#somebody better burn my bones

[anne-bsd-bibliophile]

Retrogression by Dazai Osamu

Translated by A. L. Raye

"He was not an old man. He was only around 25 years old, but at the same time he was, undoubtedly, an old man. For every year that a normal person lived, this old man lived it three times over." - Dazai Osamu, "Retrogression"

"And so, through Dazai’s own efforts, I hope that a day will come to pass where Dazai’s work will be instinctively understood by a great many people." - Satō Haruo, "A Respectable Yet Tormented Soul: Regarding Dazai Osamu"

"Having been metaphorically torn apart by his critics, every time he finished writing anything - anything at all - regardless of public opinion, the wounds of his humiliation would ache more and more, so keenly and so painfully, that the unfulfilled hollow in his heart spread further and deeper until finally, he died. He was deceived by the illusion of a masterpiece, enchanted by an eternal beauty, carried away by a fever cream and ultimately couldn't even save himself..." - Dazai Osamu, "Retrogression"

"I’ll stab him! I thought. What an absolute scoundrel! It didn’t take long however before I suddenly felt the hot and twisted love you bore towards me, an intense love which reminded me of Nellie from Dostoyevsky’s Humiliated and Insulted, a love that I felt deep within my heart. No. No, how could this be? I couldn’t believe it, I shook my head but that love of yours, concealed behind that cold exterior, felt Dostoyevskian in its deranged passion and made my body burn feverishly at the thought. And of course, you were completely unaware of any of this." - Dazai Osamu, "Letter to Kawabata Yasunari"

"Don’t say behind someone’s back what you can’t say to their face. I followed this principle and for that I was thrown into the looney bin." - Dazai Osamu, "Human Lost"

"Somebody put a live snake in my letterbox. I’m furious! This must be the work of someone who enjoys making fun of unpopular writers who feel the need to check their letterboxes twenty times a day. I was in a strange mood after that, and spent the rest of the day in bed." - Dazai Osamu, "Diary of My Distress"

"I’m jumping at shadows. I feel like my body has been ground up and picked clean, right down to the bone." - Dazai Osamu, "Human Lost"

"It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It really wasn’t supposed to be this way. You of all people should be clearly aware that being a writer exists within a perpetual state of ‘foolishness’." - Dazai Osamu, "Letter to Kawabata Yasunari"

"The cicada realised in the afternoon that it was going to die soon. Ah, it would have been better if I had been happier! I should have fooled around more, with nary a care in the world. Oh, do forgive me, I just wish to fall asleep among the flowers." - Dazai Osamu, "Human Lost"

"He has the kind of romantic spirit of a selfish, good-for-nothing wastrel, but more than that, he has let this seep deep down into the very marrow of his being. The uninhibited yet fragile self flows out of control, and it is the lot in life of this particular variety of man to continually contemplate himself until his self-awareness becomes intertwined with his bones." - Satō Haruo, "A Respectable Yet Tormented Soul: Regarding Dazai Osamu"

"Now, within the limits I have allowed myself, I believe I have accomplished everything I set out to do. As for the rest, I calmly entrust myself to fate." - Dazai Osamu, "January Letter to Satō Haruo from Dazai Osamu"

From the Introduction by translator A. L. Raye:

"This book aims to piece together the fractured and disorderly lifestyle of one of history's greatest romantics and pairs it with a particular moment in his life; losing the Akutagawa Prize. The ensuing drama that unfolded through private letters, newspaper articles, diaries, obituaries, and fiction created a scandal that disturbed the early Showa literati with its coarse and indecent honesty. Dazai's fiction, fiction about Dazai, speculation and reality intertwined to create an explosive event that not only changed the desired trajectory of his life but also raised issues of discrimination within prominent literary circles and the treatment of mental illness in 1930s Japan."

"If we encounter Dazai without taking into account modern ideas of disability, there is a danger we might subject him to the same myth-making mindset that surrounds Van Gough; that of a tortured genius who needed to suffer for his art - or, perhaps more accurately, for our entertainment."

"Dazai was a complicated man, a man who couldn't even decide for himself who he was."

Retrogression also includes annotations and background information on every story, letter, diary, and eulogy, adding history and insights that are difficult to find available in other English translations so far.

You can find more information and free translations on Yobanashi Café. Retrogression is available for purchase in either paperback or eBook format on Amazon.

[acourtofwhatthefuck]

Our Home (Azriel x Reader)

Hiiii. This one has long been in the works. It's the follow-up part to this little one I did called "Why Are You Still Here?"

Hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Some alcohol use. Angst. Discussions surrounding mental health. Suggestion of infidelity.

✧: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

You were not where you wanted to be. And you did not know where you fit anymore.

Solace had once been the home you’d made your own. It had once been the warmth and security of your mate’s arms. A life. A belonging.

It was never supposed to be dark, dingy taverns and drinking yourself to oblivion. You were aware of your hypocrisy — that you were now no better than Azriel, himself, had been.

But you didn’t know what else to do. How else to keep patching over the wound that was opening you up from the inside.

Three days and nights away from Azriel felt like three centuries. Three days and nights spent on Amren’s couch, your ears barely catching the way she groused at you about making things up with your mate — and getting out of her hair. You knew that she only had your best interests at heart; a swarm of concern wrapped up in sharp, barbed words and orders. 

Stop sulking, girl, and speak to your mate. Wallowing on the couch and taking up my space doesn’t do either of you any good. If he knocks on my door and asks to speak to you again, I’m letting him in this time. Stupid, foolish children in love.

You knew that she was right. You’d asked Az to give you a few days…and for what? So you could get yourself into a clear enough headspace to talk to him.

So, no, the wisest choice had not been to end up in a bar on the other side of town — but here you were. If Azriel could spend months upon months pushing you away, indulging in self-serving vices…so could you.

You whiled away the hours on refills of whiskey and off-kilter music and the presence of numerous males coming up to you and offering to buy you another drink — all of which you politely turned away. You weren’t there for attention, or to feel wanted…the mere thought of looking at somebody other than your mate—

It took you right back to the possibility that Azriel may have done just that. That he’d come stumbling home after hours of unexplained absence, stinking to the high heavens of booze and cloying perfume. You wanted — needed — to believe that there was some other, reasonable explanation. That there was no way the male tied to your soul would fall into the arms of somebody else.

But the truth was that you just did not know anymore. He’d successfully pushed you away enough to fill you with doubt.

The feeling was far worse than any battle wound. Far more excruciating than the critical injury you’d received during the war with Hybern. This pain was like a sickness, spreading through you, slicing at you, becoming you. This pain could tear you apart, limb from limb.

“The same again, please.” You rasped, sliding your empty glass towards the pretty barmaid. She eyed you cautiously before fulfilling your request. The amber liquid didn’t burn quite as much this time. 

But it seemed that no amount of alcohol was giving you the desired effect. Drink after drink after drink, and you still didn’t feel it seeping into your bones and blood and carrying you off to a place that wasn’t as painful. You may as well have been pouring the drinks straight onto the floor, rather than down your throat.

Still, you remained sitting at that same spot at the bar, nursing your drink and studying the nicks and callouses of your weapon-worn hands as your heavy thoughts bombarded you. Where would you sleep tonight? You were sure Amren would growl at you if you turned up at her door again. You could go to the River House, but you didn’t want to cause any disruption or upset for Nyx. And it seemed that both the House of Wind and the Town House were a no-go — that Az could be staying at either. Something told you that he was unlikely to be at the house you shared together, but…you didn’t want to go there, either.

Perhaps you would just drink yourself so stupid that you’d eventually curl up on a bench and fall asleep without feeling the cold.

The cold. It swept in, encasing you from behind as somebody entered the tavern, their heavy footsteps carrying across the wooden floor. You paid them no mind, not interested in the various other punters around you. You hunched over your drink, tracing your finger over the rim of the glass, and you didn’t bother to look up even when the stool was pulled out beside you.

“Before you say anything,” you murmured, too used, now, to the sleazy routine of the males around you, “no, you cannot buy me a drink.” 

“Good.” Azriel’s voice came quietly from beside you. “I don’t think it’d be wise for you to have another.”

That voice — deep and smooth and rich. A voice that had spoken countless I love yous, that had breathed quiet laughs at your shared, inside jokes, that had moaned your name in peace and pleasure. A voice that had always been a comfort to you.

It now twisted your stomach. Filled you with a sickening anxiety. You no longer knew what words would be spoken in that voice. You weren’t sure you were ready for them.

Your body tense, you slowly turned your head to meet your mate’s eyes. The look that sat on his face, in his hazel stare…it was one of beautiful agony. Of stunning, twisted devastation.

A flawless face marred by pain.

Azriel studied you, and you couldn’t help wondering what he saw on your face. Besides your cheeks being flushed from the alcohol, and your eyes red-raw from days of weeping. Whatever he found there…it made him flinch.

“What are you doing here?” You willed your voice to sound strong, but it was weak. Pathetic. 

“I followed your scent from Amren’s apartment to here.” He swallowed. “And given that this was where we had our first drink together…”

You looked around. Pretended that such a thought hadn’t dawned on you, even though that exact spot in the corner was where you and Azriel had sat for hours that first night, drinking and talking and laughing. 

You’d known, by the time that he’d walked you home, that you were going to spend the rest of your existence with him.

Or so you’d thought. You weren’t so sure, now.

“Finish your drink.” Azriel nodded to your glass. “We’re going home.”

You snorted, turning back to your glass. The liquid sloshed as you lifted it to your lips. “That’s not been home for a long while. It’s just…bricks and mortar and pain.”

He paused. “That’s not true.”

“Is it not, Azriel? You can’t seem to stand spending any time there, either—”

“I want to talk to you about all of this, Y/N.” He stared at you seriously. Pleadingly. “Just…not here. Please.”

Because Azriel was a staunchly private person.

And maybe he didn’t love you anymore. The thought — though complete agony — was entirely possible.

But he wouldn’t end your relationship in the same place it had begun. 

So you drained your glass, savouring the feeling of the liquid sliding down your throat. And then you set it down on the bar, and turned to face him.

“Where is your coat?” He studied the thin tunic and breeches that did nothing to keep out the cold.

You shrugged a shoulder. “Left it at Amren’s, I guess.” 

“It’s freezing outside.”

“Oh, now you care—”

The clearing of a throat stopped you both in your tracks. You glanced at the young barmaid who stared between the two of you uncomfortably. She had the same look that most people adopted in Azriel’s presence — awe and fear at their High Lord’s spymaster.

“I’m sorry, but,” she cleared her throat again, straightening out her shoulders, “if you two are going to have a domestic, I’m going to have to ask you to take it outside…”

Beside you, Azriel’s cheeks pinkened. “We’re not.” He said brusquely. “We’re leaving.”

Before you could offer your own response, he was tugging you from the barstool and draping his heavy jacket around your shoulders. It swamped you a ridiculous amount, and when he actually stopped in front of you to fasten the buttons, you scowled and stepped out of reach.

“I’m not a child.” You said. “Let’s just…go.”

It was hard to not feel like a child as you meandered your way to the door in that preposterously large coat, the arms swinging and the material swallowing you up. Azriel remained a step behind, following you out into the icy night air. You walked a few paces in a still silence, only stopping to face him when you were well out of earshot of the bar. 

“So.” It was instinctive — the way you wrapped his jacket around yourself. Not something you were wholly aware of doing. Though you were certainly aware of the way you very pointedly sniffed it, looking for some trace of that sweet scent you’d smelled before. But…nothing. “Which house do you want to finish with me in? Ours? The Town House? The House of Wind? We could go to the River House, but I don’t think Rhys or Feyre would appreciate the performance—-”

“Is that what you think?” Azriel cut you off, the pain on his face moulding into something stiller. Icier. “That I’m finishing our relationship?”

You shrugged. And you hated — utterly hated — being so confrontational. This wasn’t you. And some small part of it could be blamed on the alcohol, yes, but…mostly…mostly, you were just at your wit’s end.

After months of trying to reach him calmly, compassionately. Months and months of trying to talk to him gently, to get him to open up to you. It had gotten you nowhere.

You felt your only option, now, was to shuck off that soft, soothing exterior, and go hard. Go real. 

“I don’t know what to think,” you retorted. “You don’t speak to me anymore — besides the occasional grunt. And given that I’m not a gods-damned mind-reader—”

“I am not finishing things with you.” Azriel snapped — so loud, so harsh, so unlike him, that you stopped in your tracks. “Not now, and not ever.”

You stared at him, already feeling your hard demeanour slipping. The words — though a small relief — were hard to believe. Hard to believe, when he’d given you no indication for a long, long time that he even wanted you anymore.

You shrugged weakly, begging your eyes not to tear up. “But what kind of relationship is this, Az? Months and months of silence. Of coldness. What am I supposed to think?”

“...I’ve handled things so badly. But I’d like a chance to explain.”

Perhaps it was the muted pleading in his eyes, the hunching of his shoulders. How he looked the smallest he ever had. Or perhaps it was just because he was your mate…whatever the reason, you found yourself relenting. You swallowed, crossing your arms over your chest and silently nodding towards a bench that overlooked the river. Az dipped his chin in acknowledgement of the request and promptly followed suit. 

You sat, leaving distance between the two of you. Az tucked his wings in as tight as he possibly could; uncomfortable for him, you knew, but he was respectful of the fact that you wanted space. A small glimmer of the Azriel you’d always known and loved.

He seemed to suck in a slow breath, twisting his scarred hands around each other. You could feel the nerves that rolled off of him in waves. This – speaking and baring his soul — was perhaps harder for him than outright combat. 

You cleared your throat. “Before you start…I need to ask you something.”

Hazel eyes turned to study you. Azriel gave a small nod. 

“I have to know if you…” The words tasted sour and wrong in your mouth. In your whole body, in fact. You were sure a shiver shot through you as you blurted in one breath, “I just need to know if you fucked somebody else.”

Azriel paused — and then blinked at you.

Gaped at you, like the suggestion in and of itself was utterly absurd.

As if he hadn’t come home stinking of perfume. As if he hadn’t lied about his whereabouts when you’d asked. As if you were wrong to so much as think it, let alone voice it.

He shook his head, still blinking. “What?”

“Perhaps you were too drunk that night to remember.” Your lips pressed into a thin line. “You disappeared on me for hours, Az, like you always seem to these days. Then you come home smelling of perfume and lie to me that you’d been with Mor when I knew you couldn’t have been. So tell me. Honestly. Did you fuck someone who isn’t me?”

“Of course I didn’t. I would never do that to you. Do you know how sick it makes me feel, just thinking of being with someone other than you?”

He couldn’t possibly have a clue how much you needed to hear that. But they were just words. He’d done nothing to back them up for so, so long.

Your eyes filled with tears as you stared at him. “But you can’t seem to stand being with me, either.”

His own eyes shuttered — as though he was trying to block out your words. He slumped back on the bench, wings awkward and limp around him. You could see his chest heaving, hear his heavy breathing. 

“I don’t—” His voice cracked. “I’m no good with words. I’m no good with…with talking.”

“But I can’t take the silence or the loneliness anymore. Azriel, please—”

“I was with someone that night.”

He blurted the words in such a rush, you almost didn’t catch them. His hands squeezed into fists at his sides, as though the mere feeling of speaking so earnestly was like peeling his skin off.

You fell so, so still. Stared at him. Your stomach plummeted, twisted, and your voice didn’t sound like yours as you croaked out, “who?” 

“That night, I…I was with Madja.”

It was all you could do to stare at him. And as Madja’s face floated through your mind — the old, withered, beloved healer of Velaris…you could do nothing but stare. 

“Is that supposed to be funny?” You demanded.

Az stared down at his hands. “Of course not. A little while ago, I started regularly visiting Madja.”

“...Why? Are you injured?” Your eyes immediately searched him for anything you might have missed. And yet — nothing. 

He shook his head. “Physically, I’m fine, but…in here?” He tapped a finger to his forehead. Moved that finger down to sit over his heart. “And here? I’m…I’m not. I’m not fine.”

Those cold, hard walls you’d thrown up to get you through this conversation…you felt them falter a little. You swallowed, studying your mate. “I don’t understand, Az…”

Finally — finally — he angled his body towards yours. Faced you. And the raw emotion that lay in his eyes…you almost couldn’t bear it. It could cut you. Cut you into pieces and scatter you to the wind. 

Tears were clouding his vision, muddying that hazel into a watery run of colour. He blinked, his lips quivering as those tears spilled over and ran down his cheeks. It was second nature for you to reach out and wipe them away, but he stopped you in your tracks. Allowed his tears to run free as he held onto your hand like he may never get another chance. 

“When I try to sleep at night,” his voice cracked. “When I close my eyes — do you know what I see?”

You swallowed down your own emotion, shaking your head. You’d known of him sleeping fitfully, of course — if he bothered to sleep in the same bed as you at all. But you’d never been overly aware of it.

He blinked another wave of tears away. “I see you in that healer’s tent after the war, covered in blood. I hear—” He cut himself off, voice once again hitching with his emotion. “I hear your screams of pain. Your cries. I hear you begging someone — anyone — to make it go away. I see your face turning far too pale. And I hear, over and over and over again, the moment that Madja told me there was a chance you wouldn’t make it.”

You were unable to stop your own tears forming again. You squeezed his hand, face creasing with pain. “Azriel—”

“It haunts me.” He whispered. “Because what you and I have…I never thought I’d have this. I never thought I’d find my mate. I never thought I’d be able to have such happiness. So when Madja told me there was a chance she wouldn’t be able to save you…I didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t know how I was going to go on.”

“But she did save me, Az.” You scooted closer. “She did.”

“I just…I came so close to losing you. To losing the love of my life. It sent me spiralling into this mindset of being scared all the damn time. Every time you left the house, or I had to go on a mission…I was losing my mind with it, Y/N. And I was so terrified of ever feeling that way again that it seemed so much easier to push you away. I was too selfish to let you go completely. I thought if I could just…have you at arm’s length…at least until I sorted myself out…” 

You stared forward. Everything seemed to click into place as you rasped, “which was why you distanced yourself from me.”

Az nodded. And he was unable to stop the sob that broke from him. “But I just ended up hurting you. And I’m so sorry.”

You couldn’t bear a second longer of it — of seeing him so crushed, so defeated. And even though you, too, were a crying mess, you found the strength to slide into his lap. To wrap your arms around him and allow him to rest his head on your shoulder.

“You should have just told me how you were feeling.” You whispered, stroking his hair. His body heaved beneath you as he cried, raw and unguarded. “I would have listened. I would have helped. I love you.”

“And I love you.” He shook. “More than I could possibly put into words. But I was so scared of losing you. And ironically, in my efforts to avoid that…I’ve come so, so close to it happening.”

You shook your head. Lifted his until he was looking at you. And it was like that, his face inches from yours, that you promised him the same thing you’d promised long ago. “You will never lose me. Ever. You are my mate, and I am yours. We love each other, when we’re happy and fine, and when we’re not. This is our life, Azriel. We can’t avoid living it in some pointless bid to outrun death.”

For a moment, he just…studied you. As if your words cleared months and months of accumulated fog and cobwebs, and helped him to see what was right in front of him. That you were right in front of him.

You had survived the war. So had he. 

The two of you deserved to live — together. 

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am. A little while ago, I started to visit Madja for help with these feelings. I knew I couldn’t go on like this.” He explained. “But I don’t — I swear to you, I never went near anybody else. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.”

And you knew that. Gods, you knew it. You almost felt foolish for even thinking it, but…you supposed, like him, you’d gotten so far inside your head, you didn’t know the way out.

One thing did linger in the back of your mind, though. Torturing you a little. You swallowed, wiping Az’s cheeks free of tears as you asked, “what of the perfume you smelled of?” 

Again, his eyes shuttered. He bowed his head slightly to touch yours. “Check my jacket pocket.”

Frowning, you paused. And then slid your hands into both pockets of the jacket you still wore. It was in the front left one that your hand enclosed around what felt like a small, glass vial. You plucked it out, tilting your head. 

“Smell it.” Az instructed softly.

Your eyes met his. And slowly, you pulled the stopper out of the vial and lifted it to your nose. 

The smell hit you immediately. That same smell — undoubtedly — that had clung to his clothes that night. A little too sweet for your liking, slightly floral…you grimaced, stoppering the little bottle once more. “What is it?” You asked. 

“Madja has been helping me to open up…to get better at voicing my thoughts and feelings.” Azriel explained quietly. “And along with that, she made me this tonic. It has soothing properties that help me slip into a state of mind ready for a more peaceful sleep. That night you smelt it on me…it was the first time she’d given it to me. I’d applied it right before I’d entered the house, because I wanted to see how well I would sleep. If I could truly get past my nightmares.”

It was your turn for your eyes to shutter then. Guilt swarmed you, brash and unwelcome. “And I ruined your sleep by starting a fight and storming out.”

Azriel’s face turned serious. “You had every right to confront me the way you did that night. I should have told you sooner what was going on. That I was seeking help. I should have avoided hurting both of us like this.”

You sighed softly, tugging him closer once more. Your strange, complicated mate…the male you loved happily and proudly.

He’d been hurting. Struggling. You should have known.

But then…you’d been hurting and struggling, too. The aftermath of war wasn’t easy for anyone. It wasn’t a case of slipping back into your old life before you’d almost perished on that battlefield. 

You’d both become chewed up and spat out by your own respective grief from that time. And instead of communicating…you’d both taken your eye off the ball. Allowed deep feelings to fester. 

Never again. Never again would you allow this to happen.

“I think we’re all a little broken from the war, Az.” You brushed his hair from his face, staring at him earnestly. “But now that we know what we’re dealing with…we can heal. Together.”

His eyes threatened to well up again. And before you could see the tears form, he was leaning forward and planting a firm kiss against your lips. “I’m so sorry.” He apologised a third time. 

“Shh. No more of that.” You whispered, rocking him. “From this moment on, we move forward.” 

His arms held you tightly against him, warmth seeping into you. You didn’t know how long you sat there for, in each other’s arms, but as a breeze whipped over you, you felt your home calling. Coaxing the two of you back.

“Let’s go home, my love.” You kissed Azriel’s forehead.

He stared at you through wet lashes. “...To our home?”

Not Amren’s apartment. Not the River House or the Town House or the House of Wind.

“Yes.” You laced your fingers through his. “To our home.”

✧: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ azriel tag list:

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[wangxianficfinder]

Curses, Potions, and Spells (Oh my)

~*~

Curses

shape me something new by perilously (E, 24k, WangXian, Sharing a Body, set in CQL canon but inspired by the novel, Non-Penetrative Sex, Masturbation, (kind of), Slight Canon Divergence, some horror-adjacent imagery)

come home to my heart by occultings (microcomets) (M, 29k, WangXian, Bodyswap, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Canon Divergence, First Time, Getting Together, Confessions, Sharing a Bed, Misunderstandings, and a little bit of hurt/comfort as a treat)

See Me, Feel Me (Listening to You) by Ghost_Honey (T, 29k, WangXian, POV WWX, WWX Needs a Hug, WWX’s Abyssmal Self-Esteem, Emotional Healing, Angst, The Juniors love their Senior Wei, Curses, WWX is an Unreliable Narrator, JC & WWX Reconciliation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Cuddling)

Turn Left by kianspo (M, 204k, WangXian, NieLan, Canon Divergence, Fix-It of Sorts, Friends to Lovers, eventually, references to child sexual abuse, not main characters,  Neurodivergent LWJ, Slow Build, Lán Family Feels, specifically, Twin Jades of Lán Feels, lwj-centric, Twin Jades of Lán Dynamics, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies)

You'd Break Your Heart to Make It Bigger by vesna (mrsronweasley) (E, 32k, WangXian, soulbonding, First Time, Case Fic if You Squint, Fools in Love, soul boning, soft fools in love, Pining while fucking)

This Lantern Shines For You by apollonie (M, 10k, WangXian, Hanahaki Disease, Angst with a Happy Ending, Post-Canon, Pining WWX, WWX Needs a Hug, LWJ is a Disaster Gay)

leading tone by silencemostofall (G, 32k, WangXian, Modern AU, Soulmates, with a lil twist, Eventual Happy Ending, lesbian wq rights, Music, Orchestra, platonic and romantic pining)

pastel by antebunny (G, 6k, WangXian, Modern AU, College/University, Soulmates, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Found Family, Self-Esteem Issues, Misunderstandings, Angst with a Happy Ending, Unrequited Love, but not actually, no courtesy names)

Stainless by Fahye (E, 6k, WangXian, Sex Pollen, Yuletide Treat)

as amber of ember glows by occultings (microcomets) (E, 11k, WangXian, Sex Pollen, Marathon Sex, Multiple Orgasms, Mutual Pining, First Time, Miscommunication, Aphrodisiacs, pining for the person you're fucking, Getting Together, mostly)

miss me once the thrill expires by idrilka (E, 12k, WangXian, Modern With Cultivation, Getting Together, Pining while fucking, Curses, Sex Pollen, Rimming, Multiple Orgasms, first time barebacking, Face-Fucking)

Say So by FeelsForBreakfast (E, 15k, WangXian, Sex Pollen, Fucking Your Best Friend, Light Dom/sub, extreme orgasm denial wanxgian edition, Dirty Talk, Love Confessions)

🔒Embers by xantissa (E, 38k, WangXian, XiXian, WangXianXi, Jadecest, Angst, drama, Fluff, Falling In Love, sex pollen trope (curse), dub con, Comfort, Grief, Forgiveness, Happy Ending, Sibling Incest, Switching, Flirting, Learning to live again, Magic, Curses, Everyone is Badass, lwj has a sense of humor, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Threesome - M/M/M, Slow Burn, Angst and Hurt/Comfort)

a safe pair of hands by occultings (microcomets) (E, 11k, WangXian, Mutual Pining, Hurt/Comfort, Whump, Body Worship, Post-Canon, Case Fic, Sharing a Bed, Getting Together, First Time, Curses, Intimacy, Touch-Starved, Touch-Starved LWJ)

So Why Not Crack Your Skull When the Mind Swells by greenteafiend (E, 13k, WangXian, Hurt/Comfort, Curses, Case Fic, Mutual Pining, Getting Together, Confessions, Drunkenness)

❤️ to arrive late is better than not to arrive at all by Moominmammashandbag (M, 35k, wangxian, angst w/ happy ending, soulmates, chronic illness, hanahaki disease as a curse, feelings realization, angst, fluff, smut)

🔒How to Seduce the Yiling Patriarch by Theladyofravenclaw (T, 8k, wangxian, post-canon, temporary amnesia, case fic, fluff & humor, crack treated seriously, angst, jealous WWX, YLLZ WWX, gusu lan junior dynamics, mild gore)

Your Hand in Mine by cerbykerby (T, 20k, WangXian, Humor, Comedy, Pining, cursed to hold hands, Light Angst, Sharing a Bed, First Dates, Embarrassment, Fluff, bathing together, wwx is a menace to society, and lwj Suffers A Lot, Canon Compliant)

with such a suffering, such a deadly life by cqlorphan (T, 7k, wangxian, post-canon, curses, curse breaking, getting together, angst w/ happy ending, fluff, hurt/comfort, affection, touch-starved LWJ, LWJ whump, cuddling & snuggling, love confessions)

in the shadow of moonlit flowers by Reverie (cl410) (T, 56k, wangxian, LXC/NMJ, cloud recesses, NHS & LWJ friendship, developing relationship, LWJ pov, minor injuries, autistic LWJ, implied/referenced child abuse, aka YZY warning, genius WWX, light angst, hurt/comfort, WWX protection squad)

Of Curses and Cottontails by Alliandra (T, 15k, wangxian, canon divergence, burial mounds settlement days, curses, animal transformation, rabbit LWJ, angry bunji, fluff & humor, fix-it, golden core reveal)

🧡 Discarded by teawater (E, 169k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Dying Lan children, Hurt/Comfort, YL WWX, Golden Core Reveal, Case Fic, Depression, Family Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Angst with a Happy Ending, and it's not always dark, POV Multiple, BAMF WWX, dubious morals in the Lan sect Feels, Pining, Grief, Fix-It, BAMF LWJ)

Under every sky, in every way by naqaashi (M, 13k, wangxian, curses, curse breaking, mermaids, fix-it of sorts, angst w/ happy ending, fluff, secrets, confessions, hurt/comfort, golden core transfer fix-it, genius WWX)

Lover's Curse by littlesystems (E, 15k, WangXian, Fuck Or Die, Dubcon implicit in fuck or die, Burial Mounds Settlement Days, Cultivation Sect Politics, Brotherly Meddling, WWX Has a Rape/Non-Con Kink, Bruising, Overstimulation)

The Heart Always Remembers by thelamespaceace (G, 45k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Deaged LSZ, Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Fluff, Angst)

🧡 moonlight caught in mutton fat by Raitelzen (T, 45k, WangXian, Case Fic, Curses, Curse Breaking, Transformation, mild body horror, Hurt LWJ, Ghosts)

A Curse of a Different Color by nickel710 (G, 35k, WangXian, XiChengQing, Modern with Magic, Modern Cultivation, Curses, Curse Breaking, Asexual polyamory, Repressed LWJ, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Drunk LWJ, Falling In Love, WWX Being an Idiot, Non-explicit vomit, just a tiny reference to it, Anxiety)

🔒 the cow says moo, the chicken says squawk, and the demon beast of yiling says by Dragonskye (T, 57k, wangxian, Ensemble Cast, Animal Transformation, Angst with a Happy Ending, kind of a glucose guardian vibe actually, Fairy Tale Elements, Beauty and the Beast Fusion, Falling In Love, Hurt/Comfort, they're soft, Secret Identity, Canon Divergence, Mutual Pining)

The Sun Will Rise series by vespertineflora (E, 129k, wangxian, Fantasy, Fairy Tale Elements, Human/Monster Romance, Tentacle Monsters, Plant Monsters, Tentacle Sex, vine sex, Vines, Monster LWJ, Human WWX, Mildly Dubious Consent, Consensual Non-Consent, Eventual Romance, Slow Romance, Happy Ending, Groping, Edgeplay, Hand Jobs, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Prostate Massage, First Time, Multiple Orgasms, The Cloud Recesses Rabbits, WWX Has a Fear of Dogs, Homesickness, Angst, Comfort/Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, Canon-Typical Violence, WWX Has a Rape/Non-Con Kink, Light Bondage, Light Masochism, Overstimulation, BAMF WWX, Stabbing, Near Death, Poisoning, Protective LWJ, Seduction, Aphrodisiacs, Snow and Ice, ,Snowball Fight, Lost Love, Falling In Love, Drunken Kissing, Sex Pollen, Submission, Subspace, Multiple Penetration, Love Confessions, full body restraint, Emotional Sex, Reincarnation, Sounding, Urethral Play, Prostate Massage, Multiple Orgasms, Shameless Smut)

🧡 Kitty-cat by canis_lupus (E, 78k, WIP, WangXian, Modern with Magic, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Top LWJ/Bottom WWX, dom LWJ, Sub WWX, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Jiang Family Dynamics, Abusive Jiang Family, POV Multiple, WWX Has ADHD, Autistic LWJ, Masturbation)

Breaking the Silence by Leffy (E, 4k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Fluff and Humor, Smut, 69 (Sex Position), Blow Jobs, Rimming, Come as Lube, temporary mute wwx is still a gremlin)

~*~

Potions (includes poisons)

Losing My Mind by pupeez4eva (T, 6k, wangxian, JC & WWX, Humor, Protective JC, JC drinks a potion that lets him hear people's lustful thoughts, Teenage LWJ has a lot of feelings, Canon Divergence, Cloud Recesses study arc)

🔒Truths Laid Bare For All by Preludian_Staves (T, 42k, wangxian, arranged marriage, not Jiang friendly, truth serum, love confessions, golden core reveal, implied referenced abuse, getting to know each other, genius WWX, falling in love, courting, WIP)

pomegranates for the softest parts of you by AvoOwO (M, 24k, WangXian, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, Cloud Recesses Shenanigans, Fluff and Angst, LWJ Has a Crush, POV LWJ, Protective LWJ, Pining LWJ, LWJ Has Feelings, Courting Rituals, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Poisoning, Dorks in Love, Love Confessions, First Kiss, Mind Manipulation, Manipulation, JC and LWJ Dislike Each Other, Good Sibling JC, Angst and Feels, Emotional Hurt, Supportive LXC, Supportive Sibling LXC, Good Uncle LQR, LQR Metaphorically Qì-Deviates, Mentioned Madam Lán, Blood, Fainting, Soft WangXian, Cute WangXian, Dubious Consent, Feelings Realization)

Truth to Tell by SequoiaSempervirens (M, 3k, WangXian, Getting Together, First Kiss, Fluff, silliness, Truth Serum, Kidnapping, Worried LWJ, Protective LWJ)

🔒After Truth Lies the Honest Path by Vrishchika (M, 10k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Truth Serum, Angry WWX, Post-Sunshot Campaign, Mild Angst, WangXian Get a Happy Ending, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Getting Together)

Potion by UglyBeautiful (E, 12k, WangXian, Modern AU, Canon Divergence, College/University, Witchcraft, Love Potion/Spell, Idiots in Love, LWJ Has a Big Dick, LWJ has a very dirty mind, Anal Sex, Rimming, Compulsory Heterosexuality, licking vegan marshmallow paste off a naked body, Happy Ending, Scheming NHS, Ghost familiar with many guises NHS)

Love potion and a remedy for the heart. by satans_dolly_boy666 (G, 2k, XiXian, WangXian, Love Potion/Spell, Misunderstandings, Internalized Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Brotherly Love, Love Confessions, Falling In Love, Idiots in Love, Friendship/Love, Declarations Of Love, Unrequited Love, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Jealous LWJ, Protective LXC, Oblivious WWX, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Supportive Sibling LXC, Soft LXC, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Eventual WangXian, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, Crack, Attempt at Humor)

scope and limitations by mercurials (T, 7k, WangXian, Modern AU, College/University, chemistry major wwx, Love Potion/Spell, Fluff, Mutual Pining)

At the bottom of the bottle, you're the poison in the wine by KatAnni (T, 11k, wangxian, JC & WWX & JYL, WWX & WQ, Fainting, Angst, Poisoning, JZN is an asshole, Golden Core Reveal, Fix-It, a little poisoning will solve all your problems!, Hurt/Comfort, POV Multiple, Attempted Murder, Everyone Lives AU, Fix-It of Sorts, Canon Divergence)

~*~

Spells (includes talismans/arrays)

The Way It Wasn't by KouriArashi (T, 72k, WangXian, XiYao, Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fix-It, (eventually haha), Slow Build, Family Feels, Moral Ambiguity, Eventual Happy Ending)

Wearing Down Every Bone by CSHfic, VSfic (E, 30k, WangXian, Groundhog Day, Time Loop, Temporary Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Case Fic, Curses, Pining, Getting Together, Time Travel, Night Hunts, Hurt wwx, Mystery, Angst with a Happy Ending, Use Your Words, Mutual Pining, Depression and Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, gratuitous use of empathy)

hope dangling by a string by KouriArashi (M, 70k, wangxian, canon divergence, fix-it, everyone lives, angst w happy ending, hurt/comfort, psychic bond, telepathy, communication, emotional/psychological abuse, jiang family feels, lan family feels, canon-typical violence, canon-typical politics, improper use of sacred forehead ribbons, gratuitous hair washing)

🔒I am sorry for taking your voice by misterfish (G, 8k, WIP, WWX/OMC, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt WWX, Remorse LWJ, Mute WWX, Jiāng Family Bashing, Past Child Abuse)

Couldn't Scream Couldn't Shout by mermorgie (T, 42k, WIP, WangXian, Not for jc stans, Muteness, Sign Language, references to selective mutism, Homophobic JC, canon jc characteristics, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Anxiety Attacks, Pining, LWJ is a Panicked Gay, Supportive Sibling LXC, JZX Tries, LQR Tries, Protective JZX, Scheming NHS, Bisexual JZX, LWJ is Bad at Communicating, WWX Has ADHD, Autistic LWJ, WWX Has a Fear of Dogs, Jiāng Family Bashing)

Quartet series by WithBroomBefore (T, 69k wangxian, JZX & JC & WWX & LWJ, Canon Divergence, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, WWX's canonical comfort with the prospect of his own death, Hurt/Comfort, JZX makes friends, Eventual Happy Ending, some unhappiness along the way, Canon-Typical Violence, JC keeps his golden core, JYL Lives, WQ Lives, Minor Character Death, Kissing, WWX Lives, no golden core transfer, JZX Lives, Fix-It, WN Lives, Weeping, temporary major character death, Murder Road Trip, Implied Sexual Content, Sunshot Campaign, Nonbinary NHS, Telepathy, platonic group soulbonding, Family, Found Family, POV WWX, Podfic Available, Siblings Sworn Brothers, aroace JZX, Happy Ending, all the Wen remnants live, POV JZX, JGY is less murdery, Asexual Character, Aromantic Character, JZX's social awkwardness, Poison)

on his best bee-haviour (pun very much intended) by HeavenlySkyfarer (T, 4k, WangXian, LQR & WWX, Modern With Cultivation, Humor, Fluff, Good Uncle LQR, Gremlin WWX, Bees, Established WangXian)

all the broken things that I made by ilip13 (E, 43k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Established Relationship, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Lovers To Enemies, (then back to lovers I'm not a monster), Dubcon Kissing, Dubious Consent, But mostly not in the way you might expect - see notes for details, Explicit Sexual Content, Bondage, Flirting, Competence Kink)

~*~

[gotham-ruaidh]

Little Bit Better Than I Used To Be

Catch up: Chapter 1 (Starry Eyes) || Chapter 2 (Save Our Souls) || Chapter 3 (Dancing On Glass)|| Chapter 4 (Merry-Go-Round)|| Backstage (1) || Backstage (2) || Chapter 5 (Danger)|| Backstage (3) || Chapter 6A (Love Walked In) || Chapter 6B (Without You) || Backstage (4) || Chapter 7 (Stick To Your Guns) || Chapter 8 (Time For Change) || Backstage (5) || Chapter 9 (Take Me To The Top) || Backstage (6) || Chapter 10 (Home Sweet Home) || Backstage (7) || Chapter 11a (Nightrain) || Chapter 11b (Nothing Else Matters) || Chapter 12a (Handle With Care) || Chapter 12b (I’m So Tired of Being Lonely) || Chapter 13a (Angel) || Chapter 13b (She’s My Addiction) || Chapter 13c (Patience) || Chapter 14a (Where Do We Go Now?) || Chapter 14b (Where Do We Go Now?) || Chapter 14c (Where Do We Go Now?) || Chapter 15a (Dreams) || Chapter 15b (I Sing A Song of Love) || Chapter 15c (You Can Do This If You Try) || Chapter 16 (Let That Feeling Grab You Deep Inside || Chapter 17A: Never Tear Us Apart || Chapter 17B: It’s Tough To Be Somebody, And It’s Hard Not To Fall Apart  || Chapter 17C: I’m Wishing, Lord, That I Was Stoned || Chapter 18: Turn The Page || Chapter 19A: When You’re Alone, Do You Let Go? || Chapter 19B: Heading For A Spin || Chapter 20A: I Don’t Need Nothing When I’m By Your Side || Chapter 20B: I’m Walkin’ Down This Rocky Road || Chapter 20C: You’re The Only One Who Gets Through To Me || Chapter 20D: Together We Can Make It A Dream || Chapter 20E: My Main Objective Is To Get You To Turn Your Mind Around ||| Also posted at AO3

Chapter 20F: Heaven Isn't Too Far Away

I don't need to be a superman

As long as you will always be my biggest fan…

 -- “Heaven,” Warrant (1989) [click here to listen]

North Carolina || March 1989

“I’m sorry that I’ll miss you in L.A., but I’m really glad you’re going out there. for the rehearsals. Especially since you won’t be making it to Europe.”

Jenny Fraser Murray sighed into the phone. “I’m torn, Claire. On the one hand I’ll be so happy to have a few days away from the kids – Ian’s mom is a godsend. But on the other hand I don’t want to be away from them for even a minute.”

“Ian will be happy to have you to himself, though.”

Claire heard Jenny smile through the phone. “He said it will be like old times. When we were dating, and we’d sneak off behind the amps to make out before a gig.” She paused. “Something you and my brother probably do all the time now.”

Claire smiled. “When we’re together, yeah.”

“I was really surprised when Jamie told me you weren’t going out to L.A. Is this the longest you’ve been apart?”

“Yeah.” Claire twirled the long telephone cord around her wrist. “I’m not going to lie, Jenny, it’s been incredibly hard to be away from him for so long. But at the same time, it’s been really helpful.”

“How so?”

“Just…it gets intense with him. And as much as I love him, and as much as I know he loves me, we both needed the time to breathe.”

“I hear you. So what have you been up to this week?”

Claire leaned back in her chair. “There’s a clinic in town – I got in touch with them right after we moved in, and I’ve been going in every day to volunteer. Just a few hours, helping out with some of the walk-in patients. Cuts, burns, broken bones – lighter stuff.”

“Sorry. One sec.” Jenny’s voice was muffled over the phone, but Claire could still understand the words Maggie and share and your brother. Clearly the Murray kids were giving their mom a run for her money today.

“That sounds like fun, Claire. Or your idea of fun, anyway.”

“It feels so good to be a doctor again, Jenny. It’s a far cry from surgery, but – ”

“But it’s something. Something you’re good at, that you enjoy. And it’s something that’s all yours.”

“Exactly. When we get back from Europe, I want to do something more permanent at the clinic. I spoke to the woman who runs it – they’re definitely open to it. I told them everything about my past, and my license – they’re willing to work with me.”

“That’s awesome.” The line clicked. “Ah – Claire, I’ve been waiting for Ian all morning. This is probably him. I’ll call you later, OK?”

“OK. Say hello to him and the kids for me. Talk you soon.”

“Take care of yourself, sister.”

Jenny hung up.

Claire glowed a bit. Glanced up at the clock on the wall, and crossed the kitchen to make some tea.

Ten minutes later, snug on the couch that was one of the only pieces of furniture Jamie had shipped from his old house in LA, Claire dialed a 212 number on the touch-tone phone, set the receiver on the arm of the couch, and pressed the speakerphone button.

“Dr. Germain’s office. Jeanne speaking.”

“Hi Jeanne – it’s Claire.”

“Hello, Claire! Right on time, as always. I’ll transfer you over.”

A few clicks on the line, and then –

“Good afternoon, Claire!” Raymond’s voice boomed through the telephone. “Did you make it to the clinic after we spoke this morning?”

“I did!” She sipped her tea, tucking bare feet under her folded legs. “Three hours have never flown by so fast.”

“That’s wonderful. Are you still open to what I suggested in our session this morning?”

“I am. He’s not on yet, is he?”

This was the second week that Jamie, Claire, and Raymond had held their daily sessions – via telephone while Claire was home in North Carolina, Jamie was with the band in Los Angeles, and Raymond at his office in New York. Raymond had recommended they start meeting during Jamie and Claire’s time away from each other – and to help them all get comfortable working together before the Europe tour kicked off in a few weeks.

Speaking over the telephone was not as ideal as being in person – but it helped them all get into the new routine. Raymond met individually with Jamie and Claire each morning, followed by a group session in the afternoon. Claire and Jamie spoke with each other outside of their time with Raymond, of course – Claire called Jamie’s hotel room as his wake up call every morning, he spoke with her before bed every night – but the conversations with Raymond were different. Focusing on topics that were deeper than Jamie telling Claire about rehearsals or meetings with the label, and Claire telling Jamie about a patient’s antics at the clinic or how she had finally gotten around to staining the bedside table they’d picked up at a garage sale.

Raymond had approached working together in a very pragmatic way. He struck a balance between getting to know one another and probing deeper on certain topics – after all, there were many things that Jamie and Claire still didn’t know about each other. But there was no timetable – Raymond insisted they work at their own pace, because the real work would happen once they were in Europe.

Claire and Jamie actually looked forward to their time with Raymond. It helped them focus on themselves, and on each other, in a new and refreshing way. It bridged the thousands of miles between them, during their time away from each other. And having that separation – together with the telephone, and not needing to look at each other to speak – was indeed a good opportunity to explore some topics.

“I’m here. Hi, Claire.”

“Jamie,” she smiled. “Where are you?”

“I’m at the label’s office. Colum dragged me here to meet with the suits. I said yes, as long as I could get lunch delivered and an office for an hour. So excuse me if you hear some chewing.”

“What’s for lunch?” Raymond’s voice crackled through the line.

“In-N-Out. My favorite, a double double with a chocolate shake. Claire, the more I’m here, the more I don’t miss being in L.A. But this…this I miss.”

“Well, as your doctor,” she teased, “I’m also grateful for your arteries that we don’t eat that kind of food at home.”

Jamie snorted. “So what did you do at the clinic today?”

“Splinted a broken thumb and stitched up a gash on a little boy’s head.”

“You sound like you’re smiling. I love that it makes you happy, but I’ll never understand why.”

“If I may,” Raymond interjected, “there’s a little more to it than making Claire happy. She and I explored that this morning.”

“Yeah.” Claire sipped her tea. “You’re right, Jamie – it does make me happy. It makes me happy because I enjoy doing it. But more than that, it gives me a sense of purpose. I’m helping people, I’m making a difference.”

“And?” Raymond prodded gently.

Claire pursed her lips. “And, it’s something that’s only mine.”

The line was silent for a long moment.

“Jamie?” she asked gently.

“You mean, something that’s separate from our life together, Claire?”

“Jamie,” Raymond responded, “if you’re thinking that this is something meant to replace you, or any aspect of your relationship…trust me when I say it’s not. When Claire and I spoke about this earlier today, she made it clear that that’s certainly not the case. It’s a way for her to build her own identity, as Dr. Claire Fraser. Because she’s left behind who Dr. Claire Beauchamp was – the surgeon and pill addict. And she’s also built an identity as Claire Fraser – wife to Jamie Fraser.”

“And I love being Claire Fraser, Jamie. I do. God, I wish I could hold your hand right now.” She sighed. “But I need to find out who Dr. Claire Fraser is. In my time at the clinic, I’ve started doing that. And I’m still tied to you. I wear your letter and your ring on my hand, and your name on my driver’s license and my heart. This is…just…more than all of that. There’s room for more.”

Still Jamie remained silent. Claire’s heart began to race.

But Raymond let the silence stretch.

“Jamie…” he finally interjected after a while. “Do you want Claire to keep exploring this side of who she is? Who she could be?”

“Of course,” Jamie replied instantly. “I want nothing more than for Claire to be happy, and for her to be who she’s meant to be. She’s meant to be a doctor. She’s known that since she was a little girl, and that’s so awesome she knows that about herself. I still don’t know who I want to be.” He paused, chewing. “And I know that she’s also meant to be with me, to be my wife. That’s another part of who she is. Am I right, Claire? I’m not off base?”

“You’re right,” she said softly.

“OK. So – I know that she’s a doctor, and she’s my wife. I also know that there’s a huge part of her, that she hasn’t been able to grow for the entire time we’ve known each other. We’ve focused so much on our…our love, and our sobriety, and my music. But now I see that that’s been at the expense of other things. Like, her being a doctor. And I honestly feel kind of terrible that while I’ve been recording new music and touring and performing and dealing with my own shit, that’s all taken over and hasn’t given her the space to explore and grow.”

“That’s one way to look at it, Jamie.” Raymond’s voice was so focused, and Claire pictured him scribbling in his notebook. “But you can’t beat yourself up over it. Does what Jamie said, resonate with you, Claire?”

She rested her head on her arms, folded on the arm of the couch. “It does and it doesn’t, Raymond. Yes, I stepped away from medicine while I was getting clean, and then it was more important to me to figure out how to be with Jamie, and then get used to life on the road, and focus on my marriage. So I decided to push medicine to the background. To support Jamie in the way he needed, the last tour. I made that choice. Jamie didn’t force it on me – I would have said something if it wasn’t what I wanted. And now, I’m choosing to grow this side of myself again.”

“I don’t ever want you to think that I don’t support anything you want to do, Claire,” Jamie said softly.

“I don’t ever even think of that, Jamie. And if I did, I’d tell you.”

“I hope you would. I wouldn’t ever want that to be a misunderstanding between us. I will support whatever you want to do, you know that, right?”

“That’s a good segue way,” Raymond spoke softly.

Claire cleared her throat. “I’m glad you’re with Colum today, Jamie, because I’d like you to ask him something for me, for the tour.”

“Okay…he already agreed to have a doctor on standby, you know. If we get pregnant.”

“I know. I love that you did that for us, Jamie. But this is something new. When we’re in Europe, I’d like to find a way to volunteer at local clinics wherever we are. To spend time doing that in every city. I know that it won’t always be possible, of course – but I want to give back, when I’m on the road. I don’t want to just stop when we leave North Carolina – I want to keep going. I want to keep exploring this side of myself. And I know that everywhere we go, there will be people who need my help.”

“I would love for you to do that, Claire.” She could see him grinning. “God I wish I could hold you right now, so tight. I want you to do this. This is fucking awesome.”

She swallowed. “I miss you so much, Jamie. I love you, and I love being with you, and I can’t wait to be with you on tour. But I need to have something consistent that’s my own. I can’t be with you all of the time. And this helps me to do that.”

“Fuck yeah. I want this for you. Think of how cool it will be.”

“Yeah!” she grinned ear to ear. “And even if I’m pregnant, I can still do it. For a time, anyway.”

“I’ll speak to Colum about it today. The label or the local promoters have got to have connections. And I don’t want there to be any publicity. I don’t want people to think you’re doing this for the PR.”

“And you’d be OK, Jamie, with Claire being away from you during the day?”

“Yeah, Doc. Um…being here in LA without her, I’m more comfortable saying that now.”

“Versus before you left?”

“Yeah. I – Claire, I love you so much, but we were spending too much time together. It was…suffocating.” He paused, clearly uncomfortable with silence on the line. “Baby, talk to me. Fuck, I hate that I can’t see you. Talk to me. Does that make sense to you, what I said?”

“Yeah.” She sighed. “I get it, Jamie. I love you so much. I want to be with you all the time, but it’s not healthy.”

“Raymond, does that make sense?” Jamie’s voice was rushed, almost panicked. “Am I making sense? That I want to be with Claire all the time but I know that’s not a good thing?”

“It does, Jamie, and you are. You didn’t mention this to me before – is this something you’re only realizing now, in this conversation?”

“Umm…yes and no. I mean, I miss Claire so much right now that it actually hurts. But it’s been so fucking great to be here with the band. Angus’ girlfriends are out of town, so we’ve been spending a lot of time together, just me and Ian and Angus. And Colum, too. It’s been so much fun. I’ve been so busy. Almost too busy to think of anything else.”

“So – those fears we talked about during my visit. That without Claire beside you, you’d somehow fall back into addiction. That you needed her as your anchor, your constant reminder to stay sober. Do you still feel that way?”

“A little bit. But it’s not a big fear front and center every moment of the day. I mean, it sucks to come back to an empty hotel room, and it’s hard for me to sleep alone, but I know that’s temporary. And, I know that on the Europe tour I’ll be very busy during the day, probably more than I was the last tour. So even if Claire was with me all those hours, it’s not like I could really do anything with her during that time. I’ll be busy, and it’s not fair to her to just sit around without me. She can use that time more productively. Like volunteering at local clinics.”

“Good. I know that it was really difficult for you to fly out there on your own, and I’m glad you called me before you left for the trip, too, because I think we’ll all agree that you staved off a panic attack by doing that. But now that you’re there, do you understand why I had recommended you spend some time apart?”

“Yeah. Claire, did you understand from the beginning?”

“I did. But that doesn’t matter, Jamie. What matters now is that you understand. And that we have a new plan for Europe.”

“I love you so fucking much, Claire. I need you, baby. I can’t wait to see you again.”

She blew a kiss through the phone.

Jamie coughed. “Um, Claire? I need to tell you something.”

“Are you all right?” Raymond cautiously asked, after about thirty seconds of silence on the line.

“Um…yeah. I got another tattoo.”

“O..kay…” Claire replied.

“Was this planned, or impulse?” Raymond asked gently.

“Um…I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I knew what I wanted, but I decided a bit last minute.”

“I see.” Claire spoke slowly. “What is it, and where is it?”

“It’s the outline of the state of North Carolina. On my left arm.”

Claire couldn’t help but smile. “Where? In that space between the koi fish and your mom’s name?”

Raymond chuckled. “The two of you, I swear.”

Jamie laughed. Free. “Yeah, Claire. I don’t even want to know how you guessed that.”

“What can I say,” she laughed. “The perks of being a rock star’s personal physician.”

[shamelesstragedyenjoyer]

Hi!! Do you have any fav Jason Todd- centric fic recs?? I like your taste in Jason's hc and takes hehe

Needles or Pines by Lanternwisp.

Sometimes Little Reds walk the path of needles, forbidden forests are urban jungles, the Woodsmen don't make it in time and disobedient children get eaten by wolves. It's when the story doesn't have the decency to end there that things get complicated.

No One's Son by Lanternwisp.

When it's revealed to Gotham's underworld that Red Hood is the second Robin and without the Bat Clan's protection, it's not long before every gang, cartel and rogue he's pissed off has him in their crosshairs. It's almost as bad as the "family"'s determination to find him first.

"Maybe Mike had been right after all - Jason is a Gotham kid. A real one, assembled and built with dirt and blood and dark alleyways, and he can't be washed clean of what's him."

Ugly Organs by One_Step_Closer_To_Death.

Jason Todd’s love is a wretched and terrible thing to be on the receiving end of. His grief, on the other hand, is incapacitating.

"How do you say – I think when you held me last, your rib fused with mine, and my marrow now creates your blood, my heart beats in tandem with yours – bones of my bones and flesh of my flesh, brother."

Things That Make it Warm by One_Step_Closer_To_Death.

“I’m not ordering Hawaiian,” Jason says immediately as he pulls up the menu for the local pizza place. [...] “Not even if I say please?” “Fuck that.” Jason says, and orders Hawaiian anyway.

All Roofs of Uncertainty by Kieron_ODuibhir.

For all the blood on his hands, Red Hood was never just a villain. And Nightwing never gives up on family, not for good.

Reclaiming Innocence by MurtaghMorzanson.

Jason Todd was kidnapped at nine-years-old and given two options. Work for his keep, or be forced to to work for his keep.

When Everything's made to be Broken by WorkingChemestry.

Nobody knows Jason Todd, not really, but there are a few who know these three facts: Jason Todd is a comet—frozen, poisonous, gas and fragmented rock that burns and evaporates as it passes closer to the sun. Jason Todd is a dancer—spinning spinning spinning on shattered bones and slipping on the blood that soaks through his slippers. Jason Todd is laughter—red streaked giggles ringing like tinnitus in a roaring crescendo that drowns out even his own heartbeat.

And since I know you are into SamBucky (stalker-ish of me to be aware of, I know) here's my top 5;

Not the End but The Start Of All Things by Notcaycepollard.

They keep driving, for lack of anything better to do. A mission, Sam had said, and maybe that's true; maybe wherever they're headed is the way out, the way up.

Guard The Angel by Silentnun.

"但警惕心还是有的，他尝试性掀起一边眼皮，然后发现整个眼球都肿胀得厉害，太阳穴底下像藏了个不正常的兔子中士，一跃一跃，不得安息。"

A Couple Rebel Top Gun Pilots by Notcaycepollard.

That seems to be the thing that breaks the ice between them; Bucky's never really hung out with Sam before, past being jammed into a too-small car for six hours and then two uncomfortable months in a safehouse trying not to get on each other’s last nerve. [...] He doesn’t notice, is the thing; doesn’t notice how ever since Sam's slept on his couch that night, he’s been letting Bucky closer bit by bit. That, as Bucky’s been wondering about the boundaries and structures of friendship, Sam’s been drawing in.

"There are weeks where he and Sam don't talk, where Bucky realizes they've gone days and days without seeing each other, and it always makes him think of the interiority of Sam's life. All the people he must know who Bucky's never met, the friends he has that are just names in his mouth.

It leaves this strange ache in his chest.[...]And he remembers what it was like to pour himself into somebody, the boundaries of their life and his blurring until it’s difficult to find the edges."

Diving Blind by Yukla.

Sam's about to exit out of the page and nag at Sarah for becoming a gossip-rag-follower when a voice starts piping out of his phone’s speaker. “Breaking news on our favorite superhero couple,” says the host of the show, bright and plasticky under the studio lights. “That’s right, folks! We’ve got solid evidence that the Cap and Winter Soldier romance is real—” Sam’s finger slams down on the pause button. What, he thinks, the hell.

I want to Feel Your Hearlines by Notcaycepollard.

The first time he watches Sam fall asleep, they’re in the stupid tiny car on the autobahn. Bucky stares at the back of Sam’s head, ignores how cramped his legs are. Watches Sam’s head slowly sink back and sideways until it’s slumped into the gap between the seat and the window. If he triangulates between the wing and rear-view mirrors, Bucky can see Sam’s face, slack with sleep, mouth soft. He wants to look and he doesn’t. He doesn’t know Sam Wilson at all, knows only that he doesn’t trust Bucky - an accurate assessment of Bucky’s threat level, Bucky thinks - and that he does trust Steve (also accurate, although probably stupid). Sam looks vulnerable, like this.

“It's fine,” Bucky says again, and means, you're warm, and means, you make me want to be gentle, and means, touch me again like I'm a person. Like you can take comfort from me."

"They sleep, and they sleep, fitting together in every bed for months, breath mingling and heartbeats blurring together until Bucky thinks Sam must carry both their hearts in his own chest."

[wordbunch]

SFW Alphabet: Aragorn

a/n: thank you @emmaarenstarr​ for requesting this and sending me back into my Aragorn era 🤭🤭 I’ve loved this man for SO long that I basically feel like I know him at this point...so this will be LONG and hopefully okay. 😂💙 let me know how you liked it, I really treasure all of your comments, and reblogging my work is always especially appreciated!! lots of love 💖

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?) He is very affectionate but in a very subtle way - a hand on your back in passing, a kiss to your temple, longing gazes across the room… he is very respectful but still likes to show you that he loves you in a physical way as well. He is affectionate to his friends, let alone his romantic partner! His go-to in public is a quick kiss to the back of your hand, but in private he could kiss you on the lips for the rest of time.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?) Loyal to the end, protective, honest… and it would be a long lasting friendship. I imagine you’d meet either during some of his “missions” as Strider, or maybe even in Rivendell as he was growing up; definitely way before the whole One Ring adventure. Even while you drift out of and back into each other’s lives due to different circumstances, the friendship never fades away. 

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?) He isn’t particularly inclined to cuddling because he’d always lived on-the-go and pretty independently. He doesn’t dislike cuddling, he is just pretty neutral. If you like it or suggest it, he will definitely do whatever is in his power to bring you joy; also he is very intuitive and he can guess when you need it after a particularly demanding day. In those situations he will gladly be the big spoon or, even better, lie on his back and just let you drape yourself over him in any way you please.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?) Eventually he does want to settle down - he’d had his fair share of wandering around and not having one set place to call home - but he’s certain that you are his home. He’s decent at cooking relatively simple stuff and he obviously does it well enough to keep himself alive and strong. Cleaning isn’t his strongest suit, I mean… it’s difficult to keep things clean when you basically live on dirt roads and forests, and then later when you become King, you don’t really need to clean… 

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) only thinking about this is detrimental to my mental health… straight to the point, as rational as possible, and put together, but he feels incredibly guilty when he sees the defeated look in your eyes, and he genuinely wishes nothing but the very best for you.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?) Aragorn is a certified slow burn king, he is very committed in a relationship and he would never entertain the thought of being with someone if he didn’t see it working in the long run. He would surely want to figure out as many things as possible before getting married and he would want to ensure that he can give you the best possible life.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?) For somebody who is an amazingly skilled warrior and terrifying to his enemies, privately he is a very gentle man because with you he can let go of the constant caution and he doesn’t have to be on edge all the time. It actually fascinates you how different he can be in different settings. Emotionally as well, he is very loving and wagers his words a lot; it literally seems that he always says the right thing at the right time.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?) For Aragorn hugs are a way of making sure you’re there and safe and okay, and they’re a great remedy for stress and tiredness. Bone crushing hugs after a dangerous situation include him burying his face in your hair or neck and holding onto you for dear life. His hugs are very comfortable - somehow he is always warm, and there’s probably a height difference so you can tuck your head underneath his chin. Again, he’s not too big of a fan of overt displays of affection, but when he comes into your shared quarters after a long day, you can always count on at least one proper hug.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?) Slow. Burn. King. Surprisingly or not, you were the first one who hinted at those kinds of feelings between you two! After the first confession, he doesn’t say it too often in those exact words - they’re very special and sacred to him. However, he makes sure you know you’re loved in many other ways. For example, he can be very romantic and even poetic with his compliments and he will do anything for you, without you having to ask. I’d say his love languages are most likely acts of service and quality time.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?) Aragorn is literally not jealous at all - his trust in you is unwavering and he is confident that you love him and are committed to him. Rather he gets concerned if he thinks that someone is pestering you or making you uncomfortable and then he steps in if things start to escalate. To an outsider he will seem very cool and collected when he stands up for you, but you can read him better than that.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?) He is a classically romantic man and there’s nothing better to him than a full-on love-packed kiss on the lips!!! Which is mostly saved for behind four walls. His kisses are always slow and thorough, he takes his sweet time showing you love, and one of his hands always winds up in your hair to pull you in even closer. Due to a height difference it’s also very convenient for him to kiss you on the forehead or your hair, whereas public settings and occasions call for something more subtle, like a swoon-worthy kiss on the back of your hand, which is often held in his. His absolute weakness is when, during more intimate times, you kiss him right under his jaw or on the neck. 

L = Little ones (How are they around children?) To be fair, he hasn’t had too much experience being around kids, and he is mostly neutral - not good, not bad, he just thinks they’re okay. He’d be protective due to his nature, but that is about it. 

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?) Before you he used to be a man who’d just get up and start his day immediately (if he’d even got proper sleep at all), but after you got together that aspect of his life changed greatly. He is unbelievably cuddly in the mornings and he likes to just wrap himself around you as much as possible and relish in that skin-to-skin contact while still being half asleep. You treasure those moments a lot, because ruling a kingdom is insanely hectic, and having him all to yourself in comfortable silence, or soft whispering, is priceless.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?) Sometimes you must attend balls and dinners, which isn’t exactly on the list of his favorite activities, but having an arm around you and seeing you looking so royal and gorgeous and vibrant makes it much more bearable. The kinds of nights and evenings that he prefers, though, is when the two of you can just escape for a little bit from the hustle and bustle, and spend some time in nature. He can still sometimes miss the kind of life he’d had as a ranger, so you occasionally make an effort to steal him away and go exploring a forest or just camp out under the stars. He appreciates it more than he’ll ever be able to say.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?) Many times we’ve established that he takes things slow most of the time, and here it’s no different. Furthermore, he is very in touch with his emotions and, while he still has struggles and doubts about a plethora of things, he is really good at sorting them out on his own. Occasionally you have to push him a little bit to confess some things to you (just because he doesn’t want you to worry about anything), but other than that he has no trouble revealing anything. 

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?) It really takes an extreme situation for him to get angry; he sometimes gets just a bit frustrated if he cannot change something for the better, and he feels like he should be able to.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?) His memory is impeccable, especially when it comes to “big” things and events, but sometimes details slip his mind, such as your favorite flower or dessert, but don’t hold it against him - he needs to process too much information on the daily. Actually it is a bit funny when he gets something wrong, like the favorite color for your new cape, because he gets unusually embarrassed and flustered , which is oddly funny to see on him.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?) While he treasures everything and anything, if he had to pick just one moment, it would be when you first verbalized your feelings for him. The two of you had been friends for ages, secretly pining for one another, but nobody spoke up for a while. Until once he was patching up an injury of yours and you didn’t have the clearest mind and weren’t fully aware of your words and surroundings… thus, things happened. He wasn’t really sure whether he should trust your clouded judgment and slurred words, but he decided to follow his heart and finally pursue you romantically. The fact that he could have lost you that day just cemented what he thought he felt for you, and he kind of criticized himself for not acting on his feelings way earlier. 

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?) Aragorn is very very protective in any way you can think of, it’s just who he is. One of his biggest fears is something terrible happening to you, and he will act out immediately, maybe sometimes even a bit rashly, if he senses that might be the case. You know he means well and usually you let him, although he has so much respect for your independence and knows you can handle many things on your own, but it just makes him feel like he’s “doing a good job” in at least one aspect of your relationship. You have almost never needed to protect him physically, for him it’s more than enough when you hear him out about something and even advise him about what might be the healthiest option for him - basically you protect him against burnout and overworking as much as you can.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?) Aragorn is sort of in the middle of the spectrum - he doesn’t get you all the stars from the sky, but also he is never careless and he doesn’t take you for granted. Sometimes you give him hints about what you would like as a present or a date idea, and he’s intelligent enough to pick up on it immediately, and you’re both okay with that. Every now and then he goes out of his way, as much as circumstances permit him to, but one of your ways of showing him that you love him is when you take charge of planning an activity for the two of you, getting him a meaningful present, or just pampering him a little bit because honestly he deserves that sometimes. 

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?) He takes up entirely too many responsibilities upon himself and he tends to feel too responsible for others’ actions if he’d maybe been the one advising them or helping them in some way… and then he will feel bad if something goes wrong for somebody else because maybe he could have done something differently and the outcome would have been better.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?) Have you seen him - this man literally doesn’t care. Obviously it stems from way before he was King, but eventually he has to start paying more attention to it, and he appreciates your comments and input about his looks and clothes. 

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?) Not really, no. He’s fully used to being alone and is extremely self-sufficient in more ways than one. However, it’s undeniable that you bring great joy into his life and make it more rich and vibrant.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.) Hear me out… his morning voice is something else. That is all I’m going to say. (may the unholy thoughts begin)

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?) People who don’t stick to their word, break promises and things like that. He tries his hardest to honor the things he says and believes in, and that is also a personality trait that he really appreciates in other people.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?) He is an incredibly light sleeper and he doesn’t need a lot of sleep to function properly. He prefers that you fall asleep first as he watches over you. However, sometimes you have to all but force him to go get some proper sleep during some extra busy and taxing days, and then you run your fingers through his hair as he drifts off to sleep.

-

✨ taglist my beloved ✨ @lotrnonsense​​​​​​ @starlady66​​​​​​ @queenmeriadoc​​ @entishramblings​​​​​​ @thesolarangel​​​​​​ @silversword7000​​​​​​ @friendofthefellowshipsnerdblog​​​​​​ @averys-place​​​​​​ @valkyriepirate​​​​​​ @emmaarenstarr​​​​​​ @noldorinpainter​​​​​​ @asianbutnotjapanese​​​​​​ @adamgetawaydriver​​​​​​ @fenharel-enaste​​​​​​ @ironmandeficiency​​​​​​      @starryeyedrogue​​ @dinofromspac3​​  @wisheduponastar​ @lady-of-imladris @frodo-cinnamonroll ​

[anyasathenaeum]

Across Time and Space (Part 2)

A/N: Part 2 time for the Eriks!Vash hurt/comfort fic LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! God I love hurt/comfort, and God I love Eriks. Anyways, here, have this, the some-more-hurt-and-mostly-comfort part of the hurt/comfort! For those who missed the first part, read part 1 here!

Pairing: Eriks!Vash x reader

Warnings: Slight violence, literally still just going off episode 18 of Trigun so potential spoilers for those who haven't watched it, still potential spoilers for episode 12 of Trigun Stampede, lots of emotions, a mix of Tristamp and 98 Trigun Vash/Eriks

When you regained consciousness, you found yourself in what seemed to be an abandoned building of some kind, laying against a wall. It was dark, but you could make out that there were a LOT of bandits around. In your immediate vicinity, there were at least 50. Immediately to your left, you saw Lina, who had her hands tied and was being kept under watch.

"Ahhh, lookie who's finally awake!"

A voice startled you, and as you turned your head, you saw a particularly nasty-looking bandit smiling evilly at you, his eyes filled with malice as he approached you.

"I'm so glad you tried going after the little runt who kicked me in the face, cause now you're both our hostages. Now, you can pay for taking out so many of my men. I couldn't have planned it better myself!" The bandit roared, his accomplices and subordinates laughing with him.

That's right - you had heard the bandits passing by your hospital window, talking about going to kidnap Lina as revenge against both her and Eriks, who had turned out to be Vash. Your Vash. There was no way you were going to let Lina get hurt, so, you swiftly climbed out of the hospital window and went after the bandits going to kidnap Lina. You had actually managed to incapacitate quite a number of them before one had successfully snuck up behind you and knocked you out, taking you as a second hostage to use against Eriks.

'Vash,' You reminded yourself, despite the horrible pain it caused in your chest, 'They're using you against Vash. Eriks is Vash.'

You tried to get up to face the bandit, your anger flaring up within you, but you found your arms were tied together behind your back, making it extremely difficult for you to get up without somebody physically lifting you in support.

"You bastards," You hissed angrily, not even trying to hide your hatred and rage, "She's a child! Let her go!"

The lead bandit just shrugged, still grinning evilly, "I don't think so. She decided to cross me. So now, she's paying the price, just like you are. And soon that blonde fool will suffer, too!"

"You keep Eriks out of this!" Lina yelled, but one hard look from the bandit guarding her and him cocking his gun silenced her immediately.

You had to hand it to her - for somebody so young, Lina was incredibly brave. You were impressed by her spirit.

"Don't you hurt her!" You snapped at the guard, shouting and glaring at him with such intensity that the guard visibly flinched, "If you touch her, the minute I'm free, I'll break every bone in your body, do you understand me?"

The bandit leader just laughed before grabbing your hair and tugging your head back, causing you to cry out in pain as he pulled hard, your scalp burning. You heard Lina scream something in the background, but couldn't make it out, your focus tunneling in on the bandit leader as he sneered down at you.

"You shut up or I'll shoot you this instant, you hear me?"

You found yourself just smirking and letting out a cold laugh, refusing to bend to this monster's will, "I'd love to see you try that. Go ahead, shoot me. Then you're one hostage down and Eriks will kick your ass anyways."

This infuriated the bandit, causing him to pull your head back even harder, a hiss of pain escaping you as he did so as you felt the roots of your hair lifting from the force of the bandit's grip. However, the bandit just spluttered and couldn't actually form any comprehensible argument, so you just smiled bigger - you knew you were right. You called his bluff.

However, you being right about the situation didn't stop the bandit leader from pistol whipping you across the face. You let out a cry as the pistol made contact with your cheek, the pain blinding you and the force of the strike sending you sprawling onto the floor. You could hear Lina screaming in the background for the bandit to stop, but the bandit leader just laughed before walking off, leaving you both with the guard.

As you lay on the ground, you could see stars and your vision was blurry from the force of the hit, the pain disorienting you. Your face was throbbing where the pistol had struck you, and from the intensity of the pain, you knew that your face was going to bruise, if your bone hasn't straight up been broken.

"(Y/N)! Are you okay?!"

You heard Lina crying out to you, and you struggled to sit up so you could face her. Eventually, you shifted enough for Lina to be able to see your face, and you just offered her as best a smile as you could, trying to comfort her.

"Oh, I'm fine! Don't worry, Lina. That guy hits like a wimp," You replied casually, your grin hopefully coming across convincing.

It seemed to work, because you could see Lina relaxing slightly as you smiled at her. However, deep down, you were starting to worry. You knew that Wolfwood and Vash were likely already on their way, but there were so many bandits. They were walking into a fight against 200+ bandits.

'Vash... Wolfwood...' You thought desperately, 'Please be careful.'

MEANWHILE

Vash and Wolfwood walked side by side as they approached the abandoned building. Even from where they were, they could see all the guns pointed at them both from every window of the building. That didn't stop them from continuing to approach.

"How many are there?" Wolfwood asked, glancing from window to window.

"About 200," Vash answered, his expression grim as they both continued to approach the building.

"A hundred for each of us, huh?" Wolfwood replied, smirking slightly as he lugged his cross over his shoulder.

"Yup."

Wolfwood just sighed, "Well, that's not exactly fair to them," before uncovering the Punisher, revealing the gun in all its glory.

"Uh, hey! I don't want you killing anybody, alright?!" Vash exclaimed, causing Wolfwood to become exasperated.

"Why don't you just ask me not to breathe?!"

"Thou shalt not kill, remember?!" Vash shot back, looking thoroughly unimpressed with his companion, "What kind of church man are you, anyway?!"

At that, Wolfwood just smiled a bit and laughed, "Woah, déjà-vu, I've heard that before. Now you're starting to sound like your old self."

Vash just offered a small smile in return. Deep down, he didn't really feel like his old self and hadn't for the past 2 years, but now... his old self was resurfacing. Especially now that you were in danger. Vash wasn't going to let you get hurt ever again. Not after how badly he had hurt you in choosing not to let you know he was alive.

The ground right next to Vash and Wolfwood exploded as the bandits fired a warning shot at them. Vash could see the bandit leader standing on the roof of the building, laughing maniacally as he had fired the shot at them.

Suddenly, Vash heard a voice cry out.

"Eriks!"

Vash's expression became one of worry as he saw Lina being held by a bandit, a gun pressed to her temple. And next to her-

His heart hit the ground.

Your face was bloodied and bruised, your eye swollen shut and black. You had an expression of fear and pain on your face, and the bandit holding you also had a gun pressed to your temple, just like Lina.

Rage. Pure, unaltered rage rose up within Vash - somebody dared to lay a hand on you and hurt you. All because you fought to protect Lina, just as he had.

"Woah, woah, woah," Wolfwood muttered, his arm shooting out in front of Vash for a second, "Hang on a second, Stampede. Take a breather."

Wolfwood could feel the anger radiating off of Vash, and he knew that if he didn't do this, Vash likely would've charged in already and gotten shot. Vash, on his end, knew that Wolfwood was right. He needed to recollect himself and focus, otherwise, there was no chance of him being able to get you out of there safely.

Once he had calmed down, Vash took a deep breath and a small smile appeared on his face, prepared to get you and Lina out of there.

"Time to kill!"

The bandit leader roared suddenly, and every single gun pointed at Vash and Wolfwood began to fire. Somehow, not a single bullet hit either one of them, and they both approached the building, bringing up their guns and getting ready for the fight.

"Showtime."

Both Vash and Wolfwood spoke in tandem, continuing to walk towards the building completely unphased.

Once the gunfire started, you and Lina were pulled back from the windows by your respective guards, and everything became a blur to you. It was hard to see as one of your eyes had swelled up, but from what you could see, the bandits weren't doing a great job of actually hitting their targets.

You found yourself smiling to yourself despite the gun barrel pressed to your temple and the aching pain radiating and throbbing in your face. Given the rising panic in the voices of the bandits, you could tell that Vash and Wolfwood were making headway. You were sure they'd be there for you and Lina shortly.

"Hey, what are you grinning about?! Quit that!" The guard holding you shouted, causing you to wince as he yelled in your ear. However, you refused to stand down, just grinning wider.

"You're screwed," You replied with a gently crazy laugh, "You're so screwed."

"Shut up!" The guard yelled again, and the gun barrel pressed against your temple disappeared for a second as the guard raised his pistol to strike you again.

Two gunshots rang out and the pistol the guard was holding fell to the ground as the guard yelped, as well as the pistol that the guard holding Lina had been holding. You flinched, half expecting the blow, until you suddenly felt the guard release you from his grip and heard him and the guard that had been holding Lina hightailing it as fast as they both could in the opposite direction.

When you looked up and turned to see what had saved you, your heart stuttered in your chest and squeezed painfully.

"Eriks," You mumbled softly, being careful not to call him Vash with Lina standing directly behind you.

The look on Vash's face was one of determination and worry as he sprinted over to you and Lina.

"Eriks!" You heard Lina exclaim happily as Vash ran over, quickly pulling both of you into a tight hug, holding you both close.

You couldn't really process what was happening. Vash was here. Vash was alive. Eriks was Vash. Vash saved you. Vash was here.

Vash, Vash, Vash.

"It's okay," You heard Vash whisper to you both, his tone quiet and calm, "I've got you both. Let's get out of here. Let's get you both home."

Wolfwood must've finally taken out the remaining bandits as it was suddenly quiet, and the preacher was walking over to you all slowly, unhurried.

As Vash untied Lina, Wolfwood untied your arms, double-taking a bit as he looked at your face.

"Woah, (Y/N), what happened to your face?" Wolfwood asked, looking over the wound on your face.

"They were a badass, that's what happened!"

You were surprised to hear Lina piping up, her voice excited and completely in awe of you.

You found the heat rising to your face a bit as you looked down, mumbling, "Not really..."

"You were, though! You refused to let the bad guys push you around! You were amazing! I hope I'm as tough as you someday!" Lina insisted, her eyes glistening as she looked at you.

You just smiled as best you could at her, "Wanna know a secret, Lina? You already are. You're brave, kid. Don't ever lose that."

Lina turned a beautiful shade of pink, and as you gazed at her, you could feel Vash's eyes on you. However, you knew that if you looked at him right now, you'd break down on the spot and this was neither the time or the place.

"Let's get going," You spoke up, straightening up and turning to Wolfwood, "Best we get out of here before any of these idiots regain consciousness."

Wolfwood just nodded before glancing over at Vash, who was still looking at you, clearly worried and wanting to approach you. Once Vash looked at Wolfwood, Wolfwood just jerked his head.

"Come on, let's get back to Grandma Sheryl. I'm sure she's worried sick about you two," Wolfwood stated, glancing at Vash and Lina.

Once you had all returned to town, Grandma Sheryl was in an uproar. She ran around, hugging Lina and Vash tightly and thanking Vash and Wolfwood for saving Lina, then she hugged you and thanked you for keeping Lina safe while kidnapped and for protecting her. After the initial uproar, Grandma Sheryl sent Lina upstairs to take a bath and Vash to go get cleaned up, while Wolfwood stood outside smoking his cigarette. You, however, were asked to stay behind in the kitchen with Grandma Sheryl.

"Oh, goodness, your face," Grandma Sheryl exclaimed, bringing her hands up to your face, gently turning your head from side to side as she evaluated it, "What happened?!"

You just winced a bit as she pressed her fingers against your bruise, hissing a bit as you answered, "Ow! I, um, was pistol whipped. I angered the bandit leader when I protected Lina."

Grandma Sheryl frowned at that before going over to her fridge and pulling out some ice that she wrapped into a kitchen towel and applied it gently to your eye, "Here... Let's try to get that swelling down. I'll clean that cut on your cheekbone too, now, and we'll get you some pain medication, dear."

You smiled as best as you could at the old woman, feeling genuinely fond of her, "Thank you, Sheryl. I appreciate you taking care of me."

"It's the least I can do after you protected my Lina," Grandma Sheryl replied, smiling up at you warmly before proceeding to clean the cut on your cheek and providing you with pain medication.

Once you were fully taken care of, you sat in the kitchen holding a warm drink, just speaking with Grandma Sheryl softly. Eventually, the night crept in and you stood up.

"It's getting late and your household has had a long day. I should go. I'm sure Wolfwood and I will have to find somewhere to stay for the night anyways," You spoke up, nodding your head to Grandma Sheryl, "Thank you so much for taking care of us. I appreciate it."

Grandma Sheryl just shook her head, "Think nothing of it, dear. As for a place to stay, why don't you and the priestly fellow stay here tonight? Eriks has a spare bed in his room and there's another spare room upstairs with a mattress in it. I'm certain we can make it work."

You bit your lip, unsure, "We wouldn't dream of imposing on you and your family."

Grandma Sheryl, however, was having none of it and already stood up, "It's settled. You and Mr. Wolfwood shall sleep here tonight. It's the least we can do in thanks to you both."

Suddenly, her gaze shifted to something behind you and her face lit up, "Oh, perfect. Eriks, can you please escort (Y/N) upstairs to the spare room? They will be staying with us overnight. Would you be alright with Mr. Wolfwood using the spare bed in your room?"

"Of course," came Vash's voice as he walked up next to you, looking down at you with a soft smile on his face. You felt your heart rate speed up, but you just nodded, no longer trusting your voice as you followed Eriks upstairs, yelling a "thank you!" over your shoulder to Grandma Sheryl.

However, once you and Vash were upstairs, Vash stopped outside a door before opening it, letting you walk in first. It wasn't the spare room that Grandma Sheryl had mentioned - instead, it was his room. Vash just shut the door gently behind him before turning to look at you, his heart pounding frantically in his chest.

"(Y/N)..." Vash began, his voice shaking as he tried to voice all his emotions, his thoughts, his fears, but the words didn't seem to want to come out.

Vash struggled, tears filling his eyes and his fists clenched tightly by his sides. There was so much he wanted to say to you, but now that you were here, he couldn't find a way to tell you. He couldn't find a way to tell you how much he missed you, how much he still loved you, how he had thought of you every single day, praying you were safe, wondering if you ever thought of him, how he wanted to fall onto his knees here in front of you and cry and beg for your forgiveness even though he didn't deserve it after hurting you the way he did.

A strangled, sobbing, gasping sound escaped Vash, and all he could do was lower his head - he didn't feel like he could even look at you anymore. It hurt too much, to see the hurt he had left in you in the way you stood, in your posture, the lines on your face, the lack of life in your eyes. And now, to see the wounds another had left on you because you had dared to protect somebody Vash held dear... it was as if Vash's heart had been torn out of his chest and stomped on over and over again.

The silence in the room, asides from Vash's quiet sobs, was deafening. Vash had faced many hardships in his life, and had faced many losses and heartbreaks, but nothing rivaled this. The fact that you stood there, saying nothing... every second that passed broke Vash's heart a little more as he felt you slipping from his grasp.

Which is why when you suddenly walked forward and practically tackled him into a hug, Vash didn't process it immediately. Your arms wrapped tightly around him, your face pressed against his skin as you held him tighter than you had ever done so before. Your whole body was shaking, and you couldn't believe that this was happening.

Vash was here. He was alive. And he was here.

Vash couldn't believe what was happening. You were... hugging him. You weren't yelling, or cussing him out, or telling him that you hated him and wanted nothing to do with him after everything he'd done to you. You were holding him as if... you still loved him.

"You're alive," You whispered hoarsely, your voice trembling as you clutched onto Vash as if he'd vanish for real the moment you loosened your grip, "You're alive."

When Vash heard your voice, heard your gentle, almost disbelieving tone, felt your body shaking as you held him, he realized that you really did still love him. Vash immediately wrapped his arms around you, clutching onto you just as you were clutching onto him, burying his face into the crook of your neck, his scruff tickling your skin. He tried so hard to restrain himself but Vash couldn't hold back his tears as he felt the warmth of you against him, inhaled your familiar scent, heard your voice for real rather than in his dreams.

"I'm alive," Vash sobbed out, tightening his grip on you, "And I'm so, so sorry, (Y/N). I-I just couldn't..."

Again, Vash's words failed him. He couldn't explain to you why he did what he did, but before he could even try, you were shaking your head, tears now pouring down your face but a shaky, genuine smile present on your lips.

"You did what you had to, Vash," You got out, "I know that. You did what you needed to survive."

Vash just began to cry harder as he held you tighter - he didn't get it. How could you be so understanding? He had hurt you, and now, you weren't even angry with him. But you were here, with him, holding him, and that was enough for Vash right now.

"I love you," Vash sobbed out, drawing back and pressing his forehead against yours, cupping your face in his hands, "I love you, (Y/N). I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Stop," You whispered out softly, closing your eyes as you returned the pressure against Vash's forehead, "Stop, Vash. It's okay. I love you. You're alive. God, I can't believe it. You're alive."

You couldn't be more thankful than you were in that moment - Vash was alive. He still loved you. He still wanted you and was here, holding you close. Somehow, all the pain and the suffering that had become your daily companion simply vanished, pure joy and happiness overtaking the space it had occupied in your heart. You couldn't have asked for anything else in your life than to get a second chance with the man you loved.

You and Vash just held each other, sobbing and crying and shaking as you both came to terms with the fact that you were both together again. It could've been hours, days, weeks before the two of you finally separated from your embrace and you wouldn't have cared.

"S-So... what now?" You sniffled, wiping away your tears as you looked up at Vash's tear-stained face.

"I... I don't know," Vash answered truthfully, his voice still thick with emotion, "Just, please don't go. I have no right to ask it of you, I know, but please, (Y/N), don't go."

You shook your head, fighting back another round of tears as you offered a wobbly smile, "I'm not going anywhere without you for as long as I live, Vash."

Vash let out a small chuckle and pulled you back into another hug, "I'm never going anywhere you can't follow me, (Y/N). I promise."

"I'll hold you to that," You replied shakily, burrowing into his embrace again, "You hear me, Stampede?"

Vash leans his head down with another quiet chuckle before pressing his lips against yours in a passionate kiss, "I'd expect nothing less."

The long-awaited kiss set off fireworks in your blood, and both you and Vash managed to channel all your emotions through the kiss, showing one another how much you missed each other, how much you loved each other, how neither of you wanted anything but to stay in this moment for the rest of your lives. From this point forward, nothing else mattered. Vash had you back and Vash was alive, and you were together. It was just you and Vash in the world, and neither of you would trade this for anything.

"So... are we kicking Wolfwood to the spare room, Vash?"

"Oh, you know it. We have a lot of catching up to do, love."

Edit: Tagging people who asked to be tagged + those on my taglist! @aquamarine001, @alphamoon, @ready2readagain, @zukoisbabee (it didn't let me tag you for some reason I'm sorry!), @iceoblivious, @mossygalaxy, @spacioussoul, @ryuukami4

[paradimeshifts7]

All my things, all in one place 🌱 ↴

Twitter | ao3

All my fics, mostly steddie:

Desperado (You better let somebody love you)

Rated E | 164k | Exes to lovers

Twelve years after tire tracks and shattered trust, Wayne's illness brings Eddie back to Hawkins.

Once Bitten (Twice Shy)

Rated E | 22k | Christmas fic

Steve’s relationship with Christmas had always been tenuous, to say the least, but it didn’t help that this was the first Christmas he would be suffering through since his ex-girlfriend had snatched up his self-esteem and taken off running the year before.

He knew it was the intrinsically romantic quality of the holiday season, and nothing more. Just his lonely bones after a year of healing from heartbreak.

But Eddie's arms around him when he needed them most were starting to feel a lot like love.

Silk Chiffon

Rated E | 6k | Library smut

Steve and Eddie visit Robin and Nancy at Emerson, and a casual stroll through the library stacks turns into the best blowjob of Steve's goddamn life.

Tooth and Nail

Rated E | 113k | Punk pop slow burn

Eddie told himself that he was done, because he wouldn’t survive another heartbreak at that boy’s hands. But he really, really needs someone to open for them on tour.

Steve has a fist full of letters by the time he arrives in Los Angeles, but the Eddie Munson he knew is nowhere to be found. Left to make sense of this new version of the friend he once bared his soul to, Steve’s just trying not to fall off the fucking deep end again.

Lover, Come Over

Rated E | 15k | EMT Eddie/Divorcee Steve

Steve Harrington is the last person Eddie expects to see sitting on the curb when he responds to the call, but there he is, looking like absolute hell.

Sometimes, love is right on time.

Apple Pie (Baked Just Right)

Rated M | 4k | Food as a love language

Three times Steve silently says "I love you", and the one time Eddie says it back.

This Little Light of Mine

Rated E | 4k | Dad fic

It begins with a cough.

Just a dry, brittle thing that starts up one Friday morning over rice cereal and apple juice.

One look at Rosie, and Eddie knew she’d pull through just fine. Kids get sick, a simple fact of life. Something Steve, surely, is aware of.

Right?

Star Light, Star Bright

Rated E | 4k | Soulmates, Dreams

Steve swore he never dreamt before the age of sixteen, his nights spent swimming alone through dark, formless slumber until suddenly — he was no longer alone.

At age twenty, he finds himself staring into a pair of familiar eyes.

The Very Thought of You

Rated E | 65k | Jazz AU

The jazz music scene explodes when world-renowned pianist Eddie Munson is spotted getting cozy with a mystery man in New York City. Journalists have managed to link the pretty face to the prestigious Harrington name, an old money family with business all over the globe and a direct link to Diana Harrington, famous jazz starlet. But reports of bad trades and schemes gone wrong are beginning to muddy the waters of this particular love story, and it’s only a matter of time before the real origins of this torrid affair emerge.

The Poem You Make of Me

Rated E | 7k | Touch-starved wlw

“Could I?” She asks, barely a whisper.

“Could you what?”

“Take care of you,” Eddie says, ducking down to press a slow kiss to Stevie’s shoulder, pausing to murmur against her skin. “Make you feel good.”

Soft as Sin (Let Me In)

Rated E | 2k | pwp

Steve Harrington was drunk, although not as drunk as he wanted to be. Definitely not drunk enough to distract him from the fact that Eddie was sleeping no more than six feet away, the curves of his body laid out on the twin bed blurred in the dark. Despite the constant swimming in his head, Steve lay still, having to remind himself to breathe every couple of moments lest he pass out from the sheer apprehension.

Sugar’s Sweet (And So Is He)

Rated E | 42k | Sugar baby Steve/lit professor Eddie

The sugar baby!Steve and lit professor/author!Eddie au, wherein Eddie is a disaster at fine dining, and Steve helps him out.

Among the Wildflowers

Rated E | 28k | Steddie BB ‘23

It was easy, letting go. At least, that’s what Eddie told himself as he watched Hawkins fade to a tiny smudge on the horizon, his whole life packed into the van and Wayne’s old truck as they fled the Indiana tree line for the high mountain valleys of Idaho. Amidst the hot, dry air and sweet sagebrush, Eddie’s mind wandered, crawling back night after night under a blanket of stars to the golden boy he left behind and the chasm in his chest that used to house his heart — whistling and waiting, a near eternal ache.

Home came together slowly, and then all at once when Steve Harrington showed up on his doorstep a year later — haggard and worn, searching for something among the wildflowers.

A tale of death, birth, and the promise of green.

Some Kind of Angel

Rated E | 6k | Accidental subspace

The one where Eddie yells at Steve, and Steve accidentally goes into subspace about it.

Strawberry Fields

Rated E | 19k | Small town romcom

So close to earning his Emmy and the life he's always wanted, Steve sets off with a cameraman to the tiny town of Mt. Harding, hoping to catch a glimpse of a winter solstice phenomenon held secret by locals. It’s not exactly the gig he’s always dreamed of, but he’ll make it work. The only problem is that he has to do it with Eddie Munson.

The Moon Doesn’t Mind

Rated E | 14k | Unconventional omegaverse

Stuck in the Upside Down, Steve and Eddie are forced to reckon with what they’ve become, and what they’ve always been.

Monster. Inhuman. Changed.

In the Garden, Under Your Hand

Rated E | 23k | Community garden au

Thrown into community service after a bad run-in with his dad, Eddie is hardly expecting the next few months to be anything of note. That is, until Steve Harrington emerges from behind a patch of sunflowers at the community garden, claiming to be his supervisor.

The Winner Takes It All

Rated E | 32k | Romcom (My Best Friend’s Wedding AU)

Later, as he was sitting on the toilet, he remembered what Steve had said: February. The wedding was in February. Eddie checked his phone, confirming his suspicion.

“Fuck,” he swore softly, and then again, “Fuck.”

A little over two months until Steve said I do, binding himself to a total stranger. Eddie wasn’t about to let his best friend get snatched up by someone who was likely not good enough for him, let alone someone Eddie had never heard of. Steve was too kind to be taken advantage of like that — too special.

How things had ended up as they had, Eddie couldn’t be sure, but one way or another, he was going to get to the bottom of it.

On the Living Room Floor

Rated T | 1k | Stobin minific

The end of the world happens on a Tuesday.

Kalahari Down

Rated E | 11k | Small town country singer Steve/Rockstar Eddie

When his tour bus breaks down just outside of Hawkins, Indiana, Eddie Munson isn’t expecting the tiny town to offer up anything more than a cheap drink and a few side eyes.

He isn’t expecting Steve.

Tempest Entire

Rated E | 20k | Lighthouse/amnesia

The shape loomed dark and odd in the middle distance, flat on the sand like some dead thing, ominous in its unrecognizability. Through the lash of salt, Eddie squinted, walking toward the shape with morbid curiosity. He felt himself pale as he came closer, a knot of dread drawing tight in his stomach, because it wasn’t a seal or any kind of plant-based lump that lay motionless on the beach.

It was a man.

Impossible Not To

Rated E | 2k | Stommy collab with @tone-mariie

Except for Steve, it had always been more than that.

I’ll Show You Hands Ready to Bleed

Rated E | 5k | Vampire Eddie

It was meant to be a casual offer.

“You could drink some of my blood, I don’t mind.”

But the moment Eddie’s pupils began to narrow at the notion, Steve knew there was going to be nothing casual about what happened next.

Evermore

Rated E | 50k | Magic/fantasy au

The blight spread quickly, ravenous in its hunger as it stretched toward the high seat of the royal city, its evil already well-known to the farmlands where the earth lay dry and cracked — where magic and its ruin had no friend.

Steve knew the labor he put forth on his father’s land would amount to nothing, but still he toiled, knowing not what else to do, the oath he’d sworn a noose around his neck.

That is, until a stranger stumbled into his shed and into his life.

Until Eddie.

Come a Little Closer

Rated E | 10k | ren faire, omegaverse

Waylaid by a surprise rut, Eddie is certain he won’t be able to get through the ren faire without making it tragically weird for everyone involved. Steve is convinced he can get him through it — what are his stupid pheromones for, after all? Everything will be fine. That is, if Steve can keep his own feelings in check.

[bonezone44]

Gotta Start with a Good Foundation

Joel Miller x afab!Reader

Word Count: 1171

Summary: After you and Joel get to know each other a little bit, you make your move. (takes place before the D/s relationship begins)

Tags: afab!Reader, sub!reader, Dom!Joel, negotiations

Story Masterlist - Main Masterlist

+++++

"I don't do ‘one and done,’ okay? Some people are fine with that, but I'm not." He shakes his head. "It doesn't work for me.” Joel shrugs, his arms crossed and tight against his chest. “I've tried it and I don't like it." 

“Okay,” you respond with a short nod. Your jaw is slack and your cheeks burn.

It was terrifying enough to admit to your attraction to Joel. You had been joking and playful with your approach because it was easier that way–easier to yank the words from the inside of your brain to the outside of your lips. But you realize now that it had made you come across as casual and flighty–like you were toying with the whole idea. Like you were toying with him.

"It takes dedication.” He taps the table between you with the spread of his fingertips. 

"Yes."

“It takes time and energy and resources, okay?”  His eyebrows are furrowed and serious. He licks his lips. “It takes real commitment." 

“Yes,” you repeat, with another short nod, because you do agree. You’re embarrassed that your actions implied otherwise.

"And I don't wanna waste time–” He’s shaking his head. “--with somebody who doesn't share the same respect for it." 

“Okay.” Third nod’s a charm, you suppose. You’re not really sure what to do. Joel’s attention is absolutely hypnotizing. Warmth sparked in your gut a few seconds ago and now it’s spreading out and spiraling through your body in snaking tendrils and you feel as if every muscle beneath your skin is melting right off the bone.

And all Joel is doing is sitting across the table from you and setting boundaries.

But… 

He’s not referring to these ideals in a general sense. He’s not sharing with the group. 

He’s speaking about them to you.

Directly.

And alone.

Where no one else can hear.

"I take this all very seriously because it can be so rewarding when it works. When it really works.” He brings his hand to the center of his chest. “When we take our time to understand one another, the connection we share can be real satisfyin."

“Okay.” 

“...Okay?” His brows are high, lines rippled out on his forehead.

“Yes.”

“...Does this work for you?”

“Yes.”

“A-are you just agreein’ with everything I say?” he asks with confusion. 

“No.” You break into laughter, snapping the wire of tension that had started to coil between the both of you. Your body is still warm. You cover your face with your hand. “No, I’m not.” You shake your head. "I don't want to waste time, either." Joel’s growing smile soothes your dis-ease. "I don't dip my toes in the water, Joel. I dive in head first.” You shrug. “I go big or I stay the fuck home. I wouldn't pursue this if I didn't mean it." 

“Are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t be doing all this work if this was just for fun.”

He chuckles. “Well, it’s fun, too,” he says with a smirk. "There's no denyin that."

You laugh. Your eyes disappear behind the cheery round of your cheeks. “I know, I know. But it’s not the priority.” You shake your head. “It’s not the main appeal.”

“What’s the priority, then?” he asks. “For you?”

And suddenly the warm, snaking tendrils are wrapping around your esophagus and constricting your airflow. You fight against your body’s growing stiffness. It shouldn’t be so hard to look into his eyes and admit to the simplest thing. To ask for something so ordinary from someone who clearly wants the same as you.

There is a battle happening inside of you between your fears and your desires. You’re not clenching your teeth, but the muscles in your neck and jaw are taut and straining. Part of you wants to look away, run, set fire to the building and ride off into the sunset–continuing your life in solitary self-confinement. 

But… goddamn. Joel is offering you something so much better: A slow, winding journey of discovery and exploration with glistening peaks and shaded valleys and green, meandering hills. There are high-reaching desert plateaus and deep, chilling ravines and long stretches of flat, consistent earth.  There are rushing rivers and placid lakes. There are puddles and ponds and little splashes of water that, hey, maybe you do wanna dip your toe into before you try to go for a swim.

And it’s all uncharted territory. Brand new. Untouched. It’s uncreated, actually–only brought into existence by the two of you sculpting it out, hand-in-hand, piece by ever-loving piece.

Right now, there’s a whole lotta nothing. Just a blank canvas and some empty air. 

There’s ideas. And fantasies. A long list of ‘What-if’s’.

There’s hopes and dreams and exciting possibilities. 

And bringing this new world into fruition does take time and energy and resources. It does take commitment. 

Gotta start with a good foundation and all.

And this is Joel. He’s built and developed and created before. He understands the technical details and underlying infrastructure. He knows how to trudge through all the nitty and the gritty. 

And you, you know how to flesh it all out. You know how to braid and weave the world together with sparkling, tantalizing threads. You know how to paint and elaborate, too–how to blend the colors to create depth and dimension. How to trick the eye into seeing more than what’s there–into seeing what else could be.

It is a waste of time to attempt this with someone who lacks the respect for it. 

So what is the priority for you? What do you really want to experience with this large-scale endeavor? What do you desire with certainty?

“...Trust,” you say, finally.  “And intimacy,” you fumble to add, though you find the two to be basically intertwined. 

“Okay.” He nods. "Okay." He leans forward. “And are you willing to trust me and be intimate with me?”

Your face burns bright and hot. You can feel stinging in your cheeks and arms and legs. And god, his eyes. His face. His sincerity. His broad shoulders and hands and the scruff along his jaw and above his lip. And the depth of his voice as it curls around you, sending goosebumps across your skin. And his lips and his hair and his everything everything everything.

And he wouldn’t be asking if he didn’t want you, too. He wouldn’t be having this discussion with you at all. He’s showing you all his cards. Point blank. And asking you to make a move.

Knowing that helps you push past your fear of rejection and humiliation and give in to your desire for something more with him. 

“If you want time to think about–”

“Yes,” you interrupt quickly. “I’m willing to trust you and be intimate with you.” 

A soft smile grows on his face. “Okay.” He nods. 

You reach out for his hand and he takes it, rubbing his thumb across the tops of your knuckles.

And it’s just one step. But it’s a step shared and in a mutual direction.

+++++

a/n: I'm back to seeing Joel as Joel. LOL! I think I was just on a Dave York kick for the last chapter.

[sidprescot]

love me forever, a yenralt fanmix 23 songs, 1hr 53mins listen on spotify here tracklist and lyrics under the cut

YENRALT APPRECIATION, VOL 2. -> prompt: forever + two colors

poison, alice cooper

I wanna love you but I better not touch (don't touch) I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop I wanna kiss you but I want it too much (too much) I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison

be my druidess, type o negative

Around the pyre, a circle of thirteen Throughout these woods, ecstatic screams I look deeply into your eyes I smell your hair, caress your thighs Now we'll make love by fire light A blaze so high it lights the night

love is a fire, subvision

Baby, listen, I'm sellin' my soul to the devil in you So give me, give me the strength and I'll push it through Love is a fire, and it's ragin' out of control Love is a fire And it's burnin' up my soul

love walked in, thunder

So tired of waiting, I walked an empty land I was looking for something to help me understand But bad luck kept turning my dreams into sand I didn't want pity, I had my share of friends I wanted somebody more special than the rest I was aching inside like I was approaching the end Just about that moment the timing was so right You appeared like a vision sent down to my life I thought I was dreaming when I saw you that night

spell i'm under, winger

Woman, never before Without a word I hear so much Woman, under the spell Every sin holy in your touch It's all I feel, it's all I see And all I know it must be you You're the spell I'm under

prisoner of your eyes, judas priest

When I saw your face I became a prisoner of your eyes And I would do just anything To stay and be with you

love me forever, motörhead

Love me forever, or not at all End of our tether, backs to the wall You give me your hand, don't you ever ask why Promise me nothing, live 'til we die

hold on to my heart, W.A.S.P.

Take away the pain, inside my soul And I'm afraid, so all alone Take away the pain, that's burning in my soul Cause I'm afraid that I'll be all alone So just hold me, hold me, hold me

love you to death, type o negative

In her place one hundred candles burning As salty sweat drips from her breast Her hips move and I can feel what they're saying, swaying They say the beast inside of me is gonna get ya, get ya, get

dance macabre, ghost

How could it end like this? There's a sting in the way you kiss me Something within your eyes Said it could be the last time 'Fore it's over

sleeping (in the fire), W.A.S.P.

Touch, touch in the flame's desire Feeling the pain's denial And your finger's in the fire Look, look in the candlelight See in the flame of life And my spell is our lie

darling, mcc

Been on my way so many times I walked away so many times From you But in the end you held the key And as it seems the fate of me In you It's ashes and dust Where are you now? I need you now You're lost somehow Where are you now?

jasmine and rose, clan of xymox

The air tastes just like you, it's the smell of June A sensory shock that jolts my spirit, I slowly swallow you A spray of little droplets, a fragrance so refined The spirit of nostalgia is passing me by

darkness at the heart of my love, ghost

There's a darkness at the heart of my love That runs cold, runs deep The darkness at the heart of my love So bold, so sweet

one more fucking time, motörhead

Both your eyes wide open You see the shape I'm in It wasn't of my choosing It's only bones and skin And I will plead no contest If loving you's a crime So go on and find me guilty Just one more fucking time

hell is living without you, alice cooper

Try to walk away When I see the time I've wasted Starving at a feast And all this wine I've never tasted On my lips your memory has been stained Is it all in vain? Tell me who's to blame, yeah

mama i'm coming home, ozzy osbourne

You took me in and you drove me out Yeah, you had me hypnotized, yeah Lost and found and turned around By the fire in your eyes You made me cry, you told me lies But I can't stand to say goodbye Mama, I'm coming home I could be right, I could be wrong It hurts so bad, it's been so long Mama, I'm coming home

only my heart talkin', alice cooper

Anybody's dream can fall apart Anybody's mask can break Couldn't tell you how I wanted you Enough to make you want to stay I never said the words out loud I guess I couldn't get' em straight Baby, give me one more chance Before you walk away

this heart of mine (i pledge), pain of salvation

I lie awake watching your shoulders Move so softly as you breathe With every breath you're growing older But that is fine if you're with me I pledge to wake you with a smile I pledge to hold you when you cry I pledge to love you 'till I die 'Till I die

i don't want to live without you, sleeze beez

I find myself in a strange situation And I don't know how What seemed to be an infatuation Is so different now I can't get by if we're not together Ooh can't you see Girl, I want you now and forever Close to me I'm longing for the time I'm longing for the day Hoping that you will promise to be mine And never go away

save your love, great white

I wake in the night To find you on my mind Deep in a dream, You'll always be Until the end of time I look in your eyes They touch my soul My love is hard to hide I'm never alone when we're apart. I feel you by my side

angel, judas priest

Angel, put sad wings around me now Protect me from this world of sin so that we can rise again Oh, Angel, we can find our way somehow Escaping from the world we're in to a place where we began And I know we'll find a better place and peace of mind Just tell me that it's all you want, for you and me Angel, won't you set me free?

life eternal, ghost

Can you hear me say your name forever? Can you see me longing for you forever? Would you let me touch your soul forever? Can you feel me longing for you forever, forever?

[red-meat-my-beloved]

@ellinorosterberg sent me a request to fill ❤️ The request was the brothers performing CPR and liking it a little too much

I wrote two different scenarios: A silly one and an angsty one

this is the silly one (AO3 link)

The world around them fizzles and shifts and Dean finds himself standing barefoot in the sand, wearing a pair of bright red swim shorts. He looks around. They’re at a beach, people around him splashing around or lounging on bright beach towels. Squinting against the light, he catches sight of something he wouldn’t mind having a closer look at. A Pamela Anderson lookalike walking straight towards him, wavy blonde hair, black one-piece, chest bouncing rhythmically with every step.

“Well, finally some quality entertainment, eh, Sammy?” He turns to the empty space next to him.

“Sammy?”

The lady in the one piece shrieks, pointing at the water.

“On my god, somebody’s drowning! Is there a lifeguard nearby?”

Dean sighs. That must be his cue.

He only barely manages to wrestle Sam’s gargantuan body back to land, which is even more unwielding now that he´s unconscious. Dean’s not too worried. As far as he remembers, it´s usually the lifeguards that drowned on Baywatch, and he made it back in one piece. Once they reach land, Dean rolls Sam on his side. He excepts him to start coughing up water, but Sam´s not moving at all. Putting his fingers under his nose, Dean discovers he isn’t breathing either.

“Does anyone know CPR?” Someone in the gathering crowd yells, as if cluing Dean in on his next move. It cuts through his building panic and he locks eyes with the woman from before. He shoots her a dirty look, before turning his attention back to Sam.  

Flopping Sam on his back, he puts his palms between those massive tits of him, but his wet hands keep slipping towards his throat every time he puts pressure on them. Dean switches approach.

He swings a leg over Sam to get a better angle, sand kicking up everywhere and starts compressions properly. Or at least what passes as properly on TV. He’s not too eager to actually break bones.

“Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.” The Bee Gee’s sing in his head to keep the right beat. After each minute, Dean bends down, pressing his mouth to Sam’s, pinching his nose closed while he blows air back into his lungs. His skin is salty from the sea and slightly cold. A pleasant contrast with the hot sun beating down on his back. He feels Sam’s chest rise, and pulls back in anticipation, yet it deflates and lies still again when he pulls back.

Dean starts up a new cycle.

“Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.” He repeats it out loud to keep his mind from asking if this is how this ends. After everything they’ve been through, Sam dying on Baywatch. The world’s unfunniest joke.

He bends down again, pressing his hands against Sam’s cheeks and blows. There’s a slight gurgling in the back of Sam’s throat. He blows in again and Sam lurches, almost head-butting Dean in the process. He moves out of the way and breathes out, relieved, while Sam hacks his lungs up into the sand.  

 “Why are you on top of me?” Sam asks once he’s caught his breath enough to form words again. His cheeks are flushed from the exertion.

“I was saving your life. You’re welcome, by the way.” Dean says, sitting up on Sam’s hips.

Sam’s eyes flick down.

“Uh huh. Saving my life.” He repeats bemused.  Dean follows his line of sight, landing on his awkwardly crumpled swim suit. He feels embarrassment creeping him from his neck to his face, burning hotter than the sun.

“Oh, don’t be gross. It was the excitement, the friction, and stuff.” He scrambles to get off of Sam, pushing at him, while his feet struggle to find purchase in the sand. He lands awkwardly back in Sam’s lap.

Dean freezes.

He slowly turns his gaze to Sam, who’s doing everything to avoid eyecontact. He starts to subtly scramble out from under Dean before the latter gets the bright idea of opening his mouth.

Unfortunately for Sam, tha's exactly what he does.

“So what’s your excuse then?” Dean asks slowly, his eyebrow travelling up in apprehensive amusement.

“Oh, you know.” Sam sniffles, “Friction, and stuff.”

“Oh ho ho, if I’d known we were gonna get the Sleeping Beauty experience I would’ve conjured up something more romantic.” A voice from the crowd shuts them up. Just as Dean looks up and spots the busty blonde again, her face morphs into that of the trickster’s.

That image is definitely going to come back in his nightmares.

“You did this!” He growls, staring daggers at him, while trying to make a dignified yet quick exit out of Sam’s lap.

“I might have changed the setting, but whatever’s happening in those tight swim trunks of yours is a 100% you, au naturel, baby.”

Dean charges to lunge. He can’t kill him, but at the very least he could get one satisfying punch in.

The trickster sidesteps the attack with ease and snaps his fingers.

The world fizzles and shifts.

[notesfromtheidiotbox]

I'm showing a picture of this post instead of reblogging because I don't want to distract from OP's point, but the various comments and reblogs all seem to have a common thread of "how did this happen? Why don't people seem to care?"

My personal theory is widespread compassion fatigue. It's finally ingrained itself fully into our collective psyche. And I'm not just talking about recent events either.

I'm 47 years old. I've lived through the end of the Cold War, two Gulf Wars, one major terrorist attack on US soil that upended literally EVERYTHING about everyday life in the US, the rising threat of climate change, a once in a century pandemic, multiple boom-and-bust economic cycles, the rise of the internet and with it the rise of accessibility of both information and MISinformation, multiple smaller conflicts around the world, the change in corporate attitudes from "we serve our customers our products faithfully and loyally" to "fuck you! That's our money in your wallet and we're not even going to pretend we thought of you as anything else anymore," the creeping resurgence of fascism as a political ideology in the US not seen since the 30s and early 40s,* rapidly rising inflation and wage stagnation without any sort of action to mitigate it for most of the population. and literally hundreds to thousands of people online yelling at each other for not "doing more," "doing better," or for not supporting/believing/doing the right things in the right way.

I honestly think the compassion/empathy tank is not just empty in the US, it's burned through the fumes and is now bone dry.

Being as generous as possible with the timeline, ever since 2001**, what we laughingly call the news in this country has served us a 24/7 diet of crisis after crisis, with no respite. It's ebbed and flowed, of course, but the general message has been "everything is getting worse, nobody is going to save us, we can't solve the existential threats of war, disease, famine, climate change, racism, and lethal prejudice that exists everywhere." And while collective action has garnered several significant victories, the attitude is still "this won't work because everybody has their own ideas of what needs to be done and how to do it and spend more time arguing over the details rather than doing anything***"

I think we don't care because we just CAN'T anymore. Even the things we would normally use to recharge ourselves aren't working. The food doesn't taste good, the entertainment is turning into forgettable sludge by the rapid rise of streaming, and it seems like you aren't allowed to be anywhere in public without spending money, and if you aren't required to spend money to be somewhere, odds are if you stay there for too long you'll have somebody giving you the side eye and demanding an explanation.

And online? Anger, dehumanization, and the constant cry of any sincere expression of joy or excitement is "cringe."

22 years of being constantly told the world is shit, humans are awful, you only have as much value as your bank account has digits, your employers don't respect you or the customers who get affected by their boneheaded decisions, leaving you to take the bullet, and constant reminders if problems which are too big to be solved in our lifetime.****

We're all tired, and we're beaten down, and we just don't have any more fucks to give about the latest crisis created by those in positions of power for what we are realizing are the most petty and stupid reasons.

There isn't a one size fits all solution here. But that's pretty much what I think has happened: the people of the United States in general have reached a point where we don't have the emotional capacity to deal with any more of this seemingly unsolvable shit. And I honestly think it's going to continue to get worse before it starts to get better.

Try to take care of each other out there, okay?

--

*For younger readers: oh yeah, during Hitler's rise to power until Pearl Harbor, there were PLENTY of people who thought Hitler was just swell.

** I'd actually argue the trauma cycle started with Vietnam, but it really accelerated with the 24 hour news cycle, the increase in internet speeds, and the events of 9/11.

***On a related note, be EXTREMELY leery of those online who won't accept anything but full-scale revolution as a remedy. Most of the time, these people have no plan for what comes after or seem to think that when society collapses, they'll be on top of the pile, ready to be the boot.

****The kinds of changes that would be needed to wipe out war, prejudice, and many other systemic problems are probably going to take decades, if not centuries. And because of the always on demand nature of society right now, a lot of people seem to have a real problem wrapping their heads around that. Change for the worse happens immediately. Change for the better takes a LOT longer.

[thesandsofelsweyr]

Sharing a few of my favorite songs for AK Jay relationship/smut writing, since that's what I've been working on recently. Feel free to share your faves with me as well!

(Sorry for the weirdness with the sizes of the lyrics text. Tumblr's editor is janky af.)

J. Cole - She's Mine Pt. 1

Every time you go to sleep you look like you in Heaven Plus the head game is stronger than a few Excedrin You shine just like the patent leather on my new 11's You read me like a book like I'm the Bible, you the Reverend Yeah, I wanna tell the truth to you I wanna talk about my days as a youth to you Exposing you to all my demons and the reasons I'm this way I would like to paint a picture, but it'll take more than a day It would take more than some years to get all over all my fears Preventing me from letting you see all of me perfectly clear The same wall that's stopping me from letting go and shedding tears From the lack of having father, and the passing of my peers While I'm too scared to expose myself It turns out, you know me better than I know myself Better than I know myself Well how 'bout that?

NIN - Closer

tbh, nearly every NIN song reminds me of AK Jay, heh

You make me perfect Help me become somebody else

I drink the honey Inside your hive You are the reason I stay alive

NIN - Reptile

I'm working on a fic based on this song 😏

Devils speak of the way in which she'll manifest Angels bleed from the tainted touch of my caress Need to contaminate, to alleviate this loneliness I now know the depths I reach are limitless

Lana Del Rey - Honeymoon

We both know The history of violence that surrounds you But I'm not scared There's nothing to lose now that I've found you

Lana Del Rey - Burning Desire

I drive fast, radio blares Have to touch myself to pretend you're there Your hands were on my hips, your name was on my lips Over, over again like my only prayer

Son Lux - You Don't Know Me

I feel you tracing my scars But you don't know me You don't know me at all I see you down on your knees But you don't own me

James Blake - Mile High

Don't know where you stop And where I begin

Doja Cat - Need to Know

Spank me, slap me, choke me, bite me

Kid Cudi - My Drug

My God, I need your light Babe, take me high up Feel you in my bones, controllin' me Yes, you're like a dream You and everything that you be

JVZEL - Circus Minimus

You and me can explode like Cirque du Soleil From the ceiling to the floor like Cirque du Soleil Watch my body hang all tied up and laced A cabaret, Cirque du Soleil Turn me upside down like Cirque du Soleil I want that wild, no, I'm not afraid I know it's dangerous, but with you I feel safe Let's go crazy, Cirque du Soleil

[fullstcp]

"Amidst the Chaos" by Sarah Bareilles Sentence Starters

FIRE

"Won't lose much sleep."

"He/she/they never went that deep."

"Let me hold your ego while you get your bag packed."

"Don't take this the wrong way."

"We were never gonna catch fire."

"We'd've burned up in flames."

"Talk, touch, kiss, then this one's just like all the others."

"I know all too well that I want deeper waters."

"Shallow shores aren't safe enough to dive in."

NO SUCH THING

"I feel you."

"It's like you're in the next room."

"At any given moment, you could appear."

"You're out there in it somewhere."

"If I could only get there, I could breathe again."

"Tell me how to start."

"What comes after you?"

"I am in the dark."

"No such thing as over you."

"I don't want it anyway."

"I've tried to get over you, but I think there's no such thing."

"You're Rome, I am the ruins."

"You're on your mind, all the time."

"But I can't fix it by fixating on a rewind."

"Hold on, 'til there's something else to hold onto."

ARMOR

"Let me tell you something you'll understand."

"Only little boys tell you they're a big man."

"All my armor comes from you."

"You make me try harder."

"That's all I ever do."

"You brought the flame, here comes the phoenix."

IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU

"You tell me that you're leaving."

"I had a feeling this day would come and leave me reeling."

"I just want to run back in your arms again."

"I'm thankful that I held you at all."

"I miss you every morning."

"I count the seconds between the thoughts of you."

"I'm getting better, baby, I'm almost up to two."

"Some folks are seasons, they got to come and go."

EYES ON YOU

"And the world's on fire."

"Life, it gets louder now."

"All I can do is keep my eyes on you."

MISS SIMONE

"The only thing on my mind is you."

"We were stars of some old classic film."

"In the glow of the candlelight, we danced all night."

"No one needs to know a thing."

"I've never quite been here before."

"Finally made a house feel like home."

"The years are flying past us now."

WICKED LOVE

"You twist around me like vines."

"You sold me a future from the ones you had in the trunk of your car."

"You said I think too much."

"You said I always mess it up."

"It was so easy to believe."

"I've always said the same things."

"I don't want your wicked love."

"You thought I didn't notice."

"But I won't forget this moment."

ORPHEUS

"My love, I see you're growing tired."

"Set the bad day by the bed and rest a while."

"I know you miss the world, the one you knew. When everything made sense because you didn't know the truth."

"We're all just hunters seeking solid ground."

"Don't stop trying to find me here amidst the chaos."

"Just stay here."

"We did not give up on love today."

"I'll show you good, restore your faith."

"I'll try and somehow make a meaning of the poison in this place."

"You were written in the stars that we are swimming in."

"I hope my love was someone else's solid ground."

POETRY BY DEAD MEN

"By the time you hear this, I'll be in the rearview mirror."

"Go and take some more time, but me and mine must go."

"I wanted to be your girl/guy in a white t-shirt."

"I wanted to be your girl/guy with your hands on my skin."

"By the time you hear this, who knows where I might be?"

"I was ready, but you weren't."

"The two of us, oh, what we could have been."

"How can I make you remember?"

"Would you turn to me if I say, I still want to be your girl/guy?"

SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME

"Could I rest here for a while?"

"I can't go face the world."

"My bones won't hold me up."

"Surrender's just a word 'til you try it out."

"I'm the worst I've ever seen. Afraid of almost everything."

SAINT HONESTY

"We're leaving all the windows open."

"We don't even mind the rain."

"We won't settle for the silence."

"We won't drown in the tears."

"We'll say every single word even if we think they'll hurt."

A SAFE PLACE TO LAND

"The ocean is wild and over your head."

"You don't know who will catch you, but maybe somebody will."

[x-digitaldollhouse-x]

"Just Julia" Contestant Audition: Charlie McGuire

Adventurous ❄️ Loyal ❄️ Clumsy ❄️ Loves Outdoors ❄️ Cat Lover

Charlie McGuire (he/they/she) was born to extremely overprotective helicopter parents in the heart of San Myshuno. He often felt trapped in a bubble, rarely allowed to play sports, have sleepovers, or really much of anything that a kid would like to do. Their concerns weren't for nothing-- Charlie was always a klutz, and it seemed like he could end up bruised from just laying in bed. But how was he supposed to learn and grow from inside a small apartment? Trapped and suffocated amongst the skyscrapers and light pollution, he longed for something different.

Hitting young adulthood, Charlie moved out as fast as he could, forgoing university to travel and taking up odd jobs to fund his adventures. For a long time, he was technically homeless, going to a new unfamiliar land and finding temporary lodging before leaving a few weeks later to do it all over again. He learned new languages, tried different foods, met sims all around the world, explored his gender identity and sexuality, partied a bit, and fell in love with extreme sports. Due to him not staying anywhere for long, he only had a few flings here and there, and never any serious relationships. However, he cherishes every connection he makes, and is very loyal to the people he befriends, even if he's not with them in person.

It wasn't all fun and games, though; true to his clumsy nature, Charlie got himself in trouble frequently with injuries and mishaps. Bone breaks, hypothermia, getting drained by a vampire, a werewolf encounter that left him with scars, and a bad hostel stay involving toxic mold were just some of misfortunes he encountered. However, an incident about two years ago put a damper on his adventurous spirit; a trip to the volcano in Sulani left him with a painful burn on his face and a raging fear of fire. He'd never come that close to death before, and the ensuing recovery period became a dark time for Charlie. He decided to find a place in Mt. Komorebi, his favorite place to travel, and became a bit of a recluse for a while. All of a sudden, not only was he self-conscious of his burn scar, but he was hyper-aware of the lines forming on his face, the pain in his body, the gray in his hair... everything suddenly seemed so real. He was only in his late 20's, but his adventuring had put a lot of stress on his body in ways he hadn't realized.

Things started getting better once Charlie sought help for his depression, and slowly, he's been getting back into living life. He hasn't left Mt. Komorebi yet, but he's rediscovered his love of skiing, snowboarding, and rock climbing, and has been enjoying himself at all the local festivals. He's still recovering and dealing with his chronic pain, but he finally feels somewhat back to his old self. Now, he's ready to confront his most challenging adventure ever: reality TV. At 28 (but feeling much older), Charlie is interested in the idea of finding love and living a life a bit more stable. And what more adventurous and wild way to do it than on television? He still undoubtedly wants to travel a bit and experience new things, but the idea of a nice home to return to and someone by his side sounds pretty damn good.

Charlie has never heard of Julia. He doesn't even realize she's famous, or rich. Despite exploring the world, he's kinda been living under a rock for a while and social media is NOT his thing. The name "Feng" might ring a bell when he hears it, given his San My upbringing, but even back when he lived there, he didn't pay much attention to politics and whatnot. If Julia wants somebody who doesn't care about her money, Charlie's the sim for the job-- as long as Julia doesn't care a whole lot about his finances, since his bank balance right now is... yikes. Don't worry, though, he's looking for a steady job, the first one he's ever really had. He prefers not to cook, due to the fire hazard, but he'll make up for it in other ways. Charlie hasn't partied or hooked up with anyone in a very long time, but rest assured, he remembers how to do it. So for a loyal partner who'll try anything at least once, book a trip with Charlie!

(Charlie is my submission for the Just Julia bachelorette challenge by @plumbewb ! Private DL files will be shared if chosen :] )

((UPDATE: I changed some cc around so I'd be happier with him, the only problem is that the only good burn cc I could find goes over the eyebrows and sideburns aaaaah. Anyway, this is what he looks like now:))

[aro-absol]

My Aro playlist (the perfect soundtrack for ASAW!)

A while ago I made an aro playlist that I keep adding songs on. It's on an account that I don't feel comfortable sharing but I thought I could tell y'all what songs are on it because aro songs are not easy to find. So here you go.

Note: this playlist is tailored to my personal music taste. It's mostly pop. I know there are more out there (Cavetown) but these are the songs I like to listen to. Besides, you might interpret these songs differently. They were clearly not written to be aromantic songs but they sound pretty aro to me ( but obviously you don't have to agree).

I tried to sort them into categories (at least roughly) so can find songs you relate to better.

I used an alien emoji to mark the songs containing internalized arophobia (in my opinion) if you want to avoid those.

Enjoy!

Being happy about being aro/not feeling romantic attraction:

Never been in love - Will Jay

Curse - Emily Burns

Zero feelings - Zoe Clark

Being somebody's crush but you can't reciprocate:

Sorry - Halsey

I wanna love you but I don't - Ben Platt

I won't - H.E.R.

Crush - Glades

FRIENDS - Marshmello, Anne-Marie

I don't know - Gabe Bondoc

Idle Worship - Paramore

I help you hate me - Sunrise Avenue

Dating someone but turns out dating isn't for you:

Bad liar - Imagine Dragons

Liked you better - Good problem, Boy in space

Turning out pt. ii - AJR

Psychofreak - Camila Cabello, Willow 👽

Someone else - ClockClock

I wasn't made to fall in love - Miko 👽

For when the Romance Repulsion hits:

Crush Culture - Conan Gray

I'm so tired... - Lauv, Troye Sivan

Never Fall in love - Jack Antonoff, MØ

Romance is boring - Los Campesinos!

Love is for losers - The Longshot

Don't fall in love - Danko Jones

This fall - The Duhks

Romantic - Hooverphonic

Being happily single:

Good thing - Zedd, Khelani

Soulmate - Lizzo

No - Meghan Trainor

It's not you it's me - Bea Miller

I don't wanna be in love (dance floor anthem) - Good Charlotte

I just wanna be single - Brika

Me, Myself and I - Blonde, Bryn Christopher

Dating myself - sad alex

Aroallo anthems (sex mentions):

Not a love song - bülow

Leave before you love me - Marshmello, Jonas Brothers

What's love gotta do with that - Tina Turner

Extra Agenda - Claudia Valentina

Thief - Ansel Elgort 👽

Girlfriend - Bea Miller

Animal - Sir Chloe

Best Friend - The Weeknd

Yuck - Charli XCX

Cupioromantic anthems:

Hopeless Romantic - Sam Fischer 👽

People watching - Conan Gray

Love like that - Lauv

Love love love - Of Monsters and men 👽

High Definition - Waterparks

"No it's not romantic":

Despair - Leo.

Not a love song - Austin Moon

Not wanting to fall in love:

I don't wanna fall in love - Addison Grace

I don't need love - Niic

I don't want love - The Antlers

No lover - Jetty Bones

Your friend is dating someone that is bad for them and you're just *facepalms*

Devil doesn't Bargain - Alec Benjamin

Snap out of it - Arctic Monkeys

No Romeo - Dylan

Third Wheel - Zoe Wees

Aro songs I couldn't really sort in any of those categories but are still dope:

Mad at Disney - Salem Ilese

Turning out - AJR

Loveless girl - Pale Waves 👽

I've never written a song about a boy - Eva Westphal