#shoutout to my self esteem recently

[the-one-percent-of-germs]

you know life is bad when you feel nostalgic for your dream smp phase 😭😭😭

[wizzroboe]

Hello. Have you watched Guardian of the Moon?

Yeah, actually! I remember watching it around the time it had first come out and really enjoying it. There's been a few times I've wanted to watch it again, but I usually don't like watching movies alone and I can't find anyone else who'd want to watch lol

[twig-tea]

Current Tag Game

Tagged by @waitmyturtles @lurkingshan and @wen-kexing-apologist!

Current Time: 12:27 PM

Current activity: Taking a lunch break from work between back-to-back meetings (during which I sometimes post to tumblr when they are not useful meetings lol).

Currently thinking about: Balancing work stuff with Palestine stuff with Shadow theories! Also trying not to think about medical news I am waiting for....my brain is a stressful place rn.

Current favourite song: So I fell down a TXT FreeFall rabbit hole; fell in love with Skipping Stones, which then led me to the artist who created that song, Hanroro, and am now obsessed with one of her other songs, "Even if you leave,". Her tone, mood, just everything. Obsessed.

Currently reading: These days I only read fanfic and nonfic. Oh and the Batman: Wayne Family Adventures webtoon lolol Shoutout to Yeaka on A03 who (among other things) writes pitch-perfect Ustukushii Kare ficlets that get me through the day; here's the one I read most recently.

Currently watching: lol here we go (in no particular order but semi-ranked in terms of how much space they are taking up in my brain?):

Shadow the Series: binged all 7 eps yesterday, eagerly awaiting the back half!

I Feel You Linger in the Air: finale this week; this one was really hard for me to watch at first due to the the sexual assaults in the first four episodes, but it's a really gorgeous piece of work and I'm glad I stuck with it (I did have a real moment to myself where I thought if this pattern was going to continue I would have to drop it, but luckily it did not keep going). There are a few powerful scenes that I've written about separately that will live rent-free in my head.

Kimi ni wa todokanai / I cannot reach you / won't get through to you: I'm watching this one grey thanks to the incredible sub work by @lurkingteapot (follow @kiminaisubs!) and am absolutely loving it. These are such wonderful characters. It's so interesting to be watching this at the same time as the next one, because the similarities and differences make comparing the two a richer experience watching both!

Kimi to nara koi wo shite mite mo / If it's with you: Amane has rocketed up to one of my favourite characters of all time. Love how the family stuff is integrated into this show. I think I actually like this show more than I cannot reach you, but I've been providing the minimal insight I can into drafts of the subs for the other show so have been thinking about it more.

One Room Angel: very excited for this one, the humour is pitch-perfect and the themes are my cup of tea. I love supernatural stuff, and mysteries especially around supernatural mechanics, and psychology, and self esteem issues. and all that good stuff.

Kinou nani tabeta / What Did You Eat Yesterday?: Love that this show has retained the heart and quality of the previous work. Loving this a lot. It's not higher on the list only because I don't need to think about it a lot, it's SO legible, and so well done.

Mr Cinderella 2: I am having a FANTASTIC time with this show lol it is such a pulp; there is high drama, paranormal elements (rituals and potions), insidious psychological tricks, and really solid relationship writing. This show starts with the main couple together, and shows how they deal with all of these external forces--which works for me in a way it doesn't with Kiseki below because their response as a couple at first is to unite and shore up; they support one another through it. It's when they start trying to handle things on their own (and this is justified by the narrative) that things fall apart.

Kiseki: Dear to Me: Like everyone else, I have fallen in love with Ai Di the murder kitten. I think the mains aren't resonating with me as much because their problems are all external rather than internal, and they keep trying to handle them individually (i.e. without ever working as a couple to face these issues), but they are also very pretty and I appreciate all the lap-sitting.

Absolute Zero: Honestly I now watch this show with annoyance like "What are you doing with this scene, New Siwaj? Why?". The mechanics of the show are still interesting but I am mad at it so I now approach those questions with annoyance rather than interest lol

Venus in the Sky: I liked this one way more than I thought I would; it's miles better than Check Out and far more coherent. It's a decent pulp!

My Universe: I'm a bit behind on this one but mostly caught up now (one story behind); the quality of these stories varies wildly but it's an interesting short story format! I'm keeping track of thoughts for all of the stories and will do a post when I'm done if anyone wants to know which are worth watching (since they all stand alone)

My Dear Gangster Oppa: This just got started; the first episode was pretty! I think it's going to be a solid and enjoyable pulp lol

You Are Mine: This one I am not enjoying. Too much boss-using-his-powers-over-his-subordinate-to-force-proximity-and-not-actually-communicating, and the women pushing this male secretary at his boss as fodder really sits wrong with me.

Dangerous Romance: I have very little sympathy for the rich boy who doesn't think through the consequences of his actions or the people who enable him, and I'm annoyed that the Sailom character we got at the beginning of the series who was self-aware, confident, clever, and had his priorities straight seems to have disappeared. There is no internal consistency in this show.

Taskmaster series 16: I love this dorky show from England lol comedians are given absurd tasks and then are judged; it's got a very strong undertone-turned-overtone of kink, and yet is family-friendly, and I find that fascinating. What a good show lol

Current favourite character: HMMMM. Amane from If It's With You comes first to mind, to be honest. He's gay, he fucks, he has self esteem issues but he's working on them, he's brave enough to be honest to his crush even though he's been burned before, and he asks for what he really wants, and then hold hope that he might actually get it. And his behaviour around his crush is relatably cringe. I LOVE HIM. [@wen-kexing-apologist wrote this before I saw yours but YES, sad boy hiding behind happiness is THE BEST]

Current WIP: I have 4 asks that I have in my drafts that I owe @wen-kexing-apologist, @mynameisnotthepoint (this wasn't really an ask per se but it was an excuse to gush so I'm taking it), @wanderlust-in-my-soul, and @waitmyturtles. I have been working on all of them and do still plan on answering them! I also have a draft re: Hidden Agenda the novel vs the show that I realllllly need to just stop fussing with and post.

Tags: Tagging folks I've chatted with recently! @dribs-and-drabbles @my-rose-tinted-glasses @slayerkitty @neuroticbookworm @lurkingteapot @crowie @visualtaehyun @belladonna-and-the-sweetpeas @sorry-bonebag @thewayurant

[syni-s]

Shoutout to the time my workplace was fucking horrible but I had worse self esteem so I kept working there story.

"Just gonna quickly pop this in here cause I'm pissed as fuck and don't want to forget this.

Quick rundown that I can explain later is:

[S] went on his lunch break so I was at the service desk for a bit. I do not do any servicing work anymore as I can't handle the workload at the same time as warranty stuff the moment, and I am not qualified for it, so I pass then to [S] as he handles it all.

So a customer came in recently who wanted his [Product] taken a look at as it wasn't getting [service]. Recently during the COVID-19 stuff we were no longer offering paid repairs, however [S] seemed to be doing it when I came back so I handled it like normal.

I told the customer the basics and went to get [S] to do the service. As a quick why I would interrupt him during his lunch break, he would do the same to me every time a warranty case came by, and he would constantly yell my name whenever a customer came back for warranty.

As I told [S] to do the servicing, he told me to just get the customer to write their details down for him to contact them after his break (that sentenced was EXTREMELY paraphrased, it was more of a mumble, grumble and irritated spitting at me to "just get customer to write issues I do later"). I went back to the customer to explain that the technician was on his lunch break and he'd have to wait for his stuff to get fixed then. As I was about to tell him to write his details down, [S] came out and yelled at me, in front of the customer, and began angrily lecturing me. He angrily told me where the pages were and to use them to get the customer to write down his details...again.

The customer then got agitated and after I told him it would be $50 to just look at the [Product], he then left. Apparently non-warranty Labor costs don't exist in his mind and he wanted a free inspection. Before he left I said, "when you call a contractor you have to pay a call out fee even if they don't do anything, you can't expect something for nothing."

So, after the customer left I went back to [S] and told him that if he wanted me to not disturb him during his lunch break then he should not do it to me either. He didn't respond, so I said , "okay?".

[S] then proceeded to lose his shit at me and started yelling at me about the whole thing. So I yelled "Fuck you" back at him, flipped him the bird, and walked away as he continued to yell at me.

[Boss] came around and listened to [S] as he complained about me in [Language I don't speak]. [B] didn't handle our complaints about eachother and instead just inquired me about the customer and what was happening there.

[B] then tried to explain to me what to do from now on regarding repair services and to not do them at all as we weren't. Only [S] will handle repairs if he wants to do them.

I told [B] that my problem was not with this but with [S], and that from the moment I have started working at [Business], [S] has always been incredibly rude and disrespectful to not only me, but to every passing customer that he deals with and I have no idea how he still works here. [B] changed the subject back to procedure.

[S], after the fact proceeded to complain again and try to lecture me again on warranties. Before the whole incident, I had left an [Brand] warranty on his desk as he would always always handle them. He turned around and said, "I do no warranty" as he noticed the [Brand] thing there and tried to lecture me on the subject of warranty. Then after about 2 minutes he got mad and told me about it again because I hadn't gone over to him and taken it away from him. I replied, "I'm sorry I haven't walked the 1 metre over there to pick it up (sarcastically), I have other things to do."

A little bit later when I received a replacement [Product] from [Supplier] that had no documentation on it other than "[S]" on the warranty paper, I placed the [Product] on [S]'s desk (not extremely hard but enough for it to make a soft 'clunk' sound as it hits the table) and he started screaming at me not to do it that hard and that I damaged the [Product] by 'dropping' it on the table.

[S] continued after that to continuously talk under his breath, and talk loudly in [Language I don't speak] around me, popping in "warranty" and "[myName]" in his sentences.

[R], who the previous day complained about [P] and I chit-chatting together every now and then while in the front warehouse area then proceeded to join [S] in talking to eachother next to me trying to do warranty work, which he does every single day.

[B], shortly after the whole situation had been mildly defused, came up to me while I was at the warranty shelf and said, "can you read this?" and proceeded to lift a note to me which says, "I always support you".

This coming from the guy who I recently found out had been quite consciously taking advantage of me as an employee in multiple infractions on Australian Federal Fair Working laws, was quite frankly, extremely insulting."

[voidwaren]

1. Shoutout to the ADHD thing, I was lucky enough to get diagnosed as a young child but recently my mothers been starting to wonder if she has it and feels like now is too late to get a diagnosis

2. Champagne Problems baseball scene when?

1. NEVER TOO LATE, ANON’S MOM. especially if it means you can look up what other people do when faced with something you’re having trouble with, among other things. sometimes it’s just nice on the self-esteem to know.

2. I am now thinking about a baseball scene that did not exist in my intentions previously, thank you anon.

[frillshark-fr]

How do you get people to always buy your dragons? Genuine question

i was gonna say something like “haha i have no fucking clue” but that would be a lie i think about this a lot actually so i might have some insights i’ve been breeding dragons as my primary activity on FR since i started playing FR (in 2014...) and people have only started actually buying dragons from me consistently like, 5-6 months ago, despite 2-3 attempts at running a genuine hatchery onsite that always died due to lack of interest & not really being worth the effort. 

so ive thought a lot about what the hell is happening now and why my dragons are suddenly consistently selling and I think ive come down to these being the main points of advice i can give: 1. make friends! be friendly! don’t be weird! be a cool and fun person to interact with! 2. post consistently. post your dragons consistently. post about other stuff consistently. just be an active member of the community 3. POST YOUR SHIT IN THE “#FLIGHT RISING” TAG. THIS IS PROBABLY THE ONLY TRUELY HELPFUL THING I SAY IN THIS POST 4. make pairs that are sexy as hell and be openly proud of them. make dragons and pairs that you like, not what you think will necessarily sell. people can tell when you like stuff and being genuinely passionate about something, whatever the fuck it is, will get other people passionate as well longer versions/explanations under the cut because man this got a mile long. i wasn’t kidding when i said i think about this a lot and i am so sorry if you wanted something concise and useful

1. to be a little glib. i am mutuals/friends with more clout in the FR community than I do kjdshfdsfdhjhkfdf shoutout to everyone who draws their dragons really good on a regular basis because i am riding on your coattails to sell my dragons. i love you this was never my intent, obviously! DO NOT BEFRIEND PEOPLE BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU WILL GET STUFF FROM THEM IT’S JUST A REALLY BAD THING TO DO TO PEOPLE!!! i wouldn’t be friends w/ people if i didn’t genuinely like and get along with them! no amount of pixel cash is worth putting up with people you dont like or abusing people you admire!  but i’d also somehow feel wrong to just... neglect mentioning this factor. idk it’s probably a self-esteem thing sjdkgfhdsf i just Don’t feel like my #success has been totally out of my own effort because its not like im #hustling or whatever i just posted dragons and stuff happened

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2. being consistent! just. posting consistently! posting Every Hatchling I Have and Talking About Them On Tumblr!  Once I had a couple nests just sell super fast likely due to aforementioned clout, i was emboldened to just post more of my nests more often and I swear this has more effect than anything else. i just needed the self-esteem boost to Start Doing That posting consistently makes ppl follow u for ur content which gets even more people to look at your dragons which gets more people to buy your dragons.

-

2a. Also just post a lot in general, even if you aren’t necessarily posting about your dragons for sale. it definitely helps! just be friendly and active and people will come

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3. post your shit in the tag. not in “#dragon-sales” or “#fr-dragon-sales” or anything weird like that because I don’t know if anyone actually looks at those, but people definitely browse “#flight rising”. no matter how many followers you have, more people will see your content if you post it in #flight rising than if you just chuck it into the void. 

-

3a. however! do not put links into the post if you want it to actually show up in the tag. tumblr is cool in that it doesn’t actually matter that much when you post something, the same way it really matters on twitter bc twitter has algorithms that decide for you what it thinks you want to be seeing whereas tumblr just shows you everything in chronological order. if you post something into the tag at 1am... it will still be there at 2pm when people log on and start scrolling.

the only thing tumblr seems to consistently hide from a tag (and possibly a dashboard, but idk) are posts with links in them, as a half-assed attempt to limit spam. instead of linking to your sales tab/to the dragons directly in the post, reblog it with the links instead. to reduce latency between a post going up and the links being available, i type out the links in the initial post, cut them, post the thing into the tag, then very quickly reblog, paste the links, and post the reblog jdhfsdf. i don’t know if that benefits anything really? but it can sometimes take me a while to type links, so if i posted, pressed reblog, typed up all the links, then posted, it’d be like ~15 minutes where someone may see the post, think “oh i would like to buy those dragons”, then can’t find the link, think “oh well, i will just find it later”, scroll on, and just... completely forget about it. so uh. go quick?

-

3b. the armchair sociologist in me also thinks self-reblogging has the added benefit of like... you know how people are more likely to tip a barista when a dollar is already in the tip jar? or how people are more likely to take one of those little tabs on a flyer if one of them is already missing? i think that works with notes, too. i don’t know why i think that or why it happens i just swear once a post gets 1 note, suddenly it gets Even More Notes, and if it doesn’t get any notes for a while it will sit at 0 notes until the end of time. so giving yourself 1 obligatory note makes people more likely to interact. i think

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4. all of these are hard to quantify but this one is especially so: have cool and unique dragons. make your pairs sexy as hell. don’t put all your eggs (hah) into the one basket of selling dragons that are technically “popular”. we have all seen triple white/triple obsidian/triple orca/triple any other popular colors and cherub/pere/stained or wasp/bee/glim pthahlos or whatever. they’re pretty! we get it! but everyone has had one and everyone has had those pairs and market for dragons like that can be super oversaturated. try to break free from that and sell dragons that people can only get from you. I can’t tell you what to do though bc that rly depends on you. make pairs that you find exciting or interesting and people will feel that. i have a very specific theme and aesthetic that i don’t feel like is especially common on FR and i am genuinely very enthusiastic about it. marine shit is my Thing:tm: both on and off FR and dragons are one of my many ways of expressing that   if you have a Thing:tm:, either some fr-centric aesthetic (like being super into plague or earth or light or something) or something more general (such as any of the -punks or -cores)... just fuckin roll with it honestly. if you’re goth? make got h dragons. like scene stuff that looks straight out of a middle school in 2010? rock that hot-topic lair. outdoorsey type? make dragons that look like you’d meet them on a hike in the woods. it really works with anything!  people can tell when you really love something and i know that seeing someone really love something, even if it’s not necessarily MY thing, makes me really excited too!! 

-

4a. never show fear. people can smell fear. never be like “well this one isn’t that good” because suddenly now you’ve planted the idea that it’s ugly in other people’s heads when they may have really liked it had you not accidentally suggested to them that it’s an ugly dragon. people are EXTREMELY suggestible to even VERY minor cues so be always a little bit bolder than you think you should be you’d be surprised at how many times ive been like “eh, this one’s kind of a dud, i’ll probably have to exalt this one when the auction expires” and then that hatchling is the first to sell. never ever ever ever decide what other people like for them. always act like your dragons are the hottest shit in all the land and Believe It. this is what people mean when they say “fake it till you make it”

- 4b. also, idk if it’s true of everyone but it’s really off-putting to see someone having serious pity-parties for themselves, on sales posts or otherwise. ive had bad experiences with people who are uncomfortably quick to self-depreciate (because they were using their genuine self-hatred to manipulate me or my friends), so i might be a little more trigger-happy about avoiding this behavior than others, but don’t weaponize your sadness to guilt people into doing what you want. it’s really not cool.

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okay i think that’s my entire manifesto on how i do dragon selling. anon i am so sorry im sure you were expecting like “believe in yourself :)” and here i am dissecting dragon selling like it’s a frog in a science class

edit: AFTER ALL THAT I STILL THOUGHT OF ONE MORE THING. It’s not really a Point, just a Reminder:

i don’t post about all the times i have to exalt dragons that don’t sell. you are seeing me being very selective about what i post. you dont sit and stare at my lair or click through offspring lists or check old sales posts. there are a lot of times where someone just doesn’t sell. even now when i’m selling stuff pretty consistently i will still sometimes have dragons that don’t sell for seemingly no reason. even dragons I think are sure to sell will sometimes just... not. and that’s ok! you gotta just be.. ok with that. it’s par for the course. i typically list dragons for 7 days on the AH, give them a couple more days after their auction expires (partially because i forget, partially to give them a grace period for people to pm/ask me about them), and then exalt them after that point. w/ some dragons that i don’t think got a fair shake for one reason or another (such as the sales post not showing up in the tag or something) i do a little clearance (like the halloween dragons i recently posted) but for the most part if they don’t sell, i just exalt them. 90% of the time i don’t even bother to level them up i just press the exalt button and call it a day. it’s fine

[nairbsmusicjunk]

music_stuff(1).txt

<7/20/2020>

     This marks the very beginning of my “music_stuff.txt” blog. I’m writing this as a sort of timeline of my music career. I’ve recently started taking this much more seriously, and after talking to others, I’ve learned that just because I’m just a normal guy doing things he likes doing doesn’t exactly mean that people can’t learn something from it. Plus, stories are always nice to read and/or listen to, so why not document things? Someone is bound to find it interesting.

     I’ve been producing for about a year now, starting on a free DAW called “LMMS”, and later on (October of 2019) saved up money to buy myself a new laptop and, more importantly, “Ableton Live”. Ever since I bought it, I’ve been absolutely in love with producing not just music, but samples as well. I’ve revamped my personal sample library several times, but after a year of experimenting and seeing what sounds like what, I can comfortably say that I can make a pretty good sample if given an hour or so (I ADORE kick drums).

     In the past year or so, I can’t exactly recall all that has happened, since so much can happen in a year. So, surprise surprise, this blog post will serve as a recollection of things that have happened in the first year of my music career. Quite honestly, I hope you can take something from this. I’d love to know that I’ve taken the interest or a spot of inspiration for someone.

-----

     In August of 2019, I started to take a deeper look into music production. Armed with my awful laptop with 4GB of RAM and my “LMMS” DAW, I was determined to be able to indulge myself in the craft that has had such an incredible impact in my personal life. As a beginner, the interior of LMMS didn’t really make much sense to me. I didn’t know what a plugin was, or what FX were and what they did, or how to make samples, let alone snatch them online somewhere. So, I decided to learn with the only method I knew: patience and time. In the two or so months that I used LMMS (I purchased Ableton Live later on in October), I made a track that saw the light of day for about a week, later to find it, take it off the face of the internet and lock it away because it is absolutely one of the WORST pieces of music I’ve ever heard. And I don’t mean that in the “I have no self-esteem and nothing I make is good” way, either. The best example I can give off the top of my head is that I wrote the song in 4/4, and it sounds like its written in 3/4. I don’t know how I managed to do that, but that’s not even counting the fact that there were no FX at all, no EQ, no filters, no ANYTHING. I had no idea what I was doing, but you know what? That was some of the most fun I’d had in a long time.

     As my interest in music grew, so did my taste. Over the course of a month or so, I saved up a fat wad of cash to be able to purchase Ableton Live Standard, a laptop with 8GB or RAM, and putting myself on Splice’s rent-to-own system to pay off Serum over the course of 19 months. When I sat down with all of my new belongings, I never put them back down. I was a senior in high school when this happened, so as such, I stopped paying attention as much in class, sometimes call in sick to school and work, avoid social spaces, all in the name of being able to sit in front of my laptop and explore my creative freedom. As others around me would describe it: “It’s as if [I’m] in another world.” And they were absolutely correct. I really was.

Here’s a big leap for you: April of 2020. This is when I decided to start taking production more seriously. Over the months prior, I had collected more gear for my ever expanding arsenal. An audio interface, a MIDI controller, a sequencer, and even an actual synthesizer; the Korg MS-20 Mini. This doesn’t even span the massive amount of plugins I had acquired as well, such as Massive, Iris 2, and various different FX plugins (shoutout Plugin Boutique). Surely I could make something that was quite good with the resources I had, right? Obviously. Anyone can make anything out of anything. So, after spitballing dozens and dozens of ideas, I finally released my first song that remains up to this day: “Euphoria”. It was titled as such because it was the first song that I had made with EQ, various different FX, varying filter cutoffs- but most importantly, it sounded good, which is the part that matters the most. To me it sounded professional, and all it really needed was some exposure, and maybe it would get some views, right? At the time of me writing this blog post, I released that song nearly 2 months ago. And it has a grand total of: 4 views. The real world equivalent: absolutely nothing. My equivalent? Absolutely outstanding! People listened to my music (some of my friends), and they enjoyed it! That was the coolest feeling I had ever felt, and I mean that sincerely. I’ve also posted a song titled “Bedroom Arcadia” about a month ago, and it accumulated 10 views. Again, to most that means absolutely nothing, but it means something to me, and thats what matters, I think. Because with this feeling of satisfaction, I’ll keep making music, and eventually find ways to make it reach far out in the world, so that hopefully someday everyone in the world could have heard at least one of my tracks, even if they don’t know that it was me that produced it. It sounds childish, I know, but its my dream.

I’ll include links to my songs at the bottom of this post. These are my two first official pieces of work, and I have a long journey ahead of me. Hell, right now I’m in the process of making an EP. And with that said, your pretty much caught up to speed. I play around with synths, make music, samples, and things like that. But yeah, that’s about it, really. I hope you’ve found some sort of entertainment in reading this, and I hope your future is wonderful. ^-^

https://soundcloud.com/nairbb/bedroom-arcadia

https://soundcloud.com/nairbb/euphoria

[heoneyology]

yes hello I’ve returned from the dead momentarily to tell everyone that they absolutely need to watch My ID Is Gangnam Beauty if they aren’t already. tbh I haven’t been this excited about a drama in years, and I’m so glad that this is the drama that’s caught my interest after so long.

Gangnam Beauty touches on so many important topics, such as bullying, self esteem, sexism, feminism, and most importantly, as the name implies, standards of beauty. I’m so proud of this drama because it’s touching on a taboo topic that, while plastic surgery is frowned upon everywhere, seems to be highly frowned upon in South Korea. I feel like in America it’s a little more acceptable to have work done, or at least not highly disfavored... but as soon as an idol, actor/actress, or normal person has work done in SK, there’s a copious amount of bashing that follows suit.

I just really appreciate that the producers turned this webtoon into a drama and are touching on such a serious topic with a lighthearted, yet serious, approach. everything they’re throwing in to teach the audience is important, but most importantly I think it’s amazing that they’re touching on such a controversial topic such as outer vs inner beauty. (side note, shoutout to the producers for never showing young Mirae’s face and setting up the standards of what “ugly” should be).

there’s so much sexism and so many double standards in the drama, too. all of which float around these ridiculous standards of beauty and what a “woman’s place” in society should be. like... all these guys that expect women to look a certain way, act a certain way, eat a certain amount, and then become offended when those same women stand up for themselves or call them out on their shit?

on the other hand but on that topic, there’s Kyungseok and Wooyoung. Kyungseok is a person who judges on inner beauty rather than outer, and Wooyoung is obviously drawn to outer beauty but grows to appreciate inner beauty, as well. while they both have a lot of respect for the female characters and women overall, we see that they each have their own growing to do, as well. Wooyoung is a pretty perfect person, overall, but recently he made the comment to Mirae along the lines of, “so what if you had work done? If you’re pretty now, what does it matter?” which, despite his overall good intentions and character, is a bit insensitive. of course as he comes to know Mirae you can tell he’s appreciating her as a person. meanwhile as perfect as Kyungseok is for calling people out on their shit, their treatment of others, and the girls’ (especially Soo Ah’s) cattiness throughout the drama, he’s not perfect, either. in one of the very first episodes he makes a point to stop drunk Mirae from leaving with Wooyoung, and although it acts as a catalyst to the love triangle -- and although Kyungseok had good intentions, “what are you planning on doing leaving with a girl who’s drunk?” -- Wooyoung makes a good point when they’re all caught up grabbing each other’s wrists that what he is doing can be considered violence. this is a typical kdrama romance trope, and although it’s typically seen as “romantic”, Wooyoung calls it out for what it is -- and Mirae makes a point to tell Kyungseok that she never gave him permission to grab her.

and of course there’s the main character, Mirae. I love her so much!! I love that while Mirae has very low self esteem, we see her grow throughout each episode. every episode she learns something new about others and herself. yes, she has low self esteem, and yes we see it cause her to put herself at a lower level of importance than others. but she’s slowly starting to stand up for herself. at first she comes off as a bit of a pushover, but she’s been bullied all her life, and that’s not something you easily rebound from. especially because she’s always been bullied about her appearance, and the way other people have seen beauty is ingrained so much in her mind that she rates other people’s appearance as a habit. and Kyungseok, ever-blunt and straightforward, calls her out on it... and she learns. she starts to catch herself when she does this, and fix it, and lately we haven’t seen her do it at all!! she’s growing so much. I know there have been other things that have pushed Mirae but Kyungseok is definitely one of the factors that has led Mirae to realize that she’s a person with thoughts, feelings, and a voice; and no matter what, she should stand up for herself. I’m so proud of her in this week’s episodes for finally standing up to Soo Ah. and previously, her former crush and bully! the producers could have easily turned that into the typical damsel in distress trope, with Kyungseok not far off and clearly overhearing what was happening, but Mirae stood up for herself. and I thought her low self esteem would cause her to back down to Soo Ah’s blunt and bitchy confession this week... but this girl, with her heart of gold who admitted she thought she may have misjudged Soo Ah, is about to give her a piece of her mind. and I’m behind Mirae 100% of the way for it!!!!

sorry for rambling but I just really love this drama so far and it touches on so many important topics, like I said, but in a heartfelt and lighter way! it’s not perfect but it’s presenting so many things and bringing forth these topics in an approachable way that I just am very appreciative of. the producers are doing amazing and I really recommend Gangnam Beauty to everyone. I could cry because it’s so good!

[wildixia]

Tagged by @for-lack-of-a-better-world <3<3 Thank you!!!! 

Rules: Once you get this, you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly. Then you have to send this to ten of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool~) 🌈🌈

Oh boy...

This is actually kind of hard to do! But I’ve been trying to be more positive about myself lately so here we go. 

1. I’m proud to be bi! I struggled with that for over a decade and finally accepted it and came out to - almost - everyone recently. (Shoutout to my conservative, republican dad, I’ll tell you eventually) As no surprise to anyone, repressing yourself feels bad and acceptance feels way better.

2. I don’t think I’ve ever thought this before, but I actually like how my body looks these days. I was overweight as a kid (thanks to hypothyroidism, what a sneaky bitch) and getting bullied over it gave me severe self-esteem and body issues. I lost the weight, but then slowly put it back on over the last 5 years, but as of last year at the heaviest I had ever been, I said fuck it and worked really hard to build muscle and get fit. I’ve lost 30 pounds and feel a lot stronger now. 

(Confession: Yuuri from YOI doing his workout montage to get his skater body back inspired me to do that first workout session and later go ice skating as a way to exercise, yes I’m that extra)

3. I’m only 5′ tall and like being on the shorter side, I fit in airplanes really well.

4. I like my optimism. I always try to see the bright side of something and stay positive, otherwise I’d be a total mess. 

5. I feel like I’m a good friend. I try to be very supportive, loving and someone my friends can go to when they need to vent, cry, laugh or just laze around with. I’ve always been the mama bear of the group. 

Pulling a tagging loophole because all of my followers are my favorite followers! *crowd boos at the sap* So if you want to celebrate your own positivity, you’ve been officially tagged. ;) 

[35709]

Jetlag Chronicles Vol 1

Just recently got back from an overseas trip and my body is still in a different time zone sooo let's go thru things rattling around in my head one by one 1) Christianity I don't think there's any value in me maintaining this label anymore. Simply put, I hold too many beliefs that are counter to what the Church (capital C) believes. Abortion, LGBTQ+ and some sex-related views to name a few. Another thing that gets me is the divisions. Presbyterians, Catholics, Calvinists, Lutherans, Mennonites, Pentecostals, the list goes on and on. Every division, every sect, every group believes they are correct and are truly saved. Even within the umbrella of the Cross there is no unity. Different interpretations, different teaching, different nuances, different ways of life. How can anyone suppose this as truth? Is everyone else just an uninformed moron then? Really stuck on this and it's just the tip of the iceberg of issues I've got with the faith. Ironically it's my Christian therapist that (unknowingly) helped me confront and acknowledge all the self contradicting messages in the faith. Life's hilarious eh? 2) Identity Based on what y'all read for 1) I'm about to lose a whoooole lotta friends. I'm not sure how much longer I'll have to keep up the pretense for and I'm not sure how much longer I can. But for the longest time I've defined myself by my Christian faith, surrounded myself by others who do the same and made a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to not get close to anyone that was not a follower of Jesus. F-u-c-k-e-d. So now when my world inevitably crashes around me and my parents and Christian friend bubble find out it's gonna be a pain. Family will want to "pray for me" that I find my way back or some bullshit and friends will be surprised and pretend to care, offering their love and support that's been missing all this while. Ain't it curious how these homies are only around to pick you up but never to walk with you? Sounds like emotional manipulation to me. 3) K-I-S-S-I-N-G Which brings me to my third point. Looooovveeee. This really cheeses me as I thought I was finally ready to start dating. Finally. Sorted out money problems thru budgeting and investing (shoutout to Mint). Sorted out (or rather learned to mitigate and overcome) mental issues, depression, low self esteem etc via therapy. Sorted out physical problems via lots of flexibility training. Even family shit is finally sorted too and it's no longer a huge hassle being home. And just when I think I've got the chaos under control and I'm good to introduce someone to all of me, good bad and ugly, my foundation crumbles. Back into chaos we go. So that's that. I'll be back here to post updates on trying to slowly redefine myself because whoever I am now and whoever I become, that guy is definitely not a Christian, let alone a religious man. Maybe I'll be one of those "spiritual not religious" types, maybe I'll be a humanist. Maybe I won't define myself by any faith at all. Iunno. We'll see where it goes. Thanks for reading :) Keep it 3//5

[gyoomie]

30 day otp challenge bonus: relationship hcs / comments under the cut

lenrin

by far the easiest to write - which comes as no surprise considering ive been writing for this ship since 2014 (lol)

their dynamic in a nutshell is ‘exasperated but fond’. a lot of their dialogue is snarky and deadpan and they rip into each other so much that no one really believes theyre dating

'damn him’ / ‘damn her’ is a play on the ‘damn u len’ meme, but honestly, look me in the eye and tell me u dont wanna damn them to hell sometimes,

fav drabble: day 21 / least fav drabble: day 16

kaimei

somehow every time i write them i struggle, why,

trust is a central theme to their relationship - kaito trusts everyone to a ridiculous degree; meiko looks like she trusts you but in reality shes probably thinking of ways to do it on her own. she gets better with time

kaito rarely has Opinions so most of the drabbles from his pov are focussed on meiko and how pretty she is and how loveable she is and h

also shoutout to @askkaimei bc when i first saw their passion and drive for kaimei back in 2014 it really made me love / appreciate this ship a hell lot more///

fav drabble: day 17 / least fav drabble: day 7

iayukari

probably the hardest to write out of all the ships (but the end results dont reflect my pain at all omg)

ia has self-esteem issues that actively affect the way she interacts + perceives her relationship with yukari. yukari is easygoing and tries to coax ia into believing in herself a lil more but even she gets tired sometimes

both of them are kinda spacey in their own ways?? yukari is quirky-spacey and ia is head-in-the-clouds-spacey, but they do work well together lmao

fav drabble: day 8 / least fav drabble: day 13

gumimiku

a decent ship to write - sometimes i have problems and sometimes i dont. i mostly blame / thank @sugakiyoko​ for introducing me to this ship back in 2015

chillest couple by a landslide. mikus energy (and secret wisdom beyond her age) is balanced out by gumis laidback attitude (and rare moments of insecurity)

surprisingly kinky - no one expects it. straight out of left field. len has probably walked in on them once or twice; it gets worse with each accident and he screams into oblivion every single time

fav drabble: day 4 / least fav drabble: day 9

fukaseruby

one of my most recent ships so the enthusiasm for writing is stronk with this one

generally a chill couple until ruby loses her shit. also the most innocent of all - ruby is a lot more naive than she looks; fukase Vaguely Knows but isnt interested in the slightest (unless ruby is involved)

honestly the sheer number of bad jokes in the drabbles is just. inexcusable. horrendous. cringeworthy. but i enjoy a lot of garbage things and cheesy humour is def one of them dhkdfskfs

fav drabble: day 30 / least fav drabble: day 20

aaand thats it!! thanks for reading my rambles |ω･`)っ

[i-ndie-r-ockers]

okay so big SHOUTOUT to @the_southern_yogi for always inspiring me to glow and thrive. she posted a quote recently that literally caught my attention immediately "Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing it's a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands" -Brene Brown This spoke to me on such a higher level due to the fact that i have struggled my whole life with an eating disorder, body imagine, self esteem, confidence, self-love and how i took the reaction of people and turn it into how i looked or acted. I faked a smile for so long, hid behind baggy clothes and self hate for too long. recently i have learned that in order to be truly happy, you need to look for everything you want and need in YOURSELF first before taking other people's opinions and comments to heart. there is nothing that inspires me more than the women that outshine the rude comments about body image, especially through yoga. what i post now is an expression of self worth and love since you wouldn't catch me in anything less than pants and a tshirt two years ago. judgement is blocked by my smile now . . . #yogi #selfWORTH SHOUTOUT to the girls in my life that keep me going! @the_southern_yogi @katyaelisehenry @emelymroman

[ber-bonfamille-lyons]

RP Questionnaire

in which lauryl rambles about all things rp (tw for incomplete sentences, odd punctuation, etc.)

Name: Lauryl Characters: leave me alone (ber, kiara, hades, mel, chester, milla, milo, nala, kiki, prince, pongo/paul, anita) Pick a thread from the past six months that you’re proud of and talk about why.

The Journey of Kiki Takayama: I loved this thread because it highlighted my bby Kiki! I’m really proud of Kiki’s character and her journey, both literal in this case and in the development~ way. I’ve been really poking at Kiki’s self-esteem issues, her pervasive depression, and I think this thread really brings a lot of those threads, and other threads, together. Like, the fact she brings Howl back to her by singing and dancing with the earworm she’d made for Patty (this sentence is nonsense to anyone who doesn’t know what I’m talking about). Like, that felt so natural to me-- that I could use her friendship with Patty, her earworwm thread with Hiro, and her history with Howl dancin’ to karaoke, to produce what I thought was this really silly-yet-serious-and-kinda-beautiful moment. To me, it was just very dynamic, and I’m proud.

Chester’s arc: I’m also really proud that I finally got to PULL THIS OFF AFTER SO LONG. I loved the pace of it overall, and Chloe really provided a lot of emotional depth by bringing Mitte along. Even though these two are ridiculous and full of hijinks, that question “What do these two mean to each other?” still followed them from para to para. And Mitte’s loyalty to Chester (or to chaos) has really solidified this strange friendship and helped launch the second part of this plot. Thus, this arc ran the gamut: light and ridiculous, serious and dark, tragic and comic.

Identify a challenge you’ve faced in this rp. Reflect on why this is a challenge for you. Are there any strategies you can develop to overcome this challenge?

Taking on too much hahahha: this is definitely my biggest challenge and even extends to the outside writing that I do. I’m an Idea Man. I’m a conceptual, out of the box, daydreamer-of-an-rper, who develops everything like, very top down, very chronic-plot-heavy, very BIG STAKES!! So usually every character has a Big Arc and I get really excited about these very big plots-- annnnnd then i have 13 very big plots and no way to balance them all along with all the plots i want to get involved in with the REST of the rp that kinda fall into my lap and i’m like omfg ahhhhhh.

What happens naturally is I prioritize characters over others. Ber, Hades, and Mel are my big kahunas who i do the most with. Chester’s gotten his time in the sunshine finally, god bless, and to a good extent, Kiki too. And Rajah got a lot of good stuff. But there are some babies that I haven’t done a lot of those Big things for. Milo for example lawd, MILO. I finally have this mummy plot but i’ve been trying to do more cave/merlin stuff for over a year now. I also wanna do so much MORE with Prince and with Nala and Paul, but they always get pushed to the side. Even the characters that I do more with get pushed to the side-- hi Hades !!

So how do I fix this? I mean, I can really prioritize, I can create schedules and hard deadlines that map out my plots for myself and keep me on track….buuuut if we’re honest rp is a collaborative hobby and hard deadlines are often soft, malleable deadlines.

I can also just, not plan as much and focus on more acute plots. Or: not have as many characters.

Gasp.

I know, someone needed to say it though. Also I could be a total hypocrite on this point because as we speak I have little plot seedlings growing jungles in my head. But something’s got to give. And so this is not a very clear answer but I think it’s sort of a combination of me being serious with my deadlines (or at least structure out plots the way we are doing on this questionnaire) instead of keeping all those Big big big plots in my head. I can also do less threads. The other part? Finishing off character’s arcs and letting them go, my darlings, so I can free up a lil more space for others. I did that with Rajah recently because I’d accomplished the biggest goals I had for him and soon I’ll be letting go of Chester and Milla too for the same reasons-- I’m closing up their stories. Course, I’ll probably pick up NEW characters like the hypocrite I am, but the point is: it’s good to know when to let your babies go, and I want to be the first person to encourage people to see their characters through to whatever end there is. 

Pick one of your characters and talk about their growth (we recommend choosing an older character, but it’s up to you! ) What about their story has surprised you? What are you proud of? How have they changed from their original inception to now?

Milla: When I first got Milla, I wanted a capital-v Villain and I wanted to use her for plot purposes mostly. I was fine with just being a tool in other people’s plots in other words, and I didn’t expect Milla to go anywhere. But Milla has surprised me, and it’s all due to the people who have drawn out new sides of Milla that I only suspected lay dormant. I love that I have both my daughters and an Ella (and gosh, I love that Bee was up for having Ella have this contentious relationship with Milla that was out of the house but still very much a “trap” of sorts, just a more modern day trap, ala money). I love her deliciously evil relationship with Taka.  I love that she’s gotten to be a lawyer for Gaston and other villains. I love that she’s become this dominatrix character with Flynn.  She’s still very set in her ways now, but finding how she became set in those ways through these interactions is some of the most interesting, different RPing I get to do. I love that how she twists her definition of mother on its head, I love that she is honestly so weary and lonely, I love that she has accepted a lot of that if only because of her age. I’m really proud of the depth I’ve achieved with her, so much so that I can write a terrible post and fully sympathize with her anyway. In fact...part of me honestly roots for her, and I think that’s how you should wanna feel for your villains, even if, at the end of the day, you know they must be thwarted.

Pick another character and talk a little about where you WANT them to go. What are your plans for them for the rest of the year?

The Great Prince: Eeeee, my son. The Prince has always been a very distinctive voice for me and a much different story than many of my characters. Like Milla, he’s older, and in some ways a lot of his development is in backstory, which involves a fair amount of “uncovering” as I write. But unlike Milla, I fully intend Great Prince to grow and he’s doing so already. He’s blurring the lines between the forest and the town and sort of fully embracing the liminal aspects of his being. Like, yes, he’ll never really be a normal human, but he is still human; and yes, he might not be a true animal of the forest, but it’s still his home, and he wants to share it with people in a way he’s never really gotten to do.

I’m looking forward to forging stronger relationships with those he has already formed bonds with: Soleil, Bambi, Ella, etc. I would love to get more fairy relationships for him actually because I haven’t done a lot with that though I imagine Prince was raised by the fairies a lot more than he was his Father Prince, so I’d love to explore that dynamic. Send me ur fairies!!

I’m also looking forward to trying to do more forest plotty stuff. Maybe I can do this with Bambi if Bambi ends up embracing his powers more but I could also do this with FAIRIES if I do make more fairy friends!!

I also really want the Prince to start wrestling more concretely with the toxic rules he was raised under. I want him to realize he can change tradition, that the rules he hates don’t have to be the rules. As his relationships develop with key characters, I think the Prince will come in conflict with those rules (or I hope so) rather naturally.

AND finally, wow so long, I see the Prince mourning and letting go of Willow, finally. His memories of her have been the only really good ones in his life, so as he gets more good memories and makes relationships, he’ll be able to put Willow to rest for himself. Maaaaaaaybe, just maybe, he miiiight even let himself fall in love again (and that will help him wrestle with those toxic rules I was just talking about :D) 

IF YOU DID THE LAST QUESTIONNAIRE: Alright, now pick an item from the Wishlist you completed in January that you’ve started to pursue. How far are you from completing this goal? Talk about the steps you took to make it happen.

Well, I made Chester’s entire arc happen! And it’s still kinda happening. It took a LOT of organizing on my part, and I sort of followed the same format as the mock plot included in this questionnaire. I plotted out paras and made sure I knew what partners I had to contact to help me. The London plot was all Mitte/Chloe, so that was very straightforward, though I should note I had to do a lot of one-shot writing because important events took place with just Chester.

Also moving forward, organizing the demon haunting threads has been a real fun challenge, because it’s such a weird animal. I’m lucky to have such enthusiastic partners who are willing to try this strange format with me, so shoutout to Sam who was instrumental in that, and to J and Pet for playing along. Also just Pet and MK in general for doing chatzies with me and staying patient. AND one last shoutout to Marina for freezing Anita’s heart! It’s been really refreshing for me to RP her and I love what it did for the plot overall.  IF YOU DID THE LAST QUESTIONNAIRE: Pick another item on your wishlist that hasn’t happened yet. We’re gonna do a MOCK-PLOT!!!

Great Prince + Forest stuff! Like I mentioned, I’d love to get a sideplot going with some of the forest natives sooo I’m literally pulling this outta my ass, check it:

Great Prince introduces Bambi to the Stone Trolls, during which the Stone Trolls complain about the Gummis

Therefore

Great Prince visits Gummis with Clarion for negotiations

But

Negotiations break down and the Stone Trolls kidnap someone (Soleil, Ella, Bambi) for ransom

Therefore

The Prince asks Goliath for help on a rescue mission.

This is the most hilarious plot if only bc the gummis are a thing that exist.

Finally: write a NEW wish list for the upcoming half of the year. It’s fine if you use a lot from your previous wish list if you still haven’t completed them and you still want to!

By character:

Mel: 

Explore momma mel-- this will sorta be through threads as I weave this event into Mel’s life. I also think this applies to getting an apprentice-ish figure for Mel which is kinda happening as she “mentors” some young Magicks (Celia, Jim, Ly).

Acknowledge her feelings for Howl and deal with that shit: dark squad is always Really High Magic, so I’d love to take ‘em down with a good ol confession scene or something idk. Or maybe Mel cries to someone else bc she has feelings for someone who can’t love her or idk maybe she goes on a rampage I dunno.

Ber: 

More music reviews. This was from my old list AND I’ve been doing more, so I just want to kinda continue on doing these and up my number mhm.

Produce someone’s music. I rly want Ber to get a partnership with someone sooo!! I’ll be on the look out.

Kiara: 

Date! I actually am here for this idea of Kiara dating Callie and maybe Alice too. Is Callie ok with that?? Idk we’ll see.

Figure out her passion for healthcare and women stuff!!! I think Kiara might end up like a nurse or a social worker related to like women’s healthcare so I dunno I’d like to somehow explore more of those threads, maybe make her do some sort of afterschool program. She’s still finding herself so!! It’s an important year for her coming up.

Hades: 

Uh. Use his fire lmao but rly this is an important goal and lowkey cant say anything more spoilers

Chester: spoilers

Milla: spoilers

Milo: 

Still want him to start looking OUT of Pride U and start thinking about what he really wants for his future.

Buuuut while he’s in Pride U, student stuff! Teacher apprentice?? Tutor?? Idk hit me up

Merlin Objects. Get dat seal in the cave yo

TALK ABOUT ISSUES WITH JANE

Nala: 

Still want Nala to have a one night stand/go on dates c’mon ppl I don’t get to explore romantic Nala a lot.

More female friends 

Kiki: 

Find Jiji, perform ceremony

Discover true nature of her powers, which will lead to ONE OF TWO SCENARIOS:

Embraces her powers

Decides to stop being a witch and go to university instead.

Would still like her to go on a date ok

Anita: 

Explore what a canon dearcliffe looks like????? I don’t know if this will actually happen like when all this shit calms down and Anita is unfrozen maybe Roger will be like bitch bye idk. But it would be interesting to see Anita finally embrace her real feelings and realize that she can be considerate but still assertive, and then get to see how the relationship actually operates after so. much. build-up.

Also I meeeaaaan she’s also been woken up for how BI she is, that’d be interesting to do more with. Especially if it was in the context of a budding relationship with Roger (tbd on that lol)

Would still like to do more art paras (looking at anna and annette for potential help with this-- maybe a louita (friendly) reunion would be nice too

Great Prince:

More forest plot stuff. I have some random ideas floating in my head and so i’d love to introduce the stone trolls i keep mentioning and have great prince share his forest home with ppl (like bambi and ella). Obviously some of this will happen as prince ‘trains’ bambi in his magic. Or I hope so.

Honestly…. Maybe...have him...do stuff...with..pride..u? He really loved being a professor and I could see him get more involved with the magizoology department! Maybe as a guest lecturer at times or he could lead groups of students? IDK we both just loved prof henthorn sooo bring! it! back!

Paul:

Make Paul go on dates. This is leftover from my old one but part of his journey~ involves putting himself back out there. It’s important for Paul to realize he’s not trapped or that being a dad isnt the end of his love life and he can’t really do that with Perdita (sorry Perdy).

Continue fixing his relationship with Perdy. That being said and counterintuitive perhaps to the last point, Paul does care about Perdy and wants to be good friends with her. I’d love some more co-parenting stuff when Perdy gets more comfortable with the babies because I am intrigued by that dynamic since they won’t be dating rn. At least i dont think they will.

UNIVERSITY i have a plan for this i gotta make it happen lol i suck

[tamiddyinyourcity]

9:06am, I'm nervous. My body and mind are kind of lost at the same time right now.

And I kept listening to If I Ruled The World by Sortagoth on loop, over and over again, because it reminded me of a happier time as a younger kid I guess or something.

It's making me happy, so, its not wrong if its making me smile in a situation I'm otherwise not too happy about.

Things to remember:

I'm single. Patrick is single. He's not my boyfriend.

So of course, he probably is gonna see other people again. That's fine. (Even though he should work on himself before getting in another relationship, but who the fuck am i to say some shit like that?)

I'm my own individual person.

I have a great life, with or without him in it.

And I can do plenty of things, since I am not useless and whatnot.

Also, shoutout to Somebody That I Used to Know, the song I listened to before meeting my ex the day I got my gift back, playing in Wingstop the other note. I felt bad, I kinda stared at the speakers when Patrick was talking to, on some, "God is mocking me" type shit, that I mightve seemed rude.

Patrick can be rude a lot sometimes, but even then, i didnt wanna seem like i wasnt focused either.

.....

Just want to talk.

I know its not gonna be the same as any other time we talked, due to several factors, including his friends hating me, and other fucked up circumstances I don't need to repeat. (Y'all can read about that yourselves, i guess.)

But, still annoyed at how shit changed.

And yet, not entirely.

............

I'm not sure if I can right much more. It's complicated, and I have a lot of thoughts.

But in summary.... I really did value our friendship before. I cared about him, and I'm not sure I can say I've really stopped. (If my "stop caring about Patrick in the new devade of 2020" plan actually worked, i wouldnt be here right now.)

Its just not the same friendship anymore; its worrying me.

Or like, how do I put it.....

It was a lot less hostile back then. I wouldn't even dream of having nights like the ones we had most recently. Even during spats, we knew how to communicate for the most part. Our "I don't want to date you, and let me explain to you in the nicest way possible that you're still a good person, but, not who I'd emotionally subject myself to for a romantic relationship", talk happened as we just walked Scully around through his sunny neighborhood. I don't remember what else happened, but I assume we fucked. Then boom, problem solved.

Oh right, another factor to our successful friendship was that plowing was still on the table..... yeah, kind of easy to go "i dont hate this guy" if hes giving me serotonin thru his dick every day.

Aaaaaand that's over, too. Or, i cant screw over a morality concept.

Plus, one of our relationships did start up again, mainly since I caught feelings for him eventually after times of countless sex, cuddling, making out, and movies.

So, not sure if subjecting myself to that would be wise. It would either lead to us starting yet another unsure relationship, a toxic fight, or my self esteem shoooting eight feet underground, knowing i fucked a man that openly said he didnt see our relationship valuable enough to really fix.....

....

Alright.

I don't know what to say, or what to do.

But, i gotta wake up now.

And just.... I miss what we had back then as friends, since even the most fuckin odd parts, were way easier to handle than this shit.

It was as easy as, "Hey Patrick, you wanna meet up today?", and some idle adventure somewhere in the area. We could go back to his place. Watch Netflix, platonically cuddle, platonically fuck and try new things. It was relatively simple. Just a good friendship where I wasn't afraid to say what's on my mind, and I (for the most part i think) tried to encourage him to do the same.

It was a good, honest friendship, with someone who was also DTF, and I didn't have to really fear anything. Simple times! Getting plowed and still having a form of emotional connection with someone is good.

And, it was easy.

.....

Now, it's not as easy as going, "Hey Patrick," and talking through things. Or more. Since yknow, as attractive as he is, (medium level attractive,) i still cant bang the guy. It's not at that level of friendship or healing yet, to be at the "i can fuck my ex without problem or complaining aboutbour relationship" level at the moment.....

It's at the, "If I think about the relationship too long, I start to disassociate, and for the sake of my health I'm gonna need to pretend we never dated", phase of healing at the moment.

.....

I just hate so much about this. Everything changed, and not even in a good, healthy way.

[thotragnar0k]

i’ve been occasionally vague in my tags recently (don’t know if anyone actually reads them when i do add them but anyway) and I figured i should probably explain myself.

this past month of august has been really hard for all the good things that have happened in it. i’ve been feeling really upset about my body, my eating habits and my lifestyle, and while i thought being at home wasn’t helping, i was wrong (for reasons that will be explained in this super long post - i am so sorry people who don’t care about me).

i’ve never been happy with my weight. friends of mine have probably noticed that i put myself down a lot - saying self-deprecating things like I’m ugly and one such thing today i’m nowhere near pretty enough to a) marry rich and b) have a sugar daddy (you don’t need context here) - and it’s a problem i am subconsciously trying to fix. 

but as i was saying, my body and i have never been on good terms. i think that my curves are in all the wrong places, and i feel like i’m in that gross in-between where no clothes look good on me, and I don’t have the right proportions for my tall (5′7-5′8) body.

i celebrated my 20th birthday this year, twice technically. Once a few days before with my friends and another the weekend of with my family. Firstly the night out with my friends. Sidenote: I’m not a ‘night out’ kind of girl. I don’t really like to get hammered. I will, I just won’t drink so much that I’ll throw up - mostly because I’m lazy and down want to have to clean. But as we were all at home, I figured fuck it, lets go out-out. Sometimes you just need to go out and get drunk with some friends. 

three things happened that night that made me hate myself. three things, I don’t think I’ve actually told my friends (both of which are on tumblr and may see this if i don’t mass reblog other things immediately after it), or if i have I’ve played it off. 

the first thing: my choice of outfit. again body issues. and lack of night out clothing. i don’t own any jeans that actually sit on my waist. i have high waisted jeans but unfortunately they always slip down to my hips (under my muffin top). my friends looked gorgeous. i felt like i stood out, but in a really bad way. sure the dress i wore was nice, but it wasn’t anything like the outfits they were wearing; jeans and a fancy top. 

the second thing: dancing on a bar in coyote ugly. i did it because, you only dance on a bar once and they were doing it. i can’t dance. i have zero rhythm in this body. dancing on a bar did nothing to help my self confidence. i felt like everybody was watching me and judging me and it made me want to disappear into my bed and never leave it again. 

and the third thing, also happening in coyote ugly; riding a rodeo bull. sure i’d love to say that i was too drunk to care. but i wasn’t. i was tipsy sure, but not too drunk. the thing that made me hate myself during this section of the night out - i couldn’t even get on the bull. my thick ass thighs kept sticking to the seat of the bull and my weak arms couldn’t pull my fat ass up. Sure I got up eventually, but the embarrassment of not being able to get on a rodeo bull was enough to completely slam dunk my self esteem into a trash can and into a bottomless pit. so that was fantastic. 

concerning the weekend with my family; i found myself crying in the bathroom silently before we went to cardiff because i wanted to dress up nice because we were going to a nice steakhouse, but my problems with my body just made me want to hide under a big baggy jumper. 

and i did. i found my biggest, baggiest jumper and i hid in it, because I couldn’t stand to see my disgusting body in something vaguely form fitting. no one commented on it, no one cared, but i did. and to be honest, i think it ruined my birthday.

and thats so sad, that such a small insignificant thing could ruin a while day. but it did. and to me it didn’t feel like a small, insignificant thing. it felt like a huge weight on my shoulder, drowning me completely. it also impacted my relationship with my boyfriend. he noticed that i haven’t been texting him as much as i usually do (not that im crazy, i just like to know how his day is going) and when we were conversing I was barely responding and being quite distant. and i hate it that that’s a thing i do; isolating myself to deal with my problems. i’m better now. i talk to him as much as i used to do, if not slightly less because i have nothing to do at the moment and there’s no point texting him for a cuddle because i’m not anywhere near each other for that instant gratification.

there have been many a night this summer where i have depersonalised (link here for those who want to know more) because of these issues, and its so hard to pull myself out of that floaty feeling. I’m better at it now than I used to be, but it’s still so hard. 

i’ve had so many things i need to do in preparation for third year of uni but these episodes of depersonalisation have really stood in the way of actually doing that. i’ve got photos of a mutual that i need to retouch and send back to her but i can’t pick up the energy to sit at my laptop and do that work because i feel disconnected to part of my body. 

and knowing she’ll read this, she’ll say just send them over to me un-edited; but the nit-picky, perfectionist part of my brain refuses to let me do that. i can’t send them to you because these aren’t perfect. they aren’t right. i can’t send them because this stray hair is out of place or this photo isn’t quite correctly exposed and sure, it seems trivial but it isn’t to me. 

i went to a convention this past weekend; asylum steampunk in lincoln. i was helping my mum sell her books, occasionally assisting a photographer and his team, and running around taking photos. it was an odd convention; i felt as though i’d both done a lot and nothing at the same time. usually i feel so tired after a multiple day convention that i need a four day nap to catch up. but i was actually okay. 

i learned a lot about myself at that convention. firstly, i oddly like talking to people and selling books. sure it’s hella tiring for just sitting behind a stall and occasionally selling a product. but chatting to people was actually really nice. my family tend to stick to ourselves. for welsh people (y’know that stereotype that welsh people never shut up) we don’t tend to socialise much, and networking is not our strongest asset. 

the other thing i, well i guess i re-learned; photographing people at conventions for fun is actually fun. For the past three or four conventions i’ve been to - comic, gaming and steampunk - i’ve always been thinking about how i can use the photos as a series for university. but this time; i wasn’t thinking about that. i wasn’t caring if the background was any good, or if the lighting was perfect. i was just taking the photos. and it was so relaxing and fun. it wasn’t work.

for three of the four days we were at that convention, i got into the spirit and i dressed up for it. One of the outfits, that was sort of like a steampunk-y mechanic was a wide-full leg jumpsuit that my mum and i made together a few weeks before. i tracked half of my journey of that on twitter, (the bits i did, the cutting the fabric etc - my mum actually sewed the whole thing together- though i did give her a shoutout on twitter for all her hardwork). I actually really enjoyed wearing that outfit (mostly because the pockets were s o b i g), for the other two days i went slightly more piratey, wearing striped brown and black l=pants and a flowey striped white shirt one day and a light lace skirt and off the shoulder top on the other. that skirt, i don’t know why i don’t wear it more often (aside from the fact it doesn’t fit any outfits i have and i’ll look like an idiot wearing it anywhere other than a convention) because i think i look so good in it (baring in mind the lack of body positivity i have, this is a big deal).

the other thing that i’ve been doing this summer is i’ve been getting into make-up and even fashion i guess, trying to learn how to do that stuff (man it’s hard, why didn’t i start earlier). make-ups not so much of a problem in what i’m about to talk about, but watching fashion videos on youtube is rather annoying when you’re an average to slightly above average weight. I’ve not found (until today, the videos i’m watching right now as i write this) any youtubers that are fashion related that are anywhere near the shape/weight that i am. They’re either super skinny waifs who can fit into anything they want (and like that one i saw, saying that a size fourteen is a great size for oversized clothing - bitch please, stop) or plus size and self confident with those curves in the right places and much bigger than i can relate to. not that there’s a problem with either, there’s just not as much representation for the ‘average’ person. there probably is and i just haven’t found it (currently watching lucy wood) and i need to look better into it. i can guarantee that is definitely the case. but still i’d love youtube to recommend those youtubers to me please.

something that i did realise from the steampunk weekend was that i was so busy ‘working’ if you can call it that, that i forgot to eat the crap that i usually eat during the day, and i guess i forgot to drink water (which is not a good thing, drink water kids). but the main thing is not eating crap all day, paired with the amount of walking i did that weekend (almost 30,000 steps over four days) has actually made me lose half a stone since the last time i weighed myself at the end of july. (so i’m very pleased about this) 

so sure, while third year is going to be so, so stressful, i’m making steps towards feeling better about myself and making sure i do 5-10 thousand steps a day and not eat as much crap as i usually do, but most importantly; learning to love myself and my body. 

oh my god this post is so long. i’m so sorry anyone who reads all this. 

tl,dr: the month of august has been depressing, body issues galore and i’m probably being ridiculous but i’m trying to get better.

[sunnybiggyfitness]

Do you know that exercising for at least 30 minutes per day helps reduce or eliminate the risk for - Anxiety - Diabetes - Heart disease - Stress - Mood disorder - And low self-esteem To avoid these epidemics, one must eat correctly and exercise daily. To learn more, please contact me at www.sunnybiggyfitness.com A throw back Thursday pic from Toronto IFBBPRO Show, and my shoutout pic for recent #arnoldclassic #show. #personaltrainer #training #fitness #workout #healthylifestyle #mensphysique #toronto #cleaneating #groupworkout #corporatetraining (at Toronto, Ontario)