#so clearly i now will own an air fryer.

[carcarrot]

nothing better than insanely researching what is the best kind of a certain product to buy today and finding out that you should just get one made 50 years ago

[vaportea]

so i've been pondering since the season finale of X-Men '97 and i have been watching "Tolerance is Extinction - Part 3" juuuuuuust to make sure i haven't missed any details. and there's one frame in particular that bothers me and i couldn't put it into words why but I can now

this frame

this frame right here

that whole scene even. and you can make all the jokes you want about it, i know i did, this could go with a dozen hilarious captions. "clearly you don't own an air fryer" "i know he ate a cheese" "twink boutta pounce" you get it.

but jokes aside, the scene right after is a mental confrontation between Charles and Erik where Charles threatens to take over Erik's mind and actually does so and Erik is beyond powerless to do anything about it, which if you recall is one of Erik's fears, so much so that he has protection against it now. That look on Charles' face, how DARE he act so coy about it! And had the nerve to not only pretend that it was all something that it wasn't in the beginning but play the victim in the end! Even at the risk of BOTH their minds shattering into dust, Charles seems to have no problem invading the deepest annals of his supposed ex bestie's mind, and I want to remind that such was the intent!--AND mind you too that this isn't the first time, the show tells you that too in earlier episodes!

Professor X is no virtuoso. At best? He's a master manipulator, amazing mind powers or otherwise; this scene shows how he can slither around one's mind and to their heart like a snake. That kind of power over someone? No wonder Erik is wary of him...

[softtcurse]

Can you feel that old Benicia air?

this fic contains mentions of postpartum depression, please read at your own discretion <3 please note that everything written is fiction and fiction only.

You sighed, another headache taking ahold of your mind while you tried to load the dishes from dinner into the dishwasher. Scrubbing ketchup stains from your plain white dishes.

Chicken nuggets and fries tonight

A guilt at the pit of your stomach as you reminded yourself that you were a terrible mother for giving your growing baby girl such a easy meal tonight. You just couldn’t bring yourself to make a home cooked meal.

Why couldn’t you be like the women on tv? The ones on the food network that made roasts for their family every night, green beans in a butter sauce, with a side of home made rolls? Why did you resort to pulling out a frozen bag of Tysons chicken nuggets and throw them in the air fryer. Just because the pure thought of doing anything else made you sick.

Selfish

You’re a selfish woman YN

Your tears threatening to falls with every wince at the hot water touching your skin. You were clearly on edge and your sniffles being muffled out by the sound of the water splashing in the sink.

You eyes were tired and you knew you looked worse that you felt. That’s saying a lot

“Momma can I please give Ezzie his bottle?”

“No baby you’re going to hurt him” You mumbled in a reply. Your breasts hurt against the material of your nursing bra. Very unattractive in your opinion but it was the only thing your very aching breasts could handle at the time. Having a two month old that depended on you as well as a 3 year old who was learning that developing her own attitude could get her what she wanted most of the time, it was anything but easy.

Whoever told you that it would get better had surely lied to you.

“Please momma!? I’ll be careful!” Mila jumped up and down, her stomps making Ezra squirm in his rocking bassinet. His pacifier escaping his lips and soon enough his face was scrunched up in displeasure. The tight grip pain had in your head only got more intense. His screaming was making your nipples lactate and you didn’t even had a pad to prevent the milk from seeping through.

great

“Mila baby I need you to please go sit down, I told you to be quiet after dinner so you wouldn’t wake up your brother and now he’s awake” You placed the last fork into the dishwasher and made a mental note to start it before you went upstairs to bed once Jack decided to get home.

Mila pouted and stuck her finger in her thumb, a habit you were trying to break before she messed her teeth up but at the moment you had no strength to fight her on it. “Go sit down, now” You raised an eyebrow at her as you walked into the living room. Mila stood still, battling you and making it anything but easy to make your night less stressful. She was three and you knew it wasn’t her fault. She didn’t know any better. But fuck would it help to have something go your way.

“When daddy gets home, I’m going to tell him that you weren’t listening to me and he’s not going to take you to the game this weekend with uncle Urban” Picking up Ezra into your arms you rubbed his back softly and kissed his soft cheeks. His whimpers became softer and softer and he was leaning his head to the side, smacking his lips as if you hadn’t just fed him an hour prior. Your nipples were sore and cracked. His constant feeding was taking a toll on them but you were one of those moms that wanted to take the route of breastfeeding before switching Ezra over to formula when he turned 4 months.

“No momma no!”

A empty feeling in the air, you didn’t even notice the front door opening and closing.

You tried to adjust Ezra to your breast after fighting your bra and your shirt. Not he wasn’t even latching on properly.

“Daddy!”

You looked up. A tired smile leaving your lips.

He was home.

“Hey baby girl” Jack smiled and looked down at his little girl. Who had stains on her white new balance shirt that she had just gotten a few days prior. Jack not even noticing it, nor did he care. But in your head you felt as if he was calling you a bad mother.

You watched as your husband lifted your baby into his arms. Pressing kisses to her chubby cheeks as she giggled.

“What did momma tell you about that thumb huh?” His sternness didn’t go unnoticed and you breathed a sigh of relief when Mila took it out of her mouth without a fight.

“Hi mama” Jack said, walking over to you. The smell of the same cologne he had sprayed on this morning still lingering in his clothes. You couldn’t help but take a extra deep breath to see if there were any signs of a woman’s perfume lingering in his clothes. Looking at his neck to see if there were any hickies you missed.

“Hi” You put on your best smile. He leaned over for a kiss and you didn’t taste any artificially flavored chapstick. Pecking down on your lip one more time you savored it.

“I missed you, and this little guy too. Hey handsome” Jack cooed at your baby. Ezra offered him a small baby smile and once Jack kissed his head you watched as his eyes fluttered closed. Long lashes cascading over his plump cheeks.

Why couldn’t you be the mother that could get him to do that?

///

“I’ve been thinking”

“Uh oh”

You joked. Laughing and cracking a smile at Jack as he playfully glared at you through the mirror. You blew him a kiss and shrugged. Continuing to lather the lotion on your skin. Your eyes paying extra attention to your stomach that was gathered up around the top of your breast. Your nightgown fresh out the dryer and you were happy you remembered to put your last load of laundry to dry before you started on dinner. The stretch marks very evident on your skin. You wished that there was some kind of special cream that would make them less noticiable but you had tried everything and it just wasn’t working.

That dream was long gone now.

“Shush you” Jack snorted back a laugh. His hand pressing buttons on the remote trying to find something to watch, before he could lay up in bed and love on you. One of his arms coming to the back of his head and resting there while he looked between you and the TV. “We should take a vacation”

“A vacation where?” You twisted the cap of your lotion back on.

“Where we met” You smiled softly and shook your head at his words. Turning off the light and the only light in the room was from the television which was on low volume due to the kids being tucked in and asleep.

You sighed softly and a yawn escaped your lips as you crawled into bed. Awaiting Jack’s open and inviting arms. His touch was warm, and not just physically.

“Why there?” You asked tiredly. His hand coming up to massage your scalp as you rested on top of his chest. His heartbeat was most soothing and maybe it was how tired you were, but you got lost in the sound of his heart. Maybe it was knowing it was still yours. Or maybe it was knowing that even how you felt he was still with you.

“That’s where it all started. I might my amazing wife, the mother to my kids. Plus we haven’t been there since…sheesh. Since 2020? Before we moved to Kentucky when Mila was a year old….” Jack grinned and kissed your head softly.

“Hmmm”

“You don’t want to?”

“No…I want to it’s just….” you pondered the thought a little bit before you spoke.

“You know you can tell me everything. Baby remember what your therapist said-“

“I know Jack, I know” You cut him off. The lump on your throat

Your silence was defeating to Jack.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up, it’s just I know you liked the back of my hand. I don’t want you to see me as someone who you can’t talk to…”

Your tears soaked his white tee.

“I know…I know” You sniffled and your voice cracked.

“I think it would be good for us. With the kids. We’ve never been with Ezra…it’s new. We’re not here for a little bit. I think it would be good for you”

“I trust you, and I know you’d never do anything to hurt me. I’m just scared…and crazy”

Jack gripped your head closer to him.

“You’re not crazy. You’re going through a tough time. A lot of women do. You’re not the only one pretty girl. I told you that already” You heard his own voice crack.

He hates it when you talked to yourself like that.

“Please don’t cry, not because of me”

“I love you so much, and we’ll do anything to make you feel better again. I fucking promise you that YN”

“I know baby, I know it.” You kissed his chest.

“I missed the Benicia air”

“We’re going back in less that two weeks, I already made arrangements”

“I love you” You said after a few minutes of silence. You missed where home felt like home. Kentucky was home too, but Benicia was somewhere your heart felt soothed. Even if it was for a few weeks or a few days. You needed that time there.

“I love you too”

You held him tighter that night.

[lixiesfreckless]

Punch It | l. m.

➸ synopsis: there’s an unexpected opening for the leader position of Changbin’s street racing gang club. Naturally, Minho steps up, ready to fill in the role.

He didn’t expect anyone to challenge him, though.

➸ starring: lee minho x female reader(ft. idols from jypnation)

➸ word count: 5.1k

➸ general content: streetracer!minho, actual street racing, the reader and Minho are both too cocky for their own good, rivals to something more, unacknowledged sexual tension

➸ warnings: mild swearing, briefly mentioned alcohol consumption, reckless driving(it is street racing after all)

➸ rating: teen+

➸ author’s note: this is the first fic I posted that made me feel accomplished as a writer. at the time it was the longest thing I had ever written, and I wrote 4k of it in one day; something that was unheard of for me previously. I want this fic here as a reminder as to how far I’ve come as a writer. this was originally posted in 2021, though, so please understand that it is not up to par with my recent works.

♫ this fic has a soundtrack! you don’t need to listen to it while reading(especially if the lyrics will bother you), but dude. the vibes. the speed. we are breaking traffic laws in style.

yes, it’s meant to be listened to in that order. shuffling it will result in Minho cramming you into an air fryer for 20 minutes at 180 degrees.

♫- Sin City

“A shot of hard liquor please, skip the ice,” Changbin told the bartender, pointing towards his favorite brown bottle behind the counter. 

“Woah woah woah- what about our rule?” Hyunjin said, raising an eyebrow while putting a hand on the older man’s shoulder.

“Yes I know the rule; I was the one who made it,” Changbin scoffed, swatting Hyunjin’s hand away. You guys may break a lot of rules on the daily, but catching a DUI? That was out of the question. Which is why this particular club was used for group meetups and pit stops only; touch a drop of alcohol and you won’t be getting back behind your steering wheel.

Changbin turned to face everyone, sitting at the curved bar with questioning looks on their faces.

“Which I guess brings me to the reason why I called for us to meet today,” he sighed, watching how the rest of the crew glanced between each other nervously. Everyone had been sort of tense upon arrival, since this was a Thursday night instead of their usual Friday meetups.

“I'm stepping down as leader.”

“WHAT?!” was the collective reaction of all twelve members, some slamming their palms on the counter as they abruptly stood up.

“Okay so you don’t need any liquor, clearly you’re already drunk,” Minho rolled his eyes, swirling the ice around in a glass of water on the bar counter.

“Oh I’m sober,” he sighed, taking his keys and wallet out of his pocket, and you could see the color drain from Minho’s face as he realized that this wasn’t some sick joke.

“But why,” Hyunjin piped up, playing with his driving gloves. “You’re the best leader we’ve had since I joined the gang.” 

Everyone nodded in agreement; out of everyone that was there Hyunjin had been in the gang the longest, he would know better than anyone else.

Changbin was silent for a moment before he opened his wallet, taking out a small shiny Polaroid.

He slid it across the counter so the group could get a good look at it.

At the bottom, the name “Seo Chun Ja” was written hastily in black ink, along with a date that couldn’t have been more than a week ago.

In the photo was a woman that you had known by now to be his wife, but she was holding something in her arms on the hospital bed.

A baby girl.

Donning a knitted pink cap with yellow flowers, the child couldn’t have been bigger than Changbin’s forearm as she rested in her mother’s arms. 

It only took a couple of seconds for everyone to register what was going on.

“You’re…you’re a father?!” You squealed, leaning farther over the counter to see the bundle of joy in his wife’s arms. You weren’t the only one surprised; Changbin preferred to keep his personal life private, and the only indication that most people had that he was even married was from the gold band on his left ring finger. He smiled fondly at the photograph before nodding, and took the photo back into his fingertips.

“How old is she?” Someone chimed from the other end of the group.

“Three days? Or maybe four,” he chuckled, sliding the photo back into his wallet. “I don’t know, I haven’t gotten much sleep since she made her grand entrance into the world.”

“Does she cry a lot?” Hyunjin asked.

“Yeah.”

“Yup, she’s a Seo alright,” Minho chuckled, raising his eyebrows before taking another sip of his water. Changbin yelled in annoyance as Hyunjin high fived the older boy, cackling wildly.

Congrats and thanks were shared across the bar for another minute before everyone slowly fell silent, taking in the gravity of the situation as the bass thrummed through the room.

“So…does this mean you’re not going to race anymore?” You said quietly, looking up at Changbin. He squinted his eyes before taking a deep breath.

“No, I’m not going to stop racing,” he started, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. “I just don’t have the time for our weekly meetups, not until little Chun Ja can sleep through the night.” You nodded in understanding; racing while sleep deprived would be taking the fast track to heaven.

“And I mean…not that what we do is entirely life threatening, but the wifey is a bit worried that me barreling down the highway at 100 mph isn’t exactly keeping the family’s best interests at heart,” he chuckled nervously, taking the glass that the bartender slid to him and downing it in one go. “I’ll show up every once in a while though.”

“So who’s gonna be the next leader then?” Minho asked, finally putting his glass down.

Changbin threw the keys he had in his other hand towards the middle of the counter, and everyone’s eyes went wide.

Those were the keys to his favorite car, a sleek black 1993 Toyota MR2.

“Changbin, you drove that car here,” Hyunjin said, crossing his arms and tilting his head. “Who’s going to drive you home?”

“You will,” he grinned, and the tall boy slapped a hand to his forehead and groaned.

“I take back what I said about you being the best leader-”

“Shut it, pretty boy.”

“What do you even want us to do with those?” Yeji piped up, your favorite driving partner by far. Her hair was braided into one long platinum tail down her back, and although she used to race motocross, she picked up street racing because those types of bikes weren’t allowed on city roads.

Changbin cleared his throat.

“Since I’m not going to be racing all that frequently, I would hate to see my baby be locked up in a garage to rust away with my other SUVs, so…” he pushed the keys forward with his finger a bit more, “whoever thinks they’re the best driver, after me of course,” he snickered, and you could hear someone snort behind you. “Stand up and take the keys.”

Hyunjin and Minho stood up, but after glancing at Minho, Hyunjin sat back down, to which Minho chuckled to himself.

What Minho wasn’t expecting however, was for you to stand up too.

He stared at you in mild disbelief before looking away and scoffing.

“You’re kidding right?” He said, raising an eyebrow. You folded your arms, taking a defensive stance.

“I’m standing, aren’t I?”

Hyunjin took a sip of his virgin Shirley Temple and side eyed Yeji, who had the same mischievous look on her face.

“I test drove race cars for four years!”

“So?” Yeji chuckled, keeping her attitude at bay while fixing her gloves. “Y/n’s good. Like really good.”

“But doesn’t experience matter more-”

“Alright alright, calm down,” Changbin said, waving his hands while he grabbed the keys. He then swiftly tossed them to Minho, whose face lit up, then quickly fell after seeing Changbin shake his head.

“You know how we settle things around here, don’t you?”

‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧ ♫- Automatic ‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧

The car rolled to a stop in between two streetlights, stopping at an intersection of an alleyway and a back road on the edges of the city. Minho leaned back in his seat, beginning to roll up the sleeves of his white button down shirt as you pulled up a stopwatch on your phone.

“And out of all the tracks we like to race,” he huffed, glancing at you, “why did you pick the track that I hold the fastest time for?”

“Simple,” you said quietly, propping your phone up on a vent clip.

“That way when I beat you, the look on your face will be priceless.”

His jaw dropped at your confidence, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t find it the slightest bit attractive.

“Everyone’s tried to beat my record, even Changbin-”

“Not me,” you quipped.

“So you’re just gonna claim that you can right off the bat?” He scoffed, pulling the strap tight on his gloves.

“There’s a first time for everything.”

“You’re-”

“Are you gonna drive or are we gonna sit here and bicker all night?” You cut him off, leaning towards him in your seat. “Because I can do both, but I’m sure the gang would love to know who won the race and not our argument-”

“Okay okay, sheesh,” he said, readjusting himself in the seat and taking the car out of park.

The rules were simple. One lap around downtown on the usual track, no shortcuts, no shenanigans, and no cheating of any kind, such as distracting the driver. It was late enough as is so there would be no pedestrians or traffic, not that this part of town was particularly busy at any time of day. The track took a little more than a minute if you were an experienced street racer, but for Minho, his time to beat was fifty-six seconds.

“Start the clock whenever you’re ready,” he mumbled, one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the gear shift. He was mad, you could tell. You found that hot, which you hoped he couldn’t tell.

“Three-”

He trained his eyes on the road.

“Two-”

He revved the engine twice. The little show off.

“One-”

He clicked the car into first gear, and you barely registered yourself pressing the start button and yelling “GO!” before the blaring sound of the engine roaring to life filled your eardrums. 

You were both pressed into the back of your seats as the car zoomed forward, turning the small dots of light in the streets into streaks while the black rocket whizzed by.

A sly grin grew on his face as he upshifted twice, and after a few seconds he was well over the speed limit, not that any police officers lingered around this side of the city.

He knew this road like the back of his hand. Every pothole, every crack, anything that would slow him down he knew just how to avoid it. Even when he approached sharp turns, he knew just when he had to start downshifting, and even that was seamless.

Calculated.

Precise.

Completely and utterly predictable.

Everything he is and everything you aren’t.

He rounded a corner perfectly and kept shifting gears until he was tearing down the now not-so-quiet street at 70 mph, tapping on the clutch as if he was trying to match the beat of a song. At this speed, he was going to beat his previous record out of spite.

Outside of the constant roar of the engine, things were dead silent inside the car. Minho was too busy concentrating on the road to speak, and you were analyzing his every move, not that there was much to analyze. He never made any mistakes.

Which is why when he zoomed by the starting streetlights with a record time of fifty-four seconds, you were anything but surprised.

“What’s my time?” He huffed, relaxing into the seat as his chest heaved.

“Fifty-four seconds.”

A pleased grin made its way onto his face before replacing itself with a smug smirk, Minho tilting his head as he turned the car off.

“I’m the best you’ve ever seen, admit it.”

“No thanks,” you replied, unlocking the door and stepping out of the car. “I’ve looked in a mirror before.”

Your heels clicked around the front of the car as Minho got out, shaking his head while he held the door open. Stopping in front of the open door, you nodded your head to tell him to get to the other side of the car so you two could get this over with, but he just looked down at the seat and back at you, waiting for you to step in. You reluctantly sat down and he closed the door behind you before walking across the front.

So he is a gentleman, you thought to yourself while pulling the Velcro on your gloves.

And a handsome one at that, was a thought that you quickly shooed away, not liking how your eyes admired the way the streetlights hit his face for a split second before he got back in the car.

You both buckled your seat belts and he cleared the timer on your phone, opening a fresh stopwatch log and waiting for you to look at him.

But you didn’t, you only tapped impatiently on the steering wheel with a manicured nail.

After a few seconds of tense silence you spoke up.

“What are you waiting for?” You gave him an annoyed side eye.

“Aren’t you going to tell me when to go?”

“Okay, go.”

“What-”

“Go!”

You switched the car out of park and straight into first gear, making him shriek and start the timer while you snickered. The car barreled down the street, picking up fallen leaves and rattling trash cans with the engine alone.

You reached over to your left side and pressed a button, lowering all of the windows in the car at once, and Minho looked at you in disbelief.

“Do you not care about the drag you’re gonna get from that?” He yelled over the roaring wind.

“Not one bit.” You grinned, fixing the rear view mirror with your right hand.

It was at this point that Minho realized that he had never been in a car while you were behind the wheel, and his hand instinctively held on to an interior handle while you upshifted again. His heartbeat started to pick up as he noticed that you didn’t downshift, in fact whereas he usually would be two gears lower by now, you upshifted again and he held the handle tighter.

“Y/n,” he began calmly, looking at the speedometer, “do you see that turn up ahead?”

“Uh huh,” you yelled, holding the steering wheel with both hands now.

“Are you not going to slow down?!” He suddenly yelled, frightened at the calmness in your voice.

“Why would I do that-”

“To keep us ALIVE?!” He screamed, grabbing onto the middle console. “Because that’s how you handle turns?!”

You quickly looked behind you before pushing yourself far back into the seat, pressing your heeled foot a little bit further onto the acceleration pedal.

“This is how you handle a turn.”

Everything seemed to move in slow motion as you spun the wheel to the left just before you hit the corner, and you and Minho were suddenly pressed into the right sides of your seats, the centrifugal forces taking over the black vehicle. The wind whistled through Minho’s window as the sound of tires skidding along the pavement filled the street, and just as he got a grasp as to what was happening, you spun the wheel the other way, realigning the car with the road ahead before you slammed on the acceleration.

And that’s when it hit him.

You were a drift racer.

And you didn’t slow down at all that entire turn.

You screamed in delight, almost as loud as the engine did as you tore up the street, the car swerving left and right as you drifted around nearly every corner, barely pausing to downshift or brake at all. You kept your mischievous eyes on the road, both hands on the wheel, and your foot on the acceleration the whole time.

Minho, in a panic, glanced at the stop watch after you shredded your way through a hairpin turn.

Thirty-eight seconds.

Oh my god, she’s going to beat me.

The final turn of the course approached quickly, thanks to your apparent resentment to using the brakes, and Minho started to grip the center console again, but instead of drifting around it like you usually did, you held onto the gear shift, pulling it towards you in succession just like he did when he drove. You shot him a wink before you rounded the corner, and his heart raced, but no longer out of fear.

The starting streetlight shot by you and you didn’t even bother to slow down, glancing at the stop watch to see that it read forty-seven seconds before taking the route that led to the highway.

“Where are we going?” He yelled, frantically putting his window back up, and you followed suit.

“Back to the club, silly,” you responded, before upshifting one last time.

‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧ ♫- Break From Toronto ‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧

You pulled the life out of the car with a twist of the keys, killing the engine before turning it over in your hands. The once shiny Toyota symbol was now faded to a dull gray, and many of the markings for the lock buttons were missing.

“Why...why didn’t you drift on the last turn?” Minho finally spoke up, looking at you while his chin rested in his palm. “You would have gotten a faster time-”

“I don’t care about records Minho,” you stated, undoing the Velcro on your gloves. “I already knew I was going to beat you, that was just to show off.”

You swiftly unbuckled your seatbelt and got out of the car, stepping into the parking lot which was mostly empty by now, and he slowly did the same. He was still mostly in shock, lacking comebacks and sass just because he couldn’t process that he had lost. 

Walking across the front of the car, Minho approached you with a hand outstretched, wanting to keep good sportsmanship despite his colossal defeat. You gladly accepted it, closing your hand around the keys you were twirling and offering it to firmly shake hands with him.

“They’ll have a good leader,” he said, nodding his head slightly.

“I don’t doubt that for a second,” you replied, before taking his hand and pressing it to his chest.

The keys to Changbin’s car fell into his hands as he looked between you and them, confused.

“But...you won,” he whispered, turning the key over in his hands.

“Damn right I did,” you chuckled, “but I don’t really want to be the leader, and besides, his car doesn’t have a Bluetooth radio, and I don’t feel like switching it out.”

He furrowed his eyebrows in shock, trying to come up with a response.

“So what do I tell them then?”

“Whatever you want Lee, I don’t care,” you said, stepping closer to him. His breath caught in his throat as you paused, looked him up and down, then straight into his eyes.

“You can tell them I lost, but we both know who the fastest racer in this city really is.”

And with that, you spun on your heels, walking towards your car as Minho stood there, dumbfounded.

“You’re going home?”

“Yeah,” you called back to him, “I’ve had enough excitement for one night.” Your heels clicked away at the pavement and Minho couldn’t help but watch, trying to make sense of the strange whirlwind of emotions in his stomach.

“Oh and uh...a word of advice,” you laughed, turning back to look at him, “you’d be a lot more enjoyable without that pole up your ass.”

‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧ ♫- Early ‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧

“Sheesh,” Hyunjin swooned, trailing his fingers over the black exterior of the vehicle, assessing its every curve. “This car is sexy.”

Minho sat on a bench on the curb, trying to let the bass from inside the club soothe his mind as he held his head in between his hands. 

“Ugh and it even matches my hair- if I had this car, I’d never bleach my hair again,” he sighed dreamily, adjusting a rear view mirror so he could look at himself. “Imagine showing up to parties in this baby, and-”

Hyunjin paused, narrowing his eyes at his best friend on the bench, who had barely said a word since he walked into the club and declared himself as the new leader. 

“-and why do I get the feeling that I’m more excited about this car than you?” He said, trading his grin out for a concerned pout as he joined Minho on the bench.

“Because...I don’t deserve it,” Minho said slowly, staring at the license plate.

“Are you kidding?” Hyunjin scoffed, looking at the other in disbelief. “You’re the best racer that I know! Of course you deserve it, you wo-”

“She won.”

Hyunjin tilted his head, letting a small nervous chuckle escape his lips.

“What?”

“Seven seconds Hyunjin,” he began, standing up and rubbing his face with his hands. “That’s how much she beat me by.”

Hyunjin’s face went pale.

“That’s...that’s impossible,” the taller boy whispered to himself, and Minho laughed bitterly at that statement, reminding him of what he had thought earlier that night.

“Not for a drift racer, apparently!”

Minho turned around, facing the other who had shock written all over his face.

“Have you seen that woman drive?!” He practically yelled, and Hyunjin stopped to think.

“Come to think of it, no,” he realized, looking up at his friend. “She’s always helping Yeji learn the ropes when we go on our group drives, so they carpool-”

“Well you should watch her drive,” he continued, more hysterical laughter spilling from Minho’s lips, “she’s reckless, and she doesn’t slow down, and she drifts around every corner, and she drives with the goddamn windows down, and in the last hour she’s made me question everything I ever knew about street racing!” He paused to take a deep breath.

“I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

“She’s that good?”

“God, she’s incredible,” he confessed, leaning against the side of the car. “And she could have lowered her time too; at the last corner of the race she downshifted almost perfectly, and didn’t drift because ‘that was just to show off.’”

Hyunjin started laughing, for it wasn’t often that he got to see Minho all riled up about something...or someone.

“Never,” Minho spat, “never in my eight years of driving have I ever met anyone with the audacity to-”

“Minho! Minho Minho Minho,” Hyunjin chuckled, getting up off the bench to stand in front of a wide-eyed Minho, placing his hands on his shoulders. 

“Hey,” he gave him a knowing smile, “it’s okay to have a crush-”

“Yah! Does everyone have to be drunk these days?” He yelled, pushing the younger one off of him as he opened the car door to get in. Hyunjin collapsed to the ground, lost in a fit of giggles among the asphalt.

“Call me when you want to talk about your feelings,” he swooned, erupting into laughter again before Minho slammed the door, shaking his head.

‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧ ♫- Get It, If You Let Me ‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧

The highway seemed awfully quiet as Minho zoomed along the shoulder, watching the street lights flicker through the car like a broken headlight as he let his mind wander. This night had taken more turns than the Le Mans race track, and he was way overdue for some sleep.

He sighed, looking through the windshield, and as he shifted his vision he noticed something amiss on one of the vents.

You had left your phone.

You must have forgotten to put it back in your bag, and Minho cursed at himself for forgetting to take it out and give it to you.

Then again, he was apparently desperately needing driving lessons, specifically the ones where you learn to drift.

Minho slowed down, coming to a stop at a red light as he pondered his decision. He knew where your house was, and knowing you, you’d still be awake, thanks to the countless times he had muted your endless chatting with Yeji in the group chat. 

He was definitely too arrogant earlier. Would you even be willing to accept an apology or give him a second chance?

The light in the left lane flickered to green, letting an absolute lack of drivers make left turns and U-turns back into town, and Minho’s grip on the steering wheel tightened once again.

To hell with this.

He slammed on the acceleration, crossing the three empty lanes between the shoulder and the left turn lane before making a U-Turn, and nothing had felt more right than when he grinned and shifted the car into second gear.

Only one thing left to do now I guess, he thought to himself.

Punch it.

‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧

“You should have seen the look on his face,” you practically squealed, kicking your legs up off the couch while trying not to spill your glass of wine. “The man was going to pee himself!”

“I know I nearly did the first time I rode with you,” Yeji chuckled, unscrewing the oil cap with a click. “H-Hey, I got it to come off!”

“Good!” You sat up on the couch, suddenly focused. “The oil is coming out black right?”

“Yeah...it’s kinda gross,” she drawled.

“Make sure you empty it all the way-”

Your train of thought was broken by the low rumble of a familiar engine on your street, slowly pulling into your driveway. You squinted your eyes in concentration, trying to identify who was at your house at this hour as Yeji confusedly called your name through the landline.

“Yeji? Are you going to be up for a while?” You said suddenly, holding the receiver up to your face again.

“Yeah...I have a couple more things to fix,” she said, and you heard the sound of a wrench clattering to the floor through the receiver. “Why?”

“I think Minho is at my house.”

“Ooooooooh-”

“Shut up, I’ll be right back,” you laughed, and then swiftly hung up, just in case this took longer than you expected.

You walked up to one of the windows near the driveway, lifting up one of the blinds to see if your suspicions were correct, and they were; Minho got out of his new car, shoving the keys into his pockets before closing the door behind him.

One glance into a mirror and you realized the absurdity of this situation.

You had quickly ridden yourself of the glittery makeup and cute outfit in favor of pajamas as soon as you got home, and here he was walking up to your door, still looking as sharp as he did earlier that night.

Good thing you didn’t care what he thought of you.

Mostly.

A hand through the hair would have to suffice for now.

He stepped up to your door, contemplating whether a knock or doorbell ring would be better, but you quickly erased both options, opening the door as soon as he stood on the welcome mat.

“I knew you’d be back but…” you looked him over and smiled, “...not this soon.”

He only responded with a light chuckle before pulling your phone out of his dark wash jeans.

“I wasn’t planning on being here like this but this was left in my car,” he said, holding it up to his face. “Figured you’d want it.”

You hummed, nodding in thanks and quirking an eyebrow.

“But…?”

“But what?” He laughed nervously.

“But no man in their right mind would drive to some chick’s house just to give her something that could have waited until the next morning,” you tilted your head in amusement and swirled the wine in your glass. “Unless you’ve come to apologize.”

“For?”

“Um, underestimating me?”

“Oh yeah, that,” more nervous laughter fell from his lips. “Sorry about that.”

“And the arrogance.”

“And the arrogance,” he mumbled, rolling his eyes.

“Cool. So now that that’s out of the way,” you whispered, putting your glass on a table inside near the door, closing the door behind you and leaning against it, “why are you really here?”

His eyes widened, clearly not prepared for you to have read him so easily.

“I…” his hands fumbled with the edges of his rolled up sleeves as he tried to get his thoughts together. After a few seconds of silence he dropped the act, relinquishing his cool demeanor.

“Back there, when you were driving,” a slow look of astonishment spread across his face, “how did you do that?”

“Do what? Drift?”

“Yeah.”

“You want to be a drift racer?”

“Not necessarily,” he explained, “it's just...we should have flipped over- I don’t get how you did that.”

“All I did was let the weight of the vehicle drive the car instead of me,” you said, nodding towards the hunk of metal on your driveway. “If you’re driving fast enough, turning sharply will make the car drift; the back wheels will try to swing to the front and centrifugal force and whatnot.”

Minho visibly winced.

“To put it simply, it’s about controlling a lack of control.”

“How is that safe?” 

“It’s not,” you laughed, then turned serious. “Not that anything we do is safe.” He just blinked at you, trying to process what he was supposed to do with this information.

“Minho, on average, how much do you lower your record every time you attempt to beat it?”

“Uh,” he squinted his eyes. “I don’t know, like a half second maybe? Why?”

“You do the same thing every time don’t you?”

“Why does that sound like a bad thing coming from you?” He chuckled nervously, shifting on his feet.

“Well then it’s no wonder how I beat your record so easily,” you cackled, “you’ve basically optimized your route; to you, nobody can beat it, because nobody is going to try anything different.”

“Where are you going with this?” He tilted his head, assuming a defensive stance.

“You can’t get better unless you try something new.” You deadpanned, looking him straight in the eyes. “In other words, you can't beat me until you quit being so scared.”

“I’m not scared!” He retorted.

“You basically tried to become Mariah Carey when I drove!”

He opened his mouth to snap back, then for his own safety, decided not to.

“Look, I get it,” you said quietly, “losing control in a car while you spin in a metal box isn’t everyone’s idea of fun-”

“Not when you put it like that-”

“But,” you chuckled, and the sparkle in his eyes returned, “because I know how this is going to keep you up tonight-”

“I’ll sleep just fine, thank you,” he laughed, folding his arms.

“I’ll give you one tip, for free.”

He raised his eyebrows.

“Loosen up,” you said, giving him a light shove, and he stumbled backwards slightly. “Otherwise you’ll be stuck at fifty-four seconds.”

He just watched you turn to leave before you added, “I’ll be at the giant abandoned parking lot past downtown tomorrow night with Yeji, in case you want a lesson or something.” And with that you stepped behind your door, flashing him a smile before closing the door.

Minho stood there, blinking hard and trying to regulate the erratic beating of his heart before you opened the door again, giving him a strange look.

You pointed at him and raised an eyebrow, and he looked down to where your finger was pointed.

“Oh, right,” he chuckled, handing you your phone and you laughed, taking the device from him.

“Goodnight Minho,” you whispered before closing the door again, not giving him time to respond.

Your ability to make him speechless was getting out of hand.

Something tells me I’m supposed to get used to this…

“...goodnight.”

‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧

Punch It

a lixiesfreckles_ production

cast(in order of appearance)

Seo Changbin as the only one with a life

Hwang Hyunjin as the drama

Lee Minho as the obvious choice

Hwang Yeji as the best friend

in memory of my old self. you had no idea what you'd be capable of one day.

do not copy or repost. all rights reserved.

[wouldntyou-liketoknow]

My EgoPats Meeting the Canon EgoPats (Brought To You by Incorrect Quotes)

Yep, I finally decided that this post deserved to be expanded on. So, to absolutely no-one's surprise, I gave it the ol' college try with memes.

___

[Caliban has just returned from visiting Theory Manor. He’s now ranting to Murdock about WarfPat]

Caliban: Listen to what one of my STUPID doppelgängers did! Caliban: Apparently one of his “guests” ended up dying in his studio, and he offered the body to me. And since we’ve been in-between jobs lately, I was like, “Sure, why not?” Caliban: So, I cooked the best parts, then I went to town. . .and every two minutes, he added salt. Caliban: And it was weird. It almost tasted like sweet potato. Caliban: I asked, “Did this guy eat a lot of candy before he died? Or was he on drugs?” Caliban: And Warf said, “Noooo.” Caliban: Every two minutes, he added salt, salt, sALT, SALT! It was like he wanted to poison me! Caliban: And when I finished eating, he asked, “How did you like the human flesh wiTH SUGAR?” Caliban: . . .HE USED SUGAR INSTEAD OF SALT! Caliban: *starts shaking Murdock by the lapels of his overcoat* SUGAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!

___

[The EgoPats are using an Ouija board] The Detective: Tell us. . .is there an otherworldly creature in this house or on its grounds? LevianthanPat: *is right outside the nearest window, but has decided to use his powers to speak through the board before he actually starts talking* ¥ê§. MadPat: Great! Rent is due on the first of the month. WarfPat: Oh, and movie night is on Friday if you want to hang out. LeviathanPat: *genuinely caught off-guard* . . .Wåï†, WHĆ—?!

___

Mack: So, for that party I told the guys about. . .do you, uh. . . Patty/DancePat: Oh, are you not sure how to dress for it? Mack: *panicked* WHAT IS CLOTHES???

___

[Caliban and The Hermit’s first meeting is going pretty well.]

The Hermit: —and then I said, “I didn’t realize that I would be having some guests. . .for dinner!” Caliban: *laughs* Ah, that’s a classic! Mack: *watching from a distance and ranting to The Detective* —no nO NO, we are NOT dealing with TWO OF THEM!

___

WarfPat: Hey, new guy! Trick or ye— LeviathanPat: *conjures an Uno Reserve card* ñÖ

___

The Detective: If I have to clean one more bloodstain from this carpet, I’m going to murder someone. Caliban: Sounds a little counterproductive.

___

The Detective: I'm not doing too well. Penn/Pennsylvania: What's wrong? The Detective: I have this headache that comes and goes. [LeviathanPat manifests outside the nearest window] The Detective: And there it is again.

___

The Hermit: What is toothpaste if not bone soap? Caliban: . . .You are a complete and total treasure. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

___

Penn/Pennsylvania: We call that a traumatic experience. Penn/Pennsylvania: *turning to The Detective* Not a “bruh moment” Penn/Pennsylvania: *turning to The Hermit* Not “sadge” Pennsylvania: *turning to MadPat* And DEFINITELY not “oof lmao”

___

Mack: *scoffs* Clearly, you don’t own an air fryer. Clearly. Caliban: *chuckles dryly* I’m not gonna be talked down to by some arrogant, condescending, delusions-of-grandeur-prone SIDE-DISH. Caliban: If you want to insult me, go right ahead. But you have no idea how brutal that’s gonna get. You don’t even know my name! Caliban: *steps closer to Mack, almost getting in his face* I ' m t h e c o m b i n a t i o n o f y o u a n d a c r a z y i s l a n d h e r m i t f r o m a d i f f e r e n t t i m e l i n e .

___

The Detective: Define “dream”. LeviathanPat: Ðrêåm—†hê £ïr§† †hïñg þêðþlê åßåñÐðñ whêñ †hê¥ lêårñ hðw †hê wðrlÐ wðrk§. The Hermit: Oh, c’mon! That’s just too dark!

___

Ness: Do you support LGBTQIA+ rights? Patty/DancePat: . . .I’m literally a girlypop and exotic dancer?? WarfPat: He’s avoiding the question!

___

MadPat: Gatekeep, girlboss, and. . .what's the other one again? LeviathanPat: †hêrê ï§ñ'† åñð†hêr ðñê. ¥ðµ'rê ¢råz¥.

___

Caliban: He doesn’t deserve you! If he doesn’t treat you right by now, you’re gone! Ness: *taking a deep breath* I’m gone. Caliban: *nodding and grinning* Now gO CHOP HIS DICK OFF—

___

Penn/Pennsylvania: I can’t tell if you’re a genius or just incredibly arrogant. Mack: Well, on a good day, I’m both.

___

[The EgoPats are discussing a plan. Ozzie has taken his turn to speak, standing with a whiteboard at the head of the room] Ozzie: Anyone have any questions? Ness: Is this legal? Ozzie: . . .Anyone have any relevant questions?

___

The Detective: Are you seriously making human-bacon for breakfast?! Caliban: *looking away from the bacon-filled frying pan he��s using* Yeah. What’d you have for breakfast? The Detective: . . .Nothing. Caliban: *shrugs, returning his focus to the frying pan* I’m doing better than you, man.

___

Penn/Pennsylvania: What’s up with you? Mack: What do you mean? Penn/Pennsylvania: You’ve been nice and helpful and considerate all day. What’s your game?

___

[The Detective recently griped to Caliban about a recent case. Now Caliban is trying to convince The Detective to do something highly unconventional to make progress with said case.l]

Caliban: DO IT! The Detective: NOOOOO! GOD, PLEASE NO! Caliban: MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE! The Detective: NO! Caliban: JUST— The Detective: NO! Caliban: — D O I T ! The Detective: N O O O O O O O ! ! !

___

Patty/DancePat: I can't believe you've done this. . . Ness: I'm sorry, I didn't know—! Patty/DancePat: *on the verge of tears* YOU CAN'T JUST BUY ME A GIFT OUT OF NOWHERE WHEN I HAVE NOTHING PREPARED FOR YOU IN RETURN! NOW I FEEL LIKE A HUGE JERK!

___

The Hermit: Onion rings are vegetable donuts. Mack: Sure. . . The Hermit: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed. Mack: Okay? The Hermit: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake. Mack: . . . The Hermit: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio— Mack: Jesus, that one is a little— Caliban: *was just passing through but is now interested* No, no. Let him continue

___

[A plan involving paranormal investigation has gone terribly wrong, and The Detective is almost out of options]

The Detective: *begrudgingly holding a dark ritual* If you are here, speak to us! LeviathanPat: *slowly manifests outside the window. . .and starts singing “Don’t Stop Believin’.” With each lyric, his voice shifts in a very disturbing way* JÚ§† Ä Ç̆-Ä¥ ßÖ¥! The Detective: *grinds his jaw, having even more regrets than before* LeviathanPat: ßÖRñ ÄñÐ RÄ̧ÈÐ Ìñ §ÖÚ†H—!

___

WarfPat: What kinds of sounds annoy you? Ozzie: Are we talkin’ real sounds or imaginary ones? WarfPat: *now interested* Lets say imaginary. Ozzie: Spiders wearin’ flip flops.

___

[MadPat is trying to talk killer-to-killer with Caliban. So far, he’s only succeeded in annoying Caliban]

MadPat: Every time I go out there, I feel like I do my best and they don’t! Caliban: *has heard all about how sloppy Mad’s methods are, how much evidence Mad always seems to leave behind, as well as how Mad trapped himself in a fire only to get caught by the police* Let me ask you a very fair question—What do you do successfully? MadPat: . . . Caliban: *raising an eyebrow* QUICKLY. MadPat: *scowls and storms off*

___

The Detective: You need a hobby. LeviathanPat: Ì ålrêåÐ¥ håvê å hðßߥ! The Detective: Terrorizing people is nOT A HOBBY!

___

Ness: Ducks are better than rabbits. Penn/Pennsylvania: What? Rabbits are adorable. Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? Ducks are jerks. WarfPat: Duck is delicious! Rabbit is all gamey. Ness: We’re not talking about flavor, Warf! WarfPat: Flavor counts! The Detective: Who carries around a duck’s foot for good luck? Anyone? Mack: You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. I’ll wrap myself in a comforter stuffed with duck feathers. Who’s cozier? Penn/Pennsylvania: Okay, but— Mack: NO, NO, NO, NO. WHO’S COZIER? MadPat: Why don’t we just take a rabbit and a duck, stick ‘em in a cardboard box and let them fight it out? Penn/Pennsylvania: BECAUSE THAT’S ILLEGAL! MadPat: ONLY IF WE BET ON IT! Caliban: *sitting in the adjacent room, listening in on the debate. He’s not sure if Snare could get roped into it, because Snare is a hare and not a rabbit, but he’s still holding him protectively* . . .

___

Ness: *calling up the stairs from the kitchen* I made lightly-fried fish fillets for dinner! The Detective: . . .Ness, it’s one-fifteen AM. What the hell? Ness: Do you guys want the lightly-fried fish fillets or not? Ozzie: *pokes his head out of one of the guest rooms* Well, I mean, yeah. Ness: So come downstairs before they get cold. Penn/Pennsylvania: *comes out of another guest room* Wait, you just made them? Ness: Yeah, I wasn’t tired, so I decided to make lightly-fried fish fillets. LeviathanPat: *has been watching/listening to all of this through the kitchen window* §å¥ "lïgh†l¥-£rïêÐ £ï§h £ïllꆧ" ðñê mðrê †ïmê.

___

Patty/DancePat: When you’re shopping at Lush and another customer comes in and bites one of the soap options because they think it’s cheese. . .I talked to one of the employees about it, and apparently this sort of thing happens way more frequently than you’d think. Mack: Well, if Lush stopped literally presenting soap as deli food, then this wouldn't happen so frequently. Patty/DancePat: Who goes into a bath store and thinks something covered in glitter is cheese??? The Detective: . . .Who goes to the deli section of a store and just takes a bite out of the cheese?!

___

[MadPat keeps trying to antagonize Caliban, as if THAT will somehow change Caliban’s opinion of him]

MadPat: *pacing the floor in front of Caliban* And I’m not gonna conversate with you! I’m not gonna invest time in— Caliban: *organizing some Black Market stuff on his laptop, not paying Mad too much attention* I think it’s “converse.” MadPat: . . .Huh? Caliban: *rolling his eyes* Just say “talk.”

___

Penn/Pennsylvania: I haven't slept in seventy-three hours. Ozzie: Eighty. Democratically elected leader of insomnia over here. MadPat: Bitch, it's been ninety for me. I'm going for an even one hundred. Ness: . . .You guys can be terrifying sometimes.

___

The Detective: Oh, you’re back from that outing. What’d you think of that Patty guy? Ness: I can’t remember how we got on the topic of beaches, but he referred to sand as "heterosexual glitter." The Detective: . . . Ness: I don't know how someone so awesome can be so anxious all the time!

___

Mack: You’re making fun of me now, aren’t you? Ozzie: What? Oh, no-no-no, Mack. I’d never—*suddenly points past Mack* MACK LOOK IT’S CALIBAN! Mack: *turns around in a panic* WHERE?! [As it turns out, Caliban is, in fact, nowhere to be seen] Mack: *blinks, pretty much frozen in place* Ozzie: *falls to the floor, laughing hysterically*

___

The Hermit: Let's all agree that going up the stairs on all fours is actually the best experience on earth. Penn/Pennsylvania: Conversely, going down the stairs on all fours is actually the most terrifying experience on earth.

___

Patty/DancePat: Yeah, so, my latest shift at the club was a little rough. Heh. . . Ness: *concerned* Why are you looking up? Patty/DancePat: I need to CRY, but my foundation cost FORTY-EIGHT DOLLARS.

___

The Hermit: How do ethical philosophers feel about murder? Ness: Well. . .I mean, it’s frowned upon. Caliban: Yeah, but what if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? The Hermit: *nodding along* That’s okay, right?

___

LeviathanPat: ¥ðµ kñðw whå† Ì’vê rêålïzêÐ? The Detective: Some thoughts are better left unsaid? LeviathanPat: ñï¢ê †r¥, åñ¥w套

___

Ness: So they were just using me? Penn/Pennsylvania: I’m sorry, Ness. Mack: *trying to contain his amusement* You must feel pretty stupid right now. Ness: . . . Penn/Pennsylvania: Okay, that’s a time-out. Mack: No, I was just trying to— Caliban: *using his meat cleaver to gesture to the corner of the room* Go sit over there! Mack: *walks away in defeat*

___

Mack: *entering the room, unable to see what's going on just yet* I’m going to dunk on you— Patty/DancePat: *is wearing heels AND is currently practicing some new pole-dancing moves* You’d better bring a ladder, then.

___

The Detective: *exhausted from supernatural shenanigans* Please, God, just let me have one peaceful day?! LeviathanPat: Öh m¥ GðÐ, ¥ðµ ågåïñ? Gïvê ï† å r꧆, ßµÐÐ¥! The Detective: I WASN’T TALKING TO YOU!

___

Penn/Pennsylvania: A riddle for you, my friend! So it’s raining, right? And you pass a bus stop. There are three people there—your most trustworthy friend, a pregnant lady who needs to go to the hospital, and the person of your dreams. However, your smart car only fits two people. What do you do? Ness: Oh, I’ve heard this one before! You lend the car to your friend so they can take the pregnant lady to the hospital, and then you stay at the bus stop with your dream person! Penn/Pennsylvania: Oh, so close, but wrong. The correct answer is as follows—you go home and reEVALUATE YOUR DAMN LIFE! Penn/Pennsylvania: *grabs Ness by the collar and starts playfully shaking him* YOU! BOUGHT! A! SMART! CAR!

___

[Caliban leads Mack over to a closet]

Mack: *walks into the closet* Um. . .what’s in here? Caliban: Oh, it’s just—*turns the room’s light off and grabs the door handle* —YOUR DEMISE. Mack: AHHHHH—! Caliban: *slams the door and locks it*

___

@sammys-magical-au @insane4fandoms @b-is-in-the-closet

[palettepainter]

*slides over* I went to the incorrect quote generator again and made some quotes with the boys, inspired by @posies-and-bundles post.

Mick is mine, Gabe is @posies-and-bundles, Tibbs is @rottedbrainz

Mick and Tibbs: *making loud, shouty gorilla sounds at each other* Gabe: Gerald, exasperatedly: We have a guest.

/

/

Gerald: Tibbs spat in Mick's ear today when they were sitting on the couch together. Gabe: ...What?! Why?! Gerald, shrugging: You tell me.

/

/

*Everyone is playing a board game together* Mick: I will put 'A' down to make 'A'. Gerald: I will add onto your 'A' to make 'AT'. Tibbs: I will add onto your 'AT' to make 'RAT'. Gabe: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATAGRAPHIC'. Tibbs: *flips the board*

/

/

Gabe: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos. Gerald: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard. Tibbs: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos? Mick: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.

/

/

Gerald, setting down a card: Ace of spades. Tibbs, pulling out an Uno card: +4. Gabe, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you! Mick, trembling: What are we playing?!

/

/

Gabe: *Gasp* Gerald: wHAT?? Gabe: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish? Gerald: *inhales* Tibbs, in another room with Mick: Why can I hear screeching?

/

/

Gerald, pointing to the wall: What color is this? Mick: Gray. Tibbs: Grey. Gerald, turning to Gabe: Now tell them what color you think it is. Gabe: Dark white.

/

/

Mick: LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR THE LOWER CLASS! Gerald: And here we have a capitalist. Gabe: Did you just- Tibbs: Let us all take a moment to appreciate that all of human history, human language, and the universe itself aligned to make this joke possible.

/

/

Gabe: So, everyone, what does a story NEED? Mick: A character! Gerald: A setting! Tibbs, a gleam in their eyes, in a near-whisper: REVENGE.

/

/

Gerald, in a room with Gabe, Tibbs, and Mick: It’s calm in here. Gerald: It scares me…

/

/

Gerald, watching Mick and Tibbs fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt? Gabe, not bothered by the chaos: It’s fine. They’re too evenly matched to hurt each other. Gerald: Then... who’s the strongest out of you three? Mick: Gabe. Tibbs: Gabe. Gabe: Me.

/

/

Gabe, watching Tibbs & Mick panic : What's going on? Gerald: Tibbs is having a midlife crisis and Mick is just having a crisis.

/

/

Mick: I didn’t know that air fryers are a real thing. Used to think that they were made up by the internet as a funny joke and that their purpose was to “fry air”. Tibbs: WAIT, BUT IT FRIES THE AIR TO FRY THE FOOD?? Mick: I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS A KITCHEN APPLIANCE, MY FIRST ASSUMPTION WAS SOMETHING AKIN TO AN AIR CONDITIONER! Gabe: IT’S NOT LIKE AN AIR CONDITIONER???? Gerald: You guys clearly don’t own an air fryer.

/

/

Gerald: We call that a traumatic experience. Gerald, turning to Mick: Not a "bruh moment". Gerald, turning to Tibbs: Not "sadge". Gerald, turning to Gabe: And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO".

[wingedcatgirl]

incorrect quotes generator tag meme

so there's this incorrect quotes generator on perchance, and @worldsfromhoney tagged us to toss some of our ocs in it >:)

This was fun, so I'm tagging @kung-fu-cutbug @kitdriveyards @comicallycubicalcassie @pure-vanilla-lilies @kiraheartilly36 and uhhh anyone else who sees this and thinks "oh this looks fun" to also try this. if they wanna.

Oh and it's lengthy as h*ck cause my basic-bitch fandom trait is that I really fucking love incorrect quotes -

(programme note: there's a character in leaf story whose name doesn't get revealed for a rather silly amount of time. it's kinda an open secret on our discords but lol)

(redacted): *holds a gun out to Leaf* Leaf: I-I don't believe in guns. (redacted): Well, trust me, they're very real. Now take it.

Leaf: This bloodline ends with me. (redacted): That's the fanciest way I've ever heard someone say "I'm gay".

(redacted): I have lots of friends! Leaf: Name one. (redacted): Well, there’s- Leaf: Name one you haven’t gotten incredibly angry at. (redacted): Hey, that’s not fair, then there isn’t any!

(redacted): I’m doing what I can to jog your memory. Leaf: It’s jogging, I guess. Its tiddies are jiggling a little. (redacted): Nice.

Leaf: Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm? (redacted): If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.

(redacted): GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK! Leaf: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!

And now let's add some canon characters into the mix:

Colette: I didn’t know that air fryers are a real thing. Used to think that they were made up by the internet as a funny joke and that their purpose was to “fry air”. Leaf: WAIT, BUT IT FRIES THE AIR TO FRY THE FOOD?? Colette: I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS A KITCHEN APPLIANCE, MY FIRST ASSUMPTION WAS SOMETHING AKIN TO AN AIR CONDITIONER! Lloyd: IT’S NOT LIKE AN AIR CONDITIONER???? (redacted): You guys clearly don’t own an air fryer.

(redacted): How late were you up last night? Leaf & Colette, in tandem: Me? (redacted): No, not you two. You stay up late all the time. (redacted), to Lloyd: You.

Lloyd: What is love? Colette: An emotional minefield. (redacted): A neurochemical reaction. Leaf: Baby don't hurt me.

Leaf: ARE YOU- Zelos: Fucking. Leaf: KIDDING ME?! YOU- Zelos: Fucking. Leaf: IDIOT! (redacted): …What was that? Zelos: Raine banned Leaf from swearing, so I’m helping her out.

Leaf: I give up. I am so tired. Raine: Get the emergency supply! (redacted): carries Zelos and places him in front of Leaf Zelos: smiles Leaf: AND I AM BACK BABY, LET’S GOOO

Zelos: Subs are so fun to play with. All you have to do is hint at what you might do, back them into a corner with a look, or grab their wrist in a certain way and they're a wide-eyed mess. Raine: What the fuck kind of Subway are you going to? Leaf: Substitute teachers deal with so much shit. (redacted): Guys.

leaf is absolutely just committing to the bit on that one

Zelos: Hi, could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire?? Raine: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔 Leaf: Why were you microwaving a lemon??? Raine: I read boiling lemons helps cover up up bad smells (I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges) but I didn't own any pots. (redacted): Did you burn an orange too? How??? Raine: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔

Raine: I’m the smartest person in my friend group. (redacted): You hang out with Leaf, Lloyd, Colette, and Zelos. (redacted): It’s not as high a compliment as you think.

Colette: So, did everyone learn their lesson? (redacted): No. Leaf: I did not. Zelos: I may have actually forgotten one. Lloyd: Also no. Colette: Oh good, neither did I. Raine: *Exhausted sigh*

Raine: A mouse! Lloyd, pulling out a knife: Go back to where you came from or I'll stab you. Zelos, pulling out a frying pan: It'll make a nice meal! Colette, giving the mouse cheese: You deserve a treat, little guy. (redacted), gasping: It's Ratatouille! Leaf: His name is Remi, dummy. Raine: …I was going to say to just trap it and throw it out the window… what is wrong with you people.

Lloyd: Wait, hold up, why you draw yourself like that? Leaf: Uh, like what? Lloyd: Like with gorgeous, muscular legs. Leaf: Uh, this is what I look like. Lloyd: Leaf: THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE! Lloyd: Okay, then I want big beefy arms. Hot ones. Colette: I wanna have a cowboy hat! Leaf: Okay, arms and hat. *draws them* Zelos: Ooh, give me a cowboy hat too! Leaf: You can't just take Colette's hat idea, Zelos! She thought it up all by herself like a good person! Come up with your own thing! Zelos: BUT I WANNA LOOK COOL! Raine: Put Zelos on one of those stupid baby tricycles. Zelos: NO!! Leaf: Tricycle, done. *draws it* (redacted), want anything? Raine, making finger guns: Pew pew. Leaf: A blaster?! No, that's not really our style, (redacted). (redacted), making finger guns: Pew pew. Leaf: You know what, okay. *draws it* But it's just for holding, not for shooting.

[talon-the-hawk]

Even MORE Incorrect D19 Quotes

Valeri : Whoa, Alexandru, what’s up with that angry face? Alexandru: Valentin won’t stop talking about how “Ancient Egyptians were furries”. Valentin: But they were! Just looks at all their gods- Alexandru: Oh my god, SHUT UP!

-------------------------------------

Alexandru: Do you guys ever have a civilized conversation that doesn't require insulting each other every time you get a chance? Valentin: No. Valeri : No. Alexandru: Didn't think so.

------------------------------------

(During DARKWOODS)

Tim: I’m a reverse necromancer! Larissa: Isn’t that just- Jamie: No. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. You are literally so fucking unfunny that it hurts. It physically hurts my body knowing that people still think murder is funny. I cant believe im saying this but do you guys know how chronically online you all are, thinking that saying “oOh iM a rEVeRsE nECrOmANcER i LOvE tO kiLL pEOpLe” is genuinely funny and will get everyone in the room shitting themselves from laughter?? cause its not. It’s fucking not. In fact, its the unfunniest fucking joke ever. Not just any joke about killing people. This one specifically. Its so unfunny and stupid. Nobody is fucking laughing at that, Tim. It makes you look like a greasy emo kid who has never been outside once in their life and uses tumblr religiously. Like not even the funny side of tumblr. the fucking unfunny side filled with overused jokes about murder and illegal acts. Honestly, youre so unfunny, Tim. Fuck you.

----------------------------------------

Jamie: Do you think different paints have different tastes? Larissa: They do. Kate: ...Why did you say that with such certainty?

--------------------------------------

Jamie: I reserve the right to judge a movie based on when it was made, thank you very much. Kate: You consider anything made before 2000 old and bad. Jamie: And I reserve that right! After all.... Jamie: I bet you wouldn’t like the average movie made in 1879! Kate: There were no movies made in 1879. Jamie: *slams table* WRONG! There was ONE movie made in 1879! The first movie! A zoopraxioscope of a horse galloping! Matt: Oooh! Let’s go ask Valentin if he saw it in theatres!

(Yes, he did in fact see it in theatres-)

-------------------------------------

Kate: I didn’t know that air fryers are a real thing. Used to think that they were made up by the internet as a funny joke and that their purpose was to “fry air”. Larissa: WAIT, BUT IT FRIES THE AIR TO FRY THE FOOD?? Kate: I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS A KITCHEN APPLIANCE, MY FIRST ASSUMPTION WAS SOMETHING AKIN TO AN AIR CONDITIONER! Matt: IT’S NOT LIKE AN AIR CONDITIONER???? Jamie: You guys clearly don’t own an air fryer.

-----------------------------------

Kate, spraying a melted cutting board with a tiny water gun: We gotta cool this bitch down. Cool it down. Jamie: I actually just put the cutting board in the oven... Larissa, visibly confused: Okay, so they decided to put the cutting board in the oven? Kate, spraying Jamie: You FUCKING DUMBASS! Jamie: Dude, I forgot- Kate: OH MY FUCKING GOD! We're trying to make Chicken Alfredo right now, and you fucking MELT the cutting board in the oven at 400 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT!? Valentin: *Watching in complete confusion while trying to process this whole situation.*

--------------------------------

Valentin: We might have gotten into a bar room brawl back in the city. Dracula: Well, that was entirely predictable. Valentin: One of them punched a gang member. Dracula: Valeri? Valentin: Alexandru, actually. Dracula: Oh, that was going to be my second guess.

----------------------------------

Kate: What’s the announcement, Matt? Matt: It’s a lecture. Jamie’s gonna tell us everything they know about sex. Larissa: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.

----------------------------------

Valeri: I still don’t have a New Year’s resolution. Alexandru: You could lose a few. Dracula: You could be less lazy. Valentin: Don’t be such a bitch. Valeri: Okay DAMN, SHIT.

---------------------------------

Jamie: THEY COME SEASONALLY! Jamie: THEY COME EVERY YEAR! Kate: What- Larissa, are they drunk again- Jamie: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHERE I GO! Jamie: WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Larissa: What does WHAT mean? Matt, who is the only one who knows what Valentin is talking about: I mean, when you found one in the bathroom- Kate: WHAT THE FUCK DID JAMIE FIND IN THE BATHROOM? Jamie: I’M TELLING YOU LIKE- LIKE IN THE SWIMMING POOL- Jamie: IN L.A. Jamie: EVERYWHERE I GO, THE DUCKS COME TO ME! Kate and Larissa : Oh, for fuCKS SAKE Jamie-

[imaginesforjohnnydepp]

new orleans, we have a problem

nick and sidney were out walking the dogs when both of their phones began to ring. cleo was straining against her leash for another tree as the one in front of her wasn't good enough and sidney used her other hand to answer her phone. "hey michelle, what's goin' on?" it was very rare for michelle, sidney's head of pr to be calling her; in fact the last time they actually spoke in a business capacity was to tell her not to answer any questions about her father in the aftermath of the trial. "have you checked instagram lately?" michelle sounded frantic (but when doesn't she sound frantic?).

"no, not really. why, did something happen?" on the other end of the line, sidney could hear the clicking of a mouse and typing. "only that your baby bump is all over social media. a girl got a picture of you yesterday. i'm emailing it to you now." sidney exited the phone app and saw an email from michelle and she tapped the notification. sure enough, it was a picture of sidney from the other night, her bump on full display.

the girl who posted the picture to her x account, zoey, already had hundreds of replies under the post. the baby bump couldn't even use the excuse of being her clothes being wrinkled or a bulky coat (the last of the cool weather is dying down in new orleans). "oh shit. nick! you have to see this!" she titled the phone to her husband who pulled out her own phone and she saw him pull up x, typing her name in the app's search bar. there were thousands of impressions.

half were congratulatory while the other half were condemning the girl for exposing the couple's private joy ("this is something nick and sidney should've been able to announce for themselves. zoey should be ashamed of herself."). and of course there were the weirdos who thought sidney was "ashamed" of being pregnant and wondered why she didn't want to show off her baby. "so what do you want to do now? should we announce it?" a part of sidney wanted to share this news with the world, that she's expecting a baby with her husband, the love of her life, but the other part wanted to protect this piece of her happiness.

"i don't really see the point of announcing it. i mean, the bump is out there. i don't know what much else is there is to say, but i was hoping we could've waited until gabriella was born to say anything at all." they circled the block for a second time, trying to come up with a solution, and in the end, they still decided to wait until gabriella was born and announce her birth instead. confirming the pregnancy at this time would be pointless because, duh, people can see sidney is clearly pregnant.

they made it back home, where they were preparing dinner and talking about how gabriella should be raised. nick removed the grilled chicken breasts from the air fryer as sidney chopped and wash the vegetables. "i feel like if we had to move back to california, it wouldn't be l.a. santa barbara maybe? probably when she's older," nick mused, grabbing a pack of burger buns. sidney loves santa barbara; it would be closer to lily and her friends, but not too close to los angeles where she'd have cameras shoved in her face 24/7. "santa barbara is perfect, it's so beautiful there."

a few minutes later, they sat down to dinner in the living room, where they turned on hulu, trying to figure out what to watch before settling on shrek on peacock. they split a bag of jalapeño chips on their plates as the movie started. "we can still just announce her birth and leave it at that." and then there's also the issue of going back to work. sidney is due in new york to begin filming her show which would give her a little over a month to recover and bond with the baby.

"maybe we should hire a nanny. my parents can't take care of a baby full time, and you only have a handful of weeks to take off from the tour." nick took a few sips of his water and nodded. "maybe my parents? they can come here for a month, and maybe they can watch gabriella in shifts?" as much as sidney loves her in laws, it was a lot to ask two people to pack up and basically move to another state for a handful of months to take care of a baby. "it wouldn't hurt to ask." the nanny idea would be put on the back burner for the time being.

over the course of the movie they wondered if gabriella would like shrek, if she would be more drawn to music or acting when she was older, how she would be raised, and nick asked her how parents managed. "the only thing my parents had to really worry about was perez hilton as far as the internet was concerned, and i wasn't allowed to have a myspace page, but i found around that one anyway, but i think this is a conversation you're gonna have to have with them. or you can talk to danielle and kevin."

sidney turned her attention back to the movie, putting chips on her plate. his two oldest nieces alena and valentina are being raised in new jersey by their musician father and a mother with no ties to the entertainment industry, in the age of social media where your every move is announced by an update account, while sidney was raised in louisiana with her actor father and journalist mother, way before social media was a thing. by the time sidney decided to take acting seriously, everyone had a myspace account and facebook was in infancy. there are definitely stark differences of course, but he could see where things were equal: sidney had a normal-ish life and alena and valentina's lives are normal as well.

that's what he wants for gabriella. for her to grow up without prying eyes. he'd have to ask johnny and simone for advice and his brother for some advice.

[megamangxtheadventure]

CHAPTER 26: SECRETS OF THE FUNKIN MASTERS

THE PAST INSIDE THE RUINS OF THE FRIDAY NIGHT FUNKIN BUILDING

Protoman duke nukem, Garfield, Jon mikey sykey and heero yuu where exploring the burned out ruins of the funkin building

"this is where the funkin masters used to harness there magical powers of funkin" said jon arbunkle

"what is funkin" asked heero

protoman explained it "the funkin masters used to the song of creaton to bring things into the reailty they had true power over song maggic to change world" protomon said

"but they got hurburis and lost control of the funkin power creating monsters and thats when the call of gorefield seductioned them with poiwer"

they walked into ruins witch was covered in dark blood and evil glows "this was beautlful place once but the funkin masters where tempered by evil they say sonic.exe once and wanted to create lots of new sonic.exes thinking they could ocntrol; them but they lost control and the sonic.exes destoryed the funkin masters" said mikey

garfield clanched his fisti "WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO MAKE MORE SONIC.EXES ONE WAS BAD ENOUGH!!?!?!?!?!"

"because the power of darkness was seduction garfield they wanted to create there own sonic.exes in hopes they could use the funk to controling them" jon replied.

suddanly there was fat man it was DOCTOR ERGGMAN BUT HE HAD A RED FACE AND HOLD INSTEAD OF A MOUTH "Doctor egfgman? no you are not him you are a .exe" said heero as he got into a kung foo defanse pose

"i am STRAVED AND I EAT PEOPLE" he said and a robot metal sonic with a high tech cooker in its chest unit was there "THIS IS MY NEW ULTMATE ROBOT AIR FRYER!

protoman fired his buster and attacked with sheild "its one of the abominations created by the huboobris of the funkin masters do not let guard down!!!"

garfield lunched a series of punchings at air fryer but it was too powercul as he punched him into a wall "i should eat cat i love that cat" straved drolled

"not on my watching" heero yuu said and pushed garfield out of the wall and helicopter kicked at air fryer but the robot broken heeros legs and throwed him into its chest closing the door to the air fryer as heero banged on the class "save me" he shed as the air fryer turned on

"air fryed boy is really good in fact air fryers are very health you know and reduce fat contant while keeping good taste" straved laughed

"DO NOT KILL FRIEND" said protoman shooting.

staraved laughed as heero boiled and died to death "YOU CLEARLY DON'T OWN AN AIR FRYER HAHAHA!"

but it was fake h eero used double magic to fake being in the air fryer "big mistake" he said and pressed the self destruct button blowing the air fryer metal sonic up at the cost of his own life

"NO AIR FRYER WAS LIKE A SON TO ME NOW YOU ARE THE MENU!" straved said as duke nukem shot him with double shotguns "THE ONLY MENU HERE IS A BULLET IN YOUR FACE!"

before straved could attack PICO SHOWED UP SINGING WINGS OF A BOY THAT KILLED ADOLSCENANCE FROM GUNDAM WING AS STRAVED AS COVERED IN ENERGY DRAGGING HIM INTO THE ABYSS "go b ack to hell .exe!" pico said.

mikey sykey was shocked "you are a funkin master but i thought the power of gorefield destoryed your forms"

ppico nodded "That is right hackblood master my comrades the funkin master drawed on the power of gorefield to create sonic.exe copies and we where corrupted and lost however i was able to send the horrors to gorefields own realm with the corrupted masters now i guard this place"

"What will happen" asked protoman "there are dark forces that will one day want to break the seal and free gorefield they must be stopped"

but then gunfire happan and pico was shot a lot and ELON MUSJK WAS THERE "i invented a gun that is also a phone haha" he said and was texting on his gun "i am so very clever and smart"

"WHY DID YOU KILL HIM WE TRUSTED YTOU!" said jon

Elon laughed "i do things my way and putin gived me a lot of money to take you losers out and i want power and people to like me so i will build a new world where i can do anything i want and nobody can stop me!"

duke nukem aimed his guns "I will stop you!"

"no you won't because the kremlin knows you are here and are sending mig fighters to bomb this temple so welcome to die" elon said and jumped on a ladder as a helicopter takened him away and the building explodes.

PRESENT DAY PRESENT TIME

Protoman waked up in doctor light house now upgraded with the new megaman gx turbo technology "you have been asleep a while but now you have been outfitted with the same power and upgades your borhter megamangx has so you can fight against the coming evil" doctor light said as protoman got up and feld his new form

"FROM NOW ON YOU WILL BE PROTOMAN X!!" doctor light said.

the wall exploded as a sonic.exe with a zip mouth and long noodle arms had came "I AM HUNTER A SONIC.EXE AND I WILL TURN YOUR ORGANS INTO PAIN" it sytreached and coilled everywhere and cryed blood"

rOLL hit with a broom "did the illuminati already break the gorefeild seals" roll asked as protoman used the proto x buster to blaster it "no it must be a free one they recovered but i wont letting it, liv for long much" and he fired machine fun lasters but they did not doing damage

"i am unkillable becuse of horror and pain hahahahahahahaha" said hunter

Twat walsh then comed in with a rockat gun "we already have sonic.exes helping us with horror and pain will we get rid of deganermates and make world white and pure free of the weak and worthlass haha" and he started blowing the lab up

protoman x kicked him so hard he wented head first into the tolet in the bathroom next door "always some weak minded hateful humans that think they can control darknass you never stop do you" protoman x was not impress

HUNTER then went to the bathroom as his mouth opened into the size of tunnel and consuming matt walsh and zipped the mouth back up as he fareted out the screaming soul of what was once mat wash "useless people get eated" hunter laughed..

then Cirno peppino spacgetti brick gustavo had come in as cirno thrwoed the case at protoman x "TAKE IT THE PRIMSATIC RAIN BLADE!" she said

the case creacked up as the rainbow gem katana was there glowing was aura of massive powerful "now i am complete" protoman x said as he used his LIMIT BREAKER LEVEL 1 RAINBOW SEVERNCE NEWTYPE JUSTICE and sliced hunter up as he exploded then slashed him 2000 times as the sparkles and power purified all the darkness and made him stoip existing forever "perish to not existing you abaomination" protoman x said and shilved the blade in the blade holder.

"this is powerful weapon tell the lunar doctor thank you" protoman X said.

but circno said something else "your brother megamangx is in gensokyo but something has happened not just nazi but now taliban has invaded with the help of william afton" cirno said.

"then we better go to stargate command" doctor light said.

GENSOKYO

shadow the hedgehog and oemga where at human villain spying on the talban leaders "FUN IS BANNED MUSIC IS BANNED EVERYTHING THAT IS NOT RELIOGON IS BANNED YOU WILL OBAY US!" said the leader as all the women in gensokyo where chained up

"look over there its andrew tates lost boys and the man behind the slaughter" shadow whispered as they saw william afton in a purple cape leading the talicban

remilia and Ran catached up "we need to do something about this we can't let these talban losers have there way with our world" ran said

shadow was thinking "if we could get them and the nazis to kill each other we could weaken them and megamangx could take down afton" and they made plans.

to be continued.

[howlofhades]

Irais, Barks, Bear and Laz incorrect quotes

Lazarus, to someone that angered him: *Holds two middle fingers*

Irais: Can’t say I’m surprised…

Barks: Yeah, flip em off, Lazarus !

Bear, confused: *Holds one middle finger*

Irais and Barks, both very distressed: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

-

Lazarus: I didn’t know that air fryers are a real thing. Used to think that they were made up by the holonet as a funny joke and that their purpose was to “fry air”.

Bear: WAIT, BUT IT FRIES THE AIR TO FRY THE FOOD??

Lazarus: I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS A KITCHEN APPLIANCE, MY FIRST ASSUMPTION WAS SOMETHING AKIN TO AN AIR CONDITIONER!

Irais: IT’S NOT LIKE AN AIR CONDITIONER????

Barks: You guys clearly don’t own an air fryer.

-

*The gang is learning CPR on a test dummy*

Barks: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?

Lazarus: No, Barks. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.

Barks: No, that’s not part of it—

Lazarus: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?

Bear: I would want to live with no legs.

Lazarus: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Bear. You don’t do anything.

Barks: Alright, well, lets get back to it. ‘Cause you’re losing him.

Lazarus: *pumps frantically*

Barks: Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute.

Lazarus: Okay, that’s uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?

Irais: How’s that gonna help you?

Lazarus: I will divide and then count to it.

Irais: Right.

Barks: Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of ‘Staying Alive’ by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?

Lazarus: Yes, yes I do. I love that song. *clears throat, begins to sing* First I was afraid, I was petrified.

-

Barks: How do Lazarus and Irais usually get out of these messes?

Bear: They don't. They just make a bigger mess that cancels the first one out.

-

Lazarus: We need a way to lure in new customers?

Barks: Maybe we could have some fun, interactive events!

Bear: Irais bath water.

Irais: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

-

*after the Squad's plan goes horribly wrong*

Irais: Now it seems we're back at square one-- finding Bear.

Lazarus: For the record, I already found them.

Barks: And you let them get away before we could have a meaningful conversation.

Lazarus: he stabbed me!

Irais: I'm surprised he waited this long, Lazarus. We've all had the urge.

-

Lazarus: I just watched Bear jump off of a spinning chair. Luckily, he wasn't hurt that badly. But the whole time, Irais was screaming for help, which caused Barks to run in to help Bear. Just note that all of this happened in the span of six minutes.

-

Irais, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it-

Lazarus, whispering: Should we call the exorcist?

Barks, also singing: The taste of his cherry chapstick.

Bear, appalled: Call the exorcist.

-

Lazarus: Is stabbing someone immoral?

Barks: Not if they consent to it.

Irais: Depends on who your stabbing.

Bear: YES??!!?

-

Bear: You're smiling. What happened?

Barks: What? Can't I smile just because I feel like it?

Lazarus: Irais tripped and fell down the stairs today.

-

Barks: You know guys, sometimes I feel like Bear doesn't take me seriously enough.

Lazarus: "Sometimes"?

Irais: "Enough"?

Barks:

Irais: Change that to 'at all' and we'll talk.

-

Lazarus, spraying a melted cutting board with a tiny water gun: We gotta cool this bitch down. Cool it down.

Irais: I actually just put the cutting board in the oven...

Bear, visibly confused: Okay, so he decided to put the cutting board in the oven?

Lazarus, spraying Irais: You FUCKING DUMBASS!

Irais: Dude, I forgot-

Lazarus: OH MY FUCKING GOD! We're trying to make Chicken Alfredo right now, and you fucking MELT the cutting board in the oven at 400 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT!?

Barks: *Watching in complete confusion while trying to process this whole situation.*

-

Lazarus, Irais and; Bear: *screaming*

Barks: *runs into the room* What's wrong, Bear?!

Lazarus: Wait, why are you asking Bear that when Irais and I are also here?

Barks: Because Bear wouldn't scream unless it's an emergency. You two scream whenever you have the chance.

-

Lazarus: *falls down the stairs*

Bear: Are you okay?

Barks: Stop falling down the stairs!

Irais: How’d the ground taste?

-

Irais: What's worse than a heartbreak?

Barks: Waking up in the morning and your datapad wasn't charging.

Lazarus: Waking up in the morning.

Bear: Waking up.

-

Lazarus: We call that a traumatic experience.

Lazarus, turning to Bear: Not a "bruh moment".

Lazarus, turning to Barks: Not "sadge".

Lazarus, turning to Irais: And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO".

-

Lazarus: I haven't slept in seventy-three hours.

Irais: Eighty. Democratically elected leader of insomnia.

Barks: Bitch, it's been ninety for me. I'm going for an even one hundred.

Bear: You guys are fucking terrifying.

[mickmundy]

Honestly it's so incredibly based of you to like Bushmed and Spy/Heavy. Which now means I must ask - give me all your Merasmus thoughts and all your Saxton Hale thoughts please and thank you

A:SDLFKADLFKASD:LKAS:DLFK THANK YOUUUUU yes we love a good Iconic-Duo-Switch-Up tbh!!! >:) AND SMDFSMDFM BUT OF COURSE.,.,, to be honest i LOVE merasmus she is SO good i love everything about her... i don't have many headcanons on him at this point just off of the top of my head SADLY but just really quick...

cannot cook. the absolute master of takeout. buys it in abundance and puts it into plastic containers under the guise of meal prepping (will say things like "clearly you don't own an air fryer!" <- but merasmus also does Not own an air fryer). if merasmus is invited to parties at the base he always claims he cooks but the mercs open the dish and let sniper sniff and it and sniper's like "nah that's not his lads... this game from........ a diner.... 'bout five miles away... towards the east.......... likely off the lunch menu.......... family establishment.... two cooks..,,,,,........ uses.. (another discerning sniff) fresh food....... but reheats it in a microwave...,., owner an' his wife's marriage is in shambles..." and he finally shrugs and leans back in his seat and is like "i'd eat it u_u" and the mercs nod sagely and frown at merasmus KSDFKSDKFK has lots of thoughts about film theory and television tropes. i think an ideal hangout time with merasmus would be both of you in your comfy clothes relaxing and binging some kind of show or movie series! would literally love nothing more than to pick apart media of Some Kind but the last time he tried that (at a university) people died (film bros). not her fault! incredibly epic sexy girlfailure like spy, but they're on opposite ends of the girlfailure spectrum. i need not elaborate further i'm sure you understand

i want to think about him more BUT i wanted to answer your ask so that's all i have for now... i will hopefully have more in the future once i finish doing my headcanon threads for the mercs..! i'll be sure to include her in there as well :-)!

mister hale (and enjoyers thereof) god forgive me but i do not think about him.... i think he's funny in the source material and him and mags are het t4t (Very Important) but other than that.... i have no notes.... i think he's best left untouched (by me anyway) and just presented as he is in the comics/animated shorts LOL. i feel this way about solly too... i'll leave him and saxton to the experts (their fans and the source material)! i guess i'll say that i think saxton is a capitalist and that he and sniper would Very Likely not get along... imo! LOL

admin is infinitely more interesting to me so if we're talking about the Big Bosses.. well... heh.....

[oogaboogaspookyman]

Mew: i can either bake these cookies in 400 degrees for ten minutes, or 4,000 degrees for one minute.

Mewtwo: mew no, that's not how you bake cookies.

Mew: FLOOR IT?

Mewtwo: MEW NO.

Mew: how about 4,000,000 DEGREES FOR ONE SECOND?!

Mewtwo: MEW YOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN!

Mew: I'M GOING TO HARNESS THE FUCKING SUN TO BAKE COOKIES!

Mewtwo: MEW PLEASE-

Adam: you are either mewtwo, or mew.

(loooooooootsa @pmseymourva )

✨Random Quotes From The Fam✨

.

Adam: ATTENTION SARCASM USERS! WE ARE FACED WITH A SERIOUS ISSUE.

Adam: THERE IS ONLY ONE SARCASM LEFT, WE HAVE TO USE IT WISELY.

Adam: PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK, IT'S GOTTA BE GOOD.

Mewtwo: yeah, okay, i'll be sure to do just that... Oh god what have i DONE-

.

You: whatcha planning for Valentine's Day~?

MEMORY: murder.

You: that's the spirit!

.

Mewtwo: help my wife is going on labour!

Guy he's calling: is it her first born?

Mewtwo: no this is her husband.

Mary: now's not the time for dad jokes!

Adam: he's ready.

.

Mew, not knowing what she's saying: OH MY GOD, i got it.

Mew: Game Of Thrones, is anime plots for non-anime watchers.

Mew: think about it...

.

(@the-hydroxian-artblog )

Mew: @ yeast.

Mewtwo: ... Yeast.

Mew: yeast :)

.

Mewtwo, looking at Aliza: i didn't order this box of cat!

Mary: HOW ARE YOU COMPLAIMING LOOK AT IT'S FACEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Adam: it's literally making the :3 face.

.

Dude 1: *he saw something behind them and proceeds to wheeze incomprehensibly*

Dude 1, pushing Dude 2: dhuhude... Dhdduhde 2!

Dude 2, making a bad throw in Skee: watch it!

The game he's playing: [LOOOSEEEEER!]

Dude 2: aw heck, now look at what you made me do!

Dude 2:

MEMORY: hello~

Dude 2: ... Hehebrhebebrhebebeheh *fearful wheezing*

(source: The Cuphead Show)

.

MEMORY: clearly you don't own an AIR FRYER! *Regal laughter*

Mewtwo: what does that even MEEEEEEEAAAANNNN-

(source: L Void, Deltarune Memes, look it up on Youtube)

.

Picture of a weird looking baby.

Adam: his name is Snart.

Uptight hoity toity piece of shit: how dare you say such a thing, that's a picture of baby jesus!

Adam: no, his name is Snart.

.

MEMORY: presenting: BASKETBALL 2!

Adam: what's the objective?

MEMORY: survive.

.

That one guy that had his head torn off and has the spine still attached in the ORIGIN comic: i am the snake in my boot!

Jason Lavender: JESUS CHRIST.

.

Mew: you kiss and care and for what?! Sex?! Love?!?! Pathetic!

Adam: to level my charisma stat.

Mew: ah, a gamer! You may pass.

Mewtwo, hugging Celeste: to show my girlfriend love and make her feel special!

Mew: you shall not pass.

(source: @pukicho )

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CL4RA: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.

.

Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like Mewtwo*

Mewtwo: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.

.

Adam: *Takes a sip of milk and gags*

Adam: Oh my god, is this expired?

Adam: *Takes another sip of milk*

.

Mewtwo: I’m the sexiest bitch in this therapy waiting room.

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Teen Aliza: I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say ‘wow’ that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are.

.

Mary, at Adam: My expectations were low but holy fuck.

.

Adam, at his ex gf, about to break up: Could you maybe just like… stab me… right in the gut. Just REALLY twist it in there. ‘Cause that honestly seems less painful than this conversation.

.

SketchTwo: Reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold, bye!

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Mary: Unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, I cannot just 'walk up and join a circle of people talking', but it does sound lovely, thank you.

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Mewtwo: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect.

[firebuug]

🖋 with Narae because when i think of him i think of "clearly you dont own an air fryer"

BWAHAHA yeah thats pretty much him

Narae used to be my #1 dude to send into fights bc he used to have the King of Hatred gauntlet but ever since I started hoarding ego weapons hes now just One Of The Many but he still holds a special place in my heart as the original weapons guy (and is desperately trying to Remain the only weapons guy. shoves it into everyones face "Hey im the Weapons Guy Come To Me To Fight Things I CAN DO IT MYSELF")

declares rivalries but its almost never returned except when it comes to Dumpster Fire, the only other Mimicry ego set user, mainly because DF thinks he's irritating as hell. Narae has a love hate relationship with Salamander, who rescued him from the Snow Queen's containment, and now treats him as a friend till the end while Narae wants to pick a fight with them. 99% of Narae's annoyance with Salamander comes from jealousy because they were chosen to be Disciplinary captain instead of him lol

I think he is the one who's stayed longest in Welfare so he might be welfare captain, but tbh in buggyverse i just see him as some dude who kills things lmao

He critiques people's fighting a lot and tries to strategically micromanage people on the battlefield which is usually why he's so proud of fighting things on his own--nobody else wants to fight alongside him lol. When he's not gloating in front of people he's actually just very average at things that aren't combat and just desperately wants 2 be told he's doing a good job by his friends and boss 0_0

[raidouversusthesoullessarmy]

I once saw a version of the "clearly you don't own an air fryer" meme with the Beryl Circlet item from Symphony of the Night covering the word "air fryer" so now whenever I pick up the Beryl Circlet I always think to myself "CLEARLY YOU DON'T OWN AN [Beryl Circlet]"

[flovey-dovey]

Just now figured out why I hate Crispy Ratt’s limp-wristed performance as Mario so much, and I have a special thanks to the Japanese dub for that! So even though Mamoru Miyano doesn’t sound “like” Mario, he was still entertaining and expressive with his voice. That kinda goes for basically every other dub of the film too, actually, and that’s where Crispy Boy falls miserably short I think. That, and I don’t want to see or realize I’m listening to Crispy Ratt when Mario Jump-Man Mario talks, I want to see Mario, which is, in essence, the entire point of being a VA. The dude’s cringy and generic as f*ck, basically.

Of course, everything is what everybody else has said already by now, but to really get into it because I haven’t given my piece yet, here’s the big salty beef steak: from the beginning, Charles Martinet was right there, still is, and has done a reading of a Mario comic fully in-character. Granted it was 8 years ago, but that’s to say nothing of his Vines/TikToks where he had fun voicing over some shenanigans of Mario and Luigi toys. He’s still perfectly capable, and it proves he can do a good Mario voice that isn’t “Mickey Mouse” levels of “annoying”. He has range, he is entertaining, and he is fitting, because he’s done it for literal decades, and anybody arguing with that clearly doesn’t own an air fryer.

Also, while watching the Japanese dubbed trailer, there’s the bit where Mario has a Cheep-cheep stuck to his face. Where Mamoru Miyano goes all-in, muffling his voice and actually sounding distressed, Crispy is literally just speaking as if there weren’t a giant fish sucking his face off. I legit thought that they took lines from another part of the movie for trailer purposes, but no, that’s just how he sounds there. He literally did not even try. Wa-funking-hoo.