#something about Eddie trying to build something from a far with Shannon but never getting past the foundations

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Something something trapped kid in a pipe at a home renovation and his older brother going in to save him Eddie and saving his sisters from their parents and Eddie reconstructing his life in the aftermath of Shannon…

[lover-of-mine]

The thing I find fascinating is that the show runners are fully capable of writing engaging couples. Henren, Bathena & Madney – their relationships are beautiful. And then we have Buck and Eddie with their respective LIs. It’s almost as if they want the relationships to fail.

This season, they had every chance to set up Tommy as a suitable LI for Buck. But they didn’t? They didn’t even have to show a grand love confession or the likes, but at least some small gestures. Them holding hands in the hospital, Tommy dressing up for the bachelor party, being a little more sensitive when they ran into Eddie during that first date… Just a few simple things that would have made all the difference.

I feel like most of the love for Tommy comes from headcanons the fandom accepted as universal truths, while there isn’t much in canon to support it.

This isn’t meant to be hate on the character (though it probably will be taken that way by certain people), it’s just that I don’t think he is a good fit for Buck. He’s guarded and deflects with a dry sense of humor, when Buck needs a person to be vulnerable with. You know, someone who is so soft and sickeningly sweet with him. So far, I didn’t get much of the sorts from Tommy. But then again, we didn’t get to see a whole lot of the relationship actually playing out on screen, so who knows.

And the other thing that started to bother me is about the daddy issue thing. There is nothing wrong with showing (or alluding to) a couple having an active/kinky sex life. In general, I’m all in favor of it.

But looking back at season one, Buck used sex as an unhealthy coping mechanism to feel a connection to people. And he doesn’t have the best relationship with sex to begin with (Remember 7x05 and the talk with Eddie, where it hadn’t occurred to either of them that saying no is an option? Doesn’t sound healthy to me.) If they wanted to set Tommy apart, they should have put all their efforts into building an emotional connection between the two. I’m not saying that sex can’t be a part of it - not even that it can’t be kinky - but that the show should have put much more emphasis on the emotional aspect of it rather than the physical attraction.

Maybe it’s just wonky writing due to a shortened season but the relationship between the two isn’t half as good as it could have been.

No, but I made a post about this during the s6-7 hiatus, because it's not like the show doesn't know how to establish a love interest, bathena and madney work because all of them exist individually and Henren was introduced to us in a way where we would side with Karen, so even tho Karen only exists to be Hen's wife we care about her in a deeper way because Karen has never done anything wrong in her life. With Buck and Eddie all of the love interests are presented to us with something wrong with them. Shannon never had a fighting chance because she left and Eddie himself was never sure about her, Eddie was dating Ana and Marisol because he thought he had to, and I'm not even gonna go there with Kim. Abby breaks every possible protocol to call Buck, and she's never in it in the same way Buck is, Taylor tries to take advantage of Bobby's addiction for her personal gain and continues to take advantage of him to get ahead, Ali is never there, Natalia is too interested in Buck's death and Tommy is callous. There's a weird metaphor in there, but the basketball scene, the way Buck hits Tommy and ricochets back and Tommy doesn't even flinch. Buck needs someone who will bend. But the show didn't even try to establish an emotional connection between the two of them, everything comes back to the physical and with a character like Buck, who was shown using sex as a bad coping mechanism, to constantly make it seem like this new relationship isn't going beyond the sex is concerning. There were better ways to imply they are having sex. Even more considering the way the show had the opportunity to make it seem like they are building some sort of emotional connection and just chose not to. Every scene we had with the 2 of them could be rewritten adding the idea that they actually care about each other beyond the attraction, and that's a choice. To go the route they went is a choice. I'm still not over the way they had Tommy not dressing up and then Eddie suggesting matching outfits in the next scene. Like, it was that easy because they showed Eddie doing it. And I don't wanna compare, but with the constant triangle formation and the way they were showing Eddie as the person who understands Buck and Tommy as the dude Buck is fucking, we have nothing happening in our screen that makes it seem like Tommy is even a little fond of Buck and all I can think about is Buck standing in front of a hot air balloon with a huge bouquet of flowers for a woman who referred to him as a boytoy. Buck deserves someone who's gone for him and none of his canon love interests gave me that impression. And they make a very explicit choice to not make that implication. They could've been something, but right now they aren't. If you just watch the show you don't know why they are dating. They are just there. And coming from a show that wrote bathena, madney, and henren, and the way that Tommy being a firefighter gives him a fighting chance because it's real easy to make him exist outside of Buck, it's on purpose.

[diazsdimples]

Hey James! 🥰

I hope you feel better soon! ❤️

Tell me some headcanons about:

- Buddie

- buddieshannon

-Eddieshannon

-Buck Shannon

-buddietommyshannon

-❤️🪐

Hey Saturn, thank you! I'll give you 1 per ship because my brain simply isn't working:

Buddie:

On their days off, Buck and Eddie take turns at going out and buying coffee and something from a bakery while the other sleeps in. They're trying to find somewhere that makes the best cream donuts.

Buddieshannon:

These three are absolute romcom connoisseurs. Buck is the most enthusiastic of the three, with Shannon and Eddie usually pretending to be reluctant, but they secretly love them too. Devil Wears Prada is their favourite.

Eddieshannon:

These two go back and forth for ages about whether or not they want a 2nd child and it's not until Christopher is in his teens that they decide that maybe they do. It takes a minute for them to get pregnant but when they do, surprise! Twins!

Buckshannon:

They're randy as hell for each other. Like, total horndogs. Will use any horizontal surface as if it were a bed. And any vertical one too, for that matter. They're very intense with each other and love one another hard, and that's never as obvious as when they're physically intimate.

Buddietommyshannon:

These people love the beach. Whether it's the 4 of them, or them and the kids, they are in the ocean at least once a month, even in winter. Buck surfs, Eddie snorkels or dives, Tommy lounges on the shore and builds elaborate sandcastles, and Shannon swims out as far as she can.

[vaamiel]

Wait okay I'm not done with my Eddie thoughts

As an asexual/demisexual person, I gotta say this whole, triangulation/fixation on one's first love? SO on brand for Eddie.

Lots of speculation ahead, but I relate to so many of the elements of Eddie's storyline so much, I had to get this down:

Once upon a time, I literally had panic attacks when trying to date years after my First Real Love I broke up. Heart palpitations, the whole thing. It fucking sucked and tbh made me quit dating.

Now, though I never cheated, I can absolutely see that being a possible path for someone who experiences that sort of attraction and then combines it with PTSD.

Not that I'm using either as an excuse, but rather, I understand how, particularly if Eddie is a part of a sexuality that's based on deep emotional connection or even no sexual attraction at all, how he would justify his behavior in his own brain.

To Eddie, Marisol and even Ana don't /really/ count as True Loves - they're just women he went on dates with and maybe had some degree of connection, but more like, in a friend-he-had-sex-with way. It's not, and never will be, the same as with Shannon.

That's not even to say his relationship with Shannon is perfect or even good or based on mutual attraction, but rather when you're asexual, it's easy to idealize relationships you're in when they're bolstered by outside forces (in Eddie's case a child, but also circumstance/close quarters, even shared interests can forge this false connection).

This creates... Almost like a false narrative to look back on. You want to reflect on the things you think were perfect, and then try to connect those to future partners and their behavior. Problem with that is, there's usually this fog that sits over those 'perfect' relationships in your brain, corrupting the source of all your nostalgic emotions, so you're perpetually assigning potential new partners poorly put together science.

All of this makes it so difficult to work around your relationship history and build new, strong connections.

Compound that with PTSD from SO many sources, and you have a mess of a human barely capable of forming platonic connections, let alone romantic ones.

Seeing Shannon certainly, obviously triggered something in Eddie, and I think it's important to embrace this storyline head on so that Eddie can either come to terms with his sexuality or even just move on from always looking for Shannon in the crowd.

I'm for sure projecting a lot of my own sexuality on this, but I really do feel that, with the things we've seen about Eddie so far, this could easily connect the dots on the issues he's having with relationships in general.

[extasiswings]

You Don’t Find It, You Make It: A Buddie Breakdown Hours Essay

On one hand, we’ve all talked to death the fact that Buddie exemplifies you don’t find it, you make it but on the other, I never get tired of it and writing it all out in black and white when I can feel in my bones how close we are to something major on that front seemed like the best way of dealing with my feelings about it.  So, here we are.  The essay on how you don’t find it, you make it is the Buddie love story thesis statement and one of the most brilliant examples of deliberate longform “show-don’t-tell” writing that I have ever watched on television.

“You don’t find it, you make it.”  Wise words on love even out of context, but in context even more powerful.  Advice delivered by an elderly man who has lived a long, full life, and who has shared that life with a truly great love—a love that happens to be with another man. And I would say it’s that aspect that turns this particular statement from something that’s broadly applicable to all 911 romance to something that is specifically queer.  Because while Madney and Bathena are both couples that had varying foundations of friendship before they started dating, Bathena still came as a surprise in the S1 finale and the bulk of the work building that relationship is something we get to see after they’re together.  With Madney, there’s more work put in on the front end before they get together because of everything with Doug, but they also start off with a certain amount of instant attraction—they get to be casually flirty and acknowledge that there’s something there, they get to be obvious enough that other characters tease them and try to push them to just date already.  In many ways, Bathena and Madney “found it and then made it” and it isn’t that surprising that Buck hasn’t been able to wrap his head around why that approach keeps not working for him. 

But there is an added layer of intentionality to queer love from the outset.  You can’t just find queer love because truly allowing love into your life requires so many more choices and actions at the end of the day—the act of being able to see what you want and who you are, the choice to accept yourself fully and live as your whole and true authentic self, the choice to seek and accept love even if that love might be deemed unacceptable by society.

Anyway, I said this was the Buddie thesis so let’s talk about the roadmap.  In my view, they started writing Buddie as a romance in S3 with you don’t find it, you make it as the guiding principle, recognizing that they were writing a queer romance in a way no mainstream show had really done before, and doing it for a primarily straight general audience. And it’s the “frog in boiling water” approach—turn up the heat so slowly and carefully that by the time it’s made explicit, there can’t be a real question that what they have is capital L Love.  So they started with Christopher. 

Yes, Buck and Christopher had some level of relationship in S2—we had little Buckley-Diaz family moments at the end of the earthquake, in Stuck, and of course with the Elf—but as far as we can tell from what little we’re shown, when Eddie let Shannon back into Christopher’s life, that was it.  But S3 came out swinging from the first, with Buck and Christopher at Buck’s party, with Eddie getting Buck out of bed by leaving Christopher with him, and with the tsunami arc in which Buck was intended to respond like a parent and which culminated in Eddie saying there’s no one in the world I trust with my son more than you.  And there was no turning back—that was a sea change.  I know we joke about the “divorced dads” vibes of the grocery store fight during the lawsuit arc, but it’s true—”Do you even know how much Christopher misses you? How could you—you’re not around,” was the extremely effective blow that it was because it wasn’t about the family that is the 118, it was about their family unit as the three of them.  

And it kept going that way for the rest of the season—Christmas Spirit with Christopher asking Buck to spend Christmas with him and Buck arranging a whole party at the station so that Eddie and Christopher could be together for the holiday, Fools with the skateboard and Buck and Eddie talking through Eddie’s parenting challenges and ultimately finding a solution together and building a skateboard for their son together, Eddie Begins with the montage that included a pointed amount of the three of them together, Eddie’s invitation for Buck to come over and help him chaperone Christopher’s sleepover in 3x16, the everything of Helicopter Parent Buck and summer camp in 3x18…all of that was very carefully composed as a flashing neon sign telling us that by the end of S3, the three of them were a family.

I didn’t forget the Kitchen Scene.  I think it deserves to be noted separately from the “Buckley-Diaz Family” of S3 because of its purpose in the arc. Because the Kitchen Scene is very specifically Not About Christopher, although he was there in the background and the whole thing ended in a family moment with the three of them on the couch.  The Kitchen Scene is the “what if” and the “almost” and the “not yet.”  The Kitchen Scene is there, in all of its extremely fucking queer glory, to say that yes, the three of them may be a family, but Buck and Eddie aren’t just totally platonic besties either.  The Kitchen Scene is there to lay some breadcrumbs for the willfully obtuse and beg the question—what if Christopher hadn’t been in the next room?

Eddie Begins and the Buck screaming and clawing at the ground of it all is similar, another trail of breadcrumbs that’s for the two of them alone.  We’re meant to see it, and to clock the rest of the firefam handling Buck with spouse gloves while Eddie is trapped in the well, just as much as Eddie is meant to not know about it. 

Season 4 brought in a new phase.  In S4, the three of them were already firmly established as a family, but the Buddie of it all was still an open question—they’re best friends, sure, but what else?  And the writers turned back to their thesis statement—you don’t find it, you make it.  Because okay, these boys made it, but they (especially Eddie) had been using Christopher as a proxy for their feelings.  They weren’t in a position yet where they were able to acknowledge what they had done and what they had together.  So, what did they do?  Both of them started trying to find it.  By looking in all the wrong places (just like Bobby said in Jinx).  The universe was screaming, but they couldn’t hear it because they were convinced the universe didn’t scream.  Their lives were full of meaningful relationships, but it didn’t feel like the same thing. Buck was confused by the unwritten rules of male friendship (god, S4 was so LOUD).

But the EA and BT of it all was always necessary.  Because the writers have been showing, not telling.  They’ve been showing what happens when you miss what’s right in front of you, what happens when you avoid the hard work and self-discovery and authenticity required by real love.  They showed Eddie turn into a pod person with Ana and the way Buck fell into bad habits with Taylor despite all his work in therapy.  But unlike in S2 when Shannon came back, the narrative didn’t try to convince us that these women belonged.  We got I know there’s been no one in Christopher’s life since his mother followed by Eddie coming home to Buck having put Christopher to bed, followed by Christopher running away to Buck when upset with Eddie.  We got Eddie being snarky about Taylor at every turn and Buck choosing Eddie over her even before the shooting.

And then there was Suspicion.  Suspicion and Ana being introduced to someone important in Eddie and Christopher’s lives for the first time only to be proven to be an outsider.  Suspicion and make sure you’re following your heart, not Christopher’s with the heavy implication that Eddie’s heart already wanted someone else, someone specific—and if not Ana, then?

Suspicion, which followed that up with the shooting.  The shooting that was just the two of them, Buck and Eddie alone, no Christopher anywhere to be found.  On an open street in broad daylight.  It was only them.  And why?

Because when you think you’re dying, it makes things clear.  Make sure you’re following your heart, not Christopher’s.  And in that moment, when Christopher wasn’t in the picture and Eddie thought he was dying, he reached for Buck.

That couldn’t be the end of the story though, because S4 was about trying to find it in the wrong places (when you’ve already made it with someone else), and even though Eddie had whatever realization he had on the street, Buck hadn’t gotten there yet.  Which is why BT got together then, but also why everything about BT was overshadowed by Buck and Christopher and Buck and Eddie.  He’s got the harder job tonight and the will conversation and you act like you’re expendable, but you’re wrong.  It was all about screaming to the rooftops the fact that they had already made a life together, built a love together, but that last piece—the piece that was just them—was something only one of them (only Eddie) had been shaken by, and only for that moment on the street. Which brought us to:

Season 5.  Act 3.  After two seasons of it being hammered home time and again that Buck, Eddie, and Christopher are a family, Eddie started the season still with Ana (having panic attacks over the thought of being a family with her lmao) and Buck…well.  Bless his heart (pun intended).  You have to admire the writers for their commitment to good storytelling because watching Buck be as fucking miserable as he has been with Taylor because he’s trying to make it work not realizing that it never could have because his heart has always been with Eddie…yeah…I can’t.  But, anyway, S5 is about the realization and the active choice.

S3 was the season where they made it as a family.  S4 was trying to find love in the wrong places.  And S5 has been Buck still trying to find love in the wrong places, but Eddie finally being able to open his eyes, see what they’ve made, and choose to go after it. And even more than that, S5 is the two of them building something without Christopher.  There was a reason we didn’t get to see Buck and Christopher together throughout almost all of 5A despite the various references to their relationship—because this season is about not hiding anymore.  About not hiding who you are, not hiding what you want, not hiding how you feel.  And Eddie and Buck have always hidden behind Christopher in their own ways.  So this is the season about them tearing down walls and building up love and acknowledging that love as partners, as lovers, not just as friends, not just as co-parents.  It is the season about hearts and following your heart and broken hearts being healed.  It is the season in which the writers called back to you don’t find it, you make it to point out that Buck literally misunderstood the assignment of his own heart and that’s why he’s trying to stay with Taylor even while he has chosen Eddie and Christopher over her at every opportunity. 

But this season started with a blackout and all of these characters were left shrouded in darkness long after the lights came back on.  The finale is where they all get to start over and step back into the light.  The finale is where they get to choose love.  The finale is where Eddie is going to get to turn to Buck and say look what we made, look what we have, I want that, I love you because they haven’t found it, they made it.

And I fully expect them to still need more time, for Buck especially to need more time.  But they’ll be starting over together in the light with full awareness of the love they share and the life they’ve built and that the options are on the table as soon as they’re ready to take those steps together.  

Queer love, y’all.  They made it.  What a ride.  

[fireladybuckley]

It Isn’t in my Blood

Fandom: 9-1-1 Prompt:  Inspired by @kitkatpancakestack‘s “what if Buck finds the pamphlet“ post Pairing: Implied future Buddie - Evan Buckley (Buck) x Eddie Diaz Word Count: 2,330 Summary:    SPOILERS - A 5x01 missing scene - Buck finds the pamphlet on anxiety and panic attacks given to him by the cardiologist at the hospital and encourages Eddie to tell him what happened. Eddie breaks down and admits that maybe not everything is okay.

Beta’d by @firemedicdiaz​ Thank you babe <3

Read it on Ao3

             “I’ll just be a minute, you staying here?”  Eddie asked, hopping out of the truck and looking over at Buck.

              “Sure, sounds good,” Buck said, yawning.  Eddie nodded and closed the door, hurrying up the sidewalk as Buck settled back in his seat.  It had been such a long, chaotic shift and Buck was exhausted; Eddie just had to drop off a form at Christopher’s school and then they were going for breakfast.  Buck figured he had time for a short nap and shut his eyes, but sleep wouldn’t come.

              After a while it became apparent that Eddie was going to be longer than he’d said, and Buck was getting restless.  He grew bored quite easily of late, so he began poking around Eddie’s truck - changing the radio station, fiddling with the air freshener.  Absently, Buck hit the button on the dashboard that opened the glove box in front of him and looked down into it, wondering if there were any travel brochures left in there from a previous road trip that he could look at.   Instead, he pulled out a very different kind of pamphlet that looked like it had been shoved in carelessly and as he read the front, his eyebrows contracted with a small frown.

              Understanding Anxiety and Panic Attacks - Recognize the Signs and Symptoms

              Underneath the pamphlet were a couple of folded sheets of paper.  Upon quick inspection, Buck saw that they were discharge papers from the hospital dated a few days earlier with Eddie’s name in the patient field.

              Buck’s heart squeezed painfully as he stared at the slightly crumpled papers and then back at the pamphlet, realizing what it must all mean.  Buck had been startled earlier in the shift when that doctor had called out to Eddie, but Eddie had been very resistant to talking about his trip to the hospital.  Buck had dropped it for the time being as they had been chaotically busy the entire shift, but he had always intended to grill Eddie about it later.  Now, he suddenly understood what must have happened.  He knew from experience how scary panic attacks could be, how they could feel like a heart attack, especially if a person had never had one before.  

              He remembered how uncomfortable Eddie had looked when Buck had tried to confront him.  Buck knew how much Eddie relied on everyone thinking he was this stoic, unmoving rock, because it allowed him to hide his feelings and keep everything bottled up.  Buck was well aware that he himself and Bobby were the only two people that Eddie ever opened up to, and it made Buck’s heart hurt as he considered how shaken up Eddie must have been by the whole incident to be so resistant to telling him about it.

              Buck sighed, wishing he had known, thinking about how he could try to help Eddie as he skimmed the pamphlet.  He wanted to help, hating the idea that Eddie could be going through this alone.  He distinctly remembered how Eddie had tried to drag Buck out of his horrible depression and anxiety after the fire truck had crushed his leg and he wanted to be there for Eddie in turn.  Buck knew that Eddie had Ana, but if Buck was right about their relationship, he suspected that Eddie would be uncomfortable talking to her about his emotions.  He’d always had the feeling that while Eddie clearly liked Ana and they got along well, their relationship wasn’t particularly deep and Buck knew that Eddie had to really trust someone before he would open up.

              Lost in his thoughts, Buck was still looking at the pamphlet in one hand, the discharge papers held loosely in the other, when Eddie returned.

              “Alright, that’s all done, let’s go t-- Buck, what the hell?”

              Buck jumped as the driver’s door opened and Eddie swung himself inside, only to freeze when he saw what Buck was holding and reading through.  Buck started to stammer as Eddie snatched the papers and pamphlet out of his hands and threw them back into the glove box, snapping it shut and staring straight ahead, his chest rising and falling quickly, his jaw set.

              “Eddie, I-I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to snoop, I just found that in the glove box and I couldn’t help looking at it…”

              “It’s fine.  It’s nothing.”  Eddie’s voice was clipped, and Buck could tell he felt vulnerable and was not pleased about it.  

              “I mean, it’s not nothing,” Buck replied cautiously in a coaxing tone.  He hadn’t been planning on talking to Eddie about this before breakfast, but then there was no time like the present.    “Is this why you were in the hospital the other day?”

              Eddie shot him an annoyed look, because it was obvious that Buck had seen the discharge papers so the question was redundant, but then he sighed and nodded.

              “Yeah.  I’m fine though.”

              “Eddie… you’ve been through so much.  There’s no shame in having a panic attack--” Buck began, but Eddie started the truck and cut through his words sharply.

              “I don’t panic.”

              Buck frowned as Eddie pulled away from the curb and began to drive without saying another word.  Deciding to give him some space for a few so he could collect his thoughts, Buck stayed silent as they moved through the streets.   To his surprise, Eddie pulled up in front of Buck’s apartment building and parked, still looking straight ahead.

              “I… thought we were going for breakfast?”  Buck asked slowly, not sure what to expect.  Eddie seemed to steel himself, then glanced towards the building and shut off the truck.

              “I know you’re not going to let this go, and I don’t want to do it in public.  Let’s go up to your loft.”  

              Eddie’s voice was gruff, but Buck was grimly pleased that he wasn’t resisting.  Buck knew that Eddie knew Buck would not let this slide, would not let it rest until he was sure that Eddie was okay.  Taking his lead, Buck agreed and hopped out of the truck, following Eddie up to his building and then leading the way into his apartment.

              “Let’s get this over with,” Eddie said in a resigned voice as he moved into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, Buck pulling himself up and sitting on the counter across from him.  “What do you want to know?”

              “What happened?” Buck asked simply.  “I know you went to the hospital, you were seen by a cardiologist, and now you have a pamphlet on panic attacks.  What actually happened?”

              Eddie gnawed the inside of his lip, still refusing to look at Buck as he mulled over what to say.  He was staring at the lower part of the counter in front of him, Buck’s shoe dangling in his line of sight, though he wasn’t seeing much.  All he could see in his mind was that damn suit store, the feeling of the tightness in his chest making him feel claustrophobic and deeply uncomfortable.

              “I don’t know.  We were trying on suits, and then I just… collapsed.  I thought I was having a heart attack,” Eddie summarized it as succinctly as he could, but he knew it wasn’t going to be enough for Buck.

              “Okay, but what triggered that?” Buck asked, his voice gently prodding.  “Did something upset you, or…?”

              Eddie shifted uncomfortably, and Buck’s lips curled in a small, sad smile.  

              “Eddie, it’s just me.  You can talk to me.  You know you can trust me.  Please tell me what happened.”

              For a brief moment, Eddie lifted his eyes and met Buck’s gaze.  Buck’s expression was earnest, concerned, and Eddie knew he was right.  If there was anyone in this world he could trust, it was Buck.  Still, he hated talking about his emotions, especially ones he felt like he couldn’t control.  And yet, he felt like if he didn’t share it with someone he may explode because he was starting to seriously wonder what was going on in his brain.

              “I… you know I’m not good at this,” Eddie muttered, and Buck nodded.

              “I know, but… you were there for me when everything with my parents was going on.  You told me it was okay to feel what I was feeling, and to share it.  I want that for you, too,”  Buck told him gently, and Eddie sighed.  He felt like a hypocrite; he had told Buck those things, and he had meant it.  But for some reason when it came to himself, he had different rules.

              “The last time Chris and I wore suits was at Shannon’s funeral,” Eddie said, averting his gaze once more as he began to speak.  “I guess that was already putting me on edge.  I couldn’t stop thinking about her death and everything that had happened right before she died.  I just wanted to get out of there.”

              Eddie paused but Buck didn’t say anything, not wanting to interrupt.  Buck had a feeling that if Eddie stopped talking he wouldn’t start again so he waited patiently, keeping his mouth shut.

              “I think Chris was feeling it, too, but I was too distracted to notice.  And then… then the sales guy called Ana Chris’s mom.”

              Buck tilted his head to the side, looking over at Eddie, slightly confused.  Eddie and Ana had been together for nearly six months, it was only natural that at some point she would be mistaken for Chris’s mom.  But Eddie seemed shaken and Buck wasn’t sure he was going to continue.

              “What happened then?” Buck asked quietly, trying to gently prompt Eddie to speak again without spooking him.  Eddie had gotten a somewhat haunted look in his eyes and Buck could tell he was getting upset.  He was tempted to tell Eddie to stop, not wanting him to be distraught, but he sensed Eddie really needed to get it out there, so Buck would do everything he could to coax it out.

              “I- I genuinely don’t know,” Eddie said, shaking his head.  “Hearing that, it just… it intensified my thoughts about Shannon, and thinking of Ana as Chris’s mom is just - just so far beyond where we are in our relationship, and I- I…”

              Eddie was starting to get visibly upset and Buck slipped off the counter, moving over to stand beside him in case he needed support.

              “It made me realize that m-maybe I don’t want-- maybe things aren’t going so great, or something.  I don’t know.”

              “And then?” Buck prompted gently, feeling his heart break as Eddie glanced at him, clearly upset.

              “And then… I don’t know.  I don’t panic,” Eddie said stubbornly, though as he thought back to what had happened, he let out a long, unhappy sigh.  “But… I guess I panicked.  I don’t know.  I felt overwhelmed, and my chest got tight and I couldn’t breathe… I got really dizzy and fell over, I thought I was having a heart attack.”

              “Panic attacks can be really scary,” Buck told him, trying to reassure him.  “They can definitely feel like heart attacks.”

              “I don’t panic,” Eddie repeated, scowling at the floor.  “I never panic.  Not in the military, not when Shannon died, not when you nearly died several times…”

              “Eddie, you’ve been through a lot,” Buck reasoned, trying to brush off the last part of the sentence, as though it wasn’t a big deal to him that his near-death experiences were one of the things Eddie considered most upsetting.  “Do you think the shooting could be part of this?  Or is it just your relationship?”

              Eddie shifted uncomfortably again, not responding, and as Buck watched him, he saw tears start to pool in Eddie’s eyes, despite Eddie continually refusing to make eye contact.  

              “Are you okay?” Buck asked quietly, reaching out and touching him, gripping Eddie’s forearm lightly in a gesture of support.   This one little touch seemed to have caused him to come undone, however, and Buck saw his expression contort, his lips pressed together tightly as he tried and failed to stop himself crying.

              “No,” Eddie finally blurted out, seemingly completely against his will.  “No, I’m not okay.”

              Buck’s heart broke and he immediately reached out to embrace Eddie, giving him a chance to pull away if he wanted.  When he didn’t, Buck wrapped his arms around him and held him as Eddie choked into his shoulder, trying desperately to stop himself from outright sobbing.  It was rare that Buck had seen Eddie cry - he hadn’t seen it since Shannon’s death - and Buck wished he could take Eddie’s pain away, wished he could make the world right for him again.  

              After a few moments Eddie squirmed in his arms and Buck got the message that he was uncomfortable so he pulled away, but he didn’t go far.  Eddie seemed determined to not meet his gaze, furiously wiping at his eyes, and Buck gently rubbed his back, sensing that he really wanted comfort but was trying to stop himself from allowing it.  They stood like that for a while, until Eddie’s attempts at stopping his tears dissolved and he took a shaky breath, letting them slip down his cheeks as he pulled himself together.

              “It’s okay to not be okay sometimes.  You’re going to get through this,” Buck told him, his hand stilling in the middle of Eddie’s back.  “And I’m gonna help you get through it, if that’s what you want.”

              Eddie swallowed, sniffing, as he listened to Buck speak.  He’d always gone through things alone.  He’d always thought that was the best way to do it.  But in that moment, standing there, knowing he had Buck’s full love and support behind him, Eddie started to wonder if maybe having Buck at his side would be a much better option than going it alone.   Eddie nodded slowly, glancing at Buck for a moment before looking away, nodding again.

              “Yeah,” Eddie took a shaky breath and looked over at Buck, feeling the tiniest flicker of hope in his heart.  “That’s what I want.”

-----------

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[hmslusitania]

A meta about Buck and Eddie’s current relationships compared to their past relationships (but it's under a cut so that I don’t have to tag the characters for people who have them blocked, thereby putting this into those characters’ Tumblr-wide tags and summoning angry stans back to my inbox)

Because I haven’t seen anyone else mention this and it’s sort of been driving me nuts. On the one hand there’s a relationship where it’s:

someone he was previously with and this is a renewal of what might have been

someone who he has serious sexual chemistry with but a blatant emotional disconnect

who he separated from and time (roughly two years) has passed during which interim there has been no contact between them

and now they’re trying it again and although he clearly forgives her for past transgressions he still doesn’t trust her when it comes to the most important things, even if he's enjoying spending time with her to a certain extent

but he’s decided to have her back in his life after some negotiation which definitely included her saying at least one excoriating thing against his character that cut directly to the heart of his insecurities that made him feel like he'd failed and needed to do better ("I needed you to have my back" vs "You're so needy")

And when it was Eddie and Shannon, the resolution of that relationship was Eddie deciding that he wanted to try and make it work, build a family and a future together, only for Shannon to bail on him (again). And obviously we haven’t seen the end of Buck and Taylor but based on everything we’ve seen about Buck’s development and growth, it seems pretty clear that what he’s looking for in the long run is to build a family and a future, most likely with children.

Now, we don’t know enough about Taylor to know how she feels about that sort of future trajectory but based on the very little we do know about her, I would hazard that this sort of future seems…unlikely as something she might want.

And obviously, the relationships came about in different circumstances, but the structure of season 4 Bucktaylor versus season 2 Eddie and Shannon feels like a funhouse mirror to me.

And then on the other hand, there’s a relationship where:

It starts after they met once a while ago

With a person who is also presented as a contrast and possibly a more reasonable choice than the other relationship mentioned above (“Ali’s a more grown up and less wild choice than Taylor” vs “such a healthy choice moving on from Shannon with Ana”)

Which begins with a coffee date

And which is all the development we really get in the relationship until an episode that seriously implies doom ahead

And ends with him getting severely whumped

with her there for the initial homecoming

But there’s something kinda off about that homecoming (Ali being unsure the firefighter lifestyle is for her; Eddie kissing Ana on the cheek the same way he kissed his grandmother?? Like my dude my guy there are perfectly acceptable chaste and polite ways to kiss someone on the mouth if you’re worried about scandalising the Youths or the Elders and that ain’t one of ‘em)

And the resolution of that relationship is that Ali was gone without ever officially saying the words “we should break up” before the next season began, and based on behind the scenes sleuthing while it seems like we will see Ana at least once at the start of season 5, it doesn’t seem to be a significant presence.

And idk!! I don’t know what to do with this, but like it seems really obvious to me that in a structural way, Taylor is Buck’s Shannon and Ana is Eddie’s Ali, even while the characters of Taylor and Shannon don't really resemble each other (and I'd argue we don't actually know enough about either Ana or Ali to say how alike or different they were/are, but they don't strike me as similar people), and I hope the boys both get the same as things out of these relationships as the other did -- just with better resolutions.

I want Buck to be in this relationship and evaluate what he wants from his future the way Eddie figured out he wanted to try being in a family, but I want him to have the opportunity Eddie didn’t and I want him to come to the conclusion that if he wants that future, it’s not going to be with Taylor because that’s just not who she is. And I want him to get the opportunity to end it on his terms in the way Eddie never got to.

And I want Eddie to — god I’m sorry this somehow circles back around to my entire shitpost about getting back on the horse/learning you don’t like horses — but I want him to acknowledge that his relationship with Ana, while important for his growth and for moving on after the traumatic end of the most significant relationship he’d had before, simply doesn’t go beyond that. It’s a relationship and it’s “nice” and “easy” but it’s not where his heart is and even though ending a relationship always hurts a little, it won’t devastate him. But most importantly, I want him to get to acknowledge that he’s choosing what he wants, which Buck sort of didn’t get to do with Ali because she made that choice for him.

And then, because I’m me, once they’ve gone through each other’s relationship mistakes and hopefully learned from each other’s example how to do it better, I want them to embark, nervously but so glad to be doing it, on something new and untried together.

ETA: Eddie and Ana’s first date was explicitly not coffee, but it had the same vibe as Buck and Ali’s first (coffee) date in that it was a casual café setting and we know nothing of it after the initial “its nice we’re doing this right?”

ETA(2): Both Shannon and Taylor have “changed” when they’re brought in to be love interests in season 2 and 4 respectively but Shannon’s change ultimately turned out to be insufficient for building their relationship forward. We have yet to see how deep Taylor’s apparent change runs and it’s clear that so far Buck does not trust it.

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Just thinking about the universe and catalysts and paths diverging so you can learn and grow before merging again!

Eddie got buried under 40feet of mud and had to take a different route to get back to the surface (even ground)- he was buried under his trauma and couldn’t get out by going back the way he came so he had to forge a new path. Which we then saw him do through seasons 4 and 5.

Then there’s Buck climbing that crane after Eddie got shot but metaphorically speaking, he never came back down. The idea of detachment from the world - you can still see it and you’re still part of it, but you’re not actively participating in it (Which is also a metaphor for donor not dad!). It connects in really interestingly with touch points of Bucks storyline since the well - his searching for something (a way down) while we keep seeing scenes happening involving height/ high things - the train rescue, then he met Abby on a hill overlooking the city (the same metaphor)blimps, walkways collapsing, the fact we’ve been out on bucks balcony a few times even the fact we’ve seen the firefam up on the roof of the firehouse!

It’s so interesting how the two arcs are paralleling each other and counterbalancing each other at key points - starting from the well. It’s the same trigger points for them both and how Buck tried to dig to get to Eddie but couldn’t because Eddie needed to find his own way back to the ground, and how Eddie is going to try to get to Buck but won’t be able to, because Buck needs to find his own way down (by this I mean separate from Eddie as if he’s in a coma he won’t be getting down on his own in the literal sense!)

It also therefore stands to reason that the flashbacks (or coma dream for Buck) will counter balance each other as well. Eddie’s flashbacks showed him his family - the one he was building and made him realise that Buck is a central part of that and I would argue, allowed him to recognise and accept that Shannon, whilst an important relationship in his life and someone he loved, was also toxic for him and that he could put that part of his life to rest. Bucks coma dream will conversely (most likely as we don’t actually know at this point) show him what life would be like without Eddie and Chris in it (fully expecting 6x11 to be an Eddie free episode because his absence is more telling and important then his presence!) and how what he thinks he wants and what he actually wants (and is already on his way to getting) are two different things - that the fantasy childhood he’s been dreaming of wouldn’t necessarily lead him to a happy adult life - that what he has fought to build is far better.

The universe is taking matters into its own hands to get him down - it might have been happy to let Eddie take a longer route to get back to the ground, because Eddie was making progress but Buck has been stuck in the air ultimately in stasis so it’s going to be a quicker route to the ground as it just shocks (literally and metaphorically) him into action and to getting back to the ground.

We’re so close to them both being in the same place at the same time that I’m vibrating at the epic story unfolding

[crossovereddie]

Actually, here is an alternative thing for you to occupy your time with, and a question I have been meaning to ask you for a while. I have finished 911 finally! So I'm ready for the new season. And I wonder, realistically, what do you think the roadmap would be for a buddie endgame?

I absolutely see how their story has been framed and filmed in a lot of parallels to how a romantic storyline would be set out. But there has been no outright mention of either of them being bi - although the conversation about Maddy setting Buck up with whassisface was very casual and could very easily have been an example of canonically bi Buck - and they are both at the end of season 4 in 'relationships' with women.

So, in your estimation, what's the timeline? What's the transition? How do they go about this and how long does it take? I wanna know your thoughts 👀

okay yes i have lots of thoughts on this and it's actually one of my fave questions i get asked. I've always watched a lot of tv shows so I'm just estimating on what I've seen before and what I would personally do. IMO this love story is a slow burn. We only have four seasons so far and only three of those seasons have Eddie in them. This unsurprisingly got long so ill put it under the cut.

So I'll go by seasons bc to me its important to look at everything that has happened so far by seasons and by love interests and not as a whole. Its the best way i can form a timeline that I think would make the most sense and why

S1: So we don't get any hints at Buck being anything other than straight and I think this is because he was supposed to be. They hadn't planned for Eddie yet and they definitely hadn't planned for the chemistry Oliver and Ryan were gonna have. S1 Buck was this reckless kid who didn't take anything serious. He was definitely super immature. Then he meets Abby and he starts to get serious about his job and his love life. I'm not gonna say "Abby changed him" because she didnt. He saw the person he was and the person he was becoming and decided on that change himself.

S2: Eddie!!!! So we get introduced to this army medic turned firefighter in the least heterosexual way. Then Buck is angry because Eddie is hot and really good at his job. they work together and Eddie compliments Buck and now they're smiley bffs. Seriously wtf was all that? Anyway this is all sus bc from what ive seen before in other shows when a main love interest leaves and a new main character replaces them, that means something. JLH replaced Connie Britton as far as big name actress but i really believe Eddie replaced Abby as far as importance in Buck's life. Do i think they brought him in with the intentions of turning him into a LI? No but they sure fueled the narrative from the get go. I think they saw fans reactions and started testing the waters.

Moving on to LIs in this season. We find out Eddie has a kid and the mother is not in the picture (eddie made sure buck knew that right away). Then later on we find out he's technically still married. shannon comes back and we get Eddie finally getting to confront this head on. He tries to get his family back together for the sake of his son. Its big for Eddie's character bc all he does and all he's ever done is for his son. Then Shannon asks for a divorce then she dies bringing this arc to an abrupt end and leaving eddie heartbroken.

meanwhile Buck is still waiting for Abby. Then he finally accepts that shes not coming back and decides to move on. He goes right back to being "Buck 1.0" with Taylor and feels bad about himself because that really isnt him anymore. He wants a real relationship. So then Ali calls and asks him on an actual date and he agrees. This is his first try at a relationship after a heartbreak. in tv these don't usually work out but are used to develop the main character's growth. We don't really see much of her but she breaks up with him so.

S3: This is Eddie finally dealing with his feelings/guilt season. This is also the season I think we really see how important Buck is to the Diaz boys. S2 had cute buckley-diaz family moments but those could still be interpreted as a best friend and his best friend's kid. This season though... after the tsunamic episode was when i really started to fully believe buddie was going canon. This season is solidifying their bond not only as Buck and Eddie but as Buck Eddie and Christpher. As I'm writing this I realized neither of them really has a love interest in this season do they? Ana is introduced but then is clearly presented as definitely NOT the right choice for eddie and especially for Chris. Then they counter that with Buck helping Eddie build a skateboard for Chris that he can use as opposed to Ana's ablest remarks about how he can't do it so just move on to something else. Then we get Buck's reaction in Eddie Begins. Buck has seen his team his friends his family get hurt on the job before but he has never reacted the way he did when it was Eddie in danger. Again solidifying just how much these two mean to each other. Don't even get me started on this season being when Eddie changes his will offscreen. Anyway we get Abby back and Buck finally gets the closure from that relationship that he needs to move forward into a serious relationship.

Now S4: jfc s4....IMO this is the only logical season to get the ball rolling on Buddie and they sure did that with 4x14 despite everything else. So i never thought they would be the first serious relationship for each other after the heart break theyve both experienced. It wouldn't be fair to their character developments. Buck tries dating Veronica and that clearly doesnt work but we know hes now open to dating again. We get Buck Begins where we see why Buck is the dare devil he is. The only way he got his parents attention as a kid was to put himself in danger. They bring back taylor and how to they ultimately get together after she friendzones him? She thinks hes in danger and suddenly wants him. As much as i hate it this is really gonna be a relationship where Buck finally stands up for himself and sees his own worth and realizes he deserves more. He deserves someone who sees him and loves him for who he is. He deserves to be chosen, something Abby Ali his parents dont do and what i think taylor wont end up doing. I feel like shes gonna choose her career over him. Maybe not in a "I'm breaking up with you" way but maybe she takes a new job and want to do LD (hes tried that twice and it didnt work for him. hes not gonna want that) or she could ask him to go with her but he wont. His family is in LA. His job is in LA. Eddie and Chris are in LA and he won't leave them. Then we have Eddie finally deciding to move on and try dating again so they bring back ana. To me it's not gonna work out so I'm not bothered at all lmao. It's interesting that they'd choose her though. Someone we already know Eddie doesn't trust with his son. There's also more buckley-diaz family scenes of them being coparents. The hildy episode, Chris running to Buck when hes mad at eddie, Buck being the one to tell Chris Eddie got hurt, then Buck staying with Chris and taking on the guardian role without him even knowing just how much that role really does belong to him. He didn't do it out of obligation. He didn't do it because he was asked to. He did it because he thought it would be best for Chris. Finally to 4x14. This is by far the biggest "Oh shit this is it. This is the beginning of buddie". We find out Eddie changed his will a year ago and has just been sitting on this info. I think Eddie knew back then what it meant but he wasn't in the right mindset to accept what it means so he kept it to himself. I think he finally started allowing himself to go there during treasure hunt. The man was jealous yall. Carla coming back and her comment about doing whats best for him and not chris is his oh shit moment. I think he wouldve broken up with Ana a few days after that if he had the time lol. He gets caught up in the mother/son sl then this poor mf gets shot by a sniper. The way that whole scene was filmed btw was not in a bff way. That was a lover watching his beloved almost die in front of him. Buck again puts himself down and Eddie decides this is the moment. He needs Buck to see how important he is. He wants buck to know how loved he is. So he sits there talking himself up to it and finally lets Buck know just how big of a part he is in Eddie's family. Buck's previous scene is him saying he wants someone who wants him back then here is Eddie saying he needs him...Chris needs him. wtf.

So with S5: I think Eddie knows and Buck has a feeling but he's not sure so what i would do is spend s5 with Eddie basically showing Buck his feelings but not exactly getting in the way of Buck's new relationship because Buck has to be the one to make that choice. Id also have chris feeling the different shift with buck having a gf like he did with Eddie. This newfound info wasnt just dropped on us for a "Aww so sweet" moment. This will business is gonna be a part of a bigger storyline. I'm hoping its with Eddie's family during maybe 5b.

So what I think would be the best timeline for canon buddie is 5a eddie already having either broken up with ana or is gonna break up with her, Buck choosing himself and ending things with Taylor by midseason finale, them bringing in Eddie's family in 5b and maybe then being when Eddie confesses his feelings for Buck. Then 6a we could get them walking on egg shells around each other not really knowing what to do bc this is all so new for both of them. This could bring just the right amount of comedy and angst especially them awkward and flustered around each other at work. A big blowup can happen between them for added angst (maybe an arguement before one of them or both of them is put in danger) then a midseason finale kiss. Then trying to find the balance between their personal relationship and their work relationship during 6b.

I don't know how long Fox shows last but procedurals can last a long time. I'm not sure thats gonna be the case for 911 especially with all the main cast staying that long so i think this would give us at least a whole season (S7) of canon buddie.

As far as then being presented as straight, there's been more seeds planted about buck being bi. A few i can remember off the top of my head: all of 2x1 lmao, maddie's comment about bucks boy crush on eddie, buck hinting at thinking eddie is cute when he thinks maddie is talking about him, the christmas elf, the comments on the instagram livestream, idk if youve watched it or not but TK's comment to Buck in the crossover episode, and like you mentioned Maddie's casual comment about setting him up with Josh. All we really know about Eddie's love life is he married Shannon when they were young and is trying with Ana so it could turn into a whole storyline for him.

I'm so sorry this is so long and took forever but i I hope i actually answered your question and didnt just get lost in rambles lmao.

[iconicbuck]

Is he talking to Taylor here? I don't think so. My guess is that Taylor's not even there yet. I feel like this scene is in Bobby and Athena's house. They probably have a small gathering there to celebrate the success of their call. My theory about the "great" line is, Eddie comes to Buck to where he's standing and invited him to his house to finally meet Ana for dinner or whatever. Buck of course agree and he felt like uncomfortable ( I have no proof to back up his discomfort but the way how he looks when he said "great" doesn't look or sound like he's excited or happy) then Eddie is glad Buck agrees and leave him to meet the other people in the area. That moment is when he said "great" and then the doorbell rings signaling Taylor's arrival.

Then here it is, Buck and Taylor finally talking and even said they make a great team.

But what makes Eddie decides to finally introduce Buck to Ana after more than 3 months of dating?

Again, my theory about this came from a pattern of events that happened from the previous episodes. Eddie's impulsive decisions has something to do with Buck's actions. Here's why.

Taylor Kelly was first introduced in 2x06 Dosed episode. Buck clearly show interest on Taylor after rescuing her on that chopper. It was also clear he show his interest when Taylor visited the firehouse for a documentary. Everybody was there to witness, including Eddie.

Shannon was first introduced in 2x07 Haunted episode through Carla's insistence. Carla talked sense to Eddie that Christopher needs his mother though Eddie made it pretty clear he doesn't want Shannon back in his life but because of Carla and the school, he finally gave in and invited Shan to his house. After the argument, he considered reconciling with his wife after the school visit and kissed her. Though hesitant at first, he kissed her again like kissing all his pain away.

Buck jumps back to the dating scene in 2x08 Buck Actually episode. He had sex with Taylor in a public restroom. He even went as far as talking about it to the 118 especially with Bobby. Eddie was there and he heard it. Also, during the episode, Ali's been calling Buck but was hesitant at first. Closing the episode, he finally agreed to meet Ali in a shop. That's when they started dating.

It is now known to everyone that Buck is dating Ali. This is when Eddie finally had sex with his wife in 2x10 Merry Ex-mas episode. After having sex and arguments, Eddie invited Buck instead to join him and Christopher to visit Santa. Buck loves to cry about the military surprised their family videos, Eddie realizes that he fully needs Shannon for Christopher.

Buck and Ali's relationship continues to grow (but there wasn't any build up) Buck finally found an apartment for himself so Ali can stay whenever she wants. Eddie and Shannon's relationship reconciled but it feels like they're both walking on eggshells. The only push that Eddie needs is that when Shannon though she's pregnant but was false alarm. She felt like Eddie looked at her as Chris' mom but not his wife anymore and so she wanted file a divorce and eventually died in 2x17 Careful what you wish for episode.

In 2x18, Ali left Buck. She loves him yes, but she can't handle Buck's job anymore after seeing him almost died.

Season 3 both Buck and Eddie are single. Hmm suspicious.

In Season 4 (LS's crossover episode) Buck was caught staring to Marjan by Hen and Eddie confirmed it by saying "you're staring" looking disappointed. Disappointed Eddie joins Judd, Paul and Marjan instead of his partner. He was intrigued why Buck was staring at her and decides to follows her on Insta. He talks about Buck helping him build the skateboard (It was Buck's idea anyway) and not-so defending him that he's harmless but mostly. It was bordering defending but clearing him while staring at Marjan to get a reaction from her. And later on asked her to follow back Buck in Insta. A mission accomplished for Eddie.

In 4x06, Buck announced the software update to Buck 3.0 - Kinder and Gentler version of himself. It was also his declaration of moving on from the past and starts to look for his future because he was tired of looking behind his shoulder. Eddie processed all the new information and even said that Buck should allow to give himself some time to process. An advice that he's been doing to himself, allowing some time to mourn more. STUCK. Eddie met Ana again. He talked about it to Buck but nothing came out of their conversation. He almost forgot about it when Buck's bratty attitude cornered him in front of his team mates about Ana's love languages (Like as if Eddie knows, right?) Hen, Chim and Bobby interrogates him about her. It was then implied that Eddie has no plans of dating Ana but it was Bobby that pushed him to go back out there to find something real. So Eddie dates Ana in an episode called JINX.

After learning Eddie's date (an implied scenario) Buck let himself back to the market as well in 4x07 and dated Veronica. It ended up in a disaster. He talks about it to Eddie even if the date didn't end well. Information is key.

After learning of Buck's back to dating again, Eddie dates Ana again, in her house. A Math date which he set an alarm for. Eddie did even say she's a terrible Math teacher but a great cook and an amazing woman. Just like a female version of someone. Buck is terrible at Math, can cook and obviously an amazing guy. Buck asked Eddie how was the date and he answered without looking his eye that she taught her MATH. It was an intentional slap to Buck's lack of Math knowledge. Why mention Math? I will never understand. Also, Taylor Kelly is back again. Covering at the same time the 118 attending the call. Buck was with Taylor most of the 6-hour waiting call while the 118 we're almost together. An implication that everyone knows including Eddie that Buck is with Taylor talking to her the whole damn time. So that night an impulse decision was made, he tells Chris that he's seeing someone. Christopher didn't take the news right and went straight to Buck's. Since they didn't show the scene where Eddie picks Chris to Buck's house where most probably he learned that Buck just came from a double date with Taylor and Albert with Veronica, and after learning Taylor called Buck to ask for a miracle, another impulse decision Eddie has made, he let Ana introduce her to his son too soon..

While Buck and Taylor continues to be friends, Eddie and Ana's relationship continues after 3 months of dating as seen by the time jump in 4x10 Parenthood episode.

As you can see, everything that Buck does first, it affects Eddie... In a very SUBTLE WAY. Another perfect example was the lawsuit. Buck's lawyer told Buck to stop communicating to the 118 (including Eddie) until the arbitration. The none contact triggered Eddie's past from Shannon. It was an implication that he put Buck in Shannon's position. The none contact has seen Eddie in an instant downward spiral. His impulsive decisions and constipated emotions led him to jail and almost kill someone in an underground fight club. This is the same person who will do everything for his SON, fyi.

So what I'm trying to say again here is, after the episodes 4x11 and 4x12 where most probably a Buck/Taylor centric episodes, Eddie's gonna make an impulse decision again and invite Buck to finally meet Ana to his house. And Buck, most probably bring Taylor with him. We'll see about that.

[halinski]

I have a lot of feelings about Buck, like don't even ask, I will never be able to put it into words or anything other than abstract feelings in this world

I just know this, Eddie loves Buck and Buck is ace and Taylor is a relapse ✌️

"You've been shutting me out."

It's ironic, Eddie thinks, that these exact words come now 20 minutes after the black out, which felt like maybe the world had shut down. They were stuck mid rescue in an elevator and well, the world had been such a whirlwind since he'd been shot, and this emergency and that- but now it had stopped. And they'd succumbed to their fate, sat down on the dingy elevator floor, bathed in a red back up light, the building silent around them. Out there, somewhere, a siren rang, and Buck sighed.

It was deep and heavy, like he was Atlas lifting the world off his shoulders for a break, something like relief, like that first deep shuddering breath when your lungs finally recovered from a run. It was way too heavy for a young man, barely thirty, who was finding himself. Eddie knew that Buck had been fighting lately. Mostly himself, but also his parents and past, and pushing past the boundaries of life that had been set around him. Then there was the shooting and Buck had truly been nerve-wrecked, Eddie was far from blind, and hell, he'd been a little preoccupied with figuring himself out, and recovering, letting go and paving the way for a future with no regrets- but he'd seen Buck. It was harder to look away at this point.

But he had, because the world had been spinning and Buck had been putting enough pressure on himself, becoming an uncle, and taking care of Chris with full abandon, and therapy and... Taylor. Eddie hadn't wanted to push too hard.

Now that they were here though, just the two of them...

Buck's looking at him, that irritated lost puppy stare, vulnerable and defiant all at once, like Eddie was the first to venture into certain spaces that made up Evan Buckley. It was a deliberant choice, at this point. Back in the beginning, he'd just reached out a hand and had been surprised to find an anchor to the world he'd never knew existed, and now he ventured further deliberately.

It hadn't been a question, and even so Buck looked ready to fight him, a last defensive wall, before he caved and those murky blue eyes dropped away. Full submission.

Eddie waited, opening up the room and hoping for his partner in crime and rescue to fill it and yet... Buck only shrugged weakly.

"Things have been..." He started half-heartedly, losing motivation half-way through and concluding with a disheartened, "busy." Eddie watched him busy himself with the callouses on his palm, picking and rubbing, as if he could erase the last few weeks of running himself ragged.

There had definitely been a lot less mentions of calls to Dr. Copeland lately, a lot of unfocused Buck, who was making himself smaller, less noticeable and quieter. Not that he was actually quiet, Eddie knew Buck could fill the building with vibrance for the benefit of everyone around within the blink of an eye. But his true emotions dwindled, where they'd slipped out before in shadows of an action, or an obvious plea hidden in drowning eyes - now he was more... Calculated.

And even now, Buck lifted his head again under Eddie's scrutiny in square-jawed surrender as if that was that to this conversation, there was nothing more to be done.

Eddie was not convinced. They'd gotten way too far, the two of them, to slip back down to the trenches in this mud slide. Eddie had found solid footing in his own world, and he was unafraid right here, under private eyes with the one person in the world he trusted most. Solid enough that he could stare right back at the nervous energy Buck was holding back and dare it.

What are you so afraid?

A question he had asked himself many sleepless nights, especially after Carla's little "follow your heart" speech, after he'd laid in bed, heart racing, hearing shots and all he wanted had been to-

All he'd wanted was safety, and he could've kept lying to himself, could've deliriously shouted at the universe that he didn't know where he could ever feel safe again, and yet his own body and heart had long gone betrayed him that day in the hospital just before he'd walked out, explicitly stating that he had signed his heart off to Buck a year ago. He couldn't even call it betrayal, because there wasn't a single cell in his body that doubted his decision, that doubted Buck. He just doubted... Himself.

And maybe that he'd be enough for Buck right now, still. He was so far from his best self, and yet better and more stable than he'd ever been. So he sat and he stared back, arms resting easily in his lap, and challenged.

"Why do you keep going back to her?"

Goddammit, Eddie, way to sound like the most jealous jerk in the world.

Buck winced, eyebrows seeming to ask 'really?' and 'what do you mean?' all at the same time and then shrugging again.

"Taylor?" He asked simply, biding time probably.

"Yeah," Eddie assured, the hum of the emergency light their only company as he waited for Buck to reply.

"She's the only one who really wants me," he said, but the tone of his voice wasn't right. Unconvinced. The admission to easily offered to ring true.

Eddie can't stop the snort of disbelief from escaping him. From all that he's heard about the rust-haired reporter... He couldn't imagine what Buck saw in her. He'd seen the effect of her words on him, saw Buck fall in line behind her with a bowed head, saw how the hurt now flared in Buck's face at his open faced challenge to that statement.

A part of Eddie wanted to grab Buck by the face and scream at him, can't you see?!

You're wanted whole-heartedly by me.

But Buck wasn't his to love yet, not really.

"Look, I don't know what you see on the outside but... She wants me. She chose me and I- what more could I ask for, you know? I'm... I'm working on it. On myself. And for now- this is it," Buck said, rattling it down like he was trying to work it into a checklist.

Eddie just wanted to know what 'it' was supposed to mean. But he nodded, because in a way it did make sense. The same way Ana had made sense, even though she absolutely didn't and he was glad that was over and he could laugh over that foolish affair now.

People had questioned his change of heart when he broke up with her during recovery, but when they'd realized he truly wasn't heartbroken and backsliding, they had taken it in full stride. A little misstep, no great scars taken (well except for the new bullet hole in his shoulder but that didn't really have anything to do with Ana, it just happened to be a part of the same journey heading toward a joined destination) and here they were at a pit stop.

The silence simmered between them, just somewhere right before the cliff, staggering before the precipice toward their comfort zone. It had always taken a little leap from both sides to get them to where they were today. Buck usually happens to fall into his without thinking much, just because he was ready to throw himself in dangers way or alternatively, rushing in out of sense of duty, and making it seem so, so very easy. The way he had walked into Eddie's house and kitchen, stepped right into his space and said: 'i'm here and I'm owning my mistakes because you're worth it' or something of the sort. All Eddie remembered was the care and the genuine emotion he'd felt and... The realization that he'd finally found home.

"It just feels like... You smile less when it comes to her." Eddie still did't really want to say her name. He wasn't about to go out blaming Taylor for all the times Buck was sad- it was just an observation. It took a lot to get Buck to giving up his smile. He hated that Taylor accepted a watered down version of him; bright, bold, and boasting Buck.

"Do I?" Buck asked, a furrowed crease appearing between his eyebrows, truly confused.

Eddie nodded.

"Relationships are always a compromise," Buck offered with a half-hearted twitch of his shoulder. "You know me. We're both pretty stubborn. We butt heads."

Buck flicked his wrist for a useless gaze at his watch. It made them none the wiser about the state of their rescue.

"Yeah, I know you," Eddie retorted gently. "Though, you do tend to have a point."

He could come up with a million examples. Eager, always ready to show up and make it work, Buck. How many times had he burrowed himself into Eddie's skin already with truths that stuck like thorns until Eddie accepted them into his bones.

All he wanted was to return the favor

The man granted him a small, crooked smile. It was crazy how much so little could mean to one person. Desperate, wounded, isolated Buck.

How Eddie wanted to tell him explicitly 'dont do what I did, kid, don't fall back into and habits at first chance just because you don't think you're worth anything else'- there were reasons why it didn't work in the first place. He'd learned the exact same lesson with Shannon. And God, the way Eddie had dragged Buck with him back then, for safety, as he had ranted to him and searched for the answers, only to make the same damn mistake.

That wasn't his life.

And Taylor wasn't Buck's. And Eddie knew this.

Knew from what Buck had told about her the first time she had been around, and from all that Eddie had heard about Buck's relationship to sex. It had turned into a joke at the station, oh, Buck and his self-diagnosed sex addiction, but Eddie recognized that worried little steeple on Bobby's forehead when he reminded everyone that that one therapist wasn't licensed to work for them anymore. But it went way deeper, didn't it?

Eddie knew about self-destructive behaviors. Not intimately. But he'd learned a lot about PTSD lately and adjacent behaviors. Buck and sex was a self-destructive bomb if he'd ever seen one.

And it was no coincidence that Taylor and Buck's relationship centered around physical intimacy.

Buck showed up where he was wanted or needed. They all knew that.

"Just... Make sure you get what you want too," Eddie said. "Put yourself first."

Cue the bewildered, insecure facial expression. Now and then Eddie wished he could hide Buck from the world. Shield him. For now all he could do was stand by.

"Because you'll always be wanted. Make sure the reasons are right for you. It has to be good for you."

And Eddie wouldn't be leaning so far out the window if Buck were to look him in the eyes and say 'nah it's not like that' but all he did was get quiet. Eddie couldn't leave him sitting like that, rearranging himself to stretch his legs out before they fell asleep and casually leaning his shoulder against Buck's.

"You're a good guy, Buck. You deserve only the best.

If you wanted Buck to hear you sometimes you had to get straight to the point.

Maybe one day Eddie could conquer his fear and say what he really wanted to say.

When they were both ready.

[buckleyydiaz]

what he deserves

Ship: Buck/Eddie

Summary: It had to be done - someone had to do it, to make sure Buck got the best in life, what he truly wanted. As the old adage says, “if you love someone, let them go.” Eddie could only hope it paid off in the end, because it really wasn’t feeling as though it would.

Words: 2.4k

Eddie didn’t want to be angry at Buck - it felt wrong, went against every fibre of his being, to feel so pissed off with Buck, of all people, his best friend, his partner, the most selfless man he knew, who would never do anything with the intent of hurting anyone else.

But anger was easy. Anger was familiar, being consumed by a burning rage was comfortable, easy, no matter how much he didn’t like it - no matter how much it scared Eddie, because it was too easy - and he couldn’t afford to fall back into old habits.

What Eddie was certain of, however, was that he would rather be pissed off at Buck, he would rather risk going back to what he swore to himself, to Buck, that he would never do again, than move beyond the anger. Because he didn’t know what would lie beyond it, but he was sure it would be a hell of a lot more frightening than all of the possibilities which anger provided him with.

He knew if he hadn’t stopped attending therapy as soon as it had stopped being mandated for him, that his therapist would have most likely told him that he had to move past anger, that he had to acknowledge what he really felt, but that was bullshit. Therapy had never really been Eddie’s thing, anyways.

So Eddie would sit and let his anger stew for a while, letting it simmer inside, burning him up from the insides - he deserved it anyway, he thought, as he tried desperately to make excuses to his own mind as to why it was right for him to do what he so clearly knew to be wrong.

He deserved to hurt himself by letting the anger build, he decided, because he simply managed to miss that something was so significantly wrong with Buck, that he wasn’t - wouldn’t be - happy in their relationship. Eddie had never wanted to do anything but protect and love Buck, but he had done nothing but fail at that, evidently.

It was all just made worse by the fact that Buck didn’t say anything, that he never had. He had never mentioned that he wanted more, that just Christopher and Eddie couldn’t be enough for him.

Instead, Eddie found out because he simply happened to walk past at just the right - or as it felt, wrong - time.

“I’ve always wanted a kid of my own.”

That was all it took. Eddie didn’t even know what on Earth Buck had been talking about with Chim for that to come up, but it had, and that was all that mattered.

Eddie would bend over backwards for Buck, he would do almost anything he could to make things as good as they could be for him, because he deserved it, but of course, the one thing that Buck wanted, was the one thing that Eddie was unable to provide.

A child. Of his own.

Eddie had always known that Buck loved children - he had made that clear from very early on in their friendship, and the way he was with Christopher was proof. Buck had proven that he would walk through hell and back for him, and Eddie knew that Buck was his son’s absolute favourite person in the world. He had always figured that would be enough for Buck, had always hoped it would be, because Eddie couldn’t give Buck a child of his own, nor was he sure if he was in a position in his life to have another child, if it were even a distant possibility.

As he thought about it, the anger began to dissipate, much to Eddie’s disappointment, because he knew what was coming.

Waves of sadness began to wash over him, and as they crashed and crashed, it felt like he was drowning. He preferred the violent, scorching pain of rage, to this dull, aching feeling that left him desperately gasping for breath, for a tiny bit of happiness, that was nowhere to be found.

Eddie hated to wallow in self-pity, but it was better to sit alone and sulk than to force anyone else to deal with his chaos, his broken heart.

Because he knew, no matter how much he wished he could, that he would do whatever it took to make Buck happy.

The strange selflessness was proof of Buck’s impact, proof of all of the ways he had changed Eddie for the better. And now Eddie had to do just one thing, one tiny thing, for the betterment of Buck’s life.

He had to let go, no matter how much it hurt, or how much he hated doing it. Buck would never do it for himself, not even if it was holding him back from happiness.

--

Eddie wasn’t sure which had been harder - breaking up with Buck, watching his crestfallen expression, which did nothing to make Eddie feel better about breaking his own heart on some Buck-esque self-sacrificial attempt at doing the right thing, or telling Christopher that Dad and Buck weren’t dating anymore, that Buck wouldn’t spend almost every night with them anymore. Both just made Eddie wish he could have stayed oblivious, that it then wouldn’t have been him that was the bad guy who had to do the breaking up - which, he had realised, would probably lead to him being alienated at work (they had all always liked Buck more than him, not that he could fault them for that, he felt the same way, but it meant that there would be hell to pay for hurting him, even though it was for Buck) - and who had to break the news to his son.

But it had to be done - someone had to do it, to make sure Buck got the best of life, what he truly wanted. As the old adage says, “if you love someone, let them go.” Eddie could only hope it paid off in the end, because it really wasn’t feeling as though it would.

--

When Eddie turned up to the 118 for his next shift, it was clear everyone knew what had happened. Buck had told Maddie, who had told Chim, and before long, the entire firehouse knew exactly what Eddie had done.

Eddie Diaz had been just the next in line to break Buck’s heart, just as Abby had before him, which he had sworn to never do. He was certain he was angrier at himself for doing so than anyone else, but he also knew it was for the best. It was for Buck. It had to be.

But all of the excuses he had for his actions within his head meant nothing to the others, who refused to so much as talk to him in passing, which only felt worse, because their shift was so quiet, and they were stuck there, just them.

While Hen, Chimney, Bobby and Buck sat up in the kitchen, each doing their own thing but sharing the space, Eddie had isolated himself to the gym - it was easier to be on his own of his own volition, and to pretend it wasn’t essentially going to be forced upon him.

Eddie tried to lose himself in what he was doing, tried to get each punch to the bag to take him further out of his mind, with little success, although it had rendered him unaware enough of his surroundings that he had not noticed Hen walking up behind him for far too long, not until she cleared her throat to get his attention.

He kept his back turned to her, not particularly keen to be chewed out for breaking up with Buck, for hurting him, when Buck was hardly the most hurt in the situation.

“Eddie, what happened?” She asked, as Eddie continued to try and tune her out. “You were both so happy.”

Eddie rolled his eyes at Hen’s words, because that’s what he had thought too, but he kept his focus firmly on the punching bag in front of him.

“Clearly not,” he muttered, not even sure that Hen would hear him, but she did, and reached out to touch his shoulder, causing him to turn around.

“Look, I can’t deal with you berating me for upsetting poor little Buck right now, okay, and I don’t think it’s really even your place to get involved.”

Eddie felt a little bad for snapping at her, but at the same time, he didn’t have the capacity to deal with the consequences of actions he hadn’t even wanted to take - not yet.

Hen, however, was clearly unbothered, used to dealing with people far ruder than Eddie, on what could be as often as a daily basis, in their job.

“Hey, I haven’t come here for Buck. I wanted to make sure you are okay, this can’t have been easy on you, and I hope you don’t think we are all against you.”

That made Eddie feel the slightest bit better, to have someone who wasn’t against him, when even he himself was conflicted on it, but it left him unsure as to what to say, because he wasn’t okay, but any attempt at a lie, Hen would almost immediately see right through him. He had to try anyway.

“I’m fine Hen, it's fine.”

As he predicted, Hen immediately gave him a look along the lines of are you fucking kidding me, not taking his bullshit for one moment.

“No its not, Eddie, and if you don’t want to talk about it with me, fine, but for the love of God, please talk to someone, okay?” After a moment where neither spoke, she began walking away, but briefly turned around - “You are as much our family as Buck is. It’s not that we don’t care about you, or blame you, it’s just much harder to tell when something is wrong than with Buck.”

Any other time he would have rolled his eyes at what she was saying, but to be honest, he appreciated the reassurance, because when they were all ignoring him, but were so concerned about Buck, it stung, just a bit, even if he deserved it.

“He wants a kid.”

Hen faced Eddie again, furrowing her eyebrows as she tried to work out what Eddie meant - Buck had always been so happy with Eddie and with Christopher.

“I heard him say it to Chimney. He wants a kid, one of his own.”

Eddie looked up from his hands, which he had been fiddling with as he spoke softly, to see Hen looking at him pityingly, but also to see Chim walking towards them, seemingly summoned by his name.

“Aw, Eddie, are you sure he meant that? Maybe it was out of context? Because you know that Buck loves Christopher like his own.”

“Well clearly that wasn’t enough for him!” He exclaimed, anger flooding through his veins as he tried to rein it back in - it wasn’t Hen’s fault that he hadn’t been enough for Buck, the same way he hadn’t been enough for Shannon. “So it’s done now. He can go off and find some woman and have a kid of his own. It’d be unfair of me to hold him back from that.”

Chim must have been close enough to hear what Eddie was saying, as a look of realisation, mixed with the same pity on Hen’s, painted his face.

“That’s not what he was saying, you know? Buck is so in love with you, and Christopher is his entire world. You are both everything that he has ever wanted.”

Eddie looked at Chim curiously, confused, because Chim had been a part of the initial conversation, and what he was saying seemed so far the opposite of what he had heard.

“Buck has always wanted a kid of his own, and he has one now, thanks to you - or he did.”

Eddie wondered if Hen and Chim could tell that the only thing he could think was oh shit. He had just ruined the best relationship he had ever been in over a misunderstanding.

“Go get him back, Eddie,” Hen said, smiling, and Eddie knew he had to do just that.

He made his way up the stairs to the kitchen area, trying to work out how on Earth he could grovel enough to make up for what he did. Eddie found Buck sat alone, Bobby having returned to his office.

“Buck, I- uh, I need to apologise,” Eddie began, looking at Buck, his eyes red and puffy, which just tugged on his heartstrings to see, knowing he was the cause.

Buck wouldn’t even look up at him.

“I, uh, heard you talking to Chim.”

Eddie watched as Buck looked up, horror all over his face.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep Eddie, I know Christopher is just your son and always will be, I just… love you both.”

Buck’s apology confused Eddie for a moment, because none of this was remotely his fault, Buck hadn’t said anything wrong - what part of the conversation was he even referring to? - but was he surprised by the show of Buck’s self-flagellating nature? Not particularly - Buck never had mastered being nice to himself.

“Overstep? You are my best friend, we are family! You could never! I thought you didn’t want us anymore.”

It was Buck’s turn to look confused, his head tilted to the side as he looked up towards Eddie.

“Why would you think that?”

“You said that you wanted a kid of your own, and I can’t give that to you!”

Buck’s eyes widened as Eddie spoke, eventually a slight smile appearing as he realised what had happened.

“And you didn’t listen past that? Eddie, you should know that you and Chris are all I need, or want.”

Begrudgingly, Eddie smiled slightly too.

“Yeah I should have, shouldn’t I?”

Buck stood up and made his way to where Eddie was standing, pulling him tight.

“I’m so glad I didn’t lose you,” Buck murmured, speaking softly into Eddie’s shoulder, his eyes welling up slightly with relief and joy.

“I love you, Buck.”

Eddie smiled as he said that, but before Buck was able to say it back, the bell began to ring out through the station, causing them to pull apart, rolling their eyes.

As they raced down the stairs to meet with the rest of the team, they were greeted with a grateful chorus of cheers from their friends.

They grinned, and Buck lent over to kiss Eddie on his cheek.

“Yeah, yeah, we know, you’re back together, but please, do not subject us to your ridiculous PDA. We do not need to see that.”

[readinginthereadyroom]

it’s rage (911 3x05) and the divorce lawsuit arc keeps eddie from reaching out to buck. 

but the thing is. eddie’s been isolating himself. not on purpose. but as a means of coping. with the almost-baby. the would-be divorce. shannon’s death. his family visiting. the ladder bombing. buck’s blood clots. the tsunami. christopher’s ptsd. and there’s no time for anything else. certainly not time for himself. 

and he’ll willingly take christopher to therapy. but won’t give that to himself. he’s not touchy-feely like that. or at least. he doesn’t think he’s allowed to be. 

eddie basically admits it in kids today (911 3x01). look, I know it sucks, but that's life, right? whenever stuff didn't work out for me, my dad always told me to brush it off, keep moving forward. It wasn't easy but he wasn't wrong. 

but instead of that he listens to his team. decides that hen’s I don't know if I should just give him a swift kick in the butt and get him back out there or hug him and tell him that it's all gonna be okay. is the better advice. so he shows up unannounced at buck’s loft. gives him a swift kick in the ass outta bed. hands him a hug in the shape of christopher. he never feels sorry for himself. and it seems to work. for a while. I learned one thing from that tsunami: it's that I don't quit. I fight. because even after the tsunami. after losing christopher during the second wave. eddie still trusts buck. because buck never stopped searching. never stopped trying to find christopher. and that means everything. thank you for not giving up.

but then there’s the fallout. christopher’s having nightmares. and he’s unwilling to talk about them to eddie. he obviously saw something terrible when he was separated from buck. something that he conflates with his mother’s death. something about a woman drowning. 

which is absolutey heartbreaking. especially since there’s nothing eddie can really do. just keep loving him. 

and bosko means well. she and eddie are building their own friendship since the tsunamis. and it’s been growing while she temps at the 118. she gives him invaluable advice when he talks about christopher. that no matter what, her mom shared her feelings with her. however we felt, we were in it together, no matter what.

but she’s also a literal buck stand-in. a temporary coworker and a temporary confidante. especially once the lawsuit is underway. well, there's no way I was gonna call my abuela or the 118, and I'm not allowed to talk to buck.

because buck is trying to get his job back. feeling hurt and betrayed and lashing out. and inadvertabtly hurting those he cares about most. because he told his lawyer about shannon’s death. how eddie never took any time off to grieve. never saw a counselor.

and eddie’s not okay with that. not after the revelation about christopher’s nightmares. the fresh wounds that would leave. because eddie’s a private guy. guarded about his emotions. he’s silly and soft with christopher in their own home. but he’ll cry alone on the beach. 

and maybe buck didn’t say all that to this stranger. this ambulance chaser. but it feels like he did. that buck aired all his dirty laundry. personal things. that buck didn’t have his back. 

but maybe bosko can. she might be a buck mirror in the tsunami eps but she’s also an eddie mirror. she’s not into touchy feely emotions either. and she likes to fight. so she takes him to fake fight club. let’s him work off some steam. 

only it fails spectacularly. because eddie’s not actually mad. he’s not angry. no, he’s hurting. and he doesn’t know how to show it. and maybe that's where our rage comes from. a feeling that our world, our lives are out of control.

and it all comes spilling out in the pet aisle of a grocery store. because buck’s there to apologize and eddie. eddie misses him. I can't even talk to you and you’re not around. 

even worse. christopher misses him. and buck didn’t even realize that.

and there’s a lifetime bad advice is still rattling around in eddie’s head. we all have our own problems, but you don't see us whining about it. no, somehow, we just manage to suck it up. why can't you? and then he says something truly awful. something he doesn’t actually mean.

you're exhausting.

which is to say. eddie’s exhausted. he’s obviously not sleeping, not with christopher waking up to nightmares. and everything feels like it’s out of control. eddie feels like he’s out of control. 

and just when he felt like he was getting some of that control back--buck becoming a fire marshal. a new friend. admitting he’s sad to chris. a week without nightmares--that lawyer takes it all away. makes him feel like he’s still not enough. awakens the old fears that he’ll drag christopher down with him. because he didn’t grieve properly. didn’t let himself feel. and that’s what sparked all of christopher’s problems. 

nevermind that none of it’s true. that it’s just eddie projecting. because he feels helpless. powerless. weak. alone.

and that’s why eddie goes to the private fights. why he continues going. despite the bruises and the beatings. and why he gives buck the cold shoulder in monsters (911 3x06) when he notices them. nothing you need to be concerned with.

because their team is broken. when you decided to sue the department, to make cap the bad guy, did you ever stop for a minute to think what that could do to us? and yeah, eddie’s obtensibly refering to the 118 team. but that little finger waggle gives him away. us as in you and me. us as in you and christopher. us as in the buckley-diaz team.

your actions, your choices, they impact the rest of us. that's what it means to be a part of a team. because eddie’s ready to finish their conversation from the grocery story. ready to listen. because buck’s proven he’s listened too. acknoweldged that he didn’t think about what could happen. that he didn’t mean for it to go so far. didn’t mean for anyone. let alone eddie and chris. to get hurt. 

only he was so mad. at bobby. at the 118. at the world. at himself. and he wanted to punch something. 

just like eddie. 

and maybe that’s what does it. because eddie’s forgiven buck before he can even finish asking. I forgive you. also what it means to be part of a team. because they were the same. they were both hurting. both retreating inward and lashing outwards. alone and suffering for it. 

so eddie puts their team back together. seals all that tough love with a hug. 

and it’s not quite over. they still have some healing to do--eddie’s still cage fighting and buck’s still repairing his relationship with bobby. but now they have each other’s backs. they can heal together. 

because they’re on the same team. again.

[etherealtauruss]

i’m wasting my time (when it was always you)

read on ao3

The air in the room was thick with tension. The men weren’t as close to each other as they usually were. It was weird, to say the least, to sit with such a generous amount of space between them. The silence was uncomfortable as well; it was bordering on eerie at this point. This wasn’t the first time they sat in a noiseless room together, but something about the energy was off. 

On the bright side, Christopher was finally in bed, thanks to Buck and two chapters of his latest Goosebumps book. Eddie had decided it’d be best if they talked about the disagreement they had earlier in the day tomorrow; after both of them had a good night’s rest. If they tried to hash it out tonight, he was sure that they’d just be talking in circles. Both parties needed a clear mind going into the conversation of Eddie jumping back into the dating pool. 

Now, back to the issue at hand. Buck and Eddie were fighting. 

Okay, fighting is an exaggeration, but things were certainly weird between them. Eddie had originally come by to pick up Chris, and he had figured Buck would fill him in on anything he deemed detrimental the following day. But, the look on his best friend’s face said it all. Whatever had happened between the time that Chris arrived at Buck’s house and Eddie coming by to get him, was something they needed to discuss sooner rather than later. 

But seeing said look on Buck’s face made Eddie want to do nothing more than hold him close and assure him that everything would be alright. He had no idea what they had discussed, but the thought of either of the most important people in his life hurting was almost too much to bear. 

Eddie wanted to place soft kisses all over Buck’s body; starting from his nose and ending at the tips of his toes. He wanted to love Buck unapologetically. He wanted to declare his love for the man; shouting it from the rooftop of the tallest building he could locate in Los Angeles. So yeah, there was no denying his feelings for Buck. But to risk losing one of the best friends he’s ever had? To risk ruining the amazing friendship between Buck and Chris? It wasn’t worth it. He had ultimately decided his feelings didn’t matter all that much in the grand scheme of things. 

If only he had the balls to just come out and say it, perhaps he could’ve avoided this night sent from hell entirely. 

So, that’s how they ended up here. In Eddie’s living room, acting as if they’d never spoken to each other a day in their lives. 

“So you’re just not going to say anything,” Eddie finally announced after what seemed like a lifetime. 

“I’m not sure what you expect me to say, Eddie.” 

Buck’s tone was clipped. 

“I want you to explain to me what conversation took place between you and Chris,” Eddie replied. “Because clearly, it was more serious than I had originally assumed.”

“I already told you on the drive over here,” Buck groaned. “I specifically said we had a heart to heart; nothing more, nothing less.” 

Eddie crossed his arms and turned his body so he was facing the younger man. “Do you expect me to believe that, Buckley? Because the look on your face formed words before your mouth had the chance to.” 

“You want the truth? Because I can give you the truth, Diaz,” Buck answered. “Chris told me that everyone leaves and when they do, he misses them, and it makes him sad,” Buck took a breath. “And now, you’re going to introduce him to yet another person, just for them to leave. He’s scared. And quite frankly? I don’t blame him, Eddie.” 

Eddie took a second to absorb what Buck had just told him. He had no idea this is where the anger Chris expressed was stemming from. But how could he? This had been the first time the topic of dating had come up since Shannon’s passing. And now with the pandemic, feelings were bound to be amplified in all areas. 

“Wait, ” Eddie said. “Did you just imply that you don’t think Ana is here for the long run?” His brows were furrowed and his tone was teetering on accusatory, but he couldn’t care less right now. 

“Maybe I did,” Buck replied. And boy, did he look smug, with the outer parts of his mouth quirked slightly. He was testing Eddie; seeing how far he could push him until he reached his breaking point. 

“That’s a bold statement to make about someone you barely know,” Eddie fired back. 

Things were heating up, quickly. 

“That’s rich coming from you,” Buck chuckled humorlessly. “You’re bringing someone into his life that you barely know!” 

Eddie grimaced at Buck’s statement. He wasn’t wrong, per se, but he was in too deep. This was happening.

“That’s not,” his voice faltered, “that’s not the same and you know it.” 

“Oh but it is,” Buck replied. “Humor me though. How well do you know Miss Flores?”

Eddie opened his mouth and then closed it. He knew she was Chris’s old teacher. He knew she was now a VP at a different school. He knew she was Latina. He knew she was beautiful, smart, and put together. 

Okay, so maybe that was all that he knew. 

“Ha! See. I know you, Eddie and you know me. But you have to admit, you don’t know anything that’s not surface-level about her.” He laughed again, “Your conversations are about as deep as a kitty pool.” 

“I’m getting to know her, Buck,” Eddie replied, rolling his eyes. “Do you get into relationships and dive into their shit immediately?” 

While Eddie waited for Buck’s response, he rose from the couch and walked into the kitchen. He grabbed two beers from the bottom shelf of the fridge and nodded his head at Buck, signaling him to move the conversation. 

Buck walked up to the island, cracked open his Heineken, and took a generous swig. “No. But I also don’t have a mini-me to introduce my potential significant other to,” Buck said pointedly. “All I’m saying is that I think it’s a little early to be jumping headfirst into the deep end.” 

“I didn’t ask you what your opinion was on my relationship.” 

“I mean technically-” Buck challenged, but Eddie was fed up at this point. 

“Why do you care so much anyway?” Eddie countered, cutting Buck off mid-sentence. 

Buck was taken back. He wasn’t expecting that question, but he was quick on his feet, so he went rushing in with another answer. 

“Because I care about Chris,” he said calmly. “I also care about you and I want you to be happy, I do. You deserve it more than anyone, but I just think you’re moving a little fast. There’s no guarantee she’s not going to walk out when it gets rocky.” 

Buck sighed, “Or maybe she’ll decide that being with a first responder isn’t for her. Which I mean, fair; it’s not for everyone. Regardless, the point still stands. I don’t think she’s permanent in Chris’s life at the moment, so it’s weird, in my opinion, to treat her as such.” 

Eddie knew Buck was right. He wanted to say it. The words were at the tip of his tongue. If he could just– 

“I’m a permanent fixture in Chris’s life,” Buck blurted out, nervously brushing his palms against his jeans. 

Eddie raised an eyebrow at the younger. Surely Buck didn't think he could be anything but a permanent fixture in Chris’s life. He meant so much to both of them; Eddie and Christopher. Buck was a crucial part of the Diaz family; no ifs, ands, or buts. 

“I never said you weren’t. Is there something I’m missing here?” Eddie asked, letting out a nervous laugh.  

“I-,” Buck began. “Nevermind. Now’s not the time.”

“Buck, c’mon,” Eddie pleaded. “There’s no better time than right now.” 

“I can’t,” Buck muttered. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I can't tell you like this,” he finished in a hushed tone. 

Eddie frowned. He placed his beer bottle onto a swirled marble of the island and swiftly walked over to his best friend who stood just three feet away. He placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and rested his thumb on Buck’s collarbone, rubbing it back and forth across the clavicle covered by milky skin. 

“Buck. You know you can tell me anything,” Eddie said. He gave the man's shoulder a light squeeze and continued to rub his thumb across the length of the prominent bone, letting Buck know it was okay to speak whenever he was ready. 

“Did you ever stop and think about why I jumped into the dating pool right after you did?” Buck asked, eyes trained on the floor. 

“I-I figured–,” Eddie stumbled slightly, trying to find the right words. “I just assumed you were tired of being single.”

“That and the fact that the person I wanted was whisked away before I had the chance to tell him how I feel,” Buck replied, voice cracking. His throat felt like it was closing and he felt the familiar sting towards the back of his eyes, a sure sign that the waterworks were on their way. “God. This is pathetic.” 

“Hey. Look at me,” Eddie said, coaxing Buck’s head upward with a feather-light touch to his chin. 

Buck tried to avoid eye contact by going against the grain of Eddie’s touch. He couldn’t breakdown, not now. He'd almost made it to the end of their.. conversation? Whatever. At this moment, he wished for nothing more than for the ground to swallow him whole and return him to real life in 14 to 17 business days. He couldn't tell Eddie how he felt now. Not when Eddie was finally happy. 

He couldn't make something about him. Again. 

He couldn't be a bad friend to another person within two hours. 

So why did Buck blow up his spot? Beats him. 

“I like you, Eddie,” Buck confessed. “But, that doesn't matter now. I missed my chance; you're with Ana. I won't take away your happiness. I can't take away your happiness; not now, not ever.” 

Buck sighed and reluctantly stepped out from under the older man’s touch. “I should leave. I’ll see you at work tomorrow, Eds.” 

“Buck,” Eddie started gentle yet firm. “The only way you could take away my happiness is if you walked out, through that door.” 

“Huh?” was all Buck managed to say. 

“You bring me happiness, Buck. You are my happiness. Well, besides Chris, but that should go without saying.” Eddie rubbed his hands together and continued, “I like you too.” 

Buck chewed on his bottom lip, trying to think of what to say in reply to Eddie’s declaration. 

“How long have you felt this way? How come you didn't tell me, Eds?” he asked. 

“Longer than I’d like to admit. But I couldn't risk messing up everything just for feelings that could've been one-sided.” 

“And that’s why you went out with Ana?” Buck questioned. 

“Partially. I needed to start my journey to real happiness. Then Ana conveniently reappeared, so I thought, why not y’know?” 

Eddie continued before Buck could respond. “Ana isn't you, Buck. That's what I'm getting at. She's sweet, funny, and intelligent, but she's not you. She doesn't hold a candle to all that you are.” 

Buck began to chuckle, which soon turned into a full-on fit of giggles. Once he was done with his laughter and caught his breath, he spoke once more. “We’re a pair of idiots, aren't we?”

“That we are," Eddie said. His eyes crinkled as a genuine grin graced his face. "Though I must say, there's no one I’d rather be an idiot with besides you.” 

They wanted to kiss. Boy, did they want to kiss. However, the men also knew Eddie had to break things off with Ana first. It was just the right thing to do. But in the meantime, they could hold one another in the soft glow of Eddie’s kitchen and exchange words so sweet you'd think they had been dipped in honey. They would be together soon. 

Oh so soon. 

[extasiswings]

First off all, thank you so much for your post about Eddie and Shannon, i feel like some people in this fandom really need to take a long hard look at themselves and think about why they are so adamant to diminish Eddie’s feelings for his own damn wife.

Also, “Eddie struggles deeply with comphet and internalized notions about what it means to be a man, including heteronormative concepts of family” and “Eddie genuinely and truly loved and was sexually attracted to his wife of almost a decade” are statements that can and do co-exist “ - YES! This! I would even go as far as to argue that Eddie’s aforementioned struggles might have actually played a part in why his relationship with Shannon didn’t work out, ended as bitterly as it did- there’s Eddie’s “desire” to meet that heteronormative standard, to build their family up again, and then there’s the cold hard fact that their relationship never quite worked under such circumstances, that all the love they had for each other wasn’t enough to make it work. That Shannon doesn’t want to, or isn’t capable to make that effort needed to maintain that standard.

Idk, that might just be me, but i can’t help but wonder how this might have ended had they both tried to come at this a bit differently. Had they accepted that they can’t keep up that facade of a picture perfect family, but that there are other ways to live your life.

(Does that make any sense? It’s getting late over here, my brain is fried)

No EXACTLY. One of the things that is so interesting about the different layers to 2x17 is Eddie's conversation with Bobby and his acknowledgement that they were young and in love when they got married but that they weren't necessarily ready for marriage and got married because she got pregnant. And it's implied in S2, but made much more clear in Eddie Begins, that the actual getting married and starting a family piece of things really messed Eddie up in terms of his own internalized shit about masculinity and what it means to be a husband and a father. Basically, from a combination of what's explicit in canon and what can be gleaned from context clues, they were happy and in love, she got pregnant, they got married, and he immediately trapped himself in a teeny tiny box of rigid expectations and gender roles and enlisted (which, see also any of the MANY conversations I've had about the connection between that and his race/class/family background) and things went south for them from there.

Love ISN'T enough! We don't have exact ages for them when they got married, but Eddie does say they were "kids" so I usually default to him/them being around 20/21 and no matter how much you love each other, marriage is work! Parenting is work! And neither of them were able to communicate effectively about any of the challenges they were facing (probably because being as young as they were and this likely being one of if not the first serious relationship for either of them, they had never had to navigate super serious relationship conflicts with life-changing impacts)! Which means that I don't think either of them knew how to communicate effectively or truly understood what the other person needed or where they were coming from. Shannon criticized Eddie for making decisions about what he thought was best and not being there seemingly without trying to understand why he was stuck in that mindset; meanwhile, Eddie was so stuck that he couldn't accept/understand/see that what she needed wasn't for him to be the best provider in the world, but to just be there for her physically and emotionally/to simply be her partner. And all of that frustration and bitterness and hurt feelings and miscommunication just built up for years until he was finally home again and yeah, in the grip of a pretty serious mental health struggle, and I think she probably didn't even notice the difference between Eddie saying "I need time [to think about moving to a different state]" because he was in crisis and Eddie making other decisions earlier in their marriage without talking to her about them because he thought he was right.

[I mean, I still think it's pretty unforgivable to walk out on your marriage and your child and not even call for several years because of issues that, at least at the time, were, in my opinion, still very much fixable, so this should not be taken as a defense of that.]

But, yes, Eddie trying to put himself in a box and stick to very rigid ideas about who he is or should be as a man, as a husband, as a father, has never done anything but hurt him. Eddie Begins was a perfect encapsulation of his journey into true fatherhood: it was all about him learning to step out of the box, committing to being present, rejecting the examples of how to parent that he learned from his own. And now, he is an amazing father. Had Shannon not asked for a divorce and then died, it's entirely possible that through his process of forgiveness and recommitting himself to his marriage, he could have been a much better husband the second time around, but we'll never really know (although IMO she did not seem to be making the same kind of effort that she was demanding from him, so they were probably still doomed regardless). What we do know is that he absolutely IS capable of being an incredible partner...as long as he's not trying to force anything (because, again, he gets himself in trouble when he falls back into that zone of "rigid constructions of masculinity and heteronormativity", see how he is with Buck vs. Ana).

Anyway...something something heteronormativity is a prison, something something if you're stifling pieces of yourself you're never going to be truly free and happy and fully able to have the kinds of relationships you want to have, something something Eddie please go to therapy I'm begging.

[lopithecusfanfiction]

Are We All We Are?

Author: Lopithecus Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz Rating: Teen+ Word Count: 2448 Alternate: AO3 Summary: Eddie has never actually found anyone as "hot" or "sexy." In fact, he doesn't even really understand what those terms, when directed towards another human being, mean. He knows there is something wrong with him because of this. So, when Buck starts to catch on, he might or might not panic just a little.

Thankfully, Buck knows what the hell is going on and not only helps Eddie in his self-discovery, but also reassures Eddie that he accepts him no matter what. Warnings:

Asexual Character

Asexual Eddie

Ace Eddie

Introspection

Some thoughts on sexual attraction, sex, and Eddie's past and current relationship

Written by an asexual writer (I think that's important to note)

Established Relationship

Self-Discovery

Author's Note: So, I’m asexual, I’ve already written a fic that implied demisexual Eddie, and then I saw this gifset by @maysgrant (prev. asgardiun) that was requested by @judsonryder​ (so I’m going to tag you too), and so the next logical step was to write a fic with asexual Eddie! Also, I felt this fitting considering it’s Pride Month! I hope you all enjoy! (Title from Pink)

Eddie thinks Buck is handsome. He thought Shannon was pretty. He loved Shannon, or at least he did at some point. He loves Buck more than he can ever properly express. He wants to do a lot of things with Buck just like he made a family, or tried to make a family, with Shannon. He wants to get it right with Buck when he couldn’t with Shannon. Whatever went wrong in his relationship with Shannon, he doesn’t want that to happen with Buck. So he tries harder.

But like with Shannon there still seems to be something missing in his relationship with Buck. It’s not that he’s not happy, he is. Eddie is happier than he has in a long time. They cuddle on the couch and watch movies with Christopher snuggled in a ball of blankets on the floor, half passed out from the long day he’s had. He and Buck will snuggle up in bed and hold each other, and Buck will make Eddie feel safe just like he hopes he makes Buck feel the same. They go on dates and always have each other’s back when out on a call.

It’s everything that didn’t happen with him and Shannon.

Still, he knows it’s weird that he never thinks about Buck in a sexual way or that it’s almost always Buck who suggests they have sex. He knows there’s something wrong when his focus is entirely on Buck’s pleasure, which he enjoys, but would rather have Buck not touch him. Or, when he is feeling aroused due to physical stimulation — never sexual thoughts, even when he forces himself to try and think of Buck that way but only ends up confused as to why he has no interest in those thoughts — he’s not really into it and he just wants to get his own pleasure done and over with so they can move onto the snuggling part. Eddie knows there is something wrong with him when he can’t confidently say his boyfriend is looking hot or, the worse one of them all, sexy .

He knows this.

He knew this when it happened with Shannon.

He knew this when even after Shannon left him, he never slept with another person until Shannon came back.

And he still knows this even when he’s now dating Buck.

Eddie has always had a complicated relationship with sex. It makes him feel good but he is never really into it. He used to have sex with Shannon because he thought that’s what you were supposed to do. He was her boyfriend and then fiance and then husband. Sex just came with the role, how you made a family, and the glue that kept everything together, even in a relationship that was clearly falling apart. Plus, he’s a man, and men are supposed to be all about sex.

Except Eddie isn’t.

He’s always felt like sex was some kind of chore that he had to do in a relationship, that it was the human way of showing someone that you love them.

It’s expected.

Especially since, in Eddie’s case, he’s not exactly that great with words. It’s difficult for him to tell someone, “I love you” so he usually resorts to what he knows best in showing affection.

Sex.

He makes sure that Buck feels good, peppers him in kisses, and snuggles and moves his hands around his body sensually. Buck is his priority in this situation and Buck likes the build-up. Eddie couldn’t care less what he gets out of it and sometimes even prefers not getting anything out of it. Sometimes, it’s even difficult to get aroused by the whole thing in first place and he knows that his tired excuse will only go so far and for so long.

When it comes to the actual sex, it gets a bit more tricky. He goes through the motions, replaying what he knows Buck likes, never changing it up and Buck makes sure he feels good too when Eddie can actually manage to get through it. Only, when it always does happen, it almost always feels a little lackluster for Eddie.

So he fakes it.

He fakes the withering, the moaning, the enjoyment of sucking Buck off even though he really doesn’t like it and could do without it. But Buck likes it and Buck likes the noises he makes when it’s Buck’s turn to make him feel good. And when it’s finally time for him to reach the climax, he fakes that too.

Sure, he feels the pleasure from it but it’s never spectacular and nothing he thinks he would get addicted to. It was the same with Shannon. He enjoyed making her get off, watching her enjoying herself, more than him enjoying it and with Buck, he’s the same. He loves seeing Buck pant and hear him say his name and cry into his fist when he finally reaches that peak.

It’s a little fascinating and he sometimes finds himself wondering how it must feel. But at the same time, he can’t be bothered to care much.

If Eddie is completely honest with himself, he could live without sex in a relationship. He’d much rather have the cuddles, or the dates, or snuggling up under the warm covers. He doesn’t see the need to have sex so often if ever at all. But he’ll never admit that out loud because that means something is wrong with him.

That he’s broken somehow.

That’s why, when Buck abruptly stops kissing his neck and pulls his hands from out from under Eddie’s shirt, he panics a little. Buck is looking at him strangely and Eddie’s heart starts to beat fast in his chest. He doesn’t know what he’s done wrong. Mentally going over everything he’s done up to this point, he tries to pinpoint the moment Buck realized that something was damaged inside Eddie.

“You don’t want this, do you?” Buck sits up, sitting on his calves.

“What?” Eddie sits up too, trying to desperately repair this. Sex was supposed to be what kept the relationship alive. He can’t lose it just because he’s a little broken. “Of course, I do.”

“Eddie, you’ve never really been into this.”

“No!”

Buck sighs and stands, pulling his shirt back on and Eddie doesn’t know what to do. Shannon always went with it, even if she had her doubts about Eddie’s own enjoyment. “I want you to be honest with me, Eddie.”

Eddie panics, stands as well, and follows Buck out into the living room. He doesn’t want to lose Buck, this relationship. “I am.”

“Okay,” Buck turns to him, throws his hands out. “Are you attracted to me?”

“Yes,” Eddie says because he is. Buck is handsome and adorable and he loves him so much his heart might break.

Buck is shaking his head. “I’m not talking about if I look good to you. I’m talking about whether or not you think I’m hot, sexy.”

Eddie draws a blank. He’s never really understood those terms. He doesn’t know what hot and sexy mean, has never really related to them. They make him uncomfortable and he knows they are supposed to pertain to sex but he just doesn’t get it. “Y-yes,” he lies because he doesn’t know what else to do.

Buck’s lips thin and Eddie knows Buck knows he just lied to him. “Do you want to be in a relationship with me?”

“Yes,” Eddie says firmly, more confidently because he does. He loves Buck. He loves him with everything he’s got.

“Do you want to have sex with me?”

Eddie hesitates, swallows. “Yes?” He really didn’t mean for that to come out as a question. Buck sighs again, slumping. “Why does it matter? You want to have sex with me so we have sex.”

“Eddie…” another heavy sigh. “I want both of us to enjoy it.”

“I do.”

“No, you don’t.” Eddie looks to the floor, feeling shame pushing on his chest. This is the part where Buck will tell Eddie just how broken and messed up he is and how he needs to get himself fixed. “Did you think I wouldn’t be able to tell? At first, I thought it was because you’ve never been with a man before but you should be used to it by now, Eddie.”

“No,” Eddie says quickly, looking back up at Buck who is looking nothing short of hurt. “No, it was the same with Shannon.”

“Oh.” Buck’s tone changes completely as if something has just occurred to him. As if Eddie’s frantic and desperate declaration of how shattered his relationship with Shannon was because of him made Buck come to a realization. “So, you’ve never really been interested in sex? Or really been sexually attracted to someone?”

Eddie shuffles on his feet, looking to the floor again. He shrugs. “I…” He peers at Buck again, “You’re good looking, you are and I can see that, but I… I’m not sure what it feels like to want to jump into bed with a person just because they’re handsome or pretty.”

“But not sexy or hot?”

“I don’t even understand what those mean,” Eddie says, frustrated. “What is hot and what is sexy? I know it has to do with wanting to have sex with someone but… I just don’t… get it.” This time Eddie sighs. “I’m sorry. I know there’s something wrong with me to make me like this but-”

“No, Eddie.” Buck walks up to him, grabs his hands, and squeezes them reassuringly. “There is nothing wrong with you.”

“Buck, I’m not attracted to my boyfriend in a sexual way. There’s definitely something wrong with me.”

Buck chuckles and guides them down onto the couch. He never lets go of Eddie’s hands. “Eddie, have you ever heard of Asexuality?”

“No.”

“I thought so. Here.” Buck pulls over Eddie’s laptop that had been sitting on the coffee table, turns it on, pulls up the web browser, and types in Asexual into the search engine. He then hands it over to Eddie. “Read up on it while I go get supper started.” Getting up, Buck leaves him to it.

Eddie does read up on it, clicking on multiple links and reading so many articles his head hurts. He finds a forum and reads about other people’s experiences, and maybe some of it does seem to relate to him. Or, really, a lot of it relates to him. Acknowledging that doesn’t necessarily lift the weight off his chest, he probably has a ways to go before he can completely accept this part of himself, but it’s a start. So he bookmarks a couple of websites and the forum after making an account — not that he would ever actually talk on it but some people have hidden their stories from people not logged in and Eddie is in deep now.

“So?” Buck comes to sit down next to him on the couch. He sits close, slightly angled in Eddie’s direction, and their knees touch. “What do you think?”

Eddie shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“I’m not trying to push some label onto you Eddie, but I do want you to be comfortable with yourself and understand yourself and maybe someday, accept yourself,” Buck gives him an encouraging smile. “And, Eddie, asexual or not, if you don’t want to have sex with me anymore, I’m fine with that.”

Eddie huffs. “Really?” Buck tilts his head in question. “I’m not saying I don’t want to have sex with you but depending on how long this relationship lasts, that could mean months, years, longer… You sure you could do that?”

Buck holds up a finger. “First off, our relationship is going to last for the rest of our lives.”

“Careful what you say. Our lives could be very short in our line of work.”

“Don’t even say that,” Buck chastises and Eddie shuts up. “Secondly, I do have two very capable hands and it gives me an excuse to visit a sex shop and do some shopping.” Eddie scowls in disgust and Buck chuckles at his reaction. “No, but seriously, Eddie, I want you to be comfortable and if that means no sex, then we don’t have sex.”

Eddie contemplates it. It’s not like he’s sex-repulsed like some other people who are asexual have said — and he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with those people, now that he’s read up on the sexuality a bit more, but it’s not something he relates to.

Eddie shrugs again and glances at Buck, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. “Maybe we could have just… less of it?”

“Yeah,” Buck doesn’t even hesitate to agree to it. “But Eddie, just know, that if you ever just want to stop having sex in this relationship forever, then I’m okay with that. You’re not going to lose me over this. Masturbating can actually be quite fun and feel really good. After all,” Buck’s smile is wide and teasing. “No one knows what you like the most better than yourself.”

Eddie huffs a laugh. “Sorry, Buck, can’t really relate.”

“So you’ve never even masturbated before?” Buck sounds almost fascinated.

“I mean, I’ve tried but it’s always taken too much energy, too much effort, and the end results aren’t worth it,” he answers. Buck is looking unfazed by his words and he can’t even express how grateful he is of Buck’s reaction. “You know, when Shannon left, I didn’t sleep with anyone for two years before she came back. I thought I was just being loyal because I was still married to her.” He shakes his head. “Now I realize I just… didn’t have the interest.”

“You know that’s okay?” Buck has turned serious again. “There are millions of people out there that are also asexual, Eddie.” He shrugs. “If that’s what you decide you are.”

Eddie chuckles humorlessly. “And here I thought the only thing I had to stress about was liking other men.” Then, he looks at Buck hesitantly. “So you don’t mind that I’m not sexually attracted to you? That I don’t find you ‘sexy’ per se?”

“It really doesn’t, Eddie. I know you love me.” Buck reaches over, puts a hand on his knee. “You’ve got my support.”

Eddie puts his hand on Buck’s and intertwines their fingers. “You don’t know how much that means to me, Buck.”

“Eddie,” Buck scoots closer, pulls him in tight against his side and Eddie lays his head down on Buck’s shoulder. “I’ll always support and accept you. I’ve got your back, remember?”

Eddie smiles, turning his face into Buck’s neck to hide the redness that is appearing from being overwhelmed. “Thank you, Buck.”

———————————————————————————————————–

A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this! I rated it “T” because of the sex introspection. Also, I’m really loving the idea of ace Eddie! Although, I’m going to admit, despite being ace myself, I was a little nervous about writing this and possibly misrepresenting the ace community. Go figure!

I actually am sex-repulsed myself (at least when it comes to sex and my body) so I based Eddie’s thoughts about sex off things I’ve heard other sex indifferent aces say. His thoughts on the words “hot” and “sexy” are actually my thoughts. I really don’t understand what makes someone “hot” and “sexy.” It confuses me greatly.

Anyway! Thank you all for reading this! Let me know if you like the idea of asexual Eddie!