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scoups4lyfe · 2 years

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PART 2

Out of all of Ian's songs, "So Beautiful" is one of my absolute favorites, especially the MV because of [again] the visuals and how accurately they convey what being Bipolar is like or what going through an episode is like.

Often I have the hardest times knowing I'm in an episode (until it's escalated significantly) because I go from being "unable" or "meh" to being able, and --like the quote above;

I can't tell if I've entered into a mood episode, or if I'm generally just having a good day.

You'll see this in a lot of my journal entries, but lack of control is major when (in my experience) it comes to being Bipolar.

Having no control over your own mental stability is "maddening"...for lack of a better term.

Around three years ago, I watched SKAM France and began to wonder if I was Bipolar.

Seeing Eliot, all I could think was: "Yeah that's me."

But since I didn’t know if I actually had it — I started mood journaling — and eventually I went to a psychiatrist (don’t get it twisted, I went for depression LOL — and because I was seeking to find an ADHD evaluation), and yeah. I was diagnosed with both ADHD and Bipolar.

Now — you might ask: “How can you NOT know or realize you have bipolar disorder?” And ohooooo my friend, let me TELL you.

— Depressive Episodes—

In Bipolar (though no one experiences it the same way — it’s a spectrum, but there are some general commonalities), there tend to be more depressive episodes than manic or hypomanic episodes.

“Although mania and hypomania specifically identify bipolar illness, depression is of major concern in patients with bipolar disorder, because depressive symptoms are far more frequent than manic symptoms and most suicides occur during the depressive phase.” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1324957/)

In this academic article about the burden of bipolar depression within bipolar disorder, it shares studies particularly on how Bipolar

Depression significantly impacts Bipolar patients.

People with Bipolar usually seek help when they’re in a depressive phase; and are therefore often misdiagnosed as MDD — Major Depressive Disorder. The problem with this is that MDD treatment, usually going onto antidepressants, can send the Bipolar patient into acute mania, mixed states, and/or rapid cycling states. (I will define these in a second.)

...

“Bipolar disorder has a negative impact on virtually every facet of a patient's life, with depressive symptoms having a particularly strong effect on patient well-being. Depressive symptoms predominate over hypomanic/manic symptoms in the courses of both bipolar I and bipolar II disorders. In prospective studies of the natural history of bipolar disorder, bipolar I patients reported experiencing depression for 31.9% of weeks and hypomanic/manic symptoms for only 8.9%, whereas bipolar II patients reported depression for 50.3% of weeks and hypomanic/ manic symptoms for only 1.3%.”

“Similar findings on the prevalence of depressive symptoms were reported in a study of 258 outpatients admitted to the Stanley Foundation Bipolar Network. Approximately 25% of these patients reported being ill for more than three quarters of the year, with a mean of 214 days depressed, and 40% were intermittently ill, with a mean of 120 days depressed. An overview of findings from the Stanley Foundation Bipolar Network concluded that, despite treatment, bipolar outpatients remain significantly affected by their illness, with depressive symptoms posing a greater problem for effective treatment than mania.”

“Over 60% of patients in the Stanley Center Bipolar Disorder Registry were unemployed, despite the fact that 30% had completed college.”

“Termination of mood stabilizers may also have negative effects in patients with bipolar disorder. In published studies of patients with bipolar disorder who discontinued lithium treatment, suicide rates rose 20-fold and affective illness recurred in 67% of patients during the first year after discontinuation of lithium. Termination of treatment with other mood stabilizers, including the atypical antipsychotics, may be associated with negative outcomes.”

These are quotes taken from the same source quoted above in red.

[Right.]

So — for me, since my onset of Bipolar was around puberty (late middle school; early high school), added in with the emotional dysregulation of ADHD, my mood episodes were something I had gotten used to, and that I thought were normal. (LOL.)

Plus, I didn’t realize or know what hypomania and mania was; ergo—I only really recognized the major depressive episodes. “Ah, everyone gets depressed <33.” ←My bonkers thought process.

I didn’t realize my intensity of depression was something that people didn’t normally experience — in fact, I remember talking to my little sister, and she told me she barely ever got depressed, and when she did it was just for a short period of time. The ‘surprised pikachu’ meme would be apt here, LOL!

My wake-up call that it wasn’t normal was a tv show (SKAM — the french one; though I have watched the OG one.) that had an accurate portrayal of Bipolar Disorder in one of the main characters. The way they went from happy elation; that flirty feeling of being on-top of the world, to the fall into a major depressive episode.

That depression was all too familiar to me. Literally looked the EXACT fvcking same.

...

Three best portrayals of what my sudden depressive episodes look like:

[1] Mr. Robot — Eliot bawling his eyes out in episode 1. (20:00 Minutes in Timestamp)

(Link clip example here)

[2] Eliot Demury — Skam France (And Even — OG SKAM)

[3] Ian Gallagher, Shameless (U.S)

— (Linked clip example here)

...

I don’t know how to exactly describe it. Sometimes there’s just this overflow of emotion that makes me either cry or laugh or both. But mostly….it’s the apathy. Nothing matters. Nothing. The reason I don’t really care anymore about others’ opinions is because once I felt that apathy — that feeling of emptiness; of not caring — because life was nothing; I was nothing. So anyone’s negative opinions of me didn’t matter, I didn’t care about myself, so whatever they said ‘was probably right’ ←in my head; but it was as good as dust to me because nothing and no one could beat the hate I had for myself, OR the sh*t I was telling myself.

It’s fvcked up, I know. Even more fvcked up — is that there would be days I couldn’t get out of bed for a week. I would lay in bed. I wouldn't eat, it would be rare if I got up to use the bathroom— and any responsibility I had, I would not attend to — and you couldn’t make me. I would sleep 17-18 hours a day. Tired of everything, I would have no energy.

I ended up losing a lot of weight in college because of this LOL. I also fainted because of this (rip). When I could function enough to eat, go to class, I would still be empty and fatigued. I would go to class, eat, and then spend the rest of my time sleeping.

Even in high school, I would have an exorbitant amount of “sick days.” And when I did go to school, when I got home I would do my (1) chore and then sleep. School, chore, sleep. School, chore, sleep. It was to the point that my parents thought I was on drugs because all I would do was sleep. LOL.

And that depression would last for months. If it lasted two weeks or less that would be lucky. Anyways, there was a period of time (a few months after I graduated college) that I was normal. I felt normal, I acted normal, I had normal amounts of energy.

I remember telling my friends that (because I made a psychiatrist appointment) I wouldn’t tell them (the psychiatrist) about my depression because “Bah, it’s not that bad. I can sleep it off 🤪.” Anyways — I suddenly (and for no reason) fell into a depressive episode, and when that hit I was like, “Yeah I need to go tell the psychiatrist and get this figured out.”

I actually started treatment for depression before ADHD. And my depression was so bad, the antidepressants just barely made me functionable. Literally could not tell if they were working and my depression was that bad, or if they genuinely didn’t work. Anyways; yes they WERE working, my depression was just that bad. LOL.

(TW: Suicidal Ideation)

When I get low like this, if I start spiraling (which often happens) I get to the point where I think, constantly: “I don’t want to wake up anymore.” Sometimes I would even pray not to wake up anymore. I had crippling fatigue — so there was no energy to hurt myself. Which is why most of my mixed episodes are so dangerous.

Mostly though, when I’m down / dipping, I sleep. I just let myself do nothing, and sleep. Until it leaves, however long that may take.

I've talked about my experience being manic a few times.

Here I talked about being euphoric

Mania Episodes

I have had both euphoric AND irritated mania. And I have got to say — I liked the euphoric one; but FVCK the other one.

Mixed Episodes

Ok. Mixed episodes — where one has energy (manic symptoms) but irritation or depression / fatigue (depressive symptoms); basically it's a mix of both mania and depression.

For me — this is when I get into the most dangerous states.

Most of the time I’m so tired it actually hurts. It feels like the fatigue is killing me; like I’ve sunken into the dark circles under my eyes. Except the moment I lay down? BOOM! Wide fvcking awake.

The fatigue doesn’t leave, nor does the pain, but there’s this energy buzzing through me and it quickly turns into irritation because all I want to do is SLEEP, but I can’t! I fvcking can’t; and it kills me.

Theses are the times where any passive suicidal ideation become more active thoughts. Mostly about prescription drugs and overdosing. (Or things like drinking windex.)

Anyways —

I don’t ever act on these thoughts because I do like living (thank you very much >:o ); but that doesn’t mean those kinds of thoughts don’t happen. In fact ---a whole spiraling intrusive thought chain decides to party in my head until I DO fall asleep, or find something to distract me. (Not a fun time.)

First — let’s just get this out of the way; Bipolar — aka the episodes, whether depressive, manic, or mixed — , are not caused by purely external events. It’s literal chemicals in the brain playing limbo with your mental health.

Now, can external events trigger an episode? Absolutely.

In fact, sleep is one of the strongest triggers for people with Bipolar disorder.

And I quote:

“ — It is essential that people with bipolar disorder practice good sleep hygiene. Ideally, you should go to sleep and wake up in a regular, predictable pattern and avoid activities that interfere with this schedule, including staying up late, drinking alcohol, and consuming caffeine. In order to promote a restful and regular sleep, create a ritual for yourself to get your mind and body prepared for bed. If you struggle to sleep, be sure to talk to your doctor about it so you can identify whether these sleep disturbances are a symptom of a mood episode and gain control over your sleep cycle before it triggers mood switching.”

— bridgestorecovery.com ‘Understanding Bipolar Disorder Trigger And How to Prevent Them’

I have stated this before here and here

But blackouts can happen when you're in a manic state; these last few months I've had at least three black outs, spanning from a day, to a couple of days.