#so here’s a thought dump

[ruporas]

happiness today and tomorrow (ID in alt)

[11thsense]

Going through my files of my more illustrative work and this is a bunch of studies, abandoned pieces, and Wips. Some of which I posted then deleted.

[theartbishop324]

I get the marriage to Irulan is a political thing and she might even be glad that Paul leaves her alone but I kinda feel bad for her. Irulan has be deprived of a lot of parental love and it even states clearly in the books that she's had to guard herself from her father's schemes and plots at times and avoid assassination from her own family members.

Now she expects to be Paul's wife in their political marriage and as such, the mother to his children only to be let down to understand that Chani is his true love and she'll be his exclusive partner. She might have even expected to finally find the love she's been deprived of all her life.

It just seems cruel to me that Irulan has been, in some ways, alone emotionally all her life and now is trapped in a marriage to a man who won't show her an ounce of love and perhaps hostile to her at times.

Now, since she's empress she'll have her own freedom and do whatever she wants within her power but I just feel bad for her for her loss of affection from the man she's bound to in marriage. I feel like Paul could at least be kind to her and idk, give her gifts and do something to make her a bit happy.

Who knows how Denis(the director of Dune) will write her in Dune: Messiah and I'm very curious to see how her story line goes along with Chani's change from the books as she isn't just another fanatical follower anymore but that's just what's been on my mind after three trips to the cinema.

[tiyoin]

Twisted anxiety reader in a singing contest show (MHAHAMHAHAH) It would be a reason why she was singing in the woods.

✨ imagine✨

MC is feeling useless and unhelpful and just wants to pull their weight in supporting the dorm and stuff. Just overall trying to be more useful to Yuu.

So she overhears smth about a anonymous singing contest and the winner will get $5000 which for mc, Yuu and Grimm that's a lot of money. And 2nd and 3rd also has cash prizes. I think she goes for 2nd place ,so she has the money of 1st without the popularity of 1st. So she puts her fears to the side (🤨no she doesn't) to help her friend and cat.

I see this contest being an online voting type thing. Also celebs 😉 do go on the show to help promote it, to judge them and what ever else they do.

In the show they give the contestants a "wish"/ charm that can help them with their performance (enter ✨shimmers✨ & instruments magic that was talked about). It what makes the show popular

Now we give MC song/writing abilities. She honestly has a diary of kind. She needs it.( Torture her bout it later😈)

Now I'm sure we wondering how does this come into play

THEY THINK THE SONGS ARE ABOUT THEM

They'll all find a way to connect the songs to themselves. If songs says an eye color or hair color the characters with said color goes crazy about it.

Enchanted by Taylor Swift is one that comes to mind as a song that everyone relates to.

Rook/ jade would send clips of MC singing on the show and "THIS IS THE VOICE I HEARD"

I have so many sub-plots for twisted singer reader.

Also I'm really glad to like hearing things like this. I was really nervous to send the asks.

More to come along at one point or another ☺️☺️

i immediately thought of “ivory skin and eyes of emerald green” from jolene and rook just going:

shout out to @/a-twistedheartslonging because i WILL NOT stop using this cute little rook meme they made fldkaldkakwkdkxkakdkfhx

OH MY GOD READER IS SO NERVY AND SCARED AND THINKING SOOO MUCH ABOUT THIS SINGING COMPETITION AHHHHH

they’re physically reacting to thinking about it. they’re nervous tics come out (that happens to me, whenever i’m suppppper nervous i start chanting and get anxiety induced tics) and yuu and grim are getting worried because nothing has happened, so why are you so anxious?

OH MY GOD HAHSHSHAH IMAGINE THE WHOLE CONTEST IS FILLED WITH INTROVERTS HAHDHAHAHAH they all get to suffer at our expense

MUWHAHAHAHSHZHHAH AHHHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAH😈😈😈

*clears throat* anyways 🙂

reader : *sings enchanted*

ALL of the guys she made eye contact with that week: …so you’re proposing?

OH MY GOD MAYBE ROOK AND JADE (for totally separate reasons) SEND IN A CLIP THEY TOOK OF Y/N SINGING AND SENDING IT TO THE SHOW BAHAHSHAHA

idk maybe there’s some super duper advanced magical technology (marvel’s equivalent of ‘quantum’) and y/n gets an invitation and they’re like????

I DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING YET

THE CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT IS SOOO REAL-

ROOK BRINGING VIL TO THE FOREST WHOSE GRUMBLING ABOUT HOW HE HAS HOMEWORK AND HOW THIS’LL THROW HIS SCHEDULE OFF-

“non non! roi du poison you must come with me avec hâte!” (with haste)

and they’re crouched behind a rock for a few minutes and vil is annoyed because rook is doing rook things again and he does not have time for this. especially not today because he has to find someone to endorse for the music show he volunteered to judge.

only problem: EVERYONE SUCKS OR HAS AN UGLY PERSONALITY!! vil is disgusted by the cockiness and the greediness of these… influencers who paid their way to be on the show.

it puts a horrible taste in his mouth, especially with how shameless they are to try and win his favor. he’s not some cheap executive they can bribe to put their foot through the door, especially with their lack luster… abilities.

vil almost called it talent, but you had to be good to have that.

just as he’s about to voice his complaints and leave, rook’s grip on his shoulder stopped him from moving and the finger to his lips stopped him from breathing. vil was visibly shocked because rook never put hands on him, especially like this.

there was a snap of a twig up ahead. rook’s forest green eyes flicked to the horizon a few times, head too, urging him to look.

and he’s more than pleasantly surprised to see… you- well as much of yourself that you would allow the watchful eyes of the trees see. your ceremonial robe covering your short stature.

rook looked at vil expectingly, but vil was still confused, so what if a student was in the woods? unless it was his own this was a problem rook should bring up to the other house wardens. and it wasn’t illegal, nor against the school rules so-

then, you started singing.

he couldn’t recognize the song. but he could recognize the passion. yes you were untrained and flat in a few sections but that didn’t matter. you were good, pitchy but good.

song after song, sometimes repeating a few as you danced and bowed your heart away.

he wasn’t sure how much time passed but it was a considerable amount since the sun that once well over the trees now peeked through the canopy and was gazing longingly at the moon.

cursing, you looked around, bent down to collect the things you brought with you, and scurried away towards another entrance towards the forest.

vil was quick to react, to follow but rook stopped him. looking down at his vice house warden with an incredulous look, rook only shook his head softly. there was a reason you were alone in the woods and not in the various music clubs.

this was your little secret.

vil who WAITS for your submission so he can back you but you never submit… hm,

with a snap of his manicured fingers, rook is on it! maybe rook knows who you are, maybe he doesn’t, vil could really care less since the whole show is based off of anonymity.

(vil side eyes the influencers and other contestants who practically spell it out for the audience who they are so they can vote for them)

maybe to… put you on the right track vil has rook go to your little forest spot and place a flyer there, practically ENCOURAGING YOU TO SIGN. UP.

you think someone would get a hint right?

“huh, that’s weird… maybe i should change locations since someone else was here”

that’s it. rook’s sending in your video and you’re getting a flyer stapled to the tree saying you’re accepted. yes yes this is because of your fairy god mother’s NOW SING

vil also giving y/n some song recommendations he thinks that are good, up until he sees you gently pull out a FUCKING LOADED BOOK from your backpack filled with songs.

yes darling those are great but lol at all the nice songs he gave you! they’re in your range too!!

vil slowly finding out who you are because he heard you hum a song in the hallways that only the mysterious ‘forest nymph’ (what a ludicrous myth the students came up with) sang.

and yes he’s shocked that the ramshackle neet (ouch vil 😿) has golden pipes.

THE CHAT ROOM IS NOW INVITE ONLY TO THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE HEARD THE ELUSIVE FOREST NYMPHS SONG!!! (i’ll cook smthn better i promise)

VIL THINKING WHAT TO SEND THEM TO HELP THEM IN A CUT THORAT BATTLE ROUND AND ROOK OFF HANDEDLY COMMENTING ‘if only there were an orchestra here to play along with their beautiful singing’

ERUKIA!!

*cue golden instruments*

but in hindsight sight:

we’re gonna give her so much anxiety she’s not gonna know what to do😈 sorry pookie!! there’s no safe space at night raven college☺️🫶

[freakadr0id]

Oh my GOD, I just realized why Donnie acts so weird in Man vs. Sewer. I always thought his behavior was odd in that episode, particularly in his nonchalance towards finding and saving Raph - but I had the most random thought occur to me during work that TOTALLY explains it. I'm sure some people have probably pointed this stuff out already, but I wanted to put this out there anyway.

The episode 'Man-vs-Sewer' is a personal favorite of mine. I love the episodes where the boys are just goofing off, and this episode is that plus some. We see get to see the boys having fun for a bit at the start of the episode, but it also adds a bit more depth to some of the turtles. We see a really surprising side to Raph's character with his fear of being alone, and Leo gets to shine a bit as a leader and hint at his true potential.

However, I was always a bit puzzled by the way Donnie and Mikey were written in this episode. As a rule, Rise is pretty good about keeping its characters, well, in character, so their behavior struck me as kind of strange, particularly Donnie's.

If there is one thing Rise NAILS about Donnie's character is showing that despite struggling with emotions and empathy, he is still NOT AN ASSHOLE. Donnie genuinely and deeply loves his family - he just has a hard time expressing it externally.

'Man-vs-Sewer' kind of stood out to me as an exception to that, however. At this point, Donnie's care for his brothers is an undisputed fact, so why does he seem so unconcerned about finding Raph after being separated? Even for Donnie, this seems like an ooc level of indifference towards the well-being of his brother (at least that's how I saw it).

Except, it isn't. In fact, this episode only reinforces that Donnie does care for his family, it's just a *bit* harder to see here.

One thing many neurodivergent people struggle with is a sudden change in plans. When they expect to do something that day it can be very difficult for some neurodivergent people to deal with it emotionally and can lead to immense frustration or even shutdowns. Since Donnie is confirmed to be, at the very least, autistic coded, this would absolutely apply to him as well.

The turtles planned to have a nice, relaxing day floating along New York's sewers and enjoying a small break from all the stress of finding the Dark Armor. No fighting, no mystic metal, no foot clan. Just a calm day of fun without a care in the world - only for it to be ruined by a bad pass and a lost brother.

I know if my plans were ruined like that, I would be in an absolutely FOUL mood. It can be hard to transition into a different mindset when the expectations for the day change like that, and it can make anyone frustrated, but Donnie doesn't appear to be that way. In fact, he's acting extremely casual.

Even though everything he was going to do today was upended and his brother is now missing in the New York sewers, why does Donnie seem so unconcerned about the whole situation?

Answer: It's a coping mechanism.

It would be very easy for him to be a bit more annoyed and frustrated at the whole situation (I definitely would be), but he isn't. Instead, he avoids getting overwhelmed and emotional by continuing through the day as if nothing has really changed.

The whole time they are finding Raph, Donnie behaves as if they are still on a peaceful, carefree mini-vacation. He makes snide jokes and jabs toward Leo, enjoys the drinks he brought in his shell, and constantly reminds the others that it is his "day off." If he can act as though he's still relaxing, it becomes easier to adjust to unexpected alterations in his day. This isn't Donnie being willfully inconsiderate towards Raph being lost and alone, this is just him trying to manage with the sudden changes the best he can in that moment.

If Donnie really was an uncaring asshole (as some may be inclined to believe given his apparent lack of empathy), he simply would have resumed their original plans, or been more vocally resistant to going after Raph. Instead, he joins his brothers in their search, and although he may not provide the best input for finding Raph because of his coping method (his brain is in "day off" mode which is why he keeps missing clues about Raph), he is still making an effort.

In a way, the episode which I thought portrayed a slightly out-of-character version of Donnie actually provides yet another example of how Donnie really loves his brothers, despite how it may seem on the surface.

~-~-~

(Actually, depending on the way you interpret his character, the same can be said for Mikey in this episode as well. Mikey is always a bit of a goofball in the show but in this episode, it is dialed up to 11. He also doesn't seem to much care or effort into finding Raph and acts like a child who managed to snag one of their parents' energy drinks. If we consider that maybe he is also struggling to adapt to the changes of the day, this could be him adopting a similar coping method to Donnie, it is just amplified because of his hyperactive behavior and personality.)

[bruhstation]

can't it even be more obvious thomas. why are you surprised that a sudrian historical site filled to the brim with armor and weaponry that dates back to the middle ages has old people afflicted with the gold dust working around the castle

[isitdonproof]

Sonic Prime | 3x06

[even-disco-baby]

ESPIRIT DE CORPS  — The lieutenant is aware that you adore him. Painfully so. You aren’t exactly subtle about it.

Oh god. I’m not? Oh fuck.

Good! I wasn’t trying to be *subtle* about it.

Hey. No need to get personal.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS — Sorry, boss. His thoughts, not mine.

In any case, he is aware. Your adoration is plain for all to see, even for such an island of a man as the lieutenant is. Or once was, perhaps. And his own feelings toward you are… difficult to describe, but they are there. 

EMPATHY — Strong feelings. 

ESPIRIT DE CORPS — He doesn’t know if they can be called love, but it is a thought that has occurred to him. In a broad sense, they surely are love of *some* kind, at the very least. You are his friend. He cares for you. And…

HALF LIGHT — And he is afraid of you.

EMPATHY — And he is afraid *for* you.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS — And he is afraid for himself.

YOU — Afraid? Why?

INLAND EMPIRE — You know why. Do not fool yourself. You, with the scaffold of you all awry. There is no part of you that offers him sure footing.

ENDURANCE — Even your body… One way or another, he knows that he’ll probably be the one to find you dead, and it could come any day.

I hope it’s soon.

I wouldn’t want it to be anyone else.

No! I don’t want to do that to him…

Wait a second! Who said anything about dying?! I’m turning over a new leaf! I want to live!

PAIN THRESHOLD — Oh, Harry… You still don’t understand, do you? You’re already dying. You’re a miracle, really. You know you nearly had a fatal heart attack just from stubbing your toe in the dark this morning? It’s no longer a matter of if, but when.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY — Hey, you’ve always known that you were gonna be here for a good time, not a long time! The lieutenant ought to take a page out of your book, instead of being such a miserable, lonely old man.

RHETORIC — No offense, but I don’t think that the partying has made you any less miserable, lonely, or old. 

KIM KITSURAGI — Your partner takes another long drag of his cigarette, letting the smoke fill his lungs. He holds it there for a moment, then slowly breathes it out into the night.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS — He accepted a long time ago that this ritual may very well be the death of him, too. It’s a risk that he has made far more calculated by his rigid discipline. He would find it difficult to live without these small indulgences, but nearly impossible if he granted them too much power over himself.

And so it is with *you.* He can indulge himself with questions, imaginings. What it would be like to lower his spines and be a softer kind of animal. But he cannot give these feelings any more power over him than this, or it will be the death of him.

YOU — …Am I really so bad that I would kill him?

ESPIRIT DE CORPS — No. Worse than that, you would *change* him. You or anyone. To entertain the notion of true love as anything more than a pleasant, unattainable dream would be the death of the man that he has built himself into over the decades. He would become something so much smaller and more vulnerable. An animal with a soft belly exposed to the world.

YOU — Is that really anything to be afraid of?

HALF LIGHT — It is the only thing that there is to be afraid of.

INLAND EMPIRE — He is right to be afraid. The world is nothing but a series of patterns, so easily disrupted and changed and lost forever. There is no sense in any of it, no grand reason that makes any of it worth the terror and the pain. The world will swallow you both and then be swallowed whole. Après le monde, le gris. Après le gris… rien. There is nothing that either of you could offer the other to change this. In the face of it, your small bodies and your fleeting thoughts become so unbearably absurd. 

VOLITION — No. It is bearable. 

YOU — It is?

VOLITION — It is the only thing that there is to bear.

[cat-mentality]

Sad QSMP headcannons that have like half a toenail in canon.

The French version:

Baghera cries very silently, like someone who is used to having to keep quiet.

She also has a very high pain tolerance and she didn't understand why until recently.

When Pomme disappeared Baghera was terrified that the Federation had something to do with that, terrified that her little girl would be at the hands of the people who made her and hurt her so badly.

As much as she wants to hate the Federation for having hurt her, at the same time she can't and that makes everything so much worse.

Baghera doesn't have wings. But she does have two scars on her back where no feathers have ever grown.

Antoine was not prepared to actually get attached to any of the French, or even to Pomme. He knows he is in too deep, has too much to lose if he cuts ties with the Federation, and yet it twists something inside of him when he thinks about their possible reactions, especially Etoiles. For the first time in a very long existence he understands what friendship is, knows what it feels like instead of just watching others experience it, and is very aware that he will lose it all.

That is why Antoine was so pissed off at Osito for being careless with the picture, the earlier they discover about his true past, the earlier he will lose them.

If the Federation truly had Pomme he would have burned it all down himself just to bring her back.

The first time Cucurucho saw Antoine angry was after the torture session nearly killed Pierre for good. No one knows who was more shocked by his display, Cucurucho or Antoine himself.

Pierre continues to trouble sleeping and constant nightmares when he does, he can't remember the last time he managed to truly rest without waking up in a cold sweat or screaming, he is always on the verge of passing out and even when he does crash he still has nightmares.

He refuses to acknowledge it or even talk about it, hides his exhaustion with everything he has, pushes people away just to make sure they wouldn't realize there is something wrong, too afraid they will see a weakness to be exploited.

Pierre hates being alone as much as he craves it- He likes being by himself working on his machines and keeping his secrets close to his chest, but at the same time when he is alone is when the dark thoughts take over

He will, on occasion, not exactly seek to get himself hurt but not exactly avoid it either- If he can feel pain it means that there is something human in him doesn't it?

But Pierre hates dying and he will avoid and lash out when put into such a situation. He fears what will wake up, if it will still be him.

Sometimes Kameto look at the rest of the Islanders and he wonders what his own life could have been, what sort of bonds he could have forged with people, if the Federation didn't come for him first.

Etoiles does not know what his worth is if not as a warrior.

He is not smart like the others, he doesn't build pretty buildings or incredible machines, he doesn't know how to do anything but fight. And if he can't fight, if he can't protect the people he cares about, then why is he still around?

War is everything Etoiles really knows. By the time he reached his late teens and was released from the battlefield he had seen more combat than some people in their old age, everything he knew how to do was to fight, he had nowhere to go, knew no one, had nothing.

He was never able to settle down for too long or even to truly build himself a home, Etoiles knew so very little about the world that he just decided he would explore it. Some people in the army talked about things they missed, things they thought worth fighting for, and Etoiles wanted to understand that feeling of fighting for anything but his own survival.

To this day he still feel more comfortable fighting than he ever does doing anything else.

None of them ever had families.

The concept of family was something Antoine learned by watching other species and for a very long time it was not something he truly understood or could relate. It was only after the plane crash and Pomme that it hit him that maybe he can understand this thing now.

Baghera always thought she was just an orphan with amnesia. She had very little memories of her young years and none of them involved other people, just her and a room, so for a long time she believed she was alone in the world. Even now she struggles with that emptiness, especially now that she knows that the Federation may be the closest thing to family that she will ever have.

Etoiles had parents once. He knows he did, but he cannot remember their faces or even their voices most of the time. He was still just a small child when they came for him and sent him to war.

Pierre was always alone. He had parents but they could as well be ghosts haunting their home, he hardly could see glimpses of them from time to time, all he ever truly had were his machines.

[linktoo-doodles]

yellow doodles (and her as a magical girl)

[robyntherav3n]

sol

[2hoothoots]

i was having a chuckle to myself last night about Gristol, and how his plans are basically:

Restore Ford Cruller's memory

Find Maligula

???

Profit

but then... of course they are, right? this is Gristol we're talking about. Fatherland Follies drives home again and again that he's still operating on a child's logic, a warped and reductive version of the world that he never bothered to grow out of. both of his memory vaults center on the images of his childhood, this idealized version of the past that he clings to no matter what. and that's still how he remembers Maligula, too - as this saviour figure, who rushes in to help him when he's in trouble.

[ID: Two slides from Gristol's memory vault, Glory to Grulovia! Left: Gristol clings to Maligula's back as she summons waves to sweep away his assailants. Right: Gristol and Maligula waving from a balcony as the people cheer. Gzar Theodore brandishes a dagger in the background.]

like so much else, Maligula represents a return to this idyllic childhood - to the peace and simplicity of his youth, when he was free from worries and responsibilities. in his mind, he doesn't need to make any further plans - once Maligula's back, everything will go back to normal. Maligula will make everything better.

...is what i thought, but then i remembered this line:

[Screenshot source. ID: Gristol, in Truman's body, bows on his hands and knees in front of the newly-awaked Maligula. The caption reads: "Yes, High Priestess! I am here to correct the mistakes made by my father!"]

and that's kind of interesting, right?

to be clear: this happens directly after Maligula sees Helmut-in-Gristol's-body, and recognises him. her line before this is:

"Little Gzesaravich! Have you come to pay for your father's sins?"

my first thought was that Gristol hadn't expected to still be in Truman's body by the time he managed to find Maligula, and this was him trying to placate her and buy some time until he could explain the situation. but watching the cutscene back, that's clearly not what's happening here. Gristol is answering as himself, and his response of throwing himself to his knees before her is, as far as i can tell, genuine.

so what is going on here?

in Fatherland Follies, there's this line in the ride narration that stuck out to me:

"Why didn't the Gzar help Maligula in her time of need? No one knows, but historians agree - it is Gzar Theodore's biggest failure."

other lines mention Gzar Theodore's "mistake", and it's wording Gristol himself echoes in the screencap above. evidently, he believes that his father abandoned Maligula, leaving her to her fate at the hands of the Psychonauts, and it was that mistake that lead to them being driven out of the country - that mistake which he seeks to correct. maybe he even feels like he has a debt to repay to her for his family turning their backs on her all those years ago.

the 'High Priestess' thing, though - that's kinda weird, and threw me for a loop the first time i played the game. it took me until my second playthrough to connect the dots, and remember how the room in the Lady Luctopus - Gristol's room - was full of Delugionist scribblings and symbols.

[Screenshot source. ID: left, the walls of the hidden backroom in Gristol's hotel suite, covered in scrawlings of eyeballs and Maligula's name. Right, the pinboard from the hidden backroom. On its surface are photographs and newspaper clippings connected by pieces of string.]

i mean, look at this stuff! he had a whole conspiracy board and everything!

we learn very little about the Delugionists and their beliefs as a whole during the game, but i think drawing the connection here suggests two important things. one: that Gristol was in deep with this stuff. i don't know how he linked up with them - maybe via old family connections, or just good old-fashioned digging (we know he's skilled at worming his way into peoples' good graces, after all) - but it seems likely that he's begun to internalise their ideas, maybe even warping his own memories of events. and two: the Delugionists themselves are, if you'll pardon the pun, pretty far off the deep end.

like... i understand why PN2 didn't go heavy on the "mass-murderer cult worship" aspect of things, in the end, but man this is such a tantalising glimpse into the wider mythos around Maligula. Gristol is proud and haughty and thinks himself above everyone else; the fact that his first reaction seeing Maligula is to throw himself to the ground at her feet says so much about the way he's come to see her. he's not just trying to bring back Maligula, his childhood bodyguard. he's trying to bring back Maligula, the High Priestess of the deluge, the semi-mythical figure whose supporters believe even death couldn't stop. he doesn't even flinch at the way she confronts him, and maybe it's because he's bought in so completely to this deified figurehead, this idea of Maligula; more a living force of nature than a person. and it all comes back to the same place: an abdication of responsibility, not just to the person who protected him when he was little but to this avatar of floods and destruction. Maligula will make everything better.

i'd write more about my thoughts on the Delugionists but that'd be taking a hard turn into speculation, and this is already kind of long and rambling so i'd better end it here. but what an unexpected and evocative line, right? it's some of the only stuff we have to go off of regarding the Delugionists as a whole, but i think it does such a good job of hinting at the wider story - at teasing another layer to the mythos surrounding Maligula, one whose ripples we see throughout the game but which never quite breaches the surface.

[kyrri0]

post malachor really brings some unprecedented changes to kanan and hera's relationship it drives me insane

theres no more non verbal communication unless theyre next to each other. (fanon, but i choose to believe that) hera's lekku movements were also part of their conversations and now they can't be anymore. he cant read her from a distance. when kanan starts wearing that mask she cant see his face either and it cuts them both off from each other.

at the start of season 3 theyre almost strangers. hera is so unsure when she goes to talk to him, and in the end she cant get through to him the way she used to. kanan's whole demeanour has changed. neither of them feel like they know the other well anymore. hera is fully throwing herself, zeb and the kids into the rebellion w/running missions and leadership while kanan is on indefinite rebellion leave because he doesn't trust himself. like !!!! even their goals are diverging and it probably feels like an indescribable gulf between them im so ok about these two

[vorestarr]

thoughts on vampirism as a symbol of trauma

i've been thinking about this in relation to Astarion's story arc for a while and started writing this post a couple times, only to have it become much longer than expected, so for now this post is just going to be about the different paths of ascension vs spawn from the end of his personal quest. (i think there are multiple ways to read his story, and this is just the way i've been reading and thinking about it.)

the basic idea of this post is that Astarion's vampirism is a physical manifestation or symbol of his trauma, and therefore the two different ending paths for him are distinguished by how he addresses his vampirism (and therefore trauma).

it's pretty clear that the vampirism itself is a traumatic experience for Astarion, from how he describes almost dying, then actually dying, and then everything that comes afterwards at Cazador's hands. but i think of this a step further, in that the actual symptoms of vampirism are also part of this. there's an idea that there are physical manifestations of traumatic experiences held in the body, even if the trauma itself was psychological in nature (i.e., the body keeps the score). this is how i read vampirism for Astarion, specifically.

to start, he's turned into a vampire after a traumatic experience (almost being killed by a group of people one night). he's "saved" from this by Cazador turning him into a vampire, but still his body literally dies when he turns into a vampire, which is another separate traumatic event where he feels himself die and then has to climb out of his own grave. (also noted, i believe it's hinted that Cazador orchestrated the attack on Astarion that almost killed him in the first place, so Cazador is the cause of all of this trauma in one event that is Astarion becoming a vampire.)

his body is physically changed by the experience. he loses things because of it, maybe things that were not particularly important to him but now seem incredibly important once they're gone (like walking in the sun) or things that were previously important to him and now he can no longer enjoy (living indulgences and pleasures like food, or his own reflection). also critically, he cannot get those things back. his life is changed (literally ended) and there's no fixing it.

he learns coping strategies during the subsequent 200 years, which i will not get into in this post, but suffice to say that he learned things that he believed would protect him in the moment.

after the tadpole when he experiences freedom from Cazador's influence for the first time, there are some critical shifts that happen to start him on a path to address these things, or not. the recent interview where the devs mention that the ascended path is one of fear, i really agreed with and have said similar things in previous posts, because to me, i think the main difference between how Astarion acts in those paths is that for ascension, he relies on the methods he learned in those 200 years to survive in the moment, while in the spawn path, he learns new ways to cope.

to elaborate on that, i think the ascension path specifically is about avoidance.

in trauma, avoidance is what it sounds like: avoiding any triggers or negative emotions related to the traumatic experience. the avoidance can manifest in different ways, but a key idea is that by avoiding those negative feelings, they are never actually addressed.

i think there are two big ways this manifests in Astarion's story, related to vampirism:

ascended Astarion is avoiding those negative feelings of fear of Cazador (or someone else doing what Cazador did) by focusing on seizing power and control. if he's more powerful, in control of a situation, then nothing bad can happen to him again. the way this ties back to vampirism as a symbol of trauma is that this is literally described to us in the game as the natural course of life for vampires: they live in fear of other vampires, fear of their own spawn seizing their power, etc. this is the story of Vellioth and Cazador, and then later Cazador and Astarion (regardless of the choice he makes to ascend or not). we even get a list of vampires where ALL their life spans/eras of power are timed so that we can infer that each subsequent vampire has killed the previous vampire to dethrone them. so, vampirism itself is trauma and the known course of vampirism is this same cycle we see repeated with multiple vampires and histories in game. by taking a different path and not becoming a full vampire, spawn Astarion has started to learn a new way of dealing with his vampirism/trauma, rather than avoiding it.

the OTHER major way i see this manifest in the game is how ascension and spawn paths deal with the literal symptoms of vampirism: walking in the sun, Astarion's reflection, food versus drinking blood, the vampiric state of undeath, etc. these are all things that changed about Astarion when he became a vampire, and things that (in the normal course of events) cannot be changed back. he died, he's dead, there's no curing his vampirism. in other words, there's no going back to who he was before the traumatic experiences. that by itself is a neutral statement, the same way that there's no going back to who a person is before any major event (be it meeting someone important, choosing to take a certain job, etc etc), because we are all constantly changing and growing. HOWEVER, i think the places with Astarion where this stops being neutral is how he addresses that fact: with acceptance or avoidance.

to elaborate on the second point, which is my main reason for making this post:

on the spawn path, Astarion learns new ways to be and to live with his vampirism. in his epilogue, he can mention that he's not bothered by losing the sun again, he can describe finding a sense of belonging with others who share his vampirism, and he can define himself in new ways that he's picked for himself rather than stay in the definition of vampire that Cazador held.

in the ascension path, Astarion avoids all of those difficult realizations and choices. he falls back on the same strategies that helped him survive in the moment for those 200 years, but which can and do hurt him after escaping that environment. he's working hard to keep from addressing those negative feelings -- and on the surface, this works! he can walk in the sun without the tadpole! he has new vampire powers and he can do all the things he lost when he died! he can see his own reflection again! but, he's still a vampire, still has his fangs, still has his red eyes.

this is why i think the route is characterized by fear and why i found that interview with the devs interesting: by focusing on all those avoidance behaviors, Astarion ends up being stuck in a state of mind that's all about fear because it's all about avoiding that feeling. he feels great in the moment because he has been able to claim back some of what was taken from him, but this is not a solution because he's still a vampire.

personally, i do not read the ascension path as continuing a cycle of abuse, but as the continuation of avoiding the painful process of healing from trauma.

ascended Astarion is elated after killing Cazador because he feels the power flowing through him and it makes him feel safe in the moment, and because he is avoiding addressing any lingering feelings of pain or negativity, including avoiding addressing that he just killed 7000 people.

spawn Astarion meanwhile looks absolutely miserable immediately after killing Cazador when he cries and breaks down, and then he feels numb later because he's so overwhelmed. this i think resembles something that can happen in trauma therapy, where a person feels worse when they initially start addressing and working through their trauma, because it means actually feeling all of those negative emotions they've been avoiding.

in the end, ascended Astarion has not changed how he addresses his trauma or vampirism, and the ascension has actually given him more tools to continue avoidance. spawn Astarion meanwhile is exploring other ways of living with his vampirism, and can be experiencing success with that by the time the epilogue rolls around (even if there are some bumps and regressions along the way, like losing his ability to walk in the sun again).

because this is my main reading, i also don't think this makes ascended Astarion evil or irredeemable -- i think he shows that he does still have all the emotions that he's displayed through the game and therefore he still has the potential to follow the same path that spawn Astarion did in healing. but, the critical thing with the ascension path is that he does not have the clear motivation or triggering event to start him down that path. he's further away from that, and it will take more work to get there. everything he did after all comes back to the ways he learned to survive under Cazador, so those behaviors helped him at one point. the issue is that he's past the point of those things helping him, but he can't let them go.

tl;dr: i like looking at vampirism itself as a physical symbol of trauma and as a way to read Astarion's potential storylines, because it provides a context for me to view how the ascension and spawn paths treat his vampiric symptoms -- avoiding them in the ascension path by giving him an "out" of sorts to avoid addressing how those symptoms impact his life because of the extra abilities granted to him by the ritual, versus being forced to grapple with them and figure out a way to life with them and even enjoy them on his own terms in the spawn ending.

if you read this whole post, thanks for sticking with me and feel free to share your thoughts too. :)

[emry-stars-art]

The end of May approaches, I am recovering from sickness and my shaky hands have produced this :D

Pretty much all of my aftg mermay this year worth seeing.

It’s a 29 page pdf that you can get for free/pay-what-you-want on my kofi, if you want to see all the brainstorming in one place and find things that I never posted! Lots of ideas in my little rat brain

Find it here!

[fenkko]

cant believe i reached 30 tags in prev post rambling about homestuck i didnt even know there was a limit