sharpth1ng · 2 years ago
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So Billy is obviously autistic, it explains his ‘odd’ behavior. Stu is s walking ADHD stereotype and it’s awesome. Have you ever heard of ASPD? If you have, do you think that Billy or Stu’s behavior could be explained by autism/adhd and ASPD?
You’ve unlocked one of my other special interests, my degree is in psych! This is going to be really long, sorry.
So ASPD (anti social personality disorder for anyone who’s not familiar) is really complicated to diagnose along with autism and ADHD, and the way this is done for differential diagnosis is that you would diagnose Autism or ADHD first and if there are still enough symptoms left over to diagnose ASPD then you would do that.
It’s actually pretty rare to have both diagnosed by a qualified professional (unfortunately there’s a lot of diagnosis of personality disorders given without proper assessment, you’re supposed to observe someone for MONTHS in multiple settings and getting reports from other people before giving that kind of diagnosis but lots of people will be slapped with them after getting a criminal charge or having a night in a psych hospital and being observed for like a maximum of 1 week).
But the reason it’s rare to diagnose both is that they share a lot of features, and personality disorders are rare and develope in the late teens/adulthood, so if the symptoms are present before then it makes more sense to diagnose ADHD / autism and behavioural issues. You can definitely be diagnosed with both, but it’s not common with proper diagnostic procedures.
Partly the answer to your question depends on when you’re asking, because ASPD can’t actually be diagnosed before the age of 18. But let’s consider Billy through the ASPD criteria (this is simplified but it’s basically this:)
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1. Failure to conform to social norms can be explained by autism, a lot of autistic people end up with criminal records basically from having meltdowns in the wrong places, it’s fucked. But also prior to Maureen’s murder it doesn’t seem like he has any offences, so at least at 18 this isn’t so likely to be considered a pattern since 15.✖️
*This is one someone might disagree with me on but generally with ASPD you’re looking at a wide variety of significantly less organized criminal behaviour that’s more impulsive and more frequent, and from what we know all of his crimes are part of the same plan. Murder is very bad but he also waits like a year to do it. He also hides it very well for the first murder.
2. Deceitfulness ☑️
3. Billy is not impulsive, he’s a chronic planner.✖️
4. Irritability and physical outbursts can be explained by autism + trauma ✖️
5. Reckless disregard for one’s own safety and the safety of others- this is complicated. Not sure we can say he has a reckless disregard for his own safety. Yes, he lets himself get stabbed but he planned that in advance and did enough research to know where to go for the highest chance of survival. He’s sadistic, but I wouldn’t call his sadism reckless, it’s intentional. I’m going to say ✖️ to this but someone else might disagree.
6. Consistent irresponsibility- he’s pulling off looking like a good boy enough before the killings, I would say he’s probably not dropping the ball all over the place on this stuff, he’s at least keeping it up enough for appearances sake and this is generally pretty obvious for ASPD ✖️
7. Lack of remorse- this is also complicated as it deals with empathy, which is complicated in autism. Some of us have very low cognitive and/or affective empathy, which can look like this. I would say Billy probably has fairly high cognitive empathy because he’s a competent manipulator. The other factor here is that he’s still able to form emotional connections at least with his mom if not with Stu (in debaser he definitely has an emotional connection with Stu). Ill give him this though ☑️
So to sum that all up in the end I guess I wouldn’t diagnose him with both Autism and ASPD because he only fits 2 rather than 3 of the features when you consider what autism + trauma accounts for.
I wasn’t actually sure what I thought before I went through the criteria, but I think his behaviour is better explained as autism and conduct issues. That said someone else might interpret it differently.
Sorry this is so long I didn’t mean to write an essay 😂and I didn’t even talk about Stu oops. But I would say he definitely fits some of the criteria but 1, 3,4,5 and 6 can all be explained by ADHD, so I probably wouldn’t diagnose him with both either. They’re both on the cusp though, they both fit at least 2 of the criteria for ASPD even accounting for ADHD and Autism.
All of that said, if you looked at them later in life I think the ASPD diagnosis is more likely because I think they would start to establish the kind of patterns you’re generally looking for in ASPD with criteria #1.
Also I just want to be cautious here- Autism and ADHD are not similar to ASPD but they have some common features that can present in similar ways depending on the person and situation.
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lincolngoldfinch1 · 7 months ago
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tmj-no-more-pdf-ebook · 2 years ago
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TMJ No More Review. Scam Or Legit? [2023]
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sissybabycucksophia · 2 years ago
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🥵🥵The Holiday Part 1🥵🥵
(This story is complete fiction and although i may desperately wish it isn’t, there is no fact or real world experience behind this story)
It had been 4 weeks since I willingly submitted myself to feminisation, diaper bondage and willingly gave up 24 hours of my life and dignity because another sissy told me too. That day after, cumming, pissing and shitting into the pink Disney princess diapers I had laid there in that state crying with embarrassment and contemplating what came next. Eventually I freed myself, hid everything back in the box and released myself from the chastity cage and naturally masturbated several times to the thought of the predicament i just put myself in.
Eventually though I returned to normal life on the Monday and tried to pretend it never happened… until that Tuesday when my phone lit up with a message from Daddy or Sissy Natalie. Nervously I opened the message to see… “Hey there my little baby Jade! So you should know I’ve edited the 24 hour footage of your thrilling weekend and frankly i felt it was far to good to only be seen by me…. So now i’ve posted it on my tumblr and claimed you as my sissy baby cuck!!!” Scrabbling to find the video i found it and again began to cry and become hard as i watched my pathetic self bondage and self feminisation.
I tried to beg daddy to take it down but he simply found my pathetic pleas funny and cute. However for 4 weeks i endured Message after message from mommy doms and daddy doms trying to steal me from Daddy Natalie. I hadn’t intended on being sissy Natalie’s sub let alone a big black alpha dom who only wanted a sissy diaper baby so he could get Bj’s whenever he pleased without resistance!. Eventually after 4 weeks and after countless discussions with Daddy about how i craved demoralisation, helplessness, complete lack of freedom and complete control over my regression I received a message that would change everything.
“Ok my little baby princess, heres how its gonna go. Your going to take 2 weeks off work, buy a plane ticket on the most budget, uncomfortable, poor service, smallest plane you can from Scotland to America, ill send you cloths to wear on the plane, you’ll be prohibited from using the aeroplane toilet and you’ll have to be diapered. You’ll book a room in the dingy motel round the corner from my house then we’ll spend your two week vacation making you the biggest sissy diaper baby faggot cuck ever! This is non negotiable!😈 I’ll send you the package with everything you must wear on the plane, once you have the package I expect you on a flight within days of its arrival…… Im going to have so much fun with you Princess!😈”
So with that I waited patiently and after a week a package arrived just as Daddy said it would. Opening the box in my room, I sat on the floor opening the flaps of the box and as i saw the supplies within a wave of pure fear and embarrassment crossed over me. Reaching into the box i began to take stock of the outfit daddy had constructed for me to wear on the flight, first i was surprised to find lots of long hair extensions which matched my natural hair colour, another large pack of Disney princess disposable diapers, locking plastic diaper cover panties, a box of pink heart shaped padlocks, 3 pink baby bottles, a Pink foam breast form filled bra, a pink puffy sleeved and knee length playsuit with matching pink mittens with locking rings on the mittens and playsuit, an oversized Maxi length pink puffer jacket a pair of bright pink ugg boots, a pacifier attached too a thick sparkly pink strap and finally a note…
“Ok Jade, your clock starts now! Firstly book a ticket on the first flight out of Scotland! Once booked send me proof!. Next you will go to a woman’s salon and tell them you want them to secure as much of these extensions as possible and style them in the most girly way possible! Next shave every inch of your body again! Bring only a small case with a maximum of 3 days worth of male cloths, you won’t be needing them! Now for the travel, i’ve worked it out, your flight will be 8 hours as such you will wear 4 diapers, the locking plastic panties, the foam breast form bra, the playsuit, the Ugg boots and the jacket too the airport and through security! Once on the plane you WILL find the nearest large black man and you will ask him to help you! You’ll take out the heart shaped padlocks and as him to padlock your mittens on your wrists, put a padlock through the locking rings of your play suit and for him to keep the keys to these all flight! You WILL tell him you a pathetic sissy baby who needs an adults supervision and ask him to speak for you, you’ll tell him i want you watching nothing but princess shows and movies on your seat-back entertainment and you’ll ask him to secure your paci gag and lock it on too. I’ve written a feeding schedule on the back of the note which you will ask him to subject you too. For 8 hours i want you drinking a bottle of water every 30 minutes, i have packed 8 packets of Happy Baby baby food which you’ll ask the black man to take out your paci and feed you every hour! You’ll also make it clear to him at the beginning of the flight if he wants to feed you his cum mixed in any of the food or drink he can but your a sexless cuck who is not allowed sexual pleasure or release of any kind, tell him he’s allowed to spank you, cuddle you, humiliate you and control you however! You will not attempt to remove your playsuit or diapers for any reason! You will piss, shit and squirt cummies in those diapers!. Should a flight attendant or security challenge your diapered state i have enclosed a forged doctors note stating you have serious bowel and bladder issues and this flight is you travelling to a specialist to rectify the problem! NEVER REMOVE THOSE DIAPERS! Or I promise you missy! You wont like daddy’s reaction, now princess hop too it, ps daddy loves you xxx”
Reading the note aloud my eyes began to water as fear and embarrassment rushed through my mind, what was i to do! On one hand I wanted to cry and felt the demoralising feeling of what all that would bring but on the other i felt to turned on by daddy’s note that i was oozing precum. Like the submissive little coward i am… i booked a flight almost straight away… hell as if all that daddy wanted me to do wasn’t bad enough i even paid more to book a seat which backed onto the airplanes toilet so i could watch all the normal people walk past to go to the toilet. Sending daddy the ticket confirmation for a flight in 2 days time all i received back from Natalie was “😈 good little princess😈”.
The next day I grabbed the mass of hair extensions and covered up in a baggy hoodie and went to a woman’s salon 2 hours from my house. Walking in the receptionist said “oh i’m sorry sir we don’t cut mens hair” looking at the extensions in my hand and the embarrassment on my face the receptionist then presumed i was trans🏳️‍⚧️ and not just a pathetic sissy. Getting up from her seat she put her arm around me and guided me to a less visible seat at the back of the salon where she took the extensions and then personally began to work on me. “This is a totally safe space for women like you sweetheart, theres nothing to be embarrassed about! Whats your true name precious?” She asked as she expertly began securing the extensions and destroying any masculinity i had. What should i do? If i tell her I’m just a pathetic loser turned on by embarrassment and feminisation against my will she’ll out me to everyone here!? So i had to lie, shame filled me as i simply answered, “uhm I ehm go by Jade” i said using my sissy name. “Adorable hun absolute adorable! Tell you what? Whats your favourite colour sweetheart?” To which my pathetic sissy brain replied with hesitation “pink”. Much to my horror once done with the extension, the woman not only styled them in a manner far more feminine than my short hair but proceeded too then do up my face with 72 hour lasting pink make up!. Eventually after paying and her giving me the most shame inducing pep talk I headed home.
Finally the next day came and i awoke to realise the extensions and make up were still very much in place, whimpering i began to get ready. Laying out the diapers i once again slathered my penis and balls in the numbing cream daddy gave me last time just too cuck myself even more, then i lay down and one by one imprisoned my sissy clitty behind fluffy layer after fluffy layer of thick puffy princess diapers. Once four were on i encased them in the locking plastic panties and secured the foam breast form filled bra, standing in front of my room mirror i ran my hand up and down the front of my diapered crotch as i squeezed and fondled my fake breasts, with no sensation in my crotch and completely unable to feel my rock hard clitty I whimpered as i lifted the bra and slid clothes pegs up and clipped them to my nipples and lay the foam down tight against the pegs. Playing with my fake breasts now i moaned as i felt the pegs tug at my nipples with the movement of my fake breasts. Catching a glimpse of myself moaning in the mirror i hung my head in shame and continued to get dressed. Pulling the playsuit up i felt the tight elasticated legs stop above my knee then the tight feeling around my crotch as the playsuit tightly formed round my diapers, then the feeling of it brushing across my chest as i slid my ams into the arm holes where i again felt the elastic pinch around my upper bicep creating puffy shouldered short sleeves. Finally I struggle to zip the playsuit up but eventually I was enclosed, sliding my feet into the Uggs and enclosing myself in the jacket I zipped the jacket up tight to under my chin to hide my infantile state if dress. Looking in the mirror I was humiliated as all i saw was what looked like an overgrown teenage girl from the early 2000’s. With baby supplies in my hand luggage and the small male cloths suitcase I then took a bus ride too the airport, it was terrifying feeling the eyes of Junkies, real men, woman and children bore into me with every stop of the bus but eventually we reached the airport and as I disembarked a man tried to grab my ass through the jacket but as he squeezed my heavily diapered ass my heart stopped as he then grabbed my arm and said “hey sweet cheeks what you got under there!” To which I cried “Get off me! Please don’t touch me!”. The man instantly let go looking around himself to see that he didn’t look bad and said “jeez dont come out looking so innocent and fuckable then if you aren’t asking for it!” But by that time i’d ran into the terminal building terrified, infact I’d gotten such a fright i was unaware my completely numb little clitty had leaked pee into my diaper. As quickly as possible i checked in my bag and got through security, naturally i had some awkward questions to answer and even presented daddys forged doctors letter.
Still shaken i walked through duty free then sat patiently at the gate on the phone too daddy, messaging back and forth I tried desperately to chicken out. “Daddy im sorry but I can’t do this! Im a man! I wont just ask a random black man too control me for 8 hours! Please let me go home and flight out another day as a man!!” To which daddy was quite clear, “Look jade daddy loves you ok so hear me when i say this….. i dont care what you think ok boo boo? Why don’t i care? Because your a baby sweatheart, your to pathetic and submissive and helpless to be an adult and your far too weak and feminine to be a man so daddy is doing you the mercy of taking control! Now be a good girl and send daddy a self right now in the terminal building so i know your doing what I’ve asked!” So without hesitation I pathetically took a selfie and sent it to daddy. Just as i did the plain began to board, with every step from the gate to my seat my stomach churned thinking about the men that might be sat around me that i’d have too ask to dominate me for the flight i hoped and prayed it was a family man who’d be appalled and try to help set me free but i knew that was very unlikely. Boarding i took my seat at the very back of the plane and sat in the window seat with the toilet block behind me, i watched and watched as the two seats next to me remained empty all the way through boarding and blushed heavily with embarrassment as people stared me up and down.
Thinking i was in luck, my heart sunk as the last passenger to get on the plane was a 6’5 foot tall black man, with arms like tree trunks, a shaved head and dressed in loose fitting shorts and a tight tshirt which showed his adonis physique. “S’up” he said in a deep and scary voice, I simply looked down at my lap and rested my hands on the lap on my long jacket trying to keep the jacket from revealing anything. ‘Oh my god why him!? Hes going to either kill me for being a creep or dominate me without even thinking about it’ i thought in my head as tears of sheer embarrassment came to my eyes. Not looking up I remember head lowered and hands tightly holding the jacket down all the way through take off, until eventually we levelled out and the seatbelt sign went out.
‘You’ve got to get used to doing what daddy tells you! After all, 2 weeks of his instruction, if you can’t follow this one he’ll be angry’ i told myself in my head as I suddenly plucked up the courage to stand up and remove my jacket revealing to the plane my pathetic Baby cuck state of dress. Laying the jacket on the middle seat between me and the man i sat backdown, the playsuit no doing any favours to hide my diapered crotch, i turned in my chair to face the man allowing him to see my adams apple past my extensions and give away yet another embarrassing secret. Taking the remaining supplies from my back i laid them in my jacket between me and him, there lay the matching mittens for the playsuit, upwards of 10 heart shaped padlocks, the pacifier gag, the baby food and the empty baby bottle.
And at that i spoke up, “e…e…ex…excuse me sir! I have been ordered by my Daddy that because I’m a pathetic Sexless diaper wearing princess sissy baby cuck that i am not allowed to look after myself for this 8 hour flight. He ordered that i ask the man sat next to me to ensure that I remained regressed, embarrassed, helpless, powerless and unable to remove my diapers” i admitted as i felt my dignity slip away. “A…a…as such daddy commanded that i ask you to guarantee that I piss, shit and cum in my princess diapers by using these pansy looking locks to lock mittens on my wrists and lock this playsuit on me. I’m not comfortable asking you but daddy is making me, i want to take all this off and he knew that so he’s asking wants me to ask a stranger to lock me in and keep the keys. He has also asked me to beg you to feed me baby food every hour and a baby bottle filled with milk and any of your body fluids every half hour. Daddy told me to stress im a Sexless baby cuck so im allowed no sexual pleasure or release. Will you dominate me sir?” I said as the embarrassment tears rolled down my face, which did nothing to my 24 hour makeup.
“Give me your wallet!” The man demanded, “but i ehm I cant…” i tried to say as the man grabbed my back and took my wallet. Taking out my driver’s license he held the photo up next to me and said “ruin and dominate a white boys 8 hour flight cause he’s a faggot? Sure but am taking that $100 you got here cuck and your going to do nothing” he said taking the money I’d planned to use on a taxi. Whimpering i began to get a horrible feeling about this man but it was too late now, “ok turn round gayboy, lets make sure you don’t get any wrong ideas about whos the man here”. Reluctantly doing as i was told i turned to face my back and the playsuit zipper toward him and used my hand to move the extensions away from the top of the zip. However instead of hearing a click he began unzipping the playsuit to which I panicked and tried to round saying “wait…” but he simply grabbed my puffy sleeved shoulder and stopped me from turning. Zipping the playsuit right down i felt him reach in and cinch the plastic panties waist tighter before clipping a lock on them as well, “oh fuck up, im not interested in fucking something as feeble and weak as you, im ensuring that even if that play suit comes off by some miracle, the diapers dont!” The man said zipping the play suit back up he then clipped a lock through the locking rings trapping me inside. What now?! Up until now i could give in any time, set my own limits, not now!. Turning me back round the man grabbed one mitten at a time and simply man handled my hands into them, as he tightened them and locked them on my wrists he asked, “anything else your evidently more manly than you daddy wanted me to know! Like your faggot name? Were you to be sleeping all flight or reading baby picture books? Tell me!”. I looked him in the eye as I nervously replied, “daddy calls me Jade sir, and daddy said I’ve to watch only princess related shows and movies on the screen all flight sir” as i looked at the row on the other side of the plane watching and laughing at me, crying a little i hung my head which the man would raise as he violently pushed the pacifier gag into my mouth and secured the strap tightly behind my head and padlocked it as well.
To my surprise the man then reached into his hand luggage and pulled out leather belts which he then proceeded to use as he grabbed me, pulled me into the middle seat and pinned my mittened arms to the armrests where he secured them with the belts. I began panicking and moaned as I wrestled against the belts trying to pull my arms away, panicking so much i fussed enough to draw an air hostesses attention. Approaching she spoke before seeing from my nose down, “miss is this man bothering y…..” she stopped her sentence apon reaching the side of the large black man who restrained my wrists, looking me up and down she spotted my adams apple and my pink playsuit with white frills and snorted in derision, looking to the black man the air hostess said “why is this man dress so fuckin pathetically, locked in mittens and restrained to his chair?”.
At that the large man reached over the armrest and my struggling arm and slapped his hand down on my diapered crotch grabbing and squeezing my puffy diapered crotch, i squealed in embarrassment as i expected pain but forgot that the numbing cream meant i was effectively sensation-less down there. However i cried hard as he jiggled his hand side to side with hold of my diapers and penis in his massive hands, “Well miss, this Baby asked me to control IT for 8 hours while on the flight. Apparently it wants to be dressed this way because its not a man, so its dressed in the most pathetically ridiculous way possible. It…. Sorry how rude of me… She begged me to stop her from using the toilet and begged me to ensure she used all 4 of her diapers by locking her in the clothes you see now. She also said shes far to feeble and weak to look after herself so she asked me to control her for her own good” he said looking round at me. “Is that true sir? Or madam?” The air hostess asked me with a sigh and roll of her eyes. Panicking all i could think was ‘no no no i changed my mind let me go! I don’t want this!’ As I violently shook my head with my extesions whipping my faces as i shook my head.
Squeezing harder the man was actually starting to crush my penis, but once again i was numb to this pain, looking back at the air hostess he said “oh don’t listen to her, ask these lovely people they saw her beg me and watch me put all 4 padlocks on her” the big black man said with a smile. Turning to the young couple and their late teenage daughter across the isle from us. To which the 3 of them testified i wanted to be in this position and even told the air hostess I begged and begged. At that the air hostess looked at me dead in the eye and said, “Well LITTLE GIRL you better quiet down and do what your temporary care giver says and be grateful he agree to look after someone weak as you. If you don’t quiet down i’ll be force to have the captain redirect the pain and land to remove you and thats a jailable offence…. You decide” and walked off.
Letting go of my crotch the man began to plug headphones into the screen in the back of the chair in front of me and to my embarrassment clicked Sofia the First the show about the little princess who wears the purple dress…. 4 seasons! God how embarrassing to sit here like this with no choice but to watch it. “Now, shut the fuck up faggot and enjoy your little cucky princess programs. Your first bottle feeding is in 30 minutes. Be prepared to drink the entire 250 ml’s!” And at that he placed the headphones over my ears drowning out everything but the babyish princess show. Each time i looked at anything but the screen he grabbed my cheeks and redirected my face.
After 15 minutes I accepted i was unfortunately stuck and began to just suckle helplessly on my paci as my tears dried into my cheeks and i became mindlessly engrossed in sofia’s adventures. However 5 minutes after that i notice my temporary care giver leaving his seat to go to the toilet with my bottle…. ‘Oh god no! I didn’t think he’d actually make me drink his cum!!!’ I though as i began to try and struggle quietly. 10 minutes later he returned with a the 250 ml bottle with easily 50 ml of cum in it, ‘No Way God no!!! How did he cum that much’ i thought as my eyes began to well up again. I watched as he then poured 150 ml of water in and added 50 ml of baby formula and mixed it up with tea stirrer. Securing the nipple back on he grabbed the keys to the padlocks and undid the padlock on the paci gag and removed my headphones, looking at him i was terrified and mortified, i shook my head as much as my neck would allow but he wasn’t interested and simply grabbed one of my fake foam tits which in turn moved the peg behind it clamped to my nipple cause me to moan and whimper as i began to feel horny. “Gayboy am gonna remove this paci and your going to drink every single last gulp of this! If you don’t….. you’ll never make it to wherever your going when you land because I’ll kidnap you faggot! Now be a good BABY and drink up” he said forcefully as he undid the strap and removed my paci, before i could speak the nipple of the bottle was in my mouth filling it with horrible, disgusting, vile and emasculating baby formula spiked with superior black man cum!. As i tried hard not to vomit and to breath heavily through my nose he played with my foam tits seeing how it made my body tremble since he was effectively tweaking my nipples. Tears once again streamed down my face as the further down the bottle i got the more concentrated his potent, bitter and salty cum gushed into my mouth and slid down my throat. Eventually though the ordeal was over and before i had even the time to regain my breath let alone beg for freedom i was regagged, gag locked in place, headphones back on and having my head pointed back to sofia the first.
Once again after 15 minutes I had ceased resistance and softened into sitting still and quietly watching the little princess. What could i do? My arms were bound painfully to the arms of the chair, even if they weren’t the mittens were tightly locked on my hands so I couldn’t grab anything or escape, there were no other seats to move too to escape my new caregiver accept the one by the window that like a baby i was now not being given the choice of sitting in! Helpless! Pathetic! And above all else… demoralised.
After another 15 minutes came yet another cum filled baby formula bottle however this time the man fed me one of the many baby food pouches i had been told by daddy to eat. God every mouthful was revolting 🤮 i dry heaved with every mouthful and each time my body wrenched my caregiver would threaten me with graphic and detailed threats of how this experience would be my 24/7 365 if I didn’t behave and he kidnapped me. Finally my first feeding was over and once again i was returned to my helpless princess show watching state, however only 5 minutes after eating i began to feel pressure on my bladder and looked at the man with begging eyes as i looked down and tried desperately to point at my diaper with my mittened hands but he simply kept returning my face to the screen, after 10 minutes i could no longer hold it, tears pouring down my cheeks i went bright red with embarrassment as i felt no pressing on my bladder, i may have been completely numb in the crotch but i knew what i’d just done. Trying to hang my head in shame the man once again grabbed my cheeks and pointed my face to the screen, I didn’t know it then but this relentless forced regression while watching sofia the first would create a connection between the show and my current state in my mind that would ruin my life later.
Sitting in the piss soaked first diaper I gradually accepted what was to come, 15 minutes later I willingly accepted the caregiver removing my paci gag and even drank my 3rd bottle without complaint. Slowly i began to realise i had no right to complain…. I asked for this after all. By the time i finished the third bottle my new caregiver began to look like he was enjoying the process of regressing me as he became more gentle, not ramming the paci gag back into my mouth but gently replacing it and once locked back in my mouth he would reach over patting my crotch and whispered, “see isn’t it just easier when you accept your superior cum from an actual man… good little girl!” Before once again returning my headphones and entrancing me in the princess show. For the first 4 hours of the flight I melted into submissive acceptance of the situation I’d put myself in and behaved for the man who began insisting i call him Uncle Jay. However after beginning to behave for uncle jay he had kept my paci gag removed after my 3 disgusting baby food meal at hour 3 of the flight which made it more embarrassing that when flight attendants now spoke to me i simply had to ignore them and keep watching the princess show while Uncle Jay spoke for me.
After the feeding at hour 4 uncle jay would begin to do something I wasn’t expecting, after watching me dry heave and swallow the food and bottle he would reach over unplugging my headphones and removing them from my head as well as turning of the screen. “Ehm did i uhm not eat or drink as much as you wanted me to Uncle Jay? Im really sorry just please don’t punish me i’m embarrassed enough!!” I aksed very nervously as i begged. To my surprise he would also undo the belts holding my arms to the arm rest. “No no no gayboy you’ve been hilariously pathetic and well behaved but I don’t think your daddy will be best pleased if you don’t get some sleep! So i bought something for my girlfriend but i realised its far to pathetic, humiliating and regressive for her… so you will wear it and get some shut eye!” He said taking me under the arm and pulling me up to stand in the area in front of the toilet door while he reached into his backpack and rummaged for what he was talking about. You know you’ve lost all hope of using the toilet like an adult when like me you don’t even try to open the toilet door. At that uncle jay pulled from his bag what looked like a pink rolled up sleeping bag, i blushed and went to shake my head but suddenly stood in the isle he held one end of the sleeping back and suddenly it unrolled and hung in front of him. This was no ordinary sleeping bag, it was a sleeping back cut to be shaped like a princess dress, it had a floor length skirt which was closed over at the bottle like a sleeping bag and was embroidered to look like Princess Aurora’s dress, unzipping the back Uncle Jay turned the open zip to face me and ordered i slip off my ugg boots and step in.
What choice did i have, where was i going to run too. Glowing bright red in embarrassment i slipped off my uggs and stepped into the dress shapped bag which was so soft and poofy inside that it tickled my bare legs from the knee down and felt funny on my feet as i could feel the plane floor through sleeping back. Turning me round uncle jay zipped it up and mortifyingly it did not hide my playsuit encased shoulders entirely. “Now back into the middle seat faggot, its nap time….” Uncle just said manhandling me into my seat again, once sat down i moved the dress shaped sleeping bag skirt around with my mittened hands and said nervously “but im uhm not very ehmmm tired Uncle Jay” to which he pulled out a matching princess aurora sleep mask and placed it over my extension adorned head and covered my eyes. “Nonsense faggot, you’re obviously in need of a nap now be a good girl and drift of to sleep quietly so i can enjoy the rest of my film” Uncle Jay said as he reached round with his right arm and wrapped it round me pulling my head in to rest on his shoulder. How much more demeaning was this flight going to get! I’d already swallowed more cum and baby food than is probably healthy for any adult, restrained to a chair and gagged to watch little girl programs and now i was being forced to sleep in a princess dress shaped sleeping bag over my baby playsuit finery with a princess night mask and a being forced to rest my head on a big butch black mans shoulder!!! I was modified and right there and then i again pissed my diaper, however the diaper was now so wet and full of piss and precum I definitely could feel it.
Unfortunately though i knew i was at Uncle Jay’s whims, and could now hear the 19 year old girl across the isle laughing at me…. If my penis wasn’t completely numb from the cream i’d have realised just how rock hard my situation was making me. Then….. came the worst, most embarrassing, most demoralising and single most humiliating moments of my life. Suddenly cramp began to take over my stomach and i began to feel my stomach churn, i could feel the baby food, baby formula and Black Man Bull Cum mixing in my stomach making it violently upset. Using my mitten covered hands which Uncle Jay hadn’t re-restrained to the chair because of my good behaviour I quickly fumbled the night mask up to my forehead, pushing up off his shoulder I turned and moved to the edge of the seat turning my Sleeping bag princess dress and Playsuit adorned body so my chest was facing him i wrapped on arm round my stomach and tried to reach the sleeping zip with the other. Looking Uncle Jay in the eye with pure fear in mine i said “Look Jason! This isn’t a game anymore, get the keys out and remove the locks quickly! I think im about to explode with Diarrhoea!! Please this isn’t even a part of the kink thing anymore, i dont want to shit myself!! PLEASE!!!! Unlock me you sadistic fucker!! IM NOT A GIRL OR A BABY I WON’T SHIT IN A DIAPER ON A PLANE FULL OF PEOPLE NOW UNLOCK ME!!!!……… PLEASE” I said angrily and in extreme discomfort as i now wrapped both arms round my waste and tried to hold my cheeks together. “Excuse me Faggot! Who the fuck do you think yours talking to like that!!” Uncle jay growled grabbing me by the throat with one of his massive hands. “Ugghh im sorry! Please Jason! Im a Man! I’ll pay you 200 dollars! Just please get this stuff off me!!” I beg as i began to struggle to breath. However with little to no effort Uncle Jay pinned me back into the middle seat and wrestled my mittened hands back to the arms of the chair and once again used belts to restrain them down. Fighting the paci gag into my mouth and tightening the strap as he padlocked it on he then lowered the sleep mask and whispered in my ear.
“You think I’m as weak and dumb as you! You knew you’d need to shit eventually! You just resisted and tried to escape to delude yourself into thinking your not the biggest diaper using sissy faggot ever!!! Now shut the fuck up! Shit your diapers, cry a little then go to fucking sleep!! Sweet dreams cucky” to which he then put noise cancelling headphones over my ears and blasted baby songs like wheels on the bus, baby shark, rain rain go away and more on repeat. Now blind again i tried to curl forward and fight the bowel pain of holding back the diarrhoea but every time i curled forward Uncle Jay pushed me back up straight. Eventually the pressure became too much and with a whale of embarrassment and tears I let go, a huge load of steaming hot and disgusting smelling diarrhoea exploded into my diaper with a very very very loud squelching sound. “Ewwww thats fucking disgusting! That boy wearing baby girl cloths and diapers just shit himself!!! Thats so gross!!!” The teenager girl across the isle said. Which for the next 10 minutes sparked demoralising humiliation and rude and mean comments being flung my way, however like a baby i was oblivious to the discomfort of everyone else thanks to the baby songs and noise cancelling headphones, however tears poured down my face, snot ran down and out my nose and i whaled and cried like a proper baby as all i could feel was the warm, acidic and splurgy diarrhoea moving around my ass, up the side my ass cheeks and all around the diaper.
After about 15 more minutes the humiliation and physical discomfort had fatigued me and without meaning to i found myself fast asleep. How pathetic was I now! Not only was i dressed in the most Pathetic manner humanly imaginable, i was now restrained and asleep in a diarrhoea filled diaper which was so full it had now leaked into the second of 4 diapers and for what?! Because I’m not a man…. I’m most definitely not a man right now! As i slept i was unaware that with each fart more diarrhoea just sorta plumed out of my ass. Whats more pathetic? I was dreaming that i was Sissy Natalie’s daddy, waiting in scotland for him while he suffered the situation I’ve put myself in now following his orders!. However sadly dreams have too end and i was awoken by Uncle jay forcing another bottle into my mouth, as soon as the liquid hit my tongue i gagged hard, this wasn’t cum mixed with baby formula. All i could taste was cum and even….. piss, in a sensorily deprived state thanks to the headphones still playing baby songs and eye mask I couldn’t see but crying and wrenching as i tried to drink this disgusting cocktail I violently tried too get my restrained and mittened hands up to fight jason off. Crying and gagging a lot i, by some miracle, finished the bottle. Removing it from my lips jason raised the night mask and lowered the headphones to my neck. Blinking rapidly to adjust my eyes i felt a wave of embarrassment as I suddenly realised everyone on the plane was stood up looking at me. “We landed 5 minutes ago and tessa there” jason said pointing to the 19 year old, “suggested you’d appreciate a 250ml bottle of purely cum, unfortunately some guys were reserved about masturbating into a bottle so those that didn’t just pissed in it” to which I suddenly began to feel sick and gagged hard as he said that.
With that the plane doors opened and all the other passengers disembarked as they laughed and degraded me. Looking jason in the eyes i said nervously, “well thank you very much for your forceful domination and unwavering control uncle jason but could you please unlock all the padlocks now so i can at least change my diaper…. I think daddy would be more than satisfied with your domination of me thus far but the flight is now over so unlock me now please” i begged calmly trying not to sound like I hadn’t learned my lesson on how to speak to my caregivers. “Cant do that faggot” jason said abruptly.
“The hell you mean you can do that! You cant kidnap and keep me like this !!! I dont consent!!” I growled in a panic. “1. In this state do you really think i need your consent! Look at yourself!! And 2. I can’t because while your were asleep for 3 and a half hours I accidentally dropped the keys in the airplane toilet and flushed them….. ooooops” Jason laughed. “You did wha……” i tried to yell but jason simply stuffed the paci gag back in and secured it tight. Then using his superior strength he unrestrained my arms and put my pink Maxi length puffer jacket back on over everything i had on and zipped it up. He then put everything else of mine in my hand luggage, ugg boots, unused padlocks, bottle, baby food and a card with his phone number on it. Next he lowered my night mask again, put the baby music blasting headphones back over my ears and slung me over his shoulder fireman style. I couldn’t believe this, this had to be a record low, how was i ever to consider myself a man again!. Once off the plane, Jason sat me in a wheelchair and used the belts to restrain my arm to the arms of the wheelchair, feeling my hand luggage dropped on my lap i struggled as much as I could, cried, begged for help, pissed more in my diaper and eventually resigned myself to believing Jason was kidnapping me as i felt the wheelchair glide effortlessly through the airport.
Sure the TSA wont let you carry too large a deodorant on and off a plane incase your a terrorist but somehow Jason got a fully grown man dressed as an overgrown prissy baby girl wearing multiple soiled and disgusting smelling diapers restrained to a wheelchair through without any question!! I was so embarrassed and defeated and uncomfortable I couldn’t even bring myself to scream or moan when we stopped for 15 minutes which i can only assume was the TSA check. Eventually after about 40 minutes of movement i felt the warm fresh air hit my face which admittedly felt good and stopped me smelling my own disgusting diaper however after sitting with the direct sun hitting me for 5 minutes while i smelled cigarette smoke i was sweating profusely under my many layers which made me even more horribly uncomfortable. I assume Jason had me sitting at the smoking area while he huffed a cigarette 🚬 because after that the smell disappeared and suddenly the headphones pulled down.
“Ok Faggot here where we part ways. This taxi guy is holding a sign that says ‘taxi for Sissy Baby Sexless Cuckold Jade’ which can only really be you. Its a wheelchair accessible taxi so your going in like this. Next place you’ll see is where daddy lives! Ive had fun, I’d say i hope you did but look at you….. on the surface you hated it but deep down your wishing i’d kidnap you!” In my head i told myself he was wrong i was a man, i couldn’t spend to weeks like this no! But inside i knew he was right. Feeling his kiss my forehead he added, “goodbye gayboy, hope chugging all that cum of mine has gotten you addicted to me…. If it has and you decide you want to be uncle Jay’s baby forever…. My numbers in your bag….. keep the princess dress sleeping bag and mask…. To remember me by….. and cause you look fucking hilarious in them hahaha goodbye faggot” he finished as he put the headphones back up despite my begging and moaning for more information and seemingly disappeared. With only my sense of smell i had no idea what was happening, i felt the chair go up and incline a smelled a car air freshener, with only that to go on i once again broke down in tears wondering how many people had seen me and laughed since i came off the plane. Off i went to daddy Natalies house…. A pathetic shell of the man who left scotland……
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aegor-bamfsteel · 3 years ago
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How long does it take to travel to King’s Landing from Dragonstone?
I wanted to focus a meta on a seemingly minor detail that, if you look into the likely circumstances surrounding it, reveals an important piece of characterization of Da3ron II that I don’t think has been discussed. AWOIAF says, regarding Da3ron’s reaction to his father’s death: “[he] departed Dragonstone within the fortnight after learning of his father's demise and was swiftly crowned by the High Septon in the Red Keep.”
If Aegon IV had died, and then Da3ron had arrived from Dragonstone and been crowned within 2 weeks (equal to a fortnight) of this death, that would’ve been understandable. However, the “and” signifies that Da3ron was crowned after the fortnight; it took within a fortnight of being told of Aegon’s death (not Aegon’s death proper, just when he heard the news) for Da3ron to pack his things and travel from Dragonstone to King’s Landing. The implication is that the journey from Dragonstone to KL takes nearly two weeks by sea. I was so puzzled at the idea that the Targaryen’s home castle was so far away from their capital (that they chose to build in that location partially because it was that close to Dragonstone) I checked the Errata of The World of Ice and Fire to see if it was a misprint in the way Myriah Martell’s name was; it was not. Da3ron took nearly two weeks after hearing of his father’s death to arrive at King’s Landing, and was “swiftly crowned” only after. Which leads me to ask, how many miles by sea does it take to travel from Dragonstone to King’s Landing?
According to a map of Westeros and assuming that it is to scale, someone worked out the distance as 420 miles/675km by sea; it is 100 miles/160km from Dragonstone to Sharp Point on the mainland, and then 320 miles/515km of traveling west along the coast to King’s Landing. It is not mentioned what type of ship Da3ron took (galley, longship, carrick, caravel, etc; all of which travel at different speeds based on how they’re built, with longships being the fastest and galleys the slowest), how experienced its crew was (although since Dragonstone is known for its navy, you’d think they would be experienced), or if the winds were favorable, so I’m going to estimate the slow, average, and fast speed of arrival from Dragonstone to KL based on the sources:
If Westeros is anything like our world and the equator is located south of Dorne, then the prevailing winds would blow from east to west (easterlies) south of the Neck and from west to east (westerlies) north of the Neck. Dragonstone and King’s Landing are located south of the Neck, so the prevailing winds would be trade winds/easterlies; in other words, Da3ron would’ve had the wind on his side leaving Dragonstone, which would’ve increased his speed by as much as 1 knot/1.15mi. Travelling at less than 4mph/3.5knots per hour generally meant a sailing ship was travelling with unfavorable winds, so we can assume Da3ron never reached below that speed.
Ideal Conditions:
Under ideal conditions (favorable winds, a skilled crew) a sailing ship could average around 6knots/6.9mph over a trip (pre-modern vessels could “sprint” up to 12 knots, but this wasn’t sustainable). This translates to 168 miles per day, assuming sailing in the day and night (which Da3ron would’ve had to do at least on the first part of his journey to Sharp Point, as he’s sailing the open ocean). 420mi/168mi/d= 2.5 days, or 60 hours at maximum speed
Assuming Da3ron took a caravel, the maximum speed of which is 9mph or 150 miles per day, it would’ve taken 420mi/150mi/d= 2.8 days, or 68 hours at maximum speed
I doubt Da3ron took a galley, considering it is a slow ship most often used for war, but non-ironborn nobility in Westeros do seem to have more of them to their name (Cersei, Stannis, Alyn Velaryon use them as flagships) than other ships, so I’ll put these numbers in to show that even at the slowest built ship Da3ron should’ve made better time. They are on average about 3/4 as fast as caravels, so at maximum might reach 6.75mph, 112mi/d, so 3.7 days or about 90 hours at maximum speed
Average conditions:
The average sailing ship could go around 5knots/5.75mph; this translates into 73 hours or 3 days 1 hour on average
Average speed for a caravel is 4.5mph or 90-100mi/day. The lower range indicates this trip would take 112 hours, or 4 days 16 hours; the upper range is 101 hours, or 4 days 7 hours on average
Average speed for a galley is about 3knots/3.45mph; this translates to about 122 hours, or about 5 days on average
Slow conditions (slowest possible with still-prevailing winds):
As explained before, going less than 3.5knots/4mph via sailing ship meant generally unfavorable winds. Assuming the absolute slowest, the ship could expect to make the trip in 105 hours or 4 days 9 hours
Using the ratio that a galley is about 3/4 the speed of a caravel, its slow speed might be 3mph, which translates into 140 hours or 5 days 20 hours
In conclusion, assuming that Da3ron did not stop at any harbors along the way and traveled at a consistent pace, he should have arrived in King’s Landing within one week, not two, of learning of Aegon’s death. Even at the slowest pace, taking the slowest method of water transport, the trip does not equal 6 full days of travel. 
It’s possible that, like Corlys Velaryon at the 101 Great Council, he brought the full Dragonstone fleet to King’s Landing to support his claim to the throne if he feared it was in danger (which makes sense in that he took so long to arrive, but was “swiftly crowned” after), but that would’ve lengthened the trip to 6 days at most (since a navy can only travel as fast as its slowest ship, the galley), and certainly not to nearly two weeks, since time is clearly of the essence in thwarting a potential coup. The idea that it took so long to prepare such a navy after hearing of Aegon’s death seems like a stretch considering the old king’s slow physical decline (see below)
A more benign argument is that after he reached Sharp Point, he did stop during the night, but assuming a night is 8 hours, that means even if he stopped every night along the journey (a ridiculously inefficient plan that practically defeats traveling by water, but to stretch out the time let’s pretend he might’ve done it) would’ve made the trip 76 hours or 3 days 4 hours at the fastest, and 172 hours or 7 days 4 hours at the slowest. Again, even at the slowest pace, with the slowest method of transportation, and now with long stops, it still would’ve taken barely more than half the time Yandel noted Da3ron actually spent to depart Dragonstone and arrive in King’s Landing. And how many days did he really need to pack his things and leave? I doubt nearly a week was really necessary...
Of course, that Da3ron might’ve taken a slower ship and stopped every night from reaching Sharp Point on ignores why he’s journeying to King’s Landing in the first place: his father just died and he is going to be crowned king, unmistakably the most important event of his life. As the crown prince, he has access to the fastest ships and most experienced crew. This is no time to stop to rest and leave the realm without a king (especially if you believe that others are plotting to take the throne, as Da3ron’s actions after arriving regarding Daemon Blackfyre and his father’s Small Council indicate). There is no technical reason why a journey that should’ve taken 3-4 days instead took nearly 2 weeks. The only possible reason for such a massive delay is a character-based one: that Da3ron did not wish to arrive in the capital so soon. Waiting that long almost undoubtedly meant he was not there for the funeral (given Aegon’s condition at death, it makes me think he was buried shortly after; in addition, the news of the death would’ve had to have reached Da3ron before he could depart, which would’ve taken 1-1.5 days by raven), which would’ve been the best opportunity to show filial piety, or at least pay respects to the old king from the perspective of a successor. Da3ron wore his father’s crown allegedly to prove his legitimacy, but the gesture seems rather empty after taking so long to come to the capital that he missed the funeral, and the coronation itself was the only event described as “swift.” It makes it seem as if he did not care for his father, purposely avoiding the capital until all mourning was done and then claiming his crown. This might have been the case given they were estranged the last years of Aegon’s life, but no matter his personal feelings, it would’ve been politically wiser if he were to come to King’s Landing as fast as he could, especially given the doubts of his legitimacy and his paranoia over claimants to the throne. The very tense succession of Viserys I to Aegon II officially took place on a single day; understandably such a short passage of time wasn’t possible in Da3ron’s case, but potential problems in a succession makes Targaryens act faster, not slower.
What makes matters worse is that Aegon’s death was obviously not sudden in the manner of Viserys II’s. TWOIAF’s description of his demise includes, “he was grossly fat, barely able to walk, and some wondered how his last mistress—Serenei of Lys, the mother of Shiera Seastar—could ever have withstood his embraces.” Serenei was Aegon’s mistress for at least a year, and undoubtedly a man who was barely able to walk does not have long to live. Toward the immediate end “his limbs [were] rotting and crawling with fleshworms”; there was even debate over this condition: “the maesters claimed they had never seen its like, whilst septons declared it a judgment of the gods” in addition to palliative care “Aegon was given milk of the poppy to dull his pain, but elsewise little could be done for him.” It seems like the final stage of Aegon’s illness could’ve taken weeks or even months, if there was time to discuss its cause and for worms to start eating his rotting limbs, or for final treatment and a damning decree to be issued. The health of the king is obviously politically important, especially to his heir, so I think it’s unlikely Da3ron wouldn’t have known about this final illness. Certainly by the time Aegon was unable to rise from his sickbed, Da3ron should’ve been able to tell the end was near; he very well could’ve reached King’s Landing before Aegon’s death, let alone before his funeral. That could have altered the course of Westerosi history if he arrived in time to contest the will that decreed all of Aegon’s illegitimate children be legitimized. 
It’s important to note that it’s never explained why Da3ron was unable to undo Aegon’s deathbed decree. The Greens were able to successfully contest Viserys I’s will that Rhaenyra succeed him and instead crown Aegon II, once they got the majority of the Small Council on their side. In real life, Henry of Blois was able to release his brother Stephen and the rest of the barons from the vows they swore to uphold Empress Matilda’s ascension to the English throne, on the grounds that her father king Henry was wrong to make them swear the oath because it would threaten the stability of the kingdom (in addition to bribing the royal steward into alleging that the old king had changed his mind about the succession and nominated Stephen instead, which at least worked for William the Conqueror regarding Edward the Confessor’s will). It would’ve been even easier for Da3ron to contest the will because Aegon was in horrific pain due to ill health and given milk of the poppy, a drug that is known to “fill one’s head with clouds”; Da3ron could’ve said that Aegon was not in his right mind when he made the will and that any deathbed decrees should be discarded. If only he had come early enough to King’s Landing to plead his case before Aegon’s death, or failing that, to try to force a reversal through the High Septon or the royal steward shortly after, things might’ve gone better for him later in his reign.
To conclude what is a much longer meta than I expected, Yandel claimed that Da3ron arrived in King’s Landing from Dragonstone within 2 weeks of hearing of his father’s death. Through estimating the speed of certain ships and the distance between the two castles, we can determine it should have taken at most 6 days and in all probability more like 3-4 days if he conducted himself with any sense of urgency. But instead, he chose to arrive so far after Aegon’s death that he probably missed his funeral, which, coupled with the haste with which he was crowned, shows a lack of respect for a deceased father that goes against the teachings of the Faith of the Seven, the moral authority of Westeros (and probably fed rumors of his illegitimacy). Even worse, the nature of Aegon’s illness was so slow that Da3ron could’ve made it to King’s Landing in time to change or contest his will if he had bothered, thus getting rid of his potential rival’s legitimization. I can only infer that Da3ron’s actions were not motivated by political necessity (and in fact could’ve hurt him politically and socially), but by hatred for his estranged father. I don’t blame Da3ron for loathing a man who abused his mother and tried to start an unprovoked war with his wife’s family. However, I don’t think the characterization of him putting political necessities above personal feelings can hold water, at least where his own are concerned (the feelings of others under his guardianship, such as those of Aerys I, and perhaps those of Princess Daenerys and Daemon Blackfyre, might be different matters). Nor do I believe that he should get a pass for making politically unwise decisions due to personal grudges when Aegor Rivers, who also had long-term vulnerabilities (disgrace at 2 weeks of age, the execution of half of his family at 6 years, invited into a court that hated his family...and that’s before the Blackfyres start getting cruelly murdered) is reduced to a one-dimensional villain for behaving similarly.
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stupidsimfairy · 2 years ago
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Alright TS4 Community. Let’s Talk.
I have seen an insane amount of backlash and drama still going on even after EA changed their TOS to fit cc creators demands. Drama is inevitable in general, there’s always going to be some sort of drama happening regardless of where it falls on the severity spectrum. ( This post is only about SIMS. Don’t bring other games or content in this, As well as MY OPINION since it is MY blog. Thank You. )
I’m going to be addressing the following:
1. CC creators early access abuse
2. CC creators ignoring EA’s new TOS
3. EA’s decision’s with their TOS being mistakes
4. Egotistical & Victim Mentaility cc creators 
CC creators early access abuse
For background information, EA put out an updated TOS update. One of the main things people immediately started posting about was a permanent ban on all forms of paywalls, permanent, Early access, VIP, etc. This was quickly changed after EA recieved heavy backlash since cc creators were upset. They changed it to a ban on all permanent paywalls whilst early access was now acceptable for a “reasonable amount of time”. Of course most cc creators were quick to jump right back onto the early access train. Because of EA’s limitless time spectrum when it came to early access many people ( non & cc creators ) said that 2-3 weeks max behind a paywall no more than $10 should be the maximum thats considered acceptable. Althought this is an unwritten rule by EA and is one made by the sims fandom, many cc creators chose to ignore the acceptable time frame and chose to go for a month+ behind paywalls. A couple creators i’ve seen have priced their sims cc $20-$70 for a paywall that will never be taken down regardless of what they say. 
Let’s get this straight.
I’m pretty sure i speak for most if not all of the respectable sims community when i say that the 2-3 weeks if any for early access is this MOST it should be. Whilst being charged no more than $10 max. Personally the $5-7 range is the best to go if you’re charging for your cc.
CC creators ignoring EA’s new TOS
I’m sure its no surprise that this is happening as well as not even being talked about much. In reference for background information to the previous point. some CC creators are pretending that they aren’t noticing EA’s TOS or anything thats related to such. EX: ignoring comments, dm’s, tweets, posts, videos, tags, etc. Now, EA has a report a creator system ( which ill link at the end of this whole post ), that actually seems to have been working. EA isnt allowed or is going to go into detail about what they’re going to do with the creators but we’ve seen creators whole pages being completely removed after ignoring EA’s TOS and being reported. There are certain creators continuing overcharged permanent paywalls regardless of what people say or EA in general. I should make this clear that EA is the whole reason why you have a income from these paysites, without sims you would not be able to do what you’re doing. So why disrespect them in such a rude way. Profitting off of EA’s game and listing things in defence such as “ CC creators are using their own designs, their own models, & their own textures “ is such a weird loophole you’ve found around EA’s TOS. Yeah sure they use their own things but they are making them for a game, its not licensed, its not needed for the sims, its not made by EA, its an add on to a game that other fans are creating. If you’ve made or seen YouTube videos about CC you’ll notice that if you want to make a HQ finished product, an easy way that a ton of sims 4 CC creators gatekeep is simply exporting offical sims 4 base-game meshes to Blender from Sims4Studio to keep the weight for their new products. Many sims 4 items are stolen from other games and simply imported and converted to sims and sold to CC consumers. Many people are making more excuses such as maybe the creator doesn’t speak english. Then why’re their posts and replies in full english? Also just so we’re clear EA has a translated page for these rules into many languages, not only that but im 100% sure that many people who speak their native language are talking about this too because they saw it somewhere, people who speak other languages other than english aren’t from another planet where they cant work social media and translators. Trust me. THEY. KNOW. THE. RULES.
Heres My Take.
Sims 4 is and will forever be a game where people make custom content, EA, like any other game company has rules to follow and you must stick to them, If you are wanting income for your work do it fairly or dont do it at all. Nobody, NOT A SOUL is going to pay $60 for mediocre cc you made in a free program that is plain and boring, that is the price of five human t-shirts from a box store during a back to school sale. It’s crazy how they think its okay. You can’t and will not be heard out for your weird loopholes you thought of in the shower during a shower thoughts moment. EA says reasonable amount of time for early access and anything other than that is illegal. THEN thats what it is. Some people act like making a tumblr post about EA’s rules being unreasonable and unfair is going to make EA insantly change their rules to fit their fragile needs. 99% cc creators are fully grown adults with lives of their own, If you are able to get a job and work then do so? instead of scamming kids and young people as well as doxing them for your income.
EA’s decision’s with their TOS being mistakes
EA should have thought what they wanted thoroughly before hitting post in a panic. Making a huge statment of banning all paywalls was an instant drama causer and pissed a lot of people off including CC creators. Many CC creators insantly deleted all their cc out of anger. Now don’t get me wrong the same amount of CC creators altered their blogs and patreons to fit the rules and lifted all paywalls and was incredibly kind to everyone. These kind creators listened and understood that some people can’t afford their prices monthly on such an unstable website such as patreon ( which literally charges you again at the beginning of a month if you bought a subscription at the end of a previous month.. whaaat?? ). This whole situation in itself should have never happened if EA just thought it through a little more and ignored social media press. 
Egotistical & Victim Mentaility cc creators
A dozen CC creators are sitting on very high horses. You aren’t entitled to extreme payment, you arent entitled to having everyone listen to you whine about your pyramid scheme being broken down in the span of a week. It’s really sickened me to see many cc creators i once supported, get aggressive with people who gently confronted them about their ignorance. They either get angry or play the victim and it can be very manipulative for people who dont know how manipulative people get you in their grasp. This is such a huge topic and its very difficult to keep it short because i’m going to make a seperate post prior to this one about this specific topic. But just very breifly i’ve seen a lot of creators post about how they feel they have the right to get angry since its their content and their property whilst being a their only form of income. Another topic ill touch on in the later post is the fact that i’ve seen creators use their disabilities as an excuse for their anger towards EA. Combining all this together the one thing ill say now is that no matter what their excuses or reactions are towards this situation it will always be a “okay?” situation. I’m disabled myself and i would never bring up something like that in order to manipulate people into feeling bad. Yes it sucks for you if you are disabled that this was once a stable form of income but its now not and instead of being insanely rude to people who dont control EA’s TOS find something else to get paid for. Many including myself have made posts about how CC creators can get income without paywalling or breaking TOS. I suggest you look at other things you can do instead of pumping mediocre overpriced paywalled CC out like a factory.
Conclusion 
Before you get irritated with me for voicing my opinions take into consideration that you are doing the exact same thing. Im a autistic person with a learning disability on top of other physical and mental illnesses and im not going to use it to get sympathy from people to gain attention. I SUGGEST you do the same. I’m in no way hating on every person in the community, 99% of these takes are aimed directly at problematic CC creators. 
I’ll make a part 2 to this post as well as a seperate post for point 4 in a later date talking about the problematic CC creators that i’ve seen ( racism, anti-LGBTQ, abelism, abuse, manipulation, scamming, illegal activity & more. )
Report A Creator:
To report Mods, give us the details right here on EA Help:
Click Contact Us from any page on EA Help.
Select The Sims 4. If needed, use the search bar to find the game.
Select your Platform.
For Topic, select Report concerns or harassment.
For Issue, choose Report website.
We recommend logging in to your EA Account.
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op-gyn · 3 years ago
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For the giving up makeup thing, it might help to start small, like one makeup-free day a week, or maybe cutting down the amount of products (foundation or concealer seems to be the most harmful from what I've heard, and the best to get rid of first).
The other options is "ripping off the bandaid." By going cold turkey (stopping all makeup use at once), you'd get used to your natural face much faster, and so would those around you (limiting the amount of times you'd get asked if you were ill by people who have no idea what a human face looks like without makeup). As someone who hasn't used makeup in a very long time, I can attest that absolutely no one has commented on it, not men, not women, not children, not old people, not coworkers, not bosses, no one.
An extra tip, for helping dissuade yourself from using makeup you already own: makeup does not last forever, but it is very rare for it to have a printed expiration date. The absolute maximum timeframe for keeping makeup is 2 years, and eye makeup can become filled with bacteria as little as 3 months after breaking the seal. (Healthline, 2020) Try to remember that it's not sanitary, next time you feel like putting it on.
I hope this helps 💛
Thank you so much for responding! This seems like very good advice so I’m posting it for all the other rad babies.
I think my relationship to makeup is different than what yours was. (Also, congratulations on being free for so long!!!).
I guess the good news is that I already don’t wear foundation/concealer/blush/etc.
But I cannot leave the house without filling in my brows.
Then other days I will do my eye makeup (liner, mascara, & lashes) and lip gloss on top of that.
Hearing that my eye makeup is unsanitary is starting to irk me though. I clicked on the link you provided and also did some of my own digging just now: and I am beyond surprised that I haven’t gotten any infections yet. So if I do continue with my makeup, one thing that will definitely need to change is how I apply/the stuff I use.
Should I still try and give it up even though it brings me happiness? Or is the happiness something that I’ve been conditioned to feel?
It seems maybe I’m not as dependent on it as others since I have no problem leaving the house with nothing but the brows…
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grailfinders · 4 years ago
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Fate and Phantasms #97: Nightingale
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Today on Fate and Phantasms, we’re making everyone’s favorite medical practitioner and biting enthusiast, Florence Nightingale! The good Ms. Flo is the most skilled nurse in Chaldea, with a variety of techniques to deal with disease and ill health on and off the battlefield. She’s not afraid to use them, so try not to get sick.
Check out her build breakdown below the cut, or her character sheet over here!
Next up: RUN! It’s a creature legally distinct from Godzilla!
Race and Background
Nightingale’s a Human, and the variant version gives her +1 Wisdom and Charisma, as well as Insight proficiency and the Crossbow Expert feat. Some settings allow for pistols, but some don’t, and we’re playing it safe here. That feat means you can attack multiple times in a turn with a crossbow, attack within melee range without disadvantage, and if you’re holding a crossbow in your off hand and another weapon in your main hand, you can attack with the weapon as an action and the crossbow as a bonus action.
Nightingale might be a nurse, but she spent most of her time patching up wounds in the army, and the Soldier background gives her proficiency with Athletics and Intimidation, both things she pretty good at.
Ability Scores
Make sure your Wisdom is as high as possible for the best medicine checks and spellcasting. Make your Dexterity the second highest to multiclassing, damage, and to keep your AC up (that’s not exactly heavy armor). Your Charisma is next, you can be “persuasive” when you want to be. And by that I mean you’re terrifying. You may be pretty lucid, but you’re still a berserker; that means you’re hard to take down, and that means your Constitution should be next. Your Strength is pretty low. We don’t need it, but you’re still a berserker, so we’re dropping Intelligence instead. You don’t really care about topics other than medicine, so it’s not like you’ll be using it that much.
Class Levels
1. Cleric 1: Shockingly, the nurse is a Cleric. However, you know the best way to avoid infections to kill anything that could infect you, which definitely makes you more of a War cleric than a life one. As a war cleric, you start out proficient in martial weapons, which means we don’t have to jump through hoops to get your hand crossbow like we did with Shirou’s weapon. You’re also a War Priest, meaning a number of times per day equal to your wisdom modifier you can attack as a bonus action after attacking with your main action. This means you can still have two attacks per turn without having to dual wield like your feat wants you to.
You also learn Spells that you can cast and prepare using your Wisdom. You also get Domain Spells, which always count as prepared and you don’t have to spend prep time getting, like Divine Favor and Shield of Faith. The former makes your gun run a little hotter with radiant damage for up to a minute, and the latter gives a creature extra combat awareness, boosting their AC for up to 10 minutes.
You can also prepare spells outside your domain; healing spells are an obvious choice, but you should also check out Detect Poison and Disease and Purify food and Drink to make sure you have some antidotes on you.
Finally, you also get cantrips. Guidance adds 1d4 to an ability score, so long as they follow your directions for fluids and bedrest. Mending puts two things back together (it’s intended for nonliving things, but I’m sure it works fine on limbs too). Spare the Dying is what you’re actually supposed to use when people’s limbs come off, stabilizing creatures at 0 hp so they don’t have to worry about death saves.
2. Cleric 2: Second level clerics can Channel Divinity, either Turning Undead to make those that fail a wisdom save of DC 8 plus your wisdom modifier plus your proficiency, or making a Guided Strike, adding 10 to your attack roll. Some times the most effective way to end a disease is to end the person it’s afflicting.
3. Cleric 3: At third level you get second level spells, like Magic Weapon and Spiritual Weapon. Despite the similar names, the former improves your existing weapon a bit and makes it magical to avoid resistances, and the latter makes a brand new weapon that you control as a bonus action each turn. Along with your domain spells, you also get the performance enhancing drug Enhance Ability, the tranquilizer Hold Person, and more Protection from Poison.
4. Cleric 4: Use your first Ability Score Improvement to become a Healer. Now when you stabilize a creature using a healer’s kit they regain 1 HP, and you can spend a use of a healers kit to heal a creature for 1d6+4 HP, plus an extra amount of HP equal to their maximum number of hit dice. This healing can only be done once per short rest for each creature. Doctors gonna doctor.
Also grab Thaumaturgy so your Angel’s Yell can carry further.
5. Fighter 1: Bouncing over to fighter gives you a fighting style, like Unarmed Fighting, which gives you unarmed attacks that deal bludgeoning damage, but more so if you’re not holding your crossbow at the same time. Guns are nice, but sometimes you’ll have to get physical. You also gain a Second Wind, letting you heal yourself as a bonus action. This means you can save your regular materials for your party members.
6. Fighter 2: Second level fighters get an Action Surge, making it a lot easier to heal and shoot people at the same time once per short rest by adding an extra action to your turn.
7. Fighter 3: Grab the Banneret as your subclass to gain a Rallying Cry. Now using your Second Wind also heals your party members for a little bit as well! It’s not much compared to healing spells, but sometimes you run out of slots.
8. Cleric 5: Back in cleric now, your Turn Undead becomes Destroy Undead, instantly killing any undead monsters with a CR of less than 1/2 when they fail their save. You also get third level spells like Crusader’s Mantle and Spirit Guardians. The former causes everyone’s guns to run hot with radiant damage even if they’re using a sword, and the latter summons a couple angelic guards to protect your patients. If you find yourself in a lot of close-quarters combat, you can also use Spirit Shroud for some extra enemy control and damage.
9. Cleric 6: At sixth level you can Channel Divinity twice per short rest, and gain an new option to do so. You can bestow your War God’s Blessing on nearby creatures, spending your reaction to add 10 to their attack roll.
10 Cleric 7: Seventh level clerics get fourth level spells, like your domain spells Freedom of Movement and Stoneskin. The former helps you gnaw off your arm like a rabid coyote to escape capture, and the latter gives you all the relevant benefits of raging without stopping you from casting spells. By that, I mean it gives a creature resistance to nonmagical physical damage types. But you’ll have plenty of competition for your concentration, because you can also cast Aura of Life and Aura of Purity this level. One gives creatures in it resistance to necrotic damage and instantly revives non-hostile creatures who’ve been downed, and the other prevents diseases, weakens poisons, and empowers your party against most status effects.
11. Cleric 8: At this level, you can finally use an ASI to improve an ability score, bumping up your Wisdom for better healing and more bonus action attacks. Your Destroy Undead also bumps up to CR 1, and your Divine Strike makes your weapon attacks a little stronger once per turn. Turns out guns are stronger than crossbows, who knew?
12. Cleric 9: Ninth level clerics get fifth level spells. Flame Strike can be one of those neat little bottle-shaped grenades, and you also get Hold Monster for an even stronger tranquilizer. Beyond that and some healing spells, there isn’t really much at fifth level that screams Nightingale to me, but feel free to play it by ear.
13. Cleric 10: At tenth level you can use Divine Intervention to ask God for a bit of assistance in keeping your dumbass party alive. You can use this once per long rest, but also have to wait a week after it succeeds. Since you’re a full level of spells behind regular spellcasters right now, calling in a favor from time to time might come in handy.
You also pick up your last cantrip; Toll the Dead is another solid way to finish off diseased or injured enemies before they can spread whatever’s affecting them to the party, dealing more damage to creatures who are missing HP.
14. Cleric 11: Eleventh level clerics get sixth level spells, and like last time there’s not much specifically at this level that caught my eye. But that’s only if you’re playing the character religiously close to canon, and you probably shouldn’t be if you want to jive with the rest of the party. Or maybe you’re all playing expies of other characters, idk live your life.
15. Cleric 12: Use this ASI to bump up your Dexterity for better gunplay and AC.
16. Cleric 13: Now you have seventh level spells, and unlike the last few levels, there’s spell outside of your usual healing you might want to check out. Temple of the Gods. lets you build your own temple within a cube of 120′. It lasts 24 hours per cast, but casting it once per day for a year in the same spot makes it permanent. Inside the temple, extraplanar entities can be kept out of it if they fail a charisma save, and they also get 1d4 subtracted from their attacks, checks, and saves while inside. The temple is immune to divinations spells, and the temple also boosts the power of healing spells cast inside of it. Great for giving your keep it’s own medical wing.
17. Cleric 14: Fourteenth level clerics have a Destroy Undead that affects creatures of CR 3 or lower, and their Divine Strike becomes a little more powerful as well. You just learned how to build hospitals from nothing, not every level can be a massive leap forward.
18. Cleric 15: You pick up eighth level spells this level. By this level, most spells are a bit too flashy to fit into Nightingale’s toolkit, but Holy Aura still manages to do it. Creatures within 30′ of you glow, and get advantage on all saves. On top of that, attacking creatures have disadvantage, and fiends and undead have to make a constitution save or become blinded for the duration of the spell.
19. Cleric 16: Use your last ASI to bump up your Constitution for more HP and better concentration saves.
20. Cleric 17: At seventeenth level, your Destroy Undead gets even stronger, you get ninth level spells, and most importantly, you become an Avatar of Battle, granting you a permanent resistance to nonmagical weapons. Effectively, you’re always raging, but still have access to your spells.
Pros:
You’re something of a tough nut to crack, especially for a healer. You’ve got quite a bit of health for a cleric, ways to heal yourself and the party at the same time, and a sort of permanent rage damage resistance going on at the end of it.
Despite being a healer, you’re also pretty skilled in ranged combat, with plenty of ways to add more damage to your crossbow bolts. You might not have multiple attacks like most fighters, but you make your shots count. This also means you don’t have to be quite as deep in combat as your standard “mace and shield” cleric.
The healer feat and your Rallying Cry give you access to nonmagical healing. This is most likely to be a niche skill, but sometimes you’ll have to deal with anti-magic zones or low-magic settings, in which case you’ll still be able to shine.
Cons:
Despite us putting several levels and feats into making your crossbow good, you’ll still always have to deal with the fact that it’s nowhere near as strong as a fighter’s would be. It’s fine for emergencies, but you probably won’t be the standout damage dealer of the group.
Bumping over to fighter for a couple levels also prevents you from getting the Cleric capstone, and they have a really good one. Guaranteed divine intervention is nothing to sneeze at.
You don’t really wear armor, and you don’t get anything like monks or barbarians do to offset that fact, so if you’re playing to character your AC is abysmal. Like I said earlier though, feel free to put on a breastplate or something, there’s no wrong way to play D&D. Except for in person, and not wearing a mask.
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samtheflamingomain · 3 years ago
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25.21%
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I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.
I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.
Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.
I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!
TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.
Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.
To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.
I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.
That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.
It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.
Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.
This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.
Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.
I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.
Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.
My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.
When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.
That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".
What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.
I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.
This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.
Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.
Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?
Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.
We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.
In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.
Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.
I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.
I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.
Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.
Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.
I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.
Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.
A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.
I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.
One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.
Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.
I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.
Stay Greater, Flamingos.
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drelleboag · 4 years ago
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“Who got the power”? Jese...that’s who!
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So, it is confirmed, after 9 years of being a core part of the girl band Little Mix Jesy Nelson has left the building…and why? Because Jesy has had to endure unrelenting trolling and cyber bullying since appearing on the X Factor in 2011. Jesy has been targeted for the past 9 years about her looks, her body shape and her voice…all of which, in my humble opinion are odd things to target as I think Jesy is beautiful, has the figure that many women aspire to (even go “under the knife” to achieve) and an amazing singing voice. However, mine and many hundreds of thousands of voices upholding such a view has little effect on the negativity wrought by the lesser number of cruel online bullies who remain anonymous in order to spread their spiteful and incendiary “voice”.
Seven in 10 young people report experiencing cyberbullying and 26% report feeling suicidal, so clearly the psychological impact of cyberbullying impacts deeply, leading to serious mental health illness such as depression and anxiety, low self-esteem and loneliness. I remember watching Jesy’s speaking out about her experiences and the experiences of others in a documentary on BBC3 in 2019, and at the time wondering if it would relieve the venom that stalks her on social media platforms. Clearly the answer to that is a resounding “NO”, but how Jesy has navigated her own “story” since then is testament to her tenacity and resilience. So kudos to her fighting spirit and strength of character by saying in the most public way possible “enough is enough!” may she be a standard bearer for those who have to suffer at the hands of cowardly bullies who hide behind anonymised false identities whilst they vomit their vitriolic and often unsubstantiated “point of view”, provoking additional spewing of hatred and attacking from others simply “because they can”.
So why do cyberbullies and trolls do it? Well to answer that honestly, you would need to ask them…and we don’t really know who they are as they hardly step up and identify themselves…even Katy Hopkins, whose public and hateful outbursts have led to her famously being branded as the most hated Celebrity in Britain, has the Kahunas and honesty to be open about it – albeit as a means of increasing her fame and notoriety as the “villain” perhaps? Anyway, I digress…one of the key reasons that trolls troll and cyberbullies bully online is because they are anonymous. It has long been recognised that anonymity leads to deindividuation and subsequently all manner of negative behaviour…just think back to any and all crowd-based disturbance… it is individuals within the crowd that cause the most harm, act in the most violent, antisocial and even criminal ways, simply because they are anonymous, and their individual actions are less detectable. It is a small number (in the grand scheme of things) of individuals who start the ball rolling by trolling and cyberbullies continue in their wake once the poison has been injected into the comments on social media platforms. As with trolls, cyberbullies are anonymous and their actions are kept, albeit very close to the line, within the parameters of what is “legal”. In the UK cyberbullying is not, in itself a crime… shocking, but true. There are specific laws that might be breached by trolling someone online, such as the Malicious Communications Act (1988), the Protection from Harassment Act (1997) or the Communications Act (2003) to name but three…but how do you prosecute someone who is anonymous? and who ensures that their actions are as close to illegal as they can get, without (mostly) crossing that line? Basically… you can’t!
So why are celebrities such as Jesy being targeted? Is it jealousy? Or is it something else?
In answering this question, I can only voice my own view, one that I have talked about across the media for some time…it may be explained by the fact that we now pretty much all have social media and can “connect” with “@real….” Celebrity accounts across numerous platforms. Celebrities are now immediately accessible…we feed off of their comments and tweets, we see and review their photos as they live their lives in the public sphere…and as such, we feel a far stronger connection with our chosen celebs. For their part they send us “blanket statements” about how much they love us, how much they are thankful for our support of their latest album/movie/TV role/award…etc. But this is a precarious situation as now we can feel that we own our celebrity, that without us they are nothing that we gave them their status and that we can control their future success or failure. For celebrities such as Jesy in 2011 the feelings of ownership can be argued to be particularly important. The public had journeyed with Little Mix from being created on X Factor® (as each band member auditioned as a solo artist) through their auditions as a group, to the judges houses and finally voting for them to win. Social media accounts were created as part of their existence and platforms were regularly updated with news about their journey; this all added to establish a sense of ownership of the band’s successes (e.g., “if we don’t vote for them, they will be sent home this week”)…and the public developed a need to be connected to them 24-7, expected immediate responses to and likes of comments/tweets, feeling let down if responses are not quick enough, the activity of favourites were compared to fellow band members and the “who is your favourite?” question was raised (mine, btw was always Jese!). A comparator that has always made between females (and is now on the rise for males too) is about idealised (and outdated) looks, body shape/size…for example: too thin, too fat, too small, too big, too short, too tall, too White, too Black, too flat chested, too busty.
Anything that allows comparison (so basically anything at all), that favouritism of one person over another that then offers the opportunity for trolls to make their first insinuations and drip-feeding of poison onto the platform… someone responds to them… and it feeds their need to add more negativity, and so it begins…cyberbullies then see an opportunity to really dig in with some nastiness…again, by responding, their negativity and hatefulness grows… they positively thrive on the defence of their chosen target! They don’t care what you think of them, you don’t know who they are…they could be anyone for all you know! … and there is that anonymity again!
So, what, if anything can be done? What can targets of trolls and cyberbullies do? How can they protect themselves from experiencing the psychological harm that comes from persistent pervasive drip-feeding of poison about their looks, their body shape, their personality, their talents, or other personal attribute aimed at bringing about the maximum hurt?
Well take a leaf out of Jesy’s book…take back control
I have cobbled together some loose ideas that might help you work through the process of taking back control below, these are simply my thoughts about what you can do, but if they help then that is only a good thing:
1.     Make it known that you are coming off of social media and do so straight away. You do not have to justify the decision, and do not wait around for the bullies to respond…just close your accounts.
2.     Now identify what is causing you the most upset. Is it the words? are they tapping into your own insecurities? or is it the intention behind their words that is most upsetting? is it something else? …etc. If you don’t know, speak to close others (e.g., family and friends) and ask for their view.
3.     Once identified, focus on what impact experiencing the cyberbullying and trolling is having on your mental health…and be honest with yourself…and speak to close others (e.g., family and friends) about how they feel it is impacting you, remember that they see you from the outside, from your behaviour and responding to them…not from the inside (as you do!). Don’t feel judged or guilty, it is simply about identifying what it is that you
4.     Next, address the immediate issue about your mental health. If it is having a detrimental effect on your day-to-day life speak to your GP, take someone with you if you feel able to; having a second “voice” can often be helpful to identify issues that you might forget about, or that you haven’t identified; your GP needs as much information as possible to help you properly. If you are not impacted on a day-to-day basis, and/or once your mental health is on a stable footing, ask yourself whether you feel able to tackle this without professional help, or whether you should undertake some counselling? or whether you are willing to work with close others (family and friends)?  and importantly are your close others able to (although they may desperately want to) support you properly? If no to the latter, seek out a counsellor or seek advice online or over the phone from one of the many mental health charities that exist (e.g., Mind, NHS mental health and wellbeing support, young minds) who will signpost you to appropriate support networks.
5.     Recognise that working through the effects of your psychological and emotional trauma is not a quick process. It takes no time at all to knock someone down (for chronic attacks this is exaggerated) but it takes a long time for them to have the confidence to stand up again. Be invested in building up your resilience and confidence.
6.     Surround yourself with people who mean something to you; do not isolate yourself…we are social creatures and need to be with others. If you live alone, join a group and get involved in community activities, if you are religious get involved in your faiths’ community projects … I am sure that your volunteering will be most gratefully received (and I believe even permitted under tier 3 restrictions…but do check!). There are ways that you can be active and be sociable that do not involve going to the pub! Which by the way is totally out for anyone in tier 3 anyway!
7.     Live your life free from the chains of those who brought you down!
Finally, always remember that you are you…and only you can be you…it is not for others to tell you who you are, and anyone who wants to do so is simply not worth your concern. Be stronger than them and remove yourself from the equation…take you back from them…and always have the lyrics from Little Mix themselves in 2017:
“Who got the power? I got the, I got the power I got the, I got the power I got the, I got the power Hold up!”
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: James Abrahart / Camille Purcell / Dano Omelio
Power lyrics © Bmg Gold Songs, 360 Music, Artist Publishing Group East, Robopop Musik, Sony/atv Music Publishing Allegro (uk), Jayded Ink Publishing
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yellow-r-o-s-e · 5 years ago
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NEURODIVERGENT
There’s definately something wrong with Roman. He just wants to know what it is
Word Count: About 4500
Warnings: lots of talk of assorted mental illnesses, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, and anorexia, pretty detailed description of a panic attack, self deprecating feelings, mentioned past abusive relationship, imposter syndrome, implied gaslighting, let me know if there’s anything else I need to put, I don’t know how to do this, there is a happy ending but please be safe
Notes: This is a fanfic of the wonderful “Love and Other Fairytales” by @tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors. It’s technically a Sanders Side fanfiction, but you don’t need to know anything about Sanders Sides for her story to make sense. It’s a really amazing modern fairy tale, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who somehow hasn’t read it yet. Also the story below probably won’t make any sense without the context.
In her story, a few of the main characters (Virgil and Logan) are autism coded, which I can relate to a lot with my ADHD, and I ended up projecting said ADHD on a different character, Roman Gage. It’s a bullet fic because it’s so long it would take me a week to write it all out, and also it’s very self-indulgent and I put my own self-insert OC in because noone can stop me from having fun. Not edited because we die like men. Enjoy!
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It starts on what should be a perfect day. It’s early September, Logan is off at a “fairy” lesson with Virgil. It’s not too humid anymore, it’s cooled down just enough to be comfortable. And Roman thinks it would be a perfect day for hunting in the woods
Except as soon as he thinks about hunting, he thinks about h i m and he’s suddenly nauseous
But it’s fine, Roman’s fine, besides he has lots of people to talk about it with now. His bfs know and are supportive, and Mamaw knows too now. He doesn’t even miss Dee that much…
And oh mother gothel he does not feel good he needs to think about something else
He suddenly remembers that he is in fact currently having a picnic with Patton and he should focus on that
And he’s aware that Patton just asked a question but he doesn’t know what Patton asked, And he feels really bad but he just smiles and asks Patton to repeat himself
He wishes he could actually pay attention to his bf the first time but life hates him apparently, and Patton’s talking very slowly and carefully because his lessons are helping but he’s still afraid of hurting Roman. And heck if that doesn’t make Roman feel even worse
Anyways, Patton says he’s concerned that Roman hasn’t eaten anything, and offers to go somewhere else for food if Roman doesn’t want picnic
And Roman just laughs and says he’s fine, he just ate a big breakfast. Except. He didn’t eat breakfast at all. He doesn’t know why he said that but now he’s panicking inside as he continues to talk to Patton on the surface level. He’s not trying to not eat on purpose, he’s just really not hungry much
So he’s very worried about himself now as he realizes he’s been skipping meals like crazy recently. He knows he’s not anorexic because like, it’s not intentional. He just keeps forgetting his body needs food to survive??? Is that a normal thing to happen???
Ten minutes maximum pass before he’s spilling all of this to Patton because he’s Very Worried and they’re trying to be more open with each other anyways
And Patton, who’s already been worried about Roman since the whole ’planning to die to save his friends without telling anyone’ thing, is like “have you considered speaking to a doctor”
Roman’s like “Mamaw hates the physician” and then Patton reminds him he’s an actual adult and long story short a few days later he’s having a meeting with Dr. Sherwood
He’s being asked all the standard questions and he’s just realizing ‘oh no, there’s definitely something wrong with me’. He’s having trouble sleeping, trouble eating, trouble focusing, things that used to make him happy don’t anymore…. And Dr. Sherwood says he probably has depression
Which honestly makes a little too much sense after all the heartbreak and loss and isolation and abuse and whatnot
He gets officially diagnosed shortly after
There’s no therapist in Wickhills but Dr. Sherwood offers to prescribe antidepressants
But antidepressants can be very finicky and Roman’s not in immediate danger or anything so he figures he’ll just try Mamaw’s potions and whatnot for now and maybe change later
He’s very afraid to tell Mamaw but surprise, she’s not mad at all. Well, she’s a little upset that he thought he had to sneak away to go to the doctor
They talk, and depression treatment is a lot more complicated than just a quick spell but they agree to be more honest with each other when they’re having bad days (because May’s physical health is not doing great either)
He talks to the bf squad too, and he feels guilty telling them for some reason. He doesn’t want to be someone for them to take care of, y’know, he wants to be the one taking care of them
They’re all like “Roman shut up you’re beautiful and talented and amazing and we love you”. Patton reminds him that he literally planned the picnic they just had. And the entire summer he was like, stargazing or serenading or painting with one of them at least once a week
They remind him that it’s okay for the roles to reverse every once in a while. It's literally not healthy to never ask for help, even if you don’t have depression
He’s already been unofficially working with Patton’s parents for a while and he has a long talk with the Wallers about it and 1) it’s not like they could replace him if they wanted 2) they still want to keep an eye on their son’s bf and learn more about what he’s doing (He doesn’t actually let much slide but they can hope) and 3) they’re nice people
so they work on making his hours flexible but not too flexible so he can miss work if he’s not feeling good but he still feels needed and has responsibility. It’s a struggle but everyone’s doing their best
Plus the Wallers are practically trying to adopt Roman in their son’s absence so it’s not like they wouldn’t be doing this anyway
And Roman starts to feel, not great, but more in control of his life at least
And there are always the good days, it’s almost always good when he visits his bfs, he starts liking acting again more, he starts getting excited about musicals again
And now that he’s a knight and he’s making good memories with Virgil, the woods aren’t making him feel icky anymore
And all the squad talk to him and promise to not undercut his happiness when it’s there. They work to not overreact when he’s surprised to be happy, and tell him he’s never annoying, he’s always free to ramble about whatever he’s excited about
And soon he’s looking into theater college applications, and he’s hanging out with Thomas and Remy, and he sees some touring Broadway shows (Wicked, The Lion King and Mary Poppins) in Cleveland, and Bell and him and sometimes Virgil are hunting in the woods again, and he’s a knight which is amazing, and he has self-confidence again,
And Logan found a perfect college which Roman is very happy about, seeing as he’s the one who did THAT to get Logan a chance to go to college a while ago. And Logan invites Roman to go on his college visit with him (along with Thomas). And Roman does feel a bit guilty because he feels like the only reason he was invited is because of the whole fae deal
But it’s fine, he’s happy to be going with Logan anyways
Virgil says he’ll be fine with Patton, they manage to find a flight that won’t go over any rivers (they don’t know what would happen but they don’t want to risk it). They’re all packed up for a few days and Logan is so happy he’s glowing
Roman can’t stop smiling either tbh, he just nods and listens to Logan rambling about how cool the greenhouses are. And it’s perfect
Until suddenly,,, it’s not???
Because the airport is Too Loud, which he tries to ignore
And something deep inside of him is afraid of Logan being away for so long because he’ll miss him but he ignores that too, it’s just excitement probably, right?
And then the plane takes off, which makes Logan a bit nauseous but it’s super fun for Roman, it’s basically a rollercoaster, right? He gives lots of comforting forehead kisses and Thomas is jokingly like ‘ew affection’
But then?? The seat belt buckled signs are still on? And Roman cannot move?
He’s trapped in the seat, trapped in the plane
He
Cannot
Move
And it’s So Loud all of a sudden. And he doesn’t even realize he’s frozen until he’s calming down and Logan is Squishing him
And they talk about that a bit and claustrophobia is normal it’s fine
And the trip goes pretty well. Actually, no, it was better than pretty well. Logan found his college and it’s perfect and Roman needs to stop being so Selfish and judging the trips success by his own experience
But Roman is still just worried about Logan leaving, what if he ends up hating the school? What if he gets trapped?
And he’s having flashbacks to the college visit before that ended terribly. Because he still hasn’t really forgiven himself for how upset Logan was when he got locked out of Wickhills after brief freedom. And he Does Not want to hurt Logan again
And then the intrusive thoughts start coming and he can’t stop them. And he’s worried about a ton of things that would never happen
What if Dee’s curse is still there somehow and when they get back Logan’s locked out of Wickhills?
That doesn't even make sense, stop-
What if Logan doesn’t actually want to go to college and he’s just faking because he feels bad for Roman, and he’s going to be miserable here?
Logan can’t even lie and why would he do that?
What if- stop
What if- Stop!
And this has definitely been happening for a while, he realizes, it’s just been much harder to ignore on the trip, where he can’t just block out the thoughts by picking apples (not that that works very well either)
So he talks with Logan and Thomas on the plane ride home and then he does a few google searches while waiting for luggage when they get back
And he’s now 100 percent sure that he’s been having anxiety attacks and/or panic attacks, like, several times a day
And he sees the doctor very shortly after getting back into town
It takes him 20 minutes to get diagnosed with general anxiety
Dr. Sherwood asks ‘is this happening very frequently?’ and Roman asks how often frequently is and it’s about once a week apparently. Which is laughably low compared to Roman. So now he knows that he has both depression and anxiety
His family and bfs know and they’re doing their best to supportive
Roman has a whole bunch of exercises he can do
So now it should be better, he knows what’s going on, right?
But he doesn’t feel any better At All. In fact, it seems to be getting worse by the day
And a lot of Roman’s panic attacks are just him being afraid he’ll have a panic attack and then be a burden. Which is so dumb and cyclical and he knows his bfs won’t be mad but that doesn’t stop it from happening
At least Logan and Thomas know how to deal with panic attacks and help him. And the bf squad all learns they can tell him when he’s being unreasonable. But the trouble is sometimes he absolutely knows he’s being unreasonable and he keeps doing it
He tries to go on meds for a cool minute but he doesn’t get better he just gets exhausted. And May’s potions are more personally suited to him anyways. Not that he’s good about taking those either
But it’s fine he’s strong he can handle it it’s fine it’s okay
Cut to a few months later around late winter
There’s a bright moon, the woods are all quiet, and it’s honestly just so soft and relaxing. And Roman’s enjoying being a knight and chilling with Bell and Virgil
There’s not even anything bad happening that they need to deal with, or anything to hunt down, they’re just kind of chilling in the woods on horseback
Bell’s catching Virgil up on fairyland happenings that he missed because he pays more attention to Patton than the actual court; Roman’s catching him up on what Logan and Elliot are up to
And then, it’s such a small thing, it shouldn’t ruin there night or even pause it, But as they’re laughing and Roman playfully punches Bell and Virgil rolls his eyes
This absolutely harmless garter snake rubs against Roman’s leg
And he’s just instantly Not Okay At All
And Virgil notices immediately and just glares back to see what hurt Roman, thinking some idiot fae with a death wish played a trick on him
Virgil’s really angry but trying to look calm for Roman and he meets eyes with Roman for half a second
Roman sees something incredibly familiar in his eyes and now he’s Even Worse
Virgil takes a very limp and frozen Roman who’s smiling a little too blankly and agreeing with everything V says back to fairyland and is talks to him soothingly but it takes Roman a very long minute before he’s even talking
And Virgil’s just a complete mess
And when he finds out that it wasn’t someone hexing Roman or anything, it was just his a snake that wanted to move and V’s stare, he just switched to exhausted
There might be a bit of crying on both of their parts but don’t tell anyone
And Roman wants to talk more but his voice isn’t working and he’s stuttering a lot
And every question Virgil asks about his comfort (do you want me to call the others? Do you want me to take you home?) makes Roman even more stressed so eventually he ends up snuggling with Roman in that bed for the night
And Bell checks in on them later and is very obviously a part of the Kill Dee Again squad
It had been like 2 months since Roman had the nightmares and he’s never had panic attacks like this before, he doesn’t know what’s happening
He doesn’t know why Dee’s still haunting him? What did he do wrong when he tried to forget him?
He has nightmares but Virgil’s afraid to wake him up, he might completely break down again, and Virgil doesn’t even know what he’d say anyways
He doesn’t think breaking down sobbing again would help
Roman wakes up in the morning just exhausted and starts crying again anyways
He tries to talk but it goes badly so he ends up communicating with Virgil through writing, which is much easier, though his hand is shaking and the paper is tear stained
And Virgil’s just absolutely heartbroken by how helpless Roman looks
Roman tried to apologize for not being able to talk but Virgil points out that he and Logan have trouble talking without thinking first for fae reasons and so does Patton, Roman isn’t going to be a burden on the group by being the same as everyone else
And Logan comes in lead by Bell
And he’s the calm that the other two need right now
He’s stressed too obviously but he translates his stress into logical thinking
And the word PTSD comes into the conversation for the first time
So guess who gets another diagnosis? Our boy
He finds out that PTSD symptoms often take a while to show up, he hopes it will disappear again but who knows
Not him
And the symptoms cross over (avoidance, sluggishness, panic) so it ends up replacing the other two diagnoses
So that means that he doesn’t have depression and anxiety after all??? It was just PTSD?
And Roman blindly agrees because these appointments are becoming habitual
But it doesn’t feel right?
Because there’s still something about him that feel distinctly Not Normal that PTSD itself can’t explain
Because some of his restlessness, unhappiness, recklessness, has existed since before he made the deal
So he feels like he might be faking PTSD because it can’t possibly ALL be caused by Dee
And be feels like he’s being unfair to Dee and heck if that’s something he can just say to his bfs without them getting on his case
He knows it’s dumb so it shouldn’t be a problem anyways
Hahahahaha
On a different note he’s still not sleeping anywhere near a normal amount
Dizzy says it’s because “Night Roman” screwed up his sleep schedule
Then there’s also the nightmares
And the lingering feeling that he’s slacking off while sleeping, he should be working on something else
So he talks to Dizzy and does research and he’s not sure if it counts because of his strange specific situation, but he decides he has insomnia in some way or another
And that’s an easy fix with potions (it’s not, they don’t work for long)
And then, before he can blink, he’s in college, and school is a thing
And he Loves acting, he Loves all the literature, he Loves picking his own classes and making new theater friends and speaking other languages with people
But then, during the “actual classroom classes” it’s not good all the time
There is something deeply uncomfortable about being stuck in a chair for multiple hours
Where you have to be somewhat quiet and pay attention to what the teacher is talking about
Like, you have to go at Their Speed, not yours
And he realizes that maybe it’s been like that for a while
Maybe it was his year off that made him realize it, maybe Wickhills is just that different
But he doesn’t like doing his general ed classes
Which is weird because he loves learning
And he’s super focused most of the time, but sometimes he just can’t hear the teachers?
And he remembers homework perfectly UNLESS he writes it down
And he can’t convince himself to do math and science homework no matter how hard he tries but he doesn’t tell anyone just pretends he’s purposely ignoring it
Oh and also whenever people criticize his acting or essays it’s physically painful but that’s probably not a big deal
Oh and schedule changes are the literal worst thing to ever happen in his life
So he thinks he might have hearing problems which is why he misses that they have homework or can’t hear people talking no matter how hard he tries
So he’s tested for hearing loss, tested for tinnitus and nothing
And then he realizes he sometimes struggles to read and write the correct way? He loves literature but he finds out that to other people, the words are not usually messed up like that
So he tries dyslexia, vision problems, dysgraphia, and still just nothing fits quite right
And maybe he’s making excuses and he’s actually just too dumb to be in advanced literature?
So he starts worrying that maybe he just wants to be special
Maybe he doesn’t have any mental illnesses, except just hypochondria
Except as soon as he starts considering hypochondria, OCD comes up
Because he feels incredibly, obsessively worried about everything
And there are times when he just has to do something other than pay attention and maybe those are compulsions
But maybe he’s wrong because the compulsions aren’t usually about fears, he just wants to wiggle around, click his pens, etc.
And that’s when he starts considering Tourettes
But that doesn’t work either because it’s not that severe, he’s way more able to resist impulses than he should be
And Tourettes wouldn’t explain enough anyways
So we’re like halfway through Roman’s freshman year and he’s just very confused?
Is he neurotypical? Does he have every mental illness ever? He doesn’t know
He still has a PTSD diagnoses but hasn’t been triggered as badly as that first time again, so he’s not even sure if he had That
And then Logan comes home for winter
And he’s very happily explaining how college is going in Maine
They already know lots but it’s fun to hear it in person
And Roman asks if anyone suspects he’s a fairy and if that’s causing problems and Logan says most people probably just think he’s autistic
And Roman is confused because that doesn’t seem at all?? related???
But Logan and Virgil start explaining autism and it does make a lot of sense and
Wait a minute is that what he is??????
So Roman just doesn’t freaking sleep for a week after Logan goes back to school because he’s researching autism nonstop
And it doesn’t feel right but he doesn’t know if it’s because of stigma or something else
It doesn’t feel like a bad word when he uses it to describe Logan but that could just be self deprecation he doesn’t know
And the ice cream bar model makes it really hard to tell because there’s so many options
And some of the symptoms are other mental illnesses
So he decides to just go with it for now, try it out as a label in his own head
He doesn’t tell anyone because that makes it more real and stressful and he’d feel guilty if he was wrong
But he starts using headphones to block out noise, gets himself some fidget toys to use in class, he learns that he likes certain stimuli and dislikes others (that’s not proof though that’s every single person, isn’t it?)
he starts getting better at writing conversations down first, bringing index cards actually makes him look smarter, not useless like he feared
So he still feels guilty because he’s pretty sure he’s not actually autistic and he doesn’t tell the boys
He can actually lie unlike some of the squad
And they’re all so used to getting “the world is too loud” from V and L that they don’t even realize something is different
Because remember, they’ve been hanging out with Roman for years, he’s always been restless and argumentative, and outside the college the main difference they see is he’s happier
So cut to a few months later
In some general ed class which Roman despises but that’s life
He’s partnered with the “smart girl” of the class, Serena Miller, on a group project
Which is very lucky because he has no idea what the heck is going on it’s way too theoretical for him
And she’s super patient, and they actually really click and they’re becoming good friends from they’re meetings
They’re hanging out more and more after school and she happily explains mathematical paradoxes and knot theory and he talks about the plots of different musicals
And they both just nod along half the time because they don’t completely understand, but the human interaction is very nice
And anyways Roman has this sudden realization that maybe she’s flirting with him and she’s just doing all of this with the expectation that they’re going to date
He just freaking blurts out “I’m gay and also taken” because God gifted him with chivalry, not subtlety, okay?
She’s confused and pauses for a second
Like “good for you but what does that have to do with three dimensional coordinate systems”
And he’s very awkwardly like “oh sorry I was afraid you were flirting with me”
She’s like “lol sorry for freaking you out, I just really like math, and I tend to latch onto other ADHD people because they’re just so much easier to talk to”
And Roman’s like what did you say???
So after a very long and repetitive conversation he realizes she’s ADHD and also 100 percent convinced he’s ADHD too
He says “wait a minute I don’t have ADHD?” and she’s not even like “oh you don’t?” she’s like “oh, you didn’t know?”
She’s still writing out math problems for the research as this is going on BTW she’s a fidgety girl
So, long story short they head off to a cafe to talk more without being in the middle of a library
And they meet up with a bunch of Serena’s friends, a lot of which Roman knows from theater
There’s Jaclyn Steele who played his love interest when their college did Footloose (they were Ren and Ariel)
And Aïsha Pérez who did a Romeo and Juliet monologue with him a while ago
And Gabriella Clay who’s absolutely going to be on Broadway soon, she already was on it as young Nala in the Lion King when she was thirteen, noone has any doubts that she’s going back
They talk about ADHD, how it’s not actually being unable to focus
ADHD people are actually very good at focusing on things a lot of the time, it’s just difficult to switch tasks
And they can experience sensory overload too
He finds out about RSD, which is a side effect of ADHD basically translates to “misinterpriting wjat people say to think they hate you” disorder, and that explains so many things
And it also has side effects of not being able to speak very well when stressed, so that explains a lot to
And he finds out that literally All of These Girls have ADHD???
No wonder they were so easy to hang out with?
They’re all on the same wavelength
He’s really afraid that having ADHD means he’s broken for a second, but Aïsha explains that it’s not even a mental illness, it’s just a neurodivergence
“Your brain doesn’t work worse than other peoples’ brains, it just works different”
And yeah, they agree it’s a lot like autism
Gabriella was actually misdiagnosed with autism when she was little so she talks a lot more with him about how similar they are
They end up having a sleepover in Serena and Gabriella’s dorm room
(Roman callshome to let Virgil and May know not to worry about him)
They’re all spread out on the floor with blankets, watching the office bloopers on a cracked Ipad until 5am and it’s the best Roman’s felt in weeks
And it’s not like he’s “cured” now but it feels so so so good to know he’s not alone
He ends up talking to Dizzy (who’s supportive but doesn’t understand exactly why Roman cares so much), then Mamaw (who’s happy for him if a bit confused by his excitement, he didn’t really tell her too much about the Search for a label), then the bf squad who’re mostly like ‘heck yeah none of us are at all normal’
And Patton’s not in desperate need of a diagnoses but he says he’s def not neurotypical, and he’s probably not allistic
Roman’s afraid of visiting the doctor again for fear of being denied a diagnosis
He doesn’t know what he’d do if he was told he was wrong
But Patton talks to Emile (with permission of course), and Emile gets help from his own Psychology professors and ends up doing 90% of the paper work and helping Roman with the exact criteria for diagnosis, so Roman has no doubts by the time he walks in to the hospital
Emile is also like oh that’s cool me too so that’s how Roman finds out that Emile is ADHD too
Eventually Roman does get an actually diagnosis and medication that works WITH his ADHD, not against it
And it turns out ADHD isn’t exclusive of the other things he considered, he probably did have actual PTSD and depression and anxiety and maybe more, but at least he has the root cause of so much of what makes him different
Emile also mentions there are a few other weird towns and offers to help get Roman a therapist who wouldn’t freak out about Wickhills
A few months later he ends up video conferencing Dr. Aaliyah Dixon from New Orleans and she doesn’t bat an eye at his talks about making a deal with the fae and having his memories magically separated
So he’s not “cured” by any means, but he knows who he is now, his boyfriends know how to help, he has college friends to bond with, and he’s absolutely not alone
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arieso226 · 4 years ago
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Progress; the end to police brutality
  NO. 1
   Since the video of George Floyd’s death went viral on the internet, there have been protests across the world, calling for the policemen in question to not only be fired, but arrested and to serve the maximum in jail, and calling for . The senseless murder and case that follows brings up once again the senseless violence of police brutality and race in America once again. For me personally, seeing another black man be killed in such an egregious manner was...numbing. I also realized that events like this have become normalized for me. I didn’t exactly react because I, as a black woman didn’t know how to react. 
  The anniversary of one of the greatest race massacres in the United States occurred yesterday May 31, the Tulsa race riots, where in 1921, a white mob attacked not only black residents, killing between 30 to 300 black people, but more than 1,400 homes and businesses were burned, and nearly 10,000 people were left homeless. 
      NO. 2
I bring this up because historically, things have not changed in America. Police brutality is still the subject of attacks motivated by race. Throughout several years where we thought cases where black men have been shot and killed by the police would be a slam dunk trial; meaning that the officers involved would be prosecuted and serve the maximum in jail, and yet  the opposite happened, like the Eric Garner, Stephen Clark and Trayvon Martin, and new cases, like #RayshardBrooks and #ElijahMcCain. And yet, those officers in question were acquitted. 
The right to protest is protected by the First Amendment in the Constitution, where all citizens have the right to free speech, freedom of the press and the right to peacefully assemble. I write this because it seems like others don’t fully understand the protests going on now; the people who think that ‘peacefully protesting’ means to passively protest. And to passively protest means to erase the voices of millions in this country who already feel like their voices are not being heard. A great man by the name of Martin Luther King jr. said in his Letter from Birmingham Jail said, ‘’Shallow understanding from people of goodwill is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.’’
   NO.3
Too many black people have been dying at the hands of police at a dis, and the cause of it is directly tied to historic links of slavery and institutional and systemic racism. We want police to take accountability for the crimes they commit against innocent people. For eight minutes, George Floyd pleaded with the officer who had his knee on his neck. All officers need to uphold the responsibility of ‘to serve and protect’. If fifteen bad policemen are on the force, and there are 1300 good officers who do nothing to check those fifteen officers, then there are 1,315 bad police officers.           
I believe that these protests are just the tipping point, as people around the globe now are fed up with the injustice. Racism comes in various different forms, and it’s our generations time to stand up and acknowledge that these brutal acts have got to end, and that goes for anyone whose job is in law enforcement, medical fields, politics, teachers, fashion, entertainment, sports, or media, etc. All lives do matter, but until black people are treated like actual citizens in this country, then that’s a false and inconsistent statement, since it is meant to derail the black lives matter movement. Inequities still exist in this country, and pretending not to see it is just as wrong as those who are actively racist. We owe it to ourselves, and for the men, women and children who were killed over the years at the hands of police brutality, to not only research our public figures, especially in politics, and hire the ones who have our best interest at heart as a nation, but to enact new laws and bring about everlasting change.
Every last protestor who feels this is wrong, that innocent people are dying must vote. Voting sixty years ago used to be for the privileged, and now we all have that right to do so. The black lives matter movement was started by black women who feel action must be met. Black people deserve the same respect as any other human being, and the fact that it took two weeks of protesting and looting for that police officer to be arrested even though his death was video recorded is despicable, and the fact that it took even longer for prosecutors to arrest all the officers who were present for the death and didn’t help Floyd at all showed that widespread and global outrage was the only way justice was going to be served. 
So what are some solutions to this crisis? How can police officers gain the trust of their communities back? Done are the days where senseless killings are being swept under the rug, accustomed to a ‘few bad apples’. There must be stronger requirements for police officers and tougher training so that this doesn’t happen again. There is always going to be lawlessness, of course. But if white protestors can assemble on the streets of Congress with rocket launchers and AR-15’s during the early stages of the COVID-19 crisis so that they can open up their businesses without being tear gassed and shot with rubber bullets, then black people must also protest for their rights. 
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kasplode · 5 years ago
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okay enough abt bkg.... deku next >:)
:,,) ok time to hurt my other baby boy ! (btw the OG tweet said ‘MAXIMUM potential anguish’ so. im so fucking sorry for number 2.)
TRIGGER WARNINGS IN TAGS.
1. PH!bkdk from my previous Pain Post. except lets take it a step back. bkdk are planning their futures together. they wanna be a duo. they’re gonna kick ass. they wanna work with their classmates, maybe open up their own agency? deku’s so excited, but the pressure of all might’s legacy weighs on him more and more by the day. he tells no one, but oh, it keeps him up at night. his performance as a hero, his professional appearances, his fucking private life-it’s all going to be scrutinised. hell, most of the class have been in contact with PR people since second year. but regardless of all the complicated bs, what bkdk really wanna do is make all might proud. they’re together, and their families and classmates know- there were varied responses, but it’s fine. they’re fine. but soon, kacchan starts talking about the future of their relationship. deku tries to avoid the conversation. kacchan gets upset at him for it, calls him a coward, and they argue. a lot. eventually deku cracks and tells katsuki their relationship needs to be kept hidden from the public. after weeks of arguing, katsuki snaps no, he won’t accept that. izuku sobs as he gives katsuki an ultimatum: keep their relationship secret, or they can’t stay together. they almost break up under the pressure of it all, but ultimately, kacchan agrees to keep it a secret. (it’s a shame that in the years to come, their relationship would end and be outed.)
2. kacchan is kidnapped. again. izuku fails to save him. again. but this time, there is no coordinated attack, there is no known motive, there is no rhyme or reason or suspects or any clue to where his kacchan is. weeks pass. clues are investigated (tirelessly, by izuku, who is a pro and you have no fucking right to keep me out of the office, i’ve earnt my place here, i need to keep working-!) but every thread to katsuki has been mercilessly cut. izuku doesn’t waste away, because kacchan needs him, but he doesn’t live in the time he spends searching. weeks, then months. years.izuku doesn’t let his hope (desperation need terror loneliness agony) die. and then, one day, kacchan turns up. izuku breaks who-knows how many laws getting to the hospital kacchan ended up in, getting there in record time. hope flares in his heart, bright and genuine, for the first time in years. he is met with a barely-alive, emaciated body. comatose. it’s months more before kacchan wakes up. his memory is spotty, but he knows who izuku is. he can get better.it takes only days for kacchan to make his attempt. it wouldn’t have been successful, but he was already in such a bad shape... and izuku fucking shatters. 
(I HATE MYSELF AND MY BRAIN IT KEPT GOING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE OF MISERY. FUCK. ARE YOU HAPPY? ARE YOU HAPPY THAT I AM HURTING MY BABY BOY?)
3. izuku is kind of old, for a pro. not all-m old, but pretty old. (active pros don’t usually last that long, after all) after his successor has graduated from school, izuku teaches, continuing to do as much PH work as he’s physically able to. OFA is dwindling, his time is running out.. but he still has more people to save. it’s all well and good, until villains destroy UA. Izuku & his students fight. some students escape, even. but Izuku was injured in the initial explosions, and he’s old, and OFA- gives out. he fights on, weak and in agony, as the children, his children, are hurt around him, falling one by one.
his last thoughts: i wonder if i’ll see my classmates again. i hope my successor will be ok. i wonder if ill ever be forgiven for this. im sorry.
(do u see these getting shorter now. do u SEE)
4. inko gets sick. izuku spends every second outside of class with her. she gets worse. he starts skipping class, too. (even though he mostly spends his time sat by her bedside, watching her ever-thinner form sleep) worse, still, and they don’t know whether or not she’ll die, but it could happen. izuku all but moves in to the hospital. he gets in trouble (not trouble, they just want to help, but their ‘help’ would take him away from his mother-) but he refuses to leave her side. he’s alone, most of the time. he spends days, weeks, months in the company of his mother’s shallow breathing and the beeps of the machines that keep her alive. everyone’s worried. he still won’t leave, won’t talk. once he misses enough school, they tell him he’s at risk of failing the year; he has to go back. izu doesnt know what to do
5. listen this shit is legit takin a toll lmaooo XD  im too emotionally invested in my boys so short final one: deku, quite unintentionally, loses his quirk. loses his spot at UA. loses his dreams, his future, his closeness with his class. they can’t help but move on without him, ykno? he feels fucking terrible. sinks into depression. and lives his life, quirkless once more, except now, he knows exactly what life he has lost.
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dramafanforever · 5 years ago
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Enemy in an Alien World
First chapter of my new Drarry fanfiction (translation from German)
Summary:
After 3 years in Azkaban Draco is allowed to finish his sentence in the muggle world on probation. He’s a broken man and does not know anything valuable about the muggle world. The ministry assigns him an apartment in Camden. Unfortunately (?) his neighbour is Harry Potter who is the owner of a café on the ground floor. What will be the outcome of their forced proximity and what will Harry do when he becomes a witness of Draco’s unability to handle the world of muggles?
                                              - Chapter 1 -
The day Draco Malfoy moved into the rooms next to Harry's apartment was a day like any other, yet it should turn Harry's world upside down like no other event since Voldemort had brought himself down with his own death curse.
It was a Monday, 1st October 2001. That year terrorists attacked the World Trade Center in New York, Wikipedia was founded and Prince William met Kate Middleton at a Scottish university. Douglas Adams had died and bands like Outkast, Linkin Park and Blue stayed in the top 10 of the charts for weeks. Millions of fans were eagerly awaiting the premiere of the first part of the “Lord of the Rings” and billions of text messages were sent worldwide via Nokia and Ericcson cell phones.
Harry was well informed about the muggle world because he owned a small café in the bustling Camden district of London, not far from Camden Market, which was popular with Londoners and tourists alike. The café was in a busy little street called Parkway. It was one of the few places in England where the wizarding and the muggle world were allowed to mix, a place where squibs, muggles and wizards, connected by love or kinship, could meet without going against the statute of secrecy. It was also a shelter for those who needed help to process all the feelings that an encounter with the other culture could cause. In the evening discussions were held for muggle parents who didn't know how to deal with the accidental magic of their children. Mixed couples spoke about their everyday problems and siblings who had been denied the chalice of magical talent could vent their disappointment without being judged.
Harry's apartment was on the first floor on the left just above the café. After the death of Mrs Pentriss, Harry's next door neighbour, her apartment stayed uninhabited for three months. Mrs Prentiss had been a teacher at a public muggle school and had passed away peacefully at the age of 93. She had no relatives and since the Ministry of Magic, which owned the building, could not find any heirs to get her things out, the apartment was going to be rented out furnished from now on.
Harry had known that the apartment would be occupied again in October. What he hadn’t known was the fact that the new tenant was his old arch enemy Draco Malfoy. He found out about that on the day Malfoy moved in.
Harry was tidying up his café and just about to wipe a table by the window when three people appeared in front of the building and stopped undecided. They wore ill-fitting, out-of-style muggle clothing and moved as if they felt watched. Harry only had to look once to see that they were wizards. One of the three was a tiny woman. She pointed to the front door and talked to a bulky middle-aged man who was standing next to her. The older wizard had his fingers wrapped around the arm of a skinny, tall guy as if to prevent him from running away, although the younger man showed no intention to move at all. He was waiting impassively for his companions' decision to enter the house or not. A long, beige trench coat slithered around his thin body and the black hood of his sweater jutted far above his head. A few strands of white blond hair peeped out from the sides. He clutched a brown, almost ridiculously small suitcase and kept his head down. Harry was not able to see the man’s face, but something about his attitude sparked Harry’s curiosity.
Before the three of them disappeared through the front door, the blonde man suddenly raised his head and looked through the window into the café. His eyes met Harry’s and for a moment the time seemed to stop. The young man was Draco Malfoy, though he didn't show any sign of recognition when he stared into Harry's eyes. A few heartbeats later the older wizard pulled Malfoy  out of Harry's field of vision.
Harry slumped into the nearest chair. What was Draco Malfoy doing here? He was supposed to be in Azkaban. Harry had last seen him at his trial. That was three years ago and Malfoy had looked just as sickly as now, lean and pale, with deep-set eyes and an apathetic expression on his face.
A terrible notion spread through Harry. He got up and ran to the side door of the café that lead into the stairwell of the house. He opened it as quietly as possible and listened.
"Here it is," the witch's voice came down to Harry from the first floor.
Harry heard her fumbling with a key. Apparently the lady was not used to opening muggle locks. After a short while a familiar squeak indicated that Mrs Pentriss’ door was opened.
"In now!" The older wizard ordered. A rustle and some stampling, then the door was closed. Harry sighed and went back to the front premises of the café. No more than ten minutes later the witch and the older wizard appeared on the pavement next to the big windows. There was no sign of Malfoy. Harry hurried to intercept the two wizards before they could disappear again.
"Good morning!" He greeted almost breathlessly.
"Good morning ... Harry Potter! What are you doing here?” the witch asked, her voice raised in a mixture of surprise and delight.
"I was shopping." Harry wasn't going to tell just anyone where he lived and worked. "Was that Draco Malfoy you had with you?"
The two wizards looked at each other as if they didn't know if that information was confidential. Apparently they came to the conclusion it wasn't and replied, "Yes, Draco Malfoy."
"I thought he was kept in Azkaban."
"He was - until yesterday. The ministry released him on parole.”
"Didn't he get five years?" Harry had testified for Malfoy at his trial, but that hadn't stopped the Ministry from imposing the maximum penalty for underage criminals on him.
“Yes, five years, but due to his good behavior his punishment has been reduced. He will be living in the Muggle world for the next two years.”
"It's cheaper for us than keeping him in Azkaban," the wizard informed Harry in a smug voice.
"Does that mean he's moving in here now?" Harry waved at his house.
"Yes, but don't worry, he doesn't have a wand and he is only allowed to use magic in case of an emergency or for his defense - if he can do wandless magic, that is. He can’t harm anyone and will be checked by his probation officer regularily. Otherwise, he can move around freely as long as he doesn’t enter the wizarding world or leave the country.”
“You know, this building is owned by the ministry and an apartment has become vacant. Malfoy will receive a monthly allowance. He’s quite lucky, I guess, for being a death eater and all,” the wizard added.
“But...” A feeling of impending doom swept through Harry’s body. Something dark and dangerous was piling up on the horizon and Harry didn’t know how to stop it. He wanted to protest and urge the two wizards to get Malfoy out of his house. Harry had built himself a nice and peaceful life here. Being in Malfoy’s vicinity, living in the apartment right next to him could only mean trouble. Harry didn't know how to make the two wizards understand that and he suspected it was futile to try. He wouldn’t be able to change the Ministry's decision.
Harry’s relationship with the minister of magic was a bit strained since he had refused to act as a puppet for the new Ministry. Instead of becoming an Auror right after the war and appearing as the radiant or tragic hero at galas and memorial events, Harry had repeated his 7th year at Hogwarts and then withdrawn from the public by opening his little café in muggle London. He didn’t want to act as an advertising figure for wizards who still were prejudiced against muggles and didn’t really try to change their corrupt ways.
Harry did a lot of good for wizards and muggles, but his desire to bring the two worlds closer together was not well received by the new minister. Melbroke wanted Harry to focus on the wizarding world exclusively.
Harry couldn't change it and he didn't really care what others thought about him. He had done his duty and was happy with his life. He had kept his old friends and made a few new ones. He had created a niche in which he could live in peace and with the feeling of doing something useful. Now, Draco Malfoy was threatening to destroy all of this, and Harry didn't know what to do.
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That’s Parkway in Camden, London.
(My English is not good enough to write full-length stories, but I wanted to show a piece of my writing to the community here. Don’t expect to ever read the whole story in English.)
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bomberqueen17 · 5 years ago
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the thing about tiny houses
There was a good article in the Washington Post (I think?) about the downsides of tiny houses-- basically, the Tiny House people are so caught up in all the excitement of An Eco-Friendly Tiny Home that they’ve forgotten how expensive and wasteful it is to not have any storage space. Excellent point as well about how if you cram into a small space, your furniture will wear out faster too.
That’s the thing, as I’m looking at tiny house stuff. People are so enamored of it, and it all feeds into the same unsustainable trendiness as Expensive White-People Minimalism, which relies heavily on a dieting sort of mentality, where you’re Going To Become A Different Person This Time, so you throw out all your shit and buy new shit that’s Different Somehow, and eventually realize you’re still the same person you were (gain the weight back / gain the clutter back) and instead of noticing that it’s because the idea was ill-considered, you blame yourself for not having successfully been Remade, and in the end it’s way more wasteful than if you’d just kept living your life the way you had been. 
So anyway. That’s a bit wearing, to have to sift through all that. I’m looking at tiny houses because it’s a fun way to consider the problem that my yurt is destroyed and I need somewhere else to stay part-time. And I’ve contemplated it, and yeah I could probably stay in a guest room either at my sister’s, my other sister’s, or my parents’, but that’s not sustainable and will lead to them getting cranky with me, me getting cranky with them, and a lot more miles on my car in the case of having to stay off the farm while their sole guest room is otherwise in use (and in fact, that’s how it was, before I built the yurt, and it was very frustrating all around). So... I can approach this with a pretty clear conscience that while it’s a bit extravagant to build a whole-ass cabin just for me, it’s not really that extravagant, and all the inherent wastefulness of a tiny house doesn’t really apply since i’m not making a separate kitchen or anything and I certainly don’t need storage space.  Although, for maximum flexibility-- they’ve discussed having more apprentices on the farm, in the future, and if I stopped coming they could use my cabin for apprentices if it had a kitchenette, so it’d be nice if there was at least room to add one in future. (There is already a cabin on the property for apprentices, but it’s already full with two bedrooms and really can’t be expanded much if at all.)
As a side consideration, there are a number of people who’ve expressed enthusiasm for assisting with this project. My dad’s an experienced carpenter, and my BIL has done a bunch of construction work (got his start working in a family concrete biz, built a barn last year), and then a ton of people affiliated with the farm community have building experience, while a separate ton of people want building experience, and altogether I figure if I come up with a charming enough project, there’ll be a bunch of people who’d want to help, and that’d be great because I’m not in any way experienced at building shit. So the less boring a project I come up with, the more interest I’ll be able to garner, and the fine line to balance there is making it cool without making it too complicated to actually manage. Also people are interested in helping, not in donating money, so I need to keep it affordable, too.
SO, here’s the results of what I’ve researched this week.
There are three ways this thing could go. 1) a tiny house with no kitchen or bathroom, just a bedroom and lounge space, just for me. 2) a slightly larger tiny house with a bathroom in it, which i could then share with the apprentices whose cabin farther back on the farm has no bathing facilities, which would involve some engineering but is not unfeasible. 3) an apartment built into a multi-purpose utility shed meant for maple sugaring and other farm purposes. (This would be a separate building in the cases of #1 or #2.)
So for possibility #1, I was thinking of something like this [https://www.pinuphouses.com/elevated-cabin-plans-virginia/], which is all one room plus a loft, has great little windows, and something of a porch. I’d face it toward the creek, of course. And I could probably build it on skids so it was movable. It’s basically 11x11x11, though the roof slopes to only 8′ high on the lower side. (Which is also super nice.) That’d be so perfect! And it looks easy enough to build, but cute enough to be interesting and attract help.
Possibility #2: if I took this floorplan and reversed the rooms on the first storey, so that the bathroom was near the entrance, I could then feasibly share the bathroom with apprentices without it being super weird or awkward. [https://www.pinuphouses.com/cabin-plans-with-loft-bedroom-mia/] (I’m using pinuphouses for floor plan ideas because they’ve got nice little pages for each of them with drawings and renderings.) So then the lower storey could be more or less shared space, and then the bedroom would be pretty private. I could surely cram in a couch that Farmkid could sleep on, and she’d love that. 
And then sort of halfway between the two is this one, where I could either omit the bathroom, or do the same as above where I consider the lower storey more or less shared space, and the upper to be private-- that one would allow for a separate guest-bedroom/lounge area that could intermittently host Farmkid or other visitors, perhaps even adults, so it’s a bit more flexible. However there’d be basically no room for any kind of kitchenette, which I don’t need but would make the space more useful if they used it for apprentices in the future. 
I like the first one for cuteness; the second two share the feature of a porch I could screen in, because it’d be nice to be able to sit outside but it’s super buggy in the spring and I had to huddle in my mosquito net in the yurt for most of last summer, which was so wet.
Possibility #3, pinuphouses dot com lets me down because none of their floorplans are anything like this. But I have started looking at carriage house plans. Here’s a screenshot of one I saw on Pinterest [h/t to @s-leary​ for the great bunkhouse pinboard]: 
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Like, wouldn’t that be darling?? Something like that makes perfect sense. And perhaps maybe even the bathroom could go on the lower floor. Like, whatever man. I haven’t strategized that as much. 
Also the bathroom idea is mostly mine; my sister hates having the apprentices take over her downstairs bathroom constantly but hasn’t actually made any plans to alleviate that, and that’s all my idea, and may not be feasible-- a gray water waste system is fine for showers, everyone says, but possibly not if two to four apprentices are all going to take extremely long showers every single day, which seems to be what the last couple of batches of them have been doing. In that case they’d wind up eroding away the whole fucking peninsula the new cabin is going to be on, and it wouldn’t work out, rather than just overloading the sceptic system until we had to get it pumped out this year. 
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queenofallwitches · 5 years ago
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Venus trine MC, my MC lies in Saturn and Saturn is in 9th house Aquarius.
Saturn Return, and my Soul Journey into 12th house Sun conjunct Mercury (in Aries) bound by the 12th house Shadow Secrets. Jupiter is Leo and Mars is softened by my conjunct cancer moon, both in my 3rd house. The kicker is Chiron simultaneously sitting over in my wounded goddess divine feminine Luna moon compelling me to build a home, a base and a clan of like minded souls. cancer and Chiron sit together and Chiron is akin to the wounded healer. I have a complex but alchemical natal make up and its been 6 years of accepting the square and oppositions in difficult places to come to terms to work with my natal astrology in a way I can become creatively involved in.
23/3/20 initiated the formal induction of my Saturn return as saturn transited to Aquarius for the first time since 92/93.
It’s a taste of the full saturnine swing coming up after the December 21st astrology grand conjunction. Saturn will be in Aquarius up to July. before moving briefly back before that grand Conjunction with Pluto/Jupiter later in 21/12/2020. (activity period from 14 April 2020 until mid-July 2020) Venus trine MC
Yeah on a tangent but one day I will be thankful this was forged. I am will using my moonchild manifesto to track the astrology and transits for my own wounded healer journey. I don’t have the consistency of a computer to hoard things as I did before the big brother fascism came full formed this year and cannot freely trust anything can be stored. I will be putting things online purely to keep a record of what may soon be lost, unable to be accessed.
Plus I’m burning my journals after I take the photos of them and upload them for a ritualistic purpose.
It’s part of this creative alchemy and trauma soul retrival quest I’ve found myself on. I note this as my Saturn is returning home for my FIRST Saturn return. I have been formally initiated for the infamous, enigmatic Saturn return that marks the passage from “adolescence into adulthood”. (Funnily last time I heard a university lecture on neuroscience, the latest research noted recent findings that the brain of a fully, functional prefrontal cortex in adult brains don’t become fully formed until age 28-30. This first sparked excitement and also uncertainty about the privilege cast to the “teenage myth”. As kids brains are still developing when things like getting a driving cars, choosing a life career, alcohol privilege and making other major life changes at those critical developmental stages are still as risky when a 12-16 year old does it. So now psychology and neuroscience knows that the adult higher order thinking that marks the turn of a mature and civil adult come in the late 20s. Not the teens. So until after 25 a brain cannot be fully assessing its choices due to underdeveloped prefrontal higher order thought processes This was fascinating in the social science side of things where we look into social constructs of society and how teenager was a made up archetype for a post war period. I remember being in my early 20s at the time and my life was no longer a race as it had been made to be prior.the schools of the latest brain neuroscience confirm my impulsive nature could change before age 30. I was hopeful. Maybe I wasn’t a gifted genius who was highly sensitive and afflicted with the contrasting “ADHD or Attention Deficit Primaily Inattentive” which could only be “treated” (as far as I had experienced), via heavy duty schedule 8 drugs. The kind of medication that calmed me down but other people wound beg me to have. Meaning in the past people in my life around me were constantly trying to turn into their party high by taking advantage of my disdain for psychostimulants. But my love and need for money back in that time. Fuck fake friends I say. Taking advantage or dysregulated prefrontal cortex with or without all my labels was still, after all, a risky business, when it comes to juggling psychopharmacology and a myriad of labels that resulted in other medicines given to me that may or may not be accurate. No brain scan or confirmation has been given that my brain is anything aside from ADHD. So my academic quest in childhood was confounded due to this.I learnt a lot about my childhood and growing up with a long list of multiple mental illness diagnosis, and the medical pharmacology given to me for those things; was beyond measurable.
But my neurochemistry was tweaked ineffably by both psychiatric pills pushed on me from age 9 and for things I may not even need. The end result of what my social science teacher termed “social constructs akin to mental illness medical model DSM labels”. My self pursuit of understanding my own brain was a hard thing to understand in the sense that prior to hearing about this from the side of academic and professional training, I had spend 12 years in expensive and possibly more damaging than beneficial treatment for “mental illnesses”. My life was a focal point for the goal I set to help women with the “borderline stigma” after I had fixed my own borderline.
Clinical psychologist was my end game until I found the trauma truth sweeping me into a existential soul contusion merged with trauma after trauma therapy went into flooding memory. Academic research and the psychology and counseling journals I spent my spare time fine combing. For answers. For my why and how. By the time I found any sense of this it became a painful limbo of dancing with my demons, coping destructively and limbo between the underworld and the reality I found my body and mind entwined in.
Now it’s even more synonymous to my own Saturn return journey and how the Saturn return is the mark of adulthood. This can be a speculative musing I make now on celestial astrology and how it aligns to our inner psychological makeup. (The Jupiter return is age 12, puberty ; and the other inner planets all mark significant development milestones in growing up. I’ll go into that more in later blogs).
Astrology is a map of the soul, psychology makeup, can be so deep too. How does it measure up to statistics? Sun sign horoscope is nothing versus the natal chart and how it corresponds to planetary magick and Kabbalah. I have been seperate in my magick and academic work but it was always my will to merge these at one stage I could research it. But now the sands of time are shifting, and Aquarius Saturn is calling for novel innovation I never could convey due to academic being seperate as spiritual, magickal practice is something I was careful to keep silence on when working with clients, peers and mentors, forget telling my psychologists or doctors who wound dismiss any test as “bipolar mania”. I remember once I read “the difference between the mystic and the mad man is the mystic knows who NOT TO TELL.
Now it’s my time to informally but officially start logging my journey into my own healing, soul mapping, I call it cognitive alchemy, gnostic psychology, soul psychology, metagnosis.. I’ve had many a name for the potential inspiration from my true will calling. But I can now forget about the archaic bonds from the academic world I was schooled to excel in by confirming. I am also a high iq gifted kid and having been labelled gifted but “adhd” simultaneously while having traumatic events left right and center is a mix of confusion for me. Teachers classed adhd as a learning disability, my in attention confused with inability to listen to simple tasks. This meant my mind never adapted to that school conditioning but my education was still installed due to the private school system somehow making my alters succeed without effort. Most of my spare time as a kid that wasn’t dissociative was reading books. By me processing my own literature in my spare time, I knew so much random stuff but hid it in order to seem dumb bc that was accepted. But in private in encyclopaedias and non fictional library quests I’d devour books. for my 10 maximum haul of borrowing books. This was a routine my mum and I went to do each week but my reading speed was beyond anything known, as I read and synthesised up to 10 books mostly in one day, from age 6 onwards.
I also stole books and hid my reading habits at school due to a deep shame of not being liked due to reading being for losers without friends, as girls bullied me over my gifted weird quirks. I was pretty but saw my self as ugly for trauma will deprive the mind of seeing it’s own true perception. I was never understood how my looks became a thing used against me by girls who were jealous until I learnt about this myself. I recently accepted and remembered this all after 3 years of integrated healing. I was doing this all on my own. the spiritual and metaphysical work is my primary tool that was keeping me here. Actually saving my suicide program from self destruct after the March 2017 incident I shall not talk about now. But I’m here now, alive, kicking, Saturn here to shove my shadow to consciousness without prompt and this change can bring me into a 30 year blueprint of setting things right.
Now in order to build a solid and functional framework and foundational life. I have a litany of secrets I need to get off my chest. I think to share my growth, my thoughts and my experiences for my own liberation of my deep dark secrets finally free to be released into the public domain.
I have no choice but to share this.
I do this co consciously as a part of my integrative process.
Maybe One day it might be a guide for someone who was as alone as I feel doing all of this self work without support. Maybe it will fade into the cyber void forever. Maybe I’ll use this as a tool to help clients in the future. Whatever this is means nothing but what the process of alchemy can do to forge my liberation from soul loss and traumatic dissociative trauma.
As a therapist I always wanted to avoid what I went through growing up. Now more so. I never want another lost dissociative mental health client who was also stuck between professional and academic pursuits being my “purpose” and having to sacrifice career and my study and research to sit in my shadow to see the shit.
In order to break the shit therapist mould I list journey through my own shit first. This meant I needed to be away from all therapy both as a client and practitioner and student for awhile. I’ve been off since the end of 2017 and now it’s clear it was neeed, how do I heal without healing my own shit first? Am I not the finest example of how bad therapists can get away with their bullshit and be paid for it but never really know who they are. I’m never doing that. I never was about that. So due to therapeutic negligence. I am finding my gift was the lesson. Those a shitty therapist who are a dime a dozen were the anti mentors I saw too often: but my purpose was to be a therapist. But a therapist who did things the way I never had.
Never did I want another to go into the heavy weight of shame from the secrets of sexual wounds, childhood schemas, mixed up and messed up conditioning made to seem functional to outsiders. But that was all alters. Now it was a spiritual journey as magick and my mystical path entwines to save my soul. The self awakening, trauma revelations, merging with the dark night of soul, and the shadow work. Plus everything else coming out is not a journey I can say is or was at all easy, I suffer more now as a co conscious intergrating my trauma. I feel it all without the dissociative switch to save me from witnessing all the shit. Now I see my entire life and it’s fucked up raw and grim reality and I have to do something because I survived it this far? Again I never suicided or stopped into self destruction when I knew my own inner child’s wounds were no longer blacked out but burning bright longing for love. Symptoms for survival and the survival was part of the dissociative switching making my outside self seem so functional, but never seen. It’s not something they needed to drug me for, but it’s another thing I have to address now. My symptoms they drugged with medications that were mind altering and powerful for anyone let alone a developing child’s brain, were suppressed by many meds. Who knows where that ends and the damage via trauma and other things begin? It’s a mess of some thing I was never aware of but always trying to silence due to the need for people to accept me. But that was many mes all living a life that appeased many people, but not for me. Here we are.
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