular genre, in this case Victorian-era romance, then the movie can be an enjoyable addition to the category with its own voice. If you’re not, then the movie’s more eye-roll-inducing moments are less a nod to fandom and more of an uninvited addition to what could be a straight forward film. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Beautiful, but lacking.

Cronos - This del Toro film is a must-see for any fan of his current work. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Even if you're not usually a fan of foreign films, you'll likely appreciate this modern take on the vampire mythology.

Dagon - To be honest, I feel like I should watch this one again. It’s a bit of a jumbled mess, but there are some wacky, gory moments at the end. Similar in tone and style to Dead and Buried. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Seriously, like the last 20 minutes cram so much plot it’s just a series of wtf moments until hitting incest and then nothing really matters.

Darling - Well shot in beautiful black and white with an excellence score, Darling really should receive a better score. However, it fails to be more than the sum of its parts. Borrowing liberally from Kubrick’s one-point perspective and Polanski’s Repulsion in nearly every other way, the film is decent, but fumbles in deciding whether to convince the audience of a clear plot, leaving viewers with closure, yet unsatisfied. Still, worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Daughters of Darkness - A Belgian/French erotic vampire film that isn’t as erotic or vampiric as one might hope. Still, legend Delphine Seyrig shines so brightly, it’s catapults are relatively boring film into near greatness. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dawn of the Dead - The best zombie movie ever made. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Day of the Dead - George A. Romero’s end to a near-perfect trilogy isn’t as good as its predecessors, but it’s gorier and somehow more depressing, even with the ending. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dead and Burried - Starts with a bang, but lags in the middle. The ending tries too hard to surprise you, yet, by the time it’s over you kind of don’t care. Surprisingly well acted and good, creepy tale. Might not be everyone’s bag, but if you’re a tried-and-true horror fan, you’ll enjoy the movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The movie was written by Dan O’Bannon, famed for writing Alien. O’Bannon worked with John Carpenter on a short in film school, quit being a computer animator on Star Wars to be a screenwriter, and became broke and homeless after attaching himself to Jodorowsky’s doomed Dune. He later went on to direct The Return of The Living Dead and write Total Recall. 

Dead Snow - A Nazi zombie bites off a dude's dick. Do you really need any other details? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Germans be crazy.

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead - Not as good as its predecessor, but still fun. Plus, more children die. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Why all the gay jokes, though?

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats - OK, my first nit-pick is that the bed doesn’t eat people so much as it dissolves people. But it still makes chewing sounds? Whatever. A bizarre concept that swings for seriousness and utterly fails due to its lack of plot and extremely low budget. Kinda of weird, but ultimately pretty boring. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Death Spa - Hilariously bad. Super 80s. I can’t say this is a good film, but I would recommend watching it for the kitsch value. What if a ghost haunted a gym? Instant money maker. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: the project came about due to shepherding from Walter Shenson, who got rich producing A Hard Day’s Night and Help!, and the lead actor, who plays a gym manager, was an actual gym manager in L.A. at the time.

Deathgasm - Imagine if Scott Pilgrim vs. the World was about a New Zealand metal band and not as good, but still pretty OK. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Deep Red (aka Profondo Rosso, aka The Hatchet Murders) - Dario Argento’s 1975 film is more polished than 1977′s Suspiria, which is a bit surprising. However, that doesn’t necessarily make it a better film. Where Suspirira’s fever dream colors and superior soundtrack, also by Goblin, shines, Deep Red doesn’t quite land. The camera work here is better, though, as is much of acting. But there’s a lot of let downs, such as the opening psychic bowing out and never really coming up again, the boorish male lead and oddly timed humor, and the final reveal, which is anti-climatic. Still, an overall great horror movie. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Def by Tempation - I really enjoyed this film, despite it not being the most skillful directed or the most incredible script. The plot is compelling, the jokes are pretty funny, and the angles and lighting are really well done despite the limited budget. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Admittedly, Kadeem Hardison nostalgia helps.

Demons - Multiple people recommended this to me, and I can see why considering the Dario Argento connection. Unfortunately, the premise is more exciting than the execution. Poorly acted and poorly dubbed, the gore doesn’t do enough to hold one’s attention. There’s a scene where a guy rides around on a dirt bike killing demons with a samurai sword. At least that happens. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Is the ticket-taker in on it? She works in the demon theater, right? So, why is she being hunted? Also, where the fuck did the helicopter come from?

The Descent - Some of Earth’s hottest, most fit women embark on a spelunking adventure with a recently traumatized friend. Aside from a couple of lazy devices that put the team in greater peril than necessary, the movie quickly and cleverly puts the cavers into a horrifying survival scenario that few others in the genre have matched. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Without giving too much away, be sure you get the original, unrated cut before watching this flick.

The Devil’s Backbone - Though del Toro’s debut, Cronos, is more original and imaginative, this is much more honed. Not necessarily frightening, but tense and dreadful through out, laying open the horror war inflicts on all it touches. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Devil’s Candy - More of a serial killer thriller than a horror, but the supernatural elements raise this movie to better-than-average heights. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The real lesson is this movie is that cops won’t save you, ONLY METAL CAN SAVE YOU!

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark - The biggest upside to this movie is that it was produced by Guillermo del Toro. The biggest downside is that it's not directed by Guillermo del Toro. Still, the director gets credit for making a child the main character; never an easy task. To the little girl's credit, she's a better actor than Katie Holmes, no surprise, and Guy Pierce. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. With a bit more gore and stylistic pauses, this could have been a 4. This movie proves why killing kids is more fun than kids who kill, and also that every male protagonist in every horror movie is dumb dick.

Don’t Look Now - Well-acted and interesting, Nicolas Roeg’s adaptation is a high-water mark of the 1970s premier horror. The only real complaint is that the ending—while good and obviously ties it all together—is nonsensical. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Donald Sutherland fucks.

Event Horizon - “This ship is fucked.” “Fuck this ship!” “Where we’re going, we don’t need eyes to see.” These are quotes from, and also the plot of, Event Horizon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The most disturbing part of the whole production might be Sam Neil’s attempt to be a sexual icon.

The Evil Dead - Though The Shining is the best horror movie ever made, The Evil Dead is my favorite. Funny, creepy, well-shot on a shoestring budget, it's the foundation for most modern horror flicks, more so than Night of the Living Dead in some fashions. See it immediately, if you haven't. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bruce fuckin' Campbell.

Evil Dead (2013) - Not entirely bad, and even takes the original plot in more realistic places, like the character having to detox. But is that what we really need? The fun of the original is its low budget, odd humor, and DIY grit. I guess if you really want a “darker” version, it’s this. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Better than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, about as good as the Carrie remake, I guess.

Evil Dead II - I have to respect Sam Raimi because it’s like he got more budget and did everything possible to try and make this movie suck just as a fuck you to the studio. All the creepy parts of the original are over-the-top, there’s zero character development—just faces on a stage, and it’s seemingly a crash-grab to set up Army of Darkness more than anything else. That said, it’s kind of boring outside of a couple gory scenes. It’s fun, but not that funny. It’s scary, but more gauche than anything. An exercise in excess, yet a decent one somehow. My biggest complaint is that Evil Dead is great with Bruce Campbell, but would have been good with almost anyone; whereas Evil Dead II is only good because it’s Bruce Campbell. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark - This movie is nothing but puns and tit jokes. But clever ones! Pretty okay with that. Or maybe it's a statement on third-wave feminism in spoof form? Probably not. At one point an old people orgy breaks out at a small town morality picnic, but it's a PG-13 movie so it doesn't get very fun. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Boooooooooobs.

Elvira's Haunted Hills - A pretty disappointing follow-up to what was a fun, 1980s romp. Instead of poking fun at uptight Protestants, Elvira’s just kind of a dick to her servant. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Even the boob jokes are flat.

The Endless - More sci-fi than horror, and not the most deftly produced, still an original concept that’s pulled off well. 3 out 5 pumpkins. Maybe this should get a higher ranking. It’s good! Not exactly scary, but good.

Equinox - Decided to give another older Criterion Collection film a try. Though there are some clever tricks in the movie, especially for its time -- like an extended cave scene that's just a black screen -- the poor sound, monsters that look children's toys, and general bad acting drag this movie down to nothing but background noise that's easy to ignore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Whatever contributions this movie may have made to the industry, its not worth your time unless studying for a film class.

Excision - Less of an outright horror movie and more of a disturbing tale of a young necrophiliac, the film tries its best to summon the agnst of being a teen, but falls short of better takes, like Teeth. Still, pretty good. Traci Lords is great and John Waters plays a priest. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Exorcist - The slow pace and attention to character backstory is more moving than the shocking scenes you've no doubt heard about, even if you haven't seen the film. The pacing is slow compared to most movies today, but the drawn out scenes, like in Rosemary's Baby, help convey the sense of dread. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Believe.

Eyes Without a Face - One of the more remarkable things about this French 1960′s near-masterpiece is how carefully it walked the line between gore and taboo topics in order to pass European standards. The villain isn’t exactly sympathetic, but carries at least some humanity, giving the story a more realistic, and therefore more frightening quality. The only, only thing that holds this film back is the carnivalesque soundtrack that could have been foreboding. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. A must watch for any horror fan.

The Fly - Cronenberg's fan-favorite film is delightful, though it’s not as great as Scanners or Videodrome, in my humble opinion. Jeff Goldblum is, of course, terrific. If you haven’t seen it, see it! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Where’d he get the monkey, though? Seems like it’d be hard to just order a monkey. The 80s were wild, man.

The Fog - A rare miss for John Carpenter’s earlier work. There’s nothing outright wrong or bad about this movie, but it’s not particularly scary and the plot is rather slow. That said, it’s soundly directed. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re a Carpenter fan, it’s still worth watching.

Forbidden World - Another Roger Corman cult classic, this one made immediately after the much larger budget Galaxy of Terror, mostly because Corman had spent so much on the first set (designed by James Cameron) and thought of a way to make another low-budget flick with a much smaller cast and recycled footage from Battle Beyond the Stars. Even more of a complete rip-off of Alien, with some Star Wars and 2001: A Space Odyssey bit sprinkled in. Perhaps because it’s far less serious and revels in its pulp, it’s somehow better than Galaxy of Terror, which is more ambitious—you know, for a Corman b-movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No worm sex scene, though.

Frankenhooker - Frank Henenlotter‘s 1990 black comedy is over-the-top in almost every way, perhaps best encapsulated by the introduction of Super Crack that makes sex workers, and one hamster, explode. But with a title like Frankenhooker, you get what you expect. Hell, it even manages to sneak in an argument for legalizing prostitution. If you’re a fan of zany, exploitation in the vein of Re-Animator, you’ll enjoy it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Friday the 13th - Terrifically balanced between campy and creepy, with a soundtrack that’s twice as good as it needs to be. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching every year.

The Frighteners - Michael J. Fox, everyone! Robert Zemeckis & Peter Jackson - ugh. It didn't even take 20 minutes for the racial stereotypes to kick in. Unlike the trope of youth in most horror movies, everyone in this movie looks old. Holy shit, did anyone else remember Frank Busey was in this movie? Michael J. Fox is a bad driver in this movie. He was also in a car accident that gave him supernatural sense. Jokes. Apparently they tried to make it look like this movie was shot in the Midwestern United States, but it was filmed in New Zealand. It's clearly a coastal or water based mountain town, in like dozens of shots. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Cheesy without being completely campy, it's also family friendly. If this were any other genre, this would likely be a two.

From Beyond - Stewart Gordon’s follow-up to Re-Animator isn’t as fun, even with some impressively gory special effects. Viewers are throw into a story with little regard for character, which doesn’t really matter, but is still a bit of a left down when you find yourself wondering how a BDSM-inclined psychiatrist builds a bomb from scratch. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It’ll stimulate your pineal gland!

Funny Games (2007) - A fairly straightforward home invasion horror achieves greatness thanks to Michael Haneke‘s apt directing and powerful performances by Naomi Watts and Michael Pitt. Like with Psycho, some of the most horrifying parts are what comes after. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The fourth wall breaking is an odd touch, but thankfully and surprisingly doesn’t distract.

The Fury - Brian De Palma’s follow-up to Carrie is a major let down. Despite a fairly charismatic Kirk Douglas and score by John Williams, the two-hour run time drags and drags. Attempting to combine horror and an action-thriller, the film waffles between genres without ever rising above either. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s not explicitly bad; just a bore to watch.

Galaxy of Terror - Roger Corman produced this movie as was to try and capitalize off the success of Alien, but even with that shallow motivation it’s better than it needed to be. Staring Erin Moran of Happy Days fame and celebrated actor Ray Walston, Galaxy of Terror has an uneven cast, made all the more puzzling by Sid Haig. Though “the worm sex scene” is likely the reason it achieved cult status, James Cameron’s production is top-notch and was clearly the foundation for his work on Aliens. The ending even hints at the future of Annihilation. Does all this make it a good movie? Not really, but it’s not terrible either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Get Out - A marvelous debut for Jordan Peele, who—given his comedy background—was able to land some downright chilling moments alongside some mostly well-timed jokes. Unfortunately, not all of them as well timed, especially the drop-in moments with the lead character’s TSA buddy. Peele originally had the film end less optimistically, but wanted audiences to ultimately walk away feeling good. Maybe not the most artistic choice, but certainly the smart one given the film’s acclaim. It’s easy to see why Get Out has cemented itself alongside The Stepford Wives as a smart, “in these times” commentary about society, but it’s also just a really well-paced, well-shot, well-acted film. With two other horror projects immediately set, it’ll be exciting to see just how much Peele will add to the genre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. America’s worst movie critic, Armond White, said Get Out was “an Obama movie for Tarantino fans” as if that was a bad thing. Idiot.

Ginger Snaps - A delightfully playful but still painful reminder of what it was like being a teenager while still being a gore-fest. A must for anyone who was emo. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Out by sixteen or dead on the scene.

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night - An almost flawless picture. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: nearly everyone in this movie is insanely hot.

Green Room - Surviving a white supremacist rally in the Pacific Northwest is no joke. The region is the unfortunate home to violently racist gangs, clinging to the last shreds of ignorant hate. Though fading, some of the movements mentioned in the movie, like the SHARPs, are grounded in recent history. Mainly a gory survival-flick, the movie sneaks in some surprisingly tone-appropriate humor. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No one’s island band should be Misfits.

A Ghost Story (2017) - Yes, this isn’t a horror. It’s a drama. Don’t care; including it anyway. It’s unnerving in the way that it makes you consider your own mortality and the lives of the people who you’ve touched, and how all of that won’t last as long as an unfeeling piece of furniture or the wreckage of home soon forgot. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ghostbusters (1984) - “It’s true. This man has no dick.” 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (1978) - One of the best openings of any horror film. John Carpenter is a genius. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (2018) - Eh. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hardware - A very unhelpful Marine brings home some post-apocalyptic trash that tries to kill him and his girlfriend, who could absolutely do better than him. Horribly shot and nonsensical, it doesn’t push the boundaries of filth or gore its cult fans adore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Do not recommend.

The Haunting (1963) - Not exactly the scariest of movies, but damn well made and just dripping with gay undertones. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Theo is queen femme daddy and we are all here for it.

Haunting on Fraternity Row - The acting is surprisingly decent, but the supernatural elements don’t even start until halfway into the movie, which begins as a sort of handheld, POV style conceit and then abandons all pretense of that set up. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Not at all scary, but maybe it will make you nostalgic for frat parties, cocaine, and failed threesomes. So.

The Haunting of Julia - Apparently parents in 1970s Britain didn't receive proper Hymlic maneuver treatment, which perhaps made for an epidemic of dead children. As promising as that premise might be, an hour into this movie and there hasn't been any actual haunting. There's a stylish gay best friend (he owns a furniture store) and a dumb dick of an ex-husband, a scene of library research, mistaken visions, etc. All the standards are here, except for the haunting parts. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Well shot but absolutely boring, this is more about a woman's struggle with depression than a horror flick.

Head Count - A great premises that falters in key moments, making the sum of its parts less than its promising potential. For example, there’s no reason to show a CGI monster when you’ve already established its a shape-shifter, the scariest part is that they could be anybody! 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hellbound: Hellraiser II - I really dislike this movie, not because it’s especially bad, but because it’s a lazy continuation of the first film. Yes, there are a couple of scenes that are squeamishly good, but it spends too much time rehashing the plot of the first and then ending in some grandiose other dimension that has not real impact. Part of the terrifying elements of the first is that the horror is confined to one room in one house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It really only gets this many pumpkins because of the mattress scene.

Hellraiser - Truly the stuff nightmares are made of. It’s easy to see why this film became a cult-classic and continues to horrify audiences. That said, the plot is a bit simplistic. Not that the plot is the heart of the film; the objective is for viewers to experience squeamish body mutilation and overall dread, and in that regard it truly delivers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hereditary - Toni Collette is a treasure in this dramatic horror about family and loss. Though the truly terrifying bits take too long to ramp up, resulting in a jumbled conclusion, the film is engrossing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hocus Pocus - Admittedly, this movie isn’t very good. But its nostalgic charm and constant virgin jokes earns it a higher ranking that it deserves. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “Max likes your yabbos. In fact, he loves them.”

Honeymoon - Often described as a modern twist on Rosemary’s Baby, this debut from promising director Leigh Janiak takes its time before getting truly creepy. Though there are some gruesome moments, the tense feeling is bound to the two leads, who are able to keep a lingering sense of dread alive without much else to play off. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Host - I was skeptical of this Korean movie based on the sub-par visual affects, but the script, actors, and cinematography were all much better than expected. A genre-bender, as my friend who recommended it described, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll cringe. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you're a fan of movies like Slither, you'll love this movie.

Hot Fuzz - Second in Three Flavours Cornetto and probably the worst, but still a great movie that gets better on repeat viewing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

House - A part of the Critereon Collection, this 1977 Japanese movie is a trip and a half that follows the untimely demise of some school girls going to visit their friend's aunt, who turns out to be a witch who eats unwed women. One of the girls is named Kung-Fu and spiritually kicks a demon cat painting until blood pours out everywhere. I guess this is kind of a spoiler, but the movie is such a madcap, magna-influenced experiment there's nothing that can really ruin the experience. Like most anime, this movie also ends with an unnecessary song that drags on for far too long. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. I guess this movie influenced a lot of future work, which make sense. Still, most people would consider this a 1 as it's nearly impossible to follow.

The House at the End of the Street - I only decided to watch this movie because Jennifer Lawrence is in it. This isn't even a real horror movie. It's a serial killer movie with a few thriller moments. My standards are low at this point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It's a PG-13 movie, so instead of outright showing you some boobs there's just long, awkwardly placed frames of Jennifer Lawrence in a white tank-top. Oh, America.

The House of the Devil - Though an on-the-nose homage to 70s satanic slow-burns, this Ti West feature moves at a decent pace toward the slasher-like ending, making it better than most of movies it pays tribute to. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. 

The House on Sorority Row - A cookie-cutter college slasher that ends abruptly for no real reason considering how long it sets up its premise. Nothing awful, but nothing original. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Housebound - A fun, Kiwi flick that nicely balances a bit of horror with humor with a strong performance by Morgana O'Reilly. Though the plot takes a couple unnecessary twits towards the end, the gore kicks up and leaves you with a satisfying ending. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Howling - Released the same year as American Werewolf in London, this movie isn’t very good, but it is entertaining. Apparently audiences and critics thought it was funny. Maybe because it makes fun of that Big Sur lifestyle? I dunno. Dick Miller is the best thing in this movie, outside of the special effects. No idea why it spawned several follow ups. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Honestly, why not just lean into The Gift and join The Colony—nice surroundings, sultry nympho, regeneration ability. Some people can’t appreciate nice things.

Humanoids from the Deep - A cult favorite from the Roger Corman camp that borrows heavily from Creature from the Black Lagoon and a bit from Jaws. Initially very well done by director Barbara Peeters, but ultimately released much to her distaste. Peeters shot grisly murder scenes of the men, but used off camera and shadows to show the creatures raping the women. Corman and the editor didn’t think there was enough campy nudity. So they tapped Jimmy T. Murakami and second unit director James Sbardellati to reshoot those scenes, unknown to the cast, and then spliced the more exploitative elements back in for the final version, including a shower scene where it’s abundantly clear a new, more busty actress stands in for actual character. It’s unfortunate Peeters’ creation was essentially stolen from her, as it could have been a more respected film. I mean, how many horror flicks could weave in the economic struggle of small town bigots against a young native man trying save salmon populations? That said, the cut we got is pervy romp that’s still a boat-load of b-movie fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. James Horner on the score.

The Hunger - First off, David fucking Bowie. Not to be outdone, Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve are absolute knock-outs. Horror stories are often rooted in the erotic, often the unknown or shameful aspects of ingrained morality manifested in the grotesque and deadly. When done positively and well, it can be a powerful device. It’s a shame more recent horror movies don’t move beyond the teen-to-college-year characters for their sexual icons, too often used as sacrificial lambs, because mature sexuality can be far more haunting. As we age our connections to the meaning of love grow deeper and more complex; immorality does not offer the same luster. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn impressive for a first major film. Fun fact: Tony Scott wanted to adapt Interview with the Vampire, but MGM gave him The Hunger instead. It bombed and he went back to making commercials. Then Jerry Bruckheimer got him to direct Top Gun, which made $350M.

Hush - Though the masked stranger, home invasion plot is well-worn, this movies provides just enough shifts to keep things interesting and frightening. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out, Hot John!

I Am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House - With only an hour and a half run time, this film still drags. Part of that is deliberate. The foundation of the film is its atmosphere and the lingering uneasiness that it wishes audiences to dwell in. But by the end, you’re left with nothing more than a simple, sad story. It’s similar to the feeling of overpaying for a nice-looking appetizer and never getting a full meal. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Initiation - This movie has every 80s hour cliché necessary: minimalist synth soundtrack, naked co-eds, looming POV shots, hunky Graduate professor, escaped psychiatric patients, prophecy nightmares, and creepy a child. Yes, everything but actual horror. An hour into the horror movie and only one person has died. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There is no point to this movie, unless you're a huge fan of the princess in Space Balls.

The Innkeepers - The second of Ti West’s two well-received horror originals before he set out for TV and found-footage anthologies, The Innkeepers may not get as much love as The House of the Devil, but should. The dual-leads (Sara Paxton and Pat Healy) are more fun to watch than Jocelin Donahue‘s performance and the tone more even-set throughout the film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Innocents - Reportedly Martin Scorsese’s favorite horror movie, it’s easy to see how big of an impact it had on the genre (especially The Others) with sweeping camera angles, slow but still haunting pace, and remarkable sound design. Perhaps it’s not as well-received by modern viewers, but it’s no doubt a classic. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Intruder (1989) - An enjoyable slasher flick from long-time Sam Raimi collaborator Scott Spiegel that takes places in a grocery store after hours that doesn’t try to do too much or take itself too seriously and features some over-the-top gore. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “I’m just crazy about this store!”

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) - A terrific example of how to build paranoid fear. That its political allegory can be interpreted on both sides of McCarthyism makes it all the better. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Original ending, ftw.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) - A rare remake that’s almost as good as the original. Terrific use of San Fransisco as a setting, Goldblum Goldblum’ing it up, solid pacing—great film! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Plus, nudity!

The Invitation - More of a tense drama until the final moments, this film deserves praise for holding viewers’ attention for so long before the horror tipping point. Further details could spoil the story, but like many tales in the genre the lesson here is always trust your gut. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Ugh, Californians.

It (2017) - Stephen King’s nearly 1,200 page 1986 national bestseller captures the attention of readers for a number of reason: it’s coming-of-age story is horrific even without supernatural elements, it’s cast of characters resemble classic American archetypes from many of King’s other works, and its adaptation into a four hour mini-series staring Tim Curry as Pennywise in 1990 has haunted the imaginations of children for decades. Unfortunately, like the mini-series, the movie fails to deliver the long, unsettling moments that make the novel so thrilling. King’s story is a cocaine-fueled disaster that throws everything and the kitchen sink at viewers when compressed onto the screen. The truly terrifying elements of the book lose their impact when delivered one after another without time to feel personally connected to each character. The genius of It is the paranormal evil’s ability to hone in on a person’s darkest fears. Without deep empathy for all of The Losers, the individualized psychological torture is muted when reduced to jump-cuts. For what it’s worth, the film does its best with a jumble of sub-plots and the Pennywise origin story, but as the tone bounces from wide shots of small town Maine and the painful trauma of abuse to titled zooms of CGI monsters and an over-the-top soundtrack, something is lost. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Publishing office, 1985: “So, wait. The kids fuck?” the editor asks, disgusted. King vacuums another white rail into his nasal cavity. “Huh?! Oh. Yeah, sure. I guess. Does that happen? Jesus, I’m so fucked up right now. What day is it? What were you saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s like, love is the opposite of fear, bridge to adulthood or something. Do you have any booze around here?”

It Comes At Night - More utterly depressing than terrifying and a reminder that the greatest horror we’ll likely ever face is simply the limits of our own humanity. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

It Follows - An uncomfortable and honest take on how sexuality is intertwined with the horror myth. One for the ages. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The real terror is HPV. 

Jaws - A masterpiece that’s too easily remembered for its cultural impact than artist merit. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. R.I.P. Chrissie Watkins, you were a free spirit as wild as the wind.

The Killing of a Sacred Deer - Yorgos Lanthimos‘s follow up to The Lobster isn’t as well done, but the wide shots, odd lines, and increasingly bizzare build-up are all present. The finale is near perfect, but takes a bit too long to reach. I’d really like to give this film a higher score, but alas: 3 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing wrong, yet something is missing.

Kiss of the Damned - There are handful of potential interesting scenes and the internal drama of a vampire family is a potentially the foundation for a good film. Despite this, Xan Cassavetes’s film never manages to actually be all that interesting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing terrible here, but also nothing remarkable.

Knock Knock - Two hotties do my man Keanu dirty. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Eli Roth is a better actor than director.

The Lair of the White Worm - A campy demon flick from Altered States director Ken Russell. Staring Hugh Grant, Peter Capaldi, and Amanda Donohoe, the plot is loosely based on Bram Stroker’s last novel, which has a few similarities to H. P. Lovecraft's novella The Shadow Over Innsmouth, which was made into the Spanish film Dagon. Very British all around, a bit like Hot Fuzz meets Clue, this could have been played straight and potentially been scary, but Russell didn’t intend to be serious. A topless snake demon wearing a death strap-on to sacrafice a virgin can’t be taken as *cinema* after all. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not great film by any stretch, but pretty fun!

Lake Mungo - Presented as a made-for-TV type of mystery documentary, this could have really turned out poorly. Despite some unnecessary plot additions, this movie really stuck with me. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Sadder than you might expect.

The Langoliers - Balki Bartokomous is the villain in this made-for-TV special. He is terrible and the rest of the cast is packed with 90s no-name actors and a child actor that might as well be the blind version of a kid Liz Lemon. You know how Stephen King writes himself into every. single. story? In this case it's not even as a plot device, it's just a character to fill space like an obvious oracle. In the book, the character tearing paper is a subtle, unsettling mannerism you assume happens quietly in the background, but because television writers treat their audiences like distracted five year-olds, this action becomes a reoccurring focus with no point or context. One of the best parts about the book was imagining the wide, empty space of the Denver airport. Of course, shutting down an entire airport would be expensive, so most of the interactions take place in a single terminal, which is just as boring as being stuck at the airport yourself. Two 1994-era Windows screen savers eat Balki at the end, then, like, all of reality, maaaaaaaan. The more I think about it, this story might have been the unconscious basis for a strong Salvia freak out I once had. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Dear male, white writers, we all know that no one actually fucks writers in real life - that's why you're all so angry. Stop creating these protagonists equipped with impossible pussy-magnets. Stop. Staaaaaaaahp.

The Last House of the Left - Wes Craven’s debut isn’t much of a horror, but a revenge tale that contains no build up or sense of dread, but an immediate and unrelenting assault of its characters and the audience. It’s well-made, and the rape revenge tale is older than Titus Andronicus, but that doesn’t mean it’s something worth viewing. There’s no joy; it’s Pink Flamingos without the camp. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. No doubt impactful, but really best viewed as a piece of history with a critical eye and not for entertainment.

The Legend of Hell House - A well made haunted house film that holds up forty years later. Pamela Franklin, playing a medium, carries much of the movie. Her foil, the physicist, is a strange character. He apparently believes people, and even dead bodies, can manifest surreal, electromagnetic energies, but not in “surviving personalities.” Yet, he still orders this giant “reverse energy” machine to “drain” the house of its evil before they even set out to research house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Dangerous diner parties, the insatiable Mrs. Barret, mirrored ceilings and kick ass Satan statues everywhere - this house seems pretty great, actually.

The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires - A blast to watch, but not truly great. Unfortunately, I’ve only seen the edited version (The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula) that mixes up the beginning for no real reason and wonder how much better the original cut might be. Still, vampires! Kung Fu! Peter Cushing! 3 out of 5 pumpkins.


Let the Right One In - Beautiful and terribly haunting. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Likely the best horror movie this generation will get.

Let Me In - Surprising good. Unnecessary, yes. But still good. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: I once watched an *ahem* found copy of Matt Reeves‘s Dawn of the Planet of the Apes without the ape subtitles and thought it was a brave choice to make the audience sympathize with the common humanity among our species. I was also pretty high.

Life After Beth - Jeff Baena‘s horror comedy features a terrific Aubrey Plaza, but Dane DeHaan’s character leaves a lot to be desired. It seems like the film is trying to save something about life, love, and family, but never finds its voice. A fine, funny movie to watch on a rainy afternoon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Lifeforce - Directed by Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and written by Dan O'Bannon (Alien) is a film the suffers from “the disease of more.” The entire concept of space vampires is rad as hell, but a $25 million budget and a 70 mm production couldn’t save what ends up being a boring trod and a jumbled ending that somehow makes major city destruction tiring. Though, to be fair, this was well before Independence Day. Colin Wilson, author of the original source material, said it was the worst movie he has ever seen. I wouldn’t go that far, but during a special 70 mm screening, the theater host chastised the audience in advance to not make fun of the movie during the showing because it was “a great film.” Reader, it is not. But Mathilda May looks real good naked and there are a couple cool, gory shots. So, there’s that. I guess. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Patrick Stewart is in this for all of like 10 minutes, but is still listed as a main character.

The Lighthouse - From The Witch’s Robert Eggers, this film is objectively a great work of art. Brooding, stark, and compelling performances from Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson—all the elements add up into a unique and disturbing experience. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. All that said, in the same way I consider Death Spa a 2 pumpkin movie you should see, this is a 4 pumpkin movie you could probably skip. It’s not entertaining in the traditional sense, and likely not one you’d want to really ever see again. The Eggers brothers made something weirdly niche and it’s fine if it stays that way.

Little Evil - A serviceable comedy that isn’t all that scary or even gory, which is a disappointment considering Eli Craig’s Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was so good. There are a few nods to famous horror movies that make a handful of scene enjoyable, but otherwise it’s purely background material. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Little Monsters - A Hulu original that’s pretty fun, if ultimately standing on the shoulders of giants like George A. Romero and Edgar Wright. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Lizard in a Woman's Skin - Lucio Fulci’s erotic mystery starts out with groovy sex parties and hallucinations, but quickly gets dull in the middle with extended scenes of psychological assessment, only to wind up where we all started. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Lodge - A good exercise in isolation horror that, while a bit slow, ratchets up the tension and horror with each act. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn kids.

The Lost Boys - A fun, campy 80s vampire flick you’ve likely heard of or even seen. I get why it’s cemented in popular culture, but at the end of the day it’s a Joel Schumacher film with a silly plot. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Love Witch - Somewhere between earnest satire and homage, The Love Witch is a well-crafted throwback to 1960s schlock. Weaving in contemporary gender critique, the film is more than just a rehash of its sexual fore-bearers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Mandy (2018) - Like watching a bad trip from afar, Beyond the Black Rainbow director Panos Cosmatos (son of the Tombstone director) pulls off a trippy, dreadful film that starts out with story that follows logic and consequence before giving over to the full weirdness of Nicholas Cage’s uniquely unhinged style of acting. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Jóhann Jóhannsson’s score is superb.

Midsommar - Though not as good as Aster’s Hereditary, Midsommar sticks with you longer. Eerie throughout and disturbing, but not frightening in the traditional sense, it’s no surprise this film seems to split viewers into devoted fans and downright haters. Florence Pugh’s performance is wonderful and the scenes of drugged-out dread are far better than what was attempted in Climax. Some critics have called the film muddled and shallow, and certainly the “Ugly American” character fits in the later, but I found it to be a remarkably clear vision compared to the jumbled ending of Hereditary. That said, it’s not a scary movie, it’s simply unnerving. Should a male director and writer be the one to tell this tale? Probably not. But it’s not wholly unredemptive. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first gave this film 3 pumpkins, but the more I think about it, the more it lingers. That counts for something. One more pumpkin to be exact.

Mimic - Without del Toro’s name attached, perhaps this movie wouldn’t be judged so harshly. Yet, though the shadowy, lingering shots he’s know for give a real sense of darkness to the picture, it’s a chore to sit through and is especially frustrating toward the end. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Mist - Watch the black and white version, which adds an ol’ timey feel to this Lovecraftian tale from Steven King and makes always-outdated CGI a bit more palpable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Monster (2016) - From The Strangers Bryan Bertino, this monster movie that ties in a trouble mother/daughter relationship doesn’t ever overcome its limitations and poor character decisions that get protagonists in deeper trouble. Zoe Kazan does what she can to carry the role. Not bad, but not much below the surface. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Monsters (2010) - A slow-burn that relies on its actors to push the suspense of a road-trip-style plot, leaving the special effects for subtle and beautiful moments. Arguably more of a sci-fi thriller than a true horror flick, it’s still worth viewing if you’re looking for something spooky. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

mother! - Like many of Aronosky’s films, mother! is difficult to define by genre. Though not a typical haunted house film, the bloody, unsettling aspects make it more than a typical psychological thriller. Haunting in a similar fashion of Black Swan, yet broader in theme like The Fountain, this movie is challenging, disturbing and frustrating in the sense that, as a mere viewer, you’re left feeling like there’s something you’ll never fully understand despite being beaten over the head. An not-so-subtle allegory about love, death, creation, mankind, god, and the brutality women must endure, it’s a hideous reminder that, upon even the briefest reflection, life’s cosmic journey is macabre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ms. 45 - Ahead of its time, especially considering the unfortunate “rape revenge” sub-genre that seemed to cater to male fantasy than female empowerment. Still, it’s slow build and random scenes toward the finale leave it wanting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Oh, the knife is a dick. I get it. 

Murder Party - A bit like Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, but for New York art kids. Even for being a horror comedy, there’s only like 20 minutes of horror, which is too bad as there’s material to mine instead of a prolonged rooftop chase scene. If this was a studio production, it’d probably just get 2 pumpkins, but given it’s $200k budget and at-the-time unknown cast, it’s a solid first feature for Jeremy Saulnier and Macon Blair, who went on to make some truly great films. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

National Lampoon’s Class Reunion - Flat out awful; neither a comedy nor a horror. Writer John Hughes claims he was fired from production, though that doesn’t hold much water considering he’s credited as “Girl with bag on head” and went on to write several other Lampoon movies. Director Michael Miller didn’t make another feature film for almost thirty years, which wasn’t long enough. 0 out of 5 pumpkins.

Near Dark - Kathryn Bigelow‘s sophomore film is hampered by its ultimate ending, but the story is original and well produced. Even Bill Paxton’s over-the-top performance is enjoyable. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worst. Vampire. Ever.

The Neon Demon - A spiritual successor to Suspiria, this film from Drive director Nicolas Winding Refn is beautifully shot, but ultimately empty. While both Jena Malone and Keanu Reeves breathe life into their small roles, the cast of models rarely shine. The horrific ending goes a step too far without lingering long enough to truly shock. Though much better than the extremely similar Starry Eyes, it’s difficult to give this film a higher rating. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching for a couple standout scenes. 

Night of the Living Dead - Viewed today the film seems almost tame, but in 1968 it was lambasted for being too gorey and sparked calls for censorship. And to its credit, there wasn’t anything else like it at the time. Romero’s incredibly small budget, Duane Jones‘s great performance, and the film’s unintended symbolism make its success all the more impressive. Kudos to MoMA and The Film Foundation for restoring this important piece of cinema history. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I argue this is a sci-fi film, if you think about it.

A Night to Dismember (The "Lost" Version) - This version appeared on YouTube in the summer of 2018, decades after it was originally filmed. The version that was released in 1989 on VHS, and later in 2001 on DVD, was entirely re-shot with adult film actress Samantha Fox after a disgruntled processing employee destroyed the original negatives. The re-shoot gave the released version of movie its “sexplotation” vibe that director Doris Wishman was know for producing, but he original version is more of a straight-forward psychotic slasher movie with only a scene of campy nudity and stars Diana Cummings, instead of Fox. Gone is the striptease, sex hallucinations, detective character, and asylum plot that were slapped together in the released version, leaving a still somewhat jumbled story of a young woman who goes on a killing spree after becoming possessed by her dead mother, who died in pregnancy, leaving her an orphan. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Poor Mary. Poor Vicki.

Nightmare on Elm Street - Why this movie sparked a generations-long series is almost as puzzling as how Children of the Corn pulled it off as well. The movie flat out ignores basic storytelling devices. Recalling the overall plot, you’re not even sure if the main character is better off alive or dead, given the horrifying reality she already exists within. Consider this: Her father is an authoritarian cop leading the world’s worse police force and her mother is a drunk, possessive vigilante arsonist. University doctors are so inept they focus solely on Colonial-era medicine to the point of ignoring a metaphysical phenomenon, believing teenage girls are attention-starved enough to smuggle hats embroidered with a dead child-killer’s name inside their vaginas to a sleep deprivation study. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. So much for the classics. At least this gave us the future gift of inspiring Home Alone-style defense antics.

Not of This Earth (1988) - This film, and I mean that artistically, was made because the director, Jim Wynorskin, bet he could remake the original on the same inflation-adjusted budget and schedule as the 1957 version by Roger Corman. Traci Lords makes her non-adult film debut and is a better actor than the rest of the cast combined. The gem isn’t so bad it’s good, it’s so godawful it’s incredible. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I was looking for the trashiest horror movie on Netflix, and I believe I have found it.

One Cut of the Dead - Know as little as possible going into this one. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s impossible to not enjoy this film.

One Dark Night - Starts out interesting, but quickly gets forgetable even with the central location of a haunted cemetery. Worth putting on the background. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Aaaaaadddaaaammmm Weeeeessssst.

The Others - Well-paced, nicely shot, superior acting by Nicole Kidman, ominous tone through out, great ending. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. One of my personal favorites.

Pan's Labyrinth - del Torro’s best work, combining the tinges of war dread and the fantastical elements that would go on to be a key part of his other films. Pale Man is one of the creepiest monsters to ever be captured on screen. Perhaps the biggest horror is that though you’ll cheer for the anarchists, the historical fact is that the Nationalists won and established a dictatorship for nearly forty years. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. No god, no country, no master.

The People Under the Stairs - When the main character of a horror movie would be better placed in a zany after-school sitcom, the entire story is bound to fail. Little did I know how far. Twin Peaks actors aside, the rest of the this movie is so convoluted and poorly explained that it made me hate Panic Room somewhat less. They can't all be winners. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. At the end of this movie, a house explodes and money rains down on poor, mostly black people. Thanks, Wes Craven!

Pet Sematary (2019) - Uninspiring, uneven, and mostly uneventful. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Poltergeist - If you haven't seen this Steven Speilberg produced & written, but not directed horror movie, it's worth a modern viewing. Original, yet tinged with all the classic elements of fear, this movie manages to tug on the heartstrings like a family-friendly drama while still being creepy as hell. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The best, most expensive Holiday Inn commercial ever made.

Pontypool - Good, but not as great as hyped. Characters are introduced haphazardly and the explanation for the horror barely tries to make sense. Still, not bad for a movie with essentially three characters stuck in a single location. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Possession (1981) - Described by some die-hard horror fans as a “must see,” I guess I agree. It’s by no means a masterpiece, but it’s bizarre enough to take the time to check out. It’s a sort of Cold War psychological horror as if written by Clive Barker and directed by David Cronenberg. Of course that comparison is necessary for American readers, but Polish director Andrzej Żuławski is an art-house favorite, whose second film was banned by his home government, causing him to move to France. Often panned for “over acting,” Isabelle Adjani actually won best actress at Cannes in 1981. Though, you may find one particular scene as if Shelley Duvall is having a bad acid trip. Part of the appeal of seeing this film is the difficulty in finding a copy. The DVD is out of print, and the new Mondo Blu-ray is limited to 2,000 copies at $70 a piece. Good luck. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re looking for something weird and very European, seek it out.

Prometheus - Perhaps because Ridley Scott’s return the franchise was expected to be such a welcome refresher after the abysmal failures of others in the series, this one was a pretty big let down. Though there are some cool concepts and frightening scenes, there are anger-inducing plot mistakes and zero sympathetic characters. Michael Fassbender’s performance is terrific, yet not enjoy to be an enjoyable view. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Psycho - Not as great at The Birds, but still one of the best. The superb shots, painfully slow clean up of the first kill, it’s no wonder why the film is landmark for horror. Anthony Perkins is tremendous. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Remember when Gus Van Sant remade this shot-for-shot for literally no reason and lost $30 million? It’s like he has to make one really terrible bomb after each critical hit and then crawl back again.

Pumpkinhead - The production quality of this 80s horror flick is surprisingly high, especially the Henson-like monster. Long story short - asshole dude bro accidentally kills hick kid, hick father calls up demon to seek revenge. All in all, not a bad movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Given the title, the monster's head in this movie is shockingly not very pumpkin-like. Boo.

A Quiet Place - John Krasinski gets a lot of credit for playing a well-intentioned father, which is an easier bridge to his well-known character from The Office, rather than a military member, like in many of his other projects. Emily Blunt is wonderful as is Millicent Simmonds. The creatures are scary, reminiscent of The Demogorgon in Stranger Things, and the plot is decent, even without much of an ending. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really want to enjoy this film as much as I did. It seemed too “mainstream.” And, it is. But it’s also a well-executed, well-acted, well-produced product, which is much more difficult to pull off than it sounds. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth recommending to friends who aren’t even horror fans.

Rabid - No where near the level of Cronenberg’s best or even his subsequent film The Brood, but still very good. Apparently Cronenberg wanted Sissy Spacek to play the lead, but was shot down by the producers. Obviously Marilyn Chambers was selected to play up the porn star angle in the hopes of greater marketing for the indie, horror film out of Canada, but she does a great job in her first mainstream role. If you like any Cronenberg has done, you should watch this one. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Raw - A terrific coming-of-age, sexual-awakening, body-horror film that manages to retain its heart even as it pushes the limits. One of the best horror movies of the last decade. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Nom-nom.

Re-Animator - Creepy actor Jeffrey Combs is also in The Frighteners, which makes it a good nod in that flick. "Say hello to these, Michael!" When you see it, you'll get it. What can be said of this movie? It's crazy. It's great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Gory, campy, funny and scary all at once, a definite classic.

Ready or Not - I wouldn’t go so far as to call this movie “clever,” but it’s certainly better than its absurd premise. Samara Weaving’s performance is really the only thing that keeps people watching. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Killing all the attractive help is played off as a joke, but . . . it’s not? At least rich people die.

Repulsion - After having to listen to her sister being drilled by some limey prick night after night in their shared apartment and a series of unwanted street advances triggers her past trauma, a young woman rightfully kills a stalker turned home intruder and her rapist landlord. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Return of The Living Dead  - This movie doesn’t give a wink and nod to horror tropes, it reaches out of the fourth wall to slap you in the face to create new ones. There’s an entire character that is just naked the whole movie. I understand that just because it’s a joke it doesn’t mean it’s not still sexist. But, also, you know, boobs. 4 out 5 pumpkins. What was created as camp became the foundation for modern zombies.

Return of the Living Dead III - A love story of sorts that takes a more series turn than the original. At first, I didn’t enjoy the uneven balance of camp and earnestness, but it oddly grows on you. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching to see what you think.

The Ritual - A Netflix original that is better than it needs to be about regret, trauma, and fear that gets right into the action and wraps fairly satisfying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Rosemary's Baby - If you're looking for a sure party killer this October, put on this number and watch your guests fall asleep! Often forgot, the beginning and end of Rosemary's Baby are terrifying, expertly filmed scenes of dread, but the middle is a two-hour wink to the film's conclusion revolving around an expectant mother. Still, few other films can capture fear the way Polanski's does; all the more impressive that it stands up today. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. If you haven't seen this film, you owe it to yourself to watch it this season.

Scanners - Cronenberg’s 1981 film feels like a much more successful version of what De Palma attempted with The Fury. Dark, paranoid, and ultra-gory in key scenes, Scanners isn’t quite the perfect sci-fi horror, but it’s damn close. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Scream - For a movie that birthed an annoying amount of sequels and spoofs, it's sort of sad that Wes Craven's meta-parody ended up creating a culture of the very movies he was trying to rail against. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching again, even if you saw it last year.

Sea Fever - A good, but not great, tense thriller on sea. Plus, an important lesson in quarantine. Ultimately, it doesn’t go far enough to present its horror. A well-made, and even well-paced film with a limited cast and sparse special effects, though. There’s nothing explicitly “wrong” as the movie progresses, but a tighter script and bigger ratcheting of the horror could have made it a classic. The ending is kinda cheesy the more I think about it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Could’ve used a sex scene with some impending doom is all I’m saying!

The Sentinel - I really wanted to love this one. Downstairs lesbians! Birthday parties for cats! Late 70s New York! Alas, its shaky plot and just baffling lack of appropriate cues make it mostly a jumbled mess only worth watching if that slow-burn 70s horror aesthetic is your thing. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shallows - Mostly a vehicle for Blake Lively’s launch from TV to the big screen, this movies isn’t particularly good or bad. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The shark has a powerful vendetta against Lively. What did she do?!

Shaun of the Dead - First in Three Flavours Cornetto, some of the jokes don’t land as well as they did in 2004, but still a great spin on the zombie genre with loads of laughs and a bit of heart. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shining - The pinnacle of the form. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. "So why don't you start now and get the fuck outta here!" Harsh, but come on, Wendy kinda sucks.

Shivers - Cronenberg’s 1975 shocker flick is . . . fine. You certainly get to see how some of his body horror themes started. Cronenberg himself seems to see it as more of a film to watch to understand what not to do as a young director. If you’re a completist, definitely check it out. Otherwise just skip to 1977′s Rabid, if you’re looking for Cronenberg’s earlier work. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Not bad considering it was shot in two weeks.

Silent Night, Deadly Night - Whoo, boy. This one’s a ride. A decidedly anti-PC flick that caused calls for boycotts when it was first released, this movie is full of assault and uncomfortable situations. It’s also hilarious, gory, and worth watching in a large group. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Punish.

Sleepaway Camp - I must be missing something, because like Children of the Corn, I can’t understand why this movie became a cult-classic. A guy who openly talks about wanting to rape children is gruesomely maimed, so there’s that? I guess. A couple of these “kids” are definitely 34, while others are 14. Is this the basis for Wet Hot American Summer? I don’t know or care. 2 out 5 pumpkins. Just watch Friday the 13th.

Slither - Almost on the level of other spoofs, but with a few groan-worthy moments. Definitely one to watch if looking for something fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not for the bug fearing.

The Slumber Party Massacre - Rita Mae Brown wrote this movie as a parody of the slasher genre that spawned so many Halloween copycats. It’s a bit unfortunate that we didn’t get her version. Author of pioneering lesbian novel Rubyfruit Jungle, Brown’s script was turned into a more straight-forward flick, giving the movie some baffling humor, like when one of the girls decides to eat the pizza from the dead delivery boy, and some untended humor, like the Sylvester Stallone issue of Playgirl. Lesbians undertones still prevail, as do lingering shots of gratuitous nudity, and enough phallic symbolism to write a paper about. All in all, a fun, albeit uneven movie with pretty decent dialogue. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: Director Amy Holden Jones got her start as an assistant on Taxi Driver, passed on editing E.T. after Roger Corman offered to finance early filming for her directorial debut, and later went on to write Mystic Pizza, Beethoven, Indecent Proposal, and The Relic. Bonus fact: Playgirl was able to get nude photos of Stallone based on his first movie The Party at Kitty and Stud’s (aka The Italian Stallion), for which Stallone was reportedly paid $200 to star in during a period in his life when he was desperate and sleeping in a New York bus station.

The Slumber Party Massacre II - If the first movie was a knock-off of Halloween, this is a bizarre rip-off of The Nightmare on Elm Street with a rockabilly twist. It’s hard to tell if this is a parody or a sort of musical vehicle for the Driller Killer, who—to his credit—is somehow almost charismatic enough to it pull off. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Somehow the weirdest movie I’ve ever watched.

The Slumber Party Massacre III - A return to form, in some respects. All the elements of the original are there: a slumber party, gratuitous nudity, a drill. But the driller killer’s poor-man’s Patrick Bateman character quickly becomes tired. Not terrible for a slasher flick, but not very good either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. How many lamps to the head can Ken take? 

Species - If I asked you to name a movie staring Sir Benjamin Kingsley, Alfred Molina, Forest Whitaker and Michelle Williams, would you guess Species? No, no you fucking wouldn't. We all know Species, but I, like most, erased it from my memory. This was helpful for two reasons: first because for about the first half of the movie, you think there might be a decent flick happening - baring some obvious flaws of a blockbuster. Second because - holy shit - you get to see a ton of naked breasts in this movie, like way more than I remember. Unfortunately, about halfway through Species someone must have come in and realized having the B-squad Scully & Mulder be one step behind every instinct killing was boring as shit, and flashing tits every 20 mins wasn't going to hack it. Whatever Hollywood dickbag crafted this turd failed to realize the casting of the actor forever known as Bud from Kill Bill is the only white, macho-postering character that morons want to root for. And so we get a squint-faced protagonist getting blow jobs from a coworker scientist and an ending dumber than the boob tentacles he should have been strangled with. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There are worse horror movies, but there are also much better ones.

Starry Eyes - A thinly-veiled critique on Hollywood’s abusive history with actresses, the movie starts out well, but lags in the third act before a gruesome finale. Sort of a low-rent Mulholland Drive. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out for that barbell, Ashley. 

The Stuff - Odd, mostly because of its uneven tone. Like if The Blob, The Live, and Canadian Bacon raised a baby and that disappointed its parents, like all babies eventually do. There are some good horror and comedic moments, but none of which make it great. The sound editing is remarkably bad, and the poor cuts make no sense given its scope. Oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Suspiria - More of a focus on set, sound, and color than characters, Suspiria is reminiscent of the Japanese classic House, but with a more straightforward story. The Italian director, English language, and German setting make for an interesting, offbeat feel that adds to the overall weirdness of the movie. One cringe worthy scene in particular makes up for its immediate lack of logic, and the soundtrack by Goblin stands up on its own. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sexist note: there’s a shocking lack of boobs given the subject matter.

Suspiria (2018) - Another in a long line of unnecessary remakes, though technically more of an homage. Luca Guadagnino’s version was supposedly developed for years alongside Tilda Swinton, who plays three different characters. Truthfully, without any attachment to the original, this could have been a muddled, but remarkable film. Thom Yorke’s score is perfect in certain scenes, yet detracting in others. The plot is similar in this manner. Some scenes are haunting and dense, but others needlessly detailed. The dance scenes are terrific, but weighed down by the larger war themes. The ending’s gore-fest is hampered by too much CGI, but still demonically fun. Fans of the original won’t find the weird, colorful elements to love, but it’s a good movie, albeit thirty minutes too long. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Taking of Deborah Logan - Good premise; found footage in the vein of Blair Witch Project of a demon possession disguised as Alzheimer’s disease. But, the movie can’t decide if it wants to stick to its foundation of a student documentary or veer into the studio-style editing and affects of theatrical release. Which is unfortunate as the former would have made it stand-out among a pack of mediocre ghost stories, while the later distracts from the setting it seeks to establish. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Teeth - A movie about the myth of vagina dentata could have been absolutely deplorable, but with the bar so low, Teeth does a pretty good job. Jess Weixler is a functional actress, not necessarily stand-out, but certainly far better than the role requires. Trying to tightrope walk between comedy and horror is never a task a creator should set out upon without a clear vision. Unfortunately, this one seems a bit blurry. One its release, Boston Globe said the movie “runs on a kind of angry distrust toward boys.” Not bad advice. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Terrifier - Do you want to see a naked woman hung upside down and sawed from gash to forehead? Then this is the movie for you. That’s it. There’s not much else here. Gino Cafarelli is good as the pizza guy. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The clown is scary, though.

The Terror - A classic haunted throwback from Roger Corman, but without the nudity and gore his later work is infamous for. A young Jack Nicholson proves he was always kind of a prick. Boris Karloff does his best. The plot is pretty boring, but it’s a decent movie that you might stumble upon on a lazy afternoon on cable TV. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Tobe Hooper’s 1974 persuasive argument for vegetarianism is just as terrifying today as it was when it was released. Just as Halloween launched a thousand imitators, the hues and low angles in this film set the standard for horror for years and, unfortunately, laid the groundwork for more exploitative movies offered referred to as “torture porn.” Though gory, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s sense of weird dread is established well before the chainsaw rips, and though many have tried to follow in its footsteps, none have captured the lighting that adds to the overall queasy moments of the film. There’s a kind of simplistic beauty to such unexplained brutality, and perhaps because it was first, all others since haven’t seemed as artistically valuable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. So, umm, what do you think happened to the Black Maria truck driver?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) - The only decent carry over from this remake is John Larroquette as the narrator. Over-washed tones, over-the-top gore and unsympathetic characters make this film more than unnecessary, placing among the worst horror remakes of all time. Robert Ebert gave it one of his rare 0 stars, reserved for works he found genuinely appalling such as I Spit On Your Grave, The Human Centipede 2, and most infamously John Waters’s Pink Flamingos. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

They Live - “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… And I'm all out of bubblegum." 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Thing - Trying to give this film an honest review is almost impossible. Cast out on its release for being too bizarre and gory, Carpenter’s nihilist tale has since come to be seen as a masterpiece for its special effects, bleak tone, and lasting impact on other creators. Is it perfect? No, but it’s damn close. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. MacReady’s assimilated. Deal with it.

Train to Busan - A bit too predictable, but a solid, well-paced zombie action flick that’s smarter than most American blockbusters from Korean director Yeon Sang-ho, who is better known for his semi-autobiographical animated features. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil - I really didn't expect much out of this movie, but it's actually really, really funny and a really gory spoof. Not quite on the scale of The Cabin in the Woods, but still pretty damn great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you don't think people getting hacked up by a chainsaw in certain contexts can be funny, then this probably ain't your bag.

Twins of Evil - An enjoyable, somewhat smutty vampire movie from the famous British studio Hammer Films, staring Peter Cushing and Playboy Playmates the Collinson twins. Directed by John Hough, who also directed The Legend of Hell House, the film doesn’t break any new ground and is loaded with over-acting, but it’s well-paced, wonderfully set, and generally fun to watch, where the Puritan witchfinders are just as horrible as the vampires. Not as great as Black Sunday, but still worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Let Joachim speak, you racists.

Under the Skin - Mesmerizing and haunting. The less you know going into this film the better. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Quite possibly Scarlett Johansson’s best work.

Under the Silver Lake - Technically a “comedic neo-noir,” whatever the fuck that means; in any case David Robert Mitchell (It Follows) tries to do too much over too long of a run time. Andrew Garfield gives a decent performance, especially considering he’s in almost every frame of the film. But the edge-of-subtly that made It Follows so modern and terrifying is replaced by a silk, wandering, and heavy-handed stroll through the powerful Los Angeles entertainment Illuminati. Certainly there’s material there, but instead of being a radical stab at the very real institutions of pop-culture that treat young women as nothing more than disposable meat, we drift in and out of a young man’s lust that revels in objectification without the sleazy charm of exploitation flicks or the critical eye of outright satire. Even the eerily presence of the Owl Woman can’t level-up what is an exercise in arrested development for hipsters. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Despite this negative review, Mitchell still has plenty of potential to make another great film. Whether he deserves that chance is different question.

Us - Jordan Peele’s second film is even better than his great debut. Us isn’t perfect, but hints at what Peele could create in the future. Unnecessary explanation and slightly oddly timed humor are present, like in Get Out, but more restrained. Peele’s talent for making modern horror accessible to the widest audience is laudable. Still, I can’t wait to see what he makes two or three films down the road. I suspect more than one could come close to equaling that of Kubrik’s The Shinning. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. 

Vampire’s Kiss - Is it a horror? Is it a comedy? Is it a parody? Drama? This movie truly defies genre due to the inexplicable acting choices made by Nicholas Cage. His odd affectation doesn’t change from sentence to sentence, but word to word. It’s like he’s trying to play three different characters across three different acts all at once. Is it good? Not really. But, I mean, see it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Vampyros Lesbos - After vigorous encouragement from my academic colleagues, I decided to watch this 1971 Spanish-German film for, umm, science. Shot in Turkey and staring the tragic Soledad Miranda, Jesús Franco’s softcore horror jumps right into full-frontal nudity and attempts a sort of story involving Count Dracula that moves forward through uninteresting monologues and shaky camera work. It’s not awful, but there’s no reason to watch it. If it was playing in the background at a dive bar, it might have a tinge of charm. Other than some close moments of near-unapologetic queer sex, despite being created almost entirely for the male gaze, it’s just another in the pile of European exploitation. Still, it’s fun to daydream about Istanbul being ruled by a dark-haired demonic lesbian; beats the hell out of what we have in our reality. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The soundtrack found renewed fame in 1990′s Britain, causing it to finally find distribution into America.

The Vault - A serviceable, but ultimately boring horror take on a bank heist that tries to hard to end with a twist. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

V/H/S - Every review I've seen for this movie is generally positive, but that only reaffirms my belief that most people are easily pleased by unintelligent, unoriginal bullshit. A Blair Witch-style story-within-a-story collection of shorts, I couldn't get past the first borderline date-rape, little-girl, sexually confused, monster story. Fuck this trope. Fuck this movie. The much delayed glorification of grisly murder of the offending male villains is hardly radical and only further supports the stereotypes of patriarchy much as it attempts to subvert a worn genre. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. I hate the world.

Videodrome - Cronenberg’s best film. James Woods’s best role; it’s a shame that he’s total piece of shit in real life. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Long live the new flesh.

The Wailing - Despite clocking in at over two and half hours, this part zombie/part demon horror movie from Korean director Na Hong-jin isn’t a slow burn, but rather an intriguing maze of twists and turns as the main character (and audience) struggles to find the truth about a mysterious, murderous diseases sweeping through a small village. Actor Do-won Kwak gives an especially captivating performance. Though the ending packs a powerful punch, the overlapping lies and half-truths told over the course of the film makes it a bit difficult to suss out the evil roots. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

We Are Still Here - What sets out as a slowly paced ghost story turns into something of a gore-fest towards the ends, which doesn’t make it bad so much out of place. 3 out fo 5 pumpkins. Could’ve been a contender.

We Are What We Are - A remake of Jorge Michel Grau’s 2010 film, the American version takes its time getting to the horror before going a step too far at the end. Still, the ever-present knowledge that you’re watching a cannibal film makes some of predictable moments all-the-more horrifying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare - The novel charm of Craven’s meta Freddy saga has worn with age. Heather Langernkamp is passable, but not enough to carry the film and Robert Englund out of makeup shatters the pure evil illusion of his character. Interesting to see some of the ideas that would later synthesize in Scream, but otherwise kind of a bore. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Witch: A New-England Folktale - A deeply unsettling period-piece that reflects on American religion and its violent fear of feminine power. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Trust no goat.

The Witches - Roald Dahl’s story is ultimately crushed by a changed ending, however, Nicolas Roeg‘s adaptation up to that point is a fun, creepy movie people of any age can enjoy. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s really a shame the original ending was changed.

Wolfcop - When a movie’s title promises so much, maybe it’s not fair to judge. But there’s so much campy potential in a werewolf cop picture that it’s kind of a bummer to see it executed at level that makes you wonder if it wasn’t made by high school kids whose favorite movie is Super Troopers. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. God, the movie’s horrible.

The World’s End - The final chapter in the Three Flavours Cornetto and the best, showcasing a wealth of talent at the top of their game. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

XX - Admittedly, I don’t care much for the recent spring of short horror anthologies. Rarely do they have enough time to build the necessary suspense horror movies require. Still, two of the shorts are OK, one is pretty good, and one is bad. So, not a total loss. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

You’re Next - Home-invasion horror as never been my cup of hippie tea as it feeds into the 2nd Amendment hero fantasy of American males. That said, this dark-comedy take on it isn't bad. Some things don’t really add up. For example: Are you telling me that the deep woods home of a former defense corporation employee doesn’t have a single gun stashed somewhere? Bullshit. Anyway, who doesn’t want to see a rich family’s bickering dinner interrupted by a gang of psycho killers? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus rating: 6 out of 10 would fuck in front of their dead mother. (Sorry, mom.)

Zombeavers - No one would say this is a good movie, but it also doesn’t take itself too seriously. Not at funny as Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, and certainly more formulaic, this one’s only worth watching if you’re bored. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Zombi 2 - Lucio Fulci’s unofficial sequel to Dawn of the Dead is one of his best films. But even though Fulci crafted some of the best zombies to ever appear on screen—filmed in the bright, Caribbean sun, the film suffers, as most of his do, from some unnecessary, borderline confusing plot points and poor dubbing. Still, well worth watching on a lazy day, especially for the final act, when the protaganists fight off a zombie hoard inside a burning church. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: topless scuba diving zombie shark fight, which is also my new DJ name.

[lorem-text]

The Hidden Gems of Los Angeles

There’s no keeping secrets in a city fixated on discovering the next big thing. But Los Angeles always stretches past the horizon, so vast that the other side of the 405 feels like unfamiliar territory no matter where you are. So, from a chandelier tree to a flamboyant underground supper club, tonight we’re turning our attention to 8 hidden gems in the City of Angels that elude most guidebooks but are definitely worth checking out.

The Chandelier Tree

What started as one man’s gift to his neighborhood has become a must-see.  The century-old camphor hung with 34 vintage fixtures has  hosted engagements and weddings, as well as countless date nights and shoots for brides, fashion models and music videos, but it’s an easy attraction to miss if you don’t have an Angelino to bring it to your attention.

The Bronson “Bat” Caves

Channel your inner Batman at this old quarry which has been a filming location for dozens of films and television shows, including the original Batman series! The Bronsin Caves are the man-made results of gravel quarrying done by the Union Rock Company in Griffith Park at the the beginning of the 20th century, and although you won’t find them in most guidebooks, countless Angelinos visit them every day to let out their inner noire vigilante.

The caves rose more in popularity in 2013 thanks to an innovative photography project by L.A. based photographer Brice Bischoff.  The project is comprised of a series of long exposures in which brightly colored sheets of paper are moved in and out of the frame in a controlled manner, creating a colorful miasma emerging from the darkness of the caves. The results, as pictured above, are breathtaking.

The Wayfarers Chapel

The Wayfarers Chapel in Rancho Palos Verdes feels like a coastal oasis! Designed by Lloyd Wright as a “tree chapel,” it is set among a stand of redwoods with elegant windows that blend the spaces to create the sensation of being both outside and inside. So if you’re the type to enjoy spending a few hours in quiet contemplation or meditation while surrounded by the beauty of nature, this is the place for you. Just make sure to come by very early or very late, as thsi peaceful chappel is usually swarming with tourists from high noon to nightfall.

The Old Place

The Old Place restaurant nestled in the Santa Monica Mountains near Agoura Hills is a memorable stop for hearty food like chicken dumpling soup, its steamed clams (which are a must and plentiful enough to share), and its famous sirloin steak.

Founded by actor Tom Runyon, the Old Place looks something like a frontier saloon with its weathered boards, porch where guests go to smoke or enjoy the quiet, 20-foot bar and five booths with high sides and built-in benches. There are a few small tables jammed together at the back, and the restaurant’s walls are decorated with vintage photos of the area and memorabilia, including write-ups of the restaurant in the old days.

However, The Old Place does come with a downside.

Due to its size, it only has 5 booths and three tables so reservations are usually for 4 or more only, and even with the 30’ long antique bar down the center of the restaurant serves as a giant dining table, the place can feel crammed when there’s too many people.   Fortunately, the Cornell Winery & Tasting room is next door, so you can enjoy a nice visit there while waiting to be seated.

Disco Dining Club

According to its website, ‘Disco Dining Club is a thematic food and drink event that revels in all the excess, debauchery, and hedonism of disco’.

An ode to food, art, excess and getting weird, the irreverent, theatrical supper club replicates the mystique and debauchery—and especially the wild costumes and forthright sexuality—of the surrealist’s own fetes. The multicourse meal is prepped by a rotating cast of L.A. chefs, and tickets disappear faster than will your amuse-bouche. 

Installments -each centered around a different historical era, artistic movement, or iconic piece of culture- include DJ sets, costumed actors, dance parties, open bars, live music, mimes, decadent bites, joint pairings and extravagant gift bags, all intended to recreate the colourful moments of the past through the lens of a theatrical dinner party.

In return, they ask but one thing of their guests: To Consume Everything.

Magic|Bar / Sushi Bar

Hidden in an Encino strip mall, you will find a place unlike anything else you will find in Los Angeles; a restaurant within a restaurant, where you can enjoy spectacural magic shows or incredible suchi depending on the day.

On Mondays and Tuesdays, head upstairs into gastropub Woodley Proper and enter the unmarked sliding wood door to find  Benjamin Schrader’s weekly  pop-up sleight-of-hand saloon.  There, the magic is intimate and happens just a few feet away, making each card trick all the more impressive. A dozen lucky patrons sip specially crafted cocktails and have their minds blown by a rotating roster of guest performers, all of whom, also are headlining magicians at the Magic Castle.  Decks are cut. Booze is imbibed. And poof! Just like that, at least for an hour or so, the outside world disappears. 

From Wednesday to Sunday, take the mall’s escalator to the second floor, look for a tiny brass plaque and ring the doorbell. You’ll be ushered into an intimate bar for a welcome cocktail, then led through the kitchen to the eight-seat sushi counter. There, you’ll find modern, decadent nigiri like truffle-topped chutoro, hamachi with sweet-corn pudding, and torched bone marrow. 

Part of a nesting-egg concept from Top Chef’s Phillip Frankland Lee, seats disappear fast at both concepts, so online reservations are a must.  

Restoration Hardware Rooftop

West Hollywood is well stocked with spectacular rooftop views—that is, if you can shell out for brunch, drinks or an overnight stay. But for seekers of alfresco views who’ve blown their entire budget on parking alone, try Restoration Hardware.

Yes, I know, but bear with me here.

If you’re tired after all that decor shopping, venture upstairs at its Melrose location and you’ll happen upon an open- air patio that’s a perfect spot for some R&R. Grab a comfy seat under a canopy of twinkle-light–wrapped olive trees and survey L.A.’s poshest hillsides.

To be clear, as a privately owned store, RH’s rooftop isn’t quite a public park, so don’t pack a picnic. But if you were to stroll up there with, say, a cup of coffee from Alfred and a magazine to flip through, well it just seems like an ideal place to...research your new patio-furnishing plans.

Lost Spirits Distillery

The Arts District is a maze of brick warehouses, but look for the one splashed with a mural of a woman in a top hat and you’ll find a bizarre booze experience that offers whimsy at every turn.

This reservation-only distillery tour feels more like a theme park, beginning with a chatty computer system, Tessa, who introduces the journey in the velvet-draped entry hall. Before you know it, you’re sampling high- octane rum and climbing aboard a raft, which floats you down a river that’s actually part of the distillery’s cooling system.

You’ll trek through jungles (rooms and halls lush with potted plants), hop on a time-travel merry-go-round (a dizzying floating platform) and visit the Island of Dr. Moreau (an H.G. Wells–inspired hideout), all while learning about—and tasting—the mad science of Lost Spirits’ process: a combination of heat, bright light and various wood chips that simulate (and expedite) the traditional barrel-aging process for rum, brandy and whiskey. 

The talking birds in the gift shop will try to sell you a few bottles, and, honestly, how can you say no to a talking bird?

[spideytorchbigbang]

2018 Second Art Claims

Due to interest and the number of artist sign-ups, we’re opening a second round of claims for the 2018 Spideytorch Big Bang. Because of how fast claims initially went, for the first 24 hours we’re only allowing artists who have not already claimed a story to illustrate to claim a summary. After the 24 hour hold is over, anyone who has signed up as an artist can claim a second fic if they wish. Thank you to all participants! 

Like with initial claims, to claim a fic please e-mail your first, second, and third picks to spideytorchbb@gmail.com, along with the e-mail and username you signed up with.

Summaries repeated under the cut:

ATLANTIS

Universe: 616

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

Warnings: Possible consent issues (The fic centers around Johnny entering into a fake relationship with Peter, who has not disclosed their secret identity–however Johnny quickly figures it out, but does not disclose that he knows), Namor-typical marriage proposals (i.e. Namor has a history of threatening to destroy New York if the person he has proposed to does not accept, so it should be at least considered coercive). Mild angst because Peter Parker can’t make anything easy.

Current wordcount: 12,000

Summary: When Spider-Man’s best friend Johnny Storm asks him for help in tactfully declining a marriage proposal from the King of Atlantis, Namor the Sub-Mariner, the only solution is for him to volunteer Daily Bugle photographer Peter Parker to pretend to be dating Johnny at the Engagement Banquet in Atlantis. Sure, it’s technically lying to his best friend about who Peter Parker is, but the important thing is that Johnny won’t have to marry Namor, and if Peter gets some photographs of Atlantis to sell, what’s the harm? Peter thought the most difficult thing about this scenario was going to be making sure Johnny didn’t figure out Peter is actually Spider-Man. Having to pretend he wasn’t actually falling in love with his best friend never crossed his mind.  

Featuring fake relationships, forced (almost) marriages, identity porn, traditional Atlantean clothing, overly-friendly octopi, a special appearance by Eugene, The Frog-Man, and a lot more emotional baggage than originally intended.

AVATAR

Universe: Legend of Korra AU.

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences, though, depending on how the next scenes unfold, might change it to Mature.

Warnings: Lots of Avatar references, Angst, jokes nobody will get, probably some violence.

Total wordcount: ca. 15k

Summary: Growing up together both Johnny and Peter were glad with the life they were given. They go to watch pro-bending matches together, practice Johnny’s firebending abilities and discover whether or not Peter should enter the spirit world. Then the Harmonic Convergence happens, Peter’s given airbending abilities and Johnny disappears. Sue seeks Peter hoping he will be able to help her find him. He is presented with his hardest choice yet: become the airbender Johnny said he could be, or go look for the one he secretly loved most of his live?

BOYFRIEND

Universe: AU

Rating: T

Warnings: a building burns down, underage drinking, minor PTSD, minor blackmailing, gay jokes + internalized homophobia (no outright or violent homophobia), love triangles, assumed infidelity

Current wordcount: 21,400

Summary: When Peter Parker saves Johnny Storm from a burning building, he makes a difficult choice: to reveal his face to him in order to make Johnny trust him so he can get them out of that building. It does the job and he figures that’s the last he’ll ever see of the kid, but on his first day of senior year, who should appear but the only person in the universe who knows his secret? Peter’s friends realize that Peter is behaving oddly as he attempts to avoid Johnny and Peter says the only thing he can think of, which is that he ad Johnny hooked up at a party over the summer. When Johnny finds out, he is amused and offers Peter a deal: they pretend to be in a relationship so that Johnny, who is new and only has one friend, will look like he’s popular and maybe popularity will follow. Tired of his own relationship drama, Peter agrees and somehow ends up starring in a school musical, going to Halloween parties, and developing feelings he definitely did not sign up for.

HORIZON

Universe: AU

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

Warnings: Temporary Character Death (of sorts)

Current wordcount: 12,100

Summary: When Peter gets caught up in a big science project, Johnny sees his best friend less and less–– and then not at all. Johnny finds himself standing outside of Horizon Labs one night, with no idea how or why he ended up there. He doesn’t think much of it at first, but things just keep getting weirder after that. He can’t shake off the feeling that he’s forgetting something important, but what? Alternatively: the one where Peter gets erased from existence and Johnny’s the only one who seems to notice that something’s wrong; and in Johnny’s quest to get Peter back, he discovers that New York City is in imminent danger.

INSTAGRAM

Universe: 616

Rating: Teen and Up

Warnings: Miscommunication, Secret Relationship, Social Media

Current wordcount: 12,000

Summary: Peter feels like things are finally going his way now that he and Johnny are in a relationship. One little problem: they have to keep things quiet. Peter thinks it’ll be a piece of cake. He’s maintained his secret identity for years, and CEO of Parker Industries is just one more mask. One thing he wasn’t expecting is Johnny nearly exposing him (figuratively and literally) with weaponized hashtags and a perfectly curated Instagram account. Peter has to sit through some awkward conversations, while also figuring out how to keep Johnny’s followers from finding out the identity of his new mystery man.

NEGATIVE ZONE

Universe: Canon AU from Fantastic Four #600

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Graphic Violence, Body Horror, Human Experimentation, Death, Bugs, PTSD

Current Wordcount: 12,500

Summary: On the list of things Johnny thought he’d be doing today, stopping a full scale invasion from the Negative Zone hadn’t even made the top ten, though, admittedly with his track record it probably should have. He’s just lucky Peter was here to help. They’d both made it through worse scrapes than this.  There was nothing to worry about…right?

Or: Johnny and Peter are trapped in the Negative Zone–a cruel place where Annilihus rules and you’re left with the choice to either fight or die.  Featuring gladiatorial battles, bug resurrections, revolution, and oh my god, they were prisonmates.  

NEW YORK

Universe: The Amazing Spider-Man (Webb movies)/Fantastic Four (2015)

Rating: Explicit

Current wordcount: 55,000

Warnings: Explicit consensual sex, canon typical violence including blood, canonical past major character death (Gwen Stacy and Franklin Storm), extensive depictions of grief/mourning, brief suicidal thoughts. Other pairings include past Peter/Gwen Stacy, brief past Peter/Harry Osborn, brief Johnny/OMC and brief past Johnny/Victor.

Summary: Central City, California, is beautiful, but it’s not where Johnny wants to be – and he’s not who he wants to be, either. Inspired by the recent return of Spider-Man, Johnny convinces the newly minted Fantastic Four to return to the Baxter Building, the site of the incident that gave them their powers. But not everything is what it seems, and worse yet, Spider-Man wants nothing to do with the Human Torch.

In the wake of Gwen’s death, Peter Parker has finally put the mask back on, but nothing’s the same as it once was, and the thrill has gone out of Spider-Man. The Fantastic Four’s arrival only makes everything worse. The Human Torch is good looking, he’ll give him that much, but Peter has no plans of making friends. But a series of strange attacks and a fateful encounter on the docks may not leave him much choice.

Set post-canon for The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) and Fantastic Four (2015). Johnny and Peter’s appearances are based on Michael B Jordan and Andrew Garfield. Fantastic Four (2015)’s Johnny is black and should be depicted so in the art.

STAR WARS

Universe: Star Wars AU

Rating: Teen

Warnings: Star Wars-typical violence, alcohol use, one scene of drunken making out where one of them is lying about who he is but prevents it from going further

Current wordcount: 14,000

Summary: Johnny is the younger brother of Susan Storm, first freely elected Senator of Alderaan. He’s working with Sue, Reed, and Ben to foil the plot of Senator Osborn, who intends to cement his growing hold over the galaxy with the help of a weapon being developed by Reed & his lab partner, Victor von Doom. Reed finds a rebel contact and plans a hand-off for the weapon. Meanwhile, outer rim pugilist Peter Par Ker is convinced by his ex-girlfriend Felicia Har'dee to take a courier job: transporting a stolen weapon from the Senatorial Gala to her own “rebel” contacts, by infiltrating the Gala in the guise of Johnny’s intended date. Featuring X-Men cameos, star wars curse words, and a much-too-convoluted combination of fake dating and assumed identity. Not featuring: a conflation of Spider-Man clones and Star Wars clones, but only because I’m saving it for the sequel.

VILLAIN

Universe: Villain! AU

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence. It’s canon-typical for the most part.  It would be canon-typical violence and descriptions of blood and cuts during and post fight scenes.

Current wordcount: 26,000.

Summary: Johnny knew the Spider-Man since he first moved to Manhattan. Well, he knew of him. He knew of the countless people who claimed to be mugged by the Spider-Man. Destruction and death has always been linked to his name, from Captain George Stacy to the District Attorney. And now, the deaths have turned into murders – with red spider tracers as a breadcrumbs. But when the so-called dangerous super villain saved Johnny from being mugged in Bryant Park as a teen, Johnny wonders if the Spider-Man is as bad as everyone suggest he is.

Years later, when the Spider-Tracer Murderer is in full swing and the Fantastic Four are a welcomed part of New York, Johnny runs into the Spider-Man again. This time, he’s determined to stop him. Maybe it’s because he knows his true identity. Or maybe it’s because Spider-Man stole Johnny’s favorite jacket. Either way, they both find themselves in more trouble when another villain attacks and attempts to kidnap them both.

Through lacerations, abrasions, and bruised egos, they found their way back to the Baxter Building and found themselves falling in love with each other. But Johnny feels a little uneasy when the Spider-Tracer murders start to pick up again – and targets villains that know about their relationship.

[sidrisa-blog]

Power and Magic

Read it here on AO3

Pairings: Loki x Reader and the lightest Sif X Thor

Chapter: 22/104  Interstitial

Warnings: the usual: sex, death, and violence with light smatterings of misogynoir

Summary: The princes come with their exalted Father arriving amidst a hail of pomp and pageantry all parties would rather forgo. This is war, where men die, their blood purchasing land and peace until it's time for more men and more blood. But your mother adheres to the old rules of hearth and hospitality. The Lords of Asgard must be given their due despite the grim business precipitating their arrival. It is too bad they don't deserve it. There is nothing to recommend him, Loki, Prince of Asgard. He is rude and cold and childish. You try to find some merit in him. You find none. Exactly none. But maybe, after trial and tribulation,

You will.

Niti sits on your bed like a mother waiting for a wayward daughter to return after curfew. Se’risa is with her, trying to affect that same look--and succeeding.

“Spill.” They say in unison.

With Niti you wouldn’t really have a problem divulging the truth of what went on after the bandits and before the trip home. But with Se’risa there…

“The last bandit pulled me from the saddle, he was going to kill me. But Loki arrived just in time to stop him.”

“And then what?” Niti asks.

“They probably had sex.” Se’risa answers far too frankly for a girl her age.

Niti snorts and explodes into giggles.

But you just want to sink into the floor, your face breaking into hopeless embarrassment before you have the time to summon a defense.

You sigh and pinch the girl’s cheeks. “Can you promise not to utter any of that to your friends?”

“I’d never tell your secrets!”

Niti rights herself, dabbing the corners of her eyes to stop her tears from smudging her makeup. “Since you’re smart enough with that look on your face to not deny it, did you enjoy yourself at least? What’s he like?”

Sensing an opportunity for payback, you shrug and make a noncommittal noise deflating both girls’ desire for the juicy details.

“Magic.” You say, disappearing to your bathing chamber.

**

“If you continue to make that stupid face I’ll melt it off you.”

The brothers are spending a rare moment of quiet together in Loki’s study, Thor pouring over the martial history of your kingdom while Loki reads a book on poetry. Thor reads, just not often, and never with him. Loki knows his brother, he came to talk, not read.

“What face?” Thor closes his book, stopping right in the middle of the Wars of Withstanding; a very, very long period of continuous warfare in which kingdoms outside of Asgard competed with each other and against your people for control of your land. A period that only ended with your mother and father a few centuries before you were born.

“That face.” Thor plays dumb, but Loki’s one of the few who knows his brother isn’t actually dumb, maybe a bit slower compared to his own intellect but definitely not dumb.

“I was only expressing marvel at the Princess’s history. Seems like they fought for ages trying to keep or win back their independence. It shows, she seems feisty.”

Loki smiles, remembering the look on your face as you near sliced him open to get him out of his clothes. “She is.”

“Aha! I knew it!” Thor slams his book in triumph. “I knew something was going on.”

“Congratulations.” Loki sneers, eyes never rising from his reading. “You have eyes.”

“Don’t play cute. You hated her not too long ago. What changed?”

“Nothing.”

“Liar.”

“Naturally.”

“You won’t tell your brother? I’m hurt.”

“Nothing to tell.”

“Oh, is that why mother has engaged a legion of seamstresses to make the Princess a dress in your colors? She wants grandchildren so badly she can almost hear them bleating.”

“Then she’ll have to settle for whatever bastards you have laying about.”

Thor gasps, mortally offended, rising from his chair ready to challenge his brother for his honor. “I have no such!”

Loki cackles. His brother’s dalliances are well known as much if not more so than his own. “That you know of.”

Thor’s face starts to match his cape around his ears and across the bridge of his nose. He sits grumbling, but launches one more parting shot.

“Well, since you’re so clearly not interested beyond the obvious you won’t mind then if I --”

Thor cannot finish his sentence before his brother flies from his seat, book forgotten, to tackle his brother to the ground. It’s a good natured tussle, no bruises or too much blood spilled, but Loki makes his point abundantly clear.

“Next time use your words, Silvertongue, instead of your fists to prove a point.”

Loki snarls, magicking away his brother’s black eye lest Frigga sees it and orders the both of them to clean the stables for fighting-- again .“I am reminded of Olga.”

“That...wasn’t..okay, that was my fault but still she was bad business for the both of us anyway. At least with the Princess, I was only jesting. I’d never come between you two. She’s like to geld me for trying anyway. They’re fiercely independent those horse folk.”

Loki laughs and extends his hand to help his brother off the floor. “That she is.”

“She’s special to you little brother. And I’m happy for you.”

Loki retracts his hand. “You said that about Olga!”

“I mean it this time! Honest!”

Loki leaves him on the floor, payback for an old hurt that somehow doesn’t hurt so much anymore.

**

You are not a fancy girl. Something you regret since it always made your mother so happy to see you in dresses instead of your tried and true Captain’s leathers.

“Katkat. This a royal dinner.”

“I know, and I’m in my Royal Cavalry armor.”

She smooths out your cape, sighing. It was your father's, cinched around the neck with a pin depicting the symbol of your house--a horse--of course. You wear it like he does, proudly, and with a gaze of vigilance, like war might break out over the dessert course. She fought, your father--her heart-- by her side for so long so you wouldn’t have to.

But you are your father’s daughter, she thinks, sometimes more than you’re hers. And it’s good, it's good to look at you and see so much of him. Proof he lived and still does. But part of her wishes you could just be the Little Princess he wanted you to be; worry and war-free.

“It would not kill you to wear a dress.”

“It might.”

“For me then?” Your mother goes to your closets and pulls out a dress that was made of silk and was summer-grass green. She has to shake it a few times to smooth out the fabric, it had been bunched at the bottom of a chest and likely never worn.

You wrinkle your nose at the garment. It’s not ugly but…

“No thank you mother.”

So when Niti tells you to open your eyes and look in the mirror after having wrapped and tied you into this dress, you cry.

You hide your ‘perfectly make-uped by Niti’s expert hands’ face in your hands and sob. Mamae would have loved to have seen you in this. It would have been her heart’s joy.

You are beautiful. The perfect Princess. She never wanted a Cavalry commander, she wanted just this.

Niti sniffs, guessing why you’re in tears. “Stop! Your eyeliner will run and we’ll have to start all over and you’ll be late and Frigga will be mad and the servants will talk.” Her protests turn to blubbers and she starts crying too.

Only Se’risa can keep you two together. She misses her mother too, but she has to be strong for you. Princesses have to be strong for each other.

The dress a beautiful green. Like the color of grass stains on a white saddle on the hottest day of the year. It’s lighter than silk, softer and sweeter than linen, pleated from your neck to your toes and beyond with a multitude of full skirts that swish and sway. There are no sleeves but a little capelet drapes about your shoulders fastened there by a crest of pale pink and purple and gold spring flowers. The only real skin you show is down the front, a deep v that slashes to your navel, no cleavage but daring enough to reveal just a bit of you including the trailing edge of one of your scars.

“Don’t cover it.” Niti tells you as you struggle to hold the front of the dress closed just a hair's breadth or so more. “This is what got you here, you survived the attack that made this. You’re indestructable.”

“I can assure you, I’m not.”

“Well make them believe you are.”

You smile for Niti, and you can feel your eyes water again. You let the dress go.

Undone from your usual cornrows, your hair frizzes into a sphere of curls around your head. With some artful pin work from Niti and intricate braidwork from Se’risa, you manage to push it back out of your face to hang loose and wild about your head.

“The other ladies are gonna shit.” Niti claps her hands ignoring Se’risa’s mumbles about proper language.

“Do I really look--?”

Se’risa and Niti nod.

“Do you think the Prince will--?”

They both nod harder.

As is becoming a time honored tradition, Se’risa picks your bracelet. You smile as she slips the cuff on your wrist, a simple band of hammered gold. “I wish I could come,” she sniffs.

“I’ll tell Queen Frigga that I won’t attend another party if I can’t accompany you, princess.” You kiss her forehead. “Don’t wait up.”

Niti cackles. “Oh we already know not to expect you back tonight. Looking at you,” She appraises you, giving you a serious head to toe evaluation. “Better make that a couple nights.”

You reach for a pillow and throw, Niti grabs it and uses it to bop Se’risa on the head.

“Princess?” A voice sounds, muffled by your closed door. “Princess, your escort has arrived.”

Niti coughs and straightens, replaces her trusted friend mask with her servant one--at least for when Royalty is watching. She coughs, making frantic motions with her hands.

“Stand up.” She filters the words through her clenched jaw, hand over the doorknob.

When you’re standing and decent and flashing the biggest smile you can muster to your face, Niti opens the door.

And finds Lady Frigga there.

“Good evening child.”

[fyeahwynonnaearp]

What Just Happened?!?: Let’s Pretend We’re Strangers (S02E05)

So many things happened. So many things are happening. So many feelings were felt and so much screaming at the TV was done.

New Character(s)

Ewan (@unrealfehr): Volunteer firefighter by day and cult leader by night. Likes big shiny axes, red cloaks, bird masks, and working out.

Juan Carlo (@The_Real_ShaunJ): Re-introduction of the mysterious mechanic/watcher(?). Still uselessly helping and provides more questions than answers. Has a teleporter!Truck? because he drove in with it and disappeared with it.

The Order: A cult of volunteer firefighters whose motto is ‘Praesidium et Conservatio’. Under the (sometimes) guidance of Juan Carlo, they help protect the Ghost River Triangle.

Monster(s) of the Week

Miksun, or The Goo™: Have apparently infected a crap ton of people that The Order had to hunt down and kill. Put down by Peacemaker, but is it fully gone?

Final Thoughts (No Spoiler)

Game changer indeed. 

Although The Goo™/Mikshun was the focus of the episode, so many little things happened that may ripple out and have huge repercussions in the future. It was such an intense episode and, as of now, I have watched it three times. Back to back. I am emotionally drained.

Honestly, before watching this show I take one or two or three shots of Fireball and after the show I chain-smoke like Doc Holliday and hug myself to contain all the feels.

Jump into the rabbit hole for some spoiler-filled rants, theories, and fun!

10 Things That Happened/I Learned

1. Ewan and The Order - ‘Praesidium et Conservatio’: We find out that the Purgatory Volunteer Fire Department (or VFD, which makes me giggle because Lemony Snicket) has an impressive battle axe collection, hunts down Goo-infected citizens, and likes nachos as an after-beheading snack. Based on Ewan and The Plate™, it seems that The Order used to have a relationship with the Earp heir. Now in possession of The Plate™ and open to partnering with Wynonna, we will probably see more of Ewan (or FitBit, as Melanie likes to call him). How The Order and The Squad™ will butt heads will be very interesting and I’m ready for The Squad™ to have help because IDK if people remember/realize, but The Ghost River Triangle is a huge freakin’ area.

2. Nicole, the kicked puppy. The first-half of this season have completely REKT the Officer. Goononna was especially in top-shelf form with the emotional beatdown. I expect Nicole and Wynonna to clash because Nicole is clearly the (mostly) by-the-book rookie and Wynonna is the free-spirit protocol-lel-what-protocol Black Badge Deputy. Perhaps Nicole never understood how or why Wynonna got to be in the super secret government agency and was maybe a bit jealous, but damn! Goononna definitely knew her weakness and insecurities and hit where it hurts the most. I’m excited to see how they move on from this and how they form a relationship outside of Waverly. (I’ve read somewhere that Nicole was constantly being mean and a bit of a bitch to Wynonna; I honestly will have to rewatch, but I don’t remember Nicole being an outright massive bitch to her.)

3. IN MEMORIAM: AGENT JEANIE LUCADO.Goocado, or goo-infected!Lucado: Head exploded. Tentatively dead because regeneration is a thing and where the hell did her body go?!? 

4. Doc Holliday has a new car. It is red and has a cassette player and I wonder if he constantly avoids eye contact with Nicole while at the station because she knows he doesn’t have a driver’s license and definitely has an unpaid speeding ticket.

5. Purgatory Fair 1952. The plate is important enough that it was hunted down, wanted by BBD, and people were killed for it. It was definitely important to The Order. Not only does it bare their seal, but it might be connected to the broken seal because Ewan was talking about it to JC and it seems they are also responsible for maintaining it.

6. “I will shoot anybody for you”. Not only is Nicole whipped, but this line just cements the notion of the Officer being loyal to Waverly despite her position as a police officer. It might be nothing, or it could be the overarching struggle Nicole will face throughout the season and beyond. Being a good cop matters to her, and being involved with Waverly could mean ignoring things for The Squad, covering things up, and breaking protocol and maybe the law. And, I think we know how she feels about covering things up. I’m excited for this ride because this could be such a wonderful character development storyline and gives their relationship depth and substance many shows ignore. Because Nicole will never ask Waverly to be someone other than herself, but Nicole might have to change and compromise her morals for the woman she’s totally not-in-love with.

7. Hot Uniform for Officer Haught. Is Nicole being Lexa-levels of extra with her new uniform? Gone are the khakis and barely-buttoned long sleeves and the has-anyone-seen-me-this-season stetson. Enter the Black Widow-inspired, Alex Danvers-might-steal-this long-sleeved form-fitting zip-up top and is-this-gay-enough vest and no-really-is-this-too-gay boots and the I-am-a-gay baseball cap. I love it. I do. It would be equally horrifying and funny if the entire Purgatory Sheriff Department changed uniforms because Officer I’m-Too-Haught-For-This hates khakis, but I hope the department also forked over the cash for the super expensive extra-lightweight concealed body armor to wear under that tight-fitting top. Because Officer Haught did not ask for the most gay, hot, are-we-sure-this-is-not-a-sexy-cop-costume uniform just to be a bullet magnet.

8. MISSING: BLACK BADGE HQ. Honestly, I’m confused about the actual organization of the...well, organization. It is introduced as a joint task force between the US and Canada, even the badge shows both flags. Like, cool. But is Moody (AKA Orphan Black’s Art Bell), the Head of Black Badge or is he only in charge of the Purgatory/Ghost River Triangle branch or whichever branch is overseeing Purgatory? When Dolls, Lucado, or Jeremy mention HQ, do they mean the place where Dolls was broken out from? Because that means BBD HQ is near the Ghost River Triangle. So when Jeremy says Black Badge is gone, does that mean just the HQ/where Dolls was being held? Are there more BBD sites like in the comic books? Where are the other agents?

9. Waverly and her ‘dark corners’. Is Waverly an Earp? It’s the question that can be easily answered if only the Earp Sisters didn’t have major communication issues. In all honesty, all it takes is one over-due conversation and a saliva swab, then one DNA test later we get our answer. But, no. Waverly will probably never ask Wynonna “so, our mom was pregnant with me, right?” and Nicole probably won’t overstep and compare the Earp Sisters’ DNA behind Waverly’s back. I just want this issue to be resolved before Waverly crumbles under the pressure of meeting Wynonna’s expectations of what being an Earp entails. Because this season shows us that Wynonna does give being an Earp so much meaning and expects Waverly to act accordingly and this might cause issues between them and it might be hard to remember, but they just found steady footing with each other. If Wynonna keeps expecting certain things out of Waverly all in the name of being an Earp while Waverly is struggling with the idea if she even is an Earp, we might have the Earp Sis angst-fest we don’t really want but we might just actually love because it means they come out of it (hopefully) stronger together.

10. Baby Earp, the game changer. There’s a divide in the fandom: Pro-baby storyline and what-the-fuck-no!-pregnancy-storylines-ruin-everything. No matter what camp you reside in, you must admit and eventually realize that this baby-bump of a game changer is going to be the catalyst for several major character development. 

Wynonna: No longer can she numb herself and drown her issues in whiskey. Even though she says her job is to protect her baby sister, we have to remember that she’s been MIA for three year prior and have been mostly absent from Waverly’s life. Yes, she was placed in a mental institution when she was 14 and has been in juvie at least once, but she also willingly spent time away from her sister and ran with the Banditos, a gang that was mentioned in season 1 and explored in the comics. Wynonna joined a gang which could have placed Waverly in danger. With a baby, Wynonna has to be responsible for another life and now has to actually think about the possible consequences of her actions.

Doc: The chance of Doc being the father is really high. Let’s assume that he did get his best friend’s great-great-I-actually-forgot-how-many-great-grand daughter pregnant. Because he’s been established as somewhat traditional, in the loosest sense of the word, he will want to meet the duties and obligation of being a father. That means he can’t really just take off anytime he wants. It means being open and having an honest line of communication with Wynonna, which can be hard for him and his Slytherin ways. While he does let Wynonna be Wynonna, I think that will change when he learns he’s a father. Also, he might start actively searching for a way to reverse the Stone Witch’s curse on him. Meaning, he might have to dig out Constance from the salt flats and OMG is she still out there or did someone dig her out?

Dolls: As much as I would love for DocWynDolls to be one happy polyamorous family raising Baby Earp, there is a good chance that Dolls might feel the need to take a step back and let Wynonna straighten out her priorities. He will be there for her, absolutely, but he might emotionally distance himself and choose to focus his attentions on BBD and figure out how The Squad will continue without a government agency backing them and how to proceed without the power of a badge and probably start figuring out what exactly he is. 

Waverly: Protective acting-like-the-big-sister Waverly will be adorable and fluffy and amazing to watch. Waverly questioning her role and childhood and how she was treated will be heartbreaking and will make me leak from my eyes. I think Waverly will be worried about her place in Wynonna’s life now that there will be a baby. Waverly is so used to being pushed to the side that she probably won’t talk about her concerns and will just keep supporting and helping Wynonna. On the other hand, a baby Earp can just be the prompting for Wynonna to start reminiscing and talking about a Baby Waverly and the biological origins of Waverly will finally be settled. 

Nicole: A part of me hopes she won’t get shut out and Waverly will start incorporating Nicole into her life and that Nicole will help Waverly with pregnant!Wynonna, but I can see her being shut out. Again. I can see Nicole figuring it out for herself (like always) and subtlety helping Wynonna by giving her food and giving her coffee, it’s caffeine-free of course, but Wynonna won’t know that. I really hope Nicole gets to be involved in some capacity because it will be just one more thing that would strengthen her relationship not only with Waverly, but with Wynonna as well. 

Overall, I am happy this show is still true to itself. Some people have said that the show doesn’t treat its villains as actually villains and it all ends up being anti-climactic. To those people, I say to you, this show is not the episodic procedural of monster-of-the-week and one big bad a season kind of show. This is about the people that have to deal with those monsters and demons. This show is about their relationships with each other. It’s about how they grow as people and how they deal with their issues and personal demons. Sure, demons are killed. But unlike other shows, our heroine still questions her humanity and still have issues with the fact that she is destined to kill, whether they are demons or creatures or humans-turned-demons.

It is often overlooked and no one talks about it enough, but I think we need to remember that even though these revenants and demons are all trying to kill her, Wynonna Earp still tells them to “make your peace” and sure she sends them to hell, but she tries to make sure they get some semblance of peace in the afterlife. 

[lethaderr-blog]

Are you a fan of olives or olive oil?

Can I be perfectly honest with you? I don’t like olives. I’ve never been able to get on board with enjoying the taste of them. On the other hand, Justin loves olives. He’s always trying to get me to eat olives. When the two of us traveled to Italy, there were olives served with many meals, especially apertivo. Justin would taste one with absolute delight. He’d turn to me, “You have to try this one! It is so good!“

I’d ask him, “Does it taste like an olive?”. Of course, I’d try one here and there and felt they all tasted pretty disgusting. Justin always looked a little shocked, a tiny bit amused, but mostly appalled that I couldn’t get on board the olive train.

So, you might be wondering what I’m doing at an olive oil mill in the South of . As an excursion, I visited L’ during my barge cruise on the Canal du Midi. I do rather enjoy olive oil and I visited with an open mind. I was interested to learn more about olive oil production in the South of , especially considering that it isn’t one of the more famous places for olive oil (like Spain, Italy, or Greece).

About French Olive Oil

I didn’t know very much about the harvest of olives or the production of olive oil before this olive oil tour at L’. I learned so much, so I’m excited to share my this information with you. First, green olives and black olives are the same fruit, coming from the same tree. It’s all about the harvest time. Green olives are generally picked in September, and black olives are picked later in November. For table olives, they must be picked by hand during harvest time.

Olive oil is only produced from the black olives. It is a 100% pure fruit juice with no additives or preservatives. Olive oil comes from inside the pit of the olive. At the L’ mill, they press 500 to 800 tons of olives annually, producing 75,000 to 120,000 liters of olive oil.

History of the Olive Tree

While you might not have heard much about olive oil in , it’s a great part of their heritage, too. The history of the olive tree started 37,000 years ago in Greece. Olive trees grow quite well in the South of near the Mediterranean, and have for the past 7000 years. 90% of the olive trees in the world are near the Mediterranean.

Olive trees are quite hardy. They’re resistant to drought, and their roots can extend as far as 6 meters into the ground in search of water. Olive trees produce fruit for at least 150 years or more, and there are olive trees that are over 1000 years old!

Olive Oil in

The best olive oil in the world comes from Greece, Spain, Italy, and…? You might not have heard about olive oil originating in the South of . That’s because less than 1% of the world’s olives and olive oil comes from . However, to stand out from the crowd, olive oil in is the highest quality, cold extracted, extra virgin olive oil.

L’ preserves the heritage of the Languedoc’s oil production by using only traditional methods. You won’t find any industrial or highly mechanized farming or harvesting efforts here. At L’ cooperative, their olive oils are guaranteed French origin, extra virgin and cold pressed, resulting in the finest olive oils on the planet.

The Lucques Olive

The Lucques olive is unique and exclusive to the Languedoc region of . It is known as “the green diamond” due to its distinct crescent shape. It’s rather mild on the palette and has notes of buttered avocado and fresh hazelnut. The Lucques olive is a favorite of French chefs, and you can appreciate it as a table olive (green or black) or for its olive oil.

In 2017, the Lucques du Languedoc olive received an award for the Protected Designation of Origin. It’s a prestigious seal of approval for consumers that guarantees the high quality of the Lucques olives at L’ cooperative. In fact, the L’ cooperative sells 450 tons of table olives per year, and they’re the biggest producer of Lucques olives in the world.

Olive and Olive Oil at L’

Our canal cruise guide from the Athos barge, Matthieu, told us all about French olive oil in the region from the small olive grove just outside of L’’s shop and tasting room. Naturally, if you aren’t traveling from a cruise and you’re interested in visiting L’, you can still take an olive oil tour.

You can also visit L’ on your own without a tour. There are some plaques set up outside of the main building to read more about the olives. Once you walk inside, there’s a huge shop filled with all of their olive and olive oil products. There are some tastings inside the store too, so you can sample before you buy.

Sampling the

There’s a small tasting area at the back of the store. We sat around the bar and Matthieu told us about three varieties of olives and three types of olive oil. Our small group had the opportunity to taste all of them.

Have you ever tried a fresh olive? I’ve only ever tried olives in brine and oil with various spices. As the olives at L’ are picked fresh, we had the chance to sample some fresh olives. First, we tried fresh Lucques olives. I have to admit that I actually liked the taste of fresh, green olives. Personally, I was shocked! The taste was much milder than that of a typical olive. We tried two other olives: another fresh one (that I also didn’t mind) and a black olive in brine (which I didn’t like at all). While I surprised myself to find that I do enjoy fresh Lucques olives, they aren’t exactly available at home in Canada. I’ll have to travel back to to try them again.

Olive Oil in

As for the French olive oil tasting, I was totally excited for that. While I don’t usually put oil directly into my mouth without some bread to accompany it, we tasted purely the oil on its own. It was much easier to spot the differences between olive oils without any other flavors getting in the way.

First, we tasted the Lucques olive oil, made from the Lucques olives. I really enjoyed this one. It was a little milder, much like the olives themselves. Next, we sampled Picholine olive oil. It was very strong, bitter, and actually made me cough! Apparently, this is fairly common because it is a stronger tasting oil, though it’s very rich in antioxidants. Last, we tried the Aglandau olive oil, famous for its “ardence”, a tingling feeling that you can get in the back of your throat after tasting it. It tasted sharp, peppery, and I definitely got that tingling sensation in my mouth.

Naturally, these intense flavors are more apparent when trying the olive oil on its own. The bitter and pungent notes tend to disappear when they’re used with other food. I’m pretty sure that most of us will only ever eat a small spoonful of oil on an olive oil tour!

Shopping for Olive Products

L’ has just about every olive, olive oil, or olive product you could dream about in their shop. You can buy fresh Lucques olives, cured jars of olives, bottles of olive oils, tapenade, and even soaps and bath products made with olive oil. I couldn’t help but bring home some bottles of olive oil. I wish I could have brought fresh olives, but they wouldn’t have survived out of the refrigerator for long. That will have to remain a treat for the next time I’m in .

If you’re looking to try Lucques olives and you aren’t visiting anytime soon, you can purchase jars of Lucques olives online. For the Canadians in the crowd, I was pretty surprised to discover that President’s Choice carries Lucques extra virgin olive oil as part of their black line of products. I do suggest that you travel to the South of and buy these products fresh from the producer.

How to Visit L’

Thinking about checking out the cooperative? They are located in Bize-Minervois in the South of . They’re open seven days a week, all year round, except for Christmas Day and New Year’s Day. For more information on opening hours and guided tour times, please check out their official website. Looking to spend the night in olive country? Here are the best places to stay in Bize-Minervois.

If you’re sailing aboard the Athos barge on the Canal du Midi, I’m certain that an olive oil tour at L’ will be in your future. I highly recommend traveling slowly in the South of on a luxury barge cruise. Read more about my voyage here.

.kt-blocks-info-box-link-wrap {background:rgba(206, 249, 248, 1);padding:20px 20px 20px 20px;border-width:0px 0px 0px 0px;} .kt-blocks-info-box-link-wrap:hover {border-color:rgba(238, 238, 238, 1);background:rgba(206, 249, 248, 1);} .kt-blocks-info-box-media {color: 0px 0px 0px;padding:10px 10px 10px 10px;margin:0px 15px 0px 15px;} .kt-blocks-info-box-link-wrap:hover .kt-blocks-info-box-media {color:#444;background:transparent;border-color:#fff;} .kt-blocks-info-box-title {color: 0px 0px 0px;margin:5px 0px 10px 0px;} .kt-blocks-info-box-link-wrap:hover .kt-blocks-info-box-title {color:#444;} .kt-blocks-info-box-text {color:#444;} .kt-blocks-info-box-link-wrap:hover .kt-blocks-info-box-text {color:#444;} .kt-blocks-info-box-learnmore {color: 0px 0px 0px;padding:4px 8px 4px 8px;margin:10px 0px 10px 0px;} .kt-blocks-info-box-link-wrap:hover .kt-blocks-info-box-learnmore {color: <div id="" class="wp-block-kadence-infobox"><div class="kt-blocks-info-box-link-wrap kt-blocks-info-box-media-align-top kt-info-halign-center"><div class="kt-blocks-info-box-media kt-info-media-animate-none"><div class="kadence-info-box-icon-container kt-info-icon-animate-none"><div class="kadence-info-box-icon-inner-container"><span style="display:block;justify-content:center;align-items:center" class="kt-info-svg-icon kt-info-svg-icon-fas_camera"><svg style="display:inline-block;vertical-align:middle" viewbox="0 0 512 512" height="80" width="80" fill="currentColor" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><path d="M512 144v288c0 26.5-21.5 48-48 48H48c-26.5 0-48-21.5-48-48V144c0-26.5 21.5-48 48-48h88l12.3-32.9c7-18.7 24.9-31.1 44.9-31.1h125.5c20 0 37.9 12.4 44.9 31.1L376 96h88c26.5 0 48 21.5 48 48zM376 288c0-66.2-53.8-120-120-120s-120 53.8-120 120 53.8 120 120 120 120-53.8 120-120zm-32 0c0 48.5-39.5 88-88 88s-88-39.5-88-88 39.5-88 88-88 88 39.5 88 88z"><div class="kt-infobox-textcontent"><h4 class="kt-blocks-info-box-title">Want to see more photos?<p class="kt-blocks-info-box-text">Check out all photos from L’ at my travel photography album. There’s also an option to buy prints, canvas art, and housewares made from any of our photos.<div class="kt-blocks-info-box-learnmore-wrap"><a class="kt-blocks-info-box-learnmore" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer" href="http://go.redirectingat.com/?id=125747X1586856&xs=1&url=https%3A%2F%2Ftravelphotos.justinpluslauren.com%2F%2FBize-Minervois-2019%2F&sref=rss">Learn More <p> always brings wonderful surprises. It might even be something as simple as discovering that you actually enjoy eating olives. Regardless, the cooperative is an excellent way to discover the traditions of French olive oil production, take an olive oil tour, and taste the finest olives and oil. Is a producer of the best olive oil in the world? That’s up for you to decide, but I’d say it’s right up there with the best of the best. <ul class="wp-block-gallery columns-3"><li class="blocks-gallery-item"><figure><img src="https://justinpluslauren.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/-Pinterest3-683x1024.jpg" alt=" the of : A French Olive Oil Seeking the Best Olive Oil in the World ie" data-id="18406" data-link="https://justinpluslauren.com/?attachment_id=18406" class="wp-image-18406" srcset="https://justinpluslauren.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/-Pinterest3-683x1024.jpg 683w, https://justinpluslauren.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/-Pinterest3-200x300.jpg 200w, https://justinpluslauren.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/-Pinterest3.jpg 735w" sizes="(max-width: 683px) 100vw, 683px" /><li class="blocks-gallery-item"><figure><img src="https://justinpluslauren.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/-Pinterest2-683x1024.jpg" alt=" the of : A French Olive Oil Seeking the Best Olive Oil in the World ie" data-id="18405" data-link="https://justinpluslauren.com/?attachment_id=18405" class="wp-image-18405" srcset="https://justinpluslauren.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/-Pinterest2-683x1024.jpg 683w, https://justinpluslauren.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/-Pinterest2-200x300.jpg 200w, https://justinpluslauren.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/-Pinterest2.jpg 735w" sizes="(max-width: 683px) 100vw, 683px" /><li class="blocks-gallery-item"><figure><img src="https://justinpluslauren.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/-Pinterest1-683x1024.jpg" alt=" the of : A French Olive Oil Seeking the Best Olive Oil in the World ie" data-id="18404" data-link="https://justinpluslauren.com/?attachment_id=18404" class="wp-image-18404" srcset="https://justinpluslauren.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/-Pinterest1-683x1024.jpg 683w, https://justinpluslauren.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/-Pinterest1-200x300.jpg 200w, https://justinpluslauren.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/-Pinterest1.jpg 735w" sizes="(max-width: 683px) 100vw, 683px" /> <p style="text-align:center">PIN one of the above pins for future reference. Click the top left corner. <div class="kt-simple-box" style="background-color:rgba(232, 232, 232, 1); min-height:1px; padding-top:15px; padding-bottom:15px; padding-left:15px; padding-right:15px; "><div class="kt-simple-box-inner"> <center><strong>Did you find this post useful? Show your appreciation with a small tip! <div id="JPL01" class="quid-slider" align="center" quid-currency="CAD" quid-product-id="JPL01" quid-product-url="https://justinpluslauren.com/olive-oil-tour-south-of-france/" quid-product-name="Justin Plus Lauren" quid-product-description="A Tip for Justin & Lauren" quid-text="Tip Us!" quid-text-paid="Thanks!" quid-amount="1"> <p><em>This post contains affiliate links. If you click one of them, I may receive a small commission at no extra cost to you. <p>The post <a rel="nofollow" href="https://justinpluslauren.com/olive-oil-tour-south-of-france/"> the of : A French Olive Oil Sampling the Best Olive Oil in the World appeared first on <a rel="nofollow" href="https://justinpluslauren.com">Justin Plus Lauren.

[poolenick-blog]

Have you ever had the chance to watch the movie: ‘Memoirs of a Geisha‘? Or at least read the book? Well… I’ve done both at a young age and I instantly fell in love with Japan’s geisha as I witnessed their unique beauty, grace, and discipline. In fact, ever since then, I have been deeply enamoured by their mystifying world — which, thankfully, have still survived up to this day!

I say ‘survived’ because I was also interested in the samurai (Japan’s olden warriors who typically serve a feudal lord or daimyo). I badly wanted to witness their noble way of life; however, it made me terribly sad when I learned that they no longer exist, and this is because their social class has died down long ago around the late 1800s after the emperor favored a more modern western-style army. Sure, there may be descendants and even people who still try to practice samurai behavior and/or swordsmanship today, BUT it’s not the same given how the whole samurai lifestyle and system is absolutely non-existent anymore.

The geisha tradition is not as old as the samurai but it IS old and I’ve surely developed some sort of mild fear that they might eventually disappear too — which I hope to goodness, they won’t — and this worry of mine makes a bit of sense because there aren’t many geisha anymore. To put it into numbers, back in the 1920s they numbered around 80,000. Their current number? It is now estimated to be only 1,000 to 2,000!! Because of this and more, it couldn’t be helped that I’ve made ‘meeting or seeing a legit geisha‘ as an item on the very top of my bucket list.

Well… guess what? I already made this dream come true when I went to Japan this year!

What have I done, precisely? I talked to a geisha in Tokyo over a dinner banquet, I played games with 2 young senior maiko in Niigata, I caught sight of a legitimate maiko (who was on her way to work) in one of Kyoto‘s narrow alleys, and I watched two young Japanese maiko perform in Gion Corner — breathtaking experiences that I will surely remember and treasure forever.

Of course, now that I have met and seen them, my wish for their practices to continue for eternity has been strengthened even more!

But before I go on, actually, let’s talk about the movie again because I find it imperative to note that since ‘Memoirs of a Geisha‘ was made in Hollywood, it had several aspects that were false (if not overly romanticized) thereby contributing to the already growing misconceptions of this culture. Thanks to my discussions with a geisha, Kimicho of Tokyo, as well as to my long research sprees, I have come to learn MORE of the truth.

Today, I will be imparting that knowledge with you so that you too can be cleared of any misconceptions that you may have about them.

RELATED READ: Sample Japan Itineraries

.title-bar:after, .title-bar:before, .title-bar:after, .title-bar:before, h2{ border-color: }

Understanding the Geisha of Japan

TABLE OF CONTENTS

| |

* * * * *

» What is a ‘geisha’? How about a ‘maiko’?

A geisha, which translates to English as “performing artist” or “artisan”, is a high-class professional and traditional female entertainer in Japan trained in various forms of art.

IMPORTANT NOTE: In west of Japan such as of that in Kyoto, they use another name for geisha: geiko. Whereas in Kanto area (around Tokyo), they call them geigi. For Tokyo and other places, they commonly use the word ‘geisha’. For the sake of consistency in this article, I will use the word geisha. Besides, it is a more widely recognized term that can be used to encompass both that of western Japan’s geikos and Tokyo’s geisha.

Meanwhile, a maiko, which translates to English as “dancing child”, is an apprentice geisha.

Historically, a maiko starts her training at a very young age: around 3 or 5 years old. But now, their training starts at a much later date: in Kyoto they start at 15 or 16 and in Tokyo they start at 18.

Nevertheless, any girl who wants to enter the community does not have to begin as a maiko because it’s said that they can already proceed being a geisha. (Still and the same, they are required to do at least a year’s worth of training before debuting as a geisha.) For women who are aged 21 to 23 and above, they are deemed to be too old to become maiko so they already become a geisha when they join the community — again, still with training beforehand.

IMPORTANT NOTE: In Tokyo, maiko are rather called as hangyoku (“half jewel”) and they can remain to be so until they are 23. For the sake of consistency in this article, I will use the word maiko.

• What a geisha does •

A geisha is usually hired to attend to guests (who are predominantly and traditionally male) during banquets, meals, parties, and other occasions as she demonstrates her skills through various ways such as dancing to a tune played with the shamisen (a stringed instrument), initiating games, doing the art of conversation, and more.

Japanexperterna / Color edit applied / CC For these affairs, they meet up with their guests at an ochaya* (tea house) or at a ryōtei (traditional Japanese restaurant) and charge their customers by the hour with flat fees.

*Ochaya are highly exclusive places that customarily only grant entry to regular or trusted customers. This is mainly because of how they operate: they don’t bill their guests at the end of the evening, but rather once a month for all the expenses accrued — hence, there is a special level of trust involved. For instance, not just about anyone can go up to an ochaya without being introduced to it first by an already existing customer (and that existing customer would essentially risk their reputation by trusting the behavior of the person that they are introducing to the ochaya). Going by this train of thought, hiring a geisha to have a dinner banquet with is not easy especially if you’re not Japanese and not well-connected, as it is exclusive AND expensive.

Fortunately, most ochaya have lessened their restrictions lately and tourists can now have a geisha dinner if they go through partnered travel agencies and hotels. However, you will still need to prepare a considerable budget for this because a full geisha dinner can be worth around 50,000 yen and up ($470~ or Php 22,500~) per geisha or maiko. This does NOT include dinner yet which starts at 10,000 yen ($95~ or Php 4,500~), as well as an interpreter if you don’t know how to speak Japanese (since geisha and maiko don’t train in English conversation).

.

Want to meet with a geisha?

Come and check out these geisha encounters and/or dinner activities that you can do either in Nagoya or Tokyo that already include English translators!

TRIVIA: Some people will say that it can be a ‘waste’ of your money to have a geisha dinner if you don’t speak Japanese — the magic of it all may cease to exist! They say that this is because you’ll be missing out on one of their best talents: conversation or witty banter.

No matter the case, this is all up to you of course! The way I see it, it might indeed be a waste of money, BUT I don’t think it’s a bad idea to do it anyway and get an interpreter (better yet, drag along your Japanese friend). And if you’re up for it, there are also already a few trained and recognized foreigner geisha in Japan who can speak English. I went through this experience myself and I enjoyed it so much! (To learn more about these modern foreigner geisha, go • History of geisha •

Geisha started to appear in the pleasure quarters of Japan before the turn of the 18th century. The first geisha were actually men, whereas the first female ones who appeared years later were teenage odoriko who were expensively-trained “dancing girls” or dancers-for-hire. (As time passed on, being a geisha was mainly regarded as a female occupation.)

Slowly, geisha became more widespread and a lot of them started to work primarily as entertainers — anyone who was selling sex (which was against their intended kind of work) were imprisoned after all in order to protect the oiran who were licensed high-class courtesans or prostitutes at that time. However, when 1800 came in, the oiran slowly fell out of demand when wealthy Japanese men chose geisha more as their companion of choice due to their ‘chic’ and modern demeanour.

Simply put: the rise of the geisha was the fall of the oiran.

Japanexperterna / CC | Right photo by: Keisuke Makino / CC . Meanwhile, when World War II began, geisha started to decline; they had to close their okiya (geisha houses), and the teahouses and bars had to close shop as well. As a result, they went to other places in Japan for safety or for work (such as in factories, etc.). It didn’t help either that some prostitutes started to refer to themselves as “geisha girls” to American military men.

Nonetheless, when the war ended, the returning geisha made it a point to reinstate their traditional standards as highly-skilled entertainers, and at the same time, they proposed increased rights for their profession. • Myths to bust about the geisha and maiko of today •

1 MYTH: Geishas are prostitutes. TRUTH: Geisha are NOT prostitutes. They are and always will be highly-skilled entertainers. (It helps to note anyway that prostitution is illegal in Japan ever since 1956.) Plus, even though there were some of them in the olden times who offered sex to their clients, it helps to note that it wasn’t a part of their true traditional function or training — call them rebels if you will, and they might just be so since as I’ve discussed previously, a geisha is imprisoned in the past should they ever offer sex to others casually.

Of course a geisha is free to pursue personal relationships with any man that she meets through work; but such would most likely never be casual nor will it ever be her goal for such an interaction. They live in a geisha district (hanamachi) which is very closely-knit community, and given how greatly they value their reputation, they would always pick their relationships carefully. Should they ever fall in love and want to marry, then sometimes they must retire because geisha (most especially in Kyoto) are expected to be single. Nevertheless, there are now a lot of places in Japan (like Tokyo) that allow married, divorced and/or women with children to become geisha.

2 MYTH: Geisha have personal relationships with a patron or danna. TRUTH: This is NOT true today. It may have been tradition in the past for geisha to take a danna or a patron who was wealthy enough to support the expenses related to her training and other costs in order to have a personal relationship in return (which was not inherently sexual) with a geisha. But today, it is very unusual for a geisha to have a personal relationship with a danna and should they ever have one (which is rare because most of them love to be autonomous now), it’s mainly because of the patron’s desire to help prolong the geisha arts and traditions — nothing more. Again, a geisha and her danna can fall in love but intimacy is never viewed as an exchange for the danna’s financial support.

3 MYTH: Young girls are sold to okiya (geisha houses) by their parents because of poverty. TRUTH: It may have happened way in the past, but nowadays, NO young girl is sold to an okiya due to poverty as it is more of a personal career choice in order to become a maiko/geisha. In fact, a lot of girls have to persuade their parents today in order to let them become one. Once a girl’s parents do consent to it, she will have to be interviewed first by the association as well as the female owners of the ochaya (tea houses) before being accepted.

4 MYTH: Geisha are lead by men and money (as portrayed in the movie: Memoirs of a Geisha). TRUTH: This is NOT true. It helps to always remember that the movie was mainly fictional and set to be ‘sellable’ to audiences. (Well, hello Hollywood!). Being a geisha is like being an artist or a performer — it’s a respectable profession and much like any career you pursue in life that you are passionate about, you do it because you love it while also earning your living from it. They don’t go around chasing after men either; it just so happens that the people that they present their art and performances to are predominantly men.

5 MYTH: Maiko go through mizuage wherein a patron would pay to take their virginity. (As also seen in ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’). TRUTH: Nope. This kind of mizuage was actually a ceremony done by young courtesans and prostitutes in the past — NOT by maiko. Though there are speculations that this mizuage (taking of the virginity) was done by some maiko in the past, what’s important to remember is that this is NOT done today nor was it ever traditionally accepted to be done by geisha for their maiko. The only kind of mizuage that maiko have done was a ceremony wherein older geisha would symbolically cut the topknot of the maiko’s hair to signify her coming of age (of becoming an adult). • How to identify geisha and maiko •

As you visit Japan, take note of the below points to help you quickly differentiate a geisha from their apprentice (maiko):

AGE. As I’ve already discussed, maiko usually start their training at a young age (15 to 16 for Kyoto and 18 for Tokyo) so they are much younger than a full-fledged geisha who often start at around 21 to 23. .

HAIRSTYLE. Geisha usually wear wigs whereas maiko have their hair styled naturally. A geisha’s wig and a maiko’s natural hair are regularly styled by highly-skilled artisans (lately though, traditional hairstyling is slowly phasing out because it can sometimes lead to balding on the top of their head).

TRIVIA: Maiko have their hair styled elaborately every week. To keep their hairstyle intact, maiko sleep with their necks on small supports called as takamakura (they are tall uncomfortable-looking pillows; if you’ve watched the movie Memoirs of a Geisha, you’ll know what I’m talking about).

.

HAIR ORNAMENTS. Maiko wear more elaborate decorative hair ornaments called as kanzashi and the designs can vary depending on the stage of training that they are currently in. During their .

MAKEUP. On a typical day, a maiko will be seen wearing the most recognizable feature of geisha: the full white face makeup. Geisha, on the other hand, do NOT have this makeup on unless they are going to do a special performance. . Maiko will always have a noticeable white band of unpainted skin on their hairline (since they don’t wear wigs) and their eyebrows will be shaded in red or pink, their cheeks slightly blushed, and their eyes outlined with black eyeliner and red eyeshadow. During the early stages of their training, ‘junior’ maiko (or minarai) will only have their lower lip painted in red and as they advance (as ‘senior’ maiko), both their lips will be painted but only in a thin line. For geisha who need to have their face painted when they work, apart from having no visible part of exposed skin near their hairline (since they wear wigs), their eyebrows will also only have a faint shade of red, their eyes outlined in black (if a ‘senior’ geisha) or with a slight red (if they’re a ‘junior’ geisha) and their lips painted fully in red. Joe Baz / CC | Circle & right photo by: Annie Guilloret / CC

TRIVIA: This white makeup fully covers the geisha or maiko’s face, neck, and chest — except for the nape (called komata or the back of a person’s neck) which they will make sure is visible when they would later on wear their kimono. This part is considered to be a traditionally erotic area in Japan so they accentuate this sensuality by customarily leaving an inverted “V” shape on a geisha, and an inverted “W” shape on those who just debuted as maiko. (This style is called as eri-ashi)

.

KIMONO. A maiko usually wears a colorfully-designed long-sleeved kimono (Japanese traditional garment) with a wider obi (sash) that is set to look like a bow as it drapes down to their back. A maiko’s collar is also a distinct feature because it is thick and embroidered, hangs very loosely and are mainly in the color red (other colors can only be gold or white). It will slowly have white embroidered patterns as they advance in their training but it will always remain to be dominantly red. Geisha, who are more mature, wear more subdued but refined kimonos with shorter sleeves that are usually in one color with a simple pattern at the bottom. Their obi is shorter too and it looks like a square bow knot at the back. Lastly, their collars are completely white and are not as loose. (Both maiko and geisha though wear kimonos according to the season).

NOTE: Wanna try and wear a kimono? There are kimono rental shops in Tokyo! Read here to learn more.

.

FOOTWEAR. Maiko generally wear very high wooden sandals, to prevent their kimono from touching the ground, called as okobo. Geisha use shorter wooden sandals called zori or geta (maiko will wear this too if the situation calls for it; but they wear okobo more). Laura Tomàs Avellana / CC | Right photo by: Joi Ito / CC .

• How to spot the fake geisha and maiko •

You might have heard of makeover (henshin) studios in Japan that will dress tourists up as a geisha or maiko for a day. With this in mind, if you have ever seen a geisha or maiko while you are around popular spots in Japan — like in parts of Kyoto or Tokyo — it is highly likely that you have witnessed or took a picture with a fake one.

To help you identify and spot these tourists who are only dressing up, see below the several features that they will possess. (Ultimately, henshin studios make it a point to NOT dress up their clients authentically; otherwise, they will be shut down by the authorities.)

They have mismatched hairstyle, makeup, and clothing. Taking into considerations the descriptions that I’ve made previously of authentic geisha and maiko features, a tourist in disguise will always have a wrong mix of characteristics. For example, most of them will have the decorative long hair ornament (of a junior maiko) yet with both her lips painted (like a senior maiko or geisha) and with a wig on (though some shops can now do your hair too). Also look at the 3rd one, she has a camera with her! (Maiko are not allowed to use any electronics while working). .

They are walking around crowded areas. A true maiko or geisha knows that she is sought out by tourists and they can get ‘mobbed’ in a sense; so, you will NEVER find them walking through a populated area while in their full regalia. What they usually do is walk through back streets and alleyways in order to avoid the crowd. Hence, if you ever see a maiko or geisha walking casually through a well-known place, she is surely a tourist dressed up as one. .

They are out during the early time of the day. Geisha and maiko commonly work in the evenings; though it’s possible that they are booked for an early banquet, it almost happens rarely. .

They are willingly taking photos with others. Geisha and maiko are actually paid for the time that requires them to get from point A to point B, so when they are out on the streets, they will never stop by to take photos with tourists. (You can always ask them though if you can take a photo, but do it quick). Therefore, if you see one who is taking her sweet time pleasing a crowd of tourists to take a photo of her (unless it’s an official event) then she is a tourist who had a makeover. .

They are accompanied by other people who are in normal clothing. Saw a geisha or maiko with an elder or companion who has to aid her while she walks in her high wooden shoes? That’s a tourist. Real geisha and maiko are trained to walk well with their zori or okobo sandals. Besides, they always know their way around town too. If they’re ever accompanied, it will usually be by a young girl in a kimono who will carry her belongings (this is a new maiko in training who is called a ‘shikomi‘). .

Actually, you wouldn’t be aware of it but you might have had a legitimate geisha or maiko in your midst especially when you’re walking around in Kyoto. When they’re in their normal clothes (such as a yukata), identifying them will naturally be tough — unless you are a fan who recognizes their face or unless they are wearing their signature kimono and traditional white makeup (shiro-nuri).

NOTE: There’s another kind apart from henshin tourists whom you could easily mistake as legitimate geisha and maiko, and they’re called furisode-san or kimono-san.

An established business by ‘Furisode Gakuin’ at Tokyo’s Asakusa district in the 1990s, these furisode-san are paid entertainers only who mimic the look and services of geisha and maiko at a cheaper price (usually around 25,000 yen or $250 for a 2-hour party). They only have about 3 months of training and again — they are NOT real geisha nor maiko.

In fact, most of the geisha experiences that you might have actually read in other travel blogs are actually experiences with a furisode-san. How do the Japanese feel about these people? A mix of approval and disapproval. Approval since they help gather interest in real geisha; disapproval since they deem it as disrespectful to the real tradition.

How then can you ensure that you’re not booking an experience with a furisode-san? Apart from the cheap price as an indicator, make sure that you book through legitimate travel agencies who only seek to provide real geisha/maiko experiences (note: I will update this section soon with relevant links for booking legit geisha).

» The geisha of today

Though the geisha tradition is dwindling (due to its exclusivity, expensive price, and traditional form), it is in Kyoto where it remains to be the strongest today. Kyoto is also the pinnacle area where experiencing geisha remains to be the best and most prestigious in its five hanamachi (geisha districts or “flower towns”), namely: Gion Kōbu, Ponto-chō, Kamishichiken, Gion Higashi, and Miyagawa-chō.

If we have to put it into numbers, as I’ve previously mentioned, there only about 1,000 to 2,000 geisha now and they are found in several cities across Japan — not only in Kyoto, but in Tokyo (with well-known hanamachi of Shimbashi, Asakusa, and Kagurazaka) and Kanazawa too. It is said that there are about 300 geisha in Kyoto; but the exact numbers there as well as in other areas are unknown to us outsiders.

TRIVIA: I was told that there exists a male geisha in Japan. His name is Eitaro and he is found in Tokyo’s Omori district.

Speaking of hanamachi, these are places that are generally referred to as the ‘flower and willow world’ (karyukai). Given that they are speckled with okiya and ochaya that are owned and run by women, all the power is then held by females. (Men in these districts are rather mainly artisans, dressers, or wig makers.) Children who are girls are also preferred so that they can later take on the business — this is a trait that is in contrast to the rest of Japan. • The foreigner or non-Japanese geisha •

In order to keep up with the times, some okiya have been accepting foreign nationals as geisha. So far there are only a few of them that have been admitted. (Below are their Japanese names, and the data below is as of 2016.).

Ibu – a geiko in Anjo, Aichi Prefecture // originally from Ukraine ~ source ~ retired

Juri – a geisha in the resort town of Yugawara // originally from Peru ~ source ~ unsure if still working or retired

Fukutarō – a geisha in Izu-Nagaoka, Shizuoka // originally from Romania ~ source ~ retired

Sayuki – an (unofficial) geisha in Asakusa, Tokyo // originally from Australia ~ source ~ debuted as a geisha, but has been disassociated with the Asakusa Geisha Association and has since worked independently

Rinka – a geisha in Shimoda, Shizuoka Prefecture // originally from China ~ source ~ unsure if still working or retired

Mutsuki – a geisha in Shinigawa, Tokyo // originally from China ~ source ~ working as a geisha

Kimicho – a geisha in the Oimachi district of Shinagawa Tokyo // originally from America ~ source ~ worked as a geisha since 2015, now retired

Kimicho just started last October 2015 and I personally had the pleasure of meeting and talking to her! Read about it here!

Evidently, you will not see foreigner or non- Japanese geisha admitted (yet) in Kyoto as they still remain to be somewhat strictly traditional. Nevertheless, it is great to see that the rest of Japan is slowly opening its geisha tradition to others who love the culture, even if they are not of Japanese descent. • How to become a geisha •

I’ve discussed this already above, but just to reiterate, training to become a geisha in which you start as a maiko begins at 15 to 16 in Kyoto and 18 in Tokyo (in the past, it started at 3 – 5 years old). So these days, girls must have at least graduated from middle school (except Kyoto who has special laws for it) before they can make the decision to train as a maiko and eventually become a geisha.

However, it is rather more common for young Japanese women to start training after high school or college; but a lot more would begin later. If they are above 21 to 23, they will already start as a geisha (with a year’s training) since they are too old to be a maiko. Having said that, one doesn’t have to start as a maiko since they can already start to train as a geisha — but of course, the allure of the overall comprehensive training process as you progress from a maiko to a full-fledged geisha can be quite an experience (and can add more to one’s reputation in the community).

So in order to become a geisha, once you reach the age required, you or your parent need to contact for example: Ookini Zaidan (the guild for all of Kyoto’s hanamachi businesses) and you must fulfill their other basic requirements: not taller than 160cm, at least 43kg in weight, willingness to train in the traditional arts for years, etc. Once they consider you a good candidate, they will send out your profile to okiya houses that might be interested in training you.

NOTE: Okiya will shoulder all your expenses for food, training, clothes, etc. once you are accepted by them and bonded by a contract. When you start working you can slowly pay off these debts.

If you are non-Japanese, Kyoto is a hard environment to crack in so you’re better off applying to other places like Tokyo and applying to okiyas yourself (better if you know someone who can introduce you to an okasan or a mother of an okiya/geisha house). By the way, do NOT try to apply if you don’t know the language yet; otherwise, absolutely no okiya will take you! • The training of a maiko •

There are several stages to undergo if you train as a maiko. First of all, the stage of…

Shikomi. As you are taken in, you will first be regarded as a shikomi, someone who basically works as a helper for the okiya as you do errands, help other geisha and maiko dress up, etc. — but at the same time you are also slowly being trained into the lifestyle. Example: adjusting to wearing a traditional yukata as normal clothing, growing out your hair, learning the proper demeanor, going to school (kaburejo or nyokobo) to learn the arts of the shamisen instrument, dance, tea ceremony, etc. » This can last for about 6 months before going to the next stage.

Minarai. At this point, you start your formal training and be regarded as a minarai which literally means “learning by watching”. In this stage, you will have an older geisha for a mentor whom you will call onēsan (sister) and this will be a bond that will stay for life. You are then expected to accompany your onesan to ozashiki (dinner banquet events) so that you can sit and observe her as well as other geisha and maiko interact with the customers. Through this way, you will not only gain real insights of the job but you will also gain the chance to know potential clients. At times, your onesan will allow you to perform but she will keep a close eye on you. » This training period starts a month before your official debut as a maiko.

Misedashi. This is your official debut as a maiko and this ceremony is like a grand public party wherein your name will be spread out across the hanamachi. You will also undergo a ritual called as sansankudo (also done in wedding ceremonies) where you exchange cups with your onesan, other geisha, and senior maiko — people who you are now bound to. Afterwards, you are now free to hold your own parties and perform in festivals; but you will always join your onesan at her events and you will also still continue learning from her. » Normally, this stage will last about 4 to 5 years.

David Offf / CC

• Debuting as a geisha •

Erikae. Around the age of 21 to 23, you will be promoted as a full-fledged geisha in yet another public ceremony called erikae or “turning of the collar” wherein as the name implies, they will turn your red collar to white as a sign of your transition to maturity from that of a maiko girl into a geisha woman.

Geisha. You will continue studying, working, and holding ozashiki banquets until you pay off your debts to your okiya. You could also take on a minarai/maiko under your wing. When your debts to your okiya are settled, you may choose to move out, work independently, or continue living in the okiya.

Hiki-iwai. This is a celebration that marks your retirement as a geisha, and it can be because of various reasons: you want to quit the geisha life, you want to pursue another career, you are too old to work publicly, you want to get married, or you want to become an okami-san (proprietress of either an ochaya or okiya).

Realistically-speaking however, not a lot of maiko make it to the geisha level because the lifestyle can be quite difficult. Also, once someone does become a geisha, it’s also common for them to retire within 5 years of their debut.

Anyhow, geisha and maiko alike are celebrated and they have a HUGE fanbase — not only in Japan but worldwide too! » Where to find or see geisha?

The geisha world needs to survive. It used to only be exclusively available for the rich or well-connected Japanese, but now it’s possible for other people as well as tourists to meet and see them through travel agencies and hotels.

But certainly, like I mentioned

Go book a spot in Niigata Hanamachi Chaya’s program in Niigata City. This is the cheapest way to meet, play, and talk to a real geisha up close since you only have to pay 3,000 yen ($26~ of Php 1,300~). It’s very similar to an ozashiki (dinner banquet) experience. To find out more about it…

» READ: Meet, Play & Talk with Niigata’s Furumachi Geigi (Geisha) for Only $26!

.

Go to Miyako Odori in Kyoto. This is a yearly spring dance during April done by Kyoto’s geisha and maiko. Ticket prices start at 2,500 yen ($24~ or Php 1,100~) and you can see more info about this here. .

Go to Kamishichiken in Kyoto during February and July to September. Geisha and maiko of this district serve tea and wagashi (traditional Japanese sweets) to about 3,000 guests in an annual open-air tea ceremony held on February 25 (the plum-blossom festival in the Shinto shrine of Kitano Tenman-gū). Additionally, ever since 2010, there is a beer garden that opens up to the public at the Kamishichiken Kaburenjo Theatre during July to August (6PM to 10PM) where you can get the chance to be served by maiko and geisha. (At night, geisha would also sometimes to traditional dances). .

Go to the narrow alleyways of Gion, Kyoto to catch sight of a maiko or geisha. Their work often starts at around 6PM to 8PM but ordinarily, you can have a better chance of finding geisha or maiko at around 10PM to 11PM on the streets of Gion as they make their way to work. (Again, take note of my tips above on how to spot the real ones!) Unfortunately, there really is NO one guaranteed spot where you can see them because they can be elusive and they can be anywhere! Nevertheless, it’s said that the most common hubs would be the street of Pontocho Alley and Hanamikoji-dori (around 5-6PM) so you can try your chances there.

I managed to catch a glimpse of a real maiko when I was walking through Gion (on my way to Gion Corner). It was all unplanned since I was just following the fastest walking route shown to me by Google Maps! I was mindlessly going through narrow streets when ‘lo and behold, I saw a maiko emerging from a nearby alleyway who proceeded to stand on the corner, seemingly waiting for her taxi. From what I remember, it was around the Tominagacho area; my friends told me that it was possible that the maiko I saw had visited a nearby shrine/temple before going to work (which they usually do).

TIP: If you want to do a guided tour around Kyoto and learn more about the geishas, you can join this geisha districts tour.

NOTE: Don’t expect to see geisha and maiko in their full regalia around Gion during “Obon Festival”, the annual Buddhist event for commemorating the souls of one’s ancestors, because they don’t work at that time. This happens during the middle of August.

ETIQUETTE: Should you ever see a geisha or maiko as you go through the alleyways of Gion, be respectful. Taking a quick photo is fine as long as you don’t get in their way; but of course, it’s also more tactful if you ask for their permission first. Also, NEVER ever touch them and their kimono nor pull them back to make them stop and pose for you; that’s just plain rude BUT also because you have to remember that their kimonos are INCREDIBLY expensive. A famous geisha once said this: “We are not Mickey mouse and this is not Disney World, we are not here to entertain the public, we are here to entertain our patrons.”

.

Go and watch the show at Gion Corner in Kyoto. This is a theater that presents regular one-hour shows of 7 performing arts in Kyoto — one of which is the well-known kyo-mai dance performance by maiko dancers. There are 2 shows everyday at 6PM and 7PM [see schedule here] with prices for adults at 3,150 yen ($30~ or Php 1,400). I went to this show and I loved it! (A lot of people on TripAdvisor left such bad reviews for this show, but that’s mainly because they didn’t read their pamphlet beforehand so that they can understand the rest of the 6 Japanese performances that are apart from the well-anticipated maiko dance.) .

Go to Azuma Odori in Tokyo. A dance performance by the geisha of Shinbanshi, Tokyo are held annually at the Shinbanshi Enbujo Theater in May. (For more info, go here). .

.title-bar:after, .title-bar:before, .title-bar:after, .title-bar:before, h2{ border-color: }

Overall

I hope this article helped in making you gain more insight about the mysterious yet captivating world of geisha and their apprentice maiko. It took me a while to finish this up but I really enjoyed writing it… and I hope you enjoyed it as well!

If in case though that this is the first time you’ve heard of Japan’s geisha, it is therefore also my hope that you’ve now discovered a great appreciation for their wondrous traditions.

P.S.: If you are more knowledgeable about geisha than me and that I’ve accidentally made a false statement above, do let me know in the comments below. After all, I understand that this tradition maintains an air of mysteriousness and anonymity since it adds to their overall ‘allure’; therefore, there might be some conflicting facts online and in some materials and interviews. Regardless, I’m quite confident with the accuracy of the things above especially after doing long hours of research and then conversing with a true-blue geisha to verify my facts. Let me know!

How about you?

What do you think about Japan’s geisha?

Would you want to see or meet them up close? Why or why not?

Or have you already seen or met a geisha or maiko before? How was the experience?

Did you like this article? Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or YouTube and be notified about my newest posts and updates!

The post Understanding the Geisha of Japan: Myths & Facts appeared first on I am Aileen.

[nimbus-cloud]

Something New, Something Old

A belated Kuroken Day collaboration​ ~ Story by @nimbus-cloud Art by @mookie000

Fic continues under the read more

Kuroo Tomoko was a confident woman; not completely lacking in humility as the word ‘pride’ might suggest, no, she was confident.  She had faith in her abilities (and her son’s, whatever she might say), and she held her observational skills in high regard.  It was how she had known her son’s sexuality long before he finally outed himself and how she knew now that Kenma was nervous standing in front of her. 

There were some giveaways. Mostly, he was fidgeting with his fingers and trembling slightly as she wrapped the patterned sash around his waist and knotted it securely in the front, tucking in the ends and smoothing out any lingering wrinkles in the brilliantly patterned silk.  She stuck an obi-ita between his fingers to keep them occupied.

“Hold it to your waist, like this,” she instructed him, and the boy bit his lip and obeyed.

She measured out an appropriate length for the obi tail in the back (about a meter), then began the meticulous process of wrapping and tying it, amazed at herself for the certainty in her motions—it wasn’t like she regularly wore a kimono or dressed others in one.  

“Last chance to back out,” she sing-songed.  “Once I tie the obi, you’re obligated to go out in this.”

Kenma seemed to be considering it, but then he shook his head and straightened his posture some.

“Thank you for helping me,” he mumbled, so quiet she almost didn’t catch it.  “I know it’s... a really weird thing to ask.”

It wasn’t that Kenma enjoyed cross-dressing or wanted to be a girl.  It was only that he had never been able to forget the look on Kuroo’s face when they had been children going to the shrine together for the first time on New Year’s.  Kenma’s mother, doting and sweet and always longing for a girl, had dressed him in an old, long-sleeved kimono she had worn as a young girl.  The boys were young enough to not know any better, and she only took the opportunity for New Year’s.  Kenma had known Kuroo for the better part of the previous year, and because he didn’t want his one friend to think he was weird, he had argued against wearing the kimono that one time.  His mother insisted it would be the last time.  

At age seven, Kuroo Tetsurou saw his neighbor Kenma in bright red silk patterned with iridescent florals and shouted, “Wow, Kenma!  You’re really pretty!”

Seven-year-old Kuroo had held Kenma’s hand the entire time (so that Kenma wouldn’t get lost walking so slow), and had innocently told Kenma he looked like a bride.

As promised, Kenma’s mother never put her son in a furisode again.  

In secret, seventeen-year-old Kenma asked Kuroo’s mother, snarky and intimidating but completely aware and accepting of the two, to loan him one of her old furisode and to help him get into it for New Year’s.  

“It’s not so strange,” Kuroo’s mother smiled as she tied off the obi makura and selected a lightly patterned obi age.  “A long time ago, it used to be that both boys and girls wore furisode up to a certain age.  Before that, sickly young boys were dressed as girls so that they could grow up healthy and strong.  And nowadays, well, who really cares?”  

Kenma could’ve pointed out that, actually, quite a few people cared (which was why he could not have asked this favor of his own mother), but instead said nothing.

It took several more minutes to tie the obi completely, and at this point, Kenma was truly beginning to feel restricted in his movements.  It was hard to believe there was ever a point in time where people wore kimono daily.  

“I wish your hair were longer; we could have had some real fun with styling it and adding those really lavish accessories,” Kuroo’s mother sighed wistfully as she tucked a small kanzashi behind the clip that held up some of Kenma’s hair.  “Oh well.”

She grabbed a fur-collared haori to drape over everything lest Kenma freeze to death outside, tucking and pinning the layers of fabric so everything lay perfectly, then grabbed her bag of cosmetics.

“Is… I don’t know about makeup…” Kenma bit his lip.  

“I know you have a delicate face, which is why you can pull this off without suspicion in public, but you still have certain boyish features, Kenma!”  She brandished a make-up brush like a weapon.  “It won’t be much; just a bit of blush to soften those cheeks and mascara because otherwise those long eyelashes of yours are going to complete waste.”  

Denying her now meant there’d be hell to pay; she promised as much in her wink.  

--

For Kuroo’s part, he couldn’t understand what on earth was taking Kenma so long to get ready.  If Kenma was getting tangled up in his hakama, Kuroo could’ve helped.  He’d managed his own just fine, even if this was his first year wearing one.  If they waited any longer, the crowds would be truly insufferable.  

He was about to go stomping upstairs to ask what was taking so long when he finally heard the door to the bedroom open above him and Kenma’s timid steps coming slowly down the stairs.  

“Ken—“ was all Kuroo could manage before his voice died in his throat, replaced by his pounding heartbeat.

“S-surprise…” Kenma mumbled, fidgeting with his fingers again and questioning his life decisions for the millionth time that week.  He had a hard time meeting Kuroo’s eyes.  

Kuroo’s voice was shit, but at least his legs still worked.  He closed the distance between them slowly and raised a tentative hand to Kenma’s cheek.  

“Your mom put blush on me,” Kenma warned, so Kuroo’s touch was soft against his ear and didn’t linger.

“And glitter,” Kuroo noted.

“It’s never coming off, is it?”

“Never,” Kuroo smirked.

The two of them laughed quietly and nervously, the tension mostly disappearing between them.

“You look really beautiful.”

Where seven-year-old Kuroo had shouted at him with glee all those years ago and called him ‘pretty,’ eighteen-year-old Kuroo was more muted in his response—quiet, hesitant, better word choice.  Kenma wondered if he had felt this embarrassed as a child.  

“Well, come on.”

Kenma held out his hand for Kuroo to take—they’d stand around like this all day if he didn’t move them along.  Kuroo took his hand and laced their fingers carefully, smiling as he quoted his younger self (with some modifications).

“So that my bride doesn’t get lost.”  

 --

Author’s notes

No parents have been named in Haikyuu to date; Tomoko is a random name I chose for Kuroo’s mom, and I chose to spell as 知子, so that her name means “knowing child.”  Because Kuroo mama knows all.

Furisode are the long-sleeved formal wear kimono with bright patterns with the sleeves nearly as long as the kimono itself.  They can be extremely elaborate and are worn only for special occasions (most commonly now for coming-of-age day and New Year’s).  

Kanzashi are decorative hair clips worn with kimono with varying degrees of detail and size.  The most commonly known ones are made with flowers of folded fabric.

A haori is essentially a kimono jacket, worn openly over the entire ensemble and usually falling to the hip or thigh in length.  

The (very) old tradition of dressing young boys as girls was due to infant mortality rates being higher in male infants than in female ones.  Female infants were thus perceived as stronger and healthier and young boys were dressed as girls as a means of promoting good health.  There is a similar tradition in Europe referred to as ‘breeching,’ though practiced for different reasons.

[cryptobully-blog]

The Future Of Bitcoin, From A Finance Perspective - Winklevoss Bitcoin Trust ETF (Pending:COIN)

http://cryptobully.com/the-future-of-bitcoin-from-a-finance-perspective-winklevoss-bitcoin-trust-etf-pendingcoin/

The Future Of Bitcoin, From A Finance Perspective - Winklevoss Bitcoin Trust ETF (Pending:COIN)

Introduction

One of the more controversial topics in the Bitcoin community right now is the debate over what, fundamentally, Bitcoin is. Is it primarily a currency? A store of value? A hybrid of both, or something else entirely? The face of the matter (and part of the fun) is that no one knows. Anyone who says they know exactly what Bitcoin will become is either a liar or a fool. That said, we can make some educated guesses based on an understanding of behavioral economics and a sound grasp of the dynamics that power the global financial system.

Before we talk about what Bitcoin is likely to become, let’s talk about what it almost certainly won’t, and that’s as a currency/medium of exchange. This is, to put it mildly, a controversial view in the online Bitcoin community, which still largely clings to “Satoshi’s Vision”1 with an almost religious fervor. According to this line of thought, if Satoshi’s White Paper says something, then it’s considered established fact. If it doesn’t, it isn’t. And since the White Paper says that Bitcoin is meant to become a currency, then it should be a self evident truth that it’s future is as a currency, and we should leave it at that. As you may have realized by now, I’m not a disciple of Satoshi. I don’t think he’s infallible, and I won’t mindlessly accept his decade old opinions as dogma.

To be clear, Satoshi was obviously a brilliant coder and visionary, and if I were seeking guidance on anything to do with the coding or technical aspects of Bitcoin, he’d be at the top of the list. What he isn’t, though, is an economist. If he were, he would realize that whatever Bitcoin’s future is, it isn’t primarily as a medium of exchange. Why? Because of one of Bitcoin’s main selling points: it is deflationary. Everything we know about human economic behavior tells us that deflationary assets make terrible currencies, because consumers don’t spend them, they save them. This makes perfect intuitive sense. Why would I, as a rational consumer, purchase goods or services in a deflationary currency that I expect to be worth more in the future (and if I didn’t, why would I ever buy Bitcoin in the first place?) when I can make the same purchase in inflationary fiat currency that I know will be worth less? The obvious answer is, of course, I wouldn’t. And when I factor in the fees and costs associated with obtaining my Bitcoin in the first place, and then again at the point of sale, it makes the case for use as a currency fall apart even more. 2

Gresham’s Law

The dynamic we explore above (consumer behavior regarding inflationary currencies vs. deflationary) is simply the modern version of a well established behavioral economic dynamic that has been so consistently observed throughout human history that there’s a name for it; Gresham’s Law3. Specifically, Gresham’s Law states:

“All things being equal, bad money will always drive out good.”

What this means is, assuming two commodities can both be used as money and have the same face value, the money perceived more valuable will soon disappear from circulation, as people spend the “bad” money and hold onto the “good” money. This originally referred to coins with actual precious metal content vs coins that did not (coins with actual gold/silver content tended to be hoarded for their intrinsic value, while less intrinsically valuable coins were spent for their face value), but the dynamic is still the same. Applied to cryptos, the “good” is the one that is expected to rise in value (Bitcoin) while the “bad” money is the one that is known will decrease in value (fiat). So, according to Gresham’s Law, we would expect consumers to spend their fiat, and save their Bitcoin. Which is – unsurprisingly – exactly what we see when we look at the entirety of the Bitcoin experiment. Surely if Bitcoin was going to become a currency, we’d at least see the beginning of that dynamic starting to form. We don’t. To this day, ten years in, even though Bitcoin has gone from being worth nothing to a market cap reaching $200 billion, the usage of any cryptocurrency as a medium of exchange is almost nonexistent. This is yet more evidence that Satoshi was wrong. Even if one allowed that the “Bitcoin as currency” idea was reasonable in 2009, the decade of real world usage since then becomes the much more relevant data point, and if Satoshi tells us one thing, but empirical evidence tells us another, we would be wise to believe in the evidence. Otherwise, Bitcoin becomes a faith based ideology, and that’s something a rational mind cannot accept.

For those that may be disappointed by this, I offer this consolation: Be glad that Bitcoin will never become the world’s primary currency. It would be a disaster of epic proportions. America, like all industrial nations, is primarily a consumer driven economy. Consumer driven economies need a small annual inflation rate to encourage spending. This is why the Fed targets an inflation rate of 2% annually, which is generally regarded as the “sweet spot”: high enough to encourage spending, but low enough to keep the negative effects of inflation (mostly a decoupling of the inflation rate relative to wage growth)at a minimum. Spending is what drives the economy, and anything that discourages spending tends to act as a drag on it. To that end, one of the primary factors that discourages spending is – wait for it – deflationary currencies! If we ever found ourselves in an economy where the only currency available to use was one that was deflationary (and there’s never been a currency even remotely as deflationary as Bitcoin) it would be catastrophic. Consumer spending would plummet to levels not seen before and the economy would enter a recession that would make the Great Depression look like the party. Not an ideal situation. And also, thankfully, almost certainly not going to happen.

With all those words discussing what Bitcoin probably won’t become, let’s spend a few discussing what it probably will.

Store of Value

One surefire way to get into an argument with a old school Bitcoiner is to tell them that Bitcoin’s value lies not as a currency but as a store of value. I’ve yet to hear a persuasive argument against this, but it can cause great agitation. Usually, the argument you’ll hear goes something like this: “nothing can be a store of value unless it first has a use case”. This is both devoid of any basis in fact, and also demonstrably wrong. A store of value is in itself a use case. For a real world example, we need look no further then the #1 store of value in the financial system, gold. “NO!!” this person will tell you. “Gold is used as a store of value because of it’s traditional role as a currency!”. Again, incorrect. Whatever value the market gives to gold in 2017, it is entirely due to whatever use it has in 2017. The market is not going to pay gold (or any asset) because of what it used to do. It will only ever give market share to an asset for what it can do today – or possibly tomorrow – but never yesterday. And since gold is not used as a currency today in any remotely significant way, it is reasonable to surmise that roughly 0% of gold’s market value today is due to it’s historical role as a currency.

Perhaps the confusion is simply semantics. “Store of value” is admittedly vague and loosely defined. Lots of things, with varying levels of effectiveness, can be considered “stores of value” from art, to stamps, to cash, to real estate. For the next few minutes, forget the term. Instead, think of the term “insurance policy.” Nobody doubts that an insurance policy is a real and tangible product that has intrinsic value. Consumers buy insurance to protect themselves from a variety of unpleasant surprises, such as car accidents or untimely death. When people talk about gold as a “store of value” what they’re really talking about is gold as an insurance policy for investor portfolios against a myriad of risks. Inflation, for sure, is one thing investors want to be protected from. But also from market crashes, wars, terrorist attacks, or any other black swan type event. Gold tends to outperform other asset classes during such events, and this fact is why it’s generally considered best practices to have a certain allotment of gold exposure for every portfolio (usually in the 10% range), and why the market currently pays gold several trillion dollars to play this role. So the next time someone tells you that “Bitcoin must have a use case to be a store of value!” remind them that “store of value” is simply another term for “insurance policy” which of course is a use case in and of itself, as evidenced by the multi trillion global insurance industry which does nothing but sell these products. Below, I’ll make the argument that Bitcoin is a superior store of value to gold in every way that matters and – as tends to happen when a superior product comes to market – we should expect Bitcoin to steal market share from gold in the coming years. In doing so, I’ll lay out a case for Bitcoin to become a major pillar of the global financial system, with a market cap in the trillions (which would imply a Bitcoin price probably well into the six figures). All this, without the need to ever be used in any significant way as a medium of exchange.

What Is a Store of Value?

Contrary to what some may say, gold is not currently the financial systems primary insurance policy (i.e. “store of value”) because of it’s historical role as a currency. There is a connection, but this has it backwards; rather, the same properties that made gold a logical choice for an Iron Age currency also make it a logical choice for a modern age financial insurance policy. What properties make for a good store of value? This list is by no means exhaustive, but the primary ones are:

Rarity

Difficult to counterfeit (ideally impossible)

Ability to track total global supply (the more accurate, the better)

Divisibility

Broad recognition and acceptance

I’ll briefly discuss each one and compare the properties of each asset in relation to it.

Rarity

Probably the most important property of a store of value is that the supply cannot be easily or artificially increased, as any material that could be would cannot be easily produced (i.e. rare) and it cannot be easy to counterfeit. For our Iron Age ancestors, gold fit the bill. It occurs so rarely in the natural world that total supply could not grow faster then the wealth it was meant to store, which meant it held onto that value quite well. At the risk of stating the obvious, the more difficult it is to increase supply of a store of value asset, the better, especially in the modern world of inflationary fiat currencies. As these inflationary currencies inevitably lose value over time, an asset that has a static or much slower increase in supply will tend to keep it’s value (or appreciate) over time relative to the fiat currencies they’re priced in. This is one of the primary purposes of a modern store of value: to retain or appreciate it’s value relative to inflationary fiat currencies. A commodity that is insufficiently rare would not be able to achieve this objective. Note “rarity” in this context doesn’t mean how rare something is in society. It simply means the ease which with it can be produced. As good as gold performs in this regard, it can’t beat Bitcoin. Bitcoin’s algorithm places a hard cap on the number of coins that will ever be produced, only 21 million Bitcoins will ever be mined. That’s it. Once those are produced, the supply will remain static forever. Of the 21 million coins, approximately 17 million have already been mined. That means 80% of the entire possible supply already exists, and the rest will be mined at such a steady and predictable rate that we can accurately estimate when the final coin will be produced (which should occur on or around 2140 AD, give or take a year, (although as we can see in Fig 1, the majority will be mined within a few decades). In the context of ever inflating fiat currencies, this hard cap on supply suggests an asset that is superior to gold in the role of inflation hedge.

Gold: Rare

Bitcoin: Rarer

Edge: Bitcoin

(Fig 1)

Difficult to Counterfeit

Obviously, a substance that can be easily copied is useless as a store of value. Gold was an early winner in this contest. It had physical properties that even an Iron Age merchant could be reasonably sure of it’s legitimacy: extreme malleability, unusual heft, and a distinct soft warm glow combined to make gold a uniquely suitable metal, very difficult to counterfeit. To this day there are very few naturally occurring substances that are superior to gold in these areas. Of course, Bitcoin is not a naturally occurring substance. Bitcoin isn’t difficult to fake or counterfeit; it’s impossible. It’s beyond the scope of this article to discuss the specific mathematical algorithms that secure the blockchain (here’s a short video if you want a summary and there’s plenty of information available online if you want to really dig into the weeds). If you’re mathematically inclined, here’s a mathematician’s explanation of what it would take to “hack” Bitcoin. Long story short, it would take the fastest supercomputers around 6 times longer then the age of the universe (about 78 billion years) and would require more power then humans currently produce. Needless to say, it’s not gonna happen.

Gold: Hard to counterfeit

Bitcoin: Impossible to counterfeit

Edge: Bitcoin

Trackability of Global Supply

It goes without saying that any asset used as a vehicle to store value or act as an inflation hedge needs to have a mechanism so that investors can accurately track it’s global supply. Without that information, price discovery would be impossible. The more accurately investors can handicap global supply, the more effective that asset will be as a store of value. Any fuzziness on the supply side of the equation will lead to a proportionate inefficiency on the price side. Thus, the more precisely the market can know the supply, the more efficiently it can price the asset, and if there’s one thing markets love, it’s efficiency. As far as traditional investment assets go, gold has been the (pardon the pun) gold standard in this regard. It’s long history of being valued by almost everyone means that, for the most part, most gold ever mined still sits in circulation, which allows investors to have a reasonably accurate estimate of total global supply. Of course we cannot be 100% precise. Surely there is some gold that has been hoarded and forgotten, lost at sea, sitting in grandma’s attic, etc. Not to mention we know very little about how much gold was mined in prehistoric times, even though gold artifacts over 6000 years old are known to exist. None of it huge amounts, but tally it all together and it certainly would be enough to give a fairly broad margin of error in global gold stock estimates, with estimates between 5-20%. All in all, the fact that our gold supply estimates are probably the most accurate of all asset doesn’t mean that it’s satisfactory. Even a 5% margin for error can mean hundreds of billions of dollars are misallocated in gold, and creates distortions in the global market. Contrast that with Bitcoin. Because of it’s digital nature, we can accurately assess the total global supply down to the nearest decimal point, in real time. This sort of accuracy is unheard of and in this regard Bitcoin simply has no peer in the current global financial system. This sort of hyper accuracy makes price discovery much easier, and much, much more efficient, a crucial property for any asset vying to dethrone gold as the primary store of value asset.

Gold: reasonably accurate supply tracking (by traditional standards)

Bitcoin: Hyper accurate, real time supply tracking

Edge: Bitcoin

Divisibility

One of the properties of gold that made it an early favorite as money thousands of years ago was it’s divisibility. Gold truly is amazingly malleable. A single gram of the stuff can be beaten into a uniform 1 sq ft sheet. It can be beaten so thin that it becomes transparent while still holding it’s integrity. This sort of malleability made it very easily divisible for our ancestors. Divisibility allowed merchants and consumers the ability to customize their economic behavior to match the resources they have available. Tiny amounts of gold could be separated from larger chunks for smaller purchases, and many small chunks could easily be smelted into one large piece. In the modern world, divisibility is less important, but it’s still a relevant factor. As you may have guessed, Bitcoin’s divisibility is basically infinite. Not literally, of course, but the smallest available unit is the Satoshi, a unit that can be measured to 8 decimal points (0.00000001 BTC). At a Bitcoin price of $15,000/USD, one Satoshi would cost investors $0.00015. Needless to say, this is for all practical purposes, infinite divisibility, and allows investors the ability to purchase exactly as much or as little as they need to protect the rest of their investment portfolio.

Gold: Really good

Bitcoin: Infinitely better

Edge: Bitcoin

Broad Recognition and Acceptance

This is self explanatory. If value is in the eye of the beholder, the best stores of value will also be the ones with the most broad based recognition and acceptance. It goes without saying that gold has passed this test with flying colors throughout all of recorded human history. This is the one property that gold retains a decisive edge over Bitcoin. It’s also the only one that is not a fundamental property of the asset itself (i.e. Bitcoin could some day overtake gold in acceptance, but gold will never be more divisible then Bitcoin, or be able to be inventoried more accurately). There is much game theory involved in store of value assets. They rely on the “common knowledge” dynamic for their value. For example, gold has value because it’s “common knowledge” that other people value it as well. The more confident I am that I can reuse that gold to purchase my own goods and services later, the more likely I am to accept gold as payment for the goods or services I’m providing. To that end, the only thing required here in longevity. Bitcoin is in that weird middle ground between “definitely not going to be a permanent thing” and “definitely a permanent thing”. The longer Bitcoin sticks around and retains value on the global Bitcoin exchange (especially if that value keeps going up) the more investors will gain confidence that it is indeed sticking around, and eventually, as the market matures, it will become “common knowledge” that Bitcoin has value, and investors will be much more open to using Bitcoin as a store of value asset.

Gold: Universally recognized and accepted as valuable

Bitcoin: Trending in the right direction, but not there yet

Edge: Gold

And there you have it. Of all the inherent properties of the two assets, Bitcoin is superior to gold in almost every way that matters. As well, beyond the purely physical properties, there are other dynamics at play that would cause the global financial community to prefer Bitcoin over gold as the go-to store of value asset. Storage and transportability, for example. Gold is heavy. It’s costly to transport and protect. And of course, it exists in the physical world, which puts it at a distinct disadvantage to a digital asset that can be transported anywhere in the world instantly for a fraction of a fraction of the cost of transporting gold. It can be safeguarded for far less (security will consist of best practice protocols and redundant digital security rather then the expensive and cumbersome brute force of armed guards and steel vaults). The costs of guarding and transporting gold is passed on to investors, and the significantly reduced overhead costs of dealing with Bitcoin means that savings would get passed on to investors and less of their capital would get eroded in fees and overhead.

Another dynamic that could propel Bitcoin to become a major asset class is as a safe haven. Safe haven assets are places where investors can put their capital during times of global tensions or some form of geopolitical worries. Gold is a safe haven asset. So are some currencies, such as the USD and JPY. The thinking goes, these currencies belong to the worlds largest, most stable economies. They should be able to weather the storm better then perhaps some other risky assets. A flaw in all these assets is they are not separate from the global financial system, they’re a part of it. Putting your capital into the Yen of USD to protect it during geopolitical tensions isn’t going to do much good if the tensions are that, hypothetically, North Korea detonates a nuke over Tokyo, or a trade war erupts between America and China. Bitcoin has the benefit of being outside the system. It has no physical location, it can’t be destroyed. As Bitcoins use as a store of value increases (and with it, investor confidence) it seems likely that many investors will also come to see it as a superior safe haven asset for these and other reasons, and this should allow Bitcoin to grab even more market share from other global assets in this class.

Valuation Model

In Part 1, I teased a valuation model based on this theory. Due to the fuzzy picture surrounding Bitcoin’s future, it is of course rudimentary and rough around the edges, but at least it’s something we can use as an anchor in the fool’s errand that is valuing cryptocurrencies, something that gives us at least somewhat of a solid footing – tenuous though it may be – in this sea of volatility and uncertainty. Follow along:

It is estimated that global gold inventories sits at around 187,000 metric tonnes. At today’s prices that means gold’s total market cap is just shy of $8 trillion. Of all the gold available, around 32% is used as investments/held by central banks. This is the gold that the global financial industry uses as a store of value/inflation hedge/safe haven. In other words, the global finance industry gives gold a roughly $2.56 trillion valuation to act as nothing but a store of value. Using this rough data, I’ve written a quick and dirty equation to give us a rough valuation tool. It is:

Bitcoin price/coin = (P x 2.56) ÷ 0.000021*

*where P represents how much market share Bitcoin will take from gold, in percentage and expressed as a decimal. The 2.56 is in trillions, and the 0.000021 represents the 21 million coin supply.

Even in the most optimistic scenarios, Bitcoin is not going to completely usurp gold’s market share, and this is where your own judgment comes in. You need to decide how much market share you think Bitcoin is most likely to steal from gold and apply that to the equation. So, for example, if you believe Bitcoin will take 65% of gold’s market share over the next few decades, simply plug in 0.65 for P and you’ll get your answer.

(0.65 x 2.56) ÷ 0.000021 = $79,238/coin

Note that this is simply a valuation tool for only the scenario mentioned above, that Bitcoin eventually supplants gold as the primary (or at least a major) store of value asset class for the global financial system. This does not take into account any value for any other role or use Bitcoin may establish as it moves along towards maturity, which is almost a given should the above theory come to pass. As inevitably happens with transformative technologies, there will almost certainly be use cases for Bitcoin that nobody is even thinking about right now, so the above tool leaves significant upside to the valuation and should be looked at as conservative (assuming, of course, the scenario we envisioned above comes to pass). Obviously, don’t make any major investment decisions based solely on this. This is just a rudimentary tool that may be helpful in addition to your own analysis. It is not on it’s own meant to be predictive, more of a rough guide.

Conclusion

All in all, when we consider the properties of gold and analyze why it’s currently used as the go to store of value for the global financial system, and then consider that in almost every important factor Bitcoin is superior, it’s reasonable to assume that, as tends to happen, the superior product will gradually steal market share from the inferior one. This theory needs to be taken with a Dead Sea’s worth of salt, however. It would be wrong to say it’s likely, if only because cryptocurrencies are so new, and so disruptive, and so unlike anything in the financial system today that anybody who says with full confidence that they know what Bitcoin will become is either a fool or a liar. There are so many variables and such a convoluted dynamic at play that any theory espoused today (including mine) cannot be said to be “likely”. As Bitcoin slowly matures over the next few years, it’s future will become more and more clear. Today, however, we’re all just groping around in the dark trying to apply existing facts and theories to an unprecedented asset class. That said, I believe that of all the theories out there today, the one outlined above is probably the most likely outcome. I should also point out that Bitcoin is not, at present, considered a store of value. It has far too much volatility, a condition that will likely persist for a few years as the market matures. The market is still in the adoption/legitimization phase, which is characterized by intense volatility and large % gains/losses. Slowly, as the market matures over the next 10 years, the volatility will settle down, the price will become more stable, and investors will begin to think of Bitcoin as a much better candidate for a store of value.

Satoshi Nakamoto, the legendary inventor of Bitcoin, is regarded by many almost as a messianic figure in the online community. The name is a pseudonym, and to this day, no one knows who he/she is, or even if they’re still alive. His infamous White Paper published in 2009 served as an introductory document to introduce and explain Bitcoin to the world.

There are other factors that would discourage spending cryptos vs fiat beyond the deflation vs inflation dynamic. The fees incurred to GET the Bitcoin in the first place, which can range from 1-5% spending on the fees your exchange charges. Then there’s the fees from the actual transfer to the merchant, which aren’t large, but are non zero numbers. You know what never has fees when making purchases? Fiat. So the “Bitcoin as currency” idea assumes that millions of consumers will not only choose to spend their deflationary Bitcoin over their inflationary fiat currency, but they’ll also pay a fee between 1-5% on each transaction for the privilege of doing so. Not going to happen.

The word “law” in Gresham’s Law is simply colloquial. Economic laws are not laws in the same way that a law is in, say, physics. The law of gravity is never broken, not once. Of course Gresham’s “law” has and will be broken all the time. There will always be somebody buying goods or services with Bitcoin for one reason or another. Lots of illegal purchases, such as drugs or guns, are done in Bitcoin for obvious reasons. Many people have ideological reasons. “Spending Bitcoin is how Satoshi meant for it to be used”, they think, “and so I’ll spend it, even if it’s not a strictly rational economic decision.” Kind of a “be the change you wish to see” type thing. But for the 99% of consumers who could not care less about the ideology of their money and will simply make the economically rational choice about their finances, they won’t use it as a currency. Certainly not in nearly enough numbers to achieve the critical mass of buying and selling in Bitcoin that Satoshi had envisioned.

Disclosure: I am/we are long BTC.

I wrote this article myself, and it expresses my own opinions. I am not receiving compensation for it (other than from Seeking Alpha). I have no business relationship with any company whose stock is mentioned in this article.

Editor’s Note: This article covers one or more stocks trading at less than $1 per share and/or with less than a $100 million market cap. Please be aware of the risks associated with these stocks.

Bitcoin

[greattechnomancer]

((WARNING: Massive Text Scroll))

More old art. These are the eight houses of Gondra (dragon people I made up). Each house aligns with a school of magic. There’s fire, water/ice, nature, stone, storm, light, darkness, and arcane. Each house is color coded. While their are physical differences between houses, most Gondra are between 6′5 and 7 feet tall, with human proportions. All Gondra boast a resistance to natural diseases, poisons, and magic. Weaponized diseases, artificial poisons, and unnatural or supernatural magics are especially effective against them. They are all exceptionally strong, intelligent, and hard to kill. The trade off is that they are all slow and scary looking. To compensate for their speed, most Gondra have wings to carry them quickly through the air. All Gondra wear clothes, but with the exception of the White and Black Gondra, aren’t at all bothered by nudity.

The Red Gondra live in a volcano on the island of Nogard. They can breathe fire, resist fire, and are exceptionally gifted with red magic, though they can learn any school other than water/ice. They make talented warriors and exceptional artists. They are also skilled with words and always seem to find gold when they need it. Their’s not much else to say about the Red house. They were the first house I made, so their kind of the default house.

The Blue Gondra live inside a naturally grown temple of coral, barnacles, and other such aquatic life forms. Unlike most Gondra, they have neither horns nor wings. What they have instead, however, are spiny fins and jelly fish-like tentacles where their hair would be. They can breathe underwater and spit a light blue liquid that, when spat in water, creates an inky cloud. Outside of the water, however, this liquid reacts with the air and freezes, allowing them to “breathe” ice at their foes. When the weather turns cold and the water freezes, so do they. Their fins and webbing shrivel, leaving the spines exposed. Their bodies become more solid and dense, increasing their strength and defense, but reducing their speed and reaction times. They excel with blue magic, but can’t use red magic.

The Green Gondra live in the Elven Forest, supposedly, but no one can ever seem to find them, not even the caravans of wood elves who also call the forest home. You won’t even find them if you have business with them, they’ll find you. They’re the only house of Gondra whose females don’t have horns. (The gondra depicted here is the Eldest Sister of the Green House, her status gives her horns.) While the Green Gondra are the same average height as the other houses, they’re proportioned less like humans and more like the elves for which their forest is named. They can expel a poisonous gas cloud towards their foes and have more insectile wings, and have four of them. (Get it? The natural dragon people have the wings of a DRAGON fly? Get it? GET IT?) They are by fair the fastest and most agile of the Gondra, though that still only makes them about as fast as the average human. They excel with green magic, but can’t use arcane magic.

The Grey Gondra live in a cave system under a barren, stony landscape. They have neither wings, nor horns, but instead, large spikes all over their segmented body. They are the only Gondra who have these large bone plates, as the rest have scales. The Grey Gondra are the same average height as the rest, though they’re proportioned more like dwarves. They have the highest defense of all the Gondra, but are abysmally slow, even for the Gondra. They have only one ability that allows them to overcome their bulk; It takes awhile, but a Grey Gondra at walking pace can increase to a calm trot, which after a few moments becomes a leisurely jog, only to moments later became a lazy sort of half run, only to become an actual run a few seconds later, and then a sprint, and then a full on, head lowered, charge. The faster they go, however, the less control they have. Once at a full charge, they can only stop by colliding with something more stubborn than they are. They can start at a full charge by crouching down in a runner’s position, but this requires them to build up and then release a large amount of stone magic. They can also petrify their foes by staring into their eyes, giving them enough time to actually make it over to them. They excel with grey magic, but can’t use purple magic.

The Purple Gondra live in a temple at the top of a mountain. They have two sets of wings for enhanced flight capabilities, and have thin, wispy hair. They are resistant to storm magic (including both wind and electricity type spells) and can fire bolts of lightning from there mouths. They are most similar to the red Gondra, though more refined. They are the second most pious of the Gondra. Like the Red Gondra, there’s not really much to say about them, other than they’re better than you. They excel with purple magic, but can’t use grey magic.

I... don’t actually know where the White Gondra live. I know they live in a city-temple... But I never actually placed it on any maps or anything... oops. Anyway, The white Gondra can chant ancient words of power, gathering white magic in front of their mouths, and then discharging it as a beam of white hot light. They are the most pious of the Gondra and, unlike most Gondra, are appalled by nudity. They have the strictest traditions of the Gondra, having to wake up before dawn each day to welcome the return of the light of day. They are the least frightening of the Gondra and speak in an archaic way. They excel with white magic, but can’t use black magic.

The Gondra live on and in a deserted island whose main mineral make up is sodium, causing even the surrounding water to be lifeless. By whispering dark secrets, the Black Gondra can gather black magic in front of their mouths, which they than fire off in a concentrated pillar of darkness. They are the most horrifying of the Gondra and delight in watching other races cower from them. They love putting others outside of their comfort zones. To this end, all of their “clothing” is designed to draw attention to the areas they cover. They are the only Gondra capable of eating and digesting dead or rotting meat, though most don’t. While their wings may seem nonfunctional, they’re not. While their wings can’t work mechanically, due to the holes and what not, they can be used to channel black magic, allowing them to lift themselves with the powers of darkness. They excel with black magic, but can’t use white magic. 

The Eighth House is a mystery wrapped inside an enigma. They only exist when none of the other houses do. They are the ancient advanced race that mysteriously disappeared, taking their secretes with them. They are the Atlantians, they are the Chozo, they are the Old Kingdom. There exist only in the past and the future, never the present. They have no known physical form. All that remains of them are ruins and crystalline constructs, capable of carrying out basic tasks, and coming equipped with personalities of their own. Some mages speculate that the constructs might be imbued with the souls of Gondra from the Eighth House, but this is just speculation.