#sirius black/reader

[melancholictrishlana]

@777heavengirl loved this so much! 🚬

AM - Chapter 3

I Wanna Be Yours

Sirius Black x reader Chapter 3/3 Warnings: angst?, smoking, suggestive themes, fwb to lovers word count: 3,178 masterlist

Currently playing: I Wanna Be Yours by the Arctic Monkeys

Chapters i, ii, iii

Sirius Black did not think of himself as a hopeless romantic. He never cared for the lovey sickness or all the stereotypical heart designs, not the lace nor the saccharine-drenched desserts. He knew you did though. As much as you tried to hide it. He knew well of the small journal-turned-scrapbook you kept under your bed. The one with the tickets and pictures and scraps of napkins and doodles you had accumulated. Sirius Black was not a sentimental person. But he adored that you were. That you kept trinkets and other “useless” artifacts and bits just because they reminded you of a moment, of a memory, of a person. He missed watching you put your sentimental treasures in your boxes, in your journal. You pretended not to know he watched you. 

He wondered if you kept things from him. From your moments, your memories together, of him. 

He stared at the Polaroid Lily took of the two of you with her muggle camera. You sat on his lap, a cigarette between his lips and a fun pink drink in yours. His arm around your waist, his other hand resting on your thigh. The sparkly dress you wore that night was entrancing to look at even through the still picture. One of your arms hugged his shoulders and your smile was so wide the corners of your eyes crinkled. Your smile was so big it made your eyes almost close. His own lips rounded into a crooked smile between the cig. It was the night you first hooked up. The morning after neither of you could stop giggling. He kept the anxiety of not knowing how to move forward close to his heart.

He remembered your laugh as Lily took two pictures, one for you, one for him. It’s not like he’ll keep it, pads isn’t sentimental like that.

The truth was, you were wrong. He kept it in his desk drawer since that night. He’d look at it often when you weren’t in his arms. 

This was the smile he liked the most from you, he thought. The one right before you bust into laughter. He loved seeing it, it was like a firework, like a star shining in the night sky. He hadn’t seen that smile the entire time you had been in your relationship. He hoped it was just because of the distance between you that he hadn't seen it. But after the Ravenclaw party and the way Jacob had manhandled you. He wasn’t so sure anymore. 

Remus, Peter, and Sirius waited outside of McGonagall’s office door. It was normal for James to be in trouble. It was usually all of them together but, not in trouble for something like this. Sirius had gotten down just in time to see James’s fist colliding with the Slytherin’s face. The screaming between Marlene and your boyfriend had brought him down and James’s outburst had brought unwanted attention. As Slughorn took James away, Sirius dragged Peter and Remus down. They followed the professor and their friends all the way down to McGonagall’s office. Jacob had been sent to the hospital wing. 

Slughorn burst out of the office, no James in sight. The older man seemed upset but didn’t comment on the boys’ presence. The door rested slightly ajar. 

“Professor you have to understand, I couldn’t stand for it!” James loudly “whispered” to his head of house. James couldn’t whisper for the life of him. 

“Mr. Potter, while I understand that Mr Brown's comment made you very upset and I do not tolerate such foul name calling especially about a dear student like Miss Y/L/N-“

”It was more than name-calling Minnie!”

”Please refrain from calling me that-“ The boys outside could hear the amusement in McGonagall’s voice. It quickly faded. “violence is still not accepted, even if he called her a-“

”a whore! He called our Y/N a whore Minnie!” Sirius felt his blood drain from his body. He was going to kill him.

Remus put his hand on Sirius’s shoulder as if sensing the storm brewing inside of him.

McGonagall sighed and told James that he had a week of detention. Rather light for the offense. 

“She doesn’t know does she?” Remus asked James as he exited the office. James’s eyes went wide as he realized they had all heard, it wasn’t like he wasn’t going to tell them. He would on his own time, be a bit apprehensive of Sirius’s reaction. James shook his head no. You had no clue, at least from him.

”I knew he was a good-for-nothing bastard,” Sirius stared at the floor, his hands deep in his pockets. “I’m going to murder him”

If the boys didn't know better, they'd believe him.

-

You sat at your boyfriend's bedside. By the time you got yourself together and went down to the hospital wing he was sleeping off his bruised cheek and the apparent slight concussion from hitting the floor. You wondered if James was okay, wanting nothing more than to go after your friend. But you felt responsible for his state, even if he had called you something mean, you felt guilty. You felt like you had driven him to blind jealousy and childish name-calling.

"Y/N?" Jacob stirred awake, surprised about your presence. "thought you'd be with Black." His expression soured and his fingers gripped your hand that was placed on the bed. 

"I had half a mind to go wait with him for James" Your words were mumbled but you knew he understood you as he tightened his grip on your fingers. Marlene nor Lily had told you what he had said. Alice didn't have any shame in telling you however, he called you a whore Y/N, if I had been in the position to I would've beaten him bloody. You found yourself not caring what the boy had called you.

"I swear I didn't mean what I said honey," you frowned at the nickname "I was just so mad, I was upset, and your friend Maria-"

"Marlene?"

"Yeah that one, well she kept screaming at me and I just blew a fuse" You couldn't help but stare at him blankly. Jacob Brown was a handsome man but the temper he hid under a shy and stuttering demeanor had crossed a line, and fast. He lost whatever charm he may have possessed. He would never and has never made you feel the way Sirius Black does.

You were never really into blondes anyway.

"I think we're done Jacob," you pulled your hand away. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish, not expecting you to have the balls to rip the bandaid off. "And if I had been James, I would've broken your nose, so be thankful"

You got up without another word, he didn't dare speak either. You slowly started walking faster, out of the hospital wing, up stairs, and down hallways picking up more and more speed, until you were running. You sprinted as fast as you could, as fast as your shoes would let you. You could see the glimpses of the remaining sunlight peer through each window you passed. They flashed like a camera lens. You needed the rush of adrenaline, to remind you that you were alive, that your heart was beating. You stopped in front of the fat lady, her nose scrunched up at your disheveled appearance. 

"Rictusempra" She opened without further complaint. 

Your chest heaved up and down as you slowed down, entering the warm, cozy common room.

"How lovely of you to join us," James laughed from the couch, a small ice pack wrapped around his hand. "How's my favorite whore?" You laughed and scrunched up your nose and Lily gasped in surprise. 

"I'm doing great— newly single" your friends oo'd, "how's my amateur boxing champion?" You couldn't help but poke fun, James had a way of lighting up the atmosphere. You were grateful for it.

Lily ran her hands through his hair as she answered in his place, "he's doing better, he only has detention for a week,"

"Lils you're fussing over him too much he does not need that thing-" you laughed as you pointed at the ice pack, the redhead turned as bright as her hair as she laughed too. She knew but it never hurt to indulge James's dramatics. Most of the time.

"Minnie is a saint is all I'm saying," his words came out as more of a purr as Lily continued to pet his hair.

You struggled to ask the obvious, James looked at you like he was daring you to ask, Where's Sirius?

"He's in the astronomy tower-" Remus spoke up from his chair before anyone else could say anything, 

Peter chuckled as your cheeks reddened, "Might have to hold him back," the rest of the marauders started giggling like they were twelve "he wanted to commit bloody murder earlier"

You messed with Peter's hair, mouthing a thank you to Remus as you left.

-

"I thought we said we'd quit," Your words came out in a short breath, the stairs all the way up the tower were no joke. 

"Well hello there stranger," The words came muffled as Sirius balanced whatever was left of a cigarette between his lips. You walked to sit with him on the ledge, much like you had in February. Your thighs pressed against one another and you took a brand new box of organic cigarettes out of your pocket. "Glad to see neither one of us held up to the promise of quitting" Sirius chuckled as he took the box from your hands.

He put out the cig on the edge of the wall and took one of yours out. He placed it between your lips, his fingertips softly grazing your lips. You suddenly didn't feel the need to smoke. But you didn't say this as he took out his lighter and lit it for you. He took the cig after you inhaled. You couldn't help but stare at him, your arms crossed on the metal bar in front of you, your head on your forearms. The rings of smoke mixed and danced in front of you again.

"I have another confession to make"

"Besides the fact that you chain smoke like you're a fifty-year-old man?"

"Yes," you said and he turned to look at you, an amused flicker in his eyes. You could see the kindness in them, the care. Sirius always cared. No matter what he said or did, you knew this. All of you knew.

"Spit it out then love," his words were whispered, and he took the cigarette again. Your box was still in his right hand.

"You make me feel like I just downed a bottle of firewhiskey" He barked out a laugh at your childish confession, tilting his head back. He nodded as he passed back the cig. "and if I'm really honest, Jacob never made me feel like that, I fear," you inhaled deeply, allowing the smoke to fill you, Sirius's expression twisted at the mention of the boy. 

"I hope not," You couldn't help but wonder if Sirius's need for your attention was simply to scratch an itch. Simply the satisfaction of knowing that he had you wrapped around his finger. The satisfaction of having you in his bed. 

"What is it to you Black?"

"Don't call me that," he knocked his shoulder with yours, releasing a giggle from your lips. "If you must know— I could treat you better,"

He looked away now, shy at his admission, even when it had been said haphazardly. Like it wasYou shook your head, unable to process nor accept his statement. Sirius Black did not care. You knew this. He didn't care about your sentimentalism or your feelings. Sirius did not know what you liked to eat or watch or listen to. He did not care. He had never cared to ask or show interest. He didn't care that you knew he only drank pumpkin juice during dinner, or that he liked it when you braided his hair, or that his favorite muggle movie was the new animated Robing Hood and not the Godfather as he always said. You knew Sirius Black did not care that you knew all of his favorite things and he didn't know a single one of yours. And it broke your heart. That he refused to know you or to let you fully in.

"That's not fair," you retracted your legs, curling them up to your chest. Shy of the contact, self-conscious of your closeness and the way you let him in so easily. You didn't accept the cig back from him. 

"How?" he put out the cig and pulled at your hand. "He could never make you happy, he will never know you like I do baby" his words were merely a whisper between the two of you. 

"What could you possibly know about me, Black?" he hated when you called him that "You don't truly know a thing about me-"

"I know everything about you," he was barely a breath away, your warmth mixed with his and if you moved a mere centimeter your faces would touch. "I know your favorite color is pink, but you always say its red, it's not any pink either its the baby pink of the dress you wore to the Christmas dinner at the Potter's last year" You held your breath. “the one that shimmered under the lights-”

"Do you want an award for knowing my favorite color?" Sirius ignored you as he continued. 

"I know you like orchids but not as a bouquet, you like lilies best," his fingers tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear, but his hand remained there, at the edge of your jaw and you couldn't help but stare into his big grey eyes. You could almost see the constellations in them.

"You like the pixie dust flavored bean but hate the chocolate one, I know you wanted to be an auror when you were little but now you lean more towards a teaching position here," You felt a knot form in your throat as he continued to tell you the things about yourself you thought he had no clue of. "I know you like the smell of my leather jacket and that you keep a scrapbook under your bed, you love frills and lace and they are everywhere on that journal, I know you hate cigarettes because you feel guilty but you can't help yourself when you're anxious" you were somehow closer now, his tender hand on your jaw bringing your faces together to the point you could scarcely feel his lips as he spoke.

"I know you are a sentimental person, who keeps everything and everyone deep in your heart and that you wear your heart on your sleeve, all you do is give to others, your love, and your attention and it drives me insane," your lips were touching now, and you couldn't help but flutter your eyes shut as he finally said "I just want to be yours, love"

He pressed his lips to yours fully, his other hand threaded through your hair as he held your face close to his. You had kissed Sirius a handful of times, between the bites and the pulling of clothes. You had kissed Sirius with fear that he didn't truly want you, he had kissed you like it was something forbidden. But this time was different, he kissed you like a man starved like you'd leave him again for some other prat, he kissed you like he had been waiting a million years for it. He sucked softly at your bottom lip as you allowed him to deepen the kiss. Your hands pressed against his chest, and he broke the kiss. Pressing his forehead against yours.

"Be mine," it wasn't a mere question, it felt like a plead coming from his lips. Like a man on his knees. 

"I've always been yours, Sirius Black," he laughed as you did too, at how ridiculous the two of you sounded. The two of you were meant to be. It couldn't go any other way. And everyone had known it but you. 

You were such a sure thing.

You grabbed the brand-new pack of cigarettes from Sirius's hand and launched it over the metal bar as hard as you could. It felt cathartic, to let go of it. You barely looked at it as it plummeted down into the darkness. You could only look at him.

"I reckon we oughta quit now" he flashed you one of his toothy smiles, his eyes almost squeezing shut. You couldn't help but pull him in for another kiss.

You didn't smoke a single cig after that day. You'd joke Sirius was intoxicating and harmful on his own. He always feigned hurt. Your fingers never itched for it again. You had Sirius's hand to hold on to, his lips to press against yours. You had him in your pocket instead.

Sirius Black cares, and he always has. He cares that you only have eyes for him, that you spend your every waking moment attached at the hip. Even when you're fast asleep your arms cling to him, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't cling to you as well. Sirius cares that the stupidity that comes out of his mouth makes you laugh to the point of tears in a way he knows no one else can. That warm laugh that is born in your chest and makes him feel like he is the king of the world. Sirius Black cares that your eyes widen and glaze in affection when he gifts you an item of your favorite color, it has more to do than the thought of you tangled in his bedsheets now. Sirius Black's heart clenches every time he thinks of when you helped haul things out of his window when he ran away, dodging the jinxes that his hysterical mother threw your way once she saw you. Sirius has never been the most sentimental man, but tears formed in his eyes when you presented him with matching keys, with a simple live with me. He cares that you still wink at him before you take off the ground, whether to play quidditch in the Potter's backyard or right before you take off sprinting down the street trying to race him to your shared apartment. His pockets are filled with napkins, papers, tickets, and pictures for you to paste onto your journals, he always carries a camera to capture moments for you. So every moment, every memory, and every person is yours to keep.

 He knows he never has to worry about anyone else, and he knows you feel just as cloyed and covered in the saccharine disgusting feelings as he does. 

Sirius Black knows he loves you. And he knows you love him.

Tags ! (lmk if they don’t work or if u wanna be added) :

@beekeepingageissome, @prongsprincessworld, @w0nd3rlnd, @reevelio, @nrs-15, @sailtomarina

[darkst4lker]

crawling back to you. // sirius black

marauders era!sirius black x slytherin!reader

plot: sirius and you had been forced to be engaged by your families with the intention of maintain blood purity since you were twelve and he was thirteen. as time passed you became very close in an attempt to survive the situation together but you didn't expected him to leave you behind when he escaped from his family home. months later you decided to follow his steps and like clockwork, you were on the doorstep of the potters, crawling back to sirius one last time. tw: fem!reader, ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LENGUAGE!!, a lot of fluff, mentions of smut (nothing graphic), trauma, abusive families, forced engagement, very slightly unhealthy romantic dynamics between reader and sirius, a lot of angst and trauma bonding. maybe a bit of ooc sirius. low caps on purpose. notes: hiiii, this was supposed to be a christmas special but i didn't got to post it on time lmao, please enjoy it. this has a couple references to some songs!! iykyk, also my apologies for being so slow with requests i swear i am working on them i just can't help writing a thousand things at the same time. AND YES there's another sirius one-shot in the making that will be ready soon!! stay tuned!!

your steps were quick even in the cold, cruel snow. it was christmas eve, and a fast look to the clock on your right wrist announced that in two hours would be midnight.

the truth was that you never left your home this late without your parents. and for the first time the wand with a dragon heartstring core hiding in your sleeve didn't provide the safety feeling it did inside of hogwarts.

godric's hollow was full of christmas lights in every house, but the tears that left your eyes proved that you weren't in the mood to acknowledge the beauty of that special night. unlike the last sixteen years in your life, christmas felt uncomfortable and unfamiliar.

nervousness flooded your guts, doubts of the possible resolutions surrounding what you were about to do. the violent and suffocating memories of better times, or worst times (if you looked at it from the perspective of the person you shouldn't have fallen in love with) were destroying your insides.

and not to mention the ghost of the choice you made, lingering on your face in the form of a bruise you dear mother had planted on your cheek just like a loving kiss.

the irony of the matter was that your mother was the one to blame for all the things that were happening.

she had personally arranged your engagement with sirius orion black when you were twelve. she had made you fit into pretty dresses for all the parties in the black family home. she had taught you to care for him, to like him. she put sirius in your life and now that you loved him, fulfilling her desires, she hated you for it.

but your loyalties were set, and there was no turning back now.

you remembered the night you met sirius, in his family house. grimmauld place was full of pureblood friends of both of your parents and your whole families.

in a display of respect, your parents had put you in a lovely and quite formal black dress. the corset was uncomfortable for a girl your age but for your mother, you tried.

you always tried.

you were born trying.

and in the moment you saw sirius, who you had seen before in hogwarts but never paying enough attention, a sigh left your lips.

sirius was beautiful, dark. an obscure aura surrounded his face features, proving in an instant he had inherited all his family traits and even perfected them. yet the detail that stayed in your heart was the rebellious look on his face that never left even years later.

his eyes spoke in a secret language, subtly announcing he was a miracle of nature, the lion who was born in a snake nest.

and you quickly understood him. from the way his tie and hair were a bit messy, to the glass of wine he "accidentally" spilled on his mother. you noticed every act of silent revolution, and in some way you adored it.

almost by the end of the night, your parents left the both of you alone in the living room while his parents made a tour of the house for the guests.

to sirius, the first words you said to each other were always haunting his home and when he left, he carried them his chest like a knife, a vestige of resilience.

“i'm sorry.” it was the only words you could say. if sirius was angry before, you managed to escape from his temper radar.

he looked at you, a tortured sigh leaving his lips. his eyes now meeting yours and clouding your brain for a moment. the mesmerizing effect the sound of his voice provoked in your guts prophesied the sweet fate you would suffer one day.

“i'm sorry too.” he answered.

the two of you stayed in silence. you were quite aware that sirius was starting to be known in hogwarts as a player even if it was in an innocent way. he was at the age when hormones spoke by themselves and following their counsel, sirius flirted with every person who caught his eye, that leading to some broken hearts.

you were not one of the people he would be interested in and you knew it.

he did not mess with slytherins and he had made it clear thousands of times. the known fame of being blood purists and dark wizards catched up with every kid who followed the serpent path even if you liked to think you were not like that because if you really weren't, most of your friends were.

in the end, you were associated with lucius, narcissa, evan and barty. you had hanged out with regulus multiple times, they were your friends and sirius obviously believed you were exactly like the most of them.

another pureblood perfect girl, raised to be tied to a man, bear an heir and die in the resentful solitude of her own home after a long unhappy and painful marriage.

but you knew from the start that you hated just the idea of it, even if was the life your parents planned for you. in your eyes, every single one of the things surrounding this kind of living was completely and utterly fake from the very beggining.

it was a game flooded with unhappiness, made to drain the life out of boys like sirius and sacrifice the girls like you by throwing them to the hungry wolves of motherhood.

yet, sirius had the typical greed of a young man and you wanted him to live the teenage love you craved to experience too. knowing this, you believed you had found a common ground, a piece to move on this board to save the both of you and help you stick together.

you clinged on this hope for dear life before speaking again.

“we don't need to love each other. i won't mind if you keep dating people .” you said, now avoiding his deep eyes. “the only thing i ask in return is for you to not treat me like an enemy.”

and that was the last thing you said to him before your parents appeared to announce you were leaving, bringing you back to the cold reality outside sirius presence.

after that night, you assumed he would ignore you in school but he didn't. it was a slow process for the both of you but after some time, he showed he now cared for you and you reciprocated.

the couple of times you were sick in the nursery, sirius would come around to check on you and he always brought you chocolate frogs. if he was irritated after losing a quidditch match, you would join the marauders and take him to hogsmeade to cheer him up. for now, you were just two kids supporting each other.

but things took a turn when the rough love your families had caught up with both of you. when your parents pressured you if you didn't had perfect grades, sirius would hug you. and when his parents got angry with him for just being him and sent threatening letters, you would hug him back.

sirius made you realize how abusive were your family and his, and how awful were your blood purist friends.

“someday i will leave my house.” he said to you one day while you were having lunch together in the gryffindor table. he didn't seem like he was joking. “and you need to leave too.”

“i don't know sirius. i'm not strong or brave like you.” you answered. “i won't last outside my home, i love my parents.”

“you can't tolerate those assholes telling you what to do all your life.” he always answered when you had that same discussion. “they're going to ruin you in the end.”

and every single time, you fought back the urge to say that you were already ruined, that this was the life you had.

after a year you became friends, you thought. and when you reached your fourth year, it was clear you both were growing up. he got awfully handsome and a part of you started to fall for him.

every time the feeling invaded your chest, you dismissed it, because you knew he could never love you by just looking at your life, parents and friends and even less if you added the situation you were in.

yet, he was still a man, and you started to caught his eye.

a new tradition settled between the both of you: once per week, you would have a date. more like a date, it was an excuse to hang out together and talk about your problems. it was all friendly, you said to yourself.

it was in one of those "dates" where things would get even more messy than before.

“sirius.” you called him while you walked.

the hogsmeade streets were covered in thin snow, and you had insisted for hours to go to honeydukes but he had been too distracted in zonko's to hear you. now that you were outside, you were desperate to get something sweet.

“i know, honeydukes.” he answered, smilling. “i heard you the first million times you said it.”

“that means you were ignoring me!” you complained, taking your hand to your chest in a gesture of obvious fake offense. then a smile betrayed your little act. “you didn't answered at all inside there!”

sirius softly laughed, and you couldn't avoid noticing the way his leather jacket made him more attractive than you already thought he was.

“oh please, (y/n). you were being awfully persistent and i'm not a man of patience.” he said, jokingly. “would you have rather for me to shut up my beautiful future wife in front of everyone?” sirius added with certain sarcastic tone in his voice and then, he proceeded to softly ruffle your hair.

all he said was an obvious joke, because he was messing with you. there was not a single hint of seriousness on his words and yet they went straight to your chest, making your heart painfully skip a beat.

after a while, you finally entered honeydukes and he decided to wait outside to smoke while you bought sweets. in the exact moment you were about to exit the store with a plastic bag full of candy hanging from your hand, you casually saw through the store windows how sirius flirted with a girl you had seen in hogwarts multiple times. just as you opened the door to come back to him, he gave her a little peck and she left quickly like a breeze passing by.

it was not the first time you had seen something like that, nor the worst. many times before you even saw him making out with different people in hogwarts, but this had never happened in the middle of one of your weekly dates.

after that, you were incapable of hiding your new found bad mood the rest of your date, and sirius suggested in a caring gesture to get back to the school. of course he didn't knew why you were suddenly irritated, but he did noticed that something was happening and his first guess was that you needed to rest.

while you walked back to hogwarts, the bomb in your chest exploded. you stopped on your tracks and sirius walked a few steps before turning, a bit worried.

“hey, (y/n)." he said. "are you oka-...?”

the sudden sound of your voice interrupted him.

“are you really that good kissing girls?” it was the first thing that came out of your mouth. the words came out bitter. “or everyone says that because you just look good?”

“what?” his reaction was truly sincere in the amount of surprise he felt. that was probably the last thing sirius expected to hear from you, but he kept listening.

“seriously, i want to know. are you a good kisser?” you insisted. “because your brains are surely not enough to have the whole school crushing on you.”

“are you calling me stupid-...?”

“i am asking why every single person who made out with you has to talk and show off how good you are.” you continued, still bitter. “because i don't wanna know, and i don't wanna hear it or see it. and i do think you are stupid indeed.”

of course you didn't really took sirius orion black for a stupid man, it was the anger in your throat talking shit you did not thought with the sole purpose of making him feel a bit bad.

sirius made a pause before talking, all the puzzle pieces suddenly falling into place and slowly revealing the motives of your fury. if you were another person he would probably stormed off by then, but you weren't.

and he surely was kind of enjoying this.

“(y/n), are you jealous?”

his question punched you in the face with the strength of a storm.

“no.” you quickly answered. a prideful word that slithered from your tongue in a desperate try to not appear vulnerable, until you fucked up by adding a question. “but why do you have to flirt with girls on our weekly date? you can't wait to get to hogwarts at least?”

a playful smile settled itself on his lips and you noticed he saw right through you. he always did, in some way.

“so you are jealous.” sirius stood with his arms crossed, looking at you. in a matter of seconds, you felt disarmed.

“of course not, why would i-...?” a desperate gasp drowned in your throat at the feeling of getting caught so quickly.

“for a slytherin, you're a terrible liar.” he said, shutting your words off. “but you're right, i'm sorry. i shouldn't have done that in our date.” he was still smiling like a tease.

“i-i-...” you stuttered. suddenly, words wouldn't come out of your mouth.

your heartbeat was feral, and the way he calmly dismembered your worries made it all worse.

“you know, love, if you wanted a kiss you just had to ask for it.” sirius bet was high, he knew it. but he could see that you both needed this.

you felt your brain malfunctioning over his words yet you stayed prideful, not wanting to bend your dignity for him.

“i don't want-...”

suddenly, sirius approached you with brutal impulsiveness and got his final revenge for the multiple times you had interrupted him minutes ago. his lips met yours so fast that you dropped your bag of candy in the bare floor before your hands moved straight to hold his face.

he held your cheeks too, keeping you close as he took control. you were now trapped on sirius spell, and he surely proved how good of a kisser he truly was.

your first kiss, now layed on his heart forever. it would be another thing for him to treasure in the deep core of his soul when he ran away from his house years later.

after your mouths separated it was clear that your irritation was gone. the look you gave to him in the close intimacy of the moment reminded him of a deer with big eyes.

“look at you, it this what it takes to soothe you?” he teased. “a couple of kisses and you're back to normal?”

you started to like the thought of marrying him.

“shut up, siri.”

it was in that exact moment when your relationship took a step further and making out in empty classrooms in the middle of the night at least once per month became a normal thing between you.

yet you knew he did the same with almost every walking girl on hogwarts so your illusions never grew because they were dead from the very start. it was okay. you didn't needed any exclusivity from him, sirius was feeding all the feelings you didn't fully notice you had and he was enjoying his teenage years.

it is okay, you repeated all the time to yourself. thinking about him with another person made you awfully jealous, but it was really okay. everything was right.

you didn't loved sirius black. yes, you liked him, he was handsome, mysterious and charismatic. the obscure aura that surrounded him still had its claws firmly dug into your skin since the first time you met him but still, you didn't loved sirius black.

or at least that was what you convinced yourself of.

then you got to fifth year and your parents and his got awfully persistent with the fact that you needed to remain a virgin until your wedding with sirius. the truth was, you believed that chastity until marriage was a lame and unimportant tradition of pureblood families but before the year ended you and sirius were absolutely tired of your families reminders about "the importance of purity".

in a new form of revolution, sirius got wilder every time he was alone with you.

your nights became the tale of a stygian lion hunting a dragon snake and sirius firmly believed he was hooked up to your venom made of a soft, sweet serenade of kisses drowned in moonlight. but the innocence of it would die one specific night when he sneaked you into the gryffindor dorms while the students were partying in the common room.

you watched everyone drink and dance the night away while going up slowly by the stairs, sirius holding your hand. remus and james gave you a fast yet playful stare from the sofas of the common room and then you looked at sirius, who was distracted.

in that moment, like a melancholic joke of fate, sirius turned his head for a second to look at you. it was quick and barely noticeable but it was there, almost like orpheus guiding eurydice trough hell with the sole purpose of saving her yet carrying enough love inside of him to not resist the ought of looking if she was still there, with him.

once inside the dorm sirius slowly guided you to his bed and made sure to kiss your hands, arms, face and almost every part of you he could reach. he took care of all so you could only focus on feeling every single act of love executed that night.

he sneaked his hand between your legs and talked you through it softly, compelling you to fall apart into his arms. he held you tenderly when he went inside you, trying his best to not cause any pain and whispered sweet nothings in your ear as he guided you to your release.

it felt like if he had devoured your soul while allowing you to do the same to him, a ritualistic exchange that from that moment on, stayed on his skin like a tattoo.

you had your first time in sirius arms, and when the sun appeared through the window, you knew that hurting you would never be part of his rebellion.

crying in each others arms after spending nights togehter also became more and more common as he started to fight more with his parents. as your fingers played with the dark locks of his hair before you felt asleep, it was clear that the doom for both of you was near and you could feel it.

“shh, everything is okay.” it was almost the tenth time you said that same sentence in the dark of night, holding sirius head against your chest as he silently cried. “i'm here, siri. we're going to be okay.”

“i just can't understand why they have to do this.” he whispered. “they don't see how much this is hurting us?”

you caressed his hair and his arms locked around your waist.

“i'm not sure what is crossing our parents minds.” you answered. “but i know we're going to survive this. together.”

sirius hid his face against you. his tears had stopped but his face was slightly red.

“one day i'll run away, and i will become a rockstar. and you will write and publish all the books you want.” he said. “we'll be free, i swear it on...”

he took a moment to think his next words.

“on...?” a weak smile settled on your face.

“on james. or maybe his mom.” sirius joked. “maybe on both of them so it's more important.” he laughed softly still having a sad undertone on his words.

you did the same as him, and your fingers interwined with his hair almost like rewarding the way he had managed to make you laugh.

“please don't leave without me.” you pleaded and words came like a whisper but sirius wasn't there to hear them, because he had fell asleep on your arms.

before you could noticed how cruel of a prankster fate can be, when you started your sixth year sirius instantly fleed his home and moved in with james potter.

chaos infested your families. your parents and his were livid, your mother was desperate to find you a new fiancé and sirius started to completely avoid you in hogwarts.

no more kissing, or long nights in each other's company. no more talking and sharing your worries. sirius made clear that you were now in different sides of the coin, and it destroyed your whole world in a second.

but at the same time you were in pain, the situation had woken a fierceness in your insides that you believed you had inside since you were born, but it was repressed for the sake of the peace in your family.

you were furious with your parents for controlling you, with sirius family for what they did to him, and with sirius himself for leaving you behind.

and that was the reason you were now approaching the potter's home carrying all your luggage in the cold snow of christmas eve.

the truth was, you didn't know what you were exactly expecting or seeking. what you did know was that you wanted sirius to look at you in the eyes one last time and acknowledge your existence, your presence, your tears.

you wanted him to know that even if his family didn't care, you were in pain because you did.

so, with your heart in your throat and your soul hanging from your hands, you knocked at the door and patiently waited.

you were freezing outside the house but it didn't mattered anymore. the motivation in your chest eliminated all the doubts you could ever have.

when the door finally opened, james potter face received you. he had a smile on his face that almost faded in disbelief when he saw you.

“oh shit- sorry, hello (y/n).” he said, clearly surprised but polite. “are you okay? can i help you?”

“sorry james, i don't mean to intrude this late on a day like this one” you said, a certain weakness clouding your voice in melancholic chords. “can i speak to sirius?”

james looked at you, not really knowing what to say.

“i- yes, sure.” he finally answered. “do you want to come in?”

“no, it's okay. i don't want to be invasive.” you said. “it'll be really fast.”

the boy in front of you sighed and fixed the position of his glasses. then he gave you a weak smile.

it was not that james didn't liked you because in fact he did, he just had the fear that you were here to convince sirius of coming back home.

a quick and more detailed look at your bruised face, and he realized that was not the reason you were in his doorstep.

“i'll go get him, give me a second.” was what he said before entering the house again, leaving the door a bit opened.

you peeked briefly and a warm light recieved you along with the smell of food, making painfully obvious that you hadn't eaten anything since breakfast.

a few seconds later, sirius appeared completely opening the door in a fast and almost desperate move like if you were going to vanish if he didn't got to you quick enough.

james was behind him, distant to the conversation but still supervising to defend his friend if necessary.

“(y/n)” said sirius, looking at you like if you weren't real.

“merry christmas, siri.” you said, greeting him. the first words you both exchanged in months.

the nickname pierced his skin with violence, the vestiges of you and him were standing strong like an unforgettable oath in the corners of his brain.

your face was wet by tears, a red subtone clouded your face because of the cold and the bruise on your cheek was getting more purple as time went by. his eyes met yours, speaking that same old secret lenguage you now understood. then, you took a deep breath.

“what happened? what are you doing here?” he asked, confused and quite worried. “who hurted you? where are your parents?”

“i ran away from home.” you confessed, answering every single one of his questions from just one clean shot. the sentence painfully twisted sirius guts into oblivion and he stayed silent, thinking what to say.

he wanted to take you in, bring you to live with the potters, shelter you from the cold, heal your wounds and kiss your forehead even if he knew it wasn't that easy. you continued speaking.

“i don't expect you to welcome me into your life again, i assumed you wanted to distance yourself from the part of you that obviously includes me.” you started saying, measuring every word. sirius sighed. “but before we don't see eachother again, i need to tell you what i feel.”

there was a brief silence, and you swallowed back tears.

“i have imagined a thousand times what could be the result of coming here and speak about this, none of them had exactly a happy ending because i know by heart that you don't feel the same as me.” every word hurted you more than you thought. “but now that i've burned to the ground everything i once believed in and followed your path, i have nothing more to lose.”

sirius looked at you and again, he saw righ through you. an understanding smile appeared on his lips, inviting you to continue.

“im listening, love.” he dared to say, noticing you were struggling to continue.

you took another deep breath before speaking.

“i've hated my parents since i was born, im sure of it. and just like you, when they trapped us in this mess, i was livid.” that was it, words started to come out one after the other. “but i was trained to endure so i tried my best to get along with you like my mom taught me. she always said to me that love wasn't important when it came to duty, and that my duty was to learn how to love you, respect you and give you kids. and if i didn't wanted to obey, she would hit me.” you sobbed, and sirius took a couple of steps closer to you.

the nasty mark on your cheek made clear to him that obeying your mother was exactly what got you that bruise. a bruise earned out of devotion for sirius, even if he didn't fully knew it yet.

he used his hand to fix a hair that kept falling on your face, and dismissed one of your tears carefully with his thumb.

“i know you're thinking how terrible that is, because i thought the same every single time she explained it to me and yet, i tried to follow her words the best i could. and after getting to know you better and speaking of our shitty parents, i started to feel things. i was too young to notice but i know now that i've been going trough this for ages.” air got stuck in your throat, you talked too fast. “and i know i am giving it way too much thought, but my point is that i love you. and i've been doing so not long after i met you. i died inside everytime we layed on your bed and you spoke of getting away from your family because even if it was by the will of our sick, twisted families, i really wanted to marry you.”

sirius wiped your tears again, giving you all his attention.

“but with time i changed my mind. i don't want to marry you because we have to but because we have the desire to do it. i really just want you to be happy siri, but before leaving me like that you need to tell me because-...” you sobbed again, and sirius caressed your cheek, soothing your cries. “you need to know that your parents, your brother, your cousins; they may not care but i do, i desperately do. im in an awful pain because i care for you so much that when you left everything fell apart in my life, and now im once again crawling back to you like i always do, hoping that you may want to have me.” you finished your monologue, one that you practiced a thousand times before this moment only to end up saying everything by heart and not by practice.

when you ended up talking, your body finally gave you proper permission to burst into tears. sirius recieved you in his arms by hugging you tightly and that was the first moments of warmth you got after a long time.

“shh, it's okay. you're okay now.” one of sirius hands caressed your back and the other went tenderly to your hair. “i'm sorry i left without saying anything and i'm sorry i ignored you in hogwarts.” he apologized, holding back some tears because seeing how you were crying was starting to make him to cry too.

“i really thought that you would be happier and better marrying someone picked by your mother because i had nothing to offer and being seen with a blood traitor would had ruined the image you once valued.” he continued. “i-i know it's a stupid reason, but what you said years ago sticked with me. you said you weren't strong enough to leave your parents, and i knew you loved them and didn't wanted them to be disappointed so i decided you didn't needed to get your life ruined because of my selfish choices”

“b-but we talked about us running away before.” you answered, raising your head to look at him.

“we did, but once i did it i got so scared-.. ” tears finally won over him and he sobbed. “because i had nothing to offer you, not a home, not a way to protect you and even less money. i would be ruined if it wasn't for james and his family.”

you held him more tightly, as if you were about to melt with each other.

“and the cherry on top was that i truly believed you didn't loved me.” he admitted. “i was convinced that you didn't wanted to marry me under any circumstances. leaving was also my way of freeing you from us.”

you broke the hug for a moment and just like he did the first time he kissed you, you suddenly pulled him closer to smash your lips against his.

for the first time in a long time, sirius black was genuinely surprised. he grabbed your face and you kissed him softly, showing him the love you spoke of was real.

all his doubts vanished in the cold wind, almost like sealing an oath of devotion. nothing in your sixteen years of life would had prepared you to reveal the secrets you've held inside your heart, but now that you did it and he did too, there was no turning back.

you quickly understood that your place, your home, your family, had always been sirius. the only person who understood the living hell you were going through and who did his best to make it better just like you did with him.

finally, the tale of the the snake and the lion was getting a resolution and they were now finding their ways back to each other's hearts like a forgotten mantra coming back from the death to be recited one more time.

“i love you, sirius.” was the first thing you said when you separated.

“i love you too.” he answered, still holding your face.

after a moment, when the both of you finally stopped crying, sirius interrogated you about where were you going to spend the night.

you didn't planned to stay at the potter's that night, but james had listened everything from where he stood and being the blast of sun and sweetness he was, he spoke to his parents and in an instant you were spending christmas in a warm and big house with sirius, james and his family.

that night in sirius room, the two of you layed together like many times before. his head on your chest, arms on your waist and your fingers playing with his hair while your other hand sweetly caressed his back.

this time was completely different though, because the whispering conversation wasn't about running away from your parents or his. this time, for the first time, you spoke of what you felt for each other.

“i love you forever.” he said in one moment. your heart jumped of emotion.

“i love you too, siri.” you answered.

he sighed in your chest.

“you don't know how much i awfully missed you” sirius admitted, moving to kiss you innocently on the neck.

“i missed you too, more than i thought i could.” you said, closing your eyes, ready to sleep intertwined with him.

those were the same exact words you would repeat to each other years later when you finally reunited again, after fate violently separated the both of you and your thirteen year old godson, harry potter, managed to reveal the truth behind the man who betrayed his parents, proving sirius innocence.

and once again you would hold him in the deep night, now inside of grimmauld place, the very house he was raised in.

the house who saw your love being gestated in the middle of a poisoned river.

but now, you both were cleaning the violence, the traumatic memories and the haunted voices out of every wall; writing in the ceiling that a love this strong may never die.

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS!! i do think the ending is awful oh my god i might change it. anyways, be safe. xoxo.

[midniqhtt]

sirius black

masterlist • the marauders • 07/23/24

˚‧⁺ ･ ˖ · ୨ৎ recs

sirius black two

𑣲 heart stamp I @shadowbriar

A good for nothing like him surely deserve no soulmate, Sirius believes, but when the heart is starved of something, someone, the universe throws him into another round of misery.

𑣲 don’t leave I @14thgalerie

𑣲 little lies I @amiableness

James asks Sirius and Y/n to pretend to date after he blurts out they are to Lily.

𑣲 tulips part 2 part 3 I @/amiableness

After finding out Remus Lupin has found himself a girlfriend, a devastated Y/n L/n asks Sirius Black to help her get over him. Except Sirius has feelings for her.

𑣲 come back, be here part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 part 8 I @ellecdc

After sacrificing yourself to save your friend and Order partner James months before, you're found on the brink of death. How will Sirius react when he finally gets his love back, but you don't seem to recognize any of them?

𑣲 bartender!sirius I @moonstruckme

𑣲 bet trope I @ddejavvu

𑣲 borrowed sweaters, stolen kisses I @wizardwritings

In a game of Truth or Dare, you’re dared to sneak into the Marauders’ dorm and steal one article of clothing to wear the next day. It just so happens that the jacket you snatched was Sirius’ favorite jumper.

𑣲 lovesick!sirius I @theemporium

𑣲 sirius has a girlfriend I @/theemporium

𑣲 incident with a time turner I @robynlilyblack

When a confrontation with Peter goes wrong, y/n Potter is sent 10 years into the future

𑣲 rain I @/robynlilyblack

Y/n has been in love with James for years, watching painfully from the side-lines as he failed to woo Lily. When they finally get together she finds comfort in her best friend, as time passes she finds herself falling for him but will it end up the same way or will she get her happy ending this time?

𑣲 dulled I @finnwrld

When Arthur couldn’t go to the department of mysteries you had to go instead, knowing you are going to die you use your last amounts of straight to apparate to number 12 Grimmauld Place.

𑣲 puppy I @violetrainbow412-blog

𑣲 dealbreaker I @luveline

you work in a bookstore. sirius keeps finding reasons to need books.

𑣲 chatty!reader I @/luveline

𑣲 the unlikely pair I @daydreams-turned-into-nightmares

a Gryffindor and a Slytherin, both just recently been through breakups, uses each other as rebound dates to the Yule Ball, but the night ended with something a bit more

𑣲 if i tell you I @/daydreams-turned-into-nightmares

you’re in love with him, and he’s in love with you, but he’s too prideful to say anything, and you don’t want to just be another casual flirt. So, neither of you tell the other about your feelings for one another.

𑣲 hypocrisy I @wolfmoonmusic

James doesn’t seem to want anyone other than Lily. So after one point, you decide to stop trying

𑣲 if you love me let me know I @theweasleysredhair

Y/n decides she isn’t going to wait forever for Sirius to make a move... maybe he needs a nudge in the right direction. In which Sirius gets extremely jealous over the prospect of Y/n going on a date with someone other than himself.

𑣲 apparition accident I @mediocre-daydreams

sirius accidentally apparates into your bed instead of his.

𑣲 sweet rubbish I @shadowbriar

Their game of love hate pretend has to put to halt as Sirius gazed into the crystal ball.

𑣲 late night cravings I @bobluvbot

you sneak off the night for a cheeky midnight snack, hoping sirius won’t notice (spoiler alert: he does, and he’s sulky about it)

𑣲 brothers best friend I @lauryri

In which Sirius Black finds comfort in the person he least expects.

𑣲 worth it I @hemmingsleclerc

where Sirius is completely in love with James's sister, but everytime he wants to ask her on a date somehow ends up doing something embarrassing

[sleep-i-ness]

Room Service (Sirius Black x reader)

Synopsis: Marlene, your best friend and roommate, has gone to class and left you with her mess to clean up.

HARRY POTTER MASTERLIST | GENERAL MASTERLIST

“You have to be kidding me.” You stared at the drunk man passed out on her bed. “Hey, Marlene, I think you forgot something!”

Your roommate did not reply, not that you had expected her to when you’d been awoken by the door slamming shut. She had returned at 4am, making such a racket that you were startled awake, the thought of burglars jumping through your mind. Until you heard the giggles and loud shushing. This must have been Marlene’s latest. It wasn’t that you minded; well, at least you’d known what you’d be getting into when you agreed to live with Marlene, but this hadn’t been part of the agreed roommate duties.

You'd like to say that this was the first time that this had every happened, that Marlene had brought a guy back in the knowledge that you were sleep next door, fully aware that you had a 10am class. But when she regularly woke up after a late night of partying for her morning run and 9am lecture, you didn't expect her to really understand. And sure, she had let you kick her out before, and hadn't complained about you bashing around in the kitchen until the early hours of the morning when you were too stressed to do anything other than bake. But it wasn't exactly on par with the level of noise that you had to deal with.

The door had swung open, and the sound of her hushed giggling had your groaning; the walls were so thin you could hear the creak of her bedsprings as they tumbled onto her bed, the squeak of movement, and you'd covered your head with your pillow.

And now you were here. With a drunk man, who, despite your reservations, really couldn’t be left alone to sleep his way through the morning. Who knows what he'd do? Or where he'd vomit. You shuddered at the thought.

Your phone buzzed and you tapped at the screen, groaning at the rather apologetic message from Marlene. "I'm so sorry, I had to dash, please, please get the man out of our flat. I'll owe you big time."

You rolled your eyes, and took a step into Marlene's room, noting with distaste the clothes strewn all over. And then took a deep breath as you spotted the pair of men's boxers just lying out in the open. A drunk unconscious man was one thing. A naked drunk unconscious man was entirely another.

You crossed the room, sidestepping the discarded underwear and crouched beside the bed, suddenly grateful that at least Marlene had left a water bottle beside the bed.

You tapped him on the shoulder. No response. Shaking him slightly, you frowned at the complete lack of movement. You hated to think what that meant for Marlene last night. In all fairness, the noise hadn't gone on for long, which you'd been thankful for at the time, but now you could probably chalk that up to something entirely separate.

Sighing, you turned your back on the man for a moment, shuffling around the room to pick up what you assumed to be his clothes. If Marlene had left you to deal with this, she could deal with you accidentally giving her stuff to him anyway.

With a deep breath, you pulled the covers off the man, turning your head away from the sight of the lower part of his body with a grimace. No, you certainly did not want to see that.

"Okay," you murmured, staring at the pair of boxers in your hand and then looking back at the man. "Let's get you dressed."

It would be a lot easier to deal with a dressed man, yes. You hooked one leg hole of the boxers over his leg, and then the other, lifting each limb to shimmy them up his body.

"Uh, hello?" the man slurred, and you jumped, backing away from him.

"So, you think you can get yourself dressed?"

"Uh," came his rather intelligent response as he looked down at himself, and then stumbled to his feet, tripping over the boxers as he did so.

"Woah, woah," you rushed forward to catch him before he tipped onto his face; you were not taking him to A&E if he broke his nose. Together you managed to pull the boxers up round his waist and you sighed with relief. Not naked anymore. You could deal with this.

“I think I’m gonna be-” the man clasped a hand over his mouth, body convulsing as he retched and you jumped back in disgust, grabbing the nearest receptacle to hold out in front of him. Marlene could buy a new bin.

You grimaced as he fell back onto the bed, clutching the bin as he went down still retching. He pushed himself up, pinning the bin between his knees and leaning over it, dark hair hanging around his face. The retching subsided after a minute and the man placed the bin down on the floor delicately, looking up at you with a grey pallor to his face.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, at least having the decency to seem sort of sheepish.

“Do you think we can get you dressed now?”

He nodded vigorously, and then groaned, hitting his head back against the wall with a thunk. You rolled your eyes; what a start to the morning. The clock on Marlene’s bedside table read 7:43 and you were at least grateful that you had a good two hours before class. Plenty of time to get him out, although with the lack of coherent movement from him, you doubted it would be an easy feat.

You sighed and grabbed his trousers from where they lay on the opposite side of the room, laying them out at his feet for him to give it a go. He just stared at them. Oh, for fuck’s sake. Grumbling under your breath, you began to yank them up his legs, stopping when you got to his knees and just looking at him with raised eyebrows.

He stared back at you, forehead wrinkled. And then jolted, pulling himself to his feet where you could continue to manoeuvre the trousers up. Why did he have to have such tight trousers? It was taking real effort to get them up over his body.

The rest of his clothes followed a similar pattern; you would offer them to him, he would look at it dumbly and you would just sigh and dress him. It was like the dolls you used to play with as a kid, if they were a fully grown man who was a lot less pliant.

“Who do you live with?”

“With Prongs,” the man mumbled, lying stretched out on the bed again.

You rolled your eyes. At this rate they were going to get permanently stuck that way. “Prongs?”

And that was how you met James Potter at about half eight in the morning, in his dressing gown and bedhead. He blinked at you blearily from the doorway, mouth opening and then closing again. In all fairness, this probably wasn’t the best first impression; you still in your pyjamas and trying your hardest to hide the grumpy expression on your face.

You would’ve felt guilty if it weren’t for the look of realisation dawning across his face at the sight of the man leaning on you.

“I’ve got something that I think belongs to you.” You pushed the man into him, trying to hide a snort as he stumbled into James’ arms.

“Sirius,” he sighed. James righted Sirius, pushing him to lean against a wall and ignoring how he slid down onto the floor with a soft thud. “I’m sorry.”

James rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “Thanks for bringing him back. He usually manages to make his way home at some point in the morning, but he’s never had a girl accompany him back.”

You pulled a face. He definitely had gotten the wrong end of the stick, and it filled you with a sort of revulsion, especially having seen him throwing up in your roommate’s bin.

“My roommate had an early class so left me to clean up her,” you waved at Sirius slumped on the floor, “mess.”

He laughed awkwardly, scratching at the back of his mess. The silence dragged on and so you smiled, although you were pretty sure it came out as a grimace. “I’ll be off then. Enjoy.”

“Thanks again!” James called out after you and you just waved him off.

--

You sat on your couch, textbook in hand as you stared at the meaningless words on the page. You couldn't comprehend anything before your eyes; nothing had been going in for the past hour. Most people were out on a Friday night, but the stress of university meant that you were less than willing to sacrifice her learning for partying every night. Marlene believed the complete opposite and thus you saw very little of each other, especially following the incident with Sirius. Tonight, however, was an exception.

"Hey bestie," Marlene wheedled, her tone already insinuating that she wanted something. Plonking herself next to you on the couch, Marlene wrapped her arms around you. "Have I ever told you how much of a great friend you are?"

"Alright, what are you after?” you sighed, shrugging her off. "You only act this clingy when you want something from me."

"Come out with me tonight. You've been cooped up indoors for hours now and you need to let your hair down. There's a gig at the pub, it’s some band with guys from campus and it’s going to be really chill. Dorcas and Lily will be there, you like them, right?”

“Yeah, yeah. I really have to work though,” you protested, running your fingers through your unbrushed hair, wincing as they caught on a knot.

“Y/N! You’ve been working all week; you need a break. Trust me, love. Go take a shower and I’ll pick out an outfit for you.” Marlene sighed exasperatedly, pushing you off the sofa as you hesitated. “And I owe you many, many drinks to say thank you.”

“We have two hours to get there,” she hollered up at you. “Even I don’t take that long to get ready, so you have no excuses.”

Stepping into the pub, you weren’t sure how Marlene managed to talk you into this. It was probably the promise of free drinks; she owed you at least until the end of term. The room was packed full of people and if Marlene hadn’t been holding her arm, you would’ve been lost instantly. Marlene lit up, waving frantically at a group in the back – you were too far away still to be sure, but you were almost certain that it would consist of at least Dorcas and Lily and whichever other poor friends they’d managed to drag along.

“Lily! Dorcas! Mary!” Marlene squealed, bounding forward to hug them. “Look at us! The gang all back together!”

You laughed; although you would never admit it to Marlene, you were sort of glad that she’d dragged you out. You never really got to see the others much anymore, but you’d all been thick as thieves at school together and it had been a real shame to drift once you’d gone off to separate London unis.

“Oh my God.” Marlene stopped dead in her tracks, any excitement completely wiped from her as she stared at something behind you, eyes wide. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. Hide me, he’s here.”

“Who?” You turned around, scanning the crowd for whichever one of Marlene’s hookups had emerged. Not that you necessarily knew what all of them looked like; more just how they had sounded. Well, not like that.

“Sirius Black,” she groaned, hiding her face in Lily’s shoulder. “I don’t want to see him.”

Your eyes caught on the very familiar face, and you winced as you watched him weave through the crowd, followed by James. He looked a lot better not throwing up in your bin, you mused, and then froze with horror as he made eye contact with you. And winked.

Disgusting.

James followed Sirius’ gaze and laughed, turning to whisper something in Sirius’ ear, who stumbled slightly in response. And then straightened and started towards you.

“Marlene,” you reached out your arm behind you, feeling around as you tried to pat her. “Marlene, he’s coming over here.”

“What?” She sat bolt upright and shook her head. “No, I’m out of here.”

You spun round, eyes wide. “You can’t just leave me, he’s your hook-up.”

“Not my problem anymore. One-night stands should stay as one-night stands.” And she slid out of her chair and away from the table, Dorcas and Mary trailing after her. The traitors. You stared at Lily who just shrugged, with a sort of resigned you-know-what-Marlene-is-like expression, and then glanced behind you with an odd little smirk. Of course she was enjoying this.

“Hey, sweetheart.”

You spun around, grimacing at the sight of Sirius Black. It was a shame how pretty he was, it made it harder to be irritated by him. But then you pictured the image of him throwing up in your bin and that feeling was very quickly squashed.

“Prongs says I know you,” he glanced back, and you followed his gaze to see James smirking at the pair of you. You flipped him off and he laughed. “Won’t tell me how. Care to elaborate? Did we, uh-”

“No,” you scoffed, mouth twisting into a grimace. And then you smirked. “I don’t know if you remember my flatmate, Marlene; she’s gone off somewhere. I had to evict you from our flat the next day.”

He frowned. Opened his mouth. And then closed it again.

“I think we really got to know each other when you threw up in our bin. Or maybe when you were still too drunk to get dressed by yourself so sort of lay there like a Ken doll.” You twirled a strand of hair around your finger, delighting in the look of horror dawning across his face. Oh, he deserved this.

Sirius rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I think I’m going to need another drink to hear the rest of this.”

“I’ll have a vodka lemonade.”

He sighed. “I’ll make it a double.”

[xreaderbooks]

'Til death do us part

Pair: Sirius Black x Reader

Summary: Y/n comforts her husband, Sirius, after having a nightmare, post-Azkaban. Based on THIS request.

Warning: nightmares

Word Count: 1.1k

Songs I listened to while writing: You Are a Memory by Message To Bears, Rescue by Lauren Daigle, Je te laisserai de mots by Patrick Watson

Sirius Black Masterlist - Navigation - Wattpad - AO3

You woke to the jostling and jerking from the body next to yours, the shouting and screaming came next, and your heart was already pounding at a high-speed rate due to the scare out of your sleep. You thought there was an attacker or that your home had been broken into. A ridiculous thought since you’ve been used to having your sleep cut short by your husband in this exact same state.

“Sirius,” You shook his shoulder gently to pry him out of his nightmare. “My love, wake up.”

He shoved your hands away as he bolted up into a sitting position, his eyes were open wide now, tears at the corners of his eyes. The normal silver was bloodshot from his crying and lack of sleep.

“Y/n?”

“Another one,” Your eyes softened at his state.

He brought his knees up to his chest, bringing them in closer with his arms hugging his legs. Your heart tore a little at the sight of how vulnerable and young he looked. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Your voice was slightly above a whisper. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He wiped the flowing tears as they came, “It’s the same thing, over and over again.”

Sirius has opened up to you about his nightmares time and time again when he was stable enough to speak about them. The feeling of his soul being sucked out of him was similar to how you feel when you dream about falling except instead of your heart jumping it was your spirit that was being pulled painfully away from your body. He couldn’t stop it, couldn’t wake up from the dream as you normally could when you fall in your sleep.

His chest began to heave, his breathing quickened with shallow breaths.

“You’re okay, you are just fine,” You reached out to place a hand on his chest. “You are here, you are safe.”

Sirius began to sob with never-ending tears, “I can’t- I can’t.”

You shushed him with a small shake of your head, “It’s alright, you’re alright. You don’t have to be strong right now, let it out.”

“Can I hold you?” He asked shyly. It reminded you of your years at Hogwarts together when you first started dating, he never wanted to push your boundaries, set on proving how good of a boyfriend he can be. He wanted to be gentle for you.

“Of course,” You lay back, your head on the pillows and lifting the blankets letting the cool air hit you as he laid on top of your chest, placing them on top of him. He was fully wrapped in comfort, the top of his head nuzzled into the crook of your neck, both of his arms around your middle, clutching him to you tightly.

He once compared the feeling of the dementors tearing him apart to how it would feel if you were to ever leave him. He would let you go if it was what you wanted, but that was how much it would hurt. You reassured him that you would never leave him, you were his forever. 

“I’m sorry,” He repeated in a sob. You felt his body shaking atop yours, and the back of your eyes stung, but you couldn’t cry now. He needed you to be strong right now, and you would be, just as he was all those years.

It wasn't his fault he was framed, but somehow the guilt still ate away at him as if he was the one who betrayed Lily and James. What he told Harry in the Shrieking Shack when he had finally caught Peter was nothing short of the truth, he would have rather died than betray them, and yet...

12 years apart, he blamed himself for trusting Peter, for leaving you alone. He had no knowledge of whether or not you survived if you blamed him just as everyone else had. The Aurors held you back as they arrested him but he couldn't tell by the look on your face. There was too much going on. 

12 years, you were married to a 'murderer'. You were now married to a wanted man, you weren't even able to go on a honeymoon. Your wedding was only two days before his arrest. 

“Do not apologize to me, Sirius,” Your tone was stiff and with meaning. “I’ll repeat it as many times as I have to, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“Tu es trop parfait pour moi, tu ne mérites pas d'être coincé avec moi,” He muttered into your neck.

You brushed the hair that was stuck to his skin from his sweat, both of your hands working to hold his hair into a short ponytail, you had a hair tie around your wrist and tied it to his hair to cool him down. With the back of your left hand which was freer than your right that was currently running tickles up and down his back, you checked his temperature, Sirius’ body heat was running hot. To the best of your ability, you tried tugging down the blankets on both your legs.

“English please,” You teased. You loved it when he spoke French but you couldn't help but feel that at the moment it was something you weren't meant to hear. 

He unhooked one of his arms from you and grabbed a hole in your left hand, his thumb playing with the diamond on your ring. “I love you.”

“That is definitely not what you said but-” You pressed a kiss to his forehead. "I love you more, Siri."

Sirius lifted himself onto his forearms, hovering over you, his head tilted noses touching. You closed your eyes and leaned forward to kiss him but he pulled back before your lips could touch. Instead, he pecked your cheek and lay back on his own side of the bed. “Not possible.”

You went onto your side facing him, your hand holding your head up. He had his hands pressed to his eyes, you took his left hand and kissed his ring. “Hey.”

He turned his head to you, and you played with his fingers as you spoke, “I love you.”

He nodded simply, turning his head to look at the ceiling again.

“You’re never going back there, ever, I’ll fight whoever I have to.” You tried to, you were the only other person who knew who the true secret keeper was but they wouldn't hear it, especially because you had no evidence. Peter was gone, nowhere to be found. 

He chuckled, “I’m sure you will, darling.”

“Til death do us part, remember?”

He fully turned his boy to you, grabbing both your cheeks in his hands, he gave you a long kiss before pulling away and leaning his forehead against yours. “‘Til death do us part.”

~~~ translation: Tu es trop parfait pour moi, tu ne mérites pas d'être coincé avec moi ; you're too perfect for me, you don't deserve to be stuck with me.

[natti-ice]

[k1tk4ttt]

How it feel to finally accept and embrace the cringe of reading x reader fics

[s0urw00lfsrants]

Being a girl is: wanting to go to bed early but deciding to just get on tumblr/wattpad/Ao3 for a little bit and then end up finding a fic series that you really like and read until well past your usual bedtime then keeping on because it’s already past your bedtime. Then being mad when you wake up in the morning because you overslept your timer.

[flow33didontsmoke]

when y/n does something so bad/embarrassing you have to facepalm and close your eyes for a minute

[thatboisus]

me logging onto tumblr after consuming a new piece of media

[fromdove]

seeing my man with his canonical love interest 💔💔💔💔

[777heavengirl]

spill your guts

sirius black x reader one-shot ! warnings: miscommunication? (apparently, that’s all ik how to write), friends to lovers, mentions of injury, no war AU! word count: 6,730 masterlist a/n: sorry I've been MIA uni is BEATING my ass and i rewrote this like 35 times, enjoy!

“I have this dream that I am hitting my dad with my quidditch bat” Sirius's clammy skin and the breeze that flew in from the window you had slightly cracked open when he awoke hyperventilating, caused goosebumps to crawl up his skin. You stayed quiet at his confession, your eyes trained on his face but his burned holes into your baby blue duvet. “And all he does is scream and cry for help-“

He took a sharp breath, this was one of those rare times when everything rotting inside him tried spilling out. For many years it was just James and Remus, Peter occasionally, but now he found that he couldn’t help but want to spill his guts to you. You stayed quiet as he spoke, scared to say anything that would cause him to shut himself in again.

”And maybe halfway through, I realized that it has more to do with me killing him than it ever did protecting myself.” Sirius never spoke of his father. His mother usually plagued his nightmares and it was the abuse he was more inclined to share.

Not his father's.

”He was really pushing his luck-“ His dry laugh, seemed cruel, but you could see how his fingers fidgeted, playing with a small thread on the edge of his boxers. The need to light a cigarette flashed in his mind. 

You knew the man was dead. You were with Sirius and the rest of the marauders the day he was buried. After everyone else had left the funeral, the brothers stared at the coffin on the altar of the mausoleum the rest of their family rested in. Regulus didn’t speak a word but gripped Sirius’s arm with white-hot knuckles. Sirius put his cigarette out on the shiny, polished wood, one last act of defiance. His brother nodded, almost as if in approval, but not quite, and apparated away with their family house elf soon after. Sirius linked his arm with yours. You didn’t ask how he died, nor did you ask about the brothers' relationship now that both of their abusers were dead and buried. Now that everything between them rotted away.

You never wanted to push the boundary more than he’d let you. Your relationship, if that’s what you could call it, was already precarious as it was.

Tonight had started like many others, Sirius knocking at your door. The flat you shared with Dorcas in front of the one he shared with Peter and Remus. And you answered, you always did.

“you look good tonight-“ You thought the way too small sleeping shorts were the reason he said so, it wasn’t the mismatched socks or the oversized muggle band tee you had stolen from their dorm fifth year. Definitely not the messy, bed-ridden hair. He had only seen your face, the glint in your eyes, and the pull of your smile. That had been enough for him to decide you were the most beautiful creature on the planet. “can I sleep in your bed?” You said yes.

You always said yes.

You didn’t have sex. But you slept together, his fingertips digging into the supple skin of your waist as he slept with his face buried in your neck. You often played with his hair, tracing spirals on his back until he snored softly. You wouldn’t have guessed that tonight would end up with him waking up, in a cold sweat and gasping for breaths, much less confessing his dreams of murdering his already deceased father.

You didn't hold that against him.

You took a hesitant hold of his trembling fingers, he seemed to welcome the touch as he intertwined his fingers with yours.

He pulled you close to him again after he laid back down. The window remained open with the nippy night breeze flowing in, but his skin eventually lost its goosebumps and his grip ultimately loosened, he was soft and warm and moldable now. He melted onto your side and you couldn't help but stare. At his perfect nose and perfect lips, the weight of the world that he held on his shoulders faded away when he slept, even if just for a few hours. 

You reveled in the fact that it was your bed he felt this comfortable in.

You hoped it was only yours.

-

Even the mornings where he had crawled out of your bed and your flat, the ones where you awoke alone and cold, he stayed in your head. He had imprinted himself on your mind, he had made it his home. Sirius Black, the man you were not dating, but the man you shared your bed with, occasionally made breakfast with in between fits of laughter. The man who had declared very loudly, and very drunkenly, that you'd make the perfect girlfriend at a party four months ago, and yet continued to ignore any hint that there might be something else between the two of you. Your bed felt cold the rare nights he didn't knock at your door, at this point your entire apartment called for his presence. Dorcas joked that he was your third roommate.

You always wondered if he had found some muggle girl to woo for the night, sleep in her foreign bed, and disappear in the morning. You wondered if he ever stayed 'til the morning in their beds, if he enjoyed them more than he enjoyed you. If your bed and your embrace weren't enough.

Until there was a knock at your door, the clock marked 1:27 am.

"A long time ago, my great-great-great-great-grandfather took something that did not belong to him," You wondered if this would also become ritual, him baring his heart naked. Baring his family's sins, his sins, to you. As if your divine acceptance would tip the scales, and that it would weigh his heart as pure. Your skin was the one riddled with goosebumps this time, as the cold that seeped through the window nipped at the thin material of your shirt and you duvet stayed discarded at the foot of the bed. You didn't mind it. He blew the smoke of his cig out the open window and turned to look at you again, unapologetically staring into your eyes. "And that is why I kind of look the way I do, 'm part Veela," you wondered if his confessions were a new level of intimacy you had gained access to. 

"As if I couldn't tell," he gave you a crooked smirk, the type he gives you when he's about to make some obscene, dirty joke. He didn't this time though. You visibly saw his shoulders relax when you made a quick quip, ignoring the heavy atrocity of his ancestors. It wasn't him after all, why would you hold it against him? He hummed, reveling secretly in your compliment. Maybe you genuinely did think he was beautiful. Regardless of the tattoos that now littered his body, or the scars of abuse that would never leave him, or even the random bruises that sometimes stained his porcelain skin, from his bike, from Moony's transformations, from everything. Maybe you even saw past the commitment issues, and unspoken words, or the fact that he left you to wake up to an empty bed often.

Maybe, somehow, you were able to look past all of that. All of him.

Sirius knew it was wishful thinking.

-

“Don’t look at me like that Moony,” Sirius said with a groan as he stood at the door, still holding the handle from closing it. Remus glared at him from the top of his cup as he sipped his tea, Sirius really wanted to skip the whole lecture, you woke up early meaning he also had to, and had to make the treacherous journey across the hall. He glanced at the clock on the wall, it glanced 6:30 am back at him. Why was Remus even awake?

“you’re a prat Padfoot-“

”I needed some sleep, it's not like we're-“

“It doesn’t matter, what you’re doing to that poor girl is horrible, if you really can’t sleep drink some tea, go to a physician” Remus turned his back to Sirius, angrily cleaning his cup in the sink, although he couldn’t see him, Sirius knew Remus’s face was twisted into one of disappointment and anger. “you know she loves you, and you use it instead of telling her there will never be anything between you-“

”I love her”

”You’re not in love with her, are you?” He turned the water off, turning around with a glare as Sirius stayed quiet. “She is.”

Sirius didn’t know what he felt for you if he was honest. He loved you, though. He had always loved you. From the days you ran around with the four of them around Hogwarts, when you passed notes in class, when you accompanied him on secret trips to the kitchens, when you helped clean his wounds at Potter Manor the summer he ran away. Sirius has always loved you.

Remus might think that’s worse.

”Stop sleeping with her and having breakfast with her the morning after, Merlin-“ he took a deep breath, his fingers coming up to rub his temples in frustration and the Welsh accent seeped into his words, “What the hell are you thinking Sirius?”

Remus knew he was being tough, but he felt bad. He felt bad about the way your eyes always trailed after the boy, and how you always stared at Sirius’s closed bedroom door when you were over for tea. You needed to be able to move on with your life. It didn’t help you and Dorcas lived right in front of them.

”Alright Moony,” 

“You’ll leave her alone?” Sirius refused to meet the taller boy's eyes.

”I’ll try”

- 

Sirius did not listen to Remus. 

He never did really, but he felt guilty now. He stared at you from your bed, you paced around stripping away the day, being a healer at St Mungo's was an arduous job most days. Some it was just kids with dragon pox and their mothers who came with worry stitched in their souls, doing rounds with residents that had been there longer than you, the older ladies always gave you candy. You didn't know where they were getting it from. Most nights you dragged yourself into your apartment late enough you might as well say it’s morning, and dropped, ruined and exhausted, on your bed. The worst days, it was back-to-back shifts of trying to heal curses, creature attacks, and mysterious maladies that left you drained and hopeless. Ones that made you fear the magical world that surrounded you. These nights you would've sought Sirius out, the way he did you, but you didn't need to. He was always there, somehow knowing and waiting outside your door. Sometimes, he was just exiting his apartment, going to knock on yours when you came up the stairs, other nights, like this one, he waited for you. He sat on the floor with his back against your door and his eyes closed until he heard your footsteps. He stood and greeted you silently with a kiss to your temple.

He trailed after you, into your room and onto your bed. So he sat, his back against the wall and the bottom parts of his legs hanging from the bed. He didn't say much, he observed as you sighed and sniffed, wiping your eyes as you muttered to yourself. He watched in awe as you took off the green healer robes they made you wear, your buttoned shirt coming off with it. 

“I don’t understand how hard it is to keep your kid away from places like those, the kid was barely five and now he has all these welts-“ you huffed in frustration as you stripped off your pants and walked into the bathroom, the door open so you could continue to ramble “how does a five-year-old get cursed? I had to call the Ministry-“

Sirius didn’t think he could deny the fact that he reveled in these moments, he couldn't hide it for the life of him. The ones where you were so comfortable with him, walking around in your mismatched underwear angrily rambling about negligent mothers and how now you have to testify at the Ministry next week. It was laced with domesticity and a cloying sweetness that covered his skin. He wanted to stop you and kiss you silly. To sleep with you, in all your naked glory, and not care because you’d be together. He shook away the need to keep you for himself. He shuffled close to the edge of the bed, his feet finally touching the floor and he picked up a trinket on your nightstand. He bought it for you when he visited France last summer. He promised Regulus he'd gone to see him a few days. It went well, he realized. He also thought of the fact he didn't tell you that's what he went to do.

”Sirius?"

"Hm?" he finally focused back on your words, his eyes flickering back to you and the small smile that formed on your lips when you saw what he had in his hand. 

"I said, what'd you reckon will happen to the kid?" your smile faded, and you picked nervously at your cuticles as you thought about him. Would they take him away? Would he be put in an orphanage? It was protocol you had no other choice but to call... and yet you couldn't stop thinking about it. You started moving around your room again, like a bee collecting pollen from flowers. Bees were cute, right? Sirius hoped you wouldn't think he was silly, Bees were cute, he decided. You grabbed a couple of items of clothing, collecting them in one arm as the other one massaged your scalp. 

"I dunno," he remembered to answer now, "I had never thought about it,"

He could hear you turn on the shower, but you padded back into the room as the water warmed. You looked at him, still in your underwear, the eye bags underneath your eyes were visible, your makeup long faded by now. 

"You never went because of your mum?" He shook his head, and you shuffled closer, the side of your leg pressed against the bed and your knee knocking with his as you looked down at him. Your hand went to caress his hair instinctively, his soft glossy curls sliding through your fingers easily. "I'm sorry no one noticed Sirius," this part was a whisper now, you feared overstepping a boundary you weren't aware of. He smiled at you, his hand coming up to pinch your naked side. 

You yelped and batted his hand away with a laugh. 

"She's good and dead now, I reckon it doesn't matter anymore-" He gave you a saddened smile, his nimble fingers grabbing a hold of your hand pulling you closer to him again. It was private moments like this, that confused you. The intimacy of it all, the way his lips pressed against the back of your hand and looked at you through half-lidded eyes. You were suddenly hyper-aware of how naked you actually were. You had been friends for the majority of your life, shame was long gone, but when you were so close you could feel his breath across the stretch of your tummy, it felt different.

"I reckon it does matter," You pressed a small kiss to his forehead and unpeeled yourself from him, "don't bury it all inside you, Mr Black"

You floated away now, in the sea of your anxiety over your actions, closing the bathroom door behind you. 

Sirius had a lot of destructive behaviors, he knew that. The smoking since he was fifteen, the reckless way he rode his motorcycle around, the growing collection of tattoos on his body, the tumultuous relationship he had with his brother, Merlin definitely the excessiveness in which he drank, not to mention the way he showed up at the Potter's every once in a while seeking James's comfort and unconditional love, ignoring the fact that the man was a father and had a million things on his shoulders. Lily didn’t seem to mind. At least he was a decent godfather, took care of Harry to perfection, it took a few tries but he got it. Loved him with his entire heart. But you, Sirius, thought you might be the worst of it.

The worst thing he’s ever done to himself is allow for this domesticity between you.

You came back from your shower with your hair slightly damp and smelling of your signature body wash scent, sweet and enveloping. The oversized shirt that covered your torso was almost long enough to cover 'til your upper thighs. It made Sirius’s lips curl into a lopsided smile that he tried to repress.

He was lying down now, starfishing on your bed as he stared at the ceiling.

”Are you coming to bed?” The clock blinked 3 AM at you, and Sirius reached his hand out. You walked closer to him, a small smile playing on your lips. You sent the towel you had been using back to its spot with a swish of your hand. Basic handless magic was a difficult skill to gain but Merlin so gratifying. 

“I forgot my pants silly,” he shook his head no, and reached for your hand with a bit more effort, grabbing a hold of it and pulling you down with him.

”Let’s just sleep, you don’t need those-“ He covered the two of you with your heavy duvet as you laughed, he leaned over you to turn off the lamp on your nightstand.

Yes, Sirius thought as he buried his face in the crook of your neck and threw one of his arms over your torso. You were the worst thing he had ever done to himself. He would never be able to let go, your hands stroking his hair until one of you fell asleep, the small ‘night that slipped past your lips just as your eyes fluttered shut. He'd never get enough of your saccharine scent that enveloped him like a blanket, comforting and warm. All-encompassing and suffocating, in each other’s arms every night, in the comfort of your room. 

Sirius knew it deep in his heart, what he had been afraid of for so long. Maybe Remus had it all wrong, maybe he was in love with you.

Because what else could this feeling be?

-

You tried to ignore the ache in your heart when you woke up to an empty bed. You tried to forget the fact that you’d probably do it all again tonight, and the next night too, all to bear the fruit of nothing. 

Dorcas shook her head and she pushed a cup of coffee towards you. 

“Don’t look at me like that Dorcas -“

”I love Sirius as much as the next guy but-“ you picked up the coffee and sighed at its warmth “He’s being a prat honey-“

”It's not like we’ve been having sex, he just needs some sleep” You shook your head and looked away, afraid that your eyes would betray you, “hell I needed sleep too”

”It doesn’t matter, Y/N you’re a healer get him a stock of sleeping draught and yourself some too while you’re at it…” She furrowed her brows but you stayed quiet, not daring to meet her gaze “I know you love him, but I’m not so sure he sees you that way-“

” I’m not in love with him”

“I didn’t say you were in love,” Dorcas sighed now, placing her cup on the sink and walking towards the small chimney in your flat. “Promise me it won’t happen anymore, that you’ll try to break it off”

”I’ll try Dorcas,” she didn’t believe you much, you didn’t believe yourself either, the Floo Flames engulfed her body.

It was hard to, separate yourself from him that is. Sirius Black was addicting, simply from the way he moved. Just watching him is entrancing on its own. Speaking to him, with his suave words and low tone. Everything about him, everyone craved to have a simple conversation, have even an ounce of his attention. Sleeping in his arms though, heart to heart? Now that was in a league of its own. 

-

You dragged yourself into your building, the day bearing down on you. You half hoped that Sirius would be waiting outside your door again, sitting waiting for you to lay in his arms. Disappointment added to the sack of bricks you felt like you were carrying when you turned to see the empty hallway. You sluggishly made your way up to your door, hoping to see Sirius's head pop out of his apartment door. Giggles came down your hall, as you fiddled with your keychain trying to find your key. The drunken whispers got louder and just as you grabbed a hold of your key you heard your name echo softly down the hall.

You dropped your keys in surprise as you took in the sight. Sirius stood rather close to a short woman, her bubbling laughter and her roaming hands didn't stop when he let his arm drop from her shoulders. All color drained from his face and his drunk, loose smile fell quickly from his lips. The girl that clung to him like gum to a shoe hadn’t noticed your presence nor how Sirius seemed to sober up at the sight of you.

You scrambled to pick up your keys as the blonde started whispering in his ear, starting to pull at him again. He called out your name one more time, moving towards you now, dragging the poor girl down the hallway with him.

“have a good night Sirius-“ 

You miraculously managed to get your key in the hole swiftly, turn it, open, and lock yourself inside just in time. Pressing your back against the door, your heart felt like it might leap out of your chest. You had always hoped that he wasn’t seeing other people, or meeting anyone else. And the absence of encounters just like this one had solidified that thought, you were properly convinced. Now though. You had just been lucky enough to not encounter them. You thought back, it was impossible not to feel like Sirius’s look had been one of guilt. Like he got caught. But the two of you weren’t anything.

You were painfully reminded of that fact tonight.

You hadn't noticed how fast or how hard your heart was beating. You felt like it was ready to break through your ribs, leaving you shattered and with a void in your chest. But it didn't do such a thing. No, you stayed perfectly intact, even as you felt the panic batter your chest and the notion that you were definitely not the only woman in his life torturing your heart.

"What's wrong?" Dorcas said in a whisper as she looked up, her large glasses sliding down her nose. The yellow lamps that decorated your apartment gave Dorcas's dark skin a low golden tone, like the type you'd see in paintings of candlelights and sultry lounges. Marlene was over today, her short, bleached blonde strands fanning over her face as she slept with her head on Dorcas's lap, her arms wrapped around the girl's waist.  If it had been any other time you would've run for the muggle Polaroid camera Lily bought you, flashing a picture of the two of them.

"Sirius was just outside with some girl," Dorcas gasped now and shot up, dropping Marlene's head on the couch. The blonde groaned awake and asked what was wrong.

"Sirius brought home a girl" The blonde shot up as well and the girlfriends ran to the door, trying to look through the peephole. "Well this whole thing has gone arse over tit hasn't it?" Marlene pushed Dorcas off for her turn at the peephole. 

"There's no 'thing' between us anyway"

"Well, shit" The blonde outside kept pawing at Sirius, trying to reach his face, to eat it Marlene guessed. He stared at the door, trying to hold the girl who stuck to him back. Marlene felt as if she was in a staring competition. She knew Sirius couldn’t see her but she still liked the thought that she’d win.

Dorcas was the first to peel herself off of the door and pull you into a tight embrace. Her hand rubbed circles on your back and Marlene followed, embracing the two of you. They smelled coconut-y and sweet, even the remainder of Marlene's stronger perfume wafted over you ever so slightly. It was grounding, really, to be hugged tightly by your closest friends, the smell of home, the comfort of knowing that you were loved, even if it wasn't by him.

"I'll hex him for you if you want" Marlene's suggestion, although serious, wasn't necessary. You shook your head sighing. 

"He didn't do anything-" Dorcas flicked your head now, a frown forming on her face as the three of you parted. 

"Like hell, he didn't-"

"He doesn't owe me anything 'Cas don't be harsh"

"He's been sleeping in your bed for the better part of six months I reckon he owes you a lot" Dorcas gave you a look of pity now, like you were a wounded abandoned animal.

"I say we set his motorbike on fire," Marlene suggested casually like she was talking about the weather. You slowly peeled your layers off, as you dragged your feet towards your room. You knew the girls felt bad for you, but it was your fault. Who in their right mind would let Sirius Black so into their hearts, knowing that no commitment would ever come from it? 

You. 

You would. 

From his muscles softened under your touch, his warmth spreading to your body, to the way he mumbled in his sleep. It was something your soul craved to see, to feel, to hear. He had bewitched you, without you wanting him to, without meaning to allow him. You threw yourself on your bed, starfished and in your underwear, freshly showered. The water did not wash away the regret nor the hurt. They only made you think of coming back to Sirius in your bed, smiling and pulling you into his arms. Your sheets were cold, and tucked in neatly, very unlike the cozy mess Sirius usually made of it. So you stared, long and hard at the white of your ceiling. You prayed sleep would take you, you were exhausted. Like your body had been beaten, like your heart had split in two. 

No such sleep would overtake you. Instead, you could hear frantic knocks on your front door, your muscles twitched but you didn't dare move, like if you breathed he'd know. You heard Dorcas rip the door open, the force of it reverberating through your small flat. 

"You got some balls coming here," It was muffled, but you could still hear the venom in her voice. She didn't let him speak. "You're going to die cold, sad, and alone Black— don't you ever forget it" She threw the door closed now, the bang shaking your room again. It was jarring to hear that, especially from someone as sweet as Dorcas was, and she meant it. Hell, you felt like she would make sure of it, no matter the cost. 

"Sweetheart-" Dorcas spoke through the door, her knuckles grazing the wood but not quite knocking. You didn't answer.

A muffled she must be asleep, and you felt like you could breathe again. You knew Sirius wouldn't end up alone. If he did romantically, the friendships in his life would fulfill that void anyway. He had a family. Most of your friends were his, and you knew, that you could never ask any of them to walk around the uncomfortable wall that seemed to form between you, or god forbid pick sides. It was stupid, you knew there was no reason you should be upset. You were not together. You weren't anything to him, and he wasn't supposed to be to you.

But oh he was. He was everything.

-

On nights like these, you thought you might reach your limit and have to be admitted into the psychiatric ward of St Mungo's yourself. You felt sweaty, and the stuffy healer robes didn't help to ease the heat that crawled up your skin. Your hair felt frizzy and out of place, and your buttoned-up shirt felt like it was choking you, but you couldn't stop. You couldn't afford to nor could the patients that kept coming in. The St Mungo's emergency room was nothing short of a battleground, it was vile and the worst turn to get. Especially during the overnight shift. These were the types of shifts that made you second guess your career choice, the ones that made you want to throw in the towel and drag yourself back into your apartment and never come out. 

"Y/N come on, they're bringing in a flying vehicle accident-" you frowned as you let your turn partner drag you towards one of the newly entered patients. For the first time that shift, you felt dread crawl up your throat, your heart skipping a beat as you saw Sirius lying unconscious on the bed. For a second you thought you had forgotten how to breathe, your fingertips felt numb and your ears rang. His perfect nose was bloody, his perfect lip bruised and split. There were scrapes on his cheeks, and his jeans had been ripped and stained red. It wasn't noticeable at first, but the metallic smell and the caked-on blood on his black jacket became visible as you approached, it all made it clear, it had been bad.

You couldn't understand what your partner was telling you, the ringing in your ears too loud for you to make out the words, but as they moved Sirius onto a proper bed, it all came crashing down again. Repeated prayers of no's rang through your head along with pleas to a higher power to let this be a nightmare, one you'd wake up from cold and sweaty but knowing he's safe. No such relief came, and your fingertips buzzed with electricity once again, moving so fast it was like you moved at two times speed. You couldn't think of anything but prayers, to what? You didn't know, but you did so nevertheless. To the stars, and the heavens, or the magic that ran through your blood, through his. You didn't know. But you muttered words of hope and love, as you cleaned his wounds, hoping he'd hear you.

You busied yourself and basically assigned yourself to his care, after they moved him out of the ER, into one of the beds in the rows of other patients divided by sheets. You barely left his side, just to shower and change into the spare clothes Dorcas had brought you reluctantly, mildly upset you were taking care of Sirius. You ate next to him, talked to him, read your favorite poems, and hummed his favorite songs. He mumbled here and there, and his eyes would flutter sometimes which you took as a good sign but the tension didn't leave your shoulders, and your prayers never ended.

James, Remus, and Peter passed by, dropping some baked goods off and comforting you with teary hugs. 

"I told him that bloody bike would kill him-" Remus said as he shook his head and sat next to Sirius for a bit, his hand on the boy's knee.

"How's he doing doc?" you rolled your eyes, amusement played in James's eyes at the pull of your lips. He had always secretly been a worrywart, but he played it off well as if his heart didn't almost beat out of his chest when he got the call.

"As long as he wakes up he'll be fine-" He smiled genuinely now, "Few broken bones," He hummed, looking at Remus and Peter huddled next to Sirius's bed.

"few broken bones hm? wouldn't be the first time." You talked for a while, each one of you ignoring the nagging feeling of worry. Sirius's boisterous laugh was poignantly missing from the conversation. But soon enough, James's father's duties called and he pressed a kiss on Sirius's forehead and one on yours very fatherlike and apparated away, Remus and Peter gathered themselves up as well not long after.

"Call if anything, okay doll?" Remus pulled you into a tight hug, his lips pressing against your temple as well. Peter gave you a small hug, his eyes trailing over Sirius's form sadly. 

You were left alone again, the window panes that surrounded the hall letting some moonlight in. Time felt like a thick jelly, your eyes staring at the clock as you ran your hands through his hair, the exhaustion was quickly catching up to you. But the thought of another coffee made your stomach churn and your eyelids felt heavy like lead. So you gripped his hand tightly and laid your head against his arm.

If he woke up, you'd be there.

-

Sirius felt like he might be in heaven, the second his eyes fluttered open you were there. Your face pressed between his forearm and the bed, your hand tightly clutching his. He could feel the ghost of your lips on his skin and goosebumps threatened to crawl up his spine, his thoughts straying to your pout. Your closed eyes and your steady breathing made it clear you were sleeping, Sirius couldn't help but smile. He very rarely got to watch you like this, by some miracle he always fell asleep first and woke up second. You were so lovely, with your soft skin and the angelic glow from the light of the moon glaring against the curve of your face. If it wasn't for the stinging in his face or the way his ribs felt like they were collapsing in on themselves, Sirius would've sworn up and down he had died and gone to heaven.

He squeezed your hand, and the weight of the realization that you had been taking care of him fell on him. Guilt clawed at his throat, he had broken your heart and you still took care of him. He'll never forget the look on your face, the surprise, and the tears that threatened to fall. There was no other word to use besides heartbreak, and it had been his fault. He didn't know why he had brought her home, he didn't particularly fancy the girl, but the alcohol made his veins feel warm and she smiled at him and the impulsiveness and self-destruction within himself were a shoot-first ask-questions later duo that ruled his brain. He realized that you deserved more. More than him, more than the empty bed he left you with, or the avoidance of feelings. Sometimes Sirius wished you'd forget him. It would be better for you.

To forget his face, forget his name.

Your eyes began to pry open, and he couldn't help but spill his guts again. 

"For so long I hoped I'd fall asleep at the wheel and crash my motorbike on the ride home-" Your heart jumped to your throat, your head shooting up at the realization he was awake. His words were raspy and as much as he tried they were barely a whisper. "But then you came back from your apprenticeship, and moved right in front and it felt like-" he looked away now, his fingers fidgeting with yours. "Like you were that light at the end of the tunnel." Your hand was still pressed against his. 

"I stopped wanting to fall asleep on the bike, I just wanted to fall asleep with you"

"You are an idiot Sirius Black" The frustration gathered over the last two days flushed your system, tears threatening to fall over "you are so reckless and so utterly stupid-" tears flowed down your cheeks but you wouldn't let them fall, furiously wiping them away with your sleeve. He looked at you heartbroken. 

"I know love"

"No," you shook your head now and stood up, his hand falling back to the bed "You don't know, all I do is worry and care, and you don't!" your laugh came out crueler than you meant but it came out nonetheless "You never care Sirius- Oh and imagine when I don't see or hear from you for days, and suddenly you're dragged in here looking like you're seconds away from dying-" you paced around as you went on, your hands running through your hair in frustration.

"I didn't think you wanted to see me" he stared at you now, hoping to catch your gaze. Hoping to see if you meant it, hoping to see, something. Something that would tell him what he so desperately wanted to know. 

"I always want to see you" You locked eyes with his, his stupidly gorgeous stormy eyes. And he knew, from the pain in your eyes, from the way your pupils blew the second you looked at him, from the way you softened, anger dissipated when you looked at him. You didn't understand how anyone could look like that, how even scratched up he looked like he had been carved out of marble. "All I want is to see you," you were close enough for him to reach for your hand, even with pain shooting down his ribs, he did.

"I'm sorry,” you sat on the edge of his bed, closer than you had intended, as he spoke, looking at your intertwined hands. “and I’m sorry about the lass too-“

You scrunched up your nose, “I reckon that is none of my business” and he wondered how long you had to tell yourself that until you believed it.

”I sent her home, nothing happened-“

“you can go out with whoever you wish”

”I only want you” 

You looked at him again, into his eyes, into his soul. Hoping to catch a flicker of truth. His eyes looked at you with hope and want, and you knew. Sirius would never lie to you, he might be a drunk, and emotionally unavailable, and Merlin knows that he’s a mess, but Sirius Black was not a liar, especially to you. He squeezed your hands, pulling them close to his chest, pressing them against his heart.

”I’m so in love with you, you drive me mad,” he said this last part with a laugh, pulling a teary giggle out of you. You couldn’t help yourself, the wetness of your eyes and cheeks coming without you meaning it to. He swiped a thumb under your eyes, a nervous laugh threatening to spill from his lips, a watery smile forming instead.

“I am regrettably, in love with you as well” You smiled now, looking away from his scoff. His lips curled into a full-fledged smile now, as did yours.

“Am I that awful?”

”I fear so Mr Black,“ you glanced at him teasingly, the glint in your eye he loved so much returning. 

“I reckon you wouldn’t want to kiss a tosser like me then,” You couldn’t help but smile, as the both of you subconsciously leaned closer. His hands cupped your cheeks as your foreheads pressed together. “Can I—“

You didn’t let him finish, finally closing the distance between you. He kissed you shyly, a trait you didn’t know he possessed. You kiss him soft and open-mouthed, a small hum coming from his chest. His fingers hold on to your face, desperate to keep you close, and and you revel in the fact that his kiss turns hungry like he’d never get to kiss you again. 

You part with a small satisfied sigh, foreheads pressed against one another and eyes fluttered shut. Sirius thought about the many times he wondered what this would feel like, to press his lips against yours. He had dreamt of this for months; when you walked around your room in your underwear ranting or every time you opened the door, he dreamt of kissing you in the mornings and late at night.

Sirius realized, as he pressed another kiss to your lips, he had dreamt of kissing you for years.

[bethsvrse]

me staring at my ceiling after y/n does the most FLABBERGASTING thing ever

[shoot1ngst4r]

going out of your way to search up [insert character] ANGST and all you get is smut

[fallsndreamsalone]

[theshamelesssimp]

When you're reading a fanfic and suddenly the reader has a name