#sometimes i truly feel like i am making small talk on the deck of the titanic

[gideonisms]

The thing about my parents is I will text them like "love you there's a potential gun incident" etc and then after the all clear and I'm home they will ask like. So how was the rest of your day. I....well, it was bad! Idk what you want me to say. Like the morale was low

[senstless]

Splinterlands SOCIAL MEDIA CHALLENGE - Show casing Bronze Cards taking down Silver level!

Featuring Bronze League Summoner and Monsters in Action!

The Matchup - Where Rules Sets, Splinters and Mana Collide

The Rule Sets

Watch the Match Here

MANA: 28

Ruleset: Standard: No modification to the standard gameplay rules and mechanics.

SPLINTERS: Water, Earth, Life, Death, Dragon

Initial Rule Set and Mana Gameplay Thoughts

Rulesets Not much to talk about here, standard rule set doesn't have anything that requires additional thought or planning. It isn't really any changed cards becoming more powerful, or having a bigger weakness that needs to be considered. It should be a none of that for this matchup

Mana Honestly I remember a time where 28 felt like a big mana, but no it actually starts to feel small and constrained. I think I'm getting used to playing so many higher man of cards today feel like I need somewhere in the range of 38 to 50 to feel like I can get my optimal items in. 28 should still be high enough to allow almost any approach, the only truly limiting that's going to be done is on ultra high mana cost cards, anything over 10 will be difficult, and actually likely to create a disadvantage

Splinters Splinters are almost wide open just missing fire. Fire would be a great one to play in this rule said considering how powerful it's sneak and opportunity lineups can be in the sub 30 mana cost matches. Otherwise there's plenty of options in all the other splinters to put together

Summoner THADDIUS BROOD My go-to summoner when I'm playing against a potential Earth line up and I am not playing Earth. That negative one health and negative one magic is a really nice combination

First Position CURSED WINDEKU Hard to beat a decent melee card that has thorns in first position. Sometimes the thorns don't come into play while other times it can be a game changer on its own

Second Position VENARI MARKSRAT I wanted to boost any cards that I could potentially. I was hoping for an opportunity attack or potentially a snipe attack to help give it a boost to both my first and third position

Third Position RIFTWING Riftwing is a great play here after it gets weaponed trained for three arrow damage. It is potential to give boosted for both speed health and the damage if things go correctly for me. I love having a car that adds health via scavenger plus has a higher speed and flying which means it's likely to get missed a couple of times

Fourth Position ZYRIEL That wasn't sure when I first bought this card instead of to use it but weapons training is my approach in 70% of matches. The ability to add High attack volume to otherwise not attacking cards that tend to have higher health or armor for their mana cost is a no-brainer

Fifth Position CLOCKWORK AIDE Love this card. There's very few sneak magic cards so it provides a great rear tank, boosts everyone's speed, and has seven armor for those opportunity and sneak attackers to get through while delivering three arrow damage it's going to pick up in weapons training

Sixth Position CORPSE FIEND I thought it was likely that I'd be going against sneak so why not put this here just to have one more attack get wasted before reducing my armor

Opponent Lineup & Match Play

Summoner HELIOS MATRIARCH Interesting play, and not one that I used too much. It's biggest benefit is that it can summon those Gladius cards. If you take note it is a level 5, which aligns with silver decks and above I believe.

BAAKJIRA While only a level 1, it's void plus slow and 11 health makes it very devastating. After getting weapons trained it's going to be a heavy hitter as well. I feel fortunate now to have thorns in first position

KULU MASTERMIND Really a great card. Opportunity, high speed high health and high damage plus weapons training means it's really going to help turn my opponents line up into a heavy hitting mainly attacker

VRUZ Great card at this level. At the level I have it it doesn't have martyr but now that it does it's going to provide a nice boost to the surrounding cards when it gets knocked out

ISGALD VORST

One of the least favorite cards to see when my opponents lineup gets revealed. It is a real juggernaut with high-speed, damage, armor and decent health with opportunity and bloodbust. That combination means it's likely to be adding stats via bloodlust early and often. If it gets boosted with murder as well it could be really hard to take out

Round 1

Round one starts off and while I have six monsters versus only four they definitely have the upper hand in speed. They go ahead and get the first three attacks gone before I even get a chance. I lose all my armor on clockwork and also lose corpse fiend. As my turn comes around I do deal out some heavy hits and knock out Baakjira before finishing the round by taking the majority of mastermind's health.

Round 2

Round two starts off looking good for me. I quickly knock out Mastermind leaving them only to monsters. Vruz as quickly knocked out providing a martyr boost to Osgald Vorst. Things look like they're turned into my favor but Vorst knocks out cursed Wendeku and triggers bloodlust. This translates into one missed by the end of the round. It currently has six melee damage 7 speed and 6 health left. It will be attacking first the rest of the match and dealing significant damage.

Round 3

Around 3 starts off with it Knocking out Markscrat triggering a blood loss for both sides. I get very lucky in this round and I manage back-to-back hits that take away the armor and drop his health down to four. I was only a 50%, followed by a 40% chance to hit so the fact that I head back to back was a huge break in my favor, and I need to give the RNG got a hug

Round 4

It has almost enough melee damage to take out rift water at 13 health but it misses its attack even with its greater speed due to flying ability on wristwatcher. That small Miss chance really was powerful. I continued to run good as both of my attacks hit yet again. The stats are the same it was a 50/50, followed by a 40% chance to hit. I know I've been on the other side of these screaming at the RNG on why it hates me and wants me to lose the match. It clearly could have gone a different direction.

If my opponent managed to hit riftwatchers and drop its health down to five, while evading to attacks I believe I'm likely to lose this match given the speed differentials and the fact that it will trigger blood loss and add armor each time which requires a hit to clear before reducing health.

Thoughts - and Chances to Win Again

Well I'm happened to win this match, I'm not so convinced it had to do with my lineup being better as it did my opponent being fairly unlucky for consecutive hits when my mis percentage was so high. I will probably likely to select the exact same lineup if given the opportunity again, I just think that it is a higher probability that I lose more than half the matches if I ran this 100 times.

~~@senstless

[strawbabysimp]

Sous-Chef || Jealous!Zoro x Reader

Genre: Light Angst

Category: Jealous!Zoro x GN!Reader

Warning(s): Misunderstandings, Obsessive Working Out, Relationship Insecurities

Request(s): "Hello!!! I found your blog a few days ago and I felt like I absolutely had to make a HC request! Your writing is amazing!! Do you think you can do a HC on Zoro having a partner who likes to cook and shares the kitchen with sanji? maybe a little jealousy?"

A/N: I started this as headcanons but I got a bit carried away and it became a fic~ I hope you don't mind💕

"Those two are getting along pretty well, huh?"

Zoro looked up from his lap, his drift into slumber interrupted by the long-nosed sniper's words. His brow furrowed in confusion before following Usopp's gaze, catching sight of you and Sanji laughing amongst yourselves about something he wasn't privy to by the kitchen door. He wasn't surprised to see you there, often spotting you alongside the chef cooking up some new recipe he didn't understand the specifics of but would end up eating nonetheless. At his Nakama's lack of response, Usopp hurried to calm down the already cool-headed man. "Not that anything's, ya know, happening, or anything like that! I didn't mean that- I mean... You know what I meant." Zoro shrugged off his concerns inturn for returning to his attempt at sleep, this time without interruption from his crewmate.

He fell asleep to the sound of laughter.

~~~

The next day was interesting, having woken up to the shuffling of clothes and hushed voices. His senses were keen and he picked up on the ones responsible for the disturbance immediately. What were you and Sanji doing?

"Hurry up before you wake up the Marimo. I have something to show you!" The cook's voice was raspy in his attempt at quietness and Zoro was tempted to steal a peek at whatever was so interesting you had to get up before sunrise to see. "Shhhh!" You scolded the other man's insistent words.

Right after the initial shock of this wore off, a much more cynical thought made its way into his head.

He wasn't welcome. That's why you hadn't woken him up. That's why he couldn't come along with you, clinging close to your side in the morning air as you laughed off the curly-brow's stare of discontent at the sight of him. Whatever this thing between you and Sanji was, Zoro had no place in it and that notion was supported by the both of you. Zoro wasn't welcome in this part of your life, even as a spectator, and you had made sure of that.

You stepped out the door and his heart ached. He wasn't mad - not at you at least. He was confused. He hated being confused. Anger at least meant he understood the situation, but right now, he was left alone in the bed you and he were meant to share, feeling far too lonely for a man whose partner was just outside.

You came back in after some time, getting back into bed with a content sigh, the heat of his body warming you up from the cold dawn air. He was stiff beside you and you called his name in a low voice. He didn't respond to your questioning tone and you gave a soft smile to his relaxed face.

Zoro could only sense your stare, not your feelings, and turned over with a small, well-placed groan.

~~~

The light shined through under the door and it was Zoro's turn to wake up before you. It had to have been a few hours since your mysterious departure and return to the room and while he was still plagued by the many questions your actions left in his mind, no good could be done laying around.

He quickly got ready for the day, fixing his clothes in the mirror for a split second before heading out to the deck. The smell of food hit him and he knew that whatever the cook was making was going to be good. Not a surprise. Despite the pleasant aroma, his calm mood shifted and he wanted nothing more than to get away from the tell-tale signs of breakfast.

"Zoro!"

Your voice rang across the deck and his chest tightened. He turned around to face you, the soft smile on your face a welcome sight no matter any internal struggles he was facing. He knew trust was a difficult and sometimes fatal thing but he truly did have faith in the fact you wouldn't do anything to hurt him. This was his own issue. He trusted you(and Sanji but he wasn't about to say that).

He put off his training for a later time, the cook calling out that food was ready soon after you had approached him. Everyone quickly gathered and as the food was placed down, forks at ready to fend off their Captain's gluttonous hands, the Strawhats dug in. Your thigh was pressed against Zoro's and in the approaching winter island weather - and truly any instance at all - the contact was most welcome. Zoro poked at your plate playfully, expecting a laugh as he half-heartedly went for your food, but was surprised to see it garnered no reaction. His eyes traveled up your neck and he spotted your upturned lips which had a small smile of his own gracing his face, but as he looked at your eyes he realized you weren't paying attention to him in the slightest. You were looking at Sanji. And he was smiling back.

The pleasant expression on the swordman's face dropped away and he went back to eating, catching Robin's eye whilst doing so. The two shared a blank look and Zoro nodded at her before continuing his meal.

Your cheek pressed against his shoulder as he chewed around his fork, the warmth that filled him at the action burning in a masochistic sort of way. He knew he should talk to you but some part of him was scared of the answer and avoiding feelings was something Zoro did best. Be logical and win. That's all he had to do. But was there even something to win? And if so, hadn't Sanji already won?

The affectionate gesture received no reaction just as his had before and you removed yourself from his warmth.

~~~

Breakfast ended and with a quick press to your forehead Zoro was off, no doubt going to train up until lunch. The smile you received was tender yet rushed and you tried to trust in the fact that Zoro would come to you if something was wrong. Confronting him made him uncomfortable and you tried to avoid that when possible, giving him a place to express himself freely without forcing it out of him.

You made your way back into the kitchen, asking Sanji if he needed help with anything. He turned down your offer politely, content with the process of making the crew drinks on his own, but at the look on your face, he changed his mood. Directing you off into the food storage to get him some supplies, what he had originally planned to be a simple hot chocolate was now turning into an assortment of treats. He could tell you needed something to distract you and what better than cooking alongside the ship's gifted chef to soothe your need for occupation.

The snacks practically made themselves, you and Sanji working in sync as you gave the occasional comment or request. By the time it was done, there laid mugs of hot chocolate topped with fresh whipped cream and an assortment of cookies for everyone to choose from that would hopefully satisfy them until lunch was ready.

Sanji took the liberty of handing out the food to the ladies, stopping by Chopper as well because who could resist the cuteness of the blue-nosed creature. It was hard to believe anyone could consider him anything other than adorable perfection. You were of course stuck with the boys, balancing the dishes as you handed them off with a word of thanks from the recipients - or the occasional attempt at grabbing another serving.

The only person left was Zoro and when you didn't find him in his usual napping spot you crossed the deck with a sigh. That man truly was too predictable.

"Hey Y/N! Looking for Zoro?" Usopp questioned, the chocolatey drink coating his upper lip as he smiled. You nodded. "He said he wanted to be left alone to train. I'll graciously take his food though!" The sniper reached out for the goods, taking them from your frozen hands as you frowned. You always delivered Zoro's food to him when he trained, even if it went cold he ate it just so you would stop by to bring it to him. Maybe something really was wrong with your boyfriend.

~~~

Zoro's muscles ached under the strain of the weights, he had lost count of the reps by now and had no intention of stopping any time soon. His arms begged him to put them down, already far surpassing his goal for the workout session, but he couldn't. He found peace in the rhythmic movements and the pain only seemed to calm his mind. The endorphins in his brain fueled him on and he could easily see himself becoming addicted to the act; if he wasn't already that is.

All the anger and confusion faded into the background as his body screamed at him to stop. The sweat dripped down his face and the plain white shirt he adorned was soaked through with the moisture. He would have taken it off but that would require a break and that wasn't something his mind allowed at the moment. He let the fabric cling to his body as he focused on the movements.

A knock at the entrance had him dropping the heavy equipment without a second thought, looking over to where he had set his swords. He worked to catch his breath, the pain in his chest yet to subside due to the lengths he had pushed himself when the smell of tobacco flooded his senses.

"What are you doing, Marimo?" Sanji said without his usual instigating tone, the cigarette balanced against his lip as he spoke. The declared "Marimo" huffed, not happy to be interrupted by the main cause of his grief.

"Get out."

"I'll leave when you get your grassy head out of your ass and stop doing whatever it is you're doing."

"And what exactly am I doing, Cook?"

Sanji shot him a look, annoyed by his Nakama's false ignorance. His next words weren't a suggestion. "Fix this."

He turned around without another word, leaving Zoro alone once again, his only company being the cigarette smoke lingering in the air as a cruel reminder of the other's words.

~~~

Zoro didn't have the will to leave the space, the workout equipment surrounding his now near-sleeping form. He knew avoiding the issue would only make it worse but the comfort of being alone to dwell in his ill feelings was too tempting to resist. Just as he was about to lay down for a quick nap a knock broke him out of his wallowing state. Could he not get an ounce of peace on this damn ship?

His eyes widened at the person approaching.

"Y/N?"

"The one and only," you said in a somber voice, approaching the man. You weren't used to the lack of alcohol flooding your senses as you got close. He always smelled a bit of the drink and the small difference had you shifting on your feet, only adding to the uncomfortable mess of the situation.

You sighed, tugging Zoro up and along behind you as he simply gazed at you in confusion. He wanted to rip his arm away from your grasp, not a fan of being grabbed so harshly, but the lack of physical contact between you two left him a little more lenient if it meant he could touch you.

The trek to the food storage was silent, the tension between you two lessening slightly despite no words being exchanged. You caught a few looks from the others, some sending concerned frowns or even a stern glare from Sanji directed at your boyfriend. He didn't come in here often unless it was to steal alcohol - he came in here pretty often - and the way his eyes shifted around the room made it obvious he was uncomfortable with the situation yet decided to stay to see whatever this was through.

You let go of his arm to make your way over to the corner, pulling a box into view that had Zoro walking over himself to see. The top came off with a crack and you moved over slightly so he could get a better look from beside you. The container was filled with what looked to be little balls of algae but couldn't possibly be from how they sat on top of one another.

"Sanji found these on the last island. He said they reminded him of you, well, he said they looked like some sort of moss ball which is basically the same thing-"

Your words faded off into the background as Zoro peered down at the box, the contents staring back at him mockingly. He picked one of the fruits up, surprised at the hard exterior, and turned to face you.

"Is this why you snuck off yesterday?"

God, he felt stupid.

"Snuck off?" Your eyes widened in realization.

"It was supposed to a surprise! I thought maybe I could make you something with them. I would never... What did you think was happening?"

Zoro met your gaze with a shrunken expression. His words sounding pitiful to his own ears. "I didn't know what to think Y/N," his hand came up to card through his hair as his eyes shut, "I didn't want to think anything."

You gave a soft smile, knowing the conversation could get far too grim at a time that was supposed to be pleasant. "Sanji wanted to show these to me. I think he wanted to do something nice for us. He can be a bit of a dick," Zoro laughed at your words, "but he's sweet." There was a million different things he could say in that moment to counteract your words but decided against it. The weight that had been crushing his ribs finally dispersed and with a smirk he asked, "So, what can you make with these?"

You grinned, going off on a tangent about all the things you and Sanji had tried, the swordsman watching with bright eyes at the enthusiastic verbal reenactment of your cooking trials.

[zintranslations]

Kaleidoscope of Death, Ch. 123

Kaleidoscope of Death by Xi Zixu Link to Chinese / Novel Updates

Chapter 123: The Second Sacrifice

What happened the night before, nobody knew—except for Jian Qianyuan and that unfortunate dead partner of hers.

Lin Qiushi remembered that yesterday, Jian Qianyuan had also been one of the people eschewing the unpleasant taste of lunch. But sat before the same nauseating and flavored dead-fish lunch today, her odd behavior gave Lin Qiushi an unfortunate supposition. Could Jian Qianyuan have been affected by that monster as well…

Jian Qianyuan didn't care at all what the others thought. Once she finished eating, she left the dining room with a satisfied pat of her slightly distended belly. On her way out she seemed to have noticed the shocked looks everyone was sending her, and answered with a cold smile.

"The taste is actually pretty good. If you like, you should all go give it a try," she mumbled to herself.

Nobody answered her, and she shrugged in disinterest before leaving.

Lin Qiushi watched her enter a room. And when the rooms changed, Jian Qianyuan disappeared before the crowd.

The locations of the rooms kept changing; every few minutes, a new room appeared in front of the deck.

Some were lucky—people found their stuff inside the rooms and brought them out. Others not so much, never managing to find their original rooms.

Lin Qiushi, on the other hand, made a new discovery. While they were perusing the hallways, they were fortunate enough to see once more that locked room they'd discovered the day before. Only, something had changed about it. The door to that room now stood wide open, and the chain that had locked it from the inside was scattered in broken pieces all over the ground. It seemed to have been violently broken off.

"I remember this room," Lin Qiushi said. "Room 201." He looked at the door plate, thinking of the room number they'd seen yesterday. "Is there anything inside it now?"

Ruan Nanzhu stood in the doorway staring into the dark interior.

"You don't hear anything inside?" he asked.

"No," Lin Qiushi shook his head after listening for a while. He was sure he could hear nothing moving about.

"Then that thing probably left." Ruan Nanzhu approached and took a step inside, casually turning on a kerosene lamp on the table beside him.

The dim light illuminated what wasn't a terribly large room, and they got a good look at what was inside.

The room was both normal and abnormal. Normal was its furnishings, which were identical to where Lin Qiushi's group slept. Abnormal was the additional things inside the room: a bunch of fish scales.

These scales were scattered throughout the entire room, filling the space with a disgusting fishy stench. Lin Qiushi also noticed that on the floors, there was a sort of liquid—like water, but a bit more viscous—smeared all over. It was discomforting to look at.

And on the walls and furniture all around them, there were marks made by sharp claws, telling them that this indeed was the room that once held that monster prisoner.

Lin Qiushi inspected these claw marks and found them extremely deep; if those claws could do this much to hardwood flooring, then it was easy to surmise that a fragile human body for them wouldn't stand a single blow.

Gu Longming was gagging out of disgust, but Ruan Nanzhu took a napkin from his shirt and collected a few of the scales.

Though at present, they didn't know what the fish scales were for, it was better to be prepared just in case.

Lin Qiushi searched the rest of the room for other clues. Quickly, he found a man's shoe in the corner. It made Lin Qiushi think of the man who'd been eaten yesterday. Did the monster drag its prey back to its room?

As Lin Qiushi was contemplating this, Gu Longming said: "Time's almost up." The moment they came in, he'd started counting down, and there were still around ten seconds before five minutes were up.

"Let's get out of here," Ruan Nanzhu said. "This place doesn't seem to be of any more use."

Lin Qiushi agreed.

Not long after the three left that room, its location changed into another room. Lin Qiushi's expression was a bit downcast.

Ruan Nanzhu asked what was on his mind.

Lin Qiushi: "I think things might be worse than we thought."

"What do you mean?" Gu Longming asked in doubt.

"Is the monster's position truly fixed?" Lin Qiushi asked. "Or can it move around?"

Before he'd seen that room, he thought the monster's position was fixed. But upon seeing that ruined chain, he'd formulated an unfortunate hypothesis: the monster could move, and it could move throughout the entire labyrinth. Though, like the humans, it could not find the exit, all the people lost in the maze were just like food to it.

"Your guess is likely correct." Ruan Nanzhu glanced at his watch. "There are still thirteen people. That's enough to feed him for ten days."

Gu Longming forced out a laugh: "You guys are joking, right?"

Ruan Nanzhu shrugged.

"Only if you like this sort of humor."

At dinner, Lin Qiushi had thought he'd be able to see that bug-covered NPC. But the NPC didn't show. It seemed he only appeared in the dining room at lunch, and had its role refreshed consistently…

Everybody except Jian Qianyuan still ate their dinners listlessly.

When Jian Qianyuan appeared in the dining hall once more, she continued scarfing down the fish placed before her. Her unrestrained way of eating left the crowd with even less of an appetite, and they all dispersed after swallowing down some noodles.

Lin Qiushi's group was the same. Only, before leaving, Lin Qiushi took a closer look at Jian Qianyuan, wanting to see if there were any changes on her body.

To his puzzlement, Jian Qianyuan was still currently a simple human. Beyond suddenly loving fish, there was nothing odd about her.

"I'm really scared to see her become one of those things tomorrow." Gu Longming's current feelings about Jian Qianyuan were complex; he and Lin Qiushi were thinking of the same thing.

Neither Lin Qiushi nor Ruan Nanzhu spoke.

That night, Lin Qiushi wasn't getting much sleep. His mind was filled with thoughts of Jian Qianyuan, the way she was changing, and connections between all the clues.

As for Ruan Nanzhu, he'd taken out the fish scales from his pocket, set them on the table, and was currently scrutinizing them closely.

It wasn't raining tonight, and a clean bright moon hung in the sky, casting a silver glow down onto the ship deck and ocean surface. The sea wind brought with it salt and heat through the window, and the beds beneath them were lightly swaying. Had they not been in a door, the atmosphere here actually seemed a tad like a leisurely vacation.

Lin Qiushi looked out to his side. The scenery outside the window changed every five minutes.

Sometimes he could see the deck, and sometimes the stern. Sometimes it was just a black wall. The two people lying behind him seemed to be asleep already, their breathing going even. But just before Lin Qiushi fell asleep as well, he heard a peculiar sound—something was moving across the floorboards. The thing was heavy, enough to press soft creaks from the wooden planks, and it didn't seem to be wearing shoes. Lin Qiushi could even hear the quiet stick of flesh to wood.

This sound was getting closer, finally coming to a stop near their window.

Lin Qiushi held his breath. Through half-closed eyes he saw a gigantic shadow blocking the light from his window. …And Lin Qiushi smelled a wave of familiar fish rot—he knew exactly what the thing standing backlit before him was.

That giant fish-headed monster they saw last night.

It stood right outside Lin Qiushi's window, its nose twitching like it was in search of a specific scent. Lin Qiushi held his breath and didn't dare move an inch.

By moonlight, Lin Qiushi saw that thing slowly place its hands on their window, and then begin to shake the frame with those web-linked fingers.

The window wasn't strong, crunching loudly with the push. Ruan Nanzhu and Gu Longming too woke instantly from their sleep, and the first thing they saw was the giant silhouette standing outside. They could also hear that low, animalistic roaring.

Lin Qiushi thought at first that Gu Longming, fresh from a dream, would scream at the sight of this, but instead he only shuddered before pressing his voice low: "Fuck me, am I having a nightmare right now? Why is this thing at our door—"

Ruan Nanzhu was also calm, pulling out a dinner knife from his pocket that he'd stolen from the dining room.

"Maybe it discovered how tasty we looked?" he said.

Gu Longming patted at his own face and said in a tone of disbelief: "…do I look tasty?"

Ruan Nanzhu looked at him with sympathy: "I guess some monsters like extreme flavors."

Meanwhile, Lin Qiushi thoroughly applauded the enormous nerves on these two people.

The monster broke a hole in the window with a single shove, all the glass on it shattering and raining onto the floor. Then it started trying to climb in. Upon discovering the window was too small, those lumpy white eyes gave a twist, gaze falling sideways onto the wooden door.

"Fuck," Gu Longming swore. "It's not really trying to get in, is it?!"

"Looks that way." Ruan Nanzhu frowned. "Is death random then? No…No way! There’s something we’ve missed!"

As they spoke, the fishman began slamming into the door, and the already-flimsy wood quickly began to topple under its barrage. Lin Qiushi could even hear the wood beginning to splinter.

"When it rushes in, I'll hold it back while you guys escape through the window." Ruan Nanzhu's voice rang clear and calm still. "Got it, Linlin?"

"No," Lin Qiushi said. "I'm not leaving you here alone. Do not make the same mistake."

He frowned, looking very unhappy.

Ruan Nanzhu fell silent, and then sighed like he was giving up something.

"Alright, as you wish."

He handed Lin Qiushi a dinner knife.

"I'm not leaving either," Gu Longming added beside them, jittery.

Though he looked exasperated, Ruan Nanzhu didn't try to talk them out of it. He looked at his watch and said, "thirty seconds. Just hold out for thirty seconds and keep it outside—"

Lin Qiushi and Gu Longming instantly understood—after thirty seconds, the rooms would change, and once the rooms changed they would be able to leave the room, losing the monster behind them.

But these thirty seconds weren't so easy to obtain, because the fishman had already used those sharp claws of his to tear away half of the planks on the door. It seemed moments away from squeezing that scale-covered body through the crack.

Gu Longming turned around and fetched a table to blockade the door with. Ruan Nanzhu dragged the bed over as well to add to the barricade.

Watching Ruan Nanzhu, however, suddenly reminded Lin Qiushi of something. He remembered that the first thing the fishman did when it got to their window was twitch its nose, sniffing—

"Give me the scales you collected today!" Lin Qiushi yelled.

"What?" Ruan Nanzhu startled.

"The scales that you found inside the monster's room—" Lin Qiushi began to repeat loudly once more.

But luckily, Ruan Nanzhu reacted swiftly. The moment he understood Lin Qiushi's meaning he pulled a small paper pouch from his pockets and tossed it outside through a break in the window.

The scales wrapped up in the paper pouch scattered all over the hallway outside. The fishman, once intent on breaking the door down, paused with it, before going over to where the pouch was and bending down as if to pick up the scales.

Seeing this, Lin Qiushi felt some tension release. But the very next moment, once it discovered that there were only scales in the paper, the fishman let out an infuriated roar. It turned around and lunged again for where they were.

All this moving around, however, was enough to last those long thirty seconds. The fishman lunged for them, and just before it would shatter the door, their room switched position, and the fishman disappeared from in front of them.

Lin Qiushi opened the broken door in a hurry and, after making sure the fishman wasn't outside, switched into another room with Ruan Nanzhu and Gu Longming.

His worry soon became reality, because about two minutes later, that fishman once again found their room. It completely obliterated the door before throwing itself inside.

At that moment, Lin Qiushi's group was hidden in a room not far from that one, watching everything go down from the window.

The endless sounds of destruction floated over. After it was sure that its prey had gotten away, the fishman left, heavily panting. It looked as if it had a new target though—that huge mouth of its was slightly open, revealing the sharp thin teeth all crammed inside and the saliva dripping out of a corner.

The three humans hiding in the room didn't dare to make a sound, not until the fishman had gone. Then, Gu Longming let out a long exhale of relief.

"Fuck me, it was following the smell of the fish?! I really thought we were dead there!"

None of them had thought that the fish would come into such effect here. Had Lin Qiushi not reacted so quickly, the three of them might have suffered a casualty among them.

Though the fishman was gone, Ruan Nanzhu's expression had not relaxed. His solemn eyes seemed to make Gu Longming uneasy, and Gu Longming asked, "what is it? Zhu Meng?"

"I think Jian Qianyuan is about to die," Ruan Nanzhu said.

Just as Gu Longming was about to ask why, he remembered the odd developments around Jian Qianyuan during the day. She seemed to have eaten a lot of fish, enough that when she left the dining room, they could all smell that hefty rotten scent on her. If even they could smell the scent, then undoubtedly that monster could easily sniff her out too.

Sure enough, not long after the fishman left, Lin Qiushi's sharp hearing caught a woman's scream. The scream sounded quite far from then, and Lin Qiushi could only vaguely hear it. As for Gu Longming and Ruan Nanzhu, they couldn't hear it at all.

The screaming continued, accompanied by sobbing and wailing, and in the end, it petered off, leaving only hair-raising bellows and sounds of chewing.

Those sounds came from the deck. Lin Qiushi didn't want to know at all what they would find up there the next day.

Of course it would be yet another scooped-clean body, with all its innards gone, leaving only an empty skeletal frame.

It seemed that Ruan Nanzhu could tell Lin Qiushi was having a hard time sleeping. He sat down at the side of Lin Qiushi's bed and lied down with Lin Qiushi, tucking his chin against the top of Lin Qiushi's head. He kissed the strands of hair gently.

The warmth of a body against his back gave Lin Qiushi's frozen voice box a little bit of comfort, but that terrifying sound still seemed to be echoing in between Lin Qiushi's ears. He felt like he could still hear Jian Qianyuan's wailing…

"She's dead," Lin Qiushi said.

"Mh," Ruan Nanzhu said. "Go to sleep. This is normal."

"Maybe I could've figured out a way to save her," Lin Qiushi sighed.

"But you had to save yourself first." Ruan Nanzhu's fingers traversed paths through Lin Qiushi's hair. "We're still short a long sword to kill it with."

In the myth, the weapon that Theseus used to kill the Minotaur was a long sword. But they hadn't seen any weapon on the ship  that could damage the fishman—dinner knives were surely a no-go.

"We found the string," Lin Qiushi said, "and we also found the aperitif." When Jian Qianyuan died, he understood what aperitif actually meant.

Ruan Nanzhu kissed the tip of Lin Qiushi's ear.

"Sleep already. We'll talk about it tomorrow."

Lin Qiushi made a noise of agreement and closed his eyes.

He tried, but he didn't actually manage to sleep so well, only waited blearily until morning.

The weather wasn't good today. That thick cloud layer once again enveloped the entire sky, dim enough to scare people with.

Lin Qiushi got up early and went out onto the deck with Ruan Nanzhu and Gu Longming. None of them were surprised by the additional corpse there. Though its face was no longer discernible, the clothes told them that it was indeed Jian Qianyuan.

Her stomach had been torn open, and all the fish she'd eaten the day before was nowhere to be seen. Also gone were all her innards.

Shen Juexin, who'd already been seasick, vomited once more. Vomiting with him were a few of the weaker girls with a lower threshold of tolerance.

Lin Qiushi also spotted the girl who'd given him a heads up the other day, Xiao Mo. The erratic vibe of a newcomer had faded for her, and her expression was a lot number now, like she was already able to accept the horrifying scene before her.

Two days had passed. Jian Qianyuan was the second sacrifice to be eaten.

The group quickly took care of Jian Qianyuan's body, if "taking care" meant tossing it into the ocean and watching the fish take apart what was left of her.

"I saw that monster yesterday too." The number of people who'd seen the monster had increased, and someone was tremulously describing what happened the night before. "It passed by my door and walked to Jian Qianyuan's room. It split the door open and dragged Jian Qianyuan out…"

"It was too scary," that person said. "I couldn't help her. I'm no match for that monster."

Nobody could defeat a two-meter-tall monster. If they had some firearms, maybe they'd be able to put up a fight, but under these circumstances with only dinner knives at their disposal, nobody wanted to put their lives on the line.

Lin Qiushi was a bit tired. He found a place to sit down in the dining room and pushed the peas in his plate around.

The NPC who gave them food had also appeared, and he looked exactly the same as he did the first day Lin Qiushi saw him. Even his expression was unchanged.

Lin Qiushi and Ruan Nanzhu exchanged a look. Then Ruan Nanzhu got up first, walking toward that NPC.

"Hello sir," Ruan Nanzhu greeted him.

The NPC didn't speak, just stared coldly at Ruan Nanzhu. It was like he was a robot, and what to do when greeted by someone wasn't programmed into his system at all.

"Hello sir," Ruan Nanzhu said to him a second time.

The man still didn't respond.

With a tilt of his head, Ruan Nanzhu pushed the plate of food in front of them right to the ground. The fish inside the plates scattered all over, breaking into pieces.

"What are you doing?" the man finally spoke, sounding quite unhappy.

"I just wanted to ask," Ruan Nanzhu said, "when you're making the food, do you always bring so many insects along with you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

A casual swipe got Ruan Nanzhu one of the human-faced insects buzzing in circles around the man.

"You don't?"

Seeing this, the man set down the ladle for food preparation in his hand and made to leave. But Ruan Nanzhu caught him by a shoulder.

"And where are you going?"

The man began to shake violently.

Watching from afar, Lin Qiushi first thought the man was afraid of maybe angry, but very quickly he discovered that it was neither—the man was melting.

His body was rapidly shrinking, turning from head to toe into a mass of black. This lump dispersed in the dining room with a buzz—it was a hoard of flying insects.

Everybody in the dining room was stunned by this scene, before smacking at them like crazy.

But the insects came and went quickly, disappearing from the dining room just like that. And the NPC who had been right in front of them was now only a set of empty clothing.

"Motherfucker." Gu Longming hadn't seen this coming at all, and said blankly: "This brother was a mosquito demon?"

Lin Qiushi: "…" He didn't know what to say either.

Ruan Nanzhu scratched his head and peeked at Lin Qiushi. "Does this mean there's nobody to feed us fish from now on?"

Lin Qiushi: "…seems that way."

Ruan Nanzhu lifted his palms with an innocent expression. Everybody else in the dining room however—their expressions grew complicated. Who knew what came to mind.

Ruan Nanzhu: "That's a bit of a shame, isn't it."

The group: "…" Not a shame at all, thank you.

Translator’s Note

RNZ speaks to the NPC in the polite register of “you,” lmfao

[Ch. 122] | [Ch. 124]

[ivarisms]

Forbidden Romance

Summary: Ivar the Boneless finds a Princess during one of his raids on Mercia, a sign from the Gods he decides. She is a Christian and he is a Viking, a forbidden romance on both sides of the sea. But Ivar does not care what others think, and he won’t start now.  

Story Rating: Mature — 18+

MASTERLIST

                   CHAPTER TWO --- TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN

​The great wooden Viking long ship creaked and swayed violently against the battering swell of deep blue waves, and the bitterly cold water accompanied with white froth lapped up the sides of the hull, a terrifying sight for Freya who had never experienced the wrath of the North Sea. The young Mercian princess huddled herself into the stern of the ship, pulling her knees up into her chest and holding them there with trembling arms as the weather took a turn for the worse. She was freezing, colder than she believed she had ever been before, and she had experienced many terrible winters back home. She remembered them well, vast blankets of white snow as deep as her knees and whistling winds that could freeze her stiff if she stayed out in them too long. But there had always been firewood to keep her warm, out here in the middle of the sea there was nothing but the clothes on her back.

A great crack of thunder tore through the sky above, startling her from her memories. The sound made everyone on board flinch in surprise and Freya for a moment thought the heavens had split open. Commands were shouted between the Vikings in a language she couldn’t speak or understand, but she watched their faces and seen for herself the fear in their features. This was not good.

We are going to die out here, Lord please save our souls. 

She thought, trying to quell the rising panic in her chest along with the horrific sea sickness that swirled inside her belly by closing her eyes and pretending everything was fine.

“Don’t be afraid.”

Opening her eyes at the sound of the familiar voice, she found Ivar looking back at her from where he sat opposite her. She could have sworn he hadn’t been there before, or was her mind playing tricks on her? It didn’t matter. She was terrified, and no amount of reassurance from the very man who had stolen her from her land would make her feel at ease.

“I’m not.” She lied through chattering teeth, not convincing even herself of her own attempt to seem fine but she carried on with the act anyway, glowering back at him to let him know she could handle herself. “How long until we get there?” The question left her lips as more of a plea, but she hoped she didn’t sound desperate. 

The corner of Ivar’s lips curved into the subtlest of smirks and his deep piercing blue eyes narrowed just enough to make her doubt herself, he was good at that, too good. It was if he was silently mocking her, scheming some devious plan in that wicked mind of his.

He knows I am afraid, and he likes it. 

“Three days if we are quick.” He told her, never once looking phased by the chaos of the sea around him. There was a small pause before he continued, furrowing his brow. “Is this your first time on a ship?”

“Yes.” She breathed, lowering her eyes to her gloved hands to avoid his gaze. “I hate it, I hate the s-sea.” She stuttered, feeling colder by the second.

“You’ll grow used to it.” He sighed breezily and rolled his broad shoulders into a shrug. “You may even start to like it, in fact I’m sure of it.”

“I doubt it.” She murmured, shifting her weight until she turned herself away from him. Laying herself down onto the hard deck, Freya curled herself into a ball and closed her eyes, hoping to fall asleep until they arrived to where they were going.

Ivar remained seated, not moving to join her but instead keeping a watchful eye on her instead.                                  

                            ❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅

Some time later, Freya started awake. Her entire body trembled from the freezing rain that pummelled down onto the ship from the grey clouds above. Groaning, she pulled herself up into a sitting position and winced at the dull ache in her neck from the position she had been sleeping in. How long was I out for? She thought. With teeth clinched, she tried to stop her jaw from rattling but she was freezing. She couldn’t feel her fingers or toes anymore, and her chest was so tense that she could no longer breathe in without hurting. Her ribs were tender, as if she had been punched a few times.

“I’m dying…” She whispered, tears pricking her soft eyes. She believed she wouldn’t survive this perilous journey to Norway and maybe that was a good thing. Just then as she gave into the deep depression that washed over her, Freya heard a dragging noise sound coming from her side.

Ivar. 

Her stomach lurched in surprise when she saw the Viking crawl up the deck and into the space next to her, his strong arms carrying the bulk of his weight on calloused hands that were bound with black leather wraps. She supposed crawling was how he got to one place to another when he didn’t have the support of his cane. It was unsettling to witness, almost snake-like.

“…I…” She attempted to speak up, tried to muster enough strength to tell him she was ‘fine’ and to tell him to get away from her but her mouth seized shut involuntarily with the chills. She didn’t want his company, she would much rather freeze to death alone than have him anywhere near her. He was the sole cause of her misery.

“Sssh, don’t talk.” Ivar hushed away her futile attempts to protest and pulled himself up to sit by her side. She leaned away from him, not wanting him to witness her vulnerability and mock her for being weak, but as much as she expected him to bite at her with some sarcastic comment, he didn’t. Instead he began untying the tassels that held his black fur cloak in place around his broad shoulders. “I promise you that things won’t always be this way, we will be home soon.”

His voice was smooth as he tugged the cloak from his back and wrapped it tightly around her shivering frame. Freya didn’t know how to process the gentle way he handled her, she truly wanted to run from his foreign touch, but she had nowhere to run to. Feeling herself sink into his chest in defeat, sadness swelled in her chest as he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her in close to him to keep her warm.

“You took everything from me…” She whispered, tears slipping down her cheeks and onto his black armoured chest. “I have nothing, I have nobody.”

Ivar’s eyes softened at the sound of her pitiful voice, and he let his nose dip into her hair as he stroked her back. He was fully aware of the fact that she hated him, it was to be expected but in time she would see things from his perspective.

“I took from you what needed to be taken.” He told her lowly, allowing his lips to linger against the top of her head. “Your life back in Mercia would have amounted to nothing if I had not have saved you, princess. Your pig of a father was willing to let you be raped and die in exchange for his own life. He gave this ‘evil Viking’ his permission to do with you whatever I wanted, so if it had not been me to raid your town and some other raider had got there first --- you may not have been so lucky. Remember this when you try and convince yourself I am some monster dragging you into the dark!” 

“He never would have done that to me.” Freya lifted her head then and glared at the Viking who held her gaze. “You’re lying.”

Pressing his tongue against the back of his teeth, Ivar raised his brow and leaned in towards her, his nose brushing against hers. “You think so?”

Freya tensed as Ivar challenged her with that look, the kind that buried itself deep in her soul.  “He told me you were tucked away inside the chapel with your bishop when I nailed him to his cross.” He continued. “He told me you were beautiful with eyes as green as emeralds and hair as gold as the sun, and he wasn’t wrong. You truly are beautiful.”

“Stop.” She whispered, pulling her teary eyed gaze from his face. “Please, just stop. I don’t want to hear anymore.”

Her voice broke then and she slumped into herself, defeated by heartbreak. “The truth hurts sometimes, but it needs to be heard. There must be part of you that believes the Gods have plans for us.” He told her bluntly. 

Freya didn’t know if she believed in anything anymore. She was at a loss. Ivar the Boneless was the grim reaper, wherever he went death followed along with a murder of crows. And yet as much as she thought him to be a monster, she leaned into his solid chest and listened to his heart thump steadily against her ear. A monster doesn’t have a heartbeat. She thought to herself. A monster would never be as warm as he feels to me now. Breathing in the fur cloak that had his scent all over it – a mixture of the sea, soil, musk and firewood, Freya decided he didn’t smell all that much of a monster either. Closing her eyes, the Mercian princess felt herself drift.

“I think your Gods brought you to the wrong Freya.” She broke her silence. “I am a Christian, you are a Viking --- we are not the same.”

“They are never wrong.” He told her. “It is true, you are a Christian and I am a Viking. I don’t understand it myself but I have faith things will become clearer in time.”

Freya was asleep before he finished his sentence, exhaustion taking over. Leaning his head of dark braids back against the wooden stern, Ivar sighed as he let the princess sleep against him. His fleet of ships continued their perilous path towards Kattegat. 

tag list:  @punkrocknpearls​  @youbloodymadgenius​ @strayrockette​ @tgrrose​ @istorkyou​ @ivarhoegh​ @adrille88 @jadelynlace​​

[aminiatureworld]

Steadfast

Characters: Childe, gn!reader

Word Count: 3,241

Warnings: Swearing, Angst

Premise: He’d always assured you that he wouldn’t change, that he was still the man he was before. And yet how different things were, and how much it hurt to see what had come to pass.

In which the reader sees the changes in Childe

Author’s Note: Thank you so much for this request anon! Really from the bottom of my heart thank you. I really liked the concept of this prompt, I feel like it really gave me an opportunity to focus on how relationships change and grow, rather than always writing about new couples, or people just beginning to fall in love, although there is of course that involved. It’s interesting to see how people grow and change, even if it can be a little sad sometimes. Writing this was kind of depressing, I hope that this wasn’t too sad, considering you requested hurt comfort. I might’ve gotten a bit carried away…

Funny story, I actually hate one of the people Childe shares a name with. Look what you did to Cassandra Ajax the Lesser, look what you did… So to make up for this unfortunate coincidence I pronounce the names differently in my mind. Ajax the Lesser is pronounce “A-jack-s” and Childe’s name is pronounced “Ai-axe”.

I decided not to bullet point this, as I feel like it works better in a more “traditional format”, that being said if bullet points are easier to read I can go back and fix that.

When you’d first fallen in love with Ajax it had been before the change.

Back then everything with him had seemed so exciting, like stepping into the sea for the first time. You were a bit afraid, worried that you might be swept away all at once, but another part of you wanted to run straight ahead, to immerse yourself in this new and exciting experience. Wanted to keep going and never look back.

 You’d known Ajax since before you could remember. The two of you had grown up in the same small village, where one could hardly take five steps without bumping into someone, and being close in age had made you automatic playmates. Ajax was a brash child, not always easy to get along with, but impossible to pull away from. Even when he knocked you to the ground, or sat on you so you couldn’t move, declaring himself the winner of whatever you’d been playing, you’d still run to meet him the next day, the tears you’d shed utterly forgotten. Childhood friends might’ve been a cliché, but it was truly then that Ajax as a person had begun to stick in your mind.

This only continued throughout the course of your adolescence. Attending the same schools you two were nearly inseparable, causing you merciless teasing from the rest of your classmates. Ajax apparently got the same treatment, resulting in him decking a kid who declared you two were going to get married when you grew up. He’d been suspended for a few days, but never seemed to regret it, and when you’d gone over to his house to ask about it he’d grinned as usual, proclaiming he’d gladly do it again.

Growing up was a difficult process, so many snags and pitfalls, new anxieties, and old ones that you’d never truly worried about before. But it was all perfectly fine with Ajax there. He was always ready to pick you up, and flash you a smile to go along with his help. No wonder you found yourself hopelessly infatuated him, years of trust and affection building up to the newfound feeling of love.

 And then Ajax went missing.

You still remembered the terror that shocked your system when his mother visited, tone unnervingly light, asking if you and Ajax weren’t playing some type of game. You’d bolted outside when she’d revealed Ajax had gone missing, running towards the woods that was the only exit to the village where you lived. The adults had quickly caught up to you, but your fears had already grabbed hold, and you found yourself confronted with all you felt for him. You loved Ajax. How did this happen? Love was still so foreign, a word you could throw around but never truly catch. And yet you loved him, you loved him very much. And now he was gone.

They didn’t let you see him initially, saying he was tired, he needed rest, he’d be alright in a few days. Your imagination had run wild, your mind spinning a terrible story. Perhaps he’d been mortally wounded, perhaps he could no longer see, made blind from the snow and the cold. Perhaps he wasn’t really back, and they were simply lying to make you happy. These thoughts chased you, and it was only when you saw him again that your heart settled, even if a part of you whispered that Ajax was altogether changed.

He’d begun to leave the village. Though no one quite knew where he was you certainly knew a lot of brawling was involved. He’d sometimes sneak into your house, in a last ditch effort to keep his parents and the rest of his family from finding out how much he’d truly changed. You’d cried sometimes, seeing him with black eyes and bruising, slashes of red marring his hands, his arms, his face. He didn’t like to see you cry, would start scolding you, as if it was some fault of yours to feel worried, to care for someone who already was growing into a stranger. He always realized his fault though, and after a little while he’d pat the spot next to him. You’d sit down, head sometimes on his shoulder, listening as he spun his tales of greatness into the night, as if he were a knight fighting a great dragon and its army, rather than a troubled new adult with nowhere to turn to in terms of understanding.

 When he’d ask you to be his partner you thought you’d never feel unhappy again. You felt like you were on air, kept grounded only by his arms around you, his heart beating steadily against your ear as you nestled against his chest. You could tell he was happy too, and though it amazed you slightly that he should be as in love with you as you were with him, you could only thank the Tsaritsa and every other archon under the stars, thank them for being so generous as to give you all you ever wanted.

It seemed such a funny thought in retrospect, when it was the Tsaritsa herself who was now tearing him away from you.

 “Ajax, how could you?!” Your voice felt odd to your ears, somehow too thin, distant, as if someone else was saying it. “You knew, you knew that you’d have to join the Fatui. So why, why in the name of the Seven did you start that fight!”

“They were asking for it!” Ajax’s voice was just as raw, frustration mixed with something unknown. Entitlement perhaps, fear otherwise. “You should’ve heard the things they said about me, about my family. How they’d raised a good for nothing thief, a shithead who knew nothing more than how to swing a sword, and who would one day meet someone bigger than him, and die in the street, given to the rats, utterly forgotten. I had to prove them wrong! It was a matter of honor!”

“It was a matter of ego!” You cried, feeling the ground spin slightly underneath you. “How could you let them goad you like that Ajax, goad you when you knew exactly what was going to happen.” Sitting down you put your head in your hands. The world was shattering around you, and there was no one to blame for it except the one you loved the most.

“My darling, please, I don’t want to fight.” Ajax knelt down in front of you, taking your hands in his as you raised your head to face him.

“You always want to fight…” you replied, voice hoarse, pitched barely above a whisper. “And now you’re leaving, leaving to be part of an organization of cowardliness and deceit. What happened to the adventures you were going to have? What happened to the dragons you were going to slay?”

“I’ll get them yet.” There was amusement in Ajax’s voice, but it was clearly forced, and soon forgotten about. “I promise it’ll be alright, my darling I would never do anything to knowingly hurt you.”

And yet you have, you thought. You’ve run a dagger through my heart, and now your talking to me as if I’m not being destroyed by it. It hurts, it hurts so damn much.

“You’re going away.” You finally replied. “You’re going away to a place that will only destroy you more. And now things will never be the same again. Haven’t you wondered about what will happen to you there? If you’ll ever be allowed to return home? Haven’t you wondered whether or not you’ll ever see your family again? Things will never be the same again Ajax, never. You’ve crossed the chasm, and now you cannot return.”

“Don’t talk like that.” Ajax placed a hand on your cheek. “I promise nothing will change. I will always be myself my darling. This is only a stepping stone, a piece of my journey. I promise, I promise I will always remain as I am. And I’ll never forget about you, nor my family, nor this village. Nothing is going to change. I’ll make sure it won’t. So stop crying my darling; tears never looked good on you anyways.”

And yet, how things have already changed. Still, you said nothing, instead wiping your eyes and pressing your forehead against Ajax’s. His familiar presence was reassuring, and you thought of the years ahead of you, perhaps the eternity ahead of you, when you could no longer rely on him being there. Your eyes welled with tears again, and this time you made no move to stop them. You let yourself cry. If there was anything in the world worth crying about, surely this was one of those things.

 There was a new name signed in Ajax’s letters. “Childe” was the first name, “Tartaglia” was the second. They seemed to mar the page somewhat, written in Ajax’s – no, Childe’s – bold, slashing script. You hated the names, hated the memories they stirred up, reminders of all you’d lost in such a small amount of time.

The day you’d found out Childe was to become a Harbinger you’d raged as you’d never raged before. Locking yourself in the small apartment you’d managed to find – having moved out of Morepesok once the memories had become too oppressive – you’d spent most of your time reading the letter over and over and over.

He’d wanted you to attended, writing you were basically his family at this point, and besides, he wanted to show you to the Tsaritsa. Though the line about family filled your heart with no little affection, you’d refused flat out. It would’ve been too painful, seeing the crux of his transformation; the death of Ajax, the birth of Tartaglia. Childe had said nothing to your refusal, but he was clearly worried, and for a while afterwards the letters were more frequent. But even that stopped after a while, and now you savored what little information you could get, the torn pages of last month’s note a testimony to how much you reread them.

You wished that you could somehow end this purgatory you’d found yourself in. Though you’d begun your own career by now, pushing yourself to your limits as you were sure Childe was doing in his, nothing seemed so important as the drama that had comprised your entire life. How long had you known Childe? You could no longer remember. Long ago, so very long ago. Back when the world was simpler, comprised only of candy from one of the big cities, and fighting over the best fishing rod. Tears were shed over particularly brutal games of tag, then forgotten the next day. How odd that world seemed now, something you could never go back to.

 Every once in a while you’d be met not by a letter, but by a visit. Those were the best days. The days where you could set all your worries and your unease away. When you could once more press your ear against Childe’s chest and feel the steady beating of his heart. As long as you could do that, maybe it’d be alright.

“How’s my darling?” Childe’s voice carried down the hall of your apartment. You’d dropped the letter you’d been reading, his letter, and ran towards the entrance. Throwing yourself in his arms you wept tears of joy. Childe returned the embrace just as enthusiastically, though his eyes were dry. They’d changed, his eyes, or perhaps you’d just learned to notice the hardness that resided in them. “I’m home.” Childe murmured, eyes closed, expression one of perfect bliss. “Don’t worry beloved, I’m home.”

His presence never left yours the days he came to visit. Always there was an arm slung around your waist, or a chin resting on your shoulder or your head. His presence was as comforting as ever, and you soaked it in gladly. He’d changed. Not that you were surprised by that, of course he’d changed. His confidence was much more calculated, his words now slicked with flattery and deceit. He easily persuaded the fishmonger to give you a discount, and some sweet talk with the waiter at a café you frequented earned you a free lemon loaf. You took it, knowing that he just wanted to treat you, but the sugary confection stuck to the roof of your mouth, which had somehow developed a bitter taste.

You said nothing about it. There was no longer any point in arguing. You two were tied together by all sorts of strings. History, location, youth, love. And yet you’d gone your own separate ways. No more were the dreams of adventuring together. The real world had come along and stolen it away. The Tsaritsa had ripped that future from your grasp, and with it went your happiness.

“Are you happy, my love?” Childe asked late one evening. You were cuddled on the small couch in what comprised your living room. You nestled against Childe, breathing him in. Were you happy? No. But in that moment you weren’t unhappy either. In that moment you could forget it all.

“Do you think that sailors feel lonely?” You asked instead, drawing circles absentmindedly on the palms of Childe’s hands. He wore gloves now, expensive ones, not like the mittens that were popular in Snezhnaya. It was so odd to watch him put them on each morning. How things had changed. “They must be lonely,” you continued now, “for there’s nothing but the ship, the water, and the stars above.”

Childe paused, staring off into the distance. He did that a lot recently. You didn’t begrudge him it. Sometimes, when he was in a frank sort of mood, he admitted that he didn’t like the Fatui’s underhanded nature. Better to fight something head on than attack from the shadows. He’d quickly added on that it was the Tsaritsa’s wish, and surely she must know better than him. But it must’ve been difficult, following a path so different than the one you were born to. Betraying your nature, every day of your life.

“It must be lonely sometimes.” He finally replied, glancing back at you. “But I don’t think they’re lonely, no. The stars may be far away, but they’re steadfast, unchanging. And sailors will always be able to rely on them.” You were silent, considering his views.

“Still... stars are so very cold.”

“Perhaps, but they’re also beautiful, are they not? And like I said, who ever heard of a star changing?” A pause, as it seemed Childe was steadying himself, dipping into unpleasant territory. “I hope I will always be your star, my love. I hope you will always be able to rely on me.”

“I will.” You promised, giving Childe a quick kiss. You meant it, even if you weren’t sure that the metaphor was apt. Childe was forever changing; his mannerisms, his name, his location, his words. Sometimes it seemed as if there was nothing left of Ajax, nothing but a small sliver of light, shivering in the darkness that was fate.

“And I will always remained steadfast in my love for you.” Childe promised in return. “For there is nothing more important to me than family, and you are my family. You are that which I hold closest to my heart, and I’ll never stop loving you. I promise.”

His words were smoother than they had been before, polished by the need to be appealing to those who heard it. But you knew they were true. All throughout your life, throughout the pain, the hardship, the feeling of slowly falling off a cliff, all throughout that the one thing that remained was the love between you and Childe. Even if you had nothing, at least you had that.

“Childe?” He grimaced at the word and you paused. “Ajax,” you began again, “are you happy?”

Childe didn’t reply, instead leaning over to kiss you. You reciprocated it gladly, not truly wanting an answer to your question, although a part of you desperately needed it. Was Childe happy? You couldn’t tell. But despite your newfound hatred for the Tsaritsa, your disdain for the gods which had grown in the years of your hardship, your long abandoned faith, you still prayed to the Seven that Childe was happy. Because he deserved it. Because you loved him.

 You tried not to cry when he left, wanting to see him off with a smile and a wave, the way noble men and women would wave to the knights who were on their way to save the kingdom. But always your voice betrayed you, cracking and shaking, trembling violently against the knowledge that you wouldn’t see your loved one again, not for a very long time.

“Be careful.” You whispered, giving Childe one last hug.

“I will.” He assured you, kissing your forehead. “You be careful as well my love, I couldn’t stand it something were to happen to you. If anything happens, think of me, I’ll rush to your side immediately.”

“Don’t forget to write,” you replied, switching the subject so you didn’t have to think about the implications of Childe abandoning the Fatui, what might happen to him if he tried, “your letters are all I have.”

“I hope that’s not true!” Childe said, tone full of false mirth. “I hope you’re happy beloved, I hope you find happiness when I’m gone. Your life ought not to be spent waiting for me.”

“But you’re all I have.” You replied, staring down at the ground. “Everything has changed. My home, my work, my future. Even you’ve changed, you just keep changing and changing, running farther and farther away. But you’re still all I have. And I have to hold on to you, no matter what.”

Childe brought his hand to your cheek, raising your gaze up.

“I’m not changing my darling. No matter what I do, no matter where I go, I’m still Ajax. I’m still the man who wants to spend his life with you, who wants to travel the world with you, fighting monsters, sleeping under the stars at night. I’m still the man who wants to wake up with you every night and go to bed with you every morning. I’ll never run ahead of you, I’ll never leave you behind. Because if I’m all you have then you are what keeps me myself. You are why I can still be Ajax. And that will never change. So don’t despair, and don’t let yourself be swallowed up while I’m gone. Live your life to the fullest, I promise I’ll always be there, waiting for when you need me.”

 Childe waved from the ship he’d boarded until it disappeared over the horizon. You waved back, even as your arm ached and your hand fell asleep. “Goodbye.” You whispered to the wind. There was no reply, but then again you weren’t looking for one.

Childe, Ajax, Tartaglia. These names all belonged to the one you loved. He was a whirlwind, a rogue current which had knocked you off your feet, carrying you into uncertainty. And yet you welcomed him, longed for him, loved him with all your soul.

Even if things kept changing, even if the Fatui’s hold on him only grew stronger, you’d still believe in him. He was your star, guiding you through a desolate ocean. Even if he sometimes disappeared behind the clouds, he’d always be there. You had to believe that, had to trust him.

He was your star after all.

Your Childe.

Your Ajax.

[thrillridesz]

all i want for christmas | eric

in part of the deobi secret santa project and dedicated as a gift to @channiewoo​ ✨ ( i hope you like it >< i tried my best! )

➳ pairing: college student!eric x reader ( ft juyeon, kevin, chanhee and sangyeon with jacob mentions! )

➳ genre: fluff, fantasy, time travel!au, time loop!au, christmas!au, university!au, love triangle!au ( ish? )

➳ warnings: n/a (PG13)

➳ word count: 4.6k

➳ inspo: lotus inn by why don’t we

➳ fic playlist: all i want for christmas - big time rush ft miranda cosgrove | lotus inn - why don’t we | christmassy! - the boyz | you belong with me - taylor swift | crush - david archuleta

a/n : this is my christmas secret santa gift to eri @channiewoo​  ^^ also hi, i’m your theb secret santa! thank you for being such a sweet person to talk to throughout this month and honestly you really made my first secret santa here on tumblr pretty memorable! i know we’ve just exchanged a few asks here and there but i genuinely did like talking to you though im not the most frequent secret santa anon out there >< i sincerely hope you can forgive me for that. but anyways, i hope you like your gift!!

+ also unedited for now because i really wanted to post this on christmas day... and tags are still not working but i don’t want to delay this any longer

The Christmas spirit could be felt in all corners of the house that night as the sweet aroma of freshly baked cookies and crackling log fire from the fireplace wafted in the air while party guests swayed to the upbeat  Christmas music playing on the stereo and chatted merrily amongst themselves. Outside, fine white snow was falling and against the black canvas of the night sky, it made the streets seem almost serene and even beautiful. Looking out, one could easily feel the Christmas mood as neighbours held their own christmas parties and family gatherings. Everywhere they looked, they would see beautifully decorated houses adorned with Christmas wreaths and intricate fairy lights. Sometimes, one would even see the occasional snowmans displayed out in the neighbours’ yards, covered in scarves and hats with the ever familiar carrot nose. From a distance a few doors down, one could also hear singing - a telltale sign of the local group of Christmas carolers making their rounds in the neighbourhood like they did every year.

This was what Christmas is all about - enjoying good food with loved ones, receiving amazing gifts, going door to door caroling and feeling at home with the people you appreciate and cherish while the winter snow falls outside. Yet, Eric felt anything but. In fact, his heart was pounding against his chest as he sipped nervously at his mug of hot apple cider. Around him, the party guests were mingling and laughing at the college Christmas party as they shared funny stories from the year they had, feeling particularly merry. Normally, it would have been easy for him to get in the mood but not this time.

“I don’t get what you’re so nervous about.” Kevin said, shaking his head. “Why can’t you just talk to her?”

“I don’t want to make a fool out of myself. What if I mess up?” He replied despondently, his eyes softening as he glanced at you from across the room.

There you were - decked out in a cute Christmas outfit just standing by the fireplace, your hair falling around your face and framing it, looking more beautiful than he had remembered. The smile on your face made his heart flutter ever so slightly and he could feel his face grow warmer despite having a huge mug of apple cider just in front of him. The santa hat you wore added just that little touch of sweetness and adorableness to you and Eric couldn’t help but feel his heart start to pound in his chest. If you weren’t already stunning to him, you were breathtakingly beautiful to him now. Every little smile or shy glance made his heart beat just a little faster and he reached up to clutch softly as his chest.

“It’s better than not trying at all, Eric.” Kevin pointed out, taking a bite out of his gingerbread cookie. “You ought to have a little bit more faith in yourself.”

Eric sighed in resignation. “It’s so much easier talking about it than actually doing it. Everytime I think about doing it, I chicken out. I just can’t seem to stop fearing about possibly screwing it up, Kev.”

Kevin regarded him with a sympathetic look before patting him reassuringly on the shoulder. “I understand. Look man, if you don’t feel ready then you don’t have to force yourself to talk to her.”

“I promised myself that today would be the day.”

“Yeah, I know you did but still, you don’t have to force yourself. Your face is turning pale from the anxiety.” The latter said, concerned.

“It is?” Eric asked, alarmed as he quickly turned to the window beside him, checking out his reflection. He narrowed his eyes as he reached up to ruffle his hair in an attempt to make it look somewhat better though all it did was make it seem more tousled.

Kevin watched him, chuckling softly. Men in love are truly a different breed.

“Hey, Kev! I nearly forgot, do you want to listen to my newly curated Christmas playlist? I’ve been meaning to ask but I couldn’t find you.” Sangyeon suddenly appeared from behind the duo, with a joyous grin on his face. Kevin gave Eric a questioning look which he waved away.

“I’ll be fine.” He smiled.

“Alright… If you need anything, just call me!” Kevin said, casting him a last fleeting glance as he walked away with Sangyeon.

Holding the mug of hot apple cider close to his chest, Eric leaned against the cold glass panel of the window, staring out listlessly despite the steady pounding of his heart. He shot a furtive glance in your direction and quickly looked away, his cheeks reddening. At this rate, it would not be long before he turned as red as Rudolph’s nose.

“Get a grip, Eric. Why are you being such a wimp?” He chided himself. Looking around, Eric couldn’t help but observe his surroundings wistfully.

Everyone was seemingly in their element - snacking on Christmas snacks, dancing and just having fun. By the boombox, he watched as Hyunjae engaged in conversation with a girl who he did not recognise. The way they were laughing and the way she so flirtatiously slapped him on the shoulder, giggling at something Hyunjae said made Eric feel so deeply envious. Even from where he was, the smitten look on her face was undeniable and he wondered why he couldn’t have been more of a ladies’ man like Hyunjae was. Things would have been so much easier for him. Why is it that whenever it came to you he was suddenly the most awkward person to grace the face of this earth? It just didn’t make sense to him.

Sighing, he took another sip of his hot apple cider, feeling the liquid burn at the back of his throat. Suddenly, he frowned, his eyes narrowing. Who was that?

He had one of the most attractive faces Eric had ever seen - with soft, fine dark hair, a strong build and a warm smile that simply lit up the room. There he was, talking to you and you sliding your hand over his shoulder, not in a seductive or flirtatious way but in a friendly way though it was still enough to spark jealousy in Eric’s heart. He watched intently as you leaned in to whisper something in his year, his smile growing wider at your words.

Eric longed to know what the two of you were talking about, his grip on his mug growing tighter and firmer.

“Lost your chance, buddy.”

Swivelling around, Eric nearly spilled his apple cider as he turned to face a pink haired boy with an upturned nose. He didn’t remember seeing him around but there was something odd about him that Eric couldn’t quite put his finger on. Not to mention, that statement really did rub him off the wrong way.

“Excuse me?” His tone was slightly icy as he furrowed his brows together, frowning at the stranger in front of him.

“Didn’t you want to talk to her?” The boy asked, taking a swig of his hot chocolate, seemingly not noticing the confused look Eric was shooting him.

“Do I know you?”

“Oh right! I’m sorry, I should have introduced myself. How rude of me… I’m Chanhee but you can call me New. Everyone does,” he smiled warmly, “you’re Eric?”

Eric narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Yes? How do you know my name?”

“I just do. I know everyone,” He waved away his question nonchalantly, “I see you have a Christmas sweetheart.”

He tipped his mug in your direction and Eric felt his face grow hotter, annoyance setting in at the same time.

“How is that any of your business?” He snapped, his tone indignant and confrontational.

“I am here to help so watch your tone around me.” New rolled his eyes, looking at him in disdain though there was a twinkle in his eyes as he continued, “I can help you get the girl.”

Eric cast you a sideway glance before turning back to New with a skeptical expression. Whoever this guy was, he was weird, odd. Yet, the proposal he had proposed was a tempting one and despite himself, he felt inclined to listen. Watching you from afar, Eric’s heart sank just a little deeper as the guy you were talking to suddenly reached up to brush your hair away from your face, the both of you looking into each other’s eyes as he did. The irritation and jealousy he felt came back stronger than ever and before he knew it, the words were out of his mouth before he even knew it.

“How can you help?”

At his words, New grinned, drawing a small crystal vial from his pocket. The vial was filled with a mysterious sparkly, glowy pink liquid and smelled distinctively of roasted chestnuts though Eric was almost a thousand percent sure the liquid was not made of any kind of roasted chestnuts in any shape or form. As New popped open the cap, the scent grew even stronger and Eric shot him an alarmed look.

“What is that? A drug?!” Looking around frantically, it felt like nobody was paying the two of them any attention, being too preoccupied with their own conversations. How is nobody noticing this?

“Calm down and don’t get your panties in a twist.” New scoffed, “It’s a time travel potion. Or a time loop potion if you will.”

This guy is actually crazy. Eric almost wanted to laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of it all but barely managed to suppress it.

“Okay…?”

“Yup, I made it myself. Took me like half a year to brew it to perfection but it should work now. I followed each step really closely so there should be no problems.”

“Yeah, sure man. Thanks for wasting my time. If you don’t mind, I’ll be leaving. Thanks for the false hope.” Eric grumbled, taking his leave and not even bothering to consider the chagrined look on New’s face. Mayhaps Christmas is not his time either. He wondered how long this would drag on. When Valentine’s Day rolled around, he chickened out and said ‘next time’. When Halloween rolled around, he chickened out yet again and promised to make a move by Thanksgiving yet when Thanksgiving rolled around, he settled for Christmas. Now…

“Maybe it’s just not meant to be. Maybe I’m just too much of a coward.” He whispered to himself, pushing his way through the crowd of people. As he took yet another sip of his hot apple cider, he couldn’t help but keep his eye on you. The way you were now looping your arms over the guy’s neck and the way he had his large hands on your waist made Eric want to leave the party. If only he had a little bit more faith…

“What time is it anyways?” He murmured to himself, wanting more than anything to leave.

9:04pm. Damn. It wouldn’t be until two hours later for the party to end. Sure, he could always leave early but he would hate to be seen as disrespectful to everyone else especially Jacob, the host of this lovely party.

He stared at the mug of hot apple cider he had in his hand, scrunching up his nose at the taste of it.

Was it just him or did it taste slightly… Off?

Eric gazed at it for a moment before he shook his head. I’m overthinking everything, he thought. However as he stood over the snack table, he felt a sharp pain at the back of his head. It was like having someone slap him at his head before his vision turned blurry. His limbs were beginning to go soft and his mouth dry. What was happening? He blinked rapidly but to no avail. It felt like he was falling in a deep pit…

When he opened his eyes again, everything felt fine. Patting himself lightly on the face, he looked around his surroundings in confusion. Just what was that? Did he imagine all of that? The mug of hot apple cider was still in his hands and the reindeer horns band was still on his head. He was wearing the same clothes and everything had become clear, there were no more blurry visions. The pounding in his head had stopped and it felt like whatever happened earlier was merely a figment of his own imagination.

“Eric…? Eric!”

The voice shook him from his stupor and with a start, he lifted his head to see Kevin regarding him with a questioning look on his face.

“You okay? You zoned out for a minute and I mean, really zoned out.”

“Y-Yeah… Aren’t you supposed to go listen to Sangyeon’s playlist or something?”

Kevin raised an eyebrow.

“What playlist?”

Eric frowned. “Didn’t Sangyeon ask you to listen to his Christmas playlist?”

“Um… No? Even if he has one, he hasn’t asked me yet.”

Eric looked at Kevin with confusion in his eyes. What was going on? Last he remembered, that was exactly what happened. Swivelling around, the confusion got even stronger when he saw you standing all alone at the other corner of the house. Were you not with that guy?

Instantly, he remembered what New had said. “Time travel potion…” He mumbled under his breath, his eyes widening when the realisation dawned upon. No way…

Whipping out his phone, it felt like his heart was about to pound right out of his chest when he saw the time. His throat felt dry and tight as he stared, unable to believe his eyes.

8:46pm.

Eric suddenly recalled the weird taste he had gotten in his cider and instinctively, his hand reached up to cover his mouth. There was no other explanation for this other than the fact that one, that New or was it Kyu guy had not been lying when he spoke of a time travel potion and two, he had slipped him the potion on purpose when he wasn’t looking. He could feel the anger bubble up within him - the nerve of that guy! With pure, unadulterated fury in his eyes, his gaze swept across the room, looking for him. Kevin looked on, thoroughly puzzled.

“...Eric? Are you okay? You’ve got a weird look on your face.” He asked, concerned. “Eric?”

All anger had just dissipated from his being as his sights finally landed on you. There you were, standing all alone at the fireplace with a drink in your hand while your friend danced. The look on your face was one of loneliness and even from a mile away, anyone could tell you looked extremely awkward at having been left alone while she swayed up against Haknyeon, a guy he recognised from his Medieval History module.

From the corner of his eye, he could see the same dark haired guy he had seen approach you ‘earlier’. Following his gaze, Eric could feel his stomach drop as he realised that they were on you. From his body language, it was clear that he was about to make his way over and take his chances with you.

Just then, a voice at the back of his mind whispered softly.

“What are you waiting for?”

Taking a deep breath, Eric squared his shoulders and hurriedly straightened the jacket he was wearing. This is it. This is actually it. He was going to do it. His legs were moving now, one step after another in large strides towards you. The sound of his heart pounding was practically deafening to his ears and he could feel his legs turning into lead, each footstep heavier than the next. Squeezing past the crowd, another voice - this time insistent and panicky - suddenly cried out.

“No, don’t do this! What if you embarrass yourself and make yourself out to be a fool?”

Eric’s face paled. No, this is a mistake. What was he doing?

“Hello?”

Shaking out of his thoughts, Eric almost jumped back in shock at the sight of you just right in front of him. Before he even realised it, he had made his way over. It is now too late to back out. Had he been standing there like an idiot this whole time?

“I-I… Hey!” He squeaked out, his heart almost leaping out of his chest.

“You’re Eric right? Eric Sohn from Professor Kim’s introduction to accounting class?” You asked kindly.

From the corner of his eye, he could see the guy from ‘earlier’ approaching, pushing past the crowd and judging from his demeanour… It seemed like the competition was still in the game.

He needed to pull this off.

“Yeah, I am. Y/n right? It’s a pretty cool party, isn’t it?”

“Mhm! Pretty great so far! My friend is over there dancing but I’m not much of a party dancer so here I am,” you smiled and Eric almost forgot what he was about to say.

“I-”

“Hey, how are you guys enjoying the party?”

Eric looked up and his brows furrowed into an annoyed and anxious ‘v’. The dark haired competition merely grinned back at him though there was a certain glint in his eyes which made Eric clench his jaw tightly. It was the sort of gaze that was long enough to send a goading message - game on.

He smiled and extended a hand towards you, completely ignoring Eric. “I’m Juyeon, roommate of Jacob’s. I saw you from afar and thought I’d come say hi.”

You shook his hand, oblivious to the tension between the two guys. “I’m y/n. It’s nice to meet you.”

Juyeon briefly lifted his gaze to Eric and without anyone’s notice but his, he winked slyly.

“Revolting.” Eric thought angrily.

“I heard they have some really cool peppermint treats at the candy table, wanna come?” Juyeon asked and quickly Eric said, “I heard they have a great log cake at the snack bar though. I’ve heard people raving about it!”

You looked at the both of them, seemingly a little disconcerted. “Uh… I…” Juyeon shot Eric a scathing look which he returned with a smug smile.

“Who doesn’t love a good old log cake?” He asked, to which Juyeon rolled his eyes at.

“I mean… I do love peppermint…” You trailed off and Eric turned to you with wide eyes as big as saucers and Juyeon’s lips lifted into a smug smile.

“Excellent choice! I hear they have so many varieties…” Juyeon chattered on, placing his arm over your shoulder, leaving poor Eric speechless and red faced, watching helplessly as the two of you walked away from him. Turning behind you, you had an apologetic look on your face but said nothing.

“That’s too bad. I was rooting for you, you know?”

Eric swivelled around to find New standing behind him yet again, this time chewing on a piece of toffee. The time on his watch was clear as day as the red, glowing digits stared right back at him - 9:04pm. It had come full circle. He had the chance to turn things around but he had failed. Somehow, the nonchalant look in New’s face irritated him but he tried to remain calm. His gaze drifted down to the bulge in the man’s jacket pocket, tracing the faint outline of the tiny vial that contained the potion from earlier.

“At least we know now that I’m legit, right?” He winked at Eric, smirking as he did though it dropped when he saw the look on the latter’s face.

“Why are you-”

“Please, give me one more chance. Please just let me turn back time this one more time.” He pleaded. Eric was not one to plead but this time, he was feeling particularly desperate.

New looked at him like he had just sprouted an extra head before he burst out laughing.

“How’s that for a turn of the tables, Mr ‘thank you for wasting my time’?” He asked, still giggling. Clearly, he was taking much joy in this new dynamic - something Eric didn’t look too pleased about though he was not about to act on it. After all, it was New’s potion that allowed him this one more chance which he had quite unspectacularly let slip from his grasp.

“Alright, I suppose I could let you try this one more time though I’ll definitely be charging for your next usage.” New sighed, whipping out the vial. “I did want you to succeed after all.”

As Eric gulped down his drink, the familiar feeling of dizziness washed over him yet again, along with the looseness in his limbs and before he knew it, he found himself standing right where he was with you standing where you were previously.

This time, Eric squared his shoulders and ran a hand nervously through his hair. There you were yet again, standing by the fireplace with that drink in your hand.

“No hesitation this time,” he whispered to himself before he made his way over. He barely even paid attention to Juyeon coming in from the side as he struck up a conversation.

“Hey, y/n from professor Kim’s introduction to accounting right?”

You turned to him, looking a little surprised before you smiled warmly at him.

“Yeah! Eric, is it? It’s nice to see you here.”

“How’s things going so far at the party?” He asked, trying to keep the edge out of his voice. His nervousness was getting to him quickly but the thought of messing up yet again reined him back in and his smile stayed on.

You wrinkled your nose as if considering his question before you replied, “Well, it’s going alright so far. I’m not really a party sort of person but I thought I’d make an exception since you know, Jacob’s my friend.”

“I see! I don’t usually mind parties but I do like…” He paused as he saw Juyeon approaching, the gears in his head whirring away and you looked at him curiously.

“Eric…?”

“How about we go get some peppermint? I hear they have a variety here.” He suggested quickly, his eyes darting towards Juyeon’s direction.

You stared at him, looking a little perturbed but then grinned and nodded. “Sure, I love peppermints.”

Before Juyeon could even make his way over, the two of you had walked away, squeezing past the dancing crowd. The bass beat of the music was so resounding throughout the house that it almost seemed as if the walls were vibrating as well. The glitter and lights all around all looked stunning but perhaps a little too stunning as Eric made his way through the crowd with you just right by him. From all sides, people were accidentally bumping into each other and more than once, he almost lost his balance.

As the two of you neared the candy table, Eric realised too late that perhaps pushing past the crowd had been a bad idea and that a smarter way would be to stay out of the dance floor when he felt himself fall forward. Someone’s foot had been there and without looking, he had tripped over and landed with a huge thud on the floor, flat on his belly. His chin collided with the ground and if he had hit it just a little harder, had the impact been just a tad stronger, he might have suffered a serious injury.

Since you were just trailing behind him, his unexpected fall had sent you falling as well. As the both of you crashed against the ground, some members of the crowd audibly gasped as people shuffled out of the way. Though it may have hurt when he fell, Eric’s heart ached much more than the bruise he would no doubt sport on his knees tomorrow. Seeing you sprawled next to him and knowing all of this happened only because of him, he wanted nothing more than to dig a hole right there and then and leap right in.

A few partygoers reached out to help him up and right next to him, Juyeon appeared in front of you, extending a hand with a look of concern. Eric watched as the two of you looked into each other’s eyes and like in a fairytale princess bedtime story, you reached out tentatively to hold onto Juyeon’s hand as his heart fell to the ground with a messy splat.

“Y/n-”

“Are you guys okay?” Juyeon asked though it seemed as if he was only asking you in general.

“Yeah, we’re alright. Thank you.” You said softly, still seemingly a little frazzled.

“Come, let us go get you seated somewhere.”

Eric couldn’t help but simply stand there and look helplessly as the both of you wandered away, his heart feeling like it was about to shatter into pieces. A second chance he was given and he screwed it up and if that wasn’t enough, he was offered yet another shot which went worse than his first. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe no matter how many times he tried, tonight was just not the night. Or perhaps nothing was ever destined to happen between you two. The jolly christmas music was still playing but he no longer was in the Christmassy spirit anymore.

All he wanted for Christmas was you but it seemed that that didn’t seem so possible anymore, if not impossible.

As the partygoers resumed their dancing, all he could do was plop himself down on the nearby couch and do nothing except nurse not just his fallen pride but also his feelings which never had the chance to express themselves before it got completely shut down.

Grabbing a bottle of ginger ale from a nearby pack, he took a swig and felt the ale burn as it ran down his throat. Usually, he would have loved it but tonight, it just left a bitter taste in his mouth. Keeping his head down, Eric exhaled deeply. He ought to just give up completely.

“Hey, Eric.”

At the sound of your voice, his head snapped up and he gazed up at you with wide eyes. There you were, standing before him and looking down at him as he wallowed in his own feelings. How long have you been standing there? Why were you here?

“Y-y/n?”

You gave him a bashful glance as you sat yourself next to him. “Are you okay? Did you get hurt?”

“I… I… “ He simply stared at you, his mouth gaping like a fish and looking absolutely flummoxed. “Didn’t Juyeon-”

“I couldn’t possibly leave you alone.” You hurried to say and when he didn’t reply, you continued. “Do you… Do you mind if I sit here with you?”

It took Eric a second for it to register in his mind what you had just asked of him before he grew flustered just as the joy in him began to spark.

“Do I mind? No! Of course not! You’re welcomed here! Please, sit with me!”

As he chattered on nervously, you couldn’t help but admire the way his eyes would light up whenever he talked and how charming his smile was. He was in the habit of moving his hands around a lot which though some might find annoying, you only found to be endearing. You could feel your heart beating quickly which always happened whenever you were near him, saw him around class or even just at the mere mention of his name.

As you looked into his eyes, you felt yourself clench on tightly to the couch, the excitement in you simply immeasurable. You couldn’t help but smile as you felt the weight of the vial in your pocket. A worthy bargain indeed from the mysterious pink haired boy.

This was all you wanted for Christmas.

[caswellprmanager]

drawbridge

read it on ao3

Ship: Ricky Bowen/EJ Caswell

Summary: Snippets of EJ Caswell's life leading up to the mystery that is Ricky Bowen.

Notes: Hello. I decided to bite the bullet and post something here! This technically is in my Trans!EJ and Genderqueer!Ricky AU but I haven't properly written anything for it yet so consider this one to be the first official fic within that universe. Feel free to send some asks or other headcanons in my inbox about the AU! I'd love to hear what people think (but don't be unnecessarily mean. I will delete that very quickly.)

Disclaimer: I'm not an expert in all things transgender or genderqueer. I am writing from my own experience within the spectrum however so it's truthful to what I have been through, but will not represent everyone else's experiences. I also have friends within the spectrum who have given me great advice on how to go about these things but once again, it won't be accurate to everyone's experiences.

Warnings: Mentions of gender dysphoria, transphobia, and neglectful parents

People always told EJ that he had the picture perfect family.

His mom and dad were successful corporate lawyers, they lived in the wealthiest suburb in all of Salt Lake City, and he was the kind of child other parents would compare their own children to saying, "why can't you be more like EJ?"

But EJ knows that's farthest from the truth.

He doesn't have the picture perfect life or the paragon of White American families that people think they do. His parents are affectionate and supportive only when there are people around to comment on it. Most of the time, they're not even at home, leaving all of the child raising to their maids and other house servants. EJ spends more time at Ashlyn's house than he does at home because at least his aunt and uncle actually treat him like a son.

Because there are days his parents would forget they have a son. Sometimes they'd slip and call him their daughter, which makes EJ want to disappear from this world altogether. He supposes he should be grateful that they even bothered to pay for all the things he asked for — binders, testosterone shots, and regular visits to the doctor to check up on him throughout his transition. And he is grateful. He knows so many kids like him that can't even afford a decent sized binder without going bankrupt. He used to be that kid until he gathered up all his courage to come out to his parents.

But what they told him?

"Well, if you're gonna be our son, you will have to work twice as hard to make us proud now."

Yeah. It's a lot to process when you're 12 years old and scared shitless that you'd be disowned for "disrupting the natural order." But he figures things could be worse. So he sucks it up and vows to become the kind of son that his parents could truly brag about.

When EJ was a kid, he loved mysteries. His parents were the greatest mystery of them all. He's spent so much of his time trying to figure out what makes them happy, or angry, or sad. He's put the clues together and has a cork board of pictures and red string at the forefront of his mind whenever he so much as tries to interact with them. Soon, he sort of figured out what makes his parents smile at him — when EJ is excellent.

So, he became excellent at all kinds of sports, took up piano lessons, studied until his eyeballs burned with the lowlight of his desk lamp — all so that he could maybe get a pat on the back from his dad and a small smile from his mom. Their versions of "good job" or "keep it up." He drank that all in, craved it even, and worked his whole life until now to get even an iota of his parents' affection.

So, when he meets Ricky Bowen, the lanky and extremely clumsy skater who seems to live in the detention room, he was met with a brand new mystery to solve.

"Who's that?" EJ whispers into Nini's ear, who just seems to be irritated by the new person's presence.

"That's Ricky," she says with the barest hint of affection but with a whole lot of irritation. "My ex."

"Huh," He says, intrigued by the way Ricky's movements stutter like a half-finished stop motion film and how their wide doe eyes scan the room like — unironically — a deer in headlights. They looked nervous, confused, and all around terrified and EJ wants to reach out to them and tell them that this was a safe space. That they could be whoever they wanted to be in the theater.

He glances at Nini when Ricky starts singing a song that she seems to recognize. The immediate tensing of her shoulders and the way she subconsciously reaches out for EJ's hand for support tells him that this song... means something. Or meant something. EJ's not quite sure but he squeezes Nini's hand in silent reassurance, bringing himself to half-glare at the guitar playing skater just a few feet before him.

--

He met Nini during theater camp. A firecracker of talent with a voice that could melt the heart of even the coldest man on earth. She was beautiful in the spotlight and even more ethereal beneath the stars. She was kind, gentle, and a mystery that EJ solved quickly enough. She wore her heart on her sleeve despite it being broken because she believes that broken hearts can be mended with time and patience.

Nini was patient with him. She was patient with him when he took her up the little hill next to the campsite just to watch the stars on an old picnic blanket he stole from the camp counselors. She was patient with him when he couldn't keep up with the dance steps. Her hand was warm in his own and the flush of her palm by his neck was a grounding force that kept his head from going in the clouds.

She was especially patient with him when he took her to an empty tent and told her about his life. Nini was kind. Nini was patient. Nini was safe. And if she were to walk away and tell him that she wanted nothing to do with him after what he told her, he would have understood and learned to not associate kind brown eyes and ukulele calloused fingers to what could be barely described as home.

But she held his hand in her tinier ones, a smile on her face that radiated warmth that seeped into the depths of his soul, and told him that she was proud of him.

It was the first time that someone was proud of him... for just being him.

He cried into her arms that night, knowing he's got a lifelong friend within the kind brown eyes and ukulele calloused fingers of one Nini Salazar-Roberts.

--

"She thinks I'm a Chad?" He asks, less incredulously and more with a burning curiosity.

Nini rubs his arm comfortingly but he keeps staring at the cast list like it was going to burst into flames any second. "You're still a Troy understudy! You could still go on as him in one of the shows."

"Shows only run for three nights, Nini." He says with barely concealed frustration. Great. If he can't even get the role he was technically destined to play, how the hell is he going to explain himself to his parents?

You're not the lead? Oh, then we won't watch. If you're not onstage the whole time, why be there?

EJ grits his teeth and slowly brings his gaze to the person who has just taken away one more way for him to prove himself to his parents. Ricky Fucking Bowen, who stands there once again with their enormous brown eyes, gaping like a fish. EJ wants to deck them in the face. But Nini's hold on his arm grounds him back to reality and he lets out a long breath through his nose.

This is gonna be a long next few months.

--

"Look, I'm just trying to make the best out of a bad situation."

"Don't try," He ends up saying, still wiping at the blood caused by the basketball Ricky hit him with only moments ago. "It's painful to watch you do something you clearly don't want to do."

"What makes you think I don't want to do this?" Ricky asks with furrowed brows and EJ throws the wadded up tissue paper stained with his blood into the trash.

"You hated musicals before you auditioned. You landed the part of Troy without even fucking trying. And now you think you can get through rehearsals without fucking trying? It's tiring to work with someone who couldn't give two shits about this musical in the first place!" He says, every sentence rising in volume as he steps closer and closer to Ricky. "You also need to stay the fuck away from Nini."

Ricky scoffs then. "Why? Cause you're her boyfriend?"

"What? And you are?" He retaliates, which effectively makes Ricky click their mouth shut. EJ smirks. "Yeah. That's what I thought."

"Nini can choose whoever she wants to talk to." Ricky ends up saying with tense shoulders and a glare that could murder if EJ weren't already a person who doesn't fear death. "You can't tell me what to do."

"Well someone has to!" EJ throws his hands up in frustration, grabbing his jacket and zipping it up angrily. "Because you don't listen to Nini though, do you? Have you ever listened to her? Do you listen to anybody?"

"EJ I—"

"You better listen to me right now Ricky Bowen," he laces every syllable of Ricky's name with venom. "Stop trying to make things right. Stop trying to become a person you're not. If you actually cared about Nini or – god forbid – the musical, you'd stop trying and just get your shit together."

EJ doesn't even bother to look back at Ricky as he exits the bathroom, unaware of the look in Ricky's eyes when he walked away.

--

It isn't until Ricky approaches him one day after rehearsals that EJ was finally starting to unravel the mystery that was Ricky Bowen.

"Hey... EJ?" Ricky asks, looking at anywhere but at him and EJ would have been annoyed if it weren't for the way Ricky was holding themselves in front of him. They were tense, eyes glassy and unfocused whenever EJ caught a glance, and their fingers were gripping their bag straps so tightly that he was afraid Ricky was going to rip it apart if they weren't careful.

"Hey Ricky," He says with a softer voice than he's ever used with Ricky. "Is there something you need?"

Ricky's eyes dart around the still full rehearsal room, at the dangerously close proximity Miss Jenn was, at the stage managers that were just behind EJ who were reviewing the blocking notes, and finally at Nini who was engaged in a conversation with Carlos and Seb. Ricky's eyes lingered on Nini for a bit before they reluctantly settled on EJ's pristine white sneakers. "I would have normally asked Nini for this but – and you can say no by the way I'd completely understand – it's just..."

Ricky looks around again before leaning closer to EJ and shakily whispering, "Do you have any tampons?"

And just like that, the walls that were built around a certain Ricky Bowen were starting to crack. And EJ was allowed to see the smallest snippet of the kind of vulnerability that Ricky was capable of.

And it was the kind of vulnerability that he could relate to completely.

"My emergency stash is in my locker," He says, hastily packing up the rest of his things while Ricky continues to stand there dumbfounded. When EJ turns back to him with his own bag over his shoulder, he could see that there are a few unshed tears shining in Ricky's eyes. EJ softens for a second, knowing how difficult it must have been for Ricky to come to him for something so private.

"Come on. I'll even guard the bathroom for you." Ricky eventually follows him after a few seconds of just staring at his back and they fall in step around the corner. Ricky stays silent, fingers all fidgety and eyes still darting around like they'll be caught any second. EJ, instinctually, wraps a comforting arm around Ricky's shoulders. Ricky doesn't relax immediately but they do lean a little closer, somehow finding the weight of EJ's arm around them safe.

They eventually reach EJ's locker and Ricky smiles a bit because it's directly across from Sharpay's famous pink lockers. "Did you choose this spot specifically for Sharpay's lockers?"

EJ glances behind him and chuckles, rummaging through his stuff. "Oh yeah. If you say Ashley Tisdale three times in a row while touching her locker, you're guaranteed good fortune for at least a week."

Ricky looks at him with a smirk. "Have you tried that before?"

"Every year during finals week. I'm telling you, that shit works."

"Or maybe you're just really smart."

"Maybe," EJ says, finally locating his emergency stash of period essentials. "Or maybe it's just Ashley Tisdale bopping me to the top."

That's when Ricky lets out a laugh — an honest to god booming belly laugh that makes EJ pause just to stare at him. They look... nice like this. Without the worry lines and longing gazes at a girl who won't give them the time of day. They look just like a little kid, carefree and alive despite the world crumbling all around them, and EJ feels a weird surge of pride at being the person who made Ricky laugh like that.

He wants Ricky to laugh like that more. He wants to be the person who makes Ricky laugh like that more.

And so the walls around Ricky crack a little further, and the drawbridge is opened for one weary traveler to come in.

EJ doesn't notice the cracks on his own walls, nor the knowing little princess who watches from the east tower, smiling.

--

"Hey, what are your pronouns?"

Ricky doesn't look up from their practice skateboard, concentrating hard on their balance. "I don't have any. I'm just Ricky." They look up though, giving EJ a warm smile. "But go ahead and use any pronouns with me. I don't mind if it's you."

"So would you mind if I call you your majesty?"

EJ doesn't miss the flush on Ricky's cheeks at that and definitely doesn't miss the way they say "I'd like that very much." with the barest hint of embarrassment.

"Okay," EJ says with his chin propped up in his hands. "Your majesty."

Ricky falls off of their practice skateboard then, soon glaring up at a cackling EJ still with a blushing face.

--

EJ forgot his binder today.

And his body loved reminding him every time he took a step.

Thankfully, there wasn't going to be water polo practice today and he could get away with wearing multiple layers to school. But even with the sports bra, the t-shirt, the sweatshirt, and the letterman jacket doing a good job at making his chest look flat, he still felt his skin crawl looking at the mirror. His jeans hugged him a little too tightly, forcing him to notice the still feminine curve of his hips. His sports bra was a tad smaller than the last time he wore it, so the pinch at his chest doubled in size.

EJ resolved that he was not going to have a good day today.

But today was tech rehearsals and he couldn't ditch that. He was starting to really enjoy rehearsals now that he and Ricky are on good terms. Even the stage managers ask him to hang out with them time to time outside of rehearsals. EJ actually felt like... he really belonged somewhere now. And he wasn't going to let this ruin it for him. Not today.

"Hey EJ," He heard Nini say to him as he got out of his car. "What's with all the layers? It's pretty hot today."

"It's one of those days, Neens." He says with a heavy sigh and Nini just grabs his hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. Ricky rolls up to them two seconds later, their head suspiciously missing a helmet.

"How many times do I have to tell you to wear a helmet when you're skateboarding, Ricky?" EJ tries to scold the junior despite this weirdly overwhelming fondness growing inside of him every time he even looks at Ricky now.

"Haven't gotten into an accident yet," Ricky shrugs, smiling politely at Nini and changing it into a cocky little smirk the second they look at EJ.

"Yet being the operative word here," EJ rolls his eyes and opens his trunk for Ricky to stash his board in for later. "I won't drive you to the hospital if you end up getting a concussion for not wearing a helmet."

"Yes you will." Ricky says, knocking their shoulders together. "You love me!"

EJ freezes for a bit but before he could even respond, Ricky is already catching up to Big Red and Gina, waving back at EJ and Nini with a wide grin. EJ stares at him for a few seconds, not quite sure how to process the last few moments, until Nini waves a hand in front of his face.

"Hello? Earth to EJ?"

"Huh?"

"Care to share with the class what's going on?" The little smirk on her lips says it all and EJ was not going to fall for that.

"Nope. There's nothing to share."

"Mhm," She says, looping her arm around EJ as soon as he closed his trunk. "Of course there isn't, EJ." Nini pretends not to see EJ staring at Ricky as they walk into school. EJ pretends to not notice that she's pretending to not see EJ pretending to not overtly stare at Ricky.

Besides, EJ has gotten pretty good at pretending.

--

Aaaannndd that's it for now. I hope you guys liked that! I really enjoyed exploring trans!ej and genderqueer!ricky through this au and it means a lot to me. Maybe next time I'll write something in ricky's pov but for now thanks for reading !!

[jokertrap-ran]

(光与夜之恋 Light and Night) Charlie’s 6✩ Inspiration: Midsummer’s Gilt [仲夏鎏金] Date Translation (END 4: Listen)

“Why do you have your eyes closed again? Sleepy? Go ahead and take a nap then. Remember to dream of me.”

*Light and Night Master-list | Charlie’s Personal Masterlist *Spoiler free: Translations will remain under cut *Join the Light & Night Discord (＾▽＾)~ ♪ *6✩ Inspirations have 6 Endings!! *Charlie’s tag will be #For Night, For Paradox

✥ Choice: Listen [倾听] ❖ASMR

What should I do? How should we spend the rest of the time?

⊹ Ask him if there's anything he wants to do ⊹

Thinking about it now, I still feel like it'll be better if I let Charlie decide what he wants to do instead of following my plan.

MC: Hey, let me ask you something. Do you have anywhere you want to go? Or… anything you want to do?

Charlie: Oh? You're prepared to fulfil a wish of mine for me?

MC: I guess so? I mean, heaven is big, earth is big, and the birthday star’s is the biggest.

MC: Oh. Anything but marriage!!

Charlie: You’re setting restrictions on my only birthday wish in a year? How cruel of you.

MC: Not like I can help it. Who told you to be the most vicious queen of all time, hm?

Charlie helplessly shakes his head, lowering his eyes in thought before looking back up at me.

Charlie: What I want to do today is very simple.

MC: ...Which is?

I don’t know if I was just imagining it, but I suddenly felt like I just saw a sliver of mischief flash across his eyes.

Charlie: Come with me.

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ∘◦ ✥ ◦∘ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

I followed him back to the farmhouse and out into the yard. Charlie immediately settled himself on the deck chair.

I watched him suspiciously, not understanding him at all.

Charlie: Come here. Let’s lie down together for a while.

MC: This is the one thing you want to do the most today…?

Charlie: That's right.

Charlie: I’ve been dragged and pushed around for the entire day. I just want to have a good moment’s rest with my fiancée.

The deck chair wasn’t exactly small, but it’d be a slight squeeze to fit two people on it.

I was dubious about it for a while.

Charlie: Hmm, looks like being the birthday boy doesn’t help at all, huh.

He sighed, watching me. I stood rooted to my spot. It was rare enough that I got to look down at him, but the look he was giving me was a little like a kicked puppy...

Never mind. Heaven is big, earth is big, and the birthday star’s is the biggest.

Mentally reciting the phrase again, I closed my eyes and laid down next to him.

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ∘◦ ✥ ◦∘ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

Charlie: And here I thought that you wouldn't agree to it.

Charlie: Why are you closing your eyes for? Am I that ugly?

Charlie: A handsome face is right beside you, and you're not even going to admire it?

Charlie: Are you really not going to look at me?

Charlie: Not bad. You "woke" in a timely manner. If you hadn't done so, then I'd have…

Charlie: What CAN I do? Have you never heard of the fairytale called "Sleeping Beauty"?

Charlie: You moved over to give me more space? How rare of you to be so considerate towards me.

Charlie: What? You get mad when I speak and feel uncomfy when I don't.

Charlie: *Sighs*...Never mind, my dear fiancée can only be coddled by me after all.

Charlie: What do you want me to talk about? My mood?

Charlie: Much better than I thought it'd be.

Charlie: Are you uncomfortable?

Charlie: Then come over here a little more…

Charlie: I know I said "a little", but you've only moved just a mere millimetre, haven't you?

Charlie: Any further and you'll-

Charlie: Alright, stop moving.

Charlie: Move any more and I'll just have to fall off with you in tow.

Charlie: I won't move, but you can't go making me loosen my grip on you either.

Charlie: Why do you have your eyes closed again? Sleepy?

Charlie: Go ahead and take a nap then. Remember to dream of me.

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ∘◦ ✥ ◦∘ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

After dinner, the night gradually grew darker.

Having changed into my pyjamas, I was just about to close the windows when I suddenly heard a commotion coming from outside.

It sounded like a lot of people were gathered in one place, chattering along with the joyful cries of children.

MC: What’s going on!?

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ∘◦ ✥ ◦∘ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

Curious, I crossed the yard and walked out of the back door. I was immediately dumbfounded the instant I opened the door.

The originally empty plain had somehow accommodated a helicopter from somewhere. Charlie was standing by the helicopter’s door with his head bowed as he adjusted his shirt collar.

There were many villagers from around the area beside him. The old, the young, the boys, the girls; some of them taking photos, some of them discussing within their midst.

Little Boy: Big bro, do you really mean what you said earlier?

Charlie: But of course; I never lie.

Little Girl: Wow! I’m gonna get dad to bring me to a good spot right now!

Little Boy: Wait a minute, me too!

A couple of kids fussed about wanting to get to higher ground, to which Charlie only smiled at. The sides of his mouth curled upwards as he let out a soft snort, an inconcealable look of pride on his face.

Suddenly, I can’t help but have a very bad feeling about this new turn of events. I subconsciously turned to flee.

Charlie: I haven’t even gone looking for you yet, and here you are.

Charlie: Looks like we truly have an affinity with each other.

A big hand lands on my shoulder, making me unwittingly turn around only to face his triumphant expression.

MC: And what are you trying to pull again? What’s with this helicopter here?

Charlie: I’m going to take you for a spin.

MC: ……

MC: I’m going to bed. Good night.

I turned to leave again, but the same hand landed on my shoulder once more, this time backed with an irrefutable strength as he dragged me up into the helicopter.

Ten minutes later.

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ∘◦ ✥ ◦∘ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

Chuf, chuf, chuf.

The sound of the helicopter’s propeller reverberated in my ears. I’d eventually given up struggling against him; and now, I sat next to him blankly, decked in pyjamas and slippers.

Charlie: Why so quiet? Are you scared of heights?

MC: Har, har, very funny. Just think of it as me being sleepy.

Charlie: Then, you’d do well to wake up; because what’s coming up next is something worth remembering for a lifetime.

MC: …What?

Charlie: I did give my birthday some serious thought.

Charlie: While it’s true that I don’t like attending birthday banquets, it is not in line with my personality to spend my birthday in such a low-key, simplistic, manner.

MC: ……

Charlie: Plus, my fiancée worked so hard to prepare so many surprises for me. So, I have to give her a gift in return, won’t you say?

He’d only just said that when a loud bang sounded from outside the window.

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ∘◦ ✥ ◦∘ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

I saw fireworks blooming behind him, suddenly lighting up the night sky, as well as the hand that Charlie had started to reach out towards me.

My eyes widened in surprise. I’d totally forgotten that reactions were a thing. And that was how Charlie had pulled me over to admire the scenery outside the window together.

And that was how the gorgeous fireworks bloomed seemingly near, yet far. It was almost as if one could simply reach out and touch them.

The boundless night sky was skin to a long and endless river, while the fireworks resembled the starry sky, reflected on the surface of the river. We were seated atop a small boat, free to move and traverse this galaxy as we so wished.

I couldn’t help but raise my hand, pressing it against the glass window and fixing my eyes firmly to the fireworks blooming outside.

Charlie: What? So moved that you could cry?

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ∘◦ ✥ ◦∘ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

Charlie’s voice snapped me out of my reverie. I glanced at the handkerchief that held out before me and turned away with a huff.

MC: Thanks, but I’m not that easily moved.

MC: And these fireworks… It’s really beautiful, but please don’t do such overly exaggerated things in the future.

Charlie: So you’re already contemplating how to celebrate my future birthdays?

MC: I’m not…

My eyes dilated in rage, yet the flicker of flames died out the moment I raised my head.

Reflected within those twin violet orbs of his were the flashing lights of the fireworks… and two little reflections of me.

MC: Let’s leave the stuff next year… to next year.

Charlie: Don’t worry, you can have it every year.

The fireworks outside the window continued. Looking at the magnificent splendour outside, I suddenly remembered that I didn’t exactly wish him a “happy birthday” yet.

MC: Charlie.

Charlie: Hm?

MC: Happy birthday.

Charlie: Thank you.

This might actually be the first time that he has ever seriously thanked me for anything before.

My heart squeezed, immediately starting to race soon after. There was no longer any way to hide it.

MC: And there’s something else I want to tell you…

MC: Actually, I wouldn’t have known that it was your birthday today if you didn’t mistakenly think that I was making “longevity noodles”.

MC: I only agreed to go on a trip with you because I didn’t want to owe you any favours.

MC: And… I only decided to come here to this rural countryside to spite you because I knew that you’d be uncomfortable with it.

MC: And I didn’t prepare anything in advance as your birthday gift either…

I paused, not knowing how to continue. However, it was Charlie who carried on with the conversation, much to my surprise.

Charlie: So?

MC: So… Aren’t you angry?

MC: I clearly lied to you, in a way.

Charlie: My fiancée has been pondering hard and busying about like a busy bee today to celebrate my birthday.

Charlie: I don’t think there’s anything to be mad about.

I was stunned. For a moment, I didn’t quite know how to reply to him. All I registered was the soft thud of my heart as it skipped a beat.

MC: …I really don’t understand you sometimes.

Charlie: Then, I suppose you’ll have to put in more effort to understand me. After all, I can already understand you like the back of my hand.

Charlie: You can just tell me if you need help. I’ll get someone to collate my information and send it to you in a file.

MC: No need!

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ∘◦ ✥ ◦∘ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

I softly snorted, turning around to continue admiring the fireworks outside the window.

Even though I knew clearer than anyone else, deep down in my heart, that fireworks were nought but merely a fleeting moment of brilliance…

I still can’t help but hope…

To hope that everything would be etched into stone, preserved forever and evermore.

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ∘◦ ✥ ◦∘ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

✥ Choose another Ending:

END 1 | Choice: Do Nothing [都不做]  

END 2 + 3 | Choice: Approach [亲近] ⊹Touch⊹

END 4 | Choice: Listen [倾听] ❖ASMR

END 5 + 6 | Choice: Heart-throb [心动] ✩Light & Night★

❖☆————— ⊹ For Night, For Paradox⊹ —————★❖

Previous Part: Prologue

[lunar-lair]

ok say hello to my insanely new oc who ive made entirely to be a villain who is still an excellent adult and a decent parent, probably. cares too much abt kids. think reigen mob psycho with a drop or two of milla. worked under Nick From The Mailroom and was actually in on his scheme.

has always been rather cold and brash towards adults, but is more caring towards kids. in my brain he has a brooklyn type accent? rough and tumble, walks around without a tie, yknow? they keep him cause he sorts mail real good, though.

(added a read more because this got INSANELY LONG AKSKSK i spent like an hr on this h)

he was a delugeionist, but only because he kinda just wanted to rip the world apart a little; lysandre vibes, thinks a lot of it is scum and needs to go. thinks the *psychonauts* are scum and need to go. hes psychic but suppressed it, think aquato parents but extra toxic about it, and straight up just saying being psychic is unnatural. wouldnt go to loboto parent lengths tho. so he adopted that thought of 'being psychic is unnatural and wrong', which contributed to a lot of self hate that was never learned out. likely, he realizes hes a shitty person and thinks he needs to go too. so like...yknow hank, dbh? kinda the vibe im gettin right now. way more formal, of course, and while usually gruff, is more polite when its needed; can and *will* beat the shit out of you verbally in a factual way, though, and can talk more street-lingo if hes talkin to real thugs. (probably winged it on his own after failing college or smth, hes got the vibes.)

anyways, its this plot where he slinks off and starts planting mistrust in the psychonauts or something. and inevitably he just...shows up and starts kidnapping people. dismantling things from the inside and all that. he left and formed a group who also hated psychics at some point, likely friends of his parents and friends of friends, all from his hometown. all of them fight *insanely* dirty, and a lot of them are insanely vulgar. the kids are supposed to be kept away.

but theres a line to follow here.

this man is a fold to raz. hates the psychonauts, hates being psychic, adopted his parent's hate of psychics, hates the *world.* raz is young and unburdened and unjaded...mostly. hes not the shock of water some young characters can be when it comes to being the foils of other characters; think steven with a villain or something, right? but raz is sassy and a little jaded, and not total sunshine positivity.

hes a child this man could look down on and not be immediately annoyed by, who is worried by yet respects raz's realization of the world as it is, however little that is.

and yet raz is still his foil. he still mostly loves the psychonauts, despite it all, he loves being psychic, for the most part, he dodged adopting his parents previous values, he still seems to have an even view of the world as a whole.

raz is jaded, if only a little, but he moved past it and accepted that things could still be bright. this man is jaded, but he stayed in his stormclouds, never looked for the sun.

ok where. was i. RIGHT ok so. at the beginning of this...story? the man finds raz being talked down to by one of the office workers; someone with weak psychic powers whos insanely jealous of his prowess. an adult who envies the young prodigy. and theyre giving him some insane task to do, like cleaning all of the closets within the hour, but hes saved the world twice, so he smiles and nods along, because he said he would help around the motherlobe, and this adult is asking him to do something that seems simple enough.

and this guy, internally, goes 'bitch.' for a good long second bc 1. dude even if you envy a kid, kinda fucked to show that?? not their fault 2. WHY are you asking a 10 year old to do that. why is there a 10 year old here. holy shit thats a 10 year old oh my god hes so tiny (no one told him there was a 10 year old because they knew hed stomp right up to management but. regardless. he is going to stomp up to management after this and no one can really stop him. except maybe raz well see)

so yknow. dude fixes his slight slouch and walks forward and politely tells this woman that 1. hes 10 why are you jealous of him and 2. hes 10????????? and shes like shit hes 10. and apologizes. and walks away

and raz is VERY ?? bc she was doing what? why is him being 10 important? and its that young part of you that gets pissed when people try to keep you from doing things because youre young and hes DEFINITELY yet to learn that piling responsibilites that should be handled by adults onto a child is fucked up in its own special way (looking at you ford, *nick*)

and the dude calmly explains because yea. he gets that. and he still sounds gruff and a little peeved but he squats down to razs height and he talks simply and factually, telling him straight on why it isnt right.

and. huh. people dont really do that for raz. except for sasha, sometimes, everyone likes to dodge the truth a lot with him, because hes 10, and sometimes, hes too nice to tug it out of them.

and this guy, this man that raz is already polishing a trophy for 'good adulting' in the back of his brain with his striking statements about how adults should handle things and kids should-kids should...get to have fun. not be traumatized.

for the shock on his face when raz said hed already saved the world a couple times, whats some closets. he reigned it in, said that its weird he saved the world, because thats usually their jobs.

and this guy offers his hand on instict before he stands up, even though he doesnt seem very sweet and kind like the adults that usually offer raz a hand. and he takes it, i think. he takes it.

warm. warm, a little nice.

reminds raz of his dad, maybe. he wonders if this man has any kids himself, but keeps his mouth shut, because he thinks he already has the answer, and its yes.

(he doesnt have any. he would wish he did, but he knows hed fail to raise them right.)

and when he stands, he asks raz what he was asking that woman for, and he says hes doing tasks around the motherlobe because his papers are still coming in. the man doesnt ask. (he knows what 'papers' means, realizes this is the tiny junior psychonaut every room in the damn place has been buzzing about, and he has fucking words for forsythe.) he just offers for the kid to sort mail under his supervision.

and that sounds boring. at least, it usually would.

this man is interesting, and a good...person? a good adult? hes...hes new. hes new, and calm, and a little like sasha but a lot not, and he thinks he trusts him.

so raz grins and says yea, mail sorting sounds nice.

(debatably, raz does not take his hand. hes too jaded when it comes to adults. debatably, he does not feel any warmth from this man who has taught him every adult has been telling him wrong. debatably, im projecting. but thats the whole point of ocs, hm?)

and then holes crop up in motherlobe systems. people are kidnapped.

raz keeps seeing the strange man, keeps telling him things, keeps hearing back, gruff and factual and a little annoyed, but raz can almost-just-barely tell its not at him, with the way he talks.

he can tell. he can tell.

he can never tell. this man is making sure he can tell.

raz trusts the man, is still polishing that trophy for 'best adulting' he has settling in the back of his mind.

and then the man comes with a militia.

he did not seem jaded. he did not seem hateful. he never showed any anger or hate towards raz.

but thats because he knows kids dont deserve it.

an excellent moral or two. a rotten, broken heart.

and at first, they keep the kids away, because these people fight dirty, because this isnt their battle, because the man has been sending emails about why 15 year olds are in a secret psychic agency.

(he does not mention raz. by razs second visit, he had just marked the boy down as another reason to hate the psychonauts as a whole, and especially its higher ups.

hes also regretting his alliance to nick by about the third. if he had known the man would puppet a child as if they were a toy, he would have organized his own rebellion ages ago.)

but eventually, the psychonauts need all hands on deck.

they send the children to find the missing agents.

the interns are fought on the way. some of them avoid the child, know the boss would pummel them.

they get to the base, and the strange man, the one with the broken trophy for 'best adult' (still barely-polished, because hes still so sure) still nestled in the back of razs brain, is still there.

the junior psychonauts are spotted. one of the guards throws a few rocks aimlessly.

they surprise them. one almost hits raz.

its intercepted instead.

and the other junior psychonauts watch as this man, their enemy, a villain, in their eyes, reprimands the other man for even accidentally daring, for even trying. for doing something they might have done just a month or so ago, if they had decided he was too much weirder than they already had.

and he yells something like, "Why the hell is he even here?! This is an enemy base, of whats a rebellion! This is a *10 year old*! What kind of adult sends a child *near* something like that?!" and he truly sounds angry this time, raz finds. hes too angry to keep it in. he still sounds gruff and oddly proper. raz is standing there, arms hanging. hes baffled in a specific way, the way he was every time the man's brow furrowed when he mentioned a harrowing story, the way he was the first day they met.

and he asks, a little quiet, a little small, a reminder of how young he really is, "Why are you still trying to keep me safe? We're supposed to be enemies now."

And his brow furrows further before flattening out, and he tilts onto one leg, and he swears he almost kneels to a knee.

He cant believe it. He really cant.

"You're 10." he says simply, softly, that factual way. "You shouldn't even be here."

and raz pauses. the interns freeze.

"...well, here I am."

and i think...it would be so intriguing if this was done halfway out of the mind, because this man is so against anything psychic. it would be so *compelling.*

so raz steps forward and asks again, asks why hes doing this.

and the mans eyes harden, he tries to turn off that soft heart, trying to remind himself of all that he hates. because he hates the psychonauts, because he sort of hates the world.

and raz asks why he could ever hate the psychonauts, head tilted, before listing off the few he knows to be true. but other than that, how? and ok, the world sucks a little, yea, hes seen that, gets that.

and he appreciates that this kid isnt totally gung ho about existence.

but he hates that he isnt, too.

and its this back and forth. everything the man hates, why he hates it. raz saying why its good but admitting why its bad.

and hes swayed, just a little.

but the man stands up from the kneel hed inevitably instinctively put himself into, and walks forward, hand held out yet again.

"You shouldn't be in the Psychonauts," he tells him, soft, factual, brow furrowed. "Come with me. I'll bring you back to your parents, or wherever it is you want to go."

raz contemplates. thinks, for a long moment.

he grabs the mans hand, warm and firm, yet again, for a terrifying moment.

before he reaches up to slap a mental door on his forehead, and astral projects into it.

he thinks this man is good. thinks hes just jaded.

thinks hes the best adult hes ever met, one who just happens to hate a lot of things.

hes only 10.

hes not letting someone who can tell him so clearly whats wrong and right for adults to tell him go that easily.

aaaand yknow. raz does his razzy thing. learns about why the guy hates the world and the psychonauts and himself. helps him learn that its not all bad, that he was excellent to raz, and still is, that things can be bad and good all at once.

the man concedes that raz is very capable, very smart, and can do a lot. but that doesnt mean he should have to.

raz tells him, though, that he likes working for the psychonauts. its his dream. and he realizes some things he was told to do were kinda screwed up, now. that maybe, in honesty, he was dealt a bad hand.

but hes done what he can with that hand, and he ended up with a royal flush.

and uh! yknow!! then raz leaves his mind and he calls off the rebellion! its like a rhombus of ruin type adventure, except without the villain being present beforehand. its just not clustered in insanely close with a ton of other wild shit.

anyways this got really long? sorry?? its an oc i just saw good adult and slight father vibe potential in the vibe i instantly got on him and then i went feral???? rip maybe someone will read this and if you did. congrats i honestly really liked how the whole foil and good-yet-bad and consideration of raz being 10 thing worked out. this oc is almost like our representative in the psychonauts world the way reigen is for the audience in mp100. yea :) i match them up a lot but thats just cause they vibe a lot. anyways its 1:40 am now and i spent abt an hour on this hope it vibed mildly byeeee

[flowercrown-bard]

I Scream a Truth, You Hear a Lie - bonus chapter

for @ban-aard  <3

read on AO3

previous

this takes place way before any of that fake-marriage nonsense. This is the real moment Geralt realised he was in love. So it can be read as a stand alone one shot

content warning: mention of animal death (falsely assumed by a character. No actual death)

“And who’s this lovely lady?“

Geralt rolled his eyes. “That‘s Roach.”

Jaskier snorted and put his hands on his hips. “Listen Geralt, I know that it’s been a while since we’ve last seen each other, but I am fairly certain that I remember Roach being a lovely shade of brown and not grey.” Jaskier let a moment pass before he gasped, clutching his chest in that overly dramatic way of his. “Geralt! Are you cheating on her?”

“I lost my old Roach.”

Immediately, Jaskier’s playful demeanour dropped and his grin was replaced by a furrow of his brow.

“Oh,” he said, his voice uncharacteristically small. “Geralt, I’m so sorry, I wouldn’t have made fun of it if I’d have known. I know you loved her.” He took a step closer in the way one would approach a wounded animal. “Are you alright?”

There was a brief moment of hesitation before Jaskier reached out to touch Geralt’s arm, just for a heartbeat, just long enough to make it clear that he was offering comfort, before pulling away again. It was strange, but after being apart from Jaskier for so long, it felt…nice. Geralt almost found himself wanting more of that touch. Which was a ridiculous thought, of course.

Before he could do something stupid and catch Jaskier’s hand mid-air, Geralt grunted and turned away, but something about the crestfallen expression on Jaskier’s face made him stop.

“She didn’t… she’s not dead, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Geralt said awkwardly. There was something uncomfortable of having Jaskier’s eyes so intently on him. It made his heart beat harder against his ribs. Geralt found himself wanting more of it, but he turned away harshly, leading Roach over to a tree he could fasten her reins onto. It bought him enough time to get his heart back under control enough to go back to Jaskier.

“She’s not?” Jaskier’s eyes lit up as if he had just been announced winner of a bardic tournament. No, that wasn’t right. Geralt had seen him at such an event once and the look Jaskier had on his face now was so much brighter than it had been back then. It did something to Geralt’s chest that he couldn’t quite name, didn’t want to name. “But you said you lost her?”

Jaskier said it so tentatively, sounding almost as if he was truly concerned for Geralt or his horse.

Geralt huffed, rolling his eyes. “I lost her at Gwent.”

For a long moment Jaskier just stared at him, before he narrowed his eyes. “You’re shitting me. Geralt, you can’t joke about Roach like that.”

“It’s not a joke.”

“Come on. I watched you play and listened to you get all excited about all the strategies and tricks of playing Gwent for years and in all that time not once have I seen you lose a game.”

Geralt shifted and crossed his arms. He didn’t need to justify himself to Jaskier and there was no need for his stomach to twist in that way when Jaskier mentioned listening to Geralt. After all, it wasn’t as if Jaskier had ever complained about Geralt talking about Gwent. In fact, he had always seemed rather interested in what Geralt had to say and he had only ever seemed disappointed when Geralt realised that he was getting carried away and shut himself up.

Jaskier cocked his head. “Alright then. Who was this mysterious Gwent champion who defeated you?”

“Why do you need to know?” Geralt said, sounding perhaps a little more self-conscious than he wanted. He quickly tried to cover it up by adding more playfully, “About to write a sing about how I lost a game?”

“No,” Jaskier said, his face set in determination. “I am going to challenge that person to another round of Gwent and win Roach back for you.”

Something in Geralt’s chest stuttered and his mind was unable to form words. He could only stare at Jaskier.

“You really mean that, don’t you.”

“Of course,” Jaskier said without hesitation. “Roach is your friend. So, who is it? Who has Roach?”

It didn’t make sense. There was no reason for Jaskier to get so worked up over Geralt’s horse. The bard had never even gotten along with her, always complaining about her almost nipping his fingers or chewing on his expensive doublets. But thinking about it…despite all of his complains Jaskier had never stopped approaching her and trying to win her over with treats, silly songs about her beauty and the promise of scritches.

“Roach is with a farmer,” Geralt said slowly. “A retired one whose old fields are now over run with wild flowers and all that.” There really was no need to add that, but seeing a smile spreading across Jaskier’s lips and getting wider with each word made it impossible to stop himself. “The farmer’s son played me for Roach, saying his mother needed her to get to the market every once in a while. And that she could need a companion.”

A strange look passed over Jaskier’s face. It wasn’t exactly uncomfortable and yet it made Geralt want to look away. Or to keep looking until he understood.

“So…” Jaskier drew out the word, his eyes searching Geralt’s face. “Roach is on some old farm somewhere happily munching on some flowers and keeping an old lady company?”

Geralt hummed.

“Well then. Maybe…maybe I won’t challenge anyone to a game of Gwent anytime soon then.” Jaskier gave him a lopsided grin. “After all, how could I defeat someone even you lost to? Which I am sure didn’t happen because you were wilfully holding back.”

“Of course not,” Geralt growled, his weak pretence of being annoyed fooling no one, even if he weren’t already betrayed by the smile tugging at his lips.

“However, if you were willing, I would play a round of Gwent with you?” Jaskier said, fiddling with the hem of his doublet.

Geralt’s eyebrows rose. “Since when do you actually want to play?”

“Since I have something I want out of it.”

“Oh?”

Jaskier raised his chin in a challenge. “If I win you are going to tell me everything you know about your new Roach so that I can already begin to befriend her?”

Geralt’s lips twitched and he pulled out his deck, shuffling it.

“And if I win?”

Jaskier heaved a heavy sigh. “If you win, I promise to grand you some blessed silence and not to sing at all until we reach the next town.”

Geralt smirked at that. He was almost tempted to make the game quick and brutal, just to watch Jaskier’s cocky smirk change into that pout he sometimes got. And a small part of Geralt didn’t want to tell Jaskier about how to bond with Roach.

It hadn’t exactly been a bad experience to watch Jaskier coo over his old Roach and do his best to get her to like him. If Geralt was being honest with himself, those evenings where Jaskier’s face lit up because Roach had let him stroke her mane were ones he had thought of often when he had found himself at Kaer Morhen and strangely enough missing the presence of the bard who had somehow wormed himself into Geralt’s life.

He would love to add more such moments to his memory, of Jaskier trying to gain his new Roach’s favour all on his own. But on the other hand, the way he looked at Geralt so hopefully now made his throat tighten. And for some reason Geralt couldn’t shake the thought that it was important that Roach and Jaskier got along. They had to, if they all were to travel together for the next couple of years.

The thought sent a strange pang through Geralt. The next couple of years.

He risked a glance at Jaskier who rolled his eyes and marched over to Roach, holding his hand out to her and watching with bated breath as the grey mare came closer and nuzzled into the touch.

Geralt couldn’t fight his smile when Jaskier turned back to him, a huge grin on his face. A sudden tightness in Geralt’s chest made it difficult to breath.

He didn’t want to lose that grin in a couple of years. He didn’t want to lose the shared laughs and the songs around the campfires at night. He didn’t want to walk the Path without knowing Jaskier would be there waiting for him at an inn with a worried look and the gentleness of his hands as he stitched him back together.

He wanted to keep all of it. Wanted to keep Jaskier.

How could he not want that, when for years Jaskier had been his best friend, the person whose ridiculous outfits and endless tirades about his bardic competitors made Geralt’s heart skip a beat. When Jaskier was the one Geralt –

Oh.

Geralt’s hands stilled and his heart clenched.

He couldn’t tear his gaze away from Jaskier who by now was throwing his head back laughing as Roach tried to eat his hair, his eyes twinkling in mirth.

Oh.

How could Geralt not have known before? How could he have ever been stubborn enough not to give a name to that feeling he got every time he saw Jaskier again after a long winter? Every time Jaskier accidentally bumped shoulders with him or gave him a smile when others only scowled at him?

Seeing Jaskier now, it was so easy, so obvious.

Jaskier was an idiot. He was ridiculous and loud and gods, Geralt loved him.

“Hey Geralt,” Jaskier called over, interrupting Geralt’s thoughts, though the shout couldn’t take away the warm feeling flooding Geralt. “Are you done shuffling your cards yet? I’d almost think you want to buy yourself some time until your second defeat.”

Jaskier gave him a wink and poked the tips of his tongue out.

Geralt froze, transfixed.

“I’m ready,” he said, hoping Jaskier didn’t notice how strangled he sounded.

-

Geralt lost the game.

He accepted Jaskier’s gloating and bragging with a roll of his eyes. When they were back on the road and Jaskier was composing a new song about how Geralt had been defeated by a bard, he allowed himself a smile.

How could he not? Geralt’s deliberate loss at a game was not a bad price to pay for seeing his love happy and maybe having him in his life just a little bit longer.

[docholligay]

Divided by Four: Thirty-Six

 I AM DONE WITH THIS YOU ARE FREE OF HAVING TO SEE IT

Lena Oxton would never have another birthday, and this was an odd thing to think about. 

It was one thing, for Tracer, to know that she was dying--she had known that for what seemed like an age now--but quite another for her to know that there were some things she would never do again. The early ones, she hadn’t known, really. The last time she would get on her motorcycle. When she would last trust herself to fly. That final walk down the hall without help from anyone or anything. These lasts had come without announcing themselves, and so Tracer had not gotten the chance to savor them appropriately. It was a mistake she was trying not to repeat, as she felt the sand slip through the hourglass now. 

So it was comforting, in a way, to know that this would be her last birthday, even if it felt strange to admit. Tracer had resolved to drink in every instant of it. 

She’d told everyone that it was silly and a little wasteful to bring her gifts, given the reality of the situation, and really all she wanted was to be around her people and drink a beer or two, have a few laughs, and for no one to get too misty-eyed. There were a number of things about dying that Tracer didn’t particularly care for, but one topping the list was the way people mourned her before she was gone, when all she wanted to do was enjoy whatever she had left without sadness. There was no point, so she thought, in being so sad over the last bits of something lovely that you ruined it for yourself. It was rather like a child whimpering while eating the last squares of a chocolate bar. So the only gift she had asked for, was for no one to cry in her view, and on that they had delivered. 

But also, people had brought gifts. Nothing fancy, really, mostly soft pajamas and blankets, a nice lotion, a particularly plush backrest pillow she was already making use of, things that spoke to both the reality of the situation and the inability of the people who loved her to let it pass by without making the most of it. Her uncle had made her a coconut strawberry cream cake, and she’d even managed to eat some of it. Pharah had made sure to tell her she had better live long enough to use the thick flannel pajamas she’d bought, as she’d had her father send them from Canada. 

“Or you’ll do what, exactly?” Tracer had grinned as she said it, “Piss on me grave? Well, I’m being cremated, so even that’ll feel a bit ‘ollow, now won’t it?” 

Everyone had laughed, even Winston, who seemed to taking the whole thing rather hard, however much Tracer joked that he’d been taking care of her for the last ten years and really should enjoy his retirement. But mostly, it had been a good day for her, and if she was feeling a little misty herself, it was nothing but the idea that she was so deeply loved, and that not everyone got to experience that in their lives.

She was born under a lucky star, and the last year or so was only a bump in that road near the end of it, a bit like the jar before you leave the pavement. And even that was only her health, wasn’t it? 

Moira could take her life--and as happy as she was knowing Moira died never knowing how badly she had hurt Tracer, it did sting a bit to know that was how it would go down in the books--but Moira had never managed to take anything more dear to her. Her family. Her friends. The general sense that she was loved and cared for. Even her mind was sharp and busy as ever, which admittedly made her body’s disobedience a bit more annoying, but she was grateful to have her wits. People would remember her as herself. That was important. 

If anything, the relative frustration and pain of the last few months had made her feel all the more loved. Had showed that it must be true.

So nothing was all bad, really. 

Night had fallen over London, and as tired as she was, Tracer still could not bring herself to go to bed. Winston had asked gently if she was ready, and she had just shook her head and told him she wanted to stay up awhile. It was nice, this deck she and Winston had put together on the roof of the place. He’d doubted her, when she’d suggested the project, and wondered how he would ever possibly use it, and told her there was no need to put the work in. Sometimes Winston had to be talked into having nice things for himself. He probably would have approved the project so much earlier if he’d known how much time Tracer would spend up here. 

The smell of London filled her lungs. She should be more afraid of death, she supposed, but she could never quite let go of the idea that even when she was gone, she wouldn’t be. Not that she believed in an afterlife, really, but she also didn’t not believe in an afterlife, and she’d seen London built on its own ashes so many times, that she had to imagine that even when she was gone, the bombed out wall of what was left of her would be built around, become part of a Pret or a pub or even just a ruin where the pigeons nested. 

What was tough was knowing when the building needed to come down, which she hadn’t yet quite figured out for herself. It was one thing to be gone in an instant, a bomb dropped, a moment and then just the rubble. It was another to sway into disrepair, to try and pinpoint the day you had to tell those who had lived in your heart that there were homes elsewhere, and it was time to seek them. When the little joys of being were outweighed by the reality of decay. 

“Lena?” 

The lightness she felt at hearing her name in that soft brogue was enough to tell her that day had not yet come, and she would keep on for awhile yet. Tracer thought she might live one hundred years, and never tire of hearing Emily’s voice. It was impossible. 

“It’s grown late. You’ll tire yourself.” A kiss on the top of her head, and then Emily sat down on the edge of the daybed where Tracer found herself spending much of her time lately. 

Tracer chuckled. “Too late. Doesn’t take much anymore, it’s just,” she shook her head, “a bit aggravating, right? There’s so much I’d like to do in a day, not that I can do much of it anyway, but I’d like to at least imagine it. I get frustrated so--” 

Emily nodded kindly as she rubbed Tracer’s shoulder, tight with the constancy of spasms that ran through it, but as Tracer’s eyes flicked upwards, she saw the tears on the edge of Emily’s eyes. Not the time to talk about it. Never seemed to be.

Emily would miss her, and there was no real getting around that, no matter how she tried. Tracer had already spent plenty of time writing and rewriting a letter to be published when she was gone, Pharah sitting alongside her on her small laptop, to try and let Emily know in the most public way that she’d like her to move on, and wasn’t only saying it, that she meant it, nagging over the words until Pharah had offered to remove the burden of waiting for death from her. 

Pharah joked like that, more than most, because Pharah was kind, in her way, and knew Tracer needed someone to be able to joke with. It was a favor to her. When Tracer had told her, she had asked to be treated the same as ever, and to Pharah’s eternal credit, she came very close. 

“Never mind me.” she grinned “Tired and rambling, right? It was a wonderful birthday, Em. Marvelous, really. Been thinking back on me birthdays---I’ve been so lucky. I am so lucky. Thank you, for everything you’ve done, for it.” 

She was tired, and her body jerked and shook, but she was still, in this moment, the master of a failing plane, and managed to but her hand on Emily’s leg. Emily curled up next to her and rested her head on Tracer’s shoulder, letting out a little sniffle as she drew her arm around her.

“It’s not fair for you.” 

“Me?” Tracer kissed her forehead “Oh, none of that now. Not for me. What’s fair, any’ow? Should ‘ave been killed a thousand times over, love, but I wasn’t, Was I? Plenty were,” she muttered, half to herself, “And I noone in whole of me life ‘as ever wanted to ‘ear it but I’ve ‘ad the sense for years that I wasn’t precisely meant to get me pension. Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy if you like but I--really, who it isn’t fair to is you. Life’s been more than fair to me.” 

Emily said nothing, but wiped her eyes and took Tracer’s hand in hers. 

“I mean really, think about it. Not a bad life at all, on balance. Pilot. Top Flight Instructor. Commander. Bloody ‘ero of London. I lived more in thirty-six years than most people would if they ‘ad twice the time. So it’s all right. I made it all count. Course I want more, but, I do tend to rush through things, don’t I? Just me way, don’t stop to admire the view much. Some people are like that, like fireworks, or, oh I don’t know, a stick of gum. And,and at the fag end of it all, I get to be in London, taken care of instead of sent away, when by rights I should have been shot down, or shot through, or lost forever. To be sitting on a London roof in a pile of pillows? Not precisely the gulag, love, and I won’t be greedy. Em, look at me, please.” 

Emily sat up and looked at her, and Tracer squeezed her hand. 

“I lived long enough to find you, and to love you.That’s all that matters. I ‘ave led a bloody charmed life. I ‘ave. Truly. I could not possibly ask for more.” she grinned, “That’s a lie actually,  would ‘ave loved to get all the way through to the King so as I could watch his bloody face when I refused the knighthood publicly, but,” she chuckled, “We can’t ‘ave everything.” 

Emily gave a little chuckle and shook her head. “You’re awful, Lena. Happy Birthday. My prince charming.” 

“And it really was, Em. It is! What do you say,” she winced as she tried to sit up a little, her body jerking her back against the back of the daybed, until Emily balanced her, “What do you say, we ‘ave Win come up with that last bottle of champagne? Toast to ourselves till midnight? Just the three of us?” 

Emily nodded, the teeth poking thought on her smile. 

“That’s what I’d like to see, tonight. Thank you love. Just us three, and your smile.” 

The clouds and fog and too much light of London parted for a moment, just a few stars peeking through the grey and haze. They sparkled down on Tracer, who sparkled back a bit, the diamonds of the natural world. Bright against the night. 

Bit of light in everything.

[moonknightly]

mistakes and sour grapes : poe dameron x reader (six)

Word Count: 2.6k+

Excerpt: “You knew there was. You knew you were attracted to Poe, knew you wanted to have some kind of relationship with him. You figured he wouldn’t have been sitting on your couch right then if he had zero interest in you.”

Warnings: Mentions of sex but no smut, swearing, alcohol. That’s it?

[SERIES MASTERLIST]

It’d been a week since you and Poe had sat together on his office floor, and things were better. They weren’t great by any means, but they were at least better. You didn’t dread going into work anymore, didn’t contemplate quitting every single second of your shift. You weren’t lying in bed at night, staring up at the ceiling while your mind raced and your stomach churned. You no longer had anxiety over the thought of seeing Poe.

Not that you really saw him much more than you did before — he still spent his nights upstairs in his office, away from all of the noise and the chaos, though you now understood that it wasn’t just because he was the boss and he could do whatever the fuck he wanted.

The only time you really saw him was when he helped you clean up every night; he’d started insisting on it, even though you told him he really didn’t need to. Everyone else was expected to close their positions without any help, and it wasn’t anything that you couldn’t handle on your own, but each time you tried to send him on his way he would argue that bartenders had the most closing duties out of anyone, and he was only sitting on his ass anyways. If he could help you get out of there quicker, he wanted to.

You thought he was just trying to make it up to you. You thought that maybe he felt like he owed you something for helping him get through his panic attack, and while he didn’t, of course he didn’t, if it helped him feel better, you’d give it to him.

You usually ended up walking out together since he helped you close, him going his way with a quiet “be safe” while you went yours, so when you turned left with him instead of crossing the street to head towards the parking deck, he raised an eyebrow.

“What are you doing?”

“Walking home.”

Poe’s other eyebrow met the first. “What street do you live on?”

You told him, and if his eyebrows could’ve shot up any fucking further, you were sure they would have.

“That’s like, a twenty minute walk.”

“It’s fifteen and-”

“And it’s midnight.”

“Poe, I’ve walked home before.” It was relaxing, and sometimes it felt pointless to drive the short distance to work when you could just walk.

His eyes widened almost comically, and you couldn’t tell if he was exaggerating or if he was truly shocked. “Yeah, but I didn’t know that!”

“You’re walking home too!”

“Yeah, but I have a vicious attack dog and I’m not a fuckin’ gorgeous woman-” Your heart stopped at his words, but you were almost positive he didn’t even realize he’d said them. “-and I’m only going three blocks, not twenty seven.”

“It is not twenty sev-”

“Close enough, sweetheart.”

“It’s like, thirteen-”

He interrupted you again, making a series of noises to cut you off before holding his hands up. “Stop arguing. I’m walking you home.”

You huffed, knowing that it would be pointless to fight him on it. He’d just follow you.

“Fine,” you sighed dramatically, trying to pretend like you weren’t secretly looking forward to the company. His company. “As long as you let me pay for your Uber home.”

“Who said I was Ubering?”

“Poe!”

You swatted his arm, and he only smirked, shoving his hands into his pockets.

Good.

Now you wouldn’t have to struggle to hold yourself back from reaching for it.

The conversation came easy enough, and you were thankful for it, glad that you were able to talk to him again without feeling drained afterwards. It was weird, how you kind of missed him while still not knowing too much about him.

The realization that you wanted to change that was just a little jarring. Your emotions, your feelings about him were constantly changing, evolving. Sometimes you weren’t even sure what you wanted from him, but you’d gotten pretty good at telling yourself that it was better if you just kept it professional, like he wanted.

But at the same time, you weren’t sure that you would ever call your relationship with Poe “professional”. In the short time that you’d known him, there was already too much there for you to simply just be boss and employee.

It was complicated, everything was still so complicated.

Maybe if you started trying to consider him a friend and not someone above you, you’d be able to find some clarity.

That could work.

But what if that was even too much for him?

“Did you seriously just ask me if we’re friends?”

Oh fuck, did you?

You glanced over towards him, trying to ignore the sharp angle of his jaw and the stubble that covered it, then to the street sign ahead of you. Just another two blocks.

“I guess?” you said quietly, furrowing your eyebrows. You really hadn’t meant to say anything out loud.

Poe snorted, shaking his head gently, though he was quiet for a moment. You weren’t sure that you liked his silence and what it could mean, but he didn’t make you suffer long.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’d say we’re friends. Wouldn’t you?”

You shrugged your shoulders. “I guess.”

“Ouch.”

You shoved his shoulder playfully, a small smile finding its way onto your lips. “I didn’t mean it like that, asshole. I meant-”

“You weren’t sure where we stand after everything that’s happened in the last couple weeks.”

“Exactly.” You nodded your head, sighing gently.

He was quiet for a moment before nudging you with his elbow, his eyes staying focused on the sidewalk in front of you. “Friends. Okay? We’re friends.”

You almost immediately nodded again, folding your arms over your chest. “Friends.”

The rest of the walk was silent, and once you reached your apartment, you took longer than necessary to find your keys in your bag. You weren’t ready to say goodnight yet.

But who said you had to?

“Did you want to come inside while you wait for your Uber?” you asked, not looking up from your bag, still pretending to hunt for your keys when they were really right there on top.

“I told you, you don’t need to-”

“I know I don’t need to, but I want to. It’d make me feel better. We could have a quick drink, get Bee some water...”

Poe looked down at his beloved dog — she was panting just a little bit, and could definitely use a quick drink. He nodded his head, rocking back and forth on his heels. “Fine, yeah. Yeah, that sounds nice.”

You smiled to yourself, trying to hide it from him. You finally grabbed your keys, almost positive that he knew you had simply been stalling. You quickly unlocked the door and led him inside.

Your apartment was a cute little garden level on a residential street, with original hardwood floors and beautiful exposed brick. It had the historic charm and character that the city was known for, but you’d made it your own in your decorating and design. It was your perfect little escape.

“This is cute,” Poe hummed from behind you, kicking his shoes off after watching you do the same. “Cozy.”

He wanted to use the word “safe”, but it felt weird.

Cozy worked.

You chuckled under your breath, setting your bag down in the entryway after pulling your lighter from it. You always lit a couple of candles after getting home, just one of the steps in your ritual to wind down from the day.

“Thanks,” you said, throwing the lighter onto the coffee table once you were satisfied.

Poe plopped down onto the couch while Bee sniffed around, and you couldn’t help but smile at how relaxed he seemed, glad that he wasn’t one of those people who tried to act like a robot when they entered a new space for the first time.

You excused yourself for a moment after getting Bee her water and Poe a beer to quickly rinse off in the shower and change your clothes, taking less than ten minutes total to do so. You slipped into a pair of sleep shorts and an old sweatshirt, pulling on your slippers to keep your feet warm. You thought about taking another minute to throw on your usual makeup, but quickly shook the thought from your head.

Friends. You were friends. There was no reason to try and doll yourself up for him.

But you also wouldn’t deny the fact that you were glad you decided not to wash your hair, so he didn’t have to see it wet.

You grabbed yourself a glass of cider before heading back to the living room. You could feel his eyes on you as you took a seat at the opposite end of the couch, and you pulled your knees to your chest as you took a long sip from your bottle. You suddenly felt self conscious.

And as if he could tell, he shook his head, sliding over a few feet until your thighs were almost touching. You couldn’t tell if the close proximity made your anxiety worse or better.

“Hey,” he said softly, elbowing you gently. “We’re friends. There’s no need to be nervous around me.”

You rolled your eyes. “Am I that fuckin’ obvious?”

“Maybe a little,” he shrugged, bringing his beer up to his lips. “You’re the one that invited me in, kid.”

“I know.”

Maybe you shouldn’t have. Maybe it was too soon for that. Maybe-

Poe interrupted your brief debate with yourself.

“I can go if you want me to-”

And you interrupted him.

“No-”

“I really don’t mind-”

“Poe-”

“I just, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable-”

“I want you to stay.”

Poe looked down halfway through your sentence, glancing between your eyes and his lap several times, and it was only then that you realized your hand was on his upper thigh.

Your stomach flipped with embarrassment. “Shit, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“Shit this is gonna be a lot harder than I-”

“What, trying to figure out how to be friends when we’ve fucked already?”

“We really need to stop interrupting each other.”

“Agreed.”

You both fell silent again, staring intently at one another, and once you realized your hand was still on his thigh, you pulled away almost hesitantly. Poe bit his lip, and you felt his fingers encircle your wrist gently before you could pull away any further.  

“You enjoyed fucking me, didn’t you?”

His question caught you off guard and brought heat to your cheeks, and you shifted in your seat, your eyes leaving his stupid brown ones, searching to settle on anything but him.

Poe tsked under his breath, bringing a finger underneath your chin, pulling your attention back to him. You could have melted right there. “Didn’t you?”

You almost whimpered, knew you would have if you tried to speak, so you only nodded your head as much as you could, forcing yourself to hold his eye contact again.

And he just watched you, for several long moments. You couldn’t tell if he was going back and forth with himself or if he was trying to gauge where your head was at. He finally sighed, slowly shaking his head from side to side, almost as if he were trying to talk himself out of something, but he pushed on.

“Look, it’s obvious that there’s...something between us-”

“Is it?”

You knew there was. You knew you were attracted to Poe, knew you wanted to have some kind of relationship with him. You figured he wouldn’t have been sitting on your couch right then if he had zero interest in you.

Maybe you just wanted to hear what his version of something was.

He narrowed his eyes, but his touch remained gentle as his fingers moved to actually grip your chin, the action exerting just a hint of dominance that had your mind swirling already.

“Yes. There is. Are you really going to deny that?”

You didn’t answer, though he didn’t really pause long enough for you to anyways.

“I don’t fuck anything that moves, sweetheart, and I really doubt you’re that kind of person either. I think you’re hot,” he deadpanned. “And judging by the way your breath just hitched, you think I’m hot too.”

“So you just want to fuck then?”

“No.” He shrugged his shoulders, tilting his head to the side. His thumb moved up to your lower lip and he traced it, though his eyes stayed locked on yours. “I do want to be your friend. And if that’s all you want, then fine. We can forget about this.”

You heard his unspoken “but”, and you quirked an eyebrow.

He sighed. “But...we could try that whole friends with benefits bullshit. If you wanted.”

You would have sank your teeth into your bottom lip if his thumb hadn’t been there.

“Poe the last time we had sex you acted like a complete ass afterwards. And said we couldn’t do it again.”

“First of all, you’re right, I was terrible to you after. So maybe that’s why I was trying to be a decent person by putting a stop to it before it happened again,” he sighed, dropping his hand away from your face and back into his lap. “We shouldn’t do it again.”

There was another silent “but”, and you waited patiently for him to continue.

“But, as long as we’re on the same page, what’s there to lose?”

Our dignity. Our friendship. Our reputations.

“Are you proposing we make an agreement?”

“Exactly.”

“Like, some kind of Fifty Shades type bullshit?”

“That’s a written contract, that’s different.” He shook his head. “I don’t think we need to sit down and write all that shit out, do you?”

You couldn’t help but chuckle. “No, I don’t think so.”

“Good,” Poe said simply, shrugging his shoulders and leaning back against the couch. He took a hefty sip from his beer, and you copied his actions, not sure exactly what you were getting yourself into, but it didn’t seem like a bad thing...

“I just have one rule.”

“And what’s that?” you asked, leaning forward to set your bottle down on the coffee table, just so you could look away for a moment.

“Don’t fall in love with me.”

For a second you thought he was joking, he said it so plainly, and you snorted in response. “You’re so full of yourself Dameron.”

“I mean it.”

You glanced back towards him. His expression was serious, eyes holding no humor. It was obvious that he wasn’t teasing you. He really was serious.

“That all?” you asked quietly, your voice hardly above a whisper, not knowing how else to respond.

He seemed to think about it for a moment, his hands twisting around the bottle in his hand over and over again before he took a final sip, finishing it off. “Don’t fall in love with me, and don’t touch the back of my neck.”

“I knew that one already.”

You were proud of yourself for acting so nonchalant.

Because keeping your fingers away from his neck, you could do. You could understand and respect a physical boundary like that. That was the easy part.

But keeping yourself from falling any harder?

You were fucked, given your track record.

But love was such a serious word that held so much weight, surely you could keep your crush at bay, keep it from developing into something more.

“I’m down, Dameron.”

He smirked gently, and before you had a moment to even process, he was pushing you down onto the couch, his hands finding your wrists and pinning them above your head with ease.

“Then what the hell are we waiting for?”

[orenstern]

Love, Miracles and Meditations: An Antidotal Reflection

“In this world you will have much trouble, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world”

- John 16:33

If there is ever a time when you feel you have much trouble, and it feels overwhelming, try if you can to turn your mind away from the trouble.

Try if you can to turn your mind back to what is yours and what is unique to you, as it is without trouble, as it is inherently, or just simply what it is you have and who it is you are.

Try to perceive your own unique world and self without the references that others might provide, without their categorizations. Even further, try to perceive this without your own categorizations.

Use the barest amount of adjectives or adverbs when looking upon your world and self this way, and so then try to give yourself a break from self judgment or doubt.

Look now where you are and simply write or say out loud or to yourself what you see. Here where I sit I might say:

I am sitting outside

The sun is getting low

The sky is without cloud

The flag is resting in perfect stillness

The birds are chirping

Many different kinds

Many different songs

A motorcycle just drove by

My neighbors are talking

I cannot make them out

My water glass is empty

I can smell the deck flowers and the citronella candles

I am sitting upright outside

Both feet are planted on the ground

I am nestled in my chair

My back is arched the way it should be

I feel now no pain

I feel now the air enter and leave my lungs in long deep and slow breaths

I like the way this feels

I can feel all parts of my body as I visit them feeling at peace

I feel my feet make unity with the ground

I feel my back and elbows make unity with the chair

I feel my nose and lungs make unity with the world around me

I feel this unity bring peace to my body and mind

I want to say thank you now to my world and to myself for this unity and for this peace

For I do know that right now in this moment I am relaxed and tranquil and feel good and for this feeling I am grateful

An exercise like this is where you will see the goodness and balance you’ve assembled but lost focus of. More importantly, you will see that this goodness and balance have never left you, but in fact surround and reinforce you, and was right there the whole time you were paying attention to your bother.

The problem of managing yourself in times of your own worry or bothers can and often does compound when you are in the presence of others, whether they be strangers or people close to you. And that is simply because the problem then becomes more dynamic. Your risk of feeling unbalanced or not feeling supported in your abilities to reattain your feelings of balance, increases if you feel that others in someway, whether intentionally or accidentally, are unbalancing you.

You may not immediately have the opportunity to stop what you are doing and take note of what’s happening, to do a scan of your world and self, and an exercise in gratitude after you discover that what you feared you had lost was actually always there.

There is an antidotal solution for this dynamic equation as well. It comes first not by dealing with the presence of a bothersome person or persons before you.

It comes by remembering that unbalance, bother, worry is the default state of neither your being nor theirs.

It comes by remembering that the default state of all beings is balance, and that while systems may tend toward unbalance, there are extraordinary ways available to us to reset that tendency back to its default state.

Say to yourself now, and repeat it often for it is true:

There are people we meet who are wonderful

There are people we meet who are kind

There are people we meet who are lovely

There are people we meet who are pure

There are people we meet who are genuine

There are people we meet who are compassionate

There are people we meet who are caring

These people we meet are real

These people we meet are everywhere

Love for people too is our default state, from which we may sometimes become distracted. And when we are able to look at people with love, we are able to both know and feel the richness of their being.

And this richness is so fulfilling you can actually experience them anew in your mind endlessly, anytime you wish and every time you recall them when you have regained your own balance.

You will see that they are not just people, but they are blessings. Miracles. And that their arrival in your life constitutes a miracle in your life.

You may never have consciously known how miracle a moment it truly was, their arrival, for it is not uncommon to wait for developing factual records of experiences, which has not happened yet, before assigning any value to the quality of the arrivals in your life.

Consider now how many things needed to happen for that person to arrive before you, which includes every moment that precedes this moment, all the way back to the beginning of Time.

If you can look at every first meeting and subsequent meeting with a person this way, it should seem obvious that these moments are special, and can be called a Miracle, or, Scientifically, an extraordinarily incalculable improbability, right?

So then, either way, it is safe to say that their presence in your world is a gift of some kind:

To yourself their self is a miracle; and

To their self your self is a miracle!

Therefore, on low days, whether it is yours or theirs, when things don’t go right, or your mood is abysmal, or luck won’t spark, or your giddy up won’t giddy up and go, or you’re just a little too introspective and self critical, dwelling too much:

If you then start to count your blessings, and while doing so you happen upon a remembrance of those miracle arrivals in your life, you will see yourself replenished, by and by.

This practice too is a gratitude practice and very good medicine, and you can do this too any ole time you want.

For you or anyone may be one who grapples with many things. And if so, may often be preoccupied, bothered, worried or angry even about a myriad inequities and unfairnesses in life, both personally and as they exist in general.

You may see clearly how it bothers you. Or you may not yet have it so clear. Others may see that it bothers you too. You may wonder if you are alone in being bothered by such things. You are not alone.

Others, depending on who they are, may try to seize upon your overt display of being bothered or worry or dwelling and project their own insecurities onto you, admitting little or nothing at all of that which bothers them.

For whatever their own reasons they would keep such things to themselves. And sometimes they might go a step further and say that your being bothered, to the degree that you are, is not normal.

Yes, it is an accurate observation that sometimes a friend can seem to be more a thorn than a rose petal.

To this, I would say first, it’s extraordinarily rare when a person comes to the table having nothing unclear or unclean on their conscience that they would be universally Right to cast a stone of judgment at you. However small or large that stone may be.

In other words, it is the rarest and most special thing to be observed by another while you are bothered by something and it be true that that observer is not in at least some way participating in their observation of your bother or distress with bother or distress of their own.

So pay little heed to the accusation, or even hint, that one may make of your bother being unhealthy or abnormal or that something is inherently wrong with with you for feeling as you do.

You can reset your self back to balance and find peace again, at any time.

But now here they are, pointing the finger at you, and that makes you feel extra bothered, right? Maybe anxious on top of it. Maybe irritated, or angry for something entirely different which might be captured in a rhetorical question like is

“How dare they?”

And then possibly additionally worried at this rhetorical question

“How am I going to reset myself with this person, or persons, doing what essentially amounts to acting like a bunch of monkeys on my back?”

The answer harkens back to remembering that this person who’s bothering you so much is in fact a miracle who you love.

Recognize that there is the highest probability that they too are preoccupied by some kind of worry, are frustrated all kinds of ways about and by it, and in most cases, they really maybe just need a hug or a kind word themselves.

They came to you, after all, looking for something. But what they found was that you too were preoccupied upon their arrival. So then to themselves, a torrent of new emotions may be tacked on to what was already on their mind. Feelings of guilt, frustration, anger, or shame. And all these could very well affect what happens next:

They turn into monkeys, right before your eyes, and hop on your back and start gnawing on your flesh (Most likely metaphorically of course!)

How to get out of the cycle of their agitation getting under your skin which agitates you to the point where you get right back under their skin, a tit for tat that could jump into tit for tats and become a real bad situation real fast?

Answer: Pay heed to this too being a Miracle Moment. There is an opportunity here for you to come out of your shell. To, at least, temporarily defeat your own worry and snap out of your own dwelling. All you need do is show another person charitable love.

A kind word, soft tones, a hug or a smile. Snap them out of what ails them by a gesture of love, and right then find yourself too snapping out of your ailment, and more.

For to console is to be consoled;

To grant peace is to be at peace;

To find a purity within yourself and inspire it in others, so that it may spread, not only to them, but also find its way through their actions and on to others beyond both you and them, and so on and so on—a charitable promotion of Goodness;

The practice of which is the medicine of Love and the feeling of its healing power that pools itself and laps gently by peaceful, relaxing, and tranquil waves.

This is a Franciscan discipline that derives from understandings of the teachings of Jesus Christ.

- Oren Stern

Closing

Peace Prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of Your Peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury -- pardon.

Where there is doubt -- faith.

Where there is despair -- hope.

Where there is sadness -- joy.

Oh Divine Master, grant that I may

not so much seek to be

consoled, as to console;

To be understood, as to understand;

To be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.

- Saint Francis of Assisi

[imagination-is-key-in-my-world]

Trauma

Authors Note: I mixed in parts of the book series for the fun of it. I hope you like it!

Request: Could you possibly write a Jace x Reader fanfiction where the reader has been through some trauma and gets triggered when making out with Jace?

Pairing: Jace Wayland x Reader

Summary: Y/N and Jace were together for quite sometime before Clary came onto the scene. It had broken Y/N beyond relief when Jace had ended the relationship upon meeting this girl. Her whole world is then turned upside down when Clary destroyed the boat and possibly her entire life.

Warnings: Swearing, some references to incestuous behaviour and physical and mental triggers.

Word Count: 6,092

I was on the boat that day. The day where something suspicious happened with Clary and Jace while they were talking with Valentine. None of us Shadowhunters really know the true extent of what happened to shake up our entire world during that battle. No one other than those who were down in the bunker with Valentine.

It is not like I was meant to be there, on that boat. The morning of the battle, Jace had come to my room at the institute and was practically on his knees begging me not to attend. He knew something bad was going to go down and at that precise moment, I put it all down to the thought that possibly he was trying to protect me from getting caught in the crossfire. But there was something there, something unnerving niggling behind his eyes.

I had seen that look once before. The night that we broke up, when he swore to me that he had no feelings for Clary. Since that day we had remained civil to one another but things were not quite the same between us. I loved the boy but he had forgotten all about me now that he had his sister on the scene. Which is why it was so confusing when he came to my room that night to convince me to stay away from the battle. He pulled out all the stops, he even called me by the nickname he gave me when we were together, ‘Darling.’

Just like the day that I first heard the nickname, I was putty in his hands. He could manipulate me that well with one word. The worst part was, I knew it. I knew I was a pawn and yet I almost fell for it yet again. Almost.

That night I had waited until Jace and Clary had left to go and see Valentine on the ship. The inquisitor was busy talking to Maryse about what to expect tonight, which meant that I had a couple minutes to find Alec and convince him to let me join them. Everyone knew that Alec had a soft spot for me, I was like his baby sister. Isabelle was stricter with me, she always prevented me from going on the hunts mainly because she was terrified that I would either get myself hurt or her. She was not as convinced of my abilities as Alec were.

“Alec, please!” I pleaded as he tugged at the bow that was sliding down my shoulder. “Something is going on with Jace and there is a reason he is trying to keep me away tonight!” Just like me, Alec knew what Jace was really like.

“I can’t just defy the inquisitor and give her another body to protect.” The way that he said body made me shake with a small sense of irritation.

“Hey!” Smacking his shoulder with the back of my hand. “I am not just a body! I can protect myself and you know that.”

It took longer than I had imagined to get Alec on side but all my best efforts and manipulation techniques that I had picked up along the way worked a saint. “You better not make me wish I handcuffed you to the bed.” Alec huffed as he handed me back my weapon of choice with a wide range of arrows to complete the deadly device.

***

“Save those kinky thoughts for Magnus.” Quickly I pushed myself up onto the tips of my toes to place a soft peck on his cheek. Something I had picked up along the way while growing up with Alec. It was the kindest thing I could do after all the manipulation I had done over the years.

I had not realised how bad the battle was going to be until I was there. Dozens of Shadowhunters were slaughtered by the demons that Valentine had summoned using the Mortal Instruments. It was possibly the most haunting thing I had ever seen in my entire life. I had witnessed my friends and family die for one another while Valentine’s demons did not give a rat’s ass. They were truly monsters of Valentine’s own creation.

“Try and find Jace, Y/N!” Alec shouted over the grunts and groans on the top level of the boat. “We need to get out of here before anyone else dies! Be-” Before Alec could finish talking, he was thrown across the deck by one of the larger demons.

“Alec!” I screamed as I could no longer see him. Tears filled my eyes when I did not receive a response from him.

“Y/N do what he said. Go find the others. I will stay with him.” Isabelle was shaking my shoulder trying to get me to move from my frozen state. “Hurry!”  

I finally register and begin running for cover. There were bodies everywhere, some that I recognised and some who I had never seen before. However, that did not make me feel any less queasy than I did within that moment looking down on their lifeless bodies.

Across from me, I could see a doorway that must have led downstairs where Alec had just told me to search. Sucking in a long painful breath from the smoke above deck, I ducked my head in and began to calmly run towards the murmurs that I could hear down the other end of the ship.

“Jace, Clary, I am your father, your own flesh and blood. How could you think these dark things of me?” Valentine failed sincerity with every word that he spoke. “You should love me the way that you too love each other.”

There was a dark look in Valentine’s eyes. One of utter disgust and almost a niggle of amusement. “Although, the way that you two love one another is impure, isn’t it my children?” Valentine watched and so did I as his eyes flicked between Jace and Clary.

I should help them. Try and get them out of there alive. But what I was hearing was the one thing I felt that I needed to hear from the day that we found Clary at that club. “Any father’s dream is for his children to be full of love for the other. But I think that you two take the cake for the most devoted brother and sister that I have ever seen.”

“Shut up, Valentine!” Clary screamed as she brandished her weapon from her jeans pocket.

Clearly amused by the whole debacle, Valentine continued to torment his children as I stood by in the shadows. “It is true, isn’t it Jace. You love little Clarissa in a deeply tainted way. What would the Clave think of that?” He taunted further. “You even broke up with that feisty teen from the institute just so that you could sneak around with your sister when all the doors were closed.”

I saw that look in Jace’s eyes. The same look he gave me when I asked if there was something between the pair of them. Defeat. “Stop talking, Valentine.”

“No, I don’t think I will. I quite liked that, Y/N. She was spunky, wait what was the word I used before. Ah yes feisty. Your mother was feisty. A good quality for a successful Shadowhunter to have.” Valentine perched on the edge of a table as he continued to peruse the annoyance and irritation on his children’s faces.

“Admit your true feelings and I will let you go.” Valentine raised his hands as if he were offering a simple transaction and not one that was completely demoralising for everyone who took part. “Lie to me and I will send my demons to tear your sister apart limb from limb.”

“She is your daughter; you would not do that.” Jace screamed at his father grasping fiercely onto his Seraph blade.

Valentine sighed and all I could do was stand there and wait for the admission that I asked for months ago and failed to receive. “You are my son, and she is my daughter. But right now, both of you are in my way so do as I say or you will all die.”

Clary ran across to Jace and pulled him in for a hug. My stomach ached harder. She did the one thing that I feared. She locked her lips on top of his. That was all the confirmation that I needed before my legs gave way and I plummeted to the floor letting out a soft but vocal yelp.

All the eyes in that room darted towards my hiding place. At least my yelp had separated Jace and Clary from their make out session. It all happened so quickly. Within seconds, Valentine had grabbed me by my hair and dragged me into the room with the two incestuous love birds.

Pulling back my hair to force me to stare at the boy I had loved for years clutching the girl he only knew for a matter of months and yet somehow loved her more. “What do we have here?” Valentine mocked as he knew the agonising pain that was now soaring throughout my body. Both physical and mental.

Jace leaned towards me. For a second, I thought that he was fighting to reach me, to save me even, but then he pulled back and stood alongside Clary with what was almost regret in his eyes. Almost. “Now don’t you think that little Y/N would like a front row show of what she had just missed?” Valentine taunted digging his blade into the side of my ribs.

“Don’t hurt her!” Jace spoke through his gritted teeth. “Don’t you dare hurt her.” On the word ‘dare’ Jace’s voice broke, I could hear the pain within his voice. But it was too late. He might care for me, but not like he cared for her.

Clary had out her mother’s stele and she was leaning against the wooden floor. Valentine was too busy marvelling in the chaos that he had caused to give his daughter the slightest bit of attention.

Jace’s eyes found mine and locked onto them. I could barely see him through the tears that were pooling in my eyes. It was over. He loved her, and I was nothing more than a memory to him. She was his present, and what might be his future.

“Open!” Clary screamed which was all I heard before the whole boat began to disintegrate into shards of wood. From what I can remember from that night, I was thrown out of Valentine’s grasp where I hit a rock-hard iron anchor. The pain that I experienced was excruciating, although the mental pain was almost as strong. I have lost him.

There was a loud crash and a boisterous cry from Jace as that giant anchor dislodged itself from the wall and landed on top of me. “Y/N!” His voice was getting quieter while the world began to get darker.

***

That was all I could remember from that day on the boat. Clary had done something to literally break apart the chaos that was forming both up and below board and yet I was the one who ended up in the infirmary for 2 months. I sustained major injuries and a few minor ones that were quickly healed with runes. But for the most of it, I was locked to that bed just like Alec had promised. Completely and utterly bed ridden.

I am not going to lie, I had visitors now and then. Although, for the most part of it, I was desperately alone. I had not seen Jace since that night. Alec showed up every day. He was my one constant that wasn’t just the drugs and horrible food I was receiving. Isabelle would pop by to gossip about how Alec and Magnus were becoming official even though their parents were not thrilled by the idea initially.

All those days cooped up there and I had not seen Jace. The one person I may have been delighted to see 2 months ago, but now I was not too sure that he was.

“Guess what?” Alec quizzed me behind his book that was positioned just below his chin. He had made his very own home from home set up in the corner of the infirmary. “I am not going to continue until you say, ‘Oh my gosh Alec tell me, tell me, tell me!’” He feigned a girly voice as if to impersonate myself. Picking up one of the cushions from the side of the bed, I threw it directly at his face. “Hey! I come here every day to help bring you joy and this is how you repay me? A cushion to the face?”

I laughed. I could always depend on Alec. He truly was my best friend here at the institute. Some days it even feels as though he is my only friend that I have here. “One, I do not talk like that; two, you are a jerk; and three, oh my gosh tell me!” I lived up to the fake voice that Alec had prescribed me.

Holding his hands up in defeat, “Okay I will tell you! Did you know that Clary and Simon broke up?”

“Why would I know that, Alec. You and Isabelle are the only people I see and this is the first that I am hearing this.” You pause and sigh. Simon was supposed to be keeping Clary away from Jace, and now he has basically opened the door for them to be together as they clearly do not care about the brother/sister relationship that they have.

“Alec? I am feeling a little tired. Do you mind if I get some sleep?” This was always the excuse that I used for Alec to leave, which he did even if he did linger slightly longer than he would have done.

“Alright. Love you peanut.” He kissed my forehead and stroked back my hair the way a brother would do for his sister. Everyone knew that if Alec had tried to do this to Isabelle, she would have snapped his wrist for being soppy.

I cried for a couple of hours after Alec had left. No matter how mean it was of me, I wanted Clary to stay away from Jace. Every time that I saw them together after we broke up, it broke me more and more.

***

While I sleep, I cannot prevent my mind from going places that I did not want it to. I could hear Jace’s voice clear as day. There was a sadness to his voice. Almost as if he were fighting back the urge to cry. “I have been such a dick, Y/N. I fucked up. I fucked up bad.”

In my dream he was holding my hand and squeezing it tightly. It felt so real almost as if Jace was really in the room with me holding onto my hand and speaking directly to me.

I turned my head slowly and let my eyes flutter open. “Jace?” My voice cracked as my body began to wake up.

His head was facing down when I first saw him but as soon as I spoke, he shot up and turned his head away from me. Lifting his hands up to his own face and then quickly replacing them to his hips. “Sorry, um.” He coughed still avoiding any form of eye contact with me. “I thought you were asleep. I will go. Sorry again.”

“Jace?” I whispered.

His head turned to face me and that was when his eyes locked onto mine. Even with his badass and fearless exterior, something flipped inside of that blonde-haired assassin. Those tears that I could hear in his voice that I thought were from my dream, suddenly appeared in his eyes.

I had not seen Jace cry in a long time. It was my kryptonite. Every time that I had seen Jace cry growing up, I always folded and any disagreement we were having would become irrelevant as I hated seeing the boy become so broken.

He stood there; his eyes locked onto mine as his tears ran down his face. “This is my fault. This is all my fault. You were hurt because of me.” His voice cracked in places and it shook over every word. I wanted to hold him and to tell him it was okay, but I always wanted to scream at him and to show him how much he had hurt me.

When I did not move or say anything he reached for my hand and pulled it up to his chest. “I miss you Y/N and I hate seeing you this way. Seeing you hate me.”

“If you missed me, where have you been for the past 2 months?” I cried letting my own tears fall from my eyes. “If you really missed me, you would have come to see me every day like Alec.”

Jace fell to his knees but kept hold of my hand. “I was here every day.” He whispered back. “I couldn’t face you hating me or possibly turning me away so I only came here when you were sleeping. I was here every day and every night while you were in the coma for the first month. I didn’t want you to be alone.”

“Jace, you hurt me.” I squeaked. “More than that anchor did.”

“I know. I am sorry, really, I am. One day I hope that you can forgive me.” There was something else though. Something he was not telling me; I could feel it.

“Jace, what is going on?” I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. It was getting more and more painful with every beat and breathing was becoming more difficult.

“Clary and I. We are not actually related. Valentine lied; he is not my father.” Fear washed over me. Without Simon in the way and now without the brother and sister barrier in the way, Jace was free to be with her. They were probably together now and this was his way to break it to me. My mind started going into overdrive. Thoughts kept entering my head with same speed that my heart belted in my chest.

“Y/N?” Jace screamed as my whole body started to shake. Then similarly to the boat fiasco, everything went black.

***

“What happened!” I could hear all the voices in the room but I could not see anyone.

“I told her that Clary and I aren’t related.” Jace’s voice was shaky, panic was clearly rushing throughout his body.

“You did tell her everything though?” Alec’s voice was booming in my ears as his protective brotherly mode was now engaged.

“I couldn’t quite tell her everything, once I told her the first thing this started to happen.”

“You have to tell her Jace! She fucking loves you, can’t you see that!” Isabelle chimed in. Glad to know that I was not subtle enough to slide past Izzy.

“I know! I am doing my best okay.” Jace barked.

“Magnus can you fix her?” Isabelle asked as she was clearly barking orders again at her brother’s boyfriend.

“I can but I will need some space. Y/N’s body has not fully recovered from the damage that she sustained on the boat. It appears that when an intense heart rate is inflicted her body begins to fail. I can help her with this one and do my best to fix the damage, but I cannot be sure that it will minimise the risks of this happening again. It is going to be a complicated spell, and even then magic may not even be her best option.”

“Magnus please.” Jace pleaded. “Do whatever you need to. I will do anything. I cannot lose her.”

***

I woke up to Alec’s head leaning on my shoulder. At some point after Magnus worked his magic, Alec had worked his way into my bed. Instead of waking up in the infirmary, I woke up in the comfortable and familiar surroundings that were my bedroom. Alec was snoring away on my shoulder but it was comforting to have him here with me.

I wiggled around in my bed to find Jace protectively watching over me from his armchair that he branded his spot in my room. There were dark circles under his eyes. I could tell that he had been awake for a long time which only made me more nervous as to how long I was out for. “Jace? What happened?”

It took Jace only a second to register that I was awake and looking right at him. “Hey, shh.” He said softly as he tried to avoid waking up Alec beside me. “Are you okay?” I nodded but it hurt a little to do so. Everything in my head was buzzing since the moment that I woke up. “I need to tell you something.”

My mind flashed back to the conversation that I was able to pick up once I had passed out. Although, I was sort of hoping that I had imagined it. “Before you got sick, I was about to tell you something.” I did not want to hear it. Jace’s face was serious, he was rubbing his chest as if he had indigestion or was having some sort of irritation from his t-shirt. “I cannot help but blame myself for you getting sick earlier. The thing is, I want you to know that Clary and I are not together.” He let his hand fall from his chest so that he could fiddle with his ring. “I knew it was not the right thing to do. We got into a massive fight when she said she wanted me to move away with her. I could not leave you. When you were in that coma, all I could think about was how much I wanted you to be okay. You were on my mind constantly. After the fight, I told her I did not want to be with her so she decided to move to Idris with Luke.”

I did not know what to say. That was a lot of information to take in all at once. “I want you to know that what you did on the boat, coming when I asked you not to. You put the fear of god into me. When I saw that anchor come down on you, I thought I lost you. I ran over to you but it had already done it’s damage.” He began to tear up as he wiped a stray bit of hair away from my eyes.

“I carried you out of there like a rag doll in my arms. I did not even know if you were alive and I had never experience anything as painful as that in my whole life. Y/N I was a wreck, you were the only thing that I cared about when that boat came apart. I realised then that you are the only thing on this god forsaken earth that I give two shits about and I thought I had lost you.” A tear dropped onto my arm as he no longer fought back the tears.

“What about Clary, I thought you loved her?” I questioned as the tears ran down my face. “What about her, Jace?”

He shook his head vigorously. “No. I don’t love Clary. At the time I thought I did, but it has always been you. I love you Y/N, you are my person.” My heart melted as these were the words that I wanted to hear from the minute that I laid eyes of Jace Wayland. “If you would let me, I would like to show you that I can be the man you want me to be. If you give me the chance, I can be the type of boyfriend you want me to be.”

Of course, I love Jace. I always have. The tears soaked through the collar of his shirt which did help his cause. “Jace, that has all I have ever wanted. But you broke my heart when you ended things, how can I be sure you won’t do it again?” Throughout the whole conversation and sobbing, Alec nevertheless laid perfectly still while letting his snores reach new volumes.

“I won’t.” Jace’s beautiful eyes searched mine, “I will not do anything to hurt you ever again. I promise. Please Y/N, I need you.” Jace Wayland the mighty Shadowhunter was showing his true feelings and how could I turn him away after that. He laid one hand on my chest and the other on his own, “I love you.”

“I love you too Jace.” Jace picked himself up from kneeling beside my bed and led alongside me in the bed. His arms draped around my body as he pulled me into his chest. I have never felt as safe as I did in that moment.

***

I woke up during the night to find that Alec was no longer beside me. However, Jace was still cuddled up against me with his arm protectively placed over my hips. I turned to face him, my nose now up against his. “Training starts in an hour, Jace.” I whisper to him.

His body began to stir as he registered my words. Instead of opening his eyes and trying to get out of the bed, Jace grabbed me and pulled me closer to him. “No, I want to stay here.” He grumbled, nestling his head into the crook of my neck. “Plus, you will just end up kicking my ass if we go down to the combat room.”

I push him away slightly as I begin to get excited to get back into training. Magnus had told Jace that if I felt well enough, I could start training again today. The only downside was that I prohibited to go out in the field for possibly a long time yet. I am already out of bed and in the bathroom before Jace can even notice that I am no longer beside him.

“Jace come on, I need to get back into this. I have done nothing for a whole two months. I think my legs are starting to seize up from being led down all the time.” Another grumble from the bedroom. I pick up my toothbrush and begin to brush my teeth. I gazed up at the mirror to stare back at my reflection. I had not seen my own face in days, I had dark circles under my eyes regardless of the amount of sleep that I was getting.

However, that was not what caught my eyes the most. It was the mark on my chest that made me stop dead. The toothbrush that I was once holding was now lying in the sink as I leaned in closer to the mirror to examine the scar. On my chest there was a long pink scar residing between my breasts. I knew for a fact that it was not there before the accident.

“Everything okay in there?” Jace called from the bathroom after possibly hearing the toothbrush hit the porcelain. I quickly discard my clothes and jump into the shower before Jace could see me or the scar. I turned on the water and let my mind go crazy. ‘Where was it from? How did I get it? It is so fucking ugly! I can not let Jace see it, what would he think?’ I push the thoughts away as I grab the towel from the side.

Jace appeared in the doorway as I stepped out of the shower with the towel already draped around my body. His moth was left open when his eyes searched my body. I tried my best to keep the mark covered with the towel. My cheeks began to flush and I was suddenly aware that I was naked underneath the towel. “You are absolutely beautiful, Y/N.” He declared as he decreased the gap between us both.

Jace’s hands rested on my hips while his eyes locked onto mine to ensure that his actions were okay. They were. His head began to drop closer to mine and once again that morning, our noses were touching.

My head jerked back when there was a knock on the door. Alec stood in the doorway holding his seraph blade in one hand and his bow over his shoulder. “Are you coming or what Peanut?” He shouted into my room.

I wave to him and tell him that I just need to change and I will be right out. I know he saw what was happening or what was about to happen and I could not be 100% sure, but I think that he had a slight glint of a smile creeping on his lips.

I turn back to Jace to see that he is disappointed. “When we come back can I have that kiss?” He asked me. I could not help but smile in response.

***

Training was my favourite part of the day. The only problem was how competitive everyone got. Jace was the worst. But today it felt as though he was going a little too easy on me and I was unsure as to why.

I pulled him aside after the third spar that we had where he clearly let me win too easily. “Jace what is going on?”

“What do you mean what is going on?” Jace was a terrible liar and he knew that I knew it. “Fine, it is quite embarrassing okay.” I raise an eyebrow as he continues to talk his way out of this one. “I keep thinking back to this morning and I, well it is quite uncomfortable to fight you when I am having to fight something else forming downstairs.”

My eyes gaze down his body and I finally twig at what he was trying to decipher to me without everyone else in the room hearing about his dilemma. “It doesn’t help that you are wearing an extremely short pair of shorts that is making your arse look desirable?”

I laugh a little at seeing him at his weakest during training. “It isn’t funny okay?”

I stop laughing when I saw that Alec had caught us no longer completing our training during our allotted time in the combat room. “Come on Alec will get annoyed if we don’t try and use this time wisely.”

Jace picked up his blade and held it out to you. “Go easy on me, would you?”

***

“Well you didn’t exactly go easy on me, did you?” Jace whined as he pulled his sweaty shirt off and threw it into his hamper. “If I knew any better, I would think that you knew exactly how to manipulate the situation.” He kept his back to me as he through on another clean shirt from his drawer. It was my favourite light blue shirt that he only ever wore around me when we first got together.

“Consider yourself lucky.” I protest as I discard my boots in the corner of his room. “At least I let you win once. That was generous of me.” I scrunch up my nose, the way I know he likes. Apparently, it makes me look all cute and innocent. When we first met, Jace told me that when I smile, I scrunch up my nose. He found it adorable and I caught his attention from an early age.

I felt the light touch of his hands slide around my stomach and laid delicately on top of my skin. His head rested on my shoulder. “I love you, Y/N.” He whispered into my ear. I do not think that I will ever get used to hearing him say those words to me. I turned around in his arms and hooked my own around his neck. Just like that morning, his head started to close the distance between our faces.

The feeling I got when his lips touched mine was almost as if someone had put the whole world on pause. We were the only two people in the entire universe within that moment. Do not get me wrong, Jace and I have kissed before. But this time it felt different. When our lips met I felt as though my heart was finally whole again. My whole body ached to be close to him.

It was not long before the kisses became more heated. I felt Jace’s hands become firmer on my hips as if he were holding me desperately close to him. Did he feel the exact same need that I did? I folded up in his arms and allowed him to direct me over to the bed where he gently laid me down onto the mattress without breaking the kiss once.

Between every other breathless kiss, he broke away to moan the words ‘I love you’ repeatedly as if he were trying to convince himself that this was happening. His hand locked onto the side of my face where he began to caress my cheek and his lips connected and disconnected with my own. While his other hand held onto both of my own above my head.

Jace’s kisses were smooth and tender and they were the one thing that I wanted more than anything in this entire world. His lips started to relocate down my chin and onto my neck. His sweet lips sucked at the skin just below my jaw which made my breath get caught in my throat. My heart was beating rapidly as I could not believe that Jace and I were finally in a place where this was possible.

It was not until his lips reached my chest where I started to panic. My mind flashed back to the discovery that I made that morning before the shower. My head started pounding as my heart rate started to beat faster than I thought was possible.

“Stop!” I cried as I attempted to push Jace off me. I clutched my shirt together and brought my knees up to my chest. My breathing was rapid and the world started to blur again.

Jace rushed over to my side and held onto my arms. “Breathe Y/N. Slowly, come on you can do it, copy me okay?” I watched as he tried to guide me through each breath. “Good, now slowly drop your legs for me. It will make it easier.” I did as he said and continued to mimic the breathing techniques that he was demonstrating to me.

After 5 minutes I managed to get my breathing back down and my heartbeat back to a regular rhythm. Jace was sat down beside me holding onto my right hand. “Do you want to tell me what happened?” He asked calmly.  

At first, I thought about lying to him, hiding the truth from him. But I could not do it. “I have a scar.” I manage to squeak. It sounds stupid but it really was hard for me to say. “I have a scar on my chest and I didn’t want you to see it because you might think that I am ugly.”

Jace squeezed onto my hand and pulled me into his chest to comfort me. “Don’t be silly. I think that you are beautiful and nothing is going to change that.” He moved from my side to kneel on the floor between my knees. “Will you show me?”

He raised his hands up to where I was holding my hand over the exposed area. Slowly and gently he guided my hand away from my chest. When he saw the scar, his expression did not change. Almost as if he had seen it before. His thumb stroked over the scarred tissue of skin. Tracing the line from the beginning to the end. “See it is disgusting.” I whimpered at his touch.

He slowly shook his head and placed his hand over the top of it. “No, this is a constant reminder that I can never hurt you ever again. Your heart is now protected.”

I let him hold me tight as I cried. “My heart is yours.” I sobbed into his arms.

“And so is mine.” He placed a kiss on my forehead. I never really knew how true that was until I saw that Jace had the same scar on his chest. When Jace told Magnus that he would do anything, he really did mean it. I owned half of his heart. “I told you Y/N, you are my person.” His lips connected sweetly with my forehead as he held me closer to him.

[n7inky-fanfics]

Geth Dreadnought

CW: PTSD

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Why is it that when Cerberus built this damn ship they put the one window that doesn't have shutters above my fucking bed? I swear, it had to have been on purpose. Assholes. I'm supposed to be sleeping right now, but there's no way in hell to sleep because space is just above me, taunting me. I just need to forget about the vacuum of space long enough to fall asleep.

Well, just because they didn't provide me with a damned shutter doesn't mean I can't just cover it myself. Time to get creative. I throw on my N7 jacket and some cargo pants, then catch the elevator down to engineering. I cautiously scan the hallway, hoping to avoid encountering anyone else. Now that we're in the clear after dealing with the Geth Dreadnought, most of the ship is on sleep block. The skeleton crew to keep it running will likely be too busy to notice me, but it's still possible.

Everything looks empty, so I head down to the undercroft. If I'm going to cover the window, I need to be able to reach it. I could have sworn that I saw a ladder down here... Ah, yes! Here it is! I carry the ladder into the elevator and back to my room without encountering anyone.

Next, I need to find something to cover it with and some adhesive. I think there might be a large tarp in the cargo bay, and I could use the super-strength adhesive we keep around for random patch jobs. I sneak down to the cargo bay and gather the remaining supplies. It looks like I'm going to make it back to my quarters undiscovered until the elevator stops on the crew deck. The doors slide open and I find myself face to face with a surprised looking Kaidan Alenko.

"Ahh, Shepard... I was just coming up to ask if you would like some tea." he says.

"Oh. Raincheck?" I shrug, well as much as I can with two armfuls of tarp and adhesive.

"Sure, sure... Hey, is it alright if I come up with you? I've been wanting to talk with you about what happened today." His eyes are gentle and caring. All I want to do is drop my barriers and tell him everything about how I feel, about the fear that I haven't been able to shake since leaving the Normandy to board the dreadnought. I want to cry and have him tell me it'll be okay. I want to let myself unravel.

But I can't, so I just nod and plaster on a small smile, hoping he doesn't notice how fake it is. He boards the elevator, and for a brief moment the silence is almost deafening. Then, he says "So... What's with the tarp?"

"Did you know that was the second time we managed to sneak up on the geth because they don't use windows?"

"Joker explained it to me after he made that comment. What's with the tarp?"

The elevator stops and slides open just in time to save me from that question. I move quickly into my room and drop the taro and glue on my bed. Kaidan leans against the wall that separates my desk from the rest of the cabin while I grab the ladder and position it under the far corner of the window. Kaidan watches as I climb the ladder with the tarp and glue in tow. I spread adhesive as far as I can on both sides of the corner, then press the tarp firmly against it. I hold it in place and begin counting the 180 seconds it should take for the glue to dry.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Ele-

"Hazel, what are you doing?"

"Why do you ask?"

"I wanted to see if I could figure out why you're gluing a tarp to your ceiling. I'm stumped, but that's not the point. What are you doing?" Kaidan crosses his arms firmly.

I must be on twenty-five by now at least... Twenty-six. Twenty-seven. Twenty-eight. Twenty-nine. Thirty. Thirty-"

"Hazel, why are you covering the window?" He moves closer to the ladder. I don't dare to look him in the eye, afraid that under his gentle gaze I might actually allow myself to break. Instead, I stare up at the tarp. What am I on? Forty? Probably.

Forty-one. Forty-two. Forty-three. Forty-four. Forty-five.

"Hey, look at me, Shepard." His voice is firm but kind, and I can't help but do it. I look at his face, into his caring and worried eyes, and I choke back a sob. He reaches up to me, offering his hand. "Come down from there and talk to me, please."

I could do it. He's giving me a chance to do it. I could step off this ladder and I could really, truly let myself feel it all. I could break down in his arms and stay there and let him make me feel safe. I want to, but... I'm Commander Shepard. I must continue to be Commander Shepard. I must stay strong.

"I'm fine right here." I say. My voice sounds hollow and foreign. How much time has it been? Maybe thirty more seconds? And I had been on forty before? No, forty-five.

Seventy-five. I turn to fave the tarp again. Seventy-six. Seventy-seven. Seventy-eight. Seventy-nine. Eighty.

"Please." His voice is soft, accented by a hint of sadness laced with concern. "Let me back in."

I'm screaming at myself internally. Don't drop your guard. Don't feel your emotions. Pack it down. Finish the job! Even as my mind is saying this, I feel my arms release the tarp. The adhesive hasn't had enough time to dry, so it simply falls away from the ceiling. Kaidan pulls me off the ladder and into his arms. For one, tiny moment, I fight it. I tell myself that I won't cry.

The floodgates open, and now I'm sobbing in his arms. My body is so racked by my sobs that I can't keep myself standing. Kaidan takes on my weight and gently lowers us both to the floor. As I cry, my lungs become more and more restricted. Soon, I can't breathe. I'm suffocating. Oh god, I'm suffocating in space! The Normandy is gone and everyone escaped and I'm left drifting in space and I can't breathe! I try to breathe in, but I can't. I'm going to die! No, I can't die! Not again!

"Hazel!" Kaidan shouts, shaking my shoulders. I open my eyes to see him staring back at me, worry etched into his face. Something in front of him is glowing blue, and the light from it is dancing along his face. What is that?

Kaidan gently takes my hand in his and kisses it. I watch him bring it to his lips carefully. A ring of blue surrounds my arm. I'm glowing. My biotics form a haze around me. If it had taken him much longer to get through to me, I probably would have flared them uncontrollably. As if he can read my mind, he gently pulls away and throws up a small but strong barrier around me. I release the energy. He waits a moment, to be sure it has dissipated, then drops the barrier and pulls me back into his arms.

"Hazel, do you know where you are?" he whispers.

"Normandy SR-2. It's 2186."

"Good." he says. He kisses my forehead softly.

We stay this way until long after I have stopped crying. Finally, he says "Almost getting blown up by the Quarian fleet wasn't easy."

I shake my head. "We were more likely to be spaced than blown up." My voice comes out barely above a whisper.

His breath hitches in his chest and he tenses slightly. "That's why you were covering the window." I nod. "Do you remember...?"

"Yes." He holds me just a little bit tighter when I say this.

"I'm so sorry." He says.

"Sometimes, in my dreams or if I let myself drift out of reality enough, I end up back there... Over Alchera. I can still feel..." I stop myself from completing that thought. I can't believe I'm telling him this. I need to be strong right now, for everyone. That includes Kaidan. I can't be falling apart like this. What was I thinking?

I pull away from him and stand up. "You know what, why don't we go have that tea?" He stares up at me inquiringly, but I brush his stare off and reach out for his hand. Finally, he takes it and I help him to his feet. I stop in the bathroom briefly to make sure I look fairly put together, then lead him out of my room and to the mess hall. I start making some jokes and soon we settle into a comfortable mood. We chat a little over our tea before we say goodnight and go out separate ways. Tonight, I sleep on the floor under my desk.

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Two days later, I come back into my room after a long day to find a tarp securely attached to the ceiling and covering the window entirely. I ask EDI for the who, what, and how. She informs me that she granted Kaidan and Garrus access so that they could put it up while I was busy handling the Quarian-Geth situation. I can't help but smile as I crawl into bed. I sleep soundly for the first time since I died.