#sometimes is so hard not to get in an absolute doom spiral about the way i look

[empty-flat-n-lonely-bys]

...

[lightsoutletsgo]

anxiety gremlin — op.81

pairing: oscar piastri x anxious!reader

word count: 3.5k

warnings: mentions of anxiety and generalised anxiety disorder, description of physical symptoms including; nausea, headaches, sweaty hands, stomach pains, brain fog, mental struggles, mentions of panic attacks but reader doesn’t experience one, mentions of food and making food related decisions. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!  hello loves! this one is very personal to me and it was a pretty selfish write tbh... I wasn't sure if I should post it but I decided to do it in the hopes that it brings people some comfort. Oscar's dialogue at the end is a message that I, as the author, want to remind you all. you've got this, even if it doesn't feel like it! happy reading love mimi

Sometimes, it felt as though the world was out to get you. You faced the world and your flight, fight or freeze instincts kicked in. When you woke up, it seemed like it was going to be one of those days. That unexplainable feeling of nausea turning your stomach and an unexplainable headache pulled at the back of your head. Your jaw tensed as the nausea hit you in another wave and you forced yourself to roll over and close your eyes. Maybe if you could get back to sleep you’d wake up feeling better. Your mind however, had other ideas. Instead, deciding to send you down the spiral of impending doom - a lovely gift first thing in the morning. Thoughts whizzed through your head; Why did you feel so nauseous? Why did your head hurt? Had you forgotten something? What were your plans for the day and was that why this horrible feeling was creeping up? You sat up, accepting that you wouldn’t be falling back asleep and decided to get ready for the day. Perhaps a shower would help? The warm water was soothing as it rushed over you and whether it was the heat or the steam or the fact you were doing something to distract yourself, for a moment you felt a little better. Exiting the shower you decided that while the nausea had subsided, it would be a good time to start hydrating and maybe think about eating something. Your phone rang and dragged you from your internal rambling, “Hi baby!” You smiled, despite the fact that your boyfriend couldn’t see you, “Good morning angel,” You could hear Oscar’s dopey lovesick grin through the phone, “how did you sleep?” You set him down on loudspeaker as you got dressed, “I slept okay! How about you?” “I would have slept better if you didn’t keep stealing the blankets…” You gasped, “I do not!” Oscar laughed, “You absolutely do! One night I’m going to record you for evidence.” You giggled, “You do that baby.” Oscar nodded then realised you couldn’t see him, “I’m just calling to find out what you want for breakfast? I figured I’d stop off at that little cafe that you like on my way home.” You gulped, you had no clue what you wanted or how to decide, “I’d love that, thank you handsome!” You thought frantically for a solution, “Uhh you can choose for me! I trust you!” There was a pause on the other end of the line, “Are you sure angel?” “Yup, mhm, so sure!” “O-okay…” After making Oscar promise to drive safely, you hung up. 

You realised that for a moment while talking to Oscar, you hadn’t even thought about feeling anxious but it was as if that realisation had summoned the feeling back. All of a sudden your hands felt shaky and it was hard to focus on anything but the disconcerting feeling in your chest. Sitting down on the couch you did your best to control your breathing. Sometimes you wished that it would just turn into a panic attack and be done with. Anything would be better than this on-off-on-off situation. It was like feeling a sneeze that wouldn’t leave your body. Unsatisfying and unsettling. 

The front door opening made you snap your head up and you realised that subconsciously you had been rubbing your hands on your sweatpants to try and get rid of the clammy feeling. You shook your head and smiled as Oscar walked through the door, you were just a little bit anxious, it was no big deal. 

Oscar beamed at you as he entered the living room. He noticed that you seemed distracted and almost a little shifty. Your eyes kept darting around the room and your hands were absentmindedly picking at a loose thread on the hem of your t-shirt - a habit you usually despised because it had the potential to ruin your clothes. He said nothing, just walked through the room to the kitchen and placed down the paper bags filled with breakfast. “You okay there angel?” You nodded at him but it wasn’t enough to reassure him, “Are you sure?” You nodded once more, why now of all times were you feeling sick again? You sat there grinding your teeth together and clenched your jaw, feeling too sick to open your mouth and reply. You wanted to reply, you really did! But your brain had decided that words were a step too far. “Did you do something while I was out, hmm?” Oscar joked but all it did was make you more anxious, ‘was he angry?’, ‘was he going to shout at you?’, ‘breakup with you?’, “Come on troublemaker, you can tell me!-” “Nothing! Nothing happened! Now will you please stop asking.” You snapped, immediately clapping a hand across your mouth in shock before the tears were welling up in your eyes. “Oscar I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry baby I shouldn’t have snapped… Please don’t be angry!” You rambled a million miles an hour as your hands began rubbing and grabbing the material of your sweatpants again, not even realising your breathing had turned heavy and you were sweating. Oscar stood there in shock, he had never seen you like this before, was this because of him? He slowly approached you, not sure of the issue and not sure how to resolve it. “It’s okay angel, it’s okay” He held his hand out to you but you shook your head, talking through a clenched jaw in the hopes it would help the queasy feeling in your stomach, “Hands sweaty.” Oscar nodded, “Okay then, can I sit next to you?” You nodded, he gently took a seat next to you, careful not to jostle or jolt you, “Is this a medical emergency?” You shook your head, “do I need to call an ambulance?” You shook your head once more, feeling like you wanted to cry.

How embarrassing that you were having an episode like this in front of your boyfriend after hiding it so well for so long. And even more embarrassing that you couldn’t tell him what was going on let alone why you felt the way you did, “Is this a panic attack?” You shook your head no. Oscar made a little ‘oh’ and sat quietly next to you, unsure of what to say or do. You took a deep breath and forced yourself to open your mouth, despite how heavy your tongue felt. “I’m just a bit anxious.” “What about?” You shrugged, “Nothing. Everything. Hard to explain.” Oscar smiled at you through your one word answers and short sentences, “Well I can wait, it’s okay.” You nodded, hands starting to tingle with how long you’d been rubbing them against fabric and you winced as a sudden cramping feeling started in your stomach. Oscar seemed to notice your discomfort, “Please let me hold your hand angel, I promise I don’t care if it’s sweaty and you think it’s gross, I just want to help okay?” You nodded, breathing deeply and letting him take your hand in his. 

As soon as your hand was in his, his thumb was rubbing gentle circles over the back of your hand. A soothing motion that you let your eyes focus on. Watching his hands and how they moved, anything to keep your attention off of the anxious feeling. 

As he sat next to you Oscar wondered how he should approach you to talk about this. Clearly there was something you weren’t telling him. He thought he knew what it was and he understood why you hadn’t told him. He knew that people got anxious, hell he was always anxious before a race, but he also knew that for some people it went beyond unsettling feelings. He guessed that that’s what you were dealing with too. He’d seen Logan feeling like this a few times and so he wracked his brain to try and remember what the American had told him was useful. How about distraction? It was worth a shot! “Want to watch a film?” You nodded, eyes still laser focused on Oscar’s hands. “I knew you had a thing for my hands but you are allowed to blink you know.” He joked, cracking the smallest sound of an exhale of laughter from you, that was a start. “What film should we watch, hmm?” He grabbed the remote to start flicking through options, his hand never leaving yours, but aware that there was enough space between you so you didn’t feel smothered. “I think something cute and funny? Yes that’s a goooood plan Oscar.” You gave a weak smile once more as he talked to himself and he smiled at you, “how about Tangled?” You nodded and he selected the film, settling back into the couch, head looking at you once more, “Do you want to cuddle?” You shook your head and he just shrugged, wanting to keep you as comfortable as possible,  “That’s okay, you just let me know when you do, okay?” You nodded and he squeezed your hand to comfort you, “Do you want to sit back on the couch?” Your body was still tightly wound and feeling like a live wire so you shook your head, physically unable to relax. And still all Oscar did was smile at you.

As the film started, you did your best to focus on it, finding yourself unable to stop smiling and releasing some of the tension in your shoulders at various points when your boyfriend spoke the lines along with the characters, with facial expressions. You watched on screen as Rapunzel and Flynn entered the Ugly Duckling Pub and you realised your body finally felt relaxed enough to sit back against the couch. Oscar silently breathed a sigh of relief, all he wanted to do was fix it for you but he knew that he could only do so much. 

By the time the next song had finished, your body was subconsciously leaning against him. Your head rested on his shoulder and he gently tilted his head to rest on top of yours. You gave a little contented sigh. As you sat there, a wave of tiredness hit you, the physical symptoms and mental strain you’d been feeling since you woke up taking its toll. With Oscar’s warm body next to you and the comforting sounds of one of your favourite movies on screen, it wasn’t long before you felt your eyes beginning to slowly close. Oscar looked down at you and saw that your lashes had fluttered shut. He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of your head and let his own eyes slip shut. 

When you woke up a couple of hours later, the TV was off and you were laying on the couch with a soft blanket covering you. You sat up and sleepily rubbed your eyes, “Osc?” You heard low music drifting through the door to the kitchen and you could hear Oscar mumbling to himself and humming along, cursing occasionally when pots and pans clanged together. He poked his head out from the kitchen door, “There’s my pretty girl. Good morning angel.” He cooed at you and the way you blinked back at him sleepily. “What time is it?” “It’s lunchtime! I was just reheating breakfast.” You nodded, sitting up and pulling your knees up to your chest as he padded across the room to take a seat at the end of the couch by your feet, “I’m sorry.” Oscar’s eyes searched your face as you looked down at your hands in your lap. Oscar’s hand rested on your knee, “Angel, you never have to apologise for something like that…” He trailed off, hesitant to ask you his next question, “do you want to talk about it?” You inhaled slowly, nodding, “Yeah I think I would.” He gently nudged you with his elbow and you shifted back to let him sit in front of you, both of you sitting cross legged. He held his hands out to you and you took them with a shaky exhale.  

“Umm… I’m not exactly sure how to explain it?” You admitted, your fingers playing with his own in an effort to keep yourself grounded as that familiar feeling of your shoulders tightening and nausea creeping up began to settle in. He followed your gaze, “That’s okay, we have all the time in the world. Explain it however you feel is easiest.” You nodded once more, “So obviously you noticed that I was feeling anxious,” He tilted his head to one side to show you he was listening as you continued, “That’s because I have generalised anxiety disorder. And the thing is… I feel like that most of the time.” You admitted shakily, desperately willing yourself not to cry. If Oscar was surprised or taken aback he didn’t show it, instead just linking your hand with his and squeezing, encouraged you continued, 

“There are good days and there are bad days but I’m always anxious… There’s this constant feeling of underlying panic or anxiety or this sense of impending doom.” You looked up and noticed how Oscar’s eyes searched yours, willing you to understand that he wasn’t going anywhere, “I feel nauseous, I feel shaky, my hands get clammy, sometimes it’s like I forget how to breathe, my head and stomach hurt for no reason, my head goes fuzzy and it’s hard to focus on anything but the feeling of how anxious I am…” “Baby…” Oscar breathed, you gave him a watery smile, tears filling your lash line, 

“It makes me irritable, it makes me bitchy, it makes me snap at people I love, it makes me sensitive and emotional, I cry a lot, I cancel plans at the last second, I keep to myself and I build my walls up…” You trailed off, meeting his gaze and noticing that his eyes were filling with tears too, “Sometimes it feels like I’m two people. Me and my anxiety.” You couldn’t help the way the tears fell with a choked sob, “Angel, can I please please give you a hug?” Oscar pleaded, itching to pull you into his arms and comfort you. 

You nodded through your sobs, finally feeling the huge emotional release that had been building since you’d woken up. He reached for you, gently grabbing your arms and pulling you forward onto him. Falling back against the arm of the couch with you against his chest as you both stretched your legs out. He held you for what felt like forever, tightly wrapping his arms around you and stroking your hair, gently murmuring to you and kissing your forehead. When your sobs had subsided a little, he wiped your cheeks, “My sweet girl…” He gently pressed kisses across your face, relishing in the way your crying eased and you let out a little sigh after each one, “Thank you so much for telling me angel.” He paused, “Can I ask why you didn’t tell me before?” He asked gently. You sighed, fisting his t-shirt in your hand as you fought the nervous feeling that made your stomach flip. His hand rubbed up and down your back in a soothing motion as he felt you tense up in his arms, “I’m not mad at you baby, I just want to know what I can do differently in the future. I’d hate it if you didn’t feel safe enough to come to me for help.” You nodded, nuzzling into his chest, attempting to block out the world and focus on Oscar. Just Oscar. 

“Everyone I’ve told has left…” You mumbled sadly, “Hmmm?” His voice was soft, like he didn’t want to scare you out of answering, “I told a few people growing up, uni friends and stuff, and they would always answer with the usual ‘oh yeah I feel anxious too’... Until I explained I had diagnosed anxiety disorder and then,” you sighed, “then they would tell me it was too much for them to deal with, or they would get mad at me for ruining plans, or tell me to just get over it when I tried to talk to them about it.” Oscar’s hold on you tightened a little as he felt a spark of anger burn inside him. How dare they? Anyone could see that you were trying your best, he gave you his full attention as you continued, “I guess all of those things mean that I have a hard time opening up and trusting people with the knowledge of my diagnosis because it’s always backfired… Please don’t be mad at me… I do trust you, I just…” “Hey,” Oscar’s voice was low to ensure he didn’t trigger you, “I’m not mad or disappointed at you baby, I’m frustrated with myself for not noticing sooner.” “I’m pretty good at hiding it,” you admitted, the two of you led there in silence for a moment before Oscar spoke again, “Well I’m beyond proud of you. For dealing with it everyday and for opening up to me.” You tilted your head up to look at him and pressed a soft kiss to his jawline, “Thank you for listening.” He smiled back down at you, “Of course.” 

You summoned up the courage to ask him the question that had been on your mind for a little while, “H-how did you know how to help?” Oscar breathed deeply for a second, “There’s someone on the grid who uhhh, struggles with the same thing. They’ve opened up to me and explained what helps them so I figured I’d try?” You pushed yourself up to look at him in surprise, “Someone on the grid?” Oscar nodded, “I won’t say who, because it’s their thing to disclose and explain,” You nodded, “Of course!” “But they’re doing their best to work on things and ask for help and they’ve been doing really well.” Oscar made a mental note to ask Logan if he would consider talking to you. “Well, Tangled was a great choice!” You giggled as Oscar nuzzled his nose into your neck, “Yeah? I wanted to pick something that wouldn’t make you feel worse.” You couldn’t help the way you threw your arms around him and cuddled into him, so thankful for him and the thought and care he gave to you. “I love you.” It was muffled against his chest but he knew what you wanted to say and so with a chuckle he kissed the top of your head, “I love you too, angel.”

You stayed there for a moment before he was gently pushing you to sit up so he could look into your eyes, “I want to say something.” He hesitated and you nodded at him to continue. He gently held your chin with one hand, keeping you looking at him as his other hand found yours in your lap, linking his fingers with yours and squeezing, despite the way your hands were starting to get a little clammy again, “You may have anxiety disorder but it’s not who you are, baby.” Your eyes widened, he continued, “You are not your diagnosis. There is so much more to you than that. You are kind and caring, you’re smart, you’re beautiful, you’re creative.” Your heart melted at how passionately he was speaking. “You’re loved and valued by me and so many others, angel… I love you, the anxiety gremlin that comes with you and all.” You giggled at how he referred to it, “Anxiety gremlin… I like it!” He smiled, kissing your nose, you scrunched it up and he kept talking, “I know I can’t fix it and make it go away, believe me baby I wish that I could. But I promise that I’ll be here through all the bad days and the good days. I’ll do everything I can to make it easier and more bearable for you.”

You couldn’t help the way you started crying again, happy tears this time, Oscar’s thumb gently wiping them away, “So when you’re feeling up to it, we’re gonna sit down and talk about how I can help. What I can do when you’re having a bad day, the things we can do together, how you like to be distracted, how I can help when we’re out in public, maybe a codeword?-” You giggled as he started speaking faster and faster, you stopped his rambling with a soft kiss, pressing your lips to his, your hand cupping his face, thumb rubbing over his cheek, “That sounds perfect baby, thank you.” Oscar kissed you once more, pulling you into him, “You just let me know when you’re ready.” You nodded, “I will, I promise.” “Good! But for now, we still need to eat our breakfast!”

[gz-missfit]

I wanna talk about Tubbo and Phil

I know there's some strong opinions from many on either character so I wanna share some thoughts on their relationship from someone who's watched both for a LONG time (way way before qsmp).

Tubbos and Phil's relationship kinda is, the closest I can get to explaining is is Bads and Foolishs, by that i mean is that at first glance you would not necessarily think these 2 had the dynamic they actually DO have. It's easy to get swept up in their banter and chaotic messing with eachother or in the way they mostly communicate through jokes and teasing but those 2 TRUST eachother a LOT.

I'm gonna try to not bring the kids into this cause obviously they don't have the knowledge we as the audience do in this sense, but Phil is not someone who trusts easy, the closets one he has to fully being honest with is Fit and even he doesn't know everything. But Phil trusts capabilities, that's why he trusts Fit so much cause he knows the other veteran is incredibly capable. To bring this back to Tubbo, Phil knows that Tubbo is INCREDIBLY capable and smart, he knows the kid is talented, hard working and determined beyond believe. But those who know Phil also know he's just not good at showing this, but believe me when I say he thinks incredibly highly of Tubbos capabilities.

Tubbo is someone Phil trusts relentlessly, even if he sometimes gets things wrong about him as a character it is never with any malicious intent and he sees that kid as family, meaning he'll do everything to help him if called.

Now to Tubbo, tubbo is interesting because his trust is rare, at least his FULL trust is. Obviously he has people he relies on more than others but true transparent trust is something he really only has with the eggs. He does have people he trusts, he just doesn't want/like to rely on others and it's kinda weaving into his need to be the one that people rely on. Now for me I definitely think Tubbo thinks of Phil as a friend, no doubt about it. And I feel like he's also very aware of how Phil works, a lot more so than others (definitely due to their long term irl friendship too). Tubbo knows where Phil's strengths lie and when he can just ask him for tips or advice, Tubbo knows Phil is reliable when called for, Tubbo knows Phil does not talk about his relationships or emotions a lot. Tubbo has been on the receiving end of a few things no other had to see from Phil yet, Tubbo was one of the only ones who during Purgatory got shown how Phil lost all hope in himself and for his kids (seeing in him being genuinely shocked Tubbo was still fighting for them too), But he also got to see how even with that doubt Phil would never leave someone behind he sees as his flock. Phil sacrificed his wings for Tubbo and both know he'd do it again a thousand times over.

Another moment I like to take as example is very early day of Tubbo joining, it's funny cause u can definitely see a like mentor/apprentice vibe which quickly fizzles out once Tubbo finds his footing in what he is good at. A moment that has always stuck out to me though is the kids disappearance day and those leading up to it. Tubbo was responsible for Chayanne and Tallulah during that time (quick side note, Phil's instant trust with those 2 for Tubbo is HUGE especially the fact that Phil knew Tubbo would take his explanations of how to be there for Tallulah seriously) and once the realization hit Tubbo kinda went into this dooming mindset, he saw himself as a failure and was worried about losing the fact that Phil relied on him, basically afraid of losing his usefulness, he spiraled and was terrified of Phil's response but when it actually came to that day? Phil was nothing but instantly understanding, reassured Tubbo, never lost trust in him with the kids down the line and showed Tubbo where his anger truly falls. It was such a simple moment but Neither have lost any trust in the other when it comes to absolute necessity.

And I think that's where a lot of their headbutting or appeared distrust comes from cause those 2 don't want nor like to rely on others. They're used to being the ones that are relied on! But when it comes down to it, when it comes to push and shove they know the other is someone they could rely on in a heartbeat (when I say necessity I mean necessity btw, like full on life or death)

Because when the people who do not ask for help need to ask for help you know shits bad, and it's a little easier when the person you know is so similar yet so different from you that you're aware this will never be talked about again, it's easier to ignore the heaviness if you've gotten used to hide it with banter and jokes. But a flock will never leave eachother down, even if they don't say it.

(Also Tubbo logging out infront of Phil today and Phil wanting to prank him with a spawn trap only to go "I was gonna put Lava here, but he can't die so no I'm not gonna be a dick" is something like, once Phil is aware of something he instantly adjusts to it, he asked for Tubbos equipment before bringing him a boss mob to fight, gave him food during it etc. Cause again once both are aware of something they do instantly jump in or adjust to it)

[hurt-over-comfort]

Story & OC introduction!

Hello! So, after far too long of a wait, I have finished this OC introduction post! 

In the future I’ll think about how to organize this better, maybe as a google docs or maybe as a separate website, but for now this is as good as I can make it. 

It might be quite long given the sheer amount of OC’s introduced so I kept the descriptions to a minimum - I’d love to expand on that later once I decide what’s the best way to do it. Also, all asks about characters and the stories are super welcome! I love talking about my blorbos.

This post focuses on introducing one of my two main stories and their casts, but all of these characters exist through different AUs. I will share more details about the second story soon, I haven't finished writing descriptions for that one yet : (

“JOINT VENTURE” AKA COLLEGE AU

My main squeeze, the story I think about most often and what I consider the ‘baseline’ for the character’s personalities. It's definitely a whumpy story, but I doesn't focus exclusively on whump.

In short, it’s a story of the destructive relationship between two college students and how their decision to partner up and make some cash haunts them. A story about addiction, desperation, control and loss of it, of all encompassing love and betrayal. It’s doomed, it’s tragic, it’s abusive, it’s gay!!! Content warnings for the story: sadism&masochism, torture, noncon.

I’d love to elaborate, but to not make this post any longer than it needs to be, here are the featured characters!

1. ALBERT

My main guy, nr one little guy inside my head. I love my Oc’s equally, except for Albert, whom I love the most. (I also hate him the most, so it equalizes.)

Albert is a rich kid fuck boy who everyone only pretends to like. He’s a rather bright chem-engineering student who spends most of his time getting drunk, high and having lots of party sex. It seems like life handed him a golden ticket - good looks, filthy rich parents, great education - and maybe that’s why he started acting out, because it all was going too well. And now it’s harder to pretend that everything is great, which makes him try even harder, become faker.

The only person who truly sees through him is Cedric and maybe that’s why he hates him so much. Only sometimes, he doesn’t hate him - sometimes he feels a wild yearning for any shred of Cedric’s validation or affection, and he buries that feeling so deeply that he’s not aware it’s even happening. He prefers denial - denial that everything is amazing, that he didn’t fuck up his life entirely, that Cedric is no one to him. It works until it doesn’t and for these times even the usual vices don’t stop him from spiraling. He hates it, or maybe he doesn’t, it’s hard to tell - He’s so dangerously masochistic that he might just be in love with being miserable.

2. CEDRIC

(OC of the lovely @whmp)

Albert’s roommate and the absolute bane of his existence. The person who hates him the most and conversely the only one that can put up with his antics. He’s spent so much time trying and failing to get away from Albert that now he just accepts him as any other inevitability of life. Vaguely aware of Albert’s feelings toward him and even less aware of his own feelings for him. 

A major control freak about everything in his life, from academics to personal relationships. Will claim he just want to be left alone but will get lonely if that actually happens. He’s aloof and quiet with a tendency to be outright mean and sarcastic when in a bad mood, sees people mostly as noisy distractions. Annoyingly aware of his own intelligence, definitely thinks he’s better than other people. In between studying and dealing with Albert he has a little business on the side - synthesizing drugs. 

3. NICKY

Cedric’s sweet boyfriend, a chronically online liberal arts major and Albert’s number one secret hater. He’s not the smartest, but he makes it up with his enthusiasm and a general aura of positivity. Will make you a delicious meal if asked, but will also go on twitter and argue for hours about the stupidest, most inconsequential things. In between watching anime and romanticizing every aspect of his life he loves to game with Cedric’s weirdo friend, Leo. 

4. LEO

(Also OC of @whmp)

An absolute social reject shut-in loser who spends most of his days browsing very questionable websites and forums. Doesn’t mind people, but doesn’t like them either - he’s so apathetic it’s hard to make him care about anything, really. That includes being likable, so he never tries to cover up his nature (he sees any relationship as a transaction anyway). Not hard to get along with if you can stand him, but you probably shouldn’t try because he’s not a good person. Not so secretly sadistic - maybe he loves it so much because violence and abuse is one of the only things that can make him feel anything. Awkward most of the time, especially for those incredibly rare times where he feels any attachment to a person. Stay away at all cost.

5. DARCY 

A wicked demon in the vague shape of a man (metaphorically). There is little humanity left in him, or maybe there was none there to begin with. Bastard son of a prominent cartel leader with high ambitions how to run things and 0 actual leadership power. He’s the clean up guy, tasked with disappearing the people that the cartel doesn’t need anymore. And before he buries them in the desert somewhere, why shouldn’t he have some fun with them? They can have a lovely evening or two and when whatever is left of them is dropped into a shallow grave Darcy will have already moved on. 

6. CECILE 

Albert’s accomplished older sister. They talk sometimes, and she worries about him a lot, but their relationship is rather strained. Her life is a constant juggle between her demanding job and family life, and maybe if she keeps it up she’ll have no time to think about the life she could have had. About the people she had lost. 

7. WILLOW

Willow used to be a best friend of Cecile back when they were younger. They’d sneak off at night and go onto the grassy fields, setting up a picnic to enjoy it just as the sun rises. They’d talk for hours while laying on their back and staring at the sky, hands so close their fingers could touch if any of them would be a little braver. They were close and wanted to be so, so much closer, but you can’t get everything you want in life, right?

---

That's it for now! Very excited to be sharing all of this with you! The picrew used is the amazing sushicore!

Here is also a little sneak peek at some of the characters of my second story while I work on writing descriptions for them!

[morgue-xiiv]

for the ask game: Idiot Doom Spiral

OKAY! I been working on this one for a while so it's gonna be great. Really high concept.

This is tough, not because he doesn't have good or bad thing about him, but because like. Everything about him seems like an opinion or vibe based thing. Like okay he's homeless because he lost his keys and ID and couldn't prove he had a right to enter his own home. Is he a fucking dipshit as I've heard many people say or is he a potent reminder of the insane precarity of our lives? I think the latter. Every person I've spoken to about it has a different idea of how he could get into his own house and every one of them runs out of ideas if you say "and if that didn't work?" even a couple of times. Even the game says there should be an obvious solution yet does not provide one. Oh your landlord would let you in. What if you rented through a managing agency and the staff turnover is high so no one recognises you? How would you even CONTACT your landlord? with the phone number you wrote down and carry with you everywhere even if you're on a jog? Oh your staff would let you in at work. Suppose they don't though? Suppose the main point people are on a week long business trip or your security guard says "look man I know its you but I'm not allowed to let you in without ID I could lose my job", you're a grown man so your parents could easily be dead or very far way. my absolute favourite take was "well the supervisor in your building would recognise you!" Yeah thanks Monica Geller, tell me you're American without telling me you're American. Hell, what if all this beurocracy is HARD and lying down on a beach drinking is EASY. That's the real reason, you maybe could get in "if you tried hard enough" but everyone has a limited ammount they CAN try and traumatic experiences like the cops locking you up for asking for help sap that energy Realllly fast. You, too, are probably 4-8 comedy of errors events from homelessnessliness. It blows!

1) He's very invested in his work and doesn't accept anything that falls bellow his standards of excellent BUT his job is predominately hollow overcompensated manipulative bullshit. BUT advertising is art even if you don't agree with the art or its aims. He's focused on his artistic fullfilment rejecting low concept ideas even if he thinks they would be functional effective ads.

2) I seem to recall him rejecting fascism as 'low concept stuff' but I can't find the line now so take my word for it. And I'm not even sure.

3) IDS was a very controversial Tory scumleech who oversaw massive punitive cuts to financial support for the disabled in the UK and it's funny as fuck now to call him Idiot Doom Spiral because they abbreviate the same. (that's meta as shit sorry)

3) he seems to really appreciate the company of his friends but he clearly views himself as "above" them somehow. Buddy, you had a fancy job but you're here in the dirt those are your mates now. coked up marketing exec aint the win over drunken small business owner and professional non-caller of Abigails even when you were society approved.

4) not above a little beneficial fraud. Does however take a pen "for his trouble" without negotiating or revealing that price in advance. But sometimes it's the racist lady's monkey pen so for the love of god yes please take it I hate that pen.

5) TFC: he's supportive if you tell him you're dating Kim

6) I really feel like there's more but he has so much dialogue goddamn

7) oh he refers to his ex as a "sweet piece of ass" the objectifying misogynistic little cumstain.

8) smart enough to not drink medical spirits

9) If you tury to embark on the cocain skull quest he pretty much looks into the camer and says "not unless we the studio get More Money to make a Bigger Game!" and that's really funny. I mean kinda sad now but that meta shit is funny. I guess in narrative he doesn't know that's what he's doing.

10) he's pretty entertaining and can chat shit on all day if you keep him in booze. We all need that friend.

[saltydkdan]

salty, i’m a 16 year old trans girl living in new jersey who’s about to start estrogen next month, but i am constantly worried about my safety because of the GOP trying to get bills like this passed

https://twitter.com/erininthemorn/status/1547641835677368320?s=21&t=D09XRzAQxHj100xjIy0SnQ

i’m so fucking scared, i live in a blue state but that might not even matter soon, i don’t wanna become a statistical because of people not letting me live as my true self,

if you can, could you share some kind or supportive word for me, and the other trans kids who watch your videos? i know for me personally your my go to youtuber to watch when i’m feeling sad, because you’ve basically molded my sense of humor,

i’m sorry for the long message, i’m just really worried and nervous and upset and my anxiety is in fucking hyperdrive

Hey bud. I'm really sorry I couldn't respond to this sooner, to be honest I was trying my best to figure out the best way to respond to this since I saw it.

As someone who is cis, it's hard for me to properly formulate words of encouragement when it comes to situations like this. Sometimes there are just many things that will never inherently effect me personally, so I sometimes feel like anything I say will sound like "thoughts and prayers"-type jargon, and I don't want it to be.

I'm gonna try my very best to respond to this with some words of encouragement and support! I apologize if it doesn't do much, this is my first time typing something up this way.

First, I want to validate you here, these are some really upsetting times. It feels like every other day there's some group of crazed politicians that are trying to take people's rights away, or set us back 100 years for no reason other than hatred or religion (and sometimes even both!).

It's okay to feel bad, or worried about it. You are valid if that upsets you, obviously. If anyone says you are a "downer" for worrying about it, they are stupid, and most probably are unaffected by this sort of news.

I have a lot of close friends who are personally affected by this too, and people tend to shut them down whenever they feel a HINT of negativity. But like... no? Fuck that. Feel your feelings, you are valid.

Second, I just want to say that there is hope. Even if bad things happen, or any bullshit gets passed, know that there are millions of people fighting for you, and your rights every day. Now I know this can be a moot point for some people, and doesn't make them feel better. But it's at least important to know that many people (including me) are on your side.

Many people are even posting online that even if these sorts of horrible bills pass, that they will put their jobs at risk to protect kids that are affected. They shouldn't have to do this, but I'm glad that so many people are kindhearted and protective of trans kids regardless of what laws are.

(Obviously, it should be always noted that just because something is a law, that doesn't mean it's morally correct or ever will be. Fuck Anti-Trans bills and laws FOREVER AND ALWAYS.)

Third, we all know the world can be an absolute shit show a lot of the time. So with that in mind, it's totally valid for you to take a social media break (or "cleanse"). I know in some spaces this might be a CRAZY thing to say, since a lot of people like to keep up to date on the current day news cycle on places like Twitter. But many of my friends, and even myself, tend to "doom scroll" online.

Using social media, we're exposed to hatred and vitriol on a daily basis. It's totally okay for anyone in your shoes to delete social media, even if just for a bit, and do something else. This isn't always the case, but sometimes viewing too much bad news about the world all at once, can cause people to spiral and become more and more afraid.

I'm not necessarily saying "ignorance is bliss" or anything like that. The news is important every so often. But it's important that you grant yourself time away from it, because (especially nowadays) it can get incredibly toxic. Trust me, when important stuff happens, you'll still be made aware. Either through parents, friends, etc.

And you don't need to quit social media either. Just allow yourself a break. Pick back up a hobby, or start a new one! Recently, instead of scrolling infinitely on Twitter or Tik Tok, I've taken up reading comics online before bed. Sonic IDW or One Piece. Mental Health comes first! Even if the world is insane, it's okay to take a moment of silence to calm yourself, and tend to yourself. You should NEVER feel guilty for taking time for yourself, ESPECIALLY these days.

Lastly, I wanna let you know that it's awesome to hear that you're going on Estrogen in the coming month! That is huge!! And really awesome to hear. That's an occasion worth celebrating! Like, a new second birthday!

And I'm currently a New Jersey resident too! It's cool to hear you're from there. I've started really liking the state ever since I've moved, but I mostly just stick to my town and don't go that much deeper! (Haha)

Also I am SO SORRY I helped mold your sense of humor. I cannot apologize enough for doing that GGFIWGODIWHEDQ. It is an honor to hear that, but I am SO SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I'm apologize if this message ends up not helping much, but you have my support, all of my friends, and millions of others. You will get through this no matter what happens. You've already gotten this far, you ain't even reached your FINAL FORM YET.

-Derek (Salty)

[ellana-ravenwood]

“You are not hard to love” - Bruce Wayne x Fem!Reader

Something very VERY quick, that I suddenly felt compelled to write, once again in the middle of the night. I didn’t plan on writing it, but here we are. This is for anyone who ever felt like they were “hard to love”. You’re not. You just haven’t found the right person...Anyway, here. For you : 

__________________________________________________

To be “hard to love” is a character flaw Bruce always felt he had. 

It was actually hard, to exist with this knowledge, no matter how little he tried to make himself feel. Or not feel, for that matter. 

As “Brucie Wayne”, a lot of people liked him, and the rest hated him for being so arrogant and smug. There were no inbetween. 

Many people judged him to be just another idiot with a lot of money. They hated his guts. Or they admired him for his self-confidence. Still thinking, though, that he was a bit of a dunce. 

It was fine. He wanted them to think that of him. To see him for someone he really wasn’t. So it’d blur the line, so they’d never guess who the Batman really was. 

As a result, it was difficult, to love, truly love, “Brucie Wayne”. Then again, he wouldn’t want anyone to love him for what he wasn’t. This public persona of him, would never know real love. It was fine. 

But his real self. His real self. 

Batman. 

Was probably the number one reason Bruce felt he was so hard to love... 

Who would want to put up with this shit ? Who, in their right mind, would want to love a man like him ? Bruce knew himself very well. Unfortunately. 

Sometimes, even him couldn’t stand himself. 

He knew he could be abrasive, arrogant, self-important, cold, too focus on a task at hand to care about anyone’s feelings etc etc...He knew that his real self, the one he showed more with his Batman side, wasn’t very likable. 

He found it hard, to connect to others. It was hard to stay connected anyway, when he was always stuck in his own head. 

He knew himself very well. He did. He knew how he was, and he couldn’t possibly see anyone putting up with it, and loving him. 

He didn't even like himself very much...

Every single time he fell in love, things didn’t end well. Because he’s too high maintenance. Because it’s hard to keep up with him and his moods...even for someone like Selina Kyle. 

Even she, whom he felt understood him more than anyone he met before, got tired of his games. Ah, but she was also too fiercely independent for what he wanted. Mmm...But who was he fooling ? He knew she’d never stay too long with him, not only because she was independent, but because he was too difficult to be with. 

And it hurt. It really did. 

Because deep down, what Bruce really wanted...It’s love. Real love. True love. Unconditional love. As stupid as it might sound, to anyone knowing him. Ah but, if you truly knew him, it all made sense. 

He would never admit it, not even to himself, but his fear of being completely abandoned ran deep. And his want of finding someone who would accept him for who he truly was was even deeper. 

But he was hard to love. 

Who could ever put themselves through the ringer like that, and love someone like Bruce Wayne ? Like...Like Batman ? 

And then...then you came in. 

************

He still thought he was hard to love. Difficult to be with. 

Your relationship, at that time, was somewhat new. It hadn’t been serious for long. But serious it was, in Bruce’s eyes, at least. 

Ah but he kept thinking he was too hard to love. That you would leave for sure, once you would realize it. His insecurities got the best of him often, even as he tried to ignore them and just enjoy what he had for the time being. 

Up until...

It happened shortly after his first real fight with you. He had one of his “dark day” (which he didn’t have much anymore), where he would be ultra-focus on his Batman work, and be a jerk to any outside distraction. 

Except you would have none of it, as you were trying to tell him something important. And thus, the fight began. 

And he shut down. Put up walls, once again, between him and you. Because that’s what he did. And it made everything worst, of course. 

He couldn’t stand the flood of feelings that came from being too emotional. Angry because of the fight, sad too, and absolutely terrified he might lose you if you guys fought enough for you to realize he’s just...Too hard to love. 

So he suppressed his emotions. As usual. It was much easier for him to give you the silent treatment than go through the pain of talking it out. It was too overwhelming for him, he wasn’t good at the whole “feeling things”. 

He was too afraid he’d say something he would dearly regret. He knew it was healthier, to talk it out. But he just couldn’t. He couldn’t deal with those emotions. And so he shut you out, you got frustrated, and then Dick tried to...

The sweet little boy tried to get you two to talk, to calm down, and Bruce snapped at him. He didn’t meant to. He instantly regretted it. But he did.

Which was the last straw that broke the camel back for you. You told him to “go to hell”, took Dick’s hand (who looked absolutely crestfallen, just remembering his facial expression made Bruce’s heart hurt), and left. 

Bruce felt like this was it. He just ruined the one good thing in his life. 

The one thing that, after years of being stuck in the dark, brought him light. 

You, and his newly adopted son. 

Lights of his life. 

He needed you two. But he understood if you decided to go...He was too hard to love. He would let you go, if it meant you’d be happier (what a fool). 

He was too much, too much. 

For hours, hours and hours, he beat himself down for it. Stuck in his own head once again. Hating himself. 

Sitting alone in front of the batcomputer, barely paying attention to what is scrolling on the screen...Bruce felt like shit. 

Why ? Why did he have to be like that ?

Why couldn’t he...be someone who was easy to love ? Who wasn’t a constant challenge to everyone around him ? 

Yes. That’s it. He was a challenge. A challenge who could’nt-

Footsteps. Taking him out of this darkness spiraling downward and downward. 

And it’s you. You’re right there. Looking at him critically, and he’s sure...

He’s sure you came to break up with him. That he shut you out one too many times. That him being a jerk to little Dickie was too much. That-

“There’s-”

He couldn’t. He couldn’t hear you say it. So he cuts you off, with words that made his heart bleed : 

“I know, we’re done.”

“Excuse me ?”

He can’t look at you. Can’t bear it. He turns around, and continues, trying to sound as neutral as possible, trying to not let his voice crack, going right to the point, as fast as possible, so he can keep it up : 

“I went too far. Too many times. You’ve...had enough of me. I understand.” 

“What ?” 

In your voice, he can hear surprise. Ah. You were too nice to realize that one day, it would come to this. That one day, you were doomed to leave him because he was too much. 

You were too...good for him, to him. Too good to realize he knew it all along. 

And so here you were, surprised he figured it out. Surprised he knew, before you told him, that you were leaving him. 

“I know I’m hard to love. I do. And you-”

“Wait wait wait, uh ? You think I’m gonna bail out because you were a jerk ? You think you’re too hard to love ? Oh Bruce...”

There’s a short pause, as if you’re searching for your words. 

He looks up at you, feeling a dash of hope invade his heart. He tries to fight it, but he can’t. Because...Because...Finally, you say : 

“Bruce. When we started this, when it became serious, when I decided to jump in your life and in Dick’s...I knew what I was getting myself into. I know you enough. I know the Batman side of you. I know you have moments you’re just...you’re just too stuck in your own head, and in your pain. I know.” 

You put a soft hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at you by raising his head. 

“I know what you think of yourself. And I know what others think of you. You’re arrogant, cold, unforgiving blahblahblah insert many more words saying how difficult it is for you to show your true self and emotions. But...But I also know that’s not all there is to you. I know you, and others, are wrong about you. Too hard on you. I know you.” 

You take a step closer to him, and lay your forehead against his. 

“I know you’re funny, like, seriously hilarious. No one ever made me laugh like you. I know you care, sometimes too much, and it’s why things are so hard for you many times. I know you’re actually a great dad, no matter what you think. I know many admire you, you’re truly amazing. You’re smart, caring, loving...I know that it’s hard for you to open up, to love...but when you do, when you do...You love really hard, Bruce. Fully, intensely, passionately, with your entire being. I never felt so loved, than when you hold me. When you-”

There’s a short pause, and Bruce realizes it’s because you’re blushing and have to regain control of yourself again. It doesn’t surprise him. What you’re saying right now, makes his heart beat a hundred time faster, and he can feel his face burning. 

Only you, ever made him blush so...

You take a deep breath, and say : 

“All my life Bruce. All my life I felt I was hard to love.” 

At this, Bruce can’t help but scoff, and he’s about to say something but you cut him off sternly : 

“I’m not done, mister. As I was saying, my entire life, I too, felt like I was hard to love. But when I met you...When I met you, I realized I felt that way because the people around me always made me feel like that. Always made it sound like it was a chore, to put up with me. That they could love me without making any compromises, while I had to change completely for them. Because I was too “difficult” you know ? Because sometimes, I too would have mood swings, or a need to be alone, or...just things that are not considered normal. That are associated with being hard to love. And I was surrounded with people who made me feel bad about this. Who made me feel like I had to change to be normal, and to finally have love.” 

Your arms snake around his shoulders now, and you hold him tight against your chest, kissing the top of his head. 

“You made me realize, Bruce, my Bruce, that...That I’m not actually hard to love. That I was just surrounded with people who weren’t willing to make the effort for me. Which is fine. No-one has to put up with anything if they don’t want to. But...Nobody is hard to love. They just never found the right person. The one willing to fight for them. It’s what you made me realize.”

He holds you back now. With all his might. What is this stinging feeling in his eyes ? 

“I love you. Unconditionally. I know who you are. And I want to fight for you. I will always fight for you. I’m not promising that I’ll never grow frustrated, and yell at you back, to then storm off. I’m not saying we’ll never fight. I’m just saying...It doesn’t matter. Because I love you. And I’ll always find my way back to you.” 

In your eyes, he can see it, there’s a strong light shining. 

One that proves him you love him. Deeply, and unconditionally. 

One that led him out of a dark pass many times before. 

One that proved...That proved maybe, he wasn’t that hard to love. 

Not when he finally found the right one. 

He couldn’t believe you ever thought YOU were hard to love. Ah. Has anyone in the world ever been as perfect for each other as you two were ?

“I love you.” 

He says. His entire being, all his emotions, poured in those three little words. 

“I love you too Bruce. And believe me, saying those words to you ? It’s very easy.”

His arms around you tightens even more. And then you add : 

“Now that this is out of the way...We can talk more about this later, but for now, there’s more pressing matters at hands. I actually came down here to ask if...if you wanted some ice cream ? Dick and I went out for a little bit, and brought all our favorite. Yours, too. We thought we’d need a “pick-me-up”. All of us. As a family. We’re supposed to go through things together...And ice cream helps, yes ?”

He nods. His throat too tight to say anything. And for the moment, it’s fine. He’ll tell you later. He’ll tell you how much you mean later. If he can’t find the words, he’ll find other ways to show you. 

You know anyway. You know he loves you. Just as strong as you love him. 

He loves you just as you are. You love him just as he is. 

“I love you.”

He whispers, and you smile at him, of this life-changing smile that showed him the light... You peck him on the lips, before taking his hand and walking out of the batcave, to the Manor. 

Where ice cream, and a very sweet little boy eager to raise his dad’s spirit, were waiting. 

Unconditional love. 

Bruce Wayne, wasn’t hard to love. And now, he was surrounded with the right people to make him understand this.

__________________________________________________

I just have a lot of feelings about Bruce Wayne haha. I just wanted to write a little something. It also stems from my own feelings. I’m sure we all felt at some point, that we were/are impossible to love. That no one will ever put up with our shit...yet there are people unwilling to give up on you, people who make you “better” etc etc. So. Yeah. I wrote this very quickly. Once again, watch me feel too much in the middle of the night haha. Sorry if this isn’t very good, it’s one of those “bonus” story I suddenly think about and write quickly in one sitting. I enjoyed writing it, but I admit it took less effort than most stories. So. Yes. 

If you liked it, don’t hesitate to leave a little feedback and reblog if ya want :). 

[trans-cuchulainn]

What are the major details that confused you about the Hound blurb? The major one that stood put to me was the "way of the farmer opposed to the sword" thing which felt very...un-Cú Chulainn. Also, if you don't mind expanding further, which details didn't you question/be confused by?

and also for anon:

okay so it is like. 2am so there are not going to be any sources here but i can't sleep so here goes!! i will go through this blurb line by line and give youse my thoughts

In 50 BCE,

reasonable. this is roughly the right time period for when the ulster cycle is set. maybe marginally earlier than i'd place cú chulainn, but i'm talking a few years, nothing to get worked up about.

Morrigan, the goddess of war,

fine. normally i'm wary of pantheonising impulses with regard to irish characters (almost none of them can be identified as a god of anything in particular, it doesn't work like that) but tbh the morrigan is like, the most plausible exception to that, so whatever. normally her name has the definite article attached to it because it's kind of a species term as well but whatevs.

has become restless as a long-lasting peace settles over Ireland.

dubious. closest i can think of to peace being reference in any texts is togail bruidne da derga talking about conaire mor's reign being like, prosperous and peaceful and whatever, and even there you've got díberg (plundering/reaving) which is what eventually fucks him over and starts the otherworldly hell spiral situation. that's roughly the right period here but conaire's doom proves you don't have to do much to nudge peace into war, and connacht and ulster are at each other's throats for years before cú chulainn comes on the scene anyway

Deciding the time of peace must end, she chooses Setanta, the nephew of the king of the north, to become her ward.

hmm. i mean. like, this isn't the WEIRDEST choice they could have made. it's still completely made-up, don't get me wrong -- cú chulainn has a lot of different foster parents in different texts and they don't agree with each other but none of them ever mentions the morrígan. but like, they do have a connection of some sort, as evidenced by their conversations. and there's that one moment in the r1 boyhood deeds where little cú chulainn is out on the battlefield and hears her (not sure which name is used here) calling out to him and it like. motivates him to do some deeds or whatever, and i guess you could extrapolate that into some kind of teaching capacity.

so like. could be weirder. if you're gonna pick anyone, you could do worse. still seems weird to me! but not on its own a major issue, i could get past this and consider it a Fun But Unorthodox Creative Decision

(the fact that she tries to seduce him in the táin probably wouldn't get in the way of this considering sleeping with his teachers/foster-mothers is far from unheard of where cú chulainn is concerned)

After a young Setanta slays the demon-hound of Cullan, he becomes known as Cú Cullan—The Hound of Cullan.

weird spelling choices, they could have at least bothered to use the genitive properly. also the hound isn't a demon, it's a ferocious watchdog -- making it sound all Otherworldly and Hellish like this kinda confuses the issue of why he would need to take its place. he needs to take its place because the cattle and people still need protecting because it is a watchdog!! but whatevs, again, it's a brief summary so they can't exactly give us all the details and this is not actively objectionable

As Cú Cullan grows older, it is apparent that an extraordinary power lies within him … and a great darkness.

ugh boring. this makes it sound like he's going to be ~tortured~ and angsty about it. give me an unapologetic murder teen please. is the ríastrad dark? sure i guess, if you're going to be boring about it. it's more like, grotesque neon in my head

When he chooses the quiet life of a farmer over the sword,

this would fucking never happen on like five different levels. obviously like anyone who has ever read anything about cú chulainn can see that this is not in his nature. he is never going to choose a quiet life. this is the kid who tricked his way into taking arms before everyone thought he was ready. also juxtaposed with the "darkness" comment makes it sound like he would Angst his way into this quiet life which. again. have you seen this kid. he is an unapologetic murder teen

the only thing i can think of that might make him temporarily want to walk away is connla's death which... depends where you position that in the timeline really, he does seem a bit fucked up by it and maybe he'd want a holiday although i can see that lasting precisely 5 minutes before someone pissed him off enough for him to murder them. but if he's being raised by the morrígan i can't see him going to train with scáthach so then he'd never meet aífe and therefore connla would never be born so that wouldn't happen. so like. whatever.

but also like. he would not become a farmer. he just wouldn't! it doesn't work! the ireland of the stories is super hierarchical, right? and this blurb has already fucking told us that he's the king's nephew (canon) so we can tell that being a farmer is Not His Place. when we see upper class figures becoming menial labourers in texts, like in cath maige tuired, it's because Things Are Fucked, Shit's Gone Wrong. people don't just decide to change their entire social class on a whim lmfao

if cú chulainn really wanted to turn his back on being a warrior he could probably make recourse to certain other Suitable Professions ... his grandad's a druid so he might have a route into that, though his dad's not so that might fuck things up a bit bc it's one of those things that's usually inherited. he does give "wisdom" in at least one text though and we also know he can write (he carves riddles in ogham in the táin) and he composes verses on various occasions so idk, maybe something in a poetic direction, though again, usually requires two generations of inheritance to be a real poet and not just a lower-class bard. warrior's kinda the main thing he's got open to him tbh. but farming? i'm not a legal expert but as far as i'm aware based on what i have read, that would fuck shit up

more likely an upset cú chulainn would just go off in search of an adventure somewhere conveniently far away until he'd calmed down (alba, or the tyrrhenian sea, or -- if we're going to get early modern about it -- somewhere like india, which frequently gets thrown into the texts with absolutely no cultural context and it's always hilarious)

Morrigan, angry at the betrayal,

of the entire social order, yes,

instigates an invasion of his homeland

i mean. if they intend this to be the táin then.... táin bó regamna does kinda make the morrígan responsible for it? not in the sense of triggering the pillow talk argument that it's in the book of leinster -- it's her getting up to her usual cow-nicking behaviours for shits and giggles. [note to readers: it is probably for more than shits and giggles but did i mention it's 2am]

but all in all, not particularly out of character that she would be at least some way responsible for this so i can vibe with this. echtra nerai also supports the TBR explanation with her fucking around with otherworldly cows and pissing people off so, yeah, whatever. the morrígan engineered this. sure.

and Cú Cullan must challenge fate itself

this is probably a controversial stance but fate feels like a difficult concept to apply to medieval irish texts. like are people sometimes Doomed? yes. there are prophecies, there are gessi, there's all manner of otherworldly fuckery that can trip you up. is that the same thing as fate? no idea. considering cú chulainn comes out alive from the táin though and his doom prophecies don't catch up to him for like, at least another decade, maybe 16 years depending on who you listen to, hard to see how that would apply here

to keep the goddess at bay.

again like she IS causing fuckery in the táin but also it's like... one time. really not the main character. but she or maybe just some crows, hard to say, do get implicated in the death tale so maybe they're doing what people often do and conflating the two? even though there's like 10-16 years in between them?

anyway as you can see i don’t think it’s wholly terrible / i’m not completely thinkshaming it. like, having cú chulainn raised by the morrígan is unorthodox but it could be a fun and creative direction so i don't object to it. making cú chulainn get sad about murder and choose to be a farmer is just fucking laughable tho, and makes me doubt their characterisations in general. so that's offputting and would probably make me think twice about buying it, if that had ever been on the cards.*

and of course sure, their cú chulainn can be a Sad Boy Who Likes Sheep, but that means he's not the cú chulainn of medieval irish lit / irish myth, because that cú chulainn is a feral murder teen who keeps killing his friends and also is way too high social status to ever be a farmer, and whose only relationship to livestock is as the watchdog who kills anyone trying to harm them (which is an important role on a farm! but like. not the same thing as Being A Farmer. mostly because it involves more murder and is essentially just an extension of his role as a warrior. or rather the other way around. he promises to protect mag muirthemne as a watchdog and this like. gets extended into him becoming its sole defender)

this has been my analysis of this blurb i hope you enjoyed it

it's now 2.30am i should try and sleep now that i've exorcised a few thoughts from my head

*as i mentioned in the tags of my other post, i don't tend to read graphic novels due to disability stuff. they're much harder for me to understand and follow than prose, to the point where some are incomprehensible, so i don't really enjoy them. there are a few i've read, but they tend to be short ones, and i'm usually not reading them in order, just admiring the art separately from the text. so it's unlikely i would read a graphic novel of this size anyway.

[cellard0ors]

Ficlet: Beneath The Surface

Mermay isn't over yet, so...

Link swishes his long blue tail with a sigh. The seas are so boring today. Absolutely nothing is going on. No migrations, no events with other Mers, nothing.

It's enough to make him want to bury himself beneath the sand, something he detests doing, but other Mers swear by. Good for the scales, reportedly.

Link just knows it makes him feel dirty, itchy. Yuck! No thank you. But he has to find something to do. He could explore some old human junkers, but he's pretty much combed over the ones in his territory.

He could move up towards the surface of the water - catch some sun, some wind, ride the waves - but, again - a well trod activity.

Besides, that activity is always borderline dangerous. Hard to say if a human ship will sail by. It's rare, true - his territory is far from shore. ALL Mers choose territory far from shore, but still - you never know - humans are a strange lot.

Now, thanks to the Mers interactions with Sirens in the ancient times, Mers do have the ability to protect themselves from such things.

The Sirens taught them the secret of their songs, and with them, if a Mer is unlucky enough to encounter a human, they can always sing, wiping the humans memories of the event.

But it's not something to be taken lightly, what with humans' general...strangeness. Link's heard some wild stories. Albeit he'll always be indebted to them for their invention of looking glass cases.

He has to wear a pair at all times, his vision oddly poor for a Mer. The local Mer sorcerer, Hobby, was the one who enchanted Link's cases, making sure they don't move or leave his face when he swims.

They can only be removed by hand and Link only does that when he prepares for bed - but all of this is besides the point - he's bored.

So what to do? Link swishes his tail more, propelling himself this way and that, when he feels a stirring in the seas. Something is...coming.

Looking up, he sees a large dark object descending towards him at a rapid rate, bubbles trailing up in its wake.

Alarmed, he backs away. Is it a net? An anchor of some kind? He is close enough to the surface for that to be possible...

Instead he sees a large rock shoot past him with a rope attached and attached to the other end of that rope? A human.

Link watches in horror as the combo rocket downwards. Humans can't breathe beneath the waves - they don't have the blessing of both gills and lungs like Mers do. Mers can survive on land and in the sea - humans cannot.

Yes, they can get very far with some strange equipment they wear sometimes, but this human does not have that as far as Link can tell in the blur of movement and now he's faced with a choice.

Intervene or don't.

Except no choice is really made on his part, as he instead acts on instinct, swimming swiftly alongside the descending debris. There's no way he can try to fight the propulsion and pull both up - he doesn't have the strength for that, but he can cut the rope

Hobby taught him enough Mer magics for that and so, moving as swiftly as possible, he mutters an enchant to sharpen his fins, making them capable of slicing through the rope in one swift swipe.

Once the rope is severed, the rock continues hurtling downwards, but the human? His downward spiral slows, enough for Link to get a good grip on them and surge upwards.

Up and up and up until they both break through the surface of the water. Link breathes in but he's not sure if the human (it's a man, he can tell that now, the shape of him rather distinct) is doing so.

It's hard to swim with the additional weight, much less to shore, but he has to try. With another muttered enchant, he increases his speed - too bad he doesn't know any spells to give him extra strength - his arms are burning.

Yet he'll have to thank Hobby later - if not for some lessons from him, this hu-this man, would've been doomed for sure.

He might still be for all Link knows, and he can't swim fast enough, even with the magic. Humans might have their issues, but if this one dies...

Link doesn't know why he feels so responsible, but he does, and he prays to Neptune as they approach the sands of an abandoned beach.

Once there, Link drags them to shore. Under the right conditions, he can create legs - pass for human. Many Mers do so in their first years of maturity - it's considered a rite of passage. You have to choose - the land or the sea.

Link already made his choice, but that doesn't mean the ability is completely lost. Still, he has no time for that. Instead he lugs them both up and immediately begins doing what he can to get the man to breathe.

He turns him this way and that, presses on his chest and belly and somehow, someway, water dislodges from him. The man makes choking sounds as a considerable amount of water bubbles up and out of his mouth and then-?!?

Breath.

The man is breathing. Link relaxes so much he nearly collapses on to his back. He did it! He saved the man! Now, with a job well done, he can return to the sea.

...

...annnny minute now...

But, well, he had been bored. And the man isn't awake...breathing, which is good, but awake no, so, Link could...

Or, um, actually, he already is inspecting him and is this a man? He has...so much hair...

Thick, curly hair that looks dirty blonde and is sopping wet and long and there's hair on his face too - a LOT of it and what an odd human...

Link looks him up and down and realizes this human is long. Standing, he must be quite tall. His legs go on forever. If he had a tail? What a sight that might be.

Link looks at his face again. It's a nice face. Strong, handsome, albeit obstructed by the hair (both from his head and face) on it and Link brushes away some arrant wet curls that stick here and there, trying to see more of the man.

His skin has been kissed by the sun - a fisherman, perhaps? It's an uncharitable thought, a nasty occupation as far as Mers are concerned, but still...

Link keeps looking at him.

Why can't he stop looking at him?

He's seen humans before. They're really not all that fascinating. But there's something about this one...he just feels drawn to him. Is it simply because he saved him?

Yes, that must be it. This human, this man... he's Link's responsibility, that's all. It certainly has nothing to do with the slope of his brow, or the shape of his lips, or-!

The man's eyes slowly open.

And Link is lost.

Green. Sea glass green. Green like those interwoven seaweed fields of his youth, the spirals found in a turtles' shells, green like-!

He's awake!

Link jerks back, realizing his folly. He has to sing! He has to coax this man back to sleep, he has to make him think this is a dream! He has to-!

"Wh-who?" The voice is husky, dark, enticing. Link can't ignore it, can't deny it, "Link."

Once the answer is out though, Link's eyes grow wide in alarm and he finds himself babbling, "Ah-! No! I-!"

And then, like a complete blubber fish, he falls apart, fleeing back to the sea and the safety of its waters. He swims out far and fast and gets a few leagues away before he finally risks peeking up over the surface again, somehow unable to help himself.

He peeks and the man... he's standing now. Standing tall and proud, one hand shielding his eyes as he looks out over the horizon. He looks and Link isn't sure if he sees him or not, but Link - still scallop brained - waves.

The man waves back.

...I might add more to this. It's more of a tease than a snippet tbh.

[cuinnamonbun]

The brothers being accidentally in love with the Muslim even though they can’t be with them... would they lowkey convince the MC or would they sulk lol

(Say if it goes for both ways, MC is a hopeless romantic lowkey lmao)

OOF. So much angst. This one is a real brain teaser, I had to read SOO many tragedy poetry and fics to get the feeling so excuse the sentimental writing LMAO. A bit of warning though, I feel as though the brothers are OOC in this which is seriously messing me up, but I didn’t want to leave you bare-handed!

I feel like this HC requires a bit of context in order for people to understand why I wrote the brothers’ reactions the way I did. So I’d like to iterate the fact that I, too, am a hopeless romantic and I definitely believe love can change even the most difficult man. I’ve always had this HC in the Obey Me! universe that every creature is fallible and that the brothers, once fallen, are now much more vulnerable to these new emotions than when they were angels since they’re no longer bound to the service of God y’know? 

So with that in mind, onwards to the HC!!

p/s: I’ll post the little brothers’ reactions soon, hope you liked this :)

How the Brothers React to Accidentally Falling in Love with a Devout Muslim MC (Big Brothers)

Lucifer

At first, this man will pursue MC for not-so-wholesome gains (cough corruption kink cough). Lucifer is a very decisive man. He knows what he wants and unashamedly goes after it and he will stop at nothing until it’s rightfully his

But in his pursuit, I could see him actually, really, really falling in love with MC

It’s their pure, kind soul that attracted him initially as with all the other demons, but the more time he spends with them, the more he gets sucked in until all he wants and craves is MC

It’s almost heart-warming if not a bit concerning

However in his chase for MC’s affection, Lucifer would forget one crucial detail: MC is a Muslim, one whom is devout especially now having seen angels, demons and hell right in front of their eyes and when he accidentally witnessed them praying, he will just shut down and instantly remember that they are not meant to be

To put it simply, it’s illogical for them to even be together

When the realisation dawns on him, he immediately turns a full 180 and become a massive dick to MC, even borderline cruel that shocks the brothers

If MC confessed their love to him, Lucifer’s heart would soar in happiness, but his pure, unadulterated love for them would force him to push them away and tell them that he doesn’t reciprocate their feelings

But I could also see his Pride taking factor into this.

A prideful demon such as he, who willingly defied God and fell from Heaven, he would absolutely REFUSE to have his partner so dedicated to God. 

It won’t sit well in him at all and it will absolutely leave a bad taste in his mouth

But this doesn’t change the fact that he’s still in love with them, a fact which he DESPISES and is DISGUSTED by

When they left the Devildom, Lucifer would do what Lucifer does best: repress his feelings. That, or take it out on Mammon lol

But seriously though, he would need an outlet for his anger, heartbreak and yearning and he would most definitely drown himself in work or by punishing his brothers.

He can pretend all he wants that he’s fine, but Lucifer’s cues are pretty easy to read especially since MC has managed to get the demon brothers’ to bond with and understand each other deeper beyond surface level (a miraculous feat, kudos to our MC), the others can definitely tell that there’s some serious repression going on

But Lucifer gets very snippy whenever the brothers try to help him with it, which irritates the HELL out of them and they would be too annoyed with him to even bother helping him now 

Now that his pride has driven away both the very person whom he loves and his brothers, Lucifer will become even more withdrawn and far, far lonelier than he was before MC came into their lives

Sometimes, he curses the circumstances that led them to him, even if they were the best thing that ever happened to his family

Yeah, heartbroken!Lucifer is just ;((( (Alexa play bitches broken hearts by miss billie eilish)

Mammon

This man is a capital S simp.

Mammon gets attracted to anything shiny/pretty REALLY easily (after all, it’s one of the main reasons why his symbolic animal is a crow) so him being attracted to MC at first didn’t really come as a surprise

I think he knows the difference between finding someone attractive and actually being in love with them despite having never even fallen in love before

He’s lived for centuries and plus, his own sister loved a human, he’s certain he has never felt that for anyone before

Him realising that he’s in love with MC would definitely come as a shock to him though. This tsundere can deny it all he wants, but he can’t deny the fact that MC’s mere presence alone gives him serenity and cardiac arrest at the same time

His initial reaction when he comes to terms with it would definitely be to flee and avoid MC like they’re the plague. But this man pines and when he does, his sin will flare up and MC will find themselves with a very clingy Avatar of Greed by their side

To Mammon, being in love is the equivalent of stepping outside of your home for the first time in weeks and feeling the gentle warmth of the Sun caressing your skin

He is gentler, more compassionate, and more attune to MC’s feelings. He definitely places them above Goldie because they are his most prized possession, the keeper of his heart, the rarest jewel and like everything he treasures, he takes extremely good care of them. But he would NEVERRR let MC or his brothers EVER know about that (sike, everyone knows it, he’s so soft for them it’s so obvious. They find it endearing though)

Which is why when he remembers that they’re Muslim and that they worship God, the very deity he curses and rebel daily against, his heart would break

He isn’t stupid (well, not all the time), he’s lived in the Celestial Realm before. He has seen the humans who reside there once they pass their mortal life. They were infinitely exuberant compared to the ones who were condemned to a lifetime of punishment in the Devildom for their sins

And he could never doom them like that, it would hurt him to see his love miserable and depressed down in the Devildom even if he would want nothing more than for them to be together forever

So, he would bottle up his feelings and try his best to live in the present and enjoy what little time he has with them, even though he felt like that entire year passed by in a flash (which, in demon years, is most definitely like the blink of an eye)

If MC reciprocates his feelings, I can picture him being so, so joyful about that fact, but he knew that their romance is a tragedy right from the beginning. He is a fallen angel, he can’t change his nature and he has transgressed against God in the worst possible way; by swearing eternal enmity towards Him.

I can’t picture him getting over them, even after they’ve passed and are thriving in the Celestial Realm

omg I'm gonna sob Alexa play Smile by Juice WRLD

Leviathan

We all know that Levi thinks of MC as his Henry, his number one best friend

And he’s right. There were no instances of their hangouts being anything more than platonic

When he first started falling for MC, he’d deny it like Mammon did

Him? In love with his best friend? Preposterous.

Eventually he’ll come to realise it though because they were probably watching hilarious videos on the Internet (cough Buzzfeed Unsolved cough) and Levi was so distracted because he was just staring at MC laughing suuuper hard at the video in pure awe. Like his lil demon heart just went doki doki

Pure joy is so beautiful on people and seeing it on MC?? They were  pulchritudinous

But even after coming to terms with it though, Levi becomes SUUUUPER shy and embarrassed about that fact that for the first few days, he avoided them because he couldn’t compose himself in their presence

Eventually our beautiful demon of envy will snap out of it by MC cornering him and tearfully telling him that they miss his company 

So now they spend even more time together and Levi will slowly become more confident around MC

This means soft, shy touches turn into ‘accidental’ brushes against them then to full lingering touches until finally, he becomes confident enough to throw his arms around them in a hug

Unfortunately, depending on the gender identity of MC, this may not fly all that well

In Islam, contact between opposite sexes whom you have no familial relation to/are not married to is considered a sin (I can elaborate in another post if anyone is interested in it though) and MC will have to politely turn him down, but this doesn’t mean that they hate him. It’s far, far from that

They have to be gentle in their explanation to Leviathan. This man’s self esteem is so low that if MC were to ever recoil from his touch, it would send him into a shame spiral and self deprecating thoughts that is much, much worse than before

So MC will have to remind him that they are Muslim, that they are bound to the services and will of God.

This reminder will destroy him though and his sin will absolutely consume him

He would become so, so envious of God that someone as amazing and wonderful as his MC is so dedicated to Him, and in his envy, comes wrath.

Though his wrath is not as potent as Satan’s, it is enough for him to act irrationally and ruin his friendship with MC

He just couldn’t stand to be around them because all he wanted to do is to hold them, kiss them and love them and his envy for them will become too much that he will start to breakdown because of it

I do picture him being a yandere though with his being the Avatar of Envy. If MC returns his feelings, it might be best that they keep it to themselves and not make it known because this man WILL latch on to them and never let them go

He would absolutely turn them against God if it meant he gets to be with them for eternity even after they die

[veliseraptor]

What kind of plot lines and main characters do you like?

This is...a very big question, anon, and I feel like I can’t encompass it fully without going on for a very long time, because while I am very predictable there are a lot of different things within that predictability range that I like, and sometimes I like unexpected things, and really my list of narrative kinks when you factor in things like plot and style is as long as my arm. 

But like, a few things that come to mind as sort of...characteristic Lise Bait in a work of fiction:

Depressed and/or fucked up protagonists. If your protagonist isn’t a mess of mental health issues then what is even the point!!! 

Ends-justify-the-means protagonists. This one is definitely not an always - I’m picky about it, and how it works, but I do really like a ruthless protagonist who has a very definite end goal and will do a whole lot of bad things getting there. Bonus points if the thematic angle is the question of when it crosses the line.

Mirroring/parallels, particularly between a protagonist and their antagonist. I’m a sucker for parallels. They make me lose my mind every time. Shadow/reflection parallels are even better. Dark mirrors! Distorted reflections! Like, I know the “we’re not so different” thing gets a lot of flack, and I understand why, but at its base it’s something I find very interesting, particularly when it doesn’t come with a straightforward rejection or repudiation of that comparison.

I want people to be uncomfortable. I want there to be questions. I want there to be recognition of the fact that it’s not as simple as “one person made good choices and one person made bad choices.” I want the parallels to be uneasy and not entirely resolvable. 

But also just like. Narrative parallels and reflections. Cyclical time, things that have come around once coming around again. Not just parallels between characters but parallels between events. 

A strong relationship between a protagonist and an antagonist. By which I specifically mean a personal relationship. I want them tied together in some way beyond “we want different things”! I don’t care if that means they’re related, or exes, or old friends, or...whatever. But I’m always going to be more compelled by a story that has, as part of its central conflict, an interpersonal dynamic that has to do with the protagonist’s personal investment or emotional connection to their antagonist.

Too-clever-for-their-own-good protagonists. I love a good chessmaster or just very smart protagonist, and I especially love it when it gets them into trouble. People who think themselves into corners! Like, he’s not a protagonist at all but the iconic motivation that is Elan Morin Tedronai’s thinking himself into a nihilistic spiral leading to his becoming one of the Forsaken? *kisses fingers* perfect.

So actually really this is just “too-clever-for-their-own-good characters” because it’s also a thing I love in a good antagonist, where part of their problem is a tendency to overthink. 

I’m pretty sure it’s an anxiety thing. I like characters who vibe with me on an anxiety level and “overthinking yourself into knots” is a very Me thing.

Corruption/redemption arcs. Either direction! Even better is both directions. It’s just that...arc of change, and choice (I’ve talked before about how apeshit I go over themes around choice and agency, yeah? cause...yeah), and seeing how step-by-step someone can either collapse (see below) or rebuild. The redemption arc part of this is a very gut-level desire for me in a lot of ways, particularly in the hard work of it. But a corruption arc can also be...mmm. Tasty. Love to see, as sort of explored above, someone starting out with the best of intentions and sliding gradually, little by little, into something very different.

And if they come out of it afterwards? Also fantastic. *waves at book four Xie Lian*

A good downward spiral. I mean, this is kind of aligned with the “corruption arc” but it is also just about the tragedy of it. Watching the gradual collapse of a person or structure, how things gradually just...gather into an almost inevitable seeming crash even as you can see, meticulously, every step that led there. People trapped between bad and worse choices and not being able to find a good way out. I’m a sucker for a “this is terrible but it is very hard to see it going anywhere else, there were all these roads off but because of who everyone involved is, no one would’ve taken them” story. 

Tragedy! In the classical sense! Yes thanks. 

I mean, also love to see how people pull out of it after, but sometimes you also just fuckin’ love the trainwreck. Like...I will write 1 million Yi City fix its but what pulls me toward that arc in the first place is how miserably doomed the whole thing is.

Prideful and narratively doomed. This was originally something I think I used to refer to the Feanorians, but it really is just a thing generally. As much as I love the absolutely lethal combination of arrogance and basement level self-worth, I also love Lucifer-type figures - full of pride, and stuck in a narrative that’s going to punish them for it. Not because I want to see proud characters humbled, either - that’s not the button that’s getting pushed here. It’s a tragic catharsis/hubris thing. 

I don’t really know how to explain it, I just know that I like it and it’s also very frustrating to me.

Other thematic things...I gravitate toward, like, works about imperialism/colonialism but also more generally about power and power dynamics, choice/agency (like I said before), explorations of narrative and how the power of narrative drives people in various directions...that’s a few cursory thoughts, anyway. Engaging with questions of what makes a person good or bad, things about perception/reality...idk, a lot of this is sort of ‘I know it when I see it and lose my mind over it.’ Oh! Narratives of futility. I have a thing sometimes for narratives of loss and futility, particularly of the ‘but keep going anyway’ stripe. *waves at thesis about The Silmarillion*

Honestly, when it comes to like...plot, I tend to be pretty interested in a variety of plots, and tend to prefer when they feel at least somewhat unfamiliar. When I read fanfiction I will seek out story tropes over and over again, but I think I’m less inclined to do that in my other reading. I’m much more likely to seek out themes than I am to seek out plots.

Loosely speaking I think my hierarchy of how much I care about a thing tends to go more or less like:

Characters

Theme

Prose

Plot

With prose sometimes taking precedence if it is very good, or theme coming higher on the list if it’s a particularly compelling exploration.

Anyway this is a very long-winded way of saying that I don’t actually have a list of plot tropes I feel like I seek out, unless you count certain types of character arc in that category.

[fairycosmos]

I have my finale exam tomorrow and I'm 99,9% sure that I'll fail. I feel like such a failure right now. I could retake the school year but why I understand the school work then, if I don't understand it now. I'll probably stay unemployed forever, because I'm so anxious at job interviews and I literally don't know how to talk to people. Maybe it'd be the best if I didn't exist because nothing would change if wasn't here anyway. I wouldn't be missed and I know I will never be happy anyway.

hey dude, listen. it sounds a bit like you’re spiraling right now and i really think it’d do you some good to just take a step back and breathe. i hope the test went okay, and by okay i hope i mean you got through it, because that’s literally all you can ask of yourself. it’s natural to be nervous about such things and if you’re also struggling with mental illness on top of that, it’s easy to get lost in the heaviness of that anxiety. making big unfounded assumptions about your future, feeling a sense of doom, thinking in black and whites instead of recognizing the nuance and middle ground - all of those are red flags, not reliable thought processes that you need to build your life around. it’s okay to process negative emotions, to be upset and to feel overwhelmed and to want to give up at at times. we all need to break down a little when we’re overwhelmed so we can let some of that pent up tension out. but that should look like allowing yourself to cry, reaching out to those around you, getting some rest, and removing yourself from situations that exacerbate the pain when possible. not harming yourself in hopes of dulling those emotions, because that’s how you get stuck in a cycle of self destruction that is more suffocating than just confronting the pain and trying to let it go. look, you’re young and life is generally a lot longer than it seems when you’re in school, in the sense that we learn how resilient we are over and over again. we’re supposed to ‘mess up.’ things go ‘wrong ’and then we carve our paths out of that, and we adapt. whether we realize it or not. you’ve done it before, and you can do it again. if it turns out you have to retake the school year, then with the extra time and maybe additional support from your teachers, the school work may become a little clearer if you give it the chance and try out new learning techniques to find what works for you. that doesn’t make you a failure at all. you clearly care a lot about your future, and you’ve already made so much more progress than you realize. i know it doesn’t seem like it in this moment. but seriously, whatever happens, after the initial disappointment and frustration, you WILL be able to return to a sense of normality. the extent of how much it hurts right now is not permanent. there’s truly no set time schedule for education, no matter how much they want to convince us otherwise. you just have to do what you can with what you’ve been given. that’s more than good enough. you’re more than good enough. and about job interviews - try to slow down. there’s absolutely no evidence that you will be unemployed forever, in fact it’s very unlikely, and your worth/future happiness doesn’t rely on that factor anyway. honestly, i’ve been to a few job interviews by now and i’ve always thought the same thing about myself. especially when i was in school, i thought i knew, that there was no way i could handle it, no way anyone would take me on. and they are uncomfortable and nerve wracking, sure. but they’re also not the beginning and end of the world. nobody is expecting you to be the worlds best talker especially when you’re new to the whole thing. it’s about showing your enthusiasm and your skillset, and if you dont believe you have one, you do. you just cant see it because you dont like yourself right now. i’ve been rejected from jobs too, and yeah it’s a dig at the self esteem, but it’s not a personal failure. it’s just the nature of applying for a position that loads of other people are also applying for. you learn to accept it. but you don’t even have to carry that weight yet, love. so try to recognize what your brain is doing by bombarding you with worries that are entirely out of your control, and that there is no actual proof of. more than anything, it’s important to remember that school nor your career defines everything that you are. we’re taught from a young age that we only deserve to be here if we’re ‘useful’ by capitalist standards, if we can justify the space we take up. but it’s a fucking lieeeeee. raising us like that is the only way to get us to work work work without questioning it too much. it’s got nothing to do with you and everything to do with the world being a soul sucking machine. so, relax. you deserve to be here and you deserve to be gentle with yourself, nothing changes that. not tests or the future or your self hatred. i know it’s hard to believe that such concepts apply to you, but they do. nothing and nobody would be better off without you, i promise. when you’re in a dark place it’s only normal to believe that you’ll never be happy, but it’s really not the case in reality. happiness is an emotion that comes and goes like all else, and it is entirely possible for it to become a consistent theme in your life. that is, if you’re able to make it through this part. if you’re able to try to engage in healthier coping mechanisms so that you see your situation from multiple perspectives, rather than just from a one dimensional ‘things will never get better’ stand point. even if you just have to survive hour by hour, until you get there.

i’d really recommend considering talking to someone about what’s happening in your head right now, man. i know that’s not what you want to hear and part of you will want to immediately write it off, but try to pause and keep it in the back of your mind. whether it’s a teacher, a parent/family member, a school counselor, a mental health hotline, a friend, your doctor - there are so many people out there who have the tools to help you learn to manage. and it doesn’t matter if the process is slow or non linear, or if you have to force the words out. all that matters is that you try. whatever that means to you, even if some days it’s just staying in your room and breathing through it. you can recognize that not wanting to be here any more is an unhealthy thought, indicating that there is a lot more going on beneath the surface, yeah? it’s alright to talk about that and to let others in. our mental health is often just as fragile as our physical health and sometimes it needs medical intervention in order to be adequately supported, and that’s totally fine.  yeah, opening up is embarrassing and yeah it’s not something anyone ‘wants’ to do, but it’s often very necessary, because it’ll allows people to be able to relate with and guide you. please consider your own needs and know that there is no shame in speaking up. even if you have to take some time to find the courage. honestly, you don’t even need to go into great detail. a simple ‘i need help and i’m not sure what to do’ is a great place to start with someone you trust, or someone who is in a position to help you. anyway, i’m sorry this got super long. navigating school is fuckin difficult at the best of times, and i’m infinitely proud of you for making it to this point and for being able to articulate your feelings like this to me. i have no doubt that you will be able to get through this if you give yourself the time and the tools do so. and i dont say that lightly at all. try to ground yourself for now, and start again tomorrow. if you want to talk about this properly or if you ever need a friend, my dms/inbox will be open. take care. focus on one day at a time.

[cpeacephoto]

               Sadly, my posting of old photos may be coming to a point where it is less frequent. I’m running out of old photos to post, particularly those that aren’t nude portraits in some way. Which is nothing else seem really old hat to me but maybe that’s just because I’m not 22 and full of hormones anymore. I need to take more photos so I have more things to post and talk about.

              I’m also noticing the community on Tumblr seems to be teens half my age. Maybe I’m just an old fart who doesn’t know how to use Tumblr? I’ve got absolutely nothing against teens. On the teen aspect, I wonder sometimes if my ranting is relevant, or even responsible.

              When we’re teens we’re going through so much. So many emotions, hormones, new situations, pressures. I can see where some of what I post becomes attractive or relatable if not just something to feel emotions to. But for most teens, these things will pass. It will change and it will get better. So I worry I’m not helping. I’ll get into that more near the end.

              It leads me to these photos today. These photos were taken years ago on the Bonneville Salt Flats. I’m sure there’s a place on the flats with an actual parking lot and visitor center but that’s now how we did it. This was probably the second time shooting this model. I’ll have to tell the story of the first another time. She was a little younger than I was grew up traditionally LDS but she herself wasn’t particularly religious or conservative. She actually seemed to like the idea of tattoos, alternative music, just being yourself even if she personally didn’t have tattoos. She was a HUGE lover of animals. Would end up one day a hedgehog breeder I think.

              On this particular day she took her dog with her and together in her old BMW she picked me up and we went down the highway. The highway at the flats is basically a straight line and no one is driving the speed limit. Lots of people whizzing by at 100+ miles per hour. Being the flats, there’s also a huge amount of wind. We drive for what must have been an hour and talked, always looking at her gas gauge as that limited what we could do. I remember at one point some of the rubber holding on the windshield of that old BMW caught the wind and just flung off the car. Made me think of being in a rocket ship and having a panel fly off.

              When we finally decided to take photos we just pulled over and walked out to the flats. It was vast, flat, and windy.

              To me, these are lonely photos. And I post them today because of it. The girl in the photos was someone I had several deep conversations with. And in many ways I think had I allowed myself to feel joy, I could have been friends with. It may be arrogant to think so, but maybe even something more. She was someone who saw my flaws and kept trying to tell me that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. And at some point in life because I couldn’t let myself have friends, let alone find love, and kept trying to tell myself I couldn’t form relationships with models or it was creepy… at some point I’d end up locking her out of my life. Suddenly, dramatically, and quietly.

              This last month has been one hell of a roller coaster ride emotionally. There have been developments that happened with my old friend. The kinds of things where you don’t necessarily go looking and somehow it just pops up. The kinds of things where suddenly a lot of things just sort of happen. Where other things just don’t happen. It’s been a month of spiraling out on anxiety and walking around like Jack Skellington going, “What does it mean? What does it mean?”. A month of trying to distract myself, feel emotionally distant, make mistakes, learn something about myself, respond to all the stress and anxiety differently. A month of things not being as bad as I thought and things not going as horribly as I thought. And on the rare occasion getting to pull out my telescope to see how my old friend is on their boat and just feel, happy or complete again for a minute. It’s been a long and strange month.

              Part of that month includes several people telling me something that I’m sure I’ve been told before by someone, but for some reason resonates now. It’s the notion that really nothing that’s happened is bad, or wrong. It doesn’t mean I’m a monster, that I’m a fuck up, or that my old friend even hates me. They probably just, don’t think of me because life has moved on for them. More to the point I’ve been told several times this month that the issue, not problem but issue, in my life is pain. Particularly that I keep punishing myself. And doing so to such an impossible and undeserving standard. As if all the punishment somehow makes everything that happened and all the time lost okay. As if should I ever not punish, then none of it would matter anymore. That if I just punish myself hard enough or long enough, that maybe life will go back to the way it was which it never will, but also shouldn’t necessarily and that’s okay. That punishment and pain have become an identity, and I’ve not allowed myself to know anything else.

              It makes me think of these photos. Because there’s been so many wonderful people along the way the last 16 years that I’ve locked out and pushed out. People I felt I couldn’t, or shouldn’t, associate with beyond a very strict point. I’ve missed out on so much. I’m at a point in my life where I don’t want to miss out on those things anymore. And I don’t want to live in punishment and pain. The time lost, is lost. But I still have the rest of my life. That perhaps there is something to be said for time served and enough is enough.

              In some capacity, even if it’s just chatting online on occasion, I’d like to move on with my old friend. Like I’ve said before, I’ve always had this weird feeling my path eventually leads me back to them. And without the worry of school, social groups, parents, the impending doom of “get life right or live in a van down by the river” now, they and I have our whole lives to get to know each other. And be who we need to be to each other.

              But even if it is just conversations online on occasion, which is progress I’m hoping comes from this month, or even if it’s nothing at all. I really want to enjoy life again with someone. I want someone to not lock out anymore.

              And I think that’s the lesson. “let it go” doesn’t mean forget about it, or it doesn’t matter. It means that at some point the only person punishing you, judging you, hurting you… is you. And the only way it’ll ever get better is if you forgive yourself and allow yourself to be happy again. Something some of the events of this month, be they good or bad, has shown me. It’s okay. SWAT isn’t about to bust down my door. It’s okay to feel something.

                Came across a podcast episode today that talked a little about this idea of Idiot compassion vs Wise compassion. It’s an interesting concept. One of those things that when you stop to think about it feels like you’ve always known about but just never really had defined before. That “duh” moment for me I guess.

                For most of us, the compassion we’ll see most often is going to be Idiot compassion. We’ll even be the dealers of it from time to time. We’ll see it mostly from our friends and our family when we’re not feeling our best.

              In Idiot compassion it’s when someone gives compassion for their own benefit. Because it makes them feel better. Because they personally don’t want to see this person suffering, or because if the suffering heed their advice they somehow gain. Such is of our friend stops being mopey we can finally go to the movies. It’s when they just want to make someone feel better, and so they don’t necessarily tell the suffering the truth.

              When we see someone we care about in a problem and we feel compelled to say something it is probably idiot compassion. Something done that probably isn’t going to really help the other person anyways. It is probably something nice for the sake of being nice. And it risks being something that may actually hurt or further the situation the suffering are in. This kind of compassion typically doesn’t take into context, see, or even care about the whole situation from an objective view.

              Your friends and family will likely give idiot compassion. As Lori Gottlieb says you may hear statements for example about a breakup similar to “He’s a jerk”, “you dodged a bullet”, “all men suck”, “never talk to an ex”. These people will commonly tell you things like you should date or sleep around to get over someone, that you just need to get over it, that’s it’s all in your head, that you should break up with someone because you had a fight, that you should marry this person because they are “perfect” or “perfect for you”. Such statements don’t really help you over time. They may feel good in the moment, but you may end up ultimately feeling unfulfilled about your “perfect” decisions, or stressed out anxious that you’re not doing as well as they said you should be or would be, or worst of all just back where you started.

              Wise compassion on the other hand might look at that same break up differently. In Lori’s case she talk about how the source of her struggle wasn’t ultimately that this guy was a jerk and her heart was broken. It was about how she thought she had her life planned out. She was getting married, doing all the right things, had a career, everything was planned out. She did everything right. And then all of a sudden, the plan wasn’t there anymore. There was no backup plan, she didn’t do anything wrong necessarily, and she was alone. The floor fell from underneath her.

              As such wise compassion first had to dive into why she was truly struggling in the first place. Maybe he wasn’t the right guy for her. Sure. At the same time, maybe the problem is she was doing everything for the wrong reasons? Maybe she wasn’t really getting the fulfillment she truly needed? Maybe she was surrounding herself with the wrong people, like “yes men”. Maybe she was depending too much on others, on ideals, on this plan, then really being honest with herself on her needs? You can have your dream job, be successful, and still not find it fulfilling if you’re not being honest with yourself.

              Wise compassion by far is harder to find, but oh so much more valuable. We often feel and maybe are ill-equipped to dispense it. It may not necessarily flatter us or the person being given to. But it’s the truth given in a compassionate way.

              In Wise compassion, the compassion we give is more skillful and meaningful. Its intent is not to say something for the sake of something, or to simply end someone’s suffering so we don’t have to watch it. The intent is to help bring release from suffering so they honestly feel better. In this compassion it may be necessary to shine a mirror upon the sufferer to show them something they may not want to see or otherwise didn’t see before.

              It is an interesting thought experiment to me because I’ve been thinking about a similar thing for a while not. There’s a lot of nice people in this world. And there’s a time and a place for that. There’s nothing wrong with nice people. But people who simply nice people, aren’t always meaningful people. They aren’t always honest people. Just because someone is nice, doesn’t mean you’re going to be the best of friends that they really care about you, that you should sleep with them, date them, or marry them. It doesn’t mean you should be investing your time, energy, life, heart and soul into them.

              They aren’t bad people, they’re just nice people. And there’s a lot of nice people who will likely be nice for a while. But ultimately, aren’t you kind of people.

“~Write your soul down word for word. See who’s your friend. And who is kind.~ Matchbox Twenty - You Won’t be mine”

              In my life I’ve met a lot of nice people. And someone of them I’ve tried to hold onto longer than I should have, some I’ve lost myself in just to have someone who was nice around. There’s some who I pursued relationships with that ultimately didn’t work out because, they were just nice.Or because I didn’t truly allow myself to take the risk of actually feeling happy and connection again.

              There have been very few people in life who I’ve found had wise compassion. People who were truly honest, in a compassionate way. Who spoke my language, who I cared about.

              Like so many of these posts, it makes me think of my old friend. In part, because it always seemed like they could always find nice people. There was always an unlimited supply of nice people to surround them. To get lost in. How can you deny the voice of the crowd? They can’t all be wrong right? And it’s so much nicer over there what they have to say. But the voices of yes men and nice people, of Idiot compassion, isn’t always helpful. It isn’t necessarily fulfilling in the long run.

              I’ve been known to give people Idiot compassion like everyone else. But when it came to my old friend, I always tried to be honest. Even if it wasn’t fun to say, even if it wasn’t at my favor. I love their art. But no, I don’t love every piece. No, it’s not okay right now. Its okay it’s not okay right now. It��ll be okay someday. I love some of the things they do, and yes sometimes the problems we had were my fault. I own that. I’ve always felt like it was far more important to tell them the truth than to say something sweet just to be sweet.

              From my end, I’ve met a lot of nice people. I’ve had a lot of Idiot compassion happen to me. People who feel like emotional tourist. It’s part of why I feel for women. It’s so easy to have tourist show up because someone is feeling lonely, or horny, and the when the feeling passes in the morning or years down the road the tourist is gone only to be replaced by another. In my life I’ve had a lot of cliché’ platitudes lobbed at me. But I’ve had very few people be they stranger, tourist passing through, friends, family, or medical people, who were truly dispensers of Wise compassion. And there’s been so many times when I’ve needed it.

              I think that’s part of the reason why I respect and admire my old friend so much. They were probably the last person who I had that dispensed Wise compassion to me. And they were possible the only person I ever felt truly honored to try and reciprocate. I suppose in the end, after all this time I just hope beyond hope that I get that opportunity again someday.

              While I’m not really big into the holistic or the metaphysical, I do want to be a romantic and optimistic. There’s a thing called manifesting where you work towards your goals yes. You don’t lose focus and you don’t give up. But you try to stay positive, have happy thoughts, think about what you want and just hold on to that thought. I’m not really sure how much I buy into all of it. But I’ve got time. So I’ve been trying to manifest a conversation via happy thoughts and thinking about that conversation happening someday. Who knows, maybe it’ll all pay off sometime.

[austerlitzborodinoleipzig]

Ranking the GPF programs - Junior Pairs

Thought it was a bit too late to be doing that... And now Worlds are cancelled, and my country has entered full confinement mode, so let’s do this. 

SP

6 - Yulia Artemieva/Mikhail Nazarychev - Senza Parole, by Il Divo

One thing I hate is that trend to take iconic pieces of classical music and slap lyrics in italian instead of the melody. Here’s it’s Moonlight Sonata. To me it feels like a cheap way to do deep emotionsTM. So yeah. I hate the music here. The choreo is... unremarkable. 

Costumes : 5/10 boring grey. 

5 - Ksenia Akhantieva/Valerii Kolesov - Interstellar OST

Their last season’s SP. The music is nice, there are some nice touches here and there and a build-up to the step sequence... And since they are quite musical, the step sequence is always quite nice... Decent.

Costumes : 6/10. I like Ksenia’s new dress, with the silver top. Dislike Valerii’s silver suspenders. 

4 - Diana Mukhametzianova/Ilya Mironov - Czardas, by Mario Monti

I kinda miss their crazy FS to the Crack of Doom. Music was.. WTF to put it gently, and a bit overbearing, but that was original. 

But I like Czardas. Has been done a lot, but the music is great, and the choreo here is very nice. Mostly my problems here lie with the execution. M/M are still rough around the edges, and their skating skills are not the best, tho they have improved over the course of the season. They struggle with the steps, and tend to be a little wooden sometimes. 

Costume: 10/10. First of all, they get bonus point because pants for the lady. Then, I just love the details, Ilya’s vest and red belt. The embroideries on both their shirt. The golden seams on Ilya’s pants. Diana’s red and green ribbons in her dress. Everything has been thought through. 

3 - Annicka Hocke/Robert Kunkel - Wasting My Young Years

Here I don’t really like the music, but I like the choreo, and especially the lift. Nice execution, and Annicka always sells the mood of the program well.  

Costumes : 6/10 I like Annicka’s purple and pink dress, over the white shorts. Robert is just a block of black...

2 - Apollinaria Panfilova/Dmitry Rylov - The Matrix OST

I appreciate P/R going out of their comfort zone and testing different styles of skating. This is commendable, and I think they pulled off this challenge quite well. It took some time. At the beginning of the season they tried too hard to be intense, and ended up as rushed and frantic. Their performance at Junior Worlds in that aspect was much much better. I have a problem with the step sequence tho. Again, it looks to busy and frantic. And it’s mostly because the steps are not choreographed on the music. 

Costume : 9/10. Polya looks great in that pantsuit, but it doesn’t sit so well on Dima. 

1 - Alina Pepeleva/Roman Pleshkov - L.O.V.E., by Michael Bublé. 

A small gem. It’s not groundbreaking or anything, but it’s fun and cute. Great choreo with nice transitions here and there (that entry into the death spiral is still one my favorite of the season)

Costumes : 7/10 a bit basic but well done, and I love Alina’s red dress. 

FS

Mostly a great selection. I can’t say I hate, or even dislike any of them.

6 - Diana Mukhametzianova/Ilya Mironov - Chess

Okay. Don’t enjoy the music, and the choreo is unremarkable, but you know, it’s all right. 

Costumes : 6/10 a bit old-fashioned? idk, the chess pattern is cute, but I don’t like the cut. 

5 - Ksenia Akhantieva/Valerii Kolesov - Shine On You Crazy Diamond, by Pink Floyd

Again, one of those programs designed by your coaches to make you grow as an artist. Some nice touches here and there. Ksenia and Valerii definitely lack the polish and fluidity of movements to sell it, but it’s a step in the right direction. 

Costumes : 5/10 actually the only thing I remember about the costumes, is that there’s pants for the lady (good)... and that’s it? 

4 - Alina Pepeleva/Roman Pleshkov - Roméo et Juliette, de la haine à l’amour

One thing I like more than trashy french musicals is Russian skaters’ love for said musicals. Les Rois du Monde is an absolute BOP, and having that music be the climax and triumphant finish of P/P’s FS is everything I never knew I needed. Lots of things I like here: the death spiral, the choreo sequence, the lifts, the combined spin... Yes, it’s nice. 

Costumes : 8/10 Honestly I don’t really like that type of costumes, and I did not like them on Volosozhar/Trankov either. Also the story behind the costumes : obviously that’s an hommage to V/T but, that’s mostly an hommage to the costume designer who passed away last summer. So to honor her memory, and because they had a Romeo and Juliet FS, the coaching team decided Alina and Roman should wear those costumes. Alina’s dress is Tanya’s. Roman’s costume is basically a new costume all-together because he’s taller than Maxim so alterations were made for the costume to fit. 

3 - Annicka Hocke/Robert Kunkel - Do You Love Me/Cry To Me

Unpretentious fun jukebox program, that allows Annicka to shine, and show her bubbly personality. What else could you ask for?

Costumes : 9/10 Simple, but I love that summer party vibe. 

2 - Yulia Artemieva/Mikhail Nazarychev - Queen medley

One of my favorite programs of the season actually. I actually like the music cuts here, and I like the energy of that FS, and how into it Yulia and Mikhail get. Also the ending pose is cool. 

Costumes : 6/10 I like the idea. Yulia’s costume is cool... Mikhail’s one is weirdly cut, with a big piece of illusion fabric on the belly... Why??

1 - Apollinariia Panfilova/Dmitry Rylov - No One Ever Called Me That

That program is just a never-ending flow of gorgeous elements. It’s one of those programs that I can’t remember anything about after I finish watching it... Sounds like a failure, and it should be... Except here it works. It works because Panfilova/Rylov’s skating is so beautiful I could just watch it all day. So I don’t care if I keep forgetting what that FS looks like, because every time I watch it I experience it anew. 

Costumes : 9/10. I’m not fan of white on ice, because I think it tends to melt with the surroundings, but I love the shape of Polya’s dress, I love the neckline and the details. 

[pilferingapples]

Assuming les amis’ (probable) involvement in the July revolution and thus experience, do you think they expected to die at the June Rebellion? Im sure they were aware it was a risk, ofc, but do you think they knew they were going into a suicide mission?

No, I really don’t!  

..SIGH. I want to put a cut here but apparently I still can’t do that with Answers?  ugh anyway anyone who doesn’t want…uh..Spoilers For Les Mis?!? Scroll on down now, and sorry to everyone who wanted a shorter post >

 Hugo knows it will be, obviously, and he makes sure the reader knows, and I think maybe sometimes some people project that onto the characters. But the barricade fighters*–named or unnamed–don’t start talking about the barricade being doomed until after the first breach attack (when Gavroche is the first to suggest it, saying he wants to be back before the guards take the barricade, though even that isn’t necessarily  a pronouncement of doom, given how barricades should  be temporary–Dumas writes about leaving a fallen barricade in ‘30 , it happened– but then again Gavroche is an aspect of Paris so he totally could  be acting as narratively-designated Prophet there).  Yeah, Enjolras tells Javert he’ll be shot “ten minutes before the barricade is taken” , but I read that as a Conditional (if the barricade isn’t  taken, Javert won’t be shot, because there will be no need; if the revolution succeeds, then Javert is no threat, and can go free or face a trial under the new government or w/e).   I don’t think the Amis and the unnamed fighters come to see death and defeat as an absolutely certain  outcome until Enjolras comes back from his reconnaissance and tells them it is.

A key point on this is that when they think the barricade is doomed , the people who are seen as its organizers try to make other people leave.   The Amis might have been willing to take on a suicide mission themselves, if they’d seen it as a crucial one, but they weren’t rallying forces for that. 

I think in general there’s an Ominous Portentous Doom Spiral going on: the murder of the porter, the execution of Le Cabuc/Claquesous, the death of Mabeuf, the death of Bahorel and of Prouvaire,** they all add up Symbolically, and on a Watsonian level the fighters surely must feel that they’ve had some hard hits–but until Enjolras comes back and says that there’s nothing to hope for, they still believe they’re in it to win it:

“ The insurgents, we will remark, were full of hope. The manner in which they had repulsed the attack of the preceding night had caused them to almost disdain in advance the attack at dawn. They waited for it with a smile. They had no more doubt as to their success than as to their cause. Moreover, succor was, evidently, on the way to them. They reckoned on it. With that facility of triumphant prophecy which is one of the sources of strength in the French combatant, they divided the day which was at hand into three distinct phases. At six o'clock in the morning a regiment “which had been labored with,” would turn; at noon, the insurrection of all Paris; at sunset, revolution. (5.1.3, Hapgood translation)” 

 Even after that, they have a brief resurgence of hope in the morning– it just dies down again soon after. 

“ In the chaos of sentiments and passions which defend a barricade, there is a little of everything; there is bravery, there is youth, honor, enthusiasm, the ideal, conviction, the rage of the gambler, and, above all, intermittences of hope.One of these intermittences, one of these vague quivers of hope suddenly traversed the barricade of the Rue de la Chanvrerie at the moment when it was least expected.

“Listen,” suddenly cried Enjolras, who was still on the watch, “it seems to me that Paris is waking up.”

It is certain that, on the morning of the 6th of June, the insurrection broke out afresh for an hour or two, to a certain extent. (5.1.13, Hapgood)” 

So not only are they not heading there intending to die at first, Watsonianly, most of the fighters–even Enjolras!– don’t totally and finally accept that they’re doomed until sometime in the second day. 

Notes:

* Some characters who aren’t really there to fight do definitely see it as a place of Inevitable Death–Grantaire obviously fears it, Javert surely doesn’t think much of their chances, Eponine wants  to believe it’s doomed  (”we are all going to die! I’m so happy!”) , and Marius definitely goes there intending  to get himself killed, as Mabeuf also seems to. Because this is a Romantic Novel, they’re right!   But the Amis and most of the fighters are there to win a revolution, not to have a Romantic Death-Off Competition:P 

**Eponine of course dies here too, but since no one but Marius sees her, I can’t count her as having any particular effect on Group Morale. Also, they lost more than two fighters in the first attack, but since those fighters don’t get named I..can’t name them:/

[dahniwitchoflight]

Candy 24-28

Yeah interacting is one way of putting

I think the closer Meat and Candy come to eachother though the closer they’re both gonna self destruct

“It will stay here for millions more years, where it will remain indefinitely on a barren, desolate Earth C, waiting to host a single cherub child, chained to its bedroom. But for now, it hosts these three.”

Alright so Earth C doomed to failure confirmed, it needs to be a barren desolate wasteland if it’s gonna be the literal planet for Calliope and Caliborn’s birth

oh my god.

That’s why Gamzee raised the baby cherub

what seemed so out of character for someone like Gamzee to do so long ago now makes perfect sense

He thought it was his role to raise Caliborn in that stupid ass LE/Dirk philosophy

Aww, Terezi’s dying ):

Aradia and Sollux are acting as Alltie’s like, double attendants?

Is that like, a flipside of Gamzee’s whole mirthful messiahs thing where he is on LE’s Side?

I mean, Aradia is pretty 8D and Sollux is pretty D8 as characters

That was a really good conversation from Terezi and John

It really does like, firmly solidify to me that Terezi and John retconning the fact that Vriska died to Terezi’s sword way back then was absolutely the incorrect way of handling things

it’s the cornerstone for how things have been ripped apart all this time since then i think

when it first happened, it was tragic and necessary and developed the characters into a certain way of being

Terezi’s got depressed and into a bad state of being, so now, we’ve been given the flipside and shown what would happen if Vriska had been spared in that moment

and the answer is

the same goddamn thing, Vriska leaves her, Terezi can’t get closure from it and her life spirals downward from there

except here were sort of shown what might have been her saving grace, an actual system of support from someone she cares about, and someone she can support in return

what an actual relationship is actually supposed to be

the reason why constant relationships didn’t solve her problems everytime she made new ones is because they were relationships built solely on whims, feelings, maybe some physical passion

but none of them actually offered any actual support or companionship

wanting to love someone really really hard and wanting to be loved by someone really really hard doesn’t solve your problems no,

but having someone to help you through those problems and work on them with you does actually help solve problems

I think that’s the key difference here in asking “which relationship would “”fix”” Terezi” the answer being the only actual two-way relationship she might have ever had

Channel change time for Karkat

and an alive Meenah, I forget how that happened in Meat but eh

anyway next page

“But if he doesn’t care that much, and there’s nothing to it, then why does he do it? Why does he seem to put care into the nonsense he badgers her with? He supposes he could ask the same of many features of his life. Why does he care? Why does he put the time in? When you can’t shake the feeling that nothing here has much intrinsic meaning—or rings as “canon,” to drop a term he has to admit has worn out some welcome in his vocabulary—how does one justify even leaving the house? “

that phrase there, “Nothing Here has much intrinsic meaning -or Rings as Canon” feels like a double meaning

on the one hand, John is saying nothing in this world feels like it’s actually real

on the other hand, the phrase can be read as “There are no Rings of Canon in this world” as physical objects

and we just got done seeing a page about the Life Ring

I wonder if those rings are not also imbued with some idea of not just Life, but canon?

and if that’s the case

maybe the two rings really are each half of what would become the house juju cursor thing

going on with the symbolic metaphor of two opposite objects mutually self destructing and creating something new

maybe when you destroy both rings by bringing them together, in the wake of their destruction would form the original plot hole - the cursor juju, a literal canon shaping hole in the plot

it’s kind of like the idea of two similar dimensional things coming together to make a higher dimensional thing, themselves seemingly being removed from those lower dimensions in the process

like, what happens when you fundamentally merge two perfectly identical 2 dimensional circles?

you get a singular 3rd dimensional sphere and no more 2d circles

so what happens when you merge two 3rd dimensional circular rings? 

a literal 4th dimensional “hole” in canon where they once were

that’s my thinking anyway

anyway back to John having a breakdown over Terezi’s death

man Candy sure is something, I can’t really decide which one I found more interesting Candy or Meat

I felt like there was maybe more to react to in Meat, but there’s interesting bits in Candy as well

oh damn though ten year time skip on the next page O.o

oh fuck we skipped the war and gone straight to the dystopian nightmare havent we

their curfew is 13 minutes after midnight??? that’s so odd, also that makes it either 12:13 or 00:13 however you look at it

oh look, It’s JohnVris 2.0

huh, Karkat and Meenah got a love story out of it too

Now I wanna see a photoshop of like, Big Boss or whathisface from metal gear but just like trollified and with karkat’s horns

So Candy is definitely representing this idea of a character’s potential for the kinds of story arcs they might have, no matter what ends up happening

John stepping into his dad’s shoes and becoming a loving husband and father

Karkat becoming a revolutionary against a twisted tyrannical planet

these individual story beats all fall in line with their characters and what they might have been, had sburb never have been involved in their lives in the first place, is what I think

Roxy pops out a baby and become a mom after having a romance with a dashing young man is basically Rose’s Mom Lalonde’s storyline

Rose eventually becoming a key figure in a rebellion on a tyrannical version of earth is the same story here on Earth C as it was in the history of Roxy’s original planet as HER Mom Lalonde

but its the context of the story that makes it different or not

but these core tenants of the kinds of things and choices all these characters would do doesn’t really change all that much when you strip them down into their simplest forms

so in a way, even though nothing here is canon, it’s giving the audience and idea of what the story would be like if it was canon, how characters might react or grow up to be and the potential they have for doing certain things

but doing that also takes away all the nuance and symbolism of why it’s relevant and important for each story, and context matters intensely

John seems to reconcile with Jade and Dave if he’s the best man at their wedding

and if Dave is marrying Jade and John’s here and their all okay and it’s being held at Jake’s mansion....

no their making it clear theyre siding with Rose and Kanaya, but not as much as they could be I guess

Damn Roxy, I expected better of you, really? But she’s honestly just trying to gravitate towards the thing that makes her personally the happiest, with no regard to how she’s throwing everyone under the bus, p selfish of her

and for real, she’s with the people she always considered her closest friends

Jake’s actually the one going against their grain the most, but that might be because the closest person to him is already dead, and then his runner up is viewing Jade as his alt universe grandma. his channel with Jane is ruined and well, Jake wasn’t close with Roxy or Callie

people just value certain relationships over others sometimes

damn this one ends on a really somber note though

extremely filled with nostalgia of missed potential

Candy is where nothing went right for anyone technically

Oh shit it’s real Vriska, who fell into the black hole in Meat yeah?

Yeah with the way shes screaming about needing to see what happens when you beat the final boss it’s that Vriska hoo boy

hilariously channeling the desperation of the people who read this when it first dropped no wonder though

I am noticing in Candy that despite more and more history being generated, I have less and less to react to

that one line though about what the passage of time must feel like to immortals, that feelings of what used to feel like a day now only feels like a couple hours, what used to feel like a week now feels like a couple days

time gets faster the more you live it

pretty soon a day will be but a blink of an eye for people like John