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thisiskatsblog · 3 years

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Hey, sorry if this is too personal or if you’ve already answered it. Would you mind telling how you realized you were bisexual? I’m kinda confused and struggling a bit 😫

Hi there! Warm hugs to you! Confusion happens. Struggling with that is really normal and okay. Whatever it is that’s confusing you, there’s probably a lot to unpack, but it’s good you’re not running away from it. For me, there were cues all along, but clarity came when for the first time, and this was in my mid- twenties, I allowed myself to sit with all of my feelings, without pushing any of them away. Because pushing them away, I only then realized, I had been doing for a very long time.

It was almost insignificant. My partner commented positively on the female violinist at a Sparklehorse concert. I was really pissed and scolded him about it. He said I shouldn’t feel so offended as “She’s your type”. For a moment I felt like I was about to explode. He meant to say she looked like me, but for a second I understood something different. And I had a flash of realization. I had been about to act offended, which would have been blatantly homophobic, but underneath, I had also felt a tinge of relief, YES she WAS my type, I liked this woman, I’d do her. And it was this mix of “oh god I almost acted like a homophobic prick” and “oh god FINALLY someone GETS me” that made me realize - OH. I have these feelings, and they have been making me miserable, because I feel like I should be pushing them away. But what if I didn’t act like a prick to myself, what if I stopped being scared of them, stopped pushing them away? I watched the rest of that concert mesmerized by the wonder of my feelings for Sparklehorse’s cute violinist, and realized, yes, I feel sexual desire for women, and that’s never going to go away. My sexual desire for men had always been clear and without question to me, I knew that wasn’t going to go away either. So that was the start of a long, and still ongoing, journey of gradually looking my feelings in the eye, and starting to understand I was always going to feel attracted to more than one gender, and trying to navigate that fact in a biphobic and bi erasing world. It is not always easy and simple. I don’t feel I’m fully there; but looking it in the eye really made me a better, nicer, happier person.

I have probably shared the full story in the past and I may have tagged it “bisexuality” or “me”, but I feel ya so I’m happy to tell the story again. Under the cut. And: always here to talk.

Clearly it’s something that was always there, and the realization came in many many stages. When I first heard of the concept gay people (it was the eighties, in the context of AIDS) I asked my mom “but what if I turn out to be gay” and her absolute certainty that I wouldn’t, really did not sit right with me. I was 8 and could not imagine getting naked with anyone, but I could imagine marrying a girl. I think I already realized I liked some girls a bit more than others in my very early teens, but it took the form of strong admiration. I grew up in a strongly religious and homophobic environment, incredibly powerful incentives all around to ignore those feelings, stay far away from them, not explore them, just, pretend they were not there and label them “I just REALLY want to be her friend”. Just blame that tingly feeling in your chest when you sat close and she talked in your ear on the strong smell of her perfume. And later, telling yourself this is a phase, a test. Yep, must be God testing me - praying (something i considered useless long before I lost all faith), but praying, probably the last time I did it, please God, help me, please let this go away. I cried an entire night long. And forgot about that episode for more than ten years. Pushed it as far as I could in my memory.

Knowing for absolutely sure I liked guys, I was sure I could not be a lesbian (and didn’t want to be, the homophobia was deeply engrained) and I was sure this would eventually go away. And it did, I got a boyfriend, he was cool, and beautiful, and delicate, and he had long hair. Boyfriends came and went until I met a girl who instantly became my best friend on the day we met, and someone - probably thinking we looked cosy - handed us a flyer to an LGBT event at uni that same day (I should write a fic based on this I know). She said “let’s go, for fun”, and me, remembering the goddess from high school who had inspired my desperate prayers, though, yeah, I should look into this, and said, “yeah, for giggles”. We went and I... did NOT feel at home. I’m rather femmy, and most of the women there were pretty butch, and I just... did not feel attracted or like I belonged. I also didn’t like it when the groups split up and the guys went elsewhere. We watched a lame movie about a woman discovering herself and my friend had opinions. One of which was “I don’t want to go for the drinks after, you’re prettier than any of the girls here anyway, let’s go to mine and have some tea”. I am pretty flirt blind I have to tell you that at this point. Over all the years that we were best friends we emotionally functioned as a co-dependent couple, but I never took any of those things she said, like “you are more important to me than any boy could be” seriously. Like, at all. I was pretty dense. Plain stupid, really. But I agreed with her and said, yeah no, not interested, let’s have tea at your place. All the environmental homophobia had deeply hidden me from myself. So we stayed best friends who acted a bit like a couple.

So i was completely oblivious, but it must have been around this time that I at some point woke up from a very sexy, pleasing dream, which I had not wanted to wake up from, and realized, hey, that was a girl, with delicious boobs, lush lips and beautiful curly hair I was just dreaming of. SHOCK. It was not a phase... By then I’d had sexual experiences, had grown comfortable with being a sexual being (coming from such a religious upbringing, that in itself took ages) and I could look it in the eye. Sexual desire for women. But I thought it was just that. Hmm, I apparently like thinking of sex with women. Not a hair on my head that considered a romantic relationship, building a life with a woman. It was before women could get married to eachother and have children. Ellen had come out maybe a year or two before, or three, or five, I don’t know - point is: I didn’t know any long term female couples. There were no examples.

That said, my friend and I were sometimes perceived as a couple (I will never forget the time someone congratulated us on planning to move in together, or the time someone called her my sweetheart instead of my friend (girlfriend and friend are the same word in Dutch, so I cannot imagine the times people used that word meaning something other than I took it for, or the times I said it and people took it for something else). But people really close to us thought we were an item. Except there were boyfriends, coming in and out of our lives through revolving doors. They generally didn’t bother me. I mean, mine, always delicate long haired boys, sometimes wearing makeup or girls’ clothes, DEFINITELY did not bother me. But they annoyed her. She never thought any of them was good enough for me. I didn’t think any of her boyfriends were quite good enough for her, but she was clearly also not serious about them, so they didn’t bother me. Until we made plans to move into an appartment together and she sent me househunting with her then boyfriend who was also looking for something, and he inadvertently said “i don’t need something big, I expect I’ll be spending most of my time at your apartment”. I cancelled the plans immediately and I didn’t even know why it hurt me so much.

Worst. Breakup. Ever. She was extremely upset over it as well. People who knew us well could just not get what had happened. And it took me years to figure out how I had been separating my strong emotional attachment to her very neatly from any sexual attraction I felt to the female body. Years later, I figured out that my behaviour on a beach holiday with our respective temp boyfriends, had been pure jealousy and repression. One time she wanted to bathe topless and I got completely upset. My boyfriend was upset at me “not trusting him”, her boyfriend was upset at me “being a prude”, and she was upset at me refusing to look at her and “treating her like a slut” (I wish). But really I was scared shitless. I did not want to look at her boobs. Without being in any way conscious of it, I looked away to avoid having to recognize sexual feelings. That same holiday her boyfriend at some point stood stark naked on a table. I looked away from his private parts as well, a little less though, those feelings were also not desirable considering he was her boyfriend, but - you know - more familiar, and less scary. When I heard her bumping the headboard in the room next door, I wanted to have loud sex with my boyfriend too.

And years later, I had sex with her boyfriend as well. After he’d long been dumped and replaced, after I’d cancelled the moving in plans. After she and I had tentatively started talking again. I begged him never to tell her anything about it ever. It felt like the worst betrayal, as I knew she had truly cared for him and I couldn’t bear for her to find out. I don’t think she ever did. I also never stopped feeling guilty about it. What she thought of me was the only thing I cared about.

There was a short interlude with a hot redhead I’d developed sexual desire for, still not taking the possibility of a relationship with a woman seriously, and running into her in the underwear department with exactly the same set in her hands, and thinking, oh, to buy underwear for her, wrap it, gift it to her on her birthday, and that eliciting the picture of a longer term relationship with her, and thinking, yeah for her I might not mind people thinking i was gay, I’d be proud to introduce her to my friends - an easier thought to entertain when it’s entirely hypothetical and also realizing then: uhm. People thought I’d be a lesbian, like they now think I’m straight. Perhaps this is the reason why I do not know anyone who is bisexual. I just think of them all as straight, or gay. The invisibility of people who are bisexual was a really difficult one for me. It’s SO difficult to picture coming out as bisexual when no one you know is living any kind of example. Anyway. This was a fantasy, but a useful one in making progress towards understanding myself.

Enter the man I ended up having a child with. He had been in the picture for a while. The “girlfriend” from before (that’s what I call her now) had always warned me off him, didn’t think we’d be a good match. But I really liked him, that wasn’t going away. So when it turned out he liked me too, we got together and it worked. It was our last year of uni, and after, she moved away for an internship, and I moved in with him. She visited once, which led to his confession that he hated her guts, and her confession that she hated his, followed by a list of denigrating comments about our living circumstances. She was clearly not supportive of the relationship that was everything to me so the decision was easy to cut her out. This was even worse than the first “breakup”, complete with nightmarish dreams and withdrawal symptoms. I kept dreaming about her an din those dreams we’d make up and apologize for all the horrible things we had said and done to eachother. I also kept having sexual dreams of Madonna, and a hot friend of ours. Which I’d discuss with my boyfriend. He could relate. It must have been around this time that I started truly questioning the nature of my lost relationship with the girl.

The relationship with my boyfriend was good but I did display some serious unpleasantness around... certain issues. I’d always had that with my boyfriends. I had issues with pictures of beautiful girls on their walls. Particularly if they had nice boobs. They had all seen that as inappropriate jealousy or prudishness. Jealousy it was, but not the kind they thought. To me, the realization FINALLY came as I was at a concert with my boyfriend, and he was talking appreciatively about a female violinist. I acted angry and upset. He called me a prude. I denied it. He called me jealous. I denied it. He thought I was acting like a pain in the ass anyway and said I should feel honoured, cause “She’s your type”, he said.

And my brain went “Ah”. Indeed, she is my type. I’d do her. BUT I CANNOT SAY THAT AND I HATE YOU FOR BEING ABLE TO SAY THAT. I was jealous, cause he was allowed to express desire for women, and I felt that I was not. So that was it, my aha moment during a Sparklehorse concert. He had meant ‘she looks a bit like you’, I got him completely wrong, but I am so thankful I did.

That’s unfortunately not the end of the story. But it was the turning point. I had finally understood. It was the starting point of me revisiting all the past issues, stringing all the beads I just painted for you together, making sense of my own story. I made a resolution then and there, that - whatever else - I was probably never ever going to come out, because bisexuality did not exist in my world, but I would allow myself to feel sexual desire for women. I was going to stop hating myself for it, and I was going to stop hating others for being allowed to feel something I didn’t allow myself to feel. I instantly became a much more pleasant person to everyone I know. And enjoyed my raunchy dreams about Sparklehorse’s violinist, Madonna, and a certain redhead.

On online fan forums I started migrating to LGBTQ content, it was my way of staying in touch with my community, as there was none in my real life. There was no local bi group that I knew of, and though I did attend some lesbian parties with a lesbian friend, besides her, most lesbians I met were not very welcoming. The fact that I had a boyfriend of course did not help. I should not be blaming them.

I found my people online. Started introducing myself to people I met online as bi. Started figuring out how I had been suppressing my sexual desire for women. Then when I couldn’t deny that anymore, had been separating my emotional attachment to women from sexual desire. Realized that societal heteronormativity had made it almost impossible for me to conceive of women as potential long term romantic partners. Casual sex with women I could definitely conceive of, and co-dependent strongly emotional more than friendships eclipsing all the men entering and leaving through revolving doors. But a healthy, stable, romantic, emotional and sexual partnership with a woman? That seemed impossible to me.

I worked hard to change that, and opening my mind to it, and to the idea that sometimes, you love more than one person at the same time; This has really helped me accept my feelings, myself, who I am. And as I said, it made my life a lot better. It’s gradually allowed me to develop the confidence to come out to people I trust, friends, colleagues, and to try and find, and even build bi+ communities. It’s been great to meet and talk to other people who don’t fit into narrow categories, and allow themselves not to.

Wishing you the very best on your journey; thank you for sharing with me; and always here to talk anon

#bisexuality #me #the story goes on quite a bit longer #but it's important for me to tell it #i am still trying to make sense of it #warm warm hugs anon #whatever comes to lie on the surface when you let it sit #there is a place of acceptance for you #and you are the first person who can give yourself that #Anonymous #ask

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entity9silvergen · 3 years

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He Is Mild And He Is Meek (ATLA Fanfiction)

Summary:

He is mild and he is meek, he is Momo and he is what I seek.

Suki always wanted three things in life. One was to become a professional soccer player. The second was to live in a cute apartment filled with succulents. The third was to get a cat.

Momo probably wasn’t anyone’s first pick as a pet but Suki was determined to get this cat to love her as much as she loved him. If only he’d accept he had a home now.

Fandom: Avatar The Last Airbender

Characters: Suki, Momo, Sokka, Aang

Relationships: Suki & Momo, Suki & Sokka, Momo & Aang, Mentioned Aang/ Katara, Past Suki/ Toph

Other Tags: AroWriMo, Oneshot, Modern Setting, Modern AU, Transgender Character, Aromantic Character, Trans Suki, Aromantic Suki, Lesbian Suki, Aro Trans Lesbian Suki, Trans Aang, Bi Sokka, Queer Toph, Cat Momo, Dog Appa, Pet Adoption

Warnings: Brief Mentions of Sex, Minor Swearing

Word Count: 6.7K

Chapter Count: 1 (Oneshot)

Author’s Note: I was working on my third AroWriMo story and was about to take a break when this idea hit me. I know it’s kind of out there but I like trying different stuff so here we are.

This is very out of my comfort zone. It’s a Modern/ Real World AU story with a sapphic aromantic transfem Suki adopting a cat. I am an achillean aroace trans man with a dog. I also don’t play soccer or work in tech and I’m writing about that a lot here. I am writing about so many things I don’t know about so feel free to call me out if things aren’t quite accurate. The main focus is on Suki and Momo becoming friends so hopefully it won’t be an issue.

The title comes from the poem The Lamb by William Blake.

This fits with the prompt for Week 4, non-romantic relationships. Because pets count, guys. Originally I was going to write a fic about Lin figuring out she’s aro and coming out but I like this better.

Other AroWriMo stories my me

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artificialqueens · 4 years

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No Strings Attached, Part 3 (Willaska, Bitney) - Albatross, Veronica

AN: New life, new university, new friends…what more could Alaska ask for? Following the end of her relationship with Jinkx, Alaska has decided to pack up and move to a new college…on the other side of the country. Nothing like a bit of space to get over a break up, right? As she settles in for her new life, Alaska must navigate her new surroundings and of course, her new roommates with some very strong personalities of their own. A collab with the amazing @veronicasanders.

All things considered, Alaska was having a pretty decent start to her school year. Sure, the first couple of days had been difficult. And sure, she still had times when she just wanted to crawl under her covers and block out the entire world. But she thought she was adjusting quite well, otherwise.

When she first met Bianca, she was completely thrown by her particular brand of in-your-face, abrasive humor. But over the next few weeks, she began to see Bianca for who she really was – consistent, reliable, organized to the point of compulsiveness, and (though Bianca would never admit it), genuinely caring. She was the one who brought home orange juice and medicine when Alaska got a cold. She was the one who kept the liquor cabinet stocked and the kitchen clean and made a schedule for the bathroom on busy mornings to keep them all from losing their minds.

Alaska had to admit, also, that they had a bit more in common than she first assumed. Even more than the fact that they were both gay transfer students who sometimes felt out of place. They could both appear a little judgey and uptight. But once they trusted you, both of them were ride-or-die loyal. And both, with just a little arm-twisting, could be persuaded to really cut loose, having no problem keeping up with their life-of-the-party roommates.

Alaska had written Courtney off that first day as a vapid, overly familiar busybody. The type of person who sailed through life with a pretty face and shallow charm. But quickly, she realized that Courtney’s sometimes endless questions were just a sign of genuine interest in other people, a desire to get deep – maybe a little too quickly for Alaska’s comfort, but certainly with the best of intentions. Her bubbly personality, rather than annoying Alaska, soon became endearing, and Alaska found herself looking forward to their chats, to getting recaps of her favorite lectures and even to opening up.

And then there was Willam. Alaska still hadn’t quite figured Willam out. She liked her; she knew that much, but she remained a bit of an enigma. For starters, Willam never seemed to crack a book. While the rest of them would be stressing over papers and exams, Willam would be out shopping, partying late into the night and then up at the crack of dawn to go to the gym. Of the four of them, Willam seemed to be the only one who regularly brought home any overnight guests. (As far as Alaska could tell, Bianca’s liaisons were discreet and off-campus. And Courtney, despite being the most flirtatious person Alaska had ever met, seemed to keep her romantic adventures limited to above-the-waist making out at parties.) More than once, Alaska had stumbled out of bed in the morning to find a “friend” of Willam’s being entertained in the kitchen. Usually by Courtney, with Bianca offering them coffee and a complimentary STD test. As for Ms. Belli herself? She’d be at the gym or the mall, content to let her forgotten tryst fend for themselves.

And that was the other thing. So far, every one of her one-night-stands was with a boy. Which was fine, and Alaska was usually the last person to judge someone’s romantic choices. However, Willam had been pretty clear about being bi, so it made Alaska wonder. Why only guys? Was she actually attracted to girls, more than just in theory? And if so…what kind of girl would she like? Alaska tried not to dwell on all the questions, especially the last one, but it was hard. Willam was just such a mystery. One she found more intriguing than any others.

But in spite of that, and the elusive weirdness of how Willam earned her money (thankfully, Alaska still didn’t have more details on that), there was something truly compelling about her. Her wicked sense of humor, her surprisingly soft heart, her ability to make any and every situation fun.

Although occasionally, her need for fun got a bit out of control. Like tonight. Alaska and Courtney were sitting in the living room studying when Willam waltzed in with a healthy buzz and a man on each arm. Tall, dark, identical men, like a pair of Ken dolls.

“Jeremy, that’s Courtney. She’s the one I told you about,” Willam said, then added in a stage whisper, “No gag reflex.”

“Hey Bill,” Courtney said with a wary smile. “What’s going on?”

“Not much. I just thought you’d like my friend Jeremy here. He’s got a nice dick.”

“You haven’t seen my dick,” Jeremy laughed.

“No, but you guys are twins, right?” Willam smirked, then turned back to Courtney, saying, “It’s real nice, trust me.”

“Good to know,” Courtney said, voice just slightly clipped. She might have had a tense, polite smile on her face but Alaska could easily spot the growing irritation in her eyes.

“I think that’s my cue to leave,” Alaska muttered, gathering up her things. Time to go hide in her bedroom, she figured. Hell, she’d almost rather study in the dorm’s parking lot than stay in the living room for whatever this was.

“You sure?” asked the Not-Jeremy Twin with a wink. “You don’t wanna stay and party?”

“She’s a lesbian,” Willam informed him. “But Lask, if you’re curious-”

“Uh, no thanks. Have fun, kids.” Alaska saluted and hightailed it into her bedroom, shutting and locking the door firmly behind her.

As soon as she had dumped her belongings on her bed, she dug out her headphones and blasted some music in preparation for what she’d likely be hearing later on. The only thing she had wished she’d remembered was to grab a snack from the kitchen. Likely Willam and Courtney would be busy entertaining for the next few hours and the last thing she wanted to do was walk in on something. Especially given how loud she’s already heard Willam being from time to time, even when knowing one of her roommates was still around.

Oh, well. It was only a few hours. Could be worse, she figured. Now to figure out what playlist to use this time.

*******

Hours later, Willam emerged from the bedroom, yawning, hair a mess, expecting to find Courtney and Jeremy on the sofa. Instead, her roommate was curled up beside Bianca with a huge bowl of popcorn, watching some bullshit on Netflix.

A bit miffed, Willam marched around the side of the couch in front of the pair of giggling women and put her hands on her hips. “Uh…hello?” she asked, annoyance tinting her voice.

“Hey,” Courtney replied, neck craning to keep her eyes on the TV.

“Where’s Jeremy?” Willam demanded impatiently.

“Gone,” Courtney replied simply and with a pleasant smile to boot.

“Yeah, I see that. What the fuck, Courtney? You were supposed to keep him entertained!” Willam was getting even more irritated at the way Courtney practically ignored her.

“Yeah, well, for some reason, he was under the impression that I was gonna blow him, so things got real awkward real fast.”

Bianca snickered in the background, then noticed Willam’s angry glare and looked away quickly, shoving some popcorn into her mouth. Still a grin was still present on her lips as she undoubtedly listened with bated breath for what would happen next.

Willam stepped closer towards, arms crossed and asked, “So why didn’t you just blow him?”

Courtney rolled her eyes and said irritably, “I’m not gonna suck a dick just because you tell me to.”

“You should be thanking me!” Willam exclaimed. “You haven’t gotten laid all semester and he was hot. I was doing you a favor.”

“Thanks, Bill. You’re so generous,” Courtney said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Whatever, you’re such a baby!” Willam flounced from the room, beyond annoyed and not wanting to look at Courtney’s stupid face anymore. She just didn’t understand how Courtney could turn down such a hot piece of ass (who was clearly up for anything) in order to just laze around on the couch with Bianca! She thought Courtney would be grateful to her for bringing home such an easy score. God, the nerve of her sending him off! She could have at least given him back to Willam.

******

“Hey…” Alaska nodded to Willam as she approached the coffee maker. She’d obviously just come home from the gym, and per usual, hadn’t gone straight for a shower. Instead, she was sitting at the table, sipping some hideous-smelling vanilla protein shake.

“Morning,” Willam replied.

Alaska poured a generous mug of coffee, blowing on it softly while she leaned against the counter. She looked at Willam again, questions from last night still swirling around in her head.

“You and Courtney still fighting?”

“Huh?” Willam blinked in confusion.

“Bianca said you guys were fighting last night,” Alaska replied slowly and carefully, “Over the whole Jeremy thing?”

Willam’s brow furrowed. “Who’s Jeremy?” she asked, as if she really had no idea who Alaska was talking about.

Alaska’s jaw dropped in amazement. How could Willam not remember this? “The twins!” she exclaimed, “The one you brought home for Courtney?”

“Ohhh.” Willam waved her hand dismissively. “That wasn’t a fight. I just didn’t understand why she’d turn down perfectly good dick. She’s basically been celibate all semester, it’s weird.” Alaska raised an eyebrow, and Willam quickly added, “She doesn’t have a reason, like you.”

“Maybe she just…isn’t interested in dick right now. Even if it’s good,” Alaska offered. Her nails drummed against her coffee mug.

“Pfft. She is, you should have seen her last year. She’s just…I don’t know, punishing herself for something.”

Of course, Alaska had noticed how Courtney hung on Bianca’s every word, laughed gleefully at every joke, eyes sparkling with adoration. She noticed the way Courtney’s touches would linger on Bianca’s skin, the way she leaned into Bianca with every chance, had to force herself to leave Bianca’s side. She thought you’d have to be blind not to notice. And Willam, it appeared, was blind.

“Right. Well…I’m glad you guys are cool.”

“Yeah, we’re always cool,” Willam laughed. “Even when she’s a spoilsport.”

“While we’re on the topic of dick…” Alaska began tentatively, and Willam’s eyes lit up.

“Reconsidering that threesome idea?” she asked. Willam’s stomach flipped in anticipation of the answer.

“Definitely not. No, I was just wondering…” She hesitated, unsure if she really wanted to go down this line of questioning. It was potentially invasive, and she knew that Willam might very well get defensive. Or worse.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Alaska said, wrinkling her nose and taking another sip of her coffee. “It’s probably offensive.”

“I dare you to offend me,” Willam challenged, eyes narrowing slightly, but still shining with joy.

“Well…you’re bi, right?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve only ever seen you with guys though,” Alaska said carefully.

“So?”

“Well…so…are you sure you’re into girls, too?”

“Wow. You’re right. That is offensive,” Willam deadpanned.

“I just mean…you know, you talk about dick a lot,” Alaska said. “But I’ve never heard you express any…you know what, it’s none of my business.”

“You’re right, it’s not.” Willam stirred her drink violently, lips pursed.

“Okay then.” Alaska began to back out of the room. “Sorry.”

Willam heaved an aggravated sigh. “Alaska.”

Stopping in her tracks, Alaska replied softly, “Yeah?”

It took a few beats before she answered. Her eyes had dropped to her smoothie, suddenly having lost any desire to finish it. Her stomach felt like it was in knots as she debated letting Alaska see this more vulnerable side of herself. There was a reason she didn’t really like to go on about girls. A very good reason. One she doubted Alaska would truly understand. “I guess I just have a harder time with girls. I don’t really know how to read them. Even flirting sometimes just feels…risky.”

“I can’t imagine you ever having a hard time flirting,” Alaska said, a cautious smile curling at the edges of her lips. She took a few steps closer to Willam and cocked her head to the side as an invitation to continue.

“Well. It’s relative,” Willam began to babble, “I mean, guys are so easy. They’re like…simple, basic, dumb creatures. You know? It doesn’t take much. Usually nothing more than a smile.” She looked up for a second, then back at Alaska, eyes clear and bright. “So I don’t have to work hard, or be intuitive, or sensitive. Women are more complicated than that. And…it’s a lot harder to brush it off if they don’t want me. So…” she trailed off.

Alaska sat down next to her, saying quietly, “That may be true. But…what if it’s worth it? The extra suffering?”

“Good question. I dunno.” Willam chuckled wryly, shrugging.

“Just some food for thought,” Alaska said, giving her a big smile and quick wink.

******

“Come on, please?” Willam pleaded as she shadowed Courtney around the tiny kitchen space. “For $500? It’s such easy money!”

Briskly preparing her tea, Courtney replied firmly, “I said no, Bill!” Irritation was beginning to creep in at the edges of her voice. But Willam was relentless.

“But you’re not even getting naked.” Willam argued with a heavy sigh, causing Bianca and Alaska, sitting at the kitchen’s island to exchange a look of confusion and curiosity with one another. “Just sitting on your bed, reading. You said you had a lot of reading to do.”

Courtney swirled in a dash of almond milk with her tea, clanging the spoon quite deliberately against the sides. “Yeah, I do! And I need to concentrate,” she stressed, raising the cup to her lips. After taking a shallow sip and deciding she needed one last glug of milk, she huffed out, “I don’t need some gross dude heavy breathing at me while I do it.”

Now things are starting to make more sense, Alaska thought to herself. Bianca shared another expressive look with her and returned back to flipping through the study packet in front of her. Taking that as her cue, Alaska pretended to find something much more interesting on her phone. In truth, however, she was listening in quite acutely and she had a guess Bianca was probably doing the same as well.

Groaning in frustration, Willam pointed out, “He’s not that gross.”

“High praise,” Courtney muttered as she rolled her eyes and returned the milk back to the fridge.

Willam watched in bewilderment as Courtney settled in at the island with their roommates. How could Courtney refuse such easy money? It was literally getting paid to just sit somewhere and go about her business.

But she needed Courtney for this appointment! She had her eye on a pair of new Louboutin heels that were supposed to be released in the next month or so and she had to get her preorder in now! They always ran out of her size by the time they actually hit the shelf and who knew how long it would be before they were restocked?

This one appointment, if all went well, would be the last chunk of change she needed in order to confirm her preorder. This client had been a long standing one, scheduling regular sessions every few weeks, especially if Willam could entice another cute co-ed to join her, even if it was just in the background. And when she saw him reaching out at the most absolutely perfect moment, Willam immediately offered pull in a second person.

Normally, Willam would have simply reached out to Tatianna, a flirty sophomore she met last year at some frat party. Tatianna never had an issue joining Willam’s appointments for a cut of the action and was always up for a quick make out session, on or off camera. She was absolutely perfect for this client but as Willam soon discovered, she was working off-campus today with absolutely no chance to get back in time for the appointment. Even Willam’s second, third, and fourth choice all had plans or simply weren’t interested.

Fuck!

But maybe…she might be able to entice a certain roommate of hers…she hoped.

However, Willam could see that Courtney was absolutely not going for it. Wincing to herself as she made this decision, she offered, “Fine, a thousand.” Good bye, matching sunglasses.

“No!” Courtney squealed out. God, Willam was persistent today. But even Alaska had choked a little as she heard the amount.

Perking back up, (and confirming Alaska’s suspicions she’d been listening with bated breath), Bianca was baffled, “You’re turning down a thousand dollars?”

“Would you do it?” Courtney countered, staring at her with a pointed look in her eyes.

Not even having to think twice, Bianca answered, “Hell yeah.” Turning back to Willam as she gathered up her text book, study packet, phone and pen, she asked, “Right now?”

Seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, Willam’s beaming smile returned and offered up a high five, “Alright, B!” She stuck her tongue out at Courtney for good measure.

Nose wrinkling, Courtney asked with disbelief, “You’re really gonna let some disgusting mouth breather watch you study just to make a few bucks?”

“It’s a thousand dollars,” Bianca pointed out as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. And really, wasn’t it?

Even Alaska had to admit she had not seen this coming. She’d given up all pretext of staring at her phone in order to watch this exchange instead.

But before Bianca could scamper off with her things, Willam piped up with, “Whoa, whoa, whoa…I said I could get her a thousand dollars. I don’t have an offer for you yet.”

Bianca opened her mouth in indignation to begin arguing but Courtney cut her off with a very confused, “She should get more than me. Her tits are bigger.”

“That’s not exactly how the pricing works,” Willam laughed out. If only Courtney knew the half of it, she thought to herself.

Drumming the fingers of her free hand against the counter, a smooth, rhythmic clicking sound filling the kitchen, Bianca remained thoughtful for a moment before asking, “So how much would I get?”

Even Alaska was curious about the answer. “Probably at least five hundred,” Willam shrugged before unlocking her phone. “Gimme a minute.”

How does that conversation even go? Alaska wondered. But then her thoughts drifted back to Willam’s entire business venture. How did Willam find her appointments, book them…talk to her, um,… clientele.

Maybe some day she’d ask about that. Maybe even what, ahem, “services” she offered. Willam would probably be more than happy to tell her but somewhere deep in the pit of Alaska’s stomach, a twisting winding knot was starting to form. It often happened when her thoughts trailed towards questioning Willam’s side job and she learned pretty quickly just to let it drop after that. The twisting wasn’t exactly unpleasant but it was more than weird and Alaska just didn’t have the energy most of the time to figure out why.

As she thought about this, Bianca scurried over to Willam, looking over her shoulder and down at her phone. “I’ll do it for a thousand,” she said, trying to read Willam’s tiny ass messages running across her screen, “Why can’t I get a thousand?”

“Well, she’s blonde and she looks 16,” Willam replied simply as she messaged her client and answered his questions.

Courtney let out an emphatic groan of disgust, “Gross!”

Bianca’s eyes narrowed at the implication Willam was trying to make. Pursing her lips, she asked testily, “Are you saying I’m too old to be a cam girl?”

“No!” Willam said all too quickly, head popping back up. “It’s just…you know, you look…like…early 20s?” There was a slightly apologetic tone to her voice that Bianca didn’t care for.

Annoyance creeped into her answer as she stated, “I am early 20s.”

“Right.”

“Rude,” she huffed out. “I could totally be a cam girl if I wanted to.”

“Of course you could, dearheart.”

“Fuck you,” Bianca grumbled. “Bet I’d make a better one than you .”

“Look, just chill out, okay?” Willam muttered. Not her best attempt at smoothing things over but that was alright. “I can get you…750? But only if we kiss,” she quickly added in.

Bianca went thoughtful and silent for a few moments, mulling over her options. Courtney and Alaska watched her carefully while Willam returned to typing away on her phone. What’s she gonna do? Alaska mused. Seems like she’s really thinking about it.

Courtney looked to be holding her breath as well but her expression was a bit difficult to decipher. Cloudy, certainly, but not angry. No…maybe even-

Finally, Bianca broke her silence to ask consideringly, “Would I get the money today?”

“Bianca!” Courtney gasped out.

Ignoring her, Willam answered in her most professional-sounding voice, “Yeah, they send it by Paypal.”

“Okay,” Bianca decided, “but I want the money first.”

“Fine,” Willam muttered, tapping away at her phone again, “Jesus.”

Bianca waltzed off with her belongings towards Willam and Courtney’s bedroom, smirk on her face and lazy thoughts of what she’ll do with the money, but Willam’s voice quickly interrupted her as she called out a strong suggestion of ‘prettying herself up a little’. “They love to think we just lounge around looking perfect all the time, waiting for them to call.”

“Ugh,” Bianca groaned, “This is turning into work.”

“Welcome to my life, bitch!”

******

Two hours later the women emerged from the Willam’s bedroom, laughing their asses off. Bianca was even wiping away the traces of a tear from her eye as they wandered into the living room. Both Courtney and Alaska looked up at them; Courtney from her text book and Alaska from her laptop where she may or may not have been streaming a podcast instead of reviewing her class notes.

“Appointment went well, I’m guessing?” Courtney spoke with a hint of suspicion in her tone. Or was that bitterness, Alaska wondered.

“Definitely,” Bianca assured her with a laugh.

Willam grinned as well and added in smugly, “Told you it was easy money.”

“Now I know why you do it,” Bianca quipped, resting against the arm of the couch nearest Courtney, addressing both of her roommates. “And I already checked; money’s in my account. $850, ” she boasted proudly. “He even tipped, the sleazy little sweetheart.” Then elbowing Courtney lightly in the side, she said with a smirk, “Betcha regret skipping out now, huh?”

“And having to kiss Willam for it?” she replied, her ears beginning to heat up. “Hard pass. I regret nothing.”

Bianca and Willam shared a brief look with one another and broke out laughing once again. Now feeling her cheeks beginning to grow warm, Courtney huffed out, “What? Didn’t you do it? Or was it just a stage kiss, like where you kiss your thumbs?”

At this, the women laughed even harder. Bianca even clutched onto the fabric of the couch as she tried to remain upright. Courtney’s eyes shot over to Alaska but even she had no clue what was so funny. All she could offer up was a very confused shrug after pulling out her ear buds.

“Care to let us in on the joke?” Alaska asked, her voice managing to sound both curious yet uninterested at the same time.

A teasing glint rose to Bianca’s eyes as they narrowed in on Courtney. Her voice was sweet and mocking as she leaned down and cooed, “Why don’t I just show you what we did?”

Courtney’s mind began to short circuit as a myriad of questions ran rampant through her thoughts. Was Bianca going to kiss her? Did she and Willam actually kiss? What did she mean by ‘show her’? Wait, was Bianca leaning in closer?

Every little detail felt like it was magnified by 100 as Bianca’s face slowly crept closer to hers. Then in an instant Bianca was on her feet again, one hand buried deep in Willam’s wavy hair while the other gently tilted her chin up and guided her lips towards Bianca’s. Willam’s own hands were gripping onto Bianca’s hips and pulling her in tight as they closed what little gap remained between them. Almost as soon as their lips touched, a low, drawn out moan echoed deep in Willam’s throat. The hand in Willam’s hair retreated, pulling a few strands along with it, as Bianca moved to carefully cup Willam’s cheek, stroking the skin softly with the pad of her thumb. Her other hand dropped to the curve of Willam’s back and kept her neatly in place; pressed tight against Bianca. Courtney had enough time to witness the subtle flexing of Willam’s fingers before a flurry of emotion swept through her.

All at once it was like a tidal wave had crashed over her as she sat dumbstruck on the couch watching their little show. Each emotion felt like it was clawing its way up through her stomach, trying to make itself known, only to be pulled back down again by another before Courtney could truly figure out what she was feeling. She was just beginning to recognize the growing sense of jealousy when her roommates broke apart, giggling like mad. Even Alaska didn’t seem much better off, her lips slightly parted in shock as she watched Willam and Bianca. She felt a strange burning in her chest. No, not exactly a burn but something heating up, overheating, twisting and knotting, feeling heavy and unmoveable.

“Definitely not stage kiss,” Bianca commented with a little wink for good measure as her hands finally withdrew from Willam’s body.

An awkward laugh escaped from Alaska as she noted, “Good job. Looked pretty real.”

“Thanks,” Bianca chuckled, smoothing out the hem of her shirt before settling in on the couch between Alaska and Courtney. “I’m a great actor, what can I say?” she added in dramatically before her giggling got the best of her. “But really, I did do a little theater work in high school.”

“Don’t recall any high school plays calling for that, ” Courtney remarked stonily.

Bianca rounded on her with a curious expression, as if trying to will Courtney to explain a little more. Even Willam raised a brow at her while she made herself comfortable in the recliner. But as Coutney’s gaze travelled from one pair of eyes to the next, she found herself withdrawing under the scrutiny. A strange sense of irritation was beginning to build in the back of her mind and was certainly not helped when Bianca mocked her with, “Something you wanna say, sweetheart?”

“No,” she grumbled all too quickly, then thinking better of it added in, “I just don’t remember any of my high school plays calling for something that…provocative.”

“‘Provocative’?” Willam repeated in that seal-laugh voice of hers. “The fuck do you mean, ‘provocative’?”

“I just-I don’t see any kissing like that in you know, Grease or Wicked or Our Town-”

“All straight couples,” Willam pointed out in a perfectly demeaning and mocking manner. “I see how it is. I’m sorry our rampant lesbianism offended your sheltered, innocent eyes.”

“Wow, Court,” Bianca added in, dramatically feigning a tone of surprise. “Didn’t take you to be such a prude.”

“I’m not!” Courtney interrupted, high voice climbing in pitch.

Willam pretended not to hear her and directed another “innocent” suggestion to Bianca, “Maybe she really is just homophobic?”

“I am not homophobic!” Courtney protested in a loud squeal. Alaska could see her becoming more and more frazzled but she was still trying her best to sound calm and level-headed.

She might have succeeded had Bianca not piled on with an incredibly disappointed, “Damn, Courtney. Homophobia in this day and age? I gotta say, I expected more from you.”

“Mh-mm,” Willam agreed with a nod of her head. “Cancelled!” she noted in a singsongy voice.

Alaska picked up on the little smirks on each of the women’s lips but all of it went over Courtney’s head. She simply let out an angry huff and crossed her arms over her chest. “Whatever,” she grumbled moodily, “If you guys wanna be porno actors, go-”

“Oh!” Bianca interrupted with a scandalized gasp. Turning back to Willam with wide, appalled eyes, she said, “Did you hear that? She’s attacking sex workers now!”

“Double cancelled,” Willam stated all too seriously. “Very disappointing.”

Shaking her head sadly, Bianca continued to mock Courtney with a sugary sweet, “You wanna go for a triple? Say something about women of color, too?”

It was here Courtney completely lost it. She sputtered out protest after protest, or rather that was what Alaska imagined those stuttered, half choked off words to be. Courtney didn’t seem to know where to begin, what to say, anything really to defend herself. It was as if her brain had short circuited and every time a thought appeared that she tried to vocalize, in just another second, it would disappear without a trace and she’d have to start again.

Willam and Bianca found the whole thing to be hilarious; they were now outright laughing at her frustration as she tried to speak. Alaska however felt a sense of pity…and just a hint of irritation. Her stomach had grown uneasy as the teasing had built up and now it was just downright annoying. They just didn’t know when to stop and poor Courtney looked like she was nearing tears as she tried to explain herself.

“That’s enough,” Alaska interrupted through the loud laughter. Her voice was steady and clear. Polite yet firm. Leaning past Bianca, she placed a comforting hand on Courtney’s knee and assured her, “We know you’re not homophobic, Court. They just don’t know where to draw the line.”

She cast a pointed look towards both Willam and Bianca. The latter actually received quite a withering glare. Willam might be used to teasing Courtney like this but Bianca really ought to know better, Alaska reasoned.

Before withdrawing back to her seat, she offered a reassuring smile to Courtney. To her relief, Courtney didn’t seem as overwhelmed any more. She was able to return the gesture with a shaky smile of her own but she didn’t seem to trust herself to speak just yet.

Alaska’s glare seemed to have some kind of effect on Bianca, thankfully. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat then offered up a small apology to her roommate.

“It’s fine,” Courtney replied blankly, picking up her textbook again and trying to find where she last left off.

Alaska tried sending another glare down Willam’s way but she only rolled her eyes and pulled out her phone. Alaska gave a heavy sigh and shook her head. Lost cause, she figured. But to her surprise, only a second or two after she turned her attention back to her laptop, she heard Willam saying in a shocking bout of sincerity, “Sorry, Court.”

It was reluctant, that much was clear in her voice, but she meant it. Courtney seemed equally as surprised by the apology as Alaska was. Her acceptance sounded rather stunned and amazed, if a bit cautious still.

When Alaska glanced back towards Willam, she found her roommate staring at her with an odd expression. It was difficult to decipher but it almost looked…embarrassed? No, not quite that. Not ashamed, either.

Contrite.

That’s what it was.

Alaska had actually managed to make her feel guilty for teasing Courtney. A feat that seemed almost impossible to the both of them. And yet here it was.

Willam’s eyes darted away for a moment but once they returned to watch Alaska, the latter gave her roommate an approving nod of her head before returning to her business. If Courtney would accept her apology, then so would Alaska. Though she couldn’t deny there was still some queasiness in her stomach…especially when her thoughts trailed back to Willam and Bianca’s kiss.

But those thoughts didn’t belong in Alaska’s head. Instead she forced herself to think about other things. It didn’t sound as if Courtney had completely forgiven Bianca yet. They actually remained quiet towards one another for another hour, even after Willam turned on the TV and traded loud, sarcastic commentary with everyone else.

But by late afternoon, when Courtney had gotten up to retrieve another drink from the kitchen and Bianca followed, Alaska had the chance to witness their true reconciliation. She was a bit suspicious that Bianca had followed so closely behind but she noticed that again, Willam seemed blind to it. She was so focused on the trashy reality show on the TV, Alaska doubted that even realized anyone had left the couch.

Craning her neck, Alaska was able to subtly watch her roommates talking in the kitchen. She couldn’t hear them but she had a guess as to what they were saying. Bianca looked truly apologetic, even a little upset herself, while Courtney’s gaze was focused solely on her drink. Her eyes seemed a bit sad and dull to Alaska.

She watched anxiously as Courtney lifted her gaze to look Bianca dead in the eyes. Then those magic words played out on Bianca’s lips; “I’m sorry.”

Alaska didn’t need to hear them to know that was what she said nor that she truly meant it. There was a tense pause…then a slow, bittersweet smile rose to Courtney’s lips. She nodded her head just so and said something back that set Bianca’s nerves at ease. Bianca visibly relaxed at what she had heard and pulled Courtney in for a hug. As it was returned, Alaska would swear she saw Bianca’s lips moving once again but what she could be saying, Alaska could only speculate.

Shifting back to the TV, Alaska tuned in again just in time to hear another one of Willam’s hilarious, if slightly ridiculous, commentaries. She laughed along with Willam, returned a jab of her own at the played up drama, and let herself relax with the newly restored peace.

******

The fear of midterms were now looming on the horizon…well, it was still like a month away but as Alaska found out all too dramatically freshman year, these kinds of things have a way of sneaking up on you. If you weren’t careful that is.

Bianca was careful. Alaska was careful. Hell, even Courtney was somewhat careful. Willam though…

Alaska had yet to see her crack open a textbook for more than 10 minutes. Often she’d just pull one aside, sometimes open, sometimes not, and leaned over it with her phone in hand. She probably spent more time posting about studying than actually participating in it.

That frustrated Alaska. By now she knew all too well that Willam still had not chosen a major yet. She seemed to feel no pressure to pick out any particular field of study, or even just to study. Her grades seemed decent enough…so what was the problem?

She knew it wasn’t any of her business but she felt some concern for her friend. She wanted Willam to do well. She knew she could, if she had the right motivation. That was why Alaska kept reminding her about midterms, hoping she’d take the hint and finally look at her textbooks. But Willam’s only response was a carefree shrug, maybe a small noise of acknowledgement, and then she’d go right back to staring at her screen.

All of this would cause Alaska to groan in frustration but she wasn’t ready to give up just yet. She kept reminding Willam of the upcoming exams and finally Willam agreed to accompany Alaska to the library. Unsurprisingly, however, she failed to bring a single book or a laptop with her.

While Alaska diligently took notes from her psychology textbook, Willam scrolled through Instagram, chuckling to herself and trying to find the best light for selfies.

Well, at least she got Willam through the door. That was some kind of progress, right?

After about two hours or so of being bent over her textbook, Alaska stood up to stretch, and Willam immediately perked up. “You done?” she asked gleefully, “Wanna go out? It’s two for one margarita night at Twist.”

Alaska shook her head, chuckling.

“I don’t think midweek margaritas are the best choice for me,” she said. As Willam’s expression fell into a pout, she added, “But I could go for some coffee. Wanna walk over to the café?”

“Yeah, I guess that’ll do,” Willam said, standing up and helping her gather her things.

By the time they finally sat down at the cafe with their lattes, Willam was practically dancing in her seat.

“Have you checked Instagram?” she asked giddily, blue eyes sparkling.

“Oh god, what have you posted?” Alaska asked, picking up her phone. She opened Willam’s story, and soon found herself scrolling through multiple selfies, followed by an elaborate, goofy stop motion story of two of her own highlighters going camping under a dictionary. The second to last frame was a shot of Alaska herself looking up from her notes.

‘You’re not taking a picture of me, are you?’ she asked, head tilted. An animated crown gif sat atop her head, the foreground filled with fat adorable bunnies rolling around.

‘Of course not!’ Willam said.

The last shot was Willam, flipping the camera back to herself and giving a mischievous, lopsided grin.

“You’re so dumb,” Alaska laughed, shaking her head.

“So, you liked it?” Willam asked, smile spreading across her face.

“Yeah, very creative,” Alaska said.

Willam was beaming by now. A perfectly happy smile that even reached her eyes. It was cute, Alaska realized, Willam was cute. Impulsively, she then leaned forward and planted a kiss on Willam’s mouth. Her finger tucked itself under Willam’s chin for just a moment before pulling back.

The first thing she saw was Willam’s comically widened eyes; she was in a state of complete shock. “What…what do you…I-” she stammered, and Alaska giggled.

“Calm down,” she assured her roommate, “I’m not asking you to marry me.”

Willam let out a braying laugh at that. “Touché, bitch.”

With that goofy grin back on her lips, she leant in for a kiss of her own. Each could feel the other smiling into the kiss. Willam could’ve sworn she must have been drunk or fallen asleep back in the library in order for this to make sense. But every brush of Alaska’s fingertips across her bare arm or the feel of the material of Alaska’s skirt in her hand as it traveled up her thigh told her it was no dream.

Pulling away, just enough to speak, she suggested in a low voice, “Car?”

Alaska’s nod was immediate and in seconds they had grabbed all that they brought and were rushing back to the parking lot. They had the small presence of mind to relocate to the back of the lot, far away from where most cars would usually park, but following that, there was hardly a rational thought left between them. The hook up was messy and quick, neither of them getting any more undressed than necessary. Part of it was fear of being spotted, most of it was simply impatience.

It took very little for either of them to get worked up. Between the frantic, sloppy kisses, the desperate pawing to remove just some of their clothes, and the drunken high of just being able to touch one another…it was all over much too quickly. Their hair and clothes were in an absolute state by the time they managed to separate themselves enough to realize what they had done.

“That…” Alaska began, “That was something.”

“Yeah,” Willam agreed vacantly. Her mind felt elsewhere. She knew there were things to ask, things to be discussed but it was so hard to think right now. Not just because of the after-sex buzz but also because she truly and genuinely happy right now. She didn’t want to shatter that illusion, not yet.

“I had no idea how much I needed that.”

Willam let out a huff of a laugh. “Really?” Alaska nodded. Her lips curled into an almost self-conscious grin. It was kind of adorable, Willam had to admit. Scratching the back of her head, she commented airily, “Well, anytime.”

Alaska’s eyes lit up with cautious consideration. “Yeah?” she inquired.

There was a loaded pause. Willam could hear the blood pounding in her ears. As much as she tried to ignore it, something in her felt giddy and overexcited. She wouldn’t have thought Alaska would consider this to be more than a one time thing and yet…just maybe…“Yeah,” she finally confirmed, keeping her voice level and steady.

That seemed to be all there was to say for the longest time. Each was slowly coming down from their high and trying to sort out the mess that was their hair and makeup. Or at least Alaska was. Willam still felt in too much of a daze to care at this point.

She remained lost in her thoughts until Alaska ventured, “We…Should we tell the others about this?”

“No-Yes! I mean…eventually, yeah, we have to but for right now, maybe just-”

“Our little secret?” Alaska proposed with a sly grin.

“Definitely,” Willam agreed with relief in her voice, glad to be on the same page. She really wasn’t sure how she could even explain this to their roommates. But that was a problem for another day.

She figured that’d be the end of this, at least for now, but Alaska managed to completely shock her by saying, “I really don’t want this to be the only time though. Is that okay?”

Willam’s heart was racing. She looked at Alaska long and hard trying to find any trace of this being a joke. She couldn’t get her hopes up like only to have them dashed away. But Alaska looked sincere, honest…She really wanted this…As casually as she could, Willam forced out, “Um, sure. Whenever.”

The smile she received shot straight through her soul. She was absolutely fucked and she knew it.

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princessselene126 · 4 years

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Rampion Crew Sexualities

As promised in this post, I’m going to go wayyyyy more in depth on the sexualitites of the rampion crew. Why? Because I can. In my mind these are all canon, but ya’ll can look at them as headcanons.

Cinder

Demisexual

She didn’t think of Kai as attractive until after she met and interacted with him. She saw plenty and pictures and interviews of him before, but never thought much of him until after that point.

I don’t think she ever thought of anyone else as attractive partially because she never expected to find love (since she was a cyborg and adri emotionally abused her into thinking she wasn’t worthy of love) and partially because she didn’t have time to think about or want a relationship in general.

Kai

The Token Straight™

Instead of the token gay, we now have the token straight. fight me on this.

Attracted to Cinder, blushes ridiculously around Winter (even though he was already dating Cinder. But it’s Winter and literally everyone but Wolf is attracted to her, so can you blame him?)

He’s that hella supportive Straight Guy . Think Jason Grace from the riordianverse.

I really love the idea of Kai hosting an annual Pride Ball/Gala at the palace. Everyone’s outfits are the colors of their flag. Rainbows and glitter are everywhere. Cinder is annoyed by all the glitter, but she’s happy that they do this every year… even if she still finds glitter in her metal extremities 6 months later

Iko

Asexual heteromantic

Even though she has a human like body now, I don’t think she’d ever be in a relationship with someone (W&N almost making kiko a thing made me upset and frustrated honestly).

She really likes the idea of being in a relationship though, which is why I consider her heteromantic. She canonically romanticizes the idea of love–wanting Cinder to go to the ball to dance with Kai, and a bunch of other instances I’m blanking on right now.

Finds people attractive “You’re even more handsome in person” but doesn’t want to have sex with anyone, because again, robot. I really don’t even want to know how sex with an escortdroid would work in the tlc universe

Scarlet

Bisexual

She’s hella physically attracted to Wolf obviously. They made out on that train after knowing each other for only what, a few days?

But let’s not forget that she frequently blushes around Winter as well.

In general she has very chaotic bi energy

carrying a gun on her at all times

starting fights in the bar to stand up for people

running away from home when she was younger

not having any real regard for personal safety

Wolf

Scarletsexual

Let’s be honest, this man only has eyes for his feisty red head.

He never thinks of anyone else. there wasnt anyone before her, and there’s never going to be anyone after her.

You know how everyone thinks winter is beautiful, and blushes or stares at her for a sec while interacting with her? Yeah no. Wolf is the only one who doesn’t do that because he only wants Scarlet.

Cress

Lesbiannnnnnnn (but bi romantic)

I think Cress likes the idea of dating/being with men, but when it comes down to it, she would not enjoy having sex with men.

Her and Thorne’s relationship probably wouldn’t last more than a few months after the end of Winter because of this (I pretend they aren’t a thing in SOSN). It’d just take her a few months to realize “Okay, I like him, he’s a better person now, but anything more than kissing him I’m just not into”

and Thorne would be 100% okay with it and they’d “break up” on good terms. They’d still travel the world together but as best friends or maybe it becomes an almost sibling-like relationship.

Seriously ya’ll I just really need more lesbian Cress.

Thorne

Epitome of Disaster Bi™

He hits on everyone, okay? Not just women.

I’m a big fan of him being in denial about his sexuality. He may be willing to flirt with everyone, but he was probably really nervous about dating guys at first.

Even though this is in the future and people are probably much more okay with sexualities, I feel like his parents are those old money people who are homophobic which is why Thorne is in denial.

He started to figure out and get comfortable with his sexuality sometime between deserting and getting arrested in New Beijing, but he doesn’t actually start going out with guys until after the Lunar Revolution.

Winter

Pansexual

Winter loves everyone and everyone loves Winter.

She’s so very positive when it comes to physical appearance.

It doesn’t matter if someone is short or tall, fat or skinny, white as snow or black as night, she thinks everyone is beautiful and attractive just because they’re unique.

Jacin

Demisexual/romantic (on the verge of Wintersexual)

The reason Jacin is so in love with Winter is because they spent their entire lives together, so he knows her inside and out.

Even if he and winter weren’t in love, he’s the type of person who would only be attracted to someone who he feels emotionally connected to.

Because he’s a guard and easily glamoured, he wouldn’t care much about appearance, be attracted to someone based on it, or believe a person’s appearance is even accurate to what they truly look like–it’s all about personality and connection for him

#tlc headcanons #mine #my post #lunar chronicles #the lunar chronicles #rampion crew #the rampion crew #lunar chronicles headcanons #lunar chronicles headcanon

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saltyaro · 5 years

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[Image description: The cover of the 5th book of Aromantic (love) Story. It features a drawn woman in a red tank top, a white skirt that hides her heels, and red high heels shoes. She has her hands on her hips and looks confident.]

You know what I forgot to do? That review on the 5th and last tome of aromantic (love) story. For those who weren’t aware yet, I’m not going to keep the suspense going on any longer: yes, it is safe, no, the heroine doesn’t end up as a straight woman. That’s already a victory in itself, so now all of you can go ahead and buy it if it’s available in your country ;)

The actual review is under the read more, it’s not spoiler free so!

So, Futaba (the main character) tried dating to see if she’s able to develop romance, or not. The person she chose to do so with of course knows about it, and they’re actually both trying it to see if they can understand romance. Futaba still can’t imagine romantic attraction outside of sexual attraction, which frustrates her, because she *knows* allo aces are a thing so obviously, sexual desire isn’t necessarily linked! The viewpoint of her (straight dude) partner-in-crime is...well, not surprising at all, actually. His opinion is that romantic feelings are born of, on one hand, wanting the other person’s happiness, while also wanting to possess them and keep them all to yourself.

This is, well. A very Straight Man™ way of seeing things, but, on the other hand, this point of view isn’t limited to them. (I promise, I’m not going to ramble about how it’s scary that society puts such a violent feeling as the most beautiful and important. Not on this post at least)

Fun note, at least for me, you have the classical “guy is sick, girl brings him medicine” except...Futaba gives him the medicine and just. Leaves. I love her. Well, she ends up going to his apartment, but that’s where her being aro really stands out. Usually, in a basic romcom, everyone’s flushed, and it’s annoying. But Futaba is aro, so she isn’t embarrassed, she just sees someone she cares about being sick and wants to help. She’s very natural and stoic about the whole situation. It may seem like a detail, but honestly I find that so important!

She explains that, when she was a teenager, she avoided men as much as possible (to avoid romance) and I relate. So fucking much. I don’t know if any of you did the same, but with my parents bugging me about boys, I just avoided them as much as possible (with a few exceptions). I didn’t feel unsafe around men yet back then, so I know that’s not what it was.

She explains she was afraid of creating misunderstandings, and ended up not using the world “love” at all because of that. I relate to that so much too, I’m trying to heal from that, and I think it’s important, really important, for us as a community, to learn to separate love from romance. Anyway, this kind of struggle that just...hinders your vocabulary options is really a shame, and I’m glad to see a character mention it (and not be shamed for it!).

Are you ready for some Hetero Bashing™? Because Futaba reunites with her friends and they talk a bit. The Straight dude (Kyosuke) asked Futaba to think about marrying him, and she’s a bit “huuuuuh” so she talks about it to her friends. Friend 1 is like “well, you don’t need to be *in romance* to get married. I have friends, a straight dude and a lesbian, who got married by necessity” and Futaba expresses that she never thought such a thing would happen to her, she never thought of marriage being an option for her. Friend 2 they says that it’s the contrary for her, impossible to avoid the idea of marriage and children, despite not wanting either, because it’s been so ingrained in her head. “you know, the “to perpetuate the specie” argument, like having descendance is every human’s mission...”

And the friend 1 says “ah...the perfect exemple of a notion made by straight people to validate their point of view!” and I love that?? I mean, in general, even in the larger queer community, we’re dancing around the argument, finding proof that there are non-straight animals in all species, and all. She then adds “If reproductions is *that* important...then rich single people could have a ton of kids using articifial fertilization and bingo, they’d have contributed to society’s well-being!” Friend 2 is like “uuuuh, that would raise ethical issues” to what friend 2 answers: “Personally, I kinda reaaally don’t care for lessons of morality from a society that considers sexual minorities and childfree people as useless. If we consider that humanity will necessarily go extinct one day, then mating to reproduce is nothing but a useless cycle”. I really like that take which’s why I *had* to share it despite it being so long to read haha.

Futaba is surprised by her words, so friend 2 explains that friend 1 is worried that a straight guy is going to steal Futaba from them, and she doesn’t want to be abandoned. Friend 1 is bi but that’s a very aro sentiment here tbh.

(Straight bashing, over)

You have the usual meeting with the family...god, how realistic is that, you see your aunt and uncle you haven’t seen in maybe years and the only thing they’re interested in, is whether or not you’ve found a romantic partner. I swear, I got annoyed for the character cause it’s so true. She’s bothered (and I am too) by her grandma’s affirmation that everyones gets married someday. I hate that, it really, really annoys me that I supposedly can’t be free to make my own decisions! But she also knows that it would be useless to explain to her grandma that her words are paternalism, so she lets her be. Because she means well, and maybe that’s the worst thing about amatonormativity and its assumptions...that the people upholding those mean well.

The manga also touches (rapidly) on Futaba feeling of guilt for not being sincere with her family. Her parents aren’t pressuring her to get married, but she knows that seeing their only child, still single, and over 30, is sure to make them worried (especially given she’s not exactly wealthy). I can’t express how much I love seeing a character like that, she knows what she wants, but there’s still this lingering feeling that keeps you from feeling totally at ease, regardless of how much confidence you’ve got. It’s only natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

I think one of my favourite moments of this book - maybe of all the serie? is after Kyosuke’s friends remotivates Futaba by, basically, telling her to do what she always did, fight out of spite, even if that means to accept to sometimes take hits (this happens throught the phone). Kyosuke says to his friend, that he would never have neeb able to say such things to him, and his friend answers that love blinds him, and prevents him from seeing what she really needs. To that, Kyosuke doesn’t answer, and his friend understands immediately and says “That look...maybe you actually nurture this self-deception.”

And I love this moment because, for Futaba to be happy, she needs to be single, and free. From him, and his expectations of romance, because even though he knows, rationally speaking, that she won’t ever feel the same, he still wants her, and still wants to be the one at her side - when no one should be. Not in a partnership way anyway. He’s actually choosing to ignore the rational part of him because he still hopes for her to make the difficult choice, and stay at his side, because it’s not really that he wants her to be happy but rather, that he wants to be the one to make her happy, which is of course, extremely selfish and possessive. I love that it’s just laid here, without ambiguity. What’s great also, is that the straight dude in romo realizes what he’s doing, even if he tries to ignore that. Later in the manga, Kyosuke thinks to himself that he couldn’t help but hope that she would concecede, yield, and accept him, despite knowing that’s not what she needs, and knowing that’s not the way you build a positive relationship. I...don’t know if alloro usually know they’re doing such things? I don’t know what’s worse, to be confident you’re not doing that shit when you’re doing it, or to keep on doing it even though you’re aware.

On a sidenote, I really, really like that she got boosted by the least expected person? They don’t like each other, they’re more or less at each other’s throat most of the time cause he’s sexist and unsentitive, but in the end, he was touched by the anger in the beginnings of her work, and it built a sort of...professional trust between the two of them. Like, those characters won’t ever be friends, but there’s still that little place of trust between them, it’s a delicate portrayal of ambiguous relationships.

Basically, what ends the manga, if the end of Futaba’s own manga (the romantic comedy). And I really like the outlook she has on it, at the end of her 2 years and a half of work. Even though she didn’t want to write such a thing, in the end, she met a lot of people thanks to it, and, through challenging her own vision of relationships and romance, she finally managed to complete her certitude in herself and who she is. I think that’s a lovely parallel.

It also ends her questions, and she rejects Kyosuke (I usually can’t help but laugh when a Straight man gets rejected in fiction I’m an asshole I know). Their conversation is really lovely after that, and challenged the expectations of partnership. Kyosuke asks her if she would have accepted his proposal if, like one year ago, he didn’t feel anything towards her. And her answer is no. She did think about it, imagining their marriage as a fake straight couple, and how she knew that, while it would have asked concessions and sacrifices from both of them, they could have been happy. But what she needs isn’t some stability based on renunciations, but ton confront reality, so she can live in agreement with herself.

Also, the moment after her choice, loneliness and worry strike her, and she acknowledges that feeling, because it’s okay, it doesn’t mean she made the wrong choice. It will pass.

The younger guy who’s also in romance with her, interestingly enough, resolves the situation in a very mature way. He asks her if she’s found her answer, when they’re about to part ways (he’s no longer her assistant), and she says that, yes, she doesn’t feel romance - and he thanks her, for having endured his weirdness all this time, and bids her farewell. And we then have his thoughts - while his decisions, to act that way, was difficult for him, he did so because it was the right thing to do and he realized that insisting would have bothered her. That was nice. The situation is weird for Futaba too, because, as his senior, she kinda felt responsible for him, protective maybe? And she’s a bit overwhelmed by how much this kid’s grown.

There’s an epilogue of sorts, and we can see that Futaba decided to entirely live while being true to herself, which also means making some changes.

To conclude: I really liked this serie! It’s nice to see a woman over 30, finally embracing herself - despite having gone through doubts, even at her age - after making sure she was right about her feelings. She’s, well, asexual I think, but it’s the aro part that matters to her, and really has an influence on her life, the ace part is more of an afterthought. It’s also nice to see a nonamorous aromantic woman! Aro women are already hard to grasp in our amatonormative and migogynistic society, so a nonamorous one probably even more so.

It was overall a really nice experience, I’m not going to say everything was perfect, and her aromanticism is the topic of the story, but Futaba is also her own person and this is never downplayed in favour of talking about her identity. Definitely something too rare and, as such, very enjoyable.

#my post #Aromantic (Love) Story #Aro representation

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toa-incorrect-quotes · 5 years

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with the new book coming out soon, how do you feel about reyna and apollo possibly getting together or whatever's going on? i REALLY don't like it and honestly, i'm pretty sure no one else does either

So I am personally really against the pairing, I don’t think they are compatible at all and I just don’t think they would be good as a couple, their personalities make it hard for me to picture them ever being in a healthy relationship, they are just too different, and that’s not to say that people who don’t have a lot in common can’t be in a functional relationship, I just really can’t find anything about either of them that would make me think they would be good as a couple, they have a few minor things in common, but their personalities are polar opposites, they’d likely get bored of each other if they actually dated. I think they have potential to become close friends who support each other and have a platonic relationship, but they both seem to want such different thing in their life, I don’t think them being together romantically would work. Apollo’s quest is for him to regain his immortality and to bring back the oracles he neglected, when his quest is over and he becomes a god, how would they even stay together? Their options would be for Apollo to stay mortal for Reyna, have Apollo become a god and Reyna stay mortal or have Reyna become a goddess with him. And none of those options really sound great to me, and I will riot if this series ends with Apollo not being a god. But lack of compatibility aside, my main problem with the ship is that the age gap seems highly inappropriate to me, I think in the Heroes of Olympus Reyna was sixteen or something, she might be seventeen by The Tyrants Tomb, but regardless she is a minor. Apollo on the other hand is thousands of years old, even though he is technically in the body of a sixteen year old, he’s still had the life experiences of an adult, he has kids for crying out loud. He’s definitely lost a lot of his memories, and doesn’t remember all of his 4612 years, but he clearly does remember quite a lot of his life and he doesn’t really seem to think of himself as a teenager, and he definitely doesn’t have the maturity of a teenager, so him dating a minor is very much off the table in my opinion. He even stated that Olujime, the guy he was flirting with in The Dark Prophecy, who would have been in his twenties and in college, was too young for him, so Reyna would certainly be too young for him. The age gap for me is the biggest reason I don’t like it, and another reason that I really don’t like the ship is that I know that Apollo is a character who has gotten a lot of hate from the pjo fandom for being “annoying” and because a lot of people in the fandom have decided its his fault that Jason is dead (people seem to be more mad at him than they are at Caligula for Jason dying which infuriates me to no end, even though everyone knows it was Caligula that killed him and no one denies Caligula’s role thankfully, there are still people spending more time being mad at Apollo than at Caligula, I have even heard people say “it’s almost entirely Apollo’s fault”) and if Apollo, someone who is hated by a decent chunk of the fandom dates a character like Reyna who has a lot of stans who think she is too good for this world and that no one is worthy of her, Apollo is going to get even more hate. And not to mention that I think a lot of people will be annoyed if Reyna ends up with any man at all, people want her to be a lesbian (despite the fact that she has had male crushes, so if she were to be wlw she would surely be bi or pan) I think the fandom will throw a hissy fit if Reyna doesn’t either stay single or end up with a girl, and if she ends up with Apollo, people aren’t going to be happy and they’ll take their anger out on him and I’m not ready for that to happen. I’ve already seen him get enough hate for Jason dying, if this happens too, Apollo and toa is going to get so much hate I can’t stand it.

And I know I’ve given a lot of reasons why I think it doesn’t work, and I don’t think it does, but honestly if it weren’t for the inappropriate age gap, I would be willing to give Reypollo a chance if it were well developed, and I think that if Venus’ prophecy was about them, there wouldn’t be the problem of underdevelopment, since it’d be in the making for several books now. But given Reyna’s age no amount of development is going to make me like it. If Venus’ prophecy was about Apollo and Reyna being a couple and Rick has been planning this for several books now, I really wish that he had given more thought to the age thing, and made Reyna at least eighteen if she were to end up with a four thousand year old in the body of a teenager. Like if Rick has been planning this for so long, I’m going to be pretty mad that he never gave consideration to the fact that Reyna would be too young for Apollo, he could have easily avoided it by making Reyna 18+ and having Apollo be turned into a mortal a few years older than sixteen, and then the age thing wouldn’t be a problem. But I think Rick just really doesn’t seem to consider the age gaps of characters when pairing them up, like Caleo for example, it’s a ship I would otherwise be fine with if not for the fact that Leo is younger than Reyna and Calypso is older than Apollo. I think the only thing about Caleo that makes it a little less terrible is that Calypso at least acts like a teenager and wants to go to school like a normal teen, and since time was very distorted on Ogygia, maybe she does have the maturity of a teen, but that’s a big maybe and I just don’t understand why Rick would even go there, Caleo is a pairing that is hard to defend. And Sadie and Anubis, which I don’t remember too well, but Sadie is twelve or thirteen and her love interest was thousands of years old. I need to reread the Kane Chronicles, but I don’t think they actually ended up together, I think they just sort of liked each other or something, but even that just weirds me out so much.

And yeah, there certainly aren’t many people who like this ship and want it to be canon, I’ve only heard maybe two people say they were open to it, I haven’t seen Reypollo really get much more support than that, most people seem to agree that the ship just does not work.

And I know that during the lead up to The Tyrants Tomb there are going to be Reyna stans that are going to hate the ship because “Reyna deserves better” I know that we are going to start seeing more posts saying stuff like “Reyna don’t worry I’ll save you from that idiot Apollo” I already have for months, and this was before we had that excerpt from TTT hinting at Reypollo, I’m honestly scared to check the toa tags these days, because even though it isn’t canon (yet) Apollo is probably already getting hate.

I think in the next book we will find out what Venus’ prophecy that “no demigod would heal her heart” meant and who it was about. I have argued before that Venus’ prophecy could be about Apollo, but the heart healing was meant in a platonic way and that Reyna and Apollo will confide in each other and help each other through some of their past traumas. The prophecy was vague, and to me “healing her heart” doesn’t necessarily have to mean that they would need to be in a romantic relationship to do that, sometimes what people need isn’t a romantic relationship to fix their problems, sometimes what people need is a friend who can support them and who they can confide in, and I’m really hoping that Apollo can be that person for Reyna, and that is what the prophecy was talking about. I’m hoping that Rick is just trying to subvert our expectations, Reypollo seems almost too obvious in my opinion, however that’s probably just wishful thinking on my part, it’ll likely end up being canon.

Edit: Okay since posting this I’ve also come to the realisation that Rick’s timelines are as the kids say “whack” so with that in mind there is the possibility that Reyna is fucking somehow eighteen years old by the Tyrants Tomb tbh I don’t really remember her age too well so you’ll have to forgive me if I’m wrong but if she is eighteen by the Tyrants Tomb, then the ship would definitely be less problematic in my opinion and I’d definitely have less ground to stand on when I say that the age is inappropriate, however from my memory of her age in hoo, she would still be a minor, and if she is a minor I am not cool with it. Any other problems I have with the ship are incredibly small compared to my problems with the age gap. So if it were to be canon and they were both at an age where they could consent to a relationship, I could live with it, if Reyna is a minor however, I am very much not okay with them dating. But unless it’s confirmed in canon that Reyna isn’t a minor, I still stick by the statement that the age gap isn’t appropriate. And even if she is eighteen, it still would be pretty weird in my opinion.

#ask #trials of apollo #apollo pjo #pjo apollo #lester papadopoulos #Reyna Avila Ramírez-Arellano #reypollo #apoleyna #the tyrants tomb

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newbi-ginning · 5 years

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The day I came out to Her

Gather round for a heartwarming tale about the day I came out to my wife that I was a bisexual man.

Seriously. It’s sweet. I wish more people were as lucky as I am.

Background... a few months ago, we had been talking about threesomes, and that working from my desire for her to be comfortable with her needs, I said it was ok with me if she wanted to try sex with another woman, without me present, or with me in another room, available for emotional support. I didn’t want her to be under any pressure to perform for me. I was also ok if we wanted to try an MMF threesome, as straight MMF play was something she had described to me in one of her fantasies.

You see... I had assumed, incorrectly, that she was bi-curious or bi-flexible based on some things she had said. And while she could absolutely understand where I misunderstood her, she said she didn’t have any desire to go down on another woman, any more than I had a desire to go down on any man. (Oh, how surprised I would be on that account!) She also wasn’t very comfortable with threesomes, but would think about it. She wasn’t saying no, just not yet.

We talked a bit more, mostly on the Kinsey scale, and while it isn’t perfect, it was good for our discussion. We both agreed that we were 0.5s. Put the right dick (for me) or pussy (for her) in front of us, and importantly, the right person attached to those parts, and either of us could probably go for it, if we had permission from the other. I wasn’t going to push it. If she didn’t have any interest, that was that. Unless consent was enthusiastic, we would stay right where we were.

I told her that I appreciated her honesty, and that I wasn’t hurt that the kind of MFF threesome I had fantasized about was not in our future, and reassured her that my wanting something was a lot different from needing something that she couldn’t give. I also said that it meant a lot that she hadn’t reacted negatively to my being on the edge of bisexuality, as it was much more socially acceptable to be a bi woman than a bi man. Of course, that itself was a mixed bag, due to the fetishization of bi women in the media. She didn’t care what was socially acceptable, though.

If our interests were swapped, bros would absolutely be trying to give me high fives and propositioning her or us for sex. Not as likely for what our future will hold now, but that is not acceptable either way.

Fast forward several months... I was watching Netflix’s GLOW, which is campy as hell, fun, but has a lot of sucker punches for those of us who lived through the 80s... and still see the holes left by those that didn’t survive.

***Spoilers for 3rd season of GLOW, which you honestly should have watched already, and for 1st and 2nd seasons, too, I suppose.***

There is this scene towards the end of the third season where Rhonda (stage name Britannica) tries to reignite the flame of her very convenient and very recent marriage to Bash (the producer of the women’s wrestling show), not through communication, but games and deception. She hires another wrestler’s boyfriend (also a gigolo/sex worker) to just be in their room to play the part of a hotel plumber, who is so very good with his hands, chatting and flirting when Bash comes back at the end of the day, which she expects to make him jealous enough to stop sexually neglecting her.

We know that Bash is pursued by men and women alike, that he has some homophobic responses to some of those men, and that his butler/best friend Florian has died from AIDS related pneumonia, so what happens next is not completely unexpected. How it progresses was.

Bash seems nonplussed (that glorious word that means both annoyed and not annoyed at the same time) by this, and suggests that Paul the Plumber kiss his wife, touch her, caress her. I liked how this was going, and really hoped it wasn’t going towards cuckoldry roleplay, as GLOW does tend to drop current buzzword topics into scripts, but I just don’t like that dynamic. No shade on those that do. Rhonda seems to melt at finally getting the affection she has been needing, despite being unsure where this is going.

The bedroom is where this is going, at Bash’s suggestion, where Bash and Paul make a Rhonda sandwhich. Both men kiss Rhonda... then each other... and then put their hands down each others very 80s underwear. Rhonda is a little confused, but she rolls with it as the scene ends.

Except, it wasn’t weird. Just surprising.

Moment of clarity.

I wanted Rhonda and/or Paul.

The story continues, and takes a very 80s turn, because this side of Bash scares him. He doesn’t want to die like Florian did. We don’t know if Bash is bi or gay at this point, and I’m not certain that Bash knows. I hope he develops as bi, and that he and Rhonda can have a good relationship, especially as the 80s progress and people better understand how to safely be themselves.

***Spoilers over***

The entire scene showed me something. I was bi. Like I said, moment of clarity. Couldn’t argue with that. A lot of stuff made sense.

I spent the next two weeks grappling with this (and my erection), read some, watched a couple youtube clips on what being bi meant, and watching a lot of bisexual male porn. Which I really liked. A lot. I fantasized about a lot of man on man fun, and how much fun it would be to share a man with Her. I read up on safer same sex.

And about a week ago, when She asked how my day had been, and mischievously asked if I wanted to share anything sexy with her. I decided that this was as good of an opening as I would have, and I didn’t want to hide this from her any longer than I needed to. It hadn’t gone away like previous urges had. It was fully formed and it was real.

So I said, “Maybe. Can we do facetime?”

Yeah. Facetime.

Maybe I hadn’t mentioned that I’m putting the finishing touches on our house before we sell it, and She is living in another city, since Her job there has already started? This might seem a bit fucked up, dropping a bomb like this on video chat instead of face to face, but I believed in us.

I told her that I had seen a really hot porn scene (the Glow connection had slipped my mind at this point), and followed it down a bit of a rabbit hole, and that this did not change anything about my commitment to her, but the scene included two guys fooling around. And I had realized that I was bisexual.

I hadn’t done anything, but that didn’t matter. Bisexuality is about attraction and desire, not actions. A gay person can be a virgin, and if I never have sex with another guy, I’m still bisexual.

She said that was fine. She loved me, and this didn’t change that. We were strong, and that she accepted me unconditionally

Yeah. She really is that wonderful. I had expected that result, but after about an hour of discussion, not instantly.

I continued to say that watching a guy suck another guy’s dick was really hot, and -

She interjected, “Well, yeah! Of course it is!”

I knew that there were a couple bi MMF scenes she had talked about being really sexy in various shows she had watched, Sense8 was one, and that she occasionally watched gay porn, and liked it. I just didn’t realize that she thought gay porn could be as hot as I thought lesbian porn could be (and yes, we both realize how problematic it is to consume porn that reduces wlw to entertainment for men, or mlm for women).

Checking to make sure that I hadn’t lost my teeth, I continued.

I wanted to try giving oral to another man, but not without her permission, as safely as possible, and preferably with her present for emotional support and/or even to join in to whatever extent she was comfortable with.

She said that she definitely wanted to talk more about it, and that this conversation needed to be truly face to face, but that she would support me, and wanted me to be fulfilled as a person. Until then, I was expected to keep my hands, mouth, and dick to myself. She did say that with love in her voice, but we understood each other. It would hurt her if I went outside our relationship without talking about it.

And then she said, “Love is love.”

We have talked for hours every day since (so nothing has changed there), and the day that we list the house is getting closer. She says that I’m sounding happier, more confident, and she loves hearing what I’m learning about myself. She has started looking for support groups for spouses of bi people in our new city, and promptly rejected the Straight Spouse Network as coming across as way too toxic and fatalistic from its website. She wants this to work, and I do to.

And we will.

I’m not just with someone that I want to be with more than all the other women in the world.

I want to be with her more than everyone else, man, woman, or GNC person.

I know that not everyone will have a first coming out as positive as this, but we hear about bad ones, and my fellow bisexuals are more likely to be in the closet than most other parts of the rainbow, and have higher rates of mental illness and self harm than gay and lesbian people. The closet is a coffin for us, too. Being as out as you safely can be will show people that biphobia is just as groundless as homophobia.

I’m not ready to be completely out. That will happen with time. But there are people that are at the top of my list. She wants to be with me as I begin that process, in case anything doesn’t go well. I’m strong, but sometimes a bit delicate.

We still won’t be welcome in many circles, especially conservative and religious ones. And some LG parts of the LGBTQ+ family will still push us away, and I’ll never tell someone that doesn’t feel safe around men that they have to put up with me in their space (I’ll go stand somewhere else, but I AM coming to community events that are open to bi people).

I’m as much a part of the larger community as they are, and for each of us that is out, it makes it safer for others to be out. It shows we are trustworthy. We aren’t dangerous. We aren’t any more likely to cheat than straight people are. We aren’t spreading STIs. We just see more potential partners in the world than they might. This difference is part of life.

Viva la difference!

#bisexual #bisexual visibility #bi mental health #bi stereotypes #coming out #biphobia #happy ending #bi and proud #bi and happy #mixed orientation relationship #bi husband #straight wife #love is love

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pyronado-moved · 5 years

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I’m Mars and I made band ocs out of my love of music ;0 Under the cut ofc there’s 22 of them. Their designs aren’t 100% finalized since I did use picrews but yeehaw. Send me asks abt them or something I’m dying to ramble here.

Quick info: - Something Wild is more pop punk, Karma 2.0 is more punk rock/grunge - They’ve been rivals since Tish and Kasey first saw each other

SOMETHING WILD:

- Tish is the lead singer and founder. 20 years old and she’s already a total anarchist with no self control. Her gecko is named Winston the Eighth despite being the first of his kind. Has been to jail like 16 times or something. Trans lesbian. - Scott is the drummer and honestly? Horny rights. 21 years old, his rat is named Abbott and his cat is named Costello. He and Ryan have an off and on rivalry and relationship, aka they fucking hate each other but sometimes they kiss. Mia’s foster brother. Trans gay. - Ryan is the lead guitarist of the band and Tish’s friend since 1st grade. He’s 20 and on his 16th birthday he jumped off his roof into his pool. He would attack Scott if he didn’t have a massive crush lmao. Masc nb gay. - Zee is the second guitarist and a weird ‘half-hipster half-hates hipsters’ type of person. 22 years old. They radiate ‘i stole from a bank once but no one can prove it, not even me’ vibes. They love their gf’s a lot. Nb bi. - Magdelena is Ryan’s twin sister, 20 and ready to run into the woods and become a hermit at any time. Celine and Zee mean the world to her and she’d do anything for the two fo them. She’s the band’s bassist and honestly doesn’t like Tish but she does like money and fame. Cis bi. - Celine is the band’s favorite roadie (seeing as she’s dating 2 of the members lmao). She can play keyboard and is sometimes hiding offstage with one. 20 years old with a heart of gold. She's selectively mute and often times Maggie or Zee speak up for her. Trans bi. - June is the band’s manager because Tish is a complete moron all of the time. 24 and met Ryan and Maggie in a shoe store and since then has taken care of their group of idiots. Massive crush on Kara but is always too busy to actually ask her out. NB lesbian. - Layla is Tish’s older sister and spoils her baby sister so much. She’s the one who always bails Tish out of jail without regards of why she was ever there. Supports the band from a distance since she works at a cable company and can’t really travel. She’s 25 and sees Ryan and Maggie as other younger siblings. Cis bi. - Mia is Scott’s foster sister after her parents moved away without her. She loves him to death but to everyone else she’s a total brat. Despite being 15 and needing decent schooling, she travels with the band and just does online school. She’s really good on the guitar like her brother and wants to start her own band some day. Cis and ??? - Stella is Mia’s only real friend and they met during one of the band’s tour shows. She’s the chillest person you’ll ever meet but she’s also a major humans rights activist. She’s an amazing singer at 16 and Mia wants her to join her future band. Trans bi. - Kara is Scott’s ex girlfriend from when they were in 7th grade and both thought they were straight. She helps June with the band and sees Celine as the younger sister she never had. 21 and although book smart, she sure isn’t street smart. Crushing hard on June. Cis lesbian.

KARMA 2.0:

- Kasey is the lead singer and once won a singing competition at 14. Now she’s 21 and her solo career has been totally forgotten. She thinks Tish is the worst person on the planet and will go to great lengths to destroy Something Wild’s career. She loves her crew beyond believe though. Dating Rose and loves her so so much. Cis lesbian. - Isabelle is Kasey’s younger sister by 3 years and will do anything her big sis asks of her, even down to the most illegal thing. She copies Kasey all the time, even in hair color and actions. She’s the band’s bassist and one of the most well known bassists in the punk rock circle these days. Trans bi. - Kaia wanted to be a zoologist as a kid but her school career went downhill fast and she accidentally got swept up in the music world. She’s the band’s lead guitarist and despite it not being her first choice, she loves being part of the group. She’s dating Leo and they’re a cute as hell couple. Trans bi. - Elijah is Kasey’s best friend and the two tell each each other every little thing, Eli even being the one to convince Kasey to start a band. He’s the drummer and loves it so much. He doesn’t really approve of Kasey wanting to end Tish’s career but doesn’t say it. Trans bi. - Neo is the group’s second guitarist and honestly can’t bring herself to care about drama, she just wants to play. She and Winona used to date but now they’re best friends. She’s developing a game on the side of her band career and plans to leave Karma 2.0 once her gaming company gets traction. Trans lesbian. - Rose has looked god in the eye and wasn’t impressed. 21 year old daredevil without a care in the world (except loving and cherishing her gf Kasey). Terrible memory from a childhood accident but that doesn’t get her down. Cis lesbian. - Nebula went to jail for robbing his landlord. His childhood friend Kaia bailed him out and since then he’s been the band’s tech guy as payment. 22 and can’t do anything well, but can do many things decently. Helps Neo out with her game all the time. Crushing on Elijah. nb gay. - Winona is just here for a good time really. She’s doing an online college course to be a nurse since she wants to support both of Neo’s careers rather than being stuck in her hometown in a boring college. She’s got a love for graphic design and usually makes all the band’s posters. Cis bi. - Harper is Winona’s older sister and she helps Kasey manage the band and set up their gigs and tours. Of everyone in the band, she’s the one who helps Kasey the most with her take down plan of Something Wild. Her heart is in the right place but her greed takes over at times. Cis bi. - Leo is the only real functioning adult of the group despite being the youngest at 20. She’s actually only there to support Kaia, since she prefers country music to the loud, annoying, punk that Karma 2.0 plays. Trans lesbian. - Samantha is Neo’s co-developer and seriously disapproves of her friend’s band life. Self proclaimed ‘queen of the computers.’ She’s reserved and keeps away from pretty much everyone but Neo. Cis bi.

#far out!#alex ocs #haaaa took forever but im done

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dangerliesbeforeyou · 5 years

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dan made me do it

(lol jk, but like i have Feelings(tm) about my sexuality and everything & figure this is the best time and place to do it...)

So I figured out I was bisexual a little over 5 years ago, after discovering it was a legitimate thing I could call myself whilst being on tumblr (2014 was a big time for lgbt discourse, especially in terms of the various terms and labels, most of which I hadn’t been familiar with...)... but tbh, I’d been trying to come to terms with who I was in terms of my sexuality for a long time

I grew up in a religious house (my parents were jehovah’s witnesses), but I never really remember anything vaguely homophobic being thrown around? And even if it did exist, I wouldn’t have been aware of it since I never had any question or doubt in my mind about the fact I was attracted to boys (I’d had a rly intense crush on this one boy for about 5 years through primary and secondary school... I still sometimes see his pics on facebook & u know what? I still would lol anyway...) my early days in school were mostly taken up by trying to get friends not be a total recluse (I’ve always had trouble making friends and connecting to people it’s no biggie it’ ss fineee........ ok carry on>>)

So going into secondary school I never felt that I was anything other than straight? But one thing I vividly remember was the way people in my year treated girls that were suspected to be gay... in short? they were seen as ‘dirty’... it was something perverted, and highly sexualised... (as in: being a lesbian meant masturbating a lot... (i mean: this says something about wider misogyny & demonising of female pleasure but like.. another time, another time) & also making out loads with other girls)... like no one ever came up and said ‘being gay is wrong’, but whenever rumours spread about a girl being suspected as gay and they didn’t deny them, people would suddenly start whispering about them... & it’s super strange to me that this was the same culture that if two female friends were really close and got labelled as gay, but came out and were like ‘oh no we’re straight ha ha we just kiss at parties and touch each others boobs’ or whatever, people would be completely ok with it?

So I never really gave myself the opportunity to go into this... I was never comfortable enough to be super ‘close’ to any of my female friends (intimacy issues: we don’t have to to get into all THAT right now though lol ahahaha....ha...) & I knew I wasn’t so called ‘skanky’ like all the girls who were labelled as being actually gay...

& this was all happening as I found myself actually being interested in looking at girls... (like what can I say? boobs are friggin nice to look at lol...) But i always saw it as innocent intrigue, since I was only 11/12 at the time so hadn’t grown into my own at the time... and the fact I felt more comfortable being touched by or talking to or like literally doing anything with girls? it’s just cos boys are gross there’s no other reason behind it!!.... right?

I think a big thing is that a lot of girls are so open with each other... like they’ll compliment each other’s boobs or asses, or comment on how pretty they are or their makeup skills or whatever.. you’ll be hard pressed to find a girl that goes all ‘no homo’ on her friend except.... I feel like that was me lol? I remember getting compliments from other girls about my appearance (didn’t happen often though pffft) or anything really and feeling all mushy inside, and giving the compliments back felt like a big deal to me? idk I suppose all the warning signs were there that hidden under layers of introverted awkwardness was a lil bi demon just waiting to come out lol!

So yadyyada, 2014 happens and I finally realise I’m bi... I just remember reading something on here about bisexuality and being like ‘oh damn yeh... dat me??’... like it felt amazing to be able to finally accept that I actually like girls too?? & one of the first people I told was this guy I became friends with when I first went to college... & he told me he was also bi and I remember thinking ‘wow!!!!! so it’s actually real?! it’s not just something you see on tumblr from random strangers, it’s an actual thing people I know irl experience wowwowowow’... I also came out to another online friend who I was close to, and it felt really amazing... but I could never translate that into actually coming out in real life (not to mention life was kinda shit at this time and I had like 0 friends but hEY, that’s not for now kiddos lol)...

So yeh, I’ve never actually come out to anyone... not properly anyway... I’ve always been very open about my sexuality online, but in real life I’ve never really discussed it with ... anyone? & it’s not because I’m ashamed in anyway, and it’s not even as if I’m that scared I just... I’ve never felt the need to? But after seeing Dan’s video, plus it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, this is something I really wanna do... see; I was so ready to live life just being ‘straight until I maybe get a girlfriend one day’, so ready to only tell people if they ask me but I just realised... isn’t that partly living a lie? who I’m with doesn’t change my sexuality, so why is it something I’m seemingly so scared of declaring to the world??

I vividly have this memory, before I realised I was bi, and I have no idea of why or when or any of the details, but me and my mum were watching something, and bisexuality was mentioned, and either my mum agreed with, or she said something along the lines of ‘bisexuals are more likely to cheat’, and that’s really stuck with me.... it’s something that’s always nagging in the back of my mind, and it... really fucking hurts lol... I know for a fact my mum will love my regardless of who I end up sleeping with or whatever, she may be pretty conservative in her mindset of things but she’s always willing to be open minded which I really love about her... but knowing this inbuilt stereotype of bisexuality is something she both acknowledges and somewhat agrees with is really... sad...

I’m 21 years old, I’ve been in one relationship in my life which only last a few months and involved no kissing and only occasional hand holding because I was too terrified to do any more (again: subject for aNOTHER day lol), and I know for a goddamn FACT that my sexuality would never make me more likely to be unfaithful to someone I claim to love...I really hate that this is associated with the label, but it’s something I know that I am... why on earth would I change that or try to be something else when I know that /this/ is me!

I think one of the biggest things putting me off ‘coming out’ is having to explain yourself... like dan howell made a 45 minute long video discussing his own sexuality and experiences cos he knew people wouldn’t just accept it if he just tweeted ‘yo dawgs imma queer lol #swag’ one day, and it feels kinda annoying that queer people/lgbtq+ people feel like we can’t just...... be ourselves without having to justify or explain it?! (even me making this post is solidifying that factor lol... it’s a mess lol)... like I just wanna live my life being bi, is that so much to ask for lol?

I am so so SO grateful we have so much more bi, and lgbtq+ in general, representation in media these days.... it’s goddamn beautiful to see our stories, and the stories of our community being told and cherished by millions, and that’s really gotta be something to rejoice in this pride month!!!

(side note: dan also talks about gender identity & I have literally never related to anything more lol... like 90% of the time I don’t feel like what people classify as ‘womanly’ things... but also I am a woman? idk man lol just call me a formless blob or whatever it was he said lol as a baby no one really knew if I was a girl or boy since my mum mainly dressed me in yellow & I had like 2 strands of hairs on my head lol... damn I miss those days lol)

In conclusion (or tl;dr as I’ve seen the Cool people write on their long posts (yes I had to google what it meant shhhh)):

Hi, my name is Xanthe, my username is ‘dangerliesbeforeyou’ here on tumblr because I made it 7 years ago and I wanted to use a cool sounding harry potter quote so I could come across as sophisticated but also nerdy, I’m a 21 year old female (mostly?) and I am a proud Bisexual...

I’m also single and very ready to mingle if anyone is interested ;;;;;;;;;)

(that’s only half a joke lol... plz romance me I’m v lonely)

#personal #lgbtq #pride month #idk what to tag lol #thank u for giving me the confidence to do this daniel lol...#maybe i'll b able to come out to my family who knowsss

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passionandpurposeblog-blog · 5 years

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Sexuality: No More to say and so over it

A few months after my long term girlfriend and I split up, I ended up in bed with Phillip, A nice guy that I’d known for some time. During the post-sex talk, he turns and asks “So does that mean you’re straight now?”

“LMFAO”

‘You’ve got a nice cock and I had a great orgasm, …..but you haven’t awoken anything in me that wasn’t already there. You cannot ‘make’ me straight and no one forced me to fuck you’

Infact, No one else would sexually awaken anything in me. Not the next guy after Phil, or the guy after that guy, or the girl after the guy after Phil. The list goes on and the list started waaaay back into my early teens. I've always been open, I was experimenting with drugs and people at a young age, I had a threesome with a guy and a girl when I was just 18. When I look back, I must admit that was very young for such an experience, but I just went with the flow. I don’t regret it, but I wish I had done it at a later age to really make the most of it and have the emotional maturity that you need to go with it.

I’ve been listening to an interview with Kate Pierson (B52’s) and she has recently married her long term partner, a woman that she has dated for 15 years. She said that she had always dated men, and was even married before and that this lady came along and bang she was in love, just like that. Kate Pierson is now 71, So this is her 55-year-old self experiencing a major transition and shift in her life. Whilst trawling through the B52s back catalog online I read so many comments from random fans. ‘She's a lesbian’ ‘I never knew’ ‘But she was married to so and so’ and this is exactly the snooze fest that I am writing about today. Yawn...... If she spent 40 years with different men and now met a woman, perhaps shes just er just bisexual? And more importantly, shouldn’t we be interested in the music and her voice? As much as I love her, when all is said and done I don’t really want to think about the bedroom antics of a 71-year-old yknow.

What is it with the labels?

It’s like no one is comfortable until they know exactly which box you belong in, and if you stray from that box then their tiny minds scramble and system overload occurs. ‘ANNOUNCE YOURSELF AT ONCE’ ‘What are you?’ and ‘Don’t you dare have options or change, it doesn’t fit with the label I’ve prescribed you’.

Before we label Kate a lesbian, how about we mention that she’s a brilliant talented vocalist with over 40 years in the band? Or is that how we are defining her now ‘The lesbian’?. *Insert laughing emoji here*

“Bisexuals always get dumped on,” says Cynthia Nixon from Sex in the City...The Media has too labeled her a lesbian when much like Kate Pierson, she was in fact with men and entered into this new world later on in her life. It’s like now we must erase her whole previous life and deny that any man has ever come close to her! How dare she now turnaround and say she's’ attracted to men! How fucking dare she, she’s lesbian property now and she has no voice! She never said she was anything, You did!

I thought, ‘I get it! I get You, I just get it’. She’s attracted to people, they may be male or they may be female yet shes being kettled to a place she never asked to be. It really is that simple. Should her current relationship end, nothing stops her going back to men, dating another woman or even staying single. Your past partners do not mean that your future self is set in stone. It’s not difficult to understand really is it?

But! And there is a But!

Say Cinthia and her gf/wife did break up and she dated a man. She won’t find it that easy, because of what I call, the whole ‘lesbian fragility’ - Gay women who pride themselves on being with women and only women and god fucking forbid should you show any interest in a guy. Well, You are now damaged goods my girl. A sell-out, banished!....exiled from the pride....like the Lioness in last weeks BBC Planet Earth. How can you and the gay community ever really watch the L Word again together or listen to Ani Difranco in the same way? ‘It’s just not the same’ they’ll whine.

I’m being serious. There is a reverse discrimination within the gay community! I’ve seen it first hand. I’ve seen a few women in same sex relationships end, then go for a guy and their ‘friends’ no longer feel the same way about them, there’s no time to hang out anymore and she is “too busy with her straight friends”.

Awwwww did someone emasculate you?

I’ve never really enjoyed the company of gay women if I'm honest. I always found their friendships forged on sharing of sexual preference rather than common interest, views or hobbies. I usually think their haircuts are shit and they present me with this feeling where they are unsure if they want to fuck me or fight me. Very awkward, not to mention its a very childish and incestuous scene.

I have seen this so many times with women, either in a same sex or opposite and then switch later on down the line which is what I mean about experience and just understanding those around you. I think a lot of women are on the bi spectrum. Not all, no, but a lot are, and sexuality is fluid. About three months ago my cock hungry straight friend told me she’d met some woman online and is now having the best sex of her life! Great, wonderful, Whoppie. So how do I label her? …....‘Err Mary’......... I label her Mary. I can’t really call her cock hungry right now, so I’ll just label her ‘Hungry Mary’.

One of my oldest friends is gay – full blown lesbian, never been with a guy but totally cool with every bi girl that has. She and I sit on a different part of the spectrum, but she gets it and like myself she gives those around her that mutual respect and safe space to be who they are. If she turned around tomorrow and said she’s dating a guy, I wouldn’t be shocked, not because she has ever indicated that she likes guys, but simply because people change.

I know three guys that have also experimented with other guys, would identify as straight and two of the three have long term girlfriends and kids. I just think at the time they took the ‘any holes a goal’ attitude and like my younger self, just went with the flow.

As we age and grow the fuck up, this should be more accepted and we should just allow people to do who and what they want without the questions, especially the silly questions. It’s really mind numbingly boring, not to mention so nosey!? Jeez, get your own life in order. Despite my ramblings, I'm actually a pretty private person. I just don’t discuss my private life or anyone I’m dating, I have so many transient non-committal interactions with people that I just don’t feel I need to.

I’ve been chatting to some people for ages, and I still wouldn’t discuss parts of my life with them. I keep my circle so small, and If we don’t click like that, we don’t click like that. It’s cool, because there is far more to me and far more to you than who we have in our beds right? I cant imagine meeting someone and asking them, “so what are ya?” CRINGE. I’d die. I’ve got some friends that I’ve spoken to for years, we’ve had really great conversations and it’s never occurred to me to stop and ask ‘do you have a partner? Are you gay?’

The small circle of friends that I have know me, they get me and that’s my safe space.

I do find some of the questions and statements really annoying, and if I’m honest just plain weird. I have an irritating male friend in that likes to continually remind me that I’m attracted to women, and of course, there is no way that I can be attracted to men, because I’m not attracted to him..... *eye roll* Dick! It’s like me saying to someone, ‘but you said you like mixed raced girls, so why don’t you like me’ it’s really really weird and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Its uncomfortable because he cannot address or acknowledge his own fascination with bisexuality and cannot stop mentioning it every time he sees me? He makes out he is cool and open-minded, yet I seem to be the topic of convo or butt of his jokes. Address your homophobia or your weird unrequited sexualisation of me whatever the issue is. Seek help mate, Your issue not mine.

I cannot recall being asked what two women do in bed, but I have heard of it being asked to other people. It’s hilarious. I honestly believe that if you are over 25 and cannot work that out then you have a really dull imagination and I’d bet you are not very experienced. Not necessarily in bedding two women at once, but just in experiencing people; hearing their stories, watching porn, understanding their anatomy and physiology. OR You are being a menace and condescending..... I’ve never seen two men at it live, but I’m pretty sure I know how it goes down ;-)

Sometime ago I spent a fair amount of time at a bdsm sex dungeon helping out an old friend. Id mostly film her sessions, and now and then Id help out by giving some guys the odd little kick in the nuts etc. Boy, I could write a whole new blog on that experience LOL! I saw some things!

Meeting all the different types of people that came in the dungeon really opened my eyes to the world of sex and sexuality and just what turns people on. You really cannot judge what people are into, and you’d never know. It’s funny, the ‘geezers’ that make the gay jokes about bumming are often the same ones that ask the women to wear strap ons ;-). People have their quirks and their kinks, they just hide it well BELIEVE me.

I’ve seen a lot and I’m very open and not much phases me, but because I’m not phased, or excited by the gossip or the fascination of it all I'm over it. …....over the labels, the questions, the presumptions, opinions and the basic inability to let people do what they want in peace. So because of this I decided a long time ago that I’m actually over my sexuality and stopped speaking about it back in my twenties.

Yawn.

No one owns me and no one dictates.

I’m not anything, I’m just me in that particular point of time. No path is set and I answer to no one except who’s in my bed.

Keep your own truth

#sexulaity #bisexuality fragility homophobia lgbt straight labels b52s #sexuality #cockhungry

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dawningmuseventing · 5 years

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So sometimes you can just see when people don’t get it and don’t care to get it

Like my sister. I love her so much but honestly she’s just an uncaring asshole who only thinks about herself sometimes. So she kinda recently found out I was bi, after years (even before I recognized for myself that I liked girls) of “joking” about if I’m a lesbian or something.

You know what I mean by “joking” like she doesn’t believe me when I tell her and that she knew all along or whatever and not getting that, even if I knew I did like girls, that I might not be comfortable just yet saying it and never even considering what it might be like to be gay in a world where straight is the norm and that our dad might not be the most accepting even if it wouldn’t change that he loved me.

Anyway, today I’m hanging out with some friends and I had asked her to pick me up, she said sure. Now, I know that she doesn’t like giving my friends a ride home or anything and barely even tolerated coming to pick me up from a place that is 15-20 minutes from our house. I also know that our mom doesn’t like it cause of spending gas so I just ask them if it’s ok if we give my best friend a ride to our house so that she grabs an uber from there since it would be cheaper. My says that just for today it’s fine if I drop my friend off at her house, and just that I leave my sister at home on our way there.

This friend is one of the first people who I told I was bi and she also told me and she’s probably the first Best Friend I’ve ever really had; we have nothing romantic between us or anything, we just Get each other without there ever being anything like that.

Meanwhile my sister was insulted she wasn’t the first person I told because that meant I didn’t trust her or care about her or something (and honestly for me it’s like that scene in love, Simon where he says that it’s harder to tell people you care about that you’re gay; you know they wouldn’t hate you but it’s still hard). So anyway when I told her I was bi we literally fought about how I didn’t tell her first and she even said that she didn’t need/want to know anymore. This was several months ago now, but since then she’s kind of indirectly trying to make comments about it or whatever to try and like make it normal? Maybe show she’s accepting? Honestly I don’t know why she’s doing it but I think it’s cause she’s trying to make an effort about showing she’s cool with it. I’ve also been trying to like include her into this part of my life? -Ish? So I try making subtle comments about it, showing her some memes and stuff but she turns it into this weird conversation asking about my gay friends, essentially implying that I’m dating one of them or something like that.

Now, for a while before she even knew, one of her “jokes” was that I was dating my best friend, and I always told her 1) no, and 2) it annoyed me that she kept doing it. She didn’t stop and even less when I came out to her.

So cut to tonight, she picks me up, I drop her off at home and then go to drop off my friend at her house. We run into my friend’s family when we arrived so I stayed talking to them a little bit but first I texted my family to let them know I would take a little longer. But it’s getting late and my mom doesn’t like that I drive that late at night in the city, so my sister texts me to tel me that mom’s getting a bit pissed off. That’s nice and I’m grateful for it but the way she texted is what pissed me off. She said:

mom’s getting mad

Stop kissing and come home lol

Just kidding

And it’s this little thing but I’ve told her it annoys me because the way she’s treated me since I’ve come out is like that thing that everyone talks about of “I know you’re gay and I also know this other gay person, you should date!!!” So honestly after her doing this so much I’m just real fuckingn pissed off at this cause she doesn’t get it. I’ve tried explaining to her, telling her that all she’s doing is making me feel awkward when I hang out with my friend, with one of he only people who I feel I can trust to tell stuff to and i now have to watch everything I say around my sister about this friend and even changing the way I act because I’m like maybe I am doing something weird? even though THERE IS NOTHING HAPPENING BETWEEN US. It’s like because I like girls I can never have just be friends with a girl anymore. Any friend that I meantion tjat is a girl she’s like “so do you like them?” I don’t know, do you have a crush on every single boy who’s you’re friend???????

So I come home and tell my mom what pissed me off before going to tell my sister so that my anger can go down a bit but I guess she heard us talking from her room and she came to see what we were saying. So I tell her that her text pissed me off but (like when I told her I was bi) she gets phased and takes it as an insult to her. She says that clearly I don’t get a joke and that obviously I don’t trust and that she guesses it’s better if we don’t talk ever again (her go to in every fight). And like, the thing she doesn’t get is that if she doesn’t fix this thing that I’ve told her makes me feel bad and annoyed then how can I trust to tell her real stuff??? How can I trust that she won’t turn it into a “joke”????

And the worst part is that I really want her to be a part of this, I want to tell her about a guy or girl that I like. That I find a certain actress got the same way she can tell me when she finds an actor hot. But every time the subject of my sexuality comes up it’s awkward and stunted and it’s a miracle if it doesn’t turn into a fight.

And I just... I just want her to GET it, to understand and to listen to what I’m telling her so that I can really be honest with her. That’s why I told her in the first place, so I could talk about it and it wouldn’t be a secret I had to keep from her. But now it’s not a secret but it is a thing that’s just looming over our relationship and honestly? I think it would have been better if I never told her.

#lgbt #bi #bisexual #it might be weirdly written but whatever #i jusy need tk vent #and apparently i cnat do that with my mom without my sister comig along and getting pissed off #soooo #tumblr it is #literally the only reason i decided to make a side blog #just to be able to feel like someone is listening #even though no ones goig to see it lol #im pretty sur ei dont even make much sense what i wrote #oh well #¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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tznara · 3 years

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HER DAIRY

CHAPTER ONE.

It seems life has began to have a meaning to me, normally , I will not be writing this but I felt the need for it today, carrying this burden alone is too much for me to bear. Someone else needs to see this. I know I cannot talk to anyone about this but writing it for it to be read is pretty preferable. Life itself does not let you know when it goes, I cannot take this pain with me, no!! So I am telling you about it. Can I trust you, can I confidently narrate something, just a side if my life that is gradually tearing me down on this dairy? I know I can, so this is the little story of my life.. My name is Benita Nara Nsan, an originator of Ikom local government in northern crossriver, I am the last of three beautiful kids, my life's journey and most of the challenges I am facing today,(I do not write this out of hate) was because I was raised by a single parent , who always tried to make ends meet and so was not always around.. Over time, I grew apart from the world, not wanting to let anyone in, to know how I felt not even a piece of paper, my eye lids were the only thing that knew how sad I had become, my bed, pillow remember how each night would be and they turned to my best friends, giving me all the comforts in the world , my ears also did but my mouth!!! This mouth never did... Until now!!

CHAPTER 2

I AM A L

Recently, I have began to get scared about each passing day, with the current rate of death and all, knowing fully well that whoever this person is will never be able to be seen again,

Have you lost anyone?

Do you miss them?

Are you depressed?

Well yes!! To all the questions .. yes I miss her, yes I get depressed, yes I cry alot and yes! I wish someone listens to my pleas, I wish someone will actually want to hear me narrate how I feel not because they are bored, I wish someone actually listens to me and never forgets what I say... If wishes were horses!!! ... How many more teens wish for someone they can talk to... How many more wish for someone that understands how they feel and not thinks they understand, how many more kids want to be able to tell their parents that they are a gay... How many more,just how many more?? No one listens, do they!!! 🙂

Chapter 3

Sad, is an understatement for me today

Nobody knows I am gay, not even myself. Maybe I do, but how am I sure when I have not even kissed a girl and liked it,? Yeah I love boyish things, then also I love girly things, I am not bi, because yesterday I took a Lesbianism/ bisexual/ staright test and I was declared gay. But how do I believe all this when I have not even experimented? Yes! I know just what to do, enough of the sorrowful writing, this time! I am writing about something interesting for once atleast. A new school year, a new me, I know I am only sixteen but the earlier I discover the better for me, so I will go take a shower, brush , dress up and go out to see what gate has for me...

...............................................

So I packed up my bags and got out of the house. I pinged my Friends, "Hi, Alex where are you guys, tried calling Anita but her number was not connecting", now you may wonder, who is Alex? Well Alex is my best friends brother, we have known each other since kindergarten, he was a senior. It sometimes bother me why he chose to hang out with me, an uncool nerd. Alex was a hot guy who every girl wanted. Maybe I also wanted him maybe not, with Alex I could feel that maybe I was bisexual, he was the only guy who made me feel the surge and adrenaline many girls feel around boys but I could never tell him, because he was my best friends brother and rule number twelve of our friends club was "Do not date your best friends relative" don't sfk me about rule number one, it was the most annoying......

Ping! My phone rang out, signifying I had a message

"By the beach"

"Oh! Okay, I will be right there"

After about five minutes later, I got a reply

"I do not think it will be cool, you won't feel comfortable, everyone's with a partner"

I stood there, at the beach seeing them happily running around half naked, but I was already here! Should I turn back and go...

"Hey!!! Jeeez Benita!!! What are you wearing! Alex stupid girlfriend laughed! Yes what was I wearing. Despite the fact that Christiana was a bitch, today she made sense, she asked a reasonable question. Ehet was I thinking coming out like this, dressed in pyjamas, even if I was going to find the love of my life, why would I do it this way....

"Baeee, Anita called me running towards my direction....

"I rolled my eyes and walked away from her"

"I did not tell you because I thought you won't want to come....

Well she had a point, on a good day I would not want to come but not when Asked was around but I could never let her know that...

"Atleast, you could have told me and allowed me to say No!! I did not even know you were here. Now you let nonentities talk to me anyhow. I says the last part looking at Christina..

Well" , that is why I always carry at least three suits" she bent down and opened her back giving me a swim suit, I chose black offcourse, my new favorite color

"Oooops I thought you would chose purple"

" I'm not longer a baby Annie, I'm trying out new stuffs.

"Okay! Okay now if you will excuse me, my boyfriend is waiting for me... With that she left. I took the suit to the back of a rock and changed, when I came out, I could feel the attention all on me, yeah! I had huge boobs, thick highs and ass, for a child of my age...

I sat down by the sand and minutes later, I was lying down watching them play.

"Hey!!! Why are Lying here all lonely and probably horny"

Philimon, one if the greatest perverts of all time approached me

I ignored him for awhile trying to make him go away.

But instead he placed his hands on my thigh, by now I was really irritated, how dare he this thighs were for Alex and Jasmine, O'boy , I never wanted to call her name it makes my heart skip beat.. back to reality, back to reality Benny..

I doranf up slapping his hands off me

...

"Dude, I'm not horny"

"But you look hot and somehow horny baby let me be your toy today " he said trying to caress my cheeks

I slapped him, it was a very good one and before he could react, as if on cue Alex came around pushing away

"She said she was not horny, let go

" Laters babe" he said winking at me while touching the cheeks I slapped and smiling.. now this was shy I hated boys except Alex offcourse...... He saved me, as usual, I saw Christina staring at us and I pretended to start crying which made him walk over and hug me, with a smirk I buried my face in his arms,as Christana started walking quickly to meet us, can someone. Just tell her it is just. Hug?? Oh I forgot, my boobs are touching his chest and when others hug him it is just their chest touching his chest... 😹

0 notes

deancasheadcanons · 7 years

Text

Trust Your Heart

[ao3]

Part 3 of the Never Trust a Skinny Baker ‘Verse [part 1] [part 2]

“We could go to Hawaii. I’ve never been to Hawaii.”

“None of the people in your life can afford that, Dean,” Kevin says without looking up from the blender.

“Well, technically he only needs a couple of witnesses,” Alex chimes in. “Sam and Eileen could definitely afford it.”

Dean idly crosses “Hawaii” off the napkin-based list in front of him. He always thought he’d be content enough to go down to the courthouse and sign some papers, but it turns out he actually does want to get married in front of friends and family. Even if the thought of it makes his insides turn to goo.

“Why don’t you just go to the courthouse? You know Cas doesn’t care,” Krissy shouts from the kitchen.

Dean looks over his shoulder warily and tries to think if there are any other instances of Krissy reading his mind. He’s suspicious of her for a lot of reasons, so he can go ahead and add that one to the list. “What are you talking about? Cas cares deeply about this.”

“Why don’t we take it to the tip jar gods?” Alex suggests. She squats down and opens the cabinets under the register. She comes back up with an armful of mason jars.

“No. Absolutely not,” Dean chastises as he pushes the top of her head to make her go back down to the cabinets. “I’m not letting anymore decisions about my personal life be controlled by the yahoos who come into this shop.”

A little old lady gives Dean a mean glare as she walks up to the counter.

“What can I do for you today, ma’am?” Dean asks with a smug grin.

“Did you just call me a ‘yahoo,’ young man?”

Alex ducks her head and snorts a laugh.

“I’ll tell you what, I’ll give you a free coffee if you promise not to mention it to my manager,” Dean replies with a wink.

“Well, I would like to speak to the manager,” Charlie says as she walks up to the counter and stands right beside the old woman. “If I don’t get a say in the owner’s wedding plans, then I’m suing.”

“What?” the old lady asks.

“Excuse me, ma’am, I’m already with a customer,” Dean says to Charlie.

“Yes, but! Would you please tell the baker and his deaf fiance that if they don’t have a big, fancy wedding that I’m going to sue them? You know the baker, right? Big Dean—he’s got green eyes, a face that makes even lesbians swoon, and a big, round, doughy bel—”

“Alright, alright. We’ll do tip jars. Fuck you, Charlie.”

The old lady is already halfway out the door.

“So I’m thinking a barn wedding. We can all wear flannel and ride horses,” Charlie says as she hands her credit card to Alex. “Oooh and cowboy hats! Dean, you’d look stellar in a cowboy hat.”

“Hard pass, but thanks for the suggestion.” He grabs a plate and opens the display case to get Charlie’s usual muffin.

“What? Big Dean passing on cowboy hats?” Henriksen interrupts as he also hands his card to Alex. “I thought you had a thing for cowboys.”

The girls burst out laughing, and even Kevin chuckles a bit. Dean glares at Henriksen.

“Can a guy like Old Westerns in peace?”

Sam comes through the kitchen door in the middle of tying an apron around his waist. “Sure, but a guy can’t have an Old Western fetish in peace.”

“It’s a healthy appreciation,” Dean mumbles petulantly.

"So barn wedding!” Charlie shouts. “We’re doing it, guys! We’re doing a barn wedding!” she announces to the whole shop.

Dean rolls his eyes as the customers clap and cheer.

“No, no, no, we gotta do this right,” Alex says as she once again squats down to get the tip jars.

Dean doesn’t stop her this time.

In the middle of the late afternoon rush, they write down each of the employee’s suggestions on their respective jars. Alex texts Claire for her suggestion (courthouse), and Kevin mulls things over for an hour before finally settling on “bakery.”

“Bakery? You want them to get married in a bakery,” Krissy says in a judgmental tone.

“This bakery. Dean basically lives here anyway,” Kevin justifies.

“Hm,” Dean says.

“Oh my god, you like that idea,” Alex accuses with a pointed finger at Dean.

Dean just shrugs. “Best one I’ve heard so far.”

“Um, hello? Barn!” Charlie shouts once again from her table in the corner.

“Butt out!” Dean yells back, but it’s too late. People are cheering again. “No peace in my own goddamn shop,” he mutters.

The door dings, and Dean glances up at it instinctively and spots Cas. Warmth fills his chest against his will as he watches Cas smile and sign to somebody next to him. It takes Dean a solid 10 seconds to notice who he’s talking to.

“Cassie?” Dean blurts out eloquently as Cas and Cassie make their way up to the counter.

Cassie squints at him, looks him up and down, opens her mouth, closes it. Finally her eyes widen and she exclaims, “Dean!”

“Didn’t recognize me under all this, huh?” He pats his belly self-consciously.

“No! I mean. I’m sorry.” She laughs and hangs her head. “I just wasn’t expecting to see you. I mean, Dean, it’s been…”

“A baker’s dozen years,” he finishes for her.

The rest of the shop has gone suspiciously quiet, but Dean ignores it. Alex is still taking orders, so it’s not like he’s holding the line up.

“Uh, what are you doing here?” he asks with a glance toward Cas.

Cassie turns to Cas as well and then back to Dean. “Oh. Um. This is Cas. Weird coincidence, I know.”

Before Dean can cut Cassie off to tell her he already knows Cas, Cas leans across the counter and kisses Dean squarely on the mouth. Dean winks at him when he pulls away.

“Um,” Cassie says.

“You work for the paper, Cassie?” Dean asks.

“I do,” she says with a nod. She pauses as if considering whether to give Dean information he probably already knows. “I was just talking to Cas about some freelance work he’s doing for us.”

“I didn’t know you know sign language.”

“Oh, um, I don’t. I mean, I took a couple classes in high school.” She huffs a tired laugh and tucks her hair behind her ear. “Actually, can you tell him that he’s signing too fast for me? I’m only getting about half of what he’s saying.”

Dean relays the message, and Cas turns to Cassie with an apologetic, embarrassed expression. After they clear things up a bit about what exactly Cassie missed of their conversation in the past hour, Cas finally asks Dean how he knows Cassie.

“We dated for a couple months when we were in our early 20s,” he signs quickly, hoping that Cassie won’t catch it.

Cas clenches his jaw. “How serious was it?”

“Not really the right time or place to discuss this. We can talk about it later.”

Cassie laughs nervously. “What am I missing?”

Dean flashes her a winning smile. “Nothing, sweetheart. Small world, you and Cas working together.”

“Yeah. Yeah, it is. Um, you’re obviously busy and Cas and I are—”

“Oh! You probably came here to actually order something. Sorry, what can I get you?”

Cassie stares at the display case as she answers, “Actually, um, Cas and I only need to go over a couple more things, so would it be possible if you could…?”

It takes Dean a second to figure out what she’s asking. “You want me to be the translator?”

Cassie smiles shyly at him. “Could you? I mean, you probably don’t have the time and—”

“I got it,” Sam says as he appears right next to Dean. “You go ahead, Dean. Crowd’s dying down anyway.”

Dean gives Sam a mean look, but Sam just grins and pats Dean’s shoulder until he walks away. Sam never met Cassie when she and Dean were dating, but Dean talked about her enough to drive Sam insane. Sue him, Sam was in college and Dean had to find something to talk about on the phone every week.

When the three of them sit down at Cas’ usual table together, Cas doesn’t seem too thrilled about Dean being there. It makes Dean feel nervous, or maybe just annoyed, that Cas apparently can’t deal with the idea of Dean dating people who aren’t him.

It only takes them about 30 minutes to get through Cas and Cassie’s meeting, but none of them make a move to leave when they’re done. Dean, for some reason, looks at Cassie expectantly and she takes the bait.

“I didn’t know you, um...how did you learn sign language, Dean?”

Dean doesn’t bother signing while he talks. Cas is suddenly engrossed in his tablet anyway. “My brother’s wife is deaf. Good thing, too, because I never would’ve landed this one otherwise.” He rubs Cas’ shoulder soothingly. Cas looks up at him, so Dean leans in for a quick kiss.

“So you’re, uh, you know…” Cassie says awkwardly.

“Um, no, I don’t know. What are you not asking me?”

“You know, like, you and Cas, uh…”

Dean bursts out laughing. “Oh shit, I was still in the closet when we dated, wasn’t I?”

“What? You were gay when we da—”

“I’m not gay. I’m bi. I exclusively dated chicks when you and I went out.”

“But you liked guys?”

He shrugs and nods.

She glances between him and Cas. “You’ve changed a lot.”

“I know, I’m a lot more handsome now. Thanks for noticing.” He bats his eyelashes for good measure.

Cas looks up from his tablet and asks Dean if he’s going back to work anytime soon.

“Alright, I see when I’m not welcome anymore.” Dean stands despite Cassie’s protests. “Cassie, feel free to leave Cas to his own devices. He probably won’t notice if you leave. I sometimes think he might be more blind than deaf.”

Cassie gives him a judgmental look, which Dean ignores. As he’s giving her a hug, Charlie’s voice carries across the store.

“Bakery wedding? Bakery wedding is in the lead? Guys, I thought we all decided on a barn wedding!”

Dean lets go of Cassie and glares at Charlie.

“Oh god, I’ll get out of your hair so you can...deal with that customer,” Cassie says.

“What? Oh. That’s just Charlie. She’s, uh, really invested in my personal life.”

Benny randomly comes up to Dean then and slaps him on the shoulder. “I’m rooting for barn wedding, brother. You and Cas set a date yet?”

“What?” Cassie interrupts.

“Um, Benny, will you excuse me?” Dean asks pointedly.

Benny gets the hint and backs away with his hands raised like he’s in trouble. Cas looks up from his tablet and stares between Dean and Cassie.

“Benny’s really invested in my personal life, too. Everyone in this stupid shop is invested in my personal life.”

“You and Cas are getting married?” Cassie asks with an edge to her tone.

Dean scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah. Trying to, at least.”

“Wow, you’ve really changed a lot.”

“Cassie, I was 22 when you and I—”

“No, I get it. You weren’t ready to settle down.” Her eyes deliberately move down to his gut. “Now you’re all content and living a comfortable life, so I get it. Timing.”

He plants his hands on his hips. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but you broke up with me.”

“Yeah, because you were dragging your feet.” In a voice more sad than angry, she says, “You told me you never wanted to get married.”

Dean looks at Cas and then back to Cassie, concern lining his features. “That was a long time ago, Cassie. You’re not still upset with me, are you?”

Cas stands and puts a hand on Dean’s lower back.

Cassie deflates a little. “No, I’m not upset. That would be—ridiculous. It was just surprising to see you here, that’s all.” She gets up from the table and looks toward the door. “I’m gonna head out. Um, congratulations. Seriously, I’m happy for you guys. I’m just…” She rolls her eyes. “You know, 35 and single. At some point, you start to wonder if you’re the problem. I’ll see you later, Dean.”

She leaves before Dean can think of something else to say. He watches her go until he feels Cas’ eyes on him.

“What was that about?” Cas asks warily.

“I think she’s kind of upset about us getting married. She broke up with me because I wasn’t serious about our relationship and told her I never wanted to get married.”

“You should apologize to her,” Cas responds.

Dean blinks in shock. “It was a really long time ago. And besides, aren’t you supposed to be jealous?”

“I’ll always feel jealous that there are others out there that have been with you, but there’s nothing I can do about that, is there? But you can do something about Cassie feeling hurt. She obviously never got closure from you, and now you’ve been given the opportunity to provide it.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“You told her you never wanted to get married, and now here you are, getting married,” Cas signs slowly as if trying to get it through Dean’s thick head.

“People change their minds! I’m not allowed to change my mind?”

“Just apologize to her, Dean.”

Dean starts to protest, but Cas takes a seat and turns his attention back to the tablet. Cas only pulls out the “if I don’t look at you then I can’t listen to you” card when Dean is being particularly unreasonable, so Dean takes the hint and heads back to work.

Maybe they should just get married at the fucking courthouse and not tell anybody at all.

A couple days later, Cas asks Dean to leave work early so they can spend some time together. The request is a little bit weird, especially since they now live together and see each other all the time and sleep in the same bed together every night. But Sam insists that the shop won’t burn down without him, so Dean heads out around 6.

Cas is chopping up vegetables and throwing them into a bowl when Dean arrives, so he doesn’t notice his presence until Dean presses up behind him and boxes him in against the counter.

Cas immediately pushes his butt back to get Dean away from him. He then turns around and signs, “Can you put the burgers on the grill?”

Dean rolls his eyes and gives him a quick kiss. “Yeah, I can make the burgers. I also brought pie home for dessert.”

Cas’ face lights up at that. He then turns back to the vegetables.

It’s become habit for Dean to bring home treats from the shop, even though it’s also become habit for Cas to stop into the shop most days to get something to eat. Cas’ ass has been filling out his jeans a little better lately, and his stomach has rounded out in front of him just a bit. Dean loves it. He loves knowing that his baking put that extra weight there, that the amount that Dean spoils Cas is evidenced in his waistline.

There are a few quiet minutes where everything is on the grill or in the oven cooking, so they stand in the kitchen together to talk.

“I realized that I don’t know a whole lot about your past,” Cas starts.

Dean clears his throat but doesn’t bother to talk as he signs. “I can’t believe you enticed me with burgers and leaving work early so that you could trap me here to talk about myself.”

Cas smiles shyly. “You hate talking about yourself. That’s why I had to trick you.”

“I’m not giving you any pie.”

“That’s fine. Eating less means taking less time to eat, which means more time for talking.”

Dean crosses his arms over his chest and squints at Cas. He’s going to eat as slowly as possible tonight, and he’s going to use both hands the entire time.

Except the food is so damn good that he doesn’t take his time at all. He inhales it as if he hasn’t had a proper meal in a week because he hasn’t. Working all day every day means a lot of takeout and a lot of missed meals.

After his second burger, Dean leans back in his seat and puts a hand on his full belly. He presses his fingers hard into the taut skin to try to make some room as Cas goes back into the kitchen to cut the pie. There’s a bite of Cas’ burger left on his plate, so Dean leans forward and grabs it. He chews slowly and keeps a hand on his stomach.

Cas comes back with two plates with not just giant slices of pie but vanilla ice cream as well. As he sets Dean’s down in front of him, Dean signs, “This is going to postpone our conversation even more.”

Cas shrugs and digs into his pie.

They don’t move from the table when they’re done. Cas looks across at Dean expectantly but doesn’t raise his hands to sign. He hiccups a couple of times.

“Eat too much?” Dean asks.

“Yes. How did you and Cassie meet?”

Dean blinks and rubs his stomach while he thinks. “I traveled for work back then. She lived a couple hours from here, and I did a job for her mom while she was living with her. I was a one-night-stand kind of guy, but Cassie sort of changed that for a little bit. I really liked her.”

“What were you doing for work? I had no idea you were anything other than a baker your entire life.”

Dean laughs. “Pest control. I did odd jobs for a while until I decided to go to school to become a pastry chef. After my dad died, I was kind of free to do whatever I wanted. He probably rolled over in his grave the day I decided to be a baker.”

“What did he want you to do?”

“Go into the family business. But the family business was a dying hardware store in Lawrence, and I didn’t have the passion to try to revive it.”

“This is the first time you’ve ever mentioned your dad,” Cas signs, a serious set to his brow.

“Yeah, well, I don’t like talking about him.” Dean shrugs and then continues signing. “I wouldn’t be a baker or out of the closet or even fat if he was still alive, so I think we’re all better off without him.”

Cas smiles softly at Dean but then his face falls. “Am I the first man you’ve dated?”

“No? Maybe. I don’t really date people in general. Or at least, I didn’t date people before you. Cassie and Lisa were the only serious relationships I ever had before this.”

“You’ve mentioned Lisa.”

Dean sighs and slaps a hand to his gut once more. Nervous habit, he supposes. “Can we go to the living room? My ass is in need of a couch.”

It takes Cas a second to get to his feet, his hand pressed to his stomach as well. Dean laughs and pinches his love handle as they walk into the living room together.

Once they’re seated, Dean signs, “You’ll end up as big as me if you’re not careful.”

“Maybe if my fiance would stop bringing home pie, I wouldn’t have to worry about it.”

Dean can’t help himself. He pinches Cas’ side again. “It suits you. People would be suspicious if you were dating a baker and didn’t put on weight.”

“We were talking about Lisa,” Cas redirects with a roll of his eyes.

“It was right after Cassie. We were together for six months. I asked her to move in with me, and she said no.”

“Why?”

“Lisa had a kid. He was a baby at the time, and she didn’t want to drag me into fatherhood. She knew it was too much for me, even if I couldn’t recognize it myself.” He laughs affectionately at the memory of that conversation. “She said I was trying to replace Sam. I hadn't seen him in a while, and I felt like he didn’t need me anymore. It took a couple years for me to admit to myself that she was right.”

“She sounds like a smart woman.”

“Yeah, I was lucky. She was way more mature than I was, and I’m glad she knew what I needed better than I knew. Even if it was hard on both of us.”

Dean drops his hands and looks at the coffee table. After a few seconds, Cas scoots closer to him, rubs his shoulders and kisses his temple slowly. Dean closes his eyes and grabs Cas’ arm to ground himself.

When they get back to talking, Cas asks, "Why were you so willing to commit to Lisa after not wanting to commit to Cassie?"

"Ben," Dean responds easily. "I'm much better at committing to familial relationships than..." He pauses his hands and then admits, "Romantic ones."

And Cas, easy as ever, smiles at Dean and runs a hand through his hair, right behind his ear.

It overwhelms Dean, sometimes, that Cas seems to understand and accept him just the way he is with no questions asked. When he expects to be judged and misunderstood, he receives a smile and affection instead. It makes him wonder how Cas is so good at this whole relationship thing.

So he asks him if he’s had any serious relationships.

Cas answers that before Dean, he hadn’t dated anybody in almost a decade.

Dean makes a noise of surprise, which Castiel doesn’t notice. Dean quickly signs that that’s insane and he doesn’t believe it’s possible that someone as handsome as Cas could’ve been on the market for so long.

With a shy smile, Cas replies, “Thank you, Dean, but I didn’t really go out of my way to date. I was focused on my career and my goal of becoming a foster parent. Plus, I’m deaf. I couldn’t just meet someone in a coffee shop.” He raises his eyebrows knowingly at Dean.

Dean grins widely back at him. “How stoked were you when you came into my shop and realized that this devastatingly handsome guy could speak your language?”

Cas ducks his head and blushes.

Dean chucks under his chin to get him to look up and then signs, “I’m right, aren’t I?”

Cas kisses the smile off his face.

The kiss deepens, so Dean grabs Cas by the hips and hauls him into his lap. Cas runs his hands up Dean’s belly, pinches a nipple, then wraps both arms around his neck to get closer.

After a moment, Dean pulls back and signs, “I think we should get married in the shop.”

**************************************

“You sure you want to get married in this shop?” Cassie asks skeptically before taking a sip of her coffee.

“Well, the tip jar gods have spoken."

Cassie just looks at him, unamused.

"I don’t really wanna make a big deal out of it.” Dean watches Claire and Alex walk through the front door and head toward the back. They give him a quick wave, and he smiles and nods his head. “A wedding, I mean,” he continues. “Cas and I...we have a, uh, good relationship. But it’s not—it ain’t big and romantic or anything like that. We got together in this shop, so it makes sense that we’d get married in this shop.”

The truth is that if he could use one word to describe his relationship with Cas, he’d call it quiet. Not because Castiel doesn’t talk, but because their love itself is quiet and undramatic. But god, he wouldn’t be caught dead saying that out loud.

“Dean?” Cassie asks.

“Hmm?”

“You didn’t hear anything I just said, did you?”

Dean scrubs a hand down his face and laughs. “No, sorry. What’d you say?”

“I was just asking you if Cas minds. If he minds that you’re not...super romantic?”

Cassie sounds so scared of offending Dean that he can’t help but bark out a loud laugh.

“I’m fucking sorry, Cassie."

“What?”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t, uh, be with you in the capacity that you wanted. That I couldn’t commit.”

She holds her mug between her hands and rubs her thumbs nervously along the ceramic. “I, um, thought about it a lot after that day I saw you two. And, you know, thank you—for apologizing, thank you. But you’re already forgiven.” She takes a drink. “I saw how you and Castiel are. His love for you is easy, like breathing. I don’t even think he’d notice or care if you didn’t love him the same. God, that sounds bad when I say it like that, but—”

“No, I know what you mean.” Dean ducks his head as he feels a blush creeping up his neck. “It is easy. I never have to, uh, do anything to prove that I love him. Not that I felt that way with you, but…”

“You’ve felt that way in every relationship.”

Dean nods, still embarrassed.

“What are you thinking about?” Cassie asks after too much silence has passed between them.

“I, um—no, it’s nothing.”

“Dean.”

“Well, I just...You’re so good with words and I always loved reading your articles, so I was just wondering if I could, you know, steal some of what you just said for my vows?"

Cassie leans back in her seat and laughs. “Yes, Dean, you big sap.”

“Well, I, uh, should get back to it,” Dean says, pointing toward the counter.

“Hey.”

“Yeah, Cassie?”

“I’m happy for you. You’re not easy to love, so I’m glad you found somebody who thinks you are.”

“You know what, I’m gonna ignore the insult in that and take it as a compliment. Thank you,” he replies as he stands and flips her the bird.

Cassie just laughs and thanks him for the free coffee.

As Dean is making his way back to the kitchen, Sam smiles at him from behind the counter.

“What?” Dean asks, annoyed.

“Nothing. You guys are just cute.”

“My ex and I are cute.”

Sam shrugs. “Yeah. But, like, the way you are with Charlie. You’ve just grown up a lot, is all.”

“Alright, well. Whatever.”

“Hey, don’t forget you have to—”

“Leave early to pick up my tux. I got it, Sammy.” Dean finishes with a thumbs up and then goes into the kitchen.

He’s not nervous about marrying Castiel. They’ve been planning for the last month or so, and Dean hasn’t freaked out even once. Cas actually had a minor meltdown over the fact that he doesn’t have any family members attending and isn’t close enough to any of his friends to ask them to be his best man.

Claire oversaw the conversation and stepped in with a goofy smile, proclaiming, “Best man here!” without signing it.

Dean had laughed while Castiel looked between the two of them, annoyed. When Claire signed for him that she’d happily give him away, Cas’ entire demeanor had relaxed before he wrapped her in a tight hug.

They had one fight. Dean had assumed they didn’t need to even hold a conversation about the cake—Cas was marrying a fucking baker, after all. But then Castiel brought it up one night while they were lazily making out in bed, and Dean had laughed and asked him if he was joking.

“Why would I be joking? It’s important we have a cake at our wedding, we should discuss who’s going to make it. It takes weeks to—”

Dean had gently pressed the tips of his fingers to Cas’ wrist to get him to stop talking. He then signed, “You don’t want me to make the cake?”

“Why would you make the cake when you’re the one getting married? I don’t want you to have to deal with that responsibility on the day of our wedding.”

“I wouldn’t make it on the day of our wedding, silly. Trust me, I’d feel a lot better making it myself than trusting some other company to do it.”

“I just don’t want to put that stress on you.”

“Are you telling me you don’t like my cakes, Cas?”

Cas had slept on the couch that night, even though they were in his house. Claire had gotten a good laugh about it in the morning.

And the next day, Cas had apologized and told Dean that of course he should make the cake.

Some things with Cas are easy, like deciding that there would be absolutely no flowers at their wedding, and some things are hard, like Cas getting mad at Dean for trying to lose weight to look better in his tux.

(He hasn't lost any weight, and he'll find out today how he looks in his tux.)

As Dean is rolling dough to make croissants, he hears the back door open and then Cas’ hand curls its way around his shoulder. Dean turns his head and smiles at him before pressing their lips together softly. He then turns his attention back to the dough.

Cas’ hand slides down to Dean’s hip, his thumb pressing hard circles against his apron as he stands next to Dean and watches him work.

It takes Dean about five more minutes to get everything into the oven, and by that time Castiel is standing behind him with his arms locked onto his hips and his lips pressing insistently to his neck.

A spatula and some pot holders fall to the floor as Dean lets go of his last bit of self-control and turns around in Cas’ arms, yanking him closer and sealing their mouths together in a slow kiss. Castiel immediately pushes his tongue between Dean’s lips, so Dean grabs his ass and pushes their groins together.

Cas is hard, which is rare, so Dean takes advantage of it and rubs the palm of his hand over the front of his jeans. Cas gasps and tilts his head back, and Dean nips at his neck.

They still don’t really have an active sex life, but every once in a while Cas magically gets in the mood and pushes into Dean all gentle and slow and then moans way louder than necessary right into his ear.

The first time it happened, Dean was so relieved that he actually shed honest to god tears afterward. Cas, of course, panicked and sloppily signed if Dean was alright and if he did anything wrong and if he was hurt—

“No, baby, calm down. I was just worried we’d never do that.”

Cas had frowned at him and taken a long time to think before answering. His hand movements were sharp and unsure as he signed. “We've talked about this, Dean. I told you I don't really like sex. Sometimes I might be in the mood and then it's possible for me to enjoy it, but for the most part I just don't think about it or prefer it. But I’m sorry I rarely ever want to have sex. We can have sex regularly if you’d like. We can schedule it. That way I’ll be prepared for it and I’ll get used to it.”

Dean had laughed and covered his face with his hand. He then signed, “It’s OK. I was just really starting to think something was wrong with me, but now I know for sure that you’re just a little weird.”

“Thank you," Cas answered sarcastically. "It's nice to know that the love of my life thinks I'm weird."

"Love of your life? Can we maybe tone it down some?"

Cas shook his head no.

Dean ran his knuckles over Cas' cheek before signing, "I don't think you're weird. Plenty of people don't like sex. I haven't met any of them, but I'm sure they're out there."

Cas rolled his eyes and slapped at Dean's hands as his way of saying "shut up."

With a laugh, Dean had curled up next to him and buried his face in the crook of his neck. He squeezed his growing love handle then moved his hand up to his chest and drew an X over his heart.

Cas had sighed and pulled him closer.

Now, back in the kitchen, Castiel lets out an obscenely loud groan and Dean has to press his hand over his mouth. Dean is shaking with laughter, so he loses his rhythm over Cas’ groin, but it’s too late anyway. The door opens, and Dean jumps away from Cas innocently.

“Dean. Tux,” Sam says from the doorway, one hand covering his eyes.

“Right. Yeah.” He clears his throat awkwardly and takes Cas’ hand. “We’re going.”

Cas is laughing by the time they get out back to Dean’s car. Dean frowns at him before shoving him against the driver’s side and kissing his neck. Cas is still laughing as he wraps his arms around Dean’s back and slides them down to his ass.

After a minute or two, Dean pulls away so he can say, “It went well with Cassie today.”

Castiel smiles his soft, barely there smile and replies, “Do you feel better?”

“I do, yeah. She helped me figure out some things about our relationship, which was surprising."

“Good, I’m glad you’re figuring things out three weeks before you marry me.”

Dean punches him lightly in the shoulder and kisses him again. “I knew I wanted to marry you a long time ago, asshole. That part wasn’t hard to figure out.”

**************************************

At 3:47 p.m. on the day of Dean and Cas’ wedding, Sam bursts into the kitchen of the bakery and says, “We’ve got a problem.”

“Yeah, I know. I can’t tie this stupid bow tie,” Dean says from where he’s standing in front of the sink mirror futzing with his tie.

“No, Dean. A real problem.”

Dean turns in exasperation and gestures for his brother to get on with it.

“Every customer we’ve ever had in this place is at the door.”

Cas bursts through the door then, too, and signs, “We’re going to break fire code if we let all of these people in.”

“They won’t all fit anyway,” Sam replies. “We need to figure something else out.”

Dean scrubs a hand down his face and signs, “Cas, we’re not supposed to see each other.”

Cas makes an annoyed face at him. “As if you care about wedding traditions.”

“Dean!” Sam shouts. He takes a deep breath and signs, “We can’t just turn all these people away, all of them are loyal customers.”

Dean plants his hands on his hips and looks down in thought. “Give me some time to think, Sammy. Take Cas with you.”

“Dean, the ceremony starts in 12—”

“Five minutes!” Dean yells.

After they leave, Dean relaxes and closes his eyes. He then finally ties his bow tie on straight.

Five minutes later, Charlie, Alex and Kevin herd everyone out into the street and direct helpers to move the chairs outside. Because Jody is too busy to do it, Donna calls up some friends at the police force and by 3:58 p.m. the entire street has been shut down with cops manning both ends. The boutique on the other side of the street is the only business open this late on a Saturday, but Dean is friends with the owner, Tessa, so she had already closed her shop for the wedding anyway. Dean’s never felt so grateful for small town life.

At 4:07 p.m., Dean and Cas walk hand-in-hand down the middle of the street while their friends and random customers stand on either side and watch. When they get up to the makeshift alter (a music stand with a Bible on it and a small rug for them to stand on), Jody tells everyone to have a seat and thanks them all for coming even though they obviously didn’t RSVP.

Claire is standing on Cas’ side wearing a long, flowy red dress while Sam is on Dean’s side in a plain black tux just like Dean and Cas'. Eileen is standing next to Jody signing everything she says.

Dean barely hears any of it, and he definitely doesn’t see any of it either. He’s looking at Cas and swinging their hands between them and is just barely stopping himself from bouncing on his feet.

They sign their vows. The crowd seems a little miffed at the lack of translation, especially when Castiel tells Dean that loving him is the easiest thing he’s ever done and the people who understand sign language “aww” like a bunch of saps. Dean knows that actually speaking his vows would've cheapened the moment. He would've been so caught up in feeling embarrassed and vulnerable in front of all these people that it wouldn't have felt like it was about Castiel at all.

After they exchange rings, and right before they kiss, Dean puts a hand on Cas’ chest and then uses his index finger to draw an X right over his heart.

Cas grabs his hand, laces their fingers together and pulls him in for a kiss.

**************************************

"Oh my god, hurry up."

"Claire," Dean chastises. He waits for her to look at him before he continues, "Give him some space."

Claire takes the smallest of steps back and flashes a fake smile at Dean.

"OK! All done," Sam declares as he straightens up and hands the pen to Dean. He doesn't seem to notice that he almost smacked right into Claire when he stood up.

Dean looks at the document and nods at Sam and Eileen's signatures. He then turns toward Cas and signs, "We're officially married. Licensed and everything."

Castiel gives the sign for "OK," then he looks very seriously over at the guest in the room.

"OK, and now the more important one," Billie says as she pulls out a large folder full of papers and sets it directly on top of the marriage license. "You know the drill, I only need one more signature from each of you. Semantics."

Dean hands a pen to Cas and points at the paper where he's supposed to sign. Once they've both signed it, Claire claps her hands together and exclaims, "Fuck yeah."

"Hey, watch your language, young lady," Dean says with a smile. "Don't talk like that in front of your fathers."

"I turn 18 in two days, you can't control me." Claire flips Dean the bird with both hands and moves them up and down in rhythm.

Cas taps Dean's shoulder and then signs, "Why is our daughter flipping you off?"

Dean winks at him. "She's just excited."

"I can't believe we pulled this off," Claire says. "Making sure you guys got married before adopting me. I mean, holy shit, I turn 18 in two days."

Dean puts his arm around Cas and kisses his temple. He then says, "Well, yeah, it's a shotgun wedding."

#ntasb #my fics #chubby dean #chubby cas #aro dean #ace cas #[realizes this fic is guilty of a trope i hate]#[too late to fix it]#[the trope is when a man dates women and it sucks and then he dates a man and it's the best thing ever]#[i did not. mean to do that.]#tf #my aus

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