#self expression should not be gatekept

[flightyquinn]

AI Haters, Please Read to the End

I see people celebrating every time something bad happens in the AI art world, and that makes me very sad. Because I am partially colorblind, and have ADHD, clinical depression, and other health issues that I'm less comfortable talking about. Because I can't work, and rely on family for housing and government assistance to afford essentials. For someone like me, the barrier to entry on art is high. I'm never going to own a drawing tablet, I can't get professional lessons, my focus sucks to the point where it's hard to follow tutorials no matter how much I want to, and even if all of that could be sorted, my own eyes are against me.

But I still have ideas. I still have pictures in my head that want to get out. Characters that want faces, scenes that want to be expressed, and the like. I'm still creative. I just can't properly express that creativity. Nor can I pay someone else to express it for me. However, I can tell an AI what I'm trying to depict. I can tweak the settings, make small changes, spend hours on end generating and re-generating, tweaking and re-tweaking, and making small edits that are within my power to do, until I have a picture that satisfies my need to bring the thing in my head to life. That's not "stealing". It's not pushing a button and letting the computer do the work for me. That's me having my own ideas, and trying to use the tools at my disposal to turn them into something that other people can see.

Plus, there's one other thing I can do. This is a picture I generated with AI that I'm actually quite proud of.

And do you know why? Because it started as this.

I fed my terrible MSPaint rough as hell doodle into an AI, and told it what the picture was supposed to be. And I tried again, and again, and again, until I was able to refine the result into something that I was happy with - which took a whole lot more than just pressing the button again, let me tell you.

This is my idea, from start to finish, and my shitty art became something that actually looks halfway decent. Yeah, I'm aware of the wonkiness and AI jank. I know the jawline's weird, his eyes don't match, and there's something up with his ear. It's not perfect, but it's a whole lot better than what I could do on my own.

Look, when it comes to stopping the commercialization of AI art, I'm right there with you guys. Fuck corporations that want to replace their whole art department. Fuck people who want to impersonate other artists, or take commissions to turn someone's description of what they want into a prompt. Hell, fuck the people who take the first result they're given without trying to refine it at all!

However, I don't want AI to die. AI is an accessibility option. AI is a tool that lets me go from saying for years, "I wish I could have art of my first D&D character, I have so many fond memories of him." to having that one picture. It lets me stop stealing every time I want a character portrait for a new TTRPG that I'm starting up. Because you know what? I don't have the ability to be a "real artist", and I never will. There's too many barriers for entry.

...and my situation is mild compared to what some people have to deal with. Sure, there are people who find ways to make traditional art despite disabilities, but that's an exception. It could be the rule. Why shouldn't it be?

As far as "theft" goes, I have yet to hear one explanation of why it's okay to use references, but not AI, that didn't boil down to "it's different when we do it". And what about collage? Is a collage art, or is it "theft?" What about sculptural works that use reclaimed objects? They didn't create that. They just decided how it would be arranged. Hell, what about pieces like "The Fountain" for that matter? That's a big problem I have with all this hate. If you applied the same standards to other things as to AI, then there's a lot of things that currently are art we'd have to say aren't any more.

If you have a problem with AI, why not work to make it better, instead of trying to deprive people who rely on it for self-expression of a creative outlet?

[hidden-among-stars]

An Identity Without Name

A little while ago, I helped some other folks to coin a new term: Anymic (pronounced ay-nim-ick). The purpose of this term is somewhat paradoxical - it gives a name to identities that have no name (etymologically, anymic translates to "being without a name"). Those of us who coined it, though our experiences differ greatly and our species identities are practically nothing alike, had a few very key things in common:

We know our experiences very well. We have a very good idea of what our species identity is

That species identity does not correlate completely with any species that is known to exist anywhere in the history of this universe or in the known mythology/imaginations of humans

This identity is not a character or species we created in our imaginations, but rather feels like something that did, does, will, can, or should exist either in this world or another - therefore, OCkin doesn't fit

We also expressed frustration with how we are able to introduce ourselves when coming into new alterhuman spaces*. While others are able to be more succinct about their identities - for example, saying "I'm dragonkin" or "I'm a fox therian" - we would have to say something to the effect of "I'm a therian of an unknown species," which gives the wrong idea. It implies that we don't know what species we are, that we don't know what our experiences amount to, that we don't have any sort of image of who we are or what we should be.

The definition we settled on is "An identity that does not possess a formal name (and may be the only one of its kind/type)." As a note, the part about being the only one of its kind/type was added mostly by request of the others who were working on coining this term, but does seem to be an integral part of this type of identity. It was a commonality among all of us who worked on coining the term and the definition. Regardless, one of the most important things about this term is that it insinuates that yes, I do have an idea of what species I am, I do know what my experiences amount to, I have at least some image of who I am or what I should be, there just is no name for what I am.

Of course, this term doesn't negate our potential need to explain our identities further if someone should ask, but it is far easier to say that I am an anymic contherian than to say "I'm a contherian with a theriotype that has no known species name and is not something that is currently known to have existed/currently exist/someday exist, nor is it anything that has appeared in known human mythology/folklore/fiction." Yeesh. What a mouthful.

This is not a term I would necessarily recommend to the newly awakened alterhuman, but rather what I might call a "last resort" term. When you've exhausted all of the options that seem like they might fit, when you've done all the research that you could possibly do, when it just seems like you constantly try and fail to find that one identity that fits - that's when you take on the term anymic. Even more important to recognize, though, is that it's very possible that someday as you continue to search for potential fits, you might finally stumble across something that makes you say "that's it! That's me!" And that's just fine! Anymic isn't a static term that you're stuck with forever, but it's a term that will be there for you when you need it. After all, it's entirely possible that you could find something that makes you say "that's it! That's me!" only to later discover that maybe that doesn't fit either, and you go back to being anymic. The point is, while this is a term that should be considered a last resort, it's also a term that should not under any circumstances be gatekept by age or experience or by whatever one individual considers "enough" research or self reflection.

As for how to use it, it should be considered an extremely versatile term. It can be used on its own - one could simply be "anymic." It can also be used as a microlabel, such as the examples I've already given ("anymic therian"). It could even be used as a secondary identifier - for example, if someone has an identity that seems to be a un-named subspecies of a known species, or is part of a larger category (of whatever kind) but doesn't fit any known identities within that category, they could say they are an "anymic fox therian" or "anymic draconic otherkin." How it is utilized in a line-up of labels is entirely dependent on the individual who uses it, so long as it maintains the definition of being a known, understood identity that simply has no formal name.

I might be biased, but I think this is an important term to add to our general alterhuman vocabulary. Personally, one of the things that made me feel somewhat alienated from the rest of the community is that when introducing myself I have to either give less than the full story by saying that my theriotype is "unknown," or practically write an entire book about my identity. Coining this term with others who have been experiencing the same sort of feeling helped me immensely to see that I'm not the only one with an identity that doesn't have a proper name. To be able to just say "I know what I am, but I just don't have a name to give you to describe what I am" in just one word is honestly game-changing, and it would be incredible to see this term catch on so those of us who have this experience could even more easily connect.

Obviously use of this term by those who have this experience isn't a necessity, but it's an option that so far seems to be appreciated.

*When I say alterhuman spaces, I mean alterhuman spaces in general, not just therian/otherkin spaces. I am well aware that alterhuman =/= nonhuman identity, I promise! This post may be more focused on the nonhuman-type identities, but an anymic identity can apply to just about any identity that otherwise has no formal name.

[thesharkbaitspellbook]

Fitness Magic

Fitness Magic

Fitness Magic is simply the magic related to the physical fitness/physical body care and physical activity/movement of the body for magical purposes. Gym life, and physical activity is quite a big part of my everyday. So, I wanted to deep dive on giving a extra magical meaning beyond a devotional act. I have been on a journey with fitness for a very long time. And it is a balance. Like anything there are both healthy and unhealthy manifestations of this. Being too obsessed with the gym and how your body looks can lead to very unhealthy habits and self image issues. These things are not helped by our current societal beauty standards but this is where the balance needs to form. Its okay to want to look better while doing something good for your health and body. But that's exactly the mindset you need to keep. It's for your body's health and preservation. Perfect bodies do not exist and all bodies are summer bodies. Full Stop. The other thing I want to make abundantly clear is any form of physical activity can apply here. Anything that fits your needs and abilities. From heavy weightlifting, walking, cycling, stretching, western form of yoga, classes, swimming, dance, arm circles only, walking across your home…. anything. You do not need a gym. I am of the belief that physical fitness and physical activity is available to anyone who wants to do it. It shouldn't be some gatekept intimidating thing. What I mean is if you want to, you can. and there is something for every level. The other part of this is, if you are a little unsure of what you can do or should do, consult a doctor. Personal trainers are great but they are not doctors. Your health is important and please take your doctors recs and not some random influencer on the internet. Every body is unique and has different needs.

Themes

Self Love/Care: This is… or should be… a big part of this journey. Do it for you, your health, your spirit. This is a part of my self care routine. Doing even light activity can help with the image and feelings of our bodies. Especially as you start to see progress. Like if you start lifting you'll start pretty low, and then BAM, holy poop I didn't know I could be this strong. Makes you feel good about your body and proud of it.

Healing: I'm including healing because I personally find the physical activity healing for the mind, body, AND soul. Of course there is also a physical healing aspect like physical therapy and such. However there are numerous studies expressing the mental benefits as well.

Grounding/Connection to the Body: I find exercise and stretching is a great way to ground and connect to your body. A way to balance the input/output of energy. Have extra energy to spare, go to failure, need more energy, slow down to slow and intentional movements.

Meditation: This is honestly my favorite meditation method.

Energy: The energy produced is KEY for this magical take on fitness. Pride, Excursion, Sweat, Dopamine, Noradrenaline, Serotonin, "Runners High"… I will go into detail on how to use aspect later.

Fun: Exercise should be fun and not a chore. Feeling like a chore will make you not want to do it so finding something you can enjoy is absolutely a key factor.

Community: Gyms, sports teams, classes, online accountability groups are their own little communities. Community can help us be consistent and stick to it even if it gets super hard or you fall into a plateau or other mental dip in continuing.

Strength: Building strength might seem like an obvious theme, although it is down on the list because strength is not everyone's goal in going into fitness sphere's.

Endurance: Like Strength, this might seem obvious but it is not. This is not everyone's goal.

Body Affirming: Needing a little boost in connecting to your body and presenting as you would like? This can be a benefit and impact on why fitness is am interest.

How does it work?

Well, there are a few different ways to think about this. The first one is the use of the energy. The other main way is adding other types of magic into your fitness routine or just a single session. One other main way you will see fitness used, is as a devotional act to a spirit, deity, or entity. Lets go through a few of them.

Energy Input/Output and Visualization

The inspiration I got for this actually came out of sex magic. In sex magic the general idea is that the peak feeling of an orgasm is used to manifest/visualize the desired output, putting that out into the web of fate for it to come around. Well, a similar thing can be done in this context. For example, pushing those final reps creates and similar mindset of pushing through and pushing that energy out of your body. Another example would be in dance or stretching and putting that energy and intention into your physical movements. There are several ways to emphasize your intention but truly the imagination is the limit.

Types of Workings to Include

Self Improvement: Not just physical improvement. Really I think any self improvement intention could be applied here.

Healing, and Letting go: Physical movement is a great outlet for a multitude of emotions. Anger, Sadness, Frustration, etc. Personally this is also how I've dealt with processing trauma. It gives me time to think and put the resulting emotions into something good. (Always see a therapist and get professional help but I find it can help in conjunction). Physical healing has been mentioned, but I'm going to say it again lol. My experience has been healing torn and damaged muscles through my various sports and training activities.

Strength: Inner, outer, mental, emotional strength. Enough said.

Happiness/Joy: Science researchers tell us exercising boosts those good chemicals in our brain and I am not above using that in a magical sense too. Attract that happiness into your daily life.

Affirmations: Repeat them during sets, reps, breath exercises or chucks of movement.

Manifestations: You don't want to know how many times I've been on the chest press bench like "I will get this fucking house, I will get this fucking house" while buying a home lol.

Cleansing: Similar to healing, but taking a step further I am a fan of cleansing and literally sweating out what you need to get off of you. I find this even useful in terms of getting rid of things like evil eye and such.

Glamor: Physical appearance can be mentioned here but also things like "I am perceived as strong"

Flexibility: Things like dance, yoga, water aerobics help with the physical flexibility of the body… but what you need you or someone else to bend just a wee bit for whatever reason. Bend not break, important distinction.

Self Love: Love yourselves beautifuls. Your body and mind is capable of great things no matter your level. Connect and tap into that. 💕

Types of Magic to Include

Kitchen Magic: This is a bigger aspect than most people might realize. To exercise and move the way you want to, you have to have the proper fuel in your body. And that fuel varies and differs my person. But incorporating food and healing the relationship with modern food is absolutely part of a fitness journey and realm. Beyond food, there are so many vitamins, protein powders, pre-workouts, supplements, etc. that people incorporate into their fitness journey. The type, flavor, milks used, proteins, vitamins all will have different correspondences in what can be added into workings and intentions.

Color Magic/Rainbowmancy: Use your colors in what you wear, equipment, and drink from. In my case this can even include flag and tape color i use when I want to tap back into Colorguard movements.

Sigils: Draw on you, your equipment, stitch onto things, stand on to manifest, dance with the movement/move the flag/wand/baton/hoop/etc in the shape.

Divination: Here are just a few that could be utilized

Zygomancy: by weights

Nephomancy: by clouds

Fructomancy/fructimancy: by fruit

Drimimancy/drymimancy: by bodily fluids

Alveromancy: by sounds

Ambulomancy: by walking

Numerology: Numbers of reps, sets, exercises, dance counts, day, time, etc.

Lunar Magic: You can line up the routine based on the moon, use moon water in your pre-workout/plain/protein.

Cycles/Menstruation: If you are a uterus owner… your exercise might be dictated by your cycle. For example the week before you bleed things tend to seem HEAVY for no reason. This doesn't mean you lost strength, your body just said "not today maybe".

Mediation: The motions almost force you to focus on the breath, moves, and that can flip your brain into a meditative state.

Coffee/Tea/Brew Magic: For all your brewing needs… protein coffee is a staple for me to no ones surprise.

Art and Music: Dance and similar activities are arts in themselves so I think it's important to include. In the same vein, music played no matter the exercise can absolutely boost vibes and intentions.

Tools

Weights/bands/barbells/ankle weights/really any equipment needed

Shaker bottles (gym girlies… if you know, you know… they take over your house)

Protein powders/pre-workout powders/stimulant supplements

Active wear/Shoes (Clothes are also great tools to just make you feel good and cute while doing what you need to)

Yoga mat

Weight gloves

Towels

WATER BOTTLES

Massagers

Saunas/Ice Baths

Ideas

Embroider a sigil on my weight lifting gloves for strength and endurance

Wear my Mjolnir for Thor

Stir in intention and enchant the pre-workout. (also have drawn sigils on my shaker bottles)

Color magic with workout sets

Stick a sigil or written intentions in my shoe while doing cardio

Let out that stress while lifting… like breathing exercises (safely) while pushing those reps

Numerology intention with rep and set choice. (currently I do about 7 sets of 9 reps for lower weight and 4 sets of 7 reps for higher)

Mantras are your friend to gather motivation and self empowerment.

Take those vitamins with a blessing and/or prayer

When I stretch after a hard session I go into like a meditation/trance mode and do a light body exercise to feel how my body is feeling. (I get hella good results here)

If you take a shower or soak after let the sweat and water rinse off the stress you just got rid off.

Visualize while active (if you can't just think about the intention)

Devote a set or entire workout to a spirit of choice

Create a goal/mood board for goal manifestation

Run for a cause (5ks and such)

I workout in the morning, so omelets are the perfect post-workout breakfast and you can do so much with the veggies and ingredients used.

Power Smoothies!!

Protein milkshakes are something I love

Spirits to Work With

Deities

This is definitely not a comprehensive list. Really think of deities related to well-being, health, improvement, modern gym, olympic style game deities, warrior/training beings. Things like that would all apply here. Or any other correspondences to any form of physical health you are focusing on.

Thor: Norse god of Lightning, thunder, storms, sacred groves and trees, strength, the protection of humankind, hallowing, and fertility.

Ullr: Norse god of Archery, snow, and hunting. He was said to have superior skiing and skating abilities,

Freyja: Norse goddess of love, beauty, fertility, sex, war, gold

Skadi: Norse goddess of bowhunting, skiing, winter, and mountains.

Athena: Greek Goddess of wisdom, craft, and warfare

Artemis: Greek goddess of the hunt, the wilderness, wild animals, nature, vegetation, childbirth, care of children, and chastity

The Morrigan: Irish Goddess of war among other things depending on aspect

Beelzebub: Sin of Gluttony… can help with food balance

Belphegor: Sin of Sloth, can help with motivation

Lucifer: Sin of Pride

Satan: Sin of Wrath, channel the anger and has war and training aspects

Aphrodite: Greek goddess of love, sex, war and beauty

Odin: Norse God of war, wisdom,

Hermes: Greek god of trade, wealth, luck, fertility, animal husbandry, sleep, language, thieves, and travel. Some consider him a protector of human kind

Hercules: Greek figures of strength and heros

Ares: Greek god of war or, more properly, the spirit of battle, and courage

Sobek: Egyptian god associated with pharaonic power, fertility, and military prowess, but served additionally as a protective deity

Lugh: Irish God of light, justice, warriors, wisdom

Nike: Greek goddess of victory, both in regards to war and friendly competition (and literally has an athletic brand using her name lol)

Spirits/Archetypes

Gladiators

Warriors

Gym bros/bras (literally saw someone use Dwayne "the rock" as an archetype)

The gym/equipment spirits (animism applies)

If you are into pop culture stuff, superhero's/comic characters

More posts:

Protein Shake Correspondences

[marrowhyena]

Anonymous Coward asked: It's nice to see mainstream fictional characters engaging in homoerotic furry media made by an official source (recent Deadpool furry thingy) but don't you think this means that corporations are getting too comfortable trying to appeal to furries?

There are pitfalls to rainbow capitalism, but it seems preferable to when companies withdraw their support in response to homophobic backlash. Recent pride months have been stressful. More demographics being recognized as worth marketing to is usually a good thing. Anthrocon had over 17,000 people this year. I guess I'd rather see stuff like "Deadpool is a furry lol" than the conservative tactic of claiming that "furries are shitting in litterboxes and transing your kids at school" etc. The more exposure we get, the more mundane we seem, the dumber the fearmongering sounds.

When it comes to "keep furry weird" etc, I just hope that people remain true to their self-expression and don't start self-censoring or, frankly, continue to police fellow queer people for the sake of appearances to mainstream audiences. The number of times I hear the phrase "this is why people hate furries" FROM furries in response to other furries, when acting "normal" for outsiders was never the point to begin with, is just, holy shit. If anyone should be gatekept, it's people who bring shame into the equation.

Re: Deadpool specifically, I dunno comic lore, but isn't he still covered in full-body scars that will never heal? Making him also functionally hairless? Him being a luscious furry fox doesn't seem to make any sense. I can appreciate him coyly looking into the camera as he opens Logan's shirt and they rub their furry chests together, but why did becoming furry "cure" him? 

 [Smile or comment on the answer here](https://retrospring.net/@Boring_Keith/a/112848855424955344)

[piracytheorist]

I posted 1,990 times in 2022

589 posts created (30%)

1,401 posts reblogged (70%)

I tagged 1,901 of my posts in 2022

Only 4% of my posts had no tags

#resident evil - 277 posts

#nette speaks - 242 posts

#ask and ye shall receive - 186 posts

#spy x family - 183 posts

#a pirate's queue for me - 183 posts

#ethan winters - 172 posts

#resident evil 8 - 165 posts

#digimon - 154 posts

#re fanart - 142 posts

#anonymous - 126 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#the fact that one of the original creators left from the production of the film also encourages me even more to disagree with their choices

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

See the full post

409 notes - Posted May 16, 2022

#4

good night imma go to sleep with the thought that Ethan’s death in the main game was him all alone in fear and in pain and without any proper goodbyes and broken by the thought he’d never watch his daughter grow up, the daughter for whose safety he was dying in the first place

and his “death” in Shadows of Rose was him being held in Rose’s arms, not only seeing Rose grown up but also seeing how she grew from uncertainty and hate for herself into confidence and self-love, being able to express his love and pride for her, hearing Rose tell him she loves him, staying by his side and holding him close, and even though he was still in pain he was not alone. He could smile, and be happy, and be proud. He could be at peace.

518 notes - Posted November 2, 2022

#3

Turning Red really fucking blew my mind like I'm starting to come up with an entire essay about why asexual representation has to come hand-in-hand with sexual liberation and the disappearance of shameful horniness

Like we cannot confidently say that people will see ace representation and immediately understand they're ace if they haven't been exposed to what NOT being ace is, if we do not make it clear that hi, people are having sex irl because it feels good and because their minds are really begging them to do it not because they feel they "have" to

Like as an asexual I can GUARANTEE you that a lot of us do not understand how much and how POWERFULLY allos vibe with sex in media, because we're taking it as yet another extreme and stereotype Hollywood throws at us. And because The Church still has so much power, that sex depiction is limited and only used for "specific purposes" as if making people horny isn't a legitimate purpose.

And good ace representation cannot exist with that limit set. If clueless ace people don't know what it is they don't feel, they will not understand that the ace representation is there for them, that it's meant to help them understand and explore their own sexuality (or lack thereof). Sex exists in media, but it exists WRONG when it comes to people understanding and exploring their sexuality. It's there for show and shock and "it's not for children" when it should be there for "It's a thing humans do, it's a thing humans like, it's a thing 99% of the population will relate to".

And if that is set right, the 1% that will not relate to it, they will see asexual representation and (probably) immediately be like "Oh that's why I don't get any of it lol." Because they will KNOW what it is they DON'T feel. And I cannot stress how much, as an asexual, understanding you DON'T feel something so common it's barely even discussed because everyone takes it for granted, is one of the hardest things to do.

923 notes - Posted April 8, 2022

#2

There's an especially funny part about Twilight freaking out over Anya's apparent stress from "being dragged out of an orphanage by a stranger"... when Anya was the one who gaslit gatekept girlbossed her way into being adopted by him.

1,210 notes - Posted December 4, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I love how even silly short missions manage to have their share of wholesomeness and family connection. It's like family is important in a series called Spy x Family or something.

Anyway, Anya is a kid that gets very attached to certain things - and despite being bold enough to use the knowledge she has due to her telepathy in order to make Loid do what she wants, she's not exactly a spoiled kid. She still sticks to Mr. Chimera, the only toy she had while she was in the orphanage. She doesn't ask for new clothes, or toys, or gadgets, what she asks for is experiences (the castle rescue, adopting Bond in specific after she was emotionally invested in him)... and peanuts, too.

So to her, the penguin plush is not just one toy from her plethora of toys that got ruined. It's a toy that her dad got for her. It's a souvenir of their aquarium adventure, where she helped him locate the penguin he needed to find and even arrest the criminal who wanted to get the secret information about the weapon. It's a reminder of how she took part and helped him in his mission. Just a replacement stuffed penguin won't do. It's not the toy itself, it's the memories connected to it. I mean, of course she's sad a toy of her got destroyed - by the dog she asked to have, no less - but it hurts even more knowing what this toy means to her.

See the full post

1,244 notes - Posted November 28, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[sokkagatekeeper]

zukka is nice because zuko needs a very detailed explanation for every thing and idea he is presented with ever and sokka needs to infodump on a daily basis or else he will die

[queermoths]

“first, the medical approach to gender variance, and the creation if transsexuality, has resulted in a governance of trans bodies that restricts our ability to make gender transitions which do not yield membership in a normative gender role. the self-determination of trans people in crafting our gender expression is compromised by the rigidity of the diagnostic and treatment criteria. at the same time, this criteria and the version of transsexuality that it posits produce and reify a fiction of normal, healthy gender that works as a regulatory measure for the gender expression of all people. to adopt the medical understanding of transsexuality is to agree that SRS is the unfortunate treatment of an unfortunate condition, to accept the gender norm adherence is fortunate and healthy, and to undermine the threat to a dichotomous gender system which trans experience can pose. the reification of the violence of compulsory gender norm adherence, and the submission of trans bodies to a norm-producing medical discipline, is too high a price to lay for a small hope of conditional tolerance.”

— dean spade, “mutilating gender”, the transgender studies reader

and that isnt to say that medical transition is wrong. i am medically transitioning! however, my medical transition wasnt easily accessible nor was it anything other than conditional on my adherence to the gender norms of society. its saying that medical transition is gatekept because of the way transness has been pathologised by the medical community. we are told to act and present ourselves and our history in a certain way to be “trans enough” for medical transition when medical transition should be financially accessible and not conditional on the basis of how well we confine ourselves to a gender binary forced on us by cisgenderism and the confines of our society’s gender norms. it is a form of transphobic violence to gatekeep medical transition and pathologise it in the way the medical community has done

[sword-brainrot]

If it's okay, can I request a platonic matchup? I'm not attracted to men but I'd love to be friends with these swords or the kind of person these swords represent. They/them pronouns please!

I would say my person is somehow of a huge contradiction? (Albeit everyone is multifaceted) Ever since I was a child I've been sort of masculine/gender non-conforming in the rough sort of way if you get it? But ever since I was fed this certain [toxic] mindset by media that it'll be taken away from me/I'm not worthy if I didn't act masculine in some sort of cool, suave, elegant sort of way, I tried to be that but ended up simply obsessing over it more than doing anything and felt like I've "failed", so the rough and refined parts of this kind of just mushed weirdly. I'm trying to get over my insecurities and the toxic mindset of not being enough for not fitting perfectly into one category and just accepting that I can be masc in the way I just am and I don't need to please anyone in my gender expression. I was also cheerful as a child but due to life I have just became more quiet and aloof, at some point I didn't want to be friends with/close to anyone, but eventually I regained friendliness and grew a sort of "cursed" type of humor, though I'm still more quiet. I'm generally a negative person but won't hesitate to think positive or be determined if it's to help others or for my success. I'm also generally nice or kind, but also quite irritable which makes me wish I was also more patient and less "selfish". I'm pretty envious/jealous, but am now improving with it by focusing on improvement itself and trying to change those feelings into inspiration and admiration. Lastly I'm quite contemplative and geeky, have making art, video games, and consuming other media as a main hobby, but I don't mind doing sports or exercise especially since I've always wanted to do them as a kid but was gatekept from them.

In a friend I'd just like someone who's nice or kind to me? Someone who can listen and give me sound advice but is honest about it. (I have no idea if this is important but I also tend to be drawn to similar people in that they're quiet and/or negative admittedly, but are still nice nonetheless.)

I Match You With...

🌸 Yamanbagiri Kunihiro 🌸

♡  I believe that you and Yamanbagiri would be a great match for each other. Your friendship would improve the both of you to become the person you wish to be. 

♡  The two of you are very similar. From having your own struggles with your self identity and trying to conforming into what they “should” be. However no one has to fit into that box to make others happy. 

♡  Yamanbagiri’s whole life was being labeled as a fake to a famous sword who killed a witch... But never being that sword. The copy that was trying to be something that he isn’t. It caused him so much distress that he decided to wear that cloak to hide away his face from the world. Not even cleaning because he never wanted to be seen without it and thinking he deserves something ugly to fit him.

♡  However that isn’t truthful for either of you.

♡  The two would lift each other. As much as Yamanbagiri hates himself, he could never hate you. You are the saniwa that saw something good in him and trusted him so much. In time... slowly growing that bond into a friendship. 

♡  Yamanbagiri isn’t outspoken but if he ever saw you speaking badly about yourself, he would try to speak up and try to defend you. Because you really are an inspiration to him. 

♡  He likes every side of you. Even the ones that you may call flaws. 

♡  Even if you aren’t as elegant as you would like to be, he would try to praise you. You would hear him stammering, blushing, and mumbling trying to get the words out, but when he does... he means it. 

♡  Yamanbagiri really enjoys having someone that he can relax with. He is often around people that are high energy and that can get very draining. Being around you, he can relax. He doesn’t feel like he has to talk. Instead enjoying the pleasant silence between the two as they sit together.

♡  Yamanbagiri thinks he is very untalented to ever do any of the hobbies that you have interest in. You can totally convince him. Don’t be surprised that if he isn’t a master at the activity, he will think he absolutely sucks.

♡  He would still try if you asked him and encouraged him. 

♡  I believe you would be the main reason Yamanbagiri would grow that courage of going on his kiwame journey. He would see you trying every day to break out of the past thoughts that now plague you. You want to change and so does he. You were the main reason he wanted to change because you showed him that it was possible... No matter how slow or how healing isn’t a straight path forward. 

♡  When he returns from the kiwame, he will show up before you without his cloak.. and a smile he often hid. 

♡  You were always there for him, supporting his journey of change, and allowing him the change to leave the citadel to figure out who he really is.

♡  This time, he is back with for confidence and ready to be the support pillar that you may need in your journey to become the person you could love. 

♡   And he would not leave his friend behind. 

[imaginaryhuman]

Insecurities, Fortitude and the Unfortunate Phenomenon of Gatekeeping

Note:

1. I'm trying to not be afraid of my own opinions (this will probably get a different word wall)

2. This isn't a hot take or a "permanent opinion". It's just...current. I think opinions fit a dynamic mold. Or I think it should since circumstances change and experiences can change thought processes.

3. My initial draft for this was a lot more aggressive and angry. When I started writing, I thought I would only tackle the one thing I was very familiar with (insecurities), then I read an article that miffed me a bit because of the gatekeeping vibes, and for a while, I was angry about it but then I realized how common it was. I've heard it from my brothers, I've experienced it with fandoms, with books, with cooking, and with running. There's even a subreddit for it! 👀

It's not like I'd wake up one day and it will be gone. Still, it does push me a few steps back when it comes to conquering slight misanthropy. But it matters to me to say this cause I grew up seeing myself as some last draw.

_____________________________________________________________

"I feel most responsible for myself when I'm insecure" I've wanted to expound on this for a while so here goes:

I've grown to have an intimate (and rather painful) relationship with insecurities. I was a sickly child so I would be in and out of hospitals so frequently that establishing young friendships didn't come easy. Some kids didn't take kindly to impermanence too and it's not anyone's fault. It just happened to be that way. Growing up, I came to realize that I wasn't exactly great at anything. Had I not been exposed to extraordinary minds, maybe I would have come to terms with it much kindly except I wasn't. I always thought that people around me were brilliant, smart, and talented (until now). To the point where I felt the need to alienate myself from it all so I could remain in the forefront of my own mind.

Comparisons come naturally but having them weigh on you is a different ball game altogether. Learning ways out of it is always challenging because insecurities aren't just a singular form of monster-- Sometimes it's about the future, sometimes it's body image, sometimes it's the gripping idea of not being enough for anything you love and it's all so cursed and horrible.

There was that time when more things were piled up on the mental shelving. I was talking shit about someone. Sure, people do it all the time but I think that time I was... viciously and purposelessly nitpicking. Everything I could say about that person, I said it. Totally not proud of that moment and a friend thought so too! First, they told me to shut the fuck up. Just like that, really. Next is they pointed it out. As in told me "V, you have a problem and it's really fine being a total hater but you're not usually like this with other things you dislike. What's wrong?" and then we EXPLORED. Doing this can be so cringe a lot of times but hey, we face the music in this club! I was happy to not be thinking about it alone and the experience made me learn a new way of confronting things and issues that make me feel insecure.

We talked about the whats, whys, and hows of being one hell of a hater and how even if certain reasons are justified. Like, okay, someone did something bad to you and you hate them for it? That's totally valid. Do you find certain traits a bit off your tastes? that's valid too! But even if they are valid feelings, most of the time it's not enough to justify certain actions. The thing is, we don't really have the right to be so up in someone's business about every little thing they do. It's frustrating and I feel like a hypocrite saying this sometimes because I have the obsessive compulsion to keep everyone at arm's length but I feel like there's a parameter where peoples' businesses either become something welcome or becomes a blip on a radar that I'd aggressively shoot down. Although I know that my radar can get too wide and that I need some willpower to hold back snark and suspicion. What can I say, I'm weak to any notions of ill-intent (a byproduct of assault).

But fortitude would sometimes come from borrowed words:

"Don't deny yourself what you think but don't do yourself a disservice by not figuring out what it really is about"

I was told then. To be truthful but exercise tact (I'm neither tactful, clever nor silent hence the trouble that follows) and to be mindful of the undercurrents of my thoughts. I think it's important to take a step back and at least ask yourself the most honest and genuine whys.

Insecurity has a bad rep and is too often used derogatorily for something so common and rather natural. But I feel that ultimately, insecurity stems from an understanding of what you don't have and the frustration of having aspirations. Having aspirations being a good thing but the frustration makes us people act up in so many different ways. For me, insecurities have primarily manifested themselves through the urge to just hide everything that makes me happy because I couldn't (and it's still hard to) stand digs at the things I do to keep me sane. Plus I've always thought them (happy things) few and temporary so that's that. Younger me was weird about it omg.

The rule in this house now though is to express what makes me happy and I think I've saved up a bit of grit to not allow myself to be gatekept (by others and by myself**) from those happy things! I love a lot of things (baking, running, reading, pets, anime & manga, drawing...) and the gatekeeping going on with all those? Surprisingly plenty! A totally different word block (that I won't write because I think this has to be put to rest here), really, and also a total nightmare. But how it applies in the realm of insecurities is... Oh, boi. Ignore it-- it's just bad news as it is strong fuel to a fire you don't want to keep going. If you love doing what you do and you're not hurting anyone then just keep going. I know for a fact that the things I love doing are loved by many others too because running? Creating things? Reading? These are things worth loving without it having to be a competitive chore (If you wanna challenge goals though then hey! Good on you! YOU CAN DO IT!)

Draw your lines, plan your layering in a way that fits your style. Use the tools that work for you. Put on your shoes and get going. I'm only particular with speed because I want to get better (and lol I am not fast) but just being out there and moving? That's already running. Fail some recipes or nail em, whatever happens, just try. Fangirl over what you wanna fangirl about! Post it on your IG and all your other socials. A rather horrifying realization is that no matter what you do, someone's gonna take a dunk at ya. Worse, you can be intentionally approached and engaged for that purpose primarily. It's okay (not really but... if it happens, it happens ). Even if you're used to it, it will still get to you but maybe less and less through time. When the voice of apprehension guides you to retaliate in the most painful way you know, just keep the fear at bay and be strong to not let that urge take over your words and actions. Be frustrated! It's fine! And I really don't support self-harm so please don't misunderstand when I say that when it comes to fear and insecurity, there's a lot you have to take on yourself so you don't hurt others. A lot to unpack between you and your brain. There are people who can love you without patronizing you and those you can trust to reign you in when you lose better judgment. Be honest and let them in.

Have that conversation.

//

Extras:

- AH! But I got to say this cause I also saw a post that said "if you haven't ran 50 to 100 miles, you don't know what a hard run is" wow. Fuck that guy. Actually, don't. He's probably not a fun date.

- this: "you can be intentionally approached and engaged for that purpose primarily" is from experience. An extra worse thing is to be vilified for retaliating. Like...was I just supposed to sit there and take it?

- I used to not like motivational quotes! I mean, I'm alright with them now for sure! We were talking about them and I was asked "What's wrong with properly credited borrowed words? You use them all the time since you like referencing songs." and it was like a tunnel of light appeared before me! Sorry for those whose post I've frowned at! I had an angst phase! I am very genuinely sorry 🙏🏻

[periakman]

26. What sorts of art exist in your world? Art, like all things, goes through movements and trends, so while I Can explain this, I really can only speak of what is absurdly influential, or trendy now. Kesterline art is not inherently tied to its religion, but to the outsider all art would appear to be religious, due to the use of symbols and language to convey concepts that are born in the Rite of Self. It is very focused on the idea of meaning, but specifically not stating it. The meaning and importance of the art should be tangibly felt, but to spell it out would be seen as unintelligent, and evident of a hand unable to truly produce any emotion without merely reciting it like a child reciting their day. To have to state the meaning of the art plainly, or have to have it explained to you, means either the art is a failure or you are a failure.  In other words “show don’t tell”, while not coined in Kesterline, would absolutely be adored as a phrase if not for the fact it’s a little too concise in how it explains it. Story telling, song and dance, sculpture, weaving, painting, theatre, and more, all exist in Kesterline to some extent. It’s a big country, and there are plenty of materials to turn into art. Kesterline also doesn’t really discourage art--not inherently. Art in a demesne is incredibly common, and it is seen as immensely therapeutic. There also isn’t much attempt to largely censor art either. Censoring art isn’t really needed when you can rely on the fact that travel times and resources are scarce enough that you could just discover a controversial artist has died of mysterious causes, instead of trying to make a hubub about it not being allowed. It’s not like it would even put a dent in the population statistics. Books are not dominant as entertainment in Kesterline, due to uneven literacy, even amongst the nobility, but it is quite widespread. There was a huge revolution in the world of books, led by noble women who wanted it to be more accessible. What this resulted in is that now ten new books a year are published and distributed to major cities, and noble women are allowed to submit their works, as opposed to before, where only 1-3 books would be published, based on perceived merit. This has been going on for few years now and has led to books being seen more and more as nothing but erotica (re: there is kissing) and nonsense for women. It has also made it more profitable, and if it keeps course, Kesterline might have its first pulp movement, which could go horribly wrong as if printing became that cheap and accessible, it would be possible for the working class to start getting skin in the game. Oral traditions, as opposed to books, do not often gain much traction in Kesterline, for a variety of reasons. There are some fable-like stories and sayings, but they rarely travel very far. Song and dance is not so easily gatekept, but not for lack of trying. Music by the working class (as stereotyped), is a bit of a gothic-country hybrid, often about stories of the monster in the woods, or raunchy jokes told in music form. The big fancy funded music is often played by live orchestra, often with string based instruments. The record player was a very controversial invention as it was seen as a way to bastardize the purity of music and turn it into a mere, perverse shadow of what it once was.  Dancing is as much of a social etiquette as conversation or eating right, and thus is more of a skill than a way to engage.  There is a new trend, amongst the lower class nobles and the working class in cities, to use record players as an instrument, where there might be a recording of say, a violin solo, that will then be sung over, or even accompanied by live instruments. Some have even taken to taking famous songs (usually recorded in secret), and playing over it, sometimes emphasizing the discordance. Because explicit meaning is for the uncultured, the idea of something that could not be understood at all is slowly becoming the next logical step. It has yet to be fully attacked by those in power, as it’s not seen as a full on movement, and more of a type of vandalism. But of course, that’s because it hasn’t become truly public yet. Theatre is quite similar to song and dance and story telling. Most theatre troupes have a Rites Giver that travels along with them, as acting is one of the most dangerous careers someone can have. Acting and performing is a rare breed of “job”  so to say that’s not really acceptable to be as a noble or as a working class individual, and is one of the only places you might see a truly mixed class environment, which cannot be found anywhere else on Kesterline so systemically. Often with things like music, those in the working class who have a “ chance”  to participate in these things are chisels a rare and specific core. This often results in them apprenticing to a musician, for example. Acting and performance can be full of pillars, and while it will be seen as an absolute waste of a human being, it is simply accepted. Theatre performances in the upper class will often have a narrator and silent actors, who will mime the story as it’s being told. This is seen as healthier, and also, classier. It is sometimes praised as the art of chaos--the actors cannot know what the narrator will say, and the narrator, who is always facing the audience, cannot control the actors. they act in sync, bringing their own power to the performance, in a way that cannot be consistently replicated. This has led to a current trend in the upper class of plays that are only two people on stage--the actor and the narrator, both playing as many roles as possible. Because these are often private, intimate showings, it will sometimes take on very controversial themes and tones, and the single actor is expected to cry or be visibly, emotionally shaken from all the roles they are expected to take on. Afterwards the Rites Giver will come out and embrace the actor and the narrator. Theatre for the working class is often a bit more communal, and might just be the locals putting on a show. Travelling troupes will also tell tales and occasionally share news. Those that exist in the city will often put on adaptations of popular books with the names changed, in order to spread the stories that not everyone can read. Sculpting and weaving, while definitely expressions of art, have not really reached a high point in most of Kesterline. Carving and whittling is a common hobby, and making clothes and blankets pretty are expected and loved, but it is an undervalued labor. The only exception is if one were to weave a tapestry or sculpt a statue, aka something purely for decoration. Both of these are influenced by the trends of painting (Which I will explain shortly), as well as what material is available. Aniline dyes (aka not derived from natural means) exist in Kesterline, but are artificially withheld to create scarcity, and thus most dyes are still derived from natural means. This makes most tapestries still very expensive, or not very vibrant. Sculpting, meanwhile, has gone in a bit of a weird direction--at first they were very vibrantly painted, but many of the paints used were easily accessible to the working class, and worked just as well. As a result the sculptures were painted with colors that were incredibly rare and hard to get Unfortunately, that means that after many decades, those paints are running out, especially since the nobility decided the best place to put statues were outside, with the elements and thus there’s been a move to just have bare statues, with the idea that it’s so perfectly made, there are no flaws to hide with paint. Painting and Portraits have always been popular amongst Kesterline’s elite, but it’s recently gone through two concurrent movements that are only beginning to become passe, as opposed to new and raw. There were two concepts on how best to depict the world, hyper realistic, or more abstract (in this case meaning “not entirely realistic”). Some saw realism as a way to fake experiences, as a shallow representation, and a way to state something too plainly. Others saw more abstract art as full on lies--if someone commissioned a painting and had three pets, and you drew ten, each one large and shaped majestically, that was a lie, one born of irrationality and delusion. The fervor of these debates are a few generations old now, and it is not uncommon for factors of either to play into paintings, sculptures or tapestries. It also helps there is a new art form to cause controversy. Photography is new, amazing, and is slowly spreading across the world. It takes an hour for it to get done, and it has become one of the most debated artistic platforms. It started off with a very positive history--namely, nobles would create elaborate backdrops and attempt to take large, detailed photos of it, some of which they’d even paint over to add color, and it was seen as a new Style of painting. This conflation was quickly lost once people started taking photographs of themselves. Some just classified this as a terrible deed straight out, something to be confessed to a Rites Giver. Others became deeply worried it would capture an individuals miasma and be corrupting to anyone who gazed upon it for years to come. This has previously been a worry with all art, but was seen as more of an issue with the creator than the depicted. Photographs put a living person front and center. There were health scares that someone gazing upon a direct person’s visage would have untold spiritual toll on them, as potentially thousands of individuals would have an effect on their ruminations without their knowledge. For now, due to its long posing time, while a hot new topic, it has yet to truly become a crisis or a phenomenon. It is due to the portability of a photo, that has led to it being able to spread, but it would take a drastic shift in how photos are developed to truly make an impact. Finally, with all these ways to express art, I want to talk briefly on what art actually looks like in Kesterline. It’s often highly individualistic, and the idea of a rich person getting a large portrait of themselves to hang in their house is alive and well. There is both an abundance and a lack of art that expects you to insert yourself into it. An abundance because due to individualist desires and more, most art is created around that assumption. A lack because such a thing would never be spoken outloud, it’s just quietly assumed. Like the emperor wearing no clothes, it is something that does not get spoken, lest the illusion of ethics be shattered.  This is done the same way we sort of see it in the real world. There’s a focus on masculinity, on those in power. The names of the characters and the designs will be distinct, be it in art or theatre or music, but the focus will always rely on those ingrained assumptions of what is Correct to desire and what is not. For instance, noble men are expected t obe the main character of every story, or the centerpiece of most humancentric art. They are the focus because that is the role of men--focus, precision. When there is a challenging of this from nobility, it is often not from the perspective of radical change, but a desire for a piece of the pie. Thus when noble women do get to be front and center, they will often be an ensemble piece of 2-4 women. There are a lot of artistic movements and counter movements in Kesterline, but none rarely hit the actual core problem, and often the ones most likely to succeed, that of noble women who are otherwise perfectly suited for such a society, do not actually fight in such a way to get rid of toxic notions, but instead merely give the roles they hold more power, within the rigid framework they were already defined by. Some are truly radical, but often they do not spread past a certain area. Information moves slowly in Kesterline, and the military can unfortunately teleport.

[brokeandunknownlifestyle]

FANDOM By Waterparks: A Review (by Taylor Dakota)

Back in October, Waterparks released their third album, FANDOM, and I’d be lying to you if I told you it didn’t instantly become one of my favorites after the first listen. Because it did. And with all the songs being exceedingly catchy (including the rip-your-heart-out ones such as “High Definition” and “Never Bloom Again”) and the lyrics raw, honest, and hard-hitting, it’s no wonder why.

FANDOM starts off with "Cherry Red", a track that sounds almost like it belongs on a movie soundtrack rather than a studio album. At only a minute and twenty five seconds long, it's theatrical build up really prepares you for the emotional rollercoaster that is this album. It also has a dramatic outro that brilliantly transitions into track 2, "Watch What Happens Next".

"Watch What Happens Next" is an interesting track, to say the very least. While it has more of a stereotypical pop-punk sound, the lyrics tear into the culture surrounding the genre, or more importantly, the toxicity of it (the irony of this is not lost on me, Awsten Knight, nothing is ever a coincidence here). With lines such as "Hip hop can do what-ever it wants, Like make country songs, And hit number one, And that's fucking awesome, We could never do that, All the fans that like us need an easy fucking format" lead singer Awsten Knight expresses how little creative freedom musicians of the rock world have, particularly in a sub-genre that is so tightly gatekept. And this is by far not the only song on the album that touches on just how toxic fandom culture has become. On track 3, "Dream Boy", Knight sings about the pressure of living up to fan expectations and being built up in people's minds as someone you're not. And it's all covered up under an upbeat, pop sound that makes you wanna dance! And the verses of "I Miss Having Sex But At Least I Don't Wanna Die Anymore" (track 10) are dedicated to calling out fans for asking the same 3 questions over and over, sending death threats, and just generally not caring as much about the artists they listen to as much as they think they do.

Track 10 also directly ties in the other part of this album: the break up part. Because if FANDOM is one half calling out the pernicious tendencies of fans, the other half is grieving a failed relationship. This is honestly first shown in the lyrics of "Cherry Red", but we're brought back to it on track 4, "Easy To Hate" (which is my personal favorite). On this track, Awsten croons about how being with his ex was more trouble than it was worth, and how maybe he should have up-and-left a long time ago.

But the thing about grief is, there are many stages to it (five to be exact) and of those stages anger is a pretty prominent one on FANDOM. "Turbulent" (track 8) is a loud, angry rock song that exposes a lot of the negativity that came from Awsten Knight's previous relationship, both during and after it. Rap-centric "[Reboot]" is your typical slightly-bitter-sorta-petty break up song that takes the time to highlight some of the toxic behaviors of Knight's ex and flat out tell them "I'm too good for you and I deserve to be treated better".

There are four songs where the sad side of grief is so heavy it's almost tangible: self introspective "High Definition" (5), sad and slow acoustic "Never Bloom Again" (9), melancholy yet livid "Worst" (13), and the album closer "I Felt Younger When We Met" (15). "High Definition" laments on the trust issues Knight has experienced since going through all this while "Never Bloom Again" and "I Felt Younger When We Met"  tell of the trouble he is having getting over this person. On "Worst" he touches on his feelings of anger and betrayal for the things that happened to him during his previous relationship.

Another absolutely wonderful thing about this album is how the end of "I Felt Younger When We Met" beautifully loops back into opener "Cherry Red". It really brings the whole thing together and puts a nice finishing touch on it, like a bow on a gift.

In short, if you haven't checked out Waterparks' FANDOM do yourself a favor and go do so now! It is a well-written, genre bending work of art that the rock world needs but perhaps does not (yet) deserve.

[fem-the-power]

Performative Femininity in Lesbianism: a Diary

Zora Neale Hurston wrote ‘the cosmic Zora emerges. I belong to no race and no time.. the eternal feminine with her string of beads.’

I was in my first year of college, and although I’m only now in my second year I feel a lifetime has passed since then. In one year I have travelled light years from the girl sitting in T-shirt and thong on a campus accommodation bed, drinking tea and wondering what sort of journalist she was going to be. Even so, these words have stuck with me.

Hurston was a black woman caught in a white flood of reality. As she described her femininity to me from my American literature reading it struck me how her femininity was constructed so entirely on her terms that it defied the boundaries of society, biology and theoretical physics. Femininity is an idea that comes with a string of beads. Like God she walks down the stairs, hips swaying and disappears. I knew right then that this was the kind of thing I’d been trying to express about fem identity for years.

This is my diary in being fem. It isn’t a grand gesture, but it is a genuine one. Unlike Hurston’s soul-self I am bound by both race and time in how my femininity is expressed: I’m a white Canadian, fem identified lesbian of 2019. The perimeters of ‘fem’ are blurrier than ever, and yet in the butch/fem community narrower and narrower concepts of the idea are being created. Well here’s my take: Fem is for me a vibrancy that sticks to my clothes in bold, bright colours. Fem is body-centric and without shame. Fem is loving demonstration of culture and memory, under the rule of authenticity. It is to me most importantly eternal, and always, a string of beads.

The greatest hope I have for what this might achieve is that it will press the idea that fem identity is a purposeful, creative thing that belongs to lesbian women. Like any true source of creativity it should never be restrictive or gatekept. If I can make this diary more accessible to you in terms of formatting please let me know via inbox.

[mercurialbadger]

To analyze later

There’s 

There’s a bit of a deal with me being a goddamn failure despite being relatively hardworking. The issue, I believe, lies in the inability to finalize my work in a way that matters.

I’ve thought about going to the psychologist, but I’ve done nothing to further my transition as I said I would, and instead spent all my strength on working. So now I feel a ridiculous amount of shame about going to the psychologist?  

But it’s silly, right?! I mean, I have missed the deadlines for nearly every project I’ve tried to do - the more important they are to me, the less effort I could put into it as the deadline was nearing. Nearly every PhD program I looked up had very realistic deadlines I’ve started working towards months before the date. And every single one. I’ve missed. 

Oh, and, I don’t know, it would be very weird to go back to the same doctors that  gatekept me then and say “I’ve made negative progress” and wait for them to not gatekeep me again. 

I don’t know if it’s a mental health issue or if I don’t really want to pursue the goals I’ve set for myself. But, well, since it’s the only kind of goals I have, it should be a mental health issue. 

And I’m not visiting a psychologist because I’m ashamed of myself. 

And, well, shame is one of the most self-destructive emotions in my arsenal, save from self-abuse, verbal and physical.

It feels like the personality I’ve had once has been eroded and there’s nothing left to graft new interests, new connections and new skills on. I’m not even stagnating, I’m just crumbling apart. 

And it’s not like I want to be silent, but the last time I’ve tried to rely on a person for hrlp and audibly made expressions that I’m not okay it ended up in a temporary break-up. Which made things worse for me, but was totally understandable as I was probably insufferable like that. But saying that I’m okay every time starts to feel like a lie, and lying is abhorrent.

I don’t even have much time for visiting a psychologist - my temporary registration in Moscow expires on 30 of June. 

I guess I should try using this at least as some kind of therapy.