#significantly more of my time than previously believed; and i didn’t want to risk being late to my interview or missing it

[fingertipsmp3]

Had to reschedule my online interview and now I’m nervous lol

[zupawama]

brief treasure planet scene analysis (jim and silver)

so. this is probably going to sound a little tangenty and stupid (and maybe a little obvious, be it from the get-go or in hindsight), but: i was rewatching treasure planet (2002), and i figured anybody else that also didn’t pick up on the subtleties so quickly could use my wee analysis. during the purp barrel scene, we see silver go for scroop’s throat (literally) following scroop’s earlier execution of mr. arrow, spaghettification style. he tries framing it as the sole causes of his anger being scroop’s disobedience towards his orders, and his extreme impulsivity regarding dangerous stunt-pulling, but like... that’s a CRAZY amount of rage to be showing over mere disobedience and dangerous impulsivity alone, and this becomes even more apparent when you also factor in the fact(s) that: A.) the crew certainly wasn’t at risk of being landed in any real trouble for the move, unlike how they were the last time scroop disobeyed orders, and: B.) once again, unlike the last time scroop disobeyed silver’s word, they’re actually now at a significantly greater advantage than they were before; mr. arrow being out of the way means an easier time cornering the previously seemingly indomitable captain amelia. (plus, silver never really held any personal ties with/saw any value in mr. arrow.) considering silver’s ultimate goal here is to get his share of flint’s trove through virtually whatever means necessary, you think he’d be a little less displeased by that. at least to a degree. i pondered over it for a few minutes longer, and that’s when it really, solidly clicked for me: silver wasn’t angry on his own, much less his crew’s behalf. he was angry on jim’s behalf. and really, if i may argue, solely and entirely jim’s behalf. because what was the real “stunt” that scroop ultimately ended up pulling? not killing mr. arrow — framing jim. silver chucked this krampus-crab-spider-hybrid looking dude at a barrel full force because he was THAT overcome with rage that he’d try and tarnish jim’s name like that, especially after the boy just finished confessing to him that he wanted to start making efforts to get people to see him in a new and better light. maaaan. maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. (note: i should also add here that i near wholeheartedly believe that scroop, to at the very least a minor degree, intentionally targeted jim as a scapegoat to prove that silver had gone soft for him; he KNEW he’d catch silver not only trying to comfort him, but also getting vicious on the boy’s behalf.)

[theartofdreaming1]

As usual, my thoughts regarding this week’s prompts and random thoughts on chapters 25-27 are below the cut.

heart

The imagery that really caught my attention this time was Peeta pointing out the changes in the moon to Katniss: The only indication of the passage of time lies in the heavens, the subtle shift of the moon. So Peeta begins pointing it out to me, insisting I acknowledge its progress and sometimes, for just a moment I feel a flicker of hope before the agony of the night engulfs me again. - So for one, we see another example of Peeta focusing on the small details in life (which I’ve previously hypothesized to being an important element in his recovery from his hijacking) as well as Peeta being the one to give Katniss hope, even if it’s just for a brief moment. Also, it’s a nice parallel to Katniss looking at the moon and desperately wishing for it to be “her moon” back in chapter 23. As a nocturnal person, I also love watching the moon from my living room window🌙

mind

Hmmh, I don’t think that Katniss and Peeta’s win was predetermined - although I do believe that by introducing the romantic angle, they significantly improved their odds. A Career winning the Games is not really that special and exciting, since it happens so often (although Careers generally satisfy that excitement for violence/blood/gore, that plenty of Capitol people seem to share). As a volunteer from District 12, who achieved an extremely good training score and proved herself to be very capable in the arena already, Katniss definitely had an edge by playing into the classic underdog story, which offered another exciting “narrative” for the Capitolites to follow - that, coupled (heh) with the romance angle Peeta introduced? Katniss (and Peeta) definitely had the entertainment (and excitement through novelty) factor on their side. Ironically, Cato’s chances of winning were not as good as he expected, precisely because he was playing it by the book.

soul

Poor Peeta (and Katniss), it hurts that their relationship was in such a rocky place by the end of the book. Especially those weeks right after the end of Book 1, when there were still cameras around District 12 and they had to pretend while hurting must have sucked big time🥺

Chapter 25

Ugh, the muttations are just so unsettling... *shudder*

Honestly, I’m just so impressed by Peeta’s presence of mind to draw that X on Cato’s hand, after he had just most of his calf ripped off, only to be grabbed and put in a headlock by Cato! He and Katniss work insanely well under pressure

God, Cato’s death is just so gruesome and awful... In the end, his “gift” from the Feast doesn’t help him win at all, but instead ends up prolonging his suffering a cruel amount... I wonder if in general these “gifts” come with a string attached (aside from the expected danger of trying to get them, I mean) - because the Gamemakers also intend for Katniss’s “gift” (medicine for Peeta) to force an even more cruel outcome on her - saving him from blood poisoning only to be forced into killing him herself... 🤔

I’m not sure if this is exactly medical protocol, but I’m terrified that if he drifts off he’ll never wake again. “Are you cold?” he asks. He unzips his jacket and I press against him as he fastens it around me. - Katniss is terrified of the idea of Peeta dying; at the same time, Peeta worries about her freezing - I can’t with these two 😩

Peeta begins to doze off now, and each time he does, I find myself yelling his name louder and louder because if he goes and dies on me now, I know I’ll go completely insane. He’s fighting it, probably more for me than for him - Katniss can’t lose any more people she cares about 😢; on a different note, Peeta fighting his unconsciousness “probably more for [Katniss] than for him” points out one of the crucial elements Katniss brings into Peeta’s life - she is that someone for whom he will fight - including for his own life and well-being - even when it feels easier to give up... Having that person in your life that keeps you going can make all the difference - if Katniss hadn’t had Prim and promised her “to really, really try” to win (and later also made Rue the same promise), I’m not sure she would have made it this far; it’s the thought of Prim anxiously watching her after Rue’s death, that forces Katniss to keep going, to not give in to despair after that particular traumatic event - Peeta, on the other hand, didn’t really have that kind of person in his life, as he will point out on the beach in CF (and Katniss acknowledges herself that the only person who will be devasted if Peeta dies is her)... that is not to say that neither Katniss nor Peeta aren’t fighters on their own - but it helps to have someone that inspires you to not give up

the adrenaline pumping through my body would never allow me to follow him, so I can’t let him go. I just can’t. - We’ll see the mirrored version of this by the end of Mockinjay 

Pity, not vengeance, sends my arrow flying into [Cato’s] skull. - Another act of rebellion, technically (sure, this can be spun as Katniss killing Cato so she and Peeta may win - before Peeta dies from blood loss - but we know better - Katniss’s motivation was compassion for her supposed enemy)

We inch down to the tail of the horn and fall to the ground. If the stiffness in my limbs is this bad, how can Peeta even move? - Peeta is tough as nails, yo!

Before I am even aware of my actions, my bow is loaded with the arrow pointed straight at his heart [...] I drop my weapons and take a step back, my face burning in what can only be shame. “No,” he says. “Do it.” [...] “I can’t,” I say, “I won’t.” - In spite of her initial reflex, Katniss chooses Peeta/ chooses not to kill him; it’s a recurring theme in their relationship (despite her wariness of others, she chooses to open up to Peeta eventually; although she vowed to never marry and have children, she’ll choose to have a family with Peeta); also, my psychology-brain just noticed how this moment illustrates how harmful thoughts/impulses don’t have to determine your actions and are not an indicator of who you are - it’s about what you choose to do

“You’re not leaving me here alone,” I say. Because if he dies, I’ll never go home, not really. I’ll spend the rest of my life in this areny trying to think my way out. - Again, makes me think of MJ; also, I think that from this point onwards, Katniss and Peeta are officially linked together forever; the bond they forged during this traumatic experience will connect them to each other until the day they die

“On the count of three?” Peeta leans down and kisses me once, very gently. “The count of three,” he says. - My heart😭

Chapter 26

... while our muscles are immobile, nothing is preventing the blood from draining out of Peeta’s leg. Sure enough, the minute the door closes behind us and the current stops, he slumps to the floor unconscious  [...] Through the glass, I see the doctors working feverishly on Peeta, their brows creased in concentration [...] I’m not sure, but I think his heart stops twice. - Peeta was in such a bad shape by the end of the Games; I’m still kinda salty that the movie really glossed over this fact :/

... they’re taking Peeta but leaving me behind the door. I start hurling myself against the glass, shrieking and I think I just catch a glimpse of pink hair - it must be Effie, it has to be Effie coming to my rescue - when the needle jabs me from behind. - Oh geez, in Catching Fire Katniss will also get sedated in a hovercraft because she’s upset about being separated from Peeta 😢 (also, Katniss thinking that Effie is coming to her rescue 😭)

While she [Lavinia, the avox] adjusts my pillows, I risk one question. I say it out loud, as clearly as my rusty voice will allow, so nothing will seem secretive. “Did Peeta make it?” She gives me a nod, and as she slips a spoon into my hand, I feel the pressure of friendship. - Katniss is so considerate of Lavinia’s situation, and Lavinia’s giving her a gesture of comfort and support; they’ve never been able to have a proper conversation (Katniss doesn’t even know Lavinia’s name), but still they managed to build up such a bond - compassion certainly is a strong thing to behold 😭 (and this whole scene is just through and through about compassion, with Katniss asking how Peeta is doing!)

Home! Prim and my mother! Gale! Even the thought of Prim’s scruffy old cat makes me smile. Soon I will be home! - Katniss is so excited to see her home and her loved ones again

I want to get out of this bed. To see Peeta and Cinna - Aww, the two people she grew closest to over the course of the past weeks (Haymitch will be added to that list in just a smidge)

Or do I hear a man’s voice yelling? Not in the Capitol accent, but in the rougher cadences of home. And I can’t help having a vague, comforting feeling that someone is looking out for me. - Thank God for Haymitch! 

And behind one of them [doors] must be Peeta. Now that I’m conscious and moving, I’m growing more and more anxious about him [...] “Peeta!” I call out, since there’s no one to ask - Katniss is sick with worry over Peeta; romantic feelings or not, she cares so fricking much for him by now!

I run for them [Effie, Haymitch, and Cinna] and surprise even myself when I launch into Haymitch’s arms first. When he whispers in my ear, “Nice job, sweetheart,” it doesn’t sound sarcastic. - These reunion scenes are so intense and heartwarming! And then Katniss asks about Portia and Peeta because their presence would make this scene complete 

when I asks for seconds, I’m refused. “No, no, no. They don’t want it all coming back up on the stage,” says Octavia, but she secretly slips me an extra roll under the table to let me know she’s on my side - It’s moments like these that help humanize Katniss’s prep team - they might be shallow, they might be completely oblivious and ignorant, but they aren’t that bad [of course, the prep team chattering about their mundane lives while talking about the event that ended with the deaths of 22 children shortly after, leaves a bad taste in our mouths]

I immediately notice the padding over my breasts, adding curves that hunger has stolen from my body. My hands go to my chest and I frown. “I know,” says Cinna before I can object. “But the Gamemakers wanted to alter you surgically. Haymitch had a huge fight with them over it. This was the compromise.” - God, the idea that the Gamemakers wanted to give a boob job to an unconscious, malnourished 16-year-old girl makes me sick 🤢 (Also, what’s the flipping deal about boobs?! As a pretty flat-chested gal, I’ve always been annoyed that there are barely any bras my cup size that are not push-up ones; I’m not self-conscious about it, so stop making me pretend that I’m bustier than I actually am!)

“I thought it’d be something more... sophisticated-looking,” I say. “I thought Peeta would like this better,” he [Cinna] answers carefully. Peeta? No, it’s not about Peeta. It’s about the Capitol and the Gamemakers and the audience. Although I do not yet understand Cinna’s design, it’s a reminder the Games are not quite finished. - Ugh, that sinking feeling when Katniss and the reader realize that the Games are still not over... Sidenote: Peeta flirted up a storm with grimy, bloodied Katniss and complimented her when she wore Cinna’s first, absolutely badass costume (”You should wear flames more often”)... Katniss’s girlish outfit  has nothing to do with Peeta and she knows it... Cinna could have dressed Katniss up in a trash bag and Peeta would have been smitten - although a trash bag by Cinna would probably still look pretty good ;)

“How about a hug for luck?” Okay, that’s an odd request from Haymitch but, after all we are victors. Maybe a hug for luck is in order. - Aww, Katniss actually wouldn’t have minded giving Haymitch a hug just because - sadly, this is about survival tips instead :/

But what was it Haymitch said when I asked it he had told Peeta the situation? That he had to pretend to be desperately in love? “Don’t have to. He’s already there.” Already thinking ahead of me in the Games again and well aware of the danger we’re in? Or... already desperately in love? I don’t know. I haven’t even begun to separate out my feelings about Peeta. It’s too complicated. - Poor Katniss... she didn’t have the time and peace of mind to sort out her feelings regarding Peeta before they all got tied up and muddled with her need for survival. Now she’ll be having an even harder time trying to untangle that mess :(

Chapter 27

Then there’s Peeta just a few yards away. He looks so clean and healthy and beautiful, I can hardly recognize him. But his smile is the same whether in mud or in the Capitol and when I see it, I take about three steps and fling myself into his arms [...] He rights himself and we just cling to each other while the audience goes insane. He’s kissing me and all the time I’m thinking, Do you know? Do you know how much danger we’re in? After about ten minutes of this, Caesar Flickerman taps on his choulder to continue the show, and Peeta just pushes him aside without even glancing at him. - Man, their reunion here always gets me - it would be so fricking good if Katniss didn’t have to worry about their potential doom 😒😔 - she barely has time to just be happy to see Peeta alive and well before slipping back into survival mode while Peeta is just genuinely thrilled to have her in his arms, completely unaware of the pressure and immediate danger Katniss experiences in this moment... It hurts so bad

I’m with Katniss - How did the previous victors endure rewatching those horrible moments from the Games?! I guess because they had to, but oof... I think I’d just completely shut down, blocking out the footage shown, ugh

But I do notice they omit the part where I covered her [Rue] in flowers. Right. Because even that smacks of rebellion. - In such a callous and cruel place as Panem, any act of compassion can be regarded as rebellion, it’s crazy. In a place filled with apathy, hedonism, greed, and cruelty, the most radical things you can exhibit are love, kindness, and respect!

A wave of gratitude to the filmmakers sweeps over me when they end not with the announcement of our victory, but with me pounding on the glass door of the hovercraft, screaming Peeta’s name as they try to revive him. In terms of survival, it’s my best moment all night. - Again, another instance where Katniss’s genuine feelings/reactions to Peeta are get muddled with her need for survival

The one thing I never do is let go of Peeta’s hand. - irrevocably linked with each other

Despite Haymitch’s running interference, I’m determined to see Peeta privately. - Katniss just wants to have an honest and open talk with Peeta 😢 (I get where Haymitch is coming from, and maybe in this instance it’s the right call, but we’ll see a similar situation in the beginning of CF when Haymitch advises Katniss not to tell Peeta about President Snow’s visit and that time, it doesn’t go so well...)

Then Peeta’s there looking handsome in red and white - for someone who isn’t sure whether she’s into him or not, Katniss sure mentions how good Peeta’s looking a lot 😏

“Well, there’s just this and we go home. Then he can’t watch us all the time,” says Peeta. - 👀👀 Peeta is so thirsty here; reminds me of when he pulled Katniss close to him in the cave before they set out to hunt... He clearly believes she’s also “already there” regarding their relationship; he’s never this “suggestive” (can’t think of a better word right now) with her once she lets him know that she doesn’t really know how she feels about him - I feel a sort of shiver run through me and there’s no time to analyze why - Katniss totally isn’t averse to what Peeta’s suggesting here, either (though there’s probably also a healthy amount of fear mixed in with the thrill of being wanted - letting people in can be terrifying)

I can feel Peeta press his forehead into my temple and he asks, “So now that you’ve got me, what are you going to do with me?” I turn in to him. “Put you somewhere you can’t get hurt.” And when he kisses me, people in the room actually sigh. - It’s me; I’m people 🙋🏼‍♀️ (also, the “turn in to him”?!?!! it just suggests such a closeness, I can’t-)

Katniss burying her face in Peeta’s shirt when she’s afraid she might cry learning that he lost his leg 🥺 (how awful it must be to be constantly on display while you’re dealing with your private feelings, ugh)

“... The moment when you pulled out those berries. What was going on in your mind... hm?” [...] It seems to call for a big, dramatic speech, but all I get out is one almost inaudible sentences. “I don’t know, I just... couldn’t bear the thought of... being without him.” - It might not be a super eloquent way to put what she was supposed to say, but this way, Katniss is being perfectly honest (and frankly, if she’d had the chance to properly process her feelings, she would have been able to voice this sentiment with less hesitation)

I go back to my room to collect a few things and find there’s nothing to take but the mockingjay pin Madge gave me. Someone returned it to my room after the Games. - For one, Katniss didn’t think of that pin (again), but also - was the pin returned to her simply because it’s standard procedure or did someone (like Plutarch, for example) arrange for Katniss to get the pin back, to keep her connection to this symbol going?

I stare in the mirror as I try to remember who I am and who I am not. - Poor Katniss! She’s been through so much, experienced so many traumatic events in short succession recently (aside from the trauma she already had), already had problems defining her identity beyond sheer survival, and now the Capitol also keeps pushing an identity onto her and a romantic relationship, when she hadn’t even had the chance to figure out how she felt about that yet

“... Haymitch has been coaching me through the last few days. So I didn’t make it worse,” I say. “Coaching you? But not me,” says Peeta. “He knew you were smart enough to get it right,” I say. “I didn’t know there was anything to get right,” says Peeta. - Oh boy. It’s always so painful to see Peeta realize that he’s been completely out of the loop; again, we’ll see how Katniss and Haymitch adopt a similar strategy in the beginning of CF: banking on Peeta’s good social skills and eloquence and keeping him in the dark. In a way, it’s a sort of compliment they pay to Peeta for being good with people, but, by not telling him, they are also using him for their purpose (which is motivated by caring for and wanting to protect Peeta, but still). Peeta is right to be upset about it - he has always been very clear about not wanting to be used as a piece in anyone’s games, really. And, as we will see later in CF, they are way more effective as a team when they are open and honest with each other.

“It was all for the Games,” Peeta says. “How you acted.” “Not all of it,” I say, tightly holding on to my flowers. “Then how much? No, forget that. I guess the real question is what’s going to be left when we get home?” he says. “I don’t know. The closer we get to District Twelve, the more confused I get,” I say. He waits, for further explanation, but none’s forthcoming. “Well, let me know when you work it out,” he says, and the pain in his voice is palpable. - It’s just so goddamn painful😢 They’ve both been done so dirty by that forced star-crossed lovers of Distrct 12 routine. (Sidenote: I appreciate that Peeta actually gives Katniss the chance to explain herself here - still, it’s too much to deal with on the spot so I can understand why Katniss ended up dropping the ball, even though it’s frustrating to read.)

That it’s not good loving me because I’m never going to get married anyway and he’d just end up hating me later instead of sooner. That if I do have feelings for him, it doesn’t matter because I’ll never be able to afford the kind of love that leads to a family, to children. And how can he? How can he after what we’ve just been through? - Oh Katniss, you certainly are skipping a couple of steps here; I’m pretty sure there are some options in between dating and being married with kids you could look into. Also, she’s just assuming that this is what Peeta wants, but she doesn’t know that at all - As someone who also has this stupid habit of imagining how whole conversations could possibly transpire and then resigning myself to the hypothetical outcome of said imagined conversation instead of actually having them: Don’t do that. ‘Never assume - it makes an ASS out of U and ME.’ 

I see Peeta extend his hand. I look at him, unsure. “One more time? For the audience?” he says. His voice isn’ t angry. It’s hollow, which is worse. Already the boy with the bread is slipping away from me. I take his hand, holding it tightly, preparing for the cameras, and dreading the moment when I will finally have to let go. - Ma babies! They are both so hurt and both just want to be with each other 😭 But they’ll need some time apart, to figure things out before they can do that.

[mrslackles]

what do you think are gg's biggest flaws?

Ooh, Anon! It’s like you’re in my head. 

I’m busy making a video (that will probably never see the light of day) about this --  my distance from the show has really helped with some super objective clarity -- so I’ll use my notes from that to help me answer. 

I’ll preface this by saying what I was most shocked by after putting down all the points was that Rio isn’t even mentioned until really far down??

Anyway, let's get into it.

These are Good Girls' greatest flaws in my opinion (and relative to season 1 -- while I think it had its flaws too, the list is far smaller and I think that's a separate post)

1. It didn't stick to its guns

What set this show apart from others in the 'Everyday person does crime (poorly)' genre was its comedic lightness, strong friendship element, relatability and emphasis on girl power.

a) By season 2, the lightness was already slowly disappearing to make way for season 3's darkness. (Quite literally; this show said sunlight scenes for WHO.) It also stopped being as fun. Remember how it genuinely used to be fun? I mean let's not forget The Best Scene Ever where Ruby shoots Big Mike by accident and we all laughed our asses off. (Compare and contrast to a similar-in-tone-and-context scene -- or even the whole episode -- like Boomer popping up behind them as Rio's package in season 3.) I think season 3 had some great lines and laughs, but in general, the fun element was completely missing for me.

b) As was the friendship. We already know Annie and Ruby basically became Beth's backup dancers in season 2, but at least then they still seemed to have some type of agency. In season 3, they rarely question Beth's (truly questionable) decisions, don't talk to her about shit like why she's still with her horrible husband and have very few true friendship moments as they did in season 1.

c) Which made it less relatable, but what also contributed was the major plot holes (it's less easy to relate when you're constantly having to remind yourself to suspend your disbelief). And, to be honest, their stupid actions. Just the most common-sense things weren't followed, like not taking your children to a crack den or not putting a hit out on a gang leader. It's frustrating watching a TV show -- where characters are supposed to learn things, have arcs and improve over time -- and feeling like you have more logical sense than all the main characters in every scene. (WHO would think a hitman was going to use a sniper rifle on people in broad daylight on the side of the road???)

d) You don't have to look any further than the title or the stans who shout "THE SHOW IS ABOUT THE GIRLS" -- or, hell, the first 10 seconds of the show where Sara is literally talking about the glass ceiling -- to know that the main characters being women is very important to the show. If not formally feminist, it was at least supposed to be empowering or feel like "girl power" (a term I hate, but we won't get into that now).

And I think it did it pretty well in season 1 -- it actually played on my favourite theme of the show, which is the world's perception of these women being what ultimately allows them to get away with so much. (Rife with opportunities for commentary about white privilege, but also a genius way to upend patriarchal beliefs.) But more and more it seemed like the show was asking you to accept empowerment as simply "these things are being done by women, yay".

And, well.

2. Its marketing

I'll keep this one short because I think we all know how messed up this situation is. Basically they're selling a show (every week!) that they're not making while ignoring all feedback on every social media platform. Which brings us to...

3. The marriage of Death

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times -- Beth's character development starts with getting rid of Dean. Her growth is stunted by him on multiple fronts and it's frustrating to viewers since she's constantly put forth as the main character. Not to mention how the audience, separately from Beth, was originally conditioned to see Dean as the scum of the earth (think of scenes like him crashing his car because he was perving on a woman jogging) so keeping them together is really... a choice. To actively root for this marriage (which seems like what the show wants, at least for the protracted moment) means either thinking Dean is a great person (which, as I said, we've only seen the opposite of) or believing he's all Beth deserves. Which leads me to...

4. Beth's (socio)path(y)

Is sociopath a 'good' word? Probably not. Have I seen dozens upon dozens of posts talking about whether Beth is one? Yes. And I see it from a huge variety of people -- from viewers who just binged the show last weekend to those who've been watching for years, the question keeps coming up. And I entirely blame the writing of the show that, by the way, I don't believe is deliberately creating Beth to get this reaction. I think she's written (and, to an extent, acted) in a way that is much too aloof and I'm not convinced it's meant to come off as cold and unfeeling as it does. Everything else leads me to believe that the audience is supposed to root for Beth, but it's just so difficult.

Beth does a lot of messed up shit that requires dialogue to sympathise with her and the inner workings of her mind, but in the later seasons Beth rarely gets to express herself verbally. And every time she does get to speak about her emotions, the dialogue is a pick-your-own-adventure between "She's in so much denial", "This person feels no emotions" and "I'll go find an analysis/fic later to explain this" (scenes like "Nothing" or "I was just bored"). Compare and contrast with some of the great scenes in season 1 where she emotes, like her paralysing shock after they first rob the store or admitting she enjoys crime, or (one of my favourites!) the one in the park where she's mimicking the other mothers beside her.

5. Brio

I said in the beginning that I was shocked Rio doesn't get mentioned until this point and that's because I've always felt like he was an integral part of the show. When people say the show is about the girls, they're truncating -- the show is about the girls getting into crime. That crime is represented by Rio over and over again -- they never bring in another criminal at his level (which is another one of its flaws, but that's also a different post); Rio is it.

And though I stand by Rio's importance, the truth is that Brio isn't as essential to the show, by which I mean that if all of the above were done well, it wouldn't be as sorely missed. In lieu of riveting plot, a fun friendship, character development and empowerment, most viewers have glommed onto Brio like a lifeboat (or ship, heh).

Unfortunately it's also what the show has most stubbornly refused to develop significantly.

It's honestly a toss-up for why I feel Brio is a flaw: is the flaw that they got together? That they never got together well enough? That the writing keeps bringing in these 'chemistry-filled' scenes that are ultimately filled with air?

I don't know. Maybe all of them; maybe just one, depending on the day.

6. Its criticism falls flat without intersectionality

This is a big one because Good Girls is *trying* to do something very clever. As mentioned previously, my favourite theme of the show is how the women's apparent innocence/vulnerability in the eyes of society is their biggest strength. The show plays with this and other interesting themes with varying levels of success, but ultimately they all fall a little flat when they don't feel intersectional.

When Ruby gets sidelined. When Turner, who sees and all but calls out by name Beth's privilege, is portrayed as the villain. When Rio is told he's gonna "pop a cap" in his young child's "ass". When the racist grandma becomes a sympathetic character whom we must later grieve. (And she really didn't have to be racist, now that I think about it? It was just that one line for laughs and that was it.) When, despite the real-world implications, Dean can loudly announce in a store that he's buying a gun to kill someone with and the show just glides past it. When Ruby has to grovel for forgiveness from Beth for trying to protect her husband and family from the system, with no acknowledgement from Beth about how their realities are different. When Rhea gets booted off the show as soon as she's done serving Beth's plot. When Rio gets treated like a prostitute for absolutely no reason. (Oh, and is accused of raping Beth and is literally spoken of as an animal and starts only existing in zero dim lighting as a one-dimensional stereotype... the list goes on.)

7. PR/The actors

I'll risk my life here to sprinkle this in because I do think it's a massive problem. The Manny/Christina of it all is just the tip of the iceberg (although wtf Good Girls? There's nothing you could do to get these two into an interview together??). The main actors do the bare minimum to promote the show and it's weird. I also think it's the height of unprofessionalism to keep characters on the show against the wishes of the majority of the audience just because you enjoy their actors (Boomer confirmed; Dean highly suspected). While, on the flip side of the coin, limiting a character's screentime because you aren't best buddies with them. Having less and less Rio when he's such a fan favourite is dumb; as is not including him in any series marketing material. It feels personal and that isn't how a TV show should be run.

8. The entire hair and wardrobe department needs a stern talking-to

[samisadeangirl]

I have a very simple question for you. If you don't like it you don't need to answer it. Also I love your blog so much and I really love the way you talk and throw canon facts at people when they're being dumb heads. BTW the question is .... John or Mary.

Hey there Anon,

It’s great to hear that you like my blog so much!  Your question isn’t as simple as one might think.  I’m not sure if you’re asking me to pick which one I like better or was the better parent, but since the two are tied so closely together I guess it’s still the same question.  It’s not an easy answer though since there are major issues with both.

If we’re only considering the “real” Mary from S1-5 and not the thing that Amara brought back, then hands-down I’d pick her over John any day.  The young Mary that we met in 4.03 In the Beginning and 5.13 The Song Remains the Same was both strong and vulnerable and so passionate about not only getting away from hunting herself but also protecting her children from going through what she had to.  And of course Mary in both 1.01 Pilot and 1.09 Home was willing to sacrifice everything to keep her sons safe.  We didn’t get to see much of her overall, but I feel that she would’ve been a fierce, loving, amazing mother to Sam and Dean if she’d lived.

John on the other hand was a lousy father no matter how you look at it.  He neglected his boys, put them in unnecessary danger, and was emotionally abusive IMO.  Nearly every flashback showed him leaving the boys alone for days or weeks at a time at ages when they were too young to be without adult supervision for so long.  By doing so, he left them vulnerable not only to demons and other monsters but also more mundane threats like sexual predators, human traffickers, or even simply Child Protective Services.  (There’s also Dean admitting in 4.04 Metamorphosis about going hungry for days, which his eating habits support, and it seems more likely that this occurred in childhood than when he was old enough to support himself since we’ve never seen him & Sam being that strapped for cash.)  He even abandoned Dean for 2 months as a teen, and it was simply luck that Dean ended up at Sonny’s farm in 9.07 Bad Boys instead of another juvenile facility that might’ve been far worse.

While most of us can agree that John did need to prepare his sons against supernatural threats, there is no justification for taking them on hunts possibly as young as 8 years old (as mentioned in 11.08 Just My Imagination, though we don’t know if they actively participated in the hunt or just helped with research & prep) and definitely as teenagers.  And these hunts the boys were taken on as kids weren’t milk runs but against extremely dangerous creatures like werewolves.  Even as adults, he regularly sent them on risky hunts, some of which could’ve ended up killing them if they’d been alone (for example 1.02 Wendigo would’ve killed Dean if Sam hadn’t been there), without checking up on them, not even when they called begging for help or telling him one of them was dying.  And for all his talk about protecting them from the demon, what truly put Sam and Dean in the most danger was his insistence on keeping them completely in the dark about what they were up against with Azazel and his plans.

The emotional abuse took several forms.  The most significant was forcing Dean to be responsible for raising Sam and even taking care of John himself while Dean was only a child.  This is called parentification, which is well-documented as being extremely damaging to the parentified child, as well as harmful to the child(ren) they’re forced to care for.  There was the constant emphasis that everything else, particularly protecting Sam, fighting the supernatural, and avenging Mary’s death, was more important than the boys themselves, particularly Dean, and what they wanted.  There was the constant moving around every few weeks or months, coupled with the emphasis on secrecy and only trusting family, that made it impossible for the brothers to establish and maintain relationships outside their family and a few trusted allies.  John himself admitted to being a drill sergeant instead of a father and was apparently so critical that Dean didn’t believe it was actually him in 1.22 Devil’s Trap or 2.01 In My Time of Dying when told John was proud of him.  Both brothers’ self-esteem, abandonment, and codependency issues began with how John treated them.

Despite all that, if we look at the Mary that was brought back in 11.23 Alpha and Omega and then completely ret-conned in S12-14, then I’d have to choose John as the better parent and character.  John had many, many flaws as a father as described above, but there was no doubt that he loved his sons deeply and had the best intentions for his mistakes.   In contrast, Mary was consistently cold and showed little indication that she cared about her now-grown sons, refusing to get to know them and preferring to spend time with nearly anybody else.  

One could excuse her behavior at first as needing time to adjust after the shock of everything in her life changing, but that only worked for so long and didn’t justify abandoning them for months, working with a group that had hurt one of her sons (since Toni being a rogue was BS IMO), preferring the company of a sociopath like Ketch over theirs, lying to them about the BMoL and putting them at risk as a result, picking the AU hunters over them and dismissing their sacrifices as a result, and so on.  One could also point out that John suffered worse--being abandoned by his father as a child (as far as he knew), surviving the Vietnam War, watching his wife die horrifically, learning a demon had plans for his son, etc.--and still managed to give a damn about his sons.

Mary’s portrayal since her return destroyed pretty much everything good we knew about her character previously, above and beyond the reality that who she really was wouldn’t live up to the idealized version created by a grieving widower and toddler son.  No one, least of all Sam and Dean themselves, expected her to cut the crusts off of sandwiches and tuck into bed men who were now older than her.  But learning that she continued hunting after marrying and having children made the earlier version which hated hunting a lie and instead created a woman who didn’t care what might happen to her family while she hunted and didn’t do a thing to safeguard them from her deal despite still being active in the life.  John was thrust traumatically into the supernatural world and didn’t have any choice but to become a hunter and do what he could to protect his children, even if he did screw up significantly along the way.  Mary had the choice to completely remove herself from the supernatural to give her family a normal life or to using her hunting abilities to protect them as much as possible, but she did neither.

[kinkyuus]

» Word Count: 2,507 words Cross-posted on AO3

This was an ask from the main! Thank you for requesting :3 (Note: I’m posting them separately ‘cause reasons. Sakusa’s going first!)

“Could you please not sit on my bed in your outside clothes?”

The edge to Sakusa’s muffled words unknowingly triggers the reflex to roll your eyes at him. “For the record, you’re more disgusting than I am at the moment, Kiyoomi.”

He grunts, narrowing his eyes into a glare as he shifts under the covers. A sigh escapes your lips when your gaze drifts onto the sheets of paracetamol on his nightstand. God forbid the day Sakusa Kiyoomi catches the flu. Yet here he is, confined in the solitude of his room as he paves his way on the road to recovery.

Komori made it a point that Sakusa wasn’t allowed to step inside the common room at the risk of spreading his affliction to his other housemates. But something tells you that it was the libero’s sly attempt at payback because everyone knows that Itachiyama’s resident germaphobe is brutal when he’s in the vicinity of a sick person, not letting them five meters near him at all times. How the tables have turned.

Your eyes then saunter back to the poor creature in front of you. The mask he donned limits your glimpse at his face, but you can tell from the flushed color of his skin that he certainly isn’t at top notch condition. Sakusa is pale, but it turns out that there’s still room for desaturation when he’s running a fever.

“Is Komori at practice?” he asks in a throaty voice, hauling himself into a sitting position with his elbows.

“Probably,” you offer, pulling out your phone from your pocket with the intention of leaving Komori a text message. “No one was lounging in the common room when I got here.”

Sakusa’s eyes meet yours and nods. “Why are you here?”

You shoot him a bizarre look, crossing your arms over your chest as your bottom lip swells into a pout. “Am I not allowed to visit my boyfriend when he’s sick?”

His face mask shifts, giving you the idea that he’s wrinkling his nose under its guise. “I still believe you’re ensnared by today’s standards for a relationship.”

“What do you mean?”

Sakusa spares you a pointed stare. “You told me last week that you have other matters to attend to today. Did you really cancel your plans just to see me in this pitiful state?”

Had he uttered those words to anyone else, they would take offense. But you’ve been around him long enough to understand that he truly means no harm when he questions other people’s intentions for their kind gestures. Your lips tug into a sly smile as you quickly typed in a message to Komori, informing him that you dropped by their dorm to give the quarantine patient a visit.

You turn to Sakusa once the message delivers. “You know how other people become concerned when a person close to them gets sick?”

His face contorts, furrowing his brows. “What about it?”

“Well, just imagine the worry I felt when I found out that the person I know that’s least prone to any kind of illness winds up under house arrest because of a flu.” Your hand inched closer to his on the smooth covers. When your fingers touched, a familiar warmth spread across your chest when Sakusa didn’t jerk away from the contact.

The tension on his face relaxes at your sentiment. He heaves a sigh, carding his other hand through the inky tufts of his hair. Sakusa then proceeds to mumble something incomprehensible under his breath.

“What was that?” you urge, scooting a little closer to him.

“The rain,” he articulates gruffly. “I jogged in the rain yesterday.”

You blink, but your surprise lasts for a second when it’s overtaken by a fit of giggles spilling from your lips. Sakusa steels his gaze at your reaction, but you don’t think much of it.

“That’s all right, Kiyoomi,” you coo. “A person’s immune system isn’t perfect no matter how much you avert yourself from bacteria.”

His glare doesn’t ease up, frigid hostility outlining his features. Sakusa hates being belittled in any way even if it was meant as a jest. But you’ve mapped your way around his quirks and habits a long time ago. You knew the protocol when his annoyance is beginning to sizzle.

You kick off your sneakers before climbing under the covers with him. The sudden invasion of his space chinks the armor of his belligerence, making him drop the hard-eyed stare he’s been holding for a while now.

Your arms weaseled themselves around Sakusa’s broad shoulders, holding his feverish body closer to you. He grunts once but doesn’t make any moves that suggested he wasn’t pleased with your forwardness. If anything, he seems to be leaning into your touch.

“If you keep glaring at me, you’re going to get wrinkles when you get old, Kiyoomi,” you chide, nuzzling yourself further into his chest. As expected from the clean freak, he faintly smells like a laundromat. But his own distinctive scent mingles with the fabric softener, diffusing an aroma unique only to Sakusa himself.

This time he doesn’t make any noise in retaliation. Instead, Sakusa shifts to his side to face you. Even through the several layers of clothes in between, you can feel the taut muscles shifting under his sleeve as he settles his arm around your waist. The intensity of his gaze makes you squeak and you’re forced to put a few more inches between the two of you. However, your sudden timidness doesn’t escape his notice.

“Do you not like it?” He arches an eyebrow.

“‘Course I do, stupid Kiyoomi,” you grumble, hiding your reddening face in his chest. “I’m just not used to it when you cuddle me back so soon.”

His dark eyes soften at your proclamation. He clears his throat, resting his chin on the crook of his neck. The fabric of his face mask brushes against your skin and you’re hyper aware of the steady breaths filtering through it.

“Komori once told me I could be a downer at times,” he admits.

You hum as you reach a hand out to drag the mask beneath his chin, exposing his chiseled face to the cool air of his bedroom. Something akin to distress flashes across his eyes for a split second but you have the mind to ease him with a soft peck on the corner of his mouth.

“You think I’m still bothered by your perpetual hostility, Kiyoomi?” You giggle.

“Perpetual?” he echoes, craning his head to the side.

“Everyone calls you a genius, but you’re totally oblivious off the court.” You sigh.

“I am not very sure I like the sound of that, (Name).”

His words are met with a playful smack to his chest. As you drink in the sight of the boy before you, you wonder why everyone thinks of Itachiyama’s ace as an indecipherable force of nature. It’s probably because most only saw him reaping victory after victory in each volleyball game the team competed in. The way he carries himself with unrivaled gallance may have contributed to his image significantly as well. But at the end of the day, Sakusa is still human. He’s capable of falling ill like this; capable of being spread vulnerable. He even laughs at the occasional joke from Komori shared over lunch sometimes. Sakusa is no god, but not a lot of people are given chances to get to know him in a different light, and frankly, he doesn’t want to be thought of as anything less either.

You’re simply one of the lucky ones who get to witness him without his walls up and barbed.

As he leans in to ghost the shape of his lips onto your own, you can’t help but grin at the way his eyes dip half closed at the sight of you.

“I don’t remember you being this impatient, Kiyoomi,” you tease, trailing a finger across the pair of beauty marks dotting his forehead. It’s only when you’re this close to Sakusa that you can fully observe him eyeing you with subtle desire through thick lashes that would make any woman envious.

“Blame it on the fever.” The sultry purr that underscores his words spell out a challenge, and you want nothing more than to take it.

Note to self, make Kiyoomi run in the rain more often. Fevers bring down his inhibitions.

The warmth of his lips slants over yours without a moment’s hesitation. Your fingers immediately entangle themselves in his mess of curls, tugging lightly to encourage more ferocity. A groan rumbles somewhere low in his chest as he yanks at your waist, not allowing an inch of you to remain out of his grasp. You sigh against his mouth and Sakusa takes advantage of the opportunity to slither his tongue inside. His appendage swirls with your own with a sloppiness that feels foreign to you. But his eagerness only serves as a catalyst to the growing heat in the pit of your stomach.

One of your legs hooks itself around his hip, pressing your bodies flush against each other. His skin is hot to the touch and you’re slowly becoming engulfed in the flames of his unspoken desire. But Sakusa doesn’t have to utter a sound to let you know just how deep his hunger plunged. The evidence is in plain sight—his impending arousal springing forth from his sweatpants.

Momentarily, you break away from the union of your lips, to which he responds with an aggravated click of his tongue. Before he can resume his assault, you climb over his body, accommodating his hips on either side of your thighs. From this view, you can clearly see that the short exchange dyed his previously flushed face a few shades redder. Wild locks of his obsidian hair spill across his pillow in loose ringlets. Sakusa’s respiration comes in quick, uneven breaths as his fingers dig into your hips at his waning patience.

“I think…” You tilt your head downward, eyes penetrating through him. “I’m starting to like you better when you’re sick.”

Sakusa simpers for a moment, composing himself so that his back is pressed against the headboard. The look in his eyes beckons you closer and when you comply to his wishes, one of his hands find purchase tangled in your hair, while the other holds your hips in place. You aren’t able to stifle the moan that resonates in your chest when he begins sucking greedily across the column of your neck, fisting your hair to grant him ample access to the tenderness of your skin.

He pulls away for a fraction of a second to completely remove the face mask, discarding it in a crumpled heap on the floor.

“Kiyoomi,” you mewl when he bites down particularly hard on a sweet spot, igniting your desire for more friction between your legs.

A soft growl escapes him before he finally captures your lips once more, trapping the lower line of your mouth between the edges of his teeth. He surrenders his hold on your hair and teases the fabric on the hem of your shirt, fingertips grazing the skin of your hips.

“May I?” Sakusa’s voice is raspy and very much unlike him, but his plea is met with your urgency to simply feel him without any barriers of clothing separating you from each other’s need.

He drags the material of your clothes over your head, tossing it somewhere behind you on the bed. Sakusa’s lips curve into a lazy smirk, one finger hooking beneath the strap of your bra to bring it down from your shoulders. He mirrors the action on your other shoulder, but his attempt to completely liberate you from the confines of the cotton material is intercepted by your hands prodding underneath his own shirt.

“I want to feel you,” you plead, desperate.

His tongue swipes across his bottom lip before hastily ridding himself of his own clothing. Your lips part in a breathless gasp at the sight of him bare. Volleyball truly does wonders to a high school boy’s body, and that’s evident in the prominent lines and contours that mar Sakusa’s chest and abdomen. Your eyes lock with his in a heated gaze, and you can see a sheen of sweat lining his forehead.

You chuckle, leaning closer to his ear. “I was told that the best way to cure a fever is to sweat it out.”

“That’s a complete lie and you know it, (Name).”

When the sound of Komori’s voice sings in your ears, you violently jolt away from Sakusa, clamping your arms over your chest at a pathetic attempt to shield the last shred of dignity you have on you.

The libero chuckles as Sakusa glares at his intrusion, draping his blankets over your half naked form. “Komori, I thought we made it a point to knock if we have business with each other.”

Komori shrugged. “I did. You’re just too caught up in the throes of passion to hear, I guess. Plus, you didn’t put a sock on the doorknob.”

“A sock on the…?” you trailed off, suddenly recalling their house rule of stuffing a single sock on the outside doorknob to let all the house’s residents know that the denizens residing in a room aren’t to be disturbed. You’ve always remembered that one precaution whenever you came over to pay Sakusa a visit while feeling a little frisky. But today, you had no intention of jumping your boyfriend since he’s sick. All the actions leading up to this moment were driven by the mad temptation that permeated the air, and God—

“I’m going to give you five seconds to get out of here, Komori,” Sakusa speaks flatly, the threat in his words as clear as day.

But like you, Komori isn’t the least bit fazed by the ace’s ill-disposed words. “No can do, Sakusa. The coach wants a word with you.”

“I’m sick.”

“Not sick enough to want to bone (Name), though.” Komori shrugs. “I think you can haul yourself to the gym, given that she gave you the ample energy boost.”

The scowl Sakusa gives him provides you a sense of comic relief. Just a few minutes ago, you were about to dive into your own pooling desire, but now your plans have been abruptly derailed.

“Go.” You pat him on the shoulder, tossing him the shirt he discarded earlier. “I’ll wait.”

He narrows his eyes at you. Then at Komori. But he ultimately resigns himself to his responsibilities with a defeated sigh. Sakusa climbs out of his bed, putting his shirt on as he glares at his teammate.

“I still have to grab something from my room,” Komori informs. “Tell me when you’re done kissing her goodbye, Sakusa~”

When the door closes behind him, Sakusa pulls you to your feet. Confused, you let him do as he pleases. But when he leans down to your ear, the heat of his breath sends a shudder rocketing across your spine.

“I’m not done with you yet.”

[blurry-fics]

Chapter Eleven

Prove Me Wrong | Series Masterlist

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2219

Author’s Note: Small disclaimer - I have never been to the Great Lakes and therefore know nothing about what they are actually like. The beach in this chapter is based on my experience with the actual ocean, so I apologize if it isn’t entirely accurate! Anyway, I can’t believe we’re officially halfway through this series already. I hope you enjoy the chapter :)

“My shorts!” you yelped as the wave splashed up and soaked the brim of your shorts.

“What did you expect to happen?” Tyler called from the safety of the coast. “You’re up to your knees in water!”

“At least I’m having fun!”

Tyler sighed and crossed his arms, shooting you yet another disapproving look. You had spent the entire afternoon trying to get him to join you in the water, but he was indignant about staying on the dry sand.

Before the next wave hit, you started to wade back to shore. This, of course, involved a lot of awkward limb movement as you tried to fight against the tides flowing back towards the lake.

“Yeah, that looks like a blast,” Tyler said as you joined him just out of reach of the waves.

“Tyler, we did not come all the way to the beach for you to watch me play in the water alone.”

“I’m having a great time!”

You rolled your eyes, “You’re wearing socks! And Vans! On the beach!”

“And?”

“Take them off.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re coming in the water with me. Right now,” you demanded.

“What if our stuff gets stolen?” he asked as he pulled off his socks.

“I would consider it a good thing, considering how beat up your shoes have gotten.”

“They’re my show shoes!”

“Then why are you wearing them at the beach?”

“Because they’re also my only shoes.” You laughed as Tyler placed his things in a neat little pile in the sand. “Ok. Take me away, water.”

“Dork.”

You grabbed his wrist and dragged him into the water alongside you. It took you awhile to convince him to get past water that was ankle-deep, but you made it happen. He actually seemed pretty happy in the lukewarm lake water.

“See? Is this so bad?” you asked, finally dropping his wrist from your grip.

“I guess not.”

He turned to you with the all-too-familiar dorky grin on his face. You grabbed your phone from your pocket and opened up the camera.

“What was that for?” he asked as you reviewed the photo.

“I just like to document things that happen. Don’t act like you don’t know that,” you smiled.

Tyler kicked idly at the water, creating little ripples that bumped into your leg. You turned out towards the horizon and watched a few boats that were cruising along the calm waters. It was peaceful.

That is, until Tyler decided to make sure it wasn’t.

Water splashed along your side, almost completely soaking the fabric of your t-shirt. In an instant, you turned to see Tyler with his sleeves pushed up and a devilish smile on his face. He was preparing to splash another heap of water at you, but stopped when he noticed the expression on your face.

“Ty-ler!” you yelled. “You’re going to pay for that!”

“Try me,” he grinned, already jumping through the water away from you.

You chased after him, attempting to toss water at him whenever you got close. Most of your attempts were in vain, and running around in the water was only soaking your clothes even more than they had been. From the looks of it, Tyler was facing the same issue.

“My clothes are wet now,” he frowned, pulling at his shorts a little.

“Serves you right.”

He shook some water off his hands before turning to you, “Hey, the sun is starting to set. We should go get our pizza and grab our stuff from the car before it really kicks off.”

“Good idea.”

The two of you waded out of the water and headed back towards your favorite pizza place. When you were about halfway down the sand, the strap on your flip flop completely snapped.

“Aw man,” you sighed. “That’s an issue.”

Tyler turned and started to walk backwards, “What?”

“My shoe. It’s busted.”

“I think I have a pair of Maddy’s shoes in the back of my car. You could wear those, if you want.”

“That’s great, but how am I going to get to the car with a busted shoe?”

“I have an idea,” Tyler grinned.

You started to ask what his plan was, but you stopped when Tyler bent down in front of you. With a laugh, you hopped onto his back and wrapped your arms around him.

“You know, I could probably make it down the rest of the beach without my shoes,” you said as Tyler carried you along the sand.

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t want the princess to hurt her poor feet.”

You rolled your eyes, but decided not to make a comment since you were kind of relying on him for the time being. Besides, you weren’t about to risk losing an opportunity to be this close to him.

Tyler left you on a bench outside the pizza place while he went inside and ordered pizzas. He couldn’t have been gone for more than ten minutes before he was outside again, carrying two boxes.

“This is going to be a bit awkward,” he said, looking between you and the boxes.

“Here, set the pizzas down,” you instructed him.

He did as he was told. You then hopped onto his back and grabbed the pizza boxes, which may have involved Tyler nearly dropping you head-first onto the bench you had previously been sitting on. Thankfully, that didn’t happen and the two of you were able to laugh about the entire situation. Now with pizzas in hand, you headed back towards the car to grab things for your little fire.

“Look who’s wearing Vans at the beach now,” Tyler grinned as he handed you a pair of Maddy’s shoes.

“Not by choice!”

“I still don’t want to hear another word from you about me wearing Vans at the beach.”

“And socks!”

“Hey! What did I just say?”

“Sorry,” you giggled.

“Come on, let’s go claim a good spot on the beach before they’re all taken.”

Tyler grabbed a few things from the back of the car before slamming the trunk and leading the way back towards the beach. The sky was just barely beginning to turn pink, but you could already tell that the sunset was going to be gorgeous. You were so busy admiring the sky that you nearly tripped down the stairs that led to the sand.

“Careful,” Tyler laughed, holding out a hand to keep you from falling over entirely. “I don’t want you destroying the most precious thing on this beach right now.”

“Aww, Ty,” you smiled.

“I meant the pizzas.”

“Ty!” You lightly smacked his arm.

“But I guess it would be pretty bad if you got destroyed too.”

“Oh, wow, thanks.”

You found a good spot a decent distance from the water that was sheltered by a log. The wind protection would make starting a fire on the beach a whole lot easier. Tyler wasted no time in dumping all of his materials out into the sand and beginning to construct a little fire.

“How does that look?” Tyler asked, gesturing to his little pile of sticks.

“Like an unlit fire.”

Tyler shot you a look as he dug the small box of matches out of his sweatshirt pocket. You munched on a piece of pizza while he attempted to light the newspaper he had used for kindling.

“Is that working?” he asked, leaning down a little closer to the tiny flame.

“Careful!” you said, using your free hand to grab at his shoulder. “Or you’re going to singe an eyebrow.”

“That might be a good look.”

“It most definitely would not be.”

The fire slowly continued to grow larger until it was burning steadily. Tyler, now happy with his creation, sat back on the sand next to you and grabbed his pizza box. The sun was much lower in the sky now, turning most of the clouds shades of pink and orange.

“Thanks for building a fire, Ty,” you said, turning to look at him.

“No problem.”

Golden light was shining over him, highlighting all of his features. He looked absolutely perfect as he ate his pizza in the dimming light. You couldn’t resist pulling out your phone to take a picture of him.

“What are you doing?” he asked, noticing your camera in his peripheral vision.

“The light on you is really nice right now. I just wanted to capture the moment.”

Tyler made a cheesy face at you, but you simply sighed and shook your head. Gently, you reached out and pushed his chin so that he was looking out towards the lake again.

“Just stay like that,” you said, taking a moment to find the perfect angle.

After taking a couple pictures, you scrolled through them just to make sure they weren’t blurry. They had turned out looking almost as good as Tyler did sitting right next to you.

“Wow, you’re perfect,” you muttered, followed by the immediate realization that you had said that out loud. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

“I take it the pictures turned out well?” he grinned.

“Um, yeah.”

“Take one of me eating pizza!”

Your face was still burning as you took pictures of Tyler eating pizza. He had a slice stuck partly in his mouth, but he was looking at the camera with the best puppy dog eyes that he could muster. You giggled the entire time you were taking photos.

“That’s definitely going on Instagram,” Tyler said as he looked over the pictures. “Look at that smolder.”

“You did not just say that.”

“I did and I’m proud of it.”

You sighed and stuck your phone back into your pocket. Right now, you wanted to focus on the sunset and spending time with Tyler. This was the most at peace with everything in your life that you had felt for awhile and you didn’t want to waste a second of it.

You finished your pizza just as the sun was disappearing below the horizon. Next to you, Tyler was warming his hands by the fire. He turned to look at you.

“Was your pizza good?” he asked.

You nodded. “Yours?”

“Great. I wish the pizza places in Columbus were that good.”

“But now this pizza is special when we come to the beach.”

Tyler sighed and leaned back on his hands. You pulled your knees a little closer to your chest and held your hands towards the fire. The sun going down had significantly dropped the temperature on the beach and you were suddenly very glad Tyler had built a fire for the two of you to sit around.

“Oh, hey,” Tyler suddenly said, reaching for his backpack. “I have a song for you.”

“For me?”

“Well, for you to hear. I didn’t write it specifically for you.”

Your stomach sank a little bit, but you were still happy that Tyler wanted to play a song for you. He carefully pulled his ukulele out of his bag and began to tune it.

“Have you been carrying that around all day?” you asked.

“Uh, yeah,” he grinned. He took a few more moments to finish tuning his ukulele, then turned to you. “Ready?”

“Yes.”

The melody that he played was slow and simple, but it made you smile nonetheless. After the short instrumental intro, Tyler began to sing.

“I do not know why I would go in front of you and hide my soul.”

You didn’t recognize the song, so you were hanging on to every word just in case Tyler decided never to play it for you again. Despite the fact that Tyler had told you the song wasn’t for you, you couldn’t help but feel like he was trying to send you a message.

No, that was just you getting ahead of yourself.

“What did you think?” Tyler asked as he strummed the last note.

“I loved it,” you smiled. “What is it called?”

“Screen. It’s something that I wrote for the next album that Josh and I are working on.”

“If that’s anything like the rest of the songs, I can’t wait to hear it.”

Tyler smiled, “I can’t wait to play the rest of them for you.”

The two of you spent the rest of the evening sitting on the beach and enjoying the warm fire. Tyler played more songs for you, although most of them were ones that you had heard before or covers of songs that the two of you liked. Eventually, it started to get late and your fire was hardly more than a few embers.

“We should go,” you yawned. “My parents are going to start worrying.”

“Agreed.”

Tyler packed up his things while you kicked a bit of sand over the fire to finish it off. Although you could no longer see the lake, the sound of the waves crashing against the shore was still audible. 

“Good idea to come to the beach,” Tyler said as you started to walk back towards the car.

“Thanks for coming with me,” you smiled. “It was a nice way to start spring break.”

Tyler wrapped an arm around you and pulled you into a side hug, which ended up being a bit awkward with all of the stuff that the two of you were carrying. Even still, you appreciated the gesture.

If only more days could be like today.

*     *     *     *     *

Taglist

@faceofcontvsions @ohprettyweeper @spookyjiimfanfiction @addictoftwentyone @svintsandghosts @gaiatheroyalrabbit @iamnotawasteofspace @patdsinner33 @merandlune @addictwithaheavydirtycheetah @schrodingersjustine @ccfffee @frappeitea @gayy-pilotss @coolcxt @donttellaweirdweakling @a-stumpsexuals-world @5secondsofmoxley @breadbinishigh @summer-wasteland @topownsmyheart @wearebxnditos @littlerachelbee

[girls-scenarios]

To Feel Human (Part 2)

Idol: Irene (Red Velvet)

Prompt:  Could you make android au with Irene and fem!reader? The reader created Irene and wanted Irene to learn about human feelings. Although, sometimes Irene feels like she’s a burden to the reader and leaves temporary. At the end, she comes back they love each other ❤️

Writer: Admin Lee

A/N:  Hey everyone! I’m so sorry about the hiatus I’ve been on recently. To make a long story short, there’s been a lot going on for me, so I hope you can understand! Anyways, I hope you all enjoy the second part to this scenario, I put a lot into it! I hope the ending is what you wanted btw, I’m not too sure it came out the way I wanted it to. (small warning for cursing)

Part 1 

Weeks had passed, and Irene had now adapted fully to living in your home. You kept your colleagues updated on its progress periodically (however, you were cautious about revealing its name change to them, so you kept that information to yourself), always being sure to mention anything particularly exciting that occurs. The android was also attempting to warm up to your dog which was, without a doubt, entertaining. Walter would sometimes jump up onto the robot while it was sitting on the couch, causing Irene to become startled and assume a very rigid position until the droid called for you, pleading for you to call the dog away from it. Though, the progress was visible, and you could slowly see an improvement in Irene’s behavior towards your furry friend. You hadn’t seen the LED show as anything other than blue since the night that the android had chosen a name. Which coincidentally, you also hadn’t seen any other notably ‘human’ actions or thoughts be shown by Irene since then either.

That evening, you were making dinner when Irene had come into the kitchen with Walter in tow, ready for his evening meal.

“Hey, Irene,” You called, prompting the android to look at you. “Would you like to come into town with me tomorrow? I have some things I need to get and I might need your help.”

“Yes, I can surely accompany you on this excursion. However, will I not be noticed by the general public? This,” The droid gestured to its LED. “will be problematic to conceal, will it not?”

“I can take care of that.” You replied, a gentle smile making its way onto your features.

-

Following dinner, you brought Irene to your room, which was for time being, converted into a home office of sorts.

“I took a computer from the warehouse to make it easy on myself in case anything minor needed to be adjusted.” You stated, starting the computer up. What you had in mind was a simple physical change. The skin on the android could be manipulated over small areas in case of a cut or other injury in order to protect what lies inside the android. This function could also be used for cosmetic purposes, though not necessarily meant for them. So, you asked Irene to turn around where it was standing, and move its hair to the side, revealing the port that was visible on the nape of its neck. You then hooked up a cable to the computer, then to the port in the android. After finding the correct setting to adjust, you had the android’s synthetic skin cover the LED, and within a few minutes, completed the entire procedure. You removed the cable and shut down the computer, patting the android on the back to let it know you were finished.

“There we go, it shouldn’t be visible now.” You assured.

“Thank you.” Irene uttered, turning around to face you. “ Will it stay like this?” It gestured to its temple.

“No, you can change it if you want,” You replied with a gentle tone, watching as Walter padded into the room over to where you were sitting, and as you absentmindedly pet him you continued. “It’ll be easy to monitor the state of your neural net with the LED visible, but in public it needs to be concealed, you know? This way I won’t have to ‘plug you in’ every time we go out or something.”

“I see. Then is that all you required of me?”

“Well, yeah, for the moment. I was gonna go to bed soon.”

The conversation had ended rather awkwardly, with your reply being the final addition to you and the android’s exchange. Irene exited the room, presumably to go to its own, while you sat in your room with your head in your hands. The android was definitely not up to par with its personability, however, it was slowly (very slowly) improving. You always had the option to go in and alter her interface to be more friendly, but you felt that was...wrong in some way. It had already been ‘awake’ for weeks now, working and improving, and you didn’t want to risk taking all of that progress away for the sake of it being artificially friendlier. You were sure it would get there someday, and patience is a virtue, so you decided you would let it take its own time.

-

Once you came downstairs in the morning, dressed and ready to go, you found Irene already waiting for you near the door.

“I have put Walter in his kennel for the time being. He has been fed and given a bone to chew on so he does not become restless.”

“Oh, thank you,” You replied, patting its shoulder before going to open the door “You ready to go?”

“Yes, I am.”

With that, you went out to where your car was parked, and you were off. It was only a couple minutes’ drive into town, and once you got there, it wasn’t too long before you had arrived at your destination. After parking the car, you opened the door on the other side for Irene. The android got out of the car, and shut the door behind itself. It then looked at the space before it. Small buildings and shops were spread out in the outlying town where you lived, only about a half  hour drive from the nearest big city. It was quaint and comfy and peaceful. Not many people were out today, as it was rather overcast. Irene seemed enamored of the small town, and you remembered it had never really been walking around one before. So maybe today could be more than just getting things for home.

-

The mandatory shopping was soon out of the way, and with Irene’s help, it had gone even faster. The android stayed close by you at all times, and only spoke to you in hushed tones, to all appearances, nervous. You thought it was just a precaution, maybe even a little bit of paranoia, but you brushed it off, not thinking much of it. Not wanting to leave the town yet, the two of you took a little scenic route around town, and you pointed out certain things to Irene and whatnot. It looked almost as if it was enjoying itself, and you could see its eyes light up ever so slightly sometimes. Eventually though, it was time to go home. And within the hour, you were back in time to feed Walter a late lunch.

The rest of the day passed quietly. Irene had made the LED visible again, and you were able to see the continuous blue glow on its temple once more. The night came soon enough, and you had wanted to watch a movie, so you sat on the couch, browsing through possible selections.

“Hey Irene,” You called.

A small “Yes?” was heard from the upstairs room, with subsequent footsteps coming down the stairs and into the living room.

“Do you wanna watch a movie with me? I thought you might like to.”

“If you would like me to. Have you decided on a genre?”

“Yeah, I want you to.. Please, sit down,” You gestured to the space on the couch next to you. “And no, not yet. Could you pick? I don’t really care. I’m going to get something to drink, I’ll be back!”

Irene looked at you with a quizzical expression as you walked out of the living room. It then chose a relatively new action movie. “This particular movie has received positive reviews. I believe you will enjoy it as well. I will wait to play it until you return.”

-

The movie was intriguing, to be sure, but with 3 or so beers and rather large glass of cheap wine, your focus wasn’t often found on it. Rather, it was the android that had caught your attention. It had mentioned it essentially watched the movie in its entirety already, but that it would stay to accompany you. However, it seemed just as interested in it as you previously were - before your head grew fuzzy and she had become all the more interesting. (you meant it. It’s a robot).  You quickly turned back to the movie, worried that it would catch you staring like a deer in headlights, and attempted to catch yourself up on the minute or two that you had missed. The dim yellow flash from Irene’s LED wasn’t noticed when you snuggled up closer to it. (Sure, being a homebody had its perks, but could also be very lonely. You would just call this a lapse in judgement tomorrow, and you doubted the android would think much of it.)

-

At some point during the movie, you were practically draped over Irene, and it wasn’t too concerned with moving you.

“Is this position comfortable for you?” It inquired innocently, though you could sense tension in its body.

You nodded. “Are you? Comfortable, I mean.”

“My comfort is irrelevant.”

You sighed, resting your head in the junction between its neck and shoulders. “It was really lonely, even with Walter around, before you got here. Did you know that?”

“No, I did not.”

“I’m glad I got to be the one to take you home.” You mentioned softly, yet Irene’s audio receptors could pick up your voice with crystalline clarity.

“Has my companionship been beneficial to you? Have I fulfilled the purpose you’ve created me for?”

“You’re more than that. More than just ‘fulfilling a purpose’, I think..” You trailed off. It was late, and you didn’t notice how tired you were until your eyelids began to feel as if they were being pulled close. Inevitably within a few minutes you were fast asleep.

Irene waited for a few minutes, then picked you up from off of the couch, careful not to jostle you too much, and carried you to your room bridal-style. This was an easy task for the android, as it was significantly stronger than any normal human. Upon setting you down and covering you with a blanket, Irene watched you for a moment in thought.

It didn’t want to concern you with the small hiccups of its LED, didn’t want to alarm you with the fact that it was picking up so much more than just how to be a household companion. You had just confirmed its thoughts in your own words.

It was feeling like it was more than just a robot meant for amity.

In truth, ever since CX100 had renamed itself, it hadn’t gone into a proper rest state. Instead, choosing to stay up and mentally prepare for the next day - what to cook, wear (and it had stopped having to use your clothes once you finally remembered to Irene some of its own. It noted you could be very forgetful at times), etc. But additionally, it thought of you. The things it discovered you liked, or hobbies you had, personality quirks, the list goes on. It treated you awkwardly because it was unsure of what to do. The android wasn’t sure what had happened, but the installment of the behavioral programming in tandem with the already embedded neural net gave way to some unforeseen system errors (the android deduced this would be the only proper diagnosis of the situation). The reason it was treating you weirdly was largely because it was scared. Scared of the possibility of you discovering the errors, the chance that you could decide to trash it for a new, better android who wouldn’t have these malfunctions, or completely wipe it. It kept silent. It knew what it was like to feel human, and Irene couldn’t go back.  

-

You woke up later than normal the next day. It was oddly quiet downstairs from what you could hear from your room. Getting down into the kitchen, you discovered that Irene wasn’t there, as it was usually preparing breakfast around the time you woke up. Additionally, you could hear Walter whining from his kennel.

‘Had he not been let out? Where was Irene?’ You asked yourself, muttering these and other similar questions to yourself as you let Walter out, then deciding to search the house and yard outside in case the android was there.

She (you meant it. fuck.) wasn’t. It wasn’t anywhere in the house or around it. Your mind was going a mile a minute. Did Irene leave? If it did, where did it go, and why? Panic set in, and you dashed up the stairs to your room, grabbing your phone and finding Jihyo’s contact with a shaky hand.

After a couple of seconds of ringing, Jihyo picked up.

“Hey, what’s up? I wasn’t expecting your -”

“Jihyo,” You interjected. “It’s missing. CX100 isn’t at the house and I’m freaking out. I don’t know where it could have gone or why it did -” Your frantic tone was evident as your speech sped up and you stumbled over your sentences, your thoughts too fast to get out coherently.

“Woah, hold on,” Jihyo, being the level-headed individual she was, attempted to calm down over the phone, so you could accurately tell her was was going on.

“I- I don’t know where Irene went, and I’m scared. What if it gets hurt? Or found out? What am I gonna do?” You took a deep, shaky breath. “Jihyo, it’s all my fault.”

“I’m coming over. I’ll be there with help soon and you can explain everything. We’ll find the android.” Jihyo stated calmly, and then said her goodbyes, hanging up the phone afterwards. Irene found itself almost outside of town as 1 o’clock struck. It was cold, overcast, and about to rain. Irene was suddenly thankful for the fact that it couldn’t get cold so easily. It accessed its GPS function, opting to go towards the warehouse that it was created in. Though this wouldn’t be the most ideal place to go off the grid, it was a start. The walk would be long, nearly 3 hours at a steady pace. However, if it ran, it could cut the time in half. There were back roads that could be accessed so as not to cut through the woods or go near the highway, and soon it was off. 

-

Within the hour, Jihyo had arrived along with Kyulkyung, Eunwoo, and Yoojung. 

“We were all free at the time, so we wanted to come help.” Yoojung spoke first, looking at you with a sympathetic expression. 

They walked in, taking a look at the house that was now in a state of complete disorganization. Walter trotted up, and wagged his tail, licking each one of your guests’ hands and receiving a pet in return as they went into your living room. 

“Do you know when the android left?” Jihyo asked.

“No, I woke up around noon and it was already gone.” You replied, now somewhat collecting yourself as you sat in chair adjacent from your couch where your friends went to sit. 

“Is there any reason why it would have just left? It’s weird that the android would suddenly just develop free will like that, you know?” Eunwoo inquired, resting her chin on her fist, brows furrowed in thought. 

“Unless it was something that went wrong after we had finished running diagnostics the first night, it would be hard to tell,” Jihyo added. “Had you checked its programming for any sort of errors?” 

“The only time I would have seen anything was when I altered its skin to cover the LED for when we went into town yesterday and nothing stood out to me as malfunctioning. The LED wasn’t covered up when we got home, and that would’ve showed if anything was wrong.” You replied, running a shaky hand through your hair. 

“Yeah, that’s true.” Kyulkyung remarked. “Well, whatever the case may be, we still need to find it. God knows what that android is up to all on its own. Is there any way of tracking it?” 

“There should be. I doubt that my computer here can do it, but if we get to the warehouse, there should be a way to find out where Irene is.” You answered. 

“Irene?” Jihyo repeated. 

Oh. 

You remembered that you hadn’t told them that just yet. 

“(Y/N) you have to realize that it’s just a robot that’s meant for companionship. It can’t be human, it can’t feel anything. Why’d you name it?” Jihyo continued, brows furrowed. 

“Jihyo, is that really important right now? I mean, that android just means a lot to me.. None of you have been around to see how much - how much  more than a robot she is.” You explain, exasperated and worried sick. Your friends were watching you with concern as you paced around the living room. “

Okay - hey - (Y/N), we’re going to find her, alright? Let’s go to the warehouse.”

-

The drive to the warehouse was silent, the lack of sound looming over the car passengers like a heavy fog. It was raining outside. You had arrived within the hour and you wasted no time pulling open the large metal sliding doors, revealing the insides of the warehouse you had used not that long ago. Suddenly, a chorus of metal parts resounded throughout the moderately-sized building. 

“What was that!?” Eunwoo exclaimed, clutching Kyulkyung’s arm in slight fear.

 “I’ll check. It might just be a raccoon or something. After all, this place has been vacant for a little while.” Jihyo replied, stepping towards the direction that the noise came from. 

You trailed a couple feet behind her, also curious as to what the sound was. And you weren’t as much of a scaredy-cat as Eunwoo was. Yoojung also looked on in concern, seemingly hoping that it wasn’t a raccoon (you knew she wasn’t particularly fond of them - at least when they were feral). 

When the two of you got near the back corner of the warehouse (where the sound had come from), Jihyo was the first who had discovered what actually had caused it. You were just a second later, and saw Irene huddled in the corner. She looked terrified, and her LED was glowing a bright, angry red. You realized that this meant she was under extreme duress, and you couldn’t blame her, this probably was scary. You were the first one to speak. 

“Irene?” You called with as gentle of a voice as you could. You didn’t want to frighten her any more. She didn’t reply, just looked at you with wide, teary eyes.

“Irene. Please come out.. No one’s going to hurt you.” You continued, attempting to calm her down in any way you could now. What mattered most is getting her stable, then you could deal with everything else. 

“I am malfunctioning. You’re going to shut me down right? Wipe my neural interface?” She finally replied. Her voice was shaky and unsure, and her LED was still a vivid red.

 “I wouldn’t do that to you, don’t you know that? I remember what I said to you. You’re meant to do more than just fulfill a purpose. I don’t think you’re malfunctioning, you’re just learning what it’s like to be human.”Irene’s LED had dimmed out to a orange-y color, and you could tell she wasn’t visibly as on-edge as she appeared to be moments ago. But still, her face couldn’t betray the flurry of emotions she was experiencing in this moment. 

“Please Irene,” You spoke again and extended a hand. She took it after a moment, seemingly still unsure about the whole situation. She was standing in front of you now as Jihyo and your friends looked on, partly in awe and partly shocked; they didn’t know that CX100 - Irene - could be capable of real feelings. -

At the end of the day, most everything was relatively calm. You had taken Irene back home after an afternoon of tears and explanation. The whole team was called down for a play-by-play on what had transpired, and though they had a lot of questions that couldn’t really be answered at the moment, they had all accepted this phenomenon as a positive one. However, they would still definitely have to keep it under wraps for the time being, after all, it was quite the anomaly. After it was all over, the rest of the night was spent trying to get Irene comfortable again. 

You think that she realized you had no intention of hurting you, because who would go to the lengths you had if you weren’t concerned with her well-being? Walter was all over her, too, as he was very glad his other companion was back home again. It was going to be a long road for sure, but it would be worth it. 

[heka-write]

Merlin Rewrite #6: Morgana and Gwen’s Relationship

This relationship between Gwen and Morgana is not really talked about much in the fandom nor the show, and I think that’s a shame. I touched upon this friendship in both Morgana’s and Gwen’s respective posts, but I feel like this topic deserves it’s own focus. 

We always knew that the main friendship of the show was between the two guys Merlin and Arthur. They took the center stage of the conflict as the manservant and the King. Their interactions started out tumultuous but later they grew to care about one another as close friends. 

The Morgana and Gwen friendship was set up as a perfect foil to Merthur. Inversely, they started out as close friends but later became enemies because of their alliances. However, this direction of their relationship was not because the writer’s gave them the time and attention they needed to develop, but merely because that’s what parties they were coincidentally on. Gwen was on the good side, so Morgana had to hate her when she turned evil, even though it didn’t make any sense. 

Their Relationship on the Show

We saw snippets of Morgana and Gwen interacting in season 1. They have a friendly relationship, and Morgana is very kind to her despite being her mistress. Morgana came to Gwen’s defense when she and her father were both put in jail, and even tried helping her father free himself later. Gwen risks her life in helping Morgana save Mordred, and they both team up together to help Merlin later on. Even though they had a lot of great moments showing their friendship, they were always in the background of the conflict, never at the forefront like Merthur. 

Then Season 2 came around. Gwen started spending a lot more time with Arthur and Merlin, and whenever Morgana wasn’t the center of the episode she seemed to be missing entirely. We got a good display of their friendship in “Lancelot and Guinevere” when Morgana does everything in her power to get a rescue squad sent out to Gwen but that was about it. After that, their interactions all but stopped and Morgana turned evil and everything went down hill. 

This lack of interaction made absolutely no sense to me because Gwen seemed to trust Morgana. Would she really not say a thing about her feelings for Arthur to Morgana? Wouldn’t Morgana be for Gwen X Arthur because she didn’t believe in the class system? Or maybe Morgana would try to push Gwen onto Lancelot knowing he likes her and is also a civilian like her (thus furthering that love triangle like the show was trying to do already)? These are the types of scenes I’d expect form Morgana and Gwen but we didn’t get them because the writer’s stopped caring about Morgana’s relationships after they decided to make her evil! 

Like I said in my Morgana rant, Morgana suddenly turned evil in season 3 for no reason, and in turn, suddenly started hating Gwen for no reason. 

Morgana comes back in season 3, heartlessly murdering anyone who comes in her way. The murdering part is very OOC, but her anger is somewhat in character. To some extent she understandably hates Merlin for betraying her, hates Arthur for idealizing Uther, and hates Gwen...for some reason. She is willing to use Gwen and her brother as bait for Arthur (even though she almost turned against Uther to save Gwen’s father previously), has a dream where Gwen becomes Queen and FREAKS out, and callously tosses her life aside numerous times. Morgana’s treatment of Gwen was probably one of the things that made her “transition” to evil very OOC and unbelievable. There was no reason for Morgana to hate Gwen so much. Even her anger at Merlin and Arthur didn’t justify the extent of her violent behavior, so her anger at Gwen made even less sense. Again, it was just another way for the writers to toss aside Morgana’s character complexity to give the show a steady villain. 

In reality, if Morgana really went to the dark side she wouldn’t target Gwen so much because she saw Gwen as one of the people Uther targeted.

How it Should Have Been Done 

Merlin and Arthur have so many big and small moments showing their dedication to one another, showing how they grow together. Arthur has made big sacrifices for Merlin and vice versa. However, the problem with the show was that after season 1 Merthur became more important than everyone else. Every relationship, including Morgana and Gwen’s, took a backseat. Like I mentioned in my first rewrite post, the conflict between Merthur (the magic revelation) didn’t happen at the very end of the series, so there was no separation or time for them to interact significantly with other characters. It would have been much more beneficial for the show to give all the characters dynamic relationships that allowed them to interact with each other and explore different sides to their personality.

I would also have Morgana and Gwen’s relationship start off good, hit a roadblock, and have them find their way back to each other. Their relationship would be great until Morgana turns to the dark side (but doesn’t completely turn evil, again only doing so to further her own purpose). 

Gwen would want to be loyal to Morgana and help magical people, the way she helped with Mordred. However, Morgana joining the side that directly opposes Camelot would give Gwen pause, because she grew up in the Kingdom and loves it and wouldn’t want anything to threaten it. She would be conflicted between her friend and what she perceives as a threat to her home. 

I can see Gwen turning completely against Morgana when she learns (somehow) that Morgana was ultimately the one responsible for her father’s death. Gwen begins to resent magic as it was the cause of her father’s death, and in turn begins to resent Morgana for partaking in magic and hurting her father. As Gwen grows closer romantically to Arthur, she begins to resent Morgana as well and this puts a strain on their friendship. This situation would give a more complex view on their relationship and have it go bad gradually and realistically. This type of revelation would also help in Morgana’s struggle in finding the right way to fight for magical people’s rights without hurting others. 

At this point, Morgana would be away from Camelot, figuring out her own path and dealing with the dark forces without becoming unreasonably evil. Like I mentioned before, I could see a situation where Gwen is kidnapped and Arthur goes to save her, and Morgana tags along to help because even though she resents Arthur, she still cares about Gwen. She not only proves to Arthur she is loyal and good hearted but also to Gwen, who she risks her life to save. This situation would help soften both Arthur and Gwen’s hearts to magic but also help Morgana see that she can work with them to make the world a better place, and not against them. In the end, she’d still go back to going rogue, but a progression in all their relationships would happen that would be a stepping stone in her coming back.

 I would also have Morgana realistically react to the idea of Gwen becoming Queen. I think the real Morgana, if she went rogue, wouldn’t hate the idea of Arthur marrying a servant, in fact I think she would be impressed by it. Morgana since the beginning had the impression that Arthur was just going to turn out like Uther, but him marrying non-royalty would be one more proof to her that he is capable of changing the old ways. It would give her one more reason to come back to Camelot (with a peaceful way of bringing magic back). 

The more I think about it, the more I know that Morgana written after season 3 was OOC as hell. 

Another aspect I’d include in their relationship would be the female perspective of the show. What I mean by that is that the show revolves around Merlin and Arthur but rarely explores the troubles Gwen-Morgana had to deal with in being women in a time where they didn’t have rights, and had a lot more restrictions. Instead of having the Gwen-Morgana bond shoved aside to glorify Merthur, I’d have their bond complement it in ways that enhance both relationships and all the characters involved. 

[monsters-demons-and-ai-oh-my]

What We Lost and What We Have:

Chapter 6:  Sock puppets, stomachaches, and what you really learn in college

In which we meet a very strange nurse, talk about teen drug use and the plot thickens.

TW: Conversations about recreational drugs, questions about suicidal intentions, and brief mention of throwing up

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

AU somewhat inspired by Episode 2x20 - What Is and What Should Never Be, and the season 14 storyline concerning Jack’s illness.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

AO3 Link

Previous Chapter

First Chapter

Complete Tumblr Chapter List

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Sam and Dean both decided to give the Kline’s a little space after after the incident with Jack’s lunch tray. Ironically both brothers using the excuse that they hadn’t had anything to eat since they arrived early that morning.

Jack seemed on the verge of mortified tears afterward and for selfish reasons or not neither wanted to be the one to push him over the edge.

The kid was already embarrassed enough.

The doctor had told the brothers (much to Dean’s chagrin) that at least one of them should come back in later that evening as they had a few more background questions for all of them once Jack had a chance to rest.

There was only so much the doctor was willing to do when they still didn’t know what was causing Jack’s symptoms but when Jack’s nausea refused to fade and several more bouts dry heaving literally drove Jack to tears they finally gave him anti-nausea drugs that had the added benefit of finally putting him back to sleep.

Getting a few hours of rest (plus something new the doctor gave him via IV to help with the fact he hadn’t eaten for a day and a half) seemed to perk Jack up a bit. At the very least Jack seemed a lot more calm when he woke up around three hours later.

Though, that could have also been the low dose of narcotic painkillers doctor Hannah also decided to give despite the risks when Jack’s stomach pain was bad enough to cause his heart rate to skyrocket.

It wasn’t enough narcotics to make Jack start accusing innocent staff members of being out to suck his blood again, but it was enough to render him quiet and subdued… and not at all like the Jack Castiel knew.

-

‘He could only watch and try to comfort Jack as he got sick and then hugged his stomach, literally crying with the pain the action caused him…’

-

A quiet Jack was better than a sobbing Jack, but it still terrified Cas.

It threw him back to sixteen years previously when Jack was first born, made him feel like he was failing Kelly all over again…

He remembered when Jack was four and a half and afraid of long clawed demons under his bed. ( strangely specific child that he was ) Then Castiel could consol him and promise to protect him from any monsters .

When Jack was seven and John died and Jack tried to run away from home, ( only getting so far as the neighbor down the street who lured him in with cookies and called Castiel ) he’d been able to reassure the traumatized boy that his parents and the people around him didn’t die because he was close to them.

-

“...you’re not cursed Jack, I promise… and I’m not planning on leaving you alone any time soon.”

-

But this…

Castiel couldn’t promise everything would be okay, he didn’t know how to fix this, he didn’t even know what this was…

Every little twitch Jack gave in his sleep, every harsh intake of breath was like an electric jolt to Cas’s heart, terrifying him that Jack would start seizing again.

By the time that Jack was awake again and Cas was able to call the Winchester’s back in he was thirty-six hours without sleep and felt on the verge of a mental breakdown.

“Med student party here yet?” Cas heard the now unfortunately familiar voice of Dean Winchester over his shoulder.

“No…” Cas said dully, hand tightening over Jack’s as he broke into another fit of harsh wheezy coughs.

-

‘The antibiotics either weren’t helping the pneumonia or were taking far too long to kick in for comfort.’

-

“I...I don’t really feel up to p-party,” Jack muttered with a tiny wry smile.

“You feeling any better buddy?” Sam’s voice was a little more tolerable.

“They gave me more drugs?” Jack said bluntly, perhaps the amount of pain meds he was given was still enough to make the teenager a more aloof if not completely loopy.

As scared as Jack must be Cas didn’t have it in him for him to be upset with Jack being a little… high, as it were.

-

‘Anything to keep away the horrible tears of pain.’

-

“They’re waiting for me to let them know you’re here…” Cas explained quickly to the brothers reaching for the nurse call button and using the moment to compose himself.

“I thought we were done with all the questions?” Dean sighed pacing by the window like nervous rather unimpressive tomcat not looking at anyone.

“Well apparently they didn’t get what they needed last time.” Cas tried not to think that more questions meant the doctors were at a loss with what answers they did get.

“It probably had something to do with you ‘scaring the crap’ out of the person who was recording them…” Cas glared choosing to believe that instead.

Dean’s eyes narrowed for a moment and he opened his mouth as if to say something scathing but Sam surprised Castiel by speaking up.

“Well whatever the reason pointing fingers won’t help anyone,” Sam said taking Dean’s old spot by the far end of the bed. It seemed like while Sam was rendered relatively unable to function when it came to Jack that same reservations did not stand for confronting his argumentative older brother or Castiel.

“So how about this time we all sit down, and shut up, and get this over with and then neither of you will have to see each other again if you don’t want to…” Sam said with an air of aggressive calm, folded his hands in his lap.

Jack eyes seemed to dart between each one of them tense and nervous, clutching at the sheets without a word.

Castiel felt a pang of guilt in his chest.

He and Dean took their seats… quietly.

They sat awkwardly like two children who’d just been chewed out by the principal until the silence was broken by a knock on the door.

Well… a series of knocks… to the tune of… Yankee Doodle?

Jack’s eyes darted between his uncle and the door like he wasn’t sure if he actually heard what he thought he heard or if the drugs were just kicking in.

“Come in?” Castiel said hesitantly.

The door opened and in stepped not the nervous med student, but another more suspicious looking individual.

Another… nurse?

“Hello,” said the strange skinny man in seemingly oversized giraffe print scrubs. He had a smile about as appropriate for the tense atmosphere as sunbather in a snowstorm, “My name is Garth but you can call me nurse Fitzgerald and I’m here to help Jack and you all with a patient history today.”

Dean shot Sam a confused look that was ignored.

“What happened to the other g-guy?” Jack hacked into the back of his hand, looking wary of having yet another stranger in his room.

"Well, Kevin was having a bit of a hard time, so the head nurse wanted someone with a bit more experience to finish it,” Nurse Fitz-… Garth shrugged the left sleeve of his scrubs dangerously close to sliding off his narrow shoulder, “they send me in when things get a little hinky,"

"Hinky?" Castiel's eyebrows rose.

"Well I say hinky," Garth smiled, "I think it's a much nicer word than the one nurse Master's used... that I won't use in front of a child.

The child in the room looked mildly offended.

"Or what was written on the chart," he picked up Jack’s chart clipboard off the end of the bed and flicked it significantly, “which is… ''disorderly"."

Dean scoffed, "Please, we weren't "disorderly”,” he drew quotation marks in the air.

The strange skinny man just continued to smile shrugging, "okay well you made poor Kevin cry in the on-call room so I wouldn't exactly call that "functional behavior"."

Dean’s mouth opened looking defensive but for a second time the words were lost behind an interruption.

“Sorry…” Jack said quietly, clearing his throat, “they… they mean well… I think…”

“We should… probably apologize to this Kevin though…” Castiel said sheepishly.

“Probably…” Dean muttered noncommittally refusing to look at Castiel.

“What’s that?” Sam spoke up suddenly sounding confused, everyone turning to see at what he pointing at.

I appeared to be a strange looking… sock with lips? hanging of Nurse Garth’s scrubs pocket.

“Oh him?” the nurse pulled the object out his pocket smiling at it fondly before slipping it over one hand, “This… is Mr. Fizzles.”

He opened and closed the sock puppet’s mouth in Jack’s general direction as the boy looked on warily pressed against his pillows.

“A lot of kids find a friend easier to talk to than a stranger, especially when in a big scary place like the hospital.”

He looked at Jack expectantly.

“I...I think I’ll pass…” the teenager said turning a little pink.

Garth seemed mildly disappointed but shrugged and surreptitiously tucked the sock back in his pocket picking back up the chart.

“Well Kevin’s handwriting started getting illegible at… drugs…” he looked up expectantly at Castiel’s affronted face.

“He had a tablet of ibuprofen about seven hours before the seizure and then a second four hours later, but no Jack does not do drugs,” Castiel said flatly.

“I think… he was asking Jack…” Sam said carefully watching Jack who was refusing to look back, scratching at the adhesive over the line in his arm.

“I don’t… do drugs…” Jack said quietly.

Castiel gave nurse Garth a satisfied “see” look.

“But there was… this one time,” Jack coughed sheepishly.

Everyone was suddenly staring at Jack who seemed to be trying to disappear into his hospital mattress.

“Jack…” Cas’s heart sunk more disappointed than angry, he didn’t have a chance to ask why before Jack cut him off seeming desperate to explain.

“It… it was just one time… Noah offered me a hit?” his eyebrows drew together and he looked unsure at the terminology, “of a joint he had?”

Dean gave an impressive little huff earning him a dirty look from Cas.

“Don’t look at me, I didn’t go to college…” Dean shrugged, shooting Sam a knowing smile he refused to return.

“It was just the one time though!” Jack said quickly looking at Cas pleadingly, “It was really, really gross and… and I never did it again!”

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” Castiel asked exasperated, trying not to show Sam or Dean how hurt he was. What made it worse was he knew how stereotypical it was for a parent to think their teenager would never lie to them. Half the parent teacher conferences he had to call at the high school were dealing with people under such delusions.

“I… I didn’t want to get Noah in trouble…” Jack mumbled biting his lip and refusing to look Cas in the eye.

“Noah?” Castiel mentally ran over his shortlist of acquaintances Jack talked about and came up empty. “Wait… Noah Ophis?” Castiel felt completely at a loss when Jack’s blush seemed to confirm it, “Jack… wasn’t Noah the one who locked you in the school gym’s weight room and then stuck gum in the lock so we had to call maintenance to disassemble the door to get you out?”

“It… was never confirmed…” Jack muttered turning brighter red glancing back between his older brothers as if expecting them to laugh.

“How long ago did you ‘get silly with Mary Jane’?” Garth broke in on the tense moment seeming unbothered.

Jack looked extremely confused for a long moment, “Six… months ago?”

Garth wrote that down, “well it’s probably not that then, the devil’s lettuce only lasts like… a few hours, unless you snort it that’s worse...”

Castiel really did not believe that was an actual way people consumed marajauna… he had gone to college after all.

Cas suppressed the need to start in on a long speech about peer pressure, lying, and the dangers of underage recreational drug use (especially when you didn’t know the source), but now was not the time, not now with as Jack as sick as he was. He would be taking advantage of a secret Jack only willingly told because he was scared for his own safety, and Jack’s health might rely on him being honest with his doctors.

Though Cas was relieved when the next question was, just “Do you have any animal friends?”

-

He felt his confidence as a surrogate parent had taken enough of a hit for the moment.

-

“Well… I have Felix… but I don’t know if he thinks of me as a friend, I’ve read their brains can’t really process that sort of thing?” Jack’s eyebrows furrowed in thought.

Sam’s eyebrows rose nearly to his hairline.

Maybe the drugs had a stronger effect on Jack than Castiel first realized.

“What is Felix?” Sam looked completely at a loss.

Jack blinked, “A corn snake,” he said like it should be obvious.

Dean seemed to recoil slightly and then snorted, a very, “of course I’m going to judge the character of a kid I don’t know based on the fact he keeps a snake…” noise.

That was a big mistake… Castiel knew Jack was fairly shy but he’d been on the wrong end of one of Jack’s, “I must defend the honor of snakes everywhere,” speeches before when the Jack was first trying to convince his uncle to let him keep Felix.

“Felix is really great!” he insisted, probably louder than he should have judging by the short fit of coughs that followed. He cleared his throat before croaking, “N-not only do corn snakes eat d-disease carrying pests, they're really gentle, and they’re easy to breed in captivity, and they’re from the US so they... they don’t c-contribute to the… the e-exotic pet trade…”

Castiel remembered vividly Jack showing up in his classroom clutching a shoe box the day before winter break, nervous but determined. He’d gone into a spiel about how a boy had brought the snake to the lunch room to show it off but the boy was planning to kill it at the end of the day with a rock because he thought it was ‘kinder’.

“He said he couldn’t get it to eat, but! he only tried one thing and... and you can’t let him do that, he doesn’t deserve that…”

He’d practically begged Castiel to let him keep the snake, “even if it was just for a little while,” and then spent the next week researching and trying to feed it different things, bringing everything from bags of frozen mice to eggs and minnow into the house before he’d had success.

Cas remembered the huge grin on Jack’s face when he finally succeeded heard him whisper, “see you’re going to be okay now,” into Felix’s enclosure when he thought his uncle wasn’t watching.

Jack dissolved into another fit of coughing near the end of his snake rant, doubling up as Castiel laid a worried hand on his shoulder.

“Fine fine kid jeez…” Dean raised his hands in mock surrender, looking mildly alarmed, “I believe you, don’t lose a lung over it…”

“Snakes are great you’re just a mean,” Jack muttered breathily with one laugh hacking cough, sinking wearily back in his bed. The short bout of passion seemed to have taken a lot out of him.

“I don’t really like snakes, I’m sure they’re great but the way they look at me makes me nervous y'know?” Nurse Garth Gave a shiver, no one knew what he meant. “Also they can carry salmonella…”

The nurse spent the next half hour asking more questions of various degrees of embarrassment. Each answer the brother’s gave grew increasingly bored and each answer Jack gave getting softer as he grew increasingly drowsy.

Any energy Jack gained by resting seemed to run out of him like water through a sieve and soon he had fallen back asleep. Castiel knew seizures could take a lot out of a person but this? This felt different. He breathed deeply to calm himself down, told himself he never finished nursing school, let alone medical school like the doctor’s taking care of Jack.

-

‘He was in good hands…’

-

He carefully straightened Jack’s blankets, trying not to listen to the wheezy quality of Jack’s breathing even in sleep.

“Did you get all the answers you needed?” Castiel asked quietly, not wanting to interrupt and of the sleep the boy managed to get.

The nurse smiled looking a little too pleased with himself, “yup just about the entire thing, I don’t know what Kevin was upset about you all seem like very nice people.”

Dean looked up mildly guilt pulling his hand back from where he’d been trying to fish the sock puppet out of Garth’s pocket, while Sam hid his face in his hands. “Yeah… um… so it’s fine for us to take off now?”

-

‘Of course…’

-

Garth nodded satisfied, “yeah, visiting hours for everyone but parents are ending soon, and the kid looks like he’s had all the fun he can handle for today.”

Castiel just nodded in agreement trying not to seem to eager carefully fixing Jack’s mussed up hair, “I think he’s had enough of strangers for now…”

That was enough for Dean who left with one last indignant puff of air but Sam stayed back for a moment tettering as was his custom in the doorway.

“Call if something changes?” he asked, like he was half unsure he should say the words.

Cas offered a tight smile, “sure…”

-------------------------

Sam and Dean left for their home and hotel respectively the nurse leaving soon after to give Castiel and more importantly Jack some time to rest.

The nurses mostly let Jack be through the evening only coming in once or twice to record his vitals and give him more of the drugs the doctor prescribed earlier, Jack thankfully remained asleep during the visits.

He seemed mostly stable much to Cas’s relief though that could have just been due to the pain and nausea meds masking the worst of his symptoms. It wasn’t until Jack reached a full twenty-four hours without another seizure that Castiel finally let himself relax.

It wasn’t until much later, half past midnight that the doctor came in again.

Castiel had finally fallen asleep in a recliner chair one of the nurses graciously brought in when they realized he was staying with Jack for another night..

-

‘They’d explained it was standard practice for when a parent stayed with their child on the ward…’

-

He’d been woken rather unceremonious by doctor Hannah pulling a cumbersome looking machine into Jack’s room.

“What’s… What’s going on?” he asked dumbly rubbing at his face, the confusion quickly turning to alarm when he saw the look on the doctor’s face.

Her face was mostly calm, but her eyebrows were furrowed and her mouth was pressed in a thin tense line.

“I… need you to wake up Jack…” she said something worrying in her calm voice Castiel couldn’t quite identify.

Castiel immediately began to panic head snapping up to the monitor of Jack’s vitals. Everything seemed the same, except the fever which had risen to an even hundred degrees.

“Is… What’s wrong?” He asked in as hushed a tone as he could manage.

The doctor gave him a reassuring smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

“I just need to check something…” she said unhelpfully.

Castiel tried to breathe evenly and remain calm as he gently shook Jack’s shoulder.

-

‘What was so bad you’d wake a sick kid in the middle of the night?’

-

He gently shook Jack’s shoulder, calling his name, Jack barely moved, his eyes twitched and he let out a soft cough.

Castiel frowned shaking his shoulder a little more forcefully eliciting an unhappy groan from Jack as he rolled away as far as the tubing on his face would allow him.

-

‘At least it was confirmation he wasn’t comatose or something…’

-

“The painkillers he’s on can have a sedative effect,” she frowned, “it’s always best to try to wake someone up naturally but I did bring something if that doesn’t work.

She produced a set of keys from her pocket to unlock the set of rolling drawers the machine she brought was propped on top of.

“Wait,” Castiel quickly held up a hand, “there’s one thing I haven’t tried yet…” he leant down close to Jack’s ear, “Jack… come on you have to get up… we’re going to be late to school…”

Jack tensed up and groaned, “I… I don’t want to, I don’t feel good…” he grumbled face screwing up.

Cas huffed a sad laugh, gently ruffling his hair to keep him from falling back out, “I know Jack, but you still need to wake up.”

Jack finally blinked woefully up at him, “you said I didn’t have to go…” His croaked eyes wandered towards the window as he coughed to clear his throat, “it’s still dark out…” he muttered bewildered.

“I know, I know… you don’t have to go to school, you can go back to sleep... in a little bit?” Cas looked back toward the doctor who offered him another thin smile, neither confirming or denying.

“But doctor Hannah she needs to talk to us… for now, alright?” Castiel said still gently squeezing his shoulder...

Jack just blinked and nodded trustingly too tired to question it.

Doctor Hannah ducked down to his level whispering, “I’m going to turn on the lights now and I need you to roll on your side like before okay?”

Jack looked wary breath speeding up, “P-please don’t stick another needle in my back…”

“It’s okay Jack, I promise I’m not going to do that honey,” she said gently flipping on a switch and making everyone in the room wincing at the sudden brightness, “I just need to run an ultrasound on your back and abdomen…”

Jack looked even more confused, face morphing into mildly suspicion, “But… I can’t have babies?”

Doctor Hannah actually chucked, “No that’s not all we use ultrasound for, and that’s not what I’m looking for…”

“What are you looking for?” Castiel couldn’t hold himself back from asking, fidgeting in the recliner.

The doctor’s face dropped a little before she could stop it, “I’ll let you know if I see it, I… I don’t want to alarm you,”

Her eyes drifted back to Jack with an unspoken, ‘or him’ .

Jack’s eyebrows furrowed but he still did as he was told and the doctor guided him onto his side before pulling down the blanket to his waist and undoing the ties on the upper half of his hospital gown while he blushed pink.

When she carefully began to probed Jack’s back it became abundantly clear the medication didn’t completely numb his pain.

He barely held back a cry of pain between clenched teeth, reducing it to a strained groan, his whole body shaking.

Castiel reach for his hand which was clenched around the bed sheets. “It’s okay Jack… I’m here.”

“Th-that… that really hurts,” Jack mumbled tearfully.

“I know Jack I know…” the doctor said seemingly lost in thought

doing her best to move quickly through prep procedures for the ultrasound. Applying a plastic cover over the wand and spreading clear gel on a portion of his back.

Jack looked like he was trying not to scream when the doctor finally pressed the ultrasound wand into his back, teeth gritted together heart rate spiking.

The doctor’s eyes were fixed on the ultrasound screen beside the bed looking grim and Castiel wished not for the first time that he’d finished his degree so he’d know what she saw.

-

‘All he could do was hold Jack’s hand.’

-

“Shit…” he barely heard the doctor mutter as she set aside the wand and gingerly wiped away the gel on Jack’s back.

There were already already tears welling in Jack’s eyes when she had him turn back onto his back.

The doctor promised to be as quick and gentle as she could as she repeated the process with the upper part of Jack’s abdomen.

Jack was shaking and crying silently by the time it was over, and the doctor was if anything quieter.Terrifyingly lost in thought.

Castiel carefully helped him back into his gown, telling him softly that he did well and could go back to sleep soon.

Jack watched the doctor red eyed and wary gripping the blankets a little too tightly even as he wilted exhausted back against the bed.

The doctor waited until the teenager seemed to have calmed back down before speaking.

“Jack… I’m going to ask your uncle and you some questions and I need you to be as honest as possible, alright?”

The tone of doctor Hannah’s voice set off the already ringing alarm bells in Cas’s mind to a shrieking pitch.

Jack nodded cautiously, “O-okay…” he said shakily.

The doctor began pacing at the foot of his bed hands clasping anxiously at one another.

“You said Jack had a headache a few hours before he had a seizure at the restaurant and that you gave him ibuprofen for it, are you sure it was ibuprofen and not aspirin?”

Castiel blinked, “yes I’m sure I know better than to give a child aspirin, and I even remember the brand I bought, it was Advil…”

“It’s was a blue... package,” Jack said after a moment coughing into his elbow, exhaustion, and illness fogging his brain.

The doctor nodded and resumed her pacing, “and… how much did you give him?” she asked seeming careful about her phrasing.

“A lower dose, one tablet… and then another four hours later…” Castiel said suspiciously, “what is this about?”

The doctor hesitated, “did you see Jack take them both times?”

There was a long pause as Jack looked increasingly upset, “wh-what are you tr-trying to say?”

“What are you suggesting?” Castiel knew full well what she was asking but he couldn’t believe he’d heard it.

“I…” she paused and sighed, “I have to ask it’s very important.”

Jack seemed to understand despite everything, “I...I wouldn’t, I couldn’t d-do that I…” his breathing sped up.

“The first thing Jack asked about when he woke up was school and needing to take care of his pet? Does that really strike you as someone who would try to… to…” Cas paused, “to hurt themselves?”

“I… I was upset and sad after what happened but…” Jack’s forehead wrinkled again as his breathing grew more frantic and his heart rate rose with it, “I wouldn’t, I didn’t do that…” he muttered eyes pleading and filling back up with tears, “please believe me.”

“I know Jack… I do believe you,” Castiel reassured him gently squeezing his shoulder.

A thought dawned on Cas and he reached for his coat still hanging off the back of his chair, “he really physically couldn’t…”

Castiel pulled a small half crushed blue box from the pocket of the coat, “I didn’t even buy a bottle of pills they didn’t have any in the hotel commissary they only had it in a box of packets and there were only four pills to start with…”

-

‘The stupid box had cost a whole ten dollars regardless.’

-

He handed it over for the doctor to see, “and there’s still two left…”

The doctor looked in the box then checked the date on the bottom, but instead of looking relieved like Cas expected…”

She just looked... frustrated?

“Alright… I’m sorry, we had to rule that out as a possibility…” she sighed.

The apology did nothing to placate Jack, who just stared at her distrustfully tears running silently down his cheeks hugging himself still breathing too fast.

Castiel tried to resist the anger and resentment building up in his own chest he knew the doctor was just doing her job, but it was late and the already ill and drug addled Jack was not tolerating being woken in the middle of the night to be painfully prodded, cross examined, and accused of hurting himself very well.

He placed a protective hopefully comforting hand on Jack’s shoulder, “couldn’t you have just tested for a possible overdose in the blood samples you took instead of coming in here past midnight and harassing him?”

“If the problem was being caused by taking too much ibuprofen it would be important to find out and treat as soon as possible.”

“W-why?” Jack mumbled hunching forward red-eyed and shaking his breath coming out in uncomfortably fast puffs, “what… what’s wrong with me?”

He looked how Castiel felt, on the verge of panic.

“Jack, it’s alright I need you to calm down…” the doctor said looking warily between him and the vitals reading on the monitor.

-

‘That didn’t calm him down.’

-

“You… you don’t know d-do you?” Jack sobbed continuing to hyperventilate, heart beating about a mile a minute on the monitors, “y-you don’t…” he coughed, the developing panic attack not helping his already labored breathing, coughing soon turning to wheezing.

Castiel’s mouth became a thin anxious line as he wrapped a supportive  arm around his shoulders.

“Jack?”

The doctor moved quickly back over to the locked set of drawers retrieving a vial and injecting something into Jack’s IV line, “it’s alright it’s okay… just try to breathe deeply Jack…”

Jack tried, leaning on his uncle tears running down his face even when his breathing slowed and he relaxed as whatever drug the doctor gave him took effect.

The doctor and Castiel gently helped him lean back into his pillows as his eyes blinked blearily, “it’s alright… just rest now… you’re alright…”

She didn’t look like even she believed what she was saying as he drifted quickly back into unconsciousness the rise and fall of his chest slowly evening back out.

Castiel felt as if a live wire was clenched between his teeth.

“What happening to Jack?” he managed an impossibly calm tone.

The doctor sighed taking a moment to steal herself before answering. “Most of the tests we have back so far… they came back inconclusive… There was no sign of meningitis or encephalitis in his spinal fluid, no… conclusive signs of infection in his blood at all…”

“But,” Castiel said feeling miles away.

“But… between the blood taken when he was first admitted and a few hours ago, we’ve found a significant increase in his liver enzymes and protein levels and if… they don’t improve in the next few hours I want to look at transferring him to Kansas University hospital…”

Castiel felt like the ground was dropping from beneath him, “and… the pain, what you were testing for just now that was…”

The doctor paused for an even longer moment before answering, “Jack’s liver and kidneys… are showing signs of inflammation… and the blood tests results are signs they’re starting to lose function…”

-

‘Failing… she meant they were beginning to fail’

-

“And you don’t know why…” Castiel mumbled numbly.

The doctor said nothing...

Notes:

Dun dun dun, and the plot thickens, hopefully the introduction of nurse Garth managed to lighten things up a bit before the darker second half and reveal.

If you enjoyed this chapter and have the time and/or inclination please let me know what you thought :) 

[dancer-cotillion]

Rose Thorns Chapter One: Rose Petals

Kokichi stared in horror at the specks of blood on his shirt sleeve. He’d… coughed that up. He clutched at his still aching chest with this other hand. It had started to hurt a few days ago, then he’d developed a cough and now this.

It had to be Kaito’s fault, right? He’d caught whatever Kaito had. Kaito was good at hiding it but Kokichi was better at snooping and now he’d caught it because of that. … Wasn’t Maki or Shuichi much more likely to catch it with how much time and how close they were to Kaito? But they were both fine as far as Kokichi was aware.

It didn’t really matter though. Regardless of the why, where, how, or even if it was the same illness as Kaito’s, this was going to be a huge damper in Kokichi’s plans to end the killing game. He had several general ideas planned out but was still missing a lot of the pieces that would make it even remotely possible and now he had to contend with this too.

He balled his hand into a fist and pounded it down on the library table in front of him, making the book he’d lain open in front of him bounce a little. There couldn’t possibly be a worse time to contract a serious illness.

“You okay?”

Kokichi snapped his head back up to see that Shuichi had entered the library without him noticing. He was now looking at Kokichi with a slightly concerned expression.

“Yep,” Kokichi said with a smile. “Why?”

“Oh, you just looked…” Shuichi’s eyes narrowed. “Is that… blood?”

Right, while Kokichi hadn’t coughed up a lot of blood, he was wearing white, not a good colour to hide a bloodstain. He’d have to start carrying around a handkerchief to cough into if this coughing up blood thing persisted to make sure he didn’t get any on his clothes.

“Yep, I coughed it up,” he said as he snapped to his feet and closed the book with one fluid motion. “I’m actually deathly ill, have been since before I came here.” He put on a sad face, turning his head to the side. “I only have a few months left to live.”

“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry that’s…”

“A lie.” Kokichi snapped his gaze back to look at Shuichi again, smiling. His chest hurt more than ever though, he needed to cough but held it in. “I just accidentally cut my finger playing with the knife again. Don’t worry though, I put a band-aid on it all by myself this time.”

Shuichi frowned his disapproval, crossing his arms. “I don’t know why I believed you for a second there.”

“You’d think you know better than that by now. Anyway, I have important business to attend to.” Like coughing his lungs up in a place no one was likely to see. “I’ll be seeing you around.” He lightly patted Shuichi’s upper arm as he walked by, barely holding onto his nonchalant act as a fresh spasm of pain in his chest took him by surprise.

“See you around.”

 -

As soon as he was safely in his room, Kokichi collapsed on the bed in a coughing fit. It hurt, like a physical thing was scratching up his insides that his body was trying in vain to expel. He was left gasping for air when it finally ended. Unsurprisingly, there was more blood on his shirt sleeve where he’d been reflexively coughing into his elbow, significantly more.

He groaned as he flopped over onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. This sucked, it was so unfair. … It was unlikely to get better any time soon though so…

Once he had his breathing back under control he rolled back over and pushed himself up. Now sitting on the edge of the bed, he reached for his drawing supplies. He had more planning to do, he needed to be prepared for anything and everything, including whatever this new illness was.

 -

The next morning, following a bizarre dream featuring Shuichi that was interrupted by the morning announcement, the ache in his chest was even worse. He had a high tolerance for pain though so it wouldn’t have been a problem if when he inevitably ended up coughing even more blood came up than previously.

He couldn’t let anyone see him like this lest they take advantage of his weakness to murder him. It had been a few days since the trial for Angie and Tenko’s murders. If the pattern up until now held true, they were due for another death soon even if the motive keycard was being kept safe by Shuichi – Kaito had stolen it from Kokichi before Kokichi could find its use. If he was going to die here it would not be meaningless.

So, he waited a bit, giving everyone else time to settle in the dining hall. They’d notice his absence no doubt but none of them would care, in fact they’d be happy he wasn’t there. Not a satisfaction he wanted to grant them yet but he needed to take some precautions.

As soon as he was sure enough time had passed, he finally exited his room and headed for the warehouse. It didn’t take him long to find what he needed: dark coloured handkerchiefs that a blood splotch would be hard to spot on and bottles of cough syrup. He took several of each, especially the cough syrup. Coughing hurt; just because he could take the pain without flinching didn’t mean he wanted to.

As if thinking about it had summoned it, he was suddenly wracked with another coughing fit. Thanks to the handkerchief he didn’t get any blood on his clothes or hands this time. Good. Next, he took a dose of cough syrup, the sooner he could stop coughing, the better. Not that cough syrup could ever fix whatever was making him cough up blood but it would hopefully at least stop him from doing so.

“So, this is where you are.”

Kokichi snapped around to see Shuichi standing there, watching him. “You know it’s not a good idea to sneak up on the Ultimate Supreme Leader.” he said as he screwed the lid back onto the bottle of cough syrup, putting on an evil grin to distract from it. “You might regret it if you know what I mean.”

“Uh… sorry.” Shuichi shrugged, nervous but mostly unintimidated. “You weren’t at breakfast so I came looking for you. What you doing out here? Is that… cold medicine?”

“Yep.” Kokichi held it up for him to see better. “I heard if you drink enough of it you get high.”

“That’s… not what you’re going to use it for though… is it?”

Kokichi opened his mouth to respond with a lie but ended up coughing instead. It hurt and inevitably more blood came up, replacing the medicinal taste of cough syrup with the much more unpleasant taste of blood. Thankfully he had the handkerchief now so Shuichi hopefully wouldn’t see it.

“You okay?” Shuichi asked when the coughing fit finally passed. “That seemed pretty bad.”

“Ugh.” Kokichi folded up the handkerchief and slid it back in his pocket. He looked up to see that Shuichi had stepped closer and looked concerned. Damn, his chest hurt. “No, I’m deathly ill, I…”

“You told that lie yesterday. I’m not falling for it again,” Shuichi cut him off, annoyed now instead of concerned.

“I would never lie. I hate liars.”

Shuichi frowned at him, shaking his head in disapproval. “Go get some rest, I’ll bring you some soup.”

“Aw, you’re going to take care of me Shuichi? How sweet.”

“Well, you’re sick so… yes, I suppose so. Try not to give it to anyone else though, okay?”

“I’ll try… to pass it onto everyone.” Under different circumstances Kokichi would’ve fake coughed on Shuichi. But with how bad his chest hurt he didn’t want to risk it possibly turning into a real cough. “I’m lying of course, I would never do that. … Or would I? Sharing is caring after all, right?”

Shuichi gave him an exasperated look. “Just… go rest please before I change my mind.”

“All right, see you in a bit.”

As soon as they parted ways, Kokichi was coughing once again. Once more, he had the unnerving sensation that his body was trying to cough something up. It had to be just his imagination though, brought on by how much his chest hurt from whatever bullshit illness he’d managed to contract. Hopefully the cough syrup would start to take affect soon.

 -

He answered the door as soon as the doorbell rung. As suspected, it was Shuichi and as promised he’d brought a bowl of soup for Kokichi’s ‘cold’.

“You feel any better?” Shuichi asked.

“Now that you’re here yes.” That was both a lie and the truth at the same, emotionally he felt better, physically he felt worse. “I always feel better when you’re here.”

“Oh uh… um… here.” Shuichi handed over the bowl of soup. It was warm and felt nice in Kokichi’s hands.

“Thanks.” He would’ve said more if it wasn’t for the urge to cough creeping up on him again. “See you around.” He ducked back into his room, closing and locking the door before Shuichi could respond. He placed the bowl of soup on the nightstand and pulled out the handkerchief just in time for his lungs to attempt to hack themselves up again.

At the end of it he was left with more blood in the handkerchief and… a black rose petal? There was another one stuck to his tongue that he peeled off and held up to his face to get a better look at. What the fuck? Of course they weren’t rose petals, he’d coughed them up, that’s just what they looked like – he’d seen enough romance movies to know what rose petals looked like no matter their colour.

Going to see a doctor about this was not option as there were none. Kirumi might’ve served as one – she had knowledge in many areas – but… she was gone. Telling the others wasn’t an option either, they wouldn’t care and definitely wouldn’t help him – except for maybe Shuichi. So he’d have to keep it a secret, like Kaito was doing with his illness. They probably weren’t the same illness though, in all of Kokichi’s snooping he hadn’t seen any evidence suggesting Kaito was coughing up anything that resembled rose petals.

He groaned as he tossed the petals in the trash. He had some soup to enjoy before it got cold, hopefully it’d help him feel better.

Next

[filmaficionerdo]

Best Films of 2018

Best Films of 2018

2018 was not the year for prestige pictures by a long shot.  Film this year was at its best when it came to superhero movies, and as much as I prefer those over most any other entertainment, that shouldn’t be the case, and that’s not what got me into film in the first place.  As happy as I am to see my favorite comic book characters come to life, I got into film because of daring, bold, and outspoken artists who didn’t need a franchise to speak their minds.  Too many mid-range films went to Netflix or other streaming services and they’re mostly of poor quality with a few exceptions.  I miss the days when film studios took risks, but now they only look for the largest IP with the largest net-profits.  It’s sad.  I love Marvel movies more than anyone I know but they shouldn’t be the only reason I look forward to going to the theater.  But this year also sparked a personal change for me because I moved away from the movie mecca of Hollywood to mid-Michigan, where there aren’t any arthouse theaters nearby during peak awards season so I missed more films than I would’ve liked (even though it’s been the most emotionally rewarding experience I’ve ever had) so I hope that helps explain why this list is so late.  I’ve been catching up on independent films via online rentals as soon as I can and still have many left unseen.  So maybe I missed something during 2018, but I can’t help but be letdown by the lack of inspiration I look to when I try to experience the medium I’m most passionate about.  With that being said, I was still able to conjure a list of my favorite 25 films of the year.  So, here goes:

25. Halloween

This was way better than I would’ve expected, especially coming from the guys who brought us Your Highness.  Director David Gordon Green and writer Danny (Eastbound & Down) McBride delivered the first worthy Halloween sequel that’s ever existed.  Their updated and timely subversion elevated this homage-y sequel while adding more fun than this franchise has ever seen.  John Carpenter’s contribution and the opening credits sequence hit hard with me.

24. Ready Player One

Haters be damned, I really enjoyed this movie.  Of course, I never read the book so that discredits me somewhat but what I got was a rousing Spielbergian experience that we haven’t witnessed since Minority Report.  If you hate this movie, but you loved Hook, there’s something fundamentally wrong with what you think a Spielberg movie is supposed to be about.  Ready Player One was a toybox of fun ideas and intellectual properties sewn together for a generation hung up on video games and nostalgia.  It’s definitely not his best but I love seeing a veteran director who still has the ability to dust off his old toys and make pretend.  The Shining sequence was an absolute standout of appreciation and love for another director’s craft.  

23. Sorry to Bother You

Boots Riley’s debut was strong and weird as hell.  This felt like Spike Lee meets David Cronenberg.  It’s funny, nuanced, and insightful.  Riley’s new voice was energetic and angry in the best way.  I saw this later in the year than I wanted to, but I have a feeling that repeat viewings will enhance this films relevance and my appreciation.

22. You Were Never Really Here 

Lynne Ramsay is one of the best and most unpredictable working directors today.  I always look forward to her work, but this semi-Taxi Driver remake was remarkably accessible for her and more powerful than it had any right to be.  If you haven’t seen it, seek it out.  It’s a crisp 88 minutes long and it’s riveting as well as heartbreaking.  There was a uniqueness to the short runtime, violence, and poignant urgency that she handled with deftness.  Joauquin Phoenix was remarkable, brute, and subtle all at once.

21. Ant-Man & The Wasp

Go ahead and agree that this wasn’t the strongest Marvel output in a while, but just like the previous Ant-Man, it’s a palette cleanser from a previous Avengers film.  Ant-Man & The Wasp is maybe the most child friendly film they’ve ever released and it was still enjoyable as hell.  It’s not important.  It’s simple fun.  And I love that Marvel still knows how to craft something that doesn’t want or need to reach for the fences.  Sometimes an inside the field hit is just what we need.  Ant-Man & The Wasp is a damn good bunt.

20. The Incredibles 2

Now that I hang out with a toddler on the reg, watching this movie never gets boring.  I’d know, because she’s watched it with me five times.  Incredibles 2 was long overdue and it’s maybe not quite so worthy of such a long wait considering the original was my favorite film of 2004, but its sequel was still full of exceptional animation.  That sequence with Jack Jack and the raccoon still fills me with joy.

19. A Star is Born

Bradley Cooper’s directorial debut was surprisingly strong.  Filming everything in close-ups was an intimate and innovative way to express a rising star’s personal journey to stardom.  Even though we can all agree that the first half of the film is vastly superior to the tear-turkey-jerky second half, it’s still an important film and a worthy update of a timeless classic.  The music, performances, cinematography, and sound are all exceptional.   

18. BlacKkKlansman

Spike Lee felt reborn with BlacKkKlansman.  Do The Right Thing will always be one of the all time greatest films; no question.  BlacKkKlansman might be his best since.  John David Washington just established himself as a commanding lead, and Adam Driver further cemented himself as a phenomenal actor.  The poetic-ness combined with the satirical edginess made this one significantly heartbreaking watch while being entertaining and iconic all at the same time.

17. The Death of Stalin

I saw The Death of Stalin early in 2018 and it never left me.  Writer/Director Armando Iannucci is a certifiable genius and the controversial nature of a film like this was one of the most refreshing voices of the year.  This is one of the darkest political satires I’ve ever seen but it’s so goddamn funny.  Laughing at something so atrocious and maddening is one of the only ways we, as a society, can heal from dark times in history.  I fully believe it takes the power away from the people who committed such heinous crimes.  It takes time and a brilliant voice, but it holds a mirror to the ridiculousness we’re currently subjected to, and hopefully with time, we can make fun of our situation too.

16. Leave No Trace

Debra Granik finally followed up her outstanding Winter’s Bone debut and she did not suffer from the sophomore slump that so many other filmmakers have.  Leave No Trace is the saddest love letter to veterans that I’ve ever seen even though it’s beautiful and full of hope.  Granik definitely should’ve gotten a Best Director nomination this year for her delicate and heartfelt look at a father struggling with PTSD while living with his daughter in the woods, away from society.  Ben Foster and Thomasin McKenzie are stunning.  This film stayed with me for weeks after I watched it.  It’s a small but hugely important film.

15. Annihilation

Alex Garland previously made his directorial debut with Ex Machina after an incredible script writing filmography.  He’s established himself as one of the smartest and most important voices in science fiction cinema after Annihilation.  This is a heady sci fi film that scared the shit out of me.  I felt uneasy the second the group of women walked into The Shimmer.  Garland adapted the book it’s based on after only reading the book once, but he created something so frighteningly ethereal that it’ll be talked about for years.  The score for this was off the charts good.  Going from an acoustic instrumental to something electronic was what struck me the most as a stroke of genius.

14. Shoplifters

For a film I saw so recently, very few films this year have had such an emotional impact on me.  Shoplifters is a small “family” film from Korean director Hirokazu Kore-eda, but it packs a punch that I wasn’t expecting.  All I knew was that critics loved it and it was up for a Best Foreign Language Oscar.  It’s a powerhouse of social status and what it means to be a family that defies language and cultural relevance.  

13. First Man

First Man hit me hard on a personal level.  I’d sort of written off Damien Chazelle as a director after La La Land underwhelmed me so much, but this film reinvigorated my appreciation in him because the filmmaking here was profoundly beautiful.  The acting is impeccable.  The cinematography was breathtaking.  Seeing this in IMAX (as my last film in LA) was a jaw-dropping cry-fest.  I left the theater shook.  I doubt this film will shake as many as it did me, especially if you missed it in IMAX, but this was the theater experience of the year.  At least recognize that Justin Hurwitz’s musical score was the most overlooked snub at this years Academy Awards.

12. Suspiria

This was another film I’d sorely missed in theaters, but when I finally got a chance to witness it I was blown away.  Luca Guadaninio’s follow-up to my favorite film of last year, Call Me By Your Name, was a worthy successor.  This was less a horror film, and more of an art-house homage to Dario Argento’s original 70s classic.  It’s still a haunting film, but in a beautifully macabre way.  Thom Yorke’s score is absolutely outstanding, as well as the subversively drab look, completely deviating from the originals color saturated visual palette.  It’s a film that has to be watched more than once.  Even though it’s 2.5 hours long, I was completely transfixed the entire time.  It’ll depend on your mood or taste, but if you enjoy artistic, visual, and auditory enhanced horror, Suspiria is among the best. 

11. Mandy

Throw up the horns.  Mandy is here.  Pasmos Cosmatos cerebral horror film is full of the best revenge porn I’ve ever seen.  Nicolas Cage is unhinged (as he should be) in his best performance in ages.  He’s the Cage we’ve been dreaming of since the 90s.  The first half of this film belongs to Andrea Riseborough and underrated character actor Linus Roache, but the second half is all Rage Cage in full gory glory.  Mandy is a film unlike anything you’ve ever seen, but yet somehow it’s still completely accessible.  The title cards for each chapter are something straight out of a Heavy Metal comic book, and the hauntingly beautiful score by the late-genius Jóhann Jóhannsson is simply gorgeous.  Mandy is a film meant to be laughed at and with.  It’s a fever-dream of ideas that work brilliantly as a whole.  It’s a hard one to recommend but if you know, you know.  

10. Eighth Grade

Bo Burnham just burst onto the directorial scene with this film about the awkwardness of being a thirteen year old girl.  Not something you’d expect from a male standup comedian in times like these, especially when it’s handled so delicately and with so much heart, but it feels so important to young kids who’ve been thrown into subjectivity amongst their peers within the digital age.  Eighth Grade can, at times, make you so uncomfortable, and at other times it’ll completely tear your heart out and make you want to hug your dad.  I know, because I saw it in the theater with my dad.  He was like, you’re still the eighth grade girl you’ve always been.  Thanks, dad.  

9. Aquaman

I know there isn’t a ton of hate for this film, but there isn’t a ton of high praise for it either.  Aquaman was exactly the film James Wan set out to make.  It’s one of the most comic book-y films since Age of Ultron except it’s dumb as hell, and for that, I absolutely LOVED it.  This was a throwback comic book film ripped from the pages that was corny as hell and never took itself too seriously.  Aquaman is a damn hard character to adapt so it’s unbelievable that he got this big of a budget that included over-the-top actors like Willem Dafoe and Dolph Lundgren.  Patrick Wilson chews the scenery as Ocean Master and I don’t give a damn what people think of Black Manta; he’s completely awesome.  You could’ve easily cut this film down, but I was happy to live in its oceanic cheesball world for hours.  Aquaman was the comic book movie of the year that was as ridiculous as it was awesome.  I laughed so hard at how stupid it could be, but I couldn’t help but be entertained by how insane it was.

8. Mission: Impossible Fallout

I don’t know how these films keep getting better, but they do.  This was THE action film of 2018.  As much as I love Fast & Furious 5-7, Mission: Impossible 4-6 has been the best run of a long running action franchise ever.  Fallout brought one of the best villains yet in a story that barely makes sense, but I couldn’t care less.  This film was big in that edge-of-your-seat way that rarely comes along.  Thrilling doesn’t begin to describe it.  The IMAX presentation was fantastic.  I live for movies like this.  It harkens back to 80s and 90s action films but presents itself for a whole new era of practical effects extravaganza.  It’s the best action film since Mad Max: Fury Road.

7. Black Panther

There are a lot of people questioning this film’s entry as a Best Picture Nominee, but it absolutely deserves all of the recognition it’s getting.  Ryan Coogler’s Black Panther is both culturally and politically significant as it is cinematically.  This film is a culmination of what Marvel has been growing to.  The Marvel Cinematic Universe isn’t simply about story progression, it’s about cultural progression.  These films represent societal beacons of the times we live in through decades old comic book prisms.  The lore and spirit of the comics are still present, as well as relevant, and the socio-political themes have been injected into them effortlessly.  

A character like Black Panther can be a leader of change within his own cinematic universe.  Marvel’s created something that transcends blockbuster cinema.  Black Panther is now an icon of cultural appreciation that can inspire real change in the real world.  He’s an optimistic embodiment of what we should strive to achieve as a society.  We should share with the world our hope for change.  Comic Book’s have never been so relevant.  Black Panther has never been so important.

6. Roma

Director Alfonso Cuarón’s intimate portrayal of life as a housemaid was one of the most vibrantly affecting films I’ve ever seen.  Every single shot wasn’t just a landscape; it was a mural.  I’ve never seen direction take this angle and provide so much while saying so little.  Some people might’ve felt emotionally disconnected from his style but Cuarón’s masterful direction captivated me like very few films this year had.  There are multiple layers to his visual representation that effect more of what’s seen than what’s said.  It’s not an easy watch and perhaps that’s part of why it was released by Netflix.  Unfortunately, I had to watch this at home instead of in theaters, but I still felt the impact of the themes and presentation.  It’s one of the few Best Picture nominees that truly belong in the category that’ll stand the test of time.  

5. Paddington 2

This was one of the earliest releases of 2018 and it never escaped my mind throughout the year.  Paddington 2 advances upon the original’s tone to encapsulate something that is pure joy.  Paul King directed the bejeezus out of this movie.  I felt like I was watching Wes Anderson meets Harry Potter.  I saw Paddington 2 in theaters with just one mother and daughter couple and it never felt weird.  The only thing that’s weird is that more people haven’t seen this film.  I had a smile from ear to ear the entire time.  This movie is magic.  Like the Harry Potter films, all of the best British actors are present, and Hugh Grand and Brendon Gleeson give their best performances in years, if not ever.  Hugh Grant should’ve been nominated for Best Supporting Actor.  If you haven’t seen this hidden gem yet, do your soul a favor and seek it out immediately.

4. The Favourite

Yorgos Lanthimos is on a roll.  This nutty Greek director began his career with the insane film, Dogtooth, and hasn’t let up since.  But he’s also learned and built from his previous work.  What started as something of a cultish followed career has expanded into prestigious and innovative filmmaking.  I’d nearly missed this film in theaters until I drove across the state to see this with my parents in Ann Arbor, and although it might be one of the worst movies to see with your parental units, we all could agree that this was a uniquely hilarious and thought-provoking experience.  At first, I wasn’t sure what to think because I was too busy trying to avoid talking to my mom and dad about Emma Stone jerking somebody off, but The Favourite stayed with me for weeks and I loved dissecting all of its themes and nuances.  The Favourite is both entertaining and timely.  It’s another one of the films this year that absolutely belong with (and should’ve won) the Best Picture nominations.

3. Widows

Steve McQueen’s Widows was vastly underseen and underrated.  Here’s a director who usually only does vague, cerebral drama, but working with Gillian Flynn as a screenwriter adapting Lynda LaPlante’s 1983 novel about wives finishing the heist their husbands failed to complete before their untimely deaths, is about as pulpy and as timely as you can get.  There are a lot of stories woven into Widows epic crime saga and some critics have faulted the film’s narrative for it, but look at Heat; one of the most prolific crime sagas of all time, which has more subplots than you could imagine, yet it’s still widely regarded as one of the best films ever made.  Widows is the best film of its kind since Heat in 1995.  It still carries the acting heavyweights and still compelled me more than nearly any other film in 2018.

2. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

Into the Spider-Verse is one of the few films in 2018 that has the power to influence cinema for the future.  Not only is it extraordinarily entertaining, but it’s also innovative in terms of style and theme.  No other film in 2018 was this inventive and groundbreaking.  I was definitely excited to see this as a lifelong Spider-Man fan, but based on Sony’s mishandling of the character for years, it had me extremely cautious.  Thanks to Phil Lord and Chris Miller’s impeccable screenplay, I got more than the Spider-Man I’ve always wanted to see.  This is a Spider-Man for a new generation.  He’s not my Spider-Man, he never was.  This film is for everyone, and I mean EVERYONE.  The cell-shaded animation and soundtrack elevated this film into bonafide classic territory.  I couldn’t even comprehend it after I first saw it, because I wasn’t ready for something so new.  Months after I watched this film, I could not stop thinking about it.  Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is so nerdy for the fans and so accessible to the newcomers.  It feels like I’m living in an alternate universe where good movies in 2018 DO exist.

1. Avengers: Infinity War

The *Snap* heard ‘round the World...

Marvel has a good history of taking formulas from other genres and using them as a framing device for their superhero films; political thrillers, space operas, video games, heist films are all borrowed ideas that helped them keep the superhero genre from feeling stale. Avengers: Infinity War is Marvel’s fantasy epic. This is the Lord of the Rings of the MCU. The result is legendary. The Russo Bros. looked at their massive roster of heroes, who audiences have come to deeply care for over ten years, and came up with a way to tell one cohesive world-ending story centered around one villain; the mad titan, Thanos. They looked at Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones, and they saw how well those were balanced, and they applied it to a superhero film. It’s unbelievably well executed. The big reason Infinity War works so cosmically well is Josh Brolin’s portrayal of Thanos. We couldn’t get behind another world-ending event in these movies unless we believed and understood the villain that was behind it all.  Brolin gave Thanos both menace and pathos.  From the moment the movie starts, the stakes feel real. None of the characters are safe because we believe Thanos is capable of anything from the very beginning.  There aren’t many epics where we spend this much time with the villain.  Thankfully, Marvel knows we already care about the heroes, so after building up a ten year rapport between audiences and protagonists it was finally time to focus on the Big Cheese who’s behind all the conflict. This movie is so comic book/fantasy it’s ridiculous.  I loved every second of it and could not wipe the smile off my face nor the tears from my eyes.  I felt like my ten year old self, alone and engrossed in the most epic comic book I’ve ever read.  I was shaken when I left the theater. I turned around and watched it again just 30 minutes after my first viewing, and I couldn’t believe how captivated I was the second time, third time, forth viewing, fifth, sixth, and so on...  Nothing could’ve prepared me for this film and I’m so thankful it exists.

[eabhaalynn]

So you want to be a doctor...

Congratulations on even thinking about this career path! It is undoubtedly a noble one, and one which will be very rewarding. You probably love science, you probably already work super hard at school, and you’ve probably got your own personal motivation that I will never properly understand. All of these are admirable, and I know I was in your position not too long ago.

Over the next few years, and probably over the last number of years, you will have some life experiences that will be truly incredible. These experiences will be inextricably linked to your career choice, and you should be so grateful to have them. My own volunteering in my community, with the FRIENDS group, is probably the most formative experience of my life. It is definitely what inspired me most to be a doctor, and I miss it to this day. More recently, I have got to see incredible doctors at work, both in the UK and US. They are such incredible communicators, saving and changing lives every single day – I am overwhelmed with gratitude and I don’t doubt that these experiences will change your life for the better.

But today, we have to be realistic, so here is the rest of what the last three (give or take) years have taught me about trying to be a doctor…

You almost certainly can do it.

I did my GCSEs at a school where not many people do medicine, and the ones who do are the ‘geniuses’ who don’t know what anything short of an A* looks like. You should all know that I am not one of these geniuses, at all. In fact, I barely remember what an A* looks like. So, as you may expect, when I announced my career plans to my fifth-year careers teacher, she told me that I ‘wasn’t academic enough’ for medicine and would never get to the interview stage of the process, so I’d be better off trying something else. My predicted GCSE grades were fairly unremarkable; 2A* 6A 2B. However, I am far too stubborn to listen to any career’s teacher, so I did try. I tried far too hard and did unexpectedly well at GCSE. Two years on, I am in a fairly similar academic dilemma; but this time I have a firmly accepted offer to study medicine. It’s all about progress. So, what I’m really trying to say is that if I can get a medicine offer, you can too. And please don’t listen to careers advisors who try to tell you otherwise.

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

It’s almost exam season, and you’re going to work so hard and do so well, whatever stage you’re at. After exam time is summer time, and that’s when you’ll have time to have a really good think about what you’re getting yourself into, and why. (I know and fully understand I am only an upper 6thand have no right to talk about medicine as a degree or career – just the application).

Using my own personal experiences, here is what the application process was like for me…

SCHOOLS

Yes, this is a bizarre one. But essentially, I changed schools for medicine. I was THAT committed to the cause. And I promise the application process will still leave you feeling like you want to study anything but medicine.

Personally, I wasn’t too torn up about leaving, but it can be a really big deal. Certain courses require certain A Levels – and for the courses I wanted to apply to I really couldn’t have stayed. This isn’t make-or-break stuff, but it’s not something I gave much thought to until it was almost too late.

GCSEs

These are important exams. Most medical schools will either rank them standalone or on a point system before they interview you. You should definitely study. These are also probably the last exams you’ll sit at school where your hard work is almost guaranteed to pay off – so you’re better off putting in the work now. Better GCSEs would have made my sixth form experience infinitely easier, and worse ones could have made it far more difficult. They are not, however, an ultimatum. They do not define you or your ability to be a doctor.

VOLUNTEERING AND WORK EXPERIENCE

If you’re volunteering to get into medicine you’re doing it wrong. But volunteering for the good of your community and for the good of others, even for the sheer experience of it, is probably one of the greatest things you can ever do. Start as early as you can, and put in all the hours you can, while you can. Some experiences won’t be brilliant, but they’ll be worth it (and some medical schools need it.)

As I mentioned earlier, work experience is incredible, but it can be difficult to organise. Start contacting doctors and healthcare professionals you know as soon as you can. They were very accommodating to me – they’ve all been where we are. It can also be quite consuming, while my friends were making big money in retail, or with their talents (sailing and music namely) I was making tea in hospitals, unpaid. Again, this isn’t a big deal at all, it’s just not something I would ever have considered.

OPEN DAYS

Medicine isn’t the kind of vocation that you can decide to just stay at home to study. You need to accept that if you live in Northern Ireland, ¾ of your choices will not be in Northern Ireland. I am a wee bit apprehensive and so I spent a great deal of my sixth form experience travelling up and down the country, visiting all sorts of medical schools I was thinking about applying to. This has clear financial implications, and I completely understand that it is not accessible for everyone. It’s definitely not a necessity, but its something I’m really glad I did.

Not all medicine courses are the same, not all cities are the same. You’ll be spending five or six years of your life at these Universities, so you’re better to do your research on them rather than wasting a space on your application.

AS LEVELS

Lower Sixth was the hardest year of my school career. I was in a new school (which I love), studying new subjects (which I love), and yet I was really struggling. All of the medical schools I was applying to specified 4 AS levels in their entry requirements – so it was never going to be a fun year. Looking back, I don’t know how I did it. It was far more to handle than upper sixth has been. Study subjects you love, and just accept now that you will quickly stop loving them – especially chemistry. Try to balance a personal life too, because that only gets more difficult with time. In Lower Sixth, I was in a relationship, kept up my volunteering, and even had a job until Christmas. Your academic attainment will probably not be what it was previously, but that’s okay, it will come in time. Surround yourself with all the support you can, get a library membership and use it. Buy textbooks and get a tutor if you need to – again I know this has its financial implications. And please know that you will survive the year.

UKCAT

This is where the shit really hit the fan for me. It will make your A levels look like P5 English. My school were fairly supportive, and even then, I was still left largely to my own devices. I sat mine fairly early, and I’m so glad I did, because it really does have the potential to ruin your summer. Allow a solid three weeks to cram, there are brilliant resources online, and some books available. Again, if your financial situation allows, there is an amazing course that Kaplan run every weekend through the summer and it boosted my score significantly.

There is also the BMAT that certain universities require, I didn’t sit this myself but it’s supposed to be more academic based than the UKCAT. It’s also sat on a single date in October, by which stage you have already applied, and know your UKCAT score and how it sits compared with the average. I wasn’t willing to take the risk and didn’t like the uncertainty, but it is entirely personal choice.

PERSONAL STATEMENT

Do yourself a favour and write this in June. I am a firm believer that lower sixth exams finish early for a 4000-character long reason. I am one of the lucky ones and wrote my personal statement in one draft. There aren’t many people in my position, and I am well aware of how many people were so fed up and drained by this following AS Levels. But it’s so much easier to handle then than it ever could be in September. It’s also not nearly as long as you think it’s going to be – and that just makes everything harder.

UCAS

I sent away my UCAS application on Monday, 10thSeptember 2018. By that Thursday, I had received my first offer to study Genetics at Glasgow. Without meaning to sound arrogant, I could probably have got five non-medicine offers back within the week. But applying to medicine was a completely different ball game. My final ‘UCAS Application Status Notification’ email came on Wednesday 3rdApril 2019. Just a week short of seven months later. It was a rejection from a medical school. My third rejection.

Those UCAS emails give you the sort of fear that isn’t really comparable to anything else. The feeling of being rejected from a University who has met you, spoken to you, and marked your personality as unworthy, seems very personal. It does hurt, but no more than any fall out or heartbreak would. It just hurts differently because it’s a whole institution that has rejected you. This isn’t pleasant, but it is a reality for the majority of applicants and offer holders. So, if it does happen to you, just know you’re not alone.

INTERVIEW

I was very naïve going into the interview stage. Of my four choices, I had three interviews, within three consecutive weeks. I have one offer. Two of the interview processes were friendly, and they were manageable. The third was a truly awful experience. Thus, I think it’s fair to say that the interview process is variable. All of my interviews were in January, right in the rush of A Level work, I even had my attendance reported because of them. MMIs themselves can be fun, especially with relatively supportive examiners. But there is so much preparation required for a medicine MMI and the reality is that you can place in the top 20% of one University and the bottom 20% of another with very similar interviews. They take their toll on you, and are physically exhausted, between travelling, early mornings and the workload of the preparation. It is also, I believe, fair to say, that it can be quite emotionally destructive to have your personality scored and analysed in such a manner.

A LEVELS

Only when applying to medicine do a-levels feel like an after-thought. At this stage, I feel like I have been put through the ringer by this application, and to even get an offer has been more than I ever thought I was capable of. But you do need the 3As, in some of the hardest subjects and exams that boards can write. Its easy enough to forget that, but it is an immense amount of pressure, and it is still my present.

So you want to be a doctor…

I am so grateful to have got this far with my medicine application, and I do genuinely hope I get to study it in September.

There is so little accessible information regarding the details of the process and how to approach it without losing your head over it. I don’t think anyone has cracked it yet, and if they have I wish they’d write a post about it instead of this one.

Ultimately, you have to take care of yourself first. It’s what your doctor would tell you to do. You are more important than any and every stage of this process, and your own mental and physical health should come before every career choice you make. I hope to see you on the ward someday! But even more than that, I hope you get to be everything you aspire to be, whether you decide medicine is for you or not.

[belonglab]

Growing Up Brown in America: When Every Day is Halloween

By Neha Sampat, Esq.

October 16, 2018

(Previously published in News India Times, The Teal Mango, and Thrive GlobaI)

Sometimes, taking off the mask is what is really scary.

I’ve been working on that the past few years. I found myself struggling to process a personal loss, mainly because I was more worried about how others perceived my loss and my reaction to it than allowing myself to just feel what I felt and honor those feelings. I realized I had become so swift to gauge others’ needs and so preoccupied with telling them what they wanted to hear, that I had forgotten in some ways who I was. I had covered myself in a cloak of expectation, carefully crafted over four decades of my life, and it was suffocating me.

“How did I get here?” I wondered. I thought back to kindergarten, when I proudly raised my hand when the teacher asked who knew the alphabet. Upon her request, I began to recite it, but was brutally stopped at “H” by my classmates’ uproarious laughter. I couldn’t comprehend why they were laughing at me, which only added to my distress. Finally, someone explained to me that it was pronounced “aych,” not “etch,” as my mom had taught me through her Indian accent. From there sprouted a seed of self-consciousness, a ceaseless suspicion that there was the equivalent of a “Kick me” sign taped to my back, and the silencing shame of being different.

I started to adapt by downplaying my differences. I figured I had to try to be like them in order to be with them, and I had to say what they wanted to hear so they would listen to me. And thus, I gathered the fabric of fitting-in and the string of assimilation, and I began to assemble my costume.

Once I had a passable prototype, I began to perfect it with the right props. For me, one such prop was the simple fork. In my Indian-American family, I remember from early childhood eating with our hands. My mom and grandmother would use their hands to carefully and evenly work warm jaggery into crumbled wheat rotis to create glistening spheres of goodness, which they would lovingly pop into my mouth. Even in the moments we resorted to silverware, we went straight for the spoons, effectively cutting food by forcefully and frantically sawing with the spoon’s side. When invited to a white friend’s home for a meal, I initially feared the fork. I would meticulously study how my friend’s family ate, marveling at their mastery of interchangeably using three utensils in one meal, and I would bring home with me those lessons in “civility, normalcy, and good manners.”

In middle school, I was thrilled to discover another useful prop: Lip gloss in the perfect shimmery shade of frosty pink. It made all the white girls look so shiny-sparkly-good, and that’s what I needed to be! But with my darker lips asserting themselves from beneath the cotton candy sheen, I couldn’t quite achieve the desired effect. Yet, there was no room in my world for the question my mom gently proffered as to what was the right shade of lip gloss for me, so I persisted with the pink.

Thankfully, we all grew out of the Bonne Bell stage. But for many of us brown folks, that just meant our costumes needed to be updated. I observed with an eagle-eye every expression, every choice, every quiet movement made by my white counterparts, and I plotted how I could improve my costume to make it more real and more believable. I started to become more accustomed to wearing the costume and, soon enough, was rarely taking it off. In the safe space at home with my Indian-American friends, I thought I was taking the costume off, but I realize now that remnants of the deception remained: an expression, a choice, a quiet movement.

All of this seemed to work well enough for me as I graduated from my educational endeavors and entered the professional world. I knew how to dress like a white girl, talk like a white girl, and for the most part, act enough like a white girl to get by. And trust me when I tell you that this is what it takes to get by in many professions. Even worse is that in most professions, mimicking a white girl isn’t even enough to excel, due to a cultural bias against women leaders.

In spite of this set-up, I took some risks. Once, when I was a summer intern at a law firm, I asked my assigned mentor attorney if I could wear an Indian outfit to an off-the-clock gathering at a law firm partner’s house. My mentor shook her head incredulously and issued a resounding “Noooooo!” Curiously and quite distressingly, despite my consistently well-received work product, I later was denied a position with the firm for reason of “not being a good fit.” It doesn’t take more than one or two outcomes like that to shake your confidence and chase you right back into your costume, which then is what begins to feel like the safe space.

Without even consciously realizing it, my M.O. became more and more about flying under the radar. If they didn’t notice me, it meant that I was fitting in. That my disguise was working.

Eventually, my costume started to fray from overuse, and the seams started to split to reveal more of my true personality, which, as it turns out, does not want to fly under the radar. I want to do something big and important! I’m tired of the same ineffective solutions to the same problems in business and society, particularly when it comes to diversity. And I’m tired of listening to people tell me their stories and then walk away before hearing mine.

I’ve tried to share with some people how much I was bullied as a child because I was different, but I often find they start to get visibly uncomfortable or try to tell me that my race may not have been a reason, for they, too, were bullied for being nerdy or not wearing the right clothes. I’ve learned through my now well-honed observational skills that people don’t really want to hear me talk about how I was called a “sand n_____” by my elementary school classmates. Or how, even after being the last one picked in 6th grade gym class, my square dance partner considered my brown skin too dirty to even touch, and we both miserably do-si-doed with a deep, dark chasm between our outstretched hands. Or how my high school English teacher told my mom that my potential was less than that of my white classmates since I was “English as a second language.” All of those stories make people break eye contact with me, wriggle in their seats, and try to change the subject.

I have this friend who is Jewish. She and I often have connected over some of the similar traits of our cultures. She is a gifted storyteller who doesn’t shy away from questions that help her understand others’ experiences, and I accordingly have found her to be compassionately and sincerely open to my stories. I recently relayed to her a detailed version of the story about my request to wear Indian clothes to the law firm gathering. Her eyes welled up as I related the events that led to me being dinged from the firm. I could see that it was hard for her to hear. As it should be, because it was hard for me to tell and even harder to experience. In fact, there was a new pain I felt in relating that experience. It was the pain of knowing better. It was the ache of wisdom telling me that I shouldn’t have put up with that and regretting that, as a young, female law student of color eager to make a good impression, I felt disempowered and showed up to that event costumed up, asking them to drop a treat in my bag.

Unfortunately, yet understandably, this form of disempowerment is common among minorities and women. In the 1960’s, sociologist Erving Goffman coined as “covering” this behavior of a known stigmatized individual attempting to mitigate the obtrusiveness of the stigma. It is difficult to metrically ascertain the impact of covering, when it includes lost professional opportunities, decreased confidence, identity and self-worth, and a whole lot of cognitive dissonance. But as law professor Kenji Yoshino recognized, “covering” amounts to a civil rights issue: African-Americans have lost their jobs over wearing their hair in cornrows; Women have been demoted for choosing to become mothers; and Jews have been terminated from the military for wearing yarmulkes. Professor Yoshino explains that courts are willing to protect immutable traits such as the color of one’s skin and one’s sex, but “will not protect mutable traits, because individuals can alter them to fade into the mainstream…If individuals choose not to engage in that form of self-help, they must suffer the consequences.” Such consequences are too often dire in these days of rampant racial profiling, especially for our African-American brothers and sisters who might wear a dark hoody on a candy run. And so, as incentivized by some of our classmates, teachers, neighbors, mentors, and bosses, and also by the law of the land, we cover, hiding our true selves behind masks of the majority and resigning our society to a persistent and oppressive homogeneity.

Abby Norman, in her article about liberal progressives not enrolling their children in her predominantly black neighborhood school, asks, “Really, if we are experiencing diversity on white terms, what good is that diversity anyway?” I’d guess that Ms. Norman and I would agree that the answer is, “not very good at all,” but you don’t have to take our word for it; the data speaks loudly and clearly. In spite of ongoing claims of diversity as a top value and mission of many organizations, African-Americans and Latina/o-Americans remain significantly underrepresented in many industries, even more so in senior leadership roles. Even in a legal profession charged with upholding justice, barely modest strides have been made in diversity metrics.

Clearly, “success” needs to be redefined when it comes to diversity, and innovative and diverse approaches must be welcomed, supported, and earnestly attempted to reap the many benefits of diversity and inclusion. To genuinely engage our underrepresented brothers and sisters, we all must battle our own implicit biases, in part by expanding our own social networks to be genuinely inclusive of others who have different backgrounds and experiences from us. If organizations truly seek diversity and inclusion (and that is a question meriting candid organizational introspection), they must make space for everyone, especially minorities and women, to bring their true selves to the table. Most, like me, have learned the art of “covering” to survive in organizations because that is what our society has required of us. It is now on our society and our organizational leaders to undo that to allow minorities and women to thrive and offer their unique perspectives and ideas for assured organizational and societal improvements. Seats at the table aren’t enough; organizational leaders must warmly and earnestly ask minorities and women to share their stories and then must listen, especially when it is painful and uncomfortable.

At the same time, we minorities and women must be more aware of and intentional about when we put on our costumes. There always will be some amount of care and strategy we employ in determining with whom, in what scenarios, and to what extent we show our true colors. However, it is important that we not be scared by past risks that didn’t pay off and continue to share our stories with the people in our lives who will be moved and impacted, and who will remind us of the power of our true narratives.

For me, that means remembering the way food always tasted better to me as a child when it was fed to me by my mom’s or grandmother’s hand instead of a cold-clawed fork. And it means acknowledging that the pretty pink lip gloss made me look like the living dead.

I’ll save that costume for Halloween.

Neha Sampat is founder, consultant, trainer, and coach at GenLead|BelongLab, where she collaborates with clients through consulting, training, and individual coaching to innovate approaches to leadership, inclusion, and professional development that are both data-driven and grounded in the subjective experience. Her best Halloween costume to date was Buffila Slayerjee (the South Asian vampire slayer), and when she wears lip gloss, it is in the shade of coco plum. Find her on LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram (@belonglab) and Twitter (@nehamsampat and @BelongLab).

[thelawyerthatwaspromised]

Tyrion’s Season 7 Arc - Wrong about Almost Everything

And how it affects the dynamic between Jon and Daenerys and the audience’s perception of political!Jon.

Tyrion Lannister has been built up by the show to be a character that survives on his wits and can out-think everyone in the room. His track record in Season 7 was....not good.

There are those that believe Tyrion is being set up for a betrayal in favor of the Lannisters. I believe this is incorrect as my theory is that Tyrion, who was previously projected as an intelligent and perceptive character, is having the rug ripped out from under him in terms of Daenerys’ belief (and the audience’s belief) in him as a wise character in order to drive Daenerys away from what he “believes” in.

Since Tyrion was united with Daenerys, he’s presented an idealized version of what we HOPE Daenerys would turn out like. He counsels caution. He tries to keep innocents alive. He believes his wits can prevent disasters.

Because Tyrion is associated with Daenerys, we also assume that Daenerys believes in this “new world”. She repeats some of his better lines. She knows he’s an articulate man or a “charmer” as Davos put it. 

“Articulate men are right just as often as imbeciles.”

~ Tyrion, 5x09

(Wow did Davos have Tyrion pegged IMMEDIATELY upon just reading the scroll sent for Jon).

I believe it was intentional that Davos and Tyrion didn’t really interact much as Davos is significantly better at reading people and Davos’ expositions would reveal too much of Tyrion’s deficiencies in understanding Jon’s intentions.

So Tyrion was wrong almost all of the time. But for the first half of the season, Tyrion and Dany are still the Dream Team in the eyes of the audience. Yet we are shown bits and pieces that make us doubt Tyrion.

PHASE 1: TYRION’S WAR PLANS OPENLY DOUBTED AND THEN FAILING

“That’s very nice to hear [...] but Margaery was loved and now what’s left of her? Just ash.”

~ Olenna, 7x02

We have the first scene with Olenna where she dismisses the “Not here to be Queen of the Ashes” slogan by Daenerys.

Fans love Olenna...but Olenna doesn’t care about the game at this point. She wants revenge and destruction of House Lannister. We have Daenerys giving Olenna a look - yet I believe it’s also a look for Tyrion of “this better work!”

Daenerys agreed to this plan. She relied on Tyrion’s wits and he convinced her this was the way to win the Iron Throne. The plan failed when Euron attacked the Iron Fleet and Jaime abandoned Casterly Rock to take Highgarden.

Daenerys publicly shames Tyrion on the beach at Dragonstone, like any great leader would. The audience is left thinking Tyrion is a bad battle strategist.

PHASE 2: TYRION IS REPEATEDLY SHOWN MISREADING OTHER CHARACTERS

Tyrion has previously been very good at anticipating character’s moves by identifying their intentions. But Season 7 saw his track record flipped spectacularly when it comes to this skill.

Bronn

Tyrion makes an assumption that Bronn is all prepared to switch sides and that he arranged Tyrion to meet with Jaime at his own risk. Tyrion is HALF right. There was some risk for Bronn, but Bronn is also exactly right when he says he delivered two traitors in Tyrion and Varys right to Cersei’s front door. Tyrion didn’t really consider this angle. Bronn has found a way to out maneuver Tyrion in the event that Cersei decides that she will simply kill them.

I also will note the look Varys gives when Tyrion mentions switching “loyalties”.

After Bronn gives his little speech about how he can remain self serving, Varys gives a smirk and Tyrion realizes Bronn is in a much better position than he first thought. Tyrion essentially concedes, saying “it’s good to see you again”. It’s a nice fun moment for the audience and an example of Tyrion misreading a situation.

It’s a small moment...but again Tyrion is bested.

Cersei

Tyrion found out after the fact that Jon Snow had bent the knee. He had just lectured Jon about learning how to lie. I think that’s  important...but that’s for another day.

Tyrion has to tell Cersei he didn’t know Jon Snow bent the knee. So now Tyrion isn’t even plugged into what’s happening in his own camp. The audience says “wow, he’s doing terribly at his job!”

He’s also completely misreading Cersei and falling into her trap.

Even before Tyrion walks into the room with Jaime, he assumes Cersei will murder him. No, Cersei is laying a trap for him and murdering her little brother would serve absolutely no purpose in defeating her enemies. It would only guarantee her destruction. But Tyrion thinks Cersei only wants to kill him and that he’s significantly more clever than she is. Tyrion’s biases against Cersei's intellect ultimately are what cause Cersei’s ruse to be believed.

He has no great answer for her when she asks why he supports Daenerys.

“She’ll make the world a better place”

"You said she’d burn the Red Keep”

Tyrion didn’t anticipate a debate and clearly hasn’t really thought a lot about WHY he should be following Daenerys.

Then Tyrion thinks he makes some great insightful observation.

He tells Cersei he knows she’s pregnant. To Tyrion, it’s the key to getting the ceasefire. For Cersei, it’s simply the last piece to the puzzle for her betrayal.

Jon Snow

It’s my belief that Tyrion significantly misread Jon Snow. 

“There’s more to Foreign Invaders and Northern Fools than meets the eye.”

“[Jon Snow] is in love with you.”

So why did Daenerys not believe him?

“Jon Snow’s not in love with me.”

She hasn’t ever really dismissed that someone is in love with her before like this. Not so outright. But I actually believe Daenerys has read Jon better than Tyrion. The irony is that he has observed Daenerys longingly staring at Jon. He basically convinces her to act on HER feelings while also completely misreading Jon and his ultimate goals. He’s basically shifted his influence directly to Jon.

That’s why we got this look:

Tyrion sees his influence slipping away. To a man he underestimated and fully believed was acting with 100% honesty.

So why does Tyrion’s arc in Season 7 matter?

Tyrion proclaims he’s an excellent judge of character in 7x02 and we chuckle along because we believe him. He’s leading the audience along into believing that Jon Snow is a simple Northern Fool who can be convinced to join their side by simple methods.

His initial misread of Jon is extremely important. He thinks Jon will join their cause because he hates Cersei. Jon doesn’t like Cersei, but he does not care about the Iron Throne or the people fighting over it.

Jon shocks them when he essentially tells them he doesn’t care about any of their politics.

So Tyrion tries to figure out what Jon wants:

He concludes it’s only Dragonglass because that’s what Jon tells him.

BUT JON WENT TO DRAGONSTONE FOR DANY’S ARMY AND HER DRAGONS

“But if the Army of the Dead makes it past the Wall, do we have enough men to fight them?”

~ Davos, 7x02

This is the key to the entire Jon arc...and Tyrion misses it. He thinks Jon just wants to mine worthless rocks and then he’ll be good to go to join Daenerys. Jon certainly needs the Dragonglass...but that is NOT his priority.

“Give him something by giving him nothing.”

Tyrion is, again, half right. She’s giving Jon “nothing” in the grand scheme of things. He needs more than the Dragonglass. He has all the glass he needs by 7x05 when he’s ready to leave Dragonstone yet he knows it’s still a futile fight:

So if the Dragonglass didn’t satisfy him...what would? Daenerys’ entire army. Tyrion didn’t see this coming. He now sees that Jon’s goals are not his goals and are not Daenerys’ goals.

How did this deal end up working out for Jon? He just added:

Dragonglass 

Dothraki horde

Unsullied army

2 dragons

To his fight for the North. Sansa’s last update puts his forces at 20,000 fighting men. That is absolutely the maximum he could contribute to Daenerys and that’s assuming he loses NOTHING to the Night King.

If everything went exactly as planned, there is no way Daenerys comes back South for Cersei with anything close to her original force when she departs for the North.

He just negotiated the most lopsided political deal in GoT history because he was willing to bed her and tell her she’s special.

Tyrion told Daenerys not to leave to rescue Jon and the Magnificent 7 North of the Wall because he can see how Jon is completely altering their plans and how he is using it to his advantage.

So Tyrion’s progression with Jon Snow goes from:

Happily inviting him and extolling his virtues to:

Actually helping  (unknowingly) Jon start to manipulate Daenerys to:

Being angry that Jon didn’t lie to Cersei and Jon bending the knee and not following his plan (note also that Jon wrote to WF saying he bent the knee, and Tyrion didn’t know???) to:

Outright suspicion of Jon’s motives and his impact on Daenerys’ campaign for the Throne.

Tyrion is becoming an outsider again. 

Tyrion was given a great set of cards to work with at the beginning of Season 7 and squandered it by not understanding his enemies or “allies”.

Tyrion didn’t magically become stupid though.

He simply made mistakes in anticipating how other characters like Jon, most specifically, have changed since he last saw them.

Tyrion’s track record will undermine him when he tries to communicate with Daenerys that he doesn’t believe Jon Snow necessarily has her best intentions in mind.

Daenerys could completely alienate herself from Tyrion because Tyrion has been wrong so many times recently, yet on THIS, his observation of what Jon is gaining and Daenerys is losing, he will be EXACTLY RIGHT.

The audience will be confused. If Tyrion is wrong so many times, how can he be right about the most honorable guy everz!?

Further, this has led soooo many Daenerys fans to agree with her extreme measures which have systematically been at odds with what Tyrion has cautioned almost every single time.

Viewers think that Tyrion is wrong about stuff, Daenerys has seen some limited success using dragons, therefore Tyrion’s beliefs in preserving life must also be disbelieved. It will also make them disbelieve Tyrion’s conclusions about Jon.

The only other person firmly in Daenerys camp is also suspicious of Jon but will also be disregarded because he must simply be “jealous”:

The show is creating suspicion around every other character that surrounds Daenerys, as far as motives go, except for one:

The humble, Northern Fool, who knows nothing. They’ve created an environment where the smarter characters will be completely disbelieved when they identify Jon’s plans. It will also create an even more extreme reaction from Daenerys once some form of fracture develops between herself and Jon and she will eventually find out that her betrayal for love already happened: Jon loves and serves the North and his entire odyssey to Dragonstone was built around him doing whatever necessary to bring her army and her dragons North.

In order to make that story line happen, characters like Tyrion had to be completely deconstructed in terms of their credibility to shield the one character from doubt that Daenerys and the audience should have suspected all along.

[survivorsuriname]

Jury Speeches and Answers

Kenjie

WELL GUYS CONGRATS TO THE BOTH OF YOU. Heres what im going to say! No question who is my vote and this person is way far deserving to the person next to him or her ! So congrats.

Quincy

Hi everyone remember me? Well, I don’t remember you that well so tell me your greatest memory you had with me

Xenia

I feel both Blakey and Vi's social game sucked. I congratulate both for surviving in spite of that because that is what the game is about eventually. The winning part of it is about Jury management. How do they both feel they were better than the other t Jury Management? My vote is based on that. Good Luck!

Elizabeth

Congrats on making the F2!

Vi - I'm not sure what your game was from your speech so could you just sum it up in your answer ?

Questions for both of you:

- Why does the other finalist deserve to win over you? - If you could change one thing about your game, what would it be and why?

Jake

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1y5xImBUylB7s1uPN_vZKiK1U54W-wOzkJYuk8cFPlYs/edit

Sean

congrats to you both! i enjoyed playing with y'all and my vote is still up in the air, i'm gonna see how you guys answer the questions from myself and my fellow jurors to determine who gets my vote. blake: jake has been saying that you are taking credit for things that he and elizabeth did, what do you think you did that separates yourself from them in this game as your own player? vi: i think you're a great person, but i also didn't really see much of you throughout the game. were you still doing things behind the scenes that impacted the game, and if so, what?

BLAKE

Jake

Okay, first off, I will apologise wholeheartedly for the arrogance in my speech. You probably know me better than anyone as an emotional hothead who doesn’t think about things before he says them, so if I came off as arrogant- which obviously I did- that wasn’t my intention whatsoever.

I’m gonna respond to all your stuff: - Firstly yes, the idol guess thing was not accurate, because I didn’t actually want to go find an idol, but I felt at this point you had told me that I was a goat so were more invested in me staying for your benefit

- Decreased activity actually did win me an ORG. That time, it wasn’t a strategy. This time, it was. Yes, I was busy hosting Twisted, and yes, I was busy doing other things, but it was a conscious effort not to log in/strategise unless I needed to. In my last ORG, it got my ally so complacent they gave me their idol and I idol’d them out with it. I didn’t need to play until Final 9 by which point everyone left in the cast assumed I didn’t care, so I avoided vote after vote, so knowing that decreased activity had won me an ORG, I made the decision not to check unless I desperately needed to, and this did diminish my threat status. In so many ORGs, I make a move too early, or I make myself too big a target by talking to everyone, strategizing too hard, etc. etc. but with decreased activity, I won an ORG, so since then I decided to adopt that into a strategy to allow people to give me more information which would allow me to assess who was easy to beat and who wasn’t, but picking up social games so my allies would be voted out over me and I’d still have room to move. I know you don’t believe it is a strategy,  but when it did win me the ORG the first time (when it wasn’t a strategy) I adopted the same approach in hopes of winning this one.

- When I talked about agreeing on Quincy, I was talking about my conversation with Sean. At that point one of my key alliances/social connections was with Sean as I made my secret final two deal with him. You guys did decide on Quincy (which I was happy with), but in this instance I was talking about my chat with Sean.

- Our friendship outside the game helped significantly in that but I do believe I had some control over you. You’d assumed that I didn’t care and was playing for third, and I knew then that I could make moves I wanted because the first part of my strategy had worked. I believed that you never saw me as a threat and honestly would have gone along with things I wanted to do.

- You talk about Vi taking me because she didn’t want the easy win. I do believe that my connection with her was a significant part in getting me here because I approached her at F8, and she told me that she would vote with me for the rest of the game. Even though Vi probably isn’t playing for the win, I do believe that doesn’t mean my connection with her should be underestimated.

Again, I’m sorry for the arrogance in my speech. It was never my intention and if I could change my speech now I would do it significantly. As you know me pretty well outside the game you’d know that I don’t really think about things before I say them. This has gotten me in trouble before, it’s gotten me in trouble now, and it will continue to get me in trouble in the future. I’m really sorry, Jake.

Elizabeth

Hey Liz! Thanks for the questions.

1. If Vi were to be given the win over me it would be for my arrogance at FTC. Truthfully, I think the thing that separates Vi and I is that I played for the win and she didn’t. Jake said it in his speech; Vi asked me to vote her out at F4 and I believe she would have at F3 as well if I’d won. She said “dammit” when she won the F5 immunity. A lot of the things she did in the game indicated that she didn’t care much, or that she was happy to be fourth/third whatever, while I played my ass off from F9 onwards. Even in my horribly misguided FTC speech, I was still playing for the win. To answer your question, I believe that if Vi deserves the win over me it would be solely based on my arrogance in FTC. 2. Hands down the thing I would change about my game is my FTC speech. As I mentioned in my reply to Jake, and as a lot of people who know me both in and outside the game know, I’m a massive hothead who really doesn’t think about the things I say and the way they’ll come across. If I could go back, I would tone down the arrogance in my FTC speech and come off as a lot more humble. If that loses me the game I will kick myself forever because I believe I did play strongly and to blow it here would be devastating.

Quincy

Hey Quincy! First off something funny, I went back in our Skype conversation because I thought of something cool that we’d talked about and I actually confused you with Sassy! LMAO RIP MY LIFE. Probably our only memory was you going to this concert thing and showing me a pic of it? And during the tribal phase when we had that luck challenge, we messaged each other saying how we didn’t understand it, but that’s about as far as we got because we unfortunately ended up on opposite sides after that.

Xenia

Hey Xenia! First, I won’t deny that my social game did lack big at times. I swore at Kenjie a couple of times and did act arrogant at times because I didn’t think about what  I said before I said it and honestly that’s been a big lesson of mine in this ORG. As for my Jury management, I think I was better than Vi for the following reasons: - When I stuck with you, I stuck with you: I found the people who were loyal to me, and in previous ORG’s I’d learned that flipping constantly didn’t win respect from the Jury. When Jake went home, I maintained my loyalty to Liz, I fought my ass off with the intention of saving both of us. With Sean, I stuck with him constantly until the end where there were no other options. With Emily, I made a very strong, genuine friendship with her from the F7 onwards, and we made a deal and I never would have broken that. - Even when people were on the other side, I maintained good relationships with them. This is mainly with Geri, who unfortunately isn’t on the jury, but he and I had a massive mutual respect for each other, and when it finally came time that I won immunity, we maintained that respect. Although I lost my cool at you and Kenjie sometimes, I still maintained respect for the other side as I, with Kenjie particularly, believed a game is a game and friends are friends, and we kept that between us despite the fact we ended up on opposite sides and I eventually voted him out.

I hope that answer is satisfying for you!

Sean

Hey Sean! Okay, so, I’m assuming here that you’re talking about the game while Jake was still in it, so the things that separated me from them were:

- My initial relationship with Kenjie, on Julianatop, I formed entirely on my own. There was no direction from Jake, in fact, I suggested to Kenjie that Jake be brought in as the third to our alliance. I wanted to balance the thing with Jake with the relationship I was fast forming with Kenjie and that’s how I did it. - My entire deal with you: making the F2 with you, pledging to go to the end, and us voting together, was the first breakout thing I did after Jake told me that he thought I was happy to be the third place goat to he and Liz at the end. Therefore, mirroring what I did in the org that I won, I scoped the remaining people on the other side for someone I thought had a low threat status like me and would be happy to make a duo, and was someone I could beat. That turned out to be you, so I worked on forging an alliance between us. That was a big move of mine that I did entirely without Jake, and with our alliance I would have planned on getting him out at F7 had he not been eliminated at F9.

I did stick with Jake and Liz until the F9 because, having won an ORG previously, I knew I was in a solid position, they thought I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be the one in our three to take the heat, and I was able to work behind the scenes, so there was no need for me to do anything too extravagant that would risk me getting voted out earlier, but I knew I needed to separate myself from him, which is why I jumped on making the deal with you. That deal with you ended up being the basis for giving me the confidence to move at F8. So I really hope this proves that I was my own player and I hope I’ve satisfied you!

Vi

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1O0rzENmX1dZojlwi_j-8y-bxyKMnDWGlGYy6pY8xYMo/edit

I am now accepting votes