#self diagnosed autism? who knows. both autism and adhd run in the family.

[mai-komagata]

last reblog about the autistic kid

one thing i never check in "are you autistic" quizzes is "do you like routine" b/c i don't like routine. I find it boring. I like traveling and doing random things today and not doing all the boring repetitive chores. But! i do like knowing what will happen when. I like 30 min warnings for things. I want to see the hiking trail map before we go. I like being able to rehearse scripts and interactions in my head ahead of time. I want to know the order things will happen and when. I don't want boring same every time sex but i want to know what we are doing beforehand (maybe this is why bdsm appeals). We can do a last minute thing, just let me context switch appropriately. Anyway, the story had the parents being like "this kid cannot do anything without a routine" and the babysitter is like "i just needed to let them know things were happening with some warning". And like, yeah, if people refuse to give you warnings you resort to routines b/c its better than being surprised. Like maybe "autistics desire routine" is more like "autistics desire being able to emotionally prepare for the day, and routine is a convenient way to do that, vs actually giving them agency or communicating."

[tiramisuwithmascarpone]

Hello! I'm a 15-year-old devotee of both Lord Hermes and Lady Aphrodite who is raised in an extremely Orthodox Christian household, and I would like to share my story with you ⋆˚ʚɞ

Hi! for safety reasons I will not use the name I usually use online for this account, but you can call me Jellyfish. I live in Eastern Europe, more exactly Romania, a country whose population is 98% devoted to Christianity at the time of speaking. My mother is a perfect example. She wholeheartedly believes in God, I grew up with pictures of him and the Holy Mary all over the walls, which I wouldn't escape even at my grandparent's houses. My house always smelled of myrrh, I would carry a picture of God everywhere I went, I would pray to him before bed, go to church on every holiday, but I never felt fulfilled or connected to him in any way. I didn't truly know what I believed in. My mother was telling me all about how should I praise God, but I don't think I ever did it because I wanted to or felt connected to what she was telling me or felt like it was the life I wanted to live. When she would fight with my father, even now, she would threaten that she would run away to a monastery and become a nun. She thinks you cannot change your religion and you can not be Christian if you were born with Christian parents and raised in that environment. I did not have faith in God because I wanted to and felt connected to his message and wanted to worship his divine being, I did it because my mother felt that way. And that destroyed me.

As I grew older, I started believing less and less in God. I was struggling with going through teenagehood, fighting my own inner battles, and dealing with friendship that slowly felt like they were taking away my lifespan, and it wasn't just that I didn't have faith in a divine being (which is completely alright. Please do not believe this monologue is Anti-Christian, I believe everyone is allowed to believe and worship the one who they feel most connected and inclined towards.) I didn't have faith in anything anymore. When my brother reached 15, he hated my parents for their beliefs. I will not get much I detail since his story is not mine to tell, but he had battled with alcohol and substance abuse. And I was his only shoulder for him and my parents to lean and cry on. My mother told me to pray for our family, she would pray to god every day, light up myrrh, take me to churches, and I would feel miserable. I felt like an imposter in that church. I truly wanted to have faith in a god, anyone, but I felt like my only choice was God since that's what my mother taught me. Both my parents trust God so I cannot be different, can I?

How foolish I was. I can only look back to my past self and wish to embrace and hold her till she cries all her sorrow out. She was so confused.

Back in 2022, I had first heard of Aphrodite. My brother was sent to a mental hospital for his substance abuse when they caught him on the verge of overdosing. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder after a suicide attempt, autism and ADHD, but my father (who already couldn't accept the fact that my brother has ADHD) fought with them saying they ,,don't know me well enough" and,,there's nothing wrong with me". And he's right, there's nothing wrong with me. Not even If I am neurodivergent. I was at my lowest, I felt disgusting, I fought with my parents and was their therapist every single day, I stopped going to school, I was a mess. But, I was heavily active on social media because I had tons of online friends. While scrolling on tiktok, I found a video of an Aphrodite devotee. My interest was piqued. I heard about Greek Mythology before but never actually researched it. I liked the video and commented, talking about how gorgeous their faith sounds, and that's when it all started. I started getting more info about Aphrodite, the swans swum by me every time I would go to the lake with my family so we could ,,get some fresh air". I started getting lots of pins on Pinterest with her. I always had a desire for water and the beach was my safe place, where I felt fulfilled and free from all I'm feeling. I had a Dove make itself a nest on a tree next to the window of my classroom which I would always sit by while having lunch (on the rare occasions I would drop by to school). I started researching more about Lady Aphrodite, loving her story, beliefs, ways of worshipping, how it felt like silence was washing over me when I would make a non-physical offering to her. Her tales. The way it felt like she was always there to give me a warm hug and squeeze me while I was crying. I also felt a boost in my confidence! I started loving my features, taking care of myself again, etc. It wasn't always just sun and rainbows, I would still have breakdowns and wish it would all just end and all that, but it was more bearable with her. She made my life more bearable. I love, worship, and adore Lady Aphrodite for that. I worshipped her till this year when I officially felt strong enough to devote myself to her.

This year, actually, I started noticing my strong connection to Hermes. I was always attracted to the kind-hearted, mischievous, kind-hearted, highly intelligent and funny thieves. I always idolized them and wished to be like them. That's how I feel about Lord Hermes. I feel like he was reaching out to me all my life. Everything he is associated with I had an inexplicable obsession with for pretty much all my life. Turtles, golden or silver, travel, learning new languages, astronomy, astrology, everything you could think of. I have been devoted to him since last month, that's when I officially started labeling myself as a Hellenic Pagan, but I am still a beginner, and I need to hide all of this from my mother since I am afraid of what she would do if she were to find out I have another belief since she reacted super badly back when I was an atheist :( I set up the first altar for Lady Aphrodite, and the second one for Lord Hermes. I always had been an artistic soul and loved making my room all pretty randomly so I told my mother this is one of those cases and she believed it. She does not know english and is not at all cultured about any beliefs besides Christians, Muslims, and Jews. They are both hidden in my closet. I feel very bad for not being able to make them a bigger and more obvious altar, I hope I'll have that chance when I move out from my parent's house..

I wanted to ask if Lord Hermes would be mad if my mom kept setting random things on his altar? she even put a picture of the Holy Mary. I moved it to the other side of the closet and made a DIY necklace for him out of orange garnet or beads to apologize to him, and he didn't seem mad, but I'm not sure...I sketched drawings of both of them and rested them on their altars. Everything you see are either offerings I heard they may like or things that reminded me of them! the little notebook on Hermes's altar is specifically made for learning new languages and thought he would enjoy it. Do you guys think any of my offerings are disrespectful? or should be removed? I'm open to any advice! Thank you for listening to my story <3

[transautisticmikewheeler]

I would love to hear about your stranger things pjo au!!! Love both stories, all the better to mix them

well, buckle the FUCK up! /lh

❗ Before we begin, i'd like to give some warnings for abuse (csa, physical, emotional), self-harm/suicide, scars, neglect/abandonment, religion (mention of camps), minor character death, mention of kidnapping, eating disorders❗

this has taken TWO DAYS and it's long and not even finished but i'm tired of looking at it so

🎸 First character: michael wheeler. 🎸

love the kid to death. proud kinnie and apologist.

but

he's a fucking menace in this au. a mini percy, if you will.

15, genderfluid, he/they/she, boy kisser.

from hawkins indiana, bullied very badly as a kid for being neurodivergent, abusive father that does not know what a boundary is especially when he's drunk.

(that's projection right there - at its finest)

hypersexual for obvious reasons.

convinces a not-aware-of-the-abuse nancy to run away at 12 and 15. leave without any parting words to anyone.

make it to camp half blood where they are quickly claimed and mike is the first to meet percy, who has become a social worker/therapist alongside an oc of mine, chase williams.

he's given the following diagnoses: adhd, dyslexia, autism, cptsd, bpd with severe dissociation, mdd, and gad with panic attacks .

has been on 2 quests in his 3 years at camp. both, he does not talk about.

will becomes his fp basically on sight (i know- i was there. mike told me himself)

so fucking stupid its a wonder they put him against the ares cabin bc his smart mouth is brutal.

visible self-harm scars and will get so pissed if you ask about any of his scars. will tell you to mind your business.

⭐ AND THAT BRINGS US TO WILL ⭐

15, trans guy, he/him, queer.

aphrodite bitch that loves looking like he lives in a conservative 80s small town horror movie but like,,, the amount of tan and neutral works somehow? with some golden yellow and rusty oranges that make his green eyes shimmer and pop.

big artist and has hecate's blessing and OH MY GOD will with powers???? illusions???? fuckin CHARMSPEAK????? he's in his magician era lmao /lh /j

from cali. bisexual icon joyce brought her boys to camp early so they're prepared. i say she's the sally of stranger things

has the included adhd and dyslexia but with added cptsd, schizophrenia, and autism. that should be interesting.

has been on 6 quests since age 10, some successful, some not.

i want will to have eyeliner. i want to see him with it so bad. and painted nails. usually pink, yellow, or black.

🎵 NOW. EDDIE FUCKING MUNSON 🎵

21, nonbinary man, he/she, queer as hell

willeddie siblings. trans aphrodite kids against the world.

has apollo's blessing. very much a partner in crime to percy, they bond over music taste.

adhd, dyscaulia, bipolar 1, and cptsd

such a chill fucking dude but will ramble for years and years and years if you don't stop him.

very powerful charmspeak and very good at seeing the ties between people. has a celestial bronze dagger essentially named "freak"

sucker for apollo cabin counselor steve harrington

☀️ mr. steven harrington~ ☀️

19, trans man, he/him, bisexual

apollo kid, lover of pop, singer-songwriter.

very laidback, from TN surprisingly. has religious trauma, unsurprisingly, from being in a baptist christian family and being sent to summer camps until he was abandoned at age 16 by his mom and step dad.

adhd, dyslexia, hpd, cptsd, and unspecified dissociative disorder. hypersexual from a few instances of csa as a young child by someone at one of the summer camps he was sent to.

definitely has a knack for swinging blunt objects, of which he has a celestial bronze bat he carries everywhere along with a backup dagger.

thinks kids are fun to work with and teaches archery alongside chiron, which is unexpected but welcomed.

an okay healer. average. knows first aid, cpr, the basics

💜 the badass, nancy wheeler 💜

18, cis female, she/her, lesbian

athena kid through and fucking through. so smart but, like mike, oblivous and super dumb.

spends a lot of time out of the house as a kid until she and mike run away.

works for the camp newspaper, freelance journalist as she attempts college classes.

not the one you want against you in capture the flag.

chooses the gun bc she briefly has "i'm not like other girls" syndrome but finds it actually fits her.

her and annabeth talk all the time. to the point percy complains to mike about it.

robin buckley- love at first sight

📼 ROBIN, MY MAIN GIRL 📼

18, nonbinary woman, she/they/neos, woman kisser

also a big music person but POETRY. she absolutely loves poetry and symbolism and all that shit.

romance and sci-fi nerd.

dresses like a gay drama professor or gives off young richie tozier vibes, no in-between.

can name each bone in your body as she breaks it. loves her independent gf nancy.

adhd, dyslexia, autism, ptsd, and severe auditory processing issues.

indie music seems like her style but scene queen owns her soul and she'd sell it for ashnikko

thought about being a film major

steve's platonic better half as they should be

comes from an emotionally abusive household

📷 jonny boy 📷

19, trans man, he/him, aceflux demigayromantic

dates a clear-sighted mortal (affectionate)

aphrodite's son that may not be "conventionally attractive", but he has a knack for matchmaking and fashion, which he then neglects because he opts for a camp shirt and jeans with tennis shoes.

mild adhd, dyslexia, AUTISM, cptsd, avpd, gad, generalized depression

so many sensory issues and needs, but tries to be independent, which can lead to bouts of anger, frustration, and, sometimes, crying.

was severely bullied in school and he was physically and emotionally abused by his step dad, who his mom was not married to for very long

works with nancy and takes photographs for the paper sometimes.

🌻 el my beloved 🌻

15, nonbinary, they/them, pan ace, poly

as a kid of demeter, el has always been a plant lover. discovered their powers early

bedroom pop lover and blessed by aphrodite.

would rather rely on their powers than a weapon but does have a small dagger on them at all times.

elmike duo my sweets,,,

adhd, dyslexia, autism, cptsd, system (no amnesia, 2 other alters; jane and 11, who is different from el)

by early i mean she was growing plants at a rapid rate by the time she was 5. the wrong person saw it and she was kidnapped and abused severely until she was ten, when she was rescued by local police chief jim hopper, who later adopted her bc her mortal parent had been in an accident not too long after she was taken and did not make it.

🌸 baby girl chrissy 🌸

19, demigirl, she/they, aroace

daughter of demeter, very sweet

very much a basic pastel stereotype but we love her anyway, she's amazing.

has the following: adhd, dyslexia, bullimia, cptsd, gad with panic attacks

her dad's very much a pushover and her stepmom's heavily emotionally and verbally abusive and makes comments about her weight all the time

she only spends a few weeks of the year at home and it's usually only for her dad.

[munchiezxx]

Hey I just came back to tumblr after a few weeks break and I saw your post about severe anxiety, and I was completely the same a few years ago!! It’s something I talked about with my therapist a lot and I eventually got diagnosed with both autism and adhd. I’m not saying you have it, obviously, I don’t know you, but if you haven’t considered it before it may be a good place to start? I can function a lot better and my head is a lot clearer these days. Good luck girl!! ❤️

HEY sorry if I freaked you out by taking too long to answer this but i kept forgetting tbh. anyways, thanks so much for sending this, i appreciate you reaching out and i am very glad you were able to get answers for yourself and that you’re doing better. i also do really appreciate it because it gives me an opportunity to talk about *IT*

in that my family and close friends have all been telling me that i am autistic for the last half year in such frequency, many of them unaware of the fact that others that have also told me, that it has become a running joke. this is from my close friends story many weeks ago

and the REAL kicker for me is: my previous therapist, after many sessions, AGREED, and asked how i would feel about self-diagnosis, because i told her i will not get diagnosed anytime soon. (i said i do jot know.) and my parents, who brought it up completely unprompted. so the list includes: my parents, therapist, siblings, 2 people i have lived with, 4 of my close friends, my best friend, and my siblings’ best friends.

but yea, i just dont really know if i want to get diagnosed... i feel like it would help me a lot to grow and accept myself, but at the same time i feel almost feel like it’s too late for me to seek a diagnosis. so i kind of sit in limbo. but um, let’s be real i get this on a FREQUENT basis and if i can’t trust myself to self-diagnose (i don’t) i have a LOT of people to back it up….

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Hi Pom💙 This is kind of a weird thing to ask and if you don’t wanna answer I completely understand.

What was your experience with getting diagnosed with autism? Was it hard, did you get diagnosed late, or misdiagnosed? The reason I’m asking is because I’ve been suspecting I have another neurodivergency besides dyslexia (most likely autism and/or ADHD). According to my mom, when I was getting diagnosed, the lady or whoever was diagnosing me said that I didn’t have autism (and my best guess is that they said I didn’t have anything else) but I have a really hard time believing that. I show a lot of traits that do with both experiences (hyper fixation, picky eating, eye contact issues, stimming, the list could probably go on) and it’s hard to believe I don’t have at least one. I know that autism and ADHD is harder to detect in women and I also heard about something called “masking” (which I’m pretty sure I do) so maybe that’s why? Or maybe I’m just a alltistic trying too hard to figure out what’s wrong with myself, idk. I want to talk to a therapist about it but 1) it’s kind of hard to talk to my mom about that stuff and 2) I’m pretty sure she’s ableist and would specifically tell me and my siblings not to do things in fear of people thinking there was “something wrong with us.” I try to talk to my friends about it but ofc, there neurotypical-selves water it down to “everyone does that” or “I do that” or something to ignore my feelings (not shocking bc they don’t like to hear about the things I’m interested either way and I usually don’t tell them because I feel like I’m always annoying them). Anyways, thank you for reading my half question/half rant thing💞. - 💌

Hey friend! I actually get this question more often than people probably think, lol. Unfortunately, my answer is a bit disappointing for many because I went through this process when I was a toddler. I wasn't late diagnosed, I've known since I was a child that I had a moderate developmental delay that was — not much later — labeled Autism. That being said, I have general advice and things to consider.

I think it's great to explore yourself and self-reflect to learn more about who you are and what identities you might possess. However, there is also a tendency as of late to conflate basically all neurodivergency together (not by you, but I'm afraid about the misinformation I see running rampant about what qualifies as an "Neurodivergent" trait). This becomes a problem because there are a few defining traits and features of each disorder, and it's virtually impossible for the person experiencing them to be able to distinguish most of them.

Also unfortunate is that most (good) psychiatrists will require testimony from your young childhood in order to establish a diagnosis. A lot of the distinguishing characteristics are most prevalent in the years you won't remember, which is why late diagnosis is so difficult. This means that, if your mother is unwilling to testify truthfully, a formal diagnosis is going to be a steep uphill battle for you. An expert and a family member are typically needed for a diagnosis, which leads me to my second and most important point.

Consider why you want a formal diagnosis. I've noticed a horribly unsettling trend where people are dramatically underestimating how much that piece of paper can affect your life. Your reliability, your parenting ability, your driving ability, your ability to get a job, your success in academia, your ability to immigrate to other countries, can all be affected by a formal diagnosis.

Autism, unlike more mainstream disorders like ADHD and Dyslexia (both with rich communities and unique struggles), is heavily stigmatized. You have a much higher risk of discrimination than the others. I don’t say this to be all oppression Olympics, but because it’s very important to consider whether you want to open yourself up to that specific brand of abuse.

It sounds to me like you feel that your environment would not welcome a diagnosis even if you had one. I am here to assure you that if you feel that way, it’s unfortunately probably true. That piece of paper does absolutely nothing to make people suddenly start caring or wanting to help you. In my experience, it’s usually just handing them another weapon to use against you.

The sad, upsetting reality is that people who don't believe won't ever believe you, no matter who else agrees with you. And I'm really sorry they are like that. You deserve better. You deserve people who care about your comfort. But I worry that people who seek out a late diagnosis for their own peace of mind are opening themselves up to more harm than they are anticipating.

For these reasons, I tend to only suggest people get a diagnosis if they need formal accommodations. For me, I needed a diagnosis because I was being put in SpEd, I was non-speaking for a decent amount of time, and I needed speech therapy when I did start speaking. As soon as I stopped needing accommodations, my family stopped telling people. Most people in my life have figured it out themselves or just write off my behavior as "quirky" or "odd."

As for masking, I think that's something that is essentially impossible for you to know if you're doing it (well). The idea that any disorder is "unique" for a specific gender has also been mostly debunked, because it's really just whether or not the symptomology is aligned with societal expectations, rather than actually presenting differently. Further, there are men who will present with the "female" Autism (now usually referred to as "atypical" autism). It is, after all, a wide spectrum.

At the end of the day, I believe self-diagnosis is acceptable, and probably the best option for many people. It takes years of self-reflection, investigation into your own childhood, and a lot of trial and error. That being said, I also don't think its necessary to live a full, comfortable life. If you find things people suggest for XYZ disorder help you, then by all means, DO IT. It doesn't matter if you have a pathology or not. Be friends with autistic people if it makes you happier. Enjoy and engage with the community if you want to! Accommodations and advocacy help everyone.

If you want to talk about it more, feel free to message me. Otherwise, I probably won't answer much else here because it's remarkably hard to discuss this stuff generally. Also, I don't know you so I can't really help without a lot more information. Neurotype really is unique to every individual person, and there actually is something to the idea that anyone can have traits from any neurodivergent condition without having a pathology. Most autistic traits are seen in neurotypicals to some degree, but that doesn't make them Autistic.

But again, regardless of pathology or neurotype, you deserve to be comfortable, and you deserve to have the conditions necessary to thrive. That's the most important thing to know. You don't need a psychiatrist for that to be true. I hope you find your answers and some peace ❤️

[neighbourskid]

Dave? Dave.

It's been quite a bit since I've written anything here, huh? Well, I guess as it has been for pretty much everyone, life has been kinda strange for a while now. Despite vaccine roll-outs and continually changing safety regulations, there's still a global pandemic on, and everyone is trying to navigate this reality the best they can. For once, we are all, generally speaking, in the same boat now (sure, there are huge differences between countries because capitalism fucking sucks and rich greedy humans are once again proof that things need to change asap, but overall, we all have to deal with this pandemic).

But I don't actually want to talk about the pandemic, it just exists as a frame of what I do wanna talk about.

As I have mentioned before, when the pandemic hit, I was in the last semester of my undergrad studies and writing my Bachelor thesis. Or that's what I was supposed to do, anyway. I did do a lot of reading for it, early in the first lockdown after university closed and we were all attending from home. I was lucky, I had no classes, I only had like three scheduled meetings to check in on progress of the thesis, but otherwise I was free of zoom calls and attempting to attend university digitally. So I read.

After a while, reading became taking a book with me into the sun, glancing at one or two pages, and then just napping for most of the day, and spending my evenings either playing video games or watching some tv show or movie. At some point, I felt like now was the perfect time to rewatch all fifteen seasons of CRIMINAL MINDS, so I did that, instead of writing my thesis. I still occasionally read, but most of the days I just felt exhausted and unmotivated so I stayed in bed and binged my crime show.

As the deadline for the thesis started approaching, and the time I had left fell under a month, a switch in my brain seemed to be activated and, oh, hello, suddenly there was a certain drive there for that thesis again. Which lasted exactly until an email from university dinged into my inbox a few days later, informing me that I would get another month for my thesis, due to the pandemic. And away that motivation and drive went, immediately.

Not much later I had a session with the therapist I was seeing at the time, because of the hormone treatment I had started early that same year. I had talked to him about my concern that I might have ADHD before because I didn't feel like there was anything we needed to talk about related to my transition, so I brought it up again here. I told him how my thesis was going -- or rather, how it wasn't going at all -- and finally, as I told him about some of the issues I experienced while trying to do work for it, he acknowledged that I may indeed have some attention regulation issues. He prescribed me medication to try out, and -- wonder oh wonder -- suddenly I was writing my thesis. I ended up finishing it on time (even though a week before I had a moment of "all of this is garbage, I will never pass, I should start the whole thing from scratch") and got a decent grade for it, too. I've been on those meds since.

Over the last, I don't know how many years, I've always known that there was something a bit wonky about my brain. There were always these things that seemed to come so easy to other people, and try as I might, I just couldn't make them happen. I, presumably, had a lot of neurotypical friends. I also have friends with depression, BPD, anxiety disorders and other neurodivergencies. I have family members with autism. I know my mom suspected I might be on that spectrum as well.

Reading up on many of those things I never felt like any of them described what I was experiencing. There were certain traits, sure, but mostly there was a lack of what I actually did experience in most of them. Even ADHD, when reading about the "required" issues and traits, doing those self-diagnosing questionnaires, I just never saw what I felt represented. And then I started reading about what people with diagnosed ADHD had to say about how they experience things. I ignored the more medical or clinical information, and just looked for people talking about how they navigate their lives with ADHD. And then all of a sudden it was, oh, yeah this, this is relatable. This is where my brain's at.

Suddenly it made sense that caffeine didn't do nothing for me, that a nice, warm cup of coffee put me right to sleep. It made sense how, after only a month, suddenly a well beloved hobby or tv show was suddenly of no interest whatsoever. Staring at the wall for three hours instead of doing a simple task. Drawing in class so that I could pay attention to what is being said. The inability to remember much of my life before 6th grade. Having to bounce my leg so I could read a simple text. Needing to visually break a book down into chapters with colourful post-its to keep me from being overwhelmed by the length of the book. And so many other things. Suddenly, there was a reason for that.

I've always liked doing personality quizzes. Or doing stuff related to my zodiac sign even if I don't believe in astrology per se. Finding out what my Enneagram number is. Or my Myers-Briggs type. Not because I think those things define me or describe me to a T, but because they give me a vocabulary. They give me options. I love answering a bunch of questions and then getting a wall of text telling me This Is Who You Are and then I get to pick out what is accurate and what isn't. It gives me words to describe who I am that I didn't have before.

And it is the same thing with posts or videos of people with ADHD. It gives me a vocabulary for the things I experience and it lets me express those things in a way I wasn't able to before. Before, I was like, doing things that my brain doesn't want to do, feels like running headfirst into a wall because there is no way above, around, or underneath it. There is no door, no ladder, no tunnel, no nothing. There is only running headfirst into it until maybe, hopefully, it cracks. Preferably before my head does. But that is exhausting and most of the time, I prefer to not get through the wall at all, if what it takes is going headfirst through it. Now, I know that what that is, is a dopamine deficiency. The task that needs doing, the task that this wall is, doesn't give my brain enough dopamine. There is no satisfaction, there is nothing to gain from that task, so the brain isn't interested.

One of the things that I recently discovered and helps me a lot in this quest of figuring out how my brain works, is this guy Connor on tiktok, who also has ADHD. His videos are both hilarious and informative. And also incredibly relatable. They might be silly haha funny videos on the dear old internet, but I walk away from most of them going, oh! oh that makes sense, good to know.

He occasionally talks about how ADHD is completely misnamed and how Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder does not actually accurately describe what exactly people with ADHD lack. In one of his videos, he calls it DAVE instead. It's silly, and sounds a bit dumb, but I kinda like it. Dave. Dopamine Attention Variability Executive-Disfunction. Dave. I like Dave.

Y'know, I don't mind having ADHD. Presumably, I've lived with it my whole life so far. And it's annoying as shit some of the time. Especially when things need to get done and they just won't. But I don't mind that, especially now that I know that this is what it is. I've always feared that if I finally do go to a therapist and try to figure out what my brain is up to, they'll just tell me that I'm fine and there's nothing to worry about. And at first, my therapist did say I was psychologically unremarkable. But I guess if you've lived like this your whole life and nobody has really picked up on it, even a therapist doesn't notice (it's called masking, I've learned, thanks Connor).

But knowing is good. Knowing means I can learn things that help. I can take medication when needed. And, looking at the grades I'm currently getting in my graduate studies? Hells yeah, taking that medication and knowing how to deal with certain aspects of my brain helps a lot. It is incredibly funny to me that the best grades I have gotten in my entire academic career have been achieved in my Master's studies during a global pandemic. There is currently an actual real possibility that I may graduate summa cum laude. In my MA. That is insane!

Anyway, I am avoiding tasks by writing this right now. Oh, the irony. I'm gonna try and do those tasks now. Y'all take care. Cheers!

[headspace-hotel]

Spicy autism opinion: we should reclaim the idea that “everyone’s a little autistic” for our own purposes because there’s value in the reality that autism is just part of a larger spectrum of human diversity and that autistic experiences are human experiences

and like, I vibe pretty heavy with the “otherworldly/alien/inherently Other” side of autistic experience, and for me being autistic is very fundamentally lonely, but from a practical point of view, I feel like it’s a better understanding than whatever the current one is that leads to people asking things like “is it appropriation if I stim?” stimming is important as a part of autistic experience and emotions and self regulation but i think it leads to better understanding in the long run if it’s well known that stimming is something basically everyone does in one way or another

Also, extra spicy opinion but ive really never seen neurotypicality and neurodivergence as two distinct and non overlapping categories. It is important to understand that neurodivergence leads to people being marginalized and/or disadvantaged and being “neurotypical” is a privilege to some degree. But. being “neurotypical” isn’t like...a single uniform Type Of Brain, nor is it necessarily a “type” of brain at all, but rather a catch all category for people who aren’t “different” enough that society is hostile and inhospitable toward them and therefore labels them with a diagnosis.

And that’s where it gets weird. Because having a diagnosis doesn’t CAUSE you to be autistic, but neither does anything else in particular outside of diagnostic criteria. Psychiatric diagnoses are (rightfully) notorious for being culturally relative. There might be some distinct objective characteristics of a condition, but a diagnosis itself is as much created by the characteristics of the society it is in as characteristics of the person. So...ADHD as a lived experience is a Real thing, but ADHD as a concept is culturally constructed.

Like there’s a lot of focus on such diagnoses being results of measurable differences in brain chemistry, and I don’t know much about it, but brains are really complex and diverse and there are probably differences in brain chemistry that account for being a workout junkie or liking beets. People are diverse. Some of it is “wrong” enough to get diagnosed.

If autism or ADHD reflect biological, chemical realities, our diagnostic criteria is inevitably flawed because we don’t detect autism and ADHD using biology and chemistry, but rather outward effects and characteristics. Likewise, there are likely an unknown number of people with those internal characteristics that don’t match the criteria we have, and maybe as many people who match the criteria but don’t match whatever chemical or biological difference that causes the group of people we call “people with adhd/autism” to be Like That.

If there isn’t a single distinct “cause” of these conditions, we’ve basically drawn an imaginary line when creating these diagnoses—again, not because they don’t reflect lived realities of people, but because somewhere a distinction was made between Normal people and people that need to be diagnosed.

I think this is awkward to consider for many neurodiversity advocates, but the autistic spectrum does, in fact, shade imperceptibly into “neurotypicality” without a stutter. The psychiatric literature calls this the “broader autism phenotype”—people who are, I guess, Kind Of Weird Nerds but don’t really fit the diagnostic criteria fully.

Literally my entire family has “pieces” of the Autistic Experience. A handful of related diagnoses were distributed among us, and both my mom and dad have to some extent a similar experience with social relationships that I do. In some particular ways many of my family members could be read as More Autistic than I am. Both of my brothers have some kind of dyspraxia (?) and both stim in some way or other. I’m the only member of the family with an autism diagnosis, because I happened to get the right combination of traits, I suppose.

That’s why the simple concept that “either you’re autistic or you’re allistic” feels incomplete to me, not only because many “comorbid” conditions exist that autistics Vibe with, but also that autistic traits happen in people that aren’t diagnosable because they’re just...parts of human diversity.

I don’t know what to do with this overall but I think “autism is a real thing and a real lived experience for people, who are in some way marginalized or underprivileged because of it” and “autism is essentially a socially curated category that is just a part of a bigger spectrum of all human neurodiversity” are realities that can coexist

[tarysande]

Hey, I see you reblogging adhd stuff every now and when. I hope you're ok with me asking, how long have you known you have adhd? I am currently wondering if I have it and am sups unsure what to do about it.

I’m always okay with people asking about things I post!

Of course, because of the ADHD, I’m not always great at answering ;)

I’m especially willing to talk about ADHD because I know my journey to getting a diagnosis doesn’t follow the stereotypical path, and I’d be thrilled if my experience ends up helping other people out there.

My family doctor was the first person to ever mention ADHD to me. I was 36 at the time. Maybe 37. I’m 40 (wtf) now, turning 41 in a month (haha, wtf). I’ve had depression most of my life. At the time, I was deeply frustrated because my depression was well-managed, but I still couldn’t focus to save my life. When my doctor asked if I might have ADHD, I laughed and said, “With my grades*? Yeah, no.” *I was a straight-A student from elementary school through to the end of my BFA. HOWEVER, at uni I had a handful of ‘lower’ grades: a B-, a B, a B+ in classes I found A G O N I Z I N G L Y boring. I was also never a disruption in class—mostly because I entertained myself by writing novels and reading under my desk and listening to music by keeping my earphones under my long hair. The key was to answer a question in class right away, thereby diverting the teacher’s attention and leaving me to my own devices for the rest of the time.

The focus issues continued unabated. Months later, a good friend of mine who was also diagnosed with ADHD as an adult brought it up again, and this time I did a lot more research. And ... yeah, puzzle pieces started clicking together. A lot of them. 

I brought it up with my doctor, and she sent me to the one (1) psychiatrist in Vancouver who was a) covered by provincial healthcare and b) would deal with a potential ADHD diagnosis in a patient of my (advanced) age *stares into the camera like it’s the office*. He was a Real Jerk, but I did his bevy of tests and he reluctantly agreed that I matched all the criteria except that I had never done poorly in school or been a nuisance in class**. **these criteria are ridiculously outdated, often don’t apply to girls (or those who have inattentive-type or mixed-type ADHD), and should BY NO MEANS exclude anyone from an ADHD diagnosis. If, like me, you’re what they call “twice exceptional” (where being intellectually gifted can often mask the struggles associated with ADHD, autism, physical/learning disabilities), it’s EVEN EASIER to slip through the cracks. 

The psychiatrist upped my anti-depressants, which helped, but still did nothing for my focus. By the way? ADHD, especially in adults, is FREQUENTLY comorbid with other conditions like depression or anxiety. It’s almost like ... when your brain doesn’t do what you know it should do, WANT it to do, TRY TO MAKE IT DO, and you feel like a failure who’s not living up to her potential ... it makes you REALLY DEPRESSED!! Who knew?? After almost a year, I finally brought up the focus with my family doctor again, who was like, “Okay, let’s try some things, then.” Finding the right dose of ADHD meds is ... trial and error. And it’s exhausting. And sometimes you think you’ve figured it out, but you haven’t. I still haven’t landed on the BEST POSSIBLE solution for me, but I will tell you this: the difference in unmedicated-ADHD-Tara and medicated-ADHD-Tara is like night and day, even when my meds aren’t optimal. 

To give a very specific example, I’m a freelance writer and editor. My income from my first (medicated) year of running my own business full(ish) time was almost three times that of the unmedicated year before. This year, even with COVID throwing a lot of wrenches in a lot of gears, I’ve remained booked three to four months in advance, my focus is better, my self-worth is better (i.e., I charge what I know I’m worth), I’ve stood up for myself, I’ve *gasp* started planning(???). I’m not rolling around in piles of money, but I’m above the Canadian median.

I also speak to my therapist every two weeks (she’s wonderful—and she’s online, which is both cheaper and more accessible for me). I’m slowly understanding the value of meditation (if you have the Calm app I HIGHLY recommend Jeff Warren’s How to Meditate 30-day program. I’m on day 13. There’s no BS or vagueness; I love him.) I made an effort to change my diet and spend more time moving around outdoors. (Exercise is even more important for ADHD brains, it turns out.)

Now, none of this has been a magical cure-all. I’m in the middle of struggling with med dosage at the moment, which is freshly irritating. Even medicated, there are good days and bad days—which is totally normal. I just finished an editing project that nearly destroyed me because it was SO boring and I couldn’t get out of it (because I’d ADHD-procrastinated too long). Learning how to function in the neurotypical world with an atypical ADHD brain is WORK. There’s also a lot of emotion—grief, anger, frustration, joy—as you process the new information and mourn the time you spent lost, underachieving, “failing.”

One really great, really accessible resource is the YouTube channel How to ADHD. For people who want to dig into the science, I recommend Russell Barkley (HE IS SO SMART) and Ned Hallowell. There’s also a ton of information on ADDitude. Anyway, this is a lot of information, I know. There are some good self-tests on the ADDitude site. If you think you have it AND IT’S IMPACTING YOUR LIFE***, bring it up with your doctor. Know that you might run into some resistance because most ADHD meds can be (and are widely) abused, and people with actual ADHD get caught in that crossfire. Even though it’s hard because of ADHD’s effect on emotions (TOO MANY!! TOO STRONG!!), be prepared to face some scrutiny.  *** they’re always going to ask about how it’s negatively affecting your life.

[uwuowotf2waslife]

The mercs with an s/o who is on the autism spectrum? If you want to

 as a person with diagnosed autism( ASD that later changed to SCD but concidering my countrys lack of proper diagnosis and non-existant support when i was growing up, im not sure,it might was a result of chronic abuse or i was a really weird kid) its my duty to answer this ask,

always know that you are perfect with all your imperfections 

just because maybe your brain is wired different it doest make you less of a person

you are poetry

Scout

-my boy has adhd ( probably undiagnosed until he was examined by Medic) so you two might have a little problem at the begining.

-he might be the closest to a jack russel in human form, but he cares about you and is willing to sit down and do his research so he can understand you and your struggles. He isn’t a hypocrite, he is a hyperenergetic bundle of daddy issues and is sure he will annoy you from time to time, he annoys pretty much everyone except his mom on rare occasion, he is a hanfull and he knows that years now. But he also has come to understand that everyone has struggles and little things that make them more special than others.

-if you have problems with communication , he’ll be your mouth .Problems with sensory overstimulation? he will escort you to the safest place and hug you tighter than he thought hes capable of. People mistreating or bullying/insult you? the bat is in his hands and his ready to hit home runs on their balls. You might not be the perfect couple, you will struggle like every couple and have fights and arguments, but he is ready to phase every difficulty that comes on your way. He loves you and he is here for the ride even if its bumpy.

Soldier

-( I and i think a big part of the community claim he is actually autistic) Probably the most tricky of the mercs, since at one side he might completely relate/understand you and the relationship go smoother than soft butter on bread, or he might have problems communicating the relationship problems with you.

-as all relationships you two must sit down and communicate your problems. Believe me he isn’t mentally retarded ( a horrible misconsumption ive seen being thrown around), yes he is stubborn and can’t read social cues to save his life, but he is a loyal beefcake with a golden heart hardened by a lifitime of war. He knows he isn’t the perfect man, he has nightmares and panic attacks on the regualr after so much trauma in his life. But he also knows that if he S/O needs him, it doesnt matter if its a small or big thing, he is ready to go through hell and back to make them happier or more comfortable 

-you can’t stand loud noises? copy that privet, he will stop yelling/ screaming around you. Certain things make you uncomfortable/ anxious? hes at your side and he is ready to snap necks...you have his heart and his adoration, he ain’t a coward or a pansy, you’ll win over any challenge that comes your way like the absolute unit you are and he is there to assist

Pyro

-fresh from the start they can recognise you have autism, i lowkey think they might be ( actually in young adults asd and mild schizophrenia can be mixed and confused by not good qualified doctors, its been years since i read that study so correct me if im wrong) or have really good gut insticts. Either way, they know you are struggling and trie in subtle ways to help you

-did an important call without stuttering? hug and smooch on the crown of your head, completed all your work/homework? they will cover you in stickers and cuddle you in their pillowfort, stood up for yourself? my girl theyll make a huge cupcake tray and youll two will eat while watching sappy disney films

- you won’t struggle as much, i see them as more easy going than other members of the team. But they also have big issues that may create problems in the relationship that you both need  to work on. They are more than a handfull and they aren’t unaware of it, they spended years locked inside their own head doing god-knows how vile and harming things to their mentality and body, they can’t believe they are alive and they wake up every day next to the most beautifull human being they have come across their lif, ( Y/n). You will bond slow but strong , you are their sunshine and theyll make sure their sunshine shines no matter what they have to do

Engie

( lowkey i think is canon he has some form of high-functioning autism, just hide its behind the southern warm and soft hospitality)

- when you confess, he hugs you ( a big thing coming from him since i dont consider him a touchy fella)  and returns the confession that he is too. He knows each person experiences different so he won’t press you for explanations or description of what you have is excactly. He just assures whatever happens, he is there to help you with

- doesn’t really change how he views you, but he takes the initiative for things like talking to strangers, calling to order or things that you struggle with, but he doesnt baby you. You are an adult person and will be treated as that, even if sometimes he feels he needs to “help” or “protect” you

-one of the most  easy going of the mercs, but his work is his priority so there will be long arguments about it. He understands your frustation, but he is a workaholic years now before you came in his life and can’t bring himself to change that. His work is his routine, the only comfort he knows and the only place that accepted him for who he is. But, he will be more elastic and have more breaks/ days off even if it means the project will be finished an hour or two later, unless it has an urgent deadline. He knows he can be very cold and emotionless, he is an engineer, not a spy for that reason. Furthermore he has his own times when he is stubborns or has an anger explosion because something broke/didnt meet his expectations or got way too invested into something that turned to be worthless/ uselless so he isn’t the one to judge if you are in a sour mood or you have your own “ explosion”. After all said and done, late at night when you are both alonein his workshop he will just cradle you in his arms and make a silence promise to always be there for you through thin and thick ( as we say to go through 40 waves and 40 more ) because you are something that no machine or creation can emulate or recreate, you are ( Y/N) and you are the love of his life.

Demo

-arguably one of the three more knowledgable of the mercs in the topic of mental health department. Being raised in an orphanage i doubt he didnt had at least a dozen other kids who had from high to moderate to severe autism ( during the 20th century it wasnt uncommon for people with autism to be thought less human or that the family of said people couldn’t provide for them in severe cases so theyd be dropped on orphanages and psychiatric hospitals)., so he has some first hand experiene with what autism is. It isn’t something for him in all honesty, after so much trauma and hardship in his life he is at peace that peopleare different and their brains are rarely wired the same

-he also know he isn’t ideal, he acts really stupid when he is drunk and his alcohol consumption alone is a very big problem for any relationship he ever had in his life and i doubt he is the image of psychological perfection, but he also knows that if you are willing to keep him around you have seen him wasted out of his mind, he is more than willing to put up with anyof your quirks or difficulties.

-you want to stim? go ahead he’ll leave the room/the house so you can stim to your hearts content, you want to stay? sure thing lass, hell sit in a corner and drink a bit while you have your thing. Work/ school/ home life is stress full and you are in the verge of a breakdown? he has already wrapped you like a burrito and he is holding you while you cry/vent, you dont want to be touched at that moment? hell take you to an open field and you can blow things up to get all those feelings out of you. He isn’t ideal, he is at peace with that, but now that you appeared in his life, you became the apple of his eye. He’ll cherish you and protect you both as body but as a mind and a soul for whatever shit life throws at you, he was never one to back down a challenge.

Heavy

-due to the language barrier and his nature as a quiet man it’ll take him some time. If you bring it up he’ll simply nod and run to Medic or Spy for translation. He isn’t shy to do a doctors worth of research so he knows what he has to deal with, he knows his english is broken and would prefer to have a migraine over the amount of books hes read than make you feel uncomfortable. Probably will ask advice from Medic ( the most qualified on the team) untill hes satisfied he knows enough.

-probably the sanest of the mercs, but he isn’t perfection. He had to endure famine and death from very early in his life, always be the stone his family anchored on and most people on his life, so he has his own big problems. At one side he is used to so many things, he is somewhat indiferent. You aren’t harming anyone nor its life threatening, so it doesnt really change what he feels about you. All people have flaws, noones perfect and if they do think they are perfect, they are very, very wrong. I won’t lie to you, some times hell get confuse with your behavior or will get tired of being the “ anchor” of the relationship, but he will never admit it. He survived the Gulags and years in Siberia, this is nothing but a walk in the park for him. He isn’t a fuckboy, he doesn’t want you just for some fuck and then hell forget you exist, he is much more sentimental than he appears to be. He beginned this with you because he sees you more than a body, he sees you as someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with even if itll be a challenge, he was never a quiter and he wont be now.

- don’t expect much communication help from him, unless its in russian. But whenever you feel the tiniest bit of self-doubt or anxiety his arms are open to embrace and warm you with  his love. He might was raised among anarchy and war, but he is a gentle giant with a heart bigger than Russia herself. He knows you two will struggle especially on the communication domain but he is willing  to do what it takes to make your life easier/ less challenging. He came here to stay, only if you allow him 

Medic

-Arguably the most medically qualified of the mercs, but considering the era of his studies hes at least rusty on modern terminology and general understanding of what autism is. Nontheless his a doctor ( with or without a medical license) and i doubt he ever followed the rules of ethical and unethical medicine. He is a healer primeraly and he can’t claim to be the most mentaly stable of the team.

-he might be many things, he knows hes at least crazy by normal standards and has made extremely questionable choices in his life,but he cares for the people he is close to, lovers and collagues alike. He won’t try to ‘change’or ‘medicate’ you; unless you specifically ask him for, like yes he has defied any sort of ethical medicine and has played god many times in his life, but he knows that if he changes you, you won’t be ‘you’. You will be you still, but nothing more than a lobotomized version of yourself and he fears that. Let’s be real, he probably choosed you because you are a smart individual ( that includes both street and book smarts alike) so if he “killed” your smart he would essentially kill you and this doesnt sit well with him.

-feeling down? no worries, the doctor is here ( afterhe finis hes re-connecting snipers new kidneys). Stressed? Archimedes will be your own personal cheerleader and the rest of the flock won’t let you all stressed and alone while Medic is working. In the simplest of works,he wants you to know that  he might be a madman on the field and the medbay, but he is also your lover and that means he cares about you. He doesnt care if act a lil strange or you have some special things about you, guess what? he doesnt cares. H e never cared and he will never cared, all the greatest minds had something  special about them and you are no exception. He chosed to have a relationship with  you and you accepted the love request of a surgery-happy maniac , im sure he is beyond equiped to handle you in all aspects. He might not be the most touchy but he will make his point across that you are someone who means wayy to much for him to change

Sniper

- ( i highly think he is autistic, just the way hes potrayed in most fanfics he acts lowkey autistic, mostly in the communication and sociable part) growing up in the middle of nowhere probably he has never even heard ‘autism’ as a word , so his very lost. (another headcanon of mine is that he is also iliterate) You need to explain to him what autism is and how it affects your life. He has a non-pleasant expression on his face, because he realises most things that you say what that “autism”is and the thing it has are things he actually  has and felt throughout his life. He looks like hes having a religious expierience and when you are done he only nods and hugs you almost mechanically.

-he will need some time, not because ofyou, but because of him. You might think he is breaking up with, butin reality he just needs some time alone to sit down and think about all the things you said. Its one of the biggest revalations he has experienced on his life and it has hit him like a wall of bricks.

- after a few days he will return to the base and will ask you to meet with him on the most secluded of his snipers nest. While you prepare for the upcoming breakup, he actually showers and wears somet hing nice for the first time in a while. He goes out of his way to make the sniper nest a bit more “ comfortable” even bribe spy into giving him one of his fancy wines. Once you go up the nest and you two meet, he is the most clingy he has ever been and almost drinks the whole bottle out of pure anxiety. Once his tipsy enough he actually confesses that from the things you said, he found out hes also autistic. Que him basically clinging you like a broken koala baby while half-sobbing to expell all the tension he  has inside him. Please pet his hair and rub his back,he will melt and quit his rugged manly man persona for that moment. He needs you there, he needs your soft touch to ground him while his whole life comes crushing down and a weight he never imagined is being lifted from his shoulders.After that, its quaranteed you two won’t be seperated ever again, he needs you to ease all this pain he has gathered from his troubled life and he will provide you the world and the stars.

Spy

- he knows what autism is( as a spy he should know about human psychology/mental disorders just to know how to impersonate any person with or without issues) and he is a very observant man. He has above average attention span and knows how to read body language so he has figured you are autistic a long time ago. He is just waiting for you to open up about it or confess it, but he also knows the social stigma around autism so he keeps his mouth shut because he really doesn’t want you  to feel uncomfortable or ‘naked’ in front of him

- i heavily headcanon him to be at least depressed/having an ugly anxiety disorder or even a dissosiative disorder considering a big part of his life is carefully crafted theater , so he can’t say he is any more better than you.Furthermore he never really cared about what society thinks about mental ilnesses, whos here to judge who sane and not? he has seen so much shady things behind closed doors of “ pure” people he has lost all respect for what society thinks its normal and what is weird or not acceptable. Yes he follows the rules of “good” society but thats more of a habit than a need. Plus have you seen what the good ol’ society behind close doors? yap youll need a good bible study and some church to wash away the sins.

-eventually when you confess to him,he doesn’t really act. He knows its a heavyemotinal moment for you but he can’t open up for his own problems, at least now. But he will embrace you for now and say all the sweet words you need to hear...untill the same time he gets drunker than he can and confesses to you in french all his psychological troubles while he cries on your chest. He won’t let go unless he wants to vomit and he will cling to you for dear life while he experiences one of the ugliest meltdowns he has experienced in the last decade. Probably will wake up with a monster of a hangover, but once he feels you wrapped around him and feel your heartbeat on the bones of his back something will meltin him. He will gather whatever strenght he has, turn around, give you one of the most genuine smiles he has ever given in his entire life and peck your lips bore he starts whining and requiesting you to either kill him or fetch medic. Perhaps one day hell say all the things he wants to say in you mother tongoue but for now, just know he will cherish you and love you like the most exquisite poetry that has graced his life

[werevulvi]

Hi, could you tell me more about your autism and diagnosis and how you deal with it, how old you were diagnosed

I don't know a lot about my autism, tbh, as I never bothered to read up on it and I was never properly informed on it. But what I do know is that I learned slowly as a kid, learned to walk at age 3, was very clumsy (like medically abnormally clumsy physically, could barely run at all and couldn't climb, etc) required special treatment to learn how to eat as a toddler because I hated the sensory experience of solid food and chewing, I was incapable of understanding sarcasm, interpreted everything literally, I was stimming a lot, had monotone body language and speech, etc. I was very obviously "different" according to my parents already from around age 1 or 2, and required literally constant attention for the first 4 years of my life. Started daycare at age 4, in small groups.

Then as I started school at age 6, apparently the school nurse had told my parents that I'm probably autistic, so I consider that my "inofficial diagnosis" but they decided to ignore that and didn't tell me (until 10 years later.) I was bullied in school for being "the weird kid" by both classmates and teachers who thought I was a retard and annoying, basically, I guess. I was called a freak and weirdo a lot. But like I was proudly a weirdo, and resented normativity.

As I got up into ages 10-12 my depression and DID symptoms (alter) kinda took over and became more prominent than my autism symptoms, as I wasn't as physically clumsy anymore and started learning social cues. My mental health continued to decline over the next few years, until I sought out therapy on my own at age 16. It led me to doing my first few suicide attempts, which led me to ending up at a closed psychiatric ward.

While staying there for a few weeks, I got evaluated for autism (without knowing that's what I was tested for) as well as a few physical things, such as my hearing impairment and chronic headache. And those tests led to an official Asperger Syndrome diagnosis, when I was 16, by the very end of year 2005. I also got diagnosed with borderline psychosis and mild depression, and got pumped full of anti-depressants and anti-psychotic (neuroleptic) drugs. Then my mom finally told me that she basically always knew about my autism, and I was really pissed at her for not having told me before. I resented my autism diagnosis right from the start, and the older I got, the more I resented it. Never identified with it, only ever saw it as a huge burden.

Then throughout the rest of my teens, I went to a school for neurodivergent people (basically upper high school) but still flunked it. I was a complete and utter mess, and got little to no actual therapy. They just kept shoving me around from one psychiatric department to another, due to my comorbid issues, no one could help me, it seemed. Every once in a while I'd make another half assed suicide attempt to make them take me seriously, which only worked for a few months at a time. In total, I've made 19 suicide attemps over 12 years. Oh lord, psychiatry was so bad!

Adulthood came along and I got benefitted with sickness compensation, and got my first apartment at age 20. It didn't go great. I accidentally flooded it and had to move out, and didn't manage to keep it clean or anything while I lived there. I was barely functional and alcoholic, constantly self-harming, just to try to manage attending school. Despite getting help from caretakers offered by the state (?) weekly, I was really dysfunctional. I switched apartments several times, and kept flunking school while trying to live my miserable life, always hanging by a thread. Until I moved back to my parents at age 23. They had moved to a miserable island far away from all my friends. Got an apartment on that island close to my parents, but my issues continued being the same level of awful, up until about age 27.

What this has to do with my autism is that... uh, I basically understand it as that it impedes on my executive function really dramatically, and like although I can physically do pretty much anything, mentally I just somehow can't. Especially repeatedly, and often enough. Like I can't keep any routine for the life of me, not even simple shit like sleep cycle, eating habits, brushing my teeth, etc. Let alone school or a job, or even hobbies. Everything is infrequent and too seldom, if at all. So everything in my life keeps falling apart as I basically have no foundation to stand on, and I get sensory overload suuuuper easily. So like just going shopping/cleaning/laundry/hobbies/school/anything for half an hour can drain me significantly and make me incapable of managing doing anything else for the rest of that entire day. It's very hard for me to explain, but it's like I only ever have 3 spoons per day, but most things requitre 10+ spoons, so I go backwards on my energy resources a lot and end up having to rest for DAYS after just one hour's activity.

At age 27 I ditched the social service caretakers, as they were seriously depriving me of my privacy while being largely unhelpful, and I began to finally try to pull myself together. I still get a lot of help from my mom, with anything from paying my bills and grocery shopping, to driving me places and dealing with soul-sucking authorities for me. This takes off a lot of the burden and allows me to manage doing at least a few things on my own, like working out, cleaning (yay I manage keeping my apartment clean nowadays!), laundry, occasional shopping, art projects, online socialising, etc. I still go to therapy biweekly but it's still largely unhelpful. At least I managed to make them stop tossing me around between departments like a football though, and I'm still gonna try to get some proper trauma therapy, and maybe also look into that adhd group I was promised last year, if it'll ever resume again post-corona...

I've still never had a job in my life and still have incomplete grades. But I got permanent sickness compensation now, so that's neat. At least I don't have to worry financially. I'm also trying to get started with some "work training" stuff which is basically "pretend work" for people who can't work, just to have something to do. I'll most likely be granted acces to that. However, it seems irony is that most of those are located out in the middle of nowhere where no buses go, and I can't afford a fucking car or driver's licence because I can't work. Mom probably won't drive me several times a week for that. Fucking fantastic. Makes me almost wanna kill someone... argh! Those little things really piss me off.

Life is absolutely not going the way I want and I blame my autism for it, mostly. I am drowning in frustration, and my anger issues making me scream my lungs out in pure despair, shows that. I'm considered offically disabled due to my autism, and it just fucking sucks ass. How lonely, under-stimulated yet easily over-stimulated, bored, meaningless and unfulfilled my life is. There are far more severely autistic people out there who somehow manage to live far more functional lives, and I'm jealous of that. I dunno how to break free from this misery. It feels like the only thing I've ever managed to accomplish in life is transitioning genders, and making art that I don't wanna sell. I wanna have a "normal" job, a car and driver's licence, I wanna have cats and a social life, I want parties at night clubs again, I want hobbies outside of my home; hookups, friends and lovers; I want to be able to have a functional romantic life with someone I can marry and start a family with.

But is any of that ever gonna happen? I hope so, but it feels bleak. Because my autism feels like such a huge burden on my life, and a huge hindrence to my dreams and goals... like I'm over 30 already and still a disabled and having my mom living half my life for me, miserable mess and not given any useful therapy, I'm left to my own vices to figure out how to adult... Because of all that, I hate my autism and I wish there was a cure, I swear to fuck. So for your question, how I deal with it: not fantastically. Not sure if you wanted a relay of my entire life, but I hope that’s okay! Didn’t know how else to answer your questions.

[the-fire-bubble]

Imma tell Y'all something:

I self diagnose myself because I can't trust doctors for SHIT.

I ask for help with my asthma. I complain about running exams all through primary and secondary school. They only put in allergic reaction in my file. I don't get an asthma diagnosis until I'm 22 and having an asthma attack without an inhaler in the middle of a pandemic.

I ask for help with my thoughts because I get overwhelmed at school. I get diagnosed with ADHD at 8 years old. Not told about what happens if not treated properly....

I ask my doctor why I feel gross all the time: I find out I've had mononucleosis the past 3 months and my depression came into full swing at the same time. So I just thought depression came with a cough until I got put on Prozac at 17. Even though I had been on and off anxious/suicidal since 2nd grade. And complaining about it since 4th.

I ask my doctor if there's anything at all I need to worry about with getting the birth control implant installed. There's "minor bruising". She grabs me so hard I flashback to back when I was living with my abusive family. I don't remember what she was saying to her attending physician during the procedure. I only remember reciting song lyrics to the radio and massive dissociation until 30 minutes after it was done. I have a bruise the size of.... Let's say a smaller avocado after this. For like a week. Even after knowing in my file that I'm anemic.

I tell people I self diagnosed to be autistic and they say, you need a professional for that! Oh yeah. ADHD presents like autism in some girls. NO! YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.

I have BOTH. AND HAVE HAD MORE.

None of the doctors listened.

And now, I might have the family fibro. As in fibromayalgia.

Do I LIKE being fucking handicapped or disabled? NO. I LIKE, KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK IS THE REASONING FOR MY BODY ACTING LIKE THIS. WHAT I DONT LIKE, IS BEING DISMISSED, IGNORED, OR PUSHED AROUND AND PASSED OFF LIKE SOME DIRTY DOLLAR BILL IN A STRIP CLUB ON TACO TUESDAY.

I'm not a fucking hypochondriac. I know because that requires LIKING being fucked up. I don't. All I am ever doing. Is crying. For a fucking break. The joint pains. The hard time I have whenever I breathe in smoke or pot or if I run. The fighting of demons that don't exist outside my head. The constant uphill battle to remind myself that I am useful, worthy, and loved. The battle to take care of myself instead of neglect myself because OTHER PEOPLE CAN DO THIS, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO ALSO.

BUT. I. FUCKING. CAN'T.

I genuinely... just.... can't. My 100% looks like a world average 45%. I didn't ask to be disabled. So when I fucking tell you that I'm self diagnosed: Realize it's because I'm the only one who has to live with myself at the end of the day. Not you. Not a doctor. Me.

[applesauccce]

What’s up gamers, back at it again with complaints and over sharing about my life. I swear I’m not turning into a life blogger, I just want somewhere to spew my thoughts that isn’t google docs. (Quick tw: gaslighting, emotional abuse, homophobia, eating disorders)

Anyways, so as a quick summary, I got on decent meds, have seen a real difference, but am still having a multitude of problems. Brain fog, inability to concentrate or focus on tasks (even if it’s something I want to do, like cleaning my room or painting), extreme memory loss, both short term and long term, an excess of nervous energy that prevents me from sleeping or concentrating, over sensitivity to various stimuli, food texture sensitivities, etc etc etc. I’m working with a very nice psychiatrist (he’s been very supportive) and hopefully will remember to find a therapist to work with as well.

Basically, we’ve been running through the potential causes for my issues and will slowly eliminate them. The current list of most likely causes of me not being able to function is as follows. Adhd (runs in the family on both sides, I have a lot in common with adhd individuals), Autism (likely, based on my behaviors), PTSD (welcome to Trauma Town), Anxiety (no shit Sherlock), and Depression (my current meds need more time to take full effect). Currently we are waiting to see if giving my current meds more time to take effect will help at all, but it’s very likely that it won’t solve everything.

Now here’s my problem. My mom (bless her heart in every way, she is an angel on earth) is extremely supportive in every way. She listens to me, validates my worries, asks genuine questions about my experiences, and is generally open minded to most everything. She genuinely wants the best for me and has learned over the years that her idea of what’s best may not necessarily be the solution, so she has chosen to be open minded and supportive.

My father on the other hand (my parents are divorced btw, you’ll see why in a moment) is the exact opposite. Take every boomer parent that thinks they know best. has the most set in stone and stubborn mindset, and throw in a heavy dash of narcissism (scratch that, pour in the whole container) and you have my trash bag of a father. To name just a few things that he does/says.............(brace yourself, it’s a long list)

Barely tolerates me being queer (pansexual, told him. Non binary, cannot tell him unless I want to be disowned, abused, and murdered)

Believes that women shouldn’t work after they are married and they need to have kids

Claims that trans, nb, and gender fluid people are “corrupted” and have been sent by Satan to destroy the nuclear family

Thinks “the gays” are some angry liberal movement, “just like those awful BLM people”. My favorite things he’s said is “they just want govenerment funding and special laws passed to give them the power to sue religious people”, “if you want respect, why don’t you go out and organize your gay friends and do a service project to show you’re good people”, “if someone’s uncomfortable with a gay person, they have the right to refuse service!” “But what if was the other way around? What if a gay person was uncomfortable with a religious person and refused them service?” “Thats discrimination!”, “I tolerate gay people! I’ve had gay friends!” “......you do realize that means next to nothing right?” “hOw RuDe!”, and finally “yeah, you’d marry a woman just to spite me.”

I was prescribed birth control by my dr for extremely painful periods. I then happened to go visit my bf at the time and since I didn’t want to stay in my moms house (had issues with her husband, he’s a nice guy tho, we chill now), his mom offered to let me stay in their spare room, as long as I kept the door locked at night. He found out and immediately called me a whore and said I was ruining my life, had used his insurance to get the birth control to have sex, and was a disrespectful disgrace to the family. He then proceeded to tell his entire family.

When I was talking about the possible diagnosis for my issues, I mentioned autism and he laughed and said “you don’t have autism, you’re normal. Plus, you don’t look like it, and you’re smart. Trust me, I know mental handicaps, I grew up with a handicapped sister.” (His sister does not have autism and is an extreme case, she needs round the clock care). Like thanks for invalidating my thoughts and research, saying I don’t look “disabled enough”, and saying I’m too smart to have problems.

When I was discussing my eating issues, I mentioned that it was likely I was/am anorexic, based on my behaviors and thought process surrounding food. He laughed and said “oh don’t be dramatic. You’re not anorexic. Look at you! Still plump and healthy, you have meat on your bones!” I told him it wasn’t about physical appearance, it was about the mental process about food. He rolled his eyes and said to stop self diagnosing myself. Like thanks for again invalidating me.

Is in general, a gaslighting, narcissistic, self righteous bitch who thinks he is the most amazing and religious person in the world. He constantly complains about not being able to find a new wife (I wonder why /s)

Not to mention his absolute cultish fanaticism over religion. Like don’t even get me started. He’s the reason that people think Mormons are cultists.

Anyways, so my dad sucks ass, but thinks he’s a god among men. The only reason I moved in with him was because at the time my mental health was really bad and I was having a very hard time dealing with my moms husband. Things are a lot better now and I’m lowkey considering moving back in with my mom bc holy fuck I am so sick of dealing with my father.

Also I’m trying to find a therapist to help me figure things out and help find a diagnosis. If it is autism, I’m going to shove it in his face and laugh at him. And if/when I get diagnosed with an eating disorder, I am also going to shove it in his face and tell him he’s a bitch. Can’t wait till he realizes that all his children hate him and are never going to “choose to live with their daddy” bc they’d rather not be gaslighted and emotionally abused.

[mental-health-advice]

Submission from 🌺

I don’t know about having DID or OSDD. I feel if anything OSDD would be more likely tho due to me still being conscious usually idk. My therapist has noted down “Dissociative Symptoms” for me thus far alongside depression and anxiety. I however dont think I even have bad enough trauma for it? I dont remember most of my childhood. Only things I KNOW caused trauma before I was 7 was my mom yelling a lot, at the time also hitting/spanking me as well as possibly the fact she (1/? 🦚🌺)

washed out my mouth with soap at that age. Like when I said swear words and stuff. I doubt that’s bad enough tho. Things that I can’t remember/ remember fully happening but have been told or know happened was my grandmother apparently spanking me until I cried myself to sleep as an infant, my bullying starting at 6-7yo which carried on into my late teens… and 2 of my best friends being the ones to start it. Also loosing contact with another best friend in kindergarten affected me (2/?🦚🌺)

For s long time after. He wasn’t good at German so he got moved to another kindergarten that would teach him. Tho I don’t think I can consider a friend being ripped from me like that trauma? Idk. There is more traumatic stuff I actually semi recall but that was all when I was over 7 which I think is the latest for a kids brain to develop DID/OSDD. So idk if anything was bad enough and honestly don’t want to self diagnose even tho I’ve been suspicious (3/?🦚🌺)

(reason why I say parts instead of Alters) EitherWayThingsGotWorseAndMyMotherLiterallyThrethenedMeWithMurderAndSaidAllMyFriendsShouldCommitSuicide. Everytime I freeze in my fight/flight/freeze/fawn response and then sometimes fawn happens if I am locked somewhere where they cant reach me. Here only freeze tho. She stood right ahice me who was cowering in a corner and kept saying I literally can’t get up and walk off and then screamed st her to not touch me (4?/? I cant count hhhh 🌺🦚)

She claimed I would just try to sue her if she dared touch me and then mocked me because I cant call people about how she needs to call the police on herself FOR me. I literally haven’t wanted to kill myself that badly as this day in a bit and I honestly am shaking just thinking about it. Like I said ice pretty much almost fully diagnosed depression and anxiety, professionally assumed dissociative symptoms and on top of that not professionally assumed autism tho mom and I assume (5/?🌺🦚)

It for different reasons. She because of how I shut down when a situation is too much and how I cant handle being tasked with multiple things at once/breaking the order of what I’m doing and I due to how I struggle to read human emotions and realizing how to function like a normal person. I can accidentally completely hurt someone and be completely oblivious to it, doing it again and again until told off. And then I accidentally hurt them in another way because I’m scared I’ll do (6/?🌺🦚)

It again. Example: I’m bety clingy due to trauma in my mid teens regarding some friends. I didn’t realize I was being too much until my friend distanced herself causing me to break down in fear of loosing her. She admitted I had been too clingy. I ended up distancing myself - scared of overwhelming her again if I talk to her. It took me 2 whole months to even tell her I love her again. Now she admitted I’ve been a bit too distant which I already was aware of but still (7?/?🌺🦚)

I literally didn’t even dare ask her how she is doing for TWO MONTHS thinking she would leave me if I started clinging again. I hyper fixated on her a lot last year which I realized when she said it was too much. I’m slowly trying to at least check up on her again. I beg her to communicate to me if I fuck up ANYTHING because I literally am blind to it but I feel she thinks she hurts me if she does. What more am I supposed to do than tell her “hey I cant understand normal human (8/?🌺🦚)

interaction so please tell me if I’m being weird!”? Like I said before, I don’t want to self diagnose. It’s just that this plus generally my hyper fixations with people and games/shows is a little suspicious in the long run if that makes sense. My brother also has adhd so it’s not as if its impossible for some other stuff to be in our family, y'know? I’ll see where therapy takes me for now tho. I started rambling again, didn’t I? Sorry about that! (8?/?🦚🌺)

But yeah in short I’ve trauma but most is from after the “requirement” age for DID/OSDD plus I’ve many other mental issues either confirmed or suspected. Who knows maybe my mother is right and I belong locked up in a mental institution from the movies instead of how they actually are. According to her I’m just a disgusting liar who deserves to be suffocated anyways. — Also I’ve honestly kept asking myself if I’m just making up the parts. I used to have imaginary friends as a kid (9/?🦚🌺)

Who my mother forbid me to talk to as I was being “weird”. Maybe it’s just that again? Or maybe I’m not making it up and some of those imaginary friends were parts? Idk. What I know is that one of them literally was more like a mother to me than my own mother. I recently had a dream about them - before the parts returned really - where I called that one imaginary friend “mom” and said I missed her. I cried. I didn’t want to wake up.I struggle to stay on track with this I’m sorry (10/?🦚🌺)

Either way, I apolagize for rambling, being a mess and being all over the place. I honestly just made myself cry again at this rate and yeah… I kinda banned 2 of my browsers from sending aska for an hour rip (final)🦚🌺

Hey there again!

Please don’t feel bad at all for talking so much and every now and again rambling. I am glad that you feel comfortable and safe in speaking with us as it’s so important that you do have someone you can talk to regardless of what you may need/ want to say.

In regards to the trauma that you have endured both as a child and whilst growing up, it’s important that you know that we all handle trauma differently from others and sometimes, even a little bit of trauma that feels like nothing can have lifelong impact on you and who you grow up to be. I also do not think that you belong in a mental health hospital long term either, whether you believe it or not you are doing the very best you can right now and right now that’s enough. Just remember that talking can be so helpful no matter if it’s your therapist you talk to, a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling, a close friend or even us! Never feel like you aren’t good enough to be able to talk to another, you’re so important in life and you deserve the very best!

In regards to possible diagnosis’ that you may have, it can be quite hard at times to be properly diagnosed by a professional as some diagnosis’ may have the same or similar symptoms as another and not only this but sometimes a diagnosis can also coexist with another making symptoms that you may be having worse and consequently blurring what diagnosis you may have. Does that make sense?

I’m so sorry that your Mum treats you as she does, you do not deserve this at all. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this as yet?

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please know that you are not alone and that I’m thinking of you!

Take care,

Lauren

[strengthrequireskindness]

OC shitpost

So, I notice a lot of u on here are into PJO/HOO/anything Rick Riordan writes.

@storm-broken-wings

@blackjacktheboss

@cindersart

@ananbeth

And that’s who I can think of off the top of my head. If you don’t read him you should, but I’m warning you that the second series (HOO) is slightly iffy.

While the man and his writing has some flaws, I’ll admit he made a damn good storyboard to work with. I have made several Riordanverse OCs, and would like to share them with you all.

First up, my anxious fire boy, Cal Kowalski! Note: I tried to do my research on Judaism and autism, but if I have offended anyone with this character, please let me know and I will change it!

Name: Caleb David “Cal” Kowalski

Hair: brown

Eyes: brown

Age-17

Height: six foot one, someone stop this boy from growing

Mother: Deborah Kowalski, fire chief for the Cleveland fire department. A force to be reckoned with and extremely inventive-once used a nearby lake to fuel the fire hose when there were no hydrants nearby

Godly Parent-Vulcan. A lot of people forget he’s also the god of fire, so when he saw Deborah risking her life to fight it, he was smitten. Completely fell for her when he admitted that he watched her work as a fire chief. Her response? “You’re a god, right? Stop watching people and buildings burn and start fucking helping.”

Sexuality: bi. Let’s be real, he’s admired Ichor and Jason more than once. Is completely devoted to his also bisexual girlfriend. More on her later.

Camp: Jupiter, Fifth Cohort. Has considered moving to Half-Blood, but dropped it after Octavian...oh right, there are people who haven’t read the books. Let’s leave it at that.

Nationality: Polish.

Religion: proudly (though not supremely devoutly) Jewish. Will make all the jokes about his religion. Was very confused when his mother told him his father was a god

Weapon: Roman infantry axe, or dolabra. Has heard all the woodcutter or lumberjack jokes. Has come up with a few of them

Personality: actual golden retriever, loyal, kind, hardworking, patient, and generous. Won’t fight unless it’s in self-defense, for training, or against monsters. Even then, does so reluctantly. Shy, clumsy, awkward introvert. Not great with public speaking, social interaction, or crowds, though he tries. Ride-or-die friend once you get to know him. Happiest when working at the forges or with his close friends. Autistic. Stims by lacing his fingers together or through card tricks, often says inappropriate things at the wrong time, tends to compartmentalize negative emotions, can talk about forging, metalworking, and firefighters for hours on end, needs systems and routines to function, thinks in very black and white terms. Goes nonverbal when angry, sad, or frustrated.

Powers/Abilities-

Geothermokinesis-can manipulate molten earth, phase change earth into lava and vice versa, cause magma to rise from deep within the earth, forming miniature volcanoes, turn nearby rock molten, and telekinetically project blasts of lava, magma, or molten earth at targets

Weaknesses-socially awkward, gullible, black and white thinking, tends to think badly of himself, survivors guilt, lava he creates can spread and cause more damage if left unattended, can be harmed by his own powers, powers are linked to emotional state so he has to keep his temper or things start to melt

History

-Fire chief mom with large extended family

-mom met Vulcan one night while firefighting, it was rocky at first but after some talking things through and some kissing they made it work

-cal was born that August

-when Cal was three, tragedy struck

-his mother was diagnosed with mesothelioma

-they suspected it was from a fire in a chemical factory shed fought

-the firefighters she was chief of helped raise Cal while his mother underwent treatment,as did his extended family

-He grew up shy and quiet, the opposite of his mother but very much like his father, had difficulty reading, and could never pay attention that well if he didn’t like something

-It took a few years, several theories (some well meaning, some extremely inappropriate, some both) and an official diagnosis at the age of seven before the people taking care of him realized he was autistic, dyslexic, and had ADHD, and that they had to respect that instead of treating him like a normal kid

-some of his extended family thought that meant he wasn’t normal

-he doesn’t talk to them anymore

-the firemen and ninety percent of his family were totally fine with it, even when other things started to happen

-they found him in the courtyard at age ten, a miniature volcano spouting lava into the air and him frantically trying to turn it off

-the Mist shielded them from seeing the entire thing, but they still sat him down and had a Talk about playing with fire

-but Cal knew what happened

-At age twelve, his mother took a sudden turn for the worse. When he went to see her with Hector and Brandon, two firefighters, he was turned away by a doctor that did not look at all like a doctor to him

-The Doctor insults him, only to be challenged by Hector, who can see through the Mist

-He tells Cal to run and see his mom before punching the doctor square in the face

-Cal makes it to his moms room, only to find her struggling and squirming as a monster in a lab coat shoves a pillow onto her face

-Terrified but furious, he scares off the monster with a blast of lava from the ground, which also sets the room on fire

-Making it out of the room, he turns to his mom, only for her to tell him that he’s the son of a god

-He predictably freaks the fuck out, running with her to where he last saw the firefighters

-Only to find that Darnell is dead and Hector is losing the fight against something that looks way too much like the estrie he’s read about once in the Sefer Hasidim

-Seeing Cal, Hector grins with bloody teeth before driving a fire extinguisher into the things head

-it collapses, but before it can get up again the building groans as the fire spreads

-They flee the hospital, forced to leave Darnell behind as the alukah pursues them

-When they get back to the house, everyone is in an uproar. Why is Deborah back, why is Hector’s mouth bleeding, where the hell is Darnell

-While everyone is arguing and taking care of Deborah, Hector and Cal’s aunt Aviva take him into Cal’s room

-He and Aviva confirm what Cal’s mom said, also telling him about the existence of Camp Jupiter. It turns out he is a former legionnaire, having come to Cleveland two years before Cal was born to look after him at Deborah’s request. Aviva can just see through the mist, though Deborah confided in her in case she died before she could do so herself.

-They don’t have much time. After what Cal did at the hospital, his aura is going to attract every monster from here to Columbus.

-He gives him a weird-looking axe, explaining that this dolabra was once his when he was a legionary but now he wants Cal to have it

-They all share a hug, with Hector telling him that everyone in the house has his back

-There’s a knock on the door, revealing the monster from earlier, now disguised as a human social worker via the Mist

-Uses a bunch of ableist language to explain why they should give Cal to him

-No one in the house buys his bullshit, even when he appears human

-The firefighters don’t like the government in general because they offered no workers comp for the cancer their chief got from the factory, and they’ve watched her fight against something that the government was supposed to help her with, the government draining her money all the while. But now this jackass is insulting their kid.

-The extended family are unwilling to give him up, and especially not to a man who insults and belittles him

-monster gets fed up, says that if cal stays here he’ll keep coming for him until he gets what he wants

-cue the entire family telling him to get bent

-Aviva tells Hector to take Cal and go, that she’ll explain to them why and that they all love him

-Roadtrip to California with monsters on their tail

-the estrie catches up to them in Oakland, flanked by its monster buddy, which Cal now knows is a telekhine

-it’s pissed at cal because he’s a demigod and because his father took over their forges

-they fight, and Cal uses the dolabra and kills the telekhine, burnt from his earlier encounter with it

-he’s extremely grossed out by this

-Hector intercepts the estrie before it can get to Cal and fights the estrie, but he’s out of practice and is fatally injured

-Cal watches him die and is furious, pleading to know why the estrie did it

-the estrie just wants to kill a Jewish human, it doesn’t particularly care that he’s a demigod. Hector was in the way.

-Using his powers intentionally for the first time, Cal opens up a volcanic fissure under the estrie and sends her down into the magma

-He then takes Hector to the camp tunnel before passing out

-He’s found there by Gwen, who stands for him

-Some time after, she pulls him aside and tells him that she read in the local paper (all praetors and centurions read the outside paper to get the news for the camp, fight me) that there was a suspected terrorist attack in Ohio around the time Cal came in

-He breaks down and tells her it’s his house, there are no confirmed survivors except for three firemen and his mother

-Alex comes along a month later, and they dance around each other for a while before making it official

Trivia

-he writes letters to his mother whenever he can

-Darnell taught him how to play cards and do card tricks, both for fun and as a stim if needed, he burns a card every year on the day he died

-he definitely had a thing for Jason before he started dating Alex. It never went anywhere though.

-he makes the menorah for the camp-wide Hanukkah celebration (cmon you’re telling me everyone at CJ is Christian or atheist or agnostic? Cmon man)

-he imagines his dolabra is a fire axe when he’s fighting monsters

-his aunt taught him to cook Polish cuisine, among other things, and his kotlet schabowy is to die for, but he’s recently branched out into Chinese food due to his girlfriend’s complaints about how the restaurant chains near them only serve shitty Chinese food

-can jump rope like a boss due to many hours with his younger cousins

-terrified of heights

-that’s all I’ve got so far! If you guys have any other questions about him, send me an ask!

[spectru-vision]

"You don't look Autistic."

July 12, 2022

Thanks, I was a case of late diagnosis. I'm 26 now, and I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD in December of 2020 at 24 after a particularly messy nervous breakdown. Typically, people who have autism and make it through childhood undiagnosed tend to receive their diagnosis for that reason; their needs have been ignored so long that they finally collapse. As for the reason for the late diagnosis, I was a product of my time and environment, I think. I was born before it was clear what autism really looked like in biologically female children and born to a conservative puritanical family in the Southeastern US. With the normal social conditioning on young girls in the West amplified by traditional southern values that were reinforced by religious trauma, the "mask" was on and was a permanent fixture of my personality from a very young age. I could tell I was different, though, even when I was very small, and even though I tried very hard to be what everyone wanted from the time I was very small.

Playing and talking to other kids felt weird and I hated it, so I adapted by becoming the teacher's pet. The frilly dresses and itchy socks on Sundays hurt my skin, but I learned I could go deep inside my head and escape what my body was feeling, so now I have a dissociative disorder as an adult. Win some, lose some. Do I wish I had been diagnosed earlier? I'm not sure. While the sheer trauma of consistently being in distressing situations because you have a disability that isn't being accommodated has absolutely obliterated my self esteem and emotional/mental health, I think the "trial by fire" approach has led to what somewhat resembles me surviving in society. Its absolutely killing me both physically and mentally, and I can certainly tell that I was not made to be doing most of the things I am trying to do on a daily basis, but I know how to do them because I was force fed them. Growing up in the environment I did, I'm also not sure a diagnosis would have given me the support I needed to succeed. Shortly after I left, the elementary school I went to was involved in a scandal over a disabled student whose mother suspected abuse so she hid a recorder in his backpack. Needless to say, the child was certainly being abused. As far as my family, they knew I had ADHD because it runs in our family, and I believe I took Ritalin for less than a week before I stopped because the dosage wasn’t high enough and no one ever tried to take me back to the doctor to get it adjusted.

I hate where I am now at the end of my diagnostic journey and tend to look back on my childhood with a lot of disappointment and missed opportunity, but I'm not sure the alternate reality where I had been diagnosed as a child would have been any better.

I think mourning "the you that could have been" is an important process; I found myself unable to let go and move on while I was still in denial.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

⭐🥀TRIGGER WARNING!!

Introducing Last Night At 3AM. I Lost Control. Yet Another Breakdown, I Had about 30 breakdowns. No pity sympathy or attention. && NO I WAS NOT ON DRUGS! I'm over 1 year sober. Alvaro took over (one of my demons/alters) && Dancing Fire (another one) possessed me to the point I almost got a cop call. I don't wanna be a burden &: I wanna save fix care support be there for everyone and everything. I'm sick of being alive. But I can't do anything stupid cuz of me getting concerved to a state institution (which is way different than a mental hospital) cuz I've been in 215 mental hospitals & got diagnosed Critically/Clinically Insane plus over 10+ mental hospitals. All I have is my mom. The breakdowns the vivid flashbacks the mental illnesses getting 10x worse. No treatment will take me cuz I've been to all of them to many times. I can't process anything. My mind imprisons me. I dissociate 89 to 99% of the day. I've been thru every single sorts of treatments/medication I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018. I'm losing my mind. And everyday it's the same thing and people get tired of hearing it.I'm so done with dealing with this everyday. I don't need sympathy. I just don't know man. My mom&& lil brother doesn't want me home, I can't explain what's wrong or going on. I don't wanna be a burden. I'm sorry man. I wanted to self harm again but I didn't. Imagine all my mental illnesses multiplied by 10. Imagine EVERYDAY HAVING VIVID FLASHBACKS AND 22+ Mental Breakdowns a day. I.am sorry if I'm negative. I'm sorry. I just wanna save and fix the world. When people ask me "how are u" idk how much reply. I'm sick of my mind. I feel like darkness is controlling me. I pray A LOT. Alvaro literally possesses me and gets in my body. I have mostly every mental health diagnosis there is. And NO I'M NOT PROUD OF IT I'M NOT BRAGGING OR GLORIFYING It. I just wanna help everyone and everything. Along the my mental health, I have autism, narcolepsy anorexia Etc. My diagnosis list is so long and I don't wanna be known for that. I can't even leave my house. When ever I feel a lil bit better, here comes Alvaro. But again I don't wanna be a burden. It's my job to be there for everyone else NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I can't take this anymore. No pity sympathy or attention. I can't seek help cuz then they'll send me to a institution cuz I've been in to many mental hospitals. I'm doing the best I can. But I'm about to snap. I can't function. And I'm getting worse. I don't want attention I want to be OK. I've dealt with all this hell most of my life. It's hard to explain. On top of that. My physical state is getting worse. I'm finding more reasons to die than to live. I'm over 1 year sober. I'm a huge hypocrite when it comes out taking my own advice. I don't love myself. But i am over caring sensitive and I help obsessively. I repeat myself idk I'm just not OK. I'm losing contact with reality. I'm scared to keep going. But I got this.🥀⭐

🥀⭐Your Enough

Your Worth It.

Your Life Has Purpose

This To Shall Pass

Im here for all y'all in anyway I possibly can.

I'm sorry if I'm annoying. I'm sorry

Stay Strong && Keep Breathing ⭐🥀

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic with over 1 year sober. This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Being homeless 13 times. In 215 mental hospitals. In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth. I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018, over 10+ mental illnesses. Some were caused from a few bad trips on PCP that I never came back from. I was sleeping anywhere I could rest my head, I had to be alert at all times. Tbh I havent been to a meeting in awhile. My sponsor is like family to me. I'm redoing all my steps. I'm on step 2. I've lost a shit ton of people to drugs and I was literally getting cop calls everyday. Drugs messed with my life. And having this much clean time is amazing. Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls. Any clean time is good time. And I'm proud of all of you in recovery drug addiction is a special kinda hell. Drugs become your priority and your best friend. I got tortured on the daily by people coming in one by one torturing me from orders from Kimberly (my ex fiance who hung herself in front of me) it was one by one. I got so caught on in drugs that it was the only way I knew. I used to numb the pain. I'm so blessed I found God again. Now I have 22+ mental breakdowns a day every day. I found out it had a lot to do with my drug use.🔥🔥🥀🥀

🥀🖤Thank you for breathing even when u wanted to die. Drugs kill you. There's nothing about it to be proud of its serious. You Matter Yo Important Yo A Someone Yo Enough Yo Worth It Yo Have A Purpose, Yo Have A Story, A Message, A Voice, A Reason, Yo A Warrior, A Soldier, A Survivor, A Fighter. You Are U && NoOne Can Be You, But YOU. Your Life Matters YOU MATTER, Yo Life Has Value &% I'm Glad Your Alive. Thank U For Being Alive. People say that I help everyone and everything obsessively && I don't stop. It's very true. This is a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤🥀

🖤🔥🥀I failed Cedar House twice. This was a rehab in San Bernardino, California. I lied my way out. And I regret it. Funny thing is I already read the entire NA Basic Text && The AA Big Book. I have multiple sobriety apps on my phone and I have an app that that has NA && AA Speakers on it. I'm reading the How && Why and I'm so proud of myself && I couldn't have got this far without my sponsor, Jaclyn. She understands me better than any sponsor I've had in recovery. Here's a list of my mental disorders, some were caused Or made worse by drugs and alcohol🥀🔥🖤

🌙🔥🔥Schizo-Affective, Bipolar

ADHD, OLD, ODD,

PTSD, Insomnia

Depression, Anorexia

Anxiety, Autism

Borderline Personality Disorder

Severe Brain Damage

Attachment Disorder

Dissociative Identity Fund..

Multiple Personality Disorder

Narcolepsy, Critically/Clinically Insane🔥🔥🌙

🖤🥀Listen I don't need your pity, sympathy or attention these were all diagnosed by over 5 psychiatrists, and diagnosed "Insane" by over 10 doctors. DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE!!!! Anyways. I attempted suicide over 100 times. Self harmed in anyway possible. They say I'm the most high maintenance case in the system of California. And the next time I go to a mental hospital I'm getting sent to a state institution. I would do anything to get drugs. Jeremy && Izzie Baraz were my street partners. They both passed away. All I have left in blood family is my mom and brother. My mom. Says if I pick up drugs one more time I'm never aloud back in her house. My dad injected me with meth and heroin at age 9, he also tortured me daily. He passed away in 2011. I'm glad he's dead. But I take full responsibility for my drug and alcohol habits. And I hope I never go back. One Day At A Time.🥀🖤

🔥🥀This To Shall Pass, If Not Today There's Always Tomorrow

God, Grant Me The Serenity

To Accept The Things I Cannot Change

The Courage To Change The Things I Can. &&

The Wisdom To Know The Difference

Amen🥀🔥

🔥🔥Keep Coming Back It Works If You Work It🔥🔥

🔥🔥A Moment Of Silence, For The Addict Who Still

Suffers, In And Out Of These Rooms🔥🔥

🔥🔥Staying Clean, Im Never Going Back🔥🔥

🥀🖤I almost relapsed again on New Year's. I almost asked a stranger to buy me Vodka. But God told me to stop.

I'm Always Here 4 All Of You, No matter What.

I'd Do Anything To Keep Y'all Alive && Breathing. To Make U OK. to Save && Fix U && Take Your Pain Away. I Love Y'all. Keep Coming Back.🖤🥀