#sorry to vent. its gotten to the point where i forgot to reply to one of my few remaining irl friends and he asked my parents if i was alive

[chorus-communities]

"ahaha i'm not depressed i don't even fit the DSM criteria" - guy who hasnt been to work or college in 2 weeks, got laid off, hasn't showered in 1 week, and lays in bed 70% of the day doing nothing.

[bwemph]

Secrets

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Request: @cherrykarts Could I get a Peter Parker x shy reader where Pete breaks things off bc he doesn’t want to see her hurt, but when he goes to the avengers tower it turns out she’s an avenger and she’s crying and stuff with Wanda and fluffy happy end? Idk

Word count: 2,400

Summary: After breaking up with Peter, you go to Wanda for comfort. When Peter shows up at the Compound unexpectedly, it turns out you both have secrets to share.

Warnings: Mild angst, light swearing, Peter being an absolute dork :)

A/N: This is a fic from my old blog Purpleocity. All future fics will be posted here at bwemph :)

“I just…I don’t think this is going to work.”

Your heart dropped, tears already threatening to spill over. Your brows furrowed. Why was Peter being like this? You two had been together for six months now. What changed? Everything was fine until just recently. He got that “Stark Internship” and he started acting all strange, now he’s breaking up with you out of nowhere? It just didn’t make sense.

“Peter, what do you mean ‘this isn’t going to work’?” Your voice shook a little as your crossed your arms. You leaned back against his wall, sinking a little further into his mattress. Your thoughts raced back through everything you could have done wrong, but it was all little stuff. Things that shouldn’t have mattered. You thought everything was going fine between the two of you.

“It’s just…It’s really complicated.” He reached out to you in order to take your hand, but you pulled it away, your vision blurring with tears. You bit your lip to keep back the sob that hitched your breath.

You shook your head. “’It’s complicated’? What’s gotten into you?” You asked as you stood up. He stood to meet you. “You’ve been acting so weird lately. You’re always disappearing. And you’ve been at least ten minutes late to almost every single one of our dates in the last month!” He opened his mouth to say something, but you cut him off. “Just the other day I came over after school like you asked me to and you weren’t even here. Aunt May said she didn’t know where you were either. What, is there someone else? Are you…” You faltered a little, your heart dropping even further. You didn’t even want to say it for fear of the answer being yes, “…are you cheating on me?”

“Y/n, please just let me explain.” He took your hand again. You shirked away as he tried to hug you. You turned away, watching his reflection in the mirror with stone cold eyes. Your phone buzzed, and you glanced down.

Tony Stark: We’ve got a situation. Get here as soon as you can.

You cursed under your breath, looking back up at Peter. “I have to go.” You pushed past him.

“Wha- Y/n, please,” he practically begged, reluctantly letting go of your hand as you crossed the room to open his door. “Don’t go.”

“I gotta. I’ll–I’ll see you at school.”

You closed his door behind yourself a little harder than you’d intended, lowering your head as you made for the apartment door.

“You’re not staying for dinner?” May asked as she looked up from a mixing bowl. “I’m making your favorite cookies for desert.” She nodded toward the cookies in the oven. They almost tempted you.

You sniffed, quickly drying a few rebellious tears before turning to her. “I, uh, I have to be somewhere. Thanks, though. Maybe another time.” You mustered a smile and picked up your backpack, slipping your shoes on.

“Is everything okay?”

You sighed. “Probably not, but don’t worry about it. It’ll be alright. See ya, May.” With a wave, you left before she could further question you. You made for the Compound as quick as you could, though you had some down time in the back of the car before you got there. You allowed a few silent tears to fall, holding back the real deal for later as not to make things awkward for the chauffeur. You scrolled through your pictures on your phone, still unable to wrap your head around the situation. You half hoped this was maybe just a bad dream. You dried with your hoodie sleeve another tear that dropped onto your phone screen.

When you arrived, Tony was already standing outside to meet you. He walked you inside. “Well, I needed you in the moment,” he explained, “but we got it handled before you showed up.”

You shrugged one shoulder, putting a hand in your pocket. “Sorry. I got here as quick as I could.”

He clapped you on the back for reassurance. “Don’t worry about it, kid.” He paused, removing his glasses and moving to stand in front of you. “You okay?” His hand remained on your shoulder.

You forgot you’d worn mascara that day, which was probably smeared and streaking your face at this point. You sighed, shrugging. “Don’t worry about it. It’s just boy trouble.”

Tony gave a sympathetic look. “Boys are literally the scum of the earth.” He took a moment to snarl at the thought of whoever had hurt you. “Whoever he is, he’s a douchebag. Let me know if I have to hit him.”

You laughed softly. “Thanks, Mr. Stark.” He winked in response. You sniffled again. “Is Wanda here?”

Tony nodded. “Up in her room.”

You wasted no time as you hurried up to her room.You weren’t sure how much longer any more tears could remain unshed.

You hovered in her doorway, making sure she was alone. She sat on her bed, plucking her guitar. She hummed a soft melody and took notes on whatever little riff she just made up. Her eyes lit up when she looked up and saw you. She set the guitar back in its stand and ran to hug you.

“Y/n! What are you doing here?” She pulled away and her smile vanished in an instant. “What’s wrong?” She touched your arm in an attempt to comfort whatever was bothering you.

“Do you have any makeup remover?” you asked, breathing a laugh as you assumed you were a mess. You glanced down at your phone when it vibrated, but you ignored it.

“Yeah, yeah, come here.” She led you to the bathroom and handed you a container of makeup wipes. You looked in the mirror, somewhat amused despite your broken heart. You started with your eyes. “What happened?” Wanda asked, hovering close to your side.

You removed the makeup from your other eye before answering. “Peter broke up with me.” You choked up, biting your lips. You didn’t want to cry again. He’s just a stupid boy. Why did it matter?

He wasn’t just a stupid boy, that’s why it mattered; this was Peter.

Wanda gasped, pulling you into a hug as your tears started flowing again. “Why? What happened?”

You hid your face, your voice muffled by her red sweater, which was now gaining dark splotched from yourr tears. “I think he was cheating on me.”

She gave a hum of disapproval, leading you to sit down on her bed. You proceeded to explain everything that pointed toward his disloyalty: his weird absences, being late or sometimes not showing up at all to dates or when you were supposed to hang out, and how weird he’d act when you asked where he was. You shouldn’t have let it go so easily. You knew something was up and shouldn’t have ignored it. She listened to you vent for the next while, comforting you where she saw fit.

- - -

“Peter, dinner is ready,” May called softly as she poked her head into Peter’s room. He looked up from his phone, sending you numerous text messages. You didn’t reply to any of them. “Is everything okay? Y/n looked upset when she left.”

Peter dropped his head again, letting his phone fall onto his bed. “Uh, no, not really.”

“Why don’t you come talk about it over dinner, then?” May offered, gesturing for him to follow her. They sat at the table together. Peter explained what was up, poking at his spaghetti absentmindedly, but eating very little.

He wanted to protect you. Now that he was Spiderman, everyone he knew and loved would be in danger. He wanted to keep you safe most of all. He cared about you so much, and he regretted every time he had to take a raincheck or be late to see you. He always wanted to be around you, but saving the world would make that hard. Villains kidnapping or killing you would make that even harder, so he decided to break things off in order to keep you safe.

“I understand why you did that, but there’s plenty of other things you could do to protect her. You didn’t have to break up with her,” May said, reaching across the table to touch his hand. “Are you going to eat?

He sighed and shook his, the corners of his mouth being tugged down. “I screwed it up now. I don’t think I can get her back.”

Before May could say anything, Peter heard his special ringtone he had set for Happy. His eyes widened and he stood and scrambled to his room.

“Hello? Hi, yeah. It’s Peter.”

“You’re late for your training session, Peter. I’ve been out here for twenty minutes!” Happy snapped over the line.

A hand went to his forehead and he rushed to grab his things. “Shit! I’m so sorry, Happy. I’ll be out in a minute.” He rushed to throw the rest of his things he needed into his backpack and swiped a handful of cookies from the jar as he rushed out the door. “Sorry, Aunt May,” he mumbled around his mouthful of cookie. “I had to be at the Compound like a half hour ago! Bye, love you!”

He rushed out to the car where Happy stood, his arms crossed and a glare set deep in his features. Peter got in and said nothing on the way to the compound. Happy didn’t ask. In fact, he reveled in the fact that Peter shut up for once.

- - -

Sweaty and exhausted, Peter left the training room. The personal trainer worked him harder than usual today, probably because he was late. He stumbled out of the training room and into the common area, chugging a glass of water.

“Peter?” you said, eyes wide. He startled, fumbling with the glass. “What the hell are you doing here?” You dropped the apple slice you were holding into the bowl of caramel as you stood. Wanda eyed both of you, looking very confused.

“Wait a minute, that’s Peter?” she said with her brow furrowed.

“You two know each other?” Peter asked, pointing between the two of you.

You put your hands on your hips. “I asked my question first.” Your voice was a little too calm to be okay with the current situation. He crossed to meet you, rubbing his hands together nervously.

“Well, uh…” He glanced between the two of you. “I’m kinda an Avenger?”

You furrowed your brow. “Why didn’t you tell me?” You threw your hands in the air with exasperation.

He stuttered as he gestured between you and Wanda. “Well why didn’t you tell me?” he asked you, equally as irritated. “It’s what I was going to tell you! I’m freaking Spiderman!”

You were taken aback, and you hugged yourself, unsure what to think. A thousand thoughts raced through your mind. Peter was the Spiderman? Since when? You thought he’d just been working out, not suddenly training as a superhero! You looked to Wanda, who seemed about as confused as you were. “Well then I guess we have to work on our communication skills…” you said eventually, your tension easing.

Peter laughed a little. “Yeah…” he sighed and reached out to take your hand. “Look, I know I probably screwed up any chance I had with you, but am I allowed to take back what I said before? I didn’t really mean it when I said things weren’t working out…I lied. Sorry.”

Your shoulders relaxed further. You felt a little embarrassed. “Well I haven’t exactly been honest with you either.”

Peter laughed a little, stroking your knuckles with his thumb. “It’s okay. Since we’re telling each other our darkest secrets right now, can I tell you something else?”

“Hit me.”

He cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck. “Things were actually going better than great…yknow, with us. They’re amazing. And like, you’re amazing. And I’m so sorry I’m always late and disappearing and I’m sorry I’m such an idiot.” He looked at his feet for a bit, shame curving his features into a bit of a pout. He glanced back up at you, his puppy dog eyes begging for forgiveness already. “But like, I really love spending time with you and Aunt May loves you and I…” he faltered again, “I love you, yknow?”

You smiled, taking his other hand. “I’m an idiot too, so it’s okay. And,” you stood closer to him, “I love you too.” You leaned in to kiss him, but Wanda cleared her throat, reminding you of her presence. You pursed your lips, your face warming a little with embarrassment.

She picked up the tray of caramel and apples. “I’ll just put these away,” she said, hurrying to put them away and leaving you two alone.

“I’m all sweaty and gross. Sorry.” Peter said before you silenced him with a kiss. It didn’t stop you from pulling him close.

When you broke away, you murmured, “It doesn’t bother me.” You ran a hand down his arm, entwining your fingers again, but remaining close. “Stop apologizing. It’s really okay,” you giggled.

“Sorry–Er, I mean…” He laughed, pecking another kiss to your lips. He smiled brightly, startling a little as Tony entered the room. It seemed that everyone needed to know now.

He froze, his glasses coming off again. “Wait, this is the douchebag?” he asked, unsure he was actually seeing the two of you together like this. “And why are you smooching him? I thought he was giving you trouble?” He pointed at you. “Were you giving her trouble, Parker?”

“No, Mr. Stark,” Peter assured. “It was a misunderstanding. I think we’re good now.” He looked back at you, and you nodded in agreement. You tried to contain your smile.

He squinted, turning with a shrug and going the other way, dropping whatever his previous task was.

“Wanna go get ice cream?” you asked.

Peter smiled. “I like the sound of that. But can I take a shower first?”

You nodded. “You do that, Spidey.”

He dropped his head with a laugh. “That’s cute.”

“What? Spidey?”

“Heh, yeah.”

[basura2319]

Who lives, who dies

Pairing: Rex x reader (gender neutral)

Anonymous said:

“Hey! I’ve recently gotten back into the clone wars and Rex has stolen my heart 😂 would you be willing to do a Rex x Jedi!Reader but with a bit of angst where it’s older Rex in the Rebels series and he talks about the reader to Ezra? I hope that made sense 😂”

WC: 2.5K

Warnings: Takes place in Rebels, Ezra being nosy, angst, character death, blood, *S7 spoilers for tcw finale*, and things in italics are flashbacks.

A/N: I hope I did this fic some justice and sorry for making you wait so long. I had to force myself to rewatch the last episode a second time because that episode really messed me up, anyone else feel that way?

Rex never thought that he would be serving again since the Clone Wars. But times were changing and ever since the Ghost Crew came to him for help, he thought long and hard about joining a cause like the Rebellion. And when he did, it made him feel almost happy that he was doing something purposeful again. Something he’s choosing to be a part of. But at the same time, whenever he went on missions and saw rebels dying, ones he grew newly acquainted with, it brought back tons of memories he spent so much time on Seelos trying to repress.

Memories of his dying brothers, of Anakin and Ahsoka, and especially of you. Which was why he was outside of Chopper Base. Sleep eluded him right now and on those days when couldn’t sleep, he went outside to sit underneath Atollon’s night sky to think.

He sat on one of the crates by the shooting range and pulled out a hologram. With shaky hands, he turns it on and a tentative smile falls onto his lips at the image he sees.

It was a hologram of him—his younger self—and you, smiling at each other. Judging by the clothes you both wore, someone could look at the hologram and never guess that he was a soldier and you were a Jedi knight. But you were more than just a Jedi; you were his love. His everything. And this hologram, Rex thought, was his most prized possession. Because showed it a time in his life when he was in utter bliss. A feeling he would never have again.

Rex felt tears begin to build up as he gazes over your face again for the thousandth time. The light in your (e/c) eyes as you look to Rex and the crinkle on the edges of your eyes as you smiled. He remembered the day this hologram was taken. You convinced Rex to join you on a night around Coruscant. You had been the one to take the image without his knowing and you gave him a copy of it to keep. Since then, he has kept it with him at all times, as it is the only thing he has to remember you by.

He blinks the wetness in his eyes away. How he wished things turned out different. If only he believed Fives. If only he didn’t answer that incoming call from the Chancellor. If only they got out of the blazing cruiser fast enough. If only—

CRASH!

Rex immediately clicked the hologram shut and reached for his blaster, aiming at whatever made the crates behind him, he noted, fall over.

“Whose there” He growled. “Show yourself.”

It was probably those Atollon spiders again. How did they get inside the base?

“Relax! It’s just me!” said a panicked voice behind the crates. “Ezra!”

Rex sighed in relief. It was just the kid.

“What are you doing here?” asked Rex in exasperation, giving the boy a stern glare.

“I would ask you the same thing,” Ezra replied with raised brow. “Seeing as how you’re just…sitting here, doing what exactly?”

“That is none of your business,” said Rex sternly.

“Okay then,” he said sheepishly. “Well I guess my being here is none of your business so—”

“Ezra.”

“Alright,” he groaned. “I came out here to practice my lightsaber forms, see.” He waved his lightsaber around as proof. “And well…”

Ezra stared at the ground in shame. “And then I saw you by yourself a-and I didn’t mean to spy on you. I was—”

“Kid,” sighed Rex, feeling a slight tingle of warmth reach his face. “It’s alright.”

Rex shouldn’t feel embarrassed. It’s not like he could in trouble for possessing the only image of you he had. And it’s not like Ezra understood the context of what he saw.

He opened his mouth to say something but stopped seeing the way Ezra looked at him. Something akin to concern? Pity? The young boy looked as if he had more to say.

“Something wrong?”

“No—it’s,” Ezra said hesitantly. “That person—in that hologram— I know them.”

Rex furrowed his brows in confusion. “How?” You died before Ezra was born.

“Kanan has these holo-recordings he’s been showing me,” Ezra began. “They’re mainly Jedi Knights teaching how to do a certain form. I saw them teaching a session on how to do the Soresu form, their name, I think, is—”

“Jedi Knight (Y/N) (L/N),” Rex finished hoarsely. The first time in a while since he had said your name out loud.

“You don’t have to answer this,” Ezra said with a curious tone in his voice. “But, did you work with them?”

Rex smiled, recalling all the adventures you both had. “I did, in fact (Y/N) was part of Torrent Company.”

He sat back down on the crate and so did Ezra. “I met them a little after I met Commander Tano.” He chuckled. “They came in to save our forces after the disastrous stunt we pulled off in Felucia. Had they not came in to rescue us, we would have died trying to fend off those clankers.”

Rex, in his mind, remembered it all. You coming out of nowhere with  gunships, screaming at Anakin to fall back. He recalled Skywalker being almost stunned at your presence.

“What are you doing all the way out here (Y/N),” Rex remembered Anakin asking you as they got inside the gunships.

“Here to save your ass,” you commented back. “Only this time from a battlefield instead of from Master Kenobi.”

Anakin chuckled. “Always with the quip remarks.”

“We both trained together since we were kids,” you stated with an arched brow. “Why are you surprised?”

“So you’re a general now?” he asked.

“No,” you answered with a knowing grin. “But I am assigned to one.”

“No way!”

You threw your head back and laughed. “You better believe it.”

“Well then, I should introduce to my second in command, other than you,” he said, smirking at the offended huff you made. “Meet Captain Rex.”

He remembered you reaching out to him as you hung to the straps of the gunship to shake his hand. “Hello Captain, I’m (Y/N) (L/N), but please call me (Y/N).”

He was so entranced by your smile that he almost forgot you were speaking to him.

“Nice to meet you (Y/N),” he said, silently thanking the force that he had his helmet on so you couldn’t see the tinge of red in his cheeks. “And please, call me Rex.”

Rex smiled at the memory. “(Y/N) was a very clever Jedi, but most importantly they were compassionate. They treated us clones like equals and was always there to listen and understand our grievances.”

“They sound amazing,” Ezra replied. “I would’ve loved to meet them.”

Rex paused. “I think (Y/N) would’ve loved to train you and certainly wouldn’t hesitate for a second to be apart of this rebellion if they knew what became of the Republic we both swore to protect.”

His smile disappeared. He really wished you were here to see this.

Ezra looked to Rex with sadness. He could feel the clone veteran’s grief so strongly and could also feel his love for you; just like how he could feel the love between his parents as a kid before the Empire took that all away.

“They didn’t make because if the order did they?”

“No…” said Rex hoarsely. “If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t even be here…”

Everything fell apart after Mandalore.

He had no idea he was going to be forced to kill (Y/N) and Ahsoka by just one simple command that was enough to overpower his senses.

While Ahsoka managed to escape the blaster fire from him and his men, he was relieved to learn after his chip was removed that you were in your quarters when the order happen, giving you time to hide in the vents.

He was so afraid that his men might’ve gotten you. But he could see the fear and realization on your face when he woke up from his chip removal.

“Fives…” you said in a hushed voice as you three ran to open the hangar doors. “He was right about everything.”

Rex reached for your hand and gave a hard squeeze. “I know, but it weren’t for him, I would’ve killed…”

He couldn’t say it. The thought of you or Ahsoka being executed out of his own will, he—

He just didn’t want to imagine it.

But things worsened. The cruiser was beginning to break apart as they got out of hyperspace and the cruiser was on its way to crashing on a moon.

His men. His brothers who he loved so much, were all waiting for them at the main hangar. Willing to kill themselves trying to complete the mission.

Tears were streaming down his face as he argued this realization to you and Ahsoka.

You knew more than anyone how he felt. Removing his helmet, you pressed you forehead against his in affection. “Rex…it’s okay. I know your brothers. Ahsoka and I know that they are good soldiers and this isn’t their fault.”

He knew they might not have a chance in finding a ship and leaving, but he went with the plan of trying to reason with Jesse, his little vod, on not killing you or Ahsoka. But Rex already knew his brother was long gone, lost somewhere in his mind. He was desperate when it didn’t work and they kept firing at them.

To add to the ongoing mess of things, their chance of escape was taken away by Maul when he took the last remaining shuttle.

They were reaching the moon’s surface rapidly and running out of time.

“Wait,” you called out to Rex. “I see another unharmed ship. There!” You pointed to the Y-wing bomber.

You deflected the blaster shots away as you three ran towards it. Using the force, you wasted no time in pushing Rex towards the ship and jumping your way over.

“There’s only two seats!” exclaimed Rex in panic. “What do we do?”

Your heart seized at the problem. You looked over at Ahsoka who you realized didn’t make it over to the ship, still trying to hold the clones back. She wasn’t going to last long.

“Rex…” you called out, voice strained.

He looked to you, face contorted in anxiety. “What is it?”

You took his helmet off so you could stare at his face one last time. “You know that I love you, right?” you said breathlessly. “More than anything, more than life itself…”

“Y/N stop—“

You kissed him, one last time, savoring his lips as tears leaked from your eyes. “I’m so sorry.”  

You shut the cockpit canopy before he could stop you. “I hope one day you can forgive me.”

He was screaming your name and it broke your heart in two. Rex tried opening the canopy but it was too late.

“Ahsoka go!” You force pushed the clones out of the way and continued to deflect your lightsaber against their firing.

“No, I’m not—”

You didn’t let her finish. Using your remaining strength, you push your friend towards the ship. Rex felt the cruiser begin to tilt, watching how it made you lose your balance and fall towards the opening of the hangar. The cruisers billowing speed and harsh winds caused the Y-wing bomber to fly out before Rex and Ahsoka had a chance to help you.

As Rex gained control of the ship, he maneuvered through the rubble trying to see if you were alive, possibly hanging onto debris. He didn’t see you. Instead moments later, he found your mangled body in the debris along with his brothers.

He fell to his knees, gathering your body in his arms and wept. His watery eyes gazed at your form, noting the blood matted on your head that must’ve been from something blunt that collided with your head. The dried blood from your nose and mouth. And the most haunting thing of all was your (e/c) eyes, staring lifelessly at the sky.

It only made him cry out in anguish.

Ahsoka watched from afar as her friend mourn, silently crying at everything that went down. She felt the connection between her and her master die and now, you were gone too. To save her and Rex.

Rex reached a shaky hand over to close your eyes. He didn’t want to leave you here, but what choice did he have? Someone was going to come to evaluate the site soon. They had to leave.

Rex and Ahsoka took one last look at the burial site they made and left with a creeping feeling of numbness. When they went into orbit, Rex stared at the moon below while reaching for his necklace that held the hologram of you he hid under his shirt.

Pressing the device to his lips he whispered, “I love you… and I forgive you, my cyare”

They made the jump to hyperspace, uncertain of what their future would entail now.

***

“Did you ever go back to the crash site?” Ezra asked a little after Rex finished talking.

“No,” sighed Rex. “The place for all I know could be swarming with Imperial probe droids or they probably took whatever they deemed important.”

Ezra reached over to put a hand on his shoulder in a comforting gesture. “I might not know (Y/N), but from what you’ve told me, I think they would be proud of where you are now.”

Rex smiled at the young Jedi. “I’d like to think so too.”

***

All beings become one with the Force after death.

That’s what you’ve been told along with all Jedi.

Yet you didn’t feel like you were apart of the Force. Sure you could feel it binding you, but it was nothing like you’ve imagined. You thought that after death, you wouldn’t recall your past life, but you did. Or that you wouldn’t be aware of anything that’s happening in the universe.

You are able to see and acknowledge what’s become of this universe. And you're horrified of it. You’re horrified of what you know.

The only thing you’re thankful for is that the one’s you cared about made it out alive.

Ahsoka, you gathered, is following a path you knew suited her apart from the Jedi ways and you couldn’t be even more happy for her.

As for Rex, you never left his side after death, just not in the way you expected. He couldn’t see you. No one could unless they were Jedi. But that only happened when you wanted to be seen.

But you’ve watched over him after all this time and watched his struggle in adjusting to a new life as a free man. That didn’t mean you couldn’t feel his guilt though. His guilt that he lived whereas his brothers didn’t and lastly, his guilt over you.

You were filled with sadness whenever he grieved over you, like what he was doing now. Sitting by himself, staring at the hologram you gifted him.

You hated that you couldn’t talk to him or that you couldn’t give him some sort of comfort. There was so much you wanted to say to him, but oh how you couldn’t wait to speak to him to again. It’s only a matter of time.

For now, all you can do now is be in his presence, wishing he knew you were here.

[saeransangel]

Fine Line

Spencer Reid x Reader

*Trigger Warning*

Warnings: addiction(use of narcotics/opioids), swearing, angst

**This is in NO way condoning the use of drugs or glorifying/romanticizing addiction... Many of the things in here are based off personal experiences I’ve been through in the past. I know how draining and horrible it is. This is a vent piece for me. Please do not read if you are uncomfortable with reading about drug use.

The reader starts to fall into a rough group of friends while occupying time when Spencer is away. As Spencer starts to catch on to her blossoming addiction, the reader admits she needs help.

Word Count: 2496.

You and your boyfriend, Spencer had finally gotten into bed together after a long day. He had just gotten back from a case in California and was completely exhausted. You on the other hand, were still recovering from a party you went to yesterday. You were told the night was fun, but it was all a blurred memory to you. After about three hours of sleeping together, the phone rings. It was Spencer’s cell.

“Hello?” He answered, his voice sounded tired and drained. You both knew it was the BAU calling. You sighed in annoyance. He had just gotten back, you haven’t gotten to spend any quality time together in two weeks and it was putting a strain on your relationship. Neither one of you said anything, but you could feel it. It was starting to feel different. The connection between you wasn’t as strong as it always had been, and that worried you. But you were too scared to bring it up. Not that there was ever time anyways.

“Okay, I’ll be right there.” Spencer said after a while. He hung up the phone and got out of bed, careful not to disturb you, though you were already awake.

“Spence, again?” You sighed.

“I’m sorry Y/N. I should only be gone a few days, then we can spend all week together.” He promised. You knew he was trying and it was just apart of the job, but recently it’s been too much. You’ve spent too much time away from him. 

“You said that last time, Spencer.” It came out more aggressive than you wanted and you instantly felt bad.

His eyes softened as he looked towards you. He sat down beside you and embraced you gently. “I really am sorry, Y/N. I love you so much, but this is my job.” He sounded so upset, knowing he hurt you. Slowly, you melted into his arms and wrapped your own around his slim figure.

“I know, I’m sorry, I just miss you so much when you’re gone.” You whispered, almost tearing up at the thought of being without him again. It might seem dramatic for only a few days, but he was your moral compass. It was hard without him around.

He kissed your forehead and gave you one last loving embrace before grabbing his Go Bag and leaving the bedroom.

As you lied back down into the now empty bed, you felt like you were sinking already. What was the point of this relationship if it was a constant revolving door of leaving and being together? Before you could get too deep into your thoughts, you heard a ping sound come from your phone. 

“Hey, Y/N, I know we just raged together last night, but I miss you so much already lol! Come to my place right now. Zoe is bringing the usual. It’s gonna be fun!!”

It was your friend Sam inviting you over for a party...at 2 am. You sat and stared at the message, wondering if it was a good idea to go. Your body still hadn’t fully recovered from last night, but you didn’t want to be alone tonight. You shot back a quick response and put some different clothes on that were fit for this type of party. As you headed out the door, your body was already feeling excited for the rush this night was going to give you.

When you arrived at Sam’s house, you took a deep and shaky breath. Was this really what you wanted to turn to? Finding comfort in a six hour euphoria? Whatever your better judgement told you, it was too late. You were already getting out of the car and walking up to the house that was flooding with people and blaring loud music. You stepped through the front door and took in your surroundings. Sam, Zoe and a few other people you recognized were sitting on the large sectional couch, passing a blunt around with each other.

“Y/N! You’re here!” Zoe shouted over the music. You approach the group with a vibrant smile. You took the blunt from Sam and took a long drag off it. The smoke filled your lungs. It felt good, you slowly started to relax.

“You look like shit.” Sam said bluntly. “What happened to you?”

A long sigh escaped from your lips. “I’m still a mess from last night I guess.” You replied trying to just laugh it off.

“It’s more than that, tell us what’s wrong?” She pushed. You didn’t really want to tell her, but at the same time you needed to vent. They were always there for you. Why was now any different?

“It’s Spencer. He’s always leaving me because he has to go fly across the country to do whatever it is he’s doing!” You didn’t mean for that to sound as selfish as it did, and you knew if Spencer ever heard you say that he would be crushed. He loved you unconditionally, and here you were acting self-centered and mean. “He’s means well though, I know he loves me. But it’s hard someti-”

Zoe spoke up. “Save it, Y/N/N. We understand.” You gave her an apologetic smile. You shouldn’t have said anything. Spencer is the best boyfriend you could ever ask for, even if he was gone more often than you would like, you loved him and he would never talk about you like this. The feeling of missing him was being overtaken by the guilt you felt from talking about him leaving. Tears welled in your eyes. You looked down to try and hide the fact that you were now a teary mess.

“Y/N/N, we’re here for you.” Sam said while rubbing circles on the small of your back. The music was blaring so loud you almost didn’t hear her. You recognized the song. CANT SAY  By Travis Scott. You smiled, remembering all the amazing ragers you went to with Sam, Zoe, and the others. 

Your reminiscing was cut short. You noticed Zoe placed a small bag on the table that everyone was sitting around. There where small, circular, white pills inside. Your heart dropped into your stomach. “Is that...” Your voice trailed off.

“Oxy? Yes, ma’am it is.” Zoe smirked. You instantly got the feeling you shouldn’t have come tonight. In the past you struggled with a lot of substance abuse issues. Opioids in particular. It started after a surgery, Valium, then  Hydrocodone, then it escalated to Oxycontin. You even rolled on molly every so often. But you went to rehab about three years ago. You were clean, apart from the occasional marijuana use which seemed to becoming more and more frequent.

“I don’t know if I should. I haven’t in years.” You try and protest. They didn’t seem to care. Zoe grabbed two out of the bag and held them out for you. Upon reflex, you opened your hand and watched as the two pills fell into the palm of your hand. The whole group was looking at you, waiting. Sam popped one into her mouth and swallowed it. She looked eagerly at you. Part of you didn’t want to throw all the years of sobriety down the drain, but the bigger part of you wanted to stop feeling the guilt and the loneliness you felt when Spencer was away.

You didn’t even remember putting them in your mouth, you just remember the feeling of them sliding down your throat. After about twenty minutes, you felt the effects of the narcotic. Your body felt light and weightless. Your thoughts were cloudy. Why were you even here? This is fun right? As you danced through the crowd with your friends, you felt a moment of euphoria as ypu forgot the reason you came here in the first place.

Two Days Later...

You woke up on a scratchy couch that was definitely not apart of your home. You took in your surroundings, head pounding. You were still at Sam’s house. You grabbed your phone to check the time. It was probably late the next day...

“It’s been two days?” You gasped. You shot up, looking for Sam. Her house was so big, you didn’t even know where to look. Luckily you didn’t have to go far. She was in the kitchen with Zoe and another guy named Jared. They all laughed and turned towards you as you walked in.

“Look who decided to wake up,” Zoe teased. 

You glared at her. “It’s not funny.” You spat. “How long was I asleep?”

“Only, like ten hours, chill.” Sam laughed awkwardly.

“I got here Friday night, its Sunday now.” You were growing impatient. So many questions raced through your mind.

“Yeah... we were together partying all weekend, are you okay?” Zoe urged.

“I don’t remember anything except for Friday night.” You admitted. Instinctively you checked your phone again. Your eyes widened. 

Missed Calls: Spencer Reid(16)

Upon looking further you found dozens of texts, to which you replied, “At Sam’s party!” You had no recollection of sending that.

Spence: What?! Why are you with her??

The most recent text was from a few hours ago.

Spence: Hey angel, I’m just checking in on you... You’ve sent me one text the past couple days. Are we okay? I love you so much. I’ll be home in a few hours. Please call me. 

Your heart broken into a million pieces. Your free hand covered your mouth in an attempt to stop the sobs from coming out of your mouth. You stared down and the phone in your shaky hands. He knew who these girls were. He knew they always were trouble and fueled your addiction in the past. You knew he was concerned for you. The thought of him being upset and not being able to see you was suffocating. Zoe and Sam rushed over to you right away.

“Hun, what’s wrong.” Sam pleaded with you. You didn’t want to be here anymore. You hated them for doing this to you. For doing this to Spencer. You hated yourself even more. You needed to get out.

“Get away from me.” You cried. Fighting there grip, you pulled away from them. You ran into the living room and sat on the floor, back leaning against the sofa.

The two girls followed you into the living room, worried looks strewn across their face. Before they could say anything, the doorbell rang. Sam paused before going to open the door.

“Spencer...” She exclaimed surprised. You looked up. The tears wouldn’t stop falling now.

“Y/N, where is she?” He said sternly and he pushed his way through the door. He looked around for a minute before his eyes finally fell on you. He immediately rushed over to you. The look in his brown eyes told you that he knew what you had done. You knew you looked like a mess. It was a dead give away.

“I’m so sorry, Spencer.” You sobbed. His warm arms wrapped around you so tightly you thought you couldn’t breathe, but you didn’t mind. You needed this. 

“You’re going to be okay, Y/N. We can get through this. I promise.” He whispered. You closed your eyes and melted into his comforting touch.

“Is she going to be okay?” Zoe pressed. “I mean, you keep leaving her to go do God knows what. Did you know that’s why she came here.”

Spencer’s grip on you loosened. He leaned back to get a good look at you, trying to see if it was true. NO. This was not his fault. Not after everything he’s been through. You’d be damned if you were going to let him think this was his fault too.

“Shut up.” You said venomously.  She shot you a confused glare. “Don’t you ever speak to him like that EVER!”

“What? I’m trying to defend you?” She shouted. You couldn’t believe her. You couldn’t believe yourself. Everything felt like it was spiraling.

“You’re not defending me. You’re trying to drive the one person that loves me away!” You were screaming now.

Zoe walked closer to you, she was in your face. “At least I care about you!” Her voiced boomed through the house.

“If you really cared about me you wouldn’t have gave me the fucking drugs in the first place.” You wailed. Spencer grabbed you arm. Your head whipped back to look at him. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes. You let out a despondent sigh at the sight of him. You never wanted any of this. You just wanted him to stay. Now look what happened.

 Lost in your thoughts, you hadn’t even noticed Spencer guiding you out the door. He put his arm around you, and without another word to Sam or Zoe, you got into his car.

It was silent for the whole car ride home. You were thinking of all the ways to apologize to him, all the reasons he had to leave you, all the reasons why you didn’t deserve him. When you both arrived back to his apartment, you broke down.

“Spencer, I’m so sorry. It’s not your fault. None of this is.” You sobbed.” It’s all mine. I’m sorry. I love you so much. Please, don’t lea-”

You were cut off by a pair of strong arms embracing you. How did you get so lucky to have a man like Spencer in your life? “Y/N, it’s okay.” He cooed.

“It’s not!” you cried, pushing him away. He looked confused and sad, which only made you cry more. “I’m supposed to take care of you. You’ve gone through so much with your job, your mom, everything. You don’t deserve this, Spence. I don’t deserve you.”

He examined your weak figure before giving you the softest smile you’ve ever seen. “If there’s one thing you have taught me, Y/N, it’s that it’s okay to need a little help sometimes. Recovery is not linear. Slip ups can happen. I know you didn’t want this, but I love you and I’m not going anywhere.” He declared. He slowly wrapped his arms around you again and you let him. He held you as you cried and he didn’t let go even when you stopped the relentless sobbing. His soft hands traced patterns on your back while he listened to your breathing regulate. 

“Nothing you could ever do would make me leave you.” He whispered.  “Because I love you. Nothing can change that.”

You kissed his neck delicately, amazed at how insanely lucky you were to have him around. “Thank you Spencer. I love you so fucking much.” He held you tighter, letting you know that you were safe and everything was going to be okay.

A tear slipped down your cheek. But this wasn’t from sadness. It was from adoration. You knew with your full heart that Spencer loved you, and he was going to get through this with you. One step at a time.

[faresramettas]

prima di sorridere un po’ (eng trans, repost)

i decided to take my translation of this italian fic of mine off ao3 because i never really liked the idea of translating it in the first place, and when i see it between my works it doesn’t make me happy. i’m sorry! i definitely have a love/hate relationship with this fic and its translation, however i don’t want it to be completely gone because it’s over 3k too and it took time and effort, so i’ll be posting it here. 

a couple of notes before reading: this is set in june next year, when marti is about to take maturità. maturità is the exam italian students take at the end of the 5 years of high school. notte prima degli esami (the night before exams) is a song about maturità and peak italian culture. there’s even a movie about it. the night before exams is supposed to be a big deal.

read below!

Martino was screwed. The day before maturità, when all he wanted to do was drown his sorrows in liters of beer, the truth was that he was behind on his history program, he hadn’t even touched his literature book and if he had to translate another text from Greek he’d throw up on the dictionary. His days were split between study groups, Eva and the girls for history and philosophy, Giovanni, Elia and Luchino for maths, only to go back home and keep revising, head bent over his desk or lying on his bed surrounded by books. Martino was good at school, he’d finished his essay a month ago, he had nothing to worry about, his mom kept telling him to reassure him. But anxiety was the issue, that fear of disappointing his and other people’s expectations that twisted his stomach and wouldn’t make him sleep. On top of that, he hadn’t seen Niccolò in almost a week. Martino had been the one to reluctantly force this distance, after the umpteenth study afternoon turned make-out session, turned fucking on his bed. “I can help you study, you know.” “You know perfectly well that when we’re together we never end up doing shit,” Marti had replied, running his fingers through Nico’s sweaty curls sticking to his forehead. “Case in point.” “But we barely see each other,” Nico had whined, rolling to lie on top of him. Marti had chuckled and wrapped his arms around his waist. It was almost the end of June and Rome was already too hot. Nico, naked and glued to him from chest to ankles, definitely wasn’t helping him fight the heat but Marti would have never complained. “I know, Ni. Just for a few days. I need to focus on terza prova. Then you can help me prepare for the oral exam.” “Okay,” Nico had sighed, a slow smirk making its way on his face. “Nerd.” “Fuck off. In case you forgot, you have exams, too,” Marti had teased him. Nico had rolled his eyes and mocked him. Marti had pinched his sides in retaliation and flipped their position in one swift move, earning himself a surprised gasp from Nico, who’d looked at him and pulled him down by his hair for a kiss. Schopenhauer can wait, Marti had thought. He missed Nico. They talked on the phone every day but it wasn’t the same. He was right, they’d been seeing each other less since he’d started university. It was an inevitable change that they’d made up for in advance, spending the previous summer always glued to each other. But they’d adapted to it, more or less, at least until January. Nico hadn’t been able to take all the exams he'd planned on his first winter session because his head had had other plans. Martino had been by his side every day, from the moment Anna had called him on Wednesday to tell him Niccolò hadn’t shown up to his first exam and was refusing to get out of bed. He had rushed to his house after school and all he’d needed was one good look at him to understand how bad it was and that Nico wouldn’t say a word. So he’d just laid down next to him, hugged him and stroked his hair, whispering in his ear that he was there, that he’d have to go home tonight because he hadn’t warned his mom but tomorrow he’d be back and sleep with him. The next day he’d brought a duffel bag with a change of clothes and his toothbrush at school and had asked his mom if he could sleep over at Niccolò’s for a couple of days, that had eventually turned into four. Finally, on the third day, Nico had gotten everything that was torturing him out, an avalanche of self-pitying and distorted opinions on his worth that Martino wanted to pull like weeds. “I should have never enrolled in uni. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing there. I don’t even know if I like sociology. I’m just wasting my time and flushing my parents’ money down the toilet. As if I wasn’t causing them enough problems already. I can’t do anything, I’m just a burden to everyone I know.” Marti had let him vent because he’d learned it was the best thing to do, even when listening to those words filled him with anguish. Marti’s heart broke every time Nico’s head didn’t allow him to see just how wonderful he was. In those moments, Marti wished he could lend Nico his eyes so he could see himself through them. “And you, Marti? I don’t even know where you find the patience to bother with me. You don’t deserve to have a noose around your neck at eighte—” He had interrupted him, then. He’d taken Nico’s face in his hands and looked him straight in the eyes, and one by one he’d tore down every single unfounded word that had come out of his mouth until Nico had stopped crying and had given him a small smile full of gratitude. Marti had spent the next two days on a mission to make him feel better. Cuddling him, taking a bath together, changing his sheets, making Nico eat and smile in front of his parents too, following the minute by minute motto that had become a pillar of their lives, a philosophy they’d both embraced outside of their relationship too. Three weeks later, they had celebrated Nico acing his first exam. Nico hadn’t had episodes as bad as that one in months and Martino hoped that the summer session wouldn’t bring a relapse. Although Nico still talked about his doubts on his choice of university every once in a while, he’d managed to settle in and make some friends. He still preferred the company of Martino and his friends, though, who scolded him all the time, because instead of helping them sneak into university parties full of hot girls, he was still spending his Friday nights drinking Peccio’s artisanal beer with them and listening to Giovanni’s relationship woes. Two years after their breakup and despite the short Argentina chapter, Giovanni still hadn't gotten over Eva and had decided he would try one last time before the end of their exams. Nico had been offended by their comments. He knew he was welcome. Martino had met his new acquaintances and, as nice as they were, his friends were better. Giovanni, Elia and Luchino had complained, yesterday, about Niccolò’s absence, because he’d always helped them study in the previous weeks and most importantly, as a survivor of the worst maturità in history, he had helped them not panic. “The last days are crucial, bro. Nico could’ve helped us,” Luchino had said. “Well, I can’t focus when he’s around. If you miss him so much, you can always text him, okay?” Martino had snapped. “Okay, calm down,” Elia had commented. Marti had swallowed and apologized. “Sorry, bro. I’m freaking out.” Gio had squeezed his shoulder and stared at him with that searching look he always had when he understood that something was wrong. Martino had sighed and complained about the derivatives exercises he couldn’t solve to change the topic, asking Elia for help. Because, yes, Elia was the best at maths out of all of them, although no one would have guessed. They had started seeing each other less and less sometime around April. Because Marti’s study load had tripled in an attempt to raise his grades in the last months of school and write his final essay in advance, so as not to worry about it in June. Because Nico, maybe suddenly nostalgic of Radio Osvaldo, had joined the university radio as a volunteer and had started giving piano lessons to earn some money, something that would give him a sense of independence. Those weekends spent in bed that used to be their routine were almost a miracle now. They barely managed to see each other twice a week, and never for two days in a row. It was hard, but Marti knew that it wasn’t forever. He cheered himself up thinking that soon they’d have entire weeks of sweet nothing and that they’d take a trip to Berlin together to celebrate Martino’s maturità on the first week of August. Niccolò wouldn’t stop talking about it, how he couldn’t wait to be there, to see the East Side Gallery and the Museum Island, to go to bars, to have Martino alone to himself in a hotel room for five days, and Martino had started counting down the days in his head, because Niccolò was Olympic champion of contagious enthusiasm. But today was the day before maturità and Martino was screwed. Because of all the stress and anxiety, he had slept six hours in total over three nights and he was on edge. Maybe that’s why when Niccolò showed up at his front door unannounced in the late afternoon, he didn’t react the way he would have expected too. “Ni, what are you doing here?” “I missed you,” Niccolò said, kissing him on the lips and making his way into the living room. “Don’t you want to spend the night before exams with me?” he added, chuckling. “Yes,” Martino replied, hesitating. He immediately recognized the signs of Niccolò’s impulsive behavior in his jerky head movements and the way his hands were shaking, and he furrowed his brows, worried. “But I have to study.” “For what? It’s just an essay.” “For everything else…” Martino mumbled. There was a small part of him that was almost flattered that Niccolò couldn't resist more than six days before knocking on his door, but something about his teasing was ticking him off. Maybe Niccolò got it from the tone of his voice and he stepped closer, resting a gentle hand on his neck and searching his eyes. “Aren’t you happy to see me?” “Of course, I am,” Marti smiled at him, trying to relax. “I can leave if you want, huh,” Niccolò said, raising his brows and tilting his head. Marti shook his head. “Stay. But I really have to study. At least another couple of hours. Then we can do whatever you want.” He didn’t want to kick Niccolò out but he hoped he’d been clear: no distractions allowed. “Okay, okay. Don’t worry,” Niccolò said, taking his hand and leading them to Martino’s room. “How are you? What are you studying?” “Greek. I wanna die.” “Shut up and be grateful you didn’t have last year’s fucking latin-greek combo,” Niccolò said, throwing himself on Martino’s bed while Martino resumed his place at his desk. He smiled, remembering the desperation on the fifth-year boys’ faces when the new seconda prova with both languages was announced. The worst maturità in history. And luckily, the only one. Marti picked up his copies of old translations, scribbled with pencil on the margins and heavily underlined. He wasn’t bad at it, obviously Latin was easier than Greek, but he couldn’t wait to abandon these shitty dead languages, like Giovanni always called them. Niccolò managed to stay put on his bed for about 10 minutes before he came behind Martino and bent down to hug his shoulders. Martino had to hold himself back from rolling his eyes. He didn’t know why having Niccolò around was bothering him. He didn’t like feeling like this. It’d never happened before, and Martino knew it was his problem. “Ni,” he warned him. “Marti,” Nico replied, sing-songy. That unpleasant feeling twisting Marti’s stomach just kept building up. “I’m in deep shit, Ni. I mean it.” “Just spend ten minutes with me, what difference does it make? You barely said hi to me,” he said, with a sweet whiny voice. Martino was sure he was pouting too. “Can you wait until I finish this? Please, please, please," he begged too, looking up. If Nico could pout, he could use his puppy eyes. “Okay, okay,” Nico sighed, “got it. I’ll be good. I won’t move.” He lied on the bed again, pretending to be very still like a robot. Marti smiled at him, mumbling an apologetic “thank you” and turning in his chair to stick his nose back in the dictionary. “Don’t you have to study too? Why didn’t you bring your books?” Marti commented offhandedly. Niccolò sighed. “Fuck, Marti, you sound like my mom.” “Why? What did I say?” “You think I don’t know when I’m supposed to study or not?” Martino was taken aback by Nico’s snappy reply. And that was it, that pushed him over the edge. If there was anything that Martino had learned in the year and a half with Niccolò, it was that his patience went way over the limits he’d always thought he had. Being with him had brought out a better version of himself, a Martino who knew how to listen, how to think before he spoke, who always put Nico before himself, and this selflessness had never felt like an obligation, Martino had never felt forced to do it. The bitterness, pettiness and smallness that he had held before Nico only resurfaced after conversations with his dad or in moments of psychological and physical weakness caused by stress and insomnia, two things he hadn’t learned how to cope with yet. They made him lash out, even with his mom when she didn’t deserve it, and apparently, even with the boy he loved more than anything in the world. There were days when Martino couldn't handle his own emotions, let alone Niccolò’s unpredictable ones, and the pedestal he sometimes felt he was on crumbled. This is how Martino was feeling today: small, petty, irascible, and Niccolò had come here thinking it would make him happy, but instead he’d become the catalyst of all the anxiety and nervousness Martino had accumulated over the last few weeks. “I was just saying. Chill.” He realized how much he sounded like an asshole as soon as the words left his mouth and he regretted them immediately. A few moments of awful silence passed and then Nico stood from the bed. “Okay, I get it. I’m leaving.” Marti shot up from his chair to grab his wrist. “Ni…” “I don’t wanna be here if I’m just a pain in the ass,” he said, looking everywhere but at Marti’s face, avoiding his gaze. “You’re not a pain in the ass. I’m sorry. I’m stressed, you know I can’t handle it,” he tried to apologize. “It’s not your fault.” “Sorry if I thought you’d be happy to see me. Call me after the written exams, or the oral. Or whenever the fuck you want,” Nico said, his voice low and full of bitterness. He turned towards the door and Marti pulled him back. “Stop it, please.” “We never see each other anyway,” Niccolò mumbled, finally tugging his arm out of Marti’s grip. “And that's my fucking fault, Ni?”, he snapped. He swallowed harshly. He’d raised his voice with Niccolò. He never thought he could be so stupid. Neither of them had ever yelled at the other, in a year and a half. They’d had hard moments, moments of tension, disagreements, but they’d never had a real fight. And why had he yelled at him? Because he was in a bad mood? I'm a piece of shit, he thought. “It's no one's fault if I have to study and you’re busy with uni,” Marti said, lowering his voice and his gaze. His head was pulsing and he rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger. Niccolò, standing three feet between him and the door, bit his trembling lower lip and said nothing. His hands were clenched by his sides. Martino sighed and continued. “Of course I miss you, and it pisses me off that we don’t see each other often… but I just needed you to do me this favor, today.” “I see,” Niccolò nodded. “And I’m so useless and needy that I couldn’t even do this one thing?” Marti closed his eyes and sighed, again. “I never said that, why do you have to do this? Ni, please,” he stepped closer to touch his face but Nico moved away like his palm was scalding. Marti looked at him and lowered his arm, waiting for him to talk. Nico kept biting his lip and nervously bouncing his leg. “You know uni isn't going well. That my parents are badgering me about it. You know it. There’s no need for you to always remind me about it too,” Niccolò said, finally looking at him. His shoulders were shaking, and his green eyes were full of hurt. All the hurt Martino had caused. “If you hate seeing me, just say it.” I don’t understand why you hate spending time with me so much, his mom had told him, so long ago that Martino didn’t even remember when. He only remembered it was before he made up with Nico, before the terrace, because Martino had become such a different person ever since things had started working out with him that he would have never expected to hear almost the same exact words coming from his boyfriend. They hit him like a ton of bricks and Marti physically felt the fight drain out of him. Every cell In his body abandoned the fight and, this time, he thought carefully before he spoke, while Niccolò looked at him like he was waiting for the next blow. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I swear. When I’m like this… I act out, I can't stand myself. I can’t explain how sorry I am, Ni,” he whispered. “I just wanted to spend some time with you.” “I know. It’s not your fault. I’m just an asshole.” There’s always a turning point in an argument, when according to the words you choose the fight can go on or die out. Marti had given Niccolò the chance to choose an out. He hoped he would take it. “Hm. Yeah, a little bit.” Marti smiled at him, grateful, and closed the distance between them to hug him tight. He hugged him for minutes and Nico held him back, hiding his face in his shoulder. Marti kissed him and whispered apologies on his lips that Nico returned with a soft smile. “You know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna close the books, jump in bed and--” “You don’t have to fuck up your study session because of me. Go on. But let me help,” Nico interrupted him. He took Martino’s notebooks and dictionary and put them on the floor, in the little corner under the window with the pillows and carpet, where they loved to spend hours cuddled up under a blanket next to the radiator in winter. He sat down and looked up at Marti, patting the floor next to him like you would do to invite a shy cat. “You sure?” Marti asked, sitting down by Nico’s side and hugging his knees to his chest. Niccolò nodded. Marti thought about it and then grabbed his notebooks, photocopies and dictionary and threw them by the foot of his bed, ignoring Niccolò’s amused protests. “No, fuck it. I want to be with you. Talk to me. How are you?” Nico smiled at him. He leaned his head against the wall and turned to look him in the eyes. “I miss you,” he whispered, fragile, shaken by a fight that had had no reason to exist, that should have never happened. Marti felt the raw honesty of those words hit him in the chest. “I miss you, too.” They kissed, and Marti kept muttering apologies until Nico forced him to stop, fondly exasperated. They talked while Marti’s hands played with Nico’s, twirled his curls, stroked his cheeks. They talked, but for the most part they just held each other, because sometimes silence healed better than words. The vibration of Marti’s phone startled him. It was a voice message from Gio. “Oi, Marti, we’re all meeting up at Baretto later. The girls are coming too. It’s the night before exams and you’re coming, don’t even bother with an excuse. And bring Nico cause we all miss him. Okay, bro?” Marti laughed and looked at Nico with a complicit smile. “Feel up to spending your night surrounded by a bunch of high-schoolers singing Venditti?” Niccolò laughed too, that whole-body laugh, chin lowered and eyes crinkling. That laugh that Martino had fallen in love with on that mid-October day on Nico's couch. Then Nico looked up and scooted closer to give him a kiss. “I’d be offended if I missed it.”

[fierceeeebravery]

If there were one to love him after me:

-He absolutely hates mayonnaise

-His car is his first love

-When he says “I’m okay” but the tone in his text has changed, don’t believe him and do not go to bed until you’ve done everything you can to comfort him

-He hates anything petty, don’t leave him on read, don’t give attitude, don’t rub anything in his face, it’s dumb to do that I promise

-If you are 100% with him, I promise he will be 110% with you

-Patience, patience, patience

-He will bring up the one’s before you, he may even bring me up, do not run away, it doesn’t mean he has any less love for you, they came before you, they came before me, it’s okay, he chose you for a reason.

-If something upsets you, tell him, do not give attitude, do not yell at him, do not block him, simply tell him, he will respect you more for it.

-He doesn’t fall asleep easily in the afternoons, napping may be hard.

-If he asks you to go to the gym but you just got all dressed up, I promise it’ll be more fun going with him.

-Give your whole heart to him, don’t give him half, don’t give him most, give him your whole heart.

-He is going to have a girl best friend, it won’t be you, still trust him.

-He doesn’t like drinking, when he does though and he is unable to control himself, text his best friend to make sure they both make it home safe, I’m not sure if you fall asleep easily like I do but try to stay up till he’s home safe.

-Become best friends with his mom, if you let her in, she will let you in.

-If his mother is home, and you are going over to pick him up, go down and talk to her while he’s getting ready, she’ll love you for it and she’ll even tell you all about her job, which is honestly pretty kick ass.

-His mom will support you and will see the love you have for him in your eyes.

-He will call you cute nicknames, he will call you nicknames to roast you, appreciate both.

-His car used to have blue lights at one point, they were pretty cool and he loved em. 

-Ask his mom about her garden, her face will brighten with the biggest smile and it’ll make your heart warm.

-The little things are everything, I promise.

-If he texts you drunk asking if he should take that 11th shot, do not listen, abort mission, nope, no. 

-If you send him a selfie he will most likely screenshot it and compliment your beauty, this is where the little things comes into play, it’ll make you smile and realize how good you’ve got it, always remember. 

-It’s cute when he gets embarrassed, love him for it.

-That boy will do everything in his power to protect you and to keep you away from any harm, never abuse that and always appreciate him.

-He doesn’t like the heat at all, he’s more of a fall/winter person, so don’t expect summer park days

-Playing video games is so underrated nowadays, never pass up an offer to play them with him, we promised one day we’d play Call of Duty: Zombies together, we probably will, don’t play that game together because that’s ours, but you will find your own game together.

-Support that boy no matter what, he will always do the same for you

-Do not push him away, he deserves the world, give it to him.

-He doesn’t give himself half as much credit as he deserves, it’ll drive you crazy because of how much you adore him.

-His friends may roast the relationship, even if they may love you two together, expect it to happen.

-There’s only one slowpoke and speed, I’m sorry.

-Disrespect him and you disrespect me, he will tell me, I will slowpoke contact you, I don’t “shaft” unless it comes to him. Like I said, he deserves the world, I’m going to make sure he gets that regardless of who it is from. 

-When you’re in a tunnel and you’re sitting in his passenger seat and he’s about to speed up to give you a rush, hold him close. 

-He forgets to eat a lot, especially when school comes around, if you are fortunate enough to have him at the same school, always make sure he’s eating, even if you’re far away, show him you care.

-I will always want what’s best for him, if you need advice on how to give that to him, text me, message me, find me, I will greet you with warm hello’s and probably will even ask to meet up with you.

-He will roast you if your car is crusty, you’ll laugh because you’ll still adore him.

-The feeling when he pulls you in close and hugs you tighter than anyone ever has will be worth every heartbreak before him.

-When he gives you advice, don’t get butthurt, open yourself to him, he wants what’s best for you, he knows what he’s talking about, if he didn’t he wouldn’t be giving you that advice.

-Respect him behind closed doors, respect him in front of his friends, and respect him around his family.

-You don’t always have to be doing something, hanging out at home is always fun too.

-Sprinkles.   

-Sundays are family Firehouse Subs day, just for future references.

-It is not easy for him to fully trust a girl, when the day comes wheres he has fully let you in, hold onto that boy and never let go. 

-When men look at you with dirty intentions in their minds while you two are in public he will become irritated, not with you, but with them, this is the protective side of him coming into play, it’ll attract you to him even more.

-Just hand him the aux cord, you’ll save yourself from a roast girlie.

-He will be there for you with whatever you need, whether you need to cry, whether you need to vent, whether you need to roast someone who pissed you off that day, he’ll even give you a massage.

-He will be the one who thinks he doesn’t deserve you, just know he does, and remind him by constant reassurance. 

-Don’t play “tough girl” because I promise it won’t make him want you more, it’ll just annoy him too and honestly will annoy me if you do that to him. Like I said, I’m always here, he will tell me. 

-He has the cutest mean mug, without even trying.

-That little smile he gives you when you say something super dumb, but then brings you in for a kiss, will melt you. 

-He doesn’t settle, so know if he loves you, he does for a reason, and he feels it’s right.

-Always ask him about his childhood, about Christy, let him tell you stories, let him tell you how his mind works, get to know him and his interests, where his mind wanders, how he’s gotten to where he is. 

-Show him off. 

-He will never give up on you, he will never stop fighting for you, don’t ever give up on him. I couldn’t hold on due to something out of my control but with you, with you… you have a chance, make it work, deal with the mess later, don’t let that boy go. He put his all into you, put your all into him. 

-He’s ticklish, use that to your advantage :)

-He doesn’t like school, neither do I, so constantly motivate him, even if you aren’t so motivated yourself, tell him he will achieve nothing but greatness, I believe it, you will believe it, make sure he does as well. 

-Ice cream cone dates, you can never go wrong.

-Girl if you think you’re gonna get his password you’re funny, I may be a slowpoke but I swear it’s tougher than you think.

-Admire and appreciate the cute snaps he will take when you two are together.

-Sometimes you’ll wake up to 32 messages from him, it may be screenshots, it may be something he thought of at 2:43AM, it may even just him wanting to tell you he loves you, you’ll wake up and you’ll smile because you’ll realize how in love you are with this boy. 

-There may also be days where he hasn’t texted all day, remember that although he may be busy, you are his priority, and that he will check in to see how your day is when he gets the chance, don’t nag about small things like that because I promise you can’t let little things like that upset you. Be understanding.

-No amount of time will ever be enough with him, you’ll never want to let go.

-Be honest with him, he respects it a lot more than sugarcoating things.

-His touch will feel like coming home after a long day.

-You’re gonna mess up his hair, it’s bound to happen, it’s kinda fun lol he’s adorable man 

-Yes his glasses are prescription, one of his eyes has a c…. I don’t know what its called I forgot but just know one of his eyes has it.

-He likes smoking with his friends, roast him, but don’t actually get upset with him, you may do something else to take the edge off, that’s his thing, let him enjoy it. 

-All of the love songs will soon be about him. 

-Be vulnerable to him, that’s where the true love kicks in.

-Tenderness, tenderness, tenderness.

-Go through it together, grow through it together.

-He’s a slowpoke, he will mess up with the best intentions in his heart, never forget his love for you, this is where the best friend part kicks in, take the time to understand where he’s coming from before getting upset, understand the situation, and remember….he is choosing to be honest with you. 

-Save all of the pictures, the screenshots, the snaps, when you’re having a bad day you’ll always have them to look back at. and it’ll make it all okay.

-Take a second and think about what you’re about to say before you reply while angry, you can’t take those words back, and he doesn’t deserve to live with that.

-My thing always is: give yourself time to get back to the right state of mind before reacting. So if you’re in a fight, put the phone down, go on a run, think it through, hell even if you have to sleep on it, I promise it’s better than responding with harsh words that could hurt his heart for a while. 

-He doesn’t favor cardio, I’m still workin on getting him to go on runs with me but but we’ll get there :)

-Do. Not. Believe. Him. When. He. Says. He’s. Okay. That’s his strong soul kicking in, he will be okay because he is him, but comfort, comfort, comfort. He won’t just come out and say what’s bothering him, keep trying. 

-When he is too drunk to put together words and calls you, answer that phone with no hesitation. 

-I talk about that boy like he put the stars in the sky, if anyone ever even thinks about doubting him to you, prove them wrong, don’t be afraid to call them out, defend him in his absence, always. 

-I am sensitive, I am emotional at times, I overthink, but I let down every wall for him, I want you to trust him, I want you to be open with him, I want you to be honest with him, I want you to be forgiving with him, I want you to joke with him, I want you to tickle him, I want you to do it all with him, not just halfway. All of it. You’ll fall in love and you’ll never turn back. If anything, you’ll never want to turn back. You won’t regret it for a second. 

[originaldetectivesheep]

A Life of Riley Part 4: The Dumptrucks of the Gods ch 6

Chapter 5

VI

For a space that'd had a metal bucket taped to a thermonuclear explosion drive itself up through the roof, then down again through the mangled beams and rebar, the Applied Physics lab wasn't in half bad shape.  Most of the machine tools hadn't been hit hard enough by anything to be crushed, the gas tanks and the other welding supplies had miraculously gotten saved when an I-beam smashed only most of the way through the isolation fridge, and though nearly all of the capacitors had ruptured at some point, they hadn't melted down, so the lab was only ankle-deep in motor oil when we got back, not on fire and poisoned with burning copper.  It was a big job cleaning up and it would be a long time before we could replace all our equipment – predictably, everything electronic not inside the Raging Potato had shorted itself out when we fired all the capacitors at once to start the engine – but even putting the roof back together was something to do as a project, and there's always interesting physics you can do just on a workbench.

And that's what we were left with: the Potato's subsystems worked, and we scavenged them out to refit the lab as soon as we got all the oil off the floor, but the engine was completely dysfunctional, having given its last to get us all the way back down – or sometime after that, when we shut it down and crossed our fingers that it wouldn't explosively lose containment.  Of course, it was a miracle that it had worked at all: a crazy experimental design left in the jungle for sixty years, it had every right to stop working after its one trial.  Well, that's what we thought at first – when we found out that Riley had refilled the fuel reservoirs by hand to replace the decayed tritium and lithium deuteride with newer stocks gathered from…we were afraid to ask, we all considered it a miracle that it hadn't just blown up the entire campus instead.  Either way, there was no spare power to kick on with the graviton-detection test that Riley was still dreaming about, and there weren't enough reliably-functioning parts for the quantum dislocator even if we could put enough energy through it to shift state.  It was enough.  It was coming down to the end of the term, and I had enough to do with finishing my labs, finals, and non-Riley research work.  One big, excessively dangerous, near-impossible physics project per semester was just about enough.

"Jeez, was it even though," Riley said reflectively, tapping a wrench on the side of the Ceiba housing, essentially all that remained of the Potato, then pulling down to lift the bucket full of extra leads and flux up to where Leo was welding the ceiling back into place.  "I mean, even for this lab, that shit was wild.  Did we really do that? Did we really go to space and beat the crap out of a bunch of aliens, then bust on their game and half blow their ship in pieces?  It seems so friggin mental and even if we did it, I was half out of my gourd on Melanie's fish tequila and I've got huge chunks of just blackout in what I can remember."

"Oh, we did it," Sajitha said from over at her workbench, tweaking something connected to one of the microwave dishes.  "We got the hole in the roof from it, for one, and Remy got a scalp infection from that blood gunk that he had to shave off all of his hair for – I'm still mad about that.  And then there was the part where Yuping lost his shirt and his coveralls in the fish flood, and Carolína got stopped driving us home because some rentacop saw him shirtless and thought he was a teenage prostitute that had gotten trafficked in as part of a fake Korean boy-band.  We definitely went to orbit and beat the shit out of a bunch of aliens, because there is no other possible explanation for all this crap that is somehow less weird."  She shook her head and leaned over to fiddle with something on her laptop.

Riley nodded, backing away and looking carefully down at the floor as Leo lit his torch and started to spray sparks down from where he was attaching one of our former containment panels to the roof beams. "Yeah, I get it; it just seems so friggin out there, though – like something out of one of those bullshit wannabe novels all those weepy arts students are killing themselves to write this time of year.  You know about that?  I was on the bus minding my own business, like you do, and one of them is reading her shit out to another sad-sack buddy, for serious like a sex scene where one of the dudes was doing one of the other dudes with actions that were like 'assiduously' or 'adroitly' and I'm sitting there like are those even words?  And she to her credit was having like an existential panic attack about how bad it was, but the guy with her was like no, no, write through, keep going, finish it, it'll all get fixed in edit.  Edit.  You're shitting me.  What editor on earth isn't just going to throw that out the window?  Friggin kids."  I didn't know, and I didn't have much of a response to that, and it seemed like Riley was just venting rhetorically anyway, so I took an earbud off the top of my ear and put the right side of my brain, at least, back out to sea with Primordial, keeping the other one open in case something important happened here in the lab.

"At least the grinckles are gone," Riley said, slumping down in a chair by the parts bin to pick through for the start of another jigsaw-puzzle roof-panel replacement assembly.  "At least I have Wilson off my back, and you guys aren't getting stopped by weirdo paramilitaries doing fish genocide, and the dining halls almost don't stink like rutabagas baked on a trash fire any more.  At least there's that."

"Yeah, there's that, and you can definitely tell who came here straight from China now, because they've all lost ten pounds in three weeks and stand nine deep at the back of any talk there's a rumor there might be food at," Sajitha said, her fingers flying over her keyboard. "It's not all good news; I'm not crazy about the grinckles either, but if I knew that it was going to be that they were completely wiped out, I might have said something on the ship – tried to do something different."

"It is not our goddamned job," Riley said back, idly waving a wrench through the air, "to manage a sustainable fishery for an invasive species from another friggin planet, nor to fund an allegedly public university to the point that students do not need to go around dragging said invasive ET fish out of puddles to keep from starving to death.  We are a physics lab – we have a lot of other skills, and maybe because of that we do keep getting dragged into solving everyone else's godawful stupid problems, but sometimes, it's okay to at least try to stay in our lane and make literally everything our deal."  Riley looked up, and back over in my direction.

"Oh, yeah, on skills; Yuping, that punch you threw on that punk there was sick.  I thought you never learned, but that looked like legit XiaoLin from where I was standing.  What school did you do?  Wu xia?  Wing chung?"

"Kǎo yā," I said, shifting the plotter paper I was drawing out the circuit on so that I could hold it on the workbench with one hand.  "School is Kǎo Yā Bù Huì Zuò Gōng Fū." I put up my right hand to give Riley the finger, not looking up from the circuit plot.

"'Roast duck', right," Riley said, properly ashamed at least.  "I got it – the official martial arts school of the lab, where the only technique is 'hit'em hard while they're not looking'.  I'm sorry; that was over the line, and I shouldn't've gone there.  My bad."  I nodded and pulled my hand back.  On the other hand, that the lab was short on big challenging projects meant that Riley got more bored more easily and asked more dumb too-personal questions.  If this was how it was going to be, maybe I did want something else to happen sooner rather than later.

"Afternoon!" Carolína said, coming through the door, knocking on the side of the frame mostly out of habit; there weren't enough high-energy power supplies around the lab right now to make the drop bars worth paying attention to.  "How is everybody doing?  Leo, are you okay up there?  It looks like you got that last open square covered, so can I have my tarp back?" She set her bag down on her bench across from Sajitha and pulled out her laptop, not really expecting an immediate reply.

"Actually, that reminds me," Sajitha said, looking up from her work.  "Do you know what happened to the camp chair I had in the front closet? I was thinking of bringing it in here so that I don't have to sit on this bucket stool any more, but I couldn't find it.  Did you already bring it up?  I don't mind, but I just want to know where it is."

"No," Carolína said, shaking her head as her screen booted.  "I don' like my stool either, so I was thinking of ordering one of those, but I was waiting for my next check to clear.  I didn't know you had one in the closet – did you ask the guys?"

"I did," Sajitha said, her forehead wrinkling.  "I asked Remy, and he texted Leo about it because I wasn't sure if it'd get weird like I was accusing him of stealing my chair when he's always hung off his strap to the ceiling in here, but he hadn't heard of it, and Remy totally forgot that I even had that chair.  I wonder what happened – it's not like a camp chair's just going to disappear."

"You're still in your place, right?" Riley asked, strangely deadpan, cutting into the conversation.

"Yes, but I don't know what – oh no."  Sajitha realized the meaning and covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes wide.  "That's right – the demon – now that the grinckles are gone –"

"Our contract is bust, and it's back to eating your furniture," Riley continued, standing up. "Save your work, call your boyfriend, pile up all our functioning electronics.  Leo, get the hell off the ceiling and start cutting up the Ceiba to see what we can cannibalize out of it for parts.  Carolína, if you don't have your machete and your grappling hook, go the hell home and get them before they get eaten.  And Yuping, get over here and bust out all our old paper circuit diagrams, then start downloading the drawing repository into whatever spare PC we've gotten working yet.  I'll do something about power supplies, and see if I can't work up another dozen cannon rounds or actually find someone who knows how to wreck this guy's shit.  You all, you all start building – we've got to get a new dislocator built, up, running, and rated for GeV-range throughputs before the end of the week, or half the lab is going to be in the shit with their realtor again.  Move!"

I unplugged the bud from my right ear and left the headphones down next to my phone with a sigh.  Sajitha was on the phone to Remy and Carolína was on the way out the door and Leo was rappelling down off the ceiling at the Ceiba, welding torch strapped across his chest, and Riley was tearing a desk like in half, spewing parts and pencils all over the floor, and we'd just gotten committed in an instant to something unfathomably strange, but in a way this felt more like the Applied Physics lab than it had felt like in here in a while.  One way or another, no matter what the problem was or how little sense it made, this was Riley; this was our lab.  It was always something.  There was always something.  I rolled up my half-done drawing and grabbed for my pliers and a soldering iron: time to get back to work.

go back and get the ebook if you want the bonus story