#i dont know if im autistic

[wet-ass-pigeon]

I don't know if I'm autistic or if I just don't like making eye contact, and I'm terrible at face to face conversations, and I want to beat the shit out of something when my hand touches wet food or grease or rusty doorknobs that don't turn without making a disgusting noise or library keyboards, and I want to rip my teeth out when I chew halloumi cheese, and i cant stand that one part in dark red where the guy fucks up the whole sound of the song, and lotion that sticks to your hand no matter how much you wash it, and I grind my teeth when I should be relaxed, and my eyes hurt all the time, an

[mai-komagata]

last reblog about the autistic kid

one thing i never check in "are you autistic" quizzes is "do you like routine" b/c i don't like routine. I find it boring. I like traveling and doing random things today and not doing all the boring repetitive chores. But! i do like knowing what will happen when. I like 30 min warnings for things. I want to see the hiking trail map before we go. I like being able to rehearse scripts and interactions in my head ahead of time. I want to know the order things will happen and when. I don't want boring same every time sex but i want to know what we are doing beforehand (maybe this is why bdsm appeals). We can do a last minute thing, just let me context switch appropriately. Anyway, the story had the parents being like "this kid cannot do anything without a routine" and the babysitter is like "i just needed to let them know things were happening with some warning". And like, yeah, if people refuse to give you warnings you resort to routines b/c its better than being surprised. Like maybe "autistics desire routine" is more like "autistics desire being able to emotionally prepare for the day, and routine is a convenient way to do that, vs actually giving them agency or communicating."

[rubysparx]

Honestly I don't think I'm qualified to make this post, I just don't know if I can make coherent enough words man. But the thoughts are in there and I will try to articulate them. This is probably going to be mostly images though. anyway yeah KABRU POST.

A couple nights ago (at approximately 2:30am, lasting a little over half an hour) I had a bit of a moment about Kabru. That, too, was mostly images- most of what you see in this more concise post were presented then as well. I think my main points of the "moment" were about Kabru's trauma + self hatred, his autism and/or general otherness, and also a little labru if you'd like..

I think something easy to start with is I wanna point out Kabru's constant back and forth and conflicting opinions of demihumans and how, I believe, thats a reflection of how he goes back and forth on what he believes his purpose of living is- and the general worth of his own life. I've said it before and i've just kinda shown it in images; Kabru is "i think im a monster and it disgusts me" where Laios is "I know im a human and it disgusts me" (i could go more into the latter on another post)

the above are both from the world bible, with the left being from the section on kobolds and the right being from the section on Kuro specifically. Utaya was very near to the desert where most of the kobold population is, this is likely why Kabru is able to speak Kuro's language- he grew up around demihumans. (chapter 48 cover, kobold chapter in the world bible) I won't try to speak for how his mother or the rest of utaya felt about the kobolds but I can say that Kabru was very much othered as a child, as was his mother, purely for the way her son's (kabru) eyes looked.

I feel like its fair enough to say that both kabru and the kobolds were othered, and possibly for similar reasons (villager's seeing them as nonhuman, as monsters) and the fact that Kabru learned their language probably didn't help his case. I think his perception of kobolds (and all demihumans, subsequently himself, as he probably still views himself as nonhuman or not human enough.. deep down) was damaged by the Utaya incident. at 2:30am when I first started this ramble my main comment was that "had the utaya incident not happened kabru would have little reason to feel ashamed for his connection to monsters. and may have ended up similar to laios in that he couldve had otherkin swag" which is just a sort of silly way of saying Kabru could've learned to love the thought that he is possibly nonhuman or at least not hated himself so much for it.

in the original ramble I said, and quote, "he has been STALKING laios. laios is his hyperfixation to learn how he can ever be loved. he keeps going back and forth so harshly on wether or not he wants to kill Laios and he clearly sees his survival from utaya not as an unfortunate trauma [*] but as a necessary, deserved fate. a punishment for his mother's witchy sins, and for his sin of being non-human. to atone for it all, to apologize for being alive, he tries to better the lives of all humanity. He was set on his way to dethrone the governor of the island . do you understand? im going insane" *i also said somethings about the way he processes other people's traumas and not his own. He's able to understand and even help some people, but he struggles to process his own issues and see himself as worthy of love and life.

^some examples of Kabru being understanding of or helping others who have suffered greatly. I think its also worth mentioning that with Rin (called "Lynn" in that translation) he says "I wish there was a way to get her out of this" though he's insisted and pushed for himself to go into a dungeon;

In chapter 94, Mithrun says "The desire I had left wasn't revenge. All I wanted.. was for it to finish devouring me." and I don't feel like it's a stretch to say Kabru was in a similar situation. Mithrun sought out the demon with no plan on how to kill something like that because deep down he wanted it to end his (Mithrun's) own life, to finish the trauma it caused and kill him. I think Kabru went into the dungeon in part with the hopes that it'd kill him. That the same thing that destroyed Utaya and caused him so much trauma would just.. finish him.

I just think Kabru is a beautifully complex character, I have a lotta thoughts on him and I don't see nearly as many analysis posts for him than I do Laios (despite labru being such a popular ship)

there is no tldr for this post idk how to summarize it. do what you will with this collection of images. have fun. go crazy

fun fact the woman in the bottom left corner is his mother, she is labeled here as "witch"

[maskerat]

yes, I've watched the video. now this man is my new hyperfixation. expect more art of him soon I suppose.

[bamsara]

being an adult means we can buy or make as much self-indulgent shit (as we can afford) and unironically have trinkets of our fave things cause our teen years was bullied for liking things and hiding/denying we were ever neurodivergent to the point of suicide. sucks for anyone that thinks its weird cringe but I'm going to try and allow myself to love myself in little ways now

[growling]

*average self-proclaimed safe space tumblr blog voice* I soooooo support people with schizophrenia that must be so hard to you anyway I just saw some weird looking woman talking to herself right outside my house im fearing for my life should I call the cops. Yeah dude I support all the adhd havers in the chat just try to pay attention when I talk to you it's not that hard it's like the least you could do to show some regard for the other human being in front of you. Like it's fine to have memory problems but why did you forget this one thing in particular that was important to me do you like not care or anything you should try harder. I am one of the only real mental health advocates to still exist in this world I hear your struggles that being said I hope I never get to meet one of those irl sociopaths or people with aspd whatever they call them now they're so freaky and they can blend into society so well you might never know if you're actually face to face with an actual socio i mean person with aspd in the store absolutely one of my biggest fears what if they torture me in their basement. I absolutely empathize with all the people in here suffering from delusions as long as they like, don't actually show it or have one concerning me that'd be highkey uncomfy leave me out of this dude im not talking to you until you get help, anyway my fav character from my anime just presumably died but i still think they actually survived im sooo delulu lol. We should push for more wheelchair accessibility in our cities I agree but like it's so difficult to tell how many people are actually disabled and who are actually faking it, like, ummm why did that "wheelchair" "user" guy stand up just now cover blown lmaoo…. Yeah I support people with facial differences but I still have a right to be disgusted you can't control my emotions anyway can you tag your selfies as #body horror this deeply triggering to me. Speaking of triggering can you also pleaseee hide your scars or at least warn us beforehand jesus do you know how many people genuinely do not want to see it. Here is my extremely fast strobing lights and flashing gifset #epilepsy. Yeah I loveee girls with bpd beautiful princess disorder am i right they're so interesting the stigma sucksssss i'd love to get to be one's favourite person as long as they don't actually have any of those weird or violent symptoms or don't go into any of their "episodes" near me like that's a bit dramatic….. I deeply feel for those who had underwent narcissistic abuse from the hands of an npd I think my shitty ex boyfriend was a narcissist too tbh #surviving narcissism here are 10 signs you are dealing with a narcissist and here's a tutorial on how to trigger a narc crash to epically own them anyway does anyone else think we should start enforcing mandatory castration of all the newly diagnosed narcs like you know what happens when they reproduce right. But I am willing to support them as long as they go to therapy to get that fixed it's just you know. Anyway sometimes hospitalisation is fine if they're genuinely a danger to themselves like what do you want them to go live on the streets or actually get help?? I support all the people dealing with being a professionally diagnosed disordered system and I think it's sooooo terrible how literally 99% of the youth population nowadays is purposefully faking it for attention I did my research (1 minute google search, 2 minute r/fakedisordercringe scrolling session and consulting a single system that agrees with me). It's just not believable to me that there's really that many people with it isn't it supposed to be rare… Also are we really sure all those alleged people in their heads are really real or just their imagination maybe all of them are actually faking it huh food for thought. I am very uncomfortable with nonverbal high support needs ppl actually having sex like consent is supposed to be explicitly verbal only and, are we really sure they can even consent arent they like basically children. You can't call me ableist I'm literally autistic

[fjordline]

[yet-another-autism-blog]

I need to clean my room but I can't clean my room because in order to clean my room I have to clean my room

[thatoneluckybee]

Going to break into your house with pots and pans and yell at you until you reframe your thinking of productivity to include more than just schoolwork or a salary or chores and the like.

Did you do a thing? Was there a positive result for you or someone else?

Congratulations, you did a Productivity!!!

You aren’t ALWAYS going to be able to have the energy to do what we consider traditionally productive. You won’t always have the motivation.

Yeah, maybe you could have spent two hours studying for that test instead of 15 minutes. Maybe you could have cleaned the kitchen instead of the dishes. And? That’s still something!

Productivity is doing things!! Did you eat food and drink water? You did something that helped your body work! Doodled in class? You made art! Even just posting theories and memes on tumblr dot com is a thing! You thought out the post, figured out how to organize it (even if you don’t realize you did that) and you made it! And now other people can see and you DID something and you should be proud!!!

Be proud of yourself or I am going to show up outside your window tonight and scream positive affirmations louder than a cat who has just discovered her food bowl is empty.

[gravedigg]

This is how I imagine the reunion between Virgil and Gortash went.

Virgil's not exactly tactful... Gortash just looks exhausted, ok?

I like to think that pre-tadpole Virgil was generally pretty, and that he came back looking like swiss cheese but luckily Enver seems pretty ride or die, so I doubt he minds.

[wet-ass-pigeon]

Alright, I've lived for a while claiming that I'm autistic. I'm highlighting claiming here because I'm not quite sure about it anymore.

Now to be frank, I've not had it verified. I've not gone to a doctor and been analyzed. But I've felt things that sort of are in line with autism.

I have difficulty making eye contact. I can hold it for a second, but then I sort of automatically have to divert my gaze. You might think this is a sign of autism but here's the thing, I've been told since I was old enough to speak that I've had an "intense gaze." This has gone so far as to have been called scary or unnerving. And I don't like scaring people, I'm a large man with scary eyes, but I'm a big softie. And so I thought that what I thought was a sign of autism may have been just my subconscious attempt to not scare people.

Another thing that I thought may have been autism was my aversion to touch. I am not that fond of being touched; my arms, my shoulders, my hair and face, I'm just averse to it all, even by people I know and like. But I don't know if that's autism or just the baseline neurotypical aversion to touch. People talk about not liking the feeling of a sweaty handshake all the time, maybe what I'm feeling is just an extension of that. I've never become aggravated from touch, at least I don't think so, and sometimes I like to hug my folks, so I'm not completely averse to touch. Maybe I just don't like it when I'm not initiating it?

There's that thing about loud noises, and I can attest that I've always hated loud noises. I've avoided concerts like the plague until summer last year when my parents took me to one and I sort of enjoyed it even though the volume definitely was too high.

And then that misophonia thing, yes I hate the sound of chewing, my parents chewing, my friends chewing, I can barely stand my own chewing, but that's about it.

And the thing about textures in food, yeah some things I despise because of their texture and flavor and the sound it makes when you chew them (halloumi cheese, burn in hell thank you) but I can't tell if that's just the neurotypical dislike for certain foods.

And I realize as I'm writing this that it reads like some guy bitching that he's not autistic like the cool kids and maybe I'm just playing into the strange trend of certain people wanting to either be oppressed or sick so they can be part of the cultures or whatever. I don't want to be that but I've been claiming that I'm autistic for a while now. I know it's not some glamorous romantic boheme, it's a mental condition that people struggle with and I'm not someone who wants to turn it into an aesthetic and devalue the experiencethat people have struggling with it.

This post has no purpose behind it, it's just something I've been thinking about.

[cheebuss]

blehhh >:P

[suntails]

surprise visitor to a gargoyle walk

[angelmachines]

teru & socialization

i've posted about this before but something ive been thinking about a LOT is mp100's themes of loneliness (and eventual connections). i think this is an aspect of teru's character (in particular) that gets left out because it's not as explicit but i've been wanting to do a deep dive on it for a while and i finally sat down to do it. just a warning, this post is gonna be LONG.

these two panels are from chapter 16 of the manga (which i'm using for my evidence because i. dont want to scrub through the anime LOL). initial sentiment: teru uses his powers to cheat having friends/a good social life and wouldn't have that if he tried earnestly. this is a fair interpretation of the scene. with what we know, at this point of time (as in within the teru-mob fight) teru would not be able to connect with other people earnestly, due to his mindset. which i think is a fair interpretation, HOWEVER:

(from chapter 17 ^^) the first panel shows teru's expression to be strained and the second is visibly unhappy. this puts the first set of panels into a different context, that maybe underneath all of this, teru doesn't WANT any of this life that he's built. keep in mind that i'm analyzing this with teru's possible autistic tendencies in mind & you dont have to believe he's autistic, im not your dad, but i do find this a pretty meaningful indication of masking if he were

(note: yes, the strain can definitely be read as comp-het, and i would agree but that's not relevant so go read this post on that instead)

even if the rest of these panels show teru content with his life, i think these expressions are pretty vital to how we read his life especially because we know so little of it. think about it, if you were a kid desperate for affection because you couldn't get it anywhere else, especially not in a way that would come off as "mature" or "unaffected", wouldn't you also look for validation in your popularity? even if it aligned you with people who you consider fundamentally different to you? my point here is that teru can't not stand out-- it's in his nature-- and we are shown how he tries to blend in & receive attention in the only way possible to him; which is to say that he molds himself into something that is palatable, likeable, and superior to other people. if he's nothing, like mob, he has spent his entire life covering up for it. if he fails socially, like mob, he has to be good at everything (even if he cheats to do so) so that everyone else can look past it.

(side note for my teru angst enjoyers: this is a panel of his mom. the mom who he hasn't seen in years. doesn't it make sense that, if he hasn't heard his mom say he's proud of him for literal years, that he would overachieve in response? not related to the autism thing i just have the teru bug. also don't be misogynistic in my notes both his parents suck we just get a singular mention of his mom)

so if teru couldn't meaningfully have friends before mob, that could very easily be because of his past mindset, right?

...except, we don't.. really... see him make other friends afterwards.

but, the awakening lab, right?

(ok i lied to you sorry there is one anime screenshot and thats because it stood out to me while i rewatched it earlier this month. sorry.) id like to bring attention to this screenshot during the cultural festival because the awakening lab can definitely be seen as a direct contradiction of this and i'd like to point out a couple things:

1) in this scene the shiratori brothers are in another room 2) them and the other three are friends with ritsu (or at least close enough acquaintances to want to see him).

considering this is one of the only times they appear together for Fun i am more inclined to believe this is an encounter where they went together because they all would've gone separately anyway. this isn't to discount the possible bond that these characters might have, but thats the thing. we... aren't really shown that they're friends and enjoy spending time together outside of this screenshot, where two out of six of the members are not even present. not to mention that teru is still placing himself in a role separate from his peers. despite stripping the superiority away, teru is still the awakening lab's mentor, not friend. teru still views himself as fundamentally different in a context where his psychic powers don't make him that way.

...except with mob. i bring this placement of power up because where he is the awakening lab's mentor, teru declares mob to be his rival, or, in other words, teru is just like him. he is accepting that mob and him are the same. (and if we view mob from an autistic lens... so on and so forth)

as if to hammer in that point even further-- in the summer vacation omake, teru explicitly states that "summer break is just a super long, super boring stretch of alone time." i'm not sure of the timeline here, but guessing from the hair, we're at least post season 1. which gives us explicit confirmation here that teru is spending the break alone despite his relationship to the awakening lab. his connection to mob is a lifeline here because mob is one of the only people who can intuitively understand teru's isolation without judgment

(also, on that point of teru's autistic tendencies: teru does and says a LOT of things that would raise other peoples eyebrows and doesn't seem to notice.

here we get teru actively admitting to his home life, right in front of reigen, WHO COULD CALL CHILD SERVICES ON HIM? this genuinely made me rethink this character entirely. teru's filter is... minimal. he isn't constantly volunteering information and generally minds his own business, but if you ask? Well.

teru is a social person, but to say he is proficient in understanding social situations seems... wrong. teru views his loneliness as boring because, despite being fairly open, does not actually allow himself to think about his own feelings and how they affect him. this loneliness is boring because he doesn't have enough of a reference to realize its not

if we are taking pre-mob teru to be a version of himself who is masking, or at the very least someone who is faking a lot of stuff in a less autistic sense, the fight with mob changes teru to the point where he no longer hides himself. in the same way that mob was able to shake teru's fragile superiority complex i think the change in appearance marks the end of the self teru had built up. from this point on we see him become a lot more... Him. his appearance and his fashion choices are, presumably, completely normal to him and we get no indication that he believes otherwise despite the reactions it gets-- which is... well, i wouldn't be writing this post if i thought it was one of his most neurotypical traits.

in fact, he seems... pretty oblivious to what other people think of him. which is an interesting distinction to make considering the intelligence we Know he possesses (which is not to say that you are unintelligent if you don't pick up on social cues, just that its common for media to depict it that way.) these traits are made pointedly, even if unintentionally, separate, ESPECIALLY when you note the amount of characters who Do ruminate on or stare at teru's appearance.

some examples. i don't even think this is all of it-- case in point.)

[that1notetaker]

Part 1 of Ace! April + Best friend Dynamics - Next? Some context: April isn't very confident about being around people in canon. She's weird and badass, and while we love that, she thinks she's got to 'be normal' to be liked, and make friends. It reminded me of the Ace Experience, and how that'd add another layer to the slow acceptance that is herself. Enter Donnie.

[conspicuous-clown-car]

okay so, let me make it 100% clear, I DO NOT SUPPORT DISNEY OR ANY OTHER COMPANY THAT GIVES MONEY TO IS-NOT-REAL OR SUPPORTS THE GENOCIDE.

i get that giving positive attention to anything disney related could cause someone who doesnt care about the boycott to give disney their money BUT GUESS WHAT!! I CANT STOP WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO!!! AND INSIDE OUT 2 IS ALREADY POPULAR AS FUCK

so think whatever you want about me, ive wasted enough mental energy stressing over one person, im tired. im gonna blorbo post. dont like? block.

in the words of an anon, im going to enjoy that weird little orange Thang to my hearts content, thank you, free Palestine

anyways im gonna ramble about her, spoilers below ig

Anxiety's anxiety attack gave me a visceral reaction and literally made me cry because of how similar it was to how i experience anxiety/panic attacks, and i just relate to her so much in general with her planning and obsession to be perfect and in control. i also really appreciate how she wasnt seen as a fully "bad" emotion either, and that sometimes anxiety can be necessary and helpful. i just really enjoy her as a character because when i was younger it was rare to see anxiety/panic attacks in kids movies, and at that time i was dealing regular and debilitating anxiety/panic attacks and severe anxiety in general, like to the point that i was agoraphobic. it made me wish i had this movie when i was a kid to know i wasn't broken, but it makes me happy that kids have this movie now. but yea anxiety is a comfort character now, i will literally MAKE a plushie of her if i get more obsessed with her