#sorry I am NOT active on this blog anymore my life has been falling apart | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ladyyatexel · 3 years

Text

I Went On A Manga Binge

So you don't have to

For those of you who have wisely avoided the shreds of it I've left around the blog thus-far, I had some weird notion to go re-experience Yu-Gi-Oh uuuuuh a week ago? We'll go with that. Time is meaningless.

I'd been able to read a good portion of the early manga at the end of highschool, and somewhere in my stacks and stacks of paper is fanart from this dark time, so you know I cared. I also still own a Dark Magician action figure somehow, so. I'd also watched a large portion of the anime with my brother because it had been laced with some kind of crack and we couldn't look away? I remember when we both were just like shit, wait, don't change the channel, I can't stop looking at it. And the next thing we knew we were waiting for new episodes and I was doing research on the Japanese original because I was that kid.

Anyway, unnecessary backstory out of the way, here are some... let's call them Observations and Consequences of having read somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 chapters (and growing) of a manga primarily hinged on card games from a spectrum of sources ranging from boringly lawful to sketchy as fuck.

Surprise actual character that develops in typical shounen fashion being Jounouchi. My limited experiences with the 4Kids dub and only early manga had not painted him in a particularly good light. I don't know if episodes were being aired out of order or if I had just missed the ones that established that he was making shit up as he was going along, but Wow I liked him a lot more going through the manga than I ever did watching the (dubbed, heavily edited and censored and thrown into a slurry machine) anime. I'd managed to come out with the impression that he was just as reasonably experienced with the game as Yugi back in the day. Wild.

I'm now reading every single comic-style post on Tumblr backwards.

Striking inverse to first point, wow, I don't like Seto Kaiba. Though he gets points for his general philosophy of the future, and the line I read in my sketchy online combo of scans and scanlations in which he said, "If God is in your way, you run him down," was Metal As Fuck. I somewhat shame-facedly admit to enjoying him a lot more as an Abridged Series character. (I watched Abridged as it came out back in the day! The experience of watching the anime with my brother had been so fresh that I got all the in jokes about the way things were edited and dubbed, it was great. Series remains influential part of my life to this day, which is hella weird.)

I almost understand how Duel Monsters works now. I don't want this.

That said, wow a lot of the decisions made in the anime made everything a lot more ridiculous than the admittedly already ridiculous original. I got the distinct feeling in the manga that the Duelist Kingdom stuff we were seeing was designed to be used and exploited in ways that don't make sense in an actual cardgame just played on a table like a normal person and this was part of testing everyone to think higher, differently. Maybe this is obvious to everyone already, I don't know. I had always liked that it was very, 'Not so fast, I'm going to blow up the moon to change the tides,' but I'm not really sure the anime gave enough explanation that this was an extra layer added to things for that event? You can see people actively getting used to it in the books, and people who aren't considering the real or 3D nature of it getting owned, but my memory of anime version is everyone just like, 'oh, shucks, fuck me, I forgot to consider the phase of the moon before i played this card, can't believe I forgot.' No one calls Yugi on any of this stuff because it's valid play in that situation. Plus Yami Yugi had mad trickster energy in the beginning and it suited him to think of ways to do things inside these little simulation boxes the way it suited him to set perverts on fire. I imagine the real card game trying to emulate this element as something that would be to its detriment, but I neither know nor particular care haha

Ryou Bakura.

Really, though. I think he became kind of casualty of 'wow, we have a lot of characters who really aren't able to do anything in this story anymore,' despite the fact that his whole inner life could have been as interesting as Yugi's. I always like thinking about the possibilities of stories in which main character falls into magical world and is given magical item and told they're the hero and then they find out they've been the bad guy the whole time. The first several volumes of manga were about the quiet weirdo kid that no one talked to who was always blacking out and turning into a fucked up version of himsef because he was so attached to his ancient Egyptian jewelry, so like, Bakura could have much the same shit going on. I want to know what's happening with him so much. He clearly doesn't love being possessed, but he's also so drawn to the ring. Despite it having stabbed him at least twice and him knowing it's a danger to him and his friends, he keeps being pulled back into it. You see so much more of him being like, 'Oooh, a creepy thing, I love that! :D' in the manga than ever in the anime, which I'm all about. Also more blood. I'm very about that as well. Though my memory of the anime also made it look very much like normal regular daily Bakura was just a weird facade in places before he ever would have been. I think that was it trying to compensate for what people didn't see from the Toei anime, but okay whatever, that I love everything about this guy is not news, I don't need to talk about Bakura excessively here, I'm pretty sure that's gonna show up on my blog by itself

On a related note though, damn, more of these people need to talk to each other. Can we have some existential crisis support clubs or something. Can we get like some apologies or something? "I respect you as a duelist." "Cool, but you literally built a tower designed to specifically assassinate me and my friends? You were supposed to get Better after I retaliated by putting you in a coma, but you kinda didn't." "Why would the coma have made it better" "I just told you it didn't" ---- "Sorry I went along with the plan of your evil parasite stabbing you, misled you, and then also jumped in and took up some real estate in your head too." "I understand, I also have an evil thing inside me that does things while I'm blacked out." "...no, I was conscious for all of that." "Oh." "..." "..." "..." "Do you like Ouija Boards?" "sure okay" ETC. Like damn we are reading shounen manga because no one is talking extensively about their feelings here and I'm tapping my foot angrily.

Holy shit there are so many mythologies happening at once. The ancient family guarding the Egyptian Pharaoh has a surname that's a Mesopotamian goddess. None of the god cards make any Egyptian sense except Ra, and just like. Baaarrrrely. Somewhere either Evil Ring Bakura or Mar/lik makes a reference to cremation and spirits being taken to heaven with smoke which several things, but definitely not Ancient Egyptian. Marik/Malik meanwhile is clearly trying to head Arabic, along with Rishid, but then, hey, our sister is just Isis. Goddess McGoddess. Sometimes they're the same goddess! Her name could be Isis Isis or Ishtar Ishtar. Meanwhile, all the obviously 'occult because Christians think it is freaky' stuff. ~ancient egyptian pentagrams~~~This isn't a complaint, I guess so much as a 'Wow, I can kind of see the cultural spot the author was coming from and where he was aiming' kind of thing.

Wonder where things would have gone if the card games had not been latched onto the way they were.

Managed to forget how gross the pre-cardgames stuff was on the sexual harassment front. I'm glad there was a sort of explanation of everyone drifting away from being dick heads and that that decision was made. It got way more comfortable to read after no one was bringing Yugi p*rn on VHS.

Yugi looks better with a nose, glad we got that upgrade.

Interesting to watch the series style shift as it goes away from being horror to being over the top cardgames and friendship (with blood!). The first picture of Mokuba is fucking Jarring. Also noticed that the nicer a character is, the less their teeth are defined.

Glad manga did not go as completely off the fucking the rails about Marik's face. I never got as far as seeing him back in the day because college occurred, but I remember seeing pictures and stuff and being like, "what in the Fuck happened to that dude, I think the house style has collapsed in on itself"

Things the author Really Likes: motorcycles, belts, SHOES, holy shit the shoes. These are some of the most lovingly rendered sneakers I've ever seen. All the detail on his characters goes straight to their feet and then it's stretched upward until it forms stiff peaks. Gently fold in 3000 years of trauma and bake face down in a crumb coat of scattered mythology. Remove when you roll two zeros.

Where the fuck am I going to put the extremely large omnibus volumes of this comic I purchased in order to balance out how much I would be reading for free on the internet. I should have grasped that a three in one edition would be Thick and yet somehow I was still :O when it arrived. Have I strategically purchased volumes that contain my favorite parts, maybe, what's it to you will i eventually get the whole thing because incomplete book series gnaw on my soul? yes

Wish the transition from "I've murdered several people in delightfully karmic ways" to "all you need is friendship in your heart and cards in your hand" Yami Yugi/Pharaoh had been discussed more/transitioned better. Buddy, where did you get this approved for television high horse? Please go back to strangling people with yo-yos or at least tell me why you stopped.

I still can't tell anything that looks like a big robotic monster apart from any other big robotic monster. My dude, I can't tell cars apart, all these monsters look the same.

Yami Yugi fascinated me way more in highschool? Maybe because it was still super early and the anime was like 'we need to torture you about his origins WeEkLy. Now I'm just like 'wait hold on, can we go back to Bakura and Marik for a minute, there's some extreme unpacking to do here?' Those two are paying so much more in baggage fees here my guy wow

Violently uninterested in any of the spinoff media

#yugioh #yu gi oh #ygo #there you go i can't imagine any other way you would decide was necessary to tag this #perhaps now that i have thrown this up i can #something #i don't know how i was going to finish that sentence #shut up lady

35 notes · View notes

serenedash · 3 years

Text

I started rambling about my experience with kh and then it turned into khux and then it just turned into me rambling about Ryou and my art journey????? enjoy I guess,

it’s very long but there’s art in there :)

It’s funny to think about my kh journey as a whole tbh, I grew up watching my mom play video games, which included kh1 and 2. I wasn’t allowed to play the playstation2 we owned BUT I did have a gameboy so the first game I played was CoM (after my mom finished it ofc,) so I guess you could say I’ve always been passionate about kh “””side games””” lmao but I did fall off of kh very quickly bc again, I wasn’t allowed to play our PS2 and also I Am A Terrible Gamer I’ve Never Finished CoM I’m sorry you all had to find out like this, but then 358/2 came out when I was in middle school and!!! I didn’t care and I didn’t play idk why lol

Anyway, fast forward to high school I’m like 15 and my older sister, who HAS been keeping up with kh, has a wallpaper on her phone of roxas and ventus. And bc I haven’t kept up I say “nice roxas wallpaper” and she says “thanks but it’s roxas and ventus” and I proceeded to get so mad that I was determined to prove to her that her wallpaper was just roxas twice and then I fell down the BBS rabbit hole and suddenly I was reading about vanitas and then I’m reading the fan translations of the BBS novel and I’m crying??? I am sobbing???? and that’s how I actually got into kh for real lol we are vanitas stans before we are people,

It’s so funny how I thought I was some kh super fan, knowing all this stuff that I spent so long reading and rewatching cutscene movies, but I never once, SOMEHOW NEVER ever came across khx. It’s so absurd and bizarre I seriously have no idea how I never once encountered khx prior to khux. I suppose that has to do with the fact I wasn’t involved in the fandom? In early high school I had stepped away from fandoms as a whole and I didn’t have any interest in really posting content or interacting with fans anymore bc of how burnt out I was from a previous fandom,

but khux released! and I was so hype and excited for it! on launch day I was a senior in high school, I had ran around to every “nerd” and weeb I could find in school to ask them to join my party and fun fact about me is I have crippling social anxiety I literally refuse to start conversations irl so holy shit I was OUT HERE doing the MOST

My player just originally had my name (Matt) but everyone in my party had fun names so Ryou was born! High school was one big yugioh phase for me and ryou bakura is one of my favorite characters ever so it was just the logical name choice lol I quickly started creating Ryou, the character, as well. I was also leaving my homestuck phase and that + vanitas obsession made This character design (art circa 2016)

If y’all are familiar with my kh oc’s you might notice that keyblade now belongs to my kid Monty LOL

Anyway that got scrapped quickly for the chip and dale outfit (which is where Ryou’s trademark goggles are from <3) Goggles have been a staple of my character designs for a LONG TIME so like, it had to be done, (that’s a separate ramble about a separate oc tho)

OG Ryou was an interesting guy; he was a young party leader with this overwhelming responsibility on his shoulders bc of his status as a party leader. In his original story, he also struggled heavily with darkness, much like Terra but for Ryou it was more that the darkness was controlling him and not like a source of power like it was for Terra

A big part of early Ryou I kept, however, was the crushing awareness of loss. One of my party members (the strongest one at the time,) had left without saying a word and I was very confused and hurt. This was around the time the ephemera plot was happening so I decided to incorporate it into Ryou’s story; having him experience losing a friend to darkness since it’s so normal for wielders in Daybreak Town to just disappear, and this would unintentionally become a theme for both me and Ryou as khux friends would just randomly disappear.

I was desperate for khux at this point and I decided to watch the fan translations for khx and GOD, god, was I obsessed. I couldn’t stop thinking about the foretellers. And I’m not going off about that here bc I already did that, but I actually started entering fandom again! I did it slowly, I started on tumblr before this blog was made altho it was me sending anons to the few khux related blogs I could have lol a friend convinced me to get twitter where I got involved with the ffxv fandom, which led me to the kh fandom and eventually the khux fandom there which is what REALLY got me going on khux.

I joined discord servers, most of the servers I’m in are khux related, and from there I joined the khux oc rp (shout out to anyone there who might be reading this lol here’s some art from the beginning of the rp,)

It’s SO FUNNY how the RP influenced me so heavily. I hadn’t RP’d in YEARS, I used to have a strict no oc rp policy, but here I was? And the funny part is, I had barely developed Ryou. I had scrapped his original story and all I had was POST WAR Ryou so I literally had to reverse write him; I had only ever written him as a depressed, guilt ridden adult, but it was a fucking blast and I have such fond memories of this rp when it was active,

But anyway, this encouraged me to get more serious about art! I started drawing, writing, cosplaying, and roleplaying when I hadn’t done any of that stuff in a very long time. The first time I ever drew a background was for a deviant art khux competition actually LOL

also! I always think extremely fondly of the drawing I did of Aced in the keyblade war. It was also one of the first backgrounds I ever drew and it felt like my real starting point in the khux fandom. It got a ton of notes on here and someone wrote a tiny fic in a reblog which just made me SO HAPPY like it really felt like people were noticing me :) I was going to draw a matching Ira but!! I just never did!! One day tho, it’s on my art bucket list to redraw this along with Ira,

Aside from my personal growth, khux was great for my social life ngl, I made SO MANY friends online and got to meet a ton of people irl over the years! It’s crazy to think about all the people I now know and talk to? It honestly makes me really emotional. I’ll never forget taking the train into NYC and meeting up with discord friends. Going to conventions and talking with people about the latest khux update? Absolutely insane and those were some GOOD TIMES, if I thanked every khux friend or even just person who made an impact on me then we’d be here for a LONG TIME,

Fun fact, for my Lauriam cosplay all I needed to buy was the wig I just owned his outfit LOL also? Probably retiring that cosplay ngl people treated me like absolute garbage when I wore him and it led to a lot of confidence issues for awhile ngl. That’s probably one of the only memorable negative experiences I have with khux; it was great when khux people recognized me but for kh fans that weren’t in khux? They were FUCKING MEAN??? fuck kh fandom at large, I only care about khux fandom,

This leads me to another huge part of my experience in khux fandom: THEORIES!! I used to write SO MANY and oh my god my brain was so full all the time. It was a huge appeal for me in the fandom; I had been previously writing theory posts in the RWBY fandom and it just migrated over to khux for me lol I had done a ton of theorizing around Lauriam tbh, it was really the only reason I liked his character at all bc initially I did not care about the dandelions, anyone who wasn’t Skuld I was like “please leave Now thanks”

A funny part of khux fandom I never intended to be apart of is the MEMES, I really only started doing memes as stress relief bc college had me so busy all I had time/energy for was these quick little shit post drawings.

The first meme I made, file name “invi despair” LOL we need to get her a girlfriend smh anyway, I think in my senior year of college I did a bunch of rapid fire memes all in one month bc the stress of finals was getting so bad afdgfhdgf as far as I know my impact on this fandom will be my memes bc all I do now is enter a kh/khux server and introduce myself and I go “yeah I draw art. here’s a meme” and everyone goes OH YOU, honestly I am nothing if not a clown

I’ve talked so much idk where I’m going with this. Khux is just a good game even if the gameplay actually kind of really sucks yknow lol but it was the first game I played where I like, REALLY got into the meta and the mechanics. I used to read so much on the mechanics and watch youtube videos on which medals were worth pulling for. I was never a whale or a top player exactly, but I could rank well if I tried lol I’ve made it to the top 100 for solo rankings, my party has made it to top 10, and in pvp I’ve made top 300. I’m not the highest level in my party but FUCK do I know how to manipulate this game LOL

And with all that hard work, the strategies, the theorizing, the content I’ve made-- it’s been my life for 5 years. I’ve logged into khux almost every single day. At the end, I have logged 1820 days in khux out of 1910 days. Kinda crazy. Crazier I’ve never spent money on khux either lol the only “money” gone into it was one time my mom gave me a google play store gift card and I used it on my birthday for a VIP xemnas medal which eventually made it to regular pulls anyway but it was nice and a little treat :)

I’m not a gacha fan, I don’t care for it, so I don’t think I’ll be touching another gacha again. But for kh? This was pretty fucking awesome, even if it sucked a lot sometimes LOL It was worth it for the people I’ve met most of all I think. I would honestly be a completely different person without khux and that’s REALLY insane to think about.

#the khux hyperfixation is REAL #but yall knew this about me #there's so much more I could say but it's 2am and this is long enough already #im rambling

10 notes · View notes

peachywise · 4 years

Text

nullify

an umbrella academy fanfiction // klaus hargreeves x reader

- part 6: the beginning of understandings || part i ⋆ part ii ⋆ part iii ⋆ part iv ⋆ part v ⋆ more to be released

- synopsis: It was finally time to meet the bringer of the apocalypse– a petite girl wrapped up in a blanket drinking tea. Totally chill. Nothing unusual about the situation at all. At least Klaus was consistent with his irritating commentary.

- note: my bad sorry i haven’t updated in so long!! but i’m back! and since season 2 is now out, please just note that this story is my own continuation of the story after season 1. also, i am no longer doing a tag list. honestly i just can’t be bothered, and i’m sure most of the blogs have changed since the last one for this series. i post on ao3, so you can subscribe to the story there!!

link on ao3

_______________________________________

Okay. So you were going to face the person who allegedly caused the apocalypse. No big deal. This was just a normal day, and she was just a girl. Albeit one who had undergone pretty severe trauma in her life, but hey. Nothing you couldn’t handle with a pleasant smile and a cup of tea, right?

Maybe the tea was a bad idea. But you felt like you needed a peace offering. Something to break the ice before asking someone who was relatively a complete stranger, “I think I can contain your powers, so why don’t we try? Also, why don’t you move into my apartment for the time being? I promise the occasional cockroach that comes out the drain won’t do any harm. It would be nice if he paid rent, but I can’t complain.”

Yeah. Just a normal day.

An abrupt tap on your shoulder and Klaus’s breath tickling the side of your neck forced your eyes away from your previous stare down with the white bedroom door, and any and all courage you’d built up to walk in quickly dissipated.

“Hey, you think if this whole—” his voice caught on a sharp intake of breath as he tried to find his words, his hands rolling, “trying to convince my sister to not start the second apocalypse by moving in with you thing doesn’t work out, I can still crash there? You can’t begin to imagine just how stifling it is here. I don’t even think Five has changed out of his little uniform in a week, let alone had a shower. You smell so much better. Like vanilla with a bit of stale coffee and deep-seated cynicism.”

Turning your face fully towards his, your noses almost touching by how close he had leaned in, you kept your expression passive. And then you tipped your hand to let half of the scalding tea fall over the lip of the cup and on his bare feet.

As Klaus jumped back, hopping between his feet and hollering a string of “ow, ow, ow,” you took a small step back and replied with a drab and mocking, “that has to hurt.”

Klaus gave a curt laugh that was almost lost, given his teeth were clenched in pain. “You know, I don’t know if I like your violent style of foreplay.”

“You’re making it very clear why Vanya destroyed the world in the first place, Klaus,” you responded, voice raised. “You haven’t even experienced just how sadistic I can be. I can turn around right now and just let her cause the second apocalypse again.”

“How original of you, threatening to leave. What is it, the tenth time already? Maybe if we’re all lucky, you can get a couple more in before dinner!”

“You know what’s original? Your desperate need for attention because you never got any from daddy as a kid. I’ve never seen that before-“

The door opened in front of you, and someone’s soft cough had you and Klaus both turning in their direction.

Allison Hargreeves.

“Are you guys done?” She questioned, a tight impatient look crossed on her features. At a loss for words, partly embarrassed now that you’d raised your voice, you tried to find anywhere to look but her eyes. Your gaze ultimately got caught on her neck, and the healed, puffy scar raised on her skin. Right. They’d mentioned Vanya had injured Allison. Pretty horribly at that. You remembered what you were nervous about in the first place.

“Allison, this is Y/N, though they will reply to trouble or travel-sized Satan just as well,” Klaus offered, slipping past his sister, who stood fully in the frame of the doorway.

Reaching behind to scratch your neck, you forced a timid smile on your face and gave a small wave with your free hand. “Hey. Nice, uh… place you got here.” Totally casual. “Very clean.” Not awkward at all.

Allison snorted. “Uh-huh. Nice to meet you. Let’s see if this was all worth it, shall we?”

Straight to the point. You could respect that. Nodding, you kept the nervous smile on your face as you walked past her after she sidestepped away from the door. You didn’t really know what you were expecting. Part of you thought the room was going to be some weird pit of despair. Dark and broody, like it was supposed to set the scene for some comic book character about to delve into their villain origin story.

But nope. It was just a standard bedroom, very well lit, white linen, clean carpet. The only thing that really stood out was the sunny yellow blanket wrapped tightly around a petite frame huddled on the single bed, a sky blue polka dot teacup clutched in both of her hands.

Well, now you didn’t feel so bad that you’d poured out basically all the tea you were going to give Vanya on Klaus.

“I’m guessing you’re Vanya?”

No shit, she was Vanya. You literally knew what she looked like.

You shuffled your feet awkwardly as the girl’s eyes flickered up to you. You still had the teacup in your hand.

“I brought you this, but I… spilled a little,” you commented off-handily, moving over to set it on a small side table.

Klaus made a notably shocked look. “Is that what you call a little?”

Vanya nodded her head once, her tone quietly gruff as she added, “we could hear you through the door.”

Allison offered a very helpful, “I’m sure the whole apartment floor heard them.”

Klaus, unable to contain himself from continuing this rally of comments, added, “well, it’s not the only time my screams have woken up someone next door. Certainly won’t be the last, God hoping the world doesn’t explode again.”

All three of you groaned. Good to know you weren’t the only one exhausted.

“It’s nice to meet you, Vanya. Did they explain to you why I’m here?” You asked, moving closer to the girl in question.

Vanya’s eyes glanced quickly over to Allison, who nodded her head in encouragement. She then turned to look at you once more and gave a slight jerk of her head in affirmation. Despite what had happened between Vanya and Allison, you could see the trust between the sisters. You might have gotten the story of what happened three months prior, but obviously they had worked out some stuff. At least a little bit. “Yeah. Yeah, Five uhm, gave me the gist of it,” Vanya replied, her voice still quiet with an edge of hesitance.

“It really works,” Klaus stated, looking at you with a joyful look. “Not seeing Ben’s ugly mug for once…” he pressed his hands to his heart and contentedly sighed, “it was the biggest blessing one could have given me.” His serene mood quickly dissipated as he looked to an empty corner and bit out a tight, “zip it, ghoul boy.”

“I don’t know,” Vanya carried on, as Klaus and presumably Ben continued to have an argument in the back. “Our powers are different. I don’t know if I want to take the risk of using it again in case it doesn’t work.”

You sighed, and Allison brought her hand up to nervously to chew on a nail. Moving to sit on the edge of the bed, you tried your best to settle the situation. Yeah, the money you would get for this would be nice, but you could tell this all went beyond that. It was important. You knew they wouldn’t have just let you into their inner circle if it wasn’t.

“I get it. What happened was awful, but you aren’t in that place anymore, right? Panic makes you do stupid shit. You aren’t you when you’re in such a crisis. That doesn’t mean you don’t take accountability for those actions, but the you sitting here isn’t actively trying to blow up the moon and cause the end of the world.” Peering over to Klaus, who stood grumpily off to the side, you asked, “it was the moon, right?”

His attention quickly fixed on you as he replied back, “oh yeah,” making a sudden explosion movement with his hands and horrible sound effects to go with it.

Allison’s blunt, “Klaus,” was enough to quickly shut him up.

“But I could panic again,” Vanya pleaded, her hazel eyes cutting in their pain. As stable and as comfortable as she appeared now, you could recognize that constant fear that must have lived in her. You knew too much about regret. You could see that in her eyes.

“And that’s where I come in. I can stop that. But we have to try first to see if it can work.” Reaching out a hesitant hand, you placed it on her knee still covered with the blanket and offered, “this power is inside you whether you like it or not. I don’t have perfect control over mine. I wish there were things I had done differently.” People you could have saved. People who you accidentally hurt. “You tried suppressing it, but that only made it explosive once it was actually let out. We can try to make it so you can live with it. Even if you don’t use it, at least you can control it.”

Vanya bit her lip and drooped her head, her hair falling in curtains around her face. You were curious about what her thoughts were. The furrow between her brows tensed and untensed in a way you knew her answer to the proposition was continually changing.

“Vanya, I’ve gone the self-destructive route to try and drown the voices out,” Klaus chirped up in the silence, his compassionate tone odd to your ears. From the corner, he strolled past you and rested a hand on his sister’s shoulder. “But I’ve never experienced quiet so fully until they put their field around me.” Soft eyes met yours as he added, “I never thought it was possible. It’s all I ever wanted.”

Holding his look for a moment, you weren’t quite sure what to say. You’d never really been… praised for your gift. Whenever you tried to use it to help someone else, you’d get called a freak or something worse. Any other time, it accidentally (well, purposefully sometimes) harmed someone. You could tell Klaus was sincere. Listening to the voices of the dead so much must be harrowing. You never really gave much thought about spirits and their presence, but for all you know, there could be multiple in the room with him at any moment. Always in pain. Always sharing that with him.

All you could manage to offer in response was a gentle smile before you tipped your head back to look at Vanya. “You don’t know me. I can’t ask you to trust me to do this. But why don’t you stay with me for a bit anyway? Klaus will be there, and you can come and go as you want, the others too. I’ll show you a couple of things I can do with the force field, and when you’re ready to test it out, we will. This is in your hands, Vanya. You’re in control.”

That’s all people like us could ever want. Control. Certainty—

Understanding.

“I already called sharing the bed with Trouble, just so you know,” Klaus said.

Although, it seemed your understanding clearly had its limits.

“If you did that, I would have to burn my bed so I didn’t get fleas. How about I get you a nice doggy bed instead?”

That got a grin out of Vanya, and when Allison added, “I think a flea repellent collar would be a wise investment as well,” her smile grew a little more comfortable.

“very funny, really, ” Klaus muttered.

“Okay. I’ll come with you,” Vanya finally conceded, reaching over to set her cup on the nightstand. “I’m— I don’t think I’m ready to try it out yet, but I guess if I do lose control again, having you there will be a good safety net?”

“We’ll all be your safety net this time.” Allison’s tone was earnest, remorse and care wrapped up on one. “I promise.” She sat on the bed and Vanya gently rested her head on her shoulder.

Whatever had gone on with this family, whatever tragedy had occurred in the past or with the current ordeal, seemed to be mending. You were kind of in awe staring at the scene. You had never known this kind of support since your father, and even then, you were so young that your memories of those feelings of comfort had faded. You lived alone. Didn’t really have any lasting friendships. You had the old couple across the hall who you played cards with at least once a week— though you were pretty sure they cheated every single time— but that wasn’t even close to what the Hargreeves had.

Family.

Standing back up, you heaved in a heavy breath. “I’ll leave you to pack,” you offered with your best shot at a cheery smile despite the sudden growing muck (jealousy, sadness, regret) festering through your veins. “Would you mind if I use the bathroom?”

Allison started to talk, offering you directions before Klaus interjected, “I’ll show you where it is.”

You were going to argue that you were perfectly capable of managing directions in the single apartment, but he placed his hand on your back and was quickly ushering you out of the door and down the rest of the hall.

“You really okay with doing this?” His questioned jarred you, eyes widening as you stepped away from his touch.

“Klaus, are you kidding?” You shot back, your exhaustion entrapping your exasperation in one low, breathy air. “I didn’t see you caring about that when I had originally said no multiple times.”

“You didn’t have that,” he stalled, struggling to come up with words as he haphazardly waved his hands in front of your face, “that look before. You looked sad when Vanya said she would come.”

Ah. You thought you’d shielded your face away from what you had felt. Strange that he would pick up on it. “It’s fine, Klaus. I want to help.”

Klaus didn’t look so sure, but he was also resigned enough to accept that answer. It was the truth anyway. It was a brief second of allowing yourself to feel bad. We all had those. A desire for something else someone has, for love, for care. But maybe this situation would help. Helping someone else, someone relatively similar to you, given the fucked up freak birth that messed up all their lives, would give you a sense of purpose.

“Can I ask you something, though?” You said, biting the inside of your cheek in a sort of nervous gesture.

“Yeah, sure,” Klaus prompted, curiosity lowing his eyebrows as he slightly tilted his head.

“Did you mean what you said in there? Did my blocking your power really help you that much?” You just needed to know. He looked so earnest, almost… desperate to experience it again. You felt seized by a sudden warmth. You just wanted to experience that again, whatever that was. To feel like you had done right.

“Trouble, you have no idea how much that helped. I meant what I said,” his tone turned almost affectionate, his eyes almost pleading with you to believe, “It really is all I ever wanted.”

And suddenly, the warmth that you hoped would have a growing familiarity in your body came back. However, there was something else there, nagging at the back of your consciousness, that you couldn’t quite grasp. It almost felt like concern or empathy, but there was something more. Despite Klaus’s kind words, there was an undercurrent of sadness to them. The man in front of you, who sometimes seemed so much younger and fragile than what he was, had been through hurt. You could recognize it. You had the moment you had met him and all the Hargreeves. But you were finally beginning to fully comprehend what his particular sadness was.

“It’s horrible to have been forced with a burden that could probably do so much good, but we just haven’t been able to see it.” You murmured, speaking your thoughts out loud without really meaning to. “All of you guys were forced to do good with your powers. Be the good guys, get the bad ones. That in itself was another burden just on top of it. You were kids. You never got to experience normal lives and have your powers adjusted to fit normalcy. I guess I’m lucky in that regard.”

You didn’t really know what you were saying. Just looking at Klaus’s face and the emotions you couldn’t read had you spewing words so freely that surely he must have thought you to be the erratic one now and not him.

“Sorry,” you laughed lightly, trying to break the tension. “I guess I’m just trying to say, if my power can do good by helping you guys out, then I’m happy. Whenever things get too noisy, just let me know and I’ll try and drown it out for you. Maybe just… living for a while, not stressing about your next plans, will help too.” You could try to provide some sort of normalcy in your shitty little apartment, with shitty cable, and an even shittier view.

“I’ll do that,” Klaus’s voice was so quiet you barely caught what he had said. “Thank you.”

Averting your gaze to the floor, you rubbed the tip of your nose with the back of your hand and stood in silence for a few moments.

“So uhm. Where’s that bathroom?”

“Oh, shit! Ah, yeah, just down the hall and to the right off the kitchen,” Klaus laughed, tension easing.

“What, not going to lead to it?” You teased.

“No, I think you can manage pretty well,” he smirked, before walking off into one of the adjacent rooms, probably to go pack.

What a shame. You’d probably have to burn all his clothes before they touched your carpets, now that you thought about it. You know, because of the fleas and all that.

#klaus hargreeves #klaus hargreeves fanfic #klaus hargreeves fanfiction #nullify #tua #tua fanfic #tua fanfiction #vanya hargreeves #the umbrella academy #the umbrella academy fanfic #the umbrella academy fanfiction #klaus hargreeves x reader #klaus hargreeves imagine #robert sheehan

34 notes · View notes

god7072therescue · 4 years

Text

Mysme Fluff Week 2020 Day 3/ Household Chores

Hello everyone!! I know its been a loooong while, but I am wanting to dip my toes back into writing and reviving this blog! I thought the perfect way to do this is to contribute to the amazing fluff of @mmfluffweek. We all need this right now, right? So here is one of my contributions to this hella cool project!

The fic is about Zen cleaning his apartment when MC is about to move in. Hope You guys like it!

You can find my master list here!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zen wore a large grin on his face as he stared at the time on his cell phone. It was almost midnight, early in the evening for him. A picture of MC and himself holding one another in a playful embrace let out a bright light among the dark space around him. He watched a minute pass before he turned his phone off and leaned back into his chair with a content sigh.

Tomorrow was finally the day MC would be moving into his apartment. Not just staying the night, nor staying for a weekend, but actually living with him. She would never have to pry herself away from his too tight hugs when she would have to return home again. The thought made Zen feel giddy, almost like he was back in high school reading through theater scripts for the first time.

His eyes scanned over the apartment, trying to imagine the little touches she would add as she made herself at home. How many of her paintings would she hang on the walls? How much of his and her stuff would have to be put in storage so the two could live in a harmonious space? Whatever the answer was, he knew it would be the best because MC would finally be living with him. This would become their home.

However, the longer Zen inspected the apartment, he began to notice some aspects that would need to change when MC arrived. Has his place always been this messy? There were empty beer cans laying on the ground along with sheet mask wrappers from the nights before. Were those crumbs on the carpet always there when MC stayed over? Dust was on almost every surface, especially on his dinosaur of a computer. Would he finally be able to get rid of his outdated computer? MC had jokingly mentioned that she would be bringing her PC with her to replace Zen’s relic of a computer. He pouted playfully at the time but was secretly relieved because damn the thing was terribly slow.

A rising feeling of urgency began to rush through him. Did he expect his jagiya to come live in this? This environment was no place for MC! MC deserved to arrive to a spotless apartment to create her new home with him. He called her his princess on a daily basis, but this new palace is definitely not worthy of her. As he pondered the thought longer, he came to wonder how in the hell MC dealt with this constantly cluttered space. He could use his busy lifestyle as an excuse, but MC was just as busy as he was and still managed to keep her apartment decent at least.

Zen sprung to his feet in a slight panic as he realized just how little time he had to clean the apartment before her early morning arrival. If he worked efficiently and effectively, he could manage to make the apartment bearable. This meant Zen could not afford to find items he thought were lost and stand around to reminisce about them. He threw his ivory hair into a ponytail as he began to make a mental list of what to focus on first.

Thus, began the long evening of Zen’s cleaning journey. His journey consisted of and is not limited to:

Making a valiant effort to avoid nostalgia but failing miserably every time he would find a lost photo or ticket stub

Wondering how one man could consume so much beer in a short amount of time

Quickly throwing out cigarette boxes found in mysterious places

Being amazed at how much of his and MC’s hair was found lying around

Throwing out all of his sauces because they were expired

Hastily washing, drying, and folding laundry

Putting the dinosaur computer out of its misery

Creating a coin jar for all of the loose change he found

Cursing Yoosung for the amount of potato chip bags and crumbs under the cushion of the couch

Sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming in a near sprint

Tripping over the vacuum cord multiple times

The bathroom

By the time Zen considered his cleaning activities dealt with, he collapsed into clean bedsheets at 5:00 AM. He was startled awake by a loud knock on his apartment door. The sudden, loud noise caused him to jolt out of bed with a loud curse. “Hyun? Are you awake?” The familiar voice soothed the panic in Zen’s chest. It was his MC at the door, waiting to be let in one last time before she had a key of her very own. Just the thought of it brought a lopsided smile to Zen’s face. “Give me a moment, jagiya!” He had his teeth brushed, deodorant on, and a baseball cap on his head in record time before he greeted his jagiya. He laughed lightly when he heard the light pings of a mobile rhythm game MC had played around him a good bit. When he opened the door, he reveled in the sight of her angelic face scrunched up in determination. “Now you give me a moment, “She muttered in sheer concentration, “I’m about to beat this level.” He leaned against the doorway as he watched her. She looked ready to put in some work based on the outfit she chose for the day. Her hair was thrown under a baseball cap, an old paint stained T-shirt he’d seen her take naps in, and a pair of his old grey sweatpants she took from him early in their relationship had never looked so beautiful on her. MC let out a soft “yes” in victory then quickly put her phone in her pocket. Her eyes looked joyous when she lifted her head to speak with him, but they quickly turned concerned when she saw the dark circles under Zen’s eyes. “Zenny, did you get any sleep last night?” She brought her hand up to softly cup his cheek, “You look exhausted.” Zen was caught up peering deeply into the depths of her warm eyes before giving MC a sheepish smile, “I was too excited to sleep.” That was not a lie. He just didn’t want to tell her he spent the entire night frantically cleaning. Her face was slightly flushed in worry, but all of the cleaning he had done the night before was all worth it. Her being happy and comfortable was what mattered most to him. Losing a few hours of sleep was a small price to pay.

His eyes roamed over her face to memorize exactly how she looked before him. This was an important milestone for the two of them, he wanted to make sure he captured the moment. Maybe they could take a picture as a memento if she was not too tired after this.

Over the course of their relationship, Zen wondered if she could get anymore beautiful with each passing day. Today was not an exception. Her face was bare, probably because she knew she would be sweating during the day. She had always been self-conscious without make up, but he could not understand why. She was stunning regardless. He had always told her he would find his jagiya gorgeous whether she wore makeup or not. She looked at him with a glowering expression before standing on her tiptoes to give him a quick peck on the lips. The feeling of her soft lips caused him to lose his train of thought for a moment, so much so, he missed the bill of her baseball cap forcing his own to fall off of his head. She giggled as she leaned back to see his bed head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.” The timbre of her voice was playful as she picked up his hat for him. She handed it back with a content sigh. The look on her face was one he recognized from their time together. This relaxed expression was what she wore when she was curled up on the couch reading her favorite book with a lit candle on the nightstand beside her. This expression meant she felt comfortable. At home.

He took the hat from her gently and placed it back on his head. A newfound energy was flowing through him as he looked down at her serene, beautiful face. He was ready to experience the scenarios he had imagined of her making a place in his home and it looked like she was too. “You ready to start our little adventure, jagiya?” He held out his hand to her as he pushed himself from the doorframe. She took his hand in hers and squeezed it lightly, almost in an unspoken promise. “I’ve been looking forward to this for months, Hyun.”

Hearing his name from her lips filled his chest with pride as he began to lead them down the hallway. “Then let’s make it happen, jagiya.”

With the combined determination of the couple, they were able to move all of her belongings into the apartment by late afternoon. Zen made a point to carry as many boxes as he could to show MC how strong her prince is. He also didn’t want her to overexert herself; his princess deserved to be taken care of.

Now thoroughly exhausted, Zen sat on the couch as he watched MC unpack her belongings while humming to herself. Little trinkets she had collected over the years were piling up on Zen’s coffee table as she organized them by which room they would be in. She looked as if she was already at home. The domestic aura was enough for him to let his mind wander towards the future. Is this what having a family meant?

MC had always had this effect on him, no matter where they were or what they were doing. He didn’t feel the constant need to defend and fight for the right to be loved as he did when he lived with his parents. Since the beginning, MC had always supported Zen and made him feel valued. Hell, after one week she had made him feel more loved than he had ever felt in his life.

This milestone felt like a second chance at finding and building his own family with her.

He was pulled from his thoughts when MC plopped on the couch beside him, pulled her legs underneath her, and leaned into his side. She rested her head on his shoulder as he immediately placed his arm around her.

“Did you clean the apartment for me, Hyun?” Her voice was laced with appreciation as she lifted her head slightly so she could study his face.

His cheeks flushed slightly in embarrassment as he pulled her closer to him. “Well of course, jagiya, my princess deserves the absolute best.” She kissed his cheek before nestling her head back on his shoulder. “It looks wonderful, Hyun. Thank you.” He felt her relax into his side as she looked around the apartment herself. There were still many boxes that needed to be unpacked and almost all of the rooms needed to be rearranged, but they both knew it would all be worth it in the end.

She took his hand in hers and began to idly stroke the inside of his palm. The feeling of her fingers grazing against his skin brought him a sense of peace. He made a soft noise of approval and placed a small kiss on the top of her head. This was exactly what Zen imagined every day since the two had started dating. Just the two of them enjoying each other’s presence, not thinking of when one would have to leave the other.

“Let’s have a relaxing night tonight, Hyun,” MC said in a tranquil voice, “The boxes will be here tomorrow.” Zen’s heart melted at her suggestion. “That sounds absolutely perfect, MC.” The evening consisted of face masks, take out, massages, and a movie marathon before the two dozed off in the each other’s arms on the couch. Just as Zen was dozing off, thoughts of MC feeling like home drifted through his mind.

#mmfluffweek #mmfluffweek2020 #zen hyun ryu #zen x mc #mysme fluff week 2020 #my work

31 notes · View notes

dekuimagines · 5 years

Note

Hi, I love your blog! I was wondering if you can write a breakup head canon with iida, todoroki, and hawks. I barely see anything related to breakups in the bnha fandom, so I thought I'd ask for it. Thank you in advance!

// So i know I haven’t been super active on here lately but this request just really caught my eye okay

tenya iida

It had been nagging at you for a while, you just didn’t feel the same for the sweet navy haired male anymore, you weren’t sure why you had fallen out of love but the spark that was there just wasn’t anymore.

It wasn’t that Iida wasn’t a good guy, he was but maybe he was just too good for you at this moment in time. This was a question that had been nagging you for quite some time and he noticed the shift.

“ Y/N/N “( your nickname) he had called out to you while you were sidetracked once again lost in your thoughts while packing up for the day.

“ Yes Tenya?” you asked breaking from your thoughts as you gave him a quick glance and then looked away.

Another sign in his mind that something was wrong. “ I think we need to talk” he said in a plain manner.

Your heart raced , what did he mean talk? Slowly nodding your head in response you finish packing up and go to his side where he leads you away from the school.

“ So. “ you started your voice low and slow as you waited for the male to start.

“ There is something you want to tell me isn’t there,” he said finally breaking the silence as you looked at him slightly surprised. You forgot how smart he was sometimes and that even if he seemed oblivious he noticed things, especially things about you.

“ I ...yes there is. “ you finally said as you looked over at your loving boyfriend, you wished your heart raced like it used to but all you felt was this sickening guilt as the phrase left your lips.

“ I think we need to break-up” you said looking away hands gripping your backpack straps tightly.

Tenya, someone who always had something to say, some kind of input was for once in his life, silent. There was a hurt look on his face which he quickly hid it. “ I see, well. I respect your decision but could you possibly tell me what I’ve done wrong?” he asked keeping his voice steady.

As much as he tried to hide it though you saw straight through it the gaping hole in your chest growing wider and becoming cavernous. “ You did nothing wrong, “ you said not able to hide the waver like your counterpart. “ But I simply don’t feel the same way anymore and you deserve someone better. “ the last part you said barely above a whisper. “ I want you to be with someone who has the same amount of passion towards you as you have towards them and I’m afraid I’m just not that person” you finished.

It felt like his heart was breaking in two as he nodded his head. “ I understand. “ he said “ Have a good day....... (y/n/n) i mean ( y/l/n) “ and with that, he left.

It took some time, but slowly things turned back to normal, it turned out to be for the best and you and Iida are still very close friends but there might always be this tug in both of your hearts that you ignore till possibly a later time * wink wink *

Shoto Todoroki

It started out as small things, Shoto would take longer to text you then usual and his eyes seemed to wander when you were speaking to him as if he wasn’t really listening.

Then the excuses, it was a tradition to go on a small date or just hang out with each other for a couple of hours every Tuesday, to catch up since you were both busy with trying to be heroes. You respected that and he respected that you were also busy but he started to skip out on those too.

What you didn’t expect though was for him to pull you aside after class and saying those fateful words.

“ I think we should stop seeing each other” his voice was cold and Stonic, it held no emotion as you looked at him with wide eyes.

Of course, you should have expected it, all the signs were there, staring at you mocking you yet you had foolishly ignored them.

“ Did you hear me ( Y/L/N) “ he asked snapping you from your melancholy thoughts.

“ Yes, I heard you, “ you said in a small voice. You couldn’t even look at him.

“ Good so you agree,” he said, how could he have no emotion, it was like he was going through the steps almost as if someone had coached him on how to do it rather then his own thoughts.

“ Agree? Why would I agree? “ you finally spatted out and looked up to see that cool composure of his start to split for a second.

“ I thought you would because it’s clear that we don’t work,” he said as he shook his head.

“ That’s because you stopped trying!” you raised your voice causing some eyes to fall on you but you ignored them. “ I put in so much effort but I can’t put in 90% all the time sometimes you have to care too, god, I love you Shoto,” you said tears pouring out of your eyes.

“ But perhaps we have different forms of love “ you finally said as the other nodded his head keeping his face clear of emotion.

“ Yes I suppose that might be” he said in a steady voice as you gritted your teeth.

“ I suppose, god how can you be so emotionless at a time like this, yes alright let’s stop seeing each other, don’t talk to me ever again you hear me Todoroki” you shouted at him as you pushed him away before leaving.

As you left he finally broke a stray tear falling down his cheek as he shook his head looking down at the text message from an unknown number.

“ I broke up with them are you happy now, “

“ Very, remember this is for their safety”

( sorry i like adding spice and i also was reading a comic earlier that just gave me the idea)

Kiego Takami ( Hawks)

Was dating a pro hero hard? Of course, it was, but Kiego always made it worth it, he was charming funny and had no problem keeping you a secret from the public.

Though it seemed to keep you a secret from the villains was a little bit harder as they were just a little too intelligent and he had to make a choice, your happiness or your safety.

The answer was clear in his mind as he called you to his apartment to do the one deed that he was already regretting.

You were excited to see your boyfriend of a year and a half now since he had been so busy lately that you were so fast to get to his apartment upon his call with a tub of fried chicken in tow.

Ringing the doorbell you rocked back and forth waitng to see that warm smiling face that you had come to love, though that wasn’t what you were greeted with.

Keigo couldn’t hide the sober look on his face as the door opened it felt like his heart was shattering as he saw that bright smile on your face falter, oh god you even brought his favorite chicken. He really didn’t deserve you.

“ What’s wrong Kiego?” you asked softly cocking your head to the side while he sighed softly.

“ (Y/N) we need to talk,” he said as he opened the door wider to let you in. He was always under surveillance so this was risky what he was about to do.

“ Sure of course” you said though hesitant you walked into the apartment.

“ We can’t be together anymore, I just I don’t love you and I’ve been playing you this entire time I can’t believe you haven't seen that,” he said as your heart shattered into pieces.

“ Kiego, “ you started you wanted him to put that goofy smile on his face, tell you that he was just kidding, this was a joke right? It had to be.

“ I think it’s better if we stop seeing each other, you were just a burden anyway” his voice was cold as he hides all emotion from his face.

“ You’re joking this is some kind of joke right?” you ask now desperate.

“ No joke baby, “ he said clicking his tongue in annoyance.

“ Kiego..... please” you tried to reason as he rolled his eyes causing your heart to break even more.

Taking a step closer he parted his lips to whisper in your ear. “ I really am sorry but I need you to leave this apartment crying, this will explain everything” slipping a note into your jacket pocket he takes a step back and snatched the bucket.

Tears welled up in your eyes but at this point, you weren’t sure if they were happy or sad tears as you nodded your head. “ Goodbye Kiego” you finally say as you leave the apartment tears kept pouring down your face as you walked back to your own apartment.

Reaching into your coat you fumbled to pull out the note.

I still love you, but it’s not safe right now, I promise that once things are taken care of I will come back for you.

Holding the note tightly, “ Please be careful “ you mumbled as you get to sleep.

#todoroki x reader #shoto todoroki x reader #tenya iida x reader #iida x reader #iida tenya x reader #tenya x reader #bnha spoilers #hawks x reader #kiego takami x reader #takami x reader #bnha hawks x reader #todoroki shoto x reader

446 notes · View notes

mesmeret · 4 years

Text

Femlux: The Rise and Fall of E-Girl Hux

Inspired by a tweet from starsshine77 Fem!Kylo and Fem!Hux with catfishing, internet trolling, Diva Hux, and crybaby Kylo.

Still thinking of e-girl troll Hux. She has a vid of her wearing novelty vampire teeth and chewing on strawberries. She looks all innocent despite posing in her dark corner set up wearing a blood soaked dress. The caption says "i wuv vegans uwu save the earth!"

She composes these videos wanting to shock and confuse as many people as possible. She loves the high.

Kylo knew her in the K-8 private school they went to. Kylo had been in awe of the snooty older girl. When Kylo got her first laptop, she started following Hux's descent into trolling and performative arts. Hux would talk on her blog about how much she loved going to school wearing a normie flesh suit and then shedding it after school.

When Hux went to college for her MBA, she wasn't very active online. Kylo was dismayed but kept checking her blog. When Kylo is 19, Hux posts that she's starting a makeup and fashion channel. Kylo is startled to see that all of Hux's old internet presence is gone. Kylo was glad she saved all of the photos to a hard drive to prove that those years existed.

Kylo is Hux's first subscriber. She's so embarrassed thinking Hux is going to show up and confront her about it. But nothing happens.

Kylo works at a cafe while going to community college while Hux is making herself look like a living doll. The 24 yo doesn't say much about her life. Just off hand comments like:

"This mascara really stays on when you cry in the toilets at work."

"Sometimes you have to wear a mask around men."

"I hate the New York stench. So I use this perfume."

Kylo's pillows get two spurts of the perfume each week.

It's around this time Kylo realizes she's in love. She feels silly that she hadn't noticed it earlier, but she's always been slow.

Hux posts a video about once every two weeks. Kylo watches and studies each one voraciously. Hux slowly goes back to her cynical, dark self. Kylo missed it dearly while others find it disturbing.

Hux offers livestreams and Kylo rearranges her work schedule to attend with an alternate account. In Kylo's rush, she chose a very fit male torso as her profile pic.

The livestream is a shit show. Chat is accusing Hux of things while Hux slings insults at them. The service ends the stream and bans Hux.

Hux's next yt video does not mention the stream at all. She's chipper and cheeky as she does a clothes haul. Kylo is in awe. If she was in Hux's position, she'd have to be institutionalized for severe depression. Instead Hux is beaming at the camera saying the day's date and how much she loves this day. Kylo wonders why and goes down a rabbit hole to discover Mr. Hux passed away last year due to a heart attack.

Kylo uses her alt account and DMs Hux that she loves her smile. Kylo stares at the screen in shock that she sent the message. But she did.

Two hours later, Hux writes back with 'I give you something to smile about, fuckwad.'

Kylo types lightning fast before fully comprehending Hux's words, 'Oh yes please do.'

A couple minutes later, 'For real?'

Kylo bites her lip, 'Please.'

They fall into a weird pattern of Kylo complementing Hux and Hux replying in insults.

As Kylo turns 21, Hux becomes an overnight sensation on a viral platform. Kylo is wrapping up her accounting bachelors degree and nearly fails her midterms due to watching Hux's daily vids.

Their routine takes another turn when Hux starts sending Kylo photos of outfits. Hux would rarely wear the ones Kylo picked.

After a stressful day, Kylo is thrilled to see Hux wearing the checkered bra peaking out of a tight black body suit. 'Thank you. You made my day.'

Hux responds with a puke emoji and a very suggestive pic of the body suit unzipped. Her pale belly glowed. Kylo wrote back, 'My whole year is made. Beautiful. Thank you.'

Hux doesn't reply until next week.

Hux becomes a global phenomenon. Kylo is worried. She catches herself wanting to type 'are you okay?' But doesn't feel like it's her place.

Then the joke that got out of hand happens the next year.

Kylo's alternate account became a true catfish in order to be a top tier patron of Hux.

Kylo declines the video chat perks but wants the bathwater.

------

Hux's life sucks. She's never been happy. Never even had the chance to recognize it, really. She liked things but would get bored or hurt sooner than later.

It was weird that some girl from her hometown became her number one fan. Hux had no idea until a year into talking with Kylo in her DMs. She was stupidly catching feelings for this supposed guy who was nothing but supportive and kind to her. She wanted to know who he was, but he was very shy and declined to answer.

She had been partying after big sale with the sales team when she bumped into a guy that recognized her from the internet. He simpered at how amazingly scary she was. Intrigued, she got to know that he worked at a background company. She offered to use him if he gave her the info on this Kylo Ren guy.

It was nice to vent her frustrations of being catfished on the guy. Mitch was his name? She never saw him again since the morning after.

But she couldn't confront the weird goth girl from her hometown. Hux liked the compliments too much. They kept her going.

And as her corporate job found out her internet life along with the rest of the world, she needed Kylo desperately.

The suggestive photo was a shot in the dark. She had no idea if Kylo saw her as a gal pal or a /gal pal/. Hux returned to their hometown to see Kylo from a far after the Beautiful comment. Hux was stunned to see how tall Kylo is.

Kylo's social media only had two photos of herself. One of her at High school graduation and another of her tagged in her mom's second marriage. The former photo was her at a distance walking up to receive her diploma and the other was her sitting uncomfortably.

Hux couldn't enter the cafe. Kylo's snaggle tooth smile as two kids ordered something made Hux feel like the Grinch. She turned around and stomped back to her rental car feeling like an idiot.

It lessened when she got her first brand deal the next day. Money is one hell of an aphrodisiac.

Then the bathwater...

...and Kylo pouring it down her ample cleavage. The water shimmered down the sloping belly with the filter Kylo was using. It joined the rest of the frothy bathwater. Hux was bummed Kylo's mound was hidden below the surface.

'Now that's some bathwater I could drink for days.'

She smirked at Kylo's reply: 'I am so sorry for lying to you all this time. I didn't know it would ever get this far. Please don't hate me!'

'Sweetie, I just told you I'd drink your bathwater. I like you. You're sexy af.'

'Oh. Uh, thanks. You, too.'

'I knew who you were for a while.'

'Oh! Wow. Would you prefer if I was a guy?'

'No. Never.'

Hux frowned as twenty minutes went by, 'You good?'

'Yeah, I was crying. You're so special to me.'

Hux felt flushed instead of her usual reaction of 'Oh, get over it.' Kylo was genuine.

As Hux's businesses crumbled due to a volley of harassment and misconceptions, she knew she had a golden parachute. She cut her hair to a severe pixie cut after finalizing her business arrangements. She packed up her condo the next day and put it on the market the following day.

She rented a car on the fourth day and drove back to her hometown with her favorite clothes. Kylo was unaware of what she was up to and was sending sweet words of encouragement three times a day.

Hux pulls into Kylo's apartment complex feeling dead tired. But she wants this moment to be truly special. So she changes into an outfit that Kylo loved. Her strawberry school girl outfit, her orange tabby cat ears, and her pink faux fur coat. Her feet hurt too much for heels and she wants to enjoy Kylo's extra height. She grabs two of her suitcases and heads up to Kylo's apartment. Taking a deep breath, she knocks.

Kylo answers the door in a sports bra and pj pants. She stares at Hux dumbfounded before squeaking a hello. Hux sighs, "If you don't hug me in the next-"

Kylo pulls her into a hug and Hux hums appreciating their height difference. Kylo's chest feels just right against her own and Kylo's hands are so big!

"Wait a minute... why do you smell like my old perfume?"

Kylo blushes, "I, um... been following you for a while?"

Hux nods slowly before getting her voice back, "Well, now you won't need to follow me. I'm moving in."

Kylo pulls away trying to form words for a moment, "Really?!"

"Deadly," Hux gestures at her suitcases. "I've got four more in the car."

Kylo turns away but can't hide the sobs. Hux feels a wave of discomfort and has no idea what to do.

"I, uh, will get my things?"

Kylo looks over her shoulder, "Y-yeah, I'll go clean things up for you in the guest room."

Hux's stomach drops but Kylo hadn't rejected her completely.

When she has all six suitcases and two boxes of shoes in the living room, Kylo is crying silently while making pasta. "You can put your stuff in the room to the left. I'm making cheesy pasta for dinner. That works for you?"

Hux almost objected but remembered she doesn't have to maintain her skin anymore, "Sounds good."

She moves her clothes and sees the guest bed is a twin with Wonder Woman sheets. The primary colors are bold. Not at all Hux's aesthetic. But she wasn't going to complain. Instead she threw her pink coat over the coverlet. She went back to the kitchen area where Kylo was still crying.

"Allergies?" Hux asked.

"No. You're here and it's so amazing. Wow," Kylo sighs taking Hux in. Her nose and cheeks were exactly what Hux and all the other e-girls were trying to achieve. "You're here."

"For good. Had to liquidate everything. No more internet for me," Hux threw her hands up.

Kylo blinked, "Are you in danger? I, um, saw what those guys tried to do..."

Hux shook her head, "Nah, I'm gonna go by my real mother's surname and get used to people calling me Armie."

Kylo nods and pours pasta into the boiling water. Hux moves closer, "Like my hair?"

Kylo startles but nods, "Can I touch?"

Hux nods back and removes the cat ears. Kylo smiles shyly as she runs her hand through Hux's short hair. Hux mumbles, "Sorry you weren't able to feel it when it was long."

Kylo blushed, "It makes your cheek bones amazing."

Hux wants to blurt out 'Kiss them! Kiss me!' But Kylo is already awkwardly kissing her. Hux has to tilt her head up slightly and takes advantage of her balance slip to hold onto Kylo's broad hips. Kylo kisses her slowly, gently but commanding. Hux has to follow. There's no wiggle room like with everyone else. She started shifting her hips feeling arousal burn deep. Kylo pulls away with a satisfied sigh before stirring the pasta. Hux bit her lip. She wasn't going to scream. Her stomach was perking up after the long day of packing and driving.

Kylo wordlessly guided them to the couch with two heaping bowls of cheesy pasta. Kylo kissed her forehead before whispering, "Water okay?"

Hux nodded and watched Kylo's backside jiggle slightly with each step.

They kissed each other good night two hours later. Kylo tried to give Hux the wi-fi pw but Hux declined. She had gotten rid of her phone, iPad, and laptop. Kylo had squeezed her hand and told her things would get better.

Hux believed her. Especially when they ended up in Kylo's bed the next night. They hadn't done anything more than cuddling and kissing before falling asleep. The next day, Hux's new accounts were open with the money she was able to move from her past. She could've easily lived the rest of her life on the money. But Kylo's CPA study books caught her eye. She had a MBA with a focus on finances. When Kylo came home that day, Hux announced they were going to be accountants together. Her money could be put towards their business rent. Kylo cried for an hour before she could speak in clear sentences. Hux petted her hair while watching TV.

"That would be pretty fucking awesome, Hux," Kylo whispers.

Hux smiles, "I know."

Kylo sits up and wipes her face before kissing Hux, "Does mean you'll have to interact with people and be on the internet."

Hux shrugs, "Numbers are concise aside from human error."

Kylo's smile grows, "Fucking nerd."

Hux giggles, "Yes, fuck this nerd."

#kylux #femlux #kissing #e-girl aesthetic #soft #and then they were accountants

1 note · View note

putschki1969 · 5 years

Note

Hello, Sara. My name is Claire and I am also a huge fan of Kalafina. In the light of their disband (I dont wanna use this word this makes me sad :( ), I still listen their music every single day. With all my Kalafina enthusiasm, your detail information about Kalafina was really helpful and cleared few things up in my mind. While I have been reading your posts, there are a lot of your thoughts and feelings toward Kalafina that I agree with. So I do appreciate your effort and kindness.

Okay, this is my first time I am using tumblr. didnt know they have limited number of words. So my question is that I know you posted that why Yuki Kajiura left Space Craft due the change of her manager if I remember correctly. And the manager did not allow Kajiura to make music in her own preferences. Do you think this intervention affected Kajiura’s work afterwards. Because when far on the water was released, I thought the way she composes music was a lot different than before.

Hello Claire!

Yes, disbandment does sound very final so it’s really not a word I enjoy hearing in relation to Kalafina. However, I understand why Space Craft decided to use that term. It was time for them to make a clear cut so they could move forward.

No matter what, I am positive that one day they will stand on stage together (even if it is just for a single reunion-live). It will probably take years but it’s definitely going to happen.

Just like you I still listen to Kalafina and their solo projects regularly. I know some people find it painful to relive the old days but I personally find nothing but joy diving into Kalafina’s world again and again.

I am really glad my posts have been helpful. After all, spreading Kalafina-love is the sole purpose of this blog.

Yeah, sorry, Tumblr has quite a lot of character-limits when it comes to asks/messages/replies. Unlike many other social media platforms, Tumblr has not been designed with a focus on interaction (which is probably one of the reasons I chose to create my blog here XD).

Yes, Yuki’s long-time manager Mori ended up leaving Space Craft which in turn led to Yuki ending her contract as well. He had always given her some measure of free rein to do what she wanted. Generally speaking they have always been pretty close. In many of her old and new interviews Yuki talks a lot about wanting to have full control over what she creates. Which is why she was super excited to get the Kalafina project for Kara no Kyoukai. Space Craft put their faith in her and as we know, Yuki spun them gold. That’s not to say that she had control over everything. Creatively speaking, yes, I think she was allowed to make whatever she felt was best. However, the concept of Kalafina as we know them is almost entirely Space Craft’s brainchild. Yuki never meant to form a group with steady members and she definitely did not intend for the singers themselves to have so much spotlight. Let’s not forget, for Yuki, vocalists are really nothing more than human instruments. That’s totally fine of course but Space Craft knew that Kalafina wouldn’t have had a long life expectancy if things had gone according to Yuki’s vision. As a business-minded agency they naturally decided to use typical idol marketing strategies to promote Kalafina. It started with little things but gradually Kalafina became more and more “commercial” if you will. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not a bad thing. Good music alone unfortunately isn’t enough to survive in the Japanese music industry, you have to cater to the masses. And that’s what they did. Endless photo-heavy merch, lots of mainstream anime tie-ins, more elaborate stage productions, tons of appearances in popular events/TV programs etc…It’s those things that made their fanbase grow considerably which eventually led to them being able to perform THREE times at Nippon Budokan.

So yeah, what I am trying to say is that while Yuki gradually lost control over Kalafina as a “product” I don’t believe she ever yielded an inch when it came to her creative process. All the music she wrote was written because she wanted to write it, I am convinced of that. She doesn’t strike me as the type of person to phone in her work. Yes, her style has undergone some changes throughout the years (which weren’t always met with appreciation by fans) but for the most part I would say she has stayed faithful to her unique style (which most gifted composers do).

When “far on the water” was produced and released back in 2015 Mori was still Yuki’s manager and everything was perfectly fine. Any changes you might have noticed were absolutely on purpose. No one made Yuki do anything or guided her in a particular direction. This album is entirely her own vision and she loved making it, she has talked a lot about that in various interviews. She was also brimming over with further ideas for a new album which she was eager to produce (but alas, that never happened).

Things didn’t start falling apart until early 2017 when Mori left Space Craft (things didn’t seem to be perfectly peachy in late 2016 either but that’s reaching a bit too far). The changes from then onwards were very visible. Mori stopped being featured in the FictionJunction Club newsletters, the launch of Kalafina’s very own fan club Harmony was announced, all sorts of YK Lives went on hiatus, Kalafina’s 6th studio album which technically would have been due that year was never made, all focus went into increasing Kalafina’s live activities. I cannot say if at that point everyone had already predicted Kalafina’s fate and Space Craft were just milking the cow for all it’s worth or if that was a genuine effort to keep Kalafina alive as long as possible. I am leaning towards something in the middle of these two options. I think everyone involved had hoped for a better ending (or rather - no ending at all) but along the way (autumn 2017 I would say) it became clear to them that it wouldn’t work out.

I never outright said that the new management didn’t allow Yuki to do her own thing. Honestly, I have no idea if whoever replaced Mori was planning to take control of Yuki’s music. I suspect however that the new management might have wanted to take more of a lead which definitely would have put off Yuki… While tabloid articles have talked about creative differences between Yuki and the new manager, Yuki herself has never confirmed that that was the reason for her leaving (not that she ever would even if it were true). Yuki did however confirm in one of her FictionJunction Station newsletters that she no longer felt comfortable going on tour since she didn’t have the people around that she could trust. Maybe for a similar reason she didn’t feel like making a new Kalafina album which is why they had to focus so heavily on live activities that year.We are all creatures of habit. Yuki seems to only feel comfortable with Mori around. That’s fine. The only logical thing to do for her was follow his lead and leave Space Craft. Unfortunately she couldn’t take Kalafina with her so they ended up being collateral damage…*sighs*

And here we have another essay, sorry about that. it wasn’t my intention to write so much. My point is that I believe that in her time with Space Craft nothing/no one affected Yuki’s creative work, from the very first song “oblivious” right up until “Tombo” all songs are 100% Yuki and they were written/composed with much love, effort and dedication. Fans may not like everything she has created throughout the years but that’s just how life works. They have a hard time computing the fact that their favourite composer might have changed to an extent that they can’t appreciate anymore or that they themselves have developed different preferences. In such cases fans are eager to find someone to blame for that. Since they would rather not blame their idol Yuki they resort to blaming Space Craft. Space Craft have certainly done a lot of shitty stuff throughout the years but it would never cross my mind to make them responsible for Yuki’s music because that has always been under her control.

Really, you shouldn’t be blaming anyone. These things happen, people change, people fall out of love with something. It’s easy to complain and lament the old days but what you have to do is just accept it, move forward and find something else.

#kalafina #reply #yuki kajiura #long text post #random talking #space craft #clairea1009 #sunday musings

17 notes · View notes

dead-golden · 5 years

Text

I still love you, mom!

//Warning: Suicide, blood, sharp things, cutting, depression, Angst because I could. Also I never really have much experience in emotions, so I wanna try it. I barely write anymore so just expect bad writing as well!!

‘Good morning @sadcat5555!! You probably are already awake, but I just woke up! I hope you see this post! But if you don’t, I still love you mum!!’

The clacking of my keyboard turns to a stop as I wrote the tenth post on Tumblr trying to contact the only person I felt like a friend. I add tags to try and steer off any true intent my heart manages to shine into the post and clicked post, continuing on with my day. Nothing in response happened that day.

A reblog of one of their posts with the response, ‘Amazing mum!’ and more statements of me fanboying over their work to try and seem as if nothing was happening to my mental being. Not even a message. Is this my 40th time trying to contact them? How long has it been since we ever engaged in conversation?

‘Hello, mum!! I hope you’ve been having a swell time! I’m sorry if I’m just bothering you! If you don’t see this, I still love you @sadcat5555!!’ I add tags again, clicking post and continuing on with whatever I consider my life. It’s been, what? Two months now? Two months, possibly over 70 messages to her through posts, and neither of them ever had a reply. Not even a like showing they acknowledged it.

Wondering if they just haven’t been online is an often common question, but the answer is always no. They have always been active on Tumblr as they usually are. They’ve even reblogged a few posts that I’ve reblogged. Just never my own.

So it gets me wondering darker thoughts. Are they just ignoring me personally? Am I really bothering them? I try to reassure myself. Maybe I’m just shadow blogged or something? My logic comes back, many people have liked your personal stuff in the past two months, there is no way you could have been shadow blogged.

I give up trying to reassure myself and tried to dig deeper into my thoughts on why they never respond.

It all leads to just one statement. I got too clingy.

I got too clingy, and in the fault of that, they drifted away from me like anyone else. They thought of giving themselves some space of their own, then realized that it’s better off with me out of their life permanently.

But even so, I couldn’t handle something like that. So I kept being optimistic and hoped on still water to move.

‘Hey mum!! I hope you are having a fantastical day! I still love you!!’

My messages became shorter. I stopped tagging her at this point. Four months has it been?

Schools out, and I have no other reason to go out of my room and do anything productive. My family is off doing whatever they planned without me this summer while I stay at home. My Grandparents were busy this summer so I couldn’t visit them this time.

I rarely ate, I didn’t have the energy, nor care. I felt nothing but faint fear these past weeks. No, I wasn’t in real danger, but my greatest fear has always been the most I’ve experienced in my life. Abandonment, and after desperately trying to keep someone I held so dearly as a friend, that fear is crawling from my past into my skin to remind me that no matter how hard I try no one can ever stand me enough to stay.

‘Bye, mom. I still love you. Mom.’

I gave up. I couldn’t handle anything anymore. I don’t have anyone anymore in my life.

My parents kicked me out before I could even pack my stuff, I had difficulty getting a proper paying job that is close enough to my apartment that I barely was able to pay out of my pocket (don’t question that I have a lot of money on hand due to my parents not allowing me access to my bank account) more or less could get with my young age. All my friends stopped talking to me stating that my energy was too negative and toxic, my girlfriend broke up with me saying I was too depressing for her mental health, and everyone on the internet has ignored me as I stopped with any of my cryptic speakings and flat out started asking for help desperately. I tried a suicidal hotline but they never believed me because my voice barely had any emotions compared to what I told them.

My only hope left was the one person who I thought would have stayed my friend until the end.

I type in the tags ‘goodbye’ and ‘sorry’.

I decided to tag them one more time, and with the final message posted, I got everything ready and double checked everything.

I was going to wait, in hopes of finally having someone there for me. I give them an hour. They never responded.

I’ve always have been patient in my life, but the pain was never something I could wait out. Especially when it increases every second of my life.

Their time was up, they’ve been active this hour, and they never responded. They never really cared, as I expected, I have no one.

I grabbed the sharp blade in my hand, a blade I’ve been looking for throughout my entire life ever since I was a tween.

Sharp enough to cut my skin with a light drag.

I brought it to my neck, dragging it harshly from point A to point B. Everything stung while my body desperately tried to take in air as blood splattered everywhere.

My head pounds as I shakily bring the knife up to my left wrist, dragging to from there to the inner portion of my elbow. I felt tears fall down my face and my heart picks up in speed along with breathing. I switch hands and do the same to my right arm.

I look at my blurry computer screen and smile, hoping everyone a good day.

Then I see the notification I never thought I would ever see in my life.

The familiar shape of someone you following reblogging your post, and the oh so familiar profile aside it.

I felt tears fall at a faster rate as I decide to lay down a bit. My head felt dizzy and my eyes felt tired. I think it’s fine to sleep now, right? The blood feels so warm and inviting.

I love you... mum...

That was fun.

#don't worry about me my brain just randomly got a big creative writing moment and i might as well let this angsty story unravel #at least before i lose any and all words to write with #mod ash #ash writes #my writing #angst #tw #trigger warning #trigger warnings #tw suicide #tw blood loss #shitty writing

14 notes · View notes

rolereversalclassifieds · 6 years

Text

Preferred Name: Artemis (a name I used to go by online :D)

Gender: Female

Age: 21

Location: Germany

Type of relationship:

Friendship/Longterm relationship. I don’t do FWB or casual relationships, so I’m looking for either something serious or friends. Also, I’m very much monogamous.

Are you okay with long-distance relationships?

Yes, but only if there is a realistic chance we will be able to meet up eventually.

A bit about yourself:

Physically, I’m 160cm/5ft3 and currently at 58kg. Brown eyes, brown hair (shoulder-length), pale. My style can fluctuate a little between more feminine/masculine. I like comfortable clothes most of the time (I looove flannel) but occasionally I do like to dress up.

I’m a university student and pretty passionate about it so a lot of my time is spent on my studies. Apart from that I love to read everything I can get my hands on, non-fiction books, fiction (love the classics), blogs, even fan-fiction. I also love to write and have recently started to get into photography. I really enjoy cooking/baking, used to play video games but I don’t really find the time anymore. I’m an introvert, so I spend a lot of time at home but I enjoy going out with friends, too, especially on the weekends. Occasionally, we go out drinking as a group, although most times I just meet with them one on one.

For more active hobbies, I like to go to the gym, go hiking in the woods and play badminton. I’m interested in a lot of different topics, ranging from history to linguistics to natural sciences and whatnot. I enjoy comedy a lot, I’m a huge fan of British comedy especially. If I’m feeling lazy, I just binge-watch YouTube videos. I’m a dog person but love cats and other animals as well. I like to travel and have been to a few places already, but I’m definitely planning on seeing more in the future.

I consider myself generally cheerful; I tend to laugh and smile a lot around friends, although I would say I’m naturally more pessimistic. I’ve worked for years on gaining a more positive outlook on life and I do think I’m doing a decent job of that. People seem to feel comfortable around me and I’m good at putting them at ease. I would say I’m a good judge of character and often able to tell how people are feeling/what mood they are in just from their behaviour. I can be a little stubborn (okay, a lot) and sarcastic, although I’m very conscious of not hurting people with my words.

Honesty and open communication are very important to me in any relationship, whether it’s a friendship or a romantic partnership. I want to know what my partner likes/doesn’t like, if something hurt them etc. I do believe problems can be solved by calm and rational discussions rather than by arguing. I tend to be very protective of those I care about and like to check on them often. I’m a bit of a perfectionist, so I can get frustrated when things don’t work out on the first try. I would also consider myself to be something of a workaholic; it’s easy for me to lose track of time once I’m really immersed in my work.

I love learning new things and I do try to improve myself continuously. I treat people with kindness and I would say I have an even temper but I’m absolutely not a pushover and will definitely defend myself if someone tries to push my buttons. I tend to be pretty talkative with friends and I’m able to hold a conversation easily.

Additionally, I’m also what some might consider a closeted romantic, I don’t think people would expect me to be but I enjoy doing all these sappy things for my partner when I’m in a relationship, like writing notes for them to find or buying their favourite pastry just because I know they will enjoy it.

I’m bi and have previously only been in relationships with women, mainly because I prefer to assume the role that is typically played by the man in straight relationships and I can’t see myself ever being happy in a relationship where I would be forced to change that and conform to society’s expectations in this regard. That means I prefer being the one to ask out my partner, being the one who plans dates, buys gifts (maybe even flowers if that is something my partner enjoys?), and I generally enjoy taking care of my partner.

I love being the big spoon; I love it when my partner is the ‘pretty’ one in the relationship (not that I don’t think I’m good-looking, just that I love it when I can make my partner feel like the most beautiful person in the world).

I would identify as a complete top (so I don’t think we will be a good match if you’re a switch/hoping to switch, sorry). That means, you should be sexually receptive.

Things you’d like in a partner:

I’m looking for someone who is in general just kind and gentle and sensitive. I absolutely adore shyness in guys and I’m very attracted to those that are confident enough in themselves that they don’t care about society’s notions about how men are supposed to behave.

Someone who will let me take care of him, who lets me shower him with affection and lets me call him 'beautiful’ or 'cute’. Someone who is open with his emotions or at least making an effort to be as open about them as he can. Someone who is passionate about his interests and hobbies and likes to talk about them and who, in turn, will also enjoy listening to whatever his partner has to say. Someone who has a sense of humour, who is thoughtful and compassionate.

Someone who, like me, tries to be positive (even if it’s not always successful, that’s okay! We can both try to work towards it) and generally also wants to improve himself. Someone who can hold his end of the conversation. I do enjoy initiating things a lot, but nobody likes to feel like their efforts are in vain because the other party doesn’t show any interest. Someone who will also put in effort into making the relationship work and who is also willing to support his partner.

Physically, I’m looking for someone who is around my age and has a cute face and butt :D I love skinny guys, but more muscular is fine as well, as long as you’re not overweight. I don’t really care about height; someone around my height would be lovely but I realise that most guys are way taller than me so it’s no big deal either way! I do adore guys that are feminine while still male-presenting, if that makes sense (that is, I’m not interested in crossdressing apart from cute panties, sorry!). I really don’t like body hair and prefer 'twinks’ (those are just my preferences and are not meant to hurt anyone!). But even if you appear more masculine outwardly, it doesn’t mean I won’t be attracted to you, I’ve found it’s mostly the 'energy’ that someone has that makes me attracted to them.

Even if you don’t fit this description 100%, message me anyway! I realise we all have things we still struggle with, so even if you’re not someone who’s always confident sharing his emotions with others (for example) that doesn’t mean I won’t be interested in talking to you at all!

What I look for in a relationship:

I’m looking to have a relationship that is built on mutual trust and support, in which both partners are honest and caring and both can be themselves around the other. A relationship that feels 'comfortable’, that is built on a strong friendship. Positivity and loyalty are also super important and the Feeling that both partners put in equal amounts of effort so it won’t end up being too one-sided. A relationship that involves a lot of open communication, I want to be able to have both serious conversations and to laugh freely and frequently. It would be nice if we both complemented each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Emotional stability is important as well. Since I’m a university student and I work part-time it means that I don’t always have as much time as I would like to be with my partner, but I will always try to make as much time as I can and to tell in advance if there’s an exam (or something similar) that will be getting in the way of this. I would hope that both of us still had interests/friends/hobbies outside of the relationship and that both of us could also respect the other’s need for alone-time every once in a while. Ideally, I would prefer a relationship with someone who doesn’t mind staying in and just cuddling or being 'alone together’ most of the time but who still likes to go out on fun dates occasionally.

Kinks:

Definitely a lot that falls under GFD. I’m open to talking about this more in depth but keep in mind that I would only consider actually engaging in any of this with a long-term partner so please don’t message me if that’s the only thing you’re after.

Anything you’d like to add:

Thank you for reading all of this! I realise this is pretty long, but I hope it gives an idea of who I am and what I am looking for!

Message me:

I don’t check tumblr as often as I should so please use this e-mail to contact me: [email protected]

#gender: female #relationship: long distance #relationship: long term #relationship: friendship #submission #location: Germany

23 notes · View notes

xswestallen · 6 years

Text

Protection: Chpater 4

WestAllen bodyguard AU

The fallout of Iris’ exposé on a gang with political ties makes her a target. She thought the death threats would stop, but they only turned into real attacks. After an attempt on her life, she needs someone to protect her. The Flash is the only one up for the job.

In this AU, Barry and Iris don’t know each other. But, Iris still wrote about The Flash and he still saved her on a number of occasions.

(chapter 1) (chapter 2) (chapter 3)

Achieve of Our Own

A/N: This chapter is from Barry’s POV

It’s a long one, but read till the end for a very important moment!

A blur of sloppily written threats dazed Barry. He struggled to read the note Iris held before him due to the erratic shaking of her hands.

“They’re going to drug me and frame it as an overdose!” She cried. “That’s what they mean by saying addiction runs in the family. I know they could get away with it too.”

Barry took the note from her and analyzed it. Iris continued her nervous stream of conscious.

“They’ve probably done it a million times before. Those students who overdosed were probably targets too. It’s not like The 75 don’t have access to Vertigo, or Green Light, or whatever other drug they need to cause painful but inconspicuous murders. I bet they- What are you doing?”

In 0.04 of a second, Barry had run to his forensic lab at CCPD and returned.

“Sorry to run out on you like that.” He told Iris, opening his kit. “I have to dust for prints.”

“What do fingerprints matter?” Iris asked, indignantly. “We know who sent the note!”

“Iris, evidence is still important. With fingerprints we can identify the who in The 75 wrote and delivered it.” Barry tried to explain.

“Do you even know what you’re doing?”

“Yes. I’ve had training in forensic science.” He informed her.

“Have you? They teach that at the superhero academy?”

Forcing himself to concentrate on dusting the note, Barry didn’t acknowledge that statement.

“You can run like 1,000 miles an hour. Why can’t you run around the entire city, gather up every known 75 member, and bring drop them off in interrogation rooms? Let the real police handle” Iris did air quote in mocker, “the evidence”

Barry knew she was only saying these things out of fear, so he held back his frustration.

“The 75 has members across the country, a lot of them, the most dangerous of them, the kind that would send this note, aren’t known members. You of all people should know that, Iris. You’re the one who exposed them.”

For a minute, Iris was quiet. Barry worried he’d been too short with her. He was used to helping people when they were scared. But, he was not used to having to console people who were scared because the thing they’re scared of is something he’s not sure how to stop. Central City always had faith in him, and he knew that.

Iris always had faith in him, and that was what helped Barry most.

When Iris spoke again, her tone had changed. No longer sour, her words came out like ‘Eureka!’

“I didn’t expose them all…”

Puzzled, Barry looked at her, and she elaborated.

“Think about it, I exposed our Mayor, our Congressman, the assistant DA, but there’s got to be more of them out there. You said it yourself, the most dangerous members are the ones nobody would suspect could be involved, until now. Until my story showed people that there are 75 members hiding in plain sight.”

A smile dared to cross her face as she finished, “I used to think they were threatening me because they were angry. Now, I think it’s because they’re scared!”

It made perfect sense. Iris was shaking things up. Maybe, someone very high up, wants to get rid of her because they know if she keeps shaking, they’ll fall.

“Iris, that’s brilliant!”

Barry threw his arms around her in a celebratory hug. He revealed in her deduction and her embrace. It struck him that this was the first time they hugged out of happiness, not fear or necessity.

“I’m sorry I said all that other stuff.”

Iris’s apology was too much for Barry. He tilted her chin up with his finger.

“Don’t worry about that. You were just venting, I understand.” He assured her.

“Thanks for letting me deal with this and the crazy emotional toll it takes without getting annoyed with me.”

Barry leaned in to hug her again, partially because a hug seemed nice in the moment, but also because he didn’t want Iris to see the tears welling up in his eyes.

“Oh my god, wait,” Iris gasped. “They know about my mom’s death!”

Back on his guard, Barry sprung up.

“What?”

“My mom’s death! They know! How? I’ve never told anyone about it, except you. How could they know? Are they listening to us?”

This was a very important detail Barry had overlooked in his shock upon seeing the note.

“They must’ve heard me yesterday.” They’re following us and listening to us!” Iris clapped her hands over her mouth. “What if they’re listening right now?”

Her whole body was shaking. Barry grabbed her by the arms and steadied her.

“Hey, it’s going to be ok. I’m here.” His hands slid down her arms to hold her hands. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

He felt Iris still, watched her chest rise and fall as she took a calming breath.

“That’s the most personal thing anyone could know about me. And now, they know.” She croaked.

Barry pulled her against him. She fell into the embrace.

“I’ve got you.” He whispered.

The truth was, Barry didn’t know what to do next. He had to reassure Iris he would protect her, but inside he was doubting his ability to do so. He should’ve been watching more closely, noticed someone eavesdropping on their conversation.

Sometimes, being with Iris distracted him. She was so captivating. Being around her made Barry feel like more of a hero than any Flash day celebration, coffee namesake, or action figure of himself. Yet, at the same time, Iris made him feel more like himself than anyone else. Like, he could be his truest self with her. That made it all too easy for Barry to forget why he’s there, that he and Iris aren’t really friends, and he has a job to do.

While his brain scrambled to think of their options, he stroked Iris’ hair. He wasn’t sure if he was doing it to calm her or himself.

Since the note had been left at her front door, Iris’ apartment clearly wasn’t safe anymore.

“Pack up a bag, quick.” He told her. “I need to take you somewhere safe.

Iris jumped a little at Barry breaking their silence.

“Where am I going to go?” She asked. “My dad’s?”

“No. That’s too obvious, The 75 would expect that. I have to bring you to a secret location, somewhere you’ve never been, so nobody would guess you’d be there.”

“You’ll go there with me?”

“Of course!” Barry affirmed.

Iris gave him a pained smile.

“I’ll go pack.”

Iris and her bag in his arms, Barry skid into the cortex of S.T.A.R Labs. Cisco and Caitlin greeted them with smiles.

“We’re here.” Barry informed Iris, letting go of her.

He watched her face change as she took in the surroundings. She looked confused, intrigued, and anxious.

“Welcome to Star Labs!” Cisco hailed, approaching Iris with a an outstretched hand.

Iris shook it, then turned to Barry.

“Is this place like, your headquarters?”

Cisco answered for him, “Oh yeah. This is where the magic happens!” He held out his arms. “Every idea, every plan, that’s stopped every bad guy in the city, was conceived right here.”

“And, who are you?”

This time it was Barry’s turn to answer for Cisco.

“He’s my engineer friend I told you about, Cisco Ramon.”

Cisco pointed at Barry, but kept looking at Iris. “That suit, I made it.”

Iris looked Barry up and down. In that moment, he wished his cowl covered his cheeks to hide his blush.

“It’s a really nice suit.” Iris said, a mix of awkwardness and genuine appreciation in her voice.

Eager to change the subject, Barry introduced Caitlin.

“That is the doctor I told you about, her name is Caitlin Snow.”

Caitlin gave a small wave.

“Nice to finally meet you, Iris.”

Iris emphasized, “Finally?”

With Iris’s back to him, Barry gestured cutting his throat to Caitlin, telling her to shut up.

“Uh-” Caitlin cringed. “We’ve heard a lot about you.”

Iris looked suspiciously at Barry.

“They’re uh- fans of your blog.” He spluttered.

Iris shook Caitlin’s hand.

“It’s nice to meet you too.”

“Iris, why don’t I show you where you can put your stuff?” Barry suggested.

“Ok.” She agreed. Her face fell.

Barry kicked himself for reminding her of why he’d brought her here. He so wanted to introduce her to his friends, tour her around the lab, give evasive answers to all the questions she was sure to ask for an article. But, Iris wasn’t here under happy circumstances.

“You’ll be safe here.” Caitlin interjected. “All of us are going to stay here too, we’ll watch out for you.”

“I can’t thank you enough. I feel safer already. This place must be so secure. I’m sure there’s no way anybody could get in.” Iris assumed.

Barry scratched his neck.

“Uh, yeah, so your room is this way.”

Barry left Iris so she could settle into the guest bedroom. He found Cisco and Caitlin in the cortex, both hunched over tablets. To get their attention, Barry tapped the frame of the doorway.

“How’s Iris?” Caitlin asked.

Barry sighed. “As good as you can expect when being threatened by a gang.”

Caitlin frowned. Barry was so tired of the constant unease felt by everyone because of the looming dark cloud the thought The 75 inspired.

“We sent the prints off the note over to CCPD for you.” Caitlin informed him. “Now, we’re looking into the financial histories of some of the city’s most influence people. Any suspicious donations, offshore activity-”

Barry interrupted her. “The 75 are smart. They’ll know better than to do that.”

“Worth a shot.” Cisco deadpanned without looking up.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

Barry collapsed into a chair. It was only noon but this day already felt like it had lasted weeks. He spread his legs and rotated his neck, trying to work out all the muscle tightness his anxiety had caused.

He noticed Caitlin watching him inquizitive.

“What? Are my stretches not optimal for orthopedic well-being?

“They’re not, but that’s not what I was thinking.” Timidly, she said, “I know you’re really worried about Iris. More worried than you would be if it were someone else?”

His first instinct was to deny it, but the looks on Cisco and Caitlin’s faces told him it was pointless. They knew.

“Yes.” He admitted. “Of course, it’s Iris.”

They exchanged a look of victory.

“Are you guys going to tell me how it’s a bad idea for me to be so invested?”

“No.” Cisco answered. “Actually, Caitlin and I were talking and we think you should tell Iris your name.”

Barry blinked. He couldn’t possibly have heard that right.

“What?”

“Man, you’re clearly in love with her.”

Caitlin nodded in agreement.

“You’ve been having those rooftop rendezvous ever since you discovered her blog.”

“Everyone already knows her as the biggest Flash fangirl in the city. Every bad guy knows targeting her is an easy way to draw you out. So, she’s already in danger. Knowing your identity wouldn’t put her in any more danger.” Cisco explained.

“It also might help her feel more comfortable right now, seeing your face and knowing your name, assuring her it’s really you protecting her, not just a guy in a mask.” Caitlin added.

Barry put his face in his hands. He’d always wanted to tell Iris who he is, but now didn’t seem like a good time.

“But, that would make us closer! If she knows who I am, if we start interacting as Barry and Iris, not Flash and Iris, our relationship is going to get stronger!”

“Don’t you want that?” Caitlin asked, taken aback.

Barry paused. Yes. No. He didn’t know.

“I want Iris to be safe. I’ve put her in enough danger already. I never should’ve found her after reading her blog, never should’ve let let us get to this point.”

Cisco swirled his wrist.

“The point of feelings?”

“Yes.” Barry breathed. “The point of feelings. I’ve been selfish. I like her. I wanted to be around her. The idea of this girl who’s inspired by me, and she’s such an amazing person herself, it went to my head.”

“To your heart.” Cisco corrected.

Barry rolled his eyes.

“The closer Iris is to me, the more danger she’s in. I have to put her first. It doesn’t matter what I want. We can never be… together. We can never even be friends.”

“Why don’t you tell her your name and let her decide?” Caitlin challenged.

“B-because-” Barry started.

“If you really care about her, and value her autonomy, you’ll give her all the information and let her make her own decision.”

Barry walked slowly down the corridor. Thinking of everything and nothing, all his options weighing on him, his mind was numb. A sweet humming lifted Barry’s spirits. He followed it to Iris’s doorway.

The door was open. Barry looked on as she put the folded clothes from her suitcase into the bedside drawers.

“That’s a nice song.” Barry said, alerting Iris to his presence.

She smiled bashfully.

“I always hum when I’m nervous.”

“I always sweat when I’m nervous.”

Instantly regretting that divulgence, Barry rubbed her neck. Yep, sweaty. He was nervous.

“Thank you again for letting me stay here.” Iris said.

“It’s no problem. Nobody uses this room since Harry went back to-”

Iris looked at him expectantly, but Barry stopped himself. The multiverse was a conversation for another day.

“Anyway,” He cleared his throat. “The room is free.”

Iris sat down on the bed, all her clothes put away. It was obvious this threat was really getting to her. Her eyes were shadows of their usual gleam. She looked like she’d seen a ghost.

“I should’ve known Star Labs is where you spend your time. So much weird stuff happens here. It’s basically one big metahuman experiment.”

Barry exhaled a little more forcefully, an almost laugh.

Somehow, in their shared gaze, she found the thing that haunted his eyes.

“I believe in you.” She told him firmly.

Barry smiled, “I know.”

“It’s hard not to be scared, but, there’s nobody else I’d trust more to protect me.”

Barry’s smile twitched. He looked down at his feet.

“What’s on your mind?” Iris asked. “You look deep in thought.”

This time Barry laughed for real. She could always read him.

“I always wonder why I wear a mask with you.”

He sat down beside Iris on the bed. His mind was made up, he was going to do it.

Gesturing to his mask, he said, “I kept telling myself that I had to protect you, and the way to do that was keeping you in the dark about who I really am. I wanted to push you away, for your own sake. But, I feel like there’s forcing in the universe pushing us together no matter what we do.”

“What do you mean.”

“We’re already big parts of each other’s lives now, don’t you think?”

“Well, yeah.” Iris agreed.

“Everyone in Central City knows about our connection. So, it’s pointless to keep pretending hiding my identity would stop a bad guy from coming after you. Wearing this mask, I’m only protecting myself from being vulnerable with you, because it scares me how much I want to be.”

Barry watched Iris’s face carefully as he lifted off his cowl and pulled down his chin strap.

“My name is Barry Allen and I am The Flash.”

#westallen #westallen au #westallen fic #westallen fanfiction #barry allen x iris west #protection #westallen bodyguard au #westallen multichap #barry x iris #iris x barry #the flash fanfiction

23 notes · View notes

bladesofyuri · 6 years

Text

My Excess Weight is Falling Off: How, Why, and What’s Different

This is a different kind of post for this blog, but I think it’s worth sharing.

If you’ve been following me for a few months, you may have seen a post I made asking for fitness/healthy lifestyle/accountability buddies. My weight is something that has always fluctuated and that I’ve always had a hard time with, even when I was dancing all the time and trying all sorts of “diets.” Over the past two years I found myself in a really dark place, and the weight started piling on for a number of reasons. No, I’m not telling you that as an excuse--it isn’t one. I simply wasn’t taking care of myself like I should’ve been. I was eating fairly well but not well enough, skipping meals I just felt too tired to eat (and sometimes, I’d go an entire day without one), and when I’d go to the gym, I wouldn’t do much more than the elliptical for an hour or a half hour plus some resistance training that really wasn’t challenging me. I knew I needed to work differently, but I had no motivation and my heart just wasn’t in it at all. The combination of graduate school and work was, to be frank, kicking my ass. On top of that, my social life had become nonexistent, I had no boyfriend, and didn’t really feel like I had anyone aside from two close friends who no longer even live in the same city to talk to.

I’d even for the first time in my life grown very uncomfortable at the gym, despite knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt from my own experiences on the other side that nobody cares about what you’re doing or is even paying attention to you there. Still, I felt like a big, bloated puff waddling around it in comparison to everyone else and more importantly, compared to how I used to feel in it: strong, confident, and calm.

Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly the epitome of health at the time.

There was something else too that’d been bothering me: more than anything, I wanted to get back into dance, despite having been out of it so long. I just needed that familiarity, that something, even if I wasn’t really in good enough shape in my mind to be doing it. One evening, I saw an advertisement, and I decided to try a class.

That in itself was a little jarring: I suppose in the 7 years I’d been out of dance, I’d forgotten how tiny dancers really were. I’d always been thicker for a dancer, at my fittest usually being mistaken for a cheerleader or gymnast. This was also the time when I was extremely involved with martial arts, which literally shredded my fat in those tougher spots right off. I’d gone from literal fighting shape with a six-pack to fat, and on my kind of build (which is average height and very curvy), even being a little chubby shows.

So here I was, in this dance class for a style I’d never tried before feeling very much like a potato among shorter, more toned versions of Victoria’s Secret models. It was a bit overwhelming to say the least, though it was fun.

That said, there were a ton of concerns going through my head. This class happened to be one where you’re partnered by men the whole time, and I began to wonder what effect my weight may have on them. There were no lifts at least--but moves that involved leaning, dips, etc. were common. Not to mention, I imagined my larger body must be much harder to lead.

So, I worked out a little more, still doing the same types of thing. Elliptical, treadmill, occasional resistance. I tried cutting carbs (more on that later), had a brief and desperate stint of limiting myself to one small meal a day (unhealthy and disastrous--I gained weight), and several other things that were so ineffective they aren’t worth mentioning. I thought that maybe despite my age my metabolism had already begun slowing down rapidly.

Not knowing what else to do, I decided to see a nutritionist.

We started meeting regularly, and she worked to figure out what exactly was going on. On paper, I wasn’t eating particularly badly: I had a few off days here and there, but combined with the amount of exercise I was getting daily (from walking back and forth to work and class, those 3-4x a week gym sessions, plus the new dance class additions), she had a little trouble deciphering what was wrong at first. I was particularly frustrated--I’d lost weight before, dropped my body fat percentage to a staggeringly low but still healthy amount for a female, and yet nothing I was doing now seemed to be working. My weight just fluctuated naturally as it always had. I had my resting metabolic rates checked, and some other tests run too.

Well, I thought when everything checked out to be within normal range, at least I was finally having some fun. I loved my dance classes and each made me feel quite a bit better on a daily basis even if I did still have those occasional nights when depression and anxiety really decided to kick in. Though the styles were different, I was doing something I loved again and meeting new people who were kind, informative, and encouraging, and that was more than I’d had in some time.

It still wasn’t enough for me, though. Not really. I’d dance around my apartment, listening to the kinds of music I used to dance to--hip-hop in particular. It always had been my strongest style, and I decided to try out the studio’s advanced class. I had, after all, done it for many years, and was still pretty confident I could move like I used to if my probably hilarious apartment dancing was any indication.

I took a class.

I realized they filmed everything.

And I watched those videos back. Sure, I still had it and had somehow managed not to lose much of my skill, even if I had been out of it for so long. No doubt this is thanks to the physical activity I’d maintained, even if it wasn’t up to par with what I’d done in my dance and martial arts days. Seeing that first video generated two thoughts in my mind:

1. I was still good. Very good.

2. I was still good, even keeping up with the pros in my class, but the person dancing in that video wasn’t me.

People have different opinions when it comes to being on camera. Some think it’s unhealthy to use it as a motivator, believing that it can develop an obsession. But I’m not that type, and in my mind, using videos to hold myself accountable is no less unhealthy than sitting on Tumblr feeling sorry for myself and eating myself into a blob, which is exactly what I felt I was. Nobody was “shaming” me. It wasn’t society or beauty standards or anything of the sort. I simply wasn’t happy with myself, and this video proved it.

I kicked it into high gear. As much as I may not often admit it I’m a highly competitive person. I see either someone who’s better than me at something and what to get to their level or surpass them, or I see myself and want to overcome that current self and transform it into something better. This, for better or worse, was exactly the blend of both I needed. I could dance like the people around me, and where I was a little rusty I knew I could get back, but I didn’t look as strong as them just because of my body.

I made small changes to my diet. I’ve always had a running joke about having the appetite of a lineman, and to this day that’s true. I like my food, and I like to eat. A lot. But I changed what I ate and when. I eat no breads or rice after lunch, instead loading up on lean meats and veggies. I don’t snack on things like yogurt at night anymore, either. Instead, I whip up some egg beaters (I highly recommend the southwestern flavor, by the way) and throw some lean, deli-cut turkey breast in with it. That’s my current go-to late-night snack. Other snacks are usually hard-boiled eggs or something along the lines of raw vegetables, fruits with a light dusting of Stevia over the top for those sweet tooth days, and carrot fries with a light ranch. I also make good use of frozen fruits that keep forever and that I can throw into a blender with some Greek yogurt. Breakfast is often something like a grilled chicken breast with eggs (my ultimate weaknesses is Chick-fil-A’s egg white grill when I need a speedy breakfast on the go), a poached egg with half an avocado and a slice of wheat toast, or something along those lines. I’ve also tried the toast + peanut butter + banana thing, though it was a bit sweet for my taste. Lunch is a bit broader: I enjoy salads but not enough to have them daily, and lunch admittedly tends to be my least healthy meal of the day. I had a cheeseburger today for example, which I do not recommend, but if you’re going to do something like that, just make sure you’re opting for a side salad or something similar instead of fries. My aim for lunch tends to be a light salad or a something like a burrito bowl with very little to no rice. I focus on lean meats and vegetables for both lunch and dinner, so depending on what I’ve prepped or am planning to make/have, I make the according adjustments to my lunch.

One thing I cut out completely--and a cut that pains me as it will my fellow Southerners--is sweet tea. I love sweet tea. I grew up on sweet tea and it’s quite literally the taste of home. This is something I had to ween myself off of over the course of a couple weeks on the days I ate out, ordering 1/2 sweet, 1/2 unsweet drinks. I’m happy to say I’ve already broken the habit, and it’s already become natural for me to order or make unsweet tea and either drink it as is or add just a pinch of natural sweetener in. Likewise, I cut back on sugary coffee drinks, though that wasn’t as difficult for me. I don’t mind the taste of black coffee, so that’s all well and good.

Once I did all of these things, I started noticing little things. Those leggings that had been too tight suddenly started to fit perfectly. My workout pants that I’d gone a size up on because of my chubbier areas started falling off--literally, to the point where I constantly have started having to pull them back up. My stomach and waist area--which is the one and only area I always have lost weight quickly in--has already gone from being jiggly to flat. My lovely (yes, this is sarcasm) Viking arms I inherited from my dad and my thick cyclist legs I inherited from my mom are already slimming down and toning. I started bodyweight circut classes and free weights again, though I definitely still enjoy my resistance days. It turns out I don’t need any additional cardio now that I’m dancing again, and I really only do short stints of it for stamina purposes.

And suddenly, it’s all been put into perspective.

My biggest block was settling for not enough.

I was eating in a more healthy way than the average person, but it wasn’t enough. I was working out regularly, but not in a way that was enough. I had no real routine or regulation for what I was eating beyond just staying under a certain calorie count, and not a good enough routine in the gym.

I’m not saying don’t go get on that elliptical or treadmill if that’s something that makes you feel good and helps you. Everybody’s different. Some people really can drop weight as long as they’re up and moving, and it really doesn’t matter what they do during that time. Others, like myself, need more specific exercise, and from experience I know mine is a combination of dance or martial arts and weights/bodyweight. Running does nothing. Ellipticals do nothing. Cycling does nothing. I have to do weights, and I have to have workouts that engage my entire body.

I’m happy to say within the past month of really hitting it this hard, not only have I lost weight, but I’m nearly down a size in everything (the latter of which is more over the course of two months). It really was just making the right changes and remembering what works for me, along with figuring out the new things that work for me since I obviously no longer live under my parents’ roof like I’d done the first time I’d really gotten fit. I had to figure out a way to cook for myself and make the right decisions when I do get fast food. I had to really start putting in the right work at the gym.

And you know what? It’s worth it.

I’ve even developed something of a social life through my classes again, and I’m loving every minute of it. It’s worth it to go into those classes and meet people, encourage them while they encourage you, and let them help to make you the best you can be through their sheer dedication and skill.

As for the darker mental side of it all, depression and anxiety don’t go away, but you can train yourself to push through them again, and you might just find those spells starting to dwindle a bit when you do. For me in every way, shape, or form, these changes have all been worth it.

Find what works for you and go for it not halfway, but all out.

#personal #bladesofyuribabbles #health and fitness #fitness #progress #update #unrelated #real-life #truths

75 notes · View notes

miniaturemusicduck · 4 years

Text

hey so I stopped using tumblr as actively like years ago and I luckily have no actual followers on this blog so thas great but I just wanted to tell you that I love you. and you mean the world to me. and idk how I went my whole life without you because everything about you makes me feel like no matter how bad it gets I have a beautiful love to find comfort in. I'm sorry about today. I don't know if it's just my fault that everything has felt off or if I'm imagining it but I probably am. I'm sorry angel. I had the absolute worst nightmare about my mom laying in a coffin looking like my uncle did in his and woke up crying and my heart was beating crazy fast and my throat was sore from crying and fucking everything felt like it was caving in idk how to explain it. and then probably like 20 minutes after I calmed down my mother came into my room and told me her hair started falling and it sent me into a spiral that idk how to get out of at this point and I know I'm being very hypocritical because I never told you about this all day and I got upset when you didn't tell me you were sad but I just didn't wanna make your day worse and turn it into a thing where neither of us was okay or holding it together and I know you were fine but I still just wanted to make sure I'm sorry I'm just really not used to being taken care of in that way and I hate sounding like that ew but just like I've always been the one supporting the person I was with and I don't entirely know how to break down in front of you yet and I guess this is my sad weak attempt at it. I'm sorry I can't just do this outright and be fucking normal about it but just I love you so much and I don't wanna make you sad or make you feel like I'm a burden or too much to deal with.

if I'm being brutally honest I've been having thoughts that I'm scared of recently. thoughts of self harm and stuff that I haven't had in at least 7 months. and also please don't ever EVER think that any of this is bevaise you're not doing enough to help me or be there that's another reason I never told you about any of it. I don't want you to ever feel like you're not enough. I promise you're the only reason they've stayed thoughts.

i really need to get around to seeing a psychiatrist again because I'm scared of the day I actually lose it and can't handle any of this anymore. apart from just having depression in itself things are getting hard at home. mom is tired a lot more and I'm not complaining at all bc I know it's what I have to do but I've gotta sort out a lot more around the house like cleaning and cooking and then cleaning up after cooking and then making sure she eats and then the laundry and ironing and yeah. it's why I fall asleep so early these days because I have to get up early and then I'm tired from doing shit and I hate it because I wanna give you more time than I do and I'm sorry about that baby. it's just all becoming a lot and it's making me realise that like especially when campus goes back im gonna have so so much to deal with and I'm fucking terrified. again not complaining bc it's what I've gotta do and I van do it k just need to figure out how. I know it's stupid because plenty of peiple have a hundred times more responsibility but I just never had to do any of this to this extent before and I guess it's something I have to get used to. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do with myself sometimes because I'm so overwhelmed by everything going on. and then past traumas and fuck shit and abuse that I can't forget just plays on my mind constantly on some days and yeah. I'm sorry for how I am on those days. I'm just really scared of everything. and I don't know how to process it. and I'm scared that soon I'm going to break. I won't. but I'm scared of the idea of it. and I'm scared of all this taking over my mind completely again.

I guess the point of this was to try and let you see a little of what's been going on in my mind recently. especially today. and I'm really sorry that you have to deal with any of this. I was just thinking a lot about how I acted today and realised it's wrong to leave you out of the loop too, as much as I hate to burden you. but everything else aside here, just know that you're the best part of every day and you're the light at the end of every tunnel. you make everything feel okay and I can forget about how scary everything is for a little while when you're around. and i love you so much for supporting and loving me the way you do, without question and unconditionally. you mean the world to me and there's not a soul in this world that I'd rather spend the rest of my life with. I know I sound like a broken record but this is just the truth that stays the same every time. I love you. And I'm sorry for my behavior today, I had a really bad day and I'm working on it chicken. I love you.

0 notes

the-x-story-x-teller · 7 years

Text

How You Make Me Feel - AlfieXReader

Oh my god I can’t believe I’m finally back with something new guys. :D And again and again I am so, so sorry for letting you wait so long but my life has gotton so stressful that it was and still sometimes is very hard to find the time for all the writings I wanna do. I hope you can understand that and from now on I’ll try to post some One Shots or maybe even a few longer stories again more often. :))) I also would like to thank you all for staying on my blog and supporting me and asking me stuff or whatever you guys left me in my message box even though I as so unactive! <3<3<3 You are the best followers ever and I’m so glad to have you! <3 I hope you’ll like the little topic changes on my blog (which I will also update now as well ofc) and that you like my new stories as much as my old ones. :* This is by the way my first Peaky Blinders One Shot since I started watching the series and I really hope I did well. :) Now have fun reading this and leave me feedback if you like. More stories will follow from now on again, love you all guys. <3

Imagine you as Tommy’s right hand fell in love with Alfie and try to bake something for him even though you can’t cook or bake and you end up with Ada teaching you how to do it right.

Frowning you stood in the kitchen of Ada’s house trying to get wiser from the baking instruction you held in your hands.

Now you really regretted rather spending time with the Shelby boys on shootings and other criminal activities instead of learning how to cook or bake something right.

For a young woman at the age of twenty it was a bit embarrassing that you actually knew more about guns and stuff than about working in the kitchen.

People who didn’t know you would think you were the perfect little kitchen princess, since you never looked like as if you could shoot five men alone, but that was also why you were actually Tommy’s right hand, people didn’t expect you to be dangerous.

But to be honest everyone who knew you well enough, also knew that you were a danger to everything and everyone including yourself when you were working alone in the kitchen.

Arthur and John often used to joke about your none existent kitchen skills but back then you didn’t mind them speaking it out loud, you even found it funny yourself, but now …

It was apart from funny that you had been standing in front of the bowl with the eggs and the meal and everything without knowing what to do first or next.

And it kinda made you feel very uncomfortable thinking about that you were trying to bake something for a man who owned his own bakery … of course you knew it wasn’t a real bakery but still.

You really wanted these Brownies to be good, your pride and the honor of your grandmother depended on that.

She had written her own recipe for them and it was a family tradition to bake them for someone you really liked.

“(Y/N)? What are you doing there?” Ada asked as she came into the kitchen, with Karl on her right hand.

“I’m trying to bake Brownies but I forgot that I can’t cook or bake a shit” you said still frowning at your grandmother’s recipe.

Ada suddenly started to laugh a bit.

“Alright (Y/N), what’s going on with you lately? You moved into my house because Tommy’s getting on your nerves, you go to work with a way too big smile and it has nothing to do with my brother and now you’re baking Brownies?”

Biting your lower lip you finally looked away from your grandmother’s recipe and looked at Ada with a slightly unsure facial expression.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Ada now asked again this time worry was filling her voice.

“I guess I’m in love …” you quietly admitted.

“You mean with someone else than Tommy?” Ada asked while she gave Karl some of his toys so that he could play with them while she was listening to you.

“Yes, I mean … I like being in his near and everything and I never baked for a man before not even for Tommy …” you muttered.

The thing with Tommy was you two had never been in a real relationship, you only had two one night stands in the past, and you knew he cared for you and he also nearly admitted once that he loves you but then he suddenly started having secrets that he didn’t share with you anymore.

You felt left out and not trustworthy already a few weeks before you came to London and finally met Alfie.

You and Tommy had once been very close, also because you were a family member since your parents died, that happened when you were around sixteen.

He had cared for you back then, and you young and broken as you were already, you fell in love with that one person that cared, he was your everything for a long time even though you never shared a real relationship, but it seemed as if this was over now.

Thinking of Tommy now was like only seeing someone who gives you orders and you follow them, all the secrets he started to keep from you made you two grow apart, and you felt not much anymore besides disappointment.

“Then tell me, what’s his name? What does he do?” Ada suddenly asked and smiled at you.

“Don’t you wanna ask me how Tommy will react and all that stuff?” you asked a bit confused about her calm reaction.

Ada grinned at you.

“Oh come on, I’m actually glad that you’re leaving him behind now, he wouldn’t have done you good in the future (Y/N), I know that. He’s my brother he has a hand for messing things up and then returning with big plans to get everything right again. You’re young, you need someone who leads you through a straight and safe path. Tommy takes way too many sidewalks and ally’s and that’s why his secrets become more frequent.”

You smiled at her as well.

“Yes you’re probably right. But I guess life will always be a bit more thrilling with a gangster right by your side.”

“So another mob boss who had been falling for you?” Ada asked.

“Well I don’t know if he likes me the same way …”

“(Y/N) men are easy to understand. You could mess with Tommy’s head for a while, you can also do that with another man, I’m sure. Now let me help you with that, if you really want him to not choke on your Brownies then you need a lesson of female kitchen advice” Ada grinned.

“Hey! I made scrambled eggs once at home, remember? And nobody died on them” you laughed.

“But the boys also didn’t look too happy about it” Ada said, what made you shut up and watch her showing you what you would have to do.

You and Ada had spent nearly the whole morning on baking Brownies until you finally got how to do it.

The plate with the result was standing in the kitchen now ready to get taken to the bakery and you couldn’t be more proud of yourself, because they first didn’t look burned or something and secondly they smelled delicious.

The only thing you had to figure out now was, how would you get them to the bakery without someone seeing you carrying them?

Many Blinders were running through London lately since Tommy and Alfie had agreed on working together and you couldn’t risk yet that someone found out about you baking for Alfie.

Then an idea hit you, nobody would ask you about what was in a briefcase if you carried one, you had one with you when you first attended the bakery with Tommy a few weeks ago, people would only suspect some documents and you could get the Brownies safely to Alfie.

Said, done.

In the late afternoon you showed up at Camden Town like nearly every day since Tommy wanted you to keep an eye on his business with Alfie, but you had actually no business in mind when you were talking with Alfie.

He even made you forget that you’re actually here to work for Tommy.

You wrinkled your nose at the thought of the working for part, once Tommy always said you were working with him.

Shaking your head in mind you forgot about him as soon as you entered the bakery.

The usual noises of the rum production were already very familiar to you and it nearly felt a bit like returning home.

“Good afternoon, (Y/N). Everything’s alright so far today?” Ollie Alfie’s right hand greeted you at the door.

You smiled back at him.

“Yes, everything works great, I talked to a few of our men outside, no trouble with the police so far and Tommy’s very pleased. How about you?” you asked.

“Oh the usual, it was a busy day. Alfie had two less lucky conversations with two employees today, they disregarded the rules, no need to tell you that they’re not working here anymore or anywhere else …”

A little smile crossed your face.

“There will always be some guys who don’t understand the rules, well. Where’s Alfie? I need to talk to him” you said.

“He’s in his office, just follow me” Ollie said and led you through the bakery until he knocked at Alfie’s door.

“Yeah?” Alfie’s voice sounded roughly from his office.

“Alfie, (Y/N)’s here. She’d like to talk to you” Ollie said and Alfie’s head raised from the papers he had been working on.

“What’cha waiting for then, eh? Let the lady in” Alfie said and as soon as Ollie was out of sight and you walked into the office Alfie’s usual intimidating look changed to a bright smile.

“Ah look at ya, love. Always a feast for the eyes. What have ya brought me there, hm?” he asked and pointed at the briefcase before he walked over to you and kissed you on both cheeks.

You immediately blushed and felt an immense tingle rushing through your body and your veins as his beard tickled over your cheeks.

“Oh I had some time today at home and well … tried baking with a friend. I thought you’d maybe like to taste them … I made some Brownies” you explained and suddenly you felt like a little child standing in front of that bear of a man.

Alfie smiled down at you.

“So you brought the pastries to the bakery, eh?”

“Yeah” you smiled back opening the briefcase.

“I hope they taste good, my friend tried to teach me the whole day how to not mess up my grandma’s personal recipe, I’m not a woman for the kitchen I guess” you said moving up and down on your feet nervously as you watched Alfie testing them.

“Ah I can reassure you, that’s some delicious shit” Alfie said what made you feel like the happiest girl in the whole world.

“You can have the others as well” you smiled.

“Don’t ya want to keep some of them for you?”

“Oh no I made them for you I … I mean I …”

Fuck

And there you go again, with your tongue being faster than your mind …

You could feel the awkward silence between you and Alfie nearly killing you even though he was still smiling.

“So ya were standing in the kitchen the whole day and learned to bake something for the first time, only for me?” he asked.

“Uhm … yeah basically.”

“Sweet child” Alfie murmured while he came a step closer to you again and laid one strong hand on your cheek stroking it gently.

The tingle in your body intensified and your body begged for the thoughts that were just crossing your mind to come true.

“Ya know I sometimes get the feeling that you’d like to stay here with me rather than working for Tommy” he said his beard tickling over the sensitive skin on your face again while he was talking what caused your heart to start racing.

“Maybe …” you whispered and that small word was enough for Alfie to take your face in his warm hands and press your lips roughly on his.

And while your whole body was enjoying every single bit of his tongue in your mouth and the intensity of the kiss one question still remained: Would you ever switch sides because of him?

#peaky blinders imagine #alfie solomons #alfie x reader

83 notes · View notes