#sometimes things arent that deep...sad

[nightowlfury]

honestly if i want to be realistic about my shows its probably in my best interests to assume theres at least 30% less thought put into it than i think there is

[passionfruitmango]

Kinda silly how down I feel about someone I never met in person deleting me as a friend online

Like I don't have many folks who loved homestuck on main and I just lost one in the past two weeks???

It's almost like people won't stay your friend if you don't actively interact with them :(

Oof

[inbabylontheywept]

protip you can pasteurise eggs with a sous vide while maintaining the “raw” texture

i want you to know that i am happy that you read my story, and that we share an egg bond, and thats a beautiful thing. but also there is something fundamentally wrong about your understanding of human nature. i was not rationally weighing my pros and cons there. i almost never do. sometimes, im on a cliff by a river, and i look down and go, hm. that. that could be a fun jump. but im not sure if its quite deep enough.

and then i jump anyway.

people read the warning labels on cigarettes and smoke. people look themselves in the mirror, say i am out of control, and take another shot. people vote against their own interests. BASE jumping exists. a few months ago i was walking down the street, and i saw a dog looking sad, and i commented on it and the guy walking next to me told me i was wrong and and idiot and that the dog was perfect. then he grabbed a bunch of leaves off a nearby tree, stuffed them into his mouth and kept walking.

it wasnt even his dog.

me, the dog guy, the smoker - we arent dumb. we're crazy. but we know that about ourselves. the thing thats the most baffling to me is that you don't know how crazy you look, grabbing the egg-guzzling vomit-comet and going come on man. be reasonable.

i cant. i can promise to not eat raw eggs again, but the problem isnt the eggs. the problem is that i am a lizard pretending to be a monkey pretending to be a person. but sometimes. i stop pretending.

...don't you?

[barbatusart]

found the one poem ive ever written & that i read aloud at an open mic night one time prepandemic. for posterity here it is, i wrote it in 2018 & it's called Places I've Pissed & it fuckin sucks LOL

Places I've Pissed

when i was a young kid in queens the gurgling nightmare sounds of my house's toilet used to scare the shit out of me which i guess was kind of the point

i didnt turn into a secret pisser or anything i sucked it up and eventually used the thing though i used to hold my business out of spite sometimes and, looking back, maybe a little toilet fear

my ma used to sit me down on it and plead that i go no bitch

anyway heres other places ive pissed

once i got tricked into a sober camping larp by an ex and i dont know if there are worse experiences in life than being in the middle of the woods in new jersey painted full green and doing it dead sober i waddled out into some bushes behind our tents in new jersey and squatted and mostly prayed a tick wouldnt find my huge white ass in the dark im pretty sure it splattered all over my boots i payed $2 for them at goodwill so no big loss

that same ex asked me once in the heat of a moment if i would piss on their floor no bitch

once with a different ex but also in the middle of the night in the new jersey woods just off the i95 i was about to burst so i jumped out of his car and asked him to hold my arms while i leaned backwards and stuck said huge white ass out in the direction of the woods the boots i had on that night were way more expensive so i didnt wanna risk it

if jason voorhees was out in those new jersey woods skulking around and saw this sight i genuinely apologize

recently i pissed at a fetish club id attended with a different ex the piss wasnt on her the hygiene logistics wouldve been a nightmare

it was way underground in the basement of an apartment building i did my thing noticing that the whole place had the scent of rubber, and sweat, and that needling ammonia signature, the one that twines down deep into your sinuses, of ancient cat urine i started wondering where the fuck the cat was in all this fetish mess and if some people in the middle of a scene were going to look up and spot the cat stretching out on top of their pile of opened condom wrappers (magnum) (for their magnum silicone dongs)

whose cat was this

was the cat from the apartment building above

about the party, did the landlord know about this

these days the pissing mostly happens at my apartment or at work where i actually have to handle piss all day as part of my job the piss is in a range of colors from crystal clearwaters to neon AZO oranges sometimes samples are blood red but most of the time it's this dehydrated sad brown

the people of new york city arent too concerned about drinking our amazing new york city tap water or about the health of their kidneys

if you have blood in your piss please go to your doctor tomorrow

honestly i used to piss a lot in the shower but ive been asked to stop

(no bitch)

[madness-combat-confessions]

Okay idk if this is the most Obvious shit and im just slow or if theres been an ask about this or something but we need to talk about cloning and the AAHW more imo!!

If the thing about sanf and dei being previous members (and i think doc being confirmed?) then that begs many questions. Jeb and tricky were also members and we know their lore as past scientists for nexus and then jeb was "hired" by auditor and tricky too probably but we dont have a direct confirmation afaik but everyone else is just? Vauge?

Like either A) AAHW has people working for it that are not clones like the mass agents and soldats and engineers and they are never mentioned (which would be stupid imo considering how far we are into the story) or B) they are all clones that dissented which for deimos is yk not far fetched considering his poster outright stating it

BUT THEN THAT BEGS THE ISSUE ON HAND. Everyone that ive seen online considers the agents as personality-less fucking creatures and i think even canon says smt like that about them but like.. if a clone can dissent then they probably Arent as bland as they seem. And even that isnt far fetched, i mean they hold birthdays apparently and play games to pass time. How deep does it go? How much will do they have? They seem to be conditioned to never run when Hank aka (almost) certain death is around which is one thing but are they scared of death? Do they have favorite foods and colors? How human (or in this case grunt) are they? Is it just Some of them that have self awareness/personality? Are they coded to have a personality? If yes is it random or set? Would the AAHW bother to code a random persona generator?? Do they perhaps lose more of their indaviduality/humanity as they progress up on the food chain to be soldats or engineers??

Idk i keep seeing agents n shit in fics and stuff be shown as these sometimes mechanical creatures with 0 varying personality and 0 humanity and it makes me heavily wonder about them. Maybe theyre just a bit dumber than average due to being mass cloned? Shrug. I dont know i think theyre more interesting when considered to be actual people than just. Puppets. They are metaphorical and sorta physical puppets yeah but like they held a birthday man. Fuck. They had a birthday.

Agents keep me up at night.

-anon MMS if i can claim that cuz its funny /opt!!

Glad to know that I'm not the only one who also thinks about the AAHW!

I personally think/headcanon that basically everyone in the AAHW is a clone because anyone that could had been an actual real person is dead (lol). And idk how to explain it but from what I've read they lack S-3LFS, but they still are kinda like people? Like they might just appear like mindless clones who only wanna kill Hank, and they are that don't get me wrong, but I think they also still act like people to some extent (or at least some of them)

I mean one of the agents in MC 9.2 had been writing "We are abandoned " on a wall so to me that says they're capable of understanding their situation and feeling sad (?) about it?

Now I'm not sure on the engineers and the soldats, I mean a soldat literally blew a rocket where their team was because they thought their boss had told them to. Which makes me think two things

1: The AAHW is a bit too blindly devoted to the Auditor. Which is probably because they are clones that were made/'programmed' to be that way.

2: I think that the soldats and the engineers have less "free will" than the agents because of the ATP

There's also something else I wanna talk about

This:

Like hello? What the fuck did this guy do?

From my understanding what is considered a dissenter in this series is someone who goes against the Auditor and the agency. So what did this guy even do? Did he try to betray them like Deimos and Doc did?

Or was it perhaps something minor like not doing their job? Like actually make a decision for their own and don't do what the Auditor says for once, like how an actual person would do?

I wanna say that's a stupid reason to kill one if their agents, but it's a possibility: the Auditor is shown to not really take it kindly when people don't do their job, she literally sliced a grunt in half for it. Even though all the grunt did was play cards with some other agents.

I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case this guy was damned a "dissenter" and killed by the Auditor (or maybe the other members) for that reason.

So taken to account that they are soulless clones but can still 1: celebrate birthdays 2: play games to pass time 3: dislike their shitty ass situation I'd say that they have some personality, it's just that the Auditor is too strict to allow them to show/act like it. Because she doesn't want people with free will in the agency he wants mindless clones who'd do whatever she says.

Does this make sense I swear it does in my head I'm just bad at putting it to words.

[ecklekecle]

hello. i would like to talk about this song:

specifically the (marauders) character ive associated to this song specifically specifically, the part that go like “you were kind i was cruel…etc etc + the chorus(?). i just need to get these thoughts out of my head before i go crazy (praying this post even makes a miniscule amount of sense). anyways, i hope you guys see the vision and i'm not just crazy: "you were kind, i was cruel, in another life, maybe i was you" - This part is very Black brothers core i fear. Specifically Regulus to Sirius. Like "IN ANOTHER LIFE, MAYBE I WAS YOU" HELLO?? wdym in aother life muabe i was you STOP. It's giving regulus's last thoughts were sirius. maybe when theyre relationship was still good. and they were both good. - i can also see this being Sirius to James. Like, deep down, he knows whatever the noble and most ancient family of black has taught him will always stick with him. No matter how gryffindor he is, or much he hangs out with james, sometimes he still finds himself looking down on muggleborns, or half-bloods. He wishes he was born into james' family - Peter to James. I dont rlly have an explanation for this one. I just see it. I've seen some people hc peter of being jealous of james, so i think that could work - EVAN TO PANDORA. I'll be honest, sibling angst will always hurt me the most. see now this one, i think connects to my own hc for them (from a previous post i made about them +felix), to summarise it: Evan is forced to join the DE and pandora is unaware of this, which leads to distance and because war is war, Evan has done some things he is not proud of. Then cue this bit of the song as he is dying. - Petunia to Lily. just to add more siblings into this, I'll be honest I dont know too much about the evans sisters. But through some deepdives, i think this definitely applies to them too. Like, after lily gets accepted into Hogwarts, theyre relationship is strained. Petunia does not like the fact that she was not as "special" as lily, thus becoming the way she is. The fact that lily doesn't stop loving her sister, even with the way she was being treated is something Petunia knows she could never do. Petunia probably does fantasize being the one with the magic, and not lily. - just a thought but Walburga to Sirius? this is very much inspired by @/themoonspoke on tiktok. I love their tiktoks sm and they bring sm more character into walburga beyond just being an abusive crazy parent. Just the idea that Walburga and Sirius being more similar than they both realise literlly tears my heart apart. I can definitely see Walburga trying to escape when she was younger, only to fail and forced to marry Orion and produce an heir. THEN having to watch her first child, literally the light of her life (i do also hc Sirius being her favourite child (i might make a post about that tbh)) try to escape not just the black family but HER abuse ldkjfsd crazy. then when he does escape and realises he's never coming back. Her baby, the only person she ever loved with her whole heart will never come back, leaving because he hater her. stop it.

"i grew up into something good, somebody who could swallow love" - Wlaburgaa and Sirius are just so angsty. no further explaination needed i think - REGULUS TO SIRIUS always. Theyre all jsut so sad arent they? Regulus dying trying to prove to sirius that deep down he is still good. OR allternatively, he lives and like tries to move on from everything, evenn sirius sfksd i had a thought but it's gone.

"i bet you grew up eating at the table, fed love from silver spoons, reasons to be grateful" - the only thought i had here was Snape to James. And i think you might be able to see where i'm coming from. James grew up in a wealthy home, with two loving parents. Snape did not have that. he had paretns who would fight, he was not wealthy. Now when he met lily, i feel like he thought he had finally found someone who liked him. I feel the rest is self explanitory - why did james, who could have anything, he was popular, wealthy and was loved. why did he have to have the one person Snape had? (disclaimer im definitely not a huge fan of snape this is definitly very ooc lol)

skipping ahead a few lines

"we're the product of love we did not recieve, i'll corrupt every branch of this family tree" - i think we all know.. (yes, it is the black family.)

Lowkey this post is giving those like, yk those zodiac things that have the prompt and then the zodiacs that relate to the prompt lmao😭

[themessengervevo]

Hi, this isn't my usual art post or occasional reblog, but this has been bugging me for an amount of time now and I can't help myself but to share this.

So as of recent with the whole Palestine vs Israel ordeal I noticed quite a lot of reblogs and asks of palestinian and (gazaian? gazan? idk) people wanting support due to the whole thing, and before i decided to deep dive into this I thought not much of it, "they need some help right now, and that's fine", though I implore a no advertising policy for my online presence so I can't help with that.

I recently got an inbox message while I posted my recent art piece on here archive, which is a little weird for me but it happens sometimes. It's from one of those accounts claiming to be from Gaza, and it's written pretty sad and all, but the thing that made it weird is the timing of this ask being sent out. It was sent about two days after another one of these. The scratched out part of the screenshot below is a gofundme link.

Now of course I'm a little bit of a skeptic, and I also empathize with people of Gaza and Palestine and the horrors They're going through, but this specific message ticked me off on a bit of an oddity so to say. As I said back in two paragraphs ago, I've been noticing more and more people rebloging posts and asks about people in Gaza who are suffering and all, but after looking into it, they all seem rather similar, aren't they?

Now of course this is the internet, there will inevitably be someone in Gaza posting on Tumblr, but there's a weird repetitiveness of these numerous accounts. Many of them are in the ranges of 17 to early 20's, many of them claim to have a prestigious position like a degree in medicine or science, many of them detail in overly long prose about many tragedies, and many of them end in a gofundme link. And that's practically the only charity website that's used. A bit weird, but whatever, it's just for letting people know, right?

This is the account I showed earlier, the scratched out part is, again, a gofundme link for support, understandable, but weird. But look at the post history, and you'll see that every single post, starting straight from the first one on August 19th, and only breaking at milestone posts (like the 5 posts one), is entirely devoted to advertising this gofundme link, and it is the exact same one. Wouldn't this user, who purpotedly is on Tumblr and in Gaza, be doing any other activity, like liking posts, reblogging other's posts that arent his, anything that isn't just constant advertisement?

Now of course this wouldn't be all that odd with only one guy doing this sort of thing, but I have witnessed so many accounts that do nothing but post their gofundme links with formatting so similar, you'd think they are plagiarizing from each other. From the same giant titles saying "Listen to me" or "Read this message", to the same coloring of texts, to even posting this stuff as soon as they create their account and pinging alot of random, seemingly unrelated accounts. Why are there so many of them, and why do all of them have gofundme links?

Now this might piss off a grand amount of people considering the whole Palestine and Gaza strip stuff, but there might be a miniscule, really tiny chance, that this stuff might be illegitimate? That all of these accounts with nearly identical post history, style, and substance might be all a ruse to funnel a ton of money from clueless people? Maybe they are using random's identities, maybe these randoms get a cut from the overall funding, but there's always a chance it might be a scam. It's all too artificial and bot-like for me.

I don't know though, maybe it's just me being skeptical of everything these days.

[castlebyersafterdark]

ok, so im watching the how to get away w murder clip and like... yeah? sexy sex? but there's too many cuts in the edit. i want to see more, but without seeing more.... if you know what i mean?

this is my main issue with modern (or should i say hollywood?) sex scenes. theyre too fast paced, not only in the progression of the sex itself, but in the edit. noah has made letterboxd mentions of how he admires films where the scene is allowed to just play out, often from one angle, and its usually in european or arthouse cinema. the fact he's said this makes me think ST is NOT being filmed like this, which makes me sad, but i guess i shouldnt have expected anything else judging by the history of the show.

my hope with byler, more than wanting to see body parts (though i wouldn't mind that - bodies are beautiful), is that the scene is allowed to play out, with the camera slowly panning in rather than chopping and changing angles. for me, this is slow immersion, desperately sensual. i can forget i am even there... i am lost in the scene, and the actors are too, because they are allowed to just be in one long take and forget the camera. ST has sometimes used what fans call 'stalker' shots, which gives them a bad connotation - its where the camera creeps on characters out of their view. but i dont think it necessarily is a bad camera shot. depends on the tone we're setting. after all, we are all voyeurs simply by watching a story on a screen, arent we? why not make the camerawork immersive too, in a nice way? perhaps, this way, there would be less shame for viewers as well, because we wouldn't constantly be reminded YOU ARE WATCHING A SEX SCENE! ISNT THIS SEXY???!!!! I BET YOURE GETTING A BONER RIGHT NOW! HAHAHA!

lmao. It would just become another part of the lives of these characters. this is why i love lucca guadagnino the director, he says he approaches every scene with the same attitude and gives it the same importance, whether its simulated sex or a tiny passing scene without lines. and honestly, it's a cultural issue too. european culture in general is more comfortable with sex and the body. you see it in food, in dance, in the way people behave and move and everything. i think in america, shock factor and sex sells, but there's also deep shame ingrained into those same things. it makes for an odd tussle, where there wouldnt even be an issue in european culture. epicurean sensuality is normal and celebrated there.

i suppose its too much to expect finn and noah to pull off a guadagnino style love scene under the direction of the duffer brothers lmao. but they seem to have their only sensuality that they bring and cannot be quelled... the van scene is honestly, very sensual and intense. so i have some hope.

but i do hope one or either of them are scooped up for a project like Queer, one day. I think they could both thrive under such a director's approach to filmmaking.

also love that we have mentioned titanic here lately because even though thats hollywood, its subtle and very sensual rather than "sexy". And in doing so, it becomes sexy. I want byler to be sensual and emotional, not sexy.

I'll always stand by my love of HTGAWM and thinking they did a pretty good job - I mean, in a show with romantic subplots and especially as a character who uses sex and his sexuality for secondary means? It's still important to the show while not being the point of the show. It's all genre, medium, story being told. Filming style.

I guess it depends on what you're watching. I feel like the sex scenes in a snappy crime procedural vs. a drama/romance film vs. a mainstream horror/sci-fi are going to be very different. There's just different style of filming. I like all the types mentioned above. Do I want to imagine what scenes of various natures would look like if Stranger Things was more arthouse lofty cinema? Yeah, that's honestly how it looks in my imagination 😆 But ST is not an arthouse indie film haha. I would never expect as such. It does allow emotions to sit, it does allow for sentiment. It's not like they're constantly undercutting any emotional moment with humor or quips or subversion fourth wall genre aware eye rolling like other media (cough mcu and sw cough), so there's that at least.

Definitely appreciative and more interested in scenes that are allowed to play out, the sensual rather than shock value or included but almost shameful. I really think a lot of it depends on tone of story and film/show. I don't think I subscribe to only allowing room to consider certain regions to be able to be successful with or engage with certain emotions and art. I think the problem is the most glaring detractors in opposition to what we talk about are loud by nature, the big budgets that demand a return so they cater to more mass appeal. Anything mass appeal is going to be imperfect about sex, since it's so devisive. Not trying to be too defensive! I just think it should be considered. I always try to consider alternatives to sweeping generalizations.

Titanic is a great example of a filmmaking style I quite enjoyed and I thought was perfection for the story it told! The history and the romance and humanity all in conjunction. I think the sex scenes, the sensuality of it all - spot on. It didn't need to be more exposed, more what I call "softcore" simulated. Sometimes I think scenes do go too far, sometimes not far enough. Titanic was perfect for Titanic. Its genineky one of those topics thats a case by case basis in my personal reads of media re: sex scenes in cinema.

But - agreed, in that train of thought at the end. We have fandom, we have imagination to make Byler spicy and sexy. I'd hate for them to just shy away completely if the intention is to include a sex scene. It should be more emotional and sensual than shocking or ashamed to really give it weight. For sure.

Also agree I'd love to see either boy in a film with material that allows then to explore on screen, show a side we haven't gotten yet. Vulnerable filmmaking, a little artsier. Some say neither really have the acting chops but I disagree. We've seen some moments of brilliance. They'd need the right script, story, directing. Material that could push them. I do believe they have it in them to deliver in some sort of future project and it would so great to see. Let's hope 🤞

[notthestarwar]

Bringing this back from what I wrote on a reblog on one of my webs cause its so relevant:

[on Jango] sometimes i see takes that are like ‘he didn’t know’ he knew!!! he knew! he knew he was being used and he knew just how bad what he was doing was and he knew that he was betraying himself and he went to massive amounts of effort to rationalise that to himself (and maybe at times it even worked) but he did it anyway. and once he did 1 bad thing he kept doing worse things because he was beyond the point of return. to accept that he was wrong and acting on that would have meant confronting all of the other things he was lying to himself about and he was never gonna do that! because it would have been painful to do so. so instead he carries on down a path that ultimately could only ever end in his death, because he doesnt see any alternative.

so he keeps on being the bad guy cause he’s kind of like. thinking of himself as already dead. he survived everyone and he’s had a foot in the grave since. he isn’t a person anymore, he’s a tool of vengence. and he can not allow himself to consider that the people he lost wouldnt want that for him because to accept that is to accept that there is nothing he CAN do for them, they are dead and gone.

i think in his head he has this dichtomy where he’s like ‘i’m not the bad guy. anyone would do what i have done in my situation, i’m what the galaxy made me’ and he rationalises it all ‘the clones arent human’ ‘being soft will hurt Boba, i should make him afraid of people for his own good’ ‘the jedi have it coming’ While at the same time, there is a part of him deep down that’s like. ‘i have to be the bad guy cause i wasn’t once and look where that got me’ and that being there, is why he never ever would have tried to be better. he was smart enough to see through his rationalisations, but he was scared enough to make himself believe and in the end that’s what mattered

like the worst happened to him, multiple times, and he came out of it and was like ‘i will be feared’. the names he goes by in those years: ‘best bounty hunter in the galaxy’ ‘jedi killer’  and like. the clones, that’s personal. that’s his face. letting yourself be copied a few million times over is a great way to make yourself immortal right? except it didnt work. because the clones wear his body but they clearly arent him, so that becomes another thing he’s got to lie to himself about. like if they arent an extension of me, then they are nothing. they arent even people. He made himself in to something that the galaxy could never forget. which i think is really sad considering like. only 20 years later, people don’t really remember the clones or him, the clones are forgotten (which is obviously at heart an insult to the clones but it’s also like. the man you came from sacrificed himself and every single one of your brothers, and he didnt even win. it was for nothing.)

i think that jango tried really hard to make himself in to someone that everyone was afraid of, so that nobody would ever make him the victim again. and it was all for nothing, cause from the moment he gets back in to the galaxy from that ship? jango’s greatest enemy is himself. he doesnt need anyone else to victimise him. he has that covered. like i’m a firm believer that jango was never surviving, if not mace it would have been someone else soon after. he wasnt prepared to survive. he thought that he was already dead, that he’d survived his end. he thought that boba was better off without him. he didnt think he deserved to live and so he lived dangerously. i think that after he got out of slavery, he made a conscious effort to make himself in to a person that nobody would ever consider might be afraid, and i think a person doesn’t do that unless they are truly terrified

[redswaberkez]

ayo whos ur favorite deus ex character btw nice art

ohhhhh GOD my time has come. and so have i (wRONG GAME)

tldr

i love "main" 7-8 of them equally. What is a main to me? ofc Adam, Frank, Megan, Malik, Eliza, JC and Alex D. One special place in my heart is for Vaclav

big text below

Thank for compliment btw 😖

Spoilers alert ? idk

(warning my english is gonna be sometimes sooo rusty i guess)

DOUBLE WARNING I don’t rule out that over the many years of being in dxs fandom, the main concept of game's lore in my head just didnt messed up with my own headcanons. it is alteady messed up. cuz. yk) me n my besties created the full story aND - [GUNSHOT]

yeah i know it is strange to say, that dx has more main characters that just. Adam, JC and Alex D, cuz. They are Literally The Main chars. But back to my seven.

As i said before i love them all equally, for different reasons. One thing abt dx as a game is that characters arent plain and they are multifaceted.(?)

Adam

I love Adam for his complicated story, personality, for his own struggles, motivations and how they are represented in game. These small environment storytelling pieces and music that creates the mood (wait redswa it isnt abt the environment). What im trying to say. Through the gameS - dxhr and dxmd - we can see how Adam is healing from his trauma, and how heavy it was. Also needet to be noted how he interacts w another characters. AND this tension between him and Frank but how at the end of the day (but lit at panchaea) Frank is still cares a lot abt Adam.

Also Adam is just like my bestie. Moral think for yourself. Yeah.

Pritchard

ONE thing i need to say abt frank is HESSS JUST LIKE MEE FRR, and now imagine some kind of cringe sigma phonk playing on the background. Yeah thats it. I relate to him so much but like. in more✨deep infj cringe way✨ Have you evere feel like Pritchard is gonna explode from nerves or even neurotism? Or like from blast of incomperhensible mess of feelings but he hides it? This is what im talking about. Heyy dont judge me i need to project some shit to my faves okay???? Damn how could you tell i have a lot of hc on dx? i have no idea!

I love Pritchard's informality. I mean. BRO WHY YOUR BIKE IS EVEN ON YOUR WORKPLACE???? AND THIS FINAL FANTASY POSTER???? AND THIS TV INSTALLATION??? honestly?understandable.

In Prague, Frank is still reminds Adam abt himself. Yeah i knoe it is for game purposes, but imo in lore perspective: Pritchard is gathered a lot of info for Adam (basically dxhr retelling), and this small detail: Adam keeps Pritchard's book. (i know you can find them anywhere in Prague, but still (methink eidos gaf later abt this texture and put it anywhere jus because lmao))

This ^^^ is Frank btw

Ok enough abt Pritchard cuz then its gonna be endless

Megan and Malik.

Another notable thing that i like in dx series is that women in game arent sexualized. They arend "simple and f���ckable objescts" Megan is a scientist, on a verge of the greatest innovation. Yes. We dont know much abt her bc she is literally missing. Malik is a pilot. Damn i love her sm. Her chardesign. Strong and powerful charisma and nonconfotmity. Faridah's sidequest in Hengsha???? MY GIRLLLL GO AND GET AND BEAT SHIT OF THIS ASSHOLE. 👊👊👊👊

I remember how sad was i, when Malik was killed in dxhr and how happy was i to find out her little gift in Prague.

Overall kinda sad that there is not much screentime of them.

AND another notable thing. Megan and revolver. Revolver as an inspiration. OK I GOT IT

Eliza

Its 2028 and AI is already taken big steps in development. Questions of self-consciousness of an AI were asked in a lot of sci-fi creations. And deus is not not an exception. Love how Eliza obtains her own conscious during the game and how it leads to project Hyron at the end. I have a lot of thought abt p. Hyron overall. Another topic ngl.

And ofc her design is beyond all praise. Thank you designers for NOT making her oversexualized.

During dxmd Eliza is also questioning a lot of essential questions. I know she does. But cant remember what exactly it was. Need to replay tho

JC

My bad, i still cant play through dx original, so i can only rely on his vibes. His vibes are good and silly. He has big meme potential cuz hes test-tubed. Not sorry tho

bro im laughing and exploding from this meme like 3 yrs but RIGHT NOW DURING ANSWERING YOUR ASK I UNDERSTOOD THAT THIS IS SOYJAK REFERENCE AND NOW IM DYING LIKe x3 TIMES I WAS SO BLIND MY VISION WASNT AUGMENTED TILL NOW

Alex D

When my pc even didnt existed and i was a laptop player, when the grass was greener....... I played dxiw. Yeah it isnt so big, but for its times it is good enough. Alex also radiate vibes of small and silly-stupid-Bi guy, the one who is gonna trip on air.

(meme with pom dog says "I will gnaw out your heart and eat it")

Look at him. Hes got an ears, unlike his brothers, but he has ZERO braincells. JC and Paul at least got some braincells, maybe one, or two and they are belong to Paul. Cost of an ears = cost of brain

Alex tried to fool up an AI. I would venture to say that he even flirted with her, and got rejected. Local bidlow tried to gop-stop (bandits tried to steal) his jacked and he could give it to and be like "better be pissed on than punched😖"

Yes, He is a silly fool (noneg, with love) but hes got a big heart like. At least, i remember so.

And last but not least

Vaclav

Love him for his light distinctive punkie nature, with big heart and ready to help whenever you need it. Vaclav tries his best so much. In library we can find cz-eng vocabulary with medical terms, when ig most of his patiens are czechs... says a lot

I would say that vaclav is silly but not stupid, not even naive. We can find him on Dvali's blacklist, but he is important for them. (but we also remember that otar just dont like him cuz vac knows radich's secret and otar is not (mb that the reason why vaclav is blacklisted))

well how to say it.. he's soul is good and lovely, he is not evil or dark. Idk cant find an eng analogue.

But in srb and ru we have доброћудан [dobrochudan] (literally good-lovely) or добродушный [dobrodushny] (good-souly)

actually this gif sums everything abt him very well

Thank you for ask! I really liked to talk on this topic

[gabapentinblues]

1.6.2025 nightly journal, tw; sh and ed

had a hard time waking up, i always wanna sleep past 8am but then i dont have enough time to myself before group. it was grey and cold today and i had kinda a hard time getting up and getting ready. im always so exhausted in the mornings.

my check in was okay, my weekend wasn't terrible. there's a kid whose bipolar is pretty bad rn and hes really agitated and confrontational, so that was interesting this morning. i think i might get dunkin tomorrow to give myself a treat, something to look forward to. i have to work after group tomorrow but i really just want to quit my job.

we talked a little bit about measuring progress and how do we define that for ourselves bc ultimately its up to us. and i was just asking myself what do i want out of this program, and thinking abt how the idea of not being in the program is terrifying to me. i mentioned all of my issues with my impulses and really wanting to build up mindfulness and gratitude.

i wrote out a loneliness iceberg bc that is the hardest emotion for me to deal with. underneath my loneliness there is definitely fear and i wrote out all the fears that i have around feeling lonely. my fears that no one will ever stay with me and i will always be abandoned, my fear that my life is meaningless and nothing is worthwhile, my fear that im too much and not enough and people arent going to prioritize me. im afraid that my feelings of emptiness and loneliness arent going to go away.

im trying to confront my fears, to have awareness and take care of myself. im trying to stop binge eating and self harming and compulsively smoking weed.

today i was able to make it thru my day without binge eating. i had a protein yogurt, a breakfast bar, an apple, pretzels and hummus, hot chocolate and half a bowl of restaurant ramen. its going to take a while for my appetite to get used to not overeating anymore and im trying to be patient with myself. im not going to be able to jump right into restricting, so this week im just focusing on not overeating.

i got home and made hot chocolate and got back into bed. i ended up sleeping for like an hour. ate my small lunch and didn't really know what else to do. i got sad and started thinking about how i dont want this to be my life while i was waiting for my friends. i self harmed and cut pretty deep. i didnt have enough time to completely stop the bleeding before i had to go meet my friends so i bled thru my jeans a little.

i met up with my friends and we got ramen. it was snowing and windy outside. my friend called the tattoo shop down the street and asked if theyd have time for walk ins. we went there and my friend got her septum pierced, our other friend got a small tattoo and i got snake bite piercings.

then we stopped and got a drink at an arcade bar on the way home. it was a nice night even though i sometimes felt like a third wheel. i let them come up to my apartment to warm up before they had to catch the bus. i finished the bottle of wine i got yesterday and hit my vape a couple times.

now im just sitting in my room getting a little buzzed. doing a good job being present and not over eating. grateful for my friends and that i can be open and honest with them, for the small bit of extra money i can spend on fun things, for snow

[theaestheticaddict2]

After reviewing my entire post history (and then going back and seeing there was more before that got wiped from another account)

I have currently concluded that I've always been a bit mature (and I've cringed when I've looked back and said that before but I still came to the same conclusion as I went back far enough) maybe I've just always been a thinker (tho not when its actually helpful- more when I need to bloody sleep)

I think there's potential to feel crushing sadness and heartbreak again, and to feel depair about my love again, and to get angry and helpful and confused and conflicted and so on. I'm not gonna be happy forever as much as maybe my past self thought that may happen one day, it'll be up and down forever i just gotta get good or even decent at cherishing the good moments and try not to have regret about important things. Do my best and that's all I can ask of my future self- AND SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE YOU ARENT DOUNG YOUR BEST BUT YOU ARE STOP PUTTING YOUSELF DOWN EVEN AS IM TYPING THIS IM LIKE UMMMM BUT JUST EXISTING IS HARD!.

Over the years loadsss has happened and reading though it i found myself wanting to reply to so much and tell my past self how it worked out or that I had no idea, but that's the beauty of hindsight and also reading my raw emotions at the time, I wasn't naive but I felt sure and that didn't pan out and it's ok.

The unknown is scary and I do fear loss most of all, but I'm lucky to have people i love enough to fear their loss, I'm lucky and thinking too hard about things I can't control (tho sometimes I think i can control them and that's scarier)

I am a bit scared my mental health is on the decline again as I feel down a bit more lately and have been getting drawn here, but it's worth remembering I'm in deep winter and that usually is a low time of year, things are out of proportion.

It'll be ok, keep going, roller coasters go up and down, enjoy the ups and remember them when your on the downs. Lol.

[smileymoth]

tw suicide/self harm/disordered eating idk im having a moment

best part abuot being a fucking coward is that i dont think id ever kill myself. like i am too scared to just injure myself . i cant even cut myself too deep without freaking out like i see a drop of too much blood and i feel like im gona faint . but boy if i do not think abt just ending it every day. i sometimes start thinking about details and it freaks me out so i stop but its just like a passing thought of ohhh i cant fucking take this anymore i need to kill myself . it would be better if i just fucking died bc i dont bring any sort of value to society. im deathly afraid of not getting a job. i dont want to live with my mom for the rest of my life like my aunt. i dont think i could handle it. i need to be alone and i need to be indipendent. ive been hurting myself since i was like 10 by just scratching myself or whatever but like actually starting to cut myself at age 22 is kind of embarrassing like. im an adult. what am i doing. i cant fucking do this shit man. i cried today bc i was all nice n cozy in bed and i just cried bc i was like god i wish this could just be how it was every day. i dont want to do anything i dont want to go to work i dont want to do schoolwork i just want to draw and get paid for it. but i just suck at everything. i need help with everything. i need to kill myself. tbf i could probably do the museum job forever. but i am never getting hired bc they dont need me there. i do feel like a job would be better than school. school makes me want to kill myself. im so fucking stressed about everything right now its unreal. i need a scale so fucking bad too and i need to get back into the flow of restricting properly bc ive just been fucked in that department lately bc im so overwhelmed. its so impossible to keep ttrack of what you eat when youre busy. when you dont have a specific routine. im autistic arent i. whatever. i need to just make sure im always under [redacted} kilos so that if the surgeon finally fucking calls i would not have to be like oops sorry i cant im still an obese cunt who you cant operate on. idk. i need to kill myself as per usual. like i cant keep up with all of this shit. i just want to not be so fucking stresserd all the time but life is all jut about being stressed and doing shit and i dont know if i can handle it. i can barely handle school and now im flipflopping between volunteering at the museum and school and im dying im just straightup dying like im pretty surre why i got so sick now was bc i was stressed tf out bout everything and not resting. and yet i feel like i havent done enough. i have done fucking nothing to secure myself a job in the future. i have no plans for the future beside "ill figure it out as i go" but things really dont work like that. im fucking wasting my life away im useless like. i have nothing to offer anyone. who want me no one. shoot me in the headddd nowwwwwwwwww i need to kms and die forever

and like i dont even know why i am like this. like im just fucked in the head. i feel like im gona be like this forever. idk if i can live to 40 like that. i have no horrid trauma that would result in me being this much of a sad freak who keeps whining. like i feel like im just pretending or like playing the victim to get idk brownie points from god or something bc i dont tell shit to anyone beside like 3 of my friends and all of tumblr but i rly doubt anyone reads these anyway like this shit too logn. tl;dr whatever. whatever. it feels like its my fault that im like this. i feel like i fucked my life up on purpose somehow. that its my fault that i want to kill myself. idk if it works like that. but the thought of that only makes me want to get worse. like ive contemplated so many times of just making myself bleed so hard i pass out but i cant bc im a pussy but i feel like it would prove sth to someone. probably to myself. that im not just making it up for attention even though yeah sureeeee the attention you get from slicing your skin and then making sure to always cover that shit up to make sure nobody ever sees . whatever. i hate this shit if you ever think abt cutting just dont you wont get rid of it and if your mental health keeps getting gradually worse so will that bc hashtag coping mechanism. its like the only thing rn that even helps it like calms me down but then its like aw shucks theres new scarrsssss that take ages to heal. fuck my shit life idk. im stupid and stubborn and i dont think ever. i think too much actually. i hate that i dont feel sick enough i hate that i just feel lazy and ungrateful. i hate feeling like im being weak so that others would do sth about it while i push away any and all help i get offered . if i do accept it i feel like shit afterward bc im not enough to get it done myself. i hate feeling like im always behind. like im sdomehow behind all my friends . ill never be good enough. ill always be behind. i peaked in 9th grade and it was all downhill from there. i shouldve been someone else from the beginning. i hate that i exist i feel sorry for my mother for having to put up with me i feel sorry for my friends for having to put up with me . im just pathetic and sad and i do fuckin gnothing to help myself

[narryffdreaming]

Hey Dani! I saw your post about how invasive fans can be and I can't stop thinking about it since I read it. It's something I think about every time I post something in here because many times I use content that it's not from shows or harry's IG (you know photos we get from fans that met him or pap pics or things other people say about him etc.) Every single time I post, there is a thought that pops up immediately in my mind: "Is this disrespectful?" and when I decide to post it after all it's because I'm telling myself that I don't post about him because I see him as a content but because I want to express the admiration I have for him and also because it's a way to distract myself from things that makes me anxious (I mean it makes happy talking about him). Although I know that I'm trying always to be respectful (and I think I have achieved it, at least at most parts), the thing you said it's always a thought that comes to my mind when I do something that involves him. And that's why I feel so at ease when he is not working and we don't get any photo or whatever. Because sometimes we crave to see him and get glimpse of his life but that's selfish. He doesn't own us anything.

hellooooo <3 i completely get being here and posting things because we want to distract ourselves from reality (things that make us anxious, sad, etc), and i dont want to come across as someone who's above any of that. after all, here i am, writing fanfic and posting about how much i love harrys arms lol (btw, i also have internal dilemmas when it comes to my stories, i just wont get into that rn bc I'll end up losing track of my thoughts and never stop talking hehe).

SO YEAH, that all being said, im gonna answer your ask in the only way i can right now, which is reading """between the lines""" of what you wrote—but pls keep in mind that my brain is exhausted so take this in a gentle way <3 first, from my perspective, i think that if you have to CONVINCE yourself that what you're doing (whatever that is) isn't disrespectful to others because it brings YOU joy, then that's already enough to show that deep down you already know something is off and maybe, just maybeeeeee (bc im speaking in general not just about this situation), that it isnt the case. and second, are you really showing admiration for him if you're posting pictures he didn't consent? if you're posting pictures that are invading his privacy or that were taken when he wasn't aware of someone even watching him? arent there better ways to show admiration than to share/spread pictures of him trying to live his "normal" life? i get wanting to distract yourself from reality, i do!! i just think there are a million things there could be posted instead of these pictures/videos that are taken in a context where he isn't being treated like a human being. let's go back to old shows. let's go back to his instagram posts. lets go back to his interviews. his music videos. his movies. his outfits.... idk!! is it repetitive? well... yeah. but it is what it is. it is what we have until he's willing and ready to share more 🤷‍♀️

at the end of the day, engaging or not with that kind of content is a choice. and yes, whether we like to admit it or not, pictures and videos of him are content. content to feed your blog. content so people interact with your posts. so people engage, follow, etc, etc.. and it is my choice not to post or reblog that kind of content, and sometimes i have to ignore the urge to make an exception bc he looks so cute or so hot or whatever in one specific picture. i have to actively choose not to engage, and i do it bc i believe he deserves better than that. and bc i believe that my own entertainment or distraction arent above his personal space or boundaries or whatever. do i wish he would post 24/7 and let me in in his life? YES. do i wish i could know everything he does and stare at his beautiful face everyday? YES. is that healthy? probably not!! lmao. should i fulfill my wishes no matter what? HELL NO.

so yeah, i dont own the truth and i dont want to make anyone feel bad or anything, but i feel like we're the ones encouraging this behavior around him—we aka his own fans. so i do think it's also up to us to point out when it's too much or when we are crossing lines. not with hate or canceling people or embarrassing anyone... just bringing up the conversation and encouraging people to think about it, so maybe they'll eventually see things in a different way.

OKAY I'LL STOP NOW but thank you for sending this 💕 i tried my best to choose the correct words but im so tired that maybe i didnt and just know that i meant all this in the nicest possible way! <333

[ohumokay]

I saw ur comment on the friend post and even though we have an age gap it baffles me that we seem to be having the same issues in regards to friendships. idk if society has always been cliquey or overly selective of who it lets join in and vice versa. but lately idk whats been up with peoples way of communicating you would think even with all tihs digitalised methods that people would want to but yet it seem no one does either bc theyre so self absorbed or they are "too busy" esp for those that have 100s of friends online but never enough time to every one so some of us sadly get put aside or we just drift apart if they dont align or do enough like i dont even care about gifts and no cards and shit fuck that id rather just have few solid connections than none.

what sucks is the other people who then gloat on their profiles or accounts and ik they "busy" with others. i try to find things in common with others but its so hard sometimes because then you feel like you have to force yourself to genuinely care about shit you dont care about in order to find somewhere to fit in. i recently tried doing online zoom quizzes and they were absolute hell, first off zoom is the worst way to try to feel included in on any sort of group esp when u dont know them right off the bat then these quizzes were god awful to keep up with esp the speedquizzing ones. i only did them cause this was the only way my "friend" would keep in touch long enough w/ me.

its a sad world we are in where people are mostly only interested in themselves, even in school this was the case. idk i just kinda gave up cause i dont think i will ever find who im looking for cause it feels like if im not doing xyz things no one going to care if im not here type thing. yet im tired of finding people only to then feel like they arent pulling their efforts back, again idc for gifts but is it so hard for people to idfk send messages in return or to keep a friendship going? outside of having common interests?

sorry for rambling but i feel like no one really seems to want deep meaningful connections no more. everuthings done for their benefit or for posting online and showcasing it to others their "fake" as fuck connections that they claim to have with people.

Hey... Yeah, I completely understand what you mean. A lot of ppl have shallow ass relationships views nowadays, or avoid real connections.

I think I know which comment you're talking about: the one about my ex-bsf who basically ghosted me. That friendship was not only one sided, but toxic asf. They would shit on my beliefs, make jokes at my expense, and if they were called out for their behavior, they'd say that it didn't matter bcuz they were gonna off themself anyway. It was really shitty, and towards the end, they made it very clear they were a fake friend (literally called themself fake) so I had to cut ties my own way.

I'm sorry your "friend" couldn't compromise in communication. That is such a sucky feeling; trying to keep a friendship afloat, even if the other person isn't. And it's sad that no one in this world can have a normal conversation.

Don't get me wrong, me and the friends I have left (including my new BSF) don't text anything deep. Like, we text all the time, but we usually avoid deep conversations. Not bcuz we can't have meaningful conversation, but bcuz we don't feel comfortable texting; deep shit should be said in person, or,at the bare minimum, over a phone call. So that's why we text pretty shallow, or not at all. But, our friendship is also strong enough to withstand a few days without talking and still being closer than ever.

I understand your exhaustion, for a while I shared your sentiment, but I firmly believe that everyone has a person. A person who they can talk to freely, whenever, without worry of toxicity or emotional distance. A person who is always there with a shoulder to cry on, and advice that one might need to hear, even if they don't want to hear it. A person who will be willing to sit in silence when need be, or rant with them, or simply listens bcuz talking without interruption is therapeutic. A person who is their person, through thick and thin.

And, I know we don't know each other, and have an age gap (tho, idk how large it is), but if you need someone to listen to your rants and rambles, or to talk you through a situation, or to just tell you your heard and appreciated, I'm more than willing. And this goes to anyone who needs it, not just the questioner. I am willing to be a surrogate person until you find your actual person.

I'm not perfect, I might not say the right thing, it might take me a while to respond, but I will always be willing to help a fellow person in need, even over Tumblr ❤️‍🩹

[abcdosaka]

i feel like this was kinda a long time coming but it definitely feels weird to write it down.

having a weird time trying to, i guess, 'solve' my sex life and kinda by extension love life and reconcile it with having an actual relationship with my family. the hilarious part is the thing that brought this on was me shopping for toys lmao. this post is like half sex half depression.

like i was browsing dildos bc i wanna try to experience penetration for once without clenching up like a vise grip like i wanna try to learn to enjoy it bc ngl im getting a bit of fomo of all the other girlies out there. and also ive never really had the opportunity to kinda explore different things sexually like maybe i was just afraid but now that im basically financially independent its like i want to try. the same way i tried last year but this time i dont feel like there's other people or things holding me back. except there kinda is

anyway the entire time i was thinking like wait isnt this kinda like analogous to a man's penis? yeah no shit but its the realistic ones specifically that get me. i'm like wait i really do not like that. it really shoves in your face that like this is a MALE sex organ (which ya ik gender and sex is not real but for all intents and purposes in this case, it’s male). and its weird its like my brain kinda gets that im a lesbian but there's a disconnect with my body somewhere. like ok i know there's a huge thing about this and its like stepping on a minefield but just for me personally. i never thought i had a strong genital preference specifically like i always thought well, i like boobs and i like pussy and if i'm like watching porn or whatever and a dick pops up im like cool fine that is an object thats not a human. sorry to anyone i dehumanized just now. but its not like i HATE dick i think its alright sometimes even great but is it something i want inside me? idk. not really. especially not face to face with a man its just disturbing idk.

but point is im still kinda mentally in denial somewhere like my brain thinks theres some deep trauma or problem or bias against men that needs to be solved so that i can like men. but ive never been through a trauma like that. and obviously im well aware i am a little sexist like i dont vibe well with men. is that why? like i don't like the idea of having to have a relationship with a man bc i need to feel superior somehow? or maybe not superior but just not inferior. like its just more equal between women. yeah i think thats maybe it. but i feel like thats not just it. i also feel like theres some biologic instinct that turns me off to them. or maybe its nature vs nurture and ive nurtured myself so hard that im like well i can't like men now. the weird part about that is that i'd think it should be the other way around. like how straight incels will be like god i wish i was gay but i can't help being attracted to women. its a question ive been trying to solve for a decade and maybe i already know the answer but idk how to feel solid about it

anyway i saw one that was so cute it was like a bunch of pink hearts but its way too girthy. plus it was like $55 which is just. its probably normal for dildo prices that arent the microplastics shein ones but also like seriously. i might wait for if it goes on sale if i think ill like it after i try a smaller one. ill have to order it next week bc i wanna ship it to the post office so theres no chance my upstairs neighbour would get it by accident. but tbh ive experienced enough embarassing things that when i recall them i dont even get embarassed im just numb so i think if that happened itll just go in the numb pile or maybe funny pile.

now to the kinda sad part. how tf do i tell my family? ive always known that im gonna have to tell them sooner or later and id do it after im financially independent but this is the thing in my way that i was talking about. my family is not perfect or even close at all but idk. they kind of are all i got. yeah i have friends but nobody close enough to call in an emergency or whatever. and i feel a bit bad bc they have actually done a lot for me. like the shit before uni was whatever like thats what you do for family but everything they helped me with during uni, even though i hated it, i did need their help. i guess if i had other people to rely on i wouldn't have. but im a really fucking guarded person like i really dont like trusting people like that. at least with my family i believe they wouldn't screw me over bc of something petty. i moved halfway across the country so i could have the sort of privacy i wanted and seems like my mom knows that but i talked to her today and she was like maybe i could come visit in july and i was like alright i guess. but now im like wait so what happens if i start dating.

i actually really dislike that it seems like everyone in my family, extended and all, all of the sudden wants to hang out all the fucking time.

you know i bet they wouldn't even acknowledge it. in which case im not gonna acknowledge that they aren't acknowledging it. like ill just pretend they accept it. i need to make some queer friends here like actually

or maybe it isn't as big a deal as i think it is. i do live pretty far away. wtf are they gonna do from all the way over there lmao. nobody's gonna kill me over it. worst is i probably get disowned or cut off. or ill have to be the villain and cut them off. thatll be interesting