#something central to myself that i don't even do on purpose

[maddiescars]

God FUCKING dammit I give up.

[whumpshaped]

this has been sitting in my drafts unfinished for ages... it was supposed to be the first of my robot drabbles to go up but here we are. i hope i'll have spoons to write more for these guys... i'll post some picrews sometime for the cast and also make a masterlist and give the story a title

masterlist

content: robot whumperee (literally whumpee and whumper in one i don't know how to describe it any other way), sci-fi setting, implied systemic whump, morally dubious caretaker, living weapon

Szoren grabbed the closest rag and did a cursory wipe-off on his tools before turning towards his robot: the Self-Sufficient Riot Control Unit, the very first one they'd ever created. SSRCU-01. Zaps, as they'd affectionately nicknamed it. An absolutely magnificent piece of machinery, something Szoren and his colleagues had been working on for years before they managed to get it to function properly.

Well, as properly as they could at the time. If he didn't count the unfortunate shocking incident from the first week, and the even more unfortunate airlock incident from the second week, he could say Zaps was doing a fine job of only hurting those it was meant to be hurting.

Which, of course... Szoren didn't like that his poor baby was made for such a brutal purpose... But he couldn't change the reality of it, and he was just glad to see his creation performing well.

"So, what seems to be the problem?" he asked cheerily, adjusting his glasses as he looked over the custom murderbot.

"The central processing unit seems to be malfunctioning, sir," it said, monotone as ever. Szoren didn't mind. He wasn't good with emotions anyway.

"Malfunctioning? How? I'll run diagnostics, but you can talk to me in the meantime." He hooked up Zaps to the computer, hoping the 'malfunction' would be easy to spot and solve. At least it wasn't the motor functions this time — he really didn't need another injury.

"The reactions are delayed, sir. I hear the orders and I see the mistakes I'm meant to be fixing, but the body locks up before I can carry out the task. It almost allowed one of the workers to run away."

Szoren frowned. Zaps was entirely okay from the looks of it, or at least the computer didn't find anything wrong with it.

"I'll take a look myself. Maybe it's something to do with the joints and not the CPU."

"The joints are fine, sir," it said firmly.

"It can't hurt to check—"

"The joints are fine, sir."

Szoren felt a chill run down his spine. There was no discernible emotion in Zaps' voice; it wasn't capable of conveying human emotion. There shouldn't have been an intensity to its stare either... But for some reason Szoren felt like he couldn't push it. That wasn't a nice feeling when it came to something he himself had helped design and create.

"Zaps... I'm going to take a look at your joints now." He didn't want to do something without the robot's consent; but to be entirely fair, the robot not consenting wasn't something that had ever even crossed his mind. It was equipment. A tool. It didn't consent to being worked on any more than the screwdriver consented to being worked with.

For a long moment, Zaps didn't react. Then the light behind its visual sensors seemed to dim as it obediently popped open all cosmetic panels that were hiding major joint connections. "Yes, sir."

"Good robot," Szoren murmured, relieved. "You said they'd 'lock up'?"

"Yes, sir."

"It sounds like something that some oil should fix, but... Evidently, it's not. All of these joints are perfectly oiled."

"Yes, sir."

"And it only happens when carrying out orders? What if it's something like... Bad wiring, something triggered by the electrical impulse..."

"There are other malfunctions, sir," it interrupted, and Szoren looked up. "I'm unsure how to describe those. It is akin to a virus. Someone might have tampered with the programming."

"What's the malfunction?"

"Sometimes I get false orders to hurt my superiors, sir. While carrying out my regular tasks is difficult, these false orders are at times incredibly difficult to resist."

"What?" Szoren turned back towards the computer, frantically trying to find something in the code that could explain this. This was alarming. This was dangerous! Possibly lethal! If Zaps ended up hurting someone important, the whole tech department would be on trial; and not a favourable one. "What are these orders like? Are they like your regular orders? Maybe it's something about the target list, maybe... Maybe someone tampered with that."

"Sir?"

He barely glanced at the robot. "Yes?"

"What is the purpose I have been created to fulfil?"

Szoren stopped. "You know your purpose."

"To punish workers who fail to comply with the rules set out for them by the Seventh Earth Council." At least it remembered that line. Szoren had drilled it into its head before anything else. "But is that..." It... trailed off? It had never done that before. Robots didn't trail off.

"Is that?" he prompted, more and more concerned.

"Is that all I've been created for?"

Szoren inhaled sharply. That was a loaded question, and one he didn't really want to answer yes to. It was the truth, though; Zaps had been created to punish and execute.

"Yes," he breathed, acutely aware that if the robot disliked his answer, it could very well turn its weaponry against him. It shouldn't be able to, but clearly, it was doing a lot of things and having a lot of thoughts it shouldn't have been able to.

It stared at him for a long, tense moment. "Understood, sir," it said eventually. Szoren exhaled.

"I'm going to switch you off and ask Kiki for some help in fixing you. How's that?" He tried to go back to his cheery attitude from before, but his voice came out strained and a little scared. Zaps didn't seem to mind.

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

~

tags: @whumpsday

[nanomooselet]

Wraith I

It's a common fan theory that the Eye of Michael's members are hybrids of human and Plant. It's interesting to read about, and I encourage its exploration.

However, I confess that I don't subscribe to it myself. Because I've got my own, even crazier theory.

Knives, I think, does not want humans and Plants swapping body parts. Knives is violently possessive, hates humans, and cares, first and foremost, about empowering himself enough that he no longer feels afraid. If he has a second priority it's keeping his loved ones close - but personally I believe that folds into the first, because he tries to do that by making them more like himself.

He doesn't do that by giving away what belongs to him, because that's not what he does. It's what he's afraid of. The closest I've ever seen him come was grafting Vash's amputated arm onto Legato in the first anime adaptation, and that speaks more to... something. I don't know. (If you have any idea what Knives thinks he's doing with Legato, you are way ahead of me.) Regardless it was Vash's arm, not his own. If anything, Knives was reclaiming what was his and putting it to a better purpose. He didn't have it removed from himself.

Connections like this?

I suspect they're misdirection. I don't think the special abilities these individuals display have anything to do with Tesla. I don't believe Knives has any intention of letting anyone else touch her. They're more like echoes, motifs, reminders - but for us, not for Knives.

And if you like, I have proof. Click to embiggen.

1) Leftmost image, Tesla's eye is still part of Knives (at least if you trust the advertising material - and it's a subtle enough nod that I do, since it delights my black little heart). He didn't pull out an eyeball and hand it over to plug into Elendira. She's simply cloned from his cells, a bit like a dependent Plant. 2) Central image, Vash's sliced-off arm was consumed by the out-of-control Gate, and Tesla's amputated left arm looks too small and ravaged to have been grafted to Legato. 3) Rightmost image, Wolfwood was simply 'lucky' enough to be born compatible with the drugs used by the Eye of Michael. They just had to prime their syringes and get jabbing. At most the chemicals used may have been Plant-derived. Insert dirty joke about being receptive to Plant fluid exchange here, if so inclined.

I do believe Tesla has a presence and trajectory of her own through the story, though. Just not as a body, which has been fully integrated into Knives.

I think she's a spirit. Knives genuinely believes he's doing what his sister wants of him. He is the son of his father, and Tesla is his holy ghost. She grants him power. At least... as long as she's with him.

Because Tesla, in Stampede, is specifically listed as being alive when the twins stumble across her and Vash accidentally removes her from cryogenic suspension. Then Knives, controlling the memory, skips over something... but rather than focus on that, I'd like to draw attention to the colour she was giving off.

I'll point to this post about the way Plants speak and this post about significant colours and this one about Tesla and how she's represented. It's a lot of reading, but if you don't like my yammering about Trigun Stampede I genuinely have no clue why you came even this far (and please, do tell. I'm curious).

Tesla isn't giving off blood red light, like Plants who've lost use of their Gates. It's pink, like the ones reacting to an incompatible environment. I think that means only is she still alive, she can still access her Gate. So she can still communicate. And I suspect, like Vash, she can receive communication from other Plants. She's horribly wounded and sick, but she can still take action. She still has power.

In Trigun Stampede, Tesla has agency.

So. That means she can make a choice.

Part II

Part III TBA

* I'm starting to become morbidly curious about what it takes to truly kill an Independent Plant. Vash, as always, looks like he lost a wrestling match with a combine harvester, Tesla's still alive, and Knives took several seconds of planet-busting Angel Arm discharge to the face, melted off his flesh and almost certainly survived, for a given value of "survived". He's right about one thing: humans have reason to fear Independents.

I'm also starting to have some queasy suspicions about how Orange intends to get him back in the game, but that's for another day.

[gffa]

The thing I really miss about Star Wars novels is exemplified by being two-thirds of the way through Inquisitor: Rise of the Red Blade and how I think I'm legitimately enjoying it, but in a very specific way, and I think there's actually a ton you could dig into the structure and bias of the narrator that I think is done on purpose and that I can find sympathy for a character actively falling to the dark side and what she's going through without validating the people she's demonizing in her head because I've been there, I have had my brain lying to me all my life, telling me things I know aren't true, making me believe them despite all evidence otherwise, and do you guys KNOW how much I love hot messes of a disaster lady? I fucking love a woman who is just an awful mess and doesn't have to actually be perfect or nice and maybe just once or twice says a kind of catty thing, NO, SHE IS A WHOLE ASS MESS and I LOVE HER!! But also I'm kind of in the position of how I'm tired of getting stories of characters falling to the dark side being the vast majority of what stories explore with the Jedi, I enjoy them, but not when that's all there is, and I have spent YEARS AND YEARS going back and forth with the discussions about the Jedi and I am so tired of it, I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE. I just want to write my commentary and thoughts down in the vein that I have them and have that be it. I want to say, "This is a really glorious unreliable narrator here, because everything she says is contradicted by what the Jedi actually say/do, and she is explicitly a character designed with neurodivergent/mental health issues aspects in mind and you can't divorce that from her character." and like I don't even want to discuss with other Jedi fans about what the author may or may not have said (I read one interview from her at the beginning, enjoyed it fine, and AM NOT INTERESTED in knowing or hearing anything further) or how annoying it is to have a book like this, I JUST WANT TO DIG INTO A STORY and not have to worry about bracing myself for combat. (And also the thorny issue of how this isn't precisely a recommendation because I'm not sure others would enjoy it, like even if you agreed with me, I'm not sure it'd be something in your wheelhouse, but I don't want to even get into that, it feels exhausting, like, just I want to talk about how I'm enjoying it, but not have to articulate why I think others possibly wouldn't, just leave it at "nah, I don't think you'd enjoy it".) I know this is some IRL stuff spilling over onto my reading of this book and I'm aware of the state of a lot of creators in SW right now hold opinions that have made me stop reading their works because I am no longer interested in anything they have to contribute, but also like. Sometimes I just want to enjoy a book on my own terms and not have to feel like I'm arguing a case, but instead reveling in the glorious hot mess of a central female character that maybe I relate to and have sympathy for even while recognizing that she is painting a very unreliable portrait within the book, because I Have Been There. Idk, I'm not saying this very well, and a lot of it is outside factors, but I have this giant tangled ball of "I just want to enjoy something for once, not examine why it might actually be doing my Blorbos all wrong", like aren't we supposed to be in fandom for the enjoyment of things, not to constantly argue with people? /tired and hasn't been sleeping well and has been thinking about this instead of wrenching irl stuff

[wen-kexing-apologist]

So, I started writing a completely different post about the Heart confrontation scene and was gonna start it with "[Episode 5] was just so well done and they laid everything out on a platter for me to digest that I don't really feel the need to wax poetic about colors in this episode" but uhhhh, haha oops, I played myself. I was looking back through part 4/4 to talk about Heart's confrontation scene, and uh...

IT'S COLOR TIME.

Fuck you @respectthepetty! you created this monster.

So we already have Wen = Blue and Jim = Red but I've given the internet too many analyses about Wen and Jim and because once again the side couple strikes, all I care about is supporting this precious first love between Li Ming and Heart so that's what I'm gonna write.

Like father-figure uncle like nephew, Li Ming is red, and his love interest, Heart is blue. But because Wen and Jim are also red and blue I think there needs to be something else tying Li Ming and Heart together visually and that is stripes. (shhh, yes, I know Wen had a shirt with stripes on in it episode 4 but that served a very specific purpose of being red/blue color coded for the purposes of being caught between Alan and Jim) THIS however:

stripes.

stripes.

stripes.

stripes

stripes

stripes

STRIPESSSSSSS

Is exclusively a dedicated HeartLiMing motif.

And stripes makes sense as the connecting factor between the two of them. The plot line for Heart and Li Ming centers so much around how trapped they both feel in their respective lives. Li Ming trapped by poverty, Heart trapped at home. Li Ming trapped on the cusp of adulthood and independence, having a difficult time being understood by his uncle (despite Jim's best efforts), Heart trapped in his own body and mind, because his parents refuse to learn how to understand him. Their plot is about being teenagers, teenagers testing boundaries, breaking boundaries, rebelling against the authority they have known their whole lives in order to better understand who they are as people. In order to be able to make their own mistakes and start learning how to navigate the world without a "true adult" there to make decisions for them. It's about breaking free of the barriers your family has always placed around you to keep you safe.

Horizontal stripes of course, also make me think a bit about paper, and writing is a crucial, vital, and important part of how Heart and Li Ming started getting to know each other. If you want to get even more abstract about it, lines in relation to Heart and Li Ming make me think of hands, of fingers (the vertical lines especially) in reference to sign language and its importance in allowing these two to communicate and understand one another.

Okay I said it was color time, I lied again, sorry, it actually was stripe time.

NOW IT'S COLOR TIME.

We've seen a lot in this show, in my opinion, with blue lighting around the Red Rascals, both Jim and Li Ming. Especially Li Ming because all of his interactions with Heart until the middle of Episode 4 have been immersed completely in Heart's home.

and what I love about blue lighting is that it makes red pop so Li Ming is still the most central and eye catching presence on the screen, despite the fact that he is bathed in blue. Despite the fact that he is in Heart's room, in Heart's house, he is the center of attention for viewers in this moment, but also for Heart as a whole.

And even in Ep. 4 once they finally leave Heart's home, Li Ming is still constantly covered in blue because he is doing all of this for Heart.

And when they go to the church where Heart is introduced to other Deaf people for the first time, Li Ming is still immersed in blue because, once again, he is in Hearts's world. The world that Heart should have always had access to from the minute that he became deaf. The world he's been deprived of by his parents for three years.

Also notice, by nature of Li Ming wearing a red shirt in these scenes that the white and amber lights that act as the secondary wash in these scenes casts far more red tinted light on to Li Ming than it does to Heart. For the majority of episode 4, Heart's lighting pallet is blue or white, blue or amber. Li Ming's has a bit more red to his. AND AND AND AND it speaks to the talent of the lighting designers and directors and just general film crew in this show that they are able to use so much blue in this show and have it signify so many different things. Alan's blue lighting is colder than Wen's, Heart's blue lighting is colder at home than it is when he is outside. It's more of a blue green outside because they are mixing it with more reds/oranges and less white, you can even see it in these screen caps how much bluer and colder the first picture in Heart's room (and even when they are in his driveway) looks compared to the pictures outside where they are also lit with warm tones.

We know already that Heart cares about Li Ming, because he is his friend, because he finally has a life line, because he finally has someone to talk to, who treats him like a normal fucking human being, and trusts him, and and and...and we know that Heart is attracted to Li Ming because we got that scene where Heart pretty obviously checks out and is flustered by Li Ming without his shirt on. But I don't know if Heart fully has a crush on Li Ming at either of those points. And my argument for that is the lighting, because until Heart is standing in front of the speaker at the church with Li Ming, we don't see Heart in any objectively warm light.

I think this is the moment that is supposed to indicate that Heart is fully leaning in to having a crush on Li Ming, because this is finally the moment where his face is warm not blue, not bright, not cold, and not in white light. And I'm asking you to compare this image with the ones above it, at the street vendor, the secondary light wash on Heart is not amber, it's white. The back lighting on Heart's neck in the picture of him and Li Ming talking to the Father at church is definitely warmer, but it is not as warm as the light on Li Ming's face. But at the speaker scene, he is fully bathed in warm light. But the warm light isn't red light either, it's not objectively or definitively Li Ming's color, though it is his emotions.

You know what is objectively, definitively red light?

This is.

And like yeah, we can talk about the red bag on Heart's side, or the fact that in this lighting the blue square of the American flag on Li Ming's sweater matches close enough to the blue in Heart's shirt. We could talk about getting on each other's level by swapping colors through their clothes or their accessories. But I don't want to do that this time, because I am a slut for lighting and this lighting this definitively red lighting on Heart's face is what this episode is about for me. I think this is the point Heart realizes that he is in love with Li Ming, and Heart is fully ready to accept Li Ming as part of his world. Probably the most important part of his world.

Anyway, off to go take a million more screen shots of the confrontation scene so I can shout expletives about Heart and Li Ming's reactions to everything going on in that scene. Talk about a side track of epic proportions.

[sunflowersunite]

Here for the character ask game! This is gonna be LONG, sorry i couldn't help myself 😭

2. Favourite canon thing about them?

Eren, Mikasa

3. Least favourite canon thing?

Eren, Mikasa, Levi

5. The first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

Hange

6. Something you have in common with them?

Eren, Hange

8. Something the fandom does to them but you despise

Eren, Hange, Levi

9. Could you be roommates with them?

Levi

10. Could you be best friends with them?

Mikasa, Hange, Levi, Eren

17. A ship about them that you're fine with and you don't hate?

Mikasa, Hange

20. The ideal best friend for them?

Hange, Levi

thank you for the looong ask @quillsandblades, it was so great thinking about these!! (plus you asked me all about my four faves!)

For the character ask game!

2. Favourite canon thing about them:

Eren: his damned determination. Eren fights for his dreams, he fights and he just doesn't know when to give up. This just doesn't exist in his vocabulary.

Mikasa: her strength, especially emotionally. That girl will live, she will keep moving forward even if she's lost it all. How she longs for peace and fights for it. How she loves, deeply and certainly.

3. Least favourite canon thing

(This question is the reason why it took me so long to answer this, especially for the Ackermans. I just couldn't find anything negative.)

Eren: he never?? addressed his feelings for Mikasa?? I'm not saying this as in "Eremika was badly written", no, it was beautifully written, but Eren just ran from his feelings because he's a damn idiot. He planned a free future but forgot to live in the present. Also how he straight up left in Season 4, it ruined me.

Mikasa: She and Eren didn't have a proper conversation in the Paths like he and Armin did (although there's a canonical and logical reason about that one). Also she killed Eren. That was Not Cool, Isayama.

Levi: His Ackerman ancestry wasn't acknowledged properly. No bonding moments with Mikasa. Not wondering what the Ackermans even are, what their purpose is. It was brushed off entirely. "Guess I'm an Ackerman now. Oh, shit, I'll have to do tons of paperwork to legally change my name."

5. First song that comes to mind when I think about Hange?

Bauklötze, forever and ever. It's her song now.

But besides that, Curses by the Crane Wives

There's a fire in my brain, and I'm burning up Oh my, oh my Keep running for the sink, but the well is dry Oh my, oh my Every word I say is kindling But the smoke clears when you're around Won't you stay with me, my darling When my walls start burning down, down, down?

before you kill me, no, it's not because of the fire rather than how overwhelming everything is.

("won't you stay with me, my darling/When this house don't feel like home")

How out of place she feels. But the melody is still cheerful because despite everything, she's still Hange Zoë.

6. Something I have in common with Eren and Hange

I dream big

I get excited and passionate

but my soul can feel heavy at times

8. Something the fandom does that I don't like

Mischaracterization throws me off big time in fanfiction. I don't finish if a central character is ooc. Examples I can think of right now are: Eren being depicted as a "bad boy". I don't mean "rough and a little rude", that's just Eren. I mean substances and lack of respect (towards women, especially Mikasa) etc.

For Hange, it throws me off if the ooc version of her is a damsel in distress and/or passive.

Now, specifically for Levi, I don't know if the fandom is still obsessed with him or if they've moved on. He is a great character, but the obsession was a little too much. I bet that Levi would consider himself overrated if he knew what was happening in the real world.

9. Could I be roommates with Levi?

Sure! I'm not that organised or tidy if I get used to living in a space, but I'm quiet and I respect boundaries. He'd tolerate me, I'd make him cards for his birthday, we'd watch movies together and comment on how much the script sucked. I'd help when he'd be too constipated to communicate things like feelings with Hange. She'd be my friend, I'd invite her over and Levi would be jealous of how well she and I are getting along.

10. Could I be best friends with them?

Mikasa: not best friends, but if we clicked, we'd make a great duo. We'd hang out in silence. Whenever we talked, it would be about something deep and we'd be satisfied until our next discussion.

Hange: yes! I'd tag along in her experiments, she'd read my stories. She'd inspire me to study and learn more, and have fun with it. Who wouldn't want a friend like Hange?

Levi: I don't think so. But his heart is in the right place, so we'd hang out and drink tea together and communicate in a civilized environment (?) about recent findings. Plus in the aot extended universe we've established that we're roommates, so we get along just fine.

Eren: possibly! I'd have to run behind him and therefore we might argue a lot, but I care about that idiot so I don't mind. We'd be thick as thieves. And unlike his current best friends, I'd make sure he addressed his feelings properly.

17. A ship I'm fine with and I don't hate-- Mikasa and Hange

I did not expect that question, but let me tell you, I had so much fun. Because I get to share a dumb crack headcanon of mine.

Of course my favourites are Eremika and Levihan and I wouldn't care about the ships at all if Mikasa and Hange were with other people. But hear me out:

Mikasa x Reiner. That would be hilarious if it was confirmed post canon, so much that I wouldn't even be mad. I even headcanon it jokingly. In all seriousness, Mikasa died single. But in none at all seriousness, imagine her with Reiner, who is canonically terrified of her. Imagine if they got married post canon for the tax benefits or whatever and they're basically only roommates. Reiner gets scared out of his mind every morning when he sees Mikasa because she's the focal point of his PTSD.

For Hange, Zekehan, since we're talking hilarious ships. As I've mentioned in my study on Zeke's role in Levihan, it intrigues me how a character who's not remotely interested in romance is portrayed in some fanfiction to be interested in Hange (and how under different circumstances he totally would have a crush on her, hands down). I don't like it but I don't hate it either.

20. The ideal best friend for Hange and Levi?

Each other, all the way. They're meant to be together in every way possible, significant other, best friend, co-captain. They're so different yet they manage to fit together so well and they communicate wordlessly because they know the other one's soul. It could never have been someone else. In every universe they find each other, and in every universe, they're best friends.

(you should know about that 😄)

Thank you again swordslinger! 😉

[flieslikeamoron]

I know it's like "okay grandma" whenever I get nostalgic for LJ fandom. But since I'm working on a fic I started in the comments of someone's LJ, I've been thinking about how much I miss comment fic. I don't think any other platform has been able to replicate the LJ style comment fic fest or kink meme. Because you need nested comment threads to do it. And the community too, of course. We were more centralized then. I know people still have prompt fests and things, but there was just something about that comment space that really felt like a play space to me. It was so easy to share ideas and little bits of writing with each other in this casual way. And you didn't need to know the person who left the prompt, or to put your name on a fill if you didn't want to. It was just a free for all community playtime.

For me personally, it was also a great way to short-circuit the avoidance/anxiety stuff that makes writing so fraught for me. Because prompts are like puzzles. Hey, brain! We love puzzles! And look, you can write whatever. It's not a book or a real fic. It's not even a post, it's just a comment! Just start writing, you don't need to know where this is going! It's comment fic. It doesn't have to have a middle or an end. We're just playing. It's fun! And people would egg you on and leave you comments on your comment fic. And your brain would be like... Oh, it IS fun! Here's more. I have more. And before you knew it, you'd be like... Hey look, brain! I tricked you into writing 8K words! You're writing a whole fic! It's a real story! And now you have to figure out the middle and the end and all the real story things. Now comes the hard part and the slogging. But guess what, you're in too deep to back out now!

Inevitably I would write 15-20K fics pretty much every time I wrote comment fic. And I don't think trojan horsing yourself into writing 15K fics is necessarily the intended purpose of comment fic. Many people, some would say most, were able to write comment fic in a couple comments in a self-contained way. And there is something beautiful about how much can be fit into the bite size of a comment. But I do miss having that low pressure way to launch myself at an idea in a space that really felt like playtime.

[quaranmine]

How do you go about writing mysteries? Like how your firewatch one has its slow drip of discoveries and backstories and stuff. I keep getting totally lost, cuz I already know my endings, and keep forgetting the audience doesnt and shouldnt know the same. Mysteries are fun. They are also the hardest thing ive ever tried to write.

Honestly, mysteries are SO hard. I don't really know how to write them well either. And your ask honestly surprised me some, because up until this point I have never really considered my AU to succeed as a mystery. There is some legitimate mystery in the story (as to where Mumbo is) but, as it becomes clear in chapter 10 I think, most of the things about the Forest Service, Grian's conspiratorial thinking, and finding someone to blame are just set dressing. Or, to give myself more credit, more character study than reality. Something I've had written in the outline since day one is "Is this a mystery, or is Grian just convinced it's a mystery?" Half of the mystery in the story is finding out what actually happened, and half of the mystery is actually just a character study on Grian's grief and thought processes.

I going to put the rest under a cut, it gets kind of long. I can probably talk about my AU forever honestly. And if anyone reading this isn't caught up to at least chapter 10 this will spoil things:

But anyway. I think the best advice I have is to work backwards. You say you already know your ending so it seems like you're doing that already. I knew from the moment I started working on the story how it was going to end, so working backwards from that is a matter of arranging things to be in the places you want them. Having a complete outline also helps because that's what helped me create that "slow drip of discoveries and backstories" because I wanted to reveal things at a relatively steady pace. As for forgetting that your audience doesn't know things...idk I just try to focus super hard on what has/hasn't been revealed and where everybody's povs are. I think that just becomes a learned thing. I don't just know more than the audience, I know more than all the characters too, and I have to make sure they all operate on exactly what they currently know. I think rereading your already-done work as you go helps to refresh you on this.

Another hard thing about mysteries is like....trusting the audience to make connections. I think that I often overplay my hand and spell things out because I am inexperienced in knowing where to draw the line. For this AU, I didn't really intend it to have any big twist ending. I wanted the truth to be telegraphed as the audience uses their own logic to realize that Grian's POV is biased. And even though I haven't released chapter 11 and 12 yet, I....think I succeeded? Based on the difference in comments from chapter 1 to chapter 10, I think most of my readers are where I want them to be. But I didn't know that until I actually released the chapters. Anyway, I think the surprise is less about what the answer is and more about how it all goes down.

In terms of backstories, Firewatch AU has an almost parallel "before" section. There is never a "flashback" to before Mumbo disappeared. The first scene of the story is the ground zero and we never go before that. So the timeline of the story is always "contained" despite skipping around sometimes? Over the course of the fic I slowly introduce scenes that eventually lead us into exactly how Grian got here in the present-day plot. Pretty much all the "before" sections emphasize one way or another that Grian has been struggling.

I guess I can summarize my intentions with the chapters? There's a specific structure to them and their purpose (if I could help it.) Sometimes I feel like I have this story structured within an inch of its life, which is one reason that I have been able to post as I go without needing to make any retroactive changes to already done chapters.

Chapter one: establishes the central problem in the story, introduces the main characters to each other, and introduces Grian's goals. Honestly, I think this is a great first chapter since it introduces everything it needs to. It swaps time periods more than any other one but that is because I specifically modeled it to reflect the intro of the game Firewatch.

Chapter two: introduces fire as a major plot element, and serves as character development and relationship development between Scar and Grian. Also introduces more of Grian's grief, his thoughts about search and rescue, and specifically (vitally, to the plot) allows Scar see just a glimpse of what's happening with Grian that Grian isn't telling him.

Chapter three: mostly vital character development (especially for Scar) and relationship development; I've got to set them up as becoming friends before the big stuff kicks in. also, fire lookout knowledge!

Chapter four: first big clue (found by chance, not by Grian, which sort of emphasizes the idea of things being out of anyone's control that comes up in the narrative a lot.) Bigger spotlight on Grian's emotions (understatement of the year.) Scar gets officially looped into the Real Story. From this point on the plot progresses relatively regularly.

Chapter five: more character development, and another backstory hint about Scar. also, now that Scar is looped in, he gets to contribute information to the plot by bringing the newest clue (that builds off the information revealed in chapter four) (hey grian, it turns out when you communicate to people they can assist you)

Chapter six: this chapter is mostly a flashback section, which i wanted to avoid in chapters but IIRC it was simply too long to include with chapter five. This section with Pearl serves to emphasize a few different self-destructive tendencies Grian has (isolation, his living space, his financial situation, etc.) And finally, more information Scar gives him since he has contacts from working there so long. Also, from here on out Grian's conspiratorial thinking grows.

-> side note, one part of this story being a mystery that was difficult was that like. without internet research being available in the 80s, most "detective" actions would naturally involve talking to people, interviewing, looking at documents, etc. but since grian is Alone, in the middle of the Wilderness, he has none of that. it's, uh, difficult to introduce clues when the main character has little ability to find them. I had to sit down and be like, realistically HOW can he solve this without just wandering around in the woods endlessly? It's not a fun story if all he does is hike around the forest. In the game Firewatch, that sort of worked, but that's because you're controlling Henry. It doesn't translate well to reading. But with Grian entirely on his own, exploring the forest is the only "tool" he has. So Scar is a useful addition since he actually knows people to talk to that Grian doesn't and can move things forward by bringing more information to the table. But I have to proceed carefully to ensure he isn't just a deus ex machina for any hard parts of the plot. Scar talking to someone off-screen can't solve every problem in the story or else it's a bad story.

Chapter seven: some conflict/roadblocks introduced, because Scar cannot just endlessly poke around and find information without repercussions. also, the govt loooooves to make information available only to specific people. you can and will get slapped on the wrist if you consistently overstep the boundaries of your job. also, i need Grian to contribue his own piece to solving the mystery without Scar, so with his boots-on-the ground he finds the trail Mumbo took to get to from point A to point B. He gets a dangerous idea that will later escalate the plot closer to the climax, since we're officially in the second half of the story. There's a flashback that is purposefully the first part of the story so far to have someone outright state they think Mumbo is dead (and of course it's Jimmy.) Ends with more character development for Scar.

Chapter eight: WOOOO SCAR CHAPTER! but not before some egregiously obvious foreshadowing and a distinct reminder that this is a story about fire. i break from my deep character pov for the first time just to give the readers some scientific and historical background. we finally learn more about Scar, which should in theory retroactively piece together why he specifically wants to help Grian so much: because he sees his own experiences reflected in what Grian is living through now. also, since so much of this story is Grian isolating himself and pushing help away, it is vital for him to be shown someone else Does understand him

Chapter nine: beginning of the end pt 1 of 3. we re-center fire as a risk in the story again. grian commits a few crimes, because his main motivation this whole time has been information. and he simply can't get that information sitting in a tower by himself in the woods. he is desperate to find puzzle pieces to slot together so that everything makes sense. this is also the height of his conspiratorial thinking and there's a big disconnect between how he views other people, and their actual actions. I initially didn't want the story to "leave" its main setting, I wanted it to be a bottle. But that just didn't work in practice when plotting this out.

Chapter ten: beginning of the end pt 2 of 3, and we bring the flashback scenes full circle by including grian's decision to become a lookout in the same chapter we learns he gets fired. a somewhat anti-climactic reveal of there not being all that much conspirarcy to Mumbo's disappearance, in a way that hopefully is not disappointing since hopefully everyone reading realizes Why grian was convinced of this and Why he's wrong. woooo fire again! the return of the mystical bike location that was introduced early in the plot! grian finally being forced to reckon with things he's been avoiding thinking about all story! a fallout between our beloved main characters at the 11th hour!

Chapter eleven and twelve: ???? coming soon but you can guarantee they'll deal with the loose ends here since this story is standalone in its plot

So, idk if that type of analytical breakdown is useful to you. But you can kind of see how my plot was guided by the constraints on my narrative--a lot of my choices involved either needing different characters to help grian, or needing grian to go somewhere else. but i constantly wanted to make sure that it made sense for Scar to help Grian, that Scar never overstepped his place in the narrative by being "all-knowing", and that all of Grian's decisions are driven, even to the point of Problems, by his grief. Also, to kickstart the plot, I needed at least one major shake-up to happen (in this story, finding the bike) or else Grian probably would have been just as doomed as everyone else to look in the wrong places. Since it's more or less a cold case, a breakthrough needed to happen to move things forward. So I suppose what I needed was: first, to know the ending I needed to get to; second, to know where I was starting; and third, to provide at least one major clue to give the characters an opportunity to unravel the rest.

Also, this is less about mysteries and more about characterization, but when writing Grian I put Mumbo at the highest priority in all situations. This means he is willing to tank his financial situation, his jobs, his relationships with his friends, and even commit crimes for Mumbo. He consistently does not consider his own future when making decisions. He's reactive and more than willing to take things to the extreme, which I think makes him honestly more fun to write about. I think his Drive pushes the story even when there's just dialogue sitting in a fire tower. One thing I never wanted to do in this story was soften characters' emotions or actions into something "easier."

anyway, this is a story about trying to find logic in places where there is none, coping badly and learning to cope, accepting support from others, grief, and finding closure <333 thank you for your ask it was very sweet to be asked for advice and hopefully SOMETHING in this essay helps <333

[esther-dot]

I'm not speaking on anybody's life experiences, but the books do not necessarily reflect one's life experiences. I think it's perfectly okay to feel uncomfortable about how an incestuous Jonsa might be handled in the books if you have an adoptive brother... Esther, you might remember a while ago I sent an ask that Jon in the show looks like my brother (and Sansa herself like his HS girlfriend) and I absolutely cannot do show!Jonsa without feeling fucking weird lol... but equally I don't really think that's the shipper's fault at all. I feel uncomfortable with the depiction of sexual violence in the books and I understand part of the message and I understand the time it was written and I understand that the sexual violence in it barely compares to how much violent pornography many men consume now and are completely desensitised to, which is something GRRM is vehemently against, but it still rankles me. That's ok.

But like, the conflict of brother/cousin/uncle/father is central to Jon's future angst, and I do think it's probably true that the way people talk about adoptive families can be insensitive, but the conflation of this with the textual stakes is short-sighted. In-universe it is going to have consequences and how Jon chooses to handle that (and everybody else) is going to matter, because in that universe blood does mean something for good or ill. Yet whether Jon was Ned's flesh and blood doesn't change that he committed treason to protect him because he loved him and he loved his sister. Jonsa as a 'betrayal' of this protection is thematically interesting to me. I'm still a book-only shipper lol

I do remember that! I got several followup asks by other Jonsas wanting to know more, but I was worried it would make you even more uncomfortable so I never published those! 😂

I agree with you. I think it’s quite possible some of us have spoken carelessly on the issues anon mentioned, but we’re a worldwide fandom and I’d hope that everyone would be gracious and not assume intentional callousness around these sensitive topics when there are many explanations for why we view it and/or speak about it differently.

And, regardless of our modern sensibilities on these issues, Martin has a) chosen to make incest a major part of his story b) chosen to make the identity of Jon’s biological mother and father a series long mystery that will have repercussions personally and politically, just as you pointed out. None of us need to read the books if they’re too much, but if we’re engaging with the fandom, we’re gonna have to operate with what the writer has given us and accept some of his premises.

Jonsa as a 'betrayal' of this protection is thematically interesting to me.

It’s so good! When I’m considering future paths for the story to walk down and why, I often have to stop myself from typing, “for torturing Jon purposes” because that obviously fails to capture all the interesting conversations certain developments would allow Martin to have, but oh boy, is the poor kid gonna go through it.

[mostspecialgirl]

i dont think i can do “artist spaces” anymore because i’m really stupid. - ramble post with no point or central focus aside from making myself feel less weird

like…. i’m stupid. and i like it! But every artist i meet is like some kind of super genius and irs kind of nuts, everyone’s got such vision and intelligence and honed skill and all these interesting things about their lives and practice away from the arts and i’m some kind of inert orb who doesn't have much soul in her work aside from "isnt this cool like a animes" or "this is how im feeling". at least when it comes to Drawinf a Pitures.

i can deal with spaces where everyone’s just hanging out and Some People Happen to be Artists but spaces primarily composed of people steeped in the arts actually remind me that i'm a socially inept cavewoman who barely knows how to use the microwave. sufficiently talented artists ('sufficient' referring to people who have labelled themself an artist and have been online for more than 2 years) who i end up talking to online are 80% of the time some kind of Art Student Med Student Math Prodigy or Mentally Ill Genius Socially Inept Outsider Artist with insane Honed Unique Skill and when you apply that 80% to a whole lump of people in a GC or a Discord Server where the other 20% don't really talk there it gets real mentally exhausting as someone generally quite unimpressive and classically unskilled.

i dunno. I just kind of find it interesting that people with such talent, skill, wit, and (as ive repeated endlessly) intelligence are always drawn to the arts. a lot of my friends ive made who are very smart people ive learned 3 years into the friendship they used to do painting studies and are some kind of closet picasso while ive been showing them my meager collection of shale and sediment. is the pursuit of the artistic a mark of something deeper? what must one’s character lack to not seek creative self expression? what separates a creator from a consumer, and the blind from the perceptive? is creating art for the simple purpose of “cool and fun” shallow? does that answer change with ones talent? what is shallow art? is there truly such a thing?

cough

anyway. i’m just kind of a dumb baby, and it makes me sad that i never really feel like i can talk about art with most people because i don’t know anything. i’m not looking for construction or anything, i just want to be able to say “isn’t making something fun” without being reminded of my own inadequacies. i feel like art shouldn’t have to be this “smart” thing, and it isn’t, but art itself draws in the smart, and so like in many other spaces i feel a bit outcasted. obviously the solution here is to talk to MINORS from TIKTOK (gets cancelled)

but i really dunno. i feel stupid a lot these days and i feel like there aren’t any spaces that fit me, even when on paper these should be the spaces i should be in. even off the paper, anywhere i go i can’t help but feel like a bit of a bump on a log. like an erroneously flipped bit. i’m the stray ray from the sun beamed into the nintendo 64. that’s how i feel among other people, no matter who i’m with. it’s strange, because i really do like myself. i’ve passed a lot of the self deprecation and self doubt that used to chain me, and is it strange to say i believed casting those aside would help me find a bit more belonging among other people?

it hasn’t! life’s the same! maybe worse? i’m not self actualized or anything, but i think i’ve really grown as a person, so it’s sort of sucky that i fit better in place as a problem child. well i suppose as the Old Ones spoke, every group needs The Rick Friend. meeting people is hard. wanting to stay among people i’ve met is even harder. i like to blame a lot of it on the Modern Internet and the sheer amount of how many people have invaded my once cozy corners. with The Net these days being less of a space for Niche Freaks and instead being Grandma And Your Little Cousin Just Saw You Post Your Wiener On Instagram i’d think it’s only natural i’m running into less likeminded people. but i dunno. i feel like some of it’s my fault. i’m a weird little giblet of a girl, aren’t i? and man do i EVER hate people. I’m a big hater.

everybody i meet these days just makes me drool because everyone’s some kind of Valorant Edater or Reddit Object Show Minor or The Hypersexual or Someone I’m Too Intimidated By or Someone Who Does Not Want To Be Talking To Me. where’s Literally Anything Else. Everyone i meet these days fits into those categories. Give me anything else. What is wrong with my Spaces

i really don’t know how people make friends online these days. i’m always posting these days about Haha I Need Friends and Haha I Need A Wife that falls endlessly into the empty infinite void (much like now) for a reason. no matter where i seem to go, i walk dragging my feet, half-lidded and unengaged with a soft scowl on my face. i’ll figure it out, right? i’ll certainly make new friends, right? because i have to, right?

i dont wanna go to work tomorrow dude

[riftiee]

hi I got you on my tl because I follow the hld tag and saw the ask talking about what the game is about! I've beaten the game myself but I have pretty much no knowledge of the lore , I know you weren't wanting to talk about it bc spoilers but do you know where I could learn more? I don't think the wiki is a good place is it? is there a wiki that's not the Fandom one that might be better? :0

[SPOILERS FOR HYPER LIGHT DRIFTER]

Forgive me, I’m pretty sleepy and typing this on my phone, but I’ll take a crack at it ;]

sadly Hyper Light Drifter doesn’t really have a great comprehensive lore wiki that is all in one place. The game itself is very interpretive and the lore is pretty ambiguous, a big part of it is a lot about filling in the blanks.

An important thing to note is that the game itself was inspired by Alx Preston’s (the creator) congenital heart disease. There is a lot of symbolism relating to this concept throughout the game.

One of the most important parts of lore in the game comes from the Monoliths. Once you locate all of the Monoliths, you reach a library room containing every monolith plus a bonus walk of text. The bonus wall of text, after being translated, reads:

“HARNESSING A GREAT WELLSPRING, A PERFECT IMMORTAL CELL WAS CRAFTED TO BE IMBUED WITHIN ALL SENTIENT LIFE A NOBLE GOAL, THOUGH SUCH A POWER TERRIFIED OTHERS, AND BROUGHT RUIN AS ITS PURPOSE WAS TRANSMOGRIFIED THE ABHORRENT CELL STILL FESTERS DEEP IN THE CHAMBERS OF THIS WORLD”

Knowing that Judgement is also known as the Perfect Immortal Cell, we are able to figure out that HLD is set in a world where scientists (?) created the ‘immortal cell’, Judgement, by harnessing the power of something called the Great Wellspring [Anubis]. I believe the Perfect Immortal Cell’s original intention was to, well, grant the people of the Land of Light immortality… but some people were fearful of of this power, and so eventually, a war broke out, which caused the Immortal Cell to become corrupted, creating what we now know as Judgement.

It is unclear what the four Titans came from and what their intended purpose is, but we do know that they were somehow involved in the war. It is often theorized that Judgement was the one who ‘activated’ the titans. The four Titans ravaged the land, wiping out almost everything in their path, and completely wiping out the South zone, leaving it as an uninhabited desert. They were all eventually ‘killed’, leaving their ‘skeletons’ to litter the Land of Light.

After the Titans ravaged the land, in order to try and contain the Immortal Cell/Judgement, the remaining population gathered together and trapped the Immortal Cell in an underground cavern in order to prevent it from being able to harm anyone anymore. This same underground cavern under the central town is where the final battle of the game takes place.

The Immortal Cell (at least up until the events of the game) has festered beneath the earth ever sense, waiting. However, for some reason which is unclear, Judgement still haunts the Drifters, giving them frightening, violent visions and presumably causing them their illness.

Again, as I’ve states before, there is seriously just a TON of extra stuff that I can’t even begin to dig into… This game is absolutely full of little secrets. Alx Preston has also done a lot of Heart To Heart streams in which he talks about the lore of Hyper Light Drifter, so if you’re ever interested, those are a cool thing to check out; He gives a lot of interesting little details that we otherwise may not have every known!

Overall the game is intended to be pretty vague, and is extremely symbolic. A lot of it is meant to be left up to interpretation, so take it as you will…! There’s some really great posts out there on Reddit, as well as this Youtube video which does a MUCH better job than I could ever do at explaining the lore in much more detail.

Sorry if this was a bit convoluted or not what you asked for, but I do hope this helps “:] Thank you for the ask, as always!!!

[vikenticomeshome]

Cyberchase: The Chase Is On! - Exhibit (part 1)

You know, I always wondered if Cyberchase belonged in a museum. It's made a huge impact over the years, and it is now one of the longest-running animated shows of all time. If it keeps going, it will eventually surpass Arthur in that regard, now that Arthur has ended.

So, Cyberchase is (or at least was) in a museum at some point. The Houston Children's Museum in Houston, Texas was setup with an exhibit called "Cyberchase: The Chase is On!", which opened on March 14, 2009. HCM was the exhibit's main home, though it did tour other places, such as the Children's Museum of Atlanta in Atlanta, Georgia, and the Stepping Stones Museum for Children in Norfolk, Connecticut.

I didn't visit the museum back then. I suppose I was too old. However, there are plenty of pictures, and even some videos, out there showing what the exhibit was like. Now, I keep speaking in the past-tense, as I don't think the exhibit still exists. There is footage of the exhibit as recently as 2022.

However, WayBack machine archives of the site in early 2023 show that the exhibit was removed from the list, and it has not been re-added. So, I think the Houston version was retired after an impressive 13 year run. It may not have been open throughout the entire 13 years, as there is a video discussing it being re-opened in 2021.

At the same time, the current museum map still shows a Cyberchase area. The map file is marked as being from 2022, so it may be out of date.

I can't go there to check for myself. You can only go in if you have a child with you. Seriously, it's in their rules.

Still, even if the exhibit is gone, there are pictures that have been publicly posted online. I want to share them and talk about them. I did not take any of these myself. I believe most of these were published by the museum or by new reports on the museum. However, it is possible that I grabbed something from Instagram or Flikr, since I grabbed these images awhile ago. I apologize if I posted a picture that someone didn't want reposted. This is purely for the purpose of archiving what this exhibit looked like. I'm not making any money here.

So, here's the portal into Cyberspace. The kids and Digit are here too.

Actually Digit would sometimes appear in costume form.

Here's sort of a wide shot that shows a few of the different exhibits. We can see Motherboard's screen, a tent from R-Fair city, Jackie in her winter outfit, and the Grim Wreaker.

Here's Matt explaining how this exhibit works. You are trying to restore the power by moving different components around.

Here's Inez explaining another exhibit. It seems that this one involved understanding the Mayan numbering system.

Now, we get Jackie explaining this exhibit. The objective is to aim your shots to get past the obstacles and hit that post in the center.

Now, let's look inside the Grim Wreaker.

I like that they kept some of the hallway design from "Harriet Hippo and the Mean Green".

From what I can gather, this exhibit was all about stopping The Hacker's magnetite rocket from launching,

And now, we're helping Delete with his estimation.

Buzz also wants help fitting everything in The Hacker's closet.

Well, I guess if the Cybersquad can steal the Grim Wreaker and fly it all over Cyberspace, the kids visiting the exhibit can do it too. Are we proposing which Cybersites get deleted though?

And now, The Hacker wants to play a carnival game. How much do you want to bet it is rigged in some way?

Let's look at Motherboard.

She has some very short character bios for us.

There are other computer stations in Control Central. I see four of the flash games on it. We have Bugs in the System, Score the Pour (wasn't that Pour to Score?), Eye of Rom, and Logic Zoo.

I'll stop here, as I am nearing the image limit. I may make a part 2 though. I have a treasure trove of over 100 images, and I cannot remember where I found them.

[cinematics123]

Sooooo I've seen more than a few people being angsty about the lack of Buddie content. I definitely get that within the fanbase, but I think there is a purposeful lack of content that is hurting the show a bit.

Let me explain.

So for the fanbase, it's easy to see that even on the main 9-1-1 hashtags (on twitter, Tumblr, elsewhere) that the first and central posts are about Buck or Eddie and the literal crumbs of buddie content (Let alone the Buddie/gayfirefightershow hashtags, which are just you heathens being horny on main).

So the fanbase is virtually going feral over the lack of buddie content. We didn't even see Eddie give Hoover to Buck - which seems almost deliberately cut out after Eddie can't give the dog to Maddie and Chim.

And here is the crux of the issue, it's not just that the fans want Buddie content and it's not being put in, it's that it is a family and an intertwined group and these characters play a central role that's basically cut out to the detriment of those characters and of the motivations for the other characters.

We see Eddie go and get Hoover from Karen. And we see Eddie and Karen at the party. But there's no mention of Hen and Buck's day drinking from Animal Instincts (6X4). Karen doesn't know (Hen probably sobered up by the time she was home) but Eddie heard them on speaker phone. Rather than just quick snippets of them, that would give those characters something meaty to be doing together, something meaningful rather than as part of the Hoover gag.

This might seem minor, but look what happens to the plot when you add the Buck/Eddie storyline into what's going on with Hen/Karen.

Eddie concerned over Buck, seeing red flags with him on the bike, day drinking with Hen, being silent and sullen.

Eddie asks Karen why Buck and Hen were day drinking

Karen knew nothing about it, but now she's worried about the red flags with Hen (The falling asleep at the wheel, taking on too much, failing a class AND NOW day drinking?)

Karen confronts Hen about the drinking and Hen tells Karen about Buck and the sperm donor thing. Having used a donor, Karen is positive on Buck, but is a little hard on Hen for drinking "you're a student, but you don't have to do all the student activities." Hen maybe says something a little too far like "I can handle it on my own" or "I can handle it myself"

At the party, Karen mentions something to Eddie about Buck being a good dad or donor, assuming Eddie knows, but Eddie is just confused by what she says. Karen is so happy for Hen, but it can also be a complicated happiness. And Buck's separation anxiety line about still being together elicits and extra confused look from Eddie.

Karen is in the explosion and we see from the promo that Hen is performing CPR on her (looks like in the ambulance). Only in this minor edit (throwing Buddie in), there is extra tension because of the "I can do it on my own" in point 4. Hen's breakdown can be *more* poignant. "I was wrong, I can't do it on my own, I need you."

At the hospital, waiting for news on Karen, Hen drops that she can't have anything happen to Karen, they just had a fight and she needs to make it right. Eddie asks what the fight was over and Hen says about her and Buck day-drinking over sperm donation.

The other shoe drops for Eddie about what Karen said at the party about Buck and being a dad/donor etc. And he either confronts Buck or (even better) calls Maddie.

In 6x7 Eddie does whatever he does with the singer, but it gets extra slutty, extra steamy because he is TRYING to piss off Buck for not telling him. Maybe there is even a competition for who can be the best back up dancer/best background person. And Eddie is over the top and Buck is jealous/hurt/etc as hell.

Maddie makes Buck come over to watch Jee-Yun (and for once you have Uncle Buck). She not only shows him that he couldn't give up his own kid, but also reminds him about the leukemia and that he can't be a donor because of it.

After THAT Buck has to go to see Eddie for whatever the beach scene is. But look at all this extra baggage that's now brought with them and if Eddie challenges the sperm donor line, there is already Maddie's line there (or if the fight is over the sperm donor line, there is Buck playing with Jee-Yun and all the emotions that's brought).

Hen gets Karen back and it's not just "My wife was hurt" is also more poignant because "I can't do it without you" and whether Hen stays at the 118 or does fulltime school, there is the extra layer with Karen now and the extra layer of Buddie to contend with in her story moving forward.

The story is probably ending in the same place, but with the buddie elements, it's actually amp-ed up. And it feels more natural because why wouldn't Eddie and Karen be having those conversations about their partner/wife who they *should* be concerned about?

There is not just a fanbase that wants more Buddie, there is a Buddie shaped hole in the plot. And it would provide more layers to the show, more parallels between Buck/Eddie and Hen/Ren and would give these GOOD actors more to work with. The show should be intertwining characters in each other's stories, like Eddie and Karen (not just showing them handing off dogs and standing next to each other. That's not story that's just... good feelings... which is great, but from a plot perspective, it's bloat, not plot). The story would be affecting more characters like Maddie and Chim and Jee-Yun and probably Eddie eventually going to talk Buck to Bobby (to talk some sense into him).

So with... all of this... either they are trying to tone Buddie down (and hurting the story in the process) or they are trying to make episodes about Hen/Ren and then other's about Buddie, which... serves neither. They can highlight each other. That's what good storytelling does.

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

I've had this moment of realization some weeks ago, after I watched Red, White & Royal Blue. I even wrote a bit here and I focused on the genre, on chemistry, the film as an adaption. And then I stumbled on some review or think piece which had its central thesis based on the fact that this film is just another US/Royal imperialist propaganda, wrapped up nicely as a rom-com. And I was dumbfounded because why didn't that thought cross my mind instantly? Of course the ideological frame of analysis is but one, but it's still important. Me from a few years ago would know it. Me from today had to read it someplace else. Around that same time, I saw a teaser for an experimental film on Mubi in which the narrator talked about physical and imaginary borders. And again that terminology made me think of the times in which I could so easily talk about and use concepts related to borders, displacement, belonging, otherness, imperialism/colonialism, all critical paradigms that have now left my vocabulary.

Of course that as years went by, my research focus had shifted as I worked more and more in the area of gender identity (especially women in cinema) and then forms of masculinity (because of Jimin, which is something I haven't told before). And that led to becoming familiar with another set of concepts and adopting a terminology which I had to chance to use it in my posts here on tumblr a lot more than in my academic research in the past 3-4 years.

But what I wanted to say was that when I realized I was blind to the ideology in some Hollywood movie, I felt stupid. I felt like I regressed so much, compared to 22-23 year old me who could so easily juggle with those notions. Where has it gone? Did it disappear completely? Maybe not. I can bring that side of my brain back to life if I only go through some articles briefly. But it doesn't take away the fact that I had lived that moment of realization.

And now that I have distanced myself from the "institution", what's left? Will all my knowledge be stored in some part of my brain and I will forget about it as I move on and do other stuff? Why do I consider that specific type of knowledge as the only smart and relevant component?

And what about fatigue and apathy? And what about those concepts and ideas which belonged to people who no longer have a place, but their presence still lingers because I have assimilated their ideas? Years later and I still believe and use words and concepts that were not initially mine, but I can't get rid of them because I made them mine in the process?

There's always been this inner conflict as to what's the purpose of research. I don't know which is my voice and which is the other one with more power and influence. Do I think that having my name published is the ultimate purpose? I used to (I was being told), but when it happened, I felt no joy. I felt more relieved that it was finally over after months and years of work.

But then I stay up for days and I do stuff on my own and I finally write essays with no outside pressure and I come and post them here. And in those moments I'm happy. I'm also happy not for the likes and reblogs, but when I see other people commenting or sending asks in which they share their thoughts. And no one knows who I am and I don't get any recognition and none if it goes into some portfolio. And I'm happy. And then I get reminded that I was told about the democratization of research as well, of how it should reach more people, instead of getting locked up behind paywalls and that sharing the knowledge is the most important thing. And I believed it 10 years ago and I believe it now. And then I have to be confronted with the fact that such type of writing doesn't really have a place in a fandom that places a lot more stock on other type of participation.

Contradictory ideas coming from the same source which are fighting in my brain. And are part of me, whether I like it or not.

[liminalpsych-in-teyvat]

What is it about fanfic writers interpreting Alhaitham in ways that lay my private, personal experience out on a page, over and over again?

Alhaitham in canon doesn't do this. Or rather, he does, but on a surface level. He reminds me of a younger me, an 18-year-old me. His thinking is more sophisticated than mine was, but he's out-of-balance, singleminded about seeking truth. I was seeking to perfect an inner model of truth/reality/the world; that part of Alhaitham resonates. And I dedicated myself to self-knowledge and self-growth back then, and it's been a cornerstone of my identity in all the years since, but I've interwoven myself with the world and with other people.

Humans are social animals; we don't thrive in pure isolation. Emotions are just as much vital information as clinical observation and rational thought.

But something about how a number of people parse Alhaitham and put him onto paper... It's like they're reaching into my mind/heart/history and laying it out in words.

My most recent find for this took my breath away, nearly made me cry as I read it far past my bedtime, midnight on a Sunday: late-blooming honeysuckle by @ciaran (intimatopia on AO3). Alhaitham in a messy D/s relationship with a self-destructive, self-loathing Kaveh. The scene goes sideways and Alhaitham ends up needing aftercare, not that he even knows to ask for it. I so rarely encounter anyone even talking about the dominant or top needing aftercare, much less depicting it, and even far less actually getting any aftercare. It's a depiction I just don't see. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've seen a story explore this sort of impact on a dominant in a messy dynamic like this one. (Less than one hand, probably. The only one coming to mind is Kushiel's Scion by Jacqueline Carey, though I'm sure I've read at least a fanfic or two that touches on it. Not like this, though. Not as directly and thoroughly and centrally.) Didn't know I needed this sort of depiction so deeply.

(Now if I could just find something depicting the healing process after someone gets out of a relationship with their emotionally abusive submissive. But probably I'll have to write it myself if I want that particular representation. ...welp that gives me a terrible awful idea for a fic that I might have to write, now.)

Other Alhaitham stories that hit particularly hard:

forms of love by acynthe - the closest depiction I have ever found to my particular variety of asexuality, as well as one of the main ways I engage in relationship (close observation, collecting little details of the other person, seeking always to understand them more deeply and to learn their patterns and their minds)

hard to doubt by @lithopus - trans!Alhaitham using intellectualization and formal speech to distance, self-protect, detach for a variety of relatable reasons. (I'll copypaste my comment on the fic under the cut below.)

love lies in praise by lithopus again - I am more often Alhaitham in this situation (trying to convey to someone with cripplingly low self-esteem how I actually see them, how amazing they are), but I have been in Kaveh's position once upon a time as well (the one with cripplingly low self-esteem; that's been in a better place for years, thankfully).

My AO3 comment on hard to doubt:

"Due to Alhaitham’s bluntness, everyone believes him when he claims to prefer speaking factually over speaking rhetorically—but the secret is the way Alhaitham uses facts, which is absolutely a rhetorical device. Sometimes Alhaitham speaks in technical truths, to evade accusations of dishonesty even as he misleads the listener; other times, he selectively presents facts so that they lead to a mistaken assumption, and then blames the deceived listener for jumping to conclusions or failing to ask clarifying questions. And then there are times like now, when Alhaitham purposely responds to a question with something that is true…except his response isn’t the actual answer.”

*cough* oh no. why would you do this. You can’t tell on those of us who use defenses like this. That’s just rude. (My related go-to is that I get more technical, intellectualized, and abstract with my language the more uncomfortable I get, to kind of dissociate and distance myself from the emotion or vulnerability of whatever I’m saying. Most frequently comes up in conflict with an intimate partner, or when talking about sex.)

”But the issue is this: that as much as Alhaitham pretends to prioritize his own needs, he has a terrible habit of doing almost anything Kaveh asks of him…. If Kaveh passionately declares how badly he wants to suck Alhaitham off, then Alhaitham might disregard his own comfort in an attempt to accommodate him.

…“I didn’t want you to feel compelled.”

…“Every time he thinks that Alhaitham is the least romantic person in the world, the man goes and does something like that—admitting that he paid such close attention to Kaveh all those years ago…

are you serious. How do you keep writing versions of these characters that are mirrors of my own experience? (Thankfully I’ve had a lot of therapy since I was in Alhaitham’s exact shoes. But your version of Alhaitham is me in my teens/early 20’s. And sometimes I still regress to that on bad days. I was less outwardly abrasive though, I had Kaveh’s over-empathy / poor boundaries / Rescuer issues along with it.)

…he’s also way wittier and snarkier than I’ll ever be though, because wow, that exchange where he’s sassing Kaveh when Kaveh gets on his knees? Startled a laugh from me multiple times.

”He speaks so formally, in such a detached manner, that anyone besides Kaveh might fail to detect the painful truth underlying Alhaitham’s words: that to avoid the anxiety of invalidating himself, Alhaitham had simply resigned himself to a touch-starved life.”

Hah. Okay, there it is, the thing I mentioned earlier. The speaking in a formal, detached manner to talk about something super vulnerable, to make it more distant and less overwhelming, to be able to talk about it at all.

”Sometimes, Alhaitham refrains from something not because he wants to, but because he’s deemed it impossible."

Okay. This is rude, but I have to ask. Do you know someone like your depiction of Alhaitham, or are you that someone, or is this purely extrapolation from the character as depicted in the game? Because the relatability is uncanny and this is not something I have seen represented so explicitly in fiction … ever, really. It’s something that can be seen or derived if you squint in a few characters in visual media (BBC Sherlock, some versions of the Doctor, a few others), but only in an interpretive way, not spelled out like this.

(Also the trans pieces are very well done too, speaking as a transmasc non-binary person. The aversion to both shaving and facial hair makes me side-eye your version of Alhaitham a bit too, wondering if he’s perhaps not entirely binary gendered himself, as that’s one of the big reasons I’ve avoided HRT despite getting top surgery, facial hair would probably feel dysphoric on the non-binary front for me.)

And my comment on love lies in praise:

Oh this hurts.

It hurts beautifully, and poignantly, but oof. Wow.

I have been both these people. I haven’t been in Kaveh’s position in a long time, thankfully, but I remember those feelings and that crippling self-hate, self-loathing, that inability to believe anything else or that anyone could think anything else, and if they did then I was deceiving them somehow, they just hadn’t realized it yet.

And I’ve been in Alhaitham’s position, trying to convince someone I love that they are so much more than they think, trying to convey how I see them, aching for them to see themselves as beautifully brilliant as I see them, as wondrous and strong in their struggles against their own darkness and the bleak harshness of the world. And how much it hurts when they won’t, can’t hear it.

This was so achingly, beautifully portrayed.

[avelera]

🎀 and 💌 for the ask game?

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

I think my writing has come a long way! I don't consider myself an early bloomer, even though I've been writing since I was 12. I've definitely read fics by early 20-somethings and been blown away by their talent and skill because I definitely was not putting out that level of work at their age and writing was a slog for me back then, even as it was central to my self-perception. But I think through sheer, bloody-minded persistence, I've reached a point at 30-something where I can put out pretty reliably well-received fics that are (by my estimate) well written!

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

Got a little exchange from Giving Sanctuary 22 that I think is quite fun that I'd love to share ;)

“I think you just wanted to see me naked.” 

Dream’s lips parted, then he paused, his eyebrows drawing together in a picture of confusion, and then he sputtered, “That was not my purpose!” 

“Yeah? Are you sure?” Hob grinned and bumped against Dream’s shoulder to lessen any sting. “Because I seem to recall you combing those lovely fingers of yours through my hair to dry it, even though I bet you could have done it from across the room with a magical wave of your hand.”

“… Perhaps,” Dream said stiffly and the shade of the flush on his cheeks darkened further such that Hob nearly crowed with delight at his victory, and covered the urge in a cough, lest he offend his blushing love. “Would you rather I abstain from doing so in the future?” 

“Touching my hair? Fucking Christ, no, are you joking? Do you think I keep it this long for my health? Actually, don’t answer that, it hasn’t really been my choice lately. But there was a time when I kept it long against all the current fashions just to encourage my lovers to play with it because I am greedy, sinful man.” Hob shimmied down so his head lay against Dream’s pale chest and gazed up at him imploringly. “Please touch my hair. In fact, the less you stop touching my hair, the better. I fucking love it when you touch my hair, to an utterly embarrassing degree. Do you know before you left, I was conspiring to get caught out in a rainstorm just to give you a reason to touch my hair again?” 

Dream’s lip quirked up at the corner. “You could have simply asked.” 

“Oh no I could not.” Hob snorted. “Because the reaction would not have been chaste. I was holding on by my fingernails to not give away the game on what your touch did to me. There would have been no hiding it if you had touched my hair even a second longer than it took to dry.”