#scared of being alone

[howifeltabouthim]

Their interactions felt safe and dull, and she didn't know how to turn her feelings for him into love. But she was flattered by his attentions, and being with him was better than being alone. So she dutifully dated him, and she tolerated his kisses, and it all meant very little to her. She always hoped that something he said or did would create a spark in her, but everything continued on the same dreary plane.

Anna Biller, from Bluebeard's Castle

[cherryfairy-2000]

sometime in spring 2023

I reconnected with my first love recently, 7 years after the end of our relationship and 4 years after the last time I saw him. In between those timelines and lifetimes, I often thought of him as the only one I’d ever love like that. The only soul tie I had ever created. I have loved and been loved since him in those timelines and lifetimes and I believed I had proven myself wrong a few times but the end never felt the way it did when he left. He was the first person to show my young jaded heart that love was real, even when it ended. I remember the rant I gave my mother at the dinner table with tear filled eyes. I was 16 experiencing my first heartbreak and no feeling I had ever experienced had ever felt that real. I spoke highly of him still, through my shattered heart and swollen eyes, tears still racing down my cheeks and eyes that have gotten no sleep. I spoke of gratitude; how grateful I was to love like that, to be loved like that. To feel so deeply and connect to someone in such a way at such a young age.

“The pain was worth it!” I kept repeating, sobbing. “I would go back and only love him harder despite knowing the inevitable end! I would only love him harder and hold him tighter!”

My mother looked over at her 16 year old daughter, crying with gratitude over a broken heart and replied “you are so beautiful.” She herself experienced heartbreak, the end of a marriage just the year before mine and was still in the painful grief process. She was the first of the family to experience heartbreak, a lost love, and I was second. The eldest daughter out of three kids, the middle child and yet I have fallen in and out of love more times than anyone else in my family. They watch my tireless attempts at finding that feeling again like I am a creature at a zoo, dumbfounded at my fearlessness of getting my heart broken again.

He sat across from me for the first time in 4 years and I started to mentally count and compare all the differences I’d notice from the man in front of me to the boy that used to lie in my arms and live in my heart. He has a beard now and I notice chest hair peeking out from the top of his t-shirt. His hair is much shorter and seems darker, still messy but nothing like the shoulder length light blond hair I used to intertwine my fingers in. His smile was the same, his mannerisms too; like the way he uses his hands to talk when he's being lighthearted and playful. He spoke more confidently now, aware and comfortable in his skin. His body resembles more of a man than a lanky young boy which caught me off guard a bit. His eyes haven't changed either and the feeling of his stare has the same effect after all this time.

He told me about his life, his journey through grief and suffering. How he's been committed to healing everything that he avoided in his youth. He can finally cry now, the pressure he used to feel in his face is no longer there. He wears a big tiger's eye crystal around his neck and smiles wider now. His laugh is more full body like he's accepted joy into his life like never before. I had to hold back tears when I noticed all of the similarities and differences I found.

I felt the disconnect from the present, and a simultaneous hyper awareness of all the lives I lived in his absence. This feeling rushed through my veins, like the caffeine from a double shot of espresso or the head rush that follows a sober cigarette. He says “You look the same, but your energy is more you; calmer.” I told him about my life the past 4 years and although I experienced traveling and life in many ways; the common pattern is my habit of getting in and out of relationships. My heart has broken about 5 times since the end of our relationship, in the past 7 years. The men I’ve dated become no more than a stranger to me after a year. How devoted I am to loving even though I was rarely loved back in the same capacity is confusing to him.

“Do you believe you deserve love?” He asked me.

“Are you afraid of being alone?”

I lingered on that thought. Embarrassed. When was the last time I was single? Alone with nowhere to put my love other than myself and my world? I had just moved into my first apartment with my current boyfriend. He's gentle, treats me well and loves me so much. The healthiest relationship I’ve ever experienced in my adulthood. But I can’t help but think we've only been dating for 6 months and not even a month before I met him I was in Greece with a completely different lover. I didn’t choose the city we moved to, he did and I was okay with it. I didn’t plan anything about Greece, he did but I was okay with it. These men that court me plan futures with me in their heads and I fear I just simply play the part... Do I allow myself any say in these futures? Or am I just okay with it? Is the concept of falling and staying in love more important to me than my own journey to find myself? Healing myself? The spiritual path I have always been drawn to but always ignored because the people I allowed myself to love never took that part of me seriously, never mind joining me on the same path.

[fairycosmos]

i don’t understand how people hold down jobs i don’t understand how people develop long term relationships and friendships i don’t understand how people casually cope with cruelty i don’t understand how people pursue their passions i don’t understand how people can afford anything

[templetv]

the way I crave a parent who, not only loves me, but likes me, and notices me is so so embarrassing

[enii]

🐞🐞

[thenamesapollo]

state of deltarune theories is so so bad cuz they all try to connect back to the theme of escapism without noticing that that theme isn't even in deltarune.

[duusheen]

Sterling is back at work now his medical leave is over, so Hope is a little sad not to have her husband home with her—but now she has Pandora, who's a bit more willing to spend more than five minutes with her in the same room. It's progress, I guess 😌

[puppetmaster13u]

Prompt 310

Shadow core Danny? Shadow core Danny with Hazmat AU? Indeed, with a hint of a twist. 

See that hazmat helmet beneath the hood? Yeah that’s erm, that might be his actual face now. It might be able to split open into a proper maw, as he found out during one of the early fights. He thinks it might be a shadow-core thing though, because Fright Knight has something similar, along with the Keeper. Who's apparently a ghost that keeps track of other shadow-ghosts, which, cool. Cool library covered in flesh, nothing spooky there. 

He mentions this? Because apparently even if all ghosts partially feed on emotions, shadow cores need Fear the most. Which, thankfully shadow cores are apparently more rare than he’d expect, so he’s not going to go into a territorial frenzy or something on a bad day, yay! 

But uh, he might… count as a ghostling since he’s only a year dead- in fact he’ll continue to be as such until he’s at least 100 years dead, since he didn’t die as an adult. Which in turn… means he needs even more fear, at least until he’s old enough to generate it on his own. 

So what’s a ghostling to do? Take a trip to one of the most fear-soaked cities in the world, y’know, just a little weekend trip every month. Gotham isn’t that bad, and he can stay invisible- mostly! What’s going to happen, he run into a vigilante? Ha… oh no.

[blizardstar]

Me when Ashton Greymoore is denied honorable and meaningful self-sacrifice, and now must face the reality that they MUST keep living after it’s All Over

[howifeltabouthim]

It's all such a charade, she thought, this pretending to be in love just to avoid being alone. I want to love him, but you can't force yourself to fall in love with someone, let alone marry them, just because they want you to.

Anna Biller, from Bluebeard's Castle

[elysiae]

do you think operator & drifter treat their warframes wildly differently?

somewhat insufficient TLDR: i think the operator and drifter are emotionally attached but in vastly, strikingly different ways, and it manifested very, very differently too.

in operator's case, it isn't that they dont *care*, but they know how durable a warframe is. they know they can take one hell of a hit, and they'll be okay because that warframe takes the brunt of it (albeit with some phantom pain if the damage is bad enough). theyre less comfortable outside the confines of those large, bulky war machines because they know they're ultimately safe. those warframes can take hits. they cannot. the operator knows they were people, but they never met those people before the tragedy. besides... a lot of them really are just empty shells. they're hardly the people they once were, especially since they recreated those warframes from blueprints. don't get me wrong, they do remember the anguish of the originals - they were there, they lived it, and they still have empathy for them... but the operator knows the limits of every warframe like the back of their hand - they can maneuver however they want, they can take hits, they can run into armies and not be too afraid because they (as in the operator and the warframe this time) be fine. even if the warframe is damaged, they can fix the damage, so no harm done.

but drifter on the other hand? at first i think they never really realised the power they had. in their mind they were still them, just running, rolling on the occasion, it took them ages to maneuver those things *properly*, and probably only ever really learned with the operator's guidance. they would not let a warframe take a hit, not because they felt empathy for it (at least not a lot, last i checked you kind of need at least *some* to have effective transference?) but because they were so used to walking around vulnerable. yknow, not inside a killing machine. but what would've really solidified the difference was after they went to 1999. sure, hearing that these things used to be people is one thing, but at the end of the day, to drifter, they're still just machines. drifter never got to experience what the tenno did, they never had to deal with reaching into their freshly scarred minds to ease their anger, sorrow, fear, rein them in like the terrified animals they were turning into and hush their cries with understanding - they only knew the dead inside remnants... but it's an entirely other thing when you go to the past and see the people who were hurt. you meet them and you get to know them, become their best friends - maybe even date one of them - and it hit drifter like a fuckin' freight train. they have this entirely different view on warframes from that cold perspective they had at first. they weren't just war machines. those are people. every time they go into the head of those machines, they're looking through the eyes of *people.* people who had families and desires and hobbies, things they looked forward to, entire futures ahead of them that were snuffed out. people who were scared, people who didn't know what was happening. people who knew what was happening, who lived in fear knowing they weren't able to stop it... people who lived in fear of losing themselves. and i think it hit drifter a lot harder than they'd ever admit.

but thats not to say one of them is more attached than the other - both of them care deeply about their warframes. it's just that, they have different ways of looking at them. after all their experiences were so vastly different, it'd be impossible to look at them the same way.

(too lazy to type it out all over, but i have an example in the tags i think kinda helps pull it together more)

[dragqueenstarscream]

man, i don't usually talk about bumblebee, but

imagine bumblebee having a difficult time recharging and coming to you for help. you join him in the garage, concerned for this poor bot. he looks somewhere between embarrassed and exhausted, optics downturned, his antennae pinned back like a sad puppy's ears. he's beeping something at you, and while outsiders might not know what he's doing, you've learned to decipher what he's trying to say by now.

grabbing a blanket to make yourself more comfortable in the cold garage, you take a seat on the hard linoleum. bumblebee curls up in the fetal position with his head on your lap. the moment his head rests on your thighs, you hear him exvent deeply, something like a relaxed sigh.

you already know how to help him relax by now. you smile as you start gently massaging his head, neck, and shoulder plating, your tiny fingers reaching spots between his seams which his thicker fingers just can't. you can always tell when you've hit a good spot by his happy little trills. as you work, you hum to him a sappy love song he plays to you on his radio whenever the two of you drive together. you have a suspicion that it's one of his favorites; his excited beeping confirms your suspicion. every once in a while, between rubbing the dust from his head vents and tracing your thumbs along his cheeks, you sneak a hand up and playfully toy with his antennae. this usually gets you a surprised crackle of static, followed by a flurry of flustered beeps. you always laugh and apologize with a kiss.

how long it takes for bumblebee to enter recharge depends on the day. sometimes it's a minute or two, sometimes it's half an hour. but either way, eventually, his optics offline, his vents whirring softly in what can only be called robotic snoring. you're careful to work yourself out from under him without letting his head thunk against the linoleum and possibly wake him up. once you're certain that he's in recharge, you gently kiss him on the cheek one more time and drape the blanket you were wearing over his still form. it's not big enough to cover him, but having something of yours there with him soothes him if he emerges from recharge after a nightmare. besides, the sight of a giant robot tucked under a blanket is cuter than words can say.

with one last whisper of, "goodnight, bumblebee. i love you," you close the garage door behind you and go to bed, ready to rejoin him in the morning.

[peace-hunter]

This might not happen but...

In your Haunted Prime AU

Would the Primes try to encourage Optimus to adopt Bee and start encouraging him even more more they found out about that Bee was Sub level 50 for who knows how long?

as a little brother certainly! i think Optimus and Bee are closer in age in TF:One than they are in other continuities so their relationship is more fraternal than anything!

but the Primes absolutely encourage anything that involves Optimus having more friends. they're incredibly glad to be able to help and support OP but they definitely think his support network should have some actual living bots and not just ghosts.

most of them are immediately endeared to Bee and the novelty of being able to communicate with someone other than Optimus, even if it has to be through Micronus, makes him a instant favorite.

finding out how isolated Bee had been and for how long only makes them more resolved to have OP spend more time with him. two birds one stone kinda deal.

haunted au

[smile-files]

NO ONE ELSE CAN HELP YOU

NO ONE ELSE CAN HELP YOU

(objectober 2024 day 20: dream)

[all-lee24]

Radahn designs + Headcanons

Lands between's biggest horse girl

[wolfsong-the-bloody-beast]

*giggles, twirls her hair*