#socrates commands you

[breannasfluff]

Shadow: I find it very unseemly of Vio to start dating again. Isn't the customary period of mourning 10 years? Blue: Die. Let's find out.

-----

Blue: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something! Green: You left me, Red, Vio, and Shadow in a Walmart parking lot at 2 am a day ago. Blue: I did that on purpose, try again.

-----

Shadow: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed off the souls of the living I strike fear into- Vio, not looking up from his book: You sleep with a teddy bear. Shadow: He’s my sECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!

-----

Vio: And what did we learn, Shadow? Shadow: Tackling someone isn’t the correct response to being asked a simple question.

-----

Green: The best part of an Oreo is the cookie part, not the frosting. Deal with it. Vio: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side. Blue: YO SOCRATES! IT'S A F***ING COOKIE!

-----

Shadow, to the Colors: If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! *silence* Shadow: Damn, y’all depressed as f***! Blue: You didn’t clap either- Shadow: SHUT UP!

-----

Shadow: I think I need a hug… Red: Good thing I'm hug-shaped! *45 minutes later* Shadow: You... you can let go now. Red: No, I absolutely cannot.

-----

It's been too long and I've been saving...

Be prepared.

Lots of four swords this time!

[jackoshadows]

How is Jon Snow ‘idealistic’?

He’s one of the most pragmatic Starks in the books, which is something considering he is only 14/15 when the story starts. There’s a reason Maester Luwin tells Jon that ‘bastards grow up faster than other children’.

It’s Jon Snow who stays up at night worrying over his future and not any of the responsible adults, because he knows the realities of being a bastard. It’s Jon who makes the hard decision to go to the Wall because he has no place at Winterfell, not Ned or Benjen. Ned refuses to deal with this until Catelyn forces his hand.

 It’s Jon who explains the unfair rules to Arya about the difference between Robb and Bran practicing in the courtyard with the prince while Jon sits it out. It’s Jon who reassures Arya when she goes to him afraid that she too is a bastard. It’s Jon who leaves his name out so that the other Stark kids can get a direwolf.

Yes, Jon does not know how much the Night’s Watch has fallen as an institution in terms of it’s members now being outlaws, rapists and murderers. That’s because no one tells him the truth and not because he believes in songs and fairy tales. Benjen only tells him that it’s a hard, tough life with life long celibacy and not about it’s current status as a penal colony.

That’s why Jon ends up appreciating Tyrion Lannister as a friend, because Tyrion is the only person who does tell Jon the truth. That’s why Jon is hurt, that his own father send him to the Wall without telling him what the Wall has now become and then giving him a choice.

[Note: In fairness to Ned and Benjen, they both probably still think it a great honor to be a brother of the Night’s Watch. Like all the Starks before them they hold the Night’s Watch up as this important historical institution that has to be honored and then fail to actually support it in terms of funding and manpower]

Jon not recognizing that his fellow peers don’t have his education at the start of AGoT? That’s not idealism. That’s him not recognizing his privilege. At Winterfell he’s the bastard compared to his Stark siblings, always judged as less than them by nature of his birth. It’s only once he gets to the Wall that he realizes, with Donal Noye’s help, he has had it better than the other new recruits.

Jon wanting to be a ranger? That’s ambition, that’s self-confidence. Notice how after Sam Tarly explains that being a steward intern meant being groomed for leadership, Jon is immediately accepting of the decision.

Jon being angry and bitter at the unfairness of his world is not idealistic. Being angry about inequality and only being able to imagine a fairer world in dreams is the opposite of idealistic.

Jon’s not trying to end world hunger or trying to legitimize all bastards or set about righting all the wrongs of Westeros. He’s trying to do the best he can at world’s end on a little patch of land called the Night’s Watch for his fellow crows and freefolk there.

When Jon sends out the paper shields to the Crown in KL, he is angry and cynical and knows they will not send him any help. He is cynical about goodness and integrity which is clear from his interactions with his deputies at the Wall.

If anything, Jon Snow is ruthlessly pragmatic. Whether it’s taking child hostages, or telling the Freefolk that they will only get more food if they work for it or hiring spearwives to defend an entire castle or taking on Satin as his steward because he is good at it or using Wun Wun to rebuild or doing actual science experiments, all his decisions are immensely practical - which is why 99% of his policies keeps clashing with the outdated dogma of the likes of Bowen Marsh and Septon Cellador. 

‘You Know Nothing’ is a play on Socrates ‘I know that I know nothing’, an acknowledgement that he has yet to learn a lot despite being Lord Commander. The people he holds in high esteem are the likes of Donal Noye, Maester Aemon, Qhorin Halfhand and Samwell Tarly. 

It is true that all the Stark children growing up in the relative safety and comfort of home and family have lofty ideals as children. That’s the innocence of children. And then they grow up. This quote encapsulates that:

When Jon had been a boy at Winterfell, his hero had been the Young Dragon, the boy king who had conquered Dorne at the age of fourteen. Despite his bastard birth, or perhaps because of it, Jon Snow had dreamed of leading men to glory just as King Daeron had, of growing up to be a conqueror. Now he was a man grown and the Wall was his, yet all he had were doubts. He could not even seem to conquer those. - Jon, ADwD

Jon Snow is keenly aware of how hard his job is in terms of actually being able to help people. Idealistic is not a word I would use to describe him.

[misscryptidart]

"- so when you cast the Commander from the Command Zone, they're abilities are now active and they can be used as long as they don't have summoning sickness. For your commander's abilities in particular, I would most likely use it in a Control deck, where I - as a player- have more influence on the board state than someone who would utalise more phase - based mechanics... hey, you good bro?"

Socrates, still trying to comprehend the existance and implications of a late 21st century time traveler who used unbelievable technology to travel back in time so that they can explain some carboard game where his most impactful effect on philosophy is a tap ability-

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

Yesterday would have been the 103rd birthday of the Jesuit priest and poet and social activist Daniel Berrigan, SJ. , who died at 94. His life was almost too full to be summarized. Instead here is a list of his

"Ten Commandments for the Long Haul," written in his typically prophetic and poetic style. (Thanks to Jim Forest for this photo of Dan.)

"Ten Commandments for the Long Haul"

1) Call on Jesus when all else fails. Call on Him when all else succeeds (except that never happens).

2) Don't be afraid to be afraid or appalled to be appalled. How do you think the trees feel these days, or the whales, or, for that matter, most humans?

3) Keep your soul to yourself. Soul is a possession worth paying for, they're growing rarer. Learn from monks, (and Sufis) they have secrets worth knowing.

4) About practically everything in the world, there's nothing you can do. This is Socratic wisdom. However, about of few things you can do something. Do it, with a good heart.

5) On a long drive, there's bound to be a dull stretch or two. Don't go anywhere with someone who expects you to be interesting all the time. And don't be hard on your fellow travelers. Try to smile after a coffee stop.

(And stop frequently to stretch)

6) Practically no one has the stomach to love you, if you don't love yourself. They just endure. So do you. (Most folks don’t love themselves enough. A good partner can remind you how)

7) About healing: The gospels tell us that this was Jesus' specialty and he was heard to say: "Take up your couch and walk!" your (deep gentle breaths help everything)

8) When traveling on an airplane, watch the movie, but don't use the earphones. Then you'll be able to see what's going on, but not understand what's happening, and so you'll feel right at home, little different then you do on the ground. (Ha ha ha)

9) Know that sometimes the only writing material you have is your own blood. (Hmmm)

10) Start with the impossible. Proceed calmly towards the improbable. No worry, there are at least five exits. (Have goals)

--Daniel Berrigan, SJ

"We pour our blood at G.E. to proclaim the sin of mass destruction. In the words of my brother Daniel, we are confronting the 'spiritually insane.' Confronting not with mere words but through symbols. Our blood confronts the irrational, makes megadeath concrete, summons the warmakers to their senses."

Philip Berrigan, Fighting the Lamb's War: Skirmishes with the American Empire

[via Leila L'Abate]

[aevallare]

tagged by @anosrepasi!!! i am only doing this for my main fandom account because the other one is between me and god <3

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

66

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

802,941

3) What fandoms do you write for?

currently bg3 is everything all the time. i've also written for mass effect, arcane, league of legends, dragon age, legend of zelda, fallout, kingdom hearts, stardew valley, and genshin impact

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1 - kindred (baldur's gate 3 - astarion/f!tav)

2 - insinuations (arcane - jayce/viktor)

3 - doctrine (arcane - jayce/viktor)

4 - celestial (arcane - jayce/viktor)

5. a sycophantic, prophetic, socratic junkie wannabe (fallout - deacon/f!sole survivor)

5) Do you respond to comments?

when i can!! i'm posting three multi-chapter fics simultaneously so it doesn't always work out lol

6) What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

treason (fallout 4 - deacon/f!sole survivor) - sorry deacon lmao.

7) What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i mostly write happy endings, but i think the happiest is probably doctrine because arcane s1 ended so sad that mine looks like a fairytale lol.

8) Do you get hate on fics?

haha

9) Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yeah. what kind don't i write at this point

10) Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

not really

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i've had whole fics stolen and concepts plagiarized

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes!

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes!! i've co-written with @caspercryptid and @the-neon-pineapple in the past and i hope to link up with both them and @dishsaop in the future. i will also be giving astarion TWO weed-smoking girlfriends with @again-please :3

14) What’s your all time favorite ship?

never ask me this question again

15) What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i finish every fic i start nowadays

16) What are your writing strengths?

sheer word count lmfao

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

smut is by far the weakest part of my writing i think though it's been getting better since i've trial-by-fired myself with the white boy of the century

18) Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i did it in sycophantic a fair amount because clara is danish but i also speak danish fluently. astarion also speaks elvish sometimes in kindred but it's purposefully not understandable.

19) First fandom you wrote for?

fullmetal alchemist or naruto

20) Favorite fic you’ve written?

every fic i've ever written is my favorite i shan't choose between my children (i love you pour one out)

i'll taaaaag @dwarfsized @again-please @caspercryptid @the-neon-pineapple @p-inkbrush @commander-krios @kittenintheden and @cursedhaglette <3

[cool-superwolfycat-posts]

HEADCANNON TIME FOR DEVIL THEORY!!

Imma start with them entirely then one by one! LETSGOOOO

*they all had the idea of becoming a gang after seeing the big three do their thing (before the big three broke up)

*they all live together in a big apartment inland, they all pay rent but most of them sleep around the pyramid

*they chose to use onis as their looks cuse all of them are giant nerd (sun most as he was adopted by an Asian family)

*they have made themselves law enforcers for the streets before DJ cyber did, they got banished after they confronted DJ Cyber about his suppose killing of felix (rumors by faux)

*for a side job they foster kittens (they have two cats of their own named Lu-Lu and Professor K)

*they all work at the pyramid so their banishment just made them work more XD

*all of them got mechanical legs cuse of Big devil losing them from a work accident and sun making the great idea of all of them losing their legs to make him feel better (it did make big devil feel better but he was so mad)

*All of their bad rep is from Sun as he is the most short tempered out of all of them

*for age it goes Big devil, Pluto, Lil devil and then Sun

*none can take a complement from anyone, if you do be prepared for a curse word and them booking it

*after losing their legs they had a hard time controlling how strong their legs where for months, but now they can kick people into next Tuesday with how hard it is now

*after the faux Project Algo incident Big devil was put into critical condition in a hospital as he was the one thrown, it really messed up the devil theory moral (mostly to pluto as hes the leader)

ok time for them individually

Pluto! *he was given the status as leader from beating Big devil in a point fight around the pyramid

*under all that brooding and seriousness he is a goofball

*he use to use inline skates before losing his legs, but now he skateboards as its easier on him

*his family is from Mexico so he will and can scream in spanish at you if pissed off enough

*has bad posture but is getting it fixed by the others yelling ay him

*he sneaks to the millennium mall to meet up with someone ALOT (i ship pluto with Cue from DOTexe)

*after the Project Algo incident he went to cyber to personally say sorry to him for the entire Devil theory gang, Cyber did forgive them as he knew they arent all bad

Big Devil (Aristotle) *he takes second in command as he knows Pluto need it

*does have heterochromia (but tents to hide it with a brown contact)

*he is like the dad of the group keeping them all together

*Big devil never really liked his name so he kept his nickname devil for everyones sake

*Never like Faux or how the cops worked but only followed as pluto said to

*he was friends with eight ball from DOTexe before the sniper incident, now he goes to where they hung out once to think of memories

*Hes taught all of the Devil theory members how to use their spray paints well, so they arent covered in paint all the time

*hes the real scary one out of all of them but hides it under alot of chill vibes

Lil Devil!(Socrates) *Him and Big devil are both brothers (blood brothers)

*Lil is known to join chaos if their is any, will stop it after the others come over

*lil is known to tattle on the others to Big devil if need be

*lil has copied his older brother alot and will do it by reaction now as they done it for the longest time

*may be the second youngest but acts alot like big devil if need be, he has yelled at people older then him for doing dumb things

*him and big are both from new Amsterdam, so they got the ropes

*He has on many times chose to kick people if they didnt listen to him to show what their dealing with

*He was the one to name professor K and never regretted it

*became even more short tempered after Big devil went into the hospital after project Algo

and finally Sun!!

*Sun was raised with their sister(shes part of futurisum) by an Asian family so they tend to do things by the book somewhat

*Sun had made all of the devil theorys outfits in a wild spree of inspiration and maybe 10 monster drinks, they are mostly made of metal to protect them from bullets

*Is the one most people think of when the words Devil theory are spoken as he is a short tempered lil dog who can and will bite

*Has a degree in engineering but never really uses it unless its for modifications on DT's legs

*has alot of old games stashed in their apartment and will not let anyone touch them, they are his babies and he will tell you so

*before joining the Devil theorys he had a way worse temper and ran away from his family cuse of it, he now thinks of Devil theory as his family now

*Sun has once bitten and torn someones flesh from being really mad, one of the main reason they were banished

*Pluto loves calling sun the nickname Sunny just to mess with him and so he gave pluto the nickname dwarf planet

[sugaroto]

Since I have polls, that means GREEK SEXYMAN OF TUMBLR can begin

If you're not greek don't worry! You can vote too, I plan on putting photos next to each person so you can vote based on the vibes and their descriptions

First of all, here they are, the candidates

Gabriel vs Hermes (TV show: Ουκ αν λαβοις πάρα του μη έχοντος/ You can't take from the one who doesn't have)

Christopher Papakaliatis (actor/screenwriter) vs Lazaros (TV show: Είσαι το ταίρι μου/You are my match)

Deligiannis (old politician) Vs Aris Pavrinos (Fictional politician TV show: Πάρα πέντε/At the nick of time)

Andreas (TV show: Πάρα πέντε/At the nick of time) vs Gerasimos Skiaderesis (actor)

Jose (Σάββατογεννημένες /Women-born -on-Saturday) vs Menippos (Ουκ αν λαβοις πάρα του μη έχοντος/ You can't take from the one who doesn't have)

2J (YouTuber) Vs Mpezos (actor)

Antonis (Maestro in blue) vs Evaggelatos (News)

Venizelos (old politician) vs Konstantinos Emmanuel (influencer?)

George Theofanous (musician?idk someone recommended him) vs Sakis Tanimanidis(presenter)

Sakis Rouvas (singer) vs Manthos Foustanos (Konstantinou and Eleni's)

Thiramenes (ancient politician) vs Antonis Kanakis (presenter)

Ntanos (old survivor player) vs Paris Skartsolias (actor)

Charos(Ουκ αν λαβοις πάρα του μη έχοντος/ You can't take from the one who doesn't have) vs Eponimos (YouTuber)

Marios (survivor player) Charis Romas (actor)

Periandros Popotas (Το καφέ της Χαράς/Charas's Cafe) vs Socrates (Philosopher)

Fotis (Ευτυχισμένοι μαζί/ Happy together) Vs Alexis Kostalas (art presenter? Idk)

Fatseas (Tο καφέ της Χαράς/Charas's Cafe) vs Sportacus (Lazy town)

Trikoupis (old politician) vs Sotiris (Eίσαι το ταίρι μου/You are my match)

Giannis Chatzigeorgiou (actor) vs Spyros (Ευτυχισμένοι μαζί/ Happy together)

Dionysis Atzarakis (comedian) vs Aristotle (philosopher)

Konstantinos Katakouzinos (Konstantinou and Eleni's) vs Maraveyias (singer)

Lambros Fisfis (Comedian) vs Samuel Toci (influencer)

Platon (Philosopher) vs Makis (Ευτυχισμένοι μαζί/ Happy together)

Ex King Of Greece Konstantinos vs Mouzourakis (singer)

Giorgos Kapoutzidis (GodActor) vs Petretzikis (chef)

Karagiozis (Main character, barbie but poor) vs Mitsotakis (president)

Tsipras (ex president) vs Kolokotronis (commander/soldier idk)

The posts with each poll will have more descriptions

I'll pin this post, and update it each time with the results

Questions

[kebriones]

You always find the lines where Alcibiades is trying to have a conversation with socrates like socrstres is the dom of the conversation and he's both leading the conversation and bimbofying Alcibiades

THAT'S WHAT THE ENTIRE DIALOGUE FEELS LIKE I SWEAR

"You shall be my master" shut up Alcibiades

And it's not just in this one, in the symposium too Alcibiades is saying how he wants to do whatever Socrates commands.

[klm-zoflorr]

Are you done with those incorrect quotes? I know i'm not! Part 10!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Levi, after visiting Hange's house: Your house is haunted

Hange: Wait, what? Why?

Levi: You live there

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Floch (about Zeke): Something's not right about him.

Eren: Oh really, what gave him away? The creepy laugh or the evil music?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: Hmph. I was expecting a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed...

Zeke: Your mom suck me good and hard thru my jorts

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: Hmph. The reckless swing of the sword may often be more deadly than the refined stroke of the pen...

Hange: Shut up nerd

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: Based? Based on what?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Grisha: *nudging Zeke* that should've been you

Zeke: Not now Dad

Grisha: Not asking for a Graphic Designer to help, are they?

Zeke: Dad, there's a medical emergency happening right now

Grisha: Why don't you save him as a PDF & see if that helps

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: Dad, what's a forklift?

Grisha: Food, usually.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: I'm bored

Ymir: You could kiss me.

Ymir: Just sayin'

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Levi: You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of the river.

Hange: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD’d in their own pool. Big difference.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: By default, my favorite way to win!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems.

Gabi: Pick one person you hate and blame them for everything.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Marcel: As your brother and best friend-

Porco: Pieck is my best friend.

Marcel, holding a knife: As your bestest of friends-

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Levi: I love you

Hange: -Sorry what was that?

Levi: I SAID, I'm selling you to the ZOO.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha: Hey, I just had a thought-...

Gabi: Your parents are gonna be so proud

(Boo. She killed her for the second time!)

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Levi: Do you understand the plan?

Hange, confidently: Yes!

*Levi leaves them*

Hange, turning to the others: Did anyone understan-

Reiner: No

Mikasa: No

Commander Magath: No

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Armin: We need to figure out where Eren took Zeke. If you were him, where would you go?

Hange: Strip club

Mikasa: Titan killing seminar

Hange: Bar

Mikasa: Therapy

Hange: Strip club

Mikasa: Dude you already said that. Why would Eren take his brother to a strip club?

Hange: For the free buffet!

Pieck, pipping in: It is, in any case, very likely that Zeke would take Eren to a strip club. And not just for the free buffet!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning

Pieck:

Porco: GROSS.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: The best part of an oreo is the cookie part, not the frosting. Deal with it.

Marcel: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side.

Porco: YO SOCRATES! IT'S A FUCKING COOKIE!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke flirting: You can call me what you like, but you should call me yours ;)

Eren flirting: Lets eat the foam from the headrest together

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: Not to brag or anything but there's no limit to the amount of mass destruction I'm willing to go through with

Levi: See, this is why nobody likes you

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

14 yo Pieck: I think I have a crush on Zeke

Porco: Zeke as in Zeke Yaeger?

Pieck: Yes. Thoughts?

Porco: And prayers girl, fucking hell

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Eren in Paths, barely concealing Ymir Fritz behind himself*

Zeke: Uhhh, watcha got there?

Eren, also holding a smoothie: A smoothie

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: Have I ever told you how much I love and respect you?

Reiner: We are not stopping at McDonald’s.

Gabi: This is BULLSHIT

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Erwin: Who's the strongest out of your training corps?

Jean: Mikasa

Annie: Mikasa

Eren: Mikasa

Mikasa: Me

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Gabi looking for something under her bed*

Gabi, pulling out a twenty: Aww, $20. I wanted a peanut!

Pieck: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.

Gabi: Explain how

Pieck: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck, picking up the phone: 911 what's your emergency

Pieck: What do you mean you're being murdered?

Pieck: That's illegal people can't do that

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Commander Magath: *talking about one of their targets for the mission*

Porco, flicking Zeke awake: Hey, it's an important debriefing, pay attention!

Zeke: I don't care about the lore of this idiot

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: *Kicks open the door* PUPPETS!

Levi, looking straight at the camera: And so begins another conversation that will test the limits of my sanity.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Mikasa standing in the middle of a dozen Yaegerists, all knocked out or otherwise killed*

Floch, having just arrived on the scene: I should call the alarm for this but honestly that's kinda hot

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: PORCO YOU BITCH! GET IN HERE!

Porco: Wha?

Zeke: *points to trashcan* What’s THIS?

Porco: Uh, my leftover fries.

Zeke: Mhm, yes. And WHY are they in the fucking trash can?!

Porco: Cuz I was done?

Zeke: OH PLEASE. IT’S LIKE YOU DONT KNOW ME. I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT.

Porco: OH YEAH, YOU SON OF A BITCH?!

Zeke: YEAH. AND I AM A SON OF A BITCH, FOR THE FUCKING RECORD.

Gabi, screaming too: I WANNA JOIN YOUR FUCKING CUSS CONTEST!

Reiner: >:(

Porco: >:(

Commander Magath: >:(

Zeke: *proud*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner, exasperated: Do you just like arguing for arguing's sake?

Sasha, who has been arguing multiple contradictory points: no!?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: I missed you

Falco: It's been, like, an hour.

Gabi: Tell me about it!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie: YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME!

Armin: Wh-

Annie: YOU’RE ESSENTIAL TO MY EXISTENCE!

Armin: Why are you screaming?!

Annie: I HAVE DIFFICULTY EXPRESSING MYSELF! IT HELPS TO SAY SENTIMENTAL THINGS IN AN AGGRESSIVE TONE!

Armin:

Annie: I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Armin: The Ocean is a Soup.

Eren:

Eren: Do elaborate.

Armin: What are needed for something to be a soup?

Eren: Erm... Water, salt, some form of vegetables, and personally I prefer some meat in mine.

Armin: *nods along*

Eren: The Ocean is a Soup.

Armin: The Ocean is a Soup.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: *screams in rage so hard he tears his own vocal chords*

Mikasa: *gets caught up in the Killing and Maiming and then slips and falls in a blood puddle*

Armin, tearing up: You two are so perfect for each other. Please never get anyone else involved.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: Where's Eren?

Reiner: Don't worry, I'll find him

Reiner, shouting: MIKASA SUCKS!!

Eren, in the distance: WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT

Reiner: found him.

Mikasa: I should be offended, but honestly I'm kinda impressed

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Commander Magath: Did you take out Queen Historia as I requested?

Reiner: Queen Historia has been taken out, yes.

Commander Magath: Great jo-

Reiner: It was a great restaurant.

Reiner: We had a romantic candlelit dinner.

Reiner: I proposed afterwards- we’re filing the wedding papers.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke, He's Also There For Some Reason: So do I have to give you the shovel talk now?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha: Appartment "complex"? I actually find it quite simple.

Gabi: And that's why you deserved to get shot.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: Dad I'm hungry

Grisha: Hi Hungry I'm Dad

Mikasa: Stop that! It's been 10 hours, I'm not joking!

Grisha: Well no, you're Hungry!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Marcel: We got the torture labyrinth tomorrow

Annie: What?

Marcel: We gotta get tortured for eternity tomorrow

Annie: Ohhhh

Annie: Okay

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha: How do I make my date with Niccolo romantic?

Connie: I don't know, try being mysterious?

*Later*

Niccolo: So, where are we going?

Sasha: None of your fucking business.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?

Mikasa: Nope, absolutely not.

Zeke: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.

Connie: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.

Annie: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.

Porco: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: Am I in trouble?

Erwin: I'm gonna give you three guesses, Hange.

Hange: No!

Erwin:

Hange: No?

Erwin:

Hange: ...No?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Levi: You tried to make the trainees go "explore" into Bean's throat "for science", for God's sake. What could possibly make you think you're not in trouble?!

Hange: Hey! They probably wouldn't have died! Moblit was holding the rope real tight!

Levi: How much time has that poor kid been assigned to you for, too? At this point I'm wondering if he's a masochist or has just worked retail before.

Hange:

Levi: In any case, he probably shouldn't be allowed to continue. But hey, we're a bit too understaffed to care. Send him my condoleances when he inevitably goes insane.

Hange: You're not even gonna bother to do it yourself?

Levi: No.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Levi: They're re-running "Hell's Kitchen" episodes on Sundays

Levi: Consider me booked for the foreseeable future

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke, lying: Why would I lie

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Porco, trying to find out who to advise they send as a negociator: Is Zeke even good with his tongue?

Pieck: *raising her eyebrows very unequivocally*

Porco: Put those back down! Okay, I get it.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: Is she stupid?

Connie: Yes, but she prefers to be called Sasha.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: Customer spilt pickle juice on the floor today

Eren: HOW

Eren: YOU WORK AT AN ART STORE

Mikasa: She brought her own

Eren: WHAT

Hange: *sipping her pickle juice while watching tv* My spidey sense is tingling.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: It's ok to ask for help

Armin: You're not a burden

Annie: Murder is okay

Reiner: Your feelings matter

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*15+ years into the future*

Unknown number: I'm moving and found a black machete under my bed. Is it yours?

Gabi: Who is this?

Zofia: Zofia, from military school

Gabi: Bro I ain't even talked to you in 6 years and this is how you get in touch 💀

Zofia: Well you're the only person I can think of that might leave a machete at my house

Gabi: Wait is it a Ka-bar?

Zofia: Hold on i'll check

Zofia: Yes.

Gabi: Okay yeah that's mine

Gabi: How have you not looked under your bed in six years??

Zofia: I feel like that's really not the most important question here

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Marcel: Any advice before we go to the Devils' island, War Chief?

Zeke: Don’t wet yourself in public.

Marcel: Not the kind of advice I was looking for!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Armin: Try to see things from Historia's perspective. She must be really heartbroken by you leaving her.

Eren: From her perspective?

Eren: *crouches down*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Niccolo: I got you shrimp fried rice!

Sasha:

Sasha: You're telling me a shrimp fried this rice?!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: Did Falco just tell me he loves me ?

Colt: Yeah, he did.

Gabi: And did I just do finger guns back?

Colt: Yeah, you did.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Gabi has failed something*

Levi: What happened?

Gabi, tearing up: I don't know...

Levi: Don't worry, don't worry, look, I'm here to help you. Please don't get upset. Hey! Don't worry!

*The 104th have failed their mission*

Levi: Listen, listen, listen, LISTEN.

Levi, pointing at Jean: Fuck off.

Levi, pointing at Sasha: Fuck off

Levi, pointing at Mikasa: You're on thin fucking ice.

Levi, pointing at Reiner: Fuck off!

Levi, pointing at Eren: Fuck off!!

Levi: *To all* GET OUT!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: Not knowing about Greek Mythology is my Achilles' Horse.

Armin, visibly shaking: Eren.

Eren: Uh oh, I've really opened a Pandora's Labyrinth here haven't I

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Professor Smith: Okay, who can answer Question 4?

Annie: 45

Mikasa: Ugh, I got 38

Professor Smith: What?

Sasha: I answered that the mitochondria was the powerhouse of the cell.

Connie: My answer was North America

Jean: North what?

Eren: Mine was this drawing of my childhood dog Tonny, who got tragically driven over by a cart at the tender age of 7 months old.

Professor Smith: This is a geology class.

Armin: And question 4 was a true or false question.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke, telling the story of the battle of Shiganshina: ...And then I escaped, unscathed!

Pieck: You were bleeding from so many parts of your body you were practically a cloud of steam.

Zeke: Okay, fine, I was a little scathed.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Sasha works as a McDonalds employee*

Colt, entering the store: Hello I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

Sasha: Sorry, we only take cash or credit.

Manager Magath: can i talk to you real quick

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Bertholt: You know small animals are more vicious than larger ones. it's because they have less room to bottle up their anger.

Reiner: Okay, good theory, give me one example.

Bertholt: Wasps, spiders…

Zeke: Annie

Annie, offended: Bitch!

Zeke: See!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Grisha: Listen, Mr Tough Guy, your fists aren’t gonna get you out of every problem.

Eren: I figured, so I got a knife.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: Yesterday, I overheard Gabi saying, “Are you sure this is a good idea?” and Zeke replying, “Trust me,” and I have never moved from one room to another so quickly in my life.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: Armin, this is Annie, the girl who kicked my ass into the dust yesterday. Annie, this is Armin, he's a nerd.

Armin: That's pretty.

Annie: What?

Armin: Your name, you have a pretty name

Eren: *snorts*

Armin: What? I said exactly what you told me to about girls, Eren!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Armin: I think I have a crush on Annie

Mikasa: *gasps*

Mikasa: Why am I gasping? I already knew that.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Court Magician (Hange wearing a fake mustache): I can make anything disappear

Historia: *holding cup* Do it to my tea

Hange: *waves hand* Done.

His oria: *holding cup* It didn't work

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Floch: I just... I’m terrible at expressing myself, ok?

Eren: Don’t worry, actions speak louder than words!

Floch: Yes, but my actions are also terrible.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: I don't think it's fair that women have an excuse, once a month, to act irrationally angry, when the rest of us have to keep it together all the time!

Annie: You're irrationally angry 365 days a year!

Zeke: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: Hey, she has a good point. Why are you always so god dang happy on the 29th of february?

Zeke: It's the anniversary of my parents' deportation.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha and Niccolo: *making out on the couch*

Niccolo: Wanna take this to the bedroom?

Sasha: Sure

*They get up*

Sasha: *starts lifting the couch*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: Eren, you're getting older now, it's time for you to start acting your own age.

Mikasa: *running past them* The floor is lava!

Zeke: *standing on the sofa* HAHA YOU LOSE EREN!

Eren: I just-

Grisha: *on top of the fridge* No, Eren, you know the rules. You lose.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Falco: *Throwing himself on Colt's bed, blushing* I have a crush

Colt: It's always a crush, never a job

Falco: I'm twelve??

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: Damn, this escape room is hard

Zeke: Eren? We're in jail.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Grisha: Can you boys believe this all started with a family dinner?

Zeke: Honestly, I'm better right here.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Colt: Where's Gabi?

Pieck: Doing stuff.

Colt: Don't like the sound of that. Reiner?

Pieck: Trying to stop her from doing stuff.

Colt: What about Falco?

Pieck: Stopping Reiner from stopping Gabi.

Colt: ... you?

Pieck: I'm distracting you so you don't try to stop Falco.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: You’re giving me a sticker?

Hange: Not just any sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying, “me-WOW”

Eren: I am not a preschooler.

Hange: Fine, I'll take it back then.

Eren, practically hissing: I earned this. back off.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: What day is today?

Pieck: It's our marriage anniversary.

Zeke: Wrong answer!

Pieck: *sigh* It's the day during which we remember that we are the best couple out there.

Zeke: We are!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: Pieck, how do I get revenge on my enemies?

Pieck: The best revenge is letting go and living your life to the fullest.

Gabi:...

Gabi: Annie how do I-

Annie: Brick.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Levi: Eren needs new clothes

Hange: What’s wrong with the ones he has now? I bought them for him.

Levi: Yeah, exactly.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Eren and Zeke are fighting*

Pieck: Is someone going to stop them? They’re going to hurt each other!

Porco: I think they’re okay 

*Zeke slams Eren into the ground*

Porco: They’re fine 

*Eren putting Zeke in a chokehold*

Pieck: We need to stop them!

Porco: They’re fine, Pieck. This is how siblings fight.

*Zeke pulls out a knife*

Pieck: What the f-

*Eren bites his hand*

Porco: It’s normal for siblings to fight. Marcel once chased me with an axe 

Pieck: An axe??

Porco: Mhm. But that was only after I pushed him through a window 

Pieck:

Porco, defensively: It was on the first floor! He just sprained his ankle. 

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: Oh, and one last thing. Stay out of trouble!

Gabi: Not my strong suit.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Flight attendant: Now, before we take off, please ensure that all small items are secured.

Zeke: *looks over at Historia*

Historia: What?

Zeke, whispering: Do you feel safe?

Historia: I will hit you.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Commander Magath: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!

Connie: How else would you like me to mock you? I take requests.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: Maybe once, try to see things my way !

Levi: Well, your way is crazy. And illegal.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: Mom, help! There's a monster under my bed, and it's really ugly!

Reiner, on the bottom bunk: Hey!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Rod Reiss: No one loves me! :(

Historia:

Eren:

Alma:

The people who he ruled for years and did not help one iota:

The ghost of Frieda:

The ghost of Uri Reiss:

The ghost of his wife:

The ghost of Ymir Fritz:

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: When I was a kid, I tried to form a gang

Reiner: Wow, how did it go?

Pieck: It turned into a book club.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Bertholt: I heard you ask for cookies, so I made you some!

Annie: Well I'm not hungry anymore.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: I like to think of myself as a semi responsible adult.

Connie: Armin is 70% of your impulse control and you know this.

Armin: I feel like Mikasa is the more responsible one of us two though.

Mikasa: We are both 70% of each others' impulse control.

Armin: Just two lil beasts in pinwheel hats spinning on the merry-go-round at dangerous velocities, holding each other’s hands so the other doesn’t fall off.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: Saving the Eldians, freeing the world, this is such an important and difficult mission... Dad, what if I flop?

Grisha: Oh, my darling, what if you slay?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha, squinting: Armin, what are you doing?

Armin: Eating chocolate pudding

Sasha: It's four in the morning, why are you eating chocolate pudding?

Armin, hands shaking: Because I've lost control of my life

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Armin: I'll remind you that you too are up in the kitchen at 4 am. What are YOU doing here?

Sasha: I took a break from sleeping to get a snack.

Armin:

Sasha: I know what it looks like, but in my case that's just regular behavior. I get sad if I don't have my 3 am PB & J sandwich

Armin: It's 4 am

Sasha: Whatever. I've got a stomach, not a clock down there.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange, up too now: What are you guys doing up?

Armin, loudly: JESUS, can't a guy have a mental breakdown in PEACE?!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha, after Armin went to lock himself in the bathroom to scream away: So, what are you doing up that early?

Hange: *says something so absolutely, uniquely unhinged the author couldn't possibly dare to transcribe it to this here web page*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Connie: Defend my thesis? Like, with a sword?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: Yeah, some of my clothes are from my enemies.

Zeke: Sometimes you kill some bastard and then go, "Ooh those are some nice pants!"

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: If we grew up together, would we have snuck out?

Falco: I snuck out once for like 30 minutes. I got so scared that I ran back home and hid in bed.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: Have you ever not liked someone in a romantic way but everything is just so cool. I mean look at Ymir. She’s beautiful, talented, caring even when she doesn't say it and cool but I would never like her that way.

Ymir: *smiles softly at Historia*

Historia: Oh.

Historia: Oh no

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner, blinking: Bert, why are we lying on the ground?

Bertholt: You got beat up by Annie and knocked unconscious.

Bertholt: I laid next to you so people would think we were just chilling.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: Historia says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?

Ymir: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ymir: I don't "struggle with same-sex attraction", I'm actually very good at it.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Also Ymir: Need to kiss a girl or I'll die

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Yeah, Historia isn't really the kind to respond "I will hit you" to something someone said. But, you know? Maybe Zeke triggers some sort of Cain instinct in her. That makes total sense to me. The guy's very punchable.

Masterpost

Bonus of an alternative version of this one:

Yelena: We need to figure out where Levi took Zeke. If you were him, where would you go?

Floch: Strip club

Eren: Titan killing seminar

Floch: Bar

Eren: Cleaning personel convention

Floch: Strip club

Eren: Dude you already said that. Why would Levi take his arch-enemy to a strip club?

Floch: For the free buffet!

[aquicat]

The Trials of Mathurine (Les Essais de Mathurine Modern English Translation)

For more information of Mathurine de vallois please check the wiki.

In short, Mathurine was a court jester of France in the 1600s, she foiled an assassin, gave no fucks, and spend her free time writing hilarious political satire, apparently. So, without further ado, this is my translation of (what is thought to be) her writing:

When I consider my life, I find it seasoned with many useful moments. Albeit, the little children squark: “Aga! Mad Mathurine!” at me as I pass through the streets. They are right: It is true that I’m tainted by this disease: my senses can be rancid and my imagination becomes mouldy and dislocated. This came to me from a rifle shot I received to the head at a ballet of Caresme-prenant. Baste! 

Even if I am mad, there is one occasion I was able to seize so bravely that I am reminded of it more every year in the form of twenty and thirteen jacobus of rent, without counting the trick of the stick.

There are those who believe they are made of cloth, and there are also ‘clever people’ who are more foolish than I am a beast by half past seven. Consider (if you please) that I spend my time with cheer and without melancholy. If something turns me to boredom, I simply visit my good friend, who makes me eat his hissope [fragrant] soup - that’s as fat and bacon yellow as golden thread; and in the end I can fall back on my lecherous shield: “Until goodbye, Mathurine.” However, I am always ready for commands in the service of gallant men, whether in peace or war, at all hours. The armour of my costume is always in good condition as I often have it polished. This is with a whimple made for the occasion, as there are furred parts at the front.

By Jove! Tabarin makes more profit from two or three buffoonish questions, shitty riddles, or silly jokes than his master does with his holy, disease curing remedies because the world wants nothing more than to banter. [Quack doctors often had clowns travel with them, Tabarin is one such, and a famous one, I believe] So he ends with slapstick, so that people will remember him and want to return. 

The wisdom of this world is madness before God, which makes me hopeful that (in this country) I will be rewarded for double food, for I am doubly mad! If all the madmen and madwomen in Paris  wore cruppers, many would be walking around with their ass skinned, for there are all sorts of madmen, of all ages, qualities and sexes. But they are mad in the fashion that trots, and, as Master Guillame says:

Some are mad and others strange

As marvellous as beautiful angels

Brand new descended from heaven

And those are glorious madmen

There are qualities which are farce and serious; they carry proud arrogance. You would think, by the air pursing their lips like a new bride, that they were Socrates himself! Therefore, about this kind of madmen, Master Guillaume says: According to our good devout doctors, we call them wise fools.

And of course, they find nothing well done if they have not done it themselves. Lord give me faith if they noticed someone on someone. They’d set us to leaf through all the approaches of Aretinus father than find fault with theirs; perhaps they would like to inform against them, claiming that this one is not in fashion yet this one is. I am weary for this list of reproaches! Good people, we create in all fashions, and we have already achieved this quite well as there are more than fourteen jubilees. You other readers, have you heard of a certain jumble of pamphlets called ‘the Caquet de l’Accouchee? Doubtlessly you have, for more copies have been sold than of the familiar epistles, or oration of the saints.

A certain person presented me with a copy the other day, and reading it greatly heated me. Judging by the temper in its words, I immediately saw that it was written by another malcontent, who was above plundering no lip. These people have no wit to conduct themselves, and would wish to be given the world in their palm. It is pure ambition to envision oneself as one day canonized by Master Pierre du Coignet. But the chapter on Notre-Dame is full of the reformation of the priests who sing about the defeat of the Huguenots and death of the Grand Turk in the taverns. I’m sure you know well that the narrator of the Caquet is a fashionable fool. He says that he has been ill at the beginning of his litany - no doctor can tell, but he is in grave danger of death as he no longer knows what he is saying.

Whoever plays the chatterbox did not have a good influence on him, and he boasts about his heritage just as he does his mind. I think he may have gnawed, like a viper, at his mother’s stomach to get out had he not found the plughole at the base of the womb. Maybe she made him kiss her ass as he passed (which he found dirty at the time) and this is the reason he wants to take the whole female sex in his pocket? I heard Pierre Dupuy claim he is the bastard son of a Pasquin, yet I know nothing of him other than that he is known for his caquet and that he is considered the brother of Merlin of England. Notice, ladies, how he flirts about the street women, old young, puny, qualified, public and of all conditions who have not thought on his flirting any more than I have of being a soldier of Babylon.

Do you notice that he is like the monkey who pulls chestnuts out of the fire with the paw of the greyhound? I perceive that he would like all woman to be an echo of his stupidity, and charlantary the subject of his state reforms. For less than a hundred crowns, I will tell you some reasons.

For the first item, let us begin with the Isle du Palais [a prison on an island]. His curiosity made him approach Tabarin: “Are you ill?” Tabarin said. “Yes,” replied the chatterbox, “but my illness is not contagious, it is but of the mind.”

“I addressed myself to you with credit from your master, who is thought to know marvellous, marvellous things. And he was never stingy with his knowledge. You can look about whatever you want. But I will provide what you desire, I am no less a scholar than he,” he said boldly. “I would like, honest lord,” he said bravely, “if your benevolence obliges, to learn your means of telling the virginity, or lack of, of a girl. Because, besides avoiding being a cuckold, it would benefit me among company.”

Then Tabarin replied, “is that all? I will satisfy that desire - one must know these things before loving. Go to Cormier’s and have dinner prepared, and we will get better acquainted. In the mean time, I will ponder my most exquisite secrets, and will return to you in an hour.”

“I will wait for you there,” said the chatterbox.

“I will go and find you,” said Tabarin, “have the wine put to cool.” Both made it to the place, and dined deeply.

After dinner, Tabarin said, “sir, these are not day to day questions of the chaffaut. Moreover, all work requires pay, as I’m sure you know.”

“I know it well,” said the curious one, “so I beg you to put this couple of pistoles in your pocket.”

“Good,” said Tabarin, “listen… when you wish to know the virginity of a girl, put one of your hands on her cunt - do you hear me well? Then, at the same time, blow into her ass. If you feel the wind on your hand, she is undoubtedly pierced. And there, that’s for your money. Farewell, sir.”

It is one of Tabarin’s old tricks, which turned the man green again. And so the laughter remained refined. Nevertheless, he vowed to have revenge on the jester and affronter. That is one reason he is angry at women. 

The second reason is that (by Saint Barbara!) no one has cared to listen to him, or to make a point of his flirting except for an old picardy woman, who was going to shout the mustard. Still he could not enjoy it.

Also, it is a very empty defence. Jan Vouaire, though they say I am ugly and mad, I would not have lent him my ass to kiss. [some joke about Saint Fiacre that is beyond my translation capabilities]. Necessity has dragged him so low that he has made a profession of lending money, and was forced to approach all sorts of women of a fine sort, which he has now exchanged in the office of a pimp. You should have seen him going door to door like the pig of saint anthony! He asked the ladies authority, the damsels for courtesy, the presidents and mistresses of requests, counsellors, favours; to the lawyers council, to the clerks coppies, to the procurators care, to the clergywomen writing, to the solicitors diligence, to the financiers money, to the bourgeois lodging, to the merchants estoffs, to the bakers foüace, to the roasters flesh, to the tavern keepers wine, to the chambermaids service, to the artisans credit: on which was founded the strongest of all his hopes. But knowing himself doomed, he drank as if he were castrated…

Further, having introduced himself to an old woodswoman who’s got the reputation of having experience and knowing deep secrets of nature, who can tell you a good story property and finely draws the coin from the hands of the daft ones like him. Now he found himself lovesick to the third degree and resolved to seek help in this old woman and a pitiful place full of mortal sins, where he fell for almost the same trick that Tabarin had played on him. Upon entering, he greeted this nymph of Pluto, “my gossip, is it not obvious, from my face, that I am ill?”

“Yes,” she said, “I have a remedy for everything, except death. What is your illness? There are several. It’s not the plague, at least?"

“No,” he said.

“Well!” she said, “is there not a problem with the head, stomach, arms legs and all else?”

“No, my illness is worse than all that,” he said.

“I wish to withdraw from you,” she said.

“Don’t worry,” he said, “it is not contagious. How to say… it is a woman’s illness.”

“Is it,” she said, “an illness of the womb?”

“No,” he said, “I mean the illness is caused by women.”

“I see, so be it,” she said, “well, there are chancres, colts, pisse-chaude, pox, crystaline and other types too. What kind is your disease?”

“None of those, none of those,” he said, “no, the evil that works on me is love-sickness.”

“Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!” cried the Adade, “have courage! You will not die from it, and I’m the expert on that. Why, you have found the shoes to fit your foot: there is no one in the world quite like me; ready for anything, like a minister’s chambermaid, expert in the woman’s trade. I know how to erase freckles and wrinkles from the face; I make talcum oil to perfection, I know how to make a joint tighten so that a runner might be taken for a virgin.” In short, she showed him a multi tiered box full of ointments, on the lid of which was written:

The medicine here

Is good for curing urine

And for taming thrushes,

Mares cure farcin;

It makes many thefts,

It makes rebirths sing,

It makes young ladies crave love.

“Now… what you seek is another item. Let us speak softly… I have brought a certain little root from Egypt which will make you loved by the virgins. Is that not what you seek?”

“That is it,” said the man, “it would bring me great happiness if, by your means, I could experience this science and achieve my dreams!”

“You want to know, don’t you sir?” replied the woman, “I honour the archbishops; I do not walk in front of the cross.”

“So I understand, my friend,” said the chatterbox.

 Now, here is something to laugh at. “Yawn, sir: which one do you want? Tell me her name, and I will just force her to come and sleep with you.”

Our man, half ecstatic and rubbing his arms, names the woman to her. She begins to plot to take one of her comrades, hideous, deformed and capable of killing a delicate person, to his bed. He had his way with her, then, the next day (wanting to look upon his beautiful subject in the daylight) he was overcome with fear and shame, believing that it was Prosperpine.

He wanted to flee, but she followed him saying, “Pay me! Dear Lord! Is this how you thank the world after you’ve used it?”

And three!

Also, near the same time, the doctor promised him a certain drug to make him robust in the game of love. In effect, his prescription was sent to an apothecary, who made a grave mistake; for instead of giving him the correct medicine, he was given one ordered for one Franciscan for the purpose of releasing his belly. This was also given to his father-in-law, and they both found themself very astonished when the time of the medicine came. And, not knowing who to blame for his misfortune, our man raised his shield.

My mind turns when I think of this business, and I will go completely mad if he is not chastised like a true villain. Sus! Sus! Let every woman smear his face with cow dung! Let every girl spit on his moustache! And let them all curse him so many times that he can only defecate which whips and run from a beast the rest of his life! He is a villain, and knows not one secret of women: we are too wise as to babble in the way he says we do, not one of us is so foolish (if she had let the cat go to the cheese) to speak of it to even her closest confidant. Together, we keep this oath quiet; there is no young girl who would not rather do it twenty times than speak of it once. 

It would satisfy you to know that I have discovered the subject of the Chatterbox’s discontent: It was consulting and old Sibyl, whose tripod now serves to support my piss pot.

This makes me seem, when I want to, wiser than thirty-five Diogenes’ [philosopher]. Until goodbye! I cannot talk any longer on this; especially as Count Mansfeld [commander in reformation war] makes me lose my chatter. We must disperse all this chatter and leisure that influence this drunkard to hoax the women he drags around, for fear he will come to prevent the continuation of work in the hostel of my good friend - eat our melons and drink our wine. I will find out if he hasn’t returned from his trip to Notre Dame, and I will send you word by this same messenger.

Sanita et Guadaigne.

Read french the original here.

This was done with the help of google translate, though almost every sentence had to be re written, as (shocker) shoving middle french into a modern french translator does not tend to go very well!

[v-67]

I was studying Jurisprudence for my exam, and it's actually so interesting.

I mean I keep everything that I have to study for exams, but I do understand the concepts

The language I write in may not construct a guidelike answer, but atleast it makes me happy to know that I know the concept and the clarity regarding the concepts.

But anyways, back here

Jurisprudence is actually so much interesting.

So many theories, so many schools, felt like a pain in the ass while covering up the syllabus

But it's all genuinely so interesting.

Natural law school believes in divine law

Socrates, Plato, Aristotle were Greek philosophers who contributed to this theory

Socrates defined virtue, Plato introduced Doctrine of forms, Aristotle added more specifics to doctrine of forms while agreeing and disagreeing to some of the specifications made by Plato.

Analytical law school studies what is law and not what law ought to be

So many philosophers/jurists in this theory with their own different aspects.

John Austin : Gave the theory that : Laws are commands of the sovereign backed by sanction.

Jeremy Bentham : Utilitarian theory

H.L.A. Hart : Divided law into Primary and secondary rules

Hans Kelsen : pure theory of law, fun fact : Kelsen was also known as doubly pure because of his theory.

Historical school studies origin and development of law throughout the history.

Important Jurists : Savigny, Henry Maine

Sociological school studies sociological impact of law on society and how it affects a common individual.

Realist school.

Now this one.

It caught my attention because of how it's theory is.

One Scandinavian jurist talks about how Law is nothing but a psychological pressure created through times immemorial.

One such example is that when a classmate tells me that there's an exam tomorrow. It won't be taken as seriously as when the same information comes through the official notification of college.

Official notification in this context is one such example of psychological pressure in action.

It is rooted in the subconscious through history. This pressure created through history created a subconscious pressure to take official notifications, statutes, an authoritative body seriously, and to follow such laws or directions imposed by them.

Now, do you understand how crazy this is?

I mean it's really simple but it was something I never thought of.

We can connect this theory of psychological pressure to a lot of things. I'm a lot sleep deprived at the very moment, but if something comes to my mind, I'll write it down.

Because it's a topic that interests me, and it's so fun to think about it in regards to what more can it be?

One more Jurist tells us within this school, that The right you talk about exists only in metaphysical sense.

But if supposedly, I go to practice my right in court, I'll have to follow court's obligations.

But what if I don't follow court's obligations/ what If I couldn't follow it? Does that mean that I don't have a right?

And even after a case being heard by a judge, what if the ruling is not in our favor, does that mean we don't have rights?

Therefore as an example, Right can be considered as a metaphysical concept, for in that it never really exists in actuality.

This school focuses more on how law operates in the real world.

It also focuses on points such as, Judges are also humans and being a human, they can have bias, may it be conscious/subconscious

Therefore law studies how law is in real world and how it works and how is it applied and so on.

It concerns itself with reality of the law and world.

One example of Judges being humans and how it affects a law is that

Suppose a case arising dispute regarding abortion arises, and the judge is a Christian judge. In this case, the judge cannot give an order without some bias, as in Christianity abortion is not supported.

So my point was that Juris is really interesting, the theories are so complex and this question to define what law is and different ways to study it

Especially to study it since the ancient time, since the time of Socrates and still coming up with definitive meanings and theories and criticisms. I like it. It's complex I know, but it is that constant change and new way approach that keeps law changing, and accustoming new ways of thinking.

So yeah, loved it.

Cool theories.

[kendrixtermina]

Talking Style by Enneagram Type

I hadn’t put these on tumblr & it occurred to me that I probably should  

1: ‚Teacher-like‘ – sermons, lecture, life advice, evaluation, criticism, moralizing, matter-of-fact, straightforward, improvement suggestions, detail corrections, admonishing, enforcing rules, Voice of Truth(TM), expressing visceral disgust or outrage at bad deeds, lots of „shoulds“ and „oughts“, reminding of obligations, „thats not right/fair“, ultimatums and yes/no questions, focus on coming up with clear plans of action – they also ask advice & feedback more than other types.

2: friendliness, effusiveness, flattery, complimenting, personal, establishing rapport, supporting, checking on you, comforting, sympathizing, pitching in, offers, virtue-signalling, emphasized emotionality sometimes to the point of theatrics, giving advice sometimes to the point of seeming a bit pushy or bossy with it, laments on yours or a third person’s behalf, postive reinforcement, second person language

3: confident, professional, smooth, efficient, goal-focussed; self-presentation, mentions archievements, sucess stories & activities, what theyve been doing recently, promoting, boasting, motivating, encouraging, extolling, „advertising/selling“, praising, pushy, impatience, appeals to common cultural symbols/emotional associations like movies, job stereotypes, celebrities etc., plans, actions, short & useful questions, future oriented language, encouraging action & movement

4: Lamenting, yearning, longing, extolling somethong they idealize, whining. „bitching“, Breathy voice, Ellipses or trailing off, disdainfully lambasting while drawing distinctions. („Not like those people“) Lots of adjectives. Poetic/affected/deliberate phrasing, flowery, larger than life language. Regrets & talk of shortcommings. Talks about self & own experience, personalizes& specifies. If you catch them in a good mood they can also be somewhat hyper and witty.

5: Content-focus. Detailed explanations. Definitions. Systematic and ‚sectioned‘. Brings up topics that may seem out of context. Either short noncomittal statements or long rambly "treatises". Tangents, run-on sentences, adverbs. Descriptive comparisons. Arguments appealing to rationality, objectivity or neutrality. Quotes & proverbs. Low volume, formal language, jargon, technical terms. Few pleasantries, says little unless some relevant topic comes up.

6: Warnings. Limiting Statements. Formal but warm. Appeals to realism & common sense, bringing lofty talk „back down to earth“. Lots and lots of precise questions. Troubleshoots, problem solves, rants, accuses, defends, blames, complaints as a bonding method. Second-guessing, self-deprecating and/or dark humor, disclaimers & qualifying statements, worst case scenarious, „...but what if…“ uncertain or tentative, carefully chosen words, bouncing off suggestions

7: fast talking, verbosity, anecdotes, storytelling, future plans, analogies, energetic. enthusiasm, excitability, positivity, light-heartedness, humor, criticizes by mocking, tries to engage the listeners, may try to impress, charm or entertain others with knowledge, skill or experience, scattered or jumping between topics. Can appear distracted or talk about themselves alot. Sing-song voice. Socratic dialogues. „Wowwww how amazing!!!“

8: Short, direct to-the-point and hammer-like. Certain, clear & firm tone. Commands. Imperatives. Snap judgements („What youre doing wrong is...“) Laying trips. Glib, quippy statements. Teasing Profanity. Debating. Arguing, defiance, „unmasking“/calling out , direct confronting, „below the belt“ shots. Military or wilderness related metaphors. Informative, factual, pragmatic. Sometimes quite jolly or unexpectedly sentimental.

9: pleasantries, respectful, considerate, dreamy, meandering, generalizing, vague aphorisms, recounts stories in a lot of detail, may wait for the others to speak first and sort of mirror, sypathize with & validate what you say, usually good listeners, may have to think a bit if asked their preferences. Some can be shy terse or monotonous in new situations or big groups, but grow more animated in a chill familiar envronment/ with trusted ppl, unneccesary apologies

[stoicbreviary]

Xenophon, Memorabilia of Socrates 27 

At another time the differences between two brothers named Chaerephon and Chaerecrates, both well known to him, had drawn his attention; and on seeing the younger of the two he thus addressed him. 

Socrates: "Tell me, Chaerecrates, you are not, I take it, one of those strange people who believe that goods are better and more precious than a brother; and that too although the former are but senseless chattels which need protection, the latter is a sensitive and sensible being who can afford it; and what is more, he is himself alone, whilst as for them their name is legion. 

"And here again is a marvelous thing: that a man should count his brother a loss, because the goods of his brother are not his; but he does not count his fellow-citizens loss, and yet their possessions are not his; only it seems in their case he has wits to see that to dwell securely with many and have enough is better than to own the whole wealth of a community and to live in dangerous isolation; but this same doctrine as applied to brothers they ignore. 

"Again, if a man have the means, he will purchase domestic slaves, because he wants assistants in his work; he will acquire friends, because he needs their support; but this brother of his—who cares about brothers? It seems a friend may be discovered in an ordinary citizen, but not in a blood relation who is also a brother. 

"And yet it is a great vantage-ground towards friendship to have sprung from the same loins and to have been suckled at the same breasts, since even among beasts a certain natural craving, and sympathy springs up between creatures reared together. Added to which, a man who has brothers commands more respect from the rest of the world than the man who has none, and who must fight his own battles." 

Chaerecrates: "I daresay, Socrates, where the differences are not profound, reason would a man should bear with his brother, and not avoid him for some mere trifle's sake, for a brother of the right sort is, as you say, a blessing; but if he be the very antithesis of that, why should a man lay his hand to achieve the impossible? "

Socrates: "Well now, tell me, is there nobody whom Chaerephon can please any more than he can please yourself; or do some people find him agreeable enough?" 

Chaerecrates: "Nay, there you hit it. That is just why I have a right to detest him. He can be pleasing enough to others, but to me, whenever he appears on the scene, he is not a blessing—no! but by every manner of means the reverse." 

Socrates: "May it not happen that just as a horse is no gain to the inexpert rider who essays to handle him, so in like manner, if a man tries to deal with his brother after an ignorant fashion, this same brother will kick?" 

Chaerecrates: "But is it likely now? How should I be ignorant of the art of dealing with my brother if I know the art of repaying kind words and good deeds in kind? But a man who tries all he can to annoy me by word and deed, I can neither bless nor benefit, and, what is more, I will not try." 

Socrates: "Well now, that is a marvelous statement, Chaerecrates. Your dog, the serviceable guardian of your flocks, who will fawn and lick the hand of your shepherd, when you come near him can only growl and show his teeth. Well; you take no notice of the dog's ill-temper, you try to propitiate him by kindness; but your brother? 

"If your brother were what he ought to be, he would be a great blessing to you—that you admit; and, as you further confess, you know the secret of kind acts and words, yet you will not set yourself to apply means to make him your best of friends."

Chaerecrates: "I am afraid, Socrates, that I have no wisdom or cunning to make Chaerephon bear himself towards me as he should."

Socrates: "Yet there is no need to apply any recondite or novel machinery. Only bait your hook in the way best known to yourself, and you will capture him; whereupon he will become your devoted friend."

Chaerecrates: "If you are aware that I know some love-charm, Socrates, of which I am the happy but unconscious possessor, pray make haste and enlighten me." 

Socrates: "Answer me then. Suppose you wanted to get some acquaintance to invite you to dinner when he next keeps holy day, what steps would you take?"

Chaerecrates: "No doubt I should set him a good example by inviting him myself on a like occasion." 

Socrates: "And if you wanted to induce some friend to look after your affairs during your absence abroad, how would you achieve your purpose?"  

Chaerecrates: "No doubt I should present a precedent in undertaking to look after his in like circumstances." 

Socrates: "And if you wished to get some foreign friend to take you under his roof while visiting his country, what would you do?"

Chaerecrates: "No doubt I should begin by offering him the shelter of my own roof when he came to Athens, in order to enlist his zeal in furthering the objects of my visit; it is plain I should first show my readiness to do as much for him in a like case."  

Socrates: "Why, it seems you are an adept after all in all the philters known to man, only you chose to conceal your knowledge all the while; or is it that you shrink from taking the first step because of the scandal you will cause by kindly advances to your brother? 

"And yet it is commonly held to redound to a man's praise to have outstripped an enemy in mischief or a friend in kindness. Now if it seemed to me that Chaerephon were better fitted to lead the way towards this friendship, I should have tried to persuade him to take the first step in winning your affection, but now I am persuaded the first move belongs to you, and to you the final victory."

Chaerecrates: "A startling announcement, Socrates, from your lips, and most unlike you, to bid me the younger take precedence of my elder brother. Why, it is contrary to the universal custom of mankind, who look to the elder to take the lead in everything, whether as a speaker or an actor." 

Socrates: "How so? Is it not the custom everywhere for the younger to step aside when he meets his elder in the street and to give him place? Is he not expected to get up and offer him his seat, to pay him the honour of a soft couch, to yield him precedence in argument?

"My good fellow, do not stand shilly-shallying,  but put out your hand caressingly, and you will see the worthy soul will respond at once with alacrity. Do you not note your brother's character, proud and frank and sensitive to honour? He is not a mean and sorry rascal to be caught by a bribe—no better way indeed for such riff-raff. No! gentle natures need a finer treatment. You can best hope to work on them by affection."

Chaerecrates: "But suppose I do, and suppose that, for all my attempts, he shows no change for the better?"

Socrates: "At the worst you will have shown yourself to be a good, honest, brotherly man, and he will appear as a sorry creature on whom kindness is wasted. But nothing of the sort is going to happen, as I conjecture. My belief is that as soon as he hears your challenge, he will embrace the contest; pricked on by emulous pride, he will insist upon getting the better of you in kindness of word and deed.

"At present you two are in the condition of two hands formed by God to help each other, but which have let go their business and have turned to hindering one another all they can. You are a pair of feet fashioned on the Divine plan to work together, but which have neglected this in order to trammel each other's gait."

"Now is it not insensate stupidity to use for injury what was meant for advantage? And yet in fashioning two brothers God intends them, methinks, to be of more benefit to one another than either two hands, or two feet, or two eyes, or any other of those pairs which belong to man from his birth. 

"Consider how powerless these hands of ours if called upon to combine their action at two points more than a single fathom's length apart; and these feet could not stretch asunder even a bare fathom; and these eyes, for all the wide-reaching range we claim for them, are incapable of seeing simultaneously the back and front of an object at even closer quarters. But a pair of brothers, linked in bonds of amity, can work each for the other's good, though seas divide them." 

—from Xenophon, Memorabilia 2.3 

IMAGE: Marcus Gheeraerts the Younger, Portrait of Two Brothers (1586) 

[nesonkin]

Today is the 41-year anniversary of Armored Fleet DaiRugger XV!

Armored Fleet DaiRugger XV is a mecha anime series aired in Japan from 1982 to 1983. It tells a story about a space exploration team meeting an advanced alien race and struggling to communicate with them as the conflict gradually turns into a full scale war.

This series is mostly known in its Americanized version, which is called Vehicle Voltron. This version made several changes, starting from names to heavy censorship. But if there's one thing it did right, it's that I wouldn't know about DaiRugger if it wasn't for Vehicle Voltron. Credit where it's due.

The series has a large cast of characters, but there are only a few that the anime really focuses on. That being Aki Manabu – Rugger Team leader, Ise Shinji – Rugger Team captain and eventually the Rugger Guard captain and Socrat Teles – enemy commander responsible for space exploration.

Although dense to watch, DaiRugger is an insanely good anime if you're willing to look past the naming conventions and some very dated concepts. But I'm not going to sell it as a masterpiece that you absolutely need to watch. It has its problems (some are made out bigger than they actually are by some people I see online) and you may not like it. But it will forever hold a special place in my heart for its themes and messages.

If you're in for some tragic anti-war mecha anime about the beauty of space and nature as well as the horrors of war, this anime might just be what you need!

Available for free on Bandai Spirit's YouTube channel:

[outeremissary]

Top 5 Traitors

oh fuck yes

5. Kas the Bloody-Handed

Legacy pick (only one to make the final cut). You have had some contact with tabletop roleplaying game Dungeons and Dragons, so you may be familiar with the tale of Vecna: once upon a time, a powerful lich was betrayed by his trusted vampiric lieutenant, who cut off his hand and carved out his eye. Vecna is the most famous figure of this story, but as a kid reading through the relics in the 3.5 and AD&D books in the house, I was always fascinated by the vampire. Without Kas, the most iconic aspects of Vecna simply would not be: the Hand and Eye became the symbols of the lich's power in godhood and the clash between the two created the greatest myth of his existence. And Kas was related (at least in 3.5) to a wicked item as well- the Sword of Kas, a sentient blade dripping with its former master's malevolence and waiting to take control over its new wielder. Kas has a longer and richer publication history than just this (especially in 2e), but the bare basics of my pre-internet youth were enough to set wheels turning in my head. I was so fond of the idea of Kas and Vecna, former allies and now bitter enemies over some secret quarrel, that I made the focus of the campaign I ran in high school their history. We never quite got to Vecna, but the vengeful spirit of Kas did make an appearance, where he served as the party's mysterious and ominous adversary (and occasional ally).

4. Goro Akechi

I am told it is "very unsurprising" I am an Akechi fan. I really don't think anything else needs to be said about this one.

3. Alcibiades from real life

If you aren't familiar with the Athenian Alcibiades, he is my all time favorite historical figure. I think due to Assassin's Creed a lot of people know him now (fascinating choice with the white hair in that game), but he's a person so interesting he altered the trajectory of my life. Alcibiades was a younger contemporary of the famous Socrates (this is relevant. put a pin in it), living at the end of what many consider the Classical period of Ancient Greek history. He is one of the most famous students of Socrates, but he wasn't a philosopher. No, young, noble Alcibiades, nephew of Pericles, was a politician. Famous for his wild hedonism, keen intellect, and blinding charisma, he became a major populist leader in Athens in the early years of the Peloponnesian War and won a fairly significant command in Sicily. However, shortly before he was set to leave for Sicily, Alcibiades and peers were accused of defacing the hermai, protective statues of Hermes distributed throughout the city, rendering the hermai impotent in their function (two common beliefs about how they were defaced are that either the noses or penises were broken off- both prominent features on the simplistic phallic statues). The defacing of the hermai was a major act of impiety and an ill omen for the campaign.

Under scrutiny in the wake of these grave accusations Alcibiades ultimately decided to flee justice and defect to Sparta- if you're not familiar with the Peloponnesian War, it was fought between Athens and allies (many unwilling) and Sparta and allies (somewhat less coerced?). Up to this point, the war hadn't been going too poorly for Athens despite significant setbacks due to a plague in the early years and the death of Pericles. As an informant and strategist, Alcibiades turned the tide. Athens was put on the defensive and it seemed likely that Sparta had the edge needed to actually win against its wealthy foe (and as a side note the Sicilian campaign ended in disaster- some speculate that Alcibiades could have averted this if he had retained his command). Unfortunately, in the midst of these giddy successes Alcibiades fell out of favor with the king of Sparta when it was suspected that he had seduced the king's wife; some accounts go so far as to say there were rumors that King Agis's son was actually fathered by Alcibiades. In a bad position, Alcibiades fled once more, this time to Persia; the historian Thucydides claims that under new patronage Alcibiades embarked on a campaign of political and economic revenge against Sparta by ruining its relationship with Persian allies.

With both Sparta and Athens now in a disadvantaged state, Alcibiades persuaded the leaders of Athens to welcome him back and give him military command (as well as the curb democracy in the city-state and make him a part of the oligarchy). Once more, the war seemed to shift. Sparta stalled under wishy washy leadership while Athenian efforts saw some success thanks to the excellent leadership from now two time traitor Alcibiades. At the height of this, Sparta attempted to petition for peace and was denied. But it was the man's nature to be dogged by scandals wherever he went: ultimately political upheavals resulted in the installation of a less friendly government and he was driven from the city by enemies yet again after a major defeat. After that, he wound up an exile in the Achaemenid Empire once more; at one point he reportedly attempted to offer advice and aid to Athenian troops he recognized as being in a poor position, but was dismissed (these forces were annihilated by their foes). Ultimately he played no further significant part in the war. Athens lost and a Spartan puppet state was installed.

However, there was one final part Alcibiades had to play in history! You may recall in paragraph one I mentioned Socrates. You may also know that Socrates was condemned for corrupting the youths of Athens and compelled to drink poison to carry out his own execution. Well, as it happens, one theory about what exactly was happening with that charge is that Socrates was specifically scapegoated for teaching Alcibiades, a dangerous enemy of Athens. Whether or not this is true (Socrates was an unpopular asshole in other ways) I feel that when you read Alcibiades as written in works like Plato's Symposium you can feel the tension of Alcibiades' ruined post-war reputation and how it reflected back on his acquaintances. The Alcibiades of the Symposium is vivacious, careless, sexual, and dangerously defiant of social order. He delivers the final speech in the work and when he finishes his followers cause the entire dinner party to collapse into disorder and be broken up. And at age 18, I was so enamored with this bizarre ending to the work that I decided I had to study Ancient Greek history to understand everything about the world that produced that scene. When I wrote my honors thesis to complete my bachelor's degree, Alcibiades provided the frame of my introductory chapter: even though I had planned not to center him, in the end he became my mission statement.

As it happens, most of my relatives never read past that first chapter, so I'm glad he was lively enough to impress... At any rate, he's quite special to me. If I could meet any one historical figure this would be the one. Basic bitch answer, I know, but hey. He had a real impact on me.

2. Tristian

(Spoilers up to the end of the quest Betrayer's Flight)

Kingmaker has made something absolutely wretched of me, as any who have had contact with me in the past three years (yikes) can attest. Tristian has entirely, wholly melted my brain. Something about a treachery that's so vividly clear and predictable but you still can't believe because you just... can't reconcile the idea with the person you know. And then the added layer where there's nothing false about that initial understanding! Despite all the secrets and deceit, somehow Tristian is still exactly as they are originally met. All of that good intent and compassion and naive sweetness is real, every bit as real as the little bursts of pettiness and condescension and the fixation on performance as a servant of Sarenrae. It's such a heady mix of sincerity and selfishness. I am enamored with this character. You know I am enamored with him. Complicit in attempts on your life! Enabled mass murder! Willing to sink to the absolute depths to recover the comfort of life as some ideal self that never really existed! Dogged by guilt, but never enough to endanger himself or his goals until it's far too late to avert the most heinous crimes. And so many of the little sabotages and treacheries centered on one single person of personal interest... I adore the ways that Tristian contradicts and undermines himself while being so straightforward and undisguised. Such a unique character to me, and one I find... very personally relatable in some of the flaws and motivations. Not that I've engineered any bioweapons, of course! Anyway. I could prattle on endlessly about Tristian, and I think you've already heard much of it! So I'll let this be.

ACTUALLY coming back in with an edit that I will try to keep SPOILER FREE so I don't have to change the warning but the end of that companion quest line was a betrayal to ME PERSONALLY and I will DIE MAD and it is EXTREMELY RUDE to be abandoned like that!!! Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. I'm feeling some kind of fucking emotion here.

Anthy Himemiya

I went back and forth on who should occupy the number one position on this list and was ultimately won over by the fact that in the famous "Top 10 Anime Betrayals" of memetic fame, Anthy is in fact listed as number one. Anthy is also my favorite anime character of all time. If you haven't watched Revolutionary Girl Utena, stop reading this and go watch it. Seriously. Watch the whole thing. Even the stupid bullshit and the recap episodes. It is the best anime I've ever seen.

Anyway. If you have watched it, then you probably already understand my reasons. Anthy is a captivating symbolic depiction of femininity under patriarchy, a woman who does not desire her own oppression but struggles even to dream of liberation. She is a victim of abuse and a perpetuator of the cycle: she casually destroys the vulnerable and ruins those who would be her allies. She is on a campaign of her own destruction. Anthy is not a good person, but she has born the blame for evils she was never responsible for as long as she can remember: she is the quintessential Eve figure. Her betrayal of Utena is shocking not only because the two have finally reached an understanding and earnest trust, but because it is a clearcut betrayal of her own desires (even if Utena wavered in a critical moment). And ultimately? Ultimately? Anthy isn't freed by Utena! Although Utena never gives up on her, she doesn't "rescue" Anthy, only passes on enough hope to allow Anthy to escape her circumstances herself- perhaps ultimately making Anthy the true heroine of the story. I laid on the floor for a few hours and thought about life after finishing this show.

I adore Anthy. She's such a subtly drawn character so dripping with nuance. She's not a heroic or villainous character, in contrast to Utena, and she can be truly vicious both in her service of Akio and pursuing her own petty vengeances. Although she is constantly cast as weak by other characters, she has endured unspeakable suffering and has found a form of power and agency even in her captive state. Anthy has a mystique that I could spend a lifetime thinking about. This is such a rich, complex story, but Anthy shines at the center of it and stands head and shoulders above the rest of an unbelievably compelling cast.

[kebriones]

I don’t know anything about Alcibiades but being not a coward I won’t ask anonymously.

We love a brave ask :D okay so I'm reading this as an invitation to give you the alcibiades summary, apologies if that's not what you wanted:

-Athenian -Born around 450 bce, literally at the peak of classical athens, the parthenon would start getting built 3 years later -His dad died around that time so he was raised by The Percles (tm) because I guess single mothers couldn't raise kids? I have no idea. -His main things were: 1) He was #1 prettiest guy in town and knew it 2) He craved attention all the time 3) He was into debaucheries, luxury and spending a ton of money 4) He was very smart, persuasive and a great public speaker. 5) He was also very much into war things, and a very good military commander. This was the time of the war between athens and sparta and he did everything he could to keep this war going.

-He had a thing going on with Socrates for like over 15 years. They were even tentmates at war. At the very least they were both in love with each other.

okay so now, the story:

He wanted to rule the world. He led a massively ambitious military expedition as an athenian general when he was like 35 years old. During the expedition, he was recalled back to athens to stand trial for some religious thing which, if he was found guilty of, would get him executed. He decided he wasn't into that, so he went over to sparta, betrayed all of athens' military stuff, causing the death of around 7k soldiers and the loss of the entire navy (in athens he was sentenced to death in absentia, and publicly cursed by priests. They even wrote that curse down on tablets.)

He helped the spartans for a bit, and even changed his entire behavior to perfectly match spartans. He also helped the spartan queen get pregnant. Then he found himself in persia, where he fully flourished as a puppet master, pulling everyone's strings behind the scenes and playing all three major forces of the area like a fiddle, but like in a really, really chaotic manner. What I understand from the sources is that he could speak persian by the way, since he acted as an interpreter while there. Anyways, then he sort of became an unofficial general of athens again, elected by a part of their army that was stuck on an island, and spent the next couple of years being an absolute legend, winning naval victories, besieging cities and nearly single-handedly saving Athens and restoring its power.

Then he finally actually returned to the city, when he was 100% sure he wasn't gonna get executed, the curse tablets were thrown into the sea and he was made chief commander of literally everything. A couple months later he was stripped of command due to a subordinate's inability to follow a simple order, and Alcibaides decided he was sick of Athenians actually so he went up to the north where he had a couple fortresses somehow, and became a cool warlord, and spent his time raiding stuff, drinking himself to an early grave etc.

Then one day the athenians who were still fighting the spartans came and camped right outside his fortress. He saw that they had chosen a very bad spot, and that they were generally a mess, so he went down to advise them but they were like "no, you're not our general anymore shut up" and then they were completely destroyed by the spartans and that was basically the end for Athens. Alcibiades could've at that point gone into hiding/live his life in exile peacefully, but nope, he decided he wanted to go hook up with the actual persian king this time. On the way there he was assasinated, at around 45-50 years old, we're not really sure by whom.

TL;DR He really hated flutes, he pronounced the R as L and he punched people on the street for little to no reason, is what you mainly need to know about him.