#sometimes i forget im fucked up
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me when i read a long kidco fic and the writer hints on an aptx 4869 permanent antidote:
#this is an imaginary scenario#in reality i mostly read the ones with the aptx 4869 permanent antidote tag because im god's weakest soldier ✋😔#and if there's no tag#i...um...sometimes scroll through the entire fic to see if it's a permanent antidote or permanent conan kind of fic LMAO IM SORRY!!!!!!!#when i was still starting to read kaishin#i got fucked by a few permanent conan fics and i was like NEVER AGAIN MY DUDE 😭#what was that one fic where kaito accompanied conan to ran's graduation bro that shit fucked me up i forgot where i found it i try to forget#LMAO#prattles
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this could be kuwameshi if you guys would like. take my hand and trust me
#yyh spoilers in tags#like major spoilers ok#which ig i dont usually tag but whatever#the if i had to choose between the world and you it's you thing happened. and it was KUWABARA like hhhhgghh#yusuke makes him forget his honor code sometimes and i need you guys to see that with me#bc it makes me wanna fling myself into the ocean over and over again#kuwabara literally is like you need to be alive bc otherwise im nothing idek who i am. please let me punch you#and he wails this multiple times#and yusuke would burn down the world himself if he thought it'd help his friends we all know that#and doomed by the narrative? mmm with the ever escalating world ending nature of being a spirit detective thats kinda there#throw in the sudden demon-human age gap post yusuke death 2 and you've got some narrative dooming in a way#but not enough for me to well and truly call them doomed by the narrative#yyh#yu yu hakusho#kuwameshi#kazuma kuwabara#yusuke urameshi#ofc i can handle you at your worst thats basically you all the time is Very kuwa to yusuke#and maybe we can figure out what the hell ur problem is over dinner sometime is Very yusuke to kuwa#actually i should draw that. or make it a textpost or something#but like turning up the protectiveness/possessiveness thats already there with them in line with the whole#'ive watched you die' trauma they Both have means that like. i think they would Need to have each other around for a period of time#in the wake of sensui's bs perhaps. and then yusuke cuts it all off and they start to get a bit healthier about it. hm#i think about them all the time it's like if typicsl shonen rival/bestie homo-ness was kind of scary and painful#like they love each other but the ways they hurt each other and hurt over each other drive me fucking insane
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ah yes! the joys of executive dysfunction and something being Fundamentally Broken In Your Braincase!
#quick vent Look Away Nothing To See Here#i just needed to place my emotions somewhere before i really started to spiral#texts from cherished friends should not cause nausea-level anxiety! and yet!#here i am! running away from the ever-present miasma of guilt and stress!#you know a few months ago i was like 'im going to be better about responding im going to do better'#i Immediately started doing Worse!#i think i stressed myself out too much#pretty much every relationship i have ends up completely deteriorating due to my own insecurities and guilt and fucked up brain <3#ah yes and how could i forget the Commitment Issues and Emotional Block#mentally i am banging my head into a wall#but its fine Its Fine#i mean its not. its really not. but sometimes it seems like the harder i try the harder i fail#which is something i should be used to by now!#okay so it looks like i Am Indeed spiraling so#i am going to go... list some good things in this world and uhhh#well i dont have the car this weekend so cant go for a drive and some boba. um.#i need to organize my room table Yes that sounds distracting and falsely productive#not gonna tag this with anything actually.#love treating tumblr like my personal diary#ah yes its just me. my personal feelings. and the couple thousand people that follow me.#perhaps i will also buy something online with one of the gift cards i found the other day#buttons from michaels!!! i need buttons! i will go do that!#with the knowledge that i have unopened messages to respond to looming in the back of my mind like a noose! yippee yahoo!!!#gonna... turn of replies/rbs just this once since its just a Vent#i just needed to get it Out yk? not looking for anything other than relieving pressure on my brain#ok it looks like i cant turn of replies for individual posts#just... pretend you didnt see this for both our sakes <3#look away look away
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okay. hello guys. my bad for not responding to stuff or being as active recently, had a lot of work to be done and other stuff to focus on that took a lot of my time. I wanted to make more art, but I unfortunately had to put that energy into other things (which got to the point where I could not put them off any longer and had to stay working on it). I know I missed a lot of stuff and I'm sorry for it
#unfortunately there are moments where i am forced back into reality#and i remember that i cannot actually spend my life creating and hiding away forever!!! crazy#honestly a lot of it has also been the fact that i am just tired everytime i get home#and my health issues that have been steadily building up#they're really catching up on me and ive been having to visit the clinic more than im happy with#theres just a constant sense of fatigue nowadays#also uh#admittedly my interesting in Alien Stage has been waning#not replaced by any other media in particular. just started focusing on irl life stuff more often#which is why i barely post on shakingparadigm anymore/dont really post anything of substance#its really mostly this alnst oc thing that makes me want to stay because i genuinely enjoy and adore what we've created here#im pretty invested in this even though im not as invested in the source material anymore#not to say i dont like alnst anymore! i still do. i just don't dedicate all my attention to it anymore#which is for the best actually. because admittedly the things and time i have sacrificed for alnst did create a few consequences#sometimes i forget how bad a hyperfixation can fuck me up#again I'm really sorry for everything I've missed#and for being late to apris birthday#and the solauri round#and more#amazing stuff that you guys have made#me bones just dont work like they used to i fear. please give me time#im.sorry again#sorry this post might seem kind of depressing#just dont mind it if you want#thanks for your time#misc#rant#(?)#vent
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In my head Joel didn't actually die but fell into a coma for a few weeks. His recovery was super slow and rough, and he'll never be the same, but he's fine!
#genuinely sometimes forget that he dies bc it still doesnt feel real to me#i only remember when i see people mention it or when i replay the game really#yes im a canon denier. no i wont ever stop#trust me ive done the research his chances of surviving that assault PLUS a coma on top of it are SLIM but STILL POSSIBLE!#anyway. thats my au. he's alive but is no longer the joel ellie knew and is severely fucked up but he's alive!#my thoughts#joel miller#tlou 2#the last of us 2#the last of us#spoilers#tlou spoilers#the last of us spoilers
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#“decol is spreading misinfo” im just forgetful and get confused with my words sometimes im sorry 😭#literally can't stop thinking about how i fucked up defining communism earlier#im gonna need a refesher course so i can keep talking my shit 😭😭😭😭😭#a bitch dissociates too much frfr#like sometimes it does cross my mind that my blog has grown bigger than i can be responsible for but like also...#my followers/muts are dope as hell and understanding and isnt that kind of understanding and humanization for ppl like me the Point?#idk i just think a lot and i hope i always stay this mindful of the space i hold. i dont want to ever do more damage than good while im here
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Badge seller designs but thEY ARE LESS OF A FUCKED UP LITTLE CREATURE YIPPEE!!
#a hat in time#ahit badge seller#badge seller#a hat in time fanart#LOOK AT THEM THE SILLY LIL GUY#they are so stupid looking I love it#“erm akshully! ☝️🤓”#Stupid ahh glasses#I hate that I have lore for this#GODAMN#LORE DUMP RAAAHHHHH 💥🦅💥🦅💥💥💥💥💥🦅💥💥🦅💥🦅💥🦅💥#OK SO This is all stuff to do with a story I'm working on (and will forget about next week don't get your hopes up broski 😋😋)#It kinda started as a rant Abt being trans and disabled and them spiraled into 20k words 😇😇#But so essentially they are a silly goober#UGH IM CAMERA SHY NOW#BUT they don't have their walking stick here#CAUSE#they need it bc of the glitching. They're legs just straight up go to diff dimensions sometimes#It's a whole thing goddamn#BHT this only happened after they became some fucked up goober#Which I have decided if cause they got trapped in the twighlight bell/horizon?#Probs the horizon have you seen the moonjumper
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Belos: I’m going to raise Luz as my daughter and ensure that she remains pure and loyal to me.
Also Belos: I’m going to let the 7-years-old clone of my brother take care of her I’m sure he’ll be able to do that.
you joke but thats LITERALLY his entire thought process at first. he's so isolated and arrogant that he couldnt possibly comprehend the idea that luz wouldnt see him as her father despite the fact he literally told hunter he was going to be her older brother and never once encouraged hunter to see him as anything but an uncle.
i attribute this to the fact that philip is an orphan who only ever knew his blood brother as his only caretaker, so he sorta took having a brother for granted and didn't realize that was something you could want rather than something that just Is.
(also caleb was the only person philip ever truly knew + loved and even well into his 300s he never once picked up a child psychology book and realized that Perhaps His Worldview Was Skewed Because Of That.)
he literally like. could not comprehend the idea that you could even choose your own family outside of like. being adopted by someone. thats the other thing with him being so annoyingly christian in this AU, he was taught that your blood family (esp yr parents) is always the most important thing in your life & you should always be grateful to them no matter what.
(this is another factor into why he keeps making grimwalkers. in his own twisted viewpoint, it's him giving caleb another chance. and another. and another-- at least in this specific characterization of him.)
philip thought that him adopting luz would mean she would immediately be eternally grateful to him and call him father and the whole nine yards. but he forget to actually express that expectation until it was too late (aka until he heard her call him uncle for the first time)
honestly, hes not MAD about it. he's just sorta :( about it bcus hes not actually insane and can still logically think like "she did say she had just lost her real father to an illness its perfectly reasonable for her to not want to replace him" (he doesnt think it outloud but he also enjoys living thru her vicariously
but also later on as she gets older it gets to a point where he's like "ok its been years now why isnt she trying to replace him yet" bcus he thinks its a normal + healthy part of the grieving process to replace the person you lost (figuratively or, in his case, Literally)
#qna#anonymous#little lamb au#toh#also luz is sort of catholic in this AU bcus she was raised like that#as in camila + manny would take her to church on sundays and she did sunday school sometimes and they'd encourage her to pray#but they never like. enforced it on her. it was more of a cultural thing for all three of them than a spiritual thing.#but belos is DELIGHTED when he hears baby luz praying out loud before bed on her first night in the castle#he tries to casually ask her about it like 'what is this God can you explain it to him'#but then as he listens to her little five year old explanation of God and Jesus she drops enough hints to make him realize#'Oh Good Lord She's Fucking CATHOLIC?'#'god truly is testing me by guiding this lamb into my care but no matter. no child is beyond redemption'#cue belos trying to push her more towards protestantism by attempting to have religious debates with a fucking. five year old#who has no concept of religion beyond 'jesus died for my sins which means i shouldnt lie to my abuela about taking an extra empanada'#sorry i love belos forgetting that religion exists up until luz arrives in the demon realm#and then he realizes Oh Fuck Thats Right. Im Doing This For God & Jesus Not Just For Fun#and then suddenly remembers everything his pastor from 400 years ago ever said to him
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trying to keep all my clemviminnie thoughts contained until i get to episode 3 but
its hard
#telltale was CRAZY for this btw!! the drama of it all ALWAYS gets me#violet blaming herself for her gf/minnies death. clem helps her open up again. starts dating clem. finds out minnie is still alive?#saved violet telling clem she has nothing to worry about and she'll fight minnie if she has to to keep clem and her loved ones safe#kidnapped violet getting brain poisoned by minnie into turning against clem after feeling betrayed and abandoned by her#saved vi shooting minnie to save clem!!!!!!!!! but cant leave minnie behind because she already left her once and she cant do it again#vi begging minnie to stop trying to fucking kill them but shes too far gone. the 3 of them fight to the DEATH!!!#now add all that to the parallels and dark mirrors going on between clem and minnie in the A plot like the tension is off the charts#plus the parallels you can draw between clem and vi but those are less “you are my dark mirror” and more “we are the same i understand you”#HOW are the girlies not still talking about this#you know what i partially blame myself i dont talk about it enough either. i forget how many things ive left in my wips folder sometimes#UGH its all so good violets route just ads so much Flavor to the clem/minnie plotline its Delicious i couldnt imagine it Not being there#i neeeeeeeed to draw them fighting and being gay and maybe bloody even#if u cant tell i really want to get back to that wip i posted a few weeks ago but im Trying to Restrain Myself#i love forcing myself to take things slow sometimes really makes the brain shift into overdrive#twdg#violentine#it speaks
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im. so tired. of homophobia.
#its really fucking tiring#it starts to get to you sometimes#my mom hates me and she doesnt even know it#what am i even supposed to do about that#i could be the literal perfect child#straight a's. job. no drugs no alchohol no behavioral issues#and she still couldnt love me#because she wants the perfect daughter#not the perfect son#i could be the kindest best most wonderful person in the world and people would hate me#i could literally cure cancer and people would still call me slurs#i could save the world and people would still hate me#i kinda just wanna curl up in a ball and#not be alive anymore yknow?#forget it im fine dont worry im fine its nothing im okay#ill get over it its no biggie ive been through worse#three pigeons in a trench coat
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wanna be put in a room with craft stuff for 10 years
#i cant focus on anything rn but the stuff i wanna make and its turning my brain into mush#the weird brainfucked fear that if i dont get these things started Soon ill forget it#my memory is so fucking borked man and my brain runs too fucking fast to hold on to anything#i make so much that i went and made my own hell lol#the two jobs thing i think is probably the crux rn cause ive got even less time than i used to and my time blindness gives me troubles#ill get adjusted to it#sometimes with all my fucked up processing issues makes me feel like im kind of stuck in a weird bubble#like i have no idea whats happening or whos around me or what people are saying and i just have to stumble through it yknow#shouldve been born as a tiktokers pet snail#not tryna be complainy or in a bad mood or nuffin im fine i literally just want to be making stuff rn#even though works like a big Thing its also been understimulating the past week because theres nothing to do i just gotta Be Here#i need to be put under pressure i need squeezed i need smushed and i aint getting that#if i ever make something for u plz hound me about it#so i can explain in excruciating detail what step im on and how im doing it and what still needs done and how ill do THAT#i should make tutorials#i feel like im way too stream of consciousness to make anything actually helpful#idk i want a toast chee
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:D (I ramble in my tags about this)
#shuichi iguchi#shigaraki tomura#mha spinner#bnha spinner#spinaraki#spinneraki#ok now that the tags are out of the way LETS TALK#i was reading a webtoon when female lead did that whole laugh and cover it with your hand thing and i do it sometimes too#and i got to thinking about WHY and why its usually girls depicted as such and i know some people dont like their teeth/smile#and im like well shut the fuck up! im thinking fem spinner!!! like being self conscious about how she looks and developing it on accident#and shigaraki never really noticing until one day she DOES and wow spinner looks really pretty when she laughs and why does she hide it#like damn!!! i have a lot of thoughts about what spinner but female and the changes that would have on the character and why and agdjfkflg#ANYWAYS someone stop me from regressing to the old way i used to do hair bc its too damn time intensive but its so easy to zone out during#fem shigaraki#fem spinner#was going to properly do the background but i got done after forgetting the texture for spinner for the 4th time + went eeeh good enough#also!!!!!! the last “”panel“” made me realize how weird that angle is to draw spinner with his major proportions and also keep the soft 1/2#2/2 smile reading as a smile and agdhfkfl am i adding “looks like a resting bitch face” to my spinner headcanons? maybe.#but imagine spinner trying so hard to look approachable and give a little smile but his face just????? doesnt do that very well (at least#not as easily as more human looking humans) and how that might play into his ostracization and then him leaning into that#as a defense mechanism (like if they think im an ass then I'll look like an ass on purpose) ahdndn he was so grumpy in the bar in the bg#mha jbee
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i do love sneaking in side ships to fics where they arent the focus but also i think the only reason i have the cater/trey mention in this story was bc i needed a reason to prevent cater from giving silver and kalim more thought out advice kflsjdfklsjd i had to interrupt him and make him LEAVE!!!
#well. his advice wasnt exactly bad per se#i think my reasoning was like hmm cater might just try to talk them out of this actually#but i didnt want him to do that and i hadnt initially planned for them to talk to cater but that organically planned itself#when i was writing ch 2 so i was like FUCK how do i get out of this kflsdjfklsdj#my solution was bully cater about trey and make him desperately hastily end the convo#im sitting here taking notes from my own story like ok. where was my mind during this part again. sdjkfldsjkflj#there were small things in the azul/jamil convos that i forgot i put in for later#so im MAKING NOTES like bitch dont forget your own ideas#i do that a lot LOL sometimes i forget the initial point i had when i write a fic#bc it kinda runs off as i write and goes in another direction#like fun fact i THINK one of the main ideas if not the very initial one for the jamil/azul fake date fic i wrote#was i like. wanted to write a short convo of jamil being like 🤨 r u wearing cologne for this fake date. and azul being like 😳 um. maybe.#and like the dates looking like bugs in his food / the reason they were sitting in booths were all an excuse to set up that dialogue.#AND THEN I FORGOT THATS WHERE I WAS GOING W/IT LOL#sobs. o well LOL
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take her on the fucking date you bastard
#🌈🤔#something something 'gavan is too busy for dates'#starting to think all space sherifs are just like this#these pretty girls are throwing themselves at you and you are giving them NOTHING#sometimes i forget about the 'guys hate shopping' trope on account of every man in my life fucking loves shopping#and then i remember its ME. IM the guy who hates shopping#still fucking dammit shaz take the girl out shes cooped up in this damn spaceship all the damn time#sharivan sharing
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but if I say 'kaiser would rather continue the cycle of abuse than get therapy' I'd be jumped so I won't say that someone else said that not me tho
#linny talks#sometimes i forget how off the walk fucking bonkers blue lock is#*wall#then im reminded#like what do you mean kaiser beat up police officers in cuffs with a soccer ball#and the president of fifa showed up to recruit him while he was in jail?#also the cops had guns but didnt shoot? thats craaaaazyyyyy#had the power of ⚪️ on his side there#jokes aside tho def a pet peeve of mine that as soon as a shithead character revealed to have sad backstory#hes suddenly absolved of all wrong doing in the eyes of fandom#like he can still be bad while also having had bad stuff happen to him#in fact thats the case for a lot of bad people#i wrote a whole google doc trying to get my thots and feelings out on the matter#i dont participate in 'fandom' much at all ever#especially not popular stuff so its been a bizarre experience seeing how other people like... interpret things (delusional)#dont get me wrong i like kaiser and i figured his backstory was fucked#but ive seen a lot of people like allergic to admitting hes abusive its strange#youre allowed to like him still?#anyways lmao this manga is so over the top#hope gagamaru is doing well
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holy shit for the first time in ten years i forgot nicks birthday
#and ironically it was my friends video talking about march that clued me in#like fuck march passed and i didn't even notice it.... feels weird. very. weird.#jrnlsht#yikes he turned 40 this year#oh that makes me feel old lmao that makes me feel so old#i thought i had everything figured out when i was 25...of the two of us i was the one with the stable job that i loved#making art all day... and then staying up till 4am making art with nick#and like sadly literally not euphemistically#although those after hours set painting sessions did include some making out#he was such a mess back then#now we've swapped im the mess and he's the one with the stable job he loves#funny how life works out#i remember his 30th vividly his sister bought him this ridiculous bunch of balloons#which of course he hated#and he was forcing a smile cause he was trying to play nice and act like his life wasnt a total mess#and i just sat there giggling at him in his sisters kitchen with the balloons cause i could tell he was faking it#anyway it was fine i made it up to him with a much better present later that evening when we were alone :P#i dont think either of us ever imagined being this old#i certainly didnt#i remember the last time i touched his face a few years ago#it was the first time i realized that - oh- i could love wrinkles#bald with lines around his smile... it was still his face :)#but forgetting is a good thing#sometimes i need to let memories go and move on
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