#so this would be an incredible opportunity as a means to work towards that goal

[chelseachilly]

falling for you

pairing: reader x ben chilwell summary: as a reporter for chelsea and england, you and ben have always been friendly - and sometimes a bit flirty - but you never imagined a fluke injury while filming a youtube video could lead to something more warnings: mentions of minor injury, mainly just fluff ☺️ word count: 6.4k

author's note: hope you like this one! it was a lot of fun to write and definitely my longest one-shot yet hahah. fc is olivia buzalgo obviously lol

-

As a reporter for both the England national team and Chelsea, you’ve always tried your best to remain professional and not show favouritism towards any of the players.

For the most part, this hasn’t been an issue. While you do spend a lot of your time with incredibly fit guys around your age, they’ve never been anything other than colleagues or, at the most, friends.

Except for Ben Chilwell. 

He had been on your radar professionally for some time before you met, as he was an up and coming talent at Leicester and for England. You always thought he was good looking when you watched him play on television, but you didn’t really know much about him.

It wasn’t until he signed for Chelsea in the summer of 2020 that things changed.

You were tasked with conducting Ben’s first interview for the club, and the two of you hit it off immediately. You felt like you had known him your whole life within the hour you spent together in a small room at Cobham, chatting about his career and his goals at Chelsea. 

You also learned quickly that Ben wasn’t just attractive - there was something magnetic about him. You felt instantly at ease around him, yet he also made your heart rate triple with a quick smile as you passed in the hallway or a glance in your direction while he’s on the pitch.

While you would never dream of pursuing him, partly because it’s unprofessional and partly because there’s no way he feels the same way, the connection between you two hasn’t exactly gone unnoticed. 

Every time you post an Instagram story of you working with Ben or a video of you interviewing him is released, the comments and replies are flooded with fans speculating about whether you two are dating. You always feel a bit embarrassed, wondering if he’s seeing these responses too, but you continue to post the content for two reasons:

One, because your content with Ben always performs the best, meaning your bosses are always encouraging more of it;

And two, because you’re super into him and you’ll take any excuse to work with or spend time with him.

So, despite all the speculation, you continue to post pics with Ben whenever you’re working together, and the occasional borderline-flirty comments he leaves certainly don’t help matters. 

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liked by benchilwell, masonmount and others yourusername Always a pleasure with the best left-back in the league @benchilwell ☺️ view all comments benchilwell High praise from the best reporter in the game 😉 chelsfan1 ooh i think chilly has a crush on y/n benfan2 they are never beating the secretly dating allegations 🤨

The seemingly flirty comments he sometimes makes in person don’t help matters, either - certainly not for your growing crush on him. You find yourself both looking forward to and dreading every opportunity to film something with him, loving every minute of your time with him but wishing deep down that it could lead to something more. 

You’ve hung out a bit outside of work, too, sometimes grabbing something to eat after a shoot or partying together after Chelsea have won a big game. You’re friends, but that’s all you are. You’re painfully reminded of that every time you read about the latest gorgeous model he’s dating. 

That doesn’t stop your heart from skipping a beat when your boss emails you your next assignment, a video with Ben and Conor. They’re two of your closest friends on the team, so it should be a dream day of work for you to film a silly video with them for the club’s socials, but you’re more nervous than usual. 

Ben’s been a little bit flirtier than usual lately, bringing you coffee when you’re working at Cobham and sending you funny TikToks throughout the day. You’re not reading too much into it, but it’s definitely going to make it harder for you to ignore your feelings for him.

But you’ll at least have Conor and the camera crew there, so it won’t be that bad. You hope.

You arrive at Cobham bright and early that day, already dressed and having done your own makeup as per usual for a shoot like this. You meet up with the cameraman, Brian, who you frequently work with, to go over the plan.

“You nervous?” Brian asks when you walk into the office, a small smirk on his face. 

You can feel your face go pale and your eyes widen. “What? Wh-why would I be nervous?”

“Because of the shoot,” Brian says blankly, raising an eyebrow at you. “You know, how you were saying you’re awful at football…”

Ah, yes. The normal reason for you to be nervous. 

Truthfully, your mind has been so taken up with thoughts of seeing Ben that you haven’t worried too much about the video itself. The premise is that the boys will demonstrate some football skills and you’re supposed to try to replicate them. You’re hardly a footballer, so it’s really just meant to be lighthearted, funny content for fans who like your dynamic with the boys. 

“Oh, right,” you say with a small laugh. “I’m sure it won’t be too bad. How hard can it be?”

Brian just laughs, ignoring your slightly odd behaviour from before. “Yeah, you’ll be fine.”

A little while later, you make your way out to the training pitch where you’re meeting the guys, and you smile when you see Ben has shown up early and is kicking the ball around and scrolling on his phone. He stops and smiles when he sees you approaching.

“Y/N, hey!” he exclaims, pulling you into a quick hug. “You alright?”

“Hey, Ben,” you reply, in a bit of a trance as you pull back from the hug. “I’m good. How are you?”

“Great,” Ben grins. “You ready to learn a few things?” 

“Oh, yeah, it’s not every day that I get a free football lesson from the stars of Chelsea FC,” you tease. 

“Yeah, you basically won the lotto,” Ben chuckles.

You raise an eyebrow with a smirk. “You’re comparing a morning with you to winning the lottery?”

Before your banter can continue, you see Conor and the rest of the video crew approaching and you’re brought back to reality - in which Ben is your coworker, not your boyfriend, and you have a job to do. 

You quickly hug Conor hello and chat for a minute while the guys set up the filming equipment. You can tell they’re in high spirits from the recent winning streak they’ve been on, making the atmosphere around Cobham better all around. 

Once it’s time to get started, you get into position and begin your intro, explaining the premise of the video. 

You start off with some easier skills, watching Ben and Conor demonstrate before attempting them yourself. You’re definitely not a professional, but you played a bit as a kid, so you can handle a few kick ups and headers. 

As things start to get a bit more complicated, you’re definitely struggling more, but the boys are very sweet and encouraging. Honestly, you’re not too concerned with showcasing your abilities - it’s just a funny video, and it’s part of the job. You don’t think any of the fans are expecting you to be the next Leah Williamson or something, but you still try your best for the sake of the challenge. 

The final skill you have to do is a bit of a trickier one, a crossover. Ben shows you how to do it with ease, obviously, before encouraging you to give it a go. 

After a couple failed attempts that you hope the video editor cuts out, you finally manage one, and both Ben and Conor cheer for you like you just won the Champions League.

“You’re a pro, Y/N,” Ben grins. “Wanna go again?”

With a sudden boost of confidence, you nod, and Ben kicks the ball back to you. You kick it up a few times and meet Ben’s gaze with a small smile before jumping up and swinging your leg around the ball again. 

Only this time, instead of landing perfectly on your feet, you land directly on the side of your left ankle and fall over.

There’s a shooting pain up your leg, but that’s overshadowed by the immediate embarrassment you’re feeling. The moment you catch your breath and sit up, Ben is already at your side with his hand on your upper back, asking if you’re okay.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you insist, before you’ve even had time to assess if that’s true. “Just give me a sec and we can keep going, sorry guys.”

“Are you sure?” Brian asks, setting his camera down on the tripod after he stopped filming. “It looked like you twisted your ankle pretty bad.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” you say, though the pain has begun to settle in and it definitely doesn’t feel like nothing. “Ben, can you help me up?”

Ben looks hesitant, his eyes flitting from your ankle back up to your face, but he nods and grabs both your hands to help lift you to your feet. 

You’re determined to soldier on and finish the video with minimal humiliation, but the moment you put the slightest bit of weight on your left foot, you wince sharply and feel tears begin to brim in your eyes. 

Ben immediately catches you and carefully lowers you back to the ground, keeping a hand on your back.

“Y/N, you’re hurt,” Ben says, eyes full of concern. “It’s your ankle?”

You nod, afraid that if you speak, your voice will tremble from the pain.

“We should take her to one of the physios to get it looked at,” Conor suggests. 

“I’m sure they have more important things to deal with,” you mumble, feeling a bit more grounded by the way Ben is gently rubbing your back, giving you something other than the pain to focus on. 

“Not really, we don’t have training today so most of the boys aren’t even here,” Ben assures you. “I’ll take you there now.”

You’re about to ask how you’re going to get all the way up to the physio offices if you can’t even stand, but you don’t have to wonder for long before Ben is carefully slipping his arm under your knees.

You let out a small gasp as you’re swept off your feet, suddenly finding yourself in Ben’s arms. 

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” he asks quickly, misinterpreting your surprise for pain.

“No, I’m good,” you say quietly. Despite the shooting pain, this is partially true - how could you not be good when you’re currently being carried bridal style by the guy you’ve had a crush on for years. 

“Sorry, guys,” you say to Conor and the crew. “Maybe once they look at my ankle we can continue-“

“There’s no way you’re walking on that today, and we have enough content for the video,” Brian tells you. “Go get checked out and let us know how you’re feeling, alright?” 

“I will,” you smile. “Thanks.”

“Good to go?” Ben asks you, and you nod. 

You rest your head on his shoulder as he carries you with ease up to the physio department, feeling strangely comfortable in this position you never expected to be in. You love the feeling of being in his arms, how safe and protected you feel even in your vulnerable state. 

Once you arrive at the physio rooms, Ben sets you down gently on one of the beds and runs to grab someone. He returns moments later with Billy, who you’ve met a few times around the club. He’s a kind man who you know is particularly close with many of the players, including Ben.

“Hi there, Y/N, let’s take a look at that ankle,” he says gently. “Ben, mind grabbing some ice?”

“Of course.”

Ben goes over to the freezer and grabs a bag of ice while Billy carefully removes your shoe and sock, the action alone making tears form in your eyes once again. 

“Let’s ice it for a few minutes first,” Billy suggests after seeing the state of your rapidly swelling ankle. “I’ll go get you something for the pain.”

After he takes the ice pack from Ben and gently places it on your foot, relieving the throbbing a little bit, Billy leaves the room. Ben pulls up a chair next to you and lightly touches your arm. 

“You doing alright? That looks like a bad one,” Ben says, his voice impossibly even softer than before as he sees the pain you’re experiencing.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” You sigh, shaking your head. “I’m just so humiliated, to be honest. Leave it to me to injure myself on video, and in front of my coworkers and two professional footballers.” 

“You have nothing to be embarrassed about, love, that could’ve happened to anyone,” Ben insists, making your heart jump at the tender nickname. “It’s my fault, I encouraged you to go again. I’m so sorry you got hurt, I feel awful.”

“No, Ben, absolutely not,” you say quickly. “It was just a dumb accident. I think I got a bit too confident in my football abilities.”

“Well, you were doing great,” he smiles. “I think the fans will love the video. Just like everything else you do.”

You’re grateful that Billy walks back in right in that moment, both because of the pain meds he has for you and because it diverts Ben’s attention from your now flushed cheeks. 

As Billy begins your assessment, you turn back to Ben.

“You really don’t have to stay, I’m sure you have better things to do with the rest of your day.”

“Don’t be silly, Y/N, I’m not going anywhere,” Ben says definitively. 

You’re sure you’re blushing again, but it’s quickly overshadowed by your grimacing in pain as Billy gently rotates and palpates your foot. Ben’s presence calms you down massively as Billy runs some tests to determine the extent of your injury.

After it’s determined that it’s just a bad sprain, Billy puts you in a boot and gives you crutches to get around for the next few days. He says to go for an x-ray if it doesn’t improve in the next two weeks, but that you should be walking fine by then. 

Once you’re cleared to leave, Ben offers to grab your stuff from the media team offices as you rack your brain to think about how you’re going to get both yourself and your car home. 

He returns with your bag slung over his shoulder and another gentle, heartwarming, completely irresistible smile on his face. 

“You ready to go?”

“Yeah, I just need to call my parents and see when they’ll be able to make it,” you tell him. “It might be a while, but I’m fine to wait here. I’ve already taken up way too much of your time.”

Ben just furrows his eyebrows. “Don’t your parents live in North London?”

You just blink at him for a second, completely surprised that he remembers this detail you hardly remember sharing with him, before nodding.

“That could take hours with traffic, I’ll just take you,” he insists.

“That’s really nice, Ben, but I also have to get my car home somehow.”

“So I’ll drive you home in your car, then Uber back to get mine later,” he says nonchalantly. 

“Ben-“

“Please just let me do this, Y/N,” Ben pleads. “I swear it’s no trouble.“

After a moment of deliberation, you find yourself agreeing with him. It could take hours for your parents to get here, and you’re really looking forward to being home on your couch after the day you’ve had.

He helps you down to the car park, matching your slow pace and opening all the doors for you, and then helps you get into the passenger seat of your car. You feel mildly embarrassed that he has to drive your tiny little vehicle that probably cost only a fraction of his weekly pay, but he immediately tells you how nice it is and cracks a joke about how much cleaner it is than his own, putting you at ease. 

You play some music while he drives, chatting about some of the recent changes at the club as you give him directions to your flat. About halfway there, you notice how his phone that he placed in the drink holder between you is incessantly buzzing.

“Do you need to get that?” 

“No, it’s alright,” Ben shrugs. “Probably just the boys. I was supposed to go to my mate’s house after we wrapped up, but I’ll text them and explain. He won’t mind.”

You instantly feel terrible for keeping him from hanging out with his friends on a rare day off from training. 

“Ben, I-“

“Y/N, it’s really no big deal,” he says, looking over at you now that you’re stopped at a red light. “They’re not going to care that I bailed on playing FIFA to help my injured friend.“

You nod and smile at him, holding his gaze until the light turns green and the person behind you is honking at you to drive.

-

yourusername

liked by benchilwell, conorgallagher92 and others yourusername Before and after attempting to keep up with professional footballers…I’ll keep my day job lol 😅 view all comments benchilwell You'll be back on the pitch with us in no time 🥰 conorgallagher92 Hope you're feeling better!! You did great 😊 chelsfan3 aww poor y/n, what happened?? yourfriend Get well soon babe! x benfan4 Omg Y/N and Ben...need this video out asap (and hope she's ok!)

The next few days pass fairly uneventfully as you’re laid up on your couch icing your ankle and watching Netflix. 

Thankfully, you didn’t have any in-person work commitments this week, and you’re able to do some prep for next week’s interviews from the comfort of your own home. 

Although the injury is certainly a disruption to your routine, the most significant change is the sheer amount of attention you’ve been receiving from Ben ever since.

After he helped you get home and learned that your flatmate is on holiday for two weeks and you would be home all alone, he insisted on staying and making you something to eat. He only left once he was confident that you were comfortable and had everything you needed. 

Since then, he’s texted you way more than he ever has before, constantly checking in and asking if you need anything. As much as you would love for him to come over every day and watch movies or have dinner with you, you have a nagging feeling that he just feels guilty about your injury. You like him so much, even more so for how sweet and attentive he’s being, but you don’t want to take advantage of that kindness.

After the third day of being bored at home, though, you’re starting to go a little stir crazy, and it’s hard to resist when Ben texts you. 

True to his word, Ben shows up at 5:45 with Nando’s for both of you, having remembered your order from one time you went together after an interview he did for Sky. 

After teasing him during dinner for never having finished the films, you decide to watch the fourth Harry Potter movie, Ben helping you settle in on the couch with your leg up before sitting right next to you. 

As time passes, he gets progressively closer to you, until his arm is resting on the back of the sofa. He’s not quite touching you, but after he selects the next film, silently looking at you to see if you want him to stay, you feel a bit braver. After nodding with a smile, prompting Ben to hit play and settle back into the cushions, you shift slightly closer to him and lean into his body. 

“You’re warm,” you say, suddenly feeling the need to justify your closeness when you feel his muscles tense slightly.

When you feel him shift away from you, you’re completely humiliated for misreading the situation. What on earth were you thinking trying to cuddle with him? You don’t cuddle with your other friends.

But these thoughts are quickly shut down as Ben grabs the blanket from the opposite end of the couch and drapes it over both of you, then raises his arm to invite you to lean back into him with a smile on his face. 

You hesitate only a moment before curling back up to him, your head now resting on his shoulder and his arm wrapped around you. 

You’re so comfortable and at ease in this position, despite it being completely new and a bit terrifying, that you can feel yourself drifting off less than halfway through the movie. You swear you feel Ben press a kiss to your forehead, but you’re not sure if it’s real or you’re already dreaming.

When you wake up again, the credits are rolling and Ben is half-asleep with his head resting on top of yours. 

“Sorry I fell asleep,” you murmur with a small yawn, reluctantly extracting yourself from his embrace. 

“It’s okay, you needed the rest,” Ben says softly, his voice a bit gravelly from lack of use.

God, you want to kiss him so bad. 

“It’s late, do you have training in the morning?” you ask.

“Yeah, at nine,” Ben confirms. “So I suppose I should get going. Do you need anything before I do?”

“No, thank you, though,” you say. “For everything, Ben. You’ve been so amazing, I really cant thank you enough.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Ben says softly, taking your hand and giving it a squeeze. “You’ve always been so nice and supportive when I was injured, whether you’re interviewing me about it or we’re just chatting privately, and I don’t think I ever told you how much I appreciate that. How much I appreciate you.”

Your cheeks are growing hotter as you hold his gaze, his bright blue eyes staring into yours with a new kind of intensity you’ve never seen before. 

As much as you desperately want to lean in and press your lips to his, or even tell him how you feel, you’ve grown to treasure your connection with him too much to risk anything. You have to be sure. 

“You’re welcome, Ben,” you say. “I’m glad I could help. I’ve always hated seeing you go through that.”

Ben nods, squeezing your hand once more before letting go.

“I’ll text you tomorrow, keep taking it easy and feel free to call me if there’s anything you need. At all.”

“Thanks,” you say once again, rising and grabbing your crutches to walk him out and so you can lock the door behind him. “I’ll be okay. But I will probably have to miss the game on Sunday, not sure I’ll be up for the journey to Newcastle.” 

You hate missing Chelsea games, whether they’re home or away, but even if you secure a spot on the team jet and you have a comfy spot in one of the boxes, it would be a lot to navigate on crutches. 

“Of course, we’ll all miss seeing you, though,” Ben says. “Won’t feel right doing the interview with someone else after we win.”

“I love the confidence, but you speak with other interviewers all the time,” you tease him gently. 

“Yeah, and I always wish they were you,” he admits as he slides his shoes on. “Good night, love.”

He steps forward, cupping your face and pressing another kiss to your forehead - this one definitely not a dream - but pulls back much too quickly for your liking. 

“Good night, Ben,” you’re barely able to choke out, your heart rate nearly triple its usual pace.

The moment he’s gone, you crutch back over to the sofa and flop down, letting out a long exhale. 

Surely, he would’ve kissed you when he had the chance if he fancied you, right?

But, at the same time, no matter how nice of a person he is or how much he treasures your friendship, you doubt he would spend his whole evening cuddling with you if he didn’t want to. 

As you settle in and press play on yet another movie - the perks of not having work in the morning - you try to put all thoughts of Ben out of your mind. This proves difficult, considering the blanket you’re using still smells a bit like his cologne, and because you haven’t really stopped thinking about him since the day you met. 

-

The next week, after Chelsea defeat Newcastle 3-1 with a spectacular assist from Ben that you really wish you could’ve seen in person, you’re back at work. 

You’re doing an interview with Pochettino this afternoon to talk about the win and how the season is turning around, which is a great opportunity for you, career-wise.

You just wish that it hadn’t happened on a day when you’re still hobbling around in a boot and Brian is stuck in traffic, meaning you have to set up for the interview yourself. Thankfully, you’re no longer on crutches, but by the second trip down the stairs from the media office to the room where you’re doing the interview, your ankle is really starting to protest all the walking.

Just as you’re taking a break in the middle of the stairwell, propping the tripod you were carrying up against the wall and taking a seat, you hear the sound of footsteps approaching and mentally prepare yourself to explain what you’re doing just chilling on the stairs.

“Y/N!”

The sound of the familiar voice calling your name relaxes you a bit, your shoulders slumping as you see the same smile that has been imprinted in your brain for the past week. 

“Someone told me you were in today but I couldn’t find you in the media office,” he says, the smile on his face fading as he notes your slightly pained expression. “Are you alright, love?”

Since your injury, he’s called you “love” more times than you can ever recall him saying to anyone before, making your stomach fill with butterflies every time. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you insist. “Just…taking a break.”

Ben narrows his eyes, and you know you aren’t fooling him, as much as you don’t want any more pity or guilty looks from him. 

“In the stairwell? Wait - you aren’t carrying equipment yourself, are you? Y/N-“

“Brian’s stuck in traffic, and I’m interviewing Poch in an hour. I’m not going to waste his time because we were late to set up.”

“Y/N, there’s no way I’m letting you carry anything else down these stairs,” Ben says seriously, reaching out to carry the tripod under one arm and offering you a hand with the other. 

You take his hand and let him pull you to your feet, but you still can’t help but protest.

“Don’t you have training right now?”

“Nah, just finished,” he says, beginning to walk down the stairs and keeping a hand hovering behind your back as if he’s afraid you’ll topple over. “We have a break for lunch now before we hit the gym.”

“But-“

“I’ll have plenty of time to help you and eat,” Ben says, now countering your arguments for accepting help before you can even make them. 

Once you get down to the room of the interview, Ben insists you sit down and elevate your leg while he grabs the rest of the stuff. On his final trip, he comes back with your folder of notes in one hand and a bag with lunch and drinks for both of you in the other. 

You don’t know how he keeps continuing to surprise you with his sweet gestures, but somehow he’s one-upped himself yet again. You sit on the floor and eat the sandwiches he grabbed from the cafeteria together while he helps you review your talking points for the interview. 

He doesn’t get up to leave until Brian arrives to finish setting up, ensuring that someone will be there to prevent you from doing any more physical labour.

“Can I give you a ride home today?” Ben offers as he helps you up off the floor. “You still can’t drive with that on, right?”

You glance down at the cumbersome boot. Unfortunately, you did injure your driving foot, which means you had to get an Uber here today. You’re about to tell him you can get another one home, not wanting to inconvenience him any more, but you know that he’s just going to refuse.

“That would be great, Ben, thanks,” you smile, squeezing his hands before letting go. “I should be done here in about an hour and a half.”

“That’s perfect,” he grins. “Good luck with the interview, I know you’ll smash it.”

He jogs away to head to the gym, which you suspect he’s now late for, leaving you in a bit of a daze with a completely lovestruck expression on your face. 

“Someone’s got a crush,” Brian says a moment later with a smirk, snapping you out of your trance.

“I-I do not,” you insist quickly, your eyes wide.

“I was talking about Chilly,” he says, chuckling a bit at your frantic denial. “But now that you mention it, you have always gotten on particularly well with him. No wonder the fans are always commenting about the vibes between you.”

“Oh, shush,” you roll your eyes. “There are no…vibes. He’s just being nice because of my ankle.” 

“Right, I’m sure that’s the only reason,” Brian retorts sarcastically. 

You pull out your phone and see that the Instagram stories you posted earlier are garnering lots of attention, your replies full of fans commenting on how sweet Ben is - something you’re well aware of.

yourusername via instagram stories

Thankfully, Brian can’t tease you much longer before Poch shows up for the interview. You say hello and settle in before getting started. 

About 30 minutes later, you have everything you need from him and thank the coach for his time and a great conversation. You and Brian head back to the media offices to get to work on early edits of the video, a part of the process that you’re not really required to help with, but you always enjoy being as involved as possible. 

You’re wrapping up and sending the file to the media team for final edits when Ben appears in the doorway, freshly showered and now wearing grey sweatpants and a hoodie that really look unfairly good on him instead of his training kit. 

“Ready to go?”

“Yeah,” you smile. “I’ll just grab my bag-"

Ben is already walking over and grabbing it for you so you don’t have to carry anything, and you both say goodbye to Brian before heading for the car park. 

He opens the door to his car for you, even though you’re definitely capable of getting in yourself now, and then he begins to drive to your place, no longer requiring any directions.

“So, how was the interview?” Ben asks after a moment of comfortable silence.

“It was great,” you say. “He speaks very highly of you, you know. Not that I blame him after that assist on Sunday.”

“You watched?” Ben asks, his eyes lit up with joy as he glances over at you. 

“Of course, I wasn’t gonna miss it just cause I couldn’t be there in person,” you smile. “You were brilliant.”

You can’t tear your eyes away from Ben’s gorgeous smile as he continues to drive - improved only by your compliments being the reason for it. 

You continue to chat about the game and other things until you arrive in front of your building. It’s hard to keep the slightly sad expression off your face when Ben pulls into the driveway and you know you have to say goodbye to him again. 

All you want is to drag him inside with you and never let him go, but you know that isn’t realistic. Sure, he’s been wonderful and caring and attentive all week, but you’re sure that as soon as your ankle heals, everything will go back to how it was. 

“Are you okay?” Ben asks once he puts the car in park and notices the look on your face. “Is it your ankle? Is it bothering you?”

“No, no,” you say, quickly dissuading his worries. “It’s nothing, I’m all good.”

He nods, but the concerned expression doesn’t quite leave his face. “I’ve been worried about you. You know, being here by yourself and stuff.”

Though your stomach flips once again at his soft tone, you try to ignore it. He’s just being nice. He’s a nice person. That’s why you like him so damn much. 

“It’s okay, my mum has come around a few times and my flatmate will be home on Saturday,” you tell him. “Besides, I’m completely fine. I know you feel a bit guilty, but it’s just a sprained ankle. You’ve been so sweet looking after me, but I don’t want you to feel obligated.”

Ben blinks at you for a moment before letting out a sigh, running his hand through his hair. 

“It’s not…I mean, I did feel a bit guilty, but that’s not why I wanted to take care of you. It’s because I care about you.”

You frown in confusion. “I’m not saying you don’t care about me, Ben, I care about you too, but-“

“Y/N, for gods sake,” Ben cuts you off, taking a deep breath. “It’s not just that I care about you, okay? I care about the boys, but I don’t exactly turn up with dinner and cuddle with Reece or Trev when they’re injured.”

As you realize what he’s implying, your breath catches in your throat and you find it hard to speak at all, let alone say the right thing.

You’re not sure what comes over you, but the only thing you can think to do in the moment is the thing you’ve been dreaming about doing for the past three years - you lean across the console and press your lips firmly to his.

You have a brief feeling of terror that you’ve misunderstood what he was saying, until Ben starts to kiss you back and you no longer have any thoughts in your brain that aren’t of his lips.

He parts his mouth slightly and you kiss him harder, his hand coming up to tangle in your hair. You sigh into his mouth, in pure ecstasy as he kisses you like his life depends on it. 

You only part when you both need to come up for air, and even then, you’re reluctant to pull away from him, lingering close. Ben brushes his nose against yours, and you watch as he slowly opens his eyes.

“Y/N,” he breathes. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted you to do that.”

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to,” you murmur, slowly pulling back from him. “Why…why didn’t you ever say anything?” 

“I wasn’t sure if you felt the same, and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable since we work together a lot,” Ben admits. “I thought about bringing it up every time we hung out outside of work, but I always chickened out.”

“Oh,” you exhale, your mind whirring with a million different thoughts. “I never knew you felt that way about me.”

Ben raises an eyebrow. “I flirt with you all the time! There’s a reason the fans are always posting about us online, saying I fancy you and stuff. I thought it was obvious.” 

You could nearly scream at your own obliviousness - if only because it delayed what was just most definitely the best kiss of your life - but you never thought in a million years that Ben would choose you over all the other options he has available to him, over all the perfect girls you’ve seen fawn over him at games and parties.

“Well, I’m glad you’ve told me now, even if it took me falling over and injuring myself for us to get here,” you laugh under your breath, making him roll his eyes at you with affection.

“I’m definitely not glad you got hurt, but I was happy to have an excuse to spend more time with you,” Ben admits. “I just…always want to spend time with you.”

You’re blushing like crazy again, but this time, you don’t care that Ben can see. When he reaches out to cup your face and stroke your cheek with his thumb, you don’t shy away from him, your bashful smile mirroring his. 

“Are you free tomorrow night?” he asks. “There’s this amazing French restaurant in Richmond, I would love to take you if you want.”

You’re giddy at the thought of an actual, romantic first date with Ben, though you’ve felt more romance eating sandwiches on the floor and chatting in crowded stadiums and walking to get coffee with him than you have on any “real” first date you’ve ever had. 

“I would love to,” you smile. 

“Okay,” Ben grins. “I’ll pick you up at seven, then?”

You nod, feeling pure elation as Ben begins to lean in to seal your agreement with a kiss. It feels so natural, it’s hard to believe your first one was just minutes ago.

“Can I help you inside?” Ben offers once you’ve pulled away again. 

He knows full well that you’re completely capable of walking to the door by yourself, but you’re not offended by his chivalrous behaviour, especially now that you know he has a very good reason for it. 

“Only if you kiss me again at the door,” you respond, smirking at him playfully, and his eyes light up with delight.

“I can definitely do that.”

-

please let me know what you thought!! i love your comments and asks more than anything 💕

[thestreamdreampony]

Me adding my two cents is probably not gonna do much, but here I go, I guess:

I want to preface this with saying that Wilbur's content and Lovejoy have been incredibly important to me and I've put a lot of time, effort and money into supporting Lovejoy especially. So finding out about this, before finding out about the details, I had originally reacted with incredulous derision of twitter stans. And then erring on the side of caution about how things developed.

At this point there's almost no question that it's Wilbur, for the simple reason that Shubble would have cleared up his name if it wasn't. There's no way she would throw someone innocent under the bus, if she knew somebody else was guilty. Additionally, not a single person in Wilbur's surroundings has disputed any claims and have only narrowed it down further towards Wilbur. At this point it is incredibly unlikely she is talking about anybody else.

I do want to take a moment to comdemn those (mostly on twitter) who used this opportunity to dig into both Shubble and Wilbur's private lives, trying to construct a narrative of her abuse and in some cases going so far as doxxing Wilbur. It is entirely possible to support Shelby and condemn her abuser, without invading their privacy and endangering people's lives. Shelby's goal was to warn people and to make them more aware of the signs of abuse. As well as make it as clear as possible, who she's talking about without saying who it is directly, for a meriad of possible reasons. It was not an invitation to write abuse fanfiction about her private life.

That being said, the way I will feel about this in the long run will depend heavily on how Wilbur deals with this situation. I will definitely distance myself either way (slowly but surely), but his reaction to this will influence how I will act moving forward.

Should he stay silent or respond with insincerity/derision/defensiveness/etc., then that's it for me. Fuck him.

But should he come forward, own up to it, apologize and prove that he is working on himself, then I might be able to find it in myself to give him a second chance over time. I just don't believe that doing bad things makes you irredeemable forever and ever and ever.

We know for a fact that Wilbur has been struggling with mental health problems for most of his teen and adult life and from his solo music we are also aware that he is incredibly aware of the fact that he is the problem in his relationships. Expressing dark thoughts in music, does not automatically mean somebody is abusive. In fact, creating dark art is an excellent way to deal with harmful thoughts and impulses. I have literally never taken his lyrics to mean that.

However, his lyrics in YCGMA and MSR have always been incredibly autobiographical and do show that he is acutely aware that he's the unhealthy element in his unhealthy relationships.

We also know directly from him, that he has distanced himself from most of his social circle and sought out therapy as recently as 2 weeks ago in an effort to improve his mental health.

This does not excuse his actions whatsoever. Mentally ill people are still responsible for the harm that they cause and Shelby is unbelievably brave to tell their story. I hope they finds peace, I hope she has all the support she could ever need and I hope she has achieved her goal of making people more aware of how people end up in situations like this. She is an inspiration for standing up for herself like this.

But I also think that, should Wilbur come forward, admit to his wrongdoings and prove over time that he is working on becoming a better person, friend and partner, that he does not have to be shunned forever and ever and ever. He has a long life in front of him and I hope both for him and all his future friends and partners that he manages to find a healthy, happy way of living. This can happen, even while he never bothers Shelby, or the other people he hurt, again.

This is a best case scenario. I do think he is allowed to take some time to formulate a response. A hasty response to situations like this have never helped anyone ever, neither the victim, nor the accused. Taking his time to come to terms with the situation, which surely came as a shock, and to really think about how he wants to deal with this situation is much better than him writing a twitlonger as soon as he finds out.

Either way, I will distance myself from him and Lovejoy, slowly but surely. I won't get rid of the merch clothing I own because it was quite expensive and throwing it away is a waste of perfectly good clothing, but I won't find the joy I once felt wearing them. (I am salty about me being gone from home for a few months and having ordered Lovejoy merch, which had been waiting for me for weeks and then finding out about this literally the day I travelled back. It definitely felt weird as hell to unpack that stupid NORMAL longsleeve with his fucking face on it, while being hurt and confused and angry.)

Listening to Lovejoy's music, likewise, will never feel as euphoric as it once did, even if I go back to it. Which really sucks cuz they genuinly hit my sweet spot in music taste. YCGMA and SISV specifically, have been so, so important to me and removing them from my listening rotation i going to Hurt.

Interestingly, I don't feel quite as terrible as last time I had to suddenly cut a content creator out of my life. So I guess practice makes perfect lmao.

I don't know if me writing and posting this had any point. I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest and maybe it resonates with somebody.

Anyway, take care of yourselves. Take it easy and try to focus on other things, if this hit you hard (ideally offline). Try to meet with friends, maybe play some boardgames (or video games), go for a walk,read a book, have a coffee with a loved one. There's joy in the world, despite it all.

[blakeswritingimagines]

Their views on you

Batman: You are his soulmate, his reason for living, the person he wants to be with forever. He never wants to lose you and he can't imagine life without you. You are his heart and you mean more to him than anything or anyone else. He's so grateful that he has you in his life and he'll never take you for granted. He's so lucky to have found you and he cherishes every moment you share together.

Superman: He views his partner as his equal. You are his best friend, supporter, and source of guidance. You are someone he can count on in his darkest moments and someone he can be vulnerable with when he doesn't feel at his best. He admires your ability to always see the good in people and your kindness towards others.

Aquaman: You are his ray of sunshine, his rock on the rainy days. You bring balance to his life and are always there for him, no matter what. He loves the way you make him feel and it's something words can't quite capture. You know his heart and his soul and bring out the best in him.

Wonder Woman: Her partner is her world. You are her light and her darkness. You are what makes her world go round. She would be lost without you, you are her better half. Her strength. You fill her up where she is empty and you make the world a happier place.

Shazam: His significant other is his best friend. You share the same sense of humor, and your romantic relationship is one of open communication and acceptance. Your love grows stronger every day, and you both constantly strive to make each other feel loved and appreciated. He feels very blessed to have such an incredible partner in his life.

Flash: He values his partner's company, appreciates your kindness and empathy, and feels grateful for the opportunity to grow together and to become better versions of yourselves. In a word, he describes his partner as "my person"- someone with whom he connects on a deeper level than anyone else, someone who makes him feel loved and appreciated, and someone for whom he would do anything in the world.

Nightwing: Dick views his romantic partner as a constant source of comfort and companionship in a harsh world. He views you as a confidant who will always be there to support him and cheer him on, no matter what challenges arise. You are the one person who knows him best and understands him most, and he can always count on you to be there for him when he needs you the most. He feels safe and loved around his partner and he is grateful to have found you. He looks forward to growing and building a future with you, sharing his life in all its wonderful and difficult moments.

Red Hood: He views you as the main one to have his back. You're his rock, his shoulder to cry on, and someone who will be there for him no matter what. He knows he can trust and rely on you, and that you bring a sense of security to his life. The one he can be himself around without any judgments or repercussions. He loves you more than anything else in the world and would do anything for you, knowing You'd do the same in return.

Red Robin: You are his strength, a source of stability and support that never fails to help him through rough times. You are there to encourage him, give him advice, and guide him toward making the right decisions. Your positive attitude helps him stay strong. In addition, you are a source of motivation, helping him to work hard toward his goals. You make him want to strive to be at his best. And, when he's feeling low, your words of encouragement lift him up. You make him feel loved and valued.

Robin: His partner is his soulmate. You are the one person who understands him and loves him for all his quirks and faults. You are the one who accepts him as a whole, even the dark parts of himself. He'd say you are his safe place, where he can be his true and authentic self and know you fully accept him. He feels like you are two halves of one person, and it's a true love that's unlike anything he's ever experienced.

Batgirl: You are a special person in her life who she cares about deeply. In one word, you are her home. You are someone who knows her on a profound level and whom she can trust and depend on. In more detail, she sees you as a companion who has her back, who can be both a lover and a friend, and who is a partner in life. You are someone she can see herself spending the rest of her life with and growing old together, experiencing all the important milestones and moments in life together.

Superboy: Kent sees his romantic partner as someone who knows the importance of a life beyond mere existence. He loves you, but he also loves that you share a commitment to finding and embracing your own passions in life, and he sees you as someone to learn from and support, with whom he can connect deeply and meaningfully.

[crimeronan]

wait say more about how u use tarot to make ur OCs

oh sure!!

you can basically customize whatever spread you want to whatever project you're working on. i also sometimes use tarot for solving plot tangles or inspiring new plot points.

essentially you make a tarot spread like you're asking introspective questions or questions about the future -- but you're asking questions about a character instead.

then you can write down the results and interpret them based on the card's various potential meanings. tarot is all about using vague concepts to clarify your internal thoughts and feelings, it translates REALLY WELL to writing fiction.

i just pulled out my novel planning notebook and am thrilled to report that i have Pages And Pages of tarot spreads & interpretations in here. not just sol ruby devin and nova's original spreads, but also spreads about their relationships to each other, the environment surrounding them, etc

i'm not gonna transcribe my entire reading and interpretation for all four of the main quartet. i Will say that i pulled nova's cards first, said "these are all so well-adjusted and boring," and then rafi said "but what if she's the antagonist," and...... the rest is history.

this is the spread i used:

core self (one card to return to for their personality or archetype)

childhood (what most impacted how they grew up)

parents (relationship with parents)

education (background in school, study, etc)

friendships (either an important friend or generally how this person does friendships)

sex/sexuality (their relationship to sex and romance, if any)

goal (their overarching narrative goal)

fatal flaw (what will be their downfall)

work (career, attitude toward work, etc)

mental health (is it bad)

how far they'll go (what will they do to achieve the goal in #7)

fear (their biggest fears & how they manifest)

strength (a core character strength of theirs)

the core cards for each member of the quartet are

nova - the star

sol - queen of pentacles

ruby - queen of cups

devin - strength

and again, not gonna post the whole spreads, but. if you do something this involved, you'll find that certain bits will stick out Much more than others. i did these spreads in 2019 and would say a solid 80% of the cards are STILL relevant four years later in 2023. even as the project itself has undergone multiple scrapped drafts and revisions and plot changes.

some example highlights would be:

nova is my main antagonist. her spread is littered with stability, growth, reward, responsibility, opportunities, wishes, potential, dreams, whatever. her fatal flaw is the ace of wands, the fire card, a sign of creativity and passion. her parents are represented by the tower, the most chaotic and destructive card in the deck.

so here we have a woman born and groomed into enormous power by incredibly questionable forces, who has been raised not to care about the destruction surrounding her, and who has lived an Extremely Charmed life. uh oh!

sol's childhood is the seven of swords - betrayal, deception, loss. her friendships are the three of swords - disappointment, heartbreak. her strength is the five of swords - conflict, dishonesty, intimidation, lack of reflection. her fear is the magician - resourcefulness, willpower, desire, manifestation.

and. well. that's my antihero bitch. she sucks so bad. god bless

ruby's spread is much kinder by comparison. a calm childhood with happy parents, friendships and sexual relationships that are focused on partnership. her goal is justice. self-explanatory. her mental health is the four of swords - the exhaustion card. her fatal flaw is the two of wands - plans, anticipation, restlessness, lack of contentment.

so here's this woman who loves so much and so deeply and cares so much about so many things..... and has trapped herself inside a life that makes her fundamentally unhappy. because she can't walk away

devin's fear is the five of pentacles, a card that represents loss. often called The Breakup Card. it can also mean a loss of faith. their mental health is the ten of wands - burdens, responsibility, obligation, burnout. their goal is the knight of swords - ambition, battle, assertion, big changes.

so here you have an exhausted chronically ill mess who's standing alone because they're the only person who can do so, fatally loyal to their loved ones & burning with quiet rage n a desire to rip down the entire system.

like i said, you can customize any spread for any character or relationship. you just wanna ask broad questions about what that character or relationship looks like, and then interpret the cards in whatever way is most inspiring to you! i consider tarot a tool for creativity rather than an end-all be-all of fiction plotting.... take what you like, leave what you don't.

[thequietkid-moonie]

Request: Korsica and Macaron with an S/O who tries to hide their blush every time they pick them up.

S/O tries to hide their blush for being picked up

[ HEADCANONS ] [ Korsika, Macaron ]

[ Hi-fi Rush ]

WAAAAAAHHH I swear that i got incredibly excited over this, you have no idea how much it loved the idea, because, i mean, I am down bad for Macaron 😳

also, sorry if it is short

Korsika

Korsika has been so invested in her work and so determinated to achieve her goals that being in a relationship with you is a pretty new for her, although she tries her best to always be with you and is actually pretty open with her love

Korsika can end up being pretty formal with you sometimes but at time pass she gets more comfortable and becomes more affectionate and caring in a more direct way, she never has problems with tell what is on her mind and sometimes she is even being teasing and playful with you

Is more probably that she doesn't intent to carry you at first but is probably that you get flustered by the closeness and after the initial surprise she end up liking it and probably will be playfuly getting close to you from time to time, still she doesn't reach the point were she carries you, when it happens is more likely because she was trying to help you with something or even protect (what she would do without a doubt)

If it happened in a rush, like while trying to protect you she will don't think much about you hiding your face from her, just apologize and put you down when she finally can, however if it was in a more calm moment it won't take her much time before understanding your behavior, she finds it amusing but don't say much at the moment and just put you down (after enjoying the moment herself). In any case she will think about it for a while after it happen, it doesn't take much time to understand it but it the memory of it just bumpt into her head from time to time and she can't help but laugh softly at it, between the amusment and the embarrassment of not being able to forget it

Korsika will end up doing again in a more playfuly manner, she doesn't do it all the time but still do it from time to time and everytime she can't help but laugh softly at your reaction (probably end up telling you how adorable you look). Korsika doesn't mind much that you try to hide your blush from her and yet she assures you that you don't have to feel embarrassed or anything, in her eyes you are still pretty adorable when you blush so there is no need to hide it, although she won't force you to don't do it

Macaron

Despite his appearance and size Macaron is pretty friendly and even gentle, he doesn't like using any kind of violence at all (except for certain someone), and that is will be expressed in they way he treats his partner, he is always caring and gentle towards you, and, also, he can be pretty shy when it comes to romance (but tries his best to have initiative), even when is just closeness and wholesome intimacy he can't help but feel embarrassed and shy, not too sure to do it but being sure of wanting to do it

Macaron is affectionate but not exactly clingly, he loves having you around but won't force you to anything, and he took a while to get more confident about touching you (even just holding hands or hugs), although he do it without a second thought whenever it comes to protect you or help you with something (specially after meeting Chai and all the fighting against Vandeley)

Is more likely that he does carry you in his arms as a way to help you or probably while running away, more like an instinct rather than for being affectionate or even playful (or at least the first time it happen), with that in mind when you try to cover your face or look away, avoiding seeing him directly he imediatly things that you probably feel uncomfortable by it or even that you are hurt, and with that in mind he put you down at the very first opportunity he has and probably even apologize

If you don't tell him how much it flustered you when he carries you is more probably that CNMN will be the one telling him, suggesting that you may like it but you are too embarrassed to admit it (he has no problem saying it in front of you, he has no shame). It would take Macaron a while to accept that you are flustered and not uncomfortable and he may try to ask you about it (shyly and probably giving a lot of thought to the matter before actually asking you directly)

Macaron is actually kinda flustered that something like that flustered you and it would take him a while to get used to the thought of it before even thinking on doing it for being affectionate and even playful, although he will start doing it at some point (not all the time, but he does it from time to time) and he always laughs at your reaction, he already find it adorable having you in his arms but being so flustered amused him (and he blush a little, but he doesn't mind it much as long as it is just the two of them, he will be a little embarrassed if there is someone else present)

[verdantcrimson]

Gourmand Fragrance / Wagashi Revolution - 3

(Unproofread)

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Nazuna: We made it. Oi~ Keito-chin, hurry up and come here!

Keito: Don’t be in such a hurry, Nito. We’ve got plenty of time.

Keito: Or are you perhaps going to tell me that you have some work to attend to at the last minute as well?

Nazuna: No, no, it’s all good, so don’t get riled up!

Nazuna: … Jeez, are you still mad about Rei-chin being a no-show? 

Keito: I’m not mad about that. It makes sense to prioritize your work, after all.

Keito: However, if he had other obligations, he should’ve made it clear. Since Sakuma proposed the idea, I ended up mistakenly assuming that he would accompany us.

Nazuna: Ahaha, but Keito-chin, you put on airs and said that we should “begin researching right away.”

Nazuna: It’d be embarrassing for you if he replied with “Oh, but I’m going to work later though.”

Keito: Don’t bother trying to re-explain it to me. Seriously, how incorrigible…

Nazuna: Sorry, my bad. Anyways, that being said, why’d you pick downtown as the research spot, Keito-chin?

Nazuna: Don’t you think it’d be better to pick a spot closer to ES…?

Keito: If we’re near ES, then Kanzaki might find us out. I’d rather that not happen.

Nazuna: Hm? Were you planning on doing this without telling Souma-chin?

Keito: Yes. I felt like surprising Kanzaki in any case.

Keito: I discussed it with Kiryu earlier, and we were thinking of making Valentines wagashi to give to him to express our gratitude towards him.

Nazuna: I get it. It’s a good idea. Well, now I’m thinking about making some for everyone else in Ra*bits in secret too.

Nazuna: Alright! Then let’s get fired up and start our research!

Nazuna: Though it’s pretty crowded here in spite of it being the middle of the day on a weekday. Is it because of Valentines?

Keito: Most likely. Though, the congestion at this time of day is preferable. The main target of Valentines is young women, after all.

Keito: Around this time, most students are still attending school. After school lets out, it’ll likely become crowded with girls again.

Nazuna: Now that you mention it, most of the people milling around the stores look like college-age women.

Nazuna: Ah, Keito-chin, that store over there has a huge line!

Keito: Yes. Apparently, that’s a famous Western confectionery. They’re selling limited seasonal Valentines chocolate cake.

Nazuna: I want to try one for our research, but judging by the length of that line, it might take a few hours to even get inside the store…

Keito: Good point. Then, we might have better luck with the wait time at the coffee shop across the street.

Keito: Hmm, it looks like they have some limited chocolate flavored drinks and parfaits for sale.

Nazuna: Ooh, this cake is super cute. The strawberry chocolate drink looks yummy too! ♪

Nazuna: I love strawberries, you know~ ♪ They’re pink and cute, so I kind of feel drawn to them…

Nazuna: Ah, there’s a crowd over there too!

Nazuna: It looks like that store sells white chocolate. They sell white chocolate ganache you can give out as gifts as well!

Nazuna: Uu~... All of these shops look so good, I don’t know which one we should go into~

Nazuna: Or maybe it’d be better if we went to all of them? I mean, we’re researching here, so it might be good to visit every single—

Keito: Oi, Nito. You’re getting carried away. You haven’t forgotten why we’re here, right? 

Keito: Our goal is to research ideas for Valentines wagashi. Don’t forget that.

Nazuna: I- I know. I just got a little excited looking at everything..

Nazuna: Though it really is incredible. Every store has attractive goods that pull you in.

Keito: For the confectionery industry, Valentine's day is a business opportunity they can’t ignore.

Keito: All of these stores must have worked desperately on their marketing tactics in order to make the most of this lucrative sales period.

Nazuna: O-Oh. Well, I guess that’s true. Somehow, I feel like all the magic was just killed…?

Keito: Originally, Valentine's day was a part of a confectionery company’s commercial strategy. It’s common to hear people call Valentine’s a conspiracy created by chocolate companies.

Keito: And they would be right, because Valentine’s day in Japan finds its origins in the founder of a certain western confectionery company. ¹

Nazuna: H-Haha.. Is that so?

Keito: The founder of this company brought the Valentine's day tradition here from abroad. However, there's something peculiar about it all.

Keito: During Valentine’s day overseas, gifts given aren’t limited to chocolate.

Keito: Japan is the only country that restricts Valentine’s gifts to chocolate. Do you know why that is, Nito?

Nazuna: Eh? Ummm, because of the founder?

Keito: Correct answer. Seems like you were properly listening to me.

Keito: When the tradition was imported here from overseas, it was changed to make it so that only chocolate would be given of all the possible gifts.

Keito: All of this was part of the founder’s business strategy to deal with sales drop in February.

Nazuna: I- I see. Keito-chin, you sure know a lot~

Keito: Well, there are other theories. By the way, while it is customary in Japan for women to give chocolates to men, this too—

Nazuna: You’re still going!? Keito-chin, did you maybe forget what we came here for?

Nazuna: We’re supposed to research the Valentines marketplace, Keito-chin!

Keito: Hm… True. Time is money, after all. We ought to make good use of it.

Nazuna: Okay, for now, let's just go to the coffee shop you spotted earlier, Keito-chin.

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Translation Notes

This is actually true! Keito is referring to Morozoff Ltd. You can read more about it here + here (this page is in japanese)

[princetofbone]

Goals/Resolutions

I have. Opinions. On goals and resolutions and all those fun things. One of the greatest things in life for me is completing a goal. That said, following through with the things you promise yourself is incredibly difficult- especially if you go for big goals (which is a-okay you just gotta prep right)

Note on resolutions: Please PLEASE start doing the thing a month or two before the new year. I know it sounds dumb because it's a NEW YEAR resolution, not a November resolution, but getting into the habit of (for example) going to the gym 3x per week in November, and having slip ups in November, means that when January rolls around, it isn't new and scary, and it's way less likely that you will stop doing the goal in a week.

Note for all goals: don't aim too high- like in the previous example, I said gym 3x per week. I know so many people who decided they wanted to go to the gym every day, and then missed one day, and gave up because their streak wasn't perfect. Depending on the importance to you, I might even pick a goal way lower than what you think you can do- just so you can give yourself grace if you have an off day, or if you get sick.

Onto my method!

I'm a visual person, and I also happen to enjoy decorating paper, so I make goal sheets. I typically have three at any point in time.

My quarterly goals. I'm still in high school, so I make a goal sheet for each quarter of the school year. These are going to be your most broad goals- get >85% in all my classes - or journal 2x per week. Goals that are longer term, or goals that are not incredibly difficult, but would do a lot of good for you. Try and make these goals easy/medium. For example- I hope to journal every day for this quarter because it does me quite a bit of good, however I know that there may be days where I get tired or don't have time, so I left plenty of room for error.

Monthly goals. These can be very similar to quarterly goals, so if it wouldn't help you to have both- don't. I do this, because I like to hyperofocus some months onto specific things. I'm doing NaNoWriMo this November, and so one of my monthly goals will to be writing every day. Separating this out to months is less stressful for me, because I can push through one months, but pushing through three is an awful lot.

The most important for me- Weekly goal sheets. I don't include weekends into these, and they are typically very focused on issues I'm having in that moment. I was finding myself skipping a lot of class, so a weekly goal was to go to every class I had. The weekly goal sheets allow you to focus in on issues you're having, and help push you towards achieving your quarterly/monthly goals.

The thing that allows all these sheets and rules and nonsense to work is a rewards system. As I'm making my sheets, I write in things I can do if I complete my goals. For the weekly goals, I will allow a trip to my fav tea shop, or organizing an event with friends. I try pretty hard not to make the reward buying something because that feels icky to me.

Monthly goals, I generally attatch a reward that could be read as a chore. For example, one of my goals this month is to read before bed three times a week. If I do that, I can clean out my bookshelves and get rud of books. This may not seem like a reward, but once I clean out my shelves, I'm allowed to buy more books, so it opens an opportunity. (without rewarding myself via consumerism)

Quarterly rewards are the most exciting (for me). I have a long list of things I can afford, I want, but feel like I need a special occasion to buy. this could be a tailored vest, a pen, a new notebook. Is it consumerism based reward? Yes. Does it massively decrease my purchasing bc I only by myself "for fun" things when I complete a quarterly task? Yes. It also forces me to use self control because I

1) have to wait a while to get the thing

2) If I don't do the goal, I cannot buy.

I hope something from this helped/sparked ideas, so go, be free, make some goals!

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

What would he have made his priorities after being the king? I mean politically? If he had worked at all that is.

GREAT QUESTION it frankly drives me kind of insane that we never get any hint whatsoever about how he’s running the country while he does briefly take over from S&S through R&R. Like what are his POLICIES!! What is he DOING??

But also, realistically, he is not going to cancel wars with the Shadow Fold threat lol. Like that is only the beginning of a really long and drawn out foreign relations catastrophe. I talked about this a little bit in a different context awhile ago but he doesn’t strike me as a character with a firm end goal… ever. There’s always going to be more to do.

But like a civil war is going to fuck up the country no matter what. So I’d assume, regardless, there’s going to be a fair bit of immediate picking up the pieces economically. He doesn’t at all seem like he cares about public opinion, beyond being scary enough so people know not to fuck with him. So he’d probably have no qualms with making drastic and highly unpopular reforms lol.

We really don’t know enough about his stances but he seems to be primarily: a nationalist, an autocrat, prioritizing military strength, distinctly favoring Grisha interests, and also shdhfgfd against industrialization and technological advancement. He also favors the perceived good of the many over the interests and well being of any individual, and is very happy to make sacrifices of many, many lives to achieve fairly petty goals. He's a fantasy fascist basically.

The books somewhat superficially equate him with Russian revolutionary figures. But I don't think there's enough... actual ideology to back that up very much. And rapid industrialization and transitioning the Soviet Union from a primarily agrarian based economy was itself a key part of it? So... he's not much of a Stalin. If we're trying to sus out his policies I could see him being something of an anti Peter the Great, where instead of forced Westernization, you have an incredibly set in his ways immortal autocrat trying to drag everyone back to the values and traditions of his youth. (Which would also make narrative sense, considering Nikolai, as the Darkling-lite foil, seems to have def been based on some aspects of Peter the Great's youth and interest in innovation, if not his personality)

So for example, he seems like he'd favor isolationism. His idea of "peace" is "don't fuck with me or I'll make my monster filled interdimensional rift eat you." And we know Ravka is in intense debt! I could easily see him seizing the nobility's wealth and using it to pay off any debts owed to foreign countries. And then if anything's left over to stockpile resources towards making Ravka more self sufficient. Maybe even melt the gold and silver out of churches to that purpose.

(I forget which historical figure literally melted down church crosses dfghj but that was a thing! iirc incidentally he also stripped the silver from the currency, absolutely destroying its value...)

By RoW he seems to have embraced the entire like religious propaganda side of things. But in the trilogy proper he seems to hate the church. So resources going to it in any way will probs be diverted. And I could even see him gradually trying to repurpose the buildings for other things. They're on the tail end of a civil war, there's probs a lot of displaced people that could be put there for a start.

S&B meanwhile establishes that he has some pretty distinct opinions about how all the Grisha need to pretend to live like peasants so as not to forget their roots or whatever. I think he *would* enact really harsh regulations and reforms on court life just because he hates it so bad lol. Taxes on parties, insane sumptuary laws for everyone but his favored Grisha soldiers. He's had centuries and centuries to hate changing social norms. I think he'd go nuts if given the opportunity to dictate everything. Generally I think there would be a mix of skyrocketing taxes and reforms to an actual purpose (bolstering the economy and stripping material power from the nobility) but also just to be a petty, temperamental autocrat.

Def also criminalizing dissent and making examples of any opposition immediately. Can't have another revolution threatening his revolution. Again, here I'm annoyed by how little the world is fleshed out, because we get nothing about the nobility. Noble families with any sort of longstanding ties or known friendship with the Lantsovs would probs get executed day one. Stripped of titles and lands etc and then taking those and giving them to his own supporters. (Who are they? Good fucking question! He has one Ivan and then even he fucking dies. But realistically... he would have... supporters?)

He'd probs want to get a firmer grip on West Ravka stat, and maybe invest in some military expansion to control more ports. An issue I forever have with the Grishaverse worldbuilding is that it's just so small? There are only like five countries? Trade and foreign policy just aren't going to Look Like That or mimic a nineteenth/twentieth century vibe if there are only five fucking countries dfghjkl but whatever. Whatever.

I could also see him favoring exports over imports. Stopping all trade seems destabilizing af so I doubt he’d go there but seems likely he'd try to decrease any dependency Ravka has on other countries in favor of self sufficiency and isolationism. Maybe taxing imports so bad that it's just not worth it. Regulating the exact details of what can be imported, when, why, etc.

Speaking of the earlier impending foreign relations catastrophe. I think if he’s scary enough he might manage to avoid an all out war on all fronts? Might. Because there’s also a really good case to be made for attacking Ravka while its still weak and reeling from the civil war. But if he’s lucky, the surrounding countries will take a “wait and see” stance. But like there will be consequences eventually. Consider the Shadow Fold an in-universe fantasy nuke in the hands of a power hungry ruler who has zero qualms with any scale of loss of life or just murdering civilians for the lols. He’s proven himself to be unstable and unreasonable so even if there isn’t an immediate declaration of war there is going to be a response to that. No one’s going to be chill!! And like SoC and KoS context tells us that there is parem on the horizon, along with the Grisha super soldiers in Shu Han, the druskelle getting wayyyy more sophisticated and a general trajectory of rapid military industrialization and advancement through out the world. Those are playing pieces that would be on the board regardless, but it’s just going to get so much uglier under those circumstances. And especially with the knowledge and context that the Darkling is completely fucking unreasonable and ready to war crime anyone who looks at him funny.

I guess siding with Fjerda in S&S could hypothetically be advantageous to him here actually? Like we do not know the terms of that alliance at all, and I doubt it would hold for long. But it breaks up the framing of everyone vs Ravka. And opens things up for anyone else to respond by trying to get on his good side against their own enemies. And once again. There are only five countries lmao. So a tense balance of powers situation might be feasible, but I think it would hinge on him not looking like he’s completely insane. Possibly ironic, but the fact that he seems to have only war crimed his own damn country is likely also useful here. Other governments typically don’t care/won’t get involved to a degree of outright declaring war over that. And it leaves some room for arguing that he’s capable of some restraint. So how quickly things go to hell probably depends on whether he goes back on any alliances or makes good on/is cornered into making good on his Shadow Fold threat.

So I don't know, basically I think there's a ton you could extrapolate from his personality, actual world history, and like fascist takeover 101 sdfghj but it's also somewhat unsatisfying to speculate about because it's impossible not to constantly run into thin points in the worldbuilding. But basically I think he would probably rule with an eye for sweeping, harsh reforms, consolidating power, and chipping away at any opposition or potential adversary, with a general decided disinterest in the popularity or lack thereof of any of his policies. And I also think unless someone got him to take a deep breath and chill out for five minutes and relearn the value of diplomacy things would get. how you say. really fucking bad.

This was incredibly unorganized I hope it answered your question at all sdfghj

[cursedvibes]

what do you think kenjaku think of death?

I think overall they have a very realistic understanding of it, including their own death. They also seem to see it or the threat of death as an opportunity for change.

It is basically your last opportunity to change something about your life. Even if you didn't have the courage, opportunity or idea before, when confronted with it, you can take action and be it just by choosing how exactly you want to die. Ideally, you would find the will to fight and find something to believe in and work towards. In that sense death is an opportunity and a source of strength. For sorcerers even more so than regular human, although Kenjaku apparently discovered that even non-sorcerers let out a burst of cursed energy before their death, which I think ties into this idea.

You see it with Yuuji too. What started all this was that Yuuji and his friends were put in danger and instead of just giving up and letting himself get eaten ('what happens happens' as Tengen might say), he chose to swallow Sukuna's finger as a last resort. The development he had up until recently, where he just ate the fingers and planned to die to kill part of Sukuna, would fall into the category Kenjaku distastes however. Gojo/Megumi gave him a purpose and deadline for his death and he just single-mindedly worked towards it. With Sukuna (and Megumi) gone, he has more opportunity and is forced to take action. While Kenjaku is talking to Tengen in this chapter, I think their words were also partially said with Yuuji in mind and another reason for why I think Kenjaku never planned for Yuuji to stay Sukuna's cage (I mean, all their plans in the last chapters would've also never happened if that were the case). He was just the initial push Yuuji needed. That threat of death that pushed him into action...and also had the neat side effect of making Yuuji acquainted with Sukuna's cursed energy.

Besides all that, what I find refreshing about Kenjaku is that contrary to other "immortal" characters in media, they aren't delusional about their own limits and mortality. Yes, they were defeated by the six eyes three times, but they also survived the encounter each time. Other more stereotypical characters might see this as a reason to get cocky and think they're untouchable, but not them. They don't even try to fight Gojo, they just leave it all to Sukuna. The other thing is, that they don't have this irrational fear of death. Take Orochimaru for example (to whom Kenjaku has been compared by Akutami before), he sees himself as immortal, he thinks nobody can beat him, but he's also incredibly scared of dying. So much that he denies it and tells himself it is impossible. Kenjaku doesn't plan on dying, has no wish for it, but so far they haven't shown extreme fear of it. It is a necessary part of life and they are aware that it could happen to them at some point too. They recognize that Yuki could've killed them if it wasn't for Anti-Gravity System and they know Gojo could do the same any time, even if that doesn't stop them from throwing cocky remarks around. I think it sounds like Kenjaku didn't even try to fight the six eyes in the 1500s. Makes sense because what would be the point. They lost twice to the one in the Heian era, killing them obviously doesn't do anything, so might as well just leave and try to find another strategy.

They don't want to die, but they have no delusions that death will come for them eventually, even if it might take thousands of years, and that struggle against death is also what makes life more meaningful. You even see it in their cursed technique. No matter how it actually works, giving up your body and transplanting your brain can never be easy and without lethal threat. They make themselves incredibly vulnerable in the process. The fight against the six eyes, which they barely survived, also ultimately helped them get closer to their goal and understanding what they even want to accomplish and how to do it.

Death makes their long life more invigorating to them than being like Tengen, who might never die, but is also motionless, passionless and just lets the currents of time push her around, putting up only the bare minimum of struggle against any serious threat that she faces. Knowing that they could die, pushes them to pursue their ideals even stronger and enjoy the time they have.

[femininefutbol]

hold me closer

idea from here (22)

prompt: you try your best to comfort your girlfriend lieke martens after your teams beats hers in the champions league final

word count: 1.5k

a/n: this is my last uwcl final imagines so hopefully look out for some happier ones coming out in the next couple of days

-

You knew that today was going to be tough, of course it was, you are playing in the Champions League final. But for you the toughest part is not going to be playing in the game itself but who you have to play against. 

You have versed your girlfriend Lieke in a Champions League final before. But this final seems to be a much bigger event, and rather than Barcelona being the underdogs they have been dubbed the likely winners, meaning that there is an air of expectation that you are going to get absolutely wiped, although your team has no doubt they can pull Lyon’s eighth Champions League title. 

Lieke and yourself have promised each other that no matter the result you will both be there for each other, happy for the other's win but respectful of how the other will feel having just lost what can only be described as the biggest club competition in the world. 

Standing on the field while the Champions League anthem plays almost brings you to tears, missing out on the final last year was a tough defeat to overcome, particularly as you have been with the club since 2014, experiencing each of the five consecutive wins that came for the club prior to last year. Although it was a lovely consolation knowing that the love of your life was able to experience what it is like to win the prestigious trophy. 

Looking around you notice the sheer volume of Barcelona fans, the proof that regardless of what happens on the pitch, they are truly completely revolutionising women’s football off the pitch. You can’t help but smile at the Lyon fans though, thankful for anyone who is willing to support your team. 

You are able to get the game off to an incredible start, you slide in for the ball managing to move it away from the feet of Alexia who completely flips over you leaving the ball unmanned. You get up quickly moving inwards finding some space you take a shot, one you are quietly confident will curl and find the back of the net, which thankfully is exactly what it does. 

While you are extremely happy to have started the game so well, you know that there is still a lot of work to be done in order to bring the trophy back to Lyon. 

In the 33rd minute is when you find your next piece of major action, being in the perfect position to tap the ball into the net, thus making it the third goal for your team and your second. You know by this point that there is very little likelihood that Barcelona will have the opportunity to win, it fills you with joy knowing that you will be able to win the trophy for a sixth time but there is a twinge of sadness that comes along with the realisation as you know that means that Lieke will be the one losing out. 

Half-time comes with the scores being 3-1, the goal back from Alexia puts the situation into perspective, but the team is still confident that you will come away with a win. There is now also an understanding that it will be a hard fight til the end and that there is the very real chance that the game could be brought to extra time and even penalties depending on how this second half is played out. 

You continue to play with everything you have, even trying a little extra to potentially get a hat-trick, which would definitely add to the celebration of the day. 

In the 59th minute play is stopped and there is pause as Barcelona make a substitution. You look towards the substitute board, being sure to view the changes of the Spanish team and how that will affect the way you play moving forward. You immediately take note of the number 22 lit up in green, then you notice Lieke standing next to the fourth official. Even though the two of you are rivals in this game you can’t help but let a smile overtake your features knowing just how hard Lieke has been working in order to get fit to play in this game. 

She steps onto the pitch and there is an overwhelming applause from the Barcelona fans, most of them are not aware just how hard Lieke worked to make this happen but they do know that it is a big moment and they are clearly excited for her to be back playing. You find yourself clapping along with them, undeniably proud of your girlfriend and happy for her. Your actions cause a few confused looks from your teammates but you would hate yourself if you didn’t support her in this moment. 

The game continues and much to the dismay of Barcelona, the tactics for winning this game come out as your team works mischievously to ensure that there is no way for them to come back. 

After a long fought 90+ minutes the game comes to an end, thus yourself and your Lyon team are now once more the reigning champions of Europe. You feel overcome with joy, screaming, crying and hugging your teammates as you come to terms with the fact that you have just won your sixth Champions League trophy. 

Your team continues to celebrate around you but there is a nagging feeling in the back of your head, the guilt of knowing that your happiness comes at the expense of your girlfriends. You are on top of the world at the moment but she is devastated and you are partly to blame. 

You make your way around the field looking for Lieke, you shake hands with a lot of her teammates offering small words of consolation but you know that there isn’t much you are realistically able to do about the situation to make them feel any better. 

When you spot your girlfriend it is a horrible sight. She is still sitting on the grass, her knees pulled into her chest as tears rapidly fall down her cheeks. Jenni is crouching next to her, presumably attempting to make her feel better but it doesn’t seem to be working. 

You carefully put your hand on Jenni’s shoulder, alerting her of your presence before speaking, “you mind if I talk to her?” you ask softly, not exactly wanting to overstep. Jenni quietly stands up and goes to walk away but before she can, you pull her into a hug, rubbing her back and whispering a sweet apology. 

“Mon amour, je suis vraiment désolé” you speak quickly, your native language overtaking as all that is going on in your mind is the broken look on your girlfriend's face. 

“Mijn liefje” Lieke speaks quickly looking up noticing that you are infront of her, she immediately wraps her arms around your neck burying her head in your shoulder. 

“I’m so sorry it had to end like this” you reiterate your prior sentence in English, knowing that Lieke doesn’t understand French to have realised you were apologising to her. 

“It’s not your fault, someone had to win and today that was you” she sighs, she wants to be happy for you, she feels bad that she can’t but losing out on such an important trophy especially after just being able to come back broke her more than she realised that it may have. 

“If it makes you feel any better I really wish I didn’t, seeing you so upset is breaking my heart, I would do anything to stop you from being sad” you admit, there is such a bittersweet feeling to the win that really does make you wish that you hadn’t won at all. 

“Please don’t say that, I would have done anything to get the win, I did do everything in my power and I know that you did too and while I am upset that I didn’t win, I am so so proud that I can say my girlfriend is a six time Champions League winner” Lieke speaks, tears still running down her cheeks even though now they are coming out much slower. 

“Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” you want her to know that you are still here for her. 

“Can you please just... hold me closer?” she asks in a small voice. That is when you notice that from when she hugged you originally the hug had loosened and she was barely still in your arms, you immediately move to rectify the situation, hugging her close and rubbing her back knowing that the physical comfort of you being with her in this moment is exactly what she needs to feel better. 

So even though you are missing all the team celebrations there is nowhere else you would rather be than with your girlfriend securely wrapped in your arms.

[louehvolution]

Hi Alex! How are you? Seeing the old " louis is I'm control of everything he doesn't really care about his career doesn't want to succeed" discourse doing a comeback, if you don't mind to share, i would love to read your opinion about it. I already imagine what must be, but I really like the way you express your point of view of things ☺️

Now, at least for me, it's worse because it's coming from solo louies :/ and makes me so sad because the things are being said/implied about him are very unfair. i thought at this point, we all knew the difficulties louis has to endure in music industry and that's why is more complicated for him to do something that seems so basic for any other artist, but guess I was wrong.

PS. feel free not to answer, don't want to pressure you

Hi, anon, thank you for the kind words! 💖 In my opinion, Louis' situation doesn't seem to have significantly changed since 2020. His main press is still tabloid nonsense, with the same backhanded compliments if anything—the most recent bit in the Bizarre column could have been from 2017. Even a record breaking livestream and a cool free festival didn't get real press or promotion—before or after the fact. Louis’ earnest support of other artists or celebrities, including so-called friends, has yet to be reciprocated. Can anyone name a single tangible thing BMG have done for him since he signed with them over a year ago? While tour is incredible, its impact seems entirely contained to the established fanbase—and it cannot solve fandom's issues or irreconcilable differences. Is there, honestly, any sign of work being done toward improving Louis’ credibility and visibility as an artist, to prepare for his next music release after close to three years? For other artists touring doesn't mean a complete standstill in terms of their teams continuing that kind of work. And like, I always consider that Louis might opt for the path of least resistence these days, that he might pick and choose his battles, that he might be tired and his goals and expectations and standards might have shifted under unrelenting pressure and mistreatment and the simple passage of time—but even so I don’t believe things as they stand now are how he would want or freely chooses them to be. I definitely don’t think he’s out there refusing genuine promo opportunities, turning down chances of his music reaching more people; that he prefers not to be recognized as an artist, and seemingly directs his ‘friends’ not to show him any professional support, or that he takes his fans and their support for granted, etc.

Unfortunately, fans taking their frustrations out on Louis when reality doesn't match up with their unfounded, unmanaged expectations, isn't new.

To be honest, I avoid discourse these days as we’re finally living the moment we’ve been waiting for and—faith in the future or not—I just want to enjoy the present while it lasts. And what is there to say that hasn’t been said before, you know? But keeping this short, this is where I'm at, personally.

[thecagedsong]

Soo Won Analysis time. 

Okay, so a couple of things to preface. 

1. I hate Soo Won’s guts. I want to punch him in the mouth and stab him in the heart. The author has painstakingly set him up for an in-character redemption arc, and I want Soo Won to spit on it and die for his hubris. (fun fact, he could totally go either way at this point in the manga, redemption or not, and both would be extremely satisfying, but I personally hope he’s one of those that can’t admit he’s wrong and dies)

2. It’s a very personal, nuanced hatred, which I will describe in great detail. I fully acknowledge that Soo Won is an incredibly complex character that the narrative slowly draws out in great detail his personality, decisions, drives, and relationships. He is challenged constantly through the story, revealing his weaknesses and humanity. I still hate him. 

That said, let’s get to it. Analysis under the cut. 

So, first thing’s first, Soo Won as a person. 

Soo Won is a child genius, charismatic, and deeply invested in learning about the world around him. He isn’t satisfied with just being able to be smarter than the adults around him, he goes out and learns as much as he can. He has Mundok train him whenever the opportunity presents itself, he’s studied strategy from a young age, liked to read forbidden stories, made friends with crusty, violent information brokers, and made contacts and connections with all the adults he was exposed to, using that charisma that is one part genuine interest in everything everyone has to say, one part cunning manipulation, and one part confidence/conviction in his goals. 

He works hard to become skilled, becomes skilled easily, is strategic enough to purposefully hide his skill instead of seeking praise, and his skills combined with people underestimating him means that by the time he’s ready to stage a coup, everything comes easy to him and it’s really infuriating. He has, like, 10 days and solves the Earth Tribe’s economic problems while revealing an in-depth understanding of the loyalty and mechanics of the people there. He easily outwits seasoned generals on the battlefield, in the first instance of Fire Tribe + Kai against Kouka, Sending the divers to sink ships in the Water Tribe conflict with South Kai, and when retrieving Lili from Sei. 

That being said, he is a strategy genius. He understands how people move and moves them. He is not a hard logic genius. He will follow and trust instincts, he will be guided by emotions, even though he desperately wishes that he wasn’t. Soo Won wants to be a hard logic genius, to claim that his actions are guided by logical need instead of emotion, 

but it’s shown time and time again that he’s not. 

His relationship with Hak and Yona really show why I hate him. I’m not sure which to talk about first, so I’m going to talk about Yona, because that relationship is what really makes me want to stab him.

He has been friends with Yona basically all her life. He watched her struggle when her mother died, watched her willfully defy her father to do what she thought was best, Soo Won taught her about horses and did everything he could to make her happy. 

But he never actually saw her, and that’s the entire theme of his relationship with Yona. We’re introduced to this theme early on, when it’s revealed that Soo Won never saw her as a woman, but as a little sister. He says that she changes how he sees her, and starts to consider deeper feelings for her, but that’s a lie. He didn’t change how he saw her at all, he just wanted her to cool it and play good little girl until he killed her father and took her throne. 

This is reinforced when he is walking towards his crown during his coronation and he gives himself a moment to wonder if he really made the right choice, now that he was King, and all it cost was “the girl who loved him the most” and “his right hand man” (he believed them dead at the time, in case you forgot)

That’s what Yona is to him. A girl who loved him. 

I want him dead for reducing her to that. He keeps that image of her, one of the innocent girl in love, all the way up to chapter 229, an image that he never should have had in the first place. 

Yona was easy for him to put aside, because he saw no way she would be of help to his goals. 

Hak was harder for him to let go. He looked up to Hak, admired his straightforward way of thinking and his skill. Upon Yona greeting him in the castle, (when he was supposed to be coming for her birthday!) his first instinct is to look for Hak. In the flashbacks, Soo Won is sometimes taking care of Yona and always admiring Hak. 

Yona was a girl who loved him, and Hak was his right hand man. The foil helps illustrate that Soo Won still is not seeing Yona.

And yeah, we all know that Yona was annoying before her character growth, but she was headstrong and determined to get her way, she was kind to her father, and strong throughout her isolated life. Soo Won didn’t see that, and when she grew and developed those traits, he still refused to see that!

Lot’s of people have focused on Soo Won and Hak’s relationship, so I’ll keep this brief, because while Hak resolving things with Soo Won is a major point in Hak’s character arc, the major point in Soo Won’s character arc will be Soo Won resolving things with Yona. 

There’s a decent amount of romantic coding in the scenes between Hak and Soo Won on Soo Won’s part, certainly enough that whether you read it as platonic or romantic, you can’t doubt how deep their relationship was. Hak would have chosen Soo Won and Yona against the whole world, they were his king and queen. Soo Won was the only person good enough for Yona, the one he would readily set aside his own feelings for. They raised a hawk together. Compare Soo Won’s irritation with having Yona and the dragons brought back to the palace, to the way he became undone at seeing Hak for the first time doing chores with the Sky Military. 

And it’s Hak, bloody and beaten, bringing him the medicine, that finally punches through his several lines of self-delusion and makes him realize that “geeze, maybe you can be a good king without being a terrible person?” Unfortunately for Soo Won, he’s not going to go anywhere with his redemption arc until he sees Yona as more than some love-struck stupid little girl. 

Remember what I said about him not being a cold logic genius, even though he wants to be?

When Soo Won was a kid and he claimed that he would give Il a chance to show that he could be a good king, that was him trying to be logical. You realize it’s B.S. when you notice that Soo Won killed Il the exact same way Il killed Yuhan. There were several ways to kill him that would have been much less distracting/implicating. Poison. Suffocation. A fire. Having someone else kill Il. 

But no, Soo Won goes to talk to Il about the future of the kingdom, then stabs him through the chest with a sword. Emotion. He didn’t want Il dead, he wanted Il devasted, to know that his killer was the nephew he helped raise and to know exactly who he killed that caused his death to happen. (So Happy Il’s goodness robs Soo Won of that. It’s no fun if your victim accepted you were going to murder him and was determined to show you love and forgiveness anyway)

Soo Won’s every decision regarding Yona has the exact same situation. He tries to pretend he’s being logical, but because he is so determined to put Yona aside, and because he refuses to see her as she actually is, he ends up making very illogical choices. 

I’m going to talk about three.

First, peace talks with Xing. From a logical standpoint, if Xing wants to surrender without a fight, that’s fantastic news! His reputation is literally doing the work for him! He’s capturing countries without losing a single soldier, how many kings can do that? He should have immediately started incorporating it into his plans. Making sure Xing meant what they said, setting up contingencies for the peace talks to go south and figuring out what nobles to appoint as overseers while mining Yona for as much information as possible about the current state of affairs in Xing and with Xing’s leaders. That would have been logical. The best thing for Kouka.

But no. He ignores Yona, tells her he’s going to battle, and to stay out of his way. Why? It’s not because he’s suspicious Yona is lying. We don’t see much of his thought process here, so this one has the most guesswork of my three examples. What it ultimately comes down to, I think, is that Soo Won believes Yona is proposing these talks because she’s innocent and believes peace talks can solve anything, when the only real answer is violence. 

At this point, combined with his thoughts during his coronation and his thoughts about putting Yona aside, to Soo Won Yona basically represents the innocence he killed that night. He can’t listen to Yona, because she’s emotional and weak, and her ideas all must be coming from a place of emotion and weakness. 

(nevermind that Yona knows better than to trust in Soo Won’s mercy)

It’s only when Yona challenges him with logic, needlessly wasting his men’s lives, condoning Yuhon’s atrocities and challenging his fitness to be king (subtly implying that he’s the one coming from a place of emotion, wanting to be like his father) that he listens to her. And even then, he doesn’t believe she’s right, he just needs her to stop interfering and will give her a chance to stop the war by requiring circumstances and a timeframe that is nearly impossible. 

And when questioned about Yona and the dragons being representatives of the King, due to their literal founding myth, he falls back on logic. Nope, he doesn’t need gods that stand by and do nothing, he only let Yona deliever a message because it was logically convenient. No credit to her.

Next decision. Kye-sook brings Yona and the Dragons back, (much to his displeasure because he doesn’t need the gods power, doesn’t want them to be part of his glory, and he’s trying to put Yona aside dangit!). Kye-sook arranges a tournament to show off the dragon’s powers and show Yona off as Soo-Won’s bride. 

When asked if he planned this, Soo Won says that when Kye-sook proposed it, he saw no downsides. 

There’s a ton of downsides!!!!! Dragon warriors aren’t puppets, they are loyal to Yona, and they’re much more likely to rebel if forced to dance for Kye-Sook’s powertrip while Yona is forced into a farce that is a cruel mockery of the future she once imagined. And when Yona refuses to marry him? When Yona has enough and finally says the truth about his cruelty, and all the people that are going to believe her because of everything she’s done, it will ruin him??? When the Dragons follow her orders instead of his, it will undermine him? When Soo Won and Yona don’t actually get married, when it gets out she’s with Hak, it will cause a bunch of unnecessary problems and drama?

There are so many upsides to allying with Yona at this point. Attempting to mend bridges, now that she seen the state of the kingdom. Xing has declared her central to their continuing cooperation. The Fire Tribe worships her and the dragons. Lili made sure everyone in the Water Tribe is aware of their debt to her for her help in fixing the Nadia trade. The Wind tribe will side with her and Hak at the drop of a hat. Logically, the best way to keep the tribes unified is to ally with Yona and deal with her honestly. 

But that comes to close to making a decision because it would make Yona happy. And he killed that part of himself. Soo Won doesn’t trust himself to analyze the situation clearly, so he lets Wormtongue Kye-Sook make decisions regarding Yona. Because he refuses to see her as anything more than the innocent past he put behind him. 

The third decision that I’m going to mention was when he was going to straight up kill My-nyan because she knew about the Crimson Blood disease because she was born with it too. Nevermind that if she was going to tell the King of South Kai about a weakness this big, she would have already done it. Never mind that the physicians could try riskier measures on her for curing the disease than they could on him and see what stuck. Never mind that she was as much a victim of this curse as him, no empathy found.

Yona jumps in and says “Don’t kill her” and Soo Won again only sees a stupid little girl that doesn’t understand why it’s necessary to keep his illness a secret. Doesn’t she understand that there’s no mercy when mercy allows for error?

As if Yona would ever credit him with mercy.

Yona tells him it’s stupid to go and kill the Emperor’s favorite concubine, especially when they put on that whole show to convince people that the royal family didn’t kill a South Kai Diplomat. 

Yona clears his head for a moment, makes him see logic once again, and My-Nyan is allowed to live. A merciful and logical solution. 

But does that convince him to see Yona as something other than a stupid little girl?

Nope. When looking for a successor, he asks the immortal Zeno, and is shocked at the proposal that Yona, of all people, might be a good successor, and then doesn’t even give it a second thought, no matter how many times she’s proven herself. She’s just a girl that loves him after all. 

He treats the gods and people of faith with the same “pretending it’s only logical when it clearly comes from a place of emotion” attitude. The gods are CLEARLY not sitting on the sidelines like he accused in his coronation speech. Their avatars are actively running around, he knows from reading his mother’s journal that the Oracles his father murdered actually did know the future and the truth, and were the voice of the gods acting on Kouka. He knows that Yona is the reincarnation of the first king. But everyone time someone brings up the gods, he casts the gods aside, say they have nothing to do with him. 

That’s not logical, that’s supporting his father’s worldview to his own detriment. The gods are clearly real, and it’s stupid to be challenging them when he’s about to go to war.

 Finally Hak, against all logic and reason, offering the medicine he said he would get to someone he swore he would kill, breaks through Soo Won’s stupidity. Earlier he had been trying to put aside Hak’s disappearance during the flood, telling himself not to consider where Hak might have gone or if he was still alive. 

When like, logically, he should? Hak is worth 1,000 soldiers, proven by his previous battles. Geun-tae is out of commission, and the earth tribe’s morale is tied to Hak now as they hold the border. Yona and the dragons, again, valuable allies, depend on and love Hak. It actually makes the most sense to put forth all his brain power and armies to finding what became of him. 

But that’s too close to the Child Soo Won he put aside that cared about Hak and Yona being happy, so he scolds himself for it. 

I hate him because he actively chooses cruelty and disguises it as logic while putting on a ‘bumbling nice-guy’ façade in order to better manipulate people. I want to stab him in the name of every real person that does the same thing. 

Then Hak comes back with the medicine, after helping turn the tide of the battle, and Soo Won finally gets a clue that maybe he’s being stupid. And maybe Yona, with her goodness and desire to help people, does have something to offer the future of Kouka he envisions. 

Soo Won is only just realizing the possibility of this. And he’s been shown enough times that his path isn’t enough on its own that it makes sense for him considering an apology and a change of character/ideals. His redemption arc has reached the “maybe I want to be good?” part. 

Like I said before. At this point, he either bows his apology to Yona, finally sees her for who she is, and works to set her and Hak up as his successors, or he refuses to betray the memory of his father or admit to his own folly, letting his pride send Kouka into destruction as he turns Yona and Hak back into direct enemies and attempts to conquer Kai from his deathbed, leaving no clear successor and Yona no choice but to kill him/let him die/take back the throne. 

A middle path wouldn’t be satisfying at this point.  I’m hoping he rejects redemption, mostly because i hate him and want him to suffer for all the above reasons, but I’m ok with him bowing to Yona too. 

[starcatastrology]

Case Study 1: "Leigh" and "Billy" - Synastry

This is an analysis of the Synastry Chart between “Leigh” and “Billy” (full disclosure, I am Leigh). First performed on January 23, 2022; compiled into readable form on June 19, 2022.

The Good:

There is an exact Conjunction between “Leigh’s” South Node and “Billy’s” Ascendant Axis. This, coupled Billy’s Mars forming an exact Conjunction to Leigh’s vertex, and the overlap between Billy’s 12th House and Leigh’s Placidus 8th House, indicates a past-life relationship, one that was significant and (to be honest) deeply emotionally intense. There’s a good chance that in their past lives together, Leigh caused Billy a lot of pain for reasons out of her control, and is now being asked to rectify that in this present life.

By itself, however, that past-life relationship doesn’t indicate longevity or stability in the present. Sometimes, depending on what is needed for both people to grow, the opposite is indicated. In order for the North Node/South Node connections to have any hope of reaching their true potential, other significant connections have to exist.

In this chart, they do. Billy’s Moon/Saturn/Neptune Conjunction forms a Trine to Leigh’s Moon. Furthermore, Billy’s Uranus forms a trine to Leigh’s Jupiter, and that Trine is within 1 degree.

What this means is that, while the progression of the relationship and the inherent chaos associated with it can be a little unsettling for Billy in particular, there’s a recognition on the part of both parties that any sudden events are for their greater good and happiness (or at the very least, that they're better off not facing it alone). Since Saturn is also involved in these Trines, there’s opportunity for stability, growth, and forward movement towards the goals of both parties.

When you couple that with Billy’s Mars being Conjunct Leigh’s Venus/Vertex/Sun, and Leigh’s Venus/Sun/Vertex forming Sextiles to Billy’s Sun/Venus/Mercury, you get a relationship that’s rooted in respect, intellectual rapport, sexual attraction, and, if allowed to reach its full potential, genuine love.

Leigh’s Moon is in Billy’s 4th House of Home and Family – meaning on some level, Leigh feels like home to him. Leigh and Billy quickly develop a lot of emotional intimacy that might be hard for Billy to experience otherwise. If Billy hasn’t dealt with his emotional and familial issues by the time he forms a relationship with Leigh, he may very well sabotage this relationship out of fear; but if he has dealt with his issues, it’ll be surprisingly easy for him to be vulnerable with Leigh.

Billy brings out a certain degree of selflessness in Leigh that she doesn’t often get to show to other people, and in return, Leigh brings out Billy’s passion and encourages him to express himself creatively. If both parties are ready for this, and if Billy is past his first Saturn Return, there’s real potential for this to be the start of something powerful and lasting.

Conclusion: If Billy and Leigh are both interested in a commitment and ready for the work that a commitment would require, there’s potential for this relationship to last and make both parties happy.

A word of warning: All of the potential good in this relationship might become toxic, or might in fact evaporate entirely, if the relationship is not for the highest good of both parties, especially if Billy is young or immature (I wouldn’t suggest that Billy even try to form a stable, long-lasting relationship until he’s about 32 – it’s not that it can’t work out, it’s just that waiting until longer usually leads to better results, and since Billy is incredibly results-driven, bad results may cause him a lot of unhappiness early on in his life).

While it’s possible that other people with different charts can marry before they’re ready to do so with no ill effects, generally, Saturn in the 7th doesn’t allow one to do that and have it end well, especially not when Saturn is in dignity (and in Capricorn, Saturn is in Domicile). Things can get real Jerry Springer real fast if the people involved haven’t worked on themselves first.

The Bad

Because Leigh’s South Node is Conjunct Billy’s Ascendant, her North Node is Conjunct his Descendant, or the Axis of the Other. Most of the time, this indicates a marital relationship; however, the Descendant is also the Axis of the Nemesis – which I suppose illustrates just how extreme this type of connection can be. It truly will be one way or the other with this couple, and which it is will be determined by the work they put in now.

Given the level of emotional intimacy and unexplained personal knowledge shown in this chart, it’s safe to assume that Leigh and Billy were married in their past lives, and that something beyond either of their control caused Billy a lot of pain.

It’s indicated that Billy lost Leigh in their past lives, probably through Leigh’s death (the Mars/Vertex Conjunction occurs in Leigh’s 8th House of Death, Birth, and Trauma, becomes a part of Leigh’s 8th House Stellium, and also occurs in Billy’s 12th House of Grief, Loneliness, Sorrow, Addiction, Self-Destruction, and Drowning).

This kind of chart speaks to lovers who fought to stay together and lost. Great tragedy, enormous grief, and a heavy amount of self-destruction followed; it’s probable that Billy engaged in behaviors that were self-destructive enough that they put him in an early grave (for instance, coping with his grief through overwork, emotional eating, alcohol).

In this life, Billy is going to get to try again, and this time, potentially, not lose her for reasons out of his control – but whether or not he succeeds depends on how he’s coping with that subconscious past-life trauma in the present life.

In a lot of cases, people will heavily detach from past-life soulmates if those relationships ended in tragedy in the past, even though they’re heavily emotionally invested in the present. This is especially true when that connection is heavily embroiled with Saturn (and in this chart, Billy’s Saturn is part of his 7th House Stellium, so in a sense it’s forming a loose Conjunction to their tight North Node/Descendant Conjunction).

Billy is prone to a lot of self-destructive behavior as a result of this tragic past-life that they share, especially if he isn’t aware of his own issues. I don’t advise that Leigh stays in the relationship with Billy if he drinks heavily, displays unaddressed addictive behavior, or is completely unaware of his depression issues. Generally, heavy drinking will indicate that Billy has failed to address his past-life trauma, and as such, he won't be ready to try to resolve that past-life debt in a healthy way at this time.

Furthermore, Leigh’s Jupiter/Moon Conjunction is Conjunct Billy’s South Node (the Moon can be felt no matter where it is in a sign, and it’s in the same sign as Jupiter), meaning on some level, Billy’s defensive instincts to detach from Leigh might be magnified.

Because of this, there’s a good chance that if Billy isn’t ready for a relationship, he may not be willing to engage with Leigh on an emotional level at all – or worse, he might behave in erratic, self-destructive, hurtful ways (like impulsive cheating, long periods of on-again-off-again abandonment, or weird fights that don’t actually serve to resolve anything). It might get to the point where his behavior, erratic and trauma-based though it may be, will be hurtful enough that it becomes abusive towards Leigh.

This becomes significantly less likely once Billy turns 32.

(A/N: when I wrote this, Billy was about a month and a half away from 33, so my arrival was right on time. To be honest, that's the only reason I agreed to date him in the first place. In people under the age of 32, Saturn in the 7th or ruling the 7th is a red flag.)

There’s also a good chance that Billy will be intimidated or outright hurt by the way Leigh expresses her sexuality in their present life. In their past lives, Leigh only got to be with Billy and never got to discover herself as an independent person; as a result, Leigh in the present life is almost being forced to be a little promiscuous, because she never got the chance in her past life. She's more than capable of monogamy, but while she's single, in her mind, her sexual behavior is none of his or anyone else's business (and she isn't wrong).

In the present, Leigh is ambivalent about having children - she wants them, but she also has no idea if she would be a good parent (and she doesn't feel entitled to parenthood). That may become more of an issue later on in the relationship, when Billy is older and eager to settle down and start a family (he’s a Cancer Rising – not all Cancer Risings want children consciously, but it’s very rare to find a Cancer Rising who doesn’t eventually want children later on in life).

There’s even a chance that Leigh might struggle with infertility caused by sexual decisions she made in the past (Saturn in the 5th House in Whole Signs, in the 4th in Placidus, Conjunct Lilith), and it’s almost definite that she has bad experiences with men (8th House Stellium, Venus being a part of that Stellium, Saturn Conjunct Lilith in the 4th, Pluto in the 1st Squaring Saturn, Chiron in the 10th, Sun Square Moon exact – basically, Leigh’s relationship with the Divine Masculine is garbage, and she knows it).

Also, Leigh’s spirituality is a lot more obvious and attention-grabbing than Billy’s – in fact, Billy may not even be aware of his spiritual beliefs, or that he even has them in the first place. Billy will see Leigh’s spiritual beliefs as part of her quirky charm at first, but over time, they may become frustrating to him.

I definitely see Leigh as a crystal girl – she collects crystals, she knows both of their astrology charts by heart if she knows anything about astrology at all, and she’s probably pretty good at multiple forms of divination.

Billy, meanwhile, is a lot more practical. He can tolerate Leigh’s quirkiness, but over time it may start to annoy him. He’s a lot more practical in the way he operates than she is.

Leigh is probably more aware of their shared past lives than Billy, even though Billy suffered more than Leigh (the one left behind always does suffer more, in the end). Thus, she may be more aware of the potential setbacks they may experience, and quite possibly might experience a lot more anxiety.

Billy needs to be aware that if he demonstrates any hesitation about Leigh and their relationship, Leigh will bounce. In this lifetime, Leigh has no patience for fools.

It's also worth noting that much of the emotional intimacy and intensity in this relationship comes at a cost to Leigh, and always has. Leigh has two differing sides to her personality, and those sides come into a great deal of conflict with one another on a regular basis (in many cases, a chart like this can indicate mental or physical illness if the person doesn’t take care of themselves or have a proper support network). If Billy isn’t careful, he may over-value Leigh’s emotional self at the expense of her intellectual abilities, physical capacity, and ambitions – and if he isn't careful to ensure he values both sides of Leigh's personality, he could grow to resent her for her flaws, despite the fact that everyone has them.

Overall, even if this relationship doesn’t work out, it will prove to be instrumental to the personal journeys of both parties. It’s up to them to put in the work necessary to make it work out this time. 

Note: At the time that I compiled this Synastry analysis, I was curious to see how well this would play out in the real world, as Billy and I had not gone on a date by this point (we went on our first date on February 7, 2022 - I will do an electional astrology chart analysis very soon).

It turns out that "Billy" and I did end up in a long-term relationship, and we're still going strong. Pretty much all of my predictions about Billy's temperament and the way we interact together were accurate; honestly, he treats me really well, and I can say with confidence that I have never been in a relationship that has made me as happy as this one.

Many of the issues that you'd see with Saturn in the 7th House would have shown themselves by now, and they haven't, so we can assume that getting past his Saturn Return has really mellowed him out. If it hadn't, I would have kicked him to the curb.

[repriseofthereprise]

Exploring the Value of Women-Only Space

by Kya Ogyn

The first time I went to Michigan Womyn’s Festival was in 1982. One of my work shifts was on the parking crew late in the evening; it was dark when I got off and started to my campsite. The moon was very bright and I didn’t need the flashlight I had brought with me. Part way I heard behind me the footsteps of someone walking quickly. I gripped my flashlight and started to turn to see who was coming when I realized that whoever it was, she was a womon. I remember feeling an incredible sense of relief and relaxation but even more than that, I was surprised. I was surprised because I had not known that I was frightened. I had lived both in cities and in the country and I was used to being out at night on my own, going where I wanted, and I would have said I was careful but certainly not afraid. I think my fear and the reasons for it were so constant that I could not be aware of it until it was removed. I was and am afraid of men. I want to be clear that I deal with men on a regular basis and mostly I’m not aware of being afraid. But I check them out. When I am alone with men I don’t know I pay attention to their body language, their tone of voice and the quality of attention they show me. Even with men I know and have not known to be violent I find that if they are angry I focus on them; I go on alert. I have reason for my fear. There is a male pattern of violence towards womyn which is well documented. It is a common, every day occurrence in every country in the world. While it is true that not all men are violent, it is also true that almost all violent acts are done by men. It is also true that this level of violence could not exist without the tacit consent of all men. Even men who are not violent benefit from womyn’s fear because most womyn have learned to be wary of angering them. At Michigan Festival and other womyn-only space I have learned what it is like to live without that fear and I want that for all womyn all the time. I think it is difficult to create a new way of living if one has not experienced at least a taste of it, and womyn-only space provides that taste.

Womyn-only space has often been described as safe space and has been criticized when it has not been perceived as such by many womyn. I want first of all to look at what is meant by safe space. The first definition of "safe" in my dictionary is "free from harm or risk." I think these two words have different meanings and that great confusion of purpose has occurred when we conflate them. Harm is usually understood to mean injury. When one is injured one has suffered an injustice or has been made less sound. Creating space where womyn are free from harm is a desirable goal. However, I do not think creating space that is free of risk necessarily is desirable. In order to understand risk we have to know what is being risked and for what purpose. While I usually prefer to avoid risk of physical injury, I will climb on a roof to repair a leak. Or I will if the roof is not too steep and it shelters me or someone I care for or possibly for money. Risk is often perceived as courting danger but it can also mean accepting the possibility of change, with opportunities for gain as well as loss.

Womyn’s space has too often been free from risk and not free from harm. We have played out mainstream hierarchies and have lacked respect and compassion for each other. Womyn who are privileged by racism and other hierarchies have too often perceived as threats to our well being opportunities to look at systems of power, to learn where as individuals we are unjustly advantaged. Since womyn who are targets of oppression other than sexism continue that experience in womyn-only space, it has been argued that the exclusion of male-to-constructed-females over concerns of safety is unjust. A message I hear is toughen up and deal with all oppression and privilege.

I agree with the desire that we really do many things about social justice. I disagree that makes exclusion of non-womyn unacceptable. To be central to one’s own life, and to be one strand woven in the web of the world, is a circumstance I wish for all humans. In general womyn have been trained to center our lives around men. Male supremacy means that whenever all other class rankings are the same between womyn and men, men will be considered superior. Girls grow into womyn with the experience of being automatically subordinate to men of similar circumstances. While boys grow into men knowing they are privileged in relationship to some men and subordinated to others, they experience being properly superior to girls and womyn. This reality influences every moment of each individual’s life. Womyn-only space allows womyn to experience living without that deeply trained deference to men. Womyn only space is something like a science experiment. What happens when only one factor is changed?

A foundation of heteropatriarchy is the male right of access to womyn. Historically, men have sometimes accepted that some womyn are off limits because they belong to other men, but only rarely have womyn claimed the right to exclude all men. While males have reserved to themselves the right to gather in male only spaces they have used rape, physical assault, pornography and economic dependency in a pattern of insistence on access to womyn. As Marilyn Frye wrote in The Politics of Reality, "It is always the privilege of the master to enter the slave’s hut. The slave who decides to exclude the master from her hut is declaring herself not a slave." When womyn say to men, "no, not now, this time, this space is not about you," we assert the primacy of our own lives. The ability of a class of people who have been the target of oppression to gather together without the presence of those who have benefited from their exploitation is both an important organizing strategy and an expression of material power. Particularly in the case of womyn who have been raised in and taught loyalty to competing male supremacist cultures, womyn-only space allows us to explore the commonality and difference of our experiences. This form of separation is very different from that which is practiced and enforced by those who are privileged by power hierarchies. Male-only and white-only spaces reinforce assumptions of superiority and normality among their participants which adversely affect the excluded. I think exclusion of the targets of oppression by the privileged is always suspect while the reverse is an important method of redressing power imbalance.

A claim has been made by some in the trans community that trans people are oppressed by non-trans people and therefore their exclusion is unacceptable. I said the exclusion of the oppressed by the privileged is always suspect. I know many trans people have suffered difficulties, for example, in employment and social acceptance and I want all individuals to have real access to jobs, food, housing and companionship. This could seem to lead me to agreeing that the exclusion of mtcfs from womyn only space is not justified, but I disagree with the way this argument has been formulated. I think ranking oppressions, trying to determine whether racism or sexism came first or whether old or disabled people suffer more, is simplistic and divisive. However, I also think the sanctions imposed on trans people, like those imposed on lesbians and gay men, serve to reinforce sexism rather than constituting a separate hierarchical branch. Sexism benefits men in many ways. If all the womyn in the world disappeared men would spend a lot more time cooking and cleaning or getting other men to do it for them. There would be a revolutionary reorganization in how the domestic work of the world was accomplished. I suspect those remaining who did not want to clean up after themselves would either have to pay well to have it done or use force. The systematic undervaluing and underrewarding of womyn’s work is a massive economic subsidy to men in male supremacist cultures. If, instead, all lesbians, gays and transpeople disappeared, I do not think it would have any impact on how societies are structured economically. Some of those remaining would gain the advantage of reduced competition but there would not be a structural change. The targeting of lesbians in excess of that which is experienced as womyn and the targeting experienced by gay men and transpeople functions as punishment for non-conformity to heterosexual, male supremacist sex roles. To the extent that such punishment reduces sex role non-compliance, sexism is reinforced and the beneficiaries of that are men, not womyn. Therefore, the exclusion of mtcfs from womyn only space is not the exclusion of a targeted group by its oppressor group.

Humans are born, with very few exceptions, female or male, and trained by societies into femininity and masculinity. While there are cultural variations in how these sex roles are expressed, in general certain constellations of characteristics are seen as masculine and certain others as feminine. In almost all societies masculinized males are considered to be properly dominant over feminized females. I think dominance is central to the concept and practice of masculinity as submission is to femininity. Many womyn object both to male supremacy and to the limits placed on the characteristics we are allowed, without sanction, to express. Some men also object to the limits on the characteristics masculinity assigns to them. The limitations on societally approved characteristics embodied in femininity and masculinity function to artificially heighten the differences between womyn and men and reinforce the class structure of male supremacy. Some mtcfs have said that although they were born with male bodies they feel like women. They believe there has been a mistake and sex reassignment surgery is a reasonable way to redress that mistake. I think it probable that when anyone, male or female, says they "feel" like a womon or a man they are actually saying that what they feel corresponds with feminine or masculine sex roles. I think the world and all individuals are better served by the elimination of masculinity and femininity than by the surgical and chemical mutilation of healthy bodies in an attempt to conform to them. Feminism’s response to those who find their assigned sex roles limiting or just a bad fit is that all human characteristics are properly available to all individuals regardless of physical sex.

Womyn only space is time and place where the welfare of the class of womyn and its core constituents, females who were raised as girls and perceive themselves as womyn, are the primary concern. In this space the desires of others are secondary. If even one womon’s perception of safety from male violence is diminished by the presence of individuals who are or were or claim to be members of the class of men, those individuals should be excluded. If any womyn find it easier to try new things or to explore their lives without the presence of non-womyn, that should be allowed.

[ahmeddkm]

Writing Initiative #7

What have you learned about yourself doing this self-directed assignment?

I've learned so much from these courses! Going through all the assignments really put me through a rollercoaster of emotions, but it's helped me level up my creativity. I gotta say, I enjoyed documenting my progress on Tumblr - it made the whole process more fun. One thing I learned is how to research my topics better and ask myself the right questions. Like, what's the end goal here, and how do I get there? It's been super helpful in making my work more effective.

What did you find to be the most difficult aspect of your chosen assignment? Creativity? Research? Connecting design to research? Craft? Organizational skills? Time management? Something else entirely?

Out of all the challenges I faced during my assignment, the biggest obstacle was the word itself - farrago. It means a confused mixture, which can be interpreted in so many different ways without any specific rules or guidelines. Personally, I find it difficult to create something without a clear goal or direction. I prefer assignments that involve researching and creating something based on a specific vision. But I suppose that's just part of the learning process, right? Learning to create something out of a seemingly disorganized mess is a valuable skill in and of itself. It just took a bit of extra effort on my part to overcome this particular hurdle.

What did you enjoy about this opportunity?

There were so many aspects of this opportunity that I truly enjoyed. First and foremost, seeing the final outcome of the assignment was incredibly satisfying. It's always a great feeling to see your hard work pay off in such a tangible way. Additionally, I really enjoyed the presentation aspect of the opportunity. Being able to share my ideas and showcase what I had accomplished was a great experience. All in all, I'm extremely happy that I had the chance to be a part of this class. It was an amazing opportunity that I will always cherish.

How would you rate your performance over the course of the semester?

Looking back on my projects, I'm really proud of the work I accomplished. I was able to explore so many different ways of creating confusion through various mediums, including 3D, 2D, and even 4D. It was an incredible learning experience to be able to experiment with so many different techniques and see how they can be used to convey a certain message or feeling. Additionally, I'm very happy with the reflective piece I created. It's always rewarding to see your personal growth and progress reflected in your work.

Overall I would give myself an 18/20 rating.

What would you do differently now that you've had this opportunity to work this way?

I really like the idea of collaborating with AI to work on the reflective piece, but If I had more time, I would like to make a book filled with process work done in such a confusing way.

A word from me

Hi Paul! I just wanted to express my gratitude for the unique and interesting way that you structure your assignments. In the past, I've had professors assign work that didn't really resonate with me or that I didn't find particularly engaging, but your approach was refreshing and inspiring. Additionally, I really appreciated your cool attitude toward each student in the class. It helped to alleviate some of the stress and allowed me to fully enjoy the learning experience.

I always like to reflect on what I've learned and how it has impacted my creative process and designs as a whole. I have to admit that I lost the "have fun" aspect of creating posters or any 3D piece a while ago, but you reignited that passion in me. Your critiques, ideas, and stories were so helpful and inspiring, and I am deeply thankful for your guidance throughout the class. You are definitely going down as one of my favourite professors at OCAD.

I wish you a great summer, and I hope our paths cross again soon!

[8biteric]

Last year with your help I raised over $500 to raise funds for kids at my local children's hospital. Couldn’t do it without you. An honor to receive a silver medal. @extralife4kids Hey there! I am excited to share that I am participating in Extra-Life for the sixth year in a row. For those who are not familiar, Extra Life is an incredible fundraising program that supports Children's Miracle Network Hospitals®. The goal is to change kids’ health to change the future, and the donations we raise go towards critical treatments, healthcare services, research, medical equipment, and child life services. This cause means the world to me, especially since my family and friends have been impacted by cancer multiple times throughout the years. I truly believe that no child should have to suffer, and I have hope that one day cancer will be fully cured through the collective efforts of everyone. That is why I feel so passionate about Extra-Life; it is a great opportunity for gamers like you and me to make a difference and help sick children. For the 2023 event, I have set a personal goal to become the top fundraiser for the Children's Hospital of San Antonio. Last year, we received a silver medal for raising over $500, and this year, I am aiming to hit the $2000 mark. However, I cannot do this alone, and I would be so grateful if you could help me reach my goal by making a donation. Together, we can help these children receive the care and treatments they need to overcome their illnesses and lead healthy, happy lives. Every little bit helps, and I appreciate any support you can offer towards this important cause. Thank you for considering and let's do this for the kids! How It Works - Now, more than ever, local Children's Miracle Network Hospitals need our help. - I'm uniting with thousands of gamers to play games and change kids' health to change the future. - Donations through this page stay at my local children's hospital. Your donation is tax-deductible and will make miracles happen for families who desperately need them. Simply click the "Donate" button at the top of this page to help. https://ift.tt/1pRFnyu — view on Instagram https://ift.tt/UbHoyke